Painkiller Already - Painkiller Already #483

Episode Date: March 27, 2020

In this week's PKA, our good pal comedian Steve Hofstetter has returned for arguably his best appearance yet. Sadly Taylor gets a disturbing emergency call from the hospital and has to leave PKA about 30 minutes into the show, so it's sans Taylor after that. But it's still a killer episode, lots of COVID-19 talks, but Steve shares some great stories. So tune in and enjoy the show this week!

PKA episode 483 with our guest Steve Hofstetter. Kyle? Yeah, a couple sponsors tonight. Squarespace Postmates and Manscaped. We'll get to them later. But yeah, brand new episode of everyone's favorite show. So yeah, I got our buddy Steve back with us. Don't tilt your head when I say everyone's favorite show.

I thought you were going to say favorite guest, but instead you went with complimenting us. Yeah. No, I'm telling the truth tonight. All right? Wow. I thought I would get insulted first by Kyle,

but Kyle was talking about the show, and Woody's like, wait, aren't you going to say that people don't like him? No, I didn't say that. I might knock him down. I can't stop. He's going to say everyone's favorite kids. I happen to like you. Blame him. Woody's like, Kyle, you didn't fully understand the implication

of your statement to begin the show. You'd be like, Kyle, didn didn't fully understand the implication of your statement. Yeah. You'd be like, Kyle, didn't you listen to two episodes ago that he was on? They hated that one. Oh, that's good. Good to be back though, guys. I just drank like a black coffee. So now a Diet Pepsi tastes like candy. Nice.

Kyle, can I ask you? Because one of the first things i thought of when i heard that everyone had to stay inside was i was like oh i think i know someone whose life wouldn't change yeah not too much i go i haven't been in my car in like two weeks now like i i do go out to do stuff like i i like to play a little airsoft i like to go to the movies i i love doing like shopping at fancy places because I like to cook. I like to go get really gourmet stuff, but I am locked down. We've talked about it at length on the show, but so not to go too far into it.

But yeah, I'm quarantined down because I really don't want to get this thing because I really don't want to pass it on to family members who'd be more susceptible. Yeah. And and I don't want to joke about Corona at all. It's, it's not. Right. It's not a laughing matter. It's not a joking matter.

Kyle, I think I'm more locked down than you. I actually have. Like I went outside, I took the golf cart to get my trash cans and it's like, there's killer bees in the atmosphere. Like I'm like, is it safe out here?

I haven't been out here for two weeks. I've had to, I gotta get back in in a hurry. It's a, I don't know. I'm like, is it safe out here? I haven't been out here for two weeks. I've got to get back in in a hurry. It's a, I don't know. I have an older neighbor who is a bit of an asshole. And so I've just been touching everything. Oh, fingers crossed. This could be the end of him.

Rubbing my face against his door. You know, you never know, right? So doing what I can. On PKN, Kyle and I uh we disagreed i thought everyone was going to get corona and the whole purpose of the social distancing and such was just so that everyone didn't get it at the same time that that once after the first time you get it you uh you know you kind of develop a resistance to it and the next time around is not very serious yeah and uh is that wait kyle you've never gotten double aids triple what impression is everyone

else under it are you guys thinking that this just won't spread through society and it'll die because of the quarantine yeah absolutely there are tons of viruses that none of us ever had like h1n like i've never had swine flu or or or uh the avian the avian flu. I never got Rocky Mountain fever or West Nile virus. Like, they contain these things and they basically stamp them out. Oh, I've got yellow. If you could see my search results, if I could get one of those lovely...

She was on the way. This quarantine has locked my yellow fever down. That poor bitch is stuck in a fucking shipping crate in the middle of the Atlantic. They got her two in circles out there somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico right now. I hope they put those air holes in like I requested. I fact checked our conversation

and it turns out both of our ideas were like viable alternatives according to what I saw. I actually think it's somewhere in the middle. What they're doing is they're trying to space out who gets it. Because the whole thing is, and a lot of people, like, I don't know if you saw the spring break idiots in Florida, like that video of the people.

Oh, yeah. Like, yeah, I'm not canceling my trip. This is such a bummer. I'm indestructible. Every one of those kids was unattractive. Carry on. Yeah. Ugly group of spring breakers.

That's the real crime. We're not going to catch anything. We're not even going to catch herpes. No one will touch us uh they uh i think the the big the big problem with it is not the two percent of people who will die it's the 18 of people who it'll really fuck up and who need hospital beds with respirators and we only have a limited number of respirators in the country and so if everybody gets it at once well those 18 could die or they could just be fucked for life or whatever it is um but then there's also kyle is right because then there's also you know us trying

to stave it off long enough until we have treatments until we have uh yeah vaccines uh yeah that would be the medical word uh in you know until we have uh you know the ability to contract this. Until we have enough drugs, right guys? They give you autism, those vaccines. It'd be better than coronavirus at this point if you're over the age of 60. That's why I definitely bump way up against this idea

that everybody's going to get it because the mortality rates of people who are in certain age brackets, it's like, all the people over 70 are not going to get it because the mortality rates of people who are in certain age brackets, it's like, all the people over 70 are not going to die because that's just not a thing. But if you look at the mortality rates of people who are 70 and then 80 and above, it starts

getting into the, no, it starts getting to like 60% at 80. You are up shit creek if you catch this. There's a lot more people that are 80 and above. Or if you don't. Or if you don't, really a lot more people that are 80 or if you don't you might think yeah or if you don't really probably similar life expectancy whether or not you get the coronavirus if you're 87 oh i actually think the only reason that that like we are tackling it as much as possible is because this is like an old white guy killer

like this absolutely ravages old white guys and that's who's in charge and so they're just like we need to we need to handle this immediately you know who is actually resistant to it i've read people with oh blood type really yeah that's really my whole family did you read this on like a facebook meme or on like a it was a reddit meme dude the the the maga like i was on the science or crowd has been so funny we're like i can follow a bunch of the you know people from all stripes on twitter just to see their funny takes on things and like the you know i have to like see screenshots of that idiot bill mitchell's tweets because he blocked me a long time ago and uh like all of them who's bill mitchell i can't be the only one

he's one of those like you just gotta trust the plan trump's gotta he's playing 10d he's one of those guys one of the 10d chess absolute you know room temperature a lot of these yeah that's it is more d's than you want and so like you see all those guys for the longest time it was this is the flu look at how many people normally die of the flu look at this look at that and then trump makes one statement where he's like you know this is actually pretty fucked everybody should probably stay inside for like shit 15 days 30 days i don't know it's this is pretty scary, though, guys. And suddenly all those same people are like, like I've been saying, and like Grandmaster Trump agrees.

Staying indoors. And it's like, dude, you're a piece of shit. Cyclops has spoken, boys. Let's pack it up and go home. What is the test? I didn't say Grand Wizard. I said Grandmaster because he's playing Tendi Chess. I follow. I thought. I went in my head. didn't say Grand Wizard. I said Grandmaster because he's playing 10D chess. I went in my head.

I was definitely Grand Wizard. We were all confused. We'll miss the mark with that one. Not the most sophisticated crowd. In fairness, that joke was 2D. 2D joke. What is the test, I wonder right now?

The actual procedure that is done? It's not a mouth swab. I know that's what they're working on. That's what Trump was talking about, this self-administered mouth swab that they want to get out in the tens of thousands. But what is it right now? Because he kept saying it. He's like, because the current test, I can tell you, it's no fun. And I'm just like, what did they do to you when i heard them say that i really thought like someone like the idea of like you know

you hold the nuts you turn and cough type of thing i was like did they hold them a lot did they squeeze them did they hold it like or maybe it's a stool in the ass like what do they gotta go go up your ass and get some real deep stool. He made it sound like they gave him a colonoscopy to determine whether he had this or not. It's probably. You just picture a nurse being like, all right, hon, pulling out a swab, and you open your mouth. She's like, guess again.

You bend over. She's like closer now we're gonna stick this metal rod down your penis hole and if you scream you don't have it well you are safe sir we haven't had a single case all day

you're also not a witch you're a wizard yeah I don't know what it is I would guess it's. Yeah, I don't know what it is. I would guess it's blood plasma, so I don't know what he's being silly about. Maybe it's a... They didn't spinal tap that man. They probably gave him an owie. They drew blood.

He did it twice. He made it sound like it was bad. It came off to me like he's being a bit of a pussy. Have you ever had an STD test? It's a respiratory disease, so maybe they made him do light exercise. We're going to need you to step over here. No. Just let me die.

You're going to have to run on a treadmill for four minutes. And you can't be eating a hamburger while you're doing it. I made it to 74 without ever touching one of these things. I'm not starting now. It's like the CPR class episode of The Office when Kevin's on the dummy. And he's like, how long have I been going? She's like, about 30 seconds. Four more minutes to go.

He goes, call it. Call it? Call it. That's the best episode ever, by the way way i'm an office aficionado the cpr episode if anybody wants i think it's even a two-parter that scene in particular like you know you do the beats to the seat to stay alive so he does the beginning first time how does it start at the beginning it's funny that okay like it's joke joke joke, joke, joke, joke. He goes, yeah, a good way... Michael starts going, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo. Like rapid fire CPR. And they're like, huh, a good way to keep time,

Michael, because they've got a lady to train everybody, is to do it to the beat of Stayin' Alive. And he goes, huh? No, no, he does the wrong song. He's like, you can't tell by the way I move my... And then everybody starts singing for some reason because andy's a singer and then kelly jumps up and starts dancing and then the

next thing you know dwight has gone over there and cut the face off the dummy with a knife hello clarice and and and now stanley who's the whole reason they're doing is because michael gave stanley a heart attack and mich Michael doesn't want to admit his fallibility in giving Stanley a heart attack. It's a wonderful episode. A solid one. We're talking about Corona. Did you see the North Carolina

Senator Richard Burr and the controversy he's in? Does he have it? I don't know. No, there's two congressmen that just got it though. Here, I don't know. Does he fuck a boy? No, there's two congressmen that just got it, though. So here, I have an article. Oh, no. Secret recordings have come out.

Not politicians. That says that he told his wealthy donors about the impact of the coronavirus weeks ago, right? So publicly, Trump is saying it's a Democratic hoax. Richard Burr himself is saying that this is a small thing. It's no big deal. Privately, he's saying this is equivalent to the 1918 virus that killed 600,000 people. We'll be shutting down schools. He personally sold off $1.56 million worth of stocks before the crash.

Wow. He said this would be as bad as the Spanish flu. That killed millions, didn't it? He called it the 1918 pandemic. I wouldn't know if that's the same thing. Oh, nobody calls it that. It's on Wikipedia as the Spanish flu. That killed millions, didn't it? He called it the 1918 pandemic. I wouldn't know if that's the same thing. Nobody calls it that. It's on Wikipedia as the Spanish flu. Yeah, okay.

I'm surprised he wasn't like, he wasn't just like the 1918 Chinese flu, you know? Apparently the reason that it's called the Spanish flu. When I was a boy, when I was a boy, I got the flu. I had the flu. it was awful he sold off

his stocks he said different things privately to his wealthy donors than he did publicly to his constituents in america and uh he looks guilty as fuck like is this illegal or is this just like a tremendously shitty thing to do like is that like a form of insider i guess you know the article didn't mention anything illegal. So I don't know, actually. Lying's not illegal. What a piece of shit. I think it's fine. I don't think he did anything illegal.

Well, fuck that guy anyway. He did, however, buy all the toilet paper in North Carolina. I don't know. If he came out three months ago and said, well, boys, pack it up. Game over. Just overall, just prayers up to all of our senators who catch this disease. He serves on the Senate Intelligence

Committee, and he had privileged information that he shared with donors but not with people. That seems shitty. Yeah, that seems like one of those things. How can you defend that? You're a nice guy to me. That seems like one of those things that should be over- top illegal but

because it would negatively impact any sort of donor those laws don't get written like laws about you know they're not going to write laws where it's like and if you give me a million dollars you know i tell you a little tip or a trick you're going to jail it's like okay well i'm not giving you a million dollars all right well scratch that, scratch that bill. I'm not putting that up to the floor. I used to do a joke that the way laws get passed is like oppressive laws go away when it becomes inconvenient for the ruling class. Yeah. And so like back in the day, it was illegal for a woman to remarry when her husband died. And then at one point, a really hot woman's husband died.

And they were like, oh, shit, this is a dumb rule. And that's basically, that's basically how it works. Uh, but right now, like the ruling class is, uh, very, very happy to have the information before everybody else.

Yeah. And they always will, you know, more likely than not. Yeah. Well, anyway, what have you been up to Steve?

Anything new? Uh, we're actually, yeah, we're actually live streaming and comedy club now. Uh, Because comedians can't work for the next couple of months. Do they not put your name on the wall?

Steve, only comedians who perform in front of large gatherings. I think you're fine. Yeah, I'll be absolutely right. No, no, no. It's 10 or more. Don't worry, Steve. 12 people is the problem. Who of you is about to get out of here?

I had three sold out 12 people is the problem. Who of you is about to get out of here? I had three sold out 12 people shows and it was real rough. No, so we're doing a live stream comedy club at slash hang on my YouTube.

And so three comedians perform on each one. And we have we have like a webcast audience because a lot of people are live streaming stand-up and it's the saddest fucking thing you'll ever see because they're just doing it to silence and so what we did is we're like okay we're gonna have stream was pretty good by the way tell you have no fucking idea how many people message me from the show and say hey can you convince taylor to do stand-up comedy i'm like that is up to taylor that is absolutely not up to me yeah just tell him tell him he'll be good and i'm like yeah he knows he's funny um but yeah so we're doing uh we're doing a live stream of it

and then we're having uh we're having special guests uh like uh arian foster is doing it with us next week and uh sean doolittle from the nationals is gonna sit on one tomorrow uh so yeah so sometimes a celebrity guest is a comic and sometimes it's just a just a fun famous person so it's uh that's awesome it's a way for comedians to still work cool uh oh two things one where do they find that i didn't like what would be oh it's a live streamed on my youtube so just uh youtube slash youtube.com slash the hofstetter but it's called The Social Distancing Social Club. Gotcha. Because everything has social distancing in the name,

and we all thought we were really creative, and it turns out we're not. I watched John Oliver do his thing, which I don't love, but I usually enjoy. I find it to be a little biased. But he did it recently in front of a white screen with no audience laughing. Oh, my gosh.

It makes you realize how effective the audience is at persuading you that something's funny. That man needs a laugh track. That guy is tremendously unfunny. Tremendous. He's got good writers. He has fun jokes and fun sight gags. But when it comes down to, like, I don't know, his delivery sometimes is poor. And I look,

I like that. He still paused like, like, like for the laughter. It was almost like, it was almost like, I'm sure he was like, all right,

honey, let's watch the show. He plays it. Almost Australian now, by the way. And he's like, Oh shit. Where's the loft track?

I think he's like oh shit where's the laugh track i think he's pretty funny i think he delivers okay but i do realize that without the laugh track it's not the same you know he does that gag he's done a lot of times now where he you know he puts up the the the map up there and he says this is bolivia a country you know so little about that's not even bolivia this is bolivia and then you know i think he does that and it works and i laughed at it the first couple of times without the audience it falls flat well see what you just said that that's a that's a pretty funny visual gag though i like that like that's a good one like but bill hicks uh bill hicks did a release an album well they released an album after he died uh of it called the flying saucer tour and it was one of the same sets he did on one of his specials it was like as he was working up the material but it's 80 the same and he's bombing and it is fascinating to listen to because it's the same jokes that you know and and kill and you've heard get laughs and it just

sounds like they're not good jokes yeah It's really weird without an audience. When a comedian bombs, did the comedian do something differently that time? Or sometimes it's just the audience. Well, I feel like you're setting me up for a joke about how I don't know anything. This is not a setup. I'm going to ask you as a comedian expert. That was where I was coming from. I appreciate that.

So sometimes it is. Sometimes the comedian is just not connecting. I appreciate that. So I, sometimes it is sometimes like the community is just not connecting, but sometimes it's also, you just take one wrong swing up front and then suddenly the audience isn't as interested and it's quicksand. It's, you know, the more,

or, or I don't know if quicksand is a real thing, but it's, it's the movie version of quicksand where you, where, you know, you suddenly make like and you know any move you make is the wrong move and you struggle more and because of that it gets worse and worse i think it can be a thing where like sinking like i've been to a couple clubs in atlanta and if the if the guy that came if the guy that preceded

you for example whoever really killed and really got us like all fired up and we're already in that like post laugh euphoria it's almost like post coital euphoria you're like oh man i'm feeling good about everything right now i and you've had a couple of drinks by this point too the next guy's gonna kill i feel like like if somebody comes up and just absolutely bombs and we had that there was a i don't know what it was um who is the comedian who has muscular dystrophy or cerebral palsy or something like like josh green or something like i don't know blue yeah it was his night and it must have been the special olympics of comedy because they had a little person go up before him and that guy did very poorly and then

seemingly, I don't know if it was a I don't know if it was a bit or if this actually happened but somebody just ran up and grabbed the mic when nobody was attending it and started doing like three minutes of comedy and then was hauled away. Why was no one attending it? Like that's the weirdest

Exactly, that's why I'm like was that a bit? Was that a comedian who thought it'd be funny to be like, all right, guys. And just because the yeah, because the rule, the basic rule is like, don't leave the stage empty. Like any professional comedian knows because like you'll see you'll see like a handoff. Yeah, you'll see like an early host who sometimes they'll call someone up and they'll start walking off stage. And it's like, no, do not take your your last foot off that stage until someone else is on it, leaving the stage empty. Cause it does create like a little bit of weirdness,

a little bit of a lag, but Kyle, what you were saying, basically there are two problems. Either someone can eat shit beforehand and then it's hard to dig your way out of that. Or someone can kill too hard and then it's hard to dig your way out of that.

And so a good host will kind of reset the table, whether they do a great joke or whether they just talk to the crowd for a second they have to take the taste of the last comic out of their mouth i'll say this about that night of comedy i'm sorry to interrupt you the host was the funniest guy there the host was the funniest guy there like like we would be like what's this guy doing five minutes and you get to six minutes you're like oh he's doing 10 shit the host we got to wait five more minutes for the host boys because the host would come out and it was like i'm sure he's doing the same bit every night of course most comedians are but i doubt he's trying out new material and it's just killing he's just he's got if the guy before him bombed he's just like oh all right then uh that was you know he makes fun of that guy a

little bit lightheartedly at least. He'll pick at the crowd a little bit, talk about the drink prices or something. I don't know. He was just funny. He was so light with his... He had no fear. You could see that for sure. You could sense that. You could sense that if they go up there

and they're nervous or they're scared. There's something about us. We're predators. We see that and we smell it. You can smell that fear, just like a dog or whatever. You're just like, oh, I could pick on this guy. He's not alphaing his way up there to that microphone. You can just tell that, like, I'm going to cross my arms and really make it bad for him.

I like that Kyle went to Predator Night at the local comedy club. Yeah, yeah. Get in for $5 five dollars yeah all felons all night no drinks boys tested tomorrow let's come on come on up here they're not testing you right now um i mean i've interrupted you the first second time i apologize no no go go ahead so the piss testing the piss testing must have been curtailed to only the most dangerous of my fellow felons who are on probation. Because they do this thing, I've explained it before, but I call a number and then a lady reads out a string of numbers. She's like, the following people will report to their designated locations tomorrow and bring a picture ID for urine analysis. The numbers are, and then she reads out this big, and she starts at like one and the random numbers. You never know if it's going to be your number, but she goes to a thousand. So it's like a six minute recording. And yeah,

you know, she might go one 52, 78, 113, or sometimes it's like 102, 104, 107, 108. And you're just like, I'm 244. And I like to think that my low number is representative of my low risk. They start at 900 now. And the 900 people, those are the motherfuckers that get tested on Saturdays, Sundays, holidays, every time. It seems like if your number is 900 to 1,000, there could be an asteroid bearing down on us. And they'd be like, 937, today's your day. Let's make sure you haven't been easing the pain.

Did you guys already talk about the what-if timing-wise of like, Kyle, if this happened while you were in prison, what the hell – what your life would be like we've discussed that prison would be a bad place to be right now with this it would be scary yeah i think that they've locked the prisons down to some extent they're not allowing visitations um but yeah it would have been extra scary if i were in prison because once it gets in there you know there's sometimes there were three of us in a cell in a weren't really cells, but they were like cubes is what we called them. They're open air, no door, no roof. But we're all close proximity. 200 men using the same shower facility, bathroom facility, everything.

Two microwaves between 200 people. Everybody's just opening that shit. Washing your hands was important in prison, though. I didn't wash my hands once after I pissed and I got scolded. The guards go home every night. So when it does get introduced to a prison, it'll run through like wildfire. I suspect. Did you ever see The Stand?

Yes. I read The Stand when I was in prison. I just think while you were in prison, because I just think of that scene where I forget the guy's name, but the one guy who is in prison during the super virus and survives, but then he's still stuck there. That's just what I picture. The stand was interesting. That virus kills super fast and is super virulent at the same time. So that opening scene where you've got a family of three or something coasting into the gas station pumps and they're all like,

what's going on in there? And they're all blood coming out of their eyes and they've shit themselves. At least we're not dealing with something like that. Yeah, yet. That's called Corona Extra. Yeah. The new sponsor of the podcast young people get corona light yeah

i bet you what do you think sponsor right now cheap as fuck what do you think uh like what do you think will go away because when we come out of this and look we're going to come out of this but when we come out of this society will be changed in a profound way nobody ever predicted anything that would make us stay indoors for a couple weeks let alone the possibility of a couple of months when we come out of this do you think that there's some stuff that people were like fighting for that they thought mattered that they're not like like the idea of like those idiots who identify as animals do you know what i'm talking about yeah people were just like i feel yeah i really want you guys to call me a snake i just feel like i'm a snake like will that person just come out of their house and be like hey i'm sorry guys i'm just happy to be alive like it's

cool we're outdoors now no they'll just be more express like they'll be i think they'll take it the other way life is short boys let's get our clopping shoes on and let's clip clop around town on all fours with a horse head jiggling around no you get in the back we're we're yeah no i think i think they'll do that. I think what will change, because you said nobody predicted this, nobody reputable predicted this. There's a whole group of crazies who have been predicting this for a long time. I did a video once, one of those prepper TV shows. Doomsday Preppers paid me to do a

video for them. And yeah, very popular show that spawned a couple of several copycats. And it's a real thing. And I've met some of these people who are extreme preppers, like millions of dollars spent on prepping to the point where it's like, you'll be the Negan of your state, like like people who have giant air filter filtration systems for like huge underground facilities, people who have like anti-aircraft guns and tanks of their own and have stockpiled ammunition for those things, weapon caches and just silly stuff like national guard level preparation.

And then there's plenty of people who just have like a bunker in their backyard with an air hole and enough food for a year. All right. I got so much. Steve, I think work from home policies will change for good. That's my prediction. I think that lots of people will get a taste for working from home in offices where they didn't do that before

and will become a viable way to do their jobs. That I think will happen. Do you think that meetings will finally fucking be emails? Like all the time? They'll just be tele-meet meetings that they could have been an email yeah it'll be a conference call yeah conference calls i think conferences will turn into shows i think that uh you maybe more often instead of 1500 people 40 000 people going to e3 it'll just turn into a well-produced display show

i disagree with that. I think the capability for the infrastructure that will support those things might be more in place and more readily available in case there is another thing like this. But once this is over, it's going to be the opposite. Everybody's going to want to be out. It's not like

everybody is following the advice anyway, but I think people are going to want to express that freedom, and they're going to want to crowd those convention centers um i think actually yeah like i'm expecting like as soon as i put tickets on sale for the shows afterward i'm gonna sell like 14 15 a show like it's just really gonna be crazy i've got faith the last thing you sons of bitches negan of the state I don't think that Negan becomes neat. Oh, people don't know Negan is a character in the walking dead who created a

following of violent people who, who for some period of time, I will be living. I just assumed that it was just a new racial slur that Kyle had found. So I think though that the guy that becomes this warlord in the apocalyptic state has more to do with leadership abilities than his arsenal that i mean really more than one gun is almost wasted on you so so so basically like whoever hoards it becomes like the supply the lackey yeah the lackey for the person who

i don't think a guy with 97 guns is more deadly than a charismatic guy with one. I disagree with that very strongly. I think you just look at some places like Somalia and you see that I don't expect one man to carry 97 guns like one of those Indian goddesses or something with all the arms. I expect him to have 97 soldiers. I expect him

to have 97 guys who are with him. And a lot of these guys I'm talking about already have the infrastructure in place for that, whether it's militia ties or whether it's large companies, their own that deal with fire manufacturing and within those safe spaces of conservative, conservative, conservative ism. They're all very like minded already. Like the guy, the guys that I'm talking about, it's like, all right, boys had to, you know, head up the mountain.

And they're ready to go. They probably have various wives and kids that'll work for them. What happens if Kyle supplies 97 soldiers? Apologize. And then I say, you know what, though? I've got the gun now. I kind of feel like I should follow Steve. Well, we'll kill you. Oh, so if I guess if I was the only one one but i think that it takes somebody with leadership to

keep everyone in line first of all thank you so much woody and i really appreciate your vouching for my leadership skills but i uh yeah i'll just have to convince i'll just have to convince kyle's buddies to follow me you know kyle's friends the people who would like me probably yes the ones who like jewish comedians who are on the left i think that's really we all love seinfeld all right he swung so many of us to your side seinfeld was big for for the jewish people he was our sleeper agent he's the modern day moses all right that man has done more for for the jewish person in amer in America than anybody. Forget Oscar Schindler, all right?

All right, what do you save, 100, 200? Seinfeld has saved so many of you from hate crimes. I grew up in a place where there were no Jewish people at all. So I had no... The South? Yeah, yeah. And so I had no context. Oh, I just meant the entire South. Plenty of Jewish people in Atlanta,

but certainly where I'm from, not very many at all, none, zero. And so the only impression that I had of Jewish people came from a Seinfeld and be that sticker on that, that magnet on my grandmother's refrigerator that said, My God is a Jewish carpenter. And I was like, Okay, all right. i was like okay all right they seem like good people they seem like good people what skills do you have that would like i was talking so uh my buddy uh chris bowers who's uh who's one of the co-hosts of the live stream um he has like a fuck ton of friends in indiana and like one of them has a big old house and they've all you know joked around for years like oh if the apocalypse comes we're going to indiana and we're gonna live out of there and i was like hey bring me and he was like well what can you do and i was like i could i could build shit like i i think that's the one skill i have wait are you literally a jewish carpenter i am literally a jewish carpenter okay um i mean i'm not i'm not pro style but like you know like the wall behind me i made like that i can make stuff like that.

The desk I'm sitting at, things like that. That's one big piece, isn't it? You're talking about screwing those signs up. You bought that from Home Depot and just tipped it up against an existing wall, didn't you? I don't mean I made the sign, and that's the thing that YouTube gave me back there. I mean the freaking wood. Yeah, we're saying that's all one piece. That's land. Oh, yeah, we're saying that's all one piece. That's a big, that's land.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was one piece. But what I'm saying is that I did hire a guy from Home Depot. That is a valuable skill. The Jewish way. It's wood textured wallpaper, but you know. So what are you asking? Like what skills that we have that would be valuable?

What skill? Like I think that's the only one I have. Like what skill do you have? I mean, look, you know artillery like that is an important I grew up I grew up operating a lot of different kinds of heavy machinery um and my dad is kind of uh my my dad doesn't like to pay people to do things and I would say that I am an expert of nothing but I am um so jack of all trades master of none none? Yes, absolutely. So I can do basic electrical work and basic carpentry and plumbing. And I've done additions on to homes and a little of everything.

Just lots of stuff like that. If there was anything to be done that didn't really require a service man to come out, then we did it ourselves all the time. I don't know. I've chopped trees down and split wood and lots of tractor operation and small engine repair and large engine repair. If it's internal combustion, they're all internal combustion, if it's carbureted and not fuel injected, there's no computer in that vehicle, then I'm pretty confident there.

There will be a space for you in Indiana, Kyle. You will be welcome into our compound. You are his fifth choice. I think the thing that would make me most valuable is I know where the stuff is. I know where the cool stuff is and where the people are who have it. And they know me and they won't shoot me on site, hopefully. who have it and they know me and they won't shoot me on site hopefully um yeah but i you know i just know a lot of people in georgia and in a lot of states though i wouldn't i don't know if travel would be a good idea during an apocalyptic actual post-apocalyptic scenario that we're describing

here but i know a lot of people that have a lot of scary stuff and are like actually prepared for this sort of thing like like i've got my cupboard full. I've got lots of beans and rice. We're killing my cow, by the way. She's getting turned into steaks. That's happening. It's time. Like right now? Yeah.

She's drip drying in the other room. No. She's getting slaughtered soon. This week, next week, soon. We did. Well, I had no idea I'd gotten you something. Yeah, dad and I were discussing it, and I was like, you know,

I've only got like eight, nine pounds of meat here, like frozen. Maybe we should slaughter that cow. Let's get a bunch of steaks and hamburger. And he sent me a link from some website called the Beef Boys. And I was like, oh, no, Dad, what have you sent me? But it was actually some – or maybe it was like meaty man or something.

It was something like that. That could be like a double meaning. But it was some guys who were like showing the breakdown of a steer and how many steaks, how many pounds of hamburger, how much this, that, and how much, how many steaks, how much, how many pounds of hamburger, how much this, that, and the other that you get from one. And I was like, oh yeah, tell you what, dad, you, you kill the cow and slaughter it. And, uh, and let's just split it. Let's just split this thing. I don't need all of that. And, uh, and I'll, I'll go, I'll go to home Depot, get a deep freeze, fill that bitch up hamburger meat. Did you see Rhonda

Rousey's uh video where she was showing how prepared she was no no let's i'll pull it up it's it's worth a watch it's like a minute and 30 seconds she's getting flamed what are your uh what are your skills mine i comparable to kyle's i can do small and large engine repair uh i've done some woodworking i don't know if i could build an addition by myself, but I volunteered at Habitat for Humanity a bunch of times to learn those skills, so I've got some. I also can operate machinery and tractors

and forklifts and skid steers and shit like that. And you can literally fly. Yeah, I think that... Like that. I mean, if you have a transportation problem solved by going 25 miles an hour on clear days, then I'm your guy. Ho there! Who leads this province?

The Nightwing. And they just point up in the air and you... Boing! Boing! Boisy, easy shot. I am the Nightwing now. Shit, we never thought about shooting him. Get me with a slingshot and break the prop are you guys

ready yeah let me let me like get it so that it's like comfortable on my screen yeah i see yeah i don't think he can instagram needs a forward backwards pause anyway ready set play so everybody's doing a bunch of coronavirus panic buys at the grocery store. And I was asking Trav, like, what do we need? You know, what do we need to stock up on? And he's like, do we need meat? No. Don't think we need any meat. Do we need veggies?

Oh, no. No, we don't need any veggies. What about fruit? Are we good on fruit? Bitch got an orchard. No, I think we're good on fruit. Hmm. Do we need water?

Goddamn. I don't think we need any water. What about eggs? Nah. I don't think we need any eggs. Are you sure we have enough meat? Yeah. Better have electricity.

We got enough meat. Oh, wait, wait. Mine's cut off. Mine cut off. A bunch of... Yeah, mine ended after the meat thing. So at the end of the thing, you want to click the arrow that goes to the right, and it goes again. It's the second part of the video.

The first time I watched more. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, she ain't done yet. All right, let's watch it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ready? Steve, you ready?

Yeah. Ready, set, play. What about power? Are we going to be able to store all this meat if the power goes out? Tesla generators? No, we're good on power. Solar, I guess. All joking aside, me and Trav love to preach a message of sustainability here at Browsy Acres.

Not just because of it being good for the environment, good for our health, and good for our finances. She got some shit for saying that. You know, of course, whenever you show anything like that, people are like, give it all to us! No, I don't... Well, there's...

I don't think that's why she's getting shit for it. I think she's getting shit for it a couple reasons. A, the condescendingness of like... And like, look, paupers, we're so prepared in a way that no one who doesn't have a fucking fortune could be prepared like the the tesla generators fuck you like that kind of thing that's a little above most people's reach when uh everything else you could do i really want to go

when she said that it was good for her finances, I'm like, show me the spreadsheet. Show me how you're saving money by buying your own farm and raising your own eggs. I'll tell you, the fish I've caught are the most expensive fish I've ever eaten, by far. Some of them, hundreds of dollars a pound. I haven't saved much money by doing the sorts of things that she does it's a hobby but that's probably a non-profit ranch she's got there they probably bring some special needs kids out a couple times a year ride those uh ride those ponies around she's not paying taxes on any of that but all but that's my point like the the idea that like she has a fucking orchard she has and look i don't begrudge her any of this i'm just saying that like if she

says she earned it by getting hit in the face she earned it but like the or tackled or whatever it is but my my point is that like she is presenting in a way of like everybody should do this and that's such an out of touch thing to say when like there there are people like there are people who can barely afford the fruit on one of those trees let alone the whole fucking orchard well okay if we're talking about the absolute poppers of the world who can't afford an orange then fair enough but there's more than one orange on a tree kyle just i said i guess more than one you know how much i don't know how much orange costs who eats oranges anyway who's like buying orange it's like it's like that arrested developments uh scene where they didn't

know how much a banana cost yeah yeah i would guess 70 cents i don't i don't i literally don't know how much a banana costs i don't do my own shopping i'm allergic to them for one thing but but you could you could get most of that done for what less than land in cheap areas is three four thousand dollars an acre yeah but not the meat is no problem at all that's hunting they killed that that's deer meat that's elk meat but most people can't live in a part of the country that has that much space and still work the job and still work a job like there's yeah yeah now now that we'll teleconference but like just the idea that like she has that stuff because she has a ton of money sure like like not just because she not just because it's her hobby

she has the money she didn't have any of those things four years ago and in her retirement that became a passion of hers that's what i'm getting from this that she's like you know what i think homesteading is fun let's do And this is what homesteading looks like with a nearly limitless supply of money. Yeah, she's still making crazy money with the WWE. But I don't think she has to work quite as hard as she did when she was a competitive athlete. Of course not.

She doesn't have to work at all. If she had put that out there and had just been like, hey, I'm a prepper. I've been prepping for years. This is what we have here. I think that would have been a lot different. They'd be like, hmm, do we have enough meat, honey? I don't know.

We should check our meat farm. It was condescending as fuck. But she's never been a likable person. No. Her thing has always been that... Go back to her Howard Stern interview. She's always been a real cunt she's always been a cunt undoubtedly but people liked her and didn't know she was a cunt like

all they knew was she was a winner and they liked her and then once she found out they were i'm sorry once they found out she was a cunt things changed everyone started rooting against her but that's fine as long as you keep winning i I mean, there are plenty of guys out there. It's like, oh, yeah. Colby Covington does not want you to like him. I can't remember who it was, but it was one of these guys who plays the bad guy in press conferences

and his opponent goes, nobody likes you. And he's like, yeah, that's the point, dumbass. Did Chael Sonnen say that? I don't recall who it was. I doubt it was Chael. But Chael Sonnen say that? I don't recall who it was. I doubt it was Chael. But Chael's always preaching, you know, that, hey, look, you're coming out wrong on this. He's the good guy.

There's only space for one other kind of guy here. You got to be the other guy's foil. When he sells these things, it's interesting. I feel like he's an expert in selling fights. And he says half of the fighters need to be good guys, half of the fighters need to be bad guys, but 90% want to be good guys. So there are some job opportunities here

if you're willing to be an asshole. Yeah. Well, that's got to be tough. I always wonder, is there one of these guys who plays a heel who just wants to be liked? And on one hand hand he's like well you know i'm making a couple mil on this and this is working well but then he just goes home and cries yeah under the giant was like that nobody likes me was it in professional wrestling yeah

he often got got uh put in the position of being the bad guy or the monster and it would really it would really hurt him that you know he'd get the he wasn't one of those guys who fed off of the booze like like hulk hogan loved that he didn't carry it away he just wanted you loud yeah yeah I don't know um Chael talked shit and bad got his way into some of the most prestigious fights and prestigious positions uh in his sport and I mean he got into so many fights that he shouldn't have been in like there was no reason for him to be fighting john jones that night i'll tell you how he got that fight like okay so he's answered this question before and i love his answer they say

you talked your way into that fight your mouth got you this fight not your fighting skills and he said yeah my mouth got me this fight you know what it said yes because here's what happened he was fighting uh i think it was dan henderson and um uh dan henderson had to pull out with like two weeks notice jail son and raises his hand says i'll fight him maybe it was less like three days notice he's like i will drive over there tonight i can make weight before morning and i will fight john jones and save this show john jones pulled out john jones said no i'm not fighting jail on three days notice until they did fight jail was the champion once they fought that got reversed but jail walked around saying he forfeited this guy's scared of me he doesn't want any part of the guy

with the biggest arms and the guy with the greatest charms right chael sundin went and he just went crazy with it chael sundin got that fight because he was willing to save a show and uh a lot of people that um i call him lolita lolita machada which, which is close. He turned down that fight. They gave him an opportunity. He's like, no, no, no, no, no. If I get a title shot, I want a full eight-week camp. I want to be the best me. That whole thing with Anderson Silva,

he would talk about the people of Brazil in terrible ways. And Conor McGregor was good at that too. When he said that shit to Jose Aldo, he said, if this was a different time, I'd rode into your favela on horseback and I'd kill anything that wasn't fit to work but it's a new time so I'm just gonna come down to Rio and whoop your ass it's just like oh my god there's some colonialism mixed in here he's he's he's taking it back to like the 1700s or something I love the idea that he was like if if it was a different time, I could do something horribly racist and ignorant. But it's not.

So I'm just going to talk about how I want to. Yeah, exactly. He said he was saying the most offensive things he could come up with. You know, like he wanted to upset this man. And it worked. It absolutely did. And then they did it to Khabib. And Khabib beat the fuck out of him.

It was beautiful. It's such a weird thing. Khabib beat the hell out of him and he said, talk now! Talk now! Keep talking! What do you have to say? And Conor in the fight was like, it's just jokes. Back off. He got fucking

cucked in that fight. It was glorious. That's exactly how it went down. As an MMA fan, I'm just surprised that you feel this way about Conor McGregor, who's responsible for the current success of the sport and the reason you get so many cars. I liked the sport before Conor was in the UFC. The sport wasn't that good. I don't know very much about UFC,

but did I ever tell you guys a story about when I was accidentally in Vegas in the same hotel as a Conor McGregor fight? And like I, yeah. And he, he won. And all these people were like singing Irish songs, drunk at me thinking I was Irish also.

And I am very much not. And then they would like be mad at me that i wasn't singing along and i like didn't know what to do and i was like we have to get the fuck out of this hotel immediately i'm gonna get my ass kicked i need to learn gaelic very quickly or we please someone give me something green give me something green yeah i i think that khabib doesn't understand selling a fight, and he doesn't sell fights well. And Conor McGregor is the best that there's ever been at selling fights. So at that point, it was like, don't you understand?

Maybe the best... Khabib doesn't value money. That's the difference. Khabib doesn't prioritize... Yeah, that's the guy I want working for me. Well, I hear you. But to me, it has its own kind of charm. It makes me want to pay him anyway.

But yeah, Khabib, he's going to retire before he's run out of opponents. He's going to pay him anyway uh but yeah khabib he's gonna retire before he's run out of opponents he's gonna retire when he could have made more money he's not he if he was interested in money he'd be looking for a conor rematch instead he says he just like loaded or no he's muslim he lives with his dad i guess in dagestani culture the youngest child lives with their father and in spite of the fact that this guy is rich and famous and one of the toughest fighters to have ever lived, he still fears his father and lives under his roof because that's where he's from. Yeah.

I'm pretty sure he's got terrorist ties as well. He's a scary guy. Jesus. That's not true, though. I heard it was. Conor McGregor did say it, so I heard it too. He also mentioned the thread count on khabib's wife which was one of the best lines ever because she where you know she wears the full get up the best

line was try talking now while he was punching him in the face and holding him down and it was delivered by khabib i disagree that is pretty that is pretty that one was not very witty and and it's the delivery i don't know that's like an action hero line yeah that's like uh so we're all making more money because i talk shit why are you so angry i i did like cowboy said that and a couple other people said that there were like reporters who were like you know i'll make double what i normally make in this uh mcgregor versus cowboy fight and uh so thanks connor i appreciate that and he really... It seemed to warm his heart. He's like, I like that someone recognizes

that we're all getting paid because of the work I put in. All the ships rise with the Connor Tide. It's just a fact of life. It is true. He's just like, my fictional racism has fed your children. Oh, his racism is real. I believe

that part. I'm just not so sure if he has... I heard something about some is racism real? I believe that part. Okay, fair. I'm just not so sure if he has. I heard something about some terrorist warlord or something like that over in the daggies that he had some sort of ties with or some money getting funneled to him. They were probably freedom fighters, Kyle. Ah, freedom fighters, like the brave Mujahideen. Yes, yes.

I always reference this, but maybe Steve doesn't know. Are you familiar with the Rambo series of movies? Well, in Rambo 3, he goes to Afghanistan, and he fights with the Afghanistanis, as I call them, against the Russians. That was the premise of the third film. And at the end of the film, at least on the old VHSs, there's a scroll, and it reads,

thank you to the gallant men of the Mujahideen. Oh, my God. Then it literally like you get a DVD of that shit now and the brave people of Afghanistan or something like that. I don't know what it says now, but it doesn't mention the gallant Mujahideen. Thank you to the gallant men of the Mujahideen. We worked with a young up-and-coming leader named osama he's really tall guy got some interesting ideas and he really advised the movie pretty well lanky but yeah yeah wiry wiry just wrap you up he's john jones type build yeah yeah i wonder what he looked like under that get up. I wonder what he actually looked like in his prime.

Osama. I never thought about it, but now I do too. I wonder what... I assumed it was just four kids in a trench coat. Like I didn't... He lived a rugged life. I bet he was wiry and strong. Did he?

Yeah, he lived in those fucking caves. Yeah, I don't know. Like I don't think he was the guy moving rocks though making pillows out of rocks or whatever the fuck you do wildly wealthy but but lived as a wasn't he saudi like royalty or something not i don't they're all royalty over there you know that's like yeah did he come from saudi money I believe so. He did. Yeah. So that, that counters the ruggedness of what his individual experience might've been. You never know because of their culture,

right? Like you could say that about Khabib at this point, right? I bet, I bet Khabib's son isn't going to live some kind of privileged life. It's, it's going to be rough. I would hate to be his son. Like,

come on dad. Why, why do I have to write a gulp to school? And I would hate to be his son. I'm like, come on, Dad. Why do I have to write a gulp to school? I just want to watch YouTube on my iPad. That's not the life that kid's getting. Warren Buffett does the same thing with his kids. Very similar. I wonder what the truth is with that. So Warren Buffett, if people don't know Warren Buffett,

he's one of the wealthiest people in the world. You probably know him. And he said that he is not going to let his kids inherit his billions what are his kids gonna inherit right but what's buffett worth is it a 100 billion i don't even know let's pretend it's that he has some that's too much probably but whatever buffett buffett like laughs at bloomberg like that's i think you're right like that's the kind of money i think he passed bill Gates for, period, not currently. $73 billion? Yeah.

$73 billion, right? I don't know. Yeah. $40 billion, $73 billion are both amounts of money that I don't know what to do with. So you can still make your kids incredibly rich, right? If you just gave each of them $100 million, you know, to keep them grounded, is he doing that? Or are they literally just getting like the shitty car he drives did you ever see the movie Brewster's Millions yes so for anyone who hasn't seen it the basic premise of it is that this guy if he can spend I think it's like three million dollars or

something over the course of a month without having anything to show for it he gets to inherit like 30 million and that movie now but with the same amounts what would be like all they would have to do what multiply it all by 10 ish maybe no no but but i mean even even what if it was like the same amounts like all they would have to do is just get a shitty data plan on a cell phone and just leave it on for the whole month. And then boom. At the end of it, he spent $3 million. Yeah, they're good. He ran for political office.

If you didn't see the movie, his big ace in the hole to spend it all and get nothing was to run a bad political campaign. I can't believe there weren't more jokes about that during Bloomberg's run. It's definitely something i thought of the idea of the and then none of the above was like it was his slogan yeah um yeah but that was that was amazing that per vote that i think was that the most ever spent oh so it's okay 7.2 million what would you what would you spend it on to i mean because now like you could just rent a private jet fly around the world once and be done with it right like what three million it would be easy to spend now i feel like i yeah but even seven even what he said seven million fucking

make it 10 million like i feel like there's more stuff now and there's more perishable stuff there's more experience type stuff because like that's the type of thing where like i think one of the things he did was he threw a big lavish party and had like celebrities come i mean you'd spend you'd spend half of that on like the cast of jersey shore like the the amount that the amount that influencers charge for personal appearance now like that would be really easy to blow through that money you could easily spend 10 million dollars to get miley cyrus to perform at my shitty Christmas party and boom, it's gone.

I bet it's cheaper than that. I bet you get Miley for a million dollars. I bet you're right, but you could spend $10. I think part of it was that you couldn't overspend. You couldn't just give it away. She might suck your dick for $10. I guess there are other boxes you could check.

I'm turning the corner on Miley Cyrus being hot. I used to think she was pretty, but not like Hollywood hot. How old is she now? I would say 23, 25. Oh, she's younger than I thought then. I get more impressed by hot, older people, right? Like, okay, let's say there's a four-year gap here there are a lot of hot 18 year old girls and a lot of hot 22 year old guys right that is a stage in your life when a lot of people are hot cool bump that up one thing 27 i want to hear i want to hear the rest of it but

before we do i just want to make sure that someone out there has clipped up Woody saying that there are a lot of hot 22-year-old guys. Sorry, continue. All right. So, pump 10 years onto those numbers, right? Make it a 28-year-old girl and a 32-year-old guy. Or maybe make it 15 years, which becomes incalculable. If you're still hot at those ages, now I'm impressed, right? Be a hot 33-year-old girl.

You have accomplished something. Now you're at a stage where this is rare. So, Woody, obviously, you're not swiping. You're married. Kyle, what's your age range when you're on dating apps? 18 and 19. He's open. It's like, well, it's 18 on one side.

We run the gamut, all there's no reason where's it cut off it doesn't cut off you're you you you throw in 60 plus yeah let's go let's see what you got sondra bullock i mean she's in oh i mean you better you better hurry because there aren't going to be a lot of them left. The mean boy. I'll break that hip into. No, but there is something for like because originally when I when I started like on the dating apps, I think I was like 36. And so I was swiping up to 40. And then I realized that like if you if you up that a little bit like, yeah, there aren't as many attractive people. Every year you add on, it seems to be a smaller percentage. But those that are still attractive at that age, holy fuck. Yeah. I hooked up with like a 45-year-old when I was like 25.

Super hot. Yeah. I was very happy with my experience. Crazy fake titties. It was great. Good times. Tampa. Sounds like a good time. Tampa.

Woo! Love Tampa. Tampa, if you're still out there, ring, ring. But 45, but you're saying you'd go, what's the oldest woman you've ever hooked up with? I think that was it. I think 45. Yeah. Okay, fair enough.

Yeah. I got you there. I routinely hook up with a 47-year-old. Yeah. All right, then. Twice a year. Birthday, New Year's. Birthday and christmas you've had your fill yeah i i don't i i don't see any issue with uh going as low as whatever the law allows you know that's do you change that per state like if you're if you're traveling to

south carolina do you no because i feel like well here it's different i feel like in the whole like texting back and forth process if there's if they're under 18 you're gonna end up committing some sort of crime accidentally it's complicated yeah it gets complicated about what we can even say to each other i feel like like like can i even talk about sex with a 17 year old i don't want to find out like like like there's but there about sex with a 17 year old I don't want to find out like like there's but there's also it's like when we see wings of redemption playing video games with these underage girls and it's like why are you even put yourself in that position where there's dirty talk between you and a 16 year old or a 17 year old like one thing I very much appreciate

is that there is like a trend among high school people on instagram to put their graduation year and i very much appreciate that like the idea that things in perspective huh no just the idea of like oh this you know because you see a small picture you're like is this person attractive and you open it up and you're like nope nope so move on move on absolutely move on like i think it's i think it's nice that no one's pretending to be older ah i follow i didn't follow it first yeah yeah you thought no i'm saying it's nice that people are like ideeing themselves right so they're like no one gets into gets into problems right because when you said is she attractive i think my head went the wrong way

you're saying if she's 16 you might have mistakenly thought she was hot but now that you see her graduation year you know that she's not hot right there are people who look older there are people who look older in in real life than they are there are people who look younger in real life than they are but it's also it's also a stage of life thing like i was at a um i was performing at this post-prom show when I was 23 and some only five years older than these kids. And one of the girls starts talking to me and she's like, she does this whole thing about being like,

Oh, these guys in high school, they're so immature, but we're way more mature. You know, we're 18, we're way more mature. And I'm like,

I don't want, even though I was, I was desperate for attention at that point in my life, but I don't ever want anyone to have the story of like, I don't want even though I was I was desperate for attention at that point in my life. But I don't ever want anyone to have the story of like, oh, Steve Hofstadter performed at my post prom and I hooked up with him at my post prom. Even though that person now is 35 years old. Like it's still I did not. I did not want that to be out there in the world. Yeah, I don't care.

I'll fuck you at your prom. I'll fuck you at the fucking uh what do they call it uh when they have the the homecoming dance i don't whatever you're like i'll fuck you at your junior prom provided you got left back it's better if you did i mean i know you're dumb enough to do this i'll pick you up from your psats just as long as it's the fourth time you've taken them. Yeah, absolutely. Let me do an advertisement here. Boys, it looks like Taylor's not going to make it back. We talked about on PKN

that he had a family emergency type situation going on. We're not going to go into it too much, but that's presented itself some more. He has an emergency and he has to go take care of that. We'll hang up on him and hopefully get a new background during the show. During the show.

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That's how you do it. And get on the show. That's a lot of value. I know Chiz was very ill earlier. I believe he was vomiting uh quite a bit so is it maybe possible just to like put a a black thing over taylor's screen and mute him i see you've already muted him uh okay i'm working on that yeah no worries no worries um we don't want to hang up on him because it'll really throw all of our cameras out of whack

and it'll look funny. Like I said, Chiz is pretty sick right now himself. He's been vomiting all day. Not feeling very well. And he usually cooks us up a background or whatever. Whatever. Yeah, coughing a lot. I think he has a fever.

Any other symptoms of something that might be coming around? Are you saying he has sniffles? Yeah. I said he that might be coming around? Yeah. It's a real problem. He still went to that Lego convention though. Yeah. That'd be the worst place to go. Just you and a hundred kids. Everybody's touching the blocks.

I won't go in. I lick it oh okay yeah that's that you're right you're right please oh sorry go ahead i won't make it three for three okay i'm uh i was just curious woody did you you're north carolina yes um what are your quarantine laws out there now? Like, are things shut down? So, the schools have shut down. Trying to figure out this black box. The schools have shut down, and this is capabilities. There's some gatherings.

One of the counties shut down, which is pretty interesting like it changed uh the way that they handled it people can't go in and out of that county i don't know i've been going above and beyond by not doing anything yeah i i started uh i started kind of you know self-quarantining with the exception of you know grocery store runs till i had enough stuff um you know probably five six days ago but what was crazy was there were a couple comedy clubs still open and there were comedians still performing like there's a set i shared a set from mike baldwin where he was uh he was still on the

road um at uh i think it was at goonies in uh in uh rochester minnesota and uh he opened up his set by just going hey what's up's up, you brave idiots? Because, like, he's still making a living, but why are you guys here? Like, why did anyone pay to come here? Yeah. I wouldn't want to... I guess it's tough in that position.

I'm in Atlanta... North Carolina, I was looking at a map that shows confirmed cases per million residents. I think that's pretty telling. North Carolina is doing quite well. So is Missouri. Georgia is probably the fifth worst in the country. I think I saw the same map.

Yeah. Yeah. And so I know the governor of Georgia has declared a state of emergency, but we haven't closed the schools. governor of Georgia has declared a state of emergency, but we haven't closed the schools. A lot of restaurants are sort of, I think they're closing down mostly because of the lack of business. I know people in the service industry out here and they can't get shifts right now, or maybe two a week, which is nothing if you're a waitress or a bartender. It's definitely a big effect. Not everybody's a dummy. I spoke to my dad, though, and he's talking to me as he drives into town to get some gasoline. We're talking about the virus. He's like,

these people don't seem to mind. The Waffle House parking lot is full. Subway. Six cars at Subway. I'm like, these are the worst kinds of places. Everybody's in a line. You've always been pretty likely to get a virus at Waffle House. Yeah. That's how I build my immune system. Yeah, my immune system is scattered, smothered, and covered. That's how I keep my hand-to-hand fighting skills on point.

You go in there, you're going to get in a tussle. Waffle House is a danger zone. It's a weird mixture of the lowest rungs of society, but god damn if those waffles aren't good. I love a good hash brown too. The weird thing that I saw when I went to

the grocery store was that all the cans were gone, but all the can openers were still there. And I was like, I think some of these people don't have a good can opener. Like there's somebody who's prepping that doesn't have that. Yeah. I,

I stocked up, um, on, you know, dry goods, canned goods, uh, lots of frozen food,

uh, just, just to really cut down on having to go out or do anything that involves me coming into contact with another person. Because there's such a huge period of time between when you are contagious and yet still asymptomatic that it's as much for their benefit as it is for mine. Maybe I've got it already. Maybe like an Ingalls bag that came in two weeks ago gave me the virus and I've had it for two weeks.

I shouldn't be going to places. And you know, uh, by the, by the way, I read like, like this is not pseudoscience. So like, and not a joke, um, regular soap will kill this thing from your hand. Something about the lipids in the soap, uh, break down some sort of fat cellular barrier that's in the virus or something like that. And it'll kill it. All right. You don't need some sort of fancy smancy soap, some whatever good hand soap will do it you know a bar of soap will take the stuff off your hands did you see i actually i was gonna oh i was just gonna say that i was gonna say i stopped coughing on buffets just because it's oh how kind of you just i've seen so many videos of motherfuckers doing that kind of stuff licking i know like there's this guy who took the soup what did he do to the soup there was a guy

who i don't i don't know if it was like a whole foods or something like it like the whole foods hopper or whatever but there was a guy who drank from a from a late soup ladle and put it back in the thing i was like what animal are you and this is look this is before the virus but that doesn't matter there's other shit out there i saw a guy everybody on the train on the subway is wearing masks he pulls his down and like rubs his finger in his mouth and then rubs it up and down the little thing you hold on to then puts the mask back up and this person is like recording him while he does it and it's like either he's he's a bug chaser he wants to get it or he's trying to spread it like those this guy is already recording that means he probably did it once before exactly exactly

anyone who is intentionally trying to spread this virus, death penalty in my opinion. There's a news story about that. So in Italy, a surgeon, anesthesiologist, and nurse have risked being infected by a man. That man tested positive for corona and he hid his symptoms because he had rhinoplasty, which is a nose job. And he didn't want that to be postponed. And now he risks 12 years in prison for an aggravated epidemic but good i think so i i don't know 12 years i think it should be death death penalty yeah absolutely it's involuntary manslaughter if somebody dies you know it it

seems like it's worse than voluntary manslaughter it's like. It seems like it's worse than involuntary manslaughter. It's like some sort of negligent homicide. It's like negligent serial homicide. Yeah, yeah. I'm very serious about this. I get this isn't the fucking... I don't know what a more deadly virus is. The black plague we handle with

penicillin now. I get that it's not running through the streets. Nobody dies from AIDS anymore. Enough money to pay for the drugs anyway. Or not American. What has happened to my country? Out of virgins to eat. Oh my god. But I think anybody who's out there actively spreading this shit,

they're doing that number, putting their fingers. I don't want to actually put my finger in my mouth. That's how afraid I am of this right now. I don't want to get it. Anybody's doing that number and spreading it or commenting on people. I was about to do the pop thing, and I'm like, oh my God. I'm going to get Corona in four weeks, and they're going to make a montage with the

goddamn, what's the show you watch? Oh, this entire time that I've been leaning over that I've been leaning over like this this entire time. Like, stop touching your face. But the crazy part is also, people are so stupid about it. Like, Joe Coy put up a video and in the video, it was like, hey, while I'm stuck here

I went through my old videos. Here's a great one from 2017. And it was like, hey, while I'm stuck here, I went through my old videos. Here's a great one from 2017. And it was like a conversation with him and another guy. And like, he's like, what? You shook his hand? Oh, my God, you're touching your face. And it was like, it says 2017. Yeah.

We all did that. Yeah. We're all going to do it again. And we still do it. The elbow bump is not becoming a greeting. Yeah. Although, I am all for replacing the handshake with the fist bump all for like the handshake i think no no no i like the handshake the handshake you do not know how strong they're coming in

and like and i mean like the people who are just like i will assert my dominance or the people who are just like here's my hand do what you want with it. Either one of those things. I would much rather you try to alpha me and squeeze hard because I'm going to squeeze back quickly enough that you're not going to fold my hand up. But you hand me that effeminate dead fish like you're a princess.

Next time somebody does that to me and there's not a virus, I'm going to take it from them and go... Dude, I dead fished a guy and it wasn't my fault. Nice to meet you, princess. I came in for a handshake. This wasn't too long ago. And he grabbed like the beginning of my fingers, right?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Like, look, I'm not a fancy handshaker, but I can't properly return it unless we go thumb to thumb. You get in there. You get in that gap. Right? If you just grab the tip of my fingers, then I don't have an opportunity to do this properly.

I hate that. I hate that. How many times have you ever – I have missed handshakes so many times in my life where one person just goes up a little high, in a little quickly, whatever it is. And you get that awkward part of the hand thing. Really? I don't know if I've ever missed a fist bump. That legendary Jewish hand-eye coordination. I don't know if I've...

Oh, Scott, I'm so sorry, guys. I'm so sorry. Yeah, I don't... I sold cars for a long time. I don't think I've ever missed one. I sold cars for a long time. We took a class on handshaking one time. Did you? Like, you know, there's a firmness that you're going for. And there's a middle ground.

But I'll tell you what. When I feel those pussy handshakes, I think less of you. I'm like, that guy has some kind of a social thing. Like, he doesn't do a lot of handshaking. On both sides. The pussy handshake is a problem. And the thing that Trump used to do where he'd try to like pull the other world leader off he's the only one I've ever seen

my barber when I was a teenager used to do that he'd crush my hand they were curiously strong hands and he'd either crush my hand or he'd hold it too long maybe that's it and he just like assert his dominance over my like 16 year old

can't wait for puberty-puberty ass. Every time I got my hair cut back. I'm going to give Woody a flashback. Are you okay? I don't know why I kept going to him. I really should have just – I should have – the second he overshook my hand and smushed it, and he'd smile at me knowing he was doing it. It wasn't an accident.

I should have just been like, you're fired and go somewhere else. But you have some of those people like you ever, sometimes like in an airport, you hear those people who are just like, they're on their phone speaking way loud, more loud than they need to do. Just yelling businessman terms, just synergies, mergers,

just I am businessman. I say businessman thing like that kind of stuff. Like those guys with their fucking over the top handshake bullshit, like, because they think that it makes them a better salesman or insurance but whatever the fuck they are like i just the fist bump it's so it's so easy it's it's i don't know anything about you instead of french fries i haven't learned anything about you if i bump your fist other than the size of your fist compared to mine i like keeping things

i like playing close to the vest yeah yeah i don. I don't think I want to tell you anything about me. What if somebody offers you the... What if you're like... What if you just flashback and recoil? Yeah, right? Slip in and punch the fist. Look, there are going to be accidents, Kyle. I never said this was a perfect system. I'm just saying.

I am a very badass subreddit, which is basically people like being fake tough guys this guy was like uh don't you come at me trying to fist bump pussy i see a fist coming at me i react i have training i'm law enforcement i'm taking you down and i'm just like oh my god we'll line you up to get shot with with all the people licking the ice cream at Publix, dude. We don't want you here anymore. I've seen so many cops this week, by the way, planning drugs on suspects like three. You've seen three cops on video, on video planning a video.

OK, I was like, what is your neighborhood? Yeah, I was like, you're just looking at what's going on doing this shit. it yeah oh my god you're just looking at you're just re-windowing this shit to atlanta where the play is by the way i would also say i am so happy that i do not live in an apartment with a balcony facing a lot of other balconies right now because like people are sharing those like you've seen those videos where like everyone in italy is like playing the anthem and all this shit and i was like no leave me the fuck alone like my neighbor started learning piano this week oh no really you're gonna start like and look if you're home and playing it because that's your you know and look we all have ways we need to pass the time it's a very stressful thing i get it but don't fucking learn an instrument when you know all of

your neighbors are home like that's that's bullshit like i think i think forcing people to i'm glad i'm i'm a little isolated i can hear a neighbor tinkling on a piano and that's already enough for me i don't know but i'm seeing the logic in it now yeah i like i see them playing tennis on the balcony having a great time wishing i was there but four minutes of that is enough yeah you want to visit exactly you want to visit you're like wouldn't that be fun for like a break you know and then the guy's just like hey uh I'm still bored here my uh my wi-fi's down so can you uh come back out with the tennis ball oh look the ball fell someone go get it uh you're gonna go get it i have pretty good neighbors for that um one of the guys like clearly works nights or something and so he sleeps all day works all night never see him i'd see his car come in if i'm up at like 5 a.m or 6 a.m i see

him return home or something like that that's it i don't know if he's black or white no idea um then there's um some people so you don't even know if you like him i'm not sure i'm not sure um but but but his sleep schedule is mighty white so so i'm okay with it jesus my neighbor uh kind of back behind they play basketball over there um and i can hear it occasionally that's a little annoying. There's some son of a bitch that lives within eight miles of me, I guess, and has the loudest fucking car known to man. I used to drag race a little bit in my car just with straight headers. There's no exhaust.

It's just about performance, and the thing is incredibly loud. That's what he's driving, I guess, in the neighborhood. I hear him start his vehicle, leave his yard, and I've timed it. I can hear him for almost two and a half minutes from the time he leaves his home. That's got to be at least a mile and a half that I can hear him. I mean, that guy is just driving his car to the drag racing track. Trying to make a living. I used to have a neighbor with

6 a.m with a motorcycle he goes to work in that shit a motorcycle that was loud like you described yeah and uh it would be a lot because he would warm it up outside right he'd like push it out of the garage or something start it and then i don't know it took him a while to get dressed or something and do that whole like four or seven minute process it's just super loud wow i had a neighbor in new york i really hate that that's another group of people line them up against the wall and shoot them the people who think that loud exhaust is like flexing or something like that that like no one's opposed we don't need those people in the world with us they gotta go i had a i had a

neighbor in new york where i swear look i understand that sometimes you have kids you cannot control the fact that your kid is a screamer and like the kid's just shrieking but like i swear they must have tied this kid to the front door because it sounded like it was in my apartment like and and look there's you know, you know, what, four feet between apartment doors or whatever in New York. But like this kid, it sounded like this kid was right the fuck there. And I was like, where is this kid's bedroom? Is this kid's bedroom on your fucking coat hook? Like where is this screaming kid right now?

Yeah, what you got to do, you get yourself a box of Ike and Mike's. You know those kids that you're familiar with at Candy? Yeah. Mix in a few NyQuil. Roll them up on your desk. of Ike and Mike's that you're familiar with at Candy mix in a few NyQuil there was once on the road where I get back from a late gig on a Saturday at like 2 in the morning and

I get myself to sleep in the hotel and it's one of those hotels that have the adjoining room doors. Yeah. And in the room on the other side of me, 6 a.m. on a Sunday, there's a family with a clown car full of children just singing Jesus praise songs. 6 a.m. on a fucking Sunday.

They're pre-gaming for church. I don't know what the hell was going on. But they're so loud and so obnoxious. And also, there are fucking rules about how many people in a hotel room like you if you have a clown car full of kids in your family fucking buy a second room that adjoins yours so you don't bother other people and give sense it be sensitive to the fact that 6 a.m on a sunday like there are people who are who want to sleep they need to take a page out of the football thing, right? Tailgate at the church.

Show up at 6 a.m. Tailgate at the church. Get your him on. Communion! Whatever it is. And then, you know, everyone piles in there excited. Big phone number one fingers, but they're like this. Oh, Jesus.

Oh, I love it. So what I did, though, is I was so mad mad i tried to sleep through it i couldn't uh i tried to call down to the desk and they like did not care and so i was like fuck this and i called up i i opened a porn on my laptop and put the computer on with full volume next to the adjoining door and i was like you want it you want to say oh god well i'm gonna i'm gonna do the same shit. And they left. So it took about 10 minutes. Is this story true? Yeah.

Yeah. I like it. Why the fuck wouldn't you do that? I've heard you tell that one before. It is an actual response, yeah. Yeah. Fuck those people. I hate inconsiderately loud people.

I always try to be very quiet when I'm in like public spaces like like shared sharing walls in a hotel room you know the thing about those those shared doors that you sometimes have in hotels perfect opportunity for a glory hole why don't why isn't this included yeah it should be like you the double glory hole so you both have to like and i got you both have to open it yeah yeah and yeah so like if you open it you stick your dick in, it just hits against the door. Each door is two inches, right? And then there's a four-inch space in the middle. It's eight inches before you're out the other side.

Yeah, they've only got four more inches to work with. I'm not sure I'm a man or not. They're going to need special doors for this. I'm also sensitive. I've gotten to the point, I've stayed in enough hotels now that like when I walk through a hotel hallway and it's past, you know, 10 o'clock at night. Like if I'm walking through and one of the other comics is talking to me, I'm like, hold on a second, man. Like, let's get in our damn room because like you don't want to you don't want to be the person walking by somebody's door and you hear that whole like, I really don't have it. Yeah.

I was like, that's still that's still really annoying yeah yeah i really hate it um i've stayed in a lot of hotels that's why there was a point when i discovered vrbo um that i just stopped using hotels entirely and started renting like apartments and houses when we would travel it was cheaper anyway because it'd usually be at least three of us but i i got into airbnb for a little while and then there were so many that had so many problems that i i just like a hotel better now because the amount of times dude i i tried to stay in one where the guy's wife left him right before the stay and so like this was supposed to be their rental house and now he was just living in one of the rooms and he thought that that would be okay and like it was one of those things yeah it was one of those things where he he yeah i did too

where he said uh you know he was like oh you know i'm just gonna take up one of the rooms and i mean he brought up the fact that his wife left him immediately and i was like oh this must happen like yesterday man like this is the first thing on his mind and i was like look i feel bad for the guy. But at the same time, get out of my fucking room. This is... He's breached the contract. That's the number one thing that I'm looking for

is not just my own room, my own house. My own space. I don't want to be staying in your, what do they call it? Like a mother-in-law suite or something like that. Like one of those additions outside. I don't want be in the the little shithole above your garage no you shouldn't be anywhere near me i say like you should be somewhere else this is oh anytime anytime i had one i had one in montreal where like it was some student that was managing it

for whoever owned the apartment and he was so excited that we were comedians and he was just like trying to hang out with us and we had to be like hey man leave you have to leave now yeah uh chis and i rented this place one time in um i think we're in seattle yeah i think we're in seattle and the guy was so proud of his place that he's like, I sat on the couch immediately. We were there to smoke dope. And, and, and that,

and I was, I was getting ready to smoke some dope. And so he's taken Chiz on the grand tour of what is not a very fancy place. It's just a two bedroom house, you know, somewhere, somewhere in Seattle. I think that's where we were.

And, and I'm just, I sit down he chis looks back at me like you're not coming and i'm like yeah you're on your own and this guy's like and this is what a bathroom looks like it has a sink and a mirror haha right right i'll show you what a bed looks like put the fucking keys in a drop box and leave me alone like that's all i all i want is to find out what the code to the door is he was next door and he was like and make sure you take your shoes off this is antique pecan wood hardwood flooring or

something like that and i looked at it and it scraped all the fuck like it's ruined yeah it needs it needs going over resur, and then recoding. And I'm just like, I'm not taking my fucking shoes off. I don't want splinters, dude. Like it's not happening. It's not fucking happening. We had a woman once who, you know, like probably mid-50s divorcee who was like really excited that a couple of guys in their 30s were staying there.

And so she was in. We were in like her like guest house and she was in the other house and she shows up so you know we check in it's fine and then she shows up with like drinking a glass of wine wearing like shorts and half a shirt just being like you boys need anything else and we're like absolutely not we do not need anything else please please do not sexually assault us miss how to fuck that lady because i'm sure you would she's within your swiping range but i think i think i draw the line i think i draw the line at like i i uh i i draw the line at like i think you know when like someone dies and you be and you be like

oh man they died really young? If you can't immediately say that about somebody, that's too old for me to hook up with. Oh my god. But wait, doesn't that start at like 60? No, I think that starts in the 50s where they're just like, oh, they died young. But the idea of that was tragic. I think that was tragic. It's a James Dean type scenario maybe yeah that was tragic starts in the starts away too early okay yeah i think i think 50 is the line of of from that was tragic to what a shame yeah i get it yeah i see even at 47

i'm like yeah you know i lived most of his life and all the good years. Exactly. He got through some good stuff. Everything's fine now. Yeah, sure. He doesn't get to enjoy as much retirement as he would have. It's like when parents get divorced, it's rough on the kids. But if those kids have graduated college, it's a different thing, right?

You know, kids are 27. They'll manage your parents' divorce. Like, okay. Look, I think it's every 10 years. Like 10 or under, it's not just a tragedy. It's like a prayer circle. You know what I mean? Like that's a community gets together.

Everybody, that is a vigil. Yeah, it's a disaster. Right. 20 or younger, you have a card that everyone signs from the community. You know, like it's still, it's something. It's a lot. You have a lot of people saying to your parents, I'll pray for you. You know, it's still very young.

You know, 20 to 30, you start being, that's when it's like, that's a tragedy. You know, 30 to 40 starts to be, you know, oh, that's too soon. 40 to 50, I think is kind of a shame. And then, you know, and then 50 and up, it starts being like well that was a little early yeah you know he kind of dodged his bad years actually exactly once you once you

get to once you get to above 60 they start being like well how'd they eat you know were they working out were they smokers yeah exactly and once you get to 70 and up you know you just be like well you know everybody's time comes so i i think that there's a certain level and then once you pass 80 you get the they led a good life or they once you pass 90 yeah exactly jesus who would have thought that trump would have been the youngest candidate is he the youngest still left i think he is youngest of the three main candidates like technically i think tulsi's long game is Corona virus. I think the reason she's still running, she stopped running.

She, she, she announced. Oh, she did. Yeah. Today. Oh,

today. Oh, wow. I think so. Yeah. I think it was one. I think once Corona virus started running around and, and,

you know, taking out old people, I think, I think that was probably a huge regret for buddha judge like immediately he should have been like ah i'm the spry one like i i i should have i should have stayed in um but yeah i think and then once you get to 90 they're a hero if you die after 90 you're a hero yeah if you die and then if you die after 100, it's a relief. Oh, no. I think every 10 years, I truly believe that. If you make it to 102, you won.

Why were you even still playing? You won this. You did it. You got to 100. Congratulations. Yeah. It's like playing a public video game where the entire high score list is your initials. You're just like, why are you playing?

You already have the whole thing. That sounds that sounds right yeah why are you still doing this yeah dude so i went to your show and one of the one of my takeaways from it i was really impressed by how you set the table right i talked about this before on pka how you got up there and and it's like you told us how to be a good audience but actually enjoyed that part of the show it was funny you did it like you entertained and set the table at the same time how long was it before you did that i imagine early in your career someone else set the table like oh i i learned how to do that um while i was when i hosted laughs uh which was a show on fox that nobody ever watched

um i was my own warm-up because it was a super low budget show and so and we were doing live tapings and there was no warm-up act and i was like fuck it these guys need a warm-up act you know and they're like well there's a host for that i'm like no no no no before the host goes up there needs to be someone who sets down the rules. And so I learned through that and it was trial and error. Cause at first I was kind of like, don't do this. Don't do that. Don't do that. And then I started realizing that like it's psychology and it's more of a, I believe in you guys. You're going to be wonderful. We're going to have a great time together. If you act like this, instead of the whole, like, don't heckle, keep your mouth shut. Cause every now and then I would get a laugh making fun of that stuff.

But your job as the warm-up isn't to get laughs. Your job is to, like you said, set the table. And if you can make it funny while you do, even better. And there was the other side of it. The other thing you said was, and then there were people who were like, I'm a hard laugh. Don't we all hate them? Yeah. And, you know, I'm in the crowd.

Hook, line, and synchro on everything you're saying. Like, yeah, we all hate them yeah and you know i'm in the crowd hook line in synchro and everything you're saying like yeah we do hate those guys that one actually you might be misremembering a little that is okay home's joke but uh but there is the oh no i but i did i had a joke no i know what you're talking about another joke you're talking about i i talked about the the idea of that like of the if you come here and you're an asshole, there's nothing we can do for you. Like, it wasn't about, like, whether or not it's hard to make them laugh, but it was the idea of, like, you determine how much fun you have at this show. Like, you've already paid for tickets. You're here now. Open yourself up to having a good time.

And the, like, the thing I talked about, it's, I'm kidding kidding around with you but the thing i talked about is the closed off energy the idea of of just like make me laugh you know like make me laugh asshole like that kind of thing like the person trying to prove you wrong and it's like this is your night man i get paid the same like give i i don't give a fuck. Like, if you don't laugh, it's fine. Oh, is it the idea of, like, I get paid no matter what? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I was actually, I just wrote down, rather than interrupt, I write down thoughts and then I revisit them.

Yeah. Stolen jokes, I just wrote. I have a hard time on stolen jokes, right? Because I would suspect, right? I mean, you can tell me as a professional comedian, that it is okay to steal your jokes if you're a regular person. If some accountant is by the coffee maker telling your joke to a fellow one, enjoy your break, right? Accountant, the accountant on that, the accountant does not lose anything socially by saying, oh, man, I saw this comedian. It was great. And then telling the joke, they still got the laugh.

The person's still like, hey, that was funny. I enjoyed hanging out with Bob. Bob's a good dude. You don't lose any social acumen or social acuity, whatever the fuck the word is. But like the the idea of passing it off as his own that's shitty oh so i if i made a joke good enough to steal and the accountant does that knock yourself out if i write a joke and like it actually happened my daughter made a joke about a movie. I think she said that, what is the Liam Nielsen movie?

Taken was Finding Nemo for adults. And someone took that. That's funny. That's not her joke. We, I think, we were under the impression it was. That's a general observation that many people have had. If she had it independently,

that highlights how bright she is. But she said it in one of our videos, and then shortly afterwards, it seemed like it was a stolen joke. Who knows how it played out, parallel thinking. Yeah, there's a professional comedian who tells that joke. I've never written a joke. I want to finish this thought. Oh, please do. Oh, yeah.

So accountant steals it it everything is cool professional comedian steals it kind of not cool you know you're supposed to here's why the account here's why the account stealing it is not cool though oh sorry go ahead sorry it's the end of it is sometimes i find myself somewhere in the middle asshole on a podcast not exactly accountant telling it to one other dude but not not passing myself off as, you know, some comedian either. And you have an audience. And here's the problem. I've I've had someone.

So I had I had a joke go crazy viral in a few different formats. The I had a clip where I talk about the it was the big heckler clip that went viral. The first one, the idea of like, you know, I've never was called someone. Someone accused me of like not knowing anything about kids, so I can't talk about them. And I said, well, I've never flown a helicopter, but if I saw one in a tree, I could still say, dude, fucked up. Right. So that's the joke. Someone made a meme of the joke. And then that meme got super popular. And then I did that joke on stage and someone came up to me after the show and accused me of stealing that joke from Reddit. And I was like, motherfucker, that's my joke.

Every so often. Oh, no, I'm saying that has happened. Brett Druck, who tours with me a ton, he had had a joke go very very viral in a meme where he wasn't wearing he used to wear glasses he doesn't anymore and a lot of people because they're assholes they'll share the meme and photoshop the person's name off of it like his name was on the meme and they'll just be like oh let me slice it so that it's really awkward and right up to the right up to the words of the joke so his name's not on it anymore because for some reason that is better even though his fucking face is there but because he looks so different than he used to he gets people

after shows he now does a bit when he does the bit in his act he talks about it going viral because he and i've seen it happen a dozen times yeah people coming up to him and saying you stole that bit yeah i've been accused of it like on this show like i don't remember what it was but i did a thing one time and i was i was just telling someone else's joke, but the whole premise, the whole preamble was, I heard this funny thing or something like that. You know how these podcasts go. Sometimes everybody laughs and then maybe Woody or the guest or Taylor or whoever quickly is, oh, I got a story.

I got a story. Before I a story before I can be like, yeah, it was on comedy central last night. It was this guy. Like, like I don't like joke stealing what I, and like if someone writes a joke, legitimately writes one,

that's so impressive to me because that's a skill that I, I don't, it's like alchemy to me. What, what, what I do if I'm funny is I tell you a story that happened to me in a funny way like like my cadence and the way i tell you the story like like beat for beat is what makes it funny you know there's a pause and then and then this happened and that's how i that's my

branch of humor that for for for as much as it is well all, all you guys, I mean, all you guys are professionally funny. It's just in a different way than a monologue on stage. Yeah, certainly. I didn't realize it had happened, but I told a story, right? And it was something that happened to me. I think it was the time I went to a black barber and he did my hair as if I was a black person

and shaved the front of it. And it looked really terrible. And it was right there. I got squared up and I'm on the show with clearly not a white person and shaved the front of it and it looked really terrible and it was right there. I got squared up and I'm on the show with clearly not a white person's haircut. He shaves the NYX logo into the side of your head. It's real weird. I'm Woody's friend so

I don't want to like shit on him but it's like if it were a picture for his hair looks styling right now so I feel comfortable saying this. I don't feel like it's hurtful. But at the time, I feel like I could have ripped on that hair for like 20 fucking years. Oh, it was bad.

It was so bad. I actually, knowing I was going on PKA this week, I extra far-headed for you guys, by the way. I got styled. So, going into it, I thought the haircut was going to be this great experience. I thought black barbers were the most talented barbers because they did their fades and such so carefully and that the experience of being at a black barbershop with all the banter would be wonderful.

That's why I went there. After they did my hair and there was awkward silence, I ruined everything just by existing and the haircut itself was terrible and not what I was looking for. Yeah, they wanted to talk about honkies and you're sitting there. And the kicker is after they did all this, I gave them my son, right?

So they cut his hair bad too. Never got him back. Anyway. I was like, as a tip, that's weird. I saw a comedian tell my story. Someone sent me a Reddit message and they're like, look, this guy stole your whole thing and it even ended with like you know then he did my son and i was like huh but i didn't

mind i almost felt like i contributed a joke out there to the to the no no that's that's horse shit that's absolutely i think anyone who whether you're speaking professionally writing professionally a combination of both like stand-ups do um your ip is all you have and so someone's stealing that and also like i said before it does nothing it takes no credit away from you to give the credit to the person who wrote it you're still an interesting person who found it you're still telling a good story you're still charming people and so if you go out of your way to not give that credit like i have people all the time that helicopter thing gets commented on reddit constantly and thankfully

i have a fucking army of people who will write under it and they'll tag my username or they'll just be like hey i also liked that joke that steve hofstetter told you know the difference and like that's that's positive i live i i perform if you it, on a format where you can't use anything twice. So my IP doesn't have, I feel like, the same value that yours does, where you might run with a bit for a year. Okay, true, but at the same time? It would be like if you had the same audience every night, right? Like if you played the same club in the same town, same small town every night.

I mean, you saw what happened on the show today kind of accidentally like i'm guessing i told that hotel story on this show before i've been on here nine times i watch your comedy um you know you know but i've never but i've never told that in my act i i had i wrote it on reddit i wrote it on reddit years ago so it's possible it was on there like like i know that story i'll just say that from you right but that but that's my point you knew that story and woody when you were like did that really happen to you there might have been an element of like oh i've heard that before is that you're like you know or you just or or maybe you were just saying like

there's no way you would you would play porn to a family and and if you say that you do not know me well but the but but the idea the idea of of not even knowing necessarily where you heard something there's a thing called cryptomnesia which is uh which is basically and i had it happen once with with one of my best jokes the premise of it i heard from another comedian five years earlier didn't realize i heard it from him commented on his joke on reddit it was the same premise but when something happened on twitter that like there was something trending on twitter the joke uh that i did was i saw leviticus was trending on twitter the part of the joke that's not his is i said why is it trending on twitter did jay-z have a baby and so like that one was mine.

But then I said, because it was trending because of that Bible verse, thou shalt not lie with a man the way one would lie with a woman. And to me, that doesn't sound like a prohibition. That sounds like sex advice. Yeah. That's the premise. He had the same premise. Now I went on for another two minutes at a different direction than he went on, but it doesn't matter. The reason that premise came so easily to me when I saw leviticus trending for that reason is because i had seen it five years earlier and i didn't realize where i had seen it until after the special was already recorded after that's already out in the world and another comedian was like hey man that's keith's joke and then i realized oh fuck and i had to call him and apologize to him because i didn't

realize i took it how often do comedians like believe in that apology? Like, hey, Steve stole my joke. And then Steve says accidentally, you know, I think it depends on who you are. I'm so virulently anti joke theft. Like I run a Facebook group of comedians and writers against plagiarism. And like we're the ones who got when the fat the fat jewish had his book signing canceled that was us like we when we see shit like that we mobilize and like make sure that you know his sponsors know that he's stealing our shit and like etc and so really jew it up it's well and this was a guy against a guy named fat jewish of

all things um which by the way that bothers me the most of the bullshit that he does it's well and this was a guy against a guy named fat jewish of all things um which by the way that bothers me the most of the bullshit that he does it's like you can't jerry seinfeld did all this hard work making a good name for jewish people and you gotta go fuck it up um so he's your fucking hood ornament he seinfeld we talked about this pre-show i like jewish people because of two things jesus christ and jerry seinfeld and not in that order oh i forgot that was pre-show i uh yeah i'm sorry about that i forgot that was pre-show but the uh yeah but the like but my point is that i have i have a track record of calling people out when they do it and not only that but also being careful of it I wrote I wrote an opinion piece about how and it was called no your

joke is not stolen and it was about like when two people make the same joke about something in the news they didn't steal that from you the writers of Conan did not watch your set in front of four people at an open mic and and steal that from you they saw the same fucking story that was a very viral story and they came to the same conclusion yeah like you can you can tell when it's stolen if the transitions are the same um or if the inconsequential details are the same or perhaps even like i saw like you can tell when it's stolen like comedy is a bit like mathematics yeah in that way it's like it's if i see your order of operations and it's identical to mine i'm like whoa we got there the exact same way we we we

cross the we dotted the i's and cross the t's exactly the same i don't know about that but if we have the same observation that's that's why it was so important to me to get the part about sending colin to the black barber because everything else could have just been his experience that was like mine. Absolutely. But that is the kicker. That is the kicker. And it's weird. That guy didn't even have a son.

I'm going to interrupt you for the fourth time, I think. The punchline of that joke, if you were on stage, that could be an actual bit of you telling that. And then you put on stage you like hit a clicker and it's a picture of you and colin sitting there with those black people hair because dude i saw it and it is comical it's like it's like they're both will smith from fresh prince of bel-air but they're the whitest two gentlemen you've ever seen they're just both like

colin has red hair too even colin no he's like i don't know if this looks good i saw a cool but i don't think so the the two most egregious that i've seen were um i was at the this was 2005 i think I was at the Calgary comedy festival. And, uh, and I saw this kid who, you know, he, he did this poem and it was a word for word, Jeff Ross poem. And it was one of the, it was a thing that played on comedy central a ton. I knew it by heart when I was in high school. Like I still know it by heart. And, uh, and I go over to him afterward and I go, Hey man, that's a Jeff Ross poem. I'll do it in a second. I know my storytelling. And so he goes, I got to save the story so there's a good punch so that so many of the viewers can think that I made it up.

So then I so I go over to him afterward and I go, hey, man, that's the poem you did is a Jeff Ross poem. And he goes, no, no, no, man, my friends and I wrote that in school. And I go, no, no, you're your friends and you said it in school. But that's a Jeff Ross poem. And he kept insisting. So then I go, the poem is called I Miss Her Sometimes. I ran into my ex-wife the other day. Then I backed up and I ran into her again.

I miss her sometimes. And I look at him and I go, do you think I memorized that from your set or do you think I already knew it? And like, he still kept insisting that it was his. And I was like, do you just, it's a thing you did as a kid,

but it's not, it's word for word, the same exact thing, same title, same misdirect. And then there was another guy at the same festival who did an Adam Hunter joke. And it's a joke that Adam did on, uh,

on, uh, God, this is how long ago it was. It was, uh, not even Ferguson. It was Kilborn.

And so the the joke was um and adam was my roommate i knew this joke so well and the joke was i hate when uh someone tells me they have a boyfriend after i buy them a drink be like oh no thanks but i have a boyfriend oh no it'd be like uh he goes he goes oh what's your number and she goes oh i have a boyfriend and he goes all right what's his number? And she goes, oh, I have a boyfriend. And he goes, all right, what's his number? Cause he owes me a Corona. So the joke, but the guy told it with the same fucking beer in Canada. You don't find a ton of Corona in Canada.

And so, uh, I called him out on it and I go, Hey man, that's, you saw Adam Hunter do that joke. And like, that's, that's his joke. And he just keeps insisting that it's his. And I go, I've been here for six days. I haven't seen anybody drink a Corona. Like why would you have the same exact beer reference? That's crazy.

So then at the, and that was the last night of the festival, at the post party, he was ordering Corona to try to like prove me wrong. To try to just be like, see, it's possible. Those both seem like possible kryptonisias do i have the word right it's a new word for me tonight yeah yeah kryptonis mid-90s though from jeffrey ross do you accept it as kryptonisia like in their explanations like did i think when they

said this is our joke they might not be lying they might be wrong, but not lying. Their intent is... Well, the thing about the Jeff Ross poem that is a word for word, like the thing with he owes me a corona, I guess. But what I'm saying, the reason I think that's not cryptamnesia is because the first part of that joke could have been parallel thinking. The first part of that joke could have been cryptamnesia, he could have seen adam done it on the on the late show but to have the same exact beer reference and inconsequential detail that could have been he owes me a molson it's canada that would have been that would have made it a better joke like that that's what i'm saying when there's a detail that doesn't change the punch line and you use the same detail that's when it's stolen yeah he's been telling that joke since like 95 or something like that that's a that's an old the jeff ross poem yeah yeah yeah absolutely yeah that's his yeah that's his and it's funny and it's not like i miss her

sometimes you get there's tons of punchlines but then i throw another rock you know or but yeah you know there's tons of ways that you could make that your own to some extent but but no yes it's his he was the first one to do it but anyway that goes back to so what woody asked was the idea of like you know how many how many times does a comedian accept the apology i think it depends on the comedian apologizing and it depends on the person who's accepting the apology so the comedian i'll give him a shout out. Keith, a little Jensen is the guy that I cryptomnesia from. And I was actually working with him in probably three months from then at the, uh, the punchline in, uh, Sacramento. And I called, so I called him up. I didn't have his number, but I knew someone who knew him. And I was like, Hey man, I feel terrible.

This is what happened. And he was cool with it right away. Like he, he was like, Hey man, I know you didn't mean anything by it. Cause think he knows me well enough and he knows my reputation well enough to know that there's no way i would ever do that like and and i also immediately to except for the part where it's in the special i took the meme down i took the clip down like it's still in the special itself there's nothing i can do about that but i i scrubbed every other reference to it because i was like, this doesn't feel right. Even though two minutes of this joke is mine, the premise is not. And so it's not original.

And even all the way to the accountants at the water cooler, you still have it. Would you say all your comedian peers agree with you on that? No, no. I mean, all my comedian peers don't agree with me on a lot of things. Oh, no. I mean, all my comedian peers don't agree with me on a lot of things. But I think that I think that the it is it is not a it's a cardinal sin to do it on stage. It's a cardinal sin to do it, you know, on a podcast. It is just kind of a dick move to if you know where you heard it and you actively don't give credit like that's that's a shit thing

like if you try to take i broke up with someone over or trying to pass off an urban legend as her story what's what urban legend i gotta know now oh it's a horrible thing the whole hand man like no she also she also made it tree and it making out under a tree and something was scratching on it. The worst part of it. Well, I'll tell you after the thing. So the story is, and the way she told it, is that she was, a friend of hers was dog sitting. And she was over at the place. And so she's dog sitting with a friend of hers in D.C.

And they, you know, and the dog is very old. And one day, you know, they come back from dinner and the dog's dead. And she's freaking out because she's like, oh, my God, I killed this dog. You know, what do I do? And so she calls the family and the family says, don't worry about it. The dog was very old. We knew this moment would come. It's OK. You're not in trouble. we knew this moment would come um it's it's okay you're not in trouble and she's like okay but but she realizes that like she has to she's dog sitting for a week she can't just leave a dead dog at this house so she's like what do i do and they say well there's a vet you know that does disposal you could just take it to the vet so she's like okay and she hangs up and then she

doesn't realize that like how the fuck i'm gonna take this giant dog to the vet it's like, okay. And she hangs up and then she doesn't realize it. Like how the fuck am I going to take this giant dog to the vet? It's like two girls who were relatively small, this enormous dog. So she finds a huge suitcase and she puts the dog in the suitcase. Cause she's got to take the Metro to get to the vet. It's like two stops away. She can't just walk with this suitcase. And so she gets on the Metro and she's like, they're the two of them are struggling to get it down the stairs and uh and this guy comes over and he's like oh you know can i help you and they're like oh yes please so he takes you know the suitcase down the stairs for

them they wait for the train they're talking and the guy's like what is in that suitcase and she's like oh it's a it's dj equipment um because they don't want to say, hey, I have a dead dog in the suitcase. So the train comes, and as I start to get on the train, he grabs a suitcase and runs. So that's the story that she tells me. Now, in her story, by the way, the guy who took the suitcase was black. Of course he was.

Now, in the urban legend, in the urban legend, he the urban legend he is not she made the story more racist because she's like oh no one will ever believe that someone will steal something unless they're not white that's ridiculous so uh but she tells me the story i had not heard the urban legend before and i just heard it as a crazy story and she says the whole thing she tells it as if she went through it and her friends panicking and she calmed her friend down and this whole thing and it's like three days later and i'm at dinner with like one person i know and a couple other people and one of the people says something about like talking about how you know like their their friend's father's dog just died and they

had like a hell of a time trying to find like a way to bury it properly. And I go, Oh my God, I heard this crazy story. And I started to tell the story and I get through like three sentences of it before the guy goes, yeah.

And the guy stole the dog. And I was like, what? And he goes, yeah, that's an urban legend. My dad used to tell me that story. And I was like,

you gotta be kidding me. And I Google it and it's fucking everywhere. it's appeared as like legend since like 82 like this story has been out there and she passed it off as if it happened to her and i was like fuck you everything you say to me is a lie like couldn't you just say hey i know this funny story i know this interesting story and instead she was like this happened to me and also uh black people are thieves like that was her that was a funny way to do that i think and and sometimes it's the best way because timing is so important with jokes and yeah um interrupting someone's expectations is is some sometimes such

a good punch line like tell it like it's you and then at the end be like that that's not mine though that's an urban legend i i had to tell it that way it's funnier if i tell it that way because you've already gotten your your your laughs absolutely like the goodwill hunting like the uh it doesn't ruin the joke because the joke already it's like it would be like if you ate something and some delicious meal and after you'd eaten it and enjoyed it thoroughly they were like you know that was snake right oh yeah well i wouldn't have eaten i wouldn't have enjoyed it if I'd known it was Snake the whole time. But, yeah, it was good. I guess I like Snake.

All right, okay. God damn it, that's some good Snake. Woody, the part of Good Will Hunting is they tell the joke about the pilot saying, the pilot's on the intercom, and he says, he goes, oh, I could use some coffee and a blowjob. And the flight attendant realizes he's live and everyone heard that, so runs up the aisle and uh and he goes and so i say don't forget the coffee so that's the that's the joke but the putting the part of the movie they talk about putting the eye in it is like it makes it it can make it funnier but you still can't pass it

off as your own story it just makes you an unreliable source it makes you an untrustworthy person it does it does i i've known people who tell a story where they are the hero of this story and then six years later they tell it again it turns out that like they were the uh an accessory to the story you know like on the side or something they weren't the centerpiece they made themselves out to be originally and it's like yeah you're full of shit my brother actually i was at a gas station and this guy he was a problem and i was like yo bro you want some of this and he was like totally not you know he backed down because he saw how big i am just barreling at him like a human machine and we're all sitting here you know who i'm talking like a human machine. And we're all sitting here,

you know who I'm talking about. What do you do? And we're all sitting here like, Oh, you serve a liar. Oh, I, I actually have,

I have a story that like every time my brother tells it about me, cause sometimes people like will exaggerate in a better way, but it's me in the story. And so every time my brother tells me, it tells a story, I get worse in the story where it's like it's a pretty it's like willie randolph i'm a mets fan i was at a game when willie randolph was a coach he tossed a ball into the stands and i made a nice catch without a glove it was like it was a pretty good catch i reached over with my left hand and i caught it first time my brother told the story he told it that way second time

he tells the story like yeah i reached a little. Second time he tells the story, like, yeah, I reached a little bit. Third time he tells the story, yeah, it came right to me. Fourth time he tells the story, Willie Randolph handed me the fucking ball. Like, each time. First time. Fifth time. It hit me in the nose. Yeah.

A kid picked it up. I pushed the kid. Like, each time against Wayward. Willie Randolph tried to hand it to a kid. I punched him in the face, I took it and I said, that's because you have cancer. Like each time it just gets way worse. These days it hit me in the nose and the whole team laughed at me and I shit

myself. I mean, I never said I didn't shit myself when I caught it, but yeah, that's each time he tells it, the fish gets smaller instead of the other way around. Yeah. I, I, but yeah that's each time he tells it the fish gets smaller instead of the other way around yeah i i i'm always skeptical of stories where the teller is the most badass of of yeah everybody

else was just a pussy and then there i was yeah i tell stories where i yeah i tell stories and i've told stories on this show and like i was joking around about it about how there are people in the comments who'll be like that story's not not true. And it's like, no, I'm only going to tell stories where I look good in them. Like, I'm not going to tell stories about like, and then I had this one thing that I thought everybody was going to laugh at. And it fucking, it was awful. Like, I'm not going to, that's not the story I'm going to tell. I'm a professional comic. But like all my stories that I'm the hero, it's with words.

I've never told a story where I've beaten somebody up. I've, you know, like, that's not, that's not how things work with me. Like, that's somebody up I've you know like that's not that's not how things work with me like that's the one weapon I have so that's the story I'm going to tell I'm a very this is me big like you have no idea how skinny I used to be

you're very affected and effeminate and oy vey I shake hands like this yeah not like this I shake hands like a high school skeleton model like science class skeleton you ever have a lady give you one of these i don't think so of course not we're not from fairy tales give me a real handshake i really like a lady who gives you a real handshake i When that happens, I'm like, oh, all right then.

All right then. Be like, oh, this is actually going to be a match. You could jerk a cock. I can tell. You've got some grip strength. Show me what you got. Then you show up at the hospital four hours later. You're like, she could really jerk a cock.

It exploded. Oh, God, there's blood everywhere there was a kid uh there was a kid we worked in a in a summer camp with when i was uh when i was 15 um where like he was so excited he got his first hand job and like the girl had never given him either and she made it bleed and like i that that story was like legendary and one day i just just was like, how do we know that? Like which one of them told somebody like which one of them involved in that? And my friend just goes, oh, is the sheets. We just we saw it on the sheets and we asked him.

I don't like this. I don't need this. I don't need this in my in my mind. We just we just saw the sheets and we asked him, we're like, is that hers? And he's like, no. Good God. She chafed blood out of his cock. We just saw the sheets and we asked him, we're like, is that hers? And he's like, no. Good God, she chafed blood out of his cock. Why doesn't he

stop and be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I have definitely... Because he was a 15-year-old getting his first handjob. At that point, you're so bad at sex at that point that you're just like, oh, I guess this is supposed to feel

this way no like the first girl i ever made out the first girl i ever made out with may as well have put a fucking dust buster in my mouth and tried to suck my tongue out with it it was horrific but at the time i made out with her for hours because i was like this is the greatest thing someone wants to kiss me this is amazing i know this girl and she's got rough hands because she's a stripper and i think like working the pole yeah like oh i was like wait a minute i have missed they're not like a cowboy sandpaper yeah they're not they're not like rough like a cowboy calluses but like they're not as soft as mine frankly i do a lot of pull-ups i can imagine what they're like i moisturize and if i every time i've ever worked out i wore gloves and like working on the farm

always had to have my gloves and my hands are very very soft all right people ladies appreciate that sort of thing anyway this lady very strong rough-ish hands and it makes like a hand job way too intense and so i'm just like all right whoa hang on we need more lube it's like ribbed for your not pleasure yeah it's like a post-orgasm hand job like when you just want them to stop like like all right i've had too too much stimulation stop it's like that oh but before that's definitely a thing by the way can we can we talk about that for a second because that's not a thing i think people talk about the idea of like the second it's done please stop immediately like for the three women who listen to this program because your boyfriends make you um i i think that it's really important for you to know this i bet by the way every now and then because like i said this on the program before tons of pka

people come to shows and so uh but every now and then there would be like a pka person with like a with like a super hot girlfriend and they'll just be like oh man we listen to you on pk all the time and i'll just to check i'll just say to her i'll be like oh you're a big the time. And I'll just to check, I'll just say to her, I'll be like, oh, you're a big PK fan. Like, I'll turn to her and she'll just like smile politely. I'm like, nah, OK, I get it. It's his thing, but you'll love him. So but anyway, the idea of like once it's over, like you got to you got to stop. You got to stop or that shit.

That shit goes from this is the best feeling to this is the worst feeling. Very, very. So you've got a bloody nose. That what's coming it's oh god this is i thought that's how you started there's gonna be blood one way or another i promise oh god um yeah i think that uh i think that a lot like there needs to be i forget who i think was doug stanhope had a great bit about the idea that like we don't teach our sons how to masturbate and like that's the greatest thing in our lives and yet we don't pass on that knowledge we just expect them to figure it out and like i think that's true like sex ed is not technique at all it's just it's danny jollis has a good bit about

he calls it a consequence ed it's not sex ed it's just it's danny jiles has a good bit about he calls it a consequence ed it's not sex ed it's just consequence ed like no one's actually teaching like hey clockwise motion like there are just so many things that like you it takes a lifetime to figure out sucks i'm not sure i'm aware of that clockwise that was a that was a reference to uh to fingering like there are guys who think you're supposed to finger like this. Ah. Like, fucking rank amateurs. This is a massage we're performing.

Yeah, this is not, you're not just supposed to be like, bitty, bitty, bitty, bitty, bitty. Like, it's not. I like the idea of using two fingers. Like you're, like, deflating dough. It's like the old, ABABABABA. Just mash the keypad as much as possible. Like there are things we just don't teach people.

I don't think they should. I think you should have to learn the hard way though. Because like. Or the semi hard way. Yeah, or the semi hard way. Like I don't want to talk too much about technique. Maybe I've learned some things that i find are give me an edge you know proprietary knowledge proprietary knowledge all right i i god what are you what a youtube series like there are all these

patreon only kind of series right you're like here's here's what happens when your sd card gets stuck in your camera. Like there's a million of those videos. Like why not a series of videos we can all – like just like a swarthy dude with a six-pack and no shirt, just a Jason Momoa-looking motherfucker. Yeah. Just like comes on and like teaches you how to do things. Yeah.

Y'all sign up for our Patreon. It's linked down below. We do a hangout every month where there's like uh 10 of us in a call and and i'll show you exactly how to make a lady nut by tickling the small of her back with your very long fingernails i saw that's a reference you won't get steve but but i do it's it's awful no oh yeah but steve does yeah it's and it's good that he doesn't uh what yeah i'm really glad that I do not. But I do remember, like, I remember when, like, someone, it was like a friend of mine who told me when I was, I think I was 16.

A friend of mine, when a friend of mine, like, told me where the clit was. Like, it's the thing above. It's the thing above. Like, I mean, we start out, most of us start out thinking that there's only one hole. of like i mean we start out most of us start out thinking that there's only one hole yeah i i i was a teenager and uh i was watching some show on tv and they asked guys where the clit was and and they made it like a safer tv image of a vagina you know basically that oblong hole thing and uh yeah it looks like uh like these idiots don't know where it was. And I thought it was right between the pussy and the anus, like right at the bottom.

I would have pointed to the taint at the time. And I'm like, oh, these people are so stupid. They're pointing everywhere. And then they said, oh, it's up here. And that could be useful for something else. And I was like, I'm glad they didn't ask me. I would have embarrassed myself on TV just like these gentlemen. Yeah, be like, oh, it ain't there.

No. off on TV just like these gentlemen. Yeah, be like, oh, it ain't there. I think that sexual prowess is something that you should have to learn yourself. I feel like these are like, it's like alchemy. Right? There's no need to be sharing these secrets. But what about understudies? There could be academies.

You could be in the guild. Understudies in the bedroom means something completely different in my world. Okay, fair. Sorry, I meant apprenticeships. I meant apprenticeships. Wrong word. What's an understudy in the bedroom?

Kyle, lay it out for me. I don't know. I was just really making a joke there. There's no... I legit thought like, okay, Woody. I suppose it has something to do with eating ass or being with someone. Oh, I see. Like an undercarriage study person.

Sure, sure. Oh, I thought you were saying like the idea of like, oh, you know, well, you know, in this production of sex, our star performer is under the weather today. So we have an understudy who's going to come in and you're like, oh man, it's not the main one, but all right, I guess we'll see how they are. Yeah.

Yeah. I feel like you learn these things over the course of a lifetime and, you know, your experiences and you see, you know, trial and error, trial and error, but that's true for anything in life.

So why? More so with sex though, because sex is so weird. All right, so let me... You have to have very specific circumstances to even run your experiment, right? Like, if you're trying to figure out how certain chemicals react,

well, you just get a bunch of fucking jars and beakers and go to work in your bedroom or whatever, your garage. And you can blow your eyebrows off in both situations. But you have to have a lady present right and and preferably an experience with multiple ladies so that you really get a barometer for like oh i guess that only because there's some things that one girl will like that another will hate and so you need this sort of you you need a you need a big study right but that's what i'm saying like you in order in order, you need a, you need a big study, right? But that's what I'm saying.

Like you, in order, in order for you to learn size, you have had to have had sex with enough people that you learn what works for most people. Every now and then you have sex with someone and you're just like, well, nothing's fucking working here.

Like this person's into stuff that, you know, clearly into things that in a way that I don't want to do it or or or has a different rhythm or whatever else it is. But you have to figure out you have to have sex with enough people to figure out not only what you like, but what more than half the other people like what you need. So with infection, you use broad spectrum antibiotics when you're not sure exactly what you have. Right there. You need to learn the broad spectrum sexual techniques that is 100 true holy shit there that is there are some broad spectrum sex acts that just work on

everybody right you whip out the hitachi magic wand and it doesn't matter who it is they're just like oh okay all righty then you know but but some girls you stick your tongue in her butthole and she's going to shit on you immediately. Oh, that's the Hitachi Magic Wand? The tongue in the butthole? No, that's a literal device that you seem to be unaware of. You need to Google this thing because it is... I'll send you an Amazon link right now. And consider the Domi.

By the way, this is worth... It sounds like this is worth getting coronavirus over. So yeah, send it over. I'll go get one. Consider the Domi 2. It's the wireless version. Batteries have come a long way. So this is like some sort of vibrator, I'm assuming. Yeah.

You've probably seen one before. You know what? I believe in... I'm not into performance enhancers. I think you should do this without steroids. Look, it's hard to live your life through this world and have never been exposed to this thing i just frequently um no i totally along the lines of what we were saying i have wondered so i met my wife at 19th i was wondering like it is possible

that while i think i'm good at sex i am actually only good at sex with jackie and that if i were to like ever find myself in a situation where I was with someone else, they might be like, dude, you suck. You guys might be having like 1990 sex, basically. Like you guys might be doing the latest stuff from like the early 90s where this was like Well, what we need here is an outside observer, clearly. Chatterbait.com slash Woody's Gamer Tag will be a performance on Friday.

We draw straws. And figure out which one of you guys has to fuck Woody? Is that what you're doing? Woody has to perform what he does to Jackie on the short straw. You're going to get a watch? You're going to get a watch?

Please. She's late. No, the... Yeah, it's possible that there's all this stuff that's been developed. Well, it's not as if I have no exposure to... Steve, you might be unaware, but there's a lot of media out there on the internet. That's true.

Yeah, I've seen Bob Roth's team, but I'm not going to make any masterpieces over here. Jared Berenstein, who's one of the guys who tours with me a bunch has a joke about how he used to be a prude and then he like and then he like got more sexually experienced but then life passed him by and now he's a prude again which basically just means he doesn't eat ass like that's that's what's changed step up where he was like i'm in other stuff but that's't eat ass like that's that's what's changed step up where he was like i'm in other stuff but that's yeah that's not that's not a thing i don't do that either that's not a thing i think it was do you guys oh yeah yeah i shouldn't even asked woody

do you yeah anything anything yeah i would say actually the yes save the marriage you know you guys have been having the to the same person. You start off with, you know, with just one or two tools in the toolbox. And as time goes... You get the full craftsman set. Exactly. That's what's in your utility belt.

I got a lift. Air compressor in the corner. Wood lathe by the wall. But when you do... We got 240 volts in here son how fresh how fresh does the shower have to be immediate it's pretty that's what i mean like that like you know immediate you know and and like if if she if we're really down for some some action you know then she's she's cleaned out back there she's applied an enema you know we've we've we've planned ahead

and something you do ah there's uh there's been a trim preferably a wax and you know you're gonna get after it i really so this is not this is not like a spontaneous ass eating yeah yeah no there's no such thing as i don't think i've ever spontaneously eaten ass no no this is a like all right now we're gonna go have sex kind of thing like like no spontaneous ass eating you gotta have some real love involved look i'm i'm this is not the i i'm in i'm in 101 you're in the advanced class right yeah i'm learning about i'm learning about yeah that's right here that that's super effective and a lot of girls have never had that done and uh the the uh the reaction that you get is uh you know it makes you makes you feel good to make them feel good. I've known girls who are like,

whoa! What is this thing? Really? Down there? Oh, yeah. Uh-huh. You don't mind. No, I like it. Well, I like you. For a check or a credit card?

Can I swipe down here yeah just uh yeah just venmo at that point do i tap it or swipe yeah yeah i i have no problem with that i you know i i'm not and by the way i'm not like disgusted by it. It's just never, I've never been in a situation where I feel like, where if I'm in a situation where I feel like the regular tools in the toolbox aren't working, I feel like that's not going to be the magic wand that'll suddenly change everything. I think just some people are going to have to.

The magic wand is the literal magic wand that will change everything. Okay, the actual magic wand. I sent you a link down below. That's the corded version. It's like $55. It's 55 it's worth 550 i have two case one gives out there are attachments for them i don't know no need to confirm or deny whether you're aware of the attachments for the magic wand woody but there are attachments one of them looks like a question mark it like there's like is there like a flamethrower that's that's my self-defense wand that's

the different wand yeah there's one that has like a question mark and it sort of goes in and hits the g spots you you're like going in and getting that curve action but then the it's very intense vibration two speeds super high and super duper high like those are the two speeds that now that i know that you guys now that I know that you guys, now that I know that you guys eat ass, uh, when I said like, what are your survival skills for the apocalypse?

Uh, I mean, that's one. Cause we'll never run out of fuel. Like you go across the country and you just have to trade. You just trade that for Jesus. You know, some subdued for the gas can.

And suddenly you're fine. I don't want to eat crusty post apocalypse man, but, but you've got skills, Kyle. You cannot ignore your skills. It's very important. This is the one you actually want. Oh, damn.

Yeah. It's the same except that it has the dial box. Oh, you got the dial. See, I bought the dial after market. Yeah. Oh, I've seen stuff like this. I knew that you had seen it in your comings and goings at some point in your life.

My comings and my goings. Yeah, yeah. I've seen it in my comings and comings. It can be, without the dial box, you might not get the speed you're looking for at the moment. So I've actually only ever been, so I've only ever been to like an adult store once. Okay.

And it was because I was hanging out with a couple of friends and someone said something about like going to one and i was like ah i've actually i don't think i've ever been on one of those and they're like okay well we have to take you and it was like i was hanging out with like two pretty women who wanted to take me to a sex shop and i was like all right and so we went and i realized that like the vast majority of things there it's probably like 95 and this was an enormous one because we were in florida and so it's a state shaped like a dick like what do you want so everything in that store was pretty much for women or gay men there was like very very little for

straight guys yeah there have been some advancements for men you know with the various pocket pussies uh yeah but there's like such yeah but there was like a shelf of that and then an emporium of like vibrators and giant dildos and like you know and and games based on everything's a penis in the game and like there's like a lot of that stuff but there was very there's very very little for straight dudes and i think it's because most of us don't need it like a good gust of wind is a sex toy you might be right i had a different theory i i i could be wrong but i thought that women i don't have coronavirus we've just been talking a lot so of course i thought that women because they have periods are naturally inclined to like devices like tampon tampon inserters and pads and whereas it's just my own evolution thing almost like you know

look they're used to tools and with guys or not there's nothing that you ever have to do to your penis really and uh because of that there's almost like a barrier to break when you start introducing tools whereas women it's there's a company called uh love sense they make excellent toys these are uh controlled by an app on your phone and you can either use uh bluetooth for close range control or it has internet capabilities so it's like a put it in while you're at work type of thing anywhere in the world and i can be over here in quarantine controlling the intensity and the uh the the the pace of the vibrations i can program in all sorts of things i can download other people's programs it'll be like

it sounds like both both hot and super villain shit yeah the idea of like i haven't tried it but there are male masturbators that match up to videos so like when they're going heavy you're going heavy if they slow down or change position you take a pause and uh the video i think here i go ahead i think here's the difference though i. I disagree with your evolutionary theory. I think the difference, a couple of differences. One, there are a lot of women who would love to orgasm and not have to talk to us. Like, there's a decent amount of that. There's also just the idea of, like, with a guy, if I want to, I want to get it over with.

Like if I'm by myself, I want to get over with as quick as possible. I want it to be like, here's the thing I want to do. I want to have that feeling and get on with my day. And but there are women who like I'm going to make a night of this. I'm going to make an evening. I'm going to bring myself to the brink or I'm going to do this 10 times in a row because evolutionarily they can do that that we can't. And so like for me now, look, I'm a goal oriented person. But like the the the idea of like getting things done and walking away, whereas like there are a lot of women who are like, let's light some candles.

Let's take a bath, drink some wine, play some music. Like I've never been like, oh, man, I want to I want to whack off. Let me put on some Tom Petty. Like I've never been like that. But I've been like, oh, I want to whack off. Let me put on some Tom Petty. Like I've never been like that, but I've been like, oh, I want to have sex. Let me put on some Tom Petty. So like there's a, I think it's a different thing. Because the women will set out for like an event, you know, an evening of fun and guys are just in and out.

Sometimes I got some time to kill. Yeah. Although I guess my theory doesn't take into account why there are so many sex that there are a lot of sex toys for gay dudes like there's i think there are a lot of just maybe it's just more acceptable to have like a severed dick than like a like a a separate vagina i don't know i think it is. In the comments. Let's give your feedback. I have a collection. I have an enormous collection.

Thousands of dollars. Of what? Various sex toys. I don't know. Maybe my mind is twisted. I got a big crazy fuck machine. It's just a crazy fuck machine. Oh yeah. Here's the question i felt like i'll show you sex toys should be for a person or a couple right i don't i would

feel weird if i use the same toy in person after like you know if they extend it between girlfriends that's actually how coronavirus got spread originally people don't show disinfecting their their severed dicks um no woody i absolutely agree with you and also i'd like to add that like there it depends and look it depends on the the type of women that you date i have a good answer to that when it's done but i absolutely which is why i'm going first you're the headliner on this question so i i have been in a situation like look i have two things when it comes to like sexual objects at home i have condoms and i have loop and i've had like you know hooking up with a girl and she's like why do you have lube like what you get you get late enough that you have

your own lube ready to go and like that's well and that's why i'm saying like it depends on like if you explain i don't get laid very often which is why i have lube yeah you're like which is both it's both for me and also uh you see most of the bottles still here uh so i i just think that it depends like look kyle you're gonna you're gonna bring someone home who's like where is your sex swing like they're gonna assume and i'm gonna tell them where it is right right but that's my point they're they're not like they're not right they're like they're not going to be taken aback by that i think it depends on i think it depends on who you date i mean like if you're too prepared if you're too prepared you look a little

either I'll be quick Kyle if a girl said hey Woody my last boyfriend loved this prostate massager I'd be like he did huh like can we get a new one for me I would never phrase it like that I would say girls go crazy for this one

come check it out you'd never phrase that there's various testimonials on the side of it be like four stars becky nancy was here i'm trying to find the sex machine that i have but i i just i just think that like i i agree it a very personal thing. The same way that, look, you can wash a pair of underwear a million times. I'm not ever wearing someone else's underwear. I'll buy a t-shirt at a secondhand store with no problem. But the idea of those boxers, those boxers, put them in the fucking garbage. Also, I haven't dated new people when there was an understanding that like everyone

like 25 that like everyone had a sexual history right like i think would you know if kyle were to meet a lady a new one no one's playing the virgin card anymore right right and you know they're the communicative before they're you know back at the apartment or whatever so there's probably a whole different scene than than i'm used to if that makes any sense yeah absolutely absolutely but at the same time there are still i think a lot of dating is pretending like we all know that the other person is look if you have sex with someone for the first time and they're good at sex it's because they've done it a lot and we all know that and so you do want your partner to be experienced but you also don't want your to part your partner

to be like oh this guy jim i was with he liked this one thing so i'm going to try that with you like you don't want your your you're putting that out of your head i think that's an important point i don't think they make it anymore I thought Steve was going to go into it You're dating the representative And I'm like The one I've got is like $1200 Or something like that You've got real adjustable height

And pivot There's three arms So with three arms of control You can do anything It's the CNC machine. It can go. Yeah, absolutely.

It can go, it can go flat on the ground and straight up, or it can go like super duper high and go like almost straight down. Like, like anything and everything. And even the length, the, the,

the thrust can, can be like super short thrust, like did it, did it, did it, did it, did it, or like real long.

And then, you know, infinite attachments for it and a speed control just like the hitachi one it plugs into the wall of course how does it how does it get washed well you've got you've got attachments right that are that are essentially a vacuum lock dildos and so um you know the machine has this metal thing and it goes into the back of the dildo and they lock together. And then you've got to like pop it back off and then wash the dildo.

But fluids are not like that controllable. Like when there start to be fluids involved, there's I mean, I'm sure you've been in a sexual situation where like, oh, well, that got over there, huh? Like and so there's got to be stuff that's gotten on the machine in other parts of the machine. No, I don't think so. No, I put condoms on the toys. That's my answer to the whole sharing toys thing. You put a condom on there. It's been washed, and there was a condom on it last time it was used, and this time it's used.

And if you want your own toy, just clickety-click, clickety-clack. Amazon has plenty. They send me more. I'll put your name on the side of the Sharpie, and that's what you want. I want everybody to feel comfortable here. Amazon is, like, contemplating shutting orders unless it's, like, medicine or necessary food. And meanwhile, Kyle is like, well, it's been rumored. It's not going to happen.

But, I mean, like, it's the type of thing where, like thing where like Trump was like oh we're going to close travel to Washington and California and he said that like two weeks ago and like it's I'm just saying that like it's a thing that someone said and it was going to set up the joke that the idea that like like Kyle meanwhile is like but then how do I get my prime dildos I will say this is an emergency. These aren't necessary. This is a wartime commodity. What do I have wrong about this? It's a medical emergency. We're playing doctor.

So move aside. Give me the dildo. Amazon said they were hiring 100,000 people having to do with Corona. I thought it had to do with them increasing their capability of delivery. Do I have this all wrong? I think part of it, I think it does. What I'm saying is like, that was something that someone said that's not going to happen.

Okay. But what I'm saying is, I assume that a lot of their hiring is also because they came under such fire for not sanitizing anything. And like their warehouses were not being sanitized at all. So they need to hire a staff just to do that,

let alone. The virus doesn't live long enough on cardboard to be an issue, even if you have Prime. Yeah, but you have to put stuff on cardboard. It's not just cardboard. You're buying things inside the cardboard. Yeah, but

it can live for three days, they say, on stainless steel. But lately my Prime has been an extra day. So instead of two, it's been three because of the increased demand. It's pretty crazy how this has been an extra day. So instead of two, it's been three because of the increased demand. It's pretty crazy how this has affected the whole economy. Let me do an advertisement. How soon until you complain?

Sorry. Let me do an advertisement, and then I have a couple of funny videos. I'll let you guys pick which one. All right, sounds good. All right, they're gone. Now it's just us. Let's talk about eugenics. No.

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Bring it to you in these hard times when you don't want to go out and be bumping into lots of people. Good stuff. What industries? Obviously, delivery is doing great. Grocer great toilet paper uh hand sanitizer uh people make face masks which by the way the people who are wearing the face masks so they don't get it face masks prevent you from giving it not from getting it yeah just a heads up so certain ones do the uh i think it's the m95 uh medical mask they'll prevent you from getting it or uh yes yes but the the majority of what people are buying like the standard you know

put it on your face like the the standard dust mask or whatever medical thing yeah exactly that that does not prevent you from getting it at all um and neither does putting a shower cap on or whatever other dumb shit people are doing yeah but the full body condom independently the disease um but the the the thing oh god the thing that uh the thing that i'm curious about is like the industries that'll be propped up by this because certainly retailers Because certainly... Lee Taylor's. You know... Walmart. So you think that... Well, but they're stores. I mean, like the in-person shopping is going away for a while. So... They're flooding that place.

You see so many videos of Walmart. I drove by Walmart the other day. I'm like, I could be starving. I'd go kill something. There's no way I'm going there. Maybe Walmart's the exception. For now. But take like learning

express you're like a different retail store that sells educational children's toys i bet they're drying up yeah that's not it yeah but online learning express this week well take a look at online classes or um the heck most retail stores people didn't starbucks you know most retail was already getting shit on by Amazon. This is just making it slightly worse in some situations. The grocery stores are doing great. My pick for the industry

that I would invest in the most right now, if that was a thing where you could just pick an industry, would be online therapy. I think online therapy right now is going to kill it. It's time to invest in oil. It's time to invest in oil. It's time to invest in oil. Get in deep and hard.

Balls deep. Why? Because it's $20 a fucking barrel. Oh, because it's so cheap right now. It's $20 a fucking barrel. And summertime is coming. And this virus is going to be over. And Russia and Saudi Arabia aren't going to be price fixing against one another.

And it's going to be back to $75 a barrel by fucking August. How do you invest in oil? Like is there oil futures? Like I don't know anything about that shit. It's a commodity. Yeah. You can just buy in mutual funds that specialize in industries too. Yeah. Yeah. Invest in oil.

What other industries do you think are going to... Even if it does go down more and you don't get the biggest bite you could have taken, it's going back up to 75 apparel yeah what other what other uh industries do you think are gonna be propped up by this because like i mean digital shit for sure entertainment uh especially digital entertainment um obviously we're seeing right now thing uh disney is taking a huge hit because several branches of their tree are are being uh wilted you know from the from the cruise line to the amusement parks to the to even their content disney plus isn't doing quite as well as

as they thought it was going to be because they don't have a lot of content and the programming the future programming that everybody's waiting on for disney plus is being is being slowed way down the production of those shows so so by the way no one's shooting anything right now nobody's shooting anything right now really um i i haven't heard about anybody powering through it i just hear about this is delayed that's delayed this delay that's delayed or this no i mean i know i know plenty of people like danny danny jollis uh you know he he booked a part that he was all excited to film and now it's just now they might film the same episode next season i don't want to say what show it is but like he booked a pretty big part on a show that where he could become a

regular and maybe not now you know and there's there's been a lot of that i'm terrible but i think is he a comedian an actor oh danny so he's a guy i referenced him earlier in the podcast he's actually one of the one of the comedians that's going to be uh that's going to be on the live stream tomorrow um yeah people want to tune in but the uh uh but yeah there's i mean there's a lot of there's a lot of people who lost work and i'm just curious like what's what's going to happen after this like what are the industries that because look the world's not going away you know like we've been through shit before yeah we've been through shit before. Yeah, we've been through shit before. And we and we went through shit before we had like things to distract us. There was a generation that went through World War One and two.

Like they like that's that's and the depression in between. Like that's fucking insane and prohibition. And meanwhile, we're just like me going to stay home. There's nothing new on netflix with games uh yeah there's i'm gonna get through this next netflix library in three years so this better wrap up in three years the new season of fuck what's it called it's it's the it's game of thrones light what's that show called something kingdom uh you're not thinking of the Lord of the Rings Amazon thing. I'll figure this out quickly.

Last Kingdom. It's a show that I really enjoy. Next season of that comes out next month around the 25th, I think. 26, perhaps. Yeah. That'll be a good one to watch. It's a month away. And we've got Tony Ferguson fight.

That's going to happen. That's going to be big entertainment stuff coming up. So yeah, some industries are being hurt by this but are clearly going to bounce back, right? I think it's too late to get in on any kind of investing with the airlines because there's already been reactionary

stuff because Trump's promised to bail them out, give them $50 billion or whatever it is but oil yeah oil is just going to keep going low it's probably going to go lower than now but it's 20 a barrel right now because nobody's flying nobody's driving and russia and the saudis are having their little price dispute nobody's cruising and international shipments are lower perfect no nobody's participating in oil fights? There's no war. There's not a war going on right now of any consequence.

Oil wrestling is down because of the virus? There's a lot of stuff. But it's going to go back up. And I wouldn't be surprised if summer travel has a boost. I wouldn't be surprised if this holiday season is better than last holiday season. More so than

inflation or population growth would, would I honestly think it's going to take, but I, I mean, if we're looking at, it might be late summer. Like it's going to be a bit before, because even when we're allowed back out again,

they're going to be so many people who are still scared. Lots of people are putting off their spring vacations right now and their early summer vacations. And those are piling up vacation days. 20 of the workforce has no money so like there is they're getting bailed out they're all getting checks everybody's gonna get enough money for a vacation and we're americans you think we're gonna invest that pay up pay down our debts no you think we're gonna spend that on the rent that we owe the details right and i don't think the details are knowable yet unless things have changed super recently. But the last time

there was a recession, they gave us $600. George W. Bush did it. And the way that they did it is they gave you an advance on your taxes. So if you would have otherwise broke even, you owe $600. If you would have gotten $1,000 back, you get $400 back. It was an advance on your tax bill.

So this time they're talking about giving you $1,000. And I'm telling you, I was a grown-up the last time. They framed it like they gave you money. And many, many people were surprised come April 15th. That ain't what's happening this time. Well, I don't know the details.

It sounds like you do. That is not what is happening this time. They are giving you money. They're coming out of pocket for like $700 billion to give you do. That is not what is happening this time. They are giving you money. They're coming out of pocket for like $700 billion to give you money. It also will depend on who wins in November because there are competing plans for this. We're adding to our national debt and putting it in our pockets. Actually, the worst thing to happen to our economy i believe was uh was when bush not even that there was there was one thing where we all just got a 300 when there was a

extra money in the budget when like the budget had a surplus for the first time because it's after so bill clinton brought the budget to a surplus and then bush like early in office i think it was like to like early on maybe early 2001 or something gave everybody 300 i remember getting that check i might have called it 600 because i'm married maybe you're right but anyway people took 300 out of the economy like it was because so many people bought stuff foreign you know they uh there are people who who saved it um you know there are people like there are people who who literally lost some of it and so even if 10 of that was lost it was such a bad fucking idea to just hand people 300 like i i think that's a terrible idea like we're gonna you're gonna take that out of circulation

i think it's gonna it's gonna flow right back into circulation i think that it's gonna be a good idea not a great idea i don't think it's gonna necessarily prevent a recession but i think it's gonna flow right back into the economy but it'll flow back into other countries economies like how much of the stuff that we buy is from china a lot of it is and and you know that that's not necessarily a bad thing if china's doing well um i i think that everybody's economies are going to flourish in the fall and in the winter i've said it before and i'll say it again kyle is clearly a china sympathizer absolutely and the whole position on the show and the fish are going to pay for it there's gonna be that pollution is gonna skyrocket that china is already uh relaxing what few uh restrictions they had on uh like pollution

output just to catch back up that's literally a thing did you see did you see those like satellite pictures yeah like yeah where suddenly clean is that it yeah i i i mean this might be the earth trying to shake us off of it like just the idea of like everybody had to go back inside for two months in china and then suddenly the air pollution wasn't there anymore i went to uh have you been over there no i went to uh i went to shanghai and i was supposed to be there for two days and i left early morning the second day because i couldn't breathe and i had a headache and it was just one of these things where i'm just like this is so tough right now and i'm not i can't enjoy anything here because i couldn't i couldn't breathe the pollution was

horrible my parents had the same experience i think one or both of them got a sore throat from it and uh interestingly it didn't change their opinion on american environmental regulations they still thought we should move to lighter regulations and they love everything that has to do with deregulation they pass some sort of dirty air act where you can dump shit in the air in the local rivers and they're rah rah rah but they didn't like china I don't give a fuck. I've seen, I've seen LA go from, I've seen LA go from like so much smog when you fly in, you see the top of the buildings gasping for air to like having these restrictions.

Like it's mainly on cars, mainly on the smog from like, uh, it's called smogging your car where basically cars have to pass the emission, these emissions test every couple of years. And it is amazing the difference in the quality of air here like i've seen at work i was in i was in australia

yeah absolutely yeah um i was in what my car needs to smell like yeah i need exhaust freedom i was in uh i was in australia to my arm next keep track of me like during uh during like the height of the fires which by the way we have no idea if they're still burning or not because the news is not covering anything except coronavirus but the uh i was in sydney uh the worst air quality they had up until that point and like like i took three steps out of the airport before i started coughing and i had like i had one of the n95 masks and so like i would wear that but the most amazing thing during that trip was uh i took the uh like i i was walking to the gig and i passed by someone else with a mask and they take the mask off and i think they're about to say something to me

and they smoke a cigarette. And it was the funniest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life. It was, yeah, exactly. The cigarette, right. The cigarette was filtered. The mask needs a cigarette thing for it. The Chinese version would have one. You could just.

Just a little. Like those people who still smoke out of their neck holes. Yeah. It was amazing. I have two videos. of their neck holes. Yeah. It was amazing. I have two videos. Oh, please continue. Okay. Well, we were talking about environment and climate change stuff.

So this comes from a memory because I heard it on a podcast. Here's the scoop. Three, four years ago, Hurricane Harvey hit Texas, maybe the Houston area. And Hurricane Harvey was a class four hurricane with 130 mile an hour winds. And one of the things that was notable about it is that it didn't just come and smash through like many hurricanes do. It stopped. It went over Texas and it just hung around for a while.

So some places got 60 inches of rain. All right. This Houston area is one of the most dense like chemical and petroleum like producing places on the planet. So there was a chemical plant there and they had these chemicals that would explode if they weren't refrigerated. So as the floodwaters rose, these trailers that were refrigerated lost power. So they moved the chemicals to another trailer. And then the waters rose again. They moved them to another trailer, a fourth trailer.

There are plant workers, plant foremen, just holding explosive chemicals with their hands as they wade through waist-deep floodwaters in a hurricane to get these potential explosive materials to the highest trailer. And eventually the highest trailer lost power too. And they exploded. And there's like plumes of toxic gases and awful black smoke. They're dumping these chemicals effectively into the water and into the air. And now there's a legal case going on. The people at this plant, including the CEO, the COO, and the plant manager. Plant manager, by the way, was one of the guys who held the explosive chemicals in his arms going through the floodwaters from trailer to trailer.

the explosive chemicals in his arms going through the floodwaters from trailer to trailer they're suing them criminally and trying to put them in prison and i don't know where i land on this but the scoop is that they felt like this was a foreseeable problem and they're criminally negligent for what they've done to the air and to the environment. It is one of the first criminal global warming cases that's been tried so far. The answer is going to come like this week or next week as to how it works out. But I thought it was super interesting. I guess you're responsible, not based on what you know, but what you could have known, what the accessible information out there is. what the accessible information out there is.

This area in Houston had had three 500-year floods in the last couple of years. They're like, this was not a surprise hurricane. This was obvious. It was predictable. The global warming, in spite of what you see on your misinformation news network, is generally accepted science and they should have seen this coming and they're criminally

negligent. How do we feel about this? That they're going to put these people up to 60 years in jail. Well, uh, Kavanaugh already voted not to, it hasn't even come to the Supreme court yet, but,

uh, I think a lot of this is going to be, I'm kidding. Um, a lot of this, I think a lot of this is going to be I'm kidding. Oh, a lot of this. I think a lot of this is going to be decided based on political bias and based on party lines, because two for a judge to make that decision, they have to say climate change is an unavoidable fact. And so it will depend.

I think it will depend on that. Right. Yeah. Indisputable fact. Yeah. It'll it'll depend on what that person believes or what that person is willing to put on the record that they believe and while you know i mean i was kidding around about party lines but in terms of what you believe on that issue which

seems to have become a partisan issue even though it shouldn't be um you know science and politics are two separate things but uh i think that's how it's gonna be laid down but the important thing to remember about about that moment in houston is that uh you know the astros winning the 2017 world championship was a really big thing for houston after hurricane harvey and it turns out it was total bullshit. That's what we should really focus on. Yeah, absolutely. I think those guys should have seen it coming, especially if they had access to the signs.

I see the tie-in. That was a long way. What are the videos, Kyle? I got two videos. One lady just has a complete meltdown in a parking lot and she blames it on her grandma who's not present.

That's all I'll give you. The other guy is in an Uber and there's a car accident and he plays his cards very well. I would like the guy who's playing his cards well. That's the one I like. I want to learn from him. Just above Nate Diaz there.

It's the public freak out. Dude doesn't know how to act. I'm ready. Are you guys? Oh, I need to. Wait, I opened it up and. All right, I'm going to hit play. So I'll hit play.

Ready, set, play. We just got a car accident, nigga. You can't say that word. It's finna get paid. You heard? Listen, we finna get paid, girl. Better pay a lot of money.

I don't know about you, we fin gonna get paid girl I don't know about you you pregnant so this is like a new pregnant you pregnant what you came for your legs you were too close to the steering wheel oh I can't you're a drunk driver yo this guy's awesome what a ridiculous person oh I can't feel my legs he's winking at the camera this will be used at his trial this will be a trial

your honor this guy's an idiot winking at the camera. This will be used at his trial. This will be a trial. Your honor. This guy's an idiot. He is not one of my TikTok followers. What did Nate say here? Nothing. This is from long ago. This is a Dana White meme.

It says, Corona, you're taking everything I work for, motherfucker. This is an obvious reference to sporting events being shut down because of the coronavirus. Originally, he said Connor, of course, but this is a Dana White meme. My other video, I actually prefer over this one. I'll link it now. I saw this earlier in the week. This girl, she's got some problems. She's having a real goddamn meltdown. You you're gonna have to let this one slide what do you mean the the video that you sent i

want to make sure i have yes it's the right one oh yeah yeah yeah are you guys ready i am ready Ready, set, play. This is a hit and run. Hit and run. Hit my car. Double felony. Get out of the vehicle. This is the last chance. Oh, and he's got her backed in?

I already wrecked a gun in what's she saying you guys don't understand I mean my grandma is you really don't understand what her bumpers been ripped off she's like trying to put her bumper in her car oh she's not just trying she's done he's accomplished it oh god, in front of her. What the fuck? Jesus. What? You don't understand. I definitely don't understand.

You need to get out of the vehicle and do what's right. You need to get out of the vehicle. I have video documentation. Oh my god. She's trying to like fit. I mean, he's got her cornered in there pretty well. Where are the police?

Are you kidding me? You almost hit me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry. Whoa. My grandma. hit me i'm sorry i'm sorry man i'm sorry whoa my grandma's so mean i mean this is either this is a person who is who is on something uh or this is a person who is getting abused by her grandmother they got her like this is they got her i mean yeah yeah i'm looking at her license plate number at the end of this clip yeah they got what a fucking buffoon

that's another like she's too stupid to be around with the rest of us she is yeah the idea because because even if she's terrified of her grandmother what is the escape plan of the idea don't worry if i could just drive home carefully take my bumper out of my car where my grandmother doesn't. I'll reassemble the car two blocks away so she won't know. That can't be grandma's car. She's got rims on it and aftermarket exhaust. Grandma's not rocking that whip.

Yeah, but if she gets back and grandma's got gold teeth. Where you been, bitch? I'm sorry, grandma. Do you ever watch Who's the Boss? Get your ass back on the street. Sure. That's Mona's car.

Like, that is for sure modern-day Mona's car. I mean, what kind of person is mean to their grandchildren? You're supposed to spoil them. White trash. White trash. I mean, look, abusive people could be mean to anybody, but at the same time, like, the... I get she's terrified of being in trouble, but at the same time like the i get she's terrified of being in trouble

but at the same time you're gonna get a little more in trouble when you're in jail yeah she's like i don't think there's an adult there's no excuse for this nonsense how old do you think she was uh i think she's like i read it i think i i'll i'll check was that in vegas where was that 22 oh yeah i undeniably an adult if she was 18 and in high school i'd be like technically an adult but not yeah someone in the comments also said uh said my favorite part were that the windshield wipers were on yeah which is yeah yeah they need to raise the bar for getting a fucking driver's license in this country that that big time i actually i have a theory that not just for getting one i think the biggest problem and it's not in this one because she's young but maintaining one you have to you

cannot take the road test for 50 years yeah 50 years and like think about the difference in technology in cars between 50 years ago and now cars in 1970 verse now every time you update your license you should have a new test and at some point maybe at 65 then that gets halved maybe every i don't i think it's seven years you got a new. So now it's 3.5. But they should change the way that they measure you, right? Like if you're 17 or 16, hands at 10 and two. If you're 31, they go, oh, Steve, I see you got good at driving with your knee. That's cool.

Yeah, exactly. Be like, now the important part is to drive this car while you drink a cup of coffee. Yeah, yeah. Now, can you drive while you eat soup? Can you eat soup and drive? Because I can eat soup and drive. So, I'm a road comic.

Yeah, I think they need to really raise those requirements. I think it would help. Everybody's like, oh, we need to carpool more. More people need to take public transportation. That's how you achieve it right there. That's how you achieve it right there. You make it harder to get a fucking driver's license it's also uh it's also ridiculous that the test is subjective i failed the driver's test even though i got it's like this thing if you get 15 points off you then you fail and i got nine points

off but she still failed me and i was like why, why did I fail? And she said, well, when there was a fire truck on the other side of the road, you didn't come to a full stop. And this was by the way, a divided road. This was like two lanes, median two lanes in North Carolina. And I was like, wrong, I think. Well, I said in California, technically that's on the books, but I go, did you deduct points when I did that? And she said, yes. And I said, well, then you've already penalized me for it. Why am I failing? If you penalize me for that

and I didn't get enough points off to fail and she goes, well, as the instructor, I can fail you. I don't think you're qualified to drive. And I had to take the test again. I'm like, that's bullshit. I think, but I absolutely do think it's very important the same way that i think that there should be a maximum age you should be president the same way there's a minimum age that's ageism only on the yeah so so is a 34 year old president

not being allowed to be president that's also ageism and we do that with no problem and no but that's what i'm saying like the idea is all right i'm from new york city not allowed to drive till you're 18 all right so i don't know all the rules in other places but in in order to get your driver's license when you're 17 it's this crazy rigmarole of like junior license and permit and all this stuff and that's even if you get a 17 license and so the idea that like you can be 17 and a half and not be legally allowed to drive, but you can be 85. No problem. That's ridiculous.

Yeah, I agree. I agree. You're probably right. And that is why I'm running for Congress this fall. So you can't get a driver's license on your 17th birthday in New York. It's hard. So you can't get a driver's license on your 17th birthday in New York. It's hard.

No, in New York, in order to, I mean, I don't know if the laws would change, but when I was in high school, the way it worked is I think if you got a, if you got a permit and then a junior license and then your license in a very specific order, you could get your license at 17. But you, you, but otherwise it's 18 and up. In New Jersey, I think it's 16 or 16 and a half you could get a learner's permit but like you said it was kind of a rigmarole to go through but you did it at high school we had driver's ed in high school and literally the final exam for that class was the driver's test very important i did well on it. And so like the high school kind of set you up to become a driver at 17. Yeah. No, not me.

I, I remember our driver's ed saved you a ton of money on car insurance. Like, like if you had completed it and passed it and everything. Yeah. I didn't save some money. I didn't get my license till I was 24. Cause then I moved to LA.

So I was, yeah, I was in, I was in New York was in new york until then i didn't i didn't need it and not only did i not need it but like even if i had a car where the fuck was i gonna park it so there was uh yeah i i grew up born and raised in queens uh been living in manhattan since i was uh 17 and so i i did not need that license i had no use for it and not only that but it's not like I knew anyone with one.

Like there were very few people. You grew up in the city. I'm curious about this. Yeah. What was your level of freedom like throughout your younger years? You know, when you were 13, were you allowed to take taxis by yourself?

Well, my parents are Jewish, so none. But I, no, my level of freedom, actually, I was taking the subway I mean taxis I guess I could have it's not like we had the money so I was taking the subway by myself from the time I was 14 the first time my parents for some reason were more okay with a city bus than the subway because I guess the like the the bus it was harder to keep transferring and going to other places so I think I started taking the bus by my by my like I was able to take the bus it was harder to keep transferring and going to other places so i think i started taking the bus by my by my like i was able to take the bus with my sister when i was like 11 and then i

took the i was able to take the subway with my sister when we were like 12 but then i couldn't take it i couldn't take it by myself till i was 14 the bus is pretty safe in jersey the people that are on the bus are our sketchiest people. Yes. In Queens, I mean, it's just a way to commute. There's a lot of parts of Queens that aren't connected by subway. And so it's just another way to commute. You take the bus to the, you know, if you're in Fresh Meadows or somewhere like that, you take the bus to the subway.

But I took like the yellow bus to school because I went to a school in Manhattan from from the time i was 12 and you know and i lived in central queens so we didn't have much freedom that way but once we could take the train ourselves we'd go wherever the fuck we wanted and then we had a ton of freedom and actually i think my friends and i got into less trouble than you know i hear p i hear about people who grew up in the suburbs and from the time they were from the time they were 14 they were like drinking in a in a in a random park breaking bottles in a parking lot like whatever the fuck they were doing because they were bored and we started doing like we like when i was 16 is when people started like smoking and drinking because we were we had other shit to do we weren as bored. We weren't just trying to fill time. Okay.

I was just curious. Like, Kyle grew up in a rural area. So he had, like, ATVs and the ability to go places. But there weren't, you know, natural predators all over these places. No, no. I'm just going to. Yeah, but here's the thing. Here's the thing.

There are a lot more criminals in the city. But if someone gets you in the country, they're going to fuck you. I think that's the big difference. Sure. Maybe. We all saw the romance, Kyle. Don't deny it. I just mean that I'm way

more terrified than a criminal in the country because if you're in the countryside, you're not, no one's going to hear you. Hmm. It's like space.

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I'm going to eat a bullet. Can we watch this video? Kenneth Copeland strikes again. Oh, not again. Oh, that's the same guy who said he was healing people from coronavirus over the TV. He healed me. I touched my hand to the screen like this. And now he doesn't have corona.

Brilliant. Can we listen to this guy? Sure. Cute up? Yeah. Three. Yeah. Three, two, one, play.

Fear of this coronavirus is faith in its ability to hurt you or kill you. The fear of what are we going to do? I'm getting laid off at work. Hey, your job's not your source. If it is, you're in trouble. I hate the way he acts like he knows more job's not your source if it is you're in trouble i hate the way he acts like he knows more jesus is your source whatever you do right now don't you stop tithing don't you stop sowing offerings well they won't let us go to church well email it in there text give or something but you get your tithe in that church if you have to go take it down there and drop it off and stick it on what a piece of shit dude tithe in that church you get

that off i am when when he did the thing about healing through the tv i like i had retweeted it and i said i am i will never understand the evil in some people and the ignorance in others like both the ability for him to be a human being and sleep at night saying shit like this, but more so the people who watch that and go, yeah, that sounds right. I was warned about your kind, but I never knew the true evil that resided in people like you.

You people get that tithe in, goddammit. I'm trying to figure out how to email mine in right now. Don't you stop tithing. Don't you stop tithing. You just that tithe in, god damn it. I'm trying to figure out how to email mine in right now. Don't you stop tithing. Don't you stop tithing. You just email tithe. You just put tithe.com, I think. Just text money to 484848 somehow. Yeah.

Good god, man. Oh, wow. Don't you hate to see that? Yes. There are a lot of people out there who you know who this is most effective on too it's old people it's old people who are deathly afraid of this thing they're like honey we better get our tie the nh rat gullibility is an age-related disease kyle i've been my that's again president age age-sealing president but the like i had a i had a buddy i was touring with whose grandmother fell victim to one of those

like my my grandson is kidnapped and i have to drop this money off at a western union immediately thanks while we were on the road together he like she called him and was like oh thank god you're safe and he's like what are you talking about and then like it came out and yeah why wasn't he the first grand or something well that's the thing because they say because they say because they say if you try to they say if you try to call him we'll kill him like they say that kind of thing and so like once they say okay he's safe now it's like that type of thing and so like once they say okay he's safe now it's like that type of thing where she's like well i wanted to call there was a there was a story actually there was an uber driver who saved like an old lady from going through that where

she was he she wanted him to take her to the bank and he like until she was nervous or whatever and they were chit-chatting a little bit and she told him kind of what was going on and he was like this isn't real miss we we should go to the police and she was like freaking out and they were chit-chatting a little bit and she told him kind of what was going on and he was like this isn't real miss we we should go to the police and she was like freaking out and he convinced her to go to the police and then they were able to prevent her from being taken i gotta get into this game it's they're really that now's the time to strike strike while the iron is hot here's here's what you do you find a list of people getting tested for corona odds are most of them are old and that's how you find i bet the churches are members of the utah jazz yeah oh my god rudy gobert what a fucking idiot i forgive him i he was no reason he's an idiot

when many people underestimated it yeah but but the idea of like two days later like that was a very you know curb your enthusiasm yeah it comes on it was like the idea and look we all made jokes about it absolutely i tweeted a couple of jokes about it but they were never like but i'm gonna touch all the microphones because everything's fine jokes like that was a very like the only reason you do that is you go this virus doesn't exist like you can say this virus isn't a big deal what if he believed he was doing it was a democratic hoax as it was being right that's what i mean leadership and yeah exactly like half the nation follows that right and that's and it's fucking stupid and yeah the the idea that like it's a it's a Democratic hoax.

Be like, well, then why do a lot of the people who are getting it are Republican? Because that's what they want you to think. There's a lot of that's what they want you to think. Just fucking think for yourself. Science isn't out to get you. Well, I think, look, PayPal me $100 with your name and a photograph of you, new. me $100 with your name and a photograph of you, new, and I

will bless your body with my blessing, and I will send you... Alright, I'm only 13, but I'll get started. Well, of course, all packages go by care of Woody's Gamertag. As everyone knows.

You want to get something to me that man handles it for you Steve doesn't know but that doesn't work yeah it's funny because Woody burns people's packages when they send them to him it's hilarious I felt like an errand boy yeah like hey Woody this is actually for someone

I like more than you but could you handle the rest of the mailing for me here's what happened here's what i sent you someone wanted to get this taylor is a very big uh i believe uh i believe it was lord of the rings i think that may have been the thing could be wrong he's a big lord of the rings fan huge i am too but i've never read this similarly and i've read the books in any case he he's read everything they didn't know how to get to taylor but woody because of a lot of things you know he's filmed his house and his roads and his streets and uh he's kind of when he bought his new house he talked about it a lot so it was very easy to discover where he is so creepy horrible people can knock you it's sort of public knowledge at this point. And so people know where Woody lives. So they sent Woody this package that was like to send on to Taylor of this really nice book, like $50, $60.

And Woody burnt it in a fire pit. Oh, my God. Never sent me another package. It worked. And I filled it. And I put it on my YouTube channel. That's a good way to do it. Now, Kyle, if you had burned the package that you were sent, think that was i was gonna i was gonna if they gave me 20 more minutes i'd have been roasting

that that's a good i get uh sometimes i get uh like like people will bring gifts at shows and they're very sweet but like i will never if it's if it's like home-cooked food or anything it's like absolutely not no like there's no there's no way and you know what i bet it'll be fine but at the same time i'm not willing to chance it what i'll do is i'll say like the comedy club staff i'll be like hey look i have no idea what's in these a fan brought them up to you and then like most of them will will eat whatever cookies or whatever it is because also they want to get high they're desperate to get high. They're comedy club staff.

But the you know, they're hoping those cookies have something in them. But and then sometimes people bring me stuff that's just like, hey, I'm flying home. What am I supposed to do with this thing? Like where they'll just bring me something like someone. It was super nice. But I like I was joking around on social media about how like when i really started drinking a lot of coffee and how i was like oh i'm trying to like i'm drinking a ton of coffee you know like i need a i need a giant uh coffee mug and someone brought me like one of

these fucking trucker things like the 48 ounce like thermo thing and i was like this is hilarious and thank you i'm flying home with a carry on. No, like I can't. And I just, you just have to take it and say thank you. And then leave it somewhere. Like leave it in a hotel for somebody. I don't know. I don't burn it. I always mail it.

Oh, I'm sorry. Yours is way different than mine. Well, yours was. I put mine in a landfill. You know, I would never disrespect it. No, I gave them the joy of like they brought it because they wanted to see me happy when they gave it to me and i am a a marginal actor so i i was as happy as i could be and then afterward i was like i guess i can't keep this i don't know

where to and i just like left it i would get given tons of stuff on trips a lot of times so we would just uh print out a shipping label and most most hotels have like a mail pickup every morning. And you just take the box of stuff and say, hey, can you can you have them take this with it? And it's done. What am I going to do with a 48 ounce? Like, I mean, that's still something, even if I shipped it home. That seems like the sort of thing you do. Yeah, get that $7.

Oh, you son of a bitch. A lot of shekels, my friend. Hey, you keep talking to me like that, I'm going to mail you something. I wish. I have... We have such power over Kyle. I don't wish. I don't wish.

I don't wish. All we have to do is mail him something. I'm in California. That shit's everywhere. I know it is. Send me nothing. Yeah. Send me nothing. Well, it was fun, guys.

Yeah. Send me nothing. Well, anyway, Kenneth Copeland's a piece of shit taking advantage of cult members. That's how all those guys are. That's how all those guys are. I'm just not a big fan of religion, any religion.

Especially mine. Yours is one of the better ones, honestly. I don't think you practice or anything, but Judaism seems important. Did you hear that, Woody? We're one of the good ones. I've heard that. I'm one of the good ones. No, one of the better ones. I didn't say you practice or anything, but Judaism seems important. Did you hear that, Woody? We're one of the good ones. I've heard that. I'm one of the good ones. No, one of the better ones.

I didn't say you're good. All right, we're not good. We're just less bad. The Pope had some good ideas about y'all folks back in the day. But yeah, most religions are just fucking awful. Let's rank our most hated religions. Let's do that real quick. I'm not going to do that.

I don't think I know my religion. No, no, no. Even better. Draw the deity of the religion you hate the most. They all look like

stick figures when I do that. That's okay. Just put the name underneath. Yeah. All of them will just be I'll just it's just a blank

piece of paper. Yeah. Just be like oh look this is your conception of God I think I just figured out Kyle wants us to draw Mohammed which I guess is bad oh yeah they'll blow you they get really upset over it I don't understand why yeah I'm as sharp as a marble I don't understand

why that's so frustrating or angry intensifying because it's forbidden to depict the image of, of, uh, it's the same. It's the same reason why, why is it forbidden?

Why did, why did Jewish people write G dash D as if that somehow tricks the idea of like, well, that's not God's name. It's like, well, neither is G O D because it's in English and that wasn't the fucking

language you used. And there's no difference between, you know, using a different representation of it if you're talking about what language represents g dash d is the same thing as god but it's yahweh or it's superstition it's all superstition and it's what makes them comfortable judaism yeah you're not supposed to take the lord's name in vain and so religious jewish people do not write god they write g dash d so they're not supposed to write out the full name no no no no they're saying god but dashing the o instead maybe i don't

understand lord's name in vain can you lay this out for me i was not in a way that you understand you're not you're not supposed to say the lord's name outside of prayer that's what taking the lord's name in vain is all right basically if you are praying directly to the lord you are allowed to say the lord's name but you are not allowed to say the lord's name in a non he doesn't want in another situation yeah exactly he's like oh god that's a good line steve again we talked already today by the way uh this this is one in so in you know in these times of of coronavirus and apocalypse and stuff it has been very interesting to me to see the horrific insensitive nature of some people where like someone messaged me yeah well someone messaged me because so i used to i used to own a comedy club in ohio and they messaged me on instagram and you know we sold it years ago but

they messaged me thinking i was still the owner and saying like hey have you guys thought about having like a comedy club app where like you know patrons could come and it'd be like every comedy club is closed and most of them are going out of business right now like are you fucking stupid is closed and most of them are going out of business right now like are you fucking stupid like how do you not know this someone asked me today if they could uh someone's like hey i know this show is canceled but in case you uncancel it can i open for you like there's like the it's not slowing opportunists whatsoever it's not there's someone messaged me on linkedin like an unsolicited like business to business type of thing and i just wrote back and i said are you familiar with the phrase war profiteer and they uh they replied and said no i said it should i said it should be on your business card like the that's a good line

thank you we should be like we need and look i know everybody is trying to make a buck right now you're still trying to make a living and businesses closing down hurts that a lot for other people but at the same time like know who the fuck you're talking to and like like take a minute to think about what other people are going through before you hit them up for money you think common so comedy clubs are going out of business they don't have they can't shut the doors for a month or two and stay in business the margins look i've owned four of them. The margins are so razor thin that like we could not have afforded to, Chris Bowers, who owns some of them with me,

he used to joke that he wish, because he sees businesses all the time going into business, be like, oh, I wish we could afford to just close. Because like at a certain point, you owe so many people money that like you can't afford to just close. You have to figure out a way out of it.

You have to sell to make just enough to get out of your bills. It's a very tough industry. Live event, if you're not Live Nation, if you're not the improv, it is razor thin margins. And that's true with restaurants as well. F&B, you're talking about eking by. I mean, most restaurants close anyway. And so when you lose two months of business, that's a lot of, that's a lot of business. And especially because like the summer is the toughest time for comedy clubs, with the

exception of if you're in a vacation spot, which, you know, maybe 10 clubs are the summer is when people stop going because they do outdoor activities and so if you're going to try to recover and then suddenly you know we start recovering in may or june you're fucked i think a lot of clubs are going to be going out of business that makes i'm glad you said that it opened my eyes a bit i i am i have more experience in big companies like cisco the networking company i work for i don't know what they have in cash. Something like $40 billion, $60 billion. They're fine until May. They'll be all right.

I almost thought, I guess a lot of businesses have the cash set aside to make it for a couple of months, but not all. Not small retail. You're going to see so many things go to business. Something like four out to five restaurants fail like you said without pandemics so yeah yeah i imagine it's gonna be rough yeah absolutely and also i mean you know you take that sweet sweet podcast money buy up a couple restaurants when this is all over you'll be in good shape man yeah take that sweet podcast money you're not gonna open a very smaller amount of money because they all fail yeah just open woodies it's a series of cheers themed bars

this is a money loser tell me more yeah if you uh i i think if you and look it's true anytime there's a downturn in the economy if you are one of the people who get out of it with money, you're going to be in good shape because if you can invest when things are low, you'll be fine. And I mean, hell, when, you know, talk about margins, when I think of like where my career was just two years ago versus where it is now, like right now I'm okay. Two years ago, I'd have been terrified.

And like, I don't know, I don't know what I would have done. And so like right now I'm busy trying to help other comedians. Like when I do the live streams, I'm not taking a dollar. Everything I make on the, on those live streams, I'm giving to other comedians who are out of work. Um, the, when I think about where I, where I would have been two years ago, I don't, I mean, I can't file for unemployment. That's not how freelance works. And so like, I don't, I don't even know what I would have been two years ago i don't i mean i can't file for unemployment that's not how freelance works and so like i don't i don't even know what i would have done i would get a cookout

if you're ever gonna if you wanted to get involved with a restaurant it's cookout that is the most successful franchise i've ever seen when one of those pops into a town lines around the block everybody's blown the fuck away they can't believe how amazing it is and all the cool shit they have. It's delicious. It's amazing. The franchise fee is $35,000. Startup costs vary somewhere between $300,000 and $600,000. You have to have a cash liquidity of about $200,000

and a net worth of $400,000. It's doable. They are so successful. You lost me after the franchise fee. Our brand is super low. I wonder if you own the restaurant. Do you get to choose? It's like that Mitch Hedberg joke.

Do you get to choose which promotions you participate in? That's super duper low. I'm sorry, Steve. That's fine. I'm talking without doing any listening. It's not a good podcast attribute. But like Chick-fil-A, for example, you don't own Chick-fil-A. People think Chick-fil-A is this great business to own.

They're very profitable. The lines go around the corner. But you are not a Chick-fil-A owner. You are a Chick-fil-A operator. You buy the thing. It's cheaper than most. But you don't own it afterwards. When you buy a Subway or a McDonald's or a Wendy's, you that restaurant at chick-fil-a you just pay you're buying a job you're buying the

opportunity to run that location and then you can't sell it to somebody else it's not yours you just bought yourself a good job the fact that the cookout is so low like i wonder how their franchises really work mitch hedberg has a joke about how like you know how they say participation may vary and he wants to open up a mcdonald's and not participate in shit and just the idea we sorry we only serve spaghetti like it's it's a great i love that bit i love the idea of doing that so i today 51 republican senators voted against paid sick leave and before talking to steve i thought those evil fucks right like why everyone needs sick leave so much right now and it's like oh maybe the why is because everyone who owns any of these businesses will go under immediately

like oh if i have to pay all these people who aren't working then just close the doors yeah it needs to be i mean that needs to be like government subsidized it is amazing though that like all these people who are just like libertarian get the government out of my business and then this happens they're like hello government we why aren't you picking up the phone yes government it's me you've,000 please $1,000 yeah yeah I saw a joke on reddit today like how much does it cost to turn a

republican into a socialist $1,000 that's hilarious and just the idea like Andrew Yang must be sitting there be like but you guys made fun of me yeah yep it's right pussy but also without without yang without yang it's possible that this kind of thing would not be in the public conscious

like the idea of you know of handing people a thousand dollars might not be which by the way still i'm not for i am very much for work fair and not welfare um but i i do think that certain you know maybe some living expenses can be covered or something like that but giving someone cash to me makes no sense because people fritter away cash people spend cash in ridiculous ways i think credits would be interesting rather than cash credits like to spend on specific sectors like uh food stamps uh like food stamps but without the yeah yeah like food stamps like like food stamps but you know for clothes like clothes stamps it would be it would be like a debit card that would only work for certain things and then it'd become a black market of people buying these debit cards at a lower at a reduced cost so with for cash so the people with the

debit card to go get drugs and alcohol. Yeah, eventually. I've immediately changed my mind about my plan. Greg Giraldo has a great bit about the idea of like, oh, he's just going to spend it on booze and can you blame him? Look at his life. Can you blame him? But the thing that a lot of people

will do irresponsibly is they go, hey, we just got $1,000. We can finally take that vacation we've been wanting. That's what they're they're gonna do that's what i said at the beginning of the show that's what they're gonna do but what i'm saying is that they might take that vacation and go to mexico or thailand oh this is fuck i should have thought of it they're all gonna take the vacation to mexico mexico's economy will get great they won't want us coming over anymore they'll pay for the wall holy shit it's they'll build the wall on mexican land right they'll it's 10d chess yeah they'll finally they don't want the disease coming over maybe 11 they'll uh yeah i think actually the the the

best thing that they did in terms of trying to curb immigration is line the border with some of the shittiest states. Brilliant move. Arizona? Come on. How dare you? How dare you? The American Southwest is a gem. Which state are you standing up for right now? Have you no respect for turquoise?

Is it Texas? Dry heat. New Mexico? Dude, I went to... Was I on the show after I did the Texasxas tour i don't remember if i was there if i was on last after before i don't remember but i did did i tell you the story about laredo i don't remember we did a we did a show we did a show in laredo and our hotel was on the border like outside my window like you could see the human rights violations outside

my window um it was the tents were just below like we had a balcony that we could overlook the tents it was crazy and so a couple things one i looked that up because i was like oh my god are those the like separating families tents those are the courthouse tents so laredo only has the courthouses but the city of laredo offered the u.s government a very nice building for one dollar lease for a hundred years and they said no because they want the fucking tents because they're scary yeah i like that and so i like that it's theater the other thing is my buddy radu that uh that opened for me radu bondar um he's romanian he he grew up in romania and he so he wanted to go over to

nueva laredo and you know people were like ah it's dangerous shouldn't go he's like look i'm from the ship okay i've seen way worse like i'm from romania i'm i'll be fine and he's talking to some guy at a bar and the guy takes a puff on a cigarette doesn't even look at him looks like through him and just goes the way they will kill you is so horrific. And Ratu was just like, all right, you know what, never mind. I'm fine. You will find out what your testicles taste like. I asked someone, because I was curious too,

because we could walk over. And I was curious, and I asked someone who worked at the hotel. And I was like, hey, is it, you know, are they making it up? Is it as dangerous as they say? And she's like, you don't want to go there. And I was like, ah, but what about during the day? I'm sure it'll be fine. She goes, you don't want to go there.

And she's like, I have family there. And I was like, do you not see them? And she goes, no, no, no, I live there. You don't want to go there. I was like, oh, fuck. All right, fair enough. It's easier for them to find you in the daytime, senor. Yeah.

I have the same feeling. Go at night so you can hide. It's almost like. And by the way, it's not like it's all Mexico. It's just the border towns are fucking rough. I know. Are they really rough? Like, if I went there, would something happen?

I know, but I think Steve also shares this disbelief with me. Like, surely you can exist in these. I know. I didn't think that. But apparently in some of these border cities, not all of them, but in some of them, and Nuevo Laredo is one of them. The police force is just gone. It is just it is absolutely run by the cartels. And so they if you drive over, walking over is the safest thing you can do.

Cause if you drive over, they will lock your car in like two people drive up on the side of you, two people drive up in front and behind you and you're done. And so they do, there's a steal your car and possibly you, um, there's, it's just complete.

It's just completely run. Like those towns don't have a police presence it's have you ever been to camden new jersey it's very similar many times uh so it's uh i was born like you were born in camden yep oh my god local boy makes good and so like it is it's something where look it's you're not guaranteed to be assaulted you're not guaranteed to be mugged but the odds are pretty fucking high the the odds are like an 85 year old getting coronavirus high like it is it is rough and i didn't know any of this until because i thought it was all hyped up and then i did a lot of research when i when i was going to go over there and not only was i there but i was also uh because we did a whole tour we were in el paso which is also a border town right on the other side of juarez um and then i

was in what was the other one i was in yuma um which which has uh which is bordered i forget what the what the mexican city is on the other side, but these are all border towns. And like, I looked up all the stats. And not only that, I was on, when I was in one of them, I was on Tinder and I matched with someone on the other side of the border and she was going to come over to see the show. She's going to come over to see the show.

And she's like, I can't. And I was like, why? And she goes, cause the, she goes, cause the, and whatever the word is, I looked it up. It basically means like SUVs or whatever are out out which means like that's the criminals driving around and you know it's not safe to go out of your house yeah i was i thought you're gonna say that she wanted you to come to her and i'm like i bet that's a thing that happens that oh i'm sure they're catfishing like dudes over to come over the border and then there like, well, we have you now, senor.

Pass the check. Yeah, yeah. People have made fun of me before for saying that it seemed pretty dangerous down there. I don't think I'd want to go. I don't think I want to go. Increased risk. I'm not saying they snatch up every American because people are like, I win. It was fun. It's like, yeah, okay. All right. I'm not going though

because I'm sure a lot of people go and and they're they're kidnapped or they're dismembered or they're also people who do who do handstands on skyscrapers and they're fine and then there are some people who fell off the fucking building and i'm not willing to up my odds there's no reason yeah yeah an unnecessary risk it look look there's nothing so nice in me worth that risk. Okay. Well, one of the things I said to Radu, and I have this, this made it to a video where I was like, I don't think we should go. And he's like, why not? And I said, because this is what the American side looks like. Like, have you seen this place?

I do think, and it is weird, like Laredo, especially, I've never felt more like I was not in America while in America than in Laredo. Like Laredo may as well have been in Mexico. There was very little English spoken there. There were very, very few signs. And I mean, a couple blocks that are right by the border. You get, you know, you get five miles north and you start going to the malls and shit. It's completely different. you start going to the malls and shit it's completely different but uh i mean like the that there's like this two or three set block section of like mercato that's basically right

on the u.s side of the border that does not look like america at all um it's a fascinating place and by the way the people there couldn't have been nicer it was one of the one of the best hospitalities we got anywhere we went and there are plenty of places in Mexico that are perfectly safe right now, but the border ain't one of them. I think I've been within 30 miles, 40 miles. That's about as close as I've gotten. We were out on a ranch that was about 30 miles, I think.

I want to say that was the number of 20, 30, 40 miles, somewhere in there. That's as close as I've been. No, man. What? I asked Kyle, you haven't been to mexico what i asked kyle you haven't been to mexico no no i drove to mexico but i've been twice a long time ago so things may be different yeah i've been i've been twice um both were in like kind of resorty areas

so it's not the same but it's the mexican place right by san diego uh tijuana that's where i went to you wanna yeah um the and you know and that's that's not safe now but oddly enough tijuana is one of the safer border towns um juarez is better than it was but that doesn't mean it's good um el paso is very different because el paso is enormous city it's i think it's like the fifth most populous in texas but and so that's very different because juarez is right next to El Paso but at the same time but like if you go to so if you go to a smaller one like and that's why Laredo is so interesting because Laredo is a pretty small city and so it is mainly just a border town it's not like it's you know I mean El Paso has like a huge college and you know and

and you know fucking tons of sporting events and big concerts and shit. And that's not Laredo. It's crazy. I have paramotor friends that live near the border and they fly over it all the time like it's nothing. I'm like, I don't think you can do that. Like which part of the border? That's not legal. That's not legal at all.

But they theoretically fly over it all the time but but there's also the name senor yeah there's also the uh uh there's also that huge stretch of border it's so funny when people like build that wall there's a huge stretch of border we drove next to it for a while where it's like no one's walking over this what the fuck wall you're gonna build through these mountains man is it that hard to walk over if there are sections of the border where it is so it's just mountains and desert and like if you can get through that motherfucker i want you as part of my country if you are tough enough to get through that part absolutely you are you are tough

enough to be one of us it should be that is there should be an opening that we call the gauntlet as a way to earn your citizenship that is the path to citizenship exactly it's based on athletic ability only mountain climbing yeah and some assholes with paramotors do it easily yeah exactly yeah no that's the steroids of that hey yeah i sorry go ahead no it's funny you mentioned steroids right before i asked you you've gotten fit how'd you do that i have um i have uh i'm actually i haven't been in a bit which is frustrating because you can't go to the gym now and like i only have so much at home but i started a couple of years ago.

I actually have this system that if anybody, if anybody wants to get fit, this is a wonderful system. It's, it's like a friend of mine taught me this and I kind of modified it to make it work for me, but it basically it's gamification. And so I have, I used to think the gym was shit because I thought it was, you go there and you have to bust your ass for an hour. And that's absolutely not true. It's, you have to do a series of exercises. Once you get them done, fucking leave. And that's fine. But the real, the real key for me is that like, so whatever the exercise is,

say it's dumbbell curl or something. And like when I started my peak weight on dumbbell curl was 25 and now it's 55. And the reason for that is what I do is I do four sets. I do eight sets of the most I can do drop down a weight and do 10 sets, drop down a weight, do 12 sets, drop down a weight, or sorry, and then do 20 set, sorry, reps, not sets, 20 reps of half the first one, whatever that was. So if I started 25, my 20 rep is 12 and a half. Um, but the key is, my 20 rep is 12 and a half. Um, but the key is, is if I do those things correctly and easily twice in a row, then I have to move up weight the next time I try. And so what I do is I give myself, it's a red, green, and blue, or sorry, it's a red, green, and yellow, like a traffic light. If you can't get through that exercise, it's a red. If you can, but it's a struggle,

it's a yellow. And if you can with relative ease, ease it's a green if you do two greens in a row you do it until you do two greens in a row and then you have to move up weight and from that system i mean i was i transformed no exaggeration transformed in three months like it's it's insane it's so easy not at all my buddy taught me this thing and he showed me a couple exercises for, I have three different days. I started out six days a week. I can't do that anymore with my schedule. So now I try to do three days a week, but I do a day of back and by a day of chest and try and a day of leg and shoulders. And I have five exercises for each one. And when you finish the five, you leave.

And sometimes it takes me 25 minutes. Sometimes it takes me an hour. Just depends on how quick I can get through it that day. And if I moved up and wait. And it's, I was a scrawny motherfucker when I was, I mean, just a couple years ago, I was, here, you know what? I'll find the picture. I'll show it to you guys. It's

insane. And it was like, it's just my friend taught me and the thing is is like everybody has to find their own system that works for them whatever that is yeah i started working out let me see if the nice yeah you can see that yeah very cool i uh i started working out about two years ago and i've been doing my best to stay consistent on it. I get injured cause I'm old and I'm stupid, but that's usually what breaks my flow until I get back. I did a video a few days ago. It was like,

I did this like how to get rich in 22 years and it basically just teaches compound interest and dollar cost averaging. Your people know this. Yeah. Comedians. Yes. And I saw like my sort of like traps and shoulders compared to the video I made six years back.

And I was like, huh, actually better, you know, like, like, yeah. Oh,

me. I did like mentally. I don't like recognize any change at all, but I was like, I should watch this old one to see what's up. So I saw like video be back to back and I'm like, yeah, good. Good. But I was like, I should watch this old one to see what's up. So I saw a video of me back to back. And I'm like, yeah, good Woody. Go you.

You could recognize change so quickly. And I forever, I was like, oh, I can't do it. I don't have the physique for it. Too bad, I just wasn't born with the physique for it. No, I was lazy. I was a lazy motherfucker. And so I didn't go. By the way, what a great time to encourage people to get out there and hit the gym.

But make sure to not wipe down the machine. Um, the, but, but I really do think I got a, I get a set of those, um, uh, those Bowflex dumbbells that you could like change the weight on them. So you have like one set of them and it changes the weight. And I got, and I got a bench at home. The dumbbells were expensive, but the bench was like 50 bucks. And, uh, and like, that's all I have have right now and it's killing me because I'm much better with the machines and the free weights but at the same time like it does I mean being scrawny was such a part of my identity and it's just something I accepted and like it's it's easy and I used to think that people who talked about working out were such assholes. Then I realized, like, no, they're trying to help us. Like, they're going, hey, I saw the change in me, and I would like that for other people.

I mean, some of them are still assholes, but, you know, not all of them. Yeah. Yeah, I agree with that. Anyway, congrats. Thanks. Do you go to the gym? I have a gym. I have a home gym.

Yeah. Yeah. So I bought, like, a power rack, and i have all the i my dumbbells stop at 55 that's all i need and uh yeah and that but i think i like the calisthenics more i people say i guess i saw jocko do you know him this ex-navy seal guy is pretty popular in podcast oh yeah yeah uh he was talking about whether you whether he prefers calisthenics or free weights. And his answer was he likes both. I guess that's his thing.

My answer is, whichever one motivates you more. You know, like I used to sell bicycles and exercise equipment at the store, and I was a teenager at the time. And people would say like, should I get a stationary bike or should I get a Bowflex? Like you should get the one you like, the one that you'll use. All of these machines are good if you use them and they all suck if you don't.

Yeah. And that's where like calisthenics are more fun for me. Like if I learn a new body movement, I get a little stronger. I can hold something a little longer. That has been more satisfying between my ears than say adding five more pounds or ten more pounds to my bench press so yeah it is whatever works for you and I would say that the thing I like the most about it

is that like I'm not scared anymore really? like just the idea of well I mean look I have had getting wrestled the bad man no i have i have had people mouth off to me at shows and had like look i do some fairly combative comedy sometimes and like there was

always there was always an element of like well i this audience better help me if shit pops off and that's still true but at the same time like there is the thing i think the thing i like most about it is the the quiet confidence of like if someone on social media is an asshole and is like oh this pussy motherfucker i can just smile and know that i'm twice that person's size no you need a gun like i want to see a comedian i want to see a comedian with a gun on stage. That's a shortcut. Yeah. What you do is you start out and you just be like,

oh, let me just do some of these. You know what? Give me a second. And you just put it on the stool and don't address it. And then just do your set. Just wear it. Just wear it like a cowboy. And just don't even mention it.

Don't even mention it. Yeah. Maybe throw some spurs in too. You know? Come out with that wide stance. Like real wide uh hipped and your arms out to the side just i feel like you're really getting into this character yeah so if you can tell i just yeah i just think it's it's nice yeah it's nice for people to have

uh you know for people to have confidence and you know and so much especially you know i'm 40 years old so it's you know especially for you know for anyone listening who's like you know who's on the you know the getting older side and any anyone my side of 30 uh you know who hasn't started doing this yet fucking start doing it you'll see a change in a couple of months it'll be it's remarkable but maybe start in like a month or two when gyms are open again california governor issues a statewide stay-at-home order to residents there tonight due to the coronavirus pandemic. Telling them only to leave their

houses when absolutely necessary. Is that 100% like you have to or a request? Well, I interpret it as absolutely necessary as up to the reader. It says California right now. Hold on. It's trending on Facebook.

California. Mandatory stay at home order. Hell, you think didn't mention it during the show. For how long? Oh, shit. I just read it as it was. Yeah, I'm reading this on Twitter. Hey, guys, I gotta go and figure this out. Really?

Oh, you're not home right now? No, I'm home,, I gotta go and figure this out. Really? Oh, you're not home right now? No, I'm home, but I gotta figure out and make sure everybody else I care about is as well. And exactly when this kicks in and etc. I'll tell you what they're not gonna do. Maybe logically think this out.

They're not gonna round up everybody who's out and take them to one area. They're gonna be like, hey, hey, hey. There's only 13 minutes left in the show. Do you need to leave early? not going to round up everybody who's out and take them to one area you know what i mean they're gonna be like hey hey there's only 13 minutes left in the show do you need to leave early uh no i guess i could i i'm fine all right yeah yeah yeah we live in interesting interesting times i i really like that theory that uh we have branched off from our prime timeline. You know, kind of like the DC universe has like their main universe.

I can't remember which world it is. They number them like these three digit numbers. Like it's like Earth 626 or something. But then there are all these other universes that where things are wacky. There's a universe where everybody is a werewolf. Everybody. And, you know, there's all these wackadoo universes where things are slightly different or completely different.

Little known side effect of the coronavirus. Everyone becomes a werewolf. God, I wish. And, but yeah, I think like the Donald Trump thing and we are in one of the, we are in a rare slice, I think. we are in a rare slice I think there aren't too many other universes where everything that's happened here also happened except

you know except now we're all left handed instead of right handed you know what I mean the difference is minor but all the other big stuff happened it's just we're in a very rare universe I believe I do believe in multiple universes

by the way I looked it up and It's just we're in a very rare universe. I believe I do believe in multiple universes. By the way, I look I looked it up and like you're still allowed to go out and eat, go to the bank, go to the gas station, stuff like that. I assume so. It's just. Yeah. It's not a curfew per se. Yeah. Which is funny because like today, I'm really glad I did this today.

I drove to I drove to like a park because I was like, I can go to a park by myself and just like get the fuck out of the house and i went to uh franklin canyon which is like a really nice like reservoir thing like a wooded area and i could walk around by myself did you feel like that's a way to do this breaking a rule a little bit like you weren't supposed to be out there or is that a little bit a little bit but i think that like knowing that i wasn't touching anything that i was you know you know people i walked by normally i would not say hi to anybody but i'm a lot more polite during this thing because i'm just like hey this is you know we're all in this together kind of thing and so like someone walked by me on the path who would like you know walk far apart from each other just say say hello, you know, and keep walking.

Yeah. I don't know. Somehow I feel like there's killer bees out there that I'm supposed to be in here playing Escape from Tarkov. Yeah. I mean, that's important. I will say flights to Italy are super cheap right now, though. So if you want to plan a vacation. Hell yeah.

I was going to go to Italy this month. Yeah. Well. Just see the world you know i was gonna go to swoon in july that sounds like a wild place i want the bat soup i gotta say by the way the um so the last show i did and like god help me if i can't do another show for another couple months because the last live show i did you know i came back from the tour and the tour was great and then last tuesday um i had a show at this uh it was like a charity show at this cancer center and usually it's pretty

full you know it seats about 50 people and like they come out it's a very nice show for the residents except because people were already scared a lot of people weren't coming out because it was already at the point where like they're the most susceptible and so i get there and i know the host and i see the host in the hallway and i go hey man how are they and he goes well their names are gina ed rosie and like he just named five people and i was like oh fuck and so it was literally five people uh and that's the last show that's the last uh like live show i did is it harder to do a show with five we talked about how like trevor noah so much harder so much harder it's when people say like oh you know for like a big show oh you nervous you're doing a theater of 400 people you nervous i'm like no that's the easiest show I'll do.

The tough show is when there's five people. Because here's the thing. If one person doesn't find you funny, that's 20% of the fucking crowd. So I'm like, each person is an individual. I used to feel that way about tests with four questions. Like, oh, if I don't know one thing, I'm fucked. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, one thing, you get a bad grade. things you fail yeah it's the same same kind of thing um yeah imagine if like one of the two

of the people were a married couple if they have a shared experience that means that renders a joke not funny to them suddenly you've all you've got 40 of the crowd not laughing yeah they were sweethearts, but man, that was rough. We actually, with a live stream, we play to more people than that show, like in the live chat feedback,

right? So no, that's what we do. That's what we do. We have, I mean, same thing we're doing right now. What we do is we have three hosts.

So it's myself, Ben Glebe and Chris Bowers. We will have like a special guest um so that could be a famous comedian or it could be just a famous person um and then we'll have three comedians that'll come in and leave then we'll have 10 audience members we use zoom so that we can accommodate you know 20 windows okay and how much does it cost is that like a premium version of of that zoom is i think zoom was like 20 bucks or something it's hardly anything what's the video audio quality like uh it's decent it's

not it's not this but also people don't have setups at their home like the what i'm doing now when we were like sound checking before the show and you were like no move the mic closer and blah blah blah like this is probably way better than I've sounded on any of those live streams because most people are just on their phone. Yeah, because we do this weekly or this monthly hangout with our fans. They sign up on Patreon, and they pay, I think, $50 a month. And then we do a whole get-together, and we do it for four hours to accommodate the fact that sometimes we reach our room limit,

which is like a dozen or 15 or something like that and uh but it would be nice to be in a service where like dude zoom zoom can do like 200 people i think that's crazy yeah i very i very much i very much recommend it uh i wouldn't want that no no no no i mean you can cut it off whenever the fuck you want yeah if you're performing it's different because like they're yeah hey it'd be It'd be interesting to if they try to heckle you, you're just like, hang up. Yeah, exactly. I did VR shows for years

and it was so funny because someone would come in and just yell something and we had a moderator and that person would be out before the sentence finished. I couldn't even have the, what did you say, man? I couldn't even have that. It was just like, well, that person dressed as a dinosaur is gone like it would just be they would just be kicked and on this though they're beating it or anything

uh i mean in vr sure i'm sure they were doing they were on camera oh on camera no no no but we also you can't come on camera unless you buy a ticket we used to you have to pay yeah you'd have to pay 10 bucks on xbox live you can play uno and uh you can you have your face cam like even on x i had the webcam for the xbox live so me and my friends were all looking at each other playing uno

and i don't remember how many people you can have in a room but it seemed like a real hangout for degenerates because like some it'd be like a new window would pop in and it would buffer for a second. And then do jerking off. And you're just like, come on, we're playing Uno.

This is an actual roulette, not chat roulette. This is just regular roulette. Um, I, yeah, I, I'm sure there are,

I'm sure there are terrible degenerates, but at the same time, you know, tickets to this do cost money. So I'm at least hoping that we don't run into that. And if we do, they're not just going to pop in because people come in before we start.

We tend to talk to them and they seem to be real sweethearts. And the fact of the matter is, my fans are nerds just like me. So anyone who finds me funny is probably a nerd because I'm a nerd. You guys have some fucking monsters who watch this show. But for the most part, I have some real sweet kids.

I have a question. So I've been watching, I'm bad with names, Nikki Glaser. Does that sound right? Nikki's super funny, yeah. Yeah, I like her. She was saying that comedians don't like specials, that she doesn't like watching people's specials. She almost feels like it's a chore,

like doing homework. So she's educated on someone's special. Do you feel like that? I think it depends on who's like, definitely when Chappelle's special came out, I was like, okay, I have to watch this.

This isn't the zeitgeist. And I would enjoy it. But usually the way I watch a special, because I don't have a ton of time to like sit there and watch it, I'll play the audio in my car while I'm driving. So I can just kind of catch up on what someone's doing. But there are so many specials out now that it's part of why it feels like a chore is you'll never catch up.

You don't feel obligated like, you know, in case you bump into this person to have seen their special. No, I mean, I try of my one of my close friends she's like a little sister to me i love her to death taylor tomlinson brilliantly talented her netflix special dropped march 3rd it is getting critical acclaim people love it this is going to change her career, assuming, you know, the world still exists in a month. But she I have not seen the special in its completion yet because I just I've been running around the live stream thing. I was touring before that. I've seen a bunch of clips from it and I would love to sit there and watch the whole thing. And I have seen the material before. So it's not like I'm going to be surprised by anything because I saw her prep for it.

But like this is one of my close friends and I haven't gotten a chance to see it yet. It's just something that like, you know, some people will sit there and watch hours and hours of comedy and I'd rather write. OK, and in the other way, you're not offended at all if the comedian hasn't seen your stuff. No, not at all. I mean, I have like I get around with some of my friends sometimes where like one one of my buddies we were on tour with was like hey you should give me a copy of your book so i can read it i was like the one that's been out for a year you want a copy of that one you haven't read the one that's been out for a year um but at the same time like that i'm just

giving them shit and i'm almost surprised when my friends watch my stuff because it's kind of them and i appreciate it but it's not for them like they're not my demo i used to make one or two youtube videos every single day and i had mixed feelings on watching other people's youtube videos because sometimes i'd want to be abreast of what's happening in the community and and such other times it'd be like after i watch a couple of other people's videos every idea i have for a video is now stolen or taken or like it almost cuts into my own inspiration because it's yeah but at the same time i mean it can on one hand it can be like all right i shouldn't talk about this um on the other hand i you can you can also see what people are talking about and try not to.

Like one of the things we tell the people on the stream is like, hey, don't do five minutes on coronavirus. Everyone is like, just do your set. You know, people want to forget about this right now. So it does help to be aware of what's going on. But at the same time, like you also don't want to have, you know, cryptomnesia like we talked about before. So, you know, watch it as entertainment. But I always recommend comedians when they're starting out. Look, once you find your voice, do what you want.

But when you're on your way to finding your voice, watch as much as you can. And don't just watch good comedy. Watch bad comedy and figure out why you don't like it. So that way you can avoid being that. It's inspiration for not being shitty cool yeah yeah my uh my air buds are uh or air pods or whatever my air buds my uh my my basketball playing dog is running out of battery so just a heads up yeah kyle yes sir old school cowboy guns were like side loading you know what i'm talking about like yeah the thing didn't so yeah some of the revolvers uh you have a little thing you flick to the side to expose the the back of the cylinder

and you roll through one at a time click click click and you take the cartridge out one at a time too like i guess you pop it yeah um you open it again and there's a ramrod that's under the barrel that's spring loaded and you just press it down as you turn the cylinder click click click click they still make those that sounds cool yeah yeah uh my dad has one i believe the ruger super black hawk is like that. And maybe the Redhawk. I get them confused sometimes. Very cool pistol.

Yeah, I like those a lot. Yeah, I'll Google real quick and I'll tell you. Yeah, I like that. It's fun. Great. It turns out I think I might be a bit of an impractical gun lover. You know? out i think i might be a bit of a impractical gun lover you know i like lever actions a ton when semi-auto would be better in every way i can think of um and i think i like that weird

cowboy style loading and unloading i don't know it seems cool to me uh well here you go this is the this is the pistol that i that i have experience with i'm not saying it's the best or or anything like that but they're fucking cool um uh his is in 44 magnum and uh i actually i prefer the super soaker 100 if you're talking guns i think i want the 50s too small i like the impractically long barrel that's what he always gets is the impractically long barrel yeah that's my nickname in high school yeah the one there that's 830 bucks with a 10 and a half inch barrel i would say that is the one he has i think i even like it and is that called blue steel the black yeah blued yeah um yeah i prefer that that's exactly how he has he does not have the stainless steel model i believe he has the stainless steel model of the Red Hawk, which is a double action revolver that a cylinder comes out the side. So you can you can load all the bullets at once and you can eject them all at once.

Very cool. Yeah, those are cool. I'm pretty sure that I could be. No, no, I'm right. Yeah, I can see that. I can see the little thing that flicks over now. He's got two of them that do this and the other one's a Smith & Wesson. But yeah, I'm like 98% sure that I'm all right about everything I said there. I haven't played with that thing in years.

I just thought I'd ask. You mentioned cowboy guns and I was like, those are neat. I like that. I like cowboy guns too. Yeah, the old Colts. I really like the uh the semi-automatic pistol from the boardwalk empire that uh dharmady always carried around uh i think it was such a fun show that for the first season it was great second season it's like all right i'm still with you after that i'm like all right i like the guy with the the like phantom of the

opera mask he's the only thing that makes it worth watching. Oh yeah, he was Richard. He was a great character. Yeah, he was excellent. But after, spoiler alert, that main character gets killed off, it's like, ah, shit. I did not like the way that that ended.

I didn't either. Because he was just as big a part of the show as Buscemi. Yeah. That pulls me in. Well, we've reached our four hours. If you check on your loved ones.

Yep, check on your loved ones. I'm the only one in California right now. We appreciate having you on the show. We're going to link all your stuff down there where they can go and check out your YouTube channel. When is the live stream thing going to occur? Live stream happens every

5 p.m. Pacific except for Mondays and Thursdays. We have those days off. Tomorrow a special guest is going to be Sean Doolittle from the Nationals. Then Tuesday a special guest is going to be Arian Foster who from the Nationals and then Tuesday special guest is going to be Arian Foster who your viewers know very well my friend in New York. You want to give Sean a hard time

about the World Series debacle? No, he's on the Nationals. They won. I'm going to thank him for defeating the Astros. No, he's on the Nationals. They beat the Astros and as a Mets fan normally we would be rooting against the Nationals but God bless them for taking down the evil empire we had no idea yeah very cool

all right well um i think that's it that's it thanks everybody pka 483