Painkiller Already - Painkiller Already #460

Episode Date: October 18, 2019

In this week's PKA, this week's show... we have an epic powerhouse of Bruce Greene, formerly of Funhaus, joining us for the first time with regular, always awesome, our pal Tucker... the guys go over more of Kyle's prison stories, review Tucker's hilarious scooter injury and his viral sponsorship mistake.

PKA 460 with our guests Bruce and Tucker Taylor Take 3 this episode of PKA is brought to you by Squarespace and SmartMouth and we got one very very old friend with remnants of a facial injury in Tucker and a new friend with Bruce which is his name

hello I don't have any injuries though the guests have no idea who might have messed up a name it could be anyone it could be anyone. It could be anyone. Anybody could have done it. I watched his face do it, but, you know, whatever.

Is that a rough zit you're dealing with, Tucker, or is that the last remnant of the scooter disaster? Yeah, this is the last remnant of my lovely fall on a scooter late a scooter late one night while you know very very drunk uh and if you're if you're looking for like specifics on how it happened all i really remember is that i braked really hard and flew over the handlebars and i don't remember hitting the ground or getting back to the hotel. Minor concussion. Yeah. Did you actually get a minor concussion? You concussed yourself on a scooter? I concussed myself.

Well, here, you know, like, look, when you fall, yeah, 20 miles an hour, when you fall, like, you brace your hands, right? You brace yourself. I have no abrasions and no bruises on my hands. Face first. Face first. Right. And so, you know what they say is like the drunk person always

survives a car crash because they don't tense up. I'm convinced the only reason why I have like all my teeth and didn't break anything was because I was just so shithouse that I just let it happen. You're a real daredevil. Did you rent a scooter without a helmet? i don't have helmets on them

they don't have helmets on it you're supposed to byoh and i didn't have yeah oh i don't know it's like a meme to me these things they all tell you that you need a helmet i think you check the box saying that you brought a helmet yeah yeah nobody you do and they'll send you a free helmet too if you ask them to that's like when you get painkillers after a surgery and it says take as prescribed. You're never going to do it. I know. We all save them up for a Chardonnay and a painkiller

later. Right? Chardonnay and painkiller. I was stuck on alcohols. I'm like, what's quick? You couldn't have picked something better than Chardonnay because that's like classic white woman with a pill problem kind of drink.

I knew that. Topical? Astute? It's good. I'm glad your face is okay. It was a pretty hardcore scooter that you were on, huh? I wish I knew if it was a bird or a lime. Those are the only two apps I could probably look back

and see which one. Look at your history. But yeah, it was one of them. I don't know which one I'm going to sue for my own problems. Well, I mean, if you attempt some nonsense like this, this will no doubt show up in evidence. That's absolutely not. Now that we know that you were heavily drunk drunk clearly when you were because because we know you were drunk because you chose to ride a scooter in public and then you somehow crashed it what

kind of scooter was it i i can't picture this thing for some i i know it wasn't a segue which i think so you really don't know you don't know about these birds and limes do they not have these in atlanta they have them but like it's like it's like when you see a bum shitting in the street and you avert your eyes because someone's humiliating themselves and you don't want to feed in whenever i see someone on one of those i just i look away it's their fault for looking yeah yeah i mean i'm just out here i don't know they go they go they go up to 20 miles an hour. They get going pretty quick. So presumably if you do, in fact, break very hard, you are at risk to flip over the headwaters. They have no suspension.

Which is the toughest part, I thought. It's a rattly, rocky ride when you go in top speed. Yeah. Just me? There's no shocks. It just feels like the worst thing in the world. There isn't even inflated tires. They're like big roller blade tires.

It's like a razor scooter from back in the day, except this one has an electric fucking motor on it. The wheels are still tiny. If you hit a crack, you're done. You've got to start lifting. People feel invincible on them. When I lived in the city,

you'd just be driving down an urban road and people would just zoot and zag all all through i didn't know you're right kyle about the the being drunk and not being ashamed of being on a scooter the only time i've ever ridden those scooters has been drunk and the last time i did it was with a group of friends and my girlfriend we were in downtown st louis at a bar and we're like the guy's house we're going to is only like seven miles from here why don't we seven miles that is way outside my scooter and yeah when you're when you're in downtown st louis you don't want to be taking scooter treks through places you're not familiar and so i remember being like two miles

into this and my girlfriend's not confident enough to go fast but there's like homeless people that are dangerous around there i'm like honey keep up keep up she's like struggling not to fall and it was i mean in retrospect it was funny at the time i'm like god i'm gonna get fucking mugged because she's not gonna keep up and i'm gonna have to run back there and then they're gonna shoot me Dad style as I say, oh I guess if it were the Batman thing we both died So did you did you think a homeless person was gonna dive out from the side of the street and take your wallet as you? Go by at 20 miles an hour. Did you think that was gonna happen? They're incredibly agile Have you not seen 28 days?

Like on the ropes I cornered into a you know cornered into into oh yeah i don't know like i don't know what the homeless are like there but have you ever seen world war z where they almost take an aqueous liquid form and just barrel towards you they flow yeah they flow towards you i didn't know where to ride a scooter. I rented one and on the sidewalk, I felt like a jerk with all those pedestrians and I'm going faster. In the street, I felt like That's illegal. Yeah, that's illegal. It might be

the opposite for Salt Lake City. I think, really? I mean, I have low confidence on this, but I thought I was supposed to be on the sidewalk and then I wasn't supposed to be in the road. All the scooters say do not ride it on the sidewalk. It's a motorized vehicle. you're supposed to ride it in the street it goes above the maximum speed limit that's like like same with bikes you're not supposed to ride your bike on the sidewalk but that's right yeah i i so i used to ride an electric bike to machinima every day for about

three years from culver city west hollywood which is about a nine mile ride. And it would take me 35 minutes or so. And literally the bike ride was the same speed as driving a car there. So I would just take the electric bike and the electric bike was not allowed to go anywhere near the sidewalk. It had to always stay on the street. It was a nightmare. It was an absolute nightmare. It was like you were literally going to die every single ride

through West Hollywood because there are so many cars and so many people. And it's even worse being on those scooters because they're smaller and have no suspension. And nobody can see you, I swear. And no one can see you, yeah. And people, like, when I see a biker on a road that doesn't have, like, a bike lane, my initial thought is wait until there's a way to pass them and then pass them so far into the left lane that i'm gonna hit oncoming traffic no matter what right yeah but on these scooters people are like maybe i'll just put a little like half my tire in the other lane i'll just zoom around you and it's like you know you're getting clipped by mirrors and shit so i don't know why i get to not use a scooter yeah you own a car a rather nice car yeah but. So, you know, when I use the scooter,

it is when it's in the awkward Uber range and awkward like walk range. So I'll walk anywhere if it's a mile or under. Any more than that, and then it's like it's just faster to get an Uber. But if it's between one and two miles, that Uber's pissed at me no matter what. It's like a six buck Uber.

So if I get on the scooter, it's like 250, and I It's like a six buck Uber. So if I get on the scooter, it's like $2.50 and I get to get a little dangerous. But I'm cutting back on the scootering. Too much thrill-seeking? I follow. I'm right there with you. It's right up there with skydiving. Slow down, Evel Knievel.

I have a question for Bruce. You mentioned Machinima. How much did the people there hate me at Machinima? Oh, I don't, I mean, so I don't have very much of a reference. I don't think that they hated you. Oh, I went there once and there was a picture of Benedict Arnold with my face on it hanging in somebody's cube. Holy shit. Well, I mean, like the thing is that Machinima, so I didn't, I made the original content there.

I never did any of the partner management stuff. So, so I don't know. And I would talk to people at partner management, and they were my friends. But no one ever mentioned anything like they hated you specifically. I'm a fucking Woody guy. That's the only evidence I had, but it seemed pretty concrete. I mean, look, if you saw it, then I believe you, Woody. No, see, that wasn't Benedict Arnold.

That was George Washington. They saw you as a I believe you would eat it. No, see, that wasn't Benedict Arnold. That was George Washington. They saw you as a general. A pioneer, yeah. I asked whichever Optic J or Optic something. Yes. Optic J probably. Ryan. And I was like, is that Benedict Arnold?

And he said, yeah. I'm trying to think whose booth it would be in like who did you piss off individually because like there were so many people at that company at that towards the end right i i don't know um here's what i imagined to be my offense there was a time when uh x jaws and i went in there and we – like on behalf of everyone really but ourselves too, we negotiated some better things. Like we used to get paid quarterly, and that was – it was like it was hard to live off a quarterly paycheck. Like the cash flow is too lumpy. It all dumps in.

I remember the – yeah, I remember it. And also there was no – like you couldn't really look at your views and your pay. They weren't monetizing some of the content. And I was like, man, it's really hard to even know what your paycheck is going to be. So if we had a steady rate, then I could look at it and be like, this month's paycheck is going to be X. Oh, I remember those PDFs they sent us. Yeah. Yeah.

That was your doing. Yeah. So they improved the way that people got paid. It became monthly and it became more directly tied into your views. So you could look at your views and calculate really closely what your pay was going to be. And they, like, that was, like, as we're in there talking about that, I'm looking at me as Benedict Arnold. Like, I'm awful. And I was like, I didn't think I was so bad.

They seemed like. What do you put it this way? You were doing the Lord's work. They were all. And, like, I know OpticJay really well, actually. He's a good friend of mine. what do you put it this way you were doing the lord's work uh they were all and like i know optic jay really well actually he's a good friend of mine but it's one of those things where like he came into to uh my office a long time ago and was like we're improving the partner program we're gonna make it so much better everyone's gonna like us more and more and then he ended up leaving

machinima um well yeah yeah so uh either way i think what you were doing was correct because uh there were a lot of people at Machinima that were not doing the right thing. So I'm glad that you did those things. I'm glad all of you guys put up with the partner managers there. Why didn't they take my videos out of the Dropbox? Let's relitigate that one. I forgot about that.

Anthony! Sure! You take that fucking video out of the Dropbox, you upload it to Respawn right now. Tucker, you're going to have to wait. We have another Junkyard Quickie to prioritize. Hey, Ken Burton here making some more retarded 30 second content.

I don't know what the fuck he sounded like. Oh my god, I forgot all about that. I feel so bad for all of you guys because you're on that side of it and they were all, like I said, they were all really good friends of mine, I've known for years. And there were a few people at the very, very top

of Machinima that were making real bad decisions. And we all knew it. The debilvoir. We all knew it. So it was one of those things where we wanted... Kyle, you all right? I always felt bad for all the partners because you guys had to deal with it.

And eventually that's why we left, just so you know. Too much snow. It's snowing in Atlanta? because you guys had to deal with it. And eventually that's why we left, just so you know. Too much snow. Too much snow. It's snowing in Atlanta. You just got out of prison, Kyle. You can't go back. Yeah, you did just get out of prison. It would have been interesting if Machinima gave us visibility

into what they were earning. Like when you work with a normal agent, they usually tell you like, look, I take 20%, I take 5%, you know, whatever. And you guys are kind of on the same team motivated to make that percentage of something as big as possible with machinima that that didn't exist you didn't know what they were taking it just seemed like they were getting mucho rich and we weren't and you know it if we if they were just sort of open and honest with their accounting that would have gone a long way oh absolutely and it was they they really uh mean, that's why they're

out of business now. Yeah, I was going to say, I was like, if they were open and honest with a lot of things, I think they would still be here. And they were not getting mucho rich, just so you know. So they didn't even get a nice payday? Well, their expenses were high. When did you leave Machinima?

Oh, I left at the beginning of 2015 So like the very end of 2014 Is when we started thinking about leaving Okay so a long time ago Were there any I mean I know a lot of those guys Your buddies you have to sell them down the river were there any times Like shit was going Down there or behaviors that you witnessed

And you're like ah this ship is Sinking All the time literally all the time. Literally all the time. And that's why we all stuck together. It was one of those things where, and again, generally speaking, the people at Machinima, for the most part, the people that I knew and worked with to get side by side were great.

And it was just the decisions above them. And this is the same, not to go off on a tangent, but this is the same thing that I've seen all across my entire career in the gaming industry, is everywhere I go in the gaming industry, it's like the people at my level that are like doing the work and actually are the people that love this shit are so fucking awesome. They're great people.

It's right above them that they don't know what the fuck is going on. And then they think they know what's going on. And that's the worst part of it. So I just don't get it. Sorry about the motorcycle. There's a giant motorcycle. Is that what that was? It sounded like a monster roaring. He's got a giant motorcycle. Is that what that was? It sounded like a monster roaring.

He's got a giant cock and I tell him every day. I tell him every night. I don't know if that's the common thread everywhere I've been is that the people above, the people that do the work are enforcing these terrible policies. Yeah. You're like the

hardworking middle class and they're like the bougie champagne caviar the place to be in this business is agent right like like most people okay i'm interested in your thoughts but the way my head is wired is this all these top guys come and go right they all have curves right at some point shroud who I guess is king of the game right now, will either not want to be king of the game or people will find a new toy to play with. The same thing is, who's the ninja is what I'm thinking of, right? You can't ego ninja like that. Who's that guy?

Ego? It's not ego. I'm not his demo, dude. So ninja is hugely valuable. but at some point like he might not even be motivated by money anymore he might be like i have freaking 30 million why am i subjecting myself to online comments every day right but if you're agents if you're the agent and you're taking whatever 5 10 20 of this that you just get to roll from winner to winner to winner and collect money in perpetuity that's

yeah i mean like in in a perfect world yeah you know your agents have to continuously prove that they are worth you know somebody else getting picked up so if they don't do a good job then like now you're left with a bunch of like okay clients and then you know the often not talked about section is that your agent or manager depending on the situation is responsible for the shit that you make right like your your cleanup right so if you fuck up guess who's dealing with it it's not me it's the agency so you know like putting people in that position is definitely makes makes it i guess a little bit like evens the scales i would love to collect checks in perpetuity and you know negotiate for

people and then not have to travel anywhere and then you just get a percentage but like at least in terms of the people that represent me like they represent six or seven people each and each one of those person is a small small like group of the pie so there's like you know it's just like a different angle to make money but it's still like a lot of fucking work i think like marketing would be the the easiest part not the easiest but like the least stressful yeah because there's no impact on them like if somebody markets tucker or me and they go hey these guys are gonna do this thing and then we go in and fuck up because of some other mistake or whatever we are the ones on trial yeah not the marketers the marketing team are like well we did our research and we got some good clients like we'll not hire them again and everybody's like all right roll them up next one

you know like i'm sorry i didn't know you wouldn't want to intro david duke he's got a lot of fans in west virginia and i thought mistakes yeah yeah exactly there's also another another whole uh not to get this i don't want this to turn into the business podcast but the the it's one of those things where if an agent is like you said collecting checks in perpetuity eventually as they're fucking people over along the way eventually all of us are going to go don't ever work with this person and so as we stay in the industry longer they're going to burn all their bridges and they're going to be gone except it's not oh that wasn't where my head was like i wasn't in my hypothetical agency career i'm not fucking

anyone over uh like he's making way more money than he would have without me right hopefully i'm good at this job and i'm bringing him papa john's or whatever uh tucker what was the one you fucked up mcdonald's right right so so so mcdonald's yeah yeah tucker what happened with that oh man dude at the at the uh at the i'm i'm going to try and and be as plain as possible at the risk of like not as exacerbating an already awful situation but um i i was trying so i was doing a sponsored integration with three specific people with twitch uber eats and mcdonald's all at the same time. And I was ordering McDonald's and a year ago for their 50th anniversary of Big Macs, they had sent me a hundred redeemable, like, like fake gilded Big Mac coins in a box. And I was like, perfect opportunity to just be like, see, you know, I've worked with McDonald's. I've always

want to work with McDonald's. Like I'm a fan. i still got these from a year ago i brought it in and just like you know like a freudian slip like calling your teacher mom i was like mcdonald's sent me a box of 50 whopper coins oh no no no really this was literally as they were pushing me to front page and shit and like i didn't even like realize it so i said it i said it i was like yeah like it was just super awesome them you can redeem these for whoppers anywhere and then i double down tucker i heard what my i said and i was like oh jesus okay clearly missed mistake whatever i like put it back to the star stream re-intro like it like as a joke and then you know kept going on and then the other part which you know this is so dumb uh i was playing super smash brothers and i main a character rob you know this this this little

nintendo dude yeah right he has a red skin the entirety of the time that i've been playing rob that's referred to as red robin red robin which i've never been to is apparently a competitive burger chain for McDonald's. So I said that fucking thing too. And they were livid because apparently unbeknownst to me, I was the front man for the entire like campaign that McDonald's was going to launch with Twitch. I was like the first one to do it. So understandably,

like everybody's just screaming at each other. And my dumb ass is sitting here like, yeah, I've done hundreds of sponsors, like hundreds. And I've not ever had a negative comment from any company. Right. And this is the one that I went and fucked up twice, even though like, you know, definitely I understand there was no like malice. I wasn't trying to meme. It was like very clearly a miss miss spoken thing. But like at the end of the day it's business it's business business

so looking for a performance they didn't get right right so i told so i i told this it gets worse because i told oh my god uh i got this what's left this is ronald mcdonald for the rest of the year so then i was like man this whole thing's going in and out so i as soon as i heard that they were like they were understandably livid i was like hey like let me know what i can do to rectify the issue like let me do some pro bono streams like i'll do a you know uh some tweets for you guys like i just want to make sure that you like if you don't want to work with me ever again fine but let's at least get this to a neutral like you rectify the issue that you've created kind of thing yeah so still haven't heard back on the plausibility of that oh i can picture the marketing guy who was

like who initially gave the proposal like his marketing deck being like and this is why tucker aka jericho is a perfect launching point for us he does this he does that here's examples of his sponsored spots in the past and then like the next as he's watching that guy was sweating bullets that guy was shitting his pants when you said whoppers and then when you started calling a character red robin i guarantee if that guy were me i'd be like he's trolling us son of a and i get that's why like i when i got told that red robin was a burger chain i looked at my phone and i was like oh yeah i guess this kind of all makes sense huh like all this like punitive like all the punishments and stuff so um long story short they um i told this

story just to like clarify why maybe there wouldn't be a lot of sponsored work coming through in the next couple months you know because i'm i'm putting the doghouse and this fucking tmz shit ass company that i'm not going to mention the name because i hate them i won't give them press this shit ass like gaming tmz thing writes this entire fucking article right up detailing exactly how i messed up in all the situations and that gets pushed that gets pushed to the front of everybody's Reddit pages. Livestream fails puts it up on the top of that. What's the name of that outlet? I want to read it.

Tucker, my mom sent me the link. It's just like everybody... Then I had to explain like, no, I didn't go to them for comment. This trash site was just like writing on my behalf and just exacerbating the, like pouring salt in the wound. I was,

I'm sorry. I'm just like, we're just trying to move past it and do what we can. But like, yeah, last week, two weeks ago. So funny.

So that wasn't, that was a complicated example, but the whole, like your agent didn't do you wrong. You were probably happy to get that deal. No, he's the one that fucked up. No,

no, we were talking about agents being evil and ruining their name. Like no agents can do good work. The whole like your agent didn't do you wrong you were probably happy to get that deal Agents being evil and ruining their name like no agents can do good work client ruining an agent yes Where that man's walking with a cardboard box in his arms My poor agents I love of it like they do such good work for me and i just they like i got a call and i looked at it and i was like this is the group phone number like the one where like like both of my agents are calling together and i was like why are both my agents calling me at

the same time because usually it's like big deal or i've never had a bad slip up and so i answer and they just go hey man and i was like oh no i immediately knew it was about the mistake the fucking fuck up but you only knew of the whopper side of it when they called yeah yeah they they explained the other half of it and i was like i'm so sorry guys like you like you really don't need to be like spending extra time doing like an apology tour you know like usually that's something i'm comfortable handling so i went out reach out to twitch and like the whole sales team everybody i knew and i was like i'm so sorry guys like i put you in a bad position but my agents are the one

that have to deal with like the mcdonald's legal teams and all that stuff so i bet they don't have them big of a legal team yeah yeah they put all the money right back into the product oh my god see what you need to do uh who was that guy who for the longest time was like that punchable big glass goober who was like i i get all i get service everywhere with sprint and then they fired him and he's like actually i'm a t-mobile man now and like verizon or something right yeah not very good ads if i can't recall either company but that's what you need to do get in touch with burger king be like i love the whoppers so much i couldn't get him out of my mind even though being paid by your biggest competitor no because that's i i fucking you know what i like i've said i you know what no

i'm not gonna i'm trying to help you don't don't don't there is a i'm trying to help the show we're recording this you know this is gonna be like no there was a um there was a uh a wendy's um tweet that i saw wendy's is making a a an rpg game where you can fight ronald mcdonald and i was like and i was like look if mcdonald's never wants to work with me again i'll be sad because they're my preferred fast food chain outside of chick-fil-A and Bojangles, but Wendy's... I'm sure they're very honored to be number three. And five guys getting a prize, but they're not really fast food. You've never even been to Red Robin. That'd rock your world.

Oh, God. I can't believe that going on this show was not the thing that ruined my... Give us time, Tucker. A few more appearances. I don't even need you guys oh my god like like imagine if you'd been doing a kfc ad and you just went super racist with it like like that would have been worse like see that's what i like to do in scenarios like imagine how things could have been much much worse than they actually uh i did play the kfc i did like

a little thing with them they had a an anime dating scene where you could date the colonel. I played the shit out of that thing. It was a pretty reasonably funny game. Did you play it before or after the McDonald's fuck up? Before. Look, all I'm saying is Ronald McDonald never took me to his cabin

in the woods and sat by the fire with me and talked about his future. But I would be uncomfortable if he did yeah you know you know tucker tucker just so you know if i ever meet anybody that works i mean like mcdonald's or twitch and there is a there is a like a chance that i'll meet someone that's involved in that campaign i know tucker i've known him for years he's the nicest dude in the world and he would never do any of that shit on purpose so for me that's because this has happened before where I've had to like apologize for other people

and be like yo they didn't mean to blah blah blah I think they know that I'll put in a good word make sure they understand this is incompetence this is negligence it has nothing to do with it it's not negligence it's incompetence and ignorance it is not negligence. It has nothing to do with it. It's not negligence. It's incompetence and ignorance.

It is not negligence. People make mistakes, especially on live streams where they've got to stream for hours and hours a day. That's just one of those things. Imagine working with this show. We put Chiz in a position now and then. It's usually not something we did with the ad, like what Tucker did.

It's like, yeah, we thought the sexual assault game where we guessed the age of his victims was funny. That was funny, and I can't believe that sponsor pulled out. Oh, man. I remember that. Who was it that pulled out? I'm going to say the victim was an 8-year-old female,

and he's a kid he didn't like. No, we didn't tie it into the sponsor. Oh, the sponsor didn't like that that content was a lump. We plugged them in the middle of the sexual assault game, and it was basically, Chiz gave us a bunch of pictures of people who had committed heinous crimes. That was the problem. You just nailed it. The problem was we called it the sexual assault game right in the middle of Me Too.

Yeah. Tucker, I'm not putting in a good word. I am not putting in a good word for them about the sexual assault game. No way. No how. There's nobody that needs to, like, they still somehow managed to wrangle some sponsors in here,

you know? I think we're good, all right? As long as we're next to that kind of content, we're good. But you're right. The naming, not good. It does sometimes segue. Speaking of porn sites,

let us introduce our sponsor, Squarespace. Yeah, but that's a good organic, you know. I'm sure they like it. I'm sure they do. I wonder if they have terms of service about that. Last time we were talking, you talked about, like, fucking people super hard on Casper mattresses, and I was like, hey.

Yeah, with your rock-hard dick. Wow. With your rock-hard blue-chew cock, you know. That's right. See, they like that. They love that. Yeah, the sexual assault game was basically, we found this, we had this list of sex offenders,

and you had their mugshot and their age and a few other facts, and just by looking at the guy's face, we would take a guess as to what his victim might have been. Was it an 8-year-old girl? Was it a 16-year-old boy? You know, what does this creep get into? Yeah, exactly. Oh, yeah.

Was it rape? Was it like fondling? Some sort of molestation? Child pornography? Much harder game than you would think. It is a really tough game. But do you not remember when we did Pentagon, which is a thing that I actively still do, which is you're just guessing based off of the biography

of the person and the release date what they're in for. It's similar to that last time you were on. It's just we went too far. So you gotta walk the line. You guys were like both feet in there.

You were a little far on that one. both feet in there yeah you were i'm gonna say you were you were a little far on that i would i probably would have told you that i i'm not gonna play oh you know i'm not gonna play that game i'll stay out of that one i'll stay that one for now it was like clue though it would be like hmm he molested a 20 year old in a sorority house in michigan it's like nope nope, totally wrong. Yeah. And then at least they took longer to drop than the 100% food debacle. That was funny. I still show that to people. Yeah, where we just made fun of their

product to their face because they put in the ad copy, give us your honest opinion. That was a huge mistake. Big mistake. Is this that shit that was the cement that you guys kept the ad? You send us a product, in parentheses at the bottom it should say, lie through your fucking teeth. Because they said, tell us

the truth. We want the real, real opinion. And we're like... Yeah, but they were winking. They want your real opinion if you like it. You'll lose weight. You're not going to finish the bottle. On their website.

No, there's too many nutrients. On their website, they had quotes from, it might have been Rooster Teeth, but don't quote me on that. And it was like, you know, mostly edible. And like, I was able to muscle it down. And I was like, ah, so they roll with the punches. Yeah, I get it. And then we just took that times a hundred

and then I said this shit's like quick crete and they I was on for this show I remember this was anybody sponsored this show at all I'm surprised you guys we move product god damn it alright the sponsors are richly rewarded absolutely

yes they are and you know the the real issue is sometimes a sponsor will come to us who is just like it's like really why would you want to advertise your quick create diet drink with us that's that's not something we're going to be comfortable even they got this young young guy fresh out of like marketing school from like itt tech and he's like i've got it guys the internet yeah like like the sponsors that we've got currently you know the 12 or so like we genuinely believe in those products and generally use them like i i just got a brand new castor mattress i'm about to like throw it in the guest bedroom you know like blue chew i got a drawer full ofper mattress. I'm about to throw it in the guest bedroom. I'm like, Blue Chew? I got a drawer full of that shit.

A lot of our products, I'm very big fan of. You got to start taking more at a time. Run through that backlog. Four or five at a time. Oh my God. So when I went to prison, right before I went in, it was time to renew my Blue Chew

and I get like 28 tablets a month. It's like $90 or something like that. It's a huge supply. It's one a day. My gosh. It gives you boners? It's not just boners. It gives you the best boners. It gives you like...

Your cock can cut diamonds. It's a performance enhancing drug for this. Yes, and it's legit. It comes with an online doctor of some kind. And Kyle gets the most they're legally allowed to send you. I do. And so then I have to go to a real doctor and get even more. It's a whole thing.

What a funny joke, Kyle. But we always read the requirements. Yeah, read the requirements. Don't overdose. But I can do whatever I want. You can't overdose. You probably requirements. Don't overdose, but I can do whatever I want. You can't overdose. You probably could. Don't do it. It sounds like you probably could.

It's like, what happened here? His dick popped like a balloon. It's got that chalk outline with a big, veiny cock. It's just one final spectacular load. We all appreciated it. So, like, I'm about to go in, and it pops up on my email. You know, it's just one final spectacular load we all appreciated it so like i'm about to go in and it pops up on my email you know it's time to you know your new shipment is being prepared and i was

like ah i clickety click and it's like hey do you want to cancel uh cancel your order and i'm like yes i do and it says reason for cancellation i just write going to prison they've had that before though they see that every week but immediately accepted my excuse as soon as i got back out i'd restarted the subscription we're good to go i just didn't want 60 tablets waiting for me when i got out when i already had you got a lot of jerking to catch up on can you imagine taking dick pills so you could beat off? That's so funny. Yeah, imagine. It's such a waste of money. And then you're sitting there yourself like, oh, yeah, look how hard I am.

Fuck, that's a hard dick. Oh, I'm getting even more dick. Man, I'm turning myself on so much. Yeah. There's nothing that turns me on like a big hard dick in my hand oh my gosh welcome to the show bruce less of those you need less of those pills it sounds i don't think anybody's ever been like thank god i've got this flaccid useless cock it's like yeah actually that's not sure there are many times that i'm really happy that i'm not hard and usually it's like public speaking or i'm standing in front of a crowd you need to learn to assert your dominance i mean i'm always wrapped in meetings have you

never watched conor mcgregor at a weigh-in here's here's a little would you rather would you rather that so like like 50 of the time you your your penis would not get hard when you wanted it hard or 50 of the time your penis would get hard when you absolutely did not want it hard we're talking grandma's funeral would get hard every time would get hard every single yeah yeah i'd get every single time i could waistband that yeah exactly in real in real life for the first five years of puberty. Yeah, we all learned coping techniques in puberty. We're talking testicular examination with your 70-year-old proctologist.

Hard as a rock. You think he's never gotten somebody just rock hard when you walk in there? No, God, Eric. It took me a second to realize you said proctologist and not urologist oh he's working he's getting me hard through the butt yeah he's still going for that yeah yeah those are any dipping with your uncle i just would never put myself in a position where that would be occurring that's just family bonding just you and your uncle at his cabin, just the two of you.

He's got a whole candy dish. Oh, it could be worse. You know, Tucker and a couple of his nieces just gaming together. Yeah. That would be worse. But you could hide it, see? You could hide it.

So I would definitely get the boner too often thing. When was the last time? You know, I remember being in middle school and just sitting in class, and you're not even horny, and you're learning about Mesopotamia, and you just get a rager. Oh, yeah, the fertile crescent.

This is, ooh, yeah, fertilize your crescent, bitch. When the entire world is crammed together, I love it, Pangea. Oh, I'm about to bust that Nefertiti statue. I remember in health class, we were learning about girls and they take this like model it was a projector right so they take the model and they project it on the wall and this is what a girl looks like almost like a cutaway and like we're looking at it for a couple minutes and they're like you know this is the whatever in

the top and the bottom pussy yeah right this is the right. This is the pussy. That's what they call it. Hey, there's no pussy right here. Right here, that's the ass. Anyway, no one noticed, but like two, three minutes in, someone shouts out, hey, it's got a dick in it. And sure enough, there's a dick like two inches into the vagina. And that's when I got heartbroken. Lucky that guy. That's hilarious.

They took a cross-section? Yeah. Let me get this straight. They showed a cross-section of a woman that was supposed to show you anatomy and then immediately put a penis inside it? It was a projector, so there was a dick in it. But somehow, like, I didn't really know. A lot of people didn't notice that there was a dick in it. And then once it was pointed out, I was like, right, yeah, a couple inches into the vagina.

It didn't go all the way up, but there's penetration. They need to show a ball of Steve. Show happens, you know? That's right. That's right. Put another one in the butt if I learned anything from Paul. Oh, yeah. That's terrible. They only show the women's anatomy and they only show it in the context of a man's penis inside it. Yes.

That is terrible. Here's the female human in her natural state. They call it deep peeing. Oh my gosh. I need Attenborough on that one. They call it deep peeing.

If we zoom out to the mouth, watertight carry on watertight i don't think i've ever heard sorry to both our females his mom really does watch yeah yeah his mom really does watch yeah yeah you raised me this is partly your fault every once in a while someone i come into contact with like in my real life will be like i know you i've heard you do that podcast thing where do i find it and i always have to be like oh you just kind of ease away but right don't worry about anyway the boner thing we're talking about, like sitting in eighth grade and like,

I remember not, you don't want to ask your parents or doctor about your boners. And so you're just sitting there. My mentality was like, oh my God, this is life now. As the rest of my life, I'm just going to be getting rock hard all the time when I don't want to. And for years that stopped, you know,

after you kind of get used to having a boner, you know, after like high school or to having a boner you know after like high school or whatever and then just like a couple weeks ago i was sitting in a meeting not horny at all like looking at an excel sheet and i just got so fucking hard for no reason god damn it look at those profit margins you got a bon foreign boner. It's like, oh, this is a profit. Look at our margins on these products. Yeah. It reminds you how shitty that was.

Yeah. I don't know how we made it through high school. I want to go back and say mine never stopped. Like after high school, it didn't stop. It was just constant. You still just get random boners? Yeah, I still. Oh, I'm like, I'm fucking. I'm hard right now. I get random boners yeah i still oh i'm like and i'm i'm fucking i'm all right now

yeah i get random ejaculations just me what that's just that's just that's just you i'm also a hands-free guy i just watch and will myself to come it's not a sin if you don't touch it that's right i remember like that for a while you know because i was like went to religious school growing up like i would like i didn't know what edging was but i would like edge myself and then be like ah didn't bust god you got nothing on me but by the end of every single one it was like but i'm also 13 and i got it i gotta finish but for the the actual process it was like oh god you son of a bitch you you didn't even know i didn't come where you probably did because you watched me all the time you're all your omniscient you know yeah yeah i

didn't care for that that santa claus and god watch you come yeah he watches you every single time every time you're's when you're sleeping. And you're an FBI agent now, so you've got three dudes looking at you. You know there are actual FBI agents out there who are having to track those crazy out there forums for ridiculous fringe ideas. And you know at least a handful of those FBI agents because they're looking at it all day are like

you know these guys make a lot of sense they're like they're not far off on this. Hey honey have you ever heard of watertight? Oh man you know that all the FBI agents right now are all watching us through the webcam even though this is being recorded it's not possible for me

why is that not possible? I was actually just realizing we're on a Discord call. I don't have a webcam. It's DSLR, so I just turn it off. You can't watch me when I'm masturbating now. That's clever. I use something a little cheaper, a piece of tape.

Band-Aid. You want a Band-Aid. Wait, I think Tucker thinks that they can't turn it on. They can absolutely turn it on. It's a physical switch. I'm just telling you, look, I'm just telling you, you don't know what they've built into that camera. They can turn it on,

Tucker. They just have to enter the room. I'm pretty sure they can turn it on. If it's connected to your computer, I'm pretty sure they can turn it on. Dude, if they can kill JFK and get away with it... It's a... Tucker, all I'm pretty sure they can turn it on. Dude, if they can kill JFK and get away with it? It's a... Tucker, all I'm saying is put a piece of tape in front of your camera.

Have you ever seen a cell phone camera? Taylor, you're going to have to take a bandage and put it across the front. It's like a 40mm lens. Like for when you skin your knee. There you go. That'll do. Yeah, that's it. That's the way. You really don't think that they have cloth-penetrating technology? They do it on 4chan.

Just fuck it. Just look at my penis, yo. Watch me jerk it. Jericho, also, they're listening to you on your phone all the time. Literally all the time. They know when you're masturbating because they can hear you grunting. I just walk around and go, Hey, I know you're listening to me, son of a bitch you better enjoy this i wonder where the truth is

on the phone like are they recording every word are they oh hell yeah they listening they are yes everything how do you know because they released recordings of the fact that they have like there are people combing through this data every single day for all they've got a we have a computer program that listens for certain words Yes, things like dirty bomb dirty bomb This guy's on again, he's talking about child molestation and The guy from McDonald's ad. He's there too.

Oh yeah, that McDonald's guy stepped into it. He's in there in his clown shoes. Don't worry. Don't worry, Ronald. I'm on it. No one crossed. I was thinking how funny it would be

to buy a Ronald McDonald costume for this Halloween and just be like, I'm the Joker. It's just totally wrong. Have you guys seen The Joker? No. I'll watch it when it comes out on DVD.

It's really, really good. You're going to wait. Yeah, so here's my thing. I see very few movies, and it's not necessarily because I don't like going to the movies. I actually do. It's just that going to a movie is like a whole multi, like three hour long process.

And I have to leave and do all this stuff. So if the movie is going to be great and I have to see it in theaters, like Dunkirk or, you know, something that like it's going to add to the experience. Fine. Avengers. Yeah. Yeah.

But a large portion of the movies that I'm, that I'd like to see, I'd rather just watch at home on my giant fucking TV underneath of a blanket with nobody talking to me i hate it when people you know i mean like i'd rather just not spend also movies are expensive here it's like at minimum 20 bucks just for the ticket and then spend nine dollars for popcorn and nine dollars for a beer 18 fucking dollars 18 for popcorn it's going for i would smuggle it in at that price. That's criminal. No, you have to get, that's the whole point of going to the movies is to get the movie theater popcorn.

I can't buy that flavored salt in the store. I don't care. It doesn't taste as good. It's not the same. I need the obesity bucket that I'm going to refill and eat stale popcorn for like three weeks after the fact. I always get a girl to smuggle food in in her purse you know i'm like hey hey bring the big purse we're going we're going to the movie and uh and like so like right before we go in the movies i'm like we're not fucking around here i don't want a

bag of doritos in there we're going to chipotle we're going to hell yeah yeah when you're when you get in the in your movie seat and you look over and some jackass has his $20 bottle of popcorn and you pull out that three pound chicken burrito and just look at him like, yeah, that's right, bitch. You know what it is? That's why I exclusively date female

hockey goalies. So they roll in that giant fucking bag and they can hold two corpses and we get all kinds of popcorn and beer and let you walk right in oh yeah they let you they just let you do it no i mean look those um the movie theaters that i actually really love are the uh the like dine-in ones with the recliner seats and like you can't even touch the stranger next to you because they're so far away you know and it's like they they bring drinks during the movie type shit. Those are nice. Those are fun. I like those.

I thought we had a nice movie theater because we have good seats that recline in their wine and stuff. But now I'm hearing about like seat delivery and just like improvements over what we have. What are you? You don't have any of that stuff. We just have the nice seats and they're no, you definitely do. You must have.

I definitely do. I guarantee there's one in the raleigh durham area be you know like one of i think it's like ipix or something like that i think is often a top oh it's the same way yeah yeah those are both great it's one it's one of those things where the first time you go it's gonna like it's gonna blow your mind you're gonna be like oh shit like this this whole thing can be actual dinner and a movie. It can be a date. I know you guys sound really romantic when you're

smuggling in Chipotle burritos and purses, but you can actually take somebody on a date at those theaters and they'll bring you drinks and the whole deal. It's awesome. It's fucking awesome. Yeah, they've got an Alamo in Raleigh. I'm looking at it now. The one I was at when I saw Joker had a recliner and

heated seats. I'd had the recliner in the delivery. I never had heated seats before. And I wasn't even cold, but I'm like, I'm not. I paid for this ticket. I'm not going to not use the heated seats. Where we are, the AC is so rocking that people bring blankets.

And it looks a little low rent, but I envy the blankets the whole time. I think I'm going to, I might go that way. Yeah. I've just never been that, you know,

like there's been some cold movie theaters. I don't, I think he didn't see is actually a pretty reasonable idea. You know, I'm, I'm never too warm in a movie theater, but I've definitely been a little too cold. So that's true.

Looking back on it, like how did I used to sit in those old shitty ass theater seats where your but I've definitely been a little too cold. That's true. Looking back on it, how did I used to sit in those old, shitty-ass theater seats where your feet are on the ground like a poor... Like a poor. What are you? Dude, all of the major premieres, so the last Star Wars movie,

I did this whole campaign with Star Wars, and they're like, all right, you're going to the premiere. It's at the el capitan theater or like it's at the egyptian theater or whatever those theaters fucking suck they're terrible about the history like they're like nosebleed 90 degree like stairs and you're just like in uh it's like just give me a bench it's awful i hate going to those yeah they're terrible it's weird because the old theaters if you guys remember like if you went and saw like episode one in theaters or whatever way back in 1999 um you you had to go and sit in a theater where like everybody's so you would be sitting here and the head the person's head was like right here it's like directly in front of your screen and you had to like do this the entire time

i remember that so well but i can't that you mentioned that movie i was in takoa georgia watching that fucking movie in that shitty little tiny movie theater with the sticky floors yeah yeah yeah you lift it like as you stand up from the movie you hear like a walking through and you see the guy coming through with his mop who's just gonna pretend clean in between movies i lost my job as the sign twirler now i do this yeah well i was a marketing guy for mcdonald's i like it yeah living a good life yeah yeah you guys what they need a solution for so big What they need a solution for is when you've got a piss, but you don't want to walk away from a really good movie.

Especially if it's something really plot oriented. They have that. Not the way you're thinking of, though. There's a website that you can go to for a spoiler free, and it'll be like, these are when you can go and pee

without missing any plot or whatever but I know you want like piss in my own seat I want to be able to piss in my own seat yes absolutely you fucking pussy get a condom cath have you seen the golf clubs have you seen the golf clubs you can you can piss in I've seen the

catheter golf club so there are golf clubs so like basically if you're like out on the golf course you could just you just unscrew the top of it and then piss in it and then dump it out wherever. And then screw it back in, play, play around a golf or bring the golf club into a movie theater. That's normal.

If you're going to be outside, why not do it on a tree instead of also pulling your penis out and doing it into your nine iron? It's called the Euro club, portable urinal. There it is. See, I need a bucket of popcorn that does the same thing. Could you find that for me?

Oh, actually, you could just do that. Oh, that's so funny. That's just a cloth. Oh, God. Look, he's got it. He's pissing in it right there. Yeah, no, I know. Kyle, you know what?

You could finish your popcorn and piss in that bucket. Why not? No, then how are you going to get your free refill it would never feel all right all right just eat off the top i don't need another bucket because i pissed in the other one i don't know why i assume that the top of this golf club had to be like airtight i'm like i guess they put like a fleshlight at the top of it and you just piss into that. It's like, what, you've made this way more complicated. You thought there was going to be a vagina that you inserted your penis

into at the top of the golf club. You disgusting male. Why would they ever have that? Why would it feel good to piss into a golf club? It shouldn't. You shouldn't want to do this. It's going to be a very shameful time. Do you ever have to pee on the golf course or kind of want to fuck?

Yeah, what if I'm horny on the golf course? Where's my club for that? I need a fleshlight variety. Just beating off under your towel. Can we just play through? I'm almost done. The sooner you stop talking, the sooner you can...

You played so much faster when you were younger. Yeah, the move for that, which is what Kyle's talking about, is you should be able to buy, like via theaters, like 10 bucks, but it's just a condom catheter that you roll on your dick and it's got like a tube that goes down

into like a one liter container or something. And then you just pop that on at the beginning of the movie and then when you have to pee, just release. Maybe I'm just not thinking about this right, but isn't it exponentially more

difficult to roll a condom on your flaccid dick? No, no, no. Am I just stuffing it in there? No, you have to be hard at the beginning of the movie which should be easy because you're so excited to see the film. You roll it on. I heard there's a lot of killing in this one.

I got to go. My blue chew. I can just pop this catheter on. Honey, this is Toy Story 4. Don't kick shame me. Violent. Bo peep, though. It buzzes jawline.

Fuck. Yeah. Has anybody here actually had a catheter? Has anybody had a catheter? No. Thank God. It seems terrible. It's's a nightmare it is a literal nightmare yeah it is my greatest fear were you conscious when they put it in i was not conscious when they put it in but i was conscious when they pulled it out apparently putting it in yeah and so kyle's right so that's what they they do the nurse trick which is they go all right we're gonna take out your catheter

and i was kind of like i'm working the time i was coming out of surgery and and i was like i was like what do you mean because i didn't know that they'd put it in um and and they're like oh we're gonna it's a catheter it's inside you so you can piss and i was like oh and then i like literally snapped into consciousness realized there was something inside my penis and i was like oh no and i was like okay all right well what so like is it gonna hurt and she's like no no it's not gonna hurt at all uh well she was wrong and uh and and she's like all right. Well, what? So like, is it going to hurt? And she's like, no, no, it's not gonna hurt at all. Well, she was wrong. And she's like, all right, we're gonna, we're gonna count to three and then we're just going to yank it right out. It's going to be a really

fast. You got it. And she goes one, two, and then pulls it out like that on two because I wasn't expecting it. Right. She's starting a chainsaw. Was it really that fast? It was a long way. She went to it like that. Yeah, no, it was like foot. That's, that fast? It was like piss swinging everywhere.

Is it in a foot? That's what I got from your motion. How deep is it in your... It's in a lot deeper than you think it is. 17 feet. It has to go all the way to your bladder. I picture it in just the first 11 inches of my dick.

Oh, right. But not the other 16. Right, right. I think it goes in, from what I know, I'd have to right. Yeah, but not the other 16. Right, right. No, I think it goes in from what I know. I'd have to look it up. They put it all the way in, like up to your bladder, and then there's a little thing that inflates at the tip of it. It's like when she's getting it out.

She's like the guy in Jaws when he clips himself into the seat to reel Jaws in. She's got the big reel. Click, click, click, click, click, click, click. Exactly, exactly. Why'd you have to get it? What kind of procedure were you having? I had jaw surgery way back in 2002. It was to fix a really bad bite in my teeth

and all that other stuff. It was all preventative. It wasn't even like my jaw got broken or anything cool. Jesus. Did you get more handsome from it? I mean, you tell me. What do you think? I need a before picture. Oh, that's true. I don't know that I have a before picture. No, you're pretty cute. I mean, I'd what do you think? I need a before picture oh that's true I don't know that I have a before picture I mean I need it obviously

yeah you know I kind of look like Kyle there that's a little underbite no but did you get more handsome out of it? was it cool? I think I did because before my chin was like basically if you all did this then that cool? I think I did. Because before, my chin was like, basically, if you all did this, then that's what I had. I had the Tucker.

You had a weak chin, right? Is that the term for it? I had a weak chin, but now he's got a strong chin. Is that the medical term? You had a bitch chin. I had a pussy chin. No, no, you're right. It's not as bad now. I still feel like it's too weak.

I feel like it could be stronger. They should have put an implant in there. They actually did. I have fake cheeks and some bone here along my... Yeah, I've got the whole deal. Nice, nice. Yeah. So crossing my fingers,

I never have to have that procedure again. God damn it. Yeah, that's one of my biggest fears. Honestly, it really is the catheter. It's wild. A lot of things... And there are people who are into that that's like yeah cock sounding yes i was gonna say a lot of things don't bother me like you want to get shit in your mouth fine but like the second i see somebody whip out a steel rod i'm like stop yeah yeah like i'm glad you went straight to like like the shit in your mouth because like that's what i think that's where I was going to start, too.

Like, hey, there's people that are into poop, and that's disgusting. But I'm much more open to poop than I am for her. You know the torture implements that the bad guy in James Bond always rolls out? He's got them rolled up in that cloth? Yeah. If a bitch rolls out all of those sounding rods, each larger than the last, and they're measured in gauges or something like oh this is an eight gauge we'll start here honey i'm just no no just shit on me just please shit in my mouth i'll even shit my own mouth whatever it takes just please tub girl it's uh it is not get beat up anything yeah and what happens to your dick hole like

your urethra isn't supposed to get penetrated by shit. Are you just like loosening your dick hole? Yeah. Because I've seen, look, I, I, I like,

I like pornography and, and after a while, the basic stuff gets a little boring. So maybe you, you find some new websites to go to. And sometimes they've just got those thumbnails and, you know, here we are in this,

in the 21st century. So thumbnails move. Now you, you hover over that video, it starts playing. And, and, and you can easily see a woman with some big old shenanigans nails just stick them right into the top. Oh, what the fuck? What videos are you

watching? What are you doing? I just explained! Bruce, I hovered! I hovered! We don't judge on this show. So that's the first... I'm not judging! I'm not judging! I don't know. That would be like a modern-day Seinfeld thing where he's like, I was hovering! I was hovering! I was hovering! I don't watch that That would be like a modern day Seinfeld thing. I was hovering. I was hovering.

I don't watch that. Don't watch that. The most uncomfortable items you can imagine are used for sounding when guys get really into it. Plastic fork. Dude, they should be put in jail. That's scrapey. Yeah, I like that shit.

People like that shit, though. My mind is open to almost anything, but sounding and poop plays, I'm not into it. And I saw a guy stick a, you know the toilet brush that's really bristly? How long are you hovering? We stopped buying the hovering thing as soon as you said it. Kyle's sitting there with his blue shoes like, man, this is gross. Kyle's sitting there with his blue shoes like, man, this is gross.

I'm just hovering. I'm just hovering, Lord. This is the worst thing I've seen all day. For the record, Santa Claus, I only hovered. I saw the guy take one of those really stiff toilet brushes, you know, and fuck a girl with it. But wait, this is like, you know, it's like three inch diameter, four inch diameter. It's almost the size of a roll of toilet paper. Of course, if you were to grab it and squeeze it, it's bristly and the bristles go down.

We're on the same page. But still, I imagine, and I started thinking like, what if your pussy was real itchy though? I bet that'd feel great. And then I was like, no, I wouldn't. Kyle, you got to stop going to bigholes.com. That's it. You're like a pipe cleaner down there. That's right, Kyle.

Excuse me, it's blownoutbitches.biz. Blownoutbitches.biz. Triple B. You're not familiar with watertight.info? Holy shit. Man, I... A full-size toilet brush, you say? I mean, here you go.

You know I got it. No, I believe you. Please don't put it in the Discord. That's where it goes. If it exists, I'm just curious. I would rest easier knowing... He's only hovering. The best part is this young lady appears to be

young and attractive, too, and she's doing this to herself. Just imagine her upbringing. Flashing public with toilet brush and pussy. What happened in her life? She is young, attractive, and fit. She's got this whole... She has a beautiful body. I'm five seconds in and we're already going. Ah! Oh, and she's got this whole and and she has a beautiful body i'm five seconds in and we're

already going ah wait all right oh and she's just you're right she's not guys this is not what i would have pegged her to do you you all know you all know that anything you can think of is is gonna be on the internet you know it tyler i mean don't look don't look this woman is walking around with a two-foot toilet brush handle like it was a butt plug like she's just trying to get away with it yeah what's up look at all of the related videos there's uh there's a what looks like a whisk um there's a there's one in her ass there's a whisk it's a whisk there's there's so many of these and they're all foreign this this person has put no less than an entire 24-pack of Crayola crayons in her vagina. I need to see that. I also love that the top review of this is, wow, this video's editing sucks.

I got a honey review. This woman is literally beautiful that has the toilet brush in her, and she's walking around, I don't know where she is some like a tuscan village look at the categories it says check where she is is beautiful it looks like it's um game it's like the france riviera is that what i'm looking for yeah the french riviera like she's in like some sort of old cobblestone street with Go save her. If you get to the end, I think I've been here. This can't be. I think that's my toilet brush. No, I swear.

Jackie, get in here. I wish I could show this to my mom and be like, isn't that where we went? Oh, I've seen it. We call that cleaning the bowl. Oh, is this Czech Republic? Yes, I said seen it. We call back cleaning the bowl. Oh, is this Czech Republic? Yes, I said it 400 times.

It's not the Czech Republic. It's Czechia now. They've changed the name for the 19th time. It's Czechia? I haven't been there, and I thought it was Italy, I think, is where I'm mixing it up with. It looks so much like this. We have strayed so far from home. I think I've stood on this.

We are not standing in the Lord's light. Santa's not getting me shit. So many views on these. Toilet brushes. Add to favorites. Come back to this later.

This one has 400,000. 400? I gotta get into this business. That's pretty legit. That one has 344,178. CPM sucks though. I wonder how many views the most recent Spider-Man has. You mean like asses in the seats?

At least 10,000. It's low. The attendance in movie theaters, even globally, like on a billion dollar movie, is low compared to a big YouTube video. That's why the tickets are $20 a pop.

Of course. I know that that one, I looked at it recently, I think it did $890 million in sales. Hold on. I'm going to do the math here. I'm going to figure it out. What do you want to use as a ticket? If you have

$800 million and it was $20 a ticket, then your 40 million people saw it. Oh, that's a big number. It's like $13 million. I'm sorry, $13 probably on average for a ticket across the whole US. I wish I could find

asses in seats. How much it's making doesn't account for the fact that like are we doing views or are we doing uniques you know if somebody's i know somebody had seen a movie like 13 times in theaters sure yeah yeah you know it's like i just sometimes wonder how a blockbuster compares to a blockbuster video to a viral it doesn't it doesn't compare big youtuber crushes cinema yeah yeah mr beast gets 10 million views every single video that he uploads right so that would put him realistically around jesus bruce i'm so excited right now jeez i wasn't his arm yeah i feel like you know at least over a course of a month like

he's definitely up there with any triple a yeah yeah i agree with that but but i mean he only gets him for what 15 minutes and spider-man was two hours two hours 10 and it's also paid versus not paid that's a big deal they're super engaged audience they're gonna they're gonna love them versus yeah and of course there's dvd and and streaming and and uh and all that stuff that that's to come but but you know to come. If we're cheating to make ourselves seem more important, which is what we're doing here. Oh, is that what we're doing? I thought we were making ourselves less important.

No, that's all we do here. It's a lot of butts in seats but not nearly as many eyes on screen as a guy who makes fucking Rust videos on YouTube would get. Blueprint gets half a million views a video. Yeah. Is Blueprint a Rust guy? I don't think i know yeah yeah yeah i've been watching a lot of rust since i've been out uh i think i'm going to get back into it i

got to find a partner who wants midi my buddy midi who went he wouldn't got back into the job force uh i don't remember what he's doing ah good for him bad for rust new market yeah right i wonder how much it'd have to pay him for him to quit his job and just play rust with me because that's what i need i need a 24 i need someone who's on call 24 7 right because you can't play rust three hours a day and have any fun i need somebody yeah and available for the rescue right you could be attacked by four guys i don't think it takes four to defend against four but still you know we, you gotta be on when I call you, I need your help.

Yeah. Yeah. I need him to have already been on. There should be no need for a call. He should be, I should be the one getting the call. I need somebody. I need somebody to grind with me.

And, uh, and it's gotta be somebody that I don't mind spending 12 hours a day playing a video game with as well, which, you know, it's a limited group of people. Yeah.

There's, there's, it's just a couple of guys that exist. Let me, let me ask you this though. It's a limited group of people. It's just a couple guys that exist. Let me ask you this, though. Does that guy, will he be able to put a hanger in your penis or no? If asked. That's fine. I just want to make sure.

I just want to make sure. As far as items go, hangers are very small. Wire hanger. Not as bad. Yeah, but smooth. It's pointy. I really feel like a beginner sounding device might be a q-tip oh it's true trial no you got a

little bit wait wait lube it up with some Vaseline mm-hmm and now you got a sounding beginning perfect device right here it's too big at the tip. Unless you guys have some giant-ass urethras. Yeah, Rook. I mean, it used to be small. Oh, no. Kyle. Sir Bench. Sir Bench.

It's not good. I have to get this. I've got tooth jigs. Oh, you guys misunderstood. I'm sorry. I'm not helping. I'm not helping. Ribbed for his pleasure.

We bought those on Amazon, and I'm like, huh. Like, $22, curiously expensive, but whatever. I want it to come. And I show up. There's like 12 pounds of them. Like, we have so many. It's case after case of those things in our house. It's a lifetime supply.

I use them all the time. Big fan. Big fan. I made pot roast yesterday. I went through two or three of those things they're great i used to use those way more often but because now most of my teeth are fake and don't have spaces between them no use don't even have to floss veneers yeah what happened did you get punched in the face no i had the same kind of jaw problem you did where like i ground my teeth so bad that like

i had like 130 years worth of grounding done on my teeth. Like they're all getting flat and I'm only 28. And the dentist was like, we got to build your teeth up like resin and shit and change your bite. Or you can get braces. And I'm like, how much does the resin cost? Because I'm not doing the braces thing. And yeah, so they're not that bad. They're fine.

They chew okay. How long do they last? Did he tell you? I mean, when they start deteriorating i'm gonna have to pay for full veneers but he said like like three or four years i think is like the long oh that's not long you're already a year and it's been like a year and a half right no i i was expecting a double digit number so i'll i'll tell you i had before so i got my front tooth knocked out like pretty much in half uh when i was in when i was seven and so they built it back up with resin like you it should have only lasted like three or four years um that lasted from

when i was seven until three years ago or four years ago i guess so i remember when it came out on stream yeah you took a lot of uh praise on how you handled that like you didn't hide it you didn't get ashamed you're just like the little tooth emerges and well yeah you know and then well it was during a sponsored content uh thing uh and i was front page of twitch too and then like the video did really well so then i sent like some company bought the rights to the video and then they fucking, uh, Terry Cruz had this show called like America's funniest or whatever. And I made it all the way to the finals of that stupid show.

And they were calling me like level 99 nerd, all this stuff by Terry Cruz for like 30 minutes. And then they were like, ah, he doesn't win. Terry dog. I was in prison with Terry Cruz's, Crews' brother-in-law. He's in prison. Wow. Real nice guy. Small world. Do you know what he did?

I didn't get into that. His name is Isaac. Isaac's a real nice guy. His cell was right next to mine. Kyle, that's one of my first questions about prison. I don't want to get into this unless you don't want to talk about it so don't answer oh no it's gonna be a technical topic for some time the reason i want to i want to the first question is do people talk about why they're in there is that a thing that everybody talks they don't talk about they

don't they don't bring it up but but if i got comfortable with somebody i would ask them yeah or if i didn't feel like they were a scary person i would just ask them right away like yeah the the gay guy that's like right next to me one cell on the other side of terry gurz's brother-in-law uh i was like what the fuck you in here for me he's like i was selling a little cocaine and i was like how much is a little a couple ounces i was like oh okay that sucks that'll do it that'll'll do it. How long? Right around two years. Two years? Holy shit. Just for trying to have fun?

Yeah. Well, you know, I got mixed up with those machinima guys. Oh my gosh. Wow. Kyle, you want a prison question? Yeah, sure, sure. You said there were people from atlanta that were way worse there was an atlanta minimum security prison but it was like way more hardcore homeless people what was the scoop with that all right so um they didn't put me in the atlanta camp

i think because they don't want people too close to their homes for whatever reason which seems like bullshit. Cause what if like I was in there for five years and I want to visit my family, but they were six hours away. But, uh, but there were guys who had been transferred to Talladega from Atlanta's

camp and quite a few of them. So I got it from like multiple sources, what that camp was like there and there. And they were like, man, it's wilding out. And I'm like, I'm like,

I'm like, tell me more he's like well shit we got everything in there they we got fucked up though snitches told on us they shut it all down i was like what did you have everything i was like all right what does everything mean we want to go out and party so we get a hobo to come in and sleep in our bed. That way they come through and count. N-word is sleeping in my bed. So it's all good. If you there, they don't care.

And I'm like, what? You can just leave? No, you can't just leave. But they just walk by with a flashlight at night and count bodies. They don't recognize you. Well, how do they get out? I think that they were... I know at one point there wasn't even a fence around that camp. Like some of the camps, like especially in the north, don't have a fence.

We had like that big scary 12-foot fence with the razorware on the top and the bottom and cement. You had that. I thought you didn't. I thought I didn't too. There were a lot of lies about that place online. Like all of the programs that they said that we were going to have, they only exist for the medium security guys. People will transfer to Talladega because they're like, yeah, I want to learn to be a fucking graphic

artist. That'd be cool. I'm out in a year and a half. I need a job that won't discriminate. They're like, oh, that's only for medium security. They're like, shit. Can I go to Pennsylvania? I think they have it. They're like, yeah, yeah. You can transfer in 18 months. Oh, shit.

Until then, we get $93 a day off your ass. Go find a bunk and get a job. Holy shit. This is slavery. So they would leave and actually go party. They would bring girls into the prison, they said, and fuck them sometimes. They would literally bring whores in. And then they had all of the drugs and alcohol. But we had all the, and fuck them sometimes. They would literally bring whores in. Then they had all of the

drugs and alcohol, but we had all the drugs and alcohol too. That's insane. You said you had something and alcohol. You had whores and alcohol? Drugs and alcohol. We had drugs and alcohol. Every drug you can name and alcohol and cigarettes and cell phones. All of that

was everywhere in Talladega. The alcohol, it wasn't like prison-made alcohol. It was professionally-made alcohol. You imported. When I asked about it, they said... I was like, do they have... Because I was reading a Stephen King book where they were talking about making alcohol out of prunes

and raisins in prison. I asked a guy that was near me. I was like, do they do that here? He's like, they don't have to. They got Jim Beam and vodka. They have real alcohol. I was like, how they do that here? He's like, they don't have to. They got Jim Beam and vodka. They have real alcohol. I was like, how much is it? He's like, you want some? I was like, no, no, no. Well, maybe. How much is it?

He's like, $8 a shot. I'm like, fuck that. That's a good deal. That's not bad at all. That's cheaper than here. That's Los Angeles. It's bar prices. Tucker's just getting wasted. At these prices, I can't afford an atchimate.

So yeah, they would explain that you could really just get away with anything there and that it was just rampant with people leaving and going out and partying and their friends would just pick them up on a road that was nearby and take them off to town. They'd go get burgers

and go to a hotel and fuck their girlfriends at the hotel or whatever. I was like, that doesn't sound like here at all. They're like, nah. It sucks here. Oh. What a bummer. You got sent to a sucky prison

we were talking about the workout equipment last week i kind of alluded to it but so we had obviously we had a running track and they had sports you know they had a softball field and they had uh they would play like pickup football actually it was organ it wasn't pickup it was organized flag football with teams one of the team's name was the wood layers. And, uh, yeah, yeah. I had to process. I don't ask.

Don't ask. Don't tell Woody. And so they, uh, they would go out there and they play football, but it was hot as fuck out there. I'm, I couldn't believe they weren't just heat stroking out in that a hundred degree bullshit.

And there was like medicine balls. And, uh, and then there were like, there was like one good elliptical, one decent treadmill and like some shitty ellipticals that had no resistance. Even you were just on this green thing doing this a lot. And then that was it.

And I was like, well shit, what do you do for like, or there was chin up bars and dip bars, but there was no free weights. And I was like, what do they do? And,

and my buddy's like over here, I'll show you. We go out there and these guys have gotten big rocks like the ones that that like retain an area to keep from washing away and they have taken them to the scales and weighed them and written with magic marker what they weigh on them so every rock you look at in the gully says 25.5 32 pounds 16 pounds rocks yeah they're big like the retaining rocks you like put to like keep water from washing a gully away and they would take these uh these bags and fill them up with rocks and they put them on either end of a pipe and they're out there doing bench press and curls with a pipe full of rocks. So why would bags of rocks? Why wouldn't they give them free weights?

Was it because they were worried that they would like hurt each other with them or that's what they would say. If you asked, that's the same reason they said that we didn't have a pool table, but they give us padlocks and socks. So that's bullshit. We've got, we've got big,

long tube socks and we've got padlocks. What's safe about giant rocks. Yeah. Nothing. Right. Yeah. No, let them go play with the

rock pile every morning i'd go out there uh to the track you know like crack a dawn and i'd start my start my start my run and i'd look and here came the same guy with a wagon like a big like uh the kind of wagon you would use around a greenhouse is the only way i know to describe in high school we i remember seeing that was like a big heavy duty wagon full of rocks and he because you got to put them back you can't just leave the rocks up in the workout area like they're real big on cleanliness and neatness and so and and this i was asking my buddy i was like that guy's the rock guy i guess he's like he's like he's lost like 200 pounds when he got here he was like 450 now look at him and i'm like still looks pretty fat to me it's not a good look you could really benefit from the gym that's like you

know not just like rocks and pipes but yeah and then guys would be doing like burpees and, you know, sit ups and push ups and lots of stuff like that. Most people worked out in pairs so you can motivate the other guy. It seemed like that was very common that, you know, you one guy would often know more than the other guy. And like there were a couple of guys in there who were just like specimens. You could tell. Was Snow a specimen like that? No, I would say he was just bulky and strong.

There were some of these guys who were just like Brad Pitt and Troy. Just real ripped up and a tiny, tiny waist and just real symmetrical, good-looking guys who were just out there doing dips all day. That's all I would do if I went to jail.

That's all I would do. What else are you going to do? Six, seven hours a day. Lift rocks. Why not? Call me Fred Flintstone, bitch. Fucking rock in each hand. They would do that too. They'd just have a rock in each hand and they'd be doing all sorts

of like... Those are free weights. I could see myself going either way really like there's there's a version of me that might just hit the gym hard and there's a version of me that might just get a little depressed and sleep and do nothing it's a long day you wake up eventually you need something to do i uh i read a lot i read a lot uh mostly mostly reading that's almost uh exclusively what i did for sure you have access to the internet at all or no not really not really not like the real internet like we had internet

but it did lame things like you could do like a email to text thing so you could text somebody and then they would email you back when they returned the text i didn't really bother with that i just used the phones you got like 15 minute phone calls 300 months a month 300 minutes a month the phone is one of my questions Kyle how did that work like is it a common area on tv sometimes there's people waiting for the phone and if you're on it and I'm a tough guy I might be wanting to boot you like what is the phone like um it's a little room you go into that's not very far from the dorm, just a stone's throw. And you go in there. It's got air conditioning. It's very small. It's about the size of this room I'm in right now. And there's eight phones, I think, in there, maybe 10, just along the walls,

maybe four on this side, four on this side, four on that side, something like that. And you dial the number you want to call. You dial your prison number, which is like a nine-digit number that identifies yourself. And then it asks you to repeat your name back to it at the tone. And the voice recognition sucks dick. So I'd have to make like 10 phone calls in a row. It would take me 15 minutes to make a five-minute phone call because I'm just calling it over and over. I'm like, Kyle Myers. Didn't understand that.

Sorry. Try again. Maybe next time. Nope. Not Didn't understand that. Sorry. Try again. Maybe next time. Nope. Not going to understand you at all. Try again later. I'm like, fuck. Click, click, click, click, and just go again.

But yeah, there's guys in there. It's usually real loud. I try to pick off times to make my phone calls so it's not so goddamn loud in the room because they're real depressing phone calls. Of course. You know? Sometimes it's funny. I remember distinctly one of the early times I was in there,

he's like, yeah, baby, you need a gangster in your life. And I'm thinking like, does she though? He's calling from jail. So is he trying to seduce someone for his self-landing? Yeah. I like his gumption. I mean, for him. I mean, there are women out there who want to fuck Charlie Manson.

There are. There are. And but yeah, it sucked. You got like I said, you got 15 minutes and then the phone starts doing this little countdown bullshit. It gives you these little tones to let you know that any minute now you're running out of time and we're going to hang the fuck up on whoever this is. And unless you're calling locally,

it's expensive. A dollar a minute or something like that. To you? Yeah. I don't even think that's an option because this way the prison gets the money. You're receiving a collect call from, help, I'm being raped.

I don't know, help? I'm being raped i don't know help i'm being raped is that turkish no i think that they that the federal prison system wants to get as much money out of you as they can so like it comes right out of your commissary fund you there's a little process in which you transfer money from commissary fund into your phone fund. One of the problems with prison, like you said, get the money out of you. Most people exit prison, even if they just do two months,

which is a low yet. Most people do more. You do six months in prison, you come out broke. Most people can't like, they don't have a six month emergency fund that they can tap into and they exit and suddenly it's not a problem like renting their

next apartment and such like they leave in dire straits and right that's yeah that's why that's why they put them in the halfway house i think that's one of the main reasons you know um and they can give you like a year of halfway house so and that comes right off your sentence too that's not like an in addition type thing so a lot of those guys like like snow for example he's really trying to get them to give him as much halfway house as possible so and and as much home confinement in addition to that as possible so he can get out like early next year because he's been in there for fucking 10 years whatever the fuck jesus so so basically you just like your your account like let's say you have a savings account you just take your savings account with you to prison and then you're just whittling away at that account or you uh you use like western union you get

somebody on the outside to like wire the money into your prison account um and so uh you know i had plenty of money but you can you ever give a spending limit even in the commissary it's like you can only spend 120 every two weeks or something like that or 180 i think it was something like that did anyone maybe not you but think it was. Something like that. Did anyone... Maybe not you, but did anyone in the prison use other people as their pay pigs? Like, hey, if you want to feel safe, you keep me

rolling in potato chips or something. No, I didn't see anything like that. People were real honest about making promises. Like, hey, hey, could you give me a little bit of this and i'll buy you something for for that like commissary day and they would always like actually make that happen there was a lot of like on commissary day like like each dorm had a

different commissary day so if i don't get to shop until wednesday but it's monday and you get to shop i could be hey man will you get me four bags of chili and some raisin bran and you know that that would happen and then um when it's when it's my turn i will buy him you know 18 for the shit too and that's a pretty common thing that would happen or if you had gambling debts you you could handle those if you didn't if they didn't want max which is the packets of mackerel fish fillets that i talked about they were kind of currency in there if they didn't want that, they could also do commissary credit. Give me your commissary list. I'll put down $6 for the shit

and just bring it to me whenever you go. So the gambling debts, was that like gambling debts from within prison? Oh, wow. Holy shit. Nobody's like loan sharking you from in prison. I know.

Basically, they were shooting dice probably just playing cards or something. Poker, Monopoly, and football. Did you play poker? A little bit, not much. They did like this dealer's choice thing where the dealer got to choose the game. And they played a lot of, how should I put this ghetto games uh that i'm not familiar with um a lot of nonsense games and i like to play texas hold them pretty exclusively that's what i always played when i would you know play for real money and play online and stuff like that

i'm i'm good at that i think i always was and uh i don't know how i didn't know it like like i don't like omaha and and they play a lot lot of different kind of pot limit games. And they just mix it up. So if you've got six guys playing, you might play for half an hour and play one game of Texas Hold'em, which is all I wanted to play. And plus, I didn't know those people very well either. So sometimes there were scary people in the game. And I didn't know.

They might get upset if I win too much. That would be my holdup. I don't want to win a lot. I don't want to lose a lot. I would be my holdup. I don't want to win a lot. I don't want to lose a lot. I don't want to play. I don't want to owe you money, and then suddenly that's a danger. I don't want you owing me money. Then that's another problem in itself.

They were pretty chill about that. I didn't feel like it was going to be a big thing. It was mostly just they weren't. No. There were a lot of people with a good sense of humor. Some guy got his towel stolen one day his towel his bath towel and you you're assigned i think three brown bath towels they're garbage they remind me of the kind of chamois that you'd like dry your car off with

uh and uh like like very not very absorbent real rough and it yeah pretty small and uh if you like got them soaking wet and like wrangling them out brown liquid would come out because they were dyed brown and uh it was pretty gross and i always thought like i bet i'm just like rubbing a little bit of that brown dye on me every time i dry off i'm never actually going to be clean while i'm in here and but you could buy your own towel uh from the commissary and And it was an okay towel. And I think it was sort of a cream color. And it was better. I don't remember what they cost. I didn't bother to buy one. But this guy's towel got stolen one morning. And he starts screaming, God damn it, y'all. Who's going to steal my towel? My motherfucking towel was hung up right motherfucking here. I hope you know I've been drying my balls with that towel.

I've been wiping my asshole with that towel. And now you're going to wipe your face with it. What the fuck is wrong with you? And it goes on like this forever. And everybody's screaming, ain't nobody going to bring your towel back. Let it go. Let it go. They ain't bringing it back.

Not that you done made a big deal. He's like, I ain't making a big deal. Maybe you accidentally grabbed my towel. I hold no ill will toward you, towel man. Please. Please bring me my towel. I'm like, god damn.

You want one of mine? He wanted it so bad. Ten minutes later, he goes, excuse me everyone. A little embarrassing. I found the towel. Sorry about all that. That's pretty cool of him, though.

Did people laugh? Like, how did it go over? Yeah, everybody's laughing their asses off at him. He was all right. He was in my drug class. He sold crack on the outside. Hmm. Entrepreneur. He was working on drug class. He sold crack on the outside. Entrepreneur.

He was working on it. Nice guy. He had gold teeth. He was a successful crack dealer. He had a good sense of humor. Yeah, he really did. You lost over something else. The currency you said that you used in jail. You said it was fish?

Yeah, mackerel fillets in a tear-off pouch. Like you can buy Starkist tuna in those pouches. Is it like – I don't know this pouch. I'm picturing like an Altoids tin. Am I close? No, no. It's a metallic pouch.

It's got a gusseted bottom, so it will stand up. And then the top just – Like a big Capri Sun. Yeah, yeah, sort of like that. If you just Google like tuna pouch, like you'll see it like it's like why don't you use those as currency i i think i don't know but my best guess is that they were one of the more affordable items there were 70 cents a pouch and it's one of the fewer meat items that was on the commissary list and it just seemed like i don't know that that's how

people did it you know they were like ah i'll do this for three Macs. Ah, how many Macs you got? It was always about how many Macs you had. And I was just like, I don't have any Macs because they're fucking disgusting. And I don't want any either. I don't want any. I ate mackerel one time when I was there accidentally. My friend made me this bowl of food. It was like mashed potatoes, rice, and meat with vegetables in it, like peppers and onions. I'm eating it, and I thought it was chicken. I'm like, when was the last time we had chicken?

Four days ago? I mean, he's eating it. He knows best. Especially because it has scales on it. Yeah, like what's all this black connective tissue? I guess that's the bad part of the chicken. But I mean, who am I to choose? Factors can't be choosers, you know?

I eat like three bites of it, and my next-door neighbor goes, you eating tuna? And I'm like, no, I'm eating mackerel. Mackerel is so cheap and shitty. is it's really it's actually really cheap my girlfriend has those pouches they're the starkest pouches that you can you can just get those and eat them but i i would assume it's probably a more generic version of those in prison absolutely i wanted the chili that we had in there it's called it's brushy creek brand chili in a pouch i i loved it it was fucking delicious, and I want to eat it on the outside now.

It was so goddamn good. Oh, wow. It was like $9 a bag to order some or something stupid. I think I found it for $4 a bag, but you had to buy a bunch of it too. And I'm thinking like, it was $2.40 in prison. It was $2.40 in prison. How are you going to charge me $4 a year? It's $4.40 on this website. I was going to charge me $4 a year? It's $4.40 on this website.

I was going to ask that, Kyle. Commissary prices. Let me back up a step. Prison income is very low. You guys are working sometimes. Not you, but the guys are working for less than $1 an hour, I think. $0.08 to $0.20 an hour, somewhere in there, depending on the job. So the prices in commissary, did they scale down at all, or would you find...

Up. Up? Up. Yeah. Things were more expensive than they were in the grocery store. It could be like 30 hours of work or more. I wish I had a commissary list. I should have brought one because I didn't consider the prices. You may be able to look it up online.

But I didn't really care because like I'm going to spend what I'm going to spend. If I need toothpaste, we're going to spare no expense. got I want to see my commissary money making it rain I'm like you at the fucking movie theater I'm this fucking Ike and Mike's fucking pieces let's fucking go baby yeah I want the large cherry coke uh-huh so so you know like I remember I had this St. Ives like face moisturizer and it was like $11 for this jar of it that big. Were you going to not face moisturize? Yeah. I'm not.

Exquisite. You got to look your best. I got a gay neighbor who I'm trying to impress. And nobody would think twice about that, because everybody did it. Everybody is moisturizing and trying to look their best. Really? I'm putting something together that's a little racist here.

I think that black people are more moisturizing people. Yeah, they grease up. I'm a little mad about that, about white people need to start using lotion because it'll do wonders for your skin. There's no privacy. Without without staring you become very aware of your neighbor's daily rituals and like like what they put on themselves and what they do and

yeah i'm about to talk about him fucking greg milton gregory milton the guy the guy i bumped with this this 50year-old black fella who's got a huge bald spot on top, and it's like bald here, too. He's rubbing this shit in his hair. He's got three goddamn jars of it. It's called, like, fresh-grow organic scalp and hair treatment or something like that. And I got a good look at it one day, and it looks like a clear gel with bits of plant matter in it and he'd get himself a big goop of this shit and lather up and he'd start rubbing it into his scalp and his hair and it would wake me from my sleep it's like a chia pet baldness cure yes he's trying to grow

his hair back prison took everything from him but it didn't take his ability to grow back. All right, silly. Greasing my bald head up. Gonna grow it back. Hell yeah. Super freak. Super freak. Don't get at this bitch. This guy narrates everything he does. He narrates his whole life. And mine. How did it smell?

It smelled like the big fat permanent markers that you can get high off of mixed with calcium. Hell yeah. It was a very chemically alcohol, like gasoline kind of smell. Very potent. I think he could have gotten high off of it. It was awful. And he'd put it on four or five times a day at least.

Jesus Christ. Because he worked out twice a day and sometimes three times a day. And he was always just like coming back in to like wash up and put more on. Thank God he showered well because he stunk. He ate a lot.

So he was maintaining. Country strong, maybe. Yeah, you know. And he's in his 50s. So like, you know, he looked pretty good for being in his 50s. He got a dad bod, yeah?

Yeah, I would say so. Kind of a big chest, like a muscular chest, but a little bit of a belly at the same time. Big shoulders. Not overweight, but not ripped or anything. He ate a lot. Always eat. The most important question here, did his hair grow when you were in? No.

If anything, he was losing it. I got a perfect angle. I'm up above him in the top bunk looking down at the back of this guy's head. He would just get up at night and stand there staring at his locker sometimes for like 10 minutes. And I'd just be like... What was he doing? Here I am staring at my locker. Just staring at it.

Can't go to sleep. Can't get away. What am I going to do? Staring at my locker thinking about my cute white cellmate. I want to know about the commissary shit like like obviously it seems like most of it was like small time just amenities like i need toothpaste i need a toothbrush i need max was there any like really big dick stuff that if you were walking back from there they're like he got a george foreman grill son of a bitch like any kind of stuff like that yeah um sunglasses were 55 bucks

i had me a pair right away oh yeah fucking men in black style okay because i don't go out in real life without sunglasses like i always wear sunglasses and that was a big problem for me when i first got there because i couldn't get the sunglasses right away because the spending limit uh i just didn't have enough money to get food clothes and sunglasses so i had to wait a week to be able to get them and my eyes were so goddamn bloodshot that the nurse tried to have me piss tested because my eyes looked like i was on drugs and uh but the guard i explained myself to the guard and he was like oh all right well get get out of here then you're not on drugs i'm like can you tell if i was on drugs i'd really be enjoying it though i you know i wouldn't i wouldn't be this upset if i were on drugs i'd love some

drugs i'm not i'm not on any drugs. Did you partially get the glasses just to rank up your RPG character? To make yourself look a little more senior in there? No, I thought they made me look goofy because there were those lame Nike sports sunglasses. I wore them for sun protection. I pictured Ray-Ban Wayfarers.

Am I off? Yeah, I would have loved Ray-Ban Wayfarers. That's what I wear in real life. That's what I choose. What was the most expensive thing you could get at the commissary? I think it may have been the MP3 player. The MP3 player was probably close to $100

and the radio was like $70 and I got a good pair of headphones. I think the brand is KOR. K-O-R-R. And they were like $30 or something like that. So your headset and radio of choice would be around $100 to $120. So they would get stolen occasionally. People would steal them.

So how did you get music on it? Yeah, you go to the computer and you download whatever you want, like gangster rap or whatever. I used a radio. I didn't get into that because I used a radio i you know i didn't care to like how does it get stolen like in my head i take let me explain i take kyle's stuff well there's kyle's shit sitting by my bed like like if i'm gonna steal from someone well it's not like you get different brands or colors and you can't distinguish it you can't like take a sharpie to it or a scratch that'd be smart to do but this guy hasn't done that also like if you left let's for example let's say you

left your mp3 player like on your bed could somebody else get into your cell while you were gone oh yeah there's no cells these are these are bedrooms separated by block walls that don't go to the ceiling like you just walk right in there's no door to your cell at all. Got it. So you lock your fucking locker. I locked my locker up. One of the first things, I was really worried because there was a surprise inspection, surprise inspection,

coming that day. We always knew. And I was thinking, for some reason, lying there in bed, I'd gotten really scared that my biggest fear, more than rape or assault,

was what if I have to do more than two months because I've prepared for two I can do the two but what if they were to give me six more that would really break my spirit I feel like because I've got I can see the end of the tunnel but if that if I get there and it's like an RPG game and I got to make a left and and like continue my mission I'm gonna lose it and I was terrified that out of spite, somebody was going to get me dirty. They were going to put some fucking drugs or some contraband in my locker

or maybe either to intentionally get me and then maybe even go rat me out and say, hey, Kyle's got this, go look. Or maybe they would just be like, oh shit, they're coming. White boys locker and do that and then try to come back later and retrieve it from my locker. Use my locker as a hiding space. So one morning, my buddy Snow comes to pick me up to go work out. And I'm like, I don't think I'm going to go, man. And he's like, why? And David, at the time, I had two cellmates. And David was this Mexican guy. And he explains in Spanish to Snow so nobody

would overhear. He's afraid that somebody somebody's gonna come and put something in his locker and snow goes oh yeah they might and i was like wait so like was it was it wide knowledge like when somebody was gonna get out or when you were getting close uh i you know people would ask and I'd tell. Snow was like, somebody asked you. You don't say 60 days. You say 60 months. Snow goes back to his locker and he comes back with a lock and a little post-it with

a combination on it. Here you go. Here's your combination. Here's your lock. Let's go work out. I was like, yeah, I like this guy. I hope he's not the one who's going to get me dirty. Here's your combination. Here's your lock. Let's go work out. I was like, yeah, I like this guy. I hope he's not the one who's going to get me dirty. He knows the combination. Man, a guy named Snow who was in there for trouble

with cocaine distribution is so cool. Methamphetamine, yeah. Cocaine's cooler to think about. I'm going to run with it. You guys weren't here last week, obviously, but Kyle, you can expound on it a little bit. When he got there, people, you know, you guys weren't here last week, obviously, but Kyle, you can expound on a little bit when he got there. People,

apparently when you go to prison, you're like, I'm there for two months. They're like, this guy snitched in another prison. He just got transferred here for the last little bit of his stint. Oh shit. Or he's on that TV show 60 days and out.

There was talk that I was on some sort of fucking reality show or that i've watched or that i wasn't a prisoner at all i was some sort of like undercover or that i was you know someone who'd snitched somewhere else and was being brought here to to to be here or you know to do my last little bit or something like that and uh and it i was i was just like no i just had a good lawyer how do you prove that too? Cause you can't, you can't stab someone. Like I don't have any paperwork or anything that like shows like what I'm the, I don't have nothing like, like on paper.

And if I, if I were a real snitch, I could get some fake paperwork. I'm sure if I were some sort of like, if you're that 60 days in like guy, you can, there probably is some fake paperwork. If I asked you to tell me you're a BR 17, that means you're, you're in, you're one 60 Days In guy, there probably is some fake paper. If I asked you, tell them you're a BR-17. That means you're one of the good ones. They won't mess with you. Meanwhile, those guys get raped. One of those guys got raped that was on

that fucking TV show. I hope it was worth it for him. His 15 minutes of fame was in the shower. Did he win the money? I don't know if there's money to be won. There's no money? There's no money? There's the money? I don't know if there's money to be won. There's no money? There's no money? It's like Survivor with syphilis.

Did he get raped because he was on the show? Like they found out he was on the show? I think that they didn't. I think that they just thought he was like a vulnerable guy and they raped him. I don't know the whole story. I'm just positive that one of the guys from 60 Days In got raped while he was in. Oh my gosh. And yeah. So, so like I was real scared about that, about someone cause, cause I was, I would

have nightmares about it. Like, like about getting in trouble, like enough trouble that they give you more time. And, and I think that what would happen, like if I had drugs specifically, it's like, maybe I'd have to go back in front of the judge and he would give me like another four months or so. Or like, I don't know what they could do. I don't know exactly, but it wouldn't be good. You know, it wouldn't be good at all.

And I was real worried about that. So I was very appreciative for snow giving me a fucking lock. You could buy a lock in the commissary, but I was going to have to wait a whole nother week. And I didn't know if locks were the cool thing to do anyway. Like, like you, what you locking your shit up for? You think I'm going to steal? Aren't you in here for Grand Theft Auto?

I'm going to drive away with your Fritos. You were going to tell us about snow and chomos. What was the scoop there? Oh, yeah. Yeah. All right. So,

did I tell you about the drawing? No, but the audience might not know what a chomo is. Good. A chomo is a child molester. Oh, they be fucking with them kids. So this guy had been in the medium security prison. He said that the chomos, they hang out in the library because when the newspapers come in, they want to get the advertisements, all the coupons and shit, because maybe they get like a Kohl's catalog with a bunch of little kids in swimsuits. And they were cutting that shit out.

Oh, shit, son. The spring catalog for Huggies is out. Boy, Baby Gap came in. Jackpot. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. She got her floaties on oh so so they're cutting this shit out and that's their pornography and uh and so he was very sensitive to this because apparently they roughed those guys up in medium security that's that's pretty regular that they've got their own

like wing or their own unit they keep them to themselves because and imagine if you're just like i don't i feel like you should distinguish between sexual crimes although some people might find that to be offensive child molesters a bit different than a rapist to me all right it's rapists are awful human beings but child molesters are the bottom of the barrel and to me like i don't think you should throw the rapist necessarily in there especially like maybe the date rapist where do you break murderers in this kyle uh you know i'd rather chill with a murderer i don't know we need to tier list like all these crimes welcome

to the show i can agree that like you know like it's it's like there's different tiers of awfulness you know like different tiers of awfulness of hell yeah yeah yeah there's a dante's inferno catalog of of these guys and in jail it just makes itself apparent, I imagine, right? Like, everybody just is like, these are the rules. Like, this is what we're doing. Yeah. If you murdered or you, even if you raped, they didn't seem to care. But, by the way, there were no rapists in there with me.

At least none that had been caught for rape. That's a very important thing to distinguish because people are like, oh, nobody's in there for violent crime. No, for violent crime no no no nobody's in there who was found guilty of a violent crime there are criminals in there and when you're a criminal it's it's like oh she's a baker she's probably never made any cupcakes before though it's like no she's probably made cupcakes and cake pops she probably made an ice cream cake one time with her cousin. There was that one time when she made some cupcakes. She's done it all. She's probably made candy too. She was actually only convicted of

solely baking gay cakes. No matter what you asked for, it was very, very gay. There are guys in there who like to draw portraits and they'll charge for the service. Very talented guys. Very talented guys.

And one guy would charge five max, and he would draw a portrait for you. You gave him a photograph of your loved one. He would draw it. Very cool portraits. I wish that I had had photographs to get that done, too. I wish I had the three of us from the show and do a group picture. I thought that would have been a prison group picture of the three of us. Yeah.

Yeah. So this Indian guy who was actually Terry Cruz's brother-in-law's cellmate, um, snow called him Indio cause he didn't know his real name. He called Isaac black cause he was black. Not very creative. He called you blocko, which is why he called me a weto which is why that's right that's right or sleepy because i slept a lot

sleepy yeah yeah i had a cool prison name are you sleepy get over here one of the seven dwarves come here i mean my homies drowsy and dopey. And rapey. He really wants to meet you. So, he, the Indio wants to draw something for

anybody, because he likes it. So, I guess Snow gives him a photograph of Snow's grandson. And so, the Indian guy draws it very well, and he gives it back the drawing and he's like yo What's this right here on my grandson's arm? He's like, oh I I signed it And he's like looks like my little grandbaby got a tattoo my grandbaby don't got no tattoos. He's three years old yo

and he's like, oh I always signed them, you know, he's like, oh, well, I always sign them. You know, he said, I don't I don't understand. You know, I could just erase it. Put it in the corner. How about that? Sign the bad guy. He's like, yeah, I like that better.

You know, sign it somewhere else. Maybe he's like, all right, cool. I'm going to take it. I'll move that and I'm going to make a copy for myself. He's like, but you want a copy of my grandbaby? He comes to me the next day and he's like, yo, I think Indio's a chomo. We're out there running

and I'm just like, nah man, I don't think so. He's a real chill guy. He's in here for some kind of fucking computer fraud or some bullshit. He's doing finance. He's like a computer coder. He's just a nerd. He's scared real chill guy, you know, he's in here for some kind of fucking computer fraud or some bullshit, you know, he's he's He's doing fine. He's like a computer coder, you know, he's just a nerd. He's scared dude He's told me he's cool guy. I talked to him a lot. He's right next to me now

Once a picture of my grandbaby. I think he's a chomo Medium we know how to handle the chomo and I'm just like man. I don't think you need to handling nobody you know i think i think if you just voice your concerns to him like and wait a minute god damn who am i talking to yeah man maybe he's a chomo yeah you're gonna have to uh represent for the family you know uh you can't let this get out you know it'd be a real dishonor you're gonna have to represent but i don't do any of that because he might murder the four man so i'm just like no i'm trying to chill him out but it's not working so at the end of our work he's like yeah i'm gonna go talk to him and i'm like you're just gonna talk to him though right probably depends what he says back is what he means and and so like the next day we're running our lap and he's over there doing his chin-ups with the 40 pounds of weight tied to his waist and uh and i'm watching him as i do because i'm

not interested in any of that and the indian guy and isaac run past doing their lap and he goes yo indio and indio looks over with this look i've never seen on a grown man's face before that I can only terror just terror he's just like just that like this grimace of fear and he was already you know he's breathing hard because he's running

and he's yeah morning and he's like yeah yeah and he just picks up the pace he keeps on fucking and i'm like did you talk to indio yesterday yeah we straightened that all out i don't even want to know what he said to him i know he threatened him i know he did he probably asked him if he was a chomo it just it was so it seems so how do you fuck up in there? I was gonna say how do you how do you clear your name? It's like no, I definitely don't like kids like I got some pictures of some grown woman jerk off to this. Let's see

Say no more snow. This is my court everybody. Come here. He's gonna prove he's not a chomo Look at it. so flaccid. You don't like a grown woman, do you? Bring my little grandbaby over here. Am I nice? What's it like for? We're back to sounding. Kyle, hold the knife.

I can just picture you there like, I just want to go have chili and read the rest of Harry Potter. I tried to get Snow into Harry Potter. Why would you think that would work? I don't know. Because, you know, during our runs, I'd tell him about what I was reading. And, you know, I'm four books into the Harry Potter series.

I've read it before. I like it. And I'm like, yeah, man, it's this little wizard kid. He didn't know he was a wizard. You know's he's evil wizard voldemort's trying voldemort yes you know it's this voldemort guy who the bad guy is trying to get him and you know he's he's going to wizard school and he falls in love and and does magic and trying to explain this shit to him he's like yeah i'd like to read some of that so i give him of that. So I give him books one and two. He never made it out of chapter one. He never made it out of chapter

one. Hey man, I just thought I would tell you this shit's fucking dumb. Nobody's fighting chomos or anything. If I ever go to prison, I want a snow. I need a snow, a savior. It sounds like you got a good draw you got a good hand for for your two two months you know i have his full name he made a good hand i i i did

my best to make friends with mr snow i have his real name and his prison number uh written down in there i'm gonna next week i'll look him up online and i'll get i'll get a picture of snow hopefully i should be able to look it up and uh and i'll i'll be able to show you can we send him some presents uh yeah you can send him cash i'm sure he'd appreciate that was it through jay pay i was thinking more like ironic funny gifts you can send him books and letters oh children's oh he would love harry potter we'll send him harry pot'll send him Harry Potter. Send him a Baby Gap catalog. That is the funniest fucking thing I've ever heard. The Chomos hanging out in the library waiting for issues of

Toddlers Monthly, which are some for some reason subscribed to the prison to show up so they can cut out pictures of babies wearing Uggs or some shit. That is wild. Are they just wanting to get fucked with and beat up? There's no attempt to rehab them, right?

Not at all in prison? I don't know. How do you rehab a fetish? I don't know. I'm not sure. They tried to rehab me from smoking marijuana. Look at you. Marijuana free for over 60 days. You know what I was thinking?

you marijuana free for over 60 days i can smell it i can smell it in there it was such bullshit it's like you've got me here for marijuana and i can smell it every day it's like putting a fat guy and locking him up in a kfc bathroom this is torture this is torture i can smell it at right outside can you switch states how hard is that that? Sorry, go ahead, buddy. Do they drug test us? No, can you switch states? How hard is it to do that? You can go just about anywhere you want, but it takes 18 months.

You have to be in a place for 18 months to transfer. Do you have two years probation? Oh, me? Yeah. Oh, me personally. I thought you meant prisoners in general. I thought maybe you'd like to live in a different state. Ah, that wouldn't help me, because I got federal

charges. I know. I see what you're thinking there. Yeah, it wouldn't matter. If I was in Colorado where weed is legal, I still couldn't smoke there because I'm on this federal probation or whatever. Oh. That would only cause be an issue if you were dealing with federal agents. If you were in California

so long, if you had 13 pounds of agents like if you were in california as so long like if you had 13 pounds actually that's too much i have a federal probation officer though 13 who drug tests you have to check in with him gotcha yeah bruce was asking about the drug test thing in in prison though did they test you through not no they don't test at all unless like um there's a reason to test but but it's expensive to test, and they're trying to come as far. The farther under budget they are, the bigger their bonuses are. So they don't want to waste money. Yeah, and then they definitely don't want to drug test and be like,

shit, there's people smoking. There's people doing heroin in our prison. And there are. There are people doing heroin in the prison. But yeah, I'm on federal probation. So I've been tested twice since i've been out um i think i'll do it yeah yeah you've been out for two weeks uh not even that yeah seven days um my math is way off it's for two episodes kyle

seven days because i got out we did an episode and then this is the right yeah one week later seven days um so yeah yeah well when i got out i like the next day i reported and i drove up there and uh i met this senior uh probation officer who formerly was my probation officer real nice guy i like him a lot we watch the same youtube channels about cooking and uh and uh and he tested me and then i came back uh monday this just past Monday, and I met my personal probation officer. And he tested me. And he told me, you get tested like three times right away. And he's like, we'll just try to knock those out as fast as possible. And then I'm going to be on the Coda phone system, I think, for a couple months, which is where you call in.

I have a personal number that corresponds to me. A voice reads out all these three-digit numbers. If they call your number, I drive this place just down the road and i get drug tested there uh so so they test for everything i have a question this lasts for two years um yes and no like like i think the drug testing i think the codophone thing for example i think that that's only going to be for a couple more months because i was on it for like a year and a half. And, you know, I never I didn't do any fucking drugs. I guess I don't know how to put it. And I think as long as I don't get in any trouble for like the first half of my probation,

I can go back before the judge and maybe like, hey, can you let me out of this thing? I've been good for a year. And I think he can release me and let me out in a year and then I'd be able to do anything I want. So hypothetically, if you had a normal day day job either office hours or your car salesman type job how difficult would it be to comply with probation while you're trying to earn a living not at all they'll work around you okay yeah they'll work around you because they want you to be you know stable and and employed and all that stuff oh cool um and i think i'm gonna have a new

and another probation officer anyway like i met with a guy uh just the other day and he was like you know i think we're gonna put all your relevant information into the computer and it'll spit out your threat level and uh and he's got like a like a chart over there that goes from like blue to red like four or five levels and he's like i think you're gonna be a low and i'm like if i'm not a low i don't know what is and i had i mean just barely more than a hundred guns yeah well and uh and i so i think i have a different probation officer i think it'll be this young lady who just got promoted to a probation officer so she'll probably be my officer uh soon enough i think that question was my bias showing through like i have this idea that like man they put you in there you come out broke and hopeless and then you can't get a job

and this and that and it's only some of that is accurate i guess if you're broke going in you're gonna be broke coming out but like wouldn't it be cool if that didn't have to be like you know if you earn more than eight cents an hour and you could have a little nest egg coming out and hit land on your feet eight Eight cents an hour. That is crazy. Like that's just slavery. Yeah. It's about 20 bucks a month.

Why? How do they, how do they justify the fact that they're paying you eight cents an hour? Like why, why, why even pay you at that point? Nothing more dignity. Well,

whenever they abolish slavery, um, what the part that they always read the first sentence, they never read the second sentence of that, of that, um, of that abolish slavery, they always read the first sentence. They never read the second sentence of that amendment. The second part is, except in the case of punishment. Does it say that? Yeah. So it's literal slavery.

They force you to get a job, and they'll punish you if you don't work it. But you weren't there long enough to get jobs. There was some kind of mess up in the system, and I didn't get medically cleared until weren't there long enough to get jobs. There was some kind of mess up in the system and I didn't get medically cleared until I had a week left to go. And then they assigned me a job on the day before my release at about 2 in the afternoon.

And I almost was like, so who do I report to? What work do I do? But then I was like, don't say a word. Walk away. And I just walked right back to my bunk, opened up fucking another Stephen King novel and burnt the day away. And so I never worked a minute. In terms of making two months go by, do you think that not having a job was kind of cool and like making life easy or kind of sucked because it made days long? It's a mixed bag.

It may have sped time up. But at the same time, it may have just been something horrible that I didn't want to do. I didn't want to be outside running a pressure washer on those 105 heat index days. I didn't want to be cooking the food when I wasn't even eating the food. I didn't want to have to wear a goofy uniform or anything like that. I would have to take multiple showers then, and there was a long period of time where I was afraid I was going to get raped in the shower, so I really didn't want to have to take more than one shower a day. And I also didn't want to have to do that much laundry. I know that sounds like a stupid thing, but it's kind of annoying doing the laundry.

You have to make sure you're out there at 6 a.m. and you're getting it given to them, and you have to make sure you're there at 10.30 a.m. to get it back. Because if you sleep through that, he won't give it to you today because he's a he's a super racist and he hates white people and it's a whole thing really like yeah yeah they uh this white guy came in this captain and he was a real like no bullshit kind of guy he's like everybody get back here and he's just like i'm gonna sniff out the drug dealers and i'm gonna clean up this camp we're gonna start with pressure washing and scraping paint. And everybody's just like at attention, like scared to death of this guy.

And the boss before him had been a black lady and everybody would just be like, what do you need us to do? Yeah, we'll get right on that. Bitch. So when this guy like leaves, like the laundry guy is like

I'd have to use the n-word a lot to explain what he said he's like y'all y'all brothers I use y'all brothers Martin Luther King would roll over his grave y'all brothers up in here that white

man come in everybody's yes sir yes sir Mr. White man what you needs me to do sir y'all ignorant brothers that's so fucking funny it's funnier with brother i think i'm two cells away from him and i'm just like i'm i shouldn't be here. So what was the job that gave you? I was an orderly, basically a janitor. Sweep up, mop a little bit. I was so happy I never had to be on bathroom cleanup duty because the bathrooms were so filthy by the end of each day.

In the morning, 8 a.m., they're immaculate. It's like a Chick-fil-A bathroom. They are holier than thou. They are nice. All right? Sparkling. My pleasure. By 8 p.m., it smells of shit and tobacco in there.

And they have really, I'll never forget the day somebody shat on the toilet seat. And the head orderly is like, what ignorant brother has done shit on the toilet seat? And somebody goes, which one? What the fuck difference does it make which toilet the ignorant motherfucking brother has done shit on? I like to use two. Dude, it sounds like prison is full of hilarious people. It does, doesn't it? I just feel like they got sort of a knack for stand-up comedy you know

a lot of this stuff wasn't funny at the time it was very serious uh like the guy whose towel was stolen like that was funny yeah that was were there any other just full-on funny not scary moments or was it i'm sure just the aura around you of being in prison makes everything scary um i don't know are you gonna keep any of these lifelong friends no fuck no i don't think i'm technically allowed to speak with them no i don't think i'm allowed to consort with felons so i was never in the military but my understanding is part of what boot camp is is they put people in a common horrible situation and they bond to each other right they think they're like they just look like this is this is fucked up man yeah this is fucked up

and but while you hate the man you love each other that didn't happen in prison i mean i like some of those guys but i never want to fucking see him again no because i want snow for the show i mean it's i don't think it's legal to snow to be on look i i will ask my probation officer that question in particular but and and if it is at all possible he would absolutely come on the show he absolutely would he can you imagine woody before the show being like snow your audio sucks get it together man he's just like an angry yo mr doomer tag i did a little googling That's a meme I read a few articles about you I don't know what a meme is

Mr. Pedophile That's a meme That's the sound a man makes When you spike him in the lungs I'll ask him if that's even a potential possibility but he may get out in April but his hopes weren't high because they told him that he was

a former gang member and therefore a threat to society now Chomo his plans for post prison do they include going back with the family no he said he was going to hang up his gloves, which I guess meant retire from crime and go spend some time with his many children

and his wife that he's been with since he was 13 years old. As you do? Yeah, so he had his first kid when he was, I think you said 13 and a half. 13 and a half. Jesus Christ. Now. Dude, that kid was cool. He was fucking at 12 and a half. Holy shit. Dude, that was the, that was, that kid was cool.

He was so much cooler than me. Yeah, he was fucking at 12 and three quarters. Yeah, he was like 48. No, impregnating at 12 and three quarters. Yeah, impregnating. Strong, virile young sperm. Yeah, he was like 48, and he said that his son was, I think, like two years older than me. I think that math checks out.

His son was 35, and he's 48. They could be like colleagues. Yeah, they go out to the bar together and it's just like, oh, your brother's here. 13-year-old Woody used to think about how I would seduce a woman. And part of my pitch was like, I'm pretty infertile, I'm sure. Like, I barely hit puberty. Come on, baby, roll with me. That's my son. that 21 year old is my

grandson yeah did you say he had grandkids yeah how old was his son when he had a kid do we i don't know we don't know um he had a he had a crazy scenario maybe you could look it up um and like sort of oh that might tell me it doesn't matter his nephew got shot in the head by a cop while while i was there on the outside like like in texas somewhere like apparently he was like the kid has some sort of mental issues or something like that snow isn't very eloquent so so i don't he couldn't really explain these things to me very well but he wasn't all there and the kid is like walking on the sidewalk with a stick, according to Snow, who knows.

And police got in some sort of confrontation with a cop. The cop shot him like three times and once in the head. You know what city it happened in? No. No. No. If I knew that, that would probably get the job done. Stop shooting someone.

This should be easy to narrow down. And it was a real set. Color, Taylor. That'll to narrow down. And you shot a person of color, Taylor. That'll be really narrow. And it was like a real sad situation because the nephew's mother had had a stroke. And so she's all fucked up living with Snow's wife. So Snow's wife's working graveyard shift, taking care of her sister, and not telling the sister that the sister's son

is in the hospital, like dying. And they're charging the son with assault, aggravated assault. I'm like, I'm like, you should probably tell him to get a lawyer. You know,

he's like, nah, I'm like, yeah, we do need that attorney. Yeah. You really need an attorney there. Snow. They're going to, it sounds like, you probably do need that attorney. Yeah, you really need an attorney there, Snow. It sounds like the cop may have done something wrong in that situation. They try to blame it on the person that got shot,

and it sounds like he's not able to speak for himself since he's got a bullet in his head, so maybe get a lawyer. What was the funnest part of prison? That's a good question. The reading, the chilly. Sleeping. part of prison that's a good question the reading the chili sleeping was there was there never a point where you while in prison said to yourself well this isn't that bad like not i mean i'm sure you said this isn't that bad but like was there ever a point where you were content i don't. Like right after you get out of the shower and you're all clean and you feel good and you've brushed your teeth and maybe you're eating like the first chili of the day and watching TV or reading a book, like that was a pretty decent time.

It was kind of quiet in there. A lot of people were at their jobs of choice or they were just away. And it got quiet enough that you kind of hear your own thoughts. And so maybe around then, like if I was watching TV and I had my chili and I had a Diet Pepsi and I just had gotten out of the shower, that was about as good as things ever got, I would say. You probably couldn't relax, right? You could just never relax. It was just so loud i just remember laying there trying to read my book and thinking like i hate these brothers

i hate all these brothers why won't these brothers shut the fuck up you alluded to something earlier with the shower. And that sounds to me like the most frightening scenario. Was it exactly like you envision in the movies where it's like a bunch of naked dudes with their backs to each other? No, it's the opposite. It's the opposite of that. Showers are very private. I'll go through it kind of quickly because I did it last week. But you walk up to the shower curtain and you yell, shower.

And the people who are already in there, they call back and they tell you which shower heads are free and occupied. You know, oh, one, two, and three. And you're like, all right, I'm going in three. Three was the good one. And so you walk down this lane and each shower head comes out from the wall. And there's a block wall that's about, me it kind of came up to like um no it was pretty tall i mean i could see it's like a gym shower yeah there's block walls separating you and you've got like maybe three feet by three feet by three feet cubed and there's a shower

curtain behind you so it's rather private but that you know if they want to come get you they'll still come get you and somebody said yeah somebody had made a threat against me and had gotten back to me that they wanted to get with me so so i was i was a little worried about that so holy shit a little worried i would be a lot worried yeah i was i would be going quite a few quite a few days without a shower yeah they give you shit about that you can't you can't like like like the things that you know like like one day I told him I pissed and didn't wash my hands. And Snow tells me the next day, he's like, yo, heard you didn't wash your hands. I'm like, when? Yesterday, right after you did it, I guess.

And I'm like, fuck, I didn't even touch my dick, man. I just thought I'd get on out of there, you know? Wow. They don't know. For all they know, you're pissing right on your hands. They need to see you scrubbing. I'm like, I'll lather up from now on, motherfucker. Jesus Christ.

I did. The same thing about not bathing. There were guys in there who were just gross guys who just smell and stink. People would talk about them. I've got to have a shower. I don't know, so I and I got to have a shower. I don't feel human if I don't have to have a shower. I can't. Of course, you don't feel too human after a rape either.

So you got to weigh the options out. Well, that's the I mean, did you were you able to like, did you immediately start looking for protection when you hear that? That's I was looking for protection the moment I got there. That's how I'm at snow. Yeah. Yeah. What did you do? You walk around like, hey, I'm just trying not to get raped, guys.

Yeah. Yeah. What'd you do? Did you walk around like, Hey, I'm just trying not to get raped guys. It's like, I just like found the larger people that were in there and, and made friends with them,

you know, one way or another, like, like there was a big black guy that I, I promised him I'd give him my radio and headset when I left. Cause I noticed his was busted. And, uh,

you know, he, and he would, he, he would not, he was the one who warned me about the rape and he was all, he would like bring me stuff all the time. Cause it was a hundred dollars that i had promised him essentially

between the headset and the radio and so he'd bring me a six pack of diet pepsi because he knew i drank those or he'd bring me some flip-flops uh who like 25 or something like that because i didn't have any flip-flops and you know he'd just come by all the time just if he hey you need anything no i'm pretty good you sure you want Diet Pepsis? I can get you some. Yeah, I would like some Diet Pepsis. I only have 50, you know, and he'd go get me some because I love Diet Pepsi. I mean, that's what I'm drinking now. How do you keep those cold? Yeah, that's a good question.

They came in six packs, and I think they were like $2.20 a six pack, so fairly affordable. But I had this really big half-gallon jug I drank out of. It was double insulated, so an exterior wall and an interior wall with a layer of air between. The top pops off, and there's one of those plastic bendy straws that goes in.

We had an ice machine, so I would put a little ice in there, put my can of Pepsi in there, cover it up with ice the rest of the way, and then fill it up with water. Half half an hour later, you have like an ice cold can drink. Nice. That would be a nice little treat in prison. It absolutely is.

Dr. Pepper option? Is prison only Pepsi option? Or is Coke in prison? They rotate. Right as I was leaving, they were rotating over to Coca-Cola. It was Cherry Pepsi and Diet Pepsi. And there was Faygo Cola, Faygo Orange, and Faygo Grape.

Oh, the Juggalos. Yeah, the Juggalos. Yeah, exactly. ICP, baby. And they had also tropical fruit soda drinks and stuff like that. Do they have lunchables? No, because you don't know refrigeration. Oh. Only dry goods. only things that you could store at so beef jerky was probably pricey nobody really

wanted beef jerky it didn't seem like uh the popular items were candy uh these things called what are those things called chico sticks i think it's a it's a It's peanut butter covered in toasted coconut. And it's like a long stick. And they were like 10 cents a piece. And these guys are always eating those. That sounds good, though. Yeah. I didn't eat any.

That's only an hour and 15 minutes worth of work. That's all I get. You know, crunch bars and snicker bars and stuff like that. All like ramen noodles and soup in a cup. He had oysters in a bag. That's surprising. Like pre-cooked oysters? Yeah, it was disgusting.

Snow asked me if I wanted a sushi bowl one day. And I was like, I love sushi. sushi and i'm thinking like wait a minute kyle you have an actual old japanese man craft your sushi while you watch him do it using a using a thousand euro blade in atlanta you pay 30 for a piece of sushi sushi that snow is not gonna roll out some fancy sashimi that's not happening maybe you should ask what he's talking about when he says sushi he's like yeah you know get some mackerel and some oysters and and he's just talking about taking every fish product and throw it in a bowl with some mayonnaise mayonnaise though oh no dude that sounds fucking gross we had shelf stable

mayonnaise it's just in your locker all day. That's actually how all mayonnaise should be. It's called blue plate mayonnaise or blue pate. I don't know. One of the others. Why hasn't Hellman's caught up with this technology? Probably because it's not as good. Bring out the best.

It was all right. I made a bit of tuna salad. That was the thing that required a little bit of crafting because they don't have relish in there, so you had to make your own relish. Blue plate mayo, yep. Yeah. How did you make your own relish? I stole pickles from the

kitchen and chopped them up with a knife that was hidden on the hot water heater. You gave away the knife location! Ah, who fucking cares? Don't get it! The other one's above the exit sign on the front door! Oh, I greg is watching that was a surprising thing you told us about prison is that these knives were just communal

where it was like a select group of cool guys were like hey there's a knife at the you know heater there's a knife under this thing in the bathroom and a knife over here put it back when you're done or we're gonna be pissed and like that was it right yeah like just yeah what was the knife used it was just for like quality of life shit yeah chopping onions and bell peppers and stuff like that but it is a knife knife. It's communal, so you're really giving everyone the ability to defend themselves. But nobody's doing that. Nobody's using weapons that I don't think that's going to be. I mean, Snow told me that he got in a fight there with a guy who had a chink, as he put it.

A chink. Not a shank. A chink. He had a chink. Yeah. Yeah, a chink. I said, I wanted to box him. He pulled out a chink. Yeah. Yeah, he had a chink. I said, I wanted to box him. He pulled out the chink.

And I said, come on. I'm not scared of no chink. I'm going to cut you up with these bows. I was like, I picked the right guy. Elbows. I like you, Mr. Snow. Hey, Mr. Snow. This guy fucks.

Excuse me, Mr. Snow. I can never forget it when he told me his name was snow it's so weird when somebody first introduces themselves with a nickname i'm sure woody knows this it has it ever been awkward when you tell like a banker or somebody like yeah i'm i'm woody yeah it just that's kind of a normal name though for me it is yeah i like i've had that since i was little i don't balk at it when i when i. When you first heard it, I didn't. But when a man says his name is Block, you're just like,

for real? Why? Because I killed my mom with a block. Oh, God. You earned that nickname. This Block. Yeah, this one right here. Is that wet blood on your block?

Yeah. block is that wet blood on your block yeah it was so fucking stupid in there i'm so glad i'm out of there i'm so glad we're so glad we couldn't have vending machines because the motherfuckers would break into them you know i'm like why can't we have a vending machine these cards that we have have a magnetic strip to be swiped why can't we have a vending machine i was like you know they got cool vending machine these cards that we have have a magnetic strip to be swiped why can't we have a vending machine i was like you know they got cool vending machines now with like hot coffee and pizzas in them they have japanese girls panties yes oh that would have been a big seller in there i'm gonna tell you right now we should start making like prison centric unbreakable vending machines you know and just market them to prisons everywhere. Just put Baby Gap

catalogs in there. They do that at schools where they get broken into too much. It's just a vending machine with a giant cage around it that only lets you reach it by hitting the button, swiping or grabbing your shit that you bought. My high school had that too so that didn didn't happen in prison they would they would

just bust into those too high tech that's what they that's what snow told me because i was asked why don't they give us one and they said well you know it people people fucking rob them damn people fucking rob them i was about to ask did you have any cool photos from prison and then i was like of course you can though you can there's a fucking booth you can go to and like it like a kissing booth i'm picturing yes yes and it coughed what if i'd gotten one oh my god what if i'd gotten one with me in snow go back in time i'd have one with me in snow fucking fucking light light light wait who uses the who uses the photo but wait hold on hold on who uses the prison photo booth with their buddies homemade no one uses

with their buddies no one but if you want to send a picture of yourself back to your homies you know how else you gonna do it is it like the kind of thing you find at dave and busters where you pull the curtain back and just sit there? Yeah. It would be so awesome. That takes four photos. If you just go and block all the pictures. How much is it? Several dollars a picture. A couple max. You just feed the fish

in there, not even in the pouch. It's two days worth of work. It won't take my mackerel. Man, prison sounds hilarious, but only because it didn't happen to me yeah yeah it's awful it's so thank god kyle's a good storyteller because this could have just been very dry and not that funny at all no but i'm over here gone i'm like maybe i want to try a little stint in prison can you give me like a week yeah probably probably what you know just

you just go visit you know you get a job there you could do that yeah it was there was so much corruption um uh throughout the whole thing you know so much favoritism and stuff like that like like snow wanted to get a job up up the hill where they have actual workout equipment and you know only but only the black guys got those jobs and you know the only black guys worked in the laundry um there was mostly black people there so black people were sort of in positions of power as far as who got to decide who got to do what so it was hard to get into those preferable jobs the kitchen was being white you could try that but it's hard um the kitchen was a mixed bag you got access to the food and you could steal some but also you had to make everybody's food and that meant you had to get really fucking early and be in there

working i wonder wait wait was there ever like was there anyone that was like legitimately talented in the kitchen i know that like the materials that you have to work with are limited but you know conceptually there's got to be excuse me one one person that's like, yeah, man, I was like a pretty decent chef. Like I can make some not shit food from your shit ingredients. I feel like there's gotta be a couple of guys out there. That's that's no, again, that's no, again, snow would make these bowls for me. Um, you know, we, we have Tupperware and, uh, he made me a nacho bowl one day that was like Doritos and nacho chips covered with refried beans and queso and salsa and jalapenos and chili beans.

I was like, hey, sign me up. I'm sitting there eating it with a spoon and my cellmate comes in and I'm just like, get your ass back, Greg. I'm just watching my friend eat a bowl that I want to eat as well. I'm going to talk to my locker tonight

at 4 a.m. angrily about it. He goes, what you got? What you got? Did you make that? I'm like, nah, snow made.

Who snow? I'm like, the guy who walks by herself four times a day and I talk to, man, are you insane? But I would say that I'm like,

the big fucking Mexican guy that I walk with every day, man, every day, who comes here every day, three times a day. I don't get it, Greg. Are you retarded? I hated Greg so much.

I liked him. I didn't have anything against him. I just couldn't stand to have to share such a... He lived below me. I could reach down and grab him if I wanted to. Our lockers are touching. Greg sucks ass. Preferable bunk position no

it seems like everyone wants the bottom bunk everybody wants that bottom bunk because you don't have to climb up a ladder and uh you don't have and you're you're right there on the ground you just hop up you just you just sit down and get in um they just want that bottom bunk whenever a bottom bunk became available in my cubicle my cube i was like fuck it i don't want that i'm up here i'm up high it's cooler up here i feel like the vc is blowing right on me and i can see if the rape when the rape's coming yeah it's nice to get a little warning i got the lay of the land up here is that a rape i see i don't want this to be like a catheter removal i want to see it coming.

No surprise. Rapes. Rapes coming. From the south. It's going to be a wet one. I like the top bunk too. I always thought it was the better one. I don't know.

I feel like a parent. You know, perching on top, establishing my dominance. Well, you have a better vantage point, I assume, over Rebate. That's what I'm saying. It's hard to get in the top bunk. What's wrong with you, you unathletic fuck? Like you can't get into a top bunk? I had no problem. Yeah.

We each assigned like a plastic chair, so I just backed my plastic chair up to the ladder. So I'd step off it, take one more step, and throw myself in, and I'm up there. The only problem is I felt bad getting up in the middle of the night to piss or something because I'm squeaking and waking Greg up.. The only problem is I felt bad getting up in the middle of the night to piss or something because I'm squeaking and waking Greg up, but Greg don't care. He never complained once. Greg wakes you up with his fucking hair formula. I think he has

to pee again. Yeah, he is. You can sleep whenever you want. You go, Kyle. Center bowl. Nice aim. My Selly got some good aim. I'll center bowl. Center bowl. Nice aim. My Selly got some good aim. Listen.

Selly take an aggressive piss. Yes, he is. He don't hit the sidewalk. Let him know. Ring it out. Yes, sir. That's a fat stream right there. Selly got a hole.

Selly got a hole in his pants. Yes, sir. He don't skip the pork. Was there a bathroom in your cell? Or you have to get up and like walk somewhere to get up and walk to the end of the dormitory uh there's like 80 of us in a dorm set and we're sharing one urinal four toilets and five shower heads and about six sinks that is like edc that's like Coachella port-a-potty. It stayed rather clean. I'd usually go during... I would shit in the mornings.

I would do my best to get in there early, hit it when it was clean. That's the only time I shit. And shit very quickly. Just really try to get it out and get out. Oh, that's the other thing I bought from the commissary that is a must-have when you go to prison. go to prison toilet paper buy the commissary toilet paper because it's sherman or some shit and it's i came walking out with my bag of stuff and some guy noticed i had the toilet

paper all four rolls of it that i paid like seven or eight dollars for and he was like hey how much is that tp and i'm like i don't't know, man, like six, seven dollars. That shit's soft as a motherfucker. And I'm like, good to know. Because my ass is bleeding and it's not from rape yet. That toilet paper in there is the worst airport toilet paper you've ever seen. And we're assigned roles. There isn't a role in there is the worst airport toilet paper you've ever seen. And we're assigned rolls. There isn't a roll in there.

You get three rolls a week, I think, which is way overkill in my opinion. Is it thin too? So thin. So thin and rough. On the side, it says, made proudly by blind people. I'm not making this up. Let me find the brand. I guarantee I can find it. I'm wondering what blind people are I'm not making this up. Let me find the brand. I guarantee I can find it. I'm wondering what blind people are like.

I imagine they like braille toilet paper. This sounds like the toilet paper you would use at a national park where you found a bathroom in the middle of a three-mile trail or whatever. It's just straight paper. The roughest paper. It's also used by the military according to this.

Skillcraft toilet paper. It's created with pride by Americans who are blind. Outlook. Isn't that kind of fucked up that the company's called Outlook, but they're blind people? But you... You get three they're getting paid more than eight cents an hour i imagine right definitely so yeah you get three rolls of that shit a week and they're your rolls so when you go you take your roll of toilet paper with you to the the toilet and you

hang it up on a little stick like like metal rod that's sticking out of the wall so you've got it there. The process was to flush continuously while shitting. Like continuously. Like sometimes I'd be like, that sounds incredibly unhealthy. He has literally, I'm not exaggerating for comedic purposes, 20, 30 flushes in a row.

Why? How come? So that you won't, it's like a courtesy flush. So you won't hear him shitting or in a row. Ka-choo! How come? It's like a courtesy flush. You won't hear him shitting or smell the shit. It's because it's just being taken away. That's kind of nice. It is kind of nice.

It actually is. Did you develop any habits in prison that you took home with you? Do you eat your food and guard it? Nah, nobody was going to take my food. It's not like this was a a life, like a lifelong thing that he like eventually adopted. I'm just curious, like, was there anything that you learned about that you're like, yeah, maybe life hack. Like, I'll just do that at home. Huh.

I would say the way I made those chili bowls with the microwave was really tasty. And, but I don't know that i learned a new skill in that way um yeah you didn't develop a habit um no i'm definitely not making my bed up in real life okay yeah i had to make it every morning in there like it's fucking the army or some shit did they make you make it differently like my i make my bed i just kind of flatten it out and hang over the sides it's not army tucked it in youed it in. It's supposed to be. They told me that in other camps, they'd be real strict about it. Or maybe, I think someone was saying that when they were in, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Greg told me that when he was in the medium security prison before, that a lot of the guards are ex-military. And so they want it to Marine Corps standards. And they'll come in with a ruler. Like, oh, it's supposed to be seven inches from cuff to cuff on top or whatever the fuck and they'll like throw all your shit in the floor and walk away and like come back later and so he would pay somebody to make his bed i guess in max i suppose i don't know but he would pay this guy who would make his bed for him every day because the guy could make a bed real well i would just tuck everything and under i wonder what a bed making costs probably i mean it can't be it can't be enough that it's like maybe one hour of work you know right you're not gonna get reamed out but

well it's not gonna be for four cents then you're not like wouldn't it be cool to make like i don't know a dime in just 10 minutes in prison and And then you get maybe 10, 12 customers. And all of a sudden, you get a day's worth of work based on your skill. Yeah, but it's not going to be a dime. But I'm in the same thought process as you. I'm sure that there's special life. Oh, it's going to be more than a dime because there isn't currency. The only currency is things like Macs.

So you're going to get a bag of fish or you're going to get a bag of cookies. I'm just imagining the Mac King on a throne of mackerel. Yeah. I saw a guy who had a whole bag of mackerel. I don't know how many it was. Your commissary bag is a big mesh bag that can hold a ton of laundry.

It's a big fucking sack. He had one full of mackerel just hung up in his cube i like to think that the currency changes and he's fucked like damn it they moved to oysters the bottom fell out of the mackerel what was what was the like what would the biggest thing you could buy with a bunch of max be like what would well you were buying like goods and services you know or paying off debts you know because the people were gonna eat the max usually um but i'm trying to think yeah like what was the most you would spend like you know 40 max for a massage or you know i don't know what oh i don't know how much massage

would cost that would i didn't ask br, you have a different idea of a prison. The massages are free. They were given mostly against your will. You went straight to massage for some reason. I was trying to think of a service. I don't know. How much max for a blowjob? Here's one.

There's a guy who was the orderly who ran the big buffing machine that like polishes floors the big like industrial one yeah and for like two max he'll do your cube he'll come in there and he'll just polish the fuck out of your floor and your floor will be gleaming and clean and it's a big concern about a lot of guys were real concerned about the cleanliness of the floor because you walk into the bathroom wearing your sandals and you're going to step in piss. And then you're stepping back into your cube and stomping piss on your own floor. So now every time you get out of bed, you got to make sure you step into your sandals because the floor has piss on it, essentially, where you live. And so that's, so Greg every day would would pour shampoo on the floor take a towel and

soak it in water put it on the floor and then like scrub it around with his feet because he didn't want to pay wait wait so so you didn't have maybe this is naive but you didn't have two pairs of shoes a slider and like your shoe shoes so you could take your sliders off or whatever before walking into your room that's next, if you took them off, then you're walking in your socks and pissed that's in the hallway. No, he has two pairs of shoes, a dirty pair, and then you transition to the clean pair.

Yeah, I'm saying you're never without shoes on. Maybe right outside your cell is a clean pair. Outside the cell is pissed, too. So that's where you wear the dirty shoes. Then you get to your cell where it's a controlled environment and you switch to the cleanies. But you have to take cell where it's a controlled environment and you switch to the cleanies. But you have to take them off and then get to them and they're deep in your cell. It's kind of hard to explain, but that just won't work.

No, I got you. I had a pair of army boots. I had a pair of sneakers. I had a pair of shower shoes. And I had a pair of flip flops. I feel like you could mitigate the distance between your piss shoes, but I've not been to prison. You can't do it. You can't keep them right at the cell door.

You just accept that the floor is covered in piss. No, your shoes have to be put away in a certain space. Everything has to be hung in its own little place. Clothes get hung up a certain way. Lockers stay closed. Beds made. Nothing on the bed. Nothing on top of the locker. It up a certain way. Lockers stay closed. Beds made. Nothing on the bed. Nothing on top of the locker.

It's a whole thing. You know, they came through one day. The warden came through and opened the Indian guy's locker. And he had opened one of those cellophane bags of cookies. And to preserve them for later, he had put them in an old Folgers coffee plastic jar. She was like, contraband. Contraband for trying to preserve your cookies?

And I went, contraband? And I looked and she had something. I was like, what does that mean? Maybe he is a chomo. I expected to see some child porn or a picture of Snow's grandbaby with a dick in his

mouth or something some sort of dirty picture of a kid or something and it's a folgers jar with some strawberry cream cookies in it she's like contraband i'm just like i gotta get out of here do you get 40 years old did she did she steal Yeah, she took it. Unbelievable. He's like, how am I supposed to keep my cookies fresh? You know they were in the guard room later and they're like, free cookies, boys. And guess what?

They're fresh. They're smarter than you think. Kyle, so during your two months there, when new people rolled in, did they ever come and not start at the bottom? If I jump in there and I've got a big tattoo that says prison in an arc across my chest and whatever it is that... Prison? Yeah, yeah. One of my favorite YouTubers has that tattoo. I didn't make it up.

What? Yeah, yeah. 23 and lockup? I forget what it is. Anyway, do people roll in and they're obviously experienced prisoners and they're like, oh, don't worry.

Not only that, they roll in and they already have friends there. Oh, yeah. That's fucked up. You walk in and you're like, Charlie! I'm not fucking with him or Charlie. Whenever Block got there and became my cellmate for a short time before he moved to another cube, because he knew people on the other side of the dorm, they had been in Atlanta together. So they had been in the Atlanta camp, and now they were transferring to the Alabama camp.

And they knew each other from there. They were like, oh, yeah, what's going on back in Atlanta? This and that. A lot of them who had been there before knew each other because they were all doing so much time you know for four to twelve years and shit like that so they just knew each other and they recognized each other so yeah they sort of started out and like immediately got a job immediately they had privileges and like oh you need like it took me like four days to get shampoo at least you know i'm washing my hair with this bullshit made by deaf people soap i'm brushing my teeth with a toothbrush that was made by a guy with a wooden leg or something

and and i have no way of getting anything better but these guys are like oh yeah let's get you a fucking let's get you some colgate motherfucker you know they're they're hooking these guys up right away because they know them and shit yeah for sure they started out at like a level three prison rpg character it's not fair some people are just born with advantages yeah absolutely yeah they they they They had all their perks. They had... There's so many jokes. They had their Daedric armor.

They're starting out with fucking Daedric armor. Dude's got a fucking magic rings, magic necklace on. His smithing is already at level 100. He can repair any of the ebony armor, whatever he needs. He can make chinks. He can do several of the ebony armor whatever he needs he can make chinks he can do several of the

dragon yells, whatever they're called the foo-rah-soo foo-ro-dah he knows them all he's got everything he's all set he's already got a house in Whiterun he's good to go

he's got a house in Wh white run he's he's good to go he's got a house was there a was there like an overarching like a mob or like anything that you could be like this you could point to that body of people and be like they're the ones in charge of the entire just black people in general they didn't really have an organization um they they just uh just black people in general i would say it's about 75-80% black people And then it's white people Are definitely the minority And it didn't seem like there were a lot of young white people Mostly old white people there

And mostly young black people And mostly Yeah Do you think that that's mostly based Like Do you think that they're Like the age discrepancy is based off of like where the judge is setting them or like because you said that prisoners or people get to decide

like hey i'd like to transfer in 18 months do you think that like these people like the old white dudes were just like i want to go back to where i grew up you're like like what why do you think there's a i don't know i just noticed that a lot of the white guys a lot of the white guys were 50 to 60 50 to 70 years old um like a lot of them were 70 yeah there was a guy who was about 66 years old we called him mac he had served in fucking vietnam i think yeah he had uh yeah's nuts. Yeah. He was 66, 67, something like that, and he could barely walk. He had to use a walker to get everywhere. He couldn't go get his own food and stuff.

How long had he been in? Nine years, and I think he had two or three more to go. Damn. What was he? Do you know what he was in for, or was that just- It was a bribery thing, but I'm sure he... The fact that he got so much time would suggest to me anyway i didn't ask that he had priors of some kind i mean so do you did is there like some level of respect that people have or not respect but like generally like you don't just beat up the elderly you know like was there any like limit

that everybody was real nice to him uh snow would actually make that guy food or bring that guy his meals from the cafeteria every single day that guy never had to go to the cafeteria because snow would go to the cafeteria bring that guy his personal meal snow would and then snow would cook himself something so like that guy was getting his meal every day i was surprised when you were talking about how just not going to the cafeteria and cooking for yourself is an option. I would have thought that they force everybody to eat from the cafeteria, and there's a designated meal time, and I'm

basing all of this on the episodes of Oz that I watched. Yeah, there definitely is a designated meal time. They call you, and it's like, afternoon meal is now being served, afternoon meal, last call for afternoon meal. Dining hall is closed. You're like, fuck, I didn't hear the first.

I didn't know it was open. Tough shit. Are they listening? There's breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Breakfast is 6 a.m., then lunch is 10.30 a.m., and then dinner is 4 p.m., 4.30 p.m., something like that. And food's fine. Food's fine. I don't know. It p.m., something like that. And food's fine. Food's fine.

I don't know. It's cafeteria food like from high school. Was it on a previous PKA that we found the prison recipe book? Or was this something that I'm misremembering? If I didn't remember here. Maybe so. You know, while I was in there, I was a bit of an entrepreneur. So I was thinking like a commissary cookbook.

That is a money making idea. I'm assuming that I'm assuming that since none of you remembered this, this was something that I did at Pentagon. This guy had a was like, I'm a published author. So I looked up his name and his book and he literally had a commissary cookbook on like how to make like, like, uh, like apple cider. And it was like three, like Mike's like hot tamales with like hot water, steep it for like 20 minutes, 20 minutes and like pour it in with this hot cocoa kind of shit. But yeah, there's like a bunch of like convict cookbooks. Yeah. Yeah.

I thought I had come up with an original idea and then, you know, I would be in contact with Kitty contact with kitty like uh telling her what to send me and what to buy to send to my house it was waiting on me when i got out because i had all these things that i was planning to do when i got out and i still do you know i got an ice cream machine i don't know i really wanted some ice cream when i was in there so i got an ice cream machine i made some ice cream yesterday i got a bread machine hey homemade ice cream is great. Maple walnut is amazing. I pictured your house now being decorated with the soft serve machine. I'm like, he did? Motherfucker.

You really wanted ice cream. No, no. It's a big Cuisinart. Like a bread maker size thing. We have one actually. No rock salt in there. Get ice cream from the commissary. There is ice cream in the commissary, but I was no rock salt in there. No rock salt. Get ice cream from the commissary. There is ice cream in the commissary, but I was on a diet in there.

I was trying to lose as much weight as I could, so I was just eating. I ate 366 calories a day is what it averaged out to. I lost 35 pounds in two months. You only ate 360 calories a day? That was the average. That's insane. The normal diet calories is like 1,500 calories a day, Jim. How did you not?

I'm sorry. So like what food are you ingesting that is only 360 calories? Well, there were a lot of days where I didn't eat. And that's why I'm talking about the average. Then there was a day where I ate like three bowls of chili and that's 900 calories. That's crazy. No, you spoiled yourself that day. A bag of chili is only 300 calories. and then i'm putting stuff like sriracha

and jalapenos and salsa and all those things are super low calorie foods like like that's like an extra 60 calories sriracha jalapenos salsa bathroom time because for like two straight months you probably had the tiniest little poops there was there were points where i was so worried about my constipation that i thought I was going to have to tell somebody. I know the woman who can help with this. What were your breaks between poops? What was that like? How much time?

You won't believe me. No, tell me. What was the biggest break between the shit? Like 15 days. You went two weeks without shitting? Over two weeks. I was worried. And when they do the medical, like,

check out, she asks, have there been any changes in your bowel movements? And I'm like, nope. Kyle, 15 days is incredibly superhuman. It's for that same jaw surgery that I had way back. I was on an all-liquid diet

for two and a half months, and that's exactly what happened to me. I ate no calories, and I would shit every five or six days. You lose a lot of weight. That's nuts. Yeah, I lost a ton of weight. I lost like 25 pounds in two weeks. I was so worried. I was imagining

this shard of shit inside of my intestines that had hardened and could no longer make the turn. Like I was imagining like, like the handle of a baseball bat that had been broken off. And it was like, it was like 18 inches long and as stiff and as hard as a rock. And it was just, and I was just imagining...

And by this time, I had gotten prunes. Wings planted this thought in your head. Yes. The shit turned sideways. I was thinking about wings and Gangster Grandma the whole time. And I even bought prunes and raisin bran. And I'm sitting in bed eating dry raisin bran and washing it down with as much water as I... I'm trying to make this laxative.

Shit piece. Yeah. But nothing happens for three more days. And I just ate a whole bag of Raisin Bran. And I'm like, that's a lot of calories. I really just wanted to go. And then I ate a whole bag of prunes. And I'm just like, nothing.

And I'm thinking like, when I go, it's going to be scary. It's going to be like a lethal weapon. Keep flushing. They better not try to rape me. They're going to lose their dick. If they loosen this turd rocket up, they're going to be impaled and I'm going to be in here for murder. Mr. Myers, we understand you murdered a man with a shit weapon. Is that true?

That's what it says right here in the court document. Your Honor, there's no way he could have known that it hardened into such a shit weapon. Is that true? That's what it says right here in the court document. Your Honor, there's no way he could have known that it hardened into such a sharp shit inside. This is not a cognizant bowel. It happened, Stan. What was the shit like after the 15

days? It still wasn't... I was like, that's not it. That can't be all. I was like, that can't be all. I think that can't be all i was like it's i think i just like that was just like a like the tip of the of the bat like that can't be all of it because i'm still i was literally imagining the scenario in which like this turd would start coming out and i was gonna have to wrap my hand in toilet paper and grab it like a rope and start fucking pulling it out because that's what I was mentally

picturing that was inside of me. It had been so long. I wasn't eating much, but here's what I did. I was like, alright, in the last 15 days, I've had five bags of chili. They are 12 ounces each. I've had one bag

of cheese rice. I've had a bag of prunes and a bag of raisin bran and i'm just picturing what that looks like on a table and i'm like that is in my asshole right now and at some point it's coming out did you ever think like i'm running all day like maybe most of it's just being turned into energy i don't think that's how fucking science works. I don't know how it works. I don't know how it works either. I mean,

it kind of is, it kind of is like if you're burning more calories than you're, you're bringing in, then you lose weight. That's what you don't burn. But some of it is waste product. You know, some of it is waste product.

Absolutely. Yeah. Well, so what happened? What happened at the end? I eventually like took some big shits and it was, I got regular so that I was pooping every three days, but, but i never had like a daily poop because i was eating so little and i was so stressed out well that's that first shit after 15 days was it normal it was just totally

fine no there were no healthy shits in there they were just violent angry shits they were all chilly for they were all painful and dry like they i felt like they needed some lubricant. They were dry poops and they didn't want to come out. And I wanted to get out of there quickly. Yeah, it was... Don't go to prison, boys. Actually, parts of it sound like great fun, Taylor. Don't they?

I want to exercise with snow i want to do pull-ups imagining it the same way it's fun for me to imagine being like a marine and coming back from the shitty parts and everybody being like wow look at that guy me being like yeah you know it but like having to like kick open doors and shoot people i don't want any part of that i just want the stolen valor part there you go that's how you know it but like having to like kick open doors and shoot people i don't want any part of that i just want the stolen valor part there you go that's the perfect that's the great mentality to have yeah that's all that i want and before we uh we jump on to something new we're we're very overdue here we are gonna hear from our friends over at smart mouth all right everyone everyone hates talking to someone with bad breath. That humid, awful smell keeps you from focusing on anything

other than finding an excuse to leave. Now just think about all the times you were the gross, smelly one and the other person was thinking about trying to get away. You probably can't think of any examples. That's because we rarely have an accurate read on our own breath. In other words, you could be walking around with shit mouth and not even realize you're grossing everyone out. Is that part of the read?

No, they said trash mouth. I thought it was, uh, that's why smart mouth was invented. Smart mouth's clinically proven to liquid formula combines to instantly eliminate bad breath and prevent bad breath from returning all day. Rinse once in the morning for all day, clean breath.

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you shop. Once again, that's smartmouth.com slash pka for your coupon. Check them out. No one wants to have sex with people with bad breath. And in prison, I bet most people have bad breath, and so they would probably love that. It would improve your love life. Yeah, your prison love life

going through the roof. We need to get... People in prison were brushing their teeth a lot. We need to get smart mouth on commissary shelves. Have they even tapped into that market, Taylor? I'll have to ask. I don't think that's... 5% of America in prison

I made that number up but it sounds right another thing that you should look into and is bringing PKA to you right now is Squarespace this episode of PKA is brought to you by our good friends over at Squarespace from personal blogs and e-commerce destinations to marketing tools and analytics that will help your

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All right, first of all, you killed it the second time around. Second, that was like an 18,000 word read. That was an audio book. Well, see, it threw me off. Audio jungle. I got to where I thought the end was going to be, and then I'm like, that's not even close to the end. So I scrolled it up, and then it threw me off because I got to where I thought the end was going to be. And then I'm like, that's not even close to the end.

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Who is privacy? It seemed like maybe not everyone. When I do a who is and then your website name yeah oh who is privacy it seemed like maybe not everyone when i do a who is and then your website name like who is whatever painkiller.com then it tells me who owns the site if you have who has privacy then i don't see where you live and what your phone number is and all that stuff that is how a lot of youtubers got doxxed way back in the day everybody's a really great feature i had no idea that's what that meant. Yeah. Yeah. That is literally how a large portion of people that were content creators got doxxed because you could just who is and find out who owns the site if they didn't register it through the privacy side or if they didn't do it through like a third party company. So, I mean, so many, so many like 2015 2014 addresses were just just out there for everyone to see it was awful yeah so use that you want that use squarespace.com slash pka

you can make a website about culinary cookbooks bruce i was reading like uh chis linked us a bunch of stuff he's a huge funhouse fan and i hadn't i hadn't heard any before i'm sure you already know chis is such a huge fan but he was like he linked us a bunch of stuff and was like hey uh learn about this fella right here he's hilarious i was like all right and i went to your your wiki like this wikia page for not you know how like fandoms have wiki pages do i have a wikia page i don't know if it was wiki it was one of those but like one of the sections started with he's mostly famous for humping farting and laughing yeah that's like god damn why i won't anybody write something like that

about me those were from those those it's funny because like i haven't done that stuff on content in like three or four years. But it ends up being the thing that apparently I'm known for way, way back. At Machinima, for Inside Gaming, and even the beginning of Rooster Teeth stuff. Bro, who writes these fucking things? They're written by fans. Cool guys with lots of time. Awful.

I'm reading this shit. It's just bad. It's all really, really bad. What's bad? Is it the sentence structure? It's just like a lot of it's a lot of fake like dated or just like really weird information for example like my mind mindset like gives a detailed breakdown of why me and my ex-girlfriend of four from four years ago parted ways is it on the main no i mean it's just it was just like well why is that even is there a hint of truth yes i'm just i'm looking at i'm like i'm like why is this even involved like why are the circumstances of a breakup involved in

like the overall like biography of my work like there was like there was a long time ago uh tucker i i wrote a bio or like a biography for myself that was a joke basically like i said that i was i was in a coma and then i woke up and i was a radio dj etc so like i added some truth to some lies just for fun because i had written this biography for i forget what it was for i think it was originally back when i worked at g4. And that has gotten propagated into other Wikia pages where it says I was in a coma and all this other bullshit that's totally fake and a complete

and total lie. Honestly, that sounds great. You should just keep running with that. I'm going to start telling Bruce, God bless his soul, was in a coma for a couple years. He's back with us now. We can do that if you want. I wrote it so long ago that I thought it was a joke because i thought i was kidding around right and now now it's all over the internet as truth so i'm sure you guys know exactly how that yeah

not on quite the scale but yes yeah i'm sure kyle does i'm sure kyle knows a little bit a little bit yeah yeah that's just it's a it's such an interesting culture, I think. Obviously, I'm not complaining about this because we all have benefited from working on the internet, but at the same time, it's interesting how people would rather just speculate and then just sit there and make shit up about your life

and then that gets pushed years and years down the line as it's totally fake. Even if you try and fix it, it doesn't matter. They had other forms of propaganda about you on there saying that, oh, he never shaves his body hair. He's so hairy.

I'm looking at you right now and you look to be a totally normal level of hairy. I'm hairy, but also I have shaved my body hair before. Is the wiki that's on Fandom, is that an official Wikipedia? That's not official.

People can just write anything there. I just went to Wings of Redemptions to see what was going on over there. It's all written by fans. Yeah. I found Wings of Redemptions. I just googled to see if I was on any of those and my page. I'm so fucking insignificant

The whole bio just says placeholder And the quote is left he quit being a cunt and Little wiki is this is well our fandom is real cruel let me try to find the other one jesus it is weird it's weird right fandom is hilarious bruce fans yeah you know what you know what you should do is start a series where you read all the fanfic of you like i found one with you and adam kovic uh actually you know what in fact everyone's in here uh we got we got lawrence yeah we got joel rubin in here oh yeah everybody in there yeah and this has chapters read it if it's funny so tucker i'll tell you this you can read the fan

fiction afterwards but we've done this so we did this on our own podcast where we we picked out fan fiction that that fans had written about us and then we read it because we thought it was funny right we thought it was really funny that like We thought it was really funny. But like, you know, me and James or whatever having gay sex. And it's all written pretty funny. However, when we read it, a bunch of fans told us after the podcast, don't read the fanfic.

And we were like, what do you mean? Why not? And they're like, because this is for us. This isn't for you. It's for us. And we were like, but it's about us i don't give a fuck it doesn't it doesn't make any sense i don't care well no yeah i get it they also put it on the dumb they put it on the internet well yeah it was weird because they put it on the internet too in my opinion if you put anything on the internet it's immediately public to everybody that's just

what happened all right well let me just read a fucking please go right ahead two and a half paragraphs this is chapter one so i i don't even want to keep going adam makes a strange sound in his throat as he let his as he lets his hand drop down the couch again and then he's watching matt matt who's feeling him up hands rough against the sensitive skin of his inner thighs hey matt mumbles let me see hmm let's show the camera what you look like, baby. He says smoothly as he nudges Adam's feet up on the edge of the couch. Lead spread wide enough to expose him to the camera. And Adam covers his face.

God, he breathes. This is he trails off and his dick gets harder. Leaks against his belly. And Matt lets out a little amused huff as he moves aside. This is four paragraphs into chapter. This is, this is, this is four paragraphs into chapter one. Dude, this is fucking hot.

Where this can go is, is, is scary. Now I should have known. Cause the title is now you naked, naked, naked, naked.

That is the title of the fanfic. Yeah, this is, this is normal. I mean like there, there are, there's a lot, there are tumblers about all of us fanfic. Yeah, this is normal. I mean, like, there are... Yeah, there's a lot. There are Tumblrs about all of us, I'm sure,

that you can go and look at if you ever... I don't know if you guys ever do that, if you ever, like... Because I never do. But I have been shown... I've never done that, but, like, I just... There are sites everywhere. I have been shown Tumblrs of myself, and I'm like, I don't know...

And like I told you, they say it's not for us it's not for the people that it's about when I take dick pics it's also not for me but it's still about me and it still concerns me never put your face in it Tucker if I've told you once I've told you a thousand times I sign all of my dick pics

I put my name next to it I put my social on there just so they know. On your dick. I usually just have to initial, but I get the sentiment. I write my full name out with middle name. Just want to make sure somebody can identify. Kids names, wife name.

I put it as this room. Are you guys actually worried about having a dick pic exposed on the internet of yourself no i've only ever taken a dick pic once with my face in it and it was like to send to a girl and and that when i took it i was like about to send it and i'm like jesus what are you thinking? I had that cognitive moment where I'm like, oh, thank God you didn't do that. And then I retook it. I've never taken one with my face in it. Jesus, what are you thinking? You've got to trim first. There's plenty

I'm sure of my face and my dick in them everywhere. However, of of my face and my dick and in them everywhere uh however and none of the ideas like well i would hope not because i'm not sending them to like a tinder date that i met once you know it's like people that well we are very different people people but in my in my mind like having my dick pic leaked as long as it wasn't just some awful, like I've tied a bow around it and I'm like, you know, like,

like in a Santa Claus out, you know, like as long as it was like a fairly normal one that I seem like, I feel like if you remember the, the fappening when all the eye clouds got hacked and like Jennifer Lawrence, his asshole was out there everywhere. We all saw there was, yeah,

we all did. Um, fine butthole. There was one person.. We all saw. Yeah, we all did. Fine butthole. There was one person, I can't remember whom, was literally just went on Twitter and was like, yep, it's my tits, that's my ass. Like, what are you going to do about it? And, you know, if you own it,

there's a YouTuber, Cal Freezy, had his nuts leaked because his Twitter was hacked and for some reason he had sent a picture of him in the bathtub with his nuts in his hand. Just his nuts? Just his nuts. That's fucking weird, dude. That's weird. That's a red flag.

That's weird. It was a joke. It was like the caption, I believe, was, it's bath time, boys. And he had sent it to us. Okay. Okay. I understand all that. That's hilarious.

This guy is a champ. That's what I said. Yeah. And so he just, I'm pretty sure, I may be misremembering this, but I'm pretty sure he just said, like, after like six hours of it being up there, he gets his Twitter back and he goes, y'all just looked at a photo of my nuts and then posted the photo again. And I was like, okay, like, what are you going to do?

Be like, I mean, you already saw the nuts. It's like, you own it. And that's, I'm not too worried about it. I would way rather have a dick pic of mine flow out there into the public than a picture of how truly terrible my fucking midsection and fat is right now. Because that's that would be humiliating to just for a picture of all my fat out there. Oh, I'd hate that. I'd much rather a dick pic. Yeah, I wouldn't really care.

Yeah. Yeah. I think it's easier to own it for guys though you know i mean i guess just like yeah it's my dick bro i'm with taylor i think flattering is easy to own boy or girl unflattering is hard to own which isn't far from what you said really yeah i just said i just you know like as as long as it wasn't something like meant for the confines of me and my current girlfriend's like weird fetishes and you know i have to explain away for two decades i thought it was normal to take flaccid dick pics who knew not a joke boys what he was taking soft ass dick wait what why would you i wasn't really taking dick but i didn't know there was one time on the show because i did think this that you were supposed to take a soft dick pic but you know maybe just pre-hard on so it was the best up a little bit yeah it was the best softy that you could create and every girl and I mentioned this on the show and people were like, what?

Why are you taking soft dick pics? I didn't know the rules. All that girl would think is like, oh, well, I guess the tit pic I just sent him didn't turn him on very much. He was like 3 out of 10. It was like a rebuttal. If I'm not mistaken, that's quarter chub.

Yeah. Man, that's tough. That's why you need blue chew. That's why you need blue chew. See, if I'm going to have a dick pic leak, I hope it's when I'm on blue chew so they can see how taut and turgid my cock is.

Turgid. If my dick is turgid, I'm going to see a doctor. Is it turgid or turgid? I don't know. I think it is turgid, I'm going to see a doctor. Is it turgid or turgid? I thought it was turgid. I don't know. I think it is turgid. It's got to be turgid. Well, I'm Googling it.

But if someone mispronounces something, I assume they learn by reading and it's okay. Oh, it's my turgid cock. That's a great word, though, Taylor. Swollen and distended or congested. My cock is turgid for you, Margaret. My cock needs to sneeze. It's congested. Look at that tumescent picture I just sent.

There you go. So tumescent. Using classy-ass words to describe a dick pic is so funny. Check out my turgid and tumescent cock. It's so engorged with blood. It's so engorged with blood. It's so engorged. It's bigly. That's a man that owns a thesaurus.

Did he right click and find synonym? Dude, I used to use the fuck out of that tool in high school where it was like it was very good and you know just right click vary and a billion words show up it was outstandingly significant you're like and then you like read through it later and it's like this doesn't make any goddamn sense yeah man high school high school was both a ton of fun and also awful terrible

because like trying to like at the time you don't know the level of freedom you're not experiencing because that's just life it seems oppressive okay and then now thinking about going back it's like fuck that seems awful really have you yeah wow. It's exactly the opposite for me. I want to go back to high school. I mean, in high school, I had no responsibilities at all. No, no, no. You have to put yourself in the position where you did have responsibilities. And just like your job, they had real world consequences. Like, I don't know what kind of student everybody was,

but I was attempting to be a good one. So the thought of like, like, I would fake sick to stay home from school to play like games, maybe like once a quarter, I could get away with it. And every single time that I would go back to school the next day, I was just like, why the fuck did I do like, this is now I got to do all this extra homework.

I got to catch up on the coursework. Like I would never go back. I enjoyed college infinitely more than the one year that I went. For sure. I had college infinitely more the one year that I went. Oh, for sure. I had so much more free time and stuff like that. But, like, looking back, I would never go back to that. That is awful compared to the freedom that I have as an adult. Even if I have less, like, free time, like, the free time I have, so much more fun.

Yeah. For sure. Oh, wow. So, go ahead, Woody. What are your thoughts, Bruce? Well, I want to well i want to hear what he first because i think what is along with me if i were to do high school again right this is the adult i'd be good at it right now there's some things i can't fix i can't be bigger

and stronger and that was an issue for me you guys might not know i hit puberty at like 16 or something it was awful right i broke a hundred pounds i broke a hundred pounds as a sophomore in high school. So that's not going to fix it. I'm still going to have this thing to overcome where everyone can beat me up, and that kind of sucks. But I don't know. I'd never talk my way into trouble because I'd just be a little wiser about that. I'd manage my workload. It's not that hard to get good grades in high school.

And I've actually got a lot more education. So I learned how to do well at school, and I didn't know the first time through. If I were to do high school again, I think I'd just be more successful in almost every regard. It wouldn't be so bad. College, that might be the peak. If I could do college again, like when I went to day school,

I'd be really good at that. It's not even that hard to do well in college grades. And then, you know, like the social part of it, I did well there. Masters? Fuck that. It was really hard for me to do well. I, like, it,

that was all the cognitive horsepower I had just to keep pace with the class. And I, it took, it was a lot lot of work i was happy when it was done and demotivated to do any more school it was the same with me it was when i finished college that was exactly so like high school for me was weird because i could in in high school i had no problem with my senior year of high school which is the only thing i really remember about high school anyways was my last year and it was simple like i just skated through it straight a's no problem um and i was i was getting making friends and i finally had sort of

come into my my own of the fact that i knew who i was and knew that i could talk to people etc etc but i went to college all of a sudden there was an oppressive responsibility on me and really yeah i don't know what it was as soon as i got to college i was like oh fuck i gotta get a degree i have to make sure that i'm working 40 hours a week in addition to getting a degree and it was all of these things all piled on me and uh computer science was a was a rough degree and it wasn't like it was hard but it was also just a lot of work in general um and so when i got out of college i felt like you woody i was like done with it i was like never going back to college i was i couldn't wait to get to the workforce because i hated school i hated the system uh i hated the way

um teachers could affect your grade whether or not you were doing good work or bad work i hated all that shit uh so for so for me high school is always always easier i don't know why i'm not sure but i so so it was it was fine but when i went from high school to college so high school take it with a grain of salt because i only went to one year of college so it was all the gen eds but also in high school like i had a very different experience because i was an hour away from my high school and it was a private school but it was not like a non-denominational one it was like the most relaxed non-prep school that you could think of it was a quaker school it was just like yeah you know whatever um so that was like basically

in my head i was at school from 6 45 until 6 p.m every day and then i had to drive home and all this shit um but like you were there in in some capacity like at school working at school doing things related to school for at minimum eight hours a day. And then I went to college. It was the easiest, most enjoyable transition I've had. Cause you have three to four hours of classes every day and maybe three to four hours of homework. If you were taking like some serious courses, you know, some like 401s. Um, and like, I just realized, Oh oh if i'm just working at pace i'm still with three three-ish hours of free time more than i would have had in high school just in terms of like the things that

i'm doing academically which you know and then you have like the communal aspect i would much like i sort of not regret but like i wish that i would have been able to in a different path go through the entirety of college because it was so much easier more like put together than than high school was which was like like drill sergeant like you're here you're here you're here college is like choose your class time choose what you kind of want to do like what are you interested how much work do you want to put in if you don't do a stem major like if you're not doing engineering or or like a double physics or something like college is easy shit like it's really not that they don't make as much money if you have to drop out they don't want anybody dropping out they want paying customers the whole way through and so they have a vested

interest in keeping it pretty fucking easy i'm thinking about my high school so bruce doesn't know but i had a 1.98 gpa when i graduated it's always a terrible student yeah and i just didn't try i didn't do anything and you'd think a guy that fucked about in high school the whole time was kind of carefree but that's not how it really was it was just always this like pressure of failure, pressure of not doing well. And I didn't respond by working harder. I just responded by like dodging more, putting it aside, procrastinating. And it turned into this sort of cycle of awfulness that wasn't like, it wasn't a pleasurable way to go through school. The adult me would have been able to get good grades without, you know, killing myself. I mean, you learned about how to manage that throughout your college and your work.

So I guess it makes sense that you'd be able to look back and be like, yeah, I kind of know how to manage that better. By the time I got two undergrads and one master's, by the time I finished that, I became a good student. But I was just slow to pick it up, slower than Taylor, who I think did well in high school. Yeah, I did real good in high school but like that's because i'm so anal about shit like i would even in college i'd like want to it's because i like it in my ass because i like being molested by prison strongmen better than sounding yeah but like like i just didn't get it like i had so many friends

that ended up dropping out because they've failed too many classes where they'd be like hey taylor come on let's go get fucked up i'd be like it's thursday at 11 15 a.m like what even if we did right now what would we do later tonight just feel sad and shitty and fall asleep early like why have you have you guys been to your uh this is gonna this is i'm showing my age so my 10 year anniversary for high school is in two years and so i am you show me your your puppy carry on yeah yeah that was that mine was this oh i misunderstood i thought you were like you know i'm getting up there no no i'm not i'm saying like hey you know, I'm getting up there. No, no, I'm not. I'm saying like, hey, you know, I have not hit that that moment. But like part of me is very excited because I will absolutely be making that trip across across the country on my own dollar to just see what everybody is up to.

But on the other side, it's also like like like in like what's the level of like parading around that you do there? You know, like, cause I know specifically that there are a couple of people that, um, were, you know, very popular in the top of the class and all that stuff who just, who did a sit in prison and rehab and they're going to be there cause they live with their parents. And it's just like, like, what's the proper approach to that? You just walk in and you're like, got a huge dick. Honestly, it's

just giant or like i mean not that i would do that it's just like a very confusing environment because you're i haven't seen any of these people in 10 years well you show up in a helicopter and you just throw money at all the p.m you have no you have woody deliver you by paramotor that's not as cool as no. No, I was just curious. He's like, the fact that I'm strapped into your front backpack makes this less cool. Is this a baby Bjorn? Yeah.

Did you just show up in Bjorn? Me and my good friends in high school, we still keep in touch. We're still good buddies. I still have a group of us. Yeah, the group is good. For the longest time, in our group texts, I'd be be like when the fuck is our high school uh 10-year reunion because i graduated high school in 09 and so it was this year and you're only two years older than me yeah

only two years older just and and so i like we were all shit talking about like ah nobody's setting it up nobody's setting it up and then i was at a friend's wedding like two weeks ago. Also a high school friend's wedding who isn't in our group chat, not as close. And I was like, man, fucking sucks. Nobody had a high school reunion for us, right? And he's like, oh, no, that happened. Like, we had a high school reunion. Did you not join, like, the Facebook group?

Oh, did you not get invited? I don't do Facebook. And so I just missed out on it. And apparently, none of the people of my immediate friends got invited, even though at least half of them do Facebook. And so that just means we were the cool kids. That's what that means. They like you so much.

They don't want those cool guys to bring drugs and alcohol even though we're 28 now so tucker i know the answer you're looking for yeah what's i'm curious i peacocking at a high school reunion doesn't make you cool so what is right what is right it was it was more like it was more like what it maybe i phrased that wrong is it uncomfortable like should i just not go because i don't necessarily like the people that i the people that i immediately care about my my my close group of friends they have been out you know visited me we've we've hung out we hung out uh this year so like the people that i actually give a shit about and do keep in touch with i've already seen them right I see them every

year if I can it's like what's the point of going to the high school reunion in general and is it even like just go be friendly take an interest I want to see who got fat who died nobody's died in my class which is nuts

that is pretty crazy I have a hundred person small class though take an interest in other people see what's up enjoy your night be friendly you'll have a good time that's it so my 10-year high school reunion uh was awesome um i because i got to see three or four people that i hadn't seen in a while and they're great and i love them when i saw them we connected but the rest of the people there, I had a huge graduating class, about a thousand kids. And,

uh, Christ. Yeah. And we, there were only about 150 people there. So the 150 people that I knew there were like, I kind of sort of knew them a little bit. So what I did was got super fucking drunk with my friends,

got super fucking drunk. We all then did what, what he just said, which is like, go up and like talk to people and be like, Oh, what's going on? Like, I recognize you.

How are things going? Et cetera, et cetera. I just sort of inquired to see how people were doing and what was happening. And then I guess really, if you if you walk away from it and you sort of use it as a measuring stick of where everybody is in their life versus where you are, maybe that's something that you can do. For me, it was like I was like i was like okay well i'm on pace you know no so i had i know this is not standard but we had a five-year reunion which is the most irrelevant thing in the world because everybody should just be getting out of college right so i went to that one because my parents were still living in baltimore and again like the people that showed up to the, the way that

my high school did it was they did it with 10 year chunks. So there was a five year, a 10 year and a 15 year all at the same time. Um, so I wouldn't know 70% of the people there, right? Like they would be literally five years older than me. So they weren't even in the same like class bracket as me so it was just like a select group of people um in my age group that that had showed up and then they did like a after bar party thing where you know you could go to for just my specific age group and to that a lot of people showed up who were local who were you know visiting family whatever and it was that point i was like why did i come like what's the point of going to reunions when everybody's just kind of like i'm just still

trying to like find a foothold and figure out what i'm trying to do even 10 years which is in two years still feels kind of short in terms of like like i know what i'm doing and like i've got these people have like three years of experience and whatever they're doing i get it but it just seems a little bit premature to get involved with anybody and be like, so what are your plans for the next 10 years? You know what I mean? I literally just wanted to see who got fat. That's okay.

Dude, that was so disappointing. My high school, fucking well preserved. Like I thought I was going to go back there as a not fat person, right? Especially in 2001. And nobody was fat everybody was all the women were hot all the guys were fit like i just leave this isn't nearly as hilarious as i was imagining we're out of here jack yeah like dates were commenting like this class is well preserved you know no one went down

on the hill yet no yeah that's what happened to me i was in santa barbara and i showed up to the santa barbara high school reunion everybody's fucking hot and like they look they look amazing i'm like yeah all right you know like i'm still a fucking nerd i always wonder if it's like a a geographical thing because i find it hard like santa like going to socal events and stuff like that, people are too attractive down here, whether they immigrated or whatever. People just tend to look too good. Thank you, Tucker.

Thank you very much. I appreciate that. I'm in a hotel lobby feeling underdressed. What's the dress code for a lobby? Nothing. Right? But I'm like Baltimore. I would hope that some people have at least fallen off the cliff a little bit.

That's what I was thinking. St. Louis. People have to fall off. It's a depressing city to be in a lot of the time. Just because the Blues won the Stanley Cup doesn't mean people aren't degenerates. They're all imports, mostly. They're all imports, truly. No, not a lot of imports in this city.

We haven't talked about the Braves game. Oh, the Braves game. I know nothing. Help me out. The Cardinals. No, no, no. You're thinking of the Falcons from a couple years ago. All I saw was a post of a game that showed the Braves and the Cardinals,

and it was 28-3, which was the score of the Monday Night Football Browns game. That was a mean. The actual score to the game was 13-1 in favor of the Cardinals, and it was 28-3, which was the score of the Monday Night Football Browns game. That was a mean. The actual score to the game was 13-1 in favor of the Cardinals. And I was sitting doing work at my desk as the game started, and it started at like 4 p.m. here, and so I couldn't do anything. And I went to the game every so often. I refreshed it once, said one to nothing. And then I was like, oh, nice.

Cardinals are up. Went back, did some work for 15 minutes. Went back, refreshed it again. Nine to nothing? Ugh, my stupid fucking ESPN app is messing up again. I refreshed it. Or no, it was seven to nothing when I refreshed it. And then it went to nine to nothing.

I was like, that's bullshit. So I pulled my my phone went out just to google and was like cardinals versus braves score nine to nothing and then it got to ten to nothing this is top of the first top of the top of the first it's apparently the first time in major league baseball history that every runner of one team scored in the top of the inning every cardinals player scored they batted the entire lineup they were up 10 to nothing at the top of the first and i texted in our group chat and i was like man this game is crazy i don't like i don't give a fuck about baseball like man this game is crazy and kyle just sends back I don't give a fuck about baseball. I'm like, man, this game is crazy.

And Kyle just sends back, fuck you. With a period at the end, so I knew he meant it. I knew he meant that, fuck you. And I was like, oh, shit, this is probably not a good time to be teasing Kyle. But, yeah, and it was funny because even on the previous PKN. I almost went. You should not. Good move not going. But I was, even on the previous i almost went you you should not good move not going but i was even on the previous pkn like i'm still so high over the blues winning the stanley cup like hockey's the only

sport i give a fuck about that i was like you know it'd be nice if the braves kind of made it and then they had a nice run and won this world series and then kyle and i would both have like a championship run this year nope nope they Nope. They got absolutely molested. A couple of chomos went in there and. And so, yeah, that's the most embarrassing score to a game. Like how's the series?

A better record than us. It's over. It's over. It was game five. The Braves had a two to one series lead. And then the cards won the fourth. Oh, these are forced to game five cards win the Braves had a two to one series lead and then the cards won the fourth game these are forced to game five yeah it's playoff baseball and then the cards absolutely humiliated them in game five shit yeah and now I'm going to like the baseball subreddit and

apparently it's a meme where they're like why are the postseason cardinals so terrible why do they win everything these fuckers and it's like oh that's that's kind of nice i've just been reading all the blue stuff over the years where they're like i'm just sad and i want to kill myself guys so yeah what did you have to say kyle about it did you watch it when you when you messaged me i immediately checked the score on my espPN app. I thought the same thing. Shit ESPN app. That's got to be the football score or something. 7-0 in the first.

Maybe this is the total scoring from the first four games. We've scored more than one run. Oh, God, no. And I was, fuck you. Fuck you. I went and just took a nap. Just took an angry nap. I was so upset. I was like, you know,

maybe we'll get a decent team this year. No, no, no. I knew better. I knew better long ago. I have been talking about, like, since months and months,'ve been like yeah the braves aren't gonna do anything they're not gonna do any fucking thing they never do any fucking thing so fuck them i mean you took this sounds like an atlanta fan to me yeah you took the same

approach i did with the blues where throughout the entire run i'm just they're gonna fuck it up they're gonna ruin it they're gonna what they do and you know they ended up winning so at least you weren't uh a fan of the second worst team in the entire league the baltimore orioles who went 54 and 108 have a team wow so you want to know how i stopped caring about baseball was after the 18th losing season for the baltimore orioles when i turned. And I looked at my dad and I was like, I'm done playing this game and I'm done going to these fucking games. They suck. Like we go to the Tampa Bay devil rates prior to this,

prior to the major league world series that they went to. So it was like the two worst teams in the league. 13 people are there. We paid $7. We walked down to like the box seats, sat there. Nobody gives a shit. Cause we're ordering food. They're just like,

please give us some money. It was so miserable. When was the last time the Orioles won the World Series? 1993. Oh, that's been... I'm not even a baseball fan at all.

No, I'm sorry. 1983. Oh, God. That's I'm sorry. 1983. That's a lot worse. There we go. People here are so fucking spoiled that they'll be like, oh, the cards have sucked for a while now. And it's like, we won a World Series eight years ago and went six years ago. You spoiled baby. That's how I feel every time a Patriots guy, like the Patriots. Patriots fans. No no they didn't get a

they didn't get a buy just fuck the entire Northeast you know what I'm saying just wipe it out the Patriots fans were insufferable because they had missed a buy in the playoffs for the first time like six years and people were like

this is just inconceivable like we've played so much better than all these other teams i'm like you guys missed the bye first round the first round bye for playoffs yeah like shut the fuck up i get so mad they win two games i hate it uh they i think they ended up winning the entire uh uh really or fucking stanley cup jesus super bowl yeah i don't know we're talking about so many sports. I've got so much sports in my head. You guys are over here talking about cups and championships. As a Sixers fan, Ben Simmons hit a three-pointer.

Do you guys know anything about this? I saw that. The fuck China three-pointer. First in his career. Yes. Top of the RNBA. This guy's an all-star player. He's very, very good at basketball.

He's outstanding. Never takes jumpers, though. But he plays a position where normally a three-point shot would be essential. Somehow he manages to be very good, even though he can't hit a three. And he's playing the Chinese Lung Lu Lions, or something close to that. Oh, the Lung Lu Lions. Albeit, listen, hold on. Let me put contextualizing.

This is during the issue where I think one NBA team owner had spoken out in favor of Hong Kong, right? So they're playing the Chinese team at home, and this happens. Yeah, and I think Joel Embiid passed it to him or whatever, but he gets the ball. No one's guarding him because you don't need to guard him when he's on that side of the three-pointer. And Joel's like, shoot it.

Still no one comes around to bother. Shoot it. He's encouraging, like, go, do it. And he's just like a step back, I'll make it up, 40-footer, deep, not by the three-point line, he's deep. And he nails it. Nothing but net. RNBA on Reddit went bonkers.

The post is like the fourth highest rated post in NBA history. It got like $600 worth of gilding. 28 times platinum. All these golds. They're going crazy because this silly. Even better, it's a preseason game. It doesn't count. He's never hit a three in his entire life.

It's not NBA competition. And it was basically at the half. So Joel gives them the ball. But at the half, they were up like 80 to 40. No, they were up 41 points. All right? 41 points at the half, and they give him the ball, and he's got 10 seconds to do anything else with

this ball, but shoot it. And he just sits there dribbling it. He tried not to like mulled over every person in that stadium gets up and they're just, you can hear it. It's like a, it's like a playoff game.

Everybody's like, shoot. Like I've never heard anybody go off for, for a 41. went wild everyone's cheering the sixers bench gets up like they just won game seven it was a very big moment six years i i don't even think we have to play this season now that he's a three-point champ uh i think he's hit 100 of his threes he's literally he's never taken one before even zero

I don't know if he's taken them but he's never made one which is like such a weird not weird but very interesting stat for a point guard just in general if you've played the game that long you would expect that you would have at least once

chucked up a three didn't the new bowl hit 11 threes one night yeah If you've played the game that long, you would expect that you would have at least once chucked up a three. Didn't Manu Boll hit 11 threes one night? Yeah. The fact that he has avoided doing so until this point was great, and it just culminated with the whole backlash of Hong Kong and shit. I know it's not Kyle's time, but I want to talk about that with – well, I mean, Taylor's going to have some choice words. That is nuts. So the whole Overwatch League, I'm sure you've seen about that., uh, well, I mean, Taylor's going to have some choice words that is not.

So the whole like overwatch league, I'm sure you've seen about that. Uh, I would need to catch up. I've only seen. Okay. Yeah. So, uh,

Hearthstone grandmaster, one of the, like one of the best people in Hearthstone, a la chess grandmaster, like a competitor there during, um, in, in Hong Kong during a blizzard sanctioned tournament wears a gas mask

and says free Hong Kong the interviewers two of them on this blizzard sanctioned event duck down behind their monitors so their face is not available to to be shown right which is like I guess like normal for people who are protesting and don't want to get involved like don't show my face in case whatever facial recognition issues right right blizzard hong kong cuts the broadcast deletes all vods tries to delete all the clips dmcaing every site that runs it blizzard comes out and apologizes to china says hey we're sorry about this like this is doesn't stand for us fires the two casters that have that had no discernible reason to be like oh this guy's gonna promote hong kong fires we did come up with a gas mask right no well yeah

tucker you heard about that though right they're innocent bystanders no no they they for what i heard they told the casters, basically the guy told the casters, I'm going to do this. And the casters were like, okay, cool. Oh, I did not hear that. So that's fine. That's what I read. Either way, go ahead.

Yeah, either way. So they fired the casters. They removed the guy from the Hearthstone League for 12 months. He can no longer compete. Retroactively removed all of his prize money from any tournament that he's won um and then issued a giant apology so basically like blizzard which previous to i guess this moment was like one of the bastions of like we support individual free speech and movement we're talking about hong kong kyle i mean uh

taylor oh hong kong so well i mean uh taylor oh hong kong so well yeah the hong kong hong kong and blizzard the whole blizzard thing um like retroactively removed his prize money all this shit banned him from competition like bent over backwards and the crazy thing is that a lot of people were going like oh it's because Tencent owns 10 to 15 percent or no, five to 10 percent of the Overwatch League of excuse me, a Blizzard and Activision. What's nutty is that not nutty. It's it's it's like it's there's two things. One, like Tencent owns 100 percent of Riot Games. They own League of Legends.

Tencent is the sole owner now of Riot Games. Tencent is a Chinese person, a Chinese company. What if Tencent is a government owned Chinese body? If you want to distribute your game in China, you have to have. I'm so sorry if this is like not verbatim, like the truth, but you have to give up some percentage of your company to Tencent, which is a government owned. The big thing like Call of Duty Mobile developed and published by Tencent, which is a government owned, the, the, the big thing like Call of Duty mobile developed and published by Tencent, um, League of Legends, like Blizzard Activision, pretty much almost any major mobile game you're playing is Tencent developed. So it's like, they're part of

their way of like getting involved. Reddit is on 10% by Tencent. Um, so if you want your media distributed in China, like you have to go through the Chinese government via Tencent. So if you want your media distributed in China, you have to go through the Chinese government via Tencent. So they do all this whole thing. They ban this guy. Then they're doing a collegiate Hearthstone tournament. I think it's the American University or somebody.

They're in the middle of this game. They just bring over a sign and it just says, Free Hong Kong. They just hold it right there 15 seconds of that on there they cut the tournament they delete the feed and then blizzard walks it back and they say hey we're not going to punish you for that like you can still compete so american university goes fuck you like we're gonna pull out of the entire season if you're not going to punish us the same way you're gonna punish the person

that's living in Taiwan and protesting their actual physical thing. That university is now pulled out of the Overwatch League. Any Blizzard sanctioned event that's being livestreamed on a Blizzard channel is just filled with free honk. Like, the Streisand effect.

You want it to not be spoken about, right? So, but the one weird like caveat that i see on on on the internet is people keep trying to tie it into tense it being like well oh tense it owns x amount of percentage of like whatever like you you got to be careful the real thing is that go look at the overwatch viewership numbers from prior to china chinese uh adaptation and then with the chinese adaptation the average viewership for like average average across the entire tournament concurrent viewership without china was 2 million concurrent viewers across the entire western world with china

it was 47 million now you can like make a point and being like oh like maybe they gas the numbers or whatever but like a market of 1.2 billion people which are are like all growing up with like esports is their football or baseball whatever the fuck yeah one right like it is in it is in such an absurd powerhouse in terms of like the economic weight that they can throw around that like what like it's it's an awful situation but like i'm not shocked that blizzard did this i wouldn't be shocked if you know if if riot did this it's just a weird it's not a weird it's an awful situation that's why every sport is trying to branch out into china everything's trying to branch out into china they're getting the nba

i got an nba thing but okay i know i was gonna say that let me wrap it up real quick so then uh james harden who's been very vocal james harden is one of the top nba players very vocal in support of uh colin kaepernick who's been you know the front runner for like protesting nfl in terms of like kneeling for the national anthem brutality whatever fucking just shut his mouth when asked directly about it and did not and ignored all questions involving hong kong and protests involved with that because he's getting that fat fucking chinese check he like this is the guy that's standing out there and trying to wave the flag and saying like i support anybody's ability to protest and then when money comes to

it he just sits there and he's quiet and he waits until the reporters remove it's fucked up so here i want to say this about the nba so the nba as you know the gm from i forget which team uh said something about you know pro hong kong pro pro hong kong and china got very angry they cut the broadcasting to all these games that the nba was going to have so now they're still playing them but no one's watching the broadcasting's cut. China has an issue with the NBA, and they were sort of going well. People were interested in the NBA, and now they're not. NBA teams are, you know how they plan the salary cap and what they can do? I can pay you a max contract, but if the salary cap goes up,

suddenly I can get other max contract players in here. Well, they expect it to shrink. They're planning out what happens if the salary cap drops by 5, 10, 15 percent and what kind of moves they'll be making in the end. Who knows what comes true. Solely due to China, they're anticipating the salary

cap plummeting. They're planning contingencies in case the salary cap goes down, how they're going to manage their team Because you can't even have the same players next year You've got to start getting rid of people Interesting times I love the tweet From the South Park guys

Did you see that? Wait, which was incredible timing South Park had literally aired an esports Version of this called Wait, band Band B-A-N-D-I-N So the South Park had literally aired an e-sports version of this called, um, wait, uh, band,

band, band, band, B-A-N-D-I-N, China band in China, but obviously, you know, bands in China. South Park is now entirely banned in China.

Yes. South Park cannot be aired in China because this episode, but it literally like one week prior to this all was just about China throwing its economical weight in Western media, esports, whatever. Like, they have an Overwatch section in that video. It was a great episode.

They said, I'm pulling up the exact quote. Like the NBA, we welcome the Chinese censors into our homes and into our hearts. We, too, love money more than freedom and democracy. Xi doesn't look just like Winnie the Pooh at all.

Tune into our 300th episode this Wednesday at 10. Long live the great Communist Party of China. May this autumn sorghum harvest be plentiful. Are we good now, China? What kind of harvest? Say it again. Sorghum. I don't know what that is.

I think it's a plant. I think it's like a syrup that you get from a plant. I don't know if the meme existed before that tweet or if it's because of that tweet, but I am seeing pictures of Ji, whatever his name is, on Winnie the Pooh all the time.

Matt or Woody, sorry, did you not see the whole, there was a horror game that got released by a Taiwanese developer on Steam, and there was a secret. If you, in Easter egg, if you like pounded through

one of the random drywalls, there was a like a Sharpie sketch of Winnie the Pooh. Oh no. That game got removed from steam the developers got so like like it was one of the most like brutal takedowns of a company period just because of that comparison to uh winnie the pooh god damn he does look like winnie the pooh it might predate it but it's gone viral i think no he doesn't. He looks nothing like Winnie the Pooh.

Nothing like it. All of our Chinese listeners realize that also. I'll go back, Tucker. I don't know where I read that they knew about the protest. Now I'm reading that they keep saying they didn't know. So I want to make sure that I'm not exactly sure. Oh, you're talking about the casters? Yeah, because the casters seem like innocent bystanders in this whole thing. I mean, make sure that I'm not I'm not talking about the casters. Yeah, I mean, because the casters seem like innocent bystanders

in this whole thing. I mean, they were fired. Yeah, they were fired. I think that even regardless if they weren't innocent, like even if they knew of it, it doesn't matter. What do you like? It doesn't really matter in my personal opinion, but also, yeah, yeah, it's the whole thing is

the whole thing is I said this before on I think it was it was another podcast that was on just a few days ago but it was i want to make sure that like it's interesting that blizzard can can enact these rules and uh do these sorts of things because of chinese money when they were birthed in a capitalist democracy. But it's just like such an... If somebody said, if we remove this market from you, you will no longer reach 800% of your normal reach. It is just such a difficult concept,

especially coming from a capitalist environment. They're too big to fail. Yeah, it's nuts. What do you do? Well, so this is the i mean this this is this is the argument that everybody has all the time and has for the last 15 20 years about capitalism it's like is there capitalism with morality is can you actually you know capitalism with a soul and that's that's something that i feel like no of course not it's

a it's a entire engine built on perpetual growth. If a capitalist company has a soul, it opens itself to get beaten by one that doesn't. I mean, yes, yeah, no, and that's sort of the... Late stage capitalism. That's the hardest part, yeah. That's the hardest part. So, like, I don't feel bad for Blizzard.

I think Blizzard made the wrong call here, especially apparently the way they punished the protester was extremely harsh it was it like they're like you know i was like xqc i think got punished like a seven-day ban or something it wasn't it was minor i like how singapore punishes people they'll like if you spit your gum out whip you or cane you for like yeah for spitting your gum out it's dude that's punishable by death if you like bring drugs in there if you spit the gum too far no that's great wait so okay here's a here's a unique if we're on the china train here uh i have i have quite a few musician friends that play um in the emerging asian market like china what bigger market that you could bring EDM to. And so they're playing EDC China, et cetera, or Ultra.

I can't remember which one. And before they go on stage, their liaison will take them aside and say, you cannot curse. You cannot talk about Taiwan. You cannot do any of this. We will detain you. You will not leave the country. There's nothing you can do.

Yeah. One of my friends said said fuck on the microphone oh no after he got after he got off stage they detained him for 12 hours they they inter they like they went it was like you know you're like a serious he said china whatever like let's get fucking crazy they detained him for that like the thought of holding up a taiwanese flag during that time or like even doing anything in support of that on that stage i would be shocked to to if you like walked out within a week i got confused did this happen in singapore or china no this happened in china this happened in china what'd you say he asked you to go to a live pk in beijing

yeah i'll write that down on my... Put that in your good ideas list, Taylor. Actually, doing the TN is in the good ideas journal. And you should dress up Winnie the Pooh. What good shit. Oh, no. That's going to be pretty dope, though, because they always say, like,

oh, the Streisand effect. But if you're like Xi Jinping or whatever, and you can just be like, oh, get rid of all of that. Like, that'sisand effect. But if you're like Xi Jinping or whatever, and you can just be like, oh, get rid of all of that. That's got to rule. Literally get rid of all of that, and they actually have the tools to get rid of all of that. Mr. Jinping, they're making fun of you on this.

I call Reddit. Yeah, that's no more. No more of that. That's what they're doing. That's not a joke. That's literally what they're doing. I wonder how effective it is. Very. All right, look. look like effective word of mouth so like you can ban every twitch user on the site period and people will continue to make accounts it like all you need to do is

suppress it below like the boiling point and then it just kind of dies off right so if i go to blizzard in three months and i don't see a free hong kong post they kind of like they kind of did it right like they kind of succeeded in in suppressing it i don't think that they're going to be able to do that just because of like how vocal honestly you messed with gamers and they're going to rise up like right boycott there's very yeah no but there's very few people that are going to hold on to something vindictively than like people that play video games so i don't think that they're ever going to be able to wash this from their from their hands but i'm just kind of surprised that they took the hardest stance they could

possibly ever take instead of quietly trying to do something behind the scenes. It just seems very like puppeteery. Also, I can tell you how effective that is for the Chinese government. I mean, they've got hundreds of thousands of people protesting for months in Hong Kong now because the Chinese government is trying to silence them. So the more they do that,

it sounds stupid, but it's like the rebellion in Star Wars. The more they do that, the more people join that rebellion and go, fuck this place. We're tired of it. And if you get enough angry people out there in China, that'll be it for the communist government. What is it that China is like, or I'm sorry, not China.

Hong Kong is angling for? Do they want complete independence like a city-state kind of thing? Originally, there were a lot of minute things that they were trying to like and i i would have to actually go through a list of things because i only i only know i don't know them offhand but yeah but beyond that yeah i don't their major goal right now tucker i don't know what they're pushing for i'm pretty sure their major goal is just is is straight independence so right now they're they're they're they're like the puerto rico of china right but like a little more vocal about it but yeah just a little just like the smallest amount more vocal i mean and like to dive into this as somebody who's

not like you you need a degree to be able to dive into this just like let me on the floor for a second i feel like yeah go for it hong kong the protesters put out their demands in a very clear way they went full withdrawal of the extradition bill, so that's you don't take Hong Kong citizens and bring them to China. They want to commission an inquiry into alleged police brutality, retracting the classification of protesters as rioters, amnesty for protesters, dual universal suffrage, meaning both the legislative council and the chief

executive. I don't actually know what that means. What does that mean? You seem to understand it. No, no, no. I was meaning they're not getting all of that. Oh, okay. Let me read the last one.

At the moment, only half of the seats in Lurko, the body which makes the city laws, are directly elected by the voters. The other 35 seats are from functional constituencies and elected according to professionals or trades. But this means that the corporations and selected voters get to vote the representatives of their particular

sector. This is a read. That's sort of what the board was as well. The bicameral suffrage thing. They basically want a representative government that they elect. They want democracy. Yes, they want to self-govern. Right.

Well, and this, again, China and Taiwan is very similar to the whole Middle East of, well, who the fuck gets palace? Who gets Israel? You know what I mean? It's like a very complex and deep-rooted thing that started with the Civil War. the whole middle east of like well who the fuck gets palace like who gets israel you know i mean it's like a very complex and deep-rooted thing that started with the civil war i don't know how many years ago but like they never got independence but they sort of did and now you need a degree to be able to piece together all this shit i don't know enough about any of this neither do i really care i like the stylish masks they wear though they make them illegal no this is dude they do have some cool ass masks they've done so like

i've looked at a bunch of like overall protesting videos where they've like created supply chains for gas masks so if there's tear gas and going out the front you see like like your 45 45 year old like businessman handing it to your 70 year old grandmother who hands it to like the 12 year old like they like they started uh painting or like shooting uh paint canisters at protesters in blue so like businessman would just like show up with blue on their shirt that's hilarious like like the like if they've if they've they perfected a really good method of protesting in a good in a way that i'm like god america sucks at protests like there's nothing anybody like any of us could do that would even be remotely oh yeah we we suck cock at protesting because like our they'll be like i'm anti-establishment and the establishment will be

every time we have a good protest you go ahead and stop running people over put those tiki torches down i will say that i feel like some of the stuff we praise hong kong for they'd be like can you believe they block the roads i'm just trying to get to work you know like if we do even one-tenth of what happens in hong kong that is a real thing like if you if you're trying to earn people over with the protest and your protest blocks roads you're not winning the normal every man over like you need to be more creative come up with something like you're you're being counterintuitive almost towards whatever goal they have in mind so what is hong kong doing i mean they're blocking roads they're shutting down hong kong is hong kong is so in solidarity i believe like there Like, it's such a homogenous group of people

that are actively working towards the same goal, whereas, like, a lot of the protests in the United... Like, think of the size geographically and also the spread and, in general, like, the difference in everyday life, right? Hong Kong, very small. A lot of people. It'd be like a protest of New York City

versus a protest of everybody in the U.S. You understand? So, like, everybody in New York City versus a protest of everybody in the U.S. You understand? So everybody in New York City has a concentrated goal and idea. It kind of supports my point. It's not that these guys suck at protesting. It's when they protest, we tell them they suck. I'm saying that the everyman in Hong Kong is probably also in line with that. Just like you'd expect the general public of new york or like let's say

los angeles right when they had the um me too march i was in downtown i literally could not get home for eight hours because there was no possible way was i upset with that yeah a little bit but like also it probably made you want to molest someone no don't i don't think i don't think i'm gonna go that far no i was just like damn i really want to go home but also like it's fine like i can make do like being in a geography with eight million or like a city with eight million people that are all relatively you know homogeneous is different from being across a nation where it's so hong kong concentrated amount of a lot of people with a similar passion in mind versus a big ass fucking country are they like like hong kong isn't ethnically different from

most of china right like no but they mostly chinese people there i would think yeah they look no they're taiwanese or taiwanese i i don't know i don't know I don't know the rules man oh I don't know the difference it's like I don't know it'd be like if every time I do this voice these dogs get very upset in the other room he's gonna eat us

he's gonna eat us like I don't know what's the Hong Kong mainly consists of han chinese just it's from from what wikipedia said yeah it's literally a civil war that separated hong kong uh people from hong kong like taiwanese people believe that they have independence mainland china says no right if you want a good documentary about it it's uh big trouble in little china with uh yeah that sounds it's actually see but like think of it like this what if everybody in in nolans like they talk with that weird ass accent no fucking real what if real yeah

speaking creole and they're like we're tired of this entirely onreosism. We want to do our own. I'd say let him go. Even if it doesn't make sense, I'm kind of just doing Kevin Spacey. That's right. I was going to say, you're very Kevin Spacey. This is very Kevin Spacey-ous. Without the little boy's

penis near my face. Just off camera. Great American actor. I don't care what he does. What happened to him wait what happened he's coming back did you hear that bitch that accused kevin spacey of something died got killed one of kevin spacey's accusers of sexual misconduct got killed shot herself in the back of the head shot himself in the back it's sad i made that up don't buy it it's a tragic

story and we're all troubled by it there's actually so you know recently kevin spacey was like in finland or something and he did a poetry reading with a with a poet that was there and like everybody he was there he did it for like 50 people and everybody that was watching it was like what the fuck why is kevin spacey out reading God, he's reading poetry. Hickory diggory dog. I'll grab your little cock. That was the most recent time he was out in public. I feel like I heard about it and then nothing happened. Did he get convicted of any of this? Or is this kind of like one of those Michael Jackson versions?

No, he's innocent. They dropped the charges. They're still pursuing? I'm charges. They're still pursuing. All those little boys lied on him, just like they did poor Michael. Little Michael. You know? And the Catholics. Children are bullies. We all know this.

Especially molested children. The only thing Kevin Spacey is guilty of is being excellent in the usual suspects. The only way to make a child bully harder than normal is to molest him, and that's what we have here. These children going after these strong, powerful, influential men, like Kevin Spacey, one of our greatest American actors,

second only to, well, I think he's our greatest American actor. Morgan Freeman. It is the problem. He didn't start acting until he was 55. She's a joke. I don't like Morgan Freeman. I'm not impressed. He has one character.

Old man with freckles. I'm tired of it. Kyle, your racism is showing. I want to make sure that... I want to say Kyle was sarcastic when Kyle just said all of those things about children. I think you should know about this show. Listen, Bruce, this is the good thing about coming on PKA.

You don't have to clarify for all of them. They've already dug all their graves so many times. It's like fucking holes out here. Like pick one. You're good. A mean spirited guy who only eats sunflower seeds walking around critiquing us. We just ended up on this train and we're trying to get off as fast as possible as soon as the time limits up.

And there's so many holes. I don't want to be anywhere near those graves at all. Kyle was on the hilarious point of view where it's like, even if he did rape, the movies are pretty tight. I don't care if it was ex-convict Kyle. He has a better ring than Phil and Kyle. I'll be Lyle. Phil and Kyle. Lyle doesn't care what

kevin spacey did to those boys buttholes okay it doesn't matter to lile all right he just doesn't if he raped them to death i would be okay with it all right he's just that certainly a stance to take go watch the usual suspects and look at that boy who's been victimized and tell me what you'd like to see more of. I don't ever want to see that boy again. I'd love to see The Usual Suspects 2. Are there any boys on The Usual Suspects? No.

There's Kevin Spacey. He's Keiser Soze. If I'm going to get molested by a Hollywood actor, I want it to be someone as skilled as Kevin Spacey. Yes. I would like him to do it as Kaiser Soze. I like that. And then after he molested me, he could use his

ability to convince me he didn't actually do it. I'm the only one that wants to get fucked by Frank Underwood around here? Yes. No, I don't want to get fucked by Frank Underwood. I don't want that. I don't want anywhere near Frank Underwood. I think Frank's more of a bottom. Let's be real. I bet Frank's dick is just covered in sores.

I hope so. Have you guys seen the YouTube video of him playing Frank Underwood after? Loved it. We have a very popular bit making fun of that. He basically looks like the craziest man I've ever seen in the world in that video. It's wild.

You know you want to do the last season of House of Cards again? No, I don't want any. I don't give two shits whether or not that show comes back. And I watched all of it. Even before he got kicked off, that show went to shit. But imagine having the fucking balls to molest people for decades and then make

a YouTube video where you're like, you knew I would never stay away. I've always been here. You've always been here. And you're going to follow me until the day I die. Do you believe everything you hear? No. Do you believe everything you hear from the media?

Do you believe that even now as I stand here, I have a seven-year-old sucking my cock behind the counter? Do you believe? And then the kid just goes, you're a fool. I'm about to stuff that little boy just like this Thanksgiving turkey. I'm going to rub him down. I'm going to baste him. I'm going to pull out those giblets.

Yes, sir. Now, I'm going to baste that child. And it's okay, because I was real good in a couple movies. Every movie. It was great. American Beauty. All of the movies. Dude, American Beauty, if anything, made that movie less creepy, because now I realize he's into men.

It's worth noting that I've known a few development executives over the years, and these Kevin Spacey stories were coming up 10 years ago. People were telling me and I was like, no way. That can't be true. Kevin Spacey, he's probably just getting... No, absolutely. I heard these stories in Hollywood and it was one of those things where I was like, that can't be true. I heard the same about Bryan Singer from the same person. Who's Bryan Singer?

John Travolta. John Travolta's a little grabby as well, it seems. That's what I've heard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Bryan Singer and Kevin Sweets had heard stories about. And now they're confirmed. For sure confirmed true. It's so crazy how many famous people are just a little, not even little, just rapey. You know?

Like super rapey. They got to the point where they can do whatever they want. They can do whatever the fuck they want. All people are rapey. People in power can just get away with it. That's all it is. Oh, a little rapey. I'm not going to be jumping in and out with that one.

Look at him denying their rapiness. Rapists and liars, folks. You're like, look at those guys denying their rapiness. I'm not going to do that. I can't. Listen, Donald is already mad enough with me. Kyle's point is cogent and accurate. Yeah, it happens at any high level of anything.

Like Catholic priests molest kids. Like fucking high-level rabbis molest kids. Fucking fucking high level imams molest kids high level the public school system so many kids get molested like if you have a bunch of power keep going keep going where else i'm almost there taylor give me a few more i named the religious groups uh do buddhists rape kids probably i don't actually you know what has there ever i'm politicians can we get a stat chart for like what religious like deity or not deity what religious children yeah well minecrafters but but like the whole you know it's just like like i'm curious now like are buddhists who generally abstain from

sexual intercourse period like are they just as prone to rape minecraft is rape children well which how do you want to just i'll just google how often do buddhists rape i'm sure that's gonna work i'm not sure that that minecraft you hear about that minecrafter a couple of years ago that was having 14 year olds send videos of their buttholes to them no i heard about one and it was like, you know when you hear about the whole rapey thing, then you hear the details and it's not so insane.

I can see myself doing that. Alright, let me lay it out there. The guy was 18. The girl was 13. Which is five years, so that's two biggest... No! The guy was nine the girl was

fucking four let me finish my thought so 18 and 13 five years too far spread that we all know they didn't have sex but they did date for a while so there was like some inappropriate conduct along the way he got like the police talked to him he had to see a psychologist they said this is not a

pedophile situation that these people are developmental peers and he never did it again was it because he was retarded so i'm just like you know i don't like it right i wouldn't want that to happen to my you know daughter at 13 or whatever but it's also not like there there are levels to this rapey game yeah it's levels to this shit yeah i don't know what you guys think level if you're a level five rapist where would you put that out of a hundred out of out of we use one it's a 100 series We all disagree to go to 0 So this guy might be 5 out of 100

Right? There was no 6 Bruce just being like Let's just stop talking I just started I just started my own thing guys Bruce when you molest a young man Tell me how do you convince him to not go forward to the authorities?

Yeah, I gave him ice cream, but the blowjob was so cold. If they're under a certain age, I'm able to train the throat. I know what you're saying, but there are laws. Yes, the laws of man. Generally, we'll cover. There's the whole of man generally generally we'll cover because like

there's the whole like oh well if you're 19 and she's 17 right then there's like that's fine that's an expired young lady in Japan you're three years late and that's true because what is it age of consent is like way different all across the country

13 in Tokyo man they should probably amend that can a 13 year old consent to any age so do you have to be like 13 and 14 or can you be 13 and 46 no you can be 13 and 70 all right noted 18 don't quote me on that because i just had somebody oh you're gonna be representing me in court but again again, again, like that's that's, you know, I feel like case by case is probably the right way to do it. And like you said, 18 to 13, they were

debentantly the same. Okay, all right. You know, like maybe that's whatever. I'm not saying it's okay. It's more of like, maybe it happened and maybe we should try to avoid that. Are you saying you're going to have sex with a 13-year-old? No, that's not what I said. That's how I'm getting it. That's how I'm reading it. That's not what I said at all. 18 year old no that's not that's how i'm good that's how i'm reading it not what i said at all 18 to 13 that's way too long but like case by case maybe we like

case by case it's probably helpful there like that's a i think yeah we all agree that that's too long you shouldn't have done that i also think though on the scale that it's how i can't even think about going out on a date with somebody under the age of 21. Like the idea that you cannot go to the bar with me is inherently a problem. All right. Like, like, what do we do? That's why I don't drink. Absolutely. Yeah.

I don't want to even when I was on that Tinder grind like a year and a half, two years ago, I guess two and a half years ago now, like at no point was I like, figure it out. Yeah. Let's get that. Let's I like, let's get that 18-year-old girl. Can I tell you what? The youngest girl I'll go for varies state to state. No.

Once you're an adult, you have kids. Bruce, no one will pay attention to things you've said. We got you covered. Bruce, turn around And ask your girlfriend What's the youngest man she would have sex with Right now, she's behind you, I can see her This is good content

I did see her But say it like What's the youngest man you would allow her I typed everybody I see this as a personal attack. Did she say it? Autumn's different. She said no one under 28. 28?

Of course. Have you guys ever seen that chart where it shows the individual's desired sexual preferences age and shit? For women, when they they're 18 it's like 21 when they're 28 it's like 30 when they're 38 it's 41 when they're 55 it's 58 and it keeps going

and then for men it's no matter what age it is it's's like 21. Just like straight up. And that's hilarious. I thought Taylor was going to say 18. Remember my favorite subreddit, Taylor? Fobate. Yeah, Fobate. And I went there once. Fobate.

Creeped me the fuck out, man. So faux means fake, right? We're familiar with this. Yeah, we're not retarded. That is French for fake, yeah. We are dumb, not retarded. Jailbait is obviously a young lady who's a bit underage.

This subreddit is called Fobate. And these are girls who look underage, but are legal. You are an absolute degenerate. You sound like Kevin Spacey right now. I'm just letting you know, your voice sounds like Kevin Spacey. Now, the only time that I want to

go to faux bait on reddit because it allows me to live out my fantasies of fucking underage people while only fucking underdeveloped of age people boy anyway so and you have seen you could have been faux bait anyway so uh yoana missed wait did you see that yoana missed wait i saw that she was going to did the weigh-ins happen uh she's going to and they've already made plans to go go along without not without her actually without her opponent michelle waterman or waters whichever it is i'm sports illustrator she's completely naked and doing a high kick and it is a thing of beauty it's incredible do you see that shot i did but i don't trust sports illustrated to not photoshop that's a that's an impressive young lady um you got yeah

you gotta catch the outtakes like we did with ronda rousey that's how i saw her pussy um anyway i saw it pretty pretty me too yeah it's not bad it's it's an any it's an any no and uh and so looks like homer Homer Simpson's mouth, and that's what you're going for, right? Yeah, and so... Yeah, Michelle will not fight her if she's not... Michelle will not fight her if she doesn't make weight, and so Michelle will be on a future bout

against someone else, and Ioana's going to fight that black lady whose name is escaping me. Could it be Anita Hill? Angela Hill. I think it is. Yeah, Angela angela hill yeah i messed it up it couldn't be that woman that accused clarence thomas in 1991 no no it's paula jones it's paula jones all the clinton accusers fight it was at this stage of their life so i think page van zandt said she'd fight Michelle Watterson.

Yeah, she got the shit kicked out of her. I don't like Paige. Yeah, they fought before she lost. I think it was a really good fight. It actually was. It was probably Paige's best outing ever, even despite the loss. So Paige has been fighting at that weight class, so I think Michelle's stepping up into it.

I'm a little confused. I don't know. But anyway, yeah, she offered. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Real battle of the hotties. It's two of the best snitched on those guys who raped her in high school. I didn't care for that. I can't join you on that one. Uh, I didn't know if that happened. That's a bummer. Yeah.

It's in her book. She got gang raped. Every time I say something terrible, I'm actually, uh, I don't have glasses happened. That's a bummer. Yeah, it's in her book. She got gang raped. Every time I say something terrible, I'm actually, I don't have glasses, but I'm Layler. These are those... You know what's great? Blue light filtering ones are nice.

Oh, gunner optics? I love that. No, fuck no. No, these are... No, these do the same thing for like $3. Yeah. If anybody wears glasses exclusively and not like contacts i don't want to put shit in my eyes there's something very endearing and enjoyable

about like once i get off this call i will take my glasses off and go virtually blind for the rest of the night you know just like and i'm done seeing for the rest of the day just like what's your what's your it makes makes Tinder so much more fun. What's your minus count? What's your minus count? Negative 1.75. Bitch made. I know.

Bitch made. In fact, there's no difference from here, but I can't read anything from that far away. If I took my contacts out, I wouldn't be able to close the call. Really? My right eye is minus six,

seven, five, and then my left eye is like minus eight almost. My left eye may as well be dead. You would literally be murdered in Mesopotamia. They would not keep you alive. I'd be done. I'd be donezo when I was like seven and they're like... The lion would come at you and you'd be done I'd be donezo when I was like 7 and they're like

the lion would come at you and you'd be like and then it would maul your neck I love dogs I would be fucked having shit to your eyes sucks because it ruins any fantasy of a zombie apocalypse where people are like

I would collect this and I would do that and I would behave like this and I are like. I would collect this. And I would do that. And I would behave like this. And I'm like. Well I would have my contacts. Until they failed. And I'm dead. That's fucking it. Or glasses until they break.

I got glasses. My vision is not that bad. I don't know my number. I'm sorry. But I wore them. And everything was sharper. Like all the leaves. All the everything.

Everything in my whole world was sharper. And after a while. I was like. I don't know know real life's kind of mean looking i prefer my world with little softer edges so i stopped i think i even said it on the show we're like you know when you would look at traffic lights and there would be like lines of light extending from them oh yeah yeah it turns out i didn't have to go through most of my life thinking that was what everybody saw it was like most people just see the light i was gonna say it's like when i swam in a chlorine pool without goggles for like eight hours and then i'd walk and i'd look at every light

i'm like damn dude there's rainbows around every single light my mom's like you just burned your retinas and i'm like haha you guys are your retinas. And I'm like, haha. You guys are going to hate me because I don't know my numbers at all because I've never had a vision test because my eyes are perfect. Dude, I'm so jealous. I guarantee your eyes are not perfect. You do the same job that I have. When's the last time

you got an eye exam? Never. I told you. Yeah. I've never had an eye exam. I promise you.yle has 2015 vision i used to have 2015 vision at some point and then obviously do you want to know why i found it or how i found out that i needed glasses i was at a music festival very drunk and my friend was wearing glasses i was like i was like give me your glasses he goes they're low prescription they won't do anything for you and i was like sure and i put them on this was me thinking i had great vision whatever i put them on like i can see the individual led panel bulbs and i was

like i didn't know that was like a thing that you could see oh yeah 100 feet off i think like i think that most adult people probably need glasses or some sort of vision assistance especially if you're sitting this close to the screen like you are. And using any kind of screen for an extended period of time. I don't think it's hurt mine because I have played an enormous amount of PUBG and Rust and went on many a Skyrim adventure. I fucking hate when people have awesome vision. I think Kyle and I should have a vision competition to see who has the best.

I'd be down. I'd be down. I'll judge it with no context in. I know my right eye. 0B? I can't tell. I wish I could explain what it looks like when I take my context out. Any light source just creates an enormous blur.

If I took them out right now, I wouldn't be able to tell what square you guys were. I wouldn't know who was in any square. Jesus Christ. Two feet away. You're fucked in the zombie apocalypse. I'm fucked. I told you. That's why I have to get 10 pairs of glasses.

Come here. He was great too, though. And next to a great car. He became part of it. Yeah, Taylor, that's really rough. Yeah, my eyes are bad. It's hard to imagine. You need about ten pair of these.

And someone to make new ones as you went more and more blind. Like, hey, can you figure out how to bend light with this? It was funny because I was like, I've always, ever since I was, I'm the only kid ever that was like, someday I'm going to get LASIK. Like when I was like 11, being like, man, LASIK is going to be sick. I'm going to have awesome eyes. And then I was like, it was like two years ago, I was at an optometrist appointment. And they were like, yeah yeah your eyes got worse again you're gonna need to go to minus 7.5 and on this one and minus 6.5 you're worthless right now

whatever the fuck and i was like yeah but like i'm uh i'm 26 right now so i'm prime lasik time right and he's like yeah yeah no. Your corneas are too thin. I don't think that's a solution for you. And I was like, you just crushed everything I've been thinking about for the last 15 years. I was waiting for the day that I could wake up in the morning and open my eyes and see. Well, it's never coming, blindy. I know it's not coming. Hey, on the bright side, though though One day you'll have a promising career

Making toilet paper for food I like it That might be it Are there any post rolls There are not Bruce do you want to tell our fans Where to find you Not at Funhaus

Cause he quit. You can definitely not find me at a fun house. It's twitch.tv slash Bruce Green. That's it. What are you playing lately? What about your Twitter? Twitter is the same thing. Twitter.com slash Bruce Green.

What am I playing lately? Destiny. I just played a lot of GTA RP on No Pixel. Just got into that, which is really fun. I just got put in jail today, which fucking sucked. You got to make friends. It's so difficult. It's not at all.

I'm sure it's just as hard as what Kyle went through. But otherwise, yeah, it's just on Twitch. Don't find me. Just don't find me ever. Delete the episode. Just erase me at this just don't find me ever like delete the episode like if you can't find me you don't deserve to be here so thanks to our other guest optic x all right pka 460