Painkiller Already - Painkiller Already #424

Episode Date: February 8, 2019

On this week's PKA, our boy Steve Hofstetter is back and while the guys poke fun at Wing's recent salvage Mustang purchase, Steve shares how he too just got a new, not ruined, Mustang. Woody is apparently going in on a boat, first an airman, now a seaman, and after Taylor shares a little bathroom story, he introduces the world to Dr. Huxtable having a conversation with Alex Jones.

Painkiller Ready, episode 424 with our guest Steve Hofstadter. Kyle? Yes, a few sponsors tonight. Squarespace, Postmates, Lending Club, and eBay. We'll talk about those guys later on in the show, but yeah, we got our friend Steve back with us again. And Steve, just like our friend Wings of Redemption,

is planning a large purchase. He's planning to purchase a Mustang, I believe. Or did you already purchase it? Oh, shit! Before Wings did it. Alright. I would say he bid it off me, but I'm not someone who posted his

car on social media. So, no one knew that I got a Mustang. I got a... I went the weird way, though, and I got one that works. Good call. Now, what scrapyard did you find yours uh galpin ford they don't allow any cars that have been shat in there which is a big big thing in the salvage

industry if you don't know uh my dad and i used to fix up salvage cars all the time when i was growing up and resell them and and and a lot of them you'd find would get shat in it seems that when people are in car accidents they shit themselves all right i don't know if it's i don't know if it's that maybe the person got in the wreck because they were trying to rush home and and and shit or if just getting into a car accident just initiates a shit. But a lot of them would have that issue. That is much better than I thought you were just saying that, like, it was salvaged because someone shat in it.

Oh, no, that's a big part of why Wingscar was salvaged. At the salvage yard, people would use them as toilets. For the longest time, I thought that's where he was going. Like, you know sometimes you've got to go, so you break into a junkyard and you poop in it. Dirty idea, boys. If you look at... Wing's car really was Shadden?

It was Shadden, yes. I've been... Look, first of all, I'm not the weird person here. I'm not the one who creeps around and finds people's VIN numbers and stuff. But it gets shared with me. Like, I'm just going about my daily life, and someone's like, here's number and here's wings car like when it was wrecked and they send me these links and like of course i click them you know these are my associates i am not a creepy person just and you can i really want to throw that out there that i'm not the one digging around

through wings is like personal life or anything but there are a group of people out there who do that sort of thing and when evidence is presented when evidence is presented and i was looking at the vin number of his car and its previously wrecked state and one of the things that they had to do to it to get it up to spec was this like biohazard cleaning and so i was like what is that and someone was like oh that's when someone shits themselves in their car and i was like i i don't i hate to let i hate to ruin a good story i would have guessed it could be blood but it could be blood it could actually be blood but that's not nearly as funny guys

why not both like let's be let's it could have been a bloody shit have you ever driven as dangerously as you do when it's crunch time and you're close to home and you've got a shit because all fear of tickets all rules of the road go out the window when i'm like two minutes from home and i'm like i don't know if i'm gonna make it i'm going like like 100 miles an hour and a 35 it's such, though, because if you do get pulled over, like you're saving 30 seconds, but if you do get pulled over, you're just going to have to shit in the car. But he'll know that I wasn't lying when he comes up and says,

why are you speeding? And I say, because, sir, thanks to you, I just shit my pants. And there is no way he's going to book me for going 120 with shit in my pants piled up. And not in the way that someone shits their pants because they're afraid of the cop. But just because. If you stick your head into the car and take a good whiff, I think you'll understand right away why I was in such a hurry. They're like, do you have any pot in the car?

I'd be like, well, you can't smell if I do now. I like to think they teach this defense in law school not good law schools right they're not covering it at harvard but ruckers camden it could be there now your honor this is a classic defecation defense i played ruckers camden once i did a show there uh-huh boy that is a scary place yeah i didn't pull out a very scary place what was scary about it uh first of all like there are like three cops in camden that's it like they're just three unlucky fucks yeah they just basically were like you know what we'll give this one to the criminals we got other places to do like we gotta we gotta police cherry hill that's right nearby uh it's it's one of those

things where like you park your car it was a rental but like you park your car and you're like well hope this is here when I get back. I don't know if everyone in the world knows what Camden is like, but their basketball team is one of the better ones in New Jersey. I pick up what you're putting down. Yeah, they've got a strong team. Yeah, people are real tall. It's known for height. No, Camden is...

Camden is a very run-down... Like, it's one of those things where... People might say it's a very quick twitch society. It's almost like they've got an extra tendon or something. Do you remember when that guy... Have you ever listened to that clip of Jimmy the Greek trying to walk that back and explain it a bit? I only heard Bill Burr talking about it.

Bill Burr does a great job talking about it because like, I, I don't even know if in his head he realized what he said was really racist, like right off the top, but he starts to realize as the clips going on that he's made a huge error. It's great.

It's great. And the guy who's on the air with him yeah i've seen episode family so yeah bill burr's show f is for family has a wonderful it's like a little touch but it's recurring because it takes place in this and i think the 70s basically every uh investigative report into racism and sexism on the news is done by an old white guy it's like a wonderful little touch on the show that's great that is funny i've never noticed that yeah so your mustang okay so the mustang uh never been shitted yet excellent time there's time uh yeah it was something i've always wanted a mustang uh i've wanted one for like 15 years things are going well in my career and i got to the point where i could get a new car but you don't know what motor's in it you don't know which motor you got uh i don't i know you guys were

giving me shit about this before the air it's the it's the eco boost fastback there you go okay yeah see that was my question there's there's i i want to say there's three engines but there may only be two there's of course the v8 and there's the. There's, of course, the V8, and there's the EcoBoost. And either of those, in my opinion, is a good choice. The EcoBoost is quite nice. I rented one a while back, like maybe a year old, but the EcoBoost, I got a convertible, and I went on a drive out in the Midwest, and it was fucking great.

It was so fast. It's got so many modes for the transmission that you can set it up. There's like a drag race mode and a rack mode and all this bullshit. There are so many modes that I do not know how to use and will never use. It's luxurious. It's very nice. The steering wheel is very squishy. I like that.

Specifically, what do they do? How is sport mode different than drag mode? How is eco mode different than regular mode? Exactly. And here's the thing. When you know, what kind of engine is it? I'm like, do you want like the marketing name? Cuz like that's what these are, right? Oh, yeah What you said was it's an automatic. I think it's kind of funny to a car person. What engine do you have? Oh, the auto. Yeah, yeah, so you don't choose which cylinders go. That's nice.

Yeah, I got the automatic for my car. Like, my car's a VA. It's a super sport. But I wanted the automatic. I didn't want to be shifting gears. A friend of mine told me that it was a waste that I didn't get the manual. And I was like, look, I tried to learn how to drive manual once. First of all, very hard to drive manual and also tweet at the same time. Which, you know, and that just starts to get dangerous. So I'm going to get a different type of car so i can still tweet while i drive but uh a friend of mine tried to teach me i thought you said you couldn't tweak at the same time now i can do that

i like that i like that what he thinks tweaking involves tying off an injector. I did. It's not. I was tying it with my mouth. I know. I saw it. I didn't know. So a friend of mine, a bunch of years ago, so this was before Uber was everywhere, I was touring with a comic who had a stick shift,

and there was some girl he had met at a show, and the next night she's like, come over after the show. We'll hang out. And it was in the opposite direction. And I still needed to get back to the hotel. So he was like, well, all right, I'm just going to teach you how to drive stick so that you can drive home and I can go with her. And I was like, okay, I'll give it a shot. And so we spent like a half hour in a parking lot. And I was like, fuck it.

You're driving me home or you're not getting laid like i'm not risking dying for you to get some right now so that was the last time i tried to learn stick i tried to learn stick so that she could drive his i literally learned stick from playing video games it was like oh really that works yeah i was like this is obvious like clutch in shift clutch out like like go easy on it like it's there's nothing to it It seems like your dad would have drilled into you given how much you guys both like building cars We always said automatics like like always automatics or it in the like the drag race car Yeah, it was just a like a two speed

It was just like straight be amazing if you learned how to drive stick from playing like Rocket League Like something has nothing to do with it Drive stick you just do this fuck If you learned how to drive stick from playing like rocket league, like something that has nothing to do with it. I know how to drive stick. You're just dangerous as fuck. I learned to drive stick. Press left trigger, right? I was 16 years old and there was a girl who liked me who was 17 years old and she drove a stick shift.

So her way of like getting me to hang out with her all night was to teach me to ride stick. And, and then you taught her to ride stick yeah that's the joke but i didn't because i did it for you she was really pretty but just a little too heavy and she wasn't like even wait wait i'm sorry what the the girl was uh was really pretty no i'm just trying to figure out how both were true oh uh it just was like she had a good style about her she did her hair nice damn it i was trying to say something that would make her hair it was it was yeah she was pretty

she was nice uh she was like well put together but just a few pounds too much just too many pieces from that's her traction in the car 16 though like like like how how heavy was she? Was she like 150 or was she like 250? Oh, no. I bet she wasn't more than 150. No, that's not that heavy. It was for me. She was 4'2".

Is she 150 and is she 5'1"? Or is she 150 and she's 5'7"? She's probably 5'5". 5'6". I think probably 5'5 or 6'. I think Teenage Woody is way too picky. Yeah, that's why he didn't get laid. He could have, perhaps. You could have had that cool-ass stick-shift-driving fat bitch

all up on your knob. She wanted you bad. All of that is actually true. I was pining after a girl who was out of that is actually true. Yeah, but no. I was pining after a girl who was out of my league in college. The lyrics of that would have been a great country song, what you just said, Taylor. The stick ship.

Just set that to music. We spent a couple nights together driving her car around the parking lot. And I learned to drive stick. She even took you to a parking lot? And I assumed this wasn't a busy Walmart on a Saturday. God, how many signs have you missed, Woody? Oh, you don't know. Yeah. Dude, like years earlier.

I'm going to roll down the window so we make this curve. Take your pants off so I can feel the breeze. Okay, that's what the cool kids do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. I wish i kept the letter this girl wrote me when i was 15 it pretty much said i want to fuck and we have to buy condoms except that instead of condoms she had like seven underlines where i had to write my own letters in there and uh yeah this is all true and uh like i i got we want to fucking we have to buy scissors is that right amount of letters i'm so very impressed you show up there with condoms

construction paper laid out what did you think was good dude it was so like it was so obvious i was about to get laid and uh i hung out with her one night she was from wealthy family they had a boat and uh like we went on our boat and snuck in this little cabin or something. It got pretty far, as far as I had been up to that time. Things were going really well. Woody was literally the man in the boat. Then she kissed another guy. While you were there?

No. She said that she drank and she kissed another guy and she was really apologetic. That was it. I rejected all of her advances. She taught me to teach – she taught me stick. You're combining girls. And then she had the audacity. Oh, yeah.

I also, by the way, I would love it if she started filling in the blanks and you're like, we have to buy condors. What are we going to do with condors? You know, whatever it takes to get lit. But, yeah, this girl, she was hot. She was super hot. I remember she – like we'd go out and she wore these like, I don't know, thin, pretty much slutty miniskirt things. But I was totally fine with that. And I know you're looking at me like, slutty miniskirt?

No. Like black body glove, like totally slutty. If you saw it, there'd be no question. If you saw it, we would get arrested because she was 15 yeah yeah but anyway you're very tight skirt like a two top showing her belly and uh and making out with me and and yeah anyway every sign was there but i decided that since she kissed another guy fuck it kick her to the curb and it took me years to get oh i was i was talking to i was talking to a girl who like uh so i was talking to a girl who was uh uh who was 35 and she was like you know sending me somewhat racy pictures nice and i was like yeah i will happily accept any and all

pictures and i realized what i said and i was like within the last 17 years like please do not send me because even if you're legal now, it doesn't matter. She's going to fax you a Polaroid. What's she going to do? Wait until we're in private to share those old pictures. I don't think child porn pictures work like rape laws do, and they should, right? What do you mean?

If a 15-year-old sends another 15-year-old a picture, that shouldn't be illegal, i think it is but a 15 year old can consent they can fuck each other but they can't send each other's pictures and i think that's wrong kind of insane that like there was a case where someone was arrested for having a picture of themselves on their phone because that was technically child porn yeah and they're like hit you with like manufacturing child pornography even though it's like some 16 year old dude and his 16 year old girlfriend's dick and tit pits and they're like legit we'll hit you with manufacturing of child pornography they tried to hit me up with child porn pictures and i'm like your honor i shaved it it's really small but that's me

oh i saw there's this funny ass news story from a few days ago where it was this guy who was raping this young girl, and when she was in the courtroom, she described his penis as small. This 11-year-old described it as small, and apparently he broke down and cried because he's not so sensitive that he empathizes with raping little girls, but insult his rapist dick, and he gets very upset.

I'm gonna have to find him. I'm so glad. By the way, when you started and you were like, yeah, there's this funny story, so this guy was raping this kid, I was like, this better change quick. Well, that was it. That's the end. Yeah. You're like, hey, what have you been up to, Steve? I gotta find this story.

That is amazing, though that like this guy this guy broke down that because he's like that little kid said i had a small dick oh meanwhile he's like scum of the earth accused rapist offers to whip out penis in court to prove oh my god oh no he did the judge declines to prove it small size or. To prove it's small size or to prove that it's not small? This is a totally different thing. I just typed in

girl says rapist has small penis. And none of these stories are duplicates. Wow. This is like a running thing. Alleged rapist says his dick is too small for rape. Your honor, if you were to see what's between my legs, you would know for sure

that it is not capable of anything malicious. At the very least, it's humorous. If the dick does not fit, you must acquit. Oh, no. Oh, and then you get off for it because your dick's so small.

Oh, my God. That's horrible. feel like your honor she wouldn't even know that i was there how could she know i was there if you were innocently accused and like you have to reveal in like u.s like history documents that are going to be there forever that like yeah i was accused of rape but no no no look up the case number here it is you'll see very clearly my penis is too small to have done any damage. Oh, the baby dick defense. Classic.

The baby dick defense. Oh, no. Oh, that's so embarrassing. But if it gets you off. Well, but that's how this guy in this one article proved he was innocent. Right here in Colorado versus Gherkin. Really? Oh, that's so fucked.

I would much rather people think I have a small dick than that I'm a rapist, though. Well, no question. Like if I was falsely accused. I don't know. You guys act like without question. Like you don't have to think that through? Well, not a full-on rapist. act like without question. You don't have to think that through? What if he went on the edges, right?

Small dick nice guy or big dick rapist. Tougher to choose now, huh? No, not at all. It's really not. I mean big. I'm with Taylor here. I mean, he's stressing the size. I mean,

everyone in prison will think you have a huge dick. You know that? Yes. I don't think you thought that's true. I've told this story before. I was 12 or 13. We were drinking. We got these girls to come up with us.

And then like three weeks later, they're talking on the phone. She touched my dick. And they're asking if it's big or small and i'm like sweating bullets over here and uh i'm not even fully developed like yet me at 12 is like most people at nine and she describes it as medium i'm just like i got you were stoked over a meeting i was i was worried about the like that could have gone wrong yeah it's a medium at 12 you know you'll get you'll get to extra large by 15 here i am 30 some years later bragging about it yeah bragging about that girl who called me a solid medium no wonder you said that i was around average

that's such a fucking ridiculous question yeah be like how big is your dick or a little bit not rapist yeah how big is your dick well have you heard of the word humongous well lower it from that considerably uh if you add humongous to tiny and then divide them by two that is about what i am so math's too hard i lost you yeah yeah well i'm just saying he was very excited about being medium. She was a nice girl. I don't think she had an array of penises from what she was. She had no experience. What's she judging it from?

She's like, well, the other one I touched was tiny and my dad's is enormous. Doesn't even fit. Doesn't fit. Doesn't even fit. That's huge. Even mom says, Doesn't fit. Jesus, Kyle. Doesn't even fit. Kyle just chimed in with that one. That's huge. Even mom says, yeah, that's big.

Yeah. Yeah, I was listening to Stern today, and it was like a throwback episode of when they went to the NAMBLA convention, the North American Man Boy Love Association. We all are aware of that. No, it's the north american marlo brando lookalikes that close yeah that one's similar um there's a black guy sitting such a funny episode and stuttering john's there and he's he's like uh

what's the best place in disney world to hide when you're molesting a child and they're like i'm not going to answer that question. I would never molest a child. Child molestation is a myth. It's just mythology. Oftentimes, these young boys, they will entice me. They will come after me. Oh, God.

And he's like, okay, next question. And I'm like, oh, God, stay on that first question. That was horrible. What was the next question? I think that the follow-up would be like, okay, follow question. And I'm like, oh, God, stay on that first question. That was horrible. What was the next question? I think that the thought would be like, okay, follow up. What is the best place in Disneyland to hide when a child is molesting you? He's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What child actor do you think is the hottest?

He was trying to get him to say Macaulay Culkin, of course, because he, let's all face it, he's the hottest child actor of our generation. That kid, he could turn me. i have a story about meeting him you met macaulay calkin i met macaulay calkin i was in uh i was in college and a buddy of mine was an actor and so we went to his place for a party i think it was a new year's eve party and everybody's hanging out and we're all having a good time and most i didn't know most of his friends like we went to his place for a party i think it was a new year's eve party and everybody's hanging out and we're all having a good time and most i didn't know most of his friends like we went to school together but most of his friends were from outside of school and you know meeting a bunch of people and they're great and there's one guy who's just such a pretentious dick and this is me saying this

so imagine how pretentious he must be my god so i know off the charts so uh i just i i had had enough with him. And I turned to one of the other guys I had met who seemed to know everybody. And I was like, who is the pretentious prick in the sweater? And he goes, Mac? I was like, yeah. He goes, that's Macaulay Culkin. Mac is short for Macaulay.

And I was like, oh, this all makes sense now. And so the rest of the party, knowing that he was then Macaulay Culkin, I was like, yeah, all of this makes sense sense because he had gone through the like you know having shitty parents and you know like all that and then at the end i will never forget what he said to me at the end of the party i'm saying goodbye to everybody and he just he just unprovoked everybody else like hey nice to meet you see you later you know let us know next time you're hanging out and he just goes hey i'm uh working on a book of dirty poetry under the pseudonym junior jackson look out for it that's how he said goodbye

did he seem like he was one of those child stars that went totally off the rails in adulthood uh i i don't know how he is now i mean obviously look, at that point, he was probably about 20. Junior Jackson. I'm looking it up. I'm looking for the book of poetry. Under the name. And he said it like it was just such a normal thing to say. And I was just like, I will. You know what?

Barnes & Noble? Where do I find this book? I'll look for it. How big a star is Macaulay Culkin? Obviously, he was a big child star right he was a huge child star huge and he did he did do that new that commercial recently that was really good oh yeah oh yeah he like redid it right okay it was a good commercial was for google home maybe i forget yeah it was google home it was good that he and he did a good job in it like he didn't seem

and look whoever shot it might have been a great director but like he seemed like he was just like an adult person at this point i just feel like he's not in a position to be too stuck up am i crazy like oh he's rolling that home alone money like they play that every doesn't he probably gets paid for like it running every time it happens in christmas time right? You never know. You never know. I think he's okay, though. He's Macaulay Culkin. He dated Mila Kunis.

To me, that's his biggest accomplishment. Yeah, but so did Ashton Kutcher, right? You actually... One of the finest actors of our generation. Yeah. So did, I don't know, Tom Cruise. Ashton Kutcher was one of the hottest hogs of his

demo. He was funny in that 70s show. I haven't watched that show since I was a teenager. He was on top of Hollywood at one point. He was the first guy that exploded on Twitter, if I recall correctly. Actually, Ashton Kutcher is indirectly

responsible for my social media. Really? Yeah, because... How? You got in it so early, like with MySpace. I did. So when MySpace was starting to become a thing, I was actually dating... This story is...

I don't know. I feel like I'm name-dropping now, because I just... But I'm name-dropping like Macaulay Culkin, so I'm not like really name dropping. So anyway, my, the girl I was dating at the time was like really big into this tech stuff. And she was the one showing me my space. And so as a joke,

she made a fake Ashton Kutcher profile and a fake me profile before I had one and had them commenting on each other's shit. And so like, there was this whole thread back and forth of like, you know, him going, Hey man, I just saw that you were in LA. profile before I had one and had them commenting on each other's shit and so like there was this whole thread back and forth of like you know him going hey man I just saw that you were in LA I'm so sorry I couldn't make the show and I was like and you know and fake me was like don't worry we'll hang out next time I'm there and he's like oh we got to do dinner man and like just really like stuff that not like casual stuff but like it would seem like good friends

would be saying back and forth and all of a sudden I was getting added on my space by like thousands of people who like were searching for Ashton Kutcher, believe that that profile was real. Cause he didn't have one yet. And then assumed I was his best friend. And that is awesome. That is how I started on. And like,

that's when I saw that I was like, Oh, this is powerful stuff. And so that's when I actually like, I took over the fake profile and then started like actually trying to do it's funny that was long ago like long ago enough that it was like trolling was different where it's like i'm gonna pretend to be these two people and the joke is i'm gonna pretend they're genuinely good friends get along yeah and now trolling is basically now it'd be like i'm gonna murder you yeah or like hey wouldn't it be funny if i accidentally get the cops to shoot his mother wouldn't that be hilarious like that's man what it's developed into catfishing

wasn't a term back then yeah yeah it was uh and that is that and and trolling also used to be hilarious and fun because all it was was you would golling also used to be hilarious and fun. Because all it was, was you would go onto like... You know, you'd go onto like a Philadelphia Phillies chat room and be like, I don't really like the Phillies. And then watch people lose their mind. And like that was what trolling was. Yeah.

Instead of now. That's still what trolling is with the good trolls. It's still very funny. Yeah, like with Ken M. Yeah. Oh, Ken M is funny. Ken M is a fucking genius. trolling is with the good trolls it's still very funny yeah like when you see somebody yeah oh ken m is funny is a fucking genius steve i have a question for you i didn't ask it last time you were on the show i went to your live event you know you and three other comics and someone asked you to tell a story having it was a sex story of some sort i forgot the

details you might remember and then you didn't tell it because you had family at the event and you promised to tell it here oh oh i forgot about that okay what was the story that we didn't get to hear that night okay so uh what i didn't tell um it was uh it's the okay when i i i was obviously like look I was terrible with women growing up you know I wasn't getting my dick touched like Woody was when he was 12 except by one 12 year old which was also me so

I didn't have sex in high school at all because everyone else decided like the women got together and they're like we vote no I was like i respect the committee's decision i love that because everybody else yeah you know they had a vote so um i yeah so it wasn't until i became a comic that i started getting more confident and but at first when i was getting this new attention, I didn't know when people were flirting with me.

Like even more so than the whole like, oh, I'm going to teach you how to drive in an abandoned parking lot. So this woman came over to me after a show. It's my first year on the road. And she comes over to me and she's like, hey, you were really funny. And I was like, thank you so much. Figured that was it. And then she goes, you know I uh live right around here and I was like that's convenient like that's what I said I said how convenient that is because like she could drink and then not have to drive home you know and then the worst part

she goes uh I'm so embarrassed by this she goes um you uh want to see my place and I said I'm so embarrassed by this. She goes, you want to see my place? And I said, I'm not that into architecture. Those are the words that I said. Because I genuinely thought she was like, oh, I live in one of the historic homes around here. It was in South Carolina. I'm not that into architecture. Oh, darn, he's gay. into architecture oh darn he's gay so she kept she kept hitting on me because she was broken in some sort of way uh and clearly i got a little more overt and then she was like

no do you want to come back to my place with me and i'm like well how else oh and like finally i realized she wants to have sex with me she wants to show you her open floor plan yeah i also would have accepted flying buttress so um i guess i am an architecture anyway so our art history so uh i go back to her place and we start uh we start making out and this is, by the way, a part of the story where you guys might disagree with me here. She said, oh, choke me. And I was like, this sounds like the advanced class, like I'm in 101. Like I'm not into that. I'm still not into that to this day. Like that is not something I don't understand.

Like I don't understand how almost murdering someone turns someone on ah you don't go that far unless well that's what this you know what i was wrong when i said here's where you guys might disagree with me i should have said here's what kyle and i are gonna part ways we're all down to choke a bitch i'm on team kyle here you know next time you do do you handle business on your own hold your breath see if it doesn't get better i mean only question would be, one hand or two? Blood or air choke? Three or four, do you call in a buddy? You don't have to understand the appeal of it personally, but if she

likes that and it gets her off, there's nothing wrong with that. I have choked women unconscious. I mean, we all have. have oh you mean in a sexual context okay yes oh yeah that's way different that's how i get them to say battle you know sometimes they come at you and you know that's the best way to diffuse the situation just choke them unconscious no always in a sexual uh connotation yeah yeah i've i've heard a couple of comics do the do a version of the joke of like you know when my wife wants her wants me to choke her during sex it's fine but during an argument it's inappropriate so she asked you to choke her

so okay so she asked me to choke her and i was like no you know like i don't know i mean look kyle you're rolling your eyes look i was like 23 and barely knew what the fuck i was doing prime choking age that's prime choking age supple and strong here's what first of all i was worried like oh i get all in my head i'm like how do you know you like that you know like best case scenario she was having sex and something heavy fell on her and she was like i'd like to recreate this at a later date you know like how do you know without abuse how do you know you know and i'm like i'm not an svu very close well i was fucking her while she was bench pressing and she dropped the bar she had no spotter but she was like this is really good she's like wait hold on does it work on the microphone like this so so i i had said no because here's the thing. What if I don't know my own strength?

I've never tried to almost murder someone. I think you're okay. I think you'd be okay. Most likely scenario is she's like, no, no, no, harder. And you're like, this is all I have. You're not Taylor. Probably. But what if it turns out I'm like Lenny of Mice and Men and I'm just like pretty rabbit.

And then what? You know? I don't see that being an issue for you look i can open a pickle jar very easily okay i'm very strong hands so is that where it wraps up she wants you to choke her and you said no and i said well i said no and then i mean the story you know the story like this the stage version has has more flourish to it but like that's a girl yeah yeah yeah i was yeah i was just basically it's a story about me having uh me having potentially rough sex that i did not want to tell in front of family yeah have you felt more comfortable like if if your girl now asked you oh oh i have i have done it uh i have done it when asked now like but it's something also that like i don't know you. You know how, all right. You know how like if you, if you have an itch, you can scratch it just the right amount because

you know the pressure that your hand is on. But if you ask someone else to scratch your itch, that doesn't really help that much. Same is true with hand jobs. Yeah, exactly. Same thing with hand jobs. So this is, yeah, this is the hand job theorem. So like if you start choking someone, like you don't know how much they want it. You don't know how tight to do it.

And then it starts getting really academic where you're like, more, less, more, less. Because if you do that, no? No, they want to lose control. You're shaking your head. I just squeeze until I see panic in the eye. Absolutely. What they're going for there is to lose control and for you to be in control and for them to be sort of dominated in a certain way. Or some of them literally get off on going unconscious and the rush that they get from regaining consciousness during sex.

So once you figure out which it is, then you know how hard to squeeze. It's always really fucking hard, though. I've never seen a girl who's like, oh, that's too hard. Never heard that. Yeah, it always comes out like. You know what? It always comes out like you know what it always comes out like keep going i'm moving this podcast from people and vlogs to educational just because of that thank you kyle yeah yeah but i've never seen a chick who was like oh that was too hard i have a feeling though kyle i have a feeling that you and i are not dating the same

girl. I've dated all sorts of girls, like all sorts of young ladies and older women, and from, you know, just the full gamut, you know, the entire spectrum. Young ladies and older women, from young Dakota Fanning to Miss Daisy. From 19

to 45, and they all like being choked, and they all like being choked, and they all like being choked real fucking hard. I wanted you to say younger and older women and go like, 18 to 24. The whole gamut. 18 to 18 and a half.

You know? As soon as they can drink. Depending on the state. They all want to be choked real fucking hard, the state yeah they all want to be choked real fucking hard and some of them literally want to be choked unconscious which i like like it's in it's an interesting experiment because like if you've never choked a woman unconscious with your bear i've never choked a woman unconscious that well you'd be surprised they're just how fucking easy it is you might like the man. I've choked a man unconscious before and I've got to get him in a fucking rear naked choke

and use my shoulders and my arms and I'm flexing my bicep and I'm really locking it in. To choke a woman unconscious. Just get both hands on the sides of the neck and give it a good squeeze and she's out in 45 seconds.

Do you think it's because she's a woman and therefore weaker and inferior or because she's not fighting back oh she's fighting back okay we do it differently you guys that's part of this dance that kyle and his lovers are doing and he's like hey do you want to do the show and i'm like you know i haven't listened to people describe sexual assault in a while so in a positive light no less apparently yeah i i have i actually i went out i went out with one woman who just wanted me to hold my hand there not squeeze at all sure just to i i don't know if it was a stability thing or like the thought of it or whatever it was but she was like yeah just place your hand there.

I was like, alright. I love that Kyle has experience with no matter what you get. I went with a girl. She liked to be fish hooked. Sure. We all know the fish hook women. That's their thing. She wants to be fish hooked.

I want to know, Steve, so you're okay with the choking now. Is there still something now that if your girl requested it, you'd be like, eh, no. Oh, there's plenty of stuff. It doesn't have to be crazy like poop on me or something.

That's where my head went. Anything involving anything scatological at all. I'm with you there. That's disgusting. Yeah, shitting or pissing or anything like that. Because the idea, like, in order to... Is pissing scatological at all. I'm with you there. That's disgusting. Shitting or pissing or anything like that. Because the idea... Is pissing scatological? No, it's not.

No pee at all? I always thought scatological meant pooping, and now I'm not sure. Look, I don't want to have to salvage my title. Scatological was popular in the early 1900s when the guy was like... Oh, my bad. Scatological was popular in the early 1900s when the guy was like, boop-bop-beep-bop-ba-dop-boop-bop-bop. No, that's scat.

Oh, my bad. Yeah, what I first thought... That's why my porn's been coming up so confusing. Scat porn? But he's just fucking a woman. He's going, beep-bop-boop-bop-beep-bop-bop. This is trombone porn. This scat porn's a little slow, huh?

That's not what rusty trombone means taylor i'm not 100 sure does excrement just mean poop or can that mean pee no it means poop to me it means poop and scat always means shit um uh but yeah i'll absolutely pee on a girl i'll absolutely i'll absolutely pee on a girl i would have absolutely pee on a girl. I would have no issue with that whatsoever. I'm down for that. But then she's got pee on her. It would have to be in the shower, because otherwise you'd make a mess. Well, I pee on you

in the bathtub, Taylor. That way there's plenty of room for both of us. And then you get in the shower. And then you're sitting in the bathtub with pee? The drain's open. I'm not collecting the pee save the pee saving it for later or anything i've been doing this all wrong so wait so you pee there's no water in the bathtub no she's like i want you to pee on me and you're like get in the bathtub yeah because i'm a gentleman absolutely i am and also these are these these are nice tile floors

and i don't want to have to clean this up i watched this i used to listen to this podcast about sex and love and um uh he said the beginner's guide to peeing on one another is to start in the shower which made a lot of sense to me. Yeah, start with a drain or go outdoors. That's always fun. But I think the shower just makes it sort of immediately gone. You know, you feel the warmth of the pee, and then, like, you're clean afterwards. If you're into piss play and you're doing it on your mattress,

what the fuck is wrong with you? Well, you're going to want some rubber sheets for that, my friend. Rubber sheets. Like a plastic wrap around my... And a wet dry shop vac. Yeah. Which is dual purpose in this scenario.

We're going to have some more fun with that later. Before you launder it, also, bucket of sawdust by the bed. Rookie! Kitty litter! You've got to put kitty litter on the bed. It'll soak it all up Honestly I think in 2019 It's a little sexist to not pee on a woman

Who would prefer it Who are you to deny her your piss Who do you think you are Let it fly I'm a bad feminist man I ate a bunch of asparagus last night And it really is You know how when you fart

and the smell is immediately in your nose and you're like I don't know how it traveled that quickly you know that feeling that with piss with asparagus I ate it and I feel like 20 minutes later my piss smells horrible and I just don't know how it can go through my body that fast oh yeah I'm the same way

and I have the same confusion that was 15 minutes ago how can how can i already be peeing out this it's the same problem as white castle shits where i could eat a white castle i could eat well you don't ever eat one i could eat 15 white castle burgers right now and the two hour mark in this show i'll be pooping and it'll smell like a white castle kitchen which by the way is very weird okay i mean look this whole thing is weird for many reasons but uh i i read a thing saying that like you don't you don't poop out what you eat right away it's like a couple days later i've always heard it was a day but it just doesn't or or whatever it is taylor talks about white

castle frosted mini wheats over here i see but there's a way i can't eat those and plan anything that's not like can lap other food i feel like because like if i if i ate if i ate a bunch of asparagus and rice and grilled chicken and then the next day if i haven't defecated that out yet i eat white castle i don't know how it's going to do it but it's gonna it's gonna deke and dodge its way get ahead and it'll come out i think it contaminates the original poop like i think as it's pushing it down it's just like we're going to give you some of this seeping in i'm not a doctor but i'm pretty sure your digestive system is a lot like the track at your high school and there's separate lanes for every meal and one can finish before the other that's that was always my understanding you know i got

i got a facebook message the other day from someone who was like hey i really like your comedy but i want to listen to it with p with my kids in the car and so do you have a playlist of like your cleaner clips and i think i'm just going to send her a link to this episode well you see children sometimes you get the White Castle shit. Well, Chance, you ever choke a woman unconscious? The best part is when she wakes up.

Yeah, because if she doesn't, you've got a lot of troubles. Honestly, when she wakes up, you're a little relieved. Always. You're like, good, good. Because I wasn't sure if this was fun or time to call someone to help me time what's the time yeah oh it's fast it's fast like like three seconds or something has she woken up confused about how she got there no she wakes

up and literally like is almost having a seizure yeah like's like, literally seizing a little bit. I'm really selling this. Is there pussy twitching, squeezing? Yes! There you go. And her mouth. So what you don't want to do is choke a chick unconscious once you suck her dick.

That's why I always fuck with a wallet or leather belt nearby. I usually put... Hold their tongue. You joke about this, but what I've done in the past is I would put two fingers in her mouth so she wouldn't bite her tongue. And as she's waking up, it's like this compulsive bite, bite, bite, bite sort of thing as she's coming back to life. Because you're a considerate person. And I'm just like, ow!

God damn, I'm glad that wasn't my dick. I would have lost it. I love that you're like, uh-uh! What the hell is wrong with you, person I just choked unconscious? She wanted it! So I've never been choked unconscious during sex, but I've been choked unconscious many times. And I always wake up, like, forgetting

how we got here. I used to do Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu and MMA. Okay, that's good. Now, look, I was a parking attendant for a while. Well, he worked Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu and MMA. Okay, that's good. I was a park attendant for a while. Well, a park doesn't attend at a men's bath. Not only is there a period of time that everyone has except you, which for somehow in me is very embarrassing, but also I

forgot how we got here. Like, oh, right. Like, I was training. Or, oh, right. You know, I agreed to this. This is a clip of me getting choked out on my YouTube channel. It was Joe Lozon's grappling coach at the time and I completely forgot we were in Japan, why we were there, how I got in this situation. I just come to

and everyone's laughing at me and I don't know why and it takes a little while to sort of. Same thing happens when Kyle chokes a girl. That's what I wonder. Everyone there is laughing. I have no idea when Kyle chokes a girl. That's what I wonder. Why am I in the frame? I have no idea, but suddenly this guy's got his cock in my pussy.

I forgot what we were up to. It could take a second. No? Have you noticed with even Brazilian Jiu Jitsu guys that you have a more intense pass out reaction than they do? Do they wake up and experience the same thing you do where they're like, where am I? Oh, yeah.

Are you like, oh, I have a particularly strong reaction? No, I think it's pretty typical. The worst power for an X-Man. And everyone wakes up. And the thing in the gym, when someone actually goes unconscious, it suddenly gets everyone's attention. And like Kyle said, we call it the funky chicken. They kind of like jitter and go a a little crazy everyone's watching that experience they have these different like non-scientific methods of helping like pick his feet up i don't know i make

get him some oj no no you do protein shake down his throat you elevate the legs and you get get more blood flow to the brain. Right. See, now, I have the same understanding. I just don't know if it's been clinically tested. It's absolutely, absolutely. Yeah.

I'm pretty happy with my hobbies. Yeah. Yeah. Same. Yeah. You're missing out. I have no desire to get choked. You're missing out.

All right, Taylor. You're wrong about Tinder. You were wrong about Tinder. You were wrong about salt. You were wrong about sexual performance enhancing drugs. And now, you're wrong about choking bitches unconscious. Get on this.

I was on your team saying if that's what she wants, it's fine. It's just not mine. She just doesn't know it yet. Kyle thinks that you are not deep enough on the team and i think he might be on to something you know what you know what even if my when my girl gets over tonight i i don't care if she wants or not i'm gonna give choking a go and i'll report back either from here next week or in a cell trust me if she doesn't like it she'll probably not understand what happened and just be confused there you you go. Why does my neck hurt?

You can deny it. You can be like, what? No, I didn't choke a bitch. What the hell? What was Kyle doing here? You fell on my hands and I went, ah! My neck kind of hurts too. It's going around.

Kyle's here. I needed a spotter. I didn't know how long to hold until I let you go. But he was really serious about five solid minutes uh i don't know yeah i feel like i would have a little i mean i haven't done it at all much less as many times as you kyle but i i can like already tell i would have like a real feeling of panic when i was in the middle of sex and i choke someone out and i I'm like, oh, no! There's no way my dick's staying hard. Or maybe it'll get even harder.

It gets even harder. Like a diamond. When you see her go lip. And you're not sure if she's ever coming back again. I'm telling you. It's like a diamond. Small, reflective. And a lot of people die to achieve it. And really overrated. Like the hardest thing on earth.

Like a blood diamond. Yes. A blood diamond. I want to go back to something that we completely glossed over. Because Taylor, you mentioned bathroom attending. Yeah. I mean, far be it for me to shift the subject

from this, but that is something I have strong opinions about. I'd love to hear it. I think that it is the... I don't know anyone who is excited, who is happy that there's a bathroom attendant there. I don't know who that is for, other than the bathroom attendant to try to...

Like, hey, I just watched you pee. Give me a dollar. Yeah. He's there to make sure. It's fucking extortion. Yeah. No, no. So here's my pro-bathroom attendant argument.

I've got to hear this. The issue is that even though we're all adults, people oftentimes treat a restaurant or public bathroom of any sort like it's some sort of a shit trough. They do disgusting things in there and they abuse the bathroom because they know that no one's in there

to keep them straight. However, if you interject a professional, and I use that term very loosely, into this scenario, then all of a sudden... I didn't go to seven years of bathroom attendance school and I'm not called a professional. Well well i got my residency at red robin i stayed there for three years it was rough going no but but he's there honestly in my opinion to make sure that you don't shit on the wall or like just piss

on the floor do something outrageous but the only place i've ever seen them in for them i mean occasionally like a nightclub or something yeah for the most part they're in like very fancy places and i think that they want to make sure steak place i think they're there to make sure honestly that you don't shit on the wall or piss on the floor or something ridiculous that's and to me like i tip them because thank you for keeping the others from shitting on the floor. Because they'd have done it, no doubt, if you hadn't been here, sir. I always put a little bit of shit on the wall when I noticed one there. Because that's job security.

I tip them because I had asparagus and they deserve hazard pay. I'm totally on Steve's team with this. When I go into a bathroom and it is thrashed, it's at a Waffle House late at night. It's at a KFC off the highway at a gas station. It's never like a nice Italian place or something where they actually have that guy. And they try and sell you like mints and mouthwash and shit that's consumable in a shit room. You don't have your toilet in the kitchen? Would Steve mention that you never walk into it toilet in the kitchen i would steve mention that

you never walk into it see the would you like some fresh made guacamole and think oh my god this is so great there's a bathroom attendant here i agree but i do get that feeling when it's empty if i walk into a bathroom that's capable of handling like six people and there's no one in it by me i think this it's my lucky day it's like it's luxury and that's why i think having a person there all the time like there's no there's no upside there's no and i know that it's like oh maybe you can get a spritz of this cologne that 80 year old men wear you know or maybe you know and oh and the idea of like when they hand you the fucking paper towel and I'm like, I could do that. Oh, I can totally do that.

A paper towel? Oh, every now and then there's one where they like get it out of the paper towel dispenser and they give it to you. Oh, that's funny because – so I was just thinking to myself, I don't go to classy enough places because I rarely have bathroom attendants when I use the bathroom. But the places that I have seen bathroom attendants, they hand me hot, wet towels. Depends on how fancy you're getting. I like when they give you those after a haircut to wipe all the hair off your face.

That's nice. I just had... I was just talking last night. I was just talking with a couple comics about where do you use the bathroom on the road? What's the best thing to do? One of the things, if you can, join a gym that has a lot of locations. like where do you use the bathroom on the road like what's the best thing to do and like one of the things if you can join a gym that has a lot of locations like because yeah because then especially

like new york city it's so hard to find like a public restroom and so if you're a member of a gym you could just walk in but uh the other thing is hotels so uh like fast food places usually the bathrooms are terrible gas stations they're horrific oh yeah but a hotel no one uses the lobby bathroom and so if you walk in people who clean for a living like they have like probably the maids make it a stop or something yeah it's it's uh well because yeah people use uh you know people use their own bathroom in their room and so and even if the hotel is somewhere that's like oh yeah you know it's customers only like what i do is i just walk in and i'll ask them for directions let them talk for 30 seconds say thank you and they'll be like hey can i use your restroom while i'm here yeah of course because

now we're buddies so i had to poop in a in a walmart like two months ago i was like or i guess not even that long ago but i was buying shit for for my house and like which aisle did you choose uh sporting goods yeah just right yeah nice no i had to poop at walmart so i was around getting a bunch of stuff and like i was about to start the shopping trip and i'm like i'm gonna be rushing through stuff if i have to poop this whole time and I'm going to forget something. I'm just going to go shit in this Walmart. And at the time I was going into the bathroom at Walmart, like I guess the shift was changing. And so there were tons of Walmart employees like changing and around in there. And I've made clear before, I'm not one of those hold back shitters that like, you know, when you walk into the bathroom and there's a guy in a stall and you sit in

the one next to him and you're like, this guy's trying to hold his shit until I leave. Like, what are you doing? Like I, I had some bad gas and it, you know, when you're in the shower and Kyle,

you sing in the shower, you know, when you hit that note and it resonates off the walls, I, I, I had three or four farts that hit that Walmart bathroom resonation thing to where it was like the whole place felt like there was the Titanic's foghorn going off in there. That's actually the theme song of Walmart. That's what it is.

Yeah, so I had a big loud shit in there. That guy, he was out alpha'd by my shitting. And so he got up without any more poop noises from there. And I'm like, I i'm like i've won i've won this little pooping duel uh i have a really good record in pooping duels even if the other person doesn't know that we're dueling i know and afterward because there's a ton of walmart employees in there like when you got out of there were you just like what's up like were you confident about it or were you like i, I got to go shop in Target now? Oh, no, I just walked out and kept walking.

I don't care. Yeah. I don't give a shit. They're not paying attention. They don't care. And if they do, what are they going to do? Not ring me up? I don't fucking care.

I'm not your friend. I'm just making sure. Some people are very self-conscious about this kind of stuff. I don't know why people are. Like, it's a bathroom. That's what it's for. Make a full evacuation and get out yeah but there are people who are self-conscious about everything like there are people who you know they mispronounce a word or something and they're like i can't look this person in the face again i'm like the walmart employee you're one of my friends

in high school used to do this thing where he knew about the quiet shitters. And so he would tell me, and I never started doing this. It was fucking hilarious. I don't know why I did. But he would get up when he was done peeing. If he knew someone was in there doing the quiet poop, he'd wash his hands. And then he'd go to the door and he'd go, eeeep. And just let it go and let it close and stand there silently.

And he's like, and almost every time I hear him go, oh! And then I'll go, ah, I heard you! And then he leaves. And then he left. I can't believe I haven't talked about that. Gotcha! You were pooping in the toilet.

Like a dick. You animal. Like a loser would uh i when i was when i was in college um anna paquin who went to my school and this was after she was already famous uh and a pac-1 is blood from true blood also she played rogue in uh x-men oh i've seen that yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah she's got the gap in her teeth yeah she was already she was already in a bunch of movies i think it was finding forest she was in a couple of movies before she like came she came i was graduating and so i didn't know her but uh two

amazing stories about her. One, because the bathroom story reminded me of it. She was kind of a lush. And so one day she decided it would be hilarious if she shut the bathroom lights and ran out. So like one of my friends was in the bathroom at the time. And so she shuts the bathroom lights and runs directly into a wall. She didn't remember to keep track of where the door was that's how she fucked her teeth up yeah yeah exactly that's how the and the trademark cap was born uh yeah she just and then she just like lay on the floor giggling drunk

but uh but my favorite one was uh i so a friend of mine had hooked up with her. And so word got around, of course. And one of my other buddies goes up to him and be like, hey, I heard you hooked up with Anna Paquin last night. And he turns to me and goes, Ari, this is Anna. Anna, meet Ari. Like she was standing there and he didn't recognize her and now she was an x-men and he probably wasn't even in x-men no he was not an x-men he did not

uh he did not end up being an x-men is she doing anything anymore yeah i'd imagine so yeah yeah she's in a show now i don't remember the name of it. I think she's interesting looking. She's not classically attractive. The thing that everyone always said was that she was surprisingly, and this is part of why my friend didn't even know it was her, was that she was surprisingly regular looking. Yeah. Like she didn't, like there were, for some reason, it was the same year. My school had like four legit celebrities coming in the same year. It was very like the running joke was like hey if you've been on tv you can just get

into the school and like everyone else you knew exactly who they were and like with her it was just she would just walk around pretty anonymous yeah she she was pretty hot in true blood i like true blood a lot she was yeah uh yeah true blood i thought was i thought the premise of it was awesome the idea of like what would happen if suddenly vampires didn't have to hide anymore and then it got like this weird masturbatory fantasy of a bored housewife like it just became they're like and what about werewolves also and ghosts and shapeshifters and every kind of creature i want to fuck because my life is boring yeah it got weird in like the last two seasons i'm gonna say the first couple seasons were really good i thought i liked them a lot but it got it got weirder and more bizarre as it went on the first season the bad guy was a human

like the bad guy was just a regular person in this world and then all of a sudden they were like and now this mystical creature and there's fucking fairies and i like it was one of those things where i'm like i watched it in the beginning and i kind of want to see how this all turns out so i'm still watching but it it was but and alan ball was a great showrunner once he left it was fucking weird yeah it got weird toward the end i'm not a fan i'll tell you what i've started watching a new show i finished it already but it's on netflix it's a show called happy okay oh i've seen ads for it i haven't seen it happy is the most absurd show i've ever seen in my entire fucking life and i watch a lot of television okay it's got the guy from law and order svu you know like the main guy stabler or whatever chris merloni something like that, he was in True Blood also.

I don't remember him in True Blood. Toward the end. In any case, he's like a retired, disgraced police officer who's now like a hitman or something like that. And his daughter has been kidnapped, and he's looking for her. He has a strange daughter that he never knew he had. There is an imaginary flying unicorn that is voiced by Patton Oswalt.

Okay? Okay. That is his sidekick. This imaginary, floating, flying, Patton Oswalt-voiced unicorn that's about this big named Happy. And you might think, this sounds dumb and childish. There is murder, rape, sex, all sorts of prostitution, a baby gets microwaved in one scene. There's death, destruction, gore, gunfights. Sounds great.

And the Law & Order guy is basically the Punisher if the Punisher did a lot of drugs and alcohol. And that's why the unicorn is there. The unicorn is his daughter's imaginary friend. And when the daughter gets kidnapped, she sends the imaginary friend off to find her father because he's the only one who could possibly help her and so what show is this happy it's on netflix and i just finished the full season of it and it's a must watch it's

fucking crazy it every episode i've watched it and something else would happen that's just absurd. So absurd. So weird. So bizarre. It's this mishmash of genres. It's literally an anime. Like a dark comedy? Very dark comedy. Death and destruction and murder.

And the main character just goes on these rampages where he's like, I shoot early and often. And he's gunning people down continuously he kills 30 40 people in the first season something like that just all these gangsters and murderers and bad guys there's a there's the the mob is involved and they have this torturer named mr smoothie uh mr smoothie is like continuously trying to catch the main guy and torture him to get this information out of him because whenever you order

the wrong smoothie he makes you the wrong one and it's really frustrating they show you in the second to last episode why they call him Mr. Smoothie you're not even close I thought I nailed it does he liquidate people

into a smoothie? No. Oh, I thought for sure that'd be a joke. Like, how bad are we talking? He just comes on them. I won't spoil it. Does he have good pickup lines, Mr. Smoothie? When you find out why they call him Mr. Smoothie, you're gonna be shocked when they

show, when you see what's going on. There's rape and murder and gore and violence and drugs everywhere just just cocaine and and and and methamphetamine and and pills and and just marijuana and everywhere everybody's fucked and there's there's sex and destruction and and all the while, there's like a Pixar animated unicorn voiced by Patton Oswalt, who is very friendly and happy. And he's just singing songs and clip-clopping his hooves and being a real friendly little tyke because he's a child's imaginary friend. But he's mixed up in this world of of horrific horrific things i love also that

like your description of why you watch it and why you love it is the exact same of why like suburban mothers would protest it you're just like there's rape and murder and gore it's wonderful it's shocking to watch because like you think you're watching one thing and then all of a sudden it's like boom here's a rape and you're like whoa whoa whoa i wasn't ready for rape and they're like all right well i'm accustomed to rape now let's let's go a little bit and then they're like and then i'm like wait wait there's magic are they doing magic right now is that is that a demon is that a demon because that old lady just poured menstrual blood in that marinara sauce.

I'm not making this up. She did. She did pour menstrual blood in the marinara sauce. They did eat it. Did they compliment it as they were eating it? One of the characters did compliment it. She said it's not that bad. Tastes like pennies! I'm telling you,

watch Happy on Netflix. I don't know how many episodes 12 episodes or something like that give it two episodes give it one you'll be shocked you'll be a one-off show or is there gonna be a season two i don't see how they could i mean i guess they could do a second season but like it's best to stay a one season thing i think but the the main guy the guy from Law & Order SVU, does an amazing job interacting with Patton Oswalt's imaginary unicorn voice that's floating around. He thinks he's crazy, of course, at first.

Everybody else obviously thinks he's crazy. There's this bum in the park. He's like, I hear the voices too. I know what it's like. And he's like, no, no, my voice is real. And he's like, yeah the voices too i know what it's like and he's like no no my voice is real and he's like oh yeah yeah i know and patten oswald is like happy-go-lucky he's a child's imaginary friend so like all the things he's seeing are just like really fucking him up as an imaginary unicorn friend so he's got a good voice for that kind of character.

He's really funny in his voice acting stuff. Really good stuff. Check out Happy on Netflix. I promise you, if you're into dark comedy, you're really going to like this show. I'm going to watch that. Kyle's like, best part of it, no strong female leads.

There is a very strong female lead in the show. That is the category I stick over always. You haven't mentioned. Well, yeah, I mean, they were there, but,

but the things that like hooked me were, were, were the main guy, the guy, the Maloney guy and Patton Oswalt's character. And, you know, the female characters were just kind of there.

They didn't get naked. It's 2019 it's time for us saving private ryan all female reboot i agree i agree is anybody with me the fact that you don't accept that there were women of color storming that beach alongside white women to save all of the other women you don't even need to change the name of the character they're women named ryan that's you know i want you to produce this i'll direct it i have no experience also i think ryan might have been his last name now that i think about it was there's definitely a woman with that last name it doesn't matter it was james ryan yeah what if it's what if it's the same movie but they just get there and it turns out it's a woman the whole time?

And that's the only reason they're rebooted. Vin Diesel died for this bitch. Sorry, spoilers. Let me do an advertisement here to tell everyone about Squarespace. This episode of PK is sponsored by our friends over at Squarespace. Whether you need a domain, a website, or an online store, make your next move to Squarespace. With easy-to-use tools, you can create a beautiful website

with Squarespace's all-in-one platform. There's nothing to install, patch, or upgrade ever. You can create beautiful websites or online stores with an award-winning template. Squarespace's award-winning templates are the most beautiful way to present your ideas online. Squarespace also offers a unique domain experience that's fully transparent and simple to set up.

They're trusted by millions of people and some of the most respected brands in the world. Squarespace is used by a wide range of creatives and people, including musicians, designers, artists, restaurants, and more. Everybody needs their own corner of the Internet today. So get started and start your free trial today at squarespace.com slash pka to get 10% off your first purchase. That's squarespace.com slash pka. Begin the next move in your career today with Squarespace. Check them out. If you need a website, that's how you get one.

This episode of PKA is also brought to you by a company we have a lot of personal experience with, Postmates. You know what's great about eating your favorite thing? It's your favorite thing and you're eating it. You know what's not so great? Getting it. And the only fast things that deliver are not what you're craving. Introducing Postmates, the app that adds a delivery option to all of your favorite restaurants. Imagine anything you want to eat delivered.

You don't have to drive, park, or even talk on the phone to order. Just download the app and order. 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Postmates will bring you what you want within the hour. You can even see where your food is and track your driver. I've been doing it for the last 15 minutes. You forgot your eggs? Your milk? No problem. Craving a tasty burger? Check. Looking for that perfect bottle of red wine or a summer beer? Order up. Postmates is your new long-term

munchies booty call. For a limited time, Postmates is giving you $100 of free delivery credit for your first seven days. To start your free deliveries, download the app today and use code PKA. That's code PKA for 100 bucks of free delivery credit for your first seven days. Save the hassle, get the food you love fast at Postmates with code PKA.

$100 for your first seven days. They're really hooking you on that, aren't they? Yes. Free delivery credit. Yes. My Postmates driver is on the way right now. His name is Roins. Roins L. He's on the way.

He's two minutes out. He's bringing me some burritos. Burritos. I'm very excited. I ordered from Moe's. I got the Home Wrecker. It's going to be delicious in a couple hours when I'm finally able to eat it. Why would it be called a Home Wrecker?

They named their burritos. That's what the burrito's called. It's named after Kyle. All right, then. Or it's named after Taylor's Walmart shits. That's fine. Yeah, it's called the homewrecker. That's the name of their biggest burrito.

I want to watch that video She's demanded that we watch And says we fucked up big time last week But Taylor wasn't here Well problem solved Yeah we ran out of time last week To watch it It just got swept to the wayside

And this I believe is a transsexual person At a GameStop Trying to get some service Transgender I'm not even sure if they're different Ah did I say transsexual person at a GameStop trying to get some service. Transgender. Now, I'm not even sure if they're different, but. Ah, did I say transsexual? I meant transgender. Jesus is very adamant we watch.

Oh, my God. Did someone find the quote? What did he write? I think he wrote, you fucked up big time last week. By not watching the GameStop video? I mean, I love public free caps, so I'm sure I'll like this. Here. You guys have to watch this in all caps.

You fucked up last week skipping this. This is gold. Blind watch. I did like the one where wasn't someone freaking out at Taco Bell trying to order fries? I've seen that one. That sounds so funny. That one was good, because that one was just one of these things of like, this is 100% your fault.

Taco Bell has fries now. That's not an excuse. They did not at the time. They definitely did not at the time. Well, this person's outrage spurred Taco Bell on to make that wise decision to add French fries to the menu. They're delicious. Yeah, I'm always cautious about this stuff because they always start mid, and so you don't see what happened before. Well, I agree.

Can we start it? Oh, yeah. I'm queued up at zero. The best way to watch these is to just assume the worst of the subject. It's funniest. Yeah. All right. On play.

Ready, set, play. We're not doing credit. You're going to give me my fucking money back. Excuse me, sir. There's a young man in here. Excuse me, it's ma'am. It is ma'am. I can call the police if you'd like me to. You need to settle down.

You need to settle down and mind your business. Ma'am. Once again, ma'am. I said both of you. No, you said sir. Once again, it's ma'am. I actually said both of you guys. Right beforehand, you fucking said sir. You're not acting very ladylike. You said sir again. I will show you fucking said sir you're not acting very ladylike he said sir again

I need your corporate number several times in the store. I need your corporate number. But Google. Get it for me now. I cannot afford Google. I need your corporate number. Because quite clearly I am not. Yes, get it for me now. Get it for me now. I'm not cussing. I'm not cussing. Give me the damn number now.

Give me the damn number. Damn, I followed you. I followed you. I have not, I'm not cussing. I'm just kicking over your displays. Yes. And grunting. Like a lady.

You're just going to keep talking, you're going to disrespecting trans people in this store. Which I plan on telling the entire I don't think that that's true women am I right perfect timing on that one that fellow right there is a little upset. I mean, we've all been upset at GameStop, right? What a fucking prick.

Kicking over a display for some minimum wage guy to have to go rebuild? Fuck him. Here's why I think the cash register dude was the asshole. Because he made the central issue the curse words. I hate that. I hate that. I hate that more than anything. When all of a sudden it's like, whoa, the curse words. I hate that. I hate that. I hate that more than anything. When all of a sudden it's like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You know, isn't really the big issue here that you used a cuss word? Please stop using cuss words. Guys, stop using bad words. Please stop cursing while you're playing GTA. Let me say something. Let me maybe try and sway you, Woody. You're 100% right if you're speaking to someone on the phone on customer service and it's you and them and you're in your, you're speaking to someone on the phone on customer service and it's you and

them and you're in your you know whatever house and you get mad and then they're like oh hang up you know i think that's another bill burr bit where he's like you have to not curse but here like there are children around like it really isn't appropriate to be screaming that kind of stuff like it's not just you like there are kids waiting in line so i do kind of see the point there i didn't see any kids oh i just heard him say there are kids oh i heard the reference but i didn't see them and and it's my story and i'll tell it the way i want to the fact remains that there are no children here maybe he misaged the kid the same way that he misgendered her it's like there are children here i'm 47 there are little boy little boy yeah little boy so here's my take my take on the

sir ma'am thing is like people in the heat of the moment make mistakes all the time of course i have called from stage i have accidentally said sir i have accidentally said miss to the wrong person not someone who's trans just someone who i was just speaking quickly and i accidentally said the wrong thing you're a dick when you do it on purpose you're a dick when you insist on it the same way that you're a dick if someone insists on like if if someone goes like hey let's say steve was my middle name all right let's say my name was like robert steve hofsetter and i was like yeah call me steve and you're like whatever robert like you're a dick then too like just respect the respect the person for that and that's fine if that person in order to try to fuck with her

was like, okay, sir, then he's an asshole. I would say that particular transgender lady was a tough call. Like the most female thing about her was the shirt she wore under that hoodie.

It was pink. And the shoes. Pink shoes. I'm going to disagree with Woody here because... Wait, you didn't think the grunting and the kicking over to... That's fucking toxic femininity if I've ever seen it. And she specifically was like, I'll show you a man, let's take it outside. And I was like, wait a minute, are you only... I'll show you a sir.

That was a funny line. I'm looking at the imposing figure this guy puts here that would make Christine Cyborg look feminine. sir that was that was a funny line i'm looking at the imposing figure this guy puts here that would make christine cyborg look feminine and and everything about that person vibes dude except the t-shirt yeah i feel bad for the attendant there because he's it's pretty obvious he's just trying to diffuse a very uncomfortable situation and i agree with him having a second taking issue with her cursing like he's not the one who initially had the issue with her cursing. A mother with a small

child was like, hey. Allegedly small child. That kid's not on camera. That's true. That's not verified, Kyle. Well, she said she had a small child. I'm going to believe the mother. Oh, please. You're in the pocket of big child. You'll believe anything they say. You're in the pocket of big small child. An anonymous source. You shouldn't be cursing

in public. In any circumstance. I don't curse them. But also, Kyle, have you ever walked into a GameStop? Immediately you're like fuck this place. It's just instinct. I like GameStop. I have no issues with GameStop. I like the employees at my local GameStop. They're nice

guys. I'm confused. They have been sponsored. It's a high-quality establishment for high-quality people. Are they sponsors? Not tonight. No. Yeah. No. I genuinely like my local GameStop.

They're nice guys. Taylor, ma'am, if you could, ma'am, if you could stop this, ma'am. I just think that, like, yeah, he was trying to defuse the situation. He didn't do it well but he was trying and i think that the vast majority of the trans community and every trans person i've ever met has been like really understanding the idea of like hey this is new for a lot of you and therefore we want to work with you on on we want to teach you what makes us comfortable and we want to work with you on that and that's and then you have someone like this who's just like, everything you knew 10 years ago is different.

You need to know that right away. And it's just like that's not fair to someone. Order what they wanted. Like what was their purchase that day that was not going their way? Sir, we're not going to give you $55 for this used copy of Dishonored. Freaks the fuck out, Adam. Yeah, if he came in with like 12, 14 old games and they offered him $6, that'd be so GameStop.

That's so GameStop. Dude, they'll offer you $10 for a console. What if she was just like pissed off? Oh, sorry, go ahead. I'm not going to interrupt you from agreeing with me please go ahead I agree with you that like Like if he was one of those people who was like Being aggressively ignorant

Just trying to like poke the buttons Then yeah he'd be a prick No not at all I think he was scared Because he's a GameStop employee And he's not used to being screamed at He's got a lot of customers he's aStop employee and he's not used to being screamed at. He's got a lot of customers. He's a young guy. Then he's not local to me. Then he's not local to you, I guess.

Yeah, like when you see people in these customer service positions, I always tend to give them the benefit of the doubt because it's like they deal with so much shit. In order to try to help defuse situations like this, I yell at every customer or service person I can so they can get used to it.

And harden them. And they learn how to react in a non-threatening situation where they just think that their life is a danger. That's really smart, and I'm immediately converted. I'm going to do that. Steve had two points that I liked a lot. One, you get to choose what you're called. Right? That's just the deal.

Right? It doesn't matter if you're ginger, Jewish, black, whatever. Just let me know what you want to be called and we'll go with that savage america two or three yeah you know that you're just looking at steve and naming things i don't know i don't care if you're ginger jewish pale wearing a reddit shirt you have a beard that you probably should have shaved a couple days ago but you're lazy it could be anything yeah i forgot you be anything. Yeah. I forgot you were Jewish too. And then, so you get to choose what you're called. And then the other half of it was,

oh, the way that you phrased it, you're like, you know, I get that this is all new to you. And, you know, let me educate you. You don't know what, you don't know what's up. That's a nice way to approach it. There's a wonderful episode of Arian Foster's podcast where he interviews a trans woman. And it really opened my eyes to a lot of things about like, OK, here is what they go through. Here is so many things. And this is why there is anger because of how much how difficult a lot of their lives have been. And, you know, that made me a lot more sympathetic and a lot more understanding. It is a wonderful episode i highly recommend it to anyone who has a strong opinion on any side of that issue but i really do think there needs to be and i've seen it for most people but there needs to be an understanding of hey we're trying here but that doesn't mean it's going to be overnight

like we're gonna have to get used to this i don't think most people really fucking care like yeah like the average person out there like if you go oh sir and if they go oh i prefer to be ma'am or she or her it's like okay well first of all if you're in the same room as me that won't matter because i won't use a pronoun i'll use your name like yeah that like that that would be rude to use a pronoun if you're sitting right here talking about you like but especially if you only ever see this sir right here yeah this sir yeah like normal people i don't think give a fuck like you only see the fringes of this like if you meet someone in in real life and they say call me she or call me a woman like i feel like most normal people are just going to be like whatever i don't care sure this doesn't affect my life although i remember in college when ricky wanted to be

rick and all of us were like fuck you ricky fuck ricky yeah i was basically one of like three people who called him rick and then eventually caught on but he was he was ricky for three years we got used to it you know isn't that funny that you're like, yeah, you know, you got to be tolerant to this stuff. But Rick, that fucking guy. No, I'm saying I was one of the only people who actually was like, all right, you want to be Rick? I'm going to do my best. And even with that, even with that, no, I'm saying most of the rest of us were like, fuck you. You're Ricky.

But because they were just so used to it. And like there were definitely times where I was like, and I was actively trying to help where I would like call him. I would say his name more than I would normally, but like I, all the time I fucked up and called him Ricky. Cause I was just so used to it. And that was what he was called.

And so like, if there's someone who you thought was sir, and suddenly they're ma'am and you accidentally say, sir, like that's, it happens. i i don't see any maliciousness in that game stop attendant at all i see someone who really does not want to be in this situation the problem with this poor transgendered a lady is just how masculine

she was before she changed her mind or whatever changed her sex. Gender. Let's go with that. Before she changed her gender. Look, this is new to me and I'm not good at it. Before she changed... That's because it's all made up. Before she changed her gender,

that was a man's man, right? This is... She didn't go from... Is Twink offensive? I don't know. It's on Reddit. Yes. Everything is.

Dude, she kicked that display athletically. She wasn't a ladyboy? Is that a... I don't know, but she was not like a fair... Feminine. The word is feminine. Yeah, that's the correct one. She wasn't feminine.

Yeah, ladyboy. Words you're not supposed to use anymore. The word is feminine. Oh yeah, that's the correct one. What is on words you're not supposed to use anymore dot biz right now? You know, she was a very masculine faggot. That's what I'm trying to say. That's what they like, right? That's what they prefer. LGBTQF?

A man fag. I think I've seen that. I'm just trying to fit in. I'm just trying to be PC. That's a to fit in. I'm just trying to be PC. That's a funny bit. Dude who's trying to be PC but just can't get around. Yeah. Oh, that happened. A friend of mine was telling me a story where his friend was talking about how backwards her father was.

And, like, her father had said something kind of racist. She was dating a black guy, and her father said something kind of racist about him and she's telling this story to my friend and she goes oh i can't believe my dad would be so racist he's so retarded and my friend was like you're you're getting closer like you're definitely you're trying to be woke but i don't think you're all the way there i will not let them take retarded. I will stand firm by retarded. It's too funny. It's too funny. We can't get rid of retarded.

We can change the genders, whatever. But retarded? Come on. You're watching this video being like, that ma'am is retarded. That ma'am is a retard. Yeah. I just think that, look,

any word could evolve. There are words that were offensive before and aren't anymore and there are words that weren't offensive that are now. What's no longer offensive? Because I don't see many moving in that direction. I feel like we're adding to the list all the time. Nancy? Oh, that's a good one. That used to mean gay

and nobody says that anymore. Let's bring Nancy back. Nobody says, oh, you know what my favorite old-timey curse is? Applesauce. I love that. That's a curse. Is that real or did you make that up? That's real.

No, you'd say it in the, like if something bad happened, you're like, oh, applesauce. Like that kind of thing. That's kind of. Wow. It's like a 1920s slang thing. Oh, applesauce. Literally gangsters used to say that.

But that's my point language evolves and if there's something that offends a large group of people and i'm not talking about by the way and and this is where i draw the line i know a lot of like a lot of people who hear me and think my politics and they go oh what a liberal cuck i'm not liberal i'm progressive and here's here's what i think the difference is i support lgbtq if you want to add 17 more letters to that fuck off like there there are marginalized groups there are truly marginalized groups there are people who who are who want poly to be a protected class what does that mean polyamorous like wanting to fuck more than one person. People are saying that's part of their identity? Yes! Yes, it is!

And there are people who are like, I identify as a lion. It's like, fuck off. I'm fine with that. That's cool as fuck. Lions are neat. I identify as a colorful bird, which makes me a poly.

Parrot. What about someone who identifies as a bird? Birds suck. Birds suck. I'm not okay with that. Birds do suck, yeah. All right. But my point is that kind of thing is like, okay, you're identifying as someone who is

searching for an identity. That's all you're identifying as. And so that's where, to me, is the divide between progressive and liberal. Progressive is like, let's help people who are downtrodden. Liberal is like, each individual can do are downtrodden liberal is like each individual can do whatever they want regardless of how it affects society and that's where that's where i break was it um is it roger stone like actual literal cuck i kept reading about that today and i didn't know if it was true true like he wanted to watch some other dude fuck his wife

like a literal cuck yes well i haven't heard anything about it but i choose to believe it i haven't heard that but yes now it's true it's absolutely true 100 true been verified you know it's funny no you know it's not even worth going to that level of funny to make fun of him look at a picture of that dude without a hat on fucking hilarious he's got like a real pinhead oh my god i saw such a great meme so someone did a thing it's one of these things where it's like i wish i knew who created this because because it was genius where they showed a picture of his horrible spray tan and they were like look roger stone and donald trump the reason they're friends is they get their makeup done at the same funeral parlor like he's danny devito

in that episode of sunny i'm not diddling kids okay you know what you were talking about words they took back like yeah lgbtq just like a few years ago queer was a bad word and you weren't supposed to call people queer and now it's right there right in the right in the sequence what's the difference between queer and gay i have no idea i think they were like... I don't think there's ever been a show on TV called Gay as Folk. Yeah. I mean, that's actually a good question. I don't get that when there's lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and then... Queer.

Queer. How do the queers differ? And why do lesbians get their own thing? I think gay... And I'm just guessing this through no research whatsoever. Don't let that stop you absolutely why would it when has it and when is it going to so i would assume that so queer covers things like intersex and like a lot of these other letters that people are adding all q is the

umbrella okay but okay so tell me what this then lesbian then gay all right lesbians gay women yeah square rhombus it doesn't mean you can't have both it it's an acronym we're literally trying to condense a lot of stuff into one thing and yet they're like they do wanna there should be a word that wants to be heard the G in it basically is for gay men. I think that's what the G... What's the equivalent of lesbian for dudes? Just gay. Gay.

That's why I think... Gay means both. I feel like they don't... I'm looking for a distinguishing word. Like lesbian. I don't think there is. I don't think there is. I think that any movement that's trying to get traction

definitely benefits from shorter acronyms. You know, like... And pronounceable acronyms you know like if they just did gbtq so q's the umbrella like you said for whatever like it's like a catch-all they include lesbian and gay in there and they shorten it down to four or and then people remember better are they leading off with lesbian because it's everybody's favorite i think that's actually probably it's the most to a to a person who is not support the movement it is the most palatable yeah i used to do i used to do a bit about how if you don't support gay rights you're not allowed to watch lesbian porn i stand by that strongly it's it's a slippery slope which is also a good name for lesbian porn that aside uh it's what is it

you can't benefit it's the same way that like look you want to be racist to be racist you want to hate mexicans that's fine you're not allowed to eat mexican food like you can't have it both ways you can't well what if you're not racist you want to be anti-semitic don't use a computer because all the chips are made in israel really? I didn't even know that. That's not even true. Not all of them, but a lot. Intel, that whole company is an Israeli company. It's not an Israeli company.

It's an American company. There's a ton of Israeli companies. There are a lot of people who... Gary Goleman actually does a wonderful bit. What does Israel manufacture other than the oppression of Palestinians? They make a few firearms. Try to have

fizzy soda at home without Israel. Oh, wait. They're responsible for SodaStream? They are. All is forgiven. Gary Goleman has that amazing bit about all the things that, like, if you're going to be anti-Semitic, like, you can't the short

guy from what's happening no facts not that's gary coleman you can't use this grill i am the ever rare black jew wait can you use this grill are you on george foreman that is george foreman oh i thought that's what you said no i said I said the short guy from Facts of Life, which I thought is not... Different Strokes is what I'm going for. And it took me a while to get there. All of us just sounded like someone's grandmother explaining television to somebody. But that aside, yeah, Goldman's bit is incredible.

It's all about like all the things you can't use. It's like you want to be anti-Semitic. It's like you can't use... I think it was remote control condoms. Oh, no, i think it was uh remote control condoms oh no it's birth control remote control condoms sound like a terrible idea and then uh and then also uh polio vaccine was also from a jewish guy so you know i've never stuck in bed on your polio ridden legs i've never had it you know i've never had jewish food like matzo matzo is it matzo or matzo it's matzo it's matzo if you've never met a jewish person if you have met a jewish person it's matzo

that's what i always hear people saying because like my jewish friends will actively rip on jewish food mine did too and say that they have not had good jewish food there is some really good jewish food there may be but there's a lot of shitty jewish food too yeah like i um so i grew up in new jersey i had lots of jewish friends and yeah like i don't know what do they have like no yeast or something like these are crackers but they're bad this is that's like literally the whole point of that is like we're not supposed to be happy in this time, so we can't eat the full thing. But like the – okay, like matzo ball soup is great. Knishes are awesome.

What's a knish? A knish is a – it's like our version of like – it's kind of like a fried dumpling thing. It's like a fried potato dumpling. It's got to be good. Yeah, those are really freaking good. It's like a fried potato dumpling. It's got to be good. Yeah, those are really freaking good.

Just, I mean, a lot of Eastern European food, a lot of, you know, like chicken dishes and things like that are great. Falafel's awesome. Containers of gefilte fish I see at the store look horrific. Yeah, I was going to say, all the fish-based Jewish stuff is bad. Jewish food that's eaten by like, you know, it's 90-year-old women, not like the actual,

like you're literally being like, I've never been invited old women, not like the actual... I don't think of Eastern Europe as a place for good food. I've never been invited to Yom Kippur, so I don't... You know what Eastern Europeans particularly suck at? Eastern Europeans suck at candy. They're terrible at it. What is it? Candy. Any kind of candy. They're just not good at candy. What are you talking about? Kosher chocolate's

great. Passover chocolate is awesome. You can't eat regular chocolate? If you stay kosher? I mean, everything has to be kosher if you're kosher. I feel like kosher. Now, I've never had kosher chocolate, but I'm just guessing that since they have a separate chocolate over there, that it's much like Girl Scout cookies,

that it would never succeed in the free market if it wasn't for their all of the chocolate you've ever eaten has been kosher oh well then why are you like kosher chocolate's the good stuff but woody no i'm not saying it's not the good oh go ahead i'm not saying that only kosher chocolate is good i'm saying that like most chocolate is kosher because it's fairly easy to make chocolate kosher and therefore they're going to sell it to a wider audience if they just make it kosher like it doesn't like you're shitting on the different kinds of chocolate like people in the uk and europe shit all over hershey because they're like oh it's not real she doesn't even have enough uh cocoa content to to qualify as chocolate here and it's like nobody's cared about your country. They also eat haggis.

It's like, yeah, you eat... Well, that's a different group. No, they're right about that. Hershey's is not chocolate. Hershey's is literally poor people's chocolate. It's what we came up with during the Depression to be like, yeah, kids, you can still have chocolate. We're not that poor. But we are.

Isn't Reese's made by Hershey's? Yeah. Or is that something... Well, Reese's are great. Even Hershey's is great. It's not chocolate, though. It doesn't matter if it's great or not. Yeah, it's tasty. I like it, but it's not chocolate. That's the point of it.

There's a lot of traditional Passover candies. I'm LGBT-C. LGBT candy. Chocolate, but yeah. There's a lot of traditional Passover candies that are like these chocolate-cover covered marshmallows that are freaking awesome um yeah and uh and like these uh it depends on where you grew up and like what you're used to eating i've had the chocolate

covered marshmallows they're good yeah but a lot of those are great there's there's plenty of garbage traditional jewish food and there's plenty of garbage traditional any kind of food. Oh, for sure. Olive Garden has shitty Italian. Yeah. I think Jewish contribution to society is the greatest. They have the better hot dogs. Our hot dogs are better. Yeah, if it says kosher

on the hot dog, they're the good ones. The only hot dog better than the Hebrew National ones are Nathan's. Well, Hebrew National sometimes has not been kosher. Like, there was controversy over that. What? Yeah, there was controversy over where they found out that they were cutting corners.

It's in the name. During the same time that they had commercials. Are you going to tell me that Hebrew National is cutting corners? The Jewish hot dog company was being cheap? I mean, my goodness, they won't know if there's just a little bit of pork. I mean, just a little bit of pork, how would they know?

If they don't, if the consumer doesn't know, God surely doesn't either. When I was a kid, so I grew up, I don't care now, but I grew up in a kosher home. So when I was a kid so I grew up I don't care now but I grew up in a kosher home okay and so when I was a kid I had never had bacon I had never had you know shellfish I never had any of that stuff and then I was at a I was at like a salad bar we would go like to a non-kosher place and I just but I wasn't allowed to have like the meat or whatever and I remember seeing because I didn't know what

ham looked like and at a salad bar there's like that cubed ham that you're supposed to put on the salad and uh oh we just lost taylor yeah yeah huh he'll be back i'm sure he's probably there he is okay uh so we uh so anyway like i just saw the cubed up ham and i assumed it was cut up hot dog because that's all i knew i was a little kid and my mom was not happy really she didn't like understand you made an innocent mistake no she wasn't like mad at me she wasn't angry at me she was angry at like what had happened she wasn't mad at the salad bar either she wasn't being unreasonable about it she was like there's nothing we could do about this but she was like now you're gonna burn forever did she try to guilt you yeah she was mad that that uh that i was gonna i no longer had salvation those are the real problem yeah did she tell you that night when you went to bed like you won't be spending

eternity with me and your father now because you had those cubed hot dogs at the salad bar yeah i high-fived my sister i was like sweet i got my own place it's great can you guys hear me yes yep what happened did you press the wrong button or did the urinate go out no it just went to a blank gray discord screen then said it wasn't picking up my mic for some reason but i didn't touch anything so oh well i wanted to ask steve if yeah if you were to recommend one traditional jewish dish that you think is that'll convert people it's really good what would you recommend uh oh good potato latkes potato well done potato latkes so uh most times like you get a potato

like if they have them on the menu at a diner or something they're just basically fried potato pancakes but like a homemade latke that's done with like sliced up potato and sliced onion in it and like fried to just fry the fuck out of it. Just real crisped up. Super thin also. These look just like really good hash browns.

They're the best hash browns you'll ever have. They're like the next level of hash brown. And they're seasoned, if it's seasoned really, really well. And you could either, they're traditionally served with either sour cream or applesauce. I prefer the sour cream.

It depends on, you know, if you have sweet or savory, what you prefer. Applesauce, I don't like the idea of that. That's if people like them sweet. I'm not a fan. I think that's ridiculous. But if I, a good homemade latke, that'll convert you for sure.

Alright. I would have gone with the chocolate-covered marshmallows. But it's just me. Those are also good, but that's the kind of thing where you're like, oh, I've had this kind of candy before. That's true. You've had similar candy,

but a good homemade latke is fantastic it is not good for you and that's part of what makes it taste so good because it's just covered in oil you're just i had hash browns this morning they were delicious yeah and imagine if they're like perfectly crisped thin i don't like them i like them like like like thin ratios. I like them soft and moist. Different kind of food. It's a...

I mean... Jake won't work at Waffle House. No, he was my delivery driver and he was responsible for handling my hash browns. And somehow, I got a single order of hash browns instead of the triple order, which I ordered, and my coffee was left

out. I was incensed. And he called you ma'am, which was very upsetting. He got a two cent tip. I clicked other on that one. He got two pennies. You literally gave him your two cents. Yes. That's exactly what I said when I did it.

I was like, I'm going to give this guy my two cents, and I did. Because he fucked my order up. I was a single hash brown. Do you think it was Jake Wands? I guess it's his responsibility to check it. His responsibility. We don't know if he said it wrong. He may not even be the guy who told him he just needed to check it.

But, when he gets there, he needs to be checking. Be like, hey, you got all the cows hash browns? Cool. You got his coffee? You don't. Bitch! Jake Juan is supposed to be making that shit right.

And look, I could maybe excuse a single order of hash browns coming rather than a triple. But zero coffee versus one coffees is a massive difference. I hope Jake Juan was a white guy because that's a hilarious white guy. Asian. Asian. Yeah.

Not bad. No, that's still pretty funny. Okay. Yeah. Especially with Kyle's impression of him. He really sold the Asian. Motherfucker! I am so sorry.

I'm not bringing what you need. No, he said Asian, not black, Taylor. God damn it. I keep... my accent drifts oh god damn mad it was like it was like 8 a.m and i was i really i hadn't eaten and like do you do uber do you do uber eats no never meets i think he literally does postmates only we're a postmate sponsor well you're gonna like this but i think it's actually true yeah go off i'm gonna go off on uber eats so this this is like perfect for the

sponsor because i'm gonna i'm gonna insult their competition um i i had a i had a thing i ordered from them i'd say it's half the time half the time i use them i get what i want and the other half it's a crapshoot so i ordered from them and it's one of those things where you just see the time that it's supposed to get to you keep going up. And I'm like, what the fuck is going on? So I called the driver and he was like, oh, I'm just delivering another order before yours. I was like, oh, oh, so you're double dipping and I have to suffer for it. And so 42 minutes after he picked it up from a place that's two miles from me.

I finally get it. And of course the food's cold because it's 40 fucking minutes. And so I call up, you know, I call up Uber and they were like, oh, well, you know,

we can refund half your order. And I was like, well, my whole order was cold though. And they were like, well, that's all I'm able to do. So I was like, ah, time I'm able to do. So I was like, ah,

time to take it to Twitter. So I just went to Twitter and I tweeted Uber Eats. And they were... Oh, and the person who gave me half my order, I was like, hey, if they had brought me the wrong food, completely the wrong food, would you have given me all my money back? And she's like, yeah, of course.

And I said, oh, I ordered hot food. So this order is wrong. And she was like, well, that doesn't count as the, I was like, so I went to Twitter and I just tweeted at them. And immediately they were like,

what's your order number? We were a fun you. And that's the fun thing about having 75,000 followers in a blue check. It's like, it's just companies will kneel before you. It's great. Kyle, you never take advantage of your blue check and your 350,000 odd followers to get your Postmates.

Well, I mean, you wouldn't need to with Postmates because it's always effective and quality service. It's just great service. No, usually like I've had issues with other delivery services before, I won't name any names, but if you call them up and yell a little bit, usually they'll just make things right.

That's what I thought. Yelling's tough. I have a hard time changing minds. I was very impressed with Taylor on the moving company that tried to bill him unfairly. Yeah, you've got one speed, Woody. That's not even true. No, what I actually do is anything.

It's so funny for Woody. I would love to see yelp be like you know i'm very upset with you guys and i think that you have no idea how i feel like like it um can you tell him see them no no you got it wrong he's lying i and everyone else who's observed it are lying. Now, what I actually do, it doesn't work at all, is I'll make some joke that lets them off the hook, and then they're off the hook.

You know, like, whatever. My food came. It was freezing cold. Oh, well, all we can do is this. Well, you know, I'm fairly charming. You should make an exception for me. LOL, nothing gets done. And, like, I don't know.

I just suck at changing minds my my favorite my favorite uh strategy is always because i like to bring up my following without threatening them with it and what i'll do is i'll just be like i have a hundred million views on youtube but that's not why you should be nice to me you should be nice to me because i'm a customer you should be nice to all of your customers so i'm basically saying like hey i'm i'm gonna ruin you for a lot of people but i'm not specifically threatening that so i'm sure i have i don't think i've ever not gotten my way on any of this stuff and i try not to be unreasonable but like i had i had a comcast once um and by the way stop me if any of these are your sponsors um i had comcast uh charge me for equipment i never had like i had one tv with cable and i returned the

cable box and then they were like where's the other cable box i was like how many tvs do you have down on my account they're like one i was like why would i have two cable boxes and they're like well it says here that you do i was like do you think that might be a mistake and they're like well it says here that you do i was like do you think that might be a mistake and they charged me and then late fees it was like a thousand bucks um yeah i uh actually for that one the way i won was i found the i found the director's name like the fucking head of comcast and i just found his office i called his office his secretary picks up and i just tell her that i asked for a comment about the lawsuit she's like what lawsuit i was like well the one i'm proceeding with tomorrow if i don't get my money back because you guys have stolen a thousand dollars from me so and then fucking next day next day uh i did

verizon that was my favorite one because verizon charged me for the person who had my phone number after me oh that sucks yeah they kept my credit card on file. And that person, $400 for one month phone bill. Oh, my wife. Yeah, yeah. Your wife had my number, it turns out. Oh, no. Easy joke there.

Yeah, I wanted to do it. But I – so what I did is I finally got them to refund the money and so what i did is i asked for i said i want the money back i want three months free service um i want you to cover the late charges and interest on my credit card because i refuse to pay it and i also want an official apology on company letterhead and so they refused that last one they're like well we can't do that i didn't want them to do that i just wanted them to have one win you got to set the anchor point high yeah exactly they did all the other shit and uh and then i didn't even have verizon anymore i just called my mother and i was like i want you i want you to refund my money

and build a wall at the southern border of the United States. Well, I like Steve Stratton. He's like, I want $10,000 and a hat, and I'm flexible on the hat. Yeah, exactly. That's exactly what. Yeah, well, I got to cover my forehead somehow. I mean, I had a – and I didn't even have it. I just gave my mother three months free phone service, and she's like, why?

I was like, don't ask questions i had a this wasn't me but i had a co-worker working with time warner cable and he wasn't getting the service he needed i don't even want it faster than it or whatever it was but he figured out that they wouldn't hang up on him and he would just like pastor and pastor him and eventually as he comes to realize though no matter what he does they won't hang up up, he's like, well, I'm going to keep you on the call until you give me what I need. And he starts watching the Florida Gators football game with them, commenting on what's happening. And the call's just going and going.

Two and a half hours later, the guy gave in and gave him what he wanted. And he was so proud of himself he told us all that is that's a brilliant one i mean i try to the other thing i try to do is i try to get the person i'm talking to on my side first of all you're you you go to the supervisor as quickly as you can but then also i always say like look i might raise my voice i'm i might sound angry i might come off terse but I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at your company. I hope you don't take this as me being angry at you.

And so then it allows you to be defiant, but also them feeling like they're on your side. And most of these people hate their fucking companies anyway. Oh, for sure. Yeah. So yeah, most of the time, if they can do something, they'll do it to get rid of

you i didn't know that you can just call your internet and cable provider and say things like i think i might cancel i don't think this is fair and they'll just be like all right well what do you think's fair and it's like absolutely like so so the internet's basically free for you i guess and like this this is just an arbitrary point that you're choosing. Yeah, lots of things are negotiable like that. I was paying a lot for Sirius Radio for a long time. And at one point, I was just going to cancel it in one of my cars. And I was like, yeah, I want to cancel this car.

And they're like, well, we could make it $15. Well, I just don't want it. How about $8? And I was like, how about it's free and we come blow you and it just kept going down and i was just like i i really just don't use that that car well sir to be honest with you we're trying to artificially pump our numbers and most of our numbers come from selling new hyundais with the service already installed uh our business model's dying and we don't we can't afford to lose you yeah We'll give you $3 if you keep it.

We'll give you $3 if we can say that your car has it in there. It is true, though, that most of these companies, you can just call them. As long as there's competition. I need to do that with my phone. It's the only one I'm getting fucked on. I'm pretty happy with my internet. I'm pretty happy with Netflix. I feel like I pay too much for my phone'm getting fucked on. I'm pretty happy with my internet. I'm pretty happy with Netflix. I feel like I

paid too much for my phone and I should switch. I just changed. Check your cell phone bill once a year because you never know what promos they've done since then. And you get so used to paying what you're paying that sometimes they've lowered that amount. Yeah, I just changed. I got rid of AT&T and went to Google Fi.

It was much cheaper. Is that a phone service? Yeah, it's's Google phone service. I've never heard of that. How much of a difference was it? I don't know. It only allows you to call three numbers, but one of them is Postmates, so it's fine. It's all good.

He's got two he doesn't need. I don't know how much I saved. Kitty did the whole thing, but apparently I'm saving a lot of money now. But you're on the same phone, like the same physical phone, like your AT&T phone? No, I got a new saving a lot of money now. But you're on the same phone? Like the same physical phone? Like your AT&T phone? No, I got a new phone. Kept the same

number. Oh, something like random. My car insurance, I wasn't even expecting it to change, but when I left, like, the city of St. Louis, Yeah. It's like $700 less a year now. Well, yeah, you don't have to pay for the hammer insurance.

There's not a constant threat of hammer insurance and assault and things like that. I'm very surprised by that. Are you covered for hobo ejaculate? Hey, Kyle, we've already talked about Wings Car Enough. Didn't we talk about Wings Car Enough? I'm glad you brought that up. I don't think we did.

I feel like you did. Oh, my God. Chiz linked me some numbers. And look, in the evening, I like to have myself a few drinks. I've had myself a few drinks this evening. So maybe I completely... And then you like to analyze other people's car payments. So maybe I completely misunderstood what I was...

What do you do when you drink, you loser? I know. Of course you do. The only drinks in the AM and PM. I was linked three numbers essentially one of them was like the blue book value of wings car which might have been let's just say twelve thousand dollars it's not that's the wrong number but let's just say it was and then it was like wait what year is it what year is the mustang i don't fucking know i'm drunk

yeah like four or five years old okay like four or five year old must It's not that old. Yeah, like four or five years old. Okay. Like four or five-year-old Mustang. And then the other number was the repairs required to fix what was done to it. And it was a lot. It was like $9,000 or $10,000 more. And then there was the number he paid for it, or he claimed to have paid for it, which was $6,000. And we were all scratching our heads like, this does not add up. This looks like a Donald Trump tax plan or something. this just doesn't make any fucking sense at all you add all these numbers together and you subtract the one in the bottom and either they took a massive loss to sell this gentleman a mustang or

something is is there's a lie so there's a possibility he paid more for that mustang than he's telling us there's a a possibility, yes. Advertising, free advertising, they're getting from us shitting on this car. Oh, dude. Dozens of people. I get to advertise. Wings of Redemption buying your brand is the equivalent of a

hate crime. Isn't that a good thing? Haven't you heard? Wings of Redemption drives the brand new Ford Mustang. Really? Yeah, they're tampons with wings, thinking of changing the name of the tampon

just so that people don't. Why would a tampon have wings? You've never seen those commercials? Yeah, but they're not tampons. Oh, not tampons, maxi pads. Maxi pads, yeah. When you guys double-team me, you made me question myself. I'm like, that's not how they work.

I just love the idea. Wings of absorption. Wings of absorption. Do you want to take bets on how long it takes for that car to break down? Because it's a salvage title that's been crashed. I'm still laughing about the idea of some poor lady ordering Maxi pad with wings, and it's just a regular maxi pad delivered by wings i hear your downstairs plumbing still work

i'm glad you brought this but why is it already open well salvaged free installation yeah that thing's gonna fucking fall apart right away i can't fucking t it and i and i'm willing to take a bet on it. First of all, he's a vehicle hypochondriac, but he's already like, it's got a little shimmy. It's got a little shimmy in it. You hear that? And it's like, no, I don't fucking hear it.

I've seen him do that when he had really high-end super trucks. He's like, oh, I got new tires. Now the ride is bad. You got to get these tires to make the ride right. And he felt like the seats were wrong. It's almost like there's 600 extra pounds on the left side of the car. I don't understand. He's a vehicular hypochondriac.

I let go of the wheel right in the mid-ditch over there. Look at that. Something's wrong. I actually, the reason I have not a mustang until this point in my life is because when i first moved to la and i was like all right i want to get the kind of car i want the only thing i could afford at that time was basically the kind of car that he bought and i test drove one and it was like just you know and i was like i know like i don't want something where people because then what happens

when you park it they think it's nice but you can never give anyone a ride yeah what is this roller skate oh man i can't something bad's gonna happen i just know it is like like do you really say in a row i can't wait something bad's gonna happen yeah happen? Yeah, yeah, because it's going to be drama. It's going to be drama. It's not that I wish for bad things to happen to him, just for the sake of bad things happening to him. It's been a minute since that's happened. Yeah, it's been 30 seconds at least. I want the drama that will come along when that car falls to fucking part, like it's going to.

Like it's going to. I bought a salvage title once. It's been a nightmare. It's the dumbest thing ever. But I had 15 grand to blow. So it didn't matter. I mean, you bought a boat too. I bought what?

Yeah, I bought a boat. So what? I was saying that was the dumbest purchase. That was the dumbest purchase. I'm about to buy a boat. But again, I had the money to blow. He doesn't. There's that phrase, if it floats, flies, or fucks, it's a bad investment.

You rent it. You rent it. If it fucks, flies, or floats, you rent it. God damn it. Remember that, children. Woody, you're buying a boat? Kind of. So look, I recognize that buying a boat is one of the worst financial decisions you can make. But there's this thing

that people do in paragliding where they get towed up over water and then they can do all kinds of dangerous shit at a slightly lower risk. And I'm going in 15 ways on a boat. So I can only be like $1,800 stupid. It's like a timeshare for a boat. Yeah. Well, so you really want like eight people or so

to do it together. Why don't all 15 of you go in on three boats and then you can rent out the other two. Now you're making money. The hardest part is finding other assholes that want to do this. I got a timeshare and a boat. It's the greatest idea I've ever had. I know, right?

I know. Every other year, they line up, and it's perfect. To trick you into renting in a timeshare, they usually offer you a boat. Like you just – They did. They know their demo. These are people that make bad decisions.

No, that's really the look at it. You want about – So you're renting. You're renting a boat. I guess. Yeah, not far from that. But I'm buying it. I'm just going to have one 15th ownership.

And the idea is you want seven or eight people to come. I figure if there's like 15 guys in this group, maybe half will go out on any given weekend, and it might be cool. Worst case scenario, like Kyle laid out, but instead of 15 grand, I can lose 1,500. Yeah, it's not a big deal. Who cares?

It's $1,500. So, yeah, but that's what I'm saying. You're kind of renting a boat in a way because if you wanted to get a boat for that, if you wanted to rent one, how much would cost 1500 yeah that's what i mean yeah yeah so hopefully it turns into a really fun thing yeah it's gonna be a fun thing the the question i would have is like where who keep who who holds on to it who stores it who docks it yeah we split it 15 ways right yeah what are the yeah what are the costs and what's the

maintenance who's going to clean it so by the lake there are these storage facilities and uh you know you know you move your house or something you rent one of those things well by the lake they have them and you people store their boats there so that'll be split 15 ways or whatever it is and um the maintenance and we're actually we're doing it right. We're getting like a lawyer involved and setting up an LLC and a nonprofit and limited liability. Wait, a nonprofit?

What kind of charity are you doing with this boat? I don't know. I'm not doing this. You're like, hey, it's a week. We're taking a retarded child out for a spin.

I'm 10% asshole because like whenever they're like, hey, who wants to be like a secretary? Only like 7.5%. And who wants to be like a secretary like 7.5 and who wants to be director i'm like no not me i haven't raised my hand for anything but criticizing other people's decisions that's it i don't really like the vote you chose that's this week for the first time i went to uh i i have a townhouse and so I went to a condo board meeting for the first time how was that I was the reason I went was because so they replaced the roofs on all of them and there was a leak on mine it totally fucked up my ceiling and like they had to rip out my entire kitchen ceiling

and replace it and it just is really annoying process. And it was because of negligence. And so then I was like, fuck it, I'm going to the meeting and I am, I will make my voice heard. And the, one of the big problems is that the management company of our building is just, they suck. And so I was like, I'm going to advocate for us to have a new management company. And I get there and the person running the meeting is from the management company. And I was like, this changes nothing. And so I just basically told her about each of her colleagues that I hate. But I had a lot of the other tenants

and residents and owners and whatever were with me. So it was good. But then they were like, do you want to run for board? I was like, absolutely not. So now I'm being evicted. Now you're doing the same thing as me. So now I'm going to live in a Mustang, as it turns out. Hey, would you like to take a position of authority and make things right?

No, no, no, no, no. I just want to criticize those who have done all those things. Exactly. I want to tell people why they're doing it wrong. Yeah. That's always easier. The other one little thing. I'm like more, I'm further away from the lake than other people are.

And I don't want to be that central. Like, yeah, every time something happens happens five hours each way fuck that yeah you don't want to give yourself a monthly errand like that i'm i'm with you i'm with you on that like and look you can contribute without being on the fucking board or whatever yeah yeah i'm not being like i'm trying to be. But I am trying to dodge some of those administrative responsibilities. Yeah, there's 14 other people in this boat ownership scheme you've come up with. Now, there are 15 elected

positions, which is weird. There's a... Treasurer, secretary, undersecretary... I'm vice-admiral! I want to be captain. The grand wizard of the neighborhood watch. Whatever the the fuck if i show up with a captain's hat and a sailor outfit will i get any authority that would be hilarious

what i thought we were all wearing this we look like gilligan when i was in uh when i was in college uh my first year so my uh my mother didn't sign the form in time to like get good housing so i got put in this like this bullshit uh communal brownstone was like the only available housing i didn't get to be in the freshman dorm my first semester and so it was like this communal housing and so everybody had like responsibilities so basically there were like a couple elected positions and then everyone else just had to clean every week and so and people who live there were like seniors and everything but everybody who lived there was fucking losers it was communal housing so i was like all right i'm gonna run for social chair because they don't do anything no one no one here parties so i ran for social

chair and the person i was running against gave this whole presentation about like the crafting night she wanted to have and like all this horrible stuff and i just stood up and i said i'm 18 i like to have fun so let's have fun i sat back down i won almost unanimously and then i did nothing the entire but it was you didn't host any crafting nights no i was like we're gonna have a TV night. And then I just said, go in the TV room and watch TV. And he wasn't even there. A TV and beer night. And then tomorrow

we're having a very special TV and beer night. Stay tuned for Friday where we have TV and beer night. We're going to mix it up on Saturday. It's a beer and TV night. Bring your own beer. Does anyone give a shit about the Super Bowl? I don't even know who's in it. give a shit about the Super Bowl? No.

I don't even know who's in it. The Patriots and the other team. Rams. LA, baby. Fuck the Rams. Why are we mad at the Rams? Because they left St. Louis. After you stole them from LA.

Yeah, then they got here. Oh, I know. All the St. Louis people. I never actually watched them at all. But I do know that ratings from here are still higher than they are in LA for watching the Rams. Oh, absolutely, because

people in LA are not sports fans. Anyone want to make any bets? I would happily do a bit of betting on this Super Bowl. I have no interest in it. Not going to watch it, but I will bet on it. I will bet that at the end of the half, neither team has a four-in-three score. Rams up or Patriots?

Patriots. Well, no, the Rams were favored in betting the other day. Because it just depends on who's betting on who. And they're fairly evenly matched. Three points is nothing. I think that the Rams quarterback is super inexperienced, right? And then it's Tom fucking Brady. What's the the quarterback name

it's something stupid it's like jared goff okay yeah i didn't if uh it's not that the problem that the rams have is their uh rushing defense is fairly non-existent and so that's gonna be the biggest challenge if they can stop the patriots two or three times like this is likely going to be a shootout like the only chance the rams have of winning is if it you know if its score is in like the 40s to 30s or whatever it's like it's got to be that high for them to have a shot so you're pulling for the rams my money's definitely pulling for the rams and it's not just because i live in la like i i liked the rams when they were in st louis um i don't like most la sports teams i'm a new yorker i'm a giants fan and that's the main reason i'm pulling for the rams

because as a giants fan we really don't like the patriots who's the giants big rival uh it depends on i mean the jets or the cowboys depending on if you're going intercity or inter or in the same division yeah i i just don't see how you can bet against tom brady ever this is like his ninth or the Cowboys, depending on if you're going intercity or in the same division. Yeah, I just don't see how you can bet against Tom Brady ever. This is like his ninth Super Bowl since 2001 or some shit like that. It's like every other year he's in the fucking Super Bowl.

This other guy's never been there before. I don't know how he... Tom Brady has lost three more Super Bowls than Jared Goff has. That's a good stat. He's won five more? Five, yeah. No one's ever won six.

So if he wins six, that'll be... Who else has won five? Yeah. I think, I'm pretty sure Montana won five, didn't he? That's a good guess. I could look it up. I don't know. I don't know.

I think Montana won five. And then there are probably players that have just been on the roster that i don't know i don't think montana won five and then there are probably players that have just been on the roster that we don't even think about that have won five yeah they're just moving around a lot and been lucky yeah there was uh in baseball don baylor i think was on three three or four world series teams in a row and they were all different he just happened to be traded he was fairly inconsequential but he just happened to be traded to them yeah i i saw that there was a lot of controversy with the halftime show a lot of black artists were refusing to do it or being told not to do it because of the colin kaepernick silliness this year so yeah just i haven't heard anything about the colin can we jump in because people might want

to know the answer uh tom brady's won five and he already has the record terry bradshaw and joe montana both won four is that quarterbacks or is that players total uh it's quarterbacks which is a good question i didn't look up so montana won four and terry bradshaw yeah they're both four no tom brady's five and three but i still so charles haley okay different 49er so charles haley had five linebacker with the niners and defensive end with the cowboys uh ties uh tom brady that's why it's five yeah i wonder if any other failure had five yeah i saw a lot of people said no to the halftime show i know rihanna said no i think lady gaga said no um and that's just the ones off the top of my head what's weird though is that like the players if you support if you support kabernick and you support the the players in the league then you have to support the league you can't

like to support the players you can't boycott the games that hurts the players yeah is somebody doing that that's what it means by the performers oh i see the performers are boycotting it but no people were also boycotting ratings on both sides it was really weird because people were like i'm not gonna watch the nfl because like there were like uh you know anti-kaepernick people who were like i'm not gonna watch the nfl because i don't support what kaepernick is doing and then there were pro-kaepernick people were like i'm not gonna watch the nfl because i don't support what the league is doing and it's like but then what how could you both disagree but agree on the same thing on the same i'm happy both ways i hate

i hate fucking football and the nfl and i hope it's abolished soon. I hate America's fetish with football, that it's somehow part of our culture. I think it's a stupid fucking game, and it gives people brain trauma, and they can't talk when they're 50 years old. I think it's fucking stupid. Yeah, but that's pretty funny. I was teasing Arian and being like, I don't know how much time I have left

with you, man. I'm worried about the NFL because I don't have live TV. Yeah, it's like flowers for Algernon. You know, I don't know how much time we have here. Yeah, I just don't care. I just don't even like it. I don't enjoy watching it. I don't find it entertaining.

And I suppose I'm in the minority um i did see when i thought it was funny are you okay with being a minority uh i'm okay with being a minority as long as my rights are protected i saw that the uh lgbtqk thank you he has his own letter i i saw that the um new orleans saints so they got fucked in the uhC championship game, essentially. There was a bad call that everyone agrees was a wrong and bad call that went the other way, and now the Rams are in it, right? And so the Saints season ticket holders sued the NFL. They said that this is bullshit.

We paid for this you by via a bad call we're being denied this product we're suing and it went before a federal judge just like today or yesterday and they ruled in the favor of the nfl i suppose but they were suing because they wanted the game to be replayed which they wanted them to roll it back. It's especially ridiculous because there was another call that went in favor of the Saints that could have also changed things. They let like four face masks go. And then on top of that, the game went to overtime. And they lost in overtime.

And their argument was that like, if that guy had caught it, then they would have scored. Then the other team would not have scored. And they'd surely have won. And I get it, a bad call went there but it was a 60 minute game and there were bad calls in both directions the senator from louisiana spoke about this on the floor of the senate he said he said football isn't just a game it is a part he said football is not just a game. It's part of America's culture. And what happened in the NFC Championship game was a disgrace. He's bringing up on the floor of the Senate.

The real disgrace was when the Eagles lost. I think they should replay that game. Oh, yeah. Both of them. Has that senator ever done anything worthwhile? I don't fucking know. He's a louisiana senator i would say not it's very possible that that is the most worthwhile thing he did yeah um i i look

i'm a big sports guy i think sports are very important for a lot of reasons you know one of the most important of which is teaching people how to lose and teaching people that like loss is a thing that happens in life. And the way you get over it is you pick yourself up and you play another game. And I think that's important for kids to learn. I think the discipline of it is great. I think, and also when you look at like race, class, and gender in American history, sports was always ahead of the curve. Jackie Robinson was 17 years before the civil rights act. So there are a lot of things in sports, I think that are very important.

But that all said, the people who take it that fucking seriously to sue the league, fuck off and get a hobby. Sports are ahead of the curve in eliminating racism because they've got that fast twitch muscle fiber and an extra tendon.

And you can't win without them. Because sports is always like, whatever you can do for this team, we don't care what you look like. I love that clip of Jimmy the Greek saying that shit, and his co-host is just like... Yeah.

His co-host looked like Mike Myers when Kanye West was like... He's just like... i would love to see them together now and mike myers be like turns out you don't either so oh oh that's good yeah george bush does not george bush does not care about black people and mike myers is like hates black people that's not in the script i think it's george bush doesn't say that there on the teleprompter it's so funny it's fucking dark I think that

the people who like they say that the Super Bowl is one of the biggest domestic violence days of the year which is just insane to me that Kyle's like I've been waiting for this this is my Christmas if you which by the way also a big domestic violence day

but um i was like i'm into this uh i just think if you take it that seriously like it's supposed to be fun they're entertainment they're diversion they're not supposed to like determine your life and that's i think the message here i think i think we're trying to say is the game's on so pipe down ladies or else i'm glad you took that from what i was saying that's yeah i mean i don't know how else i would read that in case you missed it apparently the super bowl biggest day of the year for domestic violence really yeah from the players or people? The woman and her husband go to couples counseling, and she says, man, my husband's beating me. He's awful.

What a terrible person. He's beating me. He says, try this, try this. Next time you think he's about to hit you, take a drink of water and swish it around in your mouth. They come back two weeks later, problem solved. No problems anymore. He's completely stopped hitting her.

And that's how she learned to shut the fuck up. Well, got a few more sponsors tonight. I'm sponsored by the Atlanta Women's Show. When you don't know how to shut your mouth, there's a place to hide. Do you have any idea any idea by the way before you get to the sponsors how many times like like someone will be like oh what are you up to today i'm like i'm doing this podcast pk and they're like what's that i'm like never mind yeah people like what do you do for a living i need to come up with a lie because if i say i do a podcast and suddenly want to see it, I'm like, no, no, you'll think differently. Like, what's it called?

The Adam Carolla Show? Yeah, that's me. Or they pull one up and you're just like, no, no, not that one. You know what you need to do? You need to get, like, a clip from one of the shows that's, like, okay. Like, I don't know if you could find 20 seconds in a row, maybe. The time I insulted my wife's chili. We're the Proud Boys.

Yeah. And then just show them that. I chili. We're the Proud Boys! Yeah. I don't know what the Proud Boys are all about. But I'm in favor. Based on nothing. I'm going to go with Pete. I know they're pretty fucking shitty, aren't they? Well, if you're carrying revolving debt, that means you're not paying off your card every month.

And you could be paying thousands in interest every year that you just don't have to. With LendingClub, you can consolidate your debt or pay off credit cards with one fixed monthly payment. Since 2007, LendingClub has helped millions of people regain control of their finances with affordable, fixed-rate personal loans. No trips to the bank, no high-interest credit cards. Just go to LendingClub.com, tell them about yourself and how much you want to borrow. Pick the terms that are right for you, and if you're approved, the loan is automatically deposited into your bank account in as little as a few days. LendingClub is the number one

peer-to-peer lending platform with over $35 billion in loans issued. Go to LendingClub.com slash PKA and check your rate in minutes, and you can borrow up to $40 dollars that's lendingclub.com pka lendingclub.com pka all loans made by web bank member fdic equal housing lender check them out use that wonderful service and you'll never think vaping is too expensive ever wish you didn't have to buy batteries coils a tank and a bottle just to get started vaping ever have your vapes battery die on you at 2 p.m and you don't have to buy batteries, coils, a tank, and a bottle just to get started vaping. Ever have your vape's battery die on you at 2 p.m. and you don't have access to a charger? eBay, the new vape system from the creators of Zamplebox, changes all of that. eBay's hardware blends simplicity and top-shelf quality.

eBay features a super-compact battery, high-capacity pods that are more than twice the capacity of those Juul pods, and it features ceramic coils so you won't ever get a burnt hit. It has two charging modes, USB and eBay PCC charging, so you don't have to worry about a dead vape at the end of the day. eBay features a perfectly curated lineup of five delicious flavors, so you're sure to find one that's perfect for you. For a limited time, get the eBay kit for free on your first order when you buy the abay starter bundle just use the code pka at checkout and uh whenever you visit abay.com

that's abay.com taylor and i both ordered abays this week uh and uh mine didn't show up today and i think i think taylor hasn't checked his mail yet but with my fucking move i've lost so much stuff in the mail that like probably got sent back so i might need to get that fixed because i want my abay yeah absolutely i i like that the i so i like nothing but fantastic things yeah i like the pods are bigger i like the i like the flavors they have and jewel is definitely on the way out anyway like like if you if you try to buy jewel in a store now, there's only tobacco and mint, and I'm not into that. My state has taxed Juul Pods specifically

really harshly to the point where they're just too expensive. eBay is the future, and the present. eBay is the future. Looking forward to getting my eBay kit probably tomorrow. I'm going to have one of those from now on for sure. Yep.

Should be very cool. You should get yourself one. To the people out there I'm talking. Everyone should have one. Man, woman, child. Children. You got a fussy toddler? You got a little tight.

You probably shouldn't say this. They might not like it. I dip my finger in hard liquor and I rub it on other people's kids' gums in public to settle them down. A little rum? What are you doing, sir? I'm doing your parenting. It makes them less competitive. It's capitalism.

Why do you have a bottle of Jim Beam? In public, they ask. Just for situations like this. Smooth the day over. For children. You don't move the children. I have children. It's to help settle children. I just posted an article that I was laughing at that I saw before the show. It's Bill Cosby is senile and he believes he is Dr.

Huxtable and he is diagnosing inmates in jail as Dr. Cliff Hustable. There's no way the human mind can handle... he thought he got away with everything. He was beloved. He was going to die a hero and then he lived long enough to see himself become the villain. Now, Big Tony, come into my cell you've been walking around recently i'm taking your pants off i promise don't i am not in demand you know it takes i was not expecting an impression coming out of taylor just then that was

oh you i can see what's going on you've got the clap and i would know i'm the reason it got so big in the 80s you you know what I'm saying. Because he was a serial rapist. He is accepting appointments to diagnose anything from a cold to obesity. Now the problem here is that your asshole has been blown out by the

Aryans and it's just not, there's nothing I can do in my cell here with my toilet wine and my spork to help put you back together. Theo! Get in here and help me with this. My God, I've had my fair share of

blown out holes, but my God, I've never seen this kind of thing. You're telling me you're dropping the soap and you go boobly-bobly-boo and you drop the soap and now you got a ruined asshole? I don't believe you. This is the best. Remember

they tried to reboot the Cosby show a couple years after. This is what we need. This is the Cosby show where he does all this and he just No. Not Taylor on it. No, Taylor. I just mean the drunk rapist cosby and then it cuts to

claire and she gives a sassy look to the camera and then that's that's the episode dude he's taking his bed sheet and fashioning it into some sort of medical garb so he can get into character this is fantastic lay down on my cot. I got to get my equipment on. He's just tying a fucking cape on. Good. The amazing thing about this, whenever anybody, like, tries to come at me with, like, the, oh, you're just a clown.

What you do isn't important. Like, that kind of thing about stand-up. Like, stand-up comedy is what took Cosby down. Like, Hannibal Buress' bit. Yeah. Going viral is what caught Cosby down. Like Hannibal Buress' bit going viral is what caught a serial rapist who everybody thought was America's

beloved dad. Yeah, it was like 2013 when I first saw it. I remember like 2013, 2014, something like that. I remember listening to Comedy Central Radio and hearing Hannibal Buress' bit and being like, for real? Yeah. Let me just get to the bottom of it oh shit yeah

until i looked it up i was like a hundred percent like my mind was made up where i'm like there's no bill cosby are you shitting me get out of here well that's why he got away with it for decades because because it would go to a judge and a judge would be like really come no i gotta look this up the prison staff is telling the other prisoners to just go along with it and bill cosby fucked up in the head is trying to get a job in the infirmary yeah oh my god i'll give it to him i mean i can see no what could go wrong if he's got access to medication but But also, and I know that radar is not exactly journalism, but the idea of

a human being wrote this. Convicted sex fiend Bill Cosby has gone bonkers behind bars. Those are the words they chose. That's fucking funny. Sounds like a British tabloid, right? He's gone bonkers in jail. Absolutely.

We pay you for juicy info. Do you have a story for Radar Online? Email us. I didn't know it was a British tabloid. I was guessing. It was written that way. Is it? There was a story about Prince Harry right on the side. Fuck yeah, nailed it. Just from context.

It might be. I always thought it was just like a gossip blog type thing. The front page is about a Kardashian, though. He's trying to get more nutritious food for the inmates because he's

concerned about their nutrition. Bullshit he is. Fuck that blind old rapey fuck. I don't care what happens to him. They should have just killed him. But then we would get a funny story about we going insane in the middle of the prison.

You're right. You're right. I hope he lives for another three years. I love that he... I don't want him getting off that easy. You know what I want? I want a podcast with OJ Simpson

and Bill Cosby as the co-hosts. Both voiced by me. I called Weebles where we can do it. Just Taylor on both sides. It would just be them every week talking about the full question. Hey, this is the Bill Cosby and Alex Jones show, and here I am with my good buddy Alex.

He's going to explain that I only raped no more than three of those women. Well, I would actually argue it was no more than two. You know, your penis is so small, you didn't gauge the small penis defense that you barely got into that older fat woman She was overweight, correct? Well, she was as fat as the day is long Get too much spit in my throat. I'm gonna stop I didn't want it look sometimes I interrupt you guys I have a thought and I try to say it as quickly as I can and I was like

I want to let this go forever dude doing impressions is so much fun i feel like so autistic all the time and sometimes like i'll drive home from like whatever i'm doing and i'll like put on a podcast or like something and then i'll just stop it and just do voices to myself the whole way home like an insane person have you ever had craig gas on the show no i don't believe so no do you know who that is no so craig gas is a comic who can do insanely good impressions like he used to yeah craig gas he used to uh let me know i'll hook it up his impressions are nuts he used to do local radio as a famous person telling people to go to his show that's hilarious like he would call

a local radio station and be like this is tracy morgan and he does an amazing tracy morgan and then is like i'm in town because i'm gonna go see craig gas at the improv and he yeah he has like it's sick the impressions he can do um yeah you gotta hook us up i love that shit yeah we had steve love we had steve love on um and he's like a youtuber who does uh lots of impressions i want to say he was on the tonight show or maybe jimmy jimmy kimmel uh later on like doing his impressions and i think what really got him famous is his ability to do the game of thrones characters like all of them oh i've seen that clip that was amazing yeah he's really good i felt like we didn't take advantage of him when we had him on.

We talked about his life and what he does instead of just having him do impressions the whole fucking time. I want to have a guy who does impressions on and not ask anything about him. Be like, no, no, shut up. Do this one. Yeah, that's what we should have done. Because his life isn't that interesting.

That's not what he's famous for. He's famous because he sounds like other people. So if you want to talk about your life, fine. But do it as Jon Snow. I had a rough time coming up. There you go. Exactly. Exactly.

There's this dude. Because Hollywood is filled with people who just assume they're good at something that they can't do. And this guy came up to us. We were at a comedy club and he like came up to us and like started telling us how good his impressions were. And we're like, all right, this is completely unsolicited. Like just have a conversation like an adult, like stand up comics. Don't go over to someone who's be like, check out this bit. Like you just talk to people.

And so, or good ones anyway. And so, uh, then he starts like doing an impression, but it's horrible. And it's like a really basic one. I think it was a Christopher Walken.

And then he goes into an Arnold Schwarzenegger, which are like the impressions that any amateur impressionist does. And he's bad at them. And then he goes, he takes out this folded piece of paper. You know, one of these pieces of paper that has clearly been folded a thousand times. Like it was,

it was probably like ripped out of the Bible and it's just been folded since it's just been in his pocket forever and stained and tattered. And he, he unfolds it carefully. So it doesn't rip rip and then he's like point to anyone on this page and it's just like a typed list of celebrities and i just called a friend of mine over and i was like hey this guy does amazing impressions point to anyone on this page and then i just walked away i have no idea how it finished it'd be funnier if it was just a page of

Schwarzenegger and Walken. It was like, Christopher Walken, Chris Walken, Chrissy Walken. Mr. Walken. This is Schwarzenegger, but from Commando. And this is Schwarzenegger in Terminator 2. Very different. Very different.

Have you ever seen Kevin Spacey's? That's the piece to Resistance. Kevin Spacey's impressions were fucking incredible what do you mean like the actual actor you're talking about his actor kevin spacey doing impression oh yeah like when he did an impression of like a decent human being for all those years oh how dare you how dare you that is america's finest actor right there he's american right that's one of the That's one of the few that, like, all these people that went down for Me Too,

like, that was one of the few that I was like, but I liked him. Yeah. I liked Bill Cosby. I watched that show all the time growing up. Look, I liked his show. I never found his stand-up funny. I honestly never really watched it more than a few minutes i found it to be so generic and

predictable and like not only that but his albums are very heavily edited like they're just huge applause at the end of every track even if it's not the end of a joke you know what i mean like it's a weird not all of them but on a couple um and i just never really enjoyed his stand-up my dad used to play he was like among the comics my dad would play as a kid. My dad had a bunch of comedy albums. I'm like, Dick Gregory I loved and George Carlin I loved and I just did not enjoy Cosby. Just never really did.

And like the other people, like Matt Lauer, that wasn't a thing that I was like, oh no. Oh dear, my good buddy Matt Lauer who I think is so funny. Or, what's his name the there was one of the chefs was a mario batali oh i think i bought his pasta before yeah i had bought his pasta sauce it's a little acidic for my taste did you get the vodka sauce i like i did i don't like it no i don't like it but No, I don't like it. But yeah, he did some raping, apparently.

Yeah, there was a lot of that where each one happened, and I was like, that doesn't really change whose entertainment I enjoy. And then, oh, Louis, obviously. I liked Louis' comedy. That was a tough one. I don't like lumping him in with those others. He just jerked off, and he always asked permission. Well, the thing that Louis did that was the really bad part,

I mean, even aside from that, was lie about it for five years and fuck these women's careers up. How did he ruin their careers? He basically... I've never heard this. Oh, yeah, for five years. These allegations have been floating around for five years. This is one of these things where everybody in comedy was sitting there and I've had this conversation.

So you had heard this before it was big. I've had this conversation with so many comics where basically all of us were like the second an actual story comes out, we will get behind it. But we can't until it's more than just rumor. Because there was always rumor, oh, there was this comedy festival and he did this thing. But no one ever knew who it was with. No one ever knew. No one ever actually accused him of anything. So you can't get behind it.

But there were all these rumors that it happened. And the reason for that is because, like, the word had gotten out among the comedy community. And he, there are interviews where he was just like anyone who says this is a fraud and you know how dare they and this is just because i talk dirty in my stand-up and people trying to pin this on me and like just really awful shit because he did do it and he knew he did it and his argument of like oh i didn't know it was wrong because i had permission well then why do you spend five years fucking with people over it so and you think it's the woman's career uh yeah because they weren't taken seriously because they would bring this up to people and

then people would be like you're just lying to get fame and they weren't funny you know and and that dual threat really just tanks your rebecca cory is funny i'm just i don't know who the individuals are i'm kidding you're gonna make that name up i have no idea i like silver silverman's take on it. You're telling me Stacy the Hammer Stevenson isn't funny. Yeah. Wow. Okay, Kyle.

Okay, Kyle. Sarah Silverman said this. She's like, he jerked off in front of me, but I was fine with it. Yeah. She's like, yeah, I wasn't really a victim. I thought it was funny. It was cool. Okay.

It is. Yeah, well, everybody has a different threshold. See, that ties into my theory that women with more body hair than normal just are more sexual than the other women. Does she have more body hair than normal? She does. How do you know? Because there was a thing about it with her and Jimmy Kimmel. And Jimmy Kimmel had my same theory that women with, like, higher T are just more sexually down.

And he always told her like, Hey, I like that about you because it means that you like sex. And then Jimmy Kimmel jerks off in front of her and she likes it. Science. You mean Lucy K. I did mean that. Little known fact.

Jimmy Kimmel. Jimmy Kimmel too, probably. But yeah, Lucy K was the point. Is that a hashtag? Jimmy Kimmel 2 probably but Louis CK was the point is that a hashtag Jimmy Kimmel 2 yeah

you roboted there for a sec sorry I didn't hear you he said is that a hashtag Jimmy Kimmel 2 oh okay I just thought the joke bombed I'm really glad it was a technical you know I'm going to hang up and call right back immediately just because sometimes that makes Discord work better. Okay.

Kyle nodding sage. Are we okay? Except I don't have... There we are. We'll see how it goes we're all back yeah um anyway point is that uh i was i was upset when uh i heard about how much of a how much of a horse the tone deaf nature of of like his post things when when he like made that weird fucking sketch as frank underwood ah the kevin spacey

thing did you see that we watched it together on the show and uh yeah i think kyle loved it i love it it's hilarious i loved making fun of it hilarious hilarious he's in character he said some things that resonated with me. He was like, admit it. You want me back, right? And I'm like, ah, you got me there. You know, like I kind of, I know, I know. I know you try to fuck little boys, but.

Not little. They were medium sized. They were entering puberty. I don't want him. They were similar to Woody's dick. They were medium. Every one of those young men could have taken a dick

so that we could all enjoy the final season of House of Cards. That's all I'm saying. I want him back, but I don't want him to come back. I just wish it hadn't happened, you know? Yeah, I want him back. I i mean i'm still gonna watch the

usual suspects and love it because that was oh damn it he's been doing this a long time okay still it's such a good movie usual i'm not gonna stop watching man if you zoom in on the bulletin board it says i fuck children it just it goes by quickly. On the bottom of that coffee cup. Yamatachi or whatever it goes to. Kobayashi. Is it Kobayashi or is that the hot dog guy? No, no, Kobayashi. You're right, I think. So we've got Louis C.K.,

Kevin Spacey, Matt Lauer. Any other ones who got like super trouble? Oh, that guy who I think he directed an Avengers movie or he directed one of the superhero movies. No an Avengers movie. Oh, Josh Groden? No, Bryan Singer. Yeah, Bryan Singer. Less Moonves.

I'm looking for guys that are more ostracized. Is that a person or the name of a drive-in theater channel? Harvey Weinstein. Harvey Weinstein. All right, Harvey Weinstein, Matt Lauer, Louis C.K., and Kevin Spacey. Which one do you think comes back first? Spacey. Publicly accepted and loved again.

Louis C.K. is already on the way. No, no, no. Louis C.K. is trying to come back, and he's getting his neck stepped on. He's fine. Yeah, but also, so I truly believe that if Louis C.K. had waited a year, I mean, he waited six months. Mm-hmm. Like, it takes to develop a special. Like, if he had waited longer, and also, the way he came back, he came back with, like, all his stuff was just about being a victim.

Like, his stuff, when he was like, what do you like his joke about? Oh, you're going to take away my birthday too. It's like, no one took anything away from you, man. Like you did this. Like that's the reason his neck is getting stepped on. Yeah. The parts of his routine I heard about were about the Parkland students and something else.

I don't even remember. That was a good one. Yeah. There were, there were a couple different things but a lot of it but the reason it was framed in a set of like i can't believe i had to go through this was it not like was it a funny set i honestly I, I think the Parkland joke was a little lazy, but also I don't fault him for that because a lot of new jokes are lazy because they're the first thing you think about it and you talk it out on stage and that happens. What I do fault him for is the perspective of being like, I've been victimized, which is kind of a,

even if you believe that be smart enough not to come out and be like oh this me too stuff is so hard for me i should have watched that clip by now i need to watch it how is it only one like stand-up special and not special like what i saw released was about two and a half to four minutes of set that's it yeah there's a couple things that have been leaked and by the way whoever leaked it total asshole like I'm not in favor of leaking someone's set well yeah I think he was trying to hurt Louis CK absolutely uh the joke I put on Twitter was that uh I think it's amazing that someone recorded him without his consent and is now using it to hurt his career.

Seems to be... I mean, that's a pretty funny bit. I see. That's what he did. It's a thing that he did with the women and the penis. I have very smart tweets, too. The storm front in Canada last night looked like tits.

So I took a screenshot of it Was that true? I saw that thing getting passed around Oh yeah, that was great Was that an actual meteorological thing Or did someone add a second one to make it boobs I didn't even spend the time to look It was a funny image Woody, there are some things that don't need research

I fact check everything Including weather Politics, finance Survival no research needed just go with your gut all the time someone showed a very similar image the one you're talking about with the weather boobs and it had canada and the temperatures were all like negative 40s a giant border wall and then like 60s and 70s in America. That's the wall I get behind. Keep the weather to yourself.

Yeah, that's like the problem is though. Well, actually the benefit is it stops the White Walkers also. That's true. We're dealing with the Brown Walkers first. I was actually referencing Governor Scott Walker of Wisconsin.

Of course. A very smart reference. Kyle was as well. Yeah, clearly. He calls him the Brown Walker of Wisconsin. Yeah, we've got these Brown Walkers coming. I'm worried about the Walker Texas Ranger. I saw that a lot of the ICE detainees were going on hunger strike. It's been like a month or something.

You know what they did? They fed them with tubes today. They do that in prison. Like people that are on death row. Do you know that? Like people on death row, if they're like, I'm going to starve myself to death so you don't get to execute me they'll do that they'll like force feed someone who they're gonna kill so that they don't die meanwhile meanwhile uh someone else in ice was like hey i'm really hungry they're like

no we're not giving you any food fuck you like you're not getting that food until jose eats up you see the story uh it happened to a, there was a comedian who was on like a Greyhound bus and like border agents boarded the bus and demanded to see his papers and he showed them and they were like, these aren't real. And they detained him for a while.

He had fake papers? No, he had real papers. That's what you took from this? Well, I imagine them going up and going, ah, where are your papers, sir? I noticed a bit of a new silhouette yes and then they didn't they didn't give the proper paperwork you know obviously the government couldn't be at fault yeah it was uh yeah it was pretty pretty fucked

up story i'm fine well was was he a a hispanic gentleman uh I believe he's Middle Eastern. It'd be hilarious if his name was Sven Jordansson or something. He's like, I swear to God, I'm not coming from Colombia. I'm from Sweden, you know? My name is Sven. Sweden? Yeah. Did you notice that my eyes are blue and I'm six foot nine? Did you notice that my eyes are blue and I'm six foot nine?

I'm either the tallest man in South America or you're mistaken. When I went to Norway for the first time, like I got off the plane and I'm just looking around the airport. I'm like, oh, my God, every woman here looks like Giselle. This is amazing. And then I looked around. I was like, oh, and every guy looks like Thor. Never mind. Yeah, I've had that same thing. It's like, oh my god, all the girls are so hot here. Imagine if I was from here.

Oh no, that wouldn't work for you. I'd just be fucked. Oh no, it actually did because I was exotic. They're like, ugh, I'm so tired of hot men. Thank god for this guy. Look what you did to Red Headed Jewheaded jew that is pretty exotic my father will hate me that's so funny like people like like people will be like oh everybody's the same no matter where you're from but like everybody's like but also well those fuckers and those like three countries up there are definitely the prettiest. Like the men from there,

beautiful looking. Tall, fit, Nordic. The women from there, I've never been, so I'm imagining, based on pornography, very attractive. By the way, the comic was, he's a guy who, he was like a Conan O'Brien choice

of comic to watch. And his name is Mohamed El-Sheikhi. Yeah, I remember Conan was like, keep your eyes on this guy. Watch him. Watch him close. Yeah, he's like, this is a comic to watch. And I just was like, on it. He's like, that's not what I meant.

They're like, we understand. No worries, Conan. We're on it. And then he tweeted about the whole thing like step by step and one of the things that seems like such a like the most dickish move was that uh it was like really cold outside as it has been and they like forced him to keep his hands out of his pockets they're like no funny business keep your hands out of your pockets like i don't i don't have gloves like it is very cold i'm wearing only a long white sheet wait why is he wearing a long white sheet with an american flag

i guess no no because he's in the middle eastern yeah how like the saudis wear those like cool first of all it is bullshit that in the West we have to wear uncomfortable ties, uncomfortable suit jackets and suit pants, and then Saudis, when they show up, they look comfortable as fuck. They're wearing what looks like sleepwear. They got a nice, loose-fitting, soft, soft hat on. And say what you will about them not allowing women to drive and beating them savagely, but they've got one thing right, and that's

wear. That is apparel. They know comfort. They know breeziness. I'm in favor of it. What do you think they wear for underwear? That's what they... You just go home. It's all purpose use. No, no, for underwear. Do they have breeziness?

No, no, no, no, that's against the Quran. I really doubt that. Are they just free-balling it under that gown? They probably wear athletic compression boxer briefs so that their dick's not showing

when you're walking into the wind or something. Okay. Yeah. There's a lot of, uh, there's a lot of wind. It's a big, it's a big problem.

Is there a lot of wind? I have no idea. Yeah. The wind in Saudi Arabia. Well, the wind blowback from all the bombs hit landing in Yemen, you know, like that.

Yeah. That's going to be something. Oh, those poor Yemenis. They don't get any, like, sympathy in the media at all. It's created,

created by, uh uh women not driving so that's that's true they were it was funny when they let women boxers and a white t-shirt and cotton pants well fuck that's not as good as i thought that's what i was funny when they let women drive but they're like but you still need a man to escort you and it's like these geniuses over in saudi arabia just figured out a way for every man to have a personal chauffeur. Yeah. So they basically, like, gave them a learner's permit. Like, you know how, like, when you get a learner's permit,

you have a licensed driver in the car? Yeah. Pretty much. Yeah. I like that. I like that law. I don't know. I feel...

There's a fucked up situation. There's a comic who disappeared. In Saudi Arabia? Saudi Arabian comic who he and his wife were both kind of rabble rousing by speaking. He was in Jordan and they

cornered him. No one's heard from him since the saudis who would have guessed that yeah he was he was a good dude i worked with him at the laugh factory that was actually his first i think it was his first u.s show uh i was on it with him and i talked to him for a while about comedy around the world and etc he was he seemed like a really good dude kept in touch with him on twitter the original kohai or whatever that dude's name is in saudi prison for real he literally is likely in saudi prison or has been killed and there's nothing anyone can do about it yeah that's so fucked up it's so fucked up and he's a saudi

citizen so like he's from there so i i don't even know if citizen is the right word uh but he's from there and so it's not it's not like that yeah it's not like they came over and they like arrested an american comic for talking shit about saudi arabia because then the u.s government get involved but because it's like considered between that like there's nothing that anyone's doing about it what would be the best middle eastern country to live in you can't include israel because i think that would be most of our obvious answer um let me know like like oman is apparently really nice i think about a ton of oil money united bear remembrance is always flexing on how great yeah probably dubai you know you live

in dubai in the uae oh that's true but you have to be like a multi-millionaire to live in dubai right uh how they just make you one if you live there maybe like venice still going i think probably jordan i i would say jordan is the one where i won't be kidnapped just for being jewish so i'll go with that yeah your your options are limited yeah yeah that's a one where literally like having an israel stamp on my passport might prevent me from entering most of the others so yeah yeah they pick on you people when you've done absolutely nothing to antagonize them i don't get it look they haven't tried our pass over chocolate that's the problem one good latke one good latke and everybody's on the same team convert everybody

they ever done anything i feel like kyle's being a little name one thing uh i feel like there's no way I'm going to win this argument. They just credit for intel. Especially because Kyle doesn't even care. I don't care what your answer is. It doesn't matter what you say at this point. I would want to go visit Israel at some point. I think that'd be kind of cool.

I agree. I feel like it's going to visit the Middle East but i would still feel very safe yeah it was you know you obviously have to know where to go and you know go to the right places but like uh walking around the old city was crazy um what's old and uh old city jerusalem is basically the part of jerusalem that people are fighting over that's the main part it's where the it's the original part of Jerusalem. And so there's different quarters of it. It's like the French Quarter in Louisiana, except with way less boobs.

But people are packed on top of each other because everybody wants to be as close to the center as possible. So they don't give a fuck if they're living in a studio apartment with seven people because they just want to be in that area they want because it's a cool like hip area or is it more like religious jews there who are like we got to be we got to be close it's not just jews though it's religious jews religious arabs it's it religious born-again christians it's you know everybody believes that same spot is holy pretty much every Jewish person I'm friends with here are reformed Jews so they

don't really like they'll do the traditions and everything to keep it alive but they're like not buying into it wait this is not the Mecca of as I said Mecca are most Jews in Israel like Orthodox? No, actually Judaism is way more secular in Israel than it is in America. Really? Woody, did your parents go? Oh, many times. I don't even know how many times. Did they like it?

I guess they did. They went back. It seems so, yeah. They love it. They like to submit themselves to voluntary brainwashing. What do they do over there? Just go look at sites? They kiss that wall? Holy tours where this is where Moses went, this is where that went.

Oh, my God. There's nothing wrong with that. I would love to walk the path to Mordor in New Zealand. And you see, here's where Sam and Frodo stopped just before they descended the cliff. You remember that, right, kids? Yeah, Shiloh was at the top. I have a story about that. So I went on a tour of Masada, which is a military site.

It is not in the Bible. It has nothing to do with the Bible. It has never been in the Bible. So Masada is a military site. And I went on a tour of it. And there was this couple on the tour that were born again Christians from Chattanooga, Tennessee. And they kept asking about Jesus and live out like, Oh, did Jesus do this here? Did Jesus do that there? And our tour guide

was real chill. And finally, he just stopped them. And he goes, there is no one anywhere who believes any story that has to do with Jesus being on this tour. So I don't know why you're asking these questions. I think you may have gone on the wrong tour. So finally they shut up. And by the way, it doesn't really change the story, but just so you paint the full picture,

she was a little person. Oh no. Little woman. I'm just trying to figure out why the Lord hated me. What have I done? At least here I'm closer to average height. And she's closer to the historic site. So there's a gift shop

at Masada. Because there's a gift shop at every, you know, tourist site. And one of the things in the gift shop is a giant cowboy hat with a pink sash around it that says Jerusalem. And I was married at the time, I was with my ex, and

I turned to her and I go, who the fuck is that for and as i'm saying that the the little woman comes in uh i and picks it up and goes this is perfect and i was like that's impressive and my my ex turns to me and goes you gotta hand it to the Jews. They know their audience. Jesus Christ. That's...

Yeah, okay. That's so fucking funny. They're selling cowboy hats to Christians. I've asked a lot of people this. How many little people, if there aren't any midgets who watch this show, fuck them. How many midgets who watch this show fuck them how many midgets have you actually seen in real life because i've only ever seen one i'm friends with two

there are two comics jesus well he's in hollywood that's brad williams and nick novicki is it like hollywood a major profession for little people oh absolutely yeah i mean like back in the vaudeville days i would imagine where they're like all right i ordered seven midgets that we need to do this that and the other i looked at it recently a lot of them get work in front of the camera just blow it brad's hilarious brad is a fantastic comic uh i mean nick's really funny too but uh so nick is doing more of like the acting stuff. He was in Boardwalk Empire. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But Brad is so fucking funny. He's pound for pound one of the funniest men on the planet. He is together. Poor Steve. That's his friend. And yet he laughs. That's how I know it's funny. No, but Brad has a great sense of humor about it.

So like he, in fact, so Laugh Factory every year on Thanksgiving and Christmas becomes a soup kitchen and like all the comics volunteer and we all kind of man different stations. And so like, you know, one of us will be on Turkey. One of us, that's like the prestige station. So like whatever the most famous comic is, is on Turkey.

And then like some, you know know on gravy and potatoes whatever and uh brad always does rolls and the reason why is because the rolls are next to the bench and he can stand up on the bench so he can get to the rolls and like he's he's cool with it he's always like everybody get out of my way i'm doing rolls so dude if you're a dwarf you, you gotta embrace it and roll with the punches. Like, I imagine otherwise you'd just be so pissed off all the time. Is that not true about every issue? Like, if you're fat, do you have to embrace it and roll with the punches? No, because if you're fat,

you can lose the weight. But no matter what the dwarf does, they can't get taller. Put you in one of those medieval stretching machines? That doesn't work. Kyle has a sexy version of that. You stretching machines doesn't work that's a version of that you probably do kyle there's a like have you seen those leg lengthening surgeries that people get to get taller where they literally will go in shatter your legs and like but they do it more precisely they cut a slot they cut the bone in half. In St. Louis, everything is done with hammers.

Everything's done with hammers in St. Louis. It's a self-sustaining hammer economy. They smash it, and then they spread the legs out a little bit and use bolts and metal, and then it grows back together, and so you get a little taller from it.

How much taller? then it like grows back together and so you get a little taller from it but it's taller a very minuscule amount every time they do it they cut it they slice the leg bone in half and then they i'm just saying i'm six four am i like three of these surgeries away from the nba no no you're like 30 of these surgeries away oh so it's that little? Right. Wow. I'm going to look up leg lengthening before and after. What? How many Jewish people are currently in the NBA? Both of them. Owners? Both of them.

I like what you did. Limblengthening.com I cannot believe you used plural. I'm going to Google it. Here, I'm going to link. Limblengthening.com slash before and after photos. There you go.

Let's see how impressive these are. I can't even tell which one is supposed to be taller because there's no point of reference. Oh, this guy. Oh, this lady was having her boat out fucked up legs fixed. Looks like it worked. Let me see.

Oh! Okay, a couple of people really genuinely need this surgery. Because they've got, like, like a gimp, like, fucked-up leg, and it looks like they can fix that, too. Oh, he's got a gimpy leg. He sure does. I don't see what you see.

Oh. And then the fourth Oh, he's got a gimpy leg. He sure does. I don't see what you see. Oh. Roll down to, like, the third. And then the fourth one, there's the black guy who has a really fucked up twisted leg in the far left. And on the far right, it actually looks pretty normal. Good for him. Oh, look at the chick. The one girl down there, she's pretty. But she had one leg that was, like, two planks shorter than the other.

Yeah, the one guy where they're not showing his face, I don't think that's because he has weird legs. I think it's because he's wearing that shirt. That pretty girl with the short leg is what every chiropractor tries to convince you you're like. Just saying. Which one? Which photo? Oh, the girl.

She's got a blue shirt on in the before and after. Oh, Camden Track and Field? Yeah, that's her? Oh, the girl. She's got a blue shirt on in the before and after. Oh, Camden Track and Field? Yeah, that's her. Oh, my God. Did she really suddenly become... Her first thing is soccer. She's wearing a soccer track and field. Like, suddenly, was she playing soccer and then track?

She just did it to cut, like like two tenths off her hundred yeah scroll down and you can see the guy with the fucked up arm yeah I saw him Wow that dude that's that's so fucking sad imagine why did god curse me none of these seem like vanity these all seem like right this seems this is not what i i was picturing this to be much funnier if i'm laughing at these people we can and we will all right there let's see a lot of them seem to have a fucked up lymph node thing. Have you seen some of the legs that are really fat and full of fluid? Yeah, that's gross. I want to drain them. But they're not morbidly obese.

It looks like their leg weighs way too much. I'm glad my limbs are the same length as far as I know. Do your feet ever get swollen from sitting at your desk? No. Sometimes my feet get swollen if i sit at my desk for too long well i also don't play rust for 17 hours in a row yeah like it only happens if i sit for like 12 to 15 hours continuously yeah that's uh most of us get up to pee so that's it's probably the big difference he pees in his vodka cup that's, uh, most of us get up to pee. So, that's probably the big difference.

He pees in his vodka cup? That's classy? Is that your vodka cup? This is actually, no, this is just tea. Is that what the song Red Solo Cup is about? No, this is just tea. This is just, like, literally unsweet tea. But, um, I've talked about it before, but the way I drink is I do it.

I'm not sipping a beverage. I drink. I pour the amount of vodka that I want inside of me, and I drink all of that down, and now it's inside of me, and the drinking's over. It's like taking a pill. Yeah, exactly like taking a pill. I'm medicating.

Are you still on Tito's? Oh, yeah. Or have you bounced around trying something else? No, 100% Tito's. I've got a fresh handle in the freezer right now. Tito's is vodka? Yeah.

Pretty cheap and pretty good. Really get Tito's as a sponsor because Kyle is perfect for it. Really cheap, really good. But it's not good, right? We hate the taste. No, it is good. If you get it really, really really cold you really don't taste anything yeah

I hear you and I believe you but it's the worst endorsement ever if I told you that the best Jewish food just get it so cold take it really quick and you won't taste it you wouldn't be like you know what I'm sold Jews do have good food but you don't want to

describe it accurately I'm just saying your standards Jews do have good food. But you don't want to taste it. Did I not describe it accurately? I want a potato lot for now. I'm just saying your standards are very low for alcohol. When you say something tastes good, it means you got it over with quickly. But that's the thing. Alcohol, by definition, doesn't taste that great. Ethanol kind of sucks to taste.

And so if you're making a mixed drink, you want the vodka to taste like nothing. So you can taste whatever other stuff is in there. Is it literally ethanol that yeah, it's it's ethanol right? I don't know I I don't think Tito's is gonna endorse Kyle because I don't think they want to be like hey When you need a vodka to sit on your ass for 17 hours and and not leave your home Add it your delivery driver In a in the frigid tundra.

One star! Drink Tito's. For your one star lifestyle. Yeah, it's definitely the premier vodka in my opinion. I've tried some more expensive vodkas. Totally not worth the money. What if Kyle was the before

in the Tito's ad? And then Kyle, a year from now, is the after. It's good stuff. I highly recommend Tito's. You're chasing him with sweet tea or just iced tea? I usually chase it with apple juice, but I'm out of apple juice, so yeah, I was just chasing it with... It's unsweet tea, but I put

sweetener in it. You're out of apple juice? So it's sweet tea. I'm out of apple juice. That Jaquan motherfucker! How dare he? That fucking prick! You know what's underrated? Or maybe it's not. I just... I only buy it like twice a year, and every time I do, I wonder why I don't more. It's cranberry juice.

Cranberry juice is great. It's got like like that astringent a little tart but not sour taste and it helps your yeast infections too yeah i firsthand yeah it's fantastic it makes my pussy feel like a spring day you know a fresh clean speaking of commercials oh yeah we probably have some ads to read, don't we? No. Did we do SmartMouth? No. Okay. We probably have some ads to read, do you think?

I didn't see SmartMouth. Oh, it's on my background. Okay. Taylor, do you have it now? We'll find it. I think it's every other week, so if we did it last week, we don't do it this week. Did we do it last week? I'll find it. He'll find it.

He'll find it. Okay. On the ball, Kyle. Proud of you. Did we do Lending Club? Yep. Yes, we did do Lending Club. Rooster Teeth.

That's not a sponsor this week. Can I make up a sponsor? Well, then the graphic is not matching what you're seeing. Squarespace, Postmates, Lending Club, and eBay. Okay. That's not what I see. I have Rooster Teeth. Oh, well, hang on a goddamn minute.

See, there's more stuff here. Oh, my goodness. More things. More things. More things. Taylor, can you see if a hammer company can sponsor the show? I feel like you... I've been working with DeWalt trying to get them on board.

Ball peen hammer. That's what pierces skull the most effectively. Just shatters it into oblivion. This has... This library brought to you by dewalt hammers dewalt hammers the official hammer of of pka oh and the wnba do you know that there's like uh there's this issue that brands are having uh wannabe influencers on instagram are pretending they're sponsored by brands and like doing fake ads because they they want to be seen as important so they'll just be like oh thanks so much for this vacation american airlines even though

american airlines did nothing to give them anything. That's so funny. Yeah, so on one hand, like, yeah, the brands are being talked about, and that's good for them. On the other hand, like, it seems like they are sponsoring content that they wouldn't normally sponsor. Because all these idiots are trying. They have, like, 2,000 followers, and most of them are because they followed other people. Oh, they're just like, I've got 10,000 followers, and I follow 12 i follow 12 000 people like that kind of thing where you see that so many grifters on twitter are like that yeah yeah i see what happened here the the way that everything's formatted i i had like four google doc links but then if i scroll on all the way up there's other stuff here we don't we don't need we don't need

the smart mouth read we get we've done it enough we can just wing it you wing it kyle bad breath is a gross embarrassing problem that impacts everyone at some point in their lives fortunately it isn't your fault smart mouth mouthwash knows the real cause of bad breath and how just two rinses a day can solve it for good but first what is bad breath bad breath is a natural consequence of bacteria living in your mouth naturally occurring oral bacteria consume protein in your mouth and give off sulfur gas as waste so when you smell that rotten egg bad breath odor you're actually smelling sulfur gas. Using alcohol to just kill those germs or trying to cover that smell with a minty mask won't solve the problem.

To solve a real problem, you need real science. SmartMouth uses a clinically proven patented two-liquid system. When poured, the clear sulfur-eliminating solution combines with a green zinc ion solution and activates. The activated zinc ions seek out and bind to bacteria in the mouth, eliminating solution combines with a green zinc ion solution and activates. The activated zinc ions seek out and bind to bacteria in the mouth, stopping them from being able to consume protein or release sulfur gas for 12 hours per rinse. No sulfur gas means no bad breath.

You can find SmartMouth in the oral health aisle at your favorite supermarket, pharmacy, grocery store, or online at Amazon. And for a limited time, go on over to SmartMouth.com slash PKA to get 20% off your smart mouth, mouthwash or toothpaste. Enter code PKA promo at checkout for 20% off your purchase. Smart mouth.com slash PKA code PKA promo. Check them out.

All right. Your breath doesn't smell bad. And also, I'll go ahead. If you happen to be put on the spot, like we were trying to do to Kyle, how would you have winged the smart mouth ad?

Bad breath is embarrassing. I was going to try and No, bad breath sucks. You guys, I know, we're going to cut out the ad read. We're going to be a little more informal. What do you want more than anything in the world out there? Comment now. Pussy. You want nice, tight, wet pussy.

It doesn't smell bad. What are you not going to get? If you're tired of smelly pussy, you take one cup of this SmartMouth mouthwash. Turn your lady upside down. And then you shake her. Yeah, but you want to get pussy, and you can't have bad breath and get pussy. And so you need to get rid of it. And SmartMouth is the only way to truly do that.

It's got a patented formula that's going to make sure to do it for sure, 100% of the time, no doubt. And you know what it pairs well with? A mattress company that isn't sponsoring this episode, so I won't say, and a dick pill company that's not sponsoring this episode, so I won't say. And so if you want to take dick pills, fuck on a nice mattress and you need to not have bad breath. And this will save you. So get your

dick wet. Go to smartmouth.com slash pka and get your dick wet. Taylor, I'm so surprised that you don't write ad copy for a living. I should start doing that. This is your goal. Support for today's show also comes from Ginlock,

a new animated series that rewrites sci-fi and action-adventure storytelling in a way that is both fresh and familiar. The year is 2072. An oppressive authoritarian force threatens to conquer the world. A diverse group of recruits is selected to pilot a new form of weaponized neuroscience that powers devastating mecha. They need to learn to work together, adapt to their arsenal, and be willing to sacrifice everything to succeed in battle and win the war.

Do you have what it takes to come together? Do they have what it takes to come together as a team? Or will they fall apart before they have a chance to fight? Gin Lock is a new animated series from Rooster Teeth, the studio that brought you Ruby and Red vs. Blue, featuring an all-star cast that includes Michael B. Jordan, Maisie Williams, Dakota Fanning, and David Tennant. That's a damn good cast.

It's a very big cast. I think it's neat when someone who started on YouTube goes big time. Yeah, and I'm glad that Arya didn't get typecast and that she's in this too. Because I like Arya, or Maisie Williams. I'm going to call her Arya. Even though she does it like a catfish. I mean, that's why she's such a good faceless man and assassin, is no one going to call her Arya. Even though she does it like a catfish. I mean, that's why she's such a good faceless man and assassin,

is no one can sneak up on Arya. She's got huge amount of peripheral vision. Ridiculous. This is going to be a great show, and you're going to love Arya in it, so check it out. I love that you're like, I'm glad that she can find other roles that don't typecast her by her actress's name, or by her character's name.

By Arya. I'm glad she's not typecast as Arya, whatever the fuck that chick's name is. We'll just call her Arya. Arya's good. I ordered fractional plates for my gym downstairs. You know, like smaller plates.

Because I'm doing like this five by five lifting thing where you start really light I've heard about that on point yeah because I I haven't done traditional lifting in 10 years or like a long time like probably not that long but still and so I like want to make sure my form is all good and so I'm starting out way lower and like working up and you add a certain amount every workout as long as you complete the five by five successfully I ordered fractional plates which are smaller than like two and a half pound plates and it only came in a set on amazon and so it came with one pound plates teeny three quarter pound and they're just all the same they're all very small plate that you slide on

and this is the quarter pound plate that they shipped me. It was in a set, so it sent it. Look at this. Do you think you could crack that if you tried? I mean, it's made of steel or iron, so no. I was like, I don't know how. I think you could. Well, you're pulling

it apart. It's going to shatter, and it's going to be cast iron, and it's going to rip your palm apart. No, there's no fucking way I's going to cast iron and it's going to rip your palm apart. No, there's no fucking way I'm going to be able to... Oh, maybe. You bent it, didn't you? Show us the bend. He's hulking out over there. If it makes him angry, he'll just rip it in two. I like... Have you seen

the Bowflex dumbbells? Yeah, the power blocks or whatever they call those, the adjustable ones. Yeah, the thing that you just have one. It takes up no room. It's like one set. I just got those, and they're great. I've heard really good things about them.

Yeah, it's just wonderful because it's just like having one set of literally two dumbbells, but it's all the way from five to 52 1⁄2. There's no quarter pound. Cause no, I just thought this was hilarious. I can't imagine being like going for my new max. Give me the quarter pounders.

That's like this. I'm like, this is so fucking, you know who those are for the guy with the hand with the weird arm. Oh, it's for that guy. For that guy. Forever sassy.

I was going to ask you if you missed lifting much, like, cause because when you move it can break your schedule did that happen to you it definitely broke my schedule for lifting uh but i'm back into it now like i built so i ordered the uh the x3 titan power rack the flat foot power rack so it's like what you can you know when you go to a gym and it's got like the four posts that stand up and it's got the you know put the bench in the middle of it that's where you bench that's where you squat that's where you do everything it's basically just what you buy if you want to be able to lift safely at home and not worry about failing and crunching yourself to death and so i bought the titan x3 uh flat foot power rack the short flat foot power rack because my basement wasn't tall enough

for the tall one i heard all the reviews they're like you know titan is kind of renowned for sending you the wrong equipment and i'm like uh but it's a third the cost of rogue and so i'm gonna i'm gonna roll the dice on this yeah and so i get it and they sent all the right pieces except they sent me the tall version instead of the short version and i was not about to send a 400 pound box back my car can hardly drive as it is right now it's not going to handle that there's no way like am i going to open both rear doors what's your plan through well i put it together i had like five friends over like two weeks ago and because i try to do it alone and i almost killed myself it's too heavy and so we all were putting it together and like you know the beams in your basement like there was maybe there's maybe like that much clearance and in

some areas because it's a basement like the floor is not 100 even it's there's not even any clearance and so we got the whole thing put together, totally assembled, but it was facing the wrong way. And I was like, you know, we were all eating. My girlfriend made us all food as like a little thank you thing. And I went back down and was like, all right, guys, just run back down with me real quick before you go so we can lift this up and shift it into the right position. We go down there and we're like, all right, everybody lift. Immediately hits the ceiling. And so we're like, all right, let's the ceiling and so we're like all right let's

twist so we try and twist hits the hits the boards in the middle of it and so we try and lean it it's too tall it's scraping on the top of the ceiling and so we have to like reverse engineer take apart the bottom part and then me and five people are trying to hold a 550 pound we unwieldy thing to get it finally set up and now it is you know how like those boards in your basement i don't even know what that's called the thing that just hangs down you know those like an unfinished basement area where you look at the beams yeah we got it assembled it is literally held together by like three sets of beams. Like there's no more room for it to go. And so now every time I bench and I put the weight back,

it rocks and it slams into one of those beams. And so I've been looking online, trying to see how I can hire somebody who has a metal cutting tool to come out and just chop off the top of these things. And I don't know how you do that. I looked online for like a, a settling torch, I think is what it's called to do stuff these things. And I don't know how you do that. I looked online for like a acetylene torch, I think is what it's called, to do stuff like that and cut steel.

And I don't trust myself with that. Absolutely not. Oh, come on. I'll walk you right through it. It's super easy. It's fun. Is it really? It's super easy.

Will it cut through a power rack iron? The answer is yes. I don't need to know what. I don't need to know what. You're playing a cut through. The know what you're playing the answer is going to be yes okay this is good for me this is another question is this something that i could like go to lowes and rent or will i have to buy oh uh you can rent the tanks you might but the tool itself i have to buy this is not a cheap thing you're talking yeah no no you're're in for $800 for a good one. You probably don't want a good one, but you're still in for five.

You can get a propane, the propane oxygen one. That'll do just about the same thing. Why not a Sawzall? That's what I was going to go with. Like when I was doing this, I was going with hacksaw. If you really just want to go cheap and get a bit of a workout while you're at it, go get yourself a hacksaw and a metal cutting blade and get to work. I think you should get a Sawzall.

Will that cut through it? Multiple metal cutting blades. It will cut through it, and you'll want a Sawzall in your life anyway. Pro tip, variable speed. Super pro tip, get the attachment so you can put vacuum-lock dildos onto that bad boy. What is it? It's just a Sawzall?

Reciprocating Saw. Yeah, I think Sawzall is like Kleenex. The thing I took away from this story is how nice it would have been to have five friends. That's a good line. That's good. Aww. Alright, I'm going to

order one of these Sawzalls then. Mine's not variable speed and I regret it Alright, Sawzall You wouldn't regret the settling torch either I'm going to tell you, you can melt things You ever just want to melt something? I mean, all the time You ever just see something and wish it was liquid?

Things need branding Problem solved Things need branding around the house I've melted some I used to play with that thing a ton as a kid That's how I burnt my hands so badly that time With an acetylene torch Well I filled a balloon up with the acetylene And then I lit the balloon

Don't do that Don't do that Yeah that was a learning experience You can't even tell Which one lost all the skin. Second and third degree burns. They thought I'd need skin grafts. Proved them wrong again.

Kyle actually used to be black. Wolverine. The hand was black. The hand was black because acetylene burns very dirty and sooty. Did you have to wear a glove? What did they do if you wore a glove? Yeah, it was like this weird perforated plastic-ish glove

that went over it. I've told the story a bunch of times, so I won't go... They put me on a ton of morphine until I was based... I have no memory of the event, but I remember them scrubbing all of the flesh off of the back of my hand. I remember that sensation. Not the pain of it, but the movement

and the pressure. Then I woke up and there was just a plastic glove on there and then they wrapped that in gauze and a week later i was good to go it was shockingly fast a long time ago this is a couple of years before we had hope uh we had like a couple that was for your child right not um yeah hope is my kids so just to call it you know 20 years Anyway, their kid got badly burned down his arm and across his chest and on his back. He was young, call him two. And he pulled a hot cup that they were making tea with off the counter onto himself. And he just splashed. Shit.

Yeah. So when I met the kid, he was like two years later. Shit. Yeah. So when I met the kid, he was like two years later, and he was still just living in like a neoprene vest to help his skin heal better. And it was a big ordeal. Fuck that. Same thing happened to me.

I went into the sun once. I actually had so I had a thing happen in the emergency room where I sliced into my finger deeply with a circular saw I was it was so dumb too because I was like putting the final touches I made this giant art piece where I put like all the postcards from touring for 15 years

in like the shape of the US map and I was like so proud of it so you're a grown up at this point this was last year so what map and I was like so proud of it. I'm a grown up at this point. This was last year. Okay. So what? You think I was a kid playing with a circular saw?

I was. Yeah. Okay, fair. So I go, there's like this little piece of wood that's like sticking out of the mount because I just shave it down because it wasn't quite fitting.

And so I was like, oh, there's a little tiny piece of wood. I don't want anyone to get a splinter. so i went one more pass at the circular saw i slipped and the teeth hit my finger so uh yeah cut up my finger in four places and i went you know i went to the emergency room and so they're like treating me and they do the thing where they need to like stick it in like the saline, you know, mix, whatever. I think it's like say whatever it is to kill all the germs. OK, I don't know. It's yeah, it's saline and iodine, I think.

And it burns. It's like a little brown mixture and it's supposed to burn. And they go, you have this in here for two minutes. I'm sorry, it's going's gonna burn but you have to so i'm like all right i grip my teeth i put my finger in it i'm holding i'm okay and then some crazy fucking junkie coming off coming down on something comes in the emergency room and he's screaming at people and shrieking and they all go to try to handle this guy and just leave me with my hand in there and and they come back i think it was 25 minutes later and they were just like oh we totally forgot

about this i was like yeah yeah you did did it hurt the whole time was your hand still in it you left it in there for 25 minutes they told me they were like do not take your hand out until we tell you i was like all right and yeah, I just kept it in there. You didn't get help or call for help? There was a little while where I was like, hello, anybody? And also, at the time, I didn't know it was just some guy coming down. I thought someone had been in a horrible car accident. It's just someone shrieking, and it's awful.

And so that actually, for a while, it made me feel better because I was there. Like my buddy came to meet me there, you know, because he was going to drive me home after. And so like we're sitting in the emergency room and they're stitching me up. And I was like, hey, whatever it is I'm dealing with, I'm sure I have the lightest sentence here. You know, I'm sure everyone else in this emergency room is dealing with way worse than this. I cut up my finger. It's bad. I'll be fine.

I didn't lose my finger. I'll probably get sensation back in it. And, you know, I'm like, that guy is probably in a horrible car accident. And the nurse is just like, well, we can't really say why that person's here. And then that was like, okay, why is this person here? Like, immediately. I was like okay why is this person here like immediately i was like why uh and they're like well uh put it this way um he brought this on himself and then my friend and i were like oh fuck is he just is he just like coming down from something and the nurse

just kind of nodded we're like ah i thought you couldn't tell us what kind of nodded. We're like, ah, fuck. I thought you couldn't tell us. What kind of hospital is this? Are you going over there telling him I fucked up with the circular saw? Yeah. You didn't embarrass me in front of this fine upstanding man. Yeah, loose lips sink ships, lady. Get out of here. I hate going to the doctor and to the hospital

and I guess it's a year and a half ago now that I was drying a ceramic knife when i was cleaning it with a paper towel and i just wasn't paying attention i just went to try and in it there's still a scar here like it basically cut off like the dug in diagonally and that cut off the pad of my thumb immediately started just pouring blood and i was like oh it's probably not that bad and i wrapped a bunch of uh i didn't have i mean this is a couple apartments ago and as a single man i didn't have any uh any supplies or anything and so i wrapped

it in a bunch of bounty quick the quicker piker upper and then i used hockey tape to secure it on there and then i went to bed and i woke up the next morning and like took it off to change it and like it was not a closed wound it was like the skin had like curled up a bit to where like you could see a bunch of flesh and red that's i know and i was like sleep i was like all right it hurt a lot but i didn't want to go to the doctor and so i was like all right i'm gonna give this a week and so i went i let it heal for a while it was not healing correctly there's a lump i don't even know if you can see there's a lump yeah probably not on this camera in my thumb heals all wounds except slicing your fucking finger off and And I, for like a week, maybe like seven, eight, nine days,

I dealt with it. It hurt like a bitch. And like I couldn't do anything with my right hand. And then I went to a doctor eventually. That's the worst part of the story. I'm worried this is going to get infected. And so I went in and I showed it to like the doctor. And she was like, oh my you at you

definitely should have gone to the hospital and i was like all right you know hindsight's 2020 what do we do from here and she's like well i mean the skin it's already growing back together like we can't sew it from here all you have to do like keep vaseline on it or something like let it try and heal and i was like but is it gonna go back to normal she's like no did she use that inflection too is that what she was like no i added that but yeah so now there's just like a weird like ridge on my thumb from where i gashed it open so bad so lesson learned now and it turned out fine. And so if it happens again, I'm not going to the doctor. Unprofessionalism

amongst doctors that Steve mentioned earlier is why I don't have a vasectomy right now. So I've told the story on this thing of how I had that test to give a torsion at like 15 years old or something. So they put a stitch in there so it doesn't like re-twist. Anyway, I'm contemplating getting a vasectomy and I go to the urologist and i'm like yo hey like look some guys are vanilla

i'm a little bit rocky road down there you might want to check it out see what you're dealing with and um as he's like you know cupping me a little bit the door pops open and the nurse walks in and, uh, yeah, I'm like, you don't knock, you know, fucking urologists office. Like you just walk into patient treatment rooms. Like this is urology for Christ's sakes.

Like this is the ultimate place where you would knock first. And, um, that's kind of when I fired him on the spot and still don't have a vasectomy. When they walked, I mean like, but like who cares if medical professionals see your dick? Jackie cares, god damn it.

I didn't like it. I didn't like the way the office was ran. And she walked in and she's like, oh, I'm sorry. And it's like, yeah. What did you think was back here? Like, this isn't something I can do. Right, like. You thought we're playing Uno in here or something just play on my dick

motherfucker so uh so yeah i just decided this wasn't the doctor for me and never got it yeah so are you gonna go back oh sorry go ahead no oh no i just just uh i've so i've sliced two different fingers um one was a stupid thing on a box cutter. I just slipped with a box cutter. Both times I needed stitches. The first time with the box cutter, it wasn't that bad, but it was something where like it could be fixed up really easily with eight stitches. They gave me five. I found out they should have given me eight because when I went to –

I was on the road when I went to like get them taken out, and I went to like this urgent care, and're like yeah there's why do you only have five stitches like that's this is ridiculous and i get so i get the bill for five stitches it's i think it's like four grand and i was like what the fuck is this and i have insurance but even the insurance they cover part of it so it gets down like 800 bucks so i i asked them i go can i get an itemized bill so they send me the itemized bill and it's like bottle of saline uh 100 dollars uh medical tray 400 dollars so i go to a medical supply uh like catalog online i don't shop around i go to the first thing i google and the medical supply catalog comes up.

Bottle of saline, $1. Medical supply tray, $3. So I did all the math, and they had raised the prices of everything. And I'm not including, they had doctor's fees on top of it and all that shit. For the actual medical supplies, 1,400% markup. It's sad that it's not even that surprising. It's so fucked up. So I called them. And also, hospitals, there's no competition in hospitals.

There are laws. You can't open a hospital within a certain radius of another hospital. Well, you don't know how many medical professionals are out there who are totally capable of running a clinic if given the opportunity. I should have just gone to prison and had Dr. Huxtable work on my finger. People think if you rape two or three dozen women, you don't know how to spot STDs and cut fingers.

It's not the truth. If you were sporting a bed sheet right now as a lab coat, that'd be so great. I can't finish this story after that impression now. That's too good. I love doing shitty after that impression now that's good i love doing shitty impressions it's great no just the story is i i so i called them up and i called to speak to the hospital administrator and like this is actually one of the ones i didn't win you can't be at a hospital this is not verizon this is the fucking sherman oaks hospital and so i call her up and i

i told her i was like hey i know you're raising prices by 1400 like this is not okay and she goes well that's just what we've been charged and i go well then you're being ripped off because it's definitely a ripoff for these prices and she was like well we're not changing them and i was like all right going from i'm gonna go take this out on the at&t guy $400 for $3 worth of service for this is in line with industry standards it's it is it's gross it's gross but i always thought before that happened i always thought it was the insurance companies jacking up the prices it's not it's the the hospitals are where it starts and then the insurance companies jack up the prices to be in line with the hospital.

So right now, all the Democratic candidates are doing this like, oh, we're going to fix the health care system by going single payer, Medicare for all, whatever. And it's like, how exactly does this work? Because the core problem is they charge us too much, right? That's why insurance is so expensive because the doctors are charging this much. Why are the doctors? That's why insurance is so expensive because the doctors are charging this much. Why are the doctors – why is it both sides of the aisle agree that Americans are paying much more for health care than other people? How exactly do we remove like trillions of dollars from the overall cost of health care?

Who's getting broke in this? Is it the pharmaceutical companies? Is it the doctors? The administrators? The medical supply companies? Medical supply. this is it the pharmaceutical companies is it the doctors the administration medical supply companies medical supply like well think about every hot idiot you know that sells medical supplies do you know like have you seen this farm hotties yeah sure it's a thing oh yeah i know what you're talking about okay yeah the idea of like all it takes to sell medical supplies is being like... It's a v-neck shirt and a pair of titties. Right, and that is a bad sign

for the industry. That means that they're not buying what they actually need. And then some of those doctor's offices, I think it's illegal in a lot of situations now, but it used to be those reps would just show up and be like, Kedoba for everyone!

And then just handing out burritos and stuff and the doctors would give preferential treatment to whoever was giving them the best meal they would be like Hawaii trips for everyone oh yeah and then they would just buy their stuff and yeah I mean Woody you make a good point I think the biggest problem

is that like the the legislation needs to be how much can you charge for something that like the the legislation needs to be how much can you charge for something and like the the patent law is fucking ridiculous like the martin scurrly bullshit that happened which i think i've talked about it on the show i went to high school with that kid yeah yeah um man your high school was dope what what a what a weird yeah it was a weird place i'll tell you that it was martin scurrly uh chris hayes lin-manuel miranda uh immortal technique a lot of weird mike marona a lot of weird

mix of people uh i think the most famous person from my high school class was me what a shit well the most famous person from my high school ever is probably uh elena kagan supreme court justice okay but that was way before your time you can't yeah yeah i didn't is probably Elena Kagan, Supreme Court Justice. Okay. But that was way before your time. You can't count. Yeah, yeah, I didn't meet her, but her brother did teach my social studies class.

One of the first MTV VJs went to my high school. Wow, kind of a step down, huh? What do you do? Well, I'm a social studies teacher. Do you have any siblings? Yeah, I have a sister. What does she do? Well, she sits on the Supreme Court of the United States. I'd be like, she's in law.

She works in law. She works in law. Like a paralegal or something? You've got to feel like such a fucking loser if one of your siblings is a Supreme Court justice. Like the third Manning brother. I was about to say Cooper Manning. Oh, darn right. Cooper Manning, who, by the way, sells insurance.

He has an insurance broker. I don't know if he still does, but he was an insurance broker for a while. I always wondered, like, Thanksgiving at the Manning house. Because also, Archie Manning, the father, was also a pro bowler, right? Yeah. So you've got a pro bowler, two of the greatest quarterbacks of our generation, winning-wise, anyway. And then a guy, like, be like, oh, can you please pass us salt?

Oh, you mean like the rest of the family passed our way into the record books? Yeah, here you go. Oh, I gotta look up this. It's really good. And he was also supposedly the most talented of the three, and he got injured.

I think it was his senior year at Mizzou. He got injured. Mizzou, woo-hoo. Oh, speaking of Mizzou, the best brother combo of that shit is that the Gretzky brothers have the most combined points of any NHL combo.

And Wayne Gretzky had 2,857 points in 1,487 games. And Brent Gretzky had 4 points in 13 games. There's also... There's Craig Griffey, Ken Griffey jr's brother it's funny

how like the famous siblings names sound made up like who the fuck is craig griffey yeah absolutely but there's also so bobby bonds who was a great baseball player and then of course barry bonds his brother is bobby bonds jr who didn't do anything. This is one of my favorite basketball quotes. Let me get this out. I'll always remember this as the night that Michael Jordan and I combined for 70 points. Set after Michael Jordan scored a career-high 69 points and Stacey King scored one.

Yeah, it was great. Taylor, I read something about Mizzou Athletics. I want to say that you guys got caught, uh, having people take the test for athletes like outright, not just cheating. Yeah. So,

so what happened is Mizzou football, Mizzou baseball, and Mizzou women's softball. There were across those three sports, there were a dozen people who were, uh, basically tutored in a cheaty way where it was like not just tutoring, it was they would fucking do the test for you.

And Mizzou is getting hammered for it. So we can't, football and none of those three sports, can we go to the playoffs next year? Like we're nixed. We can't go. Maybe two years. It's one year. Were you going to any bowls next year. We're nixed. Maybe two years. It's one year. Were you going to any

bowls next year anyway? We would have gone to some bullshit bowl. We went to one this year. We were ranked 24th. I know. If you weren't ranked, maybe State would have been. By the way, I got it wrong. Cooper Manning went to Mississippi. Ole Miss, not Mizzou.

Only 12 players with that infraction. Meanwhile, UNC gets caught with years, years of history of this. It's not even fucking comparable. And they're like, UNC, whatever. You guys make more money for us. Mizzou. And first of all, this has something to do with the fact that the NCAA is based out of KC, Kansas. And Kansas fucking hates Mizzou.

And so they're coming after us. That's a conspiracy theory that I don't actually believe. But it's funnier if I say I do. I do. I believe that. But it's just fucking bullshit. If you really think that at every college across this country, tutors aren't

taking tests for those kids and doing shit, then you're a fucking retard. Well, you know what I know for sure, Taylor? They're doing it at Mizzou, so enjoy that. They're doing it at UNC. They're doing it at Alabama and Georgia. I didn't really think about that. They have entire years and years and years and years of history. I'll in Alabama and Georgia. I didn't read anything about that. They have entire years and years and years and years of history.

I'll say Alabama and Georgia for sure, but UNC, they have documented decades of this shit. I don't see any articles on ESPN.com. Literally, the FBI looked into UNC. Not the NCAA. The FBI is there. Yeah, Woody knows it's bullshit what UNC is getting away with. Oh! It's kind of funny.

It's insane. It's funny because I don't actually care about any Mizzou sports, but... My apologies to Cooper Manning. He is now a host on Fox Sports because he has a last name. That's pretty cool. That's like how the Kennedys get to stay in politics

even though the one that's prominent right now is that ginger that is unlikable you guys unlikable i just look at him and i just compare him in my head to john f i just i'm like one you don't you don't have enough of what's left and i see the inside yeah i genuinely don't know anything about the guy but anytime i see like a politician with nixon clinton bush fucking any of those i'm like uh you're you're i compare him to ted kennedy and i'm like you haven't killed nearly enough women to be not nearly not nearly never forget let me do one more advertisement perfect timing taming the briar patch mowing the lawn or trimming the Yeti.

Whatever you call it, it's about time we talked about manscaping. Keeping things trimmed and fresh below the waist. Nine out of ten women of all ages prefer their guy manscaped. But you've got to have the right tools for the jewels, or you'll end up looking like you used a machete. Pop on over to manscaped.com and check out their perfect package. Not that perfect package, the Manscaped Perfect Package 2.0. That was a smash hit on Shark Tank.

It features the Lawn Mower, a precision trimmer engineered for below-the-waist grooming. Its skin-safe technology means no more accidental nicks and burns. Check out the Lawn Mower and the amazing grooming and hygiene products that come with your perfect package. What's that saying? Trim the shrubs and the tree stands taller. Order now to receive a manly toiletry bag, a $39 value for free.

Just enter promo code PKA at manscaped.com. That's promo code PKA at manscaped.com. Links below. Check them out. Yes, links below check them out yes absolutely check them out it's an easy way to gain an inch or more depending on just how hairy you are might be an easy way just all around it like uh like swirling like a candy cane yeah like it looks like a i'm red and white it looks like a... I'm red and white, so... Looks like a baby bird in a nest. Yeah.

Hopefully an adult bird. No, baby bird. You're being judgmental. Yeah. Yeah. My apologies. Sorry, guys. So, Steve, where in the world are you now?

Are you in California? Are you on tour? I'm in California about to launch a big old tour doing mainly theaters this year, but also some clubs. Next couple stops are Calgary, Minneapolis, Vancouver, Tampa, Boca Raton. The Polar Vortex tour.

Well, thankfully it's going to happen in a couple of weeks. I'm glad I'm not doing it this this time uh right now but then uh and then in april i'm basically doing everything from new york over to detroit including uh uh indianapolis and uh philly pittsburgh uh columbus dayton and then over to chicago in may so do and milwaukee so you're doing theaters instead of clubs does that mean your audiences are getting bigger? Is this like a cool thing? Yeah, it's, yeah, it's a, it's a positive thing.

It's I'm still doing some clubs, but, uh, you know, kind of graduating to theaters. I'm doing, uh, Seattle and Portland on a Friday, Saturday in September. In September, I've already sold like 40 tickets to Seattle. Just crazy. It's nine months out. That's awesome, dude. That's exciting. Yeah.

It means things are, things are actually, uh, things are actually uh you know i'm a real boy do you ever uh do you ever see yourself like getting like do you always see yourself staying in comedy or like if someone offered you a spot on a tv show would you be like oh hell yeah i'd still always want to do some stand-up um like i'd want i'd want to stay in the in the clubs even if i'm just you know popping in and doing a spot here and there um but yeah i've absolutely been doing other stuff i'm doing some some like executive stuff now i i run comedy juice and our facebook and youtube are blowing up or facebook especially uh i took over there were eight eight thousand followers and now there are two hundred thousand in a year. What is Comedy Juice?

So Comedy Juice is a live show every week. A bunch of PKA people have been coming out to it, which is great. We have shows in LA and New York every week. And then we also have shows around the country, Philly, San Francisco, Sacramento, Seattle, just random places. And then it's also become a digital brand, and we do free stand-up videos every day. So we do various different comics. Sometimes you've heard of them, sometimes you haven't.

And a lot of times the videos go viral. There was one video, Mitch Burrow, who's super funny, had a video from four years ago where he talked about being in the Marines. And there's one joke on it that's so fucking killer where he goes, yeah, people always, the first question they always ask me is, do you have to kill anyone when you're over there uh and he's like relax i'm a helicopter mechanic and they were like oh thank god so you didn't

kill anyone and he goes i never said i'm a good helicopter i saw that yeah it's a great bit yeah great bit and uh yeah and that went super viral and it's great also because the comics make money off of it so like that he made more off of that video than he did off of performing in the time that that video has been up there so which is awesome yeah and so it's a really great way for us to showcase new comics and also you know and also it grows the brand so you know i'm cool with doing the business side of stuff too clip out my bill cosby bit and put that up there. That would go so viral.

You guys have stuff. You guys should do more clips of the show. Like just of like the best of parts. Those would do so well. Sometimes, though, like they're more inclined to cause trouble. Like, you know, YouTube. Don't use those. But those are the best ones.

They are the best ones. It's a challenge. We've had two different people do clips for us. You don't think my bit about Kevin Spacey wanting to rape even more kids. I like that one. That's my favorite one. That's a good one, yeah. No, I think that there's a lot

of clips this show could do that could do really well. I mean, look at like Rogan has a whole clips channel. He does. He's so big. I mean, he's probably not the biggest podcast out there. I'm sure that belongs to like serial or one of those like NPR ones. But actually, no, probably not. Like Joe might be the biggest one, right?

Rogan's the biggest guest. He's a kingmaker. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. And then, yeah, there are all these other, like, podcasts that do really well with clips. Like, Theo Vaughn is crushing it with clips right now. Like, the stuff that he puts on his Instagram.

I'm not familiar with Theo Vaughn. Oh, Theo Vaughn's so funny. Oh, man, you guys should have him on, too. He's, just the way he talks is so different. Like, we did a college tour. Yeah, hook us up with him. We'll have him on. So, theo first got

notoriety for being on road rules and so when he became a comic all these girls were like obsessed with them from road rules and they didn't understand that like this is a guy with like a dark sense of humor and so two of his jokes that i remember from early touring uh one of them he goes uh he goes i uh my dick bends a little bit not like a lot just like it's trying to peek around a cantaloupe and then uh and then he goes uh he goes yeah i was really sad to find out that uh one of the olsen twins is bulimic because now in my fantasies i got to keep a bucket by the bed so i mean amazing like quick one-liner like it was great but like it's watching we did a college orientation together and watching these like 18 year old girls who were obsessed with

them from mtv just be like oh oh no like was one of the most fun things i've had in comedy it was great what's he like the same kind of what theovon v-o-n is he's in a style as like a jeselnik like the one-liner like quick stuff no he tells story he tells stories a lot it's just that those are things that stuck with me like he tells and he grew up really poor in louisiana and he like he tells this amazing story about how they used to sell hamsters how he would like go to concerts and sell hamsters to to like hide people and like write the write the name of the people on the hamster and like the it was just it's ridiculous shit like that uh one of my favorite he has a story just bring a bag of

hamsters what he did yeah about hooking up with uh he has a story about hooking up with this girl who had no legs and like he didn't know that she had no legs it was just like a tinder thing where she invited him over and she was hot and at one point in the story he goes now i don't mean to offend anybody who has no legs but there are people out there with no legs and they're in stories too yeah it's great he's really funny that's a good way to frame it i like that yeah yeah he's uh yeah he's got like uh you know like this cajun drawl and it's it's uh he's uh he's a fun dude yeah theo von we should get him on who is the other guy you reckon oh uh something gas the oh yeah craig gas just for the impressions alone craig it'd be fun i know a guy

that was on road rules with theo von we have a friend in common i was just looking at it really yeah i didn't hear you woody um guy named letarian uh he was on road rules with theovan and i know him barely the thing the way that theo and i became friends was so he had just started doing stand-up and he was at this college convention this was probably 15 years ago and uh you know i didn't watch road rules i didn't know much about it but a girl i went to high school with was on the, the challenge with road rules in a real world. Like she was on real world and I didn't,

I never liked her, but like, I knew that we had a, you know, we knew someone in common and someone introduced us. And so I just go, oh yeah, you know,

I went to high school with Aralon and he just goes, oh, I hate that bitch. And I was like, we're going to be friends. Like, cause not only do we agree, but also because he didn't make any errors about it.

He wasn't like, let me check if you're friends with her first. He just immediately was like, this is what I think of this person. I was like, me too. Good for you. And we've been friends ever since.

This Latarian guy, like at the time I knew him, I was young, uh, 26. Right. And we've been friends ever since. This Letarian guy, like at the time I knew him, I was young, 26, right? And like, so he was just a little younger than me. And it seemed like everything that he ever got came so easily. And it was just based on him being good looking. Like, yeah, he's on road rules and he made a lot of money on that. And then he was a J crew model and he made a lot of money.

It would be like 40 grand over a week or two. And he did something else. And I worked so much harder for so much less. Rule one. Rule one and rule two. Be attractive. Don't be unattractive. Right. He had that figured out.

Of course, he's my age, so probably not anymore. One of the... I did an event with one of the real world girls from this the same season as erlon from vegas uh this girl trichelle and aside from the fact that like she was uh not the brightest um like she gave us it was a charity event and so she like gave this speech about it was to like college kids and it was about them supporting the elizabeth glazer pediatric aids foundation and so she was pitching them on the idea of like doing dance marathons for this that's like the main thing that they did and so what she meant

to say was hopefully like self-deprecating hopefully when you do it they'll send a celebrity to your campus who's much more famous than i am instead she goes when they send a celebrity to your campus i hope it won't be me that doesn't sound good no that's funny though yeah and then she brought up uh she brought up her boyfriend in the speech and it was like a bunch of dudes and they were only listening to her because they wanted to have sex with her they were like no we don't care now but i was sitting at uh so they sat me at the table with her i was just doing stand-up later at the event but they sat me at the table it was like me and her and like 10 college guys and every one of them was trying to hit on her but they were trying to hit on her in the only way they knew how which was like in college what what do you do? Oh, what's your major? And so they were like,

so what did you major in? We're just trying to ask her questions that, that applied to their world. And it was, that was a lot of fun to watch. That's a funny bit being like 30 years old in a bar asking people what their major is. Yeah.

So, uh, what did, what did you major in? What would you major in and how does it not at all apply to what you do now yeah you're like oh you uh dropped out of college okay that's it's good you doing good kyle yeah good yeah i'm sleepy i'm tired i got up early today well that's why i asked you looked a little tired. I'm feeling low energy.

Have you had your late night coffee yet? No, I had no coffee today either. That's probably part of it. I'm feeling drained. Fucking Jacob. You're running off of vodka and sweet tea. Vodka? It's unsweet tea. I completely got off the... I don't drink sweet tea anyway. You said you sweetened the tea. I sweetened it with sweetener, though. Oh, okay. Wait, if you don't drink sweet tea, are you you sweetened the sweet i sweeten it with sweetener though oh okay wait if you don't drink sweet tea are you allowed to stay in atlanta uh i i i think so it's i i think i think it'll be okay is that the idea behind no no sugar yeah

there's no sugar in it that's the thing so so i put what i meant like holistically if you are you like no reese's peanut butter cups, no things that have refined sugar? No, I don't eat any sugar, no. Yeah. Nice. Sugar's wasted calories. I'd much rather have something savory anyway, and I just think sugar's bad for you. I agree completely.

I mean, that's a real hot take. Processed sugar is bad for you. I think it's really bad for you. I think Kyle's right about this. I think it's right next to salt, that it it does a couple like there's an insulin response and it's i think sugar is super bad for you i think it's way worse than salt no we've yeah we've established that salt is yeah salt is right about this in he was also right about salt that's oh got it got it okay yeah i think uh yeah processed sugar is there have been so many studies that first it's refined

the same way that cocaine is like it is taken from sugar cane. The way that cocaine is taken from the, from the, like, what's the cocoa plant. And also there are so many studies about it being addicting and like with both humans and animals about like when you take sugar away from someone who like doesn't have you know fully developed get like a kid or you know an animal or something they like freak the fuck out uh you know similar drug response so i try to avoid it as much as i can plants coca coca i think different plant than coco okay that's where i was headed i was a little confused you're like that explains count chocula that's why he's always so crazy about that cereal

wonder are those cereals around anymore like of course they are i never see i don't know about the the boo berry but uh count chocula is definitely still around and like frankenberry right yeah um one of my favorite cereals was always like the um the whatever the chocolate rice crispy cereal was i love it yeah cocoa crisps yeah yes what was the one that it was uh oh it was kooky crisp that was the one that was really good literally straight up that was the one that my mom and dad wouldn't buy for me. Oh, yes. I checked.

So I got this. I got a false positive test for like for diabetes. No, no, no. That was actually positive. I got a false positive test for it. They said I was pre-diabetic. I was getting life insurance, and I just happen to have a blood sugar spike that day and you know their job is to just be like what's every condition we can say is pre-existing so they said i was pre-diabetic so which is basically

means borderline um and so i was freaking out and i so for two weeks until i got you know like a better and second opinion that was like, absolutely not. I was freaked out and I was like, okay, I'm gonna change the way I eat. And so I was like, all right,

I'm gonna get healthy breakfast cereal instead. Cause at the time I would have breakfast cereal every morning. And so I was like, I'm gonna get healthy breakfast cereal instead. And so I'm like, instead of, cause I always had fruity pebbles and frosted flakes. And I was like,

I'm gonna go get raisin bread. And I looked at it and it was like twice the sugar of frosted flakes. I was like, fuck. So then I was like, okay, what about this K Raisin Bran. I looked at it and it was like twice the sugar of Frosted Flakes. I was like, fuck. So then I was like, okay, what about this Kashi stuff? And it still had just as much. And I was like, all right, well, that's out. Yeah, yeah, all the breakfast cereals have sugar.

All of them. Even Frosted Mini Wheats? I know it's like an understood thing. Are you sure? Only on one side. They're frosted! I thought it was frosted with cocaine. What if I eat the other side? Oh, then you're fine.

Every cereal... Like you're eating cherries and you're spitting the pits out. I just put the horrible side against the tongue. Oh, then that works too. There's some that are rice instead of wheat, which is a little bit healthier for you. Yeah.

But it's still covered in sugar. A serving of Raisin bran had more sugar than a serving of maple syrup. What? Wow. How is that possible? Because it's just, because between the raisins and the sugar they add to make that garbage taste decent.

Yeah. If you look closely. That is the thing where you're like, oh, bran and raisins, this must be horrible. And then you eat thing where you're like, oh, bran and raisins, this must be horrible. And then you eat it and you're like, well, this is surprisingly good. You should know just from that that there's more in it. I can't tell you how many times, because when I was

growing up, when I was a kid, and like as I was getting into high school age and I still lived at home, and my mother would always have raisin bran as one of the choices of cereal, sometimes I would be like, I'm going to make the smart decision. I'm going to eat the healthy cereal today. And now I look back and I'm like, I was just mainlining sugar cane. Yeah.

And the way I eat oatmeal, it's worse than any of that because like plain oatmeal is garbage. But if you add brown sugar and butter and cream. Yeah, maybe. Yes. Well, cinnamon's fine. You can add add all the cinnamon you want i don't think it has calories in it but just part of my oatmeal recipe i like to take i want the oatmeal super hot right and then i like take a big scoop right out of the middle and i put a huge dollop of butter in there and then i cover the butter back up and I wait a few minutes. That way when I cut right back in there's just this pustule of melted liquid butter right there in the middle.

It sounds like keto to me. Don't describe food with the word pustule. I know. You kind of lost me at pustule. Oh, it's good. I actually have a great oatmeal recipe. What you do, so you take the plain oatmeal you're right plain oatmeal is terrible so you do you take the plain oatmeal you put some

cinnamon in first and before you put anything in you mix the cinnamon in really well so that there's like a ton of cinnamon in like each part and then you eat something else i knew you were headed in a direction like this i was like how's he to remove the oatmeal from this story? I know it's happening. It's coming. It's great spackle. It's delicious if you add a lot of horrible things to it. I do have oatmeal a lot, and what I do is I'll just put a bunch of fresh fruit in it, like as much fresh fruit as I can. And it's basically like having fruit salad with a little bit of oatmeal in order to make it palatable because it sucks.

Yeah, I just skip breakfast almost all of the time. I ate breakfast today and it was the first time in memory that I had eaten any kind of breakfast. I just skip breakfast completely. I don't understand. You know how there are a lot of women who will have oatmeal in the morning and

have salad in the afternoon and things like that and I'm like, do you have no taste buds or are you just better at torturing yourself? Like, how do you, I like, it can be good as long as there's a lot of meat on it. Yeah,

that's exactly if you, if you tons of meat, cheese and dressing, if you add so much to the, like salad doesn't fill me, I'm still hungry after the salad. Unless of course there's so much stuff in there other than lettuce that it's a meal for a while,

like a year ago, like when I was meal prepping, you know, it was over a year ago, I guess like it's a meal for a while like a year ago like when i was meal prepping you know it was over a year ago i guess like it was just like make some like tilapia or salmon filet and then i would fill like a mixing bowl with spinach and then put like vinaigrette on it and by the end of that bowl eating was the last thing on my mind like you've a lot of spinach you can force yourself to consume veggies to the point you get full yeah it just takes a lot and even then you'd be like all right well i ate a pound of spinach how many oh that's nine calories i like vinaigrette uh i like vinaigrette after

caesar is the best dressing no no it's not after Caesar is the best dressing. No, no it's not. Blue cheese is the best dressing. I don't like blue cheese that much. I love blue cheese. I have a wedge of blue cheese. You might be wrong on what you like. I have an entire wedge of blue cheese in my fridge right now. It's called Wildfire Blue Cheese. If anyone has it available at their local grocery store,

I highly suggest you pick it up. It's the most delicious blue cheese. This episode is brought to you by Wildfire Blue Cheese. Wildfire Blue. They have their own website. Check it out. It won some sort of cheese award a few years ago. It's delicious.

It's incredible. This episode brought to you by Long Shits. It's fucking good shit. I love it. Fucking love it. But when I put blue cheese or ranch on a salad i feel like like i'm not even eating a salad like i feel like oh i took all of what was supposed to be healthy and i and i made it not as healthy yeah so that's the same time when i started eating

healthy for the first time i didn't know what my go-to options were like i didn't know that like most of the time if you go get like thai or vietnamese or something there's a ton of stuff you could have that's like relatively healthy and so like i just went into like uh i think i was performing in paula iowa and so i was like oh can you take me to like because the students like at the college were like taking me to whatever restaurant i was like i i'm trying to eat healthy. Can you take me somewhere that has healthy options? So they took me to the best sports bar in town. And I ordered a salad. And I was like, can you do grilled chicken

instead of bacon? And they looked at me like, I was like, also, is there somewhere I could try on this prom dress? Do you allow dick sucking in your bathroom? Is that cool? Can we just do it right at the table? You know, put it on the side so and then i asked i was like do you have any light dressing like oil and vinegar or something

and uh they were like well we have light ranch i was like that's that's still buttermilk uh i think this is gonna be more difficult than i thought it was gonna be eating healthy on the road is tough like if i travel at all i i'm ruined you gotta know you gotta know what the go-to's are um hello wendy's chili because that way you have half a meal and you never want to eat anything again for like three days so if you get the finger your appetite's finished honestly you can go to like chipotle or kudoba or kudoba and if you get a bowl and you don't pile cheese and sour cream and stuff on it like it can be pretty healthy yeah i was in a chipotle and the the girls in line in front of me they were two enormous girls and they were like talking about how like they're

so proud that they're eating healthier and like they basically get a bowl of sour cream and cheese like that was there may have been a leaf of lettuce in there somewhere. It was like sour cream, cheese, and some pork. That was what they got. I was like, this is not going to work out for me. As they waddle to the booth. Yeah, I was like, I think this might be healthier than what they were eating, frankly. But still, this is bad.

Healthy food sucks. Most of it does. Most of it does. I'm glad you said that because it what the worst thing is when they're like no no no have you tried spring mix oh no have you have you have you tried whole foods have you tried eating uh unseasoned chicken in a george foreman grill yes it's all it's it's portions though like like you can eat you can eat pizza just eat one slice that that chicken is seasoned by all the ghosts of chicken passed in that grill you're gonna order a pizza and you're gonna eat one slice that's bullshit nobody's ever done that

we need evidence i i don't like pizza that much so sometimes I do. When I order a pizza, I eat it until I hate myself. I never have pizza. Until it's gone. I can eat a whole large pizza if I set my mind to it. No problem. Absolutely. The whole thing. Papa John's pizza isn't that good,

but that garlic butter sauce they have with it, which makes it way worse for you. Yeah. It's a game changer. There's a pizza place in, I say this as a New Yorker, there is a pizza place in Providence, Rhode Island that's the best pizza I've ever had. Does it have cheese in the crust?

It's called Comet Pizza. No, they used to have a location in Boston also, but that one closed. It called cecilia's and the way they do it it's this weird like kind of inside out pizza where the crust itself tastes awesome it's seasoned really well and then they have like a really thick layer of cheese and then they have sauce on top of the cheese it's okay so fucking good yeah i like chicago stuff like chicago style yeah but it's not it's still regular by the slice it's still the triangle it's just it's it's a little bit different but it tastes so fucking good when when it used to be in boston whenever i would do a gig in boston i would usually drive home to new york after so you know i'd get home at you know two three in the morning

but i would always get a pie from cecilia's first And I'd, you know, I'd eat a couple of slices on the way. And so there was one day where I'm, it's like four in the morning when I finally get home and I'm in the elevator to my building. And there's a super drunk girl who is like barely being barely standing up. And she just sees me holding this box of pizza. She just goes, where'd you get that pizza?

I just look at her. I go Boston. And she could not figure out what the fuck i meant like it was a lot of fun to just watch market yeah like the how did you what from do you order from i was just like here's my floor just try to figure that one out while you're yeah i love chicago style pizza that's my pizza. Chicago-style pizza is lasagna. It's a different food. It's not pizza.

It's a different food. It's great, but it's a different food. Yeah, don't call it... It's fantastic lasagna. It's great, but don't call it pizza. If you can't eat it with your hand, it's not pizza. I think it should be called, like, cheese pie. Cheese pie, I'm happy with that, too.

Yeah, there's a lot of meat in there, too. A lot of garlic. You know what? I was prepared to argue about this for two to four hours. And cheese pie. I like that. Cheese pie. I'm happy with that.

But here's the weird part. Cheesecake should actually be cheese pie. It's also the name of my favorite porno. Cheese pie? It's like, watch cheese pie. Break yourself off a slice. Yeah, I like the medical fetish porn. That's good stuff.

Oh, God. All right. That's about it, right, guys? Yeah. That literally is it. Let me do the outro, and that'll be that, Mattress Man. 50 years in the future, a daring team is recruited to pilot a new form of weaponized neuroscience that powers devastating Mecca.

But they must be willing to sacrifice everything to save the world. Ginlock is a new animated series starring Michael B. Jordan, Maisie Williams, and David Tennant. Stream it for free right now, exclusively on Rooster Teeth. Check them out. And check out our guests and all things that are him. There'll be links in the description.

Where can everybody find everything? Yeah. Uh, my YouTube just passed 400,000 subscribers. So I'm happy about that. Hell yeah, dude. That's awesome.

Hooray. Uh, yeah. Uh, check me out on tour. Um, I'll do, you know what?

I'll do a post in the subreddit again. I'll do a PKA discount again. Oh, cool. That's awesome. I'll do like a, like a five bucks offer PKA and, uh,

and come out to a comedy juice. Um, next week in LA, we have Jessalyn Nick on it. Yeah, so I'll do like a five bucks offer PKA and come out to Comedy Juice. Next week in LA, we have Jessalynick on it. It's always like a superstar-studded show. Yeah, last night, Craig Robinson stopped in at the end and just did karaoke with the audience. There's always crazy shit that happens there. One week, Craig Robinson and Wanda Sykes came in together and did karaoke at the end of the show. It was nuts.

That's cool. Good times. Yeah, we have footage of them singing Bismarck. It's pretty great. Yeah, but anyway, check out all my social media. Keep coming out and see the show. I love when I see PKA gear in the crowd. And, you know, I'll do a discount on the sub. Very

cool. Sounds good. Alright. PKA 424.