Painkiller Already - Painkiller Already #393

Episode Date: July 6, 2018

On this week's PKA, friend of the show and stand-up comedian, Steve Hofstetter is back! And he gives his greatest performance yet, with a killer show this week. The guys begin developing their Genocide Bill for congress, the boys discuss Wing's completing his weightloss surgery in Mexico and then laugh at some soccer hooligans and their goings on at the World Cup.

Painkiller already, episode 393 with our guest Steve Hofstetter. Kyle? Couple sponsors tonight, Stitch Fix and Postmates. We'll get to them later in the show, but yeah, we got Steve back with us. What's going on, man? I grew a beard so people would be distracted from my forehead. It's working. So, yeah. Ah, shit, I said something, though. Have you considered taller glasses like those bug-eyed girls wear?

I also consider just, like like longer hair like to put it all the way down uh that fools everybody kicked you right in the balls with that one didn't it yeah every yeah receding exactly like the germans in normandy just yeah that's the problem like i had a big forehead already and then mother nature was like you ain't seen shit yet have you seen hulk hogan's work because he has been successfully fighting this back for 50 years now i'm not really sure like he rocks that bandana so well that there are groups of people who have no idea i thought i was like has he been doing infomercials about hair loss now? He would be a poor spokesman. Donald Trump has an interesting thing going on there.

Don't let it get you like it did me, brother. Yeah. Yeah, Trump just has like long, wispy hair. It looks like that he like just forms into the shape. It's like really hair growing from back here. But it's like curved into something. Yeah, that whole back comb over. It helps that I'm tall because fewer people see it when I'm on stage.

So that's positive. What point does your hair have to get to where you're like, all right, I'm just going to go the Breaking Bad look and shave it all? It's got to get much further than this. Like, that's a really sad day for people. But it's definitely got to the point where, like, I had to learn the hard way that I apply sunblock in different areas now. Like, I used to just do this, and now I'm all right go up here go up there three squirts now all right exactly maybe a little bit what happened they're getting cheap you should be a sunscreen

wizard with that complexion like it's just everywhere but you gotta learn new things every day you gotta learn you gotta go three squirts eventually i'll go four squirts it'll be you know it'll be like kyle with uh vaseline just event you just gotta keep as you get older you gotta squirt more you know the the lubrication just isn't there as much that's my motto yeah you gotta squirt more that's actually the first line of my tinder bio see i think i would shave it all off if it got to the i'm gonna say season six george costanza because early seasons it's like terrible honestly like season four if i'm really being honest because he gets that island pretty early on you watch like episode one of seinfeld and you're like all right he's kind of keeping it together a little bit he's still got a tuft there and then by you know it was he had a calamitous early 90s as far as hair

retention it's I would I would have shaved my hair by pilot episode George Costanza look yeah a lot of it has to do with your build like if you're the Hulk of Durka down there then you can pull off the the Mr. Clean thing pretty well. But if you're a thinner guy, it like, look at Taylor and I right now and picture is bald. He's doing it way better than me. Yeah,

maybe, but I have a very round head that's helped. It helps offset it with the height of the hair and the lengthening of the beard. If I did go bald and I, Oh my God, I'm going to, if I ever have to get chemo,

I'm gonna look terrible. I am looking at myself right now. I'm one step away from Beaker. From the Muppets. With what I got going on. I've shaved the sides, I just got the, I'm right there. I recently,

so, for the last, like, eight months or so, I've finally been, like like working out, not being a total stick if I had shaved my head before that started, I would look, I would be Jewish but still look like a Nazi do you know what I mean? I'd be a hate crime

you would have been able to blend in yeah just throw on an SS uniform, it would have been like this guy's with us i didn't know there were any redheaded jews well i mean obviously there's some but like are you married in a lot of south park oh yeah there's quite a few redheaded jews is that right and it also depends where the like ashkenazi jews are more likely to be redheaded because they have european descent like those middle eastern jews they do not have red hair yeah red hair came from the vikings raping everybody so then it just

kind of spread through europe and that's where jews were from so you know jews i guess on the raping list of vikings and you know this is you know the vikings did not play favorites with rape they were a very egalitarian rapist society. They were incredibly progressive rapists. Absolutely. If they crashed into a shore and it was a bunch of Asian women, they didn't go gross. They went, you know, Vlad, get in there.

I mean, Asian women. Come on. Yeah, anywhere. Oh, I'm sorry, Steve. Which place would they crash in which they would say, oh, gross? Please, lay it out for us. I think that's actually an answer that Kyle probably has right. Have you been to Morocco? I haven't.

I thought you were going to go Ireland. You surprise me every day. I knew whatever it was Kyle would have an answer for that. Kyle's like here's the grossest people by race. Just pick a little one that's not watching this show. Senegal. Is anybody in Mongolia listening?

Probably not. You guys have quite a reach. I'm sure that there's someone in Mongolia that you haven't offended yet. Let us know, single Mongolian fan. It's either zero or like 5,000 because they travel in hordes. I once spent four hours with Dr. Chiz on a Skype call zooming in on Mongolia in Google Maps wondering what it's like to live there.

You know, like just how populated it was, what kind of society there is, bunch of shipping crates, what's in them. Huh. So much of Mongolia is still like nomadic. Who did that? I did that with Dr. Chiz, who's also like silent on the call. We were just looking at Mongolia.

Google Maps is fun. I thought you were like making fun of like a listener that did that once. And you're like, no, no, it was me. I was quietly kind of thinking, wouldn't it be cool to ride my motorcycle across Mongolia and just checking out the terrain? Yeah, that might be cool. No, I like that idea. Honestly, you know what? That's kind of an adventure.

I kind of like the idea of riding a horse some long distance through a place. Mongolia's got it perfect for that, right? Well, I've been watching Letterman and he rides his horse off out in Utah, I think it is, or somewhere like that. It's beautiful. I want to do it.

I really want to do it. I really want to do it. I rode horses as a kid. Like, not all the time or anything, or competitively or anything like that. But, like, I can ride a horse. You weren't a competitive child equestrian? No, I wasn't. But I knew competitive child equestrians. They did barrel racing and stuff.

It was pretty lame. Do you think you could ride a cow? I've tried to ride a cow before. It depends on the cow. Some cows are like, and some cows are like, and freak the fuck out. Those are the ones that Kyle prefers to ride.

I like a little fight. You should ride one of those Belgian cows, or whatever they're called, where they're just jacked out of their mind. Ah, yeah, yeah. The ones that have the testosterone overdraft thing. Do they have the long hair? No, they're just...

It's like a pit bull version of a cow. Yeah, exactly. Oh my gosh. I found something. Can you link us one of those? They're Belgian blues. Yeah, they like die of heart problems super early because they look like a professional wrestler. Exactly.

That's what they look like. It's insane. Look at his dad. Chiz, I know so much more about cows than I do. Oh, well, my grandfather owned a cattle farm, so I was around cows a lot as a kid. Yeah, and Kyle was friends with a bunch of child equestrians. Taylor, do you

know the kind of cow i was thinking of those really good looking ones i don't know the name of those no yeah look at that thing jesus christ did you just say really good looking ones yeah i'll get you a picture what are the cows i like to fuck i told you about that before right do you remember those imagine trying to tip that cow that cow has traps all right i have to have to look at the in the chat i guess i think you're talking about shaggy haired longhorns uh woody they're from scotland yeah yeah i mean i my own searching took me to scottish cows island cattle oh i'd much rather eat that muscular one i bet it's 100 100% lean. Is this picture photoshopped? No, this is a kind of cow, like the Belgian blues, I guess,

where they bred them to be jacked as fuck. So it's just all muscle, all meat. Oh, fuck. It looks uncomfortably muscular. Yeah. It looks like when you watch strongman competitions, like those documentaries on Netflix, and the guy, he's not jacked, the kind of beach body where women are like, oh my god. He's just like, well, I'm 6'11", and I eat five pounds of chicken a day.

And it's like, oh, what a horrible life. Here's my sleep apnea machine. If you want to win, you've got to train. That was genuinely a part of one of these documentaries. If you want to win, you've got to train train i go to the gym four times a day my wife takes care of my six kids and i eat chicken and and snore loudly i had to watch my ass since the 80s yeah if you if you're going four times a day what are you doing in between just driving home turning back around and going back to the gym eating eating that's all that they do like if

you want to maintain being six foot eight 450 pounds muscle, not of fat, you have to be eating nonstop. I thought you just changed your name to Magnus, and then you can go in one of those competitions immediately. Well, if you're not from Iceland or Eastern Europe, you have to train. But those people apparently just have it. Because you watch those competitions. There's no one from Asia. There's no one from Africa. there's no one from africa there's no one from south america it's a bunch of eastern europeans and some icelandic fuckers like they must have it in them and scandinavians a lot of those guys

and norwegians yep americans i don't know i don't know what happens a couple americans in that area to make them genetically superior as as Chiz puts it. But something definitely exists. They're clearly genetically superior in the weightlifting. Nobody else, you go put an Atlas stone in Somalia, nobody's going to be like, I need to learn how to lift this.

They also don't have many equinoxes there. In terms of training, it's more difficult.'s that's awesome yeah well i don't also the availability in europe either they just go like lift up those shitty russian cars yeah but the avail the availability of protein shakes in in somalia i'd imagine her lower that's a good point that is a good point i mean when you train you gotta you gotta have your protein how many rats you'd have to eat a day to keep up with your gains?

86. I looked this up. Jesus Christ. A ton of rats. Let's hope a bodybuilding.com shipping container isn't seen off the coast of Somalia, or maybe they'll be competing, because they are pirates. They're some garbage people. I was wondering where you were going with that one.

Yeah, I was like, ah. I was like, okay, you got there. Yeah, I see. I was like like are there rats in the shipping container? I felt bad for Senegal I believe it was because the World Cup's going I'm not a big soccer fan But I even said on my Twitter like it was really neat seeing like all these Mexicans just randomly picking up people from South Korea Just yeah, and the Koreans are like, thank you! Did you see him get the ambassador out of

the embassy and start doing shots with them? They're all yelling, chug, chug, chug! I love seeing any kind of world games because I love the cultural differences. Like, one of my favorite things to watch was when Ninja Warrior was still, like, just

a Japanese show and you'd have the occasional american on it it would be so much fun to watch like the american would lose and then like he'd have to get bleeped like crazy like this fucking guy tried so hard and now i'm lost and then like a japanese guy would lose and he would just be like i have shamed my family immediately disembowels himself i like that about those guys like anyone who will after they shame their family they dishonor them well only one thing to do i must disembowel myself i was watching this uh this thing about um what's the fucking uh japanese? The Yakuza. They cut their goddamn fingers

off and present them to their boss when they fuck up. That's a real thing. Chiz, are you listening? Is this what you're recommending? Takes him a while to type. Chiz has three fingers left. Yeah, that's a real thing.

Apparently, when you're in... I was watching some video on YouTube. It was a couple of years ago, but it was a guy who is from America and lived in Japan. He's like, oh, yeah, every once in a while, not often, not often at all, but every once in a while, there'll be an old man in front of you at a supermarket,

and he'll be missing a finger or two, and that's how you know this guy was in the Yakuza. And one time, I was behind a guy who only had five fingers left which means he did something really fucked up like like just like left with like three and then two or whatever or i guess six because of all these but yeah yeah i'd rather not do that he's a slow learner it's like every now and then you're you're standing behind an old man in line and he only has seven fingers and that's how you know he's a slow learner. It's like every now and then you're standing behind an old man in line, and he only has seven fingers, and that's how you know he's a shop teacher.

Yeah. There was a thresher involved. Every finger-losing incident in the country has to do with a thresher. I did do a show once where it was in Patterson, New Jersey. Well, actually, I didn't even get to do the show because I arrived at the gig, and I get there, and the bouncer has three fingers not on not total or sorry not on a hand but total like three one hand thumbs or not one he had no thumbs fuck one finger and like i think it was like two like that like give me your id fuck i dropped it again how do you bounce hey yeah that was uh that was the most terrifying uh almost gig i ever had

we ended up we ended up leaving because so we get in and it so patterson new jersey is not a nice neighborhood and we get in and like the bouncer we're like that's not a good sign and then we get into the place it's completely empty and except for the bartender and we're the we're the only white people around like the two of us the two comics were white and so the the bouncer's black the bartender's black and it's pretty much a black neighborhood and we go in it's like hey you know no big deal done plenty of shows like that but But then I walk in, and the bartender's watching Cops, and they're, like, arresting some white dude, and she just goes, beat that honky's ass.

And I was like, well. And then we're like, hey, where is everybody for the show? And they're like, oh, the show starts at 11. We're like, but it's 9, and we were told 9. And they were like, yeah, but people don't really show up yet so it's gonna start at 11 and i'm like i'm just supposed to sit here for two hours watching cops with this woman this is no and i was like well let me call the booker his phone number's in the car and we just left he's pissed out patterson's crazy honky get his ass kicked with

that you know courteous barking for two fucking hours there's i was like who cut this guy's fingers off and i don't want this to happen to me my wife is from patterson your wife's from patterson grew up there and such yeah and uh i was surprised say it again story accurate oh completely accurate absolutely nothing nothing fabricated or exaggerated in that story whatsoever and uh like so she wasn't allowed to go to the type of neighborhood that i guess your show was in and i was surprised that i could take her four blocks from her house and she would be lost she just was never in her whole life allowed to go there patterson that's why she still has a life patterson is a rough fucking place

yeah people in patterson are like oh one day i hope i get to move to newark yeah people in Patterson are like oh one day I hope I get to move to Newark she got bullied on the bus once just for a couple of months as a kid by this like gigantic girl what did the girl look like she was Hispanic and she

like hit puberty super early and she was like 90 pounds overweight she was supposed to be black she was supposed to be black anyway she's dead now so every so often jack and she died a while ago she didn't make it to like 30 and uh jackie's like yeah take that bitch like no like nothing like yeah i could have seen that coming i'm glad it happened do you have people in your life like that where like if they die because every now and then like someone in the

it's happened where someone in the comedy community dies where like everybody where like if they die because every now and then like someone in the it's happened where someone in the comedy community dies where like everybody's like posting about it and i'm just like okay i don't really like that person really are there any names you can i'm sure not patrice or gerald or guys no no no it's not it's not people you would know it's like some you know it's like you know some shithead booker you know or some like-year open miker who would just do the same jokes over and over again and they'd get mad at you if you wanted to be on a show. It's like people like that, where you're just like, this guy has been a prick forever. And then now they're not a prick anymore.

Do you have people like that in your life? Of course. I'm trying to think of a specific one. You guys go ahead. he has a list yeah i i i think it's not that hard to get on my list yeah if i had freaking thanos's power half of the community would drop off and like a week after that you'd be like still not enough you're watching avengers and you're just like, oh, the problem with this is that it's random. I need to target half the people. Oh, for sure. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you'd have to start

listing the groups that you don't like. You know, if you're Thanos. Isn't that... I've never seen the movie. His thing was, there's too many people. I'm getting rid of... Half of them are gonna evaporate, right? That's about right. Yeah. Also, like, a core tenet in Bill Burr's act.

I think he wants to kill all the people to impress Lady Death so she'll fuck him, right? That's the deal. Yeah. I actually haven't seen it, but I assume he's trying to fuck Lady Death. Yeah, I haven't seen it either. I trust you. Lady Death sounds like a character. Just from the cartoons and the comics. That's why he's doing this shit. He wants to get laid.

He's trying to impress Lady Death, and he thinks if he wipes out half of the life in the universe, she'll fuck him. She'll be like, ooh. All right. Most of the time, I'm trying to think, most of the time I want someone like, God, I just wish that person would die,

is over little things. I was driving home today, and I was at a four-way stop and i was completely stopped the person to my right went it was only two people there and one person behind him they went and i started to go and the fucker behind him some uh george costanza ironically enough looking guy with the bald the you know monk looking thing yeah just just did a new york stop it just drifted all the way through just just just followed right behind this guy and so i yelled and flipped him off and like as you do like to let him know you've been a real cunt here today like it's people who do stuff like that where more than anything i i'm like god i just

man i hope something terrible happens to him yeah a fatty a fatty Jay walked in front of me today, and I had the same feeling. I was like, I'd love to run you over. I wish someone else would do it for me, though, because I don't want the mess. Yeah, you don't want to clean the grill of your car. I stopped doing the yelling flip them off thing like two or three years ago. Now I give them the thumbs down to be like i'm not mad i'm disappointed i actually my favorite thing to do in that situation hilarious is to wave and smile because that fucks with their heads so much like to just when that happens just be like

you know because they they expect you to be angry and they're ready to be angry back and then they don't know how to do I get met? Do I smile back harder? What do I do? The move is you say see you later, see you tonight. Something like that. Instead of the friendly wave

let's say one of you has cut the other off and there's clearly some animosity with the cars doing stuff. My cousin has this brilliant move. I saw him do once. Instead of a friendly wave, he does a gay wave. Like one of these. Like smile and give him the finger wiggle.

Like, hey. Wait, is this what you think a gay wave is? Yeah, this is the gay wave. Yeah, that's what this is. This is how gay people say hi to each other? Steve, how do gay people wave in your world? This is the michael j fox well how do you wave steve show me yeah i see what you did that's that's good uh yeah i just i

think i feel like this is the like i don't have like a strong spell to cast yeah right i'm not gonna waste all my magica just give you a little yeah exactly this is like first year at hogwarts type of thing you know you're trying i mean what do you said you only stopped doing it a few years ago which means i've still got plenty of time to put in yeah before i come to the age of thumbs down fair point i still think fuck you asshole with a middle finger really gets the point across it doesn't so in my opinion fuck you asshole and finger gets them to start defending themselves thumbs down gets them to think about what they did i had a dude i had a dude uh like the turnout from my driveway goes into like i live on a fairly main street there's a lane going in each direction with a middle turn

lane in between and so when i'm taking a left i usually just go right into that turn lane and then wait for the cars to go by in the other lane. And then I merge over. But this dude thought I was going right into that other lane. And so he gets all mad and he starts flipping me off and yelling. And then I just kind of go into that middle lane and he can go behind me. No problem. Or in front of me.

No problem. I pull up behind him. He's driving like a company car from some like lawn service. behind him he's driving like a company car from some like lawn service and so i call the number on it because i was like all right i'm gonna report that there is a shitty driver but then it's a small enough company that he picks up the fucking phone because i call and i go hey do you have a driver do you have a driver out in studio city and uh he was like yeah i'm in studio city now and i was like oh all right well uh you just cut me off man uh and or no i was like, yeah, I'm in Studio City now. And I was like, oh, all right, well, you just cut me off, man. Or no, I was like, you thought I was going to cut you off and I didn't.

And you yelled at me. So we're all in this together. So maybe relax for a little bit. And he just goes, all right. And he ends up. I thought he was going to yell at me once I realized it was him. I was like, oh, this is going to be different. I thought this was going to be way different.

I thought I was narking on this dude. Instead, I was confronting him and uh but he actually handled he handled it really well i think he was just embarrassed by the whole thing yeah it is a bad feeling when you are the asshole yeah because it's like in your heart of hearts you know like when you accidentally like cut somebody off like you just didn't you just gave like the half-ass like nobody there instead of actually checking and they you end up realizing like you're four inches in front of them and they honk and give you the finger like part of you like no you but you're like oh yeah you're right you're right i am the asshole but that's only if

you're capable that's only if you're capable of knowing that like did you see the video that was going around i it got sent to me a thousand times because of the story that i have about someone letting their dog shit in an airport but there was a video recently where someone actually took a video this woman let her dog shit in an airport and they were like hey can you pick that up and she just flips off the camera like she just completely doesn't care and there are tons of people around her and she just doesn't care it happened in uh denver and so she just doesn't care like she has no there's no part of her that's like i did a wrong thing i'm embarrassed she doesn't have that capability

inside her she's she's an empty person she's late you'd have to like stand up quickly and be like ladies stop talking about bombs! Yeah. And then hopefully someone will come over and tell her to leave. Yeah. Dog poops in airport, 20 seconds. God, I love YouTube just as a platform, because all these videos that would never occur to any of us to upload, there's someone out there who's like,

The world's got to see this. I love that. By the way, to go back for a second, I was curious why you called it a New York stop. Because, like, most people in New York aren't known for driving. I think I got confused, and it's supposed to be an L.A. stop, right? Where people roll through it. Yeah, I've heard it as a California stop. Yeah, I mixed it up.

Okay, I was just wondering if that was a thing that I didn't know. I was like, because a New York stop, that kind of makes sense because the train sometimes, like you're waiting for a subway train, and one comes, you get all excited, and it just doesn't fucking stop at that station. Like, that is, okay, you guys have no recognition of this at all. It happens. That happens

in New York City. Oh, I know that happened. Very frustrating. Took the train for ages. Oh, if the tornado siren starts going off in my area, take cover I know that happened. Very frustrating. Took the train for ages. I had a... Oh, if the tornado siren starts going off in my area, take cover immediately. Are you going to take cover? Are you going to keep...

A little dedication to the show, please. Right? I'm going to keep doing the show. When you hear it, I'm going to start screaming. Outside with all the homeless vagabonds? No. No. I'm staying right here doing this.

How bad is it outside? Like the weather? No. I'm staying right here doing this. How bad is it outside? Like the weather? No, the neighborhood. So you have possibly a hammer murderer out there? No, that's in an entirely different area of the city. That's miles from me. Okay. Not like super, super far.

I really thought you were going to say like, you know, that's like 400 yards from here. That guy couldn't get there. I mean, it would take him at least like three, four hours. Yeah, part of it's tongue in cheek. But when people who aren't, because this is the area I am is not bad at all compared to if you go east city, north city or anything like that. But people who aren't from the St louis area will come to my kind of area and be like oh my god look at all these homeless people and these aren't like the homeless

i saw in when i lived in boise for a couple of years where i'm like if something breaks out i'm gonna win this fight it's like here it's like i don't know if you have some crew behind that dumpster you know the way you just asked me for change the way when i offered no but i'll buy you a sandwich at this corner store and he goes fuck no nigga it's like all right i okay sorry sorry at the very least give me a no thanks i just offered to buy you a sandwich boise homeless is like a meth homeless which is a much frailer homeless yeah we have an aggressive homeless around here but they're hardy because of boise winters i i think yeah they are hardy they've evolved they're starting to exhibit their own traits i'm suspect no this was literally a phrase when i met someone from boise and i was living

there uh they were asking about we're talking about where you're from and whatnot i'm like god yeah i love the city there's a lot of fun stuff to do there's just so many homeless people and they're they're scary and they're like yeah we got a homeless problem too and i'm like oh really where i haven't seen anything and they're like it's on the the third under the third street bridge and i'm like your entire homeless problem is under the third street bridge they stay under one bridge like yeah they just hang out under that one bridge and i'm like you don't have a homeless problem that's more terrifying That means they're organized. Though they also give them tickets to send them to Salt Lake. And then Salt Lake

gives them tickets and sends them to LA. That's great. I love that. That's why we have so many homeless people here. They're all shifted from Boise via Salt Lake. Because they're connecting in Salt Lake. They have a stopover

on their way to LA. They ask if you want to join the church when they say, no habla espanol, they send them right to LA. I also love that Boise is like, let's not send them all the way to LA that's expensive, let's just get them one state over. Yeah, we know that Salt Lake will send them all the rest of the way.

They're not going to get in a war with Boise sending these same homeless people back and forth. I would have assumed they would send them back the rest of the way. They're not going to get in a war with Boise sending these same homeless people back and forth. I would have assumed they would send them back like the Butter Battle book. Like Dr. Seuss. Oh. Yeah. Like the Star-Bellied Sneetches.

Is that the Butter Battle book? Is that the same thing? It's been so long. Is that the one where it's on the top or the bottom? Do you butter your bread or is are you thinking of the different butter i may be i may be mixing the two i may be conflating the two now but like the idea i think the idea was that like things kept escalating so i'm not sure if the star billets niches are in the same book or it's basically the same story told in two different

ways but it's yeah it's the idea it keeps escalating my point is i need to get these idaho homeless motherfuckers out of my neighborhood like i know i should just go out there oh my god like an idiot i have a boise state shirt that i wear all the time like an idiot i've been going out there with it i had no idea that there was so much affinity that i went to a couple of games at the uhcos Stadium there with the blue turf. It was really neat. It was more than just a little gimmick. It's obviously gimmicky as fuck because Washington stole it and made a red field, which looks terrible.

But, yeah, it was neat. If Mizzou sucks, which we always suck for the most part, then I'd pick them. Not like they're doing much better. I know you're a huge sports guy. Who's your college team, or are you more all pro? College is tough because, you know, growing up in New York City, we don't have a college team. Like, I was basically at the tail end

of when St. John's was a decent team. And so, like, I started as a St. John's fan, and then by the time I got to college, like, they would routinely win the NIT. We're like, we're the 68th best team in the country. It's garbage. So, like, I had to kind of adopt other teams. So it's just whatever my hand-me-downs were when I was a kid.

And so I had relatives that went to Michigan and USC. So those became my football teams, which is ridiculous. And then basketball, it's UNC. Just because I thought, you know know i thought the tar hills was a funny name when i was a kid so because what am i going to do root for penn state it's like three and a half hours away that's like the closest and also you know the raping little boys thing so like it's hard to it's you know it's hard to justify but mainly it's really far away so how old are you at this point uh how old am I now? No, no, when you were choosing your basketball team.

So choosing my basketball team, I was probably 10 or 11. So there wasn't the, we didn't know about the boy rape yet, but it was there. Yeah, well, you could have got some action. Like the option was there. Yeah, absolutely. Like I could have gone to a game and they could have been like, hey, do you want to see the locker room? And I would have been like, this is going to be the best day ever. And then like the Arrested Development narrator comes on and goes, it was not the best day ever.

Exactly. Memorable day. Yeah. It was the best day for someone else. I've been thinking about my list of people that I want dead. Nothing really specific. This whole time. I think you want to target the homeless first, right?

All of the homeless, right? You're shaking your head no, Woody. I think you want to target the homeless first. Right? All of the homeless. Right? Are you shaking your head no, Woody? I am. Why? I will grant you that some homeless people deserve to die. I'm just not sure homeless status is why they deserve to die. To me, there are a lot of people

who have some sort of power or influence who deserve to die over people who just don't contribute enough to society. The whole system might melt down without some of those people that may deserve to die. I'm talking about, like Clint Eastwood said, deserves got nothing to do with it.

These hobos gotta go. They're spreading disease, drugs, pestilence in the streets. Let's start basing genocide decisions on him. You know what concerns me the most is that at one point, Kyle had enough firepower to make that happen. I mean, maybe. At least in Georgia. Yeah.

You could always just create a biological weapon. That's not too far. Honestly, Kyle, if you're picking groups like that, broad stroke, homeless is a pretty good one to start with. That, and then people who at burrito shops reach over the glass and point at the ingredient instead of just stating it. It's a tentpole topic on this podcast. I hate that so fucking much. Like, it irrationally

I'd rather get cut off in traffic ten times than see the guy in front of me go, yeah, I want a chicken. It's like, then how about you fucking say chicken? Wow. Fingerflakes are now in our food you can't worry does he worry that the uh burrito barista whatever they call them the burrito the burrito stuff yeah yeah uh it's yeah it's barista spelled with a u uh does he worry that like when he goes i'd like chicken they would be like whoa you mean steak

no no chicken and he points to it and then it helps them because otherwise that's what he must be thinking that or he's a retarded person who should die with the homeless you know kyle you're winning me over on this oh man wait can we include my group with the homeless well i'm like putting a little bit of pork into your bill right now. And as long as you include mine, I'll vote for it. Deal. So you're going to vote to kill the homeless as long as they also get rid of people who point at the burritos. Yes.

Yeah, what about people who take stuff at a salad bar with their hands? Oh, my God. Same bucket of those people. Sure. The only thing you can pick up at a salad bar with your hands are those little wrapped crackers other than that use the utensil provided what about in a situation where there isn't like a utensil provided but it's like a big enough item where you where you really only are touching yours grape tomatoes deviled eggs

no not crepe tomatoes those are too too small. Oh my god, you really lack precision in picking up things. A crepe tomato is... Doink! What are you just grabbing fistfuls of crepe tomatoes and not able to just... I could pick up a penny!

Deviled eggs is where that begins. That's... There's a scoop for those tomatoes.'s a one of those grabbers there's gotta be something yes yeah just use the tongs specifically said items where there are nothing to grab it with yeah deviled egg is fine because those are usually set up where there's space between them anyway you're not going to be touching somebody else's food if there's like a bucket of apples basket of apples of course you're fine

but grape tomatoes i've never seen somebody reach in and like a bucket of apples, basket of apples, of course, you're fine. But grape tomatoes, I've never seen somebody reach in and grab a handful of iceberg, but I'm sure there's someone out there who would do it. How do you put on your French dressing? I just get my little,

I dip my hand in the... No, no, no. That's my calories. I don't want a whole scoop. Cup your hands together so that it won't leak is the trick. It's like when you don't have a cup and you have to drink water out of a – same kind of thing but for dressing. The soup is so hot. I have to deal with it all the time because I'm traveling and I deal with the continental breakfast. deal with it all the time because i you know i i'm traveling and i deal with the continental breakfast and so constantly you have oh there's another there's another group of people that i

want to go it's the people who stand in the way of something without realizing that they're in the way of it in the middle of the grocery stores you mean it's grocery stores i had it uh i've had it happen at like the gym in front of weights where like they're done with their thing and then they just stand in front of the weight rack and it's like, well, I can't. I hate to say this. My wife would not survive that apocalypse. And it's not just her standing in like hallways and stuff. Like, look, there's a – it's not a – there's like a narrow passageway that lead between two rooms.

That's not a good place to just stand around. But worse yet, it's not a good spot for a laundry basket How do you not realize this is such like a high traffic area of the home? Yeah, and she's like storing things when we like layout furniture. I'm like no, honey Let's not put coffee tables in the hallway and things like that like you know, how can you not see that this is a bad traffic pattern and One of my role my my biggest issue in life I think like the thing I'm most passionate about, is when you step off an escalator, move to the side fucking immediately.

Because there's someone else being forced to come toward you. It's one thing to stand on a landing of stairs, because you make someone stop and wait. But an escalator, you're being pushed toward them. There's nothing you can do. It's a conveyor belt for humans. It's just going to stack up. yeah yeah move to the fucking side that's a really good one or keep walking that thank you thank you will you be i'll vote for your bill perfect man we're gonna kill a lot of christmas tree bill everyone's hanging their ornaments on it and i lost my wife

yeah jackie's dead well you know what maybe know what? Maybe you can find someone who knows how special relations work in this new world order. Or, I mean, it seems like we could just put some pork in there that lets her be an exception to it, right? Like, there's something in the tax code. Yeah, semantics. We've got standards.

All right. Look, if we let your wife live, we gotta let someone else's wife live and like woody this is about fairness you know that i mean it does sound fair thus far right all these people deserve to die oh uh i'm keeping a list of all the people we're gonna murder uh in this in a hypothetical reality who else do you have i have people who take their shoes off on public transport. Oh, yes. Can I also throw in people who read aloud on public transport? Hey, I'd like to add this.

People who listen to their headphones while the headphones are wrapped around their neck. Words out of my mouth, that's going in the bill. Are we going to put the fatties in? Is there a BMI that wants some... See, I'll tell you what... We have to pass this. We have to pass this, right? Have you seen the Senate?

I swear to God, I had this whole mental thought thing go today. When I saw that fatty in the road, and I saw her ass... It was one of those asses that's like... Her hips come down, like her waist or whatever. But then the ass is like this big mushroom thing out to the sides that just waddles as she moves and just lifts and undulates as she wiggled through the highway jaywalking in front of me i was thinking like maybe there should be a way to tax the fatty the fatties and then i was and then i instantly

realized who's gonna vote for it yeah who's gonna vote for it and then i instantly realized, who's going to vote for it? Who's going to vote for it? And then I drove home. Paul Ryan will vote for it. If half the country smoked cigarettes, if half the country smoked cigarettes, you wouldn't be seeing these taxes. See, that's not necessarily true, though, because if there's a special interest

group that donates quite a bit, that's more important than voters, for example i think so the what you have to do is but the problem is is that like a lot of rich people are rich selling food to the people so all the rich farmers good point steve no no i'm talking about the corporations. Oh, yes. That guy with his John Deere and his overalls. I don't know if you know this, but people don't get fat eating too much produce.

That is true. No, they don't. Nobody's ever been like, God, these bananas are doing me in. I was trying to figure out. When I was in high school i knew a girl who was like a very very overweight vegan and i was trying to figure out like the logistics of that that's a tremendous amount of tomatoes i think well i think pasta probably i was trying to figure it out i was like okay pasta and non-dairy desserts maybe. Like how do you get that big with no dairy, no meat?

Like that's, it's just so much. Like Lay's potato chips. Yeah. Eat shit like that. Oreos. Eat shit like that. Like you can eat whatever you want. Oreos are vegan.

What? Yeah. I had no idea. I live in LA. I should know everything about this sort of thing you should yeah it must have been uh it must have been carbs okay who else is dying do vegans make the list or no because i haven't maybe it's just the area of the country i live and i haven't come across the the really terrible vegan that won't shut up so to me they're not that

bad i have i figured so i i eat at vegan places a lot because there are a lot of really like creative and good healthy places in la and but i'm not vegan like i love i love me a good steak like i you know i'm i'm a i'm a big fan of a lot of non-vegan food but because i eat a lot of vegan and vegetarian or at a vegan vegetarian places when i first got to la and i didn't know a ton of people i saw this thing that there was like a vegan meetup and i was like oh maybe i'll go there and i'll meet some people who have some common interests and i'll i'll learn some stuff and you also like chickpeas the amount of the amount of vitriol i got for not being full vegan from people just i thought people would be like oh you know would like try to convert me

it wasn't trying to convert me it was like fuck off imposter like that rating you absolutely it was uh i think i think uh vegan crossfit um i'm trying to think of like the like the I think vegan, CrossFit. I'm trying to think of like the preachy lifestyle. It would be. I was thinking of CrossFit for a few minutes now, and it's like, I'm just looking at this bill. You're killing fat people and CrossFitters? It's a bipartisan Christmas tree bill. What are you going to do? We're going to be doughy, but not too doughy.

We preach across the aisle, but not with a fat arm or something too muscular. Catholics! Again, my life is not doing well on this bill. You're going to have to shut that one down. We're talking about a genocide bill that we have to get past. I feel like you're killing most of your listeners, too.

I don't know where this became a thing that we voted on. I thought I was Thanos and I was snapping my fingers and destroying you know an enormous i think it's funnier if we have to think about the prospect of us like proposing this and getting votes people who cross the road diagonally is another one i put who don't just get right across the road people who who cross it diagonally slowly taking their sweet time oh is this a crosswalk you don't yeah in an intersection i mean like at a four-way stop someone who will just walk diagonally like caddy corner corner to corner have you never seen that no assholes i'm dead it's rare but they're oh sorry but hold on but i do it like i'll do it like in new york city or something where there's

like you run across and that's what people do and it's not stop signs it's traffic lights which is very different like if there's no one coming one way and people are stopped the other way why the fuck not well if it's a stop light you know nobody's coming and you can make it a stop sign where you're just blocking a four-way stop yeah yeah stop sign is completely different yeah those people got to go but also the people who are too polite when they drive? That is a problem. I got caught today,

I got caught behind someone who I don't think they thought they could make a left turn until the yellow light. You know what I mean? They waited for the yellow light even though no one was coming. If you yield your right of way to me, you're not really helping me. You're confusing me.

Yes. Yes. Unless you have eye contact and we have hand signals going. If they're giving like big hand waves, I'll figure it out. But I totally agree with you, buddy. And by the way, if you're making a very generous decision to let everyone come in front of you, yet I'm behind behind you you and I haven't agreed on this you're just fucking everyone behind you as this altruistic thing but

really you're being nice to them and mean to me you gotta get out of your car and discuss in a committee and vote on it or just learn to zipper merge people who make line decisions for you that's going on the list that's like if I go to the DMV and I finally get my number called.

Number 80? And I'm like, hey, number 101 through 130. You're up. It's like, what? What about number 81? Like, no, you can't do that shit. Do you know how many lives are going to be saved from our killing spree by driverless cars? Not many.

No, but driverless cars. Driverless cars will prevent. I mean, I want to kill all the bad parkers. Like the people who will park clearly over a line. I think you could tell a lot about how good of a person they are, someone is, by how much they are willing to adjust their parking job. Like how much effort they're willing to put in. I always get in there straight because I feel like I look like a dumbass. Because when I see someone parked badly i judge them immediately yeah even if i just see the car i'm like that car is driven by a dumbass when i was at cisco

there was a manager who drove a really big car i think it was an excursion and she parked like a dumbass all the time she took two spots but But it wasn't the kind of intentionally centering themselves over a line. They just took a line and a quarter. Or a line and a third. It was just bad parking. And because she was a manager, I think I and a lot of other people viewed it in a different light.

She's another layer of society in this corporate structure with sort of a, I don't give a fuck. I'll park where I want to. Look at my job title. Yeah, what are you going to do? Did anyone ever do anything? Yes. Somebody wrote, her car was dirty, and they wrote, in the dirt,

learn to park. And she did. That actually corrected her behavior. I'd ride it with a fucking rock. So she never forgets. I had a meeting with her once, and I don't know how it came up But she was laughing about it And someone wrote learn to park on my car

And she didn't seem to know She was taking multiple spots every day Which baffled me And I was like yeah it's good that you fixed that To be fair the excursion is literally The largest SUV ever made by man And a lady might be Kind of down in it a little bit.

They're hard to park. Then drive something appropriate. Or park somewhere else. You can take three spots if you're in the back. There's a real epidemic where people actually can't see white lines. It's tough. It's like a thing.

You have face blindness. This is a real thing. They can't see white lines. As soon as they step out of the car, they also can't look at where their car is and see those white lines. They have no idea. The other thing, also, not even the designated parking spots,

but you ever see one of those where there are two driveways, and in between there's clearly enough room for two cars, and someone parks with two feet between them and the driveway? So now there's only enough room for two cars and someone parks with like two feet between them in the driveway so now there's only room for a mini they're on the list yeah absolutely oh whenever whenever that happens i might go back and forth three times to try to get the exact right to allow like if it's really like squished especially new york city where if you can't find like if i take

away one parking spot i could totally ruin someone's day. Like I could make them have to circle that block four other times. So, like you got to be really fucking careful with that stuff. Where are we at with people who get their steak well done? You know. Where, what kind of, if it's a shitty restaurant though, like I grew up getting my steak well done because I didn't know what good quality meat was because we ate garbage. Like we were pretty poor.

If you're over, let's put an age limit. If you're an adult who still gets their steak well done. At a place that steak costs more than $10. At a steakhouse. Yeah. If you're going to a Waffle House and you order the New York strip, you're on my list already. Now, hang on a minute. Waffle House sells more T-bones than any other establishment in the world.

I'm trying to, you know, cut the fat here, Kyle. I need to make big decisions. Yeah. They're delicious. This is behind the list. Waffle House also has more homeless people than any other establishment in the world. I do see a lot of Worldstar videos there.

Yeah, a lot of Worldstar. So people with well-done... Adults who get well-done steak, they're on the list. People who have ear gauges larger than a nickel, I think they should be on the list. I mean, I think ear gauge people... Let's just leave it there.

You know those holes that they put in there? It's like an earring, but you hollow in the middle. Yeah. You know what? You're right. I was being really progressive there. How about any grown man? We know ear gauges.

Not only do we kill the ear gauge people, but we can hang them from their ear gauge. It would be very efficient. And we leave them in public for all to see. But then what would that turn their ears into? They'd just be long and flappy, and eventually they'd be able to walk around as they just continue to stretch. No, that's their scarlet letter. Yeah.

Then they have to walk around. That's how they know. They have to tie them up above their head like a bonnet, like a retard, and then they walk around. It's that or put a red E on their chest, so I feel like that's better. How about anyone with a pause-load fetish? Pause-load fetish. What? That's not as big a group, but that's okay. I'll put that's better. How about anyone with a pause load fetish? Pause load fetish.

That's not as big a group, but that's okay. I'll put it in there. Kyle, explain this for our buddy Steve. Please. There was a name for them. Or please don't. There was a name for them. Bug chasers. Basically, these are men who want HIV. They are chasing the bug.

They put themselves in the most, um, risky of situations to put it very, uh, mildly. And, uh, and, and they really fantasize about getting it. And, and they, they write, we, we read this whole thing and the guy's like, I'm going to get a really virulent strain and then I'm going to pump it into as many guys as I possibly can. And then there's another story read where they're describing raping a man and giving it to him.

Those people. Those people. The Paz Lode community. I very much agree. I mean, that's pure evil. I feel like that would kind of take care of itself after a bit. You would think so, but they want to give each other what they call the fuck flu. So, we've

done this before, but I'm going to read through this real quick. Just a short post so you can kind of get a feel for it. I love that he's kind of queued up. I thought the fuck flu would have been one of the ones that could be cured. No, they want the fuck flu. That's what they call getting HIV. Please, taylor tell a story all

right so uh i'll read the comment posted uh august 20th 2004 this is one from the medicare video uh so this is not so this guy's already dead then for sure uh we can only hope uh hey guys i like crawling around the filthy floors of sex clubs looking for used condoms to empty into my ass does hiv die when exposed to air or laying on the floor like that can someone get pause or any stds by emptying used condoms into them if the viruses are indeed destroyed it's another reason not to use condoms guys i hate seeing them on the floor getting wasted so i like to put them to good use sometimes i drink the cum too i prefer to shove it in my ass that gets me ready for when i find the next guy to cream my ass, if he's not too grossed out

at the sight of me on my hands and knees and just my jock scrap picking up filthy condoms and emptying the toxic cum into my already sloppy slut hole. By the way, a lot of friends think I'm nuts for walking around these dirty theaters barefoot. Luckily, I haven't stepped on glass or anything, but being barefoot

is the best way to hunt for used condom treasures. Plus, it feels great walking in cum and piss. It'd be great to hear from other guys into the same stuff. Does it turn you on taking a stranger's cum of unknown status, or do you prefer knowing he's Paz? We should segue from that into Steve's new book.

Yeah, so I have a book, guys. There's two, but hold on. I've never done this before. I'm gonna not let you plug my book right now. Not just because of the subject matter, but there's no fucking way. That is, I think that

comment is a homophobic dude who's trying to draw out other people. See, you may think that. This is a whole community like there are hundreds and hundreds and there there are actual forums of this and this is just one comment of the like it's an actual thing like it's a have you ever been in a in like a you ever been like when i was 15 and i would go into like uh you know i would go into like an aol or a copy

surf chat room or something and it was just it was probably 30 guys pretending to be girls like that's what this is there's plenty of that but that's not what this is this is a real thing it's a trend in that community called bug chasing and it's rare like by volume but there are people who want it and i it it we've talked about this before it blows my mind what is the thought process of like if you want to be that self-destructive just get into like hardcore gambling or something right all right so my new book is called ginger kid oh my god my publisher is gonna murder me hey this is exposing us to a reality of like this is like a vice documentary Hey, this is exposing us to a reality of life.

This is like a Vice documentary. Yeah, this is. I learn so much when I come on this show. Like, legit, I enjoy PKA because, I mean, the fans, they turn up at shows all the time, and it's great. You know, the community is really supportive, except for a couple idiots. But I also enjoy it genuinely. I am not nearly as depraved as i feel like i should be because i come on the show and like you you have no idea how smart i felt after the last time i was on when i saw people would be like you don't know do way and i would be like i

know what that means now i know what that means you guys you guys throw you a nice pause load curveball hell yeah you look next time i am at a swanky cocktail party and someone brings up poslo chasing i would be like well as it turns out barefoot is the best way how else are you gonna find used condom treasures i mean he spelled it right out for you. It's dark in those rooms. You've got to feel around with all fours. And then I go, good day, sir. And I bow with my top hat. Jesus Christ.

Type of party. I'm having fun picking lists of people. Me too. I like this. I'm very cathartic. It's almost like if you imagine that you magically killed them, it's almost like you actually did. And there's a bit of a release of endorphins there, I feel like.

It makes me feel better. I can imagine a world in which they don't exist anymore. Yeah, it's like a fantasy world, almost. Taylor, what race would you eliminate? I mean, the Irish. That's a national race yeah yeah white people my god no bigot oh my god just now now you're killing woody's wife again yeah she's i mean i actually don't even know what your wife looks like i just assumed she's got irish in her

well you need to have a critical mass you need to be three-fifths irish yeah i don't know what who's in your head the native americans the native americans already done like they all got smallpox like hundreds of years ago see i wonder if they're still baffled by the fence to like present day right they went tens of thousands of years following buffalo around without inventing a fence i wonder if you grab like a modern native american indian they'd be like how the fuck did you do that trading long island for that necklace was a bad move kyle's sitting there like like it's the end of mortal kombat so kyle why native american why is that jumping out at you because they've been pushed we pushed Like it's the end of Mortal Kombat. Finish them. So Kyle, why Native American?

Why is that jumping out at you? Because we pushed them basically to the brink of extinction, right? And then we put them on those reservations and gave them all these extra rights and privileges and such. And all they do is whine, right? They just complain and bitch and moan all the time. Every time I see a movie that it especially new movies it's all about how sad it was what what's been done to them they were savages they were absolute savages who'd been fighting each other in brutal warfare warfare

for hundreds of years just horrible unlike the europeans that is true yeah no yes unlike the europeans would it was a it was a different situation right the europeans and the british horrible, torturous things. That is true. The Europeans, it was a different situation, right? The Europeans and the French were like, hey, buddy! I actually, no, you know what? I mean, Kyle is making a point here because

I think all that European war stuff is, that's fake history. Like, it was actually, there hasn't been a single europe war ever now napoleon isn't even a real guy they'll have you believe that europeans were in each other's throats for hundreds of years not true yeah when they called it when they called it world war one and world war two like that was like the same way of saying like world series it was actually just america that was evolved have you guys ever a little bit of canada being a world war one veteran or a great war veteran you know you've got to be a little pissed off once world war ii ends and you're like oh great now nobody's gonna remember us when they invent movies in a few years now they're

gonna be doing this like that's got to be very frustrating oh there were a couple civil war movies then yeah there were movies back then yeah you're right they're shitty ones like that one where like there's a moon face and they should rocket at it and yeah yeah like from world war one times i know i do i know exactly what you're talking about it was also called uh the war to end all wars and then not quite fake it was called that hey can i float a horrible theory that uh most people think i'm an asshole for having because i feel like you guys might agree yeah go for it yeah i mean i know you guys well enough i'm already on board this might happen okay uh i think that people who wear the veteran hat with like the

war they fought in i think those guys are being dicks explain me oh my god yeah i want to delve in i'll explain i'll explain because i feel like that shows like look it's fine to be proud and i have a lot of friends that are veterans and they they're very proud of, you know, of the service they gave, and they have every right to be. And, like, in a formal occasion, you know, you wear your dress blues or, you know, depending on the branch that you serve, and that's all great. But the idea of wearing a baseball cap, being like, you know, 40 years ago, I did a thing. Would you like to ask me about it? Like, there are a lot of heroes in this world that don't do that shit. You think a pediatrician who saves babies?

They save babies. You think they'd wear a hat that'd be like, I save babies? Yeah, but nobody's shooting at them while they're saving the babies. He's got a picture of a dead baby on his hat with a big, uh, like sign. But, dude, there are veterans that did not get shot at. There are veterans who never served overseas that wear that bullshit. Well, they shouldn't wear the hat. See, Steve, I'm on your team right here.

Thank you. As far, I'm mostly on your team with the hat because you know how they have special hats that say, you know, World War II combat veteran. Like, combat veteran. Like, I was in the thick of it, you know? Or I was at least there, you know? Most of them don't say that.

I don't know if there's a hat differentiator. Well, I don't think it says that. But if they did, I wouldn't, you know, I'd be pretty in awe of that guy wearing that hat around. That's pretty ballsy. Chiz just said, wait, Chiz just said Jonas Edwards didn't wear a hat.

No, he didn't. And he invented penicillin, didn't he? Yeah, he did something special, right? He's an old-sounding name, and I know some inventions associated with it. Yeah. And so, yeah, you have to pretend. Polio vaccine. Yeah.

So, but no, like, I really do. And I tried extra mile to make to ask people strangers to appreciate what you've done takes away from what you've done i agree with that here's what to me it's a couple things it depends on the war uh if they were in vietnam or world war ii wear the hat i feel like um if they're one of those silly wars and not so much like which wars are silly korea's a no for you so far yeah yeah i i feel like that was just a big waste of time iraq number one thanks oh i think iraq number one was important right we had to get them out of kuwait we that that was you know but also iraq number two score is the one where you can't wear the hat the score the casualty score of that was like watching a dream team basketball

game from the Olympics. That's why I picked Iraq number one, because it is the most lopsided one in my head. You're allowed to win in war. Okay, well, how about the Serbian missile launching? I think our kill-death ratio was infinity.

Oh, you mean when we were bombing Slobodan Milosevic? Yeah. Or just everybody in Florida. I think they shot down a B-2 bomber, which was like $2 billion. But the dude got escaped, I think, right? Yeah, the pilot made it out. I think it has to do with age.

The taxpayer paid. Age, I think, is the big thing. Because if you're like 25 and you just got back from your tour and you're wearing the hat already it's like settle down buddy like that's an old person thing if you're an old man and you fought in one of the old wars and you're wearing it i go the opposite okay you at least you're just kind of hearkening back to to something else i go the opposite because like okay let's say like new york city marathon the day after the new york city marathon everybody who ran is wearing their little medal and their certificate etc okay if by the end of

the weekend you're still wearing that what a fucking prick what you must think of me in my high school varsity jacket this is yeah exactly this is what i'm saying like you accomplish that and you're very proud and you want to show people that's awesome and you want to get the kudos and that's great and you got them. But once you did, the idea of being like – of wearing that shit 50 years later, I just feel like it's tacky. Yeah. I just imagine you're winning me over with this because I'm imagining like a great author or someone wearing a hat that says, I a great book 40 years ago or you know i was a good date on amazon right now but uh no but that's it the the idea is like look everybody has an accomplishment in their life that they're proud of for some people it's bigger than others

for some people it is fighting in a war and and saving platoon, and that's wonderful. But, like, I've never seen someone who won a Purple Heart fucking wearing it walking around a mall. No, you would look like such a douche. Right. But you see someone who didn't win one, who didn't save shit, wearing that little fucking mesh hat. Yeah. I'm not wrong. I'm a dick, but I'm not wrong. i don't like braggadocious hats oh another person for the list perfect i can't believe i hadn't thought about this people with bumper stickers

oh yeah i'm not with you on the bumper sticker thing i feel like it's going on because you have bumper stickers i have no bumper stickers but i sometimes think about i don't know just like my little hobby a little a little square thing not a not a traditional size i noticed on your varsity jacket you have the paramotor patch did you sew that on recently you know i did yeah yeah well there's room on the leather sleeves if you go below the elbow and this is a bipartisan part of my my bill because you get you know that Calvin character that's always peeing on something? It doesn't matter if it's peeing

on Hillary or Trump or something apolitical. You all gotta go. When I see that 26.2 on there... Oh, if you can drive this, if you can read this, you're driving too close. I drive like a bitch or just anything. Anything at all. And my kid is on the honor roll. My kid is on the honor roll guard my kid is on the honor

roll and he's gone too the three generations policy that's what i'm introducing just like north korea yeah and like oliver wendell holmes in my country it's just gonna be me oh that's a good one i i and that okay but let's go back for a second yes because what are you what are you most proud of in your life what's the accomplishment that you are most proud of what if it was a hat collection you have pictures of all the little hats on the hats you know it's dumb and i don't know if anyone will relate but if there's a single thing I'm most proud of, it's probably my lifeguard days. Not your children? You know, I was thinking of that, but it's not a single...

I don't know, it just feels like a spectrum. Christ. Yeah, raised a bunch of kids. But no, no, so I used to be a lifeguard in the ocean, and I saved a bunch of lives. Okay. Well, you only had to save them because you let them go out to... You were like, yeah, like yeah keep on going when were

you a lifeguard what years i of my age i'll say like 17 to 21 okay so and where was this uh ocean city new jersey on the beach so i just picture right now a fucking mesh hat black with yellow writing because they all are that just says like lifeguard what is it 95 I don't know yeah it'd be like 90 to 93 or something yeah 90 to 93 I was being generous so 90 to 93 you know lifeguard

and then be like you know 35 saves or whatever it is all gave some some gave all it just seems like such a prick maneuver like i've been on uh like every now and then on like one of my videos or like on reddit or something someone will comment questioning my credentials and like i don't even respond to that with what i've done because i know how prickish that would be like someone literally being like you know you've never done shit in

your career and i have every right to be like here is what i have done and i still don't do that because it would make me such a fucking prick so imagine if i wore that on my head all the time now i could because i have a billboard on my fucking forehead i don't even need a hat i would just need a sharpie and creativity yeah i could just i could write the whole thing i could write every member of my platoon you could i like the way you're back and afghanistan and korea and veteran i could have an entire like people could lay like roses like above my eyebrows for the fallen comrades uh yeah i don't know why it's a career in there started as a comms tech officer promoted to gunny did it yeah this is kind of going the opposite way but i also want to kill all of the stolen valor people because

the only thing worse perhaps than flaunting your military service is pretending that you did military service and and and fake flaunting it oh yeah that's kyle i'm 100 with you and that's not a sentence i have always said to kyle i have like an anxiety about that about like me stealing valor and because a lot of people will ask like people ask me if i'm ex-military and it's like no i just wear helmets a lot so my hair is short like i don't pretend to be that at all but i get it frequently i just go to a black barber i can't help it i just love the idea he's like i'm just afraid that someone might mistake this uniform i'm wearing for pretending to be in the military someone might mistake this uh this black mesh hat I have that says Iraq veteran.

So you're afraid you're going to slip up one day. Are you in the military? And you go, yes. Oh, shit. Now I'm in too deep. Where'd you serve? Ah, well, it's reasonable for my age. Yeah, I literally couldn't come close. You know, they ask the question, like, hey, what company were you in?

Or battalion? I don't know. And they're like, yeah, I was in the 101st gf division like none of that makes any sense to me i have no idea what company were you in and he's like cisco yeah it department i served i served my boss couldn't park for shit you got stories to tell you don't know fear until you're in the IT department surrounded by engines. And there's like the right kind of video.

I still got the stink of curry and BO. Every time I wake up, I see, did you save? And they're like, no. Yeah, those people, first of all, I love the videos. I don't know if you've seen them, Steve, but these people who are literally in the act of stealing valor, as it were, they're on a corner. Sometimes they're begging for money,

which I almost forgive a little bit because they're like, do whatever you can to beg your money. You can understand why they're doing it. You've got to differentiate, think about it, between the person who is like, I'm'm gonna put on this military jacket and this hat and maybe i'll make enough money to like have a full meal tonight homeless people homeless are gone these are no homeless well they're towards the top of the bill kyle hey hold on hold on tell they have homes they just can't afford dinner it's a different class of people.

Ah, good point. This is in between, yeah. They have a roof over their head, just no food. Some of these guys are just standing there. They're not begging money. They're begging praise and adulation. They're just like, yeah, look at me. I'm here.

Yeah, kiss my ass. Or they're going to Starbucks and places like that and getting the military discount. They're like, yeah, I don't have my card. I think fraud in general. Like fraud in general because then you get the people, the fake charity people. I kind of like that. That's kind of a spinoff of it. You like that?

Yeah, I kind of like that. You like killing them or you like those people? I like those people. Those people are smart. They're taking advantage of these people out here. Oh, I want to give my money away to the people who need it the most. Fuck you. I need it. Give me some of that money.

What's wrong? No, I like the fake charity people. Those are smart people. So the people who are raising for cancer? Well, yeah. Fake cancer, though. Yeah, fake cancer, though. Yeah, fake cancer.

That's a bad one. No, Kyle says that's a good one. No, I'm disagreeing. I'm voting against this part of the bill. Taylor, how are we going to get this thing passed? You need to work your... Who's the majority whip in this scenario? We just keep including more groups

until it's just like kind of one much, much smaller group left that'll be on board because they don't want another group added to the list. The master. Because of the implication. Because of the implication.

Cubs fan, are we? Well, looks like we're going to put somebody else on the list. Yeah. I don't know how we do it. That's another one. People I don't know. I don't know how we do it. Oh, that's another one. That's another one. People who don't know shit about sports talking down to you as if they know more about sports than you. How about people who don't know shit about sports talking down to you because you do know shit about sports?

That was one I was going for more when you articulated that well. I encapsulated it in the comment of people who say sports ball. Wow. People who say sports ball, because it's like, ha-ha, I always sucked at sports, but if I make fun of it as a whole, I won't seem less masculine. Sports ball.

Ha, I'm going to go play fucking League of Legends or something. I'm going to go watch a guy play that for a while. You enjoy watching your guys who work out every day, beat the shit out of each other. You know, queer. I actually like sports ball. It's funny to me. I liked it the first couple times I heard it.

I was like, yeah, the first couple times I heard it, I was like, oh, that's great. And then it became the same thing. Like, oh, how about this one? People who call other people snowflake regardless of their politics yes both sides right now are just like oh you snowflake you snow and i'm like that word's lost meaning now the first time someone said it oh that's clever because everyone's got to be all of them are completely distinct and you feel like you're

special that's clever and then when it was said a hundred thousand times that's actually way that's generous when it was said a hundred million times it's just the way all those words go though it's like for the first little bit you're like oh snowflake yeah that's kind of funny anyone who talks in the movie theater like same with cuck cuck used to be really really funny like right away because you're like oh that's that's funny and then drilled into the ground one of the first points i made on this show was about the word cuck. Anyone who talks in a movie theater above like a certain decibel level, there should be an automated turret that just...

Kyle is actually... Kyle is just naming black stereotypes to try to kill black people. I didn't even think of that from that angle. Like, that's why. I was worried I was going to die. Like, Kyle, sometimes movies are hard to follow. Do you want people talking in the movie? Kyle is doing a public service here.

He's making your movie more enjoyable. That's right. That's right. Nothing worse. I want to go back to the sports thing for a second, though, because the idea of, like, people, like, yelling out at a sporting event how ignorant they are in a way. Like, I was at a Braves game years ago, and this woman kept yelling, why don't they put Remlinger in?

And I was like, Remlinger got traded two years ago. Yeah. Like, what are you? Like, it's okay that you don't know that, but don't act like they're dicks for not using a player that's not on the team. Because he's in San Diego, you dumb cunt. I saw that firsthand in, my dad lives in Tampa, and so I was there recently before the NHL season ended, and so I went to a Lightning game because I like that team.

They're good. And, you know, their fans are really nice, but it was also like the Blues suck compared to them, but when there's an icing in the Enterprise center, whatever they just renamed it to in St. Louis, everybody's not like, ah, it's like, ah, it's understood. Like in Tampa, like boilerplate tripping calls were being made and everybody's like, oh, I see how it is. Oh, against the lightning. God, we get screwed. So it's like, that's tripping. against the Lightning.

God, we get screwed. It's like that's tripping. They booed loudly off sides twice. North Carolina has that in hockey too. I'm sorry, Steve. They always think it's a good shooting opportunity. Like as soon as the guy crosses center ice, there's five players in front of the net.

There's no shot there. Net's not that big in hockey. Shoot it, shoot it, go, go shoot it. They're so disappointed. Anyway. Anyone, it's similar's similar the thing i was gonna say is in baseball when uh people go nuts like it's a home run and you're like that's a pop-up to the pitcher like it's hit high yes but high isn't the only thing that qualifies a ball to be a home run it also has to go far i was at a i was at a game once uh i was at a game once where uh and and i and i say this as a mets fan and i love my horrible mets as bad as they are i think that yankee fans are more likely to be dicks and mets fans are more likely

to be stupid because i was at a I was at a Mets game. I mean, you know about the bleachers in any stadium, but I was at a Mets game where Reggie Jackson was in the broadcast booth for some reason, and he kind of leaned out and waved to people. And so people started chanting, Reggie, Reggie. By the time it got three sections over, everybody's just chanting, Eddie, Eddie.

What are you even? Why? Who the hell is Eddie? Yeah, why are you, like, yeah, you know, Eddie Murray played for the team in, like, 91. Yeah, that's who we're talking about. I think it's Eddie Murphy. Yeah. Shrek, Shrek, Shrek.

And that also is, and it's not just sports, but people who pretend to have knowledge that they don't like my my first year as a comic i was uh i was playing this gig in austin and the bar promoted horribly and like no one was there and i was like fuck it i'm i'm going street team on this and i took like some flyers for the show and i went right outside the bar and i was like hey you know uh you want to see comedy you want to see comedy and some guy goes oh who's playing and i go oh steve hofsetter and he's like oh i don't like him i was like you you don't really you probably don't know his stuff and i'm like yeah you know he's like he's on espn oh i hate him on sports center he's never been on sports center and like just this guy insisting like because he and he's puffing up in front of

his girl yeah yeah and just insisting all the shit and he's puffing up in front of his girl. Yeah, yeah. And just insisting all this shit. And I'm just like, I'm the guy you're talking about. I'm Steve Pufsteader. Yeah. You should have, like, really taken it down the rabbit hole, right? Like, do you know what he looks like? Yeah.

Do you like his look? Do you think he's a good-looking guy? Hey, sorry. Just take him all the way down and make him look like a real tool. Oh, absolutely. You don't mind that he's black, right? No, no! Is it because he's black?

Is that the problem? No, I don't mind. I'm fine with black comedians. I love Eddie Murphy. We were chanting his name last week at the stadium. Eddie Murphy leaned out of the box at the praise game. He had a mustache. Let me do an ad read here.

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I got a bunch of button ups and a couple graphic tees. I really like their service. Very cool. Very cool. So I'm trying to think. Oh, maybe this will segue into Steve's book again. One of the topics that Taylor has.

Is it about AIDS? We have a Patreon level where you can ask the hosts questions and things like that. Yeah. What is everybody's favorite pornographic category? Oh, God. I got to get some more water before we get into this. Maybe, like, are we talking about images or actual, like, fucking, like, pornography? Yeah, that makes more sense.

Just do, like, an overall kind of thing. Hmm. Hmm. You can answer in both ways if you want. I didn't even think about segmenting it. I think it's just porn as a whole. I know mine. Yeah, you start then.

Mine isn't a category you can search for. It's on the dark web. Where is this going? It it's on the dark where's this going it's not the dark web my favorite kind of porn uh well written because when there's like legit if there is like something that would like take you out of a story where one character comes in and then they call them by a different name than they just said. Or they use just terrible grammar. He held the small of her back, guided her chin in to kiss, and then held her hand. How many hands does this fuck have? Yeah, not that.

I don't want anybody to be over my porn, Woody. And so he enters there slowly to reproduce. I love the idea that's david attenborough no but legit like if there's something where the story fucks up where it's like wait how you just said you're her co-worker but before you were the pizza guy like how did that just how low budget is this bullshit that you couldn't do two takes yeah your t-shirt color changed yeah oh so this isn't literatica this is poorly written video porn yeah yeah oh no dude i'm not talking about literatica what am i a 70 year old woman like i don't know i thought maybe you're like yeah i'm not reading i'm not reading 50 shades of whatever they're up to now

uh i yeah i just mean actual porn like an actual porn video i get completely taken out of the story and then i can't i'm just i'm not into it anymore i got it okay you go ahead i like when the lady is being misled or manipulated somehow like i really like the ones where it's a fake casting call. I really like those. Now, first of all, let me be clear. Those are fake. It's a fake, fake casting call. That's how those videos work, of course. Yeah, of course.

And I don't like that. Oh, you want it to be a real woman tricked into sex under the guise of How about the guy that barely speaks English but offers cash for sex, right? Usually they're beautiful Czechoslovakian women. Because that's so clearly fake. Oh, but I don't know anything about Czechoslovakian women or whatever. Slovakian women.

I know something about like Sven who's got 20,000 Krugers. Were you a huge fan then of like, because there was Bang Bus, and then when it went to Bang Boat, did you ever see that? I wasn't aware of the plot twist. I'm sure you did. All right, so Bang Bus,

I always thought that Bang Bus was so ridiculous because it's like, it's kind of a hot storyline at first because with Bang Bus, they like pick up a girl by the side of the road and they're like, hey, we'll give you money if you have sex with us in this bus.

And she's like, sure. And I'm like, okay, I can get behind that idea. That's fun, if that were as a fiction. But then they drop her off somewhere random and awful, and then they high-five, and I'm like, that didn't make it hotter. Like, for me. I'm with you on that. No, no, no, you're missing the point, though.

What do they have to be mean You've already finished But you're still watching What better way to end it Than with a laugh Who's I'm not laughing at her I feel bad

Why couldn't it have been She's gonna win for everybody Right Like She comes in She's like You know what I do like to fuck for money

I never really thought about it before But now the opportunity Presents itself It turns out This is easy And then she fucks for money And I never really thought about it before, but now the opportunity presents itself. It turns out this is easy. And then she fucks for money, and at the end, they're like, hey, where were you headed anyway? The kind of man who is watching the

last 30 seconds of a Bang Bus video does not like women. He just wants to fuck them. I just knew about the premise of it, and then being boat was the same thing, except the idea is that they would just leave her stranded in a lake. Yes!

Like they would throw her off the boat. How does that even work? Oh, they toss her off the boat into the water? They toss her off the boat. Is she just treading water as they drive away? Kyle, you're into porn where it's an elaborate hoax of deception and then eventually murder. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You give her a life jacket. Yeah. It's not like hoax of deception and then eventually murder. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You give her a life jacket. Yeah. It's not like there's piranha. You can't leave. Coast Guard shows up, Taylor. Don't be ridiculous. Who did this to you? The guy who's been tricking women at the local pub for years and years.

Oh, there he is. It's just Finn. They're just like, Jerry. Oh, that lovable scamp. And then they high five, too. You didn't fall for the implication, did you? I also like, because I had already figured out that the fake casting call porn was fake fake casting call porn. And I was immediately turned off by it.

I never was turned on. Crank that code, huh? Yeah, yeah. Well, at first it seems real yeah This is her sixth porno This woman makes a lot of poor decisions It's not that It's different girls every time And it's the same guy

But they're all listed by their actress's name No like I'm watching them on Like X Hamster It's not like I'm ordering this online And x hamster x hamster or something it's not like i'm ordering this online and there's cast and crew listed or something like that i was like all right well actress's name on pornhub on pornhub it does yeah but on motherless we don't know yeah yeah absolutely tina tit fuck she must have been bullied horribly in school growing up but he begins the video like he's like all right this uh this girl's coming up right now um she thinks that she's here for this and that let's see how this goes like he's

sort of like he doesn't know how this is going to turn out and you imagine that maybe he's done like four of these today and the first three just wouldn't fuck him and like that's kind of implied and these porn stars are not sure things well they don't see it actually the idea is of course that they're not porn stars, that they're auditioning to be a porn star of some kind. But because I knew that that's fake, fake casting porn, this other genre never

appealed to me. However, if I hadn't been sort of Santa Claus-ed by the first one... Can I guess what it is? Go ahead. Doctor's Office. Close. I kind of like it when they have spy cams at the Go ahead. Doctor's office. Close. I kind of like it when they have spy cams at the doctor. Yeah, sure.

Massage parlor. No. Oh. The massage parlor one, those I kind of like. Because they do those well with the whole, like, they're not just like, so you're going to massage, want to fuck? Like, they do the whole, like, accidentally run my hand over here. You know? So they do those.

They ease their way into the cunt. It's the ones where they catch a, where the security guard catches a female shoplifter and then he takes him in the back and fucks him so he doesn't call the

cops. And I saw one where he's fucking the daughter and making the mom watch and the mom's like, this is what happens when you steal. And I was like, yes! Is the daughter crying or were you not hard? Um,

there aren't actual tears, but she's clearly upset by what's happening. I got what you did there. There usually aren't tears, Woody, I appreciate that. They usually aren't tears, but they're usually upset by what's happening. Like in your history of, you're

clearly a scholar in this subsection of porn. What's the one that got you into it where you were like, oh, I like this. What is there? Lemon stealing bitches. I don't think there's one instance one specific like i usually look for amateur porn like that's kind i guess that is the genre of porn that i'm

more into now is is i'm looking for like something that looks like it's it's real and it looks like it's like spontaneous or or something odd you know like like if um like like just some crazy slutty chick who's decided like oh public like if they're fucking in the car and being sneaky about it like hold the moan is a subreddit that i like a lot it's our hold the moan and it's basically girls masturbating and or getting fucked in public slash semi-public um areas and so they have to you know be quiet about it it can be super fake though amateur. That was my answer the whole time. Amateur is the way to go because you don't want that high production value because it takes you out of it. You're like, this isn't real.

These are people who showed up for work. They were at home doing something, and they go, oh, shit, I got to go. This four-camera shoot isn't real. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If the camera moves, it's not good. It pulls you out of it. Amateur is the way to go. So I'm the opposite of Kyle in that

I've watched a porn with a perfectly good storyline and then suddenly there was this one where there's this delivery guy and the woman's wearing hardly anything. She's wearing this very loose shirt and she bends over and you can see a lot and you're like,

oh, I like where this is going and then he just like starts raping her and i'm like well this wasn't no no not for me now not for me that's not my fantasy here all right all right i yeah oh the home invader porn oh my god i'm giving away too much when i say this because people will judge me but i actually you're afraid to be judged after what we just heard? We've been making a list of genocide targets. That's not what I was even referring to. It starts with amateur porn.

And then as you narrow it down, I almost like amateur seduction porn. It's hotter to me if they didn't start with this in mind. And I'm not talking about rape, but seduction, where somewhere along the way she gets, I don't know, the idea that we should go from blowjob to fucking, or something like that.

It's hot. If you search on the term reluctant, you might get something that's cool, even though that sounds like... I'm having trouble understanding going from blowjob to sex is just the natural how you if you know each other you do

where a woman is let's say it's at a party and she's down to blow him and then you know he manages to escalate that to her being down to fuck him he gets a few more drinks in her so it's basically the story that was in that Aziz Ansari article.

Maybe. I don't know the story perfectly. Except at that crux in the road, you know, that fork in the road, it goes not the Aziz way. It goes the, ooh, let's fuck way. I've already went low. Yeah, it goes the, you know what? Blowing you turns me on. Let's keep this party rolling.

I am... That's where i've lost i saw one the other day it's good stuff i you know maybe i should find you the best of the best and win you on my team i also like like odd things like i saw one the other day where there was a massive size disparity between two lesbian chicks i think one of them was piper perry but there was this gargantuan gargantuan amazonian bitch, super hot still, and then just like a tiny little blonde chick, and they were fucking, and I liked that a lot. There's a – and if you're not into lesbian porn, I know some people are like, ooh, there's not a dick involved. Where am I in this scenario?

Those people are gay. Yeah. Where am I in this scenario? I'm so gay. Not in that porn, no matter what. You're so gay, Taylor. You need a dick in all your porn. You're holding the camera, you faggot.

Like, come on. Like, that porn, no matter what. You're so gay, Taylor. You need a dick in all your porn. You're holding the camera, you faggot. Like, come on. Like, just watch. Just enjoy yourself. Okay, well, if for the fantasy I'm a porn miscreant who sells these things, then sure. No, you're just... I don't know. Maybe one of them's your girlfriend and the other is, like, her friend. And you, like, brought them back.

And you're going to watch them do some crazy stuff. Dude, if that happened, I would be livid if I was not involved in what was going on. Well, you're not involved with the first stage. Stage one is maybe they're they do some stuff and then you get involved yeah that's not my trying to sell stage one and then we'll get to business gonna make a little bit of money yeah okay raise profit that's good i like that little meme is uh jewish that's the Jewish pornography. So all porn. Yeah. Yeah. It all comes full circle. I also, I mean, just generally just because of my

general stance on the world, I mean, obviously you guys know I'm progressive. It's why, you know, a third of your sub hates me. Like, whenever something happens that is very anti that in a porn,'m just like why you gotta bring that in like oh i love that though it's like no and they're like what in i don't understand so okay so i already talked about rape but like race for instance like the idea of of making it

about race and i'm just like this was just about two people fucking what does it matter what race they are now now i gotta like now i gotta think about you know like years of of uh systematic discrimination of like all this other shit there's a scene from silicon valley we're gonna make that ethno state who's steve you'll know his name who's the he's a comedian he's no longer in silicon valley he had kind of long curly hair. Yeah, thank you. So they were asking, they were accusing T.J. Miller of being racist.

And he's like, I'm not. And they're like, do you watch any racial porn? He's like, yeah, I do. And then they said, is it the guy, is the girl black or is the guy black? And he's like, I don't know which one's less racist. So let's answer that question. Which one is less racist?

If the guy is black, does that make it less is less racist if the guy is black does that make it less racist or if the girl is black i think if the girl is black it makes it less racist it's racist who gives a fuck watch what you want to watch unless you're watching this video that i just linked if you want to go over if you go on over to you go over to xvideos.com this is called ebony gets fucked in all holes by a Group of White Dudes. 24. Yeah, that is definitely... They're wearing Confederate flag t-shirts, which is... Okay, this is hilarious.

I'm watching this. Yeah, it's great. It's great. They're all wearing Rebel flag t-shirts. Oh, I thought that was a joke. No, he linked it. Yeah, I'm not clicking this is really guys thinking about it knowing that these guys all showed up for work and they're like put this on you're gonna be

fucking a black girl they're like wait what what i thought it was coming from a porn thing like i'm you know i'm mexican doesn't matter doesn't matter put the shirt on my three it's very it's very possible that like three of those guys are just like, oh, I got one in my truck. Let's go get that shirt. They do have that look about them. Yeah. I think anytime they make it about race, I'm just like, why you gotta bring that in?

That's not... It would also be weird if they... I think if they made it about any religion also would be weird. I always... It was like a little Catholic schoolgirl thing? I scanned through Kyle's video.

Catholic schoolgirl is about the uniform, not the religion. And there's a guy fucking her doggy style. And I always am a little disappointed in myself if I can't instantly tell which hole is involved. It's like, Woody, as a non-virgin, you should be able to figure this out. Is that butter pussy? But sometimes, it takes a close inspection. By the way, that is my favorite game show.

Now time to play! Come on! Yeah, I was watching. I was like, is he? But the way you play. We're going to the bonus round. The person's blindfolded and they have to smell the penis and then determine. Seems like an easy win. Like, that's

one of the lifelines. Like, instead of ask the audience, there's ask the audience, smell the penis. Now it's time for the $6,000 question. And then there's... And you have to use up your penis smell. There's phone a friend. Yeah, phone your mom to make this more awkward. Phone a friend. You can phone your friend

and smell your own dick, but you have to be 100% not 100 sure i'm wearing like a condom that's super tight and like makes you so you can feel bone a friend oh this is i'm putting this in the same uh google doc i'm keeping our genocide ideas in i think there was yeah there was an i i had seen this porno before that's how I was able to find it so quickly I think there's another one so while you're looking for that there is this huge trend now

I feel like every new porn is incest porn it's step sister, step mother or even worse I'm going to need to see some birth certificates or marriage certificates because i'm not buying all this i think that they could do just as well if they just made it roommate porn that's what's hot about it what's hot about it is that it's like hey this person that's in

close proximity to me that i always wanted to fuck turns out they want to fuck me too that is what's hot about it the idea of like like, and they're like, and also, especially when they just go, oh, brother. And it's like, that's okay. A, it's not realistic. Much exposition. Yeah. Then David Attenborough comes on and narrates. Like, they could just make it roommate porn and that would be hot as shit.

I do see where you're coming from. No, the incest porn's great. It's been going on for years. No. No, no, no. Kyle, will you clarify a bit about real incest porn's great um it's it's been going on for years no no no no look how we clarify a bit about real incest porn are you talking about the stuff where it's like but uh but dad i can't do that it's like you're both in your 30s again no i'm i'm talking it's blurry in the room in a motel like like or something where they're literally twins. Identical. I like the identical twin.

Yeah. And then she's like, good. Your little twin lesbian three-way. I really like the twin lesbians. I said on the show like a hundred episodes ago that I thought brothers and sisters wanted to fuck more often than society let on.

And they told me I was wrong. You are wrong. Well, if at all, then you're right. If there are any. Because society lets on that there are none. See, I only had a brother. So this is an experience that I've had. But I can just imagine.

I only had a sister I didn't want to fuck. So I also don't know. I don't know. I only had a sister I didn't want to fuck, so I also don't know. I don't know. I don't have a sister either. I'm sure some people want to. Did you ever want to fuck your sister, Kyle? No. Yeah, see?

Yeah, I don't know. Why not? My aunt was pretty hot. She was like my half-aunt, too, so that almost made it okay. Yeah. Yeah. Half-aunt? What's a half-ant too so that that almost made it a little made it okay yeah yeah half-ant how's a half-ant um her and my mother had like different fathers so okay so is that i don't know what else to call her then i have well no that would be a step-ant right no no i think that might be a half-ant yeah yeah a step-ant would involve

no blood relation. And no blood relation. You could totally fuck your step-ant. Oh, absolutely. Now, I knew a chick who had fucked her step-brother. And I thought that was pretty crazy. Yeah, there was an Ask Reddit thread

about it where they said, has this ever happened? And then a whole bunch of people lied with really good stories. But I also – another genre that I don't like is the idea – there will be like the daddy-daughter swap. Ooh, yeah. Those are good. Everything I say that I'm like not a fan of i was like this is a visited link how does the daddy daughter swap work are there two parents and the the two dads just swap kids so they can

fuck each other's children yeah yeah that's it like there's whether it's like oh this is a camping trip and like oh i'm gonna get in this tent you get in that tent or like there was legit i saw one that was uh that like it just started because i you know you click on it and it's just it just looks like oh these are two couples fucking and then it's like the backstory becomes like these two guys sitting on the cat you know i always thought your daughter was hot i always thought your daughter was hot well let's do this and it's just it. Did you see this one I just linked? Hey, this has nothing to do with incest, Kyle.

Or does it? I didn't actually click. We have standards. On Massa's plantation. Oh, fuck. That will not be a visited link on my computer. Wait, you're not going to put that one right next to the Ebony gets fucked in all holds by a group of neo-Nazis or whatever the hell that is? I have this new book. It's available on Amazon right now. It's called On Masses Plantation.

Oh, God. The one with the Confederate flag on the front. It takes a while to get to it, but it looks like the Mass's daughter eventually goes into the stables and the slaves take a liking to her and it's totally consensual, if you're curious.

Oh, it's totally consensual. By the way, there's like four or five parts to this. As it goes on like she gets her entire family involved and they're all fucking the slaves well that's nice

I don't want anything where there's that much story and I have to track it I don't care I feel like this is a very progressive racist porn as racist porn go you know I feel like well in part three they get the whip out so nah alright I'm glad you know i feel like well in part three they get the whip out so all right that yeah i'm glad

you know it by heart though that's good yeah i i wrote it like yeah i co-produced in part four the protagonist dies i have sunk a lot of money into on masses plantation yeah it's a good thing you live in like like on a big field that's what's what I mean. I mean, I, they, they used my location. That saves money on location fee. And when you're making a racist porn, I think you should never underestimate location fee because it's a period piece often. Location, location, location. That's what they say.

That's key. Do you think like in Japan or China, they have like their racist porn where it's like, now don't judge me, but I'm really into the rape of Nanking. And they have something like that. They'll be like, oh, this is horrible, but it turns me on so much. Kyle's like, who's Nanking, and can I see her

get raped? I don't know about the rape of Nanking. It was a despicable act committed by the Japanese on the Chinese, and it's one of the reasons why I always say the Japanese were just as bad as the Nazis. Hey, but that was probably, like, one of the only bad things the Japanese did, right? No, it's just the tip of the iceberg. You know, talk about what...

With their vivisection? Is that what it's called? The vivisection, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that was when they chopped people up while they were still alive just to see what happened yeah no and like well the same kind of stuff as i was it mangala was that the nazi they would freeze them alive um you know and then they would stop the freezing process um you know at different different stages to to like a study hypothermia although just so you know the u.s government came in used took all those files and we used them uh to you know better mankind gotta crack some eggs hey how do you think we

got to the moon right yeah you know i i'm totally fine with that if somebody else does a bunch of fucked up shit to get information and then we beat them and we take that information what else are you just gonna burn it for no reason like no that's that's info you may as well hold on i'm fine with that i'm fine with that. I'm fine with that. Yeah, yeah. I'm just saying, you know, you should know. Yeah, there's a reason NASA was, like, all German. I am not German.

No. I am American, USA. Red, white, and blue. my uh my ex went to uh my ex went to school with a with an argentine girl who was blonde hair blue eyes whose last name was schrader and i was like oh that's that's a descendant of a nazi yep yeah there's no way yeah have you seen tim kennedy speak about like those uh those towns down there that are be all German? Lots of the Nazis fled down there. The Mossad, the Jewish special forces, sent a couple of missions down there and grabbed Nazis and brought them back to justice over in Israel. They're really interesting stories about how these Mossad agents

go down there, they find the guy, they stalk him for days, then they end up just jumping his ass, beating the shit out of him, throwing him in a van. Next thing he knows, he's on a cargo plane to Israel. Yeah. I saw that scene in X-Men. That was pretty cool. Yeah, based on true story, X-Men.

Yeah, that is. I just had a clip, I just had a clip the other day where I've been doing this new material where I'm, like, making fun of Nazis, like, of today's Nazis. Oh, God. Today's Nazis are terrible.

That's a bold step. You're making fun of Nazis, huh? Someone walked out offended. I'm like, that's what the clip is, where, like, someone, someone like interrupted a couple of times and then she walked out offended and you say like you joke about like oh that's a bold statement you should see the fucking comments you should see how many don't just go throwing the nazi word around i'm like i'm talking about people who are chanting blood and soil that is what good people chanting

blood and soil i'm told yeah exactly there's I'm talking about people who murdered someone who chanted blood and soil. Is that only a Nazi thing, or is that another... I never heard of it until Charlottesville. It's an old Nazi slogan. As a Jewish person, I am familiar with a great deal of Nazi slogans. Do you know what it means, blood and soil? I think Kyle briefly explained it one show. Blood and soil...

There's a Wikipedia for it, and they're... Let's see. Yeah. It's a sloganikipedia for it and they're let's see yeah it's like okay or wait it's a slogan expressing 19th century german idealization of a racially defined national body so i guess it's been around since before uh nazis but just same way the swastika was a thing before it and i love the people being like look the swastika was a beautiful symbol it's like yeah but then it's kind of what it's known for now it's been really ruined it

because aesthetically it's like the germans had us beat on every if it was a war of fashion we would have been trounced we had no chance and then and so they took all the you know aesthetically pleasing symbols from other people's cultures or their own whatever the hell they did and then they're like oh you want to ruin this forever yeah how about no hugo boss you'll be fine you'll be making clothes 100 years from now i still have to go up like yeah like and so he does still hugo boss is still out there making shirts that are too small yeah which i did not know about that that's a history that i didn't know and i had like hugo boss stuff and i was like wait no that's why they're did you ever see our not our outfits compared to the nazi ones say what you want about the Nazis, but they were snappy dressers.

They were. They were very snappy. When I see, was it Ralph Fiennes maybe in Schindler's List? I want to say it was. He's the one running the concentration camp. Ray Fiennes. Ray Fiennes. Okay, okay.

And he's fucking the Jewish girl, and then he sends her out one day, and then he's out there, he's smoking a cigarette, sits it down, he's got the suspenders on, gets out his sniper rifle, and just guns her down right there, picks up his... He was dressed well throughout that whole

movie. Looking great. It almost, just a little, made me want to... No, I guess it didn't make me want to be a Nazi. It just made me want to dress like a Nazi. Yeah, which is why you ordered all that SS stuff on eBay. That is why. Is it bad to order SS stuff on eBay? No, it's not.

I see sometimes at gun shows, like SS hats and stuff, they're expensive. They're $600 or $700 or something like that. it's gonna be expensive yeah and like the you can get the hitler youth blades and stuff like that i mean it i think collecting this collecting evil things doesn't make you evil no here's here's the way celebrating like if you sure well yeah you know you don't celebrate it you just like if you're really into history and you walk into the history room and it's like oh this is a real ss hat this is a real hitler youth knife this is a real gun from uh the soviet union in world war ii here's a british piece or something

but if i walk in multiple things and it's like i'm a lover of history but it's only nazi shit i'm gonna be like all right this is a little suspect you don't have like a soviet helmet or something around here no no no i'm really segmented in my interest. Not a single arrowhead. What I like about history, I like to see it or touch it and think about the previous souls that existed there. I went out west once, and we saw this place where Native American Indians washed their clothes,

which sounds boring, but it was like, man, imagine just like women lined up here for a hundred yards talking to each other gossiping cleaning against their will propaganda they didn't wash filthy fuckers so you know this is all they're kind of getting work done and having a social experience and i stood in that same spot and that was interesting to me when i when i see like a german luger or better yet, the rifle, and especially if it's beat up a little, it's like, oh, think about how terrified the owner of this gun was at one point.

The shit that he went through, the thousand-mile stare. This thing has a history to it. I really like it. And I used to only like it when it was good guy history, and I've come to evolve to like all of it. Well, I definitely... So I was a history major in college, and one of the courses I took was history of the city of New York. And the professor was this guy, Kenneth Jackson, who actually was like the editor of the Encyclopedia of New York. And when Rick Burns did the documentary, the New York City documentary aired the year i was taking this course

and my professor didn't tell us he was in it he was just like yeah you know if you want to watch this you know it's a pretty good it's pretty good documentary and then like i i have it on in the background while i'm doing homework for the class and all of a sudden i hear my professor's voice i'm like all right this guy's fucking legit uh so he took us on this tour of fort tryon park which is the highest point in new york city and it's where the revolutionary war was fought and to be able to be standing there and be like okay you see all of harlem and you see the park you see the cloisters you see the hudson river with the palisade cliffs rising up out of jersey and then he tells us this story of like margaret

corbin which is what the street is named, Margaret Corbin Way. She was the first female commissioned officer in the military. And he tells us the story of how that happened. And to be standing on that spot, I absolutely agree with you. Like connecting to that was amazing. But I don't know if I would be like, oh, man, this Nazi must have been real scared. Yeah. Like, fuck that guy.

I hear you. And I want to politely say, like, you might be biased. No, you can. I mean, you don't have to be right about it. I'm very biased. Yeah. And, you know, I should be biased, too. But I just, yeah.

Like you said, you feel it. If you find, like, Hitler's pipe, you're not like, he must have been so frightened sitting in that bunker. No, but if you find some random ass German gun, more than likely it was some dude who thought he was on the right side. Probably not like some like evil piece of shit, like just another dude. Like the same way you would think about it. There are obviously, yeah, but a Soviet or American soldier yeah there is the idea of like oh just following orders but there's also the idea of like

but you didn't know that you didn't know that rounding up people based on their religion and race and disabilities was wrong that was a thing you had to be taught like doesn't that seem kind of inherent there should have been a test I agree with you I mean inherent? There should have been a test. I agree with you.

There should have been a test. I mean, some of them could have been put to use, but... Yeah, I mean, there might have been some cobblers in there. People of value. Might have been. There might have been. I mean, I can't be sure they were Jewish. This is the weirdest part to me about today's Nazis.

The idea that there's a cross-section of people who call themselves American patriots and people who associate with the Nazi party. How the fuck could those two things ever come together? Hitler did not attack the United States.

We declared war on him. I think that's probably part of what they lean upon. And also they probably like Hitler's, you know. Moxie. His moxie. Yes, his writing skill. You know what?

Hitler bombed Pearl Harbor. They like the ideology more than, you know, the people and players perhaps. But, you know, Hitler didn't attack the United States. You know, Hitler had visited the U.S. not too long prior. He did attack a bunch of U.S. merchant marines, right? He didn't like the way we were delivering tanks and supplies

to the British. Yeah, he was fucking us up with the submarines, wasn't he? The Lusitania maybe comes to mind? Yeah, the Lusitania. The Lusitania, though, was bullshit. Way, way before, right? The Lusitania, I, was way, way before. The Lusitania, I think, is World War I. It's World War I and it's bullshit, yes. Yeah, the Lusitania was one of those things.

It's actually... Yeah, the Lusitania is an example of the reason why people argue that 9-11 could be an inside job. Because the Lusitania was something where, like, we were told if we went in those waters, we would be blown up. And then we did anyway. Yeah.

Because that would push us into war. And we put civilians on that ship so that it would be extra juicy for the papers. The Gulf of Tonkin is another example. But the Gulf of Tonkin is even more bullshit than the Lusitania. The Lusitania actually happened, it seems. Makes you, yeah. All this shit makes you wonder how much of the stuff you read in history books like how much of it is just total bullshit made up after the fact to justify things

like honestly probably a lot that and sometimes decisions that seem really bad don't look so like might not look as bad if you knew everything and the one thing in particular is the privacy invasion right so under w after 9-11 they started monitoring so much about our phone calls and voicemails and emails and all that stuff. And you're like, oh my gosh, you know, you have a right to privacy in this nation. And it seems like they're like, hey, you know what?

We don't tap phone calls, but we tap everything else. They're not phone calls, but they're just modern day phone calls, right? And then we can tap who you call, even we're not listening, whatever. And then W put that into place. And then W gets replaced by Obama.

And he just ratchets it up. Like he doesn't back it off even though he's different politically in a lot of ways. And now Trump comes along and it doesn't get backed off at all. So it's like, huh, maybe these decisions that seem evil and crazy from this chair don't seem so evil and crazy from that one. Maybe there's. I feel like as someone who looks as someone who looks a great deal like Edward Snowden, I feel like I'm an expert on this. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah.

There was a there was a cover of Wired magazine that he was on it. And my friend thought it would be funny to send me a version. He like colorized it so that he'd have red hair. And I posted it on Facebook being like, oh, look at this. But I didn't say, look at this. He colorized it. I just said, ha-ha, look at this. And then my mother commented and was like,

why didn't you tell me you were in Wired? Your own mom. Like, she just legit believed that Edward Stone was me. I get it a lot at shows. Like, people ask about it. And I was pretty pissed i was like joseph gordon levitt looks way less like edward snowden than i do i should have been in that movie that's absolutely true but yeah the idea of like on one hand you go oh maybe

history will vindicate things that we think are evil now but also maybe we won't ever know the truth behind them because of shit like gulf of tonkin or lusitania and other examples throughout history yeah like but we do know the truth behind those things well we we learned the truth behind those things many many many years later okay no one who was alive when the lusitania happened i think ever like found out or no one who was cognizant shit like and like those are only the ones that got uncovered there are clearly like the fact that they attempted this means that it's worked in the past these are things that are trends that they do and so once a critical mass of time passes like for the most part unless they find like original firsthand documents they're not going

to uncover it just becomes part of history like that's just what history is now like nobody's going to try and uncover it because well i'm a historian and i heard that historian say it well where'd he hear it from that historian where'd he hear it from me well yeah like you just once a critical mass of time it's just over are we killing historians too then no i like history it's too interesting to kill a story new topic because i have one okay here is a young lady cute one i might add who um raped her boyfriend so have you guys been keeping up with this story no i have not heard anything last name mirrors charged with using a machete to force a man to have sex with her now just to be clear because when i told my wife about the story she thought the guy got fucked with a machete no no no no boyfriend ex-boyfriend uh

he didn't get fucked with a machete he fucked her with his dick she used the machete as an intimidation tool and uh it's it's pretty interesting so isn't it funny real quick that when a woman does it the language they use is forced to have sex instead of rape yes that's well that's because of the definition of rape. Can we circle back to that? Kyle seems to know something I don't know. Anyway. The definition of rape requires

forcible penetration digitally or with an object or your penis of the other person. So a woman cannot rape a man unless she uses a dildo to penetrate his asshole. Or another object. there are other objects yeah well broomsticks it goes on and on so uh samantha ray mears uh who's by the way the video people can can see it she's kind of cute has been

charged with wielding a machete in order to force a man to have sex with her she entered the residence of her ex-boyfriend while he wasn't home. When he got home, she confronted him with the machete, ordered him to get in the bed and remove his clothes. So he did that. Then she removed her pants, climbed on top of him, engaged in intercourse. The guy pretended to be calling his friends, but he actually called 911, slowly backed out of the room and escaped. called 911, slowly backed out of the room and escaped. Also, somewhere during the ruckus, he claimed that she bit him and there were bite marks on his arm, saying his story is right. She's been charged with two felonies, aggravated burglary and assault with a weapon. She's also been charged with some misdemeanors, unlawful restraint, partner slash family member assault,

and two counts of criminal mischief. And then here's something to Kyle's point. No word yet on additional charges, such as sexual intercourse without consent. I think if you do anything to anyone at machete point, it's probably pretty bad.

It's probably pretty hard. If it's anything sexual at machete point, it is rape. Oh, Kyle, you have sex with the same person 2,000 times. You've got to spice it up a little. Back me up. Yeah.

Look, I have no problem with a little knife play, as it's known. A little gun. Look, Woody, you've got to remember that once our bill passes, Woody's wife is gone. So he's got to spice things up while she's still here. Yeah, she's on a couple of those lists. No way. I put her on my list regardless of what group she's in just so I can create hypothetical single Woody. Hypothetical no more.

One of Kyle's lists is actually Woody's wives. That's the list. That's it. It's Woody's whole. That's the list. That's it. It's Woody's whole family. Just wife them all. Wow. I kind of like it. He really wants that single. I'm cutting you loose, buddy.

You go out and do your thing. You're going to be. What is. I don't know what you'll do, but you'll have fun. What is the thing you guys. You'll be sad for a while, but. You'll get over it once you're single. What's the thing you guys do that would get you on this list that we're making?

Oh. I retell stories. Retell stories? That's a good one. People who read... Well, we'll have to have a cutoff that includes you, but not most people. I'll tell you this. If a cleaning lady was ever making one of these lists, she would say that I leave soiled condoms in my hotel room sometimes. There's just so many,

I can't get them all. I definitely make sure to throw those out. I put toilet paper over it so it doesn't look gross. They don't always end up in the trash can. I think you misunderstood. Oh, well that's rude. They're on the ceiling.

They are stuck to the ceiling with Kyle's cum. You can get them down by turning on the ceiling fan. Yeah. Fly on the wall. I attached them just right so that when the fan spins, it just splashes cum all over the room. Like the reservoir tip is taped down to the edge of the

blade. So centrifugal force, cum is just splattered everywhere. And then you have to bring in an expert like Dexter for the cum splatter. He turns on the black light. Hi, I'm a cum splatter expert. Wait, hold on.

You have to do it this way. Now this is more than one load. Let me put it in my breakfast. Scott's telling us it's more than one load, guys. The cum load team. team oh it's funny this is actually I don't know if you've seen the new season of Queer Eye but that's one of the episodes oh yeah yeah yeah is that show still going on

it's on Netflix now they did a reboot I can't imagine I've never seen that show sounds so boring so I guess the cat's out of the bag now because Wings tweeted this photo how many people can say they got their feet done in mexico and he's getting his uh hoof worked on by

young mexican we're gonna be nice so what do you owe me five dollars oh you're paid uh ah excellent yeah yeah no i am i i paid you i took a little screenshot put it on the subreddit. You're all paid. Yes. Excellent. Oh, Vince has posted quite a few photos. Ah, well. You know, as someone who listens to the show and is fairly active in the subreddit, I've never heard

you mention who is this person. Oh, my gosh. Who wants to tackle this question? I know who the fuck this is. He talks about him on every episode. Who is this person? Oh, my gosh. Who wants to tackle this question? I know who the fuck this is. He talks about him on every episode. Are you kidding me? I'm really gullible.

It's one of my flaws. It would get me on the list. Are you insane? Everyone who's ever come on PKA knows who Wade is. He got his surgery. Long story short, he went to Mexico, got the surgery. He's there now. He'll be home soon. We're very proud of him. Looking forward. He's going to be dropping so much weight. story short he went to mexico got the surgery he's there now he'll be home soon it's uh we're

very proud of him uh looking forward he's gonna be dropping so much weight it's gonna be cool to watch and then he'll have that 24 7 squirrel suit oh jesus christ he's tired i i gotta i gotta uh let my dog out for a sec i'll be back okay um yeah i i there were people who would write me on reddit like they private message me it happens a lot and they're like you know what do you should be going harder on them and this and that and i'm like man i think if i did i would be on the wrong side of history i uh i came around a while ago to thinking that the surgery was going to happen and uh and i think after the surgery happens he's going to lose a lot of weight a lot of people don't have faith that the surgery will work. It will definitely work.

Definitely going to work. It's a lot. Now, I don't want to be mean. I'm not positive what he'll look like in 2021, right? Because I've seen people sort of beat that surgery. But I do have a good vibe for what he's going to look like in 2019. And it's pretty cool. I think he's going to get the same kind of love in the community that Boogie is

getting now. A lot of people are impressed. I am with Boogie's progress. You see the before and after pictures. It's incredible. And Wings is about to do that. And also I've said this before years ago. Superman isn't brave. Superman when he does his things he's usually not facing any risk.

When, when Superman goes into the oil rig and pulls the guy out of the fire, no big deal. It took a lot of bravery, I would say for wings to come from his background where he really hasn't left his town very much to go to Mexico and get it done. So I think that's pretty cool too. Wings did a thing and I think he deserves a little credit. I think that I deserve a little credit for, for, for pushing him so hard to go get it and and and stirring up the

masses to make sure that he went i think if no one had given him even an ounce of shit he might have backed out but we made it impossible for him to back out we were his accountability buddies always need an accountability buddy that's right it was more of an accountability bully that's the truth to that that's a good line but yeah yeah definitely not just us like the whole i mean how many times do you think he's been asked how much he weighs on his stream in the last six months a lot a lot tens of thousands uh you think he's been asked how much he weighs on his stream in the last six months? A lot. A lot.

Tens of thousands. No. That's not even, like, the question, though. Like, he's said it enough. People probably know his weight. It's probably just responding to the mean comments, right, that get to him. The world's been on him. And in fairness to the world, Wings really did tell a lot of lies about where he was in the weight loss process.

He talked about having the plane booked. He talked about having the surgery booked when those things weren't actually true yet. People were justifiably upset because he didn't stick to the truth on this. But in the end, he did come through. Or did he? What if this is if he what if he went to his local mexican restaurant he's like all right i'm gonna be buying a lot of fajitas this week but i need a favor from you guys he's just faking now where's the local costume shop yeah he's faking the whole thing he's like you're gonna be the dr rosita see you're gonna be you're

gonna be like that would be great if he faked the whole thing because this incision does look very small right wait i was impressed you saw an incision picture yeah go to his twitter he's got like uh a dozen or so photos put up yeah maybe show the incision off it's um there's a thumbnail of it it's right around 9 12 his tweet from like four hours ago i think i am showing it off now i might need to yeah i really like after that show the picture of him and his mom and he's got the like like like a little bottle of tequila and they're both wearing like mexico ponchos and and sombreros it's it's it's kind of cute that is funny his has a mary on it yeah everyone in Mexico is Catholic life-size may a Virgin Mary on his yeah well I mean it looks like he's

oh he said that he was having it done I'm gonna mess this word up endoscopically does that sound right that's kind of right and a medical yeah so endoscopic surgery is when they uh just make a small incision and put a tube and then everything happens inside that tube it's more difficult on the surgeon but it's easier on the patient yeah that makes sense because it is a very small incision see i i i was always assuming that maybe it was going to be a big one, right? Me too, yeah.

And it's certainly a deep one. No way to get around that. And I was just like, wow, this is a lot of tissue that's going to have to heal up. But that's very small. That's very small. Yeah, he's still, I mean, for lack of a better medical term, fucked up inside. I mean, they just changed the way that he digests food and I'm sure moved things around in a pretty dramatic way in his belly. It, they just, the only thing that's not really

messed up is the skin, but on the insides, they made some radical changes. Well, they just, you know, they separated his stomach into two parts. I'm sure that there's a lot of healing to be, to be done now. He's going to be on this liquid diet, I think, for like two months or something like that going forward. He's going to drop a shitload of weight just from that. Liquid diet and won't be hungry. That's the magic of it. If you put me on a liquid diet, by lunchtime tomorrow, I'll be like,

oh my God, I'm so hungry. Not enough broth in the world to satisfy this hunger. But you put this surgery and a liquid diet hunger but you put a you know this surgery and liquid diet together and you get a recipe for weight loss i think you can eat pudding though oh i mean well maybe you don't need that much of it i love pudding pudding is one of my favorite things are you serious pudding is a bullshit dessert that i won't eat unless there's something better like it's not good well you won't eat unless there's something better. It's not good. Wait, you only eat pudding when there's

something better? That's a terrible decision making. I don't want to dance on pudding. You just said it. I said it incorrectly. I don't care for pudding. I'd rather have a cookie, a cake, ice cream, I'm not even the biggest ice cream fan, pie. I'd rather have any in the world of desserts.

Pudding is last place. I like pudding. Pudding is right ahead of good and plenty. I'd rather have any in the world of desserts. Pudding is last place. I like pudding. Pudding is right ahead of good and plenty. I especially like the exotic puddings. I would rather somebody slap me in the face than eat a good and plenty. The bread pudding. Banana pudding. Rice pudding. Never had either of those. Rice pudding is good. Taylor, you can't go talk to shit about pudding when all you had is some stupid

Bill Cosby bullshit. Alright, well then I've had those. Now my pudding matters. I've eaten those dozens of times, Woody. Many, many times. Ask anyone. I used to love rice pudding. Ate it all the time. Nobody knew bread pudding was good.

Bread pudding sounds terrible. I tried it. Pretty good. Bread pudding is amazing. There was a while when I was like cooking. It's named poorly. It's named poorly. I was cooking like two or three bread puddings a week at one point until I mastered my recipe.

It's amazing. There's some raisins and cinnamon, the deliciousness. And I get this rice pudding from the Indian restaurant I go to. And it's fucking great, too. And it's rice. It's rice pudding. And a banana pudding, of course. I love banana everything.

And banana pudding is just really good. But I like those pudding packs. Little snack packs. Oh, he likes Banana pudding is just really good. I like those pudding packs. Little snack packs. Who likes the pudding packs? I love them. I get a little hard when I'm eating one because I'm thinking about Bill and his accomplishments.

Yeah. I mean... So is he still going blind at home or did something happen I think he's awaiting sentencing or some shit I don't know I don't care about Bill anymore

I wish he'd rape somebody new you know like that wouldn't that be nuts if he had a fresh rape like a brand new one like right in the middle of the trial oh it's been 10 years since my last good one, and I figure in for a penny, in for a pound, am I right? Bill, don't make rape puns. In for a penny, in for a pound, Bill.

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If you want, like, a fancy steak, you can get it Postmated. It's great. I got more people to kill. Oh. You know, did you forget you were Jewish? It seems like you shouldn't be participating in this. We've all been dancing around that one, to be honest. Well, I just feel like, you know, if I was Jewish, I might be cautious about the genocide.

But okay, go. Look, look. Again, this is going to be voted in. Okay. Because I just took my dog out. How about the people who do the whole, oh, but my dog is friendly. When they bring, like When they want to make your dog play with their dog.

It's actually a little bit of a rapey vibe, in a way. Because it's like, my dog doesn't want any of this right now. And then they're like, no, they have to play with my dog. Yeah, I don't like that. But even more so, all pit bull owners. Ah, well, then I'm dead.

You have a pit bull? So I have a staffie, which is in all the pit bull bans, staffies are banned as well. Like Delta just banned them as service animals, which is fucking insane, by the way. The idea that like Yeah, what if the service your dog provides

is murder? I had this, it's funny. He protects my drug money. They're seeing eye dogs as well. The reason, the reason they actually make really good service dogs is because they're incredibly human loyal.

And that's actually why they became fighting dogs because they would do anything to please their owner. Even if it meant fighting another dog. He killed a baby once for me so yeah no mercy uh your accent is so perfectly you right now so uh yeah like i have a i have a staff at your bull terrier and he's like this little 30 pound dude and he is he's basically like a potato with feet and uh he is he is now banned by delta for because and the whole story behind that by the way so the the the pitbull attack that happened on delta was there was a support dog and by the way plenty there are plenty of

people who do the bullshit untrained emotional support garbage but like the uh so they had this dog and the flight attendant was like oh could i pet your dog and they were like no and she was like oh come on and they said no three times and then she still went to putt the dog and then of course the dog attacked her of course was the dog muzzled uh the dog was not muzzled but like but a dog well no the dog just went like this to her a whole lot just like what no obviously but the thing is is that like look when people come up to me on the street and they're like oh can i pet your dog because it looks like stuffed animal uh i'm always like no because if my dog doesn't like that person there's gonna be a fucking

incident and like why should i force that on my dog? Yeah, I feel the same way. I have a pet cobra. And I tell people, keep five feet away. That's his strike range. And you'll be fine. And the other day, this guy walked into the five-foot strike range.

He's dead. Yeah, I tried to bring a bucket of my emotional support poison dart frogs and they said you can't bring this sir and i said it gives me glee to know that i could you know if i get too scared of this turbulence i can just reach my hand in it's all over it gives me emotional support taylor in the in the chat saying uh rebranding pitbulls as staffordshire terriers so the actual name of the breed, so there's Staffordshire Bull Terrier, which is like the British pit,

and then there's American Staffordshire Terrier, which is what a Pit Bull is. But most of the time people say Pit Bull, they mean, oh, it has a face that looks like a Pit Bull. This thing that's in the picture looks like a Pit Bull. That's personally what I mean, and all of the dogs who have faces that look like a Pit Bull, quote-unquote, should die.

And their owners first. If the lab is mixed with a pit bull, then yes. You've never seen that shit online where they're like, which is the pit bull? And you have to try to choose. The one that attacked someone 20 minutes earlier. The one with the baby in its mouth. The one with blood

dripping from its face. The one being led by that muscular black man with the wife feeder. How do you like it now, Steve? Now that you're on the list, huh? You don't like it so much? You and my wife are goners. The fact that like 95% of dog attacks that kill other dogs are pit bulls has nothing to do with the fact that they were raised to fight other dogs in pits.

Okay, person who got your statistics from from pitbull dog attack.org dog attack.org yeah the yeah the the actual i didn't know you agreed with pita so much uh the actual little common ground yeah the actual statistics uh are that when places ban pitbulls, dog bites do not go down. The reason why there are a lot of dog bites is because it's a very common breed. And so like Ontario, for instance. Is it as common as a Labrador? I don't know that offhand. You know it's not.

No, no, no. I honestly don't know that offhand. But breeds that bite more, smaller breeds bite more. Bite more often. I believe that, no. I honestly don't know that offhand. But breeds that bite more, smaller breeds bite more. Bite more often. I believe that, yeah. And I believe that might also have to do with the owners. Like, we have Great Danes in my family. And if those dogs show even a hint of aggression, like, it's a big thing.

We bring in trainers. Like, you know, because it's not something to be fucked around with. But when your six-pound dog does, people let it go. Yeah, people think it's adorable. They're like, oh, did you get stabbed by a small knife? It's adorable. Who's bleeding? Who's bleeding?

It's the fact. Look, the fact is, is that pit bulls are a very common dog in lower income communities. And so when you talk about the fact that like, oh, they bring in trainers, and then they work with the dog, it's like, well, not everybody has that luxury, Mr. Sisko. So, like, but it is a lot about, it is

a great deal about training and about making your dog, you know, because there are dogs with good temperaments and there are dogs with bad temperaments. What if I want to get a panther? What if I need an emotional support box jellyfish in an aquarium? Are there any panthers

that pass temperament tests? Well, the panthers don't have to pass a dog temperament test. They have to pass the panther temperament test. If they don't kill the person on sight. That's a lower standard. Oh, good. Much lower standards standards a review of 82 dog bite cases at a level one trauma center where the breed

of the dog was identified concludes that attacks by pit bulls are associated with higher morbidity rates higher hospital charges they also rate more babies where where uh so i'm curious what's the source on this uh dog bite law.com yeah i'm sure that that's not uh polemic at all um can you what's the agenda behind saying like who's out there like these goddamn dogs are good it's like is do you know about that shit pita the the head of pita has gone on record being like, we want to, I mean, aside from the fact that PETA has said that they want to basically kill all stray dogs in a very, like, Batman kind of way.

In a very, like, we must destroy Gotham to save it. Like, that kind of bullshit. They have, like, they have a quest to kill all pit bulls. Like, the founder of PETA doesn't like the breed. We have common ground now.

This is pretty great. I thought the only thing that I had in common with PETA were in thinking that kill shelters are a good idea. Yeah, definitely a good idea. PETA's kill rate is 90%. Yeah, it's ridiculous. I once

got followed by the communication director for PETA on Twitter. And so I was like, hey, while I have you here, a couple questions. And I asked her, I was like, why is your kill rate 90%? And she was like, oh, well, you know, a lot of dogs that come to us are last chance dogs. And I was like, yeah, yeah, there are a lot of shelters like that. And their kill rate is like 20%. Why is yours 90? And she kept, like, repeating that same thing.

like 20 why is yours 90 and she kept like repeating that same thing and i was like why is there footage of you taking a of like pita taking dogs off people's porches and killing them why the fuck is that a thing and then she's like well i don't speak for pita i'm like your profile says communications director who the fuck are you and then she blocked me so well i don't like it if they are dog napping dogs just to get a little extra murder in for the day. They sure are. Hey, here's something, and it sounds like it's from some bullshit study. Children's Hospital of Philadelphia in 2009, the plastic and reconstructive surgery. Good, you found one.

Five-year review found that almost 51% of attacks were from pit bulls, 9% were from Rottweilers, and 6% were from mixes of these two breeds. A whopping two-thirds of hospital dog attack injuries involved just two breeds, pit bulls and Rottweilers. Yeah. They are bigger dogs. They are tougher dogs. When they do bite, it's more serious. Great Danes aren't on here.

Greyhounds aren't on here. The reason they're called pit bulls, they were bred as dog- dog fighting dogs. Like, they are more likely to harm people. Yeah, and that's why it needs to, like, the owner needs to be a better, more conscientious owner. Like, but if you have that, if you have someone who has trained their dog, who has, there are also a ton of of there's also a ton of anecdotal evidence of pitbulls saving people's lives like you have that as well anecdotal by killing someone yeah by killing someone else right yeah yeah no by taking a fucking baby out anyway so well i mean

there's also statistics of pitbulls raping babies so it's a mix bag with the babies i really don't think how much you want to bet pitbull i've got i've got articles nothing at all anymore of Pitbull's raping babies. So it's a mixed bag with the babies. I really don't think Pitbull's raping babies. How much you want to bet, Pitbull? I've got an article. Well, nothing at all anymore. You seem so confident. You're either very right or very good at bluffing. Google search this right now.

Pitbull rapes two-year-olds. That's the kind of porn that Kyle likes. Pitbull's raping babies. It's actually he prefers the singer Pitbull raping babies, which is odd. But that's what Kyle's into. Pitbull molest attacks

rape. Jesus Christ. No fucking way. Molested and attacked toddler. A bizarre and disturbing story. And this Pitbull in the picture looks so adorable. It looks like she wouldn't hurt a fly. Like a dog humped the baby?

No, the dog penetrated the baby, knotted the baby, which is when the base of the dog's cock locks inside of the whatever it's fucking, and was running around dragging the baby from its orifice behind its cock inside of it. And the parents are chasing the dog-baby hybrid at this point around. After hearing that story, I think Steve's joke of,

that's the kind of porn Kyle's like, got even better. Yeah, I know. You were saying they're really, really common. You know, there's Retrievers number one, German Shepherds number two, Retrievers Golden number three. And then just like right there at number 85 is Pitbull. As far as how common they are at home. But again, that is the, that is the, you just said anything that looks like a Pitbull is a Pitbull.

So how many of those other dogs are classified as Pitbulls by people who glance at them? Over on Kyle's doghate.org. That's a doghate.org website. You can't reference me in your pro-pit bull argument. I'm just talking shit because I know it annoys you. I think that, like, Steve, I love you, but man, Taylor seems to be pulling out some stats from plastic surgeons at CHOP.

And I know. What does the pediatric plastic surgeon section of the hospital in philadelphia no oh yeah anti-picture taylor don't be fooled by big pediatric surgery that is a legit site but again the idea of you know figures don't lie but liars use figures like that phrase exists because you can you can manipulate those statistics without looking at the context of the statistics. Is it also possible that pit bulls bite more?

More often than which breed? Most. I don't think pit bulls bite more often. Two-thirds of attacks were caused by the same two breeds. I think that two-thirds of the attacks that people go to the hospital with, but like we talked about before,

don't go to the fucking hospital when you get the ball. Maybe we're talking past each other because I'm talking about it from a safety thing. If a chihuahua is really bitey, it doesn't matter because it's not going to harm someone. My point isn't the number of bites because that's a silly thing to quantify this by. Like, well, I was shot by a BB gun a thousand times

and I don't have a Purple Heart. It's like, well, shit, you weren't in war. I know this as a guy who's raised them. Goldfish bite all the time. If you put your hand in there, they come up, and they bite. Oh, they're on the list. They're menaces. Goldfish.

They really do. There should not be. I don't think someone should be allowed to have an emotional support goldfish. You're going one step too far. No, I'm with Steve on this one. I think you see my point. Goldfish, they really do bite constantly. They come up and they bite at your hand

if you put your finger in, but not a big damage. Yeah, it's about the... It's such a funny quasi tongue-in-cheek argument over actually bringing up stats and stuff over something so fucking stupid and useless like so chiz just posted in the comments that basically pitbulls do bite above average but

they're nowhere near number one um and they've been they've been vilified now like i said you know you talk about how oh well they've been they've been bred to fight and so that's the circumstance but let's look at the circumstance of that some of those bites come from actual fighting dogs like do you take all those stats off if you're if you're blaming the breed because what they were bred to do it's like okay we'll take those stats off and and like look at the context of a lot of those dogs are in poor income neighborhoods that don't treat dogs the same way that someone like woody who has you know 18 different dog trainers come in and like have it's not about the situation surrounding the dog to me it's the fact that this is a dangerous breed of dog that causes an enormously disproportionate amount of damage and and harm just like and that seems to be

bolstered by all this stuff even if i i forego dog attack.org or whatever uh that one you were talking about that isn't reputable i'd i'll take your word for that they seem to have a lot of links they have such good seo i don't know what the fuck she does, but there's this crazy woman on it who just like, and there are like 10 different clones of the website too. So it's like, oh, according to this site, according to that site, and it's like those are all owned by the same person.

And like whenever anybody has something like that, I question everything they believe. Ah. Well then, do we have to start our list of who to kill over? Is Taylor no longer a killer? No, too much work has been put in. We're sticking with what we have so far. I mean, my wife might have a chance.

Is this her lifeline? Are we going to question everything Taylor put on there? All right. I have another one. I have another one. People don't clean up their dog shit. Let's put them on the list. Yeah.

Don't clean up dog shit. There are people that walk their dog in my yard in your yard? yeah it's 14 acres so it's a little bigger than you're thinking maybe but they like walk around the perimeter of it I also hunt buffalo

and don't know fencing it just seems like when your yard gets big enough like the edge of it becomes public property. I don't fuss about it, but I don't really like it. You don't have a fence? Why don't you put up some signs? So we have a horse fence style thing, those three horizontal wooden things.

But it's not at the very edge where the street meets it. Okay, so it's people in between that. So it's people in front of, in between that. Yeah. Like, I definitely, like, there are lawns in my neighborhood where my view is that, like, you can, if you take a step onto the lawn, like, look, dogs will walk, even on a short leash, dogs will walk onto the grass that you're walking by. If you, like, I've seen people walk onto the lawn with them, and then I'm like, all right, that's an asshole. Like, you can't, it's impractical to be to be like okay my dog's never allowed to walk on grass you gotta clean up after them when they do their thing but like if they go on grass and they pee on a lawn like i think that's okay we're all part

of the same community everybody does it to each other i think that's okay but if you're literally walking across someone's lawn with your dog you gotta go also. I'll put them on the list. I'm fine with that. We are very liberal in adding people to the list. You don't like that? Perfect. Yeah. And there's also, I've even seen people

they bag up their dog shit and then leave the bag on the sidewalk. That's new to me. Just so it's to fester? Wow. We used to call them gifts when I was a kid. We never left them. We never gifted them, though.

Oh, anyone who's worn a puka shell necklace after 2006. Or an affliction shirt. After 2006. Tap out. We have to have time. Yeah, tap out. i saw this dude uh on i was uh walking down sunset boulevard on my way to the comedy store and there's like from where you can find parking to the store is like five six blocks of just nightclubs and you just see like just the

trashiest fucking people outside and there's one dude in his like probably late 50s wearing a wearing a tap out shirt and i just so desperately want to be like dude tap out like was he in good was he like in good enough shape that you wouldn't want to say that to him or was he like an overweight older man wearing a tap out shirt uh i i mean i i don't think i would confront a stranger with that anyway, but like, especially because someone like that, you got to know your audience and like, Hey, that's pretty funny to say to a buddy. It's not super funny to say to the guy, he would just be like, no, Taylor just wanted to profile the guy, not, not fight him, but you know, does this guy worthy of a tap out

shirt? He was, he was certainly in good shape for his age, but for his age doesn't mean like in good shape for his age. Okay. But for his age doesn't mean like in good shape average. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. I'm an expert at what you mean. Fit for an older guy. Yeah.

Fit for an older guy. But he also had the, like his torso wasn't a lowercase b. Mm-hmm. But it might have been a capital B. You know, like he had the belly. Like he had pecs, but he had the belly. He might have just been like a lowercase I

in bold. Bold print. Big font. I just love the idea that he has no neck. He has a floating head. You do what you can. Speaking of the comedy store, Kyle, you'd know more about this than me. only know because chis mentioned it briefly what um are you kyle you take it from here yeah yeah there's a streamer called ice poseidon and yeah i know of him okay he tried to get on stage uh a couple weeks ago

at the at the comedy store um i guess there were there was a girl that he sort of knew, not really, who was going to be in some other guy's set who did, I don't know what kind of performance he did, but it involved other people coming on the stage. Was this a pro show? Yeah, is it open mic? Yeah, I'm sorry to interrupt, but I need to know the context of this. Is this a pro show? Is this an open mic night?

Chiz will probably type it. Ch she's typed it i'll read it a stand-up girl had a spot and she was going to give some of her time to him in the belly room i don't know okay so the belly room so the belly room there are three rooms at the comedy store the belly room is the one that seats like 50 people and it's where it's very small okay it's where like so the main room i think the main room is like 350 and the original room is 200 so the belly room is like where the more alternative shows go or like someone producing a show like they you know and sometimes it'll be what's called a bringer show which is like you, you know, 10 comics on the show, but they all got to bring five friends in order to sell tickets. They're starting out.

Yeah, but sometimes the belly room has really good shows. It depends. Okay. And that's why I'm curious about it. So it's not like it was in the original room or in the main room, but still, it's a big fucking deal if it was not an open mic night. Yeah, well, he ended up getting banned uh i believe for life from the comedy store uh because it was antics he wouldn't turn his camera off he was he had his camera on the whole time uh i think he was planning on streaming from the stage uh and

then and uh that turned out to be a no-no and uh they told him repeatedly to turn it off and he lied uh it's a standard operating procedure and that's it's off and uh but yeah i believe they gave him a lifetime ban which was which was pretty funny i like the idea what kind of camera does he use it was a big camera it was not a cell phone yeah i like the idea of him just being like it's off right now yeah come on guys that was that's pretty much it like like he had like a streamer rig on, not necessarily just a cell phone. I watch his highlights. He often gets caught streaming.

He went to return an RV. And they're like, turn your stream off. Turn your stream off. And they're like, okay, okay, okay, it's off. It's off. And they're like,

we're watching your stream. I'm watching me tell you to turn it off. I'm watching you tell me it's off now. It's so busted. There's a video ice poseidon gets invited to the comedy store from june 16th but like the idea of that is anyone who buys a ticket can go to the comedy store it's not like there's a there's a magic the magic castle in la where you literally have to get invited to go see a magic show there. Like it's like a members only thing.

Comedy store is open to the public. Like crowing about how you're invited to go there. What's the big deal? I got invited to go to Waffle House. Yeah. Yeah. It seems like to the world, ice's popularity just hits these peaks and valleys that are outrageous to me. But I like having him on my monitor.

As a comic, I find it very disrespectful when someone's like, oh, I'm just going to do a set. You can't just do a set. That's not how it works. You can't just like, oh, I'm just going to be you can't just like oh i'm just gonna be a comic today he has a different goal than you do though right he's not actually trying to succeed and make the crowd enjoy themselves he's trying to live an interesting enough life that people want to follow it and if that means bombing on stage then that's fine by him that's still a win yeah that's super weird um so chiz just sent me the picture i do not recognize the girl but it's also like a weird

like screen grab of her where her face looks mushed if you watch the video uh you just fast forward four minutes or so you can see her in a normal thing here i'll show everyone what i'm it doesn't say her name uh i'll check the description yeah no it doesn't look like it yeah it's got to be like she's pretty because she did a podcast so someone said what's the what's the podcast he's doing i'm gonna look to look this up. Talk amongst yourselves. So the description for people who are listening to this on audio of the video is, Ice Poseidon gets invited to the comedy store

by a girl he met at E3. So that's how it went down. So basically, this girl was at E3, found out he was a popular streamer, and was like, oh, I bet I could get attention by having him at the show. Probably. Probably, yeah.

Yeah, that makes sense. There's a lot of people in his world who think along those lines, you know, like, how can I use this guy to get a little attention? Yeah. I mean, that happens, like, all the time with anyone who has any sort of following. Yeah. No matter what the weirdness of the following is. I sometimes wonder how I do in Ice's world. It makes me curious.

Like, would his whole audience hate me? I saw him hate someone because they said that he was a fucking normie. I'm like, ah, I probably get labeled being a normal person as well. Yeah. You strap a fan to your back and take to the skies like five times a week. I don't think normie would be the word they would describe. I think compared to Ice Poseidon, flying is still normal. Yeah.

Yeah. Do you have AIDS? Not yet. Well, ignore me. Ignore me. See, wait, does Ice Poseidon have AIDS? He does now. He just fucked a girl who was HIV positive raw dog,

but he hasn't been tested to have it. And it goes from guys to girls much more easily than girls to guys. So he probably doesn't have AIDS. Oh, I got cuts all over my dick, bro. That's so weird. What would there be cuts all over his dick for? You know that he doesn't shave down there if he doesn't even like to shower.

Oh, I fucked a thorn bush when I was high. It's so strange. Oh, my cactus hit it. Yeah. It's strange to me i'm having trouble i'm having more trouble understanding that following then i mean aside from the people being like look how weird this is like then i did understanding the you know the way stuff i wonder if you're a little defensive about people finding humor elsewhere. I've heard people describe PewDiePie as a comic, right?

Now, he's not doing bits on set, but he's reacting and making a game more entertaining than it would be from a dull person, right? Ice Poseidon, you know, like, what is he doing? Some sort of like arm waving and just saying things that a filtered person wouldn't say? Like, that's not crafting a piece. No. He's just an odd guy. Well, there's, so, I am

very defensive over the term comedian. Okay. Because it does, like, I get annoyed when people are like, oh, Will Ferrell is my favorite comedian. But he's not, he's a comic actor. Words have meaning, and you should use them correctly to describe what you're trying to describe. And so when you say comedian, if you say, hey, I saw this comedian last night, what do you picture? You picture a comedy club, right?

Yeah, yeah. A set is the word for the whole thing, right? I think I said something wrong what do you mean i i said you're crafting a scene or something i forget what i said but oh yeah well yeah what makes a comedian is someone who writes a set right yeah yes stand i mean a stand-up comedian is a very specific genre of entertainer the same way that like look i'm not a sketch actor i can't do sketch i'm not good at. And so there are different strengths and weaknesses, and I think the term's thrown around a lot.

It's especially annoying when, like, Hillary Clinton did a speech when she was Secretary of State where she had, like, a joke, and there were all these headlines of, like, Hillary turns comedian. I'm like, go fuck yourself. No. It's way more effort than that.

And so it's working your whole life to achieve something. And then someone else is throwing that title around. That is annoying. What you're saying in terms of like people finding humor in something else. There are so many things that are funny that aren't stand up comedy that I respect and I think is great. I don't understand, like, like, there's even half the stuff on Adult Swim, I look at it and I'm like, what the fuck is this? Like, I don't get it. And it's just, we're wired, everybody's wired differently. Every person is wired differently. What on Adult Swim do you not like? Oh, I wouldn't remember.

Just the one that, like, jumped out at you. I was just curious. I wouldn't remember the name of any of it. I mean, like, I would have, I mean, half of Tim and Eric. Like that Tim and Eric stuff, kind of, where you're like. Like, there was stuff in tim and eric there's some stuff with uh what's his name uh john c reilly yeah the john c reilly character on tim and eric's rules that's hilarious i was like this is brilliant this is so funny and then there's some stuff on tim and eric where i'm just like you have to be high to watch this right like? Like, I don't understand. That's how all sketch comedy is for me.

Like, it's like, this is really, really, really funny. Or, oh, this is terrible. And it's just a different gradient of how funny it is. So, like, Why Does Kid You Know was a good one. So, like, if you click on one of those YouTube videos, pretty solid. It's going to be good. There are some that are stupid and shitty, but whatever. Tim and Eric a little bit lower.

A lot of them just, like, the editing style keeps your attention because it's gonna be good there are some that are stupid and shitty but whatever tim and eric a little bit lower a lot of them just like the editing style keeps your attention because it's so odd uh million dollar or world peace that was a show on adult swim by million dollar extreme that was funnier than tim and eric but it still had a lot of what the fuck this isn't funny shit uh and then there's stuff like snl where the hit to miss ratio is not good at least modern snl oh i i agree and like there are the the problem with me for some of the tim and eric stuff and some of the ice poseidon stuff and now i haven't watched a lot of ice poseidon every now and then a clip comes up on reddit and at first i was like what's this and now i'm just like scroll through uh because i couldn't find the joke i couldn't find the it like a bad sn find the... Like, a bad SNL sketch, I go,

I get what they're trying to do, and they missed the mark. They're just failing. Right. But I can't... In some of those, I'm just like, what is the... What's the... In a sketch, it's called the game.

Like, what's the game here? I don't know what it is. Yeah, it's not comedy. It's not comedy at all. I mean, you might laugh at it sometimes, but I'm it is yeah it's not comedy it's not comedy at all i mean you might laugh at it sometimes but i'm not laughing because it's necessarily a joke or even a humorous situation i'm laughing because it's it's it's almost it's cringeworthy and sort of pathetic and odd and i'm laughing at the ridiculousness of it oh yeah it just said at the same time

it's it's absurd It's absurdity is worth the laugh most of the time. You know, like, just really stupid people. And, you know, the people around him are even worse. Because, like, Ice is playing a game to some extent. Like, he's making money. He's

earning a decent living doing this thing, right? But, like, a lot of the people around him are just bums. Some of them are literally homeless. They live in cars and vans and shit. It's pretty pathetic. Yeah, and by the way,

Chiz just said the comedian was Emily Hayden. I do not know her. I'm unaware. Yeah, I'm unaware. But there are also i mean there are plenty of comics who are doing their thing in la that i don't know um especially at the store because i'm not there all that often uh like like she seemed particularly terrible uh and a terrible person to me because like like as they were out on the sidewalk she's like she's like ah yeah i

have to go on stage but i don't have anything prepared it's like like i'm not in that world but i'm just like oh how dare you how dare yes yes kyle like i've agreed with you twice on one episode this is amazing record yeah it's like was the other one his favorite kind of porn hey if i recall you guys both agreed on quite a few aspects of this list and that's actually true that's true. There were a number of groups on that list. Not the homeless. No respect for the craft. No respect for the stage.

No respect for the other comics. No respect for the audience. No respect for anyone. And as soon as she said that, I was like, I hate you too. Or she did have something prepared and wanted to seem cool and that's even worse no she was like she was clearly like nervous about it she's like i don't know what i'm gonna do i don't have anything prepared it was a bringer show like she is she's an actress like her i guess he sent me her imdb there are a lot of like actors and actresses in la who like do stand up every so

often and so then they do these like you know not amateur nights but borderline amateur nights and like they'll have a couple of pros i've done a number of these shows where like they have two or three spots from professionals to make it tolerable and then all the rest is like let's bring an audience out you know let's bring all let's bring all martha's co-workers uh to the show and it's like a big bringers are a big scam did you see i don't i don't know if this girl is or not i don't yeah she's terrible did you see the video of the girl uh the female comic who i guess she believed that the reason she didn't get as many laughs was because she was a woman and so she puts on

she puts on the beard and she goes on as a man, and she still bombs, and then she's crying like a baby afterwards. I have not seen that video. I know Bonnie. It's Rich Moss' wife. Yeah, she did do the documentary that she did, The Women Aren't Funny, which, by the way, is a sarcastic title. Don't get excited about it, Kyle. No, prove the point. Oh, I think women are funny.

No, I think there are a lot of funny, really funny women um she's just not one of course there are yeah oh it's the funniest that's ever been taylor tomlinson who's she's a she's a beast she's so good um there are tons of funny women but uh i did not see that particular video of bonnie but that's also you know and again I don't know the context of it I don't know if she's like fucking around doing that if it's a joke or not she's crying a lot probably not when was this recorded?

pretty recently afterwards she's crying on the steps outside she's like I can't do this as a woman I can't do it as a man and just it was not good a little it was not yeah oh that's not good a little dose of like oh my god i wasn't getting less laughs because i was a woman i was actually getting some more laughs because i was a woman i don't get the sympathy laughs anymore was she not getting laughs because people are like is that is that McFarlane in a beard? No, that would make you laugh.

If it was a stupid beard. The jokes were bad. The jokes that I heard were just bad. They weren't even jokes, necessarily. I've seen her be very, very funny on stage. You know who's pretty funny? Maria Bamford.

She's so good. She's so good. She has a whole bit where she makes fun of like the hacky female comedians like doing the whole like my vagina my you know oh and i was on my period and i'm such a whore and it was like oh you just know that a couple of her like female friends who are comedians are there being like yeah what am i gonna close with yeah and what am i gonna open with in my whole middle like yeah and and there are also there are women who do jokes in that genre who are very clever about it as well like the problem for me and actually so let's get into the weeds on this

little bit so uh i believe that part of why people have that oh women aren't funny thing is there are producers who will just put a woman on to fill a quota on their show and they'll just put the first woman they know on it and that which everyone sucks when they start and then someone sees that but look i sucked when i started too and when people i know everyone in the fucking Reddit comments is still too. Just getting it out of the way before they do. So if someone sees me eat shit, they're not like, oh, men aren't funny. They're just like, that one, that guy isn't funny.

That guy right there isn't funny. Whereas if a woman has a bad set, they'll be like, oh, women aren't funny. Which is very unfair. if a woman has a bad set, they'll be like, oh, women aren't funny. Which is very unfair. Nobody on earth who's being intellectually honest is like, oh yeah, men and women? Equally funny. Walk into a group at a party, there's going to be as many funny women as there are funny. It's like, no, there's more pressure on men to be funny.

That's why every comedy show, even that women enjoy, has men on it. Because you need to develop that as a man. And some guys don't. And you know how not fun it is to hang out with the guys who aren't funny? It's the worst. As a comedian, you must be like, oh, Christ. You know, you'll, like, make a joke.

And they'll be like, actually, I read an article about this. And you're like, no, I didn't want to talk about it. Yeah. I wanted to make a joke. Just an offhanded joke. I was not serious there. You could tell by the intonation. No, you're right.

I agree. I agree. Whatever you're gonna say i agree yeah the other and the other aspect is the road is a dangerous fucking place and the road is where you develop and so i've had situations where i've been like i might die tonight here i can't even imagine what it's like for like especially like an attractive woman to have to go and get gas at 3 30 in the morning in a sketchy ass place like i have to do all the time when i'm on the road yeah but and but i've always thought that i think that the thing that breeds good comedians is a

terrible childhood in which they are being tortured and picked on relentlessly in school. Bingo. So my new book, Ginger Kid, discusses this. No, I'm kidding. Yes. No, we can go into that for sure. But I just feel like that situation, that forge that I think creates so many good comedians. You think Chris Farley had it easy growing up? I don't i think that man what had had learned to do what he did that that made us all love him as a defense mechanism right and i don't i just don't

think that girls uh as are as likely to be in those uh those those types of situations grow especially pretty girls comedy is a defense mechanism and like i used to do this thing i had this running joke when i would meet a new comedian i would be like what are you in for like what happened to you to make you a funny person what the fuck went wrong and so it actually i mean i was joking plugging the book but it is true like the book is basically about getting bullied a whole lot in high school and finding comedy as a way out yeah that was what saved me and so uh i i do i do agree with you that our society often forces guys to be funnier at an early age at an

earlier age but that said there are people like taylor thompson for instance who i referenced before you know i i mean her mother died really young and she was dealing with a lot of fucking trauma and she was overweight and that pushed her to be funny and now yeah like now like if you look at her and you see her you're like oh how's that pretty girl funny it's like well because she wasn't used to be fat have you oh can you imagine how terrible the next generation of comedians are going to be coming from the everybody gets a trophy, you're so special and smart. Is that not here already? I mean, that's like the new comedy kind of thing. Like, I don't know him.

And he is, no, I won't even say him because he's too clever to be involved in that. He seems like a genuine, like, Bo Burnham. He's never made me laugh once in my life uh i don't like musical comedians where they're like that reminds me of i think it's like oh christ like no just yeah i'm not interested in that but uh and that goes uh there's another guy uh who i used to follow on twitter because he was a maniac uh and he was always losing his shit on there and then he got banned, a fucking course Owen Benjamin, and he played I watched one of his stand-up

things and I'm like, honestly, you're funnier when you're losing your shit on Twitter over something instead of playing piano. Speaking of losing their shit, did you see Lisa Lampanelli a couple weeks ago? I did. Who apparently has gotten quite thin

especially compared to what she used to look like I liked her better big I didn't think it was a terrible look on her she looks a little odd now but she really lost it with the audience so I saw that clip and TMZ framed it as her having a meltdown

and I was like not really because she was still cracking jokes while it was happening yep and she was still getting some laughs while it was happening she definitely handled it in a way that i would not recommend uh and i know i've known lisa for a very long time and she's always just to catch me up i don't know so she some guy was being a real prick and she was like you know you want your money back was being a real prick, and she was like, you know, you want your money back? Get the fuck out of here.

And he was like, I'll give you the money for the show, which was weird. He gave her another $100, and so she ripped it up and threw it at him. If you'll shut the fuck up, which I thought, honestly, was one of the better things, was one of the most,

one of the best moves I've seen a heckler ever pull like like like i don't i'm sure maybe you would have a comeback to that maybe you'd take his money put it your pocket right like well thanks i'm not gonna shut the fuck up though yeah i would just i would just be like i don't know if you know how this works but like now i have it and i still have the microphone yeah yeah tips are accepted fuck you yeah so did i just get like a little bamboozled a bit and lost it she was she was yelling at the dude and then like some of the audience was trying to shout him down and she did this thing of like i don't need your help but instead of like i've had that happen where it's like look if it gets too out of control and so what i'll do is i'll look around

i go guys i got this and that's very different than saying, I don't need anyone's help. Which is, that's why I kind of, she was, I tried to turn the crowd against the heckler, and she was like arguing with the crowd. Yeah, I noticed that. So she had willing allies, and she was like, fuck you, I got it. Yeah, exactly. She said, she's like,

I've never needed your help in my life before, why would I need it now? It was like a woman who gets mad when you hold the door open for her. So she just kind of had a cunt down. And then she handled it. She handled it not very well. We'll watch it.

I thought you were saying that the way she handled her weight loss was bad. I'm like, is this like a men thing? There's nothing wrong with her. What she's done to her hair is an atrocity, but the weight loss is probably a good thing. Whenever Woody gets back, his dog is probably mauling someone to death, and so he's got

to handle that. We talked about pit bulls a lot. That's why I took a while, because my staff just kills everyone. It's killing someone right now. There's just a pile of dead birds outside your door every morning. Woody's got a Great Dane. I don't know how many Great Danes.

Two now, I think. He had one before. It was a fucking monster. I walked in his house and I'm like, hey, buddy, how's it going? He's just like... He had one of those stretchy muzzles, the soft muzzle. That lets the dog open his mouth like a half an inch and through that half inch he's just snarling and growling and what

he's holding him back like a like a fucking cerberus you didn't tell me this during the fucking pitbull argument well i wasn't gonna give you any ammunition do you know how arguments work i also got attacked by my dad's jack russell constantly growing up like come on i'm not gonna that argument's over it's scores posted all right before we watch this clip uh i will tell you the one there was there was a there was a time and this is one god i wish i had this on tape it would have this thing would have 100 million views if i had this on tape because there's this woman i was performing in this over justin bieber what 100 million views a lot i i know it is but listen to what happened this is this is 100 million view clip okay so i mean i've had clips

get 5 million views so 100 isn't that much more right so i guess i mean some of you guys like trump anyway so the uh so anyway it's toward the end of a show i've done everything but my closer and i say just you know something nice to the audience hey you know really appreciate you guys you know coming out here you know i love being able to do this for a living and this one woman who had been an asshole the whole night she had just been kind of chatty like not enough for me to really call her out but enough for me to be like hey can you calm down a little you know and so she goes oh stand-up comedy isn't that hard and at that point i was like this woman dies so, I was like, you don't think that this is difficult? And she's like, no.

And so I was like, all right, this entitled asshole. So I go, OK, tell you what. And there's a rule, like never invite anyone on stage. Like because then you are equalizing the playing field. But I was like, I've got my closer left. And I said to her, I go, OK, how about this? You come up here. You do five minutes. up here you do five minutes

then I'll do five minutes we'll see who does better we'll see how hard this is so she starts walking towards the stage I go no no no no no let's make a bet hundred dollars and like thank god I had an actual hundred dollar bill in my wallet because that was so much more intimidating than being like

how many tens so I took a $100 bill out. I will bet you $61. And this MetroCard, which had $35 more on it, that's almost $100. So I

took the $100 bill out and she keeps walking to the stage. I go, no, no, no, no, no. Put your money on the table right now. I'm serious about this. Put $100 bill out, and she keeps walking to the stage. I go, no, no, no, no, no. Put your money on the table right now. I'm serious about this. Put $100 down on the table right now. And so she stops, and she goes, well, and I was like, so you don't want to take this bet? And she goes, well, you know, things have been tough lately.

And I go, oh, okay. So not only are you not good enough at my job to make a hundred dollars you're not good enough at your job to make a hundred dollars and the place went i mean fucking bananas and it was a very like she it was she tried to show me up like this guy did to lisa and so what i did is i put her in a position where she couldn't possibly win she happened to walk into it. The fact that she's like, I don't have any money. That made it better.

Is this like a young, drunk broad or like an old woman? It's probably late 40s, early 50s. Oh, okay. Bitter at the world. Maybe didn't have kids. Yeah. Oh, no. She had kids that ignore her.

Almost as bad. And kids. Dumpster womb. Old dry overs. Dumpster womb. I love that one. I use that one any chance I get. That's a Jim Norton one from ONA. He's always called the bitchy female callers dumpster womb.

I love it. Did you get any influence or inspiration from shows like that? Like when you were coming up more? ONA? Definitely not ONA. The ONA people fucking hate me. Why? from shows like that like when you were you know coming up more ona like ona that kind of stuff the ona people fucking hate me like they uh i mean probably the same reason why some of your listeners hate me oh the forehead i thought i thought when you said people you were meaning

like ant or opie or jimmy or patrice like back in the day like no they they were fine and i always got along fine uh Jim and I still get along fine you know I don't know him well but you know every time I've seen him he's been nothing but cordial friend of mine opens for him a lot um but yeah I don't know I mean I mean the guys who those are the same people who booed Bill Burr and booed Dom and booed you know that I mean that famous clip from Bill Burr in Philly. Like, that was their fan base. So you can imagine that.

And Bill Burr won them back, though. Well, he did, but the way he won them back was by being meaner to them than anyone had ever been. Or maybe they were like, we like him. He's like our dad. So, but not those shows necessarily. I i mean i got most of my influence from stand-up comics from i watched comedy at a very young age and listen to comedy

my dad had like comedy records he would play me so like i was listening to george carlin when i was like six years old so uh that that's kind of where my influence came from. I guess I listened to Stern a decent amount. I was, you know, I'm a New Yorker. So I listened to Stern. It was always so weird though because a buddy of mine was really into Stern and always wanted to listen to it

when we were on the road together. And he would, I was like, I like Stern, but I don't want to listen to porn with you in the car. Like the parts where they're like just listening to a girl masturbate. I'm like, what are we supposed to do right now? Like we're just sitting in the car like the parts where they're like just listening to a girl masturbate i'm like what are we supposed to do right now like we're just sitting in the car listening to a girl masturbate together this is getting weird i i like when they have the whack pack on more i like beetle juice i like the retarded people i like the the people with the weird fetishes like

want to get vomited on by by ladies and then the debauchery of bribing a normal woman to come in and do the vomiting. I'm a big fan of that. Of course. You search for reluctant in the show's history. Yeah. Find it. You want to watch this clip of Lisa Lampanelli losing her fucking shit here, Woody?

We were discussing it a bit. Yep. Are you ready? Yes. Well, let's make sure everyone is. Hold on a second. I've got to get it lined up. I'm good. Alright. I'm ready. Ready, set, play. She's yelling at Chiz. I bet she's got more loose skin than a bloodhound.

It's weird there are bouncers and they're doing nothing. Nobody looks to be having fun. Yeah. Yeah, now she's yelling at the stage hand, and that's a bad move. Yeah, that makes you look like an elitist prick. That's not quite yelling as much as it is screeching with fury. Yeah. Having the

index finger pointed out, not a good look. Now she's mad at the rest of the audience It's like I can't even be on your team Yeah, see she's still getting laughs yeah see she's still getting laughs more like laughing at no the stevie nicks joke got people genuinely laughing

yeah bum bum bum now people because someone asked me about this in my sub and you know basically be like hey you know you deal with hecklers like what like what do you think about her you know having this meltdown and aside from the fact i talked about before that you know i don't think it was a meltdown it's also i want to know what led to this this was not the start of

the show this was not like the guy didn't just stand up and she was like get the fuck out of my shit like that's this had to be very very bad to lead to that and like that's yeah or something was going on with her personally where it just took like a hair trigger or something maybe he said something before this started that resonated with her about something else going on in her life who knows yeah it could have she said about it anything about it i don't know um but the idea that like you don't come into a clip like that like someone doesn't just start recording as it happens. Like usually it's like, oh, shit's going down. Let me get my phone out.

Let me unlock it. Let me turn it to video and then let me start recording. So we're missing we're missing some stuff on this. Like no one and no one goes from zero to 60 that quickly. I will say that like there are situations like there was a situation where chapelle walked off stage during a show and that happened because he couldn't get a word in brewer did that once where you know brewer is like the calmest chillest dude and there was a show where everybody was just yelling it was a college show i think where everybody was just

yelling for him to do goat boy and finally he was like if you keep yelling that i'm gonna leave and they did and he was like okay goodbye because there is no winning with a crowd that's not listening yeah you can't college kids have to be the worst to perform in front of it's i've had good and bad experiences i actually disagree with a lot of the whole like oh college students are too pc to perform in front of like look i mean kyle's act wouldn't work but it's uh not even an expression from him he's just kind of like yeah all right keep going oh i know it wouldn't work they would not like they would not like the horrible things that i say you think they would let us do a live pka at berkeley or something like no no they wouldn't let you do a live PKA at Oklahoma state. I like,

I've done college. Like I did this college once. I, uh, it's a LaSalle and LaSalle in Philly. And I've done it. I think I did it like four years in a row and, uh,

I was doing it and it's a really shit neighborhood in Philly. And so I start out the show by just making fun of how bad the neighborhood is and how the campus is like gated in. And it's a really shit neighborhood in philly and so i start out the show by just making fun of how bad the neighborhood is and how the campus is like gated in and it's like yeah that's really safe because that way like if you're being chased by an attacker you have no way to leave and like make i was making fun of that a lot and this girl leaves because her twitter is time stamped it's four minutes into my show and i taped the show i'm like what did I say at this point? And I watched the tape. All I said was make it fun of the neighborhood. And she goes on this Twitter rant about how racist I am.

And I'm like, I never said anything about race. Yeah, you were supposed to infer that. No, in her head. Because in her head, she was like, he must mean black people. Because she's fucking racist. In her PC way, she's racist. Yeah. I was talking about the crime of the neighborhood which by the way is committed by more than one race like it is like it's also mixed people it's yeah it's very dangerous according they just need better owners

so yeah oh my god so don't give kyle any ideas so if uh but anyway the point is that she like goes off about how racist i was meanwhile she misses the part where i talk about how i'm from a mixed family how i have a black sister where i do 10 minutes about how i don't like racism because she leaves four minutes in and starts tweeting this bullshit and she is tweeting at student activities at the people who pay my check being like you shouldn't pay him never have him again all this other garbage and like that does happen but the rest of lasalle like i started retweeting what she was saying and responding to it and everybody else was chiming in calling her an idiot so i don't think it's college campuses are too pc i think if your jokes come from a place of compassion

and you're not punching down then like you'll be fine yeah a lot of it also has to do with how media with an agenda will capitalize on that so if you said something that say uh buzzfeed or some other publication just i picked a random one out there didn't like like if you they were like this hofstetter guy i don't like him he's good. And then they saw that one Twitter thread from that one maniac while everybody else is laughing their ass off. They just say, LaSalle University students upset or angered at comedians' bigotry. And now it's a story. Now it must have happened.

It wasn't just that one lady. It must have been a high percentage of them. And then you rewatch it, and it's like, no, everybody's laughing. Do you know that Tosh never said the quote that's laughing do you know that that tosh never said the quote that they attributed to him during that rape joke thing what i heard that attributed quote uh i forget exactly what the quote was where it was like what if you got raped by like five guys right now right yeah it wouldn't that be funny yeah he said there was like a whole lot in between he said something different which in the context look it wasn't nice but it wasn't what

they were quoting they quoted her blog where she said what he said as if that's what he said yeah um not only that but they stayed through the next comedian her whole blog where they wrote this whole thing about how we got up and left and as we left fuck off you were sitting seated watching the next comedian like i know the staff there like and it's corroborated by everyone there so we actually thought we found the tape of it because because i used to uh run a film and tv at the laugh factory and we thought we found the tape of it and someone had fucking deleted the video like we found something that was labeled that day and tosh and we're like oh my god this is the holy grail i'm like no we didn't have to take but anyway the point is that like what he said

was inappropriate what he said was not good but it wasn't nearly as bad and a lot of media just quoted her quote of him saying daniel tosh said it's like no she said he said what if he did i'm a big i'm a big fan of free speech. Say what the fuck you want. It's fine. Free speech is not speech without repercussion. It's not saying he should be arrested for it. If they want to walk out, if people want to not buy tickets,

that's also free speech. One of my favorite comedians is Mel Gibson. I don't know if you've heard his phone messages. They're hilarious. He rivals the Jerky Boys. I'm telling you. Dude, his phone messages are the funniest things I've ever listened to on YouTube a hundred times. When he

demands, in fury, you can hear the spittle coming out of his mouth. He's so just consumed by rage. When he's, oh, you were supposed to blow me before the jacuzzi. And it was like, like oh that's so relatable it's a great you get raped by a pack of niggers he's so angry he is you wear those where there's

fucking pants so tight you can see your pussy he's just so mad and she of course knows she's recording him so she's like why are you being this way what why don't you calm down you need medication like you cunt don't tell me to calm down you bitch i just so angry that once too i had a landlord that refused to give me back my security deposit just cause like he just kept twenty five hundred dollars and he was saying he was like oh well you know i mean the the the downstairs was ruined from a leak i was like from the upstairs neighbor you know that like he was any excuse well there were holes in the wall i was like fucking picture frame holes here's $200 fuck off and so but i knew he was like really racist and unhinged so like while i was talking

him on the phone i just got him talking about people and then he started doing oh there's conspiracy from the chinese and he just goes off and i have like 20 minutes of him just ranting this awful shit because i was like if that is if this ever goes to court and i need to prove character yeah like you'd be like you know what else i i like i like black people do Do you? Well, tell me all about it. Yeah, basically that's what I was doing. What do you think about this whole Charleston thing? Yeah. Charlottesville?

Charlottesville. Was it Charlottesville? Yeah, that's what I meant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, Charlottesville? I was like, I have a show with you soon. What do you mean? I must have watched an hour worth of videos That's what I meant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, Charleston, I was like, I have a show with you soon. What do you mean? The candy?

I must have watched an hour worth of videos trying to prove that the whole thing was the I can't remember the guy's name who drove into the crowd, but there are so many videos trying to prove that he didn't drive into that crowd, that that was a false flag. And look, I believe that that guy crashed in the crowd. Let me preface this, what's about to happen with that. However, if you start watching those videos, there's a lot of video evidence that's weird, right? The car looks different at different points in time.

Also, like the... Hang on, just stick with me here. The title... Just find the video he's talking about. I'm reminded of the time you and Taylor both said that the pedophile ring out of Comet Pizza was true I literally we both made fun

of that roundly absolutely you said the emails are very weirdly formatted when they said order the sausage that doesn't mean somebody's getting raped in a pizza place basement.

I hope that someone who's watching this plays it back. You know damn well that no one believes in pineapple on pizza. So if someone orders a pineapple pizza, that means kid rape. You know that. I stand corrected. There was very weird phrasing, and that's what we said.

We said this phrasing is weird. It's very odd, the way they phrased it. It doesn't mean it's a pedophile cabal yeah absolutely and by the same regard what i'm about to say i'm not suggesting that guy didn't in fact crash into that group of people however like the title for his vehicle doesn't match what the it's it says it has a sunroof in the car and the video doesn't have a sunroof is this confirmed there's just some youtube guy i mean there's a picture of the title with his name and his address and everything on it.

And they keep showing the video back and forth a few times. And some of it's just ridiculous evidence. They're like, look at this person. He's not even moving. Why is he not moving? But then they show the car from a bunch of angles. And at one point, the bumper's hanging off. And then later on, the bumper's not hanging off as much.

I don't know. I watched a bunch of those videos, and if you watch enough of them, you can almost be convinced. Well, why would those videos not be edited? Like, the idea that people are saying, like, oh, there's a false flag, this car was manipulated by the news. It's like, so you're saying that video edits could be edited? Oh, they're not saying that. The conspiracy theory is that someone else was driving that car and did that to frame this guy and create sort of a social movement.

Which, okay, if you hit someone next to another person you can frame that guy. Two cars next to each other. Like, cars are big. Well, they're saying he wasn't even there and that that that someone crashed into the crowd with a car that looked like his and then they blamed him oh yeah that's i mean like i see they also point out a lot that the car never did even hit the girl

that died because it didn't she got a heart attack yeah my heart attack my biggest theory from about to being hit by a car. My biggest theory of any of this stuff is like the simplest explanation is always the explanation. Oh, for sure. Like the Gulf of Aachen or the Lusitania. Well, yeah, but that is the simplest explanation.

Not at the time, though. If you would have said that, people would be like, what? You think they staged this whole thing? That's the difficult thing. It seems like Occam's razor is right pretty much every time, though. If you would have said that, people would have been like, what, you think they staged this whole thing? That's the difficult thing. Because it seems like Occam's razor is right pretty much every time. But then when something like Lusitania or whatever comes out, then you go, well, but yeah, okay. But the Lusitania was the simplest thing because they didn't stage an attack.

What they did was they were told, if you come here, we're going to get attacked. And they were like, well, then let's let the ship go. By the way, Woody looks really interested in this conversation it's not your fault i normally i have like lots of coffee before the podcast which is like a podcast performing the handsome drug but i have to get to bed early tonight because i'm leaving early tomorrow morning and i didn't have my coffee and i suck coffee would be we got to put an asterisk next to your podcast performances. Exactly.

Coffee or no coffee? I apologize. Yeah, but Occam's Razor. Oh, there's another thing that came up. Another one of those that I love. So Dunning-Kruger. So Dunning-Kruger is one of my favorite things for those not in the know. It basically means the dumber you are, the smarter you think you are.

And also it means, they did this test also, the less funny you are, the funnier you think you are. Like basically you don't have. Explains women. Comes full circle. Oh, God. You don't have the ability to judge accurately because you don't have those skills and so there's this dude who posted a thing on uh on one of my facebook videos like calling you know i think it was like you're a idiot and it also used the wrong you're you're an idiot and

so i just replied and i was like excellent use of dunning kruger like what a great example and he got so mad and was like i can't believe you would attack how i look and i was like hey man you should probably google what dunning and he goes you called me a dunning kruger like it's the name of like some ugly guy. He thought that you were calling him Freddy Kruger. Oh, that's probably right. Oh, he was kind of cut up, you know. I hope he was. I'll have you know there's good movies.

He did nothing wrong. Freddy Kruger's a pedophile on those movies. Oh yeah, he is. Yeah, see he got all burnt up because all the parents banded together, tracked him down to the place he was staying at, burnt the whole place down around him. That's why he wore the Mr. Rogers sweater to try and lull the kids in.

I never thought of it that way. Yeah. I'll come back to him being a rave. And kids love hand knives. Oh, that was his fetish. Yeah, that makes sense I'm gonna put that on our list too I've got one like that but it's cocks on all the fingers

we got really far down into this list penis hands pedophiles holy shit Taylor good point what about people who appointed burrito ingredients alright I assume

pedophiles is a subset of people who point at burrito ingredients. Look, pedophilia is just Not all pedophiles point at burrito ingredients but all people who point at burrito ingredients are pedophiles. Wear rhombus, my friend. 100%. Have you seen the pedophilia

gender symbol? What? No. Is there one it looks to me like an omega on top of a smaller omega uh jesus yeah right fuck yeah uh chis pull up pedophile insignias there There was a Law and Order episode where they were like trying to argue that pedophilia is like, well you're born that way just like being gay. And I do believe that no one chooses to be a pedophile.

I do believe something is fucking wrong in your head. That's fair. But the same way that like I think that most people don't choose to be murderers. I think that if you're a cold-blooded killer, that's because you don't have the same empathy that other people have. Like sociopathy, what is it called, is a real thing. Yes, but here's my thoughts on this.

I don't think there are very many people who are sitting around like I don't want to kill, but God, I just want to kill. I'm just sweating right now. Everything in me is driving me to kill but i can't kill don't kill don't kill today i see him he's like peering through the the window shade at the mailman don't kill him don't kill him whereas i think there are definitely pedophiles who are like the school bus is fucking coming by right they hear it or the ice cream truck is showing up and they know all the neighborhood kids are running up to it and they're just like he gets instantly rock hard he's like don't go to the window don't go to the window just just crank one out real quick while watching bobby's world and and go about your day

fucking all right let's get some home improvement marathons oh jonathan taylor thomas you are a sexy motherfucker just just get it out and you'll be good to go. I think those guys actually exist. I think, first of all, let me get both parts of this out. I think that pedophiles are born that way, they can't help it, and it's a disease.

Just like if you were born with AIDS and you can't help that your immune system doesn't fucking work, if you're born a pedophile, you can't help that you are powerfully attracted to work. If you're born a pedophile, you can't help that you are powerfully attracted to children. However, they should all be put to death. Bravo, sir. I mean, making a lot of strong points.

Yeah. Except that last week he made the point that sometimes these kids want it. Sometimes these kids do want it. So you think that in that case, some of the pedophiles are providing an important public service. Well, we have no way of getting the ones who want it

to... Oh, well, all we need is... What's younger than Tinder, right? Like Sapling. Kindling. Kindling, yeah. Kindling, oh my god. Yeah, kindling. The dating... We're gonna make billions, Jerry! Billions! Gold, Jerry! Gold! Kindling? Oh my god. Yeah, kindling. The dating app. We can say there's splashing off this game. We're gonna make billions, Jerry! Billions!

Gold, Jerry! Gold! It's, uh, twig. Yeah. We get the minors who are looking for an older fella in their life, you know? And, uh, attached with these creepy motherfuckers who were just born that way.

It's a million dollar idea. Isn't that a Lady Gaga song? Born this way? It was about pedophilia, actually. I actually had an idea for a dating app where it's people like, because there are a lot of women who love dogs, and there are a lot of guys who have dogs just to get women.

And so, I think there should be an app where those two can match, and it'd be called Boner. Boner? Right? I think a lot of women are not going to sign up. Yeah, you can't have too many vowels. It needs to be hip.

Yeah, it needs to be hip. If there are thousands of pictures of dogs, I think a lot of women will sign up, regardless of the name. There was nothing more annoying on Tinder than seeing the, if I swiped right, I probably did lot of women will sign up, regardless of the name. There was nothing more annoying on Tinder than seeing the, if I swiped right, I probably did so for your dog. Tee hee. If a woman prefers puppies, is she a

puppyphile? She's probably not having sex with the puppies. Well, look, some of those puppies want it. Yeah. Probably not. These dirty whores, they want it too. Are these made- up symbols that you linked chis these these uh pedophile symbols or is this real like he made them up right so no i know he

didn't throw together a graphic but is there like a club out there or like if i saw a dude with this like triangle in a like smaller triangle pyramid shape but i'd be like oh that's a pedophile that's a guy who wants to rape little boys. I'm crying laughing at the idea that you were like, let's get some pedophile symbols, and then Chiz just went into Photoshop and was like, move this triangle onto that triangle. We have to come up with a

chyron for this immediately. I mean, Chiz is quick with the graphics, so you can't put it past him. I don't know how much we've talked about Nambla. I've never seen Chiz, fucking adult woman. so you can't put it past him I don't know how much we've talked about Nambla I've never seen Chiz fucking adult woman have you not in person I've actually never seen any of you fucking adult woman

well you might have me and Kyle have watched each other fucking adult woman so we're covered and I have proof in the form of children we don't know that those are kids all we know is that you have children we don't know that those are created children all we know is that you have children we didn't see the procreation at any stage i know that children are a false flag you could have stolen those children there might be some pictures out there your wife could be the beard

for you being a pedophile that's true it's That's true. What other, jumping around here, but what other false flag shit has been proven to be true? Oh, I mean, Sandy Hook. Sandy Hook is... Yep, yep, those crisis actors. Now, you say that jokingly. In entire sincerity, I tell you, they did not die there. These are a bunch of... One of them was the purple Teletubby.

Can I also just say this? This is just another job for him. These are a bunch of... One of them was the purple Teletubby. Can I also just say this? As someone who has had to hire child actors for television, it is really fucking hard to find a good child actor. Right. It took me three weeks to find someone who could do

one line without sounding wooden. Like, how the fuck... What? How old were the kids you were hiring? You're very quiet, Taylor. I've worked with five years old to 14. And

the idea of finding, like, an actual good child actor, that is a rare fucking thing. And so, the premise of, like, the people, oh, being ripped from their families, like this this yeah oh they're all who is it uh coulter i think ann coulter said they were all crisis actors did she and it was like

alex jones you're not thinking about no i think ann coulter said that uh i'm not talking about sandy hook i'm talking about the uh uh the immigration uh camps that just oh and so like two days later they were interviewing kids on the news and all these kids were like crying and etc and the idea of like yeah okay so in two days but these are mexican kids they lie about their age all you gotta do is little league world series look look it's not like they were like these are all 18 year old short stops it's not like they were delivering... These are all 18-year-old shortstops. It's not like they were delivering lines, though, right? I can make kids cry. Believe me, you.

You give me a room full of kids, I'll have them all crying their fucking eyes out. Tell me about how you feel. Step one, separate them from their parents. Put them in a cage. That's the perfect way to make them cry. Dehumanize them. Hit them with a water cannon a little yeah the crisis actors no carnitas for you little one that's an even more specific one has where is a time where crisis actors have actually been

employed has that ever happened for real same peppers videos not not crisis actors but uh they found that that dude with the Blacks for Trump sign that was always at Trump's rallies was hired. Hmm. Proof? Source? Dogbite.com? They interviewed the guy. Dogbite.org, Woody.

I could have to find it again. It's not like I came into this podcast thinking that we'd talk about that, and I have the proof before. I also have another. I've got pitbulls suck dot biz yeah that's oh yeah you know what that one i made fun of the others but that's actually that one's a good one but uh crying people like legit crisis actor i'm gonna look that up when is it actually i don't know of any i got because people sometimes come at me and they're like oh your heckler clips are fake and i'm like tell me how

tell me the logistics of how that would work you put a friend in there who heckles you and then sheepishly loses okay i have uh okay no friends poked a hole in that theory and i have no friends 150 of them from all over the world including college students who went to that school Okay, no friends. Poked a hole in that theory. Yeah, and I have no friends. 150 of them from all over the world, including college students who went to that school. Okay, I hear you. Including people of all ages, races, ethnicities from all over the world. Every one of them to this day still kept the secret? Yeah, every one of them kept the secret. The casting notices don't exist.

And the sheer finance of it. And by the way, let's say them kept the secret. The casting notices don't exist. And the sheer finance of it. And by the way, let's say it's all true. So people are saying, hey, you're not that good of a comedian. Instead, you're a fantastic actor and writer. Like, how is that? Because that's what I would have to be. And by the way, not a very good actor. Really?

I make fun of these kids for being wooden. I'm not much better. Yeah. Yeah? I make fun of these kids for being wooden? I'm not much better. Yeah. Yeah. I could see that. Yeah, exactly. The idea of like planning someone out of college three years earlier. By the way, Kyle,

I love how much you're laughing. I love like how much you're smiling. You're like, yeah, I just told Steve he sucks. That was meant to intimate to you that I was just kidding, bro. That's like the ha ha you add on to the end of a mean text yeah exactly the uh yeah that that's the the the crying face you say

something a little rude i hope your kids are still born ha ha yeah do you guys it's comedies no homo It's comedies, no homo. We're teasing. No, serious. My favorite, there are like these old... My grandmother used to tell me about these old European curses that you would like, it sounds like a compliment, but you're actually saying something awful to somebody, and I fucking love them.

Well, later back, compliments, what's a good one? Like there was one, okay, in Jewish tradition... You're pretty for a fat girl. No, way better. So in Jewish tradition, like in Orthodox Jewish tradition, when a woman gets married, she covers her hair. And so,

it is, I hope your daughter's hair gets admired into old age. So it's shit like that, where you just have to be like, hey, thank you. Aww. Any other Jewish ones we should be on the lookout for? That's the only Jewish one I know.

The other one is may your children grow like onions. And what that's supposed to mean is with their head in the ground and their feet in the air. So it's basically like, may your kids die young. Yeah. Wow. I was like, do they have layers? I don't get it. head in the ground their feet in the air so it's basically like make your kids die young yeah wow that's the one yeah i was like do they have layers i don't get it yeah you peel them back and find out what's inside ogres

i'm just gonna cut them up while you cry i don't know yeah that's not very uplifting either no i don't like that you're a bit of vindictive people. Yeah, we are. Well, we've been through some shit. I wonder why. You know, who hasn't? Yeah, let's go. I have an English surname. Think about all we've suffered. I mean, they were slaves of Egypt. Even though that didn't ever happen.

But that book says it did. That's... We've had to watch... My entire life. At one point we ruled the entire globe and now we don't. That's hard to deal with. You gotta admit, that's like what Bill Cosby's going through right now.

That's a good line. I like that. Thank you. Bill Cosby is like the English empire of comedy. Do we need a whole new topic? I have one. If they could be upscaled to be relatively the same size, which animal would be the deadliest

if pitted in a 1v1 deathmatch blood dome style? Right? So right now, obviously, a bear could beat, say, a scorpion because it's gigantic and scorpions are tiny. But if you were to level the playing field via weight and size, what would be the deadliest animal? An ant. Well, if you made the ant larger, though, it couldn't survive because of the oxygen. They absorb oxygen through the skin because of the surface area.

There's not enough oxygen concentration in the air to maintain them. Well, actually, I've ran the numbers. I mean, if we're going to hypothetically have some sort of super-oxygenated chamber in which they do battle... I'm not sure ants have enough offensive weapons. I could be wrong. Maybe I'm not appreciating them. Why would you stop at the ant?

They would pick them up and just hurl them. Why would you stop at the ant? What's that thing that can survive in space or lava? Tardigrades? Is that what it is? Those space bears? I have no idea. I don't know, but that sounds like such a great insult. Tardigrade? Tardigrade, yeah.

I think that's a real, like, you could go to, like, some microscopic animal and make it enormous, as long as it's a normal animal. Tardigrade is an A, because that's how much of a... But a tardigrade, for example, might be too dumb to attack well right like i feel like a clever animal like a little shucks a human for example might beat a tardigrade quite easily because it's slow and doesn't move and it's just a amoeba blob i don't know very much about tardigrade see if i gave off the illusion that I do, then you're incorrect. Yeah, they're called water bears, right?

Yeah. Those things that are like, I don't know, they're always listing all the things that don't kill it or the environments that it can survive. And it seems like a very hardy creature, but I don't know if it can do battle. Yeah, it's like you can survive in space temperatures. It can survive in lava. But can it take a punch? And that's what it's going to have to do against... What about, I mean, what about a snake then? Oh,? And that's what it's going to have to do against...

I mean, what about a snake, then? Oh, a snake that's our size is going to fuck us up. Yeah, you would think so. I mean, anacondas are already, like, fucking gargantuan. We've seen those videos before of the children being cut out of the anaconda bellies. It's insane. If you take away the weighted vanes, humans don't do that well. I've argued on the show many times that I can take out, like, various birds.

But that's because they weigh 14 pounds, not because humans are better fitted for combat. Yeah. So, yeah. That's why we made weapons. We're not the pound-for-pound champs of this thing. No, we're not even close. Right. You know, you want to say tiger or something because you think of them as being so badass.

But that's also because they're so big. Scale up a – what is the thing that just don't care? Wolverines? No, honey badgers. Honey badgers is what I'm going for. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah.

Scale up a honey badger and they could maybe beat a tiger. Yeah. Yeah, maybe so. I don't know. The tiger just has tools, right? With the claws and the teeth. Those teeth are very long. And they seem to be really agile, right? I see them jumping crazy heights.

Twice their body length. Straight up in the air to grab meat. Those things are just equipped to kill. I notice none of you have said pit bull. they're not that tough point taken uh you're right i've been defeated i thought immediately all of you guys are gonna be like well now that you mentioned it actually pitbulls would probably win no no they wouldn't they'd make it out of the first round what about that they wouldn't win oh yeah they're Look, they're not a 16 seed. No.

They're maybe like a 10 seed. They're like a mid-eager. Up there, any kind of insect would be... Actually, there are probably no regular animals. It would all be insects beating the shit out of each other. That's what I think, too. I think the insects, when scaled to the large size, would... I agree.

...fuck us up. I like exoskeletons in battle dude what about some of those giant hornets and stuff like that imagine a hornet the size of us how terrifying would that like its stinger would be like this fucking long or something like that like enough to like almost pierce your entire body it's just overkill at this point faster than you can even imagine. And it flies. A spider? It's creating sonic booms flying through the air. I think the hornet is scarier than the spider personally. Yeah. Because it also can fly.

Yeah, because it can fly. And it has like... It has dual weapons. Whereas the spider really just bites. But the hornet has a really powerful bite and the the crazy long stinger like i've caught hornets before uh and you can see the stinger like rapidly like coming out they're so long it's it's it's terrifying i still want to know how deep into this my uh honey badger

gets because i i think it's resistant to like cobra venom and such and you it's resistant to regular size cobras and their bites well i mean that's true but we're scaling him up he's going to be but specifically snake venom and and and i i feel like perhaps hornet uh poisoned poison um because it's not venom because they're not injecting it with a bite, I think. No, it is venom, because they're injecting it. Poison is if you eat something and it kills you, it's poisonous. If something bites you, you're dead. I think there was one kid in my neighborhood that could go like two, three rounds.

Oh, yeah? Was he a bully? Yeah. I don't like wasps. You should write him a thank you letter for getting you to write that book. Yeah. All those wasps are scary as fuck. I don't like You should write him a thank you letter for getting you to write that book Yeah Scary as fuck That's one of the things I hate the most

Is anything that flies with a stinger Bees aren't that bad I've been stung by bees I got stung by a bee last year And over time I guess de-emphasized how much a bee sting hurts I thought adult me wouldn't give a shit You know

No I was very aware and didn't like it at all I guess de-emphasized how much a bee sting hurts. I thought, you know, like, oh, well, adult me wouldn't give a shit. You know, like, no. I was very aware and didn't like it at all. Were you positive that it was a bee and not a wasp? Yes. Because last year we had an issue, this year we don't, with bees by the pool. And I was getting out of the ladder, and I guess I grabbed it, and he stung me. What kind of bee? Like a bumblebee?

One of the big ones? Oh, wait, not a honeybee. Those don't hurt very bad. I don't really know my bees. Like a sweat bee? There's only like two kinds. Like a pool bee. Bumblebees are the ones with the giant yellow and black stripes.

Also called carpenter bees. They're the ones that burrow into wood. Oh wait, carpenter bees are huge, right? I've never been stung by a bee. I thought they didn't bother people they they can sting if they feel attacked they will i have been so brave around carpenter bees secure in the knowledge that they didn't bother people at all i swat them away have you not gotten i've yet? I don't know. I've actually squatted bees away a bunch. Yeah. I've not gotten stung, but I don't know if they were carpenter bees.

They're big, right? Carpenter bees? They're really big and fat. Yeah. I tell my family, oh, those are the safe kind. Don't worry. They're vulnerable bees. We call them those are the safe kind.

Woody, you've been unwittingly spreading bee propaganda. I had no idea. You actually created beebite.org. Yeah, beebite.org. People say bumblebees can sting. They're all liars. Listen to me. Yellow Jackets are the real problem.

They are. I've never been stung by a bumblebee. Are you calling me a liar? It must have been a bumblebee. I don't know. Because it was a smaller one. Yeah, false flag. I just looked up bumblebee on Wikipedia

and there's just too much information I'm leaving. Like the bumblebee man from The Simpsons? Oh, the Mexican guy? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's funny. Man, I haven't watched that show in literally a decade like i don't think i've seen a second i got to see i got to see uh i got to go to uh two table reads of it oh that's cool and it's oh it's amazing because it's only it's basically the writers the cast

and then like everybody gets one guest so it's like 30 people and you know just just sitting around the outside of the room while while the while the writers and the cast are at the table and it was better than any play i've ever seen like the the acting it was not just because a regular table read is like you act a little bit but like no they were doing the voices straight up hank azaria was talking to himself in different characters like there was a scene where two of his characters had to go back and forth and that was just incredible to watch and i will tell you i laughed in that room so many times we laughed at almost every joke on on those pages and like yet when i watched the episode i'm just kind of like yeah it's pretty good huh it's very weird. In person, it was incredible.

I wonder if they showed that just once, like how that would go. Would it ruin the magic or would people love it? I don't know. Being part of it, I think being in there was part of the excitement of it. But like, I don't know if it would translate to the screen or not. But it was still, it was such a cool experience. That's neat. Yeah, we get to keep a script.

Actually, I have it over here. I have the signed script right there. Nice. Oh, that's really cool. I made a bit of a social media mistake. When it happened, I get the script, and if you're a guest, you have a Post-it on it with your name on the script. And I just took a picture of it,

and I put it on my various social media, and I just go, this is going to be a cool day. And then they make you shut your phones off, and I turn my phone on afterward, and I had over 500 comments from people being like, oh my god, you're on The Simpsons? And like, I still get, I was like, no, I'm just watching it.

I still get people introducing me at shows sometimes, being like, you've seen him on The Simpsons and like i still get i was like no i'm just watching it i still get people introducing me at shows sometimes being like you've seen him on the simpsons oh man i just someone gave me a script and they wrote my name on a post-it like that who was who were you a guest of uh michael price all right good i just wanted to make sure it wasn't nancy cartwright you know she's a scientologist uh i do have you have you seen the clip uh no she plays a march no bart yeah bart yeah she's bart yeah have you seen or heard rather the the the clip of her as bart pitching scientology yes and it's also like i saying so i've now met her three times because once she was at like this college conference i went to

where it's like you know a lot of comedians perform and then various celebrities like sign stuff and so she like signed a thing for me and so then when i met her at one of the table reads you know you get to go up to them afterward and i went over to her and i was like hey i just wanted to say thanks you know you were real nice to me at this college thing way back when. And she was kind of like, uh-huh. You know, just like totally didn't give a shit. And I'm like, I'm one of only 30 people here. Like, come on.

I'm the only person talking to you right now. And then on the last time I was there, like, I was getting everybody. The first time I was there, I didn't get anyone to sign the script because I was like too. I was just talking to Hank Azaria and I was too excited about that. And then so this time I was like running around trying to get everybody to sign it and she did not want to have any part of that. Well, what a cunt. She signed it, but in a very like ugh kind of way.

And I'm like, this is part of the experience for people. Like this is... That's the tricky thing. And I'm sure everyone here has been in this. Like sometimes you're in an environment and you get like one chance to impress someone you don't you're not the best version of you and now that reputation for being a cunt goes broadcasted but this wasn't one time that's true yeah this was

multiple times and she also uses bart simpson to try to convert people to Scientology. Yeah. So there's that, too. Nobody's pregnant. She probably takes coffee before the show, too. Yeah, I don't know if she's a bad person or not. I'm not willing to throw a C-word at her. I was saying my particular experience. The C-word's not that high an obstacle here on the show. No, I know.

I know. This is in England. I've got to be careful. No. here on the show no i know i know this isn't england i gotta be careful no so the uh like all you have to do to be a celebrity to be labeled a nice person is to not be a dick like if you're like just a regular person everybody's like oh they're the nicest person because they like that's how it works they Very weird. Yeah. Yeah, it seems like so many stories when people are like, oh, yeah, I met this celebrity.

I said hi, and he said hi back. Really cool dude. And it's like, oh, so did you talk? No. Yeah. That's all it takes is just being a little bit amicable. You know who seems like a really nice guy? Keanu Reeves. Yeah, you always

see stuff about him being friendly apparently he has donated the vast majority of all the money he's ever made from movies uh to charity and he lives a pretty simple lifestyle and like like i don't know everywhere you he's always interacting with fans he just lives on the beach searching for the perfect wave right that's That's all I'm saying. He loves it. I didn't know about the donation thing. I'm not sure if you know it's true or if you just read it or what the scoop is with that. But, man, the internet loves him.

There's a subreddit, KeanuBeingCool. They just find everything he does and help him out. I don't know. Maybe it's because he earned it. Yeah, could be but i will also say this like if people like for anyone listening if you ever see someone who you whether they're famous or you think they're famous you know like whether they are tom hanks or they're ice poseidon whoever it is if you go up to them give them context first thing don't just walk up and go hi because then they have to try to figure out how the fuck they

know you and it's like egotistical to think like oh well this person recognizes me because there are people that everyone knows in their life yeah there are people that like oh is this is this the barber i went to yesterday you know is is this someone i went to high school with like who is this person and so like if someone ever comes up to me and they say hey man i want you on youtube great that's fantastic but sometimes people will say something you'd be like hey steve and i'm like what now now now i have to figure this out, and it's weird. It's fucking weird. Yeah, I don't like that. Just walking up and saying,

hey, Kyle. Hey, are you here to kill me? That's a genuine fear. I didn't know this was coming. What happens to me a lot... I've been on this show. We're on episode 393. Most of them are many hours long. They probably average about three hours long at this point.

So there's a lot of content of me out there saying things. And when I meet someone new who's a fan of the show, there is an incredible information disadvantage. Like they know all about me, my wife, my kids, my story, my childhood, my everything. And now we're hanging out. And they're like, I don't know know recalling things i did in high school and i'm just at a huge disadvantage it's weird not only that but do they also like make a reference to something you said and probably forgot that could happen yeah yeah or i don't know did they just they pull out a contradicting belief it's like yeah, yeah, I've evolved over time on that one. That's true.

Chiz, is this picture real? Wait. Look at this. Alright, so this is from BBC. This is at the... No, I didn't see this. What am I seeing? Look closely.

Oh, I did see this. This is at the World Cup. Hilarious. Russia versus Egypt. That's our main demo. You know what's the craziest thing about this show? You guys have over a million subscribers, right?

Yeah. Over a million subscribers. I feel like it's one of these things where, like, because the industry does not talk about this show. tons of people heard about mark maron's podcast without ever having heard an episode i feel like everyone who has ever heard of pka is because they watch pka like it's not talked about from other people like people aren't aware of this like i tell other comics all the time like you got to do this show i tell other comics all the time i'm like you gotta do this show i mean i told arian to do it you know i was like you gotta do the show

and they're like what's that i'm like it has a million fucking subscribers like go find out it's very weird like it's been going on forever yeah it's this crazy like cult like everyone who knows it knows it super well and everyone else doesn't know it. Cult is perfect. I wonder how many... We might have 100 million views on this show. I prefer clan. I mean, look at the organic communities that pop up. The PKA subreddit has

36,000 people and 1,000 online right now. Mark Marans has 12 people there right now. Totally dead. It's interesting the way that works. When it's a mainstream thing, they don't have to. Yeah, but his viewers have jobs.

They're working right now. They're asleep for tomorrow's job. Our viewers are like Anthony, Xbox PC man, posing with fans on his back, cosplaying Woody in his spare time, which is ample. Our listeners are fucking hilarious. I love them.

There are some good ones, yeah. I think that's cool about them. I like when they get creative and they meme all of us, sometimes in more flattering ways than others. But it's always funny. Oh, I'm aware. I'm well aware. Yeah, yeah. I like when they Photoshop you to just have that, like...

They turn your five head into, like, a six or seven head. Just have that like... They turn your five head into like a six or seven head. Did you know one time after you were on the show, throughout the week, your forehead grew daily in our header? Like it just kept... Especially, I love that it was in the header of all places. But I have fun with it also. I mean, you got to be a real self-conscious asshole to be like no and so

like i have a i have a ton of fun with it like people come up to me it shows all the time and like if i see someone in pka gear sometimes i'll just go like this you know like it's it's a lot of fun yeah i don't uh what's what's dumb is when someone oh this is something i didn't talk about yet someone in between the last time i was on and now someone posted something on the sub that was like look i don't want to i'm not i don't mean this as an insult but and then proceeded to just say i was like a total trash person and then like all this awful shit and it was just amazing to me that he was like you know i'm just saying it's just my opinion yeah like i'm just pontificating a bit about how much of a cunt you are and how much i hate you and you should die i'm just just

asking questions just it's just so dumb but i enjoy the forehead stuff like i think it's fun i posted one to the sub where i was like hey i have a new headshot what do you think and i just zoomed in on my forehead and just that was the whole picture it's interesting like the memes of me aren't even me physically it's just various pictures of owls taylor gets all so easy right because like there'll be pictures of me or kyle or whatever and whatever they're fussing about that there can be an element of of truth like if you're sensitive to it to taylor it's just straight up like bird heads on people getting married and shit and it's like you know yeah it's i think it's funny yeah they've got some good ones but it's nothing you could take too seriously yeah yeah absolutely whereas me

they're tracking every pound i gain and lose yeah it's a fun community, but Woody is very sensitive about his weight, so lay off, guys. Oh, saddle help. Saddle help. Gotcha. Thanks, Steve. No, I'm kind of plateaued. I injured myself. I actually think it's been really cool to see people posting those progress things. I think that's cool.

I've done a thing. Now that I'm actually not a wussy piece of shit and I'm actually working out. Like, I post, I don't do it on my regular social media. I just do it in my Instagram stories where I post a gym selfie every day. And the reason for it is because other people write back and send me theirs as a very, like, you reminded me I have to go to the gym today. I can't forget. I have to go to the gym today. I can't forget. I have to go. And it's like a really cool thing to see other people changing their lives based on something that you're doing in a positive way. I think that's awesome. It's super awesome. We did a similar thing on here. I guess it's been a while now. It started

in April of 2017. And we were like, you know, let's get into shape. Let's talk about it. And it was a topic we talked about on the show for a while and yeah i lost some weight taylor got way stronger lost some weight kyle was already fine and uh it was cool to see other people follow suit yeah i yeah taylor's taylor looks jacked taylor is jacked i think he so he did kettlebells and he's just yeah they're behind him they're on the screen right there. Oh, yeah. His body just responded super well to it. Yeah. Yeah. Got all cut up.

I was pretty happy with it because, I mean, I'm 38 years old. And the idea... My whole life I've been like, oh, I don't have the frame for it. And then it's like, no, no, no. I didn't have the discipline. Like, I didn't have the... Yeah. I didn't have the, I guess, not desire because I always wanted it. But I always told myself I didn't have the the yeah i didn't have the i guess not desire because i always wanted it but

i always told myself i didn't yeah it's you make excuses you do you do all right uh trying to looking at the ones taylor went taylor wanted to do. Oh, yeah, I should have went through those more. I very quickly switched to Google Docs after looking at that for a bit to the one where I was keeping track of the people we don't care for. Which, before we end the show, I'll read through those, and people can judge how good our state's going to be. I also feel like we missed a ton. We did. This is a bill in progress, man.

Yeah, we didn't even get... I mean, we barely got pedophiles in there at the end. Nobody knew it was so hard to craft a list of people that should die. People driving slow in the fast lane. People driving slow in the fast lane. If you're driving slow in the fast lane, there should be some sort of accelerometer, some sort of speed detection device, where a hole just opens up in the highway and swallows your car,

you, your family, your pets, the whole thing, and then just closes up real quick so the rest of us can speed along our journey. What if it was socially acceptable just to push them faster? Just a little love tap? In our nation, cars will have bumpers and

pushing ability. That's what you need. And the brakes will be worse to prevent you from being able to resist this i'm like i'm pushing imaginary buttons on my steering wheel wishing they were missile launchers just fucking just imagining them exploding he's just turning the radio on and off over series listening i i do though, that it would be a great innovation if we had various types of horns in the car. Yes, that is a great innovation. Because sometimes you want to say, like, beep, beep, you know, hey there. Yeah.

Yeah, and it comes off like, fuck you. Yeah, I mean, honking is definitely a language. But, like, there is, and you could still do, cause look, the, you know, the, the, the beep beep is kind of a, like, eh, just heads up, heads up, buddy. But it takes a talent. Yeah. You have, I mean, you have to know how to speak the language, but like, if you had different horns, like you should have a horn that means like, Hey, you are doing the wrong thing. Like heads up, whether it is your, you know, your headlights are out, your, you are doing the wrong thing. Like, heads up. Whether it is your headlights are out, just a horn that means I'm trying to help you.

Huh. That would be so confusing. Like, one, is that horn talking to me? Two, what could that horn possibly be talking about? Well, right now, you have those same questions, but you're also like fuck you buddy so it's i mean it's not like you know that with the current horn i'm just saying there could be different pitches of horn one time when i was a teenager a guy came up and was like pointing to

the side of our car to this day i still don't know what the scoop was yeah yeah i could have i don't know i tried to there i was behind the guy once when his brake lights were out and you know i try to tell the guy so we pull up to the side and he's just like super old dude and we're in florida and i'm trying to yell to him your brakes are broken but it just sounded like a brian regan bit like it just sounded like your brake the brake broke breaking breaking broke broke like that sound like brian reed yeah i was like this guy has no idea what i'm talking about and i'm like trying to point i'm like all right i'm not gonna be the one to tell him say mister you're breaking broken yeah you

broke the break break yeah chis just wrote you're dragging a body under your vehicle was that it woody is that what happened it could be that the body just sort of wore out yeah fair yeah what do you guys here's a quick recap of all the people we want

the name of my google doc is just undesirables nice and the kind of people we don't want we got homeless people at burrito stores who got homeless, people who work, or people at burrito stores who point at ingredients, people who block hallways, people who don't get off escalators quickly, people who take shoes off on public transport,

people who read aloud in public, people who listen to headphones off their ears, people who cross the road diagonally at four-way stop sign stops. I added that little bit after you clarified steve we're trying this is the letter of the law uh people who get well done stakes people too polite when they drive i like you have to have a middle you know you drive carefully in our state yeah don't want to be too we don't want to be too polite people who make line cutting decisions for you by letting them cut in front of them when you're behind them. People with ear gauge holes. Initially, it was larger than a nickel. Kyle convinced the rest of us legislators here

that it is anyone with an ear gauge out of our state. People who double park. People with pause load fetishes. Vegan. I put a question mark after that one. I wasn't sure yet, but now I've decided. Vegans. Any non-meat eaters, really. Vegan proselytizers. Vegan and vegetarian. I'm not playing i'm not

doing your bullshit there will be no restaurants in vegan proselytizers fair uh people with bumper stickers people who steal valor fraudsters people who say sports ball people who speak in movie theaters while the movie's going uh not picking up your dog shit, people. And last but not least, pedophiles. You know, you left off Catholics, but pedophiles kind of covers it, right? Yeah, there's that. Also the Mormons. It's all subsets.

How about cat people? Am I alone in this? Cats will not be allowed in our state. Just put the cats to death. No, you're right. I'm not putting cat people to death. That solves the problem. They can be converted.

I just put cats. There will be no cats. I don't think that they can be converted. I think they're beyond redemption. You know what? Also, I'm making another rule. Steve's making a good argument. No birds that are not used for food.

No birds. I like that. What's the point? No birds that can't be eaten. Although we do need vultures to eat the carrion, right? Birds eat insects, too, I don't know. You're not winning me on this. No, no, no, this isn't like I see a bird in public and go,

Ah, bird! I just mean as a pet. You can't own pet birds. Nobody could have a toucan under penalty of death. No, under penalty they get sent to the island where we sent the people who appointed burrito ingredients to the pedophiles and they have to hang out with them. Oh, so do these people, are they just expelled from society?

They're not killed? They're killed. Taylor's gone soft on us. We keep a small contingent of them over there as like an exile thing to punish people. We'll have a lot of cameras over there filming all of it. It'll be a big propaganda piece to get everybody making sure they stay on point. Taylor, I've seen Jurassic Park. It's not going to be contained. But how do we kill them?

Because I am, as always, I'm a big fan of gladiatorial combat. I feel like, you know, you lie to them, tell them the winner gets to go free. Of course he doesn't. We just shoot him. And then we televise the whole thing

and the proceeds go to me. I would make them play in my own fucked up sports matchups where i'd be like all right now it's pedophiles are gonna play the burrito pointers in football but it's got like those same people well there's some overlap there'll be special teams uh the overlap people but yeah you make them compete. But it's not regular football. They've got those Oakland Raiders legit spike pads. There's going to be a lot of death, a lot of destruction, a lot of carnage.

And for all of us normal people, we get to enjoy it. You know who would die first? Probably the pedos. No, the people who say sports ball. Oh, yeah, you're right. The sports ball folks. They would totally go first, as they should. They should.

Just before pedophiles, and then pedophiles next. Steve, did you have anything else you wanted to pimp before we go? Yeah, two things. One, doing a world tour. So come out and see some shows. Huge mid-Atlantic swing coming up where I'm doing North Carolina, South Carolina, Tennessee, and

Virginia. Where in North Carolina? If you don't mind me asking. Raleigh, I do not mind. Raleigh, Charlotte, Wilmington, and Greensboro. That's nice. I'm in Raleigh. I'd like to go to a show. Dude, come out to a show. Absolutely. I'm going to be at Charlie Goodnights on the 19th.

Of this... July. That's very cool. I'll have to go. Yeah, absolutely. And then after that, I'm doing a huge swing in Europe, and I'm at the Fringe Festival in Edinburgh for two weeks at the Assembly Theater, which is one of the bigger venues there.

So I'm excited about that. And then the last thing, if you're in New York or L.A., I run Comedy Juice. This is the shirt I'm wearing. I run Comedy Juice in New York. It's at Gotham every Tuesday and Friday night. And in L.A., it's at the Hollywood Improv every Wednesday, the Irvine Improv every Tuesday.

And there are huge celebrities there every week. One week in the same show, we had Hannibal Buress, Whitney Cummings, Ron White, and Jed Apatow. Oh, nice. So, yeah, it's pretty ridiculous. And for those of you who hate me, I'm not even on it most of the time. Come on a week when I'm not there. People who like me come on a week when I am there.

But it's a kick-ass show. And straight up, anyone who watches PKA, go to my website, shoot me an email, say, hey, I watch PKA. I want to go see Comedy Juice. And I'll hook you up with tickets on me. Wow. That's super cool. Coupon code PKA at Comedy Juice. Yeah.

You know what? I'll add one. I will add a PKA code or something. Well, no, I can't because the clubs handle those. But I have a guest list, so I can do the comps. Awesome. Nice. Alright. PKA 393. Oh, and don't forget his book, Ginger

Kid, right? On Amazon? Amazon and in all major bookstores as well. Very cool. PKA 393.