Painkiller Already - Painkiller Already #402

Episode Date: September 6, 2018

On this week's PKA, it's a drinking episode! And we brought in resident functioning alcoholic, Dick Masterson, to cut his teeth with the boys in a setting he's never seen them in before, drinking... and shit faced, if we're talking about Kyle. Kyle & Dick get absolutely blasted, barely cognitive for the last 90 minutes, though Dick does manage to choke down some chicken legs. During their progressing intoxicated states they review the seacow that is Tess Holliday, which of course takes them down the drinking episode tentpole topic of fat people hate. Things really go off the rails, so just enjoy the ride.

Painkiller Already, episode 402 with Dick Masterson, the drinking episode. Yeah! Kyle? A few sponsors tonight. Squarespace, SmartMouth, Luminosity, Shadow of the Tomb Raider, and Monster Hunter.

Painkiller Already is brought to you by Monster Hunter Generations Ultimate. Now available on Nintendo Switch. Choose from 14 unique weapons and then fight to the nail with colossal foes in this deep action RPG. Visit at Monster Hunter on Twitter or head on over to MonsterHunter.com for more information. Hunt solo. Hunt online. Hunt ultimate. Monster Hunter's huge on Reddit. Yeah, man. Monster Hunt is huge on Reddit. Yeah, man.

They seem to love that thing. All right, so here's what we got going on here. So Taylor and I have gone with the Tito's Handmade Vodka, my vodka of choice, and that's no joke. I was introduced to this like seven years ago. The guys who run CPX Sports, they are friends with the guy who owns this company, and so they were like, you got to try Tito's.

This is our buddy's vodka. I have poured this much out so far. I've got three shots in my mixed drink, which I'll be sipping on throughout the show, which is a Bloody Mary. But, of course, it is time for a shot because we are beginning the show. And Dick is even beating us here because he has, what do you have there, Dick? I got Wild Turkey 101. I've been drinking this since I was a wee lad. I got it because nobody else would touch it because it's so powerful and basically swill.

So everyone in college would drink their own Absolute 80 80 proof before they ever touched my wild turkey one Oh, I'm sorry, but we have a shot glass reveal from mr.. Gamerton What do we got that's retarded So the shot glass is, and when you lift it... Why do you have this? That's the most boomer shot glass I've ever seen. That is pretty boomery, Woody. Is that a Spirits of Elderberry? All right. Beer package or what?

So for those of you who are audio only, you fucking peasants, Woody's bottle of liquor just rolled up in the backseat of a drop top 32 Ford with like with quad shot glasses in it for some unknown reason. I like the musical thing. That's kind of pleasant. It like helps you forget that you've kind of novelized your alcoholism. Why do you have that? That's the setup you use to get an underage child

wasted to take advantage of them. There's a lot of those in the Vatican. The Neverland Ranch edition. We just inherited this from my grandmother who died. Or my mother-in-law. But it's still fun.

At least it wasn't a total loss using cold vodka i've got to say the warm grand gala seems to i think it would make me sick right now i'm glad i'm cold that's not a gurgling oh no you're gonna want the smell of all right all right cheers everyone yeah yeah bottoms up. Ooh, it burns. So good. See, the good part about this vodka is I bought it on the way home, and so it's not cold. Oh, you got fucked up.

All the air in my nose is different now. I'm feeling smarter and funnier already. Yeah, my opinions are becoming more valid i'm more confident in them it's like a blanket for my tongue immediately the smell goes in now the smell of the liquor is like one of those pies in a cartoon that just beckons you in with those tantalizing tendrils so if you've been drinking 101 for this long i imagine a few nights you may have gotten unruly like are you one of those people where you're like oh you know i got too fucked up on that i can never have that again oh i'm not a tequila person you know those people are you like fuck it this is my brand i don't care what i do when i'm on it this is mine uh i stopped drinking tequila

a long time ago but i i think it's just a taste thing. Like, for some reason, I can't stand the taste of tequila. I don't know why. What kind of tequila were you drinking? God, the last time I drank it, it was good stuff. A fan sent it to me. It was some kind of, I think it was a Patron bottle, a silver Patron bottle. That's a good kind. Something about it tastes too much like cough syrup to me.

Like, a good bourbon or a scotch will taste like a cigarette and I like it the tequila The more I drink it the more it starts like kind of chiseling at the back of my teeth Like there's something not right with this half Mexican. Hey, I got the wrong half when it comes to liquor I got the white half. Oh Yeah, or the wrong half when it comes to liquor. I got the white half. Olé? Yeah. Or the right half. Who knows? For those of you who like to keep track of how much we've all drank, I had Taylor supervise me. There are three shots of vodka in here.

So whenever this is gone, you can tally on three. I didn't know it was supposed to start with sealed. Oh, yeah. All right. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That was like a magic turn. I have my flaws, but I don't lie, really. That's't. Oh, yeah. That was like a magic turn. I have my

flaws, but I don't lie, really. That's the same Greg Gallagher. I promise you I haven't touched it since the last show. We're going to need you to pour that on some gunpowder and then light it on fire to make sure it's the correct amount of proof. Is that a thing? I don't know. That's where proof comes from. A hundred proof.

Kyle, you back me up on this if it's true. I don't know if it is. They used to pour the liquor on gunpowder, and if they could still light it on fire, it meant it was proof. And that, today, that means 100 proof. Now we've got science and everything. We can tell how much liquor is in it, but back in the cowboy days, that's what they'd do. I've heard that before. Is that true? It was from you just now, but I've heard it.

I've never heard that before, but I'm going to choose to believe it. Try it, for God's sake. I don't have any gunpowder, but I will believe you. That wouldn't possibly work with what Woody's got over there. It's way too much syrupy sugar and shit, right? I have no fucking idea. I don't know. It doesn't matter.

I'm not a liquor scientist. But to get into to dick for a little bit so i haven't super quick finger on google says dick's right nice well nice google doesn't lie no uh i know following your politics making it up on the fly then you're right here you're at home here. I've been following your Twitter and everything, seeing the little bits and bands back and forth with you and Maddox. Of course, not you and Maddox directly. That would be too entertaining. He's always going through an agent, it seems.

And I saw today people in, not just you, a lot of accounts are making fun of him. And I read some exchange of him calling the police or having a friend pretend to be a cop and call someone and be like, hey, you know, this is Officer Dan Stevenson. And if you don't stop this, I'm going to send the Internet Patrol squad. Is he really doing this? Yeah, he's just today, I guess, a woman who was a big supporter of Maddox or a fan of his defender. She came out on Twitter. So, okay.

You know, Maddox has been suing me for $20 million and a couple comedians. And he cost this poor guy Asterios his job. I don't know. Have you guys ever had Asterios Kokonos on the show? No. He's really funny. He's a very funny comedian.

We were going to, but Woody couldn't pronounce his name. That's probably true. It's Asterios. That's how you pronounce it. Oh, yeah. Now I got it. but Woody couldn't pronounce his name. That's probably true. It's Asterios. That's how you pronounce it. He's like a swarthy Greek. You pronounce it patreon.com slash Asterios because he's a fucking shill factory from which there is no escape.

But he's also very, he has more energy than, he has more energy than my five-year-old nephew. He lost his job because of the 20 million dollar lawsuit that Maddox tried to sue us for the lawsuit was thrown out with prejudice for me but the lawsuit was not thrown out with prejudice for hysteria so it was dismissed but it wasn't with prejudice which means that mean thrown out with prejudice with prejudice means you can't do it again. With prejudice means you fucked up so much that you can't refile this because it's preposterous and this was a total waste of our time. With prejudice means or without prejudice means that you can fix it and file it again.

Like maybe your lawyer fucked you or maybe you just didn't understand what the law was. So that's what a serious. So he can try and fuck a serious again, but not you yeah but not me uh he can try me he can try to fuck me again in california if he wants but he's too nutless to do that anyway uh yesterday last night he filed an extension on his uh on his remaining time maddox filed an extension on his remaining time to sue to re-sue asterios which is totally beyond the pale it's a preposterous lawsuit it has no business sucking down the court's time or or asterios's time uh anyway one of maddox's fans saw this and was upset by it so maddox told them maddox told them he was

going to call the police on them and then then the police called. The police called this nurse and said, this is the police. We saw you talking shit about Maddox online. Don't do it and don't call us back. Thank you. And it's not the first time he's done it. This is not the first person who's

gotten a weird phone call from a pretend police officer telling them... Is it confirmed this is a fake cop, like one of his friends he's putting up to it? Or is that just what everyone's assuming because you don't call the police and they go, yeah, we're dealing with a double homicide, right? But someone's being mean and heard his DMs. There's nothing that points to it being real at all. They're calling from a blocked number.

It's just like, it's sick. It's mental derangement stuff. Like, it's not something you expect from a guy who's got 300,000 subscribers on YouTube. You know? Well, I think that number's going down by the day, I would think. Like, does he even put content out anymore? I don't think so.

Every time he does, his sub count drops like 1,000. Did you guys see when I hijacked his feed and put like a two to three minute bumper that I recorded in front of his last podcast? Oh, my God. That's hilarious. What did you do? Maddox, when he started his new show, he he didn't set up a new iTunes feed. He just used the one that we had set up together for the biggest problem in the universe. So he stole the audience that you guys had cultivated.

Right. He stole the audience and he sold a bunch of ads on it. He just sold fraud, whatever. So I've been waiting two years to pop this chili pepper up his ass. I recorded a two-minute bumper telling everybody who didn't know about the lawsuit

and the breakup where to find the dick show and where to get the truth of what happened. And I swapped it with and I put it in front of his episode and swapped the feed. So it pointed to that. So like a thousand people who tuned into the best debate last week got two minutes of me ranting about what a scumbag Maddox is. You guys have a thousand people. This is a ridiculous ongoing feud that you have with this other grown man. Yeah, I love it. It's ridiculous.

Aren't both of you in your late 30s? Maddox is 40. I mean, it is the most. Have you considered settling this in a boxing match? Kyle, I would love to. I would box Maddox one-handed if he would do it i am not the challenge has been laid down one-handed boxing i would love it i would love nothing more um that would be great did you watch the logan would you stream that on your fps russia channel hey maddox

could get a little bit more publicity absolutely not would you did you did you did you watch the logan paul ksi fight no but I heard it was a draw. And if I box Maddox, it would not be a draw. Yeah, it was a draw. It was actually a better fight than I thought it was going to be. I didn't pay for it. I streamed it for free on Twitch like the other half million people. But those guys made millions of dollars to box each other in an amateur boxing match.

Got a little bloody nose. And then I don't think it was rigged people are saying that oh it was a predetermined outcome but i i think if you do that on an event that is being bet upon that's uh that's definitely fraud and you can go to jail for that um do you guys box have you guys ever boxed before i have done a very small amount of boxing i i bought gloves and headgear and mouth guardsards when I was like, I don't know, 23 or 24, and we used to box a little bit in the backyard.

And then I did some MMA training and some Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu a few years back, and there was a lot of stand-up in that. And we kind of went back to it doing that. What I've always learned from it is, it hurts. It hurts really bad to get punched in the head.

And I would almost rather do like UFC gloves so they're smaller and just get hit and get it over with, like knock the fuck out, than the slow, torturous pounding that you take from 16-ounce gloves, which is what we always used. I'm sure that at my weight I'm supposed to be using like 12 ounce gloves or something like that but i can't even imagine that even 16 ounce gloves as big pillowy and soft as they are and you know is that what they were using 16 ounce gloves i don't know what they were using to be honest i'm guessing they were using 16s because they were using headgear too but maybe 12 it's people really underestimate like how hard it is to hit something. You're not the Incredible Hulk up there. Lifting your arm and swinging over and over is so exhausting. By the time you land up...

There's a reason that there's score in boxing, even for professionals. Because it's difficult to lay somebody out. All those combat sports are like that. I never boxed, but I did wrestling. And the first time you wrestle, like, 30 seconds into it, you're like, wow, I'm out of shape. Yeah. Do you think that you would absolutely dominate Maddox in a little boxing match? Like, I know you work out and everything, and you apparently know a little bit of fight.

How are you in size-wise to Maddox? Yes, I'm gigantic. I'm like a fucking ox. And I have boxed a lot. When I say I could fight him one-handed and still probably kill him, I don't think I'm exaggerating. Is he a big guy, like tall? I know he used to be fat.

Maddox without a shirt on looks like an out-of-shape lesbian. Like he looks like he's got a muffin top for tits. The guy is so out of shape. He rides a bicycle around L.A. as his only form of working out. He's made entirely of soy. I don't know how to – I can't stress it enough. I don't even think it would be legal for me to fight him, even one-handed.

That bicycle thing you're saying, that was one of the things that was so minute on Biggest Problem but pissed me off to no end is when he was insisting, like, I ride a bike, Dick. I've got way better endurance than you. And the thought of lifting weights being beneficial to

anything more than aesthetics did not seem to enter into his brain so i ride my bike around i'm still skinny fat and i haven't i don't have an ounce of muscle on me but i'm in shape i mean did you guys do uh did you do sports when you were kids in high school yeah a little bit ice hockey i think it i think when you grow up like that, like doing sports, you have you retain a muscle memory when it comes to just moving your own body and throwing your weight around. And I mean, if nothing else, that would be I think that would be a big determining factor if I were to actually buy box Maddox in a boxing match. For sure. I've ever gone to like a barbecue with friends and you're playing frisbee and the dude who didn't play any sports in high school is there and it's like i didn't even know people could be this bad at things so i'm like your hands not in the right area you don't know how to throw it you're throwing it like a girl where you're letting go over here

and it's going in the woods get your shit together yeah i uh i remember we um where were we at we were in chicago with me and woody and joe lozon and uh we were? We were in Chicago with me and Woody and Joe Lozon, and we were in this guy's backyard having a barbecue, and then we broke out a frisbee and one of those cornhole things, and I don't remember. There were a couple other YouTubers there, and I won't say who it was, but there was a guy who was just...

I was like, you throw like a girl. You, sir, throw like a woman, and not the kind of woman who plays softball the kind of woman who's never played a fucking sport before like like like just completely uncoordinated like like you know can't chain a throwing motion together it's it's embarrassing to be a grown man and not be able to throw a ball yeah it is yeah or just not be able to do anything like have you ever tossed another man something,

and, like, their reaction is, ooh! Like, I threw, not like people would know, but a friend of mine, like, I pulled out a bottle of water, like, a month ago, and I grabbed one, and I grabbed one, and I didn't announce I was throwing it to him. I just tossed it the way you do to other men. He goes, ooh! Hits his chest and falls on the ground. It's like, oh! Oh, like, man, I wish more people were here

so that this bit of shame were cemented in you yeah like and you would know how to be you know catch things just do you guys have anybody that you would that you would fight that you'd want to fight like this um the logan paul it was was it logan paul ksi yeah yeah yeah do you have because i love i love it like i really think more i I mean, I love confrontation. And I think that more beefs should be settled in the ring because here's guys have this thing where fighting for us is like fucking. That might be a Fight Club quote. But after two guys, even if they're bitter enemies fight, they have this weird bro respect bond with each other after that. You know what I mean?

That you can't get by arguing on Twitter with each other. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know who I would want to fight. Even after you punch somebody in a hockey fight, even after that, you're like, well, you know, respect. You know, I have a feeling of admiral... Nice, Kyle. Yeah, thank you.

Did Woody go throw up? I hope so. hope i hope that i hope he's tapping out already that'd be great it's six minutes in brb is he going to get more does he have a whole train set with liquor and shots or something this is great this is fine woody is not exaggerating when he says the last three times he drank have been our last three drinking episodes and that spans back to like late 2016 yeah like he does not drink at all he asked kyle he's like hey this alcohol if i just leave it in a bottle will it stay okay and we're like yeah it'll be fine it's got alcohol in it it's not gonna turn

to like bread or something is it it? And I was this close to trolling him a little bit, like, oh, you didn't refrigerate that? Woody, it's building up an enormous amount of pressure in that bottle. If it explodes in a glass shrapnel across your bedroom at any moment, you gotta get it out of there. But you can't throw it away, you've gotta

drink it. It's illegal to throw away things that dangerous. Don't touch it. Wait, do you guys have anybody you'd fight? Kyle, I think you were going to say something. Look, I'm about 6'1". Right now, I weigh about

195 pounds. You're the mean bean. Dude. Someone who's 6'1 and 195 pounds of fucking in shape boxing muscle would murder me so the real question would be how long would I have to get in shape for this potential fight

and what weight would I want to get to because I would want her to be a weight class and I feel like boxing in shape me one year from today of fucking literally training for a year would probably fight at like a hundred sixty five hundred seventy pounds something like that because i don't you think you'd go down oh i definitely go down oh you're 195 now you should bolt up that's the same weight i am so you and i could fight and be in the same how about you suck two dicks?

Which one of you guys would win in a fight? He's so much bigger. Taylor's been working out pretty heavily for like a year, year and three months or something. Year and a half, yeah. Around there. And my workout consists of sex and jogging twice a week or something like that. It would not go well. I would try to tire Taylor out. I would try to keep my distance.

I know my arms are longer than his, so maybe I could jab at him and keep him away from me. But if he ever hit me, he would really fuck me up. I wouldn't want to fight Taylor. But if I were going to have to fight taylor i would definitely draw him downward to a weight class that would weaken him um because in shape me is probably more like 185 pounds and then i could get 10 15 pounds of weight for a for a professional fight where look logan paul and ksi made millions of dollars each did they really this is that

confirmed or is that like a calculation people this was the so far this year it is the biggest combat sports fight uh payday that there's been it's the biggest view it's the biggest paid all right then let me let me go back a moment i i should have said compared to MMA because boxers get paid. I've seen instances where a guy boxed in front of 50,000 people and made a million dollars or something like that. I'm always reading those statistics and stuff like that because they just make so much more money in boxing than guys in martial arts do. But yeah, they got paid, and there were a lot of eyes. I watched it. I watched all the fights. They were good. That's awesome. arts do but but yeah they got paid and then uh and there were a lot of eyes i mean i shit i watched it i watched all the fights they were good that's awesome i really like that boxing is getting taken

away from like the sport of boxing where it can just be these youtube guys with beefs who go fight and the boxing is probably lousy but quite honestly like i'm so i'm tired of seeing boxers playing from playing boxing for points like dancing around and just trying to score rounds i don't not interested in that at all i want to see people trying to kill each other who wants to see tyson fury when you can see logan paul right i don't know tyson fury i don't know anything about him but i know logan paul i i've seen his youtube videos i know he's a goofball it'll be fun to watch him fight you know have you seen any of his videos other than the one where he filmed that japanese guy though because that's the only one i've seen

uh yeah but just sparingly i've seen a couple of little skit videos but only because i was like present while he was like filming him like like like just goofing around doing stuff with his uh with his friends and that fucking parrot um what do you think would win in a fight? Just real quick. I didn't say at the beginning, but I made a list that I'm keeping to myself of things that if any of us do it, we all have to take a drink. And Woody left for more than five minutes,

and that is a drink. We all have to drink? Everyone has to drink. All right, all right. Get yourselves a shot, gentlemen. And since you're not doing, like, a... Oh, that's too much. Too much.

That's a lot. Oh, just take a drink out of your regular thing, Kyle. No, I'm drinking this down, like, indiscriminately. This is getting... Oh, man. Kyle, you've got the enthusiasm of, like, a sorority girl. It worries me, because if you can carry that momentum, you're going to be an unstoppable liquor force.

Last time... He's like a 19-year-old girl at Rush Week. It worries me because if you can carry that momentum, you're going to be an unstoppable liquor force. He's like a 19-year-old girl at Rush Week. That's what he's like. It appears that I'm a little bit sick. After I had my first shot, my stomach felt terrible. This place felt 110 degrees. And I went to the bathroom, got my work done, and cranked up the AC. We're going to power through this bitch.

Did you poop or vomit? Or a mix? I just pooped. Did you vomit out your asshole? Yeah, it was not a good poop, but yeah, that's where we are. Goodness. Yeah, see, one thing I did. I've been planning this all day. This whole day has been built around this moment right here.

And so I was like, ah, AC down to 69. Because I know as soon as i have a few drinks i'm gonna get fucking hot and sweaty it's freezing in here last time we did a drinking episode dick um i had i never re-watched these these shows we do you know they're four hours long for one thing but also i'm fucking here i remember what we said what we did and all that stuff i had to go back and re-watch that. People were telling me what I'd done and said, and I thought they were kidding. I thought they were kidding me when they told me the things that I had said and done. I didn't believe them.

What did you do? That was the evening where you started your movement to retake the word faggot, right? Almost other things. The word faggot and also, there's these youtubers who like sail around the world on their boat and it's it's it's it's two people there's a guy there's a there's a there's a terrible looking guy with an awful mustache he's not terrible looking i will say if you want to i'm i'm steering clear and and there's a girl who's fucking like like a nine out of ten legit and this is my scale internet scale her name is a selective this woman is one in a million she's a legit nine out of ten very pretty face sexy fucking body and she's uh got a got a hot accent

well anyway they're together and, what does she look like? Look up Sailing Vagabond on YouTube. Sailing Vagabond? Is that what he's going to say? Sailing Vagabond. That's what it should be. I'd watch that. Oh my! Well, the second YouTube

clip is her bent over in a bikini. Yeah, they know how to get views. Well, they're teaching you sailing're really cool here's what happened they were really cool i like woody is a fan of these people yeah and and uh woody and look i don't remember any of this what a life man plowing this chick on a boat around the world that's. She's about two months pregnant now, and so far, the only difference is her boobs got bigger. What he brings up on the show to

very wasted me and Taylor that the guy has sustained some sort of a spinal injury, and he might be crippled to some extent. I start mocking him for being potentially paralyzed. And I start saying things like,

maybe Elena would like a man who can walk. I start basically mocking this man who may be crippled now and talking about wanting to fuck his girlfriend and go real nasty with it and in depth it was pretty nasty and i can say kyle in regard to that like i don't re-watch the shows either ever because i was there and i remember it but i re-watched the last half hour of that a few times because you were cracking my shit up about how brutal you were being to that poor man who might be paralyzed. Can we watch this 42 second highlight video? Yeah, yes.

But before we do... I mean, you're not wrong. I chatted with my inner Jim Norton and went mean as fuck. I'm queued up at zero. Are you guys ready? Yes, I'm ready. Three, two, one, play.

They should be. Taylor, would you beat a Shetland pony to death with a baseball bat to fuck Elena? We're talking about the nicest, cutest Shetland pony you've ever seen. He's friendly. He's not one of those that bite. You're mistaking me for someone who would

give a fuck about that. I would beat that pony to death with my fist if need No, I would beat that pony to death with my fist, if need be. I would burn a Shetland pony alive with a flamethrower while it screamed and whinnied to fuck Elena. Wait, they were on?

No. I would fuck wings of redemption in the asshole if it meant that I got to fuck Elena. They took a piece of their little quadrant of the show. Do you know what the show looks like? The people are in the corners? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they took her from the show

and overlapped it with Kyle talking about it. Which, as funny as that is, some people believe that they were actually on the show, and they judge me based on that. Because that goes from, like, guy talking about a hot girl, like, voicing his inner monologue like normal, to, like, belligerent uncle at Thanksgiving time if they're on the show. You know, I don't think we're going get them back i like them too i i uh i did laugh at the joke i was otherwise on their episode they were totally fine rolling with the punches and the

inappropriate jokes and shit he was he was great riley belongs on this show he can roll with the punches he's one of the guys she has way too much class to be here with us that was my recollection of it yeah no she's too much of a fucking sjw in my opinion because like look i don't even remember i do know where he's going with this talking about like your advances no no no no no but it was about that you're not gonna turn down my drunkenness I'll just fuck the pony I don't care Do you think your postures are much better Than a shirtline of ponies

They went to somewhere I forget where it was Like Albania or something like that And the guys are not as polite As us American men So they see her and she's beautiful And they start hissing at her Like that And she's like

you know they're just from a different culture they respond differently to women than than we do here and uh we're like what what like in what world is hissing at women anything but pretty offensive and over the top yeah i do remember that very nice where they were like rationalizing the hissing they're like no that no, that's just the way people from all the istans are. I love it. That's why. That's like rationalizing someone's racism because they're from Alabama. What you got to understand is like when he said kill all niggers, what he meant, he's from Alabama.

You dropped a hard R there. He's not. Well, that's how they. Well, he's quoting a racist person. I was quoting someone three months ago three months. Yeah an imaginary person You gotta understand about these alabama folk is is there from a different no no we're all human beings We're held to the same fucking standard You don't get to hiss at this woman on a beach and yeah like like an animal

The same way that we don't excuse like blatant racism just because you're from a place where it's common practice. No. Be a decent fucking human being. Really, it was her being racist. She used the soft racism of low expectations on those Albanian stans. I love the soft. Thank you, Dr. Cosby. Good old boomer. The Democrats

are the real racists. No, I was fucked. I didn't like that. Honestly, like, upset me during that episode. I was like, no, they're not allowed to do that to you. She was just so nice. Yeah, she's really nice. I just got to start hissing at men.

Honestly, that bumps it down to an eight. Like, she's too nice. Too nice. Kyle, when you rewatched that for the first time, like, seeing it all, seeing yourself so irate talking about ponies were you like this is hilarious or were you like oh probably shouldn't have gone that far i thought so i i thought it was hilarious i thought it was hilarious the only things that i didn't like that i that i had said was um and look but i didn't even remember it. It was literally like watching another person do their thing. I was surprised every moment and everything that I would say, but Woody was laying

out that this guy had hurt his back and might have serious permanent injury, and that's heavy stuff. I wouldn't normally joke about that, but I'm not just joking about it. I'm like, hey, maybe Elena would like a man who can still walk. I'm being mean as shit, and I'm like, hey, maybe Elena would like a man who can still walk. I'm being mean as shit. And I was like, ah, that's not cool. I think we also, it was either you or me, I think, made cracks about him not being able to talk sexy with his new Stephen Hawking voice.

Elena, please touch my penis. It's hard for me to sit here through this He's really cool I like this guy I hope he can walk You know He's still riding his boat and she's pregnant it's fine You're right they are living the life They got this yacht I don't know yachts but I would guess it costs a million dollars

It did And they don't own its, but I would guess it costs a million dollars. It did. And they don't own it, but it's theirs to use, I guess, as long as they want to. And they just sail around the world making YouTube videos, which we all know is actually work. But it seems like it's not work. It seems like their life is just a constant vacation going from one place to the other, all of them paradise. So I guess they're okay. That's the same thing as like it's you getting to live a luxury. It's like if someone was like, hey, I've got this condo in Aspen,

and you can stay there as long as you want, but you got to make two YouTube videos a week. Be like, ugh, are you serious? I reject the idea that making videos and doing podcasts is work. Like it's technically work work but if somebody told me when i was a kid hey you gotta go on a microphone and record a hate-filled diatribe against people who have wronged you even slightly every week and it will and you'll get to live in a beautiful mansion in the hills for it i would think that i would think that that person was the devil. I would sell my fucking soul for that.

I don't think vlogging is work. Vlogging is the easiest, lowest form of video making imaginable. It just is. It's literally like, you know, you talk to a fucking camera. Anyone can do it. I mean, some people are better than others. Let's not say that everybody's not on the same level. There are vloggers who are amazing, and there are vloggers who add a lot of stuff to it.

Casey Neistat, I don't know if you'd consider him a vlogger, but goddamn, the technical shit he does. He's a movie maker. Everything that he brings to his vlogs, it's different. It's not even a vlog. It's very technical. He looks like you picked facial features from 14 different people. He looks like you tried to make a Fallout character and gave up halfway through. He looks like when they were doing Face Off,

like he was the experiment that they did for Nicolas Cage. He looks like one of his parents didn't have all their chromosomes. That knows what's wrong with that guy. He may be the only person on Earth with a forehead that can compete with mine in a head-butting contest. That may be it he looks like half an orc i watched a vlog of his one like one of saruman's henchmen and he said this he said you know i got picked on a lot in school like because of my face and i was like he knows i didn't know he knew this is sad

now he didn't he didn't have friends in school because of his because of the way his face is he looks like a bonsai kitten he looks like he looks like one of those beach caricature artists drew a silly photo of someone and then god said okay i'm looking at him i admire him i i don't know i'm a social justice warrior what happened to me on the internet i admire that shit big time. The elephant man, what bravery he had. But look, that's a freak of nature.

He looks like his face spilled his nose. I've developed a few too and I haven't said them. What did you say to him? He looks like a claymation cartoon that someone dropped on the floor. He looks like a claymation cartoon that someone dropped on the floor

he looks like sean penn's uglier twin his hair sticks up like a woolly willy like he just drew it on there i like him i really admire this guy he's a winner we're just making fun of him because he's ugly see what if it would be mean if we were making fun of some random guy. But if we're making fun of a fucking New York super millionaire who is successful beyond all measure, who, like, made money from the Clinton campaign, like, this guy is real deal. Like, he's fine. He doesn't give a fuck about our small-time bullshit.

He's got a modern art masterpiece. Why do you think he made money from the Clinton campaign? Is that a thing? Yeah, it was like a big thing about him coming out and being like, I am voting for Hillary Clinton. But the money part, what's your source? Oh, that was like a meme. Like a meme thing that they were doing.

That was weird. That was weird that he just said it. Yeah, yeah. I didn't like how he said Clinton. Like, no N, it. Yeah, yeah. I didn't like how he said Clinton. Like, no N. Clinton. That's fine. In his head, he was speaking his conscience, doing the right thing, that it would be cowardly not to share his opinion.

It's pretty brave for a New Yorker to say they're voting Democrat, to be fair. That is true. You should have shared it funnier because it didn't work. Hey, my name's Taylor Taylor and I'm from Missouri and this upcoming primary I'm voting, or this upcoming election, I'm voting Republican. It's like, wow! How can you be so courageous yet so

brave? Actually, I would be braver than him. I live in St. Louis. One of the blue areas. Oh, the blue spot. There's a subreddit called No Stupid Questions. Here's a post. What's ahead, Kyle. There's a subreddit called NoStupidQuestions. Here's a post. What's wrong with Casey Neistat's face?

It looks like it's buffering. What's a buffer? It looks like... I mean, I personally love it. Like, I get shit on non-stop by dick show listeners and it's fucking great

I read, I spent the last probably 20 minutes of two weeks ago reading comments from people saying how fat I looked at our last live show it's the most fun thing in the world I don't think it's the most fun thing in the world.

I mean, I think. I don't think it's the most. I go to our subreddit every now and then, and there'll be like, I don't know, five anti-Woody posts, and then maybe like an anti-Kyle, and they love Taylor lately. And I'm like, yeah, you know,

they pretty much hate all of us. I think it's about even. No, they're like, you have to. That's what the the money's like i do look like an owl so the countless owl posts it i can't get mad at it it makes a lot of sense i didn't put the pieces together before i do look like an owl i have the biggest head if you meet me in person you'll wow what size is your hat what's your hat uh 10 inches 10 i mean is it what is it like seven and five eights you will you get eight over there i literally don't wear hats i don't wear hats because they're all too tight you just wear pants on your head call it a hat yeah i do that or like

put like shorts and put a belt around yeah like a do-rag you have a pretty giant head as well yeah mexican though we all got big pumpkin heads. Is that why Mexicans have such good chins in boxing? It all makes sense now. They're like Homer in that episode of The Simpsons where you got that extra little bit of fluid between your brain and the skull. Maybe it is.

Maybe it is. When Trump gets the wall up, we're just going to run at it like rhinoceroses and knock it down with our giant heads. When Trump gets the wall up. Who's the Mexican president? Vincent Fox, I think. Vicente. No, it's not Vicente Fox. He went out of office in 06, I think.

Pinedo. Is that his name? Yeah, I thought I read something from the current president, or maybe it was Vicente Fox. I don't know. I'm a little drunk now. But he was saying they're renegotiating NAFTA, the North American Free Trade Agreement. And he was saying that one thing that he's trying to get done is, I guess, legalizing marijuana for all of North America.

And, you know, he was like... Man, the Mexican president has that kind of pull. So I'm excited to see what he does. Well, I mean, Canada's already done it. You know, like maybe... Democrats are running on that platform for the midterms. They're not, though. Oh, that's what I've seen, though.

She said that what they want to do is make it a states' right issue. But they're certainly not talking about legalization or decriminalization or anything like that. It's pretty upsetting. And that's if they win the Senate, which is an impossibility. That's not going to happen.

Man, it's awesome in California now that everything's legal. Do you want to bet? I mean, is it awesome? Do you go there and get cool pot sodas and things? Kyle and I and Chiz, who you know, we went a couple years ago to Colorado, and I was blown away by the

kinds of products they can put marijuana in. I don't know what I was expecting. I just thought it would be a bunch of regular weed. Can I ask an edible question? They sell sodas. They sell mints. They sell pills you can take. It's insane.

So someone wrote me and said, Woody, the reason there are pot brownies and not pot everything else is because pot actually tastes pretty bad. And brownies is one of the few things that can mask it. And pot brownies are not as good as regular brownies because they use a really disgusting butter. That is true. I got a pot cookie when I was in Colorado, and it did not taste... Like, if somebody gave me that cookie,

I wouldn't take a bite and be like, this is a subpar cookie. I'd be like, oh, this has pot in it. You gotta cram it down uh we switched my girlfriend and i switched to only doing like gummy edibles where you just swallow it uh because it does taste because yeah they can't make pot things taste good yet yeah because pot tastes bad yeah because it's it's the butter like it's the lipids in the butter that absorb the chemical the thc and so that has an it's a it's a it permeates

the entire of whatever it is you're eating and it has a very distinct and disgusting flavor yeah yeah it's uh it's pretty fucking nasty um you can use butter or you can use uh coconut oil which actually has a higher saturated fat content it is more effective but um but yeah it's it's it's not a it's not a good flavor at all it has the same issue no way creatine's fine no like i so i used to work with g fuel and uh of course they built they had like these pre-workout drinks and creatine and post-workout drinks and they really told me all about all the different testing they do the different flavors and you couldn't do some of the flavors they did with the gamer drinks with the creatine drinks because creatine... Sorry, gamer drinks?

Yeah, they would have... You say gamer drinks? It's pretty much a caffeinated drink. Dude, if you're going to sit there and move your fingers really fast, you need caffeine. You need energy. Yeah, and high-performance fabric in your t-shirt. So... Yeah, so anyway, the gamer drinks, the sky was the limit. They're doing like cherry mango, whatever.

But for the creatine drinks, they could only do a couple because it tastes bad. Real quick before we jump into something else. It has been well over half an hour. And because it was so soon after the last drink, another rule was anytime someone plays a video, they have to drink when you played a video. But let's all pour one up. I got to say, we're really making some progress here. Kyle, you got to slow down a little bit. I would love to play my Maddox show hijack for you guys a little later, if you don't mind.

I thought it was pretty fucking funny. I would love to do that. That would be fun. Play that music box. that that would be fun play that music box i've uh i've followed your shit for uh i've followed your stuff for a for a long time dick and you i have to give you credit you introduced me to sam hyde who you had on your show like a year and a half ago and at the time i was listening to it and he was talking about the yellow knight sketch and i was like yeah who the fuck is this guy and what is he drinking over there like he would get on his own his own shit in the car

are you mad men did you take that from don draper's fucking liquor cabinet what the over here with his are you gonna throw a pie at somebody woody is that? Are you going to throw a pie at somebody, Woody? Is that holy water? Has that been blessed? What is that? It's a holy hand grenade. In the car. It goes in the car.

Just get that fucking car. I put the Grand Gala in there so that it would play music every time I took a drink. Great. Hey, Woody, do you have anybody that you'd box box online you got any beefs that you'd box or or you know for charity whatever um you know i challenged keemstar once and he tried to put someone else in his place oh did you really yeah no shit why uh keemstar used to pick on my children all the time and and he would lie about me. Yeah. So I don't really like that guy.

And I was like, all right, let's do it. It was going to be MMA, not boxing, by the way. This was back like 20, what year was this? When he picked on my kids, that was like 10 through 15 or something. A nice five-year window. Yeah, yeah. It was like forever. And once Keemstar he started getting

really big like he maybe four years ago three years ago he stopped talking about me yeah because it would almost help me in that case so he cut it out but um i offered to fight him in mma like a couple years ago like not even like six months ago and uh he's like i won't do it but you could fight this guy that guy overt flow who would totally kick my ass and i was like uh no thank you so uh that's all i got really yeah that's a good reason yeah overt flow was fighting in the uh on the undercard of the logan paul fight he got knocked the fuck out with a liver punch he did yeah it was gonna be mma though and overt flow years ago was a purple belt in brazilian jitsu If people don't know that, that's really legit

And I suspect he's more now He threw down a nice little trip In a boxing match He listens to every show So he'll hear this I wouldn't want to fight him in MMA He'd beat the shit out of me I think he's bigger than me too

So you're an MMA guy? As you age age without notification athletic abilities are just taken from you so uh you can tell me about it i've tried to take up tennis recently with my girlfriend and i look like a retarded cat trying to bury shit on a frozen bond out there really you look like a great tennis body monster you know what's like a real andre agassi yeah i see the agassi yeah early i look like i look like macho man randy savage with a bandana tan around with a little tiny tennis racket that looks like a fucking ping pong paddle when i'm out there the worst part is my father drilled into my head playing tennis when i was a kid. He tried to Tiger Woods me

in the sport of tennis. This kid's gonna be a superstar with tennis, whatever. So I have a childhood of intense training that is all wasted but still in the neural pathways of my brain as I'm just flubbing

shot after shot after shot like a goddamn invalid out there are you so bad you can't beat your own girlfriend in in tennis I mean the contest is not certain I I saw a video of a guy doing um endless front handsprings I don't endless maybe did like seven of them or something. And that's the thing that teenage Woody used to be able to do, just front handsprings. Really?

Yeah, like for, I don't know how many. I think I did 17 in a row one time. No version of me has ever been able to do handsprings. Well, the current version of me can't do shit either. There's no way. I could do one front handspring. You could do a hockey version of me could do the splits.

I could do the splits so easy. What about now? Oh, well, because I played goalie in ice hockey and so like if you want to play competitively you have to be able to get into the splits and cover the entire net with your legs in a pinch and i was i was so fucking flexible at the time like i do flexibility exercises and like maybe two three years ago no at this point it's probably five years ago like i was like man i used to be able to do the splits really easy. Let me see how far I can get now. And I got to when Dennis is

wearing cut-off jean shorts in that episode of Sunny. That level of spread before, I was like, oh my god. Whatever tendons are doing this have tightened up. You've got old man legs now. Either use it or lose it. It just keeps coming.

The problem with losing athletic ability is there's no real notification. So you can assume, like, oh, yeah, splits are a thing I can do. I've always grown up being able to do splits. It's a talent of mine. And then you're just unceremoniously corrected in that. I have a topic here. Go on. I saw this earlier in the week and it

really tickled me all right um there are over 1 billion chinese people but uh them it's impressive that that that rate of reproduction however i'll just read here from newsweek by the way newsweek all right a good a good source a Chinese married couple who were desperately trying to conceive learned that they had been having sex the wrong way for four years. The young pair, whose identities have been kept anonymous, went to see an obstetrician, Liu Hongmei, after the woman failed to get pregnant despite having sex on a regular basis, reported the evening news. During their appointment, the woman admitted that sex was usually painful, which prompted Lou to perform a gynecological examination. Her shits have gotten much easier.

The couple were very young. 26 and 24. 26 and 24. And they were very healthy, but despite being married for four years, they could not conceive, and their family was giving them a lot of stress because of it.

The results were unexpected. However, Lou discovered that the couple had mistakenly been having anal sex rather than vaginal to conceive. He's been fucking her in the ass for four, count them, four years, and they're surprised they haven't had a butthole baby yet. Well, because do you think he was ever confused?

Yes, they were both confused. Like the first time he tried that when she's like, oh, I want to have a baby. You want to put the baby in me? And he was like, oh, I do that for you, sweetheart. And he passed. He doesn't want a baby, so he slips it in her ass. I like this version. Expecting her to go like, expecting her to be like, oh, that's not the way you want a baby so he slips it in her ass expecting her to go like

expecting her to be like oh they're not the way you make a baby you fool like but she didn't do that he slipped in her ass and she went with it and so he goes i don't have to have a chick or a kid with this chick i can just keep pumping ass all the time if you if anyone really thinks that this guy didn't know what he was doing and now he. And now he's sitting in the doctor's office like, actually, Seung, you've been having anal sex. And he goes, oh, this can't be true.

I am almost entirely sure which hole to fuck. I never mix it up. It's always the same. We need a second opinion. We need a second opinion about this. It's vaguely believable that she doesn't watch porn but i'm not buying that he made it to 26 without seeing where you fuck he's in fucking china he's in fucking china i bet i bet that shit you've seen that blurred porn that they got it no it's literally that's japan but yeah we all know where all of asia they like animals no

like it doesn't matter how old they are. Like, a hamster knows where to put its head. A family of wolves embarrassingly has anal for five years, so they don't have little pups. It's like, no, you know. That guy knew every time he slipped into a brown hole that he was not going to give her a baby. And he even, like, flipped her on her back real quick afterwards, and none of it dripped down and mistakenly got in.

This guy knew what he was doing, this sneaky little... little telling her like she comes home and says like my friends say you got to put it in vagina and he's like no that's american fucking propaganda you don't this is the way we do it this is the way you do it to have a boy i like this version i have a joke about that so there's three women's three women. They're waiting to get their hair cut. And the one says, I am sure they're all pregnant. I'm going to have a boy because when I had sex, I was on top. And the other says, I'm going to have a girl because when we conceived, I was on the bottom. And the third one starts to cry and she's upset and they try to console her.

And they say, what's wrong? What's wrong? And she says, we're going to have a puppy. I thought you were going to say they're going to have a black baby because he fucked her in the ass. No. Everybody has to drink casual racism. Wait a minute. Your entire

Chinese voice rant was casual racism. It was overt racism. I suppose we have to make it two drinks, no? We gotta follow the rules! We gotta drink for five minutes after that fucking casualty racist man. This is our fourth shot, I think? Uh, this is like my seventh.

This is Woody's third, I think. And then Kyle, you're... There was three in here! I didn't think I'd have to be telling anybody to slow down, but Kyle, you may want to pace yourself. You've got your liquor on. It's so fucking stupid. I love... You put it perfectly.

That's such a boomer thing to have. It's such a fucking boomer drink. I don't know what that means. Like baby boomer? Yeah. Dude, I'm a big fan of the boomer memes coming around recently.'re hilarious if the minions had liquor they that's what they would deliver it to you in i guess they would be baby boomers i think yeah all right picture yeah either baby boomer or silent generation 75 now maybe You know the silent generation

Never gets any shit You know Like nobody ever talks shit on them I guess it's cause it's just too long ago We all forgot Yeah cause they won't shut up about beating the Nazis And every time no matter what you hit them with It's like yeah well we beat Hitler

So what are you guys gonna do about that Really you were making spoons In a factory 32 hours a week yeah yeah you really contributed a beaten Hitler we did win we're like three hours in right we're not I'm not one hour I'm feeling pretty rough but you have to dig deep, Kyle. You've got to feel the liquor burn in you and reach up and grab you and pull all of your cells

in like Dr. Manhattan. This is when the liquor consumes you. See, the way you want to pace your drinking, as Kyle has shown, is you want to be needing your second wind 54 minutes in the show. That's what you want. Well, this episode of PKA is sponsored by our friends over at Squarespace.

Whether you need a domain, website, or online store, make your next move to Squarespace. With easy-to-use tools, you can create a beautiful website. With Squarespace, it's all in one platform. There's nothing to install, patch, or upgrade ever. You can create a beautiful website or online store with an award-winning template. Squarespace's award-winning templates are the most beautiful way

to represent your ideas online. Squarespace's award-winning templates are the most beautiful way to represent your ideas online. Squarespace also offers a unique domain experience. It's fully transparent and simple to set up. They're trusted by millions of people and some of the most respected brands in the world. Squarespace is used by a wide range of creatives and people, including musicians, designers, artists, restaurants, and more.

Everybody needs their own corner of the internet today. So get started and start your free trial today at squarespace.com slash pka to get 10% off your first purchase at squarespace.com slash PKA. Begin the next move in your career today with Squarespace. Check them out. Don't spend $30,000 on a website when you could simply go to Squarespace and build it on your own. Very easy. The modules are simple to move around. I don't know anything about building a website, and I went over there and messed around with it,

and it was very, very easy. Yep, yep. When I was selling titty milk a couple years ago, I used Squarespace. We sold so much fucking titty milk. I made, I think, 800. Tilt, yeah. Yeah, yeah, tilt.

Well, what's that? Titty milk? Yeah, yeah. So basically, I hired eight attractive women and you were able to, they were all lactating and they had been working and there's a whole business model where women sell their breast milk to women who can't provide it. Kind of like Mad Max. And they get paid pretty well. Exactly like that.

But you did this? yeah but but i knew that like there was definitely a market for human breast milk that didn't involve babies at all it's better than regular breast milk it's and if you found attractive women to to to to sort of model their breast milk i I knew that it would really take off. So basically found eight really hot women, you know, a hot redhead, a hot blonde, a black chick, and you could buy Teresa's breast milk or Rebecca's breast milk or Jenny's breast milk. And we... Elena.

Yeah. Oh, I'd suck the breast milk. I... Oh, and she's able to contribute to the business now. Would you look at that? Just like that scene from fucking Color Purpose where they're like, yeah, and they're milking her. And she's crying. And there's this breast milk spraying everywhere.

What movie is this? I've never heard of it. The Color Purpose. Did you have like a guide to kind of round, like a token guide to round it out? No. Yeah, that was me. Taylor. But yeah. I made my own milk. Smaller quantities, but was me. Ah, Taylor! I made my own milk.

Smaller quantities, but more potent. I sold over $800,000 worth of breast milk over the course of maybe a year and a half. It was a very nice venture. Ended up selling the company to Nabisco. Made a bundle. None of that's true. Yeah.

I have a story. I got that part at the end. When Nabisco was like, man, you know, this guy's got the breast milk market on lock. We've got to get him involved. Buy it out. Go on Shark Tank with that thing. Hey, look, everybody. Mark Cuban, I know you like titty milk.

You seem like a titty milk kind of guy. This is the ultimate maverick disruptor in milk. You know what I dislike about Shark Tank, which I didn't, I haven't watched that much, but I did watch, like I watched, I watched YouTube clips of it before, and

I actually spent some time looking up the net worth of all the panelists, and all but one of them is pathetic like mark cuban is the only kind of dude it's the only guy on there who can be like yeah here's here's 10 mil take it you know do something he's the only one the rest of them it's like really influential people who are worth like 50 million to 100 million like maybe a quarter bill at the most that's pretty high but you're not but they're grouping them up there with mark cuban and so you're assuming these are all billionaire titans

it's like what this guy's a fashion mogul and he has 60 million dollars to his name that's impressive but not enough to be on a show about it that's why they're sitting that's why mr wonderful is sitting there going i don't know if i can invest in this. No shit, dude. Your own businesses aren't doing that well. Anyway. That's not very topical. A lot of times they just need a couple hundred thousand dollars or $100,000. I've watched a lot of that show. Whenever I hang out with Chiz,

he likes to watch that show. I'm not that big of a fan of it, but I've seen a bunch of it. It's pretty cool. I like seeing the ones who do really well like ring uh the the doorbell company the the video doorbell thing that sponsored us yeah yeah i think that started on uh on that show huh yeah i just like that is it that it exists yeah i like seeing people do presentations i don't know what you know like trying like trying to sell. This is your conspiracy episode.

Wait, what? I put a presentation together about how the plane in Pennsylvania, Pennsylvania 9-11 was shot down by the U.S. government. So the explanation to Dick, we did a bit about conspiracy theories where we would bring in a conspiracy theory and not be like in a supposedly this and supposedly like we would present it as fact like the way a conspiracy theorist would actually do it yeah and uh it was a resounding success kyle did the holocaust uh what he did uh uh that Kyle did. That was satisfying. Woody, you did a flight. What number? The flight that ran into the Pentagon or some shit.

Woody's point was that they shot down Flight 92 or 97, whatever it was. And then mine was that all these gas attacks from Assad are a false flag to get us embroiled in yet another Middle Eastern conflict that doesn't benefit us. And you know, at the end of it, I don't feel like I learned anything. Nope, not a damn thing.

You know, I love the Flat Earth guys for only this reason. Like, they put together these endless presentations on, like, their flawed research and their idiotic concepts, but, like, even just presenting the idea to a normal person will make them have a uh a seizure in like a screen autistic screeching seizure in front of you that's the point though that's why it's fun no see that's the here's the thing about the flat earth thing and i've i've done a lot of research on this and and i've they're trolls yeah i, I really have. They're trolls.

It's totally trolls. Nobody believes that shit. No, no, no. Some people believe it, but the vast majority are absolutely trolls, and they're just messing with you, because they want you to be like, uh-uh, and then start, like, proving your point. Yeah, spurting out. Because they're sitting over there...

Because they can't explain it. Like, a regular person cannot explain why they're wrong, and they just get so fucking angry that they can't explain it. A regular person cannot explain why they're wrong, and they just get so fucking angry that they can't do it. I love it. I just don't get, like, why is every other planet round? Yeah, right. I've seen them talk about that. They're like, well, yeah, Mars is definitely round.

Yeah, it is for sure. Just not Earth. We're flat. But we're this fun disk with ice caps that surround the outside. The only one. You can't go past the ice cap wall. It's like, well, we've done that, and you end up back somewhere else on the other side of the world. I do think they're all trolls.

Yeah, mostly trolls. Okay, 90, 95% trolls. Maybe 1 in 20, actually. I think it's a core troll with an idiot frosting on the outside. Yeah, absolutely. And the idiot frostings are the same idiots who buy into everything. Yeah. Who's the basketball player that believed in Flat Earth?

Was it Kyrie Irving? Something like that? Wow, a basketball player bought into it? Man. Casual racism. Have a drink. a world peace? Casual racism, have a drink.

Nobody should give a fuck what athletes think about things. Kyrie Irving, I had it right. That's what I kind of like about the NHL is that so few of the good players can speak English, they don't pollute discourse with their nonsense. They'll be like, how do you think you did tonight, Sergei?

It was a good game, mostly. Also bad when they score. It's like, thanks, Sergei. You get back to the locker room. I enjoy that. I enjoy the candor I get from foreigners. What do you call anyone not from America? Let's go with foreigners. Just foreigners.

Woody, that's not offensive. You can say people are foreigners. I guess they are. You could just call them soon-to-be Americans. They're differently Americaned people. Differently Americaned. Yeah, I watch these things, and they just tell a certain truth about their highs and lows that Americans might gloss over, and I enjoy that about foreigners in general.

All right. How many shots are we in? I thought you were counting. Is it three or four? I think it's one of those. Well, this was three. I'm going to finish this, and that'll put me at like

seven, I think. No, you're at six. Oh, we've only done three as a group. Correct. All right, let me finish these. You've got that Captain Jack Sparrow pointing, everything is a pointer vibe going on. That's a key stage of the liquor.

No matter what you're holding in your hand, it is something to point with. I don't know if it's Dick's experience with alcohol, but every time you mention it, like your little alcohol truths on your show, I'm like, oh, he's so right. I could talk forever about alcohol. You're Alka-smart.

You have a subject matter expert. Or are you moving to pot? Because you were saying you're going to pills and things like that. No, that's... We were talking about the legalization of marijuana, and it has taken – like the legalization of marijuana has taken my drinking from a raging alcoholism problem to like a minor inconvenience. minor inconvenience because i will just i'll hit a i'll hit like an oil vape pen or whatever and i'll be totally fine for hours and that that bug to just pound liquor goes away or is lessened it's the it's the damnedest fucking thing legalizing weed in california has increased my health, heart health, liver health, brain health, like overall liquor health

by an incredible amount. Are you noticing weight loss and better fitness shit too? Well, no, because I get high and I eat two bags of chips. Fair enough. And a salami. Go ahead, Kyle.

I have a video to watch. Uh, everybody's got a drink. We're watching a video. We have to do that? You guys are like taking shots. I have this written down as a drink. Take drinks of your mixed drink. That's what this is meant to be. Kyle, hold that up.

We started with a new bottle, you and me. I think you're a little ahead of me. Yeah, I am. Yeah. Am I that behind, Kyle? Well, there were three in the mixed drink, and then I kept pace with you on the shots. We're going to measure. We're going to pour out the remainder when we're done into a measuring cup and see who wins.

We're not doing any kind of measuring. Last time we did a drinking episode, that one we were watching a clip from, I got so drunk, and I have shit to do on Friday mornings. I got so drunk. Work? Work? He has a real job.

I fell asleep without my retainer in, and I chipped a fucking tooth. I was so drunk. Oh, you're a grinder? Are you a grinder? Dude. Big time? If you were to...

What are you saying? My dentist. My dentist has told me Oh, you're a grinder? Are you a grinder? Dude, if you were to... My dentist. My dentist has told me. He's like a... Oh my god, Woody. My last three drinking... Like, the last three times I've drank have all been drinking episodes.

I don't drink at all, ever. That's not my thing. I'm like a 16-year-old girl on this show. I grind so bad, my dentist told me my dentist is like 60 he's seen some mouths he goes you he goes he was all right so his his explanation he's like all right so for every about 50 years a human is alive you'll grind down about a millimeter of tooth you're 27 and there are two and a half millimeters ground down on your molars which means you have the molars of 125 year old

and i was like well that doesn't sound good and it also sounds expensive and he's like right on both counts sir and so like they rebuilt all this shit and got my bite better which i don't grind as bad anymore but but I still do. But he also told me, he was like, do you feel these muscles here? These masseter muscles, like what you use to chew? You have the largest masseter muscles I've ever seen on anyone. Like, your bite force is nearing crocodile.

Give me a piece of bamboo. Bite right through it. No problem. My teeth, like my jaw. You don't want to put a finger in my mouth. It would be fine because your teeth are smooth like a baby's gums. Did you do that? Did you have to put your fingers in your mouth? No, I didn't have to put my finger in my mouth. In his mouth. Did he put his finger in your mouth and then you put your finger in his mouth?

Well, yeah, that's how like a dentist trip is, right? Yeah. Like you, you know, he says, do you feel this here? Feel it on mine. And then you stick your finger in his mouth and you go feel these points here. And he goes, go a little deeper. And I go, I'm feeling your uvula. And he goes, that's still important.

Keep going. You know, we've all been to the dentist. You know, we've all been to the dentist. This is like how kids describe being molested at Catholic church. Like, yeah, and I was a boy. And then you went back there and he told you to get naked to like purify yourself for Christ. And it was like, well, yeah, you all got naked for the priest, right? Like he has to he has to suck the demons out of your penis.

That's where it comes from. But he washes it off. He washes it off. Yeah, of course. Have you, uh, I saw something the other day. Do you know that, like, there's an ancient circumcision ritual that, like, rabbis still do, mostly in New York, where they cut the skin, like, they cut

the foreskin off, and then they suck with their mouth on the penis. And they they cut the foreskin off, and then they suck with their mouth. Alright, so first of all, that's to stop the bleeding. And second of all, we've covered that three times before on this show. Yes, of course. The cock sucking oil. The kids have died from STDs. Kids have died from STDs because they get an STD

from the rabbi who apparently isn't chaste. Which they don't have to be because they're rabbis, not priests. Pretty fucked. I get a lot of pussy. What can I say? Casual racism. I knew it. I knew it.

No, don't pour another shot, Kyle. I was joking. You're good. You're good for now. Thank God. My buddy just had a kid. He just had a son, and he opted not to circumcise. Two thumbs up.

Good for him. Yeah, that's what i said too but it's like it's like a very weird it's a very weird feeling for somebody to go against the circumcision meme dude dick this was this was my rage to call into your show it was circumcision apologists people who all will still call in with it every time i will every time people like you bring up circumcision there's always one dude always one dude at least who had his dick skin cut who's like oh it's good it makes it look better it's this and that and it's like why are you so fucking frantic what are you in a dick beauty pageant motherfucker what are you talking about we can all agree that they do look better circumcised right like i've had plastic surgery i have had penile enhancement

right that other people haven't they're they fucking look like a a scared turtle meanwhile i am proud of my penis we're not going down the dick rabbit hole again all right we've done this five fucking times in this show cut it it looks better all right same with your big ass nasty labia you dirty whores this is the exact same thing that i'm talking about and i know that you don't like you want labia clipped i want labia clipped and i want assholes pristine there's look i won't say who it is but there was a there's a girl that uh i enjoy watching her clips and giftsifs and videos online. Would I know who this is?

Probably. And she's begun getting more extreme with the toys that she uses on herself online. And she has done something to her asshole to the point where I'm no longer on board. She has like a raisin, a flesh-colored raisin on her asshole now, and I'm just, I'm out. I'm out, Roy. Are you talking like a growth or something like that? Yeah, Woody, that one. Yeah, it looks

awful. It looks gross. And she's like, watch me fuck my asshole again. And I'm just like, no. I stopped watching because she fucked her asshole so much it became an ugly gross asshole with a raisin of extra skin

on the edge of it. Because she was so brutal to it with all kinds of crazy toys. It's a skin tag. It's a gamer tag. It's a gamer tag. She was too extreme with the anal penetration. Speaking of anal, I got a video here.

Oh, I know. I see the segue. I'm ready. Is everyone queued up at zero? Yeah. Is it nasty AF man losing? Yes. Yep, yep, yep.

Ready, set, play. Desmond, drive home. You see the dick Yep. Ready? Set. Play. There's been drive. Oh, you see it there. She done shit it on herself. Oh, you ready? Oh,

no. Oh, I'm fucking around the wall. Damn it. Oh, wait. Oh, God. god damn all right for those of you who are listening uber has this thing where you can carpool you can like like like carpool uber ride with people and this chick this the man is complaining because the chick next to him has, quote unquote, shitted on herself. And she, while grinning, shows him her ass. And he's like, no, no, no.

And then she shows it to the camera. And she has not only shat her pants, she has shat through her pants. All right. Dude, Kyle. I thought she pulled her pants down. She did not shat her pants. She shit her pants. There was not a little bit of squirt.

There was not an emergency incoming. There was poop. Logs of poop in her ass. Kyle's right. I thought I was looking at a bare ass with poop on it. But no, that is through the pants. That's shorts, man. Yeah, I wouldn't do that to you.

There's no nudity being shown there. She has shat through fabric. There's so much. You know that there is shit in her pussy. She is smiling about it like a fucking degenerate

uber pant shitter would. If you guys are wondering why I had to leave the show 10 minutes in imagine that she looks exactly like the kind of person who would shit her pants in a new really i see old white guy like the guy that um i see that beat up amberland she's a big fat person like i always assume the poopers are gonna be big big, fat people. Taylor, don't fucking poop shame people. Everybody poops, motherfucker. It's a mixture of liquor and overconfidence.

That's how you shit your pants. It happens to everybody. It happens to hot broads all the time. It happens to hot guys, to built guys. It happens to these two people in the Uber. It happens to it happens to these two people in the uber a friend of mine Who was a friend of mine? Who's a reasonably attractive woman? She always tells a story where she shit her pants in traffic because of all the things I just mentioned and then a guy

Walked up to her and hit on her in her car while she was she had moved a bunch of newspapers so she was sitting on newspapers in a traffic jam with shit in her pants trying to get this guy to stop hitting on her. Hey baby we know stuff goes out does anything go in? Yeah. And he didn't know but he's like yeah guys why spell Mexican? I would not want to see my first reaction around a woman who shit her pants wouldn't be like yeah this is an easy target like no it would be that this is

the kind of person who shits themselves in public we've all had moments where you're driving home in traffic or something and you're like oh my god this might be it this might be the time i shit my pants and but you always make it home i don't shit my pants. But you always make it home. I don't know what it is, but you always make it home, even if you have to wait. Wait a minute. You might not make it to the toilet, though. You do.

I don't always make it. You make it out of the car. Dick, real quick. Yeah. When was the last time you had an accident in that way? What is it, Thursday? The last time I shit my pants i think was a dodger stadium opening day two years ago the day after that and how old are you right now i'm 37

i'm good for every other year i'm good for a biennial pants shitting or biannually whatever it is every other year how about you semi-annually yeah no doubly like every two years i'm good for one one great pants shit i don't think i've ever full-on shit my pants the last time i like came really close was it actually ties into a different story because my, uh, my friends and I freshman year in our dorm, we had a beard growing contest and I won and it was, we shaved freshman year college asshole.

And, uh, I, I, I shaved it down to a Hitler mustache because that was funny. And then my friend said, you should go to class with a Hitler mustache because that was funny. And then my friend said, you should go to class with a Hitler mustache.

And I was like, that's also funny. But when you don't realize that that funniness becomes not funny about 200 yards from your dorm when people are like, who the fuck is this guy walking around with a Hitler mustache on the way to class? And you can only sit there in class for a Hitler mustache

before people start giving you looks. And this class was the closest one to my dorm it was like maybe 300 yards and i got there i was sitting there with my hitler mustache got some looks and felt uncomfortable but more than the uncomfortable i got that uh that gurgling that in the the lower part of my stomach that like showing that action was soon to come. And so I got up early, left the class. And I was like, I only live 300 yards from here.

I can have a very comfortable shit in my own place, as opposed to a less comfortable one with the worst toilet paper here. And so I'm like, I'm going to, I'm going to quick walk it back. I can't run or I'm going to shit myself. So I got a quick shit, the shit promenade

where you put your arms like a duck where you walk like a golden girl the high shouldered thing where you're like trying to keep it together I was high shouldered walking back there and about 150 yards into it I go oh my god I'm gonna shit my pants and there are hundreds of people around

because I went to Mizzou. There's like 40,000 people that go to that university. And I made it back to my dorm, almost about to shit myself. I remember, I remember this vividly, taking my card and missing the slot to get into the building because I

was shaking because I had to poop so bad. I got through, into the building. I ran to my room, and as I i got through into the building i ran to my room and as i was sliding it into the key card into my room i felt something come out i felt a i felt a couple nuggets start to tumble and so i opened it sprinted in and and shit and i was so paranoid that there were shit nuggets like a like a rabbit trail to where i was thank god i got up and there was nothing the most satisfying shit isn't it it's so wonderful to get that hot sweaty shit out when you've just been like like it

like like a two-hour drive had to take place between now and when you could shit and it was 100 liquid have you ever seen when they open dams to release the pressure now and when you could shit. And it was 100% liquid. Have you ever seen when they open dams to release the pressure? Yeah. And it's just... Just enormous plumes of it. Yeah, Woody knows what I'm saying. You gotta flush twice.

Pour the contents of your colon into that bowl. And there's a lot of splashing. Very rarely is a shit hard enough that you can look down 10 seconds later and see waves like a tide simulator in the toilet two years ago i'm flying my paramotor in this like race around all of florida and uh on the first leg of it i don't know i just maybe a little nervous maybe wasn't feeling my best trusted a fart it was not trustworthy and i lied to myself for a couple minutes like yeah no that was just a fart you're cool woody it's

not a problem you did the poop denial we've all been there and then it's like why is it you gotta check it why does my butt feel so lubricated my butt is not normally this lubricated but what could that be i do recall a questionable fart and uh then i ran out of gas in the middle of the sky in the middle of fucking nowhere uh landed downwind in the cow field and um but i was all by myself so i took my underwear off i used it as toilet paper and left it with the cows and continued on with the race. Yeah, I'll never forget hunting with my dad. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

We can't skip past this so quickly. You landed your plane in a field and then wiped your ass with your underpants and then rode in a field and left? Yeah. Improvise, adapt, and overcome, bitch. That's what you Yeah. Improvise, adapt, and overcome, bitch. That's what you do. Improvise, adapt, overcome. I've never heard anybody use that as a way to explain away landing in someone else's field, shitting their pants.

It's the back real sway. Yeah, I remember stumbling upon one of my dad's crazy shits on a hunt one time. We were hunting, and we were there in the were hunting and we had we were there in the afternoon and he had already been there in the morning and he'd had an emergency shit and i and i came upon this this mess there must be a bear around here exactly i was like you know i've got my rifle and i'm like i come upon it and it's like this awful pile of shit right and and like i can't tell but there's something else in there and what it is is his socks and i'm like because because he didn't wear underwear he doesn't wear underwear he goes

commando and i'm just like oh god i've done that before that's the ultimate like hey that's the ultimate mansplain to your dad like hey buddy uh this is why we wear underwear. Exactly why you're experiencing this. This is why we have it. It's emergency toilet paper. And you guys aren't using your socks. The socks are the true emergency toilet paper. Like, with my ex, I was out there with her and her dad shooting once in a very hilly area. And there aren't any trees around.

It was just a hilly desert area. And there's a large sloping hill. And we were on one side of it. And I was like, if I don't make a decision right now, I'm going to shit my pants. And we are 40 miles from the closest toilet. And so I was like, told them, them i'm gonna go over that hill do not come to the apex of that hill do not follow me do not come for me let me go and they were like okay and so i went over the hill and squatted and thankfully took my socks off beforehand and poured out the most vile, liquidy shit into the environment there.

Some terrible, like some deformed hedgehogs or something are coming out of it now. And I took my socks, you put them over your hand, you give it a wipe, and then you invert the sock over the shit, and then you leave it in the wilderness. Sure. That's the move when you have to shit. I didn't get away you leave it in the wilderness sure that's that's the move when you have to shit i didn't get away with my poop in the cow thing like wait why well so first i carried my paramotor out and left my wing behind and there was this woman who was kind of like my partner in this race and she walked back with me to get the wing that we got away with actually because the underwear it's not like i threw it 300 yards away i didn't carry it to some i thought i was already

in a desolate area that that was going to revisit for three years or something what kind of underwear you thought you were solid they were boxers by jockey or something i don't know what color black so anyway um we go out we get the wing good quality i'm like hiding poop this girl's not gonna see that this underwear sitting like 15 feet from us you know like i'm gonna get away with this and i do right we get the wing we bring it back like i don't know 30 minutes later we realized we left a tent there and it's such a long walk i'm briefly hoping they're like fuck it no but that's not how it went down we went back and we got the tent and she's like what is that over there and i'm like that's nothing that is not the shit you were looking at. Cow shit. Cow shit. That's even the second thing I was like.

Cow shit. I didn't know bears ate spinach and corn. I did. I told her. She's like, no, right there. And I was like, I think it's a cow patty, right? But we're only like eight feet from it. You can see what it is.

Is it still wet? Is it still shitty? I think it just looks like a pile of underwear. No, your underwear is there! That's what we're looking at. Yeah, we're looking at the underwear. Must be some kind of fucking hobo loose in this region, shitting in his underwear. It says Woody on the underwear.

That's what it means to me. Because we weren't that far away. The tent was like eight feet from the soiled underwear. And I'm like, all right, that's my underwear. I trusted a fart I shouldn't have. I just had to completely come clean. Oh, no, you have to deny it till the end. It's not the right.

I'll deny, deny. You're probably right. They're not going to send that shit to 23andMe and, you know, invite you on this. Just deny, deny, deny. Did you shit your pants? Woody, aren't you the only... Hey, everybody, show the band of your underwear.

Show that you didn't shit. Yeah, I got totally busted on that one. I shit in the... I've told this before. What did they say? Oh, go ahead. Oh, she was understanding, I guess. And once she found out what it was, she just kind of moved on to the new topic.

I shit outdoors in the St. Louis Botanical Gardens on a senior year of high school trip. And that's where people get married in really nice places. And I had to poop so bad. And the only bathroom I could find was under literal construction, not like some Hispanic dude in there cleaning it, like literal construction.

You couldn't use it. And so I went in the middle of a huge crowd. I could hear the concert music playing as I went under a large willow tree, and I thought that the willow branches were enough coverage, and I shit my brains out under a willow tree 30 yards from crowds of people watching a concert and I used my own underwear to wipe and when I left there realizing that nobody saw me I felt like James Bond I felt so cool like uh like I I figured someone would catch me and nobody did like people aren't on the lookout for public shitters. Did I ever... Do you guys know the story about when I shit in my dad's underpants?

I would love to hear it. It's like a meme from my show. My dad lent me... My dad lent me some of his underpants when I was over at my parents' house. I was swimming, and I went swimming in my underpants or my shorts or whatever. And so when I came back in the house, my dad gave me some of his underwear and late at night I felt, uh, I felt the poop fairy come on and give me a fuck, give me a little flutter on the poop flute. And I ran into the

bathroom. It was like, ah, fuck. I shit in my dad's underwear god damn it um i'll take him home i'll clean him or something like that i'll figure it out uh i never did i just threw him in with the wash but i told the story on the podcast that my dad listens to so my dad and my mom are going on a trip as they're listening to the podcast where i'm talking about when I shit in my dad's underwear. And he's like, well, what? That son of a bitch. Which underwear was it? So he's like, all of a sudden he starts getting that paranoid feeling of,

I can feel that there's something wrong with this underwear. So he tears through all of his luggage and it starts throwing away any underwear that he might think uh was the pair of underwear that i ruined yeah yeah that i ruined and i i didn't i never told on the show um at the time that i hadn't put it that i hadn't put it back because i re uh re-borrowed the underwear but i actually have my poop landing on camera can i can we watch it on camera landing yeah i don't know i just thought it'd be fun to show now you can watch this again knowing that uh i'm uh i'm paused at 12 58 yeah i time stamped it there it we'll watch it for maybe 30 seconds and you can see the landing are you guys ready yep ready set play it ran for maybe 30 seconds and you can see the landing. Are you guys ready? Yep.

Ready, set, play. It ran for like five seconds. So at this point, I decide that making it over the trees is too risky. And I'm going to land with a tailwind. I already pooped at this point. How fast was I getting close? The poop is out. Listen. Holy shit, this is fast.

That's it there is no worse feeling than having to take a shit and not being able to yeah there's no worse feeling on earth like you holding a piss no big deal i can do that for hours holding a shit like it's always uncomfortable it's the worst no one likes holding the shit we gotta like inject the shit into every member of congress when they go in there like all right you guys you can't get out until you start getting this getting approving bills or whatever you gotta do and you've all gotta you've all gotta no bathroom breaks until marijuana's legalized. Yeah, and we're all gonna inject a fucking hot pocket of shit up your ass

before you go in there. Is that necessary? Could they just work it out the next few hours? I want semi-violent ushers on the floor of the Senate and the House who can walk up and down the aisle, and when one of them gets up in the middle of a speech or

something to leave, that they're allowed to slap them in the face and be like, this is your fucking job! Like, no, you can't leave. Back in the olden days. So-and-so voted for it, so-and-so voted against it, and so-and-so abstained. All you abstaining people, fuck you.

Your job is to vote on things, cunt. I break the speed limit by seven miles and i've got to suffer some guy with a light parade pulling me over you get off your ass in the middle of a debate or a vote i want that same fucking feeling of terror in your on you i like it it seems simple i like that professional podcasters are complaining that senators don't work hard enough. Dude, if you What are you shitting your pants? Alright?

I'm unique in that way. You are banned from political science. Disgusting. Do you know when rush hour is in Washington, D.C.? It's 3 p.m. to 5 p.m. You know why? Because those fuckers don't stay for a day of work. They start peacing out mid-afternoon.

That's why in every city across the country, Woody, in Raleigh, or Raleigh, however you say it. Raleigh. Like, Raleigh. I guarantee, I fucking guarantee that rush hour is 5 to 7. Yeah, that's about right. Yeah. Yeah, it's 5 to 7. You know what it is in St. Louis? 5 to 7? It's 5 to 7. Yeah, that's about right. It's 5 to 7. You know what it is in St. Louis? It's 5 to 7!

You know what it is in D.C.? It's 3 to 5 because they piece the fuck out super early. Is that true? How sure are you? I'm so sure and I'm only a little drunk. I think you might be making this up.

I suspect if I try to drive around D.C. at 5, it's still traffic-y. Oh, well, like 3 to 5, yeah. Like 5 would be. But if you drive around at 6, you're not going to be hitting traffic the same way you do in every other major city. Because they quit differently. Go ahead, Colin. You're shot. Did you know that bad breath is a gross, embarrassing problem that impacts everyone at some point in their lives?

I'm aware. Like pooping. Fortunately, it isn't your fault. Smart mouth, mouthwash knows the real cause of bad breath, and they know that just two rinses a day can solve it for good. But first, what is bad breath? Bad breath is a natural consequence of bacteria living in your mouth. Naturally occurring oral bacteria consume protein in your mouth and give off sulfur gas as waste. So when you smell that rotten egg bad breath odor, you're actually smelling sulfur

gas. Using alcohol to just kill germs or trying to cover the odor with a minty mask won't solve the problem. To solve a real problem, you need real science. SmartMouth uses a clinically proven patented two-liquid system when poured the clear sulfur-eliminating solution combines with the green zinc ion solution and

activates. The activated zinc ions seek out and bind to the bacteria in your mouth, stopping them from being able to consume protein or release sulfur for 12 hours per rinse. No sulfur gas means no bad breath. Find SmartMouth in the oral health aisle at your favorite supermarket, pharmacy, grocery store, or online at Amazon. And now for a limited time, go on over to smartmouth.com slash pka, smartmouth.com slash pka, and get a free $3 off coupon for any Smart Mouth rents. That's smartmouth.com slash pka, smartmouth.com slash pka. Go. Do it.

Click on that link because it makes us look good to our sponsors. Yeah, absolutely. And you'll like the product. So this is a misrepresentation of where I actually am. Taylor, we're not sponsors. Yeah, absolutely. And you'll like the product. So this is a misrepresentation of where I actually am. Taylor, we're done. You just muted. Oh my god, Kyle! Are you fucking serious? It's only there because I made this drink. Thank you, buddy.

Jesus Christ! There's three more shots in here, just like the last one. There's a fourth of a bottle in there. Are you going to finish all that? I'm going to finish all this for sure because this is fucking tasty as shit. So I've got two different kinds of Bloody Mary mix. For those who like Bloody Marys, they told me Zing Zang was delicious, but it's not.

It's not good at all. That first Bloody Mary I drank was disgusting. But I have some more mix in the fridge that I went and got called Charleston or something. It's really spicy. I took a lot of antacids in before the show to prepare for this drink. And it's just delicious. And the process of a Bloody Mary, like a good Bloody Mary is. Oh, I put too much vodka in there.

Yeah. My head's the process of making a good bloody mary is like it it it um legitimizes the previous night's drunkery legitimizes what explain because you can wake up and you you can pretend that you're like an apothecary as you're assembling this bloody mary and there's a certain amount of artistry involved like it feels like you're painting a painting it feels like you're painting liquor with the bloody mary that's why that's how it legitimizes like you feel like a professional i just realized you have a passion for this right like i do when i get into my hobbies i get into my hobbies, I get into my hobbies in a way that most people don't understand.

Yeah. This is you with alcohol. Yeah. Yeah, I really do. I could talk about it all day. I love every part of it. Alcohol – Do you have a solution for tight head setness and drinking?

Sorry, Sam. Are you a beer guy ever or are you always hard on alcohol? No, no, no. You guys have to understand. Alcohol is the reason we have law. beer guy ever or are you always alcohol no you guys you guys you have to understand alcohol is the alcohol is the reason we have law the first laws that we had and in babylonia was saying who got how much liquor like it is alcohol is the only reason that us as a species exists that's what i'm that's my are you saying like the code of Hammurabi

was because of alcohol? It's saying the rulers get three rations of alcohol, the priest class gets two rations of alcohol, everybody else gets one. It is the only reason we can stand each other. And it's the glue that keeps us together and I absolutely love it.

You're right. I mean, alcohol is a very fun thing. And I think that your take on it, extrapolating it to the, you know, the nexus of Western civilization is very true. A stupid degree. All right.

Would Gatorade be useful or not useful, Dick? Useful. Useful. Useful. Yeah. Drink Gatorade if you have some. Don't show this to the audience.

This is not an audience. This is not safe for work, what I'm about to show you here. But what this is, it says one of these pictured is the popular American YouTube personality Casey Neistat. The other one is a thief with a pair of sunglasses on. Which is which? sunglasses on which is which wait but Kyle it looks like the second one might be Casey Neistat

that's penis oh you got me why would a penis be drinking out of a silly straw that's stupid it's obviously Casey Neistat it's not a silly straw. It's stupid. It's obviously Casey Neistat. It's not a silly straw.

It's just a bendy straw. It could be either one. I've got a lot of respect for the kind of guy who has a penis that small and pathetic and still uses it for a meme. What do you mean small and pathetic? Dude, that's not big.

Dude, that's a teeny little penis. We can all agree. It's fine. Taylor, you have no idea what a penis looks like when it's soft. I have one. Look, that thing could be 10 feet long when it's hard. That guy could be knee deep in a swimming pool.

That's the point of reference of a straw and a cup. But he could be a grower. It's an ugly penis. You have the point of reference of a straw and a cup. Yeah. But he could be a grower. He could be a grower? It's an ugly penis. Can we just... No, it's circumcised. It's not on the ugliest.

It's better than most. It's an ugly penis. What, on the left? On the left, that is an ugly penis. That's Casey Neistat. Oh, shit! Wait, the thing on the... Oh, I've been talking about the picture on the left this whole time.

I'm sure you guys want to see this. So I don't know how to get it to you. I just Googled Casey Neistat is ugly. And this was one of the results. I like him. We all like him. To be fair, he is very ugly. He's fit, though. He's got that from the neck down

from the neck down that guy is like on eight and a half and for his age he's a 10 oh i'm sure he's very fit good for him he ran like four marathons in seven days as far as his face is concerned god was reaching into the rejects bin throwing throwing spaghetti at the wall, seeing what stuck. He better be quick on his feet if he's going to get laid. Oh, dude, I guarantee Casey Neistat has no problem getting laid. He's a huge personality. He's married and she's pregnant. So I'm on your team with that, Taylor.

Oh, no. Oh, I've got a fun thing here about body positivity. And what you see here on TMZ is that Cosmopolitan is putting this this big fat monster on their their cover to try and promote obesity as a reasonable, I guess, track. Can I interrupt? Is this actually for real? This is for real. Isn't that indicative. Of the world we live in now. That you had to say.

Is this real? Yeah that's real. People are promoting this big fat. Fucking ham planet. This butter golem of a monster. As though that's normal. And as though that's beautiful. And as though that's beautiful. One of the other things is, is success

an illness? If you were going to hunt her, she'd be considered big game. Justifying your loserness magazine, right? You get some big fat woman on the front. If I wanted to fight this woman, I couldn't because she's not my weight class. How about the other

lover? Why I vetted my wife's affair my weight class. How about The Other Lover? Oh my god! It's a cuckoldry magazine. There's a cuck there, there's a loser there, and there's a land whale on the cover. Yeah. Those knees are actually photoshopped because no human knees

could support a planet of that size. What a disgusting piece of shit. No, you're right. What a disgusting piece of shit. No, no, no, you're right. What a disgusting piece of shit to promote to other women that being this morbidly obese is okay. Like, look, they couldn't even Photoshop her arm

to make it look normal. Look at those fucking bingo wings hanging down there. She's got Miss Piggy on her forearm. Neil deGrasse Tyson does an editorial in this column because he thought it was Cosmos. She's got Miss Piggy tattooed to her forearm. I bet they ran out of ink before they finished that shit. What a nasty piece of shit. What do you think that bottom right article is?

Something Holiday Wants the Haters? Tess Holiday is her name. That's the name of the big fat fatty who's on the cover here. Look, they photoshopped the shit out of this to try and remove all the nastiness, and they still couldn't. Look at the fact that in her fucking one-piece

bathing suit there, they couldn't get rid of the fact that two folds are touching. They tried their damnedest to make this look good, and this is what they came up with. What a monster. That's my rule actually for I'm a little fat forgiving

I guess, but if your fat folds over on your fat boy or girl, you've gone too far. That's it. Yeah, you can be thick. Some guys like thick, but if your fat folds over on your fat, you fucked up. If Hitler had exterminated fat people instead of like slobs and Jews, do you think we'd look on it more favorably?

And maybe that Hitler mustache would be like a fashion trend now? Yeah, Hitler. He was like the original, you know, workout guy, like keeping it together, you know? Like, no, I think he only selected fat people, everyone would love him. Oh, you think he'd be more vilified for targeting fats? If he holocausted fat people instead of Jews. Well, instead of a holocaust, instead of a concentration camp, it would be like one of those Richard Simmons camps, right?

Everybody would just be, like, jazzercising and, like, stepping up. And I think it'd be okay. I think we'd look on it much more fondly than we do. If he was getting the Jews in shape the whole time. If his whole goal was to get people in shape, I think we'd look on him very differently.

The whole screen is blurry. I feel dumb for being the guy that brings this up, but I just feel like it's time. For what? Oh! I'm bummed for being the guy that brings this up, but I just feel like it's time. For what? Oh, God. All right. All right. I actually made a mistake.

Oh, shit. Let me get my glass. 20 minutes ago, I'm so drunk, I poured two shots of vodka into this glass. And then five minutes after that, assumed that was the last of my real drink and so i drank two shots woody i like your i like your rule of fat upon fat because it reminds me of caddyshack when they're all watching the hole in one like is it gonna go is like i i imagine like a plus size model like every morning waking up and seeing that fat quivering on the edge of folding over? Is it going to go?

Oh, you're too fucking fat. You're too fucking fat to leave the house today. You fucking ham planet. I've said it many. Hold on one second. Yeah, take your fucking spirits of elderberry. So your slot number, whatever you boomers drink. I'm literally a child of a baby boomer hilarious that woody is what are your 45 right I am yeah another

drink woody coughs without using his mic but I mean play the footage you leaned away but you didn't mute it but that that was, of course, a joke. But, Woody, you're 45, right? I am. And you're 37. Yeah. It's funny the way the... You're pretty close to being called a boomer by the right-leaning internet dick.

You better shut your fucking mouth, Taylor. Don't ever fucking call me a boomer. I'll show up at your fucking front door. Do it! Help me understand here. People are calling people baby boomers born in the 70s and 80s? It's a boomer meme where they'll say the 30-year-old boomer and things like that. It's just a meme congrats to me. I've been off the internet for a little bit.

I'm doing real life things. How boomer ish? What a boomer thing to say. It probably is. No matter what you say, I'll say what a boomer thing. Uh, I have a topic too.

So Rory Oliver, it appears. I'm still looking at the death Star here, wearing a onesie. Jesus, man. Can we bump this picture of the two penises sipping water? Wait, what? One picture of a penis and one picture of Casey Neistat. Let's bump that.

The typesetter who managed to squeeze the headlines in around this broad. Man, what a... That's the real hero. That's the real hero. Look at... Total Schick, right? He squeezed that in around these ham hocks this bitch has. Uh-huh.

Dude, her arms are enormous. She would make Schwarzenegger jealous with that kind of girth. It's the fucking Green Goblin. Can you imagine being that fat and simultaneously so conceited that you thought you were pretty? Yeah. Why didn't they crop out the knees? Why didn't they just zoom in on the knees and crop them out of the photoshoot? Because the knees... The knees are the most repulsive thing I've ever seen in my life.

I wish a pack of dogs would come upon her and just rip her to smithereens, just eat her. Do you know how long she would feed a pack of dogs? The entire winter. There are fatter chicks with bigger tits than that that's all i want to say all right if they find a test god i hate fat people down you hate fat people why is that i don't know they're just they're it's just no self-control they're just so slovenly right and they just don't see the stopping point right like when i get a little chubby i'm like oh shit open up the new chubby

scroll down a little until you get to the giant picture of her in a chair yeah i hardly understand what's going on with the bottom of her legs that's photoshopped dude what is happening i'm very confused eight inches wide yeah they photoshopped out 9 pounds of calves She looks like a tombstone Look at her fat Fucking hands she can't even Have her hands like this without them wrinkling If there's anyone on earth whose thighs touch

It's this woman here She looks like a burrowing creature With those hands Dude she's a fucking monster And the promotion To try and make this realistic is disgusting. Like, the push for obesity to be, oh, body,

no, you know what body acceptance is for? It's for people who have had limbs blown off in Iraq or Afghanistan. It's for people who have debilitating diseases that they can't overcome. That's body acceptance. Someone who has a real disability. This is a big fat fuck who can't control their impulses and eats like a fucking monster all the time.

I'll tell you what. And still goes back to her little inculcated community. Oh, you're so beautiful. You're so beautiful. If I call you beautiful, that rationalizes my own tendency to overeat. No, you're a fucking monster. You're degenerate and you should feel bad about this. If I call you beautiful, that rationalizes my own tendency to overeat. No, you're a fucking monster. You're degenerate, and you should feel bad about this. I want to hunt her, like in the most dangerous game.

I want to hunt her down with a crossbow. No, I can't think. You're wrong, because I can't think of something more boring to hunt. She's going to lay down and blog two minutes into the hunt. No, man, I want to wrestle her. I want to legit wrestle her for money. I want to wrestle this bitch. I want to pin her. I want to fucking suplex her. I want her legit wrestle her for money. I want to wrestle this bitch. I want to pin her. I want to fucking suplex her.

I want her to be trained. It'd be more difficult to wrestle the ear of corn off the stalk. This woman is easy prey. Dick, if this woman got control over you, she's too big. She'll just fall down. I know you're a strong guy. If she pins me me she could marry me i want trump to put up her face look at her face on that big picture imagine it thinned out if she

was a size three i think she'd be above average looking she yeah she would be very pretty but like imagine if this woman put you in a self-defense situation. I'd love that. Like, she's attacking you. You've got to fuck my way out of it, man. I'd fuck every crevice she's got. No big deal. You'd fuck any crevice she has. Every crevice?

You have some more stamina than me. When you're 45, that's not an option anymore. No, every chance. You get to pick one and that's it. Crevice is free. Fuck. Boom. Bing.

Bang. How many ever ladies she's got I'd fuck every single one of them Do you need to fuck every crevice to completion? Because I'm counting 8, 9, 10 crevices In this thing Go back to that picture That you linked

And look at her thighs The bottom of her thighs And how they hang like 3 inches below Her pussy That's the fucking stink zone Can you imagine what it smells like where you're landing in your in your paratrooper? Woody what were you flying a paramotor? Like it's just really though you think she has bad hygiene Cause she is a model Are you shitting me Of course her pussy smells bad

Of course her pussy smells bad They can't smell it Look fat broads are so busy eating They can't tell when they stink Which is always Because everybody stinks Everybody stinks But fat broads are

Number one Cause they can't reach it They need a pool scrubber Everybody thinks, but fat broads are number one. Keep going. Because they can't reach it. They can't reach it. They need a pool scrubber to reach around and get the folds in their fucking back. They need the jaws of life. Dude, there are fucking barnacles growing off of people this size.

They need a fucking elephant handler to come in and lift the flaps up like it's a fucking aileron to get under there to clean the grease out you know what i'd rather i'd rather suck casey nystet's nose to completion than fuck that chick i'm impressed with these shoes i'm looking at these shoes they're both like they're tiny they're petite yet i assume outrageously sturdy the cobbler who put this together is a master. Dude, those are steel reinforced. The cobbler. The cobbler. No, that wasn't a cobbler. That was a fucking blacksmith.

Yeah, he was hammering that shit into position. He's like, it's like, we need you to make a pair of shoes that'll support Tess Holliday. Are you serious? There's no way we can do that. I don't know why we're Scottish in this, but we can't do it. She's too big.

She is a big, fat, fucking monster. And she should feel bad every day that she promotes this kind of living to other women. Everyone who sees this shit immediately sees the nonsense of it. I mean we're gonna say this is pretty are you retarded? You're a fucking monster You're a monster. It's just powerful, but it's like yeah Injecting a bunch of heroin and slugging down whiskey because I'm not fucking healthy at all. Dude, I've seen a lot of meth addicts at gas stations because I live in Missouri. And at no point have I thought, man, that guy's got a great bod.

He should do a photo shoot. Like, no, you shouldn't give people photo shoots who have clear and evident addictions that they will promote to other people. If I were addicted to crack, which I'm clearly not because I'm still fat, like you wouldn't promote that to people. This is degeneracy of the highest order. They're selling magazines, man. What do you what do you want? This is this is the new uh this is the new blood sport for women it's like guys guys you have boxing who can get juiced up

and ramped up and beat the fuck out of each other women have who can be the biggest bloated cow and still get on the cover of cosmo but ironically you know who hates that kind of model of women more than anyone are fit health conscious women they're like this is retarded this is ridiculous i work hard to maintain my fitness and when they promote this degeneracy and nonsense it it's actively damaging it's telling fat people you do you man hey fuck the fact you're going to die 50 years earlier fuck the fact that your heart is unhealthy

Taylor would you rather be 120 pounds overweight or look like Casey Neistat am I allowed to lose the weight or do I have to stay that way you can lose the weight can you circumcise your nose I'd rather be 120 pounds overweight yeah that's funny yeah yeah i would definitely go for the 120 pounds

heavier and i would just lose it me too because if you made me like if you made kyle me woody any of dick any of us 120 pounds heavier we would naturally lose the weight because we're used to eating the level we have now. How much would you charge per pound lost? Like if I could just transfer 15 pounds of fat on you, what would that cost? 15,000? No, not even that. Dude, I lost 20 pounds last month. If you gave me 15 pounds of fat, I would take 15,000 for sure.

Really? Absolutely. That's the question. You really overpaid on that because I would have taken that for 1,500. I lost 20 pounds last month. Don't listen to Kyle. It's a shitty dealership. Listen to me.

15,000, 1,000 a pound, it's a fair rate. I could lose that. Like, look at the way Kyle loses weight. Like, Kyle has a borderline eating disorder with the way he loses weight. Like, I'm sure Dick isn't familiar, but Kyle will get a little heavy, and then the way he loses weight is he'll eat, like, 600 calories a day for three weeks and totally emaciate himself. Yeah.

I'm in the process of doing that now. Do you work out? Do you have, like, a body dysmorphic disorder thing? No, he does not work out. He just cuts weight. Yeah, I just cut weight. of doing that now. Do you work out? Do you have like a body dysmorphic disorder thing? No, he does not work out. He just cuts weight. Yeah, I just cut weight. I just stop eating. I eat one meal a day, and I eat a very small meal that day.

And some days I skip eating at all. And what time do you eat? I usually eat at midnight. I wait until midnight because I feel like that's a – whatever. That's just when it happens. I wait until midnight. That's when you eat? Yeah, I don't know't know yeah it just makes perfect sense you starve yourself all day you kick off every midnight with some food yeah yeah but well you know i midnight comes around

and i'm like oh i get to make my turkey sandwich on on like whole you're like you have your own ramadan yeah absolutely uh but i've been doing that for uh doing that for about a month and a week or something like that now, and I've lost 25 pounds, roughly. Something like that. And I've still got some more to go. I'm going to go until I'm like 170 high 170s,

and then I'm going to go back into my normal eating schedule, which is just awful. Awful. I love to eat. Food is my favorite thing. Kyle, if we're ever going to have a fight, you got to stick around. Do you work out, though? No, serious question. Do you work out?

Do you lift weights? Not lately. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I'll get in a kick where I lift weights for, you know, like three, four months at a time, and I get fairly big and fairly strong, and then I just stop. I don't know. I want to see you, like, juiced out like carrot top stop i don't know i want to see you like juiced out like carrot top like i don't have my shit here like i've got a full gym shredded yeah i uh i

own a full gym i've got a i've got a squat rack and i've got a like a full like a machine and i've got uh bench presses and i've got a ton of free weights but they're not here with me right now they're in storage right now i need i keep meaning to move them here, but I just haven't. I don't know why. I think that you and I are kind of the same height and the same... How tall are you?

How tall are you? Six foot. Kyle's a little taller. Yeah, yeah. You're the same as me. How much do you weigh, Dick? Oh, God. All right, so you're the same as me. How much do you weigh, Dick? Oh, God. Probably like 210. 210?

I don't know. Maybe more. Maybe we should set up a Taylor-verse. Kyle, I think you could just bulk up and look like a fucking monster, and then it would be awesome. And then you could start, like, then you'd be, like, the enforcer of PKA. And people would be like, what's up, Keemstar?

I'm fucking Kyle PKA, and I'll fucking end you. Like, it's so addicting to lift me. I don't have any, I don't really have any issues with anybody. Everybody's always cool with me, and so, like, I kind of, you know, I'm always cool with them. If anybody's the enforcer, though, it's probably Taylor. Taylor's been

working out for a year and a half now. I don't know if you can tell, but Taylor is fucking big. Taylor's a big boy over there. Take your shirt off. Take your shirt off. Take your shirt off, Taylor. Give us a flex.

Give us a flex. Look at the threat of taking the shirt off. Look at the fucking size a flex. Look at those fucking arms. Look at the threat. The threat of taking the shirt off. Look at the fucking size of him. Look at that. I expected the shirt to go boom. He nearly busted the seams on that short sleeve. I'm pretty big in that, like, I look fucking – I got down to 170 a couple years ago,

and I look fucking weird at 170. That head of yours is like a goddamn lollipop. Dude, my head does not lose weight. If you put me up against Brock Lesnar and you said alright boys, this is a headbutt only fight. I have

100% confidence he is going home in an ambulance. 100% confidence. There's not a person on this planet who can out headbutt me. You don't know the density and the size of my skull. That's the future of fights, man.

Fuck boxing. If you want to... Headbutt only. If you want to have a fight with me and it's headbutt only, bring on all comers. UFC fighters, I want you to hear this. I will headbutt the shit out of you you won't know what happened you'll wake up feeling tingly in your

limbs because I will have brutalized you so badly my head is frankly one of the few people I feel like has a head on par with mine is you dick and even then even then I had but you and you want a headbutt fight i'll fucking head but don't you fucking tell me you're gonna headbutt me into submission on on a fucking on a podcast where people are listening i will fucking accept that challenge any day of the week then the challenge is set all fucking headbutt fight you any day of the week. PSI, Logan Paul, move the fuck over. We got headbutting coming. Yeah.

You got no idea how dense this thing is. People introduce new ideas and thoughtful things to me all the time. Nothing gets through. You white motherfucker. You don't even understand how much density is in a Mexican skull. You have half a Mexican skull. Your powers are not what you think they are. I get shit all the time from Chiz saying that I'm not white because I'm Sicilian. You're not white.

Are you? You're Sicilian? Yeah, that's not white, man. Yeah, you're a fucking eggplant. No, you guys are liars. I'm white. What is Chiz? Chiz is like Spanish and he's giving me shit for being Sicilian. Chiz is Spanish. His he's giving me shit for being like having Sicilian people. His people made Dick's people.

No, I'm not a Moor, but I have Sicilian ancestry. You're the Moops. I'm the Moops. The Moops. Taylor descends from the Moops. They came in and, well, they raped the shit out of his people until they... Kind of what Chiz's people did to your

people, Dick. They went in there and they raped the shit out of his people until they... Well, kind of what Chiz's people did to your people, Dick. They went in there and they raped the shit out of all those Mayans and they made you people. The Spaniards banged the Mayans and turned them into Mexicans. Yeah. My people are English. We came here and made America. Boom. If you say so. I choose to change

my ancestry and also be English. Woodworth is an English name. That's got to be the best one to be, right? Like English? No, no, no. My people are Germanic. We come from Germany.

And we are the master race. Two-time losers? Two-time... The race is responsible. We've gone up against the entire planet and all of you guys had to gang up on us just to barely eke out a win? I don't think so. Two-time bad decision makers?

Two-time. No, I mean, it is pretty impressive that the Germans, like, waged war on the world twice, and they made it competition. Like, it wasn't like, oh, yeah, we got this. It was like, fuck, Germany's got their shit together. Kind of. It was really like, if I know my history, and I don't, Germany, Japan, and Italy went up against England and France

and were doing well until America got there and then Russia got involved and they got fucked. It was more the USSR that impacted the win than it was us. If we're being honest. People say that because they have a giant death count. I mean, the Canadians. I like my soldiers not dead. To quote a great man.

Pushing them back on the eastern front was far more impressive than our pushing them back on the west. I'd agree if they didn't die so much themselves. Well, because they were like, all right, you follow your friend into battle, and then when he die, you pick up the rifle.

And it's like, so you're sending me in with no rifle, no nothing. Like, that's what it was. Well, all I know. The Russians had a hard hand to play. Nobody got my Trump joke. I like my soldiers not dead. No, just me? Okay.

You know what, buddy? I like my senators who never get brain tumors. That's where I'm headed with this. All I know is that this episode of PK is brought to you by Luminosity. Start improving yourself today. If you were to guess, where would you say your brain stacked up

against other people your age? Do you think your memory or attention is above average? Use Luminosity and find out. Luminosity is the world's most popular brain training program. Even though you can't see the results in a mirror or on a bathroom scale, if you want to keep your brain fit, you've got to treat it like a muscle. Sign up for Luminosity and take the free 10-minute fit test to get your baseline scores on three games

and see how you stack up against others your age. Then your training begins. With Luminosity Premium, they will even design a personalized training program from their 60-plus cognitive games and activities to challenge your key abilities like memory, speed, and problem solving. With every game, Luminosity keeps track of your progress and shows how you compare worldwide don't you want to know how you stack up find out right now go to luminosity.com slash pk to sign up for a free fit test plus a 30 discount off luminosity premium spelled l-u-m-o-s-i-t-y dot com slash P-K-A to take your free fit test and get 30% off Luminosity Premium. Luminosity.com slash

P-K-A. We all took the test. We have our scores. We want you guys to take them too. And we will compare. Can you stack up against a Taylor? Can you stack up against a Woody's Gamertag? You can't. I'm too smart. I agree. But let them try. Let them flail.

Did you take the luminosity test? Yes, we were off the fucking scale in our incredible intelligence. When I took mine, it showed up as a 404 error because it was so high that they had to recline back

at headquarters. They accuse us of cheating. They're sending professionals to test us in person. It's incredible, the numbers that we laid out. Yeah, they accused me of lying about my score. And it was also a 4-4. It was true. He lied. This episode is also brought to you by...

Shadow of the Tomb Raider. Painkiller Ready is brought to you by Shadow of the Tomb Raider. Terrifying tombs. Wait, what? No, keep going. It's a cough off-camera drink, right? That was one of your things. That is one, yeah.

We've got to have a drink after this. All right, after this, after this. Painkiller Ready is brought to you by Shadow of the Tomb Raider. Terrifying tombs. Unforgiving jungles. A Mayan apocalypse. Sounds like just another day for Lara Croft.

Experience Lara Croft's defining moment as she becomes the Tomb Raider. In Shadow of the Tomb Raider, Lara must master the jungle using brand new skills, overcome tombs containing challenges and puzzles, and persevere through her darkest hour. As she races to save

the world from a Mayan apocalypse she put into motion, Laura will ultimately be forged into the Tomb Raider she is destined to be. Shadow of the Tomb Raider is available on Xbox One on September the 14th. Pre-order the Croft Edition at your favorite

retailer and experience Laura's journey 48 hours early. I like the Tomb Raider games. I like the puzzles. I like the challenges. I like hopping around. I like looking at her sexy butt. Big fan of that. Isn't a good time for you to turn the turn?

The first Tomb Raider game, that was like defining, right? Did you guys play that one? don't know if I played one on the Xbox 360 we liked it no who's your favorite video game character me glados and portal good one I like a lab trap a little bit. Fucking Master Chief from Halo. Does he even talk? The entire way through. Constantly.

No, he doesn't. Absolutely. I played it. I played several of them. He didn't say a word. I don't think your memory is the best. I don't know what voices you're hearing, but Master Chief does not talk.

Master Chief absolutely talks. Taylor, did you play Halo? Oh, yeah. Does Master Chief talk? In the early Halos, he does not, right? He absolutely does fucking talk. How about the scene where he's hanging on to the outside of the spaceship? I didn't play the campaign.

I only played. He's like, Master Chief, what are you doing on that vessel? I'm finishing the fight, sir. He's always having conversations like that. I only ever played the multiplayer shit. I didn't do the campaign. Of course he talks. He talks constantly. He talks a lot.

Yeah. He's always having conversations with Cortana. He's always having conversations with Cortana. He's always having conversations with that black mustachioed sergeant. He's always having conversations on the spaceship or whatever. Yeah, he has lots of conversations.

I like Master Chief. He's my favorite video game character, I think. Very cool. I love the Halo stuff. 1 through three, anyway. All right, time for another drink. Oh, goddammit. Why? Why is it time?

What makes it time? Because Woody coughed without meeting his mic. Faggot. Oh, no, two drinks because Kyle said faggot. Is that really one of them? Yes, it is. Hang on, hang on. Anytime Kyle tries to bring back the word faggot. I

Didn't know that Yeah, no, of course you didn't because I didn't give anybody my rules. It really is It's something we're all like we all need to say faggot You know, there's nothing wrong with saying faggot as long as you're not saying it against gays Because that's what'll get you in trouble Yeah, it's so it's so sad that we lost that one That was a good one because like the hard G's and the T like hard succinct stops in word make it funnier I remember saying it when I was a kid and you could just say it you're in middle school

You know like you fucking faggot and you know exactly what you're talking about, but we'll never have it again It's too bad. It's too bad. You don't say about that nine-year-old gay kid that committed suicide No, is this a joke at the current event? Well, you know you guys brought it up I guess this I was watching this, I saw this article. I guess there was this nine-year-old gay kid who came, who had been already getting picked on. Not for being gay, but just for, you know, being himself. Being an asshole. And school started up again.

And he told his mom, hey, I'm going to tell all my friends that I'm gay now. Now that I realize that I'm gay. And she's like, oh, what a great idea, nine-year-old son. And he's like, you know what I think would really make everyone accept me? Let's get me some nice, like, nails. Let's get me some press-on, long, ladies' fingernails. I bet the other nine-year-olds at school will be super duper accepting of it and and the mom is like in this interview and and she's she's telling this to the cnn

person she's like and he was so excited we got him some nails and i'm just like are you fucking retarded you're gonna go up into a public school with some press on nails and tell everybody you're gay at nine gayness and you suppress it you push it deep down way down nobody needs to know that you're gay nobody you could feel bad like no one knows the true you they're completely unaccepted live a lie that's the way to get popularity in high school and there is nothing more important than popularity in high school and this you know what more important than popularity in high school. You know what I would like to see? The three wants to be a YouTube star so that he could share his his gain with everyone.

Woody, are you being sarcastic? For the rest of your life, you will be measured by how many people liked you in high school. Yeah, right? He committed suicide because they picked on him. It is Case Elementary School.

I was like, look, we have no problem with the gays here, right? There's so many ugly bears. We really don't. This jacked up stud, Taylor, my... No, he's down. Please, Taylor's a bear. He's not a bear.

No, I don't give a fuck about gays. If they want to get married and make themselves... My position has always been legalize gay marriage, but don't legalize gay divorce. Just to see what happens. Because it's going to be a lot of very bitter gays who aren't able to leave their relationship. It would be hilarious. They wouldn't be gay anymore.

Is that not hilarious? To legalize gay marriage but not gay divorce? No, nobody else is getting a titty. No, you're right. To chime back in, yeah. I agree with that 100 100 i like that a lot but yeah no but but seriously though like i don't i don't understand the people who have a problem with with homosexuals um you know it's just a it's just a way of life you know some people are

fucking gay get over it i can see family court like sorry family court like the judge sitting there being like all right that one's totally the girl one right he gets the money we're gonna family court always goes in favor you you with the biceps you lose the money that fucking faggot looking guy he's gonna get he gets the house that guy with the fucking ascot and thick-rimmed glasses They'll just show up looking gayer and gayer at a family court. Feather pink boa. You know, like, I see your ascot. Check out

my boa. I'm getting the house. But it's not stupid, because you go to court and you have to wear, like, a suit. Like, you don't ever wear a suit. Wait, wait. Dick, what did Maddox wear to his day in court? There was something funny about that.

Oh, the restraining order? Yeah. He wore slacks and a paisley purple on black vest, and that's it. And like an undertaker. Like an undertaker. He wore a He looked like the fucking Papa Duke like He wore a coat on No, no coat at all. It was just a vest. It was a he wore a fucking a

Vest like a vest and slack pants like a prom like a guy who was going to prom and who forgot his fucking jacket. That's what he looked like. Are you a big, I mean, the way your show is, I always assumed you kind of knew of Opie and Anthony. I know of them, but I'm so old, man. I know Howard. I listened to Howard my whole life. I didn't listen to that much opening oh and a has been around since like 97 so you don't have to be that young to get it

well yeah but how like when i was when i i'm only got a car when i first got a car it was like um listening to howard on the radio was uh oh wow that was like no go it was like listening to Howard on the radio was, oh, wow, that was like no go. It was like verboten. I think Opie and Anthony came after me. I never listened to them on the radio. Jesus, God, I'm hearing myself in the radio. I'm hearing myself, Cans, and I sound very fucking drunk. I worked.

Oh, I'm sorry. Go ahead. I had a similar experience. I worked in the, I'm sorry. Go ahead. I had a similar experience. I worked in the Philadelphia area, and Howard Stern was, you know, I don't know if you remember. You probably do. He would go from city to city and become number one there.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. And we had the morning zoo or something like that in Philadelphia that was always the top show. They were these hilarious, zany. Yeah, and he would fucking rape them yeah and then he would being ridiculous and playing lots of kazoos and shit on the air and then howard comes yeah and then howard comes and just starts butt fucking them and they start pleading for this like locals

only privilege you know this guy doesn't know about, you know, insert third line hockey player here. This guy doesn't know where the Garden Street meets something else. We're Broad Street. That was the best part. That was the best part about Howard is like you can feel them fail right in front of you. Yeah. And you take teams, right? I started off on team like morning zoo right because they were my

guys like mark and brian were my guys before howard came along and they were the coolest people you know they were the greatest yeah and then howard starts beating them and all of a sudden they complain that they don't like the way they're being beat which for me was just like oh well fuck you i'll be over here on the winning team if you need me. And suddenly I'm listening to Howard and he's killing it. It's funny. Yeah, pussies. Howard used to tell people how to fill out ratings.

I don't know the details of this, but apparently terrestrial ratings at least were done by like paper surveys. by like paper surveys. And Howard would be like, you tell them, you listen to our show from 6 a.m. to 11 a.m. without a break, without a bathroom break, without a pee break.

You don't go to work. You sit down in your cube in the office and you keep listening to us. That's what you tell them if they ever survey you. And it would happen. All his listeners would be like,

yeah, I listen in six hour blocks. Don't take, I don't miss a minute. And then he'd just win ratings out of even being listened to the most. He just has these people taking Nielsen ratings on his team. It's just funny. It's honest and it's funny. Like it's honest and it's funny.

Do you guys ever have like live meetups? Sometimes. I did one in Raleigh a few weeks ago, but we haven't done one as like a whole show in a while. What do you. I did one in Raleigh a few weeks ago, but we haven't done one as a whole show in a while. What do you mean you did one? Steve Hostet is a recurring guest and he did a show in Raleigh.

I just put it out there like, hey, I'm going to his show. Anyone wants to see me? We hung out for an hour after the show. Steve came on my show and he was eviscerated. He was eviscerated? See, I... He was eviscerated? I wanted to go to your Chicago show because that's only a five-hour drive for me, but I wasn't able

to because of work. If you ever come to St. Louis, which is a huge market for criminals, I would show up. I think it would be fun as shit for you guys to do a live show. In an East St. Louis

venue, you will get so much content because it's the most dangerous place in America. East St. Louis. If you picked a venue there. Detroit would like to have a word with you. Detroit can get fucked. Detroit and South Chicago aren't even close. When we're talking about per capita murders,

we win. Or we're talking about per capita murders, we win. Or we lose, rather. Because I've never seen a national story about St. Louis that wasn't, you know, talking about how terrible it is here. Like, oh, it's the worst. You know, oh, Ferguson. Oh, Ferguson.

All these people. Do you know how long it takes to drive through Ferguson? It takes the worst. Oh, Ferguson. Oh, Ferguson. All these people. Do you know how long it takes to drive through Ferguson? It takes three minutes. It takes no time at all to drive through. You could drive through Ferguson, and if I didn't tell you you were in Ferguson, you would just think it was another shitty area. You wouldn't know. How far are you from these places?

From Ferguson? I'm a 10-minute drive, maybe. Okay, yeah. At most, yeah, a 10-minute drive. That's North County. Woody, would you like to have a live show where you can meet everybody and fuck with them and stuff like that? We've done a few of those.

We've done two or three paintball events. Paintball events? Yeah, yeah. Like, I like paintball a lot. And so like maybe seven years ago now, I did the first one and it was just myself. And I don't know,

I got 150 people or something and we went to this place in Chicago that my manager, my manager used to do the, all the marketing for this paintball place in Chicago called CPX Sports manager my manager used to do the um all the marketing for this paintball place in chicago called cpx sports they're now they sold the place since to like the the state or something like that made a bundle because they were putting a highway through there but regardless uh afterwards you know we we would use the budget that they used to pay me to

bring in a bunch of youtubers and we do like YouTuber event, and I would just do the thing for free because I really love paintball. I've played since I was a kid, like since I was 12 or 13. It's fun as fuck, man. Yeah, and I kind of like the idea of growing the sport in like whatever small way I could. And so I would just give up the money that I was normally paid, and we would use that for flights

to like fly in a bunch of YouTubers and help promote the thing. And we've we've done I don't know how many of those now, three, four or five, something like that. And the last couple have been sort of centered around our show here, P.K.A. And we get, you know, a couple hundred people and we go play paintball in Chicago. And so we'd meet, you know, 150, 200 of our fans and play paintball with them. You know, it's not just sitting around in a mall somewhere kind of being a little awkward and being like, all right, well, what do we do now? It's it's, you know, let's let's let's go get the bad guys, you know, and team up and play paintball together, which I think is really cool and really fun. And I got to say, like, maybe it's just the people who show up at those events are more likely to be like an outgoing, cool kind of group of people. Like maybe there's, maybe there's a group of fans who are like,

would never do that sort of thing who are like the weirdo motherfuckers. But like the people who show up are cool as shit. It's, it's always been, I've never had a bad experience with the fans who come to our, uh, our like paintball meetups and everything. Always really enjoyed hanging out with them. And just the kind of people who play paintball in general and go to those big events and stuff like that are always really chill, really cool fucking people that are easy to hang out with and have a good time with. So I've always enjoyed those.

Always cool in real life. I enjoyed all the people in Raleigh. They were great. And the hangouts, right? When we hang out with them on you know once a month the patreon uh yeah we do this thing where uh on our patron our patreon and if you want to sign up there's a link down below uh if i think if they spend 50 bucks a month which is a little heavy uh a lot jesus christ well if you there's pretty awesome there's a couple dozen people who

do that every month and those people uh get to hang out with us for a couple hours every month, and we just hang out in a big video call like this one, but there's like a dozen of us in there. And it's fun. It's really fun. None of them are the kind of people where I'm like, ugh, I don't want to talk to that anymore. One is.

You guys better show your penis to those guys. You know who it is. I've shown my penis to all of them. I'm not going to say which one it is, but I'll say this. There's this one guy who comes to the Hangouts, and I'm not going to identify him because that would be fucking shitty. I'm on a Discord with a few of the guys who come into the Hangout. I see them typing independently of me. I'm not joining in in but they're like oh

this motherfucker won't shut the fuck up i wish he'd shut the fuck up he interrupts he's annoying as shit he'll like talk for two minutes and we're all just like the fuck is this going where the fuck is this going you're just you're just filling fucking like like fucking space with your goddamn stupid-ass voice. I'm feeling like it might be me in this call. It's Woody. It's Woody. Yeah, I'm like, that could be. Shut the fuck up and let someone else funny talk for one moment. Is he interrupting?

Ah, yeah. All right, I'm checking a lot of boxes here. Is it time to drink? Jesus, Kyle. Are you shitting me? You got to keep in mind with this that three shots are in here. Like three good ones. So the bottle.

You filled that up again. I feel like I'm doing really well. And every time I hold up this bottle, Kyle, yours is significantly lower. Although if you remove three shots from your trailer, I think you'd be in the same league. Yeah, maybe, but I also poured two shots in here to add with the drink. How are you feeling, Woody?

I'm sweaty and hot. It's time for another shot, my friends. I'm like the little Bo Peep of drinking. I want to have all my men gathered around and feeling like they can drink

without shame. There's no shame for your masculinity here, Dick. You're in a safe space. I spill every time I pour. Kyle keeps the shot glass in his mouth as he takes it. God, you're like a fucking 19-year-old girl. God, I'm going to regret this.

Tito's is smooth. You've got to wake up and work, man. God damn, I wish Tito's was a fucking sponsor. It really is smooth. See, this is how every drinking episode goes. I'll get complaints from Woody and Kyle of like, Oh man,

Oh man, this is really rough. So weirdest fucking thing I've ever seen. They always tell me every episode, every drinking episode, I do something very wrong. I don't really drink. I don't know that it's wrong. You're drinking out of a brick that's like a crystal water glass, man. I didn't know you couldn't do that.

I thought it just held liquid. And I guess you're not supposed to have model Rolls Royces that play music when you drink. That's a little bizarre. Very strange. It's cool as fuck, though. I'm on board with it. I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about. Yeah, but the paintball things are cool.

I really like paintball. I don't know. I've been given a ton of paintball gear. I've got really, really expensive shit. I've probably got $5,000 worth of cool paintball shit. I've got to die damn if you know what that is. You've got $5,000 of paintball shit? Yeah, I really do.

My paintball gun's like $1,500, and then it's got another $500 worth of accessories on it. I've just got the best of the best of everything, which is a really nice situation to be in, especially when you don't have to pay for it. So I fucking love paintball. You know how it's fun, right? I have good equipment.

It's not the best equipment, but it's certainly not the weak link in my paintball abilities. The trouble I have with paintball is every time I go, I get shot in the face. Yeah, that's because you don't wear the right equipment. That apparently is true. One time I went, my face mask is maybe a half inch shorter than it really should be. And I got hit in the chin so hard that I looked like Jay Leno afterwards. Another time, I got a shot in the forehead and it just ripped that shit open. That happened twice.

I don't know. I've played a lot of paintball. Like I said, I've played since I was 12 years old. I've played. I had my own paintball field at my dad's place. Two of my friends each had their own paintball fields that themselves and their dads put together with hay bales and junk cars and stuff. I've played hundreds and hundreds of hours of paintball, maybe thousands. The worst paintball shot i've ever seen

is what woody took one year in chicago he got shot in the forehead like right about here it was it looked like he got shot with a fucking 38 special mildly concussed from it like like it was bleeding it was a big knot we were I remember we were at like and he was really self-conscious about this massive knot he had right on his face. It's on his face. I had to fly home too. We're going to go to dinner

right after the day of paintball. Jesus. Do that away from the mic. I got it all out. We're at an IHhop or a denny's or something like that and we're sitting over there with like this knot on his forehead the size of a fucking walnut and i and the waitress is like oh what happened to you and i'm like that's what happens when he steps out of line.

I wore a baseball cap home, but I couldn't fit it over the knot on my forehead. So it's just like sticking up in the air like I'm a failed rapper. Dude, dude, so bad. I just linked a story of people are boycotting In-N-Out Burger. Oh? Yeah. Wow. people are boycotting in-and-out burger oh yeah wow they're boycotting in-and-out burger because the uh the owners donated 25 000 to a republican campaign and so now like it's trending on twitter boycott in-and-out which i've never had in-and-out but I feel like their product is so good, just from what I've heard, that they won't be impacted by a boycott

even a teeny tiny bit. They donated $25,000 to the Republicans, but they donated $50,000 to the Democrats. But that's not good enough. Woody, don't you sully this with facts and evidence and things like that. People are mad on Twitter and they're boycotting. What fucking pieces of shit?

I like In-N-Out Burger. There's not one near me. But every time I'm out in California, I always get an In-N-Out Burger. I ordered a grilled cheese sandwich. I used to do this thing. I've mentioned it before. This revenge-based vegetarianism. So I'm in California and all my friends want to go to In-N-Out.

It's this thing. We don't have it in North Carolina. We got to, got to go. Okay. I look at the menu online, and they order a grilled cheese sandwich. It's a thing. I didn't know. So I go.

All they do is take the burger out of a cheeseburger. It's literally hamburger buns with cheese and lettuce and tomato and onions. And they call it a grilled cheese sandwich. Disgusting. That's disgusting. Yeah, In-N-Out Burger's really fucking good though. They make a good burger. I don't understand these people getting all torn up about a restaurant's

politics. I don't care if you're... Who fucking cares? They could be conducting partial birth abortions in the Burger King lobby, and I'd still eat that Whopper. It's fucking tasty. I care about that kind of thing. Like, hypothetically, I was all about hiking.

Dude, if fucking Chipotle had an actual concentration camp, I'd still go. There's Jews in there. It's like the boy in the striped pajamas. They've got fantastic burritos, and I'm a huge fan. They're all skinny and decrepit, like hanging onto a barbed wire fence, watching me eat that fucking burrito. And I'd be like, God damn, this grilled chicken is good.

This is a funny thing. Today on Snapchat, some hacker got in and changed the name of the location, New York, to Jewtropolis. I want to repeat that for Dick, who's just coming back. Do we need to drink to mild racism on this topic? No, I'm talking about somebody else's racism. There was a, in Snapchat today, Dick, if you weren't aware,

they renamed New York to jewtropolis they're not wrong yeah well okay but it is funny to watch that shit jewtropolis made it onto the to the daily news jesus christ it's funny there's a guy in texas his name is roy oliver and this is how it went down a little 15 year old boy was at a party and the police come to like break up the party and he gets into the passenger seat of a car they're going to drive away the cop breaks open the passenger side window and tells him like that they can't go anywhere. Well, he's a passenger. It's not his fault, but the driver decides to drive away from the party,

hoping that he would get away with it. The cop opens fire and starts shooting in the broken passenger window and at the car as it drives off, and he kills little 15-year-old Jordan Edwards. Little. To our surprise the cop got 15 years

for killing this unarmed mildly innocent teenager I mean all he did was leave the scene as a passenger and I don't know it just makes me think of the David Chappelle thing like you know I didn't know he couldn't do that right he was a cop

he shot a guy that's what cops do he's a cop did you not know he shot a guy that's what cops do he's black right isn't that what cops do am i crazy am i alone in this you must be alone no you're not alone in this like it's a it's a hard job it is a hard job it's a very fucking hard this case wasn't a hard one like it is a hard job there are lots of you know split second decisions you have to make etc but a boy in a passenger seat driving away from a party with no weapon

that's an easy call to not shoot him can we watch this I was just looking at Taylor's twitter and there's this like Taylor's twitter it's called A Beautiful Ride. Twitter at Mercaderca. It's hilarious

all the time. Follow it. It's just like a montage of us. It's called A Beautiful Ride. Oh yeah. I literally tweeted that saying how much I appreciate being able to be a part of the show and how much

I appreciate you guys inviting me on. It was a really cool thing. I would love to watch this. Can we watch it? I don't think so. I think it's copyrighted music. Just mute it. We could do that, I guess. I don't know if it's the same. You want... I don't think it's copyrighted music

because this guy's running it. I don't know what this song is if it doesn't sound beautiful ride that's the name of the song um do you want to get the drinking episode taken down well just mute it though yeah okay i can do that are you ready and if anyone wants the the the audio it's it's this guy's YouTube name is like zigzag with letters and numbers. It's on Z-I-G-Z-4-G and

it's called A Beautiful Ride, if you'd like to watch. Ready, set, play. Yeah, I saw this actually with, I don't know, I guess I saw it. Look at that ass prime meat kyle kyle oh was that the snake yeah that's the snake i remember sam didn't we name him

look at taylor that's the guy that out drank us all. I remember that. Jeremy. I know this. She was playing with my cock under the table This yeah Good times I know this flight

That was my first one back after breaking my leg It is fun times That's me as a girl Yeah I tweeted all of those I helped proliferate those images The black box makes this worse Oh I remember this guy Oh me and Kyleyle fighting with noodles taylor 140 that's an infamous episode i was i was

fucking wasted yes i remember i called you a little drunk and you called me adorable Quit being a cunt Quit being a cunt Look at that videography Oh nice Fucking nice man It's me and Taylor Yeah I need to wear a belt on the outside of my shirt To give myself an illusion of a V

All the time What happened on the outside of my shirt to give myself an illusion of a V all the time. What happened? That was our 2011 Boston trip. I think Kitty had a penis in that picture. Oh, I know what happens here. look at little Colin thanks Kyle

young Woody and Jackie go wings oh I remember that. Fucking Jeremy. He's screaming. And you zapped him again. Oh, that's Joe Lozon's grappling coach. Is this another shot of me drinking poorly?

Yeah, probably. I have a black eye. Now it's just me ripping on Chiz is that what that is that's actually good job Sissak good fucking job that's very good yeah see I want to get our fan made content on the same level as dicks because dick will have people call in and leave like full production value songs like it's insane like you don't coax that out of them they just do it

no that's fucking great. No, that was incredible, man. That was an... I hadn't seen myself tasering old Jeremy in a long time. That's fucking great. Man, that was fun. Do you still keep up with him? He just had another child.

Three? Three of his own loins, Do you still keep up with him? He just had another child. Three? Three of his own loins, and at least one from the previous marriage, so he's got himself four under that little roof. But he's doing well, isn't he? Well, I believe that, you know, they get a ton of government assistance. I think each child is like a part-time job

worth of worth of income so uh every time they shit one out over there they uh they it's like getting a raise it's like oh daddy got a promotion now you get fucking livid when you realize how much of the taxes you're paying because people can't take up their own kids. I was livid on the first kid he had. I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. You shouldn't be allowed to procreate. And then he had a second and a third and now he's got a whole

fucking troop of little Jeremies over there. What can you do with four kids? She needs one more to play basketball. Teach them to farm. I would think. That's what you have to do. Low-income, retarded children.

Those kids are going to be so goddamn dumb. He's literally... I like Jeremy. I guess I'll just stop. He's just a fucking moron. He shouldn't be allowed to procreate. Speaking of high-income, clever children, I think Eddie Murphy just had his 12th kid. Really?

Yeah, I think so. Like a whole bunch of different wives, I think. Dude, if you want to go... You gotta crank them out, man. If you want to go... You gotta crank out 10, 12 kids. You gotta crank them out. If you want to go to a sad place on the internet,

go to the Redditdit called child free and it's a bunch of oh yeah late 30s women trying to convince themselves that life has more to offer like that's all that it is it's a bunch of late 30s women being like i don't need kids i'm just a wine aunt it's like no you're not you're gonna be miserable in in a few years realizing that you never had children and that your life is nothing eddie murphy has 10 kids well he has nine with his 10th on the way and his current wife baby mama person is fucking smoking here no shit it's fucking eddie murphy he's got all that... Shrek money. Yeah, that Shrek money. I hear you.

Look at this woman. You have to scroll down a little bit to get a proper picture of her. Or at the top, there's a video playing. She's gorgeous. No, she's fantastic. And she's actually taller than him. Yeah, I bet she was a model or something.

I'm guessing that's how he... I bet he just looked at Cosmo in a catalog and picked out his favorite. It's a chair model. Good for him. I'm proud of Eddie Murphy for that. Yeah, I thought he was gay. This pull-out game is so fucking weak he can't get out of a driveway.

That's a good joke. You guys just can't tell. What do you tell is a bad joke? Drink. Alright, drink. What do you tell is a good joke, you guys just can't tell Woody tells a bad joke, drink Alright, drink Woody tells a bad joke I don't really wanna Kyle, I wanna Come back to reality for a second

How are you feeling? I'm feeling pretty bad, man I'm feeling pretty bad I'm feeling pretty low Where in the liquor are you? Where in the liquor abyss? Where in the liquor abyss? Where in the liquor abyss are you? Right?

You're feeling like you're all alone. I'm feeling really, really fucked up. I feel like I'm going to vomit tonight. Yeah, that's good. And I feel like the night is ruined. That's good. I feel like after this show, there's going to be no fun to be had. I was watching Sopranos earlier today.

I was re-watching that. It started from season one. And I was thinking about playing that new video game, Scum. But I don't think I'm going to be able to do any of that shit after this show. I think I'm just going to pass out. See, the sad thing about post-drinking episodes is they don't see what we do after this. They don't see me sit on my couch and realize

I'm fucking wasted and it's 11 45 p.m. on a weeknight. Did I take the only drink? They don't see that. No, you did not take your drink. You're due, Woody. No, I just took a drink. I'm teasing. That was successful, I just took a drink.

I'm teasing. That was successful because I didn't get enough. No, you're doing fantastic. It's all good. I can't believe Kyle. Kyle, can you hold up that bottle? Keep in mind, there's three shots in the Bloody Mary, but we're pretty much through the bottle.

Is that a fifth? A fifth is like 750 milliliters. Is that a fifth? I don't know. A fifth is like 750 milliliters. Is that what that is, Kyle? Isn't that right? He's downed an entire bottle. I've got that much

left and I'm fucking drunk. I don't even taste it anymore. I can't believe that you... When I... No, what do you guys want to let loose on? No, honestly, what do you want to let loose on on your drunk episode

where you can just check back on it and it's like, ah, we were shit-faced. Fuck it. Right? What do we want to check in on? What do you want to let loose on? Let loose on let loose on okay paramotors are fucking awesome and you guys shouldn't make me feel bad about it

hold on hold on woody woody paramotors hold on hold on paramotors are where it's at man i ran into the sky today turned off the motor and just thermaled higher and higher to the clouds and i was thinking about it i'm like why do they make me feel bad about this this is incredible look at kyle's face right now he's so fucking wasted kyle kyle is doing his damnedest to keep it together he is fucking wasted it's so stupid My thing What I would want to let go of I fucking hate

Like I've Been a fat person I've been a fat person I know what that's like And I fucking hate fat acceptance Yeah they all act like it's dumb Kyle seems to genuinely think it's dumb But it's not

It's not fucking dumb I don't know why you didn't get a real plane They're not as cool It's like a car versus a motorcycle You know, one's a dirt bike in the sky And the other is a car You go 35 miles an hour No, hold on, Kyle

Jigs, jigs, jigs, jigs, jigs Men drive motorcycles That's the fucking No, you know, you like it So, like, that's just fucking no i i you know you like it so like that's all it matters you know yeah but but you shouldn't feel bad about it because we think it's silly i flew two hours today and turned the motor off it was our opinion about your hobby doesn't matter it's it's what it what it's it's what it does for you but we think it's rather silly. And that it would have been a better idea to get a lease on an airplane. You are incorrect.

Or like five guys go in on like a... I flew an airplane. Oh, you know what? I went skydiving last week. That was kind of neat. Like five guys go in on a Cessna and you can do fucking barrel rolls. You can fly like from Florida to North Carolina in a couple hours. You can like pick your buddies up. Like. Hey, you want to go for an

airplane? You want to fly? Yeah, I'd love to fly. We'll hop in my airplane. We'll have a conversation while we fly across the southeast. But instead, you're like 35 miles an hour. I got tandem certified last week. Casey Neistat. Now it's for the real

challenge to find someone who wants to go. Yeah, that is actually kind of hard. I got a question from Reddit when I posted it about what we should discuss. A hypothetical. What would you actually do in a Purge-like

scenario? If you know the Purge is real and it's legal, and the Purge is tonight, what do you do to keep yourself safe or maybe to indulge your own fantasy of murdering someone? Is there time to prep? I don't know why you go with murder. Assume that you have already prepped.

Like, assume it's already in that, what are you going to do? And you have to assume also with this that there's an offensive idea for you, not just a stay at my home and cower up. Like you've got to have an idea for what you would do offensively against others. I think I want to rob a bank, right? I think I want to go rob the – there's a bank very close by.

I think I want to go up in there and just wipe everyone out and rob the bank, I think. What up? Yeah. Word. You'd rob a bank? Yeah, why not? I wonder how much money's in a bank. I mean, if you can get in the vault. It depends. If it's a federal bank, they've got a shitload of

money, but I bet you're like local Wachovia. I mean, they probably got a couple hundred grand in there. Yeah, I don't know why I'm that worried about it, because it's legal that night. I'm like, man, I don't know if it's worth it for 15 grand. Well, wait a minute. You're allowed to rob banks

that night, so maybe give it a go. The biggest challenge is the other people. Yeah, of course. Of course the number one thing would be to rob a bank like who among us hasn't spent hours thinking about just reconnect the mic kyle you got it but just who hasn't spent hours thinking about how you'd rob a bank and get away with it can you say you haven't because i have i don't know about hours but i've definitely thought about it like you go in there you cover your face you ask for the money I have. I don't know about hours, but I've definitely thought about it. Like, you go in there, you cover your face, you ask for the money.

They have to give it to you. You leave, you change clothes, and just be a different guy. Right? Isn't that the plan? That's what it would be, I would assume. But it's so much more multi-ass. All right, so here's how you rob a bank. All right?

So the time to do it is Halloween, right? Everybody's wearing fucking masks. Everybody's carrying bags You dress up as whatever Fucking werewolf You go in, rob the bank You walk out, change into a cowboy And you just walk away

With your pumpkin bag Full of cash Right, I just blend in with all the other 45 year old men at 2pm Dressed as werewolves Absolutely, you need a child with all the other 45 year old men at 2pm dressed as werewolves Absolutely, you need a child with you You take a kid with you and you're like, I'm taking my little son trick or treating

He's got the money No, that's pants on head retarded and also, we're due for another shot I can't be due for another shot I just had a shot I just had a shot and I just feel so ill You feel so ill a shot. And I just feel so ill. You feel so ill, do you?

I feel like I need to... I definitely need to do an advertisement, though. Every time I think of one, I feel like it's time to do one. So let me tell you about... All right, go ahead and do that. Tell me about Monster Hunter. If you've been playing games for a while,

no doubt you've slayed a dragon or some other mythological beast. But in Monster Hunter. If you've been playing games for a while, no doubt you've slayed a dragon or some other mythological beast. But in Monster Hunter Generations Ultimate, you're tasked with felling creatures only found in this deep, rewarding action RPG. Craft unique weapons and armor, then face down monsters with a giant inflatable shark and a T-Rex with a sword for a tail and a falcon dragon hybrid that has somehow gained the ability of jet propulsion. Each monster is a titanic challenge at first, but after studying its behavior and building proper gear, even the

strongest foe doesn't stand a chance. Learn the art of hunting and master different skills to help you fight these giant beasts more effectively. Hunt alone or play with your friends as you join quests with fellow players in pursuit of a massive roster of creatures who will stop at nothing to kill you. These foes, and more, await you

in this solo or online adventure. Monster Hunter Generations Ultimate is out now on Nintendo Switch. Visit your local retailer or MonsterHunter.com for more info. Sounds like a fucking ball. Make that happen. MonsterHunter.com. There's a link

down below. You can fight those monsters with the jet propulsion and the short tails. sounds like a barrel of fun people so if you don't check this out you are a fool they must you are a fool and a racist because i keep seeing stuff about it on ray like it's it's popular on social media so yeah people like it aren't we going to be playing a game with a fan soon yes uh deal games uh I have to get back to him. I've been slacking. Yeah, I would love to play... I don't know.

Honestly, I'd love to play PUBG because that's what I play the most and that's what I'm best at. But I guess I'll play whatever he wants to play. I hope he picks a game that's fun and not like fucking Minecraft or something. Some other game. PUBG, Fortnite,

CSGO, Tierra, Minecraft or any Borderlands. But Fortnite is his preferred choice. I'm down with any Borderlands. Borderlands is fun as shit. Dick, have you ever considered cutting your hair because that look is awful?

Jesus Christ. Because I look disgusting? Yeah, you know, you just look like the kind of person I would classify as sticky. Dick goes, let it out there. Give us your topics that you want to... You know, you're drunk.

It's the drunken PK episode. You can say anything you want. And Taylor goes with Dick is sticky. No, no. I mean, I don't... I don't be a much more handsome man without that big mane of... If I just cut everything off, I would. You should get it cut styled like Thor.

You'd look good. Yeah, shaved on the sides, a little longer on the top. Dick, you may not know this. Dick is a big fan of the man bun. Aren't you? Yeah. Yeah. Do you think it makes you look like a fag?

No, it's definitely, there's definitely a tremendous amount of faggery going on. Well, no one's questioning that. Faggotry going on. Uh, yeah.

So shady. I don't know, man, but come on. Dick, I'd fuck you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

You guys are so mean. I'd hit it. No. I don't have the speed to decide how much. Thank you, sweetheart. Did you say that was sweet of me? No, no. His sweetheart gave him some more alcohol, i'm sure i see yeah uh you're

right you're right you're right are you you're uh you you're fucking maddox's ex which means you literally cucked him right yeah it's true yeah that true. Does she give you any funny tales about their relationship where you're like, oh, that's hilarious. Where she's like, oh yeah, we were together. What are you fucking talking about? Come on, man.

What the fuck are you talking about? I have a related question. Now that you've cucked Maddox, is he required to vote Democrat? Yeah. Yeah. Yes. He didn't have to be told that.

That's a natural thing they always do but when when you are cucking maddox like do you get any funny tidbits from her about like oh yeah he was ridiculous with this that and the other thing or he was uh totally out of line with this. Like, I'm sure you get some really neat behind-the-music fucking VH1-style tidbits from this. Yeah. It's like... Whole other world, man. Fuck.

Yeah. Share it, dick. Fuck. Yeah. Share it, dick. Let us know. If you want to... We want to get into the deep dive here. What the fuck was Maddox about when he was with her? Because I guarantee she has spilled some fantastically juicy stories. Well, no, because it's nothing that's it's nothing that she would say.

It's just that God, all really all relationships are like you're you're dead. Fucked you up and spit it out. So nothing like hyper specific about Maddox. No, no. Yeah. he wanted me to do this in bed and it was like nothing akin to that you can show what you like weird stuff no that's not gonna happen so it's uh how did the process of her going from him to you happen like it was there a gap there or did she like you? Did she wish she was with you while she was with him?

She moved on to the host that was actually funny. There was a long time. There was a big gap. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like, oh yeah, good. You finally split off from this asshole.

Oh, well that's not that crazy. No. split off from this asshole well that's not that crazy no I thought you swept her off her feet while she was still with him or something well but what do you if you're like oh god I'm very fucking drunk safe place. Yeah, if you... If you just kind of chill out, it's like... I can't even fucking... I can't even contemplate this. As Dick is doing this for the audio-only listeners,

Kyle is holding his nose, trying to keep back the hiccups because he's so drunk uh but you're so so nothing significant happened that that kind of triggered that transition from maddox to you it was more just she realized this guy's a douche i mean like maddox's girlfriends have always hit me up like they're on tinder they always fucking hit me up um and this is not this is not unique I guess that's what I'll say can you uh because something I thought was hilarious as a viewer of biggest problem in the universe was uh when he made a huge to-do about bringing snacks to it where that was one of his big claims to fame where

he's like yeah you know i i am here and i record it all and i also i bring the snacks that was literally what he said he said i bring the snacks dick he said tell me if i'm wrong he said i record the show and i bring the snacks yes yeah that was like a huge to do like oh my god i gotta buy pretzel sticks every week oh my is that what it was what kind of snacks would he bring? Pretzel sticks is lame as shit, but was he bringing some nachos? Was he bringing some Irish nachos? Yeah, was he bringing

wasabi peas? Right? That's what the... That's what we're looking for. I brought the pistachios! Pistachios are badass. What was it like doing every episode with him, knowing that you hated him as a person?

It felt like a good show. That was what a good show would be. Let's focus on how we can sell this, and we're going sell it and um it was as a longtime viewer it was fucking infuriating that every week he made you bring the silly one like he never let you bring uh so basically the way biggest problem worked is that one of them they would both bring a problem about the world the u.s what have you okay and there was you know an unspoken paradigm of one has to be realistic one has to be silly that's the whole point you know that you can make a joke out of

one of them and maddox always seemed to corner the market on the ones that were semi-serious and he would not allow dick to bring ones that were serious and then when things happened like libertarianism which Maddox brought in as a problem and in which he exposed his total ineptitude and retardation in regard to understanding global politics not that libertarianism is correct. I think they're wrong a lot. It's fucked, man. Libertarians are fucked. He basically forces you to always take the harder position. Yeah, I think when you go extreme

with the libertarianism, it starts to not make sense. It's like, well, maybe we need a fire department. Maybe they haven't thought it through. Like, oh yeah, we'll just dump pollution in the air and if you don't like it, you can sue the coal company. Yeah, that'll go well.

You'll sue them through the government. That doesn't exist in my world. You make 18 grand a year. How are you going to sue Duke Energy? Good luck with that. But I do like the idea of... Pot. No.

That's like the libertarian thing. They're all like, yeah, we're going to legalize it. I mean, legalize everything, really i i think they should legalize heroin and you know uh cocaine and methamphetamine and all that stuff you think they should legalize everything everything i i don't i don't think that anyone should tell you what you can do with your fucking body it's yours taylor yours like think about Think about that for a minute. Forget about society and forget about social norms and morality. Forget about the implications of your decision.

Yeah, okay. No, no, no, no, no. Definitely don't forget about the implications of your decision because these are personal choices you're making, and that part is very important because now you are in control it now you are the one who has to decide what is good for you and bad for you and you alone and no one else right like like yeah like if heroin were legal and there was a heroin store right down the road i wouldn't go buy any fucking heroin i'm not a dumbass i wouldn't go buy any methamphetamine i'm prescribed

adderall i mean that's good enough people are dumb asses that they would go by heroin and let them die that's why and now let them die let them die let them die let us all be on the hook for their medical bills yeah no no no no see that's the other part of libertarianism i'm not paying for your medical bills if you want to go and uh and poison yourself and die then you on your own. This is my issue with libertarianism. I feel like they haven't thought it through, right? I don't know if you have insurance or not, so I have to treat you. I can't just assume that you're insured or uninsured to make this call. So you come into the emergency room and you get treatment and we'll worry about the money later. That's the way the system works. If you don't do that, then people with insurance will die too. But that's not the way the system

works under this magical libertarian... It has to work that way. I'm on Woody's side with this. That's how insurance works. What if I'm in a bathing suit when I'm hurt and I don't have my insurance card on me? I die? You're in some sort of registry. Yeah, you're dead, man. I'm in a bathing suit at this point.

They haven't even identified me. You have to treat people and then figure out who they are later. I'm in a bathing suit at this point They haven't even identified me Yeah You have to treat people And then figure out who they are later What happened to you That you can't tell them who you are I'm unconscious You're dead

It was an awful paramotor accident But they could save me I just don't have my insurance card on me I know your father will not like this That's when you get that microchip The beast You know, I just don't have my insurance card on me. I know your father will not like this. That's when you get that microchip, right? The mark of the beast? You suggest?

Do I also pay with it on my right hand? I suggest that you get the mark of the beast, and then that way, you know, this won't be an issue. Mark of the beast plus libertarianism? I don't think that's very libertarian of you. No, this is fair because... This is the last thing of libertarianism. We need big government to put chips in our hand. That's a libertarian... We need big government to put chips in our hand. That's a libertarian role.

I attempted to have a good faith debate with Papa Woodworth. I attempted. But he is too intimidated by my biblical knowledge. He's not willing to come on the show. He knows that my biblical knowledge is untouchable. Any one of you who knows more about the Bible,

come at me. I'll fucking rebuke you. My father has a way of talking to people disrespectfully. Oh, I welcome it. I welcome it wholeheartedly because I have a way of talking to people that's also disrespectful.

He would just be like, I don't know, he'll often point out maybe how young you are how little world experience you have or you just sort of wrap it all up and like well you would think that you haven't seen and done what i have thus far that's true i haven't lived my father so uh but it's not just a god thing like prior to that. Woody's parents, or Woody's mom, rather, listens to the show. And she hears all of the offensive nonsense we spout. And Woody's mom and dad are very, very religious.

Like, very Christian. And I have a bit on the show where I will tell Bible stories. Because I know a fuck ton about the Bible. And he hams it up a little. When he tells a Bible story, yeah, he adds a lot of funny to it. I add a lot of funny to it. But Woody's dad is too,

and this is the narrative I'm going with, Woody's dad is too afraid to debate me about biblical knowledge because he knows that he's a pop christian who knows the beatitudes oh mark matthew 5 oh my god yeah i know all about the attitudes that's really interesting no come at me about the bible i will slaughter you i would bet you know what despite the fact he's a devout Christian, I bet I've read more of the Bible than him.

Now that's where I think you might be wrong. He is, okay, he goes to Bible. I have Deuteronomy all over you. He goes to Bible school three times a week. Exodus 20, 21. He goes to Bible school three times a week because he can't find a fourth. He is all about the Bible.

When he's not in Bible class, just debating and talking and discussing Bible stuff, he's watching YouTube videos about the Bible. This is the equivalent of someone on the Marvel subreddit arguing about Thanos. Do you know how I get into hobbies? When I'm not on the Marvel subreddit talking about the Infinity Gauntlet,

I'm on the Marvel website talking about... I get into hobbies at a level that like most people can't relate to my father's done that with the bible and and i would he's hard to stump clearly with the reality bring him on here and his unstumpability will become apparent immediately because i know a fuck ton about the Bible. I've read it a half dozen times. I know the shit there. Will you bet on it?

I would bet everything I have. Woody, will your dad bet on it? No, my father wouldn't be interested in doing it. Maybe in private. And I'm in this weird spot where I'm trying to figure out which mathematician is smarter. I don't know. I'm unqualified to judge. They're both so far out of my league. I can't tell which mathematician is smarter. Jesus. This is Taylor. He's been washed in the blood of the lamb. I have been washed in

the blood of the lamb and I know the arguments of the lamb. I know all of them i know from start to finish like i there is nothing i would be more comfortable debating than christianity yes like i i know so much more about christianity than the average christian it's baffling because i've actually fucking read it most of those fuckers don't read shit they don't care my father sounds good this is the thing about my dad like so he's read the bible too he's probably read it multiple times right so he's not going to be uh unprepared probably more than me that's possible yeah but after he'll like read it or something he really likes to collect other opinions on what he just read he really likes to get you know some analysis on it and that's where i you start losing me as a guy who doesn't know

anything where it's like really so you read it and then you ask somebody else to like exactly it's supposed to be god's spoken word that you interpret on its own merit it's not supposed to be something that you have to filter through other individuals that's the whole reason that jesus hated the pharisees is jesus hated the sadducees and the pharisees because they maintained the belief that you can't read this on your own you need me to interpret it for you those dirty catholics to make sure and that's why jesus hated the pharisees because they told everyone who followed them, you can't understand the word of the Lord unless you get it

through me. And that's totally antithetical to the gospel of Christianity, which is meant to be a personal revelation. Gospel! It's a gospel. So Taylor, why did you stop? It's a gospel, man! Dick did you stop christian gospel man dick are you christian uh he's not

okay taylor even though he's a mexican he's not christian how did you lose the gift of faith taylor like what happened to you so basically like it got to like uh around mid-teens i was like you know if i'm gonna believe this shit, I should know what they're saying. I should know. I was terrified. When I was 12, I got put on fucking SSRIs because I was so horrified.

Is that a meal that the army eats? No, SSRIs are like Prozac or Wellbutrin or one of those drugs. Prevents you from being gay. It didn't work. Basically. It's a sad thing.

It didn't work for me. But basically, like, I looked at all that shit, and I read it, and I was like, if I'm going to be a Christian, I should know what the Bible says. Like, that kind of makes me a shit-tier Christian if I don't know. And I read through it all, and by the time I got to to job which is about a third of the way through the bible even before you get to the minor prophets and whatnot i realized fuck i don't believe this at all this is evil like the the old testament god is isn't just bad he He's fucking evil.

I saw a statistic today. God kills 2.4 million people in the Bible. The devil kills 9 or 10. Julia Sweeney had the same experience as you, Taylor. You might not know her name, but she played Pat in Saturday Night Live, the can't tell if she's a girl or a boy thing.

I'm not familiar with her. You know it's Pat, right, from SNL? Yeah. Sounds familiar, but I haven't heard of Pat. That's before his time. It's the androgynous character. The whole bit was you didn't know if it was a girl or a guy. And she kept saying things and making jokes that further made that mysterious.

She's like, ah, well, that doesn't clear things at all. It just makes it more difficult. I was born in 91. yeah yeah oh okay i thought it might have been one of those snl things that outlived the time it was live but anyway um she got into the bible she had some questions for her priest and he was unable to answer them so she read it and then like when she read the bible and found out it was actually in it it made her much less Christian. She stopped believing just like you. Exactly.

And she sees other people carrying the Bible and she's like, do you guys know what's in that? Do you know what it says? If you knew what it says, then like, I remember one thing she said in particular. She was talking about the Virgin Mary. And she's like, would it have been so horrible if Mary had had sex? Why are they so, like, precipitated on this virgin thing? Like, she wouldn't be a good mother had she had sex with a guy to create

Jesus? Like, that's bad? Well, having sex with a guy, she needs to have sex with God, right? I guess. She needs to have sex with God, right? You can't get too into analyzing the Bible because, frankly, it's retarded. You can analyze it until the cows come home, but even so, it's nonsense. You have to be able to differentiate. I would sooner argue about a Marvel comic book right now. It's just nonsense.

It's nonsense, and the people believe in nonsense if they believe it as a factual representation of some shit that actually happened. I do believe that it helps some people live a better life. Totally does. So does reading a Marvel fucking comic book. Captain America. No one has lived a better life because they read about that fag, Captain America, you know, being a douche. I hate him.

He's got a shield. You're lucky he fought the Nazis off. You want the Red Skull running this country? I don't fucking think so. You're lucky Captain America was there. Yeah, Taylor, I don't think you appreciate what you have. I would beat the shit out of Captain America Steve Rogers would fuck you in your pussy ass right in his face that wouldn't do anything

he'd bite your hand with his super soldier teeth oh would he would he would he get me with his magic oh my god I'm so afraid this'10 guy is gonna get me with his magic. No, fuck him. Nonsense. He would leadership you to death. He would leadership me to death. He would force me to become part of his little enclave of douchebags. You got like a circus clown.

Captain America's a badass motherfucker. He's not. Are you serious? Captain America's the badass motherfucker. Dude, bitch press is like 800 pounds. He's literally strong. you serious? Captain America's the best. Dude, bench press is like 800 pounds. He's literally strong. Oh, wow. Wow. You know, in my made-up world, my guy named Ted Stevenson,

he can bench press 1,000 pounds. Even more than your made-up douche. Does that make him impressive? No. I fucking hate when you get into debates about superheroes with people and they start bringing up stats. Where they're like, well, did you know this guy,

the Hulk can bench press 30,000 pounds. No, I didn't know that. I didn't know that, retard. Of course I didn't. I feel the same way when I argue with religion someone and they start bringing up stats. Alright, so you understand the retardation of it. That's the point I'm trying

to make, you drunk bitch. No, I'm not going to be offended. You made my point. Yeah, I'm happy with that. Oh, good. There we go. Take your sunglasses off. There you go. It's very bright in here all of a sudden. You know the 800-pound thing?

Did you Google that? Because that's actually true. I just knew it. Yeah, you're right on that. Yeah. It's not even a world record. No. There are people who could bench press more than Captain America.

Yeah, but they're not nearly as agile. I agree. I would take him in the octagon. Yeah, but they're not nearly as agile. I agree. I would take him in the octagon. And they probably don't have as... There's a guy who can do exactly what the superhero I'm a fan of says, but he can't do it in the

way I like. No, it's true. You've seen him with their tight shirts on. Thor Gunderson can barely... can't even wipe his own ass, but he can bench press 800. That's useless, all right? Fucking Captain America can bench 800 and do a backflip. Captain America can pick up a car. Captain America is a dumb douchebag who couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag against a real fighter.

That's just not even true. No, he's very good at fighting. That's one of the things he can do. One of the best ever Pretty much beat up Iron Man. Yeah, I like I like So many people will get upset Jesus Christ could totally not forgive you for all of your sins. He's good. He washes away all sin all of your sins he's good he washes away all sin uh-uh yes he does i haven't talked to my dad since that episode where he didn't want to be on the show i kind of i'm a little worried that he's

not happy oh so uh dick if you don't know on our last episode uh i wanted to have a debate with what his dad this is how it spawned so Taylor said the worst thing he ever did, something maybe, was as the collection plate went around, I don't know if he took money from the plate or if he just didn't no, no, to be fair, I did not

take money from the plate but I would take money that my parents gave me and keep it I wouldn't put it in the plate so he didn't take was intended for the place gave me and keep it yeah i wouldn't put it in the plate so he didn't take other people's money he just uh intercepted the money on the on its way to the plate so i was going to bring my father in and just find out how fucked taylor was about his sinner history and uh i was like you know on speakerphone like hey dad just you know you should know you're on the show uh taylor wants to know about the severity of his

sin and he's like i don't want to do this get me out of this and i was like oh okay i'll just respect that sorry dad good night and i said on twitter to someone who responded i said that is because woody's dad is fearful of my knowledge of biblicism taylor one does. Woody's dead zero. Me won. Woody's dead zero. Because I know so much about the Bible, he would be terrified to debate me. He looks at people like me

who've read the Bible and they're dead. We all have dads. We all have dads. No, but his dad is a literal boomer. Yes. Yeah, he's actually a baby boomer. When was your dad born?

I think he's 71 now. So I'll do a little. Okay, so like late 40s. Right? Yeah, I'm actually just doing the math uh it'd be like 47 ish 47 okay i'm glad that you got it off by one so i didn't look like an ass needing a calculator i appreciate that if you would figure it out in your head while i was typing it that would have sucked you know i'll always be mathematically tactically off by

one just to make sure you guys feel good yeah you're good that way yeah so dick yo what's your next move against or in response to maddox and his horseshit oh simple. I'm gonna sue him. You are? Yeah, oh yeah. I'm gonna sue him in small claims court. Small claims, so less than 5,000 damages. 10,000. 10,000. So you're gonna sue him for 10 grand. Yep, 10 grand.

And what are your 10,000 dollars worth of damages? Well, uh, I've got um, um, um, images well uh i've got um um taking control of the itunes feed okay that's one uh and what he owes me for well you shouldn't undersell that itunes feed thing because that was an audience you both built up and he totally seized. Well, yeah. That's number one is Okay, that's number one.

That's number one is number two is Woody, I fucking see you, man. What did I do? Now you're giggling, you asshole. Sorry. We're just trying to shut it down. I'm really not following this whole conversation, but i feel like i'm the villain somehow me fucking either because i'm drunker than fuck that's the problem it's

time for a shot yeah yes yes yes yes woody is far far far too coherent yeah yeah woody you need uh i'm saying let's do a double for Woody. I'm the shiniest. You're probably right. I'll take a giant drink of this. And I'm also tweeting about it. As with all our drinking episodes, I give updates. I say Kyle, colon, fucking hammered, suggesting a shot now.

Woody. I do think it's very fucked up. Drunk, but courteous. Thank you. I wish Tito's was a fucking sponsor. This would be prime time. Why do I spill every shot? Unanimous gold medal winner of the World Spirit Competition.

Gluten-free, distilled six times. Tito's vodka. Mmm, smooth. How much do you have left in your bottle, Taylor? Fuck a duck taylor what about that other thing that you said you had poured like do you still have two shots in a glass or is that done oh yeah no no i uh i have two shots in here. What is that? Why is that so much fluid? Sparkling water. It's that and polar raspberry lime sparkling water. Can you taste the raspberry, or is it just like a hint of a suggestion of raspberry?

It's a teeny hint of raspberry with alcohol dominating the flavor. I do not approve of this trend of water that has just a false advertising label. You know what I'm loving is how clearly exhausted and drunk Dick and Kyle are. Kyle is so drunk he's got

fucking sunglasses inverted on his head to try and make it look like he still has his eyes open. You guys want to fight about this or what yeah? Me and Kyle fucking fight you guys all day every day. I want to If we did a pka fight Kyle verse dick Now I gotta say like how tall are you dick six foot yeah seven foot seven

seven or eight feet tall he said six all right dick is at least seven feet tall which means that kyle you got to be quick yeah you got it dick versus kyle would be a good. I would honestly right now put my money on Dick because I'm looking at those arms and they look solid. But Dick is also undoubtedly worse in cardio. But he's Mexican. That means you can hit him all day and nothing happens. He can trim a mean shrub. But what is he going to do? day and yeah it's like a mexican thing for people that don't know this like like there yeah there

are a couple things that mexicans are really good at uh impregnating white broads i was i was gonna say enduring heat in baseball uh-huh enduring heat in baseball it doesn't bother them somehow and getting punched in the chin also doesn't bother them somehow but but dick you're also like all on the build the wall train yeah well yeah of course man no i'm not saying that as a derogatory thing i am as well but yeah you you want a wall put up to keep the rest of those Mexicans out. Yes. Why, do you not? No, I want criminals coming into our country freelance.

No, I think it would be great. A wonderful thing. No, of course I'm on the same side as you. I'm on the other side. You think that we should allow an open border with Mexico? Well, you've gone too far i just don't think the wall is the most efficient way to enforce the border right what do you what do you think the most efficient way is i don't know i keep hearing about things like drones i mean they

have drones where someone they detect movement the drone goes up they investigate it it's cheaper than like a trillion tons of concrete what if the drone just blew them up on on on site well see there's an issue with that because you might kill innocent deer and stuff I don't think there's any what about criminal deer they're a big problem in the southwest, I understand I think That's a strong counterpoint I would have no issue with the drones taking out the criminal deer

No, I think a big moat is the answer I don't know why it has to be a wall It seems like a moat is the real answer You want us to build a fucking moat? Wait, wait, no, Kyle's right We build a big moat, a deep one We put Panama out of business. That's what people will cross.

Ooh, you're talking about making a new canal there. A canal with a series of blocks. I'm pretty sure that we built the Panama Canal. Kyle, I agree with you on all this, but that is half-past retarded. To want a moat to protect us? I don't know why everybody acts like the moat has gone out of style. Exactly. You ever try crossing a moat?

I don't think so. We need a moat and one billion crocodiles and we'll be set. Good point. No, you don't put crocodiles in there. You put like... And what do you got that's better than crocodiles? Alligators?

I feel like piranhas. Fucking rhinoceros. No, I'm on one side. I can't's better than crocodiles? Alligators? Fucking rhinoceros No, I'm on Woody's side You can fill it with crocodiles And you keep that moat safe You fucked up, you just lost the election, dude That's it You're done You're gonna be walking in the woods with Hillary

Alright, everybody hold up your bottles. Hold up your bottles. It doesn't do it. Woody, Woody, hold up your bottles. Hold up your fucking spirits of elderberry. You fucking nerd. I don't. Hey, uh... Oh, Tito's, Tito's... Dick, Dick, turn yours to the side so we can see. What do you mean?

We can't see through the fucking label that you're holding up there we go kyle is killing that but kyle he started with a full fifth did all of it really go into kyle yeah there's uh jesus christ there's a little more in the mixed drink ah it's weird we're talking and then like out of the blue, Kyle's audio got really good and he said, there's a... But it was perfect. There's a... I'm chatty.

Look at this fucking guy. He's going to kill it. He's going to end the fifth and then I'll have a half hour of a non-drinking show. I have another fifth. You don't need another fifth, Kyle. I'm a friend. You won. Congratulations.

Alright, let's have another big drink. Eh. I just, I I honestly thought, Kyle, when you were like, oh, I bought a fresh bottle, I was like, oh, I'll keep up with him.

I'll keep up. I can't fucking believe that you have demolished a whole fifth of vodka in this time. That's insane. That's fucking insane. Dick is agreeing with me through his facial movements. Even if, like, his terrible hair is shown. Terrible hair? Fuck you, Taylor.

What do you mean terrible hair? All right, Taylor, let's do this. Seriously. No joke, no bullshit. Stack rank the hair on this panel. Best to worst. Okay. I will, uh... I'll stack stack rank oh kyle's going to vomit

or something kyle i would put number one he has very good hair number two i would put maybe a tie between you and dick just because like dick like, Dick's hair, there's a fucking lot of it. That is true. There's a lot of it. So I'd probably go Kyle, and then you, and then maybe me. I have very thick Italian hair.

A lot of hair, but I can't compete with Dick's swag. The fact that he grows that hair out. And just look at the edges of Dick's hair. That's dry hair. That's dry hair that you have not moisturized enough. Let's be fair here, Dick.

To be honest, maybe I just like short hair because I put myself on top. Me and then oddly Dick, Kyle, then Taylor. Now, Taylor, I will say this about your hair. I know I put you last, but back when you wore that cosplay Superman hair, I think you might have won it all. I may have. If I let my hair get out of control, there will always be like a swoop right here a little little superman thing but yeah and it was the start of the show kyle made a joke said you know

taylor's obviously here doing superman cosplay you weren't even on the show at the time it was like i don't know 90 or something and uh it was awesome i like the joke i like the hair me too i like the complimentary jokes so kyle you're looking like you are uh on the back seat of the struggle bus i i uh you had another one you you you brought another bottle of vodka? All right, we'll take that one, Slop. Yeah. You had multiple bottles of vodka? Is it the same kind?

Settle down with that, Kyle. Yeah, it's Tito's. Can I ask you, do you like the taste of it? Oh, no. No, no. No one likes the taste of this. The taste of alcohol. What about, like, three drinks? Because I don't like the taste of this the taste of alcohol what about like three because i don't like the taste of grand gala but to be honest at this point i almost do right like once i get a

good five shots in shot six is kind of sweet yeah see this is another thing on my list when kyle is truly fucked we all take a drink we i just took a big one oh and you're gonna have another i you're gonna do great woody you're fine like i can tell from your from your hold on fucking uh okay i can tell from wo Woody's demeanor that he is A-okay taking another shot. Alright. Woody's wondering, Woody's doing a fucking loop, man.

He's standing up to ensure his drunkenness, and I... I'll do another one. Alright. Kyle? No, Kyle, you don't do one. No, I'll do one. No don't do one No, I will I just gotta I gotta work up to it. Hang on Kyle From someone who can only see you through a small window on Skype. You are fucked guys

Dick finish your thought No it's just funny What in the fuck is happening Welcome to the drinking episode What are we doing What the fuck are we doing We're taking another shot We're taking another shot Dick Nail it out in every

In every conceivable fashion What the fuck? Can we take it in sync? It seems like we're all going to have one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kyle, are you ready? Come. Ready, set, go.

Yeah, ready, set, go. Come. Oh, I made that drink way too strong oh well i'm glad we're all doing well kyle you look beyond fucked i'm good you've got like a a foraging squirrel look on your face right now. It's because he's got nuts in his mouth. Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker. You got nuts in your mouth. You love it.

You love tasting nuts in your mouth. Balls. Right? Durka. Of course Are you Dick Taylor what are you vaping

Are you What the fuck is what This is just regular nicotine This isn't like rock or something exciting Do you get addicted to nicotine Oh yeah People get addicted to nicotine all the time. How about when you self

evaluate? Yeah, I'm definitely semi-addicted to nicotine. I was always that guy in college who was like, I don't smoke. I just smoke socially

when people are drinking. It was it was like well you're doing that every weekend so you kind of do smoke in a way like you kind of smoke weekends though if you take five days off you do but still it was a thing of like okay i i am smoking cigarettes on the weekends, but I should not. And that's why with this thing, it's so easy. Like, so many little fags will buy mint or mango fruit, like, flavors for this, because, frankly, it's marketed to young people, to children, to try and get them addicted to nicotine.

Whereas I will always buy. Like Virginia tobacco flavor. Like I want to get that. Cigarette hit back. But. Fuck. Are you fucked up Kyle? Oh he might be.

He drank. A fifth plus. I wish I had a cigarette now. Yeah you gotta get yourself one of these. Get a flavor of Virginia tobacco. It's pretty good. It feels pretty much...

Okay, then get menthol. Does that make you black? Yeah, I always smoked with black guys. Yeah, definitely. When I was always working with black guys and they always smoked with black guys. Yeah, definitely. When I was always working with black guys, and they always smoked Cools or Newports, so I always smoked Cools or Newports. I always thought they smelled better.

They taste better, too. It tastes like, I always say, my brand of cigarettes of choice are Marlboro Smooths, and they're peppermint. They're not menthol. What do those look like, Marlboro smooths and they're peppermint. They're not menthol. What do those look like? Blue. It's a light blue color.

They taste like peppermint. I mean, peppermint cigarettes anyway. That was always definitely my cigarette of choice. Chiz smokes those Camel Crush, which have this little,

in the filter, there's this little ball that you bite with your teeth, and it crushes. You don't bite it, you squeeze it. I bite it. And you bite it, and it pops,

and it releases menthol goo into the filter of the cigarette, and the cigarette tastes like menthol goo into the filter of the cigarette and the cigarette tastes like you know menthol or whatever but see i uh when i do decide to smoke a cigarette i like those those crushes yeah i like the option of having the menthol yeah you can smoke it without crushing it yeah you can smoke it without crushing it and it'll taste like normal tobacco. And then if you pop it right in the filter, it'll

taste very cold and menthol-y. Which, Kyle, are you dying right now? I thought I might throw up, but I'm good. Okay. I'm good. I don't like any of those things. Do you want to take the sunglasses off? I like them.

My eyes hurt less. You look like a fag. How dare you? Well, fags look like just regular people. Look at that. He's looking less faggy. Less or more. Pulling it back and up

I like my sunglasses they're a sponsor they're a sponsor is it movement yeah of course it's movement is it one of our other sunglass sponsors I don't track them I like these a lot

these are the sunglasses that I wear most of the time. Big fan. They're polarized. They keep the glare bare from hurting my eyes. And I'm a big fan. You're the fact. All right, we got to all take another shot. We just took a shot.

We did, but Woody, you got to get on our level. We're all pretty drunk I don't feel like you are I wanna spit, would that be rude? Just spit off screen My head hurts And I'm sweating Don't do something gross like that

Did he just do it? I missed it Did he spit on the floor? Spit on the glass. I just got a lot of mucus. A lot of mucus. Did Dick change shirts, or is that the shirt he's been wearing? No, I changed shirts.

Yeah, are we sweaty? I didn't notice. I changed it. Did you get so sweaty you changed shirts? Yeah. I'm like Alex Jones, man. Yeah. Well, you know, the thing is about that i wasn't actually

looking i was not looking at tranny porn that is a fucking conspiracy you will be sold there are two kinds of people people who look at porn and people who lie about looking at porn but i don't look at porn on my work phone. That fucking guy was looking at chicks with dicks, and now he's acting like he wasn't, and it's hilarious. Yeah. I know Kyle is our resident proponent of chicks with dicks. Right?

He wasn't doing it. He's innocent. Alex Jones is innocent. Nothing wrong with that. Alex Jones is innocent. Alex Jones is guilty of something that is okay. I think there's a lot of dudes out there that are much, much hotter

than a lot of the girls out there. That fucking... That fucking red-headed abomination that's on the cover of Cosmo. Holiday. That fucking monster fucking redheaded abomination that's on the cover of Cosmo. Holiday. I could find that. That fucking monster.

Dude, Holiday. That fucking monster who's trying to encourage me to be overweight. I'll find you five fucking dudes in five minutes that I'd rather fuck than that. Yeah. Loch Ness had a baby with Bigfoot

and Tess Holiday was born. And the dudes are getting hotter and born. Tess Holliday isn't a model. She's a fucking monster. She's a monster. She should be a warning to all people of what not to do. If there was a new Hitler and he was like, he wanted to

get those people. He was like, those people, like Tess Holliday are the ones who were like, he didn't even mind calling. And we are going to eliminate the fatties! We are going to eliminate the gluttons! I feel like that's what I need to lose

my last ten pounds. A new fat-hating Hitler. Like a Hitler? Yeah. All that you need, Woody, is to go to the house of Martin! Eat it, do it!... See, like, the thing when you watch Hitler speeches is you realize... Yeah, but Woody's right. He had a point.

That's where you're going with this, Taylor? Please, finish your thought. I didn't realize. Maybe we were on the wrong side of this whole thing. The thing about watching Hitler speeches for me is I realize they're all in German. And I don't know what he's saying. He's so intense. He's so intense. He's talking

shit. He had a real plan. I can tell that he's very passionate about what he's saying, but I can't tell what he's saying. Kyle is... Kyle looks like he's about to yet.

Alright, for everyone out there who says that we don't drink enough Kyle is about to vomit uh Dick has no inkling of vomit or anything because he is a uh what I would a functional and how dare you

Woody I'll fight you you'll fight me I'm down man let's do it you want Woody, I'll fight you. You'll fight me? I'm down, man. Let's do it. You want to fight? I'm a little taller than you, and I'll do a little bit of fucking boxing training, and I'll take you down.

I'm as broad as a barn, my friend. My money's on Taylor over there. I feel like he's going to up and uh and just be a a terror to behold yeah if you like if you want to fight me i will do everything in my power to make sure i'm as powerful as possible yeah i'm not one of those fat losers I get that Oh no I'll just No I will put everything into it

And I will fight You wanna fight? Well I don't think you wanna lose right? Woody's fucking pointing out Pointing out shit I can't tell You can't tell but I'm pointing towards Kyle No I can't tell. I think Woody's pointing towards you. You can't tell, but I'm pointing towards Kyle. No, I would be totally down,

but I'm also really scared by the fact that you know how to box. Oh, wait, Dick knows how to box? Yeah, Dick knows how to box. That's a big problem. If we were to fight right now, he would beat the shit out of me. Dick, what's your boxing background?

I should have assumed, because you're're Mexican that you knew how to box. Thank you. Just like sparring. Are you actually six foot or are you like one of those Tinder, I'm six foot? That's what I am. I'm like 5'11", but six foot on Tinder. Find out. Find out. those tinder i'm six that's what i am i'm like 5 11 but six foot on tinder find out find out i'm i might be one of the the only guys in the world to lie about my hide so wait you how many years

did you box uh like two yeah i boxed for like one already and my coach beat the shit out of me routinely it was terrible me too. Yeah. You can punch this head and do nothing but bruise your hand. A big part of it is bravery. Being able to get punched in the head and keep your eyes open and see the whole fight.

I would totally fight Dick if it came up. I would be the shit out of Dick. I would never. Yeah, no. See, if we were betting on this, I think I would bet on Dick over you, Kyle. No, I'd be the shit out of Dick.

All right, let's go. Training counts for a lot, right? Any fucking time. It's like I can play the guitar better than Dick. Well, Woody, have you ever played? No, I suck at guitar. I just really am passionate. I get really into music.

You're underestimating Dick. You can see his arms right now in his shirt. He's busting out of it. You're missing my point. I'm saying that. He would never be able to touch me. No, I'm way too fast. I'm way too fast.

First of all, he's never seen the, oh brother, where art thou? fighting style. Yeah. He'd have nothing for that, okay? I can't fucking stop it. I can't defend against it. And I would be, it would be like fucking dynamite when I touched him. It would just be

just be a fucking explosion of dominance and masculinity. You wouldn't... How dare you? Are you talking about me fighting or you? What's that? No, me fighting. I would just dominate Dick.

I'd grab him by the hair for sure. I'm fighting dirty. Dick, where in the country are you? L.A., man. L.A.? He's half Mexican. Of course he lives in l.a i should have thought i'm headed up everybody come on out let's fucking fight big time let's everybody you fucking smiling smug lords you fucking cock suckingucking shade-ass motherfucker.

Taylor, you prick. Let's go. Come on out. This might be the alcohol talking, but I'd want to do it. I'm not mad at you or anything. Come on out. Everybody come on out. Stay at my house. Let's all fucking fight. Seriously, how far are you from Lake Berryessa?

I'm headed out. I would beat the shit out of you. I think I'd lose, but I enjoy the afternoon. I would beat the shit out of you and I would piss on you. He's got two years of boxing.

I don't have to worry about it. I'm bigger, stronger, and younger than all of you. We're not boxing. What are we doing? we're not wearing gloves dick where's your next hands and road show tar and glass hold on because i i want to dick i know you do the road show road rage where's your next one showing up? You guys are the drunkest looking motherfuckers ever. Look at Kyle. Look at his fucking eyes.

Look at this fucking guy. This is my look of intensity. Kyle looks like a goddamn maniac right now. This is my look of intensity. But Dick, where's your next roadshow? Where is that happening? Probably Seattle. Seattle. Seattle! goddammit. That's so fucking far from me.

Come to LA. Come to LA. I'll just hop on a plane from St. Louis to LA. Oh, you're in Seattle, Dick? No, he's in LA, but he's having a second. So Dick does a thing called the Road Rage show, right?

Where you show up in many different cities and you have live action shows that you put on. And I'm pretty sure Asterios is present for most of those, right? Yeah. What are you eating over there? We should really get Asterios. He's hilarious. I like the idea of food.

I hadn't even considered that Oh I ate so much before we started I knew this was going to be fucking rough I ate a ton of greasy food You guys are fucked Yeah I knew this was going to be fucking rough I normally never have

And then I had eggs and cheese Eggs and cheese Yeah that'll be friendly coming up You know it looked terrible going down, but I read on the internet it's what you eat before drinking. You ate eggs and cheese? Could the internet be wrong? It said

protein and stuff. Well, that's ridiculous. For some reason, I had this idea that greasy food would be best, so I ate some french fries and some hot wings right before we started. And then I drank...

I bought two of these one and a half liter bottles of Fiji and I drank one before we started. And I'm getting pretty deep into this one. Alright, well we're getting pretty close. Kyle, hold up your bottle because I feel like I'm... Which one?

Asshole. The one you're drinking out of. Well, I mean, there's this one and it's... Ow. Oh. You asshole. So you drank the whole bottle. You're just catching up to that now? Yeah, I drank the whole bottle.

You got a second bottle. Do you remember that conversation? Yeah, I do, but I didn't know that he actually cashed that whole first bottle. And then I made sure that nobody was going to give me shit so I finished off the mixed drink too. Oh, shit! That'll clean up.

Jesus. Okay, I feel like a bitch. Yeah. You kind of are a faggot. You know, when you're right, you're right. I feel like being a bitch and a faggot is my thing and we've all accepted that, right? Do I have to drink more?

No, you have to drink. You do have to drink. How much would you pay to fuck Elena? Like a reasonable amount. Are you talking about Elena? Excuse me. Yeah.

Let's start with Dick. If we're talking about Elena. Hypothetical single Dick, what do you pay? I would pay over $30 to fuck Elena. Over $30 you say? Well that's a lot of numbers. Most numbers are over $30 to fuck Elena. Over $30, you say? Well, that's a lot of numbers. Over $30.

Most numbers are over $30, actually. Yeah. Yeah, like over nothing. Most numbers are over $30. Over nothing. I'm not big on paying for sex, but... I guess if the scenario were you get to do whatever you want, right? I could definitely plunk down a grand.

Would that make you want her more if she told you, you can do whatever you want, Kyle? No, that would be worse. That would be worse? That would be worse for her. Dick, what are you thinking? Why would that be less if you could do anything you want? I immediately punch her in the mouth. Yeah.

Call your blood. Call your blood bitch. She's full of shit. If I could do anything I want, I'd double my price. Yeah, Kyle's got it. Oh, really? Anything I want? Anything I want? I got a big green shit on deck you're going to love.

No, I definitely would put down a thousand i i don't like the idea of paying for sex though like people say that like paying for uh like dating is in uh is essentially paying for sex right and it's kind of the same thing but but i enjoy dating right like i enjoy going out to dinner with the the chick they act like that has no value whatsoever and you're not getting anything out of it. I enjoy going out on dates and doing stuff like that. Do you? Yeah, absolutely I do.

I like going out to dinner with a lady and having a conversation with her in an interesting locale or environment or whatever. Going to a restaurant or going to the movies or going to some sort of theme park or whatever the fuck. Oh, that's disgusting.

Are you just spitting into a cup? I give you one thumbs down. Dude, that's fucking... Don't make that sound. That is fucking horrible. That's absolutely disgusting. Dick and I having to dictate the level of discourse. What is Dick eating?

Dick is eating like a falafel or something over there. He's got this enormous meal. Dick, what are you eating? Don't worry about it. No, I really want to know. I want to be inspired. It's a chicken leg. Oh, you're a fucking chicken leg? What are you doing?

Wait, what else have you eaten? I feel like that's not the first thing you've bitten into. It's just all chicken legs, man. That's all you need. It's all you fucking need. Fuck you, you don't believe me, Woody. You fuck. All chicken legs all the way down. What do you want? Chicken legs.

I thought I saw something in a soft taco wrap. Maybe I'm mistaken. You are fucking mistaken. Fucking dick. I'm such an asshole damn how would you like a flavor of a fucking chicken leg

I eat chicken almost every day I bet I eat chicken poultry if you spread it to turkey a good 360 days a year. Woody's wife puts grilled chicken breasts in a George Foreman grill. They call it George Foreman chicken. And that's what he lives on. I had it for lunch.

I had it not today, yesterday though. I eat it all the time. Probably five days a week, six. Yeah. Well, whatever. False. I'm fucking Woody. Dick, I know you think you're a big man In this conversation You don't realize how much fucking chicken I eat

Oh my god Dick I don't think you're aware of the amount of chicken you're talking about Because I'm used to a chicken only diet And I was in Florida This this this this Intestinal system is meant to deal with Chicken and chicken only

I leave my element and suddenly I don't know what to do I'm shitting my pants in paramotor Things go horribly wrong This is a chicken eating machine We're dealing with here You don't know who you just messed with When you talk about chicken eating.

Nah, I'm on next. That's degenerate. That's degenerate. You're degenerate. That's you. Oh my god. If chicken eating were a sport, I'd be an Olympian. There we go. Fair enough.

If having very little variety in your diet was a virtue, I'd go. Fair enough. If having very little variety in your diet was a virtue, I'd go straight to heaven. That's fair. Because I want to have a very limited diet, but then they're like, oh, you need to eat vegetables. They have vitamins.

You don't want that. You don't want that. Chicken and vegetables is my thing. And then you got Dick devouring some fucking burrito. It's not a burrito. And he's pretending like he's not half Mexican. We'll allow that. And Kyle, look at Kyle right now.

He's so fucked. Look at the introspection that's happening on Kyle's face. This is deep thoughts. Am I that drunk? Am I that drunk? Am I that drunk? I am. I am that drunk right now. That's what Kyle is thinking.

Kyle got fucking shithoused, and I'm proud of him. He's trying to focus on my breathing because that makes me less nauseous. If you get so drunk you have to focus on your breathing, then you've done a good job. I'm fucking wasted. You're wasted, Dick? I'm at 10,000% wasted. God damn, I'm at 10,000%.

What are you going to do to Maddox for this? Dick, I get that you're wasted, but I feel like you're number two on the call. I got to piss so bad. What am I going to do to Maddox? I am going to... Yeah, what are are you gonna do to that fucking cunt? I am going to total up how much he owes me and then I'm gonna sue him for it Dig some and you beat him up. Oh

Yeah, can I beat Maddox up? Yeah, I'm sorry. I don't know Maddox for all I know. He's nine foot tall or three feet Maddox up? I'm sorry, I don't know Maddox. For all I know, he's nine foot tall or three feet tall. Ah, man. Woody, I'm like a fucking strapping fucking guy over here, man. I can see that, but I only know half of the equation. See, Maddox is a skinny, fat douche who is not fitness inclined whatsoever. Dick is at the very least someone who is fitness inclined,

and Dick is pretty jacked. Dick owns the Octagon, but Maddox perhaps would win at computer programming. I'll win at that shit too. He wouldn't even win at that, because I know, Dick, your daily business is SEO, which means you know how to do that shit. You're smart.

You get it. And even in the little sliver of life that people assume Maddox may have the edge, he does not. Not at all. Well, does Dick know more about the Marvel Universe, perhaps? I'm sorry, Maddox, I haven't flipped. I don't know. What about the marvel universe perhaps i'm sorry maddox i haven't flipped right what about the marvel universe i'm just trying to find an area and where maddox maybe has you beat does he does he know more about superman versus juggernaut than you do i'm the juggernaut

bitch like he's got a fucking sacred i was uh even when you guys were doing Biggest Problem in the Universe, was there an uncomfortable feeling knowing that you could host and do the whole thing? You have the technological know-how to do it. And he kind of... I can answer that on Dick's behalf. Dick would be like,

what am I going to do without snacks? I'm fucked here. Yeah. Go ahead, Dick. I answered on your behalf. Did you wish you were doing the show solo? Snackless? Yeah.

You always have to plan for snacks, man. I still remember episode like two. You guys have a whole show that's bent on snacks and look at this. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Okay. I'm listening.

And red player status. Yes, yes, yes. Kyle's doing okay. Kyle, did you throw up? No. Yes. Yes. Yes. Kyle's doing okay. Kyle, did you throw up? No. No. Kyle, do you sometimes throw up or is that not a Kyle problem? No, I throw up. Oh, me too.

Last time I threw up all night. Two times. That's how all of these drinking episodes go is that at least two of the three of us end up vomiting all night. I haven't been the one to vomit yet, but I may tonight. Jesus. I always throw up.

I threw up two episodes ago, but not last one. And I did my circle walk. It wasn't half bad. So, Dick. This Maddox faggot, what are you going to do to hit back at him? Because he is undoubtedly being a faggot.

Where's this guy live? LA? Sycamore he lives in la and dick did something that i thought was the funniest thing on earth which was to buy a fucking billboard outside of his apartment that that was that was the funniest thing i've ever heard in my entire life. I like a thousand bags. And what did the billboard say? Max lost. After he lost the lawsuit? That's what you wrote? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You put him at it? I love you, Dick. God, it's just unbelievable to think about that for a dude because i remember in like 2004 going to his website and being like man this guy is hilarious and like he's a hoot and then now to know that that guy is such a fag like it it's sad almost in a way like to see someone who you kind of idolized as an internet figure for a while, because I read all of this shit in the early to mid-2000s. Like, to see someone like that become a fag is terrible.

Look at this fucking monster. Look at this Kyle monster over here with the sunglasses and the you know That's so Kyle can hide the fact that he's passing out every 15 seconds Oh wait Is that still a chicken leg? Because it looks like a baked potato

God damn Mine? Yeah Fuck I'd love a baked potato Right I want to eat something Like something like really starchy That can absorb some of this poison I'm rationalizing in my head

That I'll somehow feel better if I eat Check it out Check it out you nerds Check out this Fucking chicken Shit show I don't have any food here either They got this fucking chicken shit show. I don't have any food here either. Alright, homos, time for another shot.

The show's over. Oh, it's four hours and two minutes. I wish I could join you. You want to wrap up? I'll do the last ad. Is there more ads? Oh, there's an outro maybe? Yeah, I think let me look. Let me double check that. I did Monster Hunter. I did Tomb Raider. maybe yeah i think uh let me look let me let me double check that i did monster hunter i did uh

tomb raider i did luminosity i did smart mouth i did the uh square space yeah there's an outro though there's uh god i feel like shit there's uh who is the i love how you're wearing sunglasses so that people can't see that your eyes look like two red balls floating in a cup of two percent milk yeah i'm just i'm just i'm just i'm just feeling as well woody feeling real rough yeah i got an outro here uh post roll read who is it it's uh it's tomb raider should i? I want you to let me give it a go. Oh, you want me to link you? I just caught up. Cool.

This episode brought to you by Square Edicts. Terrifying tombs, unforgiving jungles, a Mayan apocalypse. It's just another day for Laura Croft. In the shadow of Tomb Raider, witness Laura Croft's defining moments as she engages in brutal combat, heart-stopping stealth, and challenging puzzles to stop the apocalypse and ultimately becomes the Tomb Raider. Shadow of the Tomb Raider coming to Xbox on September 14th. Pre-order the Croft edition for 48-hour early access.

You can get good at it before your friends. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. All right. That was PKA episode 402, the drinking episode delivered.