Painkiller Already - PKA 518 Kyle's Surprise Probation Visit, Taylor's Embarrassing Story, Giuliani Melts

Episode Date: November 25, 2020

Painkiller Ready, episode 518. Taylor? Just the boys tonight. This episode of PK is brought to you by Goat.com and SmartMouth. We'll talk about them a little later. So what's been new in the last six days? Caffeine pills kicking in? Is it? That's good. It was only maybe six minutes ago you were panicked that it wasn't going to work. Yeah, it just popped right then. As you were doing the thing, I was like, oh.

Do you take so much caffeine eventually it's you're like chasing that dragon like a heroin addict eventually you're gonna pop a couple caffeine pills and you're gonna be shocked when nothing happens and then you're gonna have to escalate and you know how devastating people's lives and families when caffeine addiction takes hold yeah i'm gonna start cracking those capsules open because they're like gel capsules you could just crack them right open And just start doing lines of caffeine Just snort it

What happens if you get addicted to caffeine? You get cranky and a headache? Absolutely nothing Everyone's addicted to caffeine that uses caffeine It's an addictive substance Can you take caffeine anally? Yeah, nicotine's a terrible example Two birds with one stone

Alkohol is addictive. A coffee enema is an injection of coffee into the rectum and colon via the anus as an enema. There is no medical or scientific evidence to support any positive health claim for this practice. There's just some German guy with a fetish. I can't believe it took off. And they're actually doing it. It was a joke. I thought maybe we'll see if we get them to do it did you know suzanne summers spread eagle

you know what's funny about coffee enemas you know because like warning labels on everything it just seems like americans in general like the average person not even americans the average person is an absolute dolt someone has said oh yeah coffee enema i'm gonna try that that's the new trendy thing and they shot it up their ass hot you know they did it you know they did it you know someone who did a coffee enema but not hot elena from sailing oh that's wrong elena yeah she did a video about it and she did her coffee enema and i'm like that is it's this balance between so hot and so not hot right like there's nothing about it that's hot after i saw the person who did it it's all it's all not hot okay that part's fair but

the rest of it's pretty fucking so you do you even get benefit of caffeine through your asshole i think so because you absorb everything else in there you know like like like those people who put alcohol in their assholes, apparently. You know, it bypasses the liver. It goes straight into, like, the blood, whatever, the blood something else barrier. The blood-ass barrier. The blood-ass barrier, as it's known scientifically. There's the blood-brain barrier, then the blood-ass barrier.

That's what I was looking for, the blood-brain barrier. It goes straight into the bloodstream. I don't know if caffeine does that. I would imagine it does, but obviously alcohol does. We all know that. Yeah. But there is uh i don't know if caffeine does that i would imagine it does but obviously alcohol does we all know that yeah but there is i don't know the science behind it but apparently that's very bad for you to put alcohol directly into your asshole why is the only reason i've ever heard that it's bad for you is because um um you could easily like get alcohol alcohol poisoning very rapidly because there is no digestion of the alcohol. It's just like, boom, it's going straight into your system.

But if you gauge it out, it's zero-calorie drunk. Holy shit, you're right. Yeah. Yeah. This is another good thing, another good idea. I don't know how we market this. It's just a soft soft tipped injection syringe yeah yeah with with either of our three faces on it not it throw mine on there i don't care

it says here that coffee enemas cure cancer now there's no scientific evidence back what website uh well wikipedia is is saying that there's no scientific proof, but it cures cancer. And Gwyneth Paltrow's company promotes coffee enema kits. Oh, fuck goop. Fuck her and her stupid fucking company. Yeah, her pussy candles, which we, remember

we looked into that and it turned out that it didn't even smell like a pussy. It was like, well, I imagine my pussy smells like sandalwood. And it's like, then you're retarded.arded wait is that how it went i i remember it backwards but i'm not sure i'm right i thought it was supposed to be something else and it actually smelled like pussy do i have it backwards you know yeah it was backwards it was supposed to she was like this is my cunt candle and you get it and it's like fucking sandalwood like taylor said yeah i don't even think i think we thought initially there was like a small drop

of like pussy juice or fragrance in there. And then I think we all realized like that's absurd. She's just like, she's just fucking flicking the bean like all day, just filling tankards

of squirt to be used in these candles. It's like how it's made. After the candles are processed, they're sent down the line. And then she's just slicking because they're all going under there. Gwyneth Paltrow provides a luscious coat of sandalwood pussy juice. Yeah, that's gross.

Yeah. I've never thought she's all that attractive. Like, she's got a very pretty face. Like, she's very aesthetically pretty. But, like, she's just one of those string bean women that were hot in the 90s. And by hot, I mean that was the... We talked about this three shows ago, but the aesthetic of the 90s was that sort of emaciated, no boobs, no butt, just skinny, rib-showing body. Yeah, that was the aesthetic of the 90s.

And they didn't appreciate a banging ass when I was a teenager. No. True. And I don't understand it. I feel like the black people have been way and latin people have been ahead of us trendsetters she's 48 you were right not buying a 48 year old bitch's pussy candle you were turning 11 no that one that one uh girl who sells the bath water when we talked about that a while back? Oh, yeah. Belle Delphine.

See? She probably made a ton of money selling bathwater. She was on a podcast recently, that Penguin guy. I don't watch a lot of YouTube, so forgive me. For all I know, he's the most popular YouTuber in the world. But anyway. Penguin guy. I don't know.

And I didn't know she was British. She's got like a really cute little British accent. But yeah, if you want to see all of her like nude, sort of nudes, there's a subreddit for that. It's the Belle Delphine Patreon subreddit. There's also Belle Delphine Nudes. That's the sister Patreon or Discord. God damn it.

Subreddit. A little too much caffeine, I think. I took two. You're going to be charged charged it's 400 milligrams so is which one's which one's dirtier nudes or lewds i don't know where to look um so the bell delphine patreon subreddit as the most content and the most users you get like updates as soon as she uploads something to her uh only, only fans, you get it. It's a, it's really quick. Um,

but in case you don't remember, um, you know, she's that, she's the one who like goes right to the edge of showing nipples and vagina, but no further. Like you can see her like banging herself with a dildo or using vibrators. And you just see,

like you'd like, you see vagina, like from a, from around the, the, the curvature of vibrators and you just see like you like you see vagina like from a from around the the the curvature of the earth you know like it's like you can see you know when the sun is rising there's pussy on the horizon yeah you can kind of see it the sun's rising and the light is kind of like glowing over there but you still can't see the sun itself that's what that's how much for pussy you see and the same with her nipples. You'll be like, yeah. And every time they get three pixels of nipple or butthole,

they're just like, we did it, boy! We got her! And everybody freaks the fuck out over there. And that's what's made her so popular. It was the... The end part. I'm looking at a picture of her right now. She has two fingers covering her labia And two fingers covering her bunghole

And Does that make this safe for work? Probably not, I'm not going to risk it Definitely don't show that on YouTube There's definitely some on there that you can show Just to show that like, a lot of people like People don't like when someone gets too popular And they don't like when someone's popular for

Like something that they think anyone can do So people like hate on this chick a lot but you gotta admit she's really fucking cute like i mean i i don't get why people hate on her she's making a ton of money making a shitload of money like like here's a cute entrepreneur who who shows you almost vagina like how could you hate on her you have to know that like people in the porn industry are probably like this is bullshit oh yeah i've been showing pussy and tits since i've been getting my asshole railed so hard for so long that when i shit it just rolls out of me and she's making 130 grand i'm making up a number right here a month on patreon or whatever you're right i've seen i've been scrolling and i've looked at probably 60 pictures of her now

and it is everything but right she is here fully naked sitting on a dildo but the like penetration is covered by a heart and her hair is covering her boobs like you can see she's doing like porn stuff like she's right there solo porn stuff and uh but she's you just never get exactly what you're hoping for yeah she had one recently or not kind of recently where she's like it's like a 45 degree angle or 90 degree angle or whatever like from the side and she's getting fucked with like uh like like one of those fuck machines but you can't see anything but you can totally see that you know she's being fucked but yeah she's happening but you can't see yeah you know what's happening but you don't get to see it and uh that's what keeps them coming back but why pay or i guess that's why you're right they're

paying for a tease they like the the mystery a couple pictures where you know the mound of venus you guys heard that term before there's another term for it to a pubis um monday pubis the the clam crest clam crest that's it that's what i was searching for in the medical community pubis that's what it is um yeah so you've seen that but not quite the divide in the lips right just the mons pubis yeah she's everything but and a while back um i want to say she was like holding the dildo or whatever like near her vagina and it was what was like hiding her vagina oh i think i think she had a butt plug like a glass butt plug and you know like light refracture in a semi-transparent piece of glass so they're

like they're like enhance enhance enhance and they're like ladies and gentlemen we got her like because like there's this upside down and reversed image through this like piece of crystal that is her vagina and it's just like it was top it was it was like the top hot thing on on that subreddit for like months it would just get reposted over and over and over. Did someone on like 4chan. Do like a reverse refractory of the light. To try and. The people on the subreddit did. Yeah. They did that?

Yeah they've done it. Yeah. I used to love that on. Do you remember that old post on 4chan. I think it was like on Fit. And it was some dude that was absolutely shredded. Like just out of his mind ripped. But he was standing by a doorknob.

And he had claimed that he was like 5'8 1⁄2", and he was like, I'm not going to say I'm tall. I'm not a liar. 5'8 1⁄2", and some dude did college-level geometry to draw lines, and he's like, the average height of a doorknob in the United States is blah, blah, blah, blah, and then did it, and he's like, based on this evidence,

ladies and gentlemen, he's no taller than 5'2". Pack it up. And it's like, this is... It was funny, though. That doorknob was like, good lord. It's like your sternum. It's just a big door. Speaking of subreddits,

I have a new subreddit for you guys. Kyle's subreddit of the week. This one's very niche. I like it. The issue is that it's not always not safe for work. I wish there was a version of this subreddit of the week. This one's very niche, okay? Now, I like it. The issue is that it's not always not safe for work. I wish there was a version of this subreddit that was only not safe for work. But you've got to filter through the funny stuff to find the dirty stuff. And it's Mirrors for Sale. This is my subreddit of the week.

Over on Mirrors for Sale, it's exactly what you might think it is. It's people selling mirrors. Top of the sale. It's exactly what you might think it is. It's people selling mirrors. Well, let's see what we got. Well, whenever you're taking a picture of something you're selling, I mean, you're,

whenever you're selling something, you take a picture of it. And so people are accidentally catching themselves in the reflection. Now I bet on top all, it's a lot of people who are like leaning into that subreddit and like making funny reflections of themselves on purpose. But what I like to do is dig deep and

find like the hot chicks who were trying to sell like a fuck it's not just mirrors sometimes it's anything reflective so televisions irons fucking cars this is the first really funny one that's safe for work the iron oh that the one above it's good too oh I see his dick

oh I didn't notice the dick in this one you went above one yeah on the scale that one is something but I The iron? Oh, the one above it's been tuned. Oh, I see his dick. Oh, I didn't notice the dick in this one. You went above one. Yeah, on the scale, that one is something. But I can't show that. I can show this one on the iron, though. That's pretty funny. It's like this old man in the guitar. I see his cock.

You didn't notice the cock? He must not have clicked on it. Oh. Lost a bit of weight since Christmas, Taylor. Check that one out. Oh, I've seen that one. And the guy goes, how the fuck do you delay to tweet? Yeah, you can't.

Man, that is just a terrible. That's the least flattering he could look. What is this one with the shower? I don't see what they're referring to. It's one of those those when you see it yeah what's i want to show it to chat or chat i always call them that the the viewers but i don't see the point of it yet and i'm afraid that once i discover it it's going to be a naked person. This is tough. What's here? All right.

Wait. The handle and bathtub spigot thing are reflective. Is that it? Let's see. Let's see if we can go down far enough. I don't see a penis down there. I just see a leg. Maybe a guy wearing shorts. I give up. a penis down there. I just see a leg. Maybe a guy wearing shorts. I give up.

This is too hard. I think the trick is there's nothing. Is the only thing is that there's nothing there? Yeah. I think the magic in this one is somehow they took a picture of a mirror without being in it. That's not even a naked person. That's stupid. But yeah, I like that one a lot um i had another one but i forgot it already i'm gonna start writing them down and uh but yeah reddit's

all is full of so many interesting little weird groups of people i saw one a while back where it was someone else's post and they were talking about how like they wanted to fuck toasters and they'd always been ashamed of the fact that they want to fuck toasters. That's like their kink. And that can't be real. And they went on Reddit and they looked and they found a community of well over a thousand others who are also into fucking toasters and want to fuck toasters. And now they're like, life ruined. How would you fuck a toaster? I mean, obviously it would have to be off.

Very carefully. And it's made of metal, so you know, not a lot of stretch and give there. It's going to be a very uncomfortable fuck. Like zero stretch and give. Yeah, I'm going to go, I'm going to say closer to zero than any. Yeah. Because it is made of metal. And the dick is made of flesh.

Well, metal stretches. Metal bends. Yeah. As opposed to if you get it hot enough. Really hard dick. Yeah, you get it hard enough. Your dick is just... No, you get the toaster hot enough.

Then it'll bend. Oh. You know you're done when you hear that sizzling sound. See, that's the thing. I refuse to believe that's a real one maybe there's like four guys out there who really liked the brave little toaster but other than that

who it's just a bunch of people playing into it like the real or maybe you'll prove me wrong like the real ones that are absurd like the inflation like furry stuff like there's enough there's a critical mass of them. It's like, okay, that's, a lot of people actually are doing this. Toaster fucking, I've never seen that anywhere.

So the subreddit, there's a couple of subreddits. One of them's called Toaster Fuckers. And the other one's called Toaster Fucking. They have very few members though. So I may have been, I may have been. How They have very few members, though. So I may have been. I may have been. How many is very few? Like 122.

Even 122 is more toaster fuckers than I thought. See, but you can tell they're fake because no one actually has their penis in a toaster. Top all time. Did you see mine? No, no, I didn't see your post. It's in a George Foreman grill. Jackie comes down before dinner. Jackie, get out of the kitchen!

What? Nothing, I just need to be alone. You can never look at your wife again. No, no, wait. It's alright, Jackie. You walked in, you gotta finish. We, no. It's all right, Jackie. You walked in. You got to finish. We have rules.

That's a funny rule. The smell. The smell, Woody. Think of the smell, you bitch. But when was the last time that was put into effect? This year. We were stroking? Yeah.

What was the scenario? Just what you said. Because the rule was originated this way. I felt like she got a kick out of catching me, right? It was like, oh, like creeping up on me and stuff. And it's like, woman, you know, like, you knew what you were walking into. And it was something she thought was funny. And it's like, well, now, if you know, then

you have to participate. You know what you're getting into. Either leave me alone or join in. Where are you jacking off that you're being caught? I don't want to tell you. Everywhere. Middle of the kitchen. He hears her coming upstairs to bring him some soup.

Oh, you got me again! He dicks 40% hard. You're just, oh. I think he has a problem. He's just always going at it. Every time I walk in the room. Woody, you're just squeezing the base. It doesn't count.

You weren't fully torqued when we came in. You're trying to fake it. You obviously just did this. Yeah, that's an interesting rule it's a solid rule everyone should invoke it like kyle maybe you're the same way if you're jacking off and there's someone that could find you that you don't want to find you you're a kid for example you're a kid jacking off and mom or dad are out there but the deed's got to get done because you're 14 and hormones are raging you have the the hearing of us of super all of your traits are augmented to

the point that like if if a cricket chirps louder than average it's just take a second listen for footsteps even the slightest footballs in the kitchen i can hear the ice machine downstairs all right i can get a few more cranks. Like, you're so wrapped up and making sure. Like, I was never caught, I don't think. Unless I blacked out. No, this isn't true. When he's not on the call, he told me that 14-year-old Taylor had that rule in his house.

Oh, God. Dad, you know the rules. Sorry, everyone. You better take care of business. dad you know the rules sorry everyone i think we gotta really start thinking about sending him that special school sucks to be little brother but you walked in on me yeah i i like kyle you were the same way right you that yeah perfect hearing perfect vision yeah i'm like the fucking daredevil in there like i can i can sense the fucking like i'm echo locating at that point like i'm not

getting caught yeah secret jacking not a bad superpower not bad at all yeah you don't have a superhero power you just have to be a 14 year old who's not deaf then you can you can survive you can make it through your whole teens not get caught yeah i've never been caught i've i've i uh i caught a girlfriend once um i uh i left her house to head back home and then like two miles down the road i was like nah i'm gonna stay another day i'm like turn around and go back caught her in the bed and i was like ha ha have you ever heard of woody's rule now that may not sound right but you still have to finish me that's how it

works for you you do not get to get off and you actually have to go pick up dinner yeah these are solid rule sets I approve yeah they're like Gordon Ramsay rules Gordon I love Gordon Ramsay shows I've been watching Hell's Kitchen on Twitch a little bit I watched like five hours of it last night. Just really liking it.

Taylor Merck on Twitch. Been having a lot of fun over there. But Gordon Ramsay will lay out the rules for his competitions where he's like, you're going to cook breakfast, traditional, continental, beautiful. And one team will be eliminated. You'll vote for someone. They'll come up and I'll choose between the teams

because there's red and blue team, guys girls you know who's eliminated and like within i think it's 11 minutes of the show he's breaking all his own rules and like doing sneaky things where he's like i've decided you're all eliminated and it's like what you can't do this just just randomly just you're out he someone burned there was some some guy who couldn't cook the cod right. He was panicking. And he burned so many pieces of cod that Gordon's like, we're waiting on the fucking cod. And the guy's like, we're out of cod. And he's like, what do you mean you're fucking out of cod?

You burned all the fucking cod. Listen to me. Listen to me. Get out! He screamed at him and he made him leave and he's like i've never had a contestant burn all of an ingredient like just like hands him a fishing rod like oh and there's like competitions that don't make sense he's like none of you can figure out how to cook scallops and so you must dig in this five ton pile of ice and find the 40 scallops and then

cook them perfect and these are like morbidly obese chefs like they're really struggling they're all smokers in the sun a hundred percent of them are smokers there's there's one woman on there who's 27 it's claimed she's 27 but it's the oldest looking 27 year old i bet she's 6'1 a cool 550 just that's a full-size woman and she's so much bigger than all the other women that she just like domineers over them and like one of the other women on team is just like nobody you fucked up the sky the scallops don't get mad at me because you weigh five million pounds she said that yeah she said that's a big move 2011 reality shows way better way better they i have watched every season of uh of that show it's

what's it called again it's uh hell's kitchen hell's kitchen it's tremendous this is the first time i remember watching it dude i fucking love it i fucking love it i i've watched every seasons i i i'll tell you what i do though and it makes the episodes better for me i fast forward through all the competitions i only want to see them cook i I don't care about when they're out there in kayaks. They do a lot of physical-ish competitions. Even if it's just cook this and then you have to balance it on a board and run over

there or something like that. It's so ridiculous when the fat people start trying to compete. It's clear that they're handicapped, essentially. They can't do this shit. It's just comical. I don't like any of that, though. I just want to see them cook.

It's funny to watch them in the physical challenges. And watching them argue with each other, that's entertaining. I like that. I like when they argue. I like when he tears them down. I like watching them cook. Even if they do a good job at the cooking, I like that. Because I like cooking shows.

I like learning technique. I don't know why they're having such a hard time with the scallops i can find do you remember what i'm talking about they could not it was two full episodes of these fuckers not being able to figure out scallops and uh there was there's there's only one time that jumped out at me watching it that it was clearly gordon trying to just amp it up for no reason about the food it was some guy named like lu Calamazza, or something. He's this big fat Italian guy. And he's just like, my dad has been feeding me prosciutto since I was born, you know? And he's like, I'm taking the New York style slice. I can make that for sure. He makes it and it's like a little bit floppy, just exactly like New York

style is a little floppy. It's not extra crisp. And like, he brings it over there. He's so proud they show the plate on the screen. And I'm now this is a delicious new york style pizza a little bit of flop but still crisp on the back end nice and good and gordon goes what the fuck is this this is not new york style crisp pizza take throw it and he throws away this delicious pizza and this fat italian guy's just like but but i know. I know that was right. Or he'll make them fail on purpose. Like, he'll pick it up by the crust and let all the toppings slide off. Like, your toppings weren't glued on.

And it's just like, well, of course they weren't. You're supposed to, like, you know, like, get this thing and, like, fold it together and then eat it. Like, you just made them fail on purpose. I want to see someone Alpha Ramsey, right? He should be like, what? Impossible. Impossible. He's too Alpha, what? Impossible. Impossible. He's too Alpha.

He's ready to fight. If you're a New York chef, then you can say, no, you fucking limey Brit. This is what a New York pizza is. Welcome to my world. You don't tell me what a pizza is from New York. Maybe you know London pizza. You're being screamed over three words in. He goes bananas and one one guy he got mad at some guy and the guy goes all right all right baby i'll get it right next time he goes

did you just fucking call me baby you out and just he'll just it's the middle of dinner service and like at one point he there's like eight people on each team he kicked out six people from the team two left and they're running around trying to do it but the pots and pans didn't leave just the people who were tending them so now these two people have to run around herding cats like oh god like like stirring eggs and flopping fucking flambe and it's ridiculous and the side that loses like it it doesn't it goes i was gonna say borderline fear No, straight up to fear factor sometimes. The boys team lost the scallop challenge. And he was like, you fucked up.

More scallops. We could have fed the restaurant twice, you dimwits. Or whatever he said. And he's like, so you will all be drinking scallop shakes. We've taken the scallops you overcooked and ruined last night. Liquefied them. Enjoy. And then, and like they all had to do that

and the fat guy on the team helped out he like helped out with some other people you know eating it and everything drinking it the same way this fat bitch on the woman's team it really showed the value in having a fat person on your team they the women's team when they lost they had to eat a bunch of testicles and all the women were being complete baby bag bitches about it they're like just cooked it probably just tastes like meat pretty bland though didn't look seasoned but whatever and all of the women were like taking like half pieces and doing like the fat bitch is like that's six and she's like she is powering through this plate of testicles like i'm i'm pretty sure they'd ask her to stop because of the challenge. It wasn't one person doing it,

but yeah, I think she ate eight, nine testicles. I like her now. I'm a little scared, but I like her in general. Yeah, I like her too. The thing about Ramsey, I've never seen him back down. He's ready to fight. He's willing to fight if it comes to it.

I'm not saying he's a badass or that he's going to win the fight. He's a total badass. But he's willing to fight if it comes to it. I'm not saying he's a badass or that he's going to win the fight. He's a total badass. But he's down to fight. Badass implies to me that he's a fighter. I'm not saying that. No, you're not. Taylor did.

I want to have Colby Covington compete on the show and see how that goes. He would hit Gordon Ramsey. Gordon Ramsey would sue him. And Colby would be fighting for Gordon Ramsey for the next three years. Okay, I want that. Or Gordon would be too quick with the sharpened knife. Quick, quick, shing, shing, shing, shing, shing, shing. Now, if you give Gordon Ramsey the knife, I'm going with Gordon Ramsey every time.

Do you really think a regular guy... I really think Gordon Ramsey with a knife beats up Colby Covington, yes. Really? Colby Covington comes at him before he knows both of Colby's nipples are perfectly cut in Gordon's palm. 30 seconds each side. This figure's a dice. Perfection. One flip, and it's done.

I hadn't really considered Gordon Ramsay is a knife expert, right? I think of him as an old white guy, is what he also is he's fit too he's really fit he takes every opportunity as i've said before to show off the bod but he's british fit the other guy is colby covington yeah but but the other guy has a razor sharp japanese knife yeah that's true and well does colby know how to cook because he won't even be in the competition long enough to get in a fight i bet he eats like chicken breast and broccoli for a living or something he's a fighter probably yeah yeah like boring bland but very nutritious food yeah so i've been loving that show i thought for the longest time that i had seen a bunch of that

before because like in my head hell's kitchen and kitchen nightmares got like bled together and i was like oh yeah hell's kitchen where he makes fun of the fucking restaurants or whatever if you can find um if i don't know if you're able to watch it on your twitch streams but you can go really far back and you can watch marco pierre white and he's the guy who trained gordon ramsey he was the original celebrity chef and uh you can watch him and he is crazier than Gordon. Like, he's actually got, like, a personality disorder. Like, he's not putting on a show. Like, he's chopping vegetables, and, like, BBC Three is there, like, filming him chop the vegetables.

And they're like, well, you know, do you find that this and that works well in the kitchen? And he just goes, yes, as he's chopping. Well, you know, it's a big dinner service tonight. Are you excited? A lot of celebrities coming in. Yes. And, like, four questions in a row, as he's chopping. Well, you know, it's big dinner service tonight. Are you excited? A lot of celebrities coming in. Yes.

And like four questions in a row, just yes or no. And they go, you know, Marco, we're really trying to make a show here. And he's like, what would you like me to do? What would you like me to do? Would you like me to cut myself? I will. Say the word. I'll cut myself.

Would that be a nice show for you if I cut myself? And he's like waving this knife around with his bug eyes. I'll cut myself. This is like waving this knife around with these bug eyes you know i'll cut myself this is good keep going they're like this is exactly what we were looking for and gordon is working in the background just sweating his ass off he's the one one like running and like like like you know doing the bidding of marco pierre white who's super accomplished chef i think he's the only one who's ever given back his Michelin stars. He didn't want them. He's a whore for Knorr stockpots

now. It's like an online meme. Every video he does, he's making this incredibly delicious meal, but instead of doing the traditional thing, he's like, and the secret is a Knorr vegetable stock pot. And he's like,

like cracks this like plastic container open and peels the lid off. And the groups that help much pots and pans, um, pans, maybe like frying pans. And it's really about, um, heat retention and,

uh, and, uh, distribution and, you know, cooking things evenly and uh and uh distribution and you know cooking things evenly and uh if you're if you're doing a lot of uh flipping you know taking a pan off of the heat it really does lose a ton of heat rapidly if it's a cheap thin pan so i think that's really where you're you know pans are doing well pans i can see but pots where. But pots, where you're making soup or boiling eggs or whatever it is you do with pots, like spaghetti sauce. It seems like the pot's not the key to it. Yeah, I don't think the pot matters at all.

I have cheap pots and expensive pans. All right, then. Hey, you were telling us before the show started that you got a surprise visit? Yeah, yeah. So my probation officer showed up randomly like yesterday, I think. I think it was yesterday. And he had called me and he had also emailed me, but I didn't see either. The call was like a number I didn't know.

And we were playing zombies. So I was just like, screen. And I didn't check my email for like a day and so i missed it but um he just showed up and had his you know piss test in his hand like aha i knew it was him because he introduced himself because i'd never seen him before i thought i had a i could have sworn i had a female um officer like and i'd never seen her either so like i started with this one guy pre-trial and while i was in prison he got promoted to like regional manager or assistant to the regional manager i'm

not sure which and uh and so when i got out he assigned me to this other guy this young guy and uh but that guy only dealt with like more high risk people not people who had half an ounce of marijuana one time i think he's dealing with like actual fucking hardened criminals and like violent criminals so he's like i'm gonna bump you down to this this girl who's just started and i'm like ah all right cool and i have literally never seen her i was there i was there doing a piss test one day and um you have to have a male officer obviously look at your dick so you know so my female officer wouldn't be the one to come into the bathroom with me and uh and so the high

risk guy he goes in the bathroom with me we do the piss test and everything and on the way out he like kind of yells down the hallway and into a door hey uh diane do you need to see him for anything and i just hear no and he's all right, you're good to go. That's the only contact I've ever had with her. And so I assumed that I had a female officer, but I haven't had any contact with them other than like, I do this online self-report thing where I just go to a website, put in my password and code.

Have you done drugs? No. That's one of the questions. That's one of the questions. Yeah. Have you done any illegal drugs? Nope. Had any guns? Nope. Had any, you know, just all you know just all all these like and it's the same questions every

month just i'm just nope nope nope nope nope nope nope yes yes yes nope nope nope yes yes no so you have to get the i hate that they should make the right answer all the same all the same oh i pay so much attention like what if what if they're like well yes it seems you filled out that you've been in possession of firearms and drugs oh no that's a misclick tough shit you verified it with your password at the end right just put your hands behind your back have you taken any drugs have you been avoiding guns oh shit oh no the phraseology your honor yeah so uh you know did the drug test and it was all good he was um were you nervous i took a drug test for a job once and even though i don't do drugs i was like do i do poppy seeds do i do

like i don't know they're that's the only one i think of. There's a couple that can give you false positives. Sure. Yeah. No, I wasn't nervous at all. I've taken so many at this point. Um, especially when I used to have to go like almost every week or every 10,

15 days, like three or four a month. And, uh, so I don't know. I've taken so many at this point. I, it's not a big deal.

And, you just be pee in the cup and the cup itself is the test. It's like a pool, like one of those pool, um, you dip the water in and it shows you the ph and everything so you got an instant answer you knew you passed it yeah yeah yeah he he i pee in the cup i put the lid on i hand it to him he goes oh you're all good you can pour that out and we're kind of done but uh it was good to see him because uh he asked me what i was doing for thanksgiving and i was like i don't know you know family probably come out here you know i'm not allowed to go to them he's like oh we anytime you want to go up there you just can he's like just email me

and uh you know let me know when you're leaving when you're coming back so that i knew i could ask for that but i never wanted to bother them about it but now i think i will i'll shoot him an email and see if you can parlay that into a colorado trip i'm an avid skier and all right put on your skis and show me you know well you know no i always ski in jeans so is there an update on getting off fucking nothing no i haven't heard anything um you know lawyers working on it is what is the response i get when i ask so uh yeah you'll know when i know they uh that my twitch chat was asking me the other day and i'm like you guys know the deal like it it it seemed like it should be soon we all had the idea it was around nowish and that any day now we might find out some great news but you don't get there's no like progress thermometer

like installing a game and honestly i don't care because like i feel like the longer this takes the better my odds of getting approved are if i if they're like rather than saying i'm 12 out of 24 months now i'm 13 out of 24 months and like shit if it stretches to february he's he's almost three you know two-thirds of the way through i don't know i think i think it's more likely that it gets approved i wonder if it goes the other way if you're like 95 down if they're like ah fuck it is it even a waste of time? Finish them out. Yeah, I don't know. It'd be very nice, though. I would love to do some traveling,

go some places, two or three in particular. Maybe Reno, Vegas, Seattle, or Denver. All of those, actually. I'm going to do a lot of traveling as soon as I'm free. Other than Colorado, where else what's on the um i'm gonna go up to seattle see uh see scum hang out with him a little bit um nice

uh and uh uh we've been talking about me and a bunch of guys have been talking about going to vegas or reno just nevada in general and uh you know have some fun there maybe playing some poker and you know they have legal weed there and legal prostitution there could have a have a real ball i've never been to vegas you've never been to vegas and all your like business travels well i'm no i've only flown through vegas i've never like but you never like had a did you ever lay over and get to play the slots in the airport at least never did yikes man it's a great place um seems fun i don't love it every time i've been it's been for work so it's like really need to get to bed you got a

big day in the morning kind of shit but um i usually have fun well i'm not like a big crazy partier and i don't like i don't like strip clubs a lot but i do like gambling and they now have legal marijuana so it would be fun to just uh get high and play some poker well i was surprised it's been a long time since i was in vegas but i was like huh so vegas is vegas everywhere huh you go to a diner to have like eggs for breakfast and at the entry door you can like play real video poker like yeah everything has it at the airport there's a little casino in the airport i'm like oh i and somehow i thought vegas was limited to like 12 big buildings no no the whole thing turns out to be vegas yeah there are so many opportunities to gamble just at

the airport um they have these like cubes in the like the middle of the airport that you can go into that are smoke proof and it's like a sliding door and you go in and you can smoke inside the building in the airport in this glass cube full of gambling machines and then like even at your gate you know when you're sitting there waiting to board your plane there's like five machines right there where you can play video poker or whatever it's just like a shop vac sucking the air out of the smoke place? Like straight up above you and it's just constant suction. Dude, the smoking section at the St. Louis airport looks like it's a bunch of people about to be deported. Like it's so depressing.

Like I swear the wallpaper in there is like just frowny faces. They're just burning them down. They'll walk in there. There's no TV. There's nothing to do. It's a gray room. And you can just visibly walk by and see. And it doesn't keep the smell out all the way

because people are going in and out. So you can smell it 100 yards in each direction, it feels like. Sometimes smoking in one of those rooms sounds awful. Sometimes it seems like smoking sections are designed to make you want to quit smoking. It should be fun. We're going to force you to go outside. We're going to make you want to quit smoking it should be fun it should be you know they we're gonna force you to go outside we're gonna make you unhappy we're gonna play those like mosquito repellent sounds that people can hear you can smoke as much as you want

no this is our mold repellent there's a giant hornet nest in the corner um the one in atlanta is actually pretty nice it's uh it's just like that you know it has a nice airport waiting chairs that they have at the gates and there's televisions in there if i remember correctly and uh um you know i've flown through and i'm like i kind of want a cigarette and like i know i can walk right in there and ask for a cigarette and these people will help the thing about smokers. All right. They're generous people. You know, a cigarette is like $6 a pack, $7 a pack. So what does that come to? 35. I guess it's not that big of a deal. 35, 40 cents a piece, but I've never asked for a cigarette and been turned down in my entire life. It's never happened.

And no one has ever asked me for a cigarette. And I've never turned down anyone who's asked me for a cigarette. Does anyone ever turned you down because you've been like, Hey, here's my Marlboro bread or whatever the fuck you smoked. And they're like, Oh no, I don't smoke that.

No, no, nobody's picky when they're a beggar, scamp each users. Nobody's, I've never had anybody be picky about the brand. I always smoked menthols. So some people could be picky about that.

If I was a smoker, I think I'd pick menthols too. They're usually associated with black people, right? Yeah. Is that a fair assumption? You can't do that as much anymore. All their marketing is toward black people. But they're the minty ones. They're like, I don't know. know look i like my coffee cinnamon bun flavored and i think i'd like my

cigarettes to be menthol yeah uh i i find like marlboro lights especially and marlboro reds i feel like they taste like cardboard like if you ever burn burning cardboard boxes and you like get a whiff of it that's what those cigarettes taste like to me but uh like marlboro smooth which is what i always smoked like last year when i was smoking for the halloween thing i bought a pack of marlboro smooth they taste like peppermint they're nice was it a nice little blast to the past where you're like oh yeah i remember why i did this yeah it's pretty like when we went to colorado a few years ago we were all smoking. It's like, fuck yeah, I'm smoking. When you smoke, did you have negative impacts from smoking?

Did you have a cough? Did you have shortness of breath? Nothing? The only time I'd ever get a cough is like sometimes my cousin and I would do these all-night gaming sessions where we'd try to beat a Halo campaign in one sitting. And we were switching the controllers back and forth this is before co-op i guess it had co-op but we're it would have been split screen it looks it plays like shit so we push you know go back and forth and like whenever he's playing i'm just

chain smoking cigarettes and uh and vice versa and if i smoke like a whole pack like in a night yeah that's way too much and i would have a cough the next day but I you were never a pack a day smoker no I'd smoke like sometimes a pack would last three days but usually it lasts like two and a half days something like that I'd smoke somewhere between 5 and 15 a day depending on how if I drove a lot that was a heavy smoking day because like I don't know just driving and smoking especially like driving across the country where there's nothing else to do yeah kept you occupied a little bit just keeps you keep you did you ever use a dip like chewing tobacco i i got peer pressured into it a couple times in high school and i i always got sick it is such an unpleasant feeling yeah to have that stuff in

your mouth. You did it a bunch, right, Taylor? Am I crazy? I thought you used to dip on the show. Maybe I'm mixing it up. Oh, I had these little things. But this is just nicotine salts in a pouch. I'm talking about the actual real.

Wait, where do you get those? These are just at the gas station. It's called a Zin. It's just nicotine salts in a pouch. There's no tobacco in it. It's like the same thing as snus. You just put in. It's a teeny tiny little pouch. And they're peppermint?

This one is peppermint, yeah. Do you spit or swallow? There's no, it's spitless. It's like snus. So you swallow it all. But there's like, it doesn't make you spit a lot. I haven't used one of these in a while. But like the dip is like my grandpa does that

where you like, you take the tin and you like mush your finger down and like get that big old pinch. He throws it in there. Got it all over his bottom teeth. You can see like you can see the little bits of it collecting his diet Pepsi bottle he's spitting. But I had a bunch of friends who like I don't know what it was with them because a lot of them were like, you know what?

Smoking too bad for me. I'm a dip man now. And I was like, well, I well i okay you know i had at least at least two friends who got really really addicted to it's like multiple tins or cans holy shit a day which i don't know if a can of days is like the equivalent amount of tobacco that's a lot of that's a lot it smells good i like the smell of dip yeah i mean like if you were just to open it like it's like oh wintergreen that does kind of smell like wintergreen just regular copenhagen i think smells good for a non-smoker

though or non-dipper it is i have it's hard to phrase how gross that is to be in the same room as like a beer can filled with that saliva stuff it's it's so gross and and your own body's not as gross to you right like you know i'd rather not touch your blood but my blood of course is you know part of me it's no big deal that's also true with saliva ejaculate you name it uh but yes so having like someone else collect their dip saliva in a jar? Ew. So my dad never dipped, but my uncle and my cousin both like either chewed tobacco,

like a red man chewing tobacco, or dipped for a long time. I think my uncle smokes now. Switched back. Yeah, he switched back. And I think Scott maybe goes back and forth. I haven't seen him in a while, but last I saw him, he'd go back and forth uh i haven't seen him in a while but but last last i saw him he was he'd go back and forth you know maybe a little bit of this a little bit of

that and uh and so like they would be working with my dad and they'd be spitting in bottles and my dad had to come up with this rule where like you take your fucking bottle with you i've had it this is the end you take because what happened one day is like it was a hot summer's day. Oh, no. And dad had been working hard. And he's just all sweaty and real thirsty. And he hops in the truck, starts it up, gets that AC cranked up. And he's just parched.

And he looks in the console. And look at there. Right there in the cup holder is a nice Dr. Pepper, about half full. And so he grabs that extra pulp yeah and he's just like he just like crawls out of the truck he's like like vomiting on the ground and everybody's like what happened and he's like he's fucking spit that was the end that was the end of that.

Forevermore after that, spit bottles were not allowed. And if you were going to have a spit bottle, you could only spit in a Mountain Dew bottle or a Sprite bottle or a water bottle. You can't spit in a fucking Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, a cola bottle. If you spit on the ground, my mind anyway it's instant gone you're spitting the grass we're doing it inside and so like yeah it has to the bottle has to be marked it has to be resealed after every spit like the i remember oh dude i used to get so mad in like it was i guess when we would come back from college in between like semesters and I'd throw a party at my my mom's house. And the next morning after cleaning up like in the whole time, they'd be like, no, dude, like I take a red solo cup and I put a bunch of paper towels in there and then I spit and it just absorbs it all.

The next morning I'm walking around just like just trying to throw these things because they they reek yeah i thought i thought you guys were gonna be like ah woody it's no big deal it's just a little spittle but you're on the same side you ever seen those old people that uh have the uh is i think might be called snus or snuff i don't know which They had those tall tins of snuff that looked like a salt shaker, and they snored it. No. Oh, I don't know what it's called, but yeah, it's like old-timey. I think it's snus.

No, snus is the thing I'm talking about, like the spitless pouch thing. Oh, don't Google snuff, people. Don't Google snuff. Oh. Don't Google snuff. Oh, you've seen people die? How many Fs in snuff? God damn it. We saw something interesting after your drug test. You were looking up snuff films.

Snuff tobacco. What did you Google? I just got snuff tobacco. Well, snuff is like an underground pornography film where someone dies. It's a sort of rape and murder movie. I knew that it was a murder film. I knew that it was murder films.

I didn't know rape was a requirement of snuff. It is for me. I was speaking of films. I watched one of the most ridiculous moves i've ever seen uh last night no maybe the night before and uh it's called hell comes to frog town let me make sure that's right that's exactly it hell comes to frog town too that's exciting i don't watch that because uh the first one has uh rowdy roddy piper in it and uh it's in a post-apocalyptic future where uh you know the bombs have been

dropped uh society has been knocked back a peg or two or ten and there are frog people now there are mutated frog men and they don't explain the frogmen and we begin with uh roddy piper's character he's been arrested for rape um but the girl has recanted because she's pregnant because almost all men are infertile and most of the women are infertile in the future and so a potent male is a huge commodity so did he rape her they don't really go into it it sounds like he kind of raped her and she's like it sounds like you're right like like it opens up and her father is like beating the shit out of him and he's tied to a chair um this looks outrageous the entire movie

is on youtube and i'm scrubbing through these frogmen just look awful dude it's distractingly bad i loved it is it so bad it's? It's so bad it's really good. I love movies like that. I'll give it a go. What's it called again? Hell Comes to Frogtown. These two smoking hot chicks are taking Roddy Piper to Frogtown to rescue five fertile females from the frogs.

And they've got like a chastity belt on him, which doesn't make any sense. But it has like multiple functions. For one, it keeps him from fucking if he's not allowed. It also will electrocute him if the chick presses one of her earrings and like shock his cock if he tries to run away. And if you want, she can detonate it and like blow his cock off. And so she's really keeping him in line with this thing he's wearing. It says property of Medcor on it.

It's got a blinking light. It looks like a bikini brief, but it's made out of metal and plastic. And explosives. Yeah, I just clicked randomly. I'm at 20 minutes, 22 seconds, and there's a topless girl kissing Rowdy Popper's chest with her hand down his pants. Yes, that's one of the hot chicks who was going on the journey with him she like sneaks into his sleeping bag and she's like don't sit you gotta be real quiet the boss is over there in the tent and i'm not fertile but

i wanted to know if the rumors are true and he just goes oh people talk you know he's not a very good actor she's bottomless too but she's doing a bit of a belle delphine thing here right she doesn't strike a pose where you get she's got really nice boobs yeah i mean i just fast forwarded to the end and i had the sound off but i just saw a scene of him in a car with a bunch of women that clearly want to fuck behind him and tell me how right i am the woman in the front turned to him and must have said like, are you sure you're up to the task of all of us? And then he turned around

and they're all like coyly like, and he turns around like, is that about exactly what it was? It's pretty close. She's like, you know, as soon as we get back to base, I'm going to try to get a little free time and we can go on a little vacation together.

And he's like, oh, that sounds nice. She's like, as soon as you fulfill your duties of course he's like what duties and she's just kind of like that's when she leans back to like those five horny chicks in the back that he's gotta fuck them all he has to poor guy yeah and he turns around that's how he oh golly gee that's how he acts the whole movie like about about fucking all the hot chicks he's just like oh come on really in a world where only gay men are fertile the world must be saved it's homophobic to force them to fuck women how do you survive in woke america there's a lot of super awkward scenes like they um they quote unquote rescue this chick in the desert but they've got her bound and gagged and then they drug her they literally inject her in the ass with something to which

seemingly makes her horny and compliant and then like the blonde chick is like all right fuck her and he's like what can't we get to know each other a little first i mean she's she's filthy like like you know she's been running through the desert and she's just like oh i understand and she's starting the blonde the desert and she's just like oh i understand and she's starting the blonde chick starts getting naked he's like what are you doing he's like i've been trained in uh in sexual techniques and she starts like doing a strip tease for him and he's just like not having it like he's not turned on by her like awful underwear and she gets all her awful underwear it's terrible and she gets like sad and like her feelings hurt

he's like put put your clothes back on. I'll rape her. Don't worry. And then he just does it. Right next to this full upload is an offer to buy or rent the movie. I don't know that anyone's clicking on this button. I don't think so.

I'd be shocked if anyone has ever rented this movie on YouTube. I was watching a pirated copy. I'll just say that. Yeah, just looks like this. You didn't want to pony up the $4.99? Who would click on that blue button? Yeah, I'm not clicking that blue button.

I mean, the movie looks great right there. I didn't know it was on YouTube. He doesn't get forced to fuck a frog person, does he? She is all over him. And he's like's like all right we can do it we can do it but there's this little thing i'm into a little little kink and she's like oh okay i'm into that all right all right and he hands her a burlap sack to put over her head and she's she's sitting there with his burlap sack on her head like on the bar with like her legs crossed and it's clearly an act the actress is clearly an attractive woman like she's got really nice legs and stockings and stuff but she's got

that goofy frog head on she looks like a ninja turtle and uh and she's like so this is what you're into huh that like threw this burlap sack on his head he's like yeah yeah that's it he doesn't fuck her but like they were just about to oh he was saved by the bell. There's a part where the head frog, like the frog boss, has the blonde chick, and he's like, and now the dance of the three serpents. And I was like, the fuck?

He's making her dance, and he tells her to do the dance of the three serpents. And I'm like, how the fuck is she supposed to know the dance of the three serpents like you might as well ask her to do the cabbage patch this post-apocalyptic bitch doesn't know any dances but she just starts dancing as sexy as she can and uh and and like you start seeing him get an erection under his clothing but it's an oddly shaped erection you're like because he's a frog yeah what's going on down there and he pulls back his like codpiece or whatever and you don't see it but apparently

he has three dicks he goes you have aroused the three serpents she goes oh no three times the work yeah she kicks him not once twice or twice but thrice in the dick. I guess she's kicking each dick in succession. Oh, are you caught up on The Mandalorian? Of course. Yeah, yeah. Mike's new episode tonight.

The fact you watched that frog movie is probably why you got drug tested. I saw that on my Instagram. That makes sense, yeah. We got to get over there. We got to check in on this fucker. Red flag. Do you like it this year? I love it.

I think it's even better. So much, so many cool Easter eggs. Getting to find out more about the Mandalorians, hearing about the Jedi, hearing about Ahsoka Tana or whatever her name is, the orange chick from the Clone Wars. We're going to have her in two episodes. She'll be in episode five

because... How do you know that? Well, because you can see who writes the episodes and the writer of episode five is the creator of that character. Okay. It's been really good. I've liked it. Now, the Ice Spider episode was... The plot didn't progress at all and it just almost seemed like a throwaway episode.

And I did like it, but I kind of wish that the plot had progressed a bit. But this last episode was great. You had cute baby Yoda. You had frog people. You had three extra Mandalorians. They've got one of my favorite actresses playing the queen of all the Mandalorians. It's Katie Sackhoff from Battlestar Galactica. one of my favorite actresses playing like the queen of all the mandalorians it's uh katie sackoff from uh battlestar galactica she was like you know the blonde uh viper pilot who was always

fucking people and beat the shit out of people and smoking the cigar uh she's playing like the queen of the the mandalorian so that's cool the last episode is my favorite of the year and i thought the first two were six and a half to me like it's kind of all throwaway what what happened in the first he said that's when you meet timothy oliphant and you you you get you get all that boba fett stuff and uh is it to fight the dragon isn't that a whole timothy oliphant thing throwaway and then he fights a big earthworm or something and that i don't think it's throwaway i think timothy oliphant will be back. I think he's going to rejoin the Mandalorian at the end, have a little team up with him. We got to, you know, it was part of his journey.

He was going there to look for the Mandalorians and found out there were none. I don't know what else was like big story like nuggets or progression, but I don't know. I did like it. I love Timothy Oliphant and I like the Western vibe. So the big story, as you know, is he has this baby Yoda, and he wants to give it to the Jedi. And I forget why he's looking for Mandalorian. Is it just lonely? Does he want to see more of his own kind?

Because they know where the Jedi are. Okay. And, yeah. So they give you, like, a little drip of story. But the show is 80%,% like problem of the week. You know, today we have to kill a big worm because the villagers are scared today. We have to kill a boss character because the villagers over there are scared

today. We have to fight a ice spider because we got stranded again. Yeah. I mean, this is going to be at least five seasons you know and i doubt they're going to get to the jedi and like like they might get to the jedi by the end of they're going to find a jedi by five and then they're going to do something with her and then by the end they're going to definitely circle back around to katie sackoff's character and then they'll have a spin

off for her character next year but guess or truth guess or not or you know a little bit of both um it just it's a huge story and she's a big actress um in my world anyway but uh but they're not gonna solve this whole baby Yoda needs a place to go thing anytime soon not this year not next year not the year after that I would imagine I think you're right but i'd be fine if you were wrong if he dropped off baby yoda in the middle of this season and started his next big adventure you know fucking i don't know whatever's next finding a goldfish and bringing it to its owner then i'd be fine with that this is like traveling around you are alone

everyone loves the baby yoda like the baby yoda is the star of the show baby yoda was a 2019 meme and i've moved on only you baby yoda is the star of the show i think you're right yeah and uh someone asked uh pedro pascal on twitter like how do you feel that like a a 12 inch tall doll is the star of your show and And I bet it really bums you out, huh? And he replies, he's like, I'm cool with it. Like,

I mean, I'm just happy to have a gig, you know, like, this is great. I think he's a, I really like his, everything he does.

I like, I know I'm sort of dog and Mandalorian, but not him. I just think that the plot's moving too slowly and the way that it's almost like the simpsons where every show is a standalone thing and so much of it is devoted to this week's saving the villagers or getting unstranded that's essentially the plot of most of the episodes i dig it every episode's got a different director too i like that because you get a real different like flavor every time. Dallas Bryce. It's either Dallas Bryce Howard or Bryce.

It's Bryce Dallas Howard. Ron Howard's daughter, who's a really cute red headed lady who also acts, directed this last episode. I thought she did a good job. I don't know. I liked it a lot. I there was just so much sort of like teased in this most recent episode for future episodes. Um, Katie Sackhoff's character talking about the dark blade,

you know, she, she needs to get her sword back from the, uh, from, um, um, the guy from breaking bad,

the, uh, the, the, the, the black Latino man with the bad hair, Hugo Fring. Hmm. black latino man with the bad hair hugo fring i was looking at ron howard's daughter for a second i know her from something madman maybe what was she in

i don't know she's been a lot of movies i can't oh maybe jurassic world was she in that that might be that's her enough. I think that's her. Anyway, I like Mandalorian. I feel like I'm... You know what it is. I've said this before. I'm doing to Star Wars what everybody else does to Star Wars, but I'm doing it with the TV show, which is to say a movie comes out,

it's a seven, seven and a half, and people are like, that is two and a half, three points below where I expect Star Wars to be. For a show that is supposed to be one of the premiere things cooking right now, Mandalorian to me is just good. For me, it's probably an eight. I think it's an eight.

If Game of Thrones is a nine, nine and a half in the early seasons. Right, I followed. Then this is a seven and a half or an eight most of the time uh i haven't watched an episode for it that i hated and i really like all the guest stars i like that every episode you you're probably going to go somewhere you're going to meet a guest star or two that you recognize i liked um what's her name the ufc fighter oh she fights for a um gina something gina corano yeah Yeah, that sounds good. Yeah, I like her. She's cute.

Dude, have you seen pictures of Jon Jones at heavyweight? No, let's see. I'll look him up. Does he look legit? Or are you saying no? He looks legit. I'm saying he's going to look... So Jon Jones normally fights at 205 pounds, Taylor,

but he has moved up to the heaviest weight class in the UFC which what's it start at 225 or 235 starts at 206 and goes to 265 that's right of course it does yeah because you want to wait to a 565 he can be as heavy as he wants because he's not going to hit 265

right but okay he doesn't look fat to me this my man has cultivated some mass this guy looks like a heavyweight he i i like the vocabulary to say how scary this fuck is now john jones is often longer than his opponent and sometimes when he struggles struggles, like he did with Gustafson, is because that guy's as long as he is. So it'll be interesting to see how he does in heavyweight, where the guys are big,

or they're just as long as he is oftentimes. Who's he fighting? Is that announced? I don't think that's announced. Nganu or Stipe would be the two. Nganu is this, is he the Nigerian Nightmare? That's Usman. I forget.

Oh, I get them mixed up too. They'reou is this... Is he the Nigerian Nightmare? That's Usman. I forget. Oh. I get them mixed up, too. They're both African black men. I think they're both from Nigeria, too. Nganou, he's the one where they're like, he hits as hard as a Ford Escort, whatever that means. I'm not 100% sure. Pretty weak for a car. Not bad for a right hook, though.

On the car spectrum. We have to keep our obvious like a Hyundai Sonata keep our obvious bullshit in the realm of the universe this guy hits like a grocery cart that you're riding pretty quick even that would be really hard on the chin

dude the toughest probably accurate though you give me 20 feet of running with a cart, and you could line up the jaws of every heavyweight in the UFC on either side of the cart. It would be like one of those bullet challenges. How many can you get through?

I would barrel through all of them just with the power of a shopping cart. They couldn't fight back, though. Would the shopping cart be empty? I'd be in it. He'd be in it. I'd be running, and then I'd jump up, and I'd sit there. Oh, I didn't understand. I thought you were pushing it through all the chins.

No, I'm good. Filled with Christmas hams or something. A slight decline. It's just like Cart of Darkness. We can do that thing we did in 2012 when you jumped in the shopping cart. For some reason, trusting me fully. Yeah, I thought we were friends and i got that thing moving you did and you directed me right at the fucking i don't know

what it's called the little scenic tiny walmart front tree flipped right over into that hard grass but it was okay making memories and then we got is that when we got kicked out because we did uh no that was the noodle fights. Noodle fighting, yeah. Yeah. Good times. As soon as the fence... Not the first wall hard I've been kicked out of, and it won't be the last.

Well, I mean the mushroom story. You let yourself out. I was thinking of the gun story when I got kicked out. I was sort of arrested and drug out that time, though. Arrested and drug out? Jon Jones looks dangerous. I want to see him. I haven't been excited for a Jones fight in a while.

Who's the biggest guy that he's ever beat or won? Daniel Cormier? Daniel Cormier. So this guy, I just picked one of the guys you said, Stipe Miocic. He's a big fella. He's not big fella. He's not super big. Yeah, he's the champion.

He's the guy that beat Korn Young. He's the same height as Jon Jones. He's just bigger, it looks like. Could be. Now I need to see him next to each other with the new Jones. Stipe's a very good fighter. Perhaps the best heavyweight there's ever been. And Jones might go straight to him, or he might fight this Nganou guy first, who's also super scary.

If Nganou isn't quite as good, that's probably a better idea for the UFC to put him up against Nganou. Is Stipe the champ? Yeah, Stipe's the champ. He beat Nganou basically by out-wrestling him. He held him down, wore him out. He just held him down and kept hitting him for five rounds and won the fight. Now, you say best idea for UFC.

It's a risk, right? Jones versus Stipe might be the biggest money fight because it's champ-champ. Jones versus Nganou, if he wins that and then gets Stipe, that's better. If he loses that and they pop his balloon immediately. That's true. Problem. But on the other hand, if he fights Stipe and loses, now he fights Zangano, and it makes sense.

Yeah, it's like a step. Okay, you're right. That's definitely the better move for them. Yeah, they're going to have him fight Stipe. And Conor McGregor has signed his bout agreement with Poirier for January 23rd, so that's all set up. i'm not sure poirier signed it no last time i heard he told them to send the right contract which i don't know how to interpret that did they have an oral agreement and then the written one didn't match what they talked about maybe they're always trying to underpay poirier poirier i think so and uh

i don't know we'll see i'm not sure where it is right now so i we're playing zombies today and middy's like oh my god have you seen this photograph of rudy giuliani and i'm like what do you do now and and and he's like he melted he melted on national television and i i'm like what do you what do you even and i google it rudy giuliani's hair dye he was sweating so profusely at this press conference that his hair dye is running down all the way to his jaw line these black streaks of hair dye on both cheeks. Doesn't that mean that he finished putting in his hair dye

like 30 minutes before he went on TV? It means he sprays it on instead of using actual hair dye. Just for men, touch a spray. Something. He's just spraying some shit in there. Is that why it's bald on his sideburn, kind of? Who's that other guy that did the paint can thing and hid that a little bit because yeah i need to look up the giuliani

do you see how there's like a it's lacking depth and i kind of yeah i see yeah yeah he did a little a little spray fill in in that that bald stripe. Not even a bald spot. It's a bald stripe. My guess is that his hair is very thin, and he sprays something in it to make it thicker. It's colored, but it's also thickened a little bit. He's also painted his skull to some extent here. Look at the look on his face.

That's not very becoming. No. I didn't even notice the look because that drip of there's gross old man liquid is right there he um he makes a lot of like expressive faces so there's a zillion giuliani photos where he looks expressive i don't know how to say it better he's a new york italian very expressive guy yeah that's a hand. That's why he got so sweaty. Does his cardio for the day, given the press conference. At one point during the presser,

he pulls out his hanky, and he blows his nose profusely into it, picks a few boogers, and then he does this thing where he folds it, but he folds it the wrong way. He folds it boogers and snot out. I haven't gotten to the best part part then then he starts wiping the sweat he wipes his whole brow and cheeks with it with booger side out like i can't think of anything

worse to do in the pandemic like he blows as much snot onto this rag as he can and then smears snot and boogers all over his goddamn face. In front of the world. You know who would hate this? You know who would hate this more than anyone I can think of? Donald Trump. Donald Trump is all about the optics and the cosmetics of how his situation goes down. He doesn't just want attorneys. He wants TV attorneys.

He wants people to argue in the court of public opinion oftentimes when he asks for someone he sometimes says i want a guy from central casting i think a big part of why mike pence got the vice president job is he looks like he's supposed to be vice president he looks like that guy he does he also courts the christian vote but like i think the the look of it chris it, Chris Christie might be vice president right now if he and Pence swiped bodies. But yeah. Oh, yeah. He's just he's too fat. There's no way. I remember us saying for a while that we thought this is fucking almost five years ago now that we thought that Trump might do the opposite, where he picked Chris Christie as a vice president so that he always looked slim by comparison because it is impossible to look bad

standing next to Chris Christie. You look your best. Dude, if I wanted to make the best Tinder photo ever, I would go to a Chris Christie meet and greet. I need Chris Christie on my Twitch streams. Imagine the two of us doing push-ups every time I died. You know how buff I'd look? Julio, give me your rag.

That'd be so funny. He ends up being decent at it and you're like, you know what? You're actually a pretty cool guy. He's doing those clap push-ups. And his head, his eyes are constantly focused on Woody's ass. He's doing the clap push-ups. Just intimidating me.

Come on, pussy. He's doing the clap. Just like intimidating me. Dying. Come on, pussy. I don't do just immensely strong. He's like that. He's like, what's the what's the villain from like Daredevil and Spider-Man? The kingpin. He's like the kingpin. He just looks obese.

But really, that's all muscle under there. Yeah, I bet Trump hates this optic. I bet when he heard giuliani did the napkin the handkerchief wrong and the hair dye sweating and he's just like this is the worst now i think i might have the video of giuliani doing that if i dig around a little yeah yeah find the hand i've had boogers in his face maybe or we probably might not be it's a twitter video oh it's like we can't show anything nowadays. Reddit videos, they all get trouble. YouTube won't let you show fucking any news shit.

They only let like CNN and Fox do it. Very annoying. Yeah. Yeah. I've seen Trump. I've seen Trump search stuff on YouTube about like politics and it would be like whatever organically was the most popular created thing. I could say that about everywhere.

Here's 10 pages of everything of of establishment media i remember like h3h3 would make videos like youtube trending for example and if you look at this look at this trending video everyone 45 000 views in a day like look that's not bad but we're over here at like 1.6 million are we trending no youtube is like skipping over H3H3 for some reason. He seemed right. Because they make more money that way. I wouldn't doubt it. Yeah.

But I guess you always thought – you always – I put you in it. But YouTube was supposed to be this like almost democratic thing, right? A meritocracy. Whatever rises to the top rises to the top meritocracy is better and um uh it's not necessarily like that it can be cultivated people they can pick and choose winners it can be paid for it's it can be bought and paid for like it's so cultivated at this point like you'll you'll like search something some current event news and like some youtuber who talks about it

will have like 300 000 views and they like even they you have to use like special words to not say exactly what happened so that they don't get flagged for not being cnn or fox and then it'll be like a cnn or fox clip that's an eighth the views not it's a fucking news station so how many people are commenting and being engaging in there really like it's it's annoying like i really wish youtube would go back to doing what you said the meritocracy thing like whatever is kind of the best thing gets put forward like cnn and fox don't have enough power behind them already fuck you they shouldn't get the front five pages that's ridiculous oh my god i'm looking at the video of giuliani it literally is running down both cheeks and like he's turning his head left and

right like and it's a close-up of him he wasn't in the background he's giving a speech i where's his hair and i i try to like check my own bias right i aspire to have things right not just whatever pleases me but how does the right not see giuliani as a crackpot at this point whether he's given his speeches at the four seasons landscaping between the crematorium and the dildo shop or or his hair dye running down or his booger wiping handkerchief like he's losing in court every one of his cases uh not just losing he's like embarrassed i'm making arguments for the wrong case at the wrong time for things they're not supposed to be like looking at right now. He's bringing weird conspiracy theories in and the judges are like, do you have any proof of this?

And it's, you know, they asked him like he's talking about fraudulent votes. And he's like, are you saying that these votes are fraudulent? No, no, no, I'm not saying that. And it's like, but you kind of did. And now you're arguing for something else. And basically what I think he's trying to do is get votes thrown out because he feels like the process was mistaken. I haven't watched any of Rudy Giuliani or any of this stuff proceeding.

Too busy getting decent at zombies. But what's his... Is he making cases, trying to get audits and recounts? So Trump's lawyers fired Trump, right? Apparently they didn't want to be associated with him anymore. They walked. And so he instituted Giuliani as his lead attorney to fight this voter fraud stuff. But there's too old.

There isn't any voter fraud, it would seem. There's no evidence of it. So what they're trying to argue is that some processes weren't followed. Maybe that the observers of the vote counts were, they were in the same room, that's the law, but I guess they felt like they weren't close enough in the same room. And they're trying to get votes thrown out very selectively, usually just areas that are Democrat,

like, oh, here in Detroit and some other place, I forget. You know, let's get those votes thrown out, but the ones in the rest of the state, they were fine. We don't have any problem with that. And they're trying to throw out something like 7 million votes. And they're like, were these not cast by people who wanted to be voting? Like, yeah, yeah, I know they were, but we should just not look at those. And there's basically no chance, but they're making a show of it.

And it seems like they've got a couple goals raise money uh you just keep fleecing trump fans of their cash and uh you know create doubt let the trump fans feel like there was something stolen from them so that maybe in 2024 he has a run again or he just has that outrage to keep feeding things he's there is no way he's still able to there's no way he could fucking run again in 2024 he's too old that's four years from now what would we figure out he's 73 do you really say there's no way with regards to donald trump like i don't bet i just mean that like did you when you we've said it before when you're that age fucking drop of a hat anything can happen Giuliani could have literally

died today and it would have been like that's that's what happens when you're eight I only half agree I think when you're that age and you're fat drop of a hat when you're that age and you're thin you slowly wither away so so with Trump yeah he might just I think that one day we'll learn he had a cardiac event and he's he's gone but i also if you told me if you told me he was running in 2024 here's how i think it goes you've got the trump fans which make up i'll make up a number 40 of the republican base and then you have the other fans the paul ryan's the other 60% split six ways, and Trump wins. I would say Trump's percentage is bigger than that among Republicans. So, yeah, he could definitely fuck it up.

I think he'll be too old and feeble by then. Like, I'm just guessing. Time for the long-term bet. It seems like the—yeah, we could do a long-term bet. Five dollars I have. Five dollars four years from now dude my guess is the republicans are because a lot of the establishment republicans mcconnell a lot of them paul ryan the kind of people you cruise rubio they all fucking hate trump 2024 nominee will be donald trump 20 bucks not it's not i i doubt it will be. I'll take the bet.

Alright, I'll take the bet. I'll enjoy that $20 four years from now. The Republican Party is not going to let an outsider get back in. They're going to run establishment neocons like Nikki Haley and Rubio and Cruz. This reminds me of the time in 2016 when they didn't let Trump win. Yeah.

This also reminds me that you both owe me $10 because Alex Trebek is dead. Fuck. How did we let you choose an octogenarian or something who had stage 4 cancer already? One of the rules was no cancer, people. Here's what happened.

I went back and I watched the clip. Woody goes, but he's got cancer. And Taylor goes, yeah, that's fair. I mean, he's like, you know, you picked a 79 year old and I picked this. That's fair. Cancer's fair. And I'm just like, yeah, cancer's fair. It's like he's on his deathbed.

So I'm not going to get it. I'm not going to try to not pay. I'm saying it weird, but I'll pay. That's what I'm trying to say. But I thought early on we were like let's not choose people who are on death's door let's say no they can't be over some age maybe 80 i think yeah and and usually like because i remember the first time we ever did a death pool what was there like shrivo or something then mary shrivo the one in florida who was like oh no i was starving terry shivo yeah

they were like pulling her cord or something just connected her fucking feeding tube and starved her to death yeah yeah and and we're like you can't have her that's bullshit you can't just name the person who's gonna die like any moment now yeah do you remember how fucked up that like tell me if i'm wrong but seems like you kind of know it, Kyle. They basically just like, we can't pull the plug, that's murder, we're going to starve her to death. That's exactly what it

fucking was. They just starved her to death. And she looked... I don't know who's hotter, that frog woman from How It Comes to Frogtown or Terry Shivo. If you gotta fuck one euthanasia you okay with it or not okay with it oh absolutely i'm okay with it yeah i am too i think it's funny because i was involved in this thing called the billionaire bash and uh it was always a joke but

as we're like doing selections for our call of duty team alky david comes in and says hey we're gonna live stream a euthanasia this guy is very sick and we're gonna kill him on live stream and it was always a joke they ended up doing it and then he got out of bed and sang the monster mash and whatever but the community went bonkers all of them were so offended. Their sensibilities ruffled. And I thought I did the responsible thing. I didn't bash anyone. I just, you know, we eventually pulled out when everybody else pulled out. But in my heart, I was like, I don't even have that big a problem with euthanasia. I have no problem whatsoever.

I think more people should be euthanized. Everyone who wants to be should be, in my mind. And some who don't. There should be a vote. A vote? There should be requirements to be alive here. I mean, you know, some people just aren't making the cut. Some people don't contribute to the GDP.

You know, you said it. Yeah. Terri Schiavo's got to go. She did go. She starved to death slowly in front of America. We all watched day in and day out. I'm told it's an awful painful death. Now, I don't know if she, if people don't know, we're using her like everyone else.

Terri Schiavo was a woman in Florida. She was brain dead, I think. Dead-ish. So it's my understanding she was like super brain dead. But they could keep her alive via this feeding tube and some machine or what have you. And then the people who felt like letting her die really, like don't know they exaggerated how responsive she was they're like look here she doesn't like when you shine bright light at her or if you if you poke her feet with a knife she jiggles or something i don't know what but uh is like like she's still

in there and it's like she's not in there let it go i let it go so in my mind this brain dead ish i'm like no that was propaganda i could be wrong i'm not a doctor but yeah that was just propaganda for people who didn't want her put down when you look at like pictures of her i'm looking at them now there are three main ones there's three phases of her life when she was young she's fucking smoking hot she's let me show you this photo open image are you talking about the actress from top gun no it's really ugly no we're talking about although although she that's a woman who went well she is pretty she's pretty so check out this photo yeah i'm showing it to everyone see ah

it looks like a woman murdered what is this, this is that woman who was brain dead who they starved to death in Florida. Oh man, she looked way better before she was brain dead. Yeah, right? Brain death is terrible for your skin. Yeah, and your brain. There's nothing good about it. It makes you ugly.

If I'm ever brain dead and my family doesn't kill me, I'm going to be so pissed. Oh, don't worry, bro. I got you. Thank you. Come pull my plug or just shoot me. I'll be like a thief in the night just coming in there to smother you with a pillow.

I think I'm going to make it, though. I just broke my leg. Just like he had a real bad car accident. You ready? Just go see him. Kyle, I go there like, hey Hey man, you're eating Jell-O. This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you. Wait, what?

Could you ask if they've got any lime juice? Woo! Woody, help me! He's strong! Then it's the Woody show. Kyle does the... Woody's holding Woody show. Kyle does... Woody's holding your arm. Just absolutely just murder me.

He asked us explicitly that if he was ever in the hospital... Or wait, was it brain dead or in the hospital? Kyle's like, look, if I lost a pinky, I'd want him to do it to me. I'm like, Kyle, I think he's got his own set of rules. Yeah, I like losing eyes, so Kyle just sneaks up from my left stabs me dude have you ever have you ever thought about that like i think one of the most common nightmares is losing your teeth you know yeah i've had ones where like you lose an eye too and every once in a while like i'll just kind of close an eye for a couple minutes and be like, dude, this would suck. You ever try to drive?

You got no depth perception anymore. When I had my eye surgery, I had a fucking eye patch on for, like, a week or two. And I was driving with it. And, oh, my God, I was a danger to everyone around me. I was like, you know, I'd turn my head as much as possible. But, like, at some point, you're just like, nobody's probably over there. You're just merging into shit. Yeah, like if you're right eye,

you have to be like all the way. Does your car have the thing on the side view mirror that tells you if anyone's in your blind spot? No! Yeah, it's got a mirror. Oh, my. Yeah, that's the thing. It's probably common, but it's new to me because i haven't had a new car before this truck for so long a little yellow light blinks if someone's in

your blind spot if you have a trailer you tell it how long your trailer is and it tells you if anyone's in your trailer's blind spot like it it's pretty cool and there have been a couple times where i was ready to go and turned out somebody was there. I don't know. Maybe visibility in the truck sucks, but yeah, I turn my head. I turn my head out the window sometimes to merge like I'm on a motorcycle. It's so hard to see out the window. Oh, yeah. Sports cars are sometimes hard to see out of

like that. There's no rear window on rear side window. There's like this little porthole, but it doesn't do shit like a teardrop type thing. And then the back window is just nothing it might as well not be there you can't see out of it either you can see the rear view mirror the straight back yeah but not much it's so narrow it's it's like it's slanted no it's just slanted so much and so tall like it's long but there's such a tilt on it that the when you're looking

at it head on it's it's very vertically it's only a few inches yeah and so i mean i can see out the rearview mirror and if someone's directly behind me but nothing else so i literally turn my head out the out the window to like merge in traffic sometimes are you sold on tesla next or could you see yourself getting another sports car i could go either way the thing is the tesla's fast it is fat and if he's in colorado probably wants something more snow ready yeah and there's nothing wrong my car my car is in great shape like there's not a dent on that thing or a scratch and it's got like 90 000 miles on it's still messy inside um not as messy as i don't know you have high standards for messiness but kyle i don't know how many like

fast food meals were in it like there were there was like four mcdonald's bags in the back and and you you i know this is gonna shock all of you you're gonna be like but a couple of mcdonald's french fries had fallen into the seat and gotten crispy in my recollection there were like eight you know like it wasn't a total mess like the top of the bag was sealed if you know how you crumple a paper bag and it's sort of sealed yeah but like like i'm like i don't even know how many meals he's had in here without emptying the contents of his car and uh and there were other things that weren't gross but so much of it that that you couldn't put your feet down. There was no room for your legs.

There's so many things. This is in the backseat where no one goes. Yeah, no one can fit in the backseat. The other day, I went through Chick-fil-A, and I had that embarrassing thing where you're going through the drive-thru, and the trash from the previous time you ate at that same place is still next to me. And it was just a feeling of like, they saw it. They saw it! They said, my pleasure, but they saw it.

And it was just like, oh, I feel like a piece of shit. Have a blessed day. Have a blessed day. May I refresh your beverage? You certainly can. Is your car clean inside, Taylor? Right now, no. Really?

I was, like, I think last time we talked about this, I'm better at keeping the inside clean than the outside. Like, the outside can be fucking filthy. I don't give a shit at all. I drive to the car wash. Yeah, usually the way it'll go is, like, no one ever sits in my back seat either. And I'll, like, turn around and realize

how much has accumulated. Like just like little things of like, I don't really need that. I don't need this piece of paper anymore. But yeah, it doesn't sound, I don't have meal upon meal stacked up in there. My car. Right now, like in the passenger floorboard. Mostly it's like a bunch of empty these in the passenger side, like well down there. Just a bunch of like soda cans or water bottles since i've been

using the water bottle like i've got so much less trash like like because i don't use cups um also also fewer dishes you know i'm a fancy man i need carbonated though okay well you can get like a soda stream and fill one of these up if you if you're really into that sort of thing it's not the same you can't get the same level of effervescence with the soda stream are you sure you know what i have a soda stream and i know wait you do yeah yeah i haven't used it in a couple years but i used to how does it like co2 cartridges yeah you just like you take something that's like a bigger version of this and then you fill it with water you plug it in to the machine then you just hold a little button down and it does the except like, I don't, maybe you

won't know what I'm talking about. Like, you know, you drink a soda and it's like, okay, those are like, they feel like bigger bubbles in your mouth. Like you take a big drink of Dr. Pepper. It feels like a bigger carbonated bubble. Like these little ones, like the little like Perrier bubbles are like smaller. It's more effervescent. It's like a lighter carbonation.

You know, maybe I'm, maybe to you. Maybe it's nitrogen. No. Maybe. No. Or maybe it is. I don't fucking know. But nitrogen. That's what they have in Guinness.

The Guinness beers, which I also don't really care for those very much. Not that good. They're gross. Too dark. I don't drink anything carbonated. No, thank you. I remember my last carbonated drink. It was in April of 2019 2019 you don't like them

just no i don't drink a lot of them anymore it's not about not liking them like that would be a stretch it's that uh like there's this balance as to like all right i know this is bad for me but i like it so much i'll do that. That's where trail mix falls in. Something like Coca-Cola, I also like it, but not enough to overcome the fact that it's a whole bunch of sugar. Yeah, and you don't like any kind of diet stuff or sparkling water. I hardly give it a try. I haven't had a diet.

This Zevia stuff is perfectly healthy, and it's an acquired taste. You've got to drink about six of them before you're down, but I like it a lot. I've got a couple cases. You were so right about it with the cream soda one. I was like, this isn't like A&W, and I pound through like six of those, and now it's just like I'm probably drinking too many of these. You can't drink too many. It's Stevia.

It's a natural plant sweetener. Good, because I too many of these. You can't drink too many. It's stevia. It's a natural plant sweetener. Good, because I am tearing through these. Absolutely tearing through these. Yeah. That's the only soda I drink. I think I had five. Not six. I think I had five yesterday.

Five cream sodas. You can drink a dozen. It's fine. You know what? That's great. This is just like the salt advice. And I was right then, too. You were making me thirsty.

Yeah. I mean, if you have high blood pressure, it's a little different. But look, if you're a normal, healthy human being, have all the salt you want. It's good for you. Yeah. Yeah. It fills your salt reservoirs. Gatorade is what's bad for you.

Yeah. True. I mean, it's just sugar water, right? It's sugar. Gatorade zero is not too bad. It's salt and sugar water salt and sugar water and in the 90s they convinced us it was a health food it's like shit this is how michael jordan wins championships yeah and it actually is like that's the thing if you have

if you have the cardio output of michael jordan then you need a big tall glass of salty sugar water like like like if you're out there fucking playing 48 minutes then yeah have a couple big glasses you have to understand it was a long drive i was driving commuting i need gatorade you're drinking it like it's water like it's salt sugar water although there is nothing better on a road trip and if you're gonna have to piss in the car than a gatorade bottle that wide mouth will accommodate even the girthiest of cocks. And unlike a soda bottle, it can hold 32 ounces of pee instead of a mere 20

ounces of pee. That's right. 20 won't do it sometimes. No. No, 20 is enough to get scared at the end. Oh, I've pissed in much smaller, but I look around and all I have is a Dixie cup. And I'm like, psst, psst. this i swear to god that's what it did yeah yeah i'm like this is gonna be a risky business i've been in atlanta traffic you know like like stop and go traffic pissed in a red solo cup and like looked around i've been like what am i even looking for yeah everybody's looking

and just like threw a cup of piss out my window and then went back to filling it back up again pissing one i think i'm quicker to just park off the shoulder and walk into the woods than you guys it's it's interstate interstate traffic like it's six lanes wide it's the perimeter like like there is no woods to the side no okay they're a building well you got me yeah yeah in that scenario but you know if there are woods to the side the the woods are nature's bathroom yeah i don't understand 85 when you're in uh downtown like it's just like we're about to piss one way or another it's happening it's just a matter of how we're going to facilitate the transfer it's better that than being in that same situation and suddenly getting that lower stomach gurgle where you know the time's coming quickly and it's like i don't know

if you're gonna make it but but you can like i can mentally tough my way out of that like like shitting my pants i can just be like look we're in the car yeah we're gonna be in the car for a while it's like it's it's like telling your dog like look look we're gonna go out but the we can't right now he's just like all right i guess i'll hold it i'm with you except like there was so i was live streaming and i had to i had to poop i kinda and i had to pee and for some reason I'm like alright take a break I go to pee and it's like something about the act of peeing made the poop not optional anymore I was like oh

yeah you're relaxing I thought I was gonna drive through this and I'm not I'm pooping right now I'm finishing the pee first I'll tell you where I do almost lose control like the closer I get to that toilet like like maybe i've been driving for an hour holding a shit in i get into the parking lot of

my of my like house and it's like oh shit oh oh do i even have things time to gather my things and on the other hand if you had 10 minutes more driving you would have somehow been okay yeah it's a proximity issue but there's this mental thing like like a brain butt barrier that that has been that has that has been crossed right and uh it knows it knows i'm fiddling with the key in the lock i'm i'm running through the house taking my fucking pants off and like i couldn't hold it for five more seconds by the time i get there yeah i was doing that i talked i think i told this before i was freshman in college and i was leaving uh leaving the class and it was you know 10 minute walk back to my dorm and i had to really shit but i was like you know i'll enjoy this shit a lot more back in my dorm in my own bathroom instead of using this public one at this

old ass building that's kind of gross and so i start walking you know about halfway through i'm like having that mental thought of like i i should have shit back at the building like this is this is dire i'm wearing sweatpants i look disheveled i have to shit i'm probably like starting to sweat you have to shit so bad you know like we're like holding it in with so much effort i get to the dorm with my little swipe card and it's like hand shaking having to shit so bad like miss it twice finally get it in then i have to go to my second one and as i put my card into my actual door i missed it the first time and it was like my body gave up there and gave up a little bit of ground and i could feel the shit starting to come

out of my asshole and you know you feel that you imagine that it's like exploding out and i just got it real quick on the second one sprinted to the bathroom got in there and it was so urgent that i didn't even have time to like look around to see if i had trailed anything or if there's any anything gross but in your head you're catastrophizing all of it so i have this enormous evacuation felt great and then and then like like after the the wave of relief hits me it's's like, oh, no. There's probably poop all over the floor or something. And I got up. Thank fucking Christ there wasn't.

But in my head. I love Woody's eyes. He was like, poop on the floor? On the floor. My goodness. Dude, in my eyes. I was so, so glad that there wasn't shit on the floor. I told that other one where I This is my high school girlfriend

We were at her house her parents house This might be the most embarrassed I've ever been in my entire life It was So I wanted to kill Myself Like in the moment I was like Thank god there are no blades within reach

Or I might just Die and add a little more to the mess I like I went to their bathroom And it was like thank god there are no blades within reach or i might just and just die and add a little more to the mess i like i went to their their bathroom and it was like one of those bathrooms where you walk in the front door take a right immediately in the foyer there's a bathroom we were about to go out and do something i believe maybe we just got back and i was taking a shit and i think they maybe even told me something was fucky about that toilet, but I didn't care. And I just went to the bathroom and I flush and I see the beginnings of progress. But to no avail, it starts to raise. It starts to raise a little bit.

And it gets to that point where you can see the meniscus of the water touching the sides of the bowl. Did you double flush, you fool? And then I double flushed. Oh, no. And it was cataclysmic is the way i was i think i was 17 and immediately just uh just comes over it and i'm just in there like immediately game seven heart is beating so fast i don't know what i'm gonna do and so this is tiny. It's not a big walk-in bathroom.

It's a little fucking bathroom. And so, like, I'm, like, trying to, immediately, I go, all their towels are ruined. Throw them on the ground. Throw them on the ground. Their whole family's on. So, I'm, like, I'm, like, I remember thinking in my head. I was, like, I'm close enough to the door and I have my keys. thinking in my head i was like i'm close enough to the door and i have my keys i could just sprint away and break up with her via text on the way home i was that level of scared and then but

as this is happening i'm like running through a million scenarios like the water is reaching the door like it's gonna leave under the door because it's it's one of those bathrooms where like it's so little that like like, you know, like, you're sitting on the toilet. You could, like, move your right knee and hit the door. Hit the door. Like, it's one of those little teeny tiny ones. So there's not even enough room to evaluate the situation.

And I get out there. It's a sink, a toilet, and a mirror. And I just yell. And I'm like, oh, oh, there's some shit on the ground. And my girlfriend runs up. And it's just like, oh, my God. And I'm like, I know. And so she starts going.

And then her mom runs up and is just just like there's shit all over my fire and i was just like i i have never in my life just in in my heart of hearts in that moment if i would have had a firearm i don't know what i would have done you might have killed all of them yeah and then this. You might have killed all of them. Yeah, and then this guy came in and killed all of them and shit and ruined the toilet. It was none of this was me. It was, dude, it was, oh, God. It's bringing back memories of like, then I leave for that day. My girlfriend and I did whatever we were going to do.

And then like, so you hung out with it for the rest of the day. Yeah, maybe. I don't remember. I don't remember if we did or if i don't remember this is the beginning or the end of the day but i do remember that it was just painful for the longest time to go back to her house and see and walk by the chernobyl that i had left for them you come back a week later, there's still a smell. Dude, it was... God, that was... Well, your shit went down in the AC vents. Oh, no. Dude, that product...

Eight grand. Eight grand. It sucked into the air conditioning compressor. Oh, man. Grandma came over the other day and nearly fainted. Oh, man. She was in the war that's that's i think that's the most embarrassing story in my life i think that's it right there horrific yeah it's horrific it's when i even when i tell that story my mind has done such defense mechanisms that it feels like i'm telling it about someone

else yeah yeah yeah oh my god yeah i've i um i've never done that like i i know how to fix a toilet so like in that scenario i would immediately like dive to the back of the the the toilet down on the floor and turn off the valve you know like like turn off the water and like save that like you you pulled a a dumb and dumber it could have been fixed i if they had a fucking plunger in there a plunger sure but i in my so kyle's idea is a great one yeah i didn't know that but really taylor's double flush is where he went wrong most yeah but you can stop the double flush most toilets though will forgive a single flush right you single flush and then you wait some extended period of time eight minutes or and it'll work its way back down.

But you were like, well, one flush didn't do it. Maybe a double. It would have been embarrassing enough to go and ask for a plunger. Yeah, I doubled down. It honestly is. Guest bathrooms should always have plungers in them. Every bathroom should have a plunger in it. Yes.

All of our bathrooms have a plunger and a scrub brush type thing. That's basic. Everybody has that. Ours is like, it's decorative. We have matching antique bronze little holders. And it's not disgusting or anything. I don't know. You sort of know what it is, but it's not like a toilet brush like I don't know you sort of know what it is

but it's not like a toilet brush leaning in the corner kind of no I hear you my grandfather gave these toilet brushes to my father my father gave them to me and Colin someday I'll give them to you just covered in four generations of shit

you can see the clean bristles from the Depression era. Not a lot of fiber back then. No, certainly not. Did that trigger any really embarrassing stories that you guys can think of? I've never had an embarrassing shit situation.

It doesn't have to be shit, just generally. I had that one where I had to stop at the gas station and just ruin it. That could have been anyone. No one knew it was you. Yeah, no one knew that was me. I sped away. The animated version of that video is hilarious.

I still show that to people. At one time, I was mean to a dog. My girlfriend had a small dog. It was a cocker spaniel. It was a cocker spaniel, and it was the meanest, nastiest dog. And it hated me. And I just tried to make friends with it. And I was always trying to win it over.

And it was like, it'd snap at you. It didn't bite so much as it was threatened to bite. It was barking. And their whole family was used to this dog threatening to bite it constantly and uh i was all alone with the dog at one point it was like aggressively going at me and i held its collar in such a way like maybe above its head where it couldn't do anything i was like this has got to stop you are a bad dog you know and i really dressed it down when she wasn't there to protect it she probably probably wouldn't have approved, but I had enough of that dog.

I just shook it, and I kept shaking it. The next thing you know, I was trying to flush it. I just spoke meanly to it, but I can do a good mean voice. Yeah, fucked it up. Verbally. Yeah, but you wouldn't be embarrassed in front of the dog. No. No, yeah. It's not really an embarrassing embarrassing story the dog thinks i'm such a dick

that's just a story about you being mean to a dog that's not embarrassing okay all right fuck me it doesn't fit my bad i like that addition though fuck that dog i'm still mad at it fuck that dog i'm still mad at it yeah um i'm trying to think of like embarrassing embarrassing moments like like you i've blocked a lot of them out like sometimes i'll be laying in bed like trying to sleep and i'll think back to awkward moments from like high school or like adolescence and and i'll just be like trying to like push it out of the periphery of my fucking mental scape And I'll just be like, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la that and it's like in your head it's like no you're still thinking about this you're not you're i'm your brain you can't fool me you know yeah it's i i have a i have a whole inner monologue that goes on i'll have to do you know some people don't have inner monologues isn't that i do

those really those people should be uh euthanized how do you think without one i don't know i don't get it but like like an animal yeah like animals yeah that's what it sounds like how can you even like think through complex things or feelings or conversations if you i have whole like i have long conversations in my head like i talk out loud to myself all the time like me too yeah yeah i really like it it's like it's like prayer for a not religious person because i feel like that's most of what you're getting satiated with by prayer anyway, is verbalizing what you intend.

And like, you're kind of like coming up with a plan or like, I talked to an invisible audience when I drive. Yeah. Yeah. Or you just do voices to yourself. We all do these things. Yeah.

There's lots of voices. Yeah. That passes the time even better than smoking. Yeah. Yeah. If I have like a long, boring drive, I'll have a whole like live stream in my car talking to an invisible audience about stuff. And like before I know it, 40 minutes has gone by and I'm like, all right, that really

killed the time. It's better than the radio. There was a time. I love fictitious arguments. Up until like three, two years ago, something like that, I mispronounced calculate. I called it calculate. All right. So that sucks.

And Kyle would make fun of me. Well, I was listening to the three body problem. And for whatever reason, the three body problem uses the word calculate all the time. It's in there like every 15 minutes. So it goes, goes. I'd pause it. Every time it said the word calculate, I'd be like, calculate. All right, continue on.

I did that for a while until I burned the proper pronunciation of calculate into me. Done. You're welcome. See, Kyle. I bullied you into pronouncing calculate. I just thought it was so funny that someone who was like an apprentice. Accountant. to pronounce and calculate i just thought it was so funny that someone who was like an apprentice um um accountant accountant would ever struggle over the word calculate it's like a nuclear you're not a scientist saying nuclear it's like this is your bread and butter bro like i'm not i'm not investing in the plant. You just said nuclear.

It's not happening. Great men say nuclear. Woody also says nuclear. That's another one that I work on. I don't always say it. I say nuclear as well. But George W. Bush says nuclear. One of our best and brightest. One one i one i struggle over is wrestling

sometimes i'll say wrestling you do but but that's a that's a southern thing more than anything uh but but wrestling wrestling wrestling i say every word perfectly i can't relate yeah i think the proper pronunciation of wrestling pretty much ignores the T. Wrestling. Yeah. Wrestling. Like Riesling, but easy on the E. But a real word.

Well, Riesling is a kind of wine. Not to me. Fair enough. I mean, I think you'd see. It's in the aisle. You ever look down and see the little things? Cabernet. I would never go in that aisle.

Oh. Why would I find myself in that aisle? Because you want to try some wine and be a fancy man. Be like, oh, I'm going to sip on my pool and sip a glass of bubbly wine. I don't know, something sweet. I feel like that would be your jam, would be wine, because wine is so sweet. Do people bring glasses into their pools uh i never i mean when i was a kid no when i was an adult and i was around a pool

if i had a glass i would like if you break glassware in a swimming pool is it just there for the rest of your life yeah until it gets stuck in your foot and you extract it oh no you get it out piece by piece yeah right slowly and painfully found another one i remember like i we were me and my younger brother were with my youngest brother and we were all young in the pool and like we both had these big glass these big glass like crystal glasses filling with the pool water and just like throwing on our youngest brother just like ha like grabbing the stem of it and haha my mom came out and was like furious and at the time like i was like god what's up her ass what the fuck and they're like looking back it was like two kids like thrashing close to each other with glasses like almost hitting so i i understand it you know i was also you know 12 pretty reckless at 12 old enough to

know though right at 12 you could be you could have something of a head on your shoulders yes but i was of the opinion that better to ask for forgiveness than permission for pretty much everything as a little kid you know do whatever you want and then be sorry and say that god forgives you that that turned out, I mean, that was like one of the first things I internalized about Christianity was like, so I can do whatever I want.

Like, nice. This is a good system. This is a good system. You guys have put together here. Yeah. Oh, so speaking of God forgives,

we have, uh, the Pope making news. I showed you this one before the show yes but before we jump into the pope though it's almost two hours in i'm gonna hear from our wonderful sponsors tonight and that is smart mouth everyone hates talking to someone with bad breath that humid awful smell that keeps you from focusing on anything other than finding an excuse to leave now just think of all the times you were the gross smelly one and the other person was thinking about trying to get away

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authentic, certifiable shoes. That's some good reading, Taylor. Nicely done. Thanks. Reading is fundamental. I don't like to toot my own horn, but I'm good at reading. I can see a street sign. Barely have to look at it. I don't like to toot my own horn, but I'm good at reading. I can see a street sign.

Barely have to look at it. I've read it. Can this skill be learned? Whatever the Jedi say. Being illiterate would suck so hard. Trying to make your way through life, at least in our modern society. I'm sure if you're in some country where a lot of people can't

read, it's not as bad. I ah there was uh we talked i don't know if we talked about this there was this story of this teacher who faked being able to read for like a 15 year career he would just have his students read for him and he like just bullshitted not being able to read and eventually like got caught and they didn't even fire him i don't think they he was just like i don't know how to read and it's embarrassing like oh that's that is embarrassing and so then they gave him like reading tutorials i need to find this guy teacher that is insane couldn't read how did he like he must have been pretty clever in other ways oh yeah oh this is it I was a teacher for 17 years, but I couldn't read or write.

And he looks like someone that can read and write. He's an old guy with gray hair. Yeah. Yeah, he grew up in New Mexico in the U.S. during the 40s and 50s. He became a teacher in the 60s. In second grade, we were supposed to learn to read, but for me it was like opening a Chinese newspaper and I was looking at it

I didn't understand what the lines were I remember praying please lord let me know how to read tomorrow when I get up that is a terrible strategy to learn reading you should just you should learn to read

like a regular person he's a football player I guess You should learn to read like a regular person. He's a football player, I guess. That's how you work in college. They're faked being able to read and write for 17 years. Couldn't read and write. So Taylor's audio is raw body right now, but Taylor knows of a teacher who couldn't read or write and kept that job for 17

years. And when he got caught, they just taught him to read. They didn't fire him or anything. Yeah, I remember how fearful I was in teaching. I couldn't even make roll call. Have you tried turning it on and off again, Taylor?

Have you tried appearing offline? Appearing offline doesn't... Stop it. I'll be quiet for a minute. Don't you love MIDI soundboard? Yes. Yeah, and he uses it well, too. He doesn't overdo it.

It'd be tempting to use it every 10 seconds or so. He's Johnny on the spot with that thing it's good stuff like we'll we'll be giving somebody a hard time we'll be like hey they'll be like oh man i haven't haven't even showered today and i'm already up playing this game and maybe you'll just like within 0.2 seconds it's that clip of wings going i haven't taken a shower in three days so yeah wigs people are in my chat all the time telling me what they got banned for and it's always like i asked him if he was gonna play cod i asked him usually it's a question they ask that seems innocuous and i wonder right because it's one thing to be like hey you're gonna play this or whatever it's another to know he's being bombarded and bullied and be one of them

i wonder if these guys are at all guilty sometimes a wings band's quick the band hand is strong the band taylor i bet your audio is fine now your video is fine i think i'm good okay yeah i was testing my internet speed and it was fine. So probably a fucking Discord thing. Yeah. It's annoying. We all played some zombies the other night. That was very fun.

I had a good time. And dude, if you guys haven't played zombies yet, what Kyle said on PKN is true. There are kiting spots for everybody. Kiting, you probably all know, is that term where you kind of maintain your distance and use your range weapon and uh it used to be in zombies that like there was one good spot and that guy would always like perform really well and every other spot kind of sucked um not this

time you know i there were kind of two spots that the taylor and i shared next to each other the one by the plane where i think kyle spent his, I'd have been just as happy there. And I don't know where maybe he was. Swamp is good. Maybe he was in the swamp. Yeah, you can play underground. Yeah, you can play underground in a couple of different places. The map's full of nice little kiting spots. There's fewer

bullshit trash piles in your way. There's no corners of something that looks like it's clear, but it's going to snag you and pin you in. It's a, it's my favorite zombies game ever. It's the easiest to play zombies game ever. Like I was just goofing around today playing solo and I died at like 32 or something, but it was only because I was being dumb and like not paying attention. I have a question. Tell me if I understand the matter. I've literally only played one game. We got to level 35 and things were getting hard but they weren't impossible is the idea to kind of get as far as

you can but not so far that you can't x fill like would you say that that's about right because we got to 35 and i didn't feel like it was over the top hard yet but but we couldn't get out. We didn't win. We didn't win because no one had a ray gun, and no one could. So sometimes you get a boss in the finale, and sometimes you don't. If you do get a boss, you have to focus him down with something like a ray gun. At least one person has to just focus him down the entire time so that you can split him in two and then kill the two copies within the 90 seconds you have to get out of the map.

We didn't have anybody to do that. I don't remember what happened to me, but I'd had a hard time anyway. I didn't have a power weapon either. You used your knife for a long time. Yeah, and then I stupidly upgraded my base knife, which I know better than to do. I just got unlucky with the box.

I played earlier tonight and got a purple knife out of the box. Once you pack a punch that, it's good for I don't even know how long. Maybe around 40. It'll be a one-hit kill. Which is out of the box? A purple knife? A purple knife. Like the rarity.

The color determines the base damage of everything. The knife you start with is shit compared to a purple knife. I like the addition of the shield and the higher health and being able to know where you're at because there's nothing. I mean, obviously it made zombies way harder back in the day. It's like you make a little mistake and they corner you, you have 0.3 seconds before four of them get a hit in, even if you have Jug and you're dead.

This, you can get trapped for a second or two, and if you have a shield, you can eat some hits and blast your way out. So I like that. That saved my ass more than a couple times. And apparently the ray gun is rarer out of the box than the special weapon in this game. The ultimate special.

Because apparently the ray gun is even better. It's it's the best by far yeah they nerfed it they they knocked it down to 33 of where it was but that's the version you played with so like it's it's still really strong at 33 of where it was when they released the game at first the ray gun oh i haven't had a ray gun yet i haven't they're so it's very strong it's very strong as it is currently but it was three times stronger when they released the game which is just bonkers uh but yeah it's really really strong especially for killing the bosses because you've got to just focus them down i got a good gun what was it called i had two decent guns one was a burst fire which isn't awesome but it wasn't terrible either and then the other m16

was a burst fire which isn't awesome but it wasn't terrible either and then the other m16 you handed it to me do you maybe remember what it was that burst gun maybe the m16 m16 is good oh the submachine gun yeah um the the three-round burst submachine gun i don't know what it's called okay and then i also got that vacuum gun which was pretty good yeah that's the best that's the best gun in the game if you ask me that it's infinite ammo, and it just destroys everything in front of you. That thing's great. The infinite ammo thing would be a lot more appealing in the old zombies. But now, once you get to level 35, I think I had 60,000 points or something,

and I could just spend 10 to totally refill it if I wanted to. So it's not as appealing. I don't want to be spending money on... My goal is to get a good secondary weapon. if I wanted to. So I, I need appealing. I don't want to be spending money on, you know, my goal is to get a good secondary weapon to, to the vacuum gun and not having to ever buy ammo sort of facilitates that those points that would have been spent on ammo occasionally are really nicely spent on the box to get a ray gun or to get like a very rare knife or a very rare shotgun or something like that

then i can triple pack a punch with even more points that i've saved from not having to buy ammo and i went down a couple of times and it was my first game and uh i was able to get back up and buy all my perks almost every time and it didn't really occur to me right i'm not buying ammo really i'm just using the vacuum gun yeah the pack a bunch of ammo is like 2500 a pop so it can it can get out of hand with 5000 if you're all the way upgraded uh maybe so yeah um i really like the pump shotgun uh upgraded all the way that thing's nuts the one off the wall no that's not fully auto yeah but i don't buy wall guns at all because they're just common rarity uh i i only use the the box because I want to get a purple or gold weapon. The base damage is just light years higher.

The one that you buy off the plane, that shotgun, I don't remember what it's called, the semi-automatic one. It's like a spaz. Yeah, it comes off rare. It's not the highest rare. Yeah, it's like there's like five tiers, and it's tier three out of five like like you really want to be purple or gold yeah i mean it was good once i upgraded it all but i guess you're right that cost a lot of money to pump it up that much like probably 50 000 and i don't so i forget

we played as zombies maybe two three years ago and there was a lot of ordeal to sort of open the map. Now in this one, I didn't do it. So I can't say how easy it is exactly, but it seemed to be no trouble. It was just like whatever. Yeah. I don't know. People weren't spending a lot of time just doing weird bullshit to play the game.

Mitty knows how to do everything. So he's doing everything for us just about. I know how to do like 75% of the stuff. Turning Pack-a-Punch on is easy. Turning the power on is easy. I can get the first two variants, upgrades for the Wonder Weapon really quickly

and easy. I don't know how to do the second two yet. I need to watch a video or get somebody to walk me through it. I can do the Easter egg where the zombies all do the coffin dance. That's super duper easy um you know and i can i can i can put the etherscope together super easily by myself but um most of it is like that's great straightforward it's like i get it you need to watch youtube and figure out how to do this stuff but maybe wasn't like we played games where there was literally an hour worth of like

bullshit you didn't want to do anymore just to like play you know this is just turn power on is weird what was the one with that what is the mexican chupacabra maybe uh i don't remember well the mexican goat sucker known as the chupacabra. Yeah. Wasn't he in one of the zombies or something? I don't know. We used to play it. I don't even remember what the last map was we all played together before this. I don't either. It's a high altitude.

You'd go into this sort of ethereal mode where you could see things you couldn't see otherwise and go to the very top of the buildings and retrieve things. Oh, the one where you're like the gangsters trying to escape from Alcatraz. I don't remember what that's called. I don't think that's it. Because that's the one where you hit the

electric ball or something and then it's like you're the specter ghost and you have to run around and shoot something else. Zapping things. Yeah, zapping stuff. That was a map that was not easy to kite on at all. It was like you had to run people around the entire building, if I recall. But that was also cool because you could actually win. Like, you could get on the little biplane and fly out and survive.

Yeah, you can win this too. We should try to beat it because I don't think either of you have seen the final Easter egg and how to beat the game. I haven't. I'm down to do that. What level do you have to get to to fully beat it? You could probably knock it out by level 20 if you focused it down. Basically, there's a machine on the inside of the building, and it has four arms, and you shoot each arm with a different iteration of the power weapon,

the vacuum gun, the die, ice, poison, fire, and electricity. And when you do that, it opens up, and then you lure one of the bosses into it, and he gets sucked into it, and he reforms as a sentient version of that boss. And he's like, how did I get here?

What am I? Then you get him to literally tear the the name of the map is the machine d machine and so you get him to tear the machine apart which is like that whole area around pack a punch and he tears it apart with his bare hands while you defend him from hordes of zombies and then the whole map starts like apart, and this blue electricity is coming out of the ground, and you have to run to that exfiltration area while avoiding zombies and the blue lightning. And then you get on the helicopter and leave,

and you've beaten, beaten the game, not just exfiled. That sounds like fun. I want to do that. It's not fun, but it's good to get done. It's not fun? No, it's not fun, but it's good to get it done. I've done it once. It's probably the most fun, just to's good to get done. It's not fun? No, it's not fun, but it's good to get it done. I've done it once. It's probably the most fun just to see how high you can get. I don't know.

I'm just trying to rank up and get camos and stuff at this point. I unlocked all the camos on my knife finally today, and now to get diamond camo for it, I have to get 15. I have to unlock all the camos for the the thumper you know the the breakdown grenade launcher which is gonna just suck why do you want the camos for that you i don't want them but to unlock the diamond camo or maybe it's the gold camo for the knife which i love i have to it's like unlock all the camos for the knife and one piece of equipment and it's like the thumper is the only piece of equipment so are you starting every game with the knife yeah absolutely

so i just need to get one out of the box right well you do a create in your creative class like i make the knife my primary weapon and i use that until round 14 because it's a one hit kill to all the way to 14 so if i want a good knife though it but if i had my until round 14 because it's a one hit kill to all the way to 14 so if i want a good knife though but if i add my knife in there because i don't have a special one it's just going to give me a basic knife right it's the rarity is going to be random so what i'm doing when i'm hitting the box i'm looking like like best case scenario it's a ray gun second best it's a die third best it's a it's a rare knife um and i'm pretty excited if it's a ray gun second best it's a die third best it's a it's a rare knife um and i'm pretty excited if it's a rare knife honestly because then even if i'm running around with a ray gun if i bump

into a zombie and he's literally in my face i can just hit my melee button and it'll insta kill the zombie in front of me even though i've got the ray gun out that's pretty handy i want to roll the box a lot and get a better knife or an actual good knife i think i have like a common one that works i mean i could just give you my knife. I don't care. If we play a game, I'll just give you my knife. I don't give a shit. It's really fun. What would you use? I'd just buy a gun off the wall.

I changed the mouse button so now melee right here on my thumb. Yep, same. Quick on the draw. A good mouse is a big deal what mouse do you have now taylor the it's got snakes on it a razor or something yeah that's oh does it have 12 on the side i changed it it has yeah it has i put it has two on the side right now but then i have something like six and something with 12 i can snap on there too. I used to look at Kyle's mouse. Kyle, can you hold it closer to the camera?

Oh. And I was like, nah, that's just two transformers for me. So I bought a more subtle mouse, you know, and it didn't have enough buttons. Tarkov really appreciates having some extra buttons and functions. So now mine is a little transformers too with some extra buttons. Yeah. I'm just so used to this form factor and like the way it fits my palm like like all this is adjustable like like i can like make all this move around and stuff and uh down here i don't know how well you can see it but those are weights those little silver things so i could change the weight of the mouse

it's it's like super fucking heavy like it. I feel like mice have gone through some sort of transformation. It used to be you make your mouse heavy. Now they advertise how light they are. People like these flyweight mice. The Naga Trinity is what it's called. Say it again. Razor Naga Trinity. I have the G502.

It's Naga. Naga. Naga Trinity. I have the G502. It's Naga. Naga. I think it's Naga. It's Naga. I'm not sure. You know me and pronunciations, but I always thought it was Naga. What is...

But yeah, zombies are sick. It is. I love love it i'm so glad a game came out that i can get into like this again like i've been missing a good zombie this is good for your wasd this is super good for your wasd there's there's a few extra keys but not too many like learning tarkov would be a nightmare for you there's so much shit going on like in that game there's there's there's lean right so you can lean like this. But there's two different kinds of lean. You can press one button and you'll just automatically lean

fully to the left. Or then you can hold the button and go, mmm, mmm, mmm. I don't want that level of joint slow. So I have to have a button devoted to getting text to speech to stop immediately right because every once in a while you get a message you don't want it set out loud

i play tarkov and i'm like there aren't any keys not using it's hard to find an empty one like what does f11 do normally you know like all the keys one of those paddles who are we talking to that has one of those paddles? Landmark, yeah. So Landmark's mods, he's also a mod for me. He doesn't give me as much attention, but he helped me and he got me set up with a pedal. So I use a foot pedal when people,

sometimes it's fun stuff, like they just say a bunch of L's or the sevens or they're just like, wow, wow, wow. You know, that's a good time. Sometimes it's not so fun stuff where they're talking about my kids and stuff and so you just send them to the pedal i am not enabling this feature i get people asking me all the time and i'm like you're fooling me no no we can't allow this to happen i have to be able to read it so i can decide real time if i want to keep reading. Do you get a lot that you wouldn't read?

Honestly, not a ton. It's pretty fucking rare that I get one that I won't read, but the addition of a text-to-speech option would make that skyrocket. Yeah. But yeah, zombies have got to be really good for your wasd

it's just a few extra keys you know q and g and z and it is i'm feeling like good with moving around now like pretty solid feeling like my guy's not a total clunky piece of shit i can actually grenades having to hold like the s key to walk backwards and hit g to like cook a grenade and like also move the a and the d to like diagonally back i'm cooking the grenade i almost i i'm struggling with that so i need to start intentionally using grenades more to test it i'm also not organic in my crouching or laying down like i have to like walk up to it and then like look and do that i it just feels weird you might learn faster than me but I was at that phase for too long like it was a long time like was d yeah

I'm kind of a boss I'm moving I'm smooth everything's cool and then uh like g gotcha now I'm exaggerating a bit but or I'd hit G, but I wouldn't return super well. You know what I did, Taylor, that you might like? Do you have a gaming keyboard with cherry keys and stuff? Yeah, I have a Corsair. For like $9 on Amazon, I bought these WASD buttons. And they're red, which is kind of helpful. But what's more helpful is they're textured.

I don't know. Yeah, I've got these gray textured ones that it came with. Oh, yours came with it. I'm going to show everyone. I don't know how to turn these fucking lights off. Texture a little better. But anyway, so if I'm not on like the WASD like I should be and I'm over on some smooth keys, it grabs my attention.

Look how not helpful this this setting is this is so not helpful and but then like the only option you can't turn it to a solid color i don't think it's just oh no no you can't it's just always fucking moving i don't like it see my solution to this whole thing is just to put my index finger on F like I'm typing. I've never understood why there would be two different ways to hold. So do you go forward with your ring finger on W? Yeah. Ah, well, I've already learned too much the other way.

I can't go back. Well, Kyle's not right on this. He's the only person that does this. I'm the only person that does it, and there's zero, I'm losing nothing. The only thing that I lose is left control is like a no-no for me. I make the only person that does it and there's zero, I'm losing nothing. The only thing that I lose is left control is like a no-no for me. I make it caps lock. If there's something to be done with left control, I switch

with caps lock. And other than that, now I have access to T and G and B much more readily than anyone else does. I don't like my ring finger in this position. I prefer the middle finger doing the heavy lifting here. Only because you've done it that way already. If if i tried to do that i'd get lost all the time like i'd have to be looking at where my hand is because and i'd never find the keys

again without some sort of textured keys but f obviously has a little texture on just get a little thing on it and that's where look i i learned to keyboard while typing that's my that's the main thing you do on a keyboard why would your finger need to go to another completely different situation for gaming it just never made sense to me do you have textured stuff on any of your keys or you just f and j just f and j just like just the standard just the standard yeah so i put my index finger on f and i can i don't do you have a gaming keyboard or is it just like a typewriter that you play on does it a razor huntsman okay ah like a spider I was looking for a keyboard it's constantly

changing its mind about that the colors does it just change yeah I've got it on just like like go through the I don't know why it's saying on blue. Like I put it down and it – yep, yep. Okay, I've got to put it down and it's changed to purple now. Is there a gyro sensor in there somehow? I think there might be because now it is like legit purple. And if I put it down again, now it's pink and now it's red. That's crazy.

If I put it down again, now it's white. Yeah. Mine's always white, but I like that it's gold and it's metal i like that too mine's mine's plastic but if i ever want to like smash it then it'll be very satisfying my last keyboard i had it for like five years and i spilt a soda on it and like it went all inside of it and i was like all right we right, we're going to try to fix this. But the moment that I'm done, I'm fucking done. And as soon as I saw that it wasn't going to happen,

I just smashed the shit out of it. I was so upset with it because I was trying to take the little screws out and stuff and getting frustrated and frustrated and more frustrated. And I tore it to pieces with my bare hands and smashed it on the desk. You tore it to pieces? I tore it to pieces with my bare hands and smashed it on the desk. You tore it to pieces? I tore it to pieces. There were keys everywhere. It was very satisfying. My keyboard would fight back.

Your keyboard could be a murder weapon. It's like that Gattaca keyboard that guy killed the other man with. I used to use an IBM Model M when I programmed for a living. Do you know this keyboard this legendary keyboard i don't uh it has mechanical keys but before cherry mechanical keys were these buckling spring mechanical keys and it clicked it clicked so loud cherry blues would be like how'd you do that i bet i learned on one i probably learned because like i learned on an ibm typewriter they are so tough kyle i think they're dishwasher safe like it is the most badass keyboard ever

but um it's old mine was literally from 1984 like from before i coded and um uh it didn't have a windows key and after a while, I kind of missed that. This is so obnoxious to listen to. You can hear the little spring in the tinny ding, ding. It's a badly tuned lute. Oh, wow. Yeah, that's so loud. That's exactly what it looked like. It's like popcorn.

Oh, man. I hate this. My school was so either underfunded or old school or whatever i literally learned on a typewriter to type really yeah an electric typewriter but a typewriter nonetheless so they did or did they put that orange cover over the top of the keys so you couldn't see it yep i remember and then every time you press the key it's a fucking typewriter i i didn't learn how to type at all in my keyboarding class and it was because my grade school keyboarding class i remember

it was like sixth grade and they just got computers and everything in there and like the the lady didn't know how to type herself and so like her teaching us was like we and she was like she's maybe like 70 she was all the shit she was walking around the library these brand new computers were all sitting at brand new and you know 2000 or whatever and the way she was teaching us to type is she would tell us to go to the home row. She was Canadian. And she would just go A, A, A, space, B, B, B, space, C, C. And it was like, I'm not learning anything. Like, it's just, all I do is cheat, see where the C is, and then just hit it until you tell me to stop.

And then I cheat and see where the D is. And like, you got to give me words. You got to give me something. I remember what did help me learn to type is doing high school typing class where it was like words would come at you that were like comets and you were on the spaceship and you had to

shoot down the words by typing it fast enough and so it'd be like cat dog penis and then by the end it's like sesquipedalian you know ostentatious like that kind of stuff coming down so i spelled you big witness today uh first try i was so proud i was like wow there's no red squiggly line look i don't have a big deal here well when i got when i got to the ui part i was nervous

but i conquered that's good i'm glad that your spelling's going well i'll get it someday uh thankfully numbers don't come up on this show too often or i would be the exposed one with all that kyle didn't you you type pretty fast right i remember when poker night we all did a typing test what did you get do you recall i don't remember maybe 90 i kind of remember 92 i got 54 and it was a bit of a smooth run for me like i i got all my words right i had to hit backspace maybe twice in the whole thing and i got 54 and i'm like i think if i took that five times that's my top two you know it might be your best or my best yeah

so I didn't take it anymore I didn't try to up it I didn't want to come in at 44 the next time around you you had your Guam was 90 yeah Kyle it's pretty good Guam that would have got you an A I don't think I mean yeah if you're in high school but like people like actually type or type

like 160 words a minute. Oh, if I went back to a high school class right now, fucking clickety-click, clickety-clack, dominating. Dominating. You know, they should have typing championships. Kyle, that? Yes, please. The average person is 38 to 40. And professional typists average between 65 and 75.

I thought you number was low. According to the Google. That seems shockingly low. Maybe it's because they're 100% accurate all the time. Like a courtroom. Did you see the courtroom stenographer video? Yes. First of all, she's

smoking hot. Yes. I clicked her profile to see if she did any not safe for work content. Super hot chick. Wait wait what is this you're talking about i need to know there was a reddit video of a stenographer showing how the stenographer machine works because it's very complicated it's not a keyboard it's it's like these i can't explain it she couldn't explain it frankly like she had a hard time explaining how she knew her words in her story like that was my problem she's like all right this side of the keyboard is for the beginning of a word this side of the keyboard is for the end of the word and the bottom is vowels it was missing a vowel maybe i

and i'm like what i need to know how to make an eye on this keyboard because it's not with the other vowels what yeah and and i never heard i never heard where the vowels yeah and there's like combinations of keys like yeah you press this one and this one and that one at the same time and it says the word your and so i just imagine she's like and she's i don't i think she said something like in the high hundreds like 175 or something is what she could do because she has to do like maybe there's two people talking at the same time like she's got them both going somehow you're right there's that and um she was also saying the text to speech will never be able to do her job because she's not confused by two people talking at once she's not confused by ambient noise like dropping a book or air conditioners

or whatever you know a human this just a real good speech processor. So maybe someday she'll be wrong. I don't know. But it was neat because when we type, we type one letter at a time. She typed several letters at a time. And I can just imagine how a master, like a pianist almost,

would be able to type so much faster. It was pretty cool, but I was blown away by how attractive she was. I'm just assuming this is the woman. I don't know. I feel like every video you can't show anymore.

I'm no one and it's constantly telling me who's re-uploading my stuff. It looks like DDR on the screen. No, the woman that we're talking about is much hotter and brunette. Well, then link it. I don't know. Okay. I thought they were just really fast at a keyboard. I didn't know they were using special machines.

I guess that's why I've never had any respect for that occupation. And because it's full of women I had to process that for a second you said sneak that one in on the back end my aunt did it for a bit she got divorced and I don't know learned stenography so that she could have a career oh this stenographer

can do 280 words per minute false that's a lie that's not there's no way that's true i mean there's a video but we don't understand it also it was interesting she's like these are the things i'm typing and then it was like all these four letter words with no vowels that weren't words that look like she just typed randomly and then she's like and then here it is translated via the software to the transcript i i didn't quite get the whole thing i'm looking at like an overlay that teaches you how to do stenography there is no i it's a o e u there is no fucking eye on the keyboard at all like lowercase l's i don't know how eyes are done because how else would you do an eye do they not have room i don't know there's no eye on here but like what if the word is like

i what if it's just you? You know what I mean? Context will not come into play in that scenario. Like if this thing was a computer and it's just like, ah, yeah, it just knows that there must have been an I there. So it knows that the T-H-N-K means think. And it throws an I in. There's also not a C. 3, 6, 7, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20.

There's only 21 fucking letters on here. I know, look, there's no C. But you do combos. You hit two keys at once and you get a different letter, right? One of them is just a big asterisk. What does that key do? Why is the biggest key on the board an asterisk? Yeah.

Seems like wasted real estate. I hope these people get paid well because they have mastered something that i can't even comprehend i did not get what the asterisk was all about she's like this key is asterisk and it's just this big can't miss it key i'm looking for the stenography overlay i still can't find the hot chick but that's 77 grand a year on average stenographer. And you probably don't have to take any work home with you because you're just typing as you hear it.

Sounds right. Can you show me what you're looking at? I want to show the viewers a stenography overlay and stenography overlay doesn't pull one up yeah here you go so I played the video a little but really just the thumbnail

is fine you know what I mean even after watching this video, I still have no idea how stenographers operate. Let's take a look. I bet I can figure this out. Probably before the end of the show. Yeah, you're right. This old lady at the start, fucking smoking.

God damn it. I wish I could find the hot shit. It took me a second to process that. Yeah, look at this. There's no I on the keyboard. There's no I. There's no C. Yes, the C's missing too.

And they devote a lot of time to asterisks. Are there two asterisk buttons? Yeah, looks like it. I don't understand their use of asterisks. Well, shit. it looks like it i don't understand their use of asterisks well shit i'm usually really good at googling up what i'm looking for and i'm struggling with this stenographer yeah you found snuff porn right away yeah well the bookmark helps we have a good one uh yeah this is i'm skipping around this this looks impossible

it's like a magician I have a new topic okay we have a little bit of Florida man another hour and 20 minutes sonographer talk Florida man says he was trying to toughen up eight year old by bringing him

along on a crime spree. 36 year old man in Florida who is accused of committing various crimes. What with an eight year old was arrested on Thursday. He told authorities that he brought the boy with him because he was trying to toughen him up. He didn't want him to be soft. Taking a child out while you're committing felonies is not the proper way to create a positive influence,

Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd said. What do you guys think? Does this guy have a point? I mean, how was the child behaving before this? Was he really kind of a pissy-eyed loser? If that was the case, maybe it was helpful. So he brought the boy along, and they did the whole porch pirate thing.

They took a package from a person's porch and he told the child, it's mine now. They left the scene in a red Hyundai. I don't like that because that's a crime that could affect me. Someone stealing something off my front porch. Makes the kid cool. So I have a series of increasingly difficult riddles needed to access my front door because I found out booby traps

are illegal Kyle well really unfair you should be able to booby trap your property as much as you want right it's your property why not because they're indiscriminate murder machines no not if it's in the house

wait what i'm not putting mines in my front yard because that would be a waste of it ruined my yard you know it's it's funny i'm like i've always kind of got on board with the idea that it's not okay to string like a piano wire across a trail because you're angry at the mountain bikers. Right? That seems mean and wrong and rotten. On the other hand, I thought that fucking Cully McCulkin was the hero of Home Alone, not the bad guy. Yep.

We all remember Cully O'Culkin. I said McCulkin, you dick. What's his first name, though? It's not Cullen? remember. Cully O'Culkin. I said McCulkin, you dick. What's his first name though? It's not Cullen? Not even close. Wait, wait, wait. I can get closer. It's a layup. It's an assist.

You're supposed to help me. I bet $10 he doesn't get it in three tries. Okay, okay. I will Google. I will Google. It's not. You taking this, Taylor? He's got three tries to come up with. Wait, I have to bet that he will get it? Yeah. I mean, that's all I'm offering.

I'm not going to give you $10 for free. That's a terrible bet. It's not Colin McCulkin, but I think I'm close. He says I'm not close, but I don't believe him. So close yet so far. This isn't my second guess. I don't think it's kyle mcculkin that doesn't sound right um not cully no no if it was cully he'd have said i was close now he's getting close it's not calling it's not Kyle it's not holy oh I am close right what if it were Colin how I'm gonna second guess mcculkin it's not that huh fuck i don't know this guy i can't believe this i don't believe that just happened what the all right i still have that

wait no what are you oh you didn't hear it okay i'm oh when he almost strung it together yeah said fuck i don't know this guy's name it's not guy McClulkin. It is. It's not fuck McClulkin. It's not I don't know this guy's name. I feel like there's a hint in there and I'm not putting it together. He's forgotten the last name now.

He's going backwards. Now we're at McCulkin. We can do this bit for an hour. Alright, come on. You can do it. Here, we'll do this. We'll give him a little hint. So, first name starts with an M sound. Last name starts with a K sound.

Wait, his first name starts with an M? Or an E-M? It's certainly not a manual, McColkin. It's M. First name, M. First name M. Michael. Miles. Matthew.

Mark. Nope. Manuel. Manuel. Wait. Manuel McCulkin is close? Jesus. That was the closest one syllables was.

That's the closest you've been in a while. Manuel. Fuck it, I give up. Manuel McCulkin. What's his name? McCully. McCully's not a... It's barely a real name.

At one point, though, you said McCully as his last name. You said, it can't be Culkin McCully. You just said his last name. You see, it can't be Culk and McCully. You just said his name backwards. That was good. We could have kept that going the rest of the show. We got an hour and 20 left. We're going to get ridden out. That's really funny. In fairness, that is not a name you can guess

if you don't know McCulley. McCulley is a made-up fucking name. He is the only McCulley. Are there any other McCulley? I mean, there might be now, but before 1980, there weren't. Damn, he's 40. Yeah, I think he was born in... How does he look for 40?

Because he looked bad at 23. God, he just looks ghoulish but like he looks he looks now i have to spell mccauley you'll get it right on the second try well google will get me closer i got yeah right his last name's colkin. There's no Mick. Yeah, I know. We know. That's why Kyle fooled you in the beginning by saying his first name was his last name. He doesn't look too bad at 40, I think. That's a good picture.

It's a very generous picture. He's got his fingernails painted out. He looks best from that head-on angle. If he turned that head a few degrees, you would... Things change. He's wearing two watches. Show me a bad recent picture. At least two.

Yeah, two and like a charm bracelet. And he's got fingernails painted. Very unbecoming. Macaulay Culkin comes in front of Congress. Nails painted. Rings painted rings on very very disrespectful is he that bad looking now i feel like he had a bad like there's this awful picture i'm showing it to everyone now i'm sure you guys have seen it before like this is his low he looks like maybe he's on drugs but yeah that's yeah definitely there or he's not eating has he

kicked it does he i mean he he looks how he looks healthier than this than he in that picture i linked yeah here's another shot that one you linked he looks rough it's a different yeah it's not the same outfit that failure i think it. He's got several watches on. And the one you just linked as well. Does he have a bandaid on too? No. They're all watches, I think. Yeah.

He does look ghoulish. Is he still with Mila Kunis? No. I don't fucking know. He was with Mila Kunis. Why do I think Mila Kunis is with someone like. I think she's with like an aide. One of the most eligible people.

She was with Macaulay for a long time. I want to say she's with like Ashton Kutcher or something, but I'm checking. I think that might have been even earlier. She is with Ashton Kutcher. From 2002 to 2011. And then they broke up. So we're nine years late on that tale. In 2015, she married Ashton Kutcher from 2002 to 2011 and then they broke up so we're 9 years late on that tale

in 2015 she married Ashton Kutcher so she's been married to him for 5 years they met on the set of that examination they did she was underage was he? no

well I mean they didn't start dating then she was underage was he no he was no well I mean they didn't start dating then well he played someone underage so it's fine that's how it works that's what I always do I get one of those big lollies one of those bonnets

how would that have been handled in the benjamin button universe if he's 72 with the body of an 18 year old or the body of a 16 year old that's when he's fucking a 15 year old oh that's he's 72 but he's 16 physically i didn't know he was gonna be fucking an underage person yes but now they're both underage body wisewise, but he's been around for 70 years. Dude, he's built to be a predator, isn't he? I mean, he has the wisdom of a 72-year-old and the body of a 16-year-old. The things I could get done. I feel like most adults, if they were put in that situation, would be able to manipulate a child.

I mean, there's a certain age where you can just commit actual felonies and people will just be like, aww. I mean, you could stab someone at six. Nobody's going to do a damn thing. Yeah, unless the other kid has a knife. You could steal jewelry from like a department store or something at six.

Nobody's going to do anything. You can do it at 29 if you're sly about it kyle is suddenly rethinking his decision not to have children there's some there's some avenues if you manipulate a child into committing a crime they come after you no because i will also manipulate the child to lie yeah i will gaslight i will gaslight the child into believing a totally alternate version of reality most children are terrible fucking liars though you You can eventually like trick them into telling the truth.

Yeah. Well then who knows what's the truth and what's a lie. Right? You can trick a child into saying whatever you want them to. Therefore they're bad witnesses. Were there some of those moments I'm sure? The Michael Jackson defense. Yeah. Like bringing hope up that she would do some bonehead lie

and you would just have to do the dad thing like, oh, really? Is that really what happened? Like, how did you handle that? When she just basically the equivalent of chocolate-covered face, cookie jar exposed and broken. I didn't touch the cookies at that level. No, Hope didn't really ever lie. And it was kind of neat.

She wasn't a liar, not a problem. Never faked a sick day or anything like that all legit colin you know like he lies like every opportunity lately hey where's your mom yeah she's outside why lie about that there's nothing to gain in that lie. No, he knows he can trick you. There's no motive. It's just funny to him. Like, you know.

It's a lie. Yeah, yeah. If he gets you to go outside, it's fucking the greatest thing to call it. He's like, I got dad to buy that bullshit. She left you. Meanwhile, it's like the most believable lie. Well, yeah, I believed you you why wouldn't she be outside or sometimes i know that not to be untrue it's like ah she's either in the bedroom or the kitchen

hey colin where's mom and you know he'll be like ah she's upstairs and i'm like i i was just upstairs i know that's not true he just starts laughing you know he's trying to get you it's like but i actually need to know can you tell me the truth just this one time and not necessarily no dice no i i lied my way into a better grade in a class my senior year of high school and it was like does every school have like a version of like i think most schools call like life skills or like stupid like like oh practical things you're gonna need later in life and it's not practical at all and ours was like all like all right we're gonna prep you for college here's a bunch of worksheets about how dangerous booze is and how dangerous smoking and weed and coke or whatever and we had to like make this stupid little fucking

binder the teacher was one of those teachers that was only there because her kid was at the school and like that's the only thing she was qualified to teach and she wasn't even qualified should you have paid more attention in that class in hindsight taylor no there was nothing to learn okay no maybe but i mean i always i did well in school in college with grades but uh basically there were two different binders you had to make and these were fucking thick binders full of worksheets and busy work nonsense. And I did the first one and we had to like turn it into her and she did the grading. It was like, oh, all right, everybody gets an A because you did it. And in my head, I remember being like second semester senior year, all my classes were either study hall or gym because I had worked my schedule that everything was bullshit my senior year.

And I was like, this is retarded. I'm not doing this again and so for the second half of that semester I just would like take the papers and just stuff them in my bag and not really pay attention to them and then it got to be the end and I was like I got a plan and so everybody turned their binders in I walked over like while she wasn't looking and like did a pretend lay down and then walked back after like there was too big of a pile to know and then went back sat down and three four days later she's going through she's like hey taylor i don't want to alarm you but i can't find your binder and i you know you did turn it in right and i was like yeah i turned it in and i would appreciate it if you could find it because there's a lot of stuff in

there i wanted to bring to college with me she's she was like, I will do my best. You really said that. Is that true? I really did say that. And she was, and she was like, Taylor, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to reprint everything for you.

So even if I can't find it, you'll have all that. And I was like, thank you so much. I would really appreciate that. And then she ended up like giving me a B for it. Never turned it in. Never did.

You couldn't have argued for a better grade i didn't give a shit i was already into college everything was already said i didn't care about that but yeah it was can you give me that like i was really hoping to take those helpful tips what a rube fun times fun times yeah there were i remember students like that in my school too who like they had a good enough reputation amongst the teachers right they're smart they're diligent they always get their work done and whenever like an assignment is lost you would assume it wasn't the kid who messed it up right because you know they're conscientious that way and you work the

ruse i could never have pulled that off they would have been just on brand for me not to turn work in they wouldn't assume i meant to see i i did so well all through high school it was like oh this isn't taylor's mo he he does his shit he has really good grades so yeah i took real real advantage of that i changed some grades and you know the teacher has that. Before everything was computerized, she just had a grade book with, like, every grade you've made all year. And I just went in and changed them. But not just mine, because that would have been foolish, right? I changed several people's grades. You know, I looked, and anyone who had anything below a 50, you got a 70.

You know, everybody was getting, grades were going up. You're better than the teacher. Yes, but I'm, you know. You're making sure you're not singled out. That. But, you know, you can recognize your own fucking handwriting over an eighth grader's handwriting, probably. So she's just, she knew it was me.

She knew. Because I had had access. And she's just like, got me out in the hallway, and she's giving she knew it was me she knew because i had had access and and she's just like got me out in the hallway and she's giving me the third degree she's just like i know it was you i know it was you and i'm just like wasn't me wasn't me and she's just like this is just lies on top of lies on top of i'll never forget she gives it she just lies on top of lies on top of lies. I'll never forget. She just lies on top of lies on top of lies with you. And I'm just like, wasn't me. Because she's got no proof. She can't do shit.

You got no proof, lady. You got no proof. Did it look like your handwriting? Or did you? They're numbers, you know? Are you going to figure out who makes a seven like that? I made a traditional seven. I'm not going to give you my seven. I'm giving you the do dupe dupe my seven's got a little dupe dupe dupe

it's got a little little thing on the end it's got a little hangover yeah you're not getting my seven all right what am i new here i'm a virgin this isn't the first time i've cheated and it won't be the last because i'm getting away with this shit bitch. There's no way. You don't even know what those grades used to be, do you? What are you going to do? You going to retest us all? Nope. Yes, everyone's held back because of Mr. Myers. She had no choice

but to send me back to my desk and scowl at me for the rest of the year. That's hilarious. I was never ballsy enough. You dyke. You dyke looking bitch with your fucking she looked like richard simmons she's like richard fucking simmons just like richard simmons with that haircut was she fit she looked like richard simmons he wasn't that fit he was not exactly like well the thing was he used to be like 350 pounds so like no but for a

guy that worked out that much he just i'm not sure he worked out off camera it was also kind of just him like bopping around from what i've seen where it was like all right this is exercise if you are gargantuan yeah you kind of just sidestep to me his thing was like a fat acceptance you know like you didn't who was the there was a really hot i don't know there was a really hot yoga person i forget who but you know whatever trans he might be i you didn't want to do aerobics with this like christy brinkley super hot model jane fonda is who I'm thinking of. But if you're super fat, Richard Simmons was there to be like, hey, I like you.

We're sweating to the oldies. You're my crowd. Sweating to the oldies. Have you ever seen the Stern show on which he's like a guest? Mm-mm. They troll the fuck out of him until he cries. Really? They piss him off. Poor Richard. Oh, may troll the fuck out of him until he cries.

They, they piss him off. Oh, they troll the fuck out of him. They it's, I can't even remember specifically what they're going after. I, Oh, I know he wasn't out as gay.

We all know Richard Simmons is gay. Everybody knows Richard Simmons is gay, but he wasn't out. And so Howard would start bringing it up and he'd be like, I know Howard, how dare you say something like that to me? I'm as straight as a question mark. It's just like he would get real pissed off and hang up on the call.

And then he'd call back angry. Like, I'm not through with you yet. And he's like, dude, you're super gay. We all know no one cares. Your audience is full of fat women. They like dude you're super gay we all know no one cares your audience is full of like fat women they love that you're gay look at those shorts dude he's not out yeah i googled it i have a lot to offer people aside from three dalmatians and two maids richard simmons lives alone in beverly hills california all his sexual orientation has been the subject of much speculation, he's never publicly discussed his sexuality.

Yeah. The word was that he was transitioning about three or four years ago. He's 72. As we all know, that's the prime years to to transition into a woman you know like like your body is just ready to change after 70 years of of being one way it's just it's tired of of the the same old thing it's it's ready to become a beautiful tremendous amounts of elective surgery when you're in your mid-70 and hormone therapy i see i hear sarcasm but the way i see it is this he's 72 right his body's just about not producing any testosterone

anyway fuck it you know throw some e on there and uh transition easy yeah you're an ugly man at 75 you can be an ugly 75 year old womanold woman if you want. Yeah, I guess so. The standards for beauty are way lower at 70. I've seen some 75-year-old women that look pretty much exactly like Richard Simmons. Right? Yeah, they have the same hair. Who's the sort of butchiest one from Golden Girls? Cate Blanchard, maybe?

Ray Blanch is the character's name, right? Yeah, the one that looks like she's she can lay some dick down yeah yeah yeah she's manlier than richard simmons right richard simmons could easily slide in there and be like a you know feminine 70 something year old sure all right i'm i'm back on i'm back on your team on this one all right thank you betty white has to... Is she even with it anymore? She was with it until like two years ago, and then she accepted

some kind of an award. I don't know. A VH1 MTV award, and she was like... It was clear she'd fallen off that old people cliff, and she was just like, Hello, everyone! Oh, no. It's good

to be here she can barely string a sentence together born in 22 22 1922 she'll be 102 years no she won't

her husband of almost 20 years died of old age in 1981 She'll be 99 in two months Wow well fingers crossed 99 cannot be a fun way to walk around unless you're one of those

Japanese super centenarians or whatever they're called Apparently that's extremely over exaggerated the longevity of the Japanese because of the the people frauding uh the social security system that makes sense because you'll also hear about that stuff where they yeah they'll be collecting checks for their 111 year old grandma and then they'll find bones in the litter box like like the guinness world record people show up they're kind of fucking skeleton and they're like, oh god damn. Turns out she's not the oldest woman in the world.

Why would you let her in? Let them in. No, we don't want the accolades. We just want to be left in peace. I'll take the trophy. You be on your way. Well, we need a photograph of her. As people get older, they start voting Republican. But once they pass 100, they're Democrats again.

That's good. That's the natural curve of life you go from democrat to republican all the way back to democrat in your final years this is funny oh shit i had a news story i saw someone um that there were some dead people that voted in the election um but but again again like not enough to matter it's like six and there are some that are like falsely accused of being dead like i saw that was a big tucker carlson had to apologize on air oh i saw that that was funny like just some some old lady like i'm dead people vote in every fucking election but like to have some like 96-year-old actually be like, well, I did vote, though. And they have to be like, all right, we're sorry. You did vote.

Yeah. So the one I think maybe we all saw, she calls herself like Mrs. John Cranston or something. Like it's a little outdated now, but that's like an official married name. And they just sort of like assumed she was mr john cranson who's dead there's another one i saw where it was a mistake like the woman and her husband got she filled in the wrong ballot and returned it but she didn't return her own ballot she didn't vote twice she just voted on the other absentee ballot that she shouldn't have used. Yeah. And, you know, so that is kind of a dead person voting.

But there isn't like that intent there. You know, she just did. Did you see the all gas, no brakes clip where they're asking the Trump supporter if she's ever seen voter fraud? I did see it. Yeah. And she's so good. I voted for Trump twice. Have you ever seen voter fraud? absolutely have i did it i voted for trump twice in the last election oh really and did you get caught oh yeah i'm still on probation for it dude that guy that guy does a really good uncomfortable interview i have only watched a handful of his videos sturgurgis was great. Sturgis was good. He goes to like, I think one of the funniest ones is going to spring break. He goes to spring break and just interviews a bunch of drunk kids acting foolish.

Very, very funny. The Jungalo one. What level of that interview is just him being himself? And what of it is like a character almost like, shit me a name. Sasha Cohen Baron, maybe? You guys help me get to the finish line on that. They're all right, but not in the right order. Sasha Baron Cohen. There we go. All right.

Thank you. Yeah, so, you know, like, he does Olly G. He does Barat. He does this. But, of course, in real life, he's perfectly normal. Do you think All Gas, No Brakes, is that him or is he i don't think he's really putting on a character at all like yeah because there's nothing like over the top about him he's just asking questions now he's playing dumb a lot to be like really why do you think that is you know but that's just being a good interviewer

really sometimes he slips in little jokes because i i don't know if it was him or like the person who was with him like when that lady admitted to voter fraud he was like really i i thought it was just liberals who committed voter fraud oh that's weird it's really really shattering my uh my sense of values here i don't know and then they like do a close-up of her she's she looks so dumb she's almost a caricature of a person. She's like a, she's like a South park, white trash person. She just like, like front teeth showing and like squinty eyed.

I think that a lot of it is a put on and that's why it's good is because he knows what to do to make it more uncomfortable and more awkward. It's like, have you ever watched Nathan for you? It's if you've never seen anyone out there too nathan for you it's one of the funniest fucking shows he's the guy who goes around to failing businesses and oh he's great come up with ideas like he went to a coffee shop and this is the one that got the most attention he's like all right so starbucks is popular we're going to make

your coffee shop dumb starbucks and under parody law they can't come after us as long as we make sure that it's a parody and like he makes a store and it's just the exact same branding on the outside of starbucks and the whole goal was to trick people into thinking it's a starbucks but it just says the word dumb above it and so and then you go to the menu and they'll be like i'll have a venti mocha latte and he's like you have to order a dumb venti mocha latte oh i'll have a dumb venti mocha latte and it's like uh you have to order a dumb venti mocha latte oh i'll have a dumb venti mocha latte and it's all the same thing and starbucks got so mad they like sued and had it closed down because yeah it became national news yeah they were they were selling

t-shirts like there were huge lines outside like like local news reports were showing up like it was ridiculous it it it's it's his best bit ever it's hilarious this one guy oh he faked a viral video years and years ago of a of a pig swimming out to save a goat at a pet petting zoo and it got huge on the internet before he revealed that like the pig had like a harness and someone was pulling under the water and like the goat was never in any danger it was so over the time you might be able to find that if you look for it he does another one where uh oh my god he goes to this uh this he he goes to this guy who's a private eye or a private investigator and the guy's like i don't have any yelp reviews don't give a fuck about yelp reviews and you know getting mad that

he didn't have any reviews and so he finds a bunch of actors that look like similar to him and then like an asian guy who kind of looks not nothing like him and he puts them all in the same clothes as him and he has them like diffused so he can like escape to test how good the guy is at finding people and it's it is so fucking he one guy had a toy company and he had this stupid toy this ball that nobody wanted no kids wanted and so he had like focus groups with kids and they're like he was like would you guys like to play with this would you like this and like no and he's like that's interesting because we've actually recently found out that the only people who don't like to play with this toy are babies are you a baby and you know they're like six years old like no and it's

like well you said you didn't like the toy. So only babies don't like this toy. And before long, all the kids like, I want it. And they're like, yeah, you're going to go ask your mom

for the toy. And like, it is, it is one of the most laugh out loud, hilarious shows I've ever watched. It's called Nathan for you.

It's basically like all gas, no brakes delivery on those interviews. Very good. Very fucking funny. Nathan for you is the kingpin of these interviews. It is so uncomfortable when he tries to make people be his friend. Yes.

He's straight faced. He never cracks a smile. He's, it's very uncomfortable. It's so fucking uncomfortable. I just watched the pig save the goat. I'd never seen that before. And I just, I didn't watch it from the episode i watched like the viral video

yeah this is like oh that pig saved the goat that's great like it looks like a pig is saving a goat and like the woman on that episode who owns the failing petting zoo is like but people are gonna know it's fake they're gonna aren't they gonna be mad when they find out it's fake and he's like there's no we don't need to worry about that that's okay to know it's fake. Aren't they going to be mad when they find out it's fake? And he's like, we don't need to worry about that. That's okay. It was so fucking funny. I'm trying to think of more great bits from that show. It's nonstop laughing.

It's one of the funniest shows I've ever seen. I don't think he's still making it, which fucking sucks. I can't see how they wouldn't continue that show. A lot of the business ideas he has are like ingenious in their own way. They make... Let me see if I can find it. There's five seasons of this.

I'm looking to see where it's streaming at. Oh, it's on HBO Max. Holy shit. Oh, where is it? Oh, fuck. Writer, director, comedian, Nathan Fielder. Business degree combines that with knowledge of unusual life experiences to help struggle. Oh, the best one he ever did was season one, episode seven.

So start watching that one if you want. And it's called The Claw of Shame. And he's tied up like a magician would, like arms above his head. And he's on a stage. And he's like, he has to undo his handcuffs before a robot that they've programmed to grab hooks around his pants and pull them down. And the audience is full of children and there's a cop standing by and so if he doesn't unlock his handcuffs he will be arrested for exposing himself to children it is so fucking funny of an idea and he like goes around and

like confirms and he's like officer Smith, just confirming if those pants do come down, what are you going to do? And he's like, I'm going to arrest you. You've broken the law. Like initially they were going to have somebody pull his pants down, but they're like,

well that would make him aiding and abetting and we would have to do that. And so they had to find a robot like arm guy to program it on an automated loop to like over the course of a minute, pull his pants down slowly. It's it's tremendous. That's awesome. It's on HBO Max. If you want to watch. I'm going I'm going to watch.

I had forgotten about this show. It's really good. You would like it, too. Woody. You would. It's it's so good. Anyway. Anyway, we can stop describing episodes of Nathan for you, even though it's so funny to remember.

Your mic's wrong. Oh, your mic's all. Thank you. Sorry. I just I have a mute button. I hit it. Safa and her friend. Are you guys?

Kyle, I bet you know this subreddit. It's very familiar. I'm going to need a refresher. So it's when throughout history, historians refer to obviously gay people as friends you know like yeah yeah uh you know kyle and woody they lived together for a long time they raised a child they were often seen snuggling they were the closest of friends and it's like wait what so this guy called friends throughout history what is it called? Sappho and Her Friend. I'll link it for you. But I have a particular post that I thought was funny.

It's about a 90-second read. And as I'm reading this, I'm like, is Taylor going to say this is fake? Taylor's going to say this is fake. So, Taylor, you can be the judge. Let me read this to you. is fake. So Taylor, you can be the judge. Let me read this to you. My roommate, 25 year old male, and I, 25 year old male, are weird around each other and I want to kiss him. I want to start this off by saying we are both straight as nails. Quarantine has got me a bit and I would be lying if I said I wasn't horny. Quarantine has gotten to be a little bit. I'd be lying if I said I

wasn't horny. My roommate and I were talking about a little bit. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't horny. My roommate and I were talking about this, making jokes and stuff, and it ended up with us having sex. This was about a month ago, and it's become a normal thing now. Well, my roommate and I are beginning to act weird around each other. I notice he's been avoiding me, and he's acting weird around me. And when I asked him about that, he said being around me made him feel kind of nervous. I asked if it was because of the sex, and he said he didn't think so, but he liked it.

And that he couldn't think of me without getting nervous anymore and didn't know why. I've been kind of feeling weird, too. The other day, he was talking about a really hot girl that he matched on Tinder with. I felt jealousy, almost. I think it was probably because the girl he was talking to seemed really awesome, but I've never gotten jealous when he talked about Tinder matches before. I'm pretty positive I'm straight. I've always been able to tell when a guy was attractive, sure,

but that's normal for straight dudes. My roommate and I would joke about how hot Tom Ellis is all the time when we watched Lucifer together, but I've always been sure I was straight, except the other day when we cuddled, like full-on cuddled, but I've always been sure I was straight. Except the other day when we cuddled, like full-on cuddled, and I really wanted to kiss him. And I realized that what we were doing, we both kind of awkwardly took turns going to the kitchen to get dinner and then hang out in separate rooms. I'm really looking for insight here. I'm so confused. He's

a really good friend. I get super sad at the thought of losing him because of this weirdness we're having right now. I just don't know anymore. And I don't know if I should talk to him about this or what I would even say if I did or what we are or if any of this is normal for roommates or if I'm even straight. Honestly, the only thing I know at the moment is that I get this huge pit in my stomach when I think about this driving us apart. So any help or anything would be welcome edit interesting so most people are in agreement that i'm not straight whatever whatever i am i'm beginning to realize that as well and i'm having one of those moments where i'm thinking back on things and i mentally can you imagine having a dick in your ass and not even have begun to thought? You might be gay.

Mentally facepalming about how I couldn't have realized sooner. I'm also coming to terms with the fact that I probably are definitely having feelings for my roommate. And there's a possibility he might be having them for me, too. I decided to bring it up tonight. I cook dinner for us. I cook and bake as a hobby. So I've been making all of our meals and desserts and stuff and I've been deciding to make his favorite food and then bring it up then.

I'm still really, really nervous. Any insight, advice, or support would be welcome. The caffeine pill is making my eyes bloodshot. I mean, good God. Don't worry. I'm sorry to interrupt. I don't know who will still see this, but for anyone who wants an update, I ended up just sitting him down

and talking to him honestly about how I was feeling. We had a serious talk about our emotions and how much we liked each other, and it ended up with us kissing and doing more. We made dinner together afterwards, so we still got to eat his favorite food. We're going to rewatch The Witcher now because that's a damn good show.

Of course. So we're together now. He's my boyfriend and apparently I'm not straight. Thanks for the help. Taylor, real? I don't know. It's tough.

I always like to believe everything on Reddit is fake, but I don't know. It's just, it's hard to read that someone is like, I think I'm pretty straight. My roommate and I fuck pretty often. It could be what we see all the time on reddit which is this is a gay guy living out a fantasy

of fucking his straight roommate and something like that i don't know on the start getting some exhibitionism in his stories there's definitely something not true about what he's told us there because so i could believe like that he's coming to that. He's just now realizing these guys. I could totally believe that. The thing that I don't believe is that he's realizing that he's not straight. And so is his roommate simultaneously. And they are both attracted to one another.

That to me is not plausible. Like that, that seems like this one in a million star-crossed lovers bullshit you know the foregone conclusion in the beginning of being like well quarantine's been rough and i'm horny so i decided i wanted to fuck my male room it's like that was just so blasé off the front where it's like really there was no other there wasn't like a kind of turmoil in your mind of like why do i want to do this am i gay do i want to do it's like no we were horny and so we fucked each other and we do it all the time

but we're both straight like that there's something iffy definitely not entirely true i agree with you there but nothing you know the idea that they both just now realized that they're gay and that they're both attracted to one another are just impossibilities. They're so horny they fucked each other. Tinder still works. Obviously, his roommate still using Tinder. That wasn't prohibited to him going out and fucking

before. Pretend it wasn't a pandemic. Pretend it was prison. There are guys who are gay for the stay who aren't gay. Fair enough. Okay, that's different, though. Yeah, they could... Not exactly the same, but... See, the Tinder thing, though, like, he even mentioned his roommate still using Tinder. So, the option

for fucking women was still there. Yeah. So, like, that debunks the beginning part, which is, quarantine, we can't leave it all. Two lines later, your fucking roommate's using Tinder, and you're getting jealous. Like, doesn't pass the smell test. Yeah yeah that one popped up in my feed and i i didn't read any any deeper into it than the title though but is this a whole subreddit what is it gay people sapho with her friend yeah i get a kick out of it did i link it to you yeah yeah i'm on it i don't

know who sapho is but i'm quite sure that it's some historical figure who was also secretly gay it's it's like alexander the great or leonardo da vinci yeah well yeah that's one too like i feel like uh i don't know there were a lot of gay guys back in greek times and they just weren't branded as gay i guess well it was also uh that's also been overplayed a bit where like we stereotypically think like oh yeah everybody in greece was just like fucking kids it's like no most of greece like you couldn't just i mean i've talked about the spartans and how the agogi worked and how it would be very common for um a young initiate to have an older man friend and they would have sexual contact throughout like many years as he like like an apprentice and if i recall even all the other city states

at the time were like yeah sparta's fucking weird dude well they were weird it was a pretty insane society kind of cool though looking back yeah i Yeah, 300, exactly the same as what was going on back then. What you have to keep in mind with 300 is the reason it's fantastical. The Peloponnesian Wars? Yes. In Athens, was that it? The Peloponnesian Wars, yeah. Specifically, the one after Darius was dead and his son Xerxes came to try to make up for

his father's failure in the first Peloponnesian war and invaded Greece. And they stopped him at the hot gates. And that's where the movie gets good. I've always questioned the reality of some of the numbers, right? Like it's 300 versus what? A hundred thousand? Many more.

So I know there were what more greeks or something so it was 300 plus 5 000 more or something like that versus 100 grand is that about right probably more than 100 000 there's no way to know because they claimed a million but probably probably 150 000 even 100 lie their asses off about military size so like they would like the biblical battles they'll be like and a million people lined up to fight against the Hebrews, whatever. It's like, no, they didn't. Like there were a million people in that general region back then. I don't know.

That's where I always fall down. Even like Kyle said, 100,000 or maybe more. That's a lot of people. Yeah. Like that's a big battleground. 100,000? that's a lot of people. Yeah. Like that's a big battleground. A hundred thousand. Like, how do you even get a hundred thousand people to fight?

I feel like I'd be nine rows back being like Taylor. It's pretty cool. There's like no one's getting hurt right here. Right. This isn't like a, you couldn't even fight at the same time. So the movie obviously it's like a million, but like almost all historians agree that it was 100 to 150 000 yeah i just don't even know how you could know those things you know well i mean they were

there counting the well wait the historians weren't there counting somewhere yeah but historians back then are exactly like historians today. They'd be news reporters. Yeah. That's what historians were then. That's an old-timey news reporter. That's what a historian is. I thought a historian was someone who looked at things that happened a long time ago. I'm talking about the scholars that were alive then.

And I'm sure they've got some sort of tabulation from the Persian side, right? Like they would have known how many men they brought. That would have been common knowledge. Yeah, but I mean it all gets – I would imagine it kind of gets lost to history. And they only held them for like a week. They exaggerated how many people they brought, and I have a source. It's Taylor. Yes.

You know, they only held them for a a week and what you have to keep in mind is like the technological difference and like the the difference in the soldiers was massive like the persians were smaller in stature and and their armor was like leather and and uh literally wicker their shields were wicker like wicker baskets like wicker and the spartans were where like like forget what you saw in the movie obviously they're all wearing like loincloths and capes yes they wore thick bronze on the do jackie was a spartan yeah that's what she's going for she's got a loincloth and a cape okay they were like thick bronze armor like and uh you know they had they had longars, and they were at the cutting edge of military technocracy at the time. Yeah.

This is my favorite historical event. It's so fucking cool. It's why we have democracy today. That was, Greece was democracy. That's where it came from. There was no more democracy anywhere else on the earth. The only place there was democracy was Greece. And the Persians were coming in to stomp that out.

the only place there was democracy was Greece. And the Persians were coming in to stomp that out. An empire was coming in to get rid of the last stronghold of democracy on the entire planet. The very idea was about to be extinguished. And those guys defended that and won in the end. Their democracy is quite a bit different than ours. I also have a feeling, I feel like democracy is a majority rule concept that would have come back and you

know like it it's a pretty simple idea that would have been brought into fruition again yeah maybe i mean they were very selective with like uh with suffrage and things i think some of the city states you had to serve like in their military to get a vote or a say in anything yeah i think we need to bring that back i don't think everyone should just be a citizen yep you should have to be trained with a gladius what if you don't serve in the military but i hear where you're coming from i don't care you have to train with some kind of cool sword how about that it can be a samurai sword if you want just you have to be equipped yep that's the new rule you have to be adept with a blade I thought of those like those m'lady tips my hat m'lady posts of those guys

Which of course reminded me did you guys see wings on the front page of reddit this week? No Haven't been going to reddit very much let me see if i've got a link one moment he was on the front page of reddit i think 18,500 upvotes was it a twitch related thing like a stream nope well i i'm gonna get i see wearing a top hat he sure enough is yep hang on uh i'm very excited to see this i'm a little nervous i've got a lot of wrapped up i've got what do we have 18 600 update votes on our teenagers today is my son's birthday let's surprise him by me showing up in his feed thanks pimps thanks pimps that's great oh is that wings yes yeah yes a hundred thousand times yes come on look at it that's wings

i'm seeing how far you have to scroll down to see someone call it out yeah this isn't even you so this is a picture of wings of redemption it's straight it's straight from his twitter i got i got a link to the twitter uh send me that link oh wings posted it yes it's his all right wings didn't put that on reddit and and pretend like he was someone's father but that's a photo that wings uploaded to his twitter and the and the text reads my new top hat came in yeah i wish top hats would come back he looks different to me i'm crazy i guess well it's from oh june june of this year yeah i found the link was in the comments. He looks thinner in this. That's because he's got a top hat on.

Do top hats make you look thin? It makes his head two feet long. Damn, I need to get a top hat. Yeah, yeah. Would a taller top hat work even better? You need one of those cat in a hat hats. That's fucking four feet tall. We could experiment with hats, Taylor.

Maybe the jester cap I don't know where it is I love that you Own one apparently I have a silly one It was the same one that I had on this guy When he was dressed up as the plague doctor Now he's Christmassy

Oh he's Christmassy I just noticed that Yeah But I can't wear a top hat and a headset at the same time his frames are too big for his head who wings yeah oh wow that must be a fun problem to be able to have i'm sure they make horse glasses somewhere you need to put it on like a big orangutan moon face. Maybe there's some visually impaired racehorses that needed some lenses.

They have to add an extra little nose hump on mine so it's like a McDonald's M. The Carhartt brand. Just to stand the strain. No, the cat. It'd be cat. Like make the bulldozers and stuff.

Can we assume a fan of Wings of Redemption tried to get him on the homepage? Maybe not a fan. It was a fanatical individual, I would say that. Yes, if that's what you mean by fan.

Yeah. I do love that when, like, it used to happen on the Opie and Anthony subreddit all the time. That's the subreddit that got me into Reddit. Loved it. That was the only subreddit that's ever been banned, like, a few years ago, that I was like, what the fuck am I using this site

for anymore? But all they would do is post unflattering pictures of Anthony. They would say he looked like Nana. They'd say he looked like a grandma when he was of anthony like they would say he looks like nana because they say he looked like a grandma when he was overweight and so they would like post like like feminized pictures of him somewhere and it'd be like my nana did xyz let's give her a heads up or a thumbs up he'd be like wow good for you nana like the tunisian knife fighter picture is great. It's fucking back alley Tunisian knife fighter. What was the other thing?

He has, what he calls, Colin Quinn. Bob Kelly is another very fat comedian, and one of his best one-liners for him was he goes, Bob looks like a last-minute gift at the Beijing airport. Like the Buddha. Yeah. Colin Quinn is some of the best ones ever last minute gift to the beijing airport oh man i wish he would act more he's pretty funny in a movie he was in uh that amy schumer movie that came out a few years ago that didn't actually suck it was it wasn't

bad it had john cena in it too and uh and colin quinn was great in it i think he played like her father maybe yeah i wish he would be in more stuff like he's hilarious i don't get why he's not maybe he just doesn't want to or i don't know but he was he was the only person on the opian anthony subreddit that wasn't absolutely hated or i should change that he was the only living person that wasn't absolutely the only people that they were okay with was colin and patrice but uh good times good times i'm like colin queen's getting roles he was in drunk parents as ryan the bum number two if anything he needs oh yeah stop doing these little bit do more stand-up he's in qb halloween as janitor i don't know it doesn't sound like a big role

cubie halloween because my girlfriend wanted to it was one it was that adam sandler halloween movie and it is it's adam sandler doing an impression of adam sandler oh no and it is oh i am going to shave that down from halloween Like that level of Adam Sandler. Oh, I hate that Adam Sandler. It's pretty, you know. Adam Sandler's had like three good movies. The Waterboy, Big Daddy was pretty good, and Punch Drunk Love. And everything else is kind of horseshit.

I liked one that you didn't. I liked that 50 Dates maybe, 51st Date. 51st Dates with Drew Barrymore. Yeah, I liked that one. This Hubie Halloween. It wasn't bad. that um 50 dates maybe 51st 51st dates with drew barrymore yeah i like that like this hubie halloween it wasn't bad it was like adam sandler that lady from modern family fucking kevin james rob schneider steve buscemi ray leota michael chiklis colin quinn like it's shaquille o'neal is in it like it's star studded very well-known people and it's justquille O'Neal is in it. Like, it's star-studded, very well-known people, and it's just horrible.

Adam Sandler can be a pretty good actor, but I don't like his shtick, right? You know, I like Adam Sandler when he's trying to be a good actor, not when he's... I don't think it's meant for us. I think it's meant for children, and I think children fucking love it. It's more for kids.

Do you remember seeing Click? Yeah. I didn't watch it, but i know what it's about yeah are you familiar with click the movie with adam sandler where it's like oh he has a magic remote controller yeah yeah he can like fast forward and like oh i don't have to go to the dentist anymore but he's like you know oh the remote learns to get rid of all the boring parts and so now i'm just i'm missing everything in my life and i remember going into that being like adam sandler oh this will be funny and it is the one of the last scenes in that movie is he's accidentally fast-forwarded through his entire life to his daughter's wedding and then like he fast forwards through the wedding after one dance and then he's on his deathbed being like enjoy every moment and i'm like this is horrible he does

this is a terrible rewind button on this remote no crazy crazy oversight holy shit yeah punch drunk love is is my favorite serious adam sandler movie it's like what it's like what it's like what if the water boy bobby boucher actually existed in a real life scenario when there was no football he's like a mild-mannered clearly like touched person and he just gets pushed a little too far one day you know he just gets pushed a little too far and uh and and he fucking snaps and uh philip seymour hoffman is in it and um he was good there's this scene i wish we could watch stuff here um but there's this scene where these guys are after adam sandler for some money that he doesn't even

really owe them if i remember correctly there's like three of them and they're like gang they're like thugs for a gangster and they intentionally ram his car with his like newly found girlfriend in it and the car spins around and he looks over at her and she's got like blood like trickling down her forehead and he just gets out and goes into like bobby boucher mode like like just beats the shit out of one of them and like takes his like either a bat or a crowbar away and just beats the shit out of one of them and like takes his like either a bat or a crowbar away and just beats the shit out of the other one with the crowbar and then goes and starts smashing their truck to pieces and then like the last one is just like begging not to be hurt it's it's great it's great hurt it no no he lets him go and uh there's this there's

this line i quote all the time where he's like, he finally goes to Philip Seymour Hoffman. And Hoffman is like a mattress store kingpin, which makes sense because mattress stores, I've always heard, are a good way to launder money. And he's telling him what's what. He's like, you're going to leave her alone. You're going to leave me alone.

And that's that mattress man. It's a good movie though it's a really sweet love story at the heart of it uh and it's really loosely based on reality because one of the airlines had this like pudding promotion where like every pudding top was like 50 frequent flyer miles but they didn't put a cap on it so this guy figured out that he could buy the pudding in bulk from like costco or something and he would actually be get like making money the more he bought and if he bought in a large enough quantity like he would make hundreds of thousands of dollars and like that's what adam sandler does like because he's a little autistic or whatever, he's just like immediately recognizes like,

Oh, 50, 50 miles per, per pudding. And well, I'm not going to buy the six packs. I'm going to buy the 12 packs. I'm gonna buy a case of 12 packs and that's a gross.

And, and if I buy a, a, a, a pallet of, of grosses of, of, of them,

well, that's, well, I've just made it 500 500 000 free frequent flyer miles well i could duplicate that three times with with ten thousand dollars and i could just fly free forever and have lots of pudding it's too much pudding so yeah he's so he's like hey you want to go to hawaii to this like newly found girlfriend also the whole movie he's wearing the same suit remember in the water boy where he's like, hey, you want to go to Hawaii to this newly found girlfriend? Also, the whole movie, he's wearing the same suit.

Remember in The Waterboy where he's wearing that ridiculous blue ruffled tuxedo? He's like, that's a nice suit, Bobby. Thank you. It was my daddy's. In this movie, he's always wearing a blue suit. And they don't really talk about it. He's just always fucking wearing it. Like every scene.

And this movie takes place over the course of weeks. He's just always fucking wearing it like every scene and this movie takes place over the course of weeks he's just always wearing this blue suit it's so weird filthy and like his sister will be like why are you still wearing that suit and he'll just change the topic he won't address it it's it's fun it's not exactly a comedy it's not a drama it's not exactly a romantic comedy but it is romantic there is drama and it is funny punch drunk love check that out all sorts of good recommendations

Nathan for you punch drunk love Hubie Halloween all certified fresh from the PKA boys so oh fuck I had some story now I lost it in the mix you ever open too many stories for the show and then you Fresh from the PKA boys. So, oh, fuck. I had some story now. I lost it in the mix.

You ever open too many stories for the show and then you can't find the ones that are actually good? Nope. No? Nope. Nope. Fucking never. Oh, where? Oh, yeah.

A guy did die from the murder hornets. Oh, bullshit. Did he have an allergic reaction? Or did he, like like run into a car it'd be like he was 70 years old and he was killed while picking fruit in portugal so thank god it's still way over there hopefully they're here well but not enough nobody's dying here i mean there's hives of them. It's not like they're solitary creatures.

He died of cardiac arrest caused by anaphylactic shock. Yeah, that doesn't count. I should have. Wait, why doesn't that count? Because it's an allergic reaction. If you're one of the few people like, peanuts killed another guy today.

Really? Did they swarm him and sting him until he just died well no just one peanut he accidentally ate because he happens to be allergic to him so he went into anaphylactic shock and died shot a handful of them out of a potato gun carved him up i'm not afraid of peanuts or murder hornets although i would hate to have to deal with one in real life they look terrifying they look terrible they're actually a lot of hornets, although I would hate to have to deal with one in real life. They look terrifying. They look terrible. Actually, a lot of hornets look super terrifying. Are murder hornets worse than other hornets? Here's what a Japanese hornet looks like.

We have these in Georgia. So that's what those are. The murder hornet is part Japanese hornet. Those real huge hornets. They're so fucking big. We had I'm getting an image of one but I'm bad at things. We had a Japanese hornet hive at the, like, three quarters of the way down our driveway growing up.

And every time we would pull into or out of the driveway, dad would roll the window in his truck down, stick a 12-gauge shotgun out, and go, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And then roll them up and like that's how we got away to kill bugs wait that got rid of them yeah yeah destroyed they were in like like like at the base of a tree it was sort of like hollow and so there was like this like vagina shaped crack in the tree and the the the hive was in there the hive is like bigger than a basketball and but you just blast it every day for like a week and after that they they were done for it's a good way i don't know if i could do that here i'm sure he killed the queen that's probably what did it i would i would imagine do wasps have a queen? Hornets do.

I feel like wasps don't play by bee rules. I don't think they do. No. Wasps are carnivores. Bees are not. Wasps and hornets are not. I sort of thought wasps were a subset. Hornets are a subset of wasps.

Okay, I had it the other way. Okay. Yeah, they're scary. I've never had it the other way. Okay. Yeah, they're scary. I've never been stung by one. I was telling someone just yesterday about whenever I got a penicillin shot for syphilis a year or two ago. They were like, yeah, the doctor was already like, it's going to hurt.

And I'm like, Jesus, all right. I don't remember the last time I was warned like that, but okay, and the nurse finally comes in to give me the shot, and I'm like, he said it right. I don't remember the last time I was warned like that, but okay. And the nurse finally comes in to give me the shot. And I'm like, he said it was going to hurt real bad, you know. He's a fooling, right? And she's just like, oh, no. This is going to hurt. And I was just like, like, how bad?

What's it going to feel like? And she's like, a hornet sting. Like a hornet sting. And I'm like, I've never been stung by a hornet. What's it gonna feel like and she's like a hornet sting like a hornet sting and i'm like i've never been stung by a hornet what's it gonna be like she's like i don't know it's gonna be real real bad and i'm like bending over this thing so she can jab me in the ass and i just remember thinking like all right don't cry in front of the woman we're not gonna cry we're not gonna flinch how old are you for this? This is this year. 33, 34.

This is like January, dude. Here's a young 33. 33. They keep building it up. She's about to fucking shoot me in the ass with a dart gun and i'm expecting like the worst pain i've ever felt and she just goes prick soup and i was just like the fuck was everybody talking about like this is nothing this is nothing like it legitimately was nothing it didn't turn it i thought the second half of

the story was then that's when the venom struck. It got a little sore, but like, I'm not a pussy. I think I missed the very beginning. Why were you getting a shot? Syphilis. Oh, okay. You don't want to let that run around. I've been going after me. I'd had it for a couple years.

Yeah, well, you didn't want to become Al Capone. Really? That's what I said in the i was like i feel like a buccaneer like this is what took capone down a lot of people laugh a lot of people i've read people don't die of syphilis anymore or even have bad effects because they get something else along the way that make them take antibiotics yeah i guess it's like neurodegenerative yeah it takes 10 years to develop to to become neurosyphilis which is what rots your brain but then i think once you have

that it's done like you can't fix it right but what i'm trying to say is commonly someone will get like a strep throat or uh something or well you go to the doctor with a cold and they throw antibiotics at you inappropriately but whatever it fixes your syphilis yeah i think that happens yeah absolutely it does yeah just you know they gave me a fat dose of penicillin though or amoxicillin or whatever the fuck um well the syllins yeah they made it sound like such a big deal and i was just like why are they why did they lie to me i i really either either because it's not a pain tolerance thing i I do believe I have a high pain tolerance, but this did not so much so that I didn't notice what everyone else think is a horn thinks is a hornet sting.

Like, it's not that you've never, ever been stung by a wasp hornet by wasps a lot because like, that's what, look, I'm from a small town in Georgia. Our summers were spent fighting wasps. That's how we had fun. Wait, you did it on purpose yeah yeah we'd make fighting suits build wasp fighting weapons and we would fight wasps we had an enormous amount of wasps i'm from jersey when there were wasps by the trash can we went somewhere else we would go after the wasp we would take the fight to him like president bush

they'd say woody don't throw that away in that one there's wasps i'd be like thanks for the tip i do remember like the first time i got stung by a wasp like as a kid when previously to that i'd only been stung by bees and bees like really not bad just kind of like ah you fucker like that kind of thing like wasp that really blindsided me like running around getting stuck because like in your head you're like oh my god this is this is the most startling new pain i've ever felt like as a five-year-old running around out there do you have lots of different kinds of wasps there like lots of different colors yeah yeah and then they have some faker wasps you have those faker wasps there like lots of different colors yeah yeah and then they have some faker wasps you have those faker wasps where it'll be like you take a nice peek at them you're like

you're one of those bullshit wasps you're some kind of fly fuck you i i'm the opposite i so i don't get stung by wasps and bees very often i got stung by a bee two years ago maybe and i was like wow and it wasn't like i was crying or anything it stung the palm of my hand and i'm like that's a bad spot you know why i because bees hate me and no no and i was just like i was not exaggerating as a child this is a rough event to go through like it really sucked you know why you don't get stung a lot they think you are their god you're up there fucking they see you coming and they're all over there fucking the great one has arrived again brightly colored wings some sort of giant flower

yeah you come buzzing into town, fucking 12-foot-wide wing. A 200-pound bee just landed, and they're all gobsmacked. Gobsmacked. This makes perfect sense. Well, now that we talked about that, I'm definitely going to get stung by a bee in the next few days.

Do you have any allergies? I usually don't, but this year some kind of pollen or something has been making me a little nasally. Yeah. Okay, good. When you went to the bathroom at the two-hour mark, I already knew.

I just now realized with like 10 or 15 minutes left of the show, I was like, I haven't heard Taylor do a goddamn head. Nope, we hammered them both out. Bada-bing, bada-boom. Nice, nice. So we're solid. Oh, Woody, you never talked about, or I don't think we got to it, because we did the ads, the Pope Francis

liking an ass pic. Yeah. I thought maybe you guys just didn't like the topic, but no, I like it. I like the girl. I don't care about the Pope liking the post, but I like the girl. Yeah, I can't show you guys all the pictures she did of course, Kyle and it. I like the girl. I don't care about the Pope liking the post, but I like the girl. Yeah. I can't show you guys all the pictures. Of course, Kyle and Taylor.

Just Google Pope likes Instagram ass. That'll take care of it. So this picture I'm showing you, if you watch it on YouTube, it's cutting off a little bit of the magic, and it's blurred out. He liked a naughty picture she's a brazilian bikini model and she's got a big old ass she does it's nice good for the pope right it's always i think it's kind of sick to desexualize a man like they do in the Catholic Church. Like, that's just, it's weird and wrong.

Like, you can't just desexualize a human and say you're married to the church or whatever it is they say. Like, that's insanity to me. Yeah. And it makes them worse at their job. Oh, much worse. Makes them pedophiles, which is kind of being bad as a priest. See, I'm not sure about that. We've talked about this before. I think you're putting the cart before the horse here.

I don't think that the priesthood makes pedophiles. I think that the priesthood is a good place for pedophiles to hide. I think they become priests because they already are pedophiles. And this is a job that comes with no suspicion for not dating, power, and access to young boys. I do understand that that's a solid argument. But I can't get past this notion that if they had a healthy sexual outlet, they might not get steered and diverted to these weird kink unhealthy sexual outlets. It would be like it's like being an ice cream man who's above repute like like it's it's perfect like like and even if they get caught they just like move they shuffle them around other dioceses oh you're you're gonna be

a jersey priest now all right it's like when the hydraulic press channel presses in on the play-doh it's gotta squirt out somewhere right i see okay that's science so like that's science i know like i know way back in the fucking day olden times like a thousand years ago in the catholic church like royal families i mean gay people have been around forever like if there was like a funny son who was gay it was basically like you son of a bitch you're gonna be a priest because there is no other way we can explain this to france or whoever else we're boring with right now and so it'll just be like they're gonna shit up i don't i don't want to be a priest it's like you will fucking go to church and you will be a goddamn priest like that like they used to do that they would just yeah ship they'd also do that

to the sluts uh for the nuns they'd make their they so nuns were former sluts so a lot of them were yeah yeah what a terrible job for us they still are maybe they got it all out of their system you know and now they want to be like oh i had all the fun now i'm going to be godly is that how humans work? Probably not. Like, man, I've got a high sex drive, but I used it up. I'm not down anymore. It's finished. All that sex made me content.

Yeah, probably not then. I would not want to be an employee of any church. Doesn't seem like. No, you know what? No, I would like that. I just don't an employee of any church. Doesn't seem like, or no, you know what? No, I would like that. I just don't want the responsibilities.

What responsibilities? I'd want to be a TV, a television pastor. I don't know, clean up all the jizz in the booths. Yeah, true. No,

the kids have to do it. One way or another. I don't know why you're spilling so much jizz. I teach them to swallow. Lock and load. Why is there a hole in your confessional? It's the glory confessional. Perhaps you'd like to relieve yourself in a different way.

Remember Cricket? Taking the guy's confession in the bathroom. And if you'd like to relieve yourself in a different way, that'll be a sixer. Give me 15 Hail Marys and 193 sucks. That always seemed like the worst thing. Most of my family on my dad's side is Catholic.

And the whole like, oh yeah, we went to confession, I have to say 50 Hail Marys. And I'd always be like, do you really do it? No. no. Throw like one out there. Control C, control V. The big man gets it.

He doesn't need to hear that many prayers. I wonder if people ever try to rack up a high score of some point, right? Like, oh, I got 75 Hail Marys this week. I think I can get 100 next week. I just have to, I don't know. Yeah. Or it's like you build up a little bit of credit with God. And so you can go in and be like, I did rob a mini mart.

All right, 500 Hail Marys. It's like, well, I netted 700. So I guess we're good. We're cool. I have 500 sitting in the wings in storage. Let's fire those up. It just doesn't make any sense. At least it's better than when they used to make them pay

where it'd be like, hey, you know, your father, he's hanging out in purgatory. He got a little bit of cashola. Might be able to, you know, tell the priest to send a good word. And then, like, some poor peasant who can't fucking read gives him a gold coin oh that's so terrible that's so awful to do that's how I'd be running shit

that's man those were the great times when you could just tell people something and they'd believe it there was no internet there wasn't even everybody was illiterate that would be so good to live somewhere where no one else can read and you've got the book that they all believe.

You can just say whatever you want. It says here, I'm going to get 100 bucks from all of you or hell. I know some of you don't have $100, but you do have daughters. Head on over to Deuteronomy, see what it says about that. Yep, yep.

Daughters will work. Seems you have to watch, too. Anytime someone else who can read comes into town, you're like, witch! Witch! Some guy comes in with a book, you're like, this motherfucker is going to ruin my grift. Burp, get him out of here!

That's Satan! Oh, are you questioning the man who reads the sacred symbols? This is basically how Mormonism was created. Yeah. Mormonism, that guy snuck in that guy snuck in at the last possible moment in time to invent another religion.

The absolute last second. But even now, most Scientologists, how much do they really believe? They're in slave camps. I think a lot of them believe. I don't know. I don't know. Why do you think they're doing it, Taylor, if they don't believe? I think that, at least based on a couple of the interviews I've watched with ex-Scientology people,

a big reason they stay in is because part of the onboarding process is giving up a lot of secrets and things that could be damaging to you professionally or personally. And so then you pretty much have to stay involved. Otherwise, you'll be fucked. So they got conned at least at one. They were believing in the start then. Exactly. Yes, yes.

So you come in because you believe they give you the Free testing or whatever and then Auditing you spill your audit you spill Your guts about all these things they pressure you Into saying things that you otherwise wouldn't And then oh I admit to a bunch of shit that wasn't even true I'm just talking about some other

Guy but uh Do that kind of thing that might be kind of fun go get a free Scientology audit see if my humors are in balance oh I think you can can you buy an e-meter that'd be sick what's an e-meter it's what they use to gauge

your thetan level if you don't have a high level of thetans is it thetans then you're probably is it thetans well you want a low thetan level right is that right 300 bucks 300 they sell them on amazon they sell them on ebay an e-meter oh you can also get a 383 stroker crate engine here for $5,000. That's a nice engine. I'm going to save this for later.

$310 for a Mark Super 7 Quantum E-Meter Electrometer Professional Hubbard Scientology No. 1. That's a good price for that. Number one. Yeah, so you hold each handle and the guy watches the readings on the other side determines your body things do you know what body thetans are they're supposed to be the so i know that you know i'm saying woody knows what body thetans are uh no i assumed it was uh like the jedi thing the midichlorians yeah i was gonna call them midichlorians which i know is wrong but yeah okay so so body thetans are uh so long ago the intergalactic ruler xenu he was like the big bad of this religion um he uh reigned over many star systems and he had an overpopulation problem in his in his galactic empire so he rounded up

billions of people um aliens and he flew them to earth in spaceship that looked spaceships that looked a lot like dc-10s and he dumped them into Earth's volcanoes. And their souls arose from the volcanoes and came to inhabit the bodies of early man, when we were really not much more than early primates. And we evolved further into man, but those Thetans, the souls of those long-dead aliens still inhabit our bodies, and they, the souls of those long dead aliens still inhabit our bodies. And they are the cause of really all of our negative emotions, actions, feelings, you know, greed and selfishness and pride.

The aliens are bad. Yes. Their presence in us is bad, whether or not they at one time were bad or not. Their presence in our bodies is causing all these negative things. And so only through Scientology and more specifically through auditing can you remove these and become a more enlightened, better person. become a more enlightened, better person. That's why they don't believe in therapy and therapeutic drugs

like the antidepressants and such because they believe that depression and things like that, all mental illness really is caused by these body thetans and so to treat it with drugs is sort of like an abomination you know it's it's turning your back on the true cause of them which is the body things so instead of christian science in that way yeah so instead of solving the the the the depression or whatever it is with auditing and you know scientology in general going to pharmacology is a big no-no.

Yeah. We went to a Christian science church when we were in high school, or maybe it was middle school, so they could tell us what they believe in everything. And one of the ladies had glasses, and their whole thing was don't go to the doctor, because if you pray hard enough, God will deliver you through it.

And this nerdy kid was like, I noticed your assistant has glasses. Is that because because if you pray hard enough, God will deliver you through it. And this nerdy kid was like, I noticed your assistant has glasses. Is that because she didn't pray hard enough? And I thought that was really funny. Everybody laughed at these people. And we were like 12 or 13. Yeah. So, yeah.

Just go with one of the mainstream Christianities. If one of them is going to be right, it's going to be one of the main ones. It's not going to be Mormonism. It's not going to be Christian science. Why do you think one of the main ones would be right? Why do you think the odds are better? I don't know.

Catholicism has been around a long time, right? Judaism. I think the Jews got it right. The Jews got it right. Yeah. They were around before anybody else? No, you know what? The Zoroastrians prior to... Do not bring up the Zoro it right. Yeah. They were around for anybody else? No, you know what? The Zoroastrians prior to...

Oh, do not bring up the Zoroastrians. Well, I mean, that's what Judaism and Christianity is based on, right? I'm aware. It's the first monotheistic religion. Very true. Very true. I don't know much more about Zoroastrianism than that. That's pretty much all I got, too.

Good. I was hoping you wouldn't outclass me on Zoroastrian knowledge. I'm really glad. That's all you know because it's a little bit more than i knew and i bring it up and kyle's like oh yeah originating in the fertile crescent uh 6 000 bc is that the one that has a few other things in common like christmas december 25th no but heaven and hell and satan character but they did celebrate like the saturnalia and the the winter solstice and stuff like that, and it just kind of transcends. Because that's what it used to be, right?

The Romans celebrated the winter solstice celebration, and then when Christianity, when Constantine dictated that that would be the official religion of the Roman Empire, then they transitioned to the current celebration. Well, see, the Romans were only... So it's a combination of a lot of things. It's all about like melding cultures together whenever an empire is conquering. So all those Germanic tribes that were celebrating like their pagan winter solstice holidays

were conquered by the Romans. You kind of had to bring them into the fold of Christianity. So they just made it part of Christianity. bring them into the fold of christianity so they just made it part of christianity that that's that's a big part of why christmas is that's why christmas is celebrated in late december we don't know when fucking jesus was born or when he died i wish the new year was more tied into like the winter solstice or one of them maybe the day when the sun's the first day of summer the first day of winter right winter solstice is when our side of the hemisphere is farthest from the sun am i right about that

something like that yeah so winter solstice or summer solstice should be the first day of the year that'd be better and then you'd know like oh it's day 180 this is winter it's day one that summer it's a better system that's probably a good reason for it not being that way i think It's day 180. This is winter. I agree. It's day one that summer. It's a better system. That's probably a good reason for it not being that way. I think there's... Maybe just laziness. I saw something where it's like,

we could have a 10-month year with 35 days per month each month, and it would line up at XY. This is so long ago. I don't remember all the details, but I remember finishing it being like, this guy's making a lot of sense. But I'm also not going to learn about milliliters and such.

But it's 36 and a half days per month. Wonder what his plan was for the other day and a half. Vacation, I hope. Maybe we just shorten the year. Yeah, the Julian calendar is just inherent. Just shorten the way we count it. Everybody gets older a little faster but we have to circle the like the earth has to rotate that many times for pish posh okay

i can't agree with that you got me yeah suddenly 16 year olds can buy beer you know because they went around enough times yeah that's a good idea not really the metric year i am kind of digging it we should have you know i wish we switched to the metric system like when i was in kindergarten me too because now i don't want to learn it and it's just ingrained in my head that i don't think in those terms you know like i don't like i know it well enough. I mean, well enough, but it's like, I don't think, if I see something going like 80 kilometers an hour, you know, 100 kilometers an hour, it's like,

I have to, in my head, be like, okay, 100 kilometers an hour, that's like 60 miles an hour, right? Right around there, I think. Something like that, that I don't know. But like measurements and weights, I got. Why? But that's a measurement. No, it's a speed. It's a measurement times a time though it's it's different like like i could picture 80 miles an hour because i've done it

like like and i know which animals can do it but like i have no idea what runs 100 kilometers per hour and i have no idea like off the top of my head what it's like to drive 100 kilometers an hour but if you tell me something is 50 meters long i know how long a yard is and i can imagine that plus like whatever it is 58 inches or whatever the fuck i'm with you on distances i'm also i'm better at speeds it sounds like and i'm not as good at the weights and the volumes i'm okay a kilo is like 2.2 pounds right yeah i think so look at us yeah but if you tell me like an engine 18 kilos, I'm like, or better yet, if someone's weight drops from like, quick, what does a person weigh? 60 kilos?

And they drop that to 58 kilos? I don't have a real good observation on that. Yeah, I've still got to think about that. Yeah. You know who's the worst? Those fuckers saying stone stone how on earth am i supposed to watch a good fat person show across the pond when they're like marcus way susan entered wearing 29 stone after only a month she's down to 27 stone it's like how is that helpful how much is a stone if it's that much

how is that helpful? How much is a stone? If it's that much weight, do they say you lost half a stone? You lost a couple pebbles? Yeah. Jordan weighs four boulders. A stone is 14 pounds.

That's so inconvenient. Yeah, it doesn't multiply well either. You know what, but I do like the way that you can... I'm going to start telling people my weight in stone. That's a much lower number. It's a much lower number. I weigh 3 stone and 47 pebbles. I don't even know what country does that.

Scotland? I think it's England. England? I always hear it when it's like British-English fighters. It's when it comes up in my world. Oh, I didn't consider that. At 14 pounds, every weight class could be another stone for a bit. Yeah.

The 10 stone class, the 11 stone class. Actually, that would pretty much line up. I need to take a look at the master stones to figure this one out. I need to see their stones. Some guy. Seamus, maybe we should do something a bit

more precise. I've already got the stones! Put them on the fucking scale and put me on it. Seamus is the scariest guy in the village. I'm not telling him he can't do the stone thing. I know it's retarded. You tell him. I'm not doing it.

Stones are only there because he threw them. I'm not fucking with Seamus. Remember that game from Braveheart where you would stand and throw stones at each other? Yeah. I totally forgot about that. And Mel Gibson's like the genius who finally picks up a little stone and just whips it at the other guy instead of throwing a big boulder

nobody nobody else thought of that yeah that that's illustrating early on that this guy's he's thinking outside the box right he's not gonna conform to your silly rules and grab a boulder like everybody else just whips that stuff man i'm i'm due for a rewatch on that movie oh there's an edit where that's much better where his death is the first thing that happens and then the rest of it is his flashback and that way you end the movie on a much higher note because i don't know about you but every time i watch it i'm just like all right it's it's coming like it's all downhill from here boys that's the last battle really and uh now the they're gonna betray him and and then it's just torture town and it's just if you don't watch the last 20 minutes pretty uplifting film yeah exactly but in the re-edit

it's like a fan edit you know just the king's prime and nocta right is what kicks the whole nocta does it does the king sleep with her or just try to I think he gets to fuck her because are you talking about William Wallace's girl yeah I kind of remember what they're trying to fuck William Wallace's girls at somebody else's I was doing it to a lot of people well they married in secret so that that would not happen and then what what like gets that gets the ball rolling in the story is that some soldiers were trying to rape her like completely unrelated and william wallace goes and beats the shit out of them and then as they're riding out of town together she gets hit in the head and falls off her horse and he

doesn't realize it because they were splitting up and and then before he can get back to help her, they slit her throat. Ah. That's worse than... Spoiler alert from 1994. That's worse than raping her, really. Did I get that right? Was it 94?

I'm going to say 91. I'm going to say 95. Damn it, I think Woody's right. 95. Fuck. I just thought that with the other two numbers out there, I would be closer 95 and up. I didn't know.

I was just like, ooh, I got a big range if I choose that. Well, we've still got Macaulay Culkin on you. You do. In fairness, that's not a name. Macaulay Maculkin. Yeah, Macaulay Culkin on you. You do. In fairness, that's not a name. Macaulay Maculkin. Yeah, Macaulay Maculkin. That would be like the retarded clone. I'm Macaulay Maculkin.

I'm Macaulay Maculkin. None of his traps work. He just gets kidnapped by the burglars. Joe Pesci beat me until I was like this they call him a dirty animal or filthy animal I liked that movie as a kid that was one of my favorite favorite movies

as a kid like top two for sure like that and Bedknobs and Broomsticks those were the two movies I watched over and over with Angela Lansbury she's like an apprentice and bed knobs and broomsticks those are my or the two movies i watched over and over with angela lansbury um the one where she's a like an apprentice witch in england and it's world war two times and uh she has she has subscribed to press professor amelius brown's school of

witchcraft and wizardry and she's got like she's like a mail order witch she's getting like the books and literature from him and he just copied all this shit down and he's selling it because he's like a scam artist and they work for her the spells work for her and she's got these three young children who are brothers and sisters who are hiding from the bombing in london and they go out they go to live with her they discover she's a witch and they go on these adventures with professor amel Brown. There's one part for like 25 minutes. It's animated. It's great. It's great. There's lots of songs.

You're at the age of not believing. There's something wonderful in you. The movie's from 1971 and Angela Lansbury's still alive. She's really hanging in there.

95 years old. I put her on the death pool, but... 95. 95. She's right there with Betty White nearly. Yeah. Oh, geez. Good, clean living.

God. Her 54-year-old, or 54 years of marriage to a guy, and then he dies of old age 17 years ago. That's got gotta suck. Fuck. You're just like, well, the person I've lived my whole life with isn't here anymore. Yeah, she's got a significant chunk of life

without him now. Yeah. The best years. 77? Do best years of your life. 77 to 95. Ding 95. 77 to 95 dude 95 god I hope not I hope I cash out before 95

fuck it don't worry you will oh I definitely will if I make it to 75 that's a pretty good run I'll take you out if you're napping too hard I start snoring annoyingly Kyle you'll be what 78 at that situation 75. That's a pretty good run. I'll take you out if you're napping too hard. I start snoring annoyingly. Kyle, you'll be what, 78 at that situation?

I'm going to take him out well before he gets into his 70s. Yeah. At four years apart or so, I don't think Kyle's going to age rapidly enough for me to take advantage of like, haha, I'm a spry 70 and he'll be 75 in six months where do you think your greatest advantage lies like like okay for example yeah 30 and 34 that's

probably not the biggest gap for example right where do you think like year-wise you would have your biggest athletic maybe 76 80 74 78 i think the longer it goes on the bigger the gap because like the difference between 96 and 100 is shocking honestly like maybe like 56 to 60 like you could still be a decently fit 56 year old 60s when your skin starts breaking down you start just looking horrific that is a time yeah that paper skin this is this is cutting a little close to home but i don't disagree this is you know that's 13 years from now well you guys want to want to call the show yep i'm gonna eat and play some zombies all right pka 518