Painkiller Already - Painkiller Already #487

Episode Date: April 26, 2020

In this week's PKA, we've got a killer episode for you because our pal Dick Masterson AND radio legend himself, Anthony Cumia are BOTH on this episode of PKA and it's amazing. The guys talk about Anthony and rehab, as well as what he's like and what he's been doing during his quarantine over in New York and of course, the guys let him go on about his terrible father and the upbringing Ant had. Dick stays for the full show to flesh everything out with his hilarious ass, and... well enough reading, just watch this episode because it's incredible. Now!

pka episode 487 two guests today dick dan masterson and anthony kumia kyle a couple of sponsors tonight express vpn and goat.com we'll get to them later in the show but yeah it should be a good one there it is 11 seconds into the good stuff that's how long it shouldn't take five minutes two of the most popular fuckers you've ever had on and it's been a hot minute since we've spoken to mr kumia less so for dick but anthony it looks like you're in a totally different place, or are you just in a different room of your estate this time? Are you in a steakhouse right now, Anthony?

Yeah. Steakhouse. Yeah, yeah. It's not like you're in a Roots Chris right now. A nice steakhouse. It's the sizzle. Is that a diploma behind you? A million dollar locker of meat back there boys check it out

what is that framed thing behind your head it's it's definitely not a diploma okay trust me on that one uh i i think it's it's a piece of artwork like one of those uh oldie time castles from england or something i did not decorate this room This is my office and I just said I want it to look like Don Corleone's office, kind of dark wood, very oldie time. So that's what they did.

I don't know. The lights that my girlfriend streams her playing Sims. So that's like her thing. Bunch of lights. I lights i mean i'm sure isn't that game a little too old for her yeah yeah she's actually been playing that goddamn animal crossing when she was 12 also during animal crossing to move furniture around while you're playing?

I made the mistake of trying to play her game. And she goes, hey, can you just go in there and move some furniture around? I said, no. That wouldn't fly in real life. It doesn't fly in the game. The music will drive you nuts because a lot of times I'll just sit on the couch in the living room and she'll play on the regular living room television. And you'll hear the music. And it's just this monotonous acoustic guitar kind of thing,

and it drives you crazy. And I don't know how she plays it. It looks boring as all hell. Dude, my wife and daughter are addicted to Animal Crossing. They're playing it all the time, right? And they tell me these stories about Animal Crossing and they give me tours of their virtual museum, their new saber-toothed

tiger, the bass and mackerel and whatever. And their stories are not good. Like my stories about Escape from Tarkov and my Bitcoin generation, which I'm sure is compelling. Dude, that is so true. I have to take tours of the the aquarium

it was so big and i'm like and then she's got to walk through the aquarium yes that has the big fish i thought the tour was over and then comes the turtle section there's nothing there's nothing worse than getting two minutes into a chick story and being like oh there's not gonna be a punchline there's not gonna be a twist that's funny it's just your turtle habitat interpersonal problems that she has with other islanders who are fake no no no, no. I'm not hearing work stories about fake computer people in her purse. She's like,

oh yeah, I talked to her today and she was very rude with me. I'm like, bitch, that's a fucking computer program. A literal NPC. It's just programmed to give one of five feedback options. I don't think I'll be playing that game. That seems to be causing a lot of frustration for some men

the Animal Crossing stories in this quarantine are any guys playing this game? I'm sure they are I've heard enough about the game that it must be huge if I was single I think I'd pick up Animal Crossing that's where the chicks seem to be and you can go to other people's islands

it is an interactive kind of thing. It's a little lame, though, because you're not really interacting much. You just go to their island and do what you would do on your own island while they're standing there. Is this just Farmville again? Yeah, yeah. It's another one of those type of addictive crack-like level-up things. Yeah, that's definitely not my type of game. Anthony, you've been playing some VR.

What's that VR game that everybody's loving? Oh my god, Alex. The Half-Life VR kind of sequel, if you want to call it that. I loved Half-Life when it first came out. That was in 1998-99. I got a computer just to play that game and it was life-changing for me. I named my company Half-Life Incorporated. That's my company's name because I just thought it was one of the most amazing things I'd ever seen. And then it dropped off the face of the earth. They didn't come up with a really good sequel. They had some kind of add-ons and whatnot. I liked some of the other multiplayer games

that came out of the Half-Life world, but nothing. And then this Alyx game comes out in VR. Now, I've been playing VR since the original Oculus. Like, you were a guinea pig for Oculus. You had to sign a disclaimer thing that said you wouldn't talk about it. And you had to change code in the games in order to even play it on VR. And it was very complicated, but I thought the potential was there. And then when they got a little more consumer friendly,

you really saw the potential, but they hadn't gotten there yet. This game really said, oh shit, they figured out VR and how to incorporate games into a virtual reality kind of world. Because a lot of games don't translate well to VR. VR is a lot of experiences. Hey, you want to see what it feels like to be on a mountain or, you know, throw some darts at something, but it's not a real game. This is a game. It's immersive. It feels like you're, you're in it. And, uh, the weapons work great. The interface is, uh, is better than any other VR interface I ever played. I was totally shocked by it. They, again, valve like knocked it out of the park. I was going to ask which headset do you have? Which do you have which uh which i have all of them yeah i've got the original i do i got the original vibe and i remember having to alter config files and stuff to make everything look right for for various games yeah you'd have to shove a shitload of stuff in notepad and then

find that one little line and then put it back in it was it was not an easy thing it wasn't consumer friendly that's for sure um oculus has done well with uh what's their standalone version where there's no wires yeah quest quest is pretty good but um at this point you still really need like a monster system yeah yeah i've got a decent computer i'm thinking about upgrading just because of that game it's felix right um half-life felix alex alex okay yeah because everybody i know who's played it is just raving about it just like you just did they talk about how amazing it is and they don't want to spoil the story because i guess the story is so fun and yeah the story is great it's it's um they don't do here's what vr was doing for a long time to just jump scares like.

Yeah. And I get it. It's hilariously funny. Like when you're walking through a hallway, a dark hallway in a creepy game in VR, there's something really visceral about your fear. It's not like when you're looking at a monitor, a monitor, you could go like this and you're not looking at it anymore. Yeah. When you know something's behind you in a VR game, you don't want to turn around because it's there, and you'll see it, and it'll scare the shit out of you. Have you ever played the Brookhaven experiment?

No. It's what you just described. You don't move around a lot. You're kind of just in one area, but there's enemies coming at you. It's super dark. Your flashlight has 20 seconds of battery. The flashlights are the worst!

You've got a pistol and a flashlight, and the flashlight has 20 seconds of battery, maybe. And there's one level where you're in a sewer, and so there's east and west pipe, a north and south pipe, and one that's straight up. And spiders are crawling toward you the size of volkswagens

it's legitimately scary kyle is that the one where you were talking about this a couple years ago and you're like yeah i uh i kind of fucked up my hand i walked must have walked to the corner of my wall and i hit it real hard with the wand in it i got so scared of the spider took most of the skin off my knuckles fucking punching a fucking wall yeah the way the way you get completely turned around in vr too because i'll be reaching for something and hit something and i won't even know what it and punching a fucking wall. The way you get completely turned around in VR too, because I'll be reaching for something and hit something and I won't even know what it is. I'm like, wait, I'm facing my computer monitor.

And then you realize you're halfway across the room hitting like a vase. You don't know where you are. It really does screw up with your senses. It's fucking cool. I'm looking forward to where it is in 10 years like it's yeah yeah really good now in 10 years like maybe we're just fucking plugging a jack into our fucking ear we're in like the plasma screen technology of vr it's gonna get

so much better so quickly yeah well the good thing about is that like exercise like are you sweaty afterwards are you like how much work is it that's another thing they did really well you could literally play the game sitting down or you could be standing um there's different and i like this they did different ways of using the interface to move so you could use the uh little joystick on the the hand controller as a way to move. Or you could do the transport where you pick a spot on the floor, hit, and you're instantly there. They have one where you snap.

They have one where you gradually go. And it's all to try to contain that motion sickness that a lot of people feel with the VR. I get that with flying games, which I love. I mean, when you're in a battle, in a fighter, and you turn the plane,

and you're looking at an enemy over your shoulder like this, you start just getting nauseous instantly. Your body is saying, no, this doesn't jive. My inner ear and my eyes aren't mixing together, so I'm going to make you vomit. What would Dramamine would help? Like, say, if you took something specifically for motion sickness before you play i only got it a

few times like motion sickness from playing the game and if i played for like an hour and a half two hours especially with something where i'm really moving around i don't know there was some game where there's just targets flying at you continuously you're literally ducking and jiving and juking and shooting and stuff. And that's what another good thing. That's why I'm saying this game put it in a whole nother category because they, it's not one of these just run and gun games where, yeah,

that big heavy thing on your head. Isn't conducive to a real first person shooter. Like, like playing modern warfare on it would be insane. You'd be sweating. The thing would be falling off your face. It's very story-oriented, Alex. And the scenery is all beautiful.

So it's not like in between the action, you're bored. It really works well in that respect. The action is great. It's more of a strategic game than you would think, more so than a shooter. And those are really conducive to having that thing on your head uh the whole time yeah i've been thinking very seriously about upgrading to the the latest vibe whatever it is the index or something i don't even know what

it's called anymore i'm the only bitch in this call that doesn't have any of them i need to get on no i'm with you yeah i don't have, I thought you had one for some reason. No? All right. Thank you, Woody. That makes me feel better. Dick, I didn't hear your words. I said the VR porn will change your life, Taylor. You got to get on that right away.

That seems like, how am I going to go back to the real thing after that? It seems too good. You can't even. You can't. I have my hood on all the time while we're having a drink. I just say, honey, I'm answering emails over here. Don't worry. I saw that Tommy Tanaka was filming a VR shoot and I walked

the next, I put my phone away and the next thing I knew I was in Best Buy buying one. Who is doing the shoot? Hitomi? Don't pretend like you don't know who I'm talking about. I don't know who you're talking about. Guys, but I know it's probably a Japanese girl with big tits, right? Yes. Unicorn. Yeah. talking about guys but i know it's uh probably a japanese girl with big tits right yes unicorn yeah all right you know that must be a pretty good

you're welcome yeah the porn is really kind of kind of frightening it's uh uh, they, they, the, the, the girl will come up to you and kind of whisper in your ear something. And between the audio and the visual, and it's so 3d, you can't describe VR to somebody. It's like trying to describe a color. Uh, but, but,

and you can't show it on a monitor. Like you can, uh, when you Twitch a game, it just doesn't work. Uh, when you're wearing that hood and you're immersed in it

and there's a girl in front of you like that, it is just a weird experience. It feels very strange, like very realistic. There was some clip I saw of a guy complaining about the VR porn. And apparently his complaint was like, the ratios are all off.

Nothing looks like real sex. And like, it was a screen cap of what was happening. And it was like the, the naked woman like walking towards him. And she looked like she was 11 feet tall. And he was like staring. Is there integration between it and something like an auto blow?

Because that's where you want to be. You want to see it and feel it and see it. Right, right. You have to do something like that. I think the real future of it is that a couple will be able to track each other's movements but just have a different body in front of you.

So if you wanted to have sex with with a celebrity that person is now your significant other and you get the feel aspect of it unless you know they're really wide what does it matter if i eat another box of cheese you're gonna fuck antonio banderas i feel like i'm getting cucked by chris helmsworth in this situation but i think that would that would be a logical progression to the uh porn where, you know, a couple can play together. Imagine how many relationships that would destroy. All the wreckage. There's a brick of society falling apart.

You can't even take the hood. You're just disgusted. You wear on the hood to breakfast. Try and come in and lie to your girlfriend about watching porn. You still got the rings no i told you i'm getting real you're buying like decoy telescopes and things oh bitch i'm looking at the big dipper i'm not beating off the big titty japanese girls if you lived in that world long enough you could start believing it was the real thing and then

there'd be that moment of oh no, no, what have I done? There's this really funny bit where the guy wakes up and it's clear he's drinking all night. He wakes up in another woman's bed and he looks and she's huge. And he's just like, oh, he gets up and like sneakily puts his pants on. He's like sneaking down the stairs. And then a bunch of kids run up to him and go daddy daddy daddy and he looks up the stairs and the woman's there she's like what's wrong honey why are you up so early and he goes all right then this is my life and he looks at

the wall there's pictures of him with that woman and the kids he's really he's just like memento he's got little things everywhere. Yeah. This pig is your wife. Imagine being that actress. Then he kills himself in the garage. Being that actress or that actress's real-life husband must be awful. Like, is no one else thinking about this? I didn't consider that.

Like, that would really crush my feelings. I always wonder about that, like, when you go in for a casting call and they're like, we want a really ugly guy. Or we want, like, you know, eight guys are in a waiting room. Like, who are you trying out for? I'm here for the hideous crackhead rapist man. Oh, yeah, well, you're going to get it. I guarantee it. You're a human.

That's a common thing, though. It's trading your dignity for fame and fortune i used to do that's porn welcome to the show that's porn you used to do commercials dick yeah i used to do commercial auditions like that and there would be the line of fat guys and fat girls but like every other part i would go into someone would sit there and explain to me what like a pompous jackass jerk my character was supposed to be every time they're like they're like oh no you get this guy he's like a real asshole like you know people just want to punch him in the face i'm like yeah i know i understand why i'm here you don't need to tell me what i look like we did a lot like that dr phil guy

we did a commercial for the opie and anthony show years ago when we got uh syndicated and uh it was us me and opie in a a clothing store with a big fat girl that she says something like uh does this does this dress make me look fat? And I said, no, your big ass makes you look fat. And she was fat. And everyone on the set was really nice to her and sweet. And you try to make her feel like, this is not really real. You're beautiful.

They tried to fake her out. She was like a plus size model too. So it's like her face was so pretty. But you know. In theory it would be. The telltale sign of a fat bitch. Her face is so pretty. She's so pretty in the face.

When food isn't being shoved in it. If you take a photo that ends here. Oh. You could die for it. There's so much of it. It's so beautiful. There's so much to love. can't i'm throwing stones in the glass house right now oh yeah taylor's like oh yeah you just showed this part of you oh you mean my pka video strategy sure i'm familiar with it yeah

it used to be uh what was that called like my MySpace voodoo, they would call it. MySpace angels, maybe, right? Or angles, I forget. Yeah, yeah. It was like always up and it would be like one of those things. Oh, sure. And you just knew what the reality was. The fact that you called it MySpace angles is evident of how long you've been doing this.

Yeah, yeah. I was going to hope you didn't think i thought that was the in thing all the kids were doing yeah uh but it was from from myspace myspace voodoo and stuff oh god that whole fucking thing with uh the glittery sparkly graphics and and when things would start playing when you got up how did how did facebook friends make it and myspace just disappeared myspace was the thing right myspace is auto playing music that was always terrible and like the moving paneled backgrounds it was genuinely disorienting to go to a friend's page where you're like i'm gonna say hi to ted no i'm not oh i'm gonna oh yeah you get like a epileptic seizure watching

someone's page oh wow that same rage that same Rage Against the Machine song. You sure are edgy. It's interesting when these entrenched guys lose their spot. Sorry. It's cool. I think eBay has, too. eBay kind of got replaced by Craigslist, and now Facebook ads is the place to go

if you want to do classifieds. I feel like the real nail in the coffin for eBay was Amazon. Like, them blowing up to where people are eventually like, you know what? I don't want to bid ons i feel like the real nail in the coffin for ebay was amazon like them below yeah to where people are eventually like you know what i don't want to bid on shit unless it's like some world war one memorabilia i just want to pay for my shit and get it shipped to me i can't remember the last time i used ebay i i use it occasionally like if i'm looking for something kind of cool or nifty i don't know something antique like i bought this lighter a while back um i don't know. I just wanted a weird antique lighter.

Steampunk looking. Yeah, exactly. I don't know. I go on there occasionally. eBay has odd items for me. I think I bought a replacement part to my stove on it. I guess it's just real easy to list weird things there and it worked. You're a madman.

I'm wild and crazy over here stove parts you gotta you gotta get the broiler working again but yeah so anyway i guess there's a lot of different things list there's more skews on ebay than you can get maybe on amazon but uh by and large i feel like it's dying yeah yeah but what's more just for unique shit. Does it have a ton of overhead? Will it die? I guess is my question. It seems like it's just Well, it doesn't have nearly as much

My understanding is it doesn't have nearly as much overhead as Amazon because Amazon has distribution centers. Mostly eBay is individual third parties selling direct direct. Yeah, that's why I think it'll just go forever. Yeah, it'll go forever.

It just won't be that lucrative. It's a cash cow. It seems to me that Amazon is like Walmart, whereas eBay is a yard sale. It's like a yard sale. It's somebody's yard sale. Years ago, I wanted to clean out a room in my basement, and I told my girlfriend, I was like, everything in this room, put it on ebay you get 30 and she goes through like 10 years of video

games and games and dvds that i'm never gonna watch again taking pictures and she sold it all in like a month or two thanks yeah yeah that's the uh that's the play because i i did the same thing with uh keith the cop he's uh my producer for my show, and he's a retired NYPD lieutenant. And so he's got all the time in the world, and I tell him all the time, hey, put that on eBay, and you keep 10%, 20%, whatever it is. And I've sold so many things. When I was fired but still getting paid under my contract for two years, I got into all kinds of hobbies that ended the second I got a job.

Really? All that shit went on eBay, radio control, helicopters. This is before quadcopters and drones, whatever you want to call them these days. But this was like real helicopters that you had to learn how to fly. They weren't autonomous at that time. It was really hard to do. I bought ones that had literally jet engines, like those little jet engines.

And you'd fire it up. It smelled like LaGuardia Airport and just sounded. It was loud and I loved it. And then they all just became paperweights. Everything becomes a paperweight. It was the early 2000s that you guys got let go yeah yeah this time and you're still making so you just pretty much just got into a bunch of random shit and immediately forgot about it when you got hired yeah that was just a bunch

of trash sitting around i had so much time to do nothing and i was getting paid it was it was the most lucrative contract we signed as as the opiate Anthony show. And then after one year of a three-year deal, they fired us, but yet still paid us for the two years. Yeah. But said we couldn't work. What was that like? They held us to our deal. It was the greatest. It wasn't stressful.

It didn't hurt your feelings. You were just thrilled. The only thing that upset me and Opie was the fact that we couldn't work. And in broadcasting especially at that time there wasn't podcasting and anything if you were out of the game you you had to worry about being forgotten uh and then you know after the two years you might come back and no one wanted you thank god we had satellite radio to go go to at the time but for those two years dude it was going down to Atlantis, gambling, buying anything I wanted.

It was just a crazy time. And I paid for it because it was just like smoking, drinking, sitting, playing video games, gambling. I think I aged 15, 20 years in that two years. This is fascinating to me. Emotionally, were you in a down place compensating or just living your perfect life? It was both. For a moment, the trouble is no matter where you are,

you're still there. You're you. You're there. So I always had that kind of feeling like, oh, shit, am am i ever gonna work again because you know you have a couple have sex at saint pat's cathedral no one really wants you i mean didn't you have thoughts where you were like damn in two years i might have to be an hvac guy again oh god no they had paid us plenty. That wasn't even an option.

I'll own the truck this time around at least. Thank God. When I was in prison, I was looking for anything and everything to read because that's how I wanted to spend my time. I don't want to get mixed up with the rough crowd in there or raped. So I spent all of my time reading. I read a dozen books and uh and i would talk on the prison phone occasionally to to various people in my life and one of them was chiz you know the guy who runs uh like the background of the show and uh and i was like yeah any books that you think would be good fucking send them to me they'll search them for contraband and then i'll get

them a day later dude if you would have been in that prison for two more months, it would have been like, yeah, that's Kyle, but they call him the professor. Pretty much. Man, you want to know about Harry Potter? I read the whole Harry Potter series. I'm not going to lie. All the way through. It took me a week. But he sent me your book, and I hadn't read it previously. I burnt through it in maybe three days or something like that, two or three days.

I fucking loved it. Oh, great, man. Your book is awesome. Whenever we do Audible Reads, I often recommend your book. I've been permanently canceled, right? Permanently suspended. I had to record the whole thing for the audio book. It's a lot harder than you'd think.

audio for the audio book, it's a lot harder than you'd think. When you're talking, you just talk, but you don't notice every little mistake you make as you're just having an uh or an um or something. When you do that, you can't really have those pauses like that. That would be not good.

I had to do it. Then I realized I could drink a few beers and really be good. Then one beer later and you're terrible like anything bowling darts rope yeah yeah yes you gotta hit that curve it's perfect was it hard to stay one of my do you want to go yeah i want to say one of my favorite parts of the book and i think this goes back to when you were during that two-year period where you couldn't work maybe you went to a resort or to a vacation or something with a, with a lady and, uh, you stayed

like a week or two and she was like, wow, that was great. And you're like, get downstairs with your bags. You're ready to leave. And you're like, wait a fucking minute. Why the fuck would I go home? You know what? Roll it back. Let's do it in was two weeks in atlantis down in the bahamas and yeah just wheeling out checking out i was literally checking out and then thinking like what am i going home to you know you start thinking you get on the plane you go home you land you drive to the back to the house and then like go ah yeah i'm thinking of all that thinking why am i doing this and then i just told the person at the desk, can I get another two weeks? They said, yeah.

I was like, all right, bags back up. A month in Atlanta was amazing. My favorite part of the book is when your mother sends you to go stay with your dad for a few months. And your mother sends you to go stay with your dad for a few months. And when it's time to come back, I don't remember where you're coming back from. It's like you're coming from Southern California to maybe New Jersey, right? To New York, yeah, yeah. To New York.

Long trip. So your mom sends enough money for a bus ticket. A plane ticket. No, my mom sent two actual plane tickets. She said, here it is, two plane tickets for me and my brother to go from... My father cashed in the plane tickets, bought two Greyhound bus tickets, and shoved us on a bus from LA to New York City.

And it was a traumatic trip. Yeah. We wound up right off the bus in New York city. Cause this was 1978, something like that. And right off the bus, we got arrested for being runaways. They thought we were going to be 10 minutes later,

I just came from New York. They thought we were going to be child prostitutes or something. Yeah, my mom was pissed. My dad had to buy some big jumbo Budweiser's. That's understandable.

He did get you laid though, which I thought like I was weighing the two. Like dad got you laid, but at the same time, he sent you on that hellacious bus trip with like $10 to your name. I think it was always man training. My dad would always put me in man training

because I think his biggest fear in life was any one of his sons becoming a homosexual. He was like, that was, that couldn't, it couldn't be dealt with. So it was constant man training. I mean, I was 13 years old. He shoved a gun in my hand and got me up on a horse with a scabbard and a 30, 30 Winchester, school i was like the rifleman and and yeah oh yeah and uh yeah i had a ruger 10 22 pistol on my hip tied low like han solo it was awesome and and uh that was my whole life was like stop if i cried about anything a big like

knock it off pissy eyes and love dropping the uh the f-bomb which nowadays you know you can't use that but the f-bomb uh for uh gay people uh and uh that was his whole whole thing with me so i think him sending us on a bus across country was another way of just man up man up him calling you pissy eyes is one of the funniest things I've ever heard. Yeah, your father might have liked my mom. My dad was like, he thought it was the old west. When we grew up in San Juan Capistrano, California with him. That's how I spent my early teen years when I left New York.

And he thought it was 1850. Like he really had that in his head. I got a cramp in my leg once and screamed bloody murder. He looked at me and he's like, next time you scream like that, you better have an arrow in your chest. How's that going to happen?

Dad, engines! What was that, Dick? What did he do during the day? Was he like a frontiersman or like an accountant or something like that? He started out as an investigator. In New York, he was a private investigator for an insurance company.

That's such a sketchy job. It's so sketchy. I loved it as a kid because I'm like, my daddy's manic. I thought it was like that. But then he went out to California because I think he wasn't allowed in New York anymore. So he went out to California and just became a cowboy. He wanted to be a cowboy. And he got this job as a caretaker of a huge ranch where he lived on it and had to make sure that the fences were mended for the cattle and all that stuff. And when I went out there to visit him,

he shoved the cowboy hat on my head, boots on my feet, threw me on a horse and said, you're a cowboy. And I loved it. It was a lot of fun. And as a kid, it's so exciting. You're just shooting guns off a horseback who wouldn't love that but the irresponsibility of my father was second to none and eventually even i figured that out and said i better get my ass back to new york and do something with my life and he did he hooked you up with a cowgirl named buzz who was much older than you that would fuck you to lose your virginity when you were i don't even know if we could talk about the age difference i mean well you think anthony's girlfriend is young compared to him i do think that yes well she was 19 i was in my uh

lower than her teens let's just say let's just leave it at that yeah yeah that's why I'm leaving it at that. He wrote a book about them. Yeah. She was quite the trooper. She was a good, very 70s. Were you 13, Anthony? Hypothetically? What's that? Were you 13, hypothetically? What's this number?

Hypothetically, let's just say I was a teen, but you couldn't go one way and still be a teen in the numbers game. That could mean anything. We'll leave it there. Yeah. Yeah. It was awesome. It was great. And I wasn't one of these dumb kids like you see these days when they get their teacher in trouble. I didn't say a word.

I shut my mouth. Those kids are fucking rats ruining it for everyone else. You got a good slutty PE teacher? You shut the fuck up and have some fun. Share the love. Let some other guys get in. Yeah, why are you

destroying her career as a great educator? Educating you. It's like you found a unicorn in your neighborhood and you fucking slaughtered it to take the horn. We all could have ridden the horn. I went to two guys in my high school who did that.

They both fucked this older woman, somebody's mom. And not older, older, but call like 30. But they're in high school, so to us, she's older. Yeah, right? Rotten for five years now. And they called themselves gladiators. And they would be like yeah we're getting off like gladiators and and what they're talking about is how after school they're gonna fuck this woman but wow she never got in trouble so they never gave up her name i don't know who she is to this day uh you know it's it's aged out now i presume and they got laid a lot and I did not. That was Hillary Clinton.

Carol Baskin, common mistake. No, but in all seriousness, I loved the book. Thanks, man. It gave me some peace for those two or three days I was reading it. It's on the shelf in the other room. I'll have it forever.

Thoughts of rape were far from his mind. Yes. Those books were all about escapism, and I appreciated it. So I often daydream about how I'd get by in prison. Not well, by the way. Was reading books a way for you to

not get yourself in trouble? To self-isolate? Because that might be something that works. It was a big part of it. I felt like if I was sitting in my bunk uh with a book um who could not only would know what's that who could hate that right like you know who could hate that because like like you might have this idea like like maybe maybe not that like somebody's gonna be like look at the bookworm but it's it's not high school we're all locked the fuck down all right so like the toughest cholo the meanest gangbanger like you can like i was what i i literally like my best buddy was like a texas

cholo fucking meth dealing murdering 45 year old. And we were walking, we were working out one day, and I told him, he's like, yo, what you been reading in your bunk? Look, that's a thick book. And I'm like, that's Harry Potter, man. Yeah, is it good? I was like, it's pretty good. You know, this kid, he grows up,

and he's a wizard, but he doesn't know it. And then he finds out, and he gets to go into this magical world of witchcraft and wizardry, and he finds out that he gets to go into this magical world of witchcraft and wizardry. And he finds out that he's pretty important to the whole world. Oh, that sounds tight. If I start on book one, you're on like three. Yeah, man.

I can't believe I never heard of this book before. He hasn't because he's been locked up for 20 fucking years. He doesn't know about Harry Potter. He doesn't know about Harry Potter. So literally, I'm loaning this this scary motherfucker perry and i see him over there reading harry potter book one a page an hour or something like that and he's like it's a little hard to read you know and i'm thinking like that's i read that shit when i was 10 or something man but but i don't say that i'm like yeah it's a lot

of words in there you you know, and pages. Very dense and complicated, Harry Potter. The muggles are like the Latin kings. You should have done the machine thing and reused everybody's jokes. They're Jews, right? They don't want

nobody to get the money. Man, I'm wanting to read rid of this goblin stuff. This is for me to accuse someone of bigotry, but this lady, she's a little anti-Semitic. Why come the only ones who are goblins are like the banker? You know, I'm just saying. So yeah, it was definitely a way to self-isolate and like really be to myself. It was definitely a way to self-isolate and really be to myself. Because I felt like maybe if I've got a book in front of me, maybe I just won't get approached for anything, including rape.

Someone with both hands around a book has no hands left for prison gay sex. I don't know. It was just like, I'm here doing my own thing. Leave me alone. But yeah, it was a little bit of a thought of prisoners thinking that you're really smart because you're reading harry potter and stephen king up there and calling you the professor man that's a professor you you got a problem in here you ask him man he's got it all figured out was any of it this and this is bigger woody issue than kyle issue i feel like every minute i talk to these guys is a minute that i

am risking saying the wrong thing. Right. And if I just read, yeah, then I, then I don't fuck anything up. Maybe not. Um,

no, I feel like I'm good at that for whatever reason. Like I can read the room pretty well. And like, I let them do a lot of the talking to like, see what level of like, are we going to talk about criminal shit? Are you,

are you a racist and if so which races are do you hate you know i need to know that going in me too mirror it yeah and then you mirror it yeah like it or not the doctor's office they give you a clipboard and the pencil and you got to fill it out and hand it in so they know i have a newfound disgust for venezuelans yeah for real for real like cubans no good no good no good we don't like the cubans lately find out right away snow did not like cubans snow did not like black people but he would he would oh god we would be walking there's a big like track like you have a tough guy and snow's so tough so and like he would he would do chin-ups with like uh medicine balls in a bag that he clipped onto his waist just fucking cranking him out like like every

quarter mile we'd we'd uh walk or jog he'd crank a bunch more out anyway and he was just like he was like you know the blacks they got a word they don't like you to call them that. And I'm like, yeah, no, man. I think everyone knows the word it's a, and I see him winding up to drop it in. He's winding up to drop a big fat one. And I'm looking around like, there's so many big black guys around us and he, he, he hard and i'm just like yeah yeah yeah i've heard that word before yeah i'm aware they don't like that yeah it's it's and then he just goes bigger you know bigger they don't like that when you see it to them when you like hey bigger and they hate it stop please stop oh my god horrifying i'm not down like like he's always ready to fight or do whatever needs to be done like like i just want to do my 60 days i just want to escape

doesn't it become like uh it's just your your life at that point like you have these preconceived notions of what it would be like to be locked up like that. And you've seen movies and people have talked about it that hadn't experienced it. But then when you're actually you in there and they're shutting the door on you and whatnot, doesn't it, I'm not going to say it's easier, but it's you and you're just in another situation that you have to get through. It's not a special, anything different magically. It's just still a bad situation that you need to get through. Yeah.

To me, it was about setting a schedule and finding a few things that were like creature comforts that would like, that would kill X amount of hours every 24 hours. It was like having the day planned out in segments that would eat that day up. That's why when they talk about the death penalty versus life in prison and they say, well, at least there'll be suffering in prison. It's like, I understand there's no freedom and everything, but people are very adaptable. It just becomes your new life. That's now what you do.

I think I'd rather die. You're not 24 hours a day going oh my god i'm suffering in prison like you'll laugh you'll talk to people you'll have a a good time even though your freedoms have been taken away but i don't think it's as bad bad as the death penalty or that's how i felt about working in an office like exactly there's some jobs that are that bad. Yeah, where I was, definitely I would prefer that over the death penalty because it's low security. You know, there was a medium security prison like on the same facility. Like we called it up the hill because you could like see it. It's up on the hill.

And it's where I went initially to like get like stripped down and put in my prison jumpsuit and all that jazz, do my paperwork. And they would have stabbings and killings and and like legit gang activity going on up there and they would threaten you with that they're like you know you fuck up here you go up there and i saw two or three guys fuck up at the low and sent up there and it's like he ain't gonna make it is there also like a is there a prestige in being able to make i used to play b league hockey right and some of those guys would do well in a league hockey and it was like yeah he's playing with us but only because he prefers sundays to tuesdays yeah well there's a couple

different classes so there's a couple different like uh experience levels like like we're all like rpg characters in this in this uh in this little low security prison some of us like me did a did a real not so serious thing and that's why we're there but some of the guys did 10 or 15 at a high security or a medium security and earned their way down oh but they're like that fucking rescue dog that has seen some shit you can tell like like he'll live in your house and he'll get along with your regular puppy but he's this far away from fucking ripping a throat out and does that put him on top of it shakes the rattle a little too violently face coming off does that put him like do people give that a certain kind of respect like like you know don't fuck with you poke that guy one time and

he'll rip your face off you could tell who you don't want to fuck with like like like they were physically bigger they just had a look about them and oftentimes they were in positions of power it within like the uh the you know they ran the laundry like like he's the the boss of all the laundry he he writes the schedule he chooses who gets hired don't fuck with that guy and sure enough that guy had been down as they say for nearly 20 years and he was not a nice man you know he he's the one i had the shouting match with over touching the over the televisions ah yeah it's always the television my shouting match kyle means being shouted at i shouted back no no i shouted back because i felt like i couldn't be completely punked out now i did change the channel back to where he wanted it.

I will fully admit that. But I didn't completely bitch out. Man, you don't change that back to Telemundo, I'm going to rape you. I want you to know I'm doing this under protest. Yes, but only because I also want to learn spin. It was like, this is the white people tv dude like like that's a thing like there was espn black people tv mexican people tv white people's tv we have four tvs the way i recall it wow and i'm not touching that black people tv you get some very simple

simple and straightforward and they should have labels above it yeah I'm not touching that black people TV. You get some shit. Very simple. Simple and straightforward. They should have labels above it. Yeah. Oh, different color duct tape sitting in front of it. Look at who's sitting in front of it. You'll figure it out real quick.

And what's on it. The black people are watching fucking VH1, a bunch of like black housewives with big asses and titties hanging out, like talking. It's like basketball wives and shit like that. And the white guys are watching the fucking history channel over there or cnn and the mexican guys are watching either telemundo or fucking some it's oftentimes a soap opera because like mexican soap operas have so much sex and so much titties okay i'm actually curious because what would happen listen to this lineup you got a history channel or who knows what's on it and big black?

Basketball wife whatever. Yeah, can I sit there? Am I allowed you can sit? Absolutely You can sit wherever you want Oftentimes black guys would slide over with us and he'd be like, hey, what are you watching? And I'm like, ah, it's this shit about the guy who invented Hershey's chocolate It's history channel. It's like the history of like American products. I'm like, this is the motherfucker that invented cornflakes. And he's like, God damn. I love cornflakes.

He like tunes his headset in to like learn about, and me and this black guy who's like scary as fuck learned about cornflakes that day. I might turn that brownie into an Oreo just by sitting there. Yeah, yeah. There's no issue. You could sit wherever you want. Actually.

As long as there's room. Because there is assigned seating. There's assigned spots. Which is where the chair goes. And there are assigned chairs. And they're very different things. Now he's not going to take your chair. But he will take your fucking spot.

That the chair is in. You'll be sitting in your chair in this he will take your fucking spot that the chair is in. You'll be sitting in your chair in this spot. And he'll be like, it's my spot. And I'm like, no, no. See, this is my chair. It's got my number on it. See, it's the one that has the pentagram on the back. Literally did.

It's got the pentagram and 666 underneath it. He's like, yeah, but that's my spot. Your chair is in. All right. Well well i guess i'll scoot what am i gonna do yeah what are you gonna do wow that's the guy was a bank robber i'll have you know i ordered a small amount of marijuana what was the actual tread carefully what did you say to people when they like asked you what you were in there for?

I foolishly told them the truth. Is that bad? Should you have lied? I should have lied. I'm in here for killing a bunch of people who did whatever you did. So Anthony asked what did you actually do? And I asked why is it better to lie?

Can you hit both? Well, I told them the truth. I told them exactly what i was there for because i thought maybe that would they'd be like that's bullshit dude don't worry you'll be out in 30 days it's cool you know this and that no need for me to rape you you'll be i don't even have enough time to teach you how to suck good dick you know you thought the prisoners would say oh you don't belong here we're gonna be a lot yeah some did some did some were like that's bullshit yeah i killed a cop you know but but like some of the what i should have said is like trafficking i was i was moving

like you know 10 pounds of methamphetamine trafficking sounds good traffic i was charged with trafficking at one point i beat that i beat the rap on that one and and not that i beat the rap i didn't do it i was so i said uh so it's lawyer fuck me he warned me about this um so i should have said something like that that was more impressive and a little more prestigious and suggested that I was a little more hardcore than I actually was. Because what happened was, and I've told the story before, so I won't dwell on it too much, is they thought maybe I was part of 60 Days In. Maybe there's some kind of a, I'm a narc. Oh God, right. I'm part of some, maybe I'm a narc or something. I'm there to get them. So a lot of the guys

wouldn't talk around me about anything. Not that they were up to no good, but they had knives. Not knives to hurt people, but knives to cut up food. You're not allowed a real fucking knife to cut up an onion. You probably do both. You're not allowed an onion. The onion itself is contraband

and the knife to cut the onion is also contraband. It was a while before I learned the hidden places where all the knives were. And there were a lot of knives hidden in like various spots. And I'd be like, hey, I really need a knife. Like, yo, what kind of knife you need? He called me wetto, which means whitey, I think. Yeah.

Yeah, I should have. I should have said I was in for something scarier because a lot of guys thought I was a narc and didn't like me and some of the guys I was warned that oh we lost Anthony I think maybe hold on

and then I had one incident where I was in my bunk reading a book and this guy that I was friendly with this like 50 60 year old black guy who i who i had told like hey man when i get out you can have my radio and my headsets which is like giving him 120 of prison money essentially it's a big deal it comes slowly yeah it comes real slowly you can only use it's it's the whole thing and his radio was busted and i wasn't gonna be who needs a fucking Walkman radio on the outside. You know

what I mean? So I was like, Hey man, when I, when I leave, this is yours. And he was like, super appreciative. So he comes to me one day and he's like, yo, uh, so I want to let you know, there's some guys that are talking and, uh, they want to get with you. Oh no. And I'm just like, no. And I'm just like, excuse me? Yeah. Guy over there. He said he wants to get with you. And I'm like, get with me, you know? And so that was like two and a half weeks in or something like that. When I just started to feel comfortable with the routine and the shower and like the the working out and the sleep schedule was kind of working out I was sleeping you know a good 12 hours a day so like half my time is in the bed I'm out and then I got all my

books and then there's a rape threat I'd like to tell you the sisters never got to cop yeah yeah that's more of an overture i don't know if i'd call that a rape threat so much it was a rape warning it sounded like he was just coming on to you right right yeah like i'm getting from this that he was making a pass at you oh he was letting me know there was somebody else who was wanting to, to get with me. And, and there was talk of rape in there. There were some people who had been raped.

There were some people who were like willing participants and just, you know, like to get it on with some other dudes. Cause we're in here for a long time and there ain't no girls. And I was just like, uh, I don't want to get with anybody and I'm not going to go down with a fight, but I don't want to fight. I just want to read going to go down with a fight, but I don't want to fight.

I just want to read, see how this all works out with Voldemort and go home. All right. Like, and he was just like, I'm just letting you know. And I'm just, Oh my God.

Fuck. I was so stressed out after that. And you can't tell anybody like, like the last thing I'd want to do in that situation is like, get a guard and like, excuse me, officer more. There's a bad man somewhere who wants to, oh God, I'd have gotten raped if I'd done that.

That would, that would have been a rape. That's the worst part of prison. Like that's the part that prison just seems like, oh, you hang out, you get your meals. You, you might have to get into a fight every so often, but like, it's the rape part that really makes people not want to go to prison. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because like aside from the rape, it wasn't that bad. Yeah.

See, it's like, ah, you hang out. It's camp. If I didn't have like, I've got a nice life on the outside. I really enjoy my life. I have all these freedoms. I have great family and friends and I really enjoy my life. I have all these freedoms. I have great family and friends and I really enjoy my house. And I like watching movies and playing video games. I like going out with my friends. I like doing this and that. So not having that was a real problem. But

I feel like if I was just like a criminal, it's like, well, shit, this is just like everyday life. You know, we had TV tv we got cable tv you get to work out you've got you got gym equipment well homemade gym equipment but gym equipment nonetheless it's not so bad the food is okay so yeah um don't don't don't don't don't go to jail don't go to jail you know you don't want to go to jail. Don't go to jail. You don't want to go to jail. It's not fun. Well, great advice. Don't go to prison. Yeah, that's

my advice. So I know we're working on a little... Dick, can you say something? You can hear us now. Yeah, I've been writing Dick so as not to disturb the show. We did all this work pre-show. We spent like 10 minutes on it or five minutes on it. I got to use the restroom.

I'll be right back. I'm not hearing Dick like I want to. Dick, can you tap your mic? Check, check. We can hear you. Tap your mic. But you're quiet. Tap that mic.

I'm going to keep saying it. There you go. Check, check, check, check, check. I do hear it. It's too quiet, man. I heard a little pep, pep, pep, pep, check, check. I do hear it. It's too quiet, man. Yeah, it's just too quiet. So quiet. Yeah, your jokes are never going to land if we can't hear them.

We use this fucking thing this setup every fucking week and it fucks up here, huh? That son of a bitch setup. Son of a bitch setup. Any better? Nothing. He is a little louder than he was a minute ago. Let's keep cranking that up. Let's keep cranking that up.

Let's keep cranking that volume up. Is it your Windows game, maybe? I feel like maybe you're cranking one game to sky high, and there's more that you're missing. I mean, it's all... I don't know. This is... Are you on Windows or Mac?

I'm on... Pro Tools is on a Mac. He's coming in just as bad as you are for me right now, Woody. Yeah, but it's blown out. I just want it to be great. It's blown out for you? Oh, shit. Yeah, a little. It's not what it can be.

I know you have the same mic as me. Yeah, I do. I've got my outputs all the way up. Can you, Woody, can you boost him like he's already boosted uh you can right click and slide the bar right i got him at 50 on my end and it's not terrible i mean it's blown out it's just low it's blown out for you yes sir i haven't been 145 percent but he's loud enough now he's just not as good as he should be That's much worse I imagine It's not blown out anymore

You have a bottle of champagne? No, that's what you Woody, maybe you hear it differently But what Dick just did sounded not blown out And it was almost as loud as it was before for me I don't know what your end is saying It's too quiet It's too quiet

I'm going to pump it up there you go check check check check check let's work with that i like that let's give that more time yeah yeah that's good i'm glad i said something all right sorry about the flow and we have another popping bottles dick is that other account going to stay away do i need to redo all the labs if it even slightly works i'm not touching no. Your other account that used to be in the call is gone now. Yeah, that's fine. I just need to hear you guys' beautiful voices. I don't need to see them.

Perfect. Everybody sounds great. I don't need to see the look in Kyle's eyes while he's describing the threat of being raped. I can just imagine it. It's fine. A little lust in there. You can tell. I try to hide it, but, you know.

Well, I know because you're not saying like, well, let me get a look at him first. Yeah, that would have been funny if I was like, alright, well, which guy? Yeah. Yeah. Being raped by Butterbean is different than being raped by Antonio Banderas. We all love to say it, but...

I'd rather be raped by Butterbean, because I imagine he's got enough fat around his crotch area that the dick looks very small and wouldn't hurt as much. Or he can't get it in. He's too fat. Maybe. Maybe he has a heart attack in the midst of it. But before we jump on to the next thing, Kyle, I know you have to tell our listeners

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spelled G-O-A-T-A dot com slash PKA. Is that part of the read? You know it's not. I've told you three times. Yeah, but you know I don't know. Well, I like the flair you add to it. A little bit of flair. What is the best audience for a comedian or an aspiring one at least?

Because it's like every week, he's just like, ha! I know! I got to feel like that would be the best part of having an elder with Alzheimer's. Every week with the same material. Just like, oh, this is gonna kill. You can fire the same jokes past Woody's bow and he'll still give you a great laugh.

And it's like, hell yeah, that's nice. Bring a couple of the classics out. You know, when you're sad about yourself. Man, that is the best part about having nephews is just using big hit jokes and they think you came up with them you're like oh man i fucking they're gonna grow up i was gonna say how should they get the coolest right like the machine the machine went to russia and he's over there like fat guy in a little coat slaying with this material they hadn't seen any of it because it was the Soviet Union.

Kyle could have done that with snow. I mean, I kind of did. Okay, good. I used my whole repertoire to try to make friends. Those clips of all the Kyle gets out of prison, I think the PKA we did has like a million views on that one. And then there's like bunches of clips of his stories, way more than a million. Yeah, people like the prison stories. I like the prison stories. I like the prison stories.

I mean, look, I hated doing it, but I love that I did it. You know, like if that makes any sense. Like I remember telling my probation officer before I went in, he's like, are you worried? And I'm like, yeah, I'm worried. But I kind of tell stories for a living. So this will work out just nice. You know, very nicely. This is a good bit for the show.

If you don't mind taking one for the team, if you could get in those kennels that Trump put the illegal immigrants in. That's good material, Kyle. Kennels? Okay. Cages, if you want. Yeah, the ones that have been in use for decades.

I'm jealous of Anthony over there with that champagne. That's my class. Why don't you have a champagne glass, though? What is that? It is technically a champagne glass. It's a very long, thin flute. I don't like the stem on there with the classic champagne. A little dainty.

They fall over and shit. It's a little dainty, but a little manly. I don't know. I would be happy about that no no he would definitely call me the f word and say i had pissy eyes i've got what a mean-spirited thing for a father to say i've got two years of probation so i can't drink and uh i i would have done an i would have done another two months if i could have traded for a year of probation so I can't drink. I would have done another two months

if I could have traded it for a year of probation. Yeah, that seems unfair. Alcohol is legal. You should be able to have some beers or you don't like beer, you like vodka, but whatever you want. Tequila. When you have a drug abuser, you keep it on all the drugs. I like a good red wine.

I had to do that rehab stint after I had my legal wranglings. They were like, it looks better if you just go to rehab. So I went down to Florida. It was recommended by the great Artie Lang. So you know it worked. And so I went down there and I couldn't drink for, you know, it was 30 days and 30 days you're going to meetings every day and classes and the rehab and everything. And it was, it was fine. I was, I was okay with it. Like you said, it was a great experience. Like I didn't want to go, but it was,

I met some amazing characters, weird people I never would have met before. And the, but the second I got to the airport, I cracked a beer open and just started. I knew it was not good. Were there people in the rehab with you that made you think like, huh, I've pretty much got this under control? Oh, everybody. Like I wake up in the morning shaking and I have to have a pint of vodka before noon.

And you're like, life's looking pretty good. Like I don't find the the biggest problem even the counselor there was was pretty much talking about drinking and saying ah he goes i think you have more of a problem with twitter than you do with alcohol like yeah twitter if you go down the the 12 steps like yes i have to realize i have a problem with twitter and yeah do you get anything from it like we're goofing about it and you took out a beer i i got a problem with twitter and yeah did you get anything from it like we're goofing about it and you had a beer i i got a couple of things from it yeah yeah more more like life things like uh oh you know don't take anything for granted really and and um uh don't

i kind of one thing it sounds so hokey but it's like uh live your days instead of counting them kind of a thing you know you don't want to you want to just sit there and check off days on a calendar and like oh we're through that one like make something of of every day that you're no you're right that does sound gay so i got that out of it but as far as the drinking thing went i was like fuck off i'm drinking you get to the airport, crack open a nice Bud Light. Yeah. I had to do substance abuse counseling before I went to prison. I was so

thankful that the lady, the psychiatrist or whatever, I was like, yeah, I would smoke weed every day, but not all day. I was smoking joints and getting high. She's like, well, it is a good time.

She's like, so you didn't? You weren't selling? No. Mr. Myers, I'm going to level with you. I'm a little blitzed right now. By the end of that counseling session, she was making some definite suggestions that I come hang out at her house. I had the best

psychiatrist ever. She was super understanding. More rape threats. Jesus. I think she would be involved in some kind of a three-way with her and her husband is what it sounded like to me. What the fuck? Something I want to jump to is I know that Kyle

Woody and I have spoken a lot about the corona thing going on in the country in the last couple months. And I follow my good friend Dick Masterson on Twitter, and he is of a totally different opinion on it. And so I want to drill deep on this, and Anthony, of course, as well. Am I the bad guy at all? I want to get everybody's corona text. No, no, you're not the bad guy. I can do it. Maybe you'll win me over. I'm going to I can do it maybe you'll win me over maybe you'll win us over because you're on the what just I saw your tweet where you're like oh no have the pka guys been simping for

grandma which is apparently how dick says you go in love with your grandma that you want to shut down the economy is that what it is I you know what speaking of alcohol uh I I before this I thought I had a problem with alcohol. Now that I can't leave the house, I realize that I had no problem with alcohol at all because now I can't get up without a drink in my hand. The amount of drinking that I have to do to get... I looked at the clock one day without a drink, and I swear to God, the hand started moving backwards.

Time will not pass unless I'm drinking now it's driving me fucking insane I am not gonna make it whenever Trump is telling the governors they can open up again I'm not gonna make it there or at least I'll be another man uh alcohol to your house uh yeah I think we can I don't I don't know but the uh if there's an option to go out and get it, I'll, I'll climb over dead grandmas to do anything outside. Um, I've been, has a walk-up window. Now they actually installed a legitimate, not a half-assed kind of jury rigged thing. They installed a walk-up window and the front of the liquor store, you ring a bell with your elbow or whatever. They come to the window. You're stepped about. You put in your order and they give you the liquor through a window. It's magic. Well, I can say in the great state of Missouri, drive-through

ammo, liquor, and firework stores are still open. Here too. In Kentucky, they have this thing called the liquor barn. It's literally a barn that has one of those huge roll-up garage doors on the front and the back. So you drive through the liquor store. Not like McDonald's drive-thru. Like it's an auto shop. McDonald's has a drive-by. McDonald's has a drive-by. Right.

You drive next to the building. In Kentucky, you drive right through the motherfucker. Fantastic. Right through the middle of the fucking liquor store. And here, like you said, we have a drive-by liquor store nearby. I drove past it the other day, and I noticed they added a second drive-by window

made out of plywood on the side. I guess there was just a little door. So they just propped the door open, built a plywood little window. They know what people are clamoring for, and it's booze. You're sitting like so many people in quarantine now. It's like, I need a couple of beers to get through another Netflix series, like something to kill my time. Like, I'm going to drive through and get some Bud Light.

Ice is now a mixer to me. That's how bad the quarantine is. We set up drive through being accosted by homeless people in la because that's a big part of our daily life we had to wipe them all off the street so now you just drive part of your culture yeah you drive through now and they run up like hey man can i get it like oh fuck off get out of here i gotta go that's really nice that that homeless people in la ask and don't just like break your window and assault you like St. Louis homeless. Priorities. Kyle will tell you, it's a very strict code, different code of etiquette with these people.

Hey, I'm in the real hot zone here of New York though. Like we are, I don't know, I guess in every state it's kind of crazy, but there is a level of insanity here in New York that is beyond anything I've seen. And people are going a little bit nuts. insanity here in New York that is beyond anything I've seen. And, and people are going a little bit nuts. Like I said earlier, before the show started, actually it's,

it's kind of exciting and thrilling at first because people live pretty mundane lives. I mean, you have a schedule. Yeah. And I think people like when, you know, when the people,

when you see on the news that a blizzard's coming. And you're like, oh, a blizzard. And everyone talks about it. And they batten down the hatches. They like that. I don't care what anyone says. They enjoy the adventure and excitement of something different. This is, yeah, literally novel.

Yeah, literally as well. And this is one of those situations. Yeah, literally. Yeah, literally as well. And this is one of those situations, but I don't think we've caught up to how serious it is at this point and how much it's changing things and will continue to change stuff.

By the way, I agree with you, Dick, about the fact that we've destroyed our economy for what really amounts to just another sickness and flu that we've had in this country what really amounts to just another sickness and flu that we've had in this country. I don't buy it. I don't buy that it's this amazingly deadly thing. People are dying. Yes. I'm not saying that's fake. Yes. And if you're a family member of someone that's died, I'm sure you're listening to me saying, wow, what an asshole. But people have died and they die every day and they will continue to die. But we've also sacrificed our economy for that.

I don't got way too many people. Yeah, that's what I was saying from the get go. Like, I don't know if my hot takes are going to be as funny since you're from New York. But from the beginning, I was saying, wait a minute, wait a minute. From the beginning, I was saying, wait a minute, wait a minute. For decades, we've been praying every day that something would come along and wipe all the idiots off the country, right? God gave us this beautiful disease that all you have to do to avoid is stay inside, and you fucking idiots ruined it? You pissed right in God's face?

He was taking away all the boomers. God was going to fix Social Security security the boomer remover god sent us this virus so there would be no idiocracy and you morons just couldn't let him do it you had to get involved uh in the beginning they were saying four million people are gonna die you know oh we ran our computers four million people are gonna die i said four million people is the entire population of la if i woke up tomorrow and la was gone i would start believing in fucking god four million take take austin texas out with you please um it's it's just it's crazy to me like i new york is horrible yeah awful bad uh but then when they turn around and say you know what uh lincoln

nebraska you also need to lock down i'm like what wait a minute what the fuck why i mean you can you can see in the last couple because south dakota obviously not a lot of people there they kind of shirked the social distancing thing and now their their rates are doubling like every two days yeah it's blowing up over there i guess yeah and like all the places where and just like a month or so ago where the governor or whatever louisiana is like no everybody have fun and mardi gras and it's like no now louisiana's way up there like that's what they were doing i think it was a two million projection maybe not a four million but there have been a bunch of those but weren't those done with the expectation that we wouldn't be doing any social distancing yeah that's like if you did nothing i think still it's like this is i mean i'm a i'm i'm an asshole about like the

bill of rights and the constitution you know so uh just throwing that out there the idea that we're just tossing away the the first amendment and you know of civil liberties en masse like imprisoning people in their own homes uh is to me is i think the most depressing part of it to me like my life has changed not at all i didn't suffer actually i take that back my life has changed in a huge way because my girlfriend's a teacher so now our relation now our very happy relationship went to spending all day and no and i i'm sitting there every night uh uh pounding my fist against my head through a drunken stupor thinking i did not sign up for this i did not gavin newsom gavin newsom how

are you gonna make this up to me you uh the the twelve hundred dollars in trump bucks is not is is not uh making this up uh send me none of us call over to me in Kyle's low security prison. Please, I gotta get out of here. Oh, that would be terrible. Just jump in. I'm so glad that this thing didn't happen while I was in prison because there's no getting away from it in there. And the medical care was horrible.

I went to the dentist to like, she just makes sure your mouth isn't rotting. Oh, no gangrene. I see. All right. See you later. Like I've got a,

you didn't shit for 23 days and you didn't go to the doctor. I didn't mention that. Yeah. I was so did the guy that wanted to get with you, send you to the dentist. Want to make sure that's all nice in there. I didn't shit for literally three weeks at one point while I was in there. Oh, God damn.

Was that the movie trap, your asshole? No, I couldn't. I was so stressed out. I couldn't shit. Wow. I literally couldn't. And I was eating a little bit. I was eating a lot less.

I was eating one meal a day maybe. Some days I wouldn't eat. Some days I'd just have a little snack because I just wasn't doing anything. We'd go out and do a couple miles on the track and then you lay in bed all fucking day you wanted to keep a you wanted to keep a blockade in there i mean it would have been a mess if they had like did you think a defensive lineman for the colon like like right like jesus would not approve on your ass like a tramp stamp. Like or like think of your mom. Think of your mom. Oh, God. I mean, like you're going for surgery. You write like don't chop off on. Oh, yeah.

Not this arm. Yeah. It's the other one. Think of your mom, man. Please don't. Yeah, I don't know what to think about the coronavirus thing, because like it's weird that it seems like with the flu for example i'm not afraid of the flu because it's like it does it doesn't kill people who are like my age group and reasonably healthy but it seems like with this thing sometimes i see like a 90 year old grandma who beats it and then i'll see some 28 year old olympic athlete who fucking dies and i can't make that make sense in my head. Like,

like what were the, I mean, the problem is you, you're only going to know what the real death rate is when all of this is said and done. And like, I think the reasonable position is that yes, it's a bad virus.

Yes. It has an incredible transmission rate, but it's like, this isn't, this isn't, it's never a movie like i feel like i feel like tommy jones and men in black i always want to say to people look there's always there's always something huge and unknown and frightening waiting right there's always an

achillean death ray or whatever but what makes us as a society is that we don't trash civil liberties to get there it um maybe it's like h1n1 and it kills young people like us but maybe it's just like the fuck like an accelerated flu well it's definitely more deadly than h1n1 even for young people at this point we don't and dick i'm don't know that pretty positive that just like the patriot act all of these infringements are going to be rolled back as soon as this is over right right it's gonna it's gonna be fun name just 10 other times it doesn't it hasn't yeah exactly bill gates is gonna come to my house and pull his my his vaccine microchip out of my ass when this is over right i can show up at jiffy lube and get

it pulled out um the data that i the the data is just all over the place and i have yet to see anything that says it's worth it's worse than just an accelerated flu that crammed an entire place what's more contagious taylor can you bring your mic closer i'm sorry it can cause permanent organ damage so like it can fuck with your kidneys with your liver with your brain with soaking what soaking liquor well yeah but like this isn't a disease that makes everybody in the country didn't drink nobody's running around with big syringes shooting people's livers full of vodka you made that oh you got me now i'm all fucked up no it's definitely bad and if you look at the

curve for how these things tend to go is they'll do a quarantine this exact same pattern happened with the spanish flu where they had a quarantine and then they assume everything's hunky-dory lets everybody let ever let everybody out of quarantine and then is when the true spike happens where everyone's just a double bell curve of some sort yeah some yeah with the more intense one being second the more i mean everybody's so fucking sure of themselves but like people can't predict what stock to invest in. Yet everybody knows exactly what this never-before-seen engineered virus is going to do.

Engineered? We just made that up, right? Yep. Didn't shit come out recently that there's more evidence saying that this was some sort of disease that was constructed? I was just joking about that. I don't know know i i'm asking i'm telling you no okay but never mind definitely not an engineered virus they've said that so many times they said it's not engineered but they did recently say that it did somehow get out of that wuhan path a pathogen lab that they have over there.

And I could see that. That's not an insane thing to think. I mean, it happened right there. That was their ground zero for this whole thing. I'm just amazed. How come Wuhan, the whole Wuhan area, got completely devastated by this thing, but Beijing never got it.

None of the big other Chinese cities got it. Meanwhile, every other country on the globe and every state in this nation has this. But China, it was only Wuhan. You've got to wonder why that was. Are you suggesting the Chinese government is being secret tailored to? I believe it's like the MK Ultra. Let me tell you something.

The Gulf of Tonkin was a false flag operation, and fluoride has turned to the frogs game. Now, that's not entirely wrong. What you need to know about this is fluoride is legitimately turning frogs into hermaphroditic creatures. This is something that you can look up. You can see this. This is not something I'm saying. This is something you can can look up. You can see this. This is not something I'm saying.

This is something you can Google right now. It is not hidden from you any longer. I have a cure for it right here. It's called bone broth. If you order this right here today, if you order that, you get one free tube of my reddening, neck-thickening salve,

and you will be able to be just as attractive as I am. Look at this before and after me. Look at this one. I'm fat in this one and I'm red and fat in this one. Now that is merely a month and a half apart. People are looking at me. They're telling me

that's not true. I'm saying it is. I'll be banned from every bit of social media if it weren't true. Ask yourselves that. Dude, I love Alex Jones. He's hilarious. He was like the one Twitter account when he got banned. I was like, no, come on. I used to do his show all the time.

I had my own hour of his show. He would leave. I took over his show for an hour once every two weeks. It's all out there like on the internet you can see is i got the the info wars thing behind me i loved it did you do the same sort of thing conspiracy theories and oh yeah yeah it was it was well actually it was more i would just bash like hollywood and washington and it wasn't so a-y, you know, it was me doing it. The thing, but the reason I had to stop it, my streaming company that, uh, it's not my company,

but the company that we had streaming compound media, ah, frigging A, this goddamn camera. media ah friggin hey this goddamn camera oh my god it's it's clicking back on it the the the company that streams compound media uh had a problem they don't any company that that edits for content that is just carrying your shit through their wires it are are monsters. I hate that. Because I can't go out and string my own fiber optic cables to run my show. And they shouldn't dictate what you can broadcast and can't broadcast because they own the wires that are going over and the servers. But they do. And they had a problem with Alex Jones. So I couldn't do his show.

They had a problem with alex jones so i couldn't do his show uh they had a problem with gavin mcinnis they had a problem with um with milo yiannopoulos being on my show and everything and i have anyone on i don't care if they're ultra liberal ultra conservative mental patients whatever it is i don't care i love everyone having a voice but they had a problem with that. We are now, we've switched providers and now we're fine. So I will have Alex on and I will do his show again. I would love a show that

only interviewed mental patients. It's not even political. It's not even political. It's just like, so tell me, you're being gang stalked by a bunch of red cars. And just explain that to me. I would listen to that show.

That would be fucking hilarious. Gang stalking? Look up gang stalking, anyone out there, if you haven't. It is hilarious. It's hilarious. Yeah. It's people who... Anthony Dick, have you guys heard of gang stalking?

I've never heard of it. So it's basically people who genuinely believe that they are being stalked by CIA federal agents. Oh, those have been around for a while. And it'll be someone, just some random fuck with his iPhone sitting in his car in a fucking Target parking lot being like, you guys thought I was lying. You guys thought I was lying, and I've got the proof for you right here. Look at this front cam. What do you notice do you notice that there are five red cars out of the 10 cars in that lane red cars are notorious they are the ones that follow you beware red cars and and this woman

and then like a woman will come like he'll be standing in front of like the cart return area and some woman will be like i'd like to return my cart please and i'll be like stop following me stop following me stop it's the most innocent things yeah like every day my cart to the return slot bitch i know you oh you can hop into that red honda odyssey with supposed children? Is that what you're doing? I saw one. It was great. The guy's like, every day, every day you're in front of my house, I'm on to you.

And he's like, I'm your mailman. He's in a mailman truck. Yeah. He's got the clothes on. He's like bringing him his Amazon package. He's got the shorts on. He's like bringing him his Amazon package. He's got the shorts on.

I don't think a lot of people realize where the tinfoil hat thing even comes from. It comes from the fact that people thought that these CIA agents and whatever were penetrating their brain with radio signals that would alter their mind control them or what have you. So they put tinfoil on the head to reflect that away. It's been something that's been going on. I remember being in radio for so long. Every so often we'd get a caller that or I'd get a letter, this scrawled actual letter that went through the mail of somebody saying, I know you were talking to me yesterday. You were saying this. And then this convoluted, weird, confused version of what I said. But they're convinced that you're talking to them through the radio.

And I felt like I had made it once I got one of those. They're like, I know you were joking about a retarded guy cooking show. But I caught the dog. I know what you meant. Sending to me about the the the base on the far side of the sun yeah you were talking about the federal reserve and yeah it's like no it was merrill howard calen's cooking show you fucking retarded howard calen today we're gonna make chicken

i love that shit so much that guy's dead RIP F's in chat from Merrill Harold Kaelin COVID struck him down in 2002 chalk it up as a COVID though whatever

definitely salmonella did you see him ripping the skin off that chicken and I remember Jimmy's jokes about that bit because I go back, I watch the old video on A's all the time. They make me laugh so hard. And Jimmy's like, do you think he knows that no one is going to eat this meal? Like, no one.

He's like playing with raw chicken and then tossing a salad immediately afterward. At least he's not using a live chicken anymore. He's like ripping the skin off. That shit was hilarious. For the Corona thing, so Dick, your prescription is fucking shut it. Turn it all back on, basically. Stop 5G.

That's my prescription. It's obviously causing these. Have you gotten that one yet? I've heard it, but I didn't know anyone was serious about it. I thought it was just a meme. I don't know how much of a joke it is. I've gotten floated out like a guy at his prom just trying to touch the thigh of his date.

Guys will text me like, oh, yeah, you know, and then there's the whole 5G thing, and I'll just go shut it down. Nope, that's it. Wherever you heard that, however much you've been thinking, unwind that and stop thinking about it. I was willing to wash my hands more but then they then they declared la-di-da yeah i was willing to i was willing to stop licking

doorknobs the mark the stock market started going down i said i'm not licking doorknobs anymore then it went up a little bit i said i'm back to licking the doorknobs i was i was i was very worried about it i thought it was a plague, until they canceled my live show and turned L.A. into Marshall Law or Marshall Law Light, whatever you want to call it. Marshall Tucker. Marshall Tucker. But we have none of it out here.

Pilot to Bombardier. Pilot to Bombardier. And what pisses me off is, i'm watching real time people change the whole flatten the like flatten the curve was supposed to extend the pandemic and not overcrowd hospitals right but now people are saying oh actually uh actually it was to prevent deaths i'm like no no no no i remember it wasn't for that it wasn't to delay time until we invent some vaccine it was just to stop the hospitals from getting overcrowding and now i see over a longer period of time yes yeah and every time i see some bitch

nurse dancing to um doing the macarena or the harlem videos are terrible where the fuck are the ventilators now what i'm so i can't go to a strip club so you C-words can go do another TikTok together? I mean, you can say cunt if you want. I mean, at this point, like. I don't know. Is me undies okay with me calling our first, our heroic hospital workers cunt? I don't know, but I know that's funny. And every family in America has $64,000 of new debt that their kids have to pay off.

But God forbid, God forbid, God forbid, grandma, who we've stuck in a living mausoleum of a retirement home, gets hit with a mystery plague that a chick. And I called it right away. Day one, I said a woman caused this. and I called it right away. Day one, I said a woman caused this. And what do you know? Day fucking one, I said on my show, day fucking one, I know a woman caused this because she left the cap

off of a bottle in the virus lab in Wuhan. A woman couldn't put a cap on a bottle to save her life, her grandma's life, or the life of everybody on the face of the fucking earth, and what do you know? What did they say today on CNN? It came out of that lab.

A woman took it out of that lab, gave it to her boyfriend. He went to the meat market and ran around, greased himself up, and got naked and slapped me. I don't know what they do with that meat market, but what do you know? I was right on that, and I'm right on all this shit too. Dude, I love your narrative so much I'm not going to research it. I choose to believe it as well. I'm hands on all this shit too. Dude, I love your narrative so much, I'm not going to research it. I choose to believe it as well. I'm hands off on this one.

I'm pretty sure 100% of that is not accurate. I'm going to go with it. When he said it was on CNN today, I was like, wait, huh? No. No, no, no, no. A guy asked Trump yesterday, hey, what do you think about reporters? Oh, now we know it's true. No, the reporter asked Trump, what do you think about the reports?

And Trump said, I can't comment on that. If the reporter's saying it, shit. I saw a reporter ask him about pardoning the Tiger King, all right? Yeah. You're not telling me. That's on the table, too. That was the funniest question a reporter's ever asked. Free Joe Exotic, man.

How is Trump not sick yet? Like so many of these world leaders that Trump was shaking hands with and bumping chests with, they're all sick as fuck. I've been pervious to disease. I've been pervious.

Even the corona. I can't get enough. I love watching Trump. And people say, oh, Anthony, you're a cheerleader for Trump. I'm not. Look, I like what he's done.

Take him out of the equation. His antics, his talking, his opinions, his womanizing, all that. I like the fact that three and a half years ago we were this, and then

aside from this whole corona thing... Yeah, we were pretty terrible. Go on. Everything was going pretty good. Army had no ammunition, I heard. No ammunition. The generals were saying we have no bullets. The generals were saying we had no bullets. The army ran out of bullets who got him the bullets

trump got him right and they're great they're good great perfect ammunition perfect i love and i said that today the best i said today he goes we we are gonna beat this we're gonna beat it so good and it's like he doesn't know how to speak i get it i get it he really sounds like an idiot when he talks i get that but i like that he's not a politician i just like that part of it i don't care about his woman i we knew it and if like i said if you're from new york you've been with you've known trump for decades and you knew he was a piece of shit oh yeah as far as they but but if you wanted to throw a monkey wrench into the machine he was the perfect monkey wrench to throw into it and we needed it the politicians have been screwing us for decades

that was the guy that we're like let's put this guy in and let's see what happens and you know what as far as the country running goes, I didn't have much of a problem with it. He's doing great. I'm on board. I agree with you 100%. I hate politicians so much. And what I like about Trump is how much politicians hate him.

Yes. Lindsey Graham can- And the mainstream media. Yeah. Lindsey Graham can pretend that he's okay with Trump. Now, you know, he's seething. Now, you know he's seething. Oh, he hates him.

With that underlying homosexuality hate that he has. He's just so, he hates him so much. You know, he's at his dinner parties and he's talking about that goddamn Trump. He hates him. Wow. He hates him. But the media, even worse, the media hates him even at fox news and fox news i'm sure the people at fox news underneath the propaganda hate him but they're like well cnn is going to be on

that team we got to be on the other team this is this is how it works out they're the comments well i mean like even i mean who isn't like the big bootlicker over at Fox is Hannity, right? Oh, big time. I've even seen clips of Tucker being like, Trump, what the fuck is up, man? What are you doing? And Hannity is just like, it's all brilliant. It's 6D chess. It's the finest strategy.

Belt yourself in tonight. We have an amazing show. We're going to make revelations that you've never heard before. Oh, it's the same show. Oh, it's the same show. It's the same thing you said for a month. There's a bunch. Laura Ingram is on Ask Us or Two. That Judge Shapiro, what's her name?

Janine Shapiro. She's feisty. Half of their lineup has never seen a thing that Trump didn't do brilliantly. I'm sure. I believe you. I know some of them like brett bear don't like him very much yeah yeah uh i know tucker's critical of him but like the whole other the other end of the spectrum is people like msmb at msmbc and cb uh cnn where anything he does is

not good like there's nothing he can do right on those networks. And even something like, I guess Elon Musk had said that he was going to have Tesla make a bunch of respirators, ventilators. Right. So he did, and he sent them out and CNN has this piece that says, Elon Musk promises ventilators doesn't deliver.

So he went on Twitter last night and posted all the letters of thanks that he had gotten and Tesla had gotten and SpaceX has gotten from doctors and hospitals of this unbelievable amount of ventilators that he has sent to this and goes, why is CNN even still on the air? Elon Musk said that, who I believe is like not only Tesla, the company. I think Elon Musk is the new Tesla, the guy, just this brilliant kind of crazy dude. And I love him. But how does CNN print something like that without any confirmation, especially when the guy that they're accusing puts out all this evidence that their story was bullshit? There's no accountability for journalists. We've seen that. You can say anything pro or anti-Trump that you want, and you're really not going to have your feet held to the fire for the most part.

Do you know the only currency that the media ever had was trust? And when you think about it, when they say, my sources tell me, when Walter Cronkite said, my sources tell me, you believed him because he never lied to you. He had always, his reputation was his currency. Now they lie constantly. So why would I believe when someone goes, my sources tell me? You go, well, you're full of shit

and you don't have sources and I don't believe it. Because once they lie to you, they have nothing else to make you believe them with aside from their reputation, which right now the media is is shit. Yeah, well, I mean, they're all like the mainstream media is and this isn't even like a political thing, but they're all horrified of the uprising of third party Internet content that is siphoning so many views and so much analysis from and basically like they're having to take their old archaic format which is and i know woody's complained about this before where it's like all right we're gonna have uh eight people on skype on zoom and each person's gonna say two to five inconsequential sentences and then we'll go, all right. And now it's time for you to hear from this lumbar company.

Thanks for tuning in. Whereas online people can be like, no, we're going to bring four people in with opposing views, and we're going to allow a two-hour debate on it. Yeah, like we have here. Everybody's got different ideas about things. The downside of the online stuff is... Let's talk about our varied opinions on women. They don't have any more accountability than the CNN or Fox does, right?

Those guys oftentimes are in the same trap where they're trying to appease their audience. They're trying to please their audience. So when you listen to like a Steven Crowder or the other side, like a Matt Parker, I think that's his name. It's hard to find liberals who are popular. you listen to a Steven Crowder or the other side like a Matt Parker, I think that's his name. It's hard to find liberals who are popular. You listen to these guys. I mean the whole mainstream media.

Young Turks. Are the Young Turks popular? No, no, no. Every celebrity isn't an alternative media source. I'm looking for guys who do political commentary. And I feel like the conservative guys are the more popular ones the ben shapiro's the whatever well my point is that these guys are also trying to say things that their audience loves to hear and the second

they divert from that then they lose their audience so but you got someone like joe someone like joe rogan is very popular uh He's got literally more viewers than CNN has. And he's not- Or Fox or anyone, yeah. Yeah, he's not a partisan guy. I mean, he's accused of being everything from a hardcore conservative Nazi to a liberal bedwetting Antifa guy.

Yes. Because that's what everyone wants. They want one side or the other. And he's pretty in the middle, willing to listen through his uh amazing amounts of marijuana but but that goes to show you like that's the type of thing i think the media is really afraid of i like that joe rogan like one of the most endearing things about this show is he'll have some guy on who's like yeah i'm a doctor ostensibly and i've eaten nothing but meat for nine months and i feel wonderful and joe's like yeah i'm a doctor ostensibly and i've eaten nothing but meat for nine months

and i feel wonderful and joe's like wow what a great idea and then he was like out there in a loincloth with a bow and arrow shooting an elk and then he'll be like all right this week we have dr ronda patrick one of my favorite guests on that show she's really fucking smart knows all this nutrition shit and'll be like, I was talking to someone about eating all meat. And she'll be like, yeah, yeah, no, that's full on retarded. And he's like, really? Tell me more about this. Carnivore.

My girlfriend went on the carnivore diet because Joe Rogan did the carnivore diet. Did it make her more aggressive, Anthony? Did it make her more aggressive? It did. She threatened to rape me it was a threat so i gave her the handcuffs yeah that's the funny thing about joe rogan is he will humor anything that slides across his desk he's a very open-minded guy and like i i love it i love that he could sit and and talk with anyone he's very likable i saw one of his live shows at uh madison square garden and first of all more girls than

i've ever seen at a comedy show like he attracts the girls like no one else that's doing a comedy usually girls hate comics uh but he attracts like jimmy no not like norton jesus christ and he gets he gets to a point where he's able to turn things around and actually tell jokes that could be perceived as misogynistic uh but the beginning of his act is pretty much all about bashing masculinity and that and meanwhile he's up there like a pit bull but then he's able it's like an hgh skull yeah but then if any girls like moan or groan in the audience he goes what the hell were you listening to the first half of my act like i i told it so he he's one of those guys that's clever enough to figure out bill burr is another one of those guys billr, able to do some material that is, he should be

exiled from Earth for some of his material based on the criteria we have today. But he can go out there. It's hilariously funny, but why is he given a pass? Thank God he is, when someone like Louis C.K.

is totally crucified. I still haven't watched his new special. It's fucking amazing. It's a great special. I love Louis' new special. Is it because Louis C.K. is not as good looking as Joe Rogan? Yeah.

Joe Rogan looks muscly. Chicks do. They look at him and say, oh, yeah, I probably want to fuck him. I mean, you know, if he did pull his dick out, you have to watch. But Louis C.K., they're like, oh, no, no probably want to fuck him. I mean, you know, if he did pull his dick out, but Louis CK, they're like, Oh no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, he's,

he's gross. He made someone see his dick. They agreed to it. Doesn't matter. We were doing, uh, we would, we were doing,

um, Rogan's show about a year ago or so. And my own girlfriend has to cuck me. She's like, cause his studio is amazing. It's got a gym.'s got this uh archery range video games everything you could want and and like my girlfriend and even keith uh keith's wife uh was out there at the same time they look at joe and they're just swooning and i'm this you

know piece of shit and then she goes to the gym and she's like, because she's a trainer, so she's like, am I doing this right, Joe? Stop. What am I supposed to do? What am I prepping the bull? Am I on cleanup duty afterwards? What am I doing?

It's so embarrassing. girls love them i like when joe rogan's like near the end of a podcast or whatever and he's just like hey you want to stick around and throw axes at chopped down trees yeah yeah and people are like heads off the wolves yeah do you have a place near here you know and he's like no it's just kind of like it's in the other room well yeah next door you know yeah he's he's an alpha male man to see my hatchet collection he's the right to see my hatchet collection i do enjoy the joe rogan man he's a good shit yeah he's a good interviewer too he does it yeah yeah he really is man he could talk to anybody and the thing is he makes he relaxes everybody he got elon musk to smoke pot on the show yes by the way tank the stock for a day i bought it i bought an option i bought some some

options uh when that happened and then the next day i punched out of him and made a fucking a lot of money i call it that's also i i did the same thing with uh the pizza guy uh papa john's dude yeah papa john when he dropped the n-bomb yeah uh and and the stock went down i'm like it didn't change the pizza like it's still the pizza that people are still gonna order it's they're not gonna be always racist that if you like papa john's, you're going to order it. So I go, I'm going to, again, buy options after it tanked. And I did it. And then I gave a seminar on it on my show, and I called it n-vesting.

So if anyone drops the n-bomb, like a CEO of a company or anything, whenever they drop the n-bomb, I will invest in that company knowing it will go up afterwards. That's hilarious. Have you seen the, you know, you've all seen the funny Papa John interview, but there's like a funny mashup

because it was only a couple weeks before the Corona thing took off that he was like, there will be a reckoning. There will be a reckoning. And it's like him edited saying those things. It was sweaty. I've eaten four pieces of his face.

It's just like him saying that and then all the corona things popping up. He caused it. It was all because of Papa fucking John. There's a reckoning coming. There will be a reckoning. He turned into a wet-faced Clint Eastwood there for about five minutes

why was he so shiny I don't know because he said he had 40 pizzas in the last 30 days he tasted 40 pizzas in 30 days have you ever had 40 pieces of pizza that's outrageous but you know it was his former company and he's doing some research

40 seems a little high like maybe a taste test every week or something. Yeah. But that's not why he was so wet. He looked like he had lathered up with grease or something. That was hand sanitizer. He knew of the wrecking. Oh, because he was prepping.

I don't know why he was so shiny. I showed that to someone literally two days ago. I was like, look how shiny he is. I feel like you didn't grow up with Italians. They're shiny people. Italians can be very shiny people. If you grew up in Jersey and half your high school looked like that guy, you'd be like,

yeah, he's one of the shiny ones. They dab him with those blue mechanic paper towels. Yeah, I loved that. yeah i love that a little powder before they turn the camera and the lights on i feel like whoever was shooting that really fucked him over because you know they were like he's papa is very shiny it's absurd should we do something fuck no no roll on this that was what they did with the kennedy the kennedy nixon debate back in the 60s oh yeah it was like the first presidential debate on television the kennedy people had it figured out they knew like this isn't audio anymore people are seeing you so they had jfk all nice and prim and proper and nixon was just profusely greasy shiny pockmark it they yeah they say that's what uh turned the tide uh everything you say is true but also kennedy's one of the best looking presidents

we've ever had oh yeah you're not gonna be kennedy uh like even on a bad hb day i mean that's that's the debate where everyone who lists on listened on the radio was like oh nixon trounced him and everyone who watched on tv was like yeah oh nixon got absolutely dominated in that one and they haven't forgotten that up till this day as far as the visual medium goes yeah well what was the one who was the guy uh in the late 80s or whatever who wore like the ill-fitting army hat in the tank and looked like a fucking Dukakis. They say that's the photo that sent him down.

He was in a tank and he had a helmet on with a chin strap and it just was bad, bad. He looked like a bobblehead doll. He had one of those big helmets on, yeah, and his head was and it said Dukakis across the front and I think it was, was it Bush?

Or I think Bush at the time was running against them. And they actually had that in a Bush ad and said, is this the man you want leading the military? And he just did a tag with his head going. But it lost the, it was as good as, yeah! As far as. They were going to North Dakota! They were going to North Dakota! They were going to North Dakota! They were going to North Dakota!

Yeah! Yeah! There was a similar one. George W. Bush was running against John Kerry. And John Kerry visited, it might have been Intel or something, but he had to wear, I think it's called a bunny suit, right? So the whole thing is like dustproof, and all that showed was his face,

right? It had like a helmet and the W people. He was crawling through like a tube. Yeah, yeah. And he was coming out of it and he's smiling and he just looked like a blithering idiot. Yeah, yeah. So they showed this picture

again and again and again, right? Him in this silly bunny suit. The picture I'm showing, it didn't really have ears. But anyway, they showed this picture again and again and again, right? Him in this silly bunny suit. The picture I'm showing, it didn't really have ears. But anyway, they showed this again and again, and they asked the W people, like, why are you running this picture? And they were like, we just like it a lot. I was like, all right, I see. I get it. There are those moments that instantly trash a presidential.

Yeah, look at that! What is he doing? Oh, he looks terrible. He looks like the front of the human centipede. How do you play Twister during the coronavirus? He looks pathetic.

No one's going to look good in that. None of us would look good in that outfit. I think your people would say no don't do that right you're running but you're gonna look like an idiot i wonder if his people were too subservient right you know maybe he doesn't hire yes man the last thing you need as a presidential candidate are yes men you just have to have someone that'll go yeah you know all these other people that blew it during the election that's gonna be you if you do this yeah see all right but what if trump had had one of those guys like whoa mr trump this isn't gonna work oh that he had he only has those guys but then he says he doesn't have any of those guys

it's the complete opposite dick if you disagree with trump you get. Now he only has yes men left. Or wait, wait. What if he did have a whole team and we saw the soft version of Trump? What if he didn't do all the stuff? I think we're going to need a big burning cross right here in the state. Let them know down here in South Carolina how we roll. No, you know what?

I'm going to go out there. I'm going to say that this coronavirus is retarded. Oh, my God. And if we've ever been dominated by a retard, I don't think so. We're going to keep it going. This is crazy. Yeah, maybe we're not seeing all the bad, really bad stuff. I want to change the American flag to that thing they love in the South.

We've got to win Florida. I've checked. You can fit all the stars on it. I love it. It's on the top of the Dukes of Hazzard car. People love that shit. He wants the presidential limo to be the Dukes of Hazzard car. I want to come jumping over the Lincoln Monument.

All these people calling races, people calling races, lots of dumb people, lots of idiots saying this. I just like the car. I think the car. I like the car. What's the matter with the car? Yeah.

It's sliding like Bodu. Dude, his his giant ass hood sliding and dense. It leaves a dent across the hood like a comet just hit Earth. A full fucking dent with scrapes. He's got paint on his ass when he gets off it. He easily has the largest ass of any president in the last century. He's a doughy guy. Maybe taft. Yes, taft got a big doughy ass.

But you can't think that Joe Biden is mentally sound. Let me do this again, you son of a bitch. I got it. I'm using a Canon camera, and I did all the settings, but every half hour, it just shuts off anyway. I don't know why. You're not good at fixing it. Whatevs.

I know how to turn it on very quickly. Very quickly. Very quickly. Nobody's quick. You got to say Biden is gone. Like the guy, I've seen his mind go in the past three months, even more than it was. So it's not going to get better. I've had family members that have suffered with Alzheimer's. It doesn't get better. It just gets worse. And I think, and being familiar with that, I know the look. I know that thing where

when his sister and his wife were on stage and he goes, they switched on me. They switched. People with Alzheimer's are going through dementia. They will try to instantly make an excuse and get very defensive as to why they made a mistake. And it's all I'm seeing in this guy.

And anyone that's endorsing him. Or trying to act like they would just be silly. Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's just Joe being Joe. What, senile? Is that Joe being Joe? I saw a meme yesterday. The good part that you guys are overlooking

is he will laugh at the same goat.com joke every week. That's true. Now, there's a plus. It's a very easy audience. There's an upside. i saw a meme yesterday and and it was uh it was obama like leaning into joe to whisper and he says joe i just want you to know i'm endorsing you and joe goes great great for what the memes are brutal brutal memes man do you think he's gonna debate trump like do you think he's gonna show up no no they're gonna i guarantee you this they if even makes it to the point where they have to debate they will claim some kind of a covid thing they'll say he can't

be in the same room and and they'll even try to change the format of a debate where it's like they're pre they're given the questions in advance. Some type of thing where it's more like a town hall that he's been doing, which are totally he's on prompter. He knows the questions. He doesn't even have to know the questions. He's reading off a prompt. He's not well. He's not a well man. I think they'll do some kind of like,

you know what, we're not going to let Trump do his antics in front of everyone. I'm going to lower my campaign. I think they're going to have debates like they always do. They're going to have debates like they always do. They did it in the Democratic primaries and they'll do it in the general. I hope you're right because it's going to be

fucking funny again. I thought we would never see anything as funny as 2016. You'd be in jail. Click. Greatest comeback ever. And the crowd went wild. The moderators were laughing. The fucking moderators. Anderson Cooper was like,

we just want to remind the crowd to don't do that. Because the crowd's going, yeah! Lock her up! I was reading, to get off a politics review, I was reading something today about how Chile

is counting people who die of coronavirus as recovered because they're no longer contagious is that chilly oh no yeah they're saying like technically the truth subreddit right like yeah they're not technically wrong yeah they're definitely wrong the problem is resolved mean, we have a resolution. They won't be a problem. They won't be a problem anymore.

Yeah. Yeah. Looks like 25% of Wyoming stay-at-home workers are drinking during work hours, according to their own report. That's actually down from 40%. When they had to go to work. And they had to go be cowboys or whatever the fuck happens in Wyoming. Drill for oil. I don't know.

I love the fact that guns and alcohol are setting record sales numbers through this. It's so American. The people that spam are loving this. They're just like, oh, we need some meats that'll last forever. I bought some spam. Is there still a toilet paper shortage?

Is that over? It'll keep you alive. No, the toilet paper shortage is still going. Is it? Ours came in the mail today. Oh, you lucky, lucky dog. I got one roll left. Really? I hope you have a bunch of paper towels so you can put the septic system.

I do, but I only have one roll left. Dude, I was in a bad spot. That's tough. I was in a bad spot. That's tough. I was in a bad spot with toilet paper. I found a computer script that will run on Amazon Fresh and refresh it all day and find you a window. So you can load your card up with all the toilet paper you can get and then let it run all day. And it'll go, hey, we found you a spot. And then by the time you get to the, then you jump up. It says a window is available.

I jump off the couch, run over and hit go. And it's like, okay, half of your toilet papers are not available, but here you go. There's a bot. There's a Twitter bot that will tweet at you whenever there is toilet paper available on Amazon. And it'll give you a, what do you call those links that are like where they get a chunk, an affiliate link. And you can jump on there real quick and get yourself some toilet paper, but I don't use Twitter. It's like trying to buy shares in an IPO

and it'll just give you a couple at a time at a different price. I thought Kyle was about to say, don't use toilet paper. No, I ordered like a big, I don't know, 12-pack or something like a month and a half, two months ago, and I think it'll be here in eight days.

Eight days, one roll. Not a square to spare maybe not shitting again i ordered a bunch of hand sanitizer like five weeks ago and i am flush with hand sanitizer right now i've got so much i feel like that's where i thought that's where we were and i got a bunch of guns everyone's ever clear uh some states don't allow the sale of ever clear. It's like 190 to 195% alcohol. Pretty much pure alcohol. Yeah. And we're just,

I'm just, or she is, she's mixing that with like those like all natural lavender scented bullshit sprays that don't work. It's my rheumatism medicine. It's like you're running a still outside for hand sanitizer. You spray that shit on your hands and rub it around, and it makes the smell of hand sanitizer seem tremendously weak.

Like you smell like a straight-up alcoholic if you use this stuff to try and clean your hands. Ah, see, but there's a problem with that. So you don't want anything much stronger than 60 alcohol because it evaporates too quickly to get the job done well you mix it with aloe or with a different kind of spray yeah well it's still the alcohol content of the of the total solution needs to still be around 60 62 but it would drop if you mix it with aloe am i confused that makes sense because if it goes away too fast then the germ is uh you know still like ah you didn't you missed me yeah maybe i haven't worked the kinks up i made you scientific

jargon i i think uh my friend kitty is selling a hand sanitizer she's finally got her her hand sanitizer bottling business going over on one tree lane on etsy if anybody wants some hand sanitizer head on she'll appreciate it support kitty she Kitty. She sent me a bunch of pictures yesterday of these little hand sanitizer bottles all labeled up and pretty. Good deal. Save your life before it's too late. I mean, you go to some gas stations and they have it sold

in five-hour energy bottles now. Really? Exorbitant prices, too. At $4. They put hand sanitizer in 5-hour energy bottles? It's the same container as a 5-hour energy, but it's got a different label on it. So it's just that little turn-off bottle, but it's hand sanitizer, limit two per customer at the mobile on the runs near my house, and you can buy one little tiny one for $4.

I misunderstood. I thought they literally, like like there's people in some back room chugging five hour energies not even relabeling it just filling it with hand sanitizer working very efficiently i would assume every time it's just bright yellow coming straight through so i mean i'm sure everyone you know how's everybody doing in the quarantine you guys feeling comfortable you getting restless dick anthony how are you coming i fucking hate it man i can't sleep like i i don't know why i'm staying up till like 5 a.m

every day um i feel like like i i feel like this weird like in the Matrix when he takes the red pill and all the metal goes all over him. I feel mental illness creeping all over my body like that. And it's really weird. It's really weird to say out loud. There's only yesterday, today, and tomorrow. That's it. There's no more days. I don't know what day it is.

I've had to check my calendar for the month. I'm not dealing with it well. How about you, Anthony? I'm still doing my show. I do that from my house now because I had a studio in my basement. That's where I started this whole thing five years ago when I got fired from

SiriusXM. We went and moved to a studio in the city about four years ago. We still have to a studio in the city about four years ago. And we still have shows going on in the city for guys that live there. And then for me and my partner, Dave Landau, my co-host, he's living at my house. He lives at my house with Drew, who is my engineer. He's living in the maids quarters around back. And we do the show every day like we normally would. So it's actually been more convenient during this because I don't have to get into the city on the train or anything. We're doing our shows still live, 4 o'clock p.m.

But as far as after the show goes, nothing's changed either. I come upstairs. I go on Call of Duty. I play Warzone. And I play that until 5A. As I watch Mannix, Columbo, or Mannix, Cannon, and Barnaby Jones. That's about it. Eventually, you pass out, and the next day begins.

That's how my life has been. So I don't notice aside from not going out. And when you do have to go out, you feel like you're in this dirty environment that you need to clean yourself up from when you get back in the house. But it is, it's, it's,

it's kind of anxiety inducing just the gravity of the whole thing, the hugeness of it. It's global. This is a world event, and not many of those happen. I'm liking being able to stream all the time now. Are you streaming a bunch? Oh, I'm streaming.

Taylor Mirko on Twitch. Follow me on Twitch. I'm streaming all the time during this. And yeah, it's a ton of fun. I popped into Mr. Dick Masterson, LA-based comedian on Twitch. Follow me on Twitch. I'm streaming all the time during this. It's a ton of fun. I popped into Mr. Dick Masterson, LA-based comedian on Twitch. Follow him as well. Hey, Kumia on Twitch.

Hey, Kumia on Twitch. Let's get them all out there. Woody's Gamer Tag on Twitch. There you go. I was like, I wonder if I'll come up at all. We're all up. I popped into your stream a couple times, Dick, and you're just sitting there banging away, singing on your piano. I needed to legitimize the alcoholism, so now I just play piano every night while I'm drinking,

pretending I'm in an Old West saloon. We also got a hamster. My girlfriend and I got a hamster on day one because mentally I need to imprison a smaller animal, smaller space to get through it. So I have a hamster cam on the, on the hamster on the stream at the same time. The hamster is not very active.

No, that's the, no, she knows where the money is. I tell her that only come out, you know, only come out on the subscribers. Don't just give it away for free.

So that's good. Are you streaming during quarantine, Anthony? Oh, yeah, yeah. I do either. I go on Instagram Live and I'll do karaoke. I'll go down and do some compound karaoke down in the basement.

And on Twitch, I'll play Modern Warfare. Sometimes if i'm getting really beat up in modern warfare i'll go back to battlefield one where i'm awesome just to make myself feel better about myself about modern warfare i'm wondering first of all are you good at it i'm getting better i and i thought that would never happen, but a multiplayer, I'm getting better on war zone. And I think, look, I could sit here and blame other things.

I understand, but the, there is a real problem with war zone. There's a lag going on. I'm getting, I'm getting frame rates that are just abysmal. I'm getting packet losses that literally the other day, it said packet loss, 3000%. I'm getting packet losses that literally the other day it said packet loss

3000%. I'm like, that's not even over a hundred. Like it's taking other people's packets and throwing them in the garbage. I couldn't fathom how I'm losing so many packets, but, but, but I I've had to play on Xbox using the Zim so I could use a mouse and keyboard because I'm not a controller guy.

So I use the Zim on Xbox and I play that way and it's a little better. But I'm hearing from a lot of people that are playing Warzone that they're having these horrible lag issues. So I'm curious about this. One thing that if you're on a show or something, do you have amazing friends at the game? It's almost like getting into fights, and it's like, yeah, I enjoy a good street fight. Me and these three UFC fighters, we like to roam the halls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do have a couple of guys that are really good.

Yeah. And it's a good, bad thing because we wind up winning rounds, but I'm always at the bottom of the list oh yeah like 19 kills 17 kills 13 and by four is the guy from the simpsons four and 18 and you just feel like a loser yeah i'm really good i'll tell you one thing about warzone that i really like there's so many battle royale games out there now and uh in order to come up with a new twist on it it's very difficult but i think warzone did a good job i like this gulag thing it's your second chance you get killed in the game normally you're out you go to a gulag you're teamed up in this jail-like uh setting with another person that got taken out and you have one chance you have a gun you go

through this shower looking thing and if you kill them you're back in the game and i like that for one more chance and then if you die you're out but i like that aspect of it and i'm very very good at the gulag battles nice i was playing escape from karkov which is a first person shooter survival milson okay yep and i'm larry the strong very good at the game i'm in the game with him and we're on labs which is the map where all the big bosses you know tend to fight each other the chads the most aggressive players and we get into a firefight and larry literally has me stand in the lady's bathroom while he takes care of things it's like okay but i'm not closing the door oh that's awesome i heard that's a really

good game i have not even i heard it's amazing i don't know why i haven't tried it yet because i i've been with this um with a few games uh over the past maybe couple of years even where i haven't had time to fit a new one in like that unless it's something like call of duty but uh yeah i've heard it's a great game it has uh rpg aspects so your character over time is becoming stronger faster sneakier like he'll literally recoil on the gun his footsteps are quieter but it's not like where you could play maybe like two weeks of fallout and all of a sudden your guy is like a big boss character no you can play three months and your

guy has leveled up like 20 of his potential oh wow i like that i mean play a lot it takes some work some effort i like there's a market there's like an economy in the game for items that are that have various rarities within the multiplayer world so it's a looter shooter to some extent you're you're looking for this incredibly valuable loot and then you can put it on an in-game flea market that other players interact with and the the market value of things varies based on a number of factors but they've done an incredible job in this game the gunplay is awesome there's it's very milsim so like you know you're a gun guy so like you know if you look at ar-15 all the crazy different

attachments that you could put on it all that's in there it's like going to a gun store when you customize out a weapon like i like the idea of that i like the idea of of being able the longer you play the more experience you get the better you do. It makes your player better, your character better, and your weapons better. I don't like this one-size-fits-all that a lot of these do, that they don't allow you to get a better weapon

than anyone else. It's sort of that everyone wins, everyone gets a trophy kind of thing. That I don't like. I like the idea that through playing, you'll get better attributes. You can run out of money in this game. One thing to keep in mind. Like real money?

I don't know if you're aware of this. No, that's a good thing. No microtransactions. Oh, okay, okay. You put in your $125, $140 or whatever to get the best version of the game, which it's worth it to do that. And then after that, you're on your fucking own. You can literally run out of in-game money and not have a gun essentially because because when you die everything that you brought in your kit your

helmet your sunglasses your active earwear your armor if if i pick that shit up and i take it with me you've lost that oh god now it hurts so bad not only remember the feeling of that nightmare. Not only have I lost all my stuff, but you, who killed me, my least favorite person, now he has my shit. It's the worst feeling. That was the nightmare that was when I first started years ago

playing EverQuest. I played EverQuest for so long. And the idea that I got all this stuff, hours killing little bugs to get enough copper to buy a loincloth that had some armor attributes to it. And then I'd fall in a hole and die and lose it. It was just, I can't imagine. I remember your early ONA show or not early on, but one of the shows where you got banned

from your EverQuquest guild and you were like and all these kids were getting to me and eventually i was just screaming online i i make more money than you and i fuck a lot yeah yeah yelling at 15 year olds this is a famous twitch clip of someone like just giving me a really hard hard time in an xbox lobby and i go all right i want you to listen to me and this is the god's honest truth i've had sex today and you haven't you just get so pissed you have to get real i've had more sex today than you've had your entire life guys i have to i have to bug out man thanks for coming though I love it

so much fun thanks so much for getting in touch and having me back during these most trying of time yeah of course gotta do it again sooner yes absolutely we will I really fucking have a great time hanging out with you guys yeah we love having you awesome

have a great rest of your evening and weekend and quarantine and I hope this gets better. Don't take any shit from those kids. Yeah. Young ruffians. Take it easy, man. Yeah. All right. Check out Compound Media to get

all your Anthony fix. So Anthony, just put your mouse over your own video and click the red you know what i did i just clicked off you're still here though yeah i know i i know i'm looking for the uh where's the button put your mouse over your own picture and click leave call other thing that i know what i did was um I totally shut everything down so now it's just my desktop and nothing else

and Missy by the way has 8000 this isn't my computer so you can't leave is what I'm hearing you don't see discord discord there it is yeah yeah mouse over your picture now I can see myself again. There it is.

There, disconnect. It's easy. Good night. Take it easy. I'll talk to you later, Anthony. He did it. All right. Nicely done.

I just imagine him crawling underneath and like... You guys are all internet guys. Have you ever left it on by accident and recorded yourself having sex in the next room or anything like that? I don't understand how people are that careless. I don't understand how people are that careless with their shit. It's like, you know. Licker, that's how. When we get offline, it's like, all right, good night, guys.

And we all click leave call, I'm sure. There's a video of that happening to a girl. And it couldn't have been an accident. I mean, she was just so well-framed the entire time. She stopped and started flicking her bean or something? No, no, no. She blew her boyfriend,

then she had sex with her boyfriend. On the chair? I remember it as a couch. It could be off. It might be a chair. I'm not confident on that. There was a recent one, and it was literally from a porno.

So you have to keep... That's how meta porn is now there are pornos made about hot streamer girls who forget to turn off their camera and bang their boyfriends behind the scenes porno we were shooting this this is behind the scenes of the porno the other people there's a subreddit for that it's called extras but with three x's and it's behind the scenes of pornos yeah i accidentally left uh my audio on after i didn't i don't really understand how twitch works because i'm drunk every time i use it so i thought i thought rating people would just send everybody away and like host it like just you know turn you off so i didn't bother shutting anything down i wanted to go eat and uh i and keep continue drinking and somebody texted me uh somebody texted me on discord like hey idiot

uh you left your hey boomer you left your audio and i had this like oh no feeling like the stomach drop out like oh god okay what have we been doing what have we been doing no you're too drunk to have sex thank god uh we just watched jurassic park oh thank christ thank you sir please here's a ten thousand dollar gift certificate to this tour dude you're not you're not alone about the you know rating thing the first time i rated someone on twitch because everybody like because you're about to close the stream out i'm sure what do you get the same thing everybody does with like raid so and so raid so and so send your fans over there. And I did that to someone. And thank God, all that I did in the time before someone

messaged me was just sit there like a retard and pull up YouTube videos I was going to watch later in the night. And I didn't say anything. And then as soon as I got that message, I was just like, oh, thank God. Oh, thank God. I didn't say anything.

Another successful Twitch stream. I didn't say anything another successful Twitch stream I didn't say boop or boop didn't watch any naked people I accidentally I accidentally streamed tits one of my first streams back it was an accident and I didn't get

banned for that and so I think they understand. You should pretend like you don't know the camera's on. You just be like, all right, everyone, welcome to the eighth meeting of the White Knights. I'm Grand Wizard Taylor, and I'm here to conduct the meeting. Yeah, that's... They just call me the head.

Call me the White Wizard. I'm going to leave the call and come right. Uh, I told me the white wizard. I'm going to leave the call and come right back and see if it makes the quality better. Do you have a red bar? It's robot. He is fucked to me too. You guys, it's fluctuating.

I'm in yellow zone and I get a little bit of road robotics. It's not me. It's somewhere. I'm in red right now, but I hear all you guys really clearly. It's just your videos. I'm better. A little robot.

Yeah. When mine goes bad, I might, my shit just drops. It's, it's rare that I have like, I'm in. You guys just could sound better. A little robot-y. Yeah, when mine goes bad, my shit just drops. It's rare that I have like a... I'm in red. I'll come right back. I'll be back in one second. I don't know if it'll fix it.

Yeah. I'm back. That did fix it. I'm still red. No, it's back red again. Never mind. Mine's jumping from red to green, red to green. All right.

I interrupted the flow. I'm just trying to make it better. My shit's yellow. You're good. Your shit's yellow. Oh, I mean, yeah, I'm green. Let's all just do live tracking of our connection. Green, green, green, green.

Yellow, yellow, yellow. I can give you guys a Zencaster link if you want to try that. I don't know if you've ever tried it before. That would throw so many wrenches into so many gears. It's like we're flying cross-country in a plane and one of the engines starts going out. And he's like, hey, I got some train tickets if anybody's interested in that. We could just. We're into the last hour and 40 minutes.

We can't be making these shifts. We're fucking mid-flight, brother. I watched a movie last night, or maybe it was the night before. It's a Nicolas Cage movie, which is a very risky thing. It's like eating food that's... It's going to be good, yeah. It's like grabbing that hamburger meat that's like three days expired. Maybe it's going to make you real sick's like three days expired maybe it's gonna

make you real sick to your stomach i want to get the hair basking thought her tigers are too good for expired meat not me you can tell how good it's gonna be based on like how much of a skeleton he looks like the more nicholas cage resembles the storyteller from tales from the crypt like the worse it's gonna be his hair gets wilder and bigger and he gets skinnier and skinnier as the movies get worse. You know what he was really good in was Mandy. He was amazing in Mandy. I love Mandy and I picked this

because it had it looked a little like Mandy to me. It's called Color Out of Space. Which for some reason is hard for me to remember. I want to say Outer Space but it's hard for me to remember i want to say outer space but it's color out of space it's not good all right look look i'm letting you know right now i was recommending once upon a time in hollywood on pkn this week i strongly recommend it to anybody who

wants to see it great wonderful fucking five stars excellent loved it loved it loved it this movie is is i don't even know how to rate it it's so bizarre the characters make some of the dumbest decisions i've ever seen characters make in my fucking life like it's comical it's so bad it's good i'll say that like it's very gory very violent at times it's real psychedelic so if you're one of those guys out there who's not getting piss tested uh have at it have fucking at it and this is the movie for you because like this purplish pink meat it's a hp lovecraft uh story so like this purple pinkish meteorite lands on this farm where nicholas cage is at with his wife his son his daughter and their dog and he's there's

a little bit of comic relief because he's got alpacas out that he's invested tons of money in out in his garage he's like do you know how much money i spent on those alpacas out that he's invested tons of money in out in his garage. And he's like, do you know how much money I spent on those alpacas? He's freaking out over his alpacas. He's milking them and drinking the milk. Cheech Marin from Cheech and Chong is like living on their property and like a guest house type thing. So he's there for comic relief, but then shit fucking falls off the rails and gets super crazy and gory and violent. And it's,

uh, it's nuts. It got an 86% on rotten tomatoes, more evidence that rotten tomatoes sucks. But I don't know how to rate the movie. I'm saying that if it's that high and I trust Kyle's take on movies, cause I tend to like what Kyle likes. I get,

that's pretty rough. I don't know what, I don't know how to rate this movie. It was so weird. Like there's a scene where like some alien shit's been going on family members are dead and the kids like looking in the well and he hears what he thinks is a dog and he goes well i gotta climb down in the well and it's like what do you mean you've gotta climb down in the well he starts climbing down inside of like one of those old-timey like lower the bucket down into it wells it's uh it's a weird fucking movie but i enjoyed it because i like where'd you watch it

uh did you rent i rented it i think i rented it for four bucks or something like you are gung-ho with your renting i i generally don't rent not as much as you think um like once upon a time in hollywood that that was on star so i got that for free but yeah if i'm gonna watch a movie what i do is i think back to the old days before streaming. I'm like, well, shit, I would go to the video store twice a week. I'd get two movies. That was $8 every time. And you're always going to have this fucking late fees.

So it's like, this is cheap by comparison. This is entertainment. It's on here for the next two days. And multiple people share my Amazon account, so they're going to get to watch it. It's on here for the next two days and multiple people share my Amazon accounts and they're going to get to watch it. It just seems worth it. Seems like there's some value there for me. A lot of quarantined individuals are going to watch this and they're looking for content. What are some easily available shows that you guys love that you would recommend people start tearing through? Live PD. Live PD. All right. You can

watch this on YouTube. It's the modern version of Cops. They're in 16 to 20 minute episodes. You get about 4 or 5 police situations per episode in various cities. You can probably find your city. Missouri,

a lot of meth. I'm going to tell you that right now. You guys have a methamphetamine problem. It's pretty fun we're winning meth and then you pop into the city and we're winning murder bitch that's what i was talking about before the show started when i was watching it or maybe it was you know i lose track of the pre-show and in actual show but like the cops pulled this guy over in florida and he had like a jar of wax like like marijuana wax. And they were like, well, he's just got like eight grams of wax. So we're going to cite him, which means write him a ticket and send him on his way. And I was just like, son of a bitch.

I was at a Trump rally. Lock him up. Lock him up. It just didn't seem, It seems so unfair to me. But then I'll see... It is unfair. That's why it seemed that way. It's wildly unfair. It's a reasonable conclusion.

I don't know if Dick is a pot user being in California or not. Are you kidding, man? I'm a big psychedelics user. I got so many... I know you are because of your fucking Burning Man shit. Yeah, I got... There was a festival plan during this this pandemic that i stocked up on so now i've just got a giant pile of i've got a giant pile of hand sanitizer one ply toilet paper stupid outfits and acid and i have been

i have been tearing i've been tearing through it like a chemist. And this whole thing is the booze isn't working anymore. So I will definitely check out that College from Outer Space movie. The booze isn't working. It stopped working. It stopped making me happy. It changes something else. Yeah. If you want to,

I think it would really be, I've never done acid but i feel like this would be a really good movie to trip to just because of the the like colors and the cgi is actually good and uh the the the meteorite starts mutating the scenery to make it more like wherever it's from and it's like this alice in wonderland sort of like pink and pinkish purple landscape. The trees and the flowers start mutating. His tomatoes are like, he's like, you know,

Nicolas Cage is so manic and insane. He's just like picking his tomatoes. He's like, look at this. They're huge. They're huge. And two weeks early. Did he win an Oscar? Am I correct? An Oscar. Yeah. Yeah. He's won an Oscar for best acting, best actor. Living in Las Vegas?

I believe it was living in Las Vegas for a month. I find this very confusing. Okay. Well, it's certainly not because he's the grandchild of Francis Ford Coppola, right? I didn't know that. No, I don't think you can really get the Academy to do what you want. Certainly not. Hollywood isn't in such a situation.

Story and directing matters, I guess. I think it does. I think that was a genuinely good performance uh that year i don't know uh what he was up against sometimes that's very telling like you'll look back at like who won like if you go back to the years that leonardo dicaprio was nominated and you see who he had to go up against it was like some of those things where you go back to like you're like man i thought that guy was a good baseball player how was he not the best pitcher that year oh oh that was the year where you had to go against this guy that guy this was like he was slated against daniel day lewis or something right yeah i remember that year he was up against uh jeff foxworthy

so kyle that's the show you would say live pd dick what do you what i was gonna go with ozark that's what i've been binging on lately i i finished season two i had a bad take on it i i was on twitch ranting about how much i dislike season one and i guess the way they laundered money which is they literally put it in laundry machines uh sat with me the wrong way and after that i i like couldn't get past it but i watched season two and i was like this is pretty good and everyone says season two is the worst of the three seasons not bad just maybe an average season sandwiched by two very good ones now i'm on season three i'm only two episodes in i'm enjoying it as well ozark has my attention

well that's an actual part of like passing money along is is throwing in the laundry machines to like rough it up yeah they were they were doing that to like make it more crinkled and and like not as obvious that you're laundering you know fresh bills but yeah ozark is sick what i like about the ozarks you guys none of you have probably ever been to the lake of the ozarks i'm from st louis i've been dozens of times and the kind of people they're showing there that are like those yeah these are kind of our parts those people exist they are all over the goddamn place you go and fill up your gas and you'll get bad looks from locals like people who think that like you're because you live a few hours north you don't belong there which i guess you don't but yeah they're poor as fuck very poor

people around i i get that same vibe when i watch the sopranos like oh yeah yeah that's the thing that people who act like that people who look like that oh yeah welcome to belleville all right yeah some of the swimmers on my team were from belleville and um uh oh they're at the very beginning when they play the song and do the streets i've either seen those streets or they're just so characteristics of streets I've seen I think I have I've been on the New Jersey Turnpike but I mean that's not saying much when I see them go through the toll and I see the sign for the Turnpike I'm like yeah they show 16W which is unless the Devils change where they play I don't think they have

it's pretty exit 16W 16 wins is what it takes to win the Stanley Cup 16W takes you to the Devil's Arena. I just have, I'm imagining Woody like watching The Sopranos and being like, ah, Italians. I know how they are. They're a shiny, aggressive people. They're very shiny folk.

And they hug a lot. Yeah, yeah. Jackie's like best friend growing up. They're still friends to this day. Are Italian. And yeah, they keep throwing in Italian words and they hug and they kiss you and they feed you. Yeah. If you don't call

Capicola Gabbagool, it's not an Italian place. They say Gabbagool. Yeah. I don't even know what that is, but yeah. I just found out recently. They pronounce Capicoli. Oh yeah, is that what it is, but yeah. I just found out recently. They pronounce Capicoli. Oh, yeah. Is that what it is? Otherwise?

It's a cold-cut lunch meat. Okay. I love cold-cut Italian meats, and they are tremendously bad for you. A little bit of sodium in them, I hear. Yeah. But, I mean, I've eaten an entire place full of Italian meats with the assurance that one of my good friends, Kyle, says that sodium doesn't matter. It's true.

The temporary bloating, and then you're just you again. Yeah. The fact that the next morning all my veins are bulging, my face is red, nah. Breaking capillaries on my cheeks. You saved so much money on bone broth, though. That's true. Yeah, bone broth.

You know that Alex had to take down some of his coronavirus cure products, right? He was getting threatened by the FDA. I was disappointed because Taylor said if you claim that you can fix the coronavirus, the FDA will absolutely buttfuck you. And then what happened to Alex Jones is they tapped on his shoulder and said, dear sir,

you need to take those down. So basically the way that works is the FDA or the NAD, National Advertising Division of the FDA, they will come to you if you're one of those people. And if your claims aren't like too egregious, they'll be like, shut this shit down. You have to change your packaging immediately.

Okay, you can sell through your current inventory, but shut this shit down. Some companies and some small companies in the middle of this corona thing will be like, nah, nah, we're going to risk it. And then they'll sell for a couple more weeks and then the FDA prepares a case and then that company's out of business forever. And so that's generally how it goes as far as misleading products. But yeah, the FDA and the NAD are hounding companies right now, especially like up and coming new companies online they're like hey you just take this special cbd oil with vitamin c in it and you won't get corona and it's like oh dude if they can get rid

of cbd that would be so amazing i'm so tired of seeing cbd smart nano water and cbd toilet paper and the worst part is knowing that there's some uh thought on instagram uh which by the way why are they allowed to have their big eye puppy filters if they're advertising uh is knowing that they're selling it somewhere like i'm i'm so over cbd um well i mean you're in california you're in ground zero for all this pot shit. Is CBD bad in some way? It's nothing. Preface, some guy I fly a paraglider with gave it to his very old dog, and he said it was a miracle for this dog. And all this joint issues, and it took four years off him.

It does help. It helps dogs a lot. I've heard that exact same thing. And then also, my grandpa, who's in his mid-70s, is a trucker. That helps dogs a lot. I've heard that exact same thing. And then also like my, my grandpa, who's a, you know, in his mid seventies trucker, you know, that's what he did before he was a farmer. And he has like that. He has his hands are the size of my head, which is mind blowing. They're just enormous farmer hands that have been beat to shit so many times,

you know, that like regrows with new bones and everything. And he was like, yeah, Taylor, i can't close my hand very well i started you know your grandma told me to take this cbd shit and i was like i'm not trying to get high i just don't want to you know have my hand not closed he took it he was able to close his hand within about three weeks and then he was like this shit makes me too tired i don't like it i'm stopping i'd rather have a fucked up hand and so he stopped taking it entirely and so yeah that's where he's at it seems to help a lot of people but also uh something that i saw come out is like it elevates your liver enzymes a lot which is apparently very not good to have elevated liver enzymes i don't

know exactly why but yeah that's my wife has trouble with their hands but look we all have our things uh her mom's hands aged kind of early like even when i first met her in her 40s her mother's hands were always delicate and now i see jackie on that same path and you know i've had to retrain her like you get a ziploc bag that's fighting you you get colin you get me you know that'sploc bag that's fighting you? You get Colin. You get me. You know? That's not Jackie stuff right there.

You know? Like, you got something heavy to lift. You got something that vibrates like a vacuum cleaner or something. I know. And she just can't have that. That's not for her anymore. Has she tried CBD? No.

If she has arthritis, like, that's one of the things that's genuinely good for her. Maybe she should try a little bit. We went to a hand surgeon, and he's like, yep, you got arthritis, and it's the kind that sucks and I can't help you with. Maybe we'll try that. This is just the new you. That's like a quote. He's like, I can write your prescription for a maid because vacuuming is bad.

Vacuuming, and there's another thing that vibrates. I can't remember what it was. That's a problem. It's that old... I can't imagine what Kyle was. He's just like going to the doctor and they're like... Oh, go ahead, Dick. Sorry.

No, I was making a vibrator joke. You let someone else hold that now. We're trying to do that with my dad he got a hernia yeah with a vibrator uh my mom's vibrator is huge size of fire hose he got a hernia picking it up he was helping my sister uh put up a batting cage in the backyard and he just never he never waits for anybody um which used to be funny because you just let him fuck it up but then he he got a he herniated himself i don't know in his stomach so now we're like look man you just gotta you gotta just stop you got a bunch of guys here you can text you got to

let's let the four-year-old nephew do it before you but please stop it yeah is your dad when i called into your show a year and a half ago is your dad that fucker who doesn't serve meat hot because that's no no that's my that's my brother-in-law's dad uh who's an insane person no my dad's an incredible chef uh he would never do when i stepped away from the show earlier i don't know if you saw me look at the door and leave for a bit jackie had dropped something on her hand uh kitchen thing from the pantry and she dropped on her and she really hurt it like it's bleeding and it's smashed to some extent and it's like woman you have an almost 17 year old boy you know probably right next to you you offload jobs like that to us you know

yeah that's the new you yeah colin can handle that easy yeah that's start passing that off to colin or yes hope's there as well yeah what's she doing she's got conscripts wandering around the house you're right colin's first choice let the boys carry the heavy shit yeah or me i would have got i was thinking it was like almost a reaching thing but i guess the heavy is is hope taller than jackie could she reach better no jackie's third tallest, yeah. Dude, Colin and I stood next to each other, right? Jackie couldn't tell who was taller and my hair is giving me an inch and a half

right now because I haven't been to the barber. So we got something straight and we put it on our heads and it was like level, level. But Colin has more height in his neck than me. So my shoulders are higher and sort of bigger, but our heads and it was like level level but colin has more height in his neck than me so like my shoulders are higher and sort of bigger but our heads are at the he is passing me soon he's only 16 he's still a little more 16 yeah he's got a little oh he's he's gonna be he's gonna be

mogging you in a year or two yes and don't forget he's late to puberty like me. So, like, 16, you're hearing 16, you're like, he's got another year of growth in him? Nah, two probably. He's got two more years of growth. He's on that Barron Trump trajectory. Well, Barron Trump appears to be about 6'8". Right now. That is one of the biggest minors in the country.

Right now, you see him. Okay. The only funnier picture with baron in it is when that like thing went around where it's like ever since trump touched that magic orb longer but like dude baron trump is so big he looks photoshopped in like he's like trump's a tall guy. He says he's 6'3", don't buy that. Probably 1.5, 6'2". But, god damn! That kid is going to be slaying! Yeah. My dad was the president and I'm 6'10". And I also like that

I haven't seen a lot of press around Barron Trump. He's not a player in this whole Republican-Democrat food fight. Leave Barron alone. Barron Trump, 2048, let's go! Yeah, you shouldn't fuck with the kids. I hate that meme so much

where it's like every Trump child becoming president for eight years into the 22nd century. That is fucking boomer fuel right there, where it's like, yeah, we want a vonk-controlled president. It's like, what? Someone who's just

a Democrat? Yeah, alright, sure. She's hot. Wait, she's a Democrat? I mean, she... What's one conservative position she holds? None. I don't know any position she holds. I just see her support her father. I just...

By the causes she supports she doesn't really give a fuck about any you know she seems to be more left-leaning but but the whole point i don't give a shit either way she's never gonna be president but yeah that meme of like 2020 2024 2028 2032 yeah it's gonna be fucking done junior and it's like do you guys like just want to go back to kings because just say it and I'll be okay with that. No, they're trolling. They're trolling the left because that's the left's biggest fear, right?

That's what he's accused of so much. There are definitely people who just fucking love Trump and just want that to happen. There are definitely people who think 5G is causing the coronavirus but we can't let them be outweighed. Yeah, both sides have their weapons. Yeah, they're called intelligent.

What was I going to say? Woody, are you going to cut it? Are you going to cut it tomorrow? My wife's going to cut it tomorrow. We have it all planned out. Oh, that's a live stream. That's a live stream and a half. That's not a bad idea. No, she's going to cut my hair, and

she's like, we intentionally are doing it the day after the show, so we have six days to recover from whatever is left over. Now, there'll be live streams. You have five days to recover and one day to pick out a hat. I've already got that girl's cowboy hat.

I'm going to rock it. My head's already enormous. And my hair is not doing me any favors right now. I'm going to cut my own hair if it comes out. My hair on camera, I think, looks okay. Like right now, I'm okay with this. If you saw what it really looked like, the absolute mess that is around my ears,

above it and around it, if you saw the mullet I had in the back, and I'm not used to long hair, so to me, it's absolutely insulating and hot happening in here. Like it's thick and it's, I have really thick hair, especially in the,

and it's warming. I don't like, when I go like this, I can feel it on my neck. And we're gonna trim it. I think I'm gonna keep the top a little longer than I used to cut it, but not at this point. For the first week or two of the quarantine,

probably a few weeks in, I let my beard go because I was like, oh, man, it'll be funny to just let it go for however long this takes. Then it only took five, six days before I had that thing where my neck hair just connected to my chest hair. And I was like, all right, this has got to change. This is disgusting. I'm trimming my beard. I was wearing, I guess, what you call blue dress shorts for a while. And then it's like, I'm quarantined.

What am I trying to prove so out came the camouflage cargo shorts now i'm just porky pigging it i worried i was right now uh i got a quarantine i gotta call my girlfriend's hair dyer was coming over after they shut everything down she she she got silly and uh my girlfriend fucked up her hair day one she died it went to blonde the gay guy that she went to was distracting her with stories and she wasn't you know gay men they love fucking up women's hair uh i know it they know it they won't admit it but i know they like to do this uh so she came home looking looking having a big blonde streak like on henson uh from talk soup and she said the hair dye is coming over

tomorrow do you want her to trim your hair up looks like shit i said yeah you know it's looking a little scrooge mcducky on the side so this woman does just door-to-door coronavirus delivery well they still gotta make money this was before the this was before the trump box what are you this was a time all right carry on desperate uh so she comes that none of us got yeah right uh she comes over the ppp loans i just got an email before the show from the bank saying like ah we run, we ran out of money. Sorry. She comes over. She does my girlfriend's hair, fixes it, and then my girlfriend goes straight to her phone, starts fiddling around with it. I sit down. She goes, all right, so what do you want? I said, well, you know

a trim. I've got very long hair and it's getting along on the side. So I feel her doing the blade stuff in the back, cleaning it up. I just feel her doing stuff, and I figure she's I figure she knows what she's doing, but there's no mirror in this, in my house that she's doing this in front of us is the middle of the kitchen.

So, uh, when she's almost done, my girlfriend looks up from her phone and turns white and goes, Oh God, what did you do? What did you do to your hair? I said,

what do you mean? What do you mean me? I'm not the one doing this. She stops and pulls back. She's got a, one of the straight razors the whole time. She goes, well, I thought this is what you wanted. I said, why?

What is it? Like, what have you been doing? She goes, well, I just shaved the sides. So she shaved between my hairline down to the tops of my ears, but all the way around my head. So you look like a friar i look like a troll doll if i hold my hair straight up for about three weeks i looked like a fucking troll doll like very long on top and completely nude completely bare skin all the way around i said lady uh have you ever seen anyone on earth with like anyone ever on earth have you seen with this haircut uh no so be very careful

be very careful if you're gonna cut your own hair at home woody woody have you seen the latest ufc news uh i think i haven't what whatever all right is this as exciting as every ufc update yes it is absolutely for the people who care about UFC. Both of them. Okay, Taylor. That's funny. I can see it. So, it's going to be May 9th now.

That is when the next card is. Khabib will not be competing. Still Gaethje. Not Khabib. But they are going for a super card. Three title fights. Tony Ferguson and Justin Gaethje to headline. Followed by Henry Cejudo versus Dominic Cruz,

followed by Amanda Nunez versus Felicia Spencer. Those are your three title bouts. But they're throwing in a Francis Ngannou fight, a Jeremy Stevens fight, a Donald Cerrone versus Anthony Pettis fight, Greg Hardy fight, Fabricio Verdum is fighting, Carla Esparza is fighting Michelle Watterson.

Vincente Luque versus Nico Price. Ronaldo Souza is fighting Uriah Hall. It's a ridiculous card they've put together so far. It won't be on Fight Island, which kind of upsets me. I want to see that fucking island. I hope it happens. Can you turn your camera off and on? Me?

Do you guys see it too i haven't gotten any flashes from kyle's camera he looked green thing uh it was all it wasn't pixelated but like it wasn't even human but it's better now weird thank you you know what i i think what's going on with our connection has more to do with discord right as a whole than it does with any one of us. Goddamn Rona, are they down? We're just too busy, but Kyle, that did fix it. Sorry about that.

No need to dwell on UFC. I just think it's very interesting. That's very exciting. And you say, May what? Do you remember? 9. May 9th, my birthday. Not too bad. Three weeks-ish. Yeah, and so Justin Gaethje gets three extra weeks to prepare. And that definitely means something.

I think Gaethje might win too now that there's three weeks. I did not give him much of a chance before, but three weeks is a big deal. You know that before he was training for that fight anyway. Do you remember that? Yeah, for a couple months he'd been training, yeah. But he still even he admitted that he had about 18 minutes of cardio in him okay okay yeah so for people who don't know uh ferguson has fallen apart four times already so when he saw that he said dana here's the deal

i'm gonna train for this fight and when inevitably this card falls apart like it always does i will be in shape call me and it fell apart and they called him and he got the fight so i imagine he didn't have quite the camp he would if he knew knew the fight was going to happen but he did say that and i guess he was training and ferguson claims that he is going to make weight. Not for May 9th. No, no, no. No, Mr. Stand. He is making weight for the fight that got canceled

because that's champ shit. And he is mocking Justin Gaethje for not continuing to cut weight for the canceled fight. Ferguson is a crazy person. It's absurd. I am going to cut for imaginary fights as well dick have you what are you doing are you working out lately you did the pilates thing you had a lot of no man i'm uh i was i had the suggestion of abs like before everything shut down i did not have abs i had i swear to god I feel like they were ready to pop.

I could just feel those abs ready to burst out of my stomach like alien. Ready to bud. Yeah, ready to bud. But then they shut everything down. I don't know why. My back, my shoulder have, I think, just called it quits. I have not worked out in probably three weeks. Oh, that sucks. I've been doing these

a listener sent me these exercises called the McGill 3 you guys ever heard of those? the back exercises it is back exercises right? I think you mentioned it on the show before I've been doing those and I've been plowing through Flexerol

I stole my dad and my brother-in-law's Flexerol because I'm obviously not going to the doctor to get the plague. But I've been plowing through Flexerol and acid and liquor. It helps with the pain. It doesn't completely get rid of it. But I'm itching to get back into the gym because i feel fat and retarded and worthless uh i just i feel like i gotta give it another couple days it's starting uh it's a it's a bummer to me because i was in was finally in great shape again man how old are you now 39 30 yeah that's um yeah 39 it's been so i'm much older i'm 47 you're older than you look

but it's been my observation that you know as'm 47 you're older than you look but it's been my observation that you know as you get into your 40s which you're not yet part of the whole workout thing isn't about how much effort you can put in it's about how many injuries you can avoid you know and yeah everything like you know what used to be like i got a twinge in my shoulder but it's better three days later is now a week and a half long problem and it can really knock you off your groove and oh damn i'm in that fit i mean woody as as a fellow member of the home gym master race i've been working out more than ever good for you i'm working out fucking every pretty much every day i it's great it gets my energy out makes me less anxious like i've got

like a you know for dick it. I've got a squat rack, barbell, bench, plates, all that shit in my basement because it's a pretty awesome way you can fit in your house when you live in Missouri. Lots of space. Nobody wants to live here. It's funny, especially in St. Louis. It's the math.

I was afraid that my diet discipline was going to catch up to me. I was almost afraid to weigh myself and i weighed myself today and it has not uh i'm really gonna be down a bit yeah and um so it was in my head because i know that i've had some snacks and i'm working out like an absolute animal but i am also snacking my late night snacking is out of control. I need an interview. I ate six string cheeses and a bunch of butter crackers last night.

And my fart was so bad that it woke my girlfriend up because it was just cheese. Oh, God. And so I'm just like, I'll be late at night. And it's like, you know, you need to snack. And I'll be like, well, creature comforts. You know, you need to stay healthy. It means trying times. What you need is a bunch of fucking crackers and cheese and snacks.

That sounds good. My girlfriend, who does all the shopping, she got a bunch of beef sticks. A wolf down a bunch of beef sticks. I don't even know what that is. Like the high quality. Is that a hot dog? Slim Jim bullshit. Slim Jim.

No, no. Not like Slim Jim bullshit. Higher quality stuff from a deli. A of those and i was oh it wasn't the pepperoni but it was it was wolf and i will you know what after this i'm gonna wolf some more of it down and my that's the thing for me that's been the most difficult part of this quarantine is my snacking is absolutely out of control it's just one of mine next to the snacks all the time and have discipline all the time yeah yeah i i went out to the store a few days ago and i got myself a bunch of spanish uh spanish red skin peanuts my favorite kind of peanuts i love those and they're almost gone i think it's racist sp peanuts. Have you gotten any news from your job when you might be going back?

Are they even thinking about like – So basically the way it is – Getting back in the office? It depends on the client that I have. And so I was blessed that it was more like go to meetings, do the things like that. And everything I'm doing now is over calls. like that and like everything i'm doing now is over calls and the efficient my efficiency working from right here every day has skyrocketed because meetings that otherwise would have took in i'm a fucking retard took in two hours if you were sitting in them you know because everybody's

talking they're chatting and everything during meetings what do you know how it is where everybody you know a little small talk little little breaks things like that that no longer happens it's like buckle down every call is like get it fucking done and then it's like oh shit that was a 31 minute call that would have otherwise been something i have to go into an office building somewhere and sit there for two and a half hours now i can bang out everything they want me to do in the next couple hours and so i'm able to start streaming by like 4 30 or so exaggerating with the two and a half hours you are right that's a little hyperbolic but it is not an exaggeration to say that some of the meetings that I'm that I'm calling into that are only 31 minutes now would have been 90 minutes otherwise

yeah you know I read something before this happened that like the average person does two and a half hours of work every day or something like that this was a lotty da they're just quintupling me yeah um but i really i don't know what do you do you guys think we're all going back or everybody else is going back to the office after this? Like, what do you think is going to, do you think there's going to be any long-term effects? Commercial real estate is going to take a huge hit. Yeah, I'm with you. Because a lot of companies are going to realize that they have just as much efficacy and, you know,

consistency with having people work from home. And so why pay so much money a month in overhead for an office space? It's a different skill set too. Like the ability to keep in touch with people that you don't see physically and maintain those relationships remotely. I worked with a woman who was great

at it. She called. She just liked her when she was on the phone. I felt like I wasn't great at it. That I did a little better when I saw the person in person every now and then. That it did a lot to make these emotional deposits in that. I can see you not being good over the phone,

Woody. Words hurt, Nick. Yeah, you're a million percent true there. Yeah, some people are better at it. Especially if you're going to be in sales, if you're going to present something to someone, especially when I go and have to call out to a retail headquarters like Walmart, Walgreens, CVS, Kroger, whoever. Being in person is

integral because you command attention when you're in person. Whereas on a Zoom call, not really. Oh, am I super robotic to you? Taylor, you are. Can you try leaving it coming back? Yeah. Let me do this ad read just in case the whole fucking show melts down.

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and find out how. You can get three months for free at expressvpn.com slash pka. That's e-x-p-r-e-s-s vpn.com slash pka for three months free with a one-year package. Check them out. Link down the below. Dick dick i want to talk about the acid because this is something i have no experience whatsoever with um i i've never done acid i've done mushrooms and and so like from that standpoint how do they differ from mushrooms how does acid did you like mushrooms i really didn't i had a really bad trip and i

passed out in public you said i didn't hear those words count you what in public i had a really bad trip and i i collapsed in public and hurt myself oh where at walmart like i've told the story on the show let's pretend that some people didn't see that one well you know at least isn't isn't it wasn't somewhere where you could be embarrassed right oh yeah i uh i uh i had never taken them really at any dosage uh but i did and uh and a girl and i went to uh out to dinner right after i took them for some reason i didn't know i thought it took like two hours to like an edible and i thought i had plenty of time to go sit down at a sunny's barbecue and and I'd be sitting down to some nice ribs about the time that this magical ride kicked in but no it kicked in at the Walmart checkout aisle where I was buying

some carrots for a friend and uh my mouth just went dry my my I felt like I was having a panic attack and I looked at the girl and I said, I'm going to bathroom. And I handed her the carrots and stumbled toward the Walmart bathroom. Uh, I black, I, it turned out later, I realized that I walked past the bathroom right into one of those sunglass kiosks that spins face first into that thing full of all the hooks. And it, uh, it cut my head open a little bit. Oh God. I must have hit my head on the way down too because when i woke up it hurt and uh i had a crowd i had a crowd had a crowd surrounding me including a nurse who was like you know and and i'm i'm like oh yeah low blood sugar low blood sugar the cops show up and i'm trying to get i'm trying to like explain it low

blood sugar low blood sugar and then we get to uh fucking we actually make it to sunny's barbecue where we stayed until we were sober and then when i got back home in my driveway we started cheering like our team just had won the combined world series stanley cup nba championships and i was the the light heavyweight champion of the world and uh and then we just sat in my bed not not not having sex not making out just hugging each other the way that people hug each other after the aliens are defeated at the end of a movie just just so happy to be safe like at the end of speed when they end of Speed, when they leave the bus finally, and they're hugging in that little thing, sliding out from under the bus.

Like when the Death Star explodes, and they're all just like, yeah! The Ewoks, everybody. So happy to just be safe again. It was a nightmarish experience. It was terrifying. I'll never do mushrooms again. No, I'm not a... Damn it, I wish I hadn't missed that.

Did you make the people of Walmart that day? Did you... No. ... still exist? I got in and out of there. Luckily, the lady I was with, the girl I was with was Johnny on the spot. She reached down and she was like, you're coming with me. And the lady was like, I'm a nurse, he has to stay.

And she's like, so am I, he're coming with me and the lady was like i'm a nurse he has to stay and she's like so am i he's coming with me and she and she she was and and and so she she got me out of there she saved me oh that's what you know those kiosks like i've always just wanted to run into one of those full speed with the sun porcupines they're like porcupines with sunglasses on them yeah uh it's i don't like mushrooms either i never have they make me too too out of it um i don't like being in public and i can't control my shit acid is a whole nother experience i think it's like you you like you like drinking you're a man that likes booze i think i feel like me and you have similar testosterone slash vice patterns uh guns titties liquor explosions these are a few of my favorite when the bong hits and those girls tits and i feel okay i have this i have this skill of knowing what girls write the rest of that song

i feel like i've got i feel like i can use it on guys too it's like it's just like being it's like being extremely happy and a little it's like the best drunk you've ever been in your life like that perfect hit of three beers and it lasts for about 14 hours and that's why you've got that's what you've got to work that's so much time yeah it really well it it has uh it has it's uh no you can't sleep at all uh so so take it at one and actually i got a good story for you guys do you guys know who onision is yes yes we don't know Yeah, I know his stuff. You know how he's... He's accused of being a big-time creep for a lot of things. Yeah, this story ends with Chris Hansen

sending me a picture of his Emmy. Chris Hansen from the To Catch a Predator show. He's been on the show. Yeah, he sent me on Twitter. I was rubbing my Predator interview in his face, and he got off of his couch, and he put his emmy on his coffee table and he sent me he sent that as a picture to prove me wrong what an asshole yeah

what a fucking bitch you send a picture of your balls back just like i don't think that is an asshole move i mean dick started it i set him up for it. Chris Hansen has been after Onision for months. Chris Hansen is now no longer on the news and he's trying to be a YouTube guy. He would probably come on your show, actually.

He's been on the show. A long time ago when he was just starting his true TV contract. Now he's uh now he's like an e-girl online uh he's trying to get money like interviewing freaks and but like he doesn't quite understand how i love it here um so he's been he's been chasing onision around who is uh you guys know of him i don't know i don't know anything about him uh all i know is he's like

accused of uh he's accused of kind of uh grooming some girl at his house or something like that. I don't know. That's the cop's problem. That's not my problem. I'm breaking laws myself over here. So who am I to judge? Not me. Yeah, exactly.

Certainly not. So Chris Hansen tries to set up an interview with onision and uh because onision wants to do it live and chris hansen has to pre-record it because he's a bitch uh chris hansen says no i'm only gonna do this pre-recorded we're gonna do it my way we're not doing it live uh i'm chris i'm chris hansen i'm the big deal. He's been like he's been like on his front steps and all this shit. So I in my dicking around in my infinite wisdom tweet at Onision saying, hey, man, why don't you come on my show? I'll interview you. I believe you. I'm here. You know, I'm ready to believe you. I'm not like these other clowns like the Ghostbusters line. We're ready to believe you.

I support everything. I don't care how poorly you're treating women i've done worse come on my show and i'll tell you and we'll be pal stories so i think oh he's a big deal he's got like five million subscribers that's just a joke he's not going to say anything so i say hey it's monday two in the afternoon i'm gonna i'm gonna i got nothing to do i'm gonna pop a tab of acid back uh i'm gonna and uh play some piano until i play some piano until the keys start running together until it starts throbbing you know and i start stretching out until i start getting the uh you said this was three beers what beer do you drink you don't feel that way after three beers

i drink ipas bitch what do you mean you don't hallucinate after after three beers? It's not called ever beer. I drink IPAs, bitch. What do you mean? You don't hallucinate after? There is a little bit. Okay. The hallucination is a little bit, and it kicks in. It does kick in at about the hour mark and kind of goes in waves. But it's nice.

It's not like you're watching these nightmares come to life. It's just kind of like things are kind of wiggling around. breathing at you yeah yeah yeah exactly like that it's same thing as mushrooms like if you stare at stucco it'll kind of undulate and move around yeah and if you and things will get like kind of a neon outline around it's nothing it's nothing nothing that will freak you out um so i pop in a pop tab acid sit back have a pour myself a drink. And a friend of mine, Peach Saliva goes, oh, my God, you're talking to Onision tonight. And I text back, what are you talking about? And apparently, apparently, Ralph from the kill stream had retweeted it and it got a lot of attention. My initial overture to Onision and I got enough attention so that he agreed to do the interview.

He said, yeah, I'll do the interview tonight on the Ralph Retort with Ralph and Dick Masterson. And I said, oh, fuck, Peach. I just did a shitload. I just did a bunch of asses just now. And she goes, oh, oops. I just called Chris Hansen a bitch. I'm not going to bitch out myself, especially over drugs.

Like, I'm not going to. If you say that the drugs, if you stop doing something because of drugs, you are an addict. That is the definition of an addict. If you are able to live your life as normal while still doing all the drugs and liquor that you can you are not an addict you're fine you can do whatever you want but the second you start changing your life you're an addict so I say fuck so I come into the other room and I say honey

my girlfriend's there she's working from home I say honey that guy agreed to the interview what should I do because you got to throw that up so I said yeah alright I got to throw it up. I never thrown anything up on purpose before. Like usually I'm trying to do the opposite after drinking heavily.

I'm trying to desperately keep it down. So I run downstairs and I just start doing what I see in movies, like touching something. So I'm trying to find some kind of, that'll work. I'll tickle your uvula. That'll make you vomit. Yeah,

that's what I thought. But apparently I've got half of my fist. I'm sorry. I've got I'll try to speed through the throwing up part. I've got half of my fucking fist down my throat like I'm feeling shit in there that I probably shouldn't be touching. You could suck a

good dick. Exactly. Realizing that if I was in prison I would probably be a hot commodity. I'd be terrible at sucking cock with how easy it is to. I wasn't going to complain. And I'm down there doing it. I'm like, honey, you need to go. Can you please go to the store and get me some Ipecac?

Because I remember. Oh, my God. I remember on Family Guy, they had like an an ipicac joke where they all drank and then threw up immediately she's like well i mean are you sure like if i drive to the store and drive back you're probably going to be fucked anyway just fucking do it just go to the store and do it for me please i'm chugging salt water because this is something else i heard salt water and milk all the water is the thing yeah man you're really diving deep into weird twitter posts you've seen i've heard fights because I can't throw up.

So she calls me. This will either make me vomit or send me into renal failure. She calls me from the store and she goes, hey, I don't know what that stuff was, but the guy at the pharmacy says they haven't made that in 25 years. I said, all right, well, I don't know. I don't know. Then just come home. So she comes home and I'm laughing hysterically

because I'm locked in for another 12 hours. How long did you have to vomit it? I don't know how acid works, like how fast it distributes through your system. I don't know. Well, apparently too fast. No, wait. To take acid, is it like a post-it stamp you sort of eat? It's a tab.

Yeah, you can get it in an eyedropper form um but it's like a tiny little stamp so i know what you're thinking logistically trying to throw up a tiny little stamp is retarded i couldn't throw up a listerine strip that's like something i have experience with oh you have i can't no like it wouldn't work right like it would just be all over me or something. Yeah. I was just running on desperation. Okay. So the interview starts and I don't know if you've ever listened to this Onision guy, but like he's super progressive and he doesn't use like he's his wife.

He starts telling the story about his I think his wife is like trans and had a sex change. story about his i think his wife is like trans and had a sex change so he's referring to his wife as he and this is right when right when the acid hits and he's like talking about this weird polyamorous relationship with a child with a 17 year old that moved in with them and i'm i'm trying really hard to listen and make sense of it but i swear to god it doesn't make it it's just it's just not clicking with you at all no he's and he's talking like he starts talking in the middle of sentences and he's like yeah well she said i mean there wasn't anything there and he talks like destiny like where where it's just really fast and rapid and i like i start thinking like is this am i even talking to a man like am i in the wrong did i I call into the wrong show? I bring up notepad and I'm typing to my girlfriend who's sitting there.

I'm like, am I crazy? Like, is this is this guy? Does this guy make any sense to you? And she's looks she looks at me. She furrows her brow and looks at me and then just goes like, no. And I was like, oh, thank God. So I I think I managed to figure out that he was molested as a child. I asked him point blank. I'm like, wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait. Were you molested as a kid or something like this? And it's just dead silence over these questions.

Like, no. What are you talking about? Like, no, man. I think the acid's telling me that you were molested as a kid. Did you say that? Or were you still hiding the fact that the acid's telling me that you were molested as a kid. Did you say that? Or were you still hiding the fact that the acid was? I was still hiding it because right before we started, I said, hey, Ralph, I got to tell you this story when we're done.

Let me tell you this when we're done. So it's a real bizarre interview. I think I held it together pretty well, but I had a bathrobe tied around my waist like a diaper. I was soaked in sweat in the studio down here, wearing nothing else but a bathrobe tied around my waist like a diaper. I was soaked in sweat in the studio down here wearing nothing else but a bathrobe. Just like Chris Hansen. Yeah, just like Chris Hansen. So after the interview, I was like, oh, yeah, by the way, this was all done on acid.

And I go tweet at Chris Hansen like, hey, here's how you do your fucking job, Chris Hansen. From a real pro and a rocket scientist on LSD uh uh give it a listen and Chris Hansen sends me back a picture of his Emmy in response well all right man but you didn't get the fucking interview yeah that was that was the predator that was the gets um that if there was any predator for you to stand up to it was the guy who's got a forum of teenage girls not not chumps that you trick into showing up with your squadron of cops on standby you pussy um well let's not pretend that to catch a predator wasn't hilarious yes because you could tell as like

chris hansen took himself way too seriously with that. He would walk in and put on an affected reporter voice where he'd be like, have a seat right over there. Would you like a cookie? Would you like a cookie there? Now, the problem with this is that you came here to rape a young boy.

Would you deny that? I noticed you have that four pack of Seabreeze in your hand and then a bottle of vodka. Is that okay? Like, he was, yeah, he was totally faking it. When he was on this show, that was kind of my issue with him. Like, I was interested in Chris Hansen,

the stories of the ups and downs, the careers. Like, the man who we got was what I'll refer to as Chris Hansen's representative, right? He didn't crap. We got NBC correspondent Chris Hansen. Yeah, yeah. You know, we got the character from the show who didn't break, who didn't talk about the rest of his life, what it's like to be famous.

He didn't talk about anything. He didn't talk about weird little stories that happened tangentially to the pedophiles. Like he didn't tell funny things. It was like, dude, you realize you're trying to sell a show. And to be frank, this show you're on right now is a lot bigger than you're ever going to be on the Internet. So why don't you try and sell it, bitch? Like, no, it was I'm Mr. Upright.

I'm Mr. Tight and clean. No, it sounds like his personal life is pretty fucked up, though. Like it is reading what people say. He's got a bunch of like weird debts and problems with his ex his ex-wives or something like this have you guys sent us so we had this issue i could be wrong about this oh i got the cup still yeah i want to say he had to cancel on us and uh and we had built it up like hey chris hansen next week and that taught us a lesson like we never like do that now or at least i don't i i think that's pretty true we try not to pretty much avoid that if somebody's coming next week we don't say anything because we never know when like like like we've known anthony was going to

be on tonight for about a month he didn't say anything because maybe something happens and anthony doesn't come and everybody's let down but chris was going to come on and he couldn't make it what's that look taylor what happened i was joking because i i said on stream like days ago oh because people were like is anthony coming on and i was like yeah oh you're a real piece of shit so people were already asking it got out somehow so he uh he had to cancel on us i think and to make it up to us i thought it was pretty cool He sent us these personalized coffee cups with his face on them, and it says something like, PKA, have a seat right there.

And we were all like, ah, we were kind of miffed at you, but this $8 cup really does solve everything. Yeah, right? Honestly, it did. I had a real problem with my relationship with chris hansen until the coffee mug at which point it was all forgiven turned out he ordered like 5 000 of those or something and never paid the person who made them oh i bet yeah he's getting his our cups are technically evidenced oh that's interesting yeah he never paid the guy everybody yeah he stiffs people i guess um and he's also had a few people kill themselves because of his show

yeah you can you can debate that all you want might be one is it a few it's at least two that i know okay uh one was like a local politician i'm gonna say he was 45 and another was like a local politician. I'm going to say he was 45. And another was like a very young guy. He was like 18 to 22, somewhere in that general range. And I just remember, I think he came in wearing a cowboy hat or something like that. And Chris was like, well, why don't you have someone on your own? And he's like, I'm ugly. I'm a nerd. I'm on your own age.

He's like, I'm ugly. I'm a nerd. I think it's a kind of common thing when someone gets caught for pedophilia to consider suicide as a way out. Oh, yeah. Yeah, because there's not much coming back from that. You literally have to change your name and move to Alaska. Is it the worst social scene?

It's the worst. Is it worse than murder? It's worse than rape. It's worse than murder. Because you hear somebody killed somebody and you're like, why? But if somebody says, oh yeah, he fucked a... Let's talk about actual pedophilia.

Because there's a definition. I'm not going to go into it. But fucking a 17-year-old is not pedophilia. It's underage sex. But actual pedophilia... It's called like a... There's a term. There's a term for it. Now when you're 17, it's called like uh there's a term eb philia or something yeah there's a term when you're 17 it's not that's like teenager isn't it actually 17 is legal uh as long as you don't record anything but but you know what i'm saying like one of those 15 year

old girls that looks like an adult right exactly that is not pedophilia that's underage sex and look i'm not excusing having sex with a 15 year-year-old when you're a grown-ass man. What I'm saying is it's not technically pedophilia. That doesn't mean it's even any less right or wrong. I'm just saying define it as what it is. Pedophilia is when you have this attraction toward children, actual children, like 10 years old, 8 years old. Oh, even younger than that. I was watching this pedophile documentary

you can fuck her that's my motto right like if you can manage a conversation and listen to that shit for a half hour have at it I like that at the start of the show he wasn't even saying the c word and now he's like you know what I think you can deal with it

you can fuck a sentence you can suck a dick. I was streaming a pedophile documentary because that's what I've been doing on my Twitch channel. Streaming a bunch of weird ass conspiracy and serial killer documentaries. A lot of fun, by the way, Taylor Marker. One of the pedophiles

was asked by an interviewer during the show where they're like, where's the area where you're kind so where's the uh where's the area you know where you're you know kind of the age range that you're most attracted to and this guy was like wearing a yellow turtleneck being like well the the ages i most find myself drawn to i wouldn't use the word attracted it's an energy not a sexual thing. I would say between two and four. And it was like,

you need to be killed. You can't be going around attracted to two to four year olds. Well, different two and four year olds mature at different rates, Taylor. That is something we cannot abide. What do you do with those people?

Four looked at least seven. You know the old saying, pussy goes rotten at five. That's not a saying. Well, I say it. Well, it's something I've started. It's a literal Nambla documentary. I'm hoping it'll catch on and then this i yeah that guy he was he went up to a kid in the middle of a parking lot and asked the kid like and what's

your birthday and and what else can you tell me about yourself and then like him leaving that conversation where the kid's like oh yeah like april uh seventh uh goodbye like leaving he's like and i went up to thomas and he was so forward he was so happy with you would not believe the energy with which his child shared these details with me and and he was flirtatious in a way that you cannot understand he now i will say this i like to be middle of the road on things. This is not one of those issues. Doesn't apply here. Thomas, you sure? I'm sure.

You sure that Thomas didn't have a little twinkle in his eye for this gentleman? Maybe he had a little sparkle of endearment. Who knows? Maybe he'd like it if we zip these two sleeping bags together. Oh, and we can zip these sleeping bags together and something happened with him that was so natural, so beautiful. Well, we was roasting marshmallows

and one fell on his nether region. Dick doesn't know. This is a NAMBLA documentary with a pedophile talking about how he conscripted a 14-year-old boy to go on a camping trip, and this pedophile is saying it to a documentary. And the end of the documentary is literally just photos of these people and their name and where they live for like 10 seconds at a time where it's like, this is fucking pedophile,

Steve Johnson. And he lives in Maryland. And this, this motherfucker said, he was like, and then Thomas, he kind of mean he constructed a, and then Thomas, he came to me and he constructed a a trip into the woods. And it was so wonderful, so wonderful to experience God's

nature and plus, you know, and his nature himself. And he invited me to zip our our sleeping bags together. And that's what he did. and as we were laying there that night he presented himself in a way that was so seductive and so natural to me and i can say that things happened that evening and that there was no lubrication required he's talking about raping a child in a tent in the middle of the woods in one zip together counterpoint counterpoint when you were 14 years old taylor you were probably playing some hockey right palling around with your friends when i was 14 i was big enough to beat the shit out of that dude right right if if that fellow taking you out in the woods you'd have only presented yourself

if you were actually interested. Of course, because that guy takes to mean presenting yourself as turning away from him in the night because you're afraid of a pedophile. 15-year-old that Chris would ever peed on, right? Was it R. Kelly? Is it R. Kelly? Oh, okay, I mixed up my people. Yeah, R. Kelly.

Okay, so R. Kelly pissed on that girl. Was she not a willing and happy participant in this? Didn't she stay with him afterwards? Am I crazy? She was into it. He seems to be very into piss. Hate is gonna hate. Love is gonna love.

I don't really want none of the above. I wanna piss on you. Piss on you. Seemed like she was happy. I never watched that child porn. I haven't seen it either. I only saw the Chappelle version.

She was happy. That's what I have seen. I'm sorry, Woody. I don't watch child pornography. I'm not sure what she looked like is it on the internet yeah Kyle doesn't watch I don't look for child pornography either no I genuinely think it might not be like to host it and stuff is a real big law didn't like Pornhub or one of those really big Pornography sites get taken to task Recently for hosting what is

Tantamount to child pornography Like children That was YouTube I don't think that's YouTube You didn't see that YouTube channel Wait Dick you know what I'm talking about Pornhub got embroiled in something like that right It turns out anywhere where you can upload video

There's child porn there You're both right The good kind High quality It turns out anywhere where you can upload video, there's child porn there. You're both right. Oh, yeah. The good kind. That's pretty upsetting. High quality. So all of the mad hoes and thots. We just go.

Well, because it's like all the thots and the hoes got mad and started to use like that child porn exists as like that's so all pornography is bad. Like they instantly saw that. So like, oh yeah, yeah. Cause Pornhub exploit, it actually exploits women and children. So that's why we need to really crack down.

It's like, bitch, shut up. Just delete the child pornography. Have you seen porn? Those are some of the happiest women on earth. Yeah. Well,

it definitely doesn't exploit men who would otherwise be out getting pussy. If they didn't have the instant, you know, solution to coming. Yeah. I prefer the porn where the lady's not too happy about what's happening. Ah, what kind is that? Rape? Well, no. You can't search for rape, Taylor.

You can absolutely search for rape. You don't find it. Forced sex. That's not even it I actually know this sensual Kyle knows Kyle knows yeah yeah clickety clack if you search for rape on any of these porn engines you'll come up with nothing right that there's a non-consent or even NC is the term that you would look for for something like that because rape I did not know that yeah there's no rape porn just some non-consent.

Well, it depends what website you go to. Trying to remarket rape porn? Oh, it's pretty funny. Rape porn has been completely rebranded. I was consulted. I'm proud to say. And we have completely remarketed the rape porn industry.

It's a beautiful thing. You know what is fucked up about pornography now is it feels like they're trying to get you to want to, like, fuck your own sister or something. What is with that? Who's watching this? This is retitled mobile porn often. I fucking love porn, and I want I want my sister It's like who Let's do a little research right now Sometimes there's legit

Like plot lines around the whole Easily step sister thing Other times it's like It mentioned they were brother and sister in the title But the whole porn I don't see where they got that from I just mean you gotta be a fucking retard And not notice like why the hell are they pushing

incest shit so hard? Alright, here you go, boys. So this is most viewed for the last 30 days on X Hamster, my pornography side of choice. Big pussy on the legs. We're gonna watch that together in a minute, so save that.

I can't. No, I'm not watching this. This is a terrible idea a minute, so save that. I kid. No, I'm not watching this. This is a terrible idea. All right, so Taylor and I are going to watch this. This is YouTube from 2012 shit that doesn't fly anymore. I don't want to hover over it anymore. No, no, no. Look, it's about the titles, not the videos. We're not actually going to watch pornography.

That's not required. What I thought was interesting is, look look the second most viewed video step mon and stepson affair five which is essentially like faux incest right i haven't seen the first four woman's got a big butt big big old ass yeah see why why is that a thing like when it could have been man fucks big-ass woman because ain't nobody into that no more you gotta get dirty who are these people that are into wanting to fuck their siblings here we go if we go into like number eight sexy sex young boy with older woman which is definitely some mom son stuff uh you go a little deeper it's literally called

sex mom son sex mom son is the name of this video sex sex mom son uh you go a little bit lower and well, there's a plumber. That's old school. Oh, I like some naive twins. This one's called make me pregnant, Randy. Well, that's not incestuous. Here's one. You go down to like number 14,

15. Mother let son come inside her real life. How are you counting this? I'm just estimating at this point. I'm like, sweet Missouri whore, Taylor. There's locals looking for hookups near you. Oh, man, dude. I'm missing all the local hookups.

Make me pregnant, Randy. Mother-in-law squirt on younger hard cock. I saw horny wife hard sex with husband friend and before i got to the end i'm like at last some wholesome porn oh no yeah i i i am now catching up to you kyle i do see sweet missouri whore um damn this big ass big ass look at the size right we're looking at the same one that He's got side ass. Are you the one that says, I fucked my crazy thick milf neighbor while her husband watched?

Two of the top four. Two of the top four are the same woman. Right? Yeah, and they're both incestuous. And they're in the same kitchen. That's how you can be 100% sure. It's the same video, just uploaded by different users. That's how popular this particular video is.

I like this one. It's, hot look, just uploaded by different users. That's how popular this particular video is. I like this one. It's hot look Muslim girl boobs sucked dry by house owner. That's not how boobs work. It is. They're lactating. They're being sucked dry. I wonder if they're lactating. That could be off.

Arab refugee girl, sweaty asshole licking. Kyle, watch a little bit of this. I got to see. Oh, look, here's a good one. Arab refugee girl, sweaty asshole licking. Kyle, watch a little bit of this big pussy on a leg spreader. Oh, no, he's licking her sweaty asshole. This looks insane. That's not what I wanted. I've never seen a pussy that extended. Oh, you want to get number one, right? Number one, big pussy on a leg spreader.

Oh, wait, wait, here's one. And this is whoever titled this. Fuck you. Plumber. So horny he comes he comes in under 10 minutes uh what what do you what do you mean is that not wow all right hang on a minute like like this all right so first of all taylor what he's done here is he's used a pump uh on her vagina to make it uh make it do that i'm not you can like 60 you can pick one of these up um but

the hatachi the wand he is using on her is uber grade this looks like the wand you use to masturbate horses or something this thing let's uh let's watch you and i kyle i know you and i are the only ones we'll oh my god where do you want to start can we can we just start at five minutes and 20 seconds 5 20 all right i'm there because he's he's got a maneuver going on that i've never seen before three two one play he's like he's oiling up a baseball so so he has he has used this pump on her pussy to make it like super inflate and he is massaging her entire mound here. This fucking clit looks like a

ping pong ball. He's sticking that whole hand up there. He's got the whole fist in there. Alright, fair enough. Well, bookmark this one for later. Big pussy on leg spreader is what you guys want to search for.

All right. All right. I'm done. That's a funny message. Yeah, she's he's he's really pounding that shit. It's like Tony Ferguson on a speed bag. He's just. Yeah.

All right. All right. I do think it's funny how you feel better the most the month's most viewed porn videos i've that's how you do it by most that's not you'll do that hey anonymous stranger i admire your taste if i pop into porn i get myself done and i don't really do much other research um well i mean you got to start somewhere and i'm not well yeah amateur i just go to amateur and then yeah if there's if there's somebody else holding the camera this is all staged and fake right it needs to be one of the participants filming this thing or are you on the same page at the most i think so yeah it's where it's like the difference between man

versus wild and survivor professional porn i don't want to see professional porn who cares i want to if i'm going to watch it it's got to be amateur it's got to feel ideally one of the participants is holding the camera i might accept setting up on a tripod but that's a little pro-ish to me you're pro-am at that point if there's a cameraman moving around and getting the right angle no no this i want my porn to look like cloverfield it's never in focus shaky cam there's a monster somewhere blair witch project baby i'll take a step down from there lots of screaming terror lots of screaming and terror yeah that'd be am i wrong few deaths no so kyle something i saw recently is and i've brought it up on a couple we're tenting our

fingers now a couple recent pkas that one month ago you said and i told you i said i bet you that the total deaths in the u.s is is above 30,000 one month from now. We never actually bet anything, so I don't win anything. But the U.S. death total right now is a little under 35,000. So I'd like to claim that victory. You know, I'm an intellectual, so i saw this coming you know a little bit more than the rest of you i was like amongst the first people to see the course and i need vindication obviously for my my correct predict one of my few correct predictions so yeah it's over 30 30

almost 35 000 dead not not chill You predicted that a month ago. Yeah, I, I, it was, there was like 45 deaths and I was like, Kyle, I fucking bet you a month from now there will be over 30,000 and Kyle took it greedily. My Facebook friends. We didn't actually, we didn't actually bet anything. So it doesn't mean anything. My Facebook friends are saying that they're taking regular deaths and reclassifying them as COVID deaths. Your Facebook friends are saying that they're taking regular deaths and reclassifying them as COVID deaths.

Your Facebook friends are fucking retards. No, there was a doctor that emailed my show saying that they're explicitly instructed to do that. He's working. I'm not saying that I don't really care about how much the numbers are inflated. Vindication rescinded! No, I looked into it. I looked into the actual report and I think it might just be Michigan, but I'm not sure about that.

Here's what they said. They said, look, if you think it's Corona and it has all the symptoms of Corona, but they didn't actually test for Corona, then you have the option to classify it as Corona. You know, it,

that's what they came down. And then everyone reads it as like car accidents are getting written off as corona or something insane like that when the reality is we just don't have enough tests so they're trying to get more accurate numbers and they're saying if and people will be like well oh this person died from pneumonia not the coronavirus and it's like fucking retard do you not realize that the reason that they got and contracted pneumonia in the first place is because they had corona and their immune system has weakened like yeah like it's the same way that when people with aids die it's like oh they died of pneumonia it's like no they died of aids really because

that's what enabled that to wreak havoc on their system well how much how many inflated numbers do you think there are then well because both of you are saying i think both of you are i agree with both of you but what does that result in what percentage of of deaths do you think are uh fudged i think none are fudged and they're all doctor's best efforts right which our doctors will put in shit upside down and chop off the wrong limb so i'm gonna give that a fucking C- for doctor's best. Right. So I can get on the same page with, are doctors ever wrong?

Yeah, of course. We're all wrong sometimes. I don't think they're lying under some conspiracy to make Corona seem bigger than it otherwise would be. I think you'd be wrong without lying. I mean, I could definitely see the government using any sort of crisis to overextend their reach that's fair and i think that's what dick is mostly concerned with is the government saying hey we have this kind of emergency situation and if you look in the past emergency situations are kind of when the federal government seizes powers that they shouldn't otherwise be

able to and so i understand that concern you're right about that although somehow that's not the one that hits home the hardest with me to me is the one about like fucking with the money like they're gonna find some way to give more money to rich people they already what there was a tax cut that they couldn't get in the trump tax cut like in his first year that they slipped into this most recent one it has to do with like the amount of pass-through losses you can take. It used to be you could only take a quarter million dollar of losses in businesses you're not active in, and they just removed that limit. I think I'm about 90% right on that.

Here's one that you'll like, Ben. Well, I don't care for that. If you care about the rich people making the money, you know all the PPP loans that went out? They were given out two and a half months salary capped at $100,000 for small business loans. Okay.

You guys knew. Okay. So that was part of the bailout was $1,200 for everybody. And they started a payroll protection program, which is the SBA administration at your local bank can give you a loan. And two and a half times the salary of every employee you have up to 500 can be will be forgiven if you can prove that you kept paying them during this time. They gave that to the banks and the banks said, whoa, wow, we need so much time to figure out how to give this money. I got a message from my bank the next day saying we're only Chase saying

we're only going to start giving this out to the people who have existing loans with us so if you have a business account with us fuck you if you have a loan with us if you have a loan with us that you might be not be able to pay back then we're going to give you this grant free loan that you can use to pay the debt you already have with us uh what do you know a later, they ran out of money. I mean, you accusing banks of this is a little anti-Semitic. I don't care for it. That's a good take.

I like it. He didn't say anything about Jewish people. I know. That's his joke. I know. It wasn't even close. No, not even fucking close.

And the way you talked about not repaying loans is really against black people. Yeah, it's really not okay. We gotta keep our shit in order. We gotta keep our house in order. I'm sorry, Dick. What did you say? I didn't hear. I said we're talking about small business owners Woody not talking about people who took out

a loan to ride their whip Jesus Christ or with cool ass rims maybe so how's your show going Dick like I know you and Sean still the

drivers yeah it's just me and sean left i've managed to alienate everybody else who uh wants to work with me it's going great um it's the only thing keeping me sane through this we had this we had a live show planned for a 200th anniversary slash maddox's funeral live show where I was going to I'll never stop. If I were him, I would sue. I remember when I was like, I don't know, it was like probably 2004, 2005. And I found Maddox's site and i was like god damn this is the funniest

shit ever i it was the first type of that thing that i found on the internet and i thought his content was hilarious and then now to know he's devolved into such a fucking loser is disappointing especially when he had that thing for the longest time where he's like do you know that i could run ads on my site and make hundreds of thousands of dollars and i choose not to and even at the age of like 13 14 i'm like you're a fucking retard dude like you're not proving anything to anyone because you don't let fucking plavix and advocate their heart disease medication on your site so yeah or like it is like t-shirts like busted teas or whatever i've got a question so in my head manix is this guy who did a show with you for a while and then you guys had a nasty

split and then he just tried to live his life as a mild-mannered bookkeeper helping small businesses or whatever it is that he like like he did some post-public life and you're still just picking at him and beating at him and sending followers at him. What's the truth? Here's what actually happened. After we split, and then we did the podcast. We did the podcast. We split.

He did some shady business stuff. He took the website. He took the RSS feed, which everyone was subscribed to and did his new stupid show on there. There was a lot of piddly shit that he did that I would just kind of make fun of. But the thing that the thing that pissed everybody off and the thing that turned him into like an eternal pariah on the Internet was he made this video calling me a rape apologist. Like he's made a video taking something i said yeah he took a video or he took an audio of me saying something out of context and implied heavily that in some way i

condone rape which i don't think anyone not even rapists condone rape like they they know they're doing something wrong when they're doing it um i certainly don't condone rape or anything you well let's just let's just leave it at that um and then he released it to the internet where he got absolutely shit on so that didn't work out for him so he went into his private facebook and released it there which is like all extreme left comedy people who are all already, it was, it was 2016. So they're all already pissed off at Trump.

Uh, and they're looking to, they're looking to, to do somebody in for like any kind of this weird social justice infractions. Uh, that led to me getting kicked off of kicked out of UCB and no one will, all of my friends that I worked with in comedy, just don't want to have anything to

do with me anymore but after that he still like he had Maddox had his girlfriend call my girlfriend's school and try to get her fired we had a restraining order against her uh he did the lawsuit he he pretended to be a woman reporter and tried to get another guy fired who was making fun of him i saw that very gay why woman well because he wrote maddox and the crazy thing is is he put this in his lawsuit like he he confessed to all this stuff in his lawsuit like it was gonna win him favor with a judge by pretending to be a female reporter uh he pretended to be a female reporter and then emailed all of the female executives at estereos coconoses uh company asking if they wanted to comment on a on a article he was writing for conde nast about sexism and trolling on the internet that his his name was heather s

and he worked at cond nast he misspelled it because Maddox is a fucking moron. And if they wanted to comment on it and if they condone that kind of behavior, I don't know why he would confess to doing that in a million years, but because he's an idiot. What's he doing now? He's still trying to make a living in the public. I don't know. He's got this Godzilla podcast that i think only exists so

he can try to fuck his co-host like it's this really shrill that's why we started this show yeah yeah and then me and kyle fucked and i was so disappointed with the gag reflex taylor mentioned earlier yeah it was disappointing but overstated to say the least i got cut in you'd think with a big enough head and neck That a guy would be able to do better than that You'd think so Turns out it's just a powerful jaw It's the worst of both worlds

I'm sorry I got really distracted By the thought of Taylor in oral sex We all did Maddox really made a fucking fool of himself. Is there anyone on his side? I've only heard Dick's side and Taylor is on Dick's side. Is there another side to this or is he just a bias?

By all means, have him on and get the side. He will not. The only time he's ever talked about it was Doug TenNapel, the creator of Earthworm Jim, had Maddox on his show. That was a cool show. It was. Doug hates the show. Loves the video game.

Doug didn't know anything about what was going on. So he was just reading these super chats and asking Maddox to answer them. So that's the only time he's ever talked about it. But otherwise, he's like too good for it. Are you still working with the stereos? You guys used to. No, I haven't. I haven't talked to him in fucking forever. After the

lawsuit, he peaced out. Yeah, what's up with you and Asterios? Because Asterios came on the show, and yeah, he's loud, but he's a very funny guy. I really enjoyed him, but the fans were split. Yeah, he's, you know, he's great, but I think he

likes his politics more than his comedy. Like he he likes to lecture people on what and what is and what isn't funny. And I think you kind of have to be a lot funnier than a stereos before you start doing that. Personally, I thought he was very funny. I thought he was great on the show. I thought it would be great if he could control his liquor on the show a little bit more. But whatever. I'm the last person to judge somebody on that. A fan. I hadn't talked to him for a year he was totally off the show he was leading people on like he was going to come back but i think that's i think that was bullshit uh for the longest time but he didn't want to lose people supporting him on patreon so he kept

saying it uh then i found out from a fan like an offhand comment on Reddit, that he was at some fan meetup running his mouth about my private life to a bunch of fans, drunkenly I assume. And then that same fucking week, he calls into my show to try to guilt me into paying him $50,000 so he can sue Maddox back. And I basically blew my stack about that. At this point. At this point, I've written off no on Twitter and then on the show and then probably across a number of other number of other mediums. Yeah. Yeah. I was I don't know. I'm probably hypersensitive to being fucked over behind my back at this point. And I don't think he was really a part of were you sensitive because you felt like he was being kind of lecherous about your patreon

success no uh i didn't care about that i didn't get pissed off until i put it out there like hey is this is this what is this true what this guy is saying that is seriously saying this shit um at a fan meetup of all places while he's asking me for money and he sent me some he sent me some fucking apology like that was like oh i didn't say anything but even if i did like i'm real sorry and i thought uh i kind of really hate you now for this like this made it much this made it so much worse than the nothing that i had heard from you for the last year so fuck you like you want you wanted 50 grand and you couldn't even like you couldn't call in but you're out there like and then and then so you invited him to call in throughout this and he never did no and he always said it

was because of the lawyer told him to but they all fucking say that my lawyer said the same thing like we all knew it was a joke uh and then after that it turned into like he had he one time he sent me a 700 invoice for a live show with shit like he bought yogurt at the airport at home and he sent me the bill for that and i'm like buddy i mean you're i'm not like a company over here what an asshole yeah like he's tipping uber driver he's a deluxe tgi fridays and he's sending you the bill for the anytizers yeah he and he's the only one i understand i try to i'm paying for everybody's stuff while they're doing this live show everybody's room and board but he like he had to have his own room so he could get his fuck on with

his girlfriend it's like all right man that's 200 bucks. Send me the bill. But now you're sending me tips for Uber drivers and shit like this. A big part of me thinks this is out of some kind of bitterness that you're acting like this. And then I hear you're talking shit. I'm just like, all right, I'm all in. All right.

I 100% believe you're just a bitter fuck who's pissed that I, I came out of the lawsuit with tons of money, but you were too big of a bitch to say anything about it at the time. That's what I fucking think now. So, fuck you. Go have your comedy-safe Garfield shows or whatever. You don't want to be a part of the show anymore?

Fine. Fuck you. I've lost plenty of friends now. Don't even feel losing one more. It's fine. And that's where I'm at now. I hear you. Too bad it didn't work out better i've got on the other end of the spectrum the you and destiny before you came on our show we're kind of rivals and then my uh impression is that once you got to talk to him you know outside of like a debate format that you two got along much better than you expected

that sounds yeah that was great i noticed that uh i noticed that chiz got along much better than expected. That sounds right. Yeah, that was great. I noticed that Chiz got a lot of shit from your ungrateful subredditors, too, about that pairing. Our subreddit? No. Your subreddit. I cannot believe that any of those people

think they could do a better job than Chiz. I saw them calling him Chizrag over and over, which is very disrespectful. They should be ashamed of themselves. He put Chiz Rag over and over, which is very disrespectful. They should be ashamed of themselves. He put Chiz. It takes balls to tell me and Destiny to get together on the same show. None of them would ever tell me that to my face,

and they're lying. If they say they would, they would tuck their dicks between their legs and slink home to mommy. Chiz earns that 5%, you motherfuckers. No, I think Destiny's a funny guy. I think he's doing a lot of weird shit with his relationship. Talking about politics with him makes me instantly an Adam Bombling motherfucker.

He's really good at it. What do you mean? He's not good at it. You always think that because you agree with him. What are you, motherfucker? No, no, no. I disagreed with him. I was right, and he still won.

No, keep arguing. Keep arguing. No, no, no. Yeah, yeah. You don't know that this one episode, I keep bringing it up. He was saying that it is through no fault of people who aren't thriving in society, like bigger groups, urban areas, or what have you, that it wasn't their fault.

And then he pinned it to their grandparents and great-grandparents eating paint chips, what I thought was the most ridiculous horseshit in the world. But through superior debating skills, I think he came out on top. And that's why I think he's good at it. He could argue that the sky's not blue, it seems, and still beat me. I mean, you can argue something and still be wrong.

Oh, he's wrong. He's got to be wrong. I'm sticking to that. He's crazy wrong. But I feel like he outperformed in the debate, and that's why I say he's good at it. I liked having Dick and Destiny on the show because immediately it became apparent that it's like okay obviously both of these people are intelligent human beings who know pka is not the place to air your dirty laundry it's the place to be a silly bitch and make jokes about things and obviously

destiny knew that dick knows that like that's why that episode went so well is because it was like who gives a fuck about little political disagreements? Let's just joke around. And once they were next to each other in a nonpolitical conversation, they got along. That's what I. So, Dick, do you tell me, am I on target with that? Am I off target? No, I don't think you're off target.

Wired interviewed me for some. I think it was a hit piece that they were writing on Destiny. The guy interviewed me for like an hour. was a hit piece that they were writing on destiny um the guy the guy interviewed me for like an hour it was right it was sometime after your show um he interviewed me for an hour he didn't use a goddamn thing i said in the interview uh and it was but he led the article with it where he was calling me a stupid jock asshole or whatever um but when i hit on destiny you thought yeah i think it was a hit on both of us uh it was mostly focused on him i think it was a takedown of him because like destiny is destiny and i are are the same in the way that uh we're kind of a purist i

guess i want to say um and that causes a lot of problems in our in our spheres uh like all of his a lot of his left-wing guys like a lot of his left-wing guys turn on him because he thinks it's cool to say the n-word uh and he's had looks down upon them and and is full of disdain for any person who thinks that saying the n-word is inherently wrong uh and i i 100 agree with him and think it's fucking insane that people act like it's a magical word and somehow has any power and that's not what gives it its power. He said the N-word was cool? He says it a lot. I think that's what's happening.

I take the coward's path on that issue. He says it a lot? Really? I've seen him defend it to a black person. Yeah. I've seen a black person be like, you know, you say this a lot. And he's just like, yeah, I do. Dude, respect to Destiny on that. That's hilarious.

That's hilarious. Destiny's just like, yeah, you can't tell me what not to say, bitch. Is that basically what he's saying? No, he said you can't tell me what to say n-word. you can't tell me what not to say, bitch. Is that basically what he's saying? No, he said, you can't tell me what to say, N-word. It's like, you know, look, look,

if you're calling someone that with hate in your heart, yeah, that's fucked up. There's a lot of words that I think are fucked up like that. That one seems to be the one that gets the most, that hurts people the most, which is what I think maybe gives it the power. But as a Harry Potter fan, I'm'm gonna tell you yeah when we start referring to voldemort as he who must not be named we give him a lot of power power to evil we should just

call voldemort the n-word that's the lesson of the day that's the fucking lesson of the day my friends call voldemort the n-word i, I've always thought I could put a lot more venom into a good sir than even the most hateful racist could. Like, if you want to compare how much hatred is in your heart, you stack me up against David Duke and give us a bad server, and I'll give him a sir that'll turn him white. Photos of that guy, David Duke.

What the fuck is going on with his eyebrows? Regrow them. They're gone. Hey hey you know Taylor I don't like you taking down people whose eyebrows seem to be uh if you have a receding eyebrow line that's not necessarily your fault I do admit I'm a bit of an eyebrow supremacist what is becoming less and less expressive every day. And that's why I'm reading David Duke. It's just what I look like. It's like a lazy cartoon character. In real life,

they're there. Are they graying? I'll have to look. You gotta darken them ships up, dude. I don't darken anything. You do have gray. You've got some gray in there now, man. The beard in particular is super gray. My hair is not that

gray. It is by my ears. But, uh... No, and Woody's beard is fucking fantastic. And we try and convince him to keep it going because Woody looks badass with a beard. And always, he'll grow a fucking fantastic beard where he's looking

hardcore as fuck and then i'll show up the next day and be like well yeah jackie didn't like it no no no no i can i can tell if woody and jackie are being romantic at that time of the month just by his facial hair i feel like maybe there's a week every month for Woody's like. It's not always a good idea. We were romantic just recently. And all the kisses were on the neck, to be honest with you. She's not a fan. Well, and Woody, like you, you wear the beard so well. It's frustrating.

I think it looks better on camera than real life. When you're like, oh, well, I should get rid of it. And it's like, no, it looks great. It's fantastic. I love the woody beard. I wish it would stick around more. And Jackie, can you kind of get on our team here? Come on.

Can you kind of get on the same team with us? Fans, don't come on my trench and hate on Jackie because of this. It's not nice. You do like a goatee and just shave the cheeks and then give her a nuzzle over there. Can you do like a lemmy for Motorhead? I could do the opposite. I could keep the

cheeks and remove the goatee. Yeah, yeah. Just the chops. Or maybe one of those flavor savers. A little soul patch? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like Doc antle has and the tiger king this is one of those is that what he has dude that that guy is apparently doing podcasts all over the place right now all of them are we gotta get doc antle on the show that would be sick i

would love to talk to that fucking sociopath i've been talking more to chis lately i gave him a small list yeah he wasn't on it he should be. But I'm looking forward to some of the people we can get. Nice. Yeah, man. Yeah. I'm glad all four of you are still together, by the way. I was kind of worried cruising your subreddit about some of the shit that was going on there. Our subreddit is excited bunch of guys.

That makes some really funny memes, though, man. We all get along pretty fucking fucking well in real life you know yeah we do it's funny when like people will be like oh there's gonna be a huge explosion between woody taylor and kyle and then like seeing that post and then that day when we signed up to pkn like signed in it was like hey what's up guys oh everything's going good yeah whole thing happened sorry about that no big deal you know

I had people on my stream being like so are you never gonna talk to Woody or Kyle again no no are you retarded some of them might be my mom did the typing for me yeah my mom did the typing for me i can promise you i will never go on your subreddit and leave

a seven point uh seven points of light list about what's wrong with your show that i can promise i would never do that to you i would never go all over your subreddit I need bullet points god damn it if you're writing it in full paragraphs not reading bullet points I expect a powerpoint presentation

I'll make a TikTok flowchart is when Woody made that hilarious fucking conspiracy thing where you, and Woody, you don't give yourself enough credit for how funny it was. You had your slide up, and you would say,

and this happened, and here's why, next slide. The next slide bit got me so hard. Exactly. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. I wasn't prepared for any questions in my thin knowledge on the topic.

This is what happened next. Let's move on. Dude, we need to do conspiracy shit more often because I just found out that my conspiracy about the Denver airport has like 800,000 views on YouTube. Oh, did someone upload it as a highlight? Yeah, they uploaded just all of our conspiracy bits. And just the Denver airport retardation one got huge.

How much does my Holocaust denial bit have? I don't know. That was also very funny because you earnestly presented it the whole time where you'd be like, next thing, wooden doors. How's that keep it in? Next thing. You just went through the whole fucking gamut.

That was hilarious. Because it was like, well, shit, some of this is indisputable. I believe a holocaust happened, but I think their numbers may be a little skewed. Which is odd coming from a people who count so well, who count so good. I was like, why do German people count? Oh, I get it. Because they were fucking with Jews. I see. Yeah, that shit was hilarious.

i see yeah yeah fine yeah this shit was hilarious yeah i love that meme you posted kyle oh it's so good right remember what bilbo used to say oh shit dude that clip of lord of the rings scared the shit out of me when i was what 12 watching the first one 11 maybe oh yeah that was the scary fucking part and the cgi is i feel like they could go back and touch up cgi like like that a little bit here's my hope if i had my druthers they would go back and fix all the cgi like you know like like they're about to re-release that shit on 4k, you know, blu-ray and like, eh,

come on, let's do it. Let's just fix that. Fix that. The Isengard scene, fix the green ghost scene. And what did you dislike about the green ghost scene so much? Because I feel like most of the part where they like,

because of the tech technology at the time. Yeah, exactly. So they could just redo it. How old is that scene? 20 years. That came out in 2003. 15 years. So 17 years.

Okay. Yeah. Which, if you go back and watch, fantastic battle scene. For its time. There is no better battle scene in any movie than the Battle of Minas Tirith. And in a close second, and maybe even edging them out for first, is the Battle of Helm's Deep. That's the one I like.

Those battles are fucking sick. They are so awesome. The Lord of the Rings battles are unmatched. Un-fucking-matched. Because they didn't do that bullshit where they have a bunch, where they did in The Hobbit, where it's a bunch of nonsense CGI shit. It was just fucking guys in makeup.

Looks fantastic. Kyle, you bitch with your with your fucking good. Oh, that's right. Yeah. My mockery knows no bounds. I thought you were making fun of me for defending are you are you denying how good the lord of the rings i'm trying to come up with one that's better taylor all right god damn it you know i love the trilogy i know you do anytime someone

says this is the best my asshole self wants to be like which one's better and i got nothing what's better than me to seer what's better than hell's better? And I got nothing. I got nothing! What's better than Helm's Deep? I switched the order, but it's, you know. Fantastic. Helm's Deep is my favorite. Helm's Deep is my favorite. I thought that was the cooler shot. Or the cooler battle scene. And shit. The shit's coming out

on 4K Blu-ray in a few months. I'm looking forward to it. I always pick up my favorite movies when they come out on 4K Ultra HD. I pick them up. Jaws is coming out soon too. I'm due for a rewatch on that. I'm a big Jaws fan. I hope the shark doesn't look too shitty, but they don't show it much. I've battled it. It's very

different. It's not in the same category, but as far as battle scenes that are really, really good, opening of Private Ryan. Let's watch this. Let's watch this. Let's watch this. Is this going to be the most copyrighted thing? No, Taylor, we're not watching Lord of the Fucking Rings on

YouTube. Can we not watch? No! That's like the epitome of Hey, let's just queue up Lord of the Rings from the start and watch. A Weinstein company. I forgot. Ha!

A Weinstein company. Made by a rapist. Okay. All right. Never mind. Retard Taylor coming in hot. I'm sorry. I came hard at you.

You think we have Tyler Boyd? No, no. No, I just, I was getting excited. Wanting to watch the beginning of Hell in a Deeper's Hot Creme. I'll watch it with you after. I'm happy. Yes. Yes.

Yes. I will hold you to that. Okay. I will do it. I will do it. I'll watch it with you after of happiness yes yes I will hold you to that okay I will do it I will do it I swear Kyle you will as well

I'm going to watch live PD I'm going to see some cops bust some heads of some guys with a joint I watched a guy they caught a guy last night with a joint

a joint hammering down those fucking spears in the beginning of that fucking sick dude I saw him catching a guy with a fucking joint and they locked his ass up and had his car towed oh really because you went the other way in a different

story where he had well it's everything it's one guy i've watched hours of this now you know like like there's tons of it on youtube and they bounce around from departments all across the united states florida missouri south carolina you name it let me get let me ask why do you think the joint dude did not do as well as the different cops different different cops they'd say their discretion to do whatever they want okay they can turn them loose but you don't think the joint dude was like fuck you man it's joint you can suck my dick if you don't like it the joint guy was literally vomiting he was so nervous and he he didn't admit that he had a joint. That's what got him in trouble.

The other guy also didn't admit he had wax. Although, they found it. And they also... He asked me if they had any weapons. They found one of those improvised slam fire shotguns like you made that time. In the backseat. With a couple rounds of buckshot. Cool. They let him go.

They let him go. They let him go. I don't even think they took his wax. Slam fire weapon is uh legal but it's provided it's long enough i think but it's legal but it's as a cop it's the kind of thing that would make me nervous yeah they had a weapon and wax and they were just like have a nice night gentlemen and these guys were sketchy as fuck i think their tags were expired too sometimes people get their heads busted over nothing sometimes you know they they get turned

loose with you know it seems like sometimes they don't even take their weed damn what i can tell you is right after this show ends i'm gonna get very high on life and watch some uh some lord of the rings clips that sounds great that sounds great uh i'll be clicking into escape from tarkov to get my uh all my scab cases going again your streaming level is ridiculous i'll hop on a stream and like watch a conspiracy documentary or a serial killer documentary which is what i'm really into right now and i'm gonna keep doing that and it'll be like three hours in i'm like all right good stream woody's streams i'll like check your channel every day and it'll be like nine and a half hours ten and a half hours eleven hours like because you're just sitting there being like yeah i'm trying to get shit on tarkov and i'm fucking pissed about it I try not to be that guy.

I only go like I'll watch the stream like vid or VOD rather. And I'll go to the very end. And where you're just like, that's just fuck. That's enough for tonight. All right. I'm done. I'm done for now. All right.

I'm out. Taylor, you've seen Mindhunters, right? I've watched a couple episodes. Mindhunters is sick. I sick i love it watch that that's the best shit there is that's there's two seasons of it i need to watch more of it i was like serial killers that's the shit that's the best show i made the mistake of being like oh to my girlfriend like we'll watch this show together and she only wants to watch an episode like every three days and it's like no i'm gonna tear through this whole thing i fucking love serial killer documentaries do you have the problem of your girlfriend falling asleep because i have had to watch the like the last fucking every three episodes of tiger king i'm like staring at her for most of the episode because i don't want to re-watch the entire

episode after i found out she fell asleep afterwards. Does that ever happen to you guys? It happens so often. Where I just want to watch something funny. Or something like Tiger King. Take the blanket away. I know, I need to steal the blanket away. So the dog stops sleeping with us on the couch and relaxing her. But yeah, we'll see how that goes. Anyway.

Drop some ice on her neck. We'll see how that goes. Anyway. Drop some ice on her neck. Just. The voice experience over here. What? Ice water?

Yeah, it got me too. Weird. Drop ice on her neck. Dream all day. That's the secret. I'm just rubbing ice on her forehead and mouth. Like, oh, you want to keep watching? Yeah. You know, another good ass show another uh another really good show i've been watching

is uh money heist on youtube or i'm sorry not youtube netflix it's a uh kyle recommended that yeah it's a spanish show that kyle recommended i started watching it. It's fantastic. You are 100% right. I'm loving it. I saw it. I knew you guys would like it. It's Spanish, but it's dubbed over, so the whole thing happens in English that's just a little like the Kung Fu movies. Yeah, I really like it. A new season came out, 4,

which I haven't started yet because I'm Ozark. I'm ready. I'm ready for that. Yeah, Ozark is sick. Anyway, check out Dick at dick.show. Is that right? Also, dick.show, twitch.tv

slash LABaseComedian, although that's not where the good stuff is. Check it out if you like hip-hop piano covers in drunkenness. Do you want to see the hamster cam? Actually, you're kind of selling me on it I've been popping into Dick's streams He's an incredible singer and very good at piano

So check him out I wish I could have tasted that on the show Is it possible? Like maybe next time? Yeah, sure man Let me know I'll plug that shit in. It's all in the same stuff, so it's ready to go.

Sweet. I would love that. All right. Whatever you want. What are you sending me? Your favorite song. I'll cover that shit for you. Piano Man.

Okay, you got it. I would really like that. Anyway, Kyle, any outros? None. P.K.A. Episode 487.