Painkiller Already - Painkiller Already #501

Episode Date: July 28, 2020

In this week's PKA, stand up comic friend, Steve Hofstetter is back to talk about what the stand up scene has been like in this lockdown world and of course gotta share some intel about various Jewish sub groups, Woody talks about a couple he saw getting it on at the end of his driveway which leads to the fellas discussing escapades with women in automobiles and because we're all so wholesome, we gotta have some healthy diet/eating trends discussed on the show! Yeah... quite a variety show this week, enjoy!

okay pay killer already episode 501 with our guest steve hofstadter taylor a couple of awesome sponsors tonight blue chew squarespace and smart mouth we're gonna learn about those awesome products a little bit later but for now steve thanks for hopping back on your your studio looking great as always much and the rest of you yeah oh go ahead oh no i was just saying uh i redid the whole thing and now i got like a big old big screen in front of me. So my eyes are going to be all over the place and people are going to complain in the comments. It's going to be fun. They wouldn't have. Now

they will. Every time I complain a lot about it, but it won't be about you with your eyes. Steve, name a dozen other times they've complained about you on the show. Just a dozen. Can I do a dozen.

Can I do a dozen? Can you put your mic a little closer, Steve? What? I said, can you move your mic a little bit closer, Steve, please? Maybe two. Okay. Would you say tell me? No, I said perfect.

Perfect. I'm like, with an O. Yeah, I don't know. It sounded like something that would be in a different language, right? Nickname for perfecter. I don't even know. It sounds like what an Italian person would say for perfect.

I don't know what the word is, but I can picture Chef Boyardee saying it, so I'm going to call me out on that. Steve california how's your quarantine going is are you adapting are you are you i i think in my world even though the pandemic's not done with us we're kind of done with the pandemic oftentimes it's not the smartest position but here we are how are you what do you got going on? I've actually noticed that about science. If you just get bored of it, it changes.

It's kind of cool. Yeah. Favorite part about it. Yeah. Yeah, it's wonderful. No, you know, L.A. leads the country in a lot of things. I think currently California just broke New York uh record of cases so number one proud yeah uh orange county really really doing a great job i took offense early on when everyone was bragging about how they were better than new york and it's like you fucks you know new york is like

the entry point to most of this world country anyway you know if you're flying to boise from paris you probably stop it in new york that's why it was first stop bragging florida stop bragging california your day will come and now we here we are but also new york is people live on top of each other and take public transit like everybody is touching the same surfaces and so really early on when everybody was you know pre-symptomatic and people didn't understand how it was transferred you know people just you know doing what they do they lick subway poles it's just how we do in new york yeah and so uh that transfers it a whole lot salty you new yorkers also love going to florida

in summer yeah turns out in the middle of the pandemic yeah florida didn't yeah yeah it's uh dude i uh woody i was on the same page as you with like the i think you said you know covid still going but where you are is kind of forgotten about it st louis was much the same where i was like you know they'll still be like please put a mask on if you go inside it's like i'm not wearing a mask when i'm walking around outside that seems silly but if i go into a business i'll throw a mask on whatever but i in denver where i am right now holy shit they're taking this serious like way way more so than than st louis at least i didn't look at the numbers i don't know how much better or worse denver's doing in st louis i know we're not doing

great but yeah they're taking it real seriously i went to the dentist today. Sorry, do you want to go, Steve? I went to the dentist today. I was going to compliment where Kyle's from Georgia, and Georgia is doing a hell of a job. I think their new mandate is if you're going to go bowling, try not to lick the ball. And I think that that really keeps you safe. That has nothing to do with the virus, though.

They've been trying to clamp down on the whole ball lick. Now what you may understand here, Steve, is this is the end of a successful 20-year campaign. Cleaner balls in Georgia. Please don't lick your bowling balls like this.

Now here, you know we love peaches and licking bowling balls, but one of those is dangerous. One of them has no vitamins whatsoever so if this thing is spread by what is it a little vapors coming out or particulates or vapors coming out of your mouth or what have you um you'd think the dentist is like one of the worst spots for it they have a new breath sucking machine at my dentist that they position next to your mouth the entire time that just vacuums out i guess everything that's just sir sir come sample my elixir and my breath sucking machine

100 of your breath sucked into this device cleans it up spits it right back out, free of charge. Do you need to return me? Call this number. Call this number. Call my brother's cell phone if this doesn't work. When like a famous person goes to the dentist, they just bottle it and sell it on eBay. Yeah, you got Tom Cruise's breath. They got it a week ago. You know what? Say what you will about the guy. I bet he has tremendous breath. His teeth are

on point, and they always are. Clearly on the front lines, fighting against gingivitis and bad breath. His teeth are on point and they always are clearly on the front lines, fighting against gingivitis and bad breath. Good for him. That's actually what I've always wanted to say about him. So yeah, the whole Scientology thing played out. It's time we throw him some compliments,

man. How many decades have we been ripping on Tom Cruise for being short and kind of weird? Let's throw some, some nice vibes his way. You know, what has he ever done to anyone that we're aware of? Look, one thing I, one thing i've always said is if you're if you're part of a fake religion that kidnaps and rapes and kills people as long as you have fresh breath it's

really that's what you need judy it's just rude not to oh oh the other one oh okay the other one. Oh, okay. The other one, yeah. We grow long beards so that way the breath doesn't even get out. I like those. Do you know how much fish we eat as a people? I like the sideburns that the Hasidic guys rock, like those. I don't know why that never caught on. Oh, I hate those. They look hot.

They don't look hot. It looks like you like a hot uncomfortable way to live like i feel like if you're sitting on your temperature yeah temperature yeah if you're like contemplating i was terrified for a second if you're thinking over some big you know if you're trying to take over something maybe for chance uh you know just having something there to sort of twirl around your finger that's's a good point, Steve Jackson. I like where you're headed with this. Yeah, if you're trying to infiltrate an entire industry and just from within take it over,

just twirl those bad boys right there. I really missed you guys. Yeah, man. It's been a while. Yeah. It's been too long. I don't like them. It seems like an easy way to lose a fight

A cedic Jew Yeah that's what Only the Jews back in hand to hand combat Their hairstyle I mean Well it can't help And it helps in the bedroom So I'm going to grab on

Yes Oh my god I don't even know how i can help in the bedroom honestly wait what get creative if you're not a hair puller oh she's pulling you towards the box further in i feel like you're weak if you're not pulling hair you know those like weird little myths to believe as a kid where they'll be like hey you know so and so celebrity you know uh eight bugs or something like i remember'll be like hey you know so-and-so celebrity you know uh ate bugs or something like i remember hearing like hey do you know like hardcore jews they fuck through a

hole in a sheet and i was like what that can't be true but that's so interesting and i like it just kind of logged away in my head until years later i said it to someone they're like you know that's that's like almost 99 like Like that can't be true. And I was like, damn, this is like a Helen Keller moment for me. Yeah. Obviously it's not true. They're not fucking through a sheet. How would you do it?

It's not only absolutely not true, but I, I had a situation where like, I was, uh, I was flirting with a girl and I like things are going really well. And then she asked me like, just not offensive like a genuine question she just goes so if you're on the road and you meet women do you like pay for the hotel sheet when you cut it up or do you just like bring your own and i was like are you what are you serious and like yeah she asked it completely seriously about like just jews do jews fuck through a hole in the shit i was like you may as well ask me like how do you hide your horns so well i was like it's such a i always heard that from mormon blood of gentiles yeah there's a great episode yeah that's that's well i mean the only

way to complete that bit would be to fuck her through a sheet be like yes i often my sheet bills through the roof thankfully it's a business expense. You're still welcome to come back, though. I bring my own. I don't use that nonsense motel. I bring my own Egyptian cotton, you know, 800 thread count. I'm a very expensive lay for myself more than anyone else. Yeah. Yeah. You have one sheet, but you put a

grommet on the hole so it holds so you can use that same sheet over and over again. That's the that's not the filth. That's the way you filth. Don't be ridiculous. I can't keep doing this. I can't believe you're cheap about your sheet. I mean, you want a good sheet if you're going to fuck through it. Imagine how gross that fuckhole would get.

I don't have to. Let me look at the Hasidic Jew fuck sheet and i guarantee what i would get is like a bunch of like times of israel articles being like stop saying we fuck with sheets it's not true and that's the thing it's just such a weird dehumanizing stereotype like it's just such a because because it it's it's pointless it's one of these things where to make someone different it's such a bizarre way of making someone different just the idea of like imagine if it was like you know all people in st louis hit each other in the head with hammers you know i mean it's just like it's a very... So what you're saying is it's based in truth. Yeah, stereotypes based in truth.

Yeah, that's exactly what Steve's saying, I think. Yeah, Steve totally nailed it. On a related note... There was no way to get good lighting in this room. It was either blinding or terrible, and now I look like... They're like, you know, so- so and so was a part of the gang he's going to tell us now about what really happened it's like i was a part of the gang

for longer than i'd like to admit cut taylor don't you just turn around so the lighting's in front of you then behind you what no no i'm i'm in a desk in like the back corner of the room it's not a mobile desk it's attached no yeah oh yeah as opposed to a table i guess a table is what i was thinking yeah it's just a desk otherwise i would have mangled it around a little bit but turns out they did not take into account podcasting lighting when they made this room i i think that you should sue for false advertising that in is not quality. I like that joke. See, if I might use that amongst friends and there's nothing you can do about it. On a related note to the

sheet fucking that I'm still convinced that... Let's go back to that. Yeah, true. Did you see that the Canadian Health Agency suggested glory holes for hooking up during these times of covid i only read the headlines but i did see something about that it's i'm not making it up it is not this is not an

onion article um this is this is real that's that's so stupid by one person who wants people to go to glory holes like this is not that's exactly what it is someone's like man all my watering holes been dry recently i need to you know get a little more action over there according to the center for disease control the raleigh adult bookstore is perfect for this they say the best way to avoid covid is to stick your big dick through the hole at the starbucks at fifthth and Simpson between 9 and 11 a.m. Monday through Thursday. How is

that like and look I don't know the science behind this. I have not looked it up but like you've got to be able to transfer it with sex too right? You think right? Yeah you can get AIDS that way. Well they also recommend condoms and dental dams. Yeah and we all know that's propaganda. The Catholic Church told us that much. Well, they also recommend condoms and dental dams. Yeah, and we all

know that's propaganda. The Catholic Church told us that much. Praise his name. Whose name? It says using condoms, lubricant, and dental dams may help to further reduce the risk. It sounds like it's an optional thing. They're just like, look, kids are gonna

fucking give this virus to each other, so we gotta try to stem it as much as possible listen to this on the same website where i i found this i also found this article about a michigan man who was accused of killing and eating grinder hookups his name is kevin bacon no relation to the actor i'm sure and he is facing a lawsuit from a second alleged victim who survived an incident straight out of a horror movie. Jesus Christ. He strung him up by the ankles and eight parts of his body, including his testicles. Is this a real website?

No. Yes. Probably. I mean, it exists. What? I mean, I'm not like making this up right now but what is the and also by the way the idea that like that guy's his he's suing like that's what you do when someone tries to like what do you sue for uh seventy five thousand dollars in damages and in connection with the incident

apparently uh seventy five thousand dollars in damage, he only ate my elbow, so it's not that bad. I'd give a little bit of elbow meat for $75,000. Look, if you take the weenus, I mean, that's... I'm sure that grows back. I guess he's accused of neglect, gross negligence, battery,

and false imprisonment in the lawsuit. It states the facts of the case are straight out of a horror movie. The poor victim traveled all the way to New York from Michigan. No, no, no, excuse me, to Michigan from New York for the purposes of engaging in consensual BDSM with the defendant. The defendant does not look like the kind of man who could pull someone across the country.

Also, I'm curious how like desperate someone has to be i mean obviously it's horrible that you know he he went through this and and i really do hope he gets these 75 000 of life changing money the idea that like you're in new look if you're in the middle of if you're in the middle of nowhere and, you know, and and you're experimenting with your sexuality and you're trying to meet somebody, I understand driving across country. But if you're in New York, like you can't meet someone a little closer. Yeah, they were discussing doing something a little more extreme than what they're saying in this article definitely so because hit the fucking nail on the head exactly right steve you don't fuck off all the way to michigan from new york you can find someone in new york to engage in your in your shit with you there this is this is not the full story for it if you have to go across the country to find from new york i

should i should add to to find someone who's into what you're into you're into some fucked up shit like like this has got to be some real dark stuff like i got a feeling this guy wanted his testicles eaten or something remember that case where like in germany or like norway or something like that where some guy posted an ad who was like i think the way it actually went was some guy posted like I would love to kill you and eat you and some guy responded like that's so funny just the other day I thought I want to be

killed and eaten and then they get together and the guy kills and eats him and then they're like you can't just kill and eat people and he's like responded to my Craigslist ad saying I want to be killed and eaten and they're like dude even so even so, that's fucked. We got to send you to jail for something.

They're like, we matched on Eater. I like it. We matched on Eater. The only two users of the site. Tremendously low revisiting rates from the users. I want to say that what they did was they they cut off the victims like dick and or balls and together they consumed them yes i think

you're right they like sauteed it up lector style and then they both enjoyed a little testicle tartar or something yeah so pretty gross i don't want I wouldn't want to eat anyone's testicles. You don't serve that like ceviche style. Like you got to actually cook it like that. You do. Yeah. You know, it would be such a bummer is if like you finally find someone who's willing to let you kill and eat them and you do it and you cook it and you're

like, it just isn't very good. This isn't what I imagined it. I it i should have sous vided your your cheek meat not not threw it on the stovetop so that would be disappointing i mean you live in yeah look we've all been cooking something and accidentally left something on the grill too long or whatever it is you know and you're just like ah fuck i gotta start this one over but if you woody's being like no perfect every perfect, every time. No, no. I'm like, what, you cook for yourself?

Woody's like, no, never cooked anything. What do you mean? You just say, wife, I'm hungry, and then it kind of just shows up. If you're tapping your watch at 1230 still, what's with this woman? But that's something like the amount of prep that goes into that is a lot more than just marinating something so like that's gotta suck if you you just leave it on a little too long you get distracted you know listen to pandora or whatever it is and then suddenly suddenly you gotta kill a

second person yeah you have to like go back in and tell him as he's sitting there bleeding like i ruined your dick and balls can how are you feeling about those fingers though? The grill's already hot. I feel like if I were going to be killed in the end. And you are tied up. We could do a salad. Wouldn't it be cool to do it in a sequence in such a way that you got to eat yourself a little bit too?

Yeah, that's what we're describing. No, that's horrific. Yeah, that is what happened, but that's terrifying. Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm multitasking, but yeah, I like where your head's at. i'm sorry i'm multitasking but yeah that i like i like where your head's at i like where your head's at yeah i never really considered that the victim would also get to have a bite that and there's a you know if you watch um if you read the book or you watch the tv show hannibal or if you watch the movie actually yeah one of his victims he he likes over the course of a long period of time like cuts him into pieces

and that each night they eat a different piece of him and like as it's ongoing at first he's he's in a wheelchair and one of his legs gone and then there's two legs gone and then he's only got one arm and then by the end he's like here you go he's like feeding him his own arm because the guy doesn't have a fucking arm anymore. But the guy in the show is so... The guy who's being cut up is another serial killer, and he's so out of it. Even sitting there just as a stump of a person,

he's like, so Hannibal, how are you going to escape this in the end? What's your plan? You can tell me. I don't really mind. Just sitting there, no limbs, chewing on his own like leg fat it's a very disturbing show in some and there's that very good in the movie there's

a scene where he cuts the top of a guy's head off while he's still alive and he cuts a small piece of brain out and like like flash fries it or something like sears it and then feeds it to him and he's like that's yummy when he's eating his own brain it's great it's actually brilliant from the victim's perspective it's brilliant from the victim's perspective because not only can you eat all you want but you still lose

weight that's uh I mean that's a new diet fat that's what's I see it coming yeah I mean you lose's a new diet fat. That's what's... I see it coming, yeah. I mean, you lose legs, but you're lighter. I mean, it's going to be hard to work out afterwards, so you got to diet this way. How are your workouts going, Steve?

Last time you were here, are you showing off your forearms? You're looking buff as fuck. How is it? Thank you. I started doing this core machine. Well, because I couldn't go to a gym anymore. So,

uh, I, I started doing this core machine at home and it was working really well. And I, I did this crazy, they're like, I don't know what the fuck happened, but I started having these like crazy headaches and I was really worried.

Like I went and got a cat scan cause I was having headaches for a month and I went and got a cat scan and, uh, they took an extra three days to tell me that it was okay and one of the major causes of headaches is stress and i was like hey i think it might be stressful to think that your brain is bleeding for an extra three days you think that that that might not be good for this condition um but yeah it turns out uh i hurt something in my in uh in my neck and like my shoulder was trying to compensate for it and so like i've been able to work out for a couple weeks because of it so i'm a scrawny pandemic piece of shit that's what's

going on that's the balance man like there are times when my enthusiasm is greater than my like durability that's what i'm looking for and uh yeah it's like fuck i just gotta like take a break for me it's been elbows for like a year and a half now. Those are the first part of my body to need a break. That's the first part we serve. So that's perfect. Oh, perfect. No, it's just something where I would probably be okay at this point.

But until the headaches are completely gone, I don't want to fuck with it. I don't want to. Because when you're working out and something hurts other muscles will compensate for that and i'm worried about like i'm worried about straining something the wrong way my form is garbage anyway so you know like that's part of why i'm afraid of free weights like i mainly use circuit machines which is why it sucks to not go to the gym because i know that my form sucks and so and and i know i could watch youtube video and learn how to do it but that takes time buff dudes i'm all about the buff dudes when i

need form do you know the buff dudes i've talked about them on the show before for starters they're like comically strong they're obviously gym experts their videos are like two and a half minutes long and they'll be like buff dudes this is what you do this is what you don't do buff dudes now you're working out like a buff dude and it's all i mean that's really what they say it's about that yeah they're pretty great so i say that again yeah well no the the thing that like worries me about all those youtube videos is that they're showing you something for 30 seconds and it takes seven fucking minutes. Right.

Of them just being like, hey, make sure to smash that subscribe button, you know, and like all that shit. And and all you want to do is and so you fast forward 30 seconds at a time and then somehow you miss it. And it's just I don't want to be sure to smash the lower back muscles when you deadlift incorrectly because of this two-minute video. Yeah. And there's a couple things I really like. They use small weights, right? So visually, you look at this guy and you're like, he must deadlift like 700 pounds. Like, holy fuck.

And he's demonstrating with 125. And I like it. He's got his form perfect. And, you know, especially if they use bad form because they'll show you like here's a common pitfall and uh the lights are wait i'm sorry the weights are light as heck and it's like i don't know it's everything i want from a video and like you said pacing is huge youtube rewards videos over 10 minutes although i think it's switching to seven and uh um no i'm here making four hour videos. So it is what it is. But when I watch a video, a lot of times if I'm looking for an answer, I want that thing to be three minutes.

This is a three minute answer that you have stretched 10 or 18. Well, not only 15 fucking seconds, like the thing of like, oh, where is this thing? And I'm editing something in Final Cut. Where is this feature? What do I do? And they'll just be like well first you open final cut i'm like yeah we the fucking got that one i already got you know first what you want to do is turn on that pc brother yeah stuff like that let me tell you about the complete history of final cut the way i would have solved this in 1986 final cut yeah looks like we got like 15 minutes are those like really annoying tutorials like i'll like look up how to you know how to

baste and grill spare ribs like at home or whatever and like you'll get some i don't know i'm just picking a random recipe i don't know that's pretty simple but you'll go to a youtube video and it'll be someone first of all with a 35 second dubstep intro. And then it'll be like, first, what you're going to do is you're going to take your fucking onion powder and your fucking onion salt. And you're going to season the fuck out of that motherfucking bitch cunt. And it's like, geez, like, stop trying to make cooking so intense. Just tell me what I need to do. Do you know exactly what I'm talking about?

And then you grab that and you tenderize the shit out of that chicken breast videos are these i don't know it's a lot of cooking videos and i've never seen you've never seen angry cooking videos now i'll be honest are they literally called angry cooking videos i think that you are born where they happen cook. I think that's what's happening. I'm like, damn, why do they never finish the recipes? They're just gonna fuck him. I'm on step four of making my own fud.

I wear pants with my apron, but you know, you do you, baby. You're gonna season that ramen and then you're gonna get your cock hard and fuck the chef. Season that ramen to season that ramen and then you're going to get your cock hard and fuck the chef. Season that ramen, then season that rump. It's because for some reason,

what, what seems to sell like in, in those short ish videos is, is quote unquote personality. And so, and so some people mistake yelling for personality, you know, And so some people mistake yelling for personality. And some people mistake weird enthusiasm for personality. And kids are interested in that, I think.

Most of it isn't even YouTube stuff. I can remember. It's more like those Reddit GIF recipes that I'm thinking of. Say it again. They don't have any audio, right? Oh, some of them do. Okay. Yeah, there's some that have full audio and everything,

and then other ones where it's just the on-screen thing, and it'll have the list of ingredients. And instead of saying, like, one avocado, it'll say, a motherfucking fat boy, and then, like, a picture of an avocado. And it's like, this is so frustrating yeah i i need to go to where kyle goes for his recipes going to random places and getting frustrated this sounds like i've seen in recipes is the like because i was you know i've been cooking a lot more because i'm you know i've been stuck at home for four months

and so i was like okay let me try to i wanted to make like a potato soup and i was like all right i want to make sure i don't fuck this up i've never done this before let me look at what to make and the first four recipes i found were like eight paragraphs about their grandmother's potato soup i'm like i don't give a fuck about your life i don't care about your history give me the fucking eight lines of ingredients that's all i want to know yeah it'll be like the intro be like well i see a fellow traveler interested in the irish tradition of potato consumption has stumbled across my fine old page i remember my first potato in 19 people do that also with like uh yelp reviews like i i saw a review once for an italian

restaurant where the first line of the review is so i'm dating again i was like are you she just has to announce it somewhere her facebook friends are so tired of it that she has to go to yelp it's like this eight paragraph i'm just like you're not carrie bradshaw just what what the fuck How's the pasta? How's the pasta? How's the pasta? On the YouTube thing, there's a balance though, right? So I might start off saying like, all right, I like paramotoring.

I'm watching this guy because I want to learn more about paramotoring. And then 18 months later, it's like, I like this guy. I wonder what this guy is doing today. That happened in the Call of Duty community everywhere. We started with like, I don this guy. I wonder what this guy's doing today. That happened in the Call of Duty community everywhere. We started with, I don't know, this is how I handle it when I know a guy's around the corner. I pre-fire from the hip or what have you. And then two years later, you're vlogging your way to Target because you're interested in that guy. It depends on what the video is.

If the video is, here's how to solve a specific problem it should be fucking quick if the video is i've had enough of them i'm sorry yeah he was he was very upset because that was those were his cooking videos he was talking about and he was hoping that one of us would validate him i couldn't take it anymore. Yeah. So if it's a, if it's a very quick, like if it's a specific problem that needs to be a quick video to address a specific problem, if it is a, but if it is a get to know you vlog thing,

then you can talk about your trip to target. That's fine. And as far as that transition, I think you've got to build an audience first. Like, like maybe wait till someone asks what your life is like, like, And as far as that transition, I think you've got to build an audience first. Like maybe wait until someone asks what your life is like. Like until you've got a substantial amount of your viewers saying, hey, Jim, like what's going on with you? You're always talking about the wife.

We've never seen her. You're always alluding to these fishing trips you go on. That's why we're watching you fix the boat but uh you know i'd love to see you bash bass fish as a matter of fact until someone starts doing that shit just fix the fucking boat show me how to repair the fiberglass show me tell me how long it takes to set like like i don't give a fuck about you or and yours and there's so many when i find a good video when it's just like all right it's what you do you got this tool and this tool and you do this and look it's fixed and all right goodbye i don't

need a goodbye from you all right now now the trick to getting this lug nut undone is a lot of wd-40 and some elbow grease now this one right here here more fucked than my marriage i'm miserable i hate myself my children don't respect me let's just go ahead and squirt some w40 on this one see if we can get it done actually once again nothing ever works for johnny nothing ever works for johnny you're kind of selling me on johnny i think i might sub yeah there's just some guy who doesn't know how to fix anything just son of a fucking bitch god my wife i can't i can't finish the video this is a good ass channel idea my favorite i've talked about it before but it was when i was trying to fix the washing machine and there were only two videos on youtube to fix uh the brand

of washing machine that we had and one of them was 27 minutes long and the other was 47 seconds long and i was like easy decision and i clicked the the you know the 40 second video and the guy's like well they made this thing like a fucking spaceship and if you really want to take it apart and get to the drain plug you got to take the top off the door off the back panel off it's about 18 10 millimeter bolts and then you want to pull this off don't break the wires and then you'll have access to the drain plug below fuck all that though and he pulls out a sawzall it goes and just cuts the ugliest most jagged hole you've ever seen in the bottom center of his washing machine reaches through that jagged hole you've ever seen in the bottom center of his washing machine reaches through that jagged hole carefully,

goes click, click, and we got it. Kitty would not allow me to cut a gigantic jagged hole in the washing machine, so I watched the fucking 25-minute video, and now I can do that whole process in less than five minutes. You need a hole saw. And a plug.

How'd that happen? It'd be like cutting a hole in a cell phone or something the way this washing machine looks. It's all shiny and very sleek. Futuristic. It wouldn't go down well. Touring, I'm always renting different cars and so sometimes

95% of cars have a gas cap in in a place that makes sense and you could figure out where the release is it makes sense every now and then like there'll be one where they're like isn't this clever it's hidden behind the taillight you're like but but why why is it there so like every now and then i would have to just be like where, where the fuck is this? And so, uh... The Americans still give us more respect. We will show them by fucking

with their gas caps. They will never suspect this must be reached under the mesh and flicked twice. They will be so frustrated their fat American chest burst through at the Phillips 66. That's what it will be i had a similar thing similar thing to kyle that where there was like two videos and one one was like 10 minutes long and one was eight seconds and i was like let me look at the eight second one and

it was literally they just go yeah it's stupid it's over here and they showed i was at a gas station completely baffled and i'm just i don't know what to do i'm looking around i'm playing with the gas like the the door itself and i can't figure anything out i'm looking all over and and some guy watched me struggle for like seven or eight minutes and then he took pity on me and just walked over got it for me and i was really grateful you see the video where the guy's walking around his tesla trying to figure out where it has to be fake wasn't a guy though it was it was fake right i don't know i don't know if it was fake or not i the the people watching watching it were giggling their ass off.

Who buys a Tesla? See, that's why I'm having a hard time. I think it said the dealer plates on it. See, that's even more suspect, right? You should know more. You know, a salesman just went over this thing top to bottom and was like, yeah, and the charging port's back here. And you didn't want the $8,000 charger for your house, so you'll need to do this and that.

I saw a woman at a gas station the other day, not me with my own eyes, but a video. And she was doing that thing. I'm sure we've all pulled up to the wrong side of the pond. Oh, I've seen that video. That was so good. But we immediately fixed that mistake. We have enough spatial reasoning to be like, ha, it's on the other side.

It's pretty easy. The other side against a pump. She fails at it four fucking times. The U-turn, the U-turn, the U-turn. And the best part is she's an awful parking lot driver. So she's doing like eight point turns or something like that to like get turned around. And you might think, well, okay, so she pulled up with the wrong side of the pump. She had to correct eight times and then she got the right side against the pump.

No, she put the wrong side on a different pump. And then she did it again. And every time she does it she gets out hands on hips and is like fuck physics is just a constant huh all right well let's try again of all phrases that one is a constant is definitely not one of them dude sometimes i beat people right do y'all have any right handed pumps I feel persecuted I remember that video because she's the one

where like you'll see on like the third attempt she'll like be first turn into the eight point turn you're like oh so she's just gonna back up now and get the side right on that perfect little slot oh no okay she's she's continuing to turn and again and oh and she's back where she's not it's not like she had it she had layups it's like a calligraphy k it is the most ridiculous like that i love it that's great yeah it's past but dude so when i had my

tacoma tacoma is a smaller truck i thought it was good at driving i was like i'm a good driver i do everything i aspire to do i'm not calling me to be a race car driver but if i want the truck here that's where it goes then i got a full-size truck now i just warn people like buckle up not very good at this there's gonna be a problem and uh thank god it has these like aerial cameras where if you're going slow you get this like bird's eye view of what's happening that helps a ton but um it's i'm better now than i was two years ago but it is a struggle i don't always get it first time. I think as vehicles have changed, they do need to change class of license. Like, if you don't know how to drive something bigger than a car, you shouldn't be allowed to drive something bigger than a car. Because I see people all the time who have no idea how fucking wide their truck is, and they're in two lanes, or they're parking across three spots or all this shit because they just don't understand how big their car is the the more spots that one bugs me because so i'll pull in and i might be on the

line or straddling it but here's the trick yeah they let you fix it right you can do you can take a second swipe at it if you want you know i'll pull in and i'll be like yeah that one was kind of a no no it's a law one spot one try yeah no you'll never find me parked badly but you won't know that that was the fourth try did i ever tell you guys did i ever i actually i actually think that you can tell a lot about a person by how much they're willing to fix a bad parking job like you can tell if someone's a decent human being because we all make that mistake every one of us you know pulls into a spot with you know it could be like a street spot where there's you know room for two cars you're too far from the driveway whatever it is like there's a million different ways to do that but not fixing it is the shit part

and so i was uh um it was around the holidays and i had to go to a mall i fucking hate going to a mall around the holidays. It's the worst. But there were there were no spots. I'm driving around. I see there's one spot. And this guy is parked as if he aimed for the middle line, like for the line in between to go in like under his car. And I was really, really pissed. I'm waiting a while. Finally, another spot opens up, pull in. This is when I was really really pissed I'm waiting a while finally another spot opens up pull in this is when I was still married and so I was like I'm gonna leave a note and my ex was like you don't

really need to need to leave a note I'm like I'm just pissed I'm gonna write something nasty I want to leave a note and so I look in her glove box and she has a the envelope from a parking ticket that she had gotten for an expired meter and so I took that and I wrote the note on that and put it under his windshield. And it said, I hope this momentary, uh, panic that this gave you reminds you there are other people in the world do

a better job next time, asshole. And I was so happy with it. Just the idea of that guy thinking he had a ticket in a fucking parking garage in a mall. How afraid were you when you were putting it under the windshield wiperiper though so scared you have no fucking idea i was terrified i was you're like uh and she's watching too this could go this could go down real quick can you can you block me as much as possible i've got a story about so when i worked at cisco there was a guy who did that every day now my my personal

take on straddling spots is it's okay so long as you're not taking the prime real estate maybe you have a nice car a new car something that means a lot to you so you park in the back and you take two spots so no one parks next to you knock yourself out you're gonna walk an extra 30 feet but uh if it makes you feel better about your car not getting dinged, then cool. But that's not what this guy would do. He would come in and take the best spots available, and he would take two of them. And I don't know. Angry young Woody would see this every day and just get angrier and angrier and angrier.

So I Googled for ideas, and the best one i saw was to start putting bird seed around the person's car and on the person's car so the birds would shit on the car and loiter around the car and eventually train birds to just like hang out on this person's car and i'm like i wholeheartedly approve of this idea i even bought the bird seed now I may have done it once or twice, but he stopped. He actually didn't stop taking spots, but he started moving. But yeah, I was totally prepared to bird seed this fucker every day until the birds thought his car was the hangout spot. By the way, Angry Young Woody is a great name for a band. That is an excellent band.

I hadn't even thought of it. That angle. Yeah. that is an excellent bandage i hadn't even thought of it that angle yeah but yeah um i uh i also don't get the people who will like fight for a parking spot in front of a gym because like you're there to work out and you can't walk an extra 30 feet on the other hand the walk back is brutal i feel like the harder your workout is the better spot you should earn right they should watch you and be like, Steve, I've noticed the extra effort you're putting in. We're moving your car up front.

Yeah, they just slowly bring it back. Yeah, this is an excellent system. I think this is a really good idea. Some like yoke guy comes in after parking in the back. You're like, stir her. No, no, you're right at the front. You're right at the front. This big fat guy, first day of the gym. He parking in the back you're like stir her no no you're right at the front you're right at the front this big fat guy first day of the gym he's in the back he gets the benefit of a little extra cardio on the way in when you're coming from yeah it's not crazy wait

are you arguing for non-handicapped spots like you're i'm arguing for able-bodied spots. I'm arguing for able-bodied spots. And 90% of the front part of every gym is that. I think the employee... It's blue writing on the parking spot, and it's just a guy laughing at a wheelchair? Yeah, it's just... No, it's a guy overhead pressing and throwing

a person in a wheelchair towards a different spot. Overhead pressing a wheelchair wheelchair that's what you want or actually you have uh they're one rep maxes on there where it's like i can park here i can bench uh 430 pounds it's like well sir i'd believe you you know or if somebody's like snipes in and they go you got squat 500 i don't think so ma'am to the back to the back and that would help everyone because most people can't do lifts like that even like people who are super into lifting for years and years and years really what it would

end up being would be like a bunch of empty spots and then a bunch of full spots you know what now this system is falling apart woody i'm starting to second guess it there should be but it's also similar to valets at the gym who observe your workouts and move your car closer the better you do right like maybe you get in there you're warming up and they're like fuck this guy he's gonna be a walker and by the end when you're doing your massive farmers carries your car's into the front window that's that's the system i approve of okay i like that yeah you you go you do one of those things where you like uh you just stretch the whole time. You're not working out. You get out, and you're like, why is my car parked in Oklahoma?

What the fuck? Bonus for leg day. Because you did fake yoga in the middle of the track. That's why. I saw that, though. There was once I was at a restaurant in some small town in Idaho. We're just on our way to a gig, and we stop in this teeny little town, probably a population of 10,000, and

they're in front of the restaurant. There are three spots, three spots for Purple Heart award winners. That's too many spots. I was like, how many Purple Hearts have been given out, let alone live in this fucking town?

I just don't understand like how how much do they think that this is going to make them seem patriotic that they're like you know what only purple heart winners can eat at this restaurant then they go out of business in three weeks they're like oh we have miscalculated a great deal at cisco they had so many handicap spots right now i work here and i know that there really aren't that many handicap people like they were always empty and i there's more than you're thinking right now there might have been like 38 handicap spots and of course it's the best 38 spots at this building and and by the way the lot would fill up right sometimes you wouldn't even be able to park at your own building if you were late you'd have to like park at someone else's building and it's like motherfuckers are we hosting the special olympics

on a daily basis here with 32 handicapped bots what is this you know how you can get in trouble for parking and handicap parking uh-huh you cannot get in trouble for parking an expectant mother of course not yeah i do it all the time little life pro tip for listeners out there you can't get in trouble for parking an expected mother so wait even if you're just yeah what if you have a beard and you're like you that's not a protected group try and pull off expecting who's gonna call someone out on that? You know what I would think if I saw some guy, some single guy parking and expectant mother, I'd be like,

that's really funny. I should have thought of that. What are they going to do? There was a comic who had a bit about how, uh, how he was, uh, he was hooking up in his car and a cop like taps on the window and he

thought he was yet like some ticket for lewd behavior, but it turned out they had parked in an expected mother spot. And he was like, well, give me a minute. I can't think of who it was. No, that's a good joke. I like that. Parking as a whole is out of control. It's become too complicated. Cut all the handicap spots

in half? Purple Heart winner spots? Apparently cut it in a third. How often are you going to even have one there? I've never seen Purple Heart parking. I get it. Hey, Jim wanted Purple Heart.

We should have a spot for him. Then that's Jim's spot. You don't have to fucking say why. You just put his name yeah it'd be fine you know what i like employee of the month parking i feel like someone has gone above and beyond at their job doing it the best that it can be done and they get a special parking spot like i really respect that guy you know what's even more incentivizing than that? Worst employee of the month parking, which is way the fuck away. It's like by a train station on the wrong side of the tracks. He's like, God, I really should have taken my calls more seriously.

I'm sorry. You're a Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard and murder street. I looked it up. There have been 1.8 million Purple Hearts given out, so maybe there were three in that town, but although a lot of those guys have died at this point, we're not driving anymore.

Maybe some were healing up. Do you get a Purple Heart if you die? I don't know. Oh, wait. If you get that, you I don't know. No. Oh, wait. Yeah. Yeah, if you get that, you get something on top of that.

See, that's bullshit, though. What'd you say, Taylor? You get the... Maybe I'm wrong. I think if you die in combat, you both get the Purple Heart, and there's some other medal for, like, dying valor or something like that

you get if you actually die. I might be wrong. Look, I don't think you should get a medal if you actually die i might be wrong look i i don't think you should get a medal uh if you died okay just for dying like make it up just fine in in 1962 they change it so that you can get a purple heart after you die so maybe three spots is too many i'm back on i'm back in the. That's bullshit. If you get wounded and live, all right, that's an accomplishment. You fought through it. But if you just die, I mean, even Call of Duty.

There's got to be some sort of power in it also. You can't just. There's no achievement in Call of Duty for dying. Yes, there is. But what if you die? We need the show after it. That's not an achievement, though. They don't give you a purple heart.

Give them a death streak. Put a painkiller fucking emblem on their tomb or something. But don't give them... I guess they're not going to get special... That's what the show name means? Jesus Christ. You parked the hearse right here. Wait, what does the show name mean? You don't the hearse right here. Wait, what does the surname mean?

You don't want to know. What was the name of that? It's super nerdy. It's a thing from a video game. It's fine. Okay. I mean, quickly, I was playing. If you die three times, you get this streak called painkiller,

and it makes it so you have more health. Next time, it's a little harder to kill him. And Wings complained that someone had painkiller already because makes it so you have more health next time it's a little harder to kill him and Wings complained that someone had painkiller already because our teammates were so good people were dying in just minutes into the game they had like three deaths already and he said painkiller already in a funny way

and it became the show name there it is so that's that's something where it's like a Mario Kart thing where they reward it's like a mario kart thing where they they reward you for losing yes yeah yeah and now it's too late to change the name so it's a dumb thing yeah call of duty has a history of trying to make the game like accessible to new players and if you're a very good player those attributes frustrate you it's like like

if i'm better than you hypothetically i should win every time but in call of duty i'll probably win two-thirds of the time and that can we were bouncing around with each other idea ideas for the show and i was shot down over and over on the idea for taylor and friends i kind of like it now. Great idea. Shot to the bottom all the time. Understandable. Do you guys ever play Winter Games for the Commodore 64? This is like a very, very

old computer game. So Winter Games. It was... You guys might be too young. Woody might be too or 64 this is like a very very old computer game uh no so winter games it was it was an uh you guys might be too young woody might be too old for it i'm in the sweet spot but the uh the idea was basically so it's it's the olympics you know the the whole game was various of an olympic events and one was figure skating and if you fell enough times you got a perfect score it was i don't know if it was a purposeful glitch or just something wrong with the game but if you fell enough times, you got a perfect score. It was, I don't know if it was a purposeful glitch or just something wrong with the game. But if you fell the most number of times, you would get all tens. And like, or sixes, whatever the fuck the perfect score is in skating.

And so like there was, there were two ways to play. It was like try to do all the, try to hit all the jumps or try to fucking fall on your face. And I've seen comics have sets like that. Like they fall so much that people are like, okay, I like this. Bill Burr in Philadelphia. Yeah. Bill Burr in Philadelphia started on the ice and then landed a fucking quadruple jump. Like that set was amazing.

I just watched that a couple days ago i've been watching this uh this youtuber who like he watches he's a black guy and he doesn't know much about like rock music or country music and a lot of other like genres and so it's just him watching music videos to music that he has no idea about and uh it's it's actually really good to see his reaction to like some old country music or some old rock or something but uh he he reacted to bill burr's set uh in uh in philly and it was fucking hilarious i hadn't heard him do it in like years so it was it'd been a while since i'd seen it and man that was hilarious must be a youtube algorithm thing because like that thing got put in front of me not long like I've also watched it in the last week or two.

And it was good. It was really good. I remember it was even better in my memory. But it was really good. But what's cool is I saw Bill Burr talk about it and how it worked. It's exaggerated that every comic before him was failing. It was really just one or two guys that struggled. And some guys were killing it and uh yeah he just got up there and sort of went at

the fans instead of trying to please him he went at him and they liked it because philly's awesome there was a uh there was a show i did at the fringe in edinburgh where i didn't really understand how the show worked it It was this late night show. It's called late and live. And it is notorious for just a really rowdy crowd. And so I went up there and like, you can't get them to listen at all. And finally there was,

there was some asshole who like, he was upset. Cause I was wearing black shoes with blue jeans and he was like giving trying to give me shit about it and i was like i don't care enough to be upset by this and he was just this rich kid with a fucking you know pink shirt with like the collar half popped and like drinking wine at this at this rowdy show it was ridiculous so i I asked him. I was like, what kind of shoes do you have? He holds one up to show me. I was like, that looks like a nice shoe.

That's a nice shoe, man. He's like, yeah. He's all proud of his nice shoes. Can I see that? All excited. He goes, yeah. He tosses it to me. I turn and I just throw it off the stage to the side. I'm walking home in the rain, asshole. I just did it because I was mad the side walking home in the rain asshole and i just did it because i was mad and like i couldn't get them on my side and i like i left the stage and

the producer makes a beeline for me and i'm like well here it is i'm never gonna get booked on this show again and she just goes oh that was great and she gives me a hug i was like that's that's what you wanted from this show oh it's been a while since you've been here, but we call him Johnny Shoes. He causes problems every single time. He has never approved of a comic's footwear. She booked me again the next week. Oh, cool. It was ridiculous.

And I was just like, I just don't like that guy. That's why I did it. That's what, yeah, that's what they wanted. I don't know what I expected before I came. I'm in Denver right now, and just walking around, my cousin, who I'm very good friends with, lives here, and so we ended up

staying here so we could hang out with him for a while. He's like a hippie, hiker, that kind of guy. Vegan. Not one of the vegans. Partly a guy who goes skiing with you when you go in july carry on yep but i was like i retard that i am i was like yeah but like people can't walk around in public and just smoke weed in denver like you have to go somewhere and do it and like just walking around the first night a few nights ago, I was like, oh my God, every 30 feet, no lie, 30 feet,

you just walk through a cloud of skunk. And this whole city, I thought at least that if people were smoking and walking around in the city, they would be taking little vape hits and being like, oh, let me try and ghost it. No, there are people walking around with two joints behind both ears and ripping one. And it's like, man,

this place rocks. Can you get a contact from that at all? Like, is it? Yeah. No, you're out. You're outside.

Like every, everything's, you can smell it, but like it's, it's blowing away. It'd be like saying like, you know how you can smell cigarette smoke, Woody.

You've never gotten a nicotine buzz off cigarette smoke, right? I wouldn't think so. Yeah. Same thing as that. Yeah. Like you, you'd have to be like sitting there in a tinyotine buzz off cigarette smoke, right? I wouldn't think so. Yeah. Same thing as that. Yeah. Like you'd have to be like sitting there in a tiny little box, you know, air tight. And then someone just going directly into your face. Yeah.

But yeah, that's, that's crazy. They really don't care here. Denver right now is like like cigarettes in new york in the 40s like it's just it's everywhere but the toughest thing about denver now is like it's so difficult to get anything done like if you i don't know if you've experienced this taylor but the last time i was there like just trying to order a fucking sandwich. Cause every clerk is high. Yeah. Everyone is high on their fucking mind. And you're just like,

Hey, can I get a sandwich? And they're like, yeah, can you get me one? It's like, no, I,

dude, there have been two different times on this trip. A sandwich. That sounds real good. call back later. I got to take care of something. There's literally been two different times on this trip so far that like it's late at night like we'll go to a bar hang out with my cousin his friends my girlfriend whatever and like i'm i'm baked to shit and they'll come over and be like what do you want i'll be like oh i'll try

this beer that whatever and like they leave like 10 minutes later i'll be like, what do you want? I'll be like, oh, I'll try this beer, that beer, whatever. They leave. Ten minutes later, I'll be like, are they brewing all of this fresh for our table of four people, five people? Then, this is twice in four days, they'll come back and be like, could you guys remind me again what you all ordered?

I'm high as a kite sitting here at your table and you can't remember my order? I can tell you the beers we all wanted. So you must be absolutely blessed. I had a, I had a good time that I tried to check in. I tried checking the hotel last time I was in Denver. And this is like,

it's like a nice hotel. And the clerk is high out of her fucking mind. And like, I asked her what type my room is. And she says, it's a Klecks. And I'm like, what, what was that word? And like, it's a clex i'm like what what was that word and like it's a back and forth for a while until finally i figure out that then she tells me that means club level

executive and i was like okay i don't know your staff terms so i don't know what what a clex it like i don't know what the shorthand is and she's like, okay, it's club level executive. I'm like, I still don't know how many beds that is. Yeah, I'm with you. I was like, I hear club level executive, and I think pretty nice. I mean, is that a presidential suite? You have a picture of it. Isn't that one nice bed? Two okay beds?

Yeah, all club level is in a Sheridan just means you have access to the breakfast lounge. That's what club level is in uh in a sheridan just means you have access to like the breakfast lounge like that's what club level is and then uh executive uh just just means their king room that's slightly bigger like that's that's what it meant in that hotel anyway but it took me 10 fucking minutes to figure that out because like this woman couldn't understand that i don't know the inside hotel terms you know the worst at that everyone who's ever served in any military. My God. Them with their acronyms. What are they doing with the acronyms here?

You have to know your audience to some extent, right? I was a computer guy, right? Computer people do acronyms at a level that rivals anybody else, even military guys. But we do understand the audience, you know, we don't just talk in letters, but military guys will tell you they're about the PCS,

which turns out that means move. You can't put that together. Who knows what PCS means? If you're not serving in the military, maybe if you take the time to actually say the words and think about it a little bit, maybe we'd win another war sometime in a decade or next. What's it been?

What's it been? 50 years since you guys have won one? We're due for a win. We're the New York Yankees on like a 50-year fucking wind drought. No, lies. We're the state that won the Blues. And the blues won last year, and the militaries, they're in for a victory at some point.

How many wars can you lose in a row? That's why we're sending military to fight ourselves because one of us will win. That's a good point. Ooh, yeah. I think you guys haven't considered Portland's a win. What's going on in Portland? I know that I've been so

not connected the past week to anything political or social media. I know Portland, there's a bunch of riots and shit going down. Trump sent Department of Homeland Security in Portland, and depending on whether you look at this through the blue or red

lens, the red lens is finally some law and order. The red lens is finally some law and order the blue lens is they're literally feds like with no badge numbers no id throwing people into unmarked vans and taking them to places we don't know and it's like all right mr grab your gun celebrities where are you this is what you train for you know what are these people doing are they just like grabbing we're in texas so that depends on where you where you fall to right like i saw a video and it's like a skinny 22 year old guy who didn't seem to be doing anything but they're like we heard a report that he was vandalizing something and it's like so you didn't see it but someone

told you that this dude was vandalizing so now you take him and you throw him in a van with no i gotta say I mean don't don't we normally throw people in secret prison for graffiti I mean I think that that's that's pretty standard right shouldn't do that though I hate graffiti right like that should be a case by case basis if it's a night

Da Vinci over there with your swear words under the bridge get hey hey swear words under the bridge are different if it's a really nice, like if they catch somebody graffiti and it's like, damn, that's a cool ass picture of like a, a safari,

like a lion and a giraffe. All right. All right. You're fine. But if it's like, you just spray painted in bad, in bad font, you're going to jail.

What's wrong with you? Yeah. You're using scars and money signs on your insults in graffiti straight to jail there's a c in f u f u q what is that what it should be a quality based crime you know if you make a quality bit of art you're good to go if it's not good quality that's the risk you take you know and i get to be the driver. Growing up in New York in the 80s, I definitely had an appreciation for like good graffiti. There was like really, there was a lot of really like good graffiti.

It looks tight, but like at least in St. Louis, the 5% that look tight is far outweighed by like the 95% of like ugly shit and gang signs. Like those way out. They're just starting out graffiti and you don't, 95% of like ugly shit and gang signs. Like those way out. They're just starting out graffiti and you don't draw by just spelling out the word lion. And then eventually because they do it on the side of train so much, I know this could never happen,

but I would like it if some guy could like start practicing on one of the front cars and then get better and better as he goes along. So you can see the train going by and being like, Oh, that's no, that's okay. Okay. Let's see what I can do in here.

This is all right. You can, you can graffiti now by the end, by the caboose, it's fucking Michelangelo. That's what you need. I do. I do wonder the idea though of because like i i had posted something about how like there are people who because i i did a bit about uh gun control and the responses were always like we're doing this to prevent against a tyrannical government in case there's a tyrannical government

that's why we need the guns and i'm like like, okay, fine, if that's your argument. Fine. But now that there are soldiers in the streets, why are you with the soldiers? Like, why are you on that side? You've been saying you're against this the whole time. That's a 22-year-old who may or may not have graffiti deserves what he gets, maybe. Yeah. Show us what he gets, maybe. Yeah. Show us what he graffitied.

I don't know if you've been watching Big Herc lately. One of our favorite... So this guy's ex-felon, ex-con. Did a lot of time. He's a shot caller. Big, swole black guy, as they say. He's's very matter of fact with

his opinions about stuff like it's the language he uses hilarious like he's i guess he answers viewer questions sometimes and he'll just be standing on the street in a white theater answering these questions and uh they asked him you know what about these guys who are just gay for the stay you know they they're not gay on the outside but they they have sex with men while they're inside he's like you have sex with a man at all you gay if uh you put your pp in another man's butthole that make you gay and and you know that's you you be you but i ain't gonna chill with you that ain't cool you putting your pp in another man's butthole i can't be having that did he really say pp this guy is cool yeah and so um i guess he was reacting to um that what do they call themselves chas or something that like autonomous group that had uh set up and that was the seattle thing yeah

in seattle they had taken over a police station like like three weeks ago when it was going on he was like y'all fucked he's like'all, they're having a good old time. They taking names. They remembering who you are. Y'all got cases coming. And then I guess recently they locked all those fuckers up and the leader was crying as they drug him away. And he's like, why are you crying, big man? Why are you crying now?

I know why you're crying now because they got you and hey all of y'all who left last week and thought it's over no they coming for y'all too they got cases on all of y'all it's fucking hilarious is that shit over yet is the whole the Seattle thing

they let that thing brew for weeks while they built cases against those people and let them do commit as many crimes as they possibly could. And then they arrested them all. Dude, imagine how much that would suck if you're just some guy who works at a construction site or at the bank as a teller. And then it's like, guess what? These six blocks belong to us.

And you're like, I still got to go to work, guys. Can I still go to the construction site? can I still go to the construction site? Can I still go to the bank? Did they? I would not want people fucking coming to my apartment area and just camping out right in front. That would piss me off.

I had a buddy who lives up there and he was doing video from it and it looked like a fucking street festival. It looked like a block party. Oh, I mean, if he liked it. Well, I don't want that in front of my block either. Yeah, right? Hey, quiet down.

I don't want noise out there. That sucks. Stop kissing. I remember, I talked about it years ago on the show when I lived in St. Louis in the city. Saturday mornings there was this motherfucking homeless guy that would just yell down the same alley, and I could hear him getting closer and closer,

and I knew Saturday morning, fucking Cletus the homeless motherfucker, he's coming down the way. But yeah, that sucked. I can't imagine if there were people yelling, screaming right outside where I lived constantly. Yelling and screaming. There were rapes and violence. Yeah screaming there were rapes and violence yeah there were rapes and murders but like even just if if it's just

noise and garbage in front of your place like and you leave every morning and you see another dozen bottles of diet pepsi or fucking smearing off or whatever the hell it would be like that would be annoying as shit dude this happened like two years ago so i i live in a like it's sort of a dead end where like my group of houses that i live in so there isn't really much traffic aside from the people that live there and um some guy parked his like shitty car at the end of my driveway so not on my driveway but on the road which i own but like what it's almost like public property even though that's my property and And he just parked there. I don't really know what's going on.

And it's darkish. It's like, call it 9.30 p.m. And I don't know. I just don't like him there, I guess. But I don't know what the scoop is. So I come up to his car. I'm sorry to interrupt you. Do we know if he's a white man?

We don't know, but I do now. So you're very worried. You can't take that kind of chance. So I knock on his window and I ask him if he needs any help, right? Because best case scenario, better for the doubt, is he's having car trouble in front of my house. And he's like, no, man, I got this. I'm just trying to get my fuck on and then this girl who I didn't really see like shows me her head

and he's having sex he considers like in front of my house to be a private little place where you get your fuck on Kyle so by the little voice you did and the verbiage, not a white guy.

He is a white guy, although he might be appropriating some culture here. Okay. Okay. Or at the very least, you are. Okay. How am I going to tell a story? So. Hold on.

Hold on. No, Kyle, you have to be a black guy. The second he said someone was on my property, that shouldn't be. So any clue whatsoever that he was anyway. So I processed this for a second. Right. And there he is. And there's his girl.

And I'm'm like last time you can't come back and do this anymore and uh and we we came to an agreement and i don't think he ever came back and i'm pretty sure he uh that's a very cool guy of the week moment of you i'm in the running you're in the running so far. How long did it take him to finish? I didn't time. Are you going to stay there and watch? That would be funny if you were like, all right, well, wrap it up.

Okay, but I've got rules about this. How are you doing it wrong? Otherwise, he's going to run Macy Camber for that. That's a bad idea. Get her leg up higher. He gets tired, and you're just like, I'll push you, buddy. the front facing camera for that. That's a bad idea. Get her leg up higher. He gets tired and you're just like, I'll push you, buddy. Don't worry. I'm here for you. Do you need me to hold her ankle? Oh, God.

You wouldn't need the trunk open if you didn't have a smart car. Just fucking there. That's good of you to let that nut. Have any of us ever it uh have any have any of us ever been caught or have any interesting car sex stories i have a car but i wasn't caught i wasn't caught it was just i had just gotten a new car and uh i was i was hooking up with a date in the car and uh so she's blowing me, but she doesn't want to swallow. And she's like, where do you want to come?

And I was like, not on the upholstery. Like, this is a brand new car. So let's figure out another place, because this is not, I'm not coming on my car right now. Fair enough. And so? So where'd you come? On her tits.

I mean, I'm a gentleman. You trusted your reign. Fair enough. That's good. Well, you do it from close range. I'm not a hero. You get in the back. I'm going to sit on the dash.

And fire it through the captain seats into the back of the Honda Odyssey. Not all of these pulses are going the same distance. We got a problem here. I don't think I've ever been caught in a car. I would have fought a Honda Odyssey, but thank you. I've fought in the parking garage of the O'Hare airport in a car. And we never got caught. But every time we were in the backseat of the car,

obviously the car was moving and someone else was coming climbing up. It would just be like, oh, okay, that's not a security. That's not a cop. All right, keep going. And that was it. Very anticlimactic. Well, we did both climax, but we didn't get caught. I've done a few things um at the airport with the windows tinted and people literally right outside the

window getting in their car and just being like don't move they can't see us if we don't move she's like is is that Jurassic Park? I'm like, shh. You see the little water cups stirring. I would always run into this situation where I would fly lots of girls in. And so we would be driving back to my house from the airport, which was two hours. So maybe we'd get started before we got back to my house. And so she would be giving me head and her like ass was in the window. And then I underestimated just how tinted my windows were, which. So like the truck driver next to us is like, honk, honk.

Yeah. And. Oh, it didn't help. They weren't down. They weren't down. She was cheating outside the window that was the weirdest part of it i don't know what you were thinking the windows are tinted but the convertible top was down um we we definitely like one time uh didn't even make

it back from the airport i was like we could just uh go to a park or something before we get to my house and uh and so we did that and we were having sex in my truck and uh it's in the back seat and i don't think it was for us but there was like park security with sirens and lights that was like driving toward us really fast and but the road that got came to us was super curvy so we had like tons of time to like alright alright zip it up we gotta go we gotta go and just had to escape the park

cause I would not want to get caught I don't know if there's any legal ramifications from that you know you always hear those horror stories of the guys who become fucking sex offenders cause they're fucking their girlfriend in a slightly public place or something like that like you're drunk walking doing the responsible thing walking home from the bar and you just take

a piss in a in a like a playground because it's 11 p.m at night the kids are at fucking home it's not it's not like you did it during broad daylight between episodes of blues clues all right it's nighttime i know i pull up to the chain link fence i open my overcoat i pee through it all the kids at the elementary school are playing soccer and suddenly i'm the sex offender it's bullshit i'm sorry officer when did it become illegal to ask a third grader if they wanted to make $20? When did this become a crime, sir? I believe I'm protected. I've got like a don't tread on me cape on.

I should be able to say that. That's all I have on. Don't tread on me cape. Don't tread on me cape. Oh, and we're probably around here we definitely had uh had sex in like a back room that we snuck into it like um who did sorry i didn't i did uh at this resort in georgia i can't think of the name of it right now it's um some french shit rude or rude flirtally or some nonsense but we broke into like this back

don't say yeah we we didn't break in we didn't do that um and uh went to this uh it was a ballroom it was a and and i like to imagine that it was all it was set up to be like a like a i don't know like a wedding was about to take place or something like maybe the next day and i like to imagine that it was set up to be like a wedding was about to take place or something. Like maybe the next day. And I like to imagine that we fucked on somebody's really expensive dinner. And I don't think I came, though, because I was super nervous about getting caught. Because it seemed like what we were doing could be perceived as illegal. Did you fake it or just fuck some and get i literally said like i i don't

think this is a good idea we got to go somewhere else uh yeah i was arrested for faking and entering faking and entering yes yes that's exactly what happened i don't think i but i don't think i've ever actually been caught caught so yeah no i haven't i used to be a lifeguard on the on the beach and uh every once in a while you'd find a condom in the stand when you went to work in the morning sucks but that's life in the big city right so uh you show up to work with gloves and tongs i'm not that like germaphobic you know you just grab the rim of it and you toss it somewhere, throw it in the trash, and that's the end of that. It's a fucking tissue.

It's gross. Who has tissues? No, I use my teeth. You know who has tissues? People who are used to condoms being at their job. That's who should have tissues. Every couple of weeks, there'd be one. It wasn't all the time.

who should have every couple of weeks there'd be one it wasn't all the time but uh i got inspired of course and uh and wanted to leave my own condoms in the in the lifeguard stand when i tried to pull that off it i don't know how they do it how quick are these people having sex someone was coming by like every three minutes you could hardly neck in the lifeguard stand in peace and there are police roaming up and down the streets and little like four-wheel drive golf carts and shit i don't know the most dangerous sex i've ever had i'm sure most of us probably have like gotten blown while we drove but we were driving back from like texas to georgia which is a very long drive drive. She just got on top of me and we had sex while I drove.

I just had got back from flying a helicopter and blowing some shit up. This was far more dangerous than any of that. We were really taking our lives into our own hands. I'm looking over her shoulder while I'm driving. That may have been one of the most

dangerous things i've ever done totally worth it though yeah i yeah i i've done that jackie and i have done that i'm sorry woody yeah and but and i think i've done shit other people shouldn't do i don't approve of that but yeah you should see the look on the guy at burger king when we came through i got uh um when i like when i was first on the road i and you know driving 10 hours at a time and it's like all local radio you know this is this is almost 20 years ago and like you know you go for stretches where there's one radio station and it's jesus and that's all you have i'm like there was one point where i was on this like super straightaway highway i hadn't seen cars for you know five ten minutes and i was like i wonder if i just stay in the middle lane how long can i close my eyes and feel safe and i like did that a couple of times like you know a couple seconds and like when i

think back to it now and i'm like oh thank god i have spotify like yeah just the idea of like how bored i must have been to just be like why don't i just see if i die or not you know like it's it's such a dumb thing yeah when you get out west and some of those places some of those places that just don't have radio stations anymore it's like where where am i there's no radio stations at all there i've been places with no radio or like the one station that it like you know it'll you'll hit scan and it'll just roll over forever and then come right back around to the station that you were just on that you were trying to leave yeah the one that you hate there's so many parts of the country that have absolutely no radio signal.

Like, because, you know, especially if you're like in the mountains. Yeah. Like there are places where you can go probably a half hour with zero radio signal. It's, you know, it's one of these things. And it sucks like now, you know, when there are places where you're like, oh, I haven't had a cell signal for 20 minutes or whatever it is. And so you just hope you have shit on your phone already. Otherwise otherwise you actually have to like look at the road like an idiot it's ridiculous i went on like a like a six or seven mile hike a couple days ago where i had no with my girlfriend no signal at all and like as i'm coming back down the mountain at the end like I start getting the buzzes just nonstop.

And I'm thinking, oh my god, something serious must have happened. For some reason, my phone still wouldn't open up because it's broken. And I get down to the camp. Not the camp, the fucking parking lot where we got where we started the trail. And I open up my phone. I'm finally able to click through to the message thing. And it was my retard friends in their group chat arguing 287 messages i think it was about which specialty halloween breakfast cereal was better like boo berry i'm sorry taylor all right woody

and i had strong opinions it started out just leave the chat i know it started out just normal cereal and then they moved on to hallow it was like, it's too much. Taylor, I have disagreed with a lot of the things that the hosts have said on this show. If you tell me you're a Count Chocula person, I'm fucking out right now. I cannot abide. What are you, Taylor? Are you a Boo-Berry man?

It's Franken-Berry. You gotta go with Franken-Berry. All the way. Wait, what flavor is Franken-Berry? I remember Boo-Berry. I don't even fucking know. I'm just naming the flavors of that. What is your favorite cereal? Forget about the holiday bullshit.

Oh. Frosted Flakes. Frosted Flakes. When I was a little kid, I liked Cookie Crisp, but only because I was forbidden from having it, and so it felt like a treat. But, yeah, other than that, maybe Lucky Charms, probably.

Lucky Charms? We didn't eat cereal at our house. If we ever had breakfast made for us, it was eggs and bacon. Well, let me help you out a little bit. That's some real white trash shit. Fair enough. I think less of you I think less of you

I think less of you as a man. Alright? You went from right up here I think less of you as a man. All right? You went from right up here. You're way down here now. What's a more appropriate cereal? They don't always have to be Lucky Charms. Fuck you with those nasty ass marshmallows. Even the cereal part looks like the rejects from a better cereal.

It's like all the misformed pieces from an actual good cereal. And they made lucky charms with the leftovers. Even when I was like seven years old, I remember his little rhyme and instead of Clover's in blue moons and whatever, whatever, whatever, something in balloons.

Yeah. I thought that he was saying balloons twice, like 2020 rapper style where you can't think of another word to rhyme so you use the same word i remember even being like seven being like that's fucking bullshit that he rhymes blue moons with blue moons like that's come on come up with a better jingle but then i found out later it was not blue moons with balloons uh my favorite cereal is cinnamon toast crunch that is the correct answer cinnamon toast crunch is cinnamon toast crunch is a cereal

you can eat without milk which is rare absolutely it it's a cereal that makes good ice cream even like cinnamon ice cream is fucking good that's cereal dry cereal no i don't eat dry cereal but you can oh three pebbles are great i eat frosted mini wheats because i'm able to lie to myself about how that's actually a health cereal. I mean, it's mini-wheats. You know there's more sugar in Raisin Bran than almost any other cereal? Yeah. I'm sure Raisin Bran is so good. A milkless cereal.

Well, no, but they're raisins covered in sugar. Yeah. That's why when you eat that, you're like, these are the best fucking raisins I've ever had. yeah that's why when you eat that you're like these are the best fucking raisins if you tried to take to take just unfrosted wheats and then add raisins you'd be like this is trash this is a trash tier food but it's just the fucking raisins and confectioner's sugar of course it's delicious it's dude i don't know how that's gotta help you around every one of those if you look at

like all the like the kashi go lean like all that shit it is just all sugar yeah it's like they it's healthy and it's garb they just all they do is take the fat calories out introduce sugar calories then they can say low fat no fat i don't have breakfast and not only that i don't have breakfast all the time but here's the deal we watch this little girl now and she loves blueberries so i will take frosted mini wheats a health food and then take fistfuls of blueberries which i think are vegetables and lie to myself about this healthy breakfast that i'm having and it's it's glorious blueberries have sugar but they're pretty healthy actually. They taste too good to be healthy.

A lot of antioxidants in the blueberry. Berries are unbelievably expensive. Are they? I'm probably having a $9 bowl of cereal. Fistfuls. Multiple fistfuls. If you want a nice menagerie of berries like

blackberries,berries blueberries raspberries everything that's it's so fucking expensive it's like five dollars that you're eating menageries of berries i'm saying if you happen to want one you you are you a single berry man i can't be satisfied by a single berry my friend i need the whole spectrum of berries what does your berry selection have to do with i'm? I'm actually polyberry. Because I feel like he's eating like a medieval times king or something. Like he's got

the big fruit bowl full of berries. Just because I eat tomato slices off of red plates doesn't mean I'm in the middle ages. I love how Kyle was like combining blueberries and raspberries? What wealth is this?

This goes against Christ. The thing that makes me feel the most like I have admitted to being an adult and I have to fucking take care of myself is i'm a big breakfast person like when i wake up i'm hungry and it's having a bowl of oatmeal in the morning i fucking hate it and i put raisins and almonds and you know when i have them any sort of fresh fruit at all in it to try to man cinnamon to try to mask the flavor and it fucking sucks and i down it every morning and i hate it so much but i do it because it is healthier than what i would have eaten in its place because that body isn't free yeah

three tablespoons of sugar will make oatmeal fucking good oh absolutely then you may as well not fucking eat oatmeal like at that point steve pause for a second. Three tables? I just picked a big number, but I'll tell you, and I only do this when I'm on a cruise ship, which has been like six years or something, but yeah, I've done that. A little cinnamon, a lot

of sugar, and oatmeal's outstanding. I get such a kick whenever I play Vegas, and they have, whether they feed you from the buffet or they feed you from like there's like a staff buffet like it's always all you can eat when you play Vegas and

they always have like the dessert stations and they'll have like the fucking ice cream machines and I'll take at the end of the meal I'll take like a donut or like a mini apple pie or something and just put it and then cover it fucking ice cream machines and i'll take uh at the end of the meal i'll take like a donut or like a mini apple pie or something and just put it and then cover it in ice cream and i'm just like this is my reward for all that fucking oatmeal this is what i get for oatmeal every day for five fucking years i get this like that's what makes it okay i like it i like it what were you saying taylor oh i was saying that i get such a kick out of how juvenile is the wrong word because it sounds insulting but it's not like that woody's

cravings are where what is you're just like it's it's wholesome i guess is the right word where you're like you don't want booze you don't want drugs you're like every once in a while, I'll spoil myself with a few more planters cashews. And then I'll eat expensive berries. Not the honey roasted ones. It's not Christmas. All right. Like you can't. No, no. You lighten up.

And those honey roasted ones are overrated as shit. They're too sweet. They're too sweet. Too sweet. Say it right. Right. Too good looking. You're getting a gas station nut.

What you want are the fiery fiery cayenne pepper dusted peanuts in those little pouches. Those are solid. Wow. The thing I miss most about living in New York is when I say this, I don't mean having nuts off the street like other parts of New York. I mean like the vectors, I mean like the Vecners, like the praline shit that just covered in sugar.

Yeah. Oh, it's so good. They're so good. They used to be like a dollar. I think they're two bucks now. Like you just throw down a couple bills. Yeah. It's one of those things where you'd be like,

this damn inflation, I used to be able to get diabetes for cheaper. Dude, I... Oh, yeah. Oh, that's funny. Yeah, I mean... It's just totally random, too. You don't know. You broke up,

so he's pretending he heard your joke. Oh. You dick, Kyle. It was my little fun way of letting you know. he's pretending he heard your joke oh you dick kyle it was my little fun way of letting you know but i don't think you responded to it so perfectly and in the right time that i had zero suspicion that you were responding to me you're an asshole sometimes i feel i feel sympathy for this though because the amount of time like the reason like most of the time when i'm on like when i'm on the show you know when the world was open and i was touring like i had to plan being on pka around when i was touring because the idea of doing this

kind of show the idea of going three to four hours expecting good hotel internet like that's the kind of thing where you write an email you put it in your outbox and you wait and hope it sends before you finish like that hotel internet sucks so much i'm amazed you're able to be these two weird little square like when when you guys air the episode can you just put like a like a picture of taylor smiling in that box or like what do you do? Am I looking bad here? Because right before we started, Chiz was like, hey, pretty much every hotel, you can go and pay for premium internet, and then that should be better.

And so right before we started, I went and I bought the daily premium thing. And so hopefully that makes it okay. No, it's good 95%. Maybe better. It's almost always perfect. It's just very rarely. You know how audio glitches, right? Most of the time it's me holding my mic incorrectly. If audio glitches for even a second, like, I want to say, I'm acting like it's me,

but humans find that less forgivable than, say, video glitching for just a second. Am I the only one who can't see his video yes oh you can't see my video hold let me uh let me turn it off and back on again and see no no i've had his video for ages oh yeah for mine he for mine he's just been those two little fucking discord boxes that just do this the whole time oh that sucks and then he's yeah that's been the whole that's been the whole time i assumed you shut off your video because your internet was so bad that you're like well maybe i'll just do the audio no i've done that before but yeah if woody and kyle can see me that means i'm being recorded can you see me at all now steve no no i'm just imagining your your happy face oh, thanks, man. My happy face.

No, Taylor, you've been fine 99% of the show. That's good. Yeah, as long as you guys have, it doesn't matter what the fuck it looks like on my end. Yeah, same segment. I have these stories that I saved. Real quick, before we jump into there, we're going to hear from a couple of awesome companies

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All right. Uh, Woody, before you do, uh, can I, can I show you all something that, uh,

someone gave me, I figure Kyle will like this cause it's kind of a weapon. Kind of. Oh, he loves weapons yeah so here oh goodness you got yourself a cutlass there right are you someone gave me it's a marine sword it's their uh it's their non-commissioned officer marine sword that's pretty cool yeah a fan a fan sent it to me um and yeah i posted about it i posted about on my facebook and it was like

a really sweet moment like he sent it to me and basically said that you know that he it was like a very complimentary letter and i posted it and i you know and most of the comments were like very very sweet and then a couple people emailed me and they were just like you gotta be careful that means he's gonna kill himself because he's giving away his things i was like you must be so fucking bored in this pandemic the idea it'd be like oh my god it's a mystery we have to solve this and help this man i was like this guy he's a sweet guy he's got like a wife and a kid we've emailed back and forth a couple of times like he's a nice dude that just wanted to give me a nice thing. And then there were all these people who were just like, oh my God, he must be killing himself.

How well trained are you with your blade? Do you know the ways of the blade? Watch, here's my training. Could you, per se, cut seven aquafinas? Is it sharp? This is all I can do. What? Is it sharp?

Let's find out. Cut yourself. Like, would that cut you, do you think? Oh, that's not sharp. No, I think it's been dull. It's ceremonial. The guy hasn't been a Marine since 2006. The guy hasn't been a Marine since 2006.

So it's, and it's more, the ceremonial sword is normally for like, it's like weddings, you know, or like cutting a cake or doing the whole, like go down anywhere, our thing, you know,

et cetera. But what's fun is, so one of the things I did with my studio is the door is like a secret bookcase. Now I've been, I've been home alone. Well, not now. What?

Not now. Yeah. Now it still is. Well, not now. What? Not now. It's not secretly. Yeah, now it still is. So, yeah. So, like, when the doors close, it just looks like there's a bookcase there. And the sword is hanging up right outside of it. And, like, it's right on the... My bedroom is, like, right down the hall. And so, if there's any intruder, I just get out.

I grab the sword, go in the secret bookcase, and then wait there for them to kill me. Yeah. And then they eventually for them to kill me. Yeah. And then they eventually find me and kill me. But meanwhile, I'll have a cool ornamental sword. I guarantee the intruders will never search the bookcase. Yeah. What if they're looking to read? Yeah.

You don't think that's possible, Kyle? You don't think someone bursts into a home and goes, do you think they have the Iliad already read that one what about the odyssey arguing about homer's epics yeah oh let's call him with the butt of a fucking high point and then I come out and try to stab them with a non-pointy sword. It works perfectly.

I'll be safe. Man, we got lucky, man. It's fucking lucky that guy came out with a dull-ass sword and had no idea how to use it. Lucky my dad made me take fencing otherwise i might have been in trouble immediately he was i wonder what snow's doing right now probably in prison 859 he ought to be out it seems like you should oh i see really he was getting out that soon he might he didn't

know uh my one of my friends from prison uh he had he had done many years and uh had an unknown amount of time left because of the way the federal prison system works like they could they could have given him like a lot of house arrest plus like um um halfway house and he could have gotten out like in january of this year i think or february something like that or they could have fucked him and he could not literally um but also probably not he's hard to fuck he'd be hard to fuck and you wouldn't enjoy it and uh but but he maybe this fall if it didn't happen uh early early uh earlier in the year i don't know i wonder what he's up to right now are you allowed to contact him no i don't think so no you guys talked about have you guys talked about how poor

the timing was for for kyle the idea that like if you had gotten arrested a year later whatever it was you'd be you never would have gone to maybe yeah home arrest now everybody who's not are releasing all kinds of people and so is that true or not i can't tell are they letting a lot of people out or just trump's friends no see see they're letting tons of people out i've heard about this in like cities all over the country where like a bunch of people get arrested and then they'll just let them out because of COVID or some other reason. I don't know if that's the federal prison system though. And I'm pretty glad I went to prison because that was a lot of fun stories. That was a lot of cool experiences.

I enjoyed your bits. Yeah. Yeah. I'm glad. Selfish Yeah, I'm glad. Selfishly, I'm glad you want it. You want to go back. No, I think next time I'd have to go for a lot longer. I'm almost done.

Yeah, but then more stories. No, I got plenty the first time. I'm all good. I'm all good. They get repetitive. You can't do the same bit all the time. No, no. Yeah, but Kyle, come on. if this thing's gonna go to seasons you're gonna need more i'll come up with something else all right i'll

brainstorm yeah um but but i don't kyle season eight is like season eight it's just it's just at the end it just makes no sense we were talking the other week about how the pka reddit was slowly moving my eyes further and further apart if you look at our banner now i look absolutely absurd it's just i look like like a sea creature what have they done i can't believe that anyone in that subreddit would photoshop a picture of a person to make them look worse i can't even imagine it's funny man this is a good joke i like it don't like post pictures of me and be like it like some they'll like at like non-profit agencies with a picture of me with my eyes photoshopped further apart and be like any love for this handicapped streamer and i'm like please stop guys please stop tagging these people.

Your eyes have moved so wide. We need to raise money for him to get internet on the road. The eyes are so wide. They had to widen your head. My face looks thinner. Yeah, do you remember Talon from that movie? Eyes Wide Apart? Yeah, Eyes Wide Apart. That's a good one.

Oh, man. That's funny. It's nice when good jokes go off on the internet by the way spelled b-l-e-w it just redirects to the real one good for them they got their domain game on point but it's not b-l-e-w b-l-u-e boys get a hard what about b-l-E-W. B-L-U-E, boys. What about B-L-O-O? Does that also redirect? Blue. How dumb can you spell blue? It still works. No, this one got caught by

I guess my ISP's DNS. Turned into a search. Yeah. Woody's computer shuts off I'm like oh I'm so sorry oh that's a very different kind of website boys I'm gonna tell you right now that's what I thought the

other blue tube was gonna be it was gonna be like bad oral sex or something like that like combination of blow and chewing no oh what about B L U E chewing blow is that just like a kid's book like a train no that's for uh you don't really have to check

that's for like an asian american running for office that's blue truffle congress not chu oh not chu okay never mind then yeah just no then i'm out of jokes on that one website placeholder it's not cool my sleep schedule's so fucked up man yeah i had to set an alarm for the show what i thought you were solid dude no he's inverted no wait don't you remember he? I thought you were solid, dude. No. He's inverted. No, don't you remember he played Rust again? I thought you were solid for a long time. I was solid for a long time. And then they said, tap, tap, tap. Kyle, do you want to play

Rust? And he's like, you know I do. You know I do. What time are you waking up now? Because what time are you waking up now, Kyle? Because very recently you were getting up early ass in the morning, going to bed reasonable hours. Was it rust once again?

Yeah. That was the mistress that led you away from it? Yeah. I mean, I'm on a schedule. I sleep eight hours a night. I do the same stuff every day. But I woke up today at 5.45 PM.

Yeah. You know, he sleeps from 12 to 8. It's a nice healthy sleep schedule. Just the wrong AM, PM. Yeah, it's the AM, PM. It's completely inverted. You can't say you sleep 8 hours a night when it's not at night. Oh, I sleep 8 hours a day.

You sleep 8 hours a morning yeah afternoon you know yeah i go to sleep in the in the early morn how is your squad doing on rest uh we play duos just midi and i okay but we've been on a four-day wipe cycle so we haven't played in a few days i think they actually wiped, so we'll probably get on tonight and start a new wipe. Get back into it. Russ, that's just a cover. It's because

the Japanese stock markets are open at different hours, and so he has to make sure he doesn't stunk. Yeah, that's it. I'm doing something productive. I'm not mining for ore all night yeah it's not it um i question for you guys because you guys are way more gamers than i am okay um when did games decide to put errands in as part

of the game like why is that like a fetch thing in like like i like i love like i love playing grand theft and i hate how often you have to just drive in traffic and i was like why why does this take seven minutes for me to get to this fucking thing for the quest and then like uh that happens red dead redemption also You have to run errands for your wife, right? Yeah, I'm playing Red Dead right now, and you're right. The trick is I ignore any quests that I don't like. And so I'll go to a dot, and some woman will be like, some criminal stole all my canned peaches.

I need some one. And I'll just be like, good day, and then just leave. That's what you need you can't because it always gives you an option to comfort or antagonize and antagonize is the funniest option ever given in a video game because like it'll just be like some woman there's a homeless woman who is like in the streets like i only have enough money for one more chicken pot pie i would love one more oh you like i thought that there was a chance that if you give this the right homeless person some kind of money that you might like get a wish granted like a genie or something or at least some real life i'm like piece of equipment

like they might be like oh then you could use my husband's old revolver uh something cool turns out no because i gave one bitch money this npc bitch and then it turned out later i was riding by she she's wearing a dress she's looking nice and so i got off my horse and i murdered her and i stole i stole my money back but then it turned out the police in that area were very upset with me it's a really fun game i like a girl or the dress shop no i killed her and then i for loot and i stole my money back and then i got like a silver ring and that was about it it really wasn't worth it i had to pay like a 400 fine which is a lot in red dead yes it's just because i murdered her but also it was only like a $16 fine

for murdering her. It was when I closed office and killed two dozen cops that the rate really went up. Oh man, Red Dead is fun, man. It's good. My character, I've said it before, I haven't let him shower the entire

time. And my chat will be like, dude, please let your character shower. He's disgusting. And he'll, like, walk into social situations. And they'll be like, Arthur, are you ready to get going here? And he's like, yeah, I'll go to the bar and get the distraction going. And then you walk up there and they're like, whew, smells like someone hasn't had a bath in a coon's age.

You're just there, stinky, sweaty, disgusting. Pretending to be a cowboy is great. It's a lot of fun. All those parts of it sound fun, but the idea of, like in Grand Theft, you can't not do the errand. You have to, in order to get to the place where the next thing is, you have to drive. Like if you don't have a,

even if you have a helicopter. Are you don't have a if you have a helicopter dta5 what gta5 you're talking about right now i thought you said pka5 and i'm like oh that was a gta yeah yeah gta5 yeah uh which is basically la which is part of why i find it fun like there was one where i decided to have a i had a standoff with cops on the roof of the comedy store that was kind of cool um that's it yeah it's a ton of fun i gta5 is i think the most fun i've ever had streaming a game because it is like the dialogue is genuinely funny and it gives you some little ways to play with it that i i really is that the one where you play as the black guy though you can play as a tre i think no, Trevor is the crazy redneck white guy. And then you got Michael, who's the sensible but still a little bit crazy guy.

And then you've got, I think it's Franklin, the black guy, who's the best at driving, who has that ability where you can hit both sticks if you're playing on controller and slow down your turn. So if you're racing, you want Franklin. If you're shooting, you want Franklin. If you're shooting, you want, uh, what is it? Tucker,

I guess that guy, because his, his ability is called like meth rage. Because then if you use his meth rage, suddenly he can aim and fire at a rate that nobody else can. And so that's what you want. I think Trevor is one of the, one of the most fun characters.

Oh, he's hilarious too. Yeah. He fun characters. Oh, he's hilarious. Yeah. He's, he's, he's absolutely awesome. But, but even with all of that shit,

you still have to, you have to fucking drive the whole time. Like I liked it, you know, like I didn't fast travel once in that entire, okay. I fast traveled maybe two or three times that entire game, because most of the time it was like,

why wouldn't I drive back to where I'm going from? Because there's always little side missions, little fun quests you can do. And so what if like two or three of the fun quest, fun quests are stupid and not fun. Like every once in a while you'll get one that's like, Hey, my name's fucking Chuck the meth head and I need Adam killed.

And it's like, yes, this is the kind of mission i'm doing i'm gonna go kill adam for you i don't care if you're giving me bootleg moonshine that's gonna make me blind i'm not gonna use the reward anyway i just want something to do like that's what i just i think i don't like it because i live in la and i'm like fuck i gotta take the 405 again like i had to do that earlier today playing this game today but the difference is when you get off the 405 and you're in a residential street in real life you can't hit the gas and mow over

dozens of people i mean you can't speak well fair enough i suppose but that was fun in the game to just fuck people up for no reason. And that was part of GTA. I hope they come out with GTA six soon, but I feel like those games only come out what every like eight years, nine years. The last one was so successful. You would think that they would make a new one,

you know, in two or three years, but it seems like they've made so much money off of the add ons. Yeah. Yeah. They're like, we can just milk this forever. What they've been doing is

they've just been expanding the world um and you know and just adding other things you can do and people have the game already and they're you know they're excited by it it's the like i play this uh i play this iphone game um or i guess it's probably an android too but it's called empires and puzzles and like it's you know it's one of these like a grind game and sounds fun you play you play yeah you play a little bit every day um but it's it's addicting because they keep adding like these little new things to it and so like it's really fucking addicting do you ever get in like give in and pay where they're like, Hey, your cathedral will be finished in three days unless you show out the four bucks and get it finished right now.

Have you ever given into the temptation? I've definitely spent money on that game. Absolutely. Um, and I have no problem with it because I play it every day and I've played it every day for, you know, over a year.

It keeps me sane because it's something like with comedy it is so difficult to do something and know what the result is going to be like you have to just put so much out there and just hope one of the things you do happens to work and what i love about that game is like if i do this this little thing will happen if i do that that little thing will happen you know the results of your actions it's like the one thing in my life i can control is this fucking iphone game and so like yeah i absolutely love this game and i have no problem putting money into it because it keeps me sane oh taylor did you um did you hear woody talking about what he was doing when he came back out of breath on uh on the last episode no what

what the hell was that about so he was gonna he was up yeah yeah yeah so he was gonna talk about steroids right and like like the the conspiracy theory that we were up yeah yeah yeah so he was gonna talk about steroids right and like like the the conspiracy theory that we were all on steroids and so he figured if he was gonna look like maybe he was on steroids he should get a pump so when he left the room he i think he had to like pick up a pizza from like the pizza delivery man like maybe pay that guy but then he cranked out 40 push-ups real quick and so when he came back he'd have a good pump going on but instead he just came back a little bit little bit red-faced and and out of breath with a different shirt on a different shirt on i guess he got a little sweaty maybe i don't know uh but yeah that's what was going on

that's what steroids do they make you red face They make you out of breath and make you change your shirt every time. It's better. No, the amount of response I've gotten on my I haven't been on social media that much. So maybe it's just me, like not checking Twitter as often. And so it seems like a lot more. But people have really resonated with the truth. I was spitting about Helen Keller last week. And I'm so proud of it.

Anyone out there, I'm calling into – I talked to Dick Masterson. He wants me to call into his show again this Sunday. This Sunday I'm calling into the Dick show. I don't know when it goes live, but he wants me to enlighten his audience as well about how much of a fraud Helen Keller is. I'm so afraid. I want to jump in here. So last night I'm streaming and when you were giving me the helen keller spiel i bought it hook line and sinker

i was 110 team taylor that this fucking woman is a fraud who had generations of americans generations of humans have been baffled by this woman who couldn't speak. I guess she could speak. She couldn't see and she couldn't hear. And then I watched videos. Taylor, she is much more capable than you said she was. I watched, and I'm listening to her talk, and then she has the other person.

I'm like, that's the same thing. I heard her talking. Hey, Woody. Woody, why did all of her speeches public engagements in books cease as soon as ann sullivan died well why why wouldn't she continue to speak her truth to everyone who who wanted to know it as soon as her teacher falling for the lies and her abilities disappear that's fucking weird i'm listening to her talk and then i listen to ann sullivan and it's like oh my god that's what she said so on my live stream i'm like guys taylor

said she signed into her palm right you could actually hear her say all these words and i'm trying to show my stream what helen keller's capabilities really were they fucking donation bombed me whenever you donate like 15 seconds of shucks, you plays and you, you couldn't hear a goddamn thing on the video because they were like, just bombarding like $3 at a time. We're not interested. Lads were not interested in this nonsense propaganda of some of Ann Sullivan

training Helen Keller to say certain things. And then first of all, the first book she ever wrote when she was 11 turned out to be a complete fabrication that was plagiarized from someone who wrote it a couple decades prior. That's how I wrote when I was 11. Now, when you were 11, no, it was Ann Sullivan writing through this savant. And then Ann Sullivan realized, oh, you know, nobody's going to buy this.

I should wait a few more years. And then she writes all of her books gets everything published through helen keller and then it's crazy it's almost like as soon as she died helen keller no longer had any takes about anything ever it's just i'm unfamiliar so if i'm understanding the context helen helen keller's teacher was named Ann Sullivan. Teacher of what? Oh, shit. Ann Sullivan was the one who taught her how to sign and communicate. And what really happened is that Helen Keller's parents were rich.

They didn't want to admit that. I'm giving the abridged version. Helen Keller's parents were rich, very privileged, did not want to admit that they had a daughter who was retarded. And so they basically got a teacher and they picked different teachers. This is something else I didn't even bring up. They went through different teachers and so many teachers were like,

yeah, there's no fucking way, dude. And then Ann Sullivan shows up and they're paying her a handsy sum and she's like, oh, well, it turns out your daughter, she's not only not blind deaf she's got a lot of political opinions she's got a lot of astute and well-researched opinions that she couldn't possibly know and then immediately or very soon after she begins espousing the same beliefs as ann sullivan and like i said when Ann Sullivan died, all these beliefs, all these speeches,

all these books dried up. And so I put it to you that she was retarded. Why would you say she had no access to that? You're saying Helen Keller couldn't Google this stuff like anybody else? Yeah, Taylor. No. If you put Google in front of her,

she wouldn't know what to do. Taylor, tell him what the title to your little uh spiel was oh uh helen keller's secret retard my favorite part that's my favorite part i actually got a couple copies of it printed out at home very very you do He had some out at work. I bet that manifesto's getting thicker by the day over there. God knows what's in there.

That's what I do. My manifesto is 100% about Alan Kelly. And also this bitch said this and it's made up and it's like, why did he do this? Kyle, it seems thicker because of all the braille it raises. It makes the pages twice as thick. That's true. Yeah, it looks sicker than it is because of all the braille. It makes the pages twice as thick.

That's true. Yeah, it looks like a big book. Not really. It's just got bumps all over it. Yeah, I guess I'm on board. I wasn't beforehand, but I'm pretty sure you could. They totally shut me down when I was trying to show the Helen Keller video and demonstrate her capabilities

and boys don't you stop do not allow propaganda to be spoken without her response what are you saying your cape her capabilities you're saying that she was more able than she let on or no no more able than taylor let on so like when taylor said you know this thing's a big scam what helen keller would do is sign into ann sullivan's palm and then ann sullivan would tell you what she just said and i'm like that does sound wildly suspicious right like you know would we speak in the secret palm sign language code and i'd use that's that's bullshit so then i went to youtube and started watching some helen keller videos and she's just talking.

She's saying things. And you know, that's actually Helen Keller and not a side. Touche. Yeah, I guess you got me there. She's talking the same way a parrot does. The same way a parrot talks is the way she talks.

Like where there's others. What do you mean? No, like Helen Keller is mimicking sounds that she's heard in the past. There's even a thing there where Helen's got her hands on the mouth of Anne Sullivan. And Anne Sullivan's like, and when I go mmm, and Helen Keller

goes mmm. And when I go pa-pa-pa, and Helen goes Wait a goddamn minute. I'm watching her talk right now. She speaks very well. These are post-production effects.

This is black and white. Give a link. I want to see it. This is black and white. I'm going to try to save it for you. I will not abide any discussion that she is not a retard. That's why Kyle's going through the same steps. I am. All right.

Made it black and white. So it's believable. That's the, that's the key. That's how they get you. Oh, you're watching Helen Keller speaks out. All right.

All right. Cue up. Propaganda film. i'm at 206 let me just poison the well here heavily edited clearly there's some adobe work in here tell me when you're 206 i am okay hold on a second okay okay yeah i'm ready i don't have the chat up. You know what? Just do it without me. Ready, set, play.

Bullshit. Bullshit. if I had acquired normal speech. Well, I would have had this horrible experience. Incredible. No, lies. It's fucking incredible.

I'm inspired. I literally am inspired. Because, like, just so we're all on the same page. I know Stephen is watching, so let me describe. This woman who cannot see or hear and has been like that since she was like 14 months old or some shit. Has learned to speak by touching the lips of her teacher while she says a word and then signing that word into her hand so she knows what word is being said. Where's the rest of them based on

that she is having a full fucking conversation and saying that one of her life's greatest regrets is that she can't speak normally and she's speaking well enough that i can understand like 90 of it it's like someone with a very strong accent if you've ever heard a deaf person speak how there's a really kind of like odd tone to it. But she's moving her lips based on memory of touching someone's lips. And she's having a legitimate conversation and speaking eloquently. Why did she never speak after Ann Sullivan died? Wait, wait, new theory. New theory.

Helen Keller was completely able the entire time. Oh! It was faked in order to show the improvement. Helen Keller? Secret fake. Okay.

I even said on the show there were three options, only one of which is impossible one option she is a retard and she's being manipulated like a parent second option she is faking deaf dumb and blind third option she's the first deaf dumb blind woman to be able to make astute political observations about things she's never seen deaf dumb blind woman to be able to make astute political observations about things she's never seen how only one of those is totally impossible how good was she at pinball that'll tell us probably not good i don't think they had that yet uh i know this one i'm with you thank you taylor's gone i found a youtube video

meet the deaf blind lawyer fighting for people. I'm not sure she's the only deaf-blind person to communicate. Here's a 17-minute video of various deaf-blind people communicating. And you know what? A lot of that... And it looks like it was made in 1970, so I'm pretty sure there's been a lot more

deaf-blind people who communicate since. You know what? I know exactly the deaf-blind study you're citing because I looked into this when I was talking about Helen Keller. And a lot of what you're about to look at there are people who communicate sense? You know what? I know exactly the deafblind study you're citing because I looked into this when I was talking about Helen Keller. And a lot of what you're about to look at there are people who went deaf at 14 and blind at 17 because of scarring fever. And so obviously they have the requisite

skill set in order to engage in conversation if they need to. If that's true, why are they signing into each other's hands? How long is that video? 17 minutes. I'm saying nobody who's 19 months old. We've got to get off Alan Keller. Taylor's like, this is really upsetting for me.

I can't hear it. It's time to switch subjects. No, the truth does not come out. The truth is found last episode, my friends. Taylor will sometimes just define a truth. No one has ever done this before and ever done this since if you don't think that that you're full moving on it's just like what what that needs to be fact checked nope okay yeah never mind fact checks your bed when you denied the holocaust i was a little

off put but now this helen keller stuff i can't. That was your conspiracy theory. That was Taylor. Oh, okay. That was me. I've been doing retarded ones the whole time. The Denver airport one, that was a solid one. I walked around the Denver airport a little bit

when I got here. The murals in that place, it's fucking weird. It is weird. Did you see the horse? There's no way to deny it. It is weird. Did you see the horse? There's no way to deny it. It is weird. Did you see the statue outside?

Yeah, I saw Lucifer, the big horse, like with the red glowing eyes. The Denver airport is fucking weird. There's an odd aesthetic. Fucking gargoyles at baggage claim. What the fuck is up with that? What's the – wait, wait, wait. You're asking that everyone in the city is high you're wondering why the airport looks weird yeah because the airport was built decades ago way before they were all

chill with pot yeah well way before it was legalized but it's not like it's not like they legalized pot in denver and suddenly people were like i've heard a lot about this can we give it a try like it's it has been like the home of of mushrooms forever hey where are mushrooms i talked to uh that's funny you say that because just just two days ago i was talking to my cousin obviously lives here and i was like dude we want to find like a really cool like semi-difficult hiking trail to take and my cousin was like oh dude i know a guy who knows the best areas in colorado springs and this motherfucker took us like a guided tour through the most difficult hike i've ever done and it turns out that he's he shows up with his dog and in a tie-dye shirt and he in the whole time he's talking about how he's major like mycology like mushroom studies and so every time he sees a mushroom he's like going over

to the side being like oh dude we could like fry this up or like oh here's one of the ones that we could like cut up and like trip on it was like i kind of wanted someone to just tell me where to go just tell me where to go more than the whole like drug lecture oh same way a bunch of shrooms man damn you have to bro it's like yeah but but do we go left or right here okay well now in la because you could just you could just get pot delivered to you it's you know it's the same as like ordering a pizza and it's fucking the idea of like what's gone is having to talk to some guy trying to sell you pot for an hour like what's gone from that is like where you have to discuss like what the real meaning of this album is you know what's gone from that also is is having to pretend that you're friends with your drug dealer it's like oh man yeah i guess i'd love to watch an episode of something with you

man hey you want to smoke some of your stuff together no no it was always the worst i want the worst that one guy i'd go to his house and we'd be down in his basement where he had all of his plants. All these degenerates would be hanging around to get free weed, pretending like they're his friends. I just want to buy and leave. They're just all such losers. They're just the worst kinds of people.

That's where I had that conversation. We're out back smoking a cigarette. Someone brought up meth, methamphetamine like randomly and i was like meth not even once am i right and they went well i've tried it a few times and the other and i was like fuck and the other guy goes yeah i like to get a little crispy every now and then. And I was just like, well, it's my cue to fucking run away. You need to speed up, Kyle. I'm more into it. You need to hit your drug dealer and be like, I need one ounce. Alaskan Purple Dragon Slayer.

Faster is better. You would expect that to be a thing. You can't do it that same way. Treat him like a barber. Go ahead, Kyle. Sorry. He would be like, I tell him go ahead kyle sorry he would be like you know i tell him what i wanted and he'd be like all right let me go bag it up and it'd take

him like 20 minutes while he had a whole conversation with me telling me stories depressing stories he never had bags he always had to like make these bootleg bags out of like plastic wrap and a soldering gun. I'm not even kidding. Did he ever, did he ever use the cellophane off of a cigarette container and then solder that? I would buy in such quantities that that wouldn't, that wouldn't work. But I have purchased weed where it was in the cellophane of a cigarette,

like the selfie that comes off of a packet of cigarettes. And then they put it in their roll up and then melt the topophane of a cigarette like the cellophane that comes off a packet of cigarettes and then they put it in their roll up and then melt the top and it's just like this is some ghetto shit boys they just they just give it to him in like a kroger shopping bag yeah i you know i i buy i buy at least an ounce at a time like like if i'm if i remember there i was in a i was in a college drought of needing it or wanting some pot. I was like a sophomore in college, and it was like, who am I going to go to? And it was like, hey, this guy, he kind of is weird, but he'll do. I was like, all right.

So I went over there, and I was going to buy some, and this happened like twice. And this guy would like pillory you with offers of playing street fighter the entire time you were just trying to buy drugs and go home and so i would have to play him in street fighter in two or three fights and get absolutely manhandled by him because i didn't know the buttons i didn't know how to play street fighter but every time you go over there you sit down and before he goes to grab the goods he wants to fucking play street fighter and so you play a couple games of street fighter with him you get railroaded and you just have to be like all right man well uh can i just have the weed now like anti-drug commercials fuck this whole like oh and then

you play with your gun accidentally shoot yourself oh your dog talks they should have been like look at the fucking degenerate you're gonna have to talk to for the next two hours yeah like if you buy drugs you're gonna have to go to this guy's house like that's the best anti-drug commercial you could possibly that is a real good one it's like it would just be a photo of a guy of a white guy with dreadlocks and a tie-dye shirt and black sweatpants on. It would be, do you want to talk to him for two hours? They were the most depressing parts of my week when I would go see this guy. And he was like a friend of a friend of a friend. He was so far disconnected from like my little social group

he was just such all right usually when you call somebody a loser what you mean is like they're bad at life and they like like like through their own through things they've done to themselves is it this guy had loserdom thrust upon him though, like through a series of unfortunate events. He was I've told the story before, but like there was this one like nine month to 12 month period where he kept being seriously injured and mangled. Like like while just trying to work a job and provide for a family. That's what had driven him to selling marijuana and driving a long a long haul truck was he just kept getting injured severely through no real fault of his own. Like he was in this construction job.

He worked at KFC. He worked construction. And they were putting like a tin roof on a house. And he was on top. And there was a guy on the bottom pushing this big sheet of tin toward him. The guy on the bottom was all fucked up on meth and like got too aggressive. And the guy is holding a sheet of tin toward him. The guy on the bottom was all fucked up on meth and got too aggressive. The guy is holding a sheet of tin at the top and the guy at the bottom

shoves it so hard that he cuts a bunch of the tendons in my boy's hand and cripples his hand. They've got to go in and reattach tendons. Now he can't use his right hand for months as a construction worker. He doesn't get like a million

dollars for that? No. No, if you look up how much people like that get from the government on injuries, it's depressing. It's like, oh, you lose an eye? Yeah, we'll throw you 50k. But what about after?

I feel like Steve is like, what? No, you hire an attorney. You don't get it from the government you get it from the company you know this is like billy bob's construction company like all the tv attorneys salivate over cases like that well like no no uh so so now he's got a crippled right hand that's gonna take months to recover well he's like hey i'm pretty good with my left. Let's keep fucking working. I'm a man I provide for my family. So they're like, he's at a different construction job in like a sub basement where they're hammering rebar into like mostly dry concrete. Like it's, it's wet enough that you can hammer rebar into it,

but it's dry enough that that's still an effort and i don't know if the a chip of steel came off the hammer or the rebar but hammers are this like really tempered steel and when a chip comes off of a hammer it has this shocking amount of velocity to it because it wasn't they're not supposed to chip so if they have chipped it's it's deceptively extreme in nature and so a chip of of hardened steel comes off this hammer and hits him in the chest a small piece like really small and uh and he's like oh that hurt and uh his buddy goes what and looks over at him he goes he's like dude what happened he's like what do you mean he's like have you been shot and he looks down and his chest is covered in blood and it's running down his leg now because this thing has

gone so deeply into his chest that the er thinks it's a gunshot wound and they think he's lying about a gunshot wound to get out of some sort of trouble they're like you can tell us if this is gang related or something like like you can say us if this is gang related or something. Like, you can say it was an accident. We just need to know what kind of firearm it was. And he's like, I was swinging a hammer at work. And they're like, sure you were. So finally, I don't even think they got the chip out.

I don't think they could get it out. So they just patch him back up. And so now he's got this chip of steel in a not so healthy spot inside his chest now. He's like, well, my troubles have to be behind me. You know, I need something. I need a recreational vehicle. I'd love to just have some fun in my spare time while I'm on workman's compensation. I'd like to get a four-wheeler, an ATV.

So he goes to this guy's house to buy a used ATV on the, you know, on the cheap. And, uh, he's in the guy's backyard. The sun's going down, it's getting pretty dark. And he's got, he's got one hand is his bad hand, uh, operating the throttle and his left hand. He sort of got like swaying by his side, hanging loosely. Unbeknownst to him, someone has taken the cover off of the chain of the ATV. And it's a manual. So the chain is spinning back there until you hit the clutch and put her in gear. So it's just spinning.

His hand goes into the chain and gets drug into the sprocket. It cuts off one finger. It cuts the tip off another and it mangles the third. So now his left hand is crippled. His right hand is crippled and his chest is all bandaged up. And he's like, you know what? I'm going to sell some weed. I'm just going to sell some weed.

Can't nobody hurt me if I'm in my basement watering my weed plants. Well, he'd grow it. He grew it. How's he even pulling the trigger on the spritzer? I'll get the electric spritzer. The electric spritzer. Nothing bad can happen to me as long as I'm here. I'll drive my big rig. I'll provide for my wife

and child. So I've been going to him for a few months now and I feel awful for him. So I always buy it by a little extra, like, like I pay him well. Like he's, he's like, ah, yeah, it's two 90 for an ounce. And I'm like, here's 300. You know, I'm, I'm the good guy. Here's your extra $10 tip or whatever. But, and you know, I'll try to have, I had these long, awful conversations with him about how awful his life is. And he's always giving me discounts on stuff and asking my advice on various aspects of his life. Well, one time he wasn't there, but his wife was. And I went to the door and I'm like, hey, Bill told me to come by. He said I could get some.

And I'm not sure how in the know she is about his whole weed industry. So I can get a little pot from him, you know. And she's like, how much you want? And I'm like, ounce and a half. Call it $3.75. Let's do $400. She's like, whatever, whatever. She comes back, big, big ass bag of weed so i already

knew that she was kind of a shitty person she just seemed a little rude or maybe she was annoyed didn't want to be a pot salesman i can understand that for sure too but i'm a nice guy i'm not showing up all weird i find out she's been cheating on him the whole time while he's gone and is in his fucking big rig the reason she doesn't she was annoyed with me is because she had a dude showing up pretty soon and she needed me she needed all the witnesses out of there because his his weed sales were cramping her style because she's only got so much time because she's got to send her kid to her parents house she's got to arrange this boyfriend to come over while her husband is away and hide the boyfriend from his weed clientele

friends in quotation marks and uh they used to have a better marriage but her big thing was getting fingered and it was the most depressing shit ever he lost the house he lost her she took his fingers he lost the he lost the truck everything lost the truck he lost it all he was making payments on it you know like most of those guys are they don't own those trucks outright they're oh losing the truck is a big deal like it's uh it's their job it's their house it's their dude he took the cab off of it and lived in it by the end. I was the ultimate cucking. I was on the road with a comic who was like super into pot. And he flew in for the gig.

And so he had to find some. And it's pretty easy at a show. You just talk about it on stage. Then people come up to you afterward. And so that's what he did. And then, you know, we had adjoining rooms at the hotel. And he gets back. It's like two in the morning.

And he'll come back and I'm like, where the fuck were you? He's like, you know, I just one of these folks house and got some pot. I was like, it was three hours ago. He's like, yeah, yeah yeah it turned out they wanted to uh they want to talk and it was just like this like 60 year old couple who just wanted to talk to him about comedy and like he couldn't get out of there and i was like this is the most scared straight program i've ever heard yeah the idea that you might end up in some rent like it's not even about going oh you had to go to a

dangerous neighborhood to get your drugs like no you had to go to some suburban people and just listen to them for three fucking hours like that's even if free pot i imagine sucks right like here's a scenario i'm inventing in my head oh steve talks about pot on stage steve likes pot steve you want to hang out with me and my three buddies we're gonna smoke up you probably think oh that sounds fun then me and my three buddies who have no personality to offer to this situation say steve private performance please be funny you're now you're on stage again earn your tokes yeah it's funny you mentioned that what happens there was a guy in your chat last night i uh i tuned in for like a few minutes and watched live when you were talking to wings when you it was when you just had started talking to him and no i actually saw this uh

watching the video after the fact somebody was like i guess you brought up weed or something or i noticed it was a notepad on your desktop that said something about weed. They give me donations so that I don't forget to respond to them. They'll easily ask questions. I take notes and come back to them. But I just remember somebody was like, yeah, come to Colorado, Woody. I'll smoke you out. And I'm thinking, like, do they not know this man? Would this man really travel to another state and hang out with a stranger to save $10?

Like, what, he's cheap? But he's not insane. That exact thing is like, look, okay, like that sword is a gorgeous gift. And I very much appreciate that. But I can't tell you how many times someone has messaged me been like hey if you're ever passing through city you probably will never go to man you can stay on my couch and i'm like how no no i am look first year i was on the road absolutely 18 years ago that was for sure what i did because i had to but the idea that like as an, I'm still looking to fucking couch surf,

or even the idea of like, oh man, come over, I'll cook you dinner. And I'm like, I'd rather just pay for a meal because half the time, it's going to be a lovely conversation from a wonderful person, but I'm not willing to roll that dice. I am not willing for the other half the time.

And look, one of my favorite memories on the road. Welcome to my house. Would you like to see my mod collection? Was a I was I suck me. It was my second year on the road

and it was a shit gig in Florida and this old couple comes over and just says, hey, you guys probably don't get to eat many home-cooked meals on the road. We'd be happy to have you over for dinner. And we were torn about it, but we're like, you know what? We were broke and we're like, yeah. So we went over.

And because I talked about being a baseball fan on stage, they had like the local high school baseball coach. They invited him over. He had like coached some future major leaguers. Yeah, this was a guy who had a couple of previous people he coached some future major leaguers. Yeah. This was a guy who like, who had a couple of, a couple of previous people he coached make the majors. And like, it was a lovely conversation. I had, wow.

So you want to talk to him? Yeah. It was wonderful. And what I'm saying is. It sounds like you did, but I'm shocked. The odds of that are so fucking low. Like the, like when someone wants you to come over, it is mainly,

fucking low like the like when someone wants you to come over it is mainly they just want to be near someone who has people watching them and and then they want you to entertain them in person the way or they want to be like you know secret best friends or whatever it is like it's just i'm not willing to roll that dice i'm i get that you know what I get it in the form of? Like, hey, Woody, I'm watching your videos. You seem really cool. Let's have a beer. And it's like, all right, a couple things here. One, I'm rolling the dice on hanging out with a stranger, which I don't really need to do.

Two, I have to drink beer the whole time? Like, this just fucking sounds awful to me. You don't know me at all if you think that's a good time. Clearly you don't know me. Yeah, right. I get that from people being like, i'm such a huge fan i'd love to buy a beer i'm like i've been sober for 16 years and i talk about it a lot how big of a fan are you that you want to buy me a beer yeah if you think i enjoy drinking with woody like if a fan really wanted to get together with woody i feel like the right move would be like, hey, let's get together, Cold Stone Creamery

on me, and then we're going to the fucking trail mix section of whatever store we're near, and you buy whatever you want. You want the one with the M&M's? You want the one with the raisins? They're all yours, motherfucker. That's the way you get Woody.

I want him to be giving you Cold Stone Creamery and a bunch of nuts and treats i'm gonna pull the handle on the trail mix machine you hold the bag and you tell me when to let go and i'll let go two seconds after that like he does it like like behind him like it's a romantic comedy where he's holding his arm on his arms around Woody holding it. He whispers in his ear, I'm not a cashew. Woody's the guy at the cashew stand with a hefty flex bag attached to it.

It's just... She can't take the more, Captain. She can't do it. I'm going to take a few more cashews. Offering to buy Woody a beer is like someone saying to me like hey let's hang out i'll take you to sunday mass yeah it's like someone going to me hey you want you want a salad no like any salads like even the ones that have like tons of chicken in it and stuff

oh no i was more just joking like i eat salads with tons of chicken or salmon i didn't realize i learned like post 40 that some salads are actually good meals i thought salads were just lettuce and tomatoes and the other things it all depends if they pile a bunch of meat onto a salad it's not a bad meal yeah not bad at all yeah dude first day first day I tried to eat healthy, I was in the middle of, I was in the middle of nowhere, Delhi, New York, and trying to, trying to go to a gig. And I went to this, I went to this restaurant and I asked for,

I was like, let me get a salad. And I wasn't happy about it to begin with. I was like, let me get a salad. And it was like some, you know, chicken salad or whatever. And I had to ask them, I was like, grilled chicken, please. No bacon. And I was like, do you have any, I was like, what kind of dressings do you have? They're like, well, we have ranch.

I'm like, do you have any like, you know, olive oil and vinegar or anything? They're like, well, we have light ranch. Light buttermilk. Perfect. It was me asking them for no dressing, I may as well have been like, where can I try on my prom dress? The reaction they gave me.

They couldn't give you, hey, do you have the ingredients, vinegar and oil back there? Just do that. Just do that. Well, that sounds absolutely ridiculous. You don't want double thick ranch? that. Just do that. Well, that sounds absolutely ridiculous. Yeah.

You don't want double thick ranch? There's chunks in it. I don't like bacon ranch at all. We have non-bacon ranch. We have sausage bacon ranch. Sausage bacon ranch. Now, I'm trying to eat healthy tonight. I'm'm gonna get a salad with a double

bacon ranch on it and then triple the bake and then i'll stay reason the reason i i started eating healthy in the first place was i got a i got a false positive um for being pre-diabetic like basically borderline diabetic and it was, I had a blood sugar spike that day. And when I took, when I, I was getting life insurance. When I took the test again, it was like, oh yeah, it was just a blood sugar spike. You're fine. But for two weeks, I was worried that I was pre-diabetic and I was like examining every choice I had or whatever.

So I went to this, so we were there for, you know, day and a half or whatever. And then I went to a grocery store and i was curious this is actually where i was like looking at all the cereals and found the all the fucking healthy cereals had more sugar and uh and so i i was talking to the clerk she gave me a weird look because i put like i put a bunch of grapes down i think i bought like i bought like grapes i forget whatever else it was it was just like fresh fruit and she gave me like a weird look else it was. It was just like fresh fruit. And she gave me like a weird look. And I was like, I'm just trying to eat a little healthy.

She goes, yeah, yeah, you know, that's good. You know, like sometimes when I want to eat healthy, you know, like I might do like a diet Coke and a diet Slim Fast. And I'm just like, oh, my God, everybody here is going to die. Like everyone here. She's trying to be healthy. Exactly. I get those diet cigarettes, you know. I try to be healthy. Yeah, I try and get the light ones. I hear there's fewer calories in the marlboro light than a full and i also want to be like three hours from new york city how do you have a southern

accent where the fuck are you pennsylvania the light cigarettes are better for you are they i mean yeah they taught us in school that people who use the light cigarettes use more does that sound does that tie into your life experience no no like but it's more of a comparison my understanding kyle probably knows more is that like a light cigarette is like low sodium bacon where it's like you're still not consuming something that's good for you you're just consuming a this much much better version for you. Well, as we all know, sodium is not bad for you anyway. You know what I mean?

Science. Neither's fat. But the light cigarettes have both less nicotine and I think less of like the tar and the stuff that you actually don't want because we've gone gone through this before, but nicotine is not bad for you. It's the other shit in there. Actually, why I put the light cigarettes on salad. Nicotine is totally bad for you, but carry on. I don't know.

I don't believe that. Nicotine is bad for you insofar as it's addictive and the usual way to deliver that chemical to you. Being a vasoconstrictor isn't necessarily bad you know yeah it could actually be it could actually be underlying heart problems which is another side effect of cigarettes so yeah that that can be bad but for the most part it seems like they're you know i mean anything moderation is not bad for you the trick is how much of it becomes moderation like sodium you could have a good you could have a decent amount without it being bad for you if you have way too much it becomes bad for you glass hardly any yeah that's absolutely true i mean but you know, caffeine is addictive as well.

I've just been ramping up my sodium intake my entire life, so I built a tolerance. That's how that works. Yes. And sugar, too. That's why I'm not diabetic. Just have more and more. Perfect point.

I always tried doing a joke for like a year. I kept trying to make this joke work about type 2 diabetes is the only disease that you have that you can just, once you have it, you can just decide not to have it anymore. Yeah. There are other diseases that there are cures for diabetes. Type two, obviously type one is terrible, but type two is the type where you get it. You can just be like,

nah, and just change your lifestyle and not have it anymore. And there are still people who are just like, all right, so how do I, uh, just take the medicine then and just keep on this every day or can you really type two absolutely yeah like all the time i thought once you i'm

sorry taylor i thought once you got diabetes you kind of had it and it's like oh fuck you broke that seal and now it's broken no not at all you can can fix it. It's not like you are. No, no. What he is, you are right in a way. There is a level of type 2 that once you break that upper seal, you can't go back. But I think what Steve's saying is like more commonly, there's a level of type 2 where they're like, oh, my God, like you're eating so much sugar, you're so overweight. Either you lose weight and you eat better or this is your new life.

Yeah. I know my grandmother grandmother reversed her diabetes. Yeah, that's common if you catch it early and you start acting immediately. You really got to ask yourself, how much do I like my foot? Yeah. How important is this to me? Almost as much as sugar. Yeah.

Well, I know I hate walking and that's all I use it for. I'm a big fan of Jaeger. That's actually where the nickname Sugarfoot comes from. It's originally. Sugarfoots. Good ass barbecue place. I don't know if that's everywhere. Yeah.

Peggy Sugarfoots. It's delicious. Peggy Sugarfoots. Yeah. It's a great restaurant. It's so weird that there are people, and I understand like that part of the joke I tried to do was, because I would talk about it and immediately you get in trouble because you're you know oh you know you're mocking

you're mocking fat people and how dare you and i one of the points i tried to make with it was that everyone has their shit and your shit is no more important than anybody else's so like if if your shit is that you come from a background where you're undereducated, you're poor, you didn't have the money to eat healthy, I get why you got there. But you now know that you can get out of it and you're choosing not to. Like that was the point. And I was trying to use humor to make the point, but it was the point that was pissing people off. It wasn't even the jokes. the point and i was trying to use humor to make the point but it was the point that was pissing people off it wasn't even the jokes is there anyone in america that's like getting a whopper

and blown away that it's bad for them at this point though it's a lot of protein everybody knows you get it you get it without it's really not that much protein look at the i know look at the ratio the calories to protein ratio horrific irific! I do like a good Whopper, though. Eat a swimsuit and a gym if you want a better ratio than that. Supersize Me first came out. I understand that we didn't know a lot of that shit. It became so common. Such common knowledge, and we're okay with it. The bit that did work that I would do was about how we changed so much because of 9-11,

and yet 3,000 people died in 9-11, 600,000 people are killed by heart disease, and we'll go through airport security, and as soon as we give up all those freedoms going through airport security, we'll take a left and go into McDonald's. We don't give a fuck if we live or die. We just don't want to die randomly.

Yeah, well, that's fair enough. If they were flying heart disease planes into McDonald's around the country, you would see a plummeting of sales. They didn't take the towers down with cholesterol, alright? I'm going to take my chances. Their HDL is too high.

I haven't had a Whopper in so fucking long. I want one right now. Not me. I know Woody hates them. You get a fixed tower seven with a bypass burger king has like an aftertaste or like a coating or something you like this some people that's why that's the best part i love the the the the the the taste whatever that is it's that they flame broil those things i know that that's probably it yeah like the burger king burgers taste different than any other burger they They've got this smoky kind of taste.

I love that. It's my favorite part. They're better than other burgers. Of the fast food burgers, Burger King is one of my favorite ones. Let's do a round table on that. Steve and Taylor, what's your burger, fast food burger? You can't choose five guys that's cheating. No, you're right.

There's no drive-thru. If there's no drive-thru, you can't choose it. There has to be a drive-thru. Okay, no drive-thru, there's no drive-thru you can't choose it there has to be a drive-thru then in and out okay honestly the one i like the most and they're closing up all over the place are steak and shake like i love a good steak and shake burger especially i usually get a frisco melt just a couple of fucking hard pressed right on that flat grill top and then they douse it in thousand island they got a bunch of cheese slices in there oh it's so good i fucking love that taylor

that is the highest calorie food item on the menu at steak and shake look at my body three of those motherfuckers on a whim the bun you if you take if you took the bun of the Frisco melt from Steak and Shake. Oh, there's so much butter. There's so much butter. You could bring it out. It's juicy. And that Thousand Island cheese sauce that they put on there is incredible.

But even when you're driving up to a restaurant me anyway if i i pull up to a restaurant called steak and shake which is referring to their 80 fucking milkshakes that they make oh yeah and i look at that and i'm just like i'm just gonna get the hot dog i have a dumb question is steak and shake at all related to cookout? No. Because they seem the same. No, they're not the same. Yeah, different. I thought Steak and Shake was all over the South. Do you not have Steak and Shake? Yeah.

We have Cookout here. So I don't know Steak and Shake. I can't say it's better. But Cookout sounds the same to me. They also have, I don't know, 30, 80 milkshakes. They have an entire board just for the milkshakes and shit. It's next level. Early on when I was on the road and I was still like,

I still gave a shit about like kosher somewhat, so I wouldn't mix meat and milk. My friends used to call that steak or shake. So you can't have cheeseburgers in that world, huh? Well, in that world, yeah. Now I don't give a fuck. I mean, I also grew up. He threw away that sheet with the hole in it and now he's eating cheese you can't eat cheese in the same sandwich this is america we need to make kosher eating illegal

or at least make them change that rule that's absurd you can't here's the dumbest thing about that rule by the way that's not american so the dumbest thing about that rule, by the way. That's not American. So the dumbest thing about that rule, the reason for that rule, every law that has to do with being kosher comes from being either healthy or being humane. The idea of not mixing meat and milk had to do with the fact that people were eating off their own farm often. And the translation of it is you don't risk stewing a calf in the milk of its mother. That was the premise of it. Yeah, that's dumb. Yeah, but it's even dumber because then because people were dumb enough to not understand, they then outlawed can't have cheese and chicken.

It's like, but that that's not about it. That doesn't come from there but then you can have chicken and eggs it's like but that's the same exact fucking thing and like once i was old enough to like realize understand that i was like oh fuck this this is so wait i'm processing this are you sure you can't milk a chicken ruining my palate can you not milk a chicken i've milked a chicken right kyle's milk chickens before chicken milk is a thing probably it's the best milk it's like ramen milk but it's a little salty are you sure you didn't jerk off a chicken um first of all you cannot milk a chicken they are birds i've learned from uh the fuckers that wait but kyle

why can't you jerk a rooster off because they don't have penis because it doesn't have a penis because it doesn't fuck Wait, but Kyle, why can't you jerk a rooster off? Because they don't have penis. Because it doesn't have a penis because it doesn't fuck. It's true. I remember this. I think we talked about this once. Taylor Swift.

That was a nice victory for me. It was only a victory for you because of like, usually when people say dumb luck, they mean it's hyperbole. This is literal dumb luck. It's a dumb thing you said and you lucked into it being somehow factually correct. No, shut up, bitch. I was right.

You're like, oh yeah, I knew about the cloacal kiss the whole time. i'm a real big and they don't work in that field it's terrifying knowledge what is a cloacal kiss again? Cloacal kiss is a little fucked up like combined pussy asshole. They've got these two little genital mouths that do and stuff like that and so the rooster

plugs his cloaca right up against hers and then he just fires out some sperm. Sounds a little like sex. Cloacal kiss starring Sandra Bullock. Not according to the letter of the law though. Rape requires penetration and therefore sex does as well. There's no sex in a Chloé Quill Kiss?

I'm sorry, no penetration? There's no penis to fuck. It's one of these. It's not a tongue kiss. Right, that's how I imagined it. Yeah, yeah. It's not this. On the other side, ducks do fuck.

It's really dirty when you describe it for some reason. Yeah, I mean, you know it for some reason. Yeah, the waves. You know that from Taylor. I kind of wish this is how I had sex now. Kyle fucking quit it. I don't like that. For you non-video watchers, you're really missing out on a disgusting hand gesture. Like two cloacal mouths coming at each other

and then just a little bit of penetration as well and then just this sort of, yeah. If I were God, that's how chickens would have sex. This is how we all have sex. Now I understand why Kyle's prison time went so quickly. Yeah. All right. Well, real quick, before we jump more into cloacal kissing,

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A buy something compound? A buy... Come on, hell no. It's not biannual. It's a buy something because you make sex sexual. No. Because no, no. It's not biannual. It's a buy something because you buy sexual. No. It's clearly not. Because no, no.

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literally use it while it's green. Because when it turns blue, it's no longer activated. All the zinc ions have been bound in there. You can literally pour it in different containers and see the color change over time. Use it right when you pour it. Alright. I have two stories one is kind of a am i an asshole today i fucked up it's about beans it was popular three months ago so some people have heard it before you do this just

a technical note i noticed my camera has been blipping a little bit has that been bad uh is that just something now and then you get a little stuttery but your audio is pretty good so that's the bigger thing just checking uh and the other one is an eight-year-old thing that no one's heard about with like a football injury do you want to do the beans one or the other one what's that i'll let kyle pick kyle you there yes i, I am. Beans or injury? Injury. Okay. My beans! We can do beans later, maybe.

Or another show. I'm saying combine them. Find a way to combine them, Woody. Put them in one story. So I went deep in this Reddit rabbit hole today and found an eight-year-old post that this guy created about a dramatic event and it just sunk in my head and i thought i'd share it here we go last semester at a certain college i was

assaulted by a football player walking around where he was trying to drive by the way it's important that the the person telling the story is a guy he weighs 120 pounds so i had it wrong for a bit he was really a guy then he was 325 pounds i was 120 pounds and while unconscious on the ground i lived a different life i met a wonderful young lady and she made my heart skip and my face red i pursued her for months and dispatched a few jerk boyfriends before i finally won her over two years, we got married and almost immediately she bore me a daughter. I had a great job. My wife didn't have to work outside the house. When my daughter was two, she bore me a son. My son was the joy of my life. I would walk into his room every morning before I left for work and doted on him and my daughter. One day while sitting on the couch,

I noticed that the perspective of the lamp was odd, like inverted. It was still in 3D, but just wrong. It was a square lamp base, red with gold trim on four legs and a white square shade. I was transfixed. I couldn't look away from it. I stayed up all night staring at it. The next morning, I didn't go to work. Something just wasn't right about that lamp. I stopped eating. I left the couch only to use the bathroom at first. And soon I stopped that too, as I wasn't eating or drinking. I stared at that fucking lamp for three days before my wife got worried. She had someone come and try to talk to me. By this time, my cognizance was breaking up and my wife was freaking out.

She took the kids to her mother's house just before I had my epiphany. The lamp isn't real. The house isn't real. My wife, my kids, none of that's real. The last 10 years of my life are not fucking real. The lamp started to grow wider and deeper and still has inverted dimensions. It took upon my entire perspective and all I could see is red. I heard voices, screams, and all other kinds of weird noises before I became aware of the pain. A fucking shit ton of pain. The first words I said were,

I'm missing teeth, and I opened my eyes. I was laying on my back on the sidewalk, surrounded by people that I didn't know. Lots were freaking out. I was completely confused. At some point, a cop scooped me up, drag-slash drag slash walked me across the sidewalk and grass and threw me into the back of the cop car i was still confused i was taken to the hospital by the cop it seems he didn't want to wait for the ambulance to arrive and given ct scans and shit i went through about three years of horrid depression i was grieving for the loss of my wife and children and the knowledge that they never existed i was scared that I was going insane as I would cry myself to sleep, hoping I would see her in my dreams. I never have,

but sometimes I see my son usually just a glimpse out of my peripheral view vision. He is perpetually five years old and I can never hear what he says. Um, and then it, he goes on to talk about it, but basically this guy got hit by a football player, has 10 years of imaginary memories where he had a wife and kids. And then he came back to, and, uh, he's, he goes on to say, I've had personal messages describing similar experiences and three posters saying that such experiences are impossible.

Um, yeah. So he's, he's depressed. He lost his wife and kids that he never really had. It just fucking sunk in with me. I don't know. Yeah.

I don't believe any of that. And, uh, and I think even if any of that had happened, uh, he really dodged a bullet by getting out of that whole wife and kids thing. So what a dumb wife to wait three days before she was concerned about him staring at a lamp and not eating yeah maybe she's gonna pull you back if she she knows a little earlier you dumb fuck maybe watch where you're going next time now is like the post before it is to be like hey

you guys recommend a good junior high school in the area i'm checking out his post i'm sorry i don't believe that look it's well written it's in it's an interesting story but basically what he's saying is i got hit i had a dream and because it was such a vivid dream i'm now sad it's not real yes we've all had vivid dreams that were sad. Aren't real. I dreamt I won the fucking world series. It's not, it's not like I woke up, be like, I mourn the loss of my baseball career every day.

Yeah. But what he's describing, I can't pitch. What he's describing is extreme time dilation, which I don't think, um, is, is possible to that degree.

I think we... Pardon? Inception? You just got to keep going dream within a dream, and then you're fine. Essentially, yeah. Like, Inception's silly, but the idea of time dilation is a real thing.

It's factual. Like, I'm sure you've had that thing where you just kind of fell asleep for 10 or 20 minutes, but it seemed like you were having a really long dream. And I think normally we have no idea how long, like we might have a dream that goes on for a long time that we're doing the dreaming thing, that we're conscious of the dream. But you wake up and you're like, I wonder how long I was actually dreaming. Like if someone was in the outside running a stopwatch, I bet it was different than the

stopwatch in my mind. And it is. It absolutely is. But not to the point where lying on the sidewalk before someone can render aid, you experience 10 years of memories. Does this guy remember any news reports from 10 years of our future?

Is there anything like that? Of course not. No, no. It's just a memory that's implanted while he was unconscious he actually remembered the stock market and what happened with it and he'd be helpful yeah i don't think he thinks this really happened but i think he mourns the loss as if it were real oh well that's even sadder if he if he knows it like i was under the impression that he was suggesting that,

for all intents and purposes, while it wasn't real, he didn't go to another dimension, per se, but he did experience these things, and therefore they are real, right? Like, if you fell in love with a woman, like, he had a whole courting process that he described where he had to, like, win her over and beat out other suitors. And then, you know, two children. he's talking about 10 years of memories uh yeah i don't i don't buy any of that it's it'd be a cool twilight zone though yeah i i stick with what i said i don't know

i think my interpretation's on target i think that he woke up realized it was all just a dream but it hurt just as much and now that now i've experienced that i agree with the time dilation point the calm made like i've had super vivid dreams i have a tendency to dream very very vividly sometimes and like you know i'll wake up and remember the whole fucking thing and over the course of you, probably the last 20 minutes I was sleeping for real. Cause you know, you're not dreaming that the whole, you know,

six hours you're sleeping or in Kyle's case, you know, eight to 12, but like the, the, the idea of that dream, you know, and maybe a dream might take a couple days.

Like I've had dreams where it's happened over the course of a couple days, 10 fucking years of every moment in that. Like, I can't. I do not think that that part's possible. Yeah. I take a supplement that helps with lucid dreaming. And it actually has. I think it has worked.

Because almost every night now, I have these really intense, cool dreams. Is it for lucid dreams yeah do you take a supplement so you can have more interesting dreams yeah oh it's not like a side effect of a supplement for some other reason uh i mean it's a sleep aid but but the whole thing is it it's like it says lucid dreams on the on the front hmm it's a it's a um derrick from more plates more dates it's his company it's a gorilla dream i think is what it's called i think it's called gorilla dream first time i read when i was a kid i read about lucid dreams and in the in the thing that i read it talked about how like they realized they were dreaming so they so they decided to fly

that has stuck with me so much that every single time i've ever had a lucid dream i fly like that's the that's the thing i do because that is is so buried in my mind like i associate that with lucid dreaming and and i'm never able as i'm waking up, I go lower and lower. Like I can't fly high. I can only go like maybe 10 feet. And then as I'm waking up, I'm kind of gliding a little bit. Like I can't keep it up. And I realize I'm waking up.

And that's how it works. But like I never do anything in lucid dreams but fly. It's ridiculous. I almost always fly. And I often rape. I used to have lucid dreams where I could fly. And when I was a kid, I was great at it. And the only thing is you had to like concentrate really hard to fly.

That was like the thing. And sometimes I wasn't able to muster that level of concentration, but mostly I could. And as I got older, this is like, you know, up until 10 or 8 or something, you know, I slowly lost the ability to focus enough to fly. And I think what actually happened was maybe I was copying a story. But in my head, I had this idea that as I learned that you can't fly, that slowly became even my dreams reality. Interesting. Yeah. became even my dreams reality. Interesting. Yeah. So when, uh, when I'm having a fully lucid dream and I mean, it's, it's to the point where I have the full process where I sit, I'm standing there

and I say, okay, I am in a dream. I am asleep, but I'm while I'm really asleep in bed, I am in a dream right now. And I can make this like the matrix if I want to, if I really concentrate, what do I want to do? Um, and then, but sometimes it's in between, it's like, I think I'm in a dream, but I'm not sure. And I need to be sure before I get to rape it, you know, cause there, there's going to be consequences. And so like, Because there's going to be consequences. And so like, Steve's not loving this.

So I'll pinch myself. So I'll pinch myself. But the problem is, at this point, I can feel pain in my dreams now. And so like... Oh, that's... Well, she couldn't at first, but if I concentrate real hard, she can.

I'm not Well, she couldn't at first, but if I concentrate real hard, she can. I refuse for this to be the end. You will not see me laughing at this story at all. So, you know, I'll pinch myself and I'll try to determine if it's dream. But the problem is like now I'll feel pain and I. And I'll be like, well, that did hurt. But did it hurt like it normally hurts? I don't know. I don't pinch myself a lot in real life, you know? I don't remember what.

And then I'll be like, well, I need some more serious pain here. So I'll, like, stab myself or bite myself, like, really try to hurt myself. And then I'll be like. Shouldn't that be enough of an indication that it's a dream that you're willing to stab yourself? I need to be sure before I get to raping Taylor. I've been to prison before. You really dot all your I's and cross all your T's in a situation like this.

You know what? I was a fool to ask initially. You're right. Thank you. Thank you. Go cloacal kiss somebody. You need to be sure. This whole thing right now is a dream it is not a dream because that hurt quite a bit when I pinched myself

I don't know why I didn't mime pinching myself I literally did pinch myself and it made no sense actually when I was pinching myself when I just pinched myself I didn't feel like it hurt enough and I was like uh oh uh oh if I'm dreaming I didn't feel like it hurt enough. I was like, uh-oh.

If I'm dreaming, why would I have Steve on the show? It's a nightmare. Book someone better. If this were Kyle's dream, Woody and I wouldn't be here. It would be like him, Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Who else?

Four frames of just Kyle What do you know? Kyle won That was a fantastic joke And I loved it Oh thank you Kyle 3 Can I do that? Have we done the beans and the girlfriend story? We haven't

With bated breath I await I promise you I think it's gonna it's gonna exceed your expectations okay no no i don't have low expectations i'm i'm very well i take it back then now well all right so here it is today i fucked up by demanding that my girlfriend show me where she buried the beans in the woods all All right. I admit I posted a version of this relationship in the relationship subreddit the other day, but they closed it with no explanation. Yada, yada, yada. With all that going on.

All right. I'm sorry. Let me start over. I assume because they decided it was fake. I can see how they might think that, but this is true. This is a thing that happened and is happening. And now there's more to it i actually got broken up with it with all that going on i know i'm interrupting this on purpose

every time someone starts a story that way that's how i know it's true with all that going on we had stocked up on supplies including some canned goods i ordered a few weeks ago and 30 cans of beans 10 black beans 10 kidney beans and 10 or pink beans i also ordered 15 cans of chickpeas i thought this be a reasonable amount of beans and chickpeas to have every now and then it would last for some time this is three months ago is coronavirus stocking up okay however earlier this week i opened the cabinet because i wanted to make a vegetarian chili using two cans of beans. All of the beans were gone.

What the hell? So I asked my girlfriend, and she told me she buried all of the beans in the woods. At first, I thought she was joking, but she explained no. She had buried these beans in the woods. What the fuck? I asked her to explain, and she told me that she was afraid that if things get bad, we might have to worry about looters or whatever, and that the beans would be in danger of being stolen. I thought that was completely ridiculous and unlikely, and she got angry at me and said she's protecting our beans. According to her logic, the beans are safely buried in the woods behind our apartment complex, and if we ever need to get some beans,'ll go to the stash dig up a can or two

but prefer it if we could save them you know just in case things get worse i said why only bury the beans why not bury our more valuable items she said the canned food was our most valuable item for long-term means and that since we have fresh food and online grocery deliveries it would make sense to continue to stockpile more beans she intends to go bury more beans in the woods every week this was too insane for me and i got really upset i demanded that we go to where the beans are buried and she refused to tell me she said that if i knew she was afraid i would dig up the beans and i said damn right i would dig up the beans. And she said, I will never jeopardize the beans. So the following day, I tried to put my foot down. I'm not usually a foot downer,

but there are rare issues where compromise is out of the question. And I foolishly decided that this was one of those issues. I demanded to know where the beans were buried. And I told her that if she was going to bury the beans I paid for in the woods that I would move out we fought about it and I kept insisting in hindsight I should have just let it go and created my own hidden stash of beans in the apartment and given her time to cool down about this bean buying scenario but I blew it all out of proportion and it's weird to bury the beans in the woods but why do I have to press it? What's the harm at the end of the day?

In the grand scheme of things but I kept demanding her to take me to the beans or at least draw a map or something. Take me to the beans. Finally she broke up with me over the beans. I've lost the love of my life because I couldn't let the damn beans go.

I am in disbelief. She has moved out. Now I am not only heartbroken, but I'm now paying full rent instead of 50%, which is a huge financial issue. Too long, didn't read. I kept demanding that my girlfriend showed me where she buried the beans in the woods and she got so angry at me. she ended our relationship and moved out. My heart is shattered, and my finances are jeopardized because of a bean hoard.

No, fuck that bean whore. Fuck that bean burying bitch, all right? This is nonsense. Women have no concept of what fucking society falling apart is. You're going to be so much rape. It always comes back to rape. Those beans are not going to be what they're looking for. You're going to wish that you had left the beans in the house.

They're going to be looking for your bean. Yeah, they're going to be, so you're going to wish that there were more beans in the house. So they'd have something to do other than rape you more. That's what they're going to be flicking is your beans, bitch. And your husband's going to be flicking is your beans, bitch. And your husband's going to be dead in the gutter with an empty stomach because you buried the beans.

And you know what she definitely didn't do? She definitely didn't bury the beans in the correct way. She definitely just threw cans of beans in the ground and threw dirt on top of it. It's like, bitch, those beans are going to be ruined so fast that dirt's going to eat right through them. Come on. Be smart. Six months.

Be smart when you bury your beans. Those beans were already ruined if this was the beginning of quarantine. Already ruined. The labels have peeled right off. You don't know what kind of beans you're getting. If I came home one day, any day, if i came home one day any day and my girlfriend had hidden a huge amount of food in the woods that would be an immediate problem it wouldn't be uh we're gonna see how this plays out it would be a what the fuck are you doing burying beans in the woods you retard what? Kyle's complaint that you won't know what beans they are

in case you're making your post-apocalyptic chili and he's unearthing a can and he's like is this it? no already full up on pinto fuck there's a follow up to this story there's a subreddit that I

had never heard of called our metal detecting where they got all enthusiastic and they're like dude i'll help you find those beans no i'll help you find these and these metal detector enthusiasts that offered to help him find his beans which i think is great i need an update did they find the goddamn i don't know maybe i missed it because as the story got better and better i became i was like wait what i really got tuned in 30 cans of beans holy shit 45 45 cans if you include the chickpeas that's so many beans how big is a can of beans i'm picturing like tuna fish dude this bitch can go fuck herself that's so many beans to go hide. A can of beans is this big. It's like a soda can.

Okay. Yeah, but 49 of those? 45. What I'm saying is 40 or 50 cans of beans is a huge amount of beans. Of course. And she stole them for herself. Look, I'm so petty. I'm so petty.

You want it for yourself? Move, O'Baggins. I'll tell you what i would have done and i'm not even kidding i would have called the law i would have called the fucking police and i would have told them first i get some evidence right i text messenger hey about those beans that you took out of the cabinet and and. I paid for those. Can we at least both agree upon that? She's like, well, yeah, you paid for them. Okay, okay. I feel like I should know where they are. Will you tell me right now where the beans are?

No, I can't do that. I'm setting her up. I'm setting her up. This is a bean sting, all right? Then I call Johnny Law, all right? And when he shows up, I show him the text messages from the bean bandit. And one of two things is going to happen. Either she's going to lead us to the burial site of said beans, or she's going to jail.

Or, third option, the cops will laugh at you and possibly shoot you for doing that i'm white okay it's just like what if they also had a loved one steal their beans oh they could be being sympathetic we've seen this before sir just uh step outside we'll take it when when when shit was stolen off my porch and I had the person's face on video, I called the cops and they were like, we don't care. Not gonna, 45 cans of beans, I don't give a fuck. I mean, that's a very cheap thing,

but think about the future. What I was thinking that you were gonna say, Woody, is that this chick was going to try and plant cooked beans in the woods and that would have been infuriating. Like the whole can? going to try and plant cooked beans in the woods. And that would have been infuriating. Like the whole can?

Like she's not even bothered to open the can? No, she just put the can in the ground, taking a whole tree that's gonna... And the cans of beans will come off the trees. Reach up and pluck them off like apples. If you open up the can and you plant it you get beans but if you plant the entire can you get a can tree no it's much more efficient enormous can

comes out of the ground an enormous can with can branches that then later have cans of beans coming down from them so it's actually much smarter yeah kyle what do you saying today i hate that woman i i hate anyone that's that stupid regardless of their sex um and and he's better off because look if she was planting beans today god knows what she's gonna be doing a few years one of the dumbest things my mom ever did and we almost we almost left her right then um i'm kidding um but but i remember when 9-11 happened she put a bunch of gallons of water in the basement and uh i was down there uh like like that's where dad and i's like reloading bench was where we reloaded ammunition and and did that stuff and i noticed there was like eight gallons of water over you know under the the stairs that lead down to the basement i

was like what's that he's like i don't know down to the basement i was like what's that he's like i don't know that's weird huh i was like we'll get wake upstairs mom um there's a bunch of gallons of water downstairs what's that about she's like case the terrorist attack and i'm like describe eight gallons ought to do us through i'm like describe this hypothetical attack and keep in mind i'm what's 18 at the time no i'm like 16 at the time i'm like describe this hypothetical attack in which we really need eight gallons of water to survive well i you know i guess they attack the tiny town of lavonia georg, and, you know, population 8,000.

First the chicken farms. No, first the Twin Towers, then the chicken farms. Then the chicken farms, you know. First Livonia, Georgia, then New York. And I was like, okay, okay, well, let's just say that that happens, that they organize, that they hijack more planes and crash more jetliners into our small town. How does that mean, how does that take our water away that we already have she's like well i was like because we have a

well you know this um we have a well with with enormous amount into the well how how many beans had she said she said maybe the water gets poisoned and i'm like well they're poisoning wells now because this is they're really bringing it to the little guy if they're just like stumbling around in the scariest place in the world for a man in a fucking turban by the way the deep south of the United States. Walking through the woods, I guess, looking for rural areas that live on wells and then poisoning the wells one at a time with, I don't know,

a bucket of battery acid? No, listen, Ahmed. It is so retarded they will never suspect. I felt retarded with my own plan. It is the worst tactical plan. They will never defend against the worst possible option. We will attack Georgia towns of population.

I don't know what accent it is now, but it's clearly something different. We will go after Georgia towns of population 10,000 or lower. Tell me if I over... We will steal their beans. In fairness, if they did that, people would be

fucking terrified. Like, if you're trying to scare a population, you go after a small town, because every small town will think that they're next. Whatever happened to that arsenic or cyanide post office scare? Did they catch them? Did that guy just get away with that? When was this that you're talking about? Are you talking about right after 9-11? The next thing that happens.

No, that was Anthrax. They caught that guy. I want to say that guy was an Elvis impersonator. Are you serious? I want to know more about this. See if I'm right. Here's the Google

search. Elvis impersonator, Anthrax 9-11. I'm just trying to's the Google search. Here's the Google search. Elvis impersonator anthrax 9-11. I'm just trying to fucking murder someone at the post office. He had a manifesto. It said, I'm doing this, one, for the money, two, for the show. Pretty good.

I get it. Go, go, go. God damn it. That was way better than you gave it credit for. I tried it. Go, go, go. God damn it. That was way better than you gave it credit for. I tried to help you out. It was way better. I appreciate that. Thank you.

There. So after the first earthquake that I went through with my ex in L.A. and she had never been through one before. So she kind of freaked out and she wanted us to have like an earthquake survival kit that's like one in one at home and one in the car and basically you know standard stuff of like you know matches a can opener like just a couple things like that even that i thought this is a little much. She had buried beans over, over, over. And we weren't dating.

We were married, divorced right then. She had buried 45 cans of beans because that is such a detachment from reality. I get that every one of us was very scared the society was going to break down at the beginning of this virus. And people were, you know, when you get to the grocery store and there's nothing on the shelves that's a very scary thing

to see and i get that the idea of if you're in it a couple of weeks and they've restocked by then and you can suddenly order all the cans of beans you want on amazon that's when you maybe go get the shovel yeah and and unbury the beans look you don't ever bury the beans because you've got you know what i guarantee is i guarantee that bitch forgot where she buried all the beans i think i think maybe she did not make a map zero percent i i um every now and then something will pop up on relationship advice and then i i read the comments to see just how horrible the people of Reddit are and how different their opinions are than mine.

I saw one the other day. She's like a 26-year-old female. Her boyfriend is 35 male. I guess they were having a big fight. And she finally went to bed, woke up the next day, and they were all good again. And he's like, I should drug you more often. And she was like, what? He's like, yeah, I put a Benadryl in your drink last night.

She's like, what should I do? And before I look at the comments, I really wrap my head around this. All right. Was she congested? All right. Probably shouldn't have put a Ben't put up in her drink all right but how big of a deal is this well it's benadryl all right it's an over-the-counter uh allergy medication he didn't drug her in the traditional sense this is not a bill cosby type scenario and a benadryl is about as mild as it gets like we give those to dogs when the like fourth of july kitty gave her dogs uh benadryl and the dogs were laying there like like fucking

stoned out of their minds it was hilarious i'm thinking like in my head i'm thinking no big deal i don't think i would do it to my girlfriend but i don't think i've ever yeah i've never done if you're the kind of sinister person that's gonna drug someone to fuck with them benadryl would not be your go-to well he did it so she'd go to sleep and they wouldn't fucking fight anymore like that's what he's like that's why he did it he was like tired of the big fight they were having and he was like benadryl bitch and like put her to sleep the comments like, I'm so afraid for you. Call the police now.

It is evil in a hilarious way. It also shows how much of a wuss he is. Because the idea that instead of just... You should have knocked her out. Instead of just dealing with the moment and just letting her argue herself out like he he couldn't face that. He just was like, I'm going to find another way. Like in that way, it's it's not even just about like whether or not the Benadryl is too much like my dog takes Benadryl every day because he's very itchy.

It's not a it's not a damaging thing, but it is also, it shows how much of an idiot and a dick he is. I bet he loves scratches. Dude, easy way to deal with that is how about you just pop a bunch of Benadryl yourself and then you can pass it out. He had shit he wanted to do.

But, but, but, but. Well, meth would not help you with that. Don't do meth with me. You can't just meth with me. It's not worth it. It's selfish itself, okay? Can't just go to sleep. Could have given her a pot brownie. I imagine that'd make her a little more compliant, maybe.

A little chill. Well, apparently, it's like they start, the people of Reddit start like linking her all these laws. They're like, he's committed a class two felony. Looks like your boyfriend's going to the lockdown and just just like run everybody i couldn't like one guy in the middle it wasn't old enough for comment voting to be enabled yet but this one guy was like gotta admit funny as fuck but every i was like, Taylor? But everybody else is just like, this is dangerous.

This is a red flag. Who knows how he's going to drug you again. He did it once. He'll do it again. Because he popped a Benadryl in her fucking beer, now he's Bill Cosby, and he's going to be drugging her all the time for fun. To me, it just seems so innocent. He could could have also if they're having a big fight he could have also just been like hey can i get you some ice cream or like something like that but also a general rule of thumb you shouldn't

give people drugs that they don't know they're taking how about that how about you don't dose people with shit look i agree with you i'll never try new things taylor i look i would not do that but like um well i think it's okay to drug for some reason i feel like it's kind of okay to drug people with weed if they're already weed users like i wouldn't do that to woody like that would be fucked cop yes oh i'd absolutely drug quibble cop i would probably drug taylor um you know like like because yeah i'd drug taylor and uh but but i but you know if someone doesn't smoke or they don't they've never done edibles like that'd be real fucked up to drug them with that shit i would much rather this woman was it was a chronic benadryl user benadryl so like vanilla though like we give it to children and dogs like i just feel like it made her a little drowsy she went to bed it's not like anything bad happened or would have happened she's

with her boyfriend it's just it's the idea of like giving someone i don't even like not knowing what's in my food no i don't even like the idea like i don't i don't like lobster i just don't i find it bland and like if someone like secretly gave me lobster i would just be like why don't you just fucking tell me there was lobster in it no like it's it i think it just shows that person to be conniving shitty i guess i'm not talking he should be arrested i'm talking about that he's an idiot too i feel like like there's i'm mixed i need to know about the like more about the relationship right i saw one similar to that kyle but the guy slipped his girlfriend a drink like a maybe put vodka in her soda or

something like that yeah right i saw that too the subreddit was like wild with how crazy that was but like if jackie did that to me like how long we've been together like 25 years now like that's it's not a deal breaker it's like honey i didn't want that you know like let me choose this but it's there's enough deposits in the emotional bank account. That is definitely. It's definitely different than someone who you just meet dosing them or something in there that they're all about. Boyfriends and girlfriends. Like if we've been together for a fucking year and me popping a Benadryl in your drink is not only grounds for a breakup,

but grounds for calling law enforcement. I mean, it's not like I buried your beans. We don't have to call cops. You're absolutely right. It's not nearly as severe as that, but also who the fuck gives people Benadryl without their notice?

Oh, I bet it was one of those that dissolved in your tongue too. I wonder how many it would take to hypothetically put a woman out. All right, I'm good with those ones. Here's how I know they're not in a healthy relationship. She's asking for relationship advice on Reddit. Yeah. That alone. You know how dangerous it is?

What? I was saying, do you know how dangerous it is to ask for advice on the Reddit relationship forum? Because I'm out there with an alt giving terrible advice, and it often gets upvoted highly. Terrible advice. Where it's like, it's time to end it all. Colin. They break up over everything.

That's exactly right. You need to finish. That seems to's the Reddit response most of the time, from what I can tell, is that if it's someone, some woman posting being like, hey, my boyfriend gave me a Benadryl

and I didn't like it. They'll be like, he's an abuser and a rapist and you should call the police. And also, my DMs are open. Yeah, absolutely. This is really lame. Yeah, that's what it seems to me.

Yeah, here's the whole... I just found it, actually. Like 41,000 upvotes. And I'm just going to go through some of the comments. The Benadryl one or the alcohol? Yeah, the Benadryl one. This is absolutely terrifying behavior. I noticed he was also trying to get you away from your mom's house trying to keep you

away from a support network maybe question mark please get out as quickly and safely as you can a guy who thinks this kind of behavior is no big deal well that's just really unpredictable don't expect him to behave rationally what like popped you have you ever have you ever like it's allergy medication uh you ever like you you know you kind of i mean uh okay woody you wear glasses whatever so if you catch yourself catch yourself in the mirror without glasses and you're fuzzy right okay you fill in the blanks however it is your mind. You fill in the blanks. However it is, your mind wants to fill in the blanks. Handsome. To make this relatable, Kyle, if you are a little drunk and you see someone at a bar,

you might think that they're cuter because you're a little drunk. Internet is full of people who see these stories and then they just fill in those fucking blanks. However they want to fill in those blanks and they write the rest of the story and as far as they're concerned on this story he has a relationship with her mother and he was trying to prevent her from the from being part of that network and the guy who gave me the sword is killing himself and they're just inventing stories in order to entertain themselves which is why they're on the sub in the first place leave him they yeah you can't tell them any different anytime i ever write a story about

something happens that like someone was an asshole to me out in the street whatever it is they just make up reasons why it's okay that they were and they give that guy the benefit of the doubt even though i'm the person that they're talking to like it's that they're filling in those fuzzy fucking blanks and and that's how the story happened according to their mind you can't tell them otherwise it's just one after leave him this is a big deal now he knows how to keep you at bay he may exploit it for his gain seriously you need to go now drugging someone is wrong. He could have seriously harmed you. This dude needs to be dumped as soon as possible, and you need to talk to a

doctor and possibly the police. You are underreacting if you are still with him. She lives with me. Oh my god, dude. Reddit is so fucking retarded. See, the kind of comment I would leave on an alt under that would be Hey, you don't know me anymore. Yeah, I i do i i literally do it's funny to me but i'll go in there i'll be like hey

quick little fact did you know the kgb used benadryl like substances in order to inculcate people into the system and manipulate them yeah turns out that's true like i write in that like retarded like reddit dialect it's like a lot of ellipses and like stupid like oh you don't believe that yeah well it's true you write stuff like that and then you will get people like upvoting you and it's like i just made this shit up whole cloth and people are buying into it that that's that's one of the most fun things about reddit just just making shit up and and then seeing a bunch of other people think you know the guy i mean the guy didn't even know how much it was dangerous because how does he know how much farm equipment she has to operate that night

no like you can't be drowsy for something like that it could be that could be really maybe she had a you know late night shift on the assembly line and then you know uh maybe she's installing a tin roof like there are all these things that you need to be aware for. And, and he's ruined all of that with the Benadryl. I do think that it's shitty and stupid to give someone any sort of drugs without their knowledge, but it's also they don't have a healthy relationship to begin with. And this,

this does not matter in their unhealthy relationship because all the other shit does. Well, I'm just saying if you turn to Reddit for relationship advice and your relationship, because it is full of bitter people who will tell you to avoid any sort of reconciliation whatsoever. If your significant other if you find out that your significant other has turned to reddit for relationship advice

in the relationship if my girlfriend ever tells me she has a reddit account it's over it's done no my girlfriend is is tremendously offline and i fucking love that about her she'll be like hey did you see this funny meme and it'll be a meme from like six months ago and it's so endearing because i'm like oh she really doesn't know what's going on online oh that's great like my mom is the same way like like like like her memes are old um so so but it's great that i that like i have all the classics memorized so i today i sent her um that thing about the biggers you remember this yes yes it's where uh it's um it's where this midget is talking about how they hate um tall people and that and how they call them biggers.

And, and there's this part where like all I'm going to find it. Jesus. Yeah. You got to find it. That's a very funny clip. We're all just talking about hitting big love. Picturing Taylor coming home one day, seeing his girlfriend,

like just uploading a post of a cute dog on r slash awe he's like this is over I can't deal with you all this is done no I would give her a pass on r awe because I guarantee that's the only thing she would use it for if she was a reddit user

but she's on rare pupper that's it that's an it's too much yeah that fucking zoomies thing now she's on rare poppers that's it that's an it's too much yeah that fucking zoomies thing now she's becoming an internet person yeah it's she is a white girl in 2020 so she's all about poppers and uh doggerinos and all that shit oh this is a rare pupper. And everybody's like, Oh, what a, what a fluffy boy. What a big boy. What a chonker. It's over.

What a chonker. I think she literally said that the other day. Yeah. She'll be like, Hey, I went to yours. She actually, she listens to the show all the time.

And so there are times where I'll be streaming or whatever, and I'll come out into the kitchen to grab a drink go to the bathroom and i'll hear like myself talking about something retarded and be like can you can you keep my own voice out of the house please like i don't want to hear my own voice i hate it every now and then I hear... Well, Hotel Internet's doing a great job of that. Every now and then. That's a good one. I like that one. No, go for it, Woody. No, it's timing, man. Their time is not the charm.

It's all about timing. You know how uncomfortable it was when Arian's like, no, man, get out your joke. And it's like, I can't do it now. The line was really good when I would have said it. That was probably better than whatever the joke was. Arian's like, no, no, go ahead, go ahead. There was this perfect setup,

and Taylor had this punchline, but then there was like a break in the conversation, and then like me and Aaron were like, oh no, no. Tell your joke. It was like, no, no. The time has passed. Oh no, no. You have the floor.

Oh man, I hated that. But you knew what was happening. can see oh no no no i i'm joking i didn't actually hate it it was funny but it is like a total thing where it's like no tell your joke and it's like and steve would get better than anyone where it's like no the time has passed if i tell the joke right now it'll bomb and i'll get roasted even more like like timing is stand up is you get interrupted you cannot go back into the joke like you you have to find a way to organically get there if you want to go back into the line you have to like say something else that isn't a punchline or whatever and then you can weave your way back in but for the most part just move the fuck on and all the time i see comics like try to

go back in as if it's perfectly normal and it just it they just eat shit it's like that's the rule you cannot go back into a joke when it gets interrupted unless you do a joke about the fact that you're going back in right and then like with you i hadn't thought of that but i bet that's the sort of like that's not intuitive i would argue and that the comedians probably often learn that the hard way like fuck i've tried this four times i'm sure because there's gotta be someone out there who's just like you know the thing about cats somebody else like cats are gay you're like anyway the thing about cats is like that that probably wouldn't work like trying to jump back in after some dick it's even worse if like just be like yeah so the thing about be like you know my mom has a cat and

the guys like cats are gay and you're okay man stop interrupting me and then it goes back and forth then club security takes him and pulls him out and they just be like so my mom got a cat like that's that's how ridiculous it is sometimes and like what what he said is you know you you you have to learn it by making that mistake but some people do not learn it some people just continue to make that mistake and like it should happen to you once and then you go oh i wonder why they didn't laugh after i went back in again or even two or three times but there are people who I've seen them they don't get the idea that you cannot go back that is a hard

thing especially on a show like this I can think of so many times where I would do Hispanic cleaning lady voice and then it would break up in the middle and my impression is done and then I'll hear what was that last bit and then I'll go back in and it's like oh no i've ruined it it's it's no longer funny

i have a question steve right so we're four comedians we all do our thing right i sucked afterwards when we're hanging out post show are the other comedians like all right we've just been stack ranked and we all know this guy is shit or is it like ah we've all sucked like like how do the other comedians respond to somebody bombing if it's someone you don't know you assume that they bomb every time if it's someone that you do know and they've had a rough set then you roast them for it and it's a lot of fun um you know like you i mean that's it's so much like especially if it's a if it's a close friend and you know that they're funny it's a lot of fun to

just be like no you know man this isn't for everybody you know have you considered serving you know i mean i think you could you go back to that right you know i was an iho you know you might have an aptitude for delivering mail. I'm just saying. Yeah, exactly. What does that require? That's why I picked it. You know what I love? When they pump up the

postal service like they're the fifth branch of the military or something. If we rain or snow or sleet, we will lose your package. You just don't like them because that's what sent you to jail there are kind of hardcore when you get to the bottom of it

there's some rough customers up there at package acquisitions i'll give them that channels use that one thank you the answer to that is really like if there's no one you want to talk to less than a comic that you think is not a good comic like there is i actually i am not friends with bad comics because a i i look enough stuff or or you know produce enough stuff in the industry that it would be very difficult to turn a friend down but also i don't want to be friends with delusional people and if you've been in this business long enough and you're still not funny, I can't respect you. I don't give a fuck if we were for the same baseball team or if you're a good poker player or your lovely dinner company. That doesn't matter because you're so delusional about the thing that's most important to you. I cannot respect that.

So I live in a world where I talk to a lot of people who are lovely dinner company, right? Like at this point, Kyle Taylor, professional communicators, right? That's what they do. And, uh, it's not just them. We get guests on, we have comedians, we have people who just are gifted at talking. And then I'll shift over to my real life, to some guy who's gifted at like, I don't know, constructing cash registers or something, but not a talking. And I struggle. It's just like, oh, fuck, your story's wandering.

It's wandering. Do you remember how we got started on this bullshit? This is painful for me. Is it painful for you too? Is everyone else here not noticing that this isn't working, this whole thing? Would it be rude to just walk away at this point? That's what I want to do. I want to autistically walk away from a bad talker.

Nailed it. Yeah, I know what's happening. Someone in Woody's real life trying to tell him a story and him just being like, can we do a sponsor read or something? Is it possible? That's where I want to be. It was literally earlier today. I was out with my girlfriend.

We were grabbing a couple, I guess, late afternoon drinks and getting some snacks at a restaurant. And as we're about to wrap up and everything's done, I'm like, I got to run to the bathroom. I got to go pee. And she's like, okay, I'm going to, you know what? And there was a woman sitting out on the patio next to us who was clearly homeless, very clearly. And she was having her drink and reading her book. And my girlfriend was like, I'm going to, you know what? I'm going to pay her bill and I'm going to go say hi to her.

I'm going to talk to her. I was like, please don't do that. Like I got to get back to the show. I really, I got to go back and do PKS. And like the, and, but in my head I was like, if she starts a conversation with this bitch, I'm not bailing her out for at least 20 minutes. I'm going to let her talk to at least 20 minutes i'm gonna let her

talk to that person and so i go pee i come back i'm sitting there check paid everything good to go and she is my girlfriend standing next to this fucking homeless woman's table and i'm like half listening half looking for stuff to talk about on the show and i hear this homeless woman ranting so it was like she was waiting for that one person to listen and i heard jews half a dozen times in there where it'd just be and the jews and you know also and it was like this is you know what i'm gonna let her fucking sim with this person i did off too and so i i let her simmer for about 15 minutes until i was eventually like hey hon i i gotta start pka soon we gotta get back and then she like came away but yes very clearly she regretted that decision because that homeless lady was fucking insane absolutely no

time in history that someone was ranting and used the word jews six times and they were like you know who's a lovely people you know what i gotta tell you about you know who i really enjoy my new neighbors they're wonderful they're jews and i love it like you never you never hear that a bunch of jews moved into my town and now our sports teams are better yeah it was a little sketchy how she was saying jew with so much jew like every now and then i have gone on the road with like a comic i don't know and they're and and they're like hard to talk to and that's so weird to me because most comics have opinions about everything. There might be terrible opinions.

We will talk shit about anything. You can tell me something I've never heard about before. And I'll instantly have an opinion about it. Like, and I may be being a dick about it, but, but it's a conversation. And when,

if I'm ever on the road with someone who like, I can't talk to, I'm just like, how are you ever going to make it as a comic? I don't understand. You're not a professional communicator, as you said, Woody. Obama used to say that about his senators. He's like, by and large, everyone who is a senator up here has won a popularity contest.

So mostly they're pretty nice guys to spend time with. But every once in a while, it's like, how did you get this job? How did you become senator? Because that happens too. Yeah, I guarantee that's how it is in politics. The same way it is in sales, like Kyle would know. Where you're like, man, you got a bunch of people who are really qualified and good at talking to people and getting them rolling on certain thought patterns. But then every once in a while

there's a blithering retard that finds his way into that rich donville i still remember that motherfucker's name rich donville the fucking blithering retard of the car dealership dude he needed the money too that was the worst part like i i if i if i sold 12 cars a month i was swimming in cash i had so much money as a 19-year-old. It was just so much extra money because I had no bills. It was just free money. Rich had a family. He had a wife and two kids, and he had gotten fired from a real job.

I don't know what he did before, but he had all of his old suits from his old job. And he'd come in there with his hair all slicked back and the dark circles. They got darker every day under his eyes and his suits that got more and more wrinkled by the day. Don't respect me. Picture Gil. Was it Gil from The Simpsons? Yes, it's Gil from The Simpsons. Oh, Gil's going gonna get them this time!

Oh, Gil, this is the day where you're gonna bring it home? Shelly's been telling you, Cheryl, whoever's been telling you for so long that it's not gonna work? Oh, you're gonna sell a car today, Gil? You're gonna sell a car today, and Kyle's not gonna steal your chair! Wrong on both counts, Rich.

Wrong on both counts. You ain't selling shit, and I'm stealing your car because I'm 19 years old. I don't give a fuck. My favorite people in the world are comedians, and my least favorite people in the world are comedians. I would still rather talk to those least favorite people in the world and like someone who can't fucking tell a story this motherfucker yeah this motherfucker was about to sell a car one day well maybe maybe not he was at the point of a car sale where you have a customer sitting at your desk you are going back

and forth to a manager with the numbers right they're like i don't think i want to pay that but i would pay this and he's like, I'll go see what the manager says. And he's like walking back over with the papers. So while he's doing that, I'm watching discreetly from my desk with my, with my best buddy. And I'm like, watch this shit. And so I, I sort of walk over to his desk and our desks aren't in like offices. They're in like a big common space. And, uh, and the customers are a bit distracted. They're looking at an SUV that's behind them. You know, we're in a showroom.

So there's cars parked all around us. So they're kind of looking back at, I think, maybe even the car they were thinking about buying. And when they do, I just casually walk by, grab his fucking office chair, the salesman, and leave with it. And I don't just put it behind the next desk. I fucking leave with it. It's gone. It's on the other end of the showroom behind a fucking Honda or some shit. And then it's gone.

So now he comes back to his desk and he's like, well, I got some, where the fuck is my chair? And you can tell he's just so awkward because he doesn't have a chair now. But he wants to present these numbers. You can tell he's been thinking about what he's going to say when he gets back to this desk. He's got it.

I'll say this and that. And now this massive wrench has been thrown into the works. That is the fact that he doesn't have a fucking chair. He can't even sit with them so he just awkwardly stands there sort of leaning on the desk and we're just watching just melting down laughing our asses

off because he didn't belong there this is the guy with all the kids that you're fucking with yeah those hungry hungry kids Kyle do you know how he eventually killed himself? Yeah, it was pills. My God.

It's sad. It's when carbon monoxide poured from some car he couldn't sell. It's still sad. Well, we had to push him out. It's like I don't know what to describe it as. It's like we're in the know what to describe it as you know

it's like we're in the ocean and everybody's sort of kicking treading water for survival and we've only got eight gallons of water because that's all mom put in the boat and you just look over there you're like that guy is really having a hard time treading water you should check under the stairs there might be more water i think that maybe if he were to die today we'd all have more water and maybe the coast guard finds us and that's what that was the situation with rich he was there was only so much water so if i understand this right you're 19 you have so much money more than you know what to do with you're so fabulously rich i'm just you have just buying paintball stuff yeah yeah that i

that i don't have time to use so what you should do is bully this poor guy with a wife and children who's having a hard time he's really real low point in his life so that you can have more coast guard water or something that's exactly what we did and he uh he he was moved from sales moved quote unquote uh he was actually um told that he was not going to be selling cars anymore because he couldn't sell cars. He was never going to be able to sell cars. He was wasting his time there and just prolonging the slow death that is a bad car salesman's life.

And so they moved him to like this internet department. So then he worked for us as like a secretary, which was much better. Now he would like butter customers up over the internet, and then he would come to someone like me and he's all right kyle this guy's coming in to look at this truck he's he can do this this and that and then i'd sell him a fucking car because i i can do that and he couldn't do it he was never going to make it but he was we were putting him out of his misery while entertaining ourselves because we were working fucking 80 hours a week

buddy i think what you missed in the story the the moral of the story is that Kyle's a hero. Yeah, there's an act of kindness to where he saved this guy from making more money. I saved lots of people from making more money. And yeah, absolutely. No, he was never seen. He wasn't gonna sell him a car because he couldn't sell him a car. What he was doing was wasting water. He was wasting customers and we all hated that like like you're gonna sell every customer a car but there's a percentage at which that of failure at which point you're just like dude dude's just dribbling it all remember when frodo i i hope taylor's here in this part remember when frodo and sam are uh are climbing up the

fucking mountain mountain of doom at the end and uh and don't spoil it and frodo's out of fucking water and sam's like here have some of mine and frodo grabs sam's water and he like spills it all down his chin he's waste a huge amount of the few drops they have left that was rich rich needed to go and so we got rid of them and we did that to lots of people if somebody came in and they were good at car sales we couldn't fuck them up. If I took a good salesman's fucking chair, he'd have come in there like the Fonz and slid on the desk or something, or he'd have told them all to

come with him. Rich had a meltdown by the end of that day. He got pissed. He got all red-faced. Where's my chair? People are taking my chair. Get out of here, Rich. Go back to the BSC. I got to say, Kyle, I wasn't on your side until the lord of the rings analogy and now thank you yeah now you understand you understand but now i get circle of

life there's only so much water there's 25 fucking people drinking out of it they add a 26th person and if that person can't fucking drink without dribbling it down their chin we don't want them there doesn't matter that kyle had more water than he knew what to do with. You know, I earned every drop of it. When I bought a car, I had walked in going, here's the car that I want. I saw that it's on your lot.

I'd like to buy it. And they were like, do you want to test drive it? I'm like, I've driven one before. I'm sure it's fine. i'd like to buy it and they're like do you want to test drive it i'm like i've i've driven one before i'm sure it's fine i'd like to get in and out of here as quickly as possible they already had the sale just happened to be the the person who i was talking to is the one who gets the sale yeah and like i'm sitting there and uh it is by the way i walked in right before closing so there's no reason for another customer to be coming in after me when I've already been at the desk for 20 minutes. So someone walks in with what looks like an empty envelope. Dressed the same as all the other salespeople. And the woman who's trying to sell me the car just goes, just like, oh, hey, Dave, good to see you.

What are you doing here? And he goes, just paying for the Prius. That's what I was buying as well. He was just paying for the Prius. And she goes, well, how do you like it? He goes, well, what I feel doesn't matter. My friends are all jealous. And isn't that the point?

I just look at her. I just look at her. His friends are all jealous and isn't that the point i just got her i just look at her and i'm friends are all jealous of his previous it's a setup they're fucking selling or a boy yeah and i just say to her and i go i'm already buying the car what are you trying to do she's like whatever you're talking about i was like that guy just he's going to another you know what fine forget about it so then when i was with the finance guy afterward i asked him i just go hey how do the commissions work with uh with the sales here do you get any of it and he goes if i help sell the car yeah i go so if you help sell this car you get like half the commission and he goes yeah and i go put down that you're the reason i bought the car smart i was just like fuck that asshole like i was already i was already buying it that stupid community theater bullshit she tried to pull on me not that stupid

so you know it cost her whatever a thousand dollars or whatever the hell the commission was good and the finance guy was very pleased with how that went down it wasn't a thousand dollars but it cost her money that's good that's good he was he was a nice guy i like pettiness as well so that that's i love that they had a ringer come in i love the prius i can't wait to get going. Zero to 60 in a minute and a half? Count me in. Zero to 60 in theory. I'm sure he would just like a couple of deaths down. They were trying to sell me some additional warranty.

And my philosophy on these is that if it was a good deal for me, then you wouldn't sell it to me. That's the thought. a good deal for me then you wouldn't sell it to me right like that's the thought you know obviously they've worked out that if i pay an extra thousand a year on this thing i probably get less than a thousand a year in repairs and that's why they're selling it to me that that's that's my so it's in my head so he's laying it out and i listen to him politely but like obviously i'm waiting for it to end and uh no so he goes to a cheaper option cheaper option. And we go through a couple of them. And I'm like, dude, I just lay it out there. This isn't happening.

And he's like, well, if you're going anywhere, at least get there fast. And he skipped to the end and we signed the papers. I loved it. Yeah. It is a good deal a lot of the times because what they've actually factored in is over the course of all of our customers, how many will actually have X, Y, and Z issue that costs one, two, and three multiplied by how many customers will actually remember they have a warranty and use it minus what you're paying times X amount of customers. you know minus what you're paying times x amount of customers uh like we sold this thing called permaplate which didn't even exist which uh was supposed to be like a fabric um uh like like uh coating that that repelled stains and liquids and it was supposed to be a fabric coating yeah like we had these swatches of fabric that had been treated with a thing called permaplate and you could pour like fucking coca-cola on these like suck um uh cloth seats and it would just roll off like water like it was

glass pretty cool i guess you know if you got kids especially and you've got cloth seats uh but but we and and also in the paint it prevent it was supposed to prevent like sun damage uv damage and fading and all that bullshit. But the thing is, we didn't actually put it on the cars like ever. Like because I remember it was $700, $700 to have permaplate applied to your car. And I remember asking a manager once, I was like, so do all the cars already have it on them? And then we just try to sell it? Or do they apply it if we sell it?

Because it's an addition thing that I would sell as a salesman, you know, like during the car sale. It wasn't the finance shit that happens with the warranties. It was before that. And he's like, yeah, something like that. And I was like, what? Well, it's either one or the other. Either it's on them all already or it's on none of them already and they're going to put it on.

He's like, you know. There is a third option. You know, it's really about peace of mind. They put it on nothing. What do you mean it's about peace of mind? He's like, well well you get a warranty when you buy the permaplate and if you get a stain then uh you know we fix the seat i was like okay all right but there's a good little bit of of advice if a salesman says that

it's for your peace of mind you don't need it what it was guaranteed it the thing was i could sell permaplate for a hundred dollars or a hundred ten dollars i would just make numbers up sometimes i've sold it for a thousand before like like just making the numbers up as i went along just sell it for whatever and they'd be like sure whatever oh a hundred dollar permaplate yeah just write it up let's go because it's just extra and what you were actually buying was a warranty there was no coating on your car your seats are regular fucking seats but you

just bought a warranty that says if your seats ever fucking get stained they'll replace them bitches it was a huge value when you got to the bottom of it because no one and I mean no one ever came back in and said I've got a stain on my seat. They never did it once. I've never heard of it. No one, no one ever saw it happen. It never occurred.

No, everybody forget it. You mean it was a huge value for you as a salesperson? No, no, no. For you as a customer. If, if I were selling that car to, to my best friend in the world, I'd be like, let's get the permaplate on there, get it on the contract. Let's just make it $100 or $200 if we can, but if you've got to pay $700 for this, let's do it. If you ever fucking get a stain on your

seat, they're not just going to massage the stain out. They have to replace that motherfucker. They have to refabricate your whole seat. What I'm getting out of this is you would have upcharged your best friend. I'd have sold my best friend. For $200. I'd have sold

my best friend one of the most fantastic warranties in existence on the planet that allows them at any time for like five years. You really put it into the bullshit, didn't you? No, it was real. There's no bullshit. You would have sold it to your best friend

and had an extra empty seat right next to you. As sure as there are two chairs behind my desk, for some reason, this is a good deal. No, even better. You see this chair right here? You see this chair right here? It's been coated with permaplane i just pour a whole coca-cola on it you notice that soaking in and really staying in the fabric

well it doesn't make a fuck because the warranty still covers it am i right 20 minutes later rich's ass is covered in soda. Isn't that right, Rich? He's over there with his pants off in the sink. There's some poor guy who's just like, man, I don't... He's trying to get the mustard out. I don't make nearly enough of this to clear the mustard out. The salesman, Kyle, he says to them,

it will get mustard right out. What he does, he sprays the mustard. I begin to suck it up, but it never gets out. Thankfully, he put them away before they noticed. I feel that way about all warranties. Every warranty, I feel like they have some actuary who's figured out that they're selling me a $1,000 thing because they know it'll have less than that in repairs.

It's about how many people... You're a million percent right. And the thing that Kyle is saying, hey... I'm sorry. Kyle is saying, hey, if you take advantage of the warranty, it's actually become a better deal. The trouble is, I feel like I don't. I bought warranties on a handful of furniture.

And even though I think not long ago our couch dog peter something that so i call him up like hey we got the full warranty they're like oh this isn't really the number you need to call this other person you need to work with the salesman who sold it to you doesn't work here anymore and there's this run around that we eventually found was like more of a pain in the ass than like steam cleaning the couch yeah i've used uh i've definitely used apple care that is an exception yeah um and i've used i've used warranties on like expensive electrical stuff but the thing that you're not thinking of with insurance and warranties and stuff like that the other calculation they do is investing the money like if they break even on all

of it they still made depending on what they invest in, 5% to 10%. Or you could have. What? Or you could have. That same time value of money applies to your money, too. Right. The idea, like when my ex was a parallel parker that would sometimes ding car. So, like on that, fucking i feel you bro no so yeah so

depends on like your peace of mind also and insurance in general like my health insurance i get health insurance with a high deductible because my health insurance is not there for when i get sick it's there in case of catastrophe. The only reason I want it is because in case I have to go to a hospital and they charge you $300,000 for whatever the fuck it is, I want that to be covered. I don't care if I spent $1,200 a year

on doctors or $3,000 or whatever when I could have only spent $2,500. I don't give a fuck about that. I give a fuck about what happens if I am stuck in a hospital for a year. Yes. Depends on how you drive.

Yeah, yeah. We don't do that. We have a lot of insurance, but I think we should do what you do. It's just... And also, for car insurance, I make sure that I have a deductible or I have something that covers glass because the only thing i've ever had to do is you know

aside from like an accident 10 years ago like on a daily basic you know the the basis of owning a car is fucking chips on the windshield all the time someone kicks up a fucking rock get a chip in the windshield that's covered so if that's we get that covered too we get that covered too yeah if as long as you have something that covers that like the rest of the shit you're not gonna fix if someone scratched you with a shopping cart you're not gonna fucking take your car in for that but if you don't fix the chip in the windshield the whole thing's gonna crack so you have to so yeah i want to say the thing for the windshield costs like 150 to 300 somewhere in there you can negotiate of course and they would actually

handle that shit because i had a customer come in once and they was like yep fucking chipping the windshield let's go and they were like fuck you actually came back huh yep i do that and they had to call like the glass repair people and they came out there and you know they inject it with the epoxy or whatever the fuck they do and repair the whole glass people the thing is a new windshield is nice and it's not that expensive you know like instead of 150 up front that you may or may not use you pay 300 on the back end when you do need it and then you get your new windshield and you're like oh my god i didn't realize how much i'd love a new windshield i can't believe i put off getting

a new windshield for so long although it was. I know glass was going to be different for different cars, but I want to say mine was $500 or $600 installed. They can get pretty pricey. I mean, I've put, you know, some years on the road, I've put, you know, 40,000, 50,000 miles on. So you're going to get, and also a lot of highway driving, you're going to get trucks kicking up chips. And so, like, it's an important thing to be able to have especially because i have to cover it on the rental car because i that's that's the fucking scam that rental car insurance is bullshit because if you have a decent credit card you're covered yep if you have a decent credit card your deductible is gonna be like 25 dollars

yep yeah i i used to work at a rental car place, and I remember they would train us to combat the credit card response, where they'd be like, some people will say that their American Express covers their rental insurance. And then after doing a little bit of cursory research, even writing to people, I was like, oh, well, it does. It just does. There's no reason for them to buy anything else. And what you really don't want to do, don't use that MasterCard or Amex insurance. That's going to make your rate go up more than your insurance would because they'll try and fool you at rental car places and be like, well, your insurance might not cover this car. And it's like, no, it does. Unless you buy the most bullshit liability only insurance you're fucking fine in a rental car i got a rental car here four days ago and my

girlfriend booked it all and she was like hey fox rental car has the cheapest rates and i was like oh i know fox because we all you know when i worked at a rental car place in the airport we all saw the other fucking stands and fox is full of degenerates and shitty cars and i was like whatever can't be that bad we'll get a fox car we get we have a mitsubishi uh road shaker i guess i don't know what the name of it is but i know that if you go above 65 miles an hour, this thing trembles. Absolutely trembles. It's the opposite of a lot of speed. Yeah, it's terrible.

And it is a rental car. It's a rental car with 34,000 miles. And that may not sound like a lot, but if you work in the rental industry, a 34,000 mile car is like meeting a 30 year old dog. It doesn't exist. It's like a 45 year old prostitute. It's as shitty as it is right now.

It's a 45 year old prostitute. A 25 year old dog. Those are hard miles. What happens if you put a reverse on a highway? Well, and now everyone only one car into i'll be like why does it drive so shitty and then i'll be like oh wait i know why because i used to drive these and you whip them around like you're mad at them like most of the time the other thing if i can give anybody renting a car advice never fucking get the uh the gas never

like in in order for that math to work you have to return that car bone dry you have to push it into the lot in order to make your money on that that yeah never prepay your gas make sure if you're going with a skeevy rental company you take account of all the little tiny nicks and dings on the car prior like if you're going through like hertz or enterprise or one of the big ones like that they're not going to hold your feet that's my biggest one bring it back full of gas because if you make them fill it up they're going to charge you like they're going to charge you the same price it costs to get drag race racing fuel that i used to buy back in the day you can buy 110 octane gas racing fuel cheaper than what they've got over at fucking the rental car place name one car max or whatever i remember i remember

people coming back into the return line when i worked at the airport and they would forget to fill up and i would like go and check the gas and the mileage and everything with a little handheld return thing and then i would like enter in they'd be like oh man i'm so sorry we forgot to get the gas and i was like oh it's okay i'll tell you how much it is now and it would be like almost like a quarter tank and like before i would hit enter it would be like 95 charge for gas and i'd be like no back it up let's say that it's three quarters full i feel like a crook doing this and i would just i would just retroactively change it for them i wish i'd been the one with my hands on the scale sometimes i do like a little below a quarter i get a little cheap on the full tank thing because you know you fill a tank and

it hits the f then you can fit like three more gallons in there sometimes, depending on the car or truck. But all I need to do is fill it enough so that we can agree it's near the F. I can save myself $6. I would always take the side of the person. I'd be the one guy lowering a fucking string down in there. Full means I can see it from the fill spout.

A little bit of kerosene mixed in there. He's getting cheap on us. Yeah, the other trick I would do is do is sorry my camera battery ran out and defaulted to a weird white angle but the uh the other trick that i would always do is you fill it up about 20 miles from the airport because yes it's still it still shows full yep and like if they're gonna gouge you so much on this shit I have no problem taking a gallon of gas from them yeah that's similar to my tip the amount of fucking times

what Taylor was saying about how they're trained the amount of times that they'll say to you like well which insurance do you want not like do you want the car rental insurance but like as if you have a choice of like do you want the basic or do you want the advanced and insurance but like as if you have a choice of like do you want the basic or do you want the advanced and it's like i want the none oh god i'm just telling you

pro tip steve you want a free upgrade into anything you want book something little and then tell whatever agent there that you'll buy roadside assistance protection if they will give you a free upgrade because they'll get credit for the sale and you get a free upgrade oh i got a i got a much better way of doing it go for it i actually i actually practice my acting in this in this environment like i've decided what i do i book an economy every time and i get i get to the counter and first of all i don't book with fox because you try to pull this shit with like Fox or dollar or budget. They'll just be like, we don't give a fuck. We hate our jobs.

We're putting you in a bicycle. No, they might mug you. Yeah. If you rent with a reputable company, you know, they're like, I think there are five reputable companies. If you rent with any of them. So I get to the counter. I have an economy. And I just say to them, I go, what size did they book me in?

I booked my own thing. But I just say they as if it's a company. They say, oh, it's an economy and i just say to them i go uh what size did they book me in i booked my own thing but i just say they is if it's a company they say oh it's an economy i go oh my god again of all things today first the flight's delayed then my luggage now fucking economy car you gotta be kidding me and every fucking time it is literally every time it's worked sometimes you know sometimes they'll go okay compact sometimes they'll go like mid-size i've had them give me a convertible they're just like ah having a rough day let me help them out sometimes and a lot of the time they're just giving you something that's left like left over if someone asks for an upgrade it's like hey we got this fucking

40 000 mile mustang convertible that nobody wants. Throw it to that guy. Tell him it's a free upgrade. Like that's usually how it goes. An easier way to get discounts is you go up there, just like Steve said, you book your own car and then you get up there and you say, I'm here with Pepsi corporate or with, with any corporate account.

I'm here with Monsanto. I'm here with Pepsi. I'm here with Coke. And if they say, I don't see the, the discount corporate code put in there you just go of course again can you go in the back and find out i don't remember the letters and then what they'll do is they'll go in the back they'll figure out the corporate code come out to whatever corporation you said you work from type that in and then suddenly you're paying a third of the price because they have corporate

you know that works that'll actually work oh yeah yeah that'll work my favorite uh dumb rental car salesman moment was uh i rented a car i rent and it was uh they gave me a convertible and um i go out i put my luggage in it and i go to start the car and it's got like a little rumble to it I was like ah fuck I'm not gonna drive 8 hours on this shit so I flag the salesman over and I go hey this car the engine is rumbling already and he listens and he's like

oh yeah that's a problem okay we'll head in and I was like is it possible to just switch it out I have all my luggage here already you know and I had like a bunch of bags it was the beginning of a long trip and i had already put him in the car and uh i was like can you just switch it out and he goes oh no it's fine don't worry and he takes the keys and he like locks the car and i just look at him and i look back at the car because it's convertible and i just take the bags out of the car he just lost like what are you what how would this what the fuck what the fuck

is that about yeah yeah the whole rental car industry is is ridiculous they let their employees do whatever they want with pricing it's don't buy shit from them my advice and oh i never buy anyone who buys a rental car i'm just like are you fucking insane like you're gonna you're gonna buy a car that people because when i drive a rental car i don't give a fuck about the transmission i don't i don't like slowly press the gas because i know that over the course of years that wears it down and by now imagine being an employee and that's how they whip them around and drive them if you're buying a car max and you notice they have like 14 of the same car that you might be interested in it came from a rental place that's where they get them they just got a bunch of them

those are all rentals that's why if you get a rental car like a used one with less than 10 000 miles it's probably not bad at all because like reputable companies like hertz enterprise whatever like they have liability issues if they don't get all of the maintenance done on those you buy a rental car at 30 000 miles good fucking luck that thing has been fucked in it has been fought in it has every bit of debauchery has occurred in that honda you're about to purchase i don't know what to say i bought this used car now i'm pregnant i think it was semen on the seat should have got the perma plate oh man that's funny oh your favorite uh viking show is back on the air woody uh norseman the

comedy oh yeah season three is on netflix thanks for telling me that i've been looking yeah i i don't know i'm i actually have no words i uh finished avatar last airbender because it's been big on reddit i was like maybe i'll like this i liked it but i don't have a show right now so yeah uh you know it's only six episodes but every season has been six episodes uh it's a prequel though it sort of shows you what's happened before season one even give it a chance yeah i don't mind it it's like background information that you didn't have so it's you know i'm digging it yeah yeah let's uh wrap up i know taylor's on vacation he's got family and friends there that he needs to get back to thank you leaving earlier uh this evening

he wants to be able to say goodbye to them so um let's uh let's get this thing knocked out steve where can everybody find your stuff uh so the sign i'm in front of is Nowhere Comedy Club. I perform full sets there as well as I do a show with Daniel Muggleton, who's an Australian comedian called Ask Us Anything. We do that every week and where it's a it's a 90 minute of ad lib where people participate. If you want to see live comedy, whether it's me or someone else, we've had we've had Nikki Glaser and the Sklar brothers and Todd Barry and Greg Proops so just nowhere comedy club.com so check that out awesome cool and I do a free live stream I do a free live stream four days a week on my YouTube so just

YouTube slash the Hofstetter hell yeah all right any outros no no outros we are all good PKA 501