Painkiller Already - PKA 604 W/ Dick Masterson: LAPD Raid, Crypto Is Bad, Trump Vs Elon

Episode Date: July 15, 2022

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The people calling me Zach. The people calling me Zach. The people calling me Zach. The people calling me Zach. The people calling me Zach. The people calling me Zach. gummy bears wonky weeds blue chew and the finest cum pills money can buy lock and load stop coming like a bitch come like a man code pka for 10 off anything at derrick's site gorilla mind or code jizz for 10 off of this product or i think does jizz work anywhere else on the site only one way

to find out jizz on the site too and see if that gives you a discount like kyle's priority line is so funny with like sponsors and like with sponsors and all of this stuff because for the lock and load, we'll have big business discussions and things in there, and then Kyle will just pop in with the most ridiculous, non-money-making idea of, how about this? We make your cum taste like pineapple. It's like, that's a great idea. That's not possible, man. Let's do a taste test and see if we can identify each other's cum.

You guys have really gotten degenerate since the last time I was on here. It sounded like a drug deal. You guys fell off the gummy bear's wagon, the weed wagon or something. Are we just falling off? Mean you do it? Yeah, no, we're jumping on the weed wagon. We're on the wagon. We're on the wagon. No, that means you don you do it? Yeah, no, we're jumping on the weed wagon We're on the weed wagon We're on the wagon No, that means you don't do it No, when I think of the bandwagon When I'm on the bandwagon, I root for that team

No, Dick's right, it's off the wagon When you're doing a bunch of something What about the cum wagon? Who's on the cum wagon here? We've always used the cum wagon Because, Woody, that's the old statement In old like woody that's like the old statement like in old timey movies if like the alcoholic character started drinking again they'd be like old crazy cletus he's off the wagon off the wagon yeah so that means you're and then he was back

on the wagon when he quit doing method okay here i thought it was a bandwagon just you woody i'm an alcoholic i know uh i've been told many different ways. My drinking is a problem. Trust me. That's that's one of them. Well, now that we have a subject matter expert on the board, why would I disagree? Yeah, I'll just line up. What's your what's your drink of choice, Dick? When you're whether you're relaxing or just getting tanked. I know you like wild turkey. Oh, yeah. Whiskey, a little gin. I try to stay away away from tequila,

but I'll take it. Pretty much anything as long as it's in front of me. I'm not one of the... You were talking about whiskey snobs before the show and I just can't get into that stuff. I don't understand what those guys are tasting. It's a little too... You don't taste the notes?

I don't know. You think they're faking it? I try to drink it so fast that it goes over my tongue and I don't taste it at all. But this one has a bouquet of used sweat sock. You're going to miss all that. Yeah. Oak. Someday guys are going to talk about pussy like that.

Like, oh, well this pussy had a nice flavoring of bubble gum. That's the future. Ooh, aged exactly 18 years. That's the future. Ooh, aged exactly 18 years. That's the pills we need to create. Maybe we can flavor women. Yeah. These are business ideas.

Don't take it, crowd. No, a pill that made you smell nice would be a good thing, too. There's dozens of dollars to be made. I already have the pill to make your cum taste different if we want to get on that market. I've spoken to Derek about it. No, market. I've spoken to Derek about it. No, no, I've spoken to Derek about it. The amount of bromelain you'd need in your stomach would borderline kill you. You can handle the bromelain.

You just have to space it out, goddammit. And the injections barely hurt. Taylor, what the fuck? Does it cause autism? You can't handle your bromelain injections. If you have too many of these cum pills. Look, if you try to run that much bromelain past your liver, you're going to fucking die. Are you kidding me?

Of course, it's bromelain injections. Into the testicles. I don't know why you guys aren't taking your supplements anally. I feel like you're just not committed. I take as much as I can back there, but after a while, you get sick. There's more than one way to bypass the intestine. That's where you inject your teeth, into your sphincter or into your ass whatever i'd trick my girlfriend to do it at night if i say if i forget my supplements just when i'm sleeping shove them up there

roll me over and get them in i have to take it i'm very religious about my you need your b vitamins yeah to stay good is that the supplement you're talking about? Or like a big horse pill? I mean, whatever. Whatever you got. Anything that goes up there is good in my... Do you remember when it was coming out? This was probably like a year and a half ago now. When a bunch of American politicians flew over to China. And right then, China was like,

Oh, we're doing new tests. Will you bend over and we shove it in your ass? And they put out a report on like South China today or whatever. That's like all incoming, you know, Congress people or legislators will be required to do this extra safe test. And it's like this is literally just a humiliation ritual from a global enemy. I do remember what you're talking about. It's just a humiliation ritual. There's nothing more effective about it.

They just wanted to make fucking Kamala Harris bend over so they could fucking swab her ass. I don't know. Anybody else that would have been bad. Like Lindsey Graham's cutting him off. Big booty Latina. Come on, Taylor. Kamala Harris. Finally AOC

is good for something. Lindsey Graham's like, now this is just a violation of my rights but i do enjoy the rules are you sure you got in there you sure lindsey graham's gonna put some booty shorts on and get it what about me i got a big boot i could i could be a latina i got a little bit of latina on me more than warren does come on alex come on have you guys had Alex Stein on the show? No. So I saw on your Twitter feed just before this, I liked it. So fill us in on that funny clip from Alex. Oh, yeah. Alex Stein is a nut.

He's the comedian. He's the guy who was going to those town hall meetings and rapping about how you need to go to Ukraine. Like full on with a little boom box, wrapping up, calling the council members cowards because they're not going to go fight for his freedom in Ukraine. He wore this,

this hideous unitard. Like he's a really big guy and his body is like a Frankenstein, like a rectangle shaped. He put on a unitard and said he was a lady and he was like screaming at these town councils in Plano Texas for trans swimming rights this guy rocks with a straight face so he goes he he's like the next Alex Jones I swear he's he's so intense like oh my god dude I can't um he was saying he was shouting at AOC today, that's my favorite big booty Latina, my favorite big booty Latina over there,

and she turned around and gave a victory sign, but then when she saw that she was getting made fun of on Twitter, she melted down. She's like, oh, it's horrible that some man would come and say that I have a big, fat, juicy ass, and he's like, I didn't say that. I just said big booty Latina. She goes, he was just saying how big and juicy my butt was like she's totally exaggerating and saying how offensive it was like

bitch you're we're fucking starving and we're paying 12 a gallon for gas we can't eat and you're talking about some guy saying you have a big butt fuck you yeah no one compliments my ass not anymore yeah uh He's funny. The funniest part of that video I saw was like immediately after it happened, AOC went to like do her little video and she like gets to the top of the steps on the Capitol or whatever the fuck she is. And she's like starts. I didn't like listen to the audio of it because I saw it just a second ago.

And she like tilts up the phone so she can get the guy in the background. Oh, yeah. And this guy and he is looking for her and he starts, like, waving at her, like, trying to get and she immediately, like, pans back up and is like, this is unacceptable, this is, and it's like, It's hilarious. It's like Steve Buscemi in

Billy Madison when he shows up and shoots that guy. Oh, like that. He's like, like, right in her eye. Oh, this guy, you see this fucking guy? She's like a movie poster. This fucking guy said I had the fattest ass that he's ever seen and she because like she was afraid like wants to make it seem like the most sinister thing in the world and then just seeing this absolute goober limp wristedly waving in the background this is so funny i didn't know how much other shit he did so he i mean anyone who trolls low-level politicians is a hero.

Yeah, he's a character. Yeah, because what are they really taking care of in Plainville, Texas? Like a new stop sign? That probably made their day. A couple of council members guaranteed they went home and had a fun time. Yeah, you'd think so, man. It's actually kind of hard to find AOC pictures of her ass. That can't be possible.

Right, you'd think they'd be a dime a dozen. Satellites and, you know. I have seen too many pictures of Nancy Pelosi's tits. Like, guys, it was funny the first time, but stop pretending that these are like big, juicy mama milkers here. Come on.

Does Nancy Pelosi have big boobs? Yeah. Now we're going to see them again. I'm kidding. Zach, show us Nancy Pelosi's hair. They're getting bigger. They're getting bigger every year. While you're at it, see if you can find AOC's ass.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but not the college dancing one. Oh, look at that. Wow. Take my right from me. She's in a bathing suit, too! They got one of her in a bathing suit! Oh, my taxes are far too low! Yes, ma'am!

Not getting anything but sand out of those at this point. She's rocking a one-piece from Sears and Robux that she pulled out of the closet. Look at those big fucking cans. Oh, my God. I mean, I bet that really helped her get into office in like, what, the 1930s or however old she is when she ran? Oh, come on. Don't take her accomplishments away.

How old is she? 90? 117. Who is this? Is this AOC? Oh, wow. AOC looks great. That's her in college, though. She's only like 28, right? Yeah. I thought she was 28 like five years ago. How old is she?

I live in a temporal bubble. She's 32. I mean, it didn't fall off or anything. It's still there. You know what I mean? I'm sure she's got a big ass. I don't know. Oh, you want a current ass picture.

That's what you're saying. I'm saying 20s are a rough decade on girls sometimes. A lot of women are hot at 21. But you're looking for a bad picture of AOC's ass, and I'm looking for a good picture of it. These are very different angles we're taking. I just want a realistic picture of what she's working with now. 21-year-olds with a hot butt are a dime a dozen.

You get in your later 20s, and now you know whether you've invested in the right one. Now a 13-year-old with a hot butt, whoa, that's your real money. So I alluded to that story on PKN, and I was told that I could tell that story if you guys want to hear it. The old-fashioned. Yeah.

All right. So I'm going to try to start at the beginning and just know that I've had to interview three different people to get all of this. And so if I get things just a little bit misconstrued with the timeline, I apologize, but I'm doing the best I can. There's just so much to take in. So this is a story about a guy who's 21 years old,

who's tangentially related to some friends of mine and their gaming group. How's his ass? Big. He's about to tell the Big. He's about three. He's 300 pounds. He's a 21-year-old guy. And he's a virgin. And he's a very fragile, emotional guy, it turns out. I put that together through a lot of these stories.

But long story short, they're doing this big meetup. Everybody's going to meet at one guy's house, and they're going to party and hang out, kind of like what I did in Colorado with my buddies. But they're doing this big meetup. Everybody's going to meet at one guy's house, and they're going to party and hang out, kind of like what I did in Colorado with my buddies, but they're going somewhere else. I find it hard to believe that 21-year-old 300-pound virgins watch a dope show

like this, but carry on. They said he doesn't watch anymore, so it's cool. So he drives 16 hours to this friend's house this gaming friend they all meet the house let's call it three or three to five of them and um they're trying to figure out the sleeping situation right because it's not a mansion and he's like oh don't even worry about me i like to sleep on the floor in my sleeping bag just like at the dorm he's he hasn't ever slept

in a bed he's been sleeping in a sleeping bag on the floor always. That's how he feels comfortable. No beds for him. Don't worry about it. So he also notices. I have to grow out of there. Like the blind side? He also notices that the grass isn't cut at this guy's house,

his host. He's like, hey, I noticed your grass wasn't cut. He's like, yeah, I don't know. And so the guy wakes up the next morning. They partied that night, so call it 11 a.m and this we'll call this guy pete pete pete is our star pete cut the fucking grass at 5 a.m that that morning with this man's lawnmower not only that because the man doesn't own an edging tool like a weed eater he went and got one so that he could edge this man's yard up real nice the 21 year old 300 pound virgin is out doing labor out out at the crack of dawn

cutting this man's yard and edging it up without being asked or asking for permission himself so they go to the casino that night right and they're uh he he they're they're like you know playing slots and stuff like that, just penny slots. And someone's explaining to this Pete how casinos work, how there's no clocks on the wall so you can't tell where you are, and all this money is just getting poured in. And I know I'm losing right now. I just don't care.

And he starts crying. Pete starts crying because it's such an awful thing. At the idea of gambling? At the idea of sort of Western civilization and how wasteful and vice-filled we are. And just the casino environment, it upsets him so much he cries. He's like the Green Mile. He's working on his pain.

So that night they decide after a bit of gambling, they're going to go to the strip club, right? Let's see some titties, right? strip club, right? Let's get some titties, right? So they're walking in and one of the guys, who's normal, says, when's the last time you saw a lady's tits in person? And he goes, oh, maybe two weeks

ago, my mom was changing. I was hanging out with her, having a chat and she was changing. That's hilarious. And they go, you didn't you looked at your mom's boobs? He's like, well, we were having a conversation. It's rude to just turn your back.

Okay. He's right. Norman Bates now. If I was talking to you when you turned your back, Kyle, I wouldn't like that. Dick, the things are going to start adding up here very quickly. So we get into the strip club and the boys know that this guy's a virgin so

they're like let's send him in the back with a girl and let's tell her it's on us and you know let's let's let him have some fun looking him up yeah he's a rough looking guy let me just say that right out the gate i don't know what you're picturing but rough like wild west like pirate or rough like hodor when he was a younger fella um Okay. And so Pete goes in the back with this vile fucking stripper. But by the time it's over, he has gotten himself a condom on $500 handjob. Wait, what? A condom on $500 handjob right there in the background.

I didn't know they did that, condom on. All right, all right. Okay. And at some point, she gets on his phone and is literally trying to transfer money out of his bank account. He's like, no, don't do that. And so get in the car, and they're driving home, and they hear a noise in the back of the car.

Again? He's sobbing because the handjob was so traumatic. He's sobbing over the traumatic handjob. And what's more, and I'm not going to laugh at this because it's so dark, that night and every night afterwards, he had night terrors about the handjob and how traumatic it was. I was just laying there. I was awake

but I couldn't move. I was beating my dick. Nocturnal emissions with his night. The first ever case. He decides there's only... He gets the phone and transfers all his money. That's where I have the night terrors. It gets so much worse. How? He decides

there's only one cure for these night terrors. He has to replace that terrible sexual experience he had with a good one. So what does he do? Get on Tinder? Maybe hit the scene? Like going bar to bar? Just talking to girls? No.

He finds himself a prostitute. She's an hour, two hours away or something. She's $200 an hour and one hour away. That's the score. She's pretty hot i'm told like like think hot chick i don't i looked at her profile and it's just her ass so it's you know i don't that's all i got to go on but they said she was pretty he drives an hour and he buys an hour with her but he's so scared that they cuddle and watch tv for the entire hour. And she's like, honey, I've got another date after this.

Like, that's it. And he's like, okay, thank you, ma'am. And he drives back to them an hour back. But he's still horned up and he's talking to them. He's like, you know what? I think I'm ready. I think I'm ready. So he calls her back up.

You gotta be running out of money. No, he's, he's, trust me. You've got to be running out of money. No. Trust me. He's got way too much. The girl who was trying to transfer the money out of his bank account, she almost got it all. But the prostitutes and the strippers, they're not there yet. He decides, I can do it this time.

So he books two hours this time. Good call. One for TV. Virgins don't know for how long they last. He gets himself a good 30, 40 minutes of cuddling in and then and then he had he says he has sex with her twice and it lasted for a total of a minute and 15 seconds uh both times no no he also described he also have in theory booked 90 seconds instead of this this guy tells the truth too much this is the most criminally honest person on earth good so when he kills somebody

he'll confess right away he described her on top of him as missionary so it's hard to tell if they actually had doggy or if what that actually meant but but that's what he said happened. And then he had 30 more minutes on the clock after he came the second time, and she was like, you know what? I'm just gonna fucking go. I'm peacing out, and she just

left. Straight up left. And so he drove back again. I'm imagining he's paying for hotels each of these trips out there as well. She's not getting a good CustSat survey. No. He was so pleased with the service. I want to see her Yelp reviews. I'll send it later.

She's a whore! And five stars! My friend who was the host, you know, it's his house who's getting, like, the yard done every night. He said, I had stocked the house with snacks because I'm having all these guys come in. I've got beer and drinks and all sorts of cookies and stuff. He's like,

have you ever seen an obese person stress eat? And I started thinking about it. No, I haven't. When Wings of Redemption was at my house, I'll say this about Wings. When he was at my house, I'll say this about Wings. When he was at my house, regardless of exercise or whatever, he did not go crazy with food ever once unless he really somehow like snuck out in the night. And I do not believe that happened. He never went crazy

with his diet at all. He said this guy went and got a 12 pack of moon pies. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, Zach, but I think a moon pie is about 400-450 calories. A moon pie is graham cracker, marshmallow in the middle, and it's all covered in chocolate. It's just three different kinds of sugar. It's three different kinds of sugar, and they're wonderful.

Oh, that's all. I don't feel so bad. I think there's big ones, though. See, these are the big ones. They're individually packed. What's a serving serving size like a third of a moon pie that's how they get you he goes and gets a 12 piece bat box of them and my friends like i looked over and i saw you had the box and then i started watching tv for a few minutes and we made it like eight minutes into a video and i looked back and he'd eaten eight of them and i said bro they're individually wrapped for a reason i was like you did not say

that you did not say that to his face he's like i did i swear on my mother's life oh and one more thing um they were chilling on the couch and uh like my friends you know he's on his own couch like curl up on the couch watching tv or whatever maybe there's a group of guys around it's dark it's night and pete he said pete is very pedestrous which means he can like do stuff with his feet and he's always trying to play footsie with you and trying to pinch your toes with his big toe and his i thought pedestrous was when you could molest a child with both hands it was like when they told me all these stories like like they you know oh and then another time i don't know if i mentioned this but they're in the living room partying like drinking and

smoking and like music's playing and uh and all of a sudden they hear and he's sobbing again in his sleeping bag behind the couch. Is that five cries? He cried every night. Oh, my God. I think that might be the fifth cry. He's like a foster dog. He cried like the whole fucking time. Like a foster dog. Oh, and then the last thing,

and this one kind of made me feel bad about the whole thing. Like the last day he was there, I think it was time for him to go. But he drove himself, so what time are you going to leave? You're going to leave at 10 a.m., right, buddy? buddy no it's like noon or something he's still there and he asked the host he goes hey could uh could we please watch the last episode of the boys together and he was like he asked kyle he asked so pol, there was no way to tell him no. I like it. So we sat and we watched the last episode, but I made him keep his shoes on. So no, there was no footsie pinching?

No footsie. Going on? Why did this happen? Was this like an outreach program for special needs weirdos? It's just him trying to party with a bunch of guys, and they invited a guy they'd never hung out with before and and there's a few other things but i can't tell them because it makes other people look bad too and i don't want to do that but the whole thing is real sad real sad and when i kept hearing the story from different people and each person had more details

and the first person who told the story was him by the way so don't think i'm like talking behind his back like he told us this fucking story it is one of the saddest things i've ever heard and the the mom stuff and then you know the pinching my buddy's feet with his toes is just so bizarre i do i i that that would upset me i don't want someone else's feet touching my feet or i don't want someone else's feet touching me like not a man when i was four when i was when i was four years old my grandpa would do that it's like a oh i'm gonna get you kind of thing i don't want a grown-ass man doing that shit to me in 2022 though okay like taylor if we were chilling on the couch stoned like watching lord of the rings and you started

pinching my if you are like even more realistically if you try to like pull like watching Lord of the Rings. And you started pinching my... Even more realistically, if you tried to pull a tuft of the hair that's on my feet and make some Hobbit reference with your toes, I'd get up and leave. You know what I would do if you didn't leave? I'd be like, this fucking weirdo just let me do that. Bro, you were supposed to freak out. I thought I was being edgy. I was giving you a shit test, and you failed.

Get the hell out, sir. So fucking weird. I feel bad for this guy. First of all, what was the total amount of cash he was out? I feel bad for the hooker. Well, not the first hooker. The first hooker got to watch fucking King of the Hill for an hour and then go to the next job.

And toe cuddle with this guy. He just booked the same girl again. Oh, no. The hot one, though. Yeah, it was a hot girl he had sex with. She's not transferring all his bank account money and she's hot and she fucked him twice in two hours. And I told him, I was like, that makes sense

because I think of hookers as, I don't know, decent women making a living the old-fashioned way. And I think of strippers as vile reptiles who can't be trusted, who'll go through your phone and steal your money. He's also acting like, it seems like in his head, being 21 and a virgin is like being 31 and a virgin.

You're 21. You've got time to get it together. You're fine. No, I don't have it together. I don't know. I don't know what I don't know what this person looks like. I'm saying he's got time to put it together. He's 21 years old.

A young Hodor tall. That speaks to. He's got grass stains on his shirt. It's six in the morning from secret midnight yard trimming. The most bullshit thing that I heard in that whole story was this guy thought he was being courteous by mowing the lawn at 5 a.m. Dude, that is so...

I would be livid if my neighbor started doing lawn work at 5 a.m. Which dude is he, Kyle? Camera dude? The one holding the camera. That'd be funny, right? Which one are you? I just like to take the pictures. So you're into photography no i just prefer it that way um as um you know i wrote it in there which one he is um he needs uh yeah stop stop going he's i think he's fucking himself over

in the long run trying to speed run with his prostitute strategy you're wrong because he's gonna get older and older into his 20s without learning how to organically get something going in a conversation. You're wrong. Nah, yeah, that's good experience. Here's what I think. I don't think, and like straight honesty,

based on how odd he is and, again, being very honest here, you know, how he looks there, I think that he's going to, what he really needs to do is learn how to negotiate with prostitutes better. That's his that's his best ticket in life. Like learn how to negotiate with prostitutes better. And here's what you'll you'll achieve.

You'll achieve sex whenever you want it with women that you would never be able to sleep with otherwise. I don't know. We for free if you're quick i think this guy has more charm than you're letting on kyle i think he has a very good shot at the third most popular host on this podcast just based on his lawn care skills alone okay now that's fair that's fair i bet if you You'd let him mow your lawn at five? I let him do a lot. If he mowed my yard. Woody looking outside and Hodor's out there on his tractor just going to town. He's like, Woody, I noticed that you didn't have a certain kind of disc mower, so you can't really get the angles, but I went and rented one. No, certain parts of that story made me think of him in a good way,

and then certain parts made me very afraid of him, and like I would lock my door if he was at my house. So I don't know. Odd fellow, odd fellow. And the crying. I'd lock my door to my stable if he was at my house. The crying is a big thing. He's got to get a handle on the open weeping.

It's very unsettling to have a man openly weep around you. Here's a good question. When my mom died, I was like, come on, guys. There's a time and place for some crying. Taylor, I hope you get only one of those an episode of my mom died trump card. Oh, boy. Taylor, I hope you get only one of those an episode of my mom died Trump card. Oh, boy. If I had a nickel, Drew.

Here he goes. Bingo. We're drinking. Taylor talked about his mom dying again. Literally every time he's late. Taylor has an Asian accent. Okay, now that's fair. The Asian accent one, that is a bingo one. It's just so damn easy to do a bad one.

There's no critique there. My mom died, she tried to kill me. There's one other guy I've talked to who tried to do this multi-nut thing with prostitutes. This guy's called into my show a couple times. I talked to who tried to do this, this multi nut thing with prostitutes. Like his, this guy's called into my show a couple of times. Um, he's on, it started out really innocent.

He was trying to fuck this, uh, this girl he'd been writing to in prison and, uh, she was playing hard to get. Who's in prison? The girl. The girl was in prison and he was writing to her and, uh,

uh, she started, she wasn't responding to him fast enough cause you know, was in prison, and he had a problem with that. And it turned out he's like a huge psycho who's not legally allowed to use the internet in Australia because he's harassing people too much. I like this guy. Let's get him on the show.

Oh, dude, he's crazy. He's banned from online. In Australia. So he'll write me emails about how he just, he's like on his way to see a new prostitute, and he'll have like a bottle of champagne on the subway to meet her. And he talks about how many times he'll come in his hour of seeing these prostitutes. But then I found out he's on the prostitute blackball website.

They've got a private, they've got a private, it's in Australia where prostitution is legal in some places. They've got their own private prostitute website where you have to be proved that you're a prostitute to join. And he's got the biggest thread there like he's like the jack the ripper but he still manages to find hookers uh who will fuck him it's so funny but does he not pay them like he no no why are the reviews so bad because he's a he's a fucking lunatic like he will never he tries to get as much as possible he's the biggest wheeler dealer in the world when it comes to hookers he's like so okay so I see like 150 bucks for you know a condom blowjob okay so like do you think that I

could get you pregnant and they'll be like no sorry honey like they have their like whore talk you know like oh baby Uh, no, I don't think so. Let's just, they don't, but they don't realize how crazy he is. They're like, okay, you know, and then he'll send them, like, a readout of his testosterone levels. Like, and his semen count,

which he sends to me, too. I don't know why, because he's crazy. Is it a good count? It must be if he's sending pamphlets about i don't i don't know if it's a good count like i i didn't read it i think it's a really bad count so he's like come on let me bust i want to know what his testosterone count is oh shit i could i'll pull it up let me i'll try to find it during an ad read um i'd love to know no so this guy is blackballed from all of the whores in Australia. I want to know more about this.

He didn't even steal. Here's where my head immediately went to. Here's a site, and you have to prove you're a prostitute to get access to the site, which in my mind thinks, well, I make a website, and then every prostitute has to fuck me to get access to it. What better way is there to prove your bona fides than to sleep with the webmaster? You start a site called reliableprostitutes.woody and

then it's like, oh, I'm sorry, do you want a place on reliableprostitutes.woody? You're going to have to come over and complete my survey. This is like a monkey paw wish. Uh-oh. Then you'll hear the thundering in the distance of the stampede of fat prostitutes coming to your house. Like, oh, shit. I didn't think this one through.

I forgot to set it to female only. Trans entrances in the back, please. Trans entrances in the back, so to speak. Yeah, but I didn't know. Maybe they're blue shoe users they try to like keep it hard and disguise their nut he he's walked me through some of his experiences where he's like oh yeah then i nutted and i didn't let her know so we kept going uh you know man that's i mean that sounds like fun kind of the way you're saying it i don't know if it is though

i mean it seems like he just rips women off. He's just really trying to get as much for as little. Yeah. Good for him. That's a conscious consumer. It's the art of the deal, I'll strike it out. I mean, a little negotiation is just to be expected. How about you suck my cock and thank me for it?

Oh, there's $150 with a blowjob? I could save you $2. $148, no blowjob. Have you seen this ass golfing in a Bearcackeys? Because we were talking about asses earlier. Trump, I don't know. He's up there in the donk category. Huge ass.

But something else I wanted to talk to you about, Dick, tonight is I don't know jack shit about crypto at all. And I don't follow any crypto accounts, but I follow you on Twitter. And so when I see stuff about crypto, I get such a kick out of it because it is you always ripping on crypto people. And absolutely. Like some news story will come out about like a crypto company crashing or some like guy like that took advantage of a bunch of people. And you'll be like, I told youards i fucking told you like what are you are you like over the

crypto thing you think it's a bunch of bullshit i just get a kick out of you making fun of those idiots i mean it's just like so full of scams dude every they're not even they're not even trying to hedge their risks and they're lying constantly. Like the ones that make it through, they offer these insane raids to trick people into coming onto their platforms. But people kind of don't have a choice because their money's like evaporating out from under them. And the SEC bends over backwards to like, I think to set people,

like these are all predatory crypto lenders or borrowers who take your money and then lend it out to other Ponzi schemes to give you half of that Ponzi scheme. But the SEC is driving people to these Ponzi scams and then sabotaging the Ponzi scams at the same time it's so it's so crazy to me i don't know how much you want me to get into it but there's been no there's so many people absolutely destroyed over the last couple months like i lost my life

savings i had two hundred thousand dollars sitting in this magical app that was giving me ten percent and i planned to like retire on that and now i'm fucked it's like well you dumb motherfucker like where did you think the money was coming from that you just you smartly downloaded an app and it was and then that was it like it's uh and it beat every market in history perpetually yeah uh it's so it's so sad i don't take a lot of pleasure in it, but you kind of have to. Well, I like when I see the high up guys getting in trouble. But then that thing you posted today, it was like some big amalgam site where people held their Bitcoin.

Celsius. Yeah, Celsius. And they are filing Chapter 11. And so everything that like every holder just lost all their shit. Like, well, they, I mean,

according to their books, they lost, I think one fifth, like they have, they've got a 4 billion in assets and they have 5 billion in liabilities. So chapter 11, hopefully they like with Madoff, they just pay all the little people out and fuck over the hedge funds.

Hopefully. Yeah. Hopefully normal people. Yeah fuck over the hedge funds, hopefully. Yeah, hopefully they're normal people. Yeah, but the guy who ran that company had like a porn star as his risk management fund lady. She would know. She's been dodging STDs as a career. Yeah. No, I'm still big on crypto.

It's still, you know, what happens. Are you still big on crypto it's still yeah are you still big on crypto oh yeah you think it's gonna make money uh i think it will be money i think that i think that money as we know it now um is something that only poor people will use in the future like they will live on half or 60 or 70 of the country will live on like credits that they get from the government and uh crypto as a ledger uh bitcoin a distributed ledger that's just more efficient than like the financial industry with the ownership and transactions stock transactions and settlement will be the money that wealthy people use like there'll be advertisements for well what kind, what do you want your subsidies in? McDonald's coins or, like, Facebook only fan pussy coins?

Sign it. Tell your entitlement officer what you want. God bless America. That's horrifying. That's a horrifying reality. I want those pussy coins. Yeah. You know, that guy could use some pussy coins

yeah actually no he'd just waste them he'd just fucking fritter them away to watch stripper would transfer all the coins to herself no that's very interesting like i i feel bad for like you said the normal people i see who is but at the same time i'll see stuff where it's like i had forty thousand dollars to my name and i put thirty eight thousand in you know x xln uh coin and it was growing twenty percent month over month for the past year and now it's worth thirty dollars and it's like like i can't feel that bad for you like like you you yeah you fucked yourself like if you can't feel that bad for you. Like, you fucked yourself. Like, if you can't afford to lose it, don't invest it. Yeah, and then there's the guys who will hit me up like,

hey, you told me to buy. You said this on your show, and I put money in, and now it's down. What do you think about that? And I'm like, well, how much did you put in? Like, $40. And so why don't you take that money and eat it or shove it up your ass? Go fuck yourself. Don't talk to me about $40.

Oh, you lost $5? Jesus Christ. Sorry. I've seen like a string of like viral content online of like family members texting their largely autistic sons long angry messages being like, you fucker. You told us at $4,000 to buy Ethereum.

You told us it would go up and now it's at $992. We're losing. And I'm sorry, Mom. Also, can't feel bad for the mom and dad there. They were like, wow, our son who is well on the spectrum told us to buy this magic money online. Let's throw everything at it. Have you guys been following the uh the bored apes thing

controversy at all okay so yeah the nfts you know that bored ape yacht club where it's like a bunch of dumb apes like looking okay right it was huge so it turns out that um the guys who started it were a bunch of 4chan trolls no and yeah and, yeah, and one of them's like, all this sounds like crazy coincidences, except one of them is like an art history master. He's got like a degree in art history and did his thesis on like Nazi art. So with that in mind, you have to look at the whole thing like, well, an art historian could not make these accidents. They embedded all this crazy Nazi imagery from the beginning.

And like their name, Yuga Labs, is based on this this Nazi meme of Kali Yuga, which is like this race war uprising meme thing. I don't know all the specifics, but it's this, I mean, it's Pepe Silva level card connecting. Pepe Silvia. Pepe Silvia level, which is, it's hilarious, because now all these celebrities are like walking back their $2 million JPEGs because they found out that it's all based in Nazi shit, and all the Nazi guys are like, oh, no, no, that's all totally ridiculous.

shit and all the all the nazi guys are like oh no no that's all totally ridiculous uh so what are there examples of that i haven't seen any of them with like swastikas or anything i don't imagine they'd be that ham-handed no they got all the ones i've seen are just like fucking retarded it's like a it's like an ape wearing like a a beanie and a pencil mustache or something yeah there's some with those kamikaze headbands from world war ii and prussian helmets and like a a prison jumpsuit but the jumpsuit it was like they launched the thing on hitler's birthday and like there's all these like really obscure things that will it will make you think you're crazy uh april 20th i mean so i heard um But then the guy's doing it. The guy doing it, Ryder Ribs.

He's this artist, famous pop culture artist, who's compiled this insane amount of coincidental information, all leading back to archived screenshots of the guy's wife's Instagram, where she has location of like Cowabungaabunga Kali Yuga like the actual Nazi references on their profiles from way back but they just won't admit it it's so funny it's so funny during the implosion of all this stupid NFT shit to see to see celebrities get skunked for having supported a Nazi JPEG so you're only Bitcoin. Are you not all in on NFTs? I think I think I think NFTs are a are an invaluable way to store ownership, a distributed way to store ownership. This is coming from someone who has had their bank accounts closed like it's nothing like every major bank in the US has shut down my account and then just mailed me a check in six to eight weeks with what was in it because they said i'm doing fraud and i'm not with

those accounts now that was though yeah yeah i mean i'm a i'm a big believer in like the the federal reserve and the government is uh just is is taking the wealth of like this whole country and stealing it with the banking system. And that NFTs and cryptocurrency are a way for people to actually own worth of some kind in a distributed way. You can own a piece of the Third Reich. Yeah. I don't know. do you what do you guys think about it are you big crypto guy i don't want to just sound like like that bro guy explaining shit like an asshole right no we're all too done when it's up i stay quiet when it's down

i pound on my chest about how smart i am for not having lost any money that that's You only lose if you sell, Woody. Eh, kind of. Unless it is the money. You could have that image forever. That could be yours. You could have your very own fucking, uh, what was that Nazi doctor? Mengele.

You could have your very own Borde Mengele. Monkey Mengele. Holding a Jew heart or whatever the fuck. It was – I can't believe they had Nazis. I forget if it was Bill Gates or Warren Buffett who was talking about Bitcoin. And he's like, it doesn't do anything. It's all based on the bigger fool theory.

That's his take on it, which kind of resonated with me. He's like, I can buy shares of a company. I can buyca-cola i can buy intel or microsoft or apple or whatever and then this company does stuff it actually makes things and sells stuff and creates more money then makes more products and grows and grows and grows hopefully into something big and successful bitcoin on the other hand doesn't do anything it's just like a bunch of numbers maybe letters. I'm not sure what a Bitcoin looks like. And you hope that somebody else will pay more for it.

Bend over. I'll show you. He said it. It kind of made sense to me. I was like, I kind of get it. If you need to put your money somewhere, I like to put it in stuff that does things. Try it like this. to put it in stuff that does things um try it try it like this so if if you want to if you want to prove to somebody on the other side of the world that you have money you got to go to the bank and your bank has to tell a bigger bank and that bank has to tell a bank that they trust who owns a bank that they belong to and both of those banks have to have a bunch of documentation that says you who

you are who you say you are. And that documentation is tied to a local government. The local government has a gigantic army on both sides to ensure the value of the money you have in your account is worth something and that the value that they have in their account is worth something. All of these all of these institutions are run, take oil, take resources, and take people to run. That's the current system. What Bitcoin has is a series of math. It's an algorithm that you could do anywhere. The grid could fail completely.

It's on satellites in space that as long as you have your private key, your string of words or digits, you can go to anybody else who's on the system and say, I have this much of this, I have this many bitcoins, and all you need to prove it is the words that I have in my head. So you don't need this gigantic financial industry to vouch for you. need this gigantic financial industry to vouch for you um you don't need all of the like all the all the computers and the mainframes and the file systems that they have to keep online uh all the people were all the fraud going around the clock like to say that woody has this money and he can send it to you that's all invalidated by the math that is the blockchain you just say these are the words i have put it into the algorithm that everyone has access to, like it's on the internet, and there you go. That's who I am.

I don't need any of that stuff anymore. So I think it's a quantum leap in technology in a lot of the way that the internet was. I'm occasionally smart, but I didn't understand a lot of that. I got a little lost on the, oh, Woody, trust me, Bitcoin is where the fraud-free environment is. That's where the safety and security comes in. That bank you have, ripe with fraud.

Everyone takes money out of your bank all the time. They are criminals, though. They do get hit with multi-billion dollar fines all the time, those banks. I'm such an idiot. I just listen to Dick's 45-second thing, and I and i'm like damn this seems like the future yeah i got a funnier story though because that bitcoin is kind of boring uh i got swatted a couple days ago did you guys see about that i saw the photo you posted online yeah have you guys been swatted before i have a couple times i don't know how many times but enough that i I don't know. I lost count. Oh, really?

I've had to talk to my local PD many times. Have you? Okay, what's the swatting like in your, I don't know exactly where you guys live, but LAPD, they really wanted to show off all their stuff on Sunday morning when I got swatted. I woke up to a phone call. I had been up doing drugs all night. I woke up to the phone call and said, hey, usually I don't even pick up the phone if I don't know the number. I woke up and the guy said, hey, this is the police. And I was like, okay. Uh-oh. And he goes, yeah, we had a call that you killed your wife. We had a call that you killed your wife and that we should come get you.

And I was like, oh, well, you know, first of all, I hope that's true, that I did kill my wife. But I kind of doubt it. She's not here. Anymore. I said, I think you're being, I said, wait, let me, uh, I think you, I'm, you're being pranked. Like this is a swatting that you're getting. I didn't kill my girlfriend. First of all, stop saying that. Stop saying the W word. I didn't kill my girlfriend. Uh, and he goes, huh? Huh? Okay. And then I, I wake up a little bit and I hear helicopters going around a sound. I haven't heard since I lived in Hollywood.

And I'm like, bro, are these helicopters for me? Like, I live in a nice area. So I haven't heard a helicopter. I haven't heard a ghetto bird in a long time. But I'm like, is this for me? He goes, yeah, we got a lot of guys out here. Oh, really? He goes, yeah, if what you're saying is true.

And I'm like, bro, it's true. Wait, wait, wait. I didn't shoot anybody. I definitely didn't shoot my fucking wife. By the way, it's pretty flattering. It's not that many guys. Yeah. I was like, how many guys you got?

It's not enough. You'll never see me alive, copper. Yeah, I didn't kill her. But now I think I might. Put down the phone! Put down the phone! I said, yeah, okay. And he goes, you got any more people in there with you?

Yeah, you know, breathe or not. I said, yeah, my buddy is here. He spent the night. He's in the other room. He goes, he's like really confused by this. I I'm kind of like disappointed I can tell they wanted to just come in and use all the cool yeah yeah and he's like okay well why don't you go wake him up and we're gonna need you to come outside don't go outside until I call you back like can I go outside a little bit no no no don't go

outside I said I have a dog in here and he goes, no, no, no, don't go outside. And I said, I have a dog in here. And he goes, no, no, no, hold on. I'll call you back. So I hang up the phone. And I'm like, fuck. How many felonies do I have? OK, let's go through guns. I know there's a bunch of drugs upstairs.

I got to start getting rid of this dude. So I go knock on my friends. I'm like, hey, buddy, wake up. The cops are here. We have to go outside. They get they think I killed my wife I didn't wake up come on out, and I get a text from my girlfriend who was out getting me acai bowls Every Sunday morning she takes our dog to the park and gets us acai bowls Which I hate because you eat it and then you're hungry in like an hour and a half, so I'm starving. I always end up eating more when she tries to get me to eat less, you know? I know how that is.

It's like 1.30. Now I'm angry and hungry. Second lunch. I need to pound some sausages down to get rid of that acai. So she goes, hey, I'm up with the the cops there's a shitload of cops here uh you better you better clean things up and get ready for their call i'm like no no i'm way ahead of you don't don't worry i've taken everything don't fucking talk to me about so uh her story's her story is hilarious i found it out later she got stopped by the cops. She was coming back home with her acai bowls

and she got stopped. The cops had barricaded my street. There's a couple different ways up into this mountain. I'm like Al-Qaeda, I live in a mountain, bunker, fortress. They blocked off the roads coming in and out and she drove up and she's like like what the fuck? There's a helicopter in the sky? There's all this shit? And her citizen app lit up.

You guys know that app? I don't know what that is. It's like a crime reporting app. It's just a feed of crimes that happen which women have and then get all ooh there's a fucking stabbing! There was a break in! Ooh! Right? I'm so scared! Oh honey! I'm so horny what would you do then they go what

would you do i'm a guy broken i'm like babe i would fucking end that guy right i would fucking chop chop chop um by the way i can't i can't do any this has been the worst year of my life i don't know if you guys know this either but do you remember the one time I was on your show, I said, Kyle, when you were all buff and you revealed your buff bod, and we were talking about working out, and I said, I'll get four good months or six good months,

and then I will be hurt so bad that I can't work out for ever. Right fucking January this year, I broke my foot the night before I was supposed to go to Portugal, and then as soon as my foot healed, I ripped my bicep totally off the bone. Like, balled up

tendon-severed bowling. Like, knocking pins down? Yeah, bowling, like, I don't even want to do the motion anymore. What else would he mean? Bowling. No, it's just because that's such a baffling way to hurt you. How could that rip your bicep off? I don't know.

But the doctor said that I was doing this bowling event at Ralph. I was doing Ralph Retort's bowling event. I threw a ball. There was this disgusting tearing sound. I was feeling great about being ripped, too. There was this disgusting tearing sound. I was starting I was feeling great about being ripped to there's really sick tearing sound and I felt like that that sickness of tendons ripping I turned around and this fucking jackass just goes. Oh, bro You ripped your bicep right off. That's gonna be six months. That's same thing happened

I'm like you had to like just shout that like I'm still reeling from the instant diagnosis yeah for some reason it was like don't this work I thought oh god this is the worst I could possibly and then he's just like oh bro like drinking his beer in his hand let me show you how bad it actually gets I just am able to lift what anything that weighs more than a pound as of this week with this hand since january or when was this medically is it going to be normal again i don't i don't know he says in he said in three months from now i can return to like normal working out so you would struggle to kill your girlfriend anyway exactly there's no way you could no dude you could kill your girlfriend anyway. Exactly. There's no way you could. No, dude,

you could kill your girlfriend with one arm. I only need the left. Yeah. If I luck, I would try to shove her down the stairs and she would like duck and I would go like, whoa! So anyway, oh, go ahead, go ahead. I was gonna say, I wanna hear more spotting. What was the, the,

did you throw it really hard? Like, were you memeing? You know what? I didn't know you were supposed to let go of the ball. I just saw those videos. What? You were in a bowling tournament. Were you aiming for the ceiling?

Were you doing the thing? I don't know. I think I was trying to spin it like a cool pro, you know? Yeah, but you tore your bicep and looked like a real asshole. Yeah, you didn't look look a little pro at all okay so um the cop calls back and he says okay uh you need to leave your house and put your hands on your head and walk down the street and i was like okay i have an old dog in here uh please don't shoot it and just put the dog outside tell the was like, okay, I have an old dog in here. Please don't shoot it.

He goes, put the dog outside. Tell the dog to put their hands on their heads. Put your paw on your head. I put the dog out, and my buddy and I start walking down the street like this, and it's, like, dead. Like, the apocalypse dead. Like, weirdly dead.

And neighbors are kind of poking their heads out and they're all like annoyed because like if i'm involved i did it even the party house like the airbnb house that's always different people and they're like waking up like oh you motherfuckers. I know what you did. So we get down the street, and the cops, we see the cops. I think I'm being pranked by fake police because they're just nowhere. I'm like, why do I have my hands on my head?

Can I go like this? Am I going to get shot? We get down the street, like a quarter mile, I don't know, and the cops are seen. They're around the corner, and there's a shitload of them. And they all, of course, they all have their guns out, following all their dumb shields. They're all parked aggressively, you know, coply. They can't just pull over like normal.

Punisher logos littered throughout. Yeah. I said, guys, there's a school shooting up here And they all went oh and ran away The ultimate ace card Diving over Ferris Bueller music started playing And the cops were running away So I was like okay

Stop turn around And I'm like man Okay cops running away. So they're like, okay, wait a minute. Stop. Turn around. And I'm like, man, it's okay. So they're like, you, in the blue shirt, walk backwards. And I'm like, man, that was my buddy. I'm like, well, I'm sorry, but it looks like you're getting executed here today, buddy. Because we can't hear you.

They're talking in like a bullhorn that they picked up on the way over from like a thrift store. Like, why can't you join the bullsack? You should have slain backwards. And they're doing like cop talk. You know, that annoying cop talk. I'm like, please, sir, can you please proceed to turn your individual self around? I'm like, man, what the fuck did you say?

So he goes back and they're like, well, turn to the side and crab walk. So he's crab walking. I'm like, all right, that's odd. And they go, lay down, put your ankles on the ground, lay down with your face down, your cheek on the asphalt. And I'm like, what the fuck, man? This is a nice fucking neighborhood. We're laying in a fucking street. Like, we can't lay in the yard that's right there.

He goes, all right, you, you with the long hair. I'm like that repeated is not gonna help so I'm just gonna start doing what walking backwards and if they shoot me then I guess I did they start walking slow backwards and like okay no reaction from the like the dealing with the fucking cops when because i and your whole time you're thinking if you freak out they'll freak out right like yeah yeah do you think they would have like free if you would have been like i can't understand you like i don't know so i'm walking they have me walk sideways then after I walked backwards for a little bit. Okay.

So curl that two-pound dumbbell with your right arm. I can't. I can't. So we're going to kill your friend. And I'm trying to, like, angle my way, like, accidentally. Like, I'm trying to, like, walk towards grass. And I'm like, okay, straighten out. He's like, okay, okay straighten out. Okay, okay, fuck

I'm walking over and they have me walk past him and then I see this little like piece of shade in the distance That's there's a tree There's two pieces of shade and they laid him down in one of the pieces of shade and I'm like are you fucking dicks walking? Me over to the other piece of shade delayed like that's nice of you But why don't you just say like I just either you think i killed my wife or you don't just let's say can you go walk over to the shade and lay down so i get to the shade like all right like well put your hand down put your face on the ass ball put your cheek put your knees down put your ankles down there okay man fuck so they run over and i'm expecting like a bunch of like flying fucking Derek George Floyd knees

to the back right I'm bracing for it I'm like man they come over I'm like man I just had surgery on his arm please do not fuck with my arm please don't fuck with my arm and they're like okay okay put the cuffs on this is my stabbing arm this is mine exhausted right now jokes on you i was hiding a fucking derringer hooker gun and that's in that fucking scar so like okay uh we're gonna need you to turn over can you take your down leg clockwise and and lift it up i'm like man what like i know how to sit up what do do you mean? You don't need to direct me. They're like pulling at my arms like one of those artist dummies, you know, those little posing anatomy dummies. I'm like, just get away.

Now here, sir, we're going to transition to you to a position where your feet will hold your full weight. Yeah. What we call this is a controlled fall, okay? You're going to want to let gravity take control, and then when you feel unsafe, that's when you move your foot forward. It's called walking, dude. So we get over, and they start digging around for our IDs. I'm like, well, you guys didn't say to bring your ID, by the way.

You told us to come out here. And I'm like, oh, fuck. The only place I didn't check for drugs was my fucking pockets. Shit. So they pull out my phone. And they're to my friend. My friend is a gay guy. Like, obviously gay.

They're like, oh, i bet this isn't what you wanted to be doing on sunday morning he goes well it could be worse i could be in church um so they're like going through they're going through the their cop shit like all right so you have any guns in the house like yeah what what do you Kiss your mother with those Rudy ass what do I look like? So after ten minutes of that I'm like well does will any go off like accidentally like fucker Are you asking if I have any booby traps? There's a series of paint cans you're gonna have to look out for.

Yeah! There's a tarantula loose in my house, you pigs! Good luck dealing with my brother's tarantula, you motherfuckers! If you try to get in the window, there are broken ornaments in case he's trying to turn you back. Like, do you guys, you got a lot of booby traps? And the guys are like, okay, cops, watch out for the booby traps that I put all over the house for you guys. My whole living room is a plungy pit. Be careful. So they're about to go in.

They've got all of their guns out. I live like a quarter, again, a quarter mile. And they start moving their phalanx of their cars with the doors open and all their guns. I'm like, guys, I mean, come on. I live here. And I said, oh, wait, wait, wait. There is a sex doll in the basement downstairs. And everybody is a real doll in the basement downstairs.

And everybody who sees it gets freaked out. So do not see the real doll and just start blasting okay it's not it's not that is not a woman and they go they pause and it's like we're another like okay wait wait wait we got a call hold on you say you're a streamer I'm like yeah and like um do you uh do you stream with the doll i said no i'm a i'm a comedian i don't it's a prop like a comedy show someone gave it to me as a joke and they're like that look of like when people just don't get a joke it's like come on man just one of you get to fucking one of you please explain it to the other ones why that's funny okay well we'll check it out we'll check this out so they go they're at

there asking all this bullshit the neighbors are coming over guys are saying hey these this truck full of Mexicans pull up now like hey can we get through we got to clean a pool and oh, it'll be ten minutes. And then the cop turns back to me and he goes like, or thirty. I'm like, man, I'm not the fucking demo for this fucking riff. He's like, elbow! He turns back and he's like,

or thirty, like, elbow? And I'm like, I'm putting fucking handcuffs, you dickhead! My fucking acai is getting warm, okay? Are you gonna go refreeze my acai bowl after this i don't think you are till they cut the neighbor sees me and they're like oh yeah my uh kid just saw you on citizen um the cops are uh uh the cops people are driving by where my girlfriend's at and they told her to calm down because she told them uh they asked her if i had any guns she goes why

don't you fucking find out for yourself and so calm down ma'am people are driving by they're like what happened down here the cops go somebody shot somebody she's like no nobody shot anybody i i'm the one he shot so the cops come back cops come back after whatever 30 minutes 29 minutes and uh they're like yeah no it's clear the house is clear and one of them like the biggest looking one comes over me goes i saw that sex doll and it did freak me out thank you thank you thank you for listening to me when i said don't get freaked out he's like yeah yeah totally because it looks like she's also like slumped over like the ring um i saw that sex doll and it did freak me out it did freak me out there's one nice cop

yeah i like that guy anyway that's what happened that is so fucking ridiculous did they apologize how did it wrap oh no they were so pissed because like all the things i've ever reported to the lapd that they don't give a fuck about this one you could tell that they gave a i'm like hey here's here's uh video evidence of me getting assaulted by this guy, and they're like, well, what do you want us to do about it? Here's my girl- Did they ban you for being swatted? No. They were pissed that they looked like assholes.

So the guy was like, oh yeah, the guy who did this is wasting a lot of resources. He's in big trouble. I'm like, well, good luck, dude. I don't think you- I'm gonna be honest, I don't think you can find him. I don't think you can do it, but prove me wrong! I don't think you can find him. I don't think you can do it, but prove me wrong. I don't think you're going to find Pussy Slayer 420. He's sly.

So I found it maybe six months later. The members of the SWAT team went on a podcast and talked about my SWATing incident. What? Yeah. And he's like, you know, it's not every day you go to work knowing that you're gonna kill somebody and i'm like you mean me right yeah he's talking about me and and so what had happened in my swatting incident was someone used at&t's like teletype. So what happens if you're deaf,

then AT&T offers a service where they will type what you say or whatever. You can type to them and then they speak to 911. That's what it is. So that was a way for them to be less traceable because 911 didn't have... They didn't call 911 directly. Instead, AT&T is talking to 911 and it's a level of indirection.

And they're posing as my deaf child hiding under the stairs. And I have already murdered in this scenario, my wife and other kid. They're the only one left hiding under the bed, looking for help. Ridiculous, by the way,

because you'd be able to find that deaf child in just a few minutes. Much like any other predator, I would take out the weakest first, right? That's how that's a lion's hunt. If Woody wanted to kill his whole family, he's doing it a hundred times out of a hundred. They're not escaping. He's too quick.

Don't tell me that the disabled child is the one who's escaped my grasp. It's inconceivable. Maybe he has death superpowers. Like his vision is increased. You can see their walls or something. But yeah, so what happened with me is like i i think i had just wrapped up a live stream and my wife is like there's people outside there's people outside and i'm like what i thought it was inherently ridiculous but my mind isn't on swatting because this is a fairly new phenomenon

at the time i thought there were banditos outside that was my first guess that we were that there was hordes of banditos surrounding the house or something like that yeah black part bad hombres so what happened was the police had been staking out our house for a while they were hot we have like we had like a really big oak tree like it would take two people to hug it in the front yard and we had bushes and stuff and and the SWAT team had been hiding checking it much like the Uvalde police department for 45 minutes they left my deaf child under the bed hiding well while they were behind bushes and trees casing the joint. And I, I couldn't see them.

Like they were pretty good at hiding, I guess. But eventually one of these geniuses turned their flashlight on and off briefly behind my tree. And it was like, there really are people in my yard. And I don't know that they're police, but I undeniably saw them use their flashlight,

flashlight briefly in my front yard oh that would be freaky what the fuck is happening here i don't know so i get my gun i get my gun to protect my family from whoever's in the yard hiding from me and so i i guess i'm coming down the stairs and i don't know, maybe they spot this going on or something and they're pounding on the door. And, uh, it went like both ways. They're,

they're like, you know, put the gun down. And I'm like, who the fuck are you? And they're like, we're the apex police department. So then I put the gun down.

It turns out that what had happened is at the top of the stairwell was my wife. And it next to my front door were two windows, you know, to make sure my house has no security whatsoever. There were two like glass panels next to the door and they could see my wife alive who wasn't supposed to be. And that's when they first registered that perhaps the story was inaccurate. That's when the gears started turning.

That's when the gears started turning. The only reason I'm'm alive that my family like who knows how this would have gone down if there weren't windows next to my or or even worse if it'd been like nerf gun fight night at the woodworth house they can't they just see shadows through the windows you're running around yeah so um they had us sit on the porch and i don't know what's like it took me a little while to connect it because like i said swatting was newer at the time and i'm like wait a minute i know what happened someone called you and this is a prank i am a z-list celebrity online and i get attention from crazy people who do this sort of thing. And they had never heard of swatting either.

Like it was a brand new phenomenon. And then I got swatted so many times that I got on like a first name basis. I have the Apex Police Department in my phone. They'd call me up. They'd be like, hey, what are you killing anyone? I'm like, no, no. Can we send someone by? I'm like, sure.

But it wouldn't be SWAT team anymore. It'd be like plainclothes police guys just talking to me and the wife, and then they'd go. Woody over here thinks he's a tiered celebrity. I said Z. Oh, wow. Voila. Look at me.

What bothered me a lot, the police department was irritated with me. They always blamed me for the swatting. They're like, maybe you should stop streaming online. You know, is it really worth it? It's a waste of our resources. And I told him how much I made. And they're like, all right, it's kind of worth it. But maybe maybe they asked me to leave town.

Like, and when the police tell you that you're not welcome in your town anymore, that feels bad. His new police, his boss came by and apologized. When the police tell you that you're not welcome in your town anymore, that feels bad. It's time for new police. His boss came by and apologized. I called him out on it. He wasn't alone. His partner was there. I was like, hey, did you just tell me to leave town? You're a policeman. You can't say that to

the people who live here. They came by and addressed it and apologized. Anyway, yeah. Did they give you a gift? No, but he did leave town. And they came by and sort of addressed it and apologized. Anyway, yeah. Did they give you a gift? No, but he did leave town. That's true.

That's true. That was coincidental. That's not because of them. This guy on Citizen in my neighborhood said he didn't understand my prank. I was like, oh, it's a prank. Don't worry about it. He goes, well, I don't understand your prank. I'm like, man, it's not my prank. It's a prank don't worry about it he goes well i don't understand your prank i'm like man it's not my prank is a prank on me that's trying to get me killed he goes well i'll tell you who doesn't appreciate it the parents in the neighborhood who have newborns

like man we're gonna have a problem you know where i live you know i just shot my wife and then pranked myself for some reason so why don't you come on over and I'll fucking explain how a prank works to you. Bring your newborns. Yeah, bring your newborns. Dick, I have to know what your shirt says because I can only read half of it. Oh. And that's the funny half. My gay husband was born in... Hard Men Working Hard October.

Hard Men Working Hard is a band. This is their shirt. He has a very feminine penis and takes no shit. I like that. Yeah, man. He takes no shit. Look at that. Wouldn't a gay person's penis definitely take shit? That skull in the middle is a very Sam Hyde

feeling shirt. He takes no shit. But I mean like he's your gay husband. It feels like that's kind of insulting to say he has a feminine penis. Nah, it's cool. I feel like it's... Is it? Is that not an insult? Is no one recognizing that

gay penises take shit? That's what they do? He's saying he always delivers the dick is what he's saying, right? Yeah, the guy who delivers the dick has a penis that takes shit. Why do you have to make it about poop? I didn't make it about poop. It was all there when I got here.

It was dicker than shit. They're grown up. If you've got shit to deliver, do not give it to my gay husband. That's all I have to say about it. Take it somewhere else. You're not the boss of me. I'll do what I want. Including poop on that guy's dick.

Okay. New topic. Oh, God. Oh, his chair disappeared. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, with his green screen thing. So what am I looking at?

What kind of gun is that behind you, Dick? This is a shotgun. I don't really... I can't really tell you anything more about it. A fan made it. Wait, what? It's got a real shotgun? A gunsmith fan made it.

He put this cool grip on it. Yeah. But it is a real shotgun because he's a gunsmith. It is. Yeah, it works. It looks like a Remington 700 maybe? Wait, isn't a Remington 700 an 870? Yeah, it's a Remington 700, maybe? Maybe. Wait, isn't a Remington 700 an 870?

Yeah, the 870. Yeah, it's a Remington. If it's got the release up here. 12 gauge. Hey, you guys have had Brandon Herrera on your show, right? Mm-hmm. He just called into my show. His guns are cool.

He showed me that the Lugie gun, it like this gun the german one no it's a gun that you can make out of like home depot parts for 200 bucks the looty kyle does that sound familiar uh i don't know what that is now oh shit it looks really ghetto but is he just making like a pipe gun it was a little more uh more sophisticated than a pipe gun huh it's probably making i don't know i've seen zip guns they make that you know that's what they make a prison where they've got this weird little little pistol they make out of nonsense for a prison i once i used to do these daily vlogs and when you do daily vlogs you run out of content ideas quickly and uh i just i don't know i was like today, today I'm going to make a shotgun. I just took a couple pipes. They slide together.

You put an end cap on it and it hits the... Oh, he made a real gun. That's way cooler than what I made. I just had a single shot shotgun. Oh, that's cool. There's nothing to it. Out of Home Depot parts, huh?

Is there... I mean, it looks like it has a magazine. Is that a working magazine? As far as I know, yeah. I'll have to look that up later. That seems really cool if he made that himself. I wonder if what... I don't know.

I wonder where all the parts are coming from. If it's all coming from Home Depot, that's neat. That guy, Ludi, made some manual on how to build a gun out of basically nothing. And he tried it to see if it worked, I think, was the experiment. I saved the topic idea I saw this week. All right. So everyone here is at least somewhat a fan of UFC, right?

Uh-huh. So the question is this. You and a clone of you, right two identical use six months training what weight class do you think you can win a ufc fight in so it's 2v1 but oh one i mean i have to fight at 170 that's that's that's that's all i can do like that's like no no you don't have to make weight in this scenario you're just picking which fighter you like. So for example, if it was just only me, every UFC fighter can beat me, even if they fight at like one 35 or I don't know.

Yeah. Um, but if it's me in a clone of me, yeah. Two V one. Yeah. Can I be TJ Dillashaw? Two of me.

No, I think that TJ Dillashaw in particular is like so explosive. He'd end one of you right away. Like, like he, that's the problem that I'm going to make a bold claim. that TJ Dillashaw in particular is so explosive, he'd end one of you right away. That's the problem. I'm going to make a bold claim. Me and a clone of me, I think I can beat every woman in the UFC. Absolutely.

I agree. Yeah. It's not so much a victory as it is a crime. You're going to cover up in close distance and grab her right i mean yeah of course i just need my mouth for that holy shit you look fat in those trunks no i i think so i just think it's you know two adult men who are going in with the intention of attacking a woman and we're using ufc rules and you know it's

not like she can run away she's done we're gonna grab her a woman for sure you're gonna take with two adult men sizes and four hands like eight limbs like you're gonna win yeah four hands a man also we're all pretty full-sized guys let's say you go up against like a ufc who's like the the ultimate like average ufc fighter like what's the like middleweight like who's someone from that well see you don't want that. Like 175 or something? That's a big boy. Okay, 155, whatever. I'm saying that if I'm with my clone,

this is the problem that's going to happen. It's going to be a mental problem because my thought process is I'm going to push this fucking clone and I'm going to have him take the main beating. What? That means that he... You know, your clone's not down for that. He has the same mindset. That means that my clone is going to be the one to push me in front of it.

And so I don't think we're going to make a good team. The idea is the problem is that once he's done with your clone, he's going to deliver an equal beating to you and you'll be by yourself now. No, once he's distracted with my

clone i'll bring out the knife i snuck in in my ass same idea like donald cerrone right he was looking for the ultimate average fighter i'm picking him he was really good 150 to 155 what is it he mostly fought at 55 but he fought yeah 55 and 70 he fought and uh um he just retired so he's not peak of career or anything yeah that guy today i think he's beats two woodies this guy would beat the shit out of three to me all right look maybe i don't know what i'm talking about but to me what it what what what if he can go into it with the mindset that he's got to like knock one of us the fuck out immediately and he does that then it's's over. And I think he would. I think that any trained fighter

would know that two-on-one is hard no matter what. Do you know how bad my partner's cardio is? Like, we're not going to get... There's no way we're going to ever be standing up and striking. We're going to try to grab this guy. We're going to try to immediately each go for a single leg. It's a double single leg you

can't stop the first ever like leaping double knee knockout we're gonna be double dragon attacking uh this guy but it won't matter if he's able to fuck me up bad enough and it wouldn't take much if he could just punch me hard enough in the face like me or my clone we're gonna be like doing one of these like hang on a minute and then the other guys then it's over once you'd have to use your weight the combined weight of both of you to try and tire him out we just gotta get him to the ground and isolate his limbs and then beat him to death well is it a to the death i brought a clone we're not we don't give a shit. I would just start making out with my clone to confuse them. Gross them out.

No, we don't celebrate until we're done. One clone is now giving the other head, and they're wearing shirts that say, It's not gay. You guys touch your own dicks all the time. It's not gay. We're genetically identical. It's fine. Yeah, see, it's not gay. This is my

cum all over my face. Basically the same. Does that work with twins? It's a little gay. With twins? It's okay to have sex with your twin? Genetically the same. I just heard the rule set.

You couldn't... No, because if you're a fraternal twin... Oh, I just made it fraternal. Make it identical. Identical twins. It's a clone, dude. Okay. Clone.

Yeah, fucking twin. Yeah. Is there like clone kung fu? Like is there clone jujitsu or something? There should be. Imagine how much more intense the sport would get if we didn't care if these things died. If there was team UFC, that would be fucking amazing like if there was words

it does oh my god mma fighting is so brutal because here's what happens it starts 5v5 and quickly it turns into 5v4 somebody wins somewhere oh and now there's double teams all over the place. Eventually, there's like a 2v1 and a 3v1. Did that math work? Yeah, I think it did. And some guys there fighting three people at once, trying to show some heart, but also hopeless.

You see how much it matters when you're outnumbered. It is not... Oh my god! What is this? Thank god that mime is there. Look at the mime. Look at the mime. What the fuck? What country was this?

Well, I wasn't looking at the observing mime. I was looking at the protecting mime over the body. That's not a protecting mime. Because we know what the ref looks like. He has the blue gloves. What is happening? Oh, they are not bothered by what's going on.. Because we know what the ref looks like. He has the blue gloves. What is happening? Oh, they are not bothered by what's going on.

I'll tell you what I thought was happening. I thought that the man on his knees was holding down an opponent, and the two standing were helping him clobber them. But now as I look closer, I think maybe the man dressed in white, in full clothing, might actually be getting clobbered. I can't really tell. This is a terrible photograph. Here's my theory.

Can we do better? It's shirts versus skins right we're at a point where uh shirt on the ground was doing well but he found himself in a 1v3 and he's not going to do well for much longer nobody does well in a 1v3 and it looks like a very upcoming 1v4 i'll say that guy's stride that guy's stride very relaxed and then look at look at benedict arnold far left of the cage just watching his man get wish there was something i think it's like a three or four on one so the guy strolling over is like they don't need me to clobber that poor man yeah well then that guy should be going i've watched a good bit of that um so there's a bunch of combat sports that sports that are kind of like the black sheep of the family, right?

Look at this. Oh, my God, it really is shirts versus skins. The cavity creeps. Why are their faces painted? Why are their fucking faces painted? That's the Jabbawockeez, the dance troupe. Their career has not been going well. Now they're fighting in their goofy masks.

Yeah, I mean, I can tell just from this picture that the milkmen are going to get their shit oh they're so funny prepared i like that they brought two refs though it makes sense why was there only one ref in the later pictures did one of the refs get out i think i think the guy on the left was there too we just actually good point i don't know if i noticed him there's a lot of combat sports like that though um there's also um the uh the like medieval combat where they go at it right wearing full armor and those are wild yeah because some of those guys dressed as knights are like actual like martial artists and they'll head kick people wearing a steel boot oh my god it's like uh it's like a country-wide like it's like some tournament

i was watching a video online it was like belarus versus fucking bulgaria and both teams have like in armor shields and swords and some of them have maces and it's the same thing as that like multiplayer thing where eventually it's like five on one except these guys are getting their heads destroyed by dull swords and like you can see the pain guys are in behind the like full face mask because a guy will like have his shield up and then he'll get double teamed and they'll do like that movie move where the guy will punch with his shield into the head of the guy's helmet and in a movie you're like oh he hit his helmet he's okay but then you see the guy like and he gets hit again in the head and he's like

a hundred percent unconscious maybe dead there's like blood seeping out of his helmet like these people literally die they will hit him called it the movie move because i had the opposite impression by watching movies which is where i learned about medieval fighting in the first place learned um i thought it was all about the sword the shield was purely a defensive weapon etc that shield might be a better... If I could have a shield or a sword, I think I'd pick the shield. It's both defensive and offensive.

They punch with that shield. It's brutal. Do you remember that clip in 300 where Leonidas has the shield or whatever and he boxes someone with it real hard? He does a backhand. They weren't doing backhands. They like literally like three guys in armor just pin a guy to a chain link fence effectively and then just hit him in the head until he's no longer

conscious well you can see the strikes they'll hit this the swords are very dull but you can watch the guy get hit in the head and it dents his helmet and and the guy's kind of wobbled he has wobbled but a guy comes in and whacks him the same spot again and dents it even further. And you're like, I don't know how much more room's left in the helmet. I wonder what the inside of the helmet is like. Is the inside of the helmet done well, like a modern-day professional NFL helmet?

Or do you think that it's realistic? Reenactment. You got enough Etsy. I picture leather and cloth, right? And that's probably good stuff for that. That got enough Etsy. I picture leather and cloth. That's probably good stuff. That's probably good enough. I want to wrap... I have some pretty quality motorcycle helmets.

Just put some metal on them. Dress them up like medieval helmets. That's what you want. My friend was talking about his buddy. His buddy is 6'7". He works at this restaurant. He gets off late. He's always drunk going home.

He's scared he's going to fall over drunk. Kill drunk kill himself six seven's a long way to fall so he started wearing a helmet on the way home get out and somebody was like isn't he scared somebody's gonna gonna bother him on the way home i'm like he's an armored troll like when you're fighting with a helmet if you're getting in a fight with a giant your first thought is like maybe i could hit him in the head and knock him out this guy's got a helmet on like strolling home is that him no this is a badass fucking helmet on etsy i wish i got mark mcguire for any of those pictures on the inside on the left show the inside wow that's like a sex play helmet also that's so tight i love here for it yeah sex pants do you want that helmet taylor that's so cool yeah that's awesome i just wear that to the store

i was gonna buy woody a knife and i was thinking like i gotta get taylor something now and i was looking at this battle axe for you yeah and then i got and then as long as it is as valuable or more valuable than this it's that's exactly what I was looking for. Exactly. So I was like, oh, goddammit. Taylor's fucking axe is gonna cost like $300. Now I gotta find Woody a better knife.

For some reason, I told myself I did, and then an hour worth of shopping later, and I just gave up and closed the app. The thought was very kind. Thanks, Kyle. That's more than I've ever cared about anyone. An hour of shopping later and I just gave up and closed the app. The thought was very kind. Thanks, Kyle. That's more than I've ever cared about anyone. An hour of shopping. Kyle thinking about getting

us a present might be one of the nicest things the three of us have done for each other. Kyle considering getting a present. Here's the most thought we've put in. It's like, have you ever seen that old Louis C.K. bit where he's talking about where you sit on a bus or something and you see a service member walk up

and you get so high on the fantasy of being the guy who goes, sit down, sir, that you get your dopamine hit and by the time he gets there, you're like, keep moving. It's just like that. I hope he gets popular again back in the u.s soon louis ck is so fun did you see the new bill burr special i bet it's just me i have not as far as i know it's a brand new bill burr special it's on netflix okay i watched it yeah taylor's gonna i know what taylor's gonna say it's good but it's not as good as his old stuff back when he killed it all the time. And I see that too, I guess.

But I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. There was one line in there where he was talking about his wife complaining about him. And it's so good. He's like, I tuned it out. I know, I know. It's fucking Yelp reviews.

Worst husband ever. You know, it's like, all she does is tell me about the things that she wants me to do differently. There's never a positive Yelp reviews, worst husband ever. You know, it's like, all she does is tell me about the things that she wants me to do differently. There's never a positive Yelp review. And I was like, this is hitting close to home. Well, Kyle, thank you again for considering. Yeah, Kyle. You know what?

I'm going to think about things that you would prospectively. Hey, just give some thought to buying me a smoker, because that's on the list, too. Yeah. Alright, done. And then just don't do it. Look at the specs, get one of the comparison charts, like, oh, you know what? He might really

like that one. Okay. I'll tell you what stops me every time from following through. I'm like, do I have to go through the process of finding their address again like what the and i and that's literally what stops me every time you should yeah i need your addresses has your smoker hobby increased your caloric intake yeah yeah probably it well it's it's like it's made me it's probably made my binge eating worse because now, like with a smoker, I'll put something in at like six in the morning, like pulled pork, and it won't be done until like 5 p.m.

And so all day and my wife will be like, you want some to eat? I'll make you some lunch. And I'm like, no, I'm not wasting an ounce of hunger on non-pulled pork. And then it'll get to like 6 p.m. and I'm absolutely famished. And then I pull it off, tear it up and eat eat it and i just kind of go a little bananas and then you have so much extra pulled pork i've found that there's never a time in the day that a pulled pork sandwich is not good and so like late at night a little snack uh if if this is embarrassing i'm joking last week i got up at three in the morning made myself a pulled pork barbecue sandwich ate that went back to bed just like normal eating what i've done i literally woke up and was peeing and was like

there's pork in the fridge i've gone to the i've gone to the fridge and gotten out like the pulled pork meat and then we would have here they've got the barbecue sauce where i used to go it was vinegary it was like liquid but, but it was really strong tasting. I would get hunks of pork and dip it in that and eat it until the sauce was gone and then go to bed. That kind of bent like nighttime eating. I'm prone to that. I'll wake up and it'll take me a while to remember that I did it. Sometimes I'll only know it because there was evidence left behind.

I've woken up and there'll be like cheese rind and cracker crumbs on the kitchen counter where I clearly like just laid a chunk of cheese on the counter, got a knife and was just like carving chunks off and putting it on crackers while I ate in front of the fridge. And then definitely like drank out of the bottle

and like closed the door and walked away. it's easy to like just start cutting chunks off of cheese after you've finished all the other stuff on there and you're like no I'm not a glutton this is uh this is pretty Parisian of me right now I'm doing cheese I do that with grapes now though I've got those fucking cotton candy grapes downstairs so if I wake up in the night I can eat like grapes fistful of those. Grapes are a wealthy person's fruit. I think of grape as a successful person's fruit. Really? Because they're like $3.

I don't know. I picture laying on that chaise lounge eating it out of there. Someone's fanning you. And you're eating a clump of them at a time. A clump at a time. And if you don't want the whole clump, throw it away. You're rich. Is that how you eat grapes, Taylor? Holding the whole bunch up and just eating the bottom one?

Yeah. Putting it back? You just eat it like a wing. I put all 10 inches in my mouth. Just a string. You're a cartoon character. Dick, if you splurge on food, what do you eat? If?

Your weakness. Just pretty much anything. I let the liquor do the thinking when it comes to snacks and just wake up like a wolf man that transformed with the full moon with wrappers all around me, hating myself and wondering how to justify my existence the next day. love that like if there's pulled pork on the menus i love slow cooking i don't have a smoker i gotta get one i do everything in the slow cooker and the meat is getting progressively bigger so that it just fills up the entire slow cooker now and then whenever that's done it's like well you know uh that old way of eating where it's meals that's dead that's gone. Now we're on the meat stream time where it's feeding a constant stream of meat throughout the day that ends when I go to sleep

and begins when I wake up. Who doesn't want a little bit of pulled pork with their coffee? Everyone does. It's noon somewhere. Let's have a little bite of this. There's a reason they call pulled pork the perfect afternoon pick-me-up. Yeah.

I honestly think i could just eat it every day that 2 p.m feeling pulled pork sandwich it's probably the bread getting you as much as the pork i just need a scientist to explain that it's healthy to eat a constant stream of pulled pork. Like that guy. Protein synthesis. Yeah. If someone can put it in like Women's Home and Gardening or something or on the front page of Huffington Post, like the greatest new diet is eating pulled pork all day from when you wake up until you go to bed.

You got to get your husband on this right away. I'll be like, yes, thank you, God. Yeah, how come there aren't ever any good propaganda articles with things like that? Not for men. Why smoking will protect you from COVID? Yeah.

It's like, oh, well, I better get a smoker. I better hop on that Traeger train and start eating ribs. Oh, my God. Pulled pork. Don't even link things like that, man. Oh, you don't want to read it? No, don't read the nutrition facts of pulled pork. I don't want to.

I don't know. Zach tells us that pulled pork has 11 grams of fat and three and a half grams of saturated fat in particular in every one cup serving. If you're concerned about your cholesterol levels, try substituting traditional pulled pork items with grilled pork tenderloin. Get out of here with your substitutes. No. Taylor wants it fat. I don't know if that was good or bad. I didn't want to know. I didn't want to know how many grams it fat. Oh, I don't know if that was good or bad. I didn't want to know.

I didn't want to know how many grams of fat because like, and it's like a spoiler warning. Like I haven't seen Thor yet. Dick is so right with like the just eating piece. This is how like foolish I'll get with the pulled pork because I'll like have a couple sandwiches and then I'll be like hey how about a little health conscious uh eating and then i just like no bread just an enormous amount of sauce on fatty meat and you look at it and because all the fat's been cooked down you can look at it and be like that doesn't look that much different in its appearance than pulled chicken it's probably a little bit like pulled chicken brisket i haven't i haven't done a brisket yet i'm having company over tomorrow night so i

was gonna start one tonight at like two in the morning except then i haven't done a brisket yet. I'm having company over tomorrow night. So I was going to start one tonight at like two in the morning, except then I haven't done a brisket before. So I don't want my first brisket to be for company. I want to try it out first. So I'm doing like a huge amount of pulled pork. And then maybe tomorrow afternoon, I'll even make some smoked wings too, because I smoked some wings earlier this week and they were tremendous.

Absolutely. I'm going, I'm going to get a smoker. You've sold me. I like the idea of doing like two chickens at a time and then like shredding all that meat and putting them in containers like for my like week and just having like easy delicious chicken meals chicken is the easiest shit on the smoker like i started with the pulled pork and like ribs and longer recipes and it's like 12 hours but like a whole chicken if you want to to get it to pull chicken, it's like three and a half hours.

It's nothing. It takes very little time. I really like slow cooker stuff, like putting stuff in the crock pot and making chili and pot roast. I love a nice crock pot roast with potatoes and carrots and celery in there. Yeah, put some onions in there. Yeah, it's good stuff. I like making those too.

It's going to be an overeating night. Oh yeah, we're gearing up for a good one tonight usually around the three hour mark of the show i start planning snacks and then the show ends my girlfriend brought home a bunch of japanese snacks like she went to her favorite japanese grocery store in westwood she She's like, look at all these snacks. I got pizza, chips, little like pretzels, some mochis. And I'm watching her do it. And she's all happy. I'm like, I'm eating. I'm getting drunk and eating all of these tonight.

I'm going to remember half of them. Like say your goodbye. Pick your favorite and take it to bed because I'm eating the rest of them. I mean, like the reputation is that like weed with the munchies is what makes you eat like an animal the most. It's alcohol. Alcohol has that crown far and away. Because when you're drunk, you have no inhibitions. There's no voice in your head to tell you a pizza is not a good idea.

For me, it's insomnia. Like I don't make good food choices at 2 30 a.m only bad decisions the 2 30 a.m is the time when like the tostitos come out or god forbid the trail mix it's so not the trail mix oh my fucking nemesis what do you imagine the honey roasted like like have you oh if they start putting honey roasted nuts in trail mix, it's the perfect combination of sugars and fats and the pecans.

Carbs. Sugar, fats, and carbs. I don't think there's any carbs in there. I think it's just protein, fat, and sugar. Oh, that's a good point. Salt was the one I was searching for. Oh, delicious salt. Carbs, fats, and salts. Oh, that's a good point. Salt was the one I was searching for. Oh, delicious salt. Carbs, fats, and salts.

That's trail mix. I told these guys last week, but I ordered, this is like a couple weeks ago, I ordered a pizza at like 1230 in the morning. Like one, like I was baked out of my mind, really hungry, wanted a pizza. And I ordered it. And instead of canceling the order because they were closed, the next morning at like 10 a.m., those fucking cholesterol terrorists brought me a pizza

at 10 in the morning, 10, 11 in the morning, which is like, if I wanted to destroy someone's life, I'd have pizza sent to their home every morning at 11 a.m. How was it? Because they're not going to resist it. It's going to set you up for a carb-loaded day of nothing getting done. someone's life, I'd have pizza sent to their home every morning at 11 a.m. How was it? Because they're not going to resist it. It's going to set you up for a carb-loaded day of nothing getting done. And you already paid for it.

Or someone did. So you don't want to waste it, right? No, no. How was it? It was good. I ate most of it. You know why it was good? I don't know why I lied.

I ate all of it. You ate it all. It was disgusting. The thing about that is that was the first pizza of the day because that order had been in there from the night before. So you got the first one, hot off the presses. Oh, yeah, and that delivery guy had to think I was a psychopath. Addict.

You're on the addict list now. Oh, boy. We got that guy finally went over the edge. Taylor's waiting on his pizza in the morning. Put that guy on the special garlic knot email list get him with the offers he won't be able to resist yeah like what he said before that like for him pizza is not a tempting like cheat food like pizza is very tempting for me i i just even bad pizza is pretty good i know that's trite but it's true yeah i like pizza a lot but it has

to be really good pizza to be uh tempting in atlanta there's this place called like jets jets i think and they have like you can pick your uh your crust and they have like jet jet wait what pizza place wait wait jets wait, Jets the chain? That makes like the square pizzas? Yeah. Yeah, I've had that. It's so good. It's so good.

Yeah, they throw a lot of sauce on there. It's a three-letter word. You know, I appreciate it. I was making sure that you could spell it. It's important. Is it possessive, though? Is there an apostrophe? Is it their pizza?

It's a good question. Are there lots of Jets jets or is it just one jet that it was all these pizzas i think there's multiple multiple it might be twins oh yeah it's like school pizzas like school pizza yeah but they were flat in school that was the most disgusting thing i can't't believe they... Our lunches were so bad, thinking back. Kids should riot, man. They should take hostages. Stop tolerating this shit.

I mean, pizza day was the only thing that kept kids in line. Every Wednesday, getting a little pizza. Yeah. Everything was bad, though. Those chicken nuggets were so gross. We had steak nuggets. That sounds kind of nice. I never ate them,

but when you bit into them, it was dark meat. Yeah, you get a cafeteria beef or whatever. It can get really low quality. At my grade school, I didn't realize this until I was an adult, obviously, but they would have chicken rings

day. Like chicken rings that you buy at white castle and part of the chicken does the is the ring come from it's uh it's a sphincter yeah it's and like i remember like we'd go up there and you'd have your little tray and they'd give you like five or seven or whatever chicken rings and i remember even as a kid like dipping it in the ketchup whatever just being like why the hell are they rings like what is going on here my grade school was buying bulk chicken rings from i guess white castle corporate and feeding it to us like that that's criminal frankly like that is their lower quality is their lower quality meat? Maybe the retired circus animals at Taco Bell,

but there's not much else. I saw the other day on Reddit, there was this Australian product, and it was chicken donuts. It was like full-size chicken rings that looked like donuts. I mean, okay. I know, right? I talked to my Australian friends.

They're like, yeah, those are great. Is it like white meat, dark meat? Oh, I'm sure it's very high quality meat yeah and they're only better as a ring only the best for the donut the chicken donuts yeah do you remember when mcdonald's switched to like claiming all white meat on their nuggets if anything that when i would drive through drive-thrus and they started making that claim that was like a me thinks thou doth protest too much situation. Like, come on, get real. We know there's like beaks and feathers in this. One thing that strikes me about McDonald's is it's cheaper for them to buy

those sick Australian cows and ship those to America to feed us than it is to just use American beef somehow. Really? We're eating shitty. Why are they shitty Australian cows? They just don't make them as well over there oh i just picked yeah they don't make cows good in australia yeah they don't know how they have the technology a bunch of con men i mean they're eating chicken donuts

i mean murderers and rapists they're on that continent by themselves you'd think that they would have a really high crime rate there in australia because if it's all a bunch of descendants of of pirates. Right. Nature versus nurture. Because like they didn't they didn't like kick off by sending loiterers to Australia like it was like real deal, guys. Well, see, that never made sense to me. They were so hardcore, but they were kind enough to put them on a boat and send them to a different hemisphere. boat and send them to a different hemisphere? I think they just wanted

to have some sort of claim on it because I was reading something that they would take prisoners and be like, if you agree to marry a prostitute and move to Australia, you don't have to serve your sentence. Oh. And so it's like, okay, well, I guess I'll marry a prostitute

and move to Australia. We need to do that again with homeless. No kidding. Get that 300 pound guy a shoplift, a liquor store, and give him a prostitute and ship him to Mars. Is there a huge homeless problem? I feel like there is.

I sometimes can't. We could clean it up in a day if we really wanted to. I've made mention of the Year of the Shark before a couple of times, right? Yeah, a little No, you poison them. You don't shoot them.

You say tomato, I say tomato. So the year of the shark, there was this thing, it was like seven years ago, shark attacks were in the news constantly, all about these shark attacks. It turned out the numbers were, it was kind of an average year for shark attacks, but they made it seem like sharks were overtaking our beaches every time there was a shark fucking spotted in the water they're like helicopters photograham videotaping then

there's sharks in the water yeah there's lots of fish in the water no fucking shit back to the homeless is there a huge homeless epidemic growing population there might be i feel like i see it but i don't know if I'm being programmed to see it. I can't tell if homeless is exploding or if homeless coverage is exploding. It's insane in LA. I wonder why COVID has been. I wonder why COVID didn't get them. Okay.

Kyle, I keep talking over you. What did you say? Why didn't COVID get them? Because it's a hoax. Because they weren't fat. The homeless? Yeah. Because they weren't fat the homeless yeah because they weren't fat i've seen a fat homeless guy before and that is a conundrum i'm not giving that guy money so he's fucking

sam tarley or he's the donut king of eighth street or whatever the fuck you go from lost so the homeless out here are in their tents and they've got little like you go through the underpasses and stuff atlanta's got a lot of like raised highways that make loop-de-loops and places and like you go through these little isolated corners and they'll just have a little jungle village set up with multiple tents and like ramshackle like tin leaned up lean twos and like all sorts of nonsense they are living out there continuously. There's a campfire and shit. It's absurd.

And I see it everywhere. America on the rise. And like, like you have to slow down to go through the curves. And I always think like, wow, they're just living right there on both sides too. Like there's so many.

And I know in LA, I remember the worst I've ever seen it was seattle though when we were walking they call it the pier the wharf whatever the fuck when you're coming up from down that where those restaurants are on the water uh going back into the city um we saw a herd of homeless that reminded me of a zombie movie and then uh and then here in atlanta i remember when i was picking chis up from the bus station that one time it was like feeding time at the bus station for the hobos and they brought out this big truck and they knew they you know they like shadow pellets on the ground white bread and seeds jack daniel's balls of some sort they've got these styrofoam like uh like lunch boxes you know that

like you know sealed together like take out the homeless are terrified of they hate them no they're passing them out like like left and right and then the homeless are like eating fast as fuck and then throwing them like immediately to the ground and so the whole park area right next to the bus station looks like that scene from Terminator 2. That scene from Terminator 2 when they're warping into LA and trash is just blowing everywhere. That's what it looked like. As soon as Chiz got off that bus,

someone was like, yo, you want some weed, man? I was like, I just got here. We're in California. That's what I told him. I was like, we're in Georgia. We got's what i told him i was like we were in the we're in the we were no we're in georgia like we got in my car and i was like did you get the weed man he's like no i was like what the fuck i only have so much at my house i would have liked some weed from out here it's

not even about that it's weed it's like like if that guy offered to sell me an unsealed pack of lace i'd say no thank you i'm gonna go toroger for it or whatever. Like you just don't, you don't buy things from homeless people. I don't trust homeless people. I, um, I, I,

I never, I never know. I try, I've tried to be nice to them and it's always backfired on me in one way or another. Remember that time when I, um, I don't remember exactly how it went down, but like I was at a gas station either late at night or off hours, and a homeless person was with me.

And I think instead of money, I just told him I'd buy him coffee because that's what he wanted. And I was like, yeah, man, get your fucking coffee and bring it up here. I'm checking out. We're using my debit card. I can't give him cash, but yeah, I'll buy you a coffee. And the guy that works there is so pissed at me because I'm like, yeah, he came in with me. He wanted a coffee. And he's like, oh, you got it making hurry up over there i see what you're doing and i look and he's like getting like

all the sugar and like all the cream and he's in this giant cup of coffee and it's just like it's mostly cream he's like ruining shit over there like making a mess and now and i'm like i came in with me yeah you're responsible for this hoodlum if i weren't there he'd have been shooed out because he obviously doesn't have money because i'm co-signing i've brought this cretin in with me i mean like that's an easy way like when i lived in the city a few years ago like i started out like i'd give like a couple dollars here and there and i quickly realized because i lived like you know very populated area right above a restaurant that

i would just offer like no don't have any money i'll get you a sandwich though and 95 of the time the response is like hell no it's like like no like there was this one midget who i bought him a sandwich a few times because he was always down i'd be like hey you want a sandwich and he was always like yeah so i would get him a sandwich but everybody else i would talk to he he might be the only guy actually now i'm thinking about it that ever took sandwiches everyone else was like no they just wanted my yeah my girlfriend gave a salad to a homeless guy one time and he threw it at her that's what you deserve like what the deserve if you get me a salad can you imagine that

some fucking skinny bitch giving you a salad you think I'm gonna die you bitch I want to start a charity that feeds the homeless but it's only atomic warheads just give them happy meals where like that bank account that stolen money explodes on their face. And they open it up like, you got God!

The homeless are so bad here, they're building plywood under the freeways in Hollywood. Plywood structures, probably not up to code. Tough judge. Probably not. They've covered the whole sidewalk, so handicapped people have to go into the street to get around them now. I bet they act, like, indignant when a crippled person tries to get by. Oh, yeah. So they've got their own little civilizations under the overpasses now with porta-potties and stuff and then there's like on the off ramps in pasadena they'll

have these like luxurious hobo spreads like their own little commune and then there's guys in the in the houses that people stopped building on in my neighborhood there's one or two there's like secret hobo areas where they're like sneaking in and i really want to just like fuck up all the good homeless people's spots by going into the shitty like homeless slums and like just ferrying them like look i got i'm fucking really annoyed at the homeless people in my neighborhood who think they're getting away with it so i want you i want to cram you in there just to fuck up their time and get rid of them uh i don't know why i'm so possessive over it because i feel like we're kind of living in the same place they need to because like i hear about these homeless in seattle and portland and in la like in those areas you're talking about the nice little areas

they need to ship out some some st louis homeless people yeah to those areas because the the homeless here in the city of st louis are murderers. They're not veterans. They're murderers. They're crazy people. You wouldn't have so many homeless. People get assaulted walking back to their car from sports games all the time. The second a Blues game's over, it's like the whole crowd is like, even away fans are like, all right, and stop.

Stop. Everybody is moving in a block trying to get safely down the street. Like, it is a St. Louis. It's a home. But it's a failed city. It's a failed city. Like, they will never come back. It is a trashy, shitty hellhole that's dirty and dangerous.

It's a shame, but it's done. It's done. If it weren't for professional sports, if it weren't for the Cardinals and Blues, no one would go there. No one. It's great here. Not any jobs you couldn't get a better version of out in the county. Crime scene cleanup mostly.

And so much of it now. I saw some bullshit article, some literal propaganda article today that was like, Gen Z actually hates working from home. They desperately want to get back in the office. And it was like a Bloombergberg article that was like just like literally propaganda trying to like get people to think like oh i should go back to the office it's like every comment it was one of those tweets where it's like you know 3 000 replies 10 000 quote tweets 16 likes like because everyone immediately is like yeah this isn't true everyone knows this have do you know any Gen Z people?

Cause the author of this is 61. Uh, like, what are you talking about? Like everyone I know who's a millennial or Gen Z is stoked as shit to be working from home. Oh, not, not most, not some 100%. Even the people I talk to who are like, sometimes I like to go back in the office and I know people like that. What they mean is once to twice a week.

They like to pop in that's it one of the one of the few things that's keeping like society here together right now is the fact that so many people don't have to drive to work right now and and burn that gasoline that would drive the price up even further and a lot of people just couldn't stomach it like like gas their fuel prices are double or triple or whatever it's already wild there's a lot of people just couldn't stomach it. Like gas, their fuel prices are double or triple or whatever. It's already wild. There's a lot of people who live week to week, paycheck to paycheck. And to throw an extra, suck an extra $500 of fuel charges out of them every month with the inflation the way it is, is crippling. Yeah, the cost of living increases are no joke.

Like it is for real. I don't know. This is not a profound thought, but the gas is expensive. Most of the time I fill my truck, I can't now. They limit it at $75 or $100. Oh, wow. Yeah. And I'm like, what am I going to swipe my debit card twice?

I'm a busy man. I work sometimes upward of eight hours a week. Remember Scum bought that big truck? Mm-hmm. He must never fill the tank. Oh, he always fills the tank. And it's like, i can't remember what he said it cost it was over 100 my gas stations won't let you put more than 100 in diesel six

dollars a gallon like if they don't let you put more than 100 in then you're not going to get much fuel i bought diesel recently i bought 30 gallons worth because i put it in my tractor and i have this big thing and uh yeah i had to run the card like two or three times to fill it up it's pain in the ass yeah i get i bet at the card like two or three times to fill it up. It's a pain in the ass. I bet at the off-road diesel thing, it just goes, huh? You would think. You'd think. That one was closed. I had to buy on-road diesel.

Yeah. It was like a gas station going on vacation from July 4th to 8th. I remember my dad explaining the concept of off-road and on-road diesel to me when I was a kid and being like, why would anyone ever pay for the full price diesel who's checking the diesel even as a kid it was like come on who's doing that and i guess it's those dot got the the highway safety guys or whatever like i know they do it with big rigs like they'll check their fuel and be like yeah

but nobody ever checked a fucking guy driving his f-350 down the road to make sure his diesel wasn't pink do you think they no one ever checks that have they i guess i've only driven a diesel truck occasionally like when we need to haul like cattle and like i don't really remember obviously i didn't get pulled over i don't know i need to talk to a diesel truck my friends maybe i My friends who tow a lot say that like, yeah, the cop cars have sensors. They can drive behind you and tell. And by the way, if you run a tank of off-road diesel like that, die stays there for a while. It's months before you're clean again. Wow. I don't know i don't know about that because when i lived in when i lived in idaho many years ago i remember someone telling me they're like you still have missouri plates on your car and they're expired cops have a sensor on the front of their car so they don't even need to see your plate it'll just beep and then they'll know that yours is expired and i lived for two years in idaho with expired missouri plates and I never switched never changed them I have

expired plates right now there are no magical fucking expired plates buddies May 9th I'll get to it when I'm ready okay it's January it'll get done I like this version of the law where they just make up stories

like about stuff like oh, you can't drink before you're 21 because alcohol is actually poisonous until you turn 21. And then we don't have to card anymore. It's just like, oh shit. Yeah, I can't do that. Oh yeah. It's the dare shit we all dealt with. When they were like, weed?

Oh, that'll kill you. And then as soon as you met kids like because all the kids on my hockey teams for the most part started smoking way before my classmates at school did and i was like damn like not only is dan high as shit he just got a hat trick and he's not dying like he's doing like this doesn't seem threatening at all and so yeah they they really overplayed their hand with the marijuana stuff like what they should have done has been like hey weed it can make you lazy it can make you complacent it can it can you know cause some problems if you're using this before your brain's fully developed you know keep it in line but these other things meth heroin these will destroy your life like

almost instantly they have the capacity to but they lumped it all in the same thing and so like you see that weed isn't as serious and your 16 year old perspective goes oh well then these other drugs must not be as intense either or at least i know that's how a couple of my friends started trying like heroin it's it they lied to us and so now you can't trust their word on that other stuff they say so yeah yeah yeah i remember those dare classes very well that was um sixth grade i think no no no eighth grade eighth grade i i felt like i because i'm older i've been subjected to more brainwashing than you guys are pot wasn't you know like people didn't say maybe pot's not bad until i was like in my mid-30s

maybe 40 and so i live like a good 40 years hearing like, I wonder what's worth pot, meth or heroin. They're also dangerous. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think I ever. Robbing a convenience store and look at that guy overeating. I don't think I ever thought of it as dangerous.

I just didn't want to get in any trouble and I didn't, you know thought of it as dangerous. I just didn't want to get in any trouble. And I didn't, you know. But it went well. But I don't think we ever thought it was as dangerous as those other scary drugs. Although I used to think that cocaine was a scary drug and psychedelics were scary drugs. But I don't think that anymore either. I still struggle with some of the stack ranking like it's my understanding that psychedelics like the the ketamine and the mushrooms are maybe somewhere around pot i don't know what happens if you have too many or do it too often um but like if you do mushrooms too often you talk about mushrooms all the time it's really

fucking annoying that's what happened oh that happened to joe rogan yeah poor guy suffering such cases that is true the worst part about hallucinogens are the people who want to talk Joe Rogan. Yeah. Poor guy. He's suffering. Such cases. That is true. The worst part about hallucinogens are the people who want to talk to you about it constantly. And like, you know, I got some real good insights last time I was doing that. It's like, really? Because you ate half a container of peanut butter and fell asleep. What are you talking about?

Are you sure? Turns out I've been too nice. Turns out I've been really a giver. I'm getting taken advantage of. I didn't say the opposite about you. I don't know. I'm on my drug and it says you're a piece of shit. That's suffocating.

Awful. That does seem to be the way it goes. I can't imagine for you woody like them just lumping it in heroin weed you know drugs it's hard to get re-educated and like where does everything stack rank what's up with that and like acid acid was back when i was in high school like the second most popular thing pot wins of course but uh unless you count alcohol acid was a thing that a lot of like half of the potheads also did acid. Where does that rank next to mushrooms, for example?

I don't know. It depends how much you eat. More intense than weed. Yeah. I guess on the danger scale. Oh, acid's extremely safe. Oh, is it? Yeah.

Yeah. You can't overdose on acid. Yeah. You can't overdose on acid. Shit. Yeah. You can't overdose on acid. You can have a bad time, though. Well, I mean, you can have a bad time at a water park, but... Help me out here, because I'm not an expert. But you're not trapped in a water slide.

If you have too much acid, you have a really negative experience, right? Or maybe you're in the wrong setting. You could have a bad time with a little bit of acid if you're a Debbie Downer. You could just lay on your back and cry and stare up at the sky. You said you did it last night. Yeah. I've never done acid.

I thought that you couldn't sleep on it. Bro, you can't eat. If you do acid, you should do it every day. You'll never eat again. I can't co-sign this i really won't eat when i when we we i took like four or five hits of acid and then we ordered donuts and i remember i ate two donuts just so high like like munching them and looking at every we were just so happy i had this like bacon maple donut it was like a maple donut obviously with chunks of

delicious bacon on it and i was like this is the most delicious wonderful thing i've ever had in my life and i was and i would look up at the tv and everything was all squiggly it was wonderful but i was starving i was really hungry oh that's odd every time i do it i can't eat like i just start eating and i'm like i feel like i'm chewing molecules in half and I just get grossed out. Yeah, that's what that's what they were saying, too. They said it. They said it felt gross to chew in their mouths. Yeah, like but I didn't have that.

I was like munching it up and like showing them my chewed up donut. The fuck I hate that. Like more for me. Get grossed out. We got a dozen, bitch. Like I got I got I got really fucking high on acid and it was a tremendous time i only did it that one time but uh i was lots of visual hallucinations and just extraordinary time had a great time speaking of drugs before we continue to talk

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yet I got my girlfriend here he goes yeah yeah we like to we like to pop a blue shoe like what do you mean i gotta i mean i'm not even drunk yet i got my girlfriend here and he goes yeah yeah we like to we like to rock a blue shoe before we go out i'm like you just have like a hard cock so yeah in case we go to a club a strip club or something so you have big hard cocks all night yeah it's awesome okay well i said no but i regret it i wish i had done it see because like people have this idea of like oh you take that dick pill it's just gonna make you hard but you still need to want your dick to get hard like you're not just gonna magically start getting hard from it like you still need to be horny it's just oh I am getting hard oh I know you're one of the you're one of the horniest men

I know it's why I respect you and and so, yeah, that's the way it is. Have you tried it, the blue chew? Yeah, I just held up a package of it. I've got it here at my house. Oh, shit, I thought that was a fake package. No, no, it's a real one. I'm not showing the back because that's my address. I thought that was a green screen package.

No, no, no. I got all sorts of goodies and drugs and wonky weeds, Delta 10 distillate, all sorts of drugs. drugs and wonky weeds, Delta 10 distillate, and all sorts of drugs. Oh, yeah, we're still doing ads. Oh, sorry. No, you're fucking fine. These two retards are fucking gone. They should be about popping their blue shoes.

Just fucking leave. Having a sword fight. So this episode also brought to you by Lock and Load. We'll do this first. Hopefully Kyle and Woody will get back before the weed one. So Lock and Load, the finest load pills imaginable. They're going to increase your orgasm volume. They're going to increase your orgasm length, or at least for me it did,

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off this product. 10% off anything else at GorillaMind.com. Also, code Jizz for 10% off there. And I don't know if that works on anything else on the site. J-I-Z-Z for code Jizz. 10% off. Buy it because don't know if that works on anything else on the site. JIZZ for Code Giz, 10% off. Buy it because I want you to. I want the money. I had an orgasm on acid recently.

How's that? It wasn't as good as I thought it would be. Is it supposed to be really good? Well, everything is just heightened heightened and your senses are confused. So time will pass extremely slowly. Colors and feeling will get messed up and you sing. And it was like, I swear to God, in the middle, I could feel it starting. And it started and I was like, oh, no.

And time started just going really, really slow. I could feel like, you know, where sometimes you can feel it building and then you blow. And I was like, oh, awesome. That felt like really that lead. Cause sometimes it's like, damn it. Right. I didn't get that good lead up.

Do it again. Do it again. Do it again. Do you fuck that up? So I could feel this one, like, starting to build, and I was like, oh, awesome. And that's when, like, time stopped, like, the fucking Flash and X-Men.

I was like, oh, no, this is the worst thing. Oh, no. And I have this realization, like, oh, no, and my girlfriend starts laughing. I'm like, no, no, don't laugh! And then I was like, oh! Ah! Ah!

Ah! I can feel the time and like my brain felt it was like ripping in half and it was like I was seeing like that stranger things upside down shit I'm thinking about that little kid and then it was it was over and she's laughing like that was really horrible or great i don't know which one but see you don't you don't need that you don't want it don't bust on acid then bust on long and load and you'll enjoy it you won't start thinking about the stranger kids thing stranger things kid with no teeth or whatever his issue i think he has teeth now that's great for him um also we're gonna read the final ad this episode of pka brought to you by death by gummy bears and wonky weeds because it makes more sense to do both So are you or a loved one sick of mediocre or even bad THC alternatives? I know I am.

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They've got, uh, where the fuck I've, I've used so much of these products. I'm running out of stuff to show. I've got, they've got these, these,

uh, fucking moon rocks that I haven't used yet, but it looks like they get you absolutely annihilated. If you cut off a piece and put it in there, you eat them. You don't eat them. You don't eat them. You don't eat them. You smoke them.

Yeah, you smoke them. And then the biggest thing that I think most people are going to enjoy are the little carts like this. They last a long time. They're nice, potent. They're good. If you're looking for something a little stronger, these THCO ones are the way to go. If you're looking for a more mellow thing, the Delta 8 is the way to go because the thco is more powerful that taylor i don't know like i have a couple of those but i don't have a burner oh you're gonna so you you need a grinder to to grind it into uh

no no no he's talking about the cart he's talking about oh yeah you need a grinder you grind the plastic so so this right here i'm trying to hold it so this is like an industry standard like threading and so pretty much any like battery you're gonna buy at any store is gonna fit this like see kyle has hit both of those they'll screw it in sell those or do you need to go to like a yeah no like i have i don't have it here i can't find it i have like a little blue stick one that i've had for a long time that i got it at a cheapo little shop and it fits into this fine. It's just like an industry standard thread. You just screw it in and then hit the button

and hit it. So you would go to a THC smoke shop. Gas station you think would have it too. I know they do. Go to the gas station and tell them you just want the battery that you've already got the card. Some of the gas stations around me have them also. I just go to the smoke shop because it's like a shirt thing.

It'll screw it in the back. When you vape, does it smell like pot? No. No, like vaping, the smell goes away almost instantly. And it usually smells fruity. That's gelato. What is that flavor that you have? I've got gelato.

This one is gelato. And then I have, I had a fucking other one around here. I don't remember where I put it. No, I like the vape. Yeah, Granddaddy. I have Granddaddy. Like just to run through the products, I would say the THCO and I think there's HHC maybe. I think I got those. Those make me dopey high, especially

the THCO. The Delta 9 syrup they have is strong as fuck. That shit rules. I love the syrup. And I don't know how they make Delta 9 legally because Delta 9 is just fucking weed. No, no. Someone corrected me on that. as fuck that shit rules i love this and i don't know how they make delta 9 legally because delta 9 is just fucking weed no no someone corrected me on that it's thc 9 that's regular weed not delta well i got that you can get grape or cherry syrup and it gets you dopey high i drink a lot of it because i guess i got a high tolerance but like like four swigs gets me fucked up but um

the gummy do not start with swigs folks just you know i'm talking to my my fellow uh aficionados here you know if you're gonna like eat these though like the death the death gummies definitely start with like pieces of them they're really are the shit yeah each one is 100 milligrams they're unbelievably strong so don't don't be a hero. I've had no fibbing. I've had probably a dozen people tweet me now and be like, I wish I took what you said more seriously about how strong this shit is. Because someone said he took three and had an out-of-body experience. I ate a pencil eraser.

I looked at that thing later. I even took a picture. The dick was still there on that gummy. I did not eat that gummy's dick. Just the feet. We don at that thing later. I even took a picture. The dick was still there on that gummy. I did not like that gummy's dick. Just the feet. We don't eat the dick. Just the feet on the legs. For Dick's benefit,

last week, we were talking about it, or maybe two weeks ago, all the shows blend together, and we were like, Woody, just take one foot off of it. He ate two feet instead, and we were like, okay, well, hopefully that's not too bad. And it was maybe like an hour. It was like a pencil race, even smaller than that.

It was like, you did that on the show. We did it on the show. And it was like an hour. It was like an hour and 45 minutes into the show. And maybe at like the three hour point, Woody's like, guys, this is the highest I've ever been in my entire life. What the fuck? Like, what the fuck is going on like it's just it's just they're dangerously not dangerously they're surprisingly potent i they're very potent i i swear you're around the first time i took them i took three

because i thought they were bullshit and they fucked me up so so so bad. It was rough. I was laying in bed naked with a fan on, like dousing myself with water to keep from vomiting. They're strong. They're strong. It's drugs, folks. Don't think it's drugs. When are you guys getting a heroin sponsor?

As soon as they offer, blacktar.biz, I in contact with them so yeah check it out check out all the sponsors and lock and load and everything hope you enjoy a lot of people have been using the the new weed sponsors and everybody's really liking it so that that makes me happy glad people are enjoying it so yeah we're in the we've been in the discord playing tarkov and uh we'reov, and we're all high. And I'll be like, I'm so sorry that I did that. Sorry, you guys are waiting on me. I'm stoned. I didn't realize I had to click the button.

And everybody's like, bro, I'm so stoned. I didn't realize either. Yeah, man. We were all sitting there zoned out at a loading screen, and nobody was upset. What do they've got? And a loading screen. And nobody was upset. I won't talk about Tarkov much, but you can do private matches now where you don't lose your gear.

So we all jump in a co-op private match and have little fights in one building and then do it over and over with goofy guns. If you want to come do that with us, we could just give you a gun and you could play with us. You don't need to be any level. Yeah, that'd be fun. I'm about to leave town though of course yeah i mean anytime though

yeah thank you i want to talk about your trip a little i'm excited about it dude it's all i think about so here's the mission i start in raleigh north carolina where i live i drive out to four corners monument so there's the place in amer America where four states share a border and one little dot. I think it might be Arizona, New Mexico, Utah, and Colorado. I think so, too. If not, a lot of those overlap. It's some of those. I think I've been there, yeah.

Have you? Okay. It'll be my first time there. I drove from Albuquerque to Denver once so the feds wouldn't know I was going to have a smokecation in the middle of my probation period. I had to throw him off my trail so I flew into Albuquerque, rented a car, drove up, and I pretty sure I passed through there. That's so psychotic.

I live an exciting life. Leave me alone. I would have done something like that too. Do you wear aviators and a mustache while you're doing it? I'm Kyle and I'm here for my albuquerque vacation and then i drive to fucking denver i'm sorry please go ahead okay people probably want to hear about your vacation but but um so you can see i'm going from north carolina on the right to that four corners monument and then we're taking these fairly aggressive dirt roads and little trails through mountain

passes through Colorado and Wyoming. You can Google it. It's the Colorado Back Road Discovery Route and the Wyoming Back Road Discovery Route. And I'm going with... I was going to go solo. You're going the Back Road Discovery Route? That sounds a little erotic. Yeah, he's taking the dirt road.

Brokeback Discovery Tour. Officers, don't be freaked out. That's just a little erotic. Yeah, he's taking the dirt road. Brokeback discovery tour. Officers, don't be freaked out. That's just a doll behind me. Yeah, so we're going by motorcycle. So it's just sort of highways out there. I'm doing something called the Iron Butt. This is kind of a thing that people who go 1,000 miles in 24 hours get a patch and a special license plate holder. It's a pretty big deal. There are half of how many people have it like probably over a thousand i don't know

like a lot of people that's pretty exclusive but um yeah it's how long does it take to drive a thousand miles like how long did you think probably less time on a bike because you're going fast right i just i thought 12 patches they were 12 i'm just saying i'm stealing valor immediately i thought it was gonna take me like 12 or i was like well if you go 100 miles an hour it takes 12 hours i'll go 85 and i'm sorry it takes 10 hours it'll take like 12 no people are taking 20 24 hours to do this that's a lot of bike riding i don't know but on day two i aspire to go a thousand miles from Kentucky to Colorado. And then on day three or four, we'll start the big trip.

I was going to go solo. It was my thing. I was like, you know what? I just have to fucking get out of here and do a thing. And I have five motorcycle friends coming with me now. And we're all doing it in this big pack. And then highways back home from Wyoming. So it should be cool.

I've been packing my bike and buying fleece hats and camp food. I bought new sneakers for this trip. What camp food have you picked? Is there anything you're excited to eat out there? No. Camp food is

of the nature that... Taylor, tell me about the snacks. Snacks. I don't know. me about the snacks. Snacks you have in there. I don't know. I would bring snacks. I did bring cobbler, but this is all food where you add water and rehydrate. It's only good because your standards have been lowered by the nature of camping.

But yeah, so I've just been totally jazzed about packing and prepping, and all my friends and I are sending pictures of our loaded up motorcycles to each other and i i have been sending daily updates about like the trip was like 37 days away and that's when i started saying 37 days away 36 days every day in our group chat i've been counting it down and psychologically it's been fucking with me because like the trip will be like 21 days away and i'm like oh it's getting close and then it's like 17 days away and i'm like it's so fucking far even though it's closer and i can't wait to go this is like this show is the last thing i have to do that before i go

we'll get this thing all up and ready and and i'll probably leave in the morning i don't want to give people the exact dates of when i'm going because some of you might be rapey or something, but I'm very jazzed about this trip. It's been occupying all of my thoughts. Dude, I've been watching other people. There's advertising videos. They make movies out of this, the Backroad Discovery Route people. On the Colorado one, dude broke his arm. On the Wyoming one, dude broke his wrist. I the Wyoming one, dude broke his wrist. I'm like, what kind of medical emergencies await my team? Are you going to be disappointed if you don't get a medical emergency? Maybe a little bit.

A little bit. You know, they're going to play this back. Maybe someone will get disinterested. When you're fording the river. What's your ideal medical emergency walk me through a bear attack would be outstanding they're all dude i have been fucking talking so much shit about bears all my friends i've got friends bringing a gun what have we heard about the shit you've been talking about meanwhile i'm like you

fuckers are afraid of bears stand behind behind me. I have a knife. And I do. I brought a knife. It's the one Kyle gave me, that SOG knife. I got it strapped to the outside of my luggage. If a bear comes, I'm going to die with a knife in my hand. Yeah, but the hand will be in the maw of the bear. But I've been telling all my friends,

you pussies are afraid of bears? It's okay. Stand behind me. I'm so jazzed with this trip. And I guess there's real big bears out west and stuff. East coast bears are pussies. West coast bears are not. West coast bears are the real bears. The black bears are the little ones that'll get in your garbage and run away. Brown bears

are the grizzly bears. Black bears are like pests. They like big dogs they're silly you know like i feel like a black bear would make a great pet i bet he loves belly rubs those brown bears seem like they enjoy torturing things that are shaped like us to death dude that's what polar bears seem like the biggest bears are the polar bears and they seem like they kill for fun like they'll just kill a seal just to play in its blood and then and then leave they get all over their fur and wear it around like a trophy and then every once in a while one of those fuckers gets what's common when an orca gets them those are good videos no seeing the apex sea predator take down

the apex land predator you know one of the uh the listeners reached out to me and said that if we were ever serious about doing any big game hunting that his family owns a um i don't know some kind of an outdoor outdoorsman type store i didn't get the details but nice i'm telling them i'm not interested you guys are getting hunted welcome to my store today we're having the most dangerous game. Taylor, he's got the best marbling. All the snacks you want, fatso. I've been so excited. I've been so excited about this trip that I couldn't wait to pack. I bought tires for my motorcycle like three months ago that sat until two weeks ago because i need new tires and if you

install new tires three months in advance they're not new tires anymore they're worn tires and i'm gonna wear these tires out on the trip i the brake pad same thing i just changed the oil a few days ago like i i've been i've been anxiously awaiting my supplies to put them on the bike because i ride the bike all the time and and i'm it needs to be new and ready for the trip because i'm doing it with six thousand mile jaunt. And I, I am very, very jazzed about this thing.

I have friends who are equally excited. One of my friends bought a new motorcycle for the trip. $15,000. Yeah. You've been riding the one you're going to do the trip on. I would have, or I guess that makes sense for practice. I imagined like you would have been saving that one,

like a treat and like riding a different one around. I've been saving the part. It has a new chain, a new sprocket, new back sprocket. It has a new front and rear tires it has new oil in it has a new air filter in it and that's all i can think of so like all the wear parts have been replaced just recently but yeah i ride that bike all the time i always reach for it nice yeah that's great i'm excited for you and so this is the last thing you have to do and then it's all mined on i i'm a bit after this

i'm gonna go to sleep i thought about taking a gummy or something so that i because i now i strategically took mine like 10 minutes ago this is the i'll do it give me a second i'll join you and then taylor will have to carry the show again like no no no no you guys have like a two and a half hour stretch only one who doesn't like being on the high yeah yeah oh dude when i i got high on the show now when the show has dead air or something i usually jump in with topics or like i try to help out all the time oh yeah you're johnny on the spot woody i i think you're teasing me but uh but um when'm high, I don't give a fuck.

I stop caring about this show entirely. I practically put my feet on the table and let Taylor handle it. Dude, the episode a few months ago when both of you were high was brutal the last hour. I was just like, Kyle, what do you think about this? What do you think about this? And then it was the only time I've ever spoken to a co-host on a podcast and not get a response. I'd be like, Kyle, what do you think about this news story? And I'd give him like three seconds and nothing would happen.

I'd be like, oh, well, I guess I think this. I was smoking their fucking vapes that they sent us and I got so god damn high they're really strong I don't know how you guys do it I would hate being high on the show it just makes you not want to talk as much

you guys have to have like a counter like some kind of like inhalant counter like bong bong you know some kind of meter to show have something on on tiles that shows total tokes yeah yeah this thing probably counts i mean what's that say 192 i don't want anything i'm consuming to count for me thank you very much i don't i don't need that no i like that it rolls over to a thousand though you don't want my my goldfish gallon box carton to to sound an alarm when i'm in the bottom third imagine that calorie counter

you should automatically reorder that's the technology every time you reach in if it counted the the the reaches just every time you reached into the thing oh i don't reach in i pour it i pour it into a little container and i go oh look at me i'm responsibly eating out of a container except the container's gotten larger and larger and now it's a full-size bowl yeah that's what i do he's taking beer bug hits goldfish it's just a goal like a like i'm a hamster just suckling at that teat of goldfish sucking him no i i myself and kindergarten classes across the country are the largest purchasers of those cartat of goldfish sucking them. No, I myself and kindergarten classes across the country are the largest purchasers of those cartons of goldfish

that are the size of your torso. And they sell them in two packs. And you'd think they'd last a while. No, they are good. Goldfish and Cheez-Its are like my little comfort snack. I think they're just okay. I like those. I think they're just okay. The trail those. I think they're just okay.

The trail mix thing that Woody likes is pretty good, but what I really would like, if I could pick anything, would be the really good pecans, cashews, and almonds, honey roasted, and a big barrel of those. Those are delicious. How about macadamia nuts? Mixed honey roasted nuts? Yeah. That's a solid choice. Yeah. Yeah. That's delicious. How about macadamia nuts? Mixed honey roasted nuts? Yeah.

That's a solid choice. Yeah. Yeah. That's good stuff. I love ramen. Like smushed up ramen packets. Dry ramen. What the fuck?

Yeah, it sounds disgusting, but like a whole. Because you can buy them and no one suspects like when you buy them the size of an encyclopedia set. Like a ramen stack from the store. And then you come and you just get, because first of all, you get like the angry, I'm smashing this shit up, right? And then you can put all that MSG salt

all over it. And it's got a container where you can bend it like a taco and just pour it right into your mouth. What? Wait, you're not boiling the ramen? So you crunch it? Uh-uh, he's chewing it up.

Yeah, like chips. It's insane. When did you start doing that? Wait, crunch it? Uh-uh. He's chewing it up. Yeah. Like chips. It's insane. When did you start doing that? Wait, what? I don't know. I've done it my whole life. You're eating ramen with the salt on it dry? Yes. Like it's... It bubbles in your stomach.

That's where it turns into noodles. You eat it dry and you smush it up in your mouth and you get the unfiltered you don't want water messing up the MSG and the salt what's the best flavor to do that with? chicken, beef, shrimp, spicy shrimp

I have no idea, I don't taste any of it you're just too fucked up to taste it I need Gordon Ramsay to come to your kitchen and give his feedback on your ramen dude that's so gross eating ramen dry. Because it's really hard. It's not chewable almost. Well, it's not spaghetti.

It's not quite spaghetti. You can chew it. But it seems like it's forbidden. It seems like you shouldn't be eating it. You definitely shouldn't. The instructions don't say optional boil water. They say do boil water. I'm not going to boil the water.

Are you getting the whole packet of MSG salt in on the scoop? Oh, yeah. Well, then you must be blitzed to not be tasting that. Because that's pure salty flavor. Yeah, it's very strong. Up your snack game, boys. I don't know it's very strong. Up your snack game, boys.

I don't know what to tell you. Up my snack game. That's a tremendous step downward to start eating uncooked noodles in salt. Yeah. Now you know where I'm at. Do you have a normal snack that you enjoy? Honey roasted mixed nuts, trail mix, and goldfish over there. And you think your ramen noodle is the top of the heap?

Yeah. Goldfish are a tale as old as time. Everyone knows the quality of goldfish. That's why they've cornered the market of children's and classy adult snacks. Ramen noodles, it's peak evolution. 300 billion Chinamen can't be wrong. You know? This is... Strong argument.

No, wait, it's Korea where they eat dogs. Or is China dogs too? I don't know. You know, I'm going to lump China in with the dog eating. You regret the debate? Isn't that the most fun thing? You start an argument with someone

either online or usually online and like you get a few like replies and you're like i just don't care either way i'm just arguing to argue here i'm just just doing this like hoping that an opportunity for a joke will come up and you can do that but yeah there's i i love seeing you on Twitter because you just, it seems like your MO is just trying to upset people in a way that they can't tell that you're trying to upset them. Yeah, that's my goal in life. Yeah. I think overall. Trolling, it's funny.

Yeah, upsetting people. Even myself sometimes. Like, why did I do that? It looks like I got me again. myself sometimes like why did i do that well it looks like i got me again well but you're you'll like say stuff that like just try you'll be like abortion it should be mandatory until proven you can otherwise take care of a child and like you'll get like unironic people being like i think that's wrong like i think that's wrong take Like, I think that's wrong take. Yeah, I don't know. People are crazy. Like, they, it's such a, like, a pretentious, stupid thing to say.

But, no, our culture is so dedicated. It's like a death cult that we all belong to. Like, the idea that people are drawing the line now after how many taxes that we pay and like how little choice that we have anything uh it's like embarrassed it's like rick and morty level nihilism but i don't know it's it's so hard to see these conservative people arguing over who which one of them that you should give your your uh super chats to like that's how I see it. I just watched your boy, the video of him yelling at AOC. First of all, she does have a big ass. Yeah.

Well, big doesn't always imply great. I thought she had a great butt. Yeah. In fact, true. That's the fact checker I want to be. It's be this subjective sexual harassment guy and he said that

Nancy Pelosi had the biggest tits he'd ever seen and I'm like show me bigger but not that Asian lady with the wild ones that I see dick tweeting about so she does have a banging ass he called her a baby killer and said she had a banging ass. He was clearly trolling. I didn't hear him say any of that.

Oh, he means baby killer. That's the part that I can assure you that he means. I heard him say big booty Latina. Yeah. Yeah. He called her a baby killer on Twitter. What he said was she wants to kill babies, but she's still beautiful. What I'm talking about is what he yelled at her from 12 feet away in the video. Watch the video again. He called her a baby killer on Twitter. What he said was she wants to kill babies, but she's still beautiful.

What I'm talking about is what he yelled at her from 12 feet away in the video. Watch the video again. Oh. It's at seven seconds, five seconds. Oh, I skipped that part. He just got straight to the butt. Yeah. So he yells about baby killer and then. He says, hey, it's AOC, my favorite Latina.

She wants to kill babies. Oh, that's great yeah i didn't notice the baby part that's pretty funny the funniest part to me though was when she went up there and immediately started making the video and the dude's fucking limp wristed wave after she was framing it like and this dangerous borderline terrorist and then the pan down to this retard. Like, that guy's not doing anything. Well, making jokes. To hear him say the baby

killing thing, his voice is so goofy, you can't take him seriously. He's just silly. Oh, the haircut, too. Can you tell what AOC's saying? I can't make out her words. No. She said taco taco burrito, I think.

She had a mask on. So he says something about her booty. She hears it. She comes over and replies, but I don't know what she says. And then he just keeps complimenting her. No, I didn't hear what she said either. That's pretty wild. I'm glad I got to see it. She is really attractive

in that dress. That's pretty wild, though. I'm glad I got to see it. She is really attractive in that dress. That's great, though. I don't think politicians... Being a politician should be a worse job. What could we do to make it worse for them? They should have to wear, like... You know, didn't you just argue with me that it wasn't okay to harass them at restaurants?

No, fuck that. Harass them and wake their ass up. Fix this shit. Get out of here, you son of a bitch. There used to be guys challenging. Other congressmen used to challenge other congressmen for duels on those steps where he's going, big booty Latina. She's like, oh, this is the most. This is absolutely outrageous.

I can't believe I'd be called a big booty. It's big booty Latinx, sir. Thank you very much. It's totally outrageous. Where did the X on Latina come from? I don't understand it. It's like a forced woke lefty thing. Actual Hispanic people don't use that.

I have heard that. That Latino and Latina people don't like the X. I don't know how it ever got started and what it was supposed to mean. Was it done to make it gender neutral? It was a way to try and impose a gender neutral ideology onto a gendered language. Well, in Spanish, everything everything the default is male so the default gender of everything is o or the what is male but like it doesn't mean men like they don't oh so latino doesn't necessarily mean male yeah you wouldn't say latino and latinas you just say latinos

yeah um but that wasn't enough for white people who didn't know that. They're like, well, I mean, these Mexicans can't be – these Mexican men can't be getting off on everybody saying Latinos. So let's put it – let's X out their O's and make it for everybody. But it's like it's unpronounceable in Spanish. All right. So Zach posted it in a way that it makes sense to me. Latinx is an alternative to the gender binary inherent to formulations such as Latina, Latino, and Latin. That part confused me. But yeah, all right, so Latinx is just a gender-neutral Latino. But it's not like a part of the language.

It was something like, it wasn't an organic creation of the language. It was a top down thing. That's how I see it. I imagine white down, white down thing, white woman down. Yeah, I imagine white people. Maybe this is my bias coming through in a good hearted way, trying to make it gender neutral. And the people on the receiving side are like, fuck that. No, we don't.

Our language is not gender neutral. We have a gendered language. We're happy. Yeah, that's how I think it went but who knows yeah yeah i mean i it's pretty ridiculous to try and like i'm not buying the george peterson you're trying to control me insanity and you're like i'm not buying they probably thought they were doing a good ah he's like i refuse to call you by your preferred pronoun because you're controlling me and you're trying to own me or some other bullshit like that. I hate that shit. Like we've been calling we've been using straight, like conservative pronouns of like Mrs.

For so long, like you can't call you guys don't understand the concept. Like if you walk up and call somebody, oh, it's Miss Taylor. Like, how dare you? That's Mrs. Taylor. Like, yeah, OK okay because it'll be so upsetting to you if we don't recognize your legal identity of uh i my my approach is and the list has heard before what do you want to be called i'll call you that i don't give a fuck you know

do you want to be ms do you want to be mrs you know you like a nickname you can choose your name and i'll use that i don't what i don't get is like the pronoun thing in person because it's like like if dick wanted to be she her why would that in any way impact our conversation because if i'm talking to someone i'm going to call them their name i won't use a pronoun like that that's always felt weird to me it's like my pronouns are he him it's like what what when would I talk to you and call you that? You know what I mean? Like because I would call you Steve or whatever your preferred name is.

Typically. Have I not referred to like Kyle or Taylor as he at all tonight? You may have. Yeah. I don't know. I guess if you were having like a three-way conversation. I was thinking more of a one-on-one thing. So yeah, I guess if you're having a group-way conversation. I was thinking more of a one-on-one thing. So yeah, I guess if you're having a group thing,

then that would matter, yeah. It's like extra intended to be offended on someone else's behalf if you're not kowtowing to their pronouns. Because you'd never call someone their pronouns to their face. Yeah, I mean, I agree with Woody on this totally. If your pronoun is he or she, I'm pretty good at it. If your pronoun is they, I'm not very good at it.

I foul it up sometimes. If it's zer or something, then I'm always going to fuck that up. Well, they is like because you'll stop yourself because you know how you speak about an individual person. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like if you were to refer to someone third person, you'd go he or she. And so like a switch to they is a little good. I think of they is, I don't know, more plural.

Why don't we just use it? It? Just get rid of everything and it's just it for everyone? Yeah. Yeah. It doesn't care. Yeah. That's funny too.

Yeah, a good win. Or like this idiot. That's a good pro. Like, oh no, what's your pronouns? Like, well, I'm using this idiot. Like, so I ran into this idiot at That's a good pro. Like, Oh no, what's your pronouns? Like, well, I'm using this idiot. Like, so I ran into this idiot, uh,

at the store today. Yeah. We're doing idiot things as they're want to do. No, my pronouns are fee, fi, foe, fum.

You have to call me by those four pronouns. They is singular also. And you use it all the time, but you don't realize it i guess it's probably only when you're thinking about it that you that it's yeah i really sure like you know taylor left his umbrella behind someone should tell them about it or something i don't know because in that i would definitely say him yeah someone should tell him about it someone should tell her have the right to choose their own

whatever car. Yeah, but that's plural. But there is not. And, ah, fuck. I'd have to Google examples. But I read it and I was like, yeah, they're right. I do do this all the time. They? Like, oh yeah, they're going to bring it.

Like, do we have enough ice? Yeah, they're going to pick some up. Like, oh, Woody's coming. Do we have enough size? Oh, gonna pick some up like oh what he's coming uh do we have enough size oh they're gonna they're gonna grab it yeah this is largely an online thing i've noticed the vast majority of people i know in real life are happy to just call someone whatever they care to be called they don't really give a shit it's never come up in real life oh what do you i was gonna um well both of you actually. Switch was sending me pictures from the set of Snowpiercer.

He's working on that show. Oh, that's awesome. He's in the fucking train. He's taking pictures of the train, and he got to meet Jennifer Connelly. I'm so jealous. That's awesome. Switch is such a cool guy. He got to meet Jennifer Connelly, and he's gay. What a waste. What's the point?

What's the point? He stole that meeting opportunity from you i mean somehow it's probably true uh no that's really cool i like that show i'm looking forward to the the final season because you convinced me not to watch the the most recent one because you said it was like subpar yeah but this is the fun is the fourth is the final one and it's like like they're getting off the train now that train now. If I'm at the end of two, which I haven't watched three, is it even worth watching?

You could almost skip three and go straight to four. Okay. That's not a glowing review. You know, they ran out of shit to do on a train. You can't leave the train. All it can ever be is one group taking over and the other group plotting against the other group. And it's always going to be Mr. Wilford's people

against the black guy's people. So then I'll say the death. Yeah, I guess they are kind of hemmed in. You want to hear a nerdy Star Trek thing? I'm watching the new Star Trek, Star Trek Brave New Worlds. And they've actually made an old school Star Trek show. It reminds me of the original series so much. And it's set in that time period as well,

like before Captain Kirk's Enterprise. It's the same ship, but it's Captain Pike on it. And this last episode, episode 10, it started looking really familiar. There's a little bit of time travel involved. But I started recognizing the episode 10 it started looking really familiar there's a little bit of time travel involved but uh but i started recognizing the episode and after it was over i went back to the original series and it's like a shot for shot remake of an episode um from that series and the idea is because captain pike like lived he changed time and he like played this game out with the romulan ship that he's fighting with and tried to like, hey, couldn't we do something different here?

Could we go for peace? Whereas in the original series episode, Kirk just blew him the fuck up and killed the other Romulan captain. Everything was good. But in this version, the Romulans thought we were weak and started a gigantic war and destroyed the galaxy.

So it was really good. It was cool to see them remake the old episode today. It was like shot for shot remake, but the lines were all the same. It was neat. That sounds cool. Do you want to see my headline? I want to see your headline. Zach's on the ball. Thanks, Zach.

Jupiter CEO. This is Jupiter a hedge fund, not the networking company. Quit a $68 billion firm to sit at the beach and do nothing. Does anyone else think this guy's on the money? I don't know how much money he has. It probably had a $68 billion firm. Let's assume he's worth a hundred million. Why keep working? If you scroll down a little bit, he basically says, I just want to sit at the beach and do nothing. I'm not thinking about anything else. He's done working.

He won. They should just, he should get a dog park named after him or something. How old is he? I don't know. So does it say 51? See this guy, this is the dream.

I always wonder why I don't see this more from like hyper rich people where they're just like, you know what? I could imagine a bunch of hobbies I'd have fun with and I see this more from like hyper rich people where they're just like, you know what? I could imagine a bunch of hobbies I'd have fun with and I've got more money than God. Who gives a fuck? I'm quitting. Like if you even not a ton, a ton, a ton of money, like 30 million, right? Isn't that enough? Can't you do what you want?

This stock market will return 3 million a year. You can't get by on that. What do you want to do? What would be your retirement if you didn't have to work? I think I'd buy a real doll. Yeah. Keep it in your basement. I don't know, Dick.

He would probably spend his days flying around in a lawn chair and going on 6,000-mile motorcycle trips. But who's to say? Very true. Woody, honestly, you're retirement minded. There's a lot of people that retire and they immediately fall into dog shit bodies

and they don't want to do anything and they just watch tv and rot away like you're gonna live to be 100 because you're one of these retired people that's like i just want to keep going like it's like oh you want to keep working for your job he's like no no i just want to keep having fun in weird ways like i don't mean to flex on you guys but i'm really good at not working. It's one of my core competencies. I just lift weights in the gym and pursue dangerous hobbies. Would you stop podcasting about it? If you had $68 billion, whatever that guy had, would you still fire up a microphone and talk about it?

I'd probably still fire up the microphone. This is not much to keep up with. I would still do it. It's fun. I like doing the show. Yeah. It's fun to joke around and make people giggle at retarded nonsense. It's a good feeling, you know?

I might leave it three hours every now and then. No, actually, that would suck because then you'd be gone and Kyle would be in three and a half hour Kyle mode where it is pulling teeth to get him to respond to you. And it's like we're doing a podcast. Please answer my question. Like this is why I don't go to the bathroom on this show. Like I don't want them talking shit about me when i get up oh yeah every time i stay every time like i know exactly what you mean because there are times like i'll like go to take a piss and take my headphones off and immediately i hear like that fucker taylor i'm like i wonder what's being said now

yeah oh it's funny yeah i would totally do it if you were a retired billionaire dick you would still do your show right or no oh yeah i mean i'm sure i gotta get this the only thing that keeps me from acting like that in real life shouting into nothing yeah i do think that like people are are more angry uh men at our age anyway. They're just like kind of, they have this like built up, like seething resentment of the world around them that when they talk to you, they're like,

you never believed this fucking guy that I saw today. And I'm like, yeah, man, I got voicemails like dealing with this. Like it really helps mellow me out when I get on and just get it all out of my system. Although that's probably all,

there's, that's probably all bullshit too. Like my girlfriend's probably rolling her eyes into outer space the other room like he is not it does not mellow him out at all um oh this happened to me like my wife's always like out in our living room watching tv or doing whatever she does while we're doing the show and like she can hear watching chief so dismissive she's out there doing whatever she does while I'm working. Watching TV, eating. I don't know what it is, but that's what she's doing.

Yeah, and I'm in here. Slaving away. I'm working my fingers to the bone. Doing racist accents in here to try and make ends meet. That's what I'm trying to do in here. But like it was funny a few weeks ago. Like i came out after the show and she was still awake and she was like hey you told the story about xyz that happened at our house and it didn't happen exactly that way and i was like hon get out i'm uh i'm i'm in like i was like hon like this may surprise you i'm i'm an

entertainer and I do broadcasting. Every broadcast entertainer you've ever listened to, we punch it up. Because if I talk about going to the store and the line is long and I'm slightly delayed in my arrival home, people will hate it. You got to make it funny, put jokes in and everything. She was like, I guess that makes sense. Yeah, that's why all the radio shows are so funny. Because you're punching it funny. Like, put jokes in and everything. And she was like, I guess that makes sense. Yeah, yeah. That's why all the radio shows are so funny. Because you're punching it up.

I get corrected on, like, how something went down. I was like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. It's my story. I tell it the way I want to. Oh, yeah. That's it. Dude, I... People will, like, try...

Have you ever had that where, like, people will tweet at you and, like, try and get you? They'll be like, you said this story happened nine years ago but that that time you said it happened and i'm like uh just release the whole dossier why don't you like i i don't know man i don't know if you put a gun to my head and say one and if someone put a gun to my head and then to the head of all my family members. Hey, they're like, hey, hey, no, it's a whole team. It's a whole team of bad hombres. And and they go, hey, say a joke you said last week. I'm going to execute your whole family.

I'm going to be like, oh, oh, if I do an Asian voice, does that count? They're like, no, it'll have to be the same thing you said. I'd spend the next couple of minutes like making amends with my family because like everything blends together i'm dick you know how it goes you just you don't remember shit from the previous episode do you you just kind of talk i remember shit i said like 10 minutes ago i don't hear that dude yeah that's why topics are hard on this show and we try at the end of it to be like we just talked for four hours what the fuck did we talk about and i'll go what i love is when somebody will say something like my family will say something and he'll go uh you're gonna you're gonna talk about this on your fucking podcast aren't you like yeah that's what i'm writing this down right now

everything that you're saying now as well like oh fuck you see you just got him yeah we've told the story of me being rude to a very slow bad waiter a couple of times and now i'm sensitive to this idea that i'm like not nice to wait staff because in my heart of heart i believe i'm lovely to them but the thing is i was at rei this week buying long underwear and a few other items some jeans for the campsite. They're not jeans. Pants. And the guy was slow. But before he helped me, there was a delivery guy there. And he goes, oh, I see you have a stamp. And you know how to stamp something.

Check, right? That's how a stamp works. Easy peasy. Not this fuck. This fuck takes the man's clipboard, puts it down on a flat surface, takes the stamp, holds it, wiggles, w, takes the stamp, holds it, wiggles, wiggles, wiggles, wiggles, wiggles, next page, holds it, wiggles, wiggles, wiggles, wiggles,

there's four pages of this. It takes them over a minute to stamp these four pages. You've seen the Indian guy. Is he like a notary? It was a delivery confirmation. They're trying to save money on ink? They've got no ink on there i don't know what he's doing but he's just very slow and deliberate in the sorts of things

that he does and i have to wait for this to end before he checks me out i do so patiently and then it's my turn to get you know rang up and check out etc at rei cool this is long underwear and we're putting it in a plastic bag it takes him like 20 30 seconds to take the magnetic like anti-theft thing off i don't know why it just it should take two seconds but it's taking 20 because he's doing it like it's some sort of performance art where he puts it in there and makes a whole show out of it and then didn't you just say like you want to be a good guy to these people for some reason then you start that story with i like to think i have a heart of gold and then you like every small minutiae of it dude he's taking so fucking long no not saying it and then yeah folding my long underwear folding it right so he clears off the flat space

and then he carefully wraps it folds it folds it in thirds carefully puts it into a fucking plastic grocery bag like it stays folded there's any reason for this and then and then he does the top same sort of deal and i see the jeans coming up and the fucking water purifier tablets or whatever and i'm like dude i'm looking to get out of here can you just put the underwear in a bag i'm looking to get out of here how can this take so long it took a minute. Each pair of pants. Hey, shithead. Hey, shithead. How can this take so long? It took a minute to stamp. But he said, excuse me, wage slave.

Attention, boy. Boy. Did you snap at him? Get over here. Dude, it was. And he did speed up a little with the pants and then afterwards he stopped putting on such a performance of working the cash register but afterwards i was like oh man did i make it true did i make it true that i mean to wade slave it's fine to be rude to them as long as there

aren't witnesses well that's how this works. That's how this works. It's just that... Now look, I fully admit that after our survival trip when I was real hungry and went to that Longhorn Steakhouse, I was very rude to that dumb cunt who was serving us sweet tea. Okay? She needs a new fucking line of works, what I think.

You can't get me my drink in a time... Look, anyway, it's neither here nor there i was rude this guy was like flash from zootopia working at the dmv he was so goddamn slow you know the name i get that reference of the slot from zootopia why i'm a genius kids no you have kids or you're a furry i'll tell the way i want to i i'm rude to those people sometimes look sometimes people need someone to be rude to If you have kids or you're a furry. I'll tell it the way I want to. I'm rude to those people sometimes. Sometimes people need someone to be rude to them.

When I was rude to that dumb cunt at the dentist the other day, and actually, I take it back. I was not rude to her. All I said was like, just so you know, this isn't a dentist's office. You people clean teeth. There's no one back there, I didn't curse, that knows how to perform a root canal, even though I paid $250 just to make an appointment for emergency dentistry you lured me back there and charged me another 250 for x-rays that i thought were gonna so that you

could perform the fucking uh root canal root canal and then you go wow you need a root canal turns out and i'm like i booked the appointment and checked bart root canal like i wrote root canal on the thing i know that they're like well we should probably book someone that could do one i'm like you motherfuckers have you have you scheduled a root canal yet by the way that's tinned dentistry in buckhead atlanta t-e-N-D. Oh, no. T-E-N-D. They robbed me of my monies. They did exactly what I just described. They clean teeth there.

They cannot perform. I need an endodontist, apparently, and that's a rare fucking craft, it turns out, that no one there can do. No, I have not booked another doctor because I am looking for an endodontist in my area because I'm not going to drive as far again to a fancy one like I did. It's in Buckhead. It's in a nice little place. I just need somebody... I do not live in Buckhead. I do not. There are castles in Buckhead.

It's kind of a downtown area. You should live in a castle. Well, it looks like they cost about $12 million. I still would like it for you. i'll get right on it yeah buy a bite or just thinking big stop thinking so small you know maybe if i for okay that's a wake-up call for you in 18 months there's gonna be like stonework behind him like what do like you inspired me i got a castle i know i built the castle in the backyard somebody was telling me that bam margera you know he i don't know if he bought it or built it he lived in a castle there for a long time and it apparently was a huge loss of money like it turned out that like buying or building a castle is not a good

idea for whatever reason bad investment yeah bad investment, bad investment. Yeah, it turned out. Not me. I buy NFTs at castles. Oh, now that's better. Because of the blockchain. Because of the blockchain. Yeah, well, it's... I mean, your castles are so fungible. Mine's non-fungible. That's not a castle.

That's a rock house. That's bricks. There's brick in the front center. Is it even brick it looks okay it is brick i see it you call that a parapet on the left no fucking way no i did not know that's a nook look how tiny that window is i can't throw down my long hair from it castles don't have slanted roofs they go straight up all right you need to have archers in there. I almost bought a house that had a parapet. Really?

Yeah, like that last house that I bought that Kitty and I lived in that you visited. But before that, I had selected a house in Hartwell, actually, off the beaten path, and it was really big. And I was surprised by the price. And then when we got the home inspection, all the plumbing needed to be changed. Like $35,000 plumbing job on top of everything else. And I was like, oh God, how much is left to do? No, we can't do this.

This is going to be a money pit. It's going to be a fucking Tom Hanks comedy movie. But it was wild because this guy clearly had some kind of a medieval times fetish because he had a parapet built on one side of the house, like the little twirly thing, like the tower. And his bathroom had a throne, a wooden throne built over the toilet. So you were literally sitting on what would have done for a throne in a movie or something taking a shit. And the first thing I said was, that filthy thing's got to go.

It looked disgusting. The house I bought, no, the house I looked at before I bought this one, I still wonder how I would have liked it. You mentioned that it had damage. This thing had $100,000 worth of damage to it. That's enough to

build a house, almost. What happened is it had an indoor pool which to me is dope i remember this house it was i would really like an indoor pool and like i guess a lot of people would like one but i would really enjoy an indoor pool like it would fit me i'd use that thing all the time and i had two garages one could be a woodworking shop the other could have cars it would have been really neat for me but um i think what happened was the indoor pool leaked and therefore it turned the crawl space into an indoor pool of sorts with like whatever 40 000 gallons of water and then right so then i guess like all the insulation was ruined all the plumbing was ruined the sub

floor was ruined sheet mold i hired a home inspector and before he like even finished he's like i'll tell you what i thought he was gonna charge me a lot like 1200 for the home inspection he's like how about instead of me writing up this home inspection you pay me 600 and you just don't buy this home he's like i won't i won't detail all the things wrong with it but like the the insulation was pouring down like spanish moss like it was ruined and it was long strings hanging from the from the bottom and he's like all the plumbing is ruined that beautiful turkish tile that they had imported for the bathroom floor. Kiss that goodbye. This floor has to come out and fix it. Yeah, the plywood's all rotten.

The subfloor. Yeah. Apparently, the house was just wrecked in so many ways. And the roof had been repaired all the time. And here's the thing I didn't like. The owner of the house was the builder. He was the builder of the house. And whenever that situation happens, I'm the fool in this.

We have one subject matter expert on construction and then my dumb ass. I don't want to buy a car from a car salesman. Maybe that's not a good example. But from an expert on this. Because I don't know what I'm doing like he does. I don't want to buy a house from a builder. I'm at a huge disadvantage. I want us both to be idiots and then we try to negotiate together and compete on a level playing field yeah you

almost need uh uh you know the inspector there with you to help you out and be like no actually you did build that wrong it's supposed to be fucking cedar and this is clearly pine yeah that guy there there's someone in my family bought their house from a real estate agent and it's like you know you didn't get a good deal that person knows what market value truly is for this house and got more than that for it and he or she didn't admit it at first but you know 20 years later they're like oh yeah we paid too much for this house that's what happens when that's what happens when you buy your house from, like the real estate agent was the previous owner.

So they were selling their own house way above market. I watched a wild ass video. I don't know if I talked about it on PKN, where the two black ladies got in a fight at an auto parts store, the cashier and an employee. I wish we could show the video. It's actually probably too violent to even show. The cashier and employee employee I wish we could show the video it's actually probably too violent to even show the cashier and employee so two employees

fought part if I said that I didn't mean to the cashier gets drugged from behind the counter at like a like an oil auto parts store by a a customer like drags her out and is beating the shit out of these are both women right yeah both black women

and she's beating the and she's talking a lot of shit while she beats her up. She's got her by her hair. And after a solid 45 seconds of blows to the head, she lets her up to talk a little shit. Like, yeah, how'd you like that? Well, the cashier goes back behind the counter and gets a pistol and shoots her in the stomach. So she falls to the ground of course because

she's just been shot and i thought and the guy filming is like oh shit they hold it down at jnj's auto parts and i can't it's a little obscured you can't see what the guy who's filming is riffing yeah yes i have seen this video and then you see what's going on. Not only has she shot the woman, and now she's like lording over her, kicking her in the head like, yeah, bitch, you thought you were tough, didn't you? Kick her in the head again, like a whole beat down. It was wild. So applying your own legal analysis. What I understand is it's okay to shoot if you're afraid of death, sexual assault, or serious bodily injury. Now, the thing is, obviously serious bodily injury was a threat.

The woman was down getting ground and pound. But also the person who got shot kind of disengaged. Would you like me to be her lawyer? So I would argue that, yes, the immediate danger had ended but due to the blows to miss williams head she was so confused in that moment that she was in no uh right mind to determine that and so she was in fear for her life and she was wounded and in that blurry bleary eyed state concussed mind you she fought for her life the best she could. Innocent. The problem is at the end of the video where she's standing over like, yeah,

bitch, eat some fucking leather and like in that stage of brain damage, all she could do was a little jig over the body. Your honor, she was in such a state of Charlie's Angels She made her drink a quart of brake fluid.

Yeah, she beat that shit. And when she shot, I was like, you're not allowed to shoot at that point. But I was also thinking she needed a good shooting. That bitch. I was so mad watching her beat the other lady up. I don't like when people beat up fucking cashiers. The wage

slave thing was hyperbole. That's a really awful thing to say. These are the people like make the country run you know what i mean so when i see them getting treated badly well they're not fucking heroes i don't like i don't like throwing that fucking word around left and right i think i think they're heroes all right well superheroes superheroes they're superheroes Kyle that's so bigoted of you yeah so I don't like that

when they're just literally beating them I don't know if it was Atlanta but it was on my news when I clicked it on the other day there was a lady at Subway who worked an employee she put too much mayo on the sandwich dude came back and shot her in the head through the front glass and killed her over the mayonnaise it's a lot of mayo did he say

how much mayonnaise was there i literally thought the exact thing did he say like let's be real here if she had done that shit were you like oh you want OK. And she'd like smothered it at like a like ruined the sandwich with mayo. Oh, right. Got to do what you got to do. What are you right? Much like the beating woman at J&J Auto. She needed a shooting. Well, well, let's not compare this dire situation to that frivolity.

You know, the you know, I don't like a man sandwich is a sacred thing. Am I right, Taylor? It's sacred. And I do not not i also don't care for mayonnaise i'm i'm i'm overweight enough that that should be surprising to you but i do not care for mayonnaise you don't eat mayonnaise i don't eat white condiments i'm progressive i like i like mayonnaise condiments i like mayonnaise enough that like some if i'm making the sandwich and there's some leftover on the knife or the spoon, I'm licking it off.

Any spills on the plate, I'm getting it. I love mayonnaise. What's wild is all the ingredients of mayonnaise, I love. The eggs, the fat, the oil. It's just when it all amalgamates into the mayo, I just don't think it adds that much to the sandwich. Have you had Duke's mayonnaise? I have not had Duke's mayonnaise.

Oh, well, then you haven't had mayonnaise. What do you eat on your sandwich? Just water? He just, he moistens it with a little water. I mean, there's a ton of other shit. How the fuck do you eat a sandwich? There's mustard. There's all sorts of things you can put on the sandwich.

How much mustard can a man eat? Well, you don't want to go heavy. If you do mustard, you want to go kind of light mustard because it'll overpower everything else on there. Smooth everything out. Help it go down. I just don't want the mayonnaise. Mustard directly on bread. You got to give it

some kind of a bonding agent with the mayonnaise. How slow are you eating your sandwiches? That it needs a bonding agent with the mayonnaise how slow are you eating your sandwiches that it needs a bonding agent what to age are you retarded just eat it no that's too they don't mix bread and mustard you gotta get a little bit you gotta ease it in there give it like a transition from the mustard to the bread you know nothing about well what's what's what's an alternative to to muster i'm sorry mayo that I could try? Oil and vinegar. I love oil and vinegar.

That sub shit that they squirt on sandwiches. I do like that because I remember when I would go to Subway, I'd be like, a little oil and vinegar? A little more. Oh, just a dash more. I mean, if you want another one of those, you could get Santa Fe sauce like I think Hidden Valley Ranch. That company makes a secret sauce that comes in a squeeze jar.

Isn't that just rant? Or wait, what is Thousand Island? It's a combination of something. I don't know. It's like relish and ketchup and mayonnaise or something maybe. Yeah. And that's weird too because Thousand Island rocks. I don't like it on salads because it's like a weird thing to eat with lettuce but you put it on a nice frisco melt

from steak and shake oh oh it's the you know what i was thinking today a little observation i had i was thinking that black guys with big pit bulls is like rednecks with big fucking trucks like they got no use for them it's just a it's just a fucking like status yeah yeah like it's exact same shit exactly i'll tell you what i looked outside the status symbol yeah absolutely yeah i thought they like gave them away we just watched that video the other day of that black guy he was like look at homeboy here his head's as big as mine he literally says that and and it was and i saw a black guy walking a dog in my neighborhood today big dude big dude walking his dog that little dog weighed eight

pounds tops it was like that guy ain't gonna compensate for shit he will fuck you up while that little dog watches yeah i love walking my little dogs around. Little dogs are going to cheer that dude on while he slaps the shit out of you. Wait, what's your dog voice? Fuck him up, Dan. Well, my little dog voice is, Hey, you got fucked up, motherfucker. You better get your shit pushed in by the boss. Foul mouth chihuahua.

Yeah. I love little dogs. Yeah, he watches a lot of TV. They're so fun. They trick out their pit bulls. How do you trick out pit bulls? Do you tape knives to it? Yeah.

I picture putting one of those fucking bubble things behind the dog's anus so that when he farts... Yeah. I would have a pit bull and I would tape it full of knives my dog yeah you get that dog out put some ground effects on his ass we know you like playstation so we put a ps4 in your dog's ass he's dead dead.

We got a two inch plasma in your dog's ass. It could bark that horn. Remember when we found that PT Cruiser that had been on Pimp My Ride and it was for sale for like $3,000. It looked awful. It had fallen apart. It turns out they only use stolen parts on Pimp My Ride.

So I was arrested and I'm selling my pimp mobile. And that's what it was. It'd be like, yo, we know that you got two kids and they like to watch Ice Age in the back. So we made a skate park in the back of your... And get this, we got heavy ass ball bearings rolling around all over the back of your car because it's fun. Provided courtesy

by gorilla bearings. That's what it was. Oh, look at that fucker. Oh, wow. Oh, God. You would have been the coolest kid getting picked up in that thing in 2001. I don't know about that. And your trapper keeper.

Take that all the way back to the 80s. All right, well, let's go back a little further. All right, let's make it 1997 then. Then you are the coolest kid. That's true. I mean, 1997, I was six years old. I would have hopped in there confidently. Yeah, I bet that's got the electric doors that open on their own.

That would have been a new thing back then just thinking about the electric door i don't know if i said this on the show we've done so many when i was like uh it was me and my both of my younger brothers in the back of a van and my mom was driving and this was like i i was probably like 13 14 and so my brothers were like 12 and 6 or 7 and we were driving and we were both in the back seat there must have been something in the front so we couldn't sit in the shotgun and we sat down or we we stopped at a at a stoplight and i think i think it was me i farted and it was absolutely rancid and but it wasn't rancid enough and mind you it's snowing outside it's it's very it's very snowy outside and my mom in our honda odyssey

she goes oh oh taylor and and then she opens both doors with the button we're in the line of traffic and i can still remember sitting in that captain's seat like mom I'm like shivering and the girl in the van next to me is looking over pointing and laughing at us because we're all sitting in a van where there's now flurries of snow through that chasm that is the van with both doors open and I remember just like her starting to pull away and when you're driving the doors don't close. And so we were just driving for the next like half mile. Like, Mom, close the door.

The girl's laughing at us. And she's like, I can't close it, Taylor. I can't close it. It's stuck. We're driving. We can't close it. And so we drove like multiple miles. As I'm sitting there with my brothers brothers like snow is flying into the car.

And it was really embarrassing. I've never seen that girl since in that car. But her point and laugh to 12-year-old me in that car, that hits the core. How old was she? Probably about my age. Probably 12 or something. Oh, that's even worse. A peer.

A colleague of mine observed this and put it out on the Slack channel. We heard your mom's van doesn't even have doors. Dude, she was driving me in that van to a football game once in just a slight, like maybe 20 minutes away from where we lived at the time. And we got in and the coach had like, had it with late players to games. And so he had like told this was eighth grade. He told the whole team, he was like,

anyone who shows up late will not play. I'm over it. I'm over it. Show up when the game starts. Cause people, it was eighth grade. Nobody, the parents didn't give a shit.

And I remember like, I, it was, they shouldn't, no one should give a shit. No didn't give a shit. And I remember like, As they shouldn't. No one should give a shit. No one should give a shit. We did not have a big team. And so I played place kicker, extra point kicker,

occasional cornerback, sometimes wide receiver, O-line, and linebacker. I played a lot of things because we didn't have very many people. And as we're driving, my mom, like we were were late and so she was trying to like run a red and we get sideswiped by a car and it like demolishes this person's mustang and just kind of like fucks up the back of our honda odyssey and i remember like sitting there being like coach is gonna be so mad. And then I got there to the game after all this was settled and everything.

And we drive there and we get there. And he's like, Taylor, where have you been? And I'm like, I'm sorry, coach. I was in a car accident on the way here. And he looked at me and he goes, Jesus Christ. Of course. And he was like, like well you can still play yeah like like you were probably shouldn't but are you okay like because i was i was sitting on the side that got hit by the car and i remember like i was just kind of sitting there like dreading it and they just boom just slammed real hard but yeah he he immediately let me take the field as soon as I told him I was in a car accident.

Yeah, of course. Sorry, sir. Seven minutes ago, my mom's minivan was struck by a Mustang. I'm still a little rattled, so if I'm bad at football... Mom ran every red light here until that Mustang hit us. I'm so sorry, coach. She's a dumb bitch. What did you say? I don't know if you guys played football at all. I hated football.

Hated it. It was the most boring sport. I would rank it more boring as a player. No, baseball is more boring than anything. Okay, fine. Baseball wins the boring. It depends what position you play, right? Soccer is ahead of football as far as not boring as a kid

because at least with soccer, you're always active like you're always moving football was horrible because the only sport i played a ton at that point was hockey and it's constant movement and so like i would feel like as soon as like i'm feeling amped about the play we're in it's over and then then you go back and then i was always the quarterback goes what are we gonna do do? And he goes, well, I'm 13, so I'm going to hand it off to the fastest kid again. That's the way it always went. And all of my routes were like, hey, Taylor, run this diagonal route so that we'll trick them into thinking we're going to pass to you. And it's like the quarterback isn't even covering me anymore

because he knows that you can't throw it. But yeah yeah eighth grade football very fun i can't believe you guys didn't get forced to play i i think i did i don't know how old i was when i played i don't know and you never played dick never played football no i was forced to play uh tennis and baseball oh i also played tennis and baseball tennis is a bunch of fun tennis is really underrated it's not fun tennis gives tennis gives your parents a direct line to yell at you in a way that other sports have like a coach in the way or multiple coaches tennis is like a one-on-one you getting yelled at so

it's really uh the excitement is uh lessened by that component. Baseball is great. It doesn't have to be a one-on-one yell. Like I remember playing hockey, like my dad was very comfortable yelling at me in front of everyone. Like I let in a goal that I probably shouldn't have. And I would like be looking forward in my mask, like dreading looking up to the stands and seeing my dad. Cause he'd be like fucking furious at me yeah i would be like i i was so stressed out about hockey games every single time just

like fuck like i hope i don't fuck up and like i don't want to be mad at me that's if i had a time machine i would just go back to one of those men any tennis game go like, what the fuck is your problem? What do you care about this? Yeah, it's a fucking nightmare. And he yelled at you? Wait, was your dad good at tennis? Yeah, yeah, he's good. He's like a super athlete.

He's great at everything and loves it. So he actually had a leg to stand on when he was critiquing you. No, that doesn't make, that's the make – what kind of things would he yell? I think he was like Tiger Woods dead. I don't – or King Richard, the Serena Williams. Like for some reason a bunch of guys his age – I'm not Serena Williams. No, I know.

Believe me, I've heard this many times. At many different levels, many different decibels. I don't know why, but a bunch of guys his age got like Agassi's dad, Serena Williams' sister's dad, Tiger Woods' dad. They all got this idea that the most important thing for their kids was to have them be like the best athlete, like superstar in the world. I don't know why this was this was dad's this was like a dad manufacturing plant decided to make this chip of dad and put it in this model of how to be a pain in the ass uh but that's he got that upgrade just like all these other guys and uh i was just not really that good like i'm okay but i also don't hate sports because i hate

other people and like did you not have the makings of a varsity athlete no i played varsity uh i just don't really like it like i like uh fucking around i like the slap dick was working he only went to championships like he didn't just attend every game like oh you lucked out woody i would trade anything if you want your dad to come to the game you better make fucking states you actually he didn't go to states but he did go to like local championships they weren't so big he went to the convenient championships okay he was oh yeah dick is right you lucked out like when my dad wasn't coming to a game i was like

okay i can calm down a little bit really i can't relate to any of this my dad was at every game because he was oftentimes the coach and like and and he and he didn't yell at me you know it was it was like like never it i mean only if i wasn't paying attention if i was in the outfield or something like not paying attention it's like hey wake up out there you get one of those but that's not mean that's what do you yell at you if you made a mistake on the field you never did if i but but i don't remember making a lot of like mental errors that's something that i wouldn't do like like when i failed it was physical you know i wasn't fast enough or i um but you know with pitching, there's just this wall you hit where you just don't have it anymore accuracy-wise. And it's like, at this point, this is on you.

Either take me out or reap what you get. I'm doing everything I can possibly do to throw it. Yeah, yeah. So, no, I don't remember him ever yelling at me other than to pay attention. Yeah, or pay attention if I was on the bench too. You're not supposed to be horsing around when you're sitting on the bench. You're supposed to be paying

attention to the game. We're here for this. If you want to lollygag and blow bubblegum bubbles on each other back there like a bunch of pussies, we're not going to do that here today. That was clear. We're here to play baseball. If I let a goal in that

sounds familiar bench fuck you like if i let a goal in that i knew i shouldn't let it look in it gave me so much fucking anxiety because because i knew he would be very displeased with that well i wouldn't want to disappoint him but um uh he would never like you know oh you fucked that one up like nothing close to that ever um and to be honest maybe that's why i don't remember like like making mistakes like that is because he never was mean about that because i honestly don't have any memories of like big mistakes in baseball i'm sure i made some i remember hitting some kids but that's just funny when you're a pitcher there are frames in my head i can see still if i close my eyes of me missing a puck with my left glove in a championship game and it like i was so devastated like i was so

anxious like oh my god like i wish i saved that i don't want anybody mad at me. No, I can't. I've had more experiences like that, like those crushing mistakes that you were embarrassed about in video games than I have sports. That goal, Taylor, I wouldn't have blamed on the goalie. I'll blame the goalie if a really slow one gets in. If a knuckleball, whatever, dribbles in and the goalie... One thing that can happen in hockey if people don't play

is it's rolling at them and they don't take it seriously enough. They try to stop it with just their stick or maybe they don't get into proper position to really handle a last-minute deflection or something like that. That I'll blame the goalie for. A freaking wrister that goes in by your glove side, proper position to really handle a last minute deflection or something like that. That'll blame the goalie for a fricking like wrister that goes in by your glove side, dude, you shouldn't have got that shot off.

Like there's a team in baseball, like, like, you know, you can, you can get down in front of a square up and you can like get that thing or you can kind of like jaunt over and like do this slick thing where you just kind of reach down and grab it and stay in and go through the motion smoothly.

And one of them looks cool. And the other one works a hundred percent of the time. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So unless the goalie is being lazy. The goalie thing,

like, like if you haven't played goalie in ice hockey, you may not realize like the puck is vulcanized rubber it's unbelievably hard and so when people hold it they don't think like this is this is also bouncy like and it's less bouncy once they freeze it but it's still rubber it's still bouncy and so the like most terrifying shot as a goalie was when they would get it on net on like a bullshit dump in and it would be on net but it would be landing in like you know those balls those bouncy balls that have like four different or six different like or like sticks on the every

side almost like a jack almost like you could throw yeah you'd throw it in and it'll bounce anywhere yeah you don't know where it's going to bounce and so like i remember explicitly right now i'm remembering a goal i let in from almost like the blue line where they flipped it in and i like thought i had myself in the right position and it landed right in front of my stick and went like and like went right over me and i remember like wanting to kill myself in that moment being like this is so humiliating because no one who just watched this realizes what happened like how i was trying to track the puck and I fucking missed it. Oh,

that's so embarrassing. It is being a goalie fucking sucks. You can't leave. You can't leave. You're in there the whole game. Do you know how many games I stood there while opposing fan bases through fries at me? And chicken nuggets at me and shit.

And like the refs have to come over and I would have to take my stick and push all the fries and chicken nuggets into the net so that it wasn't in the middle of the play. And like, you're just, and then like, Taylor, you should have made a defensive wall out of fries and chicken nuggets so that they can't rip the mask off.

You started feasting. You're giving me power oh no taylor's supersizing he's supersizing and i'm just busting out of my pants just filling the whole mat that's my where can i go to throw chicken nuggets at a kid playing hockey that's great literally any high school game. There was so much. So the way hockey works in high school is it's, as far as injuries go, it's the most dangerous sport. It's much less popular than football, and so it doesn't get the same hate.

But schools do not ensure their hockey programs. All hockey programs are like a third-party thing because they don't want to deal with it. And so you would you would do that. And then that's how we go. There's not much else to explain. That's how they would do it is they they didn't want to deal with people getting hurt. And so they just threw people on there.

But yeah, all the hockey games I would go to like one of my very close friends now. He's a year younger than me in high school. And in high school, I did not know him at all. His name is Mike. Did not know him at all his name is mike did not know him the the way i met him is that he came to every single hockey game even the games that were like at midnight because hockey times are ridiculous and he would be there and he'd sometimes he'd be the only student there and he would get blackout drunk and the first time like i like saw him like i saw him around school in the hallways and he started walking around like there was no one at, and he started walking around.

There was no one at the game. He started walking around the rink towards where I am. And I'm like, what's this fucker doing? Is he going to try and distract me and bang on the glass? He was walking like he was already fucking blackout drunk. And he gets behind me, and he starts banging on the glass. Hockey players, you don't respond to banging on the glass ever but i heard him yelling like and i was like looking around like like just trying to see he's like i love you you you've made you've made so many good saves like like he was and multiple games

i would notice him coming around and he he would just be drunk giving me encouragement, being like, I know religion, but it's not your fault. We're doing good. We're so proud of you. And just doing shit like that. And we became friends later. I'd be like, you're the guy who comes to all the fucking games, and your name's Mike.

And he's like, yeah, yeah. I love getting blackout drunk going to the hockey games. It's so much fun. And he's like, yeah, yeah. I just, I love getting blackout drunk, going to the hockey game. And I'm like, yeah, sometimes like you don't even bring people with you. He's like, yeah, it's a solo occasion sometimes. But yeah, shout out to Mike, one of my close friends. Yeah. I remember one of the younger brother of one of my teammates, it was Dan, the guy who was always drunk and high when he would play, but he was at a skill level. So Dan and I were the best players on the team and we played on a different team

that traveled together also. And so it was just a coincidence we happened to be on this team as well. And so Dan would get just blackout drunk sometimes before he played and he'd still be tremendous. But he gave his younger brother once a whistle to sit in the stands with. And he told his younger brother once a whistle to sit in the stands with and he told his younger brother he goes if they ever have a breakaway blow the whistle

and because like a breakaway means that they would have a player coming towards me the goalie with no one around so it'd be one-on-one a very bad situation for a goalie and so he gave this whistle to his brother and i swear to god he got three breakaways blown down before they went up into the stands and found the kid with the whistle and removed him but literally like we ended up winning the game and it was one million percent because of him blowing the whistle in the stands because you're not allowed to do that no no because a whistle means the end of play and so they would be skating towards me and they would cross the blue line and i'd be skating out and it'd just be me and him

and then there'd be a from over there and then the guy carrying the puck would be like push it away and then the refs would be like please my please alive but by that point like all my defensemen are back and everything's good and he got away with it a couple times before they were like find who has that whistle! It's like bringing an air horn to a basketball game. Yeah, I guess that would be the same because that's what they use there for... Or no, don't they use this

for plays? In high school basketball. Oh, I don't know anything about high school basketball. They used an air horn for something because I remember they were beeping one during the game. It caused a whole problem. We would wear little umpire uniforms. The first baseman would pull his shirt off and run over and go, you're out!

And then he would get off and tag him. We're like, ah, joke's on you. I'm just the first baseman. I'm just an umpire with a glove standing here with a ball in it. On his back. He would have it on his back. Oh, okay. You're out! with a ball in it on his back he would have it on his back okay yeah baseball was the shittiest sport to have to play as a child because it was literally only

batting it was it was just the waiting game until it was your turn to bat and then it was and that was it because no one's hitting dingers into the outfield in Little League for the most part. They're just not. It's just like a screw-up sport. See how many screw-ups you can not make. And as a kid, you just make a lot. Really seemingly easy catch. Whoops, well, fuck that up.

Here's an easy throw I've done a million times. Whoops, fuck that up. Watching T-ball is one of the most excruciating things. I saw this really cute clip on reddit reddit the other day where the kid like hits the ball and then he starts crying because he ran the wrong way and let the coach just runs over and picks him up and starts running with him to first base and he's kicking his little legs like he's running and then he like sits him down and he's safe because the play was so bungled it didn't matter. It didn't fucking matter.

No one's keeping score. Who gives a fuck? There was a year before T-Ball. After T-Ball and before you start having kids throw at each other, they had the pitching machine or coach pitch. The pitching machine made so much more sense than having someone's dad fucking throw at us. That never made sense to me.

Why? Because he's inconsistent and bad at it? Yeah. Give us all the exact same thing if you're not going to have a kid throw at us. Stupid question, but does the machine do the same thing every time? It's really consistent.

You can make it do other stuff, but that the machine do the same thing every time? It's really consistent. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, you can make it do other stuff, but that'd be wacky. I would do a mannequin one. It'd be all the same thing. Yeah, I think you can turn the thing and make it do funky stuff. A little randomizer, I guess. Would that be good training?

Better than a dad. It's more consistent than someone's dad, probably. It's infinitely more consistent than a human being, yeah. Is that even good to train on if you're like a pro though yeah it's about timing it's not about like hitting accuracy it's about timing or if that well if it's really fast and that's the thing about baseball is like like the guy's fastball might be 93 miles per hour, but he'll throw some off-speed pitch at like 86 or something. And the guy's already set up to hit that fastball, and then his timing's all wrong. And he's like this machine that's trying to stop mid-motion and reload,

and it just doesn't work. That's probably the most impressive thing about baseball, both hitting the ball and also like like you'll watch like viral videos of someone like throwing a ball as hard as they can it's like 88 and it's like whoa this guy's got an arm and then you see like a baseball highlight and it's like oh fastball 103 and then it's like always throwing his super slow change up wow a measly 82 it's like, my God, that's got to be unbelievably difficult to hit. I feel like catcher is a super easy job. I don't know anything about catcher.

Your knees and the collisions. It's the most dangerous job, in my opinion, because that's the only place on the field where you're actually getting serious collisions and concussions. Because if a guy's running in for third and you're waiting on the throw from the outfield, he will run you over with everything he has, and he's probably going to put an elbow in your face.

I don't know baseball rules. Can he defend the plate? Can he be between the runner and the plate? That's where you are supposed to be. You're going to ground yourself so that when you catch it, you're there to make the tag. He is going to try to hit you and knock you out if he can so that even if you do have that ball if he knocks you out and you drop the ball he's safe major league taylor come on you know this tom beringer i have not seen that no he's gonna fuck you up um that's the most dangerous part of the uh baseball

in my opinion but they like okay so but when you do that the guy has to run through you basically because i know i do know in baseball you're not allowed to run around if you leave the lines you're you're out right you can do a little loopy stuff you can you can do some stuff but but like if you try to make a big loop around him that's not gonna work like like you could try to jump over him you can do a little barrel roll some cart rolls there's been all sorts of acrobatics on the baseball field running around. That seems like the position to be, though. Maybe that's why I became a goalie, because I liked having the most control over the pace of the game.

Isn't it hard on your knees, though? Like in baseball, I know that's one of the concerns. Yeah, it's very hard on your knees. Because you're always in a squatted position as a goalie. Do you think you could do the splits now? Absolutely not. There's a 0% chance i could do the splits now when i was playing like regularly competitively i could do the splits like that way or the other way like pretty pretty easily because that's because like when you get to like a high level of hockey at like 17 all the

other goalies can do that and so you're not special for being able to do it it's like at lower levels where like like when i would play high school hockey and i would do the splits to make a save it people would be like oh that's crazy and then like i would do that in like a competitive game and they'd be like yeah he'd be a retard if he didn't do that like dick i want to know uh who's the next president of the United States? Oh, God. I'll be voting for Trump again. Gosh, I don't know. I don't think Trump wins the primary. I think Kyle called the Trump thing

and I saw some polls because I thought the DeSantis guy was more popular in some areas, but he is butt-fucked by Trump in New Hampshire, Vermont, all these places. They like him more. I'll tell you this. The best thing that will happen is Elon Musk starts a beef with Trump right now

with his dad banging his daughter or whatever the fuck's going on. Stepdaughter. Hey, she's 35. He's 83. No big deal. Groomer. Trump's going gonna make some hay out of that oh yeah or he will that is funny yeah let me think and in fairness stepdaughters are hot

his whiz i mean it's that i mean if my porn habits are any indication this is fine and normal elon musk's dad should be in prison. He groomed a child and then had a baby with her. What a fucking monster. I love that Elon Musk... She's 35. He's known. He's raped her since she was four. That is the most grooming

of grooming you can possibly do. I need to see her picture before I go to the side. Taylor, is she not able to make decisions as an adult now? Oh, look, Taylor. She's down. What if you brainwashed Taylor? Is she not able to make decisions as an adult now? Oh, look, Taylor. She's down. That is a brainwashed woman. That woman is suffering from Stockholm syndrome and has daddy issues.

Look at that guy. He's even giving a sly finger. He knows what he's done. Tell me more about her daddy issues. I love that these guys are like repopulating or like knocking up every woman that they could see. And they're saying that they're doing it to save the planet. That's what I said. Yeah.

He said we're here to reproduce. In fairness, it is hilarious that he got caught grooming his daughter, his stepdaughter. And the response is the purpose of humanity is to reproduce. It's like you're a monster. How about my purpose in humanity is to reproduce it's like you're a monster how about my purpose in humanity is you should be in prison like you piece of shit look look you're just a mean guy tell her and you're jealous of that man's happy life and i'm not a mean guy go fuck yourself you just go smoke your meats and you let elon musk's's father go be bountiful and plentiful on the earth. I'm not hearing that the Musk family is not paying their child support.

Elon Musk has, what, nine kids or something? I haven't heard a single mom call him a deadbeat dad. Nope. That's fair. Good guy, Elon Musk. Good guy, Elon Musk. You know what? If I might identify as a girl just so I

could have a baby. I'd like him more. I would love to have one of Elon Musk's babies. If any of his jokes on Twitter were funny. I would name it Elon. Are you kidding me? Name it a screenshot of something. Elon Musk

Musk. I would want no. there would be no questioning like who's that what's your son's name it's fucking Elon you know why that's Elon Musk's kid everyone would need to know you wonder why I'm wearing a diamond shirt this is my daughter

payday she was not an accident you saw me land over there this is my son little Gauji. I'm wearing a jetpack, dude. Who do you think it is? This guy, Errol Musk, first of all, made up name.

Errol? They're all made up. And then Elon Musk, he seems to be mostly about not buying Twitter. If Elon Musk was actually fucking funny, he would be so much more liked. He's funny sometimes. You've seen his memes, right? He's funny because Trump's not around.

If Trump was still around, he would be the funny... We're like eating scraps, like Elon Musk's billionaire scraps. Like, oh yeah, that meme was funny. That's why Trump's going to be the next president because he's taken this time off. And it's so beautiful because we haven't had Trump and we want some. It's like, hey, when's the last time you had some Trump? Oh, you know what? I haven't had any Trump in a coon's age.

I would love some Trump. And everybody's thinking like, you know what i hate his fucking guts but i could go for trump too you know what and then boom he's back on twitter and he's on all the talk shows and you're making sense kyle because my whole argument is that trump's act is a little worn out we've all heard it before every time i hear trump there's new fucking hits of I actually won the election and build the wall or whatever. Yeah.

This is the one. I'm going to read it. I'm going to read this in Trump voice. It's going to be a Trump-Clarence Thomas team-up. That's what you guys don't get. It's fucking Schwarzenegger and Predator. That team up, that's what it's going to be. You son of a bitch pencil pushing. Hold on, I want to read this thing in Trump voice that Woody just linked because it's very funny. This is Donald Trump with a post talking about Elon Musk and the photo is Donald Trump sitting there smiling broadly and Elon standing there autistically.

sitting there smiling broadly and Elon standing there autistically. When Elon Musk came to the White House asking me for help on all of his many, many subsidized projects, whether it's electric cars that don't drive long enough, driverless cars that crash, or rocket ships to nowhere, without which subsidies, it'd be worthless.

Worthless, I say. And telling me how he was a big, big Trump fan and Republican. I could have said drop to your knees and beg, and he was a big big trump fan and republican i could have said drop to your knees and beg and he would have done it that's and that's that is this man is hilarious that is so rocket ships to nowhere that is so fun rocket ships to nowhere and i tell them and believe me believe me i could have asked him to suck my cock he would have said thank you for the privilege yeah it's interesting i think trump's right right like trump's onto something and i look at the two of them standing there i'm trying to figure out who's the winner right

elon musk could buy donald trump and not notice the money missing from his bank account but trump's the one with the power who's the one who was president he's way cooler than elon musk yeah trump is look Elon Musk is the most wealthy person to have ever existed on this planet Trump's funny yeah way funnier than Elon I think it's high I I made the point during Trump's presidency that during that time he was the most powerful man who had ever lived yes he absolutely was during his tenure Trump Trump for four years Trump was the most powerful man who had ever lived and he was probably more powerful every

day because he just put more money into the military, right? It's not like the military wasn't stronger on his last day than it was on his first day. When he took over, the army had no bullets, he said. Well, he armed them the fuck up, alright? He bought bullets and missiles and tanks and jeeps and trucks of all kind

and the economy roared and our gasoline was cheap. We were all safe and happy. Don't worry because it has been a long time since we've had any Trump. It's been too long. Have you ever gone three years without Chinese food?

You're like, oh yeah, General Tso's chicken. That shit is good. You've gone years without Chinese food? Yeah, I'm not a big... It's hard to find good Chinese food. They use that really stringy chicken that you're chewing on. I had Chinese food in Hartwell like a month ago. They're not

known for their Chinese cuisine. No. No. That's where I came from. Okay? Here in Atlanta, there's delicious Chinese food. It's like all white people. There's Chinese people that make the food. There is a Chinaman right there behind the counter taking your money i know it's authentic that's how you know they don't like money well there was a dude named zed who made the chinese food well yeah it's black chinese food back there. It's awful. As far as Trump is concerned, I get people not liking Trump.

He's an incendiary guy. But to say he's not funny or not entertaining, I think that is beyond the pale. I think he's very obviously the funniest politician in history. What do we got here? We got some audio for this? What are you, a bullshit artist?

Yeah, let's start it over and listen. Look at me. I'm red and I paid black people to be here. Hang on a sec. We got... Another one of our highest priorities under a Republican Congress will be to stop left-wing censorship and to restore free speech in America. And go out, by the way, while I'm here and sign up now

for Truth Social. It's hot as a pistol and you see that. Hot as a pistol. I tell you what. Elon is not going to buy Twitter. Where did you hear that before? From me.

From a fake account. She says fake. A lot of them. He's got himself a mess. You know, he said the other day, I've never voted for a Republican. I said, I didn't know that. He told me he voted for me. So he's another bullshit artist, but he's not going to be behind it.

Dude, come on. That's so funny. Let us have him. Let us have him for four years you can go back to taking over the world and doing eating bugs and stuff just let us travel my argument had been that trump's scene is tired i'm tired of him saying i actually won the election right he's been saying that since the first one when he said he actually got more votes i was tired of him talking about the wall the same bullshit the same greatest lines that you go to his thing and they lock her up chance yeah take her code oh it's not interesting anymore but this is new material trump is coming out with all new material for next election i kind of want to hear it let's see yes yeah he's a funny guy he's an entertaining guy

and if the alternative is like him causing a bunch of problems for people in politics i would prefer that to a bunch of soulless people like kamala and uh marco rubio and ted cruz and buddha judge and all those guys yeah you left out you included my favorite i included your favorite i included the the clear CIA agent in it. Butt judge? Buddy judge? CIA agent? Buddha judge?

I think he's obviously a government agent. They were testing the marketability of a gay candidate last election cycle. He's a robot. They were. That's how market testing goes. They wanted to see how it would work. Who's they? The DNC. Watch it. The DNC. goes like they they wanted to see how it would work who's they they're all watch it the dnc wanted to market test whether a gay man could win yeah of course like that's how they got aoc

that's very obviously what they did like they wanted to see like how palatable a gay uh candidate was to the country as a whole and So they wanted to look and see. The CIA did this? No, I said the DNC. Well, you said he was a CIA operative. He did work for the CIA. Buttigieg did? Yeah. I didn't know that. You're not supposed to.

I thought he was just a mayor of Gary, Indiana or something. Or was he? I've never been to Gary, Indiana or something. Or was he? I've never been to Gary, Indiana. Does it even exist? My favorite part about Trump is that he fucked up the whole country with all of his COVID shit. And now somebody else has to deal with it. And then he gets to come back and say, I can't believe Biden fucked up the whole country. Trump is the reason we got the vaccine as fast as we did.

Trump did fine. Operation Warp Speed. Well, the things that Trump did that were dumb was like, he wish wouldn't. There was that one part where it really made him look stupid because you could see like, there's no joke here. He's just dumb. He was talking about the light and how like ultraviolet light kills the virus. He's like, maybe there's some way to get that light onto people or or who knows maybe even inside of people dude it's like a cartoon you

shine a flashlight in your mouth comes out your ass it was like he wanted to insert like a long that was the same thing he said he wanted to use a disinfectant on your blood to take the covid out of it yeah those were based on real things. He just, you know, is not really great at explaining himself. I don't know if he, he's really good at explaining why someone sucks and why you should laugh at them, but he's not really great on summarizing articles

that he read on Yahoo Science News. Dude, what I like about like the way he speaks is you can tell there is no plan most of the time like there's not a teleprompter there's no one to dictate it to him like like i do think it's funny when you see biden be like and we need to uh make sure that we're taking care of the country repeat this line like trump will say stuff like like you can tell he's thinking of the next thing to say he's like an elon my god elon people and everyone be like yeah he's like el the next thing to say. He's like, and Elon, my god, Elon people. And everyone will be like, yeah. He's like, Elon, the worst.

Am I right? Am I right, folks? He's the worst. He's possibly inarguably actually. I wasn't sure where I was going with that. And he's just buying time. And he's just thinking of things to say. Because he can burn two minutes letting

them applaud and just saying random things. Oh, he's the worst. It's because he he can he can burn two minutes letting them applaud and just just saying random things oh he's the worst it's because he's he's up there he's up there doing a tight five like in the beginning like like testing his you know what exactly like like we've often compared him to a comedian but he is a performer but what he actually is is like an old-timey preacher that's what he actually is he has that that that um that grip on the audience and he has that ability to sort of like float around his uh his his sermon of the day that's what it's like he's like a more like a religious leader than a comedian but he's a performance artist for sure and like his style is weird It's like watching one of those drunken Kung Fu guys.

You're like, what is he's just stammering about nothing. But he's he's got good delivery with his jokes, though. And that's what I can. And he gets his message forward. Even if he like gave you this word salad that didn't at times make sense and was just repetitive well he'll like he'll say his like point in like two seconds and then need to boost it for like another five minutes we'll be like all these illegal immigrants folks all these immigrants they're depressing wages for the middle class it's bad for people very bad very bad news also what do you guys the airplane food am i right

my god my god these peanuts they used to offer peanuts, believe it or not. Then these liberals, they said people are allergic to them. You can't offer them. I say that's ridiculous. And then like it's five more minutes of that. And people are like, oh, and it's like, what is what? That's more funny. I love peanuts. I'd be in the I'd be like i like peanuts too president trump i like honey raw shit and it frustrates the fuck out like when he was like hey he's a water efficient toilet sometimes i have to flush them 15 times yeah really

i mean that's also just hyperbole he's being funny that's better it's i mean that doesn't work on me i don't like it that that was that was my point and other people love this stuff they hear flush the toilet 15 times they go bonkers with it i'm like well now you're just full of shit not anymore but i think you were listening to politicians talk woody like i just listening to any other politician talk? Like Pete Buttigieg. Listening to any other politician talk, like even Trump sometimes, just makes me feel so sick that I think I'm going to die.

Because I'm like, just fucking stop lying, you total piece of shit. Drop dead. One of the coolest things about Trump is that occasionally you were definitely getting 100% honesty from the most powerful man who'd ever lived. He was speaking off the cuff about what he felt right then. And it was wild. You're just telling me this right now.

This is the first time I heard of this. Because no one else does that who is that powerful. No one knew that health care was complicated. My God, did you know? My God, people are telling me. Did you know people are actually, believe me, they're going bankrupt in this country for medical costs. And it's like every once in a while politicians will say stuff like that where like it just reveals how distanced they are from the average person we're like

fucking aos like lindsey whoever it is lindsey graham like and it's just ridiculous these people are trying so hard to to get through life and they can't even have secret gay sex like i can to try and deal with it they can't even get absolutely they can't even have secret gay sex like I can to try and deal with it. They can't have their ass absolutely plundered the way I do every single evening. I have my friends over I have them put their eye patches on and then they go to plundering.

Their eye patches? Yeah, I'm a pirate guy. Oh, okay. You know what they call those? Peggers. Peggers? That's what I am. I'm a straight man from South Carolina. You know, I'm certainly that's the funniest thing on earth is that people in South Carolina are like, I'm voting for this straight conservative again. And he's like literally wiping cum off his lip as he's walking to the podium. That guy is very obviously like there's nothing wrong with that well i mean didn't your representative there get arrested for something

wasn't it something wild who i don't know what is your ex-governor right oh yeah gritin there was a big thing about the ex-governor missouri and then I saw something recently about that he was trying to get back in the mix. I don't know. I don't. I gotta tell you, I don't give a fuck who's the governor of Missouri. I just don't care. Voting sucks. I'm never doing it again.

None of you should. High five. I'm replacing voting with threatening letters to elected officials. They'll sort that whole voting thing right out for you like they did me. No, but it's via Kyle Myers. No, not again. Just like you flying into Albuquerque, I'm going to set up a P.O. box next to your house and have it sent from there.

No, don't do that, please. Just to clarify, that was between my state probation ending and before federal charges had been filed. I asked my lawyer, I was like, can I just go out west and smoke weed in Denver? And he's like, yeah, yeah. So we did.

I had a thought. I lost it, I'm sorry. Isn't that the worst? It is. It was a thing about... It was relevant to the topic. Who knows? Especially when you're doing a podcast and you get two sentences into something and you're like, oh no.

I've forgotten the crux of what I was saying. I'm going to try and play it off. My little brown book has been lost in the move. I've got to find it. You can't even keep track of your book that you use to keep track of things you can't keep track of? No. You use a book to keep track of your to-do list?

No. We try and be delicate about it. The ideas I come up with during the week, things to talk about here, I'll jot them down. Analog. You've got to use your phone, man. That's what I use. I wrote down when I was stoned to shit to talk about on this episode

is how food trucks how the entire industry of food trucks was about trucks being able to drive around and go to different areas and offer food. But the new evolution of food trucks is you have to go to a location

where food trucks will rent a spot and then you can go to those food trucks. Like the whole point of food trucks is to mimic the ice cream truck. Right. Go through streets, sell tacos through the streets. Why would you not do that?

Tell him, Taylor. That's exactly what he thinks. Thank you. This is a high thought. It was a very high thought. But think about this. Here's the idea. I hear the fucking ice cream man

go through my neighborhood all the time, and I'm too slow to catch him, and so I don't get it. But sometimes, it would be nice if a taco man drove through, right? And then you could go out there, and he'd be playing fucking Fiesta music,

and you go, you buy a couple tacos. Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na. Yeah. Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na. And then you could go out there and he'd be playing fucking Fiesta music. And you go, you buy a couple. Yeah. And and you do that and you purchase the tacos at the truck that's moving around the same way an ice cream truck would. Because the whole point of food trucks was to have them driving around offering food in all sorts of places. And it's evolved. So the only truck that actually does that is the fucking ice cream truck. And you can get like pulled pork tacos steaks you can't get anything from a truck that drives through your

neighborhood and i guarantee if they start trying that if a fucking crab boil truck drives through my neighborhood i'm gonna keep the business i like this a lot no i make the wait wait if a crab truck drives through taylor's neighborhood yeah he would slash the tires and turn it into the very thing he hates, a permanently located crab truck in Taylor's neighborhood. That'd be great. Welcome to the neighborhood. Welcome to the neighborhood. This is the crab truck.

What would you not buy out of a truck? Like spaghetti, steak? You can eat some steak off of a... I do steak. I don't want a steak out of a truck. You need two hands on a table. Also pasta. Not pasta.

I need something that's... No, no, no. We can do pasta. I want a hand food. No, it's going to be in like... You know how ice cream cones have that cone? It's going to be in a cone. And you're going to be able to...

It'll have to be some kind of like garlic flavored cone or the Earl clash to it'll be garlic bread there you go imaginary cone is indeed some of the best steak I had was out of was in Japan it was like a Kobe beef skewer it was just fucking a mate I didn't think any I didn't think it could possibly be that good out of a skewer. Oh, we haven't talked about the Prime Minister of Japan getting assassinated with that ridiculous electric double-barreled shot pistol. Was that a real gun that they showed? He made that.

How does it even work? It looks like electrical tape and particle board. It is. It's electrically fired. It's like an electrical impulse is going in and lighting powder off and firing like shot. Shot. And that's how he killed him? Yes.

He shot those, gave him both barrels from behind. And you can see one of the security guards, like bodyguards, threw up what I'm sure maybe was a bulletproof briefcase. And like try to block some bullets. But you just see the prime minister take a nosedive. Just insta-dead shot in the back of the head from, I don't know, pretty far. Oh, God. Look at that thing! There's the battery pack underneath!

That looks amazing. The bodyguard just threw the bulletproof thing like you throw a napkin after a drink you spill. Was there a reason to kill this guy? He was a former politician? I'm going to butcher his name.

It was Shinzo Abo or something. He was the longest serving prime minister in Japanese history. He retired two years ago because he was getting sick or something. But he's heavily involved in international politics still. What's his big cause? What's his big thing? That be because like that's that's

how i would like try and piece together like what the cause of the assassination was is be like what is his big thing that he pushes for that someone could possibly be against yeah i i don't know i didn't really research i mean they got the guy obviously they just took him into custody yeah because he had they found him right away they were were like, oh, we have a suspect. He's 5'5", black hair, brown eyes. Electric gun. Electric gun? That's your Japanese accent?

Oh, yeah. Japanese. He is 5'5", and brown hair and black eyes. What the fuck would it be? I don't know. Is there a way to do a Japanese? Just say he's Japanese. We got him. You're Japanese? I don't know. Is there a way to do it in Japanese? Just say he's Japanese.

We got him. You're Japanese? I don't know. No, that was wild when I saw that video. But the gun is what blew me away. I'm always interested in the gun. It doesn't matter what it is, what kind of shooting. I'm like, what do they use?

Look at these other cannons that people have made. Look at this. It's like a steampunk gun. That guy's got fiveampunk that guy's got five barrels that guy's got nine barrels this photo is right after that guy killed him i assume right yes the one of the left right after he killed the guy um the guy whose hands are on him has a shouldered revolver it looked like to me but he's got a shoulder i mean a um a holstered real deal gun the the suited security guard is putting hands on him in america he just

killed this guy immediately for fear that he had multiple barrels of that electric cannon gun but they just grabbed him and said come with us sir you just killed the prime minister because it's japan yeah come with us we're going to give you a very comfortable cell yeah right this way to your to your some of us you're gonna let your japanese you're gonna live to 120 on the dollar of the taxpayer the yen yen the yen of the tax yes right here so smoking or not i bet i know japanese prison is like we're joking but maybe it is harsh maybe that's like a very dishonorable thing and they treat it seriously i bet a lot of guys are missing fingers because of yakuza i i mean i doubt why would you okay are you oh are you not familiar with that well i know they do that but i just

don't know how much crime is yakuza based that would be like thinking that you know in our prisons we're full of the mob i think yeah i mean i think it's probably. I mean, that's what your friend calls Tucker Carlson's show, The White Power Hour. The White Power Hour. That dude that yelled at AOC. He just went on a podcast, and he refers to Tucker's show as The White Power Hour. That's funny.

That guy does not give a fuck. I have never watched. Actually, I've never watched Tucker? Actually I've never watched Tucker I haven't watched the whole hour I watched Tucker Carlson almost every day really? Sometimes it's play he'd be playing at the gym and so I'd catch like is he funny?

you would get a laugh sometimes because he's provocative like he'll form a really good argument that might fall apart if you really start tinkering at it, but when he delivers it, it sounds like, oh, bombshell! Get on, Liv!

It's always the same. He makes a really shaky premise, and then he builds a big argument on that shaky premise. He's good at it. Yeah, he is really good at it. He must have writers. He is fantastic. Yeah, he's clearly written everything he writes. Is like that same format as like john oliver yeah where it's like you you make

you make an absurd statement you make a face to show that that is the opinion of someone to be maligned and then you allow the the crowd there is a lot of that that they're like try not staying home during covid is like trying to fire a gun without any bullets and then they're like like that that's what you know late night political comedy is you know it'll be like you know we we thought that this wasn't serious because they sent kamala hollis kamala harris to deal with it and she's not a serious person and then he just builds the whole thing on top of that like that's the premise this isn't a serious person therefore everything she does is meant to be disregarded is not

sincere and I don't know that's what he does it's always like some sort of angry I like his haircut I like his weight gain and loss you know like you can watch Tucker really plump up and then he kind of fixed the problem and now he's on his way

back you know I didn't know that about him, but that makes me like him a lot more. When I see someone in the public eye that struggles with their weight, I'm like, you know what? That guy. As long as it's a man. Yeah, yeah. Women, they need to stay thin the whole time. Well, the fat women in the public eye now

are like brave about it and they think it's a good thing. They're like shameless about it. Not even if they're like shameless not even if they're pregnant have you did you see that article that was that it was like a you know uh mother jones like far left rag and it was like uh plus size women are not okay with dating fat men and it was like so unfair how more cut and dry can it be? Have you ever seen a fat man be like, you need to accept me for who I am?

That guy would be laughed out of every room on the planet. No one takes a fat guy seriously who says he deserves pussy. No one does. Yeah, they end up getting those crybaby handjobs. Yeah, they end up paying 500 bucks and then crying about it You guys want to call it a show? Let's wrap it up, I'm hungry Something about crybaby handjob really tickles me Yeah, yeah, yeah

Dick, do you have anything you want people to know about? Patreon.com slash the Dick Show I got the biggest problem too A show I do with Vito At patreon.com slash biggest problem We do that every Fridayiday so we're doing that tomorrow uh if you guys what's the biggest problem in the universe you guys think around the horn real fast um it is more difficult than you'd think to find current pictures of aoc's ass

okay that video i mean you get a really good shot of it i thought yeah yeah yeah but i struggled before the video oh okay well i hope i took care of that for you. I solved your problem in the universe. Yeah, nicely solved the world's biggest problem according to me. Done. Done. Prop universe over. How about you, Kyle? Every time I hear about that huge incel culture they've got going on in Japan,

and I feel really bad for the average Japanese guy, but then my boy Vavity is over there uh in the service and he's just wearing out some yellow pussy he says so i guess it's all good for him you know outstanding he's having a dope ass time over there what sounds like yeah from what it sounds like like the the guys a large percentage of men there are kind of basically incels and so his like white tall good-looking a lot of the japanese guys he means has money and in a uniform kind of guy like i think he does fairly well for himself i had a meetup when i went to japan and i expected that it would be like a bunch of japanese fans stupidly and it was just a bunch of like

white guys showed up for their japanese wives. I'm like, I don't know why I thought it would not be this, but whatever. We had a good time. I don't know why I thought it would be exactly this. I thought it would be Japanese men for some reason. Like, yes, we love your show. I was like, oh, fuck.

I know you guys. We very much enjoy your show. Sure. Alright. Dick, thank you so much for coming on the show. I know you guys. We very much enjoy Dicka Show. All right. Dick, thank you so much for coming on the show. Hey, thanks, guys. Is there anything you want to pimp or plug before you go? No, no.

I'm stoned.