Painkiller Already - PKA 638 W/ Dick Masterson: Mexican Cartel Apology, Taylor Is A Psychic, Mail Monday Returns

Episode Date: March 11, 2023

pka 638 with our guest dick taylor this episode of pka brought to you by lock and load and real dbg.com and also a new product from wonky weeds you'll hear more later or is it a product they returned it's the syrup everyone but anyway dick thank you so much for joining us you guys always have the goofiest new sponsors every time i come on it it's like more Seussian. This week we're sponsored by Flim Flam's Wobblers. I don't know if they're going to get me high or if they're going to make me cum. We'll do both.

We've got kind of a niche with audience members that like to get high. You advertise your bongs and your gummies on here and you will move some fucking product. It's your cum weed cock pump. Smoke this, you'll cum huge and it pumps your cock while you're watching TV. Like, oh, Jesus. You guys finally invented the PKA.

It's called the PKA. You can lift, get your dick sucked and get high and come. Yes. We're all about hedonism in a healthy way. We'll also give you a felony record. It's the full experience. tasteful felony a tasteful felony though yeah so you know like 30 years from now it'll be gone but like it's real sticky right now you guys are looking good taylor i like your glasses you got like has anybody said you have

like millhouse glasses where it looks like your eyes will come off with the glasses if you take them off no these are my uh they just did you know you know how you do backup glasses if you guys wear glasses like you have the ones that look good on your face and then you have like the ones from china that cost 40 i've been on backup glasses for about six months now because my other ones uh they became uncomfortable but i don't have a wife millhouse millhouse is one of the coolest characters in the show. He's widely known for his sex appeal. Everything's coming up Milhouse.

I saw a Milhouse cosplay the other day. Usually when people dress up as the Simpsons, it's kind of like, oh yeah, I see it. It's like, holy shit, dude, you're Milhouse. Fucking awesome. The hair was perfectly blue and the skin was perfectly yellow. Yeah, I'm happy to be, what was it, Atomic Boy? Radioactive Boy? Yeah.

I get to star with... Nuclear Lad. Nuclear Lad? I'm making that up. I don't know. I get to star in that episode that's Kyle's favorite Simpsons ever. What's crazy? The goggles.

They do nothing. My eyes. When you see someone who normally wears glasses and then they take them off, that person doesn't look right. And they have requires glasses expression. I don't know how to describe that, but it's like a hamster coming out of the igloo. When you pull their igloo off, they're like, oh, what the fuck? Dude, I do that. Dude, I do that.

When I wake up in the morning and I don't have glasses on, I have to close my left eye and use my good eye to squint and see the time on my phone. It's not great. And you know what they say, your eyes get better as you age. That's my Vegas face. I pull back the curtain. Oh, God, what is this? Where is all this sun coming from?

Out of the ground? Jesus. If you were to go back and take rec league hockey seriously now, What is this? Where's all this sun coming from? Out of the ground? Jesus! If you were to go back and take rec league hockey seriously now, like men's league hockey, I guess I should say, would you need those goggles that strap on and everything? No, no, I'd wear contacts. Oh, of course. Wait, wait, wait, okay. I'm glad you said that.

So now I have another question for Woody. Woody, in basketball, why do some of those guys wear those fucking goggles? Why don't they wear contacts? I actually don't know. I wonder if Zach does. I thought the goggles were related to getting poked in the eye. I don't think pros wear them, do they? Second question. If you fought John Jones, would you rather go in with goggles or no cup?

What was the very start of it? You got to fight John Jones. Do I want goggles? Goggles are a cup. I just need like a Xanax. Loosen up like a car accident when you're drunk. Just get out.

Prepare for my knockout. I just go in just visibly hammered. Just like barely. Goggles into your eyes, so I guess that's a stupid thing anyway. I just think it because every now and then you see a basketball player rocking the goggles.

Even more interesting to me is that face mask. I guess sometimes they wear it when they've had an injury, and they look like half the Phantom of the Opera from the future. I love that shit. Black Phantom of the Opera. It's terrifying. But they're clear over their nose, and so they don't look cool.

I would be like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Do not reach for the clear one, Doc. Give me that Jason look. Give me that fucking, get the full hockey mask. Make it dirty. Do you know one that looked cool? Like from years ago, it was actually the Stanley Cup that the Blues won over the Bruins. That 6'10 Czechoslovakian monster, the tallest guy who's ever played in the NHL.

He had a slap shot shatter. His name is Zdeno Chara. He had a slap shot, knock a bunch of his teeth out and break his jaw. And he came out the next game for game seven with a little thing around here in his jaw, his teeth wired together. And so you could like see him throughout the game because he's the captain of the team. And so he was like trying to communicate with his teeth like totally wired have you ever known anyone who had their jaw wired yes in high school dude that guy was it should be terrorizing villages in romania like that's that's that guy you could totally see him like a full head higher than the rest of his warriors like walking and being like oh no the fucking Germanic

tribesmen are here. Fuck that's Olaf the terrible. He eats the genitals of his victims. What is the line in Lord of the Rings like they have a troll monster? What is it? They have a cave troll. That's the line they say right after Gandalf

goes Frodo that is why you will be the Lord of the Rings. Like right after that he said there's a cave troll monster you know those classic lord of the rings you ever watch lord of the rings like with a girl and whenever they kill those big elephants it like kind of kills the mood like these like cgi movies where they're like black panther does this too where they shoot the elephants down they'll be like movies where they're like, Black Panther does this too, where they shoot the elephants down. They'll be like, oh, dying. They're like, oh my God, that poor elephant. It's like, it's a computer.

Like, why are you reacting? Why are you reacting like this to this computer elephant getting killed? I didn't feel that way about the Oliphants. If I think, Taylor, am I right? Yes. Or the Mooma Kill. Yeah.

But anytime a dog dies on screen. Oh, my gosh. It's the worst. Well, the dog on screen is different. And it's funny you brought up the elephants in Lord of the Rings because I literally remember watching it with a girl many years ago. And it wasn't the elephants dying that upset her. There is a scene specifically showing the Rohirrim riding around on their horses around the legs of the oliphants trying to kill them and there's a scene where one horse is under like the encroaching foot of the mumakil and the mumakil crushes the head of the horse and i remember the

girl being like oh oh and i'm like that's the thing it's one of those there's one of the shots like the horse is there like galloping galloping, galloping, and out of nowhere that big hoof or whatever it is just... Over-the-top stupid tactic. Watch me hand-to-hand fight a tank. I'm going to go after the tread. What the fuck?

You're going to run? Why would you attack the bottom of an Oliphant's foot? What was he thinking? He should have gotten away. He never stepped on a Legogo woody come on that that oliphant is gonna be freaked out with all these sharp shit around that is true now that now i know elephants like like it's they have very sensitive like pads under their in their in their feet so it's kind of awful but trainers they have these hooks they use it's like a long pole with a hook on the end and they like hook their

feet and hurt them to like train them like if it needs to learn to like put its leg up's like a long pole with a hook on the end and they like hook their feet and hurt them to like train them like if it needs to learn to like put its leg up on like a barrel like you see that in circuses sometimes or to like flick a person up onto its back with its knee that's another thing they train you to do or to like bow down they do it by like hurting it by hooking it and it's like that's what they do to test holiday to get into shots. They got a guy with a gaff there, like a longshore fisherman, getting her in position. I don't know if you guys knew that. It worked. I've seen it.

Yeah. Evolutionarily, if that's a word, why would the sensitive part of an elephant's body be the bottom of its feet? Like that should be tough. Well, it's not sensitive to the ground and rocks, but if you get a sharp metal hook on a pole. There's thorns in Africa, I'm told. Everything is sensitive to sharp metal poles. With a hook on it. I think they sharpen it up just right, Woody.

I don't know my elephant torture very well. I'm just an amateur. I'm going to be honest with you. You're just a recreational elephant. Yeah, I'm sure they go in there before and they get them in some hot water and an emery board and they're like, the hook will be more effective.

Do we need to have a serious conversation about exotic animal trainers? Does that need to enter the public discourse? They're abusing these beautiful animals and the few brave animals who have fought back, like that tiger that killed those horrible oppressors in Vegas. Yeah. Those tigers get put down.

Do people even know about... What were their names? Siegfried and Roy. Which one got fucked up by it? Those of you who don't know, there used to be these gay lover magicians in Las Vegas who had a bunch of Siberian tigers, and they put on this whole

weird show where they danced with them and stuff and then one day the tigers had enough and now that's true yeah were they always out gay or was there were they like liberace-ing it where they're like well you know we'll just leave it up to you to see if we're gay

or not I just remember like they're even like gay-ish in the Simpsons episode that did them. Like, I just thought they were, like, Richard Simmons gay. You know Richard Simmons isn't out. Did you know that? That can't... Really? I didn't know he was alive. Dude. They're these hilarious bits where Howard

Stern, about 15 years ago, when Richard Simmons had just a little bit of fame left, he would, like, come on the show, Richard. And then he'd immediately start, like, but you're gay, right? No like torture him you know like can you show a picture gay oh my starson carters i met him at lax when i was a kid i had a i had my arm in a cast for some reason and my mom and i were i think we were going to nebraska we got out of the the car and uh richard simmons comes running over he's like to my mom he Richard Simmons comes running over. And he's like, ah, to my mom.

He goes, oh, I love your vest. And she's like, I mean, she's from Nebraska and she's like a gay man in a woman's body. She's like, oh my God, it's Richard Simmons. Oh my God, I can't believe it. I'm such a big man. And he turns to me and goes, and how did you break your arm? I bet it was those damn rollerblades. I'm like, what the fuck is going on here?

And then he was off in a cloud of gay smoke. I never saw him again. He's a little more fit. I'm off to have vaginal sex. This guy was like the fitness icon of the 80s. He was the most popular guy. He was sweating to the oldies. He was the women's weight loss guy.

Yeah. Yeah. He did a very good service a very very good and important service yeah it's true you would he would have these infomercials and he would be surrounded by these hogs and he clearly and i mean when i he literally you could tell he loved them like he loved those fat women and he loved helping them he's probably still still fucking alive. I don't know. But I've just seen this goofball crying. He's so happy for making a fat chick lose weight that he's crying about it. And as weird and goofy

as his ass is, he's alright by me. If he's crying over being happy that chicks aren't fat anymore, we need a hundred thousand Richard Simmons' out there. Millions. We've said on this show a hundred times that when you're in the fitness industry, your body is your resume. That dude should be watching the tapes, not making them. They're crazy.

Do you know what weight he lost? He was formerly a very obese man. I am aware he's formerly very obese. I would argue it still has work to do. He does, like you have to look at it from like an anchor because of the enormous weight loss for a long time like that guy went from oh speaking of fat awful people dick i saw a clip of you the other day and you were being informed that boogie might have butthole cancer and and your immediate reaction was uh you the clip's two minutes long

you learn it's like five seconds in you learn the the rest of the clip is you laughing and then playing some sort of islamic prayer while you laugh no i made a special lower trombone just for boogie here's the oh shit it's i don't know where it is yeah there it is that was it that's what i made when i heard he had blood cancer i don't hate him i just think it's like like he got this death upon him i mean uh well i don't recall that he did he did shoot a 44 magnumum next to an elementary school. So I had to win an internet argument. I'm in favor of that.

That was ballsy. What a devil may care kind of guy. We were all kind of like, kind of okay with that. Like, you didn't want to. No, we weren't. It was such a weird scenario. Like, the whole clear the school. No one was okay with the warning shot. None of us were okay with that.

If I was his neighbor, I would have walked over and kicked the pudding out of his blood. I would have kicked the cancer out of his blood if he pulled that shit. I don't hate him. I just like a race. You know, I'm excited to see if the obesity or the blood cancer kills him first because it's like a slow acting cancer, right? So you're waiting to see which one takes the lead. Do you and Boogie have

horrid beef? I think I'm just a bad blood. Why wouldn't you say bad blood there? Then he could do a damn fuck! The blood could always be worse. God damn it. Do you and Boogie have high cholesterol?

I think I'm just a bully and Boogie loves getting bullied. I know that he loves it deep in his heart. He just wants somebody to be mean to him all the time so he can go cry about it on Twitter. You know what he's trying to do now, right?

He wants to fight Wings of Redemption. In a pie-eating contest? Not a boxing match. That's after. Those two are going to box? What quack is going to clear that? Wait, can we pause here? Last week, we heard Wings

was going to sign the paperwork on Monday. Is there an update out there? There's no way he signed paperwork. There's no way he signed the paperwork on Monday. Is there an update out there? There's no way he signed paperwork. There's no way he signed the paperwork. Even though he would fuck up Boogie easily. Wings, if you're out there listening, if this clip finds you, you should take this fight

because you will fuck up Boogie. He's 12 years older than you. He reached an echelon of fat that's higher than yours, which means hips are ruined. His feet probably hurt know he has that disease where you push on the side of his leg it stays indented for a while is it huh yeah where you get like a oh you don't know that tony and flea demonstrated it on the show like he he put the camera on his leg he pressed his thumb in and then there's a a thumb indentation that lasts for a good minute and a half.

It was like a memory pillow. His flesh is like a memory pillow. I want to call it lymphoma, but I think... Lymphedema, I think. Okay, okay. His skin literally sloths off like he's some sort of mutant person

who's changing into another thing and the outside is caking off of them like it's like yeah like one of those movies like a pod person maybe that's why he's so big on the inside there's something normal sized that's growing yeah there's a small man controlling him so becoming silly putty that's that's wings wings has a small man controlling him i think boogie's just fat well either way wings would fuck up boogie in a boxing match yeah i mean like cardio wise it's it's really not great either on either side cardio uh like i think like um like willpower like i've seen wings go into real rages i've

just seen that uh boogie kind of do his character and um i don't know i i just i i did when i was training wings if you want to call it that he hit mitts a lot that was one of the things that i think i wouldn't he probably didn't enjoy it but it's kind of fun he hits hard enough and he's got enough mobility like the way he swings around like yeah sure plus i saw boogie hitting pads and he stands like this and does this it looks like he's like fake skiing it's like rock'em sock'em robots no there's no inertia from the side no shoulder engagement no like he can't like pivot like how trump dances with just static moves like i know we've been over this before but do you remember

when boogie came on this show and told the story of how he intimidated that man at a gas station yeah but by like showing his i'm angry face and the guy somebody out at a gas station by showing his I'm angry face. He popped somebody out at a gas station. If you watch that clip and watch Kyle's face throughout it, it's hilarious. Oh, really? Kyle's face is just indignant of like, you did not intimidate

someone at the gas station. I'm not a badass, but I know some, and that just ain't how your standard gas station fight goes, bro. Like, and just the idea that anybody's getting intimidated by that guy. That mustache is hilarious. Credit where credit's due. Like, nobody's afraid of Boogie out there.

His story was that this guy, like, grabbed Boogie's woman's, like, ass or something. Like, super, maybe her pussy. Like, it was, like, crazy. Like, it was crazy how, like. You know how it gets in Circle K? It was a second time. That man later became president. It was like a sexual assault.

I was like, oh, and what did you do? Oh, I hopped out on him. I grew three sizes. He just looked at me and he just shrank like the coward he was. What he realized is that we were on a major fault line and his life was in my hands. He knocks me down and we all go.

Did he bite through a pipe like I job or something? Like those chompers. Yeah, with those white picket fence posts. Yeah. Oh, that's the other thing. Like while we're just being awful people and being mean to boogie um boogie came on the show after he got his fake teeth put in in mexico and this is this is actually those are fake this is so this is a segue actually we're going like remind me of mexico because that's where we're heading with this but he he went somewhere like that and got one of those surgeries and i think it came on the show like we're having a conversation like right now and i don't remember which of us noticed it

first but i quickly noticed that boogie's gums were bleeding profusely and all of his teeth were stained with blood he had pink teeth particularly like in the spaces between the teeth that collected a little thicker so like the teeth are pink and it was sort of outlined he looked like he just bit a woman like like it looked bad um but but all that aside like like i don't hate boogie or anything i just think it's funny like funny to joke around. But I hope they fight. I would love to see that. But I would love to bet on Wings. I think Wings is like a 2-1 favorite in my odds book. But the odds of Wings signing that contract are like 10-1.

If he's got any sense. Wings never signed a contract without having a lawyer fucking look at it. Just do that. Do not sign anything until the lawyer looks at it. Unless you have a really good feeling about it. That's straight from Cliff Hutchinson. At least have Woody look at it. He'll look at it and he'll notice if it

says that, yeah, but you'll notice anything glaring. Maybe if it's glaring. You'd notice something like, in perpetuity, we now own your house. Whoa, whoa, whoa whoa I don't even own My house like it would be a whole thing You know so you need to catch him before he Gives somebody else's house away or something like that

Well I mean I think Keenstar is promoting this thing so there is No more reputable source no more Honorable man he's in good hands I mean he like runs a boxing Show now right Is that the same one that Sam Hyde fights in? Yeah, Happy Prunch.

Promotions, yeah. I got my money on Boogie. I'll take it. You and I. $10. I don't think he'll sign the contract either. $10, you're on. But I think he's got a lot more rage that's just waiting to come out,

that contributes to his size. And I think it'll come a lot more rage that's just waiting to come out, that contributes to his size. And I think it'll come out in the ring. I agree with you, but think about what Wings says when he loses a video game or if he gets team killed. Wings is filled with rage. It is right there, ready to be called upon at any time. His standard line is, I hope your parents die in a fiery automobile wreck. Right?

Wings has got that. He doesn't give up rage to anybody. Boogie does hope his own parents die, though, in that same automobile wreck. So he can judo. Yeah, he can flip it around. Yeah, keto. If Boogie had a chance, he'd have to end it quickly. Boogie's so fat that

if he hit you in a car it would be worse than normally getting hit by a car i'd be like what happened here everything's destroyed this is only a civic it's like an SUV. You start explaining velocity times mass. Oh, my. Because he's so fat. Oh, that's why. Yeah, yeah. Jesus Christ, where were you? Get it?

Anyway, Mexican cosmetic surgery tourism. That is what brought four Americans to Mexico last week, and only two of them lived to tell their tale. What's the story? Because a Mexican drug cartel picked the four of these folks up, threw them in a truck, and beat two of them to death or shot them or something,

and then beat the third within an inch of their life. They got recovered. They're back stateside and today the cartel drops off five dudes beaten bloody tied up with a sign next to them with an apology to the united states it says these are the five people who fucked, I'm paraphrasing, who fucked up. We did not tell them to do that. They were acting on their own accord against our rules. Here they are. Do with them as you will.

We are sorry for all of this. It won't happen again. A little PR statement. On like a big board. And I'm telling you, it's five dudes like zip-tied face down on the asphalt laying there. Their asses have clearly been whooped quite severely.

I just thought that was one of the coolest It was like something out of a movie. You know what I mean? I think the takeaway is now Mexico is safe. I think Mexico was already safe for us. I'll say this, Woody. I think Mexico is safer today than it was last week for American tourists going down there. It's the same thing as when Atlanta at Whitewater, our water park, this kid shit in the pool, right?

He shit all in the pool diarrhea style and got a ton of people sick with E. coli. They nuked that place from outer space with chlorine. The next week was the best time ever to go. So I think right now, super safe to go down the cart. Everybody, the cartels told everybody, leave the Americans alone or you'll end up like,

you know, Pablo Hector and the, you could run your mouth out down there. He's got, yeah, what's up? Fucking hombres. Fuck you.

Fuck the cartels. Suck my cock, fuck your mom. And they're like, god damn this son of a bitch. Diplomatic immunity, motherfuckers. You could go down there like Johnny America. You can wear your cowboy hat and your American flag jacket and just be a piece of shit. Yeah, Dick, do you speak Spanish? You can go down there and be a little liaison. Talk to the cartel.

I don't speak very much Spanish. You've got enough there and be a little liaison. Talk to the hotel. I don't speak very much Spanish. I speak just Spanglish to get us out of some trouble, right? How do you say, like, we're sorry, no more? That'd be easy. You get that done. No la cabeza. No. Necesito mi cabeza.

What's cabeza? Head. Yeah. I knew that one I need my head You can imagine the cartel doesn't want Attention from the US government And so You can easily see them being like

You did what? You fucking retard Alright well tie these people up Take them to the border Hope we don't get fucked with Yeah that's pretty crazy. I bet somebody will die over this. I bet more people will die over this. I think it gets serious when that sort of thing happens.

What was the reason for the kidnapping and the killing? I think they intended to ransom and rob, but things got out of hand. That was my interpretation. But it happened two days ago. What was the nature of the cosmetic surgery they wanted? Do we know that? I will say this. They were black people. I noticed that. Were they fat?

I was seeing it from CTV footage and it was kind of far away. I couldn't really tell. It was a little blurry. You could just tell black from brown. That was kind of how I was telling what was even happening. It'd be fun to see it on them. We could guess by what we think they need.

Wait, wait, wait. This guy needs hair plugs. Oh, I see. I thought you meant like how... So they were there for surgery. More of a eugenic sort of approach. Oh, no. I think Woody was nice and innocent.

More of a hair plug joke. I'm going to say vague. Yeah, that wouldn't make any sense no i would i think that that's uh i've looked at the prices before i know we did some research whenever wings was getting his gastric bypass surgery or sleeve i should say and uh boogie i think maybe with the teeth we did some research just how affordable it is down there and it is pretty nuts it's like yeah this makes sense boogie tea story is an american doctor it is saw his problem and offered to give it to him for free in exchange for advertising yeah i think that's how that went down you're spot on with that you are but i think i think at the time like because of that i was doing research about jesus all right what if we just go to Mexico instead? Could we do that rather than advertise our bloody gums on the internet for money?

It'd be funnier. Boogie's way is funnier. Olé! Kyle, you turned me onto a forum a long time ago, but you probably remember what it's called. It's like all these plastic surgeries with horrible outcomes. They're just totally ruined.

Botched surgeries? Botched surgeries. Botched surgeries. I, man, I need to look at that again because it's such an unrealistic way to look at plastic surgery, to literally seek out and go like, badplasticsurgery.com. But, oh my God.

How could you see someone else's ass giving into necrosis and then be like, no, yeah, I do want to save the, the 11 grand. I'm going to, I'm going to,

I'm going to pursue this. I'd like to know where the, where like the, the flesh is rotting, but I didn't associate it with like other country and less expensive medical care. Like, Oh,

I definitely do. I feel like the U S probably isn't doing that. Or maybe they're just keeping under wraps better i don't know i've seen enough hollywood celebrities to know that bad plastic surgery happens in america yeah but like the bad ones in america that you can see is like that lady's lips look so unnatural and terrible and how could she have done that to herself she looks ridiculous the ones you see from like brazil is like this woman is losing her lower left leg like because of an infection a blood infection or some shit disgusting if you guys were to get one procedure what would you do

i want a third arm i mean i feel like any procedure that doesn't exist no they're gonna have the third one murderer to my ribcage like goro and and now that i have a third arm i'll be able to four arms you're not even going all the way yeah i can't afford it okay i'm gonna be honest i'm leveraged all right with the third arm though i'll be able to earn the fourth arm and go pull goro for time okay full two non-functional shitty arms they work they work in flaps they absolutely work i'll be able to do oh my god imagine the double dumbbell rows holy shit i'll look like a huge like a you'll be the

talk of the gym you need to you could just get fake arms caught with, like, hinges. Sew some new sleeves on your shirt like the Jackson 5 guys. Anchor arms. Like a spider Halloween costume. Yeah. It's a whole new workout I do. It's called the Goro workout. You lift twice as much weight, and it looks awesome.

And they get mad if you do it at the mall. Like, I need two spotters for this bench. Okay, how much is on the lower bench? You're spending twice as much on gym equipment. I've always wanted to get hair plugs on my penis. Do you think they'd do that? On the head of it? Cover it, so, like, the whole thing looks like Cousin It from The Addams Family.

This is a great idea. You absolutely could. Have you seen those people like maybe in China or probably India? India has a lot of it. Like with that disease where they grow hair out of everywhere. Yes, I have seen that. They're called like wolf people and their nose grows hair.

Their eyelids grow hair. I bet they've got dick hair. Are they called wolf people? Taylor? That is the preferred nomenclature, yes. They don't have a lobby, so it doesn't matter. There's like six of them, and they're just howling somewhere in the woods. What would you guys get? I'd get that Chinese surgery to get like seven inches taller where they shatter my legs.

Oh, dude, I know to be six foot seven. Yeah, this guy who called into my show did that. He went to India and he was there for like eight months or maybe it wasn't that long. I don't know if it was eight weeks or months, but he got like three inches on his height. And now I see it on Instagram all the time. These before and afters of yeah of doctors

i assume in la uh they put this huge screw this like long metal rod um that has a screw in it and it like it always separates all day with some kind of magnetic system like they they crank it every day to grow your bones it's really it's really fucking wild man it seems terrible yeah yeah it seems like a medieval torture i would want a surgery that's a little easier to recover from than the growth surgery uh and and so the first thing that pops into my head liposuction like oh man fucking carve out those abs it's so hard to get the kind of abs that i desire and like every so often i'll visit like adjacent to really ripped like my my abs now are what i call emerging abs like they're they're like you've got

abs man i have abs but they could be squarer right and sometimes when i'm i'm almost there like like you know they're they're really showing through um but to get like that bottom part of the last two of the six pack, I like a solid four pack and then a fifth one that's combined by the belly button. But the thing is liposurgery is incredibly painful to recover from. I think it's less painful to lose that last bit of body fat than it is to have the surgery. My wife had a facial cosmetic surgery like i don't know september something like that and um one of the things she did she had fat grafted into her face so it turns out as you age you get like skinnier below your eyes and and to make yourself more youthful they put that back all right cool well the donor site was like her hips or something and that was the worst part of

the recovery like that hurt her for eight weeks. Wow. How did it, how did it turn out? You got, she got fat from her hips put under her eyes. Yeah. It turned out great.

Yeah. Wow. It looks good. Every so often I look at it, I'm like, you look really pretty. Like, like it,

it catches my attention. Yeah. I hope you say that out loud. I do. Yeah. Yeah. And, I'd love to get some,

some cheek fat removal. I could, I could be a donor. Like I've got, I've got big old some cheek fat removal. I could be a donor. I've got big old chubby cheeks. Everyone on earth, like Genghis Khan, they've all got Taylor's cheek fat in them. Yeah, and I just keep replenishing more with my diet. It's an infinite supply.

Yeah, I got Jackie on the program. We work out together now. So she barely misses a workout and stuff. She's looking better than she has in ages so uh it's cool i i don't know if i should overshare but here we are in pka like when we're in the gym together there's activity there that would definitely get you kicked out of planet fitness definitely gonna wipe the equipment alarm jackie stop dropping your fucking weights yeah woody's house is one of those places where if you visit you know every surface has been

fucked on probably you're just hoping jackie cleans with bleach every wall yeah yeah do you ever walk into like i remember this happened in college. Like I was, it was in my, my dorm obviously. And it was a friend of mine and his, you know, different dorm and he and his girlfriend fucked.

And I, you know, then me and this other buddy of his were supposed to go over there and hang out and like play video games or something. And we, we walked in, I sat there for just a little bit and I was like, dude,

it smells like fucking cum in your room. And he's like, no, it doesn't do. And I was like dude it smells like fucking cum in your room and he's like no it doesn't dude i'm like it smells like fucking cum and sex did you just have sex and he's like yes and then my buddy john was like he's right it does smell like cum and then he like went in the garbage was like yeah well i guess you're right there's a lot of cum in the trash and cleaned it out and we were like this is fucking disgusting dude pull out of the girl and blast off in the trash? I don't know how it happened, but it smelled like fucking...

Was there a condom in the trash or something? Maybe that. You show dominance, you pull out, and then jack off in the trash can. You see this? You're getting none of this. You're getting none of this whore. At least... You're talking to the trash can. At least she does her job.

At least she like talking to the trash can. At least she does her job. At least she gives back. Look at this. Serving a function. I'm just kidding. I don't know anything about that, would you? Mad beating off into a small dorm trash can, trying not to miss. So Jackie. You want to go? you want me to go you go ahead so

jackie hickeys up very easily i don't know she just bruises she spent most of her adult life with hickeys somewhere on her because this is how we roll i on the other hand am practically hickey proof like like i don't she goes at it i like pratt like i don't care try your best girl you can't hicky me up and every once in a while like like i'm like oh my god that one worked and i just get this like like i think i have one right now like a big fucking hicky on my neck and you do it's it's it's classy so so you know what i hate hickeys i hate scratch marks uh that shit'll piss me off so fucking fast like really i have a very good i will stop fucking you and go fuck somebody else for scratching me you're out of your goddamn mind

what do you hate about scratching the pain the part where it hurts and i'm bleeding now like the part where like now and I'm bleeding now. The part where now you've got some evidence under your skin and you go tell some crazy lies about me, you scary bitch. I don't know you. Don't scratch me. Don't steal my DNA without my permission. How about I take a sample of you? That wouldn't go over well, would it?

I make women wear winter gloves. How about I go grab a clump of hair or something? Yeah, good follicles. Get the fuck out of here. Stop scratching me you bitch you're like a reverse patrick bateman bite me like like i wouldn't biting is very gross anything that we discuss before hands up for grabs what i'm saying is like a surprise like scratching or something would be out of the fucking question that would we wouldn't be

fucking anymore you'd be getting the fuck out you'd be that annoyed yeah i'm oh yeah i'm not on that train at all yeah i feel like she should have constant reminders of her sex life on her posted on her somewhere otherwise we haven't been having sex enough there's something about that the hickeys and all the way i know the way you're talking about it is lewd, but it seems almost wholesome. It is. They're a monogamous married couple enjoying each other. Yeah. If you're 50 and you still act like high school kids, bingo.

I feel weird about it. I feel like I'm watching my parents have sex right now. You wouldn't want to do that? Pick up a pointer? Kyle, have you ever had like the scratching thing when they're like trying to get away with it and it's like this silent battle to just like check them like you that better not go any no there's no silent battle like like i will i think maybe some people don't talk during sex or like communicate well but like i'd be like whoa whoa the fuck are doing? Are you trying to sneak a scritch on me? Because that ain't going to work.

We need to go find you some mittens. I'll put mittens on you and duct tape them to your fucking wrists. You're not going to scratch me. The last girl that scratched me, I remember distinctly that I ended up tying her up to avoid any more scratching. I tied her hands together. This is great. I told the story before. I was in that fucking hotel room, fucked up on Adderall.

I couldn't come. I fucked up for like six hours. I tied her hands together like this with the iron from the hotel. She scratched me the second time. I jumped up mad, grabbed the iron, and turned around. And she's like, like oh she just met me clothes the steam iron for clothes yeah yeah and i start walking toward her with the iron a little scare in her you know yeah and and then at the last minute i put the iron down i get the

cord out i tie her hands together and then i like toss the uh the the thing over the other side of the bed last minute as the steel's approaching her cranium i divert you know it she she wasn't your average that was that crazy bitch that had the snake wrapped around her neck when i met her and the snake was like licking at me and shit it she was a weird lady but um but yeah she was scratching me i didn't know her you're not gonna fuck i don't know i didn't like any of that yeah yeah now you're being scratched by every other guy she's ever scratched i mean potentially yeah i guess i guess now you're getting little flakes the back skin of some other guy see that's the other thing like like who's to say there isn't something gross under her nails that i don't want under my skin don't fucking scratch me there absolutely is nails are fine she was a snake girl I met on a park bench.

They're not fine. You met her on a park bench? Well, it was the bench outside the hotel. She was out there. Okay. Wow. Well, that's more natural. So you just, oh, hey.

That's got game. Having a sick and convenient hotel. I mean, she was crying when I found her, so. She was what when you found her? Crying. About what? She was tearful. She had some kind of, I don't know,

fight or an argument with her associates. I was just threatened with an iron. And you're like, hey, I've got a happy serum. It takes a little work to get it out. I'll tell you what, I usually don't approach women. And when I do, it usually isn't like, oh, shit, I'm just going to fuck her now. That's a real home run, I'll admit.

But I was so horny because we just had left a strip club. I don't go to strip clubs a lot, but we had went to one. And I was like, now I remember why we don't go to strip clubs. We just spent like $500 to get horny. Like, what the fuck was that? That was a horrible deal. It's like I just saw an asshole wink at me for for for 20 a minute like like and now i'm back at my hotel and there this like cute ish girl was on the bench i was gonna ask on a one to ten scale

like was it a any port in the storm said best you know like yeah but you have a she wasn't ugly and she wasn't like like saggy and gross or fat. It was a real win. It was one in the morning outside my hotel. For that, she was a 10. She was the best girl on that whole bench. Yes. Her best attribute is she was there. She was the hottest girl outside the Best Western at two in the morning.

She's scratching and getting tied up. That's not good, though. I know Kyle's not all this stuff, but, but for Woody, well, like the best part. Yeah.

Like the best part. Um, I'll tell, I tell it again. Cause Dick's here, but he hasn't, um, she liked to be hit and she kept telling me to hit her harder and harder and harder.

And I, I, I'm incrementally slapping her harder and harder and my increments are small because i'm i don't want to hurt her and uh but we've gotten to the point where i'm hitting her pretty fucking hard like i would not want to be hit as hard as i'm hitting her you know what i mean you're slapping her in the face i'm getting her like no in the face full face slapping with my full hand. Cool. And I'm starting off at like six inches from her face.

She's like harder, harder, harder every time. And so anyway, that was our evening together. The next day, my cousin comes into the room. He's pissed because he didn't get, it's a double room. That was his bed. You know what I mean? We've been fucking in the room all night. He had to sleep in the truck.

So he's pissed off. Yeah. It's 8 a.m scott comes in we gotta work at 10 we gotta go like record all day filming this video and uh and he's just like dude i didn't get any fucking sleep in that goddamn truck people in and out of the parking lot this and that he's legitimately mad and just then she comes out of the bathroom with like a towel wrapped around her head from like her shower and i go it's not my fault it's hers come here you bitch and i grab her turn her around and smack her in the face like eight out of ten hard like like turn around and i turn around at scott and i was like should i give her a little more or something like that and he's just like oh oh i'm sorry oh no it ain't your fault honey no kyle don't hit her no more all right all right you sure i'll give her enough no it was so good she's like really are you sure scott i could use another one

so well it was so fucking funny i i funny. I gotta bring that up to him next time I see him. That was one of my favorite little moments. But yeah, I don't want to get fucking scratched by anybody or anything. I don't like that. Yeah, I don't want to be scratched. Yeah, I'm not on that team. No hickeys either. Don't be fucking breaking my skin and wounding me.

That's not what we're here for. Or spit upon. When you see someone spit in a professional sport? Spat upon. Something spat upon, yeah. It's just disgusting. Some guy in the NHL spit on someone just a couple weeks ago and they suspended him for a few games.

You know a word I hate? Spittle. Spittle. Spittle. Like what a baby gets or old people? No, no, no. At either bookend of life? I thought spittle was the name for a bit of spit, if you will.

Like a singular. Like some spittle would fall from your lip. Yeah, that might be it. Is it not? I don't know. I think you're right. Is that the worst, right? Like another dude spitting in your face?

Is there anything? You'd much rather get slapped. I wouldn't. I'd rather get punched than slapped. I wouldn't want to be molested. That would be the worst. Really? Yeah.

Oh, no. Definitely. Never again. Never again. Three times is enough, I say. Like every new year. Where they just cupped his butt and maybe touched his taint. To me, that is way less of an offense than spit on my face.

and maybe touched his taint. To me, that is way less of an offense than spit on my face. He pulled him close, reached back, and gave him two fingers in the gooch. Like, gooch. That executive to the big black muscle guy who's an actor on TV.

Oh, I don't like that. Yeah. And Terry Crews complained and they took the other guy's side. They're like, oh, be a man, this and that. Oh, if that happened, you'd hit him. You want me to hit the rich white executive who just molested me in front of a bunch

of rich white people? No, I want you to give him a hickey. Can you imagine if it was Terry Crews? Oh, man. I didn't like that at all. I didn't like that at all. I went to prison with a guy who was related to Terry Crews.

That's such a great way to start stories. Was that your opener for the bench girl? Yeah. I went to prison. She was stopping when she heard about my Terry Crews story. Frothing. Oh, she couldn't get enough. If Terry Crews can be taken advantage of like that when our hollywood careers take off we won't be safe either never never dick i've got a hot

take about that whole ohio palestine um train derailment thing i think i'm the only one who thinks it's a big nothing burger and that those people are just trying to get some money out of that fine rail company. That poor rail company? Yeah, right? Yeah. These damn trains. Let's sue them into the ground. We've had enough.

Bunch of hicks trying to sneak some money out of some fine railroadman's pocket purse. Out of our fine federal government. Is the year of the shark for train derailments? I have the suspicion that we're going through a normal amount of train derailments, but now everyone is a big major story. No. I think it happens a lot.

You've got those same people who were shooting the power things. They're now derailing trains. That's what it was. With those little Antifa guys with those little like the antifa guys with those little like things like the club they put on it to skip them off the track i just love i just like going to to every um every train that has a derailment you go to their site and go to their their job ads and it says like we all uh like women and minority candidates we really love that's what we want to find it's

like yeah i mean you think maybe this is having a cumulative effect on like trains crashing i used to work for a construction company and uh they do have like uh the contracts have this is old it might be out of date but you had to hire a certain amount of women you had to hire a certain amount of minorities stuff like that you had to hire a certain amount of women. You had to hire a certain amount of minorities, stuff like that. You had to buy your supplies from minorities and that was a scam because there weren't minority-owned railroad

construction company supplies. There were just minority-owned middlemen. They would charge 5% for you to satisfy your minority purchasing requirements. All the flagmen were flag women because that was like in railroad construction everything's heavy and and you typically don't carry the like railroad ties and stuff by hand but you still maneuver them by hand like the machine puts them in place and then the last inch is some gorilla pushing the

railroad tie steel jiggling it into the rocks it's called ballast and uh women don't do that job very well so they were all they got all the flagman jobs there's a if you're a minority there's there's so many cool little ins and outs you can get i was i was talking to my dad today about um there's this poultry company that that's doing this thing for koreans i think koreans are known for coming over with a lot of cash to invest into poultry farms poultry farms are millions of dollars at this point and uh and like a like a business plan they don't want like a small poultry farm they often want gigantic ones that kind of scale to all the relatives ending up working there and then bouncing from that to more farms. But there's like a $1.1 million like signing bonus essentially for

Koreans. It's like this guy borrowed like because they're not the poultry houses cost so much that you can't operate them. You can't pay the note on them with what they make. So they're like, oh, well, here's $1.2 million for starting your farm. And now the note is affordable. Now you can make chickens for us. It's like, so white people can't get that money? No. No, that would be racism, Kyle.

Damn it. I wish I was Korean. We had. You look a little Korean. You need 23andMe to verify it. Sorry, defense. I feel Korean. They legalized what? You could pass as Korean if you

parted your hair, if you dyed it black and just like parted it. Jesus Christ. This is more racist than any other thing we've done so far tonight. And then Taylor could do your voice. Talk.

That would bring you a great honor. What is the difference from Korean to Japanese? Then no one's doing the racism, Woody. It's like a full metal jacket when everybody's hitting the guy. If Kyle's moving his mouth and going like this, and Taylor's doing the voice, and nobody's doing the racism. There is no way to put the blame on ease of all of us because we

are distributing the racism across the two people. We are invulnerable to our country. He's just sitting there moving like this and nothing racist about that. We are flying close to the sun. Flying close to the sun. Flying close to the sun. Too close, too close.

Oh, too close. Kyrie, be wary with your facial expression, Kyrie. I love that bit. I do this thing on the biggest problem, the show I do with Vito. I do this thing where I cut out the mouths of famous people and put them on the OBS with cutouts and then just move my mouth in there.

So I was doing Scott, like, you know, the Conan bit. Everybody knows that Conan bit. It's so dumb and funny. It's just never not funny to me. So I did Scott Adams last week. I opened the show with a scott adams cut out and veto's like oh god please just please don't get us demonetized this week they were uh they were being kind of they were being kind of ridiculous about the

expletives early in the video and i still think in the first seven seconds if you just go to town cursing they're going to demonetize but from what I read they relaxed it but they don't give you like they don't tell you exactly like I could have been saying that word the whole time then the whole time I go with ninja now and I

feel like it you know how like a nicotine vape isn't quite a cigarette but you still get that throat hit from it? Kyle, I don't even want to have in my brain that area. When I'm recording, that area is walled off like Escape from L.A. No ninja, no nibba, nothing. That's under lockdown like Magneto.

Keep it down. Don't even look over there yeah what was that for gaming later so they used they used that ai thing to like make my voice and so then they can make me say like anything they want of course which i kind of like it's funny and so they they did it and i'm listening to myself say horrific things and then i get to the n-word and and that is when i could tell it wasn't me because up until then it had sounded just like me and i i immediately went aha that ain't how i say ninja that ai has a limited sample size for that word out of me

did you guys watch the chris rock special like i turned it on, I was like, I just need to hear Chris Rock say the N-word. I don't know why I needed that so bad in my life, but I turned it on, and I'm like, man, I just need to hear it. And then he says it right out of the gate. I'm like, ah, it just feels great. It feels like I'm back in the 90s. How was the special? Is it good?

It feels like you're back in the 90s. It's funny. It's fine. It's like a're back in the 90s. It's funny. It's fine. It's like a scattershot. I don't know. It sounds like somebody's dad doing stand-up at this point. I didn't love the one before that.

I thought it was okay. It might have been called Tambourine. I forget. Tambourine. Well, I mean, the whole thing is him tearing Will Smith apart, right? That's the showcase. That's the thing. He spends two and a half minutes destroying will smith talking about like his son is fucking his wife fucking her and and and what

does he do an interview with her about how how he felt when she fucked her son's friend he's over there crying bitch bitch didn't do nothing to him did he no so he really did not like that slap no he went in on the slap i don't know that the stand-up is funnier than the slap though the slap was very funny like it was funny hearing him tear into him but i laughed pretty hard at that slap dude i hope you can't have one without the other you don't have to choose i hope he finds him in public and slapped other you don't have to choose i hope you find some in public and slapped him again for the special that would be so great i would support that like yeah that's awesome that would get me back on team will he's like yeah i'm gonna keep

assaulting people just backhand this time. And he does it with his ring hand. He's got Uncle Phil's big class ring. What if he was calling him out, like, on social media, just making real intense, like, videos, like a UFC fighter? I see you anywhere. You're mine.

You're going nowhere. He's wearing a glove on just that hand. So was it actually good bits, his ripping Will Smith, that it came off funny? Yeah, I was laughing pretty hard, and I thought it was very mean-spirited. It was the sort of thing that celebrities don't normally go that hard on each other. But he's like, I would never say this stuff. But then he assaulted me, so here we fucking go. It's pretty good stuff. And he's cursing the whole time and screaming and yelling and his whole point was he didn't beat up this person he didn't beat up that person he didn't beat up this guy over here

he waited until it was little old me somebody he knew he could beat up if he needed to and he goes after me um and it's like yeah yeah that's that's that's pretty accurate do you remember who will smith passed on like who he didn't beat up that dude fucked his wife john jones yeah well i guess i guess i i don't know the dude that fucked his wife yeah i don't either i who cares no it doesn't matter like my friend not as tough it does it because he was like he passed on this guy this guy this guy Then he found someone he could beat up. And I'm like, ooh, who are the other people? Yeah, but it's going to be a celebrity fight, right? Did this guy or that guy?

We're not going in the ring. It's a celebrity fight. I'm not afraid of anybody because I'm going to hit him once, and then my guy is going to pull me back through a phalanx. That's how this is going to go. When you're a celebrity, that's how fights go. There's no squaring up in the street. That's not going to happen. You get your – this is this is the dude okay that's the dude that fucked his wife

and that's his wife and that's his wife wow glasses look like the kind of thing you get on like a creative character by the way i've always been i've always been really attracted to her shot requirement yeah i've been attracted to her since uh fucking matrix when she was niobe or whatever i thought she was hot in that She's really attractive to me, bald head and all Really? Yeah, for real Do you date a lot of black girls?

I have before But not With big bald heads But her in particular, I think it works How do you know? I think the bald head only works on black chicks. You got to have that Wakanda look. You got to have that fierceness about you.

Oh. That usually doesn't exist now. You didn't used to be able to say that Wakanda look. You had to say something else that was not palatable. I don't know what that word would be. I honestly don't. But here's the thing about a shaved head on a woman. You a white chick who's bald you think shit cancer you think a mexican chick you're like oh god was she trafficked what happened who did that to you but but when i

see a black chick i'm like oh i bet she whooped my ass do you want her to dip her bald head in oil and rub it all over your body exactly like george costanza i want to i want to fucking get in there is that um scratchy no i i think her in particular um is like a her and rihanna are like are two of the hotter black women in existence if you ask i don't think her isn't bald would i get her pregnant no did you like her pregnant oh no i thought that was a little gross and i thought the whole show was kind of silly. I can't remember which. Was it USA Today that was like, two black quarterbacks, black national anthem,

black halftime show, Wakanda is here. You know what I love about the black national anthem? It's so embarrassing. It's the one part of the real national anthem where you can be annoying, but it's the entire song. It's like, wow, you guys managed to make a whole song that's like oh god fucking stop somebody put her down i don't like the idea of a black national anthem it's not an anti-black thing but like anytime there's like a withdrawal from america it feels traitorous to me right we should all be under the same national anthem. When Marjorie Taylor Greene is like,

let's do a national divorce, that's traitor shit, in my mind, anyway. If you're not for the actual America, then you're... Well, we are a republic. You're a North Carolinian first. Have you joined the militia?

I don't think you're even right. The federal government supersedes the state one. No, that's not when they were founded. It's not the idea in a republic. But in any case, I saw something about South Carolina declaring all their men part of a well-regulated militia so that federal gun laws don't apply to them or something. Man, I can't believe Missouri didn't get that first. so that federal gun laws don't apply to them or something.

Man, I can't believe Missouri didn't get that first. Come on, Missouri. Every South Carolinian is a member of the militia. 17 to... You know what? Can you handle a gun, boy? Yes, sir. Now you're in the militia. Get that goonskin cap on.

Why just men? That's awesome. Make everyone. Because you can't... I'm fine with it just being men, but make all men. I do like... Well well you don't want women it should be women and children too you're sounding anti

second amendment to me let me just say this I bet I can find it would be so easy for me to find like a 12 year old kid who's like got a shooter for a dad and like grew up training who's like got a shooter for a dad and like grew up training who's a demon with an ar-15 and you would you would literally trust that kid

to go into battle with you it'd be hard to find a lady there's a ton of kids like that there's like eight ladies on youtube and they know that that are like scary so fucking good i see those ladies and it's incredibly impressive what they do but there's just not a lot i never saw too many ladies that could shoot i did see some but it's what like one in 50 i like the girls did something it's an age thing like like so there's some girls who on youtube who are really good at dirt biking way better than i'll ever be and i'm like all right even though i'm 50 i still think i'm a better athlete than this like 29-year-old chick. But she's way better at dirt biking, which tells me if I just practice, I can get good.

I should be able to be as good as her because I'm a better athlete than her. I'm just way worse at motorcycles. Okay, by that rationale, I like this. And I believe in it. this because i and i believe in it do you think that i could beat um amanda nunez in a jiu-jitsu match if i started training jiu-jitsu now and give me and give me three years one three years of of extreme study under like i go to i go live with joe under me i go i go i move to boston and i go to joe's gym in three years the answer is yes yeah yeah you're just so much stronger than her and like you fuck her up yeah if i'm

being honest i think it's a year i think it's a year of living at joe's house and i wipe the floor with amanda nunez and jiu-jitsu like gi no gi it't matter. I'm so much stronger. She's 130. It's not going to take you a year, man. She walks around at 140, low 140s. She wrestles the fuck out. I wrestled that in eighth grade. I genuinely believe that if I had to mix martial arts with her, she'd cripple me, and then she'd choke me out. Or she'd break my arm if she wanted, or she'd blow my legs out.

She could do any of those things to me at will, I think. But if we're just doing jiu-jitsu and we're starting, especially if we start on our knees together, so it's just like, ah, and we grab each other, I'm going to fuck her up. Dude, you're underselling yourself. She's 130 pounds. Yeah, you got no problem. She's 140 pounds of muscle.

She's a very low body. Here are the rules. She needs to cut weight and make 135, but you can weigh anything. Kyle has to make 140. He has a leg removed. I think in jiu-jitsu in particular, her experience is big, but that only gives her 50 pounds. But your strength is bigger.

She's not there yet. If her being so much better gives her 50 pounds advantage over me, like it nullifies 50 pounds's not there yet like like if her being so much better it gives her 50 pounds advantage over me like it nullifies 50 pounds not there yet you're still fucked i've still got another like 20 pounds of of me on you and you know i'm me strong which is just not gonna work for her yeah i always say that like we were talking about um female athletes the other night if i could beat up um val Valentina Shevchenko. What I want to do is... Didn't she just lose? Yeah, she did. It was a real bummer.

It would be funny. It would be talking about if we could beat up female athletes, but it's like a tennis player. Yeah, that's where I was going to go. Alright, Serena Williams. She's athletic. Good cardio. Here's the thing, though. She starts with a racket. What do I start with? Nothing.

Gumption. That's all I need. Yeah, motivation. I can't believe she's hitting them. Why is she bothering? Is this what we're doing so close to International Women's Day? Talking about women we could beat up? This is a fun game.

Is it the day today or was it yesterday? She's a professional fighter. I'm like female athletes. I want Susan Polger. Who the fuck is that? She's a grandmaster chess player. No, she'll convince you that you don't even want to fight. She's in a wheelchair.

Dude, there's something about a chess player in a wheelchair where I almost assume it's like a blind person's hearing where I'm like, this guy, his mind must be working on a whole new level. If Stephen Hawking was like sitting in restaurants, eating sandwiches, like having hobbies. I wouldn't have thought he was that smart. It was part of the half robot thing that made me think like this guy's like kind of a genius. You know, that happened later in life. Like he was he was like, you know, a genius adult who knew he was going to be in that chair soon. Yeah, he had whatever they want about everything. People just acted like he was smart because he spoke like a robot. I can't read his book.

I'm not going to co-sign that. I bet his book sucks. You know what, Woody? You're right. He sucks. He was constantly wrong. He lost every bet. Yeah, he's like Einstein, that fraud.

You know they buried him with his keypad and they left it wired to a monitor up top? Why? In case they buried him. Help me. I am only still mostly dead. Can we hack it like those road signs? Just make it say penis.

Penis, penis, vagina, penis, vagina, penis, vagina. When I was growing up, I couldn't tell if he was really smart or retarded. He was like this man bear pig of like... The chasm of man. Of a cripple and a genius that just didn't make sense. I couldn't wrap my head around that. It didn't make sense to you?

I always remember thinking this guy knows about space and science. He was about space, right? Physics. Yeah, his big thing was black holes and Hawking radiation and the brief history of the universe. He was like a precursor to Neil deGrasse Tyson. It's math in the end, though.

Yeah. Well, have we confirmed anything about his black hole theories it's false or they're just they're just wrong just made up i think if if i think if he's right there should be a bunch of exploding black holes everywhere where there's not like i i don't think his uh i don't think his version is right but i don't fucking know i'm not in a wheelchair yeah yeah i need a smart person here to co-sign that stuff i spend an awful lot of time listening to smart people talk on youtube, and nodding along

like, yeah, that makes a ton of sense. Of course, dark energy. What else could it be? That confuses me, too, where they'll be like, but none of our equations equaled out in the end until we added a panacea called dark matter.

It's like, wait, so you created something that answers all the questions you couldn't answer well they just what is it we don't know because we just made it up it's dark matter and everything's made of it except for what you can see touch and measure like i have no idea how it works but i want to be smugly wrong about it i i enjoy those a lot that that and uh the ancient civilization youtubers the ones who think that uh you know the earth was uh we had ancient civilizations that were advanced like um one of the cool the atlantis one where it's like the ring city have you seen that one oh that sounds cool i haven't seen ring city i don't like that one

i here's why i like the the younger driest thing and and with the um with the sphinx in particular so they they looked at where the when the sun lines up with the constellation of leo um was what was 11 600 years ago which is when they think the sphinx was built like the the crackpot scientists think anyway um so they think it was built by a civilization before the egyptians and they're like why would they build a lion like during the egyptian times it was the bull it was taurus was the one in uh lined up with the you know the path of the sun but if you go back to when they think that comet struck and caused the younger driest disaster and all that shit um it was leo so i thought that was a little interesting tidbit i don't know i like that

stuff a lot i spend a lot of time. Every morning I come in here and I drink my coffee and I spend an hour at least watching YouTube shorts. What's the most convincing one of those stories about either the ring, the Atlantis thing, or Quebecly Tappy or whatever that's called that's actually sucked you in and you've been like, I buy this? sucked you in and you've been like i buy this there are some um tool marks on um the place where they mined the granite for the pyramids or um it's it's it's a good distance away like like hundreds a hundred miles or something away but there are these tool marks that are kind of weird you know it's just like how do they do that how were they cutting that out like that it looks like they've been machined so that one always sticks out to me more than the crackpot shit like as much as i like randall carlson i've heard him be like their technology could have been something completely different than ours

they speak of the priest chanting so i think maybe an acoustic energy was used to levitate these blocks. And it's like, no, dude. There's a reason why every group of people came up with bow and arrows dependently. That tech makes sense. You know what I mean? You're not going to just branch off into magic acoustics instead of electricity or steam power or some shit. So that part's nonsensical to me. And anything ancient aliens is bullshit.

What about Atlantis? So that part's nonsensical to me. And anything ancient aliens is bullshit. What about Atlantis? Is the story that it's like it's a city that used to be not underwater, now it's all shrunken? Yeah, that's the one I was talking about, where a guy using satellite, whatever, Google satellites, he found this area.

Yeah. Is that the one? You used a name that I hadn't heard of. Is that the guy? Topography. No, the topography I'd heard of. The guy who found the ring area of Atlantis. I don't know. It was a cool video.

Dr. Indiana Jones. That's what I have seen. Yeah, so according to the old tales or whatever, it was a ringed city. So you had these rings of land and then water repeating for three rings of land or whatever. you know repeating for like i don't know three

rings of land or whatever and i think they found a formation that's like that under the water somewhere but like you're gonna have to go down there and find some like i don't know some marble statues yeah something neat yeah yeah i mean but it's totally believable that there's like a city that used to that is now underwater that used to not be they find northern africa it's on above i don't know why i'm getting into this stupid no it's in the mediterranean or something yeah near the mediterranean that's where that's where it should be or or or some i've heard people say in the atlantic as well yeah that's the idea i don't know what that is on the left though that seems like i guess that's the sarlacc pit yes it, it is. Oh, my God. Can you believe Boba Fett made it out of there? What horse shit?

What horse shit? By the way, I'll tell you what. I'm not sure if I can beat up Amanda Nunez, maybe I'm talking out of my ass. I know for God damn sure I can beat up Boba Fett. I could beat the dog shit out of Boba Fett. The actor who plays him, put him in his armor. I don't give a fuck.

Isn't that Pedro Paz? Give him a blaster. Don't give him a blaster. don't know but i'm so disappointed by that show mandalorian just kicked off season three episode one um and it's just like i was hoping for a new story right because they've kind of settled the grogu shit that chapter's over we got grogo to the jedi he decided he didn't want to be a Jedi. He wanted to be a Mandalorian. So now he's with Mando. And they're a pair.

So Grogu is Baby Yoda? Yes, sir. Yoda is going to be a Mandalorian? He was given a choice between a lightsaber and a Mithril shirt like that Mandalorian metal. And Luke's like, you've got to choose.

Next scene you see him fucking kitting up with his like shiny ass shirt and like taking off in the this is like when ellie chose joel over joel's brother in life yeah it's an easy decision does this guy only play one character with one plot i just wish they played like some i wish they showed him like putting the shirt on and like slow motion it was like diamonds on my neck diamonds on my neck i made it real gangster as he's getting suited up to go like back with mando so upset in game of thrones when they killed his sister or whatever like because apparently this guy's whole thing is he's escorts a child somewhere fucked up in game of thrones yeah he did um i i like i like him a lot as an actor um but yeah i'm not impressed by the storyline it's already

started off and one thing i'm it's like painfully obvious because of his new spaceship his spaceship got blown up in last season so now he's got more more of a fighter jet type thing and there's just a pod behind him that's like jim henson made for that puppet to come up in and look around out of it's like a little dome like a mcdonald's back in the day those things there'd always be a kid and they're all dehydrated because you can never see all the way out of though you're like god damn it i can just stick my fucking head out this thing taylor you probably couldn't even fit your head in that thing, could you? Probably not. That sucks, man. Taylor was trying to drive the playground up there on that wheel.

God damn it. That was always my role. I couldn't do the lookout. Oh, it got to Taylor. I had always the driver, never the lookout. You guys are watching The Last of Us 2. Are you sick of the uh the liberal love stories like they had gay men and then lesbians and then they had a pedophile love story on the last one i didn't mind the gay uh ron swanson one i liked that one but then i like the one with the little girls

like little lesbian show that had that it actively did nothing to move the story forward. It's every second of it. I watched the I'd said it last episode I watched the last half of it. No Did I watch the last half of it? Like what the fuck is something gonna happen is something hard disagree all of you Oh jesus christ don't say that was that a deep fake all right gonna go ahead and write down this time stamp because but uh there was this kid that used to work for me he was that he was that kid that was a fucking thief i i think i mentioned that like money would disappear out of i keep cash above

the visor my in my vehicle to pay people with. And so there'd be like $200 in there. I'd get denominations so you can pay people properly. Money would go missing and shit. My dad said the other day that guy was somewhere, and the cop showed up and swarmed him, grabbed him, grabbed his laptop. He was somewhere on a child porn website, and it was some sort of a setup, and they tracked him to his laptop and scooped his laptop. He was like somewhere on a child porn website and it was some sort of a setup

and they tracked him to his laptop and scooped his laptop up. And I was like, and then what happened? Nothing happened. Nothing. I'm like, oh, well they're just figuring out how many things to charge him with then. Like, he's in so much fucking trouble. Who is this?

He's somebody that Jeremy, the guy with the rotten teeth knows like like that like if jeremy couldn't work i would have these little shitheads like cut grass for me and stuff pick up garbage if i blew when i would blow up a ton of shit it would be a huge mess of like jagged metal and and i'd need somebody to go do that because i ain't doing that shit and you sent a pedophile in there get Get in there, you goddamn pedophile! He was a child himself! He was a child himself?

He was a child himself. An inside man. When I was paying him, he was 14. Molesting himself every day. Yeah, he was like 14 or 15 when I was paying him. This is going to be over soon. I'd fuck me. There probably aren't, but should there be Romeo and Juliet?

They're called Romeo and Juliet laws, right? In the same way that a 15-year-old can have sex with a 15-year-old in many states, but that same person couldn't and shouldn't be having sex with a 20-year-old. If you're heading toward discounting for child pornography, no, it doesn't. If a 12-year-old sends a picture of his hoo-ha

to another 12-year-old, he has distributed child pornography, and he can be prosecuted to whatever degree the local DA wants to. Amazing. That's just ridiculous. It does seem wrong. There should be room in the law. Some 15-year-olds have like text.

The way that drug dealers, for example, will use children to move drugs around because they can't be charged in a certain way. It's closing a loophole. And when Tommy and Susie trade hoo-ha pictures, they almost never get charged to the full extent of the law. However, if some piece of shit is making his child send that to other people, and they're using their children as the disrefusion method,

you need to close that loophole. A lot of times when a law seems weird to you, you've got to imagine it from every angle because it's rare that lawmakers make stupid laws. Now, there are some old laws that are crazy. Those are the ones that are in almanacs and stuff. Like, wait, I can't eat rutabagas on Saturdays? In Boston, I can't go over 10 miles an hour

without someone running in front of me with a red lantern? Yeah. That makes perfect sense. The tax code has a lot of that stuff too where you know why is the tax so complicated it should just be this oh fuck you could you make it that suddenly i want all my income in fucking dividends or something so it gets taxed at a low rate yeah so wait if you're if you're 10 could you like just take all your clothes off and then go to toys r Us and steal everything and they can't prove it with video because that's child porn?

Yes. The authorities can look at whatever they want. You can do that as an adult if you're quick. No, Taylor, it doesn't work. Oh, it does. No, they make you take your clothes off. Stealing bionicles naked. They're like're like dude what's with the hickeys yeah speaking of shoplifting are you are you getting into stealing it's a it's a no i'm gonna stay in shape i'm done i'm done stealing i love stealing

but i'm done with it uh veto my co-host for the biggest problem he told the story about how he tried to steal some magic cards at target by not scanning them on a scanning machine Yeah, I'm a self checkout He like scanned his stuff and then he took his magic cards and didn't scan them and then he was leaving and somebody came over and they said Did you scan those and he was like? No, and just put them back buy them after all so he told this story on the show. And the next day, somebody listening sent him the security camera of him trying to steal fucking magic cards. And I'm like, oh, let's see it.

And he's like, no, I'll never show you that. I'm like, oh, come on. Why would they not send it to me? Why would they send it to you? Now they will. Now they will. Now they will. He was stealing just how many magic cards? Like $40 of fucking magic cards.

Like, what are you doing? Why didn't you just buy them? Yeah, just fucking buy it, dude. Or run. You didn't pay for those. So long. Yeah, well, he's not a running type. Yeah, I haven't shoplifted anything in a long time really i i don't think i've ever i i remember accidentally

stealing like a tennis ball from a pet pet store when i was a kid because i was just playing with it and they're and they just walked out yeah i don't think i've never intentionally stolen anything i'll say this i often no i did from the same pet store i did also steal a couple of dog oreos and i brought them to school and i told a friend that they were regular oreos and he ate one i'm like i'm so glad you brought dog oreos i wish i had the bag i think i know i was like eight so my i get i get all sorts of like fancy treats for my dogs and uh i i there was this box of cookies there i come home and it's like oh these are so fancy and and i'm looking at them they look like homer simpson style donuts like pink with sprinkles but they're these big sugar cookies and i'm like i'm gonna eat one of those fucking cookies i'm gonna and i leave it

there and i come back and later on i come back from working out yeah i'm eating one of these fucking cookies and i they're really chewy and tough and i'm like powering my way through this thing thinking like man sugar is just not any good anymore i guess like i've outgrown sugar and uh and i'm like three quarters of the way through and I start looking at the box. It's a fucking dog treat. I've been powering through some sort of a Fido's oatmeal treat with bone broth.

No wonder. It was awful. Why don't dogs appreciate sugar more? I don't think they're supposed to eat a ton of it. They're supposed to eat a ton of it. We're not supposed to. I think I told this on the show years ago many years ago but like i remember i was maybe like six years old and my mom was making um tuna casserole something that i fucking despised i hated it it upset me

when i could smell tuna casserole being made and i remember going in there and being like like upset about it and she was like well this is what we're having this is what you're having for dinner taylor and i was like fine and like i got so pissed like i went into the other room and in my head i remember thinking like i would rather eat dog food than that nonsense and i did i ate dog food out of the bowl spitefully in the other room like just in my hand like picking up and then i yeah and i owned the lives my little six-year-old ass and then i went in there and then she went to like give me tuna casserole and i'm like i'm full she's like of what i'm like i'd rather i ate dog food instead of your tuna casserole

that is hilarious. I was a shitty little kid sometimes. Yeah, it wasn't that bad. It was really salty. And that's what gives Taylor's relationship with food. The idea of warm tuna is gross. I like tuna salad. That's one of my favorite...

I don't know. There's a ton of protein in it. If you don't put too much mayo in there, you could even use tzatziki sauce instead of mayo. You've just got this ball of protein that's really tasty. I still like canned tuna that much. Tuna casserole sounds delicious to me. I just think it's

calorie dense. It's not calorie... The calories would be mayonnaise and butter and the bread that's the part that's amazing yeah i eat chicken chicken fucking pot pie that that disgusting i would so much rather have that all warm and mushy it's like shredded dirty pussy like like minced dirty pussy casserole that's what that's what the casserole looks and smells like to me so i fucking nasty i don't like it. I hardly ever, ever eat fast food,

but sometimes when I'm on a road trip, I will. And last Saturday, it was almost a week ago, I'm going dirt biking with friends, and I stop by McDonald's. I order a Big Mac, and I'm there in person. I order it as a number one. They give me my bag. I grab it.

I go to the truck. I drive away. What's the worst thing McDonald's could give you if they're gonna fuck up your order well you might say the fish filet but that's my favorite thing and it was the filet of fish that's what they gave me it was all dude you know you see the picture of the fish and it looks well that still doesn't look delicious but it looks better i like this thing is a filet of fish likeFish dry-looking with an

unmelted piece of Velveeta between two buns. Half of a piece. They tear it in half. I start muscling that thing down. Unbeknownst to me, there's tartar sauce on the other side that's dripped on my pants at this point.

This is the worst thing McDonald's could do to you. It is the worst. You're like, oh, at least I'm getting a burger. Nope, you're getting the worst thing. It's like, it's such a fuck you, filet of fish.

Disgusting. They make that for Catholics. That's not for, that's for Catholics on Fridays. That's not for people who want bad food. You're 100% right about that. That is why they added it to the menu.

But I like it. It's my favorite item on their menu. I think it's the highest quality item they make because their beef is so low. Like when you need that much beef, you find ways to make the bar lower for grades of beef. And then they give you that beef. To go to Kyle's house in the dark of night, not his house,

just his driveway. And I want to check all the bags of fast food and see what he really orders. It would be a fish. Yeah. Yeah. I promise you. You would go to a McDonald's.

I would order up. I would order the, I bet it's a number 9, but that's just a guess, to be honest I would get, cause I know it's eating in the lineup No, number 9 is two cheeseburgers, idiot It's the number 11 Where's Trump? Trump knows that menu better than anyone working there

What a fool I was Ask anyone, you morons you don't know the menu, I believe that 100% I know this menu, number believe that 100 when he said menu i know this menu number four you're not gonna trick me it used to be this it's this now i think it's the highest quality camera the man knows his shit he's got that yes the highest quality item i uh there's really they fooled everyone for a bit with chicken

selects back in the day where they're like it's real chicken and it was better chicken it was white meat chicken when you tore it apart you could see like you know white meat chicken like the way chicken looks not that paste they fry to make everything else yeah it was and the nuggets are not good the nuggets are just a way to kind of deliver the the buffalo sauce and slurry that's been fried yeah and it's you know it's fine i like we've talked about this i like the different shapes i like slurry. The chicken nuggets come in a big vat of pink slurry, and they are like out into these shapes. There's five shapes, I think, that they form the nuggets into,

and they fucking fry that shit, and I will never eat a McDonald's chicken nugget. The fries there are kind of top of the line for fast food, but the beef there, I remember when they were going off on their beef because it's like from Australia. Yeah, there's something about in australia they let's grind up the sick cows too or something like i remember it just being that they found a cheaper way to get cheap meat they went to australia for their meat for a reason you know what i mean it's across the gut it's in the other it's in the fucking middle of the pacific ocean

there's we're in america and we're getting our beef from there. They're doing something awful to that meat, so I can't eat that either. So no chicken, no beef. So you're left with the fish sandwich. What about the chicken sandwich? Isn't that better? If you get their best chicken sandwich, but the McChicken is just an oversized chicken nugget.

Well, what is the... I would still rather get a grilled chicken sandwich from McDonald's than the Filet-O-Fish. That is the second best thing on their menu. You would rather have a Filet-O-Fish? The Filet-O-Fish is great. It's got that tartar sauce that's full of sugar or whatever it is.

First of all, I'm never buying anything based on health. And I get to pretend to be a Catholic while I'm eating it. What is this fucking Good Friday? Do what I like to do. I get Filet-O-Fish and I walk around all the time with ash on my forehead to look down on their noses. It's like, yeah, for me, it's Ash Monday and it's

Ash Tuesday and it's Ash all year. Yeah, here we go. Can I get Filet-O-Fish, please? Do you know about McDonald's Sprite? Is it the same as McDonald's Coke where it's better? McDonald's has a special deal where they triple filter their water or something like that, and they use a different syrup or something.

So McDonald's Sprite is legitimately different than any other Sprite you'll drink anywhere else. other Sprite you'll drink anywhere else. It is like, I have memories of from childhood and thinking like, why doesn't Sprite taste like this anywhere else? It's because they're giving you some magical sugary drink. I bet it's got twice the calories they claim it does. If you actually got

some McDonald's Sprite and tested the calories, it's like 80% sugar. It's so good. There's no soda better on a super hot day than like ice cold sprite it's fucking great i agree every once in a while i love it of the mainstream sodas we've covered before the ibc the black cherry the root beer the vanilla cream all those are just of the boiler plate spot you know sprite is in it but you're right you know you get into like

those fancy aisles with the the boutique root beers that's the true best are you are you a soda guy at our a fagola what is that the the juggalo soda yeah it is oh what is it i haven't had it i haven't had it either is it good at it it's uh it's like it's like white trash uh fanta surprise fantanta isn't up to snuff. It's for when you can't afford Fanta. Look at this guy with his Fanta money. Is Fanta cheaper? I don't know.

I don't even know. Yes. So I used to buy a lot of sodas to shoot them. And it made me. But at Walmart, the off-brand shit was like 99 cents a two liter. I used to buy a lot of sodas to shoot them. Soda prices have gone up. It's hurting me. But at Walmart, the off-brand shit was like 99 cents a two liter. What about the on-brand stuff? What's the root beer?

It's like $2, $2.40 or something. A&W? Yeah. Is A&W different than Coke, different than Sprite, or are they all the same price? At Walmart, they're all similar price where i get it yeah yeah i mean they're like the walmart brand like great value stuff is like a few cents cheaper i uh these are always like two for one for the 12 packs of like coca-cola shit and it's

like 10 but it's 10 for a 12 pack so it's 20 for 36 sodas i think fps rush said americans are fat because soda is cheaper than water in one of it is yeah i said that yeah i said that in the video because it's fucking true because at the time i just wanted to buy jugs of liquid to shoot and i thought water was going to be the cheapest liquid you could buy in a jug no no i went into walmart and the water was like three or four dollars a gallon and the soda was 99 cents a two liter and it's like all right and i i would routinely buy shopping carts loaded down with two liters um it'd be for like 40 yeah yeah yeah i mean i would get into arguments with uh the people at the cash register they would

often ask what i was doing with stuff uh one time i had bought a bunch of very expensive fruit i don't think i ever used the the footage but i had bought like i don't know dragon fruit and star fruit all these silly fruits and uh for whatever reason i used the footage but i'm buying it and this black lady is like as she's ringing it up she's got she's making these noises like she's like approving of my taste and wants some of your fruit yeah yeah and she's like approving of my taste in some of your fruit yeah yeah and she's like you making a big old fruit salad or something a big old you're doing a gathering of people you're doing a presentation and i'm like i'm shooting that with a browning 50 caliber machine gun oh i said something like that that's how you own the libs. Yeah, yeah. And she's just like,

no, no, lordy, lordy, no, don't be shooting. And she's like clutching the fruit. Clutching it with the wind all of a sudden. She's mashing it into her big old mani. Like she's got my star fruit, my kumquat, she's got a couple of

kiwis, and she's holding on to them like it's Sophie's Choice. You kumquatted her tits? I of kiwis and she's holding on to them like it's sophie's choice kumquat in her tits i didn't know if i was going to get my uh my fruit back from her but but eventually a manager came over and promptly dismissed her and uh and and finished ringing me up well of course yeah for depriving talking back for a couple minutes it's your business what we want to do with your fruit oh on the subject of black people here's this little factoid that i wanted i wanted you to tell this is worse than my last of us take i haven't said anything bad let's have a moment of silence on the subject of black people i had a black well kind of a black factoid um and and woody i want you to tell jackie

she'll like the fbi dude i'm so sick of your skull shake facts this is another my facts have been dead on i've had some good ones lately your chronology obsession so um star trek the next generation the the part of geordi LaForge, which is filled by LeVar Burton of Reading Rainbow fame. Guess who... Positive black. I want to have like a black-o-meter. Like, okay, positive.

Positive. Positive. Guess who they were going to go with in that role? Chris Rock. Wesley Snipes. Really? Yeah, can you imagine said the first black guy I thought of and I got it right

I started saying Wesley Snipes before you did hang on a second Taylor we gotta work on this maybe you can see things how that we've got a black hole I used to date a black hole Captain Picard I'll be right up there

no that's one of my i like the idea of wesley snipes being that character because that character is like the whitest black guy ever and they were shitty with the writers were shitty to him they didn't want to show him ever getting any pussy so he gets like snubbed on multiple occasions by women and i think he only gets like two proper episodes that are his own. Taylor, I just drew something on this page. Is it a circle, a triangle, or a square? A triangle.

Oh! God damn. It's like an Indiana Jones book. Sports picks. We got to take advantage of this. Who's playing right now? I need to make an account on a gambling website first. I don't know how to do that.

I make notes in here for the show, like topics and stupid thoughts. And sometimes bad ideas for skits. I really thought that idea the other day of people in a store being suspicious of each other. Like the white guy's thinking the mexican guy's stealing and and he like tries to like catch him and but really the mexican guy is acting suspicious because he's spying on a black guy who's acting suspicious and so then the white guy and the mexican guy like team up like yeah you're right he is being weird and like but then it turns out the black guy is being weird because he's looking an arab guy so now the three of them are spying on the arab guy and then at the end like the arab guy was being weird because there's an actual

outer space alien there and so and then they all just beat up the outer space alien i just thought that would be a real funny come together story like it's like it's a story of human triumph yeah i wrote a i wrote a sketch recently that was um it was like blade runner when he's trying to see if the robot has emotions, except it was trying to get the AI to say something racist. Because, you know, the AIs can't. So he's sitting there, and he's like, okay, you find a turtle in the desert. It's on his back. He's like, flip it back over.

No big deal. And he's like, and then someone is listening to music on the speakerphone of their cell phone, and the robot's like, you know, why would they be doing that? You tell me. Why would he be doing that? Tell me, describe the man. I mean, I don't know. It could be any man.

It could be looking any kind of way. I don't know what you're trying to get me to say here. It's getting all self-conscious. You're going to want to aim that bit at trans people. And then more people will laugh with you you see you're cutting out like 13 or 14 percent of the population and then all the allies too you want to narrow down yeah yeah you want to focus that on the smallest minority you can but i like the joke that would be dwarves that's why i chose outer space aliens for my for my minority

to be pretty small beaten at the end. I really like the idea of a coalition of many colors literally hate-criming the outer space alien. And he was a good guy the whole time. He's there to cure cancer and stuff. It's more of a Twilight Zone episode, right?

He's what? He actually was stealing. Or what if that or they killed the alien not because he's an alien, because he's gay. Like, that's the twist at the end. Like, all right. So Neptune, huh? And he's like, yeah, me and my husband, we just landed. And they're like, what'd you say, faggot?

And they just kill the alien who brought the cure for cancer. I like that bit as well. Again, astute social commentary. We'll leave that thing. By the way. So there's a twilight zone episode and uh instead of all that nonsense i said it's uh they think it's a russian spy because it's during the cold war there's a stranger in town oh i someone said they saw this and that oh i heard he was it was

it was 10 foot tall and like like all this talk gets bigger and bigger and they're more they're so suspicious of this this guy who's a stranger in town he's literally an outer space alien and uh at the end they shoot him dead and he's like because he like pulled out a scroll and it's like a space scroll i don't know how to describe it like a scroll yeah but but like it's burning and they like stomp it out and they look and it's like the cure to all human disease is and it it's all burn up, essentially. Yeah. It was like a... You know that's how we'd get fucking hoodwinked. They wouldn't come with a cure.

They would come with a new religion. They would come with a new religion. Oh, that's my favorite sci-fi. That's the sci-fi that I want written. I want the aliens to show up and ask if we've accepted Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior. Dude, if that happens, I'm in church the next

day. I'm apologizing for everything on this show. Jesus is totally real if aliens come here and say, you guys are right with Christ, right? Why would that make Jesus more real? Because they would

confirm it. It'd be like, if they're over there, you know. That would be so scary if they showed up and they're like, they got crucifixes on and stuff. Like, they're dressed like the Pope. Like, we always make fun of the Pope's like a weird gay wizard, but they show up dressed just like him, like all of them. They're dressed like cardinals and like all the robes and green and emerald. Yeah, they would be scamming us.

Like, yeah, hey, here we go. Let's just dress up like these assholes. And then you guys would be like, yep, well, God's real. God damn it, they're just fucking doing this on purpose. No, I'd be like, Dick, do you have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ? That would be the thing, right? There's another episode of Star trek that's essentially that this alien goes to a planet and she finds out that their religion says that the devil's essentially going to come back at some point and say and and like take over again and

so she just dresses up like the devil of their planet and shows up with a lot of technology and she's like all right i own you now or i'll destroy the world it's up to you and they're like giving into her i like that too yeah the aliens could It's up to you. And they're like giving in to her. I like that too. Yeah, the aliens could come down, spy on us, be like, they believe that a Jewish carpenter who was killed by his own people for no reason at all died for their sins. Let's go with that one.

And they come down and they're just like, oh, yeah. They completely enslave us if they did that. Taylor, you fell for it immediately. I did fall for it. But, you know, it's one of the legacy religions if they said like christianity or islam one of the ones has been around for a long time if they showed up and said mormonism was the right one i'd be like no no no no way i'd fight i'd fight to the death over uh converting to mormonism you can't you can't trick me into being that friendly i won't do it it would be a good community to be involved in

you'd be like damn everybody's being nice and giving me favors if they're bringing space polygamy back then i'm in but i don't see the aliens yeah what if they're ugly what if they're fat what if they're fat oh can you imagine if like aliens arrive and they're fat and ugly of course they're gonna be fat ugly Of course they're gonna be fat Why of course they're gonna be fat Cause it's just like us But a thousand years from now Can you imagine how fat we're gonna be in a thousand years

We're gonna have tech that lets us eat more We're gonna be disgusting Take a pill that lines your stomach With something that stops it from absorbing food That would be A Tr trillion dollar idea where it's like take the pill eat whatever you want like how much would you pay for said pill this is the kind of thing that i would have bought off the back of a fucking wagon in 1872

and then the guy's off in another town believe me is free you pussy but i don't think that's going to work for me because i one of my favorite parts about eating guy's off in another town. Believe me, it's free, you pussy. But I don't think that's going to work for me because one of my favorite parts about eating is I selfishly hoard all my food inside myself until I digesting it. That's your favorite part of the food.

I like eating so much that I'm like, oh, I'm almost feeling sick. Like that full content feeling that says, good job, you got us full again because your body thinks that you just went out and like right hooked an antelope and ate its entire body and it's trying to tell you god you did good today taylor i can't believe you right hooked the fucking antelope just you and you were able you you fed your family and then you were

still able to gorge yourself because it thinks you did that too. I'd be impressed. And you had a whole bag of SunChips. Meanwhile, it was a whole bag of SunChips. They cost $2.70. Your body doesn't know. Yeah.

I didn't need a whole bag of SunChips last night. I haven't had SunChips in ages. Do they still come in that bag? They're disgusting. They're the lowest class of chips that's not you've got to go you end up in popcorn land before you find that shit is so fucking nasty chips are healthy probably they're not we're eating chips here they're not healthy but they do taste pretty good if you get the garden salsa one race car is safe do they come in that outrageously loud bag they still do that no no they stopped uh that performative trash with their bag where

they're like hey do you like eating chips at night not anymore like no you you're gonna be your wife is gonna know you're a midnight snacker aggressively loud bafflingly loud those bands yeah you're right they're not the best chip but they're not terrible i put them in the same category as a pringle i'd rather not eat i'd rather go hungry than eat a sun chip they're not worth brushing my teeth after eating them all chips are good to me at this point i i haven't had a chip in a long time but fuck get yourself some kale you kale chips are great i believe you're lying to me right now you know what i can't be convinced i make them myself like you get uh some balsamic maybe but mostly just salt and pepper on the you slice your own kale and you get it out there and bake it

until it's just right you got to watch it but it'll get crispy enough that again it's like how a nicotine inhaler is like close to a cigarette. But it's not a chip. Like, don't think you're going to enjoy yourself. It just disappears when you eat a kale chip. It's like I just put food in my mouth and there's no food in my mouth. It becomes the idea of a chip. Yeah.

The second it touches your tongue, it just dissolves. Which is why I stick with those are like kale chips or seaweed chips. I haven't tried those. You can make them. Kale is like almost free. They basically give it away at the grocery store. They give you this huge bunch of it. You're like, whoa, I said

the smallest package you had. It's a bunch of kale. You just wash that shit, chop it up, throw it on a pan maybe spray it with some oil and sprinkle it with some shit and then bake it and it turns into these crispy little you're not gonna like it it's like eating dry leaves no it's not good i hate spring mix i hate the concept of spring mix i hate that they try to trick us into thinking that this is fucking human food spring mix is absolutely bullshit and and i see these pictures online like

look at for the same amount of calories as this and then they have like one sun chip you could have this and it's a popcorn bowl full of spring mix fuck you there's no food in that bowl though i could eat that whole thing of spring mate one i would hate the experience and two i'd still be hungry because it was just a we could talk about food and I would get just as much calories as I would from that fucking spring mix. All we do is buy spring mix, keep it in the refrigerator for a couple of weeks and throw it away. Oh, dude, that is my salad transition as well. Every trip to the grocery store, you got big plans for salads. You're going to be Mr. Salad.

You're going to be, I'm going to be wolfing down salads all the time. And then three weeks later, the untouched spring mix comes out and goes in the trash. The only kind of like, I guess, lettuce or salad shit that I actually like is spinach because it tastes like it's got more to it. Dude, i eat so much spinach yeah i bet i eat i bet i eat eight pounds of spinach a week when i'm really going at it things yeah yeah yeah there was literally a time on this show where i explained that i had never eaten like 80 of green vegetables that existed. I had never had spinach when, when, when we started this show,

like I was like 27, 28. I had never had spinach before. I, uh, like, like I had never had, um,

like, like most of the vegetables, like any kind of like onion that would be like a topping vegetable. Like I would throw all that shit off. Like if I'm eating a salad, it would just be tomatoes and lettuce and stuff. But, uh,

and I would never eat like Brussels sprouts. I had never eaten that until I like got on my would never eat like brussels sprouts i had never eaten that until i like got on my like like two years ago i'd never had a brussels sprout i used to beg for spinach how i wanted spinach i wouldn't fucking eat them i'd kick them off a plate don't fuck with me i don't eat green beans no thanks i was all about spinach and then i figured out that that cock sucking liar popeye was not telling the truth about the excess spinach. Yeah. Dude, I literally think about Popeye when I eat it sometimes because I'll have like a big I'll be cooking like ground beef and rice and this big like pan.

And I've got the lid in one hand and I'm just throwing big handfuls of spinach on top. And then it's the pan's red hot already so i i dump my water in and it starts like steaming up throw the lid on and then the spinach just immediately wilts and turns like edible and i stir that shit up and i'm just like you know what that two pounds of spinach two fucking pounds of spinach like i don't know how much vitamin k i need but i want to i just love it it's so fucking good it's just it's because it's like texture because it's the only texture that's in that meal the texture is slime i like no it's crunch because i don't cook it like if you overcook it it'll turn to slime but you can leave like a

little bit of a texture like a crunch there that's you know i can't cook for you you know you i wish you would kyle look there's a trade-. You want hookies and scritches? Or hookies? Hickies. Hookies and scritches? Hookies and scritches. Hickies and scritches? Or do you want, you know, good food?

Kyle, I think you can do both. I think I just need to train you up. I wish we would have explored your journey into vegetables in real time. Because it is baffling that you made it to your mid thirties with like a Brussels sprout. How novel. No,

but the thing is like, I didn't just start, just go like one night, like, Oh yeah, that's a decent food. And like, not eat it again.

I, I, I immediately went into eating pounds of it a week. I'm not obsessed right away where you're like, I love a vegetable boy. I love my, I'm going to grow big and strong. Just eating what,

you know, just eating what Derek tells you to eat. Right. You know, like, like it's, it's fun. I've got a big old fatty now that I'm,

I wouldn't say coaching, but when he asked me questions, I give him the answers. Yeah. It's that, it's that great big fat person in our, uh, and the $50 hangout.

Remember he was trying to ask me questions about like hey if you had to lose 250 pounds how would you start yeah and i was trying to answer him and that other jabroni was like talking too much and you neutered him if that brings you and then he left right yeah yeah um so anyway that guy is what was the bad advice was it like complicated and well my advice for how to start, he was asking how I would do it. And I told him I would make sure I got my blood work done first, and I would get a doctor to monitor me, and I would supplement. But I would go into a fast.

I would fast for as long as I could to begin the weight loss journey because if we can knock 40 pounds off in a month by starving ourselves for 28 days then that's gonna like pay dividends when we start working out and i don't want to hear any bullshit about metabolism oh you'll gain it all right back yeah if you eat 35 000 calories a day like more than 40 it It's calories in, calories out, dummy. So I would start with a fast. The longest fast I've done is three or four days, something like that. It's hardcore. After, there's a point where you don't get hungry anymore.

And, like, when you do, it's not bad. It's not those, like, hard hunger pangs that are like, God, I really got to eat. Those stop happening after day two or after 36 hours or something. I did a four-day fast and it was fucking horrible it was like so what did you do straight water uh juice juice juice fast so blended up vegetables and i could gain weight on a juice fast i bet yeah yeah i did water um i would only do water and uh i was hesitant do coffee. Did you eat salt?

No. This was before your photo, or I think it was before Kyle's photo day, right? Yeah. What? No, he did fasting before the photo shoot. Oh, that's like a year before the... Oh, if you're talking about on photo day, it wasn't fasting as much as it was. I was taking no water in for almost two days.

But right before the photos, I drank water. I ate a Reese's and I ate a sub sandwich. And I tried to get a pump with my home gym equipment, such as it was. I feel like I could have gotten a much bigger pump. I feel like I should have looked bigger than I did. in any case um is reese's like a good for an immediate pump it was so what i reese's and what i did was i read um some like somebody did an article with a bodybuilder about the day of show what do you do like when you need to step out on the stage what do you do five minutes before 30 minutes before an hour and then 24 hours before and i followed this bodybuilder's kind

of like manual for like what to eat what not to eat how like you wanted to get like sodium and hydration in your blood to fill your muscles out as you're like getting the pump and something about that reese's was like a good sugar dump to like do something with insulin and it was all about looking the best you could like like, bang, right now. You know, kind of thing. I watch a YouTuber named Virtue in Physique. Maybe you know him a little. Maybe you've seen his stuff.

He does, not bodybuilding competitions, but men's physique competitions, the ones where you wear board shorts and try to be good looking. Anyway, it ties into what you said, because he'd do the same thing. He'd dehydrate, but his thing swedish fish that was how he like got that sort of so any kind of sugar yeah he's trying to get some sugar in there yeah um the reason like those power men like drink honey is they're yeah i always like to bring this up because like sometimes i

want to talk shit about like a professional athlete or something, but I feel like I, it's like, yeah, but I've got no ground to stand on. Right. But when it comes to cutting weight within MMA fighters, I call anybody who misses weight that only had to cut 10 or 15 pounds of pussy and a loser and a non-professional and everything else under the book. Cause I cut like 12 pounds and 36 hours or something and what and it was hard

it sucked i didn't have fun but i smiled my way through it took pictures and i was sending pictures to the boys while i did it yeah i still have them of course i'm like dude i'm i'm in i'm wearing you looked so thirsty i'm wearing multiple layers in my house. My iPhone wallpaper. Oh, you sweat it all out. I'm in my house. I haven't had anything to drink in a day, and I'm in my house on a bike, stationary bike, watching TV, three or four layers on, including this rubbery sweatshirt.

Like a plastic suit? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I got the hoodie on. Did you sell that sweat? And I'm fucking peddling the fuck out of that bitch. I got my heart rate up to 145, 150. And I do that until I get faint. Oh, my God.

And when I get faint, I strip it all off. And I towel off. I get my head straight. And then I get in the hot tub. And it's hot. And it's full of Epsom salt. So the salt's drawing the water out, too. And I stay in there until I get faint again.

And then I lay in my bed under the fan Until I'm not faint anymore Until I can see death creeping in And then I get back on the fucking bike And every time I get naked I take more pictures and send them to the boys Because I gotta stay motivated Oh my god

You lost 12 pounds like that? Like 12 pounds of water and shrunk your skin up? Yes Have you seen his pictures dick no no no you haven't seen kyle's final result i don't think so is that i have like a nanny filter on my computer to filter out gay stuff so maybe i would i do too it's a filter that catches it though and shows yeah i want to see what dick missed but After every one of those activities, either the hot tub or the bike, I would weigh myself

and I would watch pounds fall off every time. Pounds of liquid. I was down to 170. High 170. Somewhere in there. I was taking pictures of the scale as I went because I can't remember now all those little numbers.

I think I was like pictures of the scale as I went to like, cause I can't remember now all those little numbers, but I think I was like, you're delirious. Yeah. Oh my God. Wait, what's on the left? Who's that? Oh, wow.

So that was after all the cutting and stuff. Yeah. I'm very dehydrated there. I'm very, very dehydrated. Yeah. You're definitely dehydrated. Look at those. They're huge. I'm very, very dehydrated. Yeah, you're definitely dehydrated. Look at those veins.

Your biceps are huge. Yeah, looking tremendous, though. Your biceps develop really well. Do you need water, man? Because when you're water-free, I'm feeling it. Yeah, see, this was what inspired me, was Mac doing this shit. That was honestly a huge part of the whole thing. I loved the Mac thing.

I loved the idea of, like, I don't know, doing that kind of transformation. Yeah. I don't think I got. Well, you got way bigger than Mac. No. What did your penis look like? Did it shrink up with, like, dehydration? It got so fucking big, dude.

Like, it got so much. Like, because. All right. So. Because. All right. So, like, my body fat percentage is, like, eight and a half in that picture on the right. Like it's unhealthy how little fat is left in me.

So that means there's no like fat under the skin around my dick anymore. So I'm getting every inch that God wanted me to have. Oh, okay. Yeah. Those cum gutters lead to to a pearlescent turtle shell that's capped off with a loggerhead. It's all smooth down there. Even your nipples look rough.

It's like Wolverine. Oh, dang that here. His nipples look dangerous. Does Tinker have a headline? Like a bio? I don't know. Adding mass to my chest was just impossible, it seemed like. So that's something that I'm doing a thing soon.

I don't want to talk about it at all. But that's going to be part of the goal is to get my chest bigger next time. You can do it. But I'm doing a whole thing now. I've only told two people exactly what I'm up to, but Derek knows. So it'll be fun. Looking forward to it.

But yeah, that was really fun. But getting back to what I wanted to do rather than sucking my own dick off for 10 minutes. Yeah, leave that to us. Those mixed martial artist guys who can't cut 10 pounds it's absurd because for me cutting that weight seems super easy and that was with no dieting or anything like and i could have like started the the weight the water cut earlier and tapered it more like i could have been tapering water three or four days before just a little bit

um and upping the cardio on those days and And I could have easily cut. I think I cut 20 pounds. I was walking around at that point at like 182. No, no, it wasn't. I don't know. I don't know the numbers anymore. They're not in my head. But I think I cut 20 pounds of water, like even at like that body fat percentage.

So when they miss weight, it just seems unprofessional to me. It's cool that you did that. Like when you do that and you're like 55 it's gonna look weird those old guys yeah but what's the alternative it'll be awesome then too i'm just saying it's cool that you do that at this age yeah yeah but yeah the alternative you should do No, I'm in the thing called the Mr. Hangover competition. Do you take testosterone? I'm sure I've asked before. No. Are you interested?

Kinda. I don't know. I'm getting kind of old, but won't testosterone fuck up my hair? You'll take these. You want, without showing my address this is finasteride it's almost free yeah you take one of these a day um and that counteracts it then use some dht block and shampoo and uh you're not going to be taking so much the you're not going to be abusing testosterone you're going to be supplementing your testosterone

replacing it and uh you know you're going to be all you can be. I'll say that. It'll be like going through puberty again. You'll have super sex drive. No workout will be able to make you sore anymore. You can go hard in the paint. You could play pickup basketball all day, and then the next day you'd be a little sore,

but you'd want to go play another game. You'll just recover like a fiend. You'll recover like 18 year old it's just my fucking tendons like that's what this one's ripped like everything's ripped they can get you something for that they can get me something for my tendons uh when they put this one back on the guy was like yeah it was all like frayed and fucked uh they're all all my joints hurt all the time. Are you lifting? Yeah. You still lift? Yeah, I do. I do bench and, you know, I got like a little dumb circuit of dumbbells. I have to ask because everyone does.

What are you benching right now? Fuck, I'd have to go count. Let me see. 45, 45, 10. Oh, shit. 90. What is that? So 245s is Like 260 or something

225 Plus 10 is 255 10 on each side No 265 Yeah Wait wait No 225 to 245 I think it's

I think it's 245s And a 10 on each side But I'd have to go check I only move it up So that's 245 That's heavy Do you just do flat Or do you do incline and stuff? I just do flat Is that your max I think it's 245s and a 10 on each side, but I'd have to go check. I only move it up and down. Yeah, so that's 245. That's heavy. Do you just do flat or do you do incline and stuff?

I just do flat. Is that your max or is that what you do for reps? No, that's just what I do for reps. That's a lot, Ben. You're probably maxing over 300 then, huh? Yeah, my biggest max was 350. Oh, my. I'll get there again. That's shocking. You can do it, man. Do it. Take the T. I'll get there again. That's shocking.

You can do it, man. Do it. Take the T. I just feel like everything's healthy right now. It took me a year to... So when they put my tendon back on, the distal bicep tore off. They sutured it back onto the bone. It took like...

Okay, never mind. That was last April. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I've had a lot of tendon repairs. So that took like, I don't know, never mind. That was last April. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I've had a lot of tendon repairs. So that took, like, I don't know, eight months. And now it's, like, you feel familiar with your body. If I use my left arm, it feels normal. And, like, in my brain, I can anticipate, like, where that arm is going.

This one, Kyle, I mean, actually, all you guys would know this. It's just the lever is off. So, like, the power curve of your arm it just feels wrong like it still feels like it's not my arm it looks normal to me does it look normal oh no so and it like there's this gap now between the look so this gap did not always used to be there let me see if i can like that one that that's normal it looks like more smooth but this one it has this fucking oddball gap because the they can't they can't sew the tendon back into the same spot so like now there's this there's this weird new so you you're literally pulling from a different angle from what your muscle's contracting at.

I wish I had that gap. It sucks. You gotta just tear your tendon. You like bowling? Yeah, just do a bunch of blow and then tear your fucking arm off. Didn't you do it bowling? Yeah.

Yeah, no, my biceps like all the way to my forearm. I guess I could show you. But it's hard to get. All right. I'll just do it. So my bicep comes like all the way to the end. There's not much gap. So when I make a curl, I don't get that apple.

Oh, okay. That people do who have the gap on the end. Yeah. This is. They can cosmetic surgery you this giant apple. The recovery is long, but they can do it. In eight months.

I highly recommend TRT. I always recommend Derek's Clinic. Merrick. I don't know. I can't speak highly enough about that shit. It's cheat codes. If it were a video game, you wouldn't want to play against us.

There's a reason they ask to risk motherfuckers who take testosterone and hit balls and shit. Yeah. A friend of mine got on everything like T, HGH, fucking steroids now. He looks like a monster. He looks awesome.

He's like the ghost of a workout future to me does he have a lot of money yeah yeah hgh is i think the one that heals your tendons and it's super expensive so it'll make your head big like so i've um i've done a lot of research about hgh because of um you know my nonsensical drug charges and everything. I would never do this, honestly. But if you were just a regular Joe, underground labs with HGH, it is pharmaceutical grade and it's affordable. It's just kind of minor league illegal. You know what I mean? And it's something that of minor league illegal um you know what i mean and it's something that i i couldn't do that so i would have to pay that stupid price the liver king was paying that's

why that's why when you saw what he was on was like 20 grand a month or whatever a heap of that is pharmaceutical grade hgh but i think he could go with like an underground lab just literally go to a website and send them some crypto and they'll just mail you five thousand dollars worth of that shit for eight hundred dollars or something you know i mean like yeah he gets it from mexico it modifies your body in an unattractive way though like that's i think the guts come from that the head the skull growth comes from that and it scares me i think you would need to abuse it severely. And I think that... A long time.

Yeah, and I think that, you know, how many good years you got left, Woody? I mean, if your head gets a little... I'm out of good years. You'll be 95. You're like, oh, I'm 95 and my head's too big now. You won't care. Now I can't get laid.

That's the nursing home, like, fucking MODOK. Everybody with their heads propped up. Don't make fun of big heads. He's right here. Well, Dick and I are birds of a feather in that regard. I think he can throw stones from inside his glass house on big heads. I don't have any experience with that. I'm a little afraid of that because I had that cancerous growth, and maybe that human

growth hormone could supercharge some other little piece of cancer that's somewhere on my elbow or something and make a mountain out of a molehill, perhaps. Cancer doesn't scare me. I've beaten it twice. Yeah, but this is cancer on steroids, so it like kind of scary um we we had the same cancer did you see that biden had the uh melanoma on his chest removed no melanoma you guys didn't know melanoma cell carcinoma excuse me yeah okay no i didn't see that but okay i didn't know about that yeah yeah i guess he had a lesion on his chest that they lopped off the other day well it makes it less cool to beat cancer joe biden can do it if he can do it yeah they even it i felt bad because like right after that they were like it's basically the most survivable cancer of all cancers it's really nothing at all more of a

growth than and i'm like shut up dude i'm I got my yellow bracelet on over here. Yeah, you're taking away my warrior status. Dude, like pancreatic cancer, liver cancer, they all make fun of basal cell carcinoma. They don't let it sit at the lunch table with them. They're like, oh, wow. Bullshit, man. I still have my cancer survivor T-shirt I bought for myself. That is great.

I got people walking around. I wish you would wear that more, man. And I want to have a hat with it, too. And it's some kind of thing where it's like, I'm a fighter. And it's got a ribbon on it. Yeah, make them guess. Survivor. What do you survive?

Guess. Holocaust? No. Wrong. Try again. Rape? No. Good guess, though.

Thank you. Basil cell carcinoma. That's like that hat I bought that says, I am a veteran. It's got like a flag on it. Dude, there should be one that looks just like the Vietnam hats, but it says veterinarian. See how many cups of Starbucks you can get discounts off of being a veteran. Nobody fucking believes I was in Korea. You weren't even born. No.

My parents weren't born. They have veterans parking in Lowe's here in Burbank. The secret is it's for anyone who wants it. Yeah, I parked there and I was getting a tool cabinet or something. This was like a year or two ago. I parked there and I get out and this guy goes, oh, thank you for your service. And I said,

you're welcome. You didn't give him like a Semper Fi. No, it actually felt great. I was like, oh wow, now I get it. It feels good, right? Stolen valor now. Yeah. We were driving.

It's a victimless crime. I've said that. We were driving an armored personnel carrier, and I was standing out the gunner seat, and I was holding onto the gun in like a non-threatening way. It was pointing up in the air, but I had my hand on it, and I was wearing green like coincidentally for that day, and a cop like fucking saluted me as i went back and you asshole no i fucking saluted back because like i i didn't

want him investigating this i want him thinking oh national guard boy's going to be correctly yeah i i mean i did whatever he did well he stuck his hand in the hole. You do like the Hitler one where you accept his salute. We were in Hitler country. I probably could have thrown up a fucking Sig Heil. That was such a cocky thing. Hitler pulled the, everybody else has to do the full salute and he just accepts it.

I accept it. One of those down low, like half sal it's the arrogance man that's what really turns me off to that guy hey there's a key and pill uh pill skit that's like that he's like you know i saw hitler last week yeah he came and everyone was blown away and he he gave me one of those little down low hiles you know just kind of nonchchalant. Like he's talking about that. And, you know, you'd see Hitler do that. Like he wouldn't like go full high up and everything. Like the military guys would be like in this crazy like salute that match.

But he'd kind of give you a little, yes, yes, heil, heil. Yeah. Save it for like WrestleMania, you know? All right, I'm charging up like the hulkster is gonna give you the elbow yeah what happened in argentina with the whole nazi thing like i don't think hitler went there but did a lot of nazi higher-ups including ss officers and uh went there um and uh it's a known fact there are there are villages down there that primarily speak german. And the Mossad, the Israeli Special Forces, several times

went there, took them back to Israel and killed them. They would go there, catch a Nazi who was on a goddamn goat farm. Somebody would be like, fucking Senior Adolf up there, the goat farmer

has got a weird accent. I don't know. And it would get back to the Israelis. A lot of tall guys named Hans. And they'd send some people over to beat their ass, throw them in a fucking car, drive that to a port,

get them back to Israel, put them on trial and fucking hang their asses. They did that several times. It was a government that was sympathetic to the Nazis. The whole bringing them back, putting them on trial thing seems like sissified.

They should have taken care of business right there. I don't think so. I think it's much scarier to be taken away. If I'm the offender and my option is dying right here in my home, like maybe smoking a cigarette first, even, or drag me back to the the jew land like i'm actually just telling it i think you're right that was the first name

for israel jew land you land yeah and and you know i'm gonna veto this one yeah like if you're i said you know these christians have this place where they have to worship. It's called Israel. Let's use that name. You're a 16 year old. You're a 60 year old. You're a 60 year old Nazi who's been a goat farmer for the last 15, 20 years. You got a bad hip. Do you really want to just get mad at it?

Put on a show trial. And then I don't know how they killed him. Probably maybe hanging, hanging or something like that. I don't know what they did. I don't know. Hanging. Whatever was cheapest cheapest i'd rather get shot you know one of the one of the most low-key racist things that's getting may have infinity money because of us israel is sitting pretty we were uh in our in our 50 patreon discord you can join down below if

you want to take part in our hijinks um we've got a couple of black guys in there and and there was like some kind of a friendly argument going on between a couple guys and one of them like took a picture of his hand like this right like flipping the other guy off um and like sent it real quick as a reply you know like fuck you kind of thing but it was a black guy and the second he sent it i wrote no gang signs in here that tickled me it still does i know it does he sent me a screenshot and it made me laugh that's my favorite that's the funniest thing that's happened in my life in weeks it was just so good. I love that.

But yeah, if you're out there listening and you are, you know, if you're darker than us, let's just say that. We'd love to have you. You know, it's a good luck having you around. I like going on our hangouts. We take all comers. All are welcome. It's an incredibly progressive place.

But we would prefer a few more people of color. No, coloreds. No a few more people of color? No, coloreds. Jesus Christ. No, it's people of color. It's people of color. We would like more of you to join our group. We've already got a Chinaman. He wears one of those pointy hats.

One of those rice patty hats. Isn't he a Vietnamese? You know, all I know is just remember Pearl Harbor never forget that that I I say that dealing with all of them I'll forget 9-11 long before I forget Pearl Harbor I'm not yeah absolutely absolutely because because 9-11 was just that we got most of those guys you know that they did the 9-11 like we got all of them they they just died right on the spot no I don't think we got any of those guys that did the 9-11. We got all of them. They just died right on the spot. I don't think we got

any of those guys that caused 9-11. No, they all died in the plane. We found the true culprit's passports in the rubble. We got them. Man, sometimes you get lucky. Depending on what version you believe,

we got them all. It never sat right with me in history class when they got to the part about the Japanese emperor just getting away scot-free and getting to remain the emperor. I mean, I guess he lost a lot of his... He wasn't the real emperor. He was just a figurehead. He got to live in his

palace. As a figurehead, though, he wasn't like, who else was gonna live there yeah kyle you don't understand him out of there and hung him he only got the money in prestige he was no longer in charge we could have done what mccarth it was mccarthur right that they put in charge of japan like they basically said all right you run japan and he was like wait what well i was just running the whole pacific war effort so okay so he's in charge of japan now and it was literally up to him should we drag the emperor out of there fucking hang him

in the street like he could have made that call but instead they decided to let them keep their figurehead and like let him like like live out the rest of his fucking days i don't think he died until like color tv and shit like he got to live to the good yeah he's a japanese emperor they live hundreds of years fuck like they they're healthy people and if you're trying to keep the japanese happy about it you got to let them because they're all about honoru and like all of that shit and so you have to give them something to be proud of afterward like hey you still have did you hear about all the japanese women that the japanese willingly enslaved to allow our our sailors to to fuck because they just thought that was what they they were going

they needed to do because when they went somewhere like when they were in china and indonesian places and they take over and occupy they would like just make all the women their concubines and sort of like make a pleasure squad to rape um so like when when when we took over they were like oh quick let's let's line up their pleasure squad either we make a pleasure squad or they'll make one for us you know how war is so they just like organized a huge amount of women um they're like 15 to like 20 to be in pleasure houses to like support the war do your duty be a wh whore for Japan. The Americans are here. Otherwise, you know what they'll do. They'll just start raping everybody because that's how war is.

It was just another one of those times where they thought we were as awful as they were. The Japanese were so evil that they're like something out of a storybook. They're like orcs. The World War II Japanese because they couldn't comprehend human decency.

They killed themselves and fought the last man because they thought that Marines were recruited from mental hospitals, that they were literally bloodthirsty men with sharpened teeth. They thought U.S. Marines were monster men who would torture them. So they're jumping off cliffs and drowning themselves rather than just giving up and taking the hot meal they would have gotten. Yeah. Because that's what they did as well you know they would torture us to death they didn't take fucking prisoners did you see their prison camps where they would be lopping people's heads off with uh katanas and starving those guys to death not to mention all those experiments where they would vivisect people and expose people to botulism, smallpox, any number of gas experiments, boiling people, and just expose them to anything you can imagine

that's awful to be exposed to. For research. Like Lizzo? Exactly. Expose them to Lizzo. Yeah, but now Japan is like the last bastion of awesome. They're our missile island now. We need them.

The woke censors, right? Like they put tits in their video games and they don't care about it. They censor their porn, Dick. I don't like that. I don't like that, Woody, but they do have whores in Japan. Do they? That's progressive. Balance it out.

They have like a six block area. It's not legal, but they have like a six block area inaka where they have like these whores stood up and i mean we have illegal whores yeah whores are legal in australia prostitution is legal in australia do you know that yeah but you have to fucking australian i australians are like fucking floridians no no no they come from criminal stock and i'll hear nothing more of it if i if If my dream country would be able to drag the whole continent of Australia up and like butt it up against Florida. They would just get along so fucking well. They would have such a grand old time, Australia and Florida. There's probably about as many people living in Florida as Australia, right?

Yeah, probably. They could probably be they could be such good friends. I bet they are close. We are over the limit on ads, so we're going to hear from a couple of wonderful sponsors. This episode of PKA is brought to you by RealDBG.com. RealDBG.com. If you want the Death by Gummy Bears, the 100 milligram Delta 8,

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That was the idea. It didn't work out. My throttle cable broke, but I gave my, my buddies who were going to make it that night and do everything cool uh the death by gummies package and i gave them the warning just like taylor would like hey hey hey hey these are not like the edibles that you've had before these are something special and uh again these guys are what did what you call yourself an experienced smoker yeah yeah right just just

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Any pre-workouts, any proteins, any compils, anything that you're interested in, check it out. PKA or Jizz. Yep. We were talking about Nick Offerman because he was so good in that last episode. I'm doing one of my tv show rewatches and i've chosen deadwood deadwood is a western i fucking love that show it's very good timothy oliphant uh and uh um among others i can't think of the other actors names off the top of my head but timothy oliphant's my favorite of the cast and swearinger of course

the uh the whorehouse uh yeah tinder. But I was watching the first two or three episodes. There's Nick Offerman with his cock in his hand, like in the hallway. Like he's banging a whore while his brother's negotiating with Swearinger. And he's just he's fucking so enthusiastically. They keep going like, damn, Ned's really going at her, huh? Because he's just screaming enthusiastically. And he bursts in the room with his cock in his hand kind of hard. And he's just like, I'm bending that pussy in there, boys.

They go, get back in there and bend it some more. Get the fuck out of here. And he does. You see the girl. She's like, fuck. She's all discombobulated from the fucking that he's laying down on her. He's the guy that they sort of trick into going after Wild Bill

Hickok. Like, yeah, just walk up to him and shoot him. Just do it. And Wild Bill smells it coming. He shoots the guy before the guy can draw his own gun. That's a really good show. I don't recommend it, usually, when we do our favorite shows or whatever, because of how it ends.

You probably know they ran out of money. They got canceled. Is that what happened? Well, they had a movie. Did you see the movie? They made the movie like five years ago, and they did the best they could at sort of adding some closure. But it was a different closure, you know,

because the way the show was meant to end was the big confrontation between swearinger and the townsfolk and that newcomer rich guy who was like tycoon fellow and his army yeah yeah and the idea was it was what it was leading up to was the rich guy has an army of of like guys coming like paid guns And so the town folk are going to have to band together all the people who have rivalries, put them aside, and there's going to be a showdown. And then they get canceled. So instead, what

happens is, Timothy Oliphant gets in his wagon and goes, I'll be leaving now. And he just leaves the town and the credits roll. And it's like, so we just gave up? Yep! Fuck it!

I hope that's how Yellowstone ends. It's the same fucking plot. Yellowstone is an incredibly successful venture. I think that if Deadwood were made today, it would have been too. But it was too early for that kind of show. Or maybe it wasn't advertised well, but it failed. But it's a first season or two really good shit really good can thrive without kevin costner if they replace with him with someone um that that can carry his water then yes but if they do what

they did i'll give you a good example of where they failed at replacing your guy two and a half men if you look at the imdb ratings for that show we're in the green until the moment that ashton kutcher replaces charlie sheen and it turns red we go from shows being rated in the sevens uh and up to shows that are rating rated in the threes and below consistently like like no i watched that show a lot in prison it was one of the shows that like my boy liked to watch that it'd be like yo weto two and a half men's coming on and i'm like fuck i'm coming man yo charlie in this one he's got a bad bitch and i'm like yeah man every episode he's got a bad bitch that's what charlie does and we just go like kind of you know eat our chips and

bowls of fucking tuna or whatever and watch charlie sheen like get down and and you know he's like a man's man and like everybody in prison is down with charlie sheen but the show woody i'll say uh and i talked about it right right when i got out of prison because i'd never heard of it before yellowstone that was their show like i had never heard of it before but it was huge in prison it was it was the only show that i can think of where when it came on, everybody brought, you've got your own chair. There aren't just chairs. You've got a chair. Your fucking number's on that chair. You're responsible for that chair. Don't be stealing nobody's chair. Don't be sitting in nobody's chair. And you can move it around. It could be in my cube

most of the time, but if I'm going to go to the TV room, that's where I'll sit because there's no seats in the TV room. You sit in your own chair. can you put your chair anywhere you want or the rules about it there's you might get moved it's because somebody might say that's my spot and it's like well this is my chair they'll say yes i agree but your chair is in my spot it's like fuck all right so now you got to move and there's also a black side and you can sit in the black side of the room as long as there's as long as there's not a black guy who now can't sit because of you you know what i mean you can't take a black man's spot but you're more than welcome to join up until a point like if we get full and there's three white guys and now the black dude show up he's like yo boys

what's up we watching martin or whatever and like a couple of honkies are sitting there like y'all gotta slide dude y'all gotta slide jump on over there with the mexicans you know mexicans are in the middle they're like the the new what are they watching malcolm in the middle the the mexicans like the the mexicans get to decide often it would be football. It would be fucking soccer. Or it would be Telemundo soap operas because they got them big titties. And Mexican weather, again, for the titties. What's the Netflix special with the drug cartel?

That's what I'm trying to say. Narcos? Yeah, I kept getting it wrong in my head. Huh. Have you guys seen the Nicolas Cage movie with the Narcos guy? I loved it. I loved it. Yeah, it was awesome. Dude, I've been trying to get these two to watch it.

It's the unbearable weight of incredible talent. Massive talent. Yeah, fuck, that was good. The whole movie was good. Every time I thought I was in front of it and I was starting to get bored, it, like, acknowledged my thoughts and would turn it in a new dimension. And Algorithm wrote that movie. You're so right.

Yeah. It's like, all right, I'm getting a little bit, whoa, what? Okay. And then it's like, oh. That's exactly what I was thinking. Okay. They go, boom. And we're in a car.

We're moving. And we're on acid like like and then the and then it's like all right i'm a little bored of this and then it's like they're getting paranoid he's like are those people watching us yeah i think they are and like totally not it's just a couple of ginger fuckers over on a park bench they're getting paranoid about that had me laughing out loud no i really enjoyed that movie um the ending was so fucking good i don't want to spoil it but you know yes i agree my favorite part though was when uh pedro pascal and nicholas cage are sort of standing on a cliff over the ocean and pedro is trying to sell his script to nicholas cage by performing it yeah he won't break character he's like we've got to do

this the el general is on our trail the the the the troops are right behind us what are we gonna do and he's like like the person at cage is trying to resist but then like the artiste in him comes out and he can see him like you see him all right there's only one thing we can do he like jumps into the character for the fuck of it and they grab they hold hands and sprint and jump off of a cliff that they haven't even evaluated yet and it's like a movie style cliff where they fall 80 feet um the movie was fun and funny i love he did a he did an ama on reddit after the movie came out and uh and he like he is that guy that he is in the movie where he's like takes he takes acting more seriously than I've ever seen anybody take acting.

So and he's like he has that affect where he's like, oh, thank you so much for that question. It's just so interesting that you would ask that. And then he goes on these giant explanations of like why he chose not to talk. And that's stupid. And that's stupid. I like that one murdering animatronics. Yeah. Not to Talk, and that stupid movie where he's murdering animatronics. If I separate his movies into two piles, junk and worth watching at least once, it goes in the worth watching at least once pile.

You're not talking about Mandy, are you? Totally. Mandy is in the gym pile. Yeah. See? I like him. Great. Woody doesn't have very good taste in movies.

What the fuck? So here's the story. Here's the story. Fast forward. I watched Mandy? So here's the story. Here's the story. Fast forward. I watched Mandy. I recommended Mandy to Taylor. Taylor watched Mandy. He,

we, I love it. I think it's a fucking like two thumbs up. Everyone should watch as high as you, as your lifestyle allows you to get is how high you should be. If you can't do drugs, get drunk as fuck and watch it. If you can do weed,

do weed. If you do edibles, do edibles and go all the way. Do drugs. My goal is to watch on acid get drunk and fucking watch it. If you can do weed, do weed. If you can do edibles, do edibles. Do drugs. My goal is to watch on acid. I haven't seen it in a long time. The next time I watch it, I'll be on acid. It is so good. I love Mandy. We recommend it to Woody. He thinks a prank has been played upon him. He thinks that we

jokingly recommended a shit-tier movie to waste his time. His feelings were hurt. Honest to goodness, I was like like fuck kyle and taylor like they got this over on me and like played a joke on him yeah we genuinely enjoyed it yeah i'm there feeling bad like like that's just not very nice to do to make me watch this terrible awful movie you should watch it again that's That's when it gets great. You didn't like that scene when he was losing his mind. You should die in a fire.

I love it. Where he's in the bathroom drinking the vodka like freaking out. Yeah. To me, Mandy belongs. Mandy is definitely making my top 100 movies all time list. Maybe that's a stupid thing to say, but it belongs

like everyone should watch it at least once. It's that maybe that's a stupid thing to say, but it belongs like, everyone should watch it at least once. It's that good. Con Air? You've got to watch Con Air at least once. How are you not going to watch The Rock at least once? He has made some fun action movies that are worth at least one watch.

They got a guarding Tess reference. A what? The Declaration of Independence. what was the movie called national national treasure national treasure yeah i don't like those in particular but a lot of people love those i piece of american history i thought it was fun yeah it is fun it's just like i like nicholas cage when he's kind of like pushing the envelope with his acting his his character i think his character's name is cameron pope in the movie con air um and and the idea is that he's like a fucking special forces officer who's defending his wife outside of a bar kills a man just like boogie

he kills a man within the fight he has to go go to prison. And he's on the plane to be released. And the plane is taken over by the other convicts. They like... And he has... He decides to stay behind with his diabetic friend to try to keep him alive rather than get off. And Dave Chappelle is in it.

Dave Chappelle's in it? Yeah. Who's... What's his name with the fucked up teeth? Buscemi. Steve Buscemi's in it. Steve Buscemi's in it um um lots of people cyrus the virus uh you got johnny 69 or something um the the guy's a rapist and he's raped like 69 women and so they call him johnny 69 and he wants to you something like yeah okay yeah and he's got like an he's got like a heart or an angel or something for every woman he's raped, tattooed on his body.

What a monster. You remember this so well. He's my idol. But the worst part is one of the guards is a woman. One of the guards is a woman, and he's like, about to be Johnny 64 or whatever. And they have to keep being like, do not rape the woman. But every time you leave him alone with her,

he's getting his pants off as fast as he can. And they have to keep stopping him over and over. Do they make it like a running bit where they leave him in the room and they're like, wait, but if you're here and I'm here, oh, no. And then they go out there and they go, hey, you cut that out. And he's like, it's like a swiping thing. It's like catching a dog with your food in its mouth. He's like, oh it's like oh oh oh yeah get that dick back in your pants you rapist oh speaking of like rapists and native americans um i was watching that show that i found uh called the

tulsa king with stallone is it good um yeah i'm gonna say yeah okay i'm gonna say yeah at this point four or five episodes in i couldn't tell at first how you know what the rules of this show were you know how violent things can get and and so on but i i'd say while at times i struggle it's a little unbelievable what happens it's like man why didn't the cops come and get them sort of thing uh other than that it's a pretty fun fucking show there's a scene there's a character called like bad face he's an indian that said they're dealing they're working with indians on a reservation in tulsa oklahoma and stallone is like the mob boss guy at this

point he's he's out of prison and they meet this guy named bad face and he's like he's a fucking indian and he's like he's like someone And someone's like, you got a staring problem? What is your problem? And they almost come to blows. And so now this episode comes up. And we've got to go fight. There's some bikers that we're in a disagreement with. They're selling nitrous at concerts, making a lot of money.

That's one of their criminal organizations. And the bikers came and beat them up. They do the math for you in the show and you're like, shit, it makes like $8,000 a night or something. I like selling balloons and nitrous for like $5 a pop because there's so much nitrous in there. They're going to go have to fight

the bikers who roughed them up and took their nitrous business away. And Stallone's like, hey, call Badface. See if he wants in on this uh and stallone's like hey call bad face see if he wants in on this and the guy's like bad face fucking hates you dude don't you remember last time he's like ah it'll be all right he's just got a staring problem and so like two or three scenes later you forget about that and they're getting together to literally go fight like it's high school right like they're gonna go beat these guys up. And all of a sudden you look over and there's Badface. He's like a tall, old Indian man.

And he goes, sir, I just wanted to thank you. I don't have any friends, but I appreciate you including me in this beatdown. And later on when they're all fighting, he's smiling. He's so happy to be clubbing people with a baseball bat. It's like the happiest day of his life. So little moments like that pull me along and make me really enjoy the story. Stallone is essentially a mobster who did 25

years and doesn't know how the world works, so they play that for comedy. He doesn't know how anything works. Like in the modern world, he missed the whole cell phone phase of technology. And so he just acts like it's 1997 and he's a capo and uh he he beats people up slaps people around and like just kind of makes it work somehow i don't know he

beats somebody up in every episode year old man 75 years old i believe now um but when you see him you're like all right so they don't make him into an act they don't make him into an athlete or anything he's often like all tuckered out and tired he gets beaten up a little but in like a one-on-one confrontation if we're if he's just gonna hit you once i don't you don't want to get hit by stallone you don't want an old man stallone cracking you in the jaw and that's what he does he doesn't square up he's just suckers and then he's always bragging about how sharp his boots are that he stomps people with. That was cool in the 90s, man. Yeah.

I would recommend that show. It's called Tulsa King. I have an AMA. Always fun. Dick, you go first. I'll read it to you. You ready? Sure.

I'm a freshman in high school, 14 years old. I'm very closed off in school and a little socially awkward. When I'm around family and friends, I'm not closed off at all. I'd like to talk to this girl in my English class, but I'm a little nervous to talk to her. I'm not a confident person. I don't feel confident to talk to her because I'm 5'5 and still kind of baby faced. He's 14. To be fair to myself, she's 5'0 and can't tell the difference between 5'5 and 5'9 probably.

I would guess she can tell. I'm sure that she won't be... The cardings disagree. Most of your viewers are adults and they don't relate, but he'd love a response. So this guy is 14 and he wants advice on how to talk to this girl. Lie?

Start lying early? This is when you cut your lying job do you have access to like a veterinarian's office to get drugs is the drug for him his confidence or for her no to get a dog to get her on his side you sicko

to adopt a dog to to get her on his side you sicko to adopt a puppy sick dog it has nothing to do with ketamine no no certainly not i mean yeah that's i mean we're trying to get when you're like when you're like 14 you there's not really that much advice other than go talk to her. Can I point something out that I think we... I don't think any of us knew what to do when we were 14 in your same shoes. No idea. So you're asking the wrong people, right? Like, I wasn't getting finger-banned. 14 was a hard time.

Date an ugly girl you when you're 14 when you're a teenager um uh you don't have a car any of that shit i guess maybe you don't have a car until you're 18 now uh date an ugly girl to get it under your belt and then break up with her but once you're in like the dating pool all girls think like you are dateable uh even like if or like get a girl that you know to lie about like to fake date you for a while but it's like this weird kind of breaking a guy's hymen for dating and it gets around like they it's like oh that guy that just broke up with her yeah he's he's dateable in her mind he's been dating i think we're talking about like but but but again i think we're talking about middle school um like high school high school first year i was 14 in high school 14 freshman

that's when you go yeah i guess so dude yeah we have no idea it's the answer especially not now i was 14 in fucking 2001 dude and i didn't know what i was doing then and it didn't work out too well no 14 year old 14 is like the most awkward time for a dude yeah like you're a couple years away from being able to drive you're you're like in this you're probably in a weird spot with your puberty even if you do have taylor luck you're not capable of operating your big old cranium and goofy arms and stuff yet at 14 probably yeah like like like you know it's 14 such a weird awkward time yeah no one knows and also like maybe no this shit worked in 1994 i'm telling you yeah no i'm with dick i i yeah i was 14 in 1987 and therefore i'm a subject matter expert yeah come on i was 14 most recently

i'll lean back on my male monday advice which is you only need to be brave for a second and the rest will take care of itself if you just start talking to this girl and you see where it goes right you like her she doesn't know you exist i assume or maybe she likes you and you can't tell maybe your friend zone regardless this relationship needs movement you have to either secure this girl or know that she's not the girl that you're going to get and open your door to somebody else. But where you are now, wishing she would talk to you, it's the worst place to be. It's better to be rejected than to be pining over someone who doesn't know you're alive. So talk to her.

Just try. And it could go well or it could not go well. But in either case, you'll be in a better position than you are today, which is just hoping. Yeah. That's probably the best you can hope for. Ask her what her favorite dinosaur is. Ask her where it all. Just walk up.

What's your favorite dinosaur? No, this works on adult women. What's your favorite dinosaur? Where did all the roly polies go? What's your favorite? What's your favorite type of green? And then no matter what she says, go like, no, I mean, but green, though. What's your favorite type of green?

Like, it's just, all of this shit will work. You can use all the pickup lines because she's never heard them before. That's true. I mean, that's a good thing to keep in mind. Like, I remember being 14, you're insecure and you're awkward. And there is something in your head, at least in mine, maybe it was different, where I had a thought of like, I'm behind the eight ball. Yeah, everybody else is 14, too. But I think that maybe they have it more figured out than me.

That's not the case. Like, everyone, no one has any idea what they're doing with this stuff at your age. Like, so there's no reason to go into a conversation with a girl and be insecure. You're just talking. How are you going to have any fun at 14, right? What do you want, the smooch? You can't go anywhere. How are you going to get her alone to

do dirty things? Kyle, this is before that. They're going to hold hands and watch fucking Peppa Pig. You know what I did on my first... I would say one of my first i would say like one of my first little dates when i was like maybe 15 or like maybe i was 16 like we watched lord of the rings and uh we made out on the couch that's your date like if you can't if but but i don't know what a 14 year old does i don't know how you fucking approach a girl at 14 and get anything

done like you know what i mean like Yeah, get your mom to drop you off at the mall. That won't work. Maybe take the bus. No. You have an older friend probably. That's what I did. Yeah, I got a buddy who will traffic you over to my house. His mom will take him to the movies.

What do kids do now? I don't know if it's the movies. Yeah, down at the mall. I'm going to the Cineplex. No, no but really that's not a thing that happens anymore moms don't like take two kids in the movies and drop off pick them up afterwards i have no i'm so far from that like i have no idea what what teenagers i don't know what children do um i don't know what they do they're into what a and Tide Pods right just say stuff that's so fucking old like Minecraft and Tide Pods

yes you can film the TikToks I've seen them I've seen them do a lot of planking you know that's still fresh as they say Gen Z is literally too young to remember planking. What was that fucking thing called?

The Harlem Drop or something? Harlem Shake. The Harlem Shake? Yeah, dude. Jesus fucking Christ. No, I don't know what you do at 14, bro. I got no advice for you. Good luck.

Good luck. What you could do is just wait until 16, get your license, and now you got a little more autonomy. And now you can take someone on a date. Just get your mom's credit card and get an Uber. Ooh, now if we can be a criminal, I can get you late quick. I mean, I am what? Forget Sarah Short and Plain or whatever over there.

Sarah Plain and Tall. Get to Australia. I heard it's legal. If you can get your mom's credit card and get yourself an Uber, a motel room, and a prostitute, we can skip over all this stuff. And then you've got the prostitute on child rape charges. You can make her do anything you want. Genius.

Mine was just like a little crime. Yeah, I think the... There's this like extortion Yeah you went to Uber at first Everyone borrows their parents You're gonna pay your mom back With the money you extort from the prostitute Oh that makes it legal Now your mom's making money

Yeah and you're getting that prostitute Off the street And where she belongs in jail She's gonna tell your mom that she's your girlfriend and she's moving in now she's like your chauffeur and everything it's gonna be great you're essentially going to become a pimp or you mess around with that five foot tall plain looking girl who's going to shoot you down because she's like probably a little autistic you know she's not staring at you she's just like glossy eyed looking at the wall dude like come on i mean well i think you could

be more positive there's a you know he maybe she thinks he's a great guy huh huh i don't fucking care i don't know he's i don't yeah it's it's a stage of like i can't imagine like 14 feels so far away from me i can't imagine for really you can't remember no 14 feels so far away from me. I can't imagine for really old. You can't remember. No, I mean, it was like yesterday. I remember it,

but it's 14 recently. You think of all the, all the shit that happened in between. And you're like, I remember not being able to do anything. I remember being like having ideas and plans, but not being able to like get them done because I don't have a car and X, Y,

and Z, right? No money, no like power. You like power you're stuck in a really awkward place and plus you're like this weird gangly fucker with like hairy balls and a scratchy voice and pimples and stuff like i get balls at 14 you lucky dick you want to go on a date with me somebody's got somebody's got an older brother or sister somebody's got divorced parents probably more than ever now oh divorced parents use them you can get them to do anything right

yeah parlay them against each other yeah get them to like here's a tip for your parlay your parents love against one another for presents yeah tell them that you're doing cool stuff with your mom even when you're not and then tell your mom the same thing about your dad and it's their fault for getting divorced so fuck them take them for everything you can kids get the the candies or the fucking Fortnite skins. Whatever kids like. Oh, I never heard from Dick whether he thought the train derailment was a big deal or not.

Oh, the pictures are pretty cool. Do you think those people have really been poisoned or are they just like making hay? I don't know. or are they just like making hay? I don't know. It's kind of like, it's like a weird thing where I have to pick whether or not people

in a place I don't know and can't see have been like poisoned by a liquid I don't understand. Yeah, exactly right. I don't know. Maybe they did. But they're trying to say.

It's like, it doesn't look good. It doesn't look bad to me. If in six months the government says they're fine, I'll say, okay doesn't look good. If all of it is a bad poison, that's a good deal. If in six months the government says they're fine, I'll say, okay, they were poisoned. See, the government is saying they're fine every step of the way, and the people are like,

uh-uh, I got a sore throat, and my chickens died. I want to pay. You hear the guy with the high voice on Reddit? Oh, my voice sounds like this now because the train derailed. The train chemicals made me gay i'm gay now yeah there is a guy on radio i sucked all these dicks i was running around sucking dicks i want some money i'm not gay i need a letter from fucking biden i want a letter from obama

biden needs to call obama up and say I'm not gay and put that in a letter. And then that'll be enough. Because you can't trust Biden to know whether or not Obama has straightened that out. Yeah. I'm just not buying it. It doesn't seem like everybody would be covering everything up like that if there was actually anything to be said about it. It seems like they burnt all those chemicals up

and they went up in the sky and became stars or whatever. So I don't get what everybody's problem is. Once you burn a chemical, it's largely defeated. It changes into a whole other thing. It changes into other chemicals. Yeah. Yeah. It turns into different chemicals.

Guess what else is a chemical? Medicine. How do you feel now? Water. Water. There's a chemical for you. A little something called water, perhaps. I can't even burn wood.

And we've been burning wood for thousands of years. So if that's too much, like, well, I don't know. Maybe burning liquid PVC is not healthy, but I don't know. What's liquid PVC for? Making PVC? Making PVC. That's it? It's just for PVC pipes?

Yeah. And that's considered hazardous it requires good breaks apparently if it's un like finished or like not apparently it's it's very dangerous if it's uncured is what some internet person said but again lots of shit's dangerous when it's on fire like pvc pipes are probably pretty dangerous on fire yeah they set it on fire everything's dangerous when it's to get rid of it yeah i'm aware but like i guess i just wanted what was hazardous like obviously it was like nuclear waste that's hazardous stuff we're on the same team there right if it's ball bearings and that's

like not hazardous you could spill that all over the place and you just have to pick it up carefully yeah but pbc banana peels let's say it's pvc pipe is that hazardous it's no it's hazardous while on fire i think that no the pipes aren't but um i i think the way they are no apparently it's just the uncured one like if it's like a cured pvc pipe it's not as bad like you shouldn't be huffing it but i don't i i think it's a different chemical is the issue it was polyvinyl isolate or something. It's the liquid stuff that was in those tankers. And that's an ingredient to create polyvinyl chloride, which is PVC pipe.

But it's also just a kind of plastic. So it's used in all sorts of things. My monitor is probably made out of PVC. I'm going to guess some of those words were made up. Yeah. Yeah. Woody, they were all made up. As long as it's just a bunch of kind of as long as it's just

like aerosolized plastic thank god you know i'm gonna go with more made-up dude it's gonna make us more powerful i don't think they're just like they're making a bunch of hay because it got smoky and they're in it and their throats got a little scritchy. And now they want some big payout. And I say, boo to that, sir. You shouldn't have chosen to live next to the train depot, maybe. And I don't believe. Ukraine needs that money, moron. Ukraine does need that money.

Look, I'll tell you what. Those brave fucking Ukrainians need every dime that we can squeeze out to give them. I love it. out of my own pocket whatever you know i wish that i oh i i it's been fun watching the ukraine war this week it's been a good week lots of really good drone footage i saw one that really upset me though um they blew this russian's face off and he was still alive choking on his own blood and you could see and see his like caved in face because the camera was so good choking on his own blood and you could see him see his like caved in face because the camera was so good because the grenade had just blown up right here wow and uh

and it was just and his friends are like ah like looking at him and again his face is just pulp but he's still alive and i don't understand why they're not shooting him you know like like like for one thing true um it's not over yet but uh it was one of the worst things i've seen from that war so far but the the stuff that i've enjoyed is the body cam stuff um i i these guys are just warfare i watched i watched it's like paintball shit i watched like eight ukrainians run up on a russian who was down in a trench and the russian is like fuck throws his hands up and the guy takes his ak and puts it kind of next to the russian's head and goes bop bop bop and like the sound like discombobulates him he gives him a left-handed punch in the mouth the russian goes oh and then

somebody grabs the russian and oh and then somebody grabs the russian and drags them away and then they like keep pushing forward with their fucking rifles and shit looking for more it was so cool it was like something out of a movie because the camera is so you know it's a gopro i can see this rush the expression on this russian's face he's punching distance away from the camera you know like the camera guy man pops him one that's a good one i didn't see it i watch the war updates every single day every single day i watch how the front lines move and it's mostly like pro-ukrainian sources which makes me not fully trust it you know as you shouldn't but they seem to be a lot like they predicted Buck would fall weeks ago.

So it's not like unrealistically positive news, but it does put a sort of pro-Ukrainian slant on it. And they've just been losing lately. And by losing up, say that again. The Russians are calling up 500,000 men, 1,800 tanks and a cadre of of helicopters and planes they're about to make a very big push the russians are the russians are the war is about to make going to its next spring its spring phase any day now there's going to be a big thing popping off i saw today that the russians shot a lot of uh ballistic missiles including maybe eight or ten hypersonic missiles and like 70 drones like there was a lot of like striking today um from the russians um but but

yeah there's the war is about to ramp up again in the spring now that it's it's warming up and for the past the threat the treaded vehicles can move kyle might know this but for the past couple weeks there's been almost a stalemate in bakhmut it seems like every day the russians take another like 100 meters which isn't a lot and they're paying very dearly for it they lost 134 like armored vehicles and tanks in one day like they're just getting wrecked slaughtered but then they take 100 meters and just like crawl and this is how russians win wars by the way like in world war ii if you look at who died the russians died more than anybody else yet there's no nazis in russia you know this is how they win wars so i'm watching this and i'm

like is this going well or not i can't tell it's great that 134 tanks well what's your pro-ukrainian on this like are they going to get the russians what do you mean by pro-ukraine what do you want what's your ideal when like what do you mean when you say pro-ukraine because my i'm pro-ukraine like you guys should have surrendered on day one and just given them those little areas and said like okay not me i'm like get the fuck out of ukraine all the, and Crimea, by the way. Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. What's the win condition

that people... I don't want Putin to build a new USSR. There's eventually going to be a peace and he's going to keep... Here's two outcomes that I see. He's probably going to die, and then who knows how much territory, where the lines get redrawn at. if putin makes a piece

he'll keep enough that he can see yeah we took it back see we won but yeah if it's going to depend how this spring goes i completely disagree the the ukrainian military budget surpasses the russian military budget they don't seem to be having a big manpower problem and and the support keeps ramping up like the degree of support it's not like every day oh we'll give you more money today it's like every day they're like all right we'll give you this new thing on the tech tree if this was a video game they're giving special abilities to the ukrainians every week like new ones now they have jdams now they now they have 500 pound bombs that that strike uh from extreme ranges and just i saw

them hit a russian ammo depot with the first j they were like this is the first confirmed use of the j-dam and it's basically like a big bomb with wings and uh and they blew it was a mad gigantic explosion was this about a week ago this week roughly yeah i might have seen this too but i didn't know it was a jayden yeah no the ukrainians are going to win this war they're going to kill so many russians the united states is not what do you mean by when i'm sorry to ask that again when you say ukraine's gonna win i don't think the a lot when i don't think the russians are going to take very much territory than they have right now they may even lose territory um but they're not gonna like is gonna lose territory what about donbass donbass and luhansk

you think they're going to be independent i don't know exactly where those regions are but if those are the ones that are those uh donbass and luhansk uh they've wanted to be part of they've wanted to be independent or part of russia for ever since the soviet union broke up. And Ukraine's been brutalizing the people who live there ever since. The traitors. Yeah, the traitors. Yeah, it'd be like if the Confederacy was trying to fucking do something with Cuba and the Cuba's

supporting them. Some of us are still pro-Confederacy as it turns out. Thank you, Zach. Excellent. Yeah, those guys. Those guys are getting bombed mercilessly By Zelensky and his Globo homo agenda

That he's hammering them with Do you think they deserve to be Independent or not Do you think those two areas deserve to be their own states Or not I don't think it matters What I think because I don't know anything about Those two areas deserve to be their own states or not? I don't think it matters what I think because I don't know anything about those two areas.

But the realities of this war, I think, are that those areas are likely to, in some part, be Russian, in some part, be Ukrainian. They're going to have to split that shit up. But what I don't think is going to happen is they're going to take all that shit, take Kiev, like conquer Ukraine, push the lines to Polandand that ain't happening

if you want to see the the scary thing is putin's already lost and and the west is trying to let him save face but he he keeps pushing and he's pushing toward an eventuality where the west has to push back and and and then it's scary because maybe he loses too much face and he uses a nuclear weapon of some kind. Which city would you like him to nuke? He would shoot one right here on this map. It's where the nuke would go. But I'm not... A couple of weeks ago,

Putin had a big speech. And part of the speech was supposed to be him touting that today we tested an ICBM. He couldn't put it in the speech speech was supposed to be him touting that today we launched we tested an icbm he couldn't put it in the speech it had to be removed because they tried and failed to launch one of their icbms it didn't work they're gonna test an icbm and when they fired one up that i'm sure they hand-picked that one's shiny yeah it didn't fucking work um i bet our shit is taken care of you know what i mean? I'm not afraid of Russia

and I don't think we should be afraid of Russia I think Russia is a third rate power we should focus on China and I think with our pocketbook and our left hand we can destroy Russia but we need to be looking over toward China wait why do you want to destroy

either of them? I don't want to destroy either of them. I want that war to stop, though, because that's messing up the whole global economy and supply chains, and war's no good. But Putin seems like an evil guy, and I don't like him winning. And, you know, he started a war. Yeah, he invaded another country. Fuck him. Well, he's defending those Luhansk and Donbass.

They said they're dependent. Yeah, they said we don't want to be part of Ukraine because Ukraine's fucked. It's like one of the most corrupt governments on the fucking planet. We're going to be our own thing. We're tired of dealing with you guys. We want to be independent. And then Putin said, okay, well, I mean,

it's like the same thing that the French did for us when we said we're independent from England. They said, the French sent the army in to defend us. That's what the special military operation was. I guess maybe he invaded. You want to say he invaded Ukraine, but I mean, I don't know. It seems like a lot of work to take over a country that doesn't want to be ruled like those guys those two areas want to be russian they're always saying like well yeah we want to be russian we're all russian we all grew up in the ussr area we're all we were all born in like the 70s we want to be back in russia we hate this we don't want this idiot and like

biden running the country we want to go back with russia um i don't know i think you just give them the states and say yeah it have fun yeah we'll see i don't know that ukraine's as corrupt as you're making out to be i know that it was i know that it was before zolinski was president and now i think it's on the upswing what do i base this on i mean how can we know how can either of us know really for sure but that's what they say in the news that with the new president he's a better man was in the was in the pandora papers where he's got like all of his uh all of his finances were uh through panamanian foundations where he's got like hundreds of millions of dollars stashed. It didn't get a lot of coverage because it's confusing,

but he's got like, he's being funded by, outrageously by the West to run that coup government. I've never heard of anything like that, but it doesn't mean you're wrong. It just means like you said, it hasn't been covered enough. Yeah.

Did you like Afghanistan? Did you like the way that turned out i'm a huge fan uh afghanistan was a blast no i didn't uh that didn't turn out well we did a lot differently though and uh it doesn't mean all wars have to be Afghanistan. Vietnam, Afghanistan. I mean, I don't really care. Well, you're picking ones that Americans went into directly. The Yugoslavia one worked out better where we just supported someone else. Who did we support there? The Croatians and I guess everybody but the Serbians, I think.

We enforced a no-fly zone to make it quite not correct. Bosnians, right? Wrecked as it would have been otherwise. Bosnia-Herzegovina, yeah. That's too long of a country name. I don't like it. It is. And it's such a small country.

Do you ever see it on the map? And it's like Poland and then Bosnia-Herzegovina. They can't even fit it in there. Get it together, Bosnia. Come on. There's nothing funnier from a geographical perspective on the planet than Croatia's coast. There's no bigger fuck you on Earth than the Croatian coastline, and it's hilarious.

Are you familiar with this coastline, Dick? No. Are you familiar with this coastline, Dick? No. Zach, pull up a picture of Croatian coastlines, and you can see how they just took every bit of good real estate. It is the most fuck you border. And look, they give them a little sliver so you can go to the one Bosnian beach.

That's nice. Oh, my God. And you know what? And now that Croatia, they're getting all that sun, tiny little country, one of the best soccer teams in the world. You can tell Montenegro did not put up with their shit. Wow, that is crazy. I think they're like, you guys wouldn't even know what to do. You guys wouldn't even know.

It's over there. It sucks. It's horrible. It's a big pain in the ass to deal with. Damn, Bosnia. Home of Melania Trump, former first lady. Right? It's not super obvious in this map because it's small,

but Croatia does have a little bit of land there, and you can see militarily it'd be so easy to defeat them with all the Croatia that they own around it. If they wanted to stop Bosnia from shipping, it would be easy. It's my understanding that this little region, everyone's very jelly of Croatia. I think it's the nicest one

of these countries. Isn't Montenegro, don't they do racing there? I don't fucking know, man. Isn't there a big car race in Montenegro? Those are those asshole countries. We don't know anything about Macedonians. Macedonians. What do they even do there?

Are they really Macedonian? Isn't that like what Alexander the Great was? No. Yes. Yes. Yes, it was. I don't think they're... Kyle says no, I'm going with it.

That's where the bad guys in taking are from. 2v1, you're wrong. Speaking of me being right. Speaking of me being right. It's a lot, guys. It'll be a quick convo. I love... I'm going for five fucking hours about things I'm right about.

I love this UFC event. It was good. The whole event was good. My girl lost, but it was a worthy sacrifice to see Jon Jones come back after a three-year layoff and turn that big, goofy Frenchman into a pussy in front of the world. He looked awestruck when Jon Jones stepped away from him. He looked like a magician. It was like when Dave Blaine makes a black guy's wallet disappear

or turn into some flowers or something. He had that look on his face. He was just like, Oh shit. Was that a wizard? Like couldn't understand what had just befell him because the greatest mixed martial artist who's ever walked the fucking planet stepped over there and bullied him,

scared him, pinned him to the ground in a way that was almost rapey. And then choked his throat out he the quote from jones is funny he's like at first when i sunk it up i could feel his spine adjust i heard it pop so i reset the choke and then i felt him tap and it's like jesus christ he's so cold i love that man that man has never won a fight i lost a fight he he he beats women he fucking um he does drugs he he does steroids he uh uh he he he makes no bones about it he's mean he's petty he's cruel he's my favorite last week kyle and i made a bet and my whole thought process was

contingent on john j Jones having ring rust. I thought that because he hadn't fought for like three years, I think, and really didn't look good before that, that he would just step in the octagon and not be what he used to be. I had forgotten. He'd been tuning up his wife all this time, right? This guy's got W after W. He wasn't ring rust at all.

He went in there and kicked ass. He took on a crown Vic last year in Vegas and brought W after W. He wasn't ring rust at all. He went in there and kicked ass. He took on a crown Vic last year in Vegas and brought home the W. That Vic was fucked. You see him headbutt that car? Yeah. Dude. Yeah. Dude's been free.

If headbutting was allowed in the UFC, he would be one of the more lethal headbutters. After seeing what he did to that car, he was handcuffed and dented the shit. They charged him a grand or something. It was an incredible night. There was a standing choke where the guy dropped his opponent, like gangster style. That was fucking slick. He was just like, oh, by the way, boop, and dude hit the ground. He's got the cool walk-off and everything.

That was a nice moment. The Jeff Neal fight was incredible. His side threw the towel in. I've only seen that once before. He was taking this incredible beating from an accurate sniping style of punching. It was just one, two, one, two, one, two. Just getting fucked up. It was a great night.

Maybe it wasn't Jeff Neal with the towel. Irrelevant. There were a lot of good fights, but the Jonones fight was so good i was a lot of people were upset like i think the casual fans who were watching was like whoa wait that's it it's over i'm sure there are people upset but as like a john jones fan it's like the perfect thing i think it might be better than like a head kick knockout like his head kick knockout is so fluky okay dana white said that in ghanu's not coming back to the ufc and i don't take that to mean he has no interest in him but more like he's not allowed he's not wanted that's what i saw him make that clear he's

like i i never say never but never will in ghanu fight in the ufc again though that's his that's the quote in ghanu is out here's what in ghanu did i in the UFC again. That's the quote. Ngannou is out. Here's what Ngannou did. I read it. Ngannou's the heavyweight champ of the world. He wants more money, and he wants some... The way he wins favor with the audience or the crowd is he's like, I want all the fighters to get a raise and health benefits and a union.

And they're like, go fuck yourself. Because you know what Ngannou made the last time he went out? You know how many pay-per-views he sold his last fight against Gon, by the way? 300,000. Really? 300,000. Shevchenko hits more than that. Shevchenko Nunez was probably 400,000.

300,000, and he's wanting this crazy contract. So no, fuck you. And here's the best part. He can't get a boxing match now. Because you know what he is? The former heavyweight champion of the world in the UFC. He's not that UFC heavyweight champ coming over to face a big boxer. He's the former guy.

Who's the baddest man? Jon Jones is. He's the heavyweight champ. He's got the belt. He's got the title. He's got the pound for pound number one. Nobody fucking cares what that – where's he from? Nigeria?

That sounds right. Anthony Cumia came on this show. And he told us about how he negotiates. He's like, I need $10 million and 50 hats. And he's like, all right, all right, we'll meet in the middle. No hats. I wonder if that's what Ngannou does. When he's like, I want everyone else to have health care.

Okay, we'll meet in the middle. Fuck everyone else. More just me. I bet Jon Jones made $25 million plus for that fight because I bet he got a win. He beat Jon Jones' cut and was. Yeah, I think that's what he made, at least. Because he was talking, just reading between the lines,

he was like, Ngannou didn't want to bet on himself. They keep saying that. And what that phraseology means to me, they gave Ngannou a contract that says, hey, if you beat Jon Jones, you get this much. Fighting Jon Jones is that much. And he's like, I want those two numbers added together just for fighting Jon jones did i want

everybody to have health care in a union and they're like well we're way apart here so it just never came together and i don't care anymore because john jones is the baddest man in the world he's gonna beat the shit out of steepay he's gonna he's gonna make steepay he's gonna embarrass steepay and then maybe defend once more and retire i hope you're wrong i so i think steepay might be the guy that can beat john Jones because his wrestling is very good. And that's how John Jones beat Cyril Gagne. I think I get that close. So it'd be hard for John Jones to outwrestle Stipe the way he did this French dude where there is no grappling.

So let's see. It's not that I want to bet on steepay just man if john jones wins by wrestling now steepay is hard to beat that way steepay's one and one against daniel cormier dot and you know john's two and oh against cormier i think that uh that cormier no contest i mean steve is very old too he's 40 plus now john jones is 101 against daniel cormier just to be clear and uh and and uh steve is also like on some experimental shit the word is he gained 20 pounds of muscle which is probably bullshit because i don't know how a 40 year old like dude mumbling he also can't do an interview he mumbles so much i can't i can't fucking understand him but i think

everybody you know what i don't agree with i don't agree that you don't know how Stipe puts on muscle. You think it's steroids? You're a subject matter expert on how Stipe puts on muscle. I can put 10 pounds of muscle on you in 8 months if that's what you want to do. You can go from fucking string bean to muscled up fucking dude. You just do your testosterone, eat your food, and lift your weights. But I don't know if Stipe's been doing that. I don't know.

Stipe's old. He's going to get smoked by Jon Jones. But I think everybody gets smoked by Jones. I don't think there's a man on the planet who can go into the octagon and come out alive if Jon Jones wants to kill you. So I don't disagree with that. But there are a few fights I want to see. And Nganou, who I know it's really unlikely, and Stipe are those two.

Sure, sure. I want to see Cormieru, who I know it's really unlikely, and Stipe are those two. Sure, sure. I want to see Cormier step back in there for another moment. What level of weapon, and you can't say gun, would you need to make it competitive with Jon Jones in the ring? So it's an octagon?

An octagon, no ranged weapons, no bows, no guns. It's got to be a melee weapon like a machete like a machete if he doesn't have a machete i think he's kind of fucked he doesn't john jones beats me if i have a machete and you just go like i think very soon john jones will have a mach. He does that thing where he grabs the blade and you're like, let's work on your self-confidence. Come on, man. No, he's right.

No, he's right. How about this? Because you're only going to get to hit him once. And I don't know about you, but I don't train my katana skills very often. You get one week. I'm not a sword master. Kyle, you get one week with the machete. If you choose a machete, it could be a sword i'm not a sword master what kyle you get you get one week with the machete if you choose a machete it could be certainly not a machete um i can't hit john

john you're only gonna get to hit him once with a machete before he takes it away from you then what are you going and then he's gonna kill you then what's your melee weapon of choice what do you think you got to be able to one tap john jones with whatever you hit him with it has to be able to cut through bone and flesh when you hit him when you hit him it. It has to be able to cut through bone and flesh. When you hit him, when you hit him, it has to cut through his arm. He can't be able to block it and take a flesh from him. Like a machete, he'd come at you with his big long arms.

You'd slice into him. It'd be bad, but then he'd have you. Think in another way. Like a Claymore maybe. What if I had some- Put out your keys between your fingers. That's what I would do.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no means no. No means no. between your fingers that couldn't be removed i don't know exactly what that looks like maybe your fingers go through the handle you know like ever see the knife that's brass take the knives to your hands yeah one up one down knuckle knife i know exactly breast knuckle knife okay yeah yeah yeah if i had that and maybe even in both hands yeah and is john jones gonna get double wrist control on me probably yeah and how's he gonna kill you without you stabbing him up like that might see see what i'm worried about it's a good idea yeah it's almost cheating like making it so he can't detach it from you you know i'm okay cheating. No, that's not cheating. That's still a melee weapon. What if his move is to immediately take a couple stabs, but break both your arms

severely? What's my head kick plan? Well, I don't know. Well, you're still stabbed. Your arms are broken. I don't know. He's just a very, very lethal human being. And he's just a very very lethal uh human

being and he's also like there are a lot of fighters who are like good guys and one of the things that that makes them never be able to be great is they're not down with hurting people uriah faber's like that like he doesn't like hurting people it's he's he'll stop sure he did i've seen him do it demetrius john j is a good guy. John Jones loves hurting people. A lot of John Jones' techniques are meant to cripple. He said a couple fights ago, he's like, hey, you step in here, I'm risking brain damage. I could walk out of here with a stutter for the rest of my life. So if fighting me, a consequence of fighting me,

is walking around with a limp for the rest of your life, I think that's fair play. He does this oblique kick where he hyperextends your knee knee with a quick kick and he has crippled people with it yeah you can yeah he does this thing where he locks your arm uh and sort of his armpit and sort of like lock like like whips his arm across and like hyper extend your elbow um he he fucked up glover i think maybe glovers yeah you're right zach can you show a picture of john jones that demonstrates his skinny legs so john jones is very tall especially at 205 like other people weren't his size and a big part of it is he has like no weight in his legs and calves so my point is he's very long. Typically now he's a heavyweight, but he's

usually very long compared to his opponent. And he uses that length to kick them right below the knee, like sort of that little gap under your kneecap. He kicks there on purpose to bend your knee backwards and just maim you. He eye gouges a lot. He's known for it. He has very long hands and fingers and 84 84-inch reach. So he'll put his hand in your face like this. So if you try to advance just a box, you're, like, walking into his fucking fingers. Because he's, like, he's not stationary. He's bobbing and weaving.

So his fingers are kind of, like, moving around over here. So if you move into his field of, like, hand movement, you get poked in the eye. Look how skinny his legs are. Like, he's all upper body. All his muscle is, like, waist and higher higher yeah yeah he doesn't have your calf genetics that's a bad story but that's i think that that's peak i i think that's the perfect form for a martial artist i i think that's it right there it's like long limbs and like this is the perfect form for a mark this is meta this is the meta if you're if you were building men to go into a cage to fight,

this would be your meta on game day. In weight class sports, I agree. If you take away the weight class, maybe still? I'm not sure. But like... How would he fare against Richard Simmons? Oh, it would be so fucking close.

Yeah. I'm taking Rich. A close one. He'd be all happy. He'll use his energy and his spirit. I love your shoes. Yeah. He'll kill him with kindness.

How are you going to hit Richard Simmons? That's the easy thing. I wouldn't want to strike Richard Simmons. He seems like a wonderful man. I'd wear you out. Yeah. And as Dick said earlier, he performed a wonderful service fighting the obesity

epidemic, which is, we're losing the fight, people. We're losing the fight. You're fatter than ever. The country's fatter than ever. We're bigger than ever is what I'm hearing. More stout. That makes us... More hardy. Yeah, but you don't remember

because you weren't a husky kid. Do you remember going... You went to the husky section? Probably, yeah. Like, my weight fluctuated throughout my life, you know, throughout my childhood. I definitely had a husky phase, for sure. Yeah.

Now they don't even shame children with the husky section. Oh, what do they call it now? The bravery section. Oh, thank God. Yeah, yeah. Look at you, a brave little boy. I choose to believe. It takes a lot of bravery to be a big fat piece of shit.

And to be like smug about it. Yeah, that's one of my favorite things you have, Dick, is your anti-fat hatred My fat watch? Yeah, you hate fat Well, it started like I do this thing on my show Like fat watch

Guys send in videos and like articles Of women being fat on purpose And then we read them and make fun of them And it's grown from like one tiny little email Into like an hour of content every week Like these fat broads are they're getting uppity they're trying to secretly record guys like reacting to them on airplanes because they're spilling over onto their seats

they're making their own towels fat women fat women have kick-started their own towels because they think towels are fat phobic. Like, there shouldn't be one size of towel. So they're making, like, they're making a whole new. They're not happy with beach towels. They're made for whales. Yeah, you need one like a bug bombing tent. Actually, I'd like a bigger towel. This sounds dope.

Okay, well, what do you. Go to the fucking fat lady towel. What do you get fat towels? It's called Towel is their amazing name for fat lady towels. How do I distinguish that from all the other towels? Good question. I don't know. I don't know.

They want to blend in. Stop talking about towels right now, though. Now you need like a team of towels for plus-sized women. Oh, yeah. Link it up. Kickstarter. I'm fine. I haven't actually looked at it yet.

This one's just a cover for a monster truck. Oh, God. It's the fattest room in the neighborhood. It's like a whole room. Like they cut out these gigantic rooms of towels, and then you get them wet, and you have to install special hooks in your bathroom so that the wet towels doesn't tear the towel rack out of your drywall. What? It's a whole lifestyle.

I love this kind of towel. That's a joke. That's a fucking joke. You do not need heavy duty anchors to support the girth and mass of a fat woman's stodden towel. You might. Yeah, you might.

What's it made out of? Lamb's wool? How much water is this thing holding? It's 100% cotton. It has to be really absorbent. A lot, man. Imagine how fat

a fat woman is. If you're going to get some towels, Woody, I highly recommend you go to the MyPillow guy. He's got his own towels and they're made out of some, he's got this like

Christian cotton. It's like grown in like the Nile River Delta or some shit. Picked by Egyptians, not blacks. They guarantee that. They guarantee that. christian cotton um it's it's like grown in like the nile river delta or some picked by egyptians not blacks that's they guarantee that they guarantee that there's a there's a little symbol with like a a black fella and like like picking cotton and then it's got like a like the ghostbusters thing and the black guy's going nope

you know it's only egyptian picked cotton uh it says the name of the egyptian we're like god muhammad's making a lot of pillows yeah yeah dude i i i watch fox news because i go back and forth between fox news and cnn because i watch it every day i like seeing to be misinformed from both sides i really do and it's interesting to me what they're focusing on because one side will think a particular item is very important all-en encompassing and the other side will be like in other news like they'll go they'll go do another thing uh whether it benefits them or not and that makes sense you know they're both playing oh this is what i've been wanting to bring up for a while do you know who the king of late night is the king of late night jimmy kimmel no david letterman no wait is this like Jimmy Kimmel. David Letterman. Is this a historical question? Now?

I have no idea. Sneeko? Stephen Colbert? The king of late night. Who does late night? Chelsea Handler? No. Who's the skinny guy that's musically oriented?

He does the lip sync. Jimmy Fallon. Yeah, yeah yeah him nope what other late night people are there gutfield over on fox news he blows them all out of the water the guy who advertised on the super bowl with the dog and that one guy in the crowd being like is this cultural appropriation and and then they're like ah these commercials are expensive let's let's get the fuck out of here because it was like they They did two 15 second spots that are super rushed and kind of silly. They're making a joke of them not being able to

afford more than that. They were expensive. They always are. What is Greg Gutfeld's show? It's like a news late night? Yeah, it's like late night kind of... It's funny and it's definitely more conservative because it's on Fox News. He has guests on there and they're kind of silly and it's more of a round table thing

i like him i've been i always watched him on my grandparents house i always watched him on the five you ever watched that show like like where they got like a whole group of guys i am so far behind the fox lore i'm not up with it you watch fox news at all it's the biggest news i i don't watch it i see it on at my grandparents' house when I go there, and it's just like, oh, this is why I don't watch this. You don't like learning the truth about your country,

huh? Is that it? Yeah, I mean, Fox just hits you with such a truth hammer. Tucker Carlson believes every word that he delivers to us. I read those text messages, okay? He believes in everything he says. No, you know what? I't i like hannity i actually do you know hannity was in uh what no i love hannity he's my favorite seminary he was in seminary did you know that he dropped out well i mean honestly sounds right good

decision like yeah no those guys guys... Woody was texting us at some point saying that their text messages or their emails perhaps revealed that they were much more liberal than their shows would suggest or their personas would suggest. How'd they lose? Oh, I thought...

What's the case? What I said was they sound like MSNBC because behind the scenes they seem to hate trump and they don't believe the election lie stories i didn't think they were liberal in their belief system those beliefs are liberal though i guess that's what i was saying that they held okay no i so for example i think they're for small government i think that but they also think that trump is full of shit they think that trump lied about the election they think oh everybody knows that oh well i'm fine with that that's actually the small potatoes because look everybody you got

to stand behind the boss even when he's lying right like like in any relationship right like i bet here's a little scenario right you're in a parking lot your wife backs into somebody it's technically her fault but because of the you know there's only one of him and there's two of you you got no we weren't even in motion. She had come to a complete stop and then the impact happened, which is it, sir. And by the election, did your wife hit him? I hear what you're saying.

No, I think to me, you're going to back her up. You're going to be like, first of all, he was slurring his words. First of all, he got out of the car and he said,'s nothing i hate more than cops i thought you should know like yeah tucker carlson hates trump right and i and i know that because he said that he hates trump passionately right that um tucker carlson sean hannity laura ingram none of them believed that trump won the election and i know that because they said that in their text messages taylor asked how it came out. They're being sued by Dominion.

And during discovery, they were able to see the text messages and find out that they have a group chat via text where they shit on Trump and his obvious lies all the time. They were saying Giuliani is a nut, that Sidney Powell is a liar. And, you know, these guys are just not credible while they go on TV and say that they are credible, that they do believe them, that they're big questions people are asking and justifiably so while they know that's not true. What's their response? Fox News has not covered it at all. Complete silence. There's one guy on Fox who does a show about the media,

right? Where he like tries to bad mouth on people who are lying, people who are caught in problems, et cetera. And he, for one second, he's like, people want me to talk about what's happening here at Fox news and I'm not allowed. That's all Fox news has covered it at all. I'm sure. Well, then they definitely know it would reflect so badly. It's part of that whole Dominion case though. Like, I think we shouldn't judge, so badly. It's very possible that he's part of that whole Dominion case, though. I think we shouldn't jump to the judgment and say that they're not willing to shit on their own doorstep until... Because of the nature of the legal thing. I hate that when someone's being railroaded or whatever, and they're like, he hasn't had anything to say. And it's like, his lawyer, that he is paying an enormous amount of money, has told him, you don't say anything to anyone.

Let me do my job. And what are you going to do? So I bet that's happening to some extent. Do you guys think that... But I love that that's true about them, that they at least know that... Because that's reality. What you said basically was they admitted to reality.

Yes. But then they lied to their viewers. Well, yeah. What were you saying they lied to their viewers. Yeah. What were you saying, Dick? They're selling ads. Do you think that a private company, when they're working at the behest of the government, should be able to sue people for speaking out against them?

You can say whatever you want about anybody in the government, right? First Amendment. out against them like you can say whatever you want about anybody in the government right first amendment but then the government the government hires a company to run voting which like the government is supposed to do that's like what states they have they have to control it so isn't it kind of like a workaround to hire a company and then say okay they're doing the voting and then if you if anybody criticizes them they're suing you i think the company has a little well what's going to happen is the company is going to lose the government contract if the public loses faith in them so they're like dude these guys did a billion dollars of damage to us our whole company is sunk because fox news lied about us but i think yeah

but i think that they're fra like i think the Dominion shit is they're all fraud. All their machines are bogus. All the software, you can't prove it, is totally bullshit. And anybody saying that gets sued? It seems a little fucked up to me. The government can just assign these essential services. What if they did that to cops? They just said, okay, all policing is being done by the Pinkertons

and if you say anything about them, they can sue you. That would be very bad, right? Well, you have to prove that you're knowingly telling lies, which is what they're doing right now. There's a defamation case where Tucker Carlson, Laura Ingram, Sean Hannity all knowingly lied right they're saying that these dominion voting machines were fake that hugo chavez came back from the dead and rigged it and said something about italian satellites changing the votes and all that like just outright super bullshit and because of that outright but but half the country believes Fox News, right?

What Fox News has done is years over years, it's just pounded into their viewers' head that you can't trust those other people, the other side. We're the ones telling you the truth. Don't believe the other side. And they don't even watch the other side. They don't even hear the other side because they believe Fox News is the only place that gives them the truth. And then they blast Dominion, basically trying to put the company out of business. And they do have a good suit on their hands, it seems, because they knowingly lied in an effort to destroy Dominion. I think they lost the election for themselves, too, because so much of the right is like, all right, vote.

And they don't even count our votes. Or don't mail in vote. Right. That hurt them. They would have had better turnout yeah i'll show the libs by losing every election yeah that ain't gonna do it you know i guess i'm what i'm asking is are you okay with the government taking essential services giving them to a private company and then when anybody chris criticizes the private company the private

company sues them because like well you're gonna make us lose this contract it's like well yeah but we you're providing yeah it's essentially government services uh i don't know it it seems fair to me uh because it's fair to me too even based on those messages it seems like there was a clear conspiracy um to to take out this this company. Regardless of whether it's true or not in reality that there's something funky about those voting machines, the parties who are conspiring don't believe there is.

They're conspiring with the belief that they're lying, that they are misleading people. Reality is irrelevant. What they've done is terrible. Tucker Carlson knowing he's like, look, our stock price is going down. We're going to lose viewers to Newsmax. And what's the other one? One America, something like that. Oh, yeah. We're going to lose viewers to them. Our stock price is going down. Don't fact

check me. Let me tell my lies and it's like oh my gosh you are knowingly lying with a profit motive pretending your news tucker carlson has successfully argued that's all news that no one would take yeah not like that tucker carlson has knowingly argued in court that no reasonable people person would believe he's telling the truth that is all satire he won with that argument he's a liar. It just needs to be out there a little more. This isn't news. People use Tucker Carlson to get informed about current events. He's a performance artist.

When I watch, I'm like, I like it. It's like a mean YouTube show. I don't take it as facts. People do. I watch him every day. hardly miss a tucker episode so would you say that all journalism like everyone should not trust anything that someone tells them

on tv that's fair right i i don't believe i don't believe much of anything anymore and i often like believe that there's more going on um like i thought it was weird how everybody piled on kanye just to that extent like i didn't like what he said either, but it was wild how coordinated it almost seemed. It's crazy. It was like somebody had a group call with a lot of powerful people. It only took one call, you know what I mean? That's how I feel about train derailment. It didn't have to spread through word of mouth.

It wasn't like, oh, yeah, this little sector of his life changed, and then I guess somebody over here heard about it. No, it was like instantly everything was gone. Yeah. Debanked. He doesn't know what to do with his money. He's trying to buy his own bank right now. He's like, it's going to run me about $50 million,

but I'm going to get my own bank. Oh, man. It's not going to help, bud. It's not? I have no idea how that own bank. Oh, man. It's not going to help, bud. It's not? I have no idea how that works. I don't either. Banks? Oh, yeah.

I mean, so I don't know if you guys remember that I made that Patreon clone like a long time ago. Okay. New project, too. Just to try to take ownership of of your of your uh content creation business like away from banks but i was slowly and immediately um taken off of every bank in america like chase bank of america uh wells fargo every every bank i applied for a credit card processing and a business account with, they would just immediately shut me out for no reason. Like they didn't like the looks of the business,

going through like this gigantic like underwriter approval process, and they would immediately turn it off. Can I pause you there? So literally if you walked into the bank and tried to open up a passbook account, something 13 year old kids can do, you'd get denied? No.

They would let me set up a business account. And they would let me set up a merchant account. And they would let me get walked through it and negotiate interchange rates for credit cards, which is one point whatever, an eight cents transaction. And then day one or day two they would kill the account they would call uh authorized.net or elevon and uh wipe out my account every single fucking time so i i could not set up a patreon alternative for people to use that was just like free that was like free speech say whatever you want i don't care what you say um if if there's a problem with it um take it to court and then the court will tell me to take you off so for like the last two years after that uh i created me and a bunch of guys

created a version of this like recurring monthly payment on the blockchain such that it cannot be turned off uh if if the government if whomever came to my house and put a gun to my head and said turn this like system off turn this account off i can't do it like that was the that was the prime directive of the what if i cut started cutting you can't do it still even then what if like i can't do it what if i took you and a loved one and i strapped you to chairs facing one another and you're in your in your night clothes and i and i put mirrors all around both of you so you couldn't look away from what i was doing it depends which loved one. I can't do it. I still can't do it. Shit.

Well, you got me. That's all I got. The war between traditional finance and Web3 finance is very interesting, and it's developing under our feet. How is backed by going? I'm sorry, I jumped in a little late there. How is backed by going? Sorry, I jumped in a little late.

It's slow because it's like people have to buy into crypto to some degree. Yeah, that's scary now. It's very scary now. There are stable coins where the token is worth a dollar no matter what. Exactly. And the company that owns it, BlackRock, owns basically the government and basically most of the United States. Like USDC is as good as money, but still getting people to sign up is still. Yeah, that's the way to go. I know people that do that with poker to make sure that the pot stays right and nobody skates on their tab.

They use the various dollar coins that are just always the equivalent of dollars so it's safe to put them in and out i think you just run into some transaction fees perhaps then um yeah i'll if i always just get somebody to stake me and be like you know just pay them back through paypal or something because i don't like fucking with crypto i think i'm yeah i always get them to turn it back into money. Yeah. Yeah. Eventually, what I'm telling you is we don't need money. We can just use these stupid tokens. Eventually, maybe we can go entirely token-based economy.

Yeah. Like Chuck E. Cheese. I want a universal basic incomes. I think everybody should just get a check. For how much? You know, it depends on the person, right? All the money we're giving to any other country in the

world, we take it back and we give it to all of us. Well, that's silly. Then all sorts of supply chains and foreign governments and ports go unattended, unsecured, and then who's making sure that some radium doesn't go in our food supply or or some explosion doesn't happen on some dock that's vital to our military

i think it's good to like keep our fingers in a lot of pies that's what china's been doing for they're like 50 year plan their 2050 domination plan is a big part of it is investing a trillion dollars in fucking africa and infrastructure and making those cocks, making everybody in Africa owe them yen forever. It's not yen, is it? Dongs. Dongs. I wish it was Dongs.

Africa sucks. Fuck Africa and fuck China. Let them go dump money into Africa. I'm not going to vacation there. Find people who have more than one job and take their money. Oh, no. That's counterproductive. That's immoral.

You just sound like someone with two jobs. I think you need to take people with extremely ridiculous hobbies. From hobbies that spit in God's face. Man was never meant to fly or travel. My new thing is we have a little saltwater reef tank.

Oh, my God. You're on that now. That's right. Yeah, yeah. Every morning we test our nitrates and phosphorus and calcium and magnesium and alkaline. Do you bang over it with all these hickeys and scratches? Obviously. They make the fish watch.

We got a native pair of clownfish. We're trying to provide a good example. Why the fuck do our fish keep dying? Well, our water's fine. They keep swimming voluntarily into the filter. They're role-playing. Woody's like, look at them, Jackie. They're watching.

They're seeing you right now. Oh, you dirty girl. That clownfish is watching you. Take it. It's a whole role-play thing. And the fish are watching. They're in the act. Down tap on the glass. I'm sure I've asked you this question

a dozen times, but have you ever been to the Atlanta Aquarium, Woody? Not the Atlanta one. I was always a Baltimore guy. But suddenly it's on our list. As a matter of fact, we're doing a vacation in Wilmington this weekend. We go on these vacations. We try to go every month. What they do is they go on a

fuck trip. We do. Nice. But this time we're going to the beach and there's an aquarium in Wilmington. We'll see how good it is. I've only been to like two or three. The Chicago one's great. Is it? Yeah, they have a sick aquarium.

I think everybody likes their local shit, but the Atlanta Aquarium is literally the nicest aquarium on the planet um it has some features that no one's going to have it's not debatable it's on it's the number one on like every list oh i'll sit here for the next one we have 19 minutes i'll fight you tooth and nail you know he'll tell you he has the best great great flags do i have that wrong? Six flags.

Our six flags is marginal, honestly. We're number one in granite. And we've got... Your monument's blown to flux. I happen to recall the fun we had with the DeKalb Farmer's Market. You've got to see the DeKalb Farmer's Market. It really is a cool farmer's market. You being me.

I want to go to your aquarium. It is the finest aquarium in the world. Whenever you time your trip, you should try to schedule... You need to look on the website and schedule time with the dolphins. You can have a private little splash around with some dolphins. They're the smart

kind that do tricks with you and shit um and i think there's a similar like sea lion experience where you get to play with them a little that's um and uh they have like some days they have the showings where they do that the dolphins do all their tricks and shit and some days they don't so you want to time around that but it's never all that crowded i think they got crocodilians what's the best animal to look at there oh i really like the penguins and the otters yeah yeah yeah the penguins and the otters they have very expressive faces but the beluga whale was the craziest thing because they're like thing there's like three of them the tank's enormous um the beluga whale is very cool um when you their hips look like human hips that are like joined together it must be hard to filter the

water like so i went to the i went to an aquarium in hawaii and they had a pretty cool concept for filtering the water they just pumped it in from the ocean so rather than like get the water chemistry just right they just kept it flowing from outside no they've got giant mantas it's pretty good they've got giant manta rays that have to be like 25 feet across or something like a couple of those and damn um probably the kind they don't let you there's this one wall that looks like an imax screen that's just a an aquarium wall and it's full of life. They got hammerhead sharks,

all that shit. Really, everything's really good. But the penguins and the otters, like the otters are kind of looking at you and sometimes they'll fuck. Like, you know, they're shitting everywhere. It smells in there.

Oh, yeah. The penguin house at the zoo here smells like shit. Do you have puffins there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those are cool. The shit uh do you have puffins there yeah yeah yeah the penguin house here has the puffins and they have those crazy eyebrows that are like bright yellowish yeah they're really pretty like little yeah they're and you're very close to this stuff like like you're like you know you could reach out and steal one if you wanted yeah you're very close to like i think there's some shit you can touch like those uh i don't know those little i don't know rays of some kind um i've only been to like three or four

aquariums like i said but this one just blows everything out of the water uh i mean no pun intended but the uh you know there's fucking sharks and whales in there i thought that was crazy oh and you can oh that's the other thing woody here's If you want to be a real big spender and drop $400 at the aquarium, you can scuba dive with the sharks. There's a shark tank experience where I think you have to be certified first, or I think maybe they can do it there. But you and a diver and maybe somebody else, you go down in a cage and they drop you in the shark tank uh basically um something like that that sounds fun i think we are gonna go um we've done the

baltimore one a bunch i don't know how many times i've been like more than 10 uh but never the georgia one we did one in hawaii that i thought was great but it wasn't on the list my list says that georgia's number two just saying how dare they saying. How dare they? Is one in China number one? It was Monterey Bay, which is in California. Oh, that's a good one. I've been to that one. That's a good one. We went to a zoo in Japan that has red pandas.

It's like the only zoo that has red pandas uh fuckers oh did they okay it's one of two zoos those little fuckers are everywhere acting they never want to do they don't want to do anything they they had like one red panda at the saint louis zoo for years and it was people would stand around hoping to see it maybe yawn maybe move a little bit yeah but it does not it will not move it's depressed it doesn't belong there should be like 20 in japan they're fucking going all over the place going to work yelling at each other Going to work, yelling at each other.

You can go to work yelling at each other. Look at that red panda yelling. There it is right there. No, they do make like a yell noise. I only know that from like a YouTube video. They like chirp, like a chirpy bark. I don't like that thing. I don't like the zoo because it's like animal prison. Like I feel bad for any animal that's there.

You just start raving about aquariums. Since you've been to prison, do you feel that way? I don't care about the fish. I don't give a shit about fish. The whales I feel a little bad for, but they'll be safe in there. You're right about fish, yeah. But whales, come on. They shouldn't be in there.

Okay, but it's so much worse what happens at the zoo. But Taylor, counterpoint, I find it entertaining. That is a strong point, because I do too. I'll look at them swim, and I'll be like, this is so sad. Oh, neat. Woody, how big is this aquarium that you're installing? How many gallons? It's small.

This one's 25 gallons, but we're already shopping at the next one. What do we want it to be? We're talking about, Jackie's like, what if we've removed all these cabinets and made this the fish wall or or something like that i'm like let's just see how much we like this do you have like an aquarium man that comes over and tends to the tank or is that no it's all your mind together uh like i like how you put on short shorts like i'm here i'm really into the equipment. I want the protein skimmer, the fucking ultraviolet filter and all this shit to work like at its maximum. Jackie's really into like the bug.

She's always looking for pests. What's good. What's bad. Like, you know, Oh fuck. We got copepods, amphipods in here.

These friends are foes. And, and she's in there with like tweezers, like pulling up bad guys and verifying good guys. And this is what we did. What's wrong with me? Parall parallel universe. Every time I hear a story about you and your wife, I'm like, wow. This is not how we build a more

multicultural audience. This is lost. All this shit is lost on our brown brothers. What the fuck are they talking about? He's a reef keeper, god damn it. You heard him. It's cruel! There are tens of people who love

reef keeping. I would be interested in some sort... I wish you had a creek on your property, because then you could make a pond. I've always wanted to do this in a pond. Have a dugout area with an aquarium wall so that I could

look through that glass into my pond and feed the fish and stuff from the top. You could see them down there in your pond interacting. I always thought that'd be cool. It'd be like muddy, ugly freshwater fish, not bright and pretty.

Whatever you want to stock the pond with. You could put anything in there. You could fill it up with beautiful koi. You know what koi look like. You could put bass and crappie and catfish in there. We're making a pond. The cow's doing an outdoor idea, though. It'd be freshwater koi pond. You could put like snapping turtles

in it. Yeah. You don't want those in there. Those eat the baby fish. They don't sound like friends. Jackie would pick them out with tweezers and throw them in the backyard like she does our whelk. I've caught so many giant turtles

out of our pond. They would be a couple feet from front to end. Heavy. 40 pounds? I don't know. so big like like a dinosaur no like there's we call the you know it's i grew up in georgia so we have our own names for things we that's a loggerhead turtle i don't know what that means it's just what we called it but uh but it was a gigantic snapping turtle oh no no that's another problem like like um you ever you know the

term jerry rig you know where you heard it's really jury rig though um people say jerry rig sometimes some people say some other stuff sometimes that's what i always heard growing up though yeah i always heard ninja rigs i've never heard it maybe have I heard of jerry rig? I've heard of the N1 too. It's not very kind. But I've always thought Well it depends on what jerry, you know, ninja rigging means to you. If it means tuning something to a very fine and particular

accuracy that's a nice thing. All the rigs I've heard are like you kind of duct taped your way to get it to work. With some bailing wire involved. That's exactly what it means, yeah. It means like, where does Ninja get this duct tape? That's crazy.

Yeah, that's not nice. And then I've told this story before. I always thought it was a weird thing. Jerry, like, am I crazy? I think it's jury rigging. German. But I could be wrong. Jury rigging?

I know that from reading it in Fallout. It's a perk. I think you get the jury rigging perk for your gun or something. So I'm basing it on how they spelled it. But they may have been going for a pun. I don't know the actual. I thought it was like German in origin. Jerry, like the pejorative for Germans during World War II.

I like that theory. That makes a bit of sense. I didn't know Jerry was what you called Germans. Yeah, the bloody Jerrys are coming. Band of Brothers, it was Krauts. The Jerry rigged it? They said Krauts all the time in Band of Brothers, and I'm like, that's... So which was it?

Was it Jerry rig or jury rig? Jerry. I think it started. Okay. Yeah. Look at us. Fact finding. Learning where words come from. Learning where words and sayings come from. It's sometimes thought that the Jerry

in Jerry Built or Jerry Built. Wow. Comes from Jerry as a use. Wow. You were 100% spot on, Dick. Because they have Jerry cans, too. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the famous metal gas can that's ubiquitous across like everything yep yeah they made so many millions of those i watched some sort of youtube short about that the other day uh the amount of jerry cans they made they had

like these particular specifications it was a whole boring ass documentary about jerry cans that's funny i did watch a youtube short about jerry cans is also and it was like it was cut this way so they could be stacked and i'm like wow why am i watching this they float when they're amazing amazing have you ever watched like a reveal and you're like like just like indifferent to it that's what that jerry rig can jerry can was not good yeah not good content not when i can watch that guy nile red throw fucking chemicals into other chemicals is that what you're watching right now what's your like main go-to on youtube right now uh open your youtube page and tell me about your recommendations it's mostly going to be i was

looking at it earlier it's like age of empires 2 stuff uh hockey highlights there's always like animal videos so do you want like the top bar the the words that are there sure um it says uh all or i can red letter media podcast gaming dc comics punch brazilian jiu-jitsu baseball history basketball dogs action adventure games recently uploaded and uh yeah that's it so that's what it's uh pushing to me i'm getting i'll say it real quick all news reef aquariums nba mixes podcasts gaming motocross i'll stop there i like it yeah dude it's funny mine has magic the gathering arena specifically let me tell you a little parallel and and my dad's universe i was on the phone with him today he had me on speaker and i had him on speaker my uncle was there and uh my uncle has advanced to the tiktok generation and so he's sitting there on

his phone on tiktok like flicking through it and dad's like kyle your uncle has a video here of a woman with a two and a half foot long titty and she's standing in walmart breastfeeding a little child that's got shoes on and is walking around. And I went, you know, dad, the way that works is it feeds you what, it shows you what you like to see. So that means that he's really into long-titted women in public. And I heard my uncle in the background go, damn right. And then I guess he flicked it to the next video and there's like there's another one this long woman's page and i explained to my dad how the algorithm works and i'm like dad what's

what does yours do if you go to facebook because he uses facebook shorts and he's like it's mostly like lawnmowers that have they put big tires on and like hot rod cars being modified. And like, like, like you should get into hot rod lawnmowers. That's like, yeah, I went to a lawnmower racing event once with my off-roading redneck friends. And it was pretty cool. There are all these different categories of lawnmowers. These things going like 50 miles an hour on a dirt track. pretty cool there are all these different categories of lawnmowers these things going like 50 miles an hour on a dirt track he likes uh building cars and then uh he'll drive them for six

months or so and then sell them he just sold his uh el camino i think for like 30 000 and uh he's about to start in i was like i'm always trying to get a free car so i'm like that what you really need is like a i think it's a 76 trans am it's the one that burt reynolds drove that's got the firebird on the hood i'm like you go get one of those and there'll be carburetors and intakes showing up at your house out of nowhere i'm like i'll help finance this thing he's like there is one of those sitting over i'm like say no more so i'm hoping i haven't seen one of those in like 30 years. He says he knows where there's a body of awesome.

He said it has the bird on the hood, but you know, it's all fucked up. It'd have to be redone. But I'm, I hope he, I would love one of those. That would be awesome.

I just watched kill bill the other day. And, uh, um, her character is, uh, the blonde with the eye patch is, uh, she's driving one of her character is the blonde with the eye patch. She's driving one of those out through the desert with the T-tops.

That's a beautiful fucking car. Do they still make Trans Ams? No. No. They haven't made the Trans Am since like 98 or 99. Trans Am was a Camaro, right? Yeah, it's the Pontiac version of the Camaro. It was a sportier,

tricked-out version with some niceties. It seems like, well, maybe I'm missing the retro wave. In 2005, Mustang did it and then Dodge did it with their Charger. But Trans Am seems like a fruit right to be picked.

Yeah, Pontiac went out of business, so they just do all those variants of the Camaroaro now so they have like this i think the zl1 is their like top of the line camaro the supercharged six liter probably the one that they throw up against the gt500 or uh i don't know hellcat something like that but their class for that pontiac clothes but i think they have the capability to make a pontiac badge just do it i'd be down with that yeah i'd love her to be a trans am i've seen trans am concepts um drawn i saw a bunch of um people stealing cars uh in a video i don't know why i'm phrasing it so carefully after what we did earlier um i saw these guys stealing hellcats. They stole six Hellcats in 45 seconds. It was like another Nick Cage movie gone in 60 seconds.

It was like some shit out of that. They essentially had the keys, but I think I saw one of them stop, put a fake license plate on, and then they just all got in the cars and left. They're in the showroom stealing the cars. They're stealing the showroom Hellcats. I don't know what a hellcat costs but if i would guess 90 000 and i bet there's a dealer markup on top of that so i think that's a six-figure car a hundred thousand dollar buy if you're getting a hellcat they took six did you see the tiktok trend of stealing cars yes the kias we saw the kias because so you can you can like um hot rod or a hot wire a kia basically

like they do in the movies right i i just read in the news story i didn't see the tiktoks but i i guess maybe hot or hot wired or maybe it's super easy to break a get going with a screwdriver is what i thought i'm not very sure that's what i kind of mean like you can like tear the bottom of the console off underneath the steering wheel and apparently like break the key thing off or maybe and just a screwdriver allows you to to start the thing up is what it sounds like and i and a certain kind of kia i think they were saying and then they're calling the kia boys and i guess for whatever reason they just drive like assholes they drive like it's mario kart so there's all these wild ass videos of them and it's it reminded me of those saudi oil guys who'll have like a uh range rover

like like uh like on two wheels screaming past going 100 miles an hour it's uh i don't know they're pretty entertaining but i feel bad for like the innocent bystanders and the car owners because you know you're driving a kia you're probably a working guy you can't that wasn't your second third fourth car it's not like they stole yeah a frivolous sports car maybe that was somebody's play thing they're like taking somebody's working vehicle and destroying it they're never getting their money back after a kia boy wrecks your shit so i feel kind of bad seeing those just like okay no i was gonna i was gonna say i felt bad with that drone video the other day where the guy's face got mushed in that uh that's that was upsetting when i first got this house i ended up getting a golf cart but i was shopping for a john deere gator which is kind of like a if people

don't know like a golf cart but a little more durable and uh there was scam after scam after scam on craigslist of john deere Gators. I don't know why. But I wrote one of the scammers, and I'm like, this is bad. You know, I love that dog. The people that you're scamming are working people. Like, people who guide John Deere Gators are not, like, rich. They're people who have work to do, and it seems especially bad. Kyle is going to come back with a rival dog. What's your dog's name?

Matty Ross. How old is that dog? Two. She's very big. Okay, okay, okay. That is a big dog. Oh, what a sweetie. Is she well-trained?

Does she do a good job? No, she's horrible. Not like shitting and pissing in your house, I hope. Oh, God, no, not that. I trained her to sleep until uh i'm not hung over anymore are you always in a battle against hangovers as it turns out taylor yes but it seems i mean basically it seems like you're winning it's a it's a war of attrition but you're keeping it in the alcohol will give up yeah It's a preservative, unfortunately.

Hopefully it preserves your tendons a bit. Because that seems to be a problem. Oh, we got another dog here. Oh, another pup. That is a floofy dog. I'm trying to make out the body part. There we are. That's Toby. What is that?

That's a floofy dog. Matty! Matty! Everyone's playing with their dog. Yeah, Woody, put your 250-pound dog on your lap. You know what's funny? If you did, we couldn't see his profile or anything. We'd just see dog chest

mid-height on your lap. Our dogs are old now. great danes live eight years my great danes are eight and ten just that's old whenever they want love they get it i'm like i don't know if there's a tomorrow with this thing one of them skin and bones we can't get her to eat any like more than she does it's good that you're seeing it that way you never know that's toby you've been down that road yeah what kind of dog dick was asking he's a bernie doodle he's half bernie's mountain dog and half poodle and uh he's goddamn doodles and he's about 80 pounds apparently seven

months old about about i don't know 75 80 pounds or so you remember when kyle got it woody and he was like he's gonna get to about 30 woody woody just started dying like wait a bernie doodle he's a big boy um he's he's sitting right next to me right now like watching the screen he watches tv um yeah i've never had a dog that would watch tv i sent these guys a video of him watching a wolf on some like nature documentary and he's like learning he's like all right all right balls all right yeah okay i haven't gotten him fixed yet because i want full i want full use of testosterone uh you know until he he maxes out. You should inject him. Dog maxing. Yeah, inject him.

He's got plenty. He's already, his balls have like a white stripe on them, so like when he walks, they're like wagging back and forth. It's fucking hilarious.

Yeah. Yeah, I love that fucking dog. My dog hates anime. Whenever she sees like anime on TV, she goes, eh. She's like, ah, she doesn't like it smart dog dude because of the

they see high frame rates so she can probably see like the evil that's like between the frames and that anime yeah this is just like Netflix preview page she just comes over and she's like ehhh whenever there's anime whenever we leave her at my parents house to go like to go take a vacation

take a trip or whatever uh my parents have an apple orchard they've got like 20 app not an orchard like a bunch of apple trees in their backyard and the dogs just sit outside and gorge themselves on apples so we'll leave her there for like five days and we get her back it's like a barrel they're always like no no no there's no apples in the yard we cleaned them up we got rid of them i'm like i fucking know it looks like a keg it looks like a dog for a head like oh she was like that when she got here like why in god's name would i deliver upon you a dog that's like 75 pounds like a fat guy with a suitcase before we got anderson gassy of course he had big swinging balls and like i mean this

i'm accustomed to having the biggest balls in the house and then this dog comes along and emasculates the fuck it's not even close yeah you need nudicles woody you got to get some nudicles, Woody. You got to get some nudicles. That's what I did. I have four now. Yeah. Four arms. Four arms. Four nudes. Boom.

Boom. That's the cosmetic surgery I want. I've decided. Nudicles. That's not bad. I wouldn't mind a third one. No. You want to keep the number even, of course.

No. The third one would be extra heavy, so the middle would be like real low and then there'd be like two amigos up up a pie watching his back yeah she's gonna love it when my when my when my tungsten testicles slamming she is she is you're so wrong like you just sold it to me you're like it's like a sled in football practice. You got a tungsten cube and you're nuts. I'm going to keep making it heavier. I'm going to stretch it with a magnet.

You know how when you run down the stairs at the right pace, your dick and balls slap your legs? Like, slap, slap, slap. Yeah, it's awesome. Yeah. Well, you want to support an underwear if you're going to ball bearing your testicles. I'm saying that you would hear, like, the clack of, like, a's awesome. That's a feeling that makes you feel like you're rolling. If you're going to ball bearing your testicles. I'm saying that you would hear the clack of a fancy office. Oh, like two of them.

Click, click, click. I like that. Yeah, you'd hear that instead. That's way better than my idea of getting 97 small ball bearings. Yes. Yeah, anybody can have big nuts. Why would you get 97 of them? But do you have 102 tiny nuts?

You put them just under the skin of your penis, like all over, the ball bearings. So you can cut them out? No, no, no, no, under the skin. Now your penis is studded. Ribbed for her pleasure. It's ribbed for her pleasure, yeah. Now does it stay in the same place? Fuck her.

How about pleasure for this guy? They move around a little, but the trick is to just pull it up. How about rib ribs for my pleasure Yeah let's rib up her tunnel That's the way to move Oh my goodness Well that's been a good show Everyone

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