Painkiller Already - Painkiller Already #426

Episode Date: February 22, 2019

On this week's PKA, there's no Woody this week but our good pal Tucker comes in to fill and boy do the fellas really knock it out of the park this week, a true 1%er with nonstop laughs. Kyle tries to get some of his girlfriends to try puke play with him, and then he goes into a deep dive, sharing many stories from his brief time inside a Georgia jail. You're not gonna want to miss this show!

pka 426 with our guest tucker kyle few sponsors tonight a bay uh goat.com smart mouth of course express vpn get quip.com and movement we'll talk about those guys later on the show but yeah woodyless show tonight thank god wood in the house well i don. We might not have wood, but we have boner now. So we still have some wood there. Oh, yeah. We got those blue chews. We all ate four blue chews before the show. Raging erections for all of us.

Oh, guess what blue chew sent me just in time for Valentine's Day tomorrow? Tell me. My next shipment. Fuck yeah. All right. Hard talks all around. Oh, yeah. I saw people on our subreddit being like, you know,

be careful, maybe dick pills aren't that great for you as a young guy. Don't let anyone tell you how hard your dick should be, people. Your dick should be as hard as you want. I identify as someone whose dick is hard all the time. Anyone who says that is an incel fucking virgin

pussy boy, okay? Tell him. He's like, oh oh i don't want your cock to be any harder it's hard enough as it is you'll get already pushy no i see harder better faster because that's what these incels sound like that they're german okay your cock isn't hard enough already hans the cock is huge look at it it. It's huge. Yeah. But anyway, having a hard dick is great.

I agree. Yeah. Nobody likes a flaccid dick. No. Imagine watching porn and they're pushing rope. It's like... That's what I dislike most about ancient Greek culture

is none of those wonderful sculptures have them erect. It's all little baby bitch flaccid penises. They're little teeny, teeny penis. I think that was because back in the day they're like they were like it was unsightly put a big dick on there that looks ridiculous you want to you want people to focus on their abs and those those those beautiful chiseled buttocks and that oh the the back you know bring oh god i'm getting horny bring me one of my boys

you know and then they would bring yes that That's what it was. I was watching a video about the most evil popes of all time. They had a top ten list. And one of these popes had commissioned one of the great artists, I don't remember which one, Michelangelo or someone like that, to do all of these paintings, all these paintings

in his villa. And all these paintings in his villa of young boys in sexual positions basically child porn he had one of the great artists of history make child porn for his house i want to know was child porn wrong back in the back in the day you know what i mean fucking boys wrong and fucking boys the pope was wrong i think that was the main thing and that's why he made it to number three on evil popes okay he's gonna say oh go ahead no i was just gonna say what happened what's what was number one if number three oh my god the number one evil pope had like strangled his sister to death and

like murdered his uncle who was the pope before him or some shit like it was murder in he had also fucked his daughter because he had a daughter which was a little odd he also fucked his daughter, because he had a daughter, which was a little odd. He was fucking his daughter. It was rape, murder, incest, intrigue. It sounded like the makings of a great HBO series, if I'm being honest. Dude, popes used to be so cool. Fucking badass.

And now this pope is just tolerant and accepting of everything. Yeah, like if a pope isn't getting angry, I don't believe that he's really... You don't believe he's a real one? I don't believe he's a real one.

You know, because God's angry all the time and his vessel on earth should be angry. I agree. And to your point about the child porn mural that apparently

Pope No. 7th worst had, my thing was gonna be, oh, it wouldn't be bad because child porn now is you have to actually film kids being molested. That's true. No, no, no, no.

But back in the day, if they were painting it, but then I came around again and was like, they always had models for that. And so they were watching a live scene of kids being molested. And these paintings took just months. Boy! Can you imagine? It's like, what are you doing? I'll throw your asshole more for Mr. Mystique. You're not quite as far in as you were yesterday.

Can you push yourself into, you know? I noticed that the boy's buttocks hasn't prolapsed this eve. And last eve, it was prolapsed severely. Now this is going to mess with Michelangelo's flow. It's not even 5 p.m. I don't want to think about prolapsed child asshole. Yeah, that's gross, Kyle. This is the NPR of YouTube. Where we talk soft and we're very educated.

Hi, welcome to PKA episode. I'm Dianne Sawyer. Welcome to Ancient Child Porn, I'm your host, Stevie Willoughby. Hello, Stevie. And today we're gonna talk quietly about how the Greeks raped little boys. And hey, you know what? It ended up with democracy and a lot of cool statues, so it can't be all bad. We have noted child porn enthusiast, Willem Kokstroker, up here. He's the gentleman in green. That's not true.

He's the gentleman in green. What age not true. He's the gentleman in green. What age do you think a boy is ripened? I don't like where this is going, but NPR is made possible by viewers like you. If you could just donate to our program, it would be great. Thank you. Yes, yes. It's very expensive. Our legal fees are outrageous.

It's just this one segment. It's weird. We could cut the segment, but that's just taking the easy way out. Yes, absolutely. That's feeding into those people out there who denigrate us. Child abuse. The pros and cons. Now, we have Michael Jackson,

who is a very talented musician. Prolific. If Joe hadn't beaten him savagely and chemically castrated him, he wouldn't have come out with that wonderful music. That's right. Papa Joe is the one who deserves it. And the biggest con against it is children really don't seem to like it. They protest.

But some of us like that. You know? I call it playing hard to get. All right. We'll come back to this later. We'll circle back. We'll circle back. When you went to go pee right before we started, Kyle,

Tucker was telling us that because, like, right at four hours, Tucker's got to peace out. Where are you headed tonight, Tucker? I received an invite to go, initially to go to dan bilzerian's house um unaware that what it would be was in fact an ignite cannabis uh twitch stream sponsored event thing so i'm now going and maybe promoting this or whatever the hell but i was just like i'm gonna go to dan bilzerian's house because i want to see what that's like. You know, I want to go on a tour here, but yeah, no, I guess they're doing like a Twitch live stream every week or like three times a week now. And they're trying

to promote their CBD oil. So, um, while I'm doing that, you're getting prosecuted by the federal government. So yeah, good luck with that. I I'm sure, I'm sure you'll, you'll have no issues there. You're in California, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm in California. Lucky you. Wait, is it just a CBD conference, or are they selling real deal weed? I don't know.

It's not even a conference. It's literally a house party. I have no idea. Like, I have no expectations. I just thought it was a pre-Valentine's Day party. So I was like, great. Pre-Valentine's Day, I'm going to go. And then I realized it said sponsored by Ignite, which I was like, oh, there's billboards everywhere.

It's his weed company. He's like a found whatever he is. I'm assuming that it's going to be half of the entire modeling capital of Los Angeles there walking around with free weed. I have no idea. I've never been to a weed party. I don't know what the fuck.

I'm guessing there's going to be some weed there. I'd be willing to bet there's marijuana there. Try to stay away from that. You're a young man. That is the devil's lettuce. It makes you schizophrenic. It does. And murderous. Nancy Grace explained this. It can make you homicidal.

It can make you what Hillary Clinton refers to. It's supposed that Chris Benoit was smoking marijuana before the event. That's true. It actually wasn't the traumatizing head damage. It was marijuana that caused him to murder his family. Up next, I'm going to exploit the death of a young girl for money. Yes, Natalie Holloway's segment is coming up next.

But be careful around that devil's lettuce. It'll turn you into what Hillary Clinton refers to as a super predator. Your skin will darken, okay? Your eyelids will go from the sides. You'll become a snake. You'll start getting fast twitch muscle fibers growing all over your body, okay? This sounds like a performance enhancing drug the way you're talking about it. Evil performances, okay?

Super predators roaming our streets we need legislation oh you know they should they should label they should label people who use steroids in the ufc pedophiles they should resident pedophile. Anderson the Spider Silva, known pedophile, lost his most recent bout because no one was fucking trying. That would really slow down on substance abuse. People doing it right if you had to be called a pedophile.

Yeah, if they told you that you're a pedophile after it, man. So many good ideas. I'm jotting this down. Well, that's going to be a great time. Dana, I got an idea, bud. How do I get this to you? I'm just writing down pedophile idea with two stars next to it.

I'll remember. I'm sure this can't be misconstrued when somebody looks at your notepad later i like i'll like bring notes around with me throughout the week for like little funny things like or like questions or topics i'll think of for pka and then by the time i like sit down with my piece of paper i'm like what in the world did i mean by most of this yeah i have to write a full explanation because there was a time when i would sort of write in my own shorthand and i'd go back to it later and i'd be like this needs to be destroyed this is evidence at this point

fucking man so do you know anybody else who's going to the bilzerian party yeah i know like i i got invited through like a uh an agency company that i that i work with and then a couple friends are going too so we'll see what happens but i know for a fact they're streaming it i mean i'm not gonna fucking advertise for them but like i'm just curious to see what are you it's a party so like are you gonna have a static camera of the people walking around you need a cameraman like like yeah you need somebody walking around and he needs a guy ahead of him looking for good shit because if you just look randomly like hey guys what's going on here and they're like get the fuck out of here

you need a guy who's like ahead of him like hey guys we're gonna bring the cameraman over let's let's liven it up a little bit put Put the cocaine away. We are in Los Angeles. And that young boy there. Let's get him into the back room. Room number three. I'll be with him in a moment. And come on over, Davey. Come on over.

Yeah, yeah. Shoot around the boy. Shoot around the boy. Yeah. That sounds like it's going to be a great time. Tell Mr. Bilzerian I said hello. I will. I haven't seen him in a couple years.

I will. He's a fun guy yeah so i mean from like my only experience with him is through his instagram i mean i or twitter whatever you want to call it so it always he's always doing things whatever they may be there's always something going on in his life he's an actual businessman like like when you if you meet him get to speak to him or whatever like you'll see that he's uh he's a lot more toned down than you might think he's like some goofy like yeah we're just having so much fun kind of guy but he's more like i think he's calculated calculated is yeah he's a he's a poker he's a uh he's a poker player like that's how he got his like a lot of his money

or whatever the hell right so he did very well in poker and and another a number of other things you know he'd come up with these ideas he'd be like what do i love i love women how do poker and a number of other things. You know, he'd come up with these ideas. He'd be like, what do I love? I love women. How do I get a lot of women in one place? I know what I'll do. I'll have a bikini contest. And so he has a bikini contest. Well, now what do you get?

A dozen of the hottest women that your one million Instagram followers can muster. Now he's got them. Well, now what do I do? Well, I do have a plane. Let's fly him down to the Bahamas. Well, now that I've got them here and I've fucked them all, what do I do next? Let's photograph them for a calendar and sell it. And then it'll

pay for all of this, plus make me a couple hundred grand more. Profit. And he gets to fuck them. Oh, that's a given. He does enjoy consensual sex on the regular it would seem. Yeah, yeah. Consensual sex is the coolest kind of sex, kids. I have a shirt that says it.

Consent is sexy. Consent forms are very sexy. When a girl, I get a girl in my room and I show her addendum to be, and she has to initial twice, hell yeah. When she sees Patel, my notary, step into the room,

it's go time. Your my notary step into the room it's go time your notary comes in hello i understand that you are here to mr meyers uh if you could initial here here here and all right enjoy the penetration and definitely fill out the nda he is into some fleeky shit. Yes, yes, yes. No talkie talkie. Can you imagine? Think of how much that would suck. Like, I thought the consent form thing was kind of like a meme for a while. But then I kind of realized after some story came up where it was like a famous person got accused of molesting someone.

And then they proved that they had a consent form filled out. It was like, goddamn, fucking as a famous person? It'd be nice because you can get whoever you want, but it also must kind of suck. What's the hockey player, the Yagrum Vlovlier guy? Oh, Yarmir Yagur. Yeah, I was close enough, right? Where that 19-year-old hot chick takes a picture,

like a selfie of him snoring in bed behind her after he clearly fucked her. And she's like, if you don't give me $10,000, I'll tell everyone that you fucked me. And he's like, I don't fucking care. Tell them. Tell everybody. I already have told most of the team. I mean, they all know. She spilled the beans and the resounding thing throughout the hockey fan community was like, hell yeah, Jaromir. Nice, Jaromir. He's such a boss. He's from the Czech Republic. He played in the NHL until he was like 46.

And then they're like, alright, you gotta retire. You can't play here anymore. And he's just like, well, I own a team in the Czech Republic, and so I'll always have a first-line spot there. And so he just fucking leaves, and now he's playing on his own team. That's great. I bet he's loving life. That sounds like a guy who's got it

like all mapped out and figured out. He's got your approach. No wife ever. No children ever. You just, now he's probably sitting on like 200 mil gonna do whatever he wants. Nothing to hold you down.

Can't do a lot with that in the Czech Republic. Probably need another 200 more, you know. $200 would have done it in the Czech Republic. I mean, yeah. What would you even spend your fucking nice dinner is like 37 dollars like what are you like what are you using that money for i have no idea you're right yeah what about the other 199 million i don't know in the czech republic you're gonna need someone to protect you and all that goddamn money right like you're probably need some Security is the Czech Republic in the EU I Don't fucking know who is and isn't in the EU. I don't know either

I was just cuz if he is he could just traipse around Europe and fuck prostitutes all over You know I guess he still could he's rich They don't have legalized prostitution in most of those countries I think you want to stay like you can look at that in the eastern bloc some of those former russian uh former soviet republic but isn't that what the czech republic is oh yes exactly you get all of those blue-eyed blonde hair chicks are like six feet tall and and are used to like milking cows all day oh those the grip on those bitches it's czech uh yeah i was gonna say i i didn't know i once called it czechoslovakia and and i got very very a lot of very vocal people i don't know like i can't keep it up you know what i mean

yeah that's why you need bluetooth yeah so i have a a little bit of a uh well it's a reddit post that i that i read the other day and i saved it and despite saving it it got deleted because it was so controversial. So I had to employ one of my friends, DJ. Shout out to DJ. Dajerol. Not really sure how to pronounce your name. I'm going to call you Dajerol.

And he linked me to this thing called Removed Edit. It doesn't matter. It's a thing where you have all of Reddit stockpiled, I guess. So I'm going to read this to you, okay? I'm going to own your feedback on this. Wait, I'm sorry. It logs deleted comments? Yeah, logs deleted posts for sure.

And there are comments attached. I'll link it to you after I read it. I, this is in their, I think, relationship or something like that. I, a 24-year-old male. I think my girlfriend, a 22 year old female and my little sister, a 15 year old female had sex with me when I was half passed out. So my girlfriend and I have been together for four years living together. The last two last weekend, we were visiting her family for birthday celebrations. And since they live two hours from us, and since there would be alcohol consumptions,

we spent the night there in my girlfriend's old room. At some point during the evening, I realized I had had too much to drink. Went to bed. My girlfriend helped me up to her room and to bed and said she would come join me later. Then I fell asleep, only to be awoken by my girlfriend sitting on top of me having sex. He had some blue chew. It was pitch black in the room. said she would come join me later. Then I fell asleep, only to be awoken by my girlfriend sitting on top of me having sex. He had some blue chew. It was pitch black in the room, and I wasn't completely awake.

Super cool story so far. And still really drunk. That's rape, by the way. He got raped. He doesn't count. He's a man. Who cares? I remember noticing that she felt lighter

and smaller than she normally does, but didn't think much of it. Afterwards, I drifted back to sleep. When I woke up the next morning, my girlfriend was next to me in bed, and I told her that that was nice drunken sex last night, but she just laughed at me and said I had been out cold when she went to bed, and that I must have been dreaming. Now, I know 100% that I did not dream it.

And also, you can kind of tell if you had sex that recently i didn't mention anything more to my girlfriend because i was terrified still i am her her little sister is 15 or it's his little sister 2016 this year she was in the house that night her room is on the same floor as my girlfriend's room. We drove home later that day, and I haven't said a word to her since. I don't know what to do. I absolutely will not risk my relationship as I love my girlfriend so much,

but I'm terrified that this will come out later. Is that it? He doesn't even ask a question? He doesn't even know? He's just laying it out there. This is what happened. Oh, man. So he was laying there just you know dick somehow gets to like you know 68 enough for it to work you know and then she's a smaller person is riding him then she you know it does seem like his sister fucked him.

I don't know. I'm more like, I think he just got really drunk and did dream. Like, all right, let's just hazard a guess that his dick worked. He had some blue chew and he ate it. He was force fed it, right? Popped it up. However, yeah, right? Just to be so incoherently out of it that you like sort of wake up during sex and then go back to sleep during the same sex how like how drunk do you

have to be i don't think he means asleep so much as like maybe there's some memory loss involved you know because like if you get super crazy blackout drunk like you can remember like fragments of it but the deal is that your brain literally isn't writing. Did he even smell his dick that morning? That's what I... No, he said you can kind of tell. You can absolutely tell. It's not hard. So I don't think...

No, no, no. What he means is when he pissed the next day, he had definitely fucked. He did not just smell his dick. Yeah, you just smelled the pussy. How long is your dick that you just smell the pussy how long is your dick that you're just like yeah what you can't just like i don't just like get a little smell put your hand down there and then smell your hand and be like ah that smells like i had sex last night it doesn't have to be a stinky vagina but there is a vagina smell after you fuck yeah

i don't i have never smelled my dick before uh i'm gonna to be honest. And as proud as I am of my cock, it is not long enough to pull up to my nose and smell after coitus. No one does that. Put your legs over your head, you know, and then it's right there in your face. What I do is I put myself, I stay back, and then I just put some of my dick in my mouth

and I go Oh, yeah, that tastes like pussy. That tastes like my sister's pussy. That is familial twat. I suck my dick. Yeah, I suck my dick to completion to see if I nut an acceptable

load and if I don't, then I know I had sex. Yeah. That's smart. I would suck it if i could i don't i don't have i have no shame there i jerk it off already like what we're supposed to have these these shame-free hand jobs but a little head is supposed to be over the line i think everybody thinks that where they're like if i could suck my own dick i would but you're not thinking of the fact that like it's going to be a lot more it's going to be way more similar to suck in the dick than it is getting your dicks up yeah

you have to suck your you have to suck your dick right and that's a lot more work than being like i'm enjoying a couple of nancy's you boys are i guarantee let's let's get a pole rolling out you don't like sucking dick you suck all the dicks i'll suck every dick that i see if you think it did not to. But I'm saying that like, even if you could do it, let's just say you could do whatever the hell you wanted to do. And you could suck your own dick to your heart's content.

I still believe that you would be like, this is just not worth it. Like jerk yourself off. It's just, it's lazy. Like you, it's one handed. Like I can do everything else.

I can do math while doing it, but like sucking my own dick, there's a lot going on in there. I the women that can suck yeah good dick are you gonna come in your own mouth absolutely i'm blowing that load all up in there by the way if you're if you're if you're out there and you're a fan of this sort of talk uh two subreddits you might want to check out uh r auto fellatio and r self suck on Self Suck, they're more into the tutorial business. They'll teach you a few stretching... Oh, this has got to be fucking hilarious.

Yeah. They'll not only teach you... Oh, yeah, yeah. I can absolutely link. Yeah, let's get this picture saved right here. Oh, Self Suck. Which one's funnier? Self Suck has training tips.

Oh, that's funnier. You must be 18. Of course I'm 18. Come on. Oh, you know, I should have known this would be a lot of pictures of guys sucking their own what did you think it was going to be i thought it was going to be tutorials there are tutorials in the sidebar oh i should have gone to incognito what are you repulsed by

i just like it wasn't i just wasn't fucking i don't know what I expected to open it to it's just previews of this dude's asshole oh if you go to all time on self suck and you go to number four a dude is like this is my technique and he's pulled his legs so far

back that he's locked them behind his head and he's pushing forward on his own head down onto his penis. Oh, man. These guys have the moves. Look at this. This one guy, the guy that you were complaining about his butthole, if you scroll down a little, he fingers. The title is Hole is Twitching is the title. Oh, yeah.

See? He's enjoying himself. Well, this is just a picture of his butthole. I don't know why we get this angle no he is he is in fact finger fingering his own asshole well nothing wrong with that it's just one finger you bigot okay i'm not i'm just i mean two thousand there are two thousand subs here or subscribers here 2.66K. So we're three of them. Maybe Chiz is four, right?

So there's eight people in the subreddit. Watching right now. I'm taking notes diligently. Are women allowed to be featured here is the number one post. And you know what? I'm going to upvote that. Yeah. If you've never seen a woman lick her own pussy, then, oh, forget licking their own.

I've seen a woman lick her own pussy before then, oh, forget licking their own. I've seen a woman lick her own pussy before. I've got to delete my browsing history. Now, that link I dropped there, you might think, those of you listening in, here at NPR self-suck segment, you might be wondering, is my penis large enough to suck it? Now, the big question we're all wondering, is it appropriating gay culture to suck your own dick? Yes, yes, it is. We've got Ned Anderson. we received no government funding and here yeah the factory overlords do not command us so yes you can autofillate with a smaller than average cock i was trying to find like a funny

story on here and the top one on autofillatio is my first success and i was like oh maybe a funny little short story this is pages of him describing himself sucking his own dick yeah pages of it like you got to think that it took him longer to write that than it would be to suck his own dick like he wrote he wrote this in detail. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yes, he's our lead correspondent here at NPR Self Suck segment. NPR Self Suck. This guy's 5'5".

Oh, cock length. 6.75 inches in between 5 and 5.5 circumference at the thickest part. I'm not circumcised. I'm 5'5", and I'm close to 160. He's 30 years old five and five and a half circumference at the thickest part i'm not circumcised i'm five foot five and i'm closer to i'm close to 160 he's 30 years old and still hasn't given up on his dream to suck his own dick dude this is like the fucking yeah he's like sitting on santa's lap

it's like what do you want well i just really want to suck my own dick by 30 but i won't give up he like crab walks in there i can't give up any mobility i have to do this oh this dirty bastard is fucking like there's so many i you would think that there's only one way to suck your own dick but there are clearly multiple techniques here there's not so if one doesn't work for you you should try the others i. I find the guys who sit up more aesthetically pleasing, frankly. And then the legs like... The inversion technique as it's known. But then it's easier to cum on your face.

It is. You can get a full load. Yeah, going. Yeah. See, look at these couple paragraphs, how this guy tries to seem like more normal. This is just jumping in. He goes, I've tried to love drinking my cum.

After years of jerking off upside down into my own face or mouth while trying to suck myself, cumming into my mouth, or to a lesser extent, onto my face, has been a huge turn-on for a long time. Although it has always been the anticlimactic compromise for a long session of attempting to reach my cock with my own mouth. I've never just finished into my mouth while regularly masturbating. It is only when I'm trying to suck to myself. of attempting to reach my cock with my own mouth. I've never just finished into my mouth while regularly masturbating. It is only when I'm trying to suck to myself after an hour or so of stretching and breathing hard and getting so worked up and horny that I stopped being grossed out

by the idea of shooting it into my mouth and end up wanting it. However, however, however, I'm not someone who can ejaculate into a cup, pop it in the fridge and drink it later and get off on it.

That shit freaks me out. And I can't see myself getting to that point. Someone who can ejaculate into a cup, pop it in the fridge, and drink it later and get off on it. That shit freaks me out. And I can't see myself getting to that point. But if you get off on that, then kudos to you. This guy with a straight face, probably not a straight face, probably looking like he has some spinal problem because of all this stretching, is telling people, I don't see how you could get to the point of wanting to drink your cum out of a cup in the refrigerator. I didn't know there was gatekeeping for cum in your mouth. Like, there's gatekeeping for everything, right? That's so fucking funny.

I will not degrade myself to sipping not-fresh semen out of my- Now, as a 30-year-old man who's been trying to suck his own dick since the Bush administration. Now, I'm no weirdo when my wife goes out of town i do an hour of stretching and limbering up before i try and fillet myself just like the rest of you but to put cum in a cup in the fridge and drink it what do you think i am a freak let alone those cum sickle freaks the ones who freeze multiple loads into a condom until it's penis shaped and then fillet that just fucking use your hand you maniacs just jack off i'm just can you imagine like you know when you take too long to like jack off and you're trying to get tired and go to bed or something and you

need that extra oomph to to get you to fall asleep faster like you want to do that pretty quick if you take too long doing that you're like when, when you finish, like what the fuck? I could have gotten extra few minutes of sleep. If I just knocked this out quicker. Yeah. How much regret do you have after an hour of limbering up before every time you need to jack off? And, and,

and are you telling me that I, I'm pretty sure that I've, you know, maybe it's like my old 4chan days or whatever, but like, I'm pretty sure that there was multiple instances where people were paralyzed trying to suck their own dick and then you have to call for help because if you think about it like that never once happened no that's hilarious i choose to believe paralysis from sucking on dick no you're like riding around and they're like wow are you an

astrophysicist too wait here we go i tried to suck my own penis and it didn't work out yeah today i fucked up by sucking my own dick and having a stroke one year old i had no idea i was so good at giving dome oh shit he blew himself into a stroke. All right, here, I'll read this. All right. Today I fucked up by sucking my own dick and having a stroke. All right, so there's this other post about this guy getting poisoned,

but I've got something better for you, and my girlfriend thinks it's funny. So when I was about 12, I discovered that I'm quite flexible and sometimes would polish my own schlong for the sake of why not? I'm really flexible, so I can give myself a decent blowjob. I've been thinking it can't be healthy for me neck though But BJ is good and whatnot until this year as my body decides to age it all this guy Where the fuck is he from until this year as my body decides to age it? Also decides that I can't handle all those blood pressure issues that it caused myself If I've been like that my head feels real heavy and stuff and I can't hear all those blood pressure issues that I just caused myself. If I bend like that, my head feels real heavy and stuff, and I can't hear, so it

does wonders for my blood pressure. I started getting issues that would get worse progressively, starting with that ploppa and getting the dizziness. That'd be much better if I didn't do it for a while, but I refuse to believe that if I abandoned my amazing hobby for the sake of my health, how bad could it get anyways? So last time I did it, I felt dizzy and this

headache, and then sometime later, some days, I get this massive headache that's real bad. And when I move my head up and down and stuff, hospitals led to more hospitals and turned out I had a hemorrhage stroke at the age of 19. Being pretty healthy and not having habits about it could lead to it. I haven't told my doctor

about this, but I'll definitely abandon my habits for the sake of saving my brain. I'm paralyzed in one side of my body anyways, so it would be a difficult thing to do so he stroked himself into paralysis so you've gone from two hands and a mouth to beat off to just one hand but no but he said when he was 12 so he had seven full years of blowing loads in his mouth would you trade half of your body's functionality to nut in your mouth for seven years. Yes It's like a monkey's paw wish like I just want to be able to come in a mouth for seven years And then you're just I didn't

Yeah, now when I kill face, I can't even feel most of it. I always come on the dead side. Somehow it's not as humiliating. I mean, it doesn't even feel like my face. What I do is I take my dead hand and I grasp it with my good one. Formally grasp it with my good one. Firmly grasp it! There's got to be somebody out there with some kind of numbness on one side and they do use their dead hand to beat off. Yeah, just a little bit of numbness.

I mean, that's like the whole thing with strangers. Like when you sit on your hand and it goes numb and you do it, right? Now who had the last laugh? That guy's going to be giving fucking speeches in 20 years. You know, I used to feel so bad for myself for sucking my dick and losing half of my functionality. But now I realize I'm lucky. Because if I work really hard and I believe in myself,

I can still get the tip in. It won't be worth it until I lose all function. And then he's like, now I just have my handlers maneuver my broken and ruined body to put my penis into my mouth.

Oh my God. I would make up that I got attacked or that I was hit by a car or that something happened. Cause there's no fucking way that I'm telling people that I got, I stroked out because I was trying to suck my own dick. In the war. Like you just, I just try to think of him like doing like a university tour about the

dangers of autoillatio. He was about to go onto the stage, and the guy with the fucked up voice is like, tough crowd. You didn't go wild for stomas, but how about this guy? Good luck following that one, asshole. Oh, fuck. That was great. These are two of the funniest

subreddits I've seen. Of course there are two different ones devoted to sucking your own dick. And they butt heads, I'm sure, with one another. It's like Free Folk and Game of Thrones subreddits. They have different avenues, different ways of looking at self-sucking,

self-flating, blowing yourself. Is there a top shit subreddit or weird niche subreddits? For what? Really weird shit? I'm sure Chiz could find stuff for us oh yeah i've got a ton like like what subject uh more subjects about their own dicks well that's about it that's about it yeah this this is this is my this is my home court the odd sexual subreddits you know like like what do you want to know about it it just depends i just want to know about things that you want to know about? It just depends. I just want to know about

things that I didn't know about. Upsetting or interesting? Like, there's a whole subreddit on the Amazon sexual position where the man puts his legs behind his head and the woman and his dick goes down and the woman humps him, right? Yeah, the Amazon position.

I didn't know that's what it was called. I'm not flexible enough for that. Oh, you are. Yeah. You are. My dick is not flexible for that. Yeah. I wouldn't want my legs all the way back here.

And no, I'm just saying like, yeah, almost that straight out. It's not, it's not, I don't think, I don't see how that would hurt.

Almost. If I'm picturing it in my head, I should probably look it up and see what we're talking about. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Look up the Amazon position. So, here, I'll find it.

Let's see if inflation has one. That's a funny fetish. Oh, yeah, I know all about inflation. Yeah, and... Wait, is that inflation in general? Like the cum inflation? Oh, what? This is just a subreddit about inflation and deflation as something that you can do.

Not as a sexual thing. Vore is a weirdly, almost not, I'm not going to say, you know how you have like tiers of niche, of kink, right? Oh, look at this one. Look at this one. Oh, Vore, yeah, this is the one where you eat people what the wait that's how you get carpet burn ladies and gentlemen that is how you get carpet burn dude this looks really uncomfortable i was like nobody looks like they're having fun here woof she does she's having a ball yeah i'm but he has to like keep his his legs elevated like he's got he's doing a lot of work yeah yeah this is not a soy boy position right here you gotta you

gotta have been doing some some crunches some shoulder work yeah i like the lats i have back there on the back of that couch yeah i wish I wish I could link this for the listeners. I mean, it's newpixclub.blogspot.com forward slash 2019 forward slash 02 forward slash reverse dash Amazon dash position dot HTML. Someone will work that out and link that to you guys, I'm sure. She is really enjoying herself. Dude, on this Vore subreddit,

the idea that someone is masturbating to a cartoon woman being eaten by the t-rex from jurassic park is just too funny but yeah not only that but i'm saying that like in on like the tiers of things that have come up in conversation like vor is like on the level with like scat right like there are very there are people that like this there's more than a dozen people that are like, this is for me. No, I disagree. Alright, I'll make it real clear. Your wife, okay, the woman you're going to spend the rest of your life with, she's going to be into

one of two things. Vore or scat. We all have the same answer. Oh. Yeah, but that's because one of these things isn't going to fucking happen. In real life, I'm bigger than that. She's going to want you to dress up as Pikachu and crawl while she lords over you

like the 50-foot-tall woman and stomps around and goes, fee-fi-fo-fum or some shit. No, Vora's where you want to eat people. Yeah, she's going to pretend like she's going to eat you. In the fuck? She's going to take chunks. She might bite you and take a chunk.

Okay, well... This is Ginny from Harry Potter and the Basilisk. Ooh, that's fucking hot. It's like an otherwise thing that could be like, I could be like, oh, okay, like nice artwork, but then she's just inside the basilisk's throat. Just ignore the basilisk, though. I'm liking everything else I see. That's a big old ass on Ginny.

I never saw that in the show. I was going to say, I ain't never seen an ass like that on Ginny. But the basilisk is the whole crux of this picture. Just ignore the basilisk's throat that she is entombed with. There's a lot. I searched top all time, and there's three in the top ten that are basilisk oriented. I bet they're more just like

Harry Potter oriented. You know, they like Harry Potter people. I have the best one. This one's it and we're never... Okay, well, I'm not linking any... She's eating... I had one Woody crying emote wait basilisk

all right well i don't even want to here i'm just gonna link the i don't know how to explain it's just somebody eating someone with their ass i guess that counts as vor ass eating like all right let's see i'm just like i don't oh yeah she's just swallowing someone with her butthole oh no it's literal ass-eating the person is up to not to their waist up to their knees within this woman's ass and you might think she is worried about this no no no she is smiling and she is excited and she didn't even take the bitch's shoes off no the shoes and stockings are still in place she has a grin of and she's very happy she has horns and if you look at what she's leaning against it's a school locker that's an

underage she's in school eating somebody with her ass hole yeah yeah yeah which. Yeah. Which weight and look at the size, like, which leads you to believe the person being eaten is like from kindergarten because like, just she's at a normal locker. There's scale involved. I asked Taylor one time, I was like,

what's the most amount of fingers you ever put in a girl? And he went up. All of them. Why you ask? You asked. I know, I appreciated your honesty. Wait, like, even thumbs, too? Yeah, with a little fisting, yeah. Yeah, but you said all of them, so, like...

Oh, no, not dueling. All on one hand. Hey, come here, little bitch. Why don't you actually get him, like, an Irish boxer? He's about to get a little rough. It's a blender. You go in there and you just... Why, we call that a Dublin double.

Oh, you're going to be seeing rainbow stars after this one. Yeah. Fucking going in there. No, one at a time. You need that other free hand for other things, but what's the largest thing you ever put in a lady's lady's butthole in her butthole uh my dick i mean i've never put a foreign object in a woman's asshole i uh boo boo i i had a young lady over the other evening and if you're listening to steer don't worry i would never say your name or anything cla Claire. And I pulled one device from her rear end,

and I decided I was going to replace it with another that was quite a bit larger. And she didn't say no. I mean, she was trying to escape. I'll give her that. I mean, I'm much stronger. Definitely. And I'm trying to force this plug.

She says, oh, that's part of the fantasy, it's consent. I'm trying to get this plug into her rear end and she ends up upside down on the floor. She has crawled out of the bed trying to escape, but I am persistent. I've got one arm wrapped around her waist um like like around the back and she's like face down and i'm like getting it in and finally it goes in and she's just like ah that one was huge and it was it was it was about this big i would say it

was a large uh uh plug of a. But it wasn't a foreign object. It was foreign to her. Okay, okay. I just, like, I thought we were talking about, like, egg. It didn't come from Japan or anything. I don't know. Hard-boiled egg. I don't know.

Just getting freaky. No, it was a butt plug. It was a squishy one, though. I normally prefer stainless steel because that's the best. But this one was silicone or something. And the problem with silicone is it doesn't maintain the lubrication sometimes it can be hard to remove and that is what happened next because she was waddling toward the bathroom trying because she and and it was so big that she couldn't pee it was so big in her butt she couldn't pee and i found this hilarious

and after a few minutes she comes out of the bathroom. And I'm like, how'd it go? And she's like, I need help. Really? She's like, I think I'm bleeding. And I'm like, oh, gross. So what can I help with? She's like, you got to get it out. And I'm like, you can't get it out on your own.

She's like, well, you put it in there. I'm like, that's a good point. That's a really She's like, well, you put it in there. I'm like, that's a good point. That's a really good point. I did in fact do that. Touche. So I'm sitting on the bed and she like reverses back to me and I grabbed the back of this thing like this, like with two hands and start,

like pulling it out and she's like, and finally, and blood sprays all over my hands. And I'm just like, oh, now I become the pussy. Now I'm the biggest pussy in the whole room. Because women deal with blood their entire lives from time to 13. I'm a pussy when it comes to blood. It's not supposed to come out of that hole. Yeah.

I have it all over the backs of my hands. And I'm just like, all right, we got it out of you. Okay, you're okay. And I'm thinking, like, gotta wash my hands, gotta wash my hands. Are you doing okay? You know, you feeling all right? She's like, yeah, I think I'm going to be okay. I'm going to go back and I'm going to wash my hands, gotta wash my hands. All right. Well just, you know, go in there and make sure you're okay. Gotta wash my hands, gotta wash my hands. As soon as she goes in there, I rush off to the other bathroom and I'm fucking, I'm like, umole blood I'm like Jack Nicholson and as good as it gets with that scalding water and the gold soap like switch bars like wiping this this stuff off

she showed me her butthole like the next day and it was black and blue I bruised her butthole so that actual butthole the ring the ring i bruised her you blew her o-ring out all right that's that's going a little too far there was no like extreme ripping there was a bit of tearing though it would seem you said it sprayed blood all over your hands well because when it popped it probably brought it was a vacuum so there was a lot of blood you know accumulated there was a vacuum in place and and there was just quite a lot of blood and uh and i felt pretty bad and the next day she was like ah look at my butthole it's all black and blue and i was like sorry we won't do that again i might be might be as much blood as from another jack

nicholson movie the shining there you go where it pours out remember when the elevator opens jack nicholson movie the shining there you go where it pours out remember when the elevator opens and that claire you've got the best butthole from here to portland oregon just get away yeah i'm not gonna plug your i'm gonna bash it in with this baseball bat give me the bat that's a good one don't do that kids always use stainless steel plugs they go in easy they come out easy

I didn't know the metal tip silicone might seem like a good idea it's squishy and it seems like the softer way to do a bit of anal play. But here at NPR, we always recommend that you use stainless steel plugs with a nice lubricant. We prefer petroleum-based lubricants, such as... What's my favorite lubricant again? What is it?

Wet platinum. Wet platinum. Yes, always wet platinum. You ever try fuck water fuck water um is that real yeah it's real it's it's it's it's a water-based lubricant but it's i was just walking around i was like i mean it's good branding i know what it is it's fuck water like it's just straight to the point i don't use water-based lubricants and the name fuck water suggests that it is water-based so water-based Doesn't it get sticky and gummy after a bit of use?

Really? They shouldn't put this in a smart water bottle. It's definitely not as good as a traditional lubricant oil-based. Or petroleum-based. Yeah, oil-based. But, I mean, if you have a part of it that's sensitive, you've got to make compromises. Plus, you can just keep re-upping forever.

I've used wet platinum on some since. I only enjoy sensitive ladies. And I've never had any issues from wet platinum. I find that it's the premier lubricant. I really do. They don't pay us. They should. Those cheap bastards, they really should pay us because we've

sold so much of their product here. I buy so, so much of it. I get the $65, $75 pump bottle every time I order it off of Amazon. That's so aggressive. Yeah. It's saving. You're saving money. I've never had a girl gawk or like,

what's going on over there? When I reach over to the nightstand, I go, clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk go and get a couple pumps of fucking lube but but if you you know you got that little bottle like you're the kid from fucking uh super bad with the spermacidal lube like i don't know click uh she's like oh this guy never gets pussy look at that he's got three ounces of lubricant but she sees me with my my fucking 20 ounce tub of fucking wet platinum that costs dozens of dollars. She knows. This guy. This guy fucks a lot.

I go even further. I spare no expense. I use Kerrygold unsalted. Ah, yes. Pure Irish butter. Pure Irish butter. I wonder how that would work. It works just fine. Probably not as good as you want.

The thing is, it's better for anal play. Because if you use it in a vagina, you're going to end up with some flora. You're going to get yeast and butter. You're going to be pulling something out of your pussy. That's what they say. They say butter for the butt is always best. I heard that. Just now I did.

I'm sure you've all seen a butter churn, right? you've got that you're pumping up and down now if you put butter in a woman's vagina and fuck it for a good long period of time you've made cream and not the good kind you you've you've you've literally made a dairy product inside of her body and it's got bad ph balance in there it's like an olympic pool or actually it's like a public pool where kids peeing in it yeah it's a public pool uh i mean you never know what you could maybe it'll turn out all right i've never gone in afterwards and scooped pussy perfect i i was just about to have a baked potato yeah you got any chives in your ass holding no no bacon bits oh no oh i was too rough oh bacon bits no have you seen those uh those butt plugs that have uh tails oh those are hot yeah i like those i like those so that seems like the way that you dip your toe in the pool of being furry right where

you're like well i don't want to pretend to be a raccoon yet but let's give it a go yeah i know i i get the chick like the the ears that like go on like the little band that's like this and it's like a couple of like little pointy ears fuck it that's cute-ish it's cute as shit and then and then of course i i i secure her thighs to her calves so she could now she can only crawl right just like the bipedal the the quadruped that she's if you know if you if you like the quads yes you find calves you can't you can't crawl then well she kind of waddles i mean i guess that's what i'm going for you ever seen the human centipede i have that's what we're going for. You ever seen the human centipede? I have. That's what we're going for here. Yeah, he's trying to be like dominating. The way I do it with my girl is before sex, I make her sit in the corner and wear a dunce cap.

It's very degrading. I bought a blackboard just for that. Wow. You know, where she has to do the Bart Simpson's bit, right? Like, I am a stupid whore and I won't ever argue again. I'm a stupid whore. Yeah. That ever argue again. I'm a stupid whore. Yeah. That really gets him.

That's a long amount of foreplay. You have to do that a hundred times on the blast. And the trick is, while they're doing that, I'm actually in the bathroom limbering up for a self-suck. But yeah, you know, the anamorphic butt plugs are kind of cute. Yeah, I was going to say, you put the foxtail on the plugs are kind of yeah i was gonna say you put the fox tail on the butt plug i could even be like fine but then as soon as you pop a furry you know what it's 2019 you can fuck in any way you want but i just don't know if i could like mentally like if

you could just like pull down your fursuit like or open your flap what does it what does it even have how do you have sex in those your ass hatch yeah yeah you open your ass hatch and it's just like this is it you're gripping those chick-fil-a mascot thighs and you're just you're in your fucking like cow suit looking down at your hooves getting your ass dressed as a... Chicken is better! Right, bitch. Say it again. Chicken is better! And then it's like a chicken mascot laying back with her pussy out. It's got the eat more chicken sign on it.

Fucking foghorn leghorn over there. I say, I say, you better get down on this car or there's gonna be trouble. Yeah, nothing wrong with any of that. I knew a chick who was really into being degraded. And so I got her a butt plug that was a pigtail. Like the little screw thing. What's that old meme?

Oh yeah, you like that? You like that, you fucking retard? That's what it always means. If I talked to her on the phone, I'd be like, oink like a pig. She's like, wee, wee. Squeal like a pig. I want to hear She's like, oink, oink. No, squeal like a pig. I want to hear you squeal. Oink, oink.

She'd oink for a while. She touched herself with like a pig plug in. And I'm on the other end like, how much longer is it going to be before she gets off? Because this is weird. It was kind of funny. I thought it was like a five minute bit but she just kept going yeah yeah she's she's over there snorting and oinking for quite some time until she finally gets off just leave it on speaker and just have like a you know uh one of those like

pull and spin things where it's like the cow says that's what we're like oh yeah hell yeah he does hon hell yeah he does i'll be your little little veal bitch that's essentially what we were doing i was like yeah then the farmer comes out out there to the pig pen that's where you live isn't it you whore yeah yeah i live in the pig pig because i'm dirty yeah that's right farmer johnson's gonna come out there and take his overalls off he's gonna give it to you in that right you little whore yeah yeah's going to give it to you. Isn't that right, you little whore? Yeah, yeah, he's going to give it to me. Oh, I need to eat my slop first. Wait, wait, what?

Wait, wait, wait a minute. No, let's just get straight. No, no, no. Let's just get straight to the sexy part. I'm going to roll around in my own shit. Let's get right to the part where there's like human pussy involved. No, no.

Yeah, you're going to come out there and you're going to wean me off my piglets, aren't you, Dad? No, I'm not gonna wean you off, wait a goddamn minute, are you an actual pig? Cause that ain't cool, you're a human, right? Do you ever like get so exhausted by stuff, you start asking like actual farmer questions where it's like, yeah, you gonna get your ass

through that gate to the next pasture cause this one's overexposed. Yeah. We got to keep the pH balance in this fescue just right. Ooh, I bet you want organic feed, but I'm giving you corn to fatten you up. That's right, bitch. Get you to market. Table scraps. Table scraps

for you, bitch. Just like Charlotte's web, you whore. Man, what an odd girl. Was she fun in bed? Yeah. Oh, I bet. You wouldn't have stayed with or indulged that. I was going to say, that was a commitment to even get to that point. Did she switch around which animal? Because it seems like she always wanted to be a pig.

Or did you choose the farm animal? I believe that... I don't remember how the pig thing came up, but that was just more of a like, occasionally if we're going to degrade person... I won't say your name, Beth. If we're actually going to, if we're going for that, then like, you know, that was the go to. We're going to, you're going to be a dirty little pig girl now. Yeah.

Like out of all the animals. But more girl than pig, please. This time, please. Like, did you actually step in shit before you came over? Because that ain't cool. I don't like when you root around in my asshole. Eating it is fine, but you're really doing a lot of rooting. I appreciate that you found

all these truffles for me. But we're going too far, honey. You tried truffle hunting. Oh, that would be the funniest fucking thing. You're like, yeah, you ready for today? You worthless little bitch. Put on this leash. and then you just lead it around the forest on all the floors

we're not leaving until you found half of a fucking spackle bucket of truffles you dumb bitch it's like we're not even in France like I can't there's no truffles here we're in Georgia and it's January pigs can't talk babe could whack that'll do pig

that'll do was she a heavier girl and is that why she picked pig no no I think maybe that was part of why it was degrading to her because I think all girls have a worry about their weight you know definitely but she about their weight, you know,

or whatever, but she was, uh, she was fit, you know, and, and, and pretty and,

and, and, and fucked up. If you were going to be a furry type person, what animal would you box? Maybe we've picked that. Oh, we've said this before.

Cause you jumped the fuck right away. Last fucking be a pig. I'll tell you that much. Yeah. No. Yeah. Me and boogie. We're going to be blue foxes together.

No, he's what is, what is boogies? one of choice oh he's a wolf he's a wolfkin oh his uh his fursona oh yeah you know there is a uh professional one of the best fighting game uh players in the world uh echo fox sonic fox he's a blue fucking fox and he wears his he always wears his fursuit to compete and he's accepting that award and i'm just like this gay black furry is just up there in a fursuit accepting his award at a real and award show on on national television this is pinnacle of game like i was thrilled and people got so mad should we watch a little bit of that video maybe even with with the volume off, just so that everyone knows what the fuck we're talking about right now? Is his name SonicFox?

SonicFox. Yeah, excellent. He's just on the ball. Disgustingly good at every fighting game. Yeah, I'm cute at zero here. Yeah. One sec, let me... Yeah, he gets...

Just look at every... I want to say this. Look at everybody's face as he walks down the aisle. Everyone. It is... Yeah. Cheers, because dude. Dude.

All right, I am ready anytime. All right. All right, I'll call it. Three, two, one, play. Okay, and the game award goes to sonic fox everybody so look everybody's like word word word and then the older people as he starts walking they're like what though look at him styling oh he he's loving this he he he runs this shit. He knows exactly oh

My god he walks with his hands like this. Yes He walks like an animal. Yeah Hey look ma. Your shame is incarnate. He just goes, yeah, I'm a furry. And gay. I've never really, really done it for the fame. I kind of just enjoy the rush of beating people up, you know?

I don't know. I'm sure you guys heard the story of uh when i won the ips finale the other thing i don't do this for is for the money because there's none in it one of my closest friends oh my god i'm nervous uh his dad yeah he does a real full a real full speech and then he gets hot and then he takes his mask off is this enough of this you think yeah mean, you got the gist of it. I was just saying. All right, yeah, I'm done with that.

That hurt me. Like, I'm picturing myself as that person's, that fox's mother, and I'm just like, oh, Billy finally is getting some wreckage. Oh, no, no. Oh, no, Bill. See, I wasn't, like, most people who are like familiar with fighting games like he's done this for years so this was not surprising at all so when his name got announced i i literally ran over and opened up twitter and i was like oh boy like let's see people get furious about it somebody

was like i can't believe that gaming is being shown like this and i'm like really like a gay furry guy is like the pinnacle of embarrassment for you as a gamer like this is your one shame as your culture you're just like but this guy i mean it's pretty close right like i mean he's got to be the ambassador for shame as as far as gamers it didn't bother me in this i was like i was so about i was so for because it's like it doesn't bother me at all but it definitely rubs a lot of people the wrong way and he's been so about it for the last like five six years that i'm like is like come on there's been some point see a furry or is that part of his like brand where he just always wears a fox no he literally in the in the in the in the speech is like and i don't know if you notice but i'm i'm

a furry and i'm gay and but no he's like i don't know if he fucks with the suit on which is the only question i have it'd be like if shroud came out in a shroud and he was like uh this is how i get down you know yeah to be a i'm a i'm a ghost in the night that fucks bitches that's that's a stretch wait tucker he would have to be a furry he would have to fuck in the suit because otherwise he's just a mascot. No, I'm pretty sure there's like tears of fuck. I'm pretty sure like there's tears of like, you know how I'm sure there's people that are into scat but don't like getting shit on. Maybe it's just like the idea.

Yeah, I don't know. I'm trying to delve into the mind of somebody who I have no idea how it's working. There are definitely people who are into idea how it's working there are definitely people who are into stuff and it's unrequited they can't find anyone who's into it with them there's a famous guy on the Howard Stern show I say famous there's a guy

he's into Roman showers which is when bitches throw up on you and that's what he wants and that's the only way he can get off imagine not being able to come unless somebody throws up on you how you gotta you gotta be a slick dude to find chicks to throw up on you okay like like like i i've never asked a lady to throw up on me i'm pretty sure i could probably make it happen but like you gotta be a good looking suave well-to-do young fella christian gray type shit like you can't just go into a bar and leave with somebody

who's like i'm puking on you tonight like yeah i i i don't think like like i've never asked a chick to do anything like that far out there crazy you know just just like you know nothing like that nothing like vomiting on me if you were to go about it wouldn't it be easier to like purposefully like target somebody who is interested in coming home but then you just get them so drunk that they are like they're gonna throw up and then you just bait and switch the toilet here's a bit of fun prize you're the toilet that's the way you do it do you want me to ask a girl entrapment yeah do you want me to ask a girl if she'll throw up on me yes i want you to ask a girl if she'll throw if you i want to come back in here and answer give her a call on my phone just just

fucking like shut down it's like don't do it kyle don't do it it literally turned itself off it'll be it'll be it'll come back i guess not that not again don't let me uh since tugger stepped away seems like a good time to slip in an advertisement right here talking about abay i got my abay right here everything vaping is too expensive ever wish you didn't have to buy batteries, coils, a tank, and a bottle just to get started vaping? Ever have your vape's battery die at 2 p.m. and you don't have access to a charger? Well, eBay, the new vape system from the creators of Zamplebox changes all of that. eBay's hardware blends simplicity and top shelf quality. Features a super compact battery, high capacity pods that are more than twice the capacity of those dirty old jewel pods. And they feature ceramic coils so you won't ever get a burnt hit. It also has two charging modes, USB and eBay PCC charging, which is very fast, so that you don't have to worry about having a dead battery at the end of the day. eBay features a perfectly curated lineup of five delicious flavors, so you're sure to find one that's great for you.

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who only does it missionary for the express purpose of procreation, you're going to need good breath to do it. Mitt Romney taught me that. Mitt Romney taught me that. Mitt Romney taught me that if a dog shits itself, just tie it to the top of the car. It's where it belongs. What? Remember that?

Like it was during the, uh, it was during the election. It was like a big story when they were like trying to bash Romney where they're like, look at this picture of him driving around with his dog strapped to the roof of his car. And he had to be like, it was this picture of him driving around with his dog strapped to the roof of his car. And he had to be like, it was shitting all over the place.

Like, I'm not leaving that shitting dog in my car. What else are you going to do? You tie like a Christmas tree up there. It was in its crate up there. I was very invested in politics at this point when this all came out. The election that had Mitt Romney and um herman kane and all of those guys and it was a big one for me i followed it very closely because i didn't care for some of obama's uh policies with gun control and stuff like that i didn't like the obamacare

thing so i was following it extremely closely during this time and all my friends were too and yet came out that apparently on a road trip, vacation type situation once upon a time. First of all, you gotta keep in mind, Mitt Romney's got like 37 fucking kids, right? As a Mormon, something like that.

I'm making that up. He's probably got three and, but there weren't any seats available in his vehicle of choice. And so he strapped his fucking dog to the roof in a crate for a long road trip, not just across town, not just across town, like across the state or something my question is did they did he strap it cage forward you know so the dog is just getting blasted by 70 mile an

hour winds the whole time or did he strap it cage backwards so the dog is protected from the elements i have no idea probably cage backward i would hope so but like if you're strapping a dog to the roof are you really even that's gotta be horrifying for a dog yeah Jesus Christ I thought you were just like making some joke and I had missed it that's terrible I had a dog as a kid that like when we would take it on

family trips in the minivan or whatever like I don't know what it was but it would like express it's anal glands when it was anxious and it would like express its anal glands when it was anxious oh yeah yeah it would just start to smell like total shit yep not not smells like just like a weird fucking i don't even know musk it had it was a musk perfect a very only way to a heavy musk yeah when i moved uh to portland and back it's like a 15 and a half hour drive. So I put my dog on the roof.

No, I put him in the back seat of the car with like blankets and stuff. And he hates car rides. So he gets anxious and it just like windows down the whole time because it just smells like just shit. Like not great. Can't really put a finger on how else to compare that smell. Can you imagine what it's like to travel in a car with Woody's dogs? I mean, there's no way he has to travel in a car with Woody's dogs? I mean, there's no way he'd get all of them in the car, because they're huge. They're fucking

gargantuan. Those dogs fart, and it's not just a little pew. It's like brrrr. Oh, God! Oh, God, no! That's one of the top three reasons why I would not want those fucking dogs that Woody has.

Those things are disgusting. That and the poops. Those are far too big of poops. Yeah, way too big. So I asked this girl, I said, question, would you throw up on me if I wanted you to? We'll see. We'll see.

She has not opened that message yet. She has not opened it yet? Did she get a little preview? She just, will you throw up on me oh well just like swipes it back up like yeah well no right right into it right into it no just just just man god why does snapchat have ads now okay yeah we'll wait we'll wait and see what she says i'm thrilled i mean vomit's not nearly as out there as pooping on someone i would rather somebody throw up on me every single time than piss or shit on me.

Without question, without fail. I'd rather have pee than vomit, but I'd rather have vomit than poop. I threw up the other night. I bought this thing of lobster bisque soup from the deli. It was like a pre-packaged lobster bisque.

Oh, I know, yeah. But those are good. It was delicious going down i i made a grilled cheese and i had this little cup of soup and i was doing the grilled cheese in it man yeah i had myself a little drink had myself an adult beverage and i was playing some apex and i was oh this is just the best of everything i this is great and i'm playing and i'm like oh guys i don't feel so good. The lobster's right back. And if you've played Apex,

it's fucking crazy. Shit's happening. We're healing people and fucking people are going down and getting picked up and there's gunfights. I'm like fighting my way through it, literally. And I'm just like, I'm going to finish this gunfight

and I'm getting off, guys. I'm going to throw up right now. Right now. And I'm just like, kill, kill, kill. And the guy dies and I literally alt f4 and run to the bathroom and just it was cream it was orange cream lobster bisque and i filled the toilet bowl with it seemingly it was i emptied my my entire stomach and it was disgusting it was awful i'll never i can never eat it again and i love, had you ever thrown up soup before?

Long ago. I hadn't thrown up recently. Like, I think I threw up on that drinking episode we did last year. The one where I was drinking the Grand Marnier. Oh, yeah. And I said that stuff about... I do come close to throwing up. About Riley being paralyzed and how I'd fuck his girlfriend.

Oh, that's the episode where I chipped my tooth that night. Yeah, we all got pretty tanked. Yeah, with a big old pizza nipples. You guys were all drinking. Anywho. Speaking of poop, I was hungry last night for a snack and I didn't have anything.

And so I ate three Fiber One bars. Oh, man. Because they're chocolate chip flavored and they're very good. You built the wall in your ass. That's why you did. one bars oh man because they they're chocolate chip flavored and they're very good they taste like you built the wall in your ass that's why you built the wall and my plumbing is paying for it because i i have had like three full-size adult poops today like one of them only had like 40 minutes in between where i had like a full what i thought evacuation and i was like well there's no

way that this iceberg of shit that I just laid in this toilet, there's a little top that's protruding from the water. That's when you know it's good. 90% of the mass is actually below the water. There's no way my body has more. And then I went right back and subsequently had another giant shit and so like on the bright side like i'm really clearing myself out yeah but yeah you're prepped

for some anal play you know that's true maybe i'll get a tail uh steel plug or whatever the fuck you were saying yeah not silicon but get yourself a tail. There are some supplements that I always advise young ladies to take that helps them clean their system out before such an activity. Supplements, or do you just have them

do an enema? Both. Chiz has plan B. No, Chiz, you grind that up and like a James Bond villain, you go... You grind that up and like a James Bond villain you go Was that cocaine?

No, no, it's plan B What? That's equally frightening You do like the fucking Dale from King of the Hill Where he's like, pocket plan And he throws just a big handful of powder plan B in women's spaces. No, no, they make

it's called something for men. It's for like gay men. That's what it's made for. It works on women's buttholes too. It's like, fuck, it doesn't matter. But you take these capsules and it's full of like fiber or something like that and it expands in your digestive system.

Is it psyllium husk? That's in there. That's a big part of it. I take that stuff sometimes. No stranger to anal play. Good to know. That's why I try and eat enough fiber in my diet. For the off chance that I'll want to have some anal play as the receiver.

Because honestly, if you're not all the time prepped for a potential anal partner as a man in 2019, I can't help but question that you might be one of those proud boys or one of those neo-Nazis that I've heard so much about on Twitter. So keep that asshole prepped. Why does it sound like a one of those like old cialis commercials where it's like when the time comes you might not have like the luxury of time so always be prepped with cialis it's like all right well now i'm ready for the butt play guys let's go she has not replied is this a bridge you're willing to burn?

Double down. Double down. Just to be like, but honestly. She hasn't opened it yet. We'll see. I'll ask a different chick. Let's get a couple rolling. That way we get more responses.

Yeah, I don't have anybody that I could... Everybody I would possibly ask that... Let's ask them all. Let's ask them all. I could ask Riley, but she would say yes. So that's the's ask them all. Let's ask them all. I could ask Riley, but she would say yes. So that's the Riley Reid porn star. Oh yeah, you were talking about... Oh, go ahead. Would you vomit on me if I asked you to?

I love voice to text for these exact moments. I'm sorry, you fucking pervert. Did you ask if someone would vomit on you if you requested? I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to send this. It's like, oh. That'd be funny if Siri had like a moral compass.

It would make my life a lot more difficult. I never use text to speak. Really? No, the other way. I use it all. If I have to type more than three sentences, like if for whatever reason, like email or if I'm driving, i use that shit all the time it's just really it's good and it saves me

the time i can speak a paragraph way faster than thumb typing it out and i'm a pretty good typer so yeah true old people do that a lot too um if they can figure it out if they can figure it out i know woody does it woody. Woody does it a lot. Or he uses his laptop voice command. He pushes a button on his fucking iPad. That's dumb. On his MacBook and sends us these paragraphs sometimes. And it's like, you got to decipher a little bit.

Figure out what he meant. I'm weirdly competitive with the speech-to-text thing. When I'm with someone and we're like at the store like if you know my girlfriend for example is like siri what's a recipe for general sow's chicken like i immediately feel like i'm on the side of text so i'll like pull my phone out and like google it real quick and be like see it's faster even if only four seconds faster it's faster and i have strong thumbs for it yeah but you could have been doing things while siri did this yeah it's just all about ease you know i don't know i like it i like the voice command i do it for alarms that's for damn sure i do it for alarms for notice like for like reminders like set a reminder to do this this and this like that's it's just

super easy so yeah absolutely like like setting an alarm on the phone takes takes like eight button mashes and a twirl or something like that but i can just be like set alarm 7 30 a.m tomorrow and she'll do it yeah the future it's come a long way it used to be trash i didn't know that you could turn off the profanity filter in your voice to text yeah so this whole time i've been you know trying to like work around i want to call somebody a bitch. Duck you. Yeah, I wanted to say bitch, not B star star star. You dirty batch. Yeah, so now it's...

It'll really, it'll censor you if you say bitch. Yeah, with the profanity filters default turned on, it'll censor, it'll just do the first letter and then asterisks. But now I can say fucking and it's like, yeah, I know what you about that's a violation of my first amendment rights that's what i was saying if i want to yell racial epithets at siri or alexa in my spare time just to hear her repeat them back that's my ride as an american i don't know if i have never tried that so i don't know if it actually just lets you free free wheel everything everything here. But definitely for all the common words, it does a pretty good job. I didn't buy an Alexa or a Google Home

because I was like, I don't want that thing listening to me all the time. And then meanwhile, I have a fucking cell phone that if I talk about fish food, it'll be telling me about those beta fish that fight and kill each other that are for sale at the Petco near you. So everything's listening to you all the time.lexa's worst though alexa's literally list like it

guaranteed is a hundred percent of the time like 100 of the time it's listening to you kitty has that thing and i fucking hate it i fucking hate it and she even voice coded it so it'll only respond to her oh so i have to do a kitty to control the thing the point is i don't get to control alexa that's the point that way she can be no i bet what's the point no i bet what's the point of her doing that oh i guess so that i can't control alexa so that you get her to listen when you do the impression yes i can do i can do her voice well enough to get alexa to respond to my So she'll start, she'll have it playing some fucking music or something. I'll be like, Alexa, stop.

And then it'll be like, blop. It'll fucking stop. I'll make it start playing something else. I'll make it start playing fucking the best of the office or something like that. I hate Alexa. Alexa's a whore. I don't like Alexa, but I love my Google Home because I have a Pixel. So if I'm in my other room and I want to set a timer, I just ask my phone to set the timer and it'll go to my Google Home for pizza.

I don't know. Whatever the fuck. You would think that Jeff Bezos could understand why some people want a bit of privacy, right? With his dick pictures out there floating around. Yeah. You would assume that he would understand that, but $70 billion later. Did we get our hands on those yet, Chaz? Did you get Jeff Bezos' penis for me yet? That's been the only thing. Do you want to see it?

That was the only thing you had to do this week, by the way, Chaz. The only thing was to get pictures of the richest man on Earth's penis, and you couldn't do it. I'm trying to think. What kind of dick do you think Bezos has? I bet it looks just like him. Just a bald, short...

Bald, wrinkly... Yeah. Yeah. If you take his net worth and just equally spread it out among his body, his dick is worth more than all of North Dakota. Sure. Totally.

100%. I think I'm worth more than North Dakota. Actually, no, they have oil, don't they? I don't fucking know. Who has ever been to North Dakota? I don't know anybody who's been to North Dakota. Dude, if you were the richest guy on Earth, who gives a

fuck if your dick pic leaks? Who cares? No, but the problem here is that the dick pic led to a $ billion dollar divorce right so i think he i would care i thought there was like cheatery like actual where do you what do you think the where do you think the dick pics oh i see what you're saying i mean i just think that it's like it was an it was in addition to yes so if i was the rich if i was jeff bezos and somebody was trying to extort me for my dick pics, I'd be like,

fucking put them out there. I'm starting my own magazine called RelatableManPenis.com and it's a very normal man dick. For a hundred grand, I'd tweet my dick. Yeah, why not? I would do that too.

Sure. All you have to do is make sure that your face isn't in it and then you can just say, oh, that too. Sure. All you have to do is make sure that your face isn't in it. And then you can just say, oh, that's not me. I would literally tweet it with, I was paid $100,000 to tweet a photo of my dick. And now you're all looking at it. I'm sorry, but I'm $100,000 richer. And I think most people would be like, I've seen your dick.

I think I'm okay with that. I would make my dick a Patreon level. Yeah. By the way, there's a link down below. You want to join the Patreon. You want to get this show a little early. You want to submit your questions to us. We've got a whole list of questions.

Most of them are fucking garbage, though. You would think some guys with $10 worth of disposable income would be able to write some interesting questions. No, not really. But, you know, try your best, and maybe we'll read them. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Would you post like a fresh penis pic every month for your $50 a month patrons?

I would. Oh, there's this subreddit where they take penises and they put googly eyes and dress them up. Like, let me find it. Let me find it. I would do that. That's what I would do. I was going to say, if I had to do like a Patreon for my dick, I would at least have fun with it. It would not be like, here's another angle of my dick it would be like today's christmas here's my dick dressed up like santa

claus right and like my nuts are the elves right i'd have fun with it that's a good way you'd want to be festive i would do this i would do this do not click this jizz or do not show this i feel i have to throw that in this is is a whole community on Reddit? Yeah. I'm not even religious, but at some point we strayed away from God's light. I'm not really sure

what the point of this is. It's just a googly eyes on a dick and he's got a string lifting it up. Yeah, it's like a snake. It doesn't even have a mouth. I'm just wondering

why his dick is so limp that he can't, he has to use a string to keep it up. So that it goes like a circle. Oh, he's snaking it. He's got some length there. Googly-eyed phallus. Some dude was sitting at home and was like, should I send out a few more job applications?

No. I'm flush with googly eyes and I'm a little hard. So here we are. Thank God. I love it. Dude, that's lame. I would want like that.

Kevin! Where are all my googly eyes? Oh, not on my dick. I've got to make the puppets for the church show. Where are Joseph's eyes? Man, if I were going to do it, I would do a better dick dress up than that you better you better believe that i'd go in much higher effort i'd get like a beard a lincoln hat like something that was much funnier i have seen a reddit thread of somebody who did this entire like like dress

like i gotta find a dress uh but it was well done. Yeah, yeah. That's what I was looking for. There's one of Here it is. I already got it. Cause Penis. Here it is. I already got it. It's called Cause Penis. Here, there's a BuzzFeed. Don't click it. But like, yeah, this one has like a leather jacket with sunglasses. It's Kanye West

but dick. Yeah, the link I sent is the actual subreddit. Yeah, and it's called cause penis here here's a here's a cock with a little cowboy hat here's one that's batman and it's a very convincing batman like he's got enough girth to give batman shoulders even go to top all time and there's and there's a dude with a luchador mask and he put a luchador on his dick too. Yeah, it's hilarious. Like some of them are really good. Dude, I was thinking, man, okay, this is a cool hobby.

To 2017 dick calendar. He made a whole calendar of his people. That was the one that I was thinking. This guy's got a couple of army men with one of those old timey lumberjack saws that require two people to go back and forth at the base of his cock. That's great.

This guy put his soft dick in a fucking peach and then let it get hard with googly eyes on it. So it looks like it's crawling out of a peach. Oh, man. 10 out of 10 for creativity. That's what I was saying. Have you ever made an incredible mistake in life? What's these people?

They really have shied away from the light of God. That one's a time lapse. That took at least five minutes to make his dick. I can't. I'm a little worried. It's like you have been blocked by. I'm a little worried that I asked this question now. They haven't opened it, neither of them.

We'll see. This guy just fucking put his dick in a hot dog bun and put mustard and ketchup on it. I like those. Those guys know what's up. I bet the mustard might burn though, right? What do you mean burn? It's not going to burn your skin. It'll burn your pee hole. Don't put it in your pee hole. What the fuck are you doing?

I'm sorry. I was cosplaying as a corn dog. The stick had to go in. Ah! Sounding. Sounding is the worst. We've done a bunch of sounding discussions, but nobody likes sounding. I feel like we say this, and there's like two guys in the audience

who are like, hey. Hey, no, let me tell you, you can't, don't knock it until you try it. Go down to number 27 on R-All of Cospenus, and it's him holding a DVD of Alf season 2 and he's got his

teeny little uncircumcised dick this isn't good content because they can't look at these these yeah I guess not dude his pinky

is bigger than his dick his his pinky is bigger than his dick. Yeah. His dick hair is longer than his dick. Oh. Well, he's got to impress women somehow. That's the worst, right? And so he's just like, well, I mean. Women can have small tits, and it's not that big of a deal, right?

It's not debilitating. It's not debilitating. Lots of guys like tiny tits. There's entire subreddits about small boobs. There are no subreddits about small penises. There's nobody that was like, you know what? I just really need a micro penis.

I want it to look like the top of a water bottle glued to my pelvis. Like a little bird. Like an acorn. Like an acorn. Glued to the bottom of your torso, as Dr. Steve Brule would say. There's no subreddits about little dicks, Kyle?

Yeah, I'm sure there are. I mean, you're the resident Reddit expert. Well, that's not really what I'm usually looking for. Small penis subreddit. Small penis subreddit. Found it, dude. Of course, it's for and slash micropenis. It's for the smallest and the proudest of us. That's their tagline. The smallest and the proudest of it of us that's their tagline

the smallest and the proud oh these are the proud boys you were talking about these are the ones i was talking about yeah damn these are some tiny dicks i've seen more dick today than i have seen in all of last year you know what though some of these guys are just are just kind of like slightly above average and they're coming here like a fucking flex on the real micro penises. There's some guys in here where it's literally the size of a mega clit, but then some of these guys

are coming here with like four inches and it's got a little girth to it and they're like, yeah, it's totally crazy small, huh, guys? Yeah, you fucking bitches, real micro dicks. Look at this. He's a real man cock i i didn't know they made dicks this small i didn't know that evolution allowed these micro penis oh that one it's called um tiny called mike oh mine is forward slash r forward slash micro penis

oh i'm on tiny i'm on our tiny dick you guys have two different ones. See, I think mine is for, oh, for this one. Let's see here. We got a 19th. No, that's cost penis. I was about to freak out. Micropenis subreddit. Who's even going to that subreddit? Just guys with micropenises to hang out? It's only got 900 subs. Mine is 16,000.

But there are 14 online. 16,000 in mine. Okay. Tiny dick. Tiny dick. Our tiny dick. 63 online. So think about it this way.

16K to 63 versus 898 to 18. That ratio is crazy. There's a lot of micro penis. Yeah penis yeah yeah the micro penises bring them in but the tiny dicks keep them around that's what i always say i mean oh yeah like i didn't even search by like top all time or whatever but 50 minutes ago somebody posted like 33 their age love my tiny cock five up boats they're in like what appears to be very like like lingerie and then he but he's like spread eagle and his cat is and he's got thigh highs and his cat's just asleep on the edge of his bed like he's just tiny dick out just eat a bullet

it's definitely wow this is a rough life but there's probably there's got to be there has to be women there has to be we're in it there's seven billion people on this planet there has to be a non-zero sum of people that are like i love micro dick like that's their thing there's a non-zero song they like it but not for the reasons that the men are gonna like it right it's it's like it's not like i love it it's so hot they're hot yeah yeah like the women are like oh look at you you little cute dickless guy you're so unimposing and you don't threaten me at all because you could never do anything like Mike here we go a BuzzFeed article 14 women tell what it's like having sex with a micro penis of course

BuzzFeed has one feels like a a tickle. Oh man, this is sad. This sucks. Well. Yeah, I'm done looking at dicks. Yeah, now they're all feeling nice and sad. Do you want to watch someone get ran over by a car, anyone? Yeah, honestly, please. I feel like that would cheer me the fuck up.

If I saw a man get crushed by a motor vehicle, and not the kind of crushing you normally see where oh, he got bumped by it a little and kind of knocked out of the way. No. I want to see up and over on your face and you deserve it. That's what I'm promising you. This is called a guy from Montreal

getting ran over by a taxi cab. Oh-ha! Alright, I'm ready. French fuckers. Yeah, I'm ready too. It's on Worldstar. Is this the new live leak? Worldstar. All right, let's watch somebody die.

Let me know when you're ready, Chiz. Three, two, one, play. It looks like there's been a hit and run. Not yet. Look at the car. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's been a bit of a car accident, and there's a bunch of dirty

Frenchmen standing around arguing. Hey! French Canadians are not Frenchmen. Dirty French Canadians. They are dirty, though. They're filthy. If I've learned anything, this is gonna come out of nowhere. They're gutter French. And people seem to be upset at this taxi driver, or Domino's.

I'm not sure which this is. I was gonna say, that's kind of like, oh, he seem to be upset at this taxi driver, or Domino's, I'm not sure which this is. I was gonna say, that's kinda like, oh, he just comes in and kicks the shit out of that door! Dude is kicking this, this, this car's door, like... Oh, the taxi driver's not gonna get out, that's the thing. Beautiful! Here we go. This guy never saw that Rick and Morty episode where they had the man versus car. And, oh, and the car wins again!

The car always wins, isn't that the way it would just work? The man the man jumped on top and up and over smash he's fine and now they zoom into the guy's face and it's mauled he's got a huge cut on his face look at it look at his face he's like all right so he's shaking his head he's not dead Look at his face. He's like, All right, so he's shaking his head. He's not dead. I got hit by a car.

Chocolate flu. Yeah, he's got a bleeding. Does anybody want to stop the bleeding? Like, what the fuck is everybody? They're just touching his shoulder. How are they going to upload the footage if they get help? Yeah, you're right. Itty responses. Like, I can't tell if that's a shadow or a you're right. Ithi responses.

Like, I can't tell if that's a shadow or a pile of blood. That's blood. No, on the left side. On the left side. Yeah. That's diet! Oh, his pants came off almost. Imagine getting hit by a car

so hard your pants come off. Imagine getting run over by a taxi because you're not getting full payment from that you want to see somebody really get hit by a car hard i don't know man do i yeah oh yeah kyle's been on a real big people getting hit by cars kick and i can't i'm all i want you to know that i've been like very few things it's just the how accessible it is to get hit by a car in this world you know what i mean mean? Like getting mauled by a tiger, I'm like, that's never happened to me.

But getting run over by a car definitely can happen. Chiz, you don't think that – I'm trying to film the video. This is called Toyota Tacoma's Greatest Hits. Chiz, do you think the music will be an issue here? We can just mute it just in case. Yeah, yeah. All right.

Well, for those of you at home out there watching in TV land you're going to want to find Toyota Tacoma's greatest hits it has 193,000 views at this very moment great like to dislike ratio I'm going to enjoy the audio myself because I think it adds a great deal but you know just to play it safe we won't play the audio

I'm at zero give me one second I have to take a bit of. There we go. I'm at zero. Three, two, one, play. So like, were these kids in? Oh, my. Oh, shit.

Good God. Oh, my God. Boom! Oh! Oh my God. Nailed it. Why did they run away from the pylons that are clearly set to stop cars? He's coming back for more? For seconds? Look at him hit this fucker. I think it might be a woman.

I don't care. These kids. Damn! Good on her for hitting him so hard. He throws the first one into the second one! That's skillful maneuvering. Oh, we get alternate angles? Is he alive?

And they're both okay. Oh, God. If he would have hit that metal pole, he would have been way more fucked up yeah if the truck had hit one of those like barriers down there he'd have been dead that's what i'm saying you gotta run towards the what like what i need backstory i need i need why are they running before this happens and how mad you have to be that you literally chase them down i mean unless they like just finished molesting his daughter i don't i don't understand what could and you know i i don't know that was incredible i mean i think you know kudos good luck or lucky them that she was hauling so much ass

that if you get hit at a slow speed, you're under the car. But if you get hit on a fast speed, you're on the hood. So they got lucky there. I think that was definitely Kai because he has a goatee. You remember George Zimmerman? Yeah, the one that bravely defended his neighborhood against that Trayvon Martin character. We all know the true story.

Continue. That's right. Yes. Thank you. I'm glad. The back of his head was all bloody. The man was beaten to a pulp. Last resort.

Anyway, that hero the other day was doing a signing. Oh, my God. Are you serious? Wait, was he really on like a book tour? He paints. And he's signing his artwork. Now, bear in mind, he already auctioned off the handgun he used to kill Trayvon Martin. Because, of course, they have to give it back when he's found not guilty.

He auctioned that off as, quote, a piece of American history. Who would want that gun? Alabama has it. It was Christmas, and dad wanted something nice roll tight what a fucking piece of shit he's selling he's in a book signing wait how much did it wait how much did it go for though i that's what i that i don't know off the top of my head but here's here's the best part i saw someone go up and they had him sign get this an empty packet of Skittles ah

now in case you don't know in case you don't remember that's what Trayvon Martin had been out purchasing on the eve that he was killed by not empty a full pack of Skittles yeah he hadn't got home yet to make his lean that's what they were for.

Oh, my God. I'm not judging. I mean, probably. Nobody makes lean with Skittles. That's like the people that were like, hey, put a bunch of Skittles in your vodka and then let them soak overnight. Then you got all those gross white crummy balls.

It's just gross. It's like the white trash boba tea. It's just like... I've done it before. I've done it before. I've done it before. So if you want to make Skittle vodka, you pick a cone, right? First of all, you got to get the family bag,

get the big ass bag, and you can count them out. It's like, I don't know, but like 90 lime or something like that. And you put 90 lime in there with a fifth of vodka, and you wait a day. And the next day, all the Skittles have turned white. All the flavoring and coloring is off them.

Then you filter them through coffee filters, and you got lime Skittle vodka. I'm going to tell you how you do this. You just buy Burnett's, and it's hard to flavor. We have a reply. Oh. Oh. What is it?

No. I would not laugh out loud. That's that's one and then we have another one i would great and then i don't want that but i would be concerned about your preferences laugh out loud i don't know what that means tell her she's saying that she's now wondering if you're really into that so you gotta double down and be like ask her uh are you kink shaming me right now i am are are you kink shaming me right now you bigot that's a good way to that's a good way to save it or escalate it don't add you bigot make it make it so it's too late too late damn it okay i already added you bigot um george zimmerman auctioned his

gun off for a total price of 138 900 wow he got a 138 000 who's collecting and this is and this is cn this is cnn so you know that it real, probably. That's true. Very reliable. They would not lie about this. I don't question anything I see on TV, especially the news. She's trying to change the topic. I don't question anything at all. You can tell me anything, and I believe it. She's at the beach.

She sent me a picture of the beach. She's changed the topic now. It's a non-issue. So that one would not. Good. But I'm happy for you. I am too. I'm kind of happy that she wasn't into it, frankly.

That would be almost more alarming if she came back and was like, yes, I think I am going, I am down with that. I bet the other one says yes. You've got, tell her she's closed-minded. No, that's okay. No, I think you poked the bear enough. You know what I mean? Actually, in Japan, it's considered...

Polite. It's considered polite. You take off your shoes, you eat all your meals, you sit Indian-style on the fucking pillow in front of the table, and you vomit on people. Yeah, that's what you do certainly i'd love to go to japan japan would be cool i i've been eating a bit of a bit of japanese food i i like

it i'm a big fan of sushi it's my it's one of my favorite like uh it's my favorite things i love sushi i have an update on the uh um on the ignite party I know, and this is just incredibly absurd and weird because this was not planned. I got a DM from a mutual friend of mine who said, hey, I have a very short-term offer. Literally, when we started the show and he said, hey, there's this Ignite party, the marijuana company that we were talking about earlier,

and they want you to come out to this party and host the Twitch stream and post on Instagram in an Instagram story that you will do this and do a swipe up call to action. And I was like, well, I'm already going, so I would love to hear it. Just in honest, full candidness, one Instagram story swipe up post,

that's the only deliverable aside from hosting the stream on my Twitch for it for five thousand dollars yeah what where is the roi on this for them for them that doesn't make any sense that's about right no that's about right i don't know enough about the ignite community you got on instagram huh how many you have on Instagram? 350,000? Yeah, man. Honestly, ask for 7,500. I mean, just entirely, that is the lowest amount of deliverables

and hosting. No, dude. No. Really? They're getting a bargain here. Honestly, I would ask for 10,000 and get down to 7,500, but you're kind of in a time crunch here. Ask for 7,500 real quick. It's in an hour. Yeah, I know. That's wild.

They're ready to... I never... The money's in their hand. Ask for a little more money, and they'll give it to you. I guarantee it. Do it. That's weird.

I've just... I've never done a brand deal with this with... Is this... I don't know. That was just an odd email to receive. What are you going to do with your 5K he's gonna get he's gonna get 6500 minimum no he's gonna get 6500 here in a minute minimum be like yeah and a pound of marijuana is that possible can we also

do that a cbcbd do they make cbd what how does that work i don't even know if you ask for a credit for a pound of marijuana they will absolutely give it to you. CBD's the not marijuana marijuana. That's the one for old people. What, you got a backache, old man? No, that's what the party is. Does it come in

fucking wheat? Every kind of form. CBD's delivered in all kinds of ways. Everything from lotion to smokables to vaporized stuff to pills to edibles. No, I mean, is CBD like an extract? Yes, it's derived. Well, there are marijuana strains that are like 99.9% CBD. But, yeah.

The more you know. Yeah, they'll give you more money. If you ate enough CBD gummy bears, would you get high? Or is it like you just can't? Because it doesn't have the THC in it. You just can't. You just can't.

Huh. You just, so it's just strictly, this is like for just medical, whatever. Yeah, it's generally for inflammation, I believe. Huh. If I'm going to self-medicate, it's not going to be cbd it's gonna be dick pills there you go wait definitely not to like beat a dead horse but so what's the problem with legalizing cbd they are legalizing it in many many places they sell it's legal here in missouri yeah it's legal here in georgia like it's everywhere yeah yeah

cbd is everywhere now yeah and it's like it's growing pretty good with older demographics because like just a year ago like my grandma was still on the fence about using it for her shoulder like the cream and then she got on it and realized like now taylor doesn't even get you high thing yeah and then like my like she got these drops and once she finally convinced my grandpa that it doesn't get you high like he was he like can't close his hand because of arthritis. And so they started doing like the drop things and now he can close his hand all the way. Like when he's using those like a couple of times a day.

So it's not snake oil. It definitely works. No, I've definitely heard about it, but I kind of thought it was like snake oil stuff. You know what I mean? Like you're taking, everybody talks about marijuana and you're like,

Oh, you smoke it, you get high things happen. Like it is a painkiller or whatever, but there's the psychoactive ingredient with thc i just never heard npr never came on when i was in my mom's car and was like let's talk about cbd the magic drug that doesn't do any of that yeah when it's working right you won't be sure it's done anything it's like i don't know i don't know if this is a good advertisement or not yeah man oh that sounds like a good deal for you nice job no no yeah and those are the those are

the best that was just the weirdest thing because i'm already going so the fact that it just popped up four hours prior absolutely i i've experienced that a few times myself it's like well i was already gonna go but i'll sit at your booth for five thousand yeah absolutely yeah i'll sit i'll sit here in this chair for two hours and you pay me two thousand five hundred dollars an hour to do so yeah yeah the internet is a wonderful place let's just man gotta love uh what was the most recent sponsor fresh smart mouth smart mouth is a genuinely amazing product uh that we all that we all actually use it's we're big fans you've had them for a while. I mean, for like years now, almost, it seems like.

Yeah, probably so. Well, we've got a great audience. I mean, I bought my Casper mattress because of you. Still have it to this day. Hell yeah. My Casper mattress works great. I sleep on it every night. It better work good. I sleep on it. I fuck on it.

I don't do that that's for grown-ups that's icky yeah what was the age where you guys went from like girls suck to like i feel weird about them and i like it but I also don't even know why. The same age as everyone? Puberty? I think I'm weird, but I can remember being in second or third grade, and people would, quote-unquote, go with each other, which meant that you had a boyfriend or a girlfriend. You're like, yeah, Jamie's going with Christy. Yeah, it wasn't even like you were entitled to do anything.

It was like you would go places that weren't your school right or even you would even go to lunch you could just go you were maybe yeah that would go it just means she's going with it that that was code for like their boyfriend girlfriend and i remember being in second or third grade and being like what's the point what are we gonna do to do? Oh, you were like, eh, I don't know. Like me and Chad and Brad, we're all pretty good at football, and I really enjoy playing football with those guys and also seeing who can climb the fort wall the fastest. Those girls can't climb for shit. I really don't see the point in, quote-unquote, going with a girl.

Even in second grade, I was like, well, tonight I'm going to fuck them. I wasn't thinking of fucking, but it was like well that's not i'm gonna fuck him like that wasn't my i wasn't thinking of fucking but it was like what am i going to do with her you never like thought like oh i'm gonna put my arm around her no you have an inkling of because i remember going to a a party like a sleepover it was a co-ed sleepover that was hype but it was you know uh like i was in fifth grade i mean they were split you know like we did not sleep in the same room right but same thing and uh i remember going like oh shit like i got my arm around grace who was like the popular girl and like we were we

were hanging out sitting and our bodies were touching next to each other and that was like oh shit like i can't believe that i have physical contact with another human that's not me right but like you know but i don't remember thinking to myself like this is it i'm getting my dick sucked in fifth grade like that was not a that never came across my head i'm way more i totally empathize with what you're saying talking like i remember like my my fifth grade girlfriend who we just said going out with, which going out effectively meant like your mom could drive you to the mall where you could be supervised because you're fucking 10. And I remember like holding hands with her at one point,

like at recess on the playground and feeling like just fucking the grand poobah, big pimping, like, yeah, bitches, you see this i got i'm holding her hand he's got a hand in her hand like the crayon oh my god yeah i just turned 10 so i don't know where to go from here but i know i'm doing okay i'm on i'm approaching first base i've left home at the very least you're slow walking it but we're getting slow walking it but huh yeah i don't remember there was like a grade girlfriend is up to now yeah i wonder what my i guess you could go to linkedin right like that's what normal people do oh yeah yeah i'm not gonna search my bum linkedin i don't care no yeah i'm already tired

of it i'm already done with your shit I don't care what those people are up to. Those garbage human beings. Did you guys go to your high school reunions? Your five-year, ten-year, whatever? The five-year was such a debacle that nobody went to it. And I think the valedictorian is the one who's supposed to put it on. And she was so upset and offended that no one came to the five-year that she was like, well, fuck it.

No ten-year. Really? That's fucked up. You guys didn't want to come to my five year that I worked so hard on. And of course we didn't, we were all laughing. Like who does a five year? Yeah.

I was about to ask that. Who the fuck does that? Every, I went to my five year cause I was already in town in Maryland and I went and maybe like 20 people showed up to the actual thing out of a class. My class was small, a hundred people. So I was like one fit.

That's pretty incredible. However, uh, when we went to the bars afterwards, like the school sponsored, even though it wasn't, we all had to pay for everything. It was just like the meetup.

50 people were there for that one. It's just like, I was the only one that had done anything outside of college. Cause everybody was just like, yeah, I'm graduating this year. It's like tight. Yeah. When we just fucking got, yeah, I'm graduating this year. It's like tight. Yeah.

When we just fucking got left off, like nothing's changed. You all have the same. Yeah. I've never heard of a five year reunion. Like my 10 year, like that should be soon, but I haven't heard anything about it.

I'm not going to fucking organize it. I don't care. Like, no, I can't imagine. Like, I don't use Facebook. And like,

so life hasn't compelled me to keep up with these people independently. So I don't know what I'm like. I don't use facebook and like so life hasn't compelled me to keep up with these people independently so i don't know what i'm like i don't use facebook just be like oh you're married you have kids what do you do oh well you got a little fat like are teasing people you know like that i don't know it might be fun going to see everybody it'll be fun to see who got really fat because 10 years is enough for people to really ruin your their life yeah you can have life happen in 10 years right that's that's six years out of college that's enough to pop out a kid have a meth habit go to rehab and come back skinny you know like there's that's a long time that's the that's the point on the trajectory

you'd want to come back for your reunion is It's post-map, but still skinny. Speaking of skinny, I watched this really fucking dumb movie on Amazon last night. It's called Thinner. Like, thinner, fatter, like thinner. And it's based on a Stephen King book. And the fucking, the plot of it is this big, fat fucking attorney.

I'd never read the book, so I don't know how close they got to it. But this big, fat fucking attorney who from the very read the books. I don't know how close they got to it. But this big fat fucking attorney, who from the very first scene is so obviously in a fat suit, is walking around being kind of shitty to people and being skeevy in the courtroom. And he's just sitting at a dinner with his fancy fucking friends. And they wheel the dessert cart around.

And even his wife, people are like, no, no, no, like uh no no no no and he's doing that fat guy like oh just one just one thing like on his belly i just need one more and they drag him out of there they get in the car and then his wife starts blowing him on the way back long story short he doesn't notice a gypsy woman walking out in front of him he barrels into this gypsy woman kills her and like then he and the judge and like some other fucking dude rig it all so that like he gets off scot-free so it's like uh you know she walked out into traffic you should have known and when really he was getting his dick sucked and that's why he didn't see her the danger is a roadhead exactly you know it is it is not safe i've no i never feel like I'm driving safely when I get my dick sucked in the car.

I don't think any of us... And then a gypsy man comes out and touches his face and goes like, Thinner! And then leaves. And this whole time his wife's been bitching and moaning at him to lose weight. And then he gets home and he still is eating shit. And she's tracking it on her little old chart. And he's like, Found a 283! and she's like tracking it on her little like old chart and she's he's like found a 283 she's like you've you've lost 40 pounds in two weeks and he's like

yeah it's going great and then like he keeps losing weight precipitously and so there are scenes of him just like sitting like just with whole pies like and like he finally snaps and he's like i'm eating 12 000 calories a day and i'm losing three pounds a day i don't know what's gonna happen and it gets to the point like like it like they take away a fat suit like every 20 minutes of the film but the problem is is like by the end of, where he gets to his normal self, he's not skinny enough. So what do they do? They add other makeup to make him look gaunt as shit. And at a couple of occasions, he's talking to the fucking gypsy, trying to get him to remove the curse.

And it's those terrible porn angles or something where he's like, Yeah, you need to take it away. Look at me. And then he reaches down to lift his shirt up, and and then he does and it's just from the neck down and it's like emaciated the smallest little man and then he puts it back down he's a normal man again this fucking face and this movie my god i can't remember recommend a better waste of time than this fucking film this was so dumb thinner i'm shocked that neither of you have seen thinner before it's a it's a classic no it's real bad yeah but it could be a classic if it's horrible didn't it come out of 5.7 like it can't be that bad it's not that bad didn't it come out of left field though when like the gangster comes out of nowhere in the third act and is like yeah I'll help you get there. Yeah yeah

the attorney had gotten like one fucking day go off like this greasy Italian guy who like just shows up when he's too thin to fight for himself and he's like yeah I'll take care of him. So he like goes down to their fucking hovel

shitty gypsy area and he just starts like firing on him and killing him and poisoning their dogs montana i'm watching the trailer and it does in fact look as terrible as you as you and they just showed the sheet they just showed the fucking scene of him it's he just he doesn't even like it's just like he just strokes his face He's like dinner, and they just even hurt the colors. It looks so bad. He's like does this weird Like I would never let a man get close enough to touch me that would be like whoa There's a case and cars exploding. What's going on? That's when the fucking guinea goes down there and start shooting up the gypsies the guinea

Yeah, you know a couple whops go down. I can't believe that it's a thing. This makes no sense. I can't believe this existed. Yeah, man. Look, Stephen King is the most prolific movie writer of all time. More movies have been based on his books than anything ever. There are movies that you don't even know are Stephen King. The Green Mile is Stephen King. Yeah, but I knew that one.

Dozens and dozens of movies. I'll Google it right now. Most people know The Sh Mile is Stephen King. Yeah, but I knew that one. Dozens and dozens of movies. I'll Google it right now. Most people know The Shining is. Yeah, of course. What else do you do? Oh, the one on Netflix, Gerald's Game that came out. Here we go. Pet Sematary, It, The Shining,

The Shawshank Redemption, The Green Mile, The Mist, Misery, The Dark Tower, Stand By Me, It, 1922, Gerald's Game, 1408, Carrie, Cujo, Christine, Children of the Corn, Thinner, The Dead Zone, Maximum Overdrive, Salem's Lot, Creepshow, Cell, Secret Window. It keeps going. I know a lot of those, but there are some ones that I don't know. There's four more pages.

Yeah, there's some that I don't know. My favorite one that I've seen is, well, Shawshank Redemption probably number one, but Misery real fucking good. Kathy Bates is fantastic in that. Yeah. Yes, she is. She's a really good actress. I didn't care for the, what's that wine movie? Sideways.

Sideways? Paul Giamatti? No, no, no. I was saying I didn't like the scene when Paul Giamatti gets in the hot tub and then naked Kathy Bates gets in the hot tub because she looks like melting ice cream. Is that the same movie? You might be conflating that. Maybe I am.

I think it's a different movie. Sideways is the one where they go to wine country and Paul Giamatti is with his buddy who just got out of a relationship and they meet up with that Margaret Chow chick or something like that. I don't know. Asian actress number two,

the one with the flat face from Grey's Anatomy. They all have that. And he hooks up with her and they're in wine country or whatever. And actually, I think both of those chicks were from Grey's Anatomy. In any case, I like Sideways. I think it's very well acted. I'm a big fan.

But I think the Kathy Bates getting naked scene was a different movie. Huh. I mean, I knew he did a big fan but i think the kathy bates getting naked scene was a different movie um huh i i mean i know i knew he did a lot but i'm wondering it's from about schmidt yeah yep about schmidt yeah i'm wondering how much how much you get like royalty wise back from like a movie like thinner right because it is based on your stuff so i mean i know it's negotiable but i'm just wondering like is stephen king like thank god we made thinner because like i got to buy a new car off of it like what's dude he's so fucking loaded yeah it'd be like worth almost a bill let me see he's gotten different amounts for uh the screenplays i know there was a big to do about the screen 100 million yeah there was a big deal with the screenplay for

the shining because i want to say he had sold it to one person and then that person sold it to uh the people who made The Shining and they went a completely different direction in a lot of ways. One of the ways that... Oh, god damn it. Who's the fucking director of The Shining? I can't believe I'm spacing on it. Stanley Kubrick. Yeah, Stanley Kubrick.

Right away in the beginning he has the family pass by that wrecked Volkswagen Beetle and the people are dead in it and he's saying right and in the book the family's driving that volkswagen beetle to the to the resort so it's his way of being like in the first five minutes being like yeah we're not doing that story yeah we're doing our own thing here i mean they did a good job with it of course that movie is fantastic yeah it's my definitely

top five of my favorite movies of all time the shining with fucking jack nicholson it's it's incredible i mean that is we were doing that scene earlier that's the scene we were like yeah it's iconic get away he's swinging that i read a a weird arbitrary thing that uh from like there's a subreddit that's like movie details that has like really, really cool things that they actually had to replace the door that they originally had, which was a door that was weaker with a real door because Jack was a was a firefighter. So when he was swinging the axe to break the door down, it was just like butter to him. So they had to get a real fucking door and be like, all right, well, I'm at it, buddy. Did you see see how before that it was like he was hyping himself up

as he's going like, here's Johnny. Imagine just being like, alright, you ready? Yeah, I'm ready to go. He's like jumping up and down like a little leprechaun, stomping and moving. He's like moving the axe, and the people are like, jeez,

that's a real axe, Jack. Come on. They're like trying to get out of his way as he flails around with moving the axe and the people are like Jesus, that's a real axe, Jack. Come on. They're like trying to get out of his way as he like flails around with his fucking axe and pumps himself up. Like, yeah, it's fucking gold. I love that shit. Little kid. I love it. And then the black caretaker. Oh, I love when you do your impression of him.

Which, what do I say? The black caretaker. What do I say? The black caretaker. What do I say? You like soda, Jack? You like soda, Doc? Oh, Doc. That's what it is. You like soda, Doc?

Yeah. For this entire film. I'm going to come back and get killed by your dad. It always sounds like I'm whispering. I'm going to spend the whole movie getting here here only to get chopped down like an oak tree yeah the whole movie he's on his way like taking plane it's like planes trains and automobiles the story of the black caretaker like he's literally in a snowmobile at one point a snowcat and he gets to him he's like what seems to be all the he's just like it's just another day at work four days to get here and

then i die you got the shine yeah yeah it's great i've watched some theories about that about whether danny had been molested by jack nicholson's character uh that that's yeah yeah i've watched hours of bullshit uh like film theories, fan theories. I watched that documentary about The Shining, like all that shit. I love it. Yeah. All work and no hole makes me a horny boy.

Adrian should have been giving Jack some pussy and maybe he wouldn't have snapped. Well, she certainly wasn't giving him blowjobs with those Tyrannosaurus Rex teeth teeth jesus christ they're awful she does have some chompers man i i she bothered me more than jack even when he was when he was trying to murder her like she was so fucking annoying go away i Go away. Yeah, she does have some fucking chompers on him. Going back to the theories that he's perhaps homosexual as well as a pedophile and that he'd done something to his son. When Jack Nicholson first gets there, when he's applying for the job and he's sitting in the lobby.

The facility's kind of busy. There's people milling around. They're all leaving because the season's over. He's got a Playgirl magazine there that he's kind of busy there's like people milling around they're all leaving because it's the season's over he's gonna play he's gonna play girl magazine there that he's kind of rifling through there's a lot of he likes the articles there's really good writing in there kubrick would sneak a little stuff like that into his movies it's bizarre i wonder if it was just like a gay a game like how gay can i make my characters without anybody noticing like can i just like really shoehorn some gayness in there what was that what was his line in that scene where he's sitting at the bar uh with the fake fucking bartender yeah who comes up like what does

he say to him it's like hair of the something something hair of the dog that bit ya. Something like that. What did he say? Lloyd. Whatever. I don't remember any of that movie. I need to watch it again. It always takes me by surprise when Lloyd and Nicholson are in the bathroom and he's like, do you know, the bartender

is British, do you know that your son is bringing in a third party? What? A third party? That's right your son is bringing in a third party? What? A third party? That's right. He's bringing in a nigger. A nigger? That's right.

A nigger caretaker. I didn't know anything about that. That hard R just slapped me in the face. I was not prepared for that. They do get a hard R just slapped me in the face. I was not prepared for that. They do get a hard R. You know, that was making me think of one of the most grievous injustices in our world today, that a mere 13% of the population has the rights to 100% of the N-words. Oh, that's true. That's not fair.

I think some Indians can use it too. If they're southern Indian, the dark-skinned ones. They can use it. No, I don't think so. Have you ever seen clips of Cholos using it though? I don't know if this is allowed.

You don't get to. You just traipsed on in here and start throwing around hard hours like you're black no i don't understand that either certainly not in public like like and just laying them out there not for referential sake but just like calling someone else that you know it's like a socio like a socioeconomic thing because like it's mostly city like in Los Angeles. I hear it all the time. Not all the time. You see poor white people saying it?

No. Not hard art. No, I'm saying not hard art. What? Oh, okay. I'm sorry. Maybe I used the wrong terminology. However, what I mean is like based in like very underdeveloped areas in the city where I have been you mean a certain part of their brain

or what that's racist oh my god jesus christ that's that's some that's some adolf eichmann stuff that you're spouting off right now and i won't stand for it i'm sorry to offend you who's adolf eichmann i have no idea he's one of hitler's buddies he was one of the main nazis everybody named adolf over there nobody thought to name it was a popular name you know that name's popularity went whoop how long until adolf comes back you know everything's cyclical does adolf come back in 10 years 50 years like going to take is one SoundCloud rapper who's like Lil Adolph, and it'll come back.

It has to be an ironic run. It has to be somebody who's Jewish, right? It can't be... I don't think anybody can get success if it's not somebody who's ironically wearing the title, right? Anybody can get success after I saw that dude who has 69 tattoos

a thousand times in his body. Yeah, he got successful and he has 69 and he has like a chiclet starburst looking teeth. Yeah, he's definitely an interesting individual who's now in jail for racketeering

for 47 years, which by the way, he gets out. Has he? No, I do think he got sentenced. Goddamn. I heard he was up at, like, that was the possible sentence. Oh, maybe. Maybe I'm out of touch on this, but I just thought it was hilarious.

Someone who knows far too much about federal sentencing guidelines. I can tell you. If he did go away for 47 years, he would get out when he was 69 years old, which I just thought was great poetic. Like this dude's name is 69. He's like, oh, I'm in jail until I'm 69. I think it'll be great. We'll come back.

What if it was the year 2069 also when he got out? And that was the mad coincidence for him. I'd be scared. I wouldn't. I don't want to be on the album of the century. Yeah. 69, 2069 album of the century. Yeah, 69. 2069 album.

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at expressvpn.com slash pka. That's e-x-p-r-e-s-s-v-p-n.com slash p-k-a for three months free with a one-year package. Visit expressvpn.com slash p-X-P-R-E-S-S-V-P-N.com slash P-K-A for three months free with a one-year package. Visit ExpressVPN.com slash P-K-A to learn more. I don't want anybody selling my data, looking at the weird porn I look at, all this fucking micro-dick self-sucking. After coming on here for an evening, there's a gold mine, Jerry. It's a gold mine jerry it's a gold

mine look at all this shit we could hit him with so much targeted advertising we gotta market those baby dick condoms to this guy right away our market's small he needs lube he needs baby dick condoms he needs puke bags and uh a bunch of shining memorabilia he's gonna need some some rubber sheets for his mattress with all that vomit play for sure yeah i always wonder like if they really looked at you know if somebody really got like a solid experiment like it doesn't have to say my name and then all the things but if they ever got like a person of interest a and it's like a printout of all the weird shit that they could target advertisements for they're like yeah i think we double down on this one, Jerry. I think we double down on this furry porn.

Yeah. Just for informational purpose and research and people on Discord always sharing stuff with me. God, my search history is insane. All the weird goofball shit. People are sending me cartel videos. Here's my problem with cartel videos, okay? We've all seen one or

two in our in our time right of course on this horrific planet what do you how do you feel about what's the word i'm looking for what what do you say when someone sends you a dick pic that you didn't want it's a unsolicited unsolicited that's what i'm looking for how do you feel about unsolicited cartel videos how do you feel about unsolicited cartel videos because i've got someone i'm not interested either i'm frankly upset by it i have they're a different level of shit yeah dude there's a guy in my discord who i've known for quite some time and he lives part-time in mexico he owns some properties in mexico and one time a while back

he was like hey look i found some severed heads in my backyard. Looks like the cartel got them. And it's a bunch of rotten human heads in his backyard. They look like potatoes at first glance. It was bizarre. And we were all like, dude, we really don't... That's upsetting. We really didn't need to be like, all right, cool. We really prefer it when we just lightheartedly joke about the cartel and you and all that. We don't need it to get real because you just sent us cell phone photos that you just now took. He's like, no, I'm going to show you right now.

Let me go. It's like cognitive dissonance. You're like when you joke about it, there's like a level of protection between you and the thing that's real that's the joke right there and his phone now the cartel has his phone I'll be honest, I haven't heard from him

in about three months I haven't seen, I won't say it you know, whatever, Mr. Mex that's close enough, in the discord in quite some time. I'm a little concerned. Dude used to play PUBG a lot. Hadn't seen him lately. Maybe he went back down

to Mexico. But last time I did hear from him, unsolicited cartel videos. People getting burnt alive and cut up and chainsawed and like, you know, they take the face off and the fingers and they display them like it's some sort of like crab thing with the face on top they make it yeah those are like the weird ones like well i'm okay none of them are normal but the ones were like they don't just put

the head there they'll like have the feet to the side and then like the hands in the front and then it's just a face peeled back like the top of a pudding and they just lay it there on the pavement and it's just like it's just a fucking human face laying there looking with dead eyes like it well no eyes rather like it it's they're very very fucking scary i can tell you that there is you know during the stint of growing up where everybody's like you know when you're 15 16 17 like i am desensitized i promise you i have ran the gauntlet and back and like i feel good the the one video that always not even always i saw it once and it's in great it's burned into

my memory and i like i it i there was like a maybe it was like ukraine or whatever there's a couple of these types of videos but this this guy got beheaded uh like very much so live and just all i it was just terribly brutal it was the knife was not sharp enough nor big enough and i was like this is just the worst thing that i have ever accidentally stumbled upon and i will actively avoid doing this ever again and so all those things just bother me and the cartel are way too good at what they do to like make it a spectacle instead of like this guy got beheaded. You already know that this was just an incredibly,

as painless as a beheading could be, it was the exact opposite of that. So it was just very uncomfortable. Dude, if I'm going to get beheaded by a mafia, I want it to be the Yakuza. Because they'll use a super sharp katana, and it'll just be like, I'll be looking back up

at my body falling over and i'll be like that dude that wasn't nearly as bad as i thought will be my last thought it just really sucks yeah versus like yeah just like 30 seconds of it happening have you seen or read those like old stories when they used to like guillotine people in uh in france and it's like noted researcher francois fucking lepew uh asked mary uh mary duke of duke of richmond to to blink twice after she was beheaded and then like the the extent of the trying to figure it out was like literally they chop her head off and real quick fucking pierre runs over and grabs it and like he'll see like blinking there and it's like oh well i i guess i mean the brain activity like it makes it makes it makes sense right like you you as a human can understand that if you're severing your head unless like for whatever reason it just immediately

knocks you out or whatever like your brain does not die immediately that's like why if your heart stops beating it's not like all right well that's it boys like pack it up call it a day you have enough stuff but if you're not if you don't go into shock if you don't you know go unconscious whatever it is i don't know if we're ever gonna figure this out without like in like a lot of testing or I don't even know how you do this but like you're alive in my mind for at least like enough time to know fuck my head did just get cut off and then you're dead right like there's enough time to be like god damn it yeah and like the uh like what is there to gain from that research

oh chiz I think it was the soviets actually uh I know the video you're talking well i guess we know now it's like i guess like oh chiz i think it was the soviets actually uh i know the video you're talking about like there's that that creepy video i think it was soviets back in the day who like beheaded a dog and there's just a dog head laying on like a metal operatory like rolling table like you'd see in the hospital and it's plugged in to like a bunch of different, you know, whatever the fuck medical machines. And it's like a dog, like, like not quite breathing,

but like it's alive. And it's just the head of a dog laying there being kept alive by these like, so the Futurama stuff. Yeah. Yeah. It was, it would be like,

I can't imagine a more horrifying existence for a dog than that. Or for a human. If I'm ever just a head kill me yeah i mean just like yeah unless i get a cool robot body that i can enact my will upon weak mortals with that would be cool um tucker yeah are you familiar with a Twitch streamer named Lumi? Lumi. Yes. Wait, wait.

She's a female, right? That's the question, isn't it? Okay, hold on. Lumi. So I've met her. I'm pretty sure she plays with Deadmau5. Yeah. PUBG.

Is she playing PUBG? She's very good at PUBG. Yeah, I met her. She's super PUBG? She's very good at PUBG. She's. Yeah, she's a. Yeah, she. Yeah, I met her. She's super nice. She's a. Yeah, it's. Yeah, she's a female.

I don't know what you want from me. I met her at the PUBG event that I did with Deadmau5 at OGN Studios. It was her, Deadmau5, and somebody else. I don't understand what's going on. Who's Lumi? We're getting there. Common guys. Yeah, neither do I.

I feel like i just got thrown into a trial i'm sorry i should i should know i feel like i just got back into something i didn't want to be involved in what are we where are we going oh jesus christ what's going on here what's that might be tricked are you trying to bamboozle me i was just asking if you if you know loony because here's my little quandary. I enjoy watching Boomy's gameplay and I think she's attractive. Now, my friends, they have

been mocking and berating me for a long time. Not only is she not attractive and is her voice abrasive, but that she is actually a man. Definitely not a man like i can say that with the i honestly like even if you were i i can i can confidently say

as as confidently as i can say without you know being firsthand here from all the interactions i had with her on that day the only time that i met her not only is she yeah i feel weird quantifying this because i've only met her once but yeah she was super nice i don't know what else to say man yeah she was i don't even want to talk about this look i'm not asking you to say anything bad about about her yeah i'm on your side that I like Lumi as a person, as a streamer, as a gamer. I find her to be attractive. I think she's cute. She has a very unique look about her.

She might not be a traditional classical beauty or something like that, but I like looking at her. I send her money occasionally while I look at her. That's what Twitch is about. You know, I'll send 20 bucks or whatever. From strictly a top-level perspective,

it seems weird to me that that would be the person that your friends would fixate on and say, hey, I believe that this is somebody who is... See, it's not them that who have fixated. I have the fixation. I like Lumi a lot. It's not like she's just someone I watch occasionally. I find her attractive, and I've mentioned to them, like, hey,

Lumi's streaming. This chick is cute. I like her voice. I'm into her. And they'll be like, ah, that is a man. Chiz, can you link something so I can see? I can't find what this individual looks like l-u-m-i uh not l-o-o-m-y i don't all right so maybe okay so maybe maybe we're having different experiences here but like not even in the like not even in the room this idea has not even remotely crossed my mind and from my memory

she didn't even sound she didn't sound like you or other people would be describing at all yeah see the thing and look again like do you want to watch this video chis can we watch it she won 20 grand playing video games that's pretty cool yeah she's a great gamer fucking destroyed me at this fucking at this event and it was and it is forever going to haunt me because i just died all right i'm at zero yeah i'm at zero again look are we watching this or we're gonna watch a little of it so that we have a reference point here for the for this conversation yeah just you know wait can i give it a look. Wait, can I just say that there's the third top rated comment is empty three hotel lotion bottles on the thumbnail.

Thanks, Lumi. Hell yeah. Spencer Sutherland knows what's up. We're looking at the fucking thumbnail. It's just like a normal thumbnail. Yeah. Oh, God. Okay.

We're here. We're here. Three, two, one, play. Levers through back here. 3, 2, 1, play. What game is this? PUBG. God, this game looks like shit. Yeah, it's changed a lot. I'm just confused as...

Voice is too quiet. No, that's not her speaking. That's her She's the louder one. The one in the background is not her This sounds complete I really like them Alright, I've got the gist yeah i don't none of this even remotely strikes any like i would have never even thought of this unless you hadn't brought it up and also you know think about it this way like if i'm streaming and i'm just talking like this and i'm in a very monotone voice versus like when i my conversations with her like she sounds i don't know man so kyle you're smitten you're smitten with uh lady lumi and your buddies don't agree but you don't mind because

you're a maverick you're a trendsetter my buddies say things like hey kyle look if you want to if you're gonna date a girl with a penis, we're okay with that. We're not judging you. But just to be clear, that's a man. And I defend her and myself vehemently. It's not a man. I know it's not a man. She is, like, I feel so, how uncomfortable.

I just, like, this is just such a weird conversation to have. Because, like, This is my workplace. I feel weird doing this, so I'm just going to leave it at I have 100% confidence in Kyle's side. So this reminds me so much of this thing that happened years ago. No, I don't see. Let's be real here. Chiz is the one that's having a problem with this.

I don't fucking see anything that he's talking about. I don't understand. Chiz is saying that her avatar doesn't match her actual look and and whatever oh every everybody on the internet is like that with their my avatar is an anime fucking photo what do you mean my avatar is a rule 34 picture of hank hill in the shower all right but hang on let me tell you what you what. Tucker getting this uncomfortable about this reminds me so much of this thing that happened years ago. We had Joe Lozon on the show, and we had Heather, who was Woody's assistant on the show.

We had this little segment called Make Heather Uncomfortable, and I failed at it miserably because I tried to get her to talk about anal sex, and she was just open about it. She's like, yeah, he puts it in my butt, and I was like, well, I'm out of ideas. I really didn't think you'd want to talk about getting fucked in the ass on this show right now, but you seemed perfectly comfortable with it. And you got to keep in mind that it was her job to find advertisers for this show as well.

Joe Lozon says, eh, let me take a crack at it. Why are you so bad at your job? Why do we never have any sponsors on here? Like, never. What's going on? What's up with that? Why are you so bad at your job and she's just like um um yeah like i don't know i was not prepared for a personal attack of that nature can we talk about butt fucking again yeah that's what that's what this felt like with Tucker just now. Because for two or three hours now, we've talked about micro penises and vomiting and all kinds of controversial stuff.

But we started talking about a Twitch streamer that he actually knows. And he's like, I'm going to give him some kind of a fucking compilation now. If I knew her well, right and then i would have no problem like i like pick anybody else that i've had any any any relationship friend or otherwise with and i'm come i'm comfortable saying that right but like the four hours that i spent playing video games with her and and deadmau5 and other people like she's just a super nice person. And that's all like, I'm,

I don't know how else to, to put myself in a situation like quantify this. I'm very, just, just, just, just, just,

I don't see, Kyle doesn't seem like he's being negative at all. You seem like, I'm not being negative. I'm, no, I'm, I'm responding to the closet shadow person that is Chiz berating the chat with some...

I think Chiz is just jealous that you won't fuck him instead of Lumi. I think he's trying to be like, well, if you're going to fuck Lumi, you'll fuck me, right? Like, you know, where's the barrier of entry? It's not just Chiz. It's like everybody in our gaming discord. I just think that's a weird target to focus on. It's not that they're focusing. Again, here's the thing.

It's only when you bring it up, I'm sure, where you're like. Every time I see she's streaming, I'm like, oh, shit, Lumi's streaming, guys. I'm going to watch this for a while. Because, again, I find her attractive. I find her personable. I like a lot of the things about her. I like her hair. I like those little Japanese weeboo getups she puts on. I like that she drinks Dos Eki beer and she vapes. I like her hair. I like those little Japanese weeboo get-ups she puts on.

I like that she drinks Dos Equis beer and she vapes. I'm into it. You probably get along well with Deadmau5. You probably get along well with her. They're all down your ass. That entire friend group is very... I'm not talking about fucking Joel.

I don't know what he looks like under that helmet. But then what happens, inevitably, is literally five different people, at minimum, gang up on me and berate me and mock me while we game about me being... And they always preface it, hey Kyle, I'm not a bigot. If you're attracted to that guy,

then best of luck to you. They do that to me for an hour. I'm not a bigot, but if you're attracted to that that that guy then best of luck to you they do that to me i'm not a bigot but if you're attracted to that guy you know what man i i yeah it's just that seems that seems like such a stretch that they know that it bothers you so now it's like their focal point on this whole scenario like you've already you've already tried to defend yourself now it's just gonna come up no regardless you could be like i had sexual intercourse and they're like well technology is really great with operations now kyle like you'll never know for sure you know they're gonna ask for a birth certificate and then like it's just just says no i want to help my friend because because he's got great taste but now i fear he has a brain tumor okay hold on everybody has somebody that is some that is not their typical type that

for whatever reason you're like i don't know why but this is just the utmost importance to me is like trying to figure out if i can either date or whatever i want to see this person i don't know why right everyone has that one person that doesn't fit any mold and i definitely believe that it'd be like fucking the past what okay fine betty white yeah sure but like there's everybody has that i believe in that so like that's just your one off that's your outlier everybody has an outlier that's your out so so they're just concerned trolling you right kyle where they're like you know i'm i'm not making fun of you but they're totally fucking with you. Like they're not actually, or am I not reading it? If you were to type in Google,

is Lumi A, I think you know what it's going to, the next thing that's going to be filled out. So I got a response here from the girl I asked to vomit on. She goes, nope. Yeah.

She goes, hmm, are we talking about, boom, you're in the door oh yeah hang on one second i'm sorry i gotta go to the door to be continued wait what did you order postmates are you serious what is this what is this he just left us uh if if a chick came over and she's gonna vomit on kyle that'd be the best bit of all time wait this would be great if she like walks him in i hope he minimized discord and he just like acts like we're not here and brings her and he's like oh come sit on my lap real quick let's talk about this vomit stuff what he definitely did was ordered fucking postmates

he is keeping them in business. Okay, there you go. She says, hmm, are we talking about on vomit or just like oh, full on. That's a typo. Are we talking about full on vomit or just like acid reflux spit up? No, you want to go home on. No, acid reflux

is almost worse. I personally hate throwing up. It makes me cry every time I do it for some reason, but if there was a little bit of money involved. Yeah, why not? Then she goes this doesn't mean I have to throw up on you does it question mark I truly I try really hard not to throw up laugh out loud I would be more than happy not to I feel like that would instantly kill the mood and drain the energy out of the girl throwing up on you she is a really she has not said no she has really laid the groundwork like i said i told you she'd do it i told you you should say you you should like say like you cry when you vomit question mark exclamation point that's so hot

period period period no don't you've already gotten the answer now it's fine to walk it back you can just don't walk it back agree and amplify always agree and amplify no we're ending this now that's i am i am incredibly impressed by her lawyer speak of the way to like frame this in that you know damn well I won't want to do this, but you pay me $300 and take me out to dinner, I'll throw up on you. She had to pay somebody $200 for a quarter hour to whip that up.

That was real legal talk. I like her. She's a keeper, Kyle. I wonder if Lumi would throw up on me. I don't know. I got him! I waited until he took a sip I waited until he took a sip That was really dangerous

Good shit You should reach out to her and ask I wouldn't know how to do such a thing and that's very presumptuous Have you tried thirst following on Twitter? What does that mean? No uh that's very presumptuous have you tried thirst following on twitter what does that mean no that that's that's really uh pathetic i i find no offense to anyone i thought you said you already sent money to these people i assume i assume thirst following means you follow to give money no no thirst following is you just follow them aggressively like during when you know damn like if they tweet you just follow them right there

kyle's verified right so now the verified tick pops up or they get a notification if they're unverified. They know damn well you just followed them. So they're like, oh, who's this guy? Third's followed. They're either going to follow you back or they're going to not follow you back, but they already know you did it. Right? You're already in. One foot in the door.

Okay. All right. I need to up my e-stalking game. I'm woefully unequipped. It's not even e-stalking. It's just using the tools that you're disposed of. That's right. That's right.

It's like, oh, you swiped on the girl on Tinder. You're e-stalking her now. No. No, you're just pursuing a venture here.

But no, I haven't done anything like that. And like, that's the whole thing about Twitch. Like, you give people money. I tipped her for her excellent gaming performance

and also to hear a same-of voice. To hear what? Her of boys to hear what you're a tier three you're are you tier three sub to lumi i don't fucking you fucking incel you fucking pay pig by tier three subs she'll notice me no i am not i think i am subbed but someone gifted me the sub because i was having this conversation with a friend like a month ago and he was like i'm gonna hook you up and i was like what do you know or something and i see you like gifted you a tier once and i'm just like oh yeah that'll do it five thank god i mean thanks for the five dollars anthony i'm just saying you didn't hook me up just saying it hooked me up.

He didn't hook me up. Yeah. Cause that would be pathetic if you were the pay pig, but you had it purchased for you. And so it's an obligation to continue. And it's not even a pay pig thing. That's what Twitch is about. This is what just God knows for a living. All right.

It is what I do for the, no, I just, it is, there is a very tongue in cheek, not even tongue in cheek, but very like, uh,

um, no, it is tongue in cheek, like-in-cheek not even tongue-in-cheek but very like uh um no it is tongue-in-cheek like statement where I always make jokes like oh you know I'm you know had a great stream I'm gonna probably stream later no cam but if you're tier three sub of course you get the cam I care about you way more than everybody else that's poor like like the idea of a tier three sub it has no benefit right it's just more money really so it's just there are people that tier three sub they're female um generally it is it is males doing it to females being like oh boy i just hope she notices my tier three sub and invites me to her discord and then we can get to know each other and go out later like white knighting but not you know yeah if you're a guy

out there and you're doing that and you're trying to thirst change it to me i'll suck your dick and i'll teach you how to autofill eight for 25 i'll start a twitch stream and you can sub to me and i'll tell i'll tell you all the thing but you don't get anything until you're level four subscriber on my yet that's called paid patreon okay then what or paid snapchat premium okay first i'll learn how twitch works and then i'll be back they got they got their own game i've been gifted a few of those i just i don't have to pay like a couple hundred bucks a year or something like that and i'm no no man yeah it's i just man 99 bucks a year for somebody to send me there being a porn star is a lot of work you know i'm just thinking

of like how much you have to fuck yourself every day to keep people happy you know because timmy's out there like i've only beat off twice today i need more content like you can't just give me the same recycled thing you've got to go at it again outfits like like i know some girls and they've got like they've got huge racks of like lingerie to choose from and outfits and costumes and like thousands of dollars in sex toys all kinds of stuff yeah it's great it's a lot of it's great it's good stuff there's a lot of effort though that's my favorite that's that's my go-to gift for for a young lady i always send her a nice nice uh marital uh what do they what do they call it what's the like the nice

way to call them uh and a vibrator okay oh a marital aid yeah a marital aid yeah thank you couldn't think of it yeah the hitachi wand uh oh dude if you have a sore shoulder those things will blow it out it really will listen like all you people that are stuck on the on the triple a battery powered vibrators don't know shit about one that has an acdc converter that plugs into the wall you have a controller on the wall it has a power brick that's when you know it's the good stuff and it's so powerful and you can't please your girlfriend as much as something with a power brick can. No one can.

No human can vibrate that fast. I mean, save Michael J. Fox. Dude, he must be a dynamo in bed. Just like, I want to ride you again. And he's just shaking. I'm going to getinson's for that joke one can only hope yeah the tachi one is an incredible device incredible yeah there's a

the hot tachi headquarters are on the uh highway between san francisco airport and downtown san francisco every time i just kind of giggled to myself in the back of that u. Hitachi. They make a lot of things, but they make vibrators. Yeah, and the company apparently doesn't like it, that it's predominantly used as a vibrator. It's not branded Hitachi. It's called Magic Wand, and they removed all branding from it, but it is Hitachi. Because it used to be the Hitachi Magic Wand with the branding on there,

and they're like, oh, people use this on their pussy. This is supposed to be to get rid of a quality uh bad the sprain and an ache in your shoulder and then like i guess they thought it was not cool to be the kings of clam you know vibrating across the world like that that would be so cool to be the guy who invented the best vibrator in the world and and they decided that they can't do it because they're too on the yeah i just i truly do believe as well that kyle's right like i have used that shit to pound that like 60 for a swedish you know for a swedish massage massage 45 for a time massage or 80 and you have unlimited massages and it does just as well. It's incredible. Yeah.

Clean it after your girlfriend's done. Yeah. You do have to clean it. Yeah. Cause it will. Yeah. If your marriage is suffering, you should get her the Hitachi cause then it won't suffer,

but she'll ignore you. But like you'll, you know, you'll get three more years out of that. Yeah. I feel like every chick has their get three more years out of that. Yeah. I feel like every chick has their own vibrator these days. Nowadays, nowadays,

all these independent women with their pleasure machines. Yeah. Like back in the, imagine being an unsatisfied woman in like the frontier. You'd have to ask your husband to like whittle you a dildo. Give me a, give me a, give me a,

shuck me some corn, Harold. I'm going to town. I'm working on it, so I'm going to dip this in bear fat, let it render, and then I'm going to shove it in that dirty ass fucking Oregon Trail cunt.

I'm going to give you some dissentery. I'm going to give you some disentery. Dissentery. That is one river I will not for. Oh, no. Are we talking about old-timey anal sex? What's going on? We're talking about how on the frontier,

some woodsman would have to... They don't have the Hitachi magic wand, so he would have to whittle a dildo out of oak and then dip it in bread or bear fat. Splinter in your pussy. I don't even have a pussy and that sounds horrible. That's what I'm saying. That's why corn doesn't splinter and it's ribbed for her pleasure.

Have you seen those prehistoric dildos that they have found? No, but I need to see them now. Are they made out of stone? Because I'd fuck stone before I'd fuck wood. Stone, wood, and bone. Stone, wood, and bone stone, wooden bone. Yeah. See, this is your,

this is your Christian upbringing coming back into play. Taylor, we did not coexist with the dinosaurs. Okay. You can't prove that. Wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait. Actually on the topic of dinosaurs, I read this thing, which made so much sense. And I can't believe I've never thought of it before. I'm sure you both have seen it. The fact that none of these fucking dinosaurs look anything like we said they are because we basically just took their bone structure and shrink wrapped skin on it yeah right so like look at what a human

looks like if you shrink wrapped skin onto a human skeleton it would look fucking stupid that's just not the way anybody looks so like the t-rex didn't look like that shit at all like it's just i had no idea. I was like, that makes so much more sense. For a while I remember it was like, did you know that dinosaurs had feathers? I saw Nat Geo tweet something that was like, actually, probably not.

No, they had feathers. Some of them did. Some of the feathers are fossilized. I hope we get to Jurassic Park technology. I'm going to predict that, look, the way genetics work and all that research stuff. We're doing it. Yeah, we're all well-versed in genetics. We're doing it, dude.

Well, all right. What I mean by that is, like, 30 years ago, cloning was insane. And then they just did it like crazy. And it got so passe that they don't even bother with it anymore. And they had to outlaw human cloning. George Bush did it like crazy and it got so passe that they don't even bother with it anymore and they had to outlaw human cloning george bush did it and then like the idea of genetic engineering yeah the chinese are still doing that shit i know oh yeah and the idea of like taylor making a baby was once science fiction and now it's slowly becoming reality and and right now genetic inserts and stuff yeah yeah genetic alteration and they can write viruses that go in and literally alter genetic code.

The movie Gattaca, of course, as Chase is referencing there with Uma Thurman. Wonderful movie. Love Uma. I'd suck those big fucking feet. I only get like one toe. Pop some of them toes in my mouth, I'll tell you what. Only one would fit.

Those are some big old feet. I bet they're bigger than mine. So what I'm saying is science fiction often becomes science fact and I don't think Michael Crichton might have been ahead of his time. I think eventually we will bring something back. Science fiction often becomes science fact.

Put that over a fucking picture of space with Neil deGrasse Tyson looking listlessly into the distance. Science fiction often becomes science fact. It does. It does. I know.

I know. It's just the way you said it was so funny. It was very like notable. Yeah. Science fiction often becomes science fact. I stared at the mirror for three hours this afternoon practicing that line. I will not have...

Science fiction often becomes science fact. Anyway, sorry. What were were you saying i think someday like maybe not dinosaurs because there's it seems like they're fossilized and it's like all dried up and yeah to get there no like maybe the woolly mammoths and mastodons and shit like that like some of the stuff that's only been gone for like 10 000 years or 15 000 years like that shit no didn't we do something out of amber like we did i i'm such a fucking idiot that's your answer i searched resurrect out of amber and the first link is how to get aridactyl out of old amber pokemon let's go and i was like all right word but no you have to go to

the to the museum and muter city okay yeah of course but no i mean i'm pretty sure that we yeah i'm pretty sure we yeah dna shiz is right dna has a half-life so we can't just go back to the mesopotamia period shout out with current technology we can't but but but perhaps but the way evolution works maybe we have a way to like turn back the hands of time and and create the genetic code from what we have now like if there's an animal that we're gonna get that's how we get some fucking like creatures that's not how we get t- get, that's how we get some fucking like creatures. That's not how we get T-Rex. That's how we get X-Rex and shit.

It's just good enough for me. Good enough for me. If we can somehow like look at this, if we can somehow look at like modern elephants and be like, Oh, mammoth. There it is. That's where it was. This is the,

this is the code. This is the code for a, a, a fucking 8,000 BC mammoth right here. Best model there was, extra hairy. And we can just print that bitch out. That'd be cool. Would you rather go back and try and build something that existed?

Or would you rather just take the same tech that it took for them? Because we're talking about AI that's going, hey, we're going to figure this out and put it together the best that the ai can or would you rather just do it the other way and just be like here's ai just make us some shit and just i don't want that because somebody's gonna fuck up and make like really intelligent wasps yeah so put them on the moon moon can be like our playground and we just just start pumping things out and then we have like the moon populated by terrifying alpha apex predators but they

can't get to us because we're until they invent space travel and then we're all fucked now we'll invent space travel I want to go space yo that was actually sad that the what is it opportunity rover died today.

Oh, what was the Opportunity rover? 15 years ago, so it was Spirit, which was the first rover, I think. And then Opportunity was the longest one. It was supposed to be 90 days. They sent it out and then it, you know, went to Mars. It took like over a quarter of a million raw photos. It helped us discover the multiple types of water and like the fact that there was maybe you know potentially life on mars etc and it lasted 15 years and then like maybe a year ago it stopped responding because it got covered with dust and then

whatever but yeah today was the last day they sent out like the final ping like if you're alive tell us something but like eight months ago it it sent one message. It was so sad. I was like, why do I feel more about this robot than literally anything on Earth? It said, my battery is getting low. It's getting dark. And I was like, oh, man, this dude's dying alone up there. I was so sad. Why would you give it sad phrases to say?

Please, I'm scared. It's so cold. My internals are freezing. I'm just scared. A little stutter like, but you said you wouldn't leave me. Oh, that is a little dark. But it is. What animal would you bring?

I'll tell you what, I want to bring back those fucking saber-toothed cats those things look the bad ones like the the fucking yeah the tea yeah i i would like to i think those are sick bring some of those back and put them in africa put them in africa i want to bring them wild i want to bring back um the giant flying fucking not pterodactyls but like they had super terror birds yeah they're called thunderbirds yeah they're just like it's like a jet plane but it's just like a normal bird it's like a whale and guy this is not science fiction this is some real ass shit and there are people who believe that there were there were still some around like like at the turn of the last century like like not the last century but the one before that that, like, in the late 1800s, there were reports

of people being carried off by these thunderbirds. They're like nine feet tall. Like, just this cataclysmic size. A wingspan of like eight meters or something like that. Like, these gigantic thunderbirds that are like fucking eagles. Oh, here it is.

That could carry a man away. It's called Quetzalcoatlus. God, don't you wish that the last one, all right, the last Thunderbird on the planet was in Tampa, Florida. Tomorrow. And they just erased Tampa, Florida from the map. No, no, no, no. Yes, I agree.

Because that's where Woody's away flying, I think. And Woody's up there. And all of a sudden he hears... And he looks. And a 30 meter wingspan is coming at him at 130 miles per hour. And he's like, all right, if I could just grab the talons first, I'll just be able to swing it. And it just devours him and takes him back to his young. If there's a god

and there's not, then... This thing was enormous. Could you bring a picture so Chiz could show the audience? How long is the wingspan? I'm just looking at the Wikipedia article. Here it is. It says wingspan is 52 feet.

Jesus Christ. Twice as big as I thought. It's neck, think of a, yeah, think of a pelican, which is bigger than, it's like a giraffe neck.

This shit is dumb. This is a fucking dinosaur, Taylor. At least 10 feet high at the shoulder. Look at the comparison of a Cessna. It's the size of a Cessna. It's just so big. Oh, it was found in Texas. So this was just fiddle

fucking around in Texas 68 million years ago. Give Texas back. We don't need it anymore. This thing could possibly, there might be one hiding. We should find one. Man, that would be so cool. Imagine if we could weaponize the Quetzal Quackawack. So that's not what I was talking about. So I'm talking about this

animal called the Thunderbird. So forgive the crypto kookery that's going what I was talking about. So I'm talking about this animal called the Thunderbird. So forgive the crypto kookery that's going to unfold at this point. Wait, how is this not the same one? Because that's a fucking dinosaur that was around during the Cretaceous. So sightings of large bird-like creatures have been reported for many years, at least since people began settling further west in the United States and Canada. One of the most famous reports is from 1890, where two Arizona cowboys claimed to have shot and killed a large bird. It was described as having no feathers, and it had the head similar to that of an alligator. The two men supposedly dragged the dead bird to town after killing it.

dragged the dead bird to town after killing it the report seems to suggest that this creature looked more like a pterodactyl or a dragon than any modern day bird you know i just think it was like i yeah it's cool i just i can i can also see it just being this just giant fucking atrocity of a of a you know like a yaoming bird but just it lost all of its feathers. And then it was just like, whatever. Yeah, but those two pioneer cowboys wouldn't have lied. Look at that photo right there. Picture tells a thousand words. That's what they say. Look at that.

Man, that is a pretty big bird, but that could also be a very small man. We don't know. Felix Littleton pictured here next to a normal-sized crow, the tiniest man who ever lived. It would be the easiest way to

be impressive with hunting expeditions, just bring a hunting dwarf to stand next to your catch. Hey, little Pete, get out here. Stand next to this deer. If you didn't pay so well, I'd be out of here. What are you going to do, Pete? You're right.

I'm nothing. We're 150 miles from civilization, Pete. Get in that photo. I'll feed you to the bear cups. That's one thing I've been thinking about doing, man. I know it sounds a little fucked, but I kind of want to kill a grizzly bear. I think I've even said...

I mean, as long as you eat it, it's totally more. I'm not going to fucking eat a bit of it. I want it as either a rug or as like a body mount. And I think I've literally said on this show before that I would never do such a thing, but something lately i've been thinking more and more that i want to kill a grizzly bear and i want to do it with a bow and arrow i want to fucking i want to fucking get in a tree and i want to fucking like have some bear come into some bear food and i want to fucking shoot a grizzly bear a big fucking grizzly bear, a big fucking grizzly bear

with a bow and arrow and fucking kill it. And so you wouldn't even eat it? I mean, the meat would go somewhere. I guess somebody would eat it. It's not like I'm going to throw it in the garbage. Yeah, someone would eat it. Eating a grizzly bear would be cool.

You'd absorb its power. Is that how it works? Yeah. I ate a prostitute once and I got nothing out of that. No. As long as you eat your prey, there's nothing wrong with it, which is why I empathize so much with Jeffrey Dahmer.

They were delicious. What is a... All right, Chiz linked something for us to watch here that he said is funny. Miniature set. 4x3. Coming to video and DVD. VHS trailer from 2003.

I want to go into this cold. I don't want to know anything about it. He'll be muted. Perfect. I'm at zero. I'm ready. 3, 2. Okay, perfect. I'm at zero. I'm ready. 3, 2, 1, play. Coming soon to video and DVD.

DVD. Tintin Steel. Perfect. I've got to get going. What the... It's so 2003 with that music. There's one small problem. No!

Matthew McConaughey's a midget twin! Wait, they have a midget convention? No, no, his whole family's midgets! Oh, Peter Dinklage is in this. They're so uncomfortable around the midgets. Uh-oh. Oh, she's pregnant. When the going gets rough, and your womb is full...

Oh, did you get... No, did you hear? It's only the size of your... They count. Wait, he's a French midget. Uh-huh-huh! Now your womb is filled with tiny people, dumpster baby. Think of how much of a nightmare casting this movie must have been.

That's Gary Oldman walking on his knees. It is Gary Oldman on his knees. That's hilarious. Shit would not fly. He's Jewish too. They hit all of them what the fuck wait there's a small dot a little a midget doctor too all right it's normal cake back at sale matthew mcconaughey patricia arquette the role of a lifetime this is it gary oldman will never he will never can't dracula it's about midgets this is the role of a lifetime the movie's called

tiptoes the we need to that is so that is so funny that is so god i i cannot believe i didn't realize until you pointed it out, Kyle. That is Gary Oldman on his knees. Top comment, the role of a lifetime. Gary Oldman with shoes on his knees. I can't believe that's a movie. Didn't Gary Oldman win an Oscar this year? Or last year?

The fuck? Dude, if you gave me $5 million to make a springtime for hitler style movie that would be it i'd be like yeah get this it's a family in here except for matthew mcconaughey they're all midgets i can i was fitting my entire family in the back of my lincoln before it was cool all right all right all right save money on all our grocery bill because we're all little people. And we're Jewish. We appreciate it.

All right, all right. That's why I like dwarves. They keep growing up and they stay the same size. All right, all right, all right. Look how I am. I keep getting older and they stay the same height. Oh, my God. Matthew McConaughey is the furthest.

He doesn't look Jewish. No, but he doesn't look like he's from a family of dwarves either. That hit me as more unrealistic. That's the punchline. I feel like once you get past that, you're like, what am I watching now? I feel like they could have done well with an Adam Sandler voiceover and said,

when families grow up, but some stay the same size like gary oldman is a midget it should have been an adam sandler movie like like take a take a step back and forget like now it's rob schneider as the dad and it's adam sandler as the as as the matthew mcconaughey character and just make it zany and silly and it's funny they tried to make that serious did you see that that was not a comedy. Dude, the best way for that to end is as the vows are being read to one another,

Matthew McConaughey jumps off, turns out he's a midget standing on another midget's shoulders. But she loves him enough that she marries him. What year was that? 2003. Fuck me.

The better thing is that they say, if anybody, you know, speak now, stand up, or forever hold your peace, and Gary Oldman stands up. He gets off his knees, and she's like, you were on your knees the whole time? He's like, yeah, I wasn't a real midget. I can't believe, I usually know, like,

a ton of movies. I've never heard of this. No, this must have got buried. Let's see how well it did. Tiptoes movie. The role of a lifetime for Gary Oldman. Jesus. Alright, 29% Rotten Tomatoes.

Nice. Not ideal. Let's see what the reviews are. The Return of the King came out the same... 2003 is not as long ago as it sounds yeah i wasn't i was in high school that's it's been a while i don't know man uh how are none of these how are none of these about the dwarves i I can't believe that that's a real thing.

I can't believe that is real. If Chiz would have linked that and said, check out this hilarious adult swim sketch. Or Funny or Die or something. Yeah, I would have believed him. Because that's baffling. And it's twice as good as Thinner on Rotten Tomatoes. That can't be. That can't be. Thinner's a masterpiece, tomatoes that can't be that can't be i mean

there's a masterpiece so i can't shorter i used to make that joke all the time about how like wings of redemption was like a high school quarterback athlete who one day in a chevy pickup truck accidentally hit accidentally hit an old gypsy's daughter, and the guy came up to him and went, better. And we think that he overeats and lives a slovenly piece of shit existence, but in reality he's running 30 miles

a day. He's eating nothing but bone broth, and he's just waking up every morning getting on the scale. Three pounds heavier. No. Just like the old gypsy man said. Just like the old gypsy said. If only I knew an old Italian gangster like Joe Mantegna who could lead me to go destroy those dirty gyppos.

Are gypsies still like a pretty big community? Are they not? I know they're Romani. That's where Romania originates. Romani. Romani. That really was. A place I just made up.

I think that they are a nomadic tribe of people who basically just go around and shit in parking lots and steal. Yeah, that's what Brad Pitt made it seem like in Snatch. Well, I've talked to actual British people and I think it's more of a thing there. We don't have them here. Our country is not built

for that. You have to get on buses and shit, you know what I mean? But you can walk everywhere in the UK in like 10 minutes. You can walk up to Northern Ireland in an hour. Yeah, they got trains and shit. I'm sure those dirty gyppos are like stowing away on top of trains. Yeah, trust me. I feel free to absolutely go hard in the paint

against two groups of people, generally speaking. The gyppos and the deaf. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on now. Because I have many family and family that are deaf so where where how are you going hard on deck deaf yeah well i hope they don't hear this how many deaf uh associates do you have uh five that i can think of like right now off the top of my wow my mom my mom, I could probably confidently say

I could fill a room of 20 people with deaf people that I've met because my mom works with people with learning disabilities, but also in her work, she like ASL, all this stuff. So I had to learn, like when my mom would get mad at me and yell, but I was like, what? She would literally like sign at me subconsciously to get the point across. So, yeah. And my best friends, half of her family is deaf.

So, yeah. Did you ever like fart loudly around them knowing you'd get away with it? No, because there were definitely non-deaf people around there. Oh, OK. OK. Yeah, that's interesting. I don't think I know anybody deaf. I don't know which one of them did it. That's the best part.

Actually, their noses work even better, so you've really gotten them good when you crop the whole group of deafies. You know, I don't know if I had that conversation ever if I was like, do you just smell? How do you ask that? Do you smell better than me? How would I fucking know?

How do you quantify that? Oh, I'm sorry. How would I fucking know how do you quantify that i'm sorry how do i fucking know oh man yeah i did i did have to uh my friend my friend's brother was trying to go to the concert and he was lost in the in the in the fucking area why did he go to a concert that's like a blind man going to art gallery because it was her brother and he wanted to support her so I had to go find him but I didn't know what he looks like and so I was looking around and I

realized like how helpless I was because I couldn't be like Todd Todd like I had to look for somebody who was equally as lost as me make eye contact and then be like Hey, and then when he waved in like didn't say shit I was like ah here. He is he's got a pocket full of marble so you can whack him with him from there There are like deaf Concerts which is like music specifically. It's like just like it's like just very clear like you know I mean like rhythmic bass But so they can feel the vibration, right?

Yeah. Yeah. It's vibration stuff. But I, you know, yeah, I took ASL for two years in, in high school.

Didn't learn a fucking thing. Yeah. I didn't learn very much of my mom speaks it, you know, so it's just tough. Yeah. I don't actually hate the deaf. I just think it's funny because what I mean is,

is that, you know, I can say whatever I want about them. They don't, they don't hear it. That was, that was kind of the whole joke there. I don't really have. And your joke about the gyps them, and they don't hear it. That was kind of the whole joke there. I don't really have any hate.

And your joke about the gypsies, because they don't have an internet connection. Was that at that angle? Absolutely. They're poor, dirty, nomadic, white trash, garbage people who don't have any way of ever seeing or hearing about it. I don't think I've ever met a gypsy, so here we are. I definitely have never met a gypsy.

You ever lose your wallet? You have. Okay, well, I was pickpocketed at warp tour 2008 jippo maybe i can't believe they got in there never at the warp tour yeah yeah they get out there they get out that's why you need those chain wallets back in 2008 you would have been hip and had your wallet. I was a fool for not doing that. Amateur mistake. My cool-ass chain wallet and my big jeans that were black. Your Janko jeans. That would have been very late to be wearing Janko in 2008.

Yeah, you're right. 2008, that was like a no-no thing. I wonder if they made Janko jeans for midgets. Oh, that'd be really funny. They're called pants. They're shorts. They're just called shorts. Yeah, just shorts.

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Join the movement. Yeah, I've got those glasses somewhere. I literally do wear them when I play Total War or something because I don't blink. That's something I've noticed. Dude, Total War saps your eyelid's ability to close. It's just one more turn. The SPQRr is gonna come back

yeah i use these roto ice eye drops which is like pouring yes oh my god i got the blue ones i really need to get the green ones because the blue is too intense for me the the there's there are comics like about roto about roto eye drops where like where you're just you just fucking drop them in your eyes and you just see laser beams it's just they're they're incredible they're just like it's illegal not so cold it's like if there was a way to describe cocaine in your eyes that's probably what i would imagine it would be it's roto in your eye well you could just put cocaine in your eyes that's a thing but i don't know is that a thing of course that's a thing i don't know i asked of course it is people put cocaine in everything on everywhere that's degenerate just do it up your

nose or on your gums like an adult don't put it in your eyeballs yeah don't put it in your eyes don't put it in my ass like a margarita glass, you know? Frost that rim. Now, the only benefit to butt alcohol consumption is zero calories. That's absolutely true. You've actually just sold butt chugging to me. Yeah, that's my biggest. I can definitely drink IPA beers, 300 calories in my ass without consuming them. Can I help you out a little bit?

What you want are some ultra slim tampons and a bottle of Everclear, okay? You're gonna love me after you try this. So you take the whole tampon applicator and everything. You just dip it right in the Everclear and you leave it in there, in the fridge. Okay, how long? Whatever.

It's long enough to soak it up, but you want plenty. You want them ready and prepared when you need a fix, right? For you and your boys. Yeah, you and your boys. Yeah. You and your boys. No, no. You're not sharing. This is all. This is.

How else am I supposed to bond in the movie theater with my boys if I'm not getting to do it with you? This is my butt booze. You get your own. You need a spotter. And whenever you're feeling, you know, the shakes coming on, you get a little nauseous, you know, you grab one of those ultra slim tampons. Oh, and you got your fix you got your fix and you got that you know whenever you've soaked it all up you

know give it a few squeezes back there maybe an hour passes pull it right out good to go again i want to talk i want to talk to somebody who has legitimately done this i've never met anybody who's actually done it i was waiting for kyle to chime in because I feel like at the inkling that you at least know somebody who's done it. No, I don't know anyone who's done it. I read about it on the internet. I drank my alcohol like a... Uh-oh.

Are we good? Sorry, lost you for a sec. Yeah, yeah. I froze there for a moment. I guess that was probably on my end maybe. I don't know but yeah you've never done it i drink my alcohol alcohol like a like a normal person my alcohol i had to drink it um so so yeah i it's like half the fun i don't know if i'd enjoy alcohol if it if it just went up my ass and i was just drunk or even i didn't do it more no no no if if if it came down to it if somebody was like hey

i could give you one pill which was equal to a you know a like one drink and you just had to pop that pill in and it would within 15 minutes just like a normal alcoholic beverage it would like you know you'd feel the effects no not a jewel versus cigarettes i'm talking about like an excuse me this is an e Excuse me. This is an eBay. Not an eBay. I'm sorry. That is my fault. I'm not well-versed in everyone else that is here.

However, yes, you can vape alcohol. I'm saying that if somebody offered you an easy application for consuming liquor, would you take that over just the traditional way to consume? Yeah, I think I would because I don't love the taste of alcohol. I tolerate it. I tolerate it. I would not do that

because I like drinking beer. I like the taste of beer. The only downside to it is hangovers if you drink too much and the calories. The calories in particular. No, no, no. We're going to assume that you still have a hangover. over if you drink too much and the calories the calories in particular no no no we're gonna we're

gonna assume we're gonna assume that you still have a hang like you still get all the negative effects of drinking with this pill it's just strictly a like a calorific you know uh bypass and to me i love that yeah like for me i'm fucking four pounds like this doesn't affect me i can drink 400 beers and i'm like all right cool but i just the act of drinking i think it would be a little too dangerous i'd just pop a couple pills and i'd be like all right boys we're shit housed in 40 minutes like let's go yeah i like the taste of beer i love i mean there's some like i don't like beer reporters i think i like beer okay i like beer who doesn't like beer i'm not even that culture with beer like i like like if i'm if it's a I like beer. I'm not even that cultured with beer. Like, I like...

Like, if it's a barbecue or something, or I'm outside or swimming, like, I just want, like, a Bud Light or a Bud Select. Like, just a cold beer. Or a Corona, that's fine. I mean, Dos Equis, I like more than Corona. I like Pacifico. Pacifico's another good, like...

I'm all about that green bottle of Dos Equis with a bit of lime in there and I want Mexican food with it I want Mexican food with my Mexican beer and I want it to be spicy as fuck like I want ceviche little little carne asada some chorizo I want some like spicy as fuck legit chorizo on a beach sounds good sounds great I want piping hot spicy chorizo on the beach. I think that's what it is, though. It's like not the act of, or it's not getting drunk is not

the endgame, but it's like everything that comes with drinking that beer is the enjoyment. Like, if you just gave me a pill on the beach, I'm like, cool, but it's like the act of drinking that beer, holding that beer, going to do things with that beer. Yeah, and the memory's attached, right like when i think about miller light i think about like being like 21 years old and like with my um i was at like a poker game where like we were like in this

building and outside they were hunting um quail like so you could hear people shooting outside okay and they were and they were and they were. It was like a bird club that I was at. That's what they did there. And we're inside playing this medium stakes poker game, like $500 buy-in type thing. And there's a guy over there cooking what are called quail balls, which are not testicles or anything. It's the quail breast with cream cheese in the middle

and then wrapped in bacon and and then a toothpick through with a jalapeno on either side and you grill them and quail is like this really tender much better than chicken meat yeah i've loved quail second favorite bird and there seems to be an infinite amount of them like they keep bringing you plates of them with like a dozen per plate and each one is a bird like each bite is a whole bird and i'm just drinking this freezing cold miller light out of a fridge this is like eight feet behind me playing my favorite fucking game with guys i like and eating these uh quail it was delicious and i still think about that when i think about miller light it's just it's the it's the experience of it i

mean i think we talked about last time i was on how we all agree that like the pinnacle of cool is smoking a cigarette like like for me in the back of a German techno club, like I don't like, I don't smoke cigarettes. I have no desire to do so, but Lord save me if I'm in a German warehouse and I'm just like, just smoking cigarettes back there. Yeah, I'm just, oh, we're ready to go. Oh yeah, Chiz. You're doing that thing where like you have it like in your mouth and then you like. Right. No, it's just hanging out of the corner of your mouth and you're just there with a beer in the corner.

It's just like, you know, the act of it maybe is better. The sum of its parts is better than what your buddy Dieter looks at you like. I think I saw it. Dieter. And you just go. Dieter. Eat the fucking shit. What's he doing in our bar?

He knows better than this. Yeah, I agree with you totally. If I could just take pills, everybody would get drunk way too fast. It's the journey to getting drunk that's the fun part. That's the destination, yeah. Exactly.

I have a new character I've been working on. Oh, perfect. He has a backstory Dieter Dieter is such a fucking Dieter His father was a Japanese Zero pilot He was actually a kamikaze

And his mother Was actually a Jew And I call him the kamikaze kike And he's There's a lot of layers. I like it. Hey, you can't be playing around with the hard Ks. Two hard Ks in there.

I was hoping Harley was going to be on tonight. I wanted to run this character by him and see what he thought. But I just loved him. Yeah, my father, he drove the plane and they told him to crash it. But he was like was it's so expensive We gotta be saving that money. We can't be crashing planes left and right gotta save them I'm just concerned about being dishonorable. I mean exactly be lying if I didn't bring that up All week I mean all the silly G voice but also like talking about, I don't want to be dishonored, but you see, he's all growing trees.

Do you go the other direction with it, where you talk like a Japanese person, but you do Jewish stereotypes? We must save the money. It's a great honor to be spending like this. We need... Yeah, sometimes. No, no, no. No, he's always the Jewish guy. He's the kamikaze guy. And it's incredibly offensive.

And no one yet has laughed at it except for me. You were my first chuckle. Well, I'm 0 for 5. But I guess 1 for 6 now. The woman at the post office did not like it. I went to the local synagogue. They hated it. Maybe it was the costume.

I don't know. It was like the combination of that wide ribbed black hat with the twirly sideburns but also a bandana with the rising sun on it. You have that giant rice patty hat and then a little yarmulke on top of that. They hated it.

They hated it. So when they say it, it's fine. But when I say it, I'm asked to leave Home Depot. Okay, okay. I see how it is. Those are my favorite flips. Even though I know it's coming 100% of the time, it's like, let me present a very normal situation

where this would be acceptable, and then let me just blow it out of we're in a Starbucks. It's like, I know it's happening, but I'm still happy about it. Yeah. Yeah, that's a funny bit. Yeah, I want you to work more on him. Yeah, I'm going to work up a nice costume that's internet ready. Get right on it. I've been saying for a while, I wish blackface was...

So I had a few ideas. First of all, I forgot to... Tucker's just exasperated. It's been like, when can we get off this ride? Can I contribute? Oh, no. We're going down for another loop. Run and go through it.

It's like that roller coaster you do when you realize you forgot you bought the vip band and they're about to start it up again like no no no no i didn't want this we're going twice um oh shit you made me lose my train of thought tucker god let's go talking about how much you shut the fuck up so so i first of all forgot tonight was the show see today is wednesday Wednesday, technically. We do the show on Thursday. And I guess at some point it got moved because of Valentine's Day or whatever the fuck that is. Imagine having people that care about you. It's so lame. What do you mean this ain't going to be good?

Chiz, this isn't going anywhere. I'm not going into blackface territory. I mean, I wish we could wear blackface. I started with blackface. I'm going to wrap up with blackface. But what I was thinking, I was thinking of like, I have, I had more plans for tonight's show that,

that we're going to go into effect tomorrow. Like, like Kyle, the Chiz and I already vetoed the blackface idea. It's been vetoed so many times. I really need some sort of, you really can't do black. There's no,

there's like no way that you could ever shoehorn blackface into an except i have so much shoe polish sitting around with nothing to do with it now and it's just it's it's offensive frankly that i've wasted this much money and we're not talking about the same much money on the shoe polish so so what i'm getting at here is i was thinking of like different things that we could do tonight to make tonight's show a little fun, a little special. And one of them was for Taylor and I as co-hosts, I suppose, tonight especially. Maybe the Dumb and Dumber tuxedos, right? I thought they'd be a little silly and funny, right?

You know, we'd have the orange and blue. If I could go back, I'd have made that happen. But then my backup plan was, let's just wear suits. That'd be kind of fun, right? You know, I knew you got a suit somewhere. I'm wearing a suit tomorrow and playing dating sim games. Yeah, I was thinking about throwing my suit on tomorrow and going and playing dating sim games. Yeah. I was thinking about,

you know, throwing my suit on and I thought that would be a little funny. We could be, if anything, it'd just be a little, a little different, a little different or whatever. But what I really want to do is blackface.

That's what I really want to do. And it has, you want it so much because you know, you can't have it. Yeah. I feel like that's a case of like the, it's the, you can't have it thing.

It's like forbidden fruit. You just want to put blackface on so bad. I want it so bad, and I wouldn't even do a voice. I wouldn't talk about crime statistics or extra tendons or fast twitch muscle fiber. I wouldn't talk about any of that. I wouldn't talk about that it was the African tribesmen who actually sold them. Every time I get on here, it's like tiptoeing around landmines in fucking World War II. And you just, every

time I'm just, I get off and I just wait for the episode to be posted and everybody's like, it was just such a great episode. And I was like, yeah, we good. We're chill. I guess I'll come back for the 15th fucking time. The defamation league's not after me. Right.

I love this kind of stupid not after me. Right. I didn't explain to you. I love this kind of stupid shit. Yeah. It's just like, I want to do a tasteful blackface. Not something over the top. Not something over the top. I mean, I'd have the big lips.

And the white circles around the eyes. I'd do all that. Okay. I'm going to wear circles around the eyes. I'd do all that. I promise you, in your image, I promise you, in a year, Kyle, I will do tasteful prison suit. And then that way,

we can do the same thing. It'll all be good. thing like you know like it'll all be good oh there would be no funnier bit than like me and woody sitting here and being like all right now it's time for the three minute kyle catch up hey guys so we have very limited amount of time, and I'm sorry the quality is so bad, but let me tell you about this blackface idea I have. I was promised that you'd fill up my commissary fund, and, um, that hasn't happened. They found out that we have a Patreon, and they're milking me out of all of it. Please help.

I've only, I've already, I've thrown my hat in with the Nazis, I've got a tattoo, I wanted it to be discreet, they made it on my forehead. They love the accent, boys. I'm gonna tell you right now. It's a huge hit. It's a huge hit in here. Turns out the neo-Nazi guy's huge PKA fans. They love the kamikaze kike, I'm like their mascot now.

I finally found my audience. Somehow we bridged the gap between the weirdly aggressive Japanese inmates and the Nazis. And now we're just all friends. We have a powerhouse now. Now that I've got the Asians and the Nazis together, we have a conglomerate. And it's incredible the unity that I have brought to the prison system with the kamikaze kayak and frankly i don't want to come back that would be funny you know how red from the shawshank redemption got let out after like 65 years and he like couldn't handle it and he wanted to go back

so he tried to commit more crimes be so fucking funny if like you're sentenced for 90 days. And by the end of it, you're like, I can't leave. I can't leave. I don't remember what it's like out there. Yeah, it might be something like that. It'll be fun. I really don't care. It'd be fun.

It's going to be such great stories. You really, the second you're out, P is gonna just explode with like you're gonna have to segment day one day two you're gonna need to keep a journal so you can be like great stories so let's just talk about day one today and like next week is day two and you have content for 15 years like great stories it's gonna be great stories i i i'm really hoping that i get a you know a little little bit a little bit of uh revenation time. We'll call it that. Just enough to wet myself. Just to wet my appetite

a bit. Fall of this year, I might be... I might be getting a little time off this fall. I'm not too concerned about it. I think it'll be an interesting little chapter in my life. It'll make for great stories. My biggest thing is you do it for the story like even if it's even if it's unpleasant when it's happening you look back and you're like i have so no no you can do

the community service nope no put me in there how many days was that put me in just yeah yeah plug me into the matrix i'm ready to go you know a few months in a minimum security federal detention center or whatever they call it these days it's just gonna be putting you're not getting stabbed they wouldn't put you with the real danger no no it's minimum security it's not even gonna be that bad it's gonna be fun it's trying to escape trying to escape they'll tack on another year and then you have better stories. Alright, just chill out with that. We're not going to try to escape. I'm going to find a hobby. I'm sorry, I actually escaped.

No, no, I won't do that. But, you know, I think if that happens... Kyle Myers was only serving a 90-day sentence. 75 days in, he broke out. Now he's in here for 14 years. Yeah, man.

Yeah. It doesn't concern me that much. I think it'll make for interesting stories, frankly, if I do have to do something like that. Dude, if you have to do it, me and Woody will keep the show running. We'll bring a third host on and wait for you to get out of prison it's gonna be great of course yeah tucker will be happy to fill in maybe i'll maybe i'll commit a crime in georgia your fan base is the most rabid shit ever i love them to death it's like half my audience now but i'll be sitting

down and somebody's like hey what do you think about being like a fourth host and i'm like i've been a guest 17 times now i think i'm good just being a guest every three months and we're working on it. Somebody's like, yeah, Rape Squad killers. And I'm like, I have real sponsors. I can't repeat what you said. Yeah, yeah. Don't do that.

No, no. I can't say that. And to any of our fans who are listening, which is everyone who's listening, I guess, we are no longer the Rape Squad killers because that doesn't sell, okay? A wink and a nod between us all, but we're the real sweet kids. Just go with that. It's funner that way. We are the real sweet all but we're the real sweet kids just go with that it's funner that way if we are the real sweet kids we're the real sweet kids they are the real sweet kids i'm not part of that just made a good point just like you didn't even you haven't even told the stories

about when you were in jail and those are some of my favorite stories ever do you have any that you would feel comfortable saying right now i think um I don't want to put you on the spot. I was just curious. Yeah, I don't know. I kind of want to save them. I don't know. And, like, do a whole, like... I've got hours of silly stuff.

Do you got just, like, a tease for us? Like a... Oh, man. Eggs were a commodity. Eggs... Hard-boiled eggs. I don't even... I never...

Take that story back. Hard-boiled eggs were a commodity. Okay? Like, food would come, and it was... I was only in for, like, like food would come and it was, I was, I was, I was only in for like three or four days or something like that. But it's,

it's rough. And everybody was like, I've been in prison. This is rougher than prison. This is awful. He's like in prison, we get to go outside for like two hours a day. We get this,

we get that, we get that. He said, he's like, you see that cooler of water over there? We had to strike for that. There was a hundred hunger strike to get that water and i'm just like shit all right well i'm glad y'all did that for me yeah shout out to you

guys one time solidarity brothers you know and then like like it's like mixed it's white guys black guys everybody's we're all wearing our orange jumpsuits which are a little itchy by the way i'm gonna be honest they try they don't have fabric softener thrown in. I doubt it. A lot of starch. The beds fucking suck. And they're like, I've been in prison. The beds are so much better.

The beds are so much better. I'm like, yeah, this bed does kind of. It's like this thin roll-up pad you throw onto a metal bed. And the pillow is so thin that you've got to fold it twice to get a pillow like like enough pillow to put your head on and is it cold oh it's cold oh it's cold in there oh yeah oh absolutely but then it'll get hot and there's no way to get cool again so i've got like my i got my orange jumpsuit button down to like my belly button with like my chest hair hanging out and i'm sitting over there like now you're worried about being too attractive for yourself no not that's not an issue that's

not even tying it up like a britney spears look yeah yeah oops no i don't i didn't shit the whole fucking time like like i mean there were four days haven't taken a shit like um because the food is so awful someone said that they had like a 37 cent a day budget for each prisoner's food. And I was like, I believe it. I believe it. What was the food like? What kind of shit did you get served?

I feel like prison Mike. It was gruel. Gruel all day. Slap. Slap. Breakfast was oatmeal with nothing in it. Just kind of spattered onto a tray a hard bold egg there's hard boiled eggs in every meal hard boiled egg um there was like two sausage links that were like your pinky finger and they were all like dried up and gross as fuck i'd rather they were the best part yeah they were the best part of breakfast that's what i ate

some days there were grits some days there were oatmeal i preferred the grits because you can They were the best part of breakfast. That's what I ate. Some days there were grits. Some days there were oatmeal. I preferred the grits because you can salt and pepper those. You can salt and pepper those, but there was no sugar or butter or anything like that for the oatmeal. Every meal had the same beverage. It was Kool-Aid. You had Kool-Aid in a very small cup and it was like this is my cup of kool-aid for the next six hours once it's gone it's gone they don't have free refills in jail

no so it's like there's a little i think it's Barry. Is that Barry? I hear great. I hear Tamar's great. Sipping on our fucking Kool-Aid. Prisoners are all cool as shit, right? Everybody's cool as shit. There's one child molester in the group, though, and we all know who he is, right?

Word gets passed around. That old motherfucker down there, because there's levels. And I'm up in the high level. I wanted to get up high because it was cooler up there. Not temperature wise. It was cool. It was like being in the back of the bus in high school.

Yeah. Yeah. In prison for three days and you're working out clicks. Absolutely. He's going to be fine. That's what I'm saying.'s gonna be fine people are giving me candy bars and shit like like like like hey kyle you want you want a snickers bar you want them through musketeers i'm snickers they're hooking me up with candy bars i'm like you want me to put

some money in your commissary fund when i get out and he's like nah i got play dude don't they say that in jail where they're like don't take candy because somebody's in the country and be like, hey, now you owe me your ass, son. I think they do say that, but this was jail, not prison. So this guy was like, nah, man, I just got plenty of candy bars. You remember me, right? Honestly, I'm not hungry. Yeah. Nice.

I just got extra candy bars. I mean, here for a DUI, I just really. No, everybody's in there for the same shit. Like almost, there's a child molester. There's one guy that I was in the initial holding cell with. You molested kids? Yeah. He got caught with an eight-year-old girl with her panties down.

No, you... He was the... He was. There was one guy... Not me! You just said everybody was in for the same shit. And then you're like, yeah, so there's a child molester. What I said was they were all in for the same

99 of them in there are for marijuana or methamphetamine and and so everybody's just kind of got the same like yeah i don't know me right bernie sanders 2020. i got that attitude but there's there's the there's the one guy that i got i was initially brought in with, and he and I are in this cold-ass holding cell, just chilling together, waiting to get processed and put in. And he's like 42 years old or something like that. And I'm talking to him.

I'm like, what did you do? Well, they said I was stealing out of my neighbor's shed. I was like, what were you doing? He's like, I was stealing out of his shed. I. I was like, what were you doing? He's like, I was stealing out of his shed. I was like, how'd they catch you? He's like, well, they caught me breaking into his shed. Open and shut case here. I was like, what'd you tell him?

He's like, I ain't told him nothing yet. I don't know what to say. I'm like, tell him you needed to borrow a shovel. Or something like, he's like, yeah. Yeah, I'll tell him I needed to borrow a shovel. Mikey will believe that. He'll call off the hounds. I'm like, alright. I'm going to do well in here. I'm going to get half these guys off. These guys are retarded. You just have like common sense takes. And everybody's like, You talk to Kyle yet? He's a G-dessimo fucker.

It's gonna be like, give me your Kool-Aid, your little three ounces of Kool-Aid and I'll get you out of jail. I got a big pile of eggs in front of me. Just a hat full of eggs. Just a hat full. Like three dozen hard boiled eggs in a line up. And you're sitting on like a couple of twinks on all fours with your leg up and you're just eating hard boiled eggs tell me again if you if you want my advice it'll be six ounces of what is today's special berry oh jeez i don't know

that's my entire berry allocation so one day we got oh go ahead sorry one day we got rec time right we get to go outside and play basketball in a cage and uh so we're out there playing basketball in a fucking cage and uh and i don't play basketball you know whatever i'm sitting on the sidelines just chilling with like three other guys and we're watching some of the other guys play basketball because there's like there's like a nurse ratchet in there who's like no aggressive play he's like we can't even do layups what she wouldn't allow layups it's she was like nobody don't don't get aggressive she's like you play you can play horse or you do free throws and that's it and it's like i was like i was like well i don't even want to fucking play good god that's it. I was like, well, I don't even want to fucking play.

Good God. What the fuck? There's like three black guys over there playing horse. They can't fucking lay up. It's lame. Excuse me. Rick. Rick.

You wouldn't believe how terrible prison was, Morty. We couldn't even have any laughs. It was all worse. And so me and these other three guys are sitting there chilling. And one of the guys that hooked me up with the candy bar that I kind of knew from the outside. And another guy that I went to elementary school with and actually played Little League baseball with. And he's a black guy. He's been reading his Bible the whole time all solemn and shit.

He was fucking flipping through that thing over there reading up. Also weeb. And the guy that gave me the candy bar, he's a white dude. And he's about my size, I guess. And I knew him. He's like the boyfriend. It's like, I got a friend, and that friend has a sister, and that sister dated this guy.

I saw him around. Enough to know his name. I'd hung out with him. Not go to his place to hang out, but I'd been with my friend. He'd been around and we chilled out and talked outside and stuff like that. I knew it. Me and these two guys are

sitting there, plus a third guy who's one of the black guys that I had met in there who's a nice guy, too. And somebody's like, see that motherfucker? I'm like, yeah, that old creepy dude? Yeah. You know what he's in for, huh? I don't know shit, man. I've just been here two days.

Hoping they get us some peanut butter tomorrow, though. I'm hungry. He's a child molester. peanut butter tomorrow though i'm hungry he's he's a child molester he was pretending to be a plumber and the and the guy caught him with his daughter in the bathroom with her panties down eight years old and i'm just like fuck it's like yeah we don't get that motherfucker i was like yeah i don't like that shit like i'm already like like you're wearing like you're wearing like if i get a couple punches in that's like what two weeks like is it wearing like you're wearing like if i get a couple punches in that's like what two weeks like is it worth it i get a punch or child molester like yeah

no i'm not looking to do anything but i'm going along i'm like yeah i hate that shit that's bullshit everybody else is in here for some some regular old shit you know bill over there stole a shovel or at least you tried to he's a failed shovel thief and you had a blunt in your car and you had meth right steve yeah steve you deserve this one you look like it was meth yeah it was meth yeah it was meth but this guy over here this creepy motherfucker he's in for child molestation and like i got released like the next day but they were plotting to get that guy but i don't think it was gonna happen it was more like fuck that guy he's a piece, but they were plotting to get that guy. But I don't think it was going to happen. It was more like, fuck that guy.

He's a piece of shit. Don't talk to him. And like, don't don't share eggs with him or anything like that. Don't share eggs with a pedophile. Do people bully the pedophile? Like, that's my egg now. No, no, it's nothing like that. No, nobody was aggressive or mean or anything.

Everybody was just kind of like dealing with their own experience, right? Everybody kind of seemed to have the same attitude. And it wasn't necessarily because everybody was only in there for a day or two days. Some of those guys had been in that jail for months because they couldn't get bail. Not because they couldn't necessarily afford it because a bail bondsman is like 10% of whatever your bail is. And unless you've done some crazy shit, is like 10 20 grand so you just need like a few hundred dollars to get out most of the time this guy he was like look i'm no expert the criminal justice field clearly but this guy he was like you know if you ever make it up to

boston massachusetts you're free and clear They got no extradition in Massachusetts. That's where I was trying to go last time they got me. I was like, what? He's like, yeah, yeah, I was trying to, that's why, that's why they won't give me no bail. I, I tried to skate. I run for it. They gave me bail and I was gone. Boom. I was out. I was halfway up to Boston and they, and they caught me and, me. And now they won't give me no bail. I'm like, well, how long until your court day? Oh, shit, August or something? It was like

six months from then. I'm like, how long have you been in here? He's like, about a month and a half or so. It ain't so bad, though. You know, their feed is pretty good. Can I have one of your eggs? And I was like, yeah, man. I don't like hard-boiled eggs he's like oh you will you will cracking it open like gollum so thankful for this egg like like

the fact that they're like just enjoying hard-boiled eggs arguably the least tasty way to make an egg yeah i make that shit when i like, not trying to get up in the morning and do anything. I'm just like, well, it's in the fridge. Like, might as well pop a couple of these in my mouth and I'm good. It was like, thank God for this hard-boiled egg. Were eggs the main bartering food? I think candy bars probably would have been. There wasn't any bartering really going on.

It was just that, like, the thing about the egg was it's hard's hard boiled so it'll keep not for days obviously because it's a fucking egg but like you can have an egg at breakfast and you can put it in your little container we all have like these little plastic containers where all of our shit goes into that's our container and like you know if you need a snack later grab your egg and you got your egg it's not like there's power bars floating around necessarily so it's like it's like you can't save your oatmeal, right? You can't say shit like that, but your hard boiled egg, that's good till lunch. You can have a big lunch if you're not into breakfast, you know? What was the big shit you could get at the commissary that everybody wanted? What kind of options do they have there? I was told there

was like Kool-Aid powder and all the candy bars you could want um but but like i i wasn't in there long enough to to like be concerned you didn't get to dip into that no and like my prison number didn't work on my bracelet or whatever and that's how you like do all that shit so like i i didn't know how to make phone calls for like the first day or two and i know how to and and so that would have also been used i think to like get into the commissary and like buy stuff but i i had no idea how any of that worked and i didn't feel like asking i was just like hopefully i'll be at her you know soon get this yeah yeah jesus what was dinner like or like lunch and dinner same shit like it was like it was this bologna sandwich for lunch that was the most anemic, thin-sliced bologna on this gross-ass bread.

It was like a half-sliced bologna, but horizontally half-sliced. Yeah, it was like you took a normal slice of bologna and split it. It was absurd. It was terrible. And potato chips. That was lunch. That's it? That's not so bad.

That's it. Do they even give you condiments? I don't remember condiments. How do you eat 1,000 calories a day if you're eating 200 for meals? Oh, I lost about 15 pounds. I lost a considerable amount of weight because I didn't eat. I just slept most of the time. I was like, let's just sleep through this nonsense.

I was like, wake me if they need me. And occasionally they would. I'd have to do a thing but like for the most part i just like slept and like wrapped up i took my pillowcase off the pillow and wrapped it around my head like as a blindfold and just and just slept as much as i could to like like just you know nap through this whole thing and i'm pretty good at day sleep i can i can sleep a day away you You can knock it out, yeah. I knock that right out. We had television. I forgot that. We had a TV with CNN on and we could pound

loudly on the plexiglass and be like, Channel 32! Let's do it! He'd be like, I already changed it once this hour! Jesus Christ, dude. You're literally operating a remote control and you're in a bunker over there. What else are you doing?

What a fucking douchebag. Didn't want to change the fucking channel. What were the shows they wanted to watch? There were some realities. The days of our lives. Prison Break. Mostly CNN because the Korean missile crisis was going on uh and kim jong-un was occasionally like launching missiles over japan and shit like that so that was like the news of the day and we

were all pretty into that and and you know discussing it what else are you gonna do and uh and then at night like at prime time uh they play like the local news and uh because some of these guys would be on it and then they would play uh like dancing with star with the stars or something like that like some reality show nonsense and uh but but i mostly just it's mostly cnn the way i remember it well jail jail doesn't sound nearly as bad maybe i'll stop in sometime that's what i was like maybe i'll just try and see what's up maybe i'll make some stories of my own yeah Maybe I'll loiter a little too long somewhere and find myself. I don't know.

I feel like I'm not built for jail. You know? Oh, you're built for it, my friend. I'm built for it, but not in the way that I want to be built for jail. You know what I mean? Well, you're a runner. Perfect. They're like, hey, twinks are in this season, huh?

I'm like, yeah. The way I remember, we had two, maybe three showers, andinks are in this season, huh? I'm like, yeah, we had a, I, the way I remember we had two, maybe three showers and they were like in the cell block. Like there wasn't somewhere you went to shower. It was like there. And then there's like two or three toilets by that with like a little cubicle wall between them.

But I was like, you know, I'm not that dirty. And I did not have to shit. I'm just going to chill. You didn't shower or shit for four days? Three and a half days. Yeah, about three and a half days. I had not showered the day that I went in.

That's gross. You should be put back in there for that. But I'm in air conditioning the whole time. I'm not sweating. I didn't stink on it. I got home and I was like, do I need to shower? Nah. No, I showered. I a shower nah no i showered i showered immediately yeah i showered immediately and i had a nice shit yeah i don't remember if

i shat because i just hadn't been eating i just hadn't been eating anything i mean yeah if you're if you're not eating then it makes kind of yeah i just had a little bit of oatmeal like like i'd literally have like two bites of oatmeal meal. Yeah, that's enough. Because I'm not burning any calories either. I'm just sitting. Just all day, just sitting watching TV and sleeping. And talking to those guys because they're... It sounds weird to say they're nice guys, but they really were.

You know, they were all in there for most of them. Were in there for nonsense things. Like almost all of them were nonviolent things. And like, like, like one of the guys, like literally the one guy, he's like,

I had a blunt in my car. And the other guy was like, yeah, I had a little myth in my system. And I was like, yeah, okay. You're also taking these guys a word for it.

Well, I only had a blunt. Well, to be fair, it was weed that was going to be rolled into a blunt and by blunt i mean two to four thousand blunts because it was ten pounds well the thing about it was like like they had no reason to lie to me because like we're like in a cell block like like locked up and and and you know they would tell me other things and i was just like

what if they think this is good for credit. Can I tell somebody about this? They would tell me stuff that they were going to do in the future. I was like, don't do that. Don't do that. He's like, when I get out, I'm going to do this and that. No, don't. Bad idea. I don't think you're shaped up for a life of crime because you're here.

We've all failed out very early in our criminal careers we we won't make it we're not going to make it in oz we're going to get a not the swastika tattoo on our asshole first day he's like when i get out i'm gonna do this i'm like no don't don't do that man that's that's worse that's worse than what you're in here for don't do that he's like is it i'm like yeah yeah yeah don't do that just just they all had bright ideas about the future and the things they were gonna do when they got do they have like checkers or chests or cards or anything you could cards they had poker but you couldn't gamble and like like gambling is boring and there's no cigarettes in there so like like it made me think back to rounders when like edward norton's character

did not smoke and yet he would gamble with cigarettes and they and like he gets released and he's got all their cigarettes and he walks out he's like come on man you don't even smoke and he's like yeah and like as soon as he gets outside the gate he tears the cigarettes in half and throws them away he's like winter takes off yeah there's nothing to gamble with in there except for eggs i guess and nobody's gambling i love it gambling with eggs incredible yeah we'd have enough eggs to gamble with so so yeah there was there was no real uh no real gambling to be done it's mostly just cnn it's boring doesn't even sound like remotely enjoyable no i think it doesn't sound bad it just sounds boring

you know what i mean like like yeah that's exactly what it is it's it's just it's it's extreme boredom you know there's a lot of chatting you know i we'd have i'd talk to these guys about what they were doing and what they'd been doing and like you know especially the guy that i went to elementary school or with with or whatever and used to play like little league baseball with and you know just talking to people about what... Just talking. There's nothing else to do. Nothing. Nothing to do. Damn. Pretty

boring. Again, I made for a couple of good stories here. I'm trying to think if there's anything else that's of note that we did in there. I don't think so. The whole thing was silly. I'll wait until Taylor gets back to talk about it.

Do we have any more ads, Chiz? Am I skipping anything? I don't think so. Yeah, I think I did. There were a few different guards and they'd be on shifts, right? So we'd get to meet them all throughout my stay anyway and i got to learn like which ones are liked and which ones are disliked like what makes a good guard versus like a like ones that just like reciprocate friendliness or like some of them are just jerks and like kind of abuse their power they're just rude or whatever or like you know they won't change the fucking we're talking about oh he gets gets his headset on. Where I was talking about the guards and like the different hierarchy of the guards.

Like there was one guy that they called Barack Obama because he was like a clean cut black guy who kind of sounded like Barack Obama, I guess. And I immediately made him my friend. I was like, like he had to take me somewhere and like bring me back. And I was like, you know, all the other guys in there, they got a lot of respect for you. He was like, for real? Yeah. For real? Do you really mean that?

Do they like me? Yes, Barack. I said, they call you Barack Obama. They admire you. They say that you're firm, but fair. Well, I was born in Kenya. It's like, wait, what? He's like, that's good to hear.

That's good to hear. That's nice. But then there was like a white lady who was just the worst person ever. She's just so rude. Just so rude. Just like, you up there. You up there in that bunk bed.

Get down here. You sleep down here. This guy's sick. He needs to be up there where it's warm and i was like fuck you i i've been in this bunk bed for 48 hours now this is my bunk bed all right go downstairs and sleep in the cold and like but then but then she gets off and i'm like i go back upstairs and i want my, hey, I want my bunk bed back. And the guy's like, alright. I didn't want to be up here anyway. I heard you were messing with my friend Kyle's bed.

I'm here for it. Oh, man. I love it. That's really fucking funny. It seems like the... Was she fat? I picture fat. Mm-hmm.

Okay. I'm right on board. Typical give a mention, they'll take a mile. Yeah, where it's like she had to feel like overcompensating the whole time of like,

they all know they can take me, so I gotta be twice as cunty to you know make it to be authoritative i had these shackles on at one point like full crazy shackles like it was hannibal lecter and uh the guy's like hey uh they had to like move me somewhere and the guy's like all right chill right here and he put me like this little cell i gotta do a little bit of paperwork and then i'll grab you and then we'll go to where we're going and like but he didn't like lock one key lock on my full like shackly thing so i was able to like like slide everything out and be completely free again so when he opened the door i was like holding all the chains and cuffs in my hands i was like i'm not houdini or everything, but I am free. And he was like, what the fuck?

Oh, Chiz asked, were you wearing anything particular the day you were brought in? Yes. Yes, I was. I had on a pair of novelty underwear. Were they MeUndies?

No, they were not. Because MeUndies does not make a pair of underwear with an elephant face on the front and a trunk to put your cock in. You were wearing that in prison? Yeah, in prison. Yeah, I'm wearing these yellow boxer briefs with an elephant's face on the crotch and uh and his trunk is my cock like it goes down into like a a whole like trunk

and uh and so like when i was first like getting into my jumpsuit or whatever i was you're supposed to be naked in there or maybe in your underwear i I don't remember which, but I was like, hey, man, I wore some silly underwear. You think I could just keep my basketball shorts on over here and just nobody will know? He's like, what are you in for? I told him. He's like, ah, you'll be out in a day or two. Yeah, no worries. Don't worry about it. That's more for people who's going to be up in here. I was cool and so but but then when I was like getting out your cock in an underwear elephant trunk unshowered for almost four days yes yes I did that's so vile I burnt that underwear I never again I would have cared if they'd seen the underwear

I'm telling you this is a bunch of country dudes who are just like in there for fucking DUI and pot and meth and a little bit of shovel stealing yeah and then the one rapist and that one child rapist but it was like clear right away that everybody was like

hey we're in here for some normal, regular dude shit that people just, you know. People do. People do sometimes. That guy's a fucking scumbag, though. What's he doing in here with us? You know, there was definitely a, they did not want him in there.

It was interesting, you know. Fun stories. I remember long ago when Woody and I would talk about how there was a bunch of young commentators, especially early in the YouTube thing, and there'd be really young guys. And I'd be like, you know, those young guys, they don't have anything over on you and I because we've lived lives already. Like, we've already done a decade worth of real world adult man shit and in your case two decades of adult like real man

shit right they don't they don't have our stories and experience if they're if they're 15 years old and like hey so uh i'm i'm doing good at call duty again guys, guys. I think I'm getting there. Mom says I got to wrap this up soon. So all right. Just watch the video. Let it wrap up later. All right. But, you know, this little nonsense that I've been caught up in,

I think it makes for good stories. It's fun. It's seasoned me as an individual. It'll be different than the county jail though yeah yeah it's supposed to be better hopefully yeah hopefully better and hopefully different yeah i wonder if pedophiles make their own kind of mini gang in prisons because they know nobody's going to be on their side and so they're like oh you're dealing kids no i feel like they just don't identify as pedophiles until they're outed. You know what I mean?

Yeah, well, nobody is like proud, loud and proud about being a pedophile. That's what I'm saying. So like, why would you be like, this is my gang of child rapists. Like, it's really great. There's a gang of them. They're all like 5'4". Right. Just like squirrely and not good, you know. I mean, there's those Nly and not good, you know. I mean, there's those Nambla people,

you know. I just re-watched the other day the whole Howard Stern episode where Stuttering John goes to the Nambla convention, the North American Manboy Love Association. I thought that was literally a South Park joke. No, that is a real fucking thing that they were exposing for

the world to see, just like Scientology. It's just as real and just as fucked up as they portrayed it. And Stuttering John is like there, he's asking them questions, he's like where's the best place to take a small child in Disney World so no one can see? And they're like, I'm not going to answer that sort of question. We don't molest children. That's mythology.

Okay? Children don't get molested. Okay? That doesn't happen. That's not even a rumor. It's just in the ether as a mythology. That's like a Liger or Zeus. You're just born knowing that that was a thing.

It floats around in the membrane of the world, the ethos. That's so ridiculous. What age would you say that a child is ready for sex? Well, I think that the child should decide.

From an infant to 8 years old, 11 years old, 14 years old. Well, I don't think there is a certain age. You know, whenever the child is old enough to make that decision and understand the pitfalls and possibly ramifications of it. He's like, so you won't rule out infancy. Well, you know, these children need to make decisions. It's like, what the?

Just say not an infant. Just say not an infant. You not an infant you ghoul that yeah an absolute ghoul like that that one for the that like nambla clip where like he's talking about the little boy that he was feeling and touching up where he's like and tony he i went over to his his family's house and taught him how to throw the pigskin around and when he when he dropped the ball i came over and I helped him throw it back and practice it. And he knew what I was doing.

He knew it. He pushed himself into me and he liked it. And, you know, that's the kind of thing you need to appreciate with children is they're much more mature than we know. And it's like you're a monster. You need to be. If King Taylor were in charge, there wouldn't be a documentary about these people.

It would be blood sports on TV. I'd outrank the NFL. They would be forced to fight to the death. Like I didn't, I just was mystified. This is incredible. Cause I just, in all the wrong ways.

Cause I just thought this was like a South park, like extrapolating one aspect of a nasty culture and just making it a joke no idea that was like a very real thing oh yeah it's a real thing incredible and all they're calling them uh maps now we talked about this couple episodes like they'll call themselves maps a minor attracted person because apparently that's better pr than fucking kitty diddler yeah they, they want to get tacked on to that whole LBGQ acronym. They want to get tacked on to that. That's their main goal in life. I bet they do.

And all the LGBT people are like, fuck it. Gross. And some of them are like, well, you know, everyone's different. It's a big spectrum of life. We're all beings of energy, okay? Oh my God. All right. I'm going to veto of life. We're all beings of energy. Oh my god.

I'm going to veto that one. Tucker, where can everyone go? We have to get to Dan's house. Just right after Nambla. You guys can find me at nambla.com. You can find me. Just search Jericho and video games and I'll pop up.

I've been here for over a dozen times. Thank you for having me again. This one was one of my favorites. Real good hearty chuckles all around. A lot of hearty chuckles. Thanks for coming on, man. Yeah, of course.

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