Painkiller Already - Painkiller Already #459

Episode Date: October 11, 2019

In this week's PKA, this week's show... KYLE HAS RETURNED HARDENED FROM THE PRISON LIFE! He's back and he tells us all about his routine while on the inside for the last 2 months, how his Mexican buddy Snow kept his booty hole safe from being "Gotten with", tons of prison stories are covered this week so you're not going to want to miss it. Also lots of book recommendations coming from Kyle since he became a well-read... 15 year old on the inside, reading tons of fiction from Harry Potter to Stephen King.

Painkiller already, episode 459 with our guest Kyle Taylor. This episode of PKA is brought to you by Casper, GetQuip.com, and Blue Chew. So Kyle, anything new in your world? Yeah, man. Yeah, I've had a real interesting time. I spent the last 56 days. Talladega Nights, legend of FPS Kyle, just having a real good time. Meeting new, interesting people, learning all sorts of new and interesting techniques and skills and tactics.

Lifelong friends, I hope. I mean, I'm going to see if I'm allowed to contact some of these people. We'll get to that in a little bit, but yeah, made a couple of real good friends in there. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to talk to them because we're both felons, but I'm going to find out. Worked out a ton, did a lot of running, did a lot of dieting. I was 35 pounds. Had a real good time. It was a goddamn nightmare is what it was, Taylor. It was a goddamn motherfucking nightmare, all right?

I woke up. I don't even want to ask questions. I want to let you just go. I couldn't sleep the night before, right? I'm up like till 3 in the morning. I got to wake up at like 5 to get going and get there in time to prison to go to prison up crack it down time to get to prison you have to wake up early to go to prison insult to injury because it's a three-hour drive from my fucking house they couldn't they didn't send me to the one in atlanta they sent me to fucking talladega

alabama bumfuck nowhere, by the way. All right. Don't go. Don't go. The people aren't interesting and the locale is disgusting. And it's 108 degrees while I was there, by the way. So I get a ride. Kitty's neighbor actually drove me. Very nice woman. And she came and picked me up as well. And all she wanted was gas. Like she has a relative or an associate, I'll just say, who's also in prison right now. And so she understood, she's like, oh no, you're not taking an Uber or whatever or hiring a car. I'm, I'm going to take you. This is Kitty. We're talking about Kitty's friend.

Yeah. Kitty's neighbor. Yeah. And so, uh, get to prison like right before the cutoff, like I got to be there by noon. So I get there at 1130, you know I'm gonna enjoy as much freedom as I can before I go in stop at Zaxby's Get myself some chicken fingers some french fries can barely eat it can barely get it down I'm drinking like maylocks the whole drive because my stomach's so upset and I'm so stressed out with heartburn

like not wanting to go the fuck in there and so I go in and the guards like, yeah, they'll be here in a minute to get you. And then I go through these x-rays and this guard leads me up to this R and D room. I don't even know what that stands for. Maybe it's not research and development. I promise it's not that it's it's a reach arounds and and so they photo me and thumb print me

God knows how many fingerprints the government has me at this point I've done at least 10 times at least 10 you know and so they strip me down there's no cavity search I go through a which I thought there might be

I was hoping I was like hey I thought we were going to get a little closer search i go through a uh which i thought there might be you know i was and uh yeah you're over hey i thought we were gonna get a little uh closer here i brought my wet platinum and everything i'm prepared so they put me on an x-ray and it x-rays me and i'm like ah i need to lose some weight i can see in the x-ray i'm getting chunky and so go back there they stripped me down put me in these super lame prison clothes. I can't even figure out which side of the underwear is the front. There's no dick slot?

There's no dick slot. They're brown. They remind me of the burlap sack that you would see people wear in cartoons. On TV, the newbies have a different brown versus orange. Did that happen there? It's funny you mention that. I liken the experience of when you first get there and when you've been there for two weeks, four weeks, six weeks, and then I'm sure for years, as like a Skyrim character, like an RPG character in Fallout or something. And how at first you're like wearing

like ragtag bullshit you've got a spear and then by the end you're like all armored up and you got a machine gun and everything you're like fully kitted and fully geared very ragtag at first you know you could tell that i just fucking got there so were there orange was the jumpsuit orange or green there's no jumpsuit at all no jumpsuit at all. The the uniform is green pants brown shirt for the summertime And then there's a green button-up that goes over that in the winter time, but it's it's so fucking hot they let you wear a t-shirt and So they leave me from that's at the medium security where I was there And so somebody picks me up and takes me over to the camp, which is just a stone's throw away

so we get to the camp, which is just a stone's throw away. So we get to the camp and, uh, you know, I, I'm, I'm shown where my, where my barracks, my dormitory is and everything.

They give me a bed. I'm using air quotes cause it ain't a bed. It's a fuck. No, I would love a cot. What was it? It was one of those kindergarten pads. That's about three inches thick.

Like it's nap time motherfucker.. It's nap time, motherfucker. But it's on a platform of some sort. On a bunk bed that's like a net of springs. So it's like... You throw that up on the bunk bed, but everybody's got their own mattress. I go to the laundry. They fit me up with some green clothes and some brown shirts. And then they give me some big fucking army boots and some shit ass socks and a

couple more pairs of underwear, get all that shit in a bag. And I go to my, my cube. They're called cubes, not cells. We're in a big open dormitory, pretty progressive.

And each one is separated by a, like a block wall. That's like five and a half feet tall, kind of like here on me or something like that. I can look over. Yeah. Cinder block wall wall and there's about 80 of us in each dorm and in my cube there's already two guys in there and i'm now i'm the third uh and it's uh it's david this little mexican dude and block this black dude and i'm like yo what's your name, man? My name is Block. And I'm like, yes, it is. And in there, we've got a little locker, you know, and there's the three lockers side by side,

and you open these double doors up and you got three shelves on each side and you can put your shit in there, your shampoo, your soaps, your clothes, all your nonsense, all your food, whatever. Well, everything was fine. I was like, this isn't so bad. First of all, air conditioning is roaring in there. It must be 65 degrees on the hottest of days. They had this massive industrial air conditioning and running down the center of the ceiling is a gargantuan, maybe three foot in diameter AC pipe with the big heavy duty industrial vents pointed out to the edges toward the cots. So it's just blowing cold air.

Our tax dollars, keeping felons cool. That's the only thing they spend money on there. And so I'm like, all right, this is going to be okay. Now for the first like five days, I had no commissary money. We couldn't get it transferred in. My bank was blocking the transaction. So I couldn't buy any shampoo. I had to commissary money. We couldn't get it transferred in my bank was blocking the transaction So I couldn't buy any shampoo

I had to use like borrowed soap and I was still wearing the bullshit like level 1 RPG character clothes Which is super lame and I didn't know where anything was you know what to do about anything I couldn't even get a cup to put my water in I had to I had to like someone gave me a bottle of water And I would just keep refilling it at the water station. So, and then everything's fine. I'm getting to meet some people and get to know some people. And then like, and there's a TV room, which I would love to go to and watch television, but you can't without a radio. You have to have a radio and headphones, which are about a hundred dollars. And of course you need your commissary money to get, to get that. So I got to wait till like the next week to get my radio and

everything. So I basically just chill in my cell or my cube or whatever, until I get my commissary money. I can, I can get equipped at least as a level two character. And finally that happens. And now I got my radio. I got my, I got, I now I'm wearing sweatpants. You know, you don't have to indoors. I would just wear sweatpants and a t-shirt and flip-flops. This radio powers private headphones, I'm imagining? Yeah, it's just a little hand radio and you would tune it to the

station that corresponded with one of four televisions. On the left, you got ESPN. Don't change it from ESPN. That's where it stays, motherfucker. Just to the right of that, you got the black TV. Don't touch it from ESPN. That's where it stays, motherfucker. Just to the right of that, you got the black TV. Don't touch it, Whitey.

In the middle, you got the Spanish TV. Don't touch it, Hueto. And on the right, you got the Whitey TV. Now, you don't need to know this. You could walk in and tell. Because obviously on the left,

there's SportsCenter. Just to the right of that there's bet or vh1 just to the right of that telemundo and just to the right of that it's the fucking history channel i was gonna say hgtv they're watching out here i've got a lot of garden ideas yeah yeah so it doesn't take long before I start, you know, some people know how long I'm in there for. And I didn't realize it right at first, but I was told about a week or so in that like they think you're a snitch. They think that you are either part of one of those 60 day in reality shows because you don't look like a criminal and nobody gets 60 day sentences here. Like we've never seen that before, or you've gotten transferred here because you're a rat from another place. And that's why you've only got 60 days. So they immediately, there's immediately people who don't like me and don't want anything to do with me and are like talking about doing something to me how'd you find this info out initially i was i was told by the friends that i made about 10 days in they were

like yeah you're very good at fitting into new environments right doesn't matter boston people redneck people even canadian canadians i imagine sure these are fell that superpower work in prison i got along with the people i wanted to get along with, but there's 80 of us in there. So immediately I felt like I needed a representative from each race. So, um, I found a white guy who was, um, there weren't any big, tough white guys. They were only old white guys. There weren't any really young and big, tough white guys. So I found an old white dude named Pops and I made Pops my friend. Uh, Pops gave me a pair of sneakers the second day i was there uh and uh so i wouldn't have to buy any like like some like some under armor like sneakers

and then i said i need a black friend so i noticed that this big black dude with dreads big dude had his radio was like busted up and he had it all taped up with tape and i was like hey man what happened to your radio and he's like i fell and, it fell and it broke. These things are shit. I was like, look, I'm leaving in two months. You can have my radio. And he's like, for real? I was like, yeah, you can have the headphones too. And this is $100. And to these people, if they don't,

not all of them have loving family members sending $150 a week like I do. Or, you know, a bank account that Kitty can just take some money out of and send it in. This guy, he was like, for real? Now he's my friend. Now he loves me.

Now he's coming to me all the time with information and goodies. He'll bring me a pair of flip flops. They're 25 bucks. There you go, man. I got you something. He'll bring, he's like, I saw you like those diet Pepsis. Here's a six pack. He's always bringing me shit.

Then one day, well, let me, let me complete my trio of protectors. Then I'm assembling the fellowship of the federal prison system here, the Tolkien-style band of merry men. And then I was like, well, I definitely need a Spanish dude. And this guy, Snow, is sitting there watching TV one day. So I'm sitting like two chairs from him, and I strike up a conversation with him. Snow is a there watching TV one day. So I'm sitting like two chairs from him and I start, I strike up a conversation with him. Snow is a big fucking dude. Um,

and, uh, and I told him what I was there for and he thought that was bullshit. And then he started telling me what he's there for. Well, he's a, he's a member of a Mexican crime family, uh,

out of Texas. He's in for trafficking, aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and fleeing the police. And that's just what they caught him for. He confessed to two different capital crimes to me while I was there that he had not been charged or for, um, on the track,

he runs three miles a day and then he does 10 chin ups every quarter mile with 40 pounds tied to his waist. And he changes his grip every 10, every 10, uh, chin up. So it's a different grip for each, for each set.

It's either these or these or these or the wide ones. They're always different. And he explains this to me in great detail all the time. He's very meticulous about his routine. Are you telling me this fucker repeats stories? Every day. He's been in for 10 years, and he's got five more to go, something like that,

on his charges. And he's got a really strong, like, cholo accent. Yo, homie, yeah, I've been in here a long time, homie. I'm just like, ah, cool, man. That sucks. You know, you're going to get out soon. You're going to see your family. Well, after like two days of knowing him, he's like, hey, man, you want to go work out with me?

And I'm like, yeah, yeah, that'd be great. He's like, I'll come by yourself seven o'clock in the morning. All right. You'd be ready. Yeah, I'll be ready. So every day I go with him, we run our three miles. I'm not doing chin-ups. I run my three miles and, uh, and, and, you know, have a good day. And, and, uh, it turned out that he was watching my back the whole time I was in there. And anybody that wanted to fuck with me, he was squashing it before I even knew anything about it because like the scariest thing that happened was about 10 days in the black guy comes by my cell and i'm sitting in bed reading we know this black guy your friend the dreaded black guy i've given the radio to yeah he comes by and he goes yo man i thought i'd let you know there's somebody in here that's wanting to get with you and i went i sit up in bed you know i'm lying down like reading like this

and i sit up i go mark place here someone's looking to get with me I already have a workout partner. He's like, yeah, they looking to get with you. I was like, well, you let them know that I'm not looking to get with anybody. And I won't go down with a fight. I was like, that's not happening. He's like, I'll pass the word on, man, but you watch your ass. And I'm thinking, like, I wonder if he's going to add literally at the end. But he's not a smart guy so he just walks away and now i'm terrified because he's not bullshitting he's very serious he whispers this to me and he he's he's one of my closer associates in there and i'm just

like fuck now i'm terrified of the shower now i'm terrified to go in there so now i have to time my showers for when snow showers now now me and Snow, the big Mexican guy, we work out together already. So it works out fine that we both go back to ourselves, get our towels, get our stuff, and we go to the shower. And so the shower, you walk into this room and there's five different shower heads and they're each separated by a partition wall with a shower curtain behind you. It's very private. It's nicer than my high school showers. It's really nice.

Those shower heads have excellent pressure and never-ending hot water. It's excellent. And by this time, I've got good soap. It's the same brand I use. Good shampoo. I've got a good towel. I've got everything. So you walk up to the door of this thing.

It's a shower curtain too. And you pull it back a little, and you avert your eyes in case somebody's standing there naked because you don't want to get caught or accused of of cock cock looking or something like that meat gazing a dick peek and you you say you say as as aggressively and as and as much of a manly tone as you can shower and and whoever was last to go into the shower, you don't go shower. So whoever was the last to go into the shower, they call back and they answer with whichever showers are available. So if somebody's in one and three, they go two, four and five. And then you holler back going in five. And then you do it while averting your eyes once again, because it's just a shower curtain separating you. And then you holler back, going in five. And then you do it while averting your eyes once again,

because it's just a shower curtain separating you. And then I would always go in five because that was a handicapped shower. And it's very nice. It had the big shower head. Yeah. And the like chest high shower thing too. So I would take incredibly fast showers. I get clean and I get the fuck out.

And when you're ready to leave, you say, leave in five. And everybody says, all right. And then you get the fuck out of burning your eyes again but the whole time i'm gonna say from from from from the time that dude told me that until like two weeks ago i was terrified to go to the bathroom the whole time like like like there was a day when i didn't catch snow in time and i was like i'll shower tomorrow what's the actual bathroom situation like? There are three, no, there are four toilets in stalls, just

like in a department store or anywhere else. There's a urinal and there's like six sinks. So, it's fine. You know, the toilet paper was awful. I immediately bought toilet paper. Like, I got some fucking Charmin right away. It is a must-have item to anyone who's about to go to prison.

Get your Charmin toilet paper. So yeah, the snow guy, it turned out, was watching my back the whole time. Anytime anybody would say anything about me, or anytime I did something I shouldn't do, he would pull me to the side and be like, hey. One time I pissed, and I didn't wash my hands. He's like, hey, somebody said you didn't wash your hands. I'm like, somebody told you I didn't wash my hands when I pissed? He's like, yeah, you got to wash up, man.

People take that shit seriously, you know, because you're going to touch the microwave or you're going to touch the TV. And I'm like, I didn't even touch my dick. I was like, I just whipped it out. He's like, don't matter. They don't know. For all they know, you're washing your hands and pissing there you gotta wash your hands and I'm like I'll lather them bitches up like I'm about

to go into the operating room from now on if it'll keep anything bad from happening or anybody from yelling at me so now I'm scrubbing the fuck out of my hands every day and they're like I've got OCD they're getting red like you know how red they are I only use hot water.

Just hot. Just hot. My skin's cracking. I'm so clean. They're coming out like crab legs. And I'm just like, this is just. Then I get into a shouting match with a guy one morning at the TV room. Because it's just me and a black guy.

I get up at four in the morning at this point of my my stay and it's just me and this black guy and uh and the tvs are on the local local news like all of them are and i'm like i don't give a fuck what's going on in montgomery alabama i don't give a fuck i'm gonna change the white tv to everybody loves raymond i want to watch the sitcom he goes yo we watch the news in the morning and i was like we'll watch it on one of those tvs man there's three fucking tvs here we watch the news he's about to crack i found out later he's been in there for 14 years and he's got two more two more this maniac this maniac named chico he's coming out soon he takes them unless he has a fucking conniption fit over the over the morning news while i'm away then then yeah he'll get out soon so chico wanted all four of the tvs turned to the the local the various local news abc cbs

nbc he wanted all of the local news stations on simultaneously so he'd know everything that was going on in downtown Birmingham that morning. He needs three different fucking weather reports, three different weather girls. And I'm just like, all right, here you go. Happy now? He goes, great. All right. Fine. Won't come back.

I just won't come back in the mornings. Because I don't want to watch the morning news. For some reason, this seemed real depressing to watch what was actually going on just outside the fence and down the road. CNN is one thing, but I just didn't give a shit what was going on. And boring as fuck. It was a weird fucking time. Those guys thinking that I was a snitch didn't wear off until about six weeks ago.

Like, or two weeks ago was when I started like making more friends when people started realizing like, Oh, I guess he, he's actually just in here. I guess, I guess the,

I guess judges really do give people two months. They just got to know you over time when you started to fit in. Yeah. Yeah. Um, they, they, they trusted me with the locations of the hidden knives. Um, months of new friends. They just got to know you over time when you started to fit in. Yeah. They trusted me with the locations of the hidden knives. I was trusted with that information. If you want to slice up an onion, which is contraband by the way. We're not supposed to have onions.

Or if you want to make your own relish because there isn't relish out of a pickle. I've seen people nibble those items down and into chunks the guys who the but but i was trusted with the sacred location of two of the three knives in the dormitory um i won't say where they were but they're hidden in public was that last word in like a public area like like not in anybody's cell and not in anybody's locker they're put somewhere where nobody would get in trouble they're hidden in a third party location anyone right exactly exactly

and and you know they've just it's really rudimentary blade that you can chop up an onion or a tomato with without mushing it all up um the the the stuff that people ate in there i couldn't get over it first of all let, let me start with this. There's a currency in prison. They're called Macs, M-A-C-S, Macs. And I didn't know what a Mac was for the longest time. And I didn't want to ask. I felt like a dummy. And then I realized it about four or five weeks in. Macs are packages of mackerel fillets. Ew. I was ungodly confident it was mac and cheese. You know, the crap in the blue box.

I was like, I can't believe Kyle didn't figure this out. I guess if these guys are working out all the time, they need their protein, their lean meats, and so they want their macs. What it is, it's a 70-cent item in the commissary. So it's close to a dollar, and it's also one of the cheapest things in the commissary and it's meat and they all ate it it's what they all ate it was disgusting i only tried it once like like snow would cook for me and and i and i ate some of it

and i was just like this is not for me this is fucking gross so like they gamble with max, they, they, they loan each other max to, for like favors and any number of things. Like they bet on football games. You know, I'll bet I got 15 max that the bills are going to cover the spread. Uh, they'll play poker with max, you know,

I'll buy in for 20 max and he'll have, he'll have some like chips that they make out of tearing playing cards in half. Each of those is a chip. Each of those is a Mac. And I couldn't understand why these motherfuckers were eating macs because there was tuna in there and what i ate the whole time was chili i found right away thumbs down kyle this isn't jackie's chili this is prison chili this is good chili okay it's a company called brushy creek i wrote it down because i want more of it. That's how good it was. All right. I stopped going to the cafeteria the third day I was there. Not because the food

was bad. It was good. It was like high school food. It was just like high school food. They had hamburgers and hot dogs on Memorial Day. They had hamburgers once a week, fried chicken once a week. They'd have baked ziti. It was pretty good. Swedish meatballs one day. Breakfast was gravy and biscuits, grits, oatmeal, stuff like that, scrambled eggs some days, pancakes once a week. It was fine, but I didn't feel like it was good for me. So three days in, whenever I start working out with snow, I'm like, I'm going to go on a diet. So I averaged out to about 375 calories a day for the two months I was there. I did the math because a bag of chili is 300 calories. Uh, and I'd eat one bag a day, but most days I would

skip at least one day I would eat today, not eat tomorrow, eat the next day. Um, so I would eat like every other day, but one, one week I went four days without eating. Uh, and Jesus Christ. Yeah. Cause they're not doing a lot. I'd run my three miles in the morning, and then you're just sitting there, reading or watching TV or sleeping. That's all you're doing all day. So you said you were getting up at 4 a.m. Were you napping?

What's the napping situation like? Yeah, yeah. So the schedule is this. At 5 in the morning the lights come on boom bright as fuck fluorescent right in my eyes because i'm on the top bunk looking straight up and that wakes you right up you're you're up now and at 7 30 your bed is supposed to be made now you can still lie in that bed but it has to be made beneath you so and if if you get caught still in the covers the guard caught me one day and he went ding ding ding you need to make the bed and get over them covers buddy like ah no problem man i

just overslept all right good day and just kept moving along you know it's not a big deal but i would that was the only time it ever happened because it was really the only time I've ever done it. It was a fluke that he caught me. So I had a sheet and I would cover up with the sheet to take a nap. And I had a pillow that I made by taking a sweatshirt and stuffing it full of regular shirts. So I had a decent pillow. And

I would nap a lot. I would try to sleep the day away as much as I could. Like the middle part of the day when I'd already eaten or I'd already read for like four hours and I was just, you know, I needed to just chill out and nothing on TV or midway through my stay. They took the televisions away during certain daily hours so that people would work their jobs.

You know, I would just sleep through that. And it was, uh, you're trying to create the stasis they have in sci-fi where you can wake up two months later. Yes, that's exactly what I'm trying to do. And I said openly i was like if i can go in a coma and wake up when i get up because this is this is like throwing away life like like there's no there's no there's nothing to gain here but i did read i read an incredible amount. First, I read Lord of the Rings. I got Lord of the Rings out of the library,

and I read it in five days. It's about 1,000 pages or something like that, so I didn't make crazy good time, but Tolkien is kind of a tough read. And so I got through that, loved it. I still like the movies better, and I think they did a good job combining multiple small characters

into one main character, and I think that really benefits the story. And then I just started getting crazy with the books, just more and more and more. I read the fifth wave, which is this alien invasion series of books. There's three of them. They made a movie about it. It's probably a book for teenage girls, but I still liked it. It was, it was, it was fun. The main character is like a 16 year old girl. Aliens have basically killed like 99% of the human population. And She's kind of on the run and she's like a freedom fighter trying to fight against the aliens. And I love that. I thought it was pretty good. I read all three of those books. They're four or 500 pages each.

And then Chiz sent me Anthony Cumia's book. I read through that in a day. He sent me Howard Stern's latest book, read through that in a he's and then I got a whole shipment of books Kitty sent me all seven of the Harry Potter books. I read through Seven all to all seven of those in about two weeks And the later ones are like a thousand pages. So I just blazed through those things Then she sent me 11 22 63 the best book I've ever read in my entire fucking life. It's Stephen King. It's Stephen King. There's a Hulu

television show about it, based on it, with James Franco playing the main character, which I'm going to start watching tonight. The premise is this. I won't spoil it. There is a portal that this man can walk through that takes him back to 1958, on a specific day, at a specific time,

at the same location he's sitting at. He's only traveling through time, not space. Once he's through, he can do whatever he wants. He could live there if he wants, or he could just go shoot a guy and walk right back through the portal and see how that affected the future. If he goes back through the portal, completely resets everything. Same thing. He goes right back, same day, same time as the first time, and he could kill a different person and keep experimenting. Well, he decides he's going to prevent the assassination of John F. Kennedy, who was assassinated on 11-22-1963.

The only problem is he's in 1958. So he's got to live in the past for five years. And he's got to make sure that Lee Harvey Oswald actually killed him. Because he doesn't want to kill an innocent man. Especially after spending three years there. Because if he does, he goes back

and JFK's dead anyway. He's wasted years of his life. And he's got to go do it again and find the real killer. Is he aging as this happens? Yeah. He starts out and he's 35. But he's again and find the real killer so he aging as this happens yeah yeah he starts out and he's 35 but he's gonna be 40 by the time he gets back and so he decides that he's got to make sure that oswald did it so he has all these meticulous notebooks that his friend gave him uh who owns the place where the portal exists and he basically stalks lee harvey oswald and goes really like cloak and dagger, like private

detective on him, put planning listing devices in his apartment. He would rent the apartment underneath Lee Harvey Oswald so he could run a wire in and listen to his conversations with this other guy and see like what he's up to. He's stalking him everywhere, seeing what he's doing. He watches him get the rifle. He watches him hide the rifle. Like it's great. And you know, he lives a life during that five years it's not just laser focus on oswald because oswald doesn't even come back

into the country from russia until like i don't know what maybe 60 61 something like that so he travels the the portals in maine that's where all stephen king's books are based for the most part so he's got to travel down to Dallas, Texas. And he goes on adventure the whole way. He meets a woman and he falls in love and he makes friends and relationships. He gets a job that's very fulfilling. And he changes people's lives for the better. And in the end, he's finally got to do something about Lee Harvey Oswald.

It's excellent. Love that. And I was like, all right, well, I need more Stephen King. So then I read it. It's 1250 fucking pages. That took a while. I didn't know that there was an 11 year old girl who got banged by six 11 year old boys in that book. But sure enough, they had themselves a nice little gang bang right there toward the end. They call it the most needless sex scene in all of literature. Do they say that? Or am I

being gullible? No, no, that's what I've heard people be like, yeah, it was pretty good, but what the fuck? Why was that? It's funny enough, on a business trip, I started reading it while you were in prison.

Got a couple hundred pages in haven't touched it in a while but yeah maybe i'll get to the the rape scene eventually it's very far give me the page number of the rape scene that saved me a lot of time i would there's about 1250 1300 pages and i would guess it's around page 1100 or something so start there it's right at the end yeah start right there at the end yeah it's i mean they explain it but it's like still you could have just not caused that issue like basically the children have this connection with one another and they almost like superpowers each of them has their own little superpower but it's like a real minor league superpower like this one guy he's always got a knack for knowing

which way to go if they're in a bunch of tunnels he's got a feeling it's to the left you know and he's right well that starts fading away because they've kind of completed their mission and they've you know the the magic is fading and the girl's like i know what we got to do boys only one thing for it and they're like why are you getting naked she's like pulling her shorts down you got to stick your thing in me and so they each of them in succession bangs her and and in not great detail but a little bit too much detail we learn how big each of their dicks are and which one of them which of them have orgasms at 11 years old and and what she's feeling and she's feeling some wet stuff on her leg and she doesn't know if it's blood or cum and what she's feeling and she's feeling some wet stuff on her

leg and she doesn't know if it's blood or cum and it's like god damn she's 11 she's 11 i don't need to hear about beverly and king is a fucking creep if i was in that scene i'd be like can i get like a four-year rain check because i'm 11 and this doesn't look good for me man it so so really liked it though i like you know aside from that childhood gangbang thing, I wasn't too much into that. Did they restore their superpower? I really want to know. Yeah. You got to read it.

Immediately. Immediately, Richie, the character Richie, goes, I know what we did. Back there. We're supposed to turn right. Really? Yeah. He literally does. As they're dressing, he's like, I got it.

Go back through there and make a right wait i can i i'm sensing humor me try try your mouth for a minute so you read a fuck ton like just tore through how many pages would you estimate you read like 8 000 yeah about 8 000 i've got a box of my books in there. And it's like a legal box about 12 inches by 12 inches, maybe 14 by 14. And it's stacked full overflowing. I read The Gunslinger. I read Mr. Mercedes. Mr. Mercedes. Then I read Finders Keepers. And I'm going to read End of Watch next. That's a three book series Stephen King wrote that's based in reality, not too much science fiction bullshit about a retired police detective after this criminal terrorist. Loved that shit.

Read a ton of books. I'll just stop there and say I read a ton of fucking books and they really helped pass the time. Oh, I bet. Was anybody else in the in the prison taking your approach to this or were they all there for so much longer? It was like, I can't possibly read this away. Yeah. And, and if I were in there for any period of time, more than I was,

if you're doing real time, if you're doing, I don't even know if you call a year real time. Cause a lot of these guys are nine years into 12 or eight years into 15 and stuff like that. That's real time. Um, one guy had been in prison for for going on 25 years and he's old as shit. He had three more to go. If you're doing that, you want to get a job there at the prison. You want to get into the auto mechanic shop and you want a routine that is constantly filled with things to do. See, my routine had lots of holes in it where I've got like four hours to

kill and nothing to do but read. And you're eventually going to get tired of that. These guys have jobs. You know, he's like, ah, I wake up. I work out. I shower. I go to the auto mechanic shop. I wash some cars. I change some oil. I come back.

I shower again. I eat. Then I go to the leather shop and I make purses for my wife. I'm going to send her these bootleg Gucci purses that I make here at prison and mail them off to my wife. He's like, you want one, bro? I'm like, nah, I think we might be committing a felony. Just doing what you're doing there, but keep it up.

Keep it up, buddy. They look real. They look legit. Counterfeit Gucci purses in prison. That guy is awesome. They look so real. How does smoking work? You didn't mention smoking.

Oh, buddy. Look, I was going to light up on the show, but I ordered clove cigarettes, which only have like 10% tobacco. They're mostly like this herb. They're like clove cigarettes which only have like 10 tobacco they're mostly like this earth like they're like clove in there what's normal 100 oh okay yeah and and uh so they're not bad for you i don't want to smoke a real cigarette and get addicted again but like i was gonna light up so i could show you how you light a cigarette in prison um you take two double a batteries right just like this side by side obviously they're inverted positive

negative and they're taped together with masking tape and then out of a scrub pad not a brit not a not steel wool but a scrub pad that has like the the mesh of wires in it you get one of those wires out and you and you connect the two ends and the center of it turns red hot and you can light a cigarette with that and there's two classes of people. There are the people who have real cigarettes, Marlboros, Kools, and there are the people who are rolling their own. They have a bag of tobacco and some rolling papers. Now getting caught, they're not going to give you more time, but they're probably going to send you to the shoe for two weeks. That was my experience.

The shoe is solitary confinement for guys who don't watch prison videos like me. Yeah, sorry. Yeah, I believe it stands for solitary confinement. I think it stands for solitary housing unit, and it sucks. You're not allowed to flush your own toilet in there. You have to, hey, it's brown. Flush it down. And he has to come in from the outside and flush your fucking phone.

It looks yellow. I'm going to let it melt. Yeah. Yeah. And if you're in there, you're just locked down 23 hours a day. I think you get up for a shower once a day and that's it. That's it. You're just locked down.

And I didn't want that. A guy had gotten it, excuse me, right before I got there. The guy who had been in my bed, I was like, where'd this guy go? Because he left a lot of his shit in his locker. Like, I'll take this toothpaste. I didn't have any. I'll take this brand new toothbrush. All right, now I got one. What happened to him? He's like, well, the warden came through. We were warned, of course, as we always are. And she was inspecting. And when she walked past his cube, he was stuffing rolled cigarettes into his sock. And she went, what's that?

He went, what's what? And they snatched his ass up and they threw him in the shoe for two weeks. I met him about two weeks later. He told the same story everybody else had told. Like, fuck, I don't want to get caught. And you're not going to smoke. You're not going smoke in there i would i wouldn't risk it at all no i would never smoke in there there's no way like no matter how stressed out i got um but everything is available by the way like forget cigarettes because every time there's a count that's the most important thing

as far as the guards are concerned by the way way. Guards don't care about your safety. They don't care about what drugs, tobacco, alcohol, contraband you have. As long as nobody's bleeding and you're all there, that's all the fuck they care about. And they come through every three hours and they count you three or four hours, roughly. But you know exactly when. It just varies whether it's three or four hours spread out.

That ties into one of my questions the guard relationship so you made friends with snow uh you didn't make friends with guards they weren't there to protect you is that a bad idea so that's a terrible idea and i had to stop that the guards wanted to be friends and i had to tell them to get the fuck away from me uh the guards recognized me like two or three of them did and those two or three told their buddies who i was and then they became like fast fans and they all wanted like autographs and to like talk to me and ask me about all kinds of stuff that I'd done. And, uh, and they kept coming by my cube talking to me and, uh, and snow was like, Hey man, I see you talking to those guards a lot. What's up? And I'm

like, Oh, they're coming by because I, I do this thing on the internet with guns and stuff and they've seen it before, and they like it. So they're kind of like fans. And he's like, oh, that's cool, man. That's cool. But everybody ain't going to believe that. He's like, that looks bad. He's like, that looks like you snitching, you know, because they seem to like you a lot, and you just got here, you know?

That don't make no sense. And I'm like, oh, shit, you're right. Yeah, yeah. So I have to tell this guard. I'm like oh shit you're right yeah yeah so i have to tell this guard i'm like hey man i appreciate you coming by it's nice to talk to somebody who isn't a fucking criminal but you gotta stop and you tell the others not to stop too because these guys are looking at us right now turn around and like sure enough there's a dude over there like fucking watching just me mugging you.

Listening in, listening in, trying to see what, see what I'm saying. See if I'm telling about snitching. See if I'm fucking snitching. And so, and I'm like, they think I'm a snitch already. Like day one they have. And y'all are friendly with me. And I just got here and like, like I would love to go to your house and chill and have a good old time and drink a beer.

But I can't be seen with you like this um because that it's looking bad so then the guards cut that out and they stopped they respected what i said and they understood it so i definitely had to shut that down right away that that was not that was not going well so your situation special could a regular person use that tactic of like i don't know just getting a little guard protection no that's what guards do they don't guard people no fuck no no they guard you from me they guard the civilian from the felon they're there to keep you there that is their only concern that is the all they care about they'll come through the only thing they would ever yell about they would they would

scream it don't you fuck up my count. Cause they're coming through to count everybody. And you know, they're coming cause they just announced it. And you know what time they were coming anyway. So if you're in the fucking shower and when they come around to count and they count everybody and it comes up one short because your ass was in the, in the shower and they got to come back around,

they might take you to the shoe for that. Really? Yeah. I saw a guy get threatened severely because he was in the shower. He'd been there a year. He was this gay guy that was next to me in the cube next to me. He was in the shower when count time came around and he was like, I just didn't know. And I'm like, motherfucker, I've been here for a month and I know.

How do you not know? And he's like, I lost track of time. And I'm like, well, don't. Everybody seems very upset with you. He's like i lost track of time and i'm like well don't everybody seems very upset with you he's like nah the next day they fucking straightened him out right away they cussed his ass out and screamed guard some dudes no oh so inmates yeah because because they'll lock us all down they'll lock us down and like like they'll take things they'll take our microwave away or they'll take our television privileges away or they'll take our wreck time away or they'll do something like that they'll fuck everybody up over one guy and uh it's like the military in that way it seems yeah that and so that we'll punish the the offender yeah

that's all it's about they wouldn't they would never say that but that's what it's about uh there was a guy right before i'd gotten there who had snitched on somebody over cell phone uh they had a cell cell phones are one of the worst things you can have in there. Like as far as getting in trouble, um, for whatever reason, in my opinion, they should just let us have cell phones and let, and cause I don't get it. I don't know why we can't have them, but we can't. There's a lot of cell phones in there. I would, I would go into the bathroom and I could hear the guy in the stall talking to his girlfriend. Yeah, babe. Yeah, I'm just chilling up in here doing what I do. How's little Ray Ray?

And I'm like, all right, let's finish this piss. Get out of here. Don't want to be in here. Don't need to hear about Ray Ray. I don't need to hear about Ray Ray. As far as I know, there is no Ray Ray. That's right. Is there a Ray Ray?

I don't know. And so he snitched on this guy over his cell phone. Well, the next day, three dudes beat the dog shit out of him in the cube until there's blood on the floor. And then at the end of the day, they decide that's not enough of a beating. So they chase him out to the end of the wreckyard and beat the shit out of him again over snitching on them over the cell phone because they knew it was him. I think most of the time you don't know who told on you. But in this instance, they were like, that's the motherfucker right there. And plus he wasn't popular enough or protected enough or with a group of people enough that you could single this guy out and whip his ass, kind of like I was.

As it's happening across the rec rec field or whatever are there not guards like just watching that nowhere near nowhere near you could murder somebody out there nobody now god damn cube mates so you mentioned block at the top of the show and i thought he was going to turn into an ally but we haven't heard him since nah he was gone pretty quick he moved to a different cell um because there's three of us in there and two is the standard. So he went somewhere where he'd be doubled up. Then Greg came in. Greg's a 50-year-old black guy who's the most annoying motherfucker on the planet as far as I'm concerned.

Real nice guy. Not only does the man talk to himself, he eats all day long, and he puts the most disgusting stuff. He's a black guy. He puts the most disgusting hair treatment in his hair that I've ever known a man. Known a man. It's a mixture of kerosene and you know those big fat permanent markers that could get you high if you sniff them? It's that. He's rubbing a gel that smells like that in his hair.

It's so strong that I'll be covered up like a blanket over my head sleeping in the middle of the day and I'll go, wake me out of my sleep. Smelling salts. I don't even have to look. I know that Greg is on the other side of that blanket putting his daily, four times a day he put it in. I counted. Plenty of time. Four times a day.

Four times a day he puts his hair treatment in. And he talks to himself about everything. Alright! About to start this Monday. Monday morning. Yes sirree. Start another day, i'm you call your cellmates sellies okay so he's talking to me but not really talking to me i found out quickly that he doesn't expect a response from me just maybe a nod or an acknowledgement or a smile

yeah silly my silly about to get on up out of here about to get on up out get to the house he's dictating your life too. Yeah. By the way, I'm feeling a little constipated. I can tell. I saw you eating them prunes. They're prunes. Eat a few of them. You're going to poop, poop, poop, poop it out.

It's like I got Bill Cosby sitting right next to me 24 hours a fucking day. I can't follow your roommate situation. So you moved in. You were the third. Snow leaves. Greg moves in. Block leaves. Snow was never his situation. So you moved in. You were the third. Snow leaves. Greg moves in. Block leaves. I said it. I made a mistake.

Block leaves. Greg moves in. You're back to three. Back to three. Okay. I am keeping up. Then David leaves, and then it's just me and Greg. Lucky you.

David had had enough of Greg. I asked David. I was like, hey, man, why'd you move? He's like, man, I couldn't take much more here. He was like, how do you stand it? I was like, I didn't know I had an option. Can I just leave? Could you leave?

When it was down to two, you can't leave anymore. I think I could have left, but that would have been pretty obvious why I was leaving, right? I don't want to be rude to Greg. Greg's going to walk over to your new son and be like, my former son, he's about to catch an ass whooping. He's about to realize he grievously underestimated Greg. Oh, now my Sally's nose is bleeding.

Sally gonna wish he hadn't fucked Greg. How's my hair smell now? We're so annoying nice guy nice guy like but it's so funny that someone like just that's just annoying as fuck is in prison too and the same rules apply where it's like god this guy bless his heart but he fucking sucks yeah he sucked so much nobody liked him everybody um what did my snow called him kerosene because he thought he smelled like kerosene uh but snow can't pronounce kerosene so it sounded more like cherishing snow uh when when snow said shank like a shank you'd stab somebody with he said chank chink. Yeah, they come at me with a chink. He come in with chink in the kitchen. I was going to box him. I said, I don't need no blade, Holmes. I got these

bows to cut you up. All right, man. Sounds good. Snow's also going for a run. This is during the run. During the run, he would tell me crime stories. He would tell me all his criminal history, even that that the federal government didn't know about. He told me, first of all, man's 48 years old. He has a son two years older than me. Two years older than me. I'll save you the math. He was 13 and a half. Thank you. It was incalculable over here. Had his first son when he was 13 and he married that girl but he kept he kept some bitches on the side you got to and he's just telling me all of his exploits both criminal personal family life talking about the time they drove by shot him and he stopped we stopped and he shows me the bullet wounds talking

about this time they stabbed him in medium security and he shows me this stab wound that looks like frankenstein fucking stitched it up god damn all this crazy shit talking about all the fights he's gotten into. He almost got into three fights while I was there. But people would back down when he came after him. They would apologize and put their hands up. He was just that big from his pull-up regimen?

I mean, he was just down to fight. And if you get in a fight in there, you're in trouble. And he... What did he say? You gotta represent. That's what he'd say. I was like, man, you're about to get out. You's what he'd say. He was I was like man You're about to get out. You got to keep your head down. He's like mmm got to represent and I was like, who are you representing? The family and I'm like, oh You said he was part of a Mexican crime family. He's an ex-fire. He's part of Mexican crime family

They tried to charge him for an extra blanket in the commissary, or not the commissary, the laundry. He said, yo, you trying to tax the family? Do I need to let my people know? And he was like, what? Who are you talking about? He's like, you better ask around. I'll be back for my blanket. He came back. I saw him an hour later with a blanket. He's like, you want a blanket? I'll get you one too. I'm like, I don't want to be involved with the family. I don't need a blanket at all. You can have mine if that's what it takes,

but don't involve me with your blanket crime family nonsense. Three miles running, right? Yeah. If Snow had offered to take me on three mile runs, I'd be like, where are we going to start? Are we going to start at the, did you run three miles right out of the gate and do it next to Snow?

Well, there's breaks when he does his chin-ups. So that's what you needed to get three miles next to him. Yeah, yeah. Because you would have rests. We would take a break and he would, however long it took him to do 10 chin-ups. And it took him a while because he has to, he took a net and put the two medicine balls in it,

20 pounds each. And then he's got like an S hook type thing. I can't do it with my hands. And one of the hooks goes on a belt that he had had custom made where it was Velcroed together and then stitched so it wouldn't come off. And so he'd hook that onto his waist

and he'd do his 10 pull-ups. And then we'd go around and every two laps, every half mile, we would stop and drink water that's how we kept count um so he's like yeah we drank last lap so now this is four laps or yeah we drank last lap now it's eight laps so we keep it's quarter mile track so yeah we yeah i could do three miles the first day i was beat i was fucking wasted i would be um i i almost fainted um maybe i wasn't eating at the same time so like i was running and not eating and uh when i got in the shower my hands went numb and my feet went numb and i could barely get dressed um and so i almost fainted and i had

to turn that water all the way to cold and like blast myself with cold water to like not pass out the shower i did not want to be unconscious naked in the shower. No. It seems like a poor... Andy Dufresne realized he should have eaten breakfast. And it's at that moment Andy Dufresne realized his ass wasn't nearly as tired as he imagined.

This lit in easily, helped by the lubricant of the chili he hadn't finished that morning. Unfortunately, it was very spicy yes were there any fights while you were there like i know you weren't in any you did so even though there was a constant concern about fights it wasn't a constant occurrence no it was not a constant occurrence it was uh there was um there was talk of rape though um i talked to people who had been uh sexually assaulted and people who had witnessed sexual assault. The gay guy next to me, they had been coming after him a lot because he was 20 years old and fit.

He was doing two years for cocaine distribution. He had an ounce of coke he was selling, basically. Real nice guy. He was one of the few people who was intelligent enough to have a normal conversation like I'm having with you guys. I was like, what kind of TV shows do you like, man? He goes, Trailer Park Boys, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and Parks and Rec. And I'm like, my nigga. It's a winner.

Don't say that. That's what he said. That's what he said. He said, give me down. Give me down. Just me and you. So yeah, there were definitely talk that had happened and that did happen and uh both consensual and non-consensual but it was like you know don't so he had been frequently raped this guy you're talking to he managed to stop that from happening going yeah he eventually told on the person and uh he was pretty ostracized snow even said said it to me. He's like, that faggot. He told, he snitched on somebody

who was trying to get after him. And I'm thinking like, what's he going to do? Did you play into it? Like, yeah, what a bitch. What a bitch. But that's the thing. Like, I'm with you.

What are you going to do? This is like when parents tell their 13-year-old to just pop that 16-year-old in the nose. Bullies are actually very weak people no they're not you stupid fuck that's why they bully the wrestling team they're bullying you because they can't they're bullying you because they're not at even risk you know they can easily take you dude i can't like the scariest thing you've said so far is when snow came in and was like man there's guys who want to get with you or whatever the black guy yeah the black guy said oh the black guy said that to you like if someone said that to me in prison

thank god i'm not nearly as pretty as you are like i would have been like what what do i do like what's the what's the move do i just go about my miles stressed me out it stressed me out so much it stressed me out so much i didn't know what do. I knew I couldn't tell because you can't tell. It would be the equivalent of like if you're in like the fifth grade or something and Billy's fucking broke your pencil and you went and told Miss Walker and she goes, all right, I want the class to hear this. You've been picking on little Tommy here. Billy broke his pencil. Billy, you go outside and sit in the hall. I don't want anyone to be picking on little Tommy here anymore.

Tommy, you take that supple little ass and sit it back in your seat. Now everybody's like, all right, bitch. All right, bitch. That's what you do? Okay, okay. So you can't tell. And that's why when I would talk to Kitty or Chiz or anybody, I would be like, yeah, no sweat, because the guards are listening.

And if I'm just talking to you saying, yeah, man, they're threatening me in here, kitty or chis or anybody i would be like yeah no sweat because the guards are listening and if if i'm just talking to you saying yeah man they're threatening me in here the guards are gonna have to be because it's recorded and monitored they're gonna have to do something and it's gonna get back that i said something even though i didn't go like tug on a teacher's shirt tail and cry like a bitch you know i did sort of say something that got back to the guard that got back to them and and i didn't want that because i knew that would only make things worse like like the worst thing that was going to happen was i was just going to have to get in a fight we were just going to have to fucking fight it out before i was going to fuck

me or anything and we were going to i was gonna end up in the shoe probably alongside them and i was like that's not that bad as long as i put me in the shoe with them we're straight i'll steal my books that's not how solitary works kyle maybe it's two man it's two it's they call it solitary but it's it's two man cell yeah yeah oh i was joking okay that's a surprise to me all right it was to me too it's it's kind of an oxymoron solitary housing unit yeah both of you get in there so they could put a rapist in the shoe and then someone smokes a cig and they're like you're going in there with rapey ray and you're like i'm so sorry for smoking like i promise i'll never do it again please don't put me in there yeah was it a mistake to talk to the wrong people no i'm a little surprised that you were able to have white friends black friends and mexican friends this is different than i saw on youtube

and and you mentioned that you even liked uh a guy who was a snitch and you talked to him and you said he was a smart guy and he enjoyed his company i would have thought you'd be like i can only talk with old white guys or something well i wouldn't associate with the snitch outside like i would only associate with him in the way i would be sitting in my top bunk and i can see him over the wall into his cube and that's the only time i talked to him um he would always ask me to come outside and play frisbee with him or something like that i'd be like no i can't do that no i don't want to be seen with you outside they're either going to think i'm gay you told them they're gonna yeah i didn't tell them they're gonna think i'm gay i just said no i don't want to play frisbee you

know i was polite about it or whatever i don't't wanna make a big deal. But, uh, as far as being able to like get along with all the races, there is a lot of racism in there for sure. Uh, snow was incredibly racist. Like when I said that my cellmates smelled bad, snow was like, yeah, the blacks, they stink. Right. And I was like, I was like, it doesn't have anything to do with his race other than the fact that you know he's using a hair treatment that's specifically for black people but he chose the stinky one you know there there's plenty of them that smell fine i'm sure because not everybody smells like this guy you actually would offer up like a little response to no i'd be so afraid i'd be like yeah dude super stinky my what else do you believe that I also believe? It was the opposite. I have a suspicion he's a bad swimmer.

They can't swim for shit either. Low credit score having motherfuckers? No, it was the opposite because we're not alone on the track. The black people are the majority. If I had to break down the racial breakdown, I would say 15% white, 10 10 mexican and the rest is black right 75 black or something like that so as we're going around the track we're surrounded by black guys and he's literally saying

yeah the blacks they got no honor they'll fuck their own sister and And I'm like, he goes, right? And I go, mm-hmm. Right? And he's older. I think his hearing wasn't that great because I had to really speak up, you know, and like look at him. The funny thing about this guy, not only was his English not 100%, neither was his Spanish. I don't know where he's from. He never committed to get even one language down 100%. He had a hard time with Telemundo,

and his conversations with me weren't what you'd call fluent. But he'd say these incredibly racist things out loud, definitely within earshot of black men. He'd be like, yeah, the blacks, they stink. And I'd just be like, hmm, I don't know. Was he saying the blacks, or was he saying some other more no he wouldn't he only used the n-word one time when he said that you he's like you can't call them the n-word though and uh and i was like yeah of course you can't well i didn't say that but i was

like yeah they don't seem to like where was he at the top of this year for me it's it's hilarious because to him that was like uh like he showed up in prison and something happened. He's like, well, I guess that's off the table. So the food wasn't that bad. I was going to ask about that. My chili was so good. Let me tell you what I would make when I would eat because I got good at it. I would make cheese rice, which comes in a pack.

You just add hot water and this package of rice. I would add a ton of sriracha, five tablespoons of jalapenos, enormous. I remembered that spicy foods release dopamine and I figured this would make me feel better. So I'm making the spiciest shit I can. So a ton of sriracha, five tablespoons of jalapenos. I went through three family-sized jars of jalapenos while I was there and four bottles of sriracha while I was there. And I would put a jar of salsa, four ounces of salsa, and then I would put my 11-ounce baggie of chili in there, and I would cook it until it boiled,

until the beans softened up a little bit and everything incorporated. And I loved that shit. And I would still add more sriracha like to make it as hot as i could take it until i had tears running down my face and i had to blow my nose like two or three times a meal and i loved that shit like i genuinely wrote down the name of the company so that i can order some and like eat it here at some point it was really good your your cube yeah i would i would just eat in bed yeah i would i would go in the microwave room cook it up and go back to my bed and i would just kind of sit up cross cross like indian style and i would have the bed the the book folded out to my page and i would you know put the bowl in my lap and i'd just read as i ate uh and and that was my day that was sort

of my daily experience was wake up run take a take a shower, nap, nap, nap, read, read, read, eat, nap, nap, nap, nap, nap, nap lights out. Now I'm going to stare at the ceiling for a few hours. All right. Mission accomplished. And the lights are on. It was, uh, I had a calendar, so I was marking the days off, um, which seems a little silly with only two months, I guess, but still it was helpful for me to like no i like it

too yeah and uh and uh man every time i every time 9 p.m would come on and the lights were about to go off i'd kill one of those days it felt good yeah i was i was living for that were you able to sleep at nine like if if i napped during the day i in in your situation my sleep schedule might have been not very good uh i could not go to sleep um i was up most of the night every single night i had a book light you know the thing that clamps on the back of your book so i'd read a lot at night and i had my radio and there were only two radio stations though there was new country like modern country it's disgusting and there was classic rock so i'd listen to classic rock i'd read my book until probably 3 a.m maybe 3 a.m 4 a.m i could get

to sleep i get about two hours of sleep at night and then i'd sleep the rest during the day and i liked that because it meant more sleep during the day during those loud obnoxious hours that i didn't want to be a part of anyway and that's a sleep schedule you're already accustomed to. Pretty much. Not too far from it. The daytime is like, there's a little danger there. There's opportunities to make mistakes. Maybe you don't worry about that, but I do. Yeah. One of the things that I didn't like about the daytime was,

so the heat index there was 105 to 108 degrees for a large part of the time I was there. And I only wanted to take one shower. I'm not going to be filthy because if you're dirty, they'll talk shit too. That's just as bad as not washing your hands. If you stink, you're ostracized as well. So I'm like, got to take my one shower a day, but I don't want to go out and get sweaty again and have to take another one. So I'm not going to go outside. So I'm just in here. It's either watching television, reading my book or

sleeping. And it's really loud during the day in there, but I got to where I could sleep through it. Last night was weird sleeping in silence because even at nighttime in there, it is a symphony orchestra of farts and coughs. There needs to be a Harvard study on the digestive system of Talladega prisoners because there is something. Those farts sounded wet and hot and angry. Oh, God. And it was every two seconds. And you're in like a concrete room, so it's resonating.

There's 70 or 80 of us in there, and it's just. Just everywhere. They're popping off like shooting stars all night and this one guy would have a coughing fit every night that we would all make fun of and everybody would laugh as people made fun of it he would just start coughing and i'm not gonna like duplicate the cough because it would just be obnoxious on a microphone but it's just like there'd be a lot of those mixed in and like you know when you're coughing so bad you gag there'd be a lot of those mixed in and like like you know when you're coughing so bad you gag there'd be a lot of gagging and and you'd hear some black guy yeah spit it out like he gonna die and every and every time put him out of misery big tim and every time

that you know somebody would say something like eight of us would crack up and start laughing at this guy and and meanwhile i'm thinking like that gentleman's very ill dude on that note so sometimes i put myself in this position i need a c-pad machine if i don't have the c-pad machine i snore on an olympic level people would make fun of me i guess with or without oh don't worry woody they let you have your c-pad in there would they oh yeah that plenty of guys have them i'm not making this up. Yeah, my neighbor has one. Tolliver. Mr. Tolliver.

And I wouldn't be the only one. That's how I pictured it. Mr. Tolliver got in the wrong neighborhood when he was committing a crime. Mr. Tolliver is a 45-year-old black man, so not quite accurate on that. That's my 45-year-old black man accent. You guys know me? There were a couple of them. No one cared one like like no they're quiet they're even quieter than that yeah they're yeah except one of them malfunctioned one night and started like making all kind of crazy noises it made the high-pitched squeal really all night

and nobody did it's awful nobody did a thing i just felt myself like it's like guys look i know it's weird but it like you want me to wear this otherwise i keep this whole floor awake there were guys in there that that uh trump passed a lot by the way the people in uh i think we'll close out like the talk of the prison stuff maybe in like eight or eight minutes or so because i got plenty of more plenty more we'll carry on next week i don't want to do a whole show of this but there were guys in there who needed to get out it was bullshit that they were in there everybody's a big trump fan in there by the way black people white people everybody loves trump because trump is all about getting the federal prison system streamlined it's like oh are you over 60 years old and you've done 75

percent of your prison sentence well get the fuck out i are you over 60 years old and you've done 75% of your prison sentence? Well, get the fuck out. I think you've learned your lesson and you're barely a threat to us anymore. And so he passed this law that says just that. I may be off by 5% or five years up and down on the age and percentage, but it's roughly that. It might be 66%. If you've done two-thirds or I think it is. I think it's two-thirds of your sentence as well as being over 60 or maybe over 65 They're supposed to let you go he passed that like a year ago did a couple good things Kushner led that carry on The guy right across from me 66 years old. He's done 75% He's done not he's done like 10 of 12 years or something like that

He's sitting over there. He cannot walk. He has to use a walker. Snow brings him his meals. Snow's a genuinely nice guy. I'll say this one more thing about Snow. Snow doesn't eat in the cafeteria. He goes to the cafeteria and he gets a meal for the old man. And he gives that meal to him.

He only gets one meal. And he gives that meal to this old man who can't make it to the cafeteria. And nobody else is going to bring him any food. And then he cooks for himself. And he would offer me food every day. And he's a good cook. He would make breakfast burritos. He would steal eggs out of the kitchen and onions out of the kitchen. And it would

be like a tortilla with refried beans, spam, scrambled eggs, and onions. It was good. It was fucking... I I mean I don't love spam But like in prison It's like hell yeah give me some more of that He made me a nacho bowl the last Weekend I was there

We'd been talking about it for a month and a half He's like yeah I'm gonna make you a nacho bowl on the last week Because he knew I was on a diet And he just get this big bowl of like Doritos and chips with tortilla With refried beans and chili And also like steak he knew i was on a diet and he just get this big bowl of like doritos and chips with tortilla with um refried beans and chili and uh and and also like steak he made carne asada in prison in a microwave it was absurd nice guy is snow the one you offered your radio to is that no that's a

black guy uh i honestly don't know the black guy the dreadlock guy yeah dreadlock guy when i finally gave him that radio um day before yesterday i told him him, you know, I'll give it to you on the night I'm about to leave. I gave him the radio. He couldn't believe I had actually fulfilled my promise. He was like, may God bless you and all your future endeavors. For a $100 radio. He's like holding my hand, like I'm shaking his hand. May God bless you and all your future endeavors, young man.

Folks in here, they say one thing, they say one thing and they do another. And you are honest, man. And I appreciate that because that's a rare thing in the world. And that's damn rare in this lockup right here. Thank you, young man. And I was like. I guess I'm an honest guy, man, I've intended on giving you this radio the whole time. It was my idea. Like I wasn't I don't want this radio but i'm just like yeah man you enjoy did you have other things to give out like maybe yeah i gave i gave shit out to everybody yeah um uh greg my cellmate he got my my cup my reading light um my my dishware my tupperware my sword my knives and forks, and my shampoo, snow. He got all my condiments, my mayonnaise, my ketchup, my mustard, my sriracha sauce, my spicy Asian sauce,

all my condiments and stuff that was actually kind of valuable. And little things that I just passed out to random people. Oh, here's some extra earbuds. Here's a crossword book. You know, anybody who needed a thing. Did you ever go to the commissary with the purpose of buying things to hand out and kind of ingratiate yourself to the population there? Where you're like, max for 10 of you, each of you get five max. Yeah, no. But I was going to do that on the last day,

but it wasn't my dormitory's day to shop, and they wouldn't let me shop. And I was like, I'm leaving tomorrow. Just let me shop. I'll go last I'm leaving tomorrow. Just let me shop. I'll go last. I'll be last in line. He's like, no. I'm like, all right. Well, fuck you, you piece of shit. All right. I'll take the money out of your stupid

prison system and spend it in a mall somewhere. By the way, I've got this debit card. I'm not going to show you. It's out in the car somewhere. It's hideous. I have this debit card. It's the most bootleg ghetto shit ever. It's like my mugshot onous i have this debit card it's the most bootleg ghetto shit ever it's like my my mugshot on like a city bank debit card it says like metro bank or something like that it's got 87 left on it which is my commissary balance i'm gonna use that for online purchases

i am not that's not the card you hand to the maitre d at morton's oh this will be the graph of my first state. I know we're getting off of prison stuff. I've got one more thing. Did they have whole shebang potato chips there? Nope. Asked about them. They didn't exist.

They had Lay's. Lay's Stacks. They had pork skins. They had tortilla chips. And they had Doritos. That was the potato chip menu. Okay. I'm curious about that myth where, you know,

they're like, Oh, don't take a fucking Snickers from someone on day one, or you're going to owe them until you pay them back. Like, was there anything even akin to that? There was a lot of owing people things and everybody paid. Um, there were records kept paper records, um, of who owed who, what, you know, whether they were doing football is big. They bet on football a ton college and professional and everybody paid up, you know, everybody paid up. Nope. If they didn't, if they don't pay up, you don't want to play anymore. Right. And that's the whole point. So like they're going to pay up. But, but yeah, we'll get off this next week.

I want to talk about the, the prison entrepreneurs, the drug class I was forced to take, the job they tried to force me to work, the counselor, my case manager who was dyslexic and messed up my paperwork

six times, my release paperwork. We'll talk about some of the other minor inmates who were bizarre individuals. We'll talk about some of the other nonsense that went down. Some of the random things like the guy who shit on

the toilet seat. Wait, go into that, please. Some motherfucker does shit on the toilet seat. What ignorant motherfucker does shit on the toilet seat. What ignorant motherfucker does shit on the toilet seat that every one of us motherfuckers got to sit back down on? Get your ass in here cleaning this shit. I ain't cleaning this shit.

They pay me eight cents a goddamn hour, and it ain't the clean shit. I got some questions, too. Nobody moved. Spraying shit all over a prison bathroom. Somebody goes, which toilet was it? What fucking difference does it make?

I like to use three. That's a good answer. I like to use three too. It was all the way in the back. You didn't have to sit between two people. I like to use three. i'm like oh i'm touche but i'm sure that's what he replied i'm gonna shit on three there it's so funny because woody and i and every guest we've talked to while you've been gone

they'll be like we'll bring up like yeah thanks for coming on the two guests show because kyle's in prison they're like oh fuck really like for real this time and we're like yeah like god damn we're like no it's fine he's having a fine time just reading harry potter and napping and it does not sound like that was the case at all um no no it was uh it was pretty it was a lot of nonsense going on um like like i I told somebody this yesterday. I was like, it certainly wasn't Oz. I'm not trying to say that. But it certainly wasn't summer camp either,

which was how it had been painted by some people. As soon as I got there, the guard who took me from medium over to the camp, she was like, don't let anybody pressure you. And I was like, the fuck do you mean? It means don't let anybody pressure you to suck their dick or something like that thank you so immediately i'm like fuck this is for real huh she's like she's giving me like and it's not a dude who might joke around it's this woman who's she and she's my she's a counselor there counselors are like it's not like a guidance counselor she's like

running a dorm one of the dorms is her to look over and like the prisoners are her charge um she's like a sergeant in the army kind of between an officer and a and a grunt yeah if the guards are grunts the counselors are sergeants and then there's like captains who are over the whole thing and unit managers and then uh there's the warden and then there's the there's there's a whole chain of command in the in the federal bureau of prisons um but yeah uh next week will be interesting i'll get into some of the nitty gritty nonsense you started one of my questions so let's finish the summer camp thing were you intentionally playing down your expectations for this or were you just off target no i was intentionally playing it down i do that with everything whenever um you know i feel like

if you uh as a coping strategy or social? No, no. As a as an Internet strategy, I feel like any time that you you talk about what what actually bothers you or or something like that, you're exposing a weakness to a lot of people that that like to hurt you. You know, there's plenty. So, you know, you're you're you're you're opening a wound for them to pick at. If you do that, if you're like, oh, I'm really worried about this, I'm really worried about that. Well, now they've got something to pick on you about or something to go after. So I've always stuck with the mantra of you can't get blood from a stone, right? Just always stuck by that.

And I always will. Some people, you're like, well, I know what gets his goat. I just try to avoid that. But, but yeah, going in, I was, I don't know what my, my expectations were. I suppose my expectations were across the spectrum. I was like, it could be over, it could be this bad or it could be this good. It could be fucking fun and good times, or it could be a nightmare. So, but one way or the other, it's two months and I'm gonna survive it

And and and I'll just you know, do it, you know every day. It was such a weird coincidence Woody the blocks on the wall from the front of the dorm to the end to the end of my cell there were 56 blocks and I had 56 days and so when I first got there I counted them just cuz I'm laying there with nothing to do and I had 56 days. And so when I first got there, I counted them just because I'm laying there with nothing to do. And I'm like, holy shit, that's how many days there are. Just, it's this panning head turning motion of counting all the blocks. And I was like, that is an impossible amount of blocks, 56, 56 blocks, not impossible, not quite not quite but it's daunting it was daunting to look at 56 of those blocks as time went on um it was like ah 12 blocks can i visualize 12

and it's kind of hard to get 12 in your in your point of view yeah that's 12 i can see the amount of blocks right there in front of me and then just every time six four two one and one it was like you're in trouble i'm grinding you down friends see what i did to the rest of them i'm grinding you down tomorrow i'm gonna sleep so long you got out early takeaways for this two months 28 days no well i'm not saying it right you got early in the morning uh you know i was surprised i knew that your release date was thursday and i got a text at like 8 a.m or something you know that you were outside uh yeah yeah uh my release date i could have gotten out a little bit earlier than that. Kitty got there at 8.15, 8.20, and I was good to go by 7.45, I guess, something like that. Yeah, you get there at noon, and that day still counts.

Then you leave there in the morning, and that day still counts. It's nice. Yeah, it's nice. Of course, it's a pretty big percentage for someone only doing two fucking months. yeah it's nice of course it's a it's a pretty big percentage for someone doing only doing two fucking months but in the for a guy doing 10 years he's like oh gee you let me out at 8 a.m wow thanks boys it would have been nice to get out in the 90s though yeah it's like both my parents died while i was like i don't know like that last day might present a hazard right people might think in a weird way, like get them outside.

Not you, you're in for two months. But if someone did eight years, there's no reason to keep them waiting around until 4 p.m. It might freak them. It might mess with them. Yeah. Snow is the cool guy of the last eight weeks. Yeah. I'm going to work on getting a photograph of Snow.

It shouldn't be hard because I've got his name and his prison number. Uh, his name is nothing like snow. It's, it's a very odd, like Spanish name. And, uh, and I'll try to get a photograph of him. He's bald, like shaved head completely. He's like a Spanish Mr. Clean. Oh, I love that. He is the way I pictured him the whole time. Yeah. He's a Cholo. He's like one of the, it's like, remember that scene in training day where the three Mexican guys are sitting there with, uh, Ethan Hawk and it kind of turns more and more awkward and then scary as he's handed them his pistol and they're playing cards and then they take him in

the bathroom for the shotgun to his head. It would be like if those guys, dad walked in, yo, you're going to blow away that white boy. All right. Don't get weto brains I'm in the bathroom

He called me weto Which is Spanish for white, I think Instead of Kyle, like he only called you weto Yeah, he mostly called me whitey Because you're blanco That's black, I think, right? No, that's negro Black, blanco is white

He called me weto What the fuck does gueto mean oh no that means the guy i'm gonna fuck after nine weeks of getting to know him oh fuck man i lured him into a real sense of false security. Actually, I got the answer on this. It's WEDO, W-E-D-O, a Spanish language derogatory term

for a male of Anglo-Saxon or European descent. Whitey. This is used most commonly in a derogatory way by Mexicans as opposed to Spanish-speaking peoples to which the term does not take on a derogatory meaning. Yeah, that makes sense. So it's like calling somebody does not take on a derogatory meaning. Yeah, that makes sense. So it's like calling somebody whitey. It's derogatory.

It also adds similar to cracker, honky, or whitey. Yep. I would roll with that too if they're like, hey honky, want to come for a run? Oh, and next week I'll also... Whatever you want to do, man. Beep, beep. Next week I'll also tell you about

how Mr. Snow feels about the chomos as he calls them what is that child molesters oh yo had a lot of chomos up in the medium we knew how to take care of him and got no chomos here but indio i think indio might be a chomo that's one of my fears that like people would google Google Woody's gamer tag, and there'd be, like, a million false accusations. Yo, homies! I was in the library, did a little Googling. Yeah, that'd be bad.

Woody's a chomo. You don't understand. Do you understand memes? No? One time, this guy be saying children are built for it. Remember he was telling us he got rich off video games. Yeah, now I wonder what kind of media he really made his money on, you know? It's child porn.

Yeah, it involves child porn. Oh man, it's such a ridiculous misunderstanding and I couldn't change his mind and he scared the man so much that he was terrified. But I'll get to, I'll go to that tomorrow. I'll go to that tomorrow. You want to do an ad read? Yeah. Do you want me to do them or you want to do it? Uh, whatever you want to do, man. I don't have them open because I restarted my computer. So you go right ahead. I'll do it. This episode of PKA is brought to you by something that Kyle is happy wasn't available in prison, BlueChew.com. Let's talk about sex.

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to try it free. Blue Chew is the better, cheaper, faster choice, and we thank them for sponsoring the podcast. That's what you want. Chewables. That way, what is it, like 30 minutes or something, and they start working? Oh, even earlier than that, I think. Yeah?

They say 30 to 45 minutes, but I would say 45 is on the high side. Get yourself a hard-ass dick in half an hour, or I would say, this isn't them saying it, this is me saying it, or less, and just have yourself a ball. 30 minutes? Have a nice, hard dick. You could just take that at the start and have it work during. But you shouldn't do that you should take it prior so you have the the full stamina the whole time i'm just 30 minutes is not too long uh

wait time that's all you need to use it some more woody i think that kyle and i are the ones who bought whole hog into like like i did the same thing kyle did where you started for 80 months yeah i signed up for like like the second highest level of blue chew wow and i was just like man i and now i have like a bag where i have my blue chews and then like i'll still have a like quite a few left and then i'll go check the mail and it's like fuck it's been a month already and just dump those in there and so i'm i'm building a i like to think that stockpile kyle has like a bubble gum dispenser of blue chews two months saved up just like 160 of them funny you mentioned that this is kind of a funny story

i uh i went online to cancel my blue chew because i was going away and i already had like a substantial amount like sitting there because i'm on the top level and i pay 89 a month maybe for like 28 pills a month or something crazy and so uh it asked for your reason for cancellation and i wrote go into prison for two months and it was like accepted are you sure you don't want to bring some like like this does not qualify oh oh yeah yeah all right you're good you're good too on the positive side all you need right now prior to a big gaming sesh is like two and a half three shots of titos and you're probably on on fleek i got great got pretty blasted last night i uh i got one of my

i made lists okay this is one of the things I did in there to pass the time. The most obsessive, compulsive list you can fucking imagine about shopping lists. I categorized them between pages. There's a page for things that need to be purchased at Walmart. Things like a new shower curtain for my guest bathroom. Then my mind expands to all things bathroom related. A floor mat would be nice, a little caddy to put my shampoos and soaps. I need a little loofah. And then just like, it's literally a full notebook page, three columns, like 250 items.

Then there's a grocery store list. I spent almost $600 at the grocery store this afternoon. Yeah. Just high quality foods all around a lot a lot of state told me stuff like it was like uh you know hi carl how's it going you're like yeah yeah all right i'm gonna need a bread maker i'm gonna need a mixer i'm gonna need this or that or the other thing did you have her order things while you were gone yeah i i got um she she got She got me a bread maker. She got me a turkey fryer. She got me a ice cream machine.

A bunch of other shit. Oh, I forgot to wear the shirt she bought me. I don't know if you're familiar with the episode of The Office where Michael accidentally hires the ex-con. Yeah. He does this character called Prison Mike. If you had showed up with a purple do-rag, I would have gone crazy. She suggested that, I should have.

I've got a, but I've got a t-shirt now that says, it's got Michael and he's got the do-rag on. And he's saying, the worst part about prison was the Dementors. It's a Harry Potter movie. They come down and they suck your soul out. You mean like in Harry Potter? No! Not like in Harry Potter. I bought a do-rag off Amazon

to wear. And I forgot until right now. Because this was two months ago. $7 down the drain. Pretty cool do-rag though. You know what I thought about doing? While I was in, like there just wasn't enough time to arrange it was having one of those people who do like makeup like give me like some teardrop tattoos on my face and act like i had gotten like i like i got in prison tattoos while i was in there you got you got the one that means you killed a guy but you get out after two months. Yeah. It's kind of funny given all the stories I've told.

Like when my mother would watch other people's kids, she did a pretty good job of using makeup to give them like black eyes and bruises and give the kids back that way. I always got a big charge out of that. That's pretty funny. It's a good bit. Yeah. I'm super glad you're out, man. Like we definitely missed you a lot on the show and i missed you because you're one of my good friends and so that sucked for sure yeah shout

out to chis for double booking guests for two months i appreciate that yeah um chis and i've been talking about that for as long for like months that i was like you know if i go away you've got to be on the ball with getting the guests i was like you should start thinking about it now and he's like oh i'm way ahead of you i've been thinking about that and I was like, you know, if I go away, you've got to be on the ball with getting the guests. I was like, you should start thinking about it now. And he's like, oh, I'm way ahead of you. I've been thinking about that. And I was like, yeah, Chiz is the man. He's been on point for, and this is something I wanted to say before we leave prison and go into the other stuff, is

like the most recent episode with Dick and Destiny, when Dick was really hammering and going off on Chiz, like, the first, like, little volley, I guess you'll say. Kyle's got me thinking about Lord of the Rings shit. The first volley of arrows. It was more tongue-in-cheek, more silly, but still a little too harsh.

And then Dick kept hitting it over and over throughout the show. And it wasn't cool to Chiz. It was too malicious. Chiz is an excellent guy. He's one of my good friends he kills it on the show as far as booking guests and taking care of the business side and everything and so after the show when i kind of saw the fallout of people like really fucking hammering chiz over stuff that yeah really just being truly mean-spirited like i i talked to chiz and like you get like in, you know,

it's not an excuse, more an explanation. Like when you're in the show, you get tunnel vision where it's like people are laughing. Okay. Go with whatever that is. But like, I've already apologized to him multiple times of being like,

dude, you're one of my good friends. I, it's my fault. A hundred percent. I should have stepped up to the plate and defended you on those repeat volleys and shit. And so,

yeah, I don't, I don't want anybody thinking that there's some discontent about Chiz, how he does his job. He kills it. One of my good buddies. And so. I wish I could have a do-over. Like, if that were to happen again. Chiz contributes in ways that aren't. Chiz contributes to the show in ways that aren't always even, like, on the surface and, like, right in your face kind of things.

Didn't he, like, help you out with the cough button yeah isn't that what people appreciate that cough button woody's cough button is a chis contribution to the show things like um he does way more than people realize this discord thing is a chis contribution like the reason we're not on skype right now all fucked up with bet with with poor audio and and poor video is because chis went through went through the workaround of getting Discord multiple video chat to work, and he created this room that we're all in. None of us were really familiar with Discord

until Chiz went out, familiarized himself with it, and then made the show improve thusly. Chiz is always behind the scenes, and he watches a lot of podcasts. He'll learn things all the time. Always doing research. Always looking into things to make the show better. Don't be mean to Chiz.

I'm sorry that I didn't do a better job. Same here. Should have stepped up to play it for my friend. Snow was so pissed. That's a problem. Tell Snow I'm sorry. You texted in my address. I told you specifically. specifically i'm gonna have a member of the family show man you disrespect cheese on the podcast that he produces for you man you're gonna apologize you're gonna do it naked like yeah that's if that makes it better you're gonna wish you was a chomo in the lockup. Yeah. You're going to wish you...

All that to say, no reason to rip on Chiz. I've apologized to him so many times. We all are friends behind the scenes. It's not... Yeah, Chiz is one of my best friends in the world, for sure. I've gone on multiple vacations

with Chiz. Like last year when i was uh between the time my state uh probation went off and my federal probation went on like i went on two different like vacations which is and traveled the country which is for like two weeks or something like that just me and him so yeah big big fan of chis yeah couldn't ask for a better manager so anyway uh you guys want to talk about about people getting hit by cars or making fun of retarded people? I have an NC State professor who's suspended for saying women are useless. That's the five-star video.

Hit by car. Civic. Devastated. We're going live down at Bill's Auto Repair. Bill, we understand that that Honda Civic was damaged almost beyond repair. That's right. That little mongoloid skull must have been a good three inches thick. I'm going to tell you.

The airbags deployed. The front bumper's destroyed. And not to mention the bloodstains. The upholstery is ruined. Ruined by that. As soon as it struck him, it was a candy explosion, says onlookers. Like a low IQ pinata. But the car folds around it like the Hulk when that big worm comes down in the Avengers.

If I'm even fucking remembering that right. Yeah. Speaking of, of shit, was anybody letting you watch like the fine, or I guess in Alabama, I don't know what sports they're watching. Like they're probably not Braves fans,

right? Uh, you know, I don't know what channel the Braves games come on, but we either didn't have it or nobody was interested. Everybody in there were, was into football though. Big time. was into football, though, big time. Obviously, Alabama football is king, you know, Crimson Tide.

So they watched the Georgia game. They watched the Alabama game. Those were big deals in there. A lot of Georgia guys in there. Oh, and next week I'll also talk about the Atlanta camp and how insane it is because there's a lot of guys that came from Atlanta to Talladega and they would all tell us the same stories.

Little teaser, they'd hire homeless people to sleep in their beds so that they could go out and party. Hilarious. That's a win-win. For the homeless guy too. Because that would be a big upgrade for him. This is something we should get behind. This guy's got a CPAP machine. Y'all got a shower in too. Oh yeah. Great for him. Yeah. This is, this is something we should get behind. This guy's got a CPAP machine.

I don't know if you know Kyle, but the Braves in the playoffs playing the cards right now. That's right. They were winning last time. Yeah. The card or the, the Braves won today. Cards won yesterday.

I think two days ago, whatever it was. Nice. Nice. I, I, uh, I,

I haven't been following this year at all. I've had other things on my mind. But good luck to both teams. I don't think the Braves are going to win the World Series. I have zero faith in them. Good luck to both teams. How many teams do we have? Well, the playoffs just started.

Oh, okay. There's probably eight. Eight left, right? There's the two National League. I don't know started. Oh, okay. How does that... There's probably eight. Eight left, right? There's the two National League and then the... I don't know how it works, actually. I don't know how baseball playoffs works. I just know that hockey season started, and so now I'm not...

I'm going to pay even less than zero attention. Game six of the regular season hockey is more important than the World Series. For me. Yeah, you've got American League and National League, and you've got East and West, so it should be eight teams, I think. But yeah, I don't watch much baseball

anymore. I'm not sure what channel they even put it on. I don't watch a lot of basic cable, so that's just a thing. I know a lot of it's on TBS, which you wouldn't... Turner Broadcasting. Yeah, that's Atlanta. Turner owned everything at one point. It seemed like he created CNN, obviously

TBS, big here in Atlanta. And I've been to his restaurant here in Atlanta. It's really good. He serves bison. He owns like the world's largest herd of bison out west. And apparently he owns some plot of land that's like the size of Rhode Island or something like that. Like he owns like millions of acres or something crazy. Damn.

Yeah. That's a good gig to have because bison tastes great and they don't serve it in very many places yeah it's almost like cow but it's leaner like higher protein content i guess better for you and the best part is it makes you feel aggressive you eat a bison burger what are you fucking crazy let me ask you does it does it does he eat an elk steak make you more aggressive? No, Joe, you fucking maniac. Jesus, fuck. It's a steak. I have a video.

I'm trying to think of other shit that's happened while Kyle's been locked up on the UFC. She just sent me a Google Doc of everything that has happened since I've been gone. I watched the Khabib Correa fight. Just the last fight or the event? Just the fight. watched the khabib uh uh just the last fight event uh just the fight just just the just the khabib fight um i mean he dominated but man i just didn't find it to be

entertaining i do to khabib what i did to connor during his magical run which is like you know what everyone has flaws this could be the underdog's time and then i was wrong like again and again and again i was like let's see how poor a goes you know like the guy can fight guy's a bruiser and i don't see him getting wrestle fucked let's it i just he might have won a round i'm not even sure he it looked like he hurt khabib a little at one point and by hurt i mean hit him and could be backed away right connor did that to him too but uh yeah it's not that Khabib's never been touched. It's just, good God.

If there's a 25 minute fight, he seems to win 24 minutes of them. He's so goddamn strong. What I'm waiting for, I hope this out. Once he clears that division completely out, he beats Tony, beats whoever else wants him. He needs to step on up a weight class, right? I need to see him rolling a weight class higher and see what he can do with the big boys. So for people to know, he fights at 155. 170 has some wrestle monsters.

Woodley, Usman, and Colby Covington. Very difficult fights for him. What I want to see is not what you're talking about. I want to see GSP make 155. He won't do that. Oh, maybe you're not following Gsp social media i'm not i'm not is he cutting he looks like he can just made 155 what the fuck i saw a picture of gsp and i'm like oh my god he looks like he hit 155 and he tweeted like four day water fast broken now and khabib writes back 155 question mark

cool or maybe he's fasting because his fucking intestines are all fucked up from that weird disease he has i hear you it looked like he had he does this is a thing that gsp does you know he does test cuts me i'm like cutting is so hard so paper not that i've done it but i almost want to not know like gsp is like yeah you know it's fucking july let's do a test cut let's let's hit 155 right now and see how it is that's cool as shit i i think gsp fucks him up gsp is so good at wrestling so old is he 38 man he didn't look old against bisping he looked like he looked like he didn't lose us he hadn't lost a step he came in there and and and put a working on bisping he looked like he looked like he didn't lose us he hadn't lost a step he came in there and and and put a working on bisping he's 38 that was right yeah that ain't so bad he's a

he's like a well-maintained 38 you know what i mean like he's not he that guy's never i bet he doesn't drink beer you know he looks like he lives his personality and everything i think his one vice might be women but i don't even think he would let them interfere with his training and his health regimen and everything. He's a well-maintained 38. He looks amazing. Yeah, he doesn't look 38 even. His face, his body. His body is top 0.1%.

It's so good you wonder about. He's never been caught for PEDS. He's always been performance-enhancing drugs, and he's always been caught for peds he's always been performance enhancing drugs and he's always been the guy who wanted more testing which to me implies a kind of not doing peds you know like he wants yeah hey i want me and my opponent to get tested but he's so amazing physically you're like how could he not be on peds some guys are legitimate specimens it's and it's you know they're genetic freaks you know some guys have metabolisms that burn 4,000 calories a day. You know, some guys just for some reason pack on muscle mass without doing the work required.

This weekend, 185 championship. To me, only the top fight on that card is super interesting. It's Israel. I'm going to mess it up. Adesanya. Adesanya, yeah. And Robert Whitaker. And they should have 56,000 people in the stands.

It's really big for a UFC fight. I'm big time on Whitaker on this one. I don't think. I'm not impressed by Adesanya. I'm not able to be impressed by strikers. With grappling, I feel like I actually know what I look about. With grappling, what I'm looking at. With grappling, I feel like that I'd be a mediocre'd be a mediocre scout, you know, and I can tell

the difference between good and bad. With striking, I mean, I can tell when one guy's better than the other guy, but I can't just map him and his overall talent level and how he would succeed hypothetically against the other. They say Israel's striking is outrageous, and I'm like, well, I mean, he's been doing well, so I guess you're right.

He's still not young Anderson Silva, I don't think. He's older than Whitaker. No, I'm saying his striking isn't at the level of 30-year-old Anderson Silva. Or 28-year-old Anderson Silva. Whenever his prime was, probably 27 or something. I don't even know.

Rogan seems to think that his striking is some of the best the UFC's seen. Rogan thought Ronda Rousey could beat up some of the men. He gets excited about his recgan thought ronda rousey could beat up some of the men he gets excited about he's like a recency bias yeah i i got a lot of rogan to catch up on too i saw he did uh i watched a little bit of his dan akroyd interview dan akroyd's a loon um can we talk about that he done bernie sanders did you watch some of the akroyd yeah um so i watched him do akroyd and i watched him do roseanne barr oh elon musk is the other one i'm thinking of okay they're polar opposites and i sometimes i watch professional

communicators like rogan just to glean some improvement and uh elon musk thinks and thinks and thinks but rarely talks dan ackroyd talks and talks and talks but rarely thinks and to watch him deal with both of those people I'm like note taking it was pretty cool how he made a show out of them yeah Aykroyd is a loon isn't he old as fuck now you know he was

25 in 1976 so he's about 70 he's 67 years old he's about 70 he's 67 years old yeah okay yeah so uh insanely old yeah he was one of the original snl uh cast members uh super funny guy incredibly talented speaks really quickly and that was one of the things that made him really really entertaining on the show was he could talk really fast and he was just always pretty quick he'd do that uh like infomercial infomercial bit

where he's like it's like he's indicting so much more. It does this and that. It's hilarious, the tempo of it all. It's really good comedy. But then when you sit down and start listening to the man talk about his crystal skull vodka and then talk about the Incan crystal skulls and the Mexican crystal skulls and how they couldn't have been made by the hand of man. And I saw UFO outside my window. It was long.

It was silver. It was wide. I thought, hey, what's holding that up? And then it turned and it went. My friend, he came and looked. And he saw it too. And we were like, what was that? And Joe's like, did anybody get a picture?

No, no, no pictures. Did anyone else see it? I don't know. I don't know. But I saw it. And then another time, I saw this and that. He had four different experiences with UFOs that he had personally seen. And he believed in Bigfoot and all this nonsense.

And like, I got like UFO sightings have dropped through the bottom since cell phones got cameras no one sees them anymore the aliens figured out that we could not take photos and so they decided to stop fucking with cows

in our pastures I guess we better turn on the cloaking device boys that guy's got a lot of megapixels down there. Can you imagine being smart enough to find a new planet and being like, let's make funny shapes in their corn. Those cows look hot. Yeah. Let's confuse the humanoids.

Yeah. So what else? I bought two dogs while you were gone. Yeah, they're hideous. What were you thinking? Hey, man. No, they're fucking great. I like little dogs. That's my preference.

I feel like if a little dog fucks up, you can just smash them against the wall and if you've got to dispose of them, that's a quick hole to dig. You know what I mean? I can just put them in the bottom of a garbage bag. I can put them in a bathroom garbage bag.

If they're small enough, you can flush them. One of those industrial toilets. Dogfish. It would take me five cuts to flush that dog down the toilet. If you mushed him up a little, if you threw him in a garbage bag, garbage disposal you could put the dog in the garbage disposal i can't do that the bad thing is like you'll like just not paying attention you'll accidentally like because they

just live around your feet they follow you everywhere like you'll accidentally kick one and my step forward is to them like a freight train hitting them and they'll look up like i've been so good i didn't shit in the house i didn't pee it's like fozzie my bad but don't like circle me while i'm walking you named him fozzie bear because he looks like that uh we named one teddy because that was the one i got my girlfriend for her uh birthday and she named it and then fozzie was the name of the breed the name the breeder gave it and I was like that's pretty funny and so I kept Fozzie

yeah alright alright well they're well behaved enough I've spent I spent a hundred and twenty dollars on gates for my kitchen to try and keep them in there until I bought a ninety dollar gate that actually keeps them

because they can escape from anything like my girlfriend sent me like i bought a nice ass gate to keep them in one part of my kitchen just a couple days ago and she got home way earlier than i was and she snapchatted me and was like oh fozzy's a little escape artist and he'd like climbed up like in like a methodical way and then just climbed across my trash cans leapt off and it was like you little fucking bitch so yeah you bitch you little boy he's a man but yeah you bitch I'll be sexist to my dog yeah I've been thinking about getting a dog too you should man but not a Dax kind like a Fozzie kind yeah I would probably get a Dachshund or um i would get um like a like a

miniature pincher or something my dad has a miniature pincher right now that's like his lap dog that like when he comes over here he brings it with him and uh and that's a cool little dog like it they look like they're not prone to any sort of they're not predisposed to any particular ailments and a lot of breeds are like you know labradors are notorious great um dalmatians uh golden retrievers all those breeds have i'm outnumbered by the small dog people but i'm just gonna throw this out there great danes can hold their pee for like 14 hours and there's also another thing about big dogs it's a long time another good thing about big dogs and and and maybe some people see this as a bad thing a con someone would see it as a pro they don't live very long so taylor i guarantee as long as like

these dogs stay healthy and nothing bad happens you know an accident they're gonna leave them live a minimum of 13 years and they could easily go into the high teens like like it's not uncommon for those dogs to go 17 years old it It's not crazy. My dad has mutts over there right now. His Doberman Pinscher is... We did the math yesterday. Let's see. I was 22.

He has a Doberman Pinscher or a miniature Pinscher? Both. And it's 29. Holy shit, how old is that dog? Wait, that's impossible. Did you make him 29 years old? Did I old is that dog? Wait, that's impossible. Did you make him 29 years old? Did I hear your thought process? No, no, no, no, no, no.

The dog's 31. Yeah. I'm three. So eight, 11. 13. 13 for a Doberman Pinscher, which is old as fuck. It is, yeah. For a Doberman.

Yeah. Well, once they get to that age, it's just sad. My girlfriend's family has like a miniature kind of poodle that's 16 and it cannot do and first of all it's diabetic and so like every 90 minutes they have to give it a shot and give it special food he is you know how when they'll be like oh my dog he's he's blind but like can still, he's seeing shapes and shadows and stuff. This dog is so blind. His cataracts make Morgan Freeman's eyes look like a spring chicken's.

Bill Cosby's, not Morgan Freeman's. And it's just sad to watch. Just if it accidentally steps onto hardwood, just slips out and falls. I was at a family event of theirs like one week ago and everybody's being loud in the kitchen we're having like pasta and shit and laughing and drinking having a good time the dog is standing five feet away looking in the opposite direction standing still waiting and you like if you if you walk past it because it intentionally places itself at a crux in the lower floor of the house where the bathroom is and where like the high

traffic area is. And if you walk past him and like brush him, he'll be like, Oh, Oh, it's like, it's a mixture of terrified fright and jubilation. Yeah.

Realizing that he's not stuck in a stasis of blind deafness. And he's deaf to the point that if you were like, Buddy! Buddy! Come here! Right in his ear. Not moving. He has zero sound and zero vision.

Like Kyle says, hey, some people think of Procon. The fact that they live long sounds nice, but if they spend years 10 through 16 as gross and suffering, then it's like, ah, I'd rather them just go from 6 to 8 and fall off a cliff. Yeah, he's off the cliff. A virtual cliff, that is, not literally fall. He's at the bottom of a canyon right now.

Have you ever seen the movie The Fly 2? No. I think so, but I don't remember him like you do. Oh, man. There's a scene from The Fly 2 where he's in this... It's the son of... In the first movie, the guy turns himself into the fly, but then he gets a lady pregnant, and she has a fly baby.

And it looks like a boy, but they've got him in a research laboratory, and he's the star of the second movie and they're doing experiments there on him but he doesn't know it he just thinks this is life i live in this research lab that's what everybody's life is like and he's got like a pet dog that he like finds that's a test subject because they're trying to still use the whole machine that created the original fly and like he finds it later on, like years later. He thought they killed it after it had been accidentally turned into this mutant in the machine. But they've been keeping it alive all this time, suffering.

And it's all just like, kill me. And he's just like crying, looking at this. Because it's so funny. Let me see if I can find a picture of it. It's so horrific. It's so fucking horrific. It's a can find a picture it's so horrific it's so it's a comedy taylor it is not a comedy the fly just a fun for all ages oh my god it's so fucking awful couple topics you know a side thing is chiz was like, he keeps a nice finger on the pulse of the listeners.

He was like, you know, ever since Kyle got locked up, the whole people getting hit by cars has dried up entirely. And people would like it if you'd bring that back. And I was like, oh, my God, Kyle really did bring 100% of our urban traffic accident. What is this right here? Oh, God. That's what the dog looked like. That's what my girlfriend's family's dog looks like. Yeah, it's horrific.

It's horrific. That movie has all practical effects. That's way better. That's why Lord of the Rings, the movies are so fucking good. It's almost all practical effects, making the Uruk-hai look awesome, making the orcs look tight. The Nazgul look sick. You know what the weakest part of

that entire movie is? Huh? Oh, the ghosts. Uh, yes. Army of the Undead. Absolutely. I have my own. It's the uh, the scene with the water that runs through and it obviously looks like models and ridiculously over the top.

That's bad too. It ruined it for me. Oh, when Arwen is calling the... Free! No, no, no. That looks fine. I think it's the third movie. I'm not positive though.

It's the second you say. Oh, the two towers when the ants are attacking Isaac. Free the river! Yeah, and they wash everything away. Yeah. And it's obviously models in like slow motion water miniatures yeah yeah and uh it's disgustingly bad yeah when it came out my topic yeah yeah i'll let you pick um michael bisping reveals his glass eye

have you shown you up to date on this one i I'll hold off. I'm not up to date. I didn't know he had a glass eye. He's been fighting with a glass eye for quite some time. Let's watch it. Is there something cool on it? No. The man hasn't had an eyeball. He's been a professional fighter with one eye apparently for years now.

Yes. I need to fix you guys on the layout. Michael Bisping got hit in the eye by Vitor Belfort. Might have got punched like in the eyeball. Like a weird thing happened. Okay. So if you looked at him for years, he had like maybe like a fully dilated pupil. Well, then he gets this job on TV and suddenly it's fine.

He says, I had a surgery. And you're like, oh, that's pretty cool. You know, Michael Bisping's eye looks better. They fixed it. Turns out he has been hiding a glass eye, keeping that a secret. He's blind from one eye. For years, he won a world championship with one eye.

And he'd wear sunglasses and the commission and he was just ducking and hiding it from people that mattered for a long time. And I think that's pretty badass. I do too. You guys ready to click play? Ready, set, play. I wore my glasses, my dark glasses, as I said, to hide from the commission.

I mean, get a load of this. Check this out. Look at this, baby boys. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? That's why I used to wear fucking sunglasses, baby boy. Hold on. Let's put that back in.

Holy shit. Oh. Oh, heathens. Heathens. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the special Halloween episode of Believe You Me. Ooh. Damn. We're going to have more spooky things like that is right episode

no but the thing is it did used to be the comments people used to say all the time and i'm nice oh i i paused it done with it 2015 you lucky fuck yeah that is nice i've been procrastinating an eye doctor appointment and it's getting to the point that my already extraordinarily powerful contacts are failing me i went k l m j r three two nine she's like what line are you you're down here meanwhile he'll be like can you read the top and i'm like oh buddy are you talking about the black blur on the bottom or on the top? Meanwhile, Kyle's at the bottom. Made in Taiwan, copyright 1986. They're copywriting different size letters and shapes. It's depressing when they're doing that flip thing for you. And instead of one or two, they get to like 33 or 34.

33. Or two. They get to like 33 or 34. 33 and then he pulls it away from you and angles it and it's just like Pinocchio noses of eyes. Is that how it goes? Not that extreme obviously but like yeah pretty much so I can't wait to what my reading is going to be next week. Yeah hopefully I keep

my dad's long range vision is still just like excellent and he started needing green glasses in his fifties. So, Oh, something that happened. I think the entire time that you've been in prison was a show on HBO came out called righteous gemstones with John, uh, John Goodman, that, that funny guy from workaholics and a couple other things, Adam DeMamp or something. And it's like, they are,

uh, a mega church family, like a mega church leader. And it's following their whole thing. It's got Danny McBride. Is John Goodman, perhaps the preacher. John,

John Goodman is the patriarch of the family. And then his children are Danny McBride, Adam Devine, divine, whoever the guy is from workaholics. And then, uh, a daughter that isn't as big of a part. Danny McBride is hilarious. John Goodman is a good character.

The Workaholics guy is good. Other than that, I don't care as much for the surrounding cast, but admittedly, I'm biased because anything John Goodman's in, I love it. He's so awesome. It shows treading the line where he'll, you know, and this doesn't spoil anything, but like he'll say, we're opening up a new Gemstones Church in, you know, Stevenson, Georgia. Hey, you know, we saw you're opening a gemstones church.

You know, the five of us came to your big congregation here to say, I think it's covered. I think we have that area. Why don't you go somewhere where there aren't churches? And he's like, well, you know, I'm not sure the people of Stevenson are being served the way they need to. We're going to open that up and just see how things go. And it's really, really entertaining. I think you're going to like that a lot. I think they're on the next five right now. I'm about to do a lot of TV catching up, a lot of

media and stuff. I've made a list of that too. I have an entire notebook of just TVs and movies that I wanted to watch and wanted to catch up on and re-watch a few things. 112263 is on the top of that list, however. I'm going to start on that tonight. I have that saved in a thing. I'm going to start that tonight. You think you'll keep reading?

I read it. Keep up your reading. In my car, I'm going to do audiobooks in the car because that's when I'm not... Instead of replacing something, like taking away from my gaming time or my television time or whatever else, I'll just

add it to a segment of my life that didn't have any real entertainment in it already. And I'm going to go over to Audible. I don't know if they're a sponsor tonight, but maybe use our... Well, you can probably find our code. Go back a few episodes. And I'm going to get End of Watch, which is the third and final book in the Stephen King series about the retired policeman. He's like a private detective and he's solving crimes. And the, in the first one, he's catching a guy who like stole a Mercedes and ran over eight people. And then he writes the retired detective at, you know, after he retires, he's like, Hey, your biggest fan here, I guess, you know who I am. You know, he's like, you never

caught me though. Did you? And you never will. You know, he's like, you never caught me though, did you? And you never will. Cause I don't even have an urge to do it again. Oh, it was so fun feeling the bumps and shimmies as I rode over all those people. And when I found out later that one of them was a baby, what a surprise and life snuffed out so early. You don't want to know something funny. I had to put a condom on. That's right, a Jimmy hat, just so I wouldn't blow my load in the seat and leave behind any evidence. Well, see you later, you fucking loser. Just kidding. And he thinks that it's going to push the cop to suicide. Instead, the cop who was already planning suicide already stroking his father's gun stands up goes on a diet

starts working out starts working the case out starts like forming a plan to like catch this guy and and gets like super motivated and gets back into the swing of things and like becomes like himself again and by the end i won't spoil anything but he's a much better person because of it and then the second book whole different crime that's also crazy and he's involved in that again the first book is called mr mercedes mr mercedes that sounds awesome it sounds like a short too 450 pages or so i've been getting into albert fish note yeah audiobooks a lot and and like i started i consumed a lot of hours of audiobooks i've had a couple lately, and it's bummed me out.

I tried to get into the third body problem. You know what turned me off about it? Yeah, I'm sorry. The Chinese names. Yes. Because in a book like It, for example, the characters are Beverly, Bill, Tony, things like that. Just easy names. Were you reading their audiobook?

Reading. Well, in prison. I very quickly know who Beverly is. She's the only girl. But soon I remember who Bill is. And who Trashmouth is. Who each of them are. And when I read their name I have my own personal mental image of who they are and what their backstory is and what the relevance is.

But when I see Wu Xinqing and Cheng Kao Kao, I don't know if it's a man or a woman. And I'm like, maybe after reading this for five days, by then I'll have grasped who each of these people are by their make-believe name. But I don't even know. I'm pretty sure with Chinese names, the first part is the last name and the last part is the the the real name so like their names will be like wu kin pao but his sister might be named wu ching ching you know or whatever like like because wu is both of their last names it just comes first and like i know that but that's not going to help me when i read fast and like i i'm i i'm going fat and if i have to avoid that book i was having to look at each name and really like all

right all right all right woo zen pow okay he's the teacher okay keep going keep going i agree with your criticism i had the same one uh but i had a cheat code. I listened to the audio book. I didn't read it. And I learned the audio book. Whoever did that, I don't know who, did such a good job. I never learned their names, but I instantly recognized their voices. That's great. If I could get a version of that book where they westernized it and just gave them westernized names,

if they changed them to like bill and jim and tracy yeah even tommy chong would help a lot tommy chong is pretty easy i could handle that but they're like they're difficult chinese names at least to my and similar westernized if someone's named zoo similar i don't need anyone else named like zoos is ah yeah or something like that like no no no get over here like yeah that's that's a challenge for me too yeah yeah and maybe for them when they when they're like this one is the name of brian and this one is the name of bill which is a witch and a beer say I can guess that the silly accent part of your personality didn't make much of an appearance

no no you sound like this to me hold on oh yeah he got out the chink chomos eh oh my name is a snow i'm a gangster i wonder how snow would respond like when you were when you hung out with snow

did you ever get to be like a peer relationship or were you always like yes sir i love no no no it was it was all it was always peers for sure like like um he would ask me about stuff and you know we were definitely you didn't challenge him in some of these things like you know well with the racism and stuff i don't challenge anybody with unless it's somebody in like my circle like like if taylor were genuinely being like over the top racist and it was just he and i in private i'd be like man you you really don't like gingers huh because that's unusual that someone actually literally hates him. You said you would never bring that up. But when Snow would, like Snow's got this ingrained racism from probably in part from his 10 years being quote unquote down. So like I'm not going to change his mind about that.

So there's no reason for me to challenge that i'm not going to convince this man who spent 10 years in the federal prison system that all the races are just a rainbow of happiness and love like he's gonna be like oh really cause eight black guys killed my brother choli oh not choli yeah you're not gonna get there i can circle back to prison stories again i I've got my list over here. Yes, it's failed Jolie. You guys are right. I'm just excited. So yeah, I just didn't want to challenge. No, I didn't challenge any of that stuff. But we were definitely on the same level.

I would say peers for sure. It wasn't like a – I think he saw me as like – he took on almost kind of like a mentor sort of uh position uh in a way for sure because there was so much i didn't know i was so ignorant about so many things and i had so i had a lot of questions and uh and he was definitely you know looking after me making sure i didn't do anything i shouldn't do and making sure that nobody like did anything to me that they shouldn't do what a cool guy really nice guy like like he would check on me four or five times a day like he'd go by my bunk and be like everything okay you good all right sleepy see you later was he the biggest guy there

like as far as musculature and stack break he was definitely top five percent um there were a lot of guys who worked out but a lot of the workouts were like pickleball which is like tennis with rackets and uh a little basketball um not like paddles paddles thanks yeah um or running but he was one of the guys who was lifting heavy because um there weren't any weights there weren't any real equipment shit right like you just push up some pull-ups i guess saving that for tomorrow the the homemade workout equipment yeah oh god i should have led with that i was so interested damn it like it's just like a bottle full of cement like you're not you're not too far off you'll you'll you'll find out tomorrow it's absurd it's you say tomorrow i think you mean next week next week next week yeah well

time's blended together for this guy for a little bit it's no big deal for him it's tomorrow oh my god this isn't even like a prison related thing but like what were the top few kind of thoughts throughout your tenure there where like when you were just feeling down in the dumps and you're looking at that wall and there's 49 days left like what was the comfort thought or thoughts that you had jumped to like food related or yeah i would think about sex and food um those were the two things and if it depended on which i wanted more if i just had eaten i think about sex um but if i had gone like three days without eating i would think about food um but it was one or the other i was thinking about food or sex uh like the whole fucking time and uh and um it was it was i would say it's 50

50 between the two and there was a i would think about the meals I was going to cook, the things I wanted to eat. Commercials would come on TV for food, and it was torturous. Like Olive Garden was having this whole thing where you buy one entree, you get another for $5.99 or something like that. And he's like, try one of our favorites, like Chicken Alfredo. And top that off with never-ending salad and breadsticks and i'm like you snow you ever had this breadsticks he's like yeah them breadsticks is good i was like well i haven't eaten for four days you like that alfredo sauce or that or that five cheese marinara yo i get them both

i make it rain at the Olive Garden for your family. It is. When I'm there, I'm fucking family, man. Wait, that's their catchphrase, too? When does he get out? Did you say two years? He might get out. It's up in the air because of the way that...

See, a lot of people in there are getting jacked up by like the prison system where it's like they can give them as much halfway house as they want and as much home confinement as they want. So if somebody wanted to, they could be like, Hey, it's now we're going to give you a year in the halfway house that comes right off a sentence. It's like this much of your sentence is going to be spent there. And we're going to give you this much of like home confinement after that. So you can leave here in two months. They could do that if they really wanted. It's more likely to be somewhere in between.

And he'll he's hoping to get out in April. But what's probably going to happen because he was a gang member and is, quote unquote, a threat to society. As the case manager told him a few weeks ago, he was real bummed out. He was real sad when I left too. I could tell. Oh, poor guy. Yeah. It was probably going to be like next year or the year after 2021, I think.

Let's get him on the show. A couple of people asked if they could come on the show. One guy who was a, this guy is an Iraq war veteran, had severe brain trauma. He got in a gunfight at a club like 10 years ago, shot three guys, one of them in the face in self-defense. They let him go, and if he had gone to court and pursued it, he could have had it expunged because he was released on those charges. However, they didn't, and they stayed on his record.

So then when he got caught for selling drugs they gave him 20 fucking years because he because this prior thing was still on his record even though he didn't serve time for it so they they were like oh this is your second strike and your first one was a gun battle where you assaulted three people he's like well i wasn't convicted of that he's like well it's on your record that you were and so they gave him 20 fucking years he's like i'm in here doing cartel time over a pound of weed and three ounces of cocaine he's like i get that i need to go to jail but i've been in here for 16 years now like i got four more to go his daughter does a political uh podcast that talk that deals a lot with um the federal prison system and prisoner issues and that sort of thing so he left me her information. I guess he expected me to get in touch with her and get her on the show or

something like that. But you just take that information and smile when that sort of thing happens. I don't even mention the podcast to acquaintances who don't ask. Like I was wanting to ask, like you, you brought that up or they just inquired about it and you're like, yeah, I do a show with two retards who talk about stupid shit.

Yeah, you know, people would ask what I – because it comes up, you know, are you going to have to – what are you going to do after this? Because a lot of these guys, they lost their jobs or whatever. Now they've got to get a new job and they're taking classes in there so that they can do stuff on the outside. It would come up one way or another, like what I did or what I was up to or whatever. Yeah, I would tell them. I would explain to them that I do a podcast and what a podcast is.

But this guy was like, yeah, my daughter does a podcast. This guy actually knew what was up. This is Snow. This is the war veteran who had had all the brain injuries okay um he was muslim he was a nice guy and shit like yeah whatever whatever neat yeah okay cool sounds good i sold drugs or you know i i was i was running with the family

you know you tell them you have an exciting career. And they're like, yeah, me too. I was moving pounds, son. Is a pound a lot? I guess. Pounds. One guy. Pounds is whatever it is. Yeah. Well, yeah, definitely depends on what it is.

One guy, I was explaining to him, you know, he's like, how much did you have to get two months? I was like, half an ounce, man. Half an ounce. He's like, what the fuck? I was moving 100 pounds a week. That guy is cool as fuck he was his name is stinky stinky that was stinky like that kid in hey arnold there was stinky snow i'm trying to think of like like some of their names i like that everyone in prison went by gamer tags yeah a

lot of my gamer tags dude oh man a block um yeah my name is no scope double x 69 even the guards had gamer tags you'll like one of oh that's clicker oh that's clicker all right clicker was uh it was a uh i won't go he asked me to talk tough? Like, no. Only the officers. An officer is a guard boss? Yeah, yeah. There was this captain who came in who was sent in to, like, quote, unquote, clean up the camp. And that meant both literally and figuratively. So he was going to, all right, you're definitely getting out there with pressure washers and scraping paint off the walls and repainting the walls.

But I'm going to sniff out those of you running contraband in here. And if and if you know, if y'all don't clean this camp up for me, I'm going to bring somebody in who will. If you want to see a strike team, you're going to see one in two weeks. And a strike team would mean like in two weeks, they just storm in there with riot gear at two in the morning and fucking line us up and start stripping everybody down, like running through everybody's shit, throwing it out on the floor. I saw, yeah, I saw a few people get searched there. I'll say it for next week. I'll say it for next week. Because there were guys that got caught with marijuana,

but every drug was in there. Every drug was in there. This isn't like a lead into a question or lead into a, you know, story kind of thing. I'm just curious. What did they have on them, like the guards? They don't have guns, right? They just have like batons and tasers?

Just pepper spray. That's it? Yeah. You say that's it, but I think pepper spray is better than taser. Maybe, I don't know. I just imagine that's because they don't want them to get control of it.

I don't know what it's about. And there were women guards too um which i felt like i would bad idea i mean there were women like there was the the lady who ran the library was a woman and we'd just be alone with her hanging out like 10 of us at a time just chilling with her um you know of course i don't nobody's interested in her out of the open no ugly or you said no so she was behind someplace safe? Oh, I thought you meant where others could see. No, we're in the library in the back in her office.

Just right across. I mean, we're hanging out with her. It's pretty casual. You say she's not attractive, or you implied it, but I mean, you're in prison for eight years. Maybe you lower your standards a touch. The closest thing that came to that was like there was a couple of guards or like the the unit manager was actually looked

like she used to be hot it was a black lady like big tits and a big ass and it was like 10 years ago she was hot all right or 10 years ago she was like a serious milf and now she's like maybe i i don't know how it's hard to tell with black people for me anyway. Um, but, but black don't crack. uh, but,

but she started forming some cracks around the edges. And, uh, uh, but, but yeah, everybody, if they could look at her,

they were like, she got on that pantsuit today. Which one? The blue one. Hell yeah. Got the blue one hell yeah got the blue one got the red pants uh uh uh that booty jumping like a couple cantaloupes in there dude if it weren't for the threat of being raped or beaten up these prison guys sound hilarious the prison videos i i see first of all they say the standards are low fucking anyone on them is

fine they also say like some of these guys are relatively smooth talkers you'd think they're The prison videos I see, first of all, they say the standards are low. Fucking any one of them is fine. They also say, like, some of these guys are relatively smooth talkers. You'd think they're not bright because they're in prison, but hey, you know. They're cunning. Oh, that's perfect. Yeah, they're very cunning. And coupled with that cunning is unlimited time, right? So these women go home to their husbands,

and they don't necessarily just shower them with praise and attention and love. But these guys in prison, it's easy for them. They're just there trying to fuck some woman. They'll tell her lies, tell her truths, tell her whatever they think will work on her, and that's their hobby. That's the only thing they have to do. They'll sit there and plan it in their copious amounts of spare time. And you'd think, like, I don't know.

I can just see how over time someone gets manipulated into fucking a prison. They'd flirt back. The secretary would flirt back. He'd be like, you're going to have to come over here and check my blood pressure. Like talking to one of the nurses. She'd be like, check your own damn blood pressure. I don't give a shit. But she'd smile.

See, this sounds hilarious. smiled but she smiled when she said it okay you know it was like check your own damn blood pressure i don't give a shit was the uh was the library so shitty that you had to get your own book sent in the library library yes was the library so shit that you had to have your own book shipped in what just happened there did taylor say it right or wrong the first time uh he said he said it wrong he said library and there is no library at talladega federal prison camp but there is a library and the library so i got lord of the rings out of there and it was in it was in like new condition and i found it was in there in virtually new condition. A few books were, but like the Harry Potter books were like

destroyed. So like I got my own sent in and also like I knew exactly what I wanted for the most part. So like if I was making a request, you know, I wanted what I wanted and they didn't have it there, but there was a lot in there. This isn't a nice public library, but the Stephen King section is like a whole shelf and the Dean Koontz section is a whole shelf. It sounds like Netflix, where if you want a particular book, you're fucked. But if you want

a category of book, there's one there for you. Do you want a book that's tangentially related to what you wanted? Welcome to Netflix. Here's three tangentially related to what you wanted? Welcome to Netflix. Here's three tangentially related books. Yeah, the Stephen King section was nice

though, and I'm really into Stephen King right now. I'm going to keep reading more and more and more of that. He's got like 55 books or so. Oh, yeah. A good one for you to look into is Gerald's Game. I've seen the show. The last one I was reading was Under the Dome. I've heard of that.

I've never read it. They made a TV show out of it. I was about 200 pages in. It's very thick. It's fascinating. A town just inexplicably and suddenly is covered in a transparent dome that is impenetrable.

Nobody knows what to do they're just stuck in there stephen king also yeah yeah another good one uh pet cemetery like if you watch the movie you'll be like this is dumb who fucking cares but the book is actually really good yeah i i uh i've heard the same thing i saw um uh actually joe rogan and uh joey ds were I saw actually Joe Rogan and Joey Diaz were talking about that about nine months ago about how the Pet Sematary movie is kind of lame, but the book is very good. Yep. Yeah, it is. Yeah, The Shining is a good one too. But The Shining was great as a movie.

They're completely different. Very different, the book, from the movie. And Dr. Sleep, I believe believe is the sequel to the shining. And there's a movie for that coming out soon. My Sally, I sell my, uh, next to me.

He was reading doctor sleep. I got the, the, the gay black guy. I was, I would always like when I take a break, I'd be like, dude,

you got to get into the Stephen King shit. Cause he read too. And, uh, and by the time I was done, I was trying to, by the time I left, he was two or three books in.

Like he was just reading whatever I just had read because I was telling him what it was like. He writes books as quickly as you can read them. That's amazing about Stephen King. Yeah, he does. I don't remember how many pages a day, every day, no matter what, but it's at least 10. He was such a, I remember the story about him somehow, but he was such like an alcoholic during the Cujo, like, you know, his book Cujo about the dog that like he doesn't remember riding it at all. Yeah, I'm not surprised. You know, a lot of people say that his writing wasn't as good after the car accident.

You know, he was he was a pedestrian hit by a car and just mauled. His body was just fucking ruined. And they say that he was he's not as good since but the mr mercedes book and the finders keepers book that i read um i found to be excellent just really good stuff uh i don't know and he's he's a student of writing uh the the finders keepers book is a scenario in which The Finders Keepers book is a scenario in which basically this guy is obsessed with a writer. The writer wrote three books and then stopped writing. And in the third book, the main character completely turns head over heels, his point of view in life, and goes from being a rebel without a cause to working at an ad agency and getting a house and getting a wife and kids. And he's just, and he hated this guy.

And so he went and robbed the guy and stole all these manuscripts. The guy had written for future books and he's got, he's got the next two sequels that the old guy was never going to release to the public. They were just for him murders. The old guy, then he goes and he hides the books. He's afraid the cops are going to catch him.

Then he goes to prison for 35 years on a completely separate crime. Damn. The whole time thinking, getting raped a lot. The whole time thinking, one of these days I'm going to get out and I'm going to be able to read those books. And I'm going to know what happens to the main character, Jimmy Gold. I'm going to find it. They're mine.

They're only mine. A little boy finds them a year before he gets released. Finds going to find it. They're mine. They're only mine. A little boy finds them a year before he gets released, finds the cash in there, starts using the cash to support his family during the financial crisis. The boy is in the literature. He reads the books, loves them, realizes who they're from, and with a little research, realizes their value. He starts trying to sell them right about the time the guy gets out of prison and so you've got this crazy situation where like they're worth millions of dollars like this guy was like a world considered like the top five writers of all time he's like a faulkner or a hemingway or something and so

you've got this ex-con who went in at 23 and is now 59 after coming out after 36 years in prison, who cares about nothing in the world, but these books and is willing to hatchet murder people and torture or whatever it takes. And he does all those things to get to those books. And you've got a 17 year old boy who just wants to sell them to, so his little sister can go to private school. And, uh and uh and meanwhile you've got the cop from the first series of books who ends up in the middle of it trying to solve the mystery and protect the boy from the madman and uh it's really good it's not as good as the first one i didn't think but it's only because i what i felt like that sounds really interesting the bad guy

in the first book is literally a motherfucker who's insane like he he fucks his own mother he's obsessed with her is that what it really means yeah i always thought it was fucking anyone who was a mom which involved like most husbands no you can be cool by fucking somebody else's mom we can fuck each other's mothers fucking each other's moms oh that and we'll leave prison talk after this but this is one i had like bolded and underlined to ask. How was the masturbation situation? Was there any or was it like, I'm not risking this? I abstained the entire time.

I got no reason to lie. I'll be honest, for the first two weeks, you could barely see, we could barely find my penis. It looked like I just had come out of a cold. I guess i just said i was george costanza i was in the pool it was just so turtled up and scared and after a while i was like let's save this up somebody's getting blasted somebody might drown are you still abstaining or did you last night just release a load that's just getting a little bit too personal for me, Taylor. You know, you're right. That's something we never do on this show.

But yeah, yeah. And also like, I guess you could have jerked off in the shower, but I feel like if somebody saw you or like realized what you're doing, like I, I didn't want it. It wasn't, it was, the environment was not conducive to any sort of romance, even the solitary kind. I don't think I've ever jerked off in the shower.

Yeah, you know what? There's not a good loop. That's your tagline. It's not a good loop, yeah. Yeah. It's distracting. Yeah, it's no good. And you know, if you're in bed,

I'm on top bunk especially. Everybody can see me, even at nighttime. You're on display up there. Yeah, and your eyes adjust at night. You can see all around. Oh, you probably haven't seen the funniest political clip

of the last eight weeks, which is during one of the Democratic debates, Joe Biden's teeth started to fall out as he was responding to something. They were like, Joe, what do you think about this? He's like, well, I think that we need to make sure that prisoners are taken care of and and this is something that doesn't happen again

i don't know what yeah he slurred a word or something but he doesn't wear dentures that's not actually what happened i don't i don't know what it was happening i'm gonna pretend like his dentures fell out because that's funnier. That's exactly what I said. I like the idea that Sleepy Joe's got his teeth falling out of his head and Crazy Bernie had a heart attack. Those are both incredible exaggerations

but they're funny. I would like Bernie to have some hair-related fire. That would be fantastic. In prison, they're like and there was the one clip where uh and this is like three weeks before joe like so you were still in jail joe biden was like talking during a debate i don't watch the debates because they're dumb and long but i watch the funny clips afterward and like as he's talking he has like an eye blood vessel burst. And he has eyes just full of blood.

As he's responding to shit, it's like, are you fucking kidding me? This guy, this old senile man with an eye full of blood. Too funny, man. I guess the robot on the inside that's controlling him just over-pressurized that one. Yeah, everybody

in there, when they see the the impeachment proceedings or investigations and such they're like they won't leave trump alone they won't let that man do his damn job they need to put a moat out there a moat is the funniest idea for what we could do i i think that the next thing is they should just start chanting like, Dig the new more swamps. More swamps. We're going to extend the Everglades 3,000 miles. All the way across. The alligators and crocodiles.

Good luck with the Okie Finokie, you wetbacks. That's right. Donald Trump just tweeted, Good luck with the okie finokie you wet bats trump yesterday had like one of the funniest tweets he's ever done where like all this stupid nonsense that nobody actually fucking cares about with ukraine where like they're like biden uh and hunter that's not true at all but carry on he didn't talk it's not going to end up meaning anything in the end it's just another fucking herring for people to pay attention to and for them to drive up their ratings but like the hunter

thing where like they're like oh hunter biden's talking to talk to the ukrainians and got a high paying job and us as citizens are supposed to be like oh my god they use their position to get high paying jobs for their kids wow this is probably the first and only time this has happened and then trump tweeted and there's a photograph like a little video of like joe biden being like i never discussed business about hunter being related to that at all not at all not one bit and then there's also a clip of like hunter joe and then like the ceo of the oil company whatever the fuck it was like all golfing together and trump tweeted out look at this photograph by nickelback and it was clearly an edit that he didn't do because he's a fucking old ass boomer

and he tweeted it and it was just you know she just said look at this photograph and it was just, you know, she just said, look at this photograph. And it was the beginning of just that song. And then showed Joe Biden and Hunter and that guy. And then some clever editing. Very funny to see. Look at this photograph. I don't know if you know. To the defense. Like all of a sudden, all these fucking Republican boomers.

The Nickelback video has him holding a photograph as he says look at this photograph so he took that part of the video and held a photograph of whatever biden and the ukrainian dude yeah top tier memery i don't even care about the but then the internet exploded after that uh nickelback hold on nickelback copyright claim trump's tweet trump trump's tweet so it's down and then everyone started memeing they're like holding trump and epstein together saying look at this photograph and they're they're counterattacking and the internet's having a blast but see the funny part about it is at the time you know all the lefties are coming in the comments being like

fuck of course you would use nickelback the worst band of all time and all the right wing fucking neocon idiots are like Nickelback's a great band and they've always been a great band and then and then Nickelback copyright claims him and suddenly all the lefties are like in the same comment stream are like hell yeah Nickelback truth

to power you're strong don't read my tweets from four hours ago and all the neocons are like, fucking Nickelback, bunch of libs. I don't know. It's funny watching that shit in real time. Yeah. The memery's top

tier. We'll see what happens. I still think Trump's going to win. He is at this point. Biden's eyes are bleeding and his teeth are falling out. They should have carried on to the next verse for another tweet. How did his eye get so red?

What the hell is on Bernie's head? And then show where Trump go yell, this is where I went to school. University of Pennsylvania. Ironically, this might be the best possible thing to happen for the Democrats. It's like fucking Biden,

clearly a senile guy who progressives aren't going to get behind because they see him as like a mealy-mouthed, whatever, old-school guy. And then Bernie, who a lot of progressives are behind, has a heart problem. And so this just spells

two thumbs up for Warren. It was so funny watching CNN and seeing them struggle with how they wanted to cover Bernie's heart problem, whether they wanted to blow it out of proportion or tamp it down. They didn't know what to do because they don't want to hurt a liberal, but at the same time, they don't want to pump Bernie up out of third place or wherever he is. You know, they don't want to hurt a liberal but at the same time they don't want to pump bernie up out of third place or wherever he is you know they don't want to be like it's no big deal you know they they it's not an open heart operation they just they just go in through the blood vessel they put a little uh titanium shield on the outside and then put a little thing on the inside he's going to be out in two days he's already talking to his family but what if he

had a heart attack mike well first of all there would be signs in a blood test that let them know his heart had been attacking him and that the muscle tissue had died now the question is if he had a heart attack just how much of his heart is now dead and it's like

make your fucking mind up Mark is his heart dead or is he talking to his family and friends and ready to go play some shuffle ball or whatever the fuck? Shuffle ball. I choose to believe he plays shuffle ball. Definitely a real sport. I love shuffle ball.

What's it called? Shuffleboard. It's really hard to play a ball if it just keeps rolling. Have you ever tried to play shuffleboard? Yes. No. Way harder than you think it is. I feel like the only place I've ever seen it is on cruise ships.

I was at a bar. I had it in high school gym. My high school gym was stupidly well-funded because it was a resort town. And by my senior year, I chose all sports that don't involve sweat because you get first choice as seniors, and shuffleboard was one of them. All right, real quick before we jump into the next thing. We're going to hear from our good friends over at Casper. This episode of PKA is brought to you by Casper Mattresses.

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And you can be sure of your purchase with Casper's 100-night risk-free sleep on it trial. So start sleeping better today and get $50 towards select mattresses by visiting casper.com slash pka and using code pka at checkout. Terms and conditions apply. That's casper.com slash pka. Promo code pka at checkout for $50 towards select mattresses. to say um after spending those uh the time on that prison bed when i got home and got into my casper mattress it was it was like it's really about the differences between what things were like yesterday and what things are like today you know like like uh like the shower i don't

really mind i honestly i think the shower might be better in prison really just the pressure just it was so much volume it's a power washer it was like they were fine with wasting water they didn't care and like like i feel i don't have that pressure or that volume in my shower and i want it i'm gonna see what i can do but the bit like like the silence here is deafening compared to the the constant hum and roar and chatter of prison. But the bed, oh my fucking God, is it wonderful. I got into my Casper mattress and just the way it supports me, like every inch of my body is just so night and day from what I've been on. It just slumps down in the middle and just like every heavy part of your body.

No lumbar support? No. My hips would be really sore from like sleeping on my side my hip would be pressing really hard through the mattress like on that point and uh it i love my casper mattress so much so much more than i thought possible i'm telling you i slept so fucking good on my on my casper last night uh highly recommend them definitely check it out yep get your 50 off we're gonna hear from another company that kyle probably I slept so fucking good on my Casper last night. Highly recommend them. Definitely check it out.

Yep, get your $50 off. We're going to hear from another company that Kyle probably appreciates a little more now too. That's getquip.com. We're not the first to say it. Sometimes we need a vacation from our vacation. Delayed flights, hotel snafus, chatty travel companions. Get away for two minutes twice a day with Quip. Their wireless electric toothbrush is lightweight and compact, so it packs away easily in your tote or carry-on when you overstuff your

luggage it happens to all of us plus the time sonic vibrations give you a meditative break from that jam-packed itinerary even if it's just between moving from the hammock to the pool chair when it's finally time to go home keep staycationing with a fresh and simple health routine and and what's great is that the multi-use cover not only works as a stand that mounts to your mirror, which helps in decluttering your sink, but also slides over your bristles to pack and protect your Quip while on the go. But don't forget that Quip's brush heads are automatically delivered to you on a dentist-recommended schedule of every three months for just $5, which is a great friendly reminder to know that when it's time for a refresh and to stay committed to your oral health, that's very important because 75% of us are using old worn out bristles that are ineffective at properly keeping your mouth in good clean shape. All of

these are reasons that we love Quip. And that's why we take ours with us whenever we're traveling somewhere other than prison. Quip starts at just $25. And if you go to getquip.com right now, you can get your first refill pack free. That's your first refill pack free. Go to getquip.com slash pka getquip.com slash pka Yeah. I had a decent toothbrush in prison, but I definitely

missed my quip. It was a terrible toothbrush in prison and he's so happy to be back. It was actually a women's toothbrush. It was the small kind in prison He's so happy to be back It was actually a It was a women's toothbrush It was the small kind and it was pink What made you pick that? I didn't pick it, it was left in my locker

That's what you got So brush your teeth, keep them clean Getquip.com Yeah, absolutely There you fucking go Have clean teeth while you're sleeping on your Casper. And Blue Chew's involved in there somewhere too. Oh, yeah.

If you're looking... No, I'm not going to tell anyone. They would not like that type of endorsement. Anyway. So, yeah. I'm like... Sitting throughout the day today, prior to when we recorded. I was like just excited. I was like, man, I can't wait to talk to Kyle again and have the gang back together and just have everybody shoot and shit and having fun.

The moment Taylor saw Kyle's lack of beard. I don't think his video even like came on yet. He goes, oh. Kyle's lack of beard. I don't think his video even came on yet. He goes, oh. I was so disappointed because I saw a photo of you that Kitty took where you had the beard and I was like, man, awesome.

Can't wait for him to show up. That's the only reason I shaved it. If she had not taken that picture and there hadn't been evidence or documentation of it, then I would have been like, yep, I'll just leave it on. But I was like, pictures out there. I can shave now. It was so uncomfortable.

It was so itchy and gross. And it was so scraggly and unattractive and just nasty. Why'd you grow it? I don't shave with a razor. I refuse. You use an electric razor? Yeah, always. Always.

I've shaved with a razor, like an actual like bladed razor, about three or four times in my entire life. And you just didn't have access to an electric one? Like it's not a thing you could, no, it's not a thing. Um, and not the kind that I would have used. Like I use a beer trimmer so you can turn it.

It's like, it has a digital readout so I can go to like 0.4 millimeters. I actually bought the one you suggested. Yeah. It's a wall. I think perhaps I'm not positive. I heard Norelco. I don't really know what I've got,

but it's got a digital readout. You beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. And it goes down to 0.4 millimeters for like this shit up here that you want almost completely gone. And then everything else I put on 2.5 millimeters or 3 millimeters or something like that and just get it gone.

When I was done, I had... I wish I had... Yeah. This looks gross, but it's Alka-Seltzer. I had a cup like this, and it was filled with the top with hair because I didn't want it to go down the sink. The sink was full of hair, and I just grabbed it all and put it in. I have a glass like this that my toothbrush sits in,

and I filled this entire glass like this with hair. You put your beard in a glass. That's not weird at all. It's actually in this trash can. My beard's in this trash can. I just realized. Hang on. You want it? I'll get it.

Your beard is more red than I thought it would be. Mine used to be red. I mean, my beard is more red than you would think it is, too. Mine's every bit as gray as you might suspect. Wow, that's your beard. There's a little bit of it right there, Taylor. Look at this facial hair yeah i think it looked better on your face it was funny because that's the most facial hair

i've ever seen you have and the most i was hoping a part of me kind of knew i was like he's gonna end up shaving before the show if i was hoping that you would at least keep the stash because of all the areas of your beard, the stache was the strongest. Yeah, Kyle, if you... During the shaving process, you leave it as a Hitler mustache and post that to the internet. See, I don't grow that.

Not a mistake at all. No. Mine doesn't even grow in in there. Like, I've got like... It's just like on either side. Yeah, you've got like the philtrum gap. Yeah, yeah. But like, it's...

I've got so much blonde in it that it looks awful like like it's it's like black and blonde and then i've got like maybe i got like eight grays that come out of my chin and it's just it's no good yeah even like the guy with the dreads the guy who warned me of impending rape he was like he came in my uh cube one day while i just got out of the shower my hair was all crazy and uh i hadn't like uh i had pear gel in there and uh and a brush and everything and i hadn't gotten through my routine yet you do that in your cell the routine uh some of it some of it in the i go back in the bathroom like i brush my teeth obviously in the bathroom and then i do my hair in the in the

bathroom too but uh but but my beard was all crazy from getting out of the shower and I just had like rubbed it and so it was just sticking out crazy. He was like, damn. I was like, what? He's like, you don't want to shape that up a little or at least trim this up here. I'm like, man, I know it looks bad

if like mean Gene over here is telling me I need to shape it up and bring it down. I was like, well, you know, I do that show and a lot of people watch it, and I told them before I left that I wasn't going to shave, so I want to see what it's going to look like when I get out of here. I was like, I bet it looks crazy. He's like, it looks like something.

It's like me and Gene, it's a meme. That's what this is. I've been down 16. Oh, you went to prison before the internet got popular. Memes are like two years old. Well, at least down 16 years. Memes are like two years old. 16 years. Mean Gene has been down for 16. And he's got a couple more to go.

He had a gun. No good. But what was he doing? He had two prior felonies and then he got caught with a gun in his house. That's it? Yep. Depends what those felonies are. Priors are a big problem. And it depends what those felonies priors are a big problem priors are a big problem

and it depends what the prior was and what your current crime is to some extent like a gun's a big deal it couldn't have been just a gun he must have lied to me because i think a gun is like it's not 20 years like like he's he's probably leaving something out maybe he branded one of the guys on my youtube channel he has a friend and he got caught with pot. It was in the... I can't think of it. What do you put ashes into in a car? Ashtray. Ashtray. Anyway, he had pot in there. What kind of tray

do you put the ashes in? I'm sorry. He had one of those cans that you put trash in. One of those mats that you put in the floor what you know the kind of mat you put down to welcome someone to your home it'll say like welcome matt sometimes uh he got five years for pot in his car

jesus fuck yeah but he had priors and that complicates things more than i would have guessed i would have thought not that he starts from, but we all know potting an ashtray is not a big deal. But it can be. One of the things that can compound that is if he were still in probation. Yes, I think that was the case. That's a big deal, because oftentimes the probation is in lieu of more years. They're like, all right, we're going to give you one year prison and three years of probation. But if we catch you doing something within that three years, you're coming back and you're

doing the full time that you could have gotten for that first crime. Like clearly you, we shouldn't let you go at all. I got two years probation and the way I understand, the way I understand it is I can get out from under it in one year as long as I don't do anything silly. I talked to my probation officer today. Very cool guy. I like him a lot. I think we'd be friends if we didn't have our current professional relationship.

We talk about cooking. We watch the same cooking YouTubers today. We were talking about frying turkeys in peanut oil versus vegetable oil and how he's got this Alton Brown designed crank to slowly lower the burden and all kinds of stuff like that. Real nice guy. Uh, I like him a lot. Is your mandated therapy over? I think I got to take some more of that shit, man. Uh, you know, we'll, we'll see what my, my, the guy I'm referring to, he's, it seems that maybe he is like a boss now. Like maybe he got promoted since I was in.

And now I've got a different probation officer who I'll contact Monday and I'll be dealing with him on a personal basis. So if I want to do something like travel outside of the Northern district of Georgia, I'll have give him a call. He'll be the one who like comes to my house every couple of months and make sure I'm not running some sort of a cartel out of my basement. And he'll be the one that like, uh, you know, notifies me about things or, or I ask him if I want to do a thing like i wanted to leave the country or if i wanted to go out of state for a job opportunity or for a funeral or something like that can you switch states like full-on yeah for for work if if i could make a good case that this were for um i want to start a youtube channel well see the thing about

the that is i think that maybe if i had been on state probation, if I had been convicted in the state and I was now on state probation, that I think I could have transferred to Colorado. And then under state law, I could have gotten that's in the cards at all because it's federally illegal for the time being. For the time being. We'll see. We'll see. Come on, Bernie. You can make it. There are a few areas of medicine in which I'm actually pretty well informed because I've injured myself there.

I feel like that's where you are with prison and parole and stuff, like a little life experience. It made you a lawyer in a very specific way i feel like the the best chance there is for trump to federally legalize weed is if he sees it as a big fuck you middle finger to sessions for quitting if he's just like i have i'm a straight edge guy you understand i don't drink i don't smoke can you imagine if i did but fuck that little elf. It's legal. It's legal. Do whatever you want. Who cares? I wish. I wish. That would change a lot of things for someone like me who had

a minor marijuana conviction. So all they do on probation is like, hey, check in with me if you want to leave the state and we'll randomly drug test you, I assume. They haven't talked to me about random drug testing. I'm sure there will be. I was under random drug testing for like the last year or so. I call a number.

I have a number. Let's just say my number is three. And a voice on the other end of the line, a person reads out that day's numbers off a sheet of paper. She goes, one, eight, seven, three. Oh, three. Okay. I don't know why I put those numbers out of order.

Like I can't fucking count. But if she says my number, yeah count but if she says my number yeah but if she says my number i uh i have to go to like the facility that's about 15 minutes away and you know that they know i'm scheduled that day and i go in the back i piss in a cup and i just immediately leave um like like no big deal they watch you pee in the cup nope no nobody watches uh even today i i peed today uh for for the guy i was just talking about the probation guy and uh you know you took he had a i've seen three different kinds of tests uh but his test looked very expensive uh you peed in this cup and tilted the cup a little bit toward yourself with the cap on and then there's like

i'm gonna say eight different little bars that are, that go vertically up the side and each one slowly fills up red. And then above that, there's a thing that says like positive or negative and for each substance. And it's like eight different substances, you know, but opiates, I think, I think Oxycontin was just on its own um uh mdma um you know marijuana just like everything you can think of and uh you know i did that you ever worry about false positives i'm sure no you don't i do we just go again in my well my concern came from like i had to take a drug test once like 20 some years ago but i had had bagels with poppy seeds on them i found out that's actually a thing that can i don't know if it's still true but it could be because i felt taught

us that and i was like what it like i don't know what if this thing screws up yeah it can um it definitely can i mean i don't eat poppy seeds it's not a concern for me personally but even if it did um i think there's a way to differentiate between the poppy seeds and actual opiates. They can tell if you eat a lot of Burger King or if you're taking sesame seeds. The poppy seeds are on everything

bagels, which is my exposure to them. Everything bagels are the best bagels. I don't eat bagels, so we're all good there. I never worry about that. I don't think I've so so we're all good there um but but yeah no i never worry about that um uh i don't think i've ever been worried taking a drug test because you know i'm not stupid um i don't i'm not not on any drugs i feel like you'd have to be just like such a piece of shit such a dumbass to to fail that drug test when you're on probation like oh yeah how bad

did you oh all the time girl today oh i thought you're the girl i heard that is girl and i'm like well i've been called a lot but okay i'll roll oh yeah tell me more sweetie girlfriend you won't even believe this bitch came in right after me today and she popped for oxyconin that would have been the funniest timeline if kyle gets out of prison and we're like kyle what's new and you're like man let me let me break it down and tell you what's new there's a lot of new things and you're about to listen to all of them in order for just like but why'd you start talking like a woman well that's thing number one number one i gotnt out four hours in, and I learned to embrace myself. I liked it, kind of.

I'm going back. I'm going back. I mean, I've had to take a drug test before for an internship I had 10 years ago or something. And I wasn't even doing drugs. But the fact that my pee was in there, I was just like, I hope they don't find anything. I've just taken so many at this point that I'm pretty comfortable with it. Like I must have taken a dozen, 20 of them, something like that. You know, quite a few. So, you know, at this point, I just don't care.

So what's this? What is it? Oh, Mad Lad. So this is Stoke-on-Trent Life. I can't help having a big penis. This Stoke-on-Trent shopper accused of stealing clothes, drops pants to prove suspiciously large bulge was actually his manhood.

That's fucking awesome. They thought he was shoplifting because his cock was so big. He had a suspiciously... I'm just a soccer lover like the rest of you. Just got a huge cock. How would you describe your penis? Suspiciously large

oh suspiciously describing anything about your body is suspiciously large man that's great i saw a cop's clip from TV show Cops once where the cops pat the guy down and go, and he goes, and what's this? He goes, that's my penis, sir. He goes, oh. Okay. And the guy clearly had like a dong. He was like, what is this?

You got a kielbasa in here? You got a baton? That is my penis. He just goes, alright. He just keeps he's fucking going all right well i'm just gonna let you go if you don't tell me about this i won't either everybody down at the station is gonna razz me and he's like oi bruv you already copped my junk yes we would watch cops and uh the first 48 hours, that crime show in there, and everybody would critique the criminals. Really?

You don't say that. That's so fucking funny. Do you remember any specifics? I'm intensely interested. It was this case of a woman found burnt and shot in the trunk of her own car. The details of the whole thing were ridiculous. Her friend had been on the phone with her and recorded the phone conversation, and we all hated that.

So she could go to the cops the next day and be like, this is the last time we talked from last night. And she plays a recording of them having a phone conversation. We're all like, what the fuck is that fat bitch got her recorded for? I was like, and I meant it. I was like, I don't want anybody fucking recording me on the phone i don't like that and all of them were like fuck no you ain't recording me on the damn phone i record you five hours a

week yeah but i know about it it's consensual this is phone rape you know this is this is sneaky and uh and and uh but every step of the way, the guy who did it. That's what they did to poor Mel Gibson. That's true. That bitch tricked him. Alec Baldwin. Alec Baldwin too. All of us know Mel was innocent in all of that. Say it.

Say it. You want to say it. Name 10 things he said that were out of line. Just 10. Well, you know you're holding yourself back. You want to say it. Four. Oh, no.

Thank you. Yeah, but. You want to say it. Oh no, thank you. Something about a hot tub. The guy that had actually committed the murder while he's in the interview room, he's like, can I take a picture in here? And the cop's like, yeah, sure. He takes a selfie of himself in the interview room.

The next day, they lock him up and give him 40 years. At least he got a funny joke out of it. I guess so. I hope it was worth it. I guess he's guilty. Oh, he was guilty. He had DNA. He tried to burn her and her car up and he left his basketball shorts

with his DNA in her car and they didn't burn up. On his Facebook is a picture of him wearing the fucking shorts. There's cum all over your basketball shorts. Why? If you're completely exhausted and you're being interviewed by the police and you fall asleep,

does that imply you're guilty or innocent? I've seen it on a bunch of TV shows. Like guilty people never fall asleep or innocent people. Like who's. It was one of those two. No, which one? Should I try and sleep or not? It's like you're trying to decide if she's a witch or not. Well, if she weighs more than a Bible,

she's a witch. I think it's if she weighs less in the Bible, sir. Well, she's probably a witch for God's sake. Very small rocks. What else floats? Yucks! That's from the king.

I watched this recently, probably I think a little before you went to prison, where they're all musing over the right answer, and then the king so loudly and proudly and wisely is like, a duck! And then the back of it and proudly and wisely is like a duck my lord has learned it yeah i love that shit that's that that's that's my favorite thing from them i love the show too um yeah man uh it's it's been an interesting couple months here what do you got here this do we change the definition of literally? Oh, I hope.

Yeah. I just put it out there. It irks me. Okay. So let me lay it out there. Is it ever okay to mean literally to mean figuratively, right? Now, everyone kind of knows at a high level that language change and evolves. This is a way that I i like literally should literally mean literally

according to me but it turns out so many people have used literally to mean really figuratively right but like in in a sense they say you know like that thing was literally heavier that's not a good one but you know he was literally on fire is an example that turns was literally heavier. That's not a good one. But, you know, he was literally on fire is an example. I'm literally going to die if I don't get a cigarette. Literally means figuratively now, too. In effect, virtually. I hate it. There's a couple of little grammatical, like, conversational faux pas that I have.

One of them is when someone says, man, he could care less about us. All right, well, I think what you're trying to imply is that he cares very little for you. And so therefore you should have said he couldn't care less about me because he cares so little. The bar is as low as it can go. If you say he could care less, then you're not at the bottom of his caring level yet. You're still at least mid-level care. Yes. I hate it. I hate it when people do that.

It should also, I guess, be I couldn't give a shit that I could. Absolutely, yeah. I could give a shit what he thinks. So you could give a shit. Yeah. Well, yeah, but just a shit that's that's not i don't think you understand how this idiom works i don't think come on yeah it's upsetting to me um those are some of the little little grammatical foot pause and conversation that bothered me and literally

being used to mean figuratively is another one of them um There's a Key and Peele sketch about that. Have you ever seen it? I have not. It's so funny. He's interviewing the basketball player who just won the game. And he's like, kids, you can do anything. If you set your mind to it, you can do anything. Open the window to your house.

Spread your wings and you can fly to the moon. If you believe it enough, you can walk on the expressway and transform into a car. Literally. And the reporter's like, I think what you mean is figuratively. No, you can literally fly, kids. Children, 8 to 12 years old, get up out your beds. Go to the window. Jump and fly into the night.

Soar. And then it cuts. out your beds, go to the window, jump and fly into the night, soar! And then it cuts, and now he's at one of those press conferences where he's like, you know, they wear those ridiculous zoot suits and shit, and he's sitting there, and he's like, got his sunglasses on, his suit, and he's like, oh, I would like to apologize to all of the families

who were affected, all the children who lost their lives. I have now, since my interview, learned the definitions of both literally and figuratively. And grown to understand the difference between the two. Yeah, so literally means figuratively now. It's like every dictionary.

And part of me, when these things change i wonder like am i the one that's not like keeping up with current trends am i the one that's wrong the dictionary is always the right one right woody we collectively are never wrong oh about anything that's handy even when we disagree We're all good. Yeah. I saw a lot of people joking, being like, oh, awesome. Kyle gets out of prison right in time for hockey talk.

It's his own prison. A lot of religious people in there. Oh, I doubt it. Got to fall back on something, I guess, when you got eight or ten more to go. Oh, and a lot of the prisoners, I don't know if I said this at the beginning, it wasn't white-collar criminals. I mean, there was a couple of computer coders near me, like, who were in for, like, wire fraud and embezzlement. So many of them were from the maximum security prisons where they had just been nice for eight years. And by nice, I mean, oh, I only got in one knife fight. Like, they weren't, like, model prisoners. They just spent eight years and by nice i mean oh i only got in one knife fight like like they weren't like

model prisoners they just spent eight years without killing anybody and they had like got lowered to the the camp they were fucking criminals tying into the the summer camp thing did you know that beforehand or did you learn that when you went in uh i knew it beforehand but i just lied about it okay yeah i was like yeah you know everybody's uh tax evasion tat yeah i mean i knew there's gonna be some tax evaders but i was also aware that a lot of people in there had like around a decade more on their sentence or more um so i knew but again that was one of those things where it's like don't give anybody a reason to uh to start uh bugging me about this let's just stay positive as I move along this thing

because the sun's going to keep rising and falling every day whether I like it or not, and 56 of them will come and go, and then I'll be out, and I'll have my delicious food and my nice bed and my $6,000 gaming setup and pussy and ice cream and liquor and all the things that I love.

These are a few of my favorite things. Speaking of that kind of shit, Woody has streamed a few times in the last six weeks or so. I started a Twitch, haven't got my rig set up yet. Have you ordered it? No.

Not setting it up is a little bit... Woody, let me say it how i want to say i haven't unboxed it yet i haven't i haven't unboxed it yet yeah i think i'm just gonna go with the bias setup that's already like plug and play instead of building it as long as there's not like an insane difference in price um i don't need that high quality shit i'm used to my eyes can't even see hd all right, get out of here. All right, so you're going to have to consult with Chiz and I

before you purchase a gaming computer. It's fine if you want to get a pre-built. It's also fine if you want to build your own or have me build it for you or something like that. Because of the cryptocurrency mining that was going on the last time I bought this rig, it was very difficult to get graphics cards at a reasonable price But I buy power who built mine had built had had like a price on them

I'm sure that that wouldn't fluctuate with demand and so it was just a cheaper better It was cheaper to have them pre build this computer with this 1080 TI and and and everything so But but it's not even about what your eyes can see. You're going to want 144 hertz. It's about what the viewer can see, I would assume, right? That's partially part of it too, yeah. But Twitch is never going to be at the level that you're playing at anyway because of bandwidth restriction and frame rate restriction

and a lot of things like that. But it's still going to look good, and you don't want to be playing in 720p or things like that. It's still going to look good. You don't want to be playing in 720p. Do you want to start streaming? Yeah, I could do that. That'd be fun for all three of us to be doing that. Especially if you get into PUBG or something like that.

I got on and played some PUBG last night. Were you mad? No, we won. We won first game. Did you warm up? No. It's like muscle memory at that point, I would imagine. Once I quickly remembered, I was like, I have a lot of keys changed.

They're not default. So I had to quickly remember what's my mat key, what's my mute key. But once I had that, it looked a little funky at first. Just getting that back in the groove of it. I immediately got two kills, like right off the start. Um, and, uh, I mean, one, the first game playing, uh,

in a three man squad. Uh, and then we played another one and, uh, I actually got sick. Uh, I, I, uh, I didn't feel good at all and I had to get off and lie down, I think. So I didn't eat yet. I didn't eat the day, my last day in prison at all. And then, um, the day before that I only ate like a ramen noodle, which is like 380 calories. And eat the day my last day in prison at all and then um the day before that i only ate like a ramen noodle which is like 380 calories yeah and then the day of my release i was running around doing a lot of stuff and i didn't eat all day until i got home and i ordered fajitas but i didn't really like them and i only like made one like fajita wrap and i ate it and that was it and i threw the rest away huge waste of fajitas i know I know. That's upsetting me. And, uh,

and so, and then I just forgot to eat the rest of the day because I was, you know, catching up with people and, and, uh, you know, updating all my games on my computer. And there was a lot to do. Um, gross today was grocery day. Like I said, $520 of groceries. A lot for one person. I'll explain why in just a moment. Um, and, uh, there was a disaster while I was gone and, uh, and yeah, I started feeling very nauseous and, and, uh, and lightheaded and my hand started going numb while I was sitting here playing. And I was like, boys, I am not feeling good. I'm going to have to duck on out of here and lie down. So I went and ate an Uncrustable, uh, most delicious snack in the world. They're so good. And, uh and uh and i i lied down for about an hour

and then i was good to go i think my blood sugar just got really low um which has happened maybe five times in my entire life like usually when i'm working out too much without eating when i'm going on like a crazy crash diet um i averaged 0.6 pounds of weight loss a day uh for 56 days by the way i think oh i Oh, I know. I literally, before the show, I brought it up to my girlfriend. We were talking, and she knows a good bit about health and wellness and shit. And I was like, yeah.

Kyle lost 35 pounds. And she's like, he was in there for like six, seven weeks, right? I'm like, yeah. She's like, that's not possible. How? How could? And I'm like yeah she's like that's not it's not possible how how could and i'm like don't don't put anything past kyle he will he will start himself a week if it means getting it's basic math it's calories in calories out just take your base metabolic rate take the take the fact that i think i think a pound of fat is like 3 300 or or 3,500 calories. And then start doing the math about what you can eat each day.

And then factor in three miles of running. And it's not hard. Low appetite historically is one of your stress responses too. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. And after two days of not eating, I mean, you remember this from the little survival trip. It doesn't bother you so much after two days. not eating, I mean, you remember this from our little survival trip.

It doesn't bother you so much after two days. Your stomach stops growling. Over the hump. Yeah, there's a hump to get over, and you're like, oh, this is how our ancestors survived. I wish I wanted to stop eating when I got stressed out. All I want to do is stress eat. Get some Adderall.

No, I tried that in college, and it made me crawl out of my skin. Well, you got to snort it, Taylor. Did you try snorting it? Oh, see me crawl out of my skin. Well, you gotta snort it, Taylor. Did you try snorting it? I didn't try snorting it. Think, Taylor, think. I should have thought of that before I brought it up. So try to solve this mystery for me, boys. Alright? So, when I left,

the only thing I did as far as my house, I unplugged everything that could draw power. What was the motivation there? Save money? Save electricity. If I'm not going to be here for two months, why should an LED be burning?

I have an LED strip on the back of my television. Why should that be plugged in? Why should anything be plugged in? I shut everything down, unplugged items that continuously use electricity, turned my air conditioning to 80 80 degrees and uh and i left when kitty came here to my house about a week ago um to like get it ready in case the probation officer wanted to do like a inspection before i was released which they

said he did but it turned out that didn't happen for another. Just write this one down too for next week's topics. Okay. My case manager was dyslexic. That's going to require spelling dyslexic. Oh, I got it. What do you don't want to hear?

Deal sexic. Huh? Kitty opens the refrigerator and there's maggots in my freezer and my refrigerator and there are dead flies in on the floor dead maggots dead flies in my refrigerator and my freezer gross work out how that could possibly happen how do maggots grow in the fridge there you go okay uh the refrigerator is off the refrigerator would have had to be off, right? Was it off? Did you unplug it? My power bill was paid the whole time.

Kitty kept up with all my bills, of course. I double-checked when I got out. It was plugged in. Was it on when you returned to the refrigerator? It was on, and the ice track is full. When you opened it, were there maggots? She had cleaned out. She cleaned the refrigerator for me, and then i hired somebody to clean the freezer today um and uh it i i can't it doesn't

appear to me that the frozen goods had like defrosted and then refrozen because there was things in there like um like a reese's like cup was just sitting there unwrapped and i feel like it would have melted a little bit if it had gotten up to 80 degrees in there um there was like like like frozen brussels sprouts and frozen broccoli and that like didn't feel all bunched up together it felt loose and like it was still fresh and everything my crab legs weren't like incredibly gross or anything oh those would have been rancid yeah it was only a couple clusters but it's like whatever i didn't eat the last time i made crab legs and i just tossed them in there um i don't know how it could have possibly happened like where were the maggots

and flies just at the bottom of the fridge and the freezer did they make their way out into like the rest of the room like was there a maggot problem in the rest of the room no no no no it was just in the fridge. Yeah. Well, what the fuck? It had to have turned off. I don't know why. That's what I'm thinking. But even if it turns off, how would that proliferate inside? See, it couldn't have been a power outage, and here's why.

I have Nest cameras that record all over, like outside and in a few locations on the inside, like where a break-in might happen, doorways and certain windows and where valuables are stored. And it goes to Kitty's phone. So if somebody walks past that camera, she gets a boopity-boop. So while I'm gone, obviously, if she gets any notification, she's like, oh shit, she's calling 911. So they come over here and catches whoever's burglaring me. So she would have been notified of any power outage right to her phone immediately if those cameras go down because they're plugged into ac they don't have they have battery backups but i don't use them because i'm not worried about the security

during the incredibly rare scenario in which there's a power outage i suppose but so there was no power outage the only thing i think is is maybe when she came over the first time to check, she left them both open and then walked away. I'm just... But she says that didn't happen. It's weird to leave them both open. It's insane to leave them both open. And my fridge has that warning chime

that's a bit annoying actually after maybe 40 seconds. It's like... I turned that shit off. Fucking sucks. If I knew how I would. It was so gross. All of my... I just wrote off everything that was in there, even the pickles. I went to the store today, and I

filled that cart up, like bulging over the top with all kinds of wonderful things. My dad's coming over Saturday, so I'm going to cook tomorrow. How the fuck would maggots get in your refrigerator? I don't know. No, no, maggots are flies. I don't know. And then how would those flies proliferate

their maggots and those would live? But the flies are in the food all the time, right? Like if you leave... Not if they're in the fridge, though. If it's a bag of Popeyes or something in the fridge... There is no scenario in which... There's no... Let me debunk this part in case this is where you're heading. There's no scenario in which I had food on the counter,

flies got on it and laid eggs, and then I put it back in. That is absolutely impossible because... I'm sorry. That's what I was guessing. There was an experiment I learned about in high school where they took the steak, put glass over it, and then let the maggots arrive. If I remember

right, it just proved that the maggots were always there. There's fly eggs and the random meat maybe i have it backwards i'm not i'm low confidence now i hope it's like a 13th century study where they thought that if you slice a bull open or something in an open field bees will be created like they literally thought they're like, well, yeah, you just cut a bull open and then you go back there a few days later and now it's full of bees.

Therefore kill a bill, a bull and the guts become bees. Oh, okay. Okay. That's what they thought. Well, I hope that's not true for bull.

Yeah. I don't, i don't i don't know but but the refrigerator has been bleached and scrubbed and it is now full of all kinds of delicious foods i got a big roast i got four filet mignon four filet mignons excuse me i got a pound of sous vide yeah for the sous vide I got a pound of really big fucking shrimp. They're like 20 bucks a pound, but I didn't give a shit because I'm having a shrimp cocktail tomorrow. And I got this,

I won't go into this. I got a bunch of really nice deli meats because that's one of the things I craved a lot when I was in prison was just a ham and cheese sandwich. I wanted that so bad with good bread, good ham,

good cheese because those things don't exist in prison any of those things what's like the best shit you can buy from the commissary because what you were describing the commissary as it had a lot more variety than i thought it's like a gas station it's like if you walked in the gas station pretty much everything that's in there you can get in the commissary that's how we often describe it. So like Lunchables and shit? No, nothing that would require refrigeration. Oh, okay. Only dry goods.

So, you know, tuna in those pouches, mackerel in the pouches, oysters in pouches. So yeah, the chili wasn't in a can because that could be a weapon. Yeah, yeah. It's in a pouch and it's just fucking delicious brushy creek chili which they would suck in prison because chili i don't eat most beans i don't eat chili like it does not agree with me well they had all sorts of medical items they had they had gas relief and uh stool softener and uh man they had all sorts of things

that might help you out also they had antacids all that stuff you know when you were taking like hot chili shits was there ever like a pressure of someone on the outside like man you're gonna finish up soon man oh let me tell you how you take a shit in prison um if you you courtesy flush continuously while you're shitting, it's one of those high-volume government toilets that immediately recovers from the first flush and has that crazy powerful, like the airport toilets. It's almost opening your ass.

Yes. It's just drawing the shit out of you. You know that guy who like will pull the the hanky the hanky out of his sleep never ending like you're like whoa that's my gallbladder yeah it's uh see as soon as you start pooping you're just flush flush flush flush and that way you don't stink up the bathroom. And everybody used the same method. And I think, to me, it was gross. What I would do is I would shit,

and as soon as I had made my first deposit, I would quickly flush and then wipe and flush again. But I wasn't going to continuously flush because I don't want to be sitting on the toilet when I flush it because it sprays your ass with water. But that's what they all do. That's what they all do. That's what they want you to think they're doing. They could all be pulling. You can see. I don't see them shitting, but you can see their knees and the way their legs are bent, that they're sitting on it, continuously flushing it. I figured the reason they're doing it is because the toilet paper is so harsh and rough and thin that they want their ass soaked in water like a bidet to like soften the the wiping process up a bit so

the toilet paper is wet on this is the worst part of prison so on the videos they say that the faux pas is for the poop to break the surface of the water that's when the stink really happens so you have to flush often enough that it never breaks yeah how big are these people's shits that they're regularly they eat crazy meals dude they eat crazy meals in there like like they'll be fat as fuck but they'll work out four hours a day so do them i always wondered that like like i when i would watch tv shows and there'd be some guy who's just fucking shredded. I'm like, is he really able to hit the macros of protein that he needs to stay in that shape? Really? Snow asked me, he's like, how much protein should I be eating a day? Oh, how much protein should I be eating?

I don't know. That's getting into macho man's Randy Savage territory. Hey, how much protein does the macho man need? Gonna slip into a Slim Jim. More than that, brother. All the little hulksters know you need 120 grams of protein a day minimum. Did you tell him like one gram of protein

per kilogram of weight? Yo, what's a kilogram? Oh, he knows what kilograms are kilogram? He knows what kilograms are. That's exactly what kilograms are. Let me get my skills. Man, thanks for not using that imperial bullshit, man.

I called Kitty and I was like, hey, my buddy weighs 205. He wants to know how much... He's 205, 48 years old. How much protein should he have a day if he's trying to gain muscle and work out? She told him, and I told him. She told me, and I told him. How tall is he?

Probably shorter than me, probably 5'11", 5'10", something like that. That's a muscly guy. I think maybe the prison scale is wrong, because on my prison ID, it looks like I'm 6'3", and I don't think that's correct at all. You heard it here first. If you want to boost your height, go to prison.

Yeah, but it definitely says I'm 6'3". I went to the doctor, and they measured me at 6'2", which I'm not. And it was like... I'll take it. It made me question the competence of the staff there.

Alright, you're 6'2", your blood pressure is 120 over 80. You're ready to go, Matt. Don't even worry about the rest of these tests. Wait a goddamn minute. Alright. Now I am 6'2". But let's check on... Could you double check that blood pressure? Let's do it again.

Let's do it again. He also got another test back. It says you're gay. Could you double check that blood pressure? Let's average out three. Yeah, yeah. It says you're gay. No, I just like rectal thermometers. This is the last time I'm coming to this laundromat for my blood tests. Some Korean guy. Oh, you're so giant.

You must be at least 6'3". Also, you're gay. This is every Asian person now. Doing all the different ones is too hard. I like that you squint your eyes for it too. Well, that's just part of it. I didn't even realize. I think everybody does that like

just inherently they squint my eyes already squint when i laugh so that's but yeah the prison sounds fucking terrible other than like it is hilarious that there are guys in there who are worried about their protein macros yeah like how do i how do I hit fucking 200 grams of protein, man? How many max I got? Actually, you wouldn't have to eat that many max. That's the thing. He would hit it. Like 10 or a pouch.

He would tell me in great length what he ate every day. We'd be walking. He'd be like, this is what I ate yesterday. And he would break it down meal per meal. And I'm just sitting there like yeah man that's great sounds good it's a lot of protein sounds good yeah that's good uh-huh just like i don't give a fuck in my head i'm like a day will come when this won't matter a day will come when i don't fucking have to listen to a cholo

tell me about his macros. That day's a coming. You have the benefit of, you're probably a much better runner than I am. You're just a leaner kind of guy. Everyone. Whereas I feel like if I were in prison alongside him, I'd get a mile in.

Just be like, God, you gotta fucking stop talking, man. I'm dying here. I'm trying to do the pull-ups with you i'm i'm just so fat and do you do pull-ups i imagine you're good at them you look built for them i'm pretty good at pull-ups uh the only reason i can't do more of them is because uh titan fitness the company i bought my my power rack for in my basement they like i bought from them because buying a power rack from them was like 520 and getting the equivalent power rack from rogue fitness and like rogue is the tippity top high quality shit getting a similar one rogue is the gold standard titan seems to copy everything they do weld for weld. All that Titan does is look at what Rogue did and go,

let's make it cheaper and way harder to build. Go ahead. And that's what they do. And so to buy what I wanted from Rogue would have been like $1,400. And I was like, fuck that shit. And so I ordered from Titan and everyone, every review that I looked at was like, it works great. It's fine. But they sent me the totally wrong thing. And so I ordered the short rack so that I could do pull ups and not hit the top of my basement, like where all those beams are and everything they sent me the tall rack and so now if i want to do pull-ups i have to put my head in like spider heaven and so it like it freaks me out and so like i'll literally

be like and what and keep as little time as possible above the board and so i bought these two uh rotating handles to attach to the bottom of it and so now i can do almost more like leaning back while i'm doing pull-ups like and start here and rotate to the like front like like so that it sounds like you're hanging a little lower than ideal but you could just bend your knees and not touch the ground or i'm that's what i do yeah oh yeah i got the idea your feet were planted and you're you know doing like a row oh no no like i lift my feet off the ground or i'm that's what i do yeah oh yeah i got the idea your feet were planted and you're you know doing like a row oh no no like i i lift my feet off the ground because it's too low for like it to be tall enough for me to not have my feet on the ground but you know what i like for pull-ups yeah and and i'm not an expert at all but um i like those resistant band resistance bands

that you can put your feet into that make them easier i feel like it helps with form a lot um and with assistance bands yeah the assistance bands and i feel like it helps with form a lot. Assistance bands. Yeah, the assistance bands. And I feel like, let's say you can do eight chin-ups and your normal workout is like three sets of eight or something like that. If you plateau out, I feel like maybe it'd be better if you went on the resistance band for a while and tried to do like 20, like two sets,

like do 20 of them. You know, take 40 pounds off and do 20 instead or something oh you're right like or or it's like you really struggle with that wide grip that's all like back and deltoids or some shit like doing the same thing there like like some like chin-ups are fairly easy like like a lot of people crank out tension yeah for sure a lot easier and and but the various grips like some of them you're like, oh god, I guess I've never used these muscles before. That was my favorite.

That was Snow's favorite too. Really? The hands like this? The neutral grip. The neutral grip of the best. I like neutral grip. He was shifted every day. It was always different. He was probably fucking shredded. I like pull-ups i'm sure i'm no no i guess it's gonna go call him cholo for a

second but uh my i didn't realize this ceiling was low i never noticed it the ceiling in this room is a little lower than average it's probably seven and a half feet so i bought this thing and at the top of my pull-up i can just about kiss the ceiling it works but it's just a little higher than i want that's how you kind of rep a little it's just a little higher than I want it to be. That's how you counter-rep. It's kind of how I do it, yeah. I don't know if people can see, but that thing is just about touching the ceiling. Snow is very particular.

Wait, what do you have? Rogue, right? No, that's some Amazon thing. I wasn't even sure the idea would catch on. I'm sorry, Kyle. I didn't even talk about Snow. But I do these live streams, and I thought it would be kind of like funny if i did push-ups every time i sucked and uh like some of these games i'm not really good at i did 280

push-ups over two nights that's a lot for me and i saw that clip woody you're not using your push-up board no it's downstairs your push-up board save your wrist some strain i well i just do it on my knuckles to to get a similar effect but you're right i don't know what i should bring the board up here i'm doing most of my definitely dude so then just like because it was all push-ups i got this stupid pull-up rack and uh now i can work it you know some pull muscles too and that the stream always votes for pull-ups always every time, because it's more punishing, and I guess it's funnier to watch me fuck up. That bar, I don't love it.

It doesn't have any knurling on it, so my grip is the first thing to fail. I bought these silly gloves. Hold on. Yeah, no knurling is hard. All the pull-up things on my power rack have no knurling. Anyway, gloves go on like this this and then you kind of grab it and that helps me because oh yeah that's a deadlift straps are they i think that they're

i think the advertisement mentioned pull-ups to cobra grips is what they are and uh anyway they help me because i can do more pull-ups than my fingers can, if that makes sense. Woody and I got called the fuck out by a very, very fit guy in our Patreon chat. Where he was like, so you guys don't deadlift at all anymore. And I was like, well, I saw that clip on Rogan with the strongman who was like, you don't need to deadlift. And he cut me off and he's like, so you stopped deadlifting because you saw a clip of rogan and i was like would you say it like that well when you say it like that i'm embarrassed what you responded you respond with no i well i i just thought taking the advice of a world

championship professional athlete might be wise this guy's body was his resume yeah he was very fucking fit i mean he was like well what you gotta do romanian deadlifts yeah yeah so then he did romaine and we watched but you know my story is similar to taylor's but different taylor stopped when the strongman said to i didn't stop i I got injured. I hurt my elbow. This is a dumb thing. And I'm like, oh, I should have stopped when Taylor did. That's my story. See, like, you don't even know, Kyle. I was doing landscape work in my front yard.

I rented a chainsaw a couple weeks ago. And it wasn't until Woody asked me and was was like so did they give you like a training course or tell you how to be safe that i was like no not at all my home depot just gave it to me and basically said have fun and so i went i rented that and i for like all day just cut down a couple trees in my front yard cut down all the fucking shitty ass bushes and shit in my side yard and my like near my front of my home yeah and like it first of all chainsawing is a hell of a workout it's it's fun at first it's very fun at first but like i learned early that like i'm not good at gauging when it's through the actual log because there's like a line on my driveway now where i went

through a huge log way too much and when it like ran it was like and i was like oh fuck and then so now there's like a divot in my driveway where i fucked that up but the blades are nice and sharp uh yeah they after that they get after that cutting was an ordeal i just had to like sit down and be like just come on man just please thank god they're kind of a bitch to sharpen if you don't know how to do it you need a rat i have no idea how to and i we we cut down like a couple big pieces my dad and i and we left two enormous chunks and then i was like i gotta return this fucking chainsaw so i don't get charged over the 24 hour period so i ran and returned it and then got back and there were these two huge pieces after

everything we got done like i got it how much is a chainsaw rental it was for the 24 hours only like 85 or something oh that's a chain than i guessed yeah chainsaw's 300 yeah well i don't need a pretty good one i have a good tree i need to get removed it's 18 years old now like they're they last for a while you just change the blade they just keep going it's it's what is it a single stroke little fucking gasoline motor it just goes for fucking ever steel is the one yeah steel yeah yeah yeah my dad's got steels there i had to refill the gas in the middle of all the stuff because it wasn't like totally topped i like i like running them a lot like like i've i've um i've always enjoyed the chainsaw you feel like you've got a lot of power and then i'd always do that thing like a texas chainsaw massacre where like

you've never seen there's a scene at the end of texas chainsaw massacre where like the girl gets away she's like jumps in the truck and she's like go go go and the guy hauls ass away and uh leatherface stands in the highway with a chainsaw he does this like crazy dance of rage with the chainsaw and and at the end he's got he's going no no no no no no while he's like dancing like this like well of course obviously i like to juggle mine with an axe yeah i did that too i got kicked out of my hoa i don't like that i don't like that but yeah that like and then my my dad and i picked up one of like the second heaviest piece and we tried to carry it over to the dumpster i bought which turns out buying a dumpster to

throw shit away in like five hundred dollars didn't know it was that expensive buying a dumpster renting like renting a dumpster and that they deliver and take away because there are other companies that are like hey you can get a dumpster for 160 bucks if you want to deliver it and bring it back and it's like well i don't own a semi asshole like i don't know what i could do for this and like we were carrying shit and it smashed the top digit of my left index finger so bad when we were trying to throw this in and it slipped on my dad's side cut my head up real bad because it fell towards me and then smashed it into the side of the the

dumpster that like i was i it was actively very painful for like six days after where I'd like wake up and be like, my fingers probably fine. I'd like try and like hold a can of soda and be like, Nope, guess not. I guess I'm, I'm pointer finger up again as I drank, but it's mostly better. So I'm, I'm two weeks out from any sort of exercise. And it wasn't until yesterday that I was like thinking to myself, I'm like, you know, Taylor, you could have been squatting this whole time. And I was like thinking to myself, you know Taylor, you could have been squatting this whole time. And I was like, nah.

Nah. Unless I can do the fun overhead press and the fun bench. I'm not doing squats. Fuck that. Meanwhile, there's a guy playing NCAA football right now with his whole hand broken and he just put a club cast on it. Is there? Or are you just hypothetically?

Yeah. No. I'm pretty sure he plays for Alabama. I just remember the other day we were watching football and the guy put a club cast on it. Is there? Or are you just hypothetically? Yeah, no. I'm pretty sure he plays for Alabama. I just remember the other day we were watching football and the guy had this club over his whole fucking hand. And he played a position that's like, he was like an alignment or something like that too. And he was doing well. It made me feel bad because it was like, after every NHL postseason, it'll be like,

in this most recent one, they're like, yeah, and Tarasenko had uh three broken ribs for the last 20 games of the playoffs and meanwhile i'm like my fingy hurt that's how i felt about my elbow i don't know like i i know a guy who's like he doesn't respect knee injuries and i'm like really knee injuries in my mind are like one of the worst ankle injuries are one that i know always sort of comes back. Like they're the ones that, I mean, they're a problem, but you'll be okay. Elbow injuries, I didn't respect.

I was always like, elbow? Like, oh, do you have a wooey? You know, is your elbow hurty? No, dude. Like it was a real problem for me for a while. I ended up getting a cortisone shot. Yeah. It helped.

Do you want to read? This topic is, I think it's a choose topic actually, but it's awesome. The bagel dude. Mm-hmm. All right. Oh, bagel man.

Bagel man, friend of the show. Somehow he looks even worse in this photo. Promoter reportedly considering legal action against angry bagel guy for ditching fight. So this guy had signed up to be a fighter and the promoters angry bagel guy or whatever the fuck allegedly cost promoters as much as a hundred grand by backing out of a fight over the weekend i guess he backed out at the last second and he's laughing about it you're all sitting there with your thumbs way, way directly up your asses. Can we watch this

video of him on Twitter? Yeah, I'm on it. I'm queuing. Okay, so I guess this is him right after he backed out of the fight at the last second. Are you ready, Taylor? Yeah. Yeah, I'm ready.

Ready, set, play. I fooled you all all i ain't coming to the fight uh i mean after all what's the best way directly up your asses. Cool. I don't know what to make of this guy. I just hope that once he gets a yacht, we get invited onto it. When he gets his yacht,

apparently he's going to get $100,000 in debt. Dude. They paid him $3,000 and then he didn't show up to work. I wonder what he's liable for. The three grand? The judge will decide in civil court. The laughing... I don't think his attorney would have advised that video.

I don't think so either. Even in the court of public opinion, which is where I sit, it's hard to like, right? Yeah. I've hated him from the beginning. He's a real piece of shit. I still go with the, like, I lost my train of thought. Oh, so I feel like even though he's like, hey, I fooled you, et cetera, I got you guys.

Was he just afraid of fighting? Because that's what I read into it. Oh, definitely. That's definitely possible. That's definitely possible. It's probably likely that he just got scared at some point and was like, oh, so I'm really, really going to have to fight him. If this is for real, someone's going to punch him.

He looks like he's enthusiastic about fighting in almost all his videos he's constantly standing up for himself right up to not fighting typically yeah yeah or begging for forgiveness or like or screaming how dare you touch me why are you touching me yeah you're gonna push me around just because i'm short hey you can't hit short people yeah hey push me come push me. Come on. Come at me. Come at me. Hey, stop coming at me. You're not supposed to really do it. No, he's just, that guy's a real piece of shit. I mean, that's been clear from the beginning. I mean, I'm not saying he doesn't have reasons or excuses for being a piece of shit, but

that doesn't change the fact of the matter. I mean, you're not wrong, but he has an energy to him that's sometimes funny. Yeah, absolutely. That's undeniable. I thought it was very funny when it was mean and fucked up at the same time, but I kind of have that sense of humor. But when he was driving, he left that woman in the parking lot, and he's like, I'm going to drive back around and get her again.

He pulls back around, all right, come on on hop in the car ah just kidding i got her again something about 750 000 and none of it was true from the beginning i he says she was crazy and wanted i forget but i don't remember all that um i don't i don't know that i can believe his rantings. I bet if she came on the show, it's quite possible she's the sane one. Yeah, yeah. I doubt any... I mean, there are a lot of crazy people out there, and he's definitely one of them. And he's not a nice guy.

That's definitely true. But again, I mean, he's a tiny little fella. I mean, he's probably had a rough time of life. I'm sure he has a tiny little fella. I mean, he's probably had a rough time of life. I'm sure he has. Oh, yeah. Dude, being 4'11 as a man has got to be like, I can't even think of a female equivalent. Being retarded?

A burn victim? I don't know. How bad is 4'11? No, he's not. It's bad. He's not a hot 4'11, right? Like, let's say he was 4'11 and looked like T.J. 411 and looked like T.J. Dillashaw. T.J. Dillashaw!

Right? Dalladallabillishaw. People don't know he's a UFC fighter and he's a perfect specimen, but he's not a big guy. If he looked like that... But he doesn't. But he doesn't. If he looked like he looks now

and he were 5'10", you know, he'd be okay. He wouldn't be mocked openly. No. Right. See, like he's a freak of nature essentially at 4'11". I mean, he really is. You see him and it's striking how short he is. He's one of those people.

Sometimes you see a person who is so different than the rest of us that it catches your eye, you know, Oh, that guy's missing an arm. Oh, that's a burn victim. Oh, that person's four foot 11, you know, and, and, and he fits right in there with all of those people, you know, it's four foot 11 is ridiculous. I can't picture it, but like my mother is like five foot four. And when hug her her head's down here you know like like like it's like i can put my chin on the top of her head and this guy is five inches shorter than her his head is nuts on top of his head like like if yeah his head is like down here almost at nipple level on me like yeah that's absurd well i hope he's doing good i know he's not but uh i don't give a fuck how he's doing i hope somebody backs over him accidentally

i didn't see him and that would go through in court your honor well you are certainly not spending any time at Talladega Prison for this. Pay your parking ticket, you know, and pay for the cost to scoop them off the street.

Yeah. It just continues to be a piece of shit, you know. That's a shitty thing to do. And something about backing out of a fight is sort of like another level of, has like a more negative connotation to it. It's like, it's like,

oh, that's, that's another thing that you lose respect for someone for like, if you back, yeah, if you, if you say you're going to fight and then you sign an agreement to fight,

but then you back out of that fight, it's just, it's, it's, there's like this thing that goes back to like the playground mentality of like well billy didn't show you know i like to paint this conversation through the lens of kyle's adopted a new set of ethics out of prison you know like yeah you can't bitch out of a fight uh waygo weto weto yeah. All I've learned from this is that

I would not do nearly as well in prison as Kyle did. Oh, you'd do fine. Yeah, you'd do fine. I think I'd be the worst of us. Because I feel like where Kyle's success came from, a lot of it was the social thing, you know? If I approach someone to give them my radio, I feel like I i do it wrong

possibly but i'm not socially retarded but like kyle's uh one percenter in that regard and uh that's what it takes to get by in prison i don't think i don't i think i was in kind of a unique situation for a lot of reasons just looking like i do and being my age and um and you know being there for the two months and everything um and you know having the guards come by and be be all super friendly with me there were a lot of compounding factors i think made things a little bit more um stressful for me that maybe they wouldn't for um particularly taylor um you know you you'd have probably been playing flag football out there or something like that. They had flag football?

They had teams and everything. Another thing that might help me based on the prison videos I see, if you're over 40, you can kind of opt to just not be in the game. The whole toughness thing. People just like, yeah, he's not a player. I could be that guy.

Maybe. I don't know it didn't work out for fucking gary or whatever as he's it was that his name gary who who is the guy who is like i'm here washing my clothes here's my celly about to wake up oh greg the guy who just talks to himself all the time don't mess with him he's he has like uh an ongoing uh what do you call it um he's like narrating his own life 25 year old greg but i got beat up for that i don't know and i walked over to the counter and got the same old meal i had every other day my celly hit me with the right and a left. Ouch! Oh, Sally whooping my ass good now!

Yes, he is! Uh-oh! Go Greg! Woke up on the wrong side of the bed today! He ain't gonna be able to sleep tonight, though, cause Sally whooping his ass! Stomping a mud hole in it! Yes, sirree! I'll be eating soup for a week! My man be about to figure out

that I've got hep C. Joke's on you, wet hoe. Yeah, Greg was okay. He and I had... We both like to eat tuna occasionally. And I like to make... That was it. That was it.

Well, we've got that whole tuna salad connection, right Greg? Tuna connection. So you'll hide this shank up your ass when the screws come around. Greg and I both breathe oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide. The tuna and the mac thing surprises me. I would have imagined like beef jerky

being a huge player. You can't get beef jerky no slim jim why that's like beef logs turkey logs oh turkey logs aren't bad it's like jim's that big it's that big around and about that long and people chop it up and throw it into their like soups and like bowls of like junk and microwave it up so they got some meat in there. I saw Greg two nights ago making this bowl. He was taking a Slim Jim and biting off nibbles of it

and spitting it in the bowl. Nobody would give him a knife. That's horrific. Nobody told him where the knives were. He saw me chopping up a pickle making relish. I get those whole pickles that come in like little plastic pouch and i'm chopping the whole pillow up hot mamas yeah i'm chopping the pickle up and i'm looking around for guards the whole time because i'm not i've

got a fucking knife in my hand i'm just all right this shit fucking chopped up real quick and i'm you know i'm chopping like a professional like first lengthwise and then down the other way so i get these little cubes he's like like, Silly got him a knife. What's Silly doing with that knife? And I'm like, shut the fuck up, Greg. I'm making relish. Shut the fuck up, Greg. Is he like projecting?

He's like, ooh, Silly got that knife. Silly wants me to quiet down about contraband. Silly don't want nobody to know he got a knife. Got a shank in the cellar. He got a shank in his cube. Oh, Mr. Myers here. Number 197-012. Silly don't know, I've got a neurological disorder,

which means I have to dictate everything I do. Got a brain tumor pressing on my cerebellum. Yes, I do. Yes, I do. Size of a golf ball. Chop it up, silly. Got the blade. Silly, got the blade.

Shut the fuck up. I'm going to stick you. I lose more and more of my memories by the day it's depressing but you gotta forge ahead yeah i i um i'm just like shut the fuck up greg so where'd you get the knife i i can't say greg and somebody told me where it was where do they keep it i can't say greg it's not it's not my knife you got it can i borrow it it ain't mine to give. It was so funny that when you were saying, and I knew two of the three knife locations, I was thinking like, fuck.

Like shanks? Like a sharpened toothbrush? And we mostly used it for cutting up pickles into relish. Yeah. It wasn't for hurting people. It could be. If you wanted to hurt somebody, you put a lock in a sock. Where do you get locks? We had padlocks. you can get a padlock out of the commissary

everybody that was one of the first things that i bought too i got so paranoid the first week or two after the rape thing i was so paranoid that somebody was going to be jealous of me being in there for two months and they were going to plant drugs or contraband on in my in my locker and like frame me. So I would be in there for longer. And I was thinking like, I'm holding together real well. I'm focused on getting out October 3rd, but if they were to give me another like two months, like I'll do it or whatever, but man, it's going to be disheartening if they tack on more time or to this thing. Like I'm focused on this, this end of

this end that I can see that's at the end of the tunnel. And if they tack on more, you know, if I'd started with four months, I'm focused on four months from now, but I did, they, and I'd be okay with that. If they move the goal line halfway through the race, it's, it's so disheartening. It's so discouraging. And so I was terrified that they were going to hear that there was about to be a search and they were going to hide their shit in my locker or intentionally get me dirty. Throw some weed or some synthetic marijuana, which was in there, or put a pill or whatever. Spice was in there. Yeah.

I'll talk about the guy who got busted for that and what they did to him next week but uh so i told snow wanted to go running and i was like i'm not going he's like why not and uh david told him in spanish like why and uh and he was like oh shit be right back and he comes back with padlock and a little notepad with a combination on it. Here you go. Here. Don't lose this. I'm like, lock that bitch up. And I had a padlock for the rest of the time I was there. I like to think that Snow went to commissary and he's like, I'll be needing a lock.

Five dollars. You gonna tax the family? Dude, locking a sock works. That Antifa professor smacked some guy on the top of the head with that. Immediate pouring of blood. I had no idea how much damage that would do. That's a bike lock. That's a different scenario, though.

Bike locks have a cable attached to them and you plug the cable into the block. This is like padlock with the high school locker type thing and you put that in a tube sock and then it's... That would be even more devastating because it's a smaller point of impact. It's heavier.

Yeah. I used to do Brazilian Jiu Jitsu with some prison guards and they told me about locking a sock. Those guys allowed it to happen. They'd let them punish each other. It was also something that they were always concerned about.

They just felt like if they were to get assaulted locking a sock would be the opening volley to kill you they could totally kill you like that um another thing about that book mr mercedes the retired cop he carries two things on his person a revolver and something he calls the happy slapper the happy slapper is a tube sock with ball bearings in the end and a knot tied in it he's got like a double handful of ball bearings in the end and it's and if he and he uses it to fuck people up you know if somebody's getting out of line he doesn't even hesitate he's got he's got his hand on it in his suit jacket and he's out with it and he's fucking whacking him in the throat.

In the movies, whenever there's gangsters, that's usually the core of their toughness. It's not so much that they're better fighters because you can see they're not. They look like lousy, regular people. But they go straight to the stabbing and the locking socks and the happy slappers. happy slappers. And it's, it's about not hesitating to perform the act of violence and not doing that thing that everybody else does, where we escalate from arguing to getting in each other's face to shoving.

Like, like even I knew in high school, like, like, and like, like, like the fighter two, I got in and like middle school through high school,

I was like, we got to skip that middle phase. That's where, that's where there's uncertainty. Like as soon as it's for sure on and we're face to face, got to hit him in the face as hard as I can. This is my chance to strike first

and strike hard. The way high school fights work is who bled the most. Well, that guy had ground control. As you can see, he had complete control of the octagon, Joe. Actually, Goldie, I noticed that Billy had a bloody nose. control as you can see here he had complete control of the octagon joe well um actually uh actually goldie i noticed that billy had a bloody nose and so kyle won yeah it's not damage i i did

that in seventh grade i was in eighth grade and my opponent was in seventh grade so i assume right you'd think i would win turns out after i agreed the fight, I learned that he was held back a year, and that really wasn't to my advantage. And he was bigger than me, because puberty was a distant location for me to arrive at. And, you know, so we're squaring off, and

I hit him. I hit him right in the eye. Right? And pow! Good shot. That was my opening volley. I didn't do the wrestle, the shove, or anything. It wasn't a sucker punch, either. We were both squared up. I popped him in the eye right and it pow good shot that was my opening volley i didn't do the wrestle the shove or anything it wasn't a sucker punch either we were both squared up i popped him in the eye and then it starts tearing i'm like what's the matter trevor you crying that was the highlight for me in that fight and then everything precipitously down yeah he was just better than me at fighting and he hit me like again and again and again and like i want to say like 15 minutes of getting hit i was like what's wrong trevor are you crying

because everything in my field of vision is crying i don't know if it's 15 no really are you because my eyes are swollen so much i can't see it wasn't i did have a black eye though and that you know was a mark of shame that lasted a week or two and he had some bruises I'm kind of exaggerating it wasn't the only time I hit him but I did lose and it was clear because 10 minutes into it

I was like you know I'm not really mad anymore we're not so different you and I except our punch count is 2 to one you're bigger and stronger yeah i'm afraid of what's to come and i lost a fight in eighth grade that happened i thank god i i avoided all of that by being enormous at that age just being big and wide saved me because I you probably won't believe this but most of the time I would get myself into trouble was because of my big mouth get out let me know some some people think thought the things I said were rude

hilarious have you ever seen so I i married an axe murderer yes uh michael myers michael myers have you seen yeah michael myers uh mike myers um have you ever seen remember the scene where um mike goes home to his parents house and of course he plays his own father movie you know he just gets in makeup and he does it's um what's the accent scottish he's doing this uh very strong scottish accent for the father and the father has like had another son who's like a teen like 13 mike mike myers is like 30 and but he's a 13 year old brother and the dad calls him head head because his head's enormous he's like look at his head it's enormous hey move you're blocking the television and like like like look at that's got a gancho on

he's just like there's a whole scene i'll link it we probably can't watch it but uh check that out later and uh it's it's a really funny thing and it's a good movie what brought it up uh taylor's enormous head oh yeah okay you know what nobody stands up for the enormous headed among us you know first first they came for the jews but i did not stand up because i wasn't a jew then they came for the big-headed there was no one left to defend me those are the only two groups that came for jews now it is okay that you're gay it's more the gross big heads we discussed it by. Yeah? Anyway, get on the train. Only five of you, though,

because there's not a lot of room. We're going to need half of you upside down. You have to be inverted, which is fine, because you will behave as though a weeble wobble does. Yeah, even if you look at the thumbnail, can see mike myers in makeup in the background and then the kid's enormous head in the foreground yeah that's a funny movie i haven't seen it

that's mike myers in the back that's hilarious yeah yeah that's like very very young mike myers um yeah maybe 30 yeah young ish yeah 30 young for his career you know um he's pretty old now he's not he doesn't look like himself anymore it's sad really yeah same with jim carrey like if you see jim carrey right now yeah he looks like bizarre weirdly emaciated and just not at all the Jim Carrey I cracked up at. He should have gotten fat with the rest of the people of his age group. Then he wouldn't be so dehydrated looking.

Dan Aykroyd looks much better than Jim Carrey because Dan Aykroyd's got some extra pounds. Probably 50. He's puffed up. The skin starts sagging and he started inflating it out to make up for it so it stayed taut

genius smart gain 2 pounds a year after the age of 50 and by 80 you're long dead some of us start earlier yeah hey I'll wait until next week to get on him i gotta catch up i heard

there's a whole documentary oh there's a whole docudrama 2.2 million views the wings of redemption this is the lens that i viewed it through and probably no one else it's two hours long over the course of that two hours i'm in it a bunch i age 11 years wings of redemption doesn't age one fucking year in that whole thing when you watch it kyle look at that wings doesn't look any older at the very end than he does at the start of it he stayed puffy the whole time that's that's how we just we just went over this yeah he's been playing 3d chess this whole time well i mean i'm going gray on my sides already like the side of my hair are you no gray up here but i've got like 28 yeah yeah my dad started to go gray early and my dad's like 55 56 or something like that and he is a silver fox now like just straight full head of hair but it's all silver yeah my dad's 65 and he's still got some uh some

some black in his hair um i've got gray in my uh i could count how many gray hairs i've got like on my beard like there was like two in my mustache and i think like eight i noticed the other day in my in my like chin and i thought about plucking them but i was like no these make me look distinguished and mildly deranged i literally noticed that when you posted it or when kitty posted it or whatever and i saw the photo i was like damn i hope he doesn't shave because the gray and the beard is solid that's why woody's beard is so great. Other than it being so full and good. That gray bit,

you can see it on Woody's face right now. It's mostly gray. It's subtle, but if you look carefully, you can see the gray ones. That's true of the brown. I can't believe you don't realize that's a cool beard. It looks good. again again in that hypothetical

hypothetical future that has that horrific disaster in it right right so many like 25 30 year old girls would be like i like no 0 25 year old girls would look at this gray beard and think it's cool you're so wrong not so wrong man they would like that it shows status it's distinguished yeah it looks good almost every woman has daddy issues it's not like there's like oh yeah 20 of them maybe it's like 90 my hypothetical tinder profile would be geared around that oh yeah geared around that and like like being a sugar daddy but being the kind of sugar daddy who actually doesn't come through because I know you're nice and frugal. So you'd be like, oh, yeah, I'll take you shopping next week.

I'll take you shopping. You pick her up and take her to Kohl's. The dollar store. Go wild, baby. You can order anything you want off this menu. I'll carry your tray. What a jizzy Lankus. It's been all over the nightly news.

Pretty lame and extreme. Well, it can't be. 21-year-old oversleeps for jury duty and goes to jail for 10 days. You know what I was thinking about recently? I've heard a rumor that if you don't vote, you're not entered into the jury duty pool. It's not true. Voting is one of the things that enter you into the jury pool.

But also, I think maybe you're taxed. What's the other one? There's other things. Look, you're in it. You're in it. God damn. Well, I'm not voting either way. Because I've been called for jury duty before.

I think taxes are one of the things. like paying county taxes or something like that gets you in there because i got called for jury duty when i was like 24 or something like that like and and i didn't vote when i was 24 you know i it was it was uh i maybe see maybe maybe even when you're in when you file for like no, that's federal selective service. But yeah, I've been called in before, and I immediately said, they ask you, do you think that you could, I don't remember the phrasing exactly, but it's something like, could you stand in judgment against an individual, basically? And I just said, nope. No, I don't think I could. Even if he was guilty, I don't think I could stand in judgment against him. I wouldn't want to do that to him. You know, I can't think I could. Even if he was guilty, I don't think I could stand in judgment against him.

I wouldn't want to do that to him. I can't. And they're like, all right, well, you're fucking excused then. We need people who can. It's that easy. People are always like, oh, make up this whole thing about you think he's guilty or you think he's not guilty. And make up, no, just say you can't stand in judgment against another person i always thought like the like the thing to do was like the the bigot angle where they're like all right we're trying an irish guy for this and then like the move would be to be like you know i

think i'm unbiased the only thing is i fucking hate irish people mix i fucking hate those those gosh darn mix and then like then they would let you go or is that something i've only imagined and seen in movies you could but then something could happen that would really you know you just admitted in court that you're a racist so like what against the kind of white person nobody cares i well i've never i've only had the worst part of jury duty which which is I sat in a room two entire days waiting to see if they needed jurors and they didn't. Yeah.

So there was no like anything to get out of. We were just there as a threat in case they couldn't settle or something. Did you find out what the case was about? The Scranton Street? I don't think it was just one. I think we were there like on. Big jury pool. Yeah. I don't think it was just one. I think we were there. Big jury pool. We were the pool that they would

bring in and interview if they needed people. Mine was a rape case. Black guy accused of raping a black girl. I was ready to be like, he did it! I can tell he did. Look at him. Just fucking look at him.

What else do I need to say to let me go home? my neighbor was in there it was what else do i need to say to let me go home my neighbor was in there too um he and you know at the time i was like 22 or 24 somewhere in there i don't recall exactly and he's like you know he's an adult it's 40 so and he was he's like this is a bunch of bullshit i need to be back home working right now i got stuff to do and i was like just tell him you can't do it i can't do it i need to be back home working right now. I got stuff to do. And I was like, just tell him you can't do it. I can't do it. I need to be at work. No,

no, no. Tell him you can't do it. Like, like tell him, tell him this isn't something that you feel comfortable with and they'll just let you out. And,

uh, and we both did. And we were outside and he was like, fuck that. He done it. Like, since we got outside, he's like,

you could tell, right? He looks scared. Maybe it's good that he wasn't on the jury. Yeah. And I was like, I don't know, man. I'd be scared as shit if I was accused of rape too, even if I didn't do it.

Could you get out of jury duty by telling them, no matter what's said, I'm going to vote not guilty? Yeah. Oh, so you can just straight up lie. Yeah, there's all kinds of lies you can tell. On a religious basis, you could just say that you you know you can't do it because of that you can say that you can admit to that you're that you're bigoted in one way or another like for or against the defendant in one way or another

you can say that you know you're you can imply these things of course you know and and and just get out they're they want good jurors they want jurors who want to be jurors, who are interested in making $5 a day and spending the next two months in a courtroom, potentially. They don't want you. I wouldn't want me as a juror for me. I would want me as a juror for me

because after spending some time with those people in there, I came to the conclusion that, like, man, so many of these people need to be let the fuck go. Really? They have learned their lesson. They are ready to go. You almost never heard anybody be like, can't wait to get out. I'm going to sell some dope and pillage and steel.

No, they were like, can't wait to get out. I'm going to get that forklift job i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna take care of my family i'm gonna work hard this time i'm gonna stay away from them people and those people and i shouldn't have ever been there anyway and i'm not gonna let anybody putting down guns in my house again and winning my gun he was just keeping it in my house and like shit like that like these are people focused on a future that involved that did not involve crime. And they had learned their lesson already because they'd been in for like eight, ten years.

And they still had like five, six more years to go and shit like that. Ever see those old photos of like the Guardian Angels and the New York City subways? And the subways were all like graffiti. And it was genuinely dangerous especially at nighttime that was the environment before all that like super criminal law three strikes you're out stuff came in and now i like most of the population is like dude they've gone way too hard some of these three strikers like two of those strikes were kind of bullshit. And for sure, like, yeah, whatever.

Like he got into a bar fight that he didn't start. And, you know, this thing was hardly even a violent offense at all. And, and the, you know, but that,

what third one was like, or maybe the first of the third was real. And it, like it just punishments don't fit the crime sometimes. And I, I wonder, like, I kind of think that we're doing it wrong.

I'm on that page, but it's like, if you swing too far, you might get the 1980s again. And I don't know what the answer is. You know what sucks about that is, like, in the late 80s, isn't that when Reagan was like, we don't need these camps for mentally deranged people. We're shutting them all down. Like, he shut down all the mental hospitals.

And it's like like all that's gonna do is flood prisons with people who really shouldn't be there and yeah that that's pretty fucked yeah did you have did you see mentally ill people when taylor mentioned that i started thinking if i did uh no i don't think so there were a lot of sick people um there were a lot of like people who were ill in one way or another with, um, you know, chronic issues,

the cough guy, there were, there were old people in there, you know, who like could barely get around and had walkers and stuff. And we're, we're, we're handicapped.

Were they abused or taking care of the game? They're taken care of. It wasn't really a game to speak of. Um, there were people who sort of ran side businesses but there wasn't like a gang to support them necessarily there was just but you mentioned snow had stood up i think it was snow stood up for himself several times yeah right but these old guys never had to like they must have viewed snow you just you just gotta it's just like if you take how much issue are you going to take for the smallest bit of disrespect?

A guy who's just like joking around with you and like touching you a little bit too much, that's the sort of thing that would set Snow off ready to fight. And those are the kind of confrontations that he would have. Like somebody got a little bit too familiar with him and he felt disrespected at all. Or if somebody sat in his seat or uh you know something like that but like nobody was like looking for any kind of physical trouble like openly like nobody's walking around the chip on their shoulder tv guys seem to have a chip he definitely had a chip and he also didn't like white people and he didn't like me and i think he was upset that i

had such a little amount of time and uh and you And it was a lot of things compounding that guy. That guy just had a bad attitude, too. He was always just in a bad mood, it seemed like. He'd been in for 14, and he had two more. And he looked young. I was like, when did you start? I didn't ask him. I'm like, give a fuck.

He was my most. I hated him. I hated that guy. He was the worst. Fuck that guy. Mickey, you watch the boring-ass news about Montgomery? Who fucking cares? I wanted everybody to love Raymond. I want to see what He was the worst. Fuck that guy. Mickey, you watched the boring-ass news about Montgomery? Who fucking cares? I wanted everybody to love Raymond.

I want to see what Ray was up to. Then you would think that everybody would love Raymond. He just wanted all the TVs on the fucking local news. We watched the news. You kind of mentioned that he was grumpy all the time. I imagine there was an unspoken friction that you didn't let on about.

Am I off target um just all you know like like i slept through the time to pick up my laundry one day and i went over he ran the laundry and i went over like an hour late and i was like hey i slept through when the you know everybody picked the laundry up can i get it now and it's like right back there behind him on a shelf and he's like nope gotta come in tomorrow i a shelf. And he's like, nope, got to come in tomorrow. I'm like, all right, what time? Same time as every time. Cool. All right.

Maybe you don't know. I'm not good at times. You should have been like, all fuckers fight you right now. It's like right back there, motherfucker. You know, just there are a few other things. Just always, you know, he and I did not get along always something oh just just always some little minor thing uh just having some issue with him and you there's this guy that's fucking with me all the time you're over there and he's like raymond you don't need to worry about that i'll take care of any problem

you have fucking big retard brother yeah i like retard brother I like that show the overbearing mother the whole thing that was good the overbearing mother part was fun I don't recall what the dad's name was Frank Frank was funny as fuck he and the younger brother

he's dead as can be but he was also in secondhand lions he was i really liked that movie he was also in taxi driver with robert de niro i watched that uh probably six days ago yeah great it was movie did you recognize uh the old man yeah and it was hilarious because it's like, I looked it up on my phone and it's like, this movie was filmed in 1974.

He's still bald. Still bald and old as fuck. He's still bald. In 74. Like 50 years ago. The bald version of Bernie Sanders. You just look like that from the start. Yeah, it just always looks like that.

That movie is so fucking good. We distribute hair follicles on all men it's not fair that these italians and these greeks have such thick hair i know the rest of us are struggling kyle wants to say something i was gonna say i love taxi driver i like when that in the very beginning when that guy gets a ride in his taxi and he's like just park right here just let the meter run yeah he's like all right all right he's like you see that apartment building right there you see that window there's a i won't say what he said there's a black in there and he's fucking my wife what do you think about that what do you think about that huh

he's fucking over this big black dick huh what do you think about that i don't know man i don't know de niro's just like not want to get involved he's like you know i think i think about what a 44 magnum would do to a face you ever see that it blow a face apart destroy it what do you think it do to a pussy denarius is like i don't know uh you sure you want the meter to run yeah yeah run it run it it was funny because denarius character is just like is just like, I understand you're upset. What's the plot of that movie? I remember De Niro wants a job that works a lot of hours. De Niro is a taxi driver.

He wants as many hours as he can get because he's gone basically insane. He lives all alone. He's crazy. He falls in love with this woman that he sees on the street. She works for a political campaign. He becomes all alone. He's crazy. He falls in love with this woman that he sees on the street. She works for a political campaign. He becomes fascinated with her. He asks her out on a date. He takes her on the date to a porn theater. She gets totally

offended and disgusted. It's something that he did. He would go watch it as a viewer. He's just watching it like it's a movie or something. He wasn't even beaten off. She's disgusted, runs out of the place He can't understand why she doesn't like him Travis Bickle was the character's name I think and so he sort of like start and at the same time

He's also become acquainted with a 14 year old prostitute played by Jodie Foster so far De Niro sounds great And so De Niro De Niro starts snapping and losing his mind He goes and purchases weapons, and he ends up in this vigilante situation where he kills a guy who's robbing a gas station or a convenience store. And then at the end, he snaps.

He's like, I'm going to kill that fucking politician that that bitch that left me works for. That'll take care of all this. So he shaves his head into a mohawk, army jacket on fucking loaded up with guns secret service guy is like hey man how's it going and he feels awkward he feels like he's been found out so he just walks away and he decides instead i'm gonna go free that 14 year old prostitute that harvey kytel's character is is uh like his is her pimp and he's like keeping

her locked up in here and selling the 14 year old to men and he fucking de niro goes on a on a rampage of vigilante justice that lasts about the last 10 minutes of the movie or so and he's got he's got 44 magnum he's got a little 25 automatic he's got a 38 special he's got uh he's got four guns on him one of them he's taken you know that arm on like a kitchen drawer where you've got like the, you know, the mechanism that allows it to slide in and out. There's like an arm or there's like a little metal plate and then there's a metal plate on the drawer and then there's a little wheel. A slide, yeah. Yeah. He makes this arm brace that like attaches it to his forearm and he puts the gun on the slide.

to his forearm and he puts the gun on the on the on the slide so when he goes the gun slides out of his sleeve and into his hand and he just just kills like three or four people a ton of people uses his bowie knife too when he shoots the guy goes no no and he shoots him with a 44 magnum and it blows like this much of his hand off like these three fingers and a bunch of the palm just goes it's it's it's pretty hardcore excellent movie one of my favorites and deniro's super young he's like 24 something like that in that movie super lean like like but too lean honestly like like emaciated his head looks uh his head looks like if i weighed 160 pounds it absolutely does fucking weird and he has these monologues because it's just him a lot of time he like, I spent too much time getting soft,

laying around, eating fat on the hog. Gotta get hard. Gotta get mean. And he's like a month. He's like holding his hand over the gas burner of his stove. Just, I don't know what kind of workout that is.

Wait, does that burn calories? Cause sounds easy that's called the i want my fist to be sensitive tomorrow yeah yeah that dumb ass shit that like they'll do in movies where it's like yeah i'm trying to train to be cool that's why i'm like touching hot irons and shit and it's like well maybe just like like do a pull-up or something like that yeah maybe don't go full retard well i'm glad i'm back gentlemen i had a wonderful time with you guys i've been looking forward to doing the show with you guys for the last couple months and to the fans i i i'm glad to be back i uh i i really enjoy doing these things with and for you guys. So,

uh, you know, you'll make the next hangout. Absolutely. I will, uh, you know, so,

uh, sign up for the hangout and get, get a little, a little more fun with me. And, uh, yeah, that's all I got.

I think that's the show, right? Are there any post rolls? There are not. P.K.A. 459.