Painkiller Already - Painkiller Already #443

Episode Date: June 21, 2019

On this week's PKA, funny back and master of the dicks himself, Dick Masterson has returned to join PKA in celebrating the St. Louis Blues victory in finally getting a Stanley Cup so Taylor doesn't kill himself, the guys watch some great fight clips in the waterpark and in a Subway that gets quite bloody and then react to a hilariously cringey 2003 employee training video for the now defunct GameCrazy retailier. Come join in for the laughs.

pka episode 443 with our guest dick masterson kyle dick masterson dave.com is our sponsor tonight so is goat.com and of course postmates you know what got recommended me to me on youtube the other day you know it's kind of weird how youtube works you just randomly get recommended this shit it was bill burr reacting to dick masterson on uh on that. Yeah, I watched that video. Have you seen this guy? This guy hates women. It's great. And you had the greatest slam on that bitch in the audience of all

time. She's just like... Would you say I would be at the back of that line? She said something like, there's no women interested in you and Dick goes, honey, there's a whole line of women interested in me. And they're all on this show. She goes, well, I'd be

at the back of that line. And he's like, well, maybe if you hopped on the treadmill a little more often, you'd make it to the front. It's also funny that she admitted to still being in the line. Like, she's still in line. She did admit to still being in the line like she's still in line she did admit to still being in line but you know the last thing you want to do when you're in an argument with somebody is explain to them why they're wrong it's the only thing they understand is being humiliated

that is the only thing that wins arguments in my opinion it was i remember thinking of it like it was yesterday i think i'll remember it my hopefully that when i get the alzheimer's or the dementia that is the last memory i lose i remember thinking of it as though time stopped like i was in super hot and just i had the line in my head and i thought okay all you have to do is say it without stuttering and that's the most upsetting thing in the world is having a great joke or one-liner and stuttering and now you're the fool. I hate that.

If you hit the front a little more, you'd be at the treadmill. Oh, shit! Shit! Fuck! Phil, can we get another run? Can we do that again? She pretended like she didn't hear it. She clearly heard it. And her reaction was,

it cut her so deeply. It was great. And it was like Lisa turning Ralph down on the Krusty show. Like, ah, yes. Yeah, you just see his little heart crush and fracture and fall apart. Great. I love that Bill Burr even has to kind of apologize for laughing at it. I watched the I remember when that came out. That was right when my right when my podcast started is when he he watched it and talked about it.

He goes now, you know, ladies, you know, he's saying a lot of things and it's true for a lot of you. What are you saying? A lot of you. But God, you got to admit that's funny. I mean, I'm a comedian and you got to that that is funny that is a funny guy did you think that he thought it was real yeah i think so bill bird did he did he catch on to the fact that this is sort of a character you're playing i think so i would i would so kyle disagrees you don't think i mean he may have but he certainly didn't uh admit it on you know his little review of it or whatever he wasn't like yeah there's a troll on the internet he was like and there's this there's this guy out there this anomaly who just really hates women he sort of had a mustache and was wearing sunglasses of course like his head shaved looked fucking

ridiculous obvious the second you see it you're like this is a joke and all these dumb bitches don't look like he was about to go cut a promo for the WWE or something like that. And they're hating him. It was great. I loved it. All you were lacking was like two hot, like literal prostitutes to be like your, like with boas around their necks, like backing you up in there. You know what?

They sat me for the show. It was the weirdest thing. When we got to Dr. Phil, they get you in at like five in the morning and load up the audience and then for that show they sat all of us weirdos in random seats all around the audience and they sat me i think 100 on purpose they sat me next to these two huge black ladies right in between them who were like who were talking to me before the show about their kids and all this shit uh i was like you know i was being my normal self just talking to them oh how you like california you know they tip the country and all the weirdos end up here blah blah blah i know midwest humor my mom's from the midwest i know how to charm midwest ladies

so when i got up and started doing the routine, I look back and I'm like, I know you guys sat me here to kind of psych me out, but these two big black ladies gave me power. Like I draw, they're like my gold kryptonite. A big American black lady is like my, it gives me, it recharges my batteries. Nothing gets you amped up like a big black woman. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Someone see my search history. They were like, that black woman yeah yeah exactly someone's seen my search history they were like that this that and the other this guy oh yeah all right so it all worked out everybody's playing a game here it all worked out you think they would be the two to figure out immediately like oh damn i thought this show was real that's why i flew here from illinois yeah instead of getting mad at you you go up there you're totally different on uh on your twitter the other day i saw you like uh you retweeted a lady's tweet who had like a zoo file in her account name and it was like her i couldn't tell if i think it's real because it was real videos of her open mouth, tongue kissing dogs and saying things like zoophilia is LGBT, whatever the other ones are.

Add a Z. LGBT Z. Yeah, and it's like zoophile pride and all this kind of stuff. I need to go back through your Twitter. Oh, I love that. And get it because it was – That's what Disneyland is opening the doors for. Zoo files. That's what LGBT means.

LGBT-Z. You guys all left out the Q. No, Q-Z. Why do you... I feel like if you put the Q in there, that covers all of it, right? I'm not 100% sure. Are zoo files

queer? I don't... Is it another girl dog that she's fucking? I'm not 100% sure. Are zoo files queer? I don't know. Is it another girl dog that she's fucking? I don't know. There's an L and a G. Isn't the Q redundant? I don't understand. The important thing about this,

the L is redundant. Yeah. You know, people struggle with this acronym already. It seems like they could cut it down by quite a bit. They got greedy up front adding a lot of them, and now they realize they've got to add more, but that ship sailed. You can't have an acronym with seven.

Drop the L because it's part of the G. Drop the Q because it's part of the G. Put a Z in there. ZTQ. Wait, what? It's just Z now? Now it's a whole movement about Z files. It's just Z now? Now it's a whole movement It's just GTZ I think

The disturbing thing about the account that I don't know if you can pull it up Dick from your Twitter or if she blocked you or something I think she did. I think it got deleted actually I was trying to have her call into the show because the one thing I've learned over the years is that freaks sell.

So and they like trip over themselves to get their weird fetish out there. I just wanted to have a chat with a with an out and proud zoo file. Yeah, that would be that would be interesting. And there is a 100 percent chance that she is letting those dogs fuck her too. Yeah. Absolutely. There's no way that you're like a proud zoo file and then suddenly you stop at kissing. No way.

No fucking way. She's getting railed by dogs. Maybe she's doing other things to dogs like eating. Help me with the mechanics here. How could you put yourself out there? And I know this is an area where Kyle has some expertise.yle taught me that doggy style can also mean butt to butt waiting yeah that's that's the end result that's the end result of like actual dog procreation is they get locked together by the knot on the cock is this a thing that would happen to human

women too yes absolutely it is yeah i because i'm wondering maybe their vaginas are large enough that a locked dog penis which i'm not even quite sure what that looks like would still get out human babies sometimes it is sometimes it isn't there have been issues where the people didn't realize there's some percentages there are well it depends on how large the the dog is and how how petite the young lady is and which hole it went into, obviously. And there have been instances. That's some out-of-the-box thinking. Yes, it is, literally.

Zing. There have been instances, of course, where, you know, we've all heard that 911 tape where the policeman made the pot brownies and now he's freaking out, right? He's like, I think we're dying. I think we're dying. Because he doesn't realize if you wait two hours you're okay or whatever well there have been ladies who have gotten attached to their uh uh furry friend and then called 9-1-1 because they thought they were just stuck there forever and then you know the paramedics have to come and get some ice water and douse the dog down on you know his penis and make it shrink down and then they can separate the two and it becomes a whole issue i would call if i were if i got a dog dick stuck in my ass i would call the

police just to resist arrest so they'd kill me like i don't want to any part of that life that's horrible wow that's what they should do to people like Get Moe. You're a zoophobe. Imagine being the kind of person with the mentality that you want to make out with dogs and have sex with dogs and animals. Maybe she doesn't even stop at dogs. Who fucking knows? It's not a dogophile. It's a zoophile. She might like snakes and birds and shit.

Who puts that out there? You have to be a genuine crazy person. Snake is the coolest one to me. I feel like the snake doesn't care. The snake's just like, oh, it's warm in here. Because you used the whole snake. You know, yeah, Woody thought the snake used its penis, I think, based on his reaction. You used the whole snake.

Snakes can be bitey, and I'm just trying to picture this. Well, you don't use the bitey end. But the other end is just tiny. You put a little snake gimp mask on. A little snake gimp mask on. It depends on the snake. A little snake ball gag. Now Dick is winning me over with this. How do you do gerbils, Dick? Tell me more.

Actually, if there's one animal that a ball gag wouldn't work on, it's a snake, right? Yeah. Well, he did say gimp mask, too. That's where I was. The gimp mask, that's definitely a funnier image in my head. And then the eels, of course. I think they're even more suitable for insertion because of their wriggly, slimy nature. Yeah, yeah.

How would you get it in there, though? It's all topsy-turvy, floppy. I have some videos I could show you. I know you've shown me one, and it shows it coming out. It doesn't show it going in. Well, you want a lot of them. You want a lot of them you want a lot of them and often a funnel is used or perhaps a um oh god damn it what's that no you're right now that you said the word funnel i do remember you showing me

yeah the funnel yeah you gotta have your your benford 9000 eel funnel of course is that the one where it was like the as woman? And the funnels and the pussy? Yeah, that one. And then they just take like a couple of fucking dock workers, dump eels into her snatch. Oh, I thought that was going to a sushi restaurant. What is it? I swear, we put the 10 in and there are only 7.

Dock worker dump eels? What is this you're talking about? No, like a dock worker, just like some random guy on a Japanese dock who got hired by the porn shoot to come in and dump eels. Normally he's out whaling.

Usually he's whaling, killing endangered animals. You got an accent. Hey, yo. I've talked about it a little. I once went swimming next to a dock. Hey, we're Japanese eels from New York. And I was surrounded by like, I can't even imagine a thousand eels, 1,500 eels. And I'm like, accent hey oh i've talked about a little i once went swimming next to a dog from new york and i was surrounded by like i can't even imagine a thousand eels 1500 eels and i'm like is this a

thing does taylor have the the like answer to this mystery as to why i was surrounded by a thousand eels once i i still don't know they wanted in mushrooms what was the reason? No, I was swimming by them. I don't know. I don't know why. You're just handing out the vibe? You got that ass out there? They were all around me. I was scared to death. None of them bit me.

And they might not have been eels. They might have just been eel-like things in the water. Long fish. Well, like, I don't know. Is there some sort of worm that's eel-sized? Like, they were this thick. Oh, yeah. And they were swimming around

and there were tons of them. I think a large chunk of them might have been dead. Where the hell were you swimming? Ocean City. The bay behind the Ocean City in New Jersey. New Jersey! What's the problem? Had a nice swim in a worm.

The water's warm! Yeah. But, but you know they absolutely do get locked together and if you want some um legal depictions of this you could just go to bad dragon uh you know over on our bad dragon and of course they have the penises modeled after dog and horse and unicorns and all sorts of things and then you can find the ladies ladies using those uh and uh my favorite of course are when they pay for the the cum tube attachment and so like once they fit feel like they've had enough of rex or spin or whatever the or giddy up go daddy or whatever the toy's name because they all have like beast appropriate names so like yeah you know they'll look and they should they just blow a huge load of fake cum from the the toy into

themselves it's good stuff you remember that youtuber that worked with one of them she was super hot she made like exercise video was her name summer? Remember her name? I think it was SarahXXX? No. Yeah, she was a YouTuber. I paid more attention to her than normal because we were climbing the subscriber count ranks at the same rate, but I was always envious because she would

plank on a yoga ball and get tons of views and fame. I think we remember. You're such an incel, Woody. You're so angry. ball and get tons of views and fame and i'm like busting my butt i don't remember her you know woody i am sexuality i don't think that's true having anything any umbrage with any woman on earth it means you're an incel now in hindsight she might have been outworking me it's just not in the video realm right she probably ate less than she really wanted to worked out harder than she really want like there was a she was making videos with bad dragons i don't know she did though yeah no

on uh i don't know it was literally a bad dragon but um she on youtube she just made like some exercise videos she'd like i don't know raises and stuff literally plank on a yoga ball that's not like a fake example and she was super hot one percenter mega hot but she was also on porn hub and all she did was blow like a like dildos like regular dildos like like yeah like but it came yeah and one of the videos dildos that come aren't regular to me i think i'm a little vanilla yeah you're right i feel like a bit of a prude as well. It's like a car with a sunroof. Don't act like they added a jetpack. Come on. Okay.

Can you have it come any liquid you want? Yeah, absolutely you can. You want some pudding in there? That's smart thinking. This is ripe for a prank. You just fill that thing up with squirt cheese and you just keep it on the coffee table and whenever you need just get it out and use it

on a cracker or something like that. I feel like it should just be the house's magic shell dispenser. And use it in the kitchen. Come on, kids! Who wants a sundae? Let me get out old Rex the horse cock! Imagine being so

into wanting to fuck animals that you get bored with the existing animal dicks to choose from and you have to go on to like Reptar and fucking Sphinxes and things like if you go to like what's

your thought process when you're like do I want to fuck Rex or Bobo the cat or this is all so lame I'm ordering a Reptar I'm ordering a 19 inch reptar. That's as girthy as my lower thigh. It's going to blow out my already ruined asshole. Have you ever seen

a woman use the big ones? To me, I saw it out of a curiosity and it wasn't hot to me. It was like a reverse giving birth as this woman struggled to take in what was a baby you're watching the wrong videos i don't want to see you struggling i want to see

a lady who knows how to handle that i have seen a lot of those videos uh i'm a big fan just literally the toy is about the size of like i'm trying to think of a fruit like definitely a gourd of some kind but that's you know you know, gourds come in different sizes. Antelope, almost. It looks like, you know, on Thanksgiving when you have that big like cornucopia of like weird like squashes and stuff. It's like one of those. It's fucking huge. It's way bigger than this bottle.

Like much bigger than this. Who's the male lead on Roseanne? Dan Goodman. John Goodman. It's like John Goodman's forearm. That's how big these things are. Hell yeah. Like a ham hock.

Is that bad dragons next item? John Goodman's forearm. John Goodman. When bad dragon approached me about John Goodman, forearm, ham hock fucker. I was a little turned off, but see you,

you start out with the 2019 version of it and then once you outgrow that, you go to the 1998 version of his forearm, which is much fatter. The 1992 Roseanne edition. 19 inches of girth.

It's just enormous. I don't know why... Just, can you... I mean, it doesn't affect me at all but just fuck human looking dicks man um words i don't i don't know i i i think we should really be focusing on the they don't just have dicks of course that are multi-special they have uh vaginas so you can fuck all sorts of leopard pussies and reptile... Leopard? Does it have holes in it?

No, there's no leopard pussy. Just a regular pussy that's swish cheese. I wanted to call and report a problem. I paid $89.99 for this leopard pussy. First of all, it's full of bits. We have a problem in the molding process. No! I got an idea. We'll sell him his leopard pussies.

Get 10% off Duke Dog Dicks now at BadDragon.com Fuck yeah. They're expensive. They're expensive. Where are the vaginas? The masturbators. And you might think, like, there's nobody actually ordering these. I ordered one

March March 22nd. It'll be here Monday. That's how backordered they are. That's the pocket pussy I want to use. Just a dog's snout and teeth. The wolf snout. Wolf snout and teeth.

I feel like I can show this because it doesn't even look like anything sexual to me. Honestly, of all the things on this site, that's the thing you could probably show. it doesn't even look like anything sexual to me. Of all the things on this site, that's the thing you could probably show. Dude, you could put that right on your nightstand. Nobody would think anything. Oh my god. Go to the fourth picture on the site.

It's got like a horizontal cut. So you can see the kind of curvatures and pleasure bumps and nodes your dick's going to be coming up against. Look at all the colors you can up with oh wow a hundred dollars yeah mine was 150 they're they're pretty fucking expensive i didn't even opt for the cum tube if you click on the colors i feel like it helps me understand what it is dude making up vaginas for fictional characters has to be the easiest job in america like just what's this one

gonna be well it's gonna be a tight rubber hole but this time it's gonna have like a squiggly on the top it's like perfect that's exactly a mario box on it why is there a mario question block did you click on it one of the yeah you can get it skinned up that way maybe it's just to demonstrate that how custom works i don't know yeah No, no, no, no, no. They come with that skin on them. I follow, but to me it's like a demonstration of how we can do anything. No, I've seen them in

action. Some ladies like that. Oh, have you seen the wearables section? Yes, I have. You can put this over your penis while you have sex if you want or you can just does it work on micro penises asking for a friend yes it does have you guys ever tried one of these things no no i'll have mine monday yeah do you have

like a tracking number yeah nice yeah did you wait wait what did you buy you bought a tracking number? Yeah. Nice. Yeah. Wait, wait. What did you buy? You bought a dildo or a company? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. I got a huge unicorn cock. I'm very excited.

I'm going to really shamefully use it on a young lady. It's going to be great. Nice. She's going to cry. Shamefully. Yeah, because not so much from the pain pain but from just the thought of what's occurring yeah yeah that's all it is it's not gonna hurt look at this packers stuff your shorts with something special so is this just something you put over your penis that isn't even it is

so the idea so the idea from that and that's one of the things you got to keep in mind here some of these people are they sort of what what's the the the piece the the politically correct phrase they're um not necessarily furries some of them are furries but um you know they're people who believe they are animals to some extent and so like part of that process is having an animalistic genitalia and so they'll strap and sometimes it's a lady you know she she identifies as a male wolf so she needs to be packing heat down there and and she just goes over to baddragon.com she wears up one of these hot dogs why would it matter what these look like if it wouldn't even stay on unless you have your pants on oh it'll stay on there's a whole contraption wait i don't understand isn't there a strap like a it's not

a strap on i did i'm not looking at the page uh taylor is looking at but i i'm assuming that yes it would be a strap on situation it might be it doesn't have straps in it but you can put an unflared stallion pecker i was listening to someone the other day like i can't remember who was saying it could have been rogan it could have been some other podcast. And they were explaining that there's this company in Silicon Valley. He was having this conversation with a friend of a friend or something like that about how it's a little weird that some people are pushing the furry thing onto their coworkers. He's like, you have no idea. We've got a guy we can't even get rid of. He has a litter box in his office.

He identifies as, I don't remember what it was, a cat or a dog or something like that. And we can't do anything about it. And he's in there shitting in a litter box. Oh, man. Early contender for cool guy of the week.

Fucking burying it, and then we all gotta go in there and do and present our tps reports to this motherfucker like we don't smell it i wonder if he's good at his job well he uses fresh scoop i i don't know he must be like a doctor house level genius for them to let him shit in a litter box. Does he wipe? No, it's not lupus. Grrr! What if you're not good at your job and this is a way

to make yourself fireproof? Right? Like, identify as this shit in a litter box and then goof off all day long surfing Reddit. Wait, why wouldn't you fire them anyway? It's not like if you walk in and catch somebody shitting in a litter box and they go, oh, no, no, I like to pretend to be an animal and fuck other people. No, that's not what they say.

They say I identify as a kitty cat, all right? You firing me for using that litter box is the equivalent of you coming in here, seeing me kiss my husband, and we're assuming this is a man, and firing me for that. Okay, kitty. You discriminating against me. You discriminating against me. You're going to lose the whole goddamn company. All right? So if you

want to stay in business here, I suggest you go in the corner, get the scoop, and clean out my goddamn litter box. Because remember, I'm a cat. I can't clean it myself. Because I'm feeling a second act coming on. So, no, there's no way that you could make a discrimination case

to protect a furry who's shitting in the office in a litter box. There is no way. There absolutely is. I wonder how a litter box would hold up to a human male p the guy like like drinks too much the night before and he's just blowing all the everywhere on a good p i can about refill a nalgene bottle so how would that work in a

litter box i was in a very small cat those pods where you can climb in and it cleans itself just a giant one of those. I was explaining to someone the other day who's not American, and it matters in this instance because I feel like we have these big road systems where we can end up in traffic for hours and there's six lanes wide and stuff that I piss in traffic in my car. And that sometimes I plan ahead knowing that I'm probably going to have to piss in traffic. And I'll go to the gas station.

I'll get myself a regular beverage. I'll get myself a water or Dr. Pepper or whatever. But then I'll also buy a Gatorade with the wide mouth bottle and immediately dump it out in the parking lot. And that's my pee bottle. And I'm prepared because if I'm driving to like Alpharetta, which is North Atlanta, and then back, if there were zero traffic, this is like 40 minutes each way. But with traffic, it could be six hours before I get back and getting off the six lane highway, getting off 285 or Georgia 400, and then going to the gas station and getting back off could literally add 30 minutes to the drive because it takes so long to get off so long to get into the gas station, then back out and then, you know, the pissing itself. So I bring my Gatorade bottle

and I fill that up. And he was just aghast. Like I told him I had a litter box in the bottom of my Camaro, and I was spotting it. You're close, though. I don't think I'm that close. You shit in the car. Look, if I got to shit, we'll pull over. What if he only peed in his cube?

I don't want people to go to the bathroom in the bathroom. I will also accept the woods and maybe the grass use whichever bathroom you want but use a bathroom use a fucking toilet you god damn weirdo what's what's weird

Taylor judge and jury please is it weirder to park on the shoulder and then just go to the edge into the trees where you might be spotted because you're not going a half mile in there or to pee in your car? Oh, like... Depends on how crowded the road is.

If you're sitting in traffic... Okay, if you're stopped, I would just do it in the car. In the car is better. Just get it it in the car in the car just yeah just get it done in the car i've never ever gotten out of my car and like left my car on the road and gone to pee uh i've never thankfully i've never had to stop driving to vomit but for p i usually like especially on road trips i'll just try and pee in like a gatorade bottle and you always end up like i think i was either not having enough room. I was. I wanted to be clear on that.

Yeah, the vomiting. I was definitely vomiting as a passenger. Oh, well you're thinking of that time I vomited out the window. We didn't pull over. We didn't pull over for that. I was thinking about a different time I've had to vomit in the car. I think I'm just applying logic to it. Yeah, I've both done a drive-by

vomiting and a pull-over-and-run vomit out of my vehicle. But both times notrun vomit. But both times, not actually driving. And both times, very drunk, yes. Yes. I think holding the warm piss would make it worth pulling over for me. I don't want to be that intimately familiar with my own body temperature. I'm the same way. Cold day, you're going to be thankful.

There are people in my universe that do the van life thing. I know Kyle and Taylor know. You've heard of van life, Dick? I imagine it's living in a van. You're aware of the homeless out there. People deck out vans. I've heard of homeless people. People deck out vans to be.

Is that derogatory now? Homeless? Is that the van lifestyle now? Are they downsized, tiny house, toiletry challenge? So they deck out their van to be like little RVs. Works only for abused housewives.

Van life is sweeping the country. I could go on and on. There's like a whole lot of things that happen because millennials don't make as much money as boomers did at their age. So it's like go from RVs to van life. You know what's really cool? Minimalist lifestyle.

I like to hardly own anything. But back on topic. But it's definitely a choice. There are people in my universe that do the van life thing, and there'll be like a bottle of Gatorade sitting on their kitchen counter. And it's like, I know that's not Gatorade. There's not that many flavors

and that color is not one of them. And just to be safe, you always want to do it in like a blue or a green kind of Gatorade bottle. You don't want to go into a lemon lime. You would be very dehydrated though if you were that orange one. Citrus maybe?

Yeah, it's always orange yeah oh is it okay yeah yeah it's uh but but yeah i'll absolutely piss in the car i've done it many many times like like i couldn't count the number of times i pissed in the car in the moving vehicle while i drive i got a whole system and everything i talked about it shows ago so i don't go into it and i don't have my hot dogs here to recreate the demonstration or anything anyway um but hey but but you know the the worst is when i don't have my gatorade bottle though but i'm just i have to piss so bad that i i'm like unbuckling my pants to try to get less pressure on like my bladder and i'm just looking around and like the longer it goes on the more desperate i become and the more the better certain items are

looking to be a potential vessel for piss like at first it's like well that won't work yeah that would never work come on and then it's just like that could work you know i guess that monster can might work and so that ziploc bag will hold it if I just zip it halfway. I'll put my dick in and zip it up too. Put a rubber band around the outside. That sweet and sour sauce pack for the rest of it.

Oh, sriracha. That was sriracha. What's the closest... Have you guys ever gotten really close to shit in your pants driving? Oh, yeah. I've done that. Of course. I've never shit my pants, but I've told the whole story about ruining that bathroom

in Florida where it was that or shit myself. I just didn't make it. I got in and it was just like... I had to shit this moment, but the toilet seat was just covered in piss, so I just pointed my ass at the toilet and I, I let it rip.

And, and it was just, it was just the worst thing of all time. It was so bad. You know, you, you go through life seeing those shit stained toilets and gas station bathrooms.

You're just like, what degenerate would come in here and disrespect the place like this. But then, then one day you become that person like you what's the thing you you either um you either die a hero or live long enough you know it was just like it's either and keep in mind i got eight more hours left on this drive it's not like i can just like waddle into a walmart and get some new underwear without being incredibly humiliated so it's i do not want ruined at that point no no i haven't shit myself yet that's the thing like like the option is shit myself sit in piss or ruin this toilet and i chose option c i haven't shit myself since high school

i don't think that was awful i've got a really good record going of not shitting myself like maybe this is recent this is maybe like six weeks ago i i was leaving somewhere that was like 20 30 minutes from my from my house and i had that feeling of like oh i'm getting rumbly i'm gonna i'm gonna need to poop really bad soon it was one of those days where i didn't have a morning shit and so it was you know later at night and i was like i want to poop in my own house i want to poop at this person's house and so get in and i start driving and i get like 15 minutes into the drive and there's an enormous amount of traffic for an accident and i it was i was getting so close to shitting my pants that i went from the you can pull off at a gas station

oh no you can't make it through there right now fuck uh you know what i bet i bet this happens to a lot of people i bet that i bet that a lot of people poop their pants driving sometimes you know this probably if i do poop my pants it's not that big but then once i got like on the last open road of a few miles to my house like this was like six weeks ago so you had your new car yeah and so i and i got on like this straight away like like on the final road to get to where my house is and it's like some hills like a little hilly, and the speed limit's only like 35 or something. And I got up to like 80-ish. It was so reckless and dangerous going over these hills, almost catching air, trying to get home.

I could have died. I would have fucking died if I had hit a deer, if I had run into another car, a kid could have run out in front of me. I didn't care. I had to poop. If you'd seen the blue lights, you'd have pulled over and immediately just got out, ran over to the side and shat because you wouldn't have had time to I didn't care. I had to poop. If you'd seen the blue lights, you'd have pulled over and immediately just got out, ran over to the side and shat

because you wouldn't have had time to explain to him how bad you had to poop. I wouldn't have stopped. That'd be the first. I would have kept fucking going. I would have got home, ran inside and been like,

I surrender, but I got to shit. I'd run in and then they'd, I like to think of Taylor squatting, pooping, and being tasered all at once. I'm just sitting there oh stop resisting stop resisting you call 9-1-1 like you got a hostage in the car

are you not pulling over for any reason it's a dangerous individual the last time i shit in my car um it was i back when I had the Lexus, I got a truck now, had really nice leather seats. So I felt it coming. I felt it squeeze past the goalie and thought, oh, well, fuck, here goes. Here goes this car. I might as well just steer it into the steer it into the concrete because I can't. I will never not be able to smell this. into the concrete because yeah i can't i will never not be able to smell this uh and i remember bowing myself like you know off the seat as soon as i felt it squeeze past like oh nope no no and

i'm driving like i'm driving holding myself propped up on one foot you know but my core isn't that strong so i know i only got a i only know i got like a 90 seconds to take care of this i start grabbing garbage i'm one of those guys that just eats all the time in the car and then throws the bag in the passenger seat and that's the trash yeah i'm that kind of guy too i hate being that guy yeah i just grabbed it and started struggling it under me so i ended up halfway to home just sitting on like a mountain of garbage like that guy in Fraggle Rock driving like I'm sitting on a telephone book and constantly like checking fruit fruitlessly I don't know what I thought I was gonna feel but packing it in in the hopes that it would absorb it I guess my own kitty litter box is what I ended up sitting on how far away were you from home like 20 minutes a long way uh and that's

when i gave up drinking one of the times i gave up drinking i don't think i've had any bathroom issues since the last time i was on your guys's drinking show have you really given up drinking or is that uh i give it up all the you know i gave it up a long time ago there's i've had a couple uh probably a couple hundred relapses since then. But the important thing is I wake up every day and congratulate myself for giving it up and coming to terms with my alcoholism. Well, it's one day at a time, Woody. One day at a time.

That's what we say. I'm not the bad guy. I know it was cute and interesting. One day at a time. Man, that sucks. How many times have you shit yourself in the car oh god more than one well it's not fair because it's la so you have to drive everywhere you know i can't just you if you're walking you don't say you shit yourself walking you just run into a

bathroom but they're freeways 20 ways 20 minutes both ways you're fucked yeah none of us live in a place where you can just walk around. Maybe Taylor does, I don't know. No, I don't. I was trying to make him feel better about his shit. There's no one who's listening to this right now in LA going like, yep, I shit myself all the time, dick's spot on. You get drunk and then the next morning

you're driving home and you shit yourself. That's part and parcel of living in a city. That's pretty normal. Pretty normal for LA, man. That's why we got the typhus. I like that our, like, you know, hey, I know we'll start off asking Dick how he's doing, led there. Taylor, topic two was going to be anything new in your life?

Well, I mean, I don't know if, I know dick doesn't know because he's half mexican and he lives in california but st louis blues won their first ever stanley cup last night fucking sick i was out at this bar a blues bar called obie clark's here everybody was i like lost my voice partially just even like trying to talk through the. People are freaking out so much. A big group of people, after we won, tried to push over the arch. That's not a thing. You can't do that. I know.

It's like 600 or 700 feet tall. You're not going to push that over. But there's just a bunch of videos of dozens of people being like, pushing on the art. You can't push it over dummies. You got to pull it over. And so the blues have never won before.

I've been around for since 1967. Uh, the last time they made it to the Stanley cup finals, they got swept by the Boston Bruins who they beat this time in seven games. So that's like 52, 48 years ago, whatever it is. Yeah.

52. And the, it's just such a crazy story like we were last place in the fucking league in january last place worst team in the league and we go on the hot run we switch out our coach uh we had some bald uh guy whose name was yo yo mike yow but he was white i don't trust a white man with the last name yeah so they fired him brought in barubi and he was a like brawler for like a thousand eleven hundred games in the nhl philly yeah everybody loved him in philly because all he did was like he wasn't even that good at hockey he'd just be

like hey craig that guy's causing some problems go knock his teeth out so he'd go fight and the all the guys on the blues really respected him and And so bringing him in, we went on a huge tear. We're the hottest team in the league. Make the playoffs. Get past the Jets in the first round, the Stars in the second round, the San Jose Sharks in the third round, and Boston in the fourth round, Stanley Cup final. I'm so fucking stoked.

I was freaking out. I was screaming. Everybody was like, it was a fucking riot where I was last night. And then I went out and bounced around to a couple bars. I was so hungover this morning. I felt horrible. I felt, I think it was also because I forgot to drink any water at all yesterday. Did you work today?

Yeah, yeah. I had a, it wasn't until like late, late morning that I had to do something. And so it was fucking sick. I'm so stoked on it. Like the Blues have always been this fucking loser ass franchise that never does anything. And so even like rivalries

with other teams never felt that real. Cause it was like, yeah, but we all know we're going to lose. Like we suck. Like we never fucking win. This is the start of a new thing, Taylor. And we finally won. I believe you guys can win a cup

every 52 years going forward. Well, you know, so be it. At least we got fucking one, man. We got one. And so that's the right thing to do. What if something happened and they're just like the NHL commission has convened and because of rampant drug abuse by the Blues, we are taking the cup away from them and awarding it to the Boston Bruins.

Oh, there would be like a Revolutionary War-style march of people in St. Louis. They would attack Boston. I don't know if they know the way. They don't even know how to riot properly. They're trying to tear down National Monument. You flip over cop cars, you idiots. Come on.

Haven't you been paying attention i don't think you're bad riots or anything like everybody was just so happy like yeah last time there was a bad hockey ride it was 2011 in vancouver but that's because they lost and they flipped the fuck out but yeah i don't think i was seeing a report that nobody even got arrested which seems like propaganda because i saw people who were absolutely were going to get arrested at the bar was atlas they get arrested on regular nights why would no one get arrested the night they win the stanley cup that's i'm telling you that's why i saw that from like some bullshit st louis rag and i'm like oh no that can't be what yeah this is the highest crime city in the country

of course people are being arrested a couple of blues fans too they call it caracas and us do you know how um you know the hockey meme probably better than I do, where I think it was the Blackhawks who lost. And the guy goes on Reddit and says, you know what? This just doesn't seem right to me. The better team didn't win. There's a lot of weird things here. We should have a do over. That's kind of how I feel with ball.

Like even with this win last night, which is a pretty good win. Was it four to one? Does that sound right? Yeah, 4-1. Smoked them. You guys were still wildly outscored. Loud shot. Outshot, but outscored over the series as well.

And I just... That's a weird metric to look at it, because nobody else looks at it like that. Like, they don't go like, oh, they scored seven goals that game, but then you only scored one here, and you got eight, but this team scored four games, four goals twice. That's eight. Like I'd rather have people look at plus minus three. It's a big thing in hockey. That's genuinely fading out. Like, cause they're, they're finding that it doesn't have as much like to do

with actual results. So they're moving to Corsi and like goals like that. Yeah. They have momentum for sure. And so like it's sometimes it's easy to run out the score. Like Boston doesn't win close games. They either blow you out or they lose. The Blues excel at winning close games because they play a different style.

The Blues are probably the biggest team in the league, and they play a one-guy forechecking, four guys in the back trap. And so it's basically if we get up two to nothing on you, you're probably not going to win. If you go up, you know, if the bruins get ahead of us and they score five goals early or something like we're not going to come back we're not a team that scores five goals and so it was really just two styles playing against each other and when the bruins play their way which is fast moving like quick puck movement they beat the blues because the Blues aren't fast enough to

keep up with them. When the Blues get them, the Bruins to play their style, which is heavy hitting, constant physical contact, slow the game down and force the Bruins to grind because their players are smaller, the Blues win. And so it's really what team can force the other one to play the game they want to play. All right. I appreciate your analysis here. Another hard hitting question. Am I crazy and biased or did the Blues have the best playoff beards in all of hockey? They definitely did. Definitely did, but there was also bias there because Brad Marchand, that rat-faced fuck on the Bruins,

has that horrible, horrible patchy beard. And guess what the best thing is? I fucking hate that guy. Everybody in the league hates that guy. On the hockey reddit people are Like posting the picture of him crying after losing with his glove in front of his face. Nobody's like Fucking loser suck because all he does dick if you don't know he'll just like Come up to people after the play and punch him in the back of the head and then skate away

He's only like 5 9 and so the Bruins have a 6 foot 9 defenseman And so he's like a little like hee hee hee hee. Comes out and like will jab you and then go hide like a little pussy. This guy is my favorite hockey player of all time. He's the guy last year who went viral because he was like going face to face with someone on the Vegas Golden Knights or something. And he just like licked up the guy's face. Like just in the middle of the game.

Just licked up his face. It was such an alpha move. He straight up licked the guy's face. His tongue you see that middle of the game just oh wow no it was such an alpha move straight up and licked the guys his tongue was out two and a half inches and he just that that was really fucking funny yeah his face he licked the other guy's chin and cheek like yeah can you imagine how violated you would feel like you get that guy's face you get in the guy's face and you're for it. You're ready for anything. How much? I don't know.

Did he get penalized for it? I don't really make that right. Did he get penalized for it? Because I don't think it's in the rule book. I think everybody, that was like almost like air bud rules where they're like, nothing in here says you can't lick an opponent. Try and get in their head. Did you just know that that guy who got licked went back to the bench and was like,

what the fuck? Man, I wish he would just hit me. I feel like that was sexual assault. You know? At first, I was really upset. I licked someone. But god damn it, I kind of liked it. But the best thing

about what happened with Brad Marchand in Game 7 of the Finals is he's not only a pest, he's one of their best players. The NBC branded – because NBC is so fucking dumb. They come up with brands for different lines if they're in big market teams like Boston or Chicago that they care about. They called the Boston first line the Perfection Line with Bergeron, Marchand, and Pasternak. And first of all all they had one point combined through seven games so eat shit perfection line and then also i feel bad because i see bruins fans like why do people keep acting like we invented this nickname we don't like it either

it's really lame stop but uh the way that the blues scored their second and game-winning goal was seven seconds left in the first period we're're already up 1-0, and we're bringing the puck in. Our best defenseman, Petrangelo, is bringing it across the blue line. Marchand, that guy, he's a forward, not a defenseman, so he sucks at defending. He tries to go for Petrangelo, misses. Petrangelo gets a little bit ahead of him, and then instead of Marchand turning around and pursuing the play,

he just started skating away to the bench. He just skated away for a change with seven seconds left. And then Petrangelo sees a huge wide open lane and is like, thank you, and just scores right away. And that took all the wind out of Boston's sails. That's a game-winning goal. So thanks, Brad Marchand. Super glad that you gave us that little gift right there.

You should thank Philly. They're the ones that made that horrible trade and gave you Shen. Is that his name? Shen's great. Shen's been cool. Ryan O'Reilly is the guy we got from Buffalo. Every Buffalo fan's like, yeah, it fucking sucks, dude. But even one year ago, Ryan O'Reilly was so sad

in Buffalo. He was like, in an interview, he accidentally let the mask slip and he's like, I'm just kind of losing the love of the game up here because because in buffalo he was like it was just a culture that like like they were fine with being shit and fine with losing and he was like this sucks i don't like this and so he got traded here dick yeah or they get burnout so as soon as they get popular I gotta take a break don't worry about my mental health it's too much

isn't that so funny like imagine someone with a real job doing that where they're like I know it's tax season and I'm an accountant but I gotta take a break from my own mental health I'm sorry it's like oh you take as much time as you need yeah you have to find somebody else

you're right that is silly well I'm very happy for's like, Oh, you take as much time as you need. Yeah. You're going to find somebody else. You're right. That is silly. Well, I'm a, I'm very happy for you, Taylor. I will say,

thank you. It's not as funny as if you guys had lost. I, I, it's, it's, I had all kinds of high. Yeah. What were you going to do?

Bring, bring up the drinks. There was good. So I was going to obviously show up with like full background. Dick, he makes fun of me every year when the blues get knocked. Oh no, I get it.

Even listening to you talk about how happy you are is making me sick. I'm like, god damn it. I was going to show up in like full Boston Bruins gear. Like a helmet. The helmet. I was going to have a stick. The full jersey. Mouth guard in when I smiled. It was going to be the

Bruins logo. And you were going to think that that was over the top. And then I was going to pull a string and a whole banner was going to drop down behind me and and and at the same time that day like today you would have received a big sheet cake that was Boston Bruins logo and it was going to say it could only be you and you know you know the 2019 championship team. And then what was the other thing? So many things. Yeah. Yeah. I had gotten people to like chip in money.

Like there was a whole coordinated effort. Um, like a telegram, the quartet, the barbershop quartet. Yeah. There was some consideration of a barbershop quartet as well. That was more difficult because you have to write the song for them.

Um, and, and then we decided that that would be better aimed at another person we don't like. of a barbershop quartet as well. That was more difficult because you have to write the song for them. Then we decided that that would be better aimed at another person we don't like, so we're working on that and the songs in the process, but we'll talk about that once it gets... Another person you don't like. If it ever materializes. You know what I mean. I know. That is so much more

in-depth. That would have been almost worth them losing to see you dressed up and then the little unfurling of a Stanley Cup champions bag. I was very pumped for the...

I think that there was a point when the Bruins were up two games to one, maybe. Yeah, they were up two games to one. It was that night when that happened, when the main discussions were going down, and people were like, are you going to order it? Because, you know, you need to order it now so you don't have to pay for the extra shipping.

And I'm like... I lost all of them. But the recording is still working. Checking my bets and and and just just bet on the blues pulling this out because i what am i gonna do with like three hundred dollars for the spike gifts if the fucking

win this thing i can't come out here with that shit if you would have felt like such a doll man and you're just like the cake the banner yeah that's everything yeah i mean at least you can still wear that black haw, that nice hoodie you got a couple years ago. That's a nice piece of clothes. It's very warm.

It's pretty nice. Yeah. I like that thing a lot. I wear it a lot. And like I was answering the door for Postmates the other day, and the driver was like, that's a sick shirt, man. I like that. You from Chicago? And I'm like, like no my friend just hates

these guys i don't even i don't even know i called on the black feet for two years i had no idea isn't that what you did i remember that when like we were playing in the first round a few years ago and just in the first game kyle shows up at 140 black cox hoodie and like and no hockey knowledge the black feet are gonna smother you our defense so good goalie the best like checking hitting the work really good skating the best skaters the best ask anyone like yeah so i'm really excited about it we don't have to talk about it anymore though no it's great see i've never had only happens every 52 years the only

time that i might i've had a championship team that's you know one of my teams was i think i got to go back to like uh the braves winning the series in 95 you know i cared about that and i watched all of that even as a young child at like nine years old or something like that maybe a little younger probably eight and about to turn nine. But, you know, UGA has come up short a couple times the last few years. And the Braves, you know, they made it deep in the postseason for like a decade and a half, but they never got back to winning another World Series.

And the Falcons, I don't remember. Have the Falcons ever won? If they did, it was when I was a kid or something like that. I think you got to go back to like early 90s maybe. Maybe 80-something or something. I don't know. Obviously, they were right there at it three years ago when the Patriots came back and beat them in that incredible comeback.

Tom Brady is the GOAT. And, you know, i'm not a big like hawks fan or anything like that but i i don't see them they're not a great team anyway so yeah yeah yeah congrats that must be really cool because you're not only is it like your hometown team but like it is your team it's not like you're really into the cardinals or something too uh or or you know any regional team you're not a bulls fan or anything like you're a fucking blues fan so that's really cool yeah it's the only team the only sport i even watch yeah but very neat very cool you guys want to watch this video oh pal man i saw that

yeah i saw this last week and it is fucking hilarious this uh this lady was out i want to say hiking and they had to rescue hilarious oh god yeah yeah hilarious yeah no i was like were we done doing what's new for everybody woody i was gonna say congratulations i saw that you're a grandfather now that's not even true on your subreddit that's unbelievable is that true no oh i saw somebody was saying that you had a your daughter had a kid or something like that that you guys were watching no yeah she was in school is that not just a just a couple trolls on that's just some trolls they're super active right now yeah i it's why would they that? I've been in the internet hot seat lots of times. This is the first time where I feel like I didn't do anything.

They're just attacking me and then also my wife and kids. I don't even know why, but I've just been staying away from it. That's always the best approach. Now I'm embarrassed. I was on the right. I don't go on there. I didn't know. First when you said it, I was like,

how does he know that Woody's a grandpa and I don't? The fuck? Are him and Dick really tight like that? I just got cut out of the loop? I was sent a gift. No. I didn't want to talk to my daughter. I don't want to go in a weird direction.

People are jerks. The truth is we're watching my son's parkour coach's kid. They found themselves in a jam and needed help and my wife is just built for this. She's watching the kid. She's just great at it. I always watch her doing flashcards today and stuff.

We're watching this little girl, and she's sweet. Are you worried that she might be like, I'm not giving it back? Yes. Yeah, absolutely. No, it's fun. She hands you a little bag, and she's like, Woody, you're going to go put that in Brian's truck,

and I'm going to go make a phone call. This is our baby now you're gonna swap it like indiana jones's flower sack got your baby but then the dad is doing parkour to try to catch what he has this is a very different this could be a good movie. Yeah. It's fun to watch her watch this baby. I have this theory that it's

a chemical reaction in a lot of humans, right? We evolve to breed. But when I watch her, like, mom, I see her in a really positive light. I'm like, this is great. This is what you're made for.

When you watch your wife, you see her in a positive light? Yeah. It reflects really well on her to watch a baby. I don't know. She's perfect for it. Well, this...

Yeah, now we're onto this poor old woman poor old woman spins this 74 year old woman i think she was a hiker yeah she's a hiker and and you know she gets injured out of the trailer whatever so that they send in the rescue team with the chopper and they're they're they're like raising her up in one of those, uh, those fucking things they strap you in. And we've all like, you know, maybe suspended something from a string and you know how to do that spinny thing. She starts spinning. We're going to watch the video of course, but she starts spinning like a goddamn cosmonaut.

Like, like, like she's trying to win that last fucking Soyuz capsule seat or something like that. She, like. Do we listen to this with or without volume? Has anyone pre-listened to this? Unless you can hear her being like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. I think we want the volume because you get like the guy who's like,

is just like, oh. Are you guys queued up at zero? Yeah. Three, two, one, play. it's just like oh are you guys queued up at zero yeah three two one play a local ABC news station sent their chopper and recorded the rescue okay look there's another chopper over this chopper

yeah yeah yeah a little bit of wind that's related spin There's another chopper over this chopper? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A little bit of wind. I wonder if that's related. All right, that can't be good. Spin, spin. I'm going to let it back down and try to get it under control. Remember, there's only seven. He's the crew trying to put the basket down.

She's spinning so fucking fast. That's not good. That's not good. Oh, no. Look at that. Look at that. She's going, What do you even do? She's doing 130 RPM easy.

No takeoff, they're going to lose. Leave it. Let's go. We're either drilling for oil or we're taking a body to the hospital. She's still spinning too fast. And it's not anything what it was before. She says, I hate to see that. Oh, my gosh.

That is not good. Now they've got her on the ground. She's in a stable condition, my ass. She has blood coming out of her eyes. And days later, she's still dizzy, she says. Oh, my ass. She has blood coming out of her eyes, and days later she's still dizzy, she says. Oh my god. It's been days and she's still dizzy. She's 74.

That looks like torture. That would be the worst thing ever. Can you imagine, like, oh, thank goodness, the rescue choppers. Honey, turn on ABC 4 and you can see my rescue well yeah i'm going up now yeah i'll give you a little wave oh oh oh man i'm pulling about eight g's baby i gotta let you go

from her eyes? Yeah. Yeah, they were popped out like rat fink when she was halfway through. No, it's like, remember in Total Recall when Arnold gets sucked out into the Mars atmosphere and he's like, ah, my eyes are popping out of my head. It had to be like that. It was good. She's fucking, yeah.

She's fucking losing it. Dude, that sounds miserable. She was probably like hoping for death in the middle of that really bad spiral because maybe she went unconscious and then it gets faster and then it gets to the point of like blurriness it's she's going so fast well i think she would have gone conscious in a different type of spin but because of the because she's lying flat like that it's uh it's driving the blood the blood to her brain that, it's driving the blood, the blood to her brain. That's, so that's why the blood's coming out of her eyes.

Um, so like when, yeah, what those cosmonauts are often doing, it's a situation where they're, they're in a seated position, but the G's are pushing down. Yeah.

Yeah. That's a good point. I didn't think that through. Yeah. Um, so there's nothing she could have done. Everyone knows blackout, right?

The opposite situation happens. It's called red out and the blood goes into your eyes and it so she probably was in that stage of it the opposite i didn't even know that was a thing and i wish i still didn't that sounds awful passing out certainly did much blood in your eyes i don't know that you pass out you pull back on the stick and oh yeah the Gs that push you into your butt. You push forward on the stick, the Gs pull you up in your seat, and you can get read out. It takes a lot less Gs. Why don't they just hook her up, not by flat ways.

They could have done it like Boba Fett's ship, just from the top. Yeah. Then take her that way. Or just by the feet. Yes. Or just by the feet. That would have been much funnier. Dang, they're like a bat. That's how we do it on the feet. Yes. That would have been much funnier. That's how we do it on the farm.

Just put me back on the ground and leave me. She's trying to whittle the rope in two. Dear lord, take me into your warm embrace. Does anyone know the backstory? Why was she being rescued? She was hiking and got injured

She's a 74 year old woman hiking alone Sprained her ankle, nothing crazy Yeah, alright, sprained ankle I knew that 74 year old got injured I just didn't know where she was I'm sorry, how bad the injury was Yeah, it looks pretty remote I don't know

The next video is suggesting me to watch how hard can you hit a golf ball from Smarter Every Day. Oh, he partners with that Mark dude. I've seen that video. That guy's channel, all his stuff, it's like I didn't know that I cared until I see it and I'm like,

well, I'm not going to not learn how hard you hit. You want to talk about some shit you didn't know you cared about? What? I've gotten sucked back into the MRE review channel that I mentioned about two years ago. This guy literally eats military MREs, like meals ready to eat, from around the world and from every era. And he's a little cringy.

He's like, every time he cracks something open and it hisses, he goes, nice hiss. He's like, all right, let's get that cringy. He's like, huh? Every time he cracks something open and hisses, he goes, nice hiss. Yeah. He's like, all right, let's get that on a plate. And then editing magic. And it's all on a plate. He goes,

nice. It is like, it is pure distilled autism. It's great. Now he, he looks like a pretty, I like him and I think he does an excellent job. He's real ripped.

Like, like, like, like whatever, like sometimes the camera angle cuts back to him. So you can actually see him eat and his biceps and he's not like a big like thick guy he looks he looks like a like 175 pound guy who's just like like paulie from sopranos like he's just fucking cranking those curls out continuously forever because his biceps are legit as fuck um but i i'm really into it sometimes he'll eat shit

that's crazy old like he'll eat like civil war era hardtack i thought world war ii was crazy old no civil war is amazing he'll eat like 100 120 year old hardtack biscuits it's like it's like it's a biscuit i never had it's just like maggoty hard hard bread and like you can tell it's not even like the container is like if he's like i'm doing a a civil war or a world war ii or like vietnam war whatever at least it's like in a metal tin or something like it looks a little bit like it could keep something out he's like now this one's from 1861 where they kind of just put a sandwich with an apple on top and poured wax over it. There's no

level of preserving it at all. Immediately, he'll be like, I got this one. Yeah, you can see all the holes at the bottom from the maggots. It's right here. That's not dust. These are dead bugs. Oh. I was going to ask if that was like... I thought maggoty was hyperbole

at first. No, not at all. I've never seen maggots.otty was hyperbole at first no not at all i've never seen maggots uh that sounds like hyperbole to me hyperbole yes yes hyperbole that's how it's pronounced um but but i really like it like especially when he goes to like other countries like the belarusian battle pack or whatever and they'll have like turkey pate and stuff like or the french they have these cordials which is like some like brandy wine or something like that you know they come with a little packet of booze and and and like most of the meals i really enjoy it and when he finds something rare like he found like a uh a royal air force um like like ocean survival pack that like unwraps and

it's got all this fishing gear in it and sunburn cream. It's really interesting to me. He is brave as fuck about what he'll eat. If he cracks it open and it looks at all edible, as long as it doesn't smell bad, he'll be like, well, it does smell a little metallic and it's got a very chemical

taste to it, but it is hearty. It is hearty. I'll say that about it. He he'll just he'll eat that shit one of my i've watched a few of those recently one of my questions i had for tonight was like what weird youtube genre do you watch so i watch sailing lavagabond right i i don't even want to sail but i'm sort of caught up in this adventure of like two young people living their life on a sailboat because i watch them i get their competitors suggested to me and uh there was one it was like how to have sex in a survival raft and i was like well i can't not click it you

know like we got to see what's up and it wasn't real nice like they they throw it out there they pop it the thing inflates up and it's big and it's durable they try to poke it they can't and and they're really just showing like all these things that come with it they're following the instructions they're talking about how to get in and out of it and different techniques for that and then this dude in his swimsuit and this chick in her bikini start like i don't know they they they work like half a dozen different positions to fuck in and decide that the best one for the survival raft is kind of a doggy style on your side they completely delivered on their clickbait i immediately knew that that was the best position uh my mind did that zach galifianakis numbers in

the air and i was like oh it's spooning it's definitely spooning doggy yeah that's the only way that you're gonna yeah you're not gonna want to, that's the only way that you're going to. Yeah, you're not going to want to get. That's the only thing that works for sure. You know, I wouldn't mind how to have sex in a pool or a spa video. Like, I feel like I figured out some good ways to do it, but I want to know what the consensus is. So you don't get that weird gusher between you, you know, of the water. Oh, yeah. Or, you know, if the water's shipping out. Or you don't lose. You start to feel like a dog dragging

your ass across the carpet sometimes. I wouldn't mind learning about that. There's no good way to have sex underwater. I'm glad you said that. I just... Water's not a lubricant. And it is... It's just always better to transition out

of it. You got germs and shit in there. You're going to fuck in a hot tub that other people drink? Some old man's nasty fucking feet boiling in this water, and you're going to hop in and go for a row with your girl? Fuck that. No thanks. No thanks. Dick is like, well.

That's not me. It was your medically sealed clean room to fuck your friend's girlfriend in. This is so hot, baby. Look at all the band-aids. you motherfucker what do you mean germs outside i've been hesitant of germs and hot tubs or even any sort of like sexual shit in hot tubs for i think it was it wasn't even a sexual thing that did it it was like after a hockey game and i was like 15 or something like we everybody showered and we all went home but that night i was having some friends over to my house we're gonna hang out and play video games or whatever 15 year olds do and we get back there and we had a hot tub and i was like oh that sounds fun let's get in the hot tub and like i think like four of the five of us had showered and i'd forgotten that one of my friends i think it was matt didn't shower and which was weird and i didn't think of it at the time and

then we all get in there and you know a couple days go by and i get a text from a buddy like man i'm getting like these weird bumps all over and And I was like, man, I've kind of noticed that too. What the fuck? And then like we brought it up on like the next practice. And he was like, oh, yeah, sorry. I had like a foot thing. I was like, what? It's like, yeah, I had like a foot, like a minor kind of like foot fungus thing.

And I was like, that's fucking disgusting, dude. And you got in the hot tub with that. And it just spread to all of us. And it went away pretty quickly. But it was just like in like your groin, like the crotchal area, anywhere your skin's pressed tight. You just had like a blotchy, nasty look. And so that's why. That's why I steer clear of it.

Yeah, I got something like that. I'm trying to look up exactly what it's called. It's called folliculitis. There's one called like hot tub folliculitis yeah yeah i got folliculitis like like under my arms and it was just like this itchy rash and again like always i self-diagnosed went to the doctor and he said what's going on i said i have folliculitis i need this this and that he's like sure do a couple years ago i got shingles like an 80 year old-old. Dick, do you have this too? I kind of envy Kyle's medical care. Tell me what you think of this.

Oh, that was shocking when you explained that. But yeah, keep going. My understanding is that Kyle mostly self-diagnoses. He has to go to Google, WebMD, et cetera. But then when he goes to his doctor, he just honors Kyle's self-diagnosis and gets the treatment he needs whereas like my medical care is in the opposite end of the spectrum me too they completely ignore my diagnosis and oftentimes don't really treat anything and like if i were to be like hey you know i i could use a little focus and pick me up can i get some adderall they would no. Well, you weren't diagnosed as a child with ADD.

You didn't get it as a child, so that's probably why. I say, hey, I have ADD. I was diagnosed as a child. I'd like to get another Adderall prescription. Did he make you prove that diagnosis? I'm sure it was in my medical records. I'm asking for a friend. Oh, oh.

Well, I think it was in my – just give him my name. You'll be fine okay yeah this is just the difference in people's ability to get adderall is staggering like you'll go i've been having this conversation a lot recently where people think it's the easiest thing in the world they can't get a doctor not to give them adderall versus the other half of people think well it's totally difficult it's like a controlled substance yeah different doctor just get a different doctor if like look it's not it's not an opiate it's not it can be abused but so can fucking ice cream uh so so i i've never had any abuse issues with it

we knew someone who ended up crushing it and snorting it and being really having a real issue but for me it's just something that like i don't currently have a prescription for it but i could go get it refilled and you know i'd take 10 milligrams if i've got a really long day of strenuous stuff to do that i need to be focused for and i don't have time for my 3 p.m nap today i need to just keep working all day then someone in my universe got adderall and i swear I'm not exaggerating at all. Family and friends had to fill out psychological questionnaires on their observed behavior

for this person. And they had to see another doctor. I don't know if it was a psychologist or a psychiatrist or whatever. But yeah, they had a professional exam in them. They interviewed family and friends and then they got it. That experience makes me not

want to even start on it well see i did that as a kid process i got all that shit knocked out when i was in like seventh grade or something like that so so you know that's all it's already in my history and it's already been done so i can just get it um but like the folliculitis it's like he didn't just take my word for it necessarily i like i took my shirt off and i was like look folliculitis and he's like yep that's folliculitis. And he's like, yep, that's folliculitis. I was like, I think I need this, right? He's like, yep, that is what is prescribed. It's not like I'm like, actually, I'd like to try the Benzocaine 105R.

Yeah, just look it up on your computer. Yeah, I think I'm filling in some blanks incorrectly in Kyle's medical care. But I still want that imaginary thing. I want like a Mexican pharmacist who just prescribes anything. I say this because I know people who's gone to Mexico and like you don't need a doctor's prescription to get lots of shit. Yeah, he's always given me what I asked for, but I've never asked for anything that's not appropriate. I feel like some doctors don't want to give you antibiotics unless you're very sick, but that time

I had to go film in the desert, I was just like, hey, I'm very sick here. I'm not making this up. I see three times a year, maybe, and every time I come, I'm sick. I have to go work for the next two and a half weeks in a fucking desert.

I want antibiotics, I want codeine two and a half weeks in a fucking desert. I want antibiotics. I want codeine and I want anti-inflammatory and anti-inflammatory injection in my ass. And he's like, yeah, we do that. Yeah, I I have they are so stingy with their fucking Vicodin in my experience. My girlfriend got surgery and I was I was telling her to get Vicodin the whole experience. My girlfriend got surgery and I was telling her to get Vicodin the whole time so I could steal it. Not only would they not give her a script, but they

injected some weird subdermal time release pill of some kind of Oxycontin, whatever it was, I don't know, but that was the painkiller they gave her. They wouldn't give her anything else. Did you try sucking it out yeah that's uh that's uh that's gonna turn you gay it's full of fluoride

assholes like i'm sitting there she's in pain i'm i'm in much more pain because i i don't have the vicodin and i'm like it's easier for me to make a text to go get the prescription that i need than it is for you to just give it to her you bitch like what is your what is your problem here yeah i don't think there's a huge opiate problem in the country but i so um i i do this paragliding thing and people carry med kits with them right because it's a dangerous sport people get hurt and like i know a guy who's a podcast who considers it irresponsible to fly without painkillers i'm not talking about ibuprofen i'm talking about good shit and i'm like how do you stock a med kit these people that go sailing right and they've got like antibiotics and like

quality codeine based painkillers and things like that because they might need them on the open sea how do you stock a med kit like do doctors just be like yeah you know like that's your situation i'll help you i don't know i think i mean i think i get antibiotics if i wanted them you know i think if i just asked for them that's not a controlled substance it's just if you explain to him hey i'm going boating and i would like a prescription for antibiotics just in case something bad happens i feel like he'd just do it like why not why wouldn't he do it i don't know for anyone international waters mean anything to them does that help i i don't think so uh i don't think so but uh but i think he hooked up with antibiotics getting the painkillers though that's definitely i mean i've never wanted them or anything i've never tried to get them when

i don't want to someone who was there hooked me up with some quality painkillers when i broke my leg flying it's just a thing that these guys stock you know and like i took a picture of the prescription bottle so that i could tell my doctors what i was on and uh but yeah they're they're prepared in that way if i'm the guy if i'm the guy like hey did you take a picture of my bottle pictures of my bottle the doctor's like what do you want and i wasn't able to explain it one drug names don't have names that are memorable like to me and uh so i'm like i got a picture of it and he's like ah that's perfect you know and he knew it was up so do do do do yep we got one hey question oh i got his address and everything yeah when we're doing the youtube topics you guys what weird thing is youtube suggesting

that you've gotten into kyle did mress. I've been watching Ant Farms. What? What the fuck? Like time lapse Ant Farms. Watching those little motherfuckers build their little houses and tear things apart is so satisfying. I think it's Ants Canada. Yeah, Ants Canada. I was going to say.

It's this really jolly Canadian guy who walks you through all the different species and tubes. It's really cool. Yeah, he really walks you through all the different species and tubes. It's really cool. Yeah, he really loves ants. Did you guys ever have an ant farm as a kid? I did. Me too.

Did you guys get out too? No, I think they all died. I think I tried adding my own food. Not mine. I like to think their descendants are still in New Jersey somewhere. They just made it. I had an ant farm, but I'm from Georgia, so it was a fire ant farm. And I did it in an enormous pickle jar.

You know, like the really big ones you can get. This is like a ball jar, like a big glass. I don't know what an enormous pickle jar is. Yeah, like three gallons. A glass jar. Okay. Like that jar of pickled eggs you might see it like an old western bar like big fucking glass jar and it was full of fire ants and i would you know give them

sugar and like bugs and stuff is this a kit you bought no i bought a pickle jar i got a pickle jar went out back with a shovel usually they're clear in such a way that you can see what they're doing you just it's a pickle jar they're clear yeah but a way that you can see what they're doing It's a pickle jar they're clear But this is just like dirt outside Outside? No I put it on the kitchen table Obviously yeah where else would you put the fire ants Did it ever actually get like looking cool or anything?

No No they just all fucking died Because they were in a pickle jar I put it in the sun It hit 210 in there. And I didn't get an accurate ratio of the whole hierarchy of a fire ant nest. I just went,

got a big shovel full of ants and threw them in a jar. And it's probably a bunch of privates and lieutenants and they're just like, where's the president? It quickly fell apart. The whole society crumbled. When I was a kid, this made me think of bug pets i found like a praying mantis like maybe that tall yeah outside and i caught him and put him in a

little like shitty old little terrarium looking thing and i remember like at first it was like oh cool i'm gonna go catch a cricket outside and and then take it in and drop it in there, and you watch them kind of... First of all, they take fucking forever to make a decision on anything. I don't know how David Attenborough waits that long for all the planet Earths, for all the bugs to make their minds up. He would just stand there and look at the cricket for half an hour sometimes. But then eventually, he would just get it, eat it, and you'd watch him. You'd be like, man, that's cool.

After a couple weeks, because I was a child, I lost interest in it. I remember it was green when i caught it and i was i was playing on the nintendo or something and it was like over on next to me my dad came down he's like hey taylor the praying mantis isn't looking so good it was just like gray and i was like i was like and he's like you should probably go feed it and i was like so i was going outside to to get a bug and then i saw it was raining kept playing it and it died and that was when i was just let it go when i was in my head i was like i'll get'm going to get a bug after it's done raining. After it's done raining, I'm going to be right out there getting a bug for sure.

One more game of Mario Party. Come on, rain, finish up. I was maybe fourth grade. And to my brother's credit, she was volunteering at the school. We had a chameleon. I don't know if you guys have ever been with a chameleon in real life. But to me, this was the coolest thing that could possibly be a thing and he would really change colors like that works they do that shit and i

think in my head that's how i remember it and uh they needed someone to take the chameleon home for the weekend and that was they were going to do that let all the students take it home like you know me you this weekend that weekend but you had to have parental consent. My mom was right there. And I'm like, mom, can we? With all my hopes and dreams. And she said, yes. So we brought that chameleon home with us for the weekend and I couldn't have been happier. Like I'm just laying on my belly outside on the deck, watching the chameleon do nothing

for ages and ages. And I guess that wore out. So I left him on the deck because where else would a chameleon be happier than outside well it turns out it doesn't take that long for a chameleon in like a plastic cage to cook yeah he's cooked and like there's no water in this thing it looked like like i had shiska bobbed him and spun him over a fire. He was so... He couldn't have been

deader and more grotesque. This is so much worse than what Wings did to that cat. It's a chameleon. I think it's the exact same thing. It's the exact same thing. Just less fluid. How old were you?

Fourth grade, so that would have made me like nine-ish That's an excuse Good, good, because if you'd been like This was last year, I'm going to be honest It wasn't my classroom, it was Collins I thought the cameo was cool It could have even been second grade I just know the school, so it was one to four Did you guys ever have class pets?

This was a class Well well we had one briefly we had one but like you know how like in grade school we had a class pet but it wasn't like stayed in the same classroom and be like all right uh who's gonna take gary the hamster home uh and then he'll be right back with you uh in for fourth grade too, or whatever the fuck. And it was like a third grade and everybody's like me, me, me. And I was like, I don't want to,

I don't want it. I've got dogs. And so, uh, I don't want your shit. I don't want your shit. What was it again? It was like a gerbil or a hamster or one of those shitty little animals.

It doesn't do anything. And this girl, Anna was just like, please, please let me take it home. Please. Just like freaking the fuck out. And you know that a kid is freaking the fuck out when another third grader is like, cool your jets.

Settle down. It's all right. And they're like, all right, Anna, Jesus Christ. So she took it home. And for the summer, you know, I wasn't friends with her. Girls were icky at that age. And so get back. I didn't give a shit about the hamster but a couple other kids in the class really cared and we're like there on the first day like where's gary where's gary is gary here

and then anna came in no gary and they're like Anna where's Gary she's like Gary died over the summer and like she literally there were a couple people like bullying the shit out of her for a while because dumb bitch Anna can't keep Gary

alive for a summer really really no you want you want to play four square no we don't play Foursquare? No, we don't play with gerbil killers. We play with people who take care of animals. I'm glad you said that because that's what I wanted to ask Woody. What happened when you went back to school with that shish kebab

roasted chameleon? Okay. Did you get another one? We did not bring the evidence back to the school. I think that Dick is right. The school or teacher think that Dick is right. The school or teacher or something quickly replaced it. I explained that it died.

I don't know if I went into the detail on how grotesque and painful that death must have been. And there really were no social ramifications. There was no big fallout. Wow. Did they replace it with a lizard that didn't change color? Something a little bit cheaper? I think it was another chameleon. But we also...

If I have my history right, it's been a long time. I think we switched to growing lima bean plants too. And that was the new class interest. They had to. They had to. It was a budgetary issue after you roasted the chameleon. I don't know what we're going to do for biology, Karen. The Woodworth boy. He took it home and tortured it to death.

His mother told me all about it. I know, she's scared too. We all are. I love that community. Jake, what were you saying there about the class pet? I said I have a class pet right now. My girlfriend's a teacher. Today's her last day of school.

I could see this one coming about a mile away. teacher today's her last day of school i could see this one coming about a mile away because when she was getting all of the hermit crab shit that her class has like i've never i've only seen children that excited she's getting the cage special ordering sea salt and like a background she's like oh this will be like his little home like okay this is for the class, right? This is for the children. This isn't for you. All right. So sure enough, a couple of days ago, a text comes in. Hey, is it okay if I bring the crabs home for the summer? How many?

There's two in there. Oh. They're active at night. I don't sleep at night so well. So now in the other room, I've got what sounds like the aliens from Signs clacking. Like, they love climbing the side of the tank. Which means they cram their claws into the cracks and, like, scale it up for no reason. And they just sit at the top.

And then they fall in the morning. So all night, it's like... She's sleeping like a log. I don't know if these crabs are going to make it back to school. They probably won't. One night like they just they finally escaped. I don't know what. I used to sell hermit crabs on the Jersey Shore.

And as such, I became kind of an expert on them. And I got into them and I brought hermit crabs into my house, too. Everything he's saying is exactly true. The nocturnal, the clicking, the clacking, et cetera. But I will tell you this. No matter how much love and affection you pour into a hermit crab, they will still pinch you. They never become friends. They never learn to like you.

Don't kid yourself. Here's the best part. don't kid yourself here's the best part the reason she brought them home early is because she said they were they were terrified in class because the kids were so loud and i said what the fuck is wrong with you what are you saying go outside and try this again with some real with real human real adult thought what are you talking about and she goes well the kids would get all amped up they come in and scream and then i look at the, and they're in their little house, shivering. That doesn't work on me if a person was doing it. It definitely doesn't work

if a fucking crab is doing it. I promise you that they're not afraid of the children. They're just sleeping all day while the children are there in their homes. They're not shivering. They're like Anne Frank. The giant kids are stomping around

you idiot well she sounds good hearted though it is funny that you brought that up that your girlfriend was so insistent on bringing him home because I have something similar recently which my girlfriend was like I get lonely when you're not home

I get lonely I prefer it when you're here can I get a dog can I get a cat and I was like first i was i've always had a hard and fast rule of no cats no cats at all she she tried to sneak one in once where she had one on her parents farm or something and and they were gonna they were gonna sell the farm or something and she's like well the the cat needs a place to go the cat needs a place to go and i'm like well it's a cat it can eat things outside it can survive it's fine it's an outdoor cat now it can remain an outdoor cat she's like let's just it wouldn't have to stay permanently we wouldn't have to stay permanently with us but

if we could just watch it for for a little while and i was just like no no no cat will ever enter this home and i'm still i still say no on the dog thing for now because i don't want to deal with it i just bought a new house i don't want a bunch of shit all over my furniture. But, and so I got her all the way down. And so one day I get home and she had gone to Petco and bought like a light up habitat with like colored beads at the bottom. And then just a beta fish.

And I'm like, does this actually, you feel less lonely when I'm not here? Because this, so you're telling me that this fish, which doesn't even swim around the habitat that you bought for him, it just looks at you with dead fish eyes. That has the same presence that I do. It keeps you from being lonely.

And now it's just another thing. Eventually I'm going to forget to feed him. I've never remembered. The only time I remember is when she goes, hey, feed Frankie on text. Yeah, that's a trap because then when you forget to feed him, you've got to double down and get her something to make up for the loss of you and Frankie. You guys are such lightweights, right? Like Dick's girlfriend brought home a hermit crab. Taylor's girlfriend brought home a betta fish. And mine brought home a live human baby.

You can end up like Woody. You know what a good mid-round is, Taylor, for you, I think? What's that? Ferret. Oh, no. Ferrets are fucking cool, dude. Possum. No, not a possum. Possum is disgusting. They have human hands and they eat

thousands of ticks. You're thinking of a raccoon. No, I thought possums have human hands too. No, you're both lunatics. No, you don't want either one of those animals in your house. You don't want a raccoon hanging out. You want to know something? I'd love a raccoon hanging out. You know my friend, the one that dresses up like a clown?

Yes, the one that I've reported 18 times now. Every time I meet with the feds, they're like, is there anything you want to tell us about? He kept a possum for years well i know this one guy this one that possum he'd be driving with it wait the guy who dressed up as a scary clown with like tattoos in his knuckles possum owner possum yes no i'm sorry like a clown because he wants to scare people he's just to be clear just to be clear because because you mentioned that the possum is the thing with the naked tail and it walks on all fours and it has the long snout with the little beady eyes and it's got lots of sharp teeth scary teeth if they're showing them okay just making sure we're actually talking about

an opossum um i would like a raccoon. I've watched some YouTube videos of people who have pet raccoons. They usually name them Bandit. And they're really cute. And they'll go and turn the sink on and get themselves some water and climb around the little habitat. And they've got those little people hands. They're incredibly intelligent. But the ferret, the ferret shits.

And it's like, oh, look, there's a little little cocoa crispy like right right there little cocoa pebble there i can just scoop that right up it's you know it doesn't shed it when it dies it's just it fits right in a pringles can right you know you just you know how you kill stuff like that have you ever euthanized a rodent yeah you pad up like like um i knew a girl who has multiple ferrets like two and to like watch her on her like instagram or whatever playing with them it looks like a great time like they're very rambunctious and active and so they're just like running around like like they get like the zoomies like like puppies will and they're just like running around her and and like jumping through little hoops and stuff and they're just like go on their belly like rub on their back like rub my

belly rub my belly and she's just like yeah rub your belly and he's just like yeah and then he'll jump up and run a little bit more they're very cute when my daughter was younger she used to keep rats or as the pet store calls them fancy rats and uh they were incredibly expensive. The rat would be like $8. And then the rest of the tools you need to maintain a rat, the cage, this, it would threaten $1,500. You're shitting me.

What? No. This is what happens when people go shopping without me. We're rat people now, Charlie. Rats will live in your house for free. You have to pay to get rid of them. They live about two years, which is my favorite part of rat ownership. It's not a huge commitment. Some would go 18 months.

I was always the one that had to kill them. And the way you do it is you go to the grocery store. You buy one of those styrofoam disposable coolers and some dry ice and apparently it's a fairly pleasant death you know you let the dry ice cool the environment put the rat in five minutes later it's just a permanent co2 now i need to buy dry ice i hadn't considered the co2 angle i thought he just hypothermia to death so so let me picture this well like like yes the dry ice you don't put him directly on the dry no there's room for dry ice and a rat to exist at the bottom of this thing cool yeah yeah well it's you know it's it's if

he can move he's not you're killing him you're not putting a dead rat in there yeah he's freezing to death before the co2 poisoning yeah um you know you could also just stomp on it real hard you know that's probably not that inhumane it is to your fucking shoes makes a goddamn mess but we got that a lot of rats yeah yeah i've killed a lot of rats a lot of different other weird animal stories i've told the one before about when we babysat that other person's bird and it killed itself right my my sister had a pet rabbit that killed itself yeah how did it kill itself uh it hung itself that's how this one killed itself this bird got its little neck caught in those like those bars at the top making a hell of a

noise and then it stopped making noise and i remember sleeping in the other room like i'm like i'm like nine ten years old and i'm like thank god that shit ain't shut the fuck up then the next morning walk in there and this like expensive parakeet you know they've stressed how expensive the bird was it's like you first of all you're fucking tarred for buying an expensive bird and it killed itself and the kid was so sad birds are the opposite of fancy rats and that they live incredibly long probably most people know but like a parakeet goes like 25 years and the bigger ones like a parrot or a cockatoo they last 70 or 80 years like you need

to put it in your will and find someone else who wants a parrot yeah remember uh you ever seen we've we've all seen rocky will sylvester stallone remember how he had the turtles that like he he would he would go back to his apartment and he'd like he'd practice the jokes he was going to tell adrian on the turtles he's like yo you're the turtles and you live in a little little jar here and then maybe he still has those goddamn turtles they live with him those turtles are like 40 or something like that pretty good animal husbandry to keep little turtles alive that long. Yeah, I think he's the one. I think I used the term right.

I like to collect these little disgusting facts about celebrities so that we can look down on them in our own little ways. And I think that the weird thing about Stallone is, is he the one who likes to be under the table or on top of the table? Under. So he gets under a glass table, like a coffee table with a glass top, and then he has a woman's shit on the top of it.

You know he was in a porno, wasn't he? No, I'm missing him. No, this is a Sylvester Stallone fact. Wait, is this real? Yes, it's real. That's why Dick and I both... Hey, that's all you had to say. I believe you. Yeah, it's a a real thing no one would make this up look there's there's stuff that people like

people make things up about celebrities i don't think richard gear ever put a gerbil in his asshole that's probably just some nonsense because it's a real good looking guy and he might be gay but who cares i don't care if he's gay like john travolta's gay now i care a little bit that john travolta's gay because he like assaults those masseuses and grabs and grabs up on him and stuff dude those are social experiments social experiments pranked oh you thought you were getting molested really it was a prank you've been pranked but yeah i think that's the weird one about stallone is that he likes to get up under that glass table and have a woman squat on the top of it and poop right onto the glass

table while he looks up at the poop falling down. That is what really gets him Rambo 4 hard. That is beyond vile. There's got to be an instructable or something where you can build your own cheaper version of that table.

Some saran wrap, a little cardboard box that your head goes in like ikea furniture remake like here's the parts you gotta get some you had a lot of brand right speaking of celebrities i i i thought it was very interesting or maybe kind of interesting at least. Justin Bieber tweeted that he wanted to fight Tom Cruise in some sort of mixed martial arts fight. And all I thought when I read this was, I bet Bieber is real fucking high right now. And he's actually in control of his own Twitter. Because, like, what a bizarre thing to even say.

What a bizarre thing to say, to challenge a man who's 30 years older than you and a multi-millionaire. Tom Cruise has got to be worth $200 million at least. To a fight. Do they have any history at all? No! I don't know why he would. And Tom Cruise doesn't have any history.

Like Russell Crowe, sure, but Tom Cruise doesn't have any history of, like, Russell Crowe, sure, but Tom Cruise is, he's got the Nobel Peace Prize of Scientology or something. That's just like the real one. First, I was wondering what the genesis was. Does anyone know? I've read a couple articles on this. None of them explain what Justin Bieber's issue is. They don't know. Okay.

Second, who wins this fight? Because in one corner, you've got Bieber, who is young, who is a fighting age. It's the same thing. He's also pretty fit. I feel like sometimes he doesn't get enough credit for that, but he looks good. You know, it looks good. Bieber wins. Cruz, on the other hand, does all his own stunts, probably on steroids because he looks fit. Bieber wins.

Or testosterone. Bieber would for sure win. He's 30 years younger. He's on TRT. Right, but they probably have the same T level. Bieber wins. He might. Also, I think Bieber's like two inches taller.

They're both shorter than, they're both kind of shortish. Probably like 5'6 and 5'8. Okay. Yeah, somewhere in there. You know, they're not, they're not big guys.

Um, I think Beaver wins that fight, but, but it's, it's the fight that I'm least interested in of all time. Like, I can't tell you how little I want to see that fight. I used to love that show.

Remember what MTV did celebrity death match back in the day with the claymation. And it was incredibly over the top violent. Why don't they bring that shit back? Like with modern claymation technology i'm sure it could look even better um i would hope fakes oh no i like the claymation the claymation allowed you to go so fucking vile and and like hardcore with the violence with people being in trails everywhere and eyeballs being pulled out

and then you know all kinds of crazy stuff how the loser celebs felt about that like what i could beat rosie o'donnell what do they have me losing this thing i i would think that they would take it well salted you know you'd have to you'd have to be a real piece of shit to be like oh come on i could take jason i i but but but this this was bizarre to me this sounded like justin bieber is literally like like fuck like fucked up to like even put this on his social media like it's not like he's got a hundred thousand followers or 10 million followers i think he's got like over 100 million followers or something stupid like that like he was number one for a while it made news that he's challenging this other a-lister to combat. Does he want Tom Cruise to be his dad or something?

Is that like his way of asking? I think he just wants the notoriety and the, I mean, they make a ton of money, but he doesn't need either of those things. So it's bizarre to me still. I think I literally bet that he was watching Mission Impossible with his buddies and it came up and he was watching Mission Impossible with his buddies, and it came up, and he was like,

I could beat up that guy. Save the world my ass, Ethan Hunt. Fuck you, Ethan Hunt. I'd beat the shit out of you, old man. Don't you guys think so? Yeah, brah. You totally beat his ass. Definitely, dude.

Just don't make me get a job. You know what? First of all, go get me some sushi. And second of all, watch this shit. I want Tom Cruise to challenge him to a battle of the bands or something. Square off like millennial crazy chicks versus like all the old cougar milfs going to the same concert. Does Tom Cruise play an instrument? Hey, that's Justin Bieber. Okay,

counterpoint. Touche. Tom Cruise can dance. You saw him in Tropic Thunder. You know he could win a dance-off against that. Tropic Thunder he pulled out? Not even the Risky Business underwear dance? That was too erotic for me. I had to tap out. They could do slam poetry at each other. Have you ever seen that? Yes. It was my thing. They could do slam poetry at each other. Yeah. Have you ever seen that?

Yes. Yeah. I like rap battles. It's the most uncomfortable thing to watch in the world. We almost had that guy that did the... Remember, I forget his name. He was from Philadelphia, and his opponent was overweight. He just talked about how awful his opponent was, how bad it was. It was uncomfortable to be around him.

Yeah, he just cut deep. He just like... like oh my gosh like some of those some of those it reminded me of that that wwe thing with the rock i was i was telling you about the other day from saturday saturday night live like it's it's like one side is like you know your rhymes are whack your style is too i don't like you i don't want to be you. And they're like, ooh. And then he's just like, you're probably going to get diabetes. Nobody wants to fuck you.

You can't share a seat with a woman on the bus. Go fuck you. It's just like, oh, god damn it. He's like, you're uncomfortable to be around. It's like, ah. Oh, god. I bet your hygiene is poor because there's so much to wash. Well, see, but they're doing a diss battle back and forth.

So you should be as mean as possible, right? But this is like shit that's real. Like on the Saturday Night Live bit, it was like, you know how like WWE wrestlers do that contrived thing where it's like, I'm here with Big John and the Junkyard Dog. They're going to square off Saturday night at WrestleMania. Big Dog, you don't like John too much, do you? And Big John's like, no, no, I don't. When I get him in the ring, I'm going to tear him apart.

I hated him so much, I molested his daughter. Yeah, that's what happens. The one guy's the Junkyard Dog, and he's wearing a leotard singlet thing, and he's got a big club, like a bone club, like a caveman. And then the rock is the other guy. And it goes over the rock, and the first guy's like, yeah, I'm going to tear him apart. And it goes over the rock. He's like, we did a little bit of research about you, junkyard dog. Turns out you've got a serious case of research about you junkyard dog turns out you've

got a serious case of herpes that's right an incurable std your doctor said it was the worst case he'd ever seen the junkyard dogs was like how did you find out about that how do you even know that and it like escalates over and over until he finds out he's like remember that one night stand you had 19 years ago turns out you fathered a daughter her name's Emily and she lives in Rhode Island and guess what she wants nothing to do with you and he's

like this is getting really personal right now I just don't like this what's more you know that hot chick Rachel that's been hitting you up on Twitter? The one you've been spanking it to? And he's like, where is this going? Well, that was me.

And that picture was your daughter. And he's just like, oh, God. I mean, that would really get in your head. You really took it to a scary place and that's what that rapper did when he went after that guy he was just like that was some mean shit he was saying I think he literally told him

he was going to die early because he's obese there were like three five minute segments on this he had time to say every mean thing you could say about a heavy person. And they were all true. And they were all mean.

But they signed up for it. Like they signed up to be in a diss battle. That's true. That's true. It's not like he just found a person on the street or something like that. But usually they insult each other's rapping. And like hometown. Yeah, like your haircut's lame.

Yes. You did poorly in a previous diss battle. You know, like that's the kind of stuff they usually break out. Yeah, that's what brings the crowds out. Those mild PG insults. This is a body positive rap battle. Sex positive, body positive. Dude, I'm all about body positivity.

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It really helps the show if you let them know you heard about them here. Then download Dave and never pay another overdraft fee again. It's immediate savings. Go now to dave.com slash painkiller, spelled out like it sounds. D-A-V-E. Dave.com slash painkiller. Check them out. If you need those services, get them through our links. Yeah, I'm not a big fan. We couldn't get that in the bailout. There was no just regular guy sitting in that meeting just saying hey what's up hey can you just tell them not to do the overdraft shooting we're giving you two trillion dollars you think you could knock off

the overdraft fees just you know for the little guy for the millennials they're not getting shit in this bailout the boomers are getting everything you can't just give us cut us a little break on the fucking fees you idiot yeah yeah why does does my Starbucks have to cost $40? Five plus 35 and a fee. Yeah, they used to be so bad. I don't personally overdraft anymore, but when I was a young man, when I was maybe 19,

I had two bank accounts, and I would get really easily confused about which one had my money in it. And I just remember one day I went, I deposited money into an account and I asked that teller, I said, when will this money be available? And she's like,

Oh, it's available right now. And I was like, it's so I can go to the ATM. I can swipe my card at the gas station. It's like, yes. Okay.

And so that day was like a $700 and overdraft feed day because I, I, I went, I, I go back to work. I, there was a gas station like so close to my work that I could just walk through the car lot, go into the gas station, just, just walk right across the street. Same with a Starbucks. And so it was like Starbucks, just like you said, what do you like five bucks for coffee, 35 more of overdraft, like, like, and I would continually go back and forth. Like I'm walking the lot to look for customers who are sneaking in the back way. But on my way, I'll go to the gas station and get like a taquito and a water. And like all day taquitos and waters and packs of cigarettes and like whatever else I'm buying.

And every single time it's $35. It was $700 by the time it was over. I was, it was awful. That was a lot of money to me. A lot of money. It was a lot of, it's still a lot of money. It's an insane amount of somebody who bought for drafting. I deny myself things that cost $700 now. Yeah. 19 year old me needed that $700.

He was, my world was shattered. It was like, Yeah. 19-year-old me needed that $700. My world was shattered. It was like... Did you talk to your bank? I wonder if they would have worked with you. I was 19. I didn't even know that you could talk to a banker. I was just upset and embarrassed and just mad. And I didn't know what to do.

I don't remember what happened. I guess I just got fucked. happened. I guess I just got fucked. I'm pretty sure I just got fucked. Dave.com. Check them out. Don't ever deal with overdraft fees. A lot of people live paycheck to paycheck. A lot of people have multiple accounts that are hard to keep balanced. Maybe

you have an account that's just for Postmates or something like that. It's easy to overdraft one of those accounts and they will prevent that. Use them. Good stuff. Something related,

do you think that they make porn for retarded people? Like people with Down Syndrome? No, like people with Down Syndrome having sex. So that someone with Down syndrome can be like, oh yeah, this is the witch that I like. And then, do you think they make that?

Is that legal? I don't know. Do you know? No, I was curious. I was thinking about that on the drive home today. Do you remember two weeks ago when Arian Foster asked us what kind of porn we watch? I think Taylor just low-key let us know.

Maybe I'm trying to find it. Hey guys, hypothetically, you think they make down porn? I think that it's illegal because they don't have the ability to consent because they're handicapped. Let's get retarded in here. That'd be the soundtrack.

I'm gonna try to find out if there's retarded porn for you. I think it's probably... No, but what if two people with Down Syndrome consent? Well, yeah, they can get married, can't they? They can work at a movie theater. I don't get to consent my way out of that. Like, hey, do you

consent to have a retarded person serve you? Oh retarded person found it do you remember when we tried to find midget on midget sex and t-mark got all the uh praise and affection for finding it but secretly taylor fed it to him yep yeah and that's a that's a blast from the past because it was very hard dick to find porn porn of not a midget with another midget. Yeah. You hear midget porn and you think it's common. Oh, God, I found it.

Oh. I don't want to watch this. You made me watch this. Now you have to, all right? You have to see his weirdly contorted left hand touching himself. You have to see that vacant look in his eyes and that mangled tooth grin as he handles this woman. You have to watch.

You put it in all our minds, Taylor. This is a punishment. This is over on heavyr.com Is heavy r a reference to the n-bomb? What is heavy r? No, it's not. I don't know what it is but i'm just does

it mean retarded probably let's just forget about the name of the website and focus on the fact that there's well this is exactly what taylor syndrome porn in the url yeah it says down syndrome porn in the url um you know google's google's a great thing i watched about the first eight seconds of that oh wow no need to watch the video just look at dick's face well and they got him going down on the girl in the thumbnail like come on that is you cannot do that to this poor guy he doesn't know that he doesn't have to do that. He's masturbating, but he's got that hand that's all fucked up.

So he's like, he's like this. He's like this. And he's, he's got these. Could you, could you duplicate the look on his face for me, Dick?

Well, he's got a blackout tooth there, but he's very happy. But only one of them had Down Syndrome right he's doing a snake I tried to watch it something went wrong all I got was the audio oh yeah that happened to me

yeah same if you click the big play button in the center of the video I got the same issue you had I clicked the little play button bottom left corner seemingly that fixed the issue and I was able to watch some of this video. Now she's blowing him.

So there's your answer to it. Oh yeah, just like that. I thought that was coming from the video. I thought, oh god. I didn't know that. You know the way I like it. Turn on JJ. the woman doesn't have sound syndrome right no she doesn't yeah i i challenge kyle to find what taylor was able to

find down on down porn thought it was a hearing aid at first but now i see it's going in his nose what is this sadder than i thought it would be all right i found the retarded watch this kyle found it i just was i didn't think this would be a thing and he's got like a purple blanket with stars on it and a linux penguin in the background and a spongebob poster in his room this is i'm liking aspects of this room what does that say i think she just left without getting him off oh you oh no she's just going to the bathroom to vomit it's okay she's coming back if she wants that fiber she was promised she's coming back all right fiber you have to fuck this handicap guy okay what's wrong with him is he a wheelchair oh you wish oh he's quite

mobile is it that bad down like listen hypothetical woody the prostitute would prefer a guy with Down syndrome over a guy with bad hygiene. You know what would be funny is if she's like... Webinar strange. If she finishes and she's like, all right, payment. And he's like, all right, just as promised, here's a whole thing of Mike and Ike.

It's like... I said it was going to be $700. You can take the Mike and Ike or you can fuck off. It's like, damn, I swindled again. I like that your retarded accent sounds like Bill Clinton if he had a stroke.

I'm just doing the same fucking Nathan character from Southwark. He's going to chop off Barbie's hair and go, I said doll hairs. And then look at the invisible camera. $700. I said doll hairs.. 700 doll hairs. That's it, doll hairs.

Now get out of here before I tell people you molested me. It's like, oh, shit. That's a clever move. I question the downs. So I'm over there on heavyr.com. Are they a sponsor too? No. Not tonight.

That's next week. Mentally disabled guy gets... Oh, wow. Oh, God. He's got a helmet. This kid's got a helmet on. Oh, Jesus Christ. I gotta watch. If you guys aren't wearing a helmet, then you're all just doing it low-key.

Oh, wow. I'm sorry. This is fucked. When Taylor brought this up, I was a little disgusted. I shouldn't have brought this up. But now that I've delved into it, that part of me that just goes numb has activated. And now I'm at this place.

This is where I am. I found this link. Now, again, I would love for Dick to watch this and us just to look at Dick's face. All right. Let's see it. Mentally disabled guy gets a handjob from a nurse. Oh, that sounds nice and wholesome. That's who, if anybody deserves a handjob first.

Oh, God. Dude, get 13 seconds in. Give us some descriptors. He's got a guy in a wheelchair. He's got a curb feeler on his helmet he's got one of those bendy things like antennas on the front of his helmet so if he like runs full force into a wall like i think he presses buttons with it he might like oh that's so much worse he can't he can't look at his dick without shoving the thing down the tip of his cock either, so that's a problem.

He's got extremely thick glasses that look like with Kurt Rambis tape in the middle to hold them together. He's wearing a horizontally striped shirt, for God's sakes. He looks like a caricature of a retarded person. Wait, wait, I don't think he's retarded. I think he has cerebral palsy. This says mentally. But you know what? Heavy R's video description might not be as reliable as I thought.

This girl's going to town, though. Man, this girl's working hard. She wants it to get over with soon. Dude, in a way, it's very wholesome because he can't get himself off. And this is genuinely probably good for him. I felt twisted because I was the only one thinking that. This is a nurse doing an act of kindness. There's an organization that does this. I forget what it is.

Hands Across America. Jesus fucking Christ. I was a quarter of a second behind you. As soon as he said organization, again, Zach Galifianakis calculations. Helping hands, helping hands, hands across. Gotta be quick on the draw. What's going on now?

Have they finished up? No, she's got stages that she's going in. I wasn't paying attention. I think she's finished because of the tissue or napkins or something she's using To clean things up She's got a hot towel like if you're at a nice Barbecue restaurant wrapping that shit up

This girl's wow I'm gonna make my girlfriend Watch this it's like a how to You need gloves I'm gonna go get a helmet At Big Five This is like a good Like that's a good public service Getting that guy off making him feel a little better. He's got no control over his body or whatever.

So life already sucks dick. This is the best day of his week. Yeah. Probably the best day of his year. Well, I hope he does it every week. Yeah, that would, man, you jack off a paralyzed guy once, he'll ask to be jacked off again. It's like giving a mouse a cookie.

Once you open that door, you better be prepared to pony up to that nurse. He's out. I think it killed him at the end of this. This isn't porn. This is just a girl talking. Excuse me. Fully clothed.

The title alone, though. Ten reasons why girls should have sex with dogs what yeah oh i still can't share the video because of all the thumbnails and fun around yeah yeah don't do that this parlay is right into what you know that person dick was talking to on twitter earlier we're coming full circle you know yeah one minute they're calling themselves their dog's mom and then the next it's boyfriend. This is how this is what they do. This is the incels are right. So this girl was pretty Internet famous for about three weeks a few years ago.

I'm trying to think of her name. It was like our online screen name. This is the video that was just a a bit too far and thing basically what she would do um is she would just like make amateur porn stuff and upload to the internet but it was really nasty stuff like and really like like a lot of it was public like she would like masturbate in the walmart bathroom right like like sitting on the sink and then she just go up to guys and have them smell her fingers in walmart and like like bizarre right and i don't know about you but like if a girl asked me to smell her fingers at walmart that looked like that

i would decline well these men are all just like most of them just look bad from the thumbnail she looked good she's young she's thin and in the thumbnail blonde hair is covering her face now and is there a possibility kyle that this is like a put on no like she's not like she this is a troll you think no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no because this video right here ruined no no this video right here ruined her life um because later on she's like crying and she's like nobody will talk to me Now I'm just that girl who fucks dogs. People laugh at me when they see me in public. They snicker. At first she was just fucking guys and fucking her female friend and masturbating in public places.

And doing stuff with toys. Sort of gross. Like in Walmart dressing rooms and weird of like like in like in walmart dressing rooms and like weird shit like that or in the car and uh she's just kind of a nasty girl but then this video where she talked about the dog stuff um you know this is just judgmental assholes what is so different about the service she provides for dogs that that nurse provided for that young guy with cerebral palsy. I don't know, but I

believe there's some laws against the dog thing. Small dog laws. At least it's two humans involved in the previous one. I'm trying to see what her list of ten is, but it keeps getting rid of the video. You use the small button in the lower left.

You don't click in the middle of the video. Refresh the page and use the little it was like something was a small button in the lower left you don't click in the middle of the video like refresh the page and use the little play button like it was YouTube okay do you think she had to make some reasons up to hit 10 or Whitney Wisconsin or do you think she like had to whittle it down yeah I've got 34 reasons to fuck dogs shit or were there two that were left off that we'll never know i saw this video oh this video is on youtube we could oh really i saw a video of it was actually during pka here link it on youtube woman wow i still don't think we should probably watch it because it's just fucking weird but like if anybody wants to watch it um i i whitney wisconsin 10 reasons why yeah um it's on

it's it's on youtube um but yeah if you if you want to just google her name and like porn sites or on bing or something you can see like there's whole like there's two videos in particular that are like like compilations of all the ridiculous shit she did like she'd like pee in her mouth and um i'm trying to picture that. Yeah, she got in the bathtub, sort of did an inverted thing. So she was kind of up and over. Just a real nasty girl.

It wasn't even about it being hot. It was just like, let's see what gross thing she's going to do now. To me, anyway. And then this dog thing came out. It seems like number one is because the greeks and romans did it no evidence provided uh number two is that it can't get you pregnant and like number three is like dog tongues feel good oh please continue i want to know the rest of this

list it's really bad sound quality and i wish you didn't have a dog with her that poor fucking thing yeah having the dog there is a step. That's why I thought the video was like, I probably shouldn't watch it. It's just weird that the dog is present. We watched a woman have sex with a dog on PKA like ages ago, like five, six years ago. And what told me that she was a pro, because the dog's doggy style, he's holding her hips. And he's kind of like preventing her from getting away, which I guess is how how dogs normally have sex and she put socks on the dog so he wouldn't scratch her and we're just like this is an experienced dog fucker yeah i think we all you cannot get

from getting away isn't that is that normal with what i think we all have sex preventing them from getting away right that's the whole yeah the whole process. The point of the handcuffs. I saw a woman drink her own Diva Cup at a comedy show in L.A. a couple years ago. I think that's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. I almost threw up. That is awful. Vile. Just vile just vile that's all a female comedian make a uh a case for the fact that humming is grosser

than periods that's not true well that's so dumb it's putting me in a self-defense situation she said a couple of things one and some of it was about habit she's like women hide this right you know they they go in the bathroom they take care of this on their own in secret even the trash is like you know they'll put like paper towel or i'm sorry toilet paper around whatever it is there's just a a bundle of clean toilet paper in the trash whereas guys she's like you guys would finger paint with that shit if you could get away with it like it just all over there she's like i have never left my period in a sock under the bed for two weeks like women hide it so well that every bathroom in the world has to tell them not to flush their

shit down the toilet yeah they haven't picked it up at this point you think women would figure that out another thing about women now i'm i'm i'm a person on planet earth so i don't care about women's soccer but i saw a bunch of uh tweets one of those zero percent polling like pandering douches who's running for president don't even remember what her name was but she was like if i can if they can score 13 goals against thailand they should be paid at least as much as the men's team. And it's like, we need once every couple of years,

once women get it in their head that they're actually good at sports, we need to get, we need to get a middling group of 16 year olds, 16 year old boys, play them and just kind of put them back in their place a bit, you know, like soccer. I'm with you,

but I don't know why there are like there aren't any sports women why is it that like the best women's billiards player can't hang why is it that in chess women aren't the best ever like it i would think it's sport like chess that like half the best would be men and half the best would be women there's no arm wrestling involved like men are the best at everything billiards darts sports running fighting uh that is everything giving hand jobs uh i've never had better yeah that's true no one's better than you yeah so uh yeah i where do you come down on that, Dick? Do we need to kind of like remind these women that like, yeah, no, no, you're lucky. You're lucky that we even televised this.

Yeah, we got to wait for those 15 and under. Who are the boys that beat the women's team, the women's soccer team or something like that? 14 or 15 years old. Did that really happen? Oh, yeah. It absolutely happened. Beat them big time.

Were they? They were all arrested on sexual assault charges. So badly. We need a crew of boys who tour the world like that, beating up women. Like the Mike Tyson in Punch Out. That needs to be the final boss. If you can beat this team of random boys we select, we'll pay you equally to the men. And they never will.

We'll give them all Nobel Peace Pri or no ma'am peace prizes. It needs to be in here because those boys are done for the rest of their lives. They'll be hunted down for the rest of their lives for the heroic thing they've done for men. In preparation, they get killed. You just grab another random 16 year old. Yeah. What people don't realize is that it's not because men are physically superior and stronger and faster that they dominate at the physical sports you know like in not like in chess like you're saying but it's also the mental aspect like in track the reason men dominate is because of the mental aspect it's right left right they got to keep this in mind

women are they're running and every once in a while, mid-stride, they'll go right, right, ah, fuck, wait a minute. And a man will not do that. That explains why they went in chess. It's discipline. Can I have the floor for a second? Go ahead. In preparation for two upcoming friendlies against Russia, the United States women's national team played the FC Dallas U15 boys' Academy team and fell 5-2. I thought for sure that this was going to be like the American 16-year-old boys team, right?

Like a McDonald's All-Star team of soccer players. I don't know who the FC Dallas U15 Boys Academy is, but I don't think it's a selection of our best of the best. It's 13- and 14 year old boys who like soccer like parents drove them to the game if you look at these dudes though like even though they're i guess 15 years old oh let me link you 14 because that's you 15 okay they are clearly like physically superior to the girls at least this is the same guy four times and mentally don't forget that part.

Yeah, right, right. That's the crux of it, yeah. Yeah, I guess I just sort of forgot that somewhere around 13, the boy and girl thing splits off and the boys keep getting bigger and stronger. Yeah, wow.

They are definitely... That is a big 14-year-old, I'll give you year old but you look at that you're like no wonder the girls lost they're playing against like men men well boys yeah but yeah they have exhibition matches he what is he 510 you think in that picture yeah probably she's probably like 5-3 or something yeah but i mean i say i say in the name of equality let them do it next time for the for the world cup men sorry for sorry privilege bros you're out you're we're subbing in our women's team because they beat thailand 13 to nothing and thailand is definitely not one of those teams that they were like we we need, we need 30 teams for this to work.

We don't have any more countries with women who know how to play. And they're like Thailand, I guess. Oh, Thailand could be great if they had, uh, all of their trans people play. I knew you were going there.

Because they're known for that. And they would, then they've got, oh. Yeah. They could have a bunch of guys who would really struggle with the P test. Just dominate women's soccer no i swear i am woman we're all gonna feel so stupid when the trans male athletes start dominating

and it's clearly shown that it's clearly shown that that biological sex has no effect on an athlete once the hormones kick in. Totally undoes all of your bone development and all of your musculature and your shoulder width and hand size. When the first trans male heavyweight champion of the world reigns supreme in MGM, then we'll all know. We'll all be eating our words. Trans male means born female, right? Correct.

Okay, yeah. The second part is what they turned into. This ties into my... To men of Reddit, what do you think is the worst part, I stole this from Ask Reddit, of being a woman? What's the worst part about being a woman? Just being dumb.

I don't know. Knowing that a guy At any moment a guy with an acoustic guitar Can come along and make you do whatever he wants That would be very terrifying Acoustic guitar is like Pied Piper for women Yes just play Wonderwall

I sucked his cock for two years of my life I don't even know what happened I'm on the other side of the country now Fuck Probably ignorant men making jokes I'm on the other side of the country now. Fuck. Probably ignorant men making jokes about you on the internet. That would be the hardest part. Dude, but the four dozen women who watch this program are cool.

They're cool with it. They roll with it. Well, I guess we weeded all the uncool ones out over the years with this kind of topic. But I don't know what it would be. Mine was the thing about being a woman. In short. Let's say that everyone on this panel right now is of at least average toughness for guys. That means you could beat up 75% of the population.

All the women and half the guys if you're average. I wouldn't like to be an average woman and be on the flip side of that. Knowing that 75% of the people you run into, everyone in this line, everyone in this... I would feel very vulnerable. Women get in fights way less often.

It's more common when women get in fights that they drag their men into it and have the men do the fighting for them. That's a good segue, Taylor. We have a video here of some women doing combat. Doing combat. Yeah. Do you want to link it?

What do you mean you would you like me i'm scrolling up for it if you can find it oh wait is it um big fight at water park yeah this is the one you want to mute because someone's dropping a hot beat on it all right this is on youtube it's called Big Fight at Waterpark. And then there's a bunch of emojis. Big Fight at... I'm still not seeing it. I don't know.

Oh, let me re-link it for you. Yeah, I got you, too. Okay, thank you. Cool. Got it. Are we ready? Oh, the thumbnail looks wonderful already. Yeah so madagascar four we can't play the audio but you guys might wanna are are there um does everyone keep their clothes on in this

video yeah it's on youtube wait are we muting this because there's music yeah um i have to woody will but but you don't need to. Ready, set, play. Ooh, this is an athletic woman in the foreground against a much larger opponent. They're different weight classes. Oh! Oh boy, now we... Ooh, someone jumps in from behind, grabs her hair.

Now it's a two-on-one. Oh, and the smaller athletic woman is pulling her in. She wants more. Is that a man? And then that giant woman is pulling her in. She wants more. Is that a man? And then that giant woman is standing on someone. She's standing on her. And look, player three has entered the game. She's driving a motorized

scooter into people. She has an electric scooter. Did you see the woman do the belly pop? Yes. And then comes the scooter again. This is a fantastic fight there's one guy just like gently trying to pry them apart one white security guard ladies ladies look at this this is good stuff i am oh

back for more who do you think is the toughest woman in this um that first girl who's who's like butts facing the camera looked very athletic she looked like she could squat about 250 easy like she looked powerful she did that was the one i kept calling the athletic woman yeah yes i like that even though she gave up 100 hundred pounds when she got broken up with the big woman she wanted back like that says a thing to me that was like video game bosses it's like man that's gonna be the fattest person we see in this video for sure and then it pans over boom another barreling hulk like wow okay that's the real boss and then it turns to the even fatter woman in the mobility scooter in her tank

driving in. The average BMI in that video has got to be like 52. Wait a minute. I think the mojo in the scooter wheels around behind the camera and comes back for another drive-thru. Yeah, yeah, for sure.

Comes through. Half man, half machine. She does the loop. So fucking funny. Is that a recent video? Or did you just find that recently? It was recently on Reddit. That's how I saw it.

And then there were some people sharing it around. But yeah, pretty ridiculous. There's another angle where you just see three girls going at it and then quickly the wheelchair lady comes in and that that one's like a funnier punch line but when you see the full fight i think i think i think that's nice um i got a couple of new tv shows i've been watching if you guys are you know i'm sure a lot of people just finished chernobyl and now they're they're wishing they had something else to watch. Yeah, that show was awesome. So the best thing I'm watching right now is called – I want to get the title right this time because it's got a –

let me – let's see. I think it's The First Son or First Son of Texas. Let me get the full title. It's called First Son of Texas. This is the Pierce Brosnan show on AMC. The second season is coming out currently. There's seven episodes into the second season. I'm going to say the year is like 1915, maybe 1920, probably 1915. And Pierce Brosnan is his currently aged self. And he is this McCullough guy who has a big Texas ranch. And they're trying to get into the oil business.

And you split time in the first season showing his current life as an older gentleman with his two adult sons and their family doing ranch stuff, fighting Indians, and really trying to scheme to get all the oil around them under their thumb. And then they flash back to McCullough's childhood where he was kidnapped by Comanche Indians and lived among them for many years and became one of them. And it's quite good. It's a Western, basically. I like when they go back and forth. There's not one timeline I really prefer. I like seeing him as a young man with the Indians because the Indian chief adopts him and he proves himself as a Comanche warrior and does all this cool stuff.

And you can see where he grows up and becomes Pierce Brosnan as this rancher, but he's still got some Comanche in him and uh and so like i'm in season two and i'm this is i'm not going to spoil anything by by like really giving away the setting but someone has done something wrong to him and they just don't understand who they're fucking with it's kind of like that clint eastwood movie you don't understand who you're fucking with here. You fucked with some other people, but you didn't fuck with anybody who was a Comanche before. You never fucked with a guy who grew up scalping people at the age of 13 years old. All right. You're not going to bully this

guy in business. And that's what these guys are trying to do. What time period this was in? Like 1915 or something like that. Like, like very early 1900s. I think world war one is like going on maybe. Uh, and, uh, and so like they're, they're sitting around a table and this guy is like trying to bully Pierce

Brosnan in front of his sons. He's really shaming him by saying a lot of shit he shouldn't be saying. And he's got his goons with him or whatever. And Pierce Brosnan is just like, Oh, well, it's going to go like this. You're going to do this.

You're going to do that. You're going to do this and you're going to do that. You're going to do this. And you're going to do that. And the guy's like, no, we're not going to do any of that. We're going to do this. And you're going to like it. And you're going to do what I say. And Pierce Brosnan just goes, bang, bang, bang.

And like kills them all. And then his sons help too. They gun all these men down. And then Pierce stands up and he grabs the guy who's still alive by his hair. And one of Pierce's sons is like, Daddy, now Daddy. And he goes, yeah! And scalps the guy right there at the fucking table. He's just like, yeah!

He fucking scalps this man at a business meeting. And there's a judge there. And the judge is like, well, now you done done it. Y'all get the shovels it's pretty hardcore there's a lot of score it ah seven seven point two i think that may even be what it was on imdb some something like that it's pretty highly rated everywhere there's good acting and i like the the setting and the time period and everything like that. Good show. I've watched another one. Oh, can I take the middle? Yeah, go ahead. So I watched

I Am Mother on Netflix. Have you guys seen this? The robot is taking care of the kid in a post-apocalyptic scenario, right? Did you see the trailer or did you watch it? Trailer. Okay, yes, you're right. That is it. It looks like it's getting a bit of a Netflix push. Not quite Bird Box. So anyway, I watched it. And it's fun. I like it's getting a bit of a netflix push not quite bird box but like it so anyway i

watched it and it's fun the the i like it when they create a universe and in this universe it's kind of this post a lot apocalyptic thing that you've got this this wonderful girl who's being raised by a robot to be a perfect person and they're going to i guess do this and create a new human race and i won't go any further because then I'd get into spoiler territory. But I would give it a 6 out of 10 and worth a watch. I enjoyed it. This is taking me back to fifth grade. I'm not going to give away the endings, but I highly recommend name of the book.

Like, oh, yeah, you probably just didn't read the book. I only watched half the movie. I got that line in my book report, too. I remember a friend of mine got called out hard for making up a – because everybody did the just watch the movie thing. We were maybe in fifth grade, and they had a list of approved books, and he's like, what I'm going to do, I'm going to go to the library, find the shortest book on here that also has a movie and just watch that and i was like man joe that's pretty

fucking smart why do you need a short book and so he found uh he found the indian in the cupboard and he got a little indian and and i don't remember what the book was about or what the movie was about but the teacher apparently liked that movie and liked that book. There's a lot of homosexual Indian that wouldn't come out of the cupboard. That's exactly what it is. It's not only that I'm so small, it's also that I am very, very gay. Your accent is great. My parents would be very upset if they found out how very small and gay I am.

very small and gay i am but so uh he he watched the movie and uh he was in the middle of describing like something that happened he's like and also in the book when the mailman came and accidentally almost stole the indian out of the cupboard uh i thought that was uh that was a scary part of the whatever the hell is fifth grade book reports and the teacher's like that only happens in the movie no no it happens in the book no I'm actually I really enjoy

that book and the movies did you read the book Joe yeah yeah I read the book and then it just gave like a cheap little meek fucking thing but he was the kind of student that he could have just not done it and the teachers would have been like fine you pass you fucking pass get the hell out of my class he was the biggest nuisance the biggest rabble rouser but were you guys ever rabble rousers in your classes of course sometimes yeah you know it'd be a better a better project would be better book you didn't read

that would be more helpful to kids than read a book do a book report like hey kids you're gonna need to lie a lot in your life and act like you did so you're all doing you're all doing book reports on war and peace now you got you got a half hour to put them together and then you were going in reverse alphabetical order. Let's go. I love that exercise. Two sides of the same coin. When I think of – now let's spell out war.

Start with W. They should talk about their technique for lying about a book report. Like, well, my strategy was to read the book cover, give a report on that, and then say I don't want to spoil the ending. You know, the original title was War. What is it? Good? Well, I talked to my

brother who had this class three years ago, and he pretty much gave me the summary. I kind of don't trust him because he's a dick, but I don't have a choice. I would be fun to compare different techniques. That is such a funny idea. I love that. They asked Trump if Russia or China had offered him information about his opponent if he would take it.

And I can almost see the mental calculus going on in his head. Like, man, I always double down. That works for me. So do that. Maybe if I say yes, I'll get negative information from Russia and China. And that's always helpful. And if I say no, maybe that kind of admits that I shouldn't have done it in 2016. So he said yes.

And impeach Twitter's trending. I'm sorry. Impeach Trump is trending on Twitter. Is that a big deal? I think trending on Twitter is like a YouTube video with 500,000 views, right? Yeah. It's not,

I mean, it's not a big deal to be trending on Twitter. It could mean different things. I, you know, I have mixed feelings about him saying that because to me it's like, it's almost like if you, if you ask someone like,

Hey, a gang member comes up to you and reports a crime. Do you want that information? Yeah! Yeah, I'll just tell the police, right? No, but it's coming from a gang member who wants to influence the other gang so that they can get a leg up. Yeah, but don't police usually ask for that sort of thing? I've seen billboards where the cops are like, report your competition. know like turn your competition in call this number that's really

funny yeah and you know i kind of don't see that way i don't know he just went i don't get it at all like if like even if trump's getting information the information information always good always like no matter what the source is, always good. Of course you're going to take it. But at the end of the day, both sides are supposed to be trying to help America. So how would, like, it takes a big leap to me to say, okay, the source of the information means that somehow you are in cahoots against America. Like, that's the weird step. I don't care which side gets the information. They're both going to use it

so they have the power to help America. The argument is though that you're allowing an outside country to influence our democracy. With information. I guess you'd want to verify it at the very least.

You know, you can't have whatever, Nicaragua, feeding you fake shit. Yeah, like that guy in the UK. You want to verify it. Yeah, she didn't use that. But you want to verify it because if you start putting out fake shit, then that's a problem.

Another TV show that I've been watching um and this is kind of an interesting one is designated survivor now i've mixed feelings about this because here's the genesis i couldn't get into that one i know i know stick with me here hear me out so season one pretty good that's where basically the premise keith keifer sutherland is whenever they have like uh the big um the state of the union address where the president talks to all of Congress, the joint chiefs, fucking the Supreme court, everybody's in one building.

So they have to pick a couple of people to be like, Hey, you're the designated survivor. If like the earth opens up and all of Congress and everybody gets sucked down into a portal, we need somebody here to who's like in charge at that point. Cause the whole hierarchy can't be in one building. Kiefer Sutherland is that guy.

There is a bombing. Everybody fucking dies pretty much. And so the first season is him rebuilding the entire federal government, appointing chief justices, a new vice president, a new fucking urban housing and urban development guy. And tracking down the bomber. And tracking down the bomber.

So it's, it's pretty decent. Then the second season, it's like, all right, well you rebuilt the government last year now what separates this from like the west wing except the fact that your writing's not nearly as good and there's the answer is nothing and so i think the show got canceled i think it was on like cbs or abc or something like that netflix bought it and they said we can make this this better. We can fix this. First of all, your whole crisis of the week thing is bullshit. We can't have like every week there's a new fire that needs to be getting put out.

It's lame. Serialized TV doesn't work that way. We want a big overarching plot that lasts the whole season. And it's kind of ridiculous when like terrorists kill your family if you can't say shit. So we're going to, we're going to up the language a little bit. So they're saying, so now that's on Netflix, I think it's shot in 4k camera works better, um, much better, like noticeably better. Like, um, the dialogue is so much better through the whole entire second, second season, every episode I'm like yelling at the TV and pointing. I'm like, hey, that's

bullshit. That's not even how it works. It's not even how it works. That's not even a real thing. Like just, it was awful. And then third season, pretty fucking good. You know, the language is adult. There's people fucking dying finally. And they have an overarching bad guy who's like a white supremacist type guy who's got this virus he's genetically engineered to only go after people darker than him. He's genetically engineered

to do that? Yeah, it only attacks people who have melanin levels higher than... I'm very confused. It? What's attacking you? The virus. Is this a bit? I'm sorry, I got lost.

No, it's not a bit. It's a fucking good show. Okay, so it only goes for black people? There's a melanin level. Melanin levels, yeah, yeah. Anybody who's a little too tan, like the Asian lady, she's worried about. You're looking a little swarthy, if I'm honest, Taylor.

Uh-huh, uh-huh. I don't know why this won't swarthy, if I'm honest, Taylor. Uh-huh. I just want on this call. I don't know if you got to me. Are you kidding? He's a hockey fan. No virus is going to take him. Yeah, fair counterpoint. That's the only way to sport you could watch. Kyle, question. Can you skip season two,

or will you be lost? Not only can you, I highly recommend you skip season two. Pretend like it doesn't even happen. Okay. Just maybe watch one of those too long, didn't watch YouTube videos. And what's the name of the show again? Designated Survivor. Look, it's not a great show.

In the third period, or not third period. That's the whole thing about hockey. In the third season, they fucking have a disease that only attacks black people based on melanin. You're leaving out Asiansians maybe indians anyone anyone with dark skin color latinos it only targets them and i'm not going to tell you what it does to them because that's that's kind of a please like them because that's hilarious that would be good but it doesn't um and uh that's all it does just make some white and so then everybody in africa is just like now i believe that everyone here has gold in their skull

because they're all albino um apparently it's based on some real research that a south african apartheid era uh scientist was working on um but in any case very interesting stuff and look it's not a great show it's just an okay show it's like the the first son of texas i highly recommend that i'm digging that i like the western vibe i like pierce brosnan sporting cast is cool storylines are neat it's very violent um i like it but um this other show the designated survivor it's like it's some popcorn tv uh you can spoil what the disease does to them it sterilizes them wow and so it's basically just like a global genocide virus somehow this disease got more racist than it was before that's what it's for the whole idea is that the republicans want to

save their voter block. Is there a GoFundMe for this? Jesus Christ. I really wanted to see this show when it came out. And that's like the B storyline. The A storyline is that Kiefer Sutherland is up for election because he was never elected. They call him this illegitimate president. He's getting tons of shit from... And he's an independent.

That's pretty key to this whole thing. Did he run in the first season somehow? Did he have to legitimize himself? No, he was just sitting in that room and then there was the big explosion and they're like, you're the president. You're the survivor. You're the president. He survived the illegitimacy question in season one somehow too.

I wish I could recall the details. He was also going to be fired that became public and he had to sort of win over there was a woman from the other party who he thought would partner with him because these are rough times but she didn't partner she just did politics as usual yeah everybody's politics but usual except for him and like there's a part where like 16 months to the election and the republicans like, maybe you want to join our ticket. You could be a Republican. You know, you pick the right side.

And the Democrats are like, pick our side. You know, they both want the incumbent president to be, you know, on their team. And he's just like, no, I'm an independent. And so there's a three-way run for presidency that occurs in the show, which is pretty neat. See how the electoral math goes down. he gets hard to get 270 three ways well you don't need 270 with with three p oh i didn't know that three of them okay you're just going for um the majority or whatever um or like the highest number of votes like the math changes okay uh and it pretty neat i thought and then he gets like this really ruthless campaign manager

who's an interesting character one thing i did notice is like they really upped the um what am i looking for here the diversity of the of the cast i felt like you got the one white guy who's keifer sutherland who's the president and then wow they really branch out to anybody and everybody else everybody else is a latino-american and like i was like oh this this guy's this this black guy who's the like the tech guy for the campaign he's cool and then and then you see him kiss his boyfriend you're like oh okay so he's a gay black guy who's working on the campaign and then he he sleeps with the uh a gay secret service agent and they like they're they're doing well you know you think this is going to be a good

couple these two guys they're both involved with the campaign and then on like their second date after they've already like hooked up he's like i have aids and the guy's like you didn't tell me that shit you and they had this huge like debacle where like like should he have told him and i'm like oh yeah i should have told him but but I'm like, oh yeah, I should have told him. But then the Secret Service agent comes full circle where he's like, yeah, I guess you didn't have to tell me. I understand. I mean, I kind of wish I had known. I didn't run immediately.

Who would respond that way? I'm terrified now. But you didn't have to. And they end up staying together. The president's brother-in-law has become a woman. So she's transgender so that's kind of interesting they really did ratchet up i did want to see this show oh no like everyone checks two or three boxes though like end up coming around and saying i'm okay that you

aids fucked me without telling me and he's guilty in the italian restaurant now like wherever they're sitting that's's what I'm imagining them. Some romantic dinner. You lost me a little bit. That's like the godfather. He hides the AIDS in the toilet. I have to tell you something about my T-cell count. It's not ideal.

Is that what it T-cell? I don't know. I know that's a buzzword and I said it. Yeah, I didn't know there was any that's a buzzword and I said it. Yeah, I didn't know there was any controversy about whether or not you have to expose that you have AIDS. Exposed? I don't know. Informed? What has happened here?

I can't hear you guys. I guess it's possible that maybe you can hear me. We do hear you. I'll type that. I can't hear anything and my screen's frozen. Oh, you can hear me. Yeah. Oh, that's interesting yeah and you can yeah yeah and we can see you by the way a new camera man pre-show pre-show we were all praising fuck around on my phone for a while for sure we were all praising how awesome discord is

well this is going to be a weird way to do the show because i can't hear or see anything um this is now a podcast guys watching a one guy podcast what do you mean by come on i'm gonna end the call and then come back yeah i think there's definitely an aids uh telling controversy because i didn't california make it didn't they decriminalize it? I know if somebody did it, it was probably California, but I thought they decriminalized not telling somebody. Yeah, they did. I think they made it not a felony anymore. Yeah, something like that. That was bizarre.

So you're back? Everything works? Yeah, I'm back now. Yeah, I'm back now. All right. Where did I end off at? I was talking about the diversity of the cast. We were discussing the morality of not telling your boyfriend you have aids yeah i feel like you

gotta tell him uh that's important to know or her anybody you know whether you're you're you're in a straight or gay relationship whatever does that extend to herpes yeah uh i don't think it should because like it's not transmittable in my opinion if there's not an outbreak. It's not transmittable in my opinion. I explained this to my doctor last week. I googled it and told him what was what. Yeah, I wouldn't really worry

about that. If a girl had herpes and she didn't tell me, I wouldn't care. I would lose my fucking mind. I would be furious. No big deal. Oh, it would be. It would be a huge deal. I'd end up on the fucking news.

Uh-huh. Nah, I wouldn't give a shit. I wouldn't give a shit about herpes. That's a lame-ass STD. That's one that a pill just takes care of. And a cheap pill at that. I don't think that's true. I think that's almost all the other ones. I mean, it doesn't cure it, but it prevents it from

ever being an issue. But it is transmutable when it's not even shown. If you say so, but I've never heard of that happening. You said transmutable. I don't think I even know that word. Transmissible? Is that what transmutable? Transmittable, I would have said, but I'm not even sure. Transmissible?

Yeah. That's real George Bushism. Transmissible. The weapons of mass destruction were transmissible. Transmissible. Of disease or trait able to be passed on from one person or organism to another. There you go. Oh, so transmissible is the word.

Yes. Okay. Any transmissible. Oh, so transmissible is the word. Yes. Okay. Any transmissible. Is transmittable right? That was the one I would have gone with. What about if you have a lot of credit card debt? Do you have to tell? Yeah, yeah, that's important. It's not your car. If it's your dad's car. Anything over, anything over, I think if your credit card debt is more than 20% of your yearly income, you should probably be talking about that. That means more to you than herpes.

Oh, 100% it does. 100% it does. Absolutely. That's fucking insane. That's because you don't know much about herpes. How can you keep it that way? Good luck. You shared a joke with me many times. How are all the cases happening if it's not transmissible

like if it's not easily transmissible or hideable how are all those new cases popping up because when you get an outbreak it's totally transmittable because you've got open sores on your your your genitalia who's fucking with open sores or you think people are kind of hiding it and not telling people so so one thing that happened to me was that i get cold sores which is like like part a type of herpes and i went down on a girl not when i had like the outbreak like it wasn't like that big ugly sore it's 80 percent gone it was 95 percent gone i'm telling you like like it had already healed and like the scab was gone and the pinkness had almost completely gone away. It was just like, you'd have to, I'd have to get close in the mirror and be like, oh yeah, there used to be

a thing here. Like there was no itching. There was no, it was regular skin, but I gave it to her and it was on her vagina and she had such an awful time with it. It was rough. I didn't look at it, but she described it to me in great detail, and it was enough to make me bring her frozen peas to sit on for a week. Ugh. Well, I guess she didn't have your good pill. She did not.

She did not have the pill. She wasn't able to... But didn't you loan her one? At the time, i didn't have a prescription right now i do like last time i went to see my doctor i was like like i was getting you know everything i need and i was you know i need some of this i need some of that need some of this i want to have these things on hand and i was like oh and i i need my my prescription for um is it um it's different than valtrex. There's one that's better now.

He got me that one. I asked for Valtrex. But he hooked me up with a better one. And so now I've just got a bottle of that shit. And if I feel even the slightest tingle or itch, I take a gram of this stuff, a thousand milligrams

and like no issue. It never becomes more than a tingle in my lip. of this stuff a thousand milligrams and like no no issue there's there's it it never it comes more than a tingle in my lip like is that pimple drug taylor took it just oh accutane accutane for taylor yeah it's it's that did not get rid of that will not get rid of herpes it will just get rid of pimples and give you a lot of nosebleeds. Yeah, but the AIDS thing, I would definitely need to know that because that has a lot of implications. Like, not the least of which is that

you have an expensive drug that you are going to have to be purchasing for the rest of your life. You know, like, I'm pretty sure that if she is being treated for it or he, whether it's a gay or straight relationship and they're undetectable, which was the situation in the TV show where they can't even detect the, the,

the eight and I forgive my ignorance, but I don't quite understand the difference between HIV and AIDS. I know one is much worse than the other. I think HIV is the one you get and it can turn into AIDS. Yeah. Yeah. Which is much worse. But I believe he's undetectable, which made it very unlikely for him to transmit it to the other guy. He was also the bottom in the relationship, which is another factor

that made it more difficult to transmit it. Also, they used a condom, another factor on top of that. And then the Secret Service agent was getting a prescription for what's called PrEP, P-R-E-P, which makes the likelihood of you receiving the virus from someone much, much less. Like a bulletproof vest. It's like birth control for AIDS. Just rolling the dice. It's like birth control for AIDS. Well, they really laid down all the details on how to deal with AIDS in this designated survivor television show.

And this show is about becoming president. My own personal expertise. So once Netflix took it over, it turned into like a how to avoid AIDS. That was a big part of it. But it really became more diverse. The president's brother-in-law has become a woman. So now it's his sister-in-law. Was it through transgender

or recasting oh transgender and that is a focus if they were going to do like the transition surgery and they have the male actor go in there and then just a woman oh that would be a hoot did the male actor get picked up and now he got the first script? He's like, oh, okay, I have to act like a... This would be fun for the right person. Like, oh my God, you'll never believe this. I get to play a trans woman. No. They just hire a woman

and they didn't hire any woman. They hired a model. They actually did what I was joking about? Well, look, I don't think you ever got to see the president's brother-in-law like that the brother-in-law was never a character when you said he became that i thought he was in seasons one and two i was i was trying to really lay out the the the transgender process so there's no confusion that was it a woman who turned into a man or a man turned into a woman or was it always the brother-in-law and has it now the brother-in-law

the issue was he did have a brother-in-law now he has a sister-in-law and the sister-in-law is played by a a beautiful woman um and i'm looking at her like those are lady those are lady hands that's a real pretty lady like they do their best to try to make her look a like like maybe something used to be a very feminine looking woman very hot she's she's literally a model um beautiful woman she's been in a lot of other Very hot. She's literally a model. Beautiful woman. She's been in a lot of other shows. And there's an episode where the president's daughter gets her first period. And the transgender sister-in-law is like, want me to talk to her?

And he kind of looks at her like, yeah. Yeah, that'd be great. That'd be great. And she's just like, I mean mean i never went through it or anything but maybe somebody who just kind of looks like me you know would be better coming from me and uh and there's a part later on where like he's having to speak publicly and address his transgender sister-in-law like because she's being attacked publicly. And he's like, I've accepted her intellectually, but still emotionally. There's, you know, I'm having a hard time with some things. I'll admit that I'm a work in progress, you know?

And I was like, yeah, that was a weird moment where she asked if she should talk to his daughter about her first period. Dude, this show sounds weirder and weirder the more you say about it. Like at any point are they like, Mr. President, there's something going on in afghanistan oh yeah like no i gotta talk to my trans sister and then my daughter's bleeding all over the place all kinds of big stuff happens like like like there's like um there's a dirty bomb that goes off and they're gonna track down the country that like funded this shit and go after them and they're sorry it's a new chemical that can detect if you're gay. It's similar to the one that detects skin tone.

It's only killing straight people. You talked about his daughter's first period. Do you guys remember Dan from PKA? We had him on. He told that great story about his wife and the trouble they had. Prior to that story... The guy who, just to be clear, that's the guy who left his wife because she talked to a man on Facebook, right?

There's more than that. She was like sending naked pictures and, and I don't think she met up with the guy, but she, uh, the, the two aggravating factors were like, she talked about meeting up with the guy.

And when he said, I want you to stop, she chose those guys over him. Oh, okay. Okay. Thank you for those. Those are definitely,

uh, aggravating factors um because in my head in my head that was the other thing and uh and that i always thought no he would like walk into the bedroom she's like typing and chatting these guys are sending pictures and then she'd close the laptop and hide it and the tv's not on or anything like acting like nothing happened so anyway uh his he has four daughters, and he put on his Facebook status that his oldest just got her first period. And to hear him lay out

the fallout of the five women he lived with, that's a bad Facebook status, it turns out. He learned that. I don't know who that is. It was just hell on earth for him to have all these women going at him. It was pretty funny. That's a proud time.

That's a proud time in a dad's life. Ah, my little girl. Ready to get knocked up. Yeah, she's becoming a woman. When your son starts shaving, you don't get all grossed out. I walked into my son's room this morning to wake him up,

and he had a boner under the covers. My son is a man now. I even touched it and compared while he slept. He's a big boy. He's going to keep growing. He's going to be bigger than this old man. It'd be like that equivalent. Actually, that would be a little more yeah hashtag memories i think i think actually that would come up in your facebook memory feed yeah

i think a nocturnal admission would be more analogous like like like if your son had had a wet dream and it's still not a good facebook status update To put out there You're like holding the sheet up It's like my boy's become a man Look at that jizz stain What culture is it where they like Take the bloody sheets and show them to everyone Is that India I don't think that exists I think they do that

Or is that a fantasy story I read I think that's A fantasy of yours You mean like think that's a fantasy of yours. You mean like she's a virgin on the wedding night? Like that's a look I popped the cherry? That sounds like something they would do in like 500 years ago times.

That's India. Is it India? Yeah, I guess there's a blast in the past. Aren't they about 500 years ago? He's making a joke about their medieval ways. Sewer. People. Water.

There's a slight chance I'm mixing it up with some rich story I read. But I thought it was a real thing. I'm googling it real quick. Well, I hope it's not. Don't Hasidic Jews have sex through a hole in a sheet? I think that's a myth. I think we looked into that,

but I'm taking my information from an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm where Larry David is going to hook up with a Hasidic Jew, and so he's asking his buddy about advice about this because he's never been with one before, and he's like, you know, they have sex through a hole in the sheet. He's like, really?

And they're going to hook up in a hotel, so you can't just cut a hole in the hotel sheets. So Larry brings his own sheet with a hole cut in it in the sheet. He's like, really? And they're going to hook up in a hotel, so you can't just cut a hole in the hotel's sheets. So Larry brings his own sheet with a hole cut in it to the hotel. And she's like, you believe that shit? He's like, what? You don't? No! Fuck no, we don't!

You thought you were going to fuck me through that hole in a sheet? I guess now that I'm thinking about it more, yeah that that's obviously not true and google just confirmed oh not true yeah good it's so depressing that sounds like something the mormons would be into because they wear that uh that that like that fancy that magical underwear or whatever seems like they would want to be like well mormons have an insane amount of sex they're like so about like whether they like it or not like you'll like see like when i lived out in idaho like there were so many

mormons there that it'd be like you'd see someone who was like 23 years old married to his 21 year old wife and they'd have three babies yeah well your girlfriend's uh lds right no her family's not lds your ex-girlfriend's family oh yes yeah they were yeah that's right my bad yeah the only uh no beer at those gatherings was annoying no no strong drink for us, young man. We get our pep from the Lord. And if you guys need to know, hot tip, don't waste your money on beer at the Salt Lake City Airport because their Bud Light is 3.2%, but the price is the same. And they don't tell you that when you're ordering. You just get a watered-down, weird-tasting beer.

The ceremony where bloody sheets are treated like a prize apparently medieval might also be myth i was crazy well i'm glad that it's not true there's some things where it's just like i hope that doesn't actually exist out there in the world and then this is one of them this is one of them i don't i don't need that to be a thing in any culture there's enough fucked up things that are already out there that are actually true like genital mutilation and that thing where the, that those, um, those,

those Jewish people during the, the, the bris or whatever, like suck the penis to make the bleeding stop or whatever. And yeah, that's, and the whole Catholic church. And yeah,

there's enough fucked up stuff out there. You don't have to make it up. You know, it's weird about the Catholic church to me that like, like like as a as a pro or as a protestant like we'd hear about saints but but like not really under personally i didn't really understand what what was going on there so so correct me if i'm wrong here taylor as a theologian they believe that these saints or were were men or women born into this world who were holy in some way, blessed by God in some way, into either performing a miracle or doing a

miraculous thing, and now they reside in heaven, some sort of a tier below god and the angels but above regular men right i think so i think it'd be like being a heaven celebrity where people would be like you'd be going around the mall in heaven and you'd see like oh my god that's saint peter holy shit well my confusion he shops here just like normal people my confusion is that people will pray to specific saints. They'll wear those. I think it came from way back when they founded Catholicism. They combined the roots of Catholicism with the pagan gods and created this idea of sainthood to pray for. Because Mexicans, my grandma, my Mexican grandma has a saint saint for every single thing that you can imagine. Missing car keys?

Got a saint for that. Virus-infected computer? Got a saint for that. Herpes? Two saints for that. They took the need to worship little mini-gods in charge of things and just warped it into a religion that they thought was hip and cool. Yeah. Saint Fierce. of things and just warped it into a religion that they thought was hip and cool yeah i i i i that's saint fierce uh saint fieker the patron saint of people with stds yeah saints polycarp the

that looks boring and if you do three i think it's three miracles they gotta approve them one of the most uh interesting articles of i don't know why i remember it forever i read a long time ago it was a it was an article about the guys in the Catholic church who are in charge of canonizing saints and they'll go around the world inspecting these miracles. Like a statue has diarrhea or whatever. The woman in India comes back from the dead. Um, you know know girl on tinder looks like her picture miracles they'll show up and one guy they the article presented these two very different guys one guy was like always pushing for the miracle to be real so pretty much so he could generate interest in the church and the other guy was super uh hardcore no it's a miracle.

He went around busting them for the church because his personal philosophy was that there should only be one miracle a millennia. It was really fascinating to see the internal power dynamics of marketing versus... Yeah. Yeah. That'd be...

Man, imagine an easier job... the disproving miracles that go around the world and they're like sir this is toast it is just this so much like the lord and they're like no bitch ah no all right well i'm gonna need i'm gonna need five hours and some you know stuffed crust pizza to inspect this and then you just do whatever you want. Yeah, that's not a miracle. Sorry, bitch. But I'm going to need to take this cool toast. How many Jesus toasts do you think they've got in a vault in there? They're like, yeah, we're definitely taking this back with us

to the Vatican. My grandma, when she was trying to sell her house when I was a kid, when I was like eight, there was a patron saint of real estate, and she buried it in the backyard. Mine too. Oh. Just for fun, years and years ago on ebay someone was selling toast that looked like the virgin mary like it was burnt into that and i'm like i'm gonna google ebay right now and see if maybe like there's

anyone selling shit like this there are are so many Virgin Mary toast creation devices that, like, it cracks me up. I mean, I can... If you want toast with the Virgin Mary, they've got, like, the little press, examples of the product. It goes on and on. This one says Holy Toast on the packaging

instead of Holy Ghost. Oh, wow. That's funny. Remember it's always sunny where the they had that stain on the wall and the homeless guy pisses on it they're charging people to come look at the stain they're trying to and they're trying to get d to manipulate cricket into blessing the stain that was the beginning of cricket's downfall yeah poor cricket poor i got something funny you guys might like you're talking about retarded people having sex uh recently a guy called in to my show uh because he wanted to get hooked up with a girl he'd been chatting with online um i'll give you the i'm gonna i'm gonna give you the picture of it first it turned out to

be a gender swapped version of his own picture i know this story you know this story i think so let me let me try to find it oh yeah let me do the goat ad tell everybody about them real quick when you pull that up uh if you're buying sneakers online, there's a good chance that the shoe you're looking at is fake. How can you be sure that it's real? Well, Gov.com is the safest way to buy and sell authentic sneakers online. They're the largest marketplace in the world

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How sneaker heads get it done. They're still on. That's a little long. PKA. Tell sneaker heads get it done. Don't. They're still on. I think they were on last time I was here. Meh. Because you get results with PKA advertising. Meh. Alright, I found it.

So this guy originally... What's that? Oh, link it up. I thought there was a picture. I'm posting it originally this guy called in to get advice on how to have sex with his cousin um chris the kiwi he is he's banned he's he's uh he's on trial right now he's got a trial going to ban him from the internet because he is a serial internet harasser like he's always messaging women telling them he wants to cut their tits off and that he loves them and uh he's like full-on buffalo bill weirdo but uh one of the girls in the show i'd me one of the girls in the show got a hold of

his profile pic and made a sent it through that gender swap ad made a fake profile called christina falso and had been talking to him i like that that's hilarious i've been talking to him for a week and barely talking at all like hi you look cute and he's immediately on to um yeah so do you want to meet like uh here's a picture of my cock. That's him gender swapped as now her? So the girl in this thing I'm looking at is a fake version of him. Non-existent person. Yes, he is on the left,

a 40-year-old man, and on the right is that same picture with the same background and everything run through the gender swap Snapchat filter. How do you get so much better looking? That's not fair. I don't know. That's just what the filter swap. Snapchat. How do you get so much better looking. That's not fair. The filter does.

I'd have sex with her. If I was hypothetically single. So. And then she just. Or he exposed the other guy. Basically. Yeah. He called in to meet the.

To meet the gender swap version of himself. Not knowing that it was catfishing the whole time. Oh, that's hilarious. How did he react? Not well. Not well. He still doesn't believe it. This isn't the policeman, right? That was the story I thought you were going with.

No. Which policeman? I'm going to Google for it. No, this is a guy that was involved with Dick's show. Oh, I'm sorry. This guy called in and talked to the man who pretended to be the gender-swapped version of the initial man. Christina Falso.

Christina Falso. Yeah, the guy who did it last week, another guy. He had a picture of himself in a wig and called in with the worst, like, hello, voice that he just he wouldn't believe wasn't a woman. Guys are real fantastic individual. I thought you were going with this story. A policeman arrested after student uses Snapchat's gender swap feature to pose as an underage girl. So this guy, I'm assuming it was an underage guy because he was a student, and he gender swapped himself.

And I guess, I don't know if he entrapped or whatever, but he has a policeman arrested now, a policeman arrested, because he poses as an underage girl and got him to behave poorly online. Yikes. I've been watching chris hansen's shit on youtube the new shit uh man so hard to watch it's so hard to watch dude because you know it's some of these guys he really takes his time and humiliates these guys you know like like like they're just like who are you i need to know who you are. And he's like, we'll get to that. No, no, no.

I need to know who you are, man. Are you like her father? We'll get to that. But first. Becoming a bit like Sean Connery the more you do him. Did you send this young lady a picture of your cock? It says right here you'd want her kitten to lick her pussy you know she's only 13 years old laddie it's so those real examples watch yeah those are real examples you know what

they should do is like like they catch the pedophile right and he's like to have a seat have a cookie might be your last in a while motherfucker and he sits down and it's like all right either the police are coming in or you can go toe-to-toe toe-to-toe with butterbean or uh fucking brock lesnar or like a mid-sized uh wildcat that's where i was like that and so they they have to like sit there and be like oh and it's like but you have to understand butterbean he's going bare knuckle and there's no ref he's gonna go until also until he thinks butterbean was molested by an older man as a child and he's not too happy about that transcript i showed him i want to see the mental math that goes on like how badass is a lynx you know that would be it you have to you know i gotta get this on the phone today you you can either go to jail or you could pick one of the three doors of horror

you might get a professional fighter who can just do whatever they want with you they might kill you in there you know they might not it's at their discretion there could be and there's always one that's a definite death where it's like polar bear. No chance. And then another one could be a smaller animal that you might have a chance without it fucking you up too bad. Like two one-year-old chimps. Uh-oh, it's a closet full of weasels. Oh, he's chosen the bee door. It's just 100,000 B.

How do I win? She went to jail. That would be really interesting, especially... It's a good show idea. I would watch the fuck out of that show. It's like deal or no deal. But for your life.

Door number one, of course, has Sacramento's finest waiting behind it, ready to book you and send you away for quite a long time. Behind doors number two, three, and four, however, well, it's a mixed bag. And behind one of the doors is the child you came here to have sex with.

That's right, little Becky's back there. She's in her swimsuit. And we've given her a bit of wine to soften her up. Oh my gosh. Oh, he chose the kid door. We don't like to see that on the show, but we do abide by the rules. Please, I don't want to play.

Too late, Becky. You also chose the wrong door. Oh, my God. She's from that Nickelodeon show where you normally get Gak poured on you, but she chose the wrong fucking door. She ended up on the set up to catch a predator. I thought I was going to catch a predator i was gonna win a nintendo switch not today suzy segue to a topic sure alabama has approved chemical

castration for some sex offender lincoln what kind pka think about this? Certain sex offenders, I did pre-read this. It applies to certain sex offenders convicted of certain crimes. Yeah, thanks. Involving children under 13. Yeah, I'm cool with that. It's an injection that blocks testosterone production. Does it work? Yeah.

All that chemical castration does does it just makes it so that you have zero sex drive anymore right but is it about the sex like is this uh it seems like they're saying this is a is this a fix for pedophilia or is it a weird sexual punishment it's a fix for pedophilia except Except for that one guy who's like, I never liked fucking the kids. I just liked hurting them. That's just a murderer. No, I like to fuck them to death. That's my thing.

I never even asked the question that Dick asked, does it work? Like, you take away your sex drive. That's the engineer in me. Are pedo sex drives driven by tea, like normal reproductive sex drives? Yes. Yeah, I mean, it is a sex drive.

I see it more of like, the sex drive, that's the motor, and then it can go in any given direction. Maybe you're a pedo, maybe you're straight, maybe you're gay, but you get rid of it, you shut that engine down, you're not going down any of those roads, I wouldn't think. But there are other downsides to this that are just inhumane, like muscle loss and chubbiness.

Muscle loss? Oh, the pedophiles can't get ripped? Yeah, you're going to take their teeth? Yeah, no, I mean, it'll be hard-pressed to get me to empathize with someone fucking, you know, 11-year-olds. Of all people, I thought you'd empathize with

muscle loss, like you understand the value. I think most of these guys are pretty spindly. Or that's what I picture when I picture a pedophile. Either really big fat or like a little weasel. I don't want the government tampering with brain chemistry to stop crimes from happening. They could stop before they do that. As much as... Go ahead, sorry.

I'm okay with it. I think that um it's currently i think that there's often situations where a convicted pedophile has that option they can be like all right you can continue your prison sentence or we can you can you can take this medication which is going to block your testosterone and you'll no longer want to have sex with kids and you're probably going to mild bout of depression you've you've seen a beautiful mind right well no that's not beautiful mind what's the alan turing movie um with uh oh the something inventor the imitation game yeah yeah i wasn't helped at all so so what happened

to alan turing who based who in many who saved thousands and thousands of allied troops lives and in many ways quickened the end of of World War II by cracking those codes. He was gay, and he got caught with a man outside a bar or something like that a few years after the war. But the bad outweighed the good. And Jesus Christ. And they sentenced him to this chemical castration. I'm sure it was a more barbaric form of some kind I don't think they didn't it was still chemical castration but he ended up killing himself um because of the side effects and and and of course he was not

a pedophile he was just a gay adult man with another gay adult man trying to you know live with who he loved or you know hook up with him or whatever. He killed himself because of that. I kind of have a bad taste in my mouth about chemical castration because of the Alan Turing whole story and everything like that. I don't know if

there are chemical castration lower T like this, but depression is a low T thing. I think whenever you bring any thing like this to a personal place like this but depression is a low t thing i think whenever you bring any like sort of thing like this to a personal place whether it's abortion we've talked about that before how people's opinions on abortion chain can change a single man might be like yeah let's leave that on the books but you get married and you're like yeah stop killing babies it's not important anymore nothing you know i'm on the right i'm on the right side of the fence now. We're all good. But in the same way, I feel like

if you have a fucking convicted pedophile in your neighborhood and you have children who are right up his alley or whatever. This guy, you went to prison for molesting 13-year-old boys and you've got two boys, 12 and 14. You probably don't

you're probably not too tolerant yeah and you're probably open to a lot of solutions yeah that's alabama keep in mind these are family we got the we got the government everywhere i just uh that is true it's the same way that like i guess i could see this the same way look at the death penalty where it's like you see somebody who's a serial child rapist and viscerally you're like, yeah, kill that person. There are ways to kill them. But then there's the leap of like, okay, so do you want the government making this call?

And then that's why I'm ultimately against the death penalty because it gives too much power to the government. Counterpoint, this is reversible. You have to keep taking this to keep suppressing the tea and it's it's actually a thing like good behavior for five years and they might back it off well then what if it were they going to extend this next like why not why not do it to all sex crimes is it like they get everybody has such a hard-on for protecting children or hard-on for protecting but like like to dick's point like

what if they make it oh you know that's three strikes of your burglarizing your t is way too high if we lower your lower your t you're not even gonna have the motivation to steal things you're just gonna do nothing like you wouldn't want to see it extend past that but when name one other time the government has like stuck their foot in the door and then taken it way too far oh yeah you're no that's true they never do that they're very measured responsible Name one other time the government has stuck their foot in the door and then taken it way too far. Oh, yeah. No, that's true. They never do that. They're very measured, responsible.

Patriot Act, totally not a thing. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know what I think about it. That's a great example of what you're talking about, though. I was like, I know it happens, but I can't think of one. Yeah. Yeah.

All the censorship and the internet to fucking gobbledygook, like keep a track of everyone, spying. So yeah, I don't know. Probably not good to give the government

this much power, but at the same time, it'll probably, it's going to be popular because on a surface level, people go, pedophiles, fuck them.

Yeah. Yeah. So we're coming down pro-pedophile on this. Goddamn right. This is America. Guns, freedom, and jailbait. That's America.

I'm proud to be in America. We're in the deep stuff. I don't know about that slogan. That doesn't really... I don't think it fits on a bumper sticker for one thing. Man, people with multiple sentences on a bumper sticker are the worst. Well, people with lots of bumper stickers are already the worst. I don't care that you've been to Alaska seven times.

Fuck off. You're just making your car look ugly. Do you guys judge people with bad bumper stickers? I don't care about that I'm actually secretly just jealous of. Is it 23.6 or 26.3? ugly. You know what I don't care about that I'm actually secretly just jealous of? Your, is it 23.6 or 26.3? One of those that implies you finished a marathon? Yeah.

You're just making me feel bad about me, so stop it. Yeah. I just don't want to see anything. Anyone can buy one of those. Oh, wow. That's funny. It might be funny to take a bunch of those like the really high level ones like like i bet there's one i was gonna say there's probably one for like like completing k2

like unassisted or something like that and like like one of those ultra marathons it's like 200 whatever 10 marathons is but it's like 230 miles or something but put them on fat people's cars yeah no that's right fat and old this is a good prank everyone out there but put them on fat people's cars. Yeah. Fat and old. This is a good prank. Everyone out there, definitely put things on other people's property that are going to damage. Don't actually do that. I would be livid if somebody put a bumper sticker

on my car. I hate bumper stickers. My truck was maybe two days old. I went to a paramotor thing and they put this advertisement for their business and it wasn't on the bumper. It was on the tailgate.

And it was like 18 inches by two feet. It was like a giant flipping sticker. And what did it say on there? It was like a logo for a paramotor training facility. I love masturbating. And I didn't want it on the tailgate of my truck. And you have to understand, the listeners know, maybe Dick does it. Like I had my previous truck for 15 years.

I kind of like delayed this gratification on a pretty extreme scale. So when I got this new truck, it was like kit to me. You know, the car Hasselhoff drove in. Like it drives itself. It stops for cars. It's the most amazing thing ever. It's a V8. Like the new V8s are 400 horsepower, which is insane to me.

And it was just a dream that I had finally granted myself. And then as it was like two days old, they put a giant sticker to advertise their business on it. Yeah. But like they did it as like a prank though, right? Yeah. Yeah. So like when you saw it, they were when they saw when you saw it they were there to be like i gotcha no uh it was clear who it was like it was clear that it was one of these four or five people because there's a small

company there's no big paramotor companies and uh i was like deflated about it it was like i thought it wouldn't come off well. You know, we all went out to dinner. That's how I saw it. And it was just like, what am I going to do about this? You know, I thought there'd be a residue left behind where like for the rest of my life, it would have like a dirt pattern. You know, like it would never be the same. It actually came off pretty well.

Me and my friend's girlfriend, we went back to the truck, and we just kind of like peeled off the sticker. And when I got back, one of them admitted to it. And because I'm an asshole, I forget what I said. I was like, we should wrestle. But I was like willing to drop it and let it go or whatever. And he said yes. He said yes.

Yes to drop it? No. Yes to wrestling. Yes to wrestling. He was it and let it go or whatever. And he said yes. He said yes. Yes to drop it? No. Yes to wrestling. Yes to wrestling. He was like, let's go. Did you put a sticker on my bumper, brother? It's the dumbest thing. I admit this.

I guess I just don't deal with problems very well. And I was like seated in a lawn chair, and I was like, ah, yeah. So then you guys sort of playfully, we did, we did, right? Like you didn't. Yeah. I don't know how the story gets retold, but the truth is this guy was not a match for me. He had no training. And so he went in for like this silly takedown or something, which I instantly stuffed.

They're like, Woody picked him up four feet, which is true. But then I let him down softly. Like I controlled let him down because that was a thing we did in training too. Like we didn't slam people all the time. And then from there, like I just like I sort of changed submission after submission without tightening any of them. I took his back, sank a choke, didn't choke. Grabbed an armbar, didn't tweak it. A Kimura, didn't finish it.

I just sort of didn't hurt him for a minute or two, and that was how it went. Did he actually take off the bumper sticker? We took off the bumper sticker. We went to a restaurant, me and this girl who's my friend's girlfriend went back there and just sort of peeled it all off. Oh, well, he should have had to do that. Yeah, but it was fine.

He probably would have fucked that up, though. I'm glad I did it, you know? Yeah. I wish they had done it. Like a broken down bottle or something. Like, I kind of get that it's, like, I see the funny in it, know I wish they had done it like I kind of get that it's like I see the funny in it but I also see the like dude who puts a sticker on a man's brand new truck that like

it's shined to advertise your business like that's that was even more socially inappropriate than my offer to wrestle I like that you proved you could destroy him in a number of ways that's how it went down yeah an arm bar that i don't tweak a joke that i it's i gave him one of these it's a weird thing like i don't i'm trying to come off like some tough guy or something but it

if you've had any grappling experience it's like challenging someone who doesn't play guitar to a guitar competition. Like, obviously, the guy just doesn't have anything to bring to the table. One guy gets his guitar out, and the other one kind of is like, Air guitar? Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na. And the crowd's like, I like the air guitar guy.

He's got spirit. Is that Megadeth? Yeah, it's, but that's how it went down and um afterwards i was laughing and he was laughing and uh you know it was fun i have two videos here one is quite long and the purpose of it would be to watch giggle and riff a little bit because apparently it's a game crazy training video like for employees i guess uh the other one is quick and to the point it's a bit of fight porn but it's over on public freak out um it's an instance of well the title says picking a fight with someone twice your size jeez let's watch that one first okay i'm cute at

zero on picking a fight with someone twice your size it has audio and the audio is pretty good okay that saying this kind of video takes a minute to queue up yeah and just for the audience's benefit the aggressor is what i will say is about a five foot six five foot seven foot tall young man maybe maybe 20 years old. Are those capri pants on full-sized people? He's got some JNCO jeans on and no shirt. They might be shorts on you, Kyle. Yeah, he's already taken his...

Those would be pants? Those would be pants on a person with no legs, maybe. I don't know. Very little man wearing these huge shorts. And the other guy is just a large black man who's literally, I would say, double the size. Yeah.

I think the black guy's got 100 pounds on him. You guys ready? Yeah. Ready, set, play. Go on the lead, bro. You done met your match. He gonna sleep with you, bro. I'm trying to get you to sleep, bro. He ain't gonna try to sleep with you. He ain't gonna do nothing. What is he thinking?

Look at that fight stance. Hey, bro, watch out, bro. His feet are four feet wide. watch out bro I'm feeling forced I'm a knockout you're a lot of fire fuck you bitch don't touch me no more

don't touch me no more get your stupid ass up get your stupid ass in the car he got walloped now you got tears in your eyes wow he got walloped. He got it so hard.

That guy didn't have to get through any defenses. Just a free little... He parried. He grabbed his hand and punched him in the fucking head with that meat hock he calls a fist. That was great. That's like a Monty Python sketch. That was just a flesh wound.

I'll be up in a second. Oh my goodness. Come on down here with me bro come on come down to my world let's go come on get on breeze make it fair let's go oh yeah who says that is that always sunny who's the get in my guard that sounds like that would be funny if mac did that you know he was into wrestling or something like that they did it in the simpsons um yeah that guy got walloped i i enjoy seeing that sort of thing he got hit so hard in the fucking head this other video you linked is 12 minutes long yes it is yes it is no need to watch the whole thing i i i'm told that it's definitely worth the watch a watch of some kind though.

They tell me that there's a lot of funniness going on here. This is some sort of an employee training video. Trying to skip the opening music. Yeah, like if you go to like 18 seconds I think. Okay. Are we ready at 18? Yep.

Actually, go to 20 so you don't get any music whatsoever. They sort of fades in. Yep. Got it. At 20. Three, two, one, play. ...bringing you the best of Game Crazy at the Game Crazy Selling Skills Challenge. That's where talent, skills, knowledge, and great value come together to create the ultimate games destination that's right

keith we're gonna see some fierce competition out there today they're gonna have to give it all they got to be successful out there because today's game isn't about scoring points getting kills or saving the universe from alien domination no keith today's game is all about selling that's right bobby but the kind of selling we're talking about... Oh, this is so bad. ...is a loud, obnoxious pitch. At Game Crazy, selling's about identifying...

Is this an adult swimming sketch? No, this is an employee training video for a GameStop-like store. The black guy is what I imagine you'd get if you combined key and peel. ...use games, MVP, trades, and pre-orders. So let's go down to the game floor where Zelda Scott will take us through our keys to the game. Zelda. Zelda Scott. What is this?

Keys to the game. Thanks, KC and BP. I'm down here in the his house. You know, the heezy. No. GC Posse to get the 411 on game crazy. Let's start with the hardware. This is like a gamer's ride, dog.

And if you sell on the right ride, you got a better chance of selling some 20-inch chrome rims later. Know what I'm saying? The key here is to sell them the system right for them so that they'll keep coming back for more accessories and games. And speaking of games, GameCrazy's got all the fly new game titles, but we've also got the mad hookup when it comes to used games. And speaking of games, GameCrazy's got all the fly new game titles, but we've also got the mad hookup when it comes to used games.

So far, she's the cool guy. They guarantee and they cost less. Booyah! The ones that are crazy tight with the GC. We've got the MVP card. The MVP card means upfront revenue for GameCrazy and higher trade values, special discounts, and exclusive tournaments for the players. Trades are where GameCrazy makes crazy dollars. Yeah, it is. Players can get mad values.

She said it twice. It also means that GameCrazy's got the used game hookups on the latest games. And finally, pre-orders. This is for the real serious players. The ones who've got to get the new games first and beat them before anyone else.

They can check out our Reserve Now board, check out our product slicks in the Reserve Now binder, put $5 down, and they've got a reservation at the hottest game spot in town, Game Crazy. Well, that's it from down on the floor, y'all. This is Zelda Scott, and those are the keys to the game. Peace out. What the?

This is one of the cringiest. Makes my teeth hurt. Now, let's get ready to rumble as we begin the Game Crazy Sales Challenge with Hardware Sales. This is 12 minutes long. How much are we going to talk about? Yeah, that is a good question. Let's get another segment in. Kyle's excited.

Hi, welcome to Game Crazy. Now we've got actual acting. Hi. Hi, what's this you're interested in today? Well, it's my son's birthday, and I'm looking for some video games, but I'm really not sure what he wants. All right, what system does he play? Oh, and here he goes, asking the right questions.

He's off to a good start, Keith. System. You know what? That's what I need. I need a system and some video games. Sorry, I'm just all brand new to this. No, it's fine. Basically, there's three platforms to pick from.

You have an Xbox, a PlayStation 2, and a GameCube. Like her kid didn't tell her what game system he wanted. His mom doesn't listen at all. So how old is your son? He's turning 12, and he's in middle school. Okay. He's 37. What kind of games does he like to play?

His favorite is driving games. All right, how about DVD movies? The critical movie question. The kids love the movies keith he does have a tv and this will be in his room so you know that would be great you know i'm not so comfortable with that well you know actually it's pretty safe and secure but i understand your concerns but he did a nice job of keeping things moving how about friends will you have friends over absolutely he has two or three buddies that I know he'd have over. All right. So based on what you're telling

me, I'd probably recommend a Sony PlayStation 2. It has some great racing titles. You can play up to four players at once. You can play DVD movies. And while it's not the best online system, you can definitely tap into it later on down the line if you decide to go that route. Ah, great suggestion. What a lucky kid. Wow. Sounds great. Jesus Christ. I think that's what I need. This is ridiculous. I'm going to watch the rest of this later because I'm hoping that that lady comes back.

The his-a-house-a-lady. I want to hear more about the players and the 20... Wait! Don't quit! She's back. Let's go down to the floor with Zelda. Oh, God. She's back. Oh god. She's back.

How'd you do it, dog? Well, Zelda, actually it was really simple. I just found out what she was looking for. I needed to know who was going to be playing the system, what kind of games her son was going to be playing, what she could afford, and then what kind of features she might want later on down the line.

I suggested the right system system with the right accessories, built trust and a relationship, and after that, it was easy. Well, you certainly made it look that way, dog. There you have it. All right, that's enough of that now. Oh, thanks. Yeah. Man, Zelda, cool guy of the week.

Man, this is like something, I guarantee this was an inspiration for Tim and Eric. Like, it had to be, right? It's the bomb diggity. This level of discomfort. This is the bomb diggity. Now, the real cool guys of the week are the PKA Reddit

for changing it to look exactly like the St. Louis Blues Reddit. I like that. It also confused me when I was trying to read about hockey. I was like, why is there a picture of me calling me a fat headed retard on the St. Louis Blues Reddit? Do we want to watch the video clip of the woman getting the ass tattoo?

No. I am not even familiar with that video. I don't even like it. She just fakes. She's fake. Oh, she's screaming about it? She's screaming. She pretends she's having sex. She's begging for attention and I don't want to give it to her. She farts on the guy though.

I didn't even catch that part. That's the title of the video. I know. I didn't get the reaction. I've just got a bunch of people sending me messages telling me to do it you want to do it?

I don't know I haven't seen it oh I've seen it oh wait I think I know scrolling up here I'm seeing your guys conversation from earlier let's not watch that she's lame like that's my issue with it she's lame she's fake she's lame

pretending that she's not the bomb she's fake she's lame pretending that if she's not the bomb diggity no i don't know i was almost mad at her for wasting my time woody do you have a lower threshold for women and their duplicit duplicitous lies and faking after having raised daughters or is that something you've always had what do you think i think you need to watch this video and you'll be on my team with this oh i'm on your team i'm on your team you even hint at an attention horary and i'm out absolutely not i'll take back of you she's like oh oh yeah yeah yeah oh and she's getting like an anus tattoo and an anus tattoo yeah and then she farts on the tattoo guy What a piece of shit Right and

Right at the start of the video she drops a huge N-bomb But it seemed contrived There's a camera on her that she's hamming up for And I It was just the lamest of lame I thought Maybe other people like that Man anus tattoos

Who wins? No one of late and i thought maybe other people's tattoos who's who wins no one no one wins the guy who's gonna fuck you from behind doesn't want to see like a anus tattoo what are you getting like a star mom m-o-m uh what if you made a flower out of it well we could all appreciate a joke kyle i want one where something's crawling out of and he's going yeah how about like a puff of smoke like it went to the side oh god yeah i've seen those tattoos and pussy tattoos as well oh we were talking about the the video where the guy trolls the porn stars last week that's the one chick's got that pussy tattoo and she's like yeah i really regret it he's like yeah i bet you do that one and that one and that one and that one

he's like is that a dead hooker and a trash can on your arm what a fucking self-portrait just it's good stuff god they're mean did you watch any of those taylor i haven't yet no god damn it taylor that's you had one job one job to watch those videos that was it yeah i've never seen a girl with a tattoo of huge tits on her back why is that that is the tattoo that i want to see because then you're just the best of both worlds i feel like i don't have to explain why this is such a good tattoo you don't you've already sold me never seen it how about back implants so that you got you got tits back there. Now 100% of the woman is useful. Can't lose. Can't lose.

Oh, you're a genius. Oh, man, let's... That's another Kickstarter. Yeah, that's another Kickstarter. We're doing that. We're doing that breast milk service that Kyle thought about a while ago. What other...

We're doing the game show where the pedophile might succeed, but he also might get mauled. I don't think Kickstarter is going to let that page live. I think they're going to shut that one down. Aren't you making a new Patreon or something? Yeah, I made one. A couple people have, right? It's like a conservative protest of some sorts well yeah i mean also people who get kicked off people got banned so but you didn't sargon

got banned no but i've been banned from so many things that i gotta be ready for it and i don't want everyone to get cut out at once uh plus i got there's a bunch of artists that work for that do thumbnails and do some art for the show. They got banned from Patreon. They got banned from PayPal. Really? What was the company's reasoning? Hate speech.

It's always hate speech. And they're like normal artists. I don't... Yeah. They just make thumbnails and shit and they get banned. Yeah. But what they get banned for, like probably not for your thumbnail. I imagine that,

well, they are conservative. So everything they do is hate speech. Like using, using the N word at all as a conservative is a hate crime. Um, using it, uh, using it under any other context is not so i'm

sure i'm sure they got banned for some combination of that like i find it hard to believe that one use of the n-word in a comic is enough to get your paypal account banned yeah um meanwhile paypal's a weird one i didn't think they would ban yeah like i don't think uh but nobody had a problem when dr dre was selling beads of use of the n-word so it's got to have a quasi political slant to it anyway all those guys are on my on my patreon alternative um how's it working so far it's great but the hardest part is the fucking bank chase has out of nowhere they they've shut down two of my business accounts with no explanation other than we can't prove you're not internet gambling uh which is insane to me because i've banked with them for 10 years they have the

mortgage on my fucking house uh but they've started getting real political lately so i got a new bank um the hardest part is all the stupid bullshit that the banks make because banks are like a black box like the whoever you're talking to is not a representative for the bank they're just somebody to get you to sign paperwork and then they're gone they have no influence over what happens behind closed doors i liken it to working with a city. Like there's 15,000 people that work here. It is very hard to get to the person who can help you. Yeah. The bank manager at Chase, when he told me, look, they just don't want to work with you.

You got to find somewhere else. Somewhere in the back, there's the Monopoly guy with the monocle and everything. Yeah. You don't count him. We don't want his type. Well, Dick, you'll have to make your own bank are there tons of small transactions cash sorry what was that are there a lot of small transactions in your business when they shut it down uh no no first of all no everything that

comes in through credit card processing goes through a different um goes through an intermediary authorized.net and they're used to smallish transaction they're used they have like a whole division of subscription models so you'll come in at five bucks a month ten bucks a month twenty like they're used to you know parking meters two dollars vending machines so chase was just seeing those aggregated lumps and they weren't even seeing that yet all they saw was who I was and what the business was about and two transactions before they decided to shut it down twice. Um,

it sucks. It does suck. So it's, but it's, you know, without the, without my platform, the artists on it would just have no way to make money.

Um, so they got that. Go ahead, Kyle. The video here is being pushed up pretty highly right now by my associates. They're saying that we should watch this video called The Subway Smackdown. I've got it ready. I just need a moment.

There's no audio on this one? No, there is. It came in really loud when it auto played good tip are you guys ready 3 2 1 play oh I saw this one

oh what a headbutt! Oh. Buckle up, buckaroos. Oh, God! Vinny the wolf! Dude, that's my trademark. And the guy in the back just trying to get a sandwich. Look. Come on.

Why is that guy doing that? Oh, shit. Uh-oh. Wow. Oh, no! Not the glass! Oh, that's play glass. He's gonna be fucked. Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh no not the glass

Oh that's plate glass he's gonna be fucked Oh he is Oh he's fucked Oh my god This is about it There's cops waiting I'll turn it down Probably should have got there a little sooner

I don't know from the cost, the timing might have been perfect. Dude, plate glass is so gnarly. Can you explain that to me? Had I not seen videos like this, I would have thought that glass wasn't as dangerous as it seems to be. It's very sharp. There's big, long pieces of it. It slices you up. I feel like if i would

use my elbow to break the glass next to a front door right the kind of glass you see all the time that it wouldn't be that damaging right it might not be but he hit a piece of plate glass that's four feet by five feet this the the shards of it some of them are the size of maybe your finger but some of them are the size of like a half of a table but they're shaped like a big triangle or something. Like big giant blades are going everywhere slicing left and right. God knows what the back of his thighs and his ass looks like because he fell face first on it.

Look at him. Look how much blood's on the street. Ugh, Jesus Christ. Yeah, he's fucked. Yeah, plate glass is bad news. Yeah, you don't want to fuck around. That is not. I wonder how long he's going to jail. They probably both are going to get in a lot of trouble. I have a tip. Probably not a lot.

Especially for people that have insurance. If you ever get big cuts on your face like that and they take you to the emergency room, ask for a plastic surgeon. If you don't ask, you'll get whoever's there and they'll just sew you up to save your life. If you ask for a plastic surgeon, they'll sew you up to be handsome afterwards. Yep. Could they make me even better looking? No.

Impossible. Oh. They don't have that technology. No, I don't think so. They'd be like, there's just so much skull here. What's happening? Did you have a conjoined twin that died?

What happened? Oh, you consumed a conjoined twin that died? What happened? Oh, you consumed him in the womb. I see. Did you guys see that? Cuba Gooding Jr.? What? I don't know. What happened with him?

What's going on with Cuba? He was in Snow Dogs. Great movie. Oh, and he was also radio. Hilarious movie. Never go full retard. He turned himself into the police as a, it looks like 29

year old woman told the police that he grabbed her breast while he was intoxicated and forcibly touching her. And he's saying, no, I didn't. He is saying that there isn't even a hint of truth to this and that he'll beat the allegations.

It's the problem with all this sexual assault stuff. There's never any proof. Right? These sorts of things happen in an environment where it's not being recorded. There may be not even any witnesses. So, on the guy's part, it's like this just flat out didn't happen. How do you prove a thing didn't happen? How do you prove a negative?

It's very difficult. And then on the girl's side, how do you prove it did happen? We were alone. It's a rough situation. Yeah, I think you should just always just ignore what the – I can't even finish that sentence. Just don't believe them no matter what they say. And then, you know, you really got to look twice when it's a celebrity, I feel like,

because you see so many people try to entrap celebrities a lot. They do it on purpose. It's a pretty common thing. I don't care about Cuba Gooding Jr., though. Last time he made a movie was that movie Men of Honor with Robert De Niro about the deep sea Navy divers. You ever see that shit? No. It's a good fucking movie.

It's like World War II or maybe right after World War II, so let's just say 1950. And Cuba Cudding Jr. is like a sharecropper's son who wants to join the Navy and become a deep-sea fucking rescue diver. I just don't think he's a very good actor. He's good in this. I don't think he's a good actor either, but he's good in this. I liked him in Jerry Maguire.

Yeah, he was fine in Jerry Maguire. I've never seen Jerry Maguire. Really? That's that's a good fucking movie dude another homework assignment for taylor no he needs to finish the sopranos he needs to finish the sopranos um i've got another guy watching the sopranos and he like writes me like notes he's like you know as things happen he's like i can't believe tony's mom the fuck dude When you said she was evil, I thought you just meant a bad person. Holy shit! Holy shit! Tony's mom, dude! I'm like, yeah. Yeah, she's the worst person. It's a show about

mobsters, murderers, killers. Tony's mother is the most evil character in the whole show. What does she do? I think I'm the end of season two, and I don't know if she's done anything super... Conspires to kill a bunch of people, ruins people's lives. Oh, I thought for sure you were just gonna be likeires to kill a bunch of people. Ruins people's lives. Oh, I thought for sure he was just going to be like

wasn't emotionally supportive of Tony. Incredibly emotionally crushing. The child abuse. When she told him as a child she could stick the thing in his eye and screamed in his face. All the weird stuff where she sexualized the food. That's why he's got this connection

between the man getting his finger chopped off and his and and yeah i i'm not i'm not gonna go through the whole list but but horrible horrible person she's the worst person in the show most evil person that exists in that show and that's amongst characters like phil leotardo who like sets female fbi agents to get beaten and raped and who like you know beat that gay guy to death with clubs and stuck one up his ass and stuff like that. But Tony's mother is the most evil character in all of the Sopranos. You should watch more Sopranos.

I remember her being a cunt in the first and second season. All those murderers and rapists and such. I find Tony's son to be the least likable person in the show. Most annoying. He's the mostable person in the show. Most annoying. He's the most annoying character in the show. He's pretty annoying. I think we're good now. You see us move and stuff?

I did, yeah, yeah, yeah. It happened twice in this show, and I started running a test to make sure it wasn't my internet. I didn't go green though. You got that going for you. I had people tweet me weird subreddits that would be fun to make fun of.

They sent me one called Incest Relationships. I only got one or two posts into that before i'm like oh man some of this it seems like these people are actually doing this and so that that's pretty fucked but dick you when i mentioned that pre-show you said you had something incest related maybe that happened oh yeah the guy who fell for his gender swap christina falso thing he called in the first time to get advice on how to have sex with his cousin. That was how I got introduced to this job. Wow.

So what advice did you give him? Don't. Don't do it. How do you know that she has any desire to have sex with you? And he said, well, she hasn't blocked my other account. That's a loo. You're in. Go for it're in go for it what the hell by the way I thought the Cuba Gooding Jr. thing was kind of a nothing

burger thing because you know we got no evidence I just saw a video of him grabbing this bitch's titty let me see damn was I was sorry I was off on that it was hard to find I had to go all the way to TMZ.com Oh man

Poor Cuba He was in that abortion of a film Pearl Harbor You ever see Pearl Harbor? Oh that's a shit movie Where's Cuba? He's sitting down Okay okay there's an arrow on him now

She's very close Oh The other one got jealous And waddled her way over These girls are a little big for kids though Where is his hand right now It's on her knee right now Okay even that's a little forward

Y'all bitches ever seen Men of Honor? I think she's pushing his hand away. I'm guessing by the fact that that dude stepped in that maybe she got loud or something. I put you in Snow Dogs 2, bitch. Yeah. I know that radio money's running out. Radio 2's going to be even better.

I'm going to play professional football. I'm not just going to be the handyman anymore. Now there's guys surrounding you. When is the gropery going to happen? Now the Black Forest come. You didn't have a clear shot. He touched the thigh and breast breast so that might have been thigh early on and i think the breast already happened well i uh still don't care but but i gotta say

uh i definitely feel think less of cuba gooding jr now if that's possible you know because he did make those two good movies i don't think about him at all in the 90s um i enjoyed i enjoyed both of those films uh jeremy what's a movie that you thought was really dope and then you re-watched it and sucked i have good taste so it doesn't happen well i mean you may have been a child raiders of the lost ark that i've showed my girlfriend that recently i'm like oh fuck this this is not as good as i remember it i think raiders is still good temple of doom is garbage though i can't watch temple of doom all the star wars are terrible that star wars was gonna be my one i hate to hate on star wars i think i like it more than

the other guys on the show but i re-watched what i'll call the fourth one you know that or the oldest one and uh it didn't hold up as well as it did in my memory. Wait, why did Kyle do that? I was trying to do the math in my head, how the fourth one is the oldest one. Oh, because there were three prequels for four,

five, six, one, two, three. And now they're on like 10, right? Gotcha.

Something like that. Yeah. Yeah. So, uh, yeah, you rewatched if you, if you,

if anyone rewatches that lately, I think you'll find there's a lot of lull in that. The action scenes don't hold. I was on the edge of my seat as a kid in that scene where they're in kind of a trash compactor. As an adult, it's not as good. I think he's going to make it. What about you?

I watched The Abyss too recently and the aliens just look dumb oh come on man don't be shitting on the abyss did you that james cameron went through hell and fucking high water to get that film made literally all right they went to like i think it's either south carolina or north carolina they got this abandoned nuclear plant they had to make the biggest fucking fresh water tank on the goddamn planet to film this shit. There were goats shitting in it and stuff. The actors had to spend all day,

hours every day in it. They had to become actual deep sea divers to even film this fucking movie. A couple of them nearly drowned. Ed Harris almost drowned. He nearly died filming the movie because the rescue diver put the wrong end of the respirator in his mouth, so he was getting fouled up air he was getting water give me like the the one the one

paragraph summation like what is this movie um deep sea dicks i hate it take um so so it's a it's a team of deep sea miners so they're under the under the ocean in a mining sort of facility um and uh they discover a russian submarine oh god and uh and so like uh there's aliens the american sub with nukes crashes yeah because of aliens yeah um and government takes over uh takes over a deep sea mining rig to get the nukes yeah they're not exactly they're like they're like deep sea earthlings. They're from here, but they live down in the bottom of a trench. And it's good. I'll admit the special effects there at the end.

I mean, it was a different time. But I like that movie a lot. And there's a tentacle. A watery tentacle that looks legit. I thought that CGI is good. Have you watched it in a long time, Carl? I watched it last week. You watched The Abyss last week? I thought that CGI is good. Have you watched it in a long time, Kyle? I watched it last week. You watched The Abyss last week?

I watched a lot of movies. How do you think I'm regurgitating this nonsense? Blown away, and I watched it last. Maybe it's just when you're with someone who hasn't seen it and you're looking at it critically, it's like, oh, God. Oh, no. The tentacle thing isn't cool at all. You know the scene where the chick drowns and

Ed Harris is slapping her to wake her up? He's really slapping her and she's really laying there topless. She will not even discuss that film to this day. Really? Yes. Yes. Is there a scene in the Abyss where they breathe orange liquid? Yeah, that is real

science, by the way. That's not like pseudo-made up stuff. That's oxygenated liquid and the idea was that was going to be for deep sea diving. There's a scene in there because you can get more oxygen in the liquid for the system. Do you remember when they take the rat and they put it in that pink stuff?

That's real. They're actually doing that. That's not like some sort of fake camera fakery or cgi they're putting a rat in oxygenated liquid and he's breathing it really yes it's an outtake from ghostbusters 2 this is the same that is youtubers haven't heard of oxygenated liquid i want to see some of these influencers almost drown or really do it it. Yeah, that's fucking real. They're really putting that goddamn rat in liquid and it's breathing that liquid

and they pull it back up. It breathes all the liquid out and it's good again. That's real science. I think they say in the movie that we do it as babies. Or pre-babies? What the hell? We do do it as babies. Yeah, as infants. Although those don't count as people. What are we looking for?

Well, it depends who you ask, Woody. What do you call that thing that lives inside of a woman? Fetus. That's the word I'm searching for. Yes, that genetic material that should be harvested. Not quite a person. I'm not going to put that on the top of the list of your recommended stuff

yeah well but well you know maybe you should watch some of the stuff that is at the top of the list and maybe you'll get to the the mid so many of the movies i watch like are campy terrible horror movies all right i just i love those have you said have you seen um how that that that like something in tucker versus evil yeah yeah i think that's funny that's a real fucking gym in the rough right there that is quality fucking entertainment i love that movie yeah it is it's really funny and it's like it's almost done too well though like they're it is very funny but i see that as a comedy not a horror i like just as much i like just as much the ones where it's like they're trying to make a good horror movie and it is just so bad and the acting's bad and the effects are bad and the pacing and the lighting is

bad i don't know why i love well i recommended you the greatest of that genre that exists and that's killer clowns from outer space i don't know and that's Killer Clowns from Outer Space. I don't know if that's on Netflix. A lot of it's on YouTube. Is it? Yeah. You've seen clips from it. It's gigantic Killer Clowns from Outer Space.

Yeah, we watched a bit of that on the show. Like a funny scene when they're on the moon or some shit. Well, I don't know about that. I don't think that happens, but enough ridiculous stuff happens that you're going to be fine. It's awful. It's just a real terrible, terrible thing. Dude, we were talking earlier about stupid shit on YouTube we watch. I can't stop watching this guy who dresses up like he's from the 1700s

and does a cooking show. I can't stop. I watched two episodes and I'm done. I want to learn about modern cooking. No, but he's so excited about it. He'll be like, hi, I'm Townsend with Townsend and Sons, and today we're making hardtack the way they would in the 1600s. And meanwhile, he's got that silly little cap on,

the fucking colonial outfit. He's like, now come with me and I'll show you the right steps. And he does all that. He's sitting, now come with me. I'll show you the right steps. And he does all that. He's sitting outside with a fake rifle next to him. He's all cosplayed out. That guy's channel's dope. It makes me uncomfortable when he has African Americans on the show, though, because they're wearing the slave garb.

Wait, you just made that up, though, right? No. Okay. No. I mean, there was the... Yeah, you you can find that clip it wouldn't have been as bad if the the black guy wasn't saying like please why do you make me wear this the townsend guy is like shut the fuck up this is this is the 1700s you're gonna wear what i say you need to wear no and in real life be thankful for your rags boy the black guy has difficulty cooking with

the chains but no the black guy was he was just another chef a very uh hefty gentleman which is a good that's what i'm saying because he's a very fat guy and that means he can make some fire food or it means he's not very discerning about what he thinks is fire food right maybe he's just like, this is good, that's good. A lot of this is good. A lot of that's good. I think he's got a big fat friend. He doesn't know shit.

It might mean he likes fast food. You look at Gordon Ramsay, that guy's fit. Yeah, but he's like, he's so famous, he's gotta be fit. I'm scouring my head for counter examples, and I landed on Ratatouille. That guy has got all sorts of issues. Mario Batali, he's fat.

Are you talking about the cartoon movie with the rat? Yeah. God damn it. That guy who makes the food at TGI Fridays, he's fat. Yeah, that guy has a lot of sex. Oh, they must all be dimes. Yeah, sure. Yeah, that guy has a lot of sex. Oh, they must all be dimes. Yeah, sure. Yeah.

Yeah, I don't think you necessarily trust that a fat person knows anything more about food than a really thin person. They're just not as picky, maybe. Maybe they just like eating more, too. Yeah. That seems to be a commonality among obese people is that they love to eat. I haven't been following wings lately. This is groundbreaking information, Taylor. But I saw a bunch of people linking me where people were congratulating him for beating his surgery.

So I think maybe that may have happened. I don't know if it's just people being mean or if he actually said that he has beaten the surgery and now he's gaining weight. But by the look of the video of the of the like the messages and the comments and stuff, it was like huge congratulations to, you know, Wings of Redemption. Nobody thought you could do it, but I knew you had it in you the whole time. Like stuff like that. So, you know, congrats for beating the surgery. Yeah. Man, that sucks.'s wings of redemption sore spot that hurts so much let's pick at that let me let me let me ask somebody rapid fingers yeah they'll get back in i want a keyboard that sounds Rapid fingers.

Yeah, they'll get back to you. I want a keyboard that sounds like you hit five keys every time you touch it. Another GoFundMe idea. Do you know what kind of switches you have? Switches? Mm-hmm. What does that mean? I can tell you what kind of keyboard I have,

and then you can do the work. I have the Razer Huntsman. I just had to get this because i spilt diet pepsi on my other one and uh i i meticulously took it apart for 15 minutes and then when i realized i couldn't fix it i just started smashing it like that scene in 2001 a space odyssey when the gorillas figure out how to use a club i just there's bits of it behind me on the floor somewhere. I just beat the fucking shit out of it. I have a preference for clicky keyboards like the one you bought, but I feel like they're not right for this show.

So I have this almost silently clicky. It's not a straight mush, but you can feel it break free. And they're, shucks, is it the Cherry Browns I think they are? And I can't see what you have. And I don't even know if Cherry is the cool thing anymore. It used to be. Four people are telling me that, yes, he beat a surgery. He is no longer losing weight.

Wow, when did he get the surgery? A year and a half ago? A year ago? Not even that, right? No. Well, I don't know. Meaning that he beat the positive effects of it? Like, you know, they cut out most of your stomach,

and they leave you a little baby stomach. But if you eat enough, you can slowly stretch it out over time, and I think that they're suggesting that's what he's done. But, you know, milkshakes and soda and that sort of thing will also allow you to beat it. That's the way you're going to beat that surgery, is like high liquid calories, like milkshakes and sodas. There's no way you can eat enough broccoli and chicken breast to like stretch your stomach out that much

but but going back to the start if the man were capable of eating broccoli and chicken breast there'd be no need to go to mexico and have dr garcia cut him open all right uh touche yeah on that one yeah so what's the step here, do you think? Is there another more intense surgery? Boogie had a more intense one than Wingshead, right? Yeah, he got those fence posts. I'm not going to go into that. Can you go into the, what did you learn? Just that he wasn't losing weight anymore?

Yeah, I guess he said he stopped losing weight. I'm sure he'll have some kind of rebuttal where he's like, Kyle said I had stopped losing weight. That is an outright lie. I am just simply no longer losing weight. Sometimes when he calls you out on a lie, the technicality he's working is

so slim. The other day, he was like, we called him out for that thing he said where he had rebuilt more engines than I had driven cars. And he had said that. That was hyperbole. Yeah, he said that was, oh, he makes a video or he has a stream excerpt where he's like calling me a liar about what I said that had happened when he was at my house. And all of it's true, by the way.

He goes through everything I said, and he never gets to the part where his story is different than mine. He just retells my story, and he adds in extra tidbits, like the dates that incidents happened. And then he gets to the part about, well, I didn't actually rebuild more engines than Kyle's driven cars. That's hyperbole. And I'm like, wait a minute, you made a video or a stream excerpt where you're saying that I'm a liar. And in it, you at no point show the part where I lied, but you do admit to

lying yourself. Okay. Glad we got this. And then, then he was like, then he like switched the whole like topic to like kyle doesn't know anything about cars i bet he doesn't even know the firing order of a 350 chevrolet engine is that a real quote or a example of something that might be a real quote that's an absolute real quote i don't even know what that means it's from my cousin vinnie i think um i'm teasing i'm trying to think of the My Cousin Vinny quote It's something about top dead center The correct The answer involves top dead center

So it must be the timing position or something Yeah I think it's the timing belt position Or something like that First of all there's no reason to memorize the firing order Whenever that's been an issue for us You turn the crankshaft And you see the Plugs fire one by one We're usually doing that just to re-hook the spark plugs back up been an issue for us like you turn the crankshaft and you see the you see the you see the plugs fire

one by one we're usually doing that just to re-hook the spark plugs back up after we've changed spark plugs or all right you know get the wires back on the right plug and everything in the right order from the alternator to the the plugs or whatever again i don't know much about cars i know that and he's just he's just like one three eight seven, eight, seven, five, two, six. All right, good. You know one fact in the world. That's the first one. Mark that one, dude. Is driving a lot of cars akin to knowing about cars?

Are you like, I've driven the most cars? No, I've never said that or anything. I wasn't bragging about how many cars I've driven. He sort of touts himself as some sort of a vehicle expert. He can lay hands on a vehicle. He's like the car whisperer. Like a fat powder? Yeah, exactly. He's like

an enormous version of powder. That's cool. Bad bearings. This car's been into an onion patch. Just a big silly goose. just a big silly goose just a big silly goose big silly goose i am so hungry i've been eating fucking i'm so hungry too i've never been eating croutons are you serious wow that is hungry i'm hungry too. I wasn't going to say anything. I skipped breakfast and then my lunch was interrupted. HVAC guys came today.

So basically all I had was a slab of chicken and didn't get to eat like the veggies and rice that would actually fill me up. And then I went to dinner and here I am. And I'm torn. I can either go to bed, not sink in calories at midnight like a loser. Sorry. But I wish I was thinner. So if I were to go to bed, I would have like a discipline day. It would be a winner.

Or I can find some sort of snack. I don't know what that would be. Crackers and eat them and go to sleep. I don't think I have any snacks in the house. And so that will be helpful to keep me from being bad. Oh, there's trail mix down there. In my place. You and your fucking trail mix.

It's not a good one. You hear trail mix and you might think it's a healthy thing because people who are healthy eat it. No, there's NMUs and NMUs. Okay. Okay. Kyle doesn't. And Kyle's right. I think trail mix and it conjures up images of like fit hikers going down the

Appalachian Trail. But it's really just candy with peanuts and cashews mixed in. It's high energy food for people doing demanding physical activities. It's not a good weak spot. It's not a good weak spot to have. Yeah, you can sit down and like, cashews are so good, but you'll sit down with a little planter's tin of them

and eat a third of it and be like, oh, that was a good little snack. Alright, guess not. 720 calories. All fat. You're right. It'd be less calories just to eat chips. Dick was on this show, whatever, last

time he was on. He was talking about weight gain. He talked about that scene, Tim Allen in Santa Claus. Does this look like a little fat to you? And I'm like, oh. I finally got out of that He talked about that scene, Tim Allen in Santa Claus. Does this look like a little fat to you? And I'm like, oh. I finally got out of that stage. I finally got my fat ass under that stage.

Yeah. My girlfriend got really into Pilates, so I got really into Pilates again. What is Pilates? It's like you got, you know those rollers, those ab rollers, where it's like a little wheel that you roll out and then roll back? It's a very expensive machine that they charge you a lot for a woman to yell at you to use that is basically that. You get on and do different versions of those ab rollers, oblique rollers,

weird pulley things, like chick exercises that you can't do while you're smoking a cigarette in your garage. But it's very low impact. Which is great for me because I got a glass body. I got every joint, every tendon is falling apart. So it's good for me. And the weird thing is, like, doing it. Go ahead. Sorry, what?

You need some TRT. Man, yes, I do. and the weird thing is go ahead sorry what you need some TRT man yes I do that would be the shit the more I do it the less I want to eat I think I'm going to start throwing up food if I don't pump the brakes on the Pilates

how much have you lost probably about 150 pounds it feels like I can tie my shoes now without wanting to kill myself that's what i know i can put a sock on without feeling like job of the hut and then i can bend over further and tie my shoes without wanting to walk into traffic or without doing that like oh sound or if you do that thing where like you bend over to grab something and like the underwear that's like on your belly gets flipped down oh yeah because of your belly fat and then you have

to go snap it back i noticed that the first phase was taking a shit and feeling stomach on thighs and i thought no no no no no that's not good that's not that's not keno what you're doing this is not how we're going to live for the rest of our lives and then that turned into does this look like a little weight to you so i'm reversing it good for you yeah i i know all these the one that the glass body thing burned into my head because it 20 year old woody would out like, like this is like a winter training for swimming. I could work out five, maybe even six hours in a day over the course of a couple of weeks and just be bigger and stronger and a better version than I was three weeks earlier. Like that, that was

what a Christmas break was like for me in college. Now I feel like every time I work out, I'm like running down a battery, you know, like, like I only have so much of this in me. I can't max out on something because then like I break me and I have to find exercises and such that work. And I want tea. Do you guys remember the game Mech Warrior? Did anybody play that way back in the day? I don't know. Early 90s.

Anyway, you're in a giant mech suit and after every battle it would come in and show which parts of you got your suit got all fucked up and red every time i worked out now i just i see it in my mind like oh man your shoulder is in the red uh your ankles are in the red everything's yellow is this was a this was a bad idea working out today was a bad idea. Yeah. Like there are certain exercises that I really like that I don't. Dips is what's in my head.

I love dips. Dips are like one of my. I feel good about doing dips. I feel good about the way that I feel in the short term after dips. But I keep them up for a while. And now there's like six things I can't do because I need to let that part of me rest. Squatting is the exercise that I absolutely hate while I'm doing it. But after I'm done and I can move on to like bench or something fun, it's like, man, look at you, man.

Being fit, being good. But like in the moment, it's like, God, this fucking sucks. Who needs legs? I'm not going to run. I'm not going to lift anything that heavy. That kid in that chair was getting a head. Come on. I'm working way too hard for this.

He probably even had legs. High IQ maneuver. Paralyze yourself for ultimately free hand jobs. Rest of your life. I don't think he was getting it, actually. And you don't have to wipe your ass. Yeah, she could have put a mouth guard in. Come on.

She's already got a mouth guard. Dental damn head. Yeah. That's the worst. You guys want to call it a show? Yeah. Are there any post rules? Nah.

And Dick, where is all of your shit? Dick.show. Patreon.com slash The Dick Show. We're doing a Vegas show next next week i don't know anybody's in vegas but come on what are you doing tell me about that we do a live show it's like a giant party weekend uh-huh we do every couple of months we fly somewhere new in the country and do uh do a big theater show we get 200 300 guys show up and put on the most unprepared show in history uh but it's awesome what's the facility like like you get like a hotel conference room planet hollywood motherfucker 36 million

dollar multimedia top state-of-the-art show that we are going to completely underutilize you can sit there and make dick jokes yeah is it kind of just like a free form like you do like you do a show in front of them yeah it's a drunk form is what we call it oh okay yeah i do like um we got a rage bucket and i read from that and you know do my thing it's great time it's like the whole weekend guys show up wearing seven foot tall inflatable dick suits. Nice. Those are some cool dudes. That is cool.

We should talk about doing stuff like that. Maybe. And things settle down. Kyle. Or we could do them in Georgia. I don't know Like Johnny Cash Right? Or the Folesome

Or the Blues Brothers Oh I love the Blues Brothers Yes that I went to Steve Hostetter's comedy club And we had a good amount of people show up I think we could do a thing. It would be cool. Definitely.

We could definitely pull enough people. All right. Anyway, PKA 433.