Painkiller Already - Painkiller Already #444

Episode Date: June 28, 2019

On this week's PKA, we've got comedian funny man Steve Hofstetter back and he gives the 411 on Ben Gleib who is running for the presidency and how Steve will be apart of his staff should he ever get that far, then Kyle shares with everyone how his criminal sentencing went and some stories from jail, only to have the guys cap things off nicely with talking about OJ Simpson joining the world on Twitter.

Painkiller already, episode 444 With our guest Steve Hofstetter Kyle Couple of advertisements tonight Robinhood, smartmouth.com And Tudor We'll be talking about those sponsors later on the show Of course, there are links in the description if you just cannot wait

But yes, the man himself is here Steve Hofstetter What's up everybody? Not much, I heard that you Not much We got some stuff to talk about. I think we'll have a big paramotoring day. Taylor, very pumped about some sort of hockey franchise that he's a fan of.

I'm not sure. Oh, yeah. I heard there was a hockey game. Yeah. And Kyle, nothing new. Hey, well, we beat the Bruins. You should be happy about that as a New York guy. I was straight up rooting for the Blues.

First of all, Boston's fucking had enough. And if you're watching this in Boston and you take insult to that, fuck you and your Patriots and Red Sox. You've had enough. So I was rooting for the Blues, and I knew it would make you really happy.

I knew you were into it, and so I was like, oh, that'd be fun to see Taylor get one. Oh, I was so... Did you ever have good friends in in grade school and you didn't know how rich they were and then you went to their house and you saw all of the stuff they had and you thought about them and you're like man actually kind of fuck this guy like this is this isn't fair that's how other sports fans feel looking at boston where they just get all the hardware, everything lined up and shiny, and you're like, oh, I could deal with one shiny thing. I get the idea, but no, I did not have rich friends growing up.

You remember that scene from Sopranos? But I get the concept. I'm like, I know what rich people are, and I would. I babysat for a family once, and the guy was a doctor. Oh, really? And yeah, it was pretty like all their all their kitchen cabinets matched each other and i was like this is this is impressive stuff here like yeah there was no no paint was peeling from anything i was like i had the opposite experience

once i we were um we were going on a ski trip which involved like an eight hour bus drive and stuff so anyway i went to my friend's house and i was sort of getting him in the morning and i didn't we weren't that close you know but he was close enough to go skiing with us and i went in his house to get him and the adult me realizes they were probably remodeling or something but i went to their house and they were like exposed studs holes in the wall you wouldn't want to walk on their floors without shoes. And I was just like, oh my God. Yeah, Woody, they were literally going on a ski trip. These weren't poor people.

I love how first world this is. You wouldn't believe this one poor friend I had. I went to his house. They were mid-remodel. They didn't even go to their second home. So I was probably 14. They weren't going on a ski trip. They sent their one son on a $9.35 bus ride.

This isn't like the ski vacation at the chalet that you're thinking of. You were also on that bus ride. Oh, I paid myself. Jesus Christ. I had a job, Kyle. Of course you did. Yeah. Of course you did. jesus christ yeah i had a job yeah take a nine-hour bus ride on your own dime your dad may as well hurry back at you as you were

driving away i had a very similar thing like yeah me and my friend uh were going on a trip walking somewhere because that's all we could afford. Then I went to his house and they were remodeling in that a car had crashed into the side of their house and they were forced to remodel. We had very similar lives. No, I'm just making fun of your story.

That's fucking ridiculous. I still don't know. You guys are... You're so poor. I'm still not sure they're remodeling. There's no granite countertops. Oh, fuck off. Is this for Micah?

I want to go back and view it with my adult eyes and see what the scoop is because I have a feeling that they didn't finish the remodeling and this was almost a permanent state. Honey, look. That tile's not even imported. That is actually a thing, though, like there are so many things you remember as a kid that if you saw as an adult i bet would completely change like where you understand you understand context a whole lot more than you used to like the just the idea of like i i had a i had a buddy grown up and his mother's friend always came over and like now i know oh that guy was fucking his mom yeah but like as a

kid i was like oh she has such a good friend that she has over all the time this is so nice they're always so sweaty yeah they come over and work out i remember do you ever like remember seeing inappropriate things that your eyes didn't register as inappropriate because i remember in like middle school like some bible camp or some shit and it was it was like a bootleg bible camp it sucked fucking sucked hated going there they just only had one of the testaments yeah only one and it would be like like there's this one like teacher who wasn't even like really a teacher he's kind of like walk around and talk to you like one-on-one and he would he'd go around and i would always notice

like man he must be a lot more concerned with the the girl's faith than he is with the boy's faith at this camp because he's spending a lot of time like shoulder touching and getting close whispering things about god to him i assume well well that's odd and then like five years ago, I'm like, oh, fuck. That was not appropriate at all to be given shoulder massages to 12-year-olds, you know, as some other like also a clearly oblivious adults are singing about Jesus. That man's name? Joe Biden. Here we have future vice president. Taylor, I have a question for you because I went to a few Bible camps too and stuff.

Did the leaders of your thing, whatever they were called, I don't know if they're priests or ministers, did they make an over-the-top effort to be cool and to relate in a really failing way? The ones that all the kids thought were the coolest did not do that. Like they would get out there it'd be like oh because there was like one camp i went to and it was like every it felt like every five hours like once in the morning and once in the afternoon prime play time you'd have to go in there and they just soak up time singing about jesus and you're just like god i just want to play frisbee or basketball or go play racquetball or something and it was always the guys like i'd be like oh thank god like pastor fucking mike is coming up he'd be like all right jesus said this this is why he said it this is

why you should care boom bada bing bada boom get out there and have fun kids and then you'd have other ones would be like oh fuck pastor adams coming up and he'd be like what's up cool cats here we're here to talk about the lord and it was in that time period where I was like maybe 11 years old. And so NSYNC was really popular. He had his like spiked, bleached tips and everything. Got his like open shirt wearing his board shorts. And even at 11, I'm like, this is fucking lame. Like you're trying to make God too cool.

We know it's not cool. We're just here because we're scared dude i've been i've been made fun of for being jewish on this podcast a lot and i'm feeling pretty happy about it right now we had got this guy didn't have spiked hips or anything but he could play the guitar and he could sing and he would start off with like hip songs at the time and he had talent right i'm not saying he was great but it's like he can really play and he can really sing and he can really do them at the same time so he'd kick off into your like favorite top 40 song of the moment and you'd be like you know what this bible camp stuff it's not that bad and then he'd start making up his own lyrics all about god of

course all about treating each other well and he'd just start riff up his own lyrics all about god of course all about treating each other well and he'd just start riffing making up lyrics on the fly and it's like no no you're ruining it i like this song straight up now tell me do you want to have god to be with you forever that's not bad yeah i'm imagining that's about the time. Yeah, you're doing good. It was lean on me, if you remember. When a cat comes in. When I first realized one of those pastors was not cool, it was also one of the first times I dropped a nice curse in front of an adult

because I was feeling confident. The story was it was post-pastorship, and I'm maybe 12 or whatever. I don't remember my exact age. And we're outside of the little worship area where we would eat. There's a giant field where you can play, and then there was a multipurpose kind of building that had racquetball and stuff that was probably three-quarters of a mile away. And so all the counselors or the pastors hop in their golf cart. And then I got out of there quick because I didn't want to hear about God anymore. And so I was trying to run because it was a thing that the kids would try and run and jump on the cart and then hitch a ride all the way there.

Because then, bada bing, bada boom, I got racquetball rights. All you fuckers are in line. I'm up first, just like all the things I was learning about. Me, me me me you know and then i remember i was really close and i was like a young kid and so i thought you're you're you're genuinely speedier than a golf cart you're gonna catch it and i got up to like you know here's the post and just like i barely missed it and then he like slowed down again to tease me and this was like the cool backwards hat wearing

open hawaiian shirt just previously like haha you know me boys and girls i'm all about i'm all about cool stuff but also i know when it's time to get serious about god and he was that guy he like put himself out there as this cool motherfucker and i got really close and he drove and he started and then he just gunned it started speeding away and i was like oh kiss my ass and i thought it was funny and uh but he like stopped the golf cart and was like whoa what's your name again i was like taylor he's like first mistake we like to have we like to have fun here but that's not cool you know definitely we can't be using language like that what do you think the lord and they like went into this really dumb spiel about it and it's like i don't even want to play

racquetball anymore like i now now the other kids are passing me on the way there because you've stopped and you're holding me hostage talking about the word ass and so i i hated which is also in the bible yeah it's in the bible i said eat my uh a 12 year old yeah luke uh 24 7 right is that yeah and the lord spank unto them eat my ass if you are can we go back to something that woody said for a second because the idea of no no it's the idea of someone who can sing kind of holding people hostage to their music there is there's very little in the world that bothers me more like i had a i had a tour guide i went on this food tour in seattle because it was like oh you get to go to pike place market you get to try all the different stands i I was like, oh, that sounds fun. And she was this out-of-work actress who

sang at us. She stopped at one of the stands and started singing. And I was like, this isn't what I signed up. Give me a free sandwich. Fuck off. I don't want to hear you sing. And I had a pilot do that once

who was singing on the fucking intercom to the people on the plane. Like we're a captive audience. And that sucks. I hate that. Oh, it's so rude. You know what else? Like maybe you guys haven't experienced this, but jokes from homeless people. Have you ever had to deal with that?

No. They're selling you the joke. And so like when I live in the city. Well, Taylor lives in St. Louis in the city yeah i'm not in the city anymore so i don't have this problem but there's a ton of homeless there and it's also a weird thing in st louis where like you have to tell a joke to every house on halloween to get your candy what the fuck is wrong i know i thought that was a thing everywhere sliced bread and we would threaten them. We would say, trick or treat. Meaning, give us a treat or we will play a trick on you.

Most people were cool about it, where you'd be like, trick or treat, and they'd be like, ah, here you go, kids. But then one in every five houses, you'd get some fucking stickler boomer who's like, no candy till you tell a joke. And you're like, that's the worst thing. Well, what's the worst thing.

What's black and white and red all over? You on your kitchen floor with a knife in your chest if you don't give me a fucking sticker right now. You're like, wow, this joke's kind of dark. Where's the black come from? The homeless, I don't know. He was wearing a black shirt. What's red and dead and blood all over

yeah okay and so like like it would happen all the time like downtown or not all the time probably over the couple years i was there like five times where a homeless guy you know usually they're just asking for something and you tell them no and they'll kind of fuck off but every once in a while you'd like be standing with friends outside of a bar and they'd come up and they'd be like hey can i get like five dollars i'll tell you a joke and then before come up and they'd be like, Hey, can I get like $5? I'll tell you a joke. And then before you can say anything, they launch into like, what's you, you pray. It's a quick joke. You pray it's quick. But then other times, like I remember once specifically, I was walking home and it was, it was really late. And so there weren't a ton of people on the street and a homeless guy came up and was started to like, ask me for money and said, here, I'll tell you a joke.

You know, you got $5? And I was like, he kind of stopped me, so I had to stop. And he started telling like a Norm MacDonald 10-minute style joke. Literally, like my thought process after we got into like 30 seconds in, it was going nowhere. This guy's cracked out. None of this joke makes sense. And he's just ranting about things there's no punchline there's and i just i like keep looking around because i'm like i'm gonna get fucking mugged by this guy's buddy like that's what he's

doing he's distracting me so someone can can come steal from me and no it turns out he's even crazier than that he just wanted to tell a seven minute long joke with no punchline no punchline and i was close enough to home that like i over walked where i lived by a block and then like turned around to see where he was see if he was like scoping out where i was going and then went back and went in my apartment wait wait i need to know one is it really five dollars it was some amount he probably just asked for money i was just thinking even if it is even if it is five like if it's five dollars one thing that depresses me as a comedian is that like when i think about the time it takes to tell a joke and do the math on that i think these homeless guys

are making more per joke than i am absolutely they're not real laughs they're fear laughs you mean mine? No. Oh, okay. Knock, knock. But yeah, I do not miss being around so many homeless people. Dollar amounts are warped in my head now. I don't get it. I've lived too long and I've seen too many dollars. $5 for me is what used to represent two hours of work. Now, people act like $5 isn't a lot of money but it still is between my ears

and that's what happens when you grow so uh i actually but no i really i thought i've thought about that recently the idea of like i understand how old people are like well the bus used to cost a nickel because to me the first year of my life that i could actually buy a slice of pizza the pizza place by me it was like a dollar 10 and they went up to like a dollar 15 and look this gradually happened over the years so you don't really notice it and suddenly i'm like what do you mean a piece of pizza is four dollars that's fucking insane pizza costs a dollar and so and it's very easy to do that as you grow up i remember when canned drinks were a fucking quarter like when and then they just doubled yeah they just fucking doubled and it was like it happened while i was in like the sixth grade and it was like holy shit soda just got twice as expensive

as it once was and it's pretty much the only thing i purchased as a young man when soda hit a dollar i thought there was a gotcha in there i'm'm like, no way they're going to ask for $2 bills. This is the maximum price a soda will be in my lifetime. Yeah. There's a 14-year-old Woody standing there. It's got it all figured out. Exactly. Now you're swiping your goddamn debit card in a Coca-Cola machine.

Yeah. Overdrafted on a slice. Now it's a $39. Is it raw? No, it's not raw. It's a different one. If you want a cheap slice now, there's only one place to go. Costco. $1.50.

You get a big-ass slice of pizza and a drink. That's not pizza, though. Come on. That's not pizza. It's pretty good. You better be able to speak clearly, though, while you're there. is might end up in a world of trouble i don't understand nobody gets this reference no help me the speech impaired man that was gunned down in in sacramento the other day at costco oh what do you do it's kind of a sad story now now you know to the left what did he do i see you're carrying samples outside of the premises.

What he did was die. So I guess he wasn't able to follow police instructions. Is that the scoop? Yeah, I think that's what happened. I really didn't look too deep into it. I just thought it was funny. What was he doing there to make him pissed off? I don't know. I think he was mentally impaired in some way and uh not able

to explain himself clearly and uh and then he was gunned down sucks yeah and at costco of all places there was a drunk guy who may have had an airsoft gun or airsoft yeah i think an airsoft gun in his room earlier in the night and the cops made him play this like ridiculous game of simon says for his life like hands up crawl crawl hands up crawl he doesn't know what to do he's crawling on all fours he's putting his hands up i guess they wanted them to kneel walk or something and they shot him for it such a piece of shit such a piece of shit crab walk slide to the left ha ha ha

ha ha real smooth this is humiliating that would actually be better because people are more likely to know those moves you're right cops should totally make people electric slide ha ha ha if they've ever been to like a lame party and then they would it would be like a reverse

sobriety test would be like yeah this guy's killing it on the electric slide at 2 30 in the morning book them yeah he's good at it hasn't missed a step you know okay so here's what happened you know they got those like free food or free sample lines at costco okay yeah big fan of that well this guy died for samples yeah he was apparently very hyped for i don't know some fucking nachos or something and he was in line for them and he pushed the police officer who was also in line this is the mentally impaired gentleman and the police officer drew his gun. As you do.

And the kid's father tried to intervene and so the cop shot him too. Oh my god. There aren't enough pig in a blanket on that tray for the two of us. Oh, here's a new pig. What's the status on the

I assume off-duty cop right now? There's a civil rights attorney involved now. There's no criminal attorney involved. Seems like there should be. Seems like he should be facing murder charges. Cops can get away with so much shit. That's the craziest shit, though. And by the way, like you say California like that,

California is known for being too progressive, which would mean they would prosecute the cop not the other way around not in la oh well you know yeah in la i mean la cops do whatever the fuck they want i actually had a situation where i was uh i had a bunch of online like actual credible death threats and so i talked to a friend of mine who's a prosecutor and she's like a federal prosecutor and i was like who do i talk to about this and she goes well you can go to your local police or you can go to the fbi and i was like i live in los angeles i'm gonna call the fbi like there was no hesitation at all i was like no fucking way am i calling the lapd i had no you're getting patched through to like the loser of the FBI where they're like

what's this regarding? Terrorism? No. Active shooting? Child porn ring? No. A lot of mean DMs. You go to that guy. I actually purposefully reached out to that guy. I figured it out. So I called. I was up in Oregon when this happened

and so my friend was like if you contact the FBI in, they're not going to do shit. So contact the local one where you are. Because, you know, Portland, they're probably a little bit more bored. And so I called the one in Portland. And they were like, kind of interested, not sure. And they were like, okay, well, you know, you can come in. I was like, well, I'm actually in Salem right now.

They're like, oh, we have a bureau in Salem. You should call them. So I called Salem. And when they picked up, they were like, ooh, crime'm actually in Salem right now. They're like, oh, we have a bureau in Salem. You should call them. So I called Salem. And when they picked up, they were like, ooh, crime. Like they were so excited. I was like nothing had happened there. I went to the police once about – so here's the story. The guy that lived under me, I just sort of moved out on my own.

It was my first apartment. And it was a low-income housing apartment. And what that means is that if you qualify, you get help with your rent. I didn't qualify. I made $14,000 a year. I mean, my kind of money. They didn't help me. Yeah, but this was when soda cost a quarter.

Yeah, right, right. So the guy that lived underneath me was awful. He was a drug dealer, and he beat his wife quite a bit. And you would hear her screaming and stuff like that. Did she deserve it? Like, what'd she what she do probably no i she seemed really nice kyle you're on probation hey he seemed like a real dirtball i'm anti this guy and he would also play his music loud and you have to understand now i'm anti him too i'm on board but i It sounds like a minor offense, but it was like super crazy loud, doors open, parties going on, like almost like a dare to come do something about it. Woody, that's not a minor offense.

A neighbor playing their music loud to me is one of the worst things of the story already. Like I really – I was kidding around, but also I'm on board. Right. board right but like i'm trying to differentiate between like played his tv loud where maybe you hear it and yeah playing a concert for the neighborhood you know which is what he was and uh you know once i would come down there and knock on his door if i heard him beating his wife she'd be screaming for help and uh jesus christ yeah and and um and or if he even played his music loud i would but then other times I was pretty intimidated. Cause when he,

I thought one on one, I was pretty fit at the time. I was probably like 22 or something. And young Woody was fit. I liked my chances, but other times he'd roll like five deep and I didn't. And he'd be outside threatening my car and shit. Like how he was going to smash it and stuff like that.

Yeah. Wait, wait, wait. Can I, can I, cool guys. threatening my car and shit, like how he was going to smash it and stuff like that. Yeah. Wait, can I, can I, cool guys. Can I please picture this as the guy threatening your car while you weren't around?

No. I'm not knowing what to do. I'm like, there's five of them down there. Let that kind of thing. Like, you know, I'll smash your taillights.

I'll smash your headlights. Come out here. I'll smash your hood. I'll do this do this and i'm like i probably shouldn't go out there you know because there's a lot of them right i don't like my odds at all and um also i like that he needed you to be out there for him to destroy your car like he could have destroyed your car right anyway i wanted him to watch i had a roommate too who was who was all he likes when they watch he was at least my equal so when he was around i felt even better still but uh he he had a girlfriend and a kid and stuff and stayed not with me a lot anyway so i went to the police about it and i'm like i got this guy he's threatening me because i thought i was doing the right thing you know instead of just like

wrestling them in the parking lot that's how i I handle problems now. And the police were like, they were like, what is it? Is he a big guy? Is he bigger than you? And I'm like, no, I think I got him. I think I got him, but I feel like I shouldn't. And they're like, maybe you should. You know, right?

Like they made me feel emasculated for coming to the police for help and i'm like he beats his wife all the time i hear her down there screaming for help boys get a load of this fairy yeah it was it was like one step away from that and in the end like they didn't take a report they didn't do anything. They said that I guess maybe they offered to come if I called them in the act. If he's outside threatening your car, give us a call again or something along those lines.

Jesus Christ. But he was evicted shortly. Actually, I don't think he was evicted. I think the police pulled him out because he sold drugs to kids. His customers were all under 12. What a terrible person. That's the cool guy of the week, Taylor. You could also lead with that part.

I did. I said he sold drugs to kids. You said he sold drugs to 10-year-olds. Oh, they were so young. He does it after his dog fucks. And by the way, I'm like 20 at the time. Yeah, he was really bad. That was my first apartment.

I came home once and like I'm walking up to my place and I see a couple of cops on the street. And they're like pointing a giant gun at my place and laughing. And I was like, what the fuck is this? This is a big rifle? Like a big, it like. Artillery is this a big rifle like a big it like artillery yeah it looked like a mickey mouse handgun that weighs 35 pounds it looked like a cross between like a shotgun and a rifle it was a i hadn't seen something like that before okay and so uh like i just walked up i go but they're laughing and they're

like pointing it and like pointing it away and pointing it back up. So I'm like, there's not a situation going on. So I go, excuse me, guys, but what? Like what's happening right now? Like I live there. And they go, oh, oh. And they're like, they're laughing about it. And they're like, yeah, there was some call a couple blocks down.

And, you know, they thought they saw some guy with a gun. And it was a movie set. And, yeah, it turned out to be nothing and i go oh okay uh so how does that relate to you aiming a gun at my place right now like i don't see the you want to you want to not skip those dots because they're not connected right now and uh and they were like oh well you know i had a we had to disarm the weapon you know because we had we had armed it, and we had a, I was like, you had to walk a couple of blocks to disarm, with an armed weapon,

after you knew a situation wasn't going, like, and I said, I was like, And it's armed again! Why don't we talk about what you're doing here? Don't like it? Call the cops! Yeah, exactly! And that's what they pretty much said, they were like, we're the police, we know what we're doing, and I'm like, you're the LAPD, no you don't. So I, I, uh, I was like, what the fuck is this? And I was like, all right, maybe I'm overreacting. I don't know. Cause I'm like my dog's home. Like what the fuck if, if it goes off, if it's something, you know?

And here's the situation. Am I in the wrong? And he goes, no, the first thing we're taught when we're given our firearms, even before we're given them, is never aim it at something you don't intend to shoot. Yeah. Like that's the first rule. So I called. I was like, okay, I'm going to call the local precinct. I'm now armed with information.

And so I'm like, I'm going to call the local precinct. Wait a minute. Let me understand this correctly. I was like the Bible camp counselor. You decided to rat out. You're backwards, head away. So you've now decided to rat out a member of the LAPD. I did not really think it through. You're correct.

To the other LAPD. This will work out. Steve is edging towards school guy of the week. Hi, is this the LAPD? I really thought my guy had it locked up. I was really hoping that I get someone someone being like oh those dumb rookies let me talk to them you know like that kind of thing but no so I

basically the guy answered and he pretty much gave me it was a very similar response to like when the TSA fucks up if you ask for a supervisor like it's a very similar response where they're like this is a very hard job okay you don't know how hard this job is like that's pretty much what they said to me Detective Mark Furman here how can I help you mr hopstick yeah it was it was uh it was utterly ridiculous

and i'm like oh so i just gotta live with the fact that the cops think it's okay to just aim their guns and fight at me and find it hilarious no the gun they aimed it wasn't the fake movie gun was it because you mentioned no no no it was like it was like this tactical assault fucking thing like okay look i don't know a lot about guns you've known that ever since you started talking to me uh but this was something where like this was some the reason they were so excited about it was some sort of new thing like some new toy that they had just gotten i thought that maybe because you didn't recognize that it was a movie gun you know something like like a star wars gun no no no no this this thing was like it seemed like a very advanced it was like a shotgun with a scope is what it looked like uh it was it was fairly impressive looking yeah fairly impressive

looking uh well uh next topic but i didn't get beaten. So that was good. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, you said you wanted to ask me about something. Oh yeah. So another friend, then Glebe Glyde is Glebe, uh, Glebe trying to run for president. And I know that you are a big part in getting him the requisite 65,000 donations. How close are you now? And if he makes it, he has my vote has my vote so uh so he didn't make the 65 in time for the first debate so now he's going for the second which i think is 70 um but then but they actually have started changing the requirements because that's of course what they're

going to do uh in order to keep it the candidates that they want two percent polling is that the second debates requirement yeah so originally it was one percent polling and now they made it up to two percent polling and by the way they're the ones who decide who they ask like who they put on the ballot for polling ah so your friend is a write-in candidate hoping to get two percent of people to that's a hard well i mean he's getting he's getting more press than he was at first but it was amazing because so many people it was crazy the the response from the press was basically like look we only talk to serious candidates so hold on while i go interview our president that is the former host of the apprentice like that's it's it it is ridiculous or they're like hold on only

serious candidates let me go interview the mayor of myanmar or miramar florida who's one of the candidates or let me go interview marion williamson you know a spiritual healer just serious candidates only it was uh it's just because it's because he's a comedian and they don't take him seriously which is ridiculous because the the fucking leader of the Ukraine is a comedian. Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. I mean, I think the funniest outcome is just allow as many people at the debates as possible.

I want to see the intro, like the Fox CNN debate, where they are zooming out slowly from the middle guy, which is probably Biden, and you get to seven people wide. Still going. You get to 14 people wide. And you've just got so much that everybody just gets like one sentence throughout like on the end of it you got fringe

mayors or like a fucking anderson cooper walkers anderson you're on the wrong stage no no i'm running i'm running fuck it the funniest outcome is supposed to be moderated benton gleib is that his name glebe glebe makes it to the end and we straight up get 1v1 Democrat versus Republican, apprentice host versus comedian. That's where this nation should be. I just love the idea of having a comedian on the debate stage. Like, look, I'm not stupid. I don't think he has a real shot of winning. You know, I think it's a huge long shot.

Now, long shots can happen, but at the same time, how much would it change the conversation to have someone who doesn't give a fuck about their future political career on the stage to talk shit to people? That is what is inspiring me. I would love to get Bill Burr or somebody up there, just in that horrible, annoying Boston accent, screaming at people.

So what are you guys even doing? What are you doing here? somebody up there just in that horrible annoying Boston accent screaming at people what are you guys even doing what are you doing here you flew a fucking you took a yacht here and you're getting rid of my straws are you shitting me I mean Jesus fuck people are you people out there looking at this the same way I am

that's a little bit like a little bit Bernie Sanders I feel yeah but then they just have someone being like, Mr. Burr, we are live. He's like, yeah, I know we're fucking live! I know! Do you have any fucking Twitter followers I'm getting right now? I got it up on Twitter.

This is fucking bullshit! That's a really good Burr. That would be so fucking funny. But that's a really good that's a really good burr that would be so fucking funny yeah but that's the uh that's the idea like to be able to not be scared of because look we're past we're obviously beyond the whole like respect the office and uh and that bullshit it's it's kind of it's kind of disappeared the last couple of years so to have uh to have glee be able to actually confront people to their face about the dumb shit that they're saying would be awesome does he have funny policy positions that he's put out there i mean he has real policy but he has funny explanations for them

like uh yeah like he he has one where he talks about uh automation and like his i think the title of it is something like don't let the like don't let the robots win and so like actually addressing it in kind of a funny way about and you know the actual policy is about uh job training and making sure people and making sure people actually do have jobs in a world of automation and how not to just turn everything over to the robots uh so it is a it is an actual good policy but at the the same time, it's funny to talk about robots invading. He should do other shit, like North Korea-style shit,

where he has a page of approved hairstyles. That's a good bit. Just come out. It's just whatever he's rocking. Like murdering your opponents. That kind of shit. Yeah. The robot thing is interesting to me because like yeah it's it's been a political issue this

year people don't know uh yang talks about it probably more than anyone else the universal basic income and basically the idea is a lot of people are going to be displaced by robots and driving is the most obvious one something like 40 40% of American jobs are basically driving, which is a lot of jobs. I think some of that is flying. Some of that's semis, which everyone thinks of as forklifts, et cetera. And I'm like, I think what's actually going to happen is it's not that those people will be unemployed,

will always want more. It's that they are going to be the servants of the people that own the robots. That's their next job. Learn to code doesn't work. they can't actually be engineers you know no one thinks that who's serious about it but people that own the robots can get more and more servants and gardeners and landscapers and cooks and that's what happens but there's also any time but think about it this way okay so you get an automated fleet of trucks you got an automated fleet of forklifts. You've got an automated, you know, Uber has self-driving cars, et cetera. Roger that.

By the way, if Uber goes to self-driving cars, that would put a lot of comedians out of work. So if you have all that, you go, okay, well, now suddenly we need more mechanics. You know, now suddenly we need more people who work at gas stations. Now we need more. Like there are gas stations. Now we need more, like there are other jobs that are created by getting rid of those jobs. And so I'm not for holding back technology at all. I'm for focusing on, okay, what's the next step after this technology comes? Where will we need people? And that's what people need to train for right now. I think if we like over the course of like a year or something

transitioned all of that to robots it would start like literal civil war level riots like you'd have tens of millions of men who can't support their families anymore many of them so old that they and they can't afford to go to school for things because they just lost their job and they couldn't afford prior that's why they're driving a truck like you'd have real deal riots like way worse than what vancouver did after they lost the cup eight years ago real deal riots i think hey people got fucked at that riot people got laid at that right i like that yeah that was like that's a that's a much friendlier riot oh is that the one where there's that picture of them like kissing in the street yeah kissing in the street they were a little more than kissing they barely knew each other i don't think they am i wrong maybe i'm wrong they were like half naked

lying on top of each other i don't know if they were actually fucking but they looked pretty are you thinking of the sailor after world war ii actually no different one but it was like more comparable to that it seemed kind of sweet i don't remember it being like that. I think there was like a procession of photos of it getting more and more sexual. And the one they ran with in the media, obviously, is the sweet Vancouver's burning because they just lost. And they're like,

well, I'd say there's always next year. You know what else is burning? My loins are burning, baby. My pee hole from my UTI. That's burning too. I found the picture. I'm about to show it to everybody.

Yeah. But yeah, I think you'd have like real deal riots if you tried to replace that many jobs. Like people would not stand. Whole communities would be destroyed instantly. Well, one of the things that I've said before and I will stick to is that it is in the it is in the one percent's best interest to not make the income gap huge do they do that though i've never seen them think that far ahead no no what what i'm saying is it is in their best interest i'm not saying they do that i'm saying that they act they act in short-term interest which is money money i

want all the money i want all the money my boat doesn't have a boat yet like that kind of thing and then no offense paramotor but the like the uh the idea of creating a lower class with nothing to lose that's some dangerous shit like that is what you'd create dangerous shit yeah and so if you taylor i absolutely agree with you if suddenly you knock out even if it's 10 of the workforce workforce, if that happens within a year, that's a riot right there. That could be the end of the country. That's what actually happens, though. My prediction, like I know the future. Most truck drivers are over 50, so they'll get phased out as they retire.

It only takes 16 years, and they're all retirement age. Or 15 years. I don't know where I got 16. Between 50 and 65, they'll all kind of just leave the workforce and they'll get backfilled with robots. Who's refueling these semi-trucks? More other robots.

It's a great question, Kyle. I think that the way that it starts is the robot handles the highway portion and then the driver does last mile. But that saves a tremendous amount of labor because he can just do truck after truck after truck last mile. Fill it up, take it to the warehouse, get it back to the highway, send it on its way. And by the way, do you know about the woman who got killed by an automated like, a car, an automated car hit a woman? Oh, I heard about that.

So this was the thing, though, that, like, if you actually look into the story, this set automated cars back so far because people were like, look, they're killing them. But what really happened is this woman threw herself in front of this car. Really? Yeah, and they analyzed it, and they were like, no human driver could have possibly have stopped in time. And you know what happened? The automated car did not freak out and then go hit someone else.

That's what they do against the gun industry, right? Look, that gun! The guy killed, suicides. Look, the gun just killed him! They do. That's the only qualm that people have with guns is suicide all that stats in with the murders they lump it right in

gun violence the automated hey you're on probation Kyle the automated you're on probation with me are you sure you're going to be threatening a man like me at this point I'd rather be under federal probation than on Kyle probation. Kyle and I are designing tats right now. Yeah, on Kyle probation.

A lot to lose. Yeah. I don't even know what it is. But, yeah, but the idea of, like, if, let's say someone jumped in front of your car and committed suicide, used you to commit suicide. and committed suicide used you to commit suicide like do you think you would have the presence of mind to break safely so that no so that you also wouldn't cause a huge car pileup uh i would not i don't know five times out of ten sometimes i hit people sometimes i hit cars i don't know yeah it's that human factor i had a car accident once where the woman in front of me stopped short and it was my fault for i was driving too close to her you know i i

will admit fault for tapping her bumper because it was one of those moments you hit the brake and you go stop stop stop stop fuck and i tapped her bumper she slams on the gas and hits the car in front of her like just creams the car in front of her. Like just creams the car in front of her. Nice. And to the point where like I had virtually no damage on my car. It was, by the way, I was so upset. This is a true story. I was so upset.

She got out of the car and she was an Asian woman. And as someone who is very progressive and tries to rail against stereotype, I was like, why the fuck would you? Did you have to like yeah it's one of the like if i were if i were an asian woman i would be the best driver ever just to fuck with people's heads like i would drive a tow truck service around fixing people's flats just to be like bullshit's over you know i think they're doing their best what a kind way to say that so uh but in but in that also is uh california which is the person the back of any accident

is responsible for the entire accident oh and so her despite the fact that she was completely stopped when i hit her her jamming on the gas legally was my fault that's better than north carolina in north carolina whoever does the hitting is in trouble so if you guys remember pka dan his wife got hit in the back by another car she's in a car i'm not telling this right but she her car was hit so hard that it hit the car in front of her and they were like she was parked she was at a stop in traffic she got rammed and the ramming driver was responsible for hers and then she was responsible for hitting the car in front of her even though she wasn't even moving until she got hit that's i think that's crazy because that's clearly not a separate accident but i had uh i had one in the first

accident i ever got into i so i'd only been driving for a little bit. And I was going through northern Kentucky. And it's a rainy day. I'm coming around a blind curve on the interstate. And there's a fucking cop parked halfway, like with the ass of his car, in the fast lane. Like, the fuck are you doing? And so no flares, no warning, nothing. And so I jam on my brake.

I try to swerve around him. I spin out, you know, end up in the embankment. And apparently it had happened to a couple other cars that day. He was there because another car had done that before. And yet he didn't use signal flares or anything. And I talked to, when I'm talking to the police about the whole accident, I was like, Hey, this can't, how the fuck is what he did legal? Like he's parked in the interstate. Like, how is that legal?

And, uh, they told me a story where the way it works, you know, it's again, it's a similar, it's one party. So whoever's at the back of the accident where there was an off-duty cop who was coming up a Hill and there was a drunk driver parked asleep in her car across both lanes like teed across both lanes he jams on his brake barely hits her and he's responsible for the accident even though she is literally a drunk driver parked she's a drunk parker all right she had to get there somehow uh no maybe she was sober when she parked there could have been drunk once she parked yeah she started drinking uh yeah and it was uh and illegally it was his fault i wonder what the logic is behind you know how if you're

sitting in your car in a parking lot and your car is turned on it's drunk driving yeah yes i have often not that this i don't drink much but like if i were to get too drunk at a bar i might go to my car turn on the heat and go to sleep like that would be to me a viable way to deal with the situation why is that you gotta be in the passenger seat i can't believe i never thought about this because people use it as a loophole yeah a good buddy of mine this was years ago he told me about it like he he was wasted driving and he was telling us about this this later he was in college and he's like yeah i was coming back from this this club i was wasted i should not have been driving and i'm like i need snacks and so i stop

off at a gas station and then as soon as i'm walking in, a cop pulls up, gets out, and he follows me in there. Not following me, but he comes in as well. And I am taking more time than I ever have in a quick trip to pick out snacks. Like five minutes goes by. I haven't picked out a snack. Ten minutes goes by. I'm just hoping the cop leaves. Eventually it gets awkward enough that, you know, I pick up my Gatorade and my, and I bought three or four snacks cause I'd been accumulating them in my arms.

So he went up and he's like, yeah, I bought like five snacks, a big old Gatorade. And I was, I was, you know, the cop was still there. He's making me nervous. And I think he was on to me. And so I went out, got in my car, didn't turn it on. And he came out, got in my car didn't turn it on and he came out got in his car turned it on and then we had a weight off because he wanted me to pull out so that he could get me and i said fuck that and so i spent the next 50 minutes eating all of my snacks in my off-parked car. Did you say 55-0? Like 50 minutes. Okay. That's how long he said he spent there. Just sitting there and I just kept looking over

the cop's still there. Alright, well I got one more thing of Doritos. I'll eat this. I'm running out of Gatorade. No, I can't get out and go back inside for snacks. That's really suspicious. He said eventually the cop just got impatient and left. And he, uh, he made it out. This is the same guy I know who went to a strip club and said he spent

$600 there. And the next day he woke up and was like, oh, that was crazy last night. What happened? He's like, I'm out $600. That's like all the money I have available to me right now. And I spent all of it at a strip club. And so I called my bank and told them that someone had stolen my debit card and somehow knew my PIN. And they refunded me the money. And I was like, you realize this is like a lot of crimes you're telling me. Like this isn't a ha ha situation it's like

you effectively just stole $600 from people and then my girlfriend up and got pregnant and I was like I don't want a kid or a girlfriend anymore so one thing led to another are there cameras all over strip clubs

I've been to one strip club in my life and i didn't see any cameras but there are cameras at atms so that's a pretty oh there are a lot of not those little ones i had a business partner i mean most of them most of them have a camera built in like i had a i had a business partner who uh he relapsed and like he was a former drug addict and he had been clean for a long time and he relapsed, went on some bender and took a bunch of money out of the business account. And like all of us that were partners were like, hey, man, you just got to we know what happened. You know, like you you took a bunch of money out over the course of three days in $200 increments like several times a day like we know what happened and he was like yeah someone took my

debit card and you have it back now so if we call the bank and we tell them that to roll back that footage what is it that we're going to see and like he refused to admit it and we're just like you're not going to get it like you didn't go in there with a fucking ski mask you weren't on like a crack bed and you're just like it's there's you're not gonna get it like you didn't go in there with a fucking ski mask like you weren't you weren't on like what else could it have been like what else

would he do that would take multiple 200 with you could he just be addicted to jet ski rentals maybe yeah no the parking in new york is really expensive what are you here for oh no i No, I'm addicted to crack. Definitely not renting jet skis. I had a... There was a guy speaking of embarrassing real things. So the death threat stuff that I was talking about. So one of the...

I mean, it was neo-Nazi shit. And so one of the guys who sent something to me, he sent it via his facebook and it was like a very like i'm gonna murder all jewish people message it was like a very i'm starting with you pretty much pretty much i mean he sent it to me i don't think he was just like but you're safe you know like i think he was like but i saw this one clip of you man you were so funny you're yeah yeah i was gonna get you but the way you deal with hecklers man yeah man i don't want i don't want to be on your youtube man

so uh so i went to look at his profile because i was like all right this motherfucker i could figure out who this guy is this is facebook profile and so i found like i found out his name and the small town he was from and so like I looked him up and he's a fucking child rapist. Like the dude literally had served 20 years for child rape and had been like released a year ago. And now he's. And so like, I think if I told everyone in his town,

he was a Nazi. He'd be like, yeah, that's way better. Like they all think they all call me a child. He's like, honestly, I'm still pretty low on the totem pole, but I've taken a step up. be like yeah that's way better like they all think they all call me the child before prison i'm still pretty low on the totem pole but i've taken a step up

yeah pretty much this is i i mean he he very well could have uh converted in prison yeah as it uh as it were and by the way for anyone listening and doing the whole shit like oh people throw the word nazi route like no straight up like swastika heil hitler nazi shit arian thing like i feel like arian brother almost have to do that in prison to get along i mean i watch that's a myth like i think that that prison guy that you've talked about what he does the youtube channel i think he even or someone did where they're like yeah that shit about having to join a gang right away, don't believe that.

Don't jump into a gang life, because once you're in, you can't leave. They don't want everyone. That's the other thing. You're like, I guess it's just like, you know, in school when we'd pick teams for dodgeball, I mean, everybody gets picked eventually. What if it's like a fraternity and you just don't get a bid from your favorite gang?

Well, it's over. The Aryan Brotherhood turned down my pledge. The Limp. I guess I'll be a queer man now. What the hell, man? Now I gotta go with this biker gang. God damn it. I don't even have a bike.

They don't have good parties. I look terrible in leather. None of the guys pretending to be girls even like them. That is such a funny take that he's like, alright, well I'm a child rapist. You're going to get out of this hole but you're going to do it slow.

Step by step. What's after Nazi? And then I'm going to get out of this hole, but you're going to do it slow. Yeah. Step by step. What's after Nazi? And then I'm going to come back and, and be that guy. They'll put on CNN. Who's like X Nazi. Look, he still has a swastika tattoo,

but he realized the folly of his way or that kind of thing. Then I'll parlay into that. And then maybe I get like a public speaking, get in like against hate or something. No, Taylor, you're really ramping up. People have totally forgotten about the public. I feel like he goes from child rapist to Nazi, maybe the strong arm burglary a little bit

and then just some like threats. And before he, you've really made him a hero too quickly. There's lots of crimes in between. There's a lot of steps in between. By the way, as someone who has done comedy on the college circuit those lecturers yeah i would not call them heroes i think uh i think those are uh i think they're failed comics looking for a way to still make money i did a gig once i did a gig once with a dude who and it was uh i i was running late and thank god i was because i was supposed to go first and he was

supposed to go after me and this guy was and i i just like my flight was delayed then i got caught in traffic it was this whole thing and so they had him go first it's this college in uh macon georgia actually it was in it was in uh mercer college and he's this guy he used to be a comic and it didn't work out for him and then he got a bunch of DUIs And so now he's a DUI speaker I like Steve's take on these speakers like like like through the comic lens You know the guy is telling his heartbreaking story of heroin addiction and Steve's like that's not even fucking funny What a failed comic Well no, but this is so straight up

Some of the people on this circuit Some of the people Look, there, some of the people, look, there are genuinely, there are good speakers out there. Some of the people on this circuit, it's such a gimmick in order for them to still, because you make a lot of money. Oh, your septum's gone. Well, I'm a hard laugh.

Yeah. Dude, I want to be an undercover agent for the tobacco lobby that goes around and gives those speeches. And I'm like standing there and I'm like, here's a picture of me back when I smoked. And I'm just like shredded. I got like a cap on. I got like hot bitches all around, like smoking a cigarette. And I'm like, do you want this?

No, nobody wants that. I'd smoke so many cigarettes, I'd black out. The next morning, 10 naked women around me. I could have an STD. So remember, no matter how cool you look to everyone around you while you're smoking, no matter how cool you look, let's get a little more material up here. See, this is what I'm talking about. Let's look at some of these tobacco advertisements from when they were allowed to advertise.

Look at these. Clearly, this is what I'm talking about. Let's look at some of these tobacco advertisements from when they were allowed to advertise. Look at these. Clearly, cool guys. That's how they get you. Because they know. Do you want to be a cowboy? Do you want to be a cowboy? Do you want to be a gangster? Even this camel's having three ways.

Joe Camel got so much gash. They just bring someone up and they're just like, look, this is a fine person who doesn't smoke, and it's just like the loserest person they could possibly find. Now, the first thing you'll notice is he's very overweight. Now, another neat little thing the tobacco industry will tell you is these keep you thin, they keep you attractive, and that may be true. It is true.

It's true. Nicotine raises your metabolism, and I'm like, it's cheat codes for body fat. It is true. It's true. Nicotine raises your metabolism. And I'm like, it's cheat codes for body. All right. Appetite as well. I still, I still want to finish this story about this hack speaker.

Go for it. So, so no, no, no, this was, it was a welcome diversion. So the,

so he goes up and he's doing, so he's supposed to do an hour, but he only has about a 45 minute speech. And it's all about how many duis he got and his like his brother almost died in a car accident and all this stuff and then in his last 15 minutes he's like but i want to keep it fun and so he goes into old material no the material he used to do was about drinking so the last 15 minutes of his anti-drinking speech is about how much fun he had drinking.

It's basically the parody that you were just doing, Taylor. But he was, but like legit, he's like, yeah, you guys party? Yeah, I partied too. And like he just, and that was the last, yeah, and that was the last 15 minutes of it. And I'm like, that would have been, to follow an actual comic set with that would have been preposterous. Like it would have been, yeah, that would have been impossibleosterous like it would have been yeah that would have been impossible and i'm not saying i'm super hard to follow i'm saying any professional comic is super hard to follow for someone who doesn't know what the fuck they're doing that is hilarious though just going into bits and material that was what he did that guy's pretty

cool i want to see i want to see how he lives i want want to live like him. Dude, real life stuff right here happening as we speak. My friend is having a heart attack. He's in the ER right now. He's sending me a picture and he watches the show. I kind of feel like we should bust his balls about this a little bit. About his heart attack? He would like it, I think. How dark can humor get you just you just triggered kyle for being too dark you understand what that means i know him better than kyle my friend just had a stroke he might get the left side of his body

back but until then honestly it pretty much sucks can you do that thing where you do half your face all right all right this is funny because you all knocked me for this idea and then ran with it within like three seconds. Because we don't know him. So we don't care. He's not smiling in his phone. The man has a wife. Yeah. Does he?

Does he have a wife and kids? Yes. He just became a grandfather. I told him to smile when he takes a picture. Wait, and you say he's having a heart attack. Do you mean like he had one and he's in the hospital now recovering? Just send back LOL.

Oh my god, please. Just do an eggplant emoji. He has heart damage from a previous heart attack. No, do the heartbreak emoji. Yeah, and he said, hey, quick update. I'm in the ER. I'm not going to give his location away. Possible heart attack.

Oh. So I told him to smile when he takes a picture because, you know, that's what you say. And he said his face is numb. There are dark people. What's the stroke? I don't know.

Look, my sister got Bell's palsy. Is it gone now? It is now. And so it was, you know, luckily the recovery from it, if you recover, can be, you know, two, three weeks. And, you know, and it's barely noticeable. But it was basically from overwork, from too much stress. And so half her face was frozen and everybody else was just going to be like, oh, you know, are you hopefully you'll be OK.

Everything will be fine. I'm sure you'll get that. And just fucking trying to sweet talk her. But I know my sister. And so, like, I called her to see if she was OK. And she was like, she's like, it's horrible. I don't want to go into a work. I'm hideous. I was like, yeah, but did anything change? And so she laughed. No gag reflex anymore. Exactly. I was like, so what's the difference? And so she laughed

and that was the first person because she didn't want anyone... She was tired of the bullshit, empty platitudes. She wanted someone to make her laugh. Now when she laughed, it was pretty gross because only one side of her face. Yeah. That got me.

Everybody makes me feel different, but you made me feel the same as always. I'm here to talk to you about Bell's Pals. Maybe next time, don't FaceTime. Yeah, just be like, FaceTime audio. That's cool, if you want. One of my other friends told him to shut up.

I said my room was kind of warm and you don't see me bitching. We'll see where this goes. So this is like a group chat? It is, yeah. I hope the man doesn't die, Woody. I hope the man doesn't die. I. I hope the man doesn't die. I had two people I went to high school with die this week. Two people you went to high school with, you said?

Yeah, one had a heart attack in front of his kids, and he was an asshole. It's fine. And the other one was a young lady, and she had a liver transplant, and then very recently things took a turn for the worse, and she died. You said you went to high school with them so they were your age uh she was about two years older and he was a year younger yeah no they're in high school right now kyle would just hang out at their high school they're cool kids what can i say you know really

died young real tragic how how heavy was this guy that he had a heart attack at 31 um i hadn't seen him in years. It's the guy that I told that story about Scott spitting on him in the grocery store parking lot. This is the guy who challenged us to a fight and insisted that he fight both of us simultaneously. And then we showed up and he was terrified. And Scott was going to spare him. And instead he gave him a humiliation spit. And Scott was terrified. And Scott was going to spare him. And instead, he gave him a humiliation spit. And Scott dips tobacco.

So he just spit that nasty tobacco spit right on this guy's khakis. And it was that guy. So really, Kyle, him dying was just you guys winning that fight. It just took a while. All over again. All over again. You guys eventually won. Well, we won that night anyway.

He took an ass beating later that night. The spitting wasn't enough, I guess. But not a cool guy. I wasn't too heartbroken about that one. But the girl you were friends with? Oh, nice. Yeah, kind of a family friend too. Yeah, somebody that we all knew very well.

Yeah, it's a real shame. Young lady. RIP to her. That's sad. Yeah, not to him though. No, not to him. I don't.P. to her. That's sad. Not to him, though. I don't know him, and I trust your character evaluation. Yeah, I was just trying to be as inappropriate with it

as possible when my mother texted me about it. And I just sent an emoji that was shrugging, like, eh. And she tries to keep it serious. She's like, apparently, it was in front of his two young children. And I sent back the fat bastard from Austin Powers going,

boo! She sent me one back like, Jesus Christ, Kyle. What do you think the worst emoji is to send if someone in your life tells you that someone they cared about just died what is the worst emoji to respond with um winky face blowing a heart um i think i think the disco guy oh no how about the one where it's how about a ghost oh that's a pretty good one. Yeah. Or like a... Just one that's totally non-psychic.

Like a black power fist. Yeah. Or like... Or the dragon. Like just... Eggplant with the water spray. Yeah. That's pretty bad.

However they die. Like if it's a car accident, maybe something with a vehicle. Yeah. Yeah. It'll be real dark with it yeah that would be just because i mean responding to bad news with an emoji is already insensitive yeah yeah yeah like what's the worst honestly the worst one might just be not the all the way cry but the hmm the sad face oh yeah because then it's like is he genuinely responding to this with a sad face what about the upside down smile one because what the fuck does that even mean you know like when i get that normally i'm like i don't know what emotion

you're trying to convey right now like what what does that i see it like is it tonight i think it's like an ironic happy yeah i don't fully get what it's almost an insincere happiness or something like that or like the internet is so many layers of irony now i don't even know where i'm looking yeah exactly yeah it can be a little complex it's a full-time job to keep up with all this stuff what about the uh my favorite emoji is the is the guy with the super shocked face though like that yeah that one. Yeah, that one is multi-purpose. That's like a multi-tool right there.

I use that in all sorts of scenarios. I'm guessing one of them is shock and one of them is blowjob. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Those are the uses of the guy. My friend recovering from the heart attack said the poo emoji would be his vote. You shit himself? Current conversation, what's the worst emoji response to your friend having a heart attack? And he voted poo.

Well, and this is why he's not a guest on the show. Not a creative guy. Not only is he in poor health, not funny at all. I mean, I would think sending the heart emoji would be funnier than that. I said the heart with a line through it like it's broken. Woody, humor is the best medicine

and fucking get him some. I'm working on it. I'm looking for a broken heart emoji. Yeah. Humor is the best medicine, but you just do insult comedy. I sent it. You fucking loser. Hey, where are all these assholes from, huh? Dude, I love the broken heart emoji.

We'll see how he replies. Man, well, hopefully he... I almost said RIP to that guy. But hopefully he recovers and everything. Is there a tombstone one? Yeah, there is a tombstone one. There used to be a lot of gun ones, but all the services changed the guns.

Now it's a squirt gun. Yeah, there's a squirt gun. Yeah, they changed it to ray guns and squirt guns. Which became very sexual. That became much more sexual. Hell yeah. What does the octopus emoji represent? Oh, you don't want to know what that's for.

Okay, because Johnson voted octopus, the dick one, the eggplant, hospital, red balloon, broken heart, black heart. Which I think tells a death story. Is that like a tale? Yeah, it went from hospital to get well to broken heart to black. I don't know why the octopus and Dick came in. If I had a heart attack

and I was in a group chat with my friends, this kind of humor is exactly what I think I'd want, honestly. Like taking me out of it helps you kind of make a little bit of levity out of the situation. Everybody's different, but that's what I think I'd want, honestly. Like, taking me out of it helps you kind of make a little bit of levity out of the situation. Like, everybody's different, but that's what I think I would want. Do you guys know that the butt emoji

can also be used as a peach? No. I didn't even know there was a butt emoji. There's a peach emoji that people use as the butt. See, I'm a poor person on Android, and so I don't get all the same emojis. You have three emojis. It's like

a happy face, a sad face, and a picture of an iPhone. That's all my friends in our group text do. We'll be organizing something different. They'll be like, hey, where are you guys meeting up to go to the blues parade Saturday? I'll be like, I think we're going to meet at this place, and then we're're gonna head down around 7 30 and they'll

just be like god i'm so fucking tired of these poor person green texts coming through it's like i don't get it well one androids can be even more expensive than iphones you know it's folds and shit and two like i i don't i just don't associate android with low income is it also joe they're just trolling they're also by the way right now the android for all of the race stuff and the sex stuff and all of the offensive shit you guys have joked about over the years more people are going to be upset by the android joke than anything else that has ever been on this show like people are so fucking passionate about that stuff. A lot of people really are.

And I don't, the only reason I got an Android instead of an iPhone is because it had the headphone jack. That was it. Like that was the big reason. That's a, by the way, my favorite emoji to send. There's a,

there's like a small gray box and it looks like the emoji is broken. You know what I mean? Like, it looks like, Oh, I don't have that emoji. So like if I'm in a group chat with people, like sending that one so people are like oh what emoji did you mean to send and then just just leave it yeah yeah just never tell them there used to be a thing that you could do on an iphone they fixed it but there was this crazy

bunch of characters that if you copy and paste it, if you texted it to someone, it would restart their phone. Like it would shut their phone down. This is not an urban. This is not an urban legend. My friends and I would do it to, to each other all the fucking time. And it was, and it was a lot of fun because the key to doing it is not just do it

randomly during the day. It's like you start having a regular conversation and you tell them that you're going to tell them something important and then you do it. Like that's way more fun. Like that's a much better way of doing it that is so much better than my lame friends like i worked in it so some of them would stay on top of this like as an information security type thing and they'd be like look i can do it to your phone huh you did it like it wasn't you guys just did so much better oh no no we would we would go to great lengths to make it seem like we weren't going to it's the same way of the uh of getting someone to uh of doing the deez nuts it's like that same kind of

game where you like walk someone into where you where you could say it like instead of just walking up to someone tapping on the shoulder and be like hey deez nuts like that's not really that's not the fun part well we're an hour into the show. Does that mean sponsor time? It could mean sponsor time, or it could mean... Let me do a sponsor, and then I'll tell you about my day. All right. Do the sponsor. I want to hear about your day.

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SmartMouth's clinically proven two liquid formula combines to instantly eliminate bad breath and prevent bad breath from returning all day rinse once in the morning for all day clean breath and then once before uh bedtime so you don't ever have morning breath again that's the coolest part to me is waking up and your mouth doesn't taste like a cat shat in it it's great stuff whether whether it's the boardroom or the bedroom have confidence in your breath that your breath whether the boardroom or the bedroom, have confidence in your breath that your breath, eh. Whether the boardroom or the bedroom,

have confidence in your breath spells, God damn. Having confidence in your breath, it spells success. What I'm trying to say here, Woody, is if your breath smells good, you'll do good. Okay.

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Absolutely, yeah. I've got the toothpaste and the delicious mouthwash. I use the mouthwash that's for dry mouth because I like it better. I use the mouthwash that's for dry mouth because I like it better. I like it better. I like the clinical one. I feel like I'm getting more clean, like from the dentist clean.

But they're all good. Yeah, Woody's right. I like the slick tooth feeling after the toothpaste. You know what I mean? Yeah. You guys like that? Like when your teeth feel like fucking slick and clean. I feel like those older toothpastes have been resting on their laurels for too long.

And they needed a smart amount to come along and kick them in the teeth. Yeah. No. Yeah. Little pun. So, Kyle, I know something's been going on in your life recently to do with the legal situation. Yeah. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

This isn't important. Can we talk more about Woody's heart attack friend? Yes, back to that. He's important too. Do you know how many people watching this show have been like, how the fuck are they not talking about this? There's timelines in the description. Use them, people.

Because all the comments pour in about the first hour of the show the most, that is going to be the biggest comment Steve's driving. It's like, when the fuck are they going to talk about Kyle's legal thing? It's in the title. You know it's in the title. It's got to be one of the things. So Kyle, break it down for us.

Whatever you're comfortable going into. The funny parts, the scary parts. But as a producer, we really should have held this to the last hour. Kyle, can you do the fast forward version of what they accused you of? Because I still see a lot of people say, hey, wait, Kyle had a legal issue. Yeah, yeah. So there were a bunch of charges at first, and most of them were nonsense.

There was a charge that said I had a gun with a destroyed serial number. That was a gun that had been coated, painted with a pretty design on it, and two of the serial numbers were kind of hard to read. You literally scratch them, and you could read them. But destroying the serial number on a firearm is like a 10-year federal mandatory sentence. So they lump stuff like that and these were guns you bought brand new from a gun store normally and then had professionally painted yeah so this wasn't like a wacky thing this isn't one of those deals where i like paint a gun like green and red in my backyard

this was this was a professional job uh and they did a bad job at it uh And so they lump stuff like that in with possession of marijuana and just made it so that I really had to do a plea deal and just plead guilty to possession of marijuana with intent to distribute. And the intent to distribute thing, even the judge today was like, so was he selling marijuana? And they're like, no, absolutely not. The prosecution's like, no, he wasn't, no. Was he shipping it? Nope, nope. Was he trading it for favors or influence? Nope, not at all.

Never did that. Was he going to parades and releasing it over the crowd? Like what? Nope, nope. It's the Joker shit. Exactly. But we're quite sure that women would come to his house his girlfriend even and smoke a joint with him occasionally and so and so that was distribution so the judge was like so he was like a good host

that is not what the judge said no So you're saying he was a polite person. I would go so far as to say considerate. We're going to charge you with three counts of being considerate, which is a felony in Georgia. Yeah. So I was glad that that was part of the hearing today, where he made sure that she explained that. And she was like, yeah, no, he didn't sell it he's not a drug dealer but he did share it with it with women from time to time and and just so everyone out there knows you know if if you're if you're ever

in a situation uh where there's some marijuana if you share a joint with someone, you just distributed marijuana. So this is a – That's crazy. What a great excuse for not giving someone your pot. You said it, not me. Nah, dude, sorry. So I don't need extra charges. Can you explain how sentencing works? Because I was very surprised to learn that your gun collection,

they tried to combine it with uh yeah with marijuana and make it a really worse thing before you do that i like the idea that like she's basically saying like you tried to ply women with marijuana no that was not what she said she was just she's literally it was just that like people would come to my house and they would smoke marijuana. Yeah, but the idea is that she was trying to get at the fact that you having marijuana is part of why girls came over. My lawyer essentially said that. He was like, first of all, these friends were ladies. I was just like, I'm looking around.

And then the judge just gives you a high five yeah i'm he's you know i really and just a little sidebar here uh a little core humor there for you uh if uh nice if anyone finds himself in a similar similar situation that i was in and they're in the atlanta area you know hit me up and i guess i could refer you to an attorney i really thought that my uh my guy did a good job for me over the last year and a half that this thing's been going on for. Seems like so long ago, this stuff. Yeah. Sometimes it comes

up and I'm like, they're still mad about that? Yeah, they're still mad about it. Yeah, you know, it's... That's part of the legal system. If you wait long enough, they just go eh. Yeah. In some situations they do with statutes of limitation, but this isn't one of those situations at all. That doesn't apply here in any way.

What's the statute of limitations to fake pot charges? So Kyle, the guns combining with pot use became a weird thing. So there's like federal sentencing guidelines. We've all probably heard that terminology before. And

it's like this sliding scale of like a point system. And it's like this sliding scale of like a point system. And it's like, oh, you did a good thing. Two points off. Oh, you did a bad thing. One point on. And the things that took points off for me were, you know, I have no criminal history whatsoever. What was another one? So wait, it's like a driver's test. Kind of, kind of. And the more points you get, the more time you can do. Are there multipliers? Yes. On the left, there are numbers that go from

1 to 50 or something like that. Just to the right of those are how many months that's recommended that you do in prison. I started out at 31. Which is 31 points?

Yeah. I don't think people recognize how outrageous that is. That is a really, really big legal problem. It's like 35 years in federal prison. Jesus Christ. That is... Yeah, it's also... But did you guys listen to season three of Serial?

You're really going to interrupt his story? Okay. No, no, no. Because they take you through the court system and how pleading, how basically they lump all these false charges on and not only that, but they charge you twice for the same thing. Like, they'll be like

possession of a firearm and also possession of a weapon. And it's like, that's the the same thing and possession of a firearm by a drug user so yeah am i getting charged three times for one gun and yeah and they do and the reason they do that is so that by the end they're like you're facing 31 years in prison and you're like all right i guess i'll plead to two and really they just wanted you to have two in the first place that's absolutely the situation and and what it what it was in my case is is that it didn't make any sense to go to trial uh and and potentially face all that craziness you know the the the level 31 stuff it made so much more sense to just plead guilty even though i i really disagreed with the

uh the distribution charge that seemed wrong to me. I'm not a legal scholar or anything and then You know there were some there were a lot of inconsistencies in the in the whole case you know the way the search warrant was obtained and some stuff like that that I won't go into but You know it wasn't I could have won if I if I taken it to to trial, but the risk was absurd could have won if i if i'd taken it to to trial but the risk was absurd and yeah you also could have lost and and yeah so you're you were fps russia which meant that you owned a lot of specialty interesting guns silencers and short barrel all licensed all to all completely above board yeah but in this context they became like extra big problems can you explain well at first um that was adding on

like eight points which is a lot um for owning legal guns yeah yeah um and that got brought down to adding on two points um so uh again like like points got deducted for things like i'd never had a criminal history and it's like first time offense and the possession of marijuana under a kilogram or whatever, under a pound. One or the other was X amount of points. And it all came down to six points, from 31 down to six points. And the recommended sentence for that, which is what I've been saying kind of all along for like two years, is zero to six months of prison and when in the last six

months of any federal uh sentence you don't actually spend in prison you spend it in a halfway house so yeah it's kind of like a dormitory that you sleep in at night with some other cool guys i guess and uh you know you have people you've been making fun of for years. I'm sure I'll make good friends there. And you get your days to yourself. Heard what you were saying on the podcast. But you get your days to yourself. And you're not locked up.

They're just keeping tabs on you for a little while. And it was a maximum of, I think, maybe $9,500 they could have fined me. And it was up to five years of probation, which is pretty annoying, you know, that much probation. That's a long-ass time. What does that mean? Does probation include drug testing? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, I think so.

And so we went in today, and I got there at 9 a.m. to Athens, which is like a two-hour drive. Rack of bone in Kyle's world. Yeah. I got up at 5 a.m. I got up at 5 a.m. I probably wouldn't have slept at all. I would have been so nervous. I slept pretty well, honestly.

I went to bed at like 9 p.m. It was all the pot that helped him sleep. Get out of here. Get out of here. Fuck off. Not a funny one, Steve. Not a funny one. No, it wasn't. No, it wasn't. Get out of here. Get out of here. Fuck off. Not a funny one, Steve. Not a funny one. No, it wasn't.

No, it wasn't. Anything of the sort. It was my wholesome nature. It was melatonin. And my love of Jesus Christ that helped me sleep well. Hey, cool kids, tell the round.

Let me tell you about Jesus Christ. I've been taking random drug tests for two years now. I'm clean. And so I got up at 5 a.m., got there at 9 a.m., and my lawyer's not there. And see, there's no way to really coordinate with the lawyer because as a lawyer, he won't answer the phone when he drives. I understand that. He understands it's a crime to do so in this state.

And he's got a long drive just like I do, and'm not gonna call him at 6 a.m. And so He I can't call him on the phone I can't take my phone into the courthouse, you know because I'm a defendant one of the interesting things I didn't know that yeah, you can't One of the interesting things throughout my whole legal processes is I've got a very nice suit That I had made and every time i go into any courthouse lawyers on the left i'm like no that's i'm not i'm i'm not a lawyer really what are you doing here wait a minute are you that you look familiar is that your internet guy yeah that's literally what happened at the federal courthouse both

times the metal detector guy recognized me and and then we ended up watching videos uh my videos with the metal detector guy having a having a good little chat so i get there he's telling me he was like taking selfies of you and he's like but not with your phone you're not allowed to have that yeah yeah uh i i get there and uh i go up into the courtroom and uh and i'm there before they even unlock the doors I'm ready to go here, I don't want to be late there was an incident a few months back

where they didn't notify me that today's my court day and so I just get a phone call at like 10am and they're like, hey, you're supposed to be in court and I'm just like, what? what do you mean? No one told me. And I had to like rush and drive two hours,

but they were told that I wasn't notified. So it was all good. So the court opens up and I go in there and I'm gonna be the last guy on the docket for the day. So that gives plenty of time for my lawyer to get there. And he does eventually, although I'm very nervous because court has begun by the time he gets there. And today was mostly sentencing.

And so there's this big chorus, I'll call them, of people in orange jumpsuits and shackles over there. Kind of like a, you know, sitting in like a choir formation. I want them singing now like it's Sister Act. How many people are in front of you? 10, 20, 30? I would say 8 or 9 people. And so I get to watch each of their cases go. And the thing about it is, they go up and the prosecutor is like,

they tell you what these people did. They're like, if the person pleads guilty, like the whole spiel is, they go, if we had proceeded to trial, we would have proved beyond a reasonable doubt that so-and-so did this on this day, and then this happened, and then this

happened, and they really lay out what these people have done. So the language they use to lay it out, is it half legalese, like strong-arm burglary or this or that, or is it more like she was 78 years old he tied her to a chair with telephone cord you like like descriptive language they tell a story uh they tell a story and so what do you what he wants to know how hard to get you can't get any more and so this uh this mexican guy goes up first and, and my lawyer is sitting next to me at this point, and he's pleading guilty today.

So he won't be sentenced today, but he's pleading guilty, and she starts explaining what this guy did. He had driven like 150 gallons of liquid methamphetamine from Mexico to Atlanta in exchange for $12,000 in the diesel tanks of his big rig. And then he was having two associates separate the diesel from the methamphetamine at a residence. And they go into all this detail about like, like how the investigation went down. And I'm like, I'm interested now. Like, like this is, this is some crazy stuff. You're invested in the story. This is breaking Bad level. What happens season two?

Well, I may have to go back. Javier doesn't get to appear in season two. Season two happens in prison. Javier is going to be seeing season two, season three, season four, season five, season six. He's going to be doing ten seasons

at least. That's what she six. He's going to be doing 10 seasons at least. And that's what she said. She's like, this carries a minimum of 10 years and a maximum of life imprisonment. And the judge is like, you understand that, Javier? And he's like, see, you know, they got the interpreter there. They're going back and forth.

And I'm like, fuck, that's rough, man. And he's like, just so you know, I hope your lawyer has expressed this to you. You will be deported after you serve your prison sentence but there was this brief period of time where i think javier and myself were like when you're saying that maybe uh you just send me back home yeah i was like can we just keep the whole prison thing? I'll go home. I'll never come back. I thought that might happen.

You feel bad for him, even though he was clearly doing a bad thing. When he turned around to leave, his face looked rough. I felt bad for him immediately. Then two more illegals go up and they're just getting time served, $100 fines. That's not what they say in the federal courtroom.

They refer to them as elites. And so they deport these two guys. Wait, that seems cool. If I had a choice between 10 years in prison, federal prison I'm guessing, and deporting, I'd take the court. You don't have the choice. Dude, if I commit a crime in France and I go into court and they're like,

get out of here. I want to be like, oh, thank God. I've never done that again. The two gentlemen who were just deported, their crime was entry. Oh, okay. Yeah. Then there's

a black gentleman. He goes up and he, uh, then there's a black gentleman. He goes up and he was possession of a firearm by a felon. And, uh, and he's probably a serious one. It was pretty serious because of his criminal history. You know, he had an aggravated assault in his past and the judge was like,

Ooh, I don't like to see violence. You know, that's no good. And there's like a, Oh, there's a six point multiplier here for this aggravated assault and i'm just like oh and then is there anything you'd

like to say for yourself and i thought he spoke i thought he spoke for himself fairly well he was like you know i've been around a lot of guys recently who aren't gonna get out again they're never going home and this is kind of this federal thing is open to my eyes that if i don't straighten up one of these days i'm never going home and and the judge is like oh okay okay maximum sentence five years and and so it goes on like that for like 40 maybe an hour i would also love if that if the guy who had the possession of firearm it's like is there anything you have to say for yourself, and he's like that FPS Big fan big fan. Yeah the gun guy So and so another guy goes up and he and this is this guy's like the only one there who wasn't brought in in shackles

And I was like my peer Well, he gets up there and he's got like a history of methamphetamine abuse and he's a drug addict and he's got, they, they found like weapons and methamphetamine and he was also a felon. And, uh, and his lawyer's telling this sob story about how he is the caregiver to four children and his, his, uh, the children's mother's getting a hysterectomy and, and it's just this real sob story. And they're just like, Oh, okay. Okay. 48 months. And I was like, God damn. And, uh, and, and they're like,

well, your honor, we request that he not be taken into custody today. And, uh, and, and everybody else in the courtroom, the prosecutor and whoever the assistant prosecutor, they're just like, nah, we should take him today. And so they fucking take him. They go and they get him and they handcuff him right there and they

drag him out of that place. And I'm just like, this isn't going well, man. We've got Judge Roy Bean up there. He's laying the hammer down on these people you know what's your thought about your own situation as you're watching that unfold i i always knew like like you know unless like some sort of like we something unless something weird happened six months was going to be the worst it was ever going to be and that was going to be in the halfway house situation so i'm not all that yeah wait a second in the halfway house situation. So I'm not all that. Yeah. Wait a second.

Like the idea of having to go last, like having to, I feel like that's more nerve wracking than getting it out of the way right away because like you have to. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, it's worse. They were facing the kicker all day. Now. Yeah. You got two months. Is that right? Yeah, I got two months is that right yeah i got two months but we don't know two months of what it's almost well it depends uh the it's two months of the halfway house and the only thing that would change that is if they don't have enough beds at the

halfway house it's this weird scenario where like my lawyer's like i mean we could probably just talk to the parole officer and maybe we'll just wait until there is a bed, you know, until you have to go and start serving that two months. But we don't really know. Like worst case scenario, I have to go to some kind of something that they described as summer camp, which, you know, that's, I don't know. That sounds fun. Not really. But it's Bible summer camp, Tyler.

Oh, yeah, it sucks. I was laughing to myself earlier today thinking about it thinking about the possibility of you getting house arrest for two months or something and just like them being like now you can't leave your house you have this this uh anklet on for two months and then like three and a half months in we do need that bracelet back. You know you can leave now, right? And you're like, yeah, I'll get around to it.

You're just doing Postmates and Rust. You know, there's a whole new season of One Punch Man out. I think maybe next week. Wait, does the halfway house have a sex swing, though? I don't think so. I think that's the you know in that scenario so yeah i got uh two years of probation which is the minimum amount of probation that i could have gotten you know you could have given me five years of probation i was pretty thankful for that the probation was the part i was most concerned about honest honestly like how many years i would have to continue to do these

like drug tests and and be under like the you and sort of have a babysitter to some extent. You've been under probation. Am I right? Yeah, it's called pretrial probation. I've been on that. And what impact does it have on one's life to be under probation? There's drug tests. You can't leave the state without permission.

My parole officer calls me maybe once every two months or something like that and is like hey I'm going to stop by and see how you're doing and he stops by and we talk for a little while he's a big fan of cooking as well so we usually talk about YouTube so he goes to you every time? yeah I've only had to go to them

the very very very first time and then I have this local to me there's a place that does drug treatment. I had to go through a drug treatment, uh, situation. How many hours is that? Like a, a one day class or no, no, that was every week for what happened was I went and they immediately said, you don't need drug treatment. And, uh, they, they, they said, uh, but they did offer me a help for PTSD. So I went through this whole like PTSD treatment situation with them, which was very helpful. And then the lady who was doing that treatment with me, I can't remember, there's an acronym

for it. It's like EDSMR or something like that. It's a bit like hypnotism, which sounds a little hokey, but it helped. And so she retired. which sounds a little hokey, but it helps. And so she retired. And so I took on a new therapist slash counselor. And she was like, that's a crime?

She was like, you go to jail for pot? And I'm like, I don't think you're supposed to be saying this stuff. The greatest, by the way, I mean, the greatest slash worst thing about this whole thing is that in four years, none of this would have mattered. Like in it's it's we are so close to the time where it becomes federally legal or when enough states legalize it or whatever it is that like you literally would not have had a problem at all. Yeah. Yeah. That's definitely around the corner at some point. I would say definitely in the next eight or 10 years or something like that. We'll see who wins the next election. That's absolutely pivotal, who wins the next election, about how fast it happens, because I think Sanders would do it rather quickly. By the way, Glebe is a total stoner, just so people know. Okay, okay, don't throw your vote away, people. Bernie bros get after it.

okay don't throw your vote away people bernie bros bernie bros get after it and uh and so yeah um two months of this halfway house situation don't know when i'll have to check in they'll call me in a month two months maybe more even and uh and let me know some menial fine wasn't that much uh like back when it was like a level 31 fence it was like it was like a million dollar fine it was ridiculous uh i didn't know what a halfway house was so i looked it up on wikipedia it seems to involve a big therapy component do you know more than i do like i think if you're there for a long time then it does but but i think with the this federal halfway house situation it's been described to me as a dormitory that i check into in the evenings i sleep there there, and then I leave the next day.

I drive my car to this place and sleep there. I performed in one once. Oh, but that was in a halfway house. What do you know about them? I performed in a halfway house. How many people were there? It was about halfway full. That was horrible.

We're telling jokes, people. No, but I really did perform in one, and it was, we're, we're telling jokes, people. I knew it. No, but I really did. I really did perform in one and it was probably about 50, 60 people. Um, and you know, in some like function room thing. And,

the, the audience was very sweet. They were disciplined. I'll tell you that. Like no one was interrupting shit. Um, it was a very like, uh,

it's, it's, uh, it was similar to performing like a recovery show yeah um because i think a lot of people yeah a lot of the people in halfway houses are in there for drugs everybody in court today was there for drugs wait what about the firearm guy it was possession of a firearm by a drug user were rolled into this right yeah yeah it was everybody was there for drugs uh every single one of them uh it was mostly methamphetamine which is crazy when you think about the fact that like most people who do drugs are doing drugs not out of choice but out of like they're they were in a shitty situation they got addicted

like it's it's a it's a medical condition that we treat as a criminal offense uh yeah a lot of times i would agree with that yeah and then there's just some people who are just degenerates and they won't get fucked up but you know i don't i don't judge anybody uh clearly don't have much ground yeah but also if their if their life is so shitty that they if their life is so shitty if your life sucks so much that meth makes it better like that's like i i'm not i don't i'm not angry at those people yeah i'm not angry at anybody for doing drugs uh you know i don't know what you know as long as you don't like spray them on me or anything i have these nights by the way kyle where somebody where somebody comes and rubs. I had this nightmare where someone came and rubbed a drug on my

neck that soaks into your skin. He was like, ha ha! And he ran away. And I was just like, I'm going to fail my drug test now. No! And I'm just thinking, what am I going to do? They're never going to believe this. They're not going to believe a maniac ran up to me and rubbed something

on my neck. They're never going believe that that's a fun like ptsd stuff yeah now that you've been sentenced and like you know the end of this all i just really want to apologize for mailing you those drugs i just feel like i had no idea you'd get in so much trouble. I would have never played a part. I really just thought it'd be funny to send you drugs. You know what I mean? Because I don't do drugs, so why would they come from me, right? It's the perfect crime. Woody and I kept it a secret the whole time.

The long con. The long con. How are your Jewish jokes now, Kyle? Oh, yeah. How are your Jewish jokes now, Kyle? I want to know, Kyle, like what the, like you talked about the PTSD therapy or training, whatever they call it.

What, can you go into what that was? Was it just talking it out? Like mental exercises to do? They would just fire guns. Yeah, physical exercises. I would follow her finger left and right while we talked through things. And I would also do this thing where I crossed my arms

and sort of alternated taps left to right on my shoulders. Yeah, like that while following the finger. And she explained how it worked, how it alternated activating parts of your brain or something like that while keying in on bad memories and then like washing over them with good memories or something like that it helps a lot yeah it was like i said i thought it was quite hokey when she described it and i was just gonna i was just like all right well they say i gotta do it so i'll do it but by

the end of it i was like you know i think, I think this helped. I feel better about all this shit. What if it was all part of like wax on, wax off? Oh, that would have been great. Like at the end of it, you're just like, follow the finger, follow the finger. And like that's how you get sentenced to less time. Like it's some carnival game. But yeah, I'm glad the whole thing is over. Finally, I'll do something like these two months at a dorm or whatever.

If that's the case, I'll still be able to do the show here. I don't know when we'll record it. I don't know what the times will be, but I'm sure we can work around it somehow. Might have to move the upload date even. I don't know. And have to record on weekends or something weird like that. I don't know what we'll have to do or what we'll want to do. It's only a couple months. We'll get through it.

Yeah, it's just a couple months, and it'll be a couple of months most likely before that even begins. But yeah, everybody's pretty happy over here with how things went. We were surprised it got any time at all, frankly. You know, it seemed like the judge was kind of understanding that the distribution thing was not standard distribution at all. That it was someone smoked some weed at my house a couple times. And that the, he was like, how are the firearms connected to the marijuana? And she was like, well, they were everywhere.

And he's like, well, I i mean we've kind of been through this he was a manufacturer of firearms so well they were everywhere and there was an enormous amount of ammunition and i was just like well that's all true you know there were a lot of guns you know but but but it was sort of a sticking point it seemed like for the judge even to be like i'm not sure how the firearms are related to this any marijuana it's like pot maybe maybe the pot was touching one of them so uh uh see they were just in the same room or something like that and they sort of uh and yeah that that was literally the connection i guess and by the way from the first time i was on i pk i don't know if you remember but i was like making fun of the fact that you had like a billion guns just behind you. Yeah. And even I am someone who's like, what the fuck do the guns have to do

with it? Yeah. Yeah. They didn't have anything to do with it. You know, and that was sort of the case that my lawyer made in court. He's like, usually when we talk about this sort of like, when we add the guns to the drugs, it's because the guns are being utilized in the drug enterprise. They're being used for intimidation or to procure the drugs or to protect the drugs or something like that. That's not the case here. And I believe the judge even used the term incidental, that the guns being there was just incidental to any drugs being there. And now that you've said that, I think I can say this. I was starting to lead to it before. Like silencer was a point.

A short-barreled rifle was a point, if I remember right. But those were legal licensed guns. And it was weird to me that a silencer with a tax stamp on the records, everything above board was like even worse than another gun. And yeah, that was part of like uh the search warrant thing

that that's what kind of made things different was because there were some issues with the initial search warrant that had i not owned legal uh suppressors and stuff that maybe the whole thing could have gotten thrown out because of the way the first warrant was written but because i did on suppressors there's this i can't remember the the the terminology but essentially they were going to be able to get a warrant regardless so even if their warrant was bad the argument would be well we'd have gotten a good one anyway just just based on uh him having suppressors so which is such a bullshit argument like that's the point of getting a good warrant you have to get it well to me it's like they're legal legal should be legal

you can't say they're legal but you know what since he does have certain things that we've he's paid his taxes on and he's above board with now he's like sort of illegal yeah well i mean the initial warrant said that uh they searched my house because i was wearing shorts i'm not making that up what well were you wearing shorts i was in fact charged yeah wait a second were they cargo shorts they were basketball committing i uh i was wearing basketball shorts what was the weather though very hot about 93 degrees that day. Okay, that's not a suspect. Look, if you're wearing shorts in the winter, you did it.

Look, you know, this is the stuff that's been going through my mind and my family's mind. Can you expand on the shorts thing? Does it make sense if you add context? No, no, no. It doesn't make sense when you add context. How is that possibly... Did they misspell a word no no how is your honor we meant to convey that he sharted he had shots yeah i was trying to think of like yeah there were a lot of things along the way

that that didn't make sense and that's part of why it's taken so long for this thing to come to its, its conclusion was that there was a lot along the way, it looked like this thing might get thrown out several times. I think that's part of why we went from state to federal is that the state wasn't going to be able to really prosecute the case because of, I think their search warrant, whereas the, the feds would be able to prosecute a case because of that, because of the guns. Now, Kyle, has this changed your view on law enforcement at all? No, I've always liked like police.

I think that's my point. Yeah. All of the law enforcement that I know personally, really nice guys, you know, that I've always liked a lot. And I didn't feel like I was mistreated at any point throughout my time in the system. There was a sheriff's deputy or two who was just kind of a jerk. But for the most part, everybody was really professional and I thought was just doing their jobs. It's really the system that if you have

any qualms with the way things work, it's the system, not the individuals. This is great. Kyle just got fucked over for doing nothing. And Steve's like, what do you think about the law? You know what? I think they're spiffy. I really enjoy all policemen in this system. You know, I felt like I was treated fairly and kindly the whole way.

Wait, I have my answer. I was wearing shorts. I think they are cool. I think that they are neat. I think they are fun. Taylor, blink if they have something on you. Meanwhile, Kyle's just writing shit in a slam book. Kyle, what I'm saying is that like,

I'm not talking about like, okay, were you mad at individual cops? Yeah. Cause, cause you know, a lot of them are, it's law enforcement.

They are enforcing shitty laws, but like the idea of the trumped up charges the like the charges for shit you didn't do the fake arrest warrant the like the multiple charges for the same thing because you know because that way they get you to plead down the the bullshit that this is even illegal in the first place like there's so much of it that if I were in your situation would piss me off. And so what I'm saying is you're fairly politically,

you're fairly conservative. But do you think that this system that we have as bullshit needs to be overhauled or you going through it did not change your mind about it at all? I've always been very sort of progressive, socially speaking, whether it came to marijuana or gay rights or whatever, anything like that.

Really, socially speaking, I'm rather progressive. I kind of – if anything, I feel like I'm more of a quasi-libertarian or anything. I always say that not only do I believe in abortion, I believe you should be able to use a gun to do it. Oh, Jesus. Yeah. Not only do I believe in abortion, I believe you should be able to use a gun to do it. You know, I... Oh, Jesus. Yeah, so like, yeah. Another death from the new and terrifying bullet method. Wouldn't that cost two deaths?

Yeah, that's... You're gonna need special baby-killing guns. Now, it was a huge... It was a resounding success until the bullet reached the mother's brain. So yeah, politically speaking, I'm kind of across the board there. Obviously, I like the guns. Obviously, I like the marijuana.

But at the same time, there's not really a candidate that's on board with all that. Bernie Sanders is honestly the closest one to it, and he and he's a socialist. So, uh, you know, it's not like I can vote anyway. So, Hey, but I mean the, but I just mean the court system in general, like the problem that I have, like, I like a lot of what Kamala Harris says, but the problem that I have with her and the reason I wouldn't support her is because of the bullshit she did as a prosecutor and the stuff about like the idea of railroading someone. It's like,

well, we're pretty sure he committed a crime. So let's just find a way to make it look like he committed a crime. Like that's, that's an impressive system. And so what I'm saying is, you know, my lawyer explained that to me,

like from day one, he's like, you know, these people are in the business and it is a business of, of locking people up. You know, it's, it's, it's a, it's a machine that, that puts people in jail. And, uh, and so you kind of have to treat it that way. Um, yeah, I don't like it. You know, I, I didn't enjoy my, my, my time going through it or anything like that. But at the same time, I guess I see the necessity for some parts of it. You know,

the same things that, that we're sort of deriding here and saying, Oh, that's, that's BS. I don't like that. They did that to you. I don't like that.

They did, did this to you. Maybe there's a child molester out there or some guy running a pedophile ring. And you're like, Oh, they charged him for possession of child pornography under eight and possession of child pornography under 12 years old good good they doubled up on it so i actually don't but i actually don't say that i think that the penalty for one of them should be just you know like the penalty for a child pornographer

you know you don't need to charge them double because the penalty for one should be enough but the idea of like someone putting someone in the system in a way that like it's completely unfair it doesn't that doesn't seem like justice to me well i i um you know i i don't know what to say you know i haven't quite finished my stay with the state or yet yet but um but but yeah i didn't enjoy my time throughout the whole thing at all i i but at the same time i didn't feel like again i i felt like everybody was professional and that i wasn't really mistreated and i wasn't uh um sort of it felt like they were trying to make an example out of me at times for sure but um but i don't know it worked out in the end and i damn it kyle how come your life doesn't fit my narrative?

You know, I'm sure you could find a whole lot of people who would fit right in there nicely. There was about eight or nine of them there today. And I couldn't be a judge. I'd be the most lenient judge ever. These people had sob stories, you know, like the one girl cried. One girl cried. He gave her two years. Was she also drug-related? Yeah, this was her third methamphetamine offense. Her three children are there sitting in front of me.

Her mother's sitting in front of me. Probably just a little meth, though, right? Not a whole diesel truck filled. 5.8 ounces. It was actually so much meth that it came out in her tears. She was crying tears of solid crystalline. Is that a lot of meth? Five ounces sounds like a lot of meth. Is that a lot of math? Five ounces sounds like a lot of math. It's a lot of math.

Not 12,000 gallons, though. No, those guys. When my lawyer heard that, he went... He went, he's going away. I remember Nate Newton. He was a football player. He was a guy in the dallas cowboys and he got arrested for transporting it was i think it was 430 pounds of pot and i like did the math on it i was like pots made of leaves how the fuck much pot

it's 430 pounds and he couldn't just take 10 less pounds for the memes? Think of the memes, Nate. Think of the memes. That's a lot. That's a lot. That's like a whole, whole lot. That might be a box truck. Not quite a box truck. More like the back of a pickup truck, maybe, though. 400 pounds.

The bottom of the bed. It's a lot. Yeah, imagine trying to fill trash bags with leaves until it hits 430 pounds. How much pot did Bill Murray get caught with back in the day? Let me see what his charge was, because it was not a small amount. Bill Murray.

It's so insane that you can still get in trouble for pot. Oh, sorry. It was 213 pounds of pot and then another 175 later so it was uh it was about 400 pounds but it was in two different stops bill murray had 10 pounds of marijuana at the airport at the airport yeah he was trying to fly with it he was trying to fly with 10 pounds of marijuana i mean this is probably like in the 80s right it was the year was 1970 1970 yeah you guys know about you know how he got caught this is hilarious he made the mistake of telling one of his fellow passengers that he quote was carrying two bombs in his suitcase fucking fucking doing testing some improv out on the fuck i got two bombs in here like you don't

say that if you've got 10 pounds of marijuana in there do you know about like flying at that time by the way woody's wearing shorts for the rest uh own a pair of jeans so uh back in the day there there was a there's a podcast i listened to about hijackings were so common that they actually had a fake cuba airport built in florida holy shit so that so that when someone was like would hijack a plane and be like take me to cuba they would just land at that airport in florida and make it seem like they were there like that's how common it was it was brilliant it was i i think it was like hundreds a year it was crazy like when when you think about what air what air travel is now like hijacking was just a thing that people did yeah like and so the idea

of bill murray flying with that much pot in 1970 it sounds like a thing that like people just treated air airplanes as like flying buses like yeah i want to say tim allen got caught with an enormous amount of cocaine yeah you're 100 right and tim allen the weirdest part about him being super conservative now is that it was government programs that prevented him from going to jail forever because he yeah actually, that's when he was starting comedy. He got arrested for like tons of cocaine and he flipped and ratted out everyone. And so he was stuck in the state of Michigan for a while. And then he was just doing stand-up like within Michigan.

Because like Kyle, he could not leave without permission. And so, yeah, so that's how he got his career started that's pretty cool and then just like a you know cool guy of the week 15 years he may very well be cool yeah but uh then just 15 years later he's doing uh he's doing home improvement toy story 4 coming soon everybody hyped do you know uh do you know who roy wood jr is no roy wood jr i'm now roy wood one of the i mean just an amazing amazing comic and he's he's one of the correspondents for the daily show now but he's someone who's gonna absolutely break pretty soon like his stand-up is unbelievable it's like next level shit what's he look like but he uh roy wood he's a he's a

black guy has kind of a round face, smiles a lot. Not really heavy. But anyway, the way he started was he was in college and he was doing all these petty crimes where he and his friends were committing credit card fraud. They had someone help them in a department store where they would like take some of the jeans and return them even though they hadn't bought them and like all kinds of shit like that and like i think passing bad checks maybe and like a bunch of like small crimes that for college students gave them more money than they'd ever seen before

non-violent crimes not violent crimes and he uh he got a victimless crimes except the people they stole from but the uh he got arrested and in the month or so he was waiting for like to find out if he his sentencing he basically was like well i've always thought about doing stand-up fuck it this is my last chance so he did it a couple of times and then the judge let him off with probation and by then he was like all right i guess i'm a comic now and that's how we got to start that's interesting yeah he decided to use the time the time he thought he had the only time he thought he had left so my point is kyle what is it you're going to do with your probationary time um well i've i've been doing

it i've been getting very good at video games. Oh, see? Yeah. I'm pretty excited about PUBG. Like, this is completely taking a left turn. Steve probably has no idea what PUBG even is. I do not. Huge update to PUBG. Just lots of stuff's coming soon.

It's a video game that I like to play. So I'm real excited about that. What kind of video game is it? First person shooter. 100 people drop. It's a battle royale. 100 people drop onto an island they they quickly loot and find guns armor weapons they fight until there's only one man left oh i played i played one of those uh probably play fortnight no it wasn't fortnight it was uh it was probably two two no two years ago it was the thing that like everybody was it was uh not everybody was... Not Daisy. You scramble for stuff.

Probably PUBG. It's probably what I'm describing. Did you drop out of an airplane at the start? Yes. Yeah, that's PUBG. What are the other names for it? Player Unknown's Battlegrounds. What's the H1Z1?

That would have been two years ago-ish. No, that's even farther back. PUBG's two years ago. It's called Player Unknown's Battlegrounds. Whatever it was, it was fucking two years ago um it's called player unknowns battlegrounds um or whatever it was it was fucking fun yeah it's real fun i play on pc um you know i i got into pc gaming late in life a lot of the guys who are really good at it seems like they've been playing since early childhood like their dads have set up land centers in their basements and shit like that but i really enjoy it a lot um i think i'm gonna go back and play some more sea of thieves

that pirate game that i was playing a couple years ago that i shit all over and talked about how bad it is apparently in the last two years they've improved it a ton i've been watching summit uh play that on twitch a lot and he's just hilarious at it he uh he boards enemy ships stows away waits until they collect all this treasure that's really difficult to acquire treasure, and he's like hiding, literally hiding on the boat. And he's like talking to his friends who are following in their ship, just out of sight, like over the horizon.

And at the perfect moment, he springs his attack and like sinks their ship with explosives and takes all of their loot. And his friends show up just at the perfect time, and they just take all the things from these children. And it's hilarious. It's real fun to watch. It's like legit heists.

Yeah. It's like piracy. It's like, and like a lot of the times you can hear the enemies like discussing what they're doing, you know, and talking about what they're doing. And there's like this,

it's a pirate ship. So like, there's this map on the pirate ship and he can go over and look at the map and he can determine what mission or quest they're out on. And there are some quests that like you only get once or you have to earn the right to do and they're very, very profitable. Like it might be many, many hours of someone's time

that they're only allowed to attempt once and he'll wait till like they finish it. They just finished all of their work and they've got these three glowing green chests of gold sitting on the floor. And the whole time he's been literally laying down under a table or behind a chair and he just springs into action and like blows up their ship and steals all their things.

It's, it's a lot of fun to watch. So I'm going to play some more of that. That sounds kind of awesome. Yeah. It's a, it's, it's a pirate game.

It's called CFDs. It's on Xbox, but, uh, and that's the other thing that's, that's interesting. There's a big skill gap. Yeah, it's a pirate game. It's called Sea of Thieves. It's on Xbox, and that's the other thing that's interesting. There's a big skill gap. With a mouse and keyboard, you can be very precise with aiming, and you can do a lot of things that you can't do with an Xbox controller, and this is a cross-platform game, so the PC guys are beating up on the Xbox guys. It's, it's, it's a lot of fun to do, but yeah, I haven't acquired any new talents or anything other than patience. Uh, which is a good one.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm very patient. Um, you know, just, just sitting around and waiting on, on,

uh, all this to be over for the last two years. Uh, congratulations. Yeah. How big is the relief? Like when you heard two months were you dancing inside

were you yeah I was pretty happy I was pretty happy you know I went in prepared for to get the full six months or whatever potentially like I sort of mentally prepared myself for that and but also knowing that it could be zero but also knowing that maybe they throw some curveball and they try to like

railroad me or something like that. I, you know, you never know. Um, so, so yeah, I was,

uh, I got sued, um, for someone, someone else broke a contract and then sued me for it. And I had never been through the legal system before. And it was ridiculous. And I was talking to the lawyer and I was like,

we have all this evidence. We have all these emails, all these things that I was like desperately And I was talking to the lawyer and I was like, we have all this evidence. We have all these emails, all these things that I was like desperately trying to get him to sign a contract he never did. And now he's suing me for breaking a contract he never signed. And the lawyer basically was like, well, you are probably going to win, but people have lost and won it at better odds. And you never know if you're yeah like yeah and you never know if you're gonna win you never know if you're gonna lose and what ended up happening was a judge basically threw out all of his claims and said this is preposterous and then was like but you should probably pay his rent for three months we were like but but why and she's like you, because it's folksy and we're in Tennessee. Like it was it was so ridiculous.

I sentenced you to be his butler. That's what it was. That's what it was. Because he's my butler. Because he's my butler. Yeah. Yeah. It can.

I'm about to sue someone myself. I've been waiting for this whole thing to wrap up. I can't talk about it for obvious reasons. Oh no. Yeah, that's right, Steve. I've had enough of your defamation of my character. And we'll be suing you in the state of California.

It's going to be rough. We're going to sue someone who didn't do a good job at something they were supposed to do. Don't give too many details. someone uh someone we're gonna sue someone um who who uh didn't do a good job at uh it's something they were supposed to do and uh don't give too many details of course not i know i'm joking i'm the tight-lipped one i ain't gonna spill any any details about this pending lawsuit um but but that'll be good because i'll probably profit quite considerably from that while you're while you're in the halfway houseings going to co-host or who's going to...

I will host! I don't care if I've got to fucking satellite phone in. No, Wings is not going to co-host. I would love it if you could bring your computer to the halfway house and just have... Do you remember when Wings of Redemption had a random cast of characters behind them?

Here's Crazy Joe! He's living with me this week, but he stole all my Coca-Cola. I'm not sure it's going to work out. Right? Remember the guy came by. He was just dressed in a Confederate soldier's uniform for some reason.

I thought that was a Marine Corps uniform. No! There was a Civil War reenactor in the background. I think there was a Civil War reenactor behind him. And people would just show up and they'd have random guests with no mics screaming across the room. Was he doing the worst ever Howard Stern's whack pack? Yes, yes, yes. I have wanted a whack pack for so long.

He has, but you're going to go to a halfway house. There could very well be whack pack material there. There probably will be. I will see if you know Maybe I you know, I don't want to bring those people necessarily back to my home But but but you know, they live there Kyle. I mean You're a nice luck streak. I say go yeah, let's roll the dice Bring the amigos. We're going back to me. Yeah, but see, I don't know what a halfway house is like, apparently.

I picture something like a hotel where there's a hallway with lots of doors on either side and everyone retreats to their own room. I have no idea. I think you have roommates in most of them. Yeah, I may have a roommate. It may be like a full metal jacket scenario where it's just a big room full of beds. I don't know. But again, two months.

I'm interested in... It'll be good stories. I'll come on here and I'll be able to tell you guys what's going on at the halfway house. I'm sure I'm going to meet a lot of interesting people there. That's where they go. That's where they go. They're all going to be drug offenders

based on what are you in here for size i was too interesting for the outside world you know there it's gonna be a lot of that um but yeah yeah uh looking forward to getting my paying my uh debt to society and uh and moving on i'm looking at pictures by the way, and they range from everything from like, oh wow, that's a really nice castle-looking thing to like, look at this fucking shack. Hopefully you get a good one.

On Wikipedia, it kind of looks like a church. I'm having a hard time resizing the image. There's one I see with a picture where it's like one bed per room, and there's one with a full metal jacket situation where there's like or a southern fraternity house where it's like one bed per room and there's one with like a full metal jacket situation where there's like, or a Southern fraternity house where it's like sleeping quarters. Let me read this to people, just it's not long.

A halfway house is an institution that allows people with physical, mental, and emotional disabilities or those with criminal backgrounds to learn the necessary skills to reintegrate into society and better support and care for themselves and then it goes on to talk about how a big component of halfway houses seems to be a therapy um yeah that's all i know wikipedia yeah yeah i think this is gonna be a different thing but but

i don't even know you know like i said i may um and you know which one already no no and again yeah we don't even know if they'll be able to find a bed for me. So there's a whole we'll see what happens next type scenario going on right now. I'm crossing my fingers that two months goes by. They don't find a bed, but they figure that it has been two months, and your time is served. Well, I mean, I think the lawyer said that he's like, you got two months?

You won't do two months. And I was like, you got two months? You won't do two months. I was like, really? Alright! Like time off for good behavior? I have no idea. He just explained that the system is so crammed full and overcrowded. He's like, if you went to prison,

they could take you today. They always got room in prison. But, you know, not in the halfway house. If you aspire to be cool guy of the week, I would love to see a Tinder date back to the halfway house. That takes a certain level of... I know for a fact that's not allowed. But if you could pull that off, it'd be so legendary. It's hard to get a Tinder date when you live at your parents your parents house but if you could do it from a halfway house i feel like that shows a level

of charm that's rarely seen you just have to find and and by the way no loopholes no like finding the ugliest girl there she needs to be like here yeah the uh by the way i'm looking at some of these pictures some of them look like just like the shittiest garbage dorm rooms. And some of them look like bed and breakfasts. It completely depends on which one you get, I think. So this is also a quick read. A quick read. New patients are admitted in individual rooms providing one-to-one services and programming.

As they become more independent, the dorms become bigger so that by the time the patient leaves, they're living in 50- to 100-person dorms. According to Wikipedia. I'm just going by. Yeah, but the thing is I'm going to be staying for such a short period of time. Yeah, it doesn't seem to fit you. Yeah.

I would imagine I'm going to be in a full metal jacket scenario, hopefully without the soap beatings and, you know, just sort of a big open room with like a dozen beds in it. Is this it almost seems like because you get like halfway houses are necessary for people who are sobering up for people who are like for people who are trying to acclimate back to society let me explain prison for a while so the way it works uh and i think i've explained on the show before but any federal sentence like like if if they let timothy mcveigh go they killed him though yeah that's not a good example any non-death sentence um know, the last six months of any sentence, whether it's rape or kidnapping or whatever, you spend in a halfway house. You know, it's it's makes no sense. It makes perfect sense for like if you've watched Shawshank Redemption. It just doesn't fit Kyle.

Right. What I'm saying is it doesn't make sense as a it makes sense. It makes sense if you need to transition. That's why it's called a halfway house. That is. Yeah, exactly. Like,

like if there's a transition, like if you, if you do five years, it's like, all right, well let's, let's give him four and a half years. And in the last six months,

we're going to transition him, ease him into the real world. He doesn't even know the new emojis. Yeah. He doesn't know the new emojis. This guy doesn't know shit about eggplants. He, he hasn't gotten on the crypto, uh, scene yet. Yeah, he doesn't know the new emojis. This guy doesn't know shit about eggplants. He hasn't gotten on the crypto scene yet. We gotta reintegrate

this guy. Anyone has ever actually used an eggplant emoji to be an eggplant? Like, they're like, hey, what are we having for dinner tonight? It's like, oh, eggplant. Oh, dick. I hate dick. No, no, we're actually having eggplant. Yeah, so... That's not any better. I like eggplant. I do, too, we're actually having eggplant. Yeah. That's not any better. I like eggplant.

I do too, but I still like Joe's joke. Eggplant is the main course. Yes, eggplant parmesan. It's delicious. Eggplant parmesan is great. I can't think of anything, but I think that's just because parmesan is great. That's good as a parmesan leaking over into, because then the eggplant is merely a vessel, a parmesan ship into your mouth. Yeah, it is the lowest

tier of the parmigians. My favorite being chicken parmesan, which I'm amazing at. But veal parmesan is also great. Potato parmesan is also awesome. Yeah, we're going to have a little party tomorrow night to celebrate the end of my legal situation. We killed

a fatted calf. So we sacrificed him to ball. Nice. Are there going to be lots of drugs at this party? Are you insane? Are you insane? Strike two. I'll tell you, I thought

of four jerks like that and said none of them. There will be guards outside keeping even if a skunk wanders too close to shoot it. It's funny. I was at a gas station like eight months back. I get out to pump the gas and I needed gasoline. This wasn't just a routine gasoline trip. I was like, shit, I'm glad I made it.

And I went, is that pot? Yep. Nope yep nope nope i hung it back up and left i hung it back yeah i was like no i can't by the way the reason i'm making these jokes aside from the fact of all the jokes kyle has made at my expense yeah uh is also because i only have to do this with you guys every couple of months you guys have to face him next week. So, like, all the shit that you want to say, I can just say because in a couple months from now, he'll already be out of the halfway house. So it'll all be fine. He'll be good to go. It's not just about the relationship.

You'll be a free man. I censored myself on this topic because, like, I don't know. What if I make a joke that the wrong person listens to or takes the wrong way or doesn't get the context? We just made fun of my heart attack friend. They might not understand that. Yeah. It'll be a very wholesome

family friendly party with some family and friends. Obviously parents have been pretty... The only substance being consumed there? Alcohol. Legal. And the Lord. The Lord will be consumed there alcohol legal and the lord the lord will be consumed there yeah throat deep with the lord i'm not no no balls on the tea bags by the lord yeah you know how it is uh i don't go to church am i getting it wrong that's catholics

not oh sorry we're protestant yeah uh so yeah i'm gonna have a good time tomorrow and i i wouldn't got some steak i'm really happy for you man yeah yeah i'm pretty happy myself i'm just glad it's over it's just taking so long to do uh you know just so long to get it over with and hanging over your head like a guillotine for years i can't imagine the stress like that was it was actually six months to guillotine yeah Yeah, it was more frustrating than anything. It was like, you know, because there were several times along the way where it seemed like today's the last day. You know, we'll sort this out today.

There were a couple of times where that happened. January, not this past January, the January before that. That was supposed to happen. Today's the last day. We'll go in. They'll say this and we'll say that. And we'll agree to this thing in the middle. Probation.

State probation. No big deal. And then it was like, ah, we'll come back in March and we'll be all done. And we come back in March and it's like, well, might be another year. You know who you should have got as your attorney? Johnny Cochran. No. Jeff Hutchinson.

The dude that flips cars that was on the show. What was his name? Vin Wiki. Vin Wiki. We'll meet in the middle. One day at a halfway house. Yeah. Not much negotiation.

I did get to speak before the court quite a bit. This time too? Yeah, every time. No panic attack this time. That was good. I didn't pass out or anything. I wonder. Did you do that in the past? Maybe that would be a good look.

Yeah, I have panic attacks. I don't know if it would be a good look or not. And you clearly cannot use drugs to help your panic attacks. I don't know if it would be a good look or not. And you clearly cannot use drugs to help your panic attacks. No, of course not. That's what they were for. Yeah, the idea that, like, you get arrested for that. And by the way, I know I'm giving you shit for it, and I know also, like, over the, I guess, what, two years or so I've done this podcast,

like, I know we butt heads on stuff but i genuinely when i saw that your sentencing wasn't jail i was really happy like i i did i did not think that you should go to jail for this shit uh i i i think that it was a railroaded garbage thing and i and i think it's so gross that like this is for a thing that everybody knows is not even going to be illegal in a couple of years and it you know it was it was crap and so i'm really glad uh i'm really glad you just you know get sentenced to hang out with people you'd probably hang out with anyway yeah yeah i don't feel like we butt heads most of the time i'm just playing devil like woody's like woody's look i'm like am i the only one that got that okay let's go with me. I would never voluntarily butt heads with you, first of all.

Death sentence, right away. Absolutely. I would destroy you. I thought you were talking to Taylor. Oh my god. It goes without mentioning, I am a titan of headbutts. I would love to see that face off. Taylor against a ram. Headbutts only. An immovable object I would love to see that face off. That would be like an anime battle.

Headbutts only. An immovable object versus an unstoppable force. Most of the time I'm just playing devil's advocate, and I like to argue with the side no matter how poorly. I bet you're going to meet some cool cats in that halfway house. I doubt it. I'm just trying to be positive. I'm sure I'll meet some interesting

people. Like that little stint I did in jail, you know, for those three or four days. Really interesting people in there. The real sentence. The real sentence was the friends we made along the way. It was the whole journey. We had a show that night. If only you could have brought

your gear, we'd have done a collaborative episode. To jail. My gear to jail. I had a show that night. If only you could have brought your gear, we'd have done a collaborative episode. To jail. My gear to jail. Yes. I had a situation where a distant family member that I was kind of helping with got some ridiculous fake assault charges. Where someone pulled a weapon on him and then said he did it. And so he had to go through central booking even though he got completely acquitted he still had to spend a day in central booking and he uh has asperger's and it was you know this was not a good situation and so i did

all this research on what central booking in new york is like by the way spoiler fucking terrifying and so uh i all by himself through the process all by himself and so i mean no one could go in with him i don't know and so yeah so basically one of the things i said like he's allowed to bring in a couple of books so like i got him some books of stuff he'd be interested to pass the time but he was also allowed to bring in quarters for phone calls and so i got him a fuck ton of quarters and basically it was like, anyone who needs a quarter, you give them one, like anyone who wants to make a phone call, this is how you're going to make friends. And so, uh, there was one guy I got to talk to him during the day. Like he called me and he said,

there was one guy who was being kind of nice to him. And I was like, can you put that guy on the phone? And so he like gave that guy the phone and I talked to the guy and i was like can you put that guy on the phone and so he like gave that guy the phone and i talked to the guy and i was like hey man thank you for looking out for him can i send you 50 bucks as a thank you and you you know just kind of see him through this and make sure he's okay and the guy was like yeah absolutely that'd be great you don't need to do that but thank you i was like all right where do i send it and the guy just goes well i'm not getting out of jail for a very long time so uh here's here's a lady i know and like gave me western union information for some lady so then i try to

wire her the money and it doesn't work so i called the number he gave me and some other dude answers and so now i'm like oh fuck what what what the hell am i in the middle of funny story yeah your friend Carlo Carlo? you've been talking to Carlo? get your ass over here that's what it was and I'm like how the fuck am I in the middle of this right now you have no attachment to Carlo screaming in the background

I'm like I don't know Mr. Carlo I'm just trying to Carlo's a bitch you tell him I said he's a bitch you know what you can have the money a bitch you tell him i said he's a bitch yeah be like you know what you could have the money sir if you'd like it just take it yeah it's not it's not felix so did the quarters thing turn out to be a really good idea or something that didn't go anywhere a really good idea it actually helped him a ton that's how he made friends with that guy and that guy kind of because look he, he's, he was younger,

but he also looked a lot younger than he was. And, and he also like there's functional Asperger's and then there's like pretty Asperger Asperger's and that's what he has. And so he is someone who like, if you know what you're dealing with, he's very easy to talk to, but if not,

it could be, he can be incredibly socially awkward. And so I think that once he helped that guy like the guy was like okay this guy is going to be like a little brother and he helped take care of him so the quarters thing worked in that situation i don't know if it would work in every situation i don't know if there'd be a situation where someone would just be like give me all your quarters and he's like well that's over uh in our situation like when i was in jail we had these bracelets that had like your, your jail, what was it?

Your jail number, whatever the fuck. And you go over to the phone and you put your jail number in. And you could just use the phone. I think the phone was free. But you also used that jail number to access your- Was it an inmate number? Yeah, something like that. But you're in jail, so you're not-

I think it's the wrong terminology i okay you know we're in the south they call they call it a jail number um one guy has 69 420 and he's like the coolest guy in jail yeah my jail number was smudged and didn't work not even i was just like who do i talk to about getting a new jail number? Can I see the supervisor, please? And I'm like, but the jail number? And you're caught. So what were the living arrangements like in jail? Did you have a room to yourself? Oh, no.

Go on. Oh, no. It is a large, open, cavernous room with two levels where you go up some steps and there's another landing. Duplex. Duplex. And little alcoves. If you can imagine that. It's concrete block construction.

So four cots. Bottoms and top bunks. Are in each alcove. And then there's room in between. To put your cubby. Everybody's got a plastic tote. With all their shit in it. Everybody gets a towel, a washcloth,

some toothpaste, that basic shit. When you first said for bottoms and tops, I was like, oh, they match you guys up. You fill that out when you get there. Like an open floor plan and you go in there and some people you're close to and some people are down the way

but you can see across the sea of bunks. It's a weirdly shaped one. This guy's a twink personal. It's a twink. This is like the work environment at Cisco, except it's bunks instead of

cubes. And you don't even get paid to be there. There's a couple tables as soon as you're outside. And also you have no freedom or view of the outside. No, that's... The window was so barred up and gross that you couldn't see the outside world. But we had cable TV, which was great

because the North Korean missile crisis was going on. So everybody in there was glued to that. How many nights did you stay? Three, maybe. Something like that. I many nights did you stay? Three maybe, something like that. I slept the whole time. Got real rested up. Lost like 15 pounds.

It was a good stay. And you have to like shit in front of everybody? I didn't shit the whole time I was there. I'm going to be honest with you. You know, I didn't shit the whole time I was there. Hypothetically, you would have had to. Well, not in the open. You got like a curtain. You got like a okay there's like some

privacy like like actually no no there were uh there were stalls there were like two or three stalls with toilets in them um and there was uh like a shower with like like like one person could get in at a time with a with a shower maybe two showers with shower hypothetically could two also get in yeah yeah at the bottom yeah i don't think nobody was really interested in uh in joining anybody uh in in there uh everybody it's the first day but they were cool guys for me it was the first day but for some of them they'd been in there for so look it you know get arrested, and as long as you didn't do something crazy, they'll give you bond. And the way bond works, you often hear it on the news, like, oh, $50,000 bond. And you're probably like, who has $50,000 lying around? Maybe not everybody.

Bail bondsmen, right? Bail bondsmen. You pay like 10%. It's all you have to come up with, And he foots the rest of the bill. And you can do property bonds. And sometimes it's just a signature bond. You're basically signing and saying, hey, if I run away, you can sell my car.

That sort of thing. But if you have 50 grand, you can just give them 50 grand and then they give it back to you when you go to court, right? Oh, yeah. Is it like a security deposit's like a security deposit deposit yeah exactly for people and that's what it's actually a similar amount of that's a similar

bounty hunter and that's what bounty hunters do you know they people put it up 50 grand you only put five in they're making sure you go to court they're forcing you to go to court so they can get that 50 back that's their business yeah absolutely they're they're on sure you go to court they're forcing you to go to court so they can get that 50 back that's their business they're on the hook for that and if you run they go find you they come and get your ass yeah for sure or they at least attempt to and

so there was this one guy in there who'd been denied bond because he had fled the last time they gave him bond and he was a real numbskull this guy was maybe 23-24 years old his teeth were He had fled the last time they gave him bond. And he was a real numb skull. This guy was maybe 23, 24 years old. His teeth were rotted out of his fucking head from methamphetamine. And he was like, they won't give me bond.

They know better. He's like proud of it. He's like, they know better. Last time they caught me, I was almost to Boston, Massachusetts. You know, if you can make it to Boston, they can't bring you back. In my head, I'm like... Boston doesn't have an extradition treaty.

If we were... That's what he's about to explain. Right? If we were in the free world, or if you said that shit to me, I'd be like, dumbass, yeah, unless you go to a country without extradition

treaties with us they'll just drag your ass back dude i'm tired of all these fucking criminals ruining the city because of the no expedition thing it's a major it's a major oversight but we're in jail but we're in jail patriots fans come from we're in jail so I'm just like oh really interesting yeah I almost made it last time best you not turn me loose again or I'll

when's your court date oh shit four more months how long have you been in here a month and a half four more to go and I'm like you could have been you been in here? He's like a month and a half, four more to go. And I'm like, you could have been at home with your mother. Yeah. And instead you're in here trading fucking boiled eggs for Snickers.

You could have been at home doing a mess with your mother. That is the hard part about me. Hypothetically being in prison. I daydream about this and wonder how it would work out. I don't know if other people do that too. But it's like, I would handle a guy like that, right? Nine times out of ten. Nine times out of ten, I'd bite my lip or bite my tongue, whatever it is, and

just not say what I'm thinking. With the teeth that you have. Right? I wouldn't explain what an extradition treaty is and how stupid he is. But one time out of ten, I might. And I don't know that I could do 15 years with that kind of problem.

I'm good at making friends. Steve's with me, though. Steve, come on. I had no poker face. I didn't tell this last time I talked about this, but I was so tight with the black guys, I used the N-word. They were cool.

I tried that three weeks ago not not good and there was no r and now now just you could have been the token white guy in the black guy gang in prison you could have been a crip and then you would have had even better stories when you got out he he was we were talking about music you could have fought against white supremacy he was talking about music and and i was like i really like jay-z you know i we're talking about rappers i like jay-z he's like what's your favorite track and i was like well all of them they're all so good it's hard to narrow it down. And I was like,

I'm trying not to say it. And he's like, well, how does it go? And I'm like, well... And it's that one song. Let me just find the title. I'm making it easier. 99 Problems. I think he's saying that. The one I like is... He's like, here's a hundredth.

Let me find the actual title. It's called The Story of OJ. Now, I'm just going to copy paste in like one line of the lyrics. All right. Just so you guys are getting a sense for what this song is like. It's called The Story of OJ.

Oh, no. You can't sing that in prison. I sang that in jail. You sang this in jail. I'm about to show it to everyone. I mean, if you feel comfortable with that. We're not going to say it. Well, I don't know if you should show it.

He asked me. I mean, I probably shouldn't have said it in jail, but he asked me. All right, I'm about to. I told him. Light N-bomb, dark N-bomb, slow N-bomb, real N-bomb, rich N-bomb, real N-bomb, rich N-bomb, poor N-bomb, house N-bomb, field N-bomb. And so I'm just sort of like singing this for this gentleman,

and he's like, oh yeah, that shit's tight. And I was like, oh man. Do you know? I mean, Kyle is right that if you get asked what your favorite Jay-Z song is in prison, if you lie,

you actually have to spend three more days in prison. Yes, that's true. Yeah, you couldn't just say any of his other songs. You had to say that one. You could have taken someone safe. I'm a big Bruno Mars fan. No, because then he definitely would have gotten

beaten up. And you know how human nature is. Immediately we had to identify who the other was. I felt like that was important for me. It's important that I'm not the other. There is some socioeconomic disparity in this jail that I'm in right now. And I could potentially be seen as the other. And that's no good. But I found a child molester. And we made him the other. They were like, you know what he's in here for

and i was like what what's that motherfucker in here it'd be great if they were just like pot and he had guns from his youtube channel and you're like oh i've heard of him let's get him i'm glad we're hanging out with you. Just a normal ass child molester. And you have to pretend to not be the YouTube guy. Hell yeah. And so I was like, what? He's like, he got caught with an eight-year-old girl with her pants down. And I was like, fuck.

He's like, yeah, I don't like that shit. And I was like, I don't like that shit neither. As we go, my voice is completely changing. You're code switching. I'm freezing cow! You just start becoming an extra from Do The Right Thing. Absolutely. Yes.

Yes. And by the end of it, I'm going to be honest, I had made some friends in there and I was like hey do you need some money in your commissary like yeah I could really use a little I'm hooking people up I'm putting money in everybody's commissary

that could be a mistake according to the YouTube channels I watch but he was leaving maybe they keep milking you for money or something like that you shouldn't even let them know that you you have that kind of capability to do that yeah yeah yeah well in this scenario again it was jail everybody was in there for lie defenses i you know i knew a lot of these people like i don't run with a rough crowd but i know a lot of

people and i imagine you're getting so comfortable with them that by the end you're like, all right, see you guys. Actually, can I sing the song one more time? Also, I'm not going to see you guys later.

You are all stuck in here. Yeah. I literally recognized one, two, three, three people in there. I knew three of the guys that were in there with me, um,

to let different extents, you know, one guy I'd played little Baseball with. One guy was the boyfriend of my friend's sister, if that makes sense. I'd seen him around. I'd hung out with him a little bit before, maybe two or three times. I knew him to speak to him and everything. He was pretty cool. The guy that I was singing to, he was the biggest guy in there

and uh and and and he and i became pretty good friends i like that guy like like they were all in there for like nonsense for you know not all of them there was the child molester you had um you spoke today in court yeah can you tell us what you said or is that not a good topic um you know i uh i i i said that you know this was a this is the stupidest thing i've ever done um uh you know this was uh you know i explained the hardships that this has sort of put on me and the stresses and and how it's affected my family and my friends and how their stress and i explained why they weren't there today i i asked everybody nobody i didn't want anyone to come a lot of people wanted to come and I told them I didn't want them there. And, uh, you know, what, what sort of explained how this whole process has, uh, affected me and, uh, and, you know, showed some

remorse, remorse for, for sort of what I'd done and, and, and that, you know, I definitely regret what I, what I did. And, and, uh, and, and, uh, you know regret what I did and explained what the future was going to be. That I wanted to get this over with and move on to the future and that I accept whatever ruling that you give me. But just so you know, I feel like I've been punished quite a bit already. So something along those lines, I guess. And again, didn't pass out this time that was

swell uh held it together well enough uh for you i wonder what if impact because if i'm a judge and the guy passes out i'm like i don't give a shit well we cannot be sending him to prison yeah they don't give a shit i passed out last time they're like they just got me a chair they don't fucking care okay well you'd like it better if i was your judge. I mean, like, he's just a sweetie. You know, he's not built for this. Yeah, I passed out back in, what was it, 2008 too, in court that time. They had to drag me out of the courtroom that time. They had to, like, grab me by my belt and, like, drag me out for that charge.

That was a concealed weapons charge that I was acquitted for, by the way. I was arrested, even though I had my concealed carry permit for having a concealed weapon. So you carried a concealed weapon while being a concealed permit holder? Yeah. You devil, you. If that had happened a few years later, there would have been quite the lawsuit. That was an absolutely false arrest. That was a nonsense situation that I was acquitted for.

Why a couple years later? Because you would have had the means to sue? Or because... I'd have had the connections to... I'd have had the connections to really make something happen. Yeah. Yeah. There have definitely been times in my life where, like, if I went through shit now, I would have handled it differently.

Like, because you have resources as you get older. You have – whether it's connections or whether it's money, just to not be screwed over. Yeah, I defended myself in court on that one. I didn't hire an attorney because I thought it was such an open and shut thing. And plus I was 21 years old, and I didn't want to tell my parents that I was in trouble. So I just defended myself and I, not to brag, this is kind of like that thing I do with the doctor where I diagnose myself online and then go, I did enough online research to,

to, to effectively get Scott and I out of prison because the judge didn't know the law. He was like, well, this was carrying at a public gathering and i was like walmart is not a public gathering yes it is and i'm like according to the georgia attorney general and like if i hadn't brought that paperwork i think they'd have railroaded us back in fucking 2008. You know?

I also like the idea of you going to the doctor and be like, clearly I have vaginal cancer. Oh, wrong page. Let me take a look. Pervert. Just give me the meds. According to the attorney...

Wait, wrong pamphlet. I've been through a lot, okay? Where's my manipulate doctors into giving me things pamphlet i've been through a lot okay where's my manipulate doctors into giving me things pamphlet um but yeah uh we we probably talk about something different i think i think i have a topic oh do we have an ad maybe before the topic yeah let's hit that before we jump off to the next one um shit turo is a peer-to-peer car sharing marketplace where you can book any car you want, wherever you want it, from a community of local hosts. Turo is available in over 5,500 cities across the United States, Canada, and the UK, as well as Germany, with over 9 million users worldwide.

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to share. I picked the car I picked because it was a preferred host and he would take it right to the airport for me and we'll see how it goes. That's convenient. Right to the airport. Nice. Before you change topic real quick, it should be cool. Right to the airport. So. Nice. Copy.

Can I, before you change topic real quick, is no one going to comment on my suite studio that I built? No. I liked your name on there. Thank you. That's my, I made it for my YouTube shit. It looks very nice. Thank you.

Okay, moving on. All right. No, I just, I built the whole thing with the wall, and I got the shit die cut and all that, and I'm very happy. What's that to the left of your name? I can't see because of the angle. It's all shiny. Oh, so it's a, it's my logo is a YouTube play button with my glasses on it.

Oh, okay. But it's an orange one instead of the red because, you know. Because of the orange hair. Yeah, because I like to eat oranges. So it's a. Well, that's good. We all like the suit hats. Yeah. Yeah, that's why. Yeah, because I like to eat oranges. So it's a... We all assume that. Yeah, that's why. So this is a patron AMA question.

Ask me anything. There's a level, I don't know where it is, $10 or something. $10. Okay, where people can ask us questions and we answer them on the show. So here we are. This is mainly for Taylor, but Kyle can chime in. Long story short, recently single from a five-year relationship i had a glow up was ugly now i'm sexy as fuck i'm dating two girls whom i both

have a connection with do i cut one off or should i keep playing it out to see where it goes keyword dating for you guys out there who don't know what that means If you want to see how sexy I am Then he gives this Instagram handle Or just roast me I don't care So I looked him up I don't need to know what he looks like I can start roasting already This isn't a roast

Where did you get that He said the words He said if you want to see how sexy I am Or just roast me Did he say both dating them, or dating both of them? Which did he... I am dating two girls whom I both have a connection with.

I both have a connection with. Good looking guy, lifting heavy, good for him. Semiliterate. That's positive. I've got a little dog there. Look at that little dog. Oh, it's a little dog. I's a little dog i don't know how did he say how old he is uh he looks like he's about 20 he looks like he's early 20s or 25 i would say

don't rush yourself into anything you know just keep enjoying yourself and then if one of those girls strikes your fancy a little bit more, maybe you go exclusive with her, but you're, you just said you just experienced a glow up, which means you used to be not desirable. Now you are. And so don't, don't cash that,

that check too early, you know, look around, make sure you're happy with who you're with. You know, don't go, ah, I can nail this down right now because then you might

later be like oh damn well that other girl yeah i didn't really give her a fair shake did i you know so that's what you want to do i'd say that i oh sorry go ahead what you want to do here i'm sure we've all seen power rangers right you know they oh yeah yeah yeah they get in their suits they fight the putties then. Then the bad guy would supersize himself. The putties, that's what they were called. I know, I forgot about that. Want to see where this is going?

And then each of the characters would turn into their, not turn into, but they'd get in their vehicle. There was a bunch of vehicles and then they would all combine. What was the thing called that they combined into voltron uh cheap that's a different thing megatron is transformers yeah they didn't combine into

megatron wait maybe they did it was a cheap knockoff of voltron even though it's the same company it's saban it's it's vital to this joke that i know what was the power rangers i thought this whole thing was going to lead toward you telling him to was the power rangers i thought this whole thing was gonna lead toward you telling him to fuck the pink ranger thing was it um the pink ranger no megazord megazord she is a megazord pink ranger did porn if you want to look that up i think she's dead now though so it's it's it's kind of she was wonderful and we miss her dearly a little bit funny. What was funny is if you think about how racist that show was, Asian Ranger, yellow. The Red Ranger,

Native American. Black Ranger's black. Pink Ranger's the girl. The White Ranger was a white dude with a ponytail, like a traditional douchebag. Anyway. Was he in charge, too? I think as kids, that was kind of helpful.

Was he in charge, too? I think, for kids, that was kind of helpful. All right, kids, we're going to show you a few life lessons today. This is the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Where you spin it and the cow says, moo. It was that, but for people. The Red Ranger says, how? In the background, there's a non-fighting Jewish Ranger pulling all the strings.

Yeah. There's a non-fighting Jewish Ranger pulling all the strings. Oh, God. Is it wearing blue and white? That was the idea. Big Star David on there. They had that.

Well, I wish you guys the best of luck yeah like Zordon or whatever remember the little robot that was back in the fucking base all the time with that big dis-shaped head that was the Jewish character for sure so what I'm getting at here my friend you don't pick one girl

or the other oh right that's what this was about you don't date two girls you create a Megatron. You're going to... You want to combine these women. Plug bitch one into bitch two's pussy. That's going to be part of it.

And stand up. That's going to be part of it. You want to work on a three-way type scenario. So what you're going to want to do is sort of... And you got to be kind of smooth to pull this off. It's not going to happen. He didn't even know how to use the word both. I'm assuming that your ladies are on a similar reading level to you.

He's like, I want to both fuck of you. Watch American Psycho. He is okay with this. because that guy is alpha as fuck you get you invite both those gals over dory you don't tell them that another one's coming over and then you have one of them naked by the time the other one arrives then you get the other one naked because she'll she'll feel the energy a natural little competition will build with the girls and then make her go take a bath you can start staying lines directly from the movie yeah and then also be like do you like huey lewis in the news and like stuff like that it'll be hilarious they're probably too young to get it

and you can be like you know get naked on all fours don't just stare at it eat it wire coat hanger they're gonna know that you mean business i like the idea that he quotes lines from the movie but not from the right scene like why has he been talking about business cards for six minutes i was just but i didn't know the fucking line um my real my real advice to this guy my real advice to this guy is alright you genuinely like both of these girls think about

like if one of them got pissed at you for finding out you were dating the other one and how you would feel if you would feel oh well well then you don't need to worry if you would feel oh shit I don't want to lose her well then that's the one that you should be dating that's good advice if you don't feel like that with either one of well then that's the one that you should be dating. That's good advice.

If you don't feel like that with either one of them, then just fucking keep doing what you're doing. Even better advice, though, have a cook-off. I can see why he said mainly for Taylor. This is genius. You need a cook-off for it, and then you can go around and yell at him.

What about a girlfriend Olympics with multiple categories? So now I have to watch women try and play sports? No. Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum You have to carry the flag out the whole way!

They each get to pick each other's game. Make it fair. All right. So question for the forum here. Or the quorum. Either works.

These are good ideas. Back when I was young, you mostly dated one person at a time. If you were dating two women at the same time, then you were kind of a two-timer. Like you were cheating on one. Literally. like like you know you were cheating on one literally is it super normal now that you just assume not to be exclusive like what you need to know about the way he's saying definitely assume not it's not that it's an exclusive thing it's more like oh i there are two girls that i'm going out to dinner with right now and doing i'm sure he's maybe he's fucking him maybe he's not like

he hasn't he didn't specify that. I'm sure he is. He got a guitar. He wouldn't be saying it, unless he's a real scumbag, he wouldn't be saying it the way he is unless there was an established understanding of not being exclusive. See, that's the thing. I feel like it's flipped, because way back in

the Roman times, you had to sort of lay out that you weren't exclusive. Really going back. Yeah, that my childhood. I'm trying to pretend I'm extra old. But anyway, so when I was young, you would have to almost be like, you know, of course, that

we're still just trying people on for size and seeing if this works. If you didn't say anything, then it would be assumed to be kind of exclusive. I feel like that's flipped around. Now you have to say something to assume that you're not dating anyone else yeah that's that's like the next step there's a that that's a that's an entire step in relationships and dating is the the statement of exclusivity and uh and it's and it's a mistake um if you if you've taken that step you've essentially tripped so you've fallen yeah like i don't know why you're looking

for that you know necessarily like what ideally you want some sort of free love type scenario where you got several ladies you know i was talking to my therapist about this a while back and she's like there's a lot of different ways to have a relationship and i was like tell me about it no no really tell me tell me about it sometimes i i fuck my patience lots of different ways when i was uh when i was in high school uh and just the just the naivety of this looking back on it like i didn't know you could date multiple people at once and so i was a junior in high school. It was like the end of junior year. And there was this girl,

I went to this party and there was this girl I just ended up talking to pretty much all night. And we like made out a little bit. And so then like two days later we're talking and she's like, so what are we? And I was like, well, what do you mean?

Of course we're, of course we're, we're boyfriend and girlfriend. And she took it as confidence of being like, of course you'd want to be my girlfriend. And thus was impressed by it. But really, it was just me being a total idiot. Of me being like, what do you mean? You kissed me. Aren't we together forever?

That's all I knew. And it ended up working accidentally because she misunderstood me yeah i have a video okay i'm sorry i'm sorry if you if you had more to expound upon you have a video of this which this is a good video all right the fighting one this is one of the fighting ones this is okay found the guy who stole his bike. You will want some audio for this. What I like the most about this is that this gentleman knows the value of stretching out before combat. Gotta respect that. Yeah.

Alright, I'm ready to watch people get beat up. Alright, I'm opening it up right now. It's right above. Hell yeah! Alright, I'm ready to start it. I'm sorry, I'm the slowest one this time. I'm working on it. That's okay. We're in a happy mood tonight.

Our boy Kyle, free as a, well, not free as a bird, pretty free. Free as a bird that's in a halfway house. Free enough. Free as a bird in a cage. For people watching, there's about 30 links and i looked

at them all three times i don't know what i'm it's called found the guy who stole his bike here i'll link it again oh lol this guy gets his bike back it has to be that one yeah yeah okay A whole subreddit called Fight Porn. Fight Porn. I think it's adorable. How many people like Fight Porn? Sorry, go ahead. I think it's adorable how un-Reddit savvy Taylor is.

It's absurd. What do you do with your free time? There's a subreddit called Fight Porn. There's like five of them that I like a lot and then when i've looked at the new post for the day on that one i'm done with reddit r slash st louis blues r slash blues r slash stl blues r slash hockey r slash nature is metal r slash nature is fucking lit and then uh there's at least one other one that's funny there's a whole one here for people who doctor their Instagram photos. Yeah.

That's hilarious, too. That's a good one. I forgot about that until just now. I am ready. Are you guys ready? Yeah, I'm ready. I am ready. Ready, set, play.

Baby in the car. A little backup in case the fight goes wrong. Motherfucker. Look, motherfucker! Couple of kids. Look at him, he's stretching out! Stop, just stop right here. Just stop right here. There's a couple of kids.

He's getting out on the side of the road. Look. Oh! The homeless guy is going into a defensive fetal position. Oh my! He's kicking the shit out of this guy. And he's wearing sandals. Oh, he's just saddening.

He did the ass buster! He's giving him some low-file. Double hammer fists. Oh, he's giving him that Captain Kirk. What's the guy saying? All right. I'm sorry. I was being stupid.

He's going Mario Brothers 2 on this dude. Oh, man. He gave him two ass busters. Now, for the non-visual side of our audience, let me describe what an ass buster entails. This homeless gentleman is lying on the ground in the fetal position, not because he got hit, because that is what he goes to in a self-defense scenario. Not a good idea with a man who's actually pissed off at you, though, and just wants his bike back. He is jumping into the air and falling ass first onto this homeless man.

He does it twice. Can I just point out also, the footage is being filmed from the back seat where the kids are. One of the kids is filming this. Daddy fucking him up. That kid's got a steady hand. Good for him.

Yeah. By the way, I hear an echo. I know someone's mic is picking up the show. It's got to be Taylor. My bad. It's because Taylor can't wear his headphones on both ears because of the size of his skull.

Understandable. As a fellow four-headed individual, I completely understand. Five-headed individual. Yeah. No, we're five headed individual. Yeah. No, we're trying to, we're trying to stay back.

That's my favorite part. We understand each other's struggle. Yeah. Dude, the stretching, as soon as he sees the guy and he starts doing like the hype up moving around, stretching, almost like he's,

you know, dancing. That's funny. Kyle pointed it out and I didn't see it. So I've been going back looking for it for the crowd. And now we've watched it several times, the stretching. We'd miss it. I have another video to watch.

I want to find another good one on this subreddit, Fight Porn. Here you go. Oh, boy. I don't know what this even is. I watched, oh, man. So you want to click it really quickly and then, oh, shit. Is it just going to autoplay? Click open.

God damn it. Do I click open original on it yeah hang on don't yeah click open original that way you get like a links are spoopy this link goes to gift cat something this is is this a drunk person that they're trying to help what is this he put it in there yeah he pasted it in. I'm looking through the list. So you want to click the blue part, like the hyperlink thing. What is the context of this shit? I don't know. That's why I linked it, because I'm so confused.

Are we ready? Yes. Ready, set, play. It looks like the redhead has knocked out the small girl, maybe? No, I think the redhead is trying to hold her up. Dude, bitch slaps the redhead. Oh, okay, so the redhead knocked her out.

And he picks up the little girl like she's a doll. Is it possible she's drunk? Is it possible she's not a human being? Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Oh, no. with her oh oh oh oh no the backstory made up in my head is that he holds the redhead responsible for the drunkenness of the brunette oh yeah that's what I'm thinking too oh that might be this is bizarre because the redhead is a carrier

he's carrying her like an animal I've carried my kids like that. They love it. You also dislocated your daughter's arm. I did not. My wife did that. Oh, that's right. Is he just dropping her off at where she lives? He's like, uh, you got one bird.

Yeah, I think the redhead's trying to hold her up. I don't think he hit her. Can I just say, these girls look like they'd be fun to party with yeah but this guy it's weird he's like both being chivalrous and horrific at the same time yeah dude that little casual step over the passed out bitch and slapper is magnifique he slaps her so funny like a it's like a sniper shot it's i i i mean i can't really i i know the theme of this show and all but i don't really find the funny oh then you're missing out man you'll catch up oh my god the yeah i just think and also like the danger like she's passed out and he's like let me just risk her breaking her neck.

Everything about this is wrong. What he does that's way worse than the little slap, which she sold the slap. He didn't wind up really big, but him grabbing her by the back of the head and dragging her shins across the concrete pretty much, that's the brutal part of it. That's not even a good way to carry someone. I feel like that was punitive. If he that's not even a good way to carry someone i felt like that was punitive you know if he just wanted to move her he'd have grabbed her by the belt like he did in the end are you to pick her up like like you carry a woman you know yeah her vagina not just by her vagina can't you bowl you get your thumb in the back yeah for stability you hold it like a six-pack the idea of like you do like the like the sack carry like if someone's passed out you throw

them over your shoulder have you guys ever had to do that for someone where you had to sack carry someone because they were so drunk or otherwise oh my god i had to do that at lance bass's house this is a real story. Lance Bass? At Lance Bass from NSYNC. Yeah. So before, like I had just started being a comic. I was invited to this party through like four people. It was like Lance Bass went to space camp.

No exaggeration. Went to space camp with a girl who was uh best college friends with another girl who was dating my best friend and so it just became this whole thing where we ended up at his new year's so you and lance bass are pretty tight yeah we're super tight super tight uh no i mean not in that way and so uh we're at lance bass's house and my buddy who is six foot seven uh gets super drunk at his house because he was talking to this girl all night and like they're grinding on the dance floor and everything he thinks he's you know getting with this girl and then she randomly just brings up her boyfriend and he's like oh the worst well this is what was all this then and so he goes

over to the bartender and he goes hey man you see that girl I've been dancing with all night? And the bartender is like, yeah, because she's got a boyfriend. And the bartender goes, oh, hold on a second. And just pours him like a pint glass full of liquor and just hands it to him. He's like, here you go, buddy. And so he gets wasted and he's six, seven. And that is hard to handle. And I'm trying to get him not to fall in the pool.

He's fucking six, seven. And that is hard to handle. And I'm trying to get him not to fall in the pool. And at one point, like, I'm trying to get him to walk down the hill. Because, like, it's pretty difficult. Like, Lance's house, I don't know if he still lives there. But he was, like, on the top of Mulholland Drive in L.A., which is, like, there's, like, a fucking cliff. Yeah, I saw the movie.

Yeah, and so I'm trying to get him to not fall. And at one point, he throws me off of him and just yells, don't control me. And then face plants in the concrete. And so then I had to, I had to like pick up a six foot seven guy and drag him to a cab. And that was a very difficult thing to do. That sounds shit. I've never had to deal with someone who's six foot seven who does that. Thankfully the only time I had to do it,

it was for one of my smaller friends. Who's probably like, like five, eight, five, nine at the absolute most very skinny also a small guy and this was back in i think it was over some kind of break our freshman year in college and we were back in st louis and we went to a buddy of ours uh his house and his house is like the backyard is like the little patio area. And then a giant hill down, like just grass, just straight down. So it's slick.

And it had rained earlier that day. And my, my skinny buddy never drank. Like he had not, he drank, I think twice in his life up to that point. And we're like, dude,

we're going to get you fucked up tonight. We're going to have a great time. And so me and like five buddies head out, head this uh this party and we get there and i was i was sober driving that night and so i i couldn't have anything to drink and uh we we get down there my i keep like basically like vicariously drinking through my buddy who doesn't know how to drink where all the time i'm just like hell yeah dude like i can't take the shot but you take mine and that kind of shit and after like shit you not like 35 minutes at the party like he is beyond blackout like not making sense like we were playing pool at one point and he was just like holding the cue like leaning all over the place like not not even able to play

and and so we have to leave pretty fucking early so i grabbed my buddies that i came there with it's like uh i was in i had a jeep at the time and so i had myself uh three buddies and then the skinny guy and we're all leaving and as we're gonna leave i'm helping my my skinny buddy out the door and he gives me the drunk guy shake of like get off of me i i can walk myself immediately falls down the hill and rolls barrel roll style like like 30 yards down there 30 yards doesn't sound like a lot it's a lot on wet grass in tennis shoes having to go down there and so i go down there and i'm like hey you're good buddy you you fucking got it like i'm giving like the pump up drunk speech where it's like dude you feel bad right now you're gonna be fine in an hour you're gonna be he was not gonna be fine in an hour you'll be fine in an hour just come on stand up let's get up there let's go

i'll stop and we'll get food on the way home and he just was like and so i was like okay fuck and so i i picked him up potato sack style and i carried him up there it took me probably 10 12 minutes to get up there because i would get up and then i would feel like with both my legs totally still like the traction give out and i just would slide back like five feet trying not to fall with this fucker on my shoulder i eventually get him back up to my car we could throw everybody in the back and immediately my other buddy who's sitting next to him in the middle goes dude he but dude you better not fucking vomit on me you better not fucking vomit on me and i'm like dude honestly honestly please don't throw up in my car he's not nonsensical like nonsensical we get like two miles down the road there's a cvs and maybe 200 yards before we get to the cvs

uh i hear a in my back seat and then like there's a two second delay and my other buddy who's still drunk but not that fucked up goes oh fucking gross dude fucking gross what the fuck is he's screaming at this guy and then we i pull into the CVS so I can get you to clean it up. And me and the two other most sober guys who wasn't the yeller or the vomiter get up and start going inside. And the guy who got vomited on was so frustrated he pushed the drunk guy into the door. But I was already out of the car. And so I was going to open it up to give him some air. I open up the door and he falls headfirst into the concrete in a CVS parking lot.

There's a guy walking in. It's two in the morning. I don't know what the fuck he was getting. And he just like rough night. And I was like, you piece of shit. So I went in and spent like $40. Yeah, like you had to comment on that. He had like, he had blood on his head.

Jesus. Because he hit the concrete so hard. I didn't know he was going to fall out. I thought he was on like the middle of the car but no he fell right out and uh i don't think he drank again for like a year after that so we really ruined it he's never gonna be an alcoholic so there's that so you know thank god the story is that you saved this guy well it was more of the funny himself the funny journey if anything i harmed him by trying to get him to drink too much at the party. I was trying to get him to have a really, really fun time

because he was a buddy of mine from high school, had to move away in freshman year and live in this tiny little town because his dad was a pastor. And so when he finally was back and we were all hanging out, it was like, fuck yeah, let's get shithoused. Anybody have a story like that? A friend of mine uh you know so the movie coyote ugly was actually based on this bar called hogs and heifers it was not

based on coyote ugly and it's this you know it's this crazy country bar in new york city and uh a buddy of mine was this like country dj like he loved this was in college and uh so he like he loved this bar this was he would just swear by it because he's like yeah girls take their bras off it's the best so uh we went there and he was getting me pretty drunk but he was way drunker than i was and we managed we take a cab back we're both pretty drunk i managed to like i'm drunk enough that i just like go to sleep on the couch downstairs. We were in a Brownstone in our fraternity house, but that's the fraternity houses in New York process.

And so he stumbles up to his room and gets completely naked and goes to bed, except the rooms, the floors are kind of all the same. So it was not in his bed. It was the bed of another guy and his girlfriend. So they were just sleeping together quietly at like 2, 3 in the morning. And then this other guy gets completely naked

and gets in a bed with them. And boy, did the other guy have some explaining to do. He just like shoved him out of bed with one hand and then he like tried to get him out of there, but he was naked. And you don't want to carry around a naked guy. And so he like left him on the floor and just threw a blanket over him and

went back to sleep. That was nice of him to throw a blanket on him. Well, it was more, that was probably for his own. Yeah, it was for his own. Yeah.

Yeah. He was like, my girlfriend's right here. Let's cover this guy up. This is more, more of that. I'm trying to, that guy's got a wife and kids now.

Like, that's the weirdest part about like all these stories. You're just like, and that guy's a doctor. Yeah, and that guy, he's actually a normal dude, pays his taxes now. And then the more of those stories that pop up, it's like, huh, maybe everybody was kind of like this.

You're kind of a retard in your 20s, and eventually most people grow out of it. A lot of retards in their 30s, though, so everybody doesn't. I mean, I'm almost 30, and I'm retarded. So, that's a strong, strong counterpoint. I never... What is this story that you linked, Kyle? Or is this...

I'm so confused by it, I don't even know. The title says, Florida Man Arrested for Covering Sleeping Girlfriend in Ketchup, but when I clicked it, it was a whole video of, like, a high-speed chase, and I'm just very confused. I like how the title is Florida Man Arrested for Covering Sleeping Girlfriend in Ketchup,

quote, that's what you get, bitch. Okay, new frontrunner for cool guy in the league right here. That is hilarious. The thing is, the girlfriend was cheating on him with a tomato. It was a guy whose last name was Hunts.

Yeah. He murdered the tomatoes, whole family. If you use Hunts ketchup, you are worse than a Nazi. Dude, I'll take a hot take right here. That just like Steve said,

with like all the offensive shit we say, nobody cares about that. Cause that's funny. But like the Android thing and the ketchup thing, people will hate on this ketchup. Take there. I cannot tell a difference between store brand ketchup heinz ketchup hunts ketchup it all tastes right about the same well you don't have much of a palate then do you it's ketchup it's like tomato paste sugar and vinegar okay and and other spices

and in different quantities 57 herbs and spices, you animal. Different qualities of tomato. I can't even tell the difference between which brand I use. I get generic. I buy it in the gallon thing. I don't actually do that. I don't eat a lot of ketchup. I don't use ketchup much, but it needs to have

the poor thing on the bottom and be stored upside down all the time. Otherwise, it pees on your food. You always shake it, or you get the ketchup pre-com um i i love ketchup i i only eat it on french fries some people will eat it on like everything and i don't get that dude but you eat you eat a ludicrous amount on your french fries here's a here's every french fry in the fucking ketchup because i like to taste it. Here's another hot take. Go ahead. I do not eat french fries that need ketchup.

Because if a french fry needs ketchup, that's not a good french fry. I don't drive cars that need gasoline. It's just not... Ketchup can't get to my mouth. French fries can't get to my mouth without ketchup. I think what Kyle's saying is that the purpose of a french fry is that it is a ketchup shovel.

Negative. I don't care for that take you have on french fries and ketchup. That's why it's a hot take. I'm more on Steve's take. I like fries without ketchup, too. I like them with ketchup. It's better with ketchup, okay? I'm honest.

But if you have really good fries, you don't need the ketchup. You never need ketchup. It's not like fucking protein or carbohydrates. It's not like gasoline for a car, like the metaphor I just used. I don't need them. All right? But you want them.

It's like I don't need ice for my water. But it's better with the ice. And I only want water if it has ice. But you guys are like 10 years younger than me. That's probably right. As you get older, well, I'm 39. So as you get older, the idea of I don't like eating healthy, but I'll make little changes that don't affect my enjoyment of life too much

in order to stay healthier. And one of those changes is ketchup. Because to me, I find that if you have, if you eat better things that you don't need to bathe in ketchup, then you don't need to just have the mouth full of sugar that ketchup is. Yeah. I don't like ketchup on hot dogs or burgers either. No, never on a hot dog.

Never on a hot dog. It's, it's, that's, that's low class. Um, if you ask me, it really is. Google it real quick. Um, when I am eating my beef anuses, if you ask me. It really is. Google it real quick. All you need on a hot dog. When I am eating my beef anuses, I go high class. I only eat 100% Angus beef hot dogs. Thank you very much.

I don't care for the... Angus anus? Angus beef? No. Nathan's rank one hot dog, all beef. Nathan's bun length. Rank two, Hebrew National bun length, also solid. I invert those two.

I like the Hebrews over the Nathans. Now you like the Jews. I like their hot dog. Well, they make some sick dogs. I googled it. Can I read the answer, Kyle? Yes. The National Hot Dog and Sausage Council has recently come out at disapproval of adults using

ketchup on hot dogs. That's right. In a guide to hot dog etiquette, the organization declared that for those 18 years of age and older, acceptable wiener toppings include mustard, relish, onions, cheese, and chili. So Kyle is in alignment with the National Hot Dog and Council System. I am the vice president and chief operating officer of the hot dog alliance and we will no longer have our good products sullied by ketchup or any other childish ingredients such as mayonnaise what i put on a hot dog i put mustard usually chili i like chili i like i like fresh

white onion and if i'm really getting fancy i'll put some relish or sauerkraut. Or this is the real pimento cheese. Not on the list. Not a hot dog? National Association for the Advancement of Cow Parts is what it is. I don't. Nice. It's a double ACP. Jesus fuck.

I do agree. I do agree with Kyle on the HDA. But the idea. So me, i actually missed out on relish most of my life when i was a kid i didn't understand that because i i've always loved pickles i don't understand that relish is just basically cut up pickle yeah and yeah like i didn't i didn't know that until one day like someone put relish on a hot dog for me accidentally and i was hungry and i was like all right i guess i it. What the fuck is this magic? And now every time I'm at a ball game,

every time, you know, that's what I cover my hot dogs in. Do you like the same thing with the... I'll go for it. Do you like a pimento cheese? No. I don't like pimento cheese. Have you ever had jalapeno pimento cheese? I'm not a big fan of spicy.

Oh, I love spicy. That's my number one flavor. Yeah, I'm not a huge fan of spicy. See, I'm spicy. That's my number one flavor. Yeah, I'm not a huge fan of spicy. See, I'm on the same pickle boat where I've never disliked pickles, but when you get half a pickle with your sandwich when you go out somewhere, I always was doing it wrong to where I would eat my whole sandwich and my salad or my chips or whatever, and by the end of it, there's just a pickle there,

and I'm like, well, I'm full. I don't know why they have this pickle. I've recently figured out you're supposed to take the bite of the sandwich and then a bite of the pickle, and it's revolutionized my sandwich eating. Revolutionized. That nice bitter, not bitter, but

I don't even know how you would describe it. The vinegary taste kind of cleanses your palate, and then next time you take a bite of that sandwich, it's like that first bite again. It's great. If you go to the grocery store, there's a brand of pimento cheese that has an old black woman on the jar. It's a plastic container. There's a black lady on there.

She's looking at you like, oh, no, you didn't. And Kyle is willing to get it anyway. Kyle's been accidentally putting maple syrup on his hot dogs. That's Aunt Jemima, and she also is full of full of delicious the sweetest pickles you ever did taste um but yeah this uh this pimento cheese and it uh they have a jalapeno variety it is delicious and i like to put that shit on a fucking hot dog if i'm going all out i like hot dogs if i'm gonna eat i never eat one hot dog that's ridiculous if i'm eating hot dogs i'm like all right tomorrow's hot dog day let's get ready have you have you

guys been to a shake shack yeah it's not very good i've heard of it you don't think it's very good no i mean i thought it was pretty good i love i love excuse me i'm thinking of in and out in and out's the one that's overrated no no shake shack shake shack it was uh it started in new york and now it's like everywhere and i i fucking love it but when i go to shake shack and people be like all right well i'll get a burger and fries and i'm like no i'll get a burger and a hot dog and they're like what that's so bad for you i'm like french fries hot dog and french fries are the same bad for you that yeah this way i just get to enjoy both of these things and at least you're getting your protein macros exactly i only have french fries if i like the restaurants french fries like like steak and shake has those uh those little thin ass uh shoestring fries i don't eat those

i don't want that mess i want a big fat sexy fries like five guys yeah shake shack is it's so fucking good and also the there are only a few in airports, but the airport ones are the only ones that have breakfast. Shake Shack breakfast is like this egg and cheese, tons of salt content, but so fucking good. It's just the best egg and cheese I've ever had. Salt's good for you. Salt isn't even bad for you.

A study came out, I've been told, that salt isn't even bad for you. Unless you have blood pressure issues, load up on the salt. Have as much as you want. You're mostly made of it. I loaded up on salt today. I had pho. Does anyone know what pho is?

It's like Vietnamese soup. Yeah, Vietnamese soup. Oh, it's a really good soup. It's got meat in it. I say pho. You're incorrect. And so do, so I used to say pho also. And then I was eating with my friend. His wife is Vietnamese. And I said something something about foe and like she laughed and i was like what did i say she goes

well it's pronounced pho and then i thought about it i was like oh it's funny because so many fucking stores have a name based on it being pronounced wrong yeah like there are so many places like there's a chain a huge chain in LA called 9021 Pho. But it's really 9021 Pho. It should be. I don't give a pho. This word is spelled P-H-O. And it's pronounced F-A.

I want to open a place called Pho King. Like you'd be the king of Pho. Dude, that's... Alright, this is going on the P. list of ideas that aren't bad. I made it. I did it. Anyway, Kyle and Taylor told me that the inside of the pepper was the hot part with the seeds and the whiteness. Yeah, the seeds is the spiciest part.

So I pop them out, and then I put the outside of the pepper in there. Game changer for me. It's huge. Now, I actually like the spice. outside of the pepper in there. Game changer for me. It's huge. Now, I actually like the spice,

but what I don't like is the public embarrassment that comes with my tears and runny nose and all the shit that just exposes how I can't handle it. Dude, I had Thai food once with this comic, and he led me to develop a theory that there are outliers at every little skill in the world. Okay. Black Swan Theory. What. Black Swan Theory. What?

Black Swan Theory. This already exists, but carry on. Okay, I'm sure I'm not the first person to think of it. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. No, but the idea of whether it is tying your shoes fast or perceiving an oncoming car, whatever the fuck the skill is,

there are people who are amazing at it and there are people who are total shit at it, and most of us are in between. Because this you know i don't like spice so they come to me and they're you know i order i order my you know pad cu and she was like uh you know what spice level do you want one through ten i was like do you have a zero i'll take a zero and so then she goes to him and he goes i'll take a 10 and she freezes and she's like no one's ever taken a 10 and he's like yeah i'll be fine i'll take a 10 and she goes the most anyone's ever had was an eight and that guy we had to call an ambulance and he goes what a fucking loser why do you offer the nine and ten then yeah well he said he goes it's fine i'll take a 10 and so the cook came out

the manager came out, and like everyone double checked. And so then finally, so they give him the 10, he eats it, doesn't even fucking break a sweat. He's fine. He says to me,

he's like, I probably could have gone to a 12. And he goes, yeah, 12 would probably be a bit much for me. They come out, they take his picture, they comp the entire meal.

Wow. And they're just like they're like we've been in business 10 years we've never seen anything like this and yeah the prophecy always says someone would come in and all that and and uh yeah and i i just like in that moment i was like i think you might have that palette like the one of the most in the world i was like we I think you might have that palate. One of the most in the world. I was like, we're going to a wing contest tomorrow, bro. We're driving somewhere where they have some sort of hot contest.

And we're making money. I felt like it was Paul Newman. In the color of money. There was a Thai restaurant near me. They were known for two things. Good Thai food and human slavery And uh What?

Yeah It came out like I didn't even know Fans were like I'm glad you specified human slavery Fans uh Bunch of monkeys working back there in poor conditions Back to work Chippy

They're like Woody check this out They show me an article from the local paper Called the News and Observer And yeah they were like guilty They were bringing people in from other countries Taking their passports and forcing them to work under misleading oh it was so good no wonder the thai food was so good because they had people to work there for free so they could spend money on developing ingredients so i'm there and i hear someone come in to order takeout and they're like, oh, they want it spicy. And they're like, whoa, whoa.

Really spicy? And they're like, nah, they're white people. And they give them this like, right, right, right, right. They're all on the same page. So they tone it down for the whites. When I order Thai food, they ask, spicy or Thai

spicy? And you would never hear that in any other type of restaurant. You'd never go to like a fried chicken place and you're like, yeah, I want an extra crispy. And you're like, crispy or black crispy? I knew you were going there. Black crispy. I've actually. I want an ashy as fuck.

We took our picture. No one's ever had black crispy chicken before. How do you make it black crispy? We fry it in lard. Hell yeah. Wrap it in a chitlin first. You ever had chitterlings? Yeah.

I'm not sure. I'm not a fan. Yeah, I wouldn't be either. It's fried pig intestine, which I really scoff at until I consider that the best hot dogs and sausages are wrapped in pig intestine. So I don't know. I guess I'm a hypocrite. But yeah, I usually ordered it hot, but not Thai hot. And hot Penang curry would have me crying and I'd have to blow my nose a couple of times during dinner. And then one day we were getting it to go and I was like, this is my opportunity to get it Thai hot. I won't make a scene

this way. I'll be back at home with this. Thai hot took me an hour to eat a plate of Penang curry because I would take maybe five bites and I would be overwhelmed by the heat and I'd have to take a break.

This is too much. I like that burning feeling me too but but i was in uh when i was in japan uh i was with uh i was with another comic who spoke japanese and like there was uh we were you know we were at some place and they were just bringing us a bunch of food and i like i said i was like i can't i can't eat spicy and so like he tried to tell that to the waiter. And the waiter seemed to kind of pause. And I just said to him, I go, how do

you say white American in Japanese? Because that's what's going to communicate this right now. Of how little I can take. And they totally understood. Nothing was spicy. Yeah, he should have been like, you know how you are when you try and drink milk? Oh! That's where I will be. If you give me a real spicy dish the thai restaurant i like so much got replaced as a jamaican restaurant and i'm like

all right i don't really know jamaican food let's check this out the fuck is wrong with jamaican food it's got all these broken bones in it and it's not like chicken with bone chicken with broken bones they just take the chicken smash it up with a hammer or knife or something and and there's like shards it's it's mangled chicken it sounds awful i've been i've eaten jamaican food and i think what you just said was like you were just like what the fuck is wrong with american food i went to this shonies and everything is crap yeah i've had jamaican applebee's i found the jerk chicken to be dry gross but but it was fine like it's not my favorite kind of food but this this story of broken bones in your compound

fractures sticking out the side of the chicken that's a health department issue woody that's not a i never i think that location is just cursed first it's human slavery and now they're actually killing people and hiding not my human slave cooks they were outstanding it's a cookbook it's a cookbook there was a guy up in south i have there was a guy up in south carolina like woody's describing a scenario where like you import like a thai a thailand a taiwanese immigrant and uh they gave them the false hope that they would someday own the restaurant and they just kept them slaving forever so that's one thing oh like middle management yeah exactly like that so that's bad but then we had that one story a while back in South Carolina where a white man was running a barbecue restaurant and he had a mentally handicapped black man as a literal slave in the back cooking and doing dishes and stuff.

And when the black guy would get out of, I guess he wouldn't do a good job, he'd sling hot grease on him and stuff and beat him with a belt. It was crazy. and stuff and beat him with a belt it was crazy the guy was on like apparently there is a slavery charge that you could slap on somebody to this day i want to hear his defense like i gave him room and board and food you know like what's wrong with slavery and human slavery they charged him with both shit that just hurts the black guys. They're only half right there. God damn. The, um, there,

I actually know a good version of this, um, where, you know how there's like in every small town in America, no matter how little the population, there's always like a Chinese food place. Yeah. Okay.

Uh, I was in a, I was in a, well, I was in a Starbucks. Yeah. But it's like, how do they know that there's not one in this place? And I was in a Starbucks one day and I was overhearing the guy next to me, his conversation and his job.

He would basically find immigrants trying to come to America and they would set up a Chinese restaurant for them and they would pay like a $50,000 fee to do this. $1,000 fee to do this. And then the people would come over and they would work and operate the Chinese restaurant. And but there was like this, this fee for these guys to set it up. And it was a way to get immigrants over, like legally, technically. And like, that was his job. And I was like, Oh, that's why there's a Chinese food restaurant in every small town, because this company literally finds places where there isn't one yet and then goes and sells it to immigrants. Dude, there's no good Chinese food near me. It's so upsetting. That's almost

hard to believe given where you are. There's none. Atlanta has shit Chinese food. Are you in Atlanta or outside Atlanta? I'm outside Atlanta. How far? Pretty far. 30 minutes. That's three miles in Atlanta. Yeah.

That's our time of day. You're in Alpharetta? That's North Atlanta. I used to work in Alpharetta and live in Sandy Springs. But the LA and New York have such amazing Chinese food

that it's like you're eating a different kind of food when you eat fucking northeast georgia chinese food like well that's why i was laughing at the costco pizza it's the same kind of thing it's like technically name that i was gonna bring up the flavor because of how cheap it is too i think new york pizza is not that good you know with the bubbles and the inaccuracies in the cooking and the slime, it falls forward and the grease drips off. Compare that to – people are going to hate this. You're describing the pizza from Ninja Turtles.

Yeah. I haven't really watched them. I like a nice flop on my New York slice. Yeah. People do. And it's over-greased, and I think it's bad. You hold it in half. You hold it in half.

The oil drips out the little crease that you made. I like every kind of pizza. I like all of the pizzas. As crazy as this is, the Pizza Hut with the stuffed crust I think is better than that. That sauce is too sweet.

That's fucking insane. That is the worst thing anyone's ever said on this program. People just insulted Android four hours ago. How dare you? Every kind of style of pizza is great. Like every kind of pizza, even Chicago style. What do you mean even Chicago style? I'm saying because I don't like pizza that you can't eat with your hand.

You can eat it with your hand. If you can't eat a Chicago slice with your hand, you're going to get it all over yourself. There's sauces on top. There's lasagna. Get a fucking napkin. It's delicious. Get a fucking napkin i truly believe i truly believe that chicago style pizza is wonderful but it's a different food than pizza yeah it's not the same you got new york called like

cheat like cheese marinara pie or something like that you know perennial underrated would be closer to the truth is uh is detroit style like the square pan pizzas that are deep not too much sauce so you can i like the sauce but like if i eat like if i have two slices of chicago style i'm gonna have acid reflux but like did you guys see tomato did you guys see that that food abortion that was bagel sliced bread out of st lou Louis. Well, I wouldn't know about that. I think it's a smart way to serve a large group. I think that is horrible. You would also probably hate St. Louis style pizza because people

who aren't from here don't like Provel cheese very much. What's bagel slice bread? They take a loaf and cut it down the middle lengthwise? No, they take a bagel and they slice it this way. Oh, we get that here. That is fucking ridiculous. See, do you know why Panera Bread

does that? It's because everywhere but here it's called Panera, but here it's called St. Louis Bread Company. Which is Panera in different pants. Well, I mean, it started here as that and then they became Panera because nobody in Boston is going to be like, dude, let's go to the fucking St. Louis Bread Company.

Nobody would think that. That's terrible marketing. dude let's go to the fucking saint louis bread company like nobody no nobody would yeah that's terrible marketing that sounds like something that sounds french or italian oh i saw i saw a place uh i was in new brunswick and there were two bagel places and i i was like deciding between them and like the first one it was called like bagel nosh i'm like oh that sounds like a good bagel place and the second one was called la bagel and i was like fuck off no way new york worst Bagel is where you want to go. There's one here. There's a New York Bagel here? And everyone that works there is obviously either from New York or New Jersey.

Which is pretty cool. If I saw a place called Israeli Bagels, I'd be like, this is going to have the best bagels on earth. Like, there's no doubt. Or wait, is bagels a thing from israel no it's me it's a new york jewish thing oh okay well then i rescinded i didn't know i was given

the given israel too much credit for bagel manufacturing can we do an ama question yeah sure all right uh wait before we do uh i had so much fun but i gotta go it's actually uh it has been glelebe's birthday. So tell him happy birthday and good luck on the run. Celebrate. And also, so before I go, can I plug real quick? Please go for it. Sure.

Yeah. A couple of things. First of all, if anybody's interested in getting a comedian on the debate stage, go to glebe2020.com and you can donate a buck. And that helps a whole lot because it's number of donors, not total donation. But also if you guys want to see me live, um, I'm doing my first ever show in Hawaii, uh, on Sunday. So I'm really excited about that. And then I've got all kinds of stuff coming up, uh, Boston, Denver, Salt Lake city, uh, LA, New York, uh, all kinds of places. Um,

and as always in the subreddit, I do a discount for PKA people. So I do a ticket discount whenever I can. And thanks for having me on, guys. I miss y'all. And Kyle, I'm really happy that you're not in jail. And quick note, I went to Steve's show and I really liked it.

Thank you. Check it out. Quick note, I just did a show in St. Louis and Taylor did not come. Wow. That was on a Thursday night. It was. It was the same night as PK. I remember. I was like, hey, come to my show. And then you were like, oh, I'm busy tonight.

I was like, oh, right. The thing you do. Whatever. Bye guys. Later, buddy. So you have an AMA question? I do if you had the ability to shut down any company

which would you choose and why? thank you hmm okay I'm glad you said hmm because i wasn't sure you were still here yeah i'm having a hard time coming up with a company that i dislike enough that i want them i mean dick's sporting goods mistreated me one time never do business with them again the first one that popped into my head was facebook i feel like they're a social bad that they just they create more harm than good and if they were gone what i would predict would replace them would be better like forms from yesteryear and such um yeah that's that's a decent one i guess i i have no

connection to facebook really i mean i'm not a fan of people who use Facebook necessarily. I feel like it's almost an old person thing now. Interesting. It's really fallen out of vogue. Everybody's on Twitter. Speaking of that, I got a Twitter topic in a little bit. You probably know what it is. I'll just wrap up on it.

Facebook, to me, has replaced web forums. We're a big thing in a while. Everywhere. If you just want to have a... There's a group like OneWheel. It's like a kind of electric skateboard or electric skateboards in general. There'll be a Raleigh OneWheel thing and that's where people organize and meet up.

Every group of every interest you could think of anywhere lands on Facebook. I actually hate my Facebook feed. I've stopped going to it almost entirely. And I just use it for the groups. And it's a shitty version of forums. Makes sense. Yeah, that's understandable. But you're not using it as a social media

platform. You're using it more to organize events and stuff like that that have to do with a particular category which is... I'm not using it as Facebook, but I guess that would still be social media. Yeah, I suppose so to some extent. Yeah some extent yeah yeah yeah because they're sharing content as well um i don't know i don't really have anything against any companies that's kind of a tough one um the problem with eliminating a company you don't like is you sort of eliminate competition in that

marketplace so like i'm not a big fan of pepsi but if i take pepsi out then coca-cola probably doesn't do as good of a job you know like if i uh uh by the way uh steve's new podcast uh it's called failing forward and he interviews successful people about times uh when everything sucked that's the idea there'll be a link down there below in the description um yeah i don't know taylor can you think of any companies that if you could snap your fingers and just blink them out of existence, you would do so? Hunt's Ketchup, but again, I'm eliminating Heinz's competition. Maybe they go to lower quality tomatoes now. Don't want to do that to them.

Does the NHL franchise, the Chicago Blackhawks, count as a company? I think it should. But don't you like that they exist in the world? I do like that because it's fun to have rivals. I don't even like watching the Yankees win, but I like it when they're in the playoffs. I'm trying to think what company I just want to get rid of. What company makes terrible, terrible food or snacks or drinks?

It's hard to think of because usually I buy those things once and then realize it's not good anymore. it's hard to think of because usually I buy those things once and then realize it's not good anymore. You know, I guess maybe like, I was going to say something like, like Monsanto or Google or one of the, Oh,

it'd be fun to get rid of Google just to see what happened. Oh my God. How would I, the internet would stop working. That's what I'm saying. It'd be, it'd be weird to see. First of all, there'd be no more YouTube.

And I kind of use that more than TV now. And there'd be no more youtube and i kind of use that more than tv now and there'd be no more searching and that's a problem and my maps it'd be neat to see though because immediately a huge vacuum would open up and like new people would have to you know maybe that's the play you blink them out and then you swoop in and feel the void yeah yeah it was google and now now i'm gonna have my own search engine where no matter what you try and find it it only comes up it only catalogs videos of animals fighting is this a dangerous kind of spider no no it't. But watch this video of a bear attacking a moose in Canada. It's like, this is...

New Google isn't helpful at all. It's actively unhelpful. I don't like this. Yeah, what was your answer for snapping one out? Mine was Facebook. I think they do more harm than good for society. I agree. I think you can say that about every single

social media platform in the world. Ooh. I wouldn't say that about YouTube. I think YouTube's fun. I don't see YouTube as social media in the same way I do Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, that kind of stuff. Twitter I'm not educated on. Instagram I watch it

from afar. It just seems like people misrepresenting their lives, right? That's Instagram. Well, yeah, you just summed up social media. I guess Facebook could be that too, but it's more opinionated. I don't know anyone going on Instagram, like pushing their politics and sputting the news. Yeah, Instagram seems to be more like silly, fun-based. But I also barely ever, I haven't even looked at my Instagram page in months.

Again, talking about shit I don't know about, TikTok looks fun. Yeah, I followed a Twitter account called Ironic TikToks, and it was really funny. And then out of nowhere, it got banned. And so that was my entire TikTok experience. It seems like a Zoomer platform where all the Gen Z, the Zoomers oh you know there's the zoomers

i heard it once and i'm like that's hilarious i'm sticking with it i don't know and no all the all the zoomers they use that one because like kids that age or adults that age in some instances now do not use facebook like they may have an account but they don't use it because everybody now is like oh facebook that's totally a boomer thing. It's mostly old people. People have moved on to Snapchat. Every Gen Xer is a boomer now. It's become a meme.

Boomers are literally 72, dude. I'm not a boomer. That is crazy. Yeah, boomers are actually really fucking old. But I do like that when someone on Twitter, they'll be like, say some stupid take. And people will be like, some 16-year-old kid will be like, shut up, boomer. And they'll respond like, I'm 44. My dad's a boomer.

My mom's a boomer. My mom might be too young to be a boomer. Is she? They're two years apart, and I want to say she just missed the cut, but I could be wrong. 65 is where boomer ends. Oh, well, then she would be a boomer, too. Okay. And then what was before boomer?

Silent or greatest? Great. Silent. Ooh. The greatest had the boomers, right? And is the silent the... I don't know. The one in between? Because, like, the Gen Xers had the boomers right and is the silent the i don't know the one in between

because like the gen xers had the the zoomers boomers had the gen xers the gen xers and millennials some millennials and then i don't know who's you know how we heard that there's like a sausage fucking council yeah who's the guy who's deciding when generation start and stop oh no and who's naming them well i guess lately it's just been x y and z i don't know what follows gen alpha we're gonna flip it around yeah probably alpha we'll have to like switch it to that and then there'll be beta oh that'll suck imagine being generation beta gen Yeah. We all know what it means. Yeah, we don't know. Fucking losers. Generation cock. You should have not

been, you shouldn't have let your parents fuck when they did. You should have chose your parents better. Yeah. Yeah, I think. Oh, go for it. Have you guys seen that OJ is on Twitter? And have you seen the video that the juice uploaded

I saw the one where at the end he's like I've got some vengeance to go about or something along those lines do you see what Norm Macdonald tweeted at him yeah I liked that on Twitter it's hilarious he's like hey you can kind of tell by the background there

what golf course you're staying at I wouldn't do anything but you never know lots of crazies out there You can kind of tell by the background there what golf course you're staying at. I wouldn't do anything, but you never know. Lots of crazies out there. He's basically saying, like, hey, everybody, if you look closely, you can tell where OJ lives if you want to go get him. That's what he's saying. This is literally saying, hey, OJ, it's Norm.

Listen, be careful about the videos you put out there. I recognize the golf course behind your house. I know the exact street and could easily print your address. Of i would never do that but be careful juice be careful is my favorite like threat you know like like it could mean two things if your mom says be careful then she cares about you if your enemy says be careful he's telling you he's threatening you yeah he uh norm mcdonald is a national treasure i was talking to my dad about oj today um i was talking to him about this whole thing we were talking about the trial and everything you know the the simpson trial and uh he was he was like you know i saw i saw something was on tv about that the other day and i was looking at that

whole thing he's like that was a good looking guy that that she was running around with that uh that was returning those sunglasses it was like it's like what a damn shame that he killed both those people he's like those were beautiful people and i was like yeah you don't fuck with that's a hot take their lives had a lot of value they could have been models they they could have yeah i i think you know look pretty people are more valuable they just are um ask any taiwanese auctioneer okay so all i and i was like you know what that was an underappreciated joke if if oj's current girlfriend were to wink at you you'd look the other fucking way dad's like oh hell yes hell yes absolutely i was like he's old but i bet you the juice can still move when he has to he's scary he's angry remember how we've talked about these uh mafia guys who are tougher than

they look because they go straight from zero to a hundred right yeah they just we know what the juice does right yeah we know what the juice does he decapitates you in Brentwood the man went first of all he's one of the greatest athletes of all time like there's no getting past it OJ was an incredible athlete I think it's him I think it plays into how scary he is as an assailant oh I see where you're headed with that yeah you know I'm not necessarily I'm not like praising his skills as a running back. I thought you were like, you know, athletes have more value too. He ran for so many yards in a season, you've got to overlook a murder.

I thought that's what you were doing. No, I was saying that like, this isn't your average upset ex-husband. This isn't just a professional athlete who's mad at you. This is one of the greatest human athletes that's ever lived. Easily top 250 athletes ever. You think so? Yes, absolutely. Yeah, he still has records. The man was incredible. Incredible athlete. I would still be afraid to have any kind of an altercation with O.J. Simpson, even at the age of 75 or whatever he is at this point.

71. Yeah, he's a big boy. And he's clearly ready to do some violence upon you. That whole thing was such a weird chapter in American history, him getting away with that thing. But yeah, go follow O.J. on Twitter, boys. What's he up to now, a million yet? He'd pick up 250,000 today. Yeah, the juice is loose and he is tweeting up a storm. You know what it felt like to me? It felt like he had fallen back into the old Nordberg character from the naked gun. You ever watched the naked gun? Yeah.

That was Leslie Nielsen. Oh, I really liked those movies. I, I, I really do. I like Leslie Nielsen a lot. Um,

rest in peace. He's dead. Uh, but the naked gun movies especially were some of my favorites. Um, Oh, I was going to say this, this is completely,

this is mildly connected. I was talking about what a great athlete OJ was and how he would still seem dangerous. Do you remember, Woody, when Herschel Walker fought in the UFC? No. Did he fight in the UFC? So Herschel Walker was – he's from Georgia. He was a running back, Heisman Trophy winner. I want to say he was like 50-something,

but late 40s or something like that. He looked 25. And it's not an exaggeration. And I'm not just talking about his physique, his face. He looked younger than us. And he was 47 or something like that. And his physique was insane. And he just made this transition to mixed martial arts and started knocking motherfuckers out. He's just such a natural fucking athlete. It's incredible. How old was he?

I want to say 47. Let me try to... He looks badass. Looks like he had two fights. Did he win them both? Yeah. And he fought in Strikeforce. Okay.

He's saying recent... He said in 2016 he wanted to do another fight, but that was 2016. I know we talked about it on PKN. I'm still stuck on Chael's son in retiring. 57, I think, when he fought, maybe. Look, Chael needed to retire, man.

Chael was over the hill. Chael's greatest gifts are uh are his mouth you know his his analysis skills are up to par his his insight into the business is good but he's an animal from a uh from days gone by you know i i saw there was an article that michael bisping reacted to where they referred to his tarnished legacy as one of the biggest cheats of all time and mixed martial arts and Michael Bisping's take was yeah top two or three you know you have Vitor you got Chael and you get he named one other person I can't might have been Dan Henderson I think I saw Dan Henderson was it yeah and it's like yeah yeah we only forgive Chael because he's so charismatic and again that's his I'm full on hypocrite there because I look at every other

fighter and say that his record is incredibly tarnished. Anderson Silva's record is tarnished. You think he wasn't on steroids the whole way? I don't know on Anderson Silva. John Chael's record is tarnished. He was on steroids before he got caught, I'm sure. And he's on steroids after he got caught and they let him fight anyway.

And this is the way that I keep laying it. Pico grams, right? And this is where i keep laying out and then there's chael sunning my favorite steroid abuser and uh by the way he was on shit that i don't know if he got caught for you know epo hgh and testosterone there were six i think i think there was so because there's a tweet the guy said um chael sunnen got caught for four things, and his reply was, it was six, and it's still the record. Right? Which is fucking awesome.

I'm sure he was on all sorts of things to deal with the enhanced testosterone and coming off a cycle. But definitely he was doing EPO, human growth hormone, steroids. There's a real chance. People don't know. You take performance-enhancing drugs, and then sometimes you take performance-enhancing masking agents or things that keep your natural production going even though you're on steroids.

And those things are illegal too because they're a tell that you're on the first thing. So he might have only been on three performance enhancers and a couple more. Yeah, and he looked great back in the day. He had an excellent physique. And it wasn't like that. It was deceiving. Vitor had a physique that was just unnatural, like T.J. Dillashaw's physique.

I find T.J. Dillashaw's physique to be unnatural. He's just packed on so much muscle on such a tiny frame. It doesn't look real. It looks like a caricature of a strong person. Jon Jones, I think, looks real to me. He doesn't look like a caricature. He looks like a very muscular, powerful man. Man, you're right about TJ Dillashaw.

I just looked up a picture of the guy's 5'6", and he looks like he has as much muscle as someone who's 6'1". TJ Dillashaw. I just looked up a picture of the guy's 5'6", and he looks like he has as much muscle as someone who's 6'1". TJ Dillashaw doesn't do it for me. It's something about small people don't stand out as

outrageous as much as big people do in my head. I think it's more difficult. Look at these steroid traps on him right here. It's pretty insane. Now, he is, of course, dehydrated in that picture, cutting down to 135. But look at his traps. That's a telltale sign of steroid abuse,

is that muscle grip getting huge. Yeah, it's also a sign of somebody who has an incredible work ethic. I think he's been on drugs for a long time. The EPO epo he claims was just to make the 125 uh weight cut um because his system was failing and he said he was basically unapologetic for for doing it he said he didn't regret what he did because it was the only way he was going to make weight yeah that's recent like after the chail interview he he said this oh that's super recent because the chail interview

was like two days ago yeah this is like yesterday okay i watch a lot of mma news obviously you do too we watch pretty much the same sources a lot of times a lot of the same stuff i watch all the mma insider stuff and i'm on bloody elbow um even though i'm supporting that bloody elbow that degenerate uh bjpinn.com oh yeah and uh and you know i like to stay up to date on that stuff i really enjoy the videos did you see the new facility uh that that they have no it keeps getting pushed at me and somehow that's not interesting to me i think you should take a look because it's really good it's really cool they built an enormous facility. For people to train in, right? I think it's for the tough stuff as well.

I think all the tough stuff is going to go there. And they just built two of everything. People don't know the Ultimate Fighter Tough is a TV show where people compete and then the winner usually gets a contract. And a lot of UFC stars have come out of it. There are reality shows where champions. There are reality shows where they propose like american idol for example the the idea is that we're going to come up with a new pop star every year they don't they come up with like three or four or something like that in like 15 years with the ultimate fighter almost every season you're

getting two or three guys who are going to be career guys like brendan shob was on there um joe lozano of course um nick diaz uh nate diaz uh lots of big name guys or is griffin um i'm blanking on the black i couldn't even name him at 205 it's so sugar rashad well that's the boxer i think rashad evans rashad evans yeah and sugar was his nickname um yeah just so so many and well they built two of everything because the idea was like we can't have the blue team training next to the red team we can't have the blue team boxing next to the red team so like they just doubled everything on the outside. It's funny how territorial they get. Isn't it? I mean, there's no elite. There's like,

it's not a team sport at all. You train together, I guess as a team, but dude, three weeks from now, if your team beats out of the team too much, they'll just put you on it. You know,

like there's no, you don't get anything for the allegiance, but somehow if you take people and put one in yellow and one in blue, they get, they, they turn like racist against blue shirts and become, you know, tribalistic.

It's our, it's our nature. Uh, I think it's our nature and it's, um, I mean, it gets serious. I want to say,

I want to say, I'm trying to remember who like flipped out and went crazy. And like, like they, it's a good reality show like like you could watch it purely for the mma but they hang out at the house and shit gets wild sometimes like you got to keep in mind these are guys who have chosen for their career their their vocation to be fighting each other and with their with four ounce gloves no clothes in a cage yeah and then they the ufc does things to make them crazy for example you can have all the alcohol you want for

free all the time you sorry about that who was it who was yelling at the other fighter where are your kids where are your kids right now i think tony ferguson was the guy that was it was tony tony's yelling at the guy no no i think t right now? No, no, I think Tony's being yelled. Am I crazy? I think you're right. I think you're getting it backwards. I think you might have it right, yeah. Tony's the one who's yelling at this guy. Where are your kids at right now?

Where's your kid at? And I don't know the backstory, but maybe this guy's kid had gotten taken by child services, or maybe he was just feeling the disconnect because he's on the show and the kid's at home. But that guy is losing his goddamn mind. You don't talk about my children you

can't have a book you can't have a television they take your phone they take away anything that might be entertaining and just force these people to interact with each other you you can leave the house but you can't leave the yard so they're like prisoners in this place and like kyle said they've all chosen professional fighting as their vocation, which in itself often leads to like a type of personality and it just leads to drama and it's fun. It's a lot of fun. But yeah,

the new facility is sick. I don't know how much it costs. Hundreds of millions. It looked like to me, like it's crazy. The, the fuck going to any UFC event, frankly,

because the seating is just so poor for the amount that you spend. Even if you drop $5,000 a ticket, you're still in a bad seat. Watch Joe Rogan when he's as close to the ring as a man can possibly get. And look where his eyes are. They're on the monitor in front of him. He's looking at a scale down. He's looking at like a nine inch screen. I'm at home with 75 inches of

4k motherfucker how is it not how i'm getting a much better viewing experience than joe rogan is getting now he gets to go in there and talk to him after but that's not the cards for me i wish you were wrong but i don't think you are yeah that cage obscures the view so much however at the new facility they have much nicer seating you're very close you're elevated a little bit i would pay money to sit in there that's the thing if you put a an octagon in the middle of like a hockey rink you know the seats are flat for so far by the time you get any elevation you're 300 feet away from it it's no good seems like a bad sport to watch live it's a bad sport to watch live um i think i've watched every sport live right like if you're watching football or hockey or baseball you can kind of tell what's going on from a

thousand feet away at like a macro level when you're trying to figure out you know where the guy's knee is or what his hand position is or something like that's so small, whether or not a punch connected, like you can't tell. Replay is very important in mixed martial arts. You know, the commentating is so important to me personally. Like I've often said I wouldn't be near the fan of mixed martial arts if it weren't for Joe Rogan. I really dig his take. I really find his expertise on the subject and his honesty.

Like when shit is like like go back to the ice incident where they they spilled ice in the ring and he's just like well they're just spilling more ice oh well they spilt it again you gotta get the ice up you gotta get the you know he's and it's just like yeah this guy cares like if there's a bullshit call like when durand to me is fucking hitting holly home out after the bell two rounds in a row and the ref isn't taking a point. He's like, next time you almost KO Holly after the bell, I'm going to take a point. And it's like, what do you mean next time? You've got to take a point now.

I like about Joe. I think he's still comfortable in his job or doesn't care about his job. One of those two doesn't need it. That if a fight's boring boring he'll call it boring and i don't know that dominic cruz or chel son hypothetically or any daniel cormier can do that i don't think daniel can be look at these boring fighters barely fighting this is a record for low punch he's apologized to the crowd before really yeah he's like he's like they should be they should i'm sorry to the fans because this one was that's ridiculous i can't remember who it was it wasn't he enjoyed the um the wonder boy

versus tyron woodley fight you know the guy i'm thinking it might have been blades versus nanganu maybe oh it was it might i think it was derrick lewis versus and gone too yeah and uh where they threw like a total of like 46 punches or something over 15 minutes yeah yeah yeah it worked out like three or four punches around or something retarded it was just it was awful and and you went into it i paid for that fucking event too because it was like holy shit derrick lucid lewis versus ingano that's gonna be a bomb match like this this is not getting out of the first round somebody's getting knocked the fuck out I I like a lot of sports you know I I've gotten into the NBA lately I like to watch hockey but only the UFC do I think

oh my god oh boy they're really gonna do? I almost didn't believe this was actually going to happen this whole time. Like when they told me that fucking Conor McGregor and Khabib were going to take their shirts off and get in a cage and actually fight, I had my doubts this whole time. And here it is actually going to happen. Once they both make weight, that's when my excitement ramps up. This is going to be a great year of fighting. This is going to be a great year of fighting. This is going to be a great year of fighting the rest of this year

because the lightweight division is about to really shape up, and we're about to see the cream rise to the top. I predict Conor will come back. I think that Conor broke his hand in sparring. He had to have hand surgery recently. He's left. His big hand for people, don't it? Yeah, for sure um i want to see

tony do his thing but poirier versus khabib could be huge if poirier wins it um either way it's huge um but but i'd love to see poirier knock him the fuck out somebody will somebody's gonna catch khabib khabib's not the toughest guy in the world. He's just great on offense. Wait, I thought he was your main man in the sport right now, right? I think he's the best lightweight, but I despise him. Oh, okay. I get so mixed up.

There are so many names. I like Khabib. I remember I was telling you he's the guy that – he speaks English well, but he's like a little literal maybe not jokey about it and you were saying there were some hockey guys who appeal to you for the same reason yeah i don't care for his sex very funny i love i love barely speak english interviews regardless of sport it's what's one of the best things about sports i don't like his sexist takes i don't like um i don't look at a lot of the things about Khabib. His sexist takes.

That's what bothers you. Have you seen our show? He's not doing... I'm kidding. I respect and love women. Khabib wants to dominate and subject women. I actually don't know that I've seen what you're talking about. Oh, do a little digging.

You should see Misha Tate's take on the whole thing. Wait, is he really that offensive? Or is he just saying like Islam has a lot of harsh beliefs about women. Is he just parroting that or is he going even further? He's going a little bit further. Well, I guess all you would do is say what they believe and that's one.

That'll get you there. Specifically when it comes to mixed martial arts, he doesn't like there being female fighters. He says they should stay home and finish their husbands. Stuff like that. Don't care for any of that at all. Wow, that is hilarious. Thank you, Taylor.

That's not bad. I love that. That is so fucking funny. Stay home and finish their husbands? Does he mean what I think he means? Yeah, absolutely he does. This guy is cool, dude. No, he's a piece of shit.

This is my main man in the UFC. Don't care for that guy at all. Yeah, but I think I did hear him talk about... Stay home and finish your husbands. I heard him talk about how he didn't like women. a piece of shit. This is my main man in the UFC. Don't care for that guy at all. Yeah, but I think I did hear him talk about... Stateful and fesher husbands. I heard him talk about how he didn't like women. 10 out of 10. But I thought it was more of a, I don't think women should endure the hardships

that we go through in the cage. That was the skin I had in my head. Ah, yes, Islam. They want to protect women. We don't want you to have the hardship of driving a vehicle or having the rights of a man who knows what sort of incidents you'd might it's my distortion i'll distort it the way i want to you know what the

you know what the coolest thing about when saudi arabia said women can drive now was is that they still need a male escort which means that you just gave every guy in saudi arabia a designated chauffeur. It's too funny. It's too funny. And you know what? They're one of our closest analogs. I'm looking forward to this year fighting. Jon Jones, of course,

going to fight again. I don't know how many times he's fought this year. Maybe two. Wouldn't be surprised if he fights four times this year. Love an active champion. Say what you will about the man. But he's getting out there and he's putting on a show for the fans. It's like he has super healing somehow. Well, it's like he's dedicated and he just took a couple years off to recuperate and to get powerful.

And he is the greatest mixed martial artist of all time. Say what you will. Say what you will. What about the karate kid? That guy's... Now, are you talking what about the karate kid that guy's now are you talking about the the um the the fictional karate kid no i'm literally talking about the guy that i'm talking i'm talking about the documentary from the late 80s

he took out johnny yeah he took out johnny like that that's pretty impressive yeah i was not impressed i like the wait was that a fiction fiction? The Okinawa part was real, though. That was a documentary. Sweep the leg, sweep the leg. Yeah, big year of fighting. There's so much going on. And don't forget, fucking, what's his name? Funky Ben Askren is fighting again.

He should be soon, right? Yeah, soon, like a month or two. And he may get a title shot if he wins this one. Well, I think it's a title eliminator. whoever wins i think is it's gonna be so i love that guy i love that i love that guy i like his opponent too he's been talking i feel like he's been talking every every second of every interview he's talking shit i think he's he's fighting masvidal right yes or hey masvidal yeah oh he talks so much shit on masvidal it's hilarious and masvidal legitimately dislikes him um it's there's an iq differential between these two fighters of at least 30 points

you've got masvidal who's just like animalistic rages at man making fun of me. And then you've got Ben Askren just like cleverly running circles around him. Yeah. It's fun to watch. It's fun to watch. Askren's a very smart, quick-witted guy. Yes, but. And is literally a street thug. But both of them are going to walk half naked into a cage and settle their differences.

Hell yeah. And there's something about this sport. Like I'm just, I'm amazed it's gonna really happen and like i don't know but there's so much shit talking in every other arena of life whether it's politics or sports like like you know people say people talk a lot of shit they say i'll i could do this to you i would do this to you and they're like i'm going to do this to you and then they fucking do it there's something about meaning what you say and saying what you mean that just is a truism of mixed martial arts and fighting in general boxing is certainly included in that muay thai any combat sport we're gonna fight

we're not gonna knock a ball around and see who can get it through a hoop the most we're not going to run up and down the field and a you know 15 of us facing 15 more of you that the salary cap doesn't fucking matter because i'm going to punch you in the face into your unconscious and i people want to keep mentioning the shirt off thing it's a thing chael sun and says like it is a sort of reality like all the bullshit gets stripped off and yeah like but i don't know what it is like when the hurricanes play the blues i'm not like oh my god it's actually happening but in fighting sometimes it has that effect yeah i love it i love it so much um well team sports you gotta wait till the playoffs let me see let me see who the next event is uh or who's fighting the next event next the

canes are just impossible to hate because we play them twice a year and I loved how they embraced that bunch of jerks thing where they rolled with it and were like, yeah, we're going to be gaudy and annoying because it upsets people and that's funny. Oh, shit. That's a shame. Yeah, I'm not buying this.

Wait, no, you got to look at 239. Are you looking at the wrong one by chance? You're buying that. I absolutely am looking at the wrong one by chance you're buying that i absolutely am looking at the wrong one i was looking at july 64 yeah oh of course yeah you go forward to july 6 which is a while away john jones versus diego santo so i'm not that excited about but john jones fights always capture my interest nunez versus hollyholm both fighters who i like watching jorge jorge masvid versus Ben Askren, who we just talked about. Who else is on this card? Fucking Diego Sanchez versus Michael Chiesa. Ingano versus Dos Santos.

It's a stacked fucking card all the way. Ingano versus Dos Santos is canceled on my screen. Luke Rockhold fighting Jan Blackawicks, a guy I'm not familiar with, 23-8 fighter. Good card. Really, really good card. I'm definitely psyched about all three of the main top three

fights. And Gano and Sanchez fights, I'm definitely into. It's just the Rockhold fight, if he doesn't have an opponent, I don't know what's going to happen there at light heavyweight. Who's going to step in at light heavyweight? Every time I see Chessia, I instantly fixated on his Joe Lozon fight. People don't remember Joe Lozon hit him, cut him open.

The term we kept using was like he had a vagina on his face. That's the size of the gash he had. And he felt like the doctor stopped it too soon and he could have kept going. But he was also just losing. He was losing that. It wasn't like he was winning but got a cut. No. He was getting his ass kicked. He got his face sliced open the doctor stopped it and he feels like he was a bitch about

it and i thought it was fun i love seeing john jones operate so very psyched about that amanda is the the best who's ever done it um and i predict holly is going to take a real beating because holly is tough as nails. She's going to stay in there with her. It's not going to be a round one destruction, I don't think. But by round two, I think Holly makes it off the stool for round two. But I don't think she returns to that stool. She's a professional boxer who should avoid damage, right?

She should be very clever and see these things coming that like these bombs that Nunez throws. Having said that, I haven't seen her do the kind of thing that would hurt Nunez. She's a beast. I don't want to see the fight. Holly's almost like, I mean,

she does hit hard, but she's almost like Holloway and that she needs to accumulate punches over three or four rounds to really put someone away or kick them in the fucking skull. And in their career that works too. But with Amandaanda she's just tough as nails i mean cyborg was hitting her cyborg was hitting amanda and amanda just shrugged it off and threw five more bombs of her own and she cut cyborg down like a fucking oak tree just concussioncussion, concussion until she was face down on the fucking mat. That oaf of a

fucking gorilla woman. Has she fought again since? I don't even remember. No, she has not. Amanda has. Yeah, Cyborg. I don't think Amanda has either. I don't think either of them have fought. Cyborg's going to test free agency after her next bout,

she says. She's pretty upset with how the UFC have treated her post-loss. I don't think Dana wanted anything more to do with her. Amanda's so much more marketable than that thing. Oh, by the way, you're right. Neither of them have fought since they fought each other in December 2018. Champ champ. Yeah.

Oh, are they fighting at 145 or 135 um they're fighting at bantamweight okay so that's um that's 135 right i think featherweight is 145 yeah they're fighting they're fighting at 135 interesting what's lightweight? $155. Well, that's $155. Yeah. Call it a wrap. Do we have any post rules? We do. Turo is a peer-to-peer car sharing marketplace where you can book any car you want, wherever you

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PKA 444.