Painkiller Already - Painkiller Already #480

Episode Date: March 6, 2020

In this week's PKA, crazy, funnyman himself, Danny Mullen has graced us with his return! He & Kyle talk about sharing girls, Danny goes into great detail about his past escapades in life, the guys discuss Wing's wedding plans and it's just and overall pretty god damn crazy PKA with some shade thrown at a select few internet personalities. You're not gonna want to miss this episode of PKA!

I don't bluff. PKA 480. Kyle doesn't bluff. Our guest, Danny Mullen, had some tech issues. We're hoping he'll drop in maybe an hour from now. Kyle? Yeah, a couple sponsors tonight. Blue Chew, ExpressVPN, and SmartMouth, of course.

Taylor's favorite sponsor, of course. I love all the sponsors. They're all equal in my eyes. They're amazing. I like the one that gets my dick hard. Yeah. Because Melania, she's just not doing it for me anymore. Melania hates it.

She absolutely hates it. Sometimes I'll come up to her and I'll go, Melania, it's a blue chew kind of night. And then she says something in some gobbledygook bullshit language. Storms off. I don't know why I marry that bitch sometimes. Luckily, I'm much more powerful. Grab her.

Harvey taught me that. You grab the bitch. So, yeah. Went outside. Bitch has fantastic cardio. I can't get you. She's quick. Have you seen that ass? She looks like she works out. Peloton that I bought her. I saw that commercial for it.

Everybody getting outraged that a man bought a woman an exercise bike. I said, that's fantastic. Melania, you're getting a little floppy anyway. Gave it to her. You can do whatever you want when you're president. Anyway, PK, something, something, something. Grab it by the economy. Did you see him in India?

You've been texting about this all day and I haven't watched clips. No, good stuff, bad stuff. Great. So if you're a Trump supporter or if you're Trump himself, he must be thrilled. So India rolled out the red carpet for this man, all right? It was like he was the Dalai Lama, all right? His picture is everywhere. They have like the traditional Indian musicians out there playing all kinds of crazy instruments

you've never even seen before. It looks like that band from Star Wars, like all sorts of hoot snoots and Snorlax. They're all playing this nonsense music and he's just like, yeah. Yeah. And Modi is dressed, you know, Indian formal dress. That's the PM

of India. He looks like Aladdin. It's just a vest over a white fluffy pirate shirt. It's a very comfortable looking... Trump's got the gold tie on. He's showing up in his own fucking jet. They've got all those people with like, you know how they have the baskets on their heads of like fruit and shit? They're all dancing around with like eight feet of fruit on top of their head.

Like, oh, Trump, Trump, Trump. Oh, Trump, Trump, Trump. They go to a cricket stadium. Cricket must be fucking huge. It is. Like a hundred thousand people can be in those fucking stadiums. And they were. There were over 100,000 people in attendance to see Donald Trump and Modi.

And mostly it's Donald Trump. And he's speaking English. He comes out, namaste. And they're like, holy shit. They go fucking ape shit. 100,000 strong screaming. Camera pans, holy shit. They go fucking ape shit. A hundred thousand strong screaming camera pans over the crowd. They're all. And I, when I say all, I mean, all wearing Trump hats, 100,000 men, women, and children wearing Donald Trump hats. And they are screaming

for this guy. He gives a speech. He talks about the things he's done. He talks about trade with India. He gives props to the Indian PM. He's like, he's a strong negotiator. But I think we're going to work something out. They're like, yeah, he is strong. But you're so strong, too. And then the music starts playing.

Macho, macho man. Are you serious? And Trump goes, pumps his fist. And he's just str's just like he's strutting he's strutting he's strutting on the stage to macho man and they fucking love it a hundred i'm not exaggerating you can pull this up there's there's a dozen different videos of it from cbs cnn they can't deny it they hate him you know and maybe rightfully so no one can deny it though they fucking love the guy they have like really you think they love him why did so many of them have hats do you think that's like the first you know how they'll send like you know i suspect this is all orchestrated maybe this is my blue lens tinfoil i've got blue tinfoil on right now.

You couldn't get 100,000 people to do the same thing. Oh, my God. If he goes to China, the world has learned that if you want to get anything from Trump, flatter that fuck. He will go bonkers for it. The bigger the show, when Air Force One touches down, the better. That is how you do it. You don't think so? They legitimately love Trump.

Why does India love Trump? They zoom in on the crowd, and they go to the people. All right, so if it's what you're saying, they were like, free tickets, come on, free lunch too, everybody in the area. No, they're like, this is fucking Patel, and here's Patel, and here's Patel, and this is Mr. Pat patel also don't you act

like srinivas didn't show six they're driving they're driving six seven eight hours to come see donald trump they're pumped for trump walking maybe i'll believe walking six seven i drove the cart they're fucking freaking out you told me they came by donkey back, I'd maybe buy this. Look, if these are Indian actors, then I've been fooled. But I'm telling you, they zoom in on the crowd, and these people are exuberant for Donald Trump. If he doesn't win this next election cycle, he should head on over to India because Modi's got nothing on this guy. They love... They're like, he grabs him by the pussy. Yes, yes. I love this.

I'd do the same on the train this morning on the way here. Yes. Who would want a gold toilet? Who would want a toilet? They were fucking pumped. It was really interesting to watch um i don't think anybody

could beat trump this election cycle i've been saying that for months uh you know maybe maybe how much do you guys did you guys bet or did you only bet on primaries and shits because i know you guys primary and i forget five dollars kyle no no i think i'm gonna owe kyle a hundred there and on the primary it was um he had bernie and biden and i had everybody else and my thought process at the time was and i will pay because i like because i like to collect so i should like to pay but um uh my thought process was all these other presidential elections what looked like a coronation ceremony a year year and a half before the voting started didn't turn out that way. Right. You know, we didn't have Jeb Bush represent the Republicans last time.

We didn't have Hillary represent the Democrats in 2008. Like example after example, the people who were the obvious front runners didn't win. So my thought was I got a pack of 22 and Kyle gets two and the front runner that seems so obvious oftentimes doesn't win, but it was the second choice. It looked, I mean, right now it feels like it's a Bernie Sanders coronation ceremony that he's the obvious lock and Kyle had him too.

So that's, that's how I remember it. Yeah. I just, I've just, I was watching last election cycle, you know, and we all were,

I'm not special. But it was just, there was so much organic fervor for Bernie Sanders. Like actual, it was a real movement, not some sort of contrived. Astro-turfed bullshit, yeah. Astro-turfed fucking shellac on the side. Oh yeah, this is what we have, kind of nonsense.

Like you can't trick me into thinking that somebody is loved the love is just gonna be there It's not like I get it all these people have supporters Bernie has bros and it really like Yang gang gets fuck out of here. You're all gonna pick another candidate Bernie Sanders are all gonna be people who fucking love him. And they have good reason to, right? Whether or not you agree with what he says, you cannot deny that what he says is genuine from the heart. And he's not always going for the most votes. I saw a little Reddit thingamabob, and it was a quote from Bernie. Like, hey, free lunches for all kids. Like, come on. What the fuck?

Boom! And somebody said, kids can't vote Bernie. What are you thinking? And somebody replies, it's almost like he's only choosing... It's almost like he's saying what he thinks is right. Not what he thinks will get him the most votes. Yeah, but poor parents can vote. That's not a very good example.

Well, I suppose so. But we don't count their one-third, three-fifths compromise. You know how it works. Yeah, that works with the poor. They didn't stop that, did they? No, now it's the five-thirds compromise. You know, making up for lost time. Good.

Or like that bank. Keep them down there where they belong. I don't think five-thirds works like you think it does. I don't practice. Okay. I don't practice. It would make sense, right, because we're trying to make up for lost time? No, no.

Well, you said now it's five-thirds. We're making up for lost time. And Kyle said, yeah, keep them down. And that's where I got lost. Oh, yeah. No, I was pulling for justice there. Yeah. Look, I've said it before, I'll say it again. I'm a one-issue voter.

I'd like my rights back. I'd like free marijuana for everybody. Not free marijuana for everybody. I'd like free marijuana for everybody. He's a two-issue voter now. A two-issue. He wants his rights back and some free pot. And Bernie seems like my guy for that, the best chance for that.

And I'm hoping he does well next Tuesday. I want a moratorium on all parades that aren't sports related. Who really wants that? Get the fuck out of here. Do you like parades? I hate parades. They fuck traffic up.

Then why are you mad at me? Because you're allowing some parades. You're like, I'm against all rape that isn't a really hot chick. And I'm just like, no, all rape is bad. What a salient example. Thank you. Can't poke holes in that.

You're fucking owned, bro. I'm against all parades unless it's like my team winning the cup and then, you know, fucking dancing the street to that shit, yabble-chucky mufucky. Get the hell out of here. Is that a hockey player's name? And then, you know, fucking dance in the street to that shit, yubble-chucky-muh-fucky. Yubble-chucky-muh-fucky.

Get the hell out of here. Is that a hockey player's name? Probably. All of Kyle's, like, stab-in-the-dark hockey names are a derivative of Kovalchuk. Oh, okay. Because he was so big on the thrashers that Kyle's like, oh, who's our good guy? Oh, Kovalchuk, him again.

We had so much Kovalchuk memorabilia in our home. It was just, like was everywhere. Signed pucks, signed banners, signed pendants. Everything. Kyle, I would put in a request to keep doing that. I really like that. Yeah. As far as I know, those are the only two

people who have ever played fucking hockey. Matt and Gretzky. Those are the only three that I'm even aware of. As a hockey fan, they call that the big three. The big three. Kovalchuk, Hossa, Gretzky. I know my hockey. That's like baseball.

Maybe I'm like Maguire, Sosa, Pujols. Ruth, the black guy who was the first one in it. Jackie Robinson, right? Oh, fuck that guy. He sucked. I don't think he did. I know so little. i was about to call him robbie jackson robbie jackson first what were we talking about before oh that issues yeah trump what the what the hell is he in india for and is this the time to go to india with all this virus shit trade discussions because trump's fat and

there's no way his immune system's on point. Big trade deal, you know, perhaps coming down the pipes with India, you know. And, you know, it's his India trip. He's going to India. He ain't afraid of no ghost. Yeah. I was thinking about the virus thing. I feel like we're, like, you guys haven't, you guys said, hey, I can easily survive this. And I'm like, oh, but there's more to it.

It's because it's so communicable. If I were to say, hey, 10 grand, sometime next year, surprise, you get it. That would change the equation a ton. Here's why. Less for Kyle, maybe. But Taylor's going to visit his grandparents, right? So they're murdered, right?

I'm going to see George Foreman. Not murdered. I'm going to paint a picture. I'm going to see George Foreman, right? The baby. She's done, right? You know, like, even though you two, and like, I'm 47, I'm not young,

but I could pass for 46, I think. Oh, definitely. This is a battle with virus. So I think I could survive a virus, but it's the people that I visit, right? There may be love. Maybe I see my parents, right? My parents are 70 and 72. They might not like coronavirus.

Where is that? Have you looked at the will? I mean, maybe we want to give them a little corona. It's not my motivation. So that's the other side of it like you know you're funny i uh um a 22 year old died in iran and so that's right in the i need a picture of him how skinny was he it's a she it's a woman okay oh god just say no more. Of course. I was foolish to bring it up. Oh, an Iranian woman.

I bet she was in the best of health, too. Get out of here. I mean, Iran isn't Afghanistan. It's not like they're putting rocks together to make fire. It's a pretty advanced industry. They might be. They're absolutely not. How many times have you been to Iran?

More than... How many times do you been to Iran? More than... How many times do you know? I've been twice. I've been there three times. I've been twice. We've talked about this. I went with Wings of Redemption. Right after we left North Korea,

we went to Iran. Oh, that's where the passport snafu... You don't need a passport for Iran, I think. You don't need a passport for Iran? Get out of here. You know, the video game tournament handled all that. Starcraft is big in Iran.

I'm enjoying the start of this show. Come on in. Starcraft is big in Iran, I bet. I mean, just like hockey and baseball, the big three. Iran, South Korea. Big surprise. Actually, it's Uzbekistan uzbekistan

that's right if we were from iran we might have made an olympic team i think that's true i think taylor for example you could goalie the iranian hockey team right how many oh absolutely you give me a week to practice there's no way there's a good ice hockey goalie in all of Iran. Right? Not currently, but me could make the Iranian swim team. I bet. Y'all are outrageous. Y'all outrageous? Tell me more. In what way?

One thing when I say that I could be the best female shot put thrower on the planet, it's a completely different thing if you say you're the best swimmer in all of Iran. They're in the Persian Gulf. I'm going to look at the... The Strait of Ortiz. That's the whole problem right now.

I mean, but those are notoriously bad swimming waters, right? That makes them even more hardcore. They're swimming in those rough waters. Fucking US cruisers and fucking boats. Just fucking swimming through them. Let's see. Iranian swimmers. Yeah.

A 200 meter freestyle is a minute and 51 seconds from Alirez Yavare. In meters? I think that's faster than me. No shit! He's a world champion! They have pools! Yeah, these guys look legit.

They look like they've been in a pool before. Fuck, I need another country. How about Afghanistan? Water is precious. Right. Make a landlocked country like Chad in Africa. We need a cold landlocked country. Let's Take a landlocked country like Chad in Africa. We need a cold landlocked country. Let's go cold landlocked.

You know? Cold landlocked. Maybe. What's that? What would that be? Like Luxembourg? Yeah. Is that the country with the L that hosted the Olympics a long time ago?

Maybe that's Lichtenstein. What the fuck is this? I made that up. All right. I mean, maybe. Does your mic work? Yes. All right. All right. Amazing. What the fuck is this? I made that up. Does your mic work? Yes! Amazing.

And way before the hour limit. Very happy with it. You want to know the solution? Oh, I can't wait. Using my roommate's laptop. Which is always a dicey business because any other man's laptop is coated in a layer of his jerk-off slime.

This is where we're headed. I'm way ahead of you here. Alright, let's check out his auto-fill on Google Chrome. Oh, yeah. Kyle, I love this idea. Let's see what this man's into, you know? He's already on the verge of moving out and disowning me because I used

his laptop without asking. I don't think we're going to look for a lot of... No, no. What's about to his laptop without asking. I don't think we're going to look for it. No, no. What's about to come right now is this satirical bit we're doing. None of this is real, Danny. What's a good phrase that we could look for some sketchy recommended things? My favorite thing about kids is Just type in

child. Just type in Honestly, just hit P and tell me what the first site that comes up under and if age happens right after that then we know we got a fox in the hen house if you do chrome auto complete what do you get for p okay let's try it out let's try it out i know what happens if you type into my computer yeah i gotta do it right now i don't even know what mine if you type into my computer. I've got to do it right now. I don't even know what mine is. Yeah, love2p.com. Oh, it's actually a different port site.

It's just PayPal. I did that in high school. I changed my – there was like an open computer in one of my classes. I changed the home screen to love2p.com. I think it was the number two. And it was just girls peeing in their own underwear, just piss everywhere. Yeah, classic joke, just like lemon party and meat spin you know yeah throwing those up there by the way uh gotta intro the guest this is danny hilarious hilarious youtube channel i was watching his video before we started about uh

giving away iphones to kids on college campuses if they'll do blackface which is yes hilarious and there's been a lot of drama surrounding that video. It came down. YouTube was lying to me about why it came down. The history of this is the four girls you might have saw were blurred at the start of the video. They found

out the true nature of the video. They weren't too happy that they were in a video about blackface, so they complained. I thought they were being hypersensitive. I thought it was ridiculous. So I just didn't do anything. Didn't blur them out at first. YouTube brings the video down.

I messaged the people and say, hey, I told these girls they were on camera. That seems like consent to me. Don't I have the right of way here? They said no. And actually, we brought this video down because it violates our hate speech policies and i looked up my channel strikes any kind of punishments i'd gotten there weren't any there were no emails so what i concluded is that this fucking rep for youtube was just lying to me so that i didn't repost the video it's censorship and it's bullshit you should tell him you're like

all right well you should give me a strike then, right? Yeah, I should demand a strike. Where's my strike at? Absolutely. Because if he gives you a strike, then he's going to have to explain to someone why he struck you. This is a risky gambit, gentlemen. Yes, I don't know.

You've got to stand up and defend the right to paint your face whatever fucking color you want. Green, blue, yellow. And I made them tap dance and eat watermelon while they were doing it. Alright, I'm backing out now. I'm getting deeper in.

I'm still here. The idea wasn't to be hateful at all. It was an attack on the other YouTube channel. Oh, shucks, Mr. Danny. I need that iPhone now. That's beautiful. The idea was to attack these other youtubers who don't have any original ideas in their fucking head and what they do is they get suggestions from their audience in the comments of what to say to people it's called comment trolling and it's how a lot of people make a

good living here on youtube and i figure they're such airheads that if their fans were tricking them and telling them to make people do blackface, these kids wouldn't even know. And they'd go out and they'd act out all the challenges. And that's what we were going for with this video. Well, you achieved it.

I still have about a minute left to go. What's the video called? Giving students iPhones to do blackface. Check it out, boys. Yeah. Easily monetizable content. Absolutely. Yeah, that's what you need to do sponsored by reflon sponsored by iphone and apple really i highly doubt it is their ceo tim cook he thumbs upped it he did he did i saw him do it

so what else is uh what's new new in the Danny Mullen world? You're still traipsing about, making fools of people, having a fun time. Yeah, and I'm so excited to be on this podcast finally with a working microphone. People who saw me last time, they know the battle. I actually brought a Bombay Sapphire bottle that I piss in every night when I have to pee here. I'm just going to piss, put my penis in it on air so I don't have to leave the screen ever i got two varieties of sparkling water i'm ready for a fun old evening with the boys oh nice why do you pee in a bombay gin bottle or sapphire gin whatever it is the thing about getting up and walking down the hallway to urinate in the toilet is it messes with your rem sleep and somebody who

has comedy to write and comedy to perform. I can't have this. I need every practice minute. Yeah. Yeah. You need to, you got to piss in an old, that's just a, I wouldn't feel comfortable pissing in anything with colored glass. Cause it distorts what's actually in there.

You know, like that blue. And well, but then you might accidentally make, like I would never piss in this gate, a yellow Gatorade zero. I smell everything. But that's clear. I would never piss in this. A yellow Gatorade Zero. I smell everything I drink. But that's clear.

There's actually mold forming around the top of the blue glass, too. This is a biohazard. Those are your offspring at this point. You think there's a little bit of cum in there? I wouldn't be surprised. So that's a blue thing. You finish it off, you piss. It's a little bubbly after.

I kind of want to see how green it goes. Like, if you pee yellow in the blue glass. Well, I got news for you, Woody. That's going to be all the way full to the top before the podcast is through. Nice. I look forward to this time stamp. People are jumping ahead right now. You ever piss in your car?

Yes, and I've masturbated in my car several times too. Yeah, me too. But when you piss in your car... I've never done that. Really? You've never, ever pissed in your car? No, no, no. I've never beat off in my car... I've never done that. Really? You've never, ever pissed in your car? No, no, no. I've never beat off in my car. I've pissed in my car.

All right, let's do it one at a time here. Okay, no, I have peed in my car before while I'm driving in dire straits. If you have a nice Gatorade bottle or something to try and do. Those Gatorade 32-ouncers are perfect. Your cock goes all the way in. Well, you don't panic the way you do with a 20-ounce or a 16-ounce water bottle because you start... Or a 12-ounce can!

I've never peed into a can. I don't want to cut the tip of my penis. That's Russian roulette right there. Yeah, no. The 32-ounce ones are the way to go. Sometimes you baffle yourself where you're like, I had 31 ounces of pee in me. That's the way it works. That'll be the brag, but I'm quite the hydrator.

Yeah. I piss in the car on a regular basis. Like way more than you would imagine. I would say like anytime I drive more than two hours, like what I'll do is I'll leave my home. Yeah, I'll go by the gas station. Go ahead and fill up with gasoline. I'll get myself a drink to drink

usually like a diet dr pepper or something like that and then i'll get a bottle to piss in i'll get like one of those you know 32 ounce gatorades i'll dump that shit right out immediately that's a piss bottle right there i'm not drinking that i got i got two dollars to spare and so i'll keep that on the side at Atlanta traffic is brutal. Brutal. You never know when you're going to get bogged down. Eight miles per hour for 45 fucking minutes. A drive that normally was going to take you an hour and a half.

Three hours. You're still fucking going. And I am more than ready. If I get the slightest urge to piss piss i'm cracking that bitch open and filling her up i've never peed in my car i don't like it i don't like the existence of a pee bottle in my car i have a friend that lives in a van i prefer it and every time you open the side door which is like his front door into the abode that he lives in uh there's like a pee bottle on the kitchen counter that is in his van. He lives in a van.

And I just like that's not Gatorade. It looks like Gatorade. It's not Gatorade. If it looks like Gatorade, he needs to be drinking more. It shouldn't look frothy. Hey, he lives in a van. But like anyway, so I wouldn't want to have a pee bottle like what by the where the passenger's feet would go or something or in your cup holder i don't know where this pee bottle goes but all these i dispose of it at some point i don't know you throw it out of your window i'm not collecting

piss i've got something to say here i did a move called the piss cycle for a video the video is called drinking pits in front of people i drove from la to sacramento and here's what i would do it's kind of like your move but instead of pouring out the gatorade pissing in the bottle and dumping out the piss what i would do is i'd pee in the big mouth gatorade immediately drink it wait until i had to pee again pitch back into the bottle and then immediately drink it so it was a perpetual motion cycle of liquid from la to sacramento without urinating in a bathroom once that's got to be really bad for you i heard about that after the fact that it's not good for your kidneys how many times did you recycle your pee it's constant because the second you let it out another full bottle of gatorade liquid it's piss it's not

gatorade unfortunately goes back into you immediately so there's never a point where you don't have to piss god but how i don't i don't understand that so you got a gatorade bottle like this you drink it all and then your body uses some of it, right? So maybe you can only fill it up to here once you're pissing. Are you poking a hole in his perpetual motion machine? From what I remember, there were times when I had more urine in my body

than could fit in the bottle. So what you have to do is you have to pinch it off, start chugging, and then go again. How did it taste? Was it sweet or salty? It tastes like moldy alfalfa that's been left out in a rainstorm. I've never drank my own piss,

but I've been told that it's quite salty. Have you drank someone else's? What? Have you drank someone else's? No. You just stressed the word your own. Yeah, yeah. He's like, I never drank my pee.

So you can see why we would get... A golden shower. I think it took a little bit of a leap there. I got the impression somebody else has tasted your pee, though. Of course they have. Do tell. What are you, a square? She's watching right now.

She said it was very salty and I apologize. I try to hydrate before we have our fun. But, you know, I hear it was very salty and i apologize i try to hydrate you know before we have our fun but you know um all right i hear it's very salty and uh and so i i try to hydrate as much as i can before i you know you know get it water sports yeah yeah it's being considerate yeah yeah as soon as it starts tasting sweet though you know you need to make some completely different life decisions yeah because then you got the beat us you got the juice did you do the water sports As soon as it starts tasting sweet, though, you know you need to make some completely different life decisions. Yeah, because then you've got the beatus.

Did you do the water sports in the shower? Bathtub. Okay. Sort of cheating. More room there. That's safer, too. You don't want to do it on your nice duvet. No.

Right? I haven't done it. I'm not into water sports. But imagine what starts off in a bed with rubber sheets and this naughty, naughty time would become, after the fact, a puddle of cold piss that you're all covered in and a real cleanup ordeal that is no longer attractive. That just, that's no longer attractive. That just... That's not for me. If I was with somebody and they were into being peed on, as long as it was in a bathtub,

somewhere hygienic, whatever, that's fine. You've told me stories about peeing on girls. Yes, but... You actually haven't, but I was counting on the fact that you would forget. Now I know you beat on girls okay i was never with those girls you know other than like a couple nights or something

so was there running water going on you guys are all saying in the bathtub i'm picturing with no the way it's happened in the past is you have the shower it was on i had the shower hitting my back to kind of block the water from moving. You hit her right in the face. The water's on my back, and then you proceed with the pissery. Then you're very safe. Everything's contained. Nothing's icky.

If someone wanted to pee on me, I don't think I would like that. I'd be like, all right, below the knee while the water's hitting it. Oh, below the knee. Yeah, whatever. Sure, another man could do that to you.

I don't have a jellyfish bite, Woody. Let's calm down. Look, I'm trying to fulfill her fit. Not everything I do is going to be my favorite thing. Can we meet in the middle? I'm going back to Taylor on this one. Yeah, go for it. You enjoy a bit of pissery?

It's fine. It's not really getting me off. Wait, Taylor, were you pissing into an open mouth or onto some titties? What were you pissing on? No, not mouth, just on. Oh, I looked at the mouth. Oh, no.

I mean, there are probably some straggler drops that fired right in there. Taylor, you're water sports lightweight. If this was the YMCA, you'd be a minnow. Like a gurgle. Yes. Yes, I do. OK, well, I mean, got to find a foster care girl. That's the way she goes.

The titties and everything is all over the place. I, you know, I save up. I'm like, all right, i know you know i save up like i'm like all right it's time you save up you're just sitting there like let's fool around come on oh i'm hydrating watchers on the way over i'm getting ready i'm just there's a friend of mine i mean more of an acquaintance really that i was in uh and he you know everybody showered after every single sport because you get sweaty and you know you got classes and shit you don't want to be that gross guy who all the girls are talking about smelling like bo and so everybody would shower and you know there's an unavoidable thing when

you shower kyle knows this from his prison days that you have to angle yourself toward the crowd of people because it's just a big chamber with a bunch of spigots, and you wash your hair like that, you know? Like, you don't turn away. You got to have your eyes all over. I guess you had a little more privacy than that. So there was this kid, Joe, that would just walk up to people, and this was not like one or two times. It made him laugh so hard to just wait until somebody turned around

and was washing their hair like that and he would run over behind him this kid's like five foot one little fatty and he would go over there and he would start pissing on the back of people's uh like calves and thighs as he walked down and like by the time they turn around they're like oh what the fuck and he just run away he's just he's a little goblin of a guy he'd like i'm gonna ha, ha, ha. I'm going to tell you right now. I'm going to tell you right now. And I bet Woody agrees with me. Shout out to Joe from the shower. That's what we call an ass whooping.

Yeah. I was like, I'm thinking if this happens to me, how am I supposed to react to this guy? Right? Because I like to be honest, I'm like a three out of 10 mad at that. I don't care that much if he's peeing below the ankle while I'm in the shower. On the other hand, I feel somewhat obligated to respond. Exactly. That's the thing, right? It's not the act.

It's the implied indignation. Yeah. It's that everyone knows that you just urinated on me. I feel like I have to do something to reclaim some level of dignity. Yeah, he wasn't retarded. So basically what he would do is – Wait, are we talking about retardedness or are we talking about like a silly guy?

He's saying he wasn't being dumb. I'm saying he wasn't retarded. He wasn't being dumb. That's an ass whooping. He was my age. I guess we were like – if we were seniors at the time, whatever. And he was much, much smaller than even a lot of the freshmen. But he wasn't going up to me or other seniors he was going up to vulnerable freshmen or sophomores

and then he would revel in the laughs of the larger people yeah it was a bit of p you know it's not as funny looking back yeah i don't like this guy i don't like this guy like imagine this right any consol, his life is not going great. And I think I know his kink. But if I was in the shower and someone hawked up a loogie and spat it in the center of my chest, I'm in the shower. It's comparable to the other offense. It's like a three out of ten. But I feel like – It's the disrespect.

I'm not okay with someone treating me like that. I feel obligated to equalize our relationship again. Beat the shit out of him naked? No, I'm more of a wrestler. No, I'm going to wait. That's the thing. I'm going to pretend like I don't care. And I'm going to rinse off, and I'm going to go get dressed.

And you're going to come out naked, and I'm going to beat the fucking shit out of you. I'm going to sucker punch you right away. You're not going to know what's coming. Yeah, there's not going to be a whole like, hey, you did this to me and let's shove each other three times each and then let's point. No, I'm immediately going to deck you. I'm going to hit you as hard as I fucking can right here and try to knock you unconscious. And then I'm going to kick you a lot.

And as I kick you, I'm going to kick you a lot. And as I kick you, I'm going to explain to the people who are watching why I just did all of this. You're not going to have that much time in the way ours was structured because we had our PE coach who was always meat-gazing. He would have been on you like white on rice. He was a meat-gazer? He was a big-time meat-gazer. Oh, I don't like that.

Just pop right in and look at dick height. Be like, boys boys third hour starting soon and be like coach i'll tell you what stop looking at my dick how about that there was no meat gazing in prison no well this guy did not know prison rules he just knew i got unlimited access to to you know teenage cock here yeah boy boy dick yeah see you guys were talking about having or having not urinated in a car i don't know if i'm the only one but i can't recall a single time i've showered in public in front of other men what i have a i have a terrible looking limp penis where and i have rather large

testicles so it's just not a good thing unless it's a full hang or i got a little bit of blood running yeah i honestly like like like my sports career did not involve public showering like with the prison style like fucking oz open room and even when i went to prison for a little while like we had stalls so i too have never i mean mean, I'm sure some dudes saw my ass or something like that. But, like, who the fuck cares? I don't care. I've done it hundreds of times. After a couple times,

the thing becomes not getting naked in the shower. It's like, I wonder who brought the highest quality shampoo and soap that I can gank today. No, you don't. I know what your shower... I know what your shampoo and soap situation is. You're like a fucking gas station truck stop. All right?

You have a pump in your fucking shower that does like five or six in one. It's like, oh, yeah, it's shampoo, soap, conditioner, moisturizer, anti-lice formula. That's my shampoo when I'm alone. What I'm saying is when I would get in the shower after a game or whatever, if I see somebody that's got a nice – they've got that coconut milk. It's like this shape bottle. It's really, really nice. And someone's got that.

It's like, dude, come on, hit me up. Come on, come on, hit me that. Suddenly I forgot my shampoo for cleaner. Yes, suddenly I forgot my Drano slash Old Spice. Can I please use your coconut milk? Is that Drano brand? Yeah, your hair's just burning off. That's 409 shampoo

skins falling off my scalp like potato chips yeah i've also never showered in like the open environment i showered woody one time in sort of a stall type situation at a at an mma gym up in chicago but you know we were in our stalls with little uh you know the very similar to prison style by the way if you recall how that went down you know little with little uh you know very similar to prison style by the way if you recall how that went down you know little stalls little curtain you pull you know everybody's all private you know that's where i've seen the majority of my male penis is in jujitsu and mma gyms and i always dislike the guy who has a big cock and makes a point of taking his sweet fucking time putting the towel on and getting back into his shorts and going out to do a couple rounds they do that those guys i do it on purpose like i've heard uh there's a guy on the stern show

nothing wrong with that there's a guy on the stern show who's like i feel personally attacked like if if we were actual rpg characters in a video game you know you get all these stats you know like let's say they'd say they're 1 to 10. Strength, charisma, speed, magic. Magic. Alright, magic. Tell me. This guy is like a 1 in every single skill. I think he

literally has some sort of deformity. He has a speech impediment. And how do you know him again? Where is this? This is Stern Show guest oh who is he what's his name i'm i'm i'm suffering it's probably like it might be elephant boy it might be elephant boy i'm not sure but in any case he's got a hog he's got a big old like nine or ten inch cock and so like like he limps his way into that gym fuck and he takes his time he yeah naked you know like like he's not got a towel on he's strutting he's strutting showing it off i guess i could kind of understand that if you're like a one out of ten

in every other regard it's like look this is my one thing. All right? You know? Look, all of you are out there with your 9 out of 10 charisma hitting on people and making funny jokes. You other guys are 7 out of 10 fucking strength. You're out there fucking pushing plates. Why can't I be in here with my 8 out of 10 cock? I allow it. Dangling.

I'll allow it. Why is it weird that i wear those tight olympic bathing suits to work you've got the underwear that literally is it shaped like an elephant on the trunk i was wearing those when i was arrested were you really yes it was so embarrassing dude that is that's worse than the prison. I had yellow underwear on when I was arrested that had the elephant face and the trunk that your cock actually goes into. It's like a trunk. The stripper underwear. What do they have aside from elephants?

Are there horse noses? Maybe anteaters or something? Oh, yeah. I don't know. Anything with a long nose. Anything with a little aardvarks. I really don't know, but I had the elephant on. It was yellow. It had an elephant face

and it had the trunk and my cock is in the trunk. I just thought it was cool. I thought it was funny really more than anything. It is funny. It's definitely not cool though. Fair enough. You were talking about the RPG levels of dick size

and how it's okay if the rest of your stats are really low. Somebody told me the other day that Ronaldo, the soccer player, has a giant cock, and that made me so mad, and I hope so much that that is not true because that is the kind of thing that would make the Earth disintegrate. That is 10 on all levels across the board on stats, and it's bullshit.

Tommy Lee was that. Tommy Lee, the rock star who was married to Pamela Anderson. He had hepatitis, though, so his stats are a little lower. He got it from her. But he was a 9 out of 10 in every stat. He's a rock star with a huge dick. Super charisma yeah super wealthy like like all the way across the board good looking guy hep c you know who has a pretty

big dick justin bieber that's bullshit too i've seen it yeah he's he's he claimed there was shrinkage but did he make a sex tape no no he just ran outside naked. He was in a spot where he... It's not huge, but it's a good size. He's above average. Well above average. He was frolicking naked with this girl around a pool, and he claims there was shrinkage at the time. I learned about it on Carpool Karaoke.

He claimed there was shrinkage at the time, and it's just like, fuck off, you and your shrinkage. See, he's a piece of shit though oh you know you couldn't spend more than an hour with that guy without attacking him with a blunt object so again his rpg stats are low in some places and i can live with his big penis and 250 million dollars that level of fame and wealth ruined you as a kid totally having 250 million dollars god i'm so jealous of all those people anyone

who's even got like what eight digits of money yeah so jealous there are children who leave the house youtube videos playing with toys they're doing toy reviews that's getting like eight million views a video outrageous yeah and then like it was a while back where it was like the elsa and spider-man videos where it was like elsa blows spider-man's load all over her princess tits and then it's like was it that extreme for real no i'm being hyperbolic it would literally be like spider-man blows his wad and it would show like elsa with a web all over or something. That level of degenerate. That's not far from the hyperbolic version.

It's really not. That is just cool to do for a year or two on YouTube. All those videos had so many fucking views. You're saying that for kids' content, the people who are making the videos would go out of their way to make a sexual title and thumbnail so that five-year-olds would subconsciously their sex drive would kick in and they'd click on i don't

know why they did it but it was absolutely like it would just be like a bad spider-man costume like the kind i would buy if i was doing like a tongue-in-cheek spider-man for the halloween show like that and then a girl who looks nothing like the character from uh frozen like in the middle of a street next to recycling bins. He's like air humping at her and she's like going like doing little spell things. It's fucking weird. It's because I'm kind of,

it's some kind of cult thing. And it's a language that they are not. We as commoners do not know. There have been multiple, there have been multiple waves of YouTube kids content, pedophilia scares where it came out that there were 14 year olds doing bikini reviews and the comment section was saturated with men just leaving vaguely masturbatory comments like oh yeah when she turns around at one minute and 38 seconds

oh just shit like that there was um jesus christ gymnast footage right but they were kids they were like eight years old 11 years old and the comments wouldn't even be as much as he said it'd just be timestamps 117 you know 232 and yeah those people should be put in jail well i left half those timestamps with my danny mullen so please subscribe before i get carted off it's just that sucks that like some mom out there some dad was like i'm so proud of little jessica i'm so proud of her i'm uploading this to youtube for all of our friends and family to see and then you got like daddy meat stick and kids are fun. Ha ha. 69.

And it's like, God damn it. We can't even do anything fun for our, our, I guess every video, little Jessica has got to be unlisted now. Can't do that anymore. Yeah.

The, there's some stuff that like sexualizes young people, dude, high school cheerleaders. Are we all supposed to believe that's not like a sexy outfit like this is weird right it's a normal part of our culture for them to have skirts that barely extend past their underwear and then just spin around and high kick the whole game i don't i don't know about you i've got like an ingrained thing i see i see one of those girls and i feel

internally that she's 17. I feel like I'm going to vomit. I feel like I'm going to just, ugh, ugh. If I sense that she's 18, I'm very attracted. If I sense she's 17, pure eye contact. It's just like, oh, what a sweet. Do you want me to buy some cookies from you, little girl? It's a weird thing. It's not until the next weekend.

And then like as a parent, parents are voluntarily letting their girls be cheerleaders and stuff, and we all just look the other way like it's normal. It's not normal. I think it's normal. Like, girls have a lot of fun doing cheerleading, and, like, they enjoy it. They go to competitions and shit.

That's my understanding. It's the outfit that makes it wrong. And the fact that most of the moves seem, not most, but a lot of the moves seem like high kicks and shit like that. Like the Rockettes, right? The Rockettes is a, I don't know, like some sort of G-rated, mildly erotic thing, right? Like the Rockettes. Cheerleaders do the same shit. Yeah, Rockettes even before my time, really.

But I don't know. It's weird. it's a weird thing that's been normalized i guarantee if i have a daughter i will jump over to exactly where you are where i'm like this is wrong and i hate it but if i have like a son and he starts fucking one of the cheerleaders you don't have any sisters right no all boys in my family so i've never had a sister but i've read on reddit from people who have had sisters the whole like fuck your mom thing is protected and private and you know they wouldn't they don't like the even thought of that like say their mom is divorced like she should be celibate forever but sisters ah go fuck my sister brothers are not as protective about sisters maybe i heard a guy fingering my sister in a cabin once it sounds like it sounds

awesome and what was your thoughts on that i heard him because it was me it was it was awful and i was so offended that she would be moaning loudly from another room while she knew I was asleep in the living room. And she denies it to this day that she was actually getting fingered by this guy. But I know her sexual history. She's a Randy gal, and I don't believe her. And I believe my name. Hmm. Grab handle.

You're right now. Is she older? I don't like Atlanta. She is in Michigan. Within the northern district of Georgia. I'd say an under $500 Southwest round trip flight.

You'll get there. Here, wait. Aerial aside, stop me. Stop. Healthy aerials. Labia size stop me in in tighter very tight introitus on her i've experimented just i got a lot of delta miles yeah are brothers not that protective about their sisters like you know like they're

i don't know. It doesn't. I have an older sister, which I think makes it different because she was the one that got me into drinking. She was never protective of me. Funny story. When I was 16 years old, I visited her in college and her 21 year old roommate sucked my dick. Oh, that's an awesome sister. Yeah.

Yeah. And my sister loved it. She didn't care at all she's for statutory rape for me hooking up with the girl she knew in law school so i couldn't in turn be weird about her getting banged by dudes when we were in vegas or in tahoe for some kind of joint party with myself and then her and her friends i just never thought that brothers and sisters could have the same relationship that like brothers could right i'm sure that taylor cheered on his brothers as they had you know romantic success here and there but for sisters i always i don't just assume to

be more protective but i guess it doesn't have to be it really never came up like i was never like hey you getting the poon this weekend like just fucking pussy and it just it it's never come up that's my favorite word for vagina i heard it i heard a new one today i was listening to old howard stern's actually envelope i get it it's nice right yeah yeah i'm liking it it's nice right yeah yeah i'm liking it what was it uh inner meat wallet that's from the bloodhound gang song yep yep yeah yeah that's hilarious i love the fucking gang bloodhound you actually love the bloodhound gang yes you've watched the music videos they are terrible they're so good every song is like a g chord to an E minor with some half-assed E-moxing over it. It's great.

It's fucking great. It's trash. That's why they faded into obscurity after one and a half LPs. Kiss Me Where It Smells Funny. It's great. All the songs. Now they probably have drug problems. Yep. I loved what's the one, you know,

like You and Me, Baby Ain't Nothing But nothing but mammals so let's do it like they do on the Discovery, it's great, that music video with all those hot chicks and they're dressed as monkeys they're hopping around, I did like that part where they're dressed as like marmosets, hopping around the city, yeah I bet you did that was my favorite part I didn't even notice there were women in that music video

and the ballad of Chasey Lane dear Chasey Lane, i wrote to constrain i'm your biggest fan i just wanted to ask can i eat your ass right back as soon as you can it's great i've listened to that one you've had a lot of dick i've had a lot of time you've had a lot of it's so good you know that kid jimmy pop elite singer was an intern on howard stern oh i didn't know that that's cool it's true they brought him in after he got famous singer, was an intern on Howard Stern. Oh, I didn't know that. That's cool. It's true. They brought him in after he got famous, and he was a guest on the show after being an intern,

which is sweet. Cool. It's pretty fucking tight. That's tight. I'm a pretty big Stern fan. I stopped watching about a year ago, I guess. I'm not a huge fan of the way the show goes now, but I love older Stern.

90s, the 2000s yeah yeah yeah with arty basically everything with arty is very good even some of the old jackie the joke man stuff is good anything where they've got like fucking whores and strippers and nonsense going on and like different kinds of weird games when they there's one where they have beetlejuice getting his is like pube shaped by a porn star and he's like super awkward where they have beetlejuice getting his is like pube shaped by a porn star and he's like super awkward um anything with beetlejuice honestly anything with a retarded person um i'm one favor i never liked the uh like even on like i i've given stern a chance you know i don't like the structure of it nearly as much as ona but like any time there was an episode

of ona or of like the stern i've seen it's like oh we got a oh we got a porn star coming in Robin or whatever the hell it'd be like alright skip I don't care it's gonna be or like even on ONA like all the comedians sitting around being funny being horrible to each other and then a porn star walks in then you got a bunch of simps like not being

funny UFC fighters and porn stars are the fucking worst guests on radio shows false the worst if you like ufc then i totally understand but yeah they're just not fun i agree with you ufc fighters are half retarded or not worth talking to but howard stern in the 90s the way he interviewed porn stars was so disrespectful and so Freudian. It would be all about who abused you. He would never take no for an answer. He'd come

in at various angles, delay his attack, come back again, and basically she would leave in tears nine times out of ten. Well, I haven't seen that. That is good content. That sounds like good content. I'll have to check that out. Kyle, send me a link later in the evening of what I recommend. I got you. I have all of that bookmarked.

It's great stuff. You know, I love anal ring toss. I love all that stuff. Like, like, like the. Oh, there must be something sticking out. Are you dumber than a box of rocks? Like, like, were they, you know, and he would be like, oh, I hate to say this, but you did lose. So you have to say the.

She's like, I'm dumber than a box of rocks thank you like you know they're they're fucking deep throating kielbasa and swinging strap arms that strap ons to hit ping pong balls that's good shit i would love with stern oh i'm sorry you go everybody i'm just gonna say you know ring toss doesn't sound awesome they should play anal lawn darts like that's the game i want to watch oh god it's not even a dildo it's still just spiked just got full howard dean launch the fucking dart what we say danny i was just saying the moment i fell in love with stern i remember it i was was working in a Vegas hotel and I was humiliated and embarrassed and tired after a long shift, put on my headphones, found a random clip. It was 30 minutes of Howard Stern abusing a fat woman who had called in for weight loss advice. It's been since been taken down by their producers, but it was the most

genius piece of radio comedy I've ever heard the whole thing is just all right listen to me you fat pig you're gonna find yourself a high school you're gonna start walking around the track where do you live ohio imagine ohio has its first earthquake you're gonna set off tremors in the earth just constant abuse and it was unbelievable to me that it wasn't scripted and that howard stern is long gone and i feel like any radio performer can't he was on just he was so on that day and i fell in love with the show ever ever since i like cruel mean harsh stern i i like the really mean version of him i i don't care if you're interviewing gwyneth paltrow or robert downey jr um i i don't need that i don't care if you're interviewing Gwyneth Paltrow or Robert Downey Jr.

I don't need that. I don't need to hear, oh, so do you still love Sarah Jessica Parker or Mr. Robert Downey Jr.? I don't fucking care if he still loves her. I don't fucking care about if he calls Matthew Broderick first and asks permission if he can have lunch with Sarah Jessica Parker. I don't fucking care. I want to hear about how he killed those two people in the car that one time yeah i want to hear about the most cocaine he ever did robert downey jr killed two people in a car matthew bodrick killed a family in a car yeah he got in a head-on collision and i believe two women died and he doesn't remember any of it

was he under the influence of anything or was it just an accident i don't think so or at least they didn't prove he was under the influence of anything and he didn just an accident? I don't think so. Or at least they didn't prove he was under the influence of anything. And he didn't do any time at all or he did maybe a week or something. I think he should have if he got into a car accident like that. I wouldn't mean it. Not if he wasn't. The man won a Tony.

Ah, well then he's fine. He's fine then. He can kill as many people as he wants. Those dead people but they can't i mean uh seeing an act was it caitlin jenner that that hit someone with their car that too it was it was bruce yeah it was bruce that transition was a tactical maneuver kevin spacey learned from it right charged me if i legally changed my name before the police arrived he's sprinting there putting socks it was like kobe bryant changing his jersey number Kevin Spacey learned from it, right? He charged me if I legally changed my name before the police arrived. He's sprinting there putting socks on.

It was like Kobe Bryant changing his jersey number after he raped a chick. Yeah. You can't be held responsible. Kevin Spacey changes sexual orientation. He didn't commit to the bit, so he got in trouble. But if he had done a full-on sex change, it would work like Bruce Jenner. That's true. That's how the law works.

It was surprising how that did work. There were real blue checks on Twitter who were like, not to say this excuses what Mr. Spacey did, but can we all admire how brave it is for him to come in? It's like, fuck you. He was sucking 13-year-old's dicks and shit.

No, he wasn't. Wait, did he do that? I don't know what he did. I like to just exaggerate it because it really upsets Kyle. It does, because I love Kevin's face. Nothing wrong. And there's not a living witness today.

Because I'm a man of one. The truth is, I dare him to speak now. How did the kid die? Did he kill himself? They all killed themselves. Because they were mad. They felt bad for lying on Kevin Spacey. Four bullets to the brain.

Suicide. That's right. And I'm sorry for trying to interject there. I just want to say before everybody hates me, I don't believe Kobe Bryant actually raped that girl. She sounds like a real screwy broad. Oh, he raped that girl. He raped that girl. She had the semen of like three other dudes in her panties.

No, she didn't. Yes, she did. That's a lie from the Kobe Bryant legal team. It is. Yeah, no. Her pussy was all beat up or something and they said that was consistent with having sex with other people, but there was no proof and she said that wasn't true. She's like, no, that's consistent with having sex with other people but there was no like proof and she said that wasn't true she's like no that's consistent with having sex being raped by an all-star yeah yeah exactly he's got stamina can you imagine how hung he is what is how tall

is kobe i'm gonna make it up six seven something like that yeah something like that meanwhile jordan's fucking fucking who my rapist friend is dead that was he's like coffee made me responsible for another crying meme yeah look i like the self-awareness look i got a problem if you're just going to ignore that the man was a rapist but in this me too generation where people are going down fucking left and right for even making a comment you can't even jerk off and for some in front of somebody after asking permission. Louis C.K. did nothing wrong. Louis C.K. did nothing wrong.

I support him. People going down because you had a bad date with them. And meanwhile, that poor little guy, Aziz Ansari. Yeah, he couldn't hurt a fly. No, couldn't. Fly would kick that guy's ass. He's tiny. He's Indian.

He's weak. Come have a fly. No, couldn't. Fly would kick that guy's ass. He's tiny. He's Indian. He's weak. Come have her first. No chance. I heard more about Louis C.K.'s side watching the Jerry podcast. And I started to come around to your side on this. Like Louis C.K. So the reports were he did some stuff that wasn't cool, like stood in front of the door and things like that. And he's talking to Jerry and he he's like i can't defend myself you know like i i did masturbate in front of girls who maybe unbeknownst

to me felt like they were obligated to stick around because you know he's had a better career or something but he's like i thought i was just picking up girls that stuff about me standing in front of the door is completely untrue. I have never done that. I would never do that. And I feel like I can't put my truth out there because it's not well received. And I'm like, well,

that's rough. Part of the way they, like they intentionally leaked or not leaked, but the media expressed the information dishonestly when they're acting like 2017 Louis C.K., top of the world, one of the most powerful guys in comedy. They're acting like it was that version of him and not the like 2007, you know, going on Opie and Anthony getting spots like not a powerhouse at all kind of guy. And so it's like he was not the the king how powerful you are if you ask one if you can masturbate in front of her and she says yes then you've got the fucking green light i agree with you it's just i didn't like how they totally sarah silverman okay test

me if he could jerk off i said yes because all the computers and shit get the fuck out of here he asked for like 60 000 sar000. Sarah Silverman, I think I have my facts right here. She was like, he jerked off in front of me, but this isn't a me too situation at all. I was cool with it. It's like, all right, go girl. She's got some big old titties. Does she? Oh, yes.

Well, she's a little past the prime now. Let me help you out. She's probably in her 40s now. I've seen the full frontal i wasn't overly impressed what celebrity hasn't shown tits that you wish would show tits she's mainly a question for cox i don't know actress's name. Jessica Alba. Jessica Alba. She's never shown boobs. Never. Who's the other one?

The other Jessica. Beale. Beale's done some. Oh, Beale immediately. She was still doing Seventh Heaven and she showed titties. What? Oh, wow. Yeah.

All right. Best 49 Sarah Silverman boob pictures. God, the internet is awful. Oh, how terrible. Shocking how quickly I came up with that as well. It's just funny that the people inventing this were like, are you going to be able to share theories with your federal scientists anywhere in the world

at a given point? Now it's like 49 fucking titpicks. These are all safe to show. If anyone scroll ahead, these are okay, right? None of these look like full frontal. There are nudes out there, but I don't think they're going to exist on this website. Yeah, I'm scrolling.

I'm through like five. There's 49 of these? All right, I get the gist. It's the same. Same bitch. Yeah, it's pretty cute. It's big old boobies. Very nice.

Do you guys ever jerk off to just titty porn where it's a girl with a huge rack and that's all it is and she just dances around with some oil on her tits? That's all I jerk off to. I've been really into it. Not since you were 13, Kyle. What are you into now? There needs to be some suffering.

Water sports. Pain, suffering. If she's not clearly showing signs of regretting being here, then what's the point? Yeah. Okay. Well, Woody? I like the ones where they're like, yeah, you wish you hadn't come here now, don't you,

whore? Pow! And they smack it. And she's just like, yeah. And they're just continuously spitting in her face. Bitch, what did you think happened in this dungeon? And you start wondering, where is this guy coming up with all this spit? You know, what did he eat before tonight? Because he's just-

And her face is glazed. Are there more people off camera? Is this special effects spit? I got a leashed llama in the room with him. Take that llama spit! Have you guys ever looked up adriana chechik are you familiar with her work i do not know who that is no she specializes in getting huge penises huge sex toys up her ass she's actually been successfully triple anal that's her thing oh jesus yeah that sounds right up kyle's alley because it's never about pleasure it's always about how many things and how big of things can we put up this bitch's ass i have seen some big things up butts yeah they get sent to me sometimes in like paramotor chats and shit

i don't want to have my penis in a woman touching another penis Well, that's because you're a fag. That's, you know what? I'm getting like a brain scramble on that trying to unravel what's happening. The other guy's in the asshole and he's like, dude, you don't want to fuck ass with me? It's like, what a quandary I'm in. Oh, wow, they are in there there are you watching the triple ladle um it looks like it looks like maybe one in her ass and two in her pussy at this point there's a bonafide three in

ass scenario that i've seen that's all right this will do it for me okay oh no another girl's fisting her oh based on what i've seen it seems like the butt is more stretchable. Of course. Out of the gate, it's the tighter one. But with enough enthusiasm and motivation, you can put bigger things in the butt than you can in the pussy. Very malleable. I think girls are less protective of it

because they don't want to maintain their tightness for their husbands. They're like, yeah, bowling ball, wine bottle, and shove it up there. Yeah. The porn stars. Interesting. I've double vaginaled a girl. Really? With two penises?

Yeah. It was me and my buddy who lives in Vegas who has a rather large penis, much larger than myself. So him alone is already doing some damage to a girl typically and then my little shrimp it squeezed it along the top some dirty whore did you really were did you go into it thinking you know buddy this is going to be a good time or that kind of just organically evolve into being him and i have had sex with about 10 of the same women we were in college

together i lived with him in vegas for a period so it had gotten to the point where everything else was boring to us we double penetrated a girl ass and vagina double blow jobs and shit so now i think we finally reached the end of the road we were looking forward to it he's not quite there you're one step more fucking each other you know what bro what do we need these bitches for dude if i just get a bunch of coconut oil and go like that come on join me look at this variable pressure let's go have a good time and get a condom on oh i think that condom that might have been gross it might have been gay if i didn't have i'm actually curious so i'll ask when you double

vaginaled a girl did you bring lube or was she able to create all that you needed i don't remember there being any lube great that i was on a lot of alcohol and a little bit of adderall but i'm pretty sure i tried to maintaining an erection yeah i tried to fist her at one point just because i was fucked up and i wanted to do some activities i was wearing her around my entire hand and she kept stopping me i think she knew it was very possible to fist her but she knew my respect for her would plummet if I successfully inserted one. So what was the movement like as you were liking you more and more by the moment? Danny kicks ass.

So when you're, when you, so these are, these are your dicks. Yeah. Yeah. Were you going at the same point? You're going like that together or variable movement kind of getting like

a shimmy. Before he answers Taylor, what's less gay, this or this? This is like two swans who are mating, so I think it's gayer to go in unison. Really? He stayed stationary, and I just humped along, so I was using his penis for friction. I think that's gayer. I think when he becomes your vaginal wall, he's stimulating you. Whereas if you go together, that's great.

So he's behind you, leaning back with his penis in there. You're kind of straddling and on top of him in front, sneaking your dick on the top ridge. She's reverse cowgirl, right? Exactly. That's how it was, Woody. It was reverse cowgirl. Yeah, he was on his back on the bed penis

facing the heavens she was on her back on top of him reverse cowgirl but them both flat on their backs and then i was in traditional missionary okay the pieces are falling into place yeah and that was a lot of fun huh it? It was something. It stimulated me. And I've had a girlfriend ever since, so maybe it's fulfilled my need for any kind of sexual stimulation for a while. Did you cum that night or no because of the Adderall and the booze? You know, you can have sex with your girlfriend too.

That's kind of what they're for. That's what I've learned since. He's like, my sexual stimulation needs are met. They were for a while man it's you can't really go any further with drunk random hookups and experimentation after that no you've you've kind of blew your load so to speak you got all the way there and there's nowhere else to go unless i again take it to pure gay anal sex which who knows i'm starting to get bored with my girlfriend would you ever go back and maybe double buck fuck a girl with your friend you know if you're ever

a single man again and there is another boss character yeah that's that could be something else then you know that's probably a little grosser i can imagine the stink fills up faster in the room the stink you know you want me to dump my girlfriend live on air i'm ready to get to it yeah i'm gonna find that girl vegas again yeah that'd be great radio i'm not quite ready to do it or slap her around a little and then break up with her insult to injury yeah yeah um i'm sorry i let you down kyle i want to make him happy and call her up and say mean things but i'm not going to. We'll FaceTime later.

Don't worry. Okay. Kyle always gives great advice. Trust whatever he says. Let me do a quick ad read. All right. It seems time. Hey, Bluetooth, let's talk about sex.

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that night. I could use some for sure. Erection was certainly a problem. Does Adderall ruin your. I could have used some for sure. Erection was certainly a problem. Does Adderall ruin your erection? Oh, Jesus Christ. You really filled that sucker up. That wasn't bad. Woody, do you want to examine the color here? It is the green I was hoping for.

Yeah. I don't know why I asked for that. That certainly doesn't look like gin, so that's safe. And you can see the frothiness on top. Yeah, and the mold up around the neck. It's beautiful what I've made here, really. You know, you could really always just use... You could get a new bottle.

I'm nostalgic. Now, I've been pissing in this bottle since before I fucked your future grandma in the ass with a friend's dick as well. You know, we used to have such fun times in Vegas.

Do you still have the contact of the double vaginal woman? You could call her? She actually messages me from time to time in a slightly flirtatious way. She's got two boys, two children, and that's the reason I wore a condom. They must have just cartwheeled out of there.

Because she's fertile? She's fertile, yeah. She's not willing to have an abortion, apparently. My buddy raw-dogged her, and he had the whole Plan B scare, was freaking out, had to keep tabs on her for nine months afterwards. I don't regret my

decision to wear a condom no i wouldn't either i don't know if i'd find myself in that scenario but pussy you know you did it did you guys go into it thinking we're gonna fuck that pussy together or was it like oh man we found one prostitute might be a problem to fuck to find another let's just see i don't know it sounds douchey talking about how we were planning to do this but because we double vagged a girl it's got enough gayness that i can talk about it and not feel like a douche but we had another girl lined up that weekend who he'd been prepping grooming if you will to get double vagged and then at the last she was flirting with the idea,

but at the last moment, I think she got a little bit spooked, made some bullshit excuse about a bowling league. And so this other girl who'd been coming on to my buddy Adam accompanied him to the club. And at one point, a guy in our squad, actually he's our cameraman, Nico, if you watch my videos at all, he's like a man-child. He can't hold his liquor.

He's 5'6". He got kicked out of the club. my videos at all he's like a man child he can't hold his liquor he's five foot six he had to get he got kicked out of the club adam who was making out with the girl with fake titties who he had later double vaginal he has to walk nico back to the safety of his own apartment and while i see my window i swoop in like a hawk grabbing a salmon and i start making out with the girl too start whispering some things in her ear and then by the time he gets back she's open to the idea her attraction for both of us was substantial I guess

or sufficient sufficient is all I need enough is as good as a feast yeah that's so funny we drove back we picked up booze and condoms on the way home and then once we got back to the airbnb she immediately produced a vial of coke and started snorting it off our dicks so at that point all the ambiguity was basically gone she got a dragon

tattooed on her rib cage or some bullshit which is always a good sign yeah i bet her sons thought that was so cool. They heard all about it. Mommy, mommy, you forgot your lucky pile. Mommy, one of those cotton things tumbled out of your snatch again. Thank you, Trey. I'm going to have a nice night. Nice Dominican.

Thank you, Trayden. I'm going to go get fucked by a nice Dominicon. I'm going to go get double badged from some YouTuber and his crew. Oh, mommy, you're so cool. Which YouTuber is it? No, don't look him up. Is that a booty pie? No. Not Casey look him up. No, Pootie Pie? No!

Not Casey Neistat. Kind of. Is that why I look like this, Mommy? Was it Casey Neistat? No, your daddy was a circus performer. His name was Mongo. Because Casey's ugly. Yes.

Pick it on Casey. It's my fault that Casey gets picked on. Can't stop, won't stop. I don't think it's funny. Can't stop, won't stop. Can't stop, won't stop. Damn. It's a double magical story. I didn't expect that That's hilarious

That is so funny I don't get the Casey Neistat appeal I don't see why he gets millions of views per video I don't get it at all when I watch his content You've seen that movie Freaks right? I haven't seen Freaks I'm just being a real asshole i'm sorry he updated the whole vlog format like he raised the bar for it he's a movie he raised the bar as far as production but he's got the personality of a paper clip i can't watch

the dude do anything uh i don't know like it's not about his personality. It's like his work ethic and he's a maker, right? This whole maker thing where he's always creating stuff, usually storage or whatever. I don't know. He's like, you know what? I need a place to hang my headset. And all of a sudden he runs to Home Depot and gets some chains and some brackets and shit.

And he's got a real weird industrial looking headset holder type thing i made that example up but it's the sort of thing that he would do yeah uh and it's all like you can tell like he just took his last you know what five hours and wrapped it into 19 seconds of content it's like you do this every day today we're gonna craft a box to store my extra chromosome. I'm with you, Kyle. If I maxed out my credit card on the most expensive Sony camera on the market, set it up on a tripod and rode a skateboard down in New York City Street,

I could be Casey Neistat. You'd have to hit me in the face with an appliance first, but yeah, I should be. You'd have to somehow work 20 hours a day to put it all together. Like, that's part of the appeal. And he starts off as this sort of, like, roguish guy in New York trying to get his big break. And he moves on, and all of a sudden,

he's on, like, not just first-class international trips, but $47,000 plane tickets with bathrooms and stuff like the next level stinks woody he had a child out of wedlock i'm sure the child's ugly too he rides a motorized skateboard i would throw him in a trash can if i'd been in high school and he buzzed by me on one of those boosted boards there's a prop you'll need man i like you more and more by the moment that's one of the things in the in the blackface video that's a half that video is me just ripping into various youtubers specific youtubers that i hate i used to want to keep a lid on it because collaborations and expanding your audience but i i can't pretend that there anybody on youtube that i see on a daily basis is a funny or be talented they all stink and this platform is phil

all right so they all suck platforms phil who's someone that you think is genuinely why are you linking me a casey nice deck costume because he's gonna need it for his for his skateboard video video oh okay driving around like a goblin from harry potter you know yeah there must be someone on youtube who's good i've told you guys this that as far as podcasts go you're the only only YouTube podcast I respect. I think I signed off with that the last time I was on. Because I'm sure you guys too, you listen to Stern, Opie, and Anthony. We have sophisticated taste when it comes to radio. And so, well, here's another bridge I'm going to burn.

I don't think the H3H3 podcast with a fat guy and his wife mumbling into a mic is going to cut it. Am I wrong here? Oh, but she's so attractive. She looks like she just got a dose of radiation. How's the chemo coming? You've ruined

the collab they're about to give us. That bridge is burned. It doesn't exist anymore. I don't think she's that. I don't mind Ila or whatever her name is. I just don't think she's that i don't mind ela or whatever her name is i just don't think they're good podcasters i don't have any opinions on witches i'm not gonna fall for your have you seen this movie line now i know it's got witches they're ugly in it and you're saying that's ela

the only thing i know about that h3 podcast is when Bill Burr. She's just got dark circles under her eyes all the time. She looks like he's been keeping her up all night, slapping her around, telling her bad jokes. I mean, that's a distinct possibility. But I've never listened to the show, but there was a clip somewhere on Twitter a year or two ago, and apparently Bill Burr went on his show.

Let's talk about that. I'll check out a Bill Burr bit. That guy's hilarious. And it was whatever the H that guy's hilarious and it was like it was whatever the h3 guy's name is like i guess trying to recycle old uh yeah right but old bits that are like uh kind of lines of questioning that he's done before and you know burr he's like not playing the shit he's like what the hell are you doing what is this yeah why are you asking me about my daughter on the show you're gonna put in front of everyone but no

ask me about like he was like getting i don't want this for the show I don't can we get this out dude Bill Burr's a scary interview like terrifying oh yeah it's terrifying thank you I'm glad I'm not sometimes I watch people get interviewed and I put myself in there like how would I do how would this environment oh my gosh like the things I'd be the things about Bill Burr that interest me like hey yeah you've had every income level at some point during your career how has that changed you how does it how does it fame how's every what is it like for everyone to have an opinion on you like those are things i'd like to hear bill burr get real about there's a super chance he just turns that

on me and makes me look like an asshole and i couldn't yeah you can't go like battle of wits with bill burr well I'll lose anyway. Imagine trying to make a joke. Imagine how nerve wracking it'd be to make a joke in front of him and to stumble over your word and for it to fall on just silence. Be terrifying. If he didn't like African guy, my heart would break. Is African guy one of your characters? Mr. Bill, why do you not like this character?

Because of the lack of your characters? Mr. Bill, why do you not like this character? Because of the lack of... I like it. Everybody likes Mugumbe. Flight Lieutenant Mugumbe. He created a helicopter. That is the funniest video. I rewatched that the last couple months. Yeah, if Bill Burr doesn't like you interviewing him, he lets everyone know and he ruins you.

He roasts the fuck out of you. Yeah. Yeah. He doesn't. And then their audience turned their audience turned on H3 in the comments. They're like, wow, Ethan, you really came off looking bad in this. And they had Bill Burr on maybe six months later a year later because he had another special to promote and they do have a large audience so the comedians do stop by and uh I think Bill Burr knew

that he traumatized the two of them last time and it's really funny if you watch that second one it's just the h3 squad shutting their mouths and it's a Bill Burr monologue for the entire show really it's him trying to make amends for roasting him so bad last time so bill burr's like yeah i got a family now you know my daughter she's that's what it is the entire time just being nice he talked about his daughter uh that's bill stick to your guns yeah yeah i've watched the h3 podcast highlights of it time i just feel like they could be higher energy. It's pretty bad.

I mean, nowadays, if you have an audience, it's mandatory that you have a podcast to like Logan Paul just started a podcast. But becoming good at radio takes years, decades of listening to and practicing radio. None of these kids know who fucking Howard Stern is. They don't know the basic rules of being entertaining in this i don't know when to shut the fuck up and when to say something funny they're just they're like ah ethan seems very low energy to me like he's always very incredibly low he's got a so low and he's got a few like prepared questions or whatever and it just comes off like some sort of traditional broadcast television interview. I'm not too

into it. He seems like a very nice guy. I probably should have said those mean things about his wife. I don't even know he's married to that cool... I nearly doubled down. I'll stop. You never stop. You always double down. Fuck you. Fuck you and your cool wife.

I don't care. Oh, dude. He's a lovely lady. She's a wonderful person. She'll be a great mother, a life partner. She's probably a great supportive structure in your life. A great way to clean crows out of your cornfield. You want to keep the birds away from your crops?

Just send her out back. Maybe there's a couple of kids in the neighborhood who are throwing rocks. Send her out on the front porch. They'll be fucking terrified. There you go. Who needs Halloween costumes? What do you look like that?

The savings. I hope they come back at us like rap battles and we just do this every fucking week. They won't bother themselves. That would be so... we have nothing to lose very good for all of our careers with your ghoul wife what are you gonna say oh he's a felon oh that guy's got a big head oh that other fella's old get out of of here. I could pass for 46. Yeah, you could.

Are you doing Hila's witch voice? What is this now? I'm putting a hex on the Painkiller Already podcast. I'm going to say this right now. I would double vag Hila, and I think it'd be good timing, because I'm pretty sure she this right now. I would double vag, Eli. I think it'd be good timing.

So I'm pretty sure she just had a baby. Ooh, that's when they're primed for that sort of DP. Oh yeah. Magnificent. Blown out. Would you do it with your same buddy or would you grab another friend, pull him into the mix?

You auditioning? I'm loyal. I'm very loyal. Kyle, you want in on this? I'm a little thick, but it sounds, pull him into the mix. You auditioning? I'm loyal. I'm very loyal. Kyle, you want in on this? I'm a little thick, but it sounds like we can accommodate the situation. So is the other guy. He's six inches in girth.

I don't even know what that looks like. Is that diameter or is that circumference? That's circumference. Diameter? Diameter would be outrageous. Hilarious. I'm a child's head. Yeah.

My dick's actually, it's six inches in diameter. It's actually the same both this. Yeah, I can hang with that. I can hang with that quite well. So I think we're going to be prime. I think that'll work out just well. See, you guys are going to be like two peas in a pod. If you've got a six-inch cock and girth,

why do you avoid men's eyelines when you're showering? I don't get that. I thought you and I were bonding on that. Just shake them around, man. It was more about avoiding their eyelines in prison because you don't want to send the wrong signal. Yeah, yeah. And a big cock, that's a prize in prison.

They would have been right after you. Is it a prize or a punishment? Are you sure? I think they're paying more attention to the asshole, right? Yeah. That guy's got a nice shaved booty. I got kind of a nice butt. He does. And it's tight.

Or it was. It's nicely shaped. There's no hair back there. It's nicely shaped. So I tried to hide that. I feel like I'd do something. Like put some bacon grease on there. Grow some pimples pre-prison. That's my pre-prison maintenance. Oh, I hate that. I haven't had an ass pimple in years i can totally eat back well but if i was on my way to prison i'd want them i'd want to be acne but uh who's that guy that shit shit all over

himself to get out of vietnam and now he's like a weird country singer ted nugent ted nugent ted nugent ted nugent really yeah yeah he shit all over himself like he had to report i think to a physical for vietnam not pause about the physical thing but yeah and uh shit all over himself like he had to report i think to a physical for vietnam not pause about the physical thing but yeah and uh the doctors just were like this guy's not going i mean i didn't i wouldn't want to go to vietnam i probably would have like tried peeing all over myself and they're like you're fine it's like nope nope dude nothing but fiber one for a week on the hierarchy of wars I would least want to fight in it's got to be world war

one and then Vietnam is a close second yeah I think Vietnam was the worst frankly because it seemed like they were in the field like an enormous amount of time comparatively to the other wars like they were and the field as it amount of time, comparatively, to the other wars. The field, as it were, was these combat patrols

where it's like, we're going to walk off into the goddamn jungle, which is already terrifying, full of disease and discomfort and booby traps, and then the enemy's out there somewhere, at least in World War I. Alright, we're here in this fucking trench. Try to keep your feet dry, boys, and let's hope they don't shoot mustard gas at us

I would have to participate in a war where sense of direction is not very important I need good landmarks maybe urban fighting because otherwise I'm fucked I'd never get back just hang out with your buddies just stay close then I'm dependent on them

not being retarded too yeah I suppose I think just going to war is just a real close. Then I'm dependent on them not being retarded too. Yeah, I suppose. I think just going to war is just a real no-no. You don't want to do that. If this is too personal a question, just stop me. What made your brother enlist? My brother? Woody.

Your brother served. He did not. I don't know where you got that. I thought we were going to get personal. What the fuck? I don't think any of us have a brother who enlisted. My sister got fingered. It's the closest she got to it. Your sister was fingered by a troop.

He served some time in the Coast Guard. Sorry, he served some time in her. He did. He did that too. She got sand from Afghanistan up her snatch. And they gave her a UTI. You got a purple heart for that. And not just the purple heart on the end of the unit of the ones you suck.

Did you ever consider joining the military, Taylor? Oh, no. No. It looked hard, and you have to follow rules uh and it's just i don't know it never seriously crossed my mind that's interesting to me because i would think that you'd be the most likely amongst our group to be into that sort of thing because you did so many team sports you're already like part of that sort of like manly team effort kind of thing you're already doing showering with other men

the sort of regimen and the discipline and such but you know Marine Corps just I mean you got the head Danny touches dick so maybe he likes it why are you not wearing your helmet soldier soldier does not fit sir

private doctor cannot wear a fucking helmet soldier. Soldier does not fit, sir. Private Merker cannot wear a fucking helmet. What are we going to do with Private Merker? You know what from now on? You're Private Pothead. Give me a We're taping two helmets together for you.

Give him a big fucking soup pot on your head. You wear a rabbit pot hat. Why were you not in formation? Travel it. Did you not notice as you were going under the barbwire, you lost your pot halfway through? Get back there and get it. No, I definitely considered it because um i graduated

the handle under his chin taylor what are you 28 yeah all right so so i'm a are you did you just turn? When's your birthday? I'll be 29 in April. Okay. So let's just advance. You're 29. I'm 34. So five years difference. Five years before you were eligible was the golden age of joining the military.

I was very tempted because we were sitting in class watching fucking shock and awe right like it was like the second iraq war right yeah yeah of course yeah yeah i'm not i'm not i'm not your age i'll go next there we were we just watched no no i passed with two lanterns paul revere was coming and he was saying to war. The British are coming. By sea. By sea.

By sea. By sea. To a by sea. So, yeah, we were watching Shock and Awe on TV, and it was like, we're fucking going. Let's do this. They were blowing shit up left and right and stealth bombers and it was like man if i joined up right now they're gonna i'll be there in eight months like if i sign up now i'm there i'm on cnn in eight months and one of my buddies did that

they blew up a fucking building on top of and then he died i had a buddy who died too yeah god damn it's pretty isn't it to do that isn't it strange how that was because i'm 30 so i remember the early 2000s after 2001 september 11th back then if you had any questions about should we enter this war people like you fucking commie you piece of shit don't you love your country that was the mainstream that was cnn but now if you have blonde hair people just assume you're a fucking racist and a nazi it's crazy how the mainstream political persuasion used to be kill all towel heads and now it's kill all white people and the rich how it shifted in that time so you know there's a happy medium there somewhere the first iraq war is the one that I was in high school for.

I can't name any wars between that and Vietnam. Am I missing it? There were some actions, maybe filed some missiles. There was Kosovo. It was all in South America. Kosovo, he's right, but there were no ground troops there. It was just airplanes. We literally had zero American deaths.

So it almost seemed like going to war wasn't a thing that the military did so much right that we bombed i guess like you said but oh wait was there kosovo was that after kosovo was clinton clinton yeah no the first uh iraq war was uh bush's dad it was, yeah. Yeah. So I don't know what was between Vietnam and Iraq War, but I can't name it. Nothing big, big, big. And we were surprised when we went to war. Now it's just the normal state of affairs. We've been at war for the last 20 years or so. But I didn't know that going to war was a realistic risk of joining the military.

And before the second Iraq War, there was all this build-up we obviously wanted to go everybody was enthusiastic about it almost all the news media was piling on um we were shipping all the tanks there everyone knew we were about to invade these guys there was no proof of weapons of mass destruction but that wasn't going to stop us never stopped yeah we'll find the proof after the war starts. That's what we were saying. The first one, it almost seemed like we were putting tanks and people in place so that they would leave Kuwait. We kind of thought that a show of force would prevent the war. And when they invaded, it was a surprise.

I've told this story on the show before, but our teacher, who was a Vietnam vet, sits on the desk, which just never teachers didn't sit on desk he sat on the desk feet hanging at us and he holds up the paper and it said it's war in like the largest print you could like it was the top half of the local paper and he's like if you go to war i'm sorry if you join the military this is what can happen if you're in the military for any respectable length of time then you could go to war and it was just it was sobering and no it wasn't like kyle said people didn't want to go people were like fuck this is for real and yeah the first war there was this big build-up about how formidable a force they were you know they were supposed to be the fourth best defensive army in the world or something along those lines like it's espn right it's their secondary stats on the football team so iranian salmani really hamming them up with the defense there they're trying to get a sweep into the gaza strip no can

do yeah it was the first televised war i can think of too like there was some edited you know reviewed not live footage but you know uh before there but in iraq there's heraldo embedded with troops driving around like that police youtube channel you have now like you don't know what you're gonna get yeah did you watch that uh that wings redemption video where he's talking about his fiancee pieces of it yeah it was before the show and i was multitasking yeah he said she's a super religious virgin uh that he's known for like seven years or something like that that he's married this is like a marriage contract where it's like hey if i'm 34 and you're 34 and neither of us got hitched seal the deal yeah sounds close to that yeah and yeah i've heard that's one of the

healthiest ways and reasons to get married where'd you hear that i made it up just now it was it was fun he was like he was trying to explain like i guess i'm i don't even remember mentioning it but i guess i mentioned like a week ago or two or something about um having to move like downstairs to get away from him when he lived at my house. His version of things is hilarious. He was like, yeah, he tried to put me on this he couldn't come up with the word futon, but eventually the chat helped him out. He figured it out. He tried to put me on this futon. That didn't work out. Kitty bought me

a bed. First of all, not working out means that he crushed it and the steel legs broke off of it when he sat on it. Alright. Kitty went with him to purchase the bed. I'll tell you right now who's checking account the money came from.

I had a feeling. Alright, maybe it was Kyle's checking account. Nice i had all right like man maybe it was kyle's checking okay nice about these sort of things then he was like oh then one night i was listening to family guy and i guess maybe the bass got turned up a little bit in the move and uh and my sound was a little loud and he was like hey i'm trying to get my beauty sleep could you turn this down it's like he was thumping bass in my house right next to me continuously like my girlfriend and i are sitting there like what the fuck is this this is insanely inconsiderate what is i don't understand why if he's your guest at your house usually like if i came to your house i would be out there and

i would probably watch a movie with you because I'm a guest at your home. You wouldn't bring your subwoofers? No, I'd probably pack a duffel bag and show up with a wallet and my cards and ID. I'd share a vagina with you. He was like, my PC weighs 50 or 60 pounds. I'm like,

first of all, if your PC weighs 50 or 60 pounds, we need to discuss that right now. I don't know. Where you are in the universe. This is the optional kettlebell attachment. This is a cyberware muscle pump 3000. No, no.

Your PC doesn't weigh 60 fucking pounds. Come on. But he made it sound like that somehow had something to do with the bass getting turned up. I don't even understand. And then he made fun of the desk that I gave him. I'm sorry, but I did not, in fact, have a spare computer desk for him to use. I had a plastic table like you would serve Thanksgiving dinner if you have a whole bunch of people coming over so he made fun of that

and we've been to his house classy I'm sorry yeah yeah and then he made fun of the room he was staying in just stayed in that room it was a spare bedroom

what did he say that was shitty about your spare bedroom? He was like, you put me in a side room. He made it sound like I put him in a cupboard or something like that. A side room? I don't know what a side room is. You just threw his bag next to the water heater. You're like, get in there! Mush! He wasn't Harry Potter under the stairs or something like that.

It was a fairly large bedroom. That four rooms are on the side of a hallway. I wonder if he'd fuss. He threw an open jar of peanut butter in that room and by the time I grabbed it and turned around, the door was closed. Lights were off. Yes, I ate the jar of peanut butter, but I was

unfulfilled. It was crunchy. It was crunchy. Fuck people who like crunchy peanut butter. So just nonsense from Wings, as always. But wish him good luck with his upcoming nuptials he's made sure to rent a suit but buy a top hat he rented a suit

and bought a top hat honestly I will not cast judgment there because you're not going to have an opportunity to wear that suit all the time on his line of work this top hat, it could be the beginning of Fat Lincoln. We might be watching the beginning of that.

He's already got a Fat Lincoln hat. Then why? He's going to have two top hats? I don't know. I don't even have a single top hat. I don't have any top hats. I'm just glad we won't be the only people there in top hats. Man, you've got to piss a lot.

I've already got my top hat. I've just been housing sparkling water this whole show yeah somewhere i need to get yeah i don't know wings if you watch this consider a longer engagement i feel like this like i get it you want to be engaged you're excited you're doing your thing this is this is not be a man woody take your time right this is what men'm going to be a man Woody take your time this is what men do we own trucks and houses and we have wives with this woman and the government

I'm a man now right to be monogamous and in each other's company for the rest of your life until the day you die it's a big thing 8, 9 years from now, we're talking. If it doesn't work out, that's funny, this is the biggest financial mistake of your life.

If it doesn't work out, this is the biggest financial mistake you'll ever make in your entire life. Take it slow. She could take half that trailer. You'll be in a single wide. Engage, move her in, try on marriage, See if it fits.

No. Smash mouth marriage. Right up the middle. Get married, right? Yeah. Sign those fucking papers on the line. Kyle, both of you guys are potentially invited, right? Fuck no. No? I know Woody is, right? I thought I saw someone on Twitter telling me that you guys are invited. Someone in my Twitch chat may have

said I was invited, but it's the least reliable source on Earth, so I'm not sure. No, that's my Twitch chat. You know what the fucking play is, right, Woody? Be like, yeah, I'll absolutely be there. Can't wait. Call him the night before.

Be like, you know? Oh, Jesus Christ. Don't think I can make it. Yes, there'll be a little extra jello to go around. That would be so fucking mean. Be like, I'll be there. Not, bitch. My Twitch chat tries to convince me that members of the 76ers are injured

every time I stream so is it confirmed that Wings is getting married like this is a real thing or is it just kind of still just something he said to the screen no no it's a real thing over under on the value of the of the cost of the of the engagement ring taylor i i want to see where you are if you've already seen it

because i know what it's what what it was if i've seen i don't remember um i'm gonna say 1200 you are over uh okay's Woody's turn now I think I know the answer I have low confidence but I feel like if I say it you'll be like let Danny go first then over and under on a morbidly obese double wide trailer living degenerate

who's marrying a woman he barely knows what's the wife look like the wife to be I haven't seen her, but you've... I can picture it. You've seen Sesame Street, right? Is she plus or minus EOFMH3? I'm going to go $950.

$950. Over. It's 720, right? Under. I thought I knew it. 800 over we're getting close now boys 740 under 770 under 790 780 yeah i'm pretty sure it's 780 i'm pretty sure it's 780 i'm probably wrong who fucking cares? Well, if he can find him a bitch...

Somehow I found that really compelling. ...a bunch of corrupt money... By the time he pays all the interest to Walmart, it's going to be $14,000, so who cares? Where is he getting the ring? Do we know? We don't know,

but we can put a pretty accurate guess on that one. Rule of thumb on that is you're supposed to spend three months' pay on an engagement ring, so that would bring him in and around. If you fall for 1930s advertising. Still, even if we say two months pay. But the beer company told me so. Is this guy making $239 a week?

What's this guy do for a living? Twitch stream. Twitch stream. Yeah. Very lucrative. It can be. Twitch sucks, huh? How do you guys not get kicked off Twitch?

I've heard they're the most pc in the world i haven't streamed in like three months yeah yeah so this isn't on twitch and i have been kicked off twitch there we go yeah i got suspended like a dozen times ever haven't been banned yet even though a lot of the times people say that doing voices that are that can't be perceived as offensive is against terms of service. I doubt it. I don't understand why they say this. Why are you two telling me not to say these things? It is in my culture not to respect women.

You tell me... Oh, I shouldn't say that. I will get kicked out. I love his character. That stupid shit where they're a cross-platform banner. So if you say something that crosses their path on YouTube youtube you know if if danny was a twitch streamer and someone was like hey this video is offensive twitch would like

give you a strike or give you a temporary suspension because of something you did on youtube which is like same with patreon right patreon's scary you guys probably feel that same thing the sargon of a cod something he said on a podcast or an interview was grounds to get him banned. Patreon's my biggest source of income. And after this went too far, you think that guy regrets his name, like starting it where he's like, now he's got to be like,

yes, I'm Sargon of a cod. Cause he's got like a fucking, you know, Mickey mouse from Fantasia wizard hat on is what it sounds like it's the arrogance of picking a stage name to be a youtube personality i get why slash and why sinister gates from avenge sevenfold did it they were on a bunch of coke but when you're a media personality on youtube there's no excuse good point taylor why did you

do it real is a real guy like he's a real dude he was like a king of assyria or something like thousands and thousands of years ago and until this youtuber co-opted his name if you would google him you'd be like wow this guy did a lot of great things in the fertile crescent in mesopotamia and babylon and now you're trying to find out who it is and some fat guy from the uk pops up yeah that's like someone like 100 years snubby and like hey it's your boy georgie washington it's like you try and find him and you know our poor founding fathers drowned out by some fucking retard with a bunch of different colored teeth great way to tarnish your historical legacy that's kind of beautiful actually

it is you can't be too ambitious though right like george washington would be hard to drown out you could be stonewall jackson maybe like aim lower yeah you're watching another adolf moment stonewall jackson do stood in front of fire bad military tactic i know if i play tarkov i know that sucks he was a great military general yeah yeah i assume who in the face of fire stood still like a stone that's how i play tarkov and i died of scabs they held the ground what do you hold fire doesn't notice movement fuck we and i have been playing a little bit of Tarkov and having a good old time. Kyle gave me a crate of weapons. I'm still great.

I try not to be a drain on society. I'm not doing, and I haven't met any goals yet in that regard. I just, I do my best. I'm super rich in the game. It's not a big deal. I haven't killed a friend yet, right? If these people are going to gift me goods and services, the least I can do is not shoot them in the back.

So I take it really seriously. Some of my deaths come from like, all right, I got a guy in front of me. All right, he looks angry. Is anyone looking at me right now? And I don't live through the whole interview process. Yeah, yeah. I'm super rich in the game so i don't mind like people helped me out when i first started to you know they give me stuff

so like that's kind of what we do with everybody because it's it's such a hard game to get into super like anybody who's just like starting out we're like hey you know it can be kind of rough have some of this and some of that and a few of these things. The game does no hand-holding. None. No hand-holding. There's no map. There's no, like, you don't know where to get out. Like, when you, like, so you'll spawn on one side of the map, and typically that means the exit's on the other side. When you make it to the exit,

there's no visual, like, implication that there's an exit there. You just wander until it, like, lets you know that you found it. When there's loot on the ground to pick up, you could stand six inches from it and not find it. It's tricky to see. And then, of course, the gunfights. In COD, for example,

I would say even before, like a level one player has a decent shot, right? That's like starting class in Cod for the MP5. It's competitive. Once you hit level five, the MP5 is open, throw on stopping power, you're good to go. You've got everything but dead silence. In this game, it's not like that.

80 hours, 80, 100 hours into the game, you're a pussy. You cannot handle the big swinging dicks who come around this game. If you see them laid out of the grass like the rat you are, don't move a muscle, hope they walk by. The swinging dicks in this game can win gunfights all the time. And part of it is talent, like knowing where to shoot, and different guns have different strengths and weaknesses.

And part of it is just you know like i have a mozen which is a bolt action gun it hits really hard i have gone up against geared players where i know i hit them three times in the thorax ineffectively you know and i still lose the gunfight yeah they're like oh you know oh were you shooting me here? Yeah, I'll punish you for that. And I'm done. It's a great fucking game. I love that. I'm addicted.

Yeah, it's addictive. Because Call of Duty is immediately, like you said, it's like, hey, you're good enough. You've been playing for an hour, you're good enough. You can play with everybody else. You won't notice any huge difference. Like, hey, you want your gun a different color. You want your character to look silly. Well, give us 50 hours of your time and we'll make that happen. This game is like, oh, do you want to win?

Shit. You got a few days. Because that ain't going to cut it. You're going to need a few weeks. It's like grind, grind, grind, grind, grind, grind. And then the best part is like all that stuff you ground for, you just lose it like and it's gone. You're going to lose it too. Like how many games do you think you're going to play without dying? And then it's gone.

If your shit is half decent, then the other player will want it. He'll take it off your dead body. And then you don't get it back it's so punishing and and like i'll play with kyle or larry and i'm not as experienced or as good as them so i call it like cosplaying as larry and uh but it doesn't make it doesn't give me the same talent and it's like oh man i like that gun so much i'll never see it again yes it was like that you'll get there you know you played enough and you'll learn the maps you learn like the the flow of traffic and stuff like that like you and i had a very good round last night before i got sleepy reserve yeah yeah we got all those people's shit

like i don't know how many people i fucking killed but we got all the shit more than me i got that raider he was coming at me i'm like i'm at the spot where you have to leave but i'm not i didn't realize that i was gonna have to hold it down for six minutes i got there too early and uh these ultra-powered ai called raiders are coming after me and i'm like kyle is that you he's like no i'm not moving i'm on a rooftop looting fuck he's like yeah if you see anything kill it i'll try yeah it was yeah it's a good game for all the reasons you just listed. No hand holding, super hardcore, very low lows, very high highs.

I really enjoy it. If you guys are listening to this right now, Woody's been streaming a little bit, and Larry the Strong streams a little bit. He's a very good player. You could watch some of our adventures. We're probably going to be playing, if you're watching this our adventures. We're probably going to be playing.

If you're watching this on Saturday, we're probably going to be playing Saturday evening sometime. I will be. I've got people on Discord, and it tells you when they're playing games. They're always playing. They're always playing. Everyone is addicted to this thing.

Yeah. Think twice. It's the heroine of video games. Don't enter this lightly yeah i hopefully they get your uh your account sorted out sooner rather than yes yeah battle state games if you somehow see this fix my darn account it's been six days you know yeah we convinced woody to to upgrade from the 45 dollar uh tarkov experience to like the 140 dollar tarkov experience yeah he didn't get all of his content and he didn't get all of his content.

He didn't get the most important bit of content, which is like when you go into the game, you have this thing called a container, which is like imagine it as like your prison stash, your butthole, and anything you find while you're playing, you can put up your butthole and you can get bigger buttholes

as you upgrade your way through the game. And the bigger your butthole, the more things you can put in there. When you die, you don't lose those things. Everything else you lose, your gun, your armor, your backpack, your helmet. But your butthole stash, that's still, even after you die, you keep it.

Well, he bought a bigger butthole and they didn't give him his big butthole. So now he's just got this little tight sphincter. In gameplay terms in gameplay terms you might find something that's worth a lot like a quarter million dollar keycard or something you can stuff it in that container

and keep it if you die me, if I die, I get completely wiped out every time see, I thought you got banned for using racial epithets or something I thought that's what you were referring to that's on it's way too when you were saying whatever game company contacted me i thought you'd been banned for slurs no i'm just calling them out because they're not

doing their job hundred dollars is a lot to not get what you paid for oh yeah that's complete bullshit yeah yeah that that's an odd glitch that you got i don't know anybody else who's had that experience uh hopefully uh i i hopefully they get get it taken care of sooner rather than later. It'd be great. Let me do another ad read. Okay. I'm a little worried somebody got Taylor. Admit it.

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and every time I burp, I know it's gross. I try to shield the mic from it, but I'm a little worried that I'm going to vomit. I'm going to have to run out of the room and vomit. You puked already today? Five times today. Last night,

it was like 10pm or something and we're hungry. I'm like, what are we going to do? I could cook or we could just order something quick. And, uh, and she was like, let's just get some Taco Bell. And I was like, all right, what do you want? She's like, I'll get, I just want a cheese quesadilla. And I was like, cool. I just want something light too. I, I'm going to get a taco salad. And so we order cheese quesadilla taco salad from Taco Bell, like $8 or something like that for both items. It's taken forever. It's taken, this was not Postmates, by the way, I messed up. They're a sponsor.

This was a much less reputable service. It's taken so long that I'm filing a complaint on my phone and they're like, do you want to cancel and get all your money back? Or do you want to wait and we'll give you $8? And I was like, well, basically you're saying I get my meal for free if I just keep waiting. And I'm very hungry at this point. So yeah, I'll wait. 30 more minutes go by. Keep in mind Taco Bell is like 10 minutes from my house. This should have been quick.

Finally, they show up. And I'm peering out the window. I like to meet them at the door. My doorbell is very obnoxious. I open the door and there's two people. There's a guy and his girlfriend and their arms are full of food. Full. Both of them. She has a drink koozie with four large sodas in it and a fifth in her hand. And then, and then something wrapped around her shoulder, like one of those heat bags,

those thermal bags. And he has an arm full of bags. And I'm just like, I look at my, I look at her and I'm just like, don't say anything. They just start handing us all this food. Someone had apparently been ordering for a party and they had brought it to me. And I didn't say a fucking word. They brought me six orders of nachos Belgrande, six Crunchwrap Supremes,

five or six Taco Supremes, two or three Chalupas, and five large sodas. I put it all on the table. I took a picture. I thought it was so funny. I'm still not even that hungry. I'm just going to eat one of these nachos, one of these little containers of nachos. I think she ate a taco. I wake up at 5 a.m. and then my stomach is just you stole.

I start vomiting at 5 a.m. and then again at 6 a.m. and again at 8 a.m. and then again at noon they poisoned me with their free tacos I've been vomiting all fucking day I still feel like a fucking dog that's why I've been so mean to that poor

H I'd like to take this moment to apologize to both gila and the institution of taco bell i i will not apologize taco bell but i i will apologize to to gila is that her name uh it might be gila might be a soft h i'm not sure how that works a little bit of concealer and you'd be lovely like are you guys back on this i'm sure she feels better now i i did go a little hard but but lovely lady very bright charming well kyle you know there's a first time for everything he gets hard going all the time that's what blue choose for i was referring to another little lady who may be a little high

I'll never renege on that I love the word renege she's so nice you should hit it with an E because it's an E there we had a couple on sailing le vagabond they were good on the show actually

the husband you fit right in and roll with the punches the wife who's very nice like a dime too They were good on the show actually. The husband, you fit right in and roll with the punches. The wife, who's very nice, like a dime too, horrified the whole time by every inappropriate joke. Social justice warrior, defending rapist kind of lady. Yeah. That's what they're known for doing. Kyle, rape is part of their culture. Yeah.

Would you open your mind a little bit? Yeah. We was on this oil and all these rapists was hissing at me. And yeah, it is part of their culture. Yeah. Did you open your mind a little bit? She's like, yeah, we was on this island and all these rapists was hissing at me and, you know, it's part of their culture. It is. All these fucking rapists.

Yeah. They want a bit of rape. Who doesn't? There's something about the Australian accent. I bet if they were start bandying about the N-word, it would seem even more offensive.

You know, just the way they say it. Yeah. God, I'm so tempted. They would hit that eye so hard i don't regret i don't regret anything i said about her and her big old gigantic pepperoni nipples because they're super gross but uh but i shouldn't have said all that stuff i said about her uh her husband and his spinal injury and how and how he was potentially going to be a paraplegic and how,

um, due to that, I would fuck her then. Um, because I wouldn't fuck her with his big pepperoni nipples. I mean, you have started that a lot. And I try to be honest.

He's given her a hard time again, because it horrifies me. She's really nice. And, uh, and the, the nipples he was talking about are fine but he saw a picture of her breast found areola stop me and they're they're darker when when you're

breastfeeding they go back to normal okay that's true yeah there's no affair in that so they um yeah so i created this whole like uh this board to rate things on how good I thought they were. And I was like, I give that. I had these huge pepperonis. And I'd slap them on this big poster board. I'd be like, I give that five pepperoni nipples. Was it in front of the woman? No, I should have been.

She'd have cried probably. No, she wasn't on the show at the time. But yeah, she uploaded a picture to Instagram of her like breastfeeding her. Is that where that came from? I was assuming it was private Patreon content. Goddamn, that was,

I mean, I'd pay extra for that. $20 a month, you can watch her tit feed my little mongrel there. He's got a little wheelchair, just like me. That seems like the word that they would use to like him.

I love watching Woody's eyes. I always say these horrible things to watch woody's reaction they're horrible horrible things i don't mean them um so so yeah she she's got these huge gigantic nipples and they're unacceptable gross i need to see unacceptable like if i confirm gargantuan like big like don't think pepperonis think like salami slices. So big. Just way over the top. I don't remember it being... Disgusting. I feel like if I looked at them right now, I'd vomit a little.

So... Jesus Christ. Ah! And so, yeah. We did a drinking episode. We're a little shitty on this show, I guess. I try to make people laugh, so I say horrific things sometimes. It's good.

We're being silly. I'm trying to be silly. People take it personally sometimes. You just know I mean like 5% of the things I say. I just want to make you laugh. The bottom 5% is what Kyle means. The worst 5%. That's me.

Occasionally, I can't do it now because I'm on fucking federal probation, but we do these drinking episodes in the past and I don't want to be a bitch. If I'm going to show up and drink for four hours, then I should

not remember the last half hour of the show. I i didn't i got so fucking i drank a fifth of vodka and then i opened a second fifth of vodka within a four hour period three and a half it was the mvp of that evening and this large areola woman's husband had recently taken a bad fall in real life and hurt his spine and was potentially going to be maybe disabled, like a paraplegic. And so they told me I did this the next day. I didn't remember it, but they told me apparently. I went into this whole diatribe where i was using my terrible australian accent and i was like hey elena her name's elena his wife maybe you'd like a man who

can still walk on two legs yeah well i could go for a little sail with you not like that crippled husband of yours and just saying the most horrific things that like i mean that's a little over the top even for like my nonsense and i felt bad i that's a little over the top even for my nonsense. And I felt bad. That's one of the few times I've actually genuinely apologized. Because most of the time, it's like, no, double fucking down. Double down. Fuck your fragile feelings.

It's just a joke. It's just funny. Facts don't care about your feelings. Facts don't care about your feelings. I'm Ben Shapiro, and I lie about my height because it hurts my feelings otherwise. have improv training why are you so good at accents you bastard i don't know i just it's just fun i remember because my mom like my dad will occasionally listen to this show and like they heard some of the voices at one point and like they were like doing that like reminiscing family thing and they were just like or my mom at least was like that is

so funny because as a little boy you would just walk around and do impressions and things and i'm like mom this is this is autism this is some i'm somewhere on that spectrum i'm somewhere sprinkled in there you know you're talented i'll tell you what it's marketable you came out here you'd be a groundling dude you could be making some money in the improv circuit, booking commercials, maybe not with your African character, but the Australian and any white people you do. I can get you far.

New African condoms. It's like they are not even there. Do you know that water is supposed to be see-through? You probably did not know this. That is why I am bringing to you a Brita. You put the water in here did not know this. That is why I am bringing to you a burrito. You put the water in here and look at this. It looks so natural here. Brown. You cannot see. There is

little bit of fish pieces in there. You pour through. Now it tastes like nothing, but it's better for you. Dude, I want you to come out to LA and I want to do a video called The White African where you dress with a real hat and a colorful garment and I want the whole thing going on. This African where you dress with a real hat and a colorful garment and I want the whole thing going on.

This is my friend Taylor. He's from South Africa. But I don't do the South African accent like this. Yes, I am from South Africa. I want you to be from the Congo. I want it to be complete cognitive dissonance. That is a bit of a deeper voice. Congo is what I got this.

Yeah. In the center of the continent got these. Yeah. Yeah. The center of the continent does do. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, man. That that would be good. I'm always looking for improvising people or improv talent.

It's not easy to come by. That's all that this podcast is. It's just getting on the fly. I'm in improv classes here in L.A. And I always want to recruit people to my videos. But everybody's such a little PC pussy that I have to be careful even mentioning my YouTube channel or running it by them because then they could go watch the blackface iPhone video and report me to the improv school and get me kicked out. And then hopefully the head of the improv school would be like, thanks for reporting this hilarity. They're pussies though too.

Oh dude, it's bad bad it's gotten so bad just like the first thing that happens when you go on the website is like the diversity contract like you have to declare your gender that you identify as right when you sign up it's it doesn't have to like if you're funny or not that's way down the list of priorities on the first class i went to there was a 30 minute discussion of gender in characters about whether or not it's acceptable to switch genders. And if non-binary people can express that in class, it was. It's not funny at all. It's not jokes.

I don't want to go there and be taught at. Yeah, no, that's another one of our friend of the show, Dick Masterson. that's another uh one of our a friend of the show dick masterson i'm not sure if you know uh who dick masterson is but he was talking about how he got like asked to no longer take take part in the u university of california berkeley i think they had like an improv class and because of his podcast being like little risque they like told him not to come back so yeah you can get blackballed surprised it hasn't happened to you yet. When you hit that next level of success, it will. That'll be the weather vane of success coming.

Yeah, it's going to be shitty, man. Do you have fun doing it? What is an improv class like? I've never done one. It's pretty good. You guys would love it and you'd benefit a lot from it. I learned so much.

We'll do things like you turn around and you face the wall and behind you a bunch of people are assembling into a position that suggests a genre of movie so if the teacher calls western they'll be putting up pistols riding a horse the girl will be fucking hold the bottle of sarsaparilla you got to turn around and then on the fly describe what they're doing as if it's a movie trailer shit like that which is really good for comedy and podcasting and then on the fly describe what they're doing as if it's a movie trailer. Shit like that, which is really good for comedy and podcasting. It's a lot of fun, and it's good,

and that's why I don't want to get kicked out because somebody discovers my YouTube channel because there are only so many of those schools you can go to for training, and I don't want to exhaust them all. I see. Kyle, do you have any formal improv training? Tons. I thought so. The consummate expert.

That's what people call Kyle. They have an improv group in prison. Yeah, they have an improv group in prison. Yeah. Now, Tommy, you're acting out of rape. You're not supposed to rape. Man, I'm only supposed to get in character if I'm not, like, really into it?

Dude, if I'm not fucking hard, then I'm not going to pretend to be hard, you know? That's not the kind of thing I'm into. Okay, man, thinking, you know, we pretend, but he's so cute. I'm just trying to get out of making the fucking license plates. Honestly, man. That'd be like a plant or something. I just don't want to go

do the carpenter stuff. Stabbed four days ago. I wonder what Snow's doing right now. What's Snow doing right now? I bet I can guess where he is. Well, it's about half an hour before lights out. Snow is Kyle's prison buddy. I bet I can guess where he is. Well, it's about half an hour before lights out. Snow is Kyle's prison buddy.

Yeah, Snow is my prison buddy. I listened to your prison episode. I was filled in on your Guardian Angel, your Stephen King reading. It sounds like not that bad of a time, actually. It wasn't so bad. I don't think I'd like it. Constant boredom, you know? Constant boredom and threat of rape a weird combo

yeah bored and terrified yeah it was it was perpetual boredom punctuated by terror it was it was it was interesting time but you must have known you were safe most of the time right like if you're in your bunk in like a common dorm area they don't just pull you out by your buttoned down shirt thing that that's true that's true but it's like you're you're dreading the period of time where you've got to go to the bathroom right yeah like it and especially the shower you know like like like you're like all right well i'm working out in the morning. I'm going to be super sweaty when I get done. It's going to be shower time. How do I time my shower?

I want some allies in there with me. I need to be quick when I go in there. I need to be Johnny on the spot. That was the scary part, was figuring out when and... The easy part was not shitting for 22 days. I don't know what that was about. I wasn't eating very much at all, and I was just terrified. So yeah, I think maybe I took six shits the whole time I was there.

I've taken two today. It's because I keep eating all the Fiber One brownies because they're such low calorie and they taste great, a little late night treat, and my girlfriend keeps buying them. And those F fiber one brownies because they're such low calorie and they taste great little late night treat and my girlfriend keeps buying them and those fiber one brownies they just clear you right out it's great kyle am i wrong at all in thinking that being in prison though is in a way the purest form of vacation because even if you wanted to even if you had to you cannot work you cannot get anything done and therefore all responsibility and stress lifts off your shoulders other than the rape related kind

but i wanted to do the show you know i wanted to be here with with these guys doing but you couldn't so didn't that because for me i always want to do my youtube videos because i have to and i'm ambitious but if i was in prison it's not like I'm slacking off. You just physically cannot do it and therefore you have to let it go at some point. You sound like you need a vacation, Danny. I might need a vacation. You're like, you know, I'm kind of daydreaming of prison where I could get a

fucking day off work. Do you have a P.O. box? Because that could be arranged. After like a month, after a a month it's just like holy shit we're only halfway done i can only watch so many two and a half men reruns before i'm just blow my fucking brain it's so funny knowing like your perception of time in there was going so slow and meanwhile like woody and i would hop on the call we'd get the guests in and i'd like look at the calendar and be like, this is episode six. Kyle,

time is flying by. You're sitting in there just like, oh, come on. Guys, we've had reports. He's loving it. There's really no challenges whatsoever. Yeah, because your reports weren't very accurate. I had a lot.

I had a lot. I didn't want people to worry about me. They're monitoring your phone calls, so I'm always afraid that I'm going to be like, it's so scary in here. There's people threatening me and they think I'm a rat. I don't know what to do.

You'll get a hold of this recording that I found on Kyle, man. He sounds like a bitch. Exactly. He has the kind of voice to tell you his asshole has some give, man. You can tell his asshole is valuable by the bitch in his blood. I'm so jealous, dude.

My videos would be at least 15% better if I had 10% of your accents, dude. I have no idea. If I could teach you, I would. I don't know, dude. I have no idea. If I could teach you, I would. I don't know how to. I don't have an ear for accents. And I'm always afraid

when we're getting into a little accent improv on here, I'm terrified to jump in because I know how bad my accent is. Every now and then I jump in and I totally don't belong. This is my Mexican accent. That's about right. Señor.

Si. It's endearing though in what he tries to say. Because it's like, you'll get like three words out in the accent and you'll be like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That's me, dude. I'm so sorry, guys. I'm'm good at accents except i don't sound right and i don't know what to say outside of that i got it on lock yeah i can't even do ghetto black

dude which let's face it that's the easiest accent to do and what's sound like hmm yo what up dude let's be your boy fucking jamal. That's awful. I got fucking nothing. You need access training. Just start off with Australian and British. Whoever teaches you to do racist accents won't be so woke. And even if they hear your podcast, you're fine. Or watch your videos, I mean to say.

I don't think they offer that at the Upright Citizens Brigade Improv in LA. They don't offer ghetto. Alright, everyone, and be with me. This food is really, really spicy. It's really, really spicy. This food is really, really spicy.

You know my favorite word? Tinier. Wait, wait, your favorite word. It's re-nig. Niggerdly. Niggerdly, that's a favorite word. It's renege. Well, niggardly. Niggardly, that's a good one. No, that one. I like guessing his favorite word as much as I like hearing it.

That's not even what I said. I was going to say my favorite were. What I meant was my favorite improv group. I love the whitest kids you know know, you ever watch that shit? Yeah, absolutely. And in years, it's one of the best sketches of all time. Hey, great. We rape you in the mouth. I'm going to take you to the basement.

I'm going to take you to the radiator. And I'm going to grape you for years and years. Yeah, he goes, I'm going to grape you for decades and decades. He's the great. All right. Hey, what are you doing? Hanging out with black people. The Grapist is a children's

grape drink. Mascot. Mascot. There's this sketch where the guy is presenting his new ad campaign for their grape soda, their grape juice. And there's a couple of executives

on the other side of the desk, and they're watching a video, a commercial that he's made for them. And it's like, that's right, kids. You know what time it is. The great best is here. And this guy just burst through the wall wearing a giant...

But he's not doing like the, oh, yeah, he's doing. He's going. Get back here, kids. I'm going to gripe you in the mouth. And two of the executives are like, I love it. It's great. And the one guy's like, I'm sorry. Why are the children screaming?

Because they're excited for the grapes. I'm watching it on silent right now he goes i'm gonna gripe you in the mouth and then he runs towards the kids beds and the kids get up and scream and are running away that's so fucking funny god this this is a great impop i like he was going to grape them yeah he grapes people he's the grapest i'm sorry the grapest you guys don't see any problem with this no it's great you're a fizzy pop grape drink from johnson and hedges yeah so have you ever seen the one that's so funny the one guy goes to the doctor one of my favorite ones is it's real simple but it's like the the payoff is just he goes to the doctor. One of my favorite ones. It's real simple, but the payoff is just, he goes to the doctor and he's like, yeah, I don't know what it is. I just can't close my mouth. I mean, I can talk, but when I stop talking, it's... And then I was like, huh, that's weird.

Well, really? You seem to be able to talk just fine, but try again. Yeah, yeah, I can talk all I want, but then when I stop talking it's just... He's like, let me let me take a look and he sticks his finger in the guy's mouth and the guy goes oh and bites his finger off and he just screams stop sleeping with my wife i like that one where uh it's like two of them are like meeting like their old friends in a park. It's like, Sam, oh, my God, what is up with you? What are you up to? What are you what are you doing?

He's like, not much. Just walking around. He's got he's got a gallon bottle, you know, gallon jug like milk in his hand. Yeah. What's that? What do you got there? This is a gallon of PCP. A gallon. Wow. a gallon of PCP. A gallon.

Wow. A gallon of PCP. Yeah. Yeah. Just kidding. It's just, oh, it's so fucking funny.

I need to watch more of that. You still with Cheryl? Huh? Yeah. Funny you mentioned that. I actually, I left her as collateral. When I got this jug of PCP

and they killed her. What? When? Like 30 minutes ago. Oh, so really recently. Like just now. Yeah. Yeah.

They killed her. Let's get together sometime. Have a beer, man. Yeah. That's one of the best jokes when they're setting that up it's like when did your wife die about four four four years ago uh no pm that's such a good line that's rare i don't like sketches they're my least favorite form of comedy because it feels so safe they're on a studio or soundstage everything's written but that is one of the comedy sketch

groups that made me laugh the hardest and like the last stream was funny before they got canceled um yeah no no they have some funny sketches canceled because of low ratings and stuff not like no no because they were like offensive and shit and guys for it oh that kind of canceled but uh no that was the one i think i've even showed a clip to you uh woody and kyle that guy who like goes into the gym and he's like someday i'm gonna start a gym that's guys only and he's got this like fucking thing on there and he's like first step go kroger get a gallon of milk you're gonna spend about two thousand dollars a year on milk and he's drinking milk and blowing like his hot breath into like some innocent girl and he's the one who's like in the middle of the a public gym like a city gym and just in the middle

of the workout just vomiting milk all over you remember that yeah it was fucking hilarious it's like get out of my gym bitch you come in this gym again i'll fucking rape you he's just vomiting milk but that's the thing about like yeah any any sort of sketch group is so hit and miss like they're they're the whitest kids you know that make me laugh so hard just like the the mde troop did before they broke up and it was like oh that's good and then you watch another one you're like how did how did this slip through jesus yeah like i guess that's just part of like sketch comedy though a lot of losers some winners i like most of the white kids you know like like snl is really hit or miss but like why just could you know like i like 90 of that shit like i like the lincoln one

when they show how the lincoln assassination really went down yeah oh you have fucked up now you don't fucked up you don't fucked up now like. Lincoln's the most obnoxious piece of shit ever, talking really loud during the play and everything. Shut the fuck up. And finally some guy just goes up there and hammers him in the ass. Beats his ass with a hammer. His ass, his actual buttocks, with a hammer until he's to death. It's hilarious.

Where was Lincoln killed? Lots of good ones um where was lincoln killed yeah what city i feel like i know the name of the yeah the theater yeah i don't know i don't know i don't know the city sounds like st louis yeah man you know guys they put out that movie did you see that and it hurts to say that god-awful piece of shit they put out miss march they put out a terrible movie not just that it was a box office bomb it was a shitty movie it's not like the critics overlooked it and then since then they've sort of faded into obscurity. The main guy, Trevor put out a comedy central standup special, but 52 people at most are going to see that. So was it not that great?

It's okay. It was okay. I like his music videos too. Stuck to their core competency of just being silly and making sketches. He's okay on the acoustic guitar. So he does some pretty fun videos like, like, and then the gate,

he's got a song called, and then the gays got married, um,'s really funny um i liked um i like most of the stuff they did back in the day another like troop i guess they'd be called it like was um the broken lizard club is that what they were the guys are super troopers um i like them a lot oh yeah yeah i've never watched any other sketches but i mean super troopers is great yeah i got to meet farma briefly one time that was that was cool does he smell he looks like he'd smell no smell fine oh you know what i like to hear that about him we were sitting right next to each other smelled smelled great nice guy the whitest kid you know thing that might be a pretty good example of the superiority of online content

because the only reason i knew about them was because of youtube and all their clips being up there for free that's where i learned to appreciate them and love them and then they got too cool for youtube or they pursue the movie and the stand-up with comedy central and that's when people stopped hearing their names or consuming their content. You guys both holding chapstick like cigarettes? Nice. Fucking moisturized up in this bitch. Cherry flavor. Hey, Kyle. I'm flying across the country. Let's double

vaginal, girl. We'll get to do this. Hertzbees Master Race. That works great because Kyle, he has to come to you. I'm not allowed out of the northern district of Georgia. Okay, I'll come up there, dude. Brothers of the stick, brothers of the slit. That's what we'll be.

Well, you're not brothers of the slit yet. That's a very intimate bonding ritual. I'm ready. You both have to finish inside together. Oh, that's difficult. Does the girl have to climax too? No. We're the's difficult. Does the girl have to climax too? No! We're the new here?

She's not even there on time. Ew, that's gay! Gay! No climax, no problem. Gay! Sorry for clearing up your podcast.

We all jumped on that. Oh my God, we're going to lose upwards of three listeners. At least four. One's Woody's mom and she's also supportive no matter what. Yeah, we're going to keep her. We've got the Woody's Mom Market locked down.

I don't think she watches any other podcasts. Will you guys stand by? I've got to bottle piss again real quick. Go for it, my friend. How many more bottles do you have? Should I drink a little bit on the air to prove that that piss cycle thing wasn't bullshit? I mean, I'm not going to tell you not to.

Kyle, you're going gonna lose respect for me if i do this aren't you not he's been gated not i've been gated favor in his eyes all show and i might undo it with this sip but do you think i've never drank piss get that in you oh that's a couple of good drinks that's all you got you can finish that up top it off i mean you don't want to piss it in a half full bottle my man my man I'm going to step away on that note I'll be right back I'll say it

it tastes like moldy alpha Danny drinks piss going in the potential topic list oh god was that terrible that's a PKA clip for sure yeah drinks piss. Going in the potential topic list. Yeah. Oh, God. Was that terrible? That's awful. That's a PKA clip for sure. No, dude. It tastes

like tea made with moldy alfalfa. I've said it before. I'll say it again. I'm trying to think what alfalfa fucking tastes like. What food should you put alfalfa on? I think horses eat it exclusively. So, no. Horses and apparently you. Do you have a frame of reference? I do keep eat it exclusively. Horses and apparently you, to have a frame of reference. I do keep referencing it.

Oh, this tastes like bulldog poop. Those are my go-to descriptors for wine tasting. Dude, for a fucking while, my girlfriend was feeding our dogs cat food. Well, she mixes wet dog food with dry dog food. And she's mixes like wet dog food with like dry dog food and she's like they don't like their dry dog food and so i got them cat food and when i sprinkle the cat food on top of it they really like it they love the cat food and i was like you can't you can't give dogs cat food it's going to be too high in protein and fat and they're going to be shitting all over the place like because dogs are omnivores cats are carnivores so it's like

like it's going to be different and then like after place. Like, cause dogs are omnivores, cats are carnivores. So it's like, like it's going to be different. And then like after a week or so of giving them cat food, they started having the fiercest, oiliest, grossest shits, just vile fucking shits. And they couldn't hold it. One of them couldn't hold it and shit in my fucking house.

And he looked at me like, you're feeding me cat food, brother. Like what? There's no fiber. There's no carbs in here. It's just slipping out when I'm not paying attention. Can we pause here?

We really need a dog accent up in this bitch. The fact that you have accents for so many but none for your dogs, it's disappointing. Kyle's the dog accent guy, even though I fucking hate Kyle's dog accent. It's so annoying. It's so annoying. He's still crying from the pee drinking. The pee drinking was so much fun. That's great, Dave.

I apologize, guys. I would attempt a dog accent, but I think I lost my privileges after trying Jamal the black guy. No. This is a safe space. I don't feel safe. It feels like a safe space.

Yeah. The place where nobody's going to make fun of you for things you can't control and stuff like that. Yeah. Safe spaces. Or just get in under the bar and make fun of yourself. You know, that's the way to do it. You know, and self depreciating or self deprecating humor is funny. Like this.

Like every guy. I agree. Yeah. It's it took me a while When I first started out in comedy, I was really insecure about being funny or not. I didn't take self-deprecation well. I didn't want to hear if a video sucked. I'm starting to realize that's not

a healthy attitude for a comedian at all. You have to accept that you're going to have off days, make shitty jokes, make good jokes. It all happens. Are you still peeing in that bottle? exactly that's exactly what I was thinking right there on ONA you couldn't be

an insecure comedian because seven of the funniest dudes in the world were around you and had mics in front of their face at all times you had to be okay with it they would do shit like one of their whack packs is an actual retarded guy with a fucked up dick and they would have him versus Rich Voss and Bob

Kelly do like trivia and ask questions like what is the what is the closest planet to the sun now I'm sure everybody in this call knows that Mercury I wasn't sure if I knew it is when I said it yeah and they were like

not getting it at all and it got to the point that the retard was like winning and like he had like some kind of like they're like name every president backwards and he's like uh obama bush uh uh uh clinton bush and then just fuck like all the way back to world war ii and nobody else could do it but yeah like that's it's funny like they're making fun of themselves for getting beat by a retarded person in a trivia game just like that's what's so endearing about the ona old shows i still watch those listen to those all the fucking time is because it really it influenced my humor more than anything because in my developmental years i was listening to opie and anthony and them being absolutely terrible to people just really really mean and that always made me laugh

so hard and so do you remember when jimmy brought in his early stand-up tapes and they had colin quinn patrice o'neill oh everybody talked like this and he was all high and he was a character yeah he brought in like the murderer's row of comedians just to roast jimmy's old material while jimmy sat there and took it and he had to sit there and jim norton and he had to sit there and be like you guys are are right. You're right. And Patrice and Colin would be like, don't concede a point to trying to get out of this idiot. And like that, that kind of impression. That's a spot on.

Thank you. But then like, he would like get Patrice and Patrice was like always having these things. He's like, Jim, what we're all seeing here is the real Jim. The Jim we know is the fake quaffed Jim. This loser. This is the real Jim. The Jim we know is the fake quaffed Jim. This little loser, this is the real Jim.

And it was just so fucking good. It's a great clip. Just look up Opie and Anthony watched Jim Norton's old stand-up. So, so funny. Tim, you're not on Wi-Fi, are you? No. No, no, I'm hardwired in. You're just so fucked up. Really? Am I all fucked?

How dare you come on this show with technical issues? Fuck! You're getting DDoSed again. Do the thing, do the thing. DDoS protection. No, no, from like eight years ago. Like, why are you DDoSing me? I have nobody of significance.

I was fucking nobody and they were getting me. That sucks. Tell me if it keeps acting up and I'll back out and come back in and see if that helps. I didn't want to say anything. I'm getting irritated by it though. Eat my ass, bitch. If people were unaware, I've come on this show once with a faulty microphone

and then we spent about 15 minutes trying to sort my mic out at the head of this show. Yeah, but it all worked out. Everything's hunky-dory. We're all friends here. We're all friends here. Having a great time. I've just been made aware of the India's anti-shit in the streets campaign.

Are you guys familiar with this? Yep. Makes sense. It is really, really stinky out here. They made a music video. Versatile. You have to click on the link not the picture to get the time stamp. This is not. Wait.

It's a public service announcement about not shitting in the streets? I got to look at this right now. I bookmarked it at about 3.15 out of memory because I didn't want to listen to the audio. I didn't want to listen to the audio

and queue it up while you guys were talking. Are you guys ready? I'm ready. So it should be about 3.15. At 3.15. Oh, man. Are you guys ready? All right. So you should be about three 15 at three 15. Three, two,

one play. They're encouraging people to take the poo to the loo rather than shitting in the streets. This cannot be real. There is no way that they are telling people to poo in the loo. They are. Yeah, welcome to India. I hate that. Everybody is cheering the poo in the loo. They are. Yeah, welcome to India.

I hate that. Everybody is cheering the poo in the loo. India is probably the bottom of my list for most things. It's the bottom of the list of places I want to visit, cuisine I want to eat, women I want to fornicate with. Who is the bottom of the list? Who's the very bottom of the list of women to fornicate with?

I might say India, man. I like black girls. I like Middle Eastern girls. Love Asian women. What's going on with Eskimo ladies? What do they look like? They suck a good dick. You can't tell because you only see this much.

That's true. Yeah, no idea. Maybe they're hoarding real good pussy up there and they don't want anybody to know Eskimo pussy is mighty cold do this poo2loo.com there's no way this is or maybe it is a real site

built by India I don't know Jesus Christ yeah some bullshit name takes responsibilities very seriously wow that's hilarious the animation looks a little cheap for a country

that's supposedly good with technical things yeah you sound like you haven't done any tech projects with Indians before take it from me that's about on target what was that silly Indian name you said and you know blank is there the srinivas probably like you'll you know you can't do accents but when it comes

to like saying a realistic indian name bang bang bang oh you've got two srinivas's one was the first name and the other was the last name both srinivas's srinivas is more like how do you say chris yeah where we are i work with patabi srinivas and srinivas de chiponte something close to that jesus christ i got i saw some sort of statistic today it was like uh i guess it's in korea or maybe it was Vietnam, whatever. Same thing. Like Nguyen is like 40 or 50% of the population's last name is Nguyen. And they're like, by comparison

by the way, Smith is 0.8% of the American population. God damn. Don't they have like a middle name that's more like decipherable over there? Where it's like they use that to... In India? No to no no in Vietnam

yeah and now that I've asked I don't care I don't care at all even Smith at.08% so that's almost 1% right I'm no longer a math student it does not seem like one

out of 100 people you meet would be named Smith. I'm surprised that's even that high. Maybe. That's like 3.5 million people. Aren't there like 350 million people in this country now? Maybe even more. It seems high. I mean, Joe Biden explained the other day that we've lost 150 million since 1997, so it can't be that high.

I mean, that's a low estimate. Gun crime is out of control. Yeah. Sounds right to me. Was that a sincere take right there? That gun crime is out of control? Joe Biden said that... Joe Biden claimed that 150 million Americans have been killed by gun violence since 1997.

Yeah. That sounds right. Yeah. We'd be right behind Indian population if it weren't for those goddamn guns. Jesus. Killing millions or half a million a day every year yeah that's not what you want

yeah that's about right half a million a day that explains why all of us have had friends and family killed by guns we're all the only ones left I'm sure like most families half my family all wiped out. Ever since Mr. Rush's guns were taken,

the death toll has plummeted. Leading us to believe he was doing a little more than getting high and watching cartoons online. You're like, I wasn't. I promise I wasn't. I promise. Look at my internet history. It's just porn and me playing games. That's funny.

Yeah. So Danny, what's next after YouTube? Do you have plans to go into TV and more? Or just YouTube is going to be huge? The content I make, I assume I would be fired, cancelled, thrown out of Hollywood the second I set foot into the mainstream world. So I want to stay on YouTube. I like what I'm doing now, but eventually, hopefully the channel gets big enough where I can no longer do the blackface thing.

I can no longer be telling people to fuck themselves in supermarkets for legal reasons because we'll get recognized. So maybe do more of a podcast type thing i really enjoy stand-up i'm not good at it i've done it a couple times that's a misconception i had that if you can write funny jokes for a youtube video it's not going to be that hard of a transition to write a stand-up act that's not the case it's a completely different art form so i really just want to make some sort of money on youtube to the point where i feel safe if my channel gets deleted if my patreon gets deleted and then start exploring things like going purely podcast or going into stand-up the youtube thing

is good enough like oh did you i was gonna say the youtube thing is good enough it used to be five six years ago, sorry, that it was like YouTube was a start, and if you did really, really well, maybe you'd get a movie like Fred from two years ago, or you could get out of YouTube and onto something better. Now it's like, why is TV better? TV's dying.

You're so right. My buddy Danny Duncan, he makes $ million dollars a year off selling merch on youtube hell yeah duncan jimmy kimmel in the early years of him having his own late night show was making 1.6 million dollars a year and that's if you're have the head of your own late night show which is about as high as it gets on the hollywood ladder so why not do it on your own terms sock away that money that you make from YouTube pretty quickly, and then start making radical creative decisions about what you want to do with the rest of your career.

That makes sense. How do you guys do financially? I didn't catch you. You said how do we do financially? I'm the poorest member of the show by a good bit. I'm not retired. But is it pretty lucrative for you guys I understand you have a huge by the way my last appearance on here I gained so

many new fans from being on your podcast it's insane on Twitter on patreon on our podcast like so many people are mentioning like hey found you through pka so thank you guys I'm doing the show with and thank you guys who are listening but it seems like you guys have such a loyal audience that's that yeah we've been doing it for so long our listeners kick ass yeah yeah they are sick i like them a lot they're not assholes either which is they're funny which is good yeah yeah there's all kinds

it's a good mix a lot of cocksuckers and fucking assholes and scumbag pieces of shit and then there's a good guy we all know Steve and then there's the pieces of shit we can't do this show the way we do it and then look at the listeners

and be like now why are they so nasty they're being funny you reap what you sow yeah it's funny the people who watch this show think making fun of people is funny how dare they yeah they turn those guns on us and it's like oh that's not cool yeah so uh so you're you're doing a podcast already or you're thinking we, but it's more a supplement for hardcore fans. We do it on this fucking couch with this bullshit background, which, I mean, you guys aren't for high studio value either.

Your background sucks, I was going to say. Yeah, and your lighting? I have the worst lighting in America. My lighting was too. But you guys know how it is. Because we grew up on Stern and Opie and Anthony, I feel like the production value should be higher, that we should have some bits written.

So I'm never satisfied how we do our podcast. Writing bits is fun for it. We've done ones here, like conspiracy ones, where we'll text during the week and be like, all right, we're all going to bring a conspiracy theory, and you can't do some dumbass shit where like in the middle of your presentation of it you're discounting it and making jokes no you have to present that conspiracy like it's true prevent it vehemently and try and get people on your on your side that's a fun one i want to do that again that was really really i like the different approaches to it too yeah

yeah i like doing the holocaust yeah you did the holocaust i did 9-11 i like the different approaches to it too yeah yeah i like the holocaust yeah i did 9-11 i went totally different directions where kyle's like holocaust and i'm like long john silvers is a weed laundering organization they don't actually make money but like there's so many of these that'd be great and then bible stories like i'll tell abridged bible stories occasionally usually i keep those for the just us girls episodes Girls episodes because I don't want to make a guest sit there and listen to my dumbass talk. I enjoyed when we improvised out the Dildo Salesman. That was fun.

That was just improv though. We didn't prepare that. Yeah. Oh lord! Yeah. Oh Jesus! Yeah, that shit's fun. Filming YouTube videos the way we do it is also about a 60 hour a week commitment so there's not a whole lot of time to do a really well-developed podcast

again though what you guys are doing on here is fucking awesome and inspiring to see oh well thank you man it's you're pumping our tires a little too much but i'm not gonna stop you that's great yeah your videos are very clearly high effort, and they're hilarious. I'm going to watch your most recent log because it's so fucking funny. There's a lot. Your podcast is The Leo and Danny Show with its own show, right? Yeah. So guys, check that out.

There's a lot you can do on YouTube because if you're a comedian and other medians, if you're a sitcom guy, every episode is a fucking scenario. Three acts resolves nice and neatly at the end. If you're a stand-up, you're telling the guy every episode's a fucking scenario three acts resolves nice and neatly at the end if you're a stand-up you're telling the same jokes over and over it needs to be set up punchline set up punchline youtube though you can pretty much do whatever the fuck you want you write it you don't have some pc studio head you have to answer to who's going to read over the script there's a lot of freedom and it is pretty fulfilling on the downside is you are doing everything so i can't afford team.

It's not like Nathan for you or a high budget comedy central show where I have a producer, somebody who calls people up and tells them we're going to be filming at their location. Some guy who's pitching me jokes and bits. It's all done in house here. So it's stressful, but it's fulfilling. Good. I mean, that's like fulfilling is kind of what you're looking for right like you kind of expect it to be a little stressful yeah i always describe youtube as more

work than people think but better than a real job yeah absolutely yeah yeah that's crazy there's so much money to be made in entertainment and we get to it goes directly to us it doesn't filter through some corporation like ab. It's nice. Yeah, it filters through the corporation of Google YouTube. You guys get AdSense? A little bit. We get demonetized quite a bit, so that's a thing.

I try not to let that affect the content. I'm pretty sure this will get demonetized, but, you know. But see what's more valuable, the monetization from one video or keeping the listeners happy making silly dumb jokes you know the real sweet kids yeah or uh kyle calling heila klein a scarecrow yeah yeah i didn't say she's a scarecrow i said birds would be afraid of her. Yeah. We've nearly insinuated it. So how did the standup go? Like it,

it wasn't a bomb. Was it just not what you hoped it would be? When I did stand up? Yeah. Yeah. So I didn't understand in standup that you really are until you're Louis CK or Bill Burr and you're a master of the form. You really have to stick to a setup. And then within two sentences, you need to deliver a punchline.

And that's how you have to communicate. I went up and I had some complex idea. And there were like five sentences that didn't generate a laugh at the start. So it felt mistimed. It felt awkward. I had one show where I pulled it off and it went pretty well. I did another show in New York with a ton of my fans there where I was way too drunk, was botching punchlines. And I remember thinking in the middle of the show, this isn't going as well as I would like to.

I kind of want to be somewhere else. So that's not a great sign as to how the performance went. Everyone who does stay there. Like I watch the Jerry lot. And of course course there's a lot of comedians on it. They go over how hard it is and how long it takes to get good. I can't think of many top-notch young people doing it. The people who are good in their 30s started in their teens. Totally.

It takes a while. Pete Davidson was a guy who was a prodigy and who admittedly was pretty funny when he was 20 years old, 19 years old, but drugs and fame has fucked him up. He just put out a special. It's kind of a piece of shit. Good old butthole eyes. Butthole eyes? His eyes are like buttholes.

Yeah. Yeah. Comedy being 30 is like being 20 because of what you're saying woody the development window is it's slow and he didn't have life experience he didn't have shit to write about yeah and you talked about how like your bit went well once but not the other times i wondered did you deliver it differently each time was maybe one audience better or like maybe it just needed a little bit of tuning you know you figure out where it goes hot and cold and adjust yeah it's probably that and i'm not saying that if i dedicated myself to the craft

i couldn't get better but like i said youtube it could be a new subject and you can do it however you want with scripted parts then live parts and with stand-up what really made me want to leave it i remember this specifically i wrote this bit about jesus being a carpenter and the punchline was basically like he's the fucking son of a god he understood he was the son of god at age 12 do you really think he was putting in even half-assed effort on the carpentry site and then i saw after i did my show and did that bit that jim gaffigan had done it about 15 years before the same bit and way better than me and i just thought oh yeah he's like i really hope that christ that savior thing works out because he built my cousin a house and it's a piece of crap exactly it's something like that yeah

and that was my punchline too and then i thought holy fuck dude so many bits have already been done by people way more talented than me that have had 30 years of stand-up under their belt i'm gonna go back to youtube where it's full of shitheads who have no talent and aren't doing anything interesting comedically and be a big fish in this small pond i'm gonna stick to my niche smart thinking smart how do you think that that like recycled joke came about do you think maybe you saw gaffigan's routine forgot you saw it and thought it was original or just total parallel thinking i think it was a total parallel thinking because i had watched the beginning of that special before but i'd never gotten to the end and i do think

parallel thinking is huge in comedy because there's only so much hypocrisy and and strangeness in the world for people to observe and write about and we tend to notice the same hypocrisies and the same strangeness yeah there's some stuff where like what you're saying is seems like parallel thinking like that that's a joke a lot of people could think of yeah there's like flagrants over the top intentional joke stealing like what amy schumer did to patrice o'neill after he died where she stole like a whole like four minute bit about sex things from him yeah because he used to talk like one of his things he'd be like what did he say like the the angry pirate where you you kick a girl in the shin come on her face and throw some pubes you shaved on there and so she jumps

around or come in her eye and then you know she jumps around going arg or something like that and then she did the exact same thing but called it like a slight different thing and it was like no bitch you were on the ona show with patrice you guys ran in the same click believe it or not amy schumer used to be funny before she got famous she had some really funny bits like funny roasts she was good on the roasts that got her famous she was funny being like now and it's probably not like her choosing it's probably like her handlers being like all right you're gonna do this fucking dumb ass movie where you play a fat bitch who's way too confident yeah and and on her tv show she didn't do all the writing so some of that joke stealing was her and some of it was their writers and she didn't know

oh i don't know about her show i was talking about her stand-up. Okay. Yeah, her show had some parallel thinking as well. Does she have a show still or no? I don't think, not that I know of, yeah. I don't think so. But she talked about it. She doesn't have a show? Chelsea Handler doesn't have a show? How many more unfunny people love shows?

Chelsea Handler deserves, Chelsea Handler's titties deserve a show. No, she doesn't. I'll never forget, Chelsea, when we got in a fight on Twitter four years ago and I told you your bullshit show was going to get canceled. And then I reminded you and it did. What a dick move.

Ah, there's your career. And now I'm blocked by Chelsea Handler. You got blocked by Chelsea Handler? I wonder if she remembered when when you reminded her if you were like i told you she was just being cunty where she i i said something about her not being funny and she was like i'll respect your opinion when blah blah blah blah blah uh when you have a television show where you can talk about your opinions and i was like shut up bitch enjoy the final season of your show or something to that effect and then uh i think i was meaner than that i might have called her

meaner than that because that was a little soft i don't remember and then i remember like when it did happen just tweeting like ha ha ha ha ha told you idiot or something you scumbag i love it but he's scumbag he's so mean on twitter i hear about taylor's twitter and like the legend of it and then by the time i get to it it's all deleted yeah well because because a lot of the times twitter will pop up and be like you have to delete this one and this one and this one and then you have it literally if you've never been suspended on twitter what they do is it shows all your offending tweets and the only button you can click and like the proceed button at the bottom or whatever is grayed out and you have to you they make you delete everything and then the button goes and

now you can come back and then it's or sometimes it'll be like now you can come back in 24 hours or something but that doesn't happen all that like. Like when you argue with Hutch. No, very rarely. No, no, no. You have to like, you have to go after like a kind of big deal celebrity blue check like kind of person for the most part. Dropping the C-bomb on a woman will get you suspended for a day too.

It's happened to me. Yeah. Yeah, it's, but really it's just like Twitter, people like, I used to try and have more like, just use it for shit posting, you know, just shit post and have a good time on there. What I've been following on there recently is Mr.

Medeker is he's a YouTuber. You probably don't know him. The same guy who got banned from the Berkeley Improv Group. No, no different. Oh, that was that was Dick Mastin. This is Mr. Medeker. He never shows his face.

He does a bunch of like, I guess deep dives into internet. I was going to say documentary, but yeah, deep dive is better. And he has been talking and following the Corona virus super closely and like retweeting every big thing about it. And it really is spreading a lot faster and a lot farther than we thought. Like people are dying in Iran now.

Like it's, it's getting fucking everywhere. I really think this is not like sars like this is much more communicable it's getting around faster like i really think this could kill a lot of people and i have in my opinion thus far has been all fucking bullshit overblown but you know and maybe i'm being an idiot right now but it seems like this could kill quite a few people i don't know i know nothing i know i'm coming from a complete place of guessing but is now the time to buy stocks right it just had the biggest like the worst week in the history

of the stock market or something like that all right here it is february 27th i thought it might have been the day we'll see if i was right or wrong well if coronavirus keeps going it's going to keep going down right and so just bide your time and buy even lower right or i don't know as much about stocks as you and that's being very generous this is not a bet being made with any kind of intelligence or backing it's just like heavily in ramen noodles and bottled water it dropped about 10 was it a 10 drop was it worthy of that it 10% high in the first place? I don't know. My face mask stocks through the roof. I'm making so much money.

I was just reading about a stock that went through the roof, but the company's been out of business for years. It's like a coronavirus play. Oh, it's off the front page. That's another one of my good ones. I invested in Chinese black hair dye. That's doing well. Why Chinese black hair dye? that's doing well. Why Chinese black hair dye?

Because they all have black hair. And when it starts to go gray, you only have one brand to pick, right? Oh, Jesus. Because they're all going to be out of business? There you go. It's off my MarketWatch page. But yeah, there's, I guess guess a company that used to make something beneficial maybe they made face masks i don't know and uh the stock has like been one of the biggest gainers

but they're out of business i think it's hilarious rats let me know oh go ahead i was gonna say let me do the smart mouth thing uh everyone hates talking to someone with bad breath that humid awful smell it keeps you from focusing on anything other than finding an excuse to leave. Now just think of all the times that you were the gross smelly one and the other person was thinking about trying to get away. You probably can't. And that's because we rarely have a, uh, a good read on our own bad breath odor. In other words, you could be walking around with trash mouth, not realize you're grossing everyone out. That's why smartMouth was invented. SmartMouth's

clinically proven two-liquid formula combines to instantly eliminate bad breath and prevent bad breath from returning all day. Rinse once in the morning for all day clean breath and once more before bed so you never even have the morning breath. Whether it's the boardroom or the bedroom, having confidence in your breath spells success. to smart smart mouth.com slash pka now for a free coupon you can find smart mouth products in the oral health aisles at walgreens cbs target right aid amazon walmart or wherever you shop once again smart mouth.com slash pka check them out i just want to talk about the uh go ahead no i go ahead no no you go go this sounds more important Check them out. I just got a text.

Go ahead. No, you go. This one's more important. I was just going to talk about what I wanted to talk about whenever Taylor got back. I need back. I don't know. Yeah. Taylor.

Wait till he puts one of his ears on. Taylor. What's up? You're all caught up with The Outsider. Oh, I am. That show's dope. I'm really, really enjoying it. That show is fucking good, right?

Yeah. I don't know how many more episodes there are. I can't tell if there's two more episodes or five more episodes. Was this episode eight? I think so, yeah. I was assuming we were only getting two more going to ten, like standard miniseries length. Maybe so, yeah.

Maybe there's 12. Maybe they're going to do a whole other season. This show is fucking awesome. It's on HBO. It's excellent. The it's a stephen king adaptation fuck i loved the last episode so much because like when the when the cops show up there at the end yeah by the way anybody who's listening who's not caught up on outsider give us a minute three minutes look down on the timeline. It'll be prepared for you so that you know that,

Oh, the outsider spoilers have ended. It was so cool that they went to that guy's house. I'm like, we're going to give this guy an alibi because we know what's coming. And then the fucking cops show up and they're like, got a video of the guy committing the crime. And they're like,

well, I'm sheriff Davies and this is GBI agent Mickelson. And we're with him all day and all night and it's just like yes yes finally some justice this thing's fucking cornered that was great i loved that moment it's yeah you're right that i liked that but something that's not specific to this episode but those like boils they get on the back of their neck real fucking gross like super it's not it's not an over-the-top style like like night of the living dead or what i'm trying to remember one where they were like the zombies are so fucking gross that it's like okay this is almost turning me off because there's no way the human body can look like that it's like you fell asleep in a window but only one thing from the blind was open only one of the little and it just shot a beam of rectangular light on the back of your neck all

day and blistered you up real it's disgusting but it's a believable kind of disgusting where it's like oh that could that looks like it could actually happen gross whereas like like the eyeballs hanging out and the jaw and the boo it's kind of like okay it's a little contrived that's a little that's a little lowbrow for me when he's in that fucking cave with the uh with the monster and it's just and it's like ripping flesh out of those deers or whatever the fuck it's eating back there and he's just kind of sitting there like yeah he eats that, yeah. He eats that first guy and he's like, he's like,

I'm hungry. He's like, but, but you just ate. He was full of cancer. Well, I guess you don't have to worry about that

no more. It's like, holy shit, this is a good fucking show. You want to know how many episodes there's going to be? That's what we were discussing.

We don't know. I do. Maybe two more, maybe four more. You never know. I might guess. Woody knows. Yeah. You want to know? That's what we were discussing. We don't know. I do. Maybe two more. Maybe four more. You never know. I might guess. Woody knows. You want to know? Yeah. Two more. So we're

right at the end here. They got to wrap some shit up. That black girl who plays the autistic character, she's real fucking good. I like her as that role. She has me convinced that she's autistic. I think she might be. If she is, that would has me convinced that she's autistic i think she might be if she is that would be so funny it's like all right well you're here for your uh your tryout name your favorite prime numbers one three seven like whoa calm down calm down or she like starts

high like 2111 it looks perfect yeah great i don't know if that's a prime number i'm not checking i want to know but i'm not gonna i figured if i ended it in 11 i'd have a decent i like your eyes right sometimes seven goes into shit like that but we don't know no yeah sometimes seven you bastard ruining myining my bit. But yeah, that show's really tight. I'm pretty disappointed that it's just... Every time there's a miniseries versus show, I'm both disappointed and relieved because miniseries are inevitably better

because they go into it with a regular story structure and they start it, they have lots of time to parse it out, and they finish. Whereas shows, you get shit like Mad men or uh walking dead that's a good example i'm trying to think of shows that were really really fucking strong off the start and by the end or the last couple seasons like what the fuck am i even watching thrones how did you not say that million percent right yeah that's a difference that's a different symptom uh to that to that cancer yeah that was shitty produce were they no directors producers what were uh

benny d. Weiss and Benny Hall or something? They were the producers, but they also directed a couple episodes. They were the showrunners, I think would be the best way to describe them. Yeah, fuck those guys. Fuck them in the ass. Yeah. You guys can D.P. them in the ass together.

Good thinking. I'm not protesting with those two. I believe you two might do this someday I'll help you TP they're coming in her mouth is unoccupied oh no we're all going in the same hole

Adriana Chechik style baby how do you fit three wastes near the same hole that's the challenge three what's in the same hole wastes right a triple penetration what is the angle of the bodies Waists near the same hole. That's the challenge. Three what's in the same hole? Waists, right? A triple penetration. What is the angle of the bodies? From what I remember, she was on her back like she would be getting fucked missionary.

And the three guys were, I think one of them might have been underneath her as a reverse cowgirl thing. And then two guys on either side missionary standing up. You got to have a lot of dick to make that happen. You know what you need that would help with this? A double amputee. Like if she had no legs, this could help out. She can't get away then! I love it! No, not

her. I don't want to do this anymore. We'll fucking hit the bricks. Oh, wait. You need all three of the guys to be double amputees up to basically the groin area, and then you arrange them like a little triangle, and then you sweep all their penises together, and then

she can squat on that. Maybe some trapeze elements. I don't know. I don't know how much that would help. That kind of complicates it, if anything. I like it more if I'm swimming in. Swimming? months yeah i don't know i don't know how much that would help that kind of complicates it if i've been watching that and i've been watching curb your enthusiasm those are those are my shows right now i've been watching a shitload of curb your enthusiasm i'm introducing someone to it

who's never seen it before so i just uh i picked up somewhere around i think the beginning of season six good place to pick up a lot of stuff happens i just started on season two because i'd watched the first season i loved it and i wasn't interested something about it's a scripted show but it's improvised so you lose the really good dialogue so it just seemed a little sloppy to me yep i know that's blasphemy i know i'm retarded it gets better as it goes there are some early episodes that are real fucking classics but the most recent seasons i feel like they're i mean the man is 73 years old but i feel like this current season is fucking amazing it's so funny and it's it's like seinfeld how multiple like storylines are intersecting in the middle to create this like funny bomb yeah it's a lot of

ridiculous funny shit yeah i've been watching my roommates watch some of the later seasons there's a guy with post-traumatic stress disorder gets taken to a civil war reenactment yes situations like that that's the joke you don't need clever he's fucking crawling with the musket he loses it larry's like he's got ptsd you said a guy with ptsd to a war reenactment what are you thinking i'm watching um season six is a good place to pick up because that's when a lot of things change. There just had been a hurricane so Larry's wife convinces him to bring a family in to live with them.

A victim of the hurricane who's lost their home. And they're the Blacks. Their last name is the Blacks. And they are black. And it's Vivica A. Fox, her auntie Ray or something like that. Two fucking kids and cousin

Leon. And Leon's like super ghetto. And like at the end of season six, they all fucking leave. They're gone. But Leon stays. Yeah. And he becomes Larry's black friend. And it's great. Larry goes to the doctor and his skinhead is like,

the fuck you looking at, Jew boy? Fucking faggot. And Larry is like, the fuck you looking at, Jew boy? Fucking faggot. And Larry's like, oh. And he just walks out. And he gets home and he tells Leon, his black friend, he's like, how's it a doctor? And this skinhead said, what the fuck you looking at, Jew boy?

Fucking faggot. And Leon's like,, oh yeah, yeah. What'd you do, Larry? What'd you do about that? I kind of slunk out. No, no, no. You punked out, Larry. You gotta get in that ass.

You gotta jump in that ass. Fucking spray paint your name on the wall. Throw some fucking gum on the floor. You getting that ass when it happens like that. You getting that ass. So of course larry goes back to the doctor he sees the bald guy coming back at coming out of the waiting room and he immediately like puffs up his chest he's like i'm gonna do this he's like hey you fucking bald fuck what do you think now and you fucking skinhead and the nurse goes he's not a skinhead he has cancer it's completely

different bald man he's like oh i'm so sorry i'm so sorry and the bald man walks out in the hall and larry's sitting there thinking leon's also in the hall though and he's he's like you've been fucking with larry you piece of shit no leon no it's like every episode's like that where it's just like it all comes full circle and just larry's i don't like white fish can i have a different sandwich can i trade yeah that's a great episode that's a very good episode like like a lot of really as the show goes on it's getting better and better and better. His manager, Jeff Green, looks suspiciously like Harvey Weinstein. So that's been a recurring thing this episode. Jeff Garland?

Yeah. People confuse him for Harvey Weinstein. They're like, you piece of shit! And he's like, what? What? And he's like, they said, no, this is my manager. This is Jeff. Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know. I thought you were Harvey Weinstein. We were talking at the beginning of the show about people like Bieber who have $250 million in the bank. Imagine having Larry David money in the bank. He's worth almost a bill, isn't he? Jerry Seinfeld is the richest actor ever. Jerry Seinfeld is worth like $900 million.

And I think Larry is worth something similar to that because he's co-created. What the fuck? How is there motivation to do anything when you're in a castle at the top of the Beverly Hills? I don't see how you'd have motivation for anything other than just getting pussy. That's why you don't get an episode of curb your enthusiasm every year like season six i think it's 2007 or 2008 they're on season 10 now right they do an episode they do a season

like every three years and they're 10 episodes right they're small seasons and that improves debuted on october 15 2000 that's like right after Seinfeld ended. I did not know that. Yeah, that's why the quality is so good, especially in the later seasons, because he'll take three years and make 10 episodes. Season 8 came out on July 10, 2011. Season 9 came out on October 1, 2017. The guest stars are unparalleled.

Like every episode, he'll have an A-list. Clive Owen or somebody will be on. And like half a dozen just sort of like B-listers. And there'll be an A-lister every episode and like two or three B-listers. Like you'll recognize everybody. It's pretty cool. I love that show. Just sit and think for a second what it'd feel like to be worth $300 million.

I wouldn't be making Curb Your Enthusiasm. What's the difference between being worth it? Oh, blues tie it up with 30 seconds left in the third. The blues suck, Taylor. They're fucking blowing it. I will eat your ass so hard you won't even know. I'm going to tongue punch that box.

I'm going to make out with you after drinking a bottle of piss. Yeah? How about I blow you? How would you like that? You'd like that, wouldn't you, faggot? Can I watch? Ah, touche. This is an arbitrary ending to a gay conversation. All right, fan of the show.

He was telling me this story shortly before we started. His ex-girlfriend, he was talking to her, and they went out to dinner, and she wanted to come over, spend the night, Netflix, and snuggle. But, actually snuggle. No sex, because she was worried that they'd catch feelings if they had sex again.

So he said... Who are these two people again, I'm sorry? Fans of the show. The guys. And, um, so he's like, no sex, you can't stay over, fuck you. What do you think of this move alpha how do you know what this doesn't do it i'm on the i'm on the other team i'm on the other looking to cuddle with you

cunt oh but listen i got a teddy bear and i fuck him too bitch i get sweaty at night hear me out this is how the call went when he explained it everyone was like that is a low t move you were up in there you were you were 90 to getting laid that night she's going to dinner with you she's digging you she's afraid she's gonna catch feelings there's a pumper and dumper uh like opportunity here and that he didn't take what he should have done wait wait so i understand she explicitly said prior to this i just want to snuggle and watch tv and i think share a bed words share but oh oh dude she wanted no no no no i think you're wrong on this guy i think she wanted to fuck but she wanted the plausible deniability of not feeling like a whore yeah not trying to fuck a girl like that i think

it was a low t move i think it was a low low t move that that you know look if you have a 90 chance of getting late maybe you know because i i bet you i get 19 so i was never in the game when getting laid was easy uh unless it was for you guys at 19. But anyway, if there's a 90% chance of hitting a home run, you swing. I'm not taking you – if you're not enough of an adult to admit that, hey, yeah, maybe something will happen, don't come over to my – I'm not taking you to fucking dinner. You're not spending the night at my fucking house. I'm not looking to hang out with a child. Why is your pussy so precious?

When I spend the night at Kyle's, I come loose. He comes lubed up and ready to fucking be plowed. I walk through the front door and ask first. He backs into that motherfucker. He comes in. He goes, beep, beep, beep. He knows what game it is. It's to the point now I can buckle myself into the sex swing.

I'm kidding. Right. He hops in. I'm dexterous. But forgive me, I don't know this listener. I kind of doubt that he's going to bend her over, take a couple pumps, cum in her, and then throw some napkins at her and kick her out. He's probably going to have sex with her too also catch feelings in quotes and then be back in

some shitty relationship is that what this guy wants i don't know yeah it is funny how people are like catch feelings like it's a totally unnatural thing where it's just like oh you you like somebody, bitch. That part of you still exists. I know what you're saying. You have a soul still retard. You just need to irony poison that out.

Just, just, just be shitty enough on the internet for a decade. So Kyle says he made the right move. Taylor says he missed an opportunity. Danny, I say, I don't think this kid's macho enough

To just fuck her and then cut her loose I think he would be a little bitch About it too and get sucked back into the relationship Maybe My thing is like We don't know the individuals involved I'm putting myself in his business You do actually know him but carry on

What's his name start with? What's the letter? Is it D? No know him but carry on what's his name start with what's the letter he's no I his real name starts with a G and his gamer tag starts with an S for the cheers helping me oh wait I know you're talking about I know you don't know nope I didn't I don't know yeah I don't know him but in any case I mean I know I've seen his name before but I've never played any games with him or anything I don't know what his voice sounds like at the end of the day dude get pussy where you can find it you know I'm what he's typing so I'm waiting for more information. But I'll say this.

Like, if you're coming over to my house, then there's going to be some sort of, oh, okay. Okay, well, you... Woody, you ranted a lot of people. So I'm like, no, it's the guy I ranted at that one time. He's like, come on, Woody. You know, people, they overstep, Kyle. We need you to slim that down.

Okay, I'm narrowing it down to six or seven guys all right does he have an australian accent well shit i don't know which one then oh this is like guess who what a fun game ah flipping them down yeah yeah so uh yeah i i don't know what his deal is but but like if i'm putting myself in his shoes and like there's a girl and i'm talking to her about coming over to my house or whatever, there's going to be some sort of flirtatious talk where I'm like, we're going to do this and that, or maybe we'll do this and that. There's going to be some sex talk where it's nailed. And if she says, no, I'm not really looking to do that, It's like, well, look, I'm not looking for a sleepover. Then I'm not looking to share my vodka with you. And my television choice.

I got to pee in your mouth in the shower. I'm not looking to have a sleepover. All right. Like I'm not 12. So like if you're going to come to my house and I'm going to prepare you a meal and entertain you for three or four hours and then go into my and then we're going to sleep in the same bed together but there's not going to be any sex then either a i don't want to deal with you or b what you mean is oh i'm too much of a maiden to to admit that i have i fornicate in which case i also don't want to hang out with you if you're that kind of girl. Like, Jesus Christ.

Like, I don't know if we talked about it earlier. Wing's girlfriend's a virgin? Like, would you marry a virgin? Let's circle back to that. I just want to get one more fact out. Tell me if this changes your opinion of the situation at all. When he found out that she only wanted to cuddle, he decided to split the bill instead of paying for it hell yeah

alpha move we like it alpha move yeah i'm not gonna have that he i feel like i'm coming down on the different side from kyle he should have taken that chance that's where i am he wanted some pussy and it's like dude this girl is coming over she's sleeping in your bed with you she wants to fuck she just doesn't want to seem like a wh sleeping in your bed with you. She wants to fuck. She just doesn't want to seem like a whore over text. So you're going to have to do some in-person moves instead of the prerequisite. I don't want to hang out with my dick.

I've dealt with that one time before. I had a girl, a fan, if you will. I don't know where I was. Florida, Vegas, somewhere. And this girl, I did, you know, I do this thing where I'd go on Facebook and I'm like, hey, I'm flying into this or that city. What's fun to do here?

I am. What I mean is, who wants to fuck? And so I'm scrolling through about 800 or 900 comments on Facebook looking for female profile pictures. Eventually, I come upon three. Those are incredible numbers. if you find three or five it's like you found three to five women who are fans of you who are trying to who are in the city you are you happen to be in who want to hang out fuck tender are you kidding me now so but anyway

this girl's like yeah i'm in tampa or vegas wherever the fuck we were i honestly don't remember she comes to my hotel room brings liquor and like and like chaser i don't have anything you know and and we're drinking and partying or whatever and like like what like like listen to music and watching tv or whatever and then we get into bed and she just wants to cuddle. And I'm like, are you serious? I was like, alright, well, goodnight. She's like, what do you mean?

I was like, I mean you can leave now. She's like, you just wanted to have sex with me? No, I wanted to hear some more of those amusing anecdotes. Tell me again what it's like here in the armpit of Florida. Get the fuck out of my room.

Get the fuck out of here. There's somebody else waiting in line. And you take this bag of Funyuns you ordered and I paid for it. I don't like them. I don't want to cuddle by them. Onions are horrible pre-sex food. What were you thinking? That aftertaste is foul.

Let me ask you this. Back around to smart mouth. I just forgot about the Funyun thing. We'll finish this topic. Go ahead, Danny. Sorry. Woody, I just want to ask, who dumped whom in this relationship? I think that'll tell us a lot.

Oh, it's unknown. I didn't ask that. I didn't ask that. I wonder if Kyle said that he's in town for the weekend. My friend group says that makes you extra attractive. Like, I know a guy on Tinder who wasn't having the greatest of luck. And then he's like, hey, you know, in Albuquerque for two days, if anyone wants to hook up, I'm here.

Killing it. You know, just killing the game. You're on a work trip or something? When I was on Tinder a couple years ago, you just switch your location to wherever that new city is a couple days ago. And then you just say, change your bio and say, I'm only in town until Sunday at 1pm.

Taylor was just in town for two days in St. Louis, Missouri for years! I was hop, skip, and a jump from leaving town and then every time just back home. They're like, this is one hell of an Airbnb! Airbnb! They got everything here!

You got pictures of your family? Of your Airbnb? Family's very important to me. Right? Girls have that number, right? That number of guys they've fucked. And you don't want it to get too extraordinarily high, right? Yeah, they always lie.

80, 90. Yeah. But if you're only in town for the weekend, I'm pretty sure the rule is that doesn't count towards the number. Absolutely. Women have all sorts of horribles. I guarantee the girl we double vaginaled counted us as zero. Oh, that's negative two. When there's two at once, they can't.

Negative two. Guaranteed. She's like, ah, that was just me having fun out at the club. too. Guaranteed. She's like, ah, that was just me having fun out at the club. Guarantee in her head because she was on coke or it was past 1am, it didn't count. Past 1am.

Well, this is... She's like a gremlin. You don't feed her cock after midnight. An old reference. Women who only whore it up on February 29th. It was a late day.

I will not ask my girlfriend what her number is because A, I know she's going to lie and B, what possible comfort or help could it be to have that number floating around in your brain? Yeah. Yeah, as in like she definitely lied to you for sure oh 100 she would lie yeah they all do she'd count serious boyfriends

and maybe the guy she lost her virginity to everything else would fall out like a sieve that's how that number is built yeah exactly well i dated this guy for three years this guy for seven and that one guy in high school yeah every guy's like a fucking fucking 200 every girl's like yeah two it's like yeah i can see your pussy lips hanging at the bottom of your shorts babe that's not the way this works when i've talked to girls about the number of guys they fucked the most common number i hear by far is three. It seems like there's been some sort of meeting or international conference. There's been a consortium

of women, of lying women deciding that's the number most believable. And guess what? That's what I hear. We're not falling for your fucking tricks. You tricked us into the 19th Amendment and where's that gotten us? Is that women's suffrage? Yeah. You tricked us into that.

This podcast is a hard stance against the 19th Amendment. What are men and women responsible for? Take the vote away! Give me two votes. That's the way it should be. Every landowning male should have his vote and the vote of his

woman play it like a blackjack table or something double down double down on Bernie hit me oh Utah just got so many more the guys are having 6-7 votes

yes the popular vote came in and Utah is a game changer. That's what it would be. So is Saturday South Carolina and Tuesday the Super Tuesday? Does that sound right? I thought South Carolina was Tuesday, but I haven't researched it very much. I just thought they were all Tuesday. Yeah, Bernie's going to win.

He's unstoppable. Bernie might not win South Carolina. My prediction for South Carolina is Biden at 27.5% and Bernie at 25%. I think it'll be close, but I think Biden beats Bernie in South Carolina. Is Biden from South Carolina? No, but there's a lot of black people there.

I don't recall exactly where he's from, but there's a lot of black people in South Carolina and southern African Americans, sort of like Joe Biden. Makes sense. Yeah, South Carolina, the Democratic vote of South Carolina is 60 percent African-American. So it's super important to be strong amongst African-Americans. And I saw a poll. I think Biden's crushing it there.

I don't know how the election will go, but that's what they're saying. That makes sense. I think Biden's crushing it there. I don't know how the election will go, but that's what they're saying. That makes sense. It's funny that even the guy he worked with for eight years won't come out and endorse him because Obama sees the writing on the wall, and so Biden can be a silly-ass bitch desiring it,

and Obama's just going to be like, Joe, you're a little bit of a retard, and I'm not putting my name behind you. You're embarrassing, and I saw little bit of a retard. And I'm not putting my name behind you. You're embarrassing. And I saw you piss into that plant. I saw it. You didn't think anyone would notice. But it's a ficus.

It smells. That was an indoor plant. You don't think I noticed when all my beautiful Hawaiian plants died in the Oval Office? I saw it. We got cameras in there. I pissed in that all day. Sometimes I'd watch you walk past the bathroom, come in here and piss. I'm not sure what it's about but i'm not endorsing you biden says he talked to obama about it and said don't endorse me i want to earn it myself

oh oh okay that's what happened three times and he's never won a single state so this might be his first time ever south carolina you're a fucking retard and i don't like you and i know you're a listener i don't think he's a listener i'm sure he's not busy your fuckable granddaughter's a listener how do you like that how do you like that joe biden all the shit you stay with my grand i i don't know i'm assuming one of them is fuckable. I don't know. Legally or physically?

Did you see him grabbing that baby by the fucking crotch the other day in that picture I sent you? I did, where he's like... He holds a toddler by the... He fucking grabs him by the pussy, like right in there. He's just like, look at this. Right up in the craw. Right up in there. In the craw. He C-clamps the craw this! Right up in the crawl. Right up in there. In the crawl.

He C-clamps the crawl like it's an AR-15. He's just... You can tell he went in and did that rotate. He's in there deep. It's because he likes... And the look on his face. That sick fucking look. He's just like...

He didn't know where he was. And the fact that he has an erection. Oh. Diamond hard. That's impressive at his age, though. He's got my vote now. That's because he used bluechew.com to get a hard-ass dick.

That's what you get. Honestly, are there any candidates that could get a hard dick naturally? Pete Buttigieg. Elizabeth Warren. For a woman.

For a woman. No, Pete can probably get his dick hard. Can you imagine that rat-faced fuck? He's back there anyway. Oh, that's fair. That's fair.

Do you remember that? There was some funny clip. Dude, have you seen the clips of making fun of Buttigieg for doing Obama voice? No, but I'm already triggered. He literally is imitating the cadence of Obama and saying the same thing. He's copying the speech. He's copying the speech. Word for word. Let me

find the one. It's so funny. Change. It's literally like they, it's so funny. They have like a split screen. Obama, Pete. And it's just like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yep, let's watch this. Let's queue up on this

bullshit. Look at this. Look at this. Look at this fake fucking piece of shit. Now, if you're telling me, I don't like to suck cock, I got news for you. I'm ready. You guys ready?

I am a zero. Three, two, one, play. The way we do every other election by giving it to the person who got the most votes. Just a thought. Brings us to this. This country was built. It is a movement reaching in election by giving it to the person who got the most votes just a thought brings us this country this country was built it is a movement reaching in at church basements and barbershops and universities and with our kids and if we can light up the world then we can light up the city

shining as a beacon around the world once more and this is our chance to answer that call i'm inspired i don't know what he was talking about. I mean, here you have two powerful, democratic, strong gay men. I was heading there. I'm sorry. I'm always heading toward him. Michelle Obama has a cock joke.

I should have known. Let me get there. I'm sorry. I sabot have known. I should have known. Let me get there. I'm sorry. I sabotaged you. I seen it. I seen it. I seen it. I seen that cock.

Doing a good thing. I knew a negative aspect about myself. Yeah, he's totally like hitting on those Obama points. So, yeah, it seems like he's fucking done. Klobuchar, what are you doing, bitch? Nobody likes you. Why is she in this election? Why are you throwing staples at me?

Tulsi Gabbard's still in it. You realize that? I forgot she was in it. She's not in the debates anymore. She's not allowed. Yeah. She doesn't get any votes or any donations. Dude, Bloomberg is, like, nobody likes that dude.

I hate it. If they put him up, like fucking no Bernie bro is gonna be like, yeah. Did you see Elizabeth Warren? People liked Bloomberg before they knew him though. Elizabeth Warren has been telling the same

lie for years, not about being Native American, about when she got pregnant as a teacher and then was fired for being pregnant. It's been debunked. She lied about that? That's shitty. Yes. It's been completely debunked several times. It's a fakery, a forgery. It's a lie.

She still tells the story with the same inflections and the same pauses and the same gestures. And she told it at the debate the other night. And at the end of it, she says something like, the other night. And at the end of it, she says something like, at least the principal who fired me didn't say what Mike Bloomberg said when his employee told him that she was pregnant. Kill it. And by the way, I stand by everyone's rights to murder children. Exactly. Now, I wouldn't be wrong to kill it. Are you guys going pro-life on me

but a man should never decide that unless he identifies as a pregnant woman in which case he actually has more right than a woman unless of course he's a white man who identifies as a woman in which case a white man who identifies as a woman, in which case a white man who identifies as a woman of color has more say. Can you do that? What have I done? Are you allowed to do that? Because you can just identify as a different gender.

You can be transracial. No, they crucified that Rachel Dozal bitch who was like, I'm black, and they're like, bitch, you're Irish. You got freckles under there, and they're not the fucking Morgan Freeman kind they're the white guy they're always after me fried chicken is she the one that was the head

head of the NCAA CP best buddy line they're always after me snap benefits what was her name again Taylor what was the girl's name I want to show her picture to people. Oh, I'm sorry. From what picture?

No, I was going to show her picture. Oh, Rachel Dolezal. D-O-L-E-Z-A-L, I think is it. And she was the one who was like, I'm a proud black woman who happens to maybe be Irish and wear a lot of shoe polish. Like that kind of bitch.

Cheap? But it is so funny that people are like, oh, you identify as a woman? You identify as a man? Yeah, that's totally valid. I mean, biologically you're wrong, but that's okay. And then someone's like, I identify as a different race. And they're like, what the fuck? Are you high?

Are you stupid? Doesn't she look like she could be black? Well, yeah, she's got her perm on and she's wearing like tanner. So she looks like she could be like a who is it? Like a talcum ex. I think that's his name. I don't know that person.

Sean King. He's the Black Lives Matter guy who has all of his pictures in black and white, but you see him next to black people and it's like, you look like a white guy who has a bad mustache. Is what you look like. Sean King. I can see how she got away with it.

It would be very rude to question whatever she said she was. She could tell me she was white. She could tell me she was black she could tell me she was black italian irish anything i just this guy woody his profile pic looks like you after you accidentally went to a black barber oh no i got squared up oh no i got squared up you got fucking squared up dude they offered to square me up a couple times in prison i was just like nah i'm gonna pay a a non-felon to yeah i'm gonna i ain't gonna do that for you yeah who is this that's that's Mom, one of my favorite Howard Stern

guests. Oh, I feel like I could peel her skin off and it would reveal a juicy layer of turkey meat. It's Patricia, bitch. Yeah. That's your mom? Jesus. Yeah, she was famous for supposedly

tanning her baby. With what? She should be cooked alive. With supposedly tanning her baby with what she should be cooked alive with a tanning machine I'm a tanning man if she had some sort of rub on tan it wouldn't be child abuse you'd be okay with spray tanning a baby

well I'd be more okay are you broke baby spray tan I want to nail that down right now. Wait till you see George Foreman. That's good. That's fucking good. I think it's, I'm thinking about adding it as an amendment.

Everyone should be able to tan their babies as they wish. Do you know what Baron looked like before his bitch mom took him away and wouldn't let him? He looked like a golden god. That kid, have you seen my son? He's six foot seven. He's 11 years old, last time I recall. My God, man. And you should see the hog on this.

You should see the absolute hog on this kid. My God. I'm thinking about buying up a couple of porn companies to put him in there. He can do it. Believe me, I've watched him. I hook him up with, what are you talking about, press secretary? You're fired too. I guess he's still not fired.

I'm so glad this podcast didn't slip by on how you're doing your Trump. I've watched my son fuck and he does it well. Best. Lots of people are asking and I've told them he's the best. He learned from his old man. He learned from me. He hasn't seen me at my best. I'll admit that. I'm full of it. You admit that. You know that I'm a humble guy.

The way that shaft goes in and out, there's a rhythm to it that i've never seen i call it his trump tower i call it his trump tower i tried to spread pretty gold this bitch mom comes in says something in that gobbledygook language not a fan not a fan i'm about to send her back to fucking East Germany wherever the fuck that bitch is from which of your kids fucks the best Don? I mean Ivanka really knows how to take it you went there

Ivana right? they're all the same Ivana's the wife Ivanka's the kid Ivanka's the daughter easily the worst is Eric he looks like a fucking mongrel wife, Ivanka's the kid. The ex-wife, yeah. Ivanka's the daughter, right? Easily the worst is Eric. He looks like a fucking mongrel. He can't get in the way. He can't even graze the penis.

It's all over the place. I hate him. I fucking hate Eric. That's why I forbid him from tweeting. That's why I forbid him from tweeting. I give all of it to Don Jr., my other retarded son. Yeah, I don't know. I like that we were nice to Baron in that bit. He's just a kid.

Yeah. He fucks like a king. But he fucks like a kid. You should see the loads this kid produces. By God, I put a zinc supplement in his bathroom, and before I know it, there's fucking ectoplasm all over the place. Looks like Ghostbusters around here. Yeah, that Baron seems cool

because he's going to be the ultimate Chad when he gets older because he was young enough to not get inculcated in any of the stuff that makes the general public dislike Trump. Yeah, no collusion on him. But he's rich. Well, no collusion on Trump either, apparently. Oh, yeah.

Of course not. Also, fucking Baron, he's going to be like six foot eight. He's worth a billion dollars or three or four, whatever Trump's worth. And his dad was the president. He's going to be smashing gash.

Good for him. And you know what, Baron? I know you're listening. Good for you. And text me updates. He's six foot two, Baron Trump. And he's like 13. He's six foot two baron trump and he's like 13 he's six foot two i thought he was like five foot one at most oh you haven't seen him lately he's a big boy that kid's huge dude he's doing great really have you seen the photoshop though of like you know when trump was touching that orb

like it all like him and the saudi and they're all smiling, touching the orb. And then there's like a Photoshop that's like ever since Trump touched the orb, his arms have been getting longer. Longer and longer and longer and longer. OK, yeah, this could hit you. Light eyes on him. I didn't realize. Yeah, I got another pick. He's got a very confused look about him, though. Am I wrong?

Let me see. I can't believe I found the exact tweet that fast. Yeah, that's enough for me. Ever since Trump touched the orb, his arms have been getting longer. his arms have been getting longer. If you go left, top right, bottom right, it's hilarious. Because at first he's like an orangutan, but then all of a sudden

he mutates into something completely inhuman. Something sinister. Like it would be chasing you down a hallway with wiggly arms. God, his daughter's hot. That's funny. Look at her.

She is not just beautiful, but she's very well put together. The outfit and everything. That's just a real nice looking lady. I'd describe her as a real cutie patootie yeah yeah i would too yeah and you know what i don't think i've ever heard a word out of her mouth that i liked or agreed with but she's cute she's cute she seems very intelligent she's the kind of girl that would get to where she is now even if she wasn't the daughter of a president, you know? Yeah.

Just like Michelle Obama's book about kids not being fat. Like, she's a genuinely brilliant woman. She's an author. A published author. She's an author. She's Mark Twain in a female black body. Yeah. With a bigger dick. A three-minute soul school.

Female. Yeah. yeah with a bigger dick female ish we're fast and loose with the rules nowadays on what's a man and what's a woman we are I just wonder where the cut off with that is if I said that I was a woman Would they let me go into like a fucking

Oshkosh Begosh at the mall And just walk into the women's room I fucking hope not Of course they will You can go into an Oshkosh Begosh if you want Not into the women's room Or at least the first three times I didn't

They keep turning me away I dispute your claims. Sir, your penis is out. That's my clit. Sir, you seem to be leaking pre-cum in the shoe section. That's discharge. Does anyone have a pad?

I have a UTI right now, and sometime when my pussy gets irritated, my dick gets hard. That's just how I feel. So, yeah. Blues win, so that's good. Solid winner. Who did they beat?

Oh, boy. To you, Danny. Who did they beat? They beat the fucking... I was only looking at the blue score. I don't even remember. They beat the New York Islanders, and the Islanders are doing pretty fucking solid this year.

So that was a nice little win. Losing by one up until 30 seconds left, blue score, and then winning overtime. Yes, I'll take some of that. First place in the West, right? First place in the West. Hell yeah, blues. The weakness in the blues front three

is going to show come playoff time, and they're going to crumble in the West. Hell yeah, Blues. The weakness in the Blues front three is going to show come playoff time and they're going to crumble in the first round. I've been saying this since at least January 1st. Front three. Front three. The well-known hockey term. I was going to ask you. I don't know anything about hockey. I haven't watched a game in 10 years.

I was just going to try to throw out terminology and save it made you nervous. Hockey knows about their weakness. Taylor, you nervous. Talk to me about their weakness. Taylor, you didn't bite on that one at all. There's no third three. I thought there were three guys that kind of attacked the goal. You call them the first line, probably. Yeah, if you said first line, you might have got me.

Because we're a deeper team. Teresanko's not there like they're supposed to be. That fucker should be getting back anytime. I was going to ask. I heard he was out for the season, but you guys are having a cup run type year again. Yeah, he should be out for the season, but apparently

he's progressing a lot better. He's three weeks away from coming back and then hopefully he can get his sea legs under him because he's our best offensive player by far. And the fact that we've been able to do all that. And the Blues are done, you piece of shit.

It's only a matter of time until they're done. You're going to ask the locker room. Yeah. I don't know. No, I won't talk about hockey anymore. What are your top 25 favorite things about hockey? It's a lot of things. The ice.

The ice. The hot dogs. The goals. Tarasenko. The blues. That place nearby, the Blues Arena, that serves really good thin crust pizza. I forget the name.

What number are you on now? Do you like the goals more than your favorite team? Like the goal? Well, I'm a hockey fan. I'm not just a Blues fan. I watch games all the time between teams that I'm not even a fan of just because I played hockey my whole life.

And so I love watching the game at the highest level. It's a lot of fun for me uh and still the hot dogs are number four yeah the hot dogs uh the the russian interviews where they don't understand english and they have to try really hard um uh fucking the passes uh icing surprising enough that's up one second taylor kyle did you think he was actually going to commit to this 25 item list? I knew he would. That's why I knew it would. Then we'll cut it short, then. Then we'll cut it short. Those are my top 10

with icing rounding it out. Big week next week, MMA. MMA next week, very big weekend. Who's fighting? It'll be March 7th. Woody gave me a weird look, so maybe I'm wrong. No, I'm not saying you're wrong. Is it Adesanya?

Is that who's... It's Adesanya and Ewell Romero. And it is... Isn't it Joanna and Wei Li? I don't know. I'll look it up. I believe Joanna Janjacek is fighting Wei Li. That's pathetic. The only worst display of athleticism you're going to see this year

is the Blues' last hockey game. It's going to be a bunch of bullshit. They won the Stanley Cup last year. They're doing pretty good. You were right, Kyle. Yoel Romero will limp out of that cage with a broken ACL if I were in there. The Danny Mullen heel hook, dude. The Danny Mullen classic heel hook the danny mullen heel hook it's more feared than rusamar paul harris is oh jesus the cat

doesn't let go uh yeah so razor blade taped to the back of his achilles this guy he's talking about is the juiciest juice head in the history of mma he's fucking jacked and when he gets the guy in a heel hook it's like trying to break his knee and shit um he doesn't let go so the ref has to forcibly peel his fingers off his victim and uh and get him to stop breaking him he's ended like four careers in the octagon alone with heel hooks he went against jake shields who is a very good grappler so not really susceptible to his signature leg busting move and he just poked him in the eyes the entire fight which in boxing like not boxing boxing but like in the stand-up that sometimes happens but they were on the ground he's just poking him in the eyes on the ground cracking his

eyes it was like have you ever, there's an SNL skit. They do this black and white thing, and they go back to the early days of the NFL, and it's like, players from this age will tell you the most feared man in the game, Billy

the Gun Rengar. And they go player after player, and he's like, oh, no, yeah, it was the Gun. Yeah, the gun, bang off. And they go like player after player, and he's like, oh, no doubt, it was the gun. Yeah, the gun. Yeah, it was the gun. We were all afraid of him. Mostly because he was always drunk.

And he played carrying a gun. And it's Steve Martin, like, he's the quarterback, and in one hand he's got the football and in the other he's got a revolver and anyway he comes near and he's fucking shooting at him he told us stay back or I'll kill you and he just

passes with a gun to keep the away from anybody that's classic one accent that I don't request it. I demand it. You need to learn a Yoel Romero.

I have no idea what Yoel Romero sounds like. I love you! I love you! It's the best. Don't forget Jesus! Is it down here? What is it? Do it again. You need to study it.

Kyle's doing pretty well. He sounds like a drunk guy with CTE straight out of one of Castro's gulags. It's beautiful. Don't forget to get Jesus! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! Don't forget to be Jesus

I don't know who this fucking man is he's a gargantuan Cuban muscle head he's a gargantuan Cuban muscle head who speaks very simple English any boys come out like this he did a little raspy like that he was trying to say in a post

fight like interview like he's got the mic big crowd he was trying to say in a post-fight interview, he's got the mic, big crowd. I think he was trying to say, don't forget about Jesus. Or maybe don't forget the Jesus. You know, English is not his first language. Sure. It came out, don't forget gay Jesus! And they're all

like, bro! No, no! Don't forget gay Jesus! Gay Jesus! And they're like, What am I saying? And he's like,

fuck, they really hate Jesus here! Now gay Jesus is an MMA meme everywhere. That's funny. I get to sign off and go to bed here. West Coast time is a little late. That's funny. Oh, that poor guy. I get to sign off and go to bed here. West Coast time. It's a little late. That's how it works, right? You guys are more ahead than me.

What time is it where you're at? 11. Shows in 13 minutes or 12 minutes. I don't know if you want to stick or go. Oh, I can't be a faggot now that you've put me to that. 13 minutes remaining. We've already proven you can be kind of a faggot now that you've put me to that. 13 minutes remaining. We've already proven you can be kind of a faggot. We have proven that.

My penis was falling up against another penis while I orgasmed. This is the first ever episode where all four of us say faggot. Did you wear a condom for that? I wore a condom. Did the other guy? No. Oh, that's right. The other guy had the pregnancy scare and had the day after and monitor and such

yeah yeah you could have had twins together we could have that's not how that works fraternity tests can work i think in rare situations that actually can't happen right i'm gonna call kyle a retard but he's actually right yeah yeah yeah there would have to be two eggs right the woman produces two eggs and you get both guys especially if it's like a like a 36 year old woman where they're like shooting out multiple eggs at a time just trying to get something going they're falling out it's like long oh i'm worried about my career i'm in middle management and the body's like you're gonna die alone please have a child is that a body thing or a fertility treatment thing i always thought

i made it up i made it up oh okay okay it was convincing yeah see that's that's why i'm in sales makes it up in a convincing way so but yeah big fight you were right joanne your j chick is fighting uh unnameable chinese chick um what why i mean i mean i don Chinese chick. I don't know why you attempted, Joanna, your J-check, but you didn't want to go with Wei Li. Oh, Wei Li? Yeah, Joanna Jocek

is fighting someone I can't remember. I think your J-check is pretty close. What do you got? Fighting out of this corner, yet another only child from the republic of china i guess joanna uh jan jay check that's my best attempt at her name it is it is a difficult name it's probably one of the most yeah your pronunciation might be right it's nothing like the letters though oh yeah forget about trying to like read it and sound it out that's a lost fucking cause um it took me a while to get khabib norma gamed off down i refuse to pronounce it

with an h and marika sherapov or whatever the other guy's name is that one's a real tongue twister there's a few that are like that um valentina shevchenko some people can can have a little bit of a difficulty with but i mean you know oh the derrick brunson fight got canceled maybe or maybe i didn't know he's fighting i thought he just fought like like last like two cards ago you're like you're thinking about uh cory anderson who looks about the same derrick maybe i'm thinking i'm thinking about the black beast oh yeah that uh curtis something that's curtis blaine's movie derrick lewis right Oh, yeah. Curtis something. That's Curtis Blades. Derek Lewis, right? Okay, yeah. I think you're right.

Yeah, they all look the same. But, yeah, it's going to be a good card. I'm pretty excited for it. Fighters. They're all big, muscular guys. That's what I thought you were saying. And then, obviously, like, you know, Tony Khabib. I'm so fucking...

The press conference for Tony Khabib is coming up this week or next week. It's very soon. That fight is as cursed as Blackbeard's treasure. I know, right? Taylor, for your benefit, this is like the 155-pound fighters, the same weight class that Conor McGregor was so successful in.

These two guys, Khabib Nurmagomedov and Tony Ferguson, have been slated to fight one another, I believe, four times now. And it keeps falling through because of injuries or kidney failures. I think it's been canceled four times, and this is five. Tragically, the night before the weigh-ins, wasn't it, when it was in Vegas? Maybe the night before the fight? For the Khabib one, yeah.

Yeah, it was heartbreaking when that fight got canceled yeah it's been real shitty every time it's gone down because it's a very interesting matchup because you have khabib never met off this incredible he's got a perfect record he's never lost a fight he's that he's this ground and pound master who seems to weigh 300 pounds while fighting at 155 pounds like like he just crawls on you like the fucking blob he's like it's like he's got stick them on his hands and he just you can't get him off but then you've got tony ferguson who's the best there is from fighting off his back with these elbows that he uses this vibrator that like percussion beats the nerves to death have you

seen him killing the nerves in his shins and knees? I've seen him hit his deadlift rack repeatedly. He just elbows his squat rack. He has a machine. It looks kind of like a Hitachi vibrator that women would use, but it does a percussion, but very fast. And it goes, and he kills the nerves in his elbows and his shins. So they're completely numb, and he can use them them as weapons as hard as he can throw them. He busted his knee and invented his own rehab.

I'm sorry, Danny, that involved kicking steel poles. Danny, you were saying something? I had nothing to say. I was just going to talk shit on the blues. We can handle it this year. We won the cup last year. I say we because I was a part of it. I was a part of their success. You can. We can handle it this year. We won the cup last year. First time. Yeah, I say we because I was a part of it.

I was a part of their success. No, I have nothing to do with it. I didn't even go to many games last year. No, I'm super psyched. I'm super psyched. That's the fucking Tony Ferguson. I love Tony Ferguson. An actual crazy person. An actual crazy person.

It's like a joke. It's literally a joke that he's allowed to compete against other men in a combat sport. He's a terror to behold. I would much rather fight. He's the last person I'd want to fight. If I had to fight any 155-pounder, he is the last one I would fight. Conor McGregor, he's going to hit me once, and I'm going to go to sleep. Khabib, he's going to crawl on me like fucking glue.

And I'm going to be allowed to tap. No, dude, I'm pretty sure you can take him. I could definitely kick the guy's fucking head. I'm talking about the way they beat you. He beats you in the... His opponents all look like they've been in car accidents. He uses elbows. It's true.

It looks like their face hit the glass. Yeah, let me show you exactly what I'm talking about. His method. He hits and slides his elbow on the face and they just cuts them open and he spent he trains it he specializes it you just and and they all get cut up on their face it's the it's a terrible way to lose i remember my wrestling coach in eighth grade telling me to do the cross face thing where you get that bone in your wrist and you press it and rub into their nose you know and on top of a guy look at that image these are his last seven opponents they kind of photoshopped the blood i think it really made it stand out but that dude that guy in the third column both of them they

look like video game avatars for someone who's dead. Top middle is sketchy to me too. Here's a different image. This one actually has him in it smiling. I feel like it's got an added effect to show you the crazy that we're dealing with here.

This actually shows Khabib's last like several opponents and tony's last yeah i mean you don't want to be any of them but i'd pick khabib's i'd pick khabib's every single time tony is gonna be is gonna elbow me right here and i'm never gonna look the same again you'll remember that fight every time you comb your hair for the rest of your life yeah yeah my eyebrow is gonna fold over fold over in front of my eyeball. I don't like how he has a mouth guard that looks like vampire teeth. That's gay.

No, no, no. That's not a mouth guard. Yes, it is. Those are his teeth. Unless he has black gums, they're not. He had his gums tattooed and his teeth filed down, Taylor. Every press conference. That would be so tight.

He drinks the blood of virgins. All right. I've seen his wife in Las Vegas. She's a real dog. We were in a sushi place and they walked in. I'll tell you this, Kyle. His wife looks Hila Klein, makes Hila Klein look like a young Cindy Crawford.

She's a fucking dog. I'll say that. I'll fight, not Khabib, I'll fight Tony Ferguson. I'll do it. I'll brave the elbows. Dude, Tony Ferguson, we challenge you to a fight on Woody's behalf now. Wait, what?

In private. That was Danny. You're a in private, told me you're a bitch. He told me you're a bitch loser. Who couldn't beat him up no matter what? Those are some harsh words you're throwing at the champ. Tell us, when would you like to throw down against Mr. Ferguson? It was Danny. It wasn't. This is a classic escape this technique.

Woody, tell me more about what this man's wife looked like. I'll tell you. His wife looked like. Wait, tell us in Woody's words. No, in your own words, Woody. Because Woody actually just emailed me privately. He's got the face of a baboon's ass on a hot summer day. And Woody additionally claimed that those are about as sharp as throw pillows.

And he fears them as much as a Sharpay. As the coronavirus. Yeah. I would say that about anyone on the planet who's like a professional fighter, a boxer, wrestler, whatever. I'd say that and feel completely safe. Except for Tony Ferguson. I wouldn't say what you just said. I'll say anything about just about anyone

because you can get away with it. Tony Ferguson, this might get back to him. Tony Ferguson, come to my house, beat me up, and I'm going to sue you for a lot of your fortune. He trains at downtown LA at a gym that I

was in doing a little jiu-jitsu recently. So I... Good thing Woody said it, not me. Actually, that wouldn't work, because if Tony Ferguson showed up in the middle of the night at my house, I would shoot him. And I don't think any amount of training... Bullets will stop. I hope they're silver. Like you think

I don't have a compartmentalized difference of bullets depending on what sort of fictional creature I think is attacking me. Idiot. Tony Ferguson can't beat me. He'll never get past the garlic. Tony Ferguson wouldn't get past all of my traps.

And my riddles. What the fuck is that? No, this is the Riddler. It's the Riddler. I'd be like, Tony, what's black and white and red all over? You, after I knock you out and tie you up in paper. My last eight opponents, come here.

Why is it white? Where'd the white come from? On the other hand, where'd the white come from, he said. where'd the white come from he said i uh a stupid ass riddle the black and white right all over a penguin with a sunburn if you did want to defeat tony ferguson i feel like riddles might get it done like he'd be he'd be fucked tony we're going to go over basic math lay out an HDMI cable

somewhere nearby. I would just be like, Tony, get those fucking disgusting ears out of my home. Y'all talking out of pocket right now. I don't like it. I don't want to be a part of this. I'm a little afraid that Tony Ferguson is going to go on some sort of nationwide manhunt taking us out one by one.

And I am... That's what you have coming to you if you come into my home, is I'm giving you a Riddler Kane bashing. Until you recover quickly and kill me. I'm a big fan, Tony. I don't drive to any of these opinions. Tony, just fight

Khabib instead of me. Tony, pay no heed to these fibbers. I'm merely saying what they wanted to and woody personally find his address on the internet it's not hard you can show up at his giant ass house and if you can dodge the mines he challenges you to a duel for years if you googled woody's gamer tags address it gave you someone else's i should stop by that house and be like i have some questions ever get packages fan mail i like they come limping out swat patch yeah the funniest thing

is if you would show up there and they'd be like well yeah we don't understand where it's coming from but we get so many friendly and thoughtful packages. And money! They just send envelopes of money. Show them what you got today, Carl. Look at that, $500. Now, I ain't much of a drug user, but I received over an ounce of marijuana hash oil from a friend called Kyle Myers. No, I didn't.

No, I didn't. No, I didn't. I don't like that joke. I received a lot of things for a feller named Taylor who lives in Missouri. But I did what I thought was best and I just burned it. Alright. Alright, well that's four hours. Danny, what do you have to pimp, my friend,

other than your sick-ass podcast? Send people to? Yeah, just my main YouTube channel, more than the podcast. That's where my best work is done. That's the first thing you should check out. Check out this blackface video we just put up. If it's still standing by Saturday when this airs.

Yeah. Check it out. Danny Mullen. PKA 480.