Painkiller Already - PKA 787 W/ Christopher Michaels: Smokeshop Samurai

Episode Date: January 17, 2026

PKK 787. Our guest is running a bit late. Hopefully he joined soon, Taylor. This episode of PKK is brought to you by our merch, lock and load. Of course, better help. Talk more about them later. In huge news or retards, smart people already knew this. RFK is coming out today saying that Hulk is the best thing of all time.

He's saying it's good for you. He's doing like that 90s propaganda milk push, whole milk. He says it's great. I saw them post a graphic that said, make whole milk great again. I do have to disavow that. It never stops being great. It's always just because people fell apart

and started drinking almonds trash, and now they're going to come back to the light. So hopefully you guys, now that you know, RFK, which legally speaking is a doctor. This is not true. I'm saying strictly legally. He's a doctor.

From a legal standpoint, he's a doctor. What does his doctor in? Silliness. Dairy. Dairy. It's like Dr. Derry. It's like something Homer Simpson

would get caught up in like, I'm a doctor of milk. But yeah, that's great news. Getting more people drinking milk. Wonderful. It's tasty. It's delicious. People rip on milk.

They say, oh, it's so fatty. Oh, it's unhealthy. No. Listen to, listen to Dr. Kennedy. I put whole milk in my coffee, but I don't really drink big glasses of whole milk. Oh, you simply must. Give it a go.

Give it a go. You like. I don't know. I like that cashew milk. It's like 20 calories or some shit, and it tastes the same to me. It's better to me, honestly. It's just thin. It's thin.

It's not mine. Not mine. Mine is as much like thick mouth feel, like viscosity as milk does. Maybe more. It's kind of creamy in a way, like the way, like melted ice cream almost. and it's vanilla flavored with no like sweetener and it's just superior to milk in every way. If I was gonna bake or cook or with it or whatever

for a recipe that required milk like I'm making meatballs I'm making meatballs and need to bind together need a little splash of milk. Sure, we'll go to the whole milk then. But I'm not gonna like drink the stuff or like. That's what it's for. No, it's for baby cows. Wow, but we've repurposed it.

To drink. Yeah. Dogs. Exactly. You're a little Murphy and your little to be. be they should be pack hunting somewhere in fucking Montana but they're in your house because we adapted we overcame that's what we've done with milk we've turned it into something for us i can't believe you're saying that cashew milk that watery slurry is nearly as good as

i forget if i use cashew or almond creamer in my coffee but it's not watery it's it's pretty good although i will say whole milk is the king of milks the other milk may be healthier for you. I'm not sure. But if we're talking about taste, you can't beat whole milk. It's so good. It's a conqueror's drink, Kyle. You don't get it. I think Napoleon was the one who said that like his breakfast every day was a giant glass of whole milk where he was like it's a wonderful substance. It keeps me conquering until midday. It was like their gate. It was like blackish water. It would have been some sort of grove or something gross. Something also worse than milk. It beats the hell out of puddle water, I'll tell you. Look it out of Napoleon's beverage of choice.

If you told me that Lance Armstrong drank a leader of the shit before every race, I might get on board with you, but that's not the case. Oh, I think, Napoleon drank it warm. You never saw LeBron James run over to the sidelines and just take a big shot of whole milk to get him back in the game. Yeah, if he did, maybe he'd be the undisputed goat instead of like battling it out with Jordan and NBA like Twitter threads. If he played all those games on milk, I would I would put, I would make him my goat.

Yeah, yeah, because it weighs you down. It's a, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's meant for suckling babies who need all the calories they can get in one slurp. Tyler argument, you don't have to say, I'm not sure what emulsified means. Oh, I didn't consider that, did you? Did you? You know how oil and water don't want to mix?

Yes. And emulsory, when you get them to mix, that's an emulsion. You use an emulsifier to make that happen. So you could take like lard or grease and... Water and sugar. Water and sugar. That's soluble. It turns into a new thing.

Well, yeah, that's a solution, not an emulsion. Oh, fuck. I thought I understood it until you said that. Now, your point falls again. It's about binding. I think mayonnaise is an emulsion, right? Yes. Yeah.

Yes. Or a gravy is an emulsion where you've taken the water and the fat and the binded them together with a starch. Okay. But water and oil, let's say you took water and oil and had a magnetic spinner on it that made it like homogeneous just while it was being actively mixed. still not an emulsion because they need to bind in some way. Yeah, you need an emulsifier, like a starchy. It's the reason you take a little cup of spaghetti water

and put it in with your marinerossoce so that you don't have that liquid at the bottom so that you get the fat and the water to bind together and create this like gravy, basically. That's what gravies are. In any case, don't drink milk, folks. It's not good for you. Don't listen to RFK. I saw RFK frying a deep frying a turkey barefooted. You know, sometimes geniuses can be.

It's like operating a metal lathe with an 80s hair dude just flowing in the wind. He's just, that guy doesn't care. I was hopeful about RFK when he started. Kyle said something like three weeks ago. He's like, you know, I look at everything the Trump administration does in a silo. He does good things. He does bad things. And I call the balls and strikes.

I'm misquoting him, but work with me. Yeah, it works. And I think that I do that too. And one of my examples is when RFK came, I was hopeful that he would improve the nation's food supply. I was like, here's a guy who does know a thing or two about healthy food. For whatever reason, we use corn syrup as a sweetener in everything. Corn seems to be fueling our diets in a way overrepresented way.

The foods that are affordable to eat in America are bad for you. The foods that are good for you are expensive, even though the good for you ones seem to my simple mind to be like the simple, easy things to produce and make like tomatoes or whatever. and as opposed to the complex thing, like oatmeal bars I get in plastic wrap. Why is that cheaper than a tomato? I'm not sure, but it is by a lot. So I was like, maybe RFK will come in here and improve the nation's food supply. What we get instead a bunch of like vaccine conspiracy theories.

We've been doing okay with, or didn't he push some dye stuff? Yes, that's a good one. Doritos. Red dye, yeah. Which that, that honestly pisses me off. Good job. It pisses me off a little bit, not getting rid of the dye, but how easily Frito Lay transitioned their manufacturing away from these dyes?

It's like the fuck. So you were selling it this way to Europe the whole time. Like you couldn't have, you were like injecting stupid shit into our food that you could have, because I remember that was a pushback with like, oh, these manufacturing these lines would have to be totally reform. And then they just released the naked. brand of Doritos. Hey, it's good. Guys, guess what, guys? It tastes exactly the same, but now with no dies. It's like, fuck you. You could have done this years ago. This was clearly not prohibitive.

Why? How bad could that die before you. We've been eating that shit by the buckets full since we were children. I'm fine. Yeah, we're like the richest and least healthy country though. So that's not idea. That's because of our healthcare system. Like people are, maybe like, get a weird pain and they're like, who, hope that heals up in a week. or two. How much of it is the healthcare system? I think most of it is our lifestyle. Yeah.

Like, I would argue that how healthy your teeth are has more to do with your hygiene practices than what your dentist does once a year or twice a year. Well, yeah, but that's brushing your teeth, not what you eat. I mean, obviously it's a... Drawing a parallel. You need whatever you want as long as you brush your teeth properly. And also like...

Pretty much, but what I was trying to say, like, I would argue that your fitness is not about the health care system. It's about the, you know, the... routine that you maintain every day. Oh, I just think there's so much preventative care that could be taken care of and catch things before they metastasize and before things progress. Oh, my God, another voice that I hear about this colonoscopy. Stop it.

I don't want it. Oh, you only go together with a whole man. You can totally get an early one. That'd be great. I did it once before. It wasn't my cup of tea. I tried it. Taylor, you're not doing for several more years.

we've never done a colonoscopy on a man your age. You went in wrong. You know what one of my least favorite parts about a colonoscopy is afterwards as you Yeah, yeah, they all want you to pass gas. Their nurse is like cheering you on like, yeah, good. That's what we're looking for. And I'm like, do you think it would be uncomfortable in like the post area of every time I farted? I was like, I'm sorry.

Taylor, we could live together for 20 years and you'd be like, I don't think what do he passes gas. I just, I've never heard it. Yeah, yeah. I would want, that would be my target for you to think that I've never passed cast. Yeah, I'm saying to it. You won't even, you'll, you'll, you'll never be aware that I, that I fart. You'll, you'll, you'll, you'll, you'll, you'll, you'll, to fart around people.

You shouldn't do it. Even if you're comfortable enough to let loose a fart, it's rude. I don't like it. I'm that way too. If some other couples think it's funny and they do it together or whatever, knock yourself out, that's not for me. Um, but yeah, post colonoscopy, they're all like, got their ear on you listening for your passing gas and I'm just I don't want to do it.

I'm even a little pickier than that. Like if someone has like a big wet nose blow, I'm like going the other. Get out of here. Why is that? I don't like it at a restaurant. I don't like it at a restaurant like a table. It's like that's too much. Like if you got like a little and like like like dig a little with a napkin, I'm okay

with that. But if you're just honking over there, just clearly like having to fold the napkin up to to stow away the snot. Like, you should have taken that to the bathroom. Why is that socially acceptable? I can remember in high school, right? Like, there would be a box of Kleenex towards the front of the room. Someone would grab a Kleenex, stand at the waistbasket near the door, and just honk it out in front of 30 people in class.

And I'm like, why is this socially acceptable? This is worse than farting to me. It depends on the setting. I'll absolutely blow some snot rockets if we're working and I got to get some shit done. I'm just, what would you do? Before you did that, you'd probably walk two paces away and you'd turn away because you know it's a gross out. I will blow them on you. If I'm doing that, I'm going to see what comes out of me. I'm going to blow this thing and try to hit a flower with it or something. Try to kill a bumblebee. That should be the next social thing we push for is like blow your nose in private, fart in private.

That's a lacking of our culture. We need to fix it. That reminds me of a, that show an idiot abroad where Carl Pilkington goes around. that like goofy goober British guy to different countries and experiences their culture. He was in China and he was on a bus like going to the Great Wall of China. And what's funny to me is like I never picture like the same way like Americans all go to the Grand Canyon. Like that's not surprising to me. Of course you're going to see a bunch of Americans in the Grand Canyon. America is massive. Most of us don't live anywhere near it.

But in my head I was like I didn't consider that everybody who's going to visit the Great Wall of China is Chinese because they're from like a different area. they're just visiting their own their own landmark. And he was sitting on this public Chinese bus. And this woman next to this old Chinese lady in the seat next to him has a plastic bag and is spitting into it like every 40 seconds. And he's sitting there like, I thought it was just this lady. But look around the bus. Everyone's gobbin every two seconds. I don't understand it.

Why are we gobbing? China was right about the social credit scores. Oh, that's a sitting culture. Maybe that was a necessity. Because I have heard that, even from my Chinese friend, she's like, yeah, spitting is like, people don't even turn away from you. They'll just like be looking at you talking to you and they just spit. So turn. I can't even get it out of my American head to turn.

Yeah, I don't like that. So at least we're past that. But yeah, blowing your nose, farting in public, shouldn't be. Or at least like, the. The only place it's kind of, and not, it's not acceptable and I don't do it, but it is funny, is you can get away with some nasty farts on a plane because of the amount of noise. And you can left cheek lift and then just. Are you sure you're getting away with me?

I was just thinking about Rothsuffing in the hallway in high school. We would be between, I thought about this last night, about this putrid fart that I let out in ninth grade. We were, the hallway was just full of people shoulder to shoulder moving forward. And I was just just crop dusting. And it was hot. I could feel it was hot back there. I was like, this is a rough one. And the smell was catching me.

And I was like trying to escape it like in a disaster movie. I could feel it like encroaching behind me. And you and I could hear every now that a person behind me go, ah. I remember he was in the locker room in like eighth grade and these two black guys, this giant fat black guy Marquise and this other. like star of a football team best running back Courtney and uh Marquis farted trying to like fuck with Courtney and Courtney just started you on he's like oh shit man you sick you sick you

got to go to the doctor that ain't normal you sick you sick to say it was like then you walked into that quadrant of the locker I mean it's like Marquis I really do think you might be ill like this isn't this isn't a normal person's fart this is ranc this is fourth grade I had some kind of fruit juice that didn't agree with me and I had I had to pass I had to pay I had a fart. I had a fart. I couldn't not fart. And in my head, it was either going to be silent or just like the smallest of whatever. It's fourth grade. It wasn't. It wasn't. It was a trumpet that blew for 12 seconds. And the teacher stopped class. She's like, you kids are disgusting. You're disgusting. And my fourth grade mind is like, maybe she's talking about something else.

It was squarely aimed at me. That's so funny. You're thinking that as your like fart is still finishing? Like, E! I was like, that was a lot worth I thought. It was bad.

My buddy, we were in seventh grade English, my teacher paired us off and the floor was tile of this classroom. He paired us off and like, we had to go do some stupid English shit. And me and my teacher, my buddy were sitting, my buddy,

we're sitting there, we're working together. And he looked at me. And like, this is, uh, like we're 12, 13 years old.

Social, like score is very important. You can't be farting in class. All the girls are going to know, that's going to, that's going to spread around. And he like looked at me and he goes, listen to this.

And he thought it was going to be like a, like a more airy, like a, fart. And, but it wasn't the like, the, the,

the breathy fart. It was, uh, because we were sitting on tile. he left cheek lifted and then it sounded like a machine gun it was like and then and then i in one of my it might be the most benedict arnold i've ever been in my life i like scooted away from him on the tile and started laughing at him in order to distance myself from it and even to that day like i felt almost like that uh that soldier who was crying on the stairs and saving private Ryan.

Like I should have fought for him. I should have had his back. He like walked to lunch afterward and it was like, sorry, I sold you down the river there. Dude, I had a friend. He would fart and cough at the same time.

Just like bam. Thinking it covered it up. I don't think it covered it up. Hey, what's up my, Christopher? We're just talking about gas and school stores. Anyway, he would fart and cough at the same time

that he would cover it up. And then he would recruit me and himself to breathe deeply as a way to like filter this air and get the smell out. I was not participating in this. I'm like, I don't want to inhale your farts. Like I think you've got too many.

Filter my fart out with your lungs. No way. No way. So I think he was asking for a step too far. I think he was to. Chris, have you ever ripped ass badly in school? Yeah, we were watching a movie one time in like third grade and like it was just like one of those

snuck up on you and it was like right. We're like all the classes kind of emptied out in this one little center area. We call it a pod and it was like concrete floors like echo chamber and it was like some loud whatever you'd play to like third graders and it was like right at the one quiet part. Like I like sneeze or something and one just snuck out and like it was like a ripple effect. Like 200 third graders were all just like. like shirts over their mouths like oh my god like there was no walking away from it like whatever number of cool points eight year old me had managed to accumulate since kindergarten were

immediately erased and gone into the negative and I was probably in college before I worked my way out of that one it's embarrassing and sometimes you just can't you can't hold it at least not as bad as like when you gamble on one like in some other country or something and you know you gamble on enough fart you're going to lose one eventually so It's always kind of funny. You're talking about it. I always come in and it's like, I usually have some technical issues because I'm a moron. And then there's always some like super weird part when I come in.

So it's always something scatological. So it's kind of funny. I think it was horse semen the last time. So I won't take farts any day. Farts are funny. They're good. You're talking about rolling the dice on a fart. I'm on a tremendous streak.

I haven't had a miss on rolling the dice on a fart in many years. One of my buddies, this was like a year and a half, two years ago. He was like, yeah, I mean, at least once a year, I would say. Like, we were talking about, like, beefing it up and, like, missing a fart and, like, sharding yourself. And he was like, oh, I mean, easily, like, easily once a year minimum. And we were all like, once a year. Like, like, every time you show up to a new Christmas, you've shit your pants again. That's astounding.

You're 29. That's a pretty terrible like rollover plan there. Horrible. But it really just made me thankful. Is that what you said at the Thanksgiving table? Yeah, I'm thankful that I don't have to roll the dice on it. I'm thankful for my winning streak on Sharts. Haven't fired out a loser in a while.

I love those videos online of people like having to shit in public. And you can see that moment of desperation where they just duck into an alcove next to a potted plant. And it's like, here's the spot. This is it. The best one ever, though, the lady shits this disgusting pile of shit on the floor and then falls into it. She trips, falls into the pile of shit. And it's like this, this is the worst day of her life. We're seeing it right now.

Like, this is it. This is the worst day of her life. Oh, she fell into it? I've seen them stop. Like, they're at a dollar store in line. And they're just like, shit, right here. And they literally. pull their pants out and just like

shit a turd out while there's like people with an arm's reach and then shuffle away. I saw an Indian guy pooping in public on a Twitter video and his poop was so long that it was still attached to the app

even after a full ground coil. It was astounding. I'd never seen something like that in my entire life. I have been to like India and Morocco both. I have seen cats just walking down the street,

just pop a squat, like, yellow line in the middle. Like, Morocco, a lot of the backstreet just have like sort of a V to the street itself. And it's been that way for 4,000 years. And yeah, they just pull a robe up, drop it right there, keep on walking. India, it's sort of involuntary.

But, like, yeah, a lot of countries, man, they just see it completely differently. You know, it's just like one of those, like, would be like, you know, sneezing on a martyr train. There, they're just going to pop. a squat right in the street and it's just like walking off man like they didn't even blank twice you just got to watch where you step talk about this isn't my story of it I used to do woodworking I knew this woman who was also a woodworker in her 40s or something and uh she was in the army and she wasn't

like she wanted to be one of the boys not treated as a girl something different than everyone else and I wasn't there but I guess the latrine had some like it was in the air and you could see the poop drop underneath right. The person had privacy, but the poop was exposed. And she's going to the bathroom and everyone's watching. She's like getting attention for this. Apparently, she dropped like a 48-inch fluorescent light bulb out of her ass. And all the boys were like shocked.

Her sergeant was like, well done, corporal. And she became one of the boys in that moment. And she shits like a man. Oh, that's horrible. I guess you're bored in the army. A lot of downtime. Nobody had Plinko or Uno or any game, so it's like, let's watch this lady shit. I wouldn't like that.

That would also make me treat her as one of the boys. Ironically, I'd be like, wow, any even semblance of attraction I had towards. Yeah, it's gone now, which was what she was targeting. Like Taylor, I had a really long winning streak of like winning on the shart gamble. A couple months ago sometime in 2025, it went wrong. Not bad. Not bad, bad. I even had a hope that perhaps while I didn't completely win the gamble, my underwear was still fresh, it was not.

And so now I'm in the bathroom. I'm cleaning the situation up and I'm trying to hide it from my wife, which I did. I cleaned my underwear in the bathroom sink and then I hid the underwear in some like less used cord. Did you clean the poop out where you brush your teeth? It was a guess I was a guess. No, where it's $1.

Base. And I cleaned it out, got that fresh is new, put the underwear somewhere, hit it for like three days while it completely dried out. And then I slipped it into the laundry. She's none the wiser.

She still doesn't know. Wow. That's a real Ocean's 11. The mover you pulled there. I love that. A buddy of mine dropped a backhoe through the top of a septic tank one time. Okay.

It was bad. It was like, I guess, however many feet underground they should have been, it was about a fourth of that. And he was moving something around in the backyard and just like the weight of it just caved in. And it was just like, true made man right through the ceiling into that thing. Like, it was, I wasn't there for it, fortunately. Did he fall in there? I don't, I think the tractor went in.

I think he was able to leap to safety. I don't remember anything you like, but just the fact that you now have like an open pit sewer in your backyard with no real mains to cover it up and also having a 12,000 pound tractor stuck in it. It was, yeah, it was bad, man. I wonder if he dug himself out with the backhoe. A backhoe, no, that's not, I'm thinking of an excavator. Backhoe, that's trickier. Yeah, well, I mean, I guess if you had to pick one in,

the backhoe's got like the little arm on the back and the bucket in the front. I guess you get theoretically lift yourself out of it. To be honest, I don't really remember the technical side of it at the moment. I was just more, you know, enamored with the idea that he had like totally seen. Killing crashed his way into a Settam. I had to. Okay, go ahead.

No, I said that's a terrible day at work. You think you're just driving your fun tool around and then you fall into like old poop. I had this house in Athens, Georgia, years ago, and I'd built this like Zen garden in the backyard, fish ponds, all this kind of stuff. And I planted a, like a weeping willow tree that was about the size of a golf club.

And within probably a year, you could have climbed it, within two years you get to build a tree house. And this thing just almost like overnight became this giant tree. It took over my whole backyard. And after a few years, I realized it had like tapped into my septic tank at the house. And it was just this like like full time fertilized willow tree became this like superhuman willow.

It was a it was kind of scary. But I guess it kept the septic tank from getting overflowed too. But my worst experience was years ago. I lived in Atlanta. And the, I had like a. a basement, like an apartment, basement apartment that had a sump in it. So imagine like a 50 gallon drum in the basement, in the floor of your basement that had a pump in it.

And I get like with a downstairs shower and the toilet would get up to a certain height, the float would kick on and it would pump everything like 10 feet up and out to the city sewer. Well, the pump failed. And like, like it just like one day a shower pushed it over the edge. And suddenly there was just like two inches of poop water in the basement. You know, I'm like, oh no. So I call a plumber and they're like, you know, I live in like the edge of Dunwoody. So I get like the Dunwoody upcharge.

So like, yeah, it's going to be $3,600 just to come out. And I was like, man, forget that. So I took like a like a motorcycle rain suit, like the cheap vinyl ones and like some booties and like literally duct tape it up, made my own like hermetically sealed hazmat suit. Got like a state respirator and like two bleach buckets and a couple of five gallon buckets. And I like just if I had like an air tank like an old like diver, like old time. he sponged out for back in a hundred. Like, I just put on the paint respirator and some goggles and just taped myself up and just went on there and like scooped out probably, I don't know, however much a bleach bottle hole, half of that, probably 80 like scoot.

I mean, I had to scoop out 40 gallons of that stuff to fish that pump out. Oh, it was so gross, man. It was just, I still get like. Did the suit hold out? The suit held up. Yeah, I was very careful. I was like one of those people in those movies with like the megavirus in the CDC. lab, you know, it was like, hermetically sealed.

I was sweating like Oprah Winfrey at a Merle Haggard concert in that thing. Nothing was getting in there, man. I was, and that was even my house, but still, I got to draw the line somewhere. Yeah. Oh, that's horrible. Oh, it was bad. I just, like, through the rain suit, everything. I just, like, literally, like, got somebody, like, cut me out of it and just, like,

walked out backwards and just, like, pushed it into a lawn bag and, uh, still got flashback. facts. Still over $3,600, but. No more poops? No more poop issues in the house? No, after that it was good. We had to have a house rule.

Like, these are the things you can flush down in the toilet, and these are the things you cannot. And after that, it was all good. And now I... That's a rule to lead with. And then sold the house. It's somebody else's problem now, but I should have left him a poop suit behind, but it'll be his problem.

I saw a guy, I don't know, I don't remember what country it was in, but I remember he was brown, and he's sort of supervising a manhole in the street. And it's, the manhole has, you can see the water. The water is only like six inches below the top, the roads level. And it's like this brown, murky shit water. And he's sort of like supervising the hole kind of on one knee. And I'm like, what's he guarding that hole for?

And then a man comes out of the hole with scuba gear on, all covered in shit. He's okay. He'd been down there in scuba gear doing shit work, like turning knobs or something. I bet that he's not even getting paid enough. No, no. There's no way he's getting paid $5 million a year. What is enough to be a scuba shit man. Like, Jesus Christ, do you know how dangerous E. coli is?

Like, it's, it's... Is there a poop underneath the manhole covers? I thought it was just rainwater. Again, I don't know what country this was. They had a scenario going on. Okay, okay. I bet you've plugged up somewhere. Well, we've had a scenario here in Georgia recently.

So Lake Lanier is like our kind of big reservoir lake up here. It's a huge lake. I don't know how many square miles it is, but it means vast. I mean, just sailboats and yachts and hundreds of miles of shoreline. But there has been such a massive population influx up here in the last, definitely last five years, even the last three, where like literally like the water system here, the sewage system just cannot handle it.

water coming out of the sink. It just has this funky mold smell. There's been all issues. They've been just building apartment complexes on like every flat, every field, every little nice meadow, every mountain top. If it is horizontal and not already occupied, they are building five-story apartment buildings everywhere out here. And this is like rural Georgia.

I mean, I'm an hour north of Atlanta. There are just so many people. The water can't keep up with this. We're having to like run water through like a Brita filter and the fridge filter. I got to let the shower run for 10 minutes far. I get in there and it's still a little funky. Like, we're going to have to rig up some kind of like household water treatment center.

It's just like, you know, for 50 years, we had a water treatment system here that was probably set up for 200,000 people, but now there's 800,000 people in the span of a few years, and they just biologically can't keep up with it. And the water here has gotten gross. I'm like, man, you know, this is like, you know, I mean, you guys have traveled. Like, you kind of take for granted things in America, like the water's clean and the bridges don't collapse and the power comes on, but we're getting to that space. bought like there's just like it's like the door in Titanic like everybody can't climb on we're gonna

sink but i'm looking at this video now you're your turd scuba man like that's yeah this is a different turd scuba man uh this is some this is a sewage pipe he's working on this is a different guy yeah yeah and the guy in the farm bucket hasn't surfaced yet or they're too that's julio he can only spread a long time you're doing like a diving bell with the yes oh my god these guys are they are over their heads in shit water and to go underwater and work on it, their buddy is holding a five gallon bucket over their head and then pressing it down as they submerge themselves to create this little diving bell of air for them.

Oh my guy. You know, like, Tird diver was not on that cat's job application. And you know, like, you'd have like that one buddy that would like pull it up too fast or like tip it just to prank you, you know, like let all your air out. If I get in my mouth once. I don't understand how it's even helpful because it's not making them that much. much lower in the water and there's an opaque white plastic bucket over his head. He's doing handwork though. He doesn't need to see what he's doing. He's turning valves or

attaching something that he could do blind, but he can't reach it. Just needs to reach 12 inches lower, I guess. That must be it. That looks terrible. Yeah, it's like I've had a lot of jobs that I didn't like, but like I don't not like them nearly as much as I used to. Yeah, I wouldn't want to work with shit. That wouldn't be, that would be on the bottom. into my jobs. Crime scene cleanup.

That's always just gruesome. I'd rather do that than the poop stuff, I think. I don't actually know because there's going to be poop at the crime scene stuff too. Well, see, at the crime scenes, though, sometimes they don't find people for weeks and weeks. It's not just crime scene cleanup. It's like dead body cleanup. So some guy that just passes out in his armchair and they don't find him for six weeks and it's hot Florida heat and he didn't have AC and his like cats.

are in there eating his eyelids off. You got to go clean that shit up. Have you guys ever worked at a restaurant? No. You know, McDonald's for a week. Coldstone for one day. Never got paid. I got paid at least.

The very lowest man on the totem pole at this boardwalk grill. And mostly what I did is I spent hours and hours peeling potatoes. But when things went well, I got to be like a waiter up front. Anyway, the smell of a restaurant dumpster will, for, ever live in my mind. And it just instantly trains any joy that I feel in my body just right away.

And now just passing one, it reminds me of my like 14 year old job. I grew up on a chicken farm. I've smelled things you can't even perceive of. It's like pinhead in Hellraiser. I have such a good show you. You open that thing up

and you look down and it's like a horror movie. It's moving with maggots. There's, there's, there's just, the, the bodies have turned into this purple jelly. And it's just writhing. And if you listen closely enough, it sounds like wet macaroni. And the smell is indescribable, but you know it for the rest of your life. It's like when you, it's like what you open a can of tennis balls, you know that smell? I know the smell of opening a chicken pit. It's just as ingrained in. They can picture it as soon as you think about it. It's awful. So you and I both growing up on farms.

We had cows, but my neighbor's farm was chickens. And I know exactly the smell you're talking about, although thankfully I only had to smell it a couple of times. I had this summer gig where I'd take like a bobcat and like scoop out the chicken houses and then they'd go like put it in a spreader and dumping on other people's fields and all. Yeah, yeah. But so you talk about the chicken pit and also. Oh yeah, that's a different smell. But they did have a pit. However, when so like there was the, you know, you walked into a chicken house and like they all run a

away from you, but there's like the 10 or 15 sick ones that are kind of dizzy and just sort of wandering around in a circle and down off your feet. So anyway, this is all like my life growing up. Well, then, you know, years later, I end up marrying a girl from Augusta, Georgia, and we're down there all the time where her mother and dad and all that. And they had a chicken restaurant called the chicken pit, kind of like in the movie strode race. And there was a different place called the dizzy chicken. And like their logo was just this chicken that was just kind of had like the little cartoon lines around his head. I don't know why he was dizzy. But like, both places they like to get chicken from.

And all I'm thinking of is like the chicken bit you're describing and also like those sick feverish chickens that won't run away from you. Like both of those brandings were obviously made by chicken restaurantpreneurs who like had never been to an actual chicken farm. It's like neither of those things you want to associate with the chicken you're eating. Like cattle farming isn't really that smelly. Even if you've got dairy cows and they're shitting in those stalls and you're washing it away with a hose like cow manure doesn't smell that bad.

like something about cow manure. It's sort of earthy. But chicken shit is pretty obnoxious. Most people find it to be real estate ruining in its odorous nature. But pig shit. The chicken farmers look down upon the pig farmers. I'm going to tell you that right now. Because their shit is like this liquid just paste that gets washed and stored in a lagoon.

They stored in a big open swimming pool basically of liquid pig shit. and when they empty that motherfucker out, it's like a biological weapon went off in your county. Like you can almost see it in the air. It's a stink cloud because they spray it through like irrigation systems, like over crops. They just spray raw sewage onto the fields with vast, like thousand meter long, like irrigation systems.

It's so nasty. Yeah. And like biologically, like they're like closer to. to us than the chickens or the bovines are, you know, hearts, lungs, organs, that kind of stuff. So like, yeah, the similarity of like pig waste to people waste too is, is to, yeah, it's like, yeah, man. There's a better way to do. They have that here, right?

I used to fly my paramotor over these pig farms. And when they put the sewage on the crop, it's like this traveling sprinkler that shoots down. And it's only like two feet above the crop. It doesn't spray through the air like you're describing. dumps right down. It's still awful, but it must be better. Here they're taller, like they're taller than a maybe 10, 12 feet tall, and they spray down too. And they're all, they have, they have tires and motors on them. So yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Arm that's moving across a 200-acre field or something like that. And it, it stinks the world up. It stinks the whole

world up. It's, it's so disgusting. I feel sorry for the pigs. Like the chickens, the chickens are just, you know, they're playing. Chiggins are retarded. Who cares? I feel like they don't know how to suffer as, but the pig, like, I see those pigs on the internet, man. That guy was feeding his pet pig pineapple the other day. He's like, let's see if Billy Boy likes pineapple.

And he's eating the pineapple and he's giving it to the pig and the pigs who are like, like clearly savoring the pineapple because it's so tasty. And the pig is sitting like a dog because he's been trained to sit on command. He's like, look at him. He ain't got to tell him to sit. He's doing it for us. And I'm just like, I don't want that thing to suffer. Dude, that's how I feel not just not.

But cows are like that, right? Like, how many eight-year-old girls on Reddit have cuddled like little cabs or something in the grass? You have, yeah, I used to go to a restaurant. I can't believe my father had a client when he was an accountant. And he had a like petting zoo slash restaurant. So you'd like meet the food a few years before he's. served it. No wonder he didn't do that well. But anyway, yeah, I would like bottle feed the cabs and they'd suck on my thumb and stuff. But cows are sweet. Cows are very nice. It is with guilt,

but I eat them. Yeah. If you spend too much time around cows and pigs, you're going to start to feel bad about it because especially cows, they're very, very sweet. And if I spent too much time dwelling on that and staring into that particular abyss, I'd end up just eating chicken and fish. And that is, I will not abide that. I can't eat fish anymore. I saw that thing on Reddit with that maggot crawling out of the raw fish. And I just picture that every time I consider buying fish now. Now I don't eat fish. Zero fish. It's like eating lamb chops. Like you can taste the innocence. Yeah. Or like veal. You go to an Italian place and they always are like trying to get you to buy the veal.

I ate veal last week. Based it in its own mother's tears. I make my meatballs out of veal pork and beef. I got to have the veal. And I don't regret it. I don't care about those baby cows. Those meatballs are so good. Those meatballs are so good.

Did y'all have 4-H when you were growing up? Oh yeah, I was in 4-H. Yeah, like I did like the shooting team. I did the science team, but I could never do like the raise a calf or raise a sheep or raise a pig. Like I knew I would get too attached to the animals and I would have like a, a, yard full of them. So I stayed away from that. There was just no way I could like bottle feed and name and get attached to some cuddly animal and then go. Did you have to slaughter it at the end? Like my dad had cows anyway. So like it could have just lived with us, you know, on our land.

Yeah. I mean, I was not allowed to have done that. But yeah, I think people did. They just became like pet cows. But I believe some of them, yeah, I did go off to go become lunch meat or whatever. And I just stayed away, man. I was just like la la la la la la. I just didn't want to know, man. I'm, I like, animals too much. You only have to meet a couple shitty animals to like prejudge the rest of their entire species because for many years I thought all pigs were like shit heel rude mean animals because on my grandparents farm when I was little they had a hog that would chase us around and that scared me because I was little and it was fucking huge. This thing would run around and chase you. The hog would chase me and the rooster would chase my brother and the rooster would like jump

up one day and like like tag the back of my brother's calf and like made it bleed because they have those little spurs allans those little spurs. Yeah and then my grandpa killed both of them and fed him to us next time and I remember I remember even then like he was probably trying to pull a joke where he's like

Hey Tyler how is that bike and taste you know who that is? That's old Wilbur doing shit like that but like in my head I was like fuck you Wilbur I remember like this has been like 30 years ago. So my

uncle got my aunt what she thought was a Vietnamese pot belly pig for like Christmas or something. Like it was like whatever that was the popular cute pet of the time. This had been like early 90s. So like he goes and buys one from somebody and gives it to her. She's all excited. And at the time they had this dog named Pearl,

which like this little kind of RCA dog. You know, she's about the size of a cat, little short legs, a little spot over her eyes. She was super cute. And like some other puppy and then this pig and they're all about the same size, all about seven or eight pounds, thinking that they're all going to stay this cute little size. Well, obviously the Vietnamese potbelly pig, he paid several hundred dollars for, it turned out to just be a baby big ass pig.

And within like a year, this thing is like six feet long, a couple hundred pounds. Like this pig just became like a riding size giant pig. But because Pearl was like this little dog, she was the adult dog, the puppy, which grew up to be a giant dog and the little pig grew up to be giant in their mind, like she still had mind control over them. So she's like walking around their yard, but this like posse of these, like this giant dog and this giant pig. But they'd get too close and she'd snap at them and they'd all cower away. Like she had like complete mind control over a 400 pound pig and she was just this little dog.

It was pretty cute. But the pig eventually like reached maturity or whatever and started getting a little aggressive. And I think he became bacon as well because, yeah, he just turned into an asshole. But it was pretty funny for a while, though, just watching this little tiny dog have like this posse of these giant animals. Yeah, pigs are too smart for their own good sometimes. I have a book about the making of the movie the African Queen. So we're kind of changing gears here a little bit. So, you know, John Houston, this is Humphrey Bogart, Catherine Hepburn, you know,

is a great classic black and white movie, the African Queen. They filmed it in Africa. And, you know, of course, they brought the whole crew over there. And they hired a couple local guys to go out and like hunt and bring meat back so they could feed the crew. And one of their guys was going out. He was like buying meat from some of the local tribes. out there. This is in like the 1930s, I guess, like Central Africa. So he's been getting this pig, long pig, they called it. And they're like feeding to the crew. They're making hamburgers.

They're making chili. They're making fillets. All this kind of stuff. This went on for like weeks, according to the book. And then after like several weeks in, somebody else figures out that like long pig was their word for people. Like long, like we're like pig meat. And I've dissected a couple of bodies before. my ex was a med school and we would check out bodies and dissect them. Like, we look just like pork. So, like, Humphrey Bogart and Catherine Hepburn and John Houston and all these other famous people, like, literally were like eating humans on the set of making the African queen and just had no idea.

I mean, obviously, when they figured it out, it was like, yeah, yeah. And Daniel DeLewis thinks he's a character actor. Exactly, exactly. Humphrey Bogart, unknowing cannibal. Wow. I would be, I'd be pissed. Oh, yeah. I can't even imagine.

It's like, you know, and then there's that joke, you know, like two cannibals eating a clown. One of terms of the other says, does this taste funny? Would you be pissed? The hundred was arrested, apparently. Yeah, I mean, on an ethical level, I mean, like, get that Charlton Heston, you know, Sullya Green is people. But yeah, man, that would be disturbing. It'd be like that scene in a Rocky Horror Picture Show, like, you know, like Frankenfurter serving him, Eddie.

you know like that'd be horrible to discover you had been consuming things like wait a minute I get the experience but not the guilt or the responsibility just the prions just the brain parasites or whatever a prion is yeah exactly I do not do brains man there's some scary stuff in there um ethically objectionable thing I've ever eaten I've had dog before in Vietnam which was embarrassingly good and I didn't quite intend to try it, but like I thought it was just, I thought it was pork on a buffet and I had to go like, look it up, see what it was. But that's about the only, I mean, I've eaten some weird stuff, but dog was about the only one that I would not eat again on an ethical level. Does it say kind of dog? Did it just say dog or did they have a breed? Just dog. And I can't remember the word exactly. It's like, it's like choy, but you say it with this weird inflection. But it tastes like this kind of slightly sweet sort of like fragrant pork. Like it's delicious. Like I'm embarrassed how good it was. was. I did go to this little village that had a dog farm. And it was just like this corral just full of like chowls basically with like kind of short hair like like, like, you know, like those

rescue dogs that the hippie girls always have. It was like that kind of looking dog, you know, about 40 pounds kind of fur like a kiwi fruit. But like I got, I had a couple of, I was doing a lot of photography then. And like I got this photo of this dog like looking at me through a slat in the fence. But it wasn't like, it wasn't like your golden retriever or your dog that wants you to like throw a ball and play with him before they. eat him. Like, it was just this complete blank stare, like no recognition of, you know, personality or anything like that. Like, though you think. If you adopt to that dog, he wouldn't fall in love with you and become your pet? I don't think so, man. They had this kind of vaguely aggressive

look on his face and like, and like people over there, like, have pet dogs, but there's like eating dogs and then pet dogs. I guess it's like if you have a pet parakeet, but you eat chicken, you know, like it's that kind of deal. But yeah, but like there just wasn't like. It sounds like, dog got to you. He's not so bad after all. It's just like you have parent for pet and eat chicken. He can't even like this sweet pork. You go to some of these markets.

Most of no feel pain. He's a special dog. Oh, the chows, poor guys. Yeah. So this is a story that you may have to edit this out because it may come all vaguely racist and I don't mean it to be. It's just on top. topic. So in college,

I'm in college and there's this Chinese restaurant in town that we in Athens, we all thought it was like a mafia front because there was never like more than like one or two cars there, like even like Friday night, date night. And like on Saturday afternoon, they had this buffet that was like, and again, this is like 1992. But this was, it was like a $3.99 lunch buffet.

Like just whatever they had left over from the night before, or all the broke college students going there. So this one day, it's just like me and my friends at one table and like four other dudes at a different table about 20 feet away. We're the only people in the restaurant at like noon on a Saturday. And we're there eating our crab rangoons and whatever it is we're eating. And like all of a sudden in the kitchen, you hear like a small dog just yab, and then just whoop and then just whoop and silence.

And like we all kind of stop like mid bite and like we look over the other table and like they're looking over at us with the exact same look on her face. And we're like, uh, and then, you know, a minute later, there's like very, very fancy Jackson lady's got like a nice, like a nice suit on, you know, like a lady's slatters all over it. Oh, yeah. And she, well, she's got a little dog, like a pomeranian in and she's walking around like, you know, how was your lunch? She's a good, you know, she's being very cordial.

And obviously what happened was like the boss's wife's in the kitchen with the dog. Something sets the dog off and they're yapping. And like, somebody is like, oh, the people at there think we eat these things, shut the dog up. And somebody must have, like, slammed a mixing bowl over it or something. And then suddenly they were like, oh, no, I bet they heard that. Go show them the dog. Go show them the dog quick. So, like, you know, so she's out there, praying the dog around, petting the dog, you know,

just asking about her lunches. But we're, of course, dying laughing. We're like, man, can you, like see them like at the Humane Society? Like, you know, we need a new dog. And they're like, we just gave you a dog last week. They're like, oh, that dog ran away. We need a new dog. Like, big, big fat dog.

Yeah, I think you misunderstood. I think they were showing you the dessert menu. Oh, it's good. Yeah, and then, you know, hypocrisy. I ended up eating dog 30 years later myself. So I can't judge or anything, but it was just, it was one of those like cultural collisions back in the day that. And again, I'm sure I'm going to regret telling that story somehow. But you may decide to turn you off with the dog supply if they think you're up to no good.

I had a girlfriend whose friend, like she adopted this cat. She hadn't had it long before it got the zoomies. If you're familiar, they get excited and start sprinting around like in bursts. Yeah, that's bad. I have two. I have to barricade out of my office right now for that. well he got the zoomies and he ran headlong into a door and broke his own neck and fell over dead instantly. Oh no.

And she saw it happen and couldn't even. She was like, it was like I was in a movie and I couldn't believe the comically absurd thing that had just happened before my eyes. And it took a good 15, 20 seconds to come out of it and realize little Cooper was dead. So she goes, so she grieves. She gets the fucking cat, um, um, um, um, in. incinerated. She's got his ashes on the on the on the on the fireplace got a little paw print next to

it and she finally she's like I finally got ready to go back and get another one so she goes back to I don't remember if it was fur friends or paw pals something like that some punny animal adoption agency and they're like oh we see you you got a little tabby from us

just just three months ago how's little Cooper doing so he died oh no what what happened a little Cooper he got the Zumi's and ran into a door and broke his neck. They were like, oh, okay. They wouldn't give her another cat. They didn't believe her.

They didn't believe her story and they cut her off. They wouldn't give her any more cats. Like, as if like watching your own pet die is not traumatizing enough than to be like labeled a pet killer, that's horrible. Poor girl. They wouldn't give her another one. The cat ran into a wall so hard it broke its cat. neck. That's what I'm saying. They didn't believe it either, but she has no reason to lie to us.

She could tell us she got mad and stomped it to death and we'd be like, damn, that's fucked. You know, what are we going to do? Turn her in. What kind of lady is this? She has like, she has like neck tattoos. Like what? No, no, she's, you know, school teacher, like put together person. It's 25, you know, normal human being. Known her since I was 13. I don't think she killed this cat. That, I know for a fact if I adopted a cat and it died that way, way, I would think, like, no one's going to believe me. No one is going to buy that this cat killed itself because cats, as you know, are notoriously spry and flexible. And so to like run it,

like, have you ever heard of that story of like that Croatian or Serbian basketball player that like got mad at a call and then rammed his own head into the post? Paralyzed himself for life. Paralyzed himself for life. And that's why they now add like pads there. So if some retard gets angry, He has protection. Like, and that's that level of thing. Being seven. Being seven feet tall and paralyzed, what a burden you are to everyone around you.

Oh, my God. You could just get some of that. I won't have to, like, amputate some of this. You're just hanging out everywhere. You don't even fit the bed right. Like, do you need your legs from the knees down? I don't think so. They should optimize you.

Like how they went to, like, more simple iPods. Like, just chop. Turn him into a nano. Yeah. Those legs don't work anyway. Maybe a shuffle even. It's a iPad nano. A iPod Nano.

Yeah. Download. It's a little joke. That's just an nightmare. Just the little brains from Futurama and the like goldfish jars. I don't want to live like that. That sounds terrifying. I want to be able to.

Oh, yeah. Well, you're paralyzed anyway. What does make? I don't know. I just feel like looking at actually, if you're paralyzed in the neck down, I guess I would prefer to live in the globe. Although like, you know, you know, you're never. you're never getting, you know, up and going again.

Even if you're paralyzed, you hope that maybe, maybe they fuse my spine together, be gross. The guy's mobile gets to move around, the brain in the fallout TV show. Oh, I haven't seen that episode yet, probably. Is that episode three?

It's last year, too. Oh, I don't remember a brain moving around. Yeah, in the vault. Oh, oh, just the brain is in the thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that seems like hell as well. That seems like, like a hell that's incomprehensible.

Like I don't even know what that would be like. That's that's straight out of like cosmic dark future sci-fi. It used to be like an upgrade from full-on paraplegia. Like if you're, I guess I'm making the guy almost a vegetable. I'd rather die in my mind. I'd just rather die. I don't want to be like in some spider bot crawling around the floor making quips. Like I'm just just put me down.

Yeah. It would be unsettling. I'd try to stay friends. Taylor's not nearly as funny now that he's a brain inside of a spider bot He's a really slow texture too I'm sick of it I don't know like with the eight legs though you can maybe get like super fast though It might be the opposite

We were talking about like dropping something really high Like if I was paralyzed It'd be my last moment of freedom as I enter the end That'd be dope That's how you want to go To death I mean really high we want to assure death, but yeah.

Oh, that's slow. The, yeah. Have you all seen that story? It's like Bill Burr has that story about the some guy in California that, and he tells this kind of a comedy thing, but this guy was like his wife had passed away. He was sick. And he like chartered a helicopter out of the Pacific and jumped out of the helicopter.

Yeah. But he made it somehow. And like, oh, it's, oh, it's a, see over that, San Bernardino. There's to be freeze all over here. Wait, what are you doing? Wait, no! No! Oh, God! Oh, God!

Put your seatbelt back on. No, put your seatbelt back on. Oh, my God. That was such a funny thing. But I did, you know, it was an hilarious bit, but I did like, he gave the guy some props. Like, you know, he was like, you know what, I'm going out on my terms and I'm going to do this my way. And, you know, I respect that. I mean, you know, go.

You imagine getting back to the airport and they're like, how'd it go? You're not going to believe this. I need you to deposit that check right now. Right just now. We were talking about the alpha animals, and it reminded me of this clip. Zach, if you can show that, audio isn't that important.

It's just dogs barking. Oh, yeah, this is great. And like how we, I knew you would have seen this. How weird it is when, when like a dog who doesn't seem at all imposing is like the king of the castle. Because our little analysis is like,

why does not the simply bigger dog take them out? Like, yeah, a bunch of dogs or audio listeners, a bunch of dogs. So this dog is bullying everyone. Every dog's scared. There's one or two that I feel like could stand up to him, but they don't. And look, look. Look at this big black one.

When they see this guy coming, they fucking get down. And he's like a hero. Wow. I feel like there's been some sort of like prison power. play made at this. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's like the first day that dog walked in there. He found the biggest blackest dog he could and he bit its balls off. And here he is. There he is right there hiding. Oh, no, no, no, balls. And now everybody's terrified. What's good is that like he looks the scrappiest of all of his like her. Like it looks like, oh, this this one probably has been there the longest.

That's why they respect. I think that's neat. Oh, gee. Dogs are so awesome. I can't believe you've ate so many of them. I just ate the one. And that was just the one time. But yeah, I was, I never did it again. It could be like a McDonald's burger where it's really like 40 cows you're eating you. Yeah, really. You remember that thing? It's back in the 80s, I think. There was like, it was like some rumor going around that McDonald's was serving worm meat and their burgers. And McDonald's handed it like in this totally gangster way. They were like, are you kidding? Worm meat is $75 a pound. Like basically like not that we ethically wouldn't serve it to you. it's just too expensive and it's not cost effective.

Like it's 10 times what beef costs or something. Anyway, that was way back in the day, but they handled it great though. That's funny. It's like earthworm, I guess. It's supposedly like super high protein or something. I've never had it, but it's, I guess it's some like one of these like super meats or something like that. I don't understand how McDonald still does so much business. Like every time, all I see, I don't eat there, but I see online, I see pictures of what their patties look like now.

And like I saw like, they were like, this is a $9 fillet of fish sandwich. which is what I get when I go. I like the filet of fish. Make your face. Make your face. It's delicious. And it's like smaller than the guy's palm and the fish is sticking outside the, like, miniature bun. It's like a slider.

It's not a good deal. You're fourth, fifth, six, seven down the list for me. But your breakfast fast food number one. Oh, Bojangles. You're right there. You got Bojangles up there. Man, McDonald. I haven't given it a chance.

Oh, it's. So Bojangles has like, I don't know if you like grits and stuff like that. but they're like scrambled eggs are good. They're like sides for a fast food place. But it's mostly about the Cajun Filet biscuit. And they have, their hash browns are huge. They're like silver dollar size and very thick.

The problem is like a small order of hash browns from Bojangles. Sometimes it's three hash browns, three little rounds. And you're like, the fuck happened. But they're good. They taste like oniony. They need to learn from five guys.

Yeah. Egg McMuffin, sausage cream muffin, something like that, orange juice and their hashpies. brown is perfect for eating while driving. You know what's the hash brown at McDonald's cost? It's like $5.

God. I just can't. I just can't do it. Like McDonald's is like below Panera bread for like just nasty. Like I don't think it's even real. I went to town recently and I was like it was like the only restaurant in town was a McDonald's. So I roll through and I get like what seemed to be like the least offensive thing on

the menu, which was like a chicken grilled chicken, crispy chicken sandwich, country fried chicken sandwich, whatever. So I get in. Of course, I'm driving. I get down the road. I'm eating it. I take a bite. And of course, I eat the fries first because the fries are good for like 30 seconds.

And then they turn into shoe strings. I'm eating the chicken sandwich. I'm thinking about it. I'm like, what does this taste like? And I was like, if Yankee candle made a chicken-scented candle and then you ate the candle, that's what this tastes like. It was just the most like vaguely, like they just sprayed some chicken on some wax. Like it was so nasty. I just cannot do.

I'm far from a food snob. I'm like a raccoon. I'll eat anything. But I can't do McDonald's man. You're tougher than me. It's just. Okay, you're driving, you're getting lunch, you're on the interstate. What's your, what restaurant are you looking for?

I'm a Popeye's guy. Popeye's chicken sandwich with some red beans and rice. That's my jam. I'm with you on Bojangles though. Like all the spicy chicken, but Bojangles, Popeyes, all that. That's the jam. It's like, at least it's like real food where like, like, like I can look at that and tell it was definitely chicken.

Yeah. Like I've got that way like with like Zaxby's, but like the Zaxby's chicken fingers used to be like this or now like, they're like baby carrots. And I'm like, I'm not giving you $13 for 2.2 ounces of chicken. But it's good, though. I've eaten in my car while driving before. And maybe it was the amount of Popeyes I was eating. But like when I got out of the car at my destination and stood up,

like there was an audible sound of the amount of like chicken skin falling off of me onto the paper. I was making a big mess of myself, like a like a fat idiot. And so that's embarrassing. And also it's like, you know, I don't have the most. windows on my car. I like I like pull up to a stop sign and they see my fat ass eating fried chicken. I'm gonna, they're gonna bully me. They're gonna be a sandwich that we weren't talking about eating like drumsticks and thighs. Oh, well that's the only thing I'm ever going to get at Popeyes. I'm never going to buy a sandwich there. I'm gonna get I'm gonna get wings. I do. Yeah. Lace sandwich is very

good. Their sandwich is the jam. The closest restaurant in my shop over in Stone Mountain is a Popeyes. But like the service there is so awful. Like it's almost. it's like kind of a game sometimes. Like I have pulled up, you know, 12, 30 in the afternoon and set at the drive-thru and said it the drive-thru and like Googled the place and called them and was like, yeah, are you going to answer the drive-thru? They're like, what? Oh, yeah, hold on.

And like, they just literally forgot. Like, it was awful, but it's kind of a game, like, how bad is it going to be today? Or they'll be out of everything. Like, those just be like, we're out of chicken sandwiches. I'm like, okay, well, how about some stress? We're out of those two. Okay. give me a couple of breasts.

We don't got those either. Like, we have nothing but shrimp. I'm like, how did you like just have a trap? Yeah, I've had that too. I've gone there and been like, can I get the wing combo or whatever? Like, we're out of wings. And it's like that's such an essential part of your business. Like that's such a big part.

Like it would be like Culver saying they're out of burgers. Like that's ridiculous. And also like, you're right. Go to a chick filet and then immediately after go to a Popeye's. because Chick-fil-A, they're almost like blowing you. They're like, are you having a good day, sir? Can I refresh that? My pleasure.

And it's like, man, what a nice place. You go to Popeyes, and it's like they're fucking daring you to drive away. Oh, yeah. They'll be like, Popeyes, what the fuck you won't? I mean, we had a chicken. Well, shit. That's what I'm here for. I'm not here for the pizza.

There was one around the corner for me. and Tucker, Georgia, and, like, they were so hostile. Like, me and my buddy would literally just, like, go through the drive-thew sometimes just to see, like, how hostile they would be. Like, it was just this game, which I guess was kind of snobby on our part. But it would always be coming back from, like, you know, $3 cafe or something. Hey, let's pull through Popeyes and get some nuggets. Let's see what they say.

And they would just be awful. Funny chicken places. They're consistently so terrible. They're the worst in the game. The way everybody's like Chick-fil-A best in the game, customer service, Popeyes, they're like, what you're going to want to do is be slow and rude. That's what you to do. I mean, it was like they were going to throw something through the window at you.

Like, they were just so angry to be there in the first place. I'm like, how bad could it be? I mean, you know, you probably make more money than I do. Isn't this like your favorite thing? I love fun chicken. I'm so mad all the time. So funny chicken places. So there's a little town called Lexington, Georgia,

kind of East Georgia, tiny little place, probably has a population of 3,000 people, 2,000 people. And they have a restaurant there. It's called Chicken Express. I don't know if it's still there. This has been years. It's called Chicken Express. It used to be a Hardee's. And kind of like Pizza Hut, like you can tell when it used to be a Pizza Hut or a Waffle House.

The Hardee's had like that angled thing outside. With the singles. So yeah, obviously used to be a Hardee's, but now it's Chicken Express. And it was like the jankiest, like, third world attempt at a restaurant. So like, you go to the drive-thru and you. drove over like an air hose. Like you remember the ones like back from the 80s and the 70s to ding-doll. You go over the air hose and you pull up it with the old Hardy's menu and they had taped over it with paper with like a printout of the chicken express menu. But at night when the light came on, you could still read the Hardee's menu like through the paper.

And like so in the speaker like so you pull up and you think there's going to be speaker and I'm not making this up. A kid would like come out of the restaurant kind of shuffle down the sidewalk and stand behind the menu thing. and like you would just talk into the menu and then he would write down what you ordered and then the same kid would like walk back into the building and tell you to drive around and you pull out into the window, the same kid who shuffled out to write down your menu

like your order through the big menu thing would just hand you your food out the window. Like it was so sad. Like it was like a school play of a fast food place. Chicken was banging though. They guys wearing a lot of hats. It was hilarious. It was just like he'd just shuffle out

and just standing here behind the wall like working the Chicken Express. I hate when you can see the buildings that used to be pizza huts or used to be something turned into something else. It feels sad and tragic. I drove by a dispensary the other day here in St. Louis. And it was very obviously a steak and shake. They hadn't changed anything. Anything.

It just said like weed here. Like Missouri Farms marijuana. And then it was just a fucking steak and shake. They should have made it baking and shake, and they could have just sold some milk shakes to the back. What are they doing? These are real entrepreneurs. These are one entrepreneurs, all right?

When I see that, I think small-minded people, you know, we got to do something about that signage. Take advantage of it. Don't be a victim of it. I would have preferred it to stay a steak, steak and shake. We don't have enough of those anymore.

We have way too many dispensaries. I actually don't like steak and shake because I'm not going to eat a 1,200-calorie milkshague. Their burgers are fine, but those shoestring potatoes, go cold after three seconds of passing through that window. That's the most part of enough to hold on the seat. Yeah, it's all surface area.

Yeah. So you know, sign, so down near Savannah, Georgia, there was this string of gas stations that were called, they were like called a Sparko, I think, like SP, A, R, C-O, Sparko. And in some point, somebody bawled them all. And in some sort of third world thriftiness,

they just changed the name to like, parco. So they just moved the S to the end of all the side. and just changed the business name to Parkos gas. Hell yeah. It was like, I mean, it was kind of brilliant,

but like you could still see like the rusty circle where like the S used to be. It's like hanging off the end of the big portico over the gas pumps. But they were like, fuck it, save some money. And they just had his brother-in-law or somebody come out and just moved the S down. Like it was, it was kind of sad,

but kind of awesome to you. Like, that cash, man. The, uh, the, we had a pizza hut that, became a sex store near where I live.

And, like, you still had, like, the roof and everything, but we could have a joke. Like, we would joke about, yeah. The, like, what the salad bar? Like, what's on the salad bar now? It's like, it'd be, like, like, condoms in the thing with all the croutines. And, like, the thing, it'd be, like, the ladles of the loob. Like, all the sex store stuff would be laid out in this, like, I mean, we're just joking. We never actually saw this.

But in our heads, we would make up the salad bar, but now it's, like, sex stuff. It's the salad tossing bar. Oh, I'm proud of my Zolitan. I should add you around for that. That was awesome. There's a sex store in Huntsville, Alabama that's in an old bank. And they do, I guess for like public safety, whatever, they'll give away, like, free condoms and stuff like that. And if you go through the drive-thru, they'll send the condoms out and the little thing that the bank used to use, like the little pneumatic cylinder.

Yeah. You could pull up. I didn't actually do it, but a friend of my telling me about it, but you could pull up and they would like, shump. And it would, like, pop in the little thing, and you unscrew it. As a kid, I had a fantasy. having those tubes throughout my home and using those tubes to like get dinner to my bedroom from my mom and stuff like that some sort of richy rich fantasy like child fantasy i look every time we go to the bank like that had my undivided attention holy shit we're here the tube she's putting the canister they like hang on a minute and she fucking send that tube so fuck what was that and then mom would put her like check or like whatever she's doing her paperwork in there to shoot that blu that bluish that my fucking mind as a kid. That was some Star Trek shit. I remember being in the line there watching my mom or dad do the same thing.

And my like honest to God, like eight year old thought was like, God, working at the bank must be so fucking cool. I really thought because I really also, I overestimated the power the bank had. I assumed those men in there were far higher status than they were. I was like, these are the money, you guys? Oh, yeah, they're in there, like, screws been ducking it through a swimming pool full of quarters, you know? Yeah. So imagine if you had like, what if you got like really bad customer service at the bank draft through thing?

And you went back through and waited for the same teller and you put like a mouse in that thing. They'd probably catch it because it's translucent. They go, don't open that one. There's a mouse in the tube. Watch out. Yeah, exactly. They have scanners, whatever. You know, she just snatched another thing, takes the cap off and the mouse jumps out on her.

And that would have been hilarious to like watch, like, do the bulletproof glass of the drive-thew. I saw a police box. body cam video where the guy was out there by the pneumatic tube shit and he had climbed up into the roof of that and was trying to get into the bank that way. You know, they've got that big overhang that you pull under to do the tube shit and hit the ATM. He had crawled into that ceiling and was trying to make his way into the ceiling of the bank to then rob the bank. Which like even once you're in there, if you don't have tools, there's nothing you could do. But then, of course, his huge bag of tools falls out first. And it was like, all right, well, he was prepared.

And he was like immediately like, yeah, I was going to rob the bank. Didn't go. You caught me, though. Man, I want to go on like sleepwalking or something, something they can't prove. I don't know what happened. I just woke up in the ceiling of the bank. But you said you wanted to be dropped from a plane in just a horrifying end of life event. I would.

It's great till the end. I would 100% rob a bank carelessly. That's how I would. that's how I'd do it. Yeah, I would too. Very old west. Would you be disappointed though if you were good at it? If I started to get away, I'd be pissed because it'd be like, fuck, I'm like dying of cancer and I'm good at this and I never tried it.

It turned out, I'm like the best at robbing banks. I've robbed like 12 of them this week. They think it's a black guy for some reason. Look at this pile of money I've got, but I've only got six months to live. For some reason, it shows me in the rear view I'm applying. You know, I figured on going out, whole hog. Taylor, the lips are almost too big.

You're going to blow the gate in the steam. But on the good side, though, you could be driving like East St. Louis just like making it rain out the windows of your car. You could do like the leaf blower thing. You could just be like the Johnny Apple seed of cash. Just try. You'd be famous. You'd be a legend forever.

Just throwing all your. Is that what you do? Is that what you do if you're in a Bruce? Billsters Millions scenario. For those I don't know, Brewster's millions, you have to spend a million dollars this week to inherit like 50 million dollars next month or whatever's, but loosely the scenario. And it was in a time when a million dollars was a lot more money than it is now. Maybe I could like, probably been a day he had to spend it. No, because he ended up spending it on a political campaign. So it was some longer period of time. Okay. Yeah. It's still true.

Was it the premise of the movie was that the guy giving away the money smoked a cigarette as a kid. So his punishment, his father put him in a closet with an entire pack of cigarettes and told him to smoke the whole thing to develop a distaste for cigarettes. So he's trying to make this guy have a distaste for wasting money before he gives it to him. And he succeeds, I think. Yeah, it's a good movie.

Well, I mean, I could get one of those rolls of quarters from the bank. That'd probably fit in like a 10 gauge. And then I'm driving around. I'm firing the wealth at people now. Now they're going, I'm, what's this guy doing in his rented limousine from the back? He just killed my child with $12 worth of coins. What a nice guy. No.

Bruised at worst. Like, they would, well, yeah, that would really fuck you up. Okay, well, maybe I'll get a teacher can and I'll put a bunch of ones in it. Yeah, that would be, yeah, make it right on everybody. Yeah, everybody better than throwing rolls of nickels, your original idea. See, this is why you have, you've, you've, you brainstorm. This is what you work through things like this.

So I think that would be fun, firing money at people, being cruel your last couple days. I wouldn't succeed, though, because I feel like they have a button at the bank they can press and then some walls going to go up. Like,

and then they're just going to chill until the cops kill me. Here's a guy loading a shotgun with dimes. Oh, so years ago, I had this friend of mine told me this story about, he was from like upstate Michigan, and he and his uncle and his granddad, they were just kind of like crazy Michigan wild-ass people.

And he had this story about his uncle who supposedly, according to the story, this is like in the 70s, gotten some high-speed car chase with the cops, and he's out on some turnpike and I don't know, some kind of muscle car. He's going like 140 miles an hour and decides he's going to run the toll booth in the car at like a buck 40. And just to be funny, like reaches in his console

and grabs a whole handful of change and like blings it at the window as he goes through the toll booth. And I guess like the toll booth, operator saw this coming and ducked and the chains like blew all the glass out of the tollbole. It sounds pretty dope. I don't know if it really. I mean, I believe my friend. If my friend said it happened, it happened.

But like again, 1970s glass was probably just like regular windows glass. The glass is like, oh, not only am I in trouble. I've lost my entire silver dollar collection. That's the size of coin you'd need to. Playing in the quarters, man. That one family, like my friend told me so many awesome stories of just his family that were just kill like that with his uncle. Apparently at some point the same uncle got arrested for like a DUI or something and gets taken to some like little tiny town jail where like it's just like a jail cell in the office in the desk or whatever. And like he gets his phone call and he calls his dad, his dad, his dad is my friend's granddad, calls his dad come get him.

And he's back in the jail and they're processed him or whatever. And this is back in the day. This is like the 70s, your early 80s, the days of like carbon copy sheets and that kind of stuff. And he's in a town like not where he's from. So he hears the granddad's got like this Dodge van like a four. 40 and a cam in it out of like an RV or something. Here's the granddad's van pull up out back. The cop has like gotten up to go get a pencil or go to the bathroom or something.

And his uncle said he's like sitting there and he's looking the cop's not in the room. He's no longer handcuffed. And like all three copies of the ticket and his driver's license and everything are like right there on the desk. And granddad's out back. So he just like grabbed all the paperwork on the desk and just ran out the back door. Just jumped in the van. It's like go, go, go. And like they hauled ass.

He had another set of keys for the car, which is still out inside of the road. They just hauled ass got his car and split and like totally got away out of this DUI. It was like there was like a fugitive from the law of his day. Oh yeah. Like yeah, the same guy with the toll booth incident. It's like the same dude. His dad with the same van, they had a can crusher built into the console of the van. So he'd be like throwing back like Milwaukee's best tallboys and we'd just crush them.

And then like they'd drop out under the van going down the road. So it didn't look like he was throwing a can out. like the granddad was like crush him you just to throw us well i guess like if a cost behind you it looks like you just ran over a piece of trash in the road rather than like a whole to alleviate suspicion the same granddad a different story was like he was i guess this had been like a vietnam vet i'm not sure his age looking back but anyway like they'd all go drinking at the vfdb on like saturday night and the cops would occasionally like wait for them down at the intersection i guess to catch all the guys leaving drunks they wait till it shut

and downtime. Granddad comes out and gets in his van. All the cops are in there waiting. So he pulls out and he like makes a left turn. It kind of goes wide, dips into the grass a little bit, corrects back onto the road. He's going slow. Just pulled out. Touches the yellow line. Of course, the blue lights come on. The cops stop him. Every cop's over there. They get him out of the car. They do it. You know, he's doing like the sobriety test. You know, he's walking backwards, stopping on a dime, turn on his heel, you know, finger on his nose. He's doing like he's killing the sobriety test. Then again, in the 80s. Somebody finally shows up with a breathalizer. guy blows a zero. He hasn't had a drop to drink. They're like, what are you, the designated driver?

He's like, no, I'm the designated decoy. And like the whole time they were messing with him, all the drunk guys were like making a right and skis. Same guy was a taxidermist. And my friend, like his family would go up there once a year. So a real creep. I mean, these guys are cool. I met some of these dudes. This is my friend Lee, his family. They're all super awesome. It's like chips in bottles to these people. He did these really kick-ass, like European mounts. He'd have like a, like one of them was like a skeleton of a cobra fighting a skeleton of a mongoose. Like all this like really kind of artsy, cool-ass stuff. But anyway, like my buddy talked about like riding with his family up from Georgia,

it's like a 12-hour drive up there. They get there. He goes in the bathroom and he's like sitting there on the toilet as like a 10-year-old. And he hears like a noise like behind the shower curtain. And he like very tentatively like pulls back the shower curtain. And there's like a six-foot Cayman in the bathtub that's alive like waiting for the Granddad to like kill it and turn it into like some other mount or something. This that one family,

there's just been so many like kick ass stories out of that one group of people that they were just, they were just cool. But then the handful of cash load of the window. I'm picturing myself taking shit and finding a six foot came in in the tub. And all of me knows that I'd be like, I still got to wrap this up. Like I still got to get it done. Like if it hasn't bothered me as of yet,

let's, you know, let's roll the dice. Let's keep it going. Pull the shower curtain back. Pull it back. Like halfway through. Sorry about the smell. I haven't been eating great. I know you guys taste there or whatever.

This has got to be brutal for you. Yeah. If I reach over, you like the toilet brush, like a weapon, you know, like just in case. I turn on the hot water in the shower so he can't hear me. Yeah. He feels the water. he would like that he'd like warm water probably but yeah that like i love like i love that family and i met some of these people over the years but like i feel like we don't have enough people like that

anymore i mean nowadays you get the crazy people you see online you know the body cams that kind of stuff but like seems like back in the day there was this like really healthy level of like kind of wild and crazy pseudo criminals but they're still like good dudes you know like they're not going to steal from you they're not drug addicts they weren't crackheads they were just kind of don't give a shit guys that were like this sort of last bastion of the you're not the boss of me kind of generation but they weren't bad they were just like naughty

and I feel like we kind of miss those guys now nowadays it's just crazy violent tweakers and pipe bombs and nutty stuff like I just I kind of miss the good old crazy redneck stuff hmm I can see that I've been watching the news all week

there's all sorts of crazy people in the streets man you couldn't get me in those goddamn streets to protest what would you what would get you in the streets to protest would he Like it wouldn't it doesn't necessarily happen. In the Minnesota winter, it would be tricky. Right? Like what would it?

If it like outlawing the internet or something like taking internal combustion vehicle, they're confiscating everyone's cars. I protested when they removed porn from North Carolina. Oh man. As the late great Mitch Hedberg used to say, I'm against protesting. I just don't know how to show it. Yeah, you wouldn't get me in that fucking in those Minnesota streets,

especially when I saw him shoot that guy in the eye. with a, they say rubber bullet and I never know what they mean. They need to be a little more specific for me to understand what that means. Because that could be anything from a pepper ball all the way up to a 40 millimeter like hard rubbery foam thing that would crack

your skull at close range. I couldn't tell what they shot that guy with, but I saw him drop like a sack of potatoes and his eyes balls been shot out of his head. There's like blood running down his face. And they're dragging him like yesterday's garbage. Like they're dragging him by like the

the back of his collar, like, across the, across the parking lot into the federal building or wherever they were. That was pretty rough. And then I heard the day they threw up a flashbang into a car full of black children. Yeah, there were six kids. Like six fucking kids in the car or something. It might have been four kids and one was a six month old. I'm not positive.

It was a ton of little kids in a car. Way more, like too many, frankly. Dude, so I've had thoughts about this. It's, blow your drums out. They always say, oh, well, they probably need more training. I'm fucking done with the training talk. That is always just a substitute for what if we gave them even more funding, right? What have we, they spent 10% more time in training.

We increase the staff by 10%. They all get, fuck that. They need more consequences. That's what this needs. I've never had a day of training. And I already know not to drag limp bodies and beat them up while they're disabled. I've never had a day of training. And I'm already aware that you don't throw a flashback.

into a car filled with kids and babies. It's not a training issue. It's a consequence issue. That shouldn't have happened. There's no excuse for throwing a flashbang into a car full of children. Like, there's just not. Like, you should know who's in the car before you do it. They should hold supervisors responsible for hiring maniacs.

And they should hold maniacs responsible for being maniacs. I'm fucking fed up with that they just need more training talk. It's horseshit. Well, they do, though. they don't just need more training, but they do need more training. Sure, sure. Yeah, reducing it to 47 days is silly. 47 days is such an upsetting number because it was probably used to be 50 or 60,

and he reduced it to 47. There's no way it was 40. He was like, hey, make it seven more. So it's the number of my presidency. Like it's such a silly number for something that seems important. It seems that the amount of days that they get trained should be, vitally important if they're going to be going door to door with suppressed rifles. Take off the masks, put on the body cams, add some consequences, add the body cams, add some consequences, and we'll have a better force.

I definitely think they should all be wearing body cams. I don't know why they're not. I know they don't have to and I don't like that. I guess it's because they're federal officers and not like police officers or something like that. But man, it would add a lot to transparency if they just all had to. goddamn body cam on. Yeah, all cops should have to have body cams. And you should be so well trained before you're operating in like

America's neighborhoods with stacked up like a SWAT team with rifles. I wonder if that's the case. Like it's hard to get real news, but it's like are the guys with the rifles who are stacked up like a SWAT team who are now invading this home, like clearing it with guns.

Did they only have 47 days of training? Did they go from call of duty to less than two months of training to this? Is that what happened? Because that's crazy to me. A lot of them are former law enforcement or former military apparently. Irrelevant.

It seems to be a big move towards. But are all of those who are doing, what I'm saying specific, they're saying 47 days worth of ice training, and we've looked at what it takes to become an ice agent. They're taking anybody. You've seen some of the fat so's they've got, so clearly there's no physical requirements,

but I've seen people with Nazi tattoos and shit, so clearly there's no like moral requirements. I think they're taking anybody and everybody they can. And you're going from call of duty, 47 days of training to patrolling America's neighborhoods with long guns. Yeah, and it's like, you know, I live in Gainesville, Georgia, which means that like somebody who is here illegally

affects my life in a negative way almost every day. Yep. But like that level of like military strike on some people, who were probably just trying to get by. Like, yeah, it's absolutely out of control. Like the level of violence, the lack of oversight. And like you said, you know, stuff like even if your training should be, yeah, this is what happens when you throw a flashbang into a car.

It blows every eardrum and I stock it out in the car and shatters the wind. There's no reason to do it. Yeah, exactly. Like, what were you going to gain by that act? Like, it just. Getting them out of the car. Like, it was definitely that they weren't getting out of the car. Like, they, I guarantee the driver was.

disobeying commands to get out of the car, which is one thing. It's like, I always say this. And I don't mean this in a way to excuse the people who throw flashbangs into cars, but you wouldn't have had to get a flashbang into my car to get me out of it. You just had to say get out once. And whether I was in the wrong or the right wouldn't play into it. I would get out because you have a badge and a gun. And I'm probably, we'll sort this out after we make sure that like you're not

afraid of me. If you're Barney Fife shaking with your hand on the trigger because you think I've got a gun or you think something about me that's crazy, let's dispel all that right away by me being compliant, getting out of the car and say, oh, what's the problem here? How can I comply in a way that won't get me killed? I'm not trying to stand up to you or buck up at you or prove that I'm more of a man than you. I'm trying to survive this encounter with armed law enforcement. Well, but you're like a person imagining yourself driving through. A lot of these people are trying to obstruct it. I mean, in any scenario, like I've had guns pulled on me at the post office, you know, when I wasn't expecting it.

I complied. Yeah. I mean, the state has a monopoly on violence. That's why you have to like, even if you're like, I'm totally innocent here, be kid glove mode around cops. Like, that's just smart. Whether or not you agree, disagree. That's just be smart. It's a little different if it's your house.

If it's your car, if people don't know, you got to get it. If they say get out of your car, that's a lawful order that you need to comply with. You don't get to be like, no, I don't think so. What's your reasoning for getting me out? Convince me that I should. No, no, no, no, no. They can just ask you to get out and that's the end of it. I've looked into it because I've wondered every time I get the same answer, you got to get out.

But if they say get out of your house, you can say no thank you. I prefer to keep the door closed, stuff like that. if they don't have a warrant. Don't open the door. They don't open the door. Yeah. Yeah. And then what to do if they put their foot in it.

If they put their foot in it, you can't kick their foot out of the door jam. Like, what's your move once they've pulled that? I don't know the answer. Ah, maybe this is where we circle back to the farting. You cut a bunchy gasser. Your best bet literally is to call your lawyer at that point and try. Because you can't close the door on them. You can't kick their foot out.

not going to move it. Like you need legal help right now. Like I saw that question once on one of those YouTube lawyers like Q&A sessions like what if he sticks his foot in your door? Well, you're kind of in a pickle. It's like fuck. Okay, noted. Don't open the door. Yeah. I've had several of my Vinwicky stories have been stories that involved at some point a cop either like running the numbers on the gun I carry or searching my car or whatever. And there's always people in the comments that are just like, Oh, you're a sheep. You gave up your rights, whatever. It's like, look, man, like, I'm late to go pick up my girlfriend.

I'm already in trouble. This could take four hours or this could take six minutes, but like, they're going to look in your car. Like, you can do your sovereign citizen or stand on the Constitution, whatever it is. They're going to keep you there until somebody shows up with a warrant or somebody shows it with a dog. They're going to reach in their pocket and find probable cause. Like, they're going to search your car. Like, you're not going to walk away with your powdered rig.

Are you going to wait six hours? for no reason. Exactly. Like, I would have the least resistance. Just make it easy on yourself. Like, I'm not,

I believe in the Constitution. I don't want to give up my rights, but like, I know what I can be doing the rest of my evening. And it's not going to be sitting in handcuffs in an ant bed. It's going to be let them run the numbers on my legally owned and obtained gun. Yeah. And be on my way.

Like, yeah, people escalate stuff. But I've had some messages though with cops. I'm sorry. Go ahead. I was going to say I was, I was on the interstate.

I had a pistol in my passenger seat just sitting in it flat. And a truck driver saw it. he called 911 and said I was brandishing it I was not I was driving my fucking car and I never touched the gun had been sitting in the seat the whole time but they set up this whole like trap to catch me where they're waiting on the next the overpasses ahead of me and they they swarm me and pull me over like two cops with their hands on their guns

and uh we got out of the car and they're like can we search the car and I'm like I don't want you to do and he's like well we're going to get a dog if you don't let us and I'm like well I want your dog scratching my car so search the car there's nothing in there go for and they're just pulling guns out and money and it looks bad for a while like you can tell they're like we might be on to something here boss because there's just so many guns there's machine guns there's there's all sorts of shit and there's a cashier's check because i was going to buy that boat like 20 30 grand or something like that and it's they see it because it's just sitting there like like it's they thought they had caught

the somebody important but by the end you know, you get to go away because all your shit's right. I didn't want the dog scratching my dog. Did they like say anything else as you departed? We're like, sir, one more piece of advice. Don't, don't buy the boat. How long was the boat? Do you know?

Oh, what 30s? Okay. Low 30s? Low 30s? All right. I don't know boat sizes. Is that normal? All I really remember is like the things it had.

Like you had plenty of room. on top for like four or five people back there, like around the controls. And then the whole front area you could kind of chill on too, although it wasn't meant for that. And then it had like bedroom, bathroom, bathroom with shower and toilet, a kitchenette.

And then opposite the kitchenette, there was a couch. And that kind of made up the whole boat. So like those in the room is a good size for what they call island hopping. You go from like Florida to the Bahamas. And then if you look, there are so many little islands around the Gulf of Mexico. that you can go.

America. You can have quite the adventure and never scale more than two nights. Yeah, I had a 28-foot, um, cuddy cabin center console that I would take out. Same thing. I'd go drop into water in like Appalachicola, just spent a week, just kind of bouncing along the Gulf Islands. It was awesome, man. I mean, it's, I've never regretted any of the boats I've had.

I mean, people say, oh, the best days that you buy and day you sell it. But man, I love it, man. I'm like freaking Don Johnson out there in my mind, just cruising around. Do you fish? Are you, like, fishing and then eating what you can? I mean, I've done that, yeah, but like I'm kind of too 80D for a lot of fishing. I like catching, but I don't have the patience for like fishing. So I'd like throw something out the back and troll occasionally.

But now I was more like stopping a grocery store on the intercoastal every couple of days and like, you know, supply up. But I did have a couple of funny instances though. So like wife at the time, third wife at the time is with me. And like we're driving along. We're like the intercoastal got boring after a couple of days. So we're out in the Gulf now, just kind of cruising down. And we see this, like, island. We're kind of near, like, Tyndall Air Force Base, that sort of like, I guess,

between like Port St. Joe and, like, Panama City, I guess, out that way. Okay. Anyway, like beautiful little idyllic, little Gilligan's Island looking island. There's, like, no beach houses. There's nobody out there. There's no parasailers or jet skis. It's just us. I was like, man, it's pretty rad.

So, you know, coast the boat in, kind of shallow water, drop the anchor, get out. You know, it's a shallow water. This is about a hundred yard hike in. and we get out of blanket. We have a picnic. We're having drinks. We walk around. We find a stingray.

We're taking pictures with him. Mess with just goofing off, having a great beach day. At some point, like, we've been out there like six hours. At some point, I go back to the boat to get more rum from dark and stormy or something.

And I'm on the boat again, and I'm like, man, why is nobody out here? This island is like gorgeous. White sand, brilliant seashells. Nobody's ever been here.

It looks like, like, I'm not that far off of shore. Like, why is there nobody here? So I get my chart out. I start looking to the chart. I'm like, I mean, I'm not exactly like, you know, Magellan out here with cartography, but I'm like, okay, X, Y, according to whatever. I look, I am right in the middle of like a missile range.

And it's like live ammunition, buried explosives, you know, airplanes may fly over at many, at any moment and drop munitions, like do not approach, stay at that. I was like, holy crap. So I'm like back, follow my own tracks back to the beach. I'm like, baby, we got to go right now, you know. And she's like, what's going on? This is pretty. I'm like, no, no, we got to leave.

We're like walking back. like the exact same footprints, make sure I don't step on some like unexploded bomb or something. Like anyway, nope, died out of there pretty fast. But I was like, man,

this was like, I could just see me like laying there on the beach and some, you know, F-14 come jetting over and just dropping. That'd be a terrible way. When you showed up at first, you were like, no,

sweetheart, these are natural craters. Like, yeah, it's one of God's mysteries. Meteors. Total Darwin award. Yeah,

that whole day was a bad news, man. That was, the, almost random. So, like, We stayed out there too long, so I get back in the boat, and I think either, I guess it was gas. I guess we'd spent too much time motoring around or idling the boat or something.

I realized I did not have enough gas to like kind of hug the coastline to get, I think I was going to dock in like Panama City Harbor or something that night. So, okay, I'm going to have to like kind of cut diagonally across sort of an inlet, I guess, in the ocean, be out of the side of land for 20 miles or so. So it's okay. I mean, I've got a chart plotter. I've got a compass. I've got all the mouse. I mean, I'm not going to get lost. I've got a radio.

Like, it's not that big of a deal. But it's getting dark now. So now it's like pitch black. I'm in a 28 foot boat out in the ocean, single motor, not a great idea. And I've like set my course to like diagonally come into the inlet to go into kind of through the Barry Islands, Dog Island, whatever that is, to get into Panama City. So like she's down below doing whatever, making dinner or something. I'm driving. I'm doing the typical nighttime boat thing like like sweep with a spotlight, you know, check your gauges, check your depth, sweep with a spotlight.

Just kind of doing my routine, looking around, making sure I don't hit like a, a. shipping container, you know, a buoy or something like that. So I'm driving along and like I'm, you know, there's like the two islands with a gap in the middle. And I'm coming in at a diagonal angle. I'm just going to like kind of merge into the shipping lane. Well, she asked me a question or something. I'm still holding my course going about 20 miles an hour. I look, I'm talking to her, whatever, oh, it's under that cushion, whatever. And I look up and as I sweep the spotlight, all of a sudden, it is just a wall of rocks, like a jetty like rip around. I'm like, oh, me, I just, you know, trim tabs down.

dump the throttle full reverse depth alarm's going off i go from like 40 feet of water to three and a half feet of water like i'm cutting the wheel and it's just rocks everywhere i'm just freaking out you know didn't hit anything thankfully and like just kind of you know stop the boat for a second get my bearings what had happened was like my chart plotter they had built this like thousand foot jetty out into the gulf of mexico to cut down on the erosion but my chart plotter did not have that jetty on the chart so like i was just following these little breadcrumb dots. And if I had waited another 10 seconds talking to her,

I mean, we wouldn't have died. I would have hit a angled wall of rocks at 20 miles an hour, probably tore up the boat, bang my hand. We would have been okay. It would have sucked. We weren't going to die. But yeah, like almost just literally drove right into a wall of rocks.

Like that whole day, man, I was like, all right, almost got blown up today. Almost hit a rock. What kind of boat was this again? This was a sea swirl striper. So it was like an offshore boat. I kept it up here on Lake Lanier,

but I'd trailer it down to the Gulf. So it was like a, it's basically like a cuddy cabin boat, like two captains chairs and like benches in the back with an outboard. Okay, okay. But there was like a little catwalk. You kind of go around the outside for fishing, but it had like a, you know, like a bed and a little toilet kitchen area. It was a smaller boat. But enough, like you could spend the night and sleep on it and all that. But it was a great boat, though.

I mean, big heavy. Yeah, that's it. So it was great. The whole design was really great. Like up here on the lake, that boat wide open. I'm sorry. Looks like Dexter's boat. Yeah, I never did anybody dumping on it.

And I didn't have the radar hoop and all that kind of stuff. I just had a bimony I'd made for it. But my boat would top out at about 40 miles an hour. And I had several friends of mine that had boats that would go 50, 55, a couple of 60, 65 an hour boats. So I'm the guy with the slow boat. However, because that was an offshore boat with that kind of reverse shine hole and the way it was designed, you know, the water on late Lanier in the summertime, There's so many boats out there.

You'll get four or five foot waves and just chop out there from all the fishing boats, fast boats. So like all my friends with the fast boats would have to slow down to 20 miles an hour where I could still cut through it at 35. So in a way, I had the fastest boat, even though I had a slower boat and it all came down to a whole design. But I dig boats, man. I lost that one in a divorce.

But I'd like to have another one someday, though. God damn. You hear that, Taylor? Did she? Let's get. did she want the boat or does she want to hurt you by taking the boat? This is his boat. No, no, honestly, like I was, we split off, we split up,

and she was going to continue living on the lake, and I was going to move to Atlanta, and he was going to be there. And just kind of as a peace offer, and I was like, here, you keep the boat, you know, you're going to live here anyway. It was no hard feelings. It was just let it go, and I'll get another one someday, and I haven't. But I miss it, though. He legally has to say that.

That was also part of it. That was also part of the divorce. Yeah, but it wasn't a good idea. I prefer not to have my favorite things. There was an age gap. And, you know, we just kind of grew apart. I mean, it wasn't like, I hate you kind of thing. It was just, hey, you know, we're at different points or life.

So it was no hard feelings. Is that your own divorce? I'm sorry? Was that your only divorce? No, unfortunately, I've had four. So you're getting good at it, I guess. Yeah, I'm a professional. But you can kind of tell a lot of my relationships by the cars in my driveway.

It's like, okay, this one's a basket case, and it's probably going to try to kill me, but I like it. So, yeah, I think I have the same taste in relationships as cars sometimes. So I am, it's been five years now. I'm just, this is not my sport. So I am abstaining from this point on. Oh, this time, for real? Yeah, anybody sees me about to get married, just like roll up a car and driver really tight and smack me in a very, like, turn boy saying, no.

Some people say fifth time's the charm. Five times the charm. Better be the fifth and the fourth, I suppose. But no, I'm a romantic. I fall in love easily. At least you only had one to lose that way. Well, not that time, but I lost another one the first time. I lost a boat and a camper.

And his camper. I lost three boats and three. The first three, I lost a boat each every time. Every time. I lost a boat and a camper all three times. So do you have like an attorney that like just has a pre-printed thing? He was like, offer the boat, offer of the kids.

I got my own parking space there, man. It's terrible. Oh, that's rough. That guy's not very good at his job. You might want to... Yeah, you got a real... You got a real Lionel Hutz doing... Yeah, it seems you...

You're going to lose your boat no matter why. Yeah, the boat got. But no, honestly, like, every time it's been pretty amicable. Like, it's just been one of those, like, hey, this didn't work. So, like, it hasn't been any of that, like, ugly, awful divorce court kind of stuff. It's just kind of...

Les Beanie baby. everything, you know, you get the boat, I'll keep my whatever. I lost a dinosaur one time, though. That's terrible. Which one? Actually, it depends. Which dinosaur? I had a catch. I collect rocks and fossils and minerals and meteorites and stuff, because I'm kind of a nerd. And I had this really

kick-ass like catchosaurus. It was like a imagine like a pleasiosaur, like what you see like the Loch Ness monster, but the size of like a cat. And it was in slate. It was like perfectly preserved. It was really cool. So that was probably the weirdest thing ever lost in a divorce. Why did she take it? Did she take it out of mouth?

is certainly like no no again it was like you know we both got i had antiquities and stuff we liked and i was trying to be magnanimous i was like hey look you keep whatever you want i'll take the rest and she got the dinosaur i mean it wasn't a hotly contested no that's because i guarantee that's like a country song i guarantee you didn't give a fuck about the dinosaur right girls i did actually i really it was kind of cool like i'd kind of you know i sort of got attached to him but but yeah that was uh that was probably the mode the first one that was probably the most of most acrimonious, but again, like, she was a good person. We just, you know, hit different places in life.

You know, it wasn't any kind of mudsling and awful kind of thing. And I told her she could take whatever she wanted. So if she took it, that was my fault. Well, yeah, we had a custody battle over a dinosaur. That would have been a new one. You ever heard that country song? She got the gold mine. I got the shaft.

Oh, that's a great title. Yeah, yeah. So you remember Waterboy, right? Remember Coach Klein, the meme coach? That's Jerry Reed. He's a country singer. That's his primary occupation. alongside being an actor and a lot of stuff.

It's a good song. It's about his wife cleaning him out and divorce. There's a guy in the PGA hangout. He was keeping something just to make his wife hurt. Was it a pet? Do you remember? Oh. I don't remember.

I don't remember a pet. I forget the item. I thought it was a pet that he was like keeping the cat just because she wanted it a lot. He ended up going back on it and let her keep it. Yeah, it'd be petty. I wouldn't take her cat. I don't even work at that.

Supposedly the reason that the wine at Trader Joe's is so cheap was like in that guy's divorce, however it worked out, like the wife was going to get the profits from the wine part. I guess the wine is like a separate subset in the business or a separate business within it, then the groceries, all that kind of stuff. However, the divorce was she gets the profits from the wine part of Trader Joe's. So the wine section of Trader Joe's basically operates at an exact zero problem. it all the time so that she never actually gets any money. That's awesome. That's very funny. It's pretty savage.

But yeah, that is supposed it. And also, I think it's Taco Mac, which is like a chain. They have them in Atlanta. Supposed the same kind of deal. It was like the guy was about to get a divorce.

So he signed his interest in the company over to his partner, I guess. So she couldn't take half a Taco Mac. And then when like it came time to give it back, it turned out that that guy was hooking up with wife and he didn't give it back to the first guy. So like she ended up with his half a Taco Mac anyway by hooking up with his partner. I'm maybe overlapping that story with something else.

Oh, man. Poor Taco Mac. Pretty savage stuff, man. I mean, people can be really petty on a huge level. Yeah. I mean, isn't Jeff Bezos's ex-wife, the richest woman on earth? I would not doubt that. Yeah, that was like a multi-100 billion-dollar divorce.

Yeah. Bill Gates' ex-wife did well, too. I think that was long enough ago that at least by like raw numbers, Bezos's wife is richer, right? Yeah. I thought she got a fuck done. I mean, now she does like tons of like philanthropy and shit.

That's good. The richest woman apparently is a Walton from Walmart. She inherited it. Wow. But that's also hard to tell because they exclude like certain like, financial families from that. And so, like, there's no way to know. They just pick in those lists.

They just have like business, like traditional business style list. So like we don't know. Like I bet there's probably like a Roth's child lady that's worth way more than that. Well, I have a friend of a friend of mine. He works on this guy's race cars. The guy that he works with, I mean, their family is worth, and I'm not going to say the country or what they do. But like, according to him, there's a lot of families that like pay a lot of money to not be

on the, like, richest people in the world list. Yeah, the Rothschilds. Yeah, those kind of families. I mean, people who are worth, like, a trillion dollars or more and are, like, you know, loaning money to come to countries and, like, shaping world history kind of family money that, like, we don't even hear about. And I have another friend I know through Cannonball who's like, he's like one of like, you know, the 1% and, you know, talking to him and he was like, man, there's like a 1% of the 1% of us.

Like, there's a, the thousandth of a percent people out there that have more money than literally everybody else underneath it. Like, they're so big, you don't even know their names. Like, there's just a whole other world up here that you people don't even know exist. And which is just crazy. I mean, I can think of a ton of dumb things. I could buy. I've had a bunch of money. But maybe I just lack scope.

But, like, when you're in the, like, the kind of money where you're influencing foreign policy and wars and, like, that's some, like, you know, galactic level. shaping with that kind of money that we missed the boat the the real opportunity was banking in the 1400s we should have really jumped on that we should have got in there with the who was the initial one the Habsburgs one of them yeah I blame myself too or wait were the Habsburgs a royal family or a banking family I think royal family they had the the Habsburg jaw where they were like all the family was interbreeding so much all over Europe it looks like like they look like feet by the end I just know that one picture of who I'm you know it's almost unfair like I bet the Habsburgs looked pretty normal

until it got beyond the pale with that one guy and then they were like this shit's out of control look how ugly this motherfucker is I think when they when they did that guy's autopsy they found that his testicle was like black and calcified and he only had one of them yeah well I'm sure he'd been dead for a long time no he'd been dead for like five minutes some slack yeah yeah there was his whole life it had been black and calcified I've had no airs. Yeah. I've been watching like

Hidden History like YouTube channel and I can't remember which King and Quain or even what country but those are the kind of channels I go to for facts. Yeah, why not? Why not?

They're like, you know, they're internet historians. Like where else I'm going to learn? Like what I've got to have a little dusty book for it to be real? They were talking about, I think the king was saying that he, I wish I could remember like the Medieval.

will speak for it, but he was like, her smell is offensive to my nose. I cannot share the bed chambers with the queen. Like, like, literally she had vaginosis so bad. He couldn't stand the stink. He said something like that. Didn't he turn down his first fiancee because she was too old and smelled old? For someone of his time to find that someone's odor was just too much, like, that's saying something. have been it had to have been complete mayhem down there for him to like for lincoln to come in from like wrestling with a constituent all sweaty and being like i say mary your pussy is not as fragrant as one would desire and there was that story about napoleon as well kind of the the opposite side of the coin where he wrote back home to his wife and said i'll be back in like two weeks don't wash yeah dude that guy was

It's an absolute savage. Well, speaking of French people, like, per your point, like, you know, you hear that sort of stereotype, you know, Pepe Lepew, you know, like French people are the greatest lovers, that type of thing. And the theory I heard once was that because culturally it is less common to use deodorant to bathe as often, that, like, all those, like, natural scents once people get used to them, create a more powerful connection on, like, a pherom level. so that like all these French people and mimes and berets and all these kind of folks that are like getting it out over there. It's like way more intense for them because they get all that. We have that too though. We just replaced it with colognes and perfumes and body washes and deodorant. Like I have a smell, but it's like sandal wood and vanilla.

Like you know what I mean? It's not B.O. So I feel like it does the same thing from it because like when I smell my girlfriend's perfume, I'm like, oh, that's her. I know what she smells like. She smells like the exact combination. of like fucking products she uses. And how much of that... Cool breeze and head and shoulders.

Mm. That's not as cool breeze. A little, a big old bottle of suave 10 and 1. Yeah. 10 and 1. It's a de greaser. Go, it's all the floors.

I just want to brush my teeth with it. I clean my grill with swap 10 and 1. You got to stop. There was this, uh, I was on this TV show with some younger people and like 20-somethings. I'm 52. And somehow it came up at lunch one day, like how old everybody was. And they're like, you know, 24.

And I don't know, I guess maybe with a nose ring, I'm like hanging on to youth a little bit. I guess to them, they thought somebody who was 52 probably looked like the cryptkeeper or something. Anyway, they were surprised that I was in my 50s. And they were like, what's your skin care regimen? And I was like, uh, I'll let dandruff shampoo run over my face. Like, that's it. But like, like younger people now, man, they are so like guys.

Like they are so much more into, like, moisturizers and scented this and like, like, that sort of self-care where, again, I'm a Gen X grubby dude. I mean, I'm like, you know, covered in grease and dirt and all that. Like, it never crossed my mind, but the amount of, like, cologne and soap and self-care and moistureizer and lotion and eye-tightener and, like, all the stuff. We've got an Arab friend. We got an Arab friend. He's super into cologne. I have two bottles of cologne in my house. One of them was $80 and one of them was $100.

It's so stereotypical. They last for years for me. When I buy a bottle of Cologne, it's like, this is what I'm going to smell like for the next three to four years. Like this, I'm locked in. This guy has, I bet he has a dozen, 15 maybe different sense. And he was like, oh, the one I like now is the noir 6730. And we're like, how much is that cost? He's like, ah, 500 a bottle.

But it's a good size bottle. You know, it's 200 milliliters. And it's, what the fuck are you doing? It's such an Arab thing. He spent all that money on these ridiculous handcraft. Well, I couldn't afford the more expensive one because my rug budget's gotten out of control. I read something one time. I think it was Saudi Arabia.

It was like the amount of Cologne like per person or per capita they go through was like huge. But I mean, it's hot. Like I guess people just, that's just your culture to, you know, olifactory identity. I guess that's your thing. And I mean, I've had the same bottle of Cologne since the 90s. It's probably gone bad because I haven't put it on in 10 years. Like I'm just not. A Cologne kind of dude.

But like, yeah, I mean, like a lot of places, like some of the countries I've been to, that's just sort of how people, you know, water's expensive, having showers expensive. So like, throw some Cologne on. That's sort of your shower for the day. And that's just people do it to adapt. People do it. Like, I know back in the, you know, I guess pre-plumbing era, you know, ladies would carry like a like a handkerchief that was covered in perfume to put over their nose

when they're walking past all the horse poop and the open sewers and stuff. of like, you know, I don't have much. From the 1300s, the, the nose of those masks was filled with, like, what we'd now see is like potpourri. Yeah. Like, so that they, you know what women would call? Well, if I can't smell disgusting, dead people, maybe I'm safer. You know what it was called? Those little bouquets of flowers that women would carry around so that there stink didn't overwhelm people?

No. A nose gay. A nose gay. Hmm. Yeah. So they do they stank that bad and still. went out? I think that, especially in like Victorian times, it wasn't common to bathe at all. Like, you might do it every few weeks kind of thing. I think maybe it was Queen Victoria herself

was, they thought it was odd that she bathed once a week or once every two weeks or something. And they were like, look at her. What, she's nose in the air over here. Think of these bi-monthly babs. You know, a lot of this stuff I feel like is like we've uncritically internalized, propaganda from warring nations. No. For centuries. We're like a lot of that the French people are disgusting and degenerate and this and that. Like we learned that from the British who were at war with them. A lot of that Queen Victoria wouldn't bathe. She was a disgusting old stinky whore. We, you know, the French were promulgating that. Yeah. They're great. Well, no, see, it's the opposite. It's that she was bathing twice a month and that was too much. They thought it was

odd she bathed so much because bathing in general. was an odd thing to do. Yeah. Yeah, it was like they believed something like if you were washing away your body's defenses against illness or something. Like I guess you had like a dirt layer.

I think this is one of those much more Hollywood things than it was a real thing. I don't think so. Victorian Britain, the working class bathed weekly in the middle and upper classes would be two to three times a week. But Queen Victoria in particular, this is kind of the...

Oh, okay. Yeah, but she was also fat and gross. You forgot. No, she wasn't. She was. was hot and and like a whoremon, a whoremaster. Like she was the one who didn't marry and was

fucking like Sir Walter Raleigh or whatever. I guess I've just seen pictures of her when she was old and that's what I'm referencing. She was not... Galladriel plays her in the movie. Kate Blanchett. Oh, well then Queen Victoria is being given a huge boost to what she actually looked like. It says she

bathed once a week more often if it was hot when she daily washed her face hands in other areas. Weirdo. All right. Well, come on now. Yeah. She was like, you know, she was probably in her 40s in that photo, you know.

Yeah. I mean, yeah. Yeah. Man. Kyle, you getting turgid over there? Wow. No. Body built for porn.

Face built for radio. Oh, my goodness. It looks like one of those Harry Potter goblins. Well, she took care of herself. Like. Okay. Well, that's a little better, right? Yeah.

I mean, in the painting. But that photo. man like like she wasn't the ugliest woman in england but she better hope she didn't die she's 50 or 60 there you know like 50 or 60 in that she looks good at a painting dude i have an eight pack in paintings oh yeah in a painting i'm fantastic in paintings i look like anything i want i'm sure what he's old painting she looks like john candy like like like paintings back then we're like instagram filters right i like me I like me.

My wife likes me. Yeah, I'm the queen of England. Some people don't like it, but I like me. Some people say I'm fat and retard. Yeah, I was probably the brutal back in. Like supposedly all those rumors about Catherine the great having sex with horses was spread by like Prussians, like, whoever the adversaries of the Russians were at the time. But like, yeah, all these things like, I think like Napoleon wasn't actually that short. Like everybody just put all these, like you said, these propaganda campaigns to get.

monarchs that just have last 5-8, 5-7, 5-8, something like that, like Tom Cruise height. A big historical thing. A taller for his time. That is a problem that people don't talk about enough is like, you can't have a Prussia and a Russia right next to each other. That's retired. That's absurd.

Also, Saudi Arabia, it needs to be the whole fucking horse hoof or whatever. That Yaman and Oman or United Barbra. Get out of here. Get out of here. That's just Saudi Arabia to me. It's all Saudi Arabia to me. Mm-hmm. What's the Yemen?

That's how I feel about Greenland. Let's just make it America. Then we don't have to mix the map. We just make it a territory and guess what? We'll sweeten the pot. I wanted to be a state. Why don't make a mistake? We will give them an NFL team.

How about that? Ooh. Oh, what would they be called? That could be a way for the NFL to like threaten owners to be like put money in the, team or you're going to Greenland. You're going to play in Greenland?

You want to live in a population of 57,000? You want to live in nuke? You want to live in that man, it's cold. There's 35,000 people in that place and they ate us. 57,000.

Am I correct that that scenario? Because again, I've been working on a bunch of projects and raised up. I haven't really looked up much. It was my understanding that like Greenland is a like a principality of Denmark, but they don't technically own it. It's like a,

least thing. And I think technically like any country could roll up in like Greenland and have it. So there's a concern that either China or Russia is going to roll up and like take it, like claim it legally, stick a flag in it. And then to avoid a war, they would just let them have it. And then we've got neighbors upstairs. And that is why

we're trying to territorially annex Greenland to keep China or Russia from getting it. Is that correct? Some of that. Right. Yeah. They definitely own it. I think maybe the, they give them $600 million a year or something like that to keep the lights on in Greenland. The Danes do, but they definitely own it and it's theirs. But what you say is right, I think I imagine that part of the concern is that in the future when the North Pole is more melted and there's more, it's easier to get around up there, that we don't want Chinese and Russian ships patrolling and locking down a quadrant of the North Pole. and certainly not installing any sort of radars or missile launchers or anything like that there. Well, I mean, that would be a massive shipping lane advantage.

Like everything coming out of town in Japan could just go right up through the Bering Sea, right over the top, straight to Europe, instead of having to go around. The boats are all too big to go through the Panama Canal now. So they got to go all the way down around Cape. Is it Cape Horn in South America and Cape of Good Hope in Africa or is the other way around? Doesn't matter. Anyway, like they're having to go all the way down and around, whereas it's a lot of. They could go over the top when the float ice retracts. Yeah, controlling that shipping lane would be massive.

Like I said last week, like, I'm all for buying it. I really don't love the idea of stealing it, just because it's morally wrong to do so. I hope that we can come to an agreeable agreement that won't mess up NATO, that won't get us sanctioned by the fucking European Union or something like that, that won't, like, make us look even more foolish on the world. stage. But I do think that we should get it if we can. I want us to get it. I think we need to get it. I think the

oil and natural gas alone are incredibly valuable. The rare earth elements, whether we can get to them or not, would he raise some doubts about that last week? I don't know. I don't know anything about rare earth mining. But just strategically, if the back in the day it was bombers that would have been coming over Greenland to get us. But these days it would be intercontinental ballistic missiles. I know we already have stuff stationed there. I wonder what the limit is with that, though. I'm certain in these current negotiations, if Trump's playing 3D chess, like, yeah, I'm going to tell them I'm going to invade. But what I really want is more rights to this, that, and the other. But he really seems dead set on taking it. Did you see the Danish minister and the people

who came over to negotiate with J.D. Vance after the meeting? They were ripping grits. They're smoking. They had a meeting with Zadie Vance and then they're outside in the cold by their cars smoking cigarettes nervously. It literally looked like they've been handed their asses by like their boss or their principal and they were worried about their job or educational futures

or something like that. They look so stressed and upset by whatever was said in that meeting. I think what they're saying is one way or another we're taking it. Seems like we could get more playing the the like basically just bribing the people of Greenland because they with with individual cash payouts a hundred percent they offered them a hundred that Trump floated the idea of $100,000 and it's like 80 percent are like we don't want to be Danes we don't want to be Americans we're Greenlanders

interesting that's not something you have the luxury of saying when you're 57,000 people on a giant island with no military and a totally dependent government. That's just something you don't get to say. That's not how geopolitics works. I mean, they asked them, they asked them their opinion, so they get to answer the way they think. But I'm with Kyle. Like, I think it'd be nice to have Greenland. I'm absolutely against doing something that blows up NATO, that causes problems, et cetera. If we could get Greenland to want to be part of America, Taylor's plan of paying the people that live there, if for a hundred grand, they say no, there's a number where they say yes.

And I don't know if that number makes it start to make sense. It stopped to make sense for America, right? Like for a billion each, obviously they do it. But that's too much. It's not even up to them as much, you know. It is, though, really. They get 600 doesn't have power projection capacity. I wouldn't want to pay them individually anyway.

Ideally, I would say something like, look, Denmark gives you $600 million a year. We'll triple that. We'll triple that. We will make your economy threefold what it is now. You'll have three times as much money. as you do right now flowing into your economy. We're also going to build this, that, and the other. Roads,

airports, fucking hospitals. That would be the ideal because that would be cheaper than the island are the Danes. And they don't want to play ball. And I think what we're saying is one way or another come July,

there will be American flags flying over Greenland. It's up to you if there's If that happens, then NATO's over. Right? Well, is it? Germany. They've already said yes. They've put troops into Greenland now. I'm not saying they could beat us. I'm just saying now we're talking about war. It's not 16. I think it was I think it was 16 total people from seven five or six different nations like it was I saw the list. The United Kingdom sent one guy. It was a very like silly. The video I saw made it look like it was a

lot more but I'm not sure I'm right. Yeah. It was just a news story thing. That is what I got the numbers here. They have to come the terms with. I got the numbers. Currently, NATO Allies are sending a small contingency. France is sending 15 mountain specialists. Germany is sending 13 reconnaissance personnel.

Sweden's officers, Norway's officers, unnumbered to Greenland. And hang on. Maybe it was 16 that had arrived of this contingent that I was here. Even if it's dozens of people, it hasn't, it isn't what I imagined. Yeah. It's pretend. It's them larping. It's a school bus full of people.

Yeah. And believe it or not, we can take school buses. We can take them. We've done it before and we'll do it again. We can't. They paint them yellow. The fools. We take it out weddings bigger than that.

Yeah. I want it. I would love to have it. Because it is so unpopulated, like people, I saw people a few weeks. I'm like, we're going to make Venezuela the 51st state. It's like, do you want, we're doing our best to get. the like 300,000 Venezuelans that are in the United States out

because we don't want them here because they're a burden to us and a danger. Do you want 20 or 30 million? I don't remember the population. It's like 20 million, 30 million, something like that. Do you want 30 million dependent Venezuelans? Do you want every Venezuelan and Venezuela to be a U.S. citizen now? And now they can just

they don't have to like sneak in. They can just fly over and move in. No, they're not a state. No, they're a hostage. But Greenland, we could make them a state because there's only like 30 fucking thousand of them. No, you don't get to walk in. You don't get to Waltz and me estate.

Most of them are like Inuit Eskimo people like up in the north, like like those, those Asian looking fellows that live in igloos and shit. Yeah, I spent a lot of time in Alaska every year and like Northwestern territory, Yukon, all that. And a friend of mine up there told me that Eskimo is like kind of a pejorative. Like it is not cool to, like they refer themselves as First Nation or Inuit whatever. But like, yeah. like growing up like that was just like that's what the guys with the furry park is in the

you know right but apparently it's not to refer to somebody as an as an eskimo i didn't know that either and i i did know that and the greenlanders even say first nations because the nords were there first oh yeah well they don't and then the nords were pushed out by yeah first amoeba were there first i i doesn't want to say look i want greenland if we can come to a good deal if the cost of Greenland is NATO or just making enemies, then it's wrong. Yeah, I'm with you. Or like, can we prop up Denmark's military so they could make the same gains that we do because they don't want Russia or China in there either.

Like, no. It's like, like England was talking about like, like the UK was going to start withholding intelligence from us. Some of the other countries were like, like, you know, with all this stuff like the 9-11, those type of events, like that's like a world effort to catch these guys and to keep this kind of stuff from happening. And if we start, like, burning all our bridges with everybody over something that might happen, over something that definitely would. Like, yeah, I would want that to definitely be a southern base.

I don't know if NATO can afford to give us too much of a hard time. Like, if they were to kick us out of our bases throughout Europe, like, Zach, pull the map of U.S. bases throughout Europe. It's going to look like the locations of gas stations. They don't have, they don't have armies in Europe. They've been phoning it in for a fucking century now. Germany and Poland are okay. But in any case, that's what I'm saying. If they were to kick us out of all those bases, then the like quarterfrosha keeps going

would become a real thing all of a sudden without all of our anti-air systems and the, and the threat of America is here too alongside Poland and alongside all these other states. I don't think they can afford to make an enemy of us as much as much as we can afford to make an enemy of them. Not saying it's right either way. Yeah, but this is just how, this is. is politics. This is great power politics. Like if the EU were a rival to us, we would have to be super, super careful. We'd be walking on eggshells in the situation. But they're not. They are weak. They have allowed their militaries to just totally fall to nothing. They don't pay enough

into it. And so a lot of this, a lot of them are now, but that started in the last few years. Yeah. They haven't caught up in the requisite capacity to really be an aggregate world power in the way that the United States is. Like, we are the term giver. We give terms. Other countries react to what we dictate. I believe it is correct that we spend more money on defense than the next 27 nations behind us. Sure. I heard it was the next 10, but 27 could be true to. Maybe I'm a lot of money. So I don't know that we get the value that we could take on the next 27 at the same time. Oh, yeah, yeah, it's the $1,200 hammers and all that. But, uh, there's a, what's that?

Aren't our, aren't our enemies also wasting money? I doubt they're perfect systems of, with zero waste. Well, that's a lot of fallacy. There's levels to this wasting money game and we're elite. How do we know? They're not just as good. I also, right. If you look at Russia, though, no, I like you made up the conjecture, Woody. And I agree with it. I know what we don't do. We don't do the thing that the Russians always did, where the, you know, the commanding officer would sell all the fuel, you know. Yeah, they waste money too. Oh, yeah.

And also, like, speaking to the Russians, like, Ukraine is what the size of Texas, roughly. And they've been holding the entire Russian army off with, like, home alone pranks for years now. They're losing a thousand. Igor, I woke up with a house and door lab is so hot. Yeah. on a rope swinging down, smacking him in the face. I mean, like, I mean, from a military standpoint, you know, if the aliens invade, everybody knows what country we're calling.

But speaking of this, these ornaments everywhere. Hold on. I keep Russians out with all of my cardboard figures. I have rigged to police. I'm going to be running on home alone breaks for the next 30 minutes. That's a good line. But here's a, on a lighthearted note, here's some fun Arctic trivia for you.

So like most of Greenland is inside the Arctic Circle. And Arctic, like I guess Latin means bears and Antarctic means no bears. And of course, on earth, you know, all the polar bears live at the North Pole. There are no bears at the South Pole. And like, oddly enough, that has nothing to do with the fact that it's called Arctic and Antarctic. It's called the Arctic because the star Arcturus, which is like the fourth brightest star in the sky. is sort of like this guardian, it's in the big dipper,

it's kind of this guardian star for the constellation Ursa Major, which is a bear. And the Arctic is the part of the earth where you can see that constellation. So that's the Arctic, the Antarctic is the part of the earth that you can't see that constellation,

the bear constellation. But it just happens to also work out biologically that there are bears in the Arctic and no bears in the Antarctic, even though that's nothing to do with the names. I thought that was just a fun nerd trivia. Maybe they say the polar bears are dying. What if we introduce them to the South Pole?

Man, a lot of penguins to eat down there. Yeah, a lot of penguins are going to be pissed. I'm told there's penguins there, Kyle. There are a lot of penguins. I thought there are a ton of them, even on the south tip of Argentina. I think they're probably over there. I have duets because they don't have natural predators. Oh, there are penguins all the way up in the Galapagos on the equator.

I've swam with them on the island of Santa Cruz, I think, in the Galapagos. There's like penguins bobbing around if you and like warm, Pacific water. Like, that's like... You're getting close to you like they weren't scared. I mean, six feet away. I mean, they're pretty fast in the water. He was just kind of, like, I popped up out of the water,

and he was standing on a rock just kind of blinking at me. And then he just popped in and jetted, and there's a few other ones about, like, yeah, penguins go up pretty far up the whole west coast of South America. You'll have penguins up that way. But that's a tasty bird. I don't know. I've had puffing before in Norway.

Puffin's really delicious. I don't know if penguin, they're kind of like a penguin, but a penguin seems like it'd be awful greasy. I'd smoke him. I think I smoked penguin. Yeah. Yeah, I'm with you in that. I mean, I've had dog.

I'll definitely try some penguin. Yeah. Have you ever swam with stingways? Yes. That's pretty cool. There we go, man. The coolest swimming I've ever done, though, is with whale sharks. Whale sharks?

Whale sharks. And not in a gangster way. So at the Georgia Aquarium in Atlanta, you can go swim in the big tank with their manorets and sharks and whale sharks there and I got to go swimming in that tank one time. And it was pretty dope. Like they're neat. They're just so chill, man. They're like, you know, 30 foot long fish just cruising at you.

I don't know, 10, 12,000 pounds, but they're really... You didn't get to go in with the whales, did you? The, um, those, what are those white whales with the sweet heads? Oh, no, I did not get to go in there. I don't think you're allowed to swim with the, uh, the, uh, the beluga whales, the white guys. Those things are so friendly when you go up to the glass. Like, like, it's almost like they're saying, hey, come on in here. Come with us.

They have really happy. Yeah, they got those goofy faces too. Yeah, they're pretty cool. But yeah, well sharks are just dope, man. Yeah. I've sure. Dolphins and stingrays. And stingrays are by far the cooler thing to swim with.

You can catch them and pick them, carry them to the surface and stuff. Yeah, I got to teach a dolphin and a sea lion how to paint one time years ago. Wait. How to paint? Were they batted it? Actually, they peaked up pretty fast. Yeah, I went to do this, like, dolphin experience thing down. the keys where you spend like five days you kind of work with the dolphin trainer and you're

teaching them stuff and just kind of you're just helping you know you're swimming out pretending to drown they got to rescue that kind of stuff but just in conversation i got talking to the people there and i'm there like every day for a week and i'm like man it'd be really awesome to because i had this collection of artwork done by different animals you know crows and elephants and different things like that and so they were down with it so like we basically like got into water and i got like some watercolor paint and like a brush and would like like put the brush in my mouth and like dip it in the know, dip it in the paint and kind of swirl it on the canvas and like the dolphins like watching me and like, you know, give the dolphin the paint brush and it holds it in his

beak and kind of mimics what I do, give it a fish and boom, it can paint. I have a painting that this dolphin named Fiji did for me. And then there was this other, uh, there's a sea lion. Same thing. Like they picked it up. It's pretty cool. But I was down to marry me. I'm taking that painting. I'm sorry. Oh, if you ever marry me, I'm getting the painting. You can buy them online. I mean, they sell them. It's just pretty cool place. But, uh, you know, Yeah, they're remarkably smart. I mean, like, they did have this thing called the free swim where, like, you go out in this big, it's, I don't know, 10 acres or something. It's, it's corralled in where they can't get out into the ocean, but it's like in this inlet.

And you go out with them and like, you're not like doing stunts or riding on them or them pushing around your feet. You're just swimming with them. And we go out and it's like with this pod and there's a female is kind of the dominant of the pod. And like, of course, they're having to go slow because I'm a pretty good swimmer, but obviously I can't swim like a dolphin, and then go like 45 miles an hour and jump 20 feet in the air. So like we're cruising along and like we'd like go up for a breath and then go down about 20 feet. And they kind of cruise along the bottom and they were like scan for your little shellfish and crabs and stuff hiding under the sand. And they can, you know, they can hit it with their echo location and feel it.

Though actually you can feel them scan you. Like it's this weird kind of tingly buzzy sound. Like they'll just give you like a full body scan with it. It's pretty cool. But anyway, so like we're swimming along and like she's next to me and like I'm diving down and she's like looking over at me and it's. it sounds kind of cliche, but like you have like that moment of connection, you know, like we're like, like, we're like staring in each other's souls. You know, there's a consciousness there.

She is like contemplating her role in the universe and mine and hers. And like, we're having this moment. And then out of nowhere, she just like turns to me and like opens her mouth and just comes in me with this like wide mouth of teeth, which of course is pretty scary. I mean, the dolphin's 40 pounds. They got a foot and a half long mouth full of teeth this big. I'm like, I spit my snorkel out, blah, blah. I'm like swimming out of the top, right?

like ripped the shreds by this superhero of an animal. And she just pops up and is like laughing at me. Like like echo located the other dolphins like, hey, watch this. I'm going to, I'm going to run this. Like, boogiety.

And I was like, ah. And I was cool. But yeah, they're amazing animals. And there's definitely like a whole other level of intelligence there and awareness that it's, it's really special.

It was a really neat experience. Dolphins are sick. And I want to continue to talk more about animals after we hear from a wonderful sponsor. Better help. Better help folks. This episode of PCA is brought to you by today's sponsor, BetterHelp. So let's hear a little about their service. Life is full of twists and turns, and it's important for you to show up for yourself through it all, mental and dental.

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So check all of those out. Check those out. You will not regret it. Anyway, I wanted to stay on animals, but then I forgot what I was going to say about animals. I was going to tell you about this Good Boy movie. So like, Good Boy is the, is the horror movie that's from the perspective of the dog. And the dog can see the, like, dark, evil spirit, demon monster that is stalking his owner, but the owner can't. And so the whole movie is from the dog's perspective. And the dog is so good with it. Like, it. its eyes look worried. Like, like, it's looking around in this concerned way. Like, it's a good fucking actor.

I watched the movie the other night, and I was thinking, like, this dog is a better actor than its owner. And then sure enough, it won this Astro Award. It was like a best performance in a horror movie. It beat Ethan Hawk. It beat, um, what's his name? Like, Indy, Indy the dog. And the award goes to, Indy the dog.

and it's not He looked around like exasperated as it was playing Like oh my God, I can't believe it Is it called the Astro Award? Is it called the Astro Award like after the dog on the Jetsons Or is it just called the Astro award And it had nothing to do with the dog It just having to be a dog won it

Oh Astro. Yeah, I get you though No, I highly recommend that movie Like Because because it's that thing about dogs and movies where you don't want to see him get hurt at all. So the whole movie is very tense. You're very concerned about this dog.

You're always worried something bad's going to happen to him. I liked it a lot. I thought the dog was a great actor. There's been a slew of like CGI dog movies. I think Harrison Ford might have made one with his CGI dog. He either did Call the Wild or something like that. It looks like shit. This is just a good actor dog.

It was so good. that's pretty cool anytime I'm watching a movie with an animal in it like Hidalgo or something always have to like get on like IMDB or like Reddit and make sure it doesn't die at the end he bought that horse he owns that horse I mean I don't know if the horse is still alive

but Vigo Mortensen after that movie was like I like this horse I'm keeping it I remember that that is cool yeah so speaking of ghost dogs so years ago my aunt and uncle lived up in Richmond Virginia and they lived in this area called the fan which was kind of like brown stone houses. And I think they used to be like mansions back in Victoria time.

But at some point in the 50s, they split them up into like three level apartments now. And anyway, they had this Doberman Pinscher that would like just every now and they just completely flip out, like stare at something in the corner, follow something around the room, growl at something in the hall, like follow something down the hall,

like looking at like the dog could see something they couldn't. And they're just like, man, this dog's crazy. This goes on for like a couple of years. Like every now and then, like they just wake up and the dog will be like growling and staring in the corner.

and just trying to like kind of creepy, but they're just okay, the dog's a weirdo. Well, one day, like, they're at work and their neighbor calls and,

like the, they're on, like the ground floor. Person on the third floor had like a, like a small kitchen fire. Like, the place didn't burn down, but they had to like water damage

and some shit like that. But anyway, when the police were there, I mean, see me, the fire department was there. They'd like hack into the wall, you know,

to make sure there wasn't like fire or something still burning in the wall. The building was built in like the 1890s. They found a dude's body, built into the wall upside down on the top floor. Like when they built this place in the 1890s, somebody buried this dude in the wall. And like after they found the body,

the dog never flipped out again. But they were like, man, like, was the dog like seeing this guy's ghost or this guy's spirit or something? Because like once he was like liberated, the dog never did it again. But up to that point, yeah, the dog was like seeing something walking around the house. So like, I thought that was a cool like,

dude, didn't you find two bodies? He's driving around the southwest. Is that? Oh, yeah, the talking points. Yeah, so, like, I am driving around. This is last year after the off-road games. I took some time off. Just kind of go drive around the desert.

I did the desert and watch all that. So, like, there was some, like, property out there that's like, you know, for sales. I just kind of go out to, like, a place that's already for sales. Like, nobody's not, you know, going to, like, be mad at me for being out there. And it's just, like, in the middle of nowhere, like, 40 miles out of dirt road out of Vegas and turn left and go three miles out of dirt road. and then two miles. I mean, just this like total Pac-Man maze of just these straight,

you know, 90-degree turns, wet in the middle of nowhere outside of Vegas. And I found a good spot. I thought I was going to camp there for the night. And I'd rented a truck I could sleep in, you know, Durango and all that.

So I roll up and there's like this, like, there's like, I'm kind of collecting rocks and stuff because I do that kind of nerdy shit. And I like, I parked the truck on like the corner and there's like kind of a like,

I guess they like road grade these roads over a few years. There's like a little berm of dirt, you know, three or four feet tall. So there's like a, big burma dirt on the corner with like a big scrubby brush. And as I step over the pile of dirt, there are like two relatively fresh. Like in my family, we did graves for our loved ones when they pass away. And I've seen enough graves dug by hand to know what they look like. Yeah, I've heard some people

do that too. And they're like, and these weren't like, you know, too evenly play. They were just sort of haphazardly like dug kind of right there behind a bush. And I was like, man, like, you can just tell like somebody, because there's no reason that there would have been freshly done. dug piles of dirt approximately seven feet long and three feet wide out in the desert other than like somebody's like take these two out in the desert and bury them and I saw it and I was just like time to go like yeah I didn't call to cops like I was just like I'm not getting involved like I don't need my name on a witness report I don't want somebody showing up with my door I don't want to like country the old men's fingers like tendrils sticking up yeah yeah I'm kind of

course what I think. It was just like two graves out in the desert and I was like time to go. I mean, they've been there for a long time. I mean, this was at least I would guess six months to a year. And I know probably somebody like need some closure for a loved one or something, but I was like no, like I just

I don't want to get involved. Just whatever that, whoever they made mad, I hope they're at peace now and I'm just going to like dance back out of this. I'm out of here. Whoever they made mad. You can have stumbled upon a like a Hatfield and McCoy's situation. Best not to get involved.

Exactly, man. I had some friends of mine that were at a street race one time and like some guys that were, this isn't like St. Louis actually. And they were out there like racing with some people and there were some dudes off on the side and like I don't know what happened, but the guy just pulled a gun and like just smoked this guy like several times right there and the guy just fell off in the bushes. And they just went back to racing after what had this happened.

and my friends were just like, same thing. They were just casually turned their back, just sort of slowly started loading shit up in the car, just kind of like, we didn't see anything, just got in the car and drove away. Like, just. If you had called the police, that wouldn't have even made the news here.

Oh, no. It just happens all the time. The, just recently, I'm in Atlanta, and me and a buddy might go to Mellow Mushroom, my buddy Brent. And like, they've kind of closed. We're standing around the parking lot,

just talking about cars and stuff. And isn't that a pizza place? Yeah, yeah. So we're just kind of downtown Atlanta. And like, so we're standing in the parking lot. They're in there cleaning up. We're just leaning on our cars, talking shit. Across the street is like a vape store that like used to be like a gas station or something.

Now it's like a vape store. And this like pretty nice Audi comes like pulling in and kind of backs into a parking space like in the mella mushroom parking lot across the street. Now there's like one car in the parking lot of the vape store across the way. the guy behind the wheel, like he's just sitting there, cars idling, he's just sitting in the car, the passenger gets out and walks across the street. And I'm like, they're kind of like my backs of this. My buddy, like, he's pretty observant. He's like, yo, man, like, why would they park here and why would that guy walk across the street?

So I turn and like the guy, we watched the guy. He, like, walks to the vape store and, like, walks in the door and it just turns around. There's like nobody else in the store. I guess the one car was the employee, walks in the door, just turns around and locks the door, him with his guy still sitting in the car over in the parking lot with us and I was like time to go he's like no no it is like he's like the anti-superman you know you know we have seen exactly we've seen both of these guys faces we've seen their car and we call the cops like we're going to be on an action report somewhere we're going to be a witness like they're going to have

access to who we are so like I am like situation wearing it's like let's just get in the car. What's the opposite of a vigilante? I don't even know if there's a word for this. Just kind of an observer. Vagulante. I don't know. I was out of there, man.

I was like whatever things to go down, man. This is not my problem. I'm out of here because like, yeah, it's like if you witness a crime, like, do you think but like the people who like, I don't mean like you see somebody stealing a car? I'm talking about like obviously like, let's assume organized. crime type of stuff. Like, if you're a witness to that, like, you think they don't have access to your name and court records that they can't pay somebody off to say who it was.

And like, you don't want to, you like, what if you're like the one witness that can, like, identify this person and somebody just shows up at your house and smokes you? I'm like, man, this is not whatever the vape store guy did that made the guy in the outy mad and want him to make him one of the house. You're sitting there in the lot and you're just, you're like, I just lost my third boat. I don't need this. Exactly. You know, like, you know, and if like, I mean, yeah, if I'm at like the river and I see somebody floating down the river yelling for help, yeah, I'm going to jump in and save them.

You know, if somebody is like, what if you see somebody throw somebody in the river and then they give them. That's when you walk away. You're like, okay. No, that's not true. That's not. Too rich for my blood. I mean, it's a public pool. It's not even a river.

Yeah. If you can affect somebody saving something. somebody's life, absolutely. But when there's some like obviously like organized shit going down or like the body's in the desert, something else has obviously already gone down. Like you're not going to help the situation. I'm not going to like run into the vape store and be like the zombies survival team. You're like, you're almost like a crime forest gump where you're like this has nothing to do with me. And whatever that guy the vape store did, that's between him and the guy in the

but I'm going to go home. Like I'm just, I don't know. I want to get involved in this. Like, yeah, maybe I'm not that brave, but like, you know, I don't want to get shot. Like, I'll save you from a bear. Yes, I'll fight the bear. Or if some crackhead comes to, you like, if we're in the situation, I'm going to do something. But if it's something that would otherwise happen without me, with or without me, it's just

time to go, man. Let's just get in our cars and drive away. I don't need to know. You know, I don't need to stick around and wait for the gunshots. I don't need to identify the Audi driver or the. the other dude and the police lineup later. Like, my curiousness would have got me. Like, if I saw that situation, I would have wanted to see what happened.

Like, if he ran out with a bag. Did he bring a bag in? Is that how you even rob a vape store with a bag? Is there that much money? You just shrub it in your coat, maybe? Is he stealing merchandise or just the cash? Yeah, but if you're going to rob a store, you're probably not going to lock the door behind you. Like, like, I could see the clerk in the vape store.

Like when the dude walked in the door, like the clerk obviously was like a long like he knew the guy it wasn't just like scheme ass like this guy was like you know gold chain nice clothes like this is one of those like we're gonna make you an offer you can't refuse kind of scenarios like a vape store and like a vape store or like a you know convenient mart run by a foreigner might be one of the riskier places to rob like you want to find a place that's manned by american teenagers who don't give a fuck and step back immediately. we've all seen videos where some guy breaks into a vape store thinking he's going to steal you know $600 and then some Asian guy is like oh he turned his back that he's ultimate disrespect and then he stabs the guy the death of the booing knife that he produces from his ass reportedly that video is so good and that kind of runs never seen the video he's describing it is hilarious the dude jumps the counter at the vape store and homeboy is not having it he pulls out the biggest knife I've ever

seen. And start stabbing the perpetrator rapidly. And the thief literally says out loud, I'm dead. Yeah, it was like getting tagged in a video game where like you're like the blood starts coming. Oh, I'm dead. Fuck. Yeah. It was like when you

let your friends know, even though you're not quite dead, you just go ahead and let him know. Like, I'm dead. He was obviously dead after that first like giant knife stab. I don't know if he died for real. You could see, like, I didn't even know knives would disappear that fast into flesh. I thought there would be some sort of resistance. Was it like that springy one in the movies, you know, where it like disappears into the handle?

No, big, big old knife. I'm just kidding with you now. Yeah, that's. He fucked him up. And he, and they should have went in. They should have noticed in his eyes, the fire of a samurai, someone who was going to shut them down when they tried that. That, what you want is like some American kid who's like, I don't care. I'm actually high right now.

Yeah. This is definitely not a robbery. This had the look of like, we loaned you a lot of money to open the vape store and you haven't paid up or something. Like, this was personal, whatever it was. Again,

didn't stick around to find out. Like, there's a time to be a hero and there's a time to just walk away and let crime take care of it. Like criminal on criminal stuff, y'all can have that. Like, if it's like an innocent person,

yeah, I'm going to go in. We're going to do something. But if it's like two criminals, about to have some criminal to criminal stuff, that's time to go, man. You're not. that is not the time. Here's a good distinction.

Of the smoke shop samurai. Yeah, exactly. The smoke shop samurai. Yeah, it's great. Like, I've seen, I didn't know stabbing was, obviously,

you know, you see movies, getting stabbed is a bad thing, but I didn't know how bad stabbing was until I saw some, like, pictures of, of, like, hospital, like, wounds of people who had been stabbed.

I might rather get shot. If I have a choice between you, you stabbing me in the torso with a buoy knife and shooting me in the torso with like a 38. I mean, I probably try to run, but, but the 38 is going to come to mind and I'm going to have to be thinking hard because it's so gruesome. You're not wrong. So like first wife at the time was the ER nurse for years. And like she come in tell me all kind of and she was in Augusta, which like Augusta is like

really boozy people and like some really desperate people. Like there's not a lot of middle class in Augusta. And there's some sketchy areas. is there and that's where her hospital was at. And she come and tell me stories about people getting stabbed, people getting shot. And like, funny enough, like, like small calibers, like 22, 32, short, 380, that kind of stuff. Those are apparently more likely to kill you than like a 38 or 357 or something or 9mm. 9mm is kind of on the fence because like a relatively high caliber is going to like go in,

hit something, come out or stop. Like it's going to have a relatively straight trajectory. They know where to go in and clip this blood vessel. cut this, whatever. But if you get shot with something small, it'll ricochet off a rib, hit your spleen, bounce off your liver. It'll switch toze you inside and you'll bleed out

before they can find all the different rips and tears. Now, it doesn't have a lot of stopping power, but like if you want to stop somebody, shoot them with a big caliber gun and the EMTs is going to sweep them up. But if you definitely want to kill them, shoot them with a small caliber, and they'll die three hours from now

because they just can't stop the bleeding. And same thing with stabbing. Like, as you said, like per your point, Like stabbing is so violent. There's so much tissue damage. And due to the width of the blade, it just severs so many arteries and organs and things that they just can't repair the damage.

So yeah, blades are bad news, man. I'm like you. I'd rather be shot with a 9mm than stab for sure. It's like a nail clipper knife. Dude, this guy drives the knife into this guy's back like he was the guy setting Excalibur into the stone. Like just a brute.

cool just and then the guy's throwing like some down low toward the guy's hips and stuff like he's just stabbing him up like if the guy's trying to like block him but he's just like I'll stab you down here instead I bet after the first stab you're like I can do this the closest thing I ever had to that and it's a very uncool version is I fought off a mugger or I didn't fight off a mugger I deterred a mugger with a sword when I was dressed as captain hook and he tried to mug me probably thought you didn't have any money. Probably thought you didn't have a real sword. Oh, exactly. I'm like, it's like Halloween and Augusta again and wife at the time and I are like dating, I guess. She's dressed as Tankerbell. I'm Captain Hook. I've got this like, it's like a, I don't know,

some kind of Masonic sword I found in her mom's attic. It was like her granddad. It's like ceremonial thing. It was like a letter opener. But you know, it's three feet long, but it's not like a real bladed sword or anything. Anyway, so I've got that. I'm all just like a pirate sheet, whatever. We're walking back to the car after this party downtown Augusta. And there's like a $5 bill laid on the sidewalk. And I'm like, I mean, I'll run out in a court in the traffic for a quarter. I'm cheap. So I see a five. I'm like, hell yeah, five dollars. So as I bend over

for the five dollars, that was obviously the distraction. And this guy comes like hustling out of this little alleyway right there. And he's got like a, I don't know, like a little four inch knife. And he comes out of the alley with the knife. And I kind of look up as I'm bending over for the five and I see him. And like, all I can think to do is I just like fast draw

the sword and just like, and again, this is like a letter opener. But like, I could probably have stabbed the guy, but like, I didn't know it wasn't sharp. I just like swing and like pull it out. And the guy kind of hits the brakes and the tip just kind of like barely kisses him. Like right there kind of doing the on his like breastbone in the middle.

And he stops. And we both just kind of freeze because like he's got a real knife and he's obviously a criminal. I'm trying to present my girlfriend. I'm like pushing her behind me in a freaking Captain Hook outfit with a freaking fake ass sword. But it's made out of metal. I mean, I can actually like do some damage. Anyway, the guy stopped.

And there was this hilarious like three or four. I'm sure it was just a split second. In my mind, it was three or four seconds. We're like, he probably rehearsed this mugging in his mind all night long. But in no scenario, did the guy have a sword? And then he's just like, I was just like, on God. I was like, I was like, run. And the guy just took off running.

And I kept the $5. And like, I just did, I mean, hold him at sword point until the cops get there. Yarr, we drink it good tonight, Tinker. This is like 1995. This is like long before like cell phones and stuff. You know, so it just, yeah, it was hilarious. That was the only time I ever went like full blade on somebody.

It was with a fake ceremonial mason sword to get the mugger. And that criminal later that night is like falling asleep. And he's got like, he's got a, Wayne Gretzky, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take poster in this room. He's like, I'm, fuck, I'm never going to be good at this. Never, we're going to get. Worst mugger ever, but that was not even, I mean, my entire role was to pull a fake sword out. That's all I did.

So, yeah, no heroics in that story. That's slick. That's pretty funny. You mentioned Bowie Knife a minute ago. The legend is that that knife, Jim Bowie's knife was made out of a meteorite. And it was such a really like a high carbon or high nickel steel, which they didn't really have back in the day, that that knife was forged out of a meteorite, which is why it would hold a blade and hold an egg. didn't hold an edge and was sharper than anybody else's knife at the time. So, like, anyway, he was famous for fighting with it and getting duels with it and all kind of

shit. And when he was walking to the Alamo, he's one of the three stars on the Tennessee state flag. Tennessee is called the Volunteer State. That's Davy Crockett, Daniel Boone, and Jim Bowie were the three volunteers from Tennessee who went to the Alamo and died there. Jim Bowie's wife told him to get rid of that knife because it was bad luck. and he legend has it threw it into the Mississippi River on his way to the Alamo never to be seen again but somewhere the original Bowie Knife of all Bowie Knife fame ever since is somewhere in the Mississippi River and it's made out of a meteorite. And so the legend says.

I know ancient peoples did that because there's there's um they they found Egyptian meteorite blades and stuff. Oh wow. And it was a time before, you know, iron working was a thing. Copper was the was the shit at the time. that they would have these. Imagine what you would think, you know, a magical extra hard super metal fell from the heavens. Oh, yeah. Like,

I'd be, I would think, I would think I had a magic sword. I would just think I had a magic sword. Well, and you would. I mean, copper is so soft,

like copper in 10 makes bronze, but bronze is still pretty soft. It can be kind of brittle. Like, I mean, that level of nickel, iron nickel compound in a meteorite, yeah,

you need a lot of them. You need a lot of them. Yeah, but man, I mean, that would be like adamantium of the time. I mean, that would have just been tight time. I mean, nobody would have anything close to that. And like, what a high price substance that would have been back then, too. Yeah, probably so. That's cool, man.

Yeah. When I was like 19 or 20, I was going back to the gun thing a minute ago or the sword thing, really. Somehow I joined the VFW. I think you're supposed to be a veteran to join the VFW. They signed me up anyway. You, sir. And because it was like a, and we'd hang out there and play poker. We'd have like high stakes poker games.

And there was a guy there who was the bartender. I don't think they're supposed to serve alcohol, but they got a bar there. And the bartender was this ugly motherfucker. I can't remember his name. But he had a lighter that looked like a pistol. And he'd always get the thing out and goof around with it and light his cigarettes. And he'd light your cigarette. If you ask for a light, you'd kind of draw it on you.

And it came a little running joke. If somebody was new, they, they, they, They didn't know what was happening at first. And then we apparently, he hooked up with this lady, this ugly motherfucker, and they spent the night at a notorious motel in town in Royston, Georgia. And then what happened was she woke up in the middle of the night and went over to have a cigarette in the room. And you know how you cup your hand like this when you light one up to guard from the wind with your left hand up here? She did that with that lighter.

And bang! She blew a hole through her left hand. it was a 25 auto that he also owned. Oh, no. And so everybody joked that what really happened was she woke up and saw the ugly son of a bit she was with and tried to kill herself. We ripped on him about that for like years after that. That is a great bit to have a real gun that looks like you're fake letter.

That is like, no pulling punches. That's hilarious. That's totally. That is an awesome story. And, like, I mean, completely plausible, too. I mean, like, that's, you know, I mean, that can so totally happen. But, man, what are the chances? Like, gosh.

Who has a 25 auto? Who has one of those? That's a good piece of stuff. Yeah. A lot of people carry those little piece of shit pocket pistols. You can get them for like 200 bucks at the pawn shop. You know, they work. Isn't that like a little, like Derringer-sized thing, like teeny?

Yeah. It's a small bullet, but it's got. It's got some pop to it and you got, you know, you got several pops to go, you know, and it's little. It's a little pistol of fit in a gene pocket and not take up a lot of space. So definitely go in your jacket pocket and not and just be in there like keys or something. A lot of people carry those.

He did. I've got a little danger. It's like, it's the size of like my thumb. It holds like four like 22 magnums and it's got like a half inch barrel on it. Like there's like when you cock it, the trigger kind of comes out. Yeah, just a little.

It's just a revolver. But you have like, Okay, okay. I know what you're talking about. Okay, yeah. Yeah, but it's, it's, I mean, you'd have better look, like throwing it at somebody over five feet away. I mean, it is the most inaccurate. But if it, like, point blank, I mean, I wouldn't want to get shot with that thing, man.

You stick that in somebody's ribs, man, point blank. It would be bad news. Yeah. Yeah, but, yeah, those little pimp guns, man, those are dangerous. It's the, you know, the big dirty hairy guns and stuff are great movies. But the people that carry the little ghetto guns like that, man, that's, they know how to use them. man, I don't want to mess with that. Our guest last week is out in California.

He's a pretty liberal guy, and he'd gotten his first handgun ever. Wow. He's a few years older than me. And we're like, what did you get? Show us. And he's like, can I show guns on here? And we're like, yeah, yeah, go get it, get it. And he pulls out an eight and a half inch anaconda 44 magnum that's chromed out.

Yeah, yeah. The perfect starter gun. The perfect starter gun. If I were trying to prank someone who asked me, what should be my first gun? I'd be like probably a 44 Magnum revolving. I mean, he's right. He can shoot those 44 specials in it. In that heavy gun, that'd make it pretty fucking manageable to shoot.

But he is saying it hurts his hand. He just needs to get some new grips or something like that. He's going to lock his wrist more. He'll get the hold of it. And then everything else is going to feel easy as hell after that. Yeah, I mean. He gets a lock 19 and starts plinking. He's going to be like,

This is incredible. No kick at all. I've got a, I keep a 1911 and a 12 gauge in the office just because that's where I am most of the time. But yeah, man, it was big as I found a Glock 35 in the front yard

right before Thanksgiving. Like, again, I live in Gainesville, Georgia. So like an armed illegal guy, according to the cop, stole a truck from a contractor,

took a gun that was also stolen, killed somebody with the gun, was, fleeing the same night. Like he wasn't being chased by the cops, but he hits somebody head on in front of my house and flipped the truck into the yard. I go running outside to like, you know, just render A, see what's going on, call 911.

Of course, you call 911. There's like a pickup truck hits another pickup truck head on in front of the house. One pickup truck, the non-stolen truck is a guy like with a hot shotter, like a goose neck hauling cars. There's cars all over the road. One truck's flipped over. The other trucks crashed. I call 911.

and they're like, well, can you, I give them the address. I'm like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, road. They're like, okay, you know, head on collision, multiple cars involved. Well, can you describe the cars? I'm like, man, like send a day, like, go to the address. It's the cars in the head-on collision. Send me five pops and ambulance at a fire truck. Based on your other stories, I was half picturing you to walk out, see the problem and go,

not for me. No, no, no. And this kind of case, yeah. I mean, this is like, as far as I know at the time, this is like innocent person, you know. And again, like, I will save an innocent person, but I'm not going to get involved in, like, criminal versus criminal. So anyway, so I hear the crash. I go running outside, you know, thinking somebody's dead. There's a, like, a series of curves in front of my house.

And there's, like, about twice a year, there's, like a good crash out there. So this was this one. So I go running outside, like, the truck's on its side. Somebody, a passerby is already helping the guy across the road. He's okay. He's banged up, but he's all right. It was like a Dodge Dooley that got hit head on by like a Nissan Titan or something. So, like, anyway, the truck that's flipped over.

over in the yard, I'm like looking in the truck. There's nobody there. There's another guy car stops. We're looking for the guy. Like the truck like rolled onto its side, but it wasn't like a violent flip. Like all the shovels and tools and stuff were all within about 10, 15 feet of the truck. So I'm looking and I'm like, where's the guy? Is he under the truck?

No. And I'm like, windchills been kicked out. I'm like, crap. This guy has fled the scene. Of course, I live in Gainesville, Georgia. That's what everybody does after an accident. You flee the scene. So I'm like, great.

There's a, there's a guy who was like on the list. with the reason to hide. It's like, crap. So I go grab my piece. I go, like, sweep the, I left the front door opens. I go run back in the house, sweep the house, make sure he's not inside.

I'm like, I've already called 911. Somebody else did too. I'm checking the barn. I'm checking under all my trucks. Just making sure the guy's not like trying to steal another car and split the scene or whatever. Anyway, the cops show up. Yes, this guy's like wanted for murder.

So I'm like, great. There's like an armed murderer around the house. So like, they're out here in the woods with like, it's like the state patrol. They got hound dogs. It's like, it's like, in, but they got bloodhounds and dogs, and they're sweeping everywhere. Like, I'm like, great, man. This guy, they don't find him all night long. This happens at like

9 o'clock at night or so. They don't find him all night. I'm sitting up all night long in my kitchen with a shotgun, just waiting for some guy to come crawling in the door to try to steal a car or a gun or something. So, like, sun comes up next day. I'm like, great. Of course, another armed murderer guy on the loose. So I go out in the front yard to, like, pick up all the debris from the crack because they towed the trucks off and all that stuff. But there's like car parts all in my front yard. They've run it out the grass. Yards fucked.

I go outside, like right where the cops are all standing, there's a Glock 35 with an extended mag just pressed into the mud right there in the front yard, like right next to the road. And I'm like, great. So, you know, part of me, kind of like. I get some dirt on it. I'm not getting involved. Because like, here's the thing. Like I said, the VNWiki story at times, somebody tried to car.

jacked me and I drove off and ended up with the gun in the car like hey free gun but I'm like nah obviously like somebody has been killed with this gun I don't need it but I can't leave it stuck in the front yard either because there's so many like fentanyl zombies and tweakers that wander up down the highway out here I'm like well that's no good they're gonna find it so I get like a big like one gallon zip lock and do like the dog park thing you know like reach through the bag grab the gun put it into the bag I call the cops take some hours to come out finally and then the cops are like you know did you know the suspect Was there any reason he would have disposed this weapon in your front yard?

Blah, blah, blah. They're like grilling me about it. I'm like, dude, like, what's more likely? An armed illegal guy in a town that is 75% armed illegal guys, steals a car, killed somebody, flips it in my front yard, loses the gun, which y'all don't find because you're literally standing on it. And then I find it in my yard the next day. Or this is some huge conspiracy between me and the Mexican cartel

and this highly staged five-car car accident and this whole, whole night with the police just so he could drop the murder weapon in my yard and I could be cut loose with it for 10 hours before I called you like no dude you missed the damn gun come get it like anyway it was a big dude they're probably embarrassed I'm sure I mean like literally like they were all like standing around everywhere like they were looking with their flat like they must have stepped on this gun 50 times it's just right there like jello molded into the mud in the front yard it was not a shining moment for them but but yeah same thing like yet again I ended up with a free gun, but turned it in because, again, I don't want to, like, that be the gun I got to defend myself with, and somehow it's connected to some other murder in my neighborhood.

You know, the barrel. It's bad bad juju anyway. Yeah, yeah, I just, yeah, I don't want a murder weapon. I mean, I already have a truck that somebody was murdered in. I don't need a gun to go with it, so. That's a shitty block anyway. Yeah, it was beat up, too, man. Your mic's doing something odd.

Oh, mine is. Woody's. Oh. Yeah, you're very loud, like tons of gain. It didn't change. Is it also still too loud? It seems to be auto-correcting now. Maybe that's it.

Look at that. Perfect. Fine. It's like literally like fixing itself as you talk. Okay. Or maybe it has to do with me putting a mute for a few minutes. Right on. Speaking of microphones, just some props out to Zach because like I'm terrible with technology

and like he didn't even know like what I had. He could just see in the photo. He could see like this much in my microphone. microphone. He's like, oh, that's the one you got. Just knob, click this thing. This dude was like on point, man. Like, I am completely in that when it comes to anything technological. And he had me like miced up, ready to go, balanced out in a minute. So he's a rock star. Your mic is good. Cool, cool. Did you see this link I sent that NASA is sending a manned mission to not land on the moon, but orbit the moon and come back? Yeah, that's pretty cool. They're going to go around the moon and come back. No sooner than February 6th. I vibe that is this year. Do I have it wrong?

I think it's this year. Oh, I thought you just said next year. Maybe I misheard. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I think it's this year. No sooner than February 6th does give them a lot of leeway. An infinite amount. Yeah, that could be 2057.

Let's go. My friend Taha is a NASA guy, and he handles. like data transfer for that Artemis program. He gave me a mission patch from Artemis that I've got from my cannonball jackets. It's pretty cool. That's cool. But pretty dope, you know, like, I guess it was Michael Collins or, no, it wasn't

Michael. It was the Apollo 13 guys were like the farthest, I guess, from Earth that anybody's ever been. Michael Collins went around it while Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong were on the moon, but the Apollo 13 guys that couldn't land were on a farther orbit out so they could slingshot back to Earth. Like, they were like the three farthest people from, earth that have ever happened in history.

So like if this guy, like this man mission they're sending next, it goes even farther than that, they'll be like the farthest people from home in history. That's pretty cool. I wonder if it beats all the other countries as well. Yes. I don't know.

I don't think any other countries have put a man around the moon either. I don't think so. I know like Russia and China have put some landers on the moon. India has to Mexico might have. It seems like it's easy to lander on there these days. but I don't think anyone has sent a man out to go around the moon even except for the United States. Yeah, I don't think anybody's been outside of like, I guess, low Earth orbit even. I mean, like the, you know, yeah, it was just the Apollo missions would have been it.

Yeah. That's what Google says. Apollo 13, I guess, is the farthest we've been. That's what you said, right? Yeah, yeah. Although I guess there's like the Cold War rumor that like the Russians sent a man mission there and they didn't make it and they just kept it quiet. Yeah. Yeah, there's a lot of talk that.

they were burning up astronauts to be ahead of the curve. You know, like every now and then they would just, some guy would get burned alive and they would just act like the mission didn't happen because I admit to the failure. He was not loyal enough. I always feel bad about the monkeys and stuff they send up there. Like, Bobo just gets sent up there and left to suffocate or whatever. So I looked it up one time because, like, you know,

you hear all these stories about the Russian space program. Like, you know, you used to assume they're like up there with like screened and duct tape and PVC pipe and stuff. But if you look, like I looked at the fatality rates for both the U.S. and the Russian space program, they have an almost identical, it's a 1% fatality rate, identical with both space programs. However, the U.S. actually loses more people in space or on the way to or from space. Russia lost more of their people on the ground. Like one time, like some guys landed, because, you know, like we land out in the ocean,

they pick them up, you know, big photo, ticker tape, all that kind of stuff. Russians would land out in, like, the middle of Siberia, like, days away sometimes, like, you know, too far out to get helicopter because they can't carry the gas. Like, they had some guys that, like, landed out there, and, like, they couldn't pop the bolts on the capsule, and they just ran out of air before they could get to them. Some other cats, like, landed and got out and, like, were, like, literally, like, attacked by wolves and were killed. Other guys, like, were, like, landed, and, like, they were, like, waiting over through the night, I guess, for the people to come and.

get them and like a wind came up, picked up their parachute, and drug them off a big cliff. Like, you have a better chance, like back in the 60s, you had a better chance of getting back to Earth alive with the Russians than you did with the Americans. But once you were on the ground, you were screwed. However, despite having a 1% fatality rate that is not the most dangerous job in the world. And, you know, people are going to, you would guess, like, you know, oil worker, crab fishermen, whatever. it's president of the United States. There have been like, what, 40,

I can't remember how many terms, but 47 presidents, and three of them have been killed in office. So that's like a, what, 9%? I mean, it's going to be a 6% fatality rate. And several of them had been shot. Yeah, oh, exactly. Yeah, Reagan, people like that. Roosevelt, Reagan, Trump.

Yeah. So, like, and like, I guess, Harding, I can remember whoever else got assassinated and then like Hamilton got shot by Aaron Burb. Did that shot kill him or was that just a duel? I don't remember. I thought that was a duel.

Yeah, but anyway, like, you know, that beats the shit out of like saturation diver. And like there's a lot of jobs out there with a pretty high fatality rate that pay a shit ton. But president of the United States, the most heavily guarded person in the world, still the most likely to get killed on the job than any of the job out there. What about logging was the most dangerous job?

I would, I mean, I'm sure it is, but I would, the only thing is regular job, I'm thinking. Oh, regular job. Yeah, I mean, obviously present, not regular job. But nonetheless, 6% or 6% or change or whatever that math works out to. I went to art schools. I don't do math. But, like, that's pretty crazy, though, man, like 6%.

That's a really good chance you're going to die. Logging has a, let's see, 3.7 average rate. Yeah, logging is the most dangerous by far. that's not something like president. Number two, what do you think? Number two, after-wage. And is it totally unrelated to logging? It's like a different kind of logging.

I would get some kind of underwater welding or something? Offshore rigging? Is that its own trade? What would that be? Those aren't in the top five. Really? Underwater weld or not either? Nope. Wow.

Okay, hold on, hold on. Crab fisherman. It's a trade? That is number three. fishing and hunting workers. Okay. So I got one in three. I'm feeling pretty good.

I'm family feuding this. Is it like an oil field? Like a oil derrick workers? Not specifically, although helpers and construction trades is like number four. Number two is roofers, which is hilarious. It makes so much sense.

Because just a little slip, just a little trip and fall, and you're tumbling off. A friend of a friend went that way. Is it like a firefighter or some kind of like, first responder type thing? Roofers is number two. And then commercial fissures number three,

construction laborers, number four, aircraft pilots and flight engineers. I would not have asked aircraft pilots and flight engineers at all. Yeah, there's like so many air flights every day. Are they counting military history?

I don't know. Because there is just a year to, no, this is year to year? Huh. Is it like something like, is number one like bomb squad or something? something like law enforcement related or it's locking number one.

Logging is number out. I thought there was a set for different high. Yeah. If anything, it seems like delivery truck drivers should be higher and aircraft pilots should be low because like they're driving nonstop. And like we all see those figures where it's like you'd have to take a jillion flights to rid equal the risk of one, you know, cross country journey in America and a car.

Now that I see it, I understand how it makes sense. Although I would have guessed maybe the delivery truck driver. don't tend to get as hurt. Like, it's the other car that gets messed up. Oh, yeah, it's just fatalities, you're right. But I guess not. A plane crash is much worse than a car crash. Yeah, yeah.

When you hear someone survived a plane crash, like, oh, thank God. Lucky them. But when you hear somebody survived a car crash, yeah, that's kind of par for the course. Most people survive them. I wonder if it's people outside the plane that are getting hurt a lot. It says pilots and flight engineers.

I don't know what a flight engineer is. I thought a flight engineer was like the co-pilot guy back there with all the switches and levers and shit. Oh, I was picturing the person with the waving flags and all the luggage people. Yeah, no, I think the flight engineer is like the guy, sort of like a ship's engineer. Like he's sort of in charge of like all the, you're making sure the hydraulics work, all the electronics, keeping everything like functionally on the plane going on. I think that's that person's job. That's what I thought, you know, the mechanicals of flaps and all the that kind of

stuff, you know, bleed air and everything off the engine and all that. But, uh, but wow, man, that's, oh yeah, it's the second officer. It's a guy on the plane. It's not the people who get sucked into the engines outside. That will never not be funny. I'm sorry. I know what to traffic for somebody, but when I see you get literally sucked off your feet into a fucking turbine engine, I got to think like that, man, that's, that would be

rough to see in person if that was you that got sucked in. But oh, my God. Jones were the guy. Is that funny too? Well, no, that's kind of fucked up.

That's pretty grisly. This happened. Sorry, go ahead, Chris. No, please go ahead. I'm sorry.

I was saying what you're describing, Kyle, happened in Atlanta at, I don't recall the name of your airport, the Atlanta airport. Hart's Hill Jackson Airport. Like maybe two years ago, some lady got sucked into an engine

because she was just traipsing about, I guess, beyond the yellow line. It was like one of those workers. Woody was, She was stoned. Usually someone who, oh, she was stoned. Yeah.

How did they do that? You just test one little piece of pulp on the other side. The guy who was in charge was like, we had just had the safety meeting where I explained to everyone. And she was standing right next to me. And I explained to everyone that because the plane had a malfunctioning, who's he what's it, the engines had to stay at 15% on the ground. And they would not be powering down on the left side.

everyone was made aware and she kept approaching until she was just taken off her feet and sucked in she were screaming at her not to and she didn't hear us and it's like this is all on her that's crazy

to be told multiple times like hey hey take a longer route to the luggage to grab because you're going to get sucked in and then to hear that and be like bullshit the screaming I get because we double up on hearing protection and there's a jet engine but

I mean, I would imagine they were saying this in like their briefing. Like, not like, hey, last second, guys, don't walk near the engine. Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure. Yeah, he said that we were screaming at him. And then there's that other video where this guy commits suicide via turbine engine. He's like running onto the tarmac and they're trying to stop him. And he's just like, like he's supermans into it like it's going to.

And it just, I saw the pictures of the blades. They're all broken and chipped up. And there's just me all inside. the like front of the engine. Yeah. That guy's flight had been delayed for the last time. He's like, I'm taking the fight to Southwest directly.

If American Airlines had anything to do with it, I would not be surprised, man. That is the most dive. I fly 50 times a year. That is the most diabolical airline of all time. But the Atlanta airport, though, like obviously I live in Atlanta, north of Atlanta coming out of there.

That place is just off the chain, man. That airport, the signage is terrible. the hostility of the people who work there. It is, it's a brutal airport, man. It is, every time I go there, there's like some Atlanta,

like the Atlanta airport final boss, I call it. It's like the one person that just embodies Heartsfield airport every time. It's just, it's crazy. We have no patience for the rude TSA agent. Like,

I don't like rude cops either, but I'll hear people be like, well, you know, cops are dealing with the worst shitheads all day every day. And it's like, oh, yeah,

they probably have a bit of a chip on their shoulder from that. TSA agents, they're dealing with people trying their best to comply with these ham-handed ridiculous rules. And they still act like me trying to get to like fucking Memphis is an inconvenience for them. Like that me being there has made them upset. I hate that. The St. Louis TSA are fucking horrible. Like every time I go through, there's three guys working like dogs trying to do everything.

And then there's a bunch of people talking standing around. It seems to be a pattern in a lot of airports. Like a lot of government jobs, there's like three just grinding, trying to make things work out and everyone else is phoning. Find me a workplace where 10, 15% of the employees aren't doing 90% of the work. Yeah. That's true.

Especially in the government, I guess. My friend Calvin is a TSA agent here in Atlanta. And Calvin's cool as shit. And he will tell me the most hilarious stories. He's like, yes, 100%. Like, he and a couple of other people are doing most of the work. But, like, he gets pulled into some, like, really weird situations, too. But the crazy stuff they deal with, like, a dude trying to, like, like, I can, like, it's

spent like a month or so. I heard you my same. I'll tell me the stories. What happened? He said, man, like, we had a guy trying to smuggle a bunch of baby boa constrictors and a guitar. He said at least once a month, I get somebody in, like, a furry helmet with, like, a rabbit or a raccoon or something. And they don't want to take the furry helmet off to be.

screen because they identify as a raccoon. And like, he's like, well, look, like raccoons got to fly in a crate in the cargo area. And like, I can have animal control come down here. We'll put you in it. You know, but like the crazy that they deal with, like, like, like, they've had got, like, you know, guys dresses women that are like seven foot four and their heels are like so long that the spikes on the heels technically count as weapons. And they won't let them pick the heels on their carry on and they flip out.

like he has just told me these absolutely over the top stories that goes down at TSA but like but I'm with you with that though like one time the one of the times I got married we left for our honeymoon like it was like Christmas morning

like I'm in my tuxedo she is David of Christmas Eve anyway she's in her wedding dress I'm in my tuxedo she has like the little shorty wedding dress from like like that 70 Seymour head on in that November rain video like we're like We're like running through the airport,

we're all excited. People are like cheering and yay, whatever. And then we get a TSA. And for whatever reason, TSA decided that, like, she was the terrorist arrest that day.

Like, she's got, like, a tiny handbag, and she's wearing a mini skirt wedding dress with the whole veil and everything on. They're like, nope,

she's the terrorist. They pull her off to, like, the full, like, body search, like, off site,

like, pull her off into, like, she's like, you run ahead and try to hold the plane. so I'm like booking it through the airport with my tuxedo on. Like they stripped her down to her underwear.

Like felt her, probed her, everything. Like, it's like Christmas morning, you're a bride. Like, you're the terrorist risk, really? And like, she did barely make the plane, but she gets on the plane all out of breath. I tried to stall them as long as I could. And she was telling me, she's like, you know, when you run through an airport and it's a bride in the groom, everybody like applauds and cheers for you. But if you're running through an airport and you're just the bride, she said,

women are like, you go, girl, you don't need that man. You can do it. You know, like, everybody thought she was like, runaway bride. Like, TSA held her for like 45 minutes, just like going through like every seam of her bra. Like, I think it was just some pervy people. I don't know what, like, she obviously could not be the terrorist risk. However, in 2014, I had some crazy crap go down at Heathrow Airport that I've looked in the news for months trying to find something, couldn't find it. So I had been living in London for a while.

I was coming back to the States. And I'm like walking in from the parking deck. And I see these like four guys. This is 2014. So we're 13 years out of 9-11 at this point. Still, you know, tensions are high. I see four like 20-something year old Middle Eastern guys. And this is stereotyping, but I guess TSA did as well. So I see them walking into the airport. And, we're in the parking deck together. They're a few feet away from me. Like nobody's got any bag. Within the international terminal,

nobody's got any bags. And they're walking. If it was like the four of us going somewhere, we'd all be elbowing each other and making jokes and talking or, you know, something. But these guys were like, nobody was talking.

They were just kind of. Nervous for some reason. Nervous for some reason. Nobody's talking. I'm like, that's kind of suspicious. So I get into the terminal. Sure enough,

they've gone through like into the international terminal. I'm like, ah, this doesn't feel good. They go through, security, you know, they don't have anything on them. They got like, you know, shirts and pants, whatever. So now we're in a terminal.

We get separated, whatever. Damn it, if they're not on my flight. And this is like, you know, transcontinental flight, you know, big wide body, a lot of gas in it. They're on my flight. I'm like, damn. Like, you know, I mean, the guys, like, I don't know. I mean, I saw them come in, no luggage. Who flies to America from England with no luggage?

I saw them come in. I'm like, you know, right about the time, I'm like, okay, you know, do I just say something? well crap you know like i mean how many these people must be every single teenage middle eastern kid must be getting so used to getting harassed maybe they're like maybe they're so tired to get in profile they just mailed all their shit ahead and they're just gonna fly because they're tired of getting searched and profiled as terrorists i was it kind of a like fuck it point in my life anyway so i was like you know what i'm just going to roll the dice whatever if i die i die is what you

thought exactly i'm just going to get on a plane so i'm really i'd rather i'd rather be blown up in the air and be called racist right now. Exactly, exactly. And it was just kind of like one of those, like, I'm tired and I just don't care anymore. Not that I had a death wish. I'm just like, whatever. I could just do whatever.

So, we die. Exactly. Before we could get up to report right away. They had these funny flame retardant passports. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, a roaming candle alarm clock and this bowling ball candle, you know.

So anyway, so like before we board the plane, like all of a sudden they stop everybody from boarding the plane. and, you know, like, there's like the little hamster tube that, like, goes out from, like, the terminal to the airport to the airplane. They, like, they stopped that and they moved, like, another one in, so it shaped like a Z. So it's like, like this. So, like, once coming off the terminal, then you make a turn and there's like a blind corridor, and then you make another turn to get to the plane. So, like, a lady gets called, like, they're calling people individually.

So they call her, she goes to get on a plane. They call these four guys. They all go to get on the plane. And then, like, I'm up next. and as I get down to like I'm just making the turn as right as I turn the corner the guys are like 50 feet ahead of me like doors on the outside of this thing just like open up like arms grab these guys like a magic trick they just went swoop like a snap and they were gone like it was it was like a trap door like they just like the door the walls just were like trap doors like just these like black like tacked their arms with the glove just snap and they were gone in a split second and like the lady like way up in front of me like she turns and kind of of looks back and she's looking to me and I'm looking at her. And then they got like everybody off the airplane again who had already boarded and they unpacked everybody's shit.

We sat there for like two hours. They unpacked the whole plane, search the plane. We all got on the plane. Obviously flew home. Like I'm Googling it. I'm like never found another word about it. But like I don't know if these guys were like one and they had them on camera. I don't know if they're like biometric thing just picked up like four young guys walking by

themselves and no luggage in an international terminal. yeah I should have said something but I was just kind of tired and was like you know what he could have been a complete hero of yeah I missed my man destined to not be a hero that is not me but anyway I mean I fly a lot so like you see a lot of stuff but man he literally didn't he saw terrorists boarding his plane it was like not my problem you know I'm gonna make a stink about it I'm gonna be like these fucking Persian guys smell like five different kinds of Cologne. All wearing sandals.

Sounds like they're making the stink. Yeah. I didn't get close enough to smell them. But yeah, there's a certain, you've reached a certain point in your life where you've been married so many times and like you just kind of get that like,

not that I want to die or anything, but like my level of involvement with stuff at this point in my life is just kind of like, me, you know. Listen to this, Taylor.

He's been so beaten down. Yeah, whether these guys blow me up in the sky. or not, I've got the same number of boats, don't I? Maybe parts of me will land on my boat. Jesus, right? I think people freak out of the airport,

and I would be so afraid, like, even if it weren't my fault to, like, raise my voice and make a stink at the airport, because you look insane, and anybody raising their voice in an airport looks insane and unreasonable. Like, you never look like you're in the right, and you're just mad about this injustice.

Everybody's like, oh, is it terror? Is it terror? Oh, no, it's a white person. Hey, stop doing that. They're looking for terrorists. You're distracting them from the terrorists. Meanwhile, the TSA never caught a terrorist. I'm too young to like remember the world.

I think I flew maybe twice in my whole life pre-9-11 as a kid. Like, was it like that where like, do you guys remember? Like, if people were making a stink at the front counter, was it just like someone making a stink at Coles or homes? Depot or something, you didn't feel any different. And now, because of 9-11, it's like, oh, this is sketchy. I feel like people didn't make a stink until the last 10, 15 years. Like, it's become a thing now where, like, people get incredibly offended or people are being incredibly offensive on planes. They do a thing where the number one cause that I see for airport

meltdowns is someone is too drunk to get on the plane. Like, they've been drinking, waiting on their plane to take off. And now they're like, you're too drunk. aboard the plane. You'll have to get a new plane. We'll refund you and you'll have to go back to the ticket kiosk and you're going to be four or six hours late, but they never can take that because they're too drunk

to like be okay with that. So they end up arguing until now you're banned from Spirit Airlines. Now you can't fly. You'll have to go back all the way to the front of the airport and book with another airline and they're like fuck that, I'm getting on that plane. And they start hassling people and trying

to physically go. And now the cops dragging you out with a spit mask on talking about how stupid you are. The problem isn't that you're too drunk. The problem is that you're not a chilled drunk. If you can walk it all, they'll let you fly.

You just got to be relaxed about it. You got to stop draw attention to yourself. I feel like that's the great, like the level of drunk you'd have to be for a, like, an airport to be like, we'd rather you stay in the terminal has got to be so bananas. Because think about the airport. The airport, the

airport is like the place where people board drink more than anywhere else socially. Like you get there way too early for your flight. What else are you going to do? Sit down and have a couple drinks and like some of the worst chicken nugs you've ever had in your life. Like that's what you do. I don't do it.

Yeah, $35. I get bored. I almost always eat at the airport. I'll drink, but I won't buy. I don't want to eat. I'm not going to drink without snacks. I'm getting a bloody merry. Yeah.

Comes with snacks. I had a buddy mine. I went to buy a burrito at L.A.X. It was like $42, he said. Like a chicken box at the Bojangles at the Atlanta airport is like $42.50 or something. Like airport food is crazy expensive. It's bananas. It's all terrible.

Oh, it is. Funny airline food thing. So I was flying out of Mumbai, India. And so I'm in like the nosebleed seats in the very back, you know, cattle class, even though cattle are sacred. Anyway, I'm in the back of the beach. plane. It's like, you know, it's again, it's an intercontinental flight to England. So it's like a big wide body, big old plane. As we're sitting there waiting to taxi off, the plane has to come to a stop. I guess maybe we're not leaving the gate. Anyway, some dudes up in first class, two Indian guys had like a

Tupperware of some kind of like rice dish or something. It was so punch. I can smell it in the back, but the other passengers in first class, all, like we're trying to get them to put it away. They wouldn't do it because, of course, they're not working down. Get fucked. was a strike with, but all the first-class passengers stood up and refused to take their seat unless, to let the plane take off, unless these guys got rid of that stanky food they were eating, and they weren't going to do it. And finally, like, the pilot had to come out there. And he was, like, like, get rid of your nasty food. I'm going to throw you off the plane. And they were like,

no, we're not doing it now. You're not going to tell me what to do. And it involved, like, airport security. And finally, the guys were like, okay, we're going to get rid of the nasty food. They came like with a, some stewardess put in a garbage bag, and everybody applauded. It was that punting and nasty. I don't know what these guys were eating. So finally we take off. I'm like, I've got like a bad cold.

I call it in Malaysia. I took some cold medicine that was like knocking me out more than I expected. So like, anyway, I'm just barely conscious. I remember at a different time on that flight, we're like somewhere over the Indian Ocean. And they're coming on like the,

I wake up because the PA, they're going through like something in like 15 different languages. They finally get around to English. They're asking if there's a doctor on the plane. and saying that we may have to land in Tehran, in Iran for an emergency, and I'm like, crap. But anyway, I think we can probably make it to Istanbul or something, right?

Oh, my God, yeah. It's a hundred of an emergency. What, either the person died or it was resolved, because we ended up not having to land, I think, remember? Maybe we touched down in, like, Istanbul or Saudi Arabia somewhere. I was so out of, I can't remember. But a different time, though, a friend of mine flew to Vegas from Atlanta, and a cat died.

I do not an actual cat. Oh, okay. A guy died on the flight. And like they didn't, I guess, not know what to do with him. So they like, they basically, was that? Like a black guy. He's like a beatneck. That's what I think of when you say a cat die.

Oh, sorry. No, just any dude. Sorry, that's just my lexicon. But anyway, just some guy dies on the plane, has a heart attack, something like that. Well, they like did know what, they just laid the guy's body. Like, you know, you get the kind of the part like where the cat, like the, the, the, the, pilot's areas right in front of you and you kind of turn where they got all the coffee makers, all that kind of shit.

Like they just laid the guy out there dead until the flight landed with everybody looking down the aisle at the dead guy. And then when they landed, like for some reason, rather than like having like EMTs or a stretcher or something, I think somebody put a coat over the guy's face or something, but the tenant just left the guy just laying there, staring at the ceiling dead for the rest of the flight. When they landed,

I mean, she was all, my friend was all like emotionally kind of tore up by this. when they landed, there were no like stretchers. There was no EMTs waiting. Like everybody on the plane had to literally step over this dead guy to get off the plane. This was only like two or three years ago. And, you know, she was like really upset. I mean, because, you know, I mean, she, you know, that's kind of upsetting to people that have been around dead bodies before. Like, I can't remember what airline it was.

Again, it was probably American. But like, like, how big bag? You have to like step over him and then hear the kerthunk of you rolling over. Oh, this guy gets so much leg room. The fuck. The guys got like track marks over his face. I didn't think about that. Oh, interesting.

It was my understanding. This guy must have died of a pretzel overdose because we didn't receive any on the flight. Yeah, really. Yeah. But anyway, like, just what a total mismanagement of that airline. And like, I got stuck over the summer in Canada. I had a flight book again, American. I had a flight booked.

We get on the plane. They're like, oh, we can't find a pilot because we got delayed in Charlotte or something. And now they're timing out of hours. So get off the plane. Well, we'll find another pilot. Get back off the plane. Then they're like, okay, wait around three hours. So we wait three hours.

And then they were like, okay, we're going to have to get a plane tomorrow. So go find somewhere to stay. And it's like 500 people. They're like, go find a hotel. We'll pay you back for the hotel. Of course, they didn't. And they're now denying the whole thing. I'm still fighting with them.

But anyway, it's like, go get an Uber. Go find a hotel. They're like, we've checked every flight in Seattle. And there's two different airports. in Vancouver. We check the other airport. We check Seattle. There's no flights out to Atlanta. You're not getting out tonight. Well, it turned out there were several flights. They just lied about that too. They wanted to show up the next day. We show up the next day. And then they're like, get on the plane. They're like, no, we're not going anymore. Good luck. Here's your money back.

And they just like refund you my $118 ticket or whatever. But like when you book a ticket three months in advance, it's a couple hundred bucks, two hundred bucks. On the spot, it's like $1,800. They're just like, eh, we gave you your money back. We don't know you anything. And I'm like, yo, like I paid you to get me to a place. You cost me like $1,400 in additional fees plus hotels. And they're like, American. American. I know. I always do Delta. I will fly bungee corded to the top of a spirit before I get on another American airline. Like they literally like, I mean, I'm in like, I mean, granted, it's just Canada. but like I'm in another country and they're like sorry find your own way home like they just

get fucked yeah just yeah good fuck good luck and I'm still fighting them on it like they owe me like uber money they owe me debt like I spent a whole other day in Vancouver thankfully my friend Lewis lives in Vancouver so I could just Uber to his house but like still I mean I got it's hotel bills it's food it's all kind of Uber for people like that cost people hundreds of thousands of dollars because the only hotels are like $500 at that point of the night Yeah, airlines have to pay you if they inconvenience you like that. They say they do, but then every time I call them, they just refer me to like a number that nobody ever answers or they give me some claim number and I call somebody and they say they're going to call me back. They're just sandbagging it.

I was trying to avoid politics, but Trump undid it. Yeah. Undid that they can do that or undid it that they can't. It used to be if like your flight got canceled, they would owe you money, you know, hotels, expenses, etc. or whatever it is that they cost you. And then that's not the case anymore. Well, my health insurance might have $1,000 a month too. So, yeah, that's also.

Trust in the process, guys. Come on. Give it that. When you're delayed, they should comp you a meal. No matter where you want to go, no matter which terminal restaurant. Because that's not fair for them to say, you're going to leave at 2.30.

And then they say it's now 445. I was planning to be where it was by 445. and eating, and not enough to buy horrible airline food, I should be calmed. I agree with that, but like sticking me in Vancouver for 24 hours and costing me another $1,800

on top of the whatever buck 80 they were in front of me. Yeah, it's totally irresponsible for them, but it's just corporation stuff now. It's like, I've just kind of, I don't know if it's like just age or the culture has changed. It's just like, I feel like

every company's business model is to screw you like that's just they wake up it like there's some AI somewhere where they're just like how can we screw our customers oh here's another way yeah look at door dash you're yeah door dash and instacart they both got caught doing that shit where they would surge price people in certain areas uh either like geo fencing or via just analyzing your individual profile and realize like so if they would have realized like oh kyle will pay us seven dollars per pork tenderloin when we're selling it for $3.99 to other people, they would charge him the $7. Like, that's so, that's so over the top corrupt and sinister.

That's so despicable. It's not fair pricing, right? Have you heard of the peasant tax? I think so. I think I know where you're headed with this. Yeah, it's the thing where like a bunch of companies, Walmart, a bunch of companies are doing it, target everybody. Like, if I understand it correctly, they were, like legally, you can take a life insurance

policy out on anybody. Like I could take a life insurance policy out on whoever, Tom Cruise, anybody. As long as I pay the premium, if something happens to them, they still pay out to me if I paid the premium. So like companies were using like their access to employee health data figuring out which employees had, you know, whoever had cancer, whoever had bad, you know, heart problem, whatever. They were taking out life insurance policies on employees based on their health insurance and their health information, then when those employees died, they were just collecting the policies and they weren't like given half to the family. They were just using their access to know who's going to die to get life insurance policies

on them and cash out. And like all these big companies were doing it. And like I think it got leaked in somebody's like paperwork and like literally they referred to it as the peasant tax. And this is like, you know, the board of directors, hey, JD, how did the peasant tax net us this year? oh, we made $27 million, whatever. But like that was just such a sinister thing. I mean, like, they're just...

If they could do that, that's evil. But that's interesting, you say it because I've, and I've done no due diligence, so people should look this up. But I've heard that surrounding the conspiracy of people like Michael Jackson's death, that the recording labels had a life insurance policy on Michael Jackson. Because my understanding was you couldn't take a life insurance policy out on someone, who wasn't like financially tied to you, like where if, where their death wouldn't like hurt you.

And so like a label could take out a life insurance policy on someone like Michael Jackson. And then if he dies, they collect. And then they're also going to collect on what happens after every time someone like Michael Jackson dies. Their records go through the roof. And so they made money on that too. Never did any research. I just heard that once from someone online and was like, uh, They'd have made more money by keeping Michael Jackson working for them.

See, that is what... Are you sure he was kind of cooked? But he was kind of at the end. He had been having kids over for sleepovers for a very long time. Let's see how much money his last world tour did. Because I bet it's some Taylor Swift type shit, where it's like hundreds of millions of dollars of 1990s money or something. Sure.

I mean, it's Michael Jackson. But this was 2009, 2011. He died around there, right? Right around there, yeah. So that was like definitely. the, you know, the sunset, I would think. His last big hit was like

Man in the Mirror or something, right? In like the early 90s. Yeah, it's been a while. So I'm acquainted with, and I'm not going to say who it is, but I'm acquainted with somebody, a famous kid who was one of the people that went to those spend-a-night parties with him.

And there's like no guy all for this person, no reason for this person to tell me anything otherwise. But they said that, Like, not one time, like this went on like dozens and dozens of times. According to this person, not one time was there ever anything sketchy going on with him? I mean, weird, yes, but he was just a guy who missed out on his childhood who just wanted to have sleepovers and all the kid stuff he missed. That nothing inappropriate, I mean, isn't an inappropriate situation. Right, right?

There's not something weird about a guy in his 50s having kids over to experience a second childhood. It's normal. Not a normal situation. When you frame it that way, it seems boring. According to this person who had no skin in the game to tell me otherwise, they said that not one time did he ever do anything inappropriate? Did a friend attractive? Not to me, no, but... Not to Michael either, it sounds like.

Was he heavy? Did your friend feel bad about how Michael hit on all the other boys? I'm not going to share any details about this person. But right after he died, though, I did her really bad joke, though, that was like, you know, Michael Jackson and all that plastic surgery. And after he died, they melted him down into Lego so the kids could play with him, which is just savage. But anyway, I had reason to believe this person. And they were like, yeah, it was a weird situation. But he was not, he did not do the things people.

It would be the ultimate black mirror if he was the only person in Hollywood not molesting children. The ultimate black mirror. That'd be an incredible episode. Oh, those people are sickos. These people are disgusting. I don't like it. Come on. Play with my pinball machine.

I got all kinds. I heard another story one time that. That was pretty good. That was a good, Michael Jackson. I heard a story one time that it was like, I think Tupac was dating Michael Jackson's niece possibly, and they were at some party and like Tupac, you know, shook her, pushed her, did something somewhat, not hit her,

but did something physically aggressive, that Michael Jackson like basically scruff Tupac by the neck and threatened him. And supposedly Michael Jackson was like kind of a badass when it came to something, which is, you know, people joke because he had the high voice and the dancing and all the sparkles and all that. But he grew up with a bunch of older brothers in the 60s and apparently did all kind of martial arts and stuff that he was like one of those like unsuspecting badass people that would kick somebody's ass in a minute in Hollywood.

I don't believe that. I don't believe that. That was just a story I hear. I'm 100% sure I'd kick his ass at arm wrestling. I don't know. I don't know. I took the king of pop to death with one hand. I mean, there's nothing weird about that, Taylor.

He just let the kids choke him. But also, have you seen the old videos of Tupac? You ever choke a girl in conscious? I mean, Tupac seems gay as well. I mean, Tupac was a backup dancer in Digital Underground. He was in that movie. I remember that movie, nothing with Trump, nothing but trouble with Chevy Chase. He, like, gets stranded in that oil town and, like, Dan Aykroyd, some crazy judge and John

Candy plays out of the top. Oh, yes. So, like, yes. When Digital Underground gets arrested in their hearse, like Tupac's one of the backup dancers when they do that, whatever that song, that musical number they did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's one of the backup dancers with the MC Hammer Pants. Yep.

Yeah, he was a- That's a movie a lot of people don't know about. It's the studio, I can't remember the set. The studio was focused on some other project that was going on at the time. And so Dan Aykroyd's directing this movie. And so they'd given him his budget and they weren't paying attention to what he was spending it on. Because again, their eyes were on.

some other projects, something big, I don't know what it was, an Indiana Jones movie or something of the light, like some big tent pole thing that had to go right. And Accrood just went bonkers with this absurd, weird story. And he turned this junkyard into this maze of mayhem. And there was like a giant man-eating car-crushing machine. And there was a character with a penis on his nose. And John Candy was playing a woman and a man in dual roles.

And Dan Aykroyd, again, had a penis on his nose. That movie is... Like, I dig it because it's weird, but yeah, that movie is one of the weirdest, most banana movie. Demi Moore was the love... He's so smoking out. Chevy Chase, yeah.

Chevy Chase, Demi Moore, and who's the third person? Is it just them in the car together? No, there's a brother and a sister. They're like a Brazilian brother and sister. I can't remember those actors. They're on like a road trip type thing. They're driving out of New York to go somewhere to do a thing. somewhere at the cat skills or something yeah and they go through some bullshit like one horse town

and they get pulled over by john candy and he's like i got to take you straight to the like the magistrate for for speeding in this town and trying to evade and this that and the other and then it's just a nightmare from then yeah yeah get there and dan acroyd is the judge and he's like well y'all just stay for supper how about and he like pulls a lever and the floor drops out and they all fall down some slide into this wacky house and it's It's darker than it sounds. It's kind of fucked up in parts. Yeah, there were these two weird, like,

these kind of like mutant fat guys in, like, diapers that talk like babies that work out in the junkyard and chop up cars from all the people they abduct. Yeah, it's a really, it's like a comedy version of like the hills have eyes or something. Like, it's just wacky, man. That's, that's a good way to describe it. It's like a comedy version of the hills have eyes or maybe the Texas chainsaw masker a little bit. Yeah, it was dark. But it, I dig it though. it's just one of those weird-ass movies that you're pretty obscure.

It's like the incredible Mr. Lippet, just on those other just completely weird-ass movies over the years that are just kind of cool. I watched From Beyond. I don't know if you've ever seen that, but it's this old 80s sci-fi movie. I couldn't find anywhere streaming, so I ordered the ultra-blue-ray,

ultra-H-D Blu-Ray or whatever. I really can't tell the difference with those. Like, it looks markedly better than streaming quality. Like, I don't know if I want to spend $40, $50, for every movie that I own every time I want to watch one, but I'm going to buy some of the movies that I watch often because it really does look better. Yeah, I mean, I've got a pretty main DVD collection

because you can go to like Goodwill. They're like a dollar. And you can get like every movie you ever wanted to watch for a buck. Yeah, but I want ultra HD 4K. I'm trying to get better resolution than my streaming with 4K. I always have a cheap television, so I've never had a TV that was really worth doing the extra effort. You don't have a 4K TV yet?

I don't think so. It's like 15 years old, man. It's like it's flat. I know that much. I give them away now. Honestly, like, I don't even have my own TV. I haven't had TV proper in 15 years. Like, I've stayed places where there's a TV there,

but I have not owned a TV or had a TV service in a decade and a half. Like, I'm just on to go so much. You know, if I turn on the hotel room TV and Star Wars is on, cool. But other than watching some Christmas movies or something, I don't, I'm just not a, I haven't followed TV shows. I don't watch TV unless I'm on it. Every time I'm in the, like, in a hotel, like, I just have trained myself through business trips and things. Like, I just hit up on the channel selector until it gets to the seemingly constant 24-7 family guy channel.

And then I just watch that because there's no matter what hotel you're in, no matter what time of day, no matter what country, there is an infinite family guy channel. I bring my Roku with me every hotel and I just go behind the TV. That's a whole to do. It's, no, it's nothing. It's, it's got an HTML cable sticking out of it. You stick the HTML cable in the back of the TV. You connect it to the Wi-Fi. The Wi-Fi's code is like, thank you one. It's no problem. And now I have all of my shows. I have all of my apps. I can go back to that Sopranos episode I was watching last night before I went to bed to fly. The TV in the hotel room, like I'm not hanging out in the hotel room. If I'm there, it's because

I'm like out and about. Yeah, but at night before I go to bed and the mornings when I wake up and I'm eating breakfast or whatever. the family guy and like I'll get ready in the morning to family guy. Bring it all my entertainment with me. I'm keeping a... Then you get sad when you see the family guy channel and you're like, oh fuck. Is this like a 2018 episode? I have the family guy channel.

I have every episode of Family Guy. I have Hulu. I have Disney. I have Netflix. Hulu's going out of business. They're merging into Disney. So you no longer will have a standalone Hulu app. You just need to get Disney and then you have Hulu. Wow. Hulu was one of the good ones that I felt like I got value out of. For many years, I didn't feel like I got value out of Netflix.

Oh, I had the version, the like $3 more. I had the combo one that got me like ESPN, Hulu, and Disney. I need to fix that. I'm sure I'm paying for more than I want. It's time to turn it off because ESPN no longer has UFC. That's paramount. And like I said, Hulu's being eaten by Disney. I am the same program as you except I pay for the one with no ads.

So I also need to like fix that because I'm two out of the three things I'm not, you know, getting anymore essentially. Now that UFC's on Paramount, I'm stoked. I'm really looking forward to this event in two weeks to see how how Paramount's version is different. If it is different, if the production's any different, if there's any different like polish, if the, if the like warm up like video like two warriors from across the planet face off. and they give you that whole little mini montage of why these guys are fighting. Maybe that's better.

I don't know. I know their library integration is holding it in lately. Big time. Yeah, but they just made so much goddamn cash money. You would hope that, especially for this first one on Paramount, that they would flex a little.

I will say the co-main event is off. Kayla Harrison hurt her neck in a way that they said based on the surgery she's getting, it's a very serious injury. So it's not some, like, my toe is hurt. I heard she had neck surgery. And then all of Reddit is like,

neck surgery is such a big deal. And I'm like, neck surgery tells us nothing. We don't know if it's her spinal cord or a cyst. Like, it could be anywhere in there. I thought they knew what like specifically they were doing to her neck. I don't.

The Reddit post, the Reddit commenters didn't. Though the Redditors that I read did, I thought. Oh, okay. Or at least that's what I absorbed from reading it. But anyway, that kind of blows because that was the meeting of,

like the old you know Amanda Nunez is kind of the goat as far as women's MMA and then this new, Kayla Harrison is just such a physical specimen. She has such manly like delts and shoulders. It's absurd how big

she is. I've never seen a woman. What's her name? Kayla Harrison with a K-A-Y I think it starts Kayla Harrison. Yeah. Yeah. She's built like a female body builder but she's a UFC fighter. Like she's so jacked. It's kind of wild.

And most of her fights, she's been super dominant in. She's beefed up. She's all beefed up. She's a big bitch. She is the lady who... That's relaxed. That's not even like one of the extreme mid-fight flexi pictures. That's just

her chilling. She threw Murr from Impractical Jokers through a table at a wedding. I saw that episode. Yeah, this is a funny-ass episode. That was good. So her and her in her neck. I don't have any streaming services at all,

but I do have this funny thing. Like, I stay with friends a lot when I travel around, and I'll, like, kind of troll them. So I'll get on their profile on, like, Netflix or whatever. And I'll just, like, down,

like, click every single, like, Bigfoot special I can find or you up hosting. I'll just, like, wreck their algorithm. I'll sit there for like an hour and a half at night, just hitting every single Bigfoot thing I could find. It would be so mad at you. I log into a different account to watch. the like rainstorm video I sleep to

so it doesn't mess with my algorithm it'll be like 300 episodes of Paul patrol and that you read it like the algorithm so here's what happened I'm scrolling on Reddit there's ads there now and then and I'm like okay okay whatever

and then there's this like really pretty sexy pair of panties they're not even on a human they're just looking dope and I'm like why is it selling me underwear like it thinks I'm a girl I mean I have to click on it right like for science and see what's going on here

and then I find out that these are special underwear that allow you to tuck with like grippy rubber on the inside so your tuck stays tucked and now Reddit is like we got a trans dude here we did and it's just pumping me like trans content oh tuck your penis I was

picturing like those little rubber things on dress pants that keep your your dress shirt so this was like pretty much sexy women's underwear but the inside had these rubber ridges so that when you tucked your junk in there it didn't just slide its way back to its normal resting place it stayed tucked i didn't know this was part of trans tech but now i do now yeah yeah you got a pair and they work wonderfully i can't see a thing just a little red it's You're speeding me like trans content, trans ads. Reddit totally thinks I'm trans. And well, it is what it is. Maybe I got that ad too. I, I, I definitely, I get that ad. And I also get, because like, I'll buy lingerie for my girl. And so it, it knows that I buy underwear.

And I get this ad of like a sexy woman, like stretching her panties out to the side. And, and I'm like, I clicked that. And it's the same thing. So now I've got like tons of just underwear and panties on there. my on my Reddit ads. I've got the same thing going on. They don't think I'm a tranny though. That's that's a little worse. They do think I'm trans. Yeah. I'm trying to scroll down on the front page and see where my first ad is. What are they going to serve me? Yeah, you know the ad. They try to make it look like content, but it says promoted at the top. My first one is from Consumer Reports. It's about cars because I've been looking at like used car prices online, not to buy one, but kind of

as a like little research thing because I think they're about to be a lot of them that are very cheap for a number of reasons I read. As I keep scrolling. Oh, now it's gambling. It's like a progressive jackpot like phone app. Oh, shit. I'm not turning my ad block off of this. That's why I'm not seeing anything. So being a cannonballer, we race cheap cars all the time.

What are the cars that you see becoming cheap soon? Oh, it's not anything specific. But I read this whole like take. about all these lease returns coming in. There was something like post-COVID. There was lease prices. They did all these promotional lease offers. And so they leased a ton of cars.

And like those cars are coming back from lease now. So the dealerships are going to have them in. And then there were like two other things like compounding factors that was going to make this late January, the time to buy a used car. In addition to that. I think there's also some incentives. and some other stuff going on. I was thinking much older cars. We deal more of like classic stuff, pre-80-th.

Oh, yeah. So it's 60s, 70s, 80s kind of stuff, some 90s. So you made a COVID motorcycle? No, I'm sorry, I meant to say cannonball motorcycle? That I'm in talks with you. I've been talking to Road Raid Cycle Works. And there are a couple of, like I have the two-way

cannonball record and I have the one-way and two-way coast-to-coast record. My buddies, Doug and Arnie have the one-way cannonball record, but there's a motorcycle record out there, too. And the one-way cannibal record was set during COVID. I don't think anybody's ever going to beat that. They laid down such an amazing time. But I have all the other ones, or the not all of them, but, you know, the two-way and the one-ways of the coast-to-coast. I would like the cannibal one.

So I started to, but I like to do it on a heart. And I'm sorry? You said you'd like the cannonball one. Oh, I'm sorry, the cannibal motorcycle one. So I'd like to do it on a Harley though, but a Harley's just aren't that fast. However, these guys have like, it's basically their own proprietary engine that is a Harley design and a Harley chassis, but it's their motor. But it's, I think, 158 cubic inches. So it's like 3,300 C.C. engine that makes a lot of power.

So they would like to kind of get involved in Cannonball. and with me as the rider and them as the builders, I met up with them at Ice Cream Cruise this year on Omaha, and we took some ideas around. We're going to talk this year about them putting together a bike. If they can deliver 20 miles a gallon at 130 miles an hour, then the limited fuel capacity you could carry on a bike would make up for itself with being able to bobbing in and out of traffic.

So I have some friends who do have some other motorcycle records, but I would like to have a go at the Cannonball record on a Harley. So we talked about that one a little bit, just as something fun to do. But we run all kind of stuff. I did one with a Mats Off Road a little while back. We bought a 93 Roadmaster off a marketplace and just like basically got in it and sent it. And that was a lot of fun. And, you know, the speed records have all kind of gotten pushed about as far as we could push them.

So now we're just kind of looking at like fun stuff. You know, there was one called the musket ball where the cars had to have less than 100 horsepower. Would you pick it? It wasn't a Harley. I'm sorry? your car stuff, whatever. What would you pick if it wasn't on Harley? Oh, not on a Harley.

I mean, in that case, I mean, comfort has a whole lot to do with it. I think you'd probably do better with like a big, like a leader bike of some kind of a sport touring bike. I've got a triumph, the older 90s triumph that wouldn't make it. But like something comfortable because that's what really gets you. It's like fatigue. There's a lot of super fast sport bikes, but you can't carry enough gas. and between riding position and just lack of wind coverage and having to stop for fuel so much, you're just going to wear yourself down.

So I think it had to be a bike big enough to carry at least 25 or 30 gallons of gas. So some kind of a big, you know, FJ, 1,200, something big and comfortable. Because fatigue is what's going to get. Same thing with the cars. Like people think all the time, oh, man, we're going to run a Lamborghini. We're going to run a Ferrari. We're going to have a Hellcat or a blown 69 Camaro. or like the fatigue that comes in,

because you think about getting out and driving 130 to 170 miles an hour, and you might keep that up for a mile or two on a straight stretch of road with the grass in the middle, you know, just got some fun. But if you want to keep that kind of pace up for 35 hours, then like your level of mental fatigue and physical fatigue, keeping up those kind of speeds are just so great that quiet and comfortable is a way to go. like the minimize the number of micro decisions you have to make and you're going to last a lot longer it just people tap out you know and even like from a like from a mental standpoint like i've raced with some people who are great drivers they're very talented they're fast but they're so high energy they're so plugged into it that nine 10 hours in they're just done whereas like if you got much more of a lack of a dazical kind of zen sort of quality like like according to my apple watch like we did When we set the sub-24 record, which was backed up onto the beach in Jacksonville, Florida,

to parked on the beach in San Diego, California in 23 hours, 35 minutes. That is the first and only crossing of North America by land in a single day in history. I was driving, we blew a tire, delaminated a tire at 169 miles an hour in Arizona. We got a 97 and a 65 ticket in San Antonio. we had a couple of run-ins with some cops, almost got busted. My heart rate never got over 76 the entire run. Really?

Yeah. So motorcycle headlights are kind of garbage compared to cars. Do you beef them up? Oh, yeah, yeah. The guys that run, the cannonball bikes are like mega lights. I mean, lights on the forks, lights on the fenders, lights on the fairings, the more light you can throw ahead. Buddy mine, who was very successfully ran a fake organ donor car,

has built like an organ donor motorcycle that's really well sorted. He's super fast anyway. I mean, that's, you know, I mean, to the point of like, you know, getting an LLC, registering an LLC for an organ donor car. So like all the paperwork square, like the, I mean, we did the two-way cannonball record, which is New York to L.A. back to New York. We did with like green strobes on the car.

And we had like national weather service shirts on and hats and stuff. like we didn't get pulled over with the plan with you know because there's so much electronics on the dashboard it's obviously they're up to something and we were just going to be like you know sorry sir i know we're going too fast we got to get you know sense in there there's a low pressure in kansas right now lives on line we got these sensors in there we need some information we got to go can you help us can you get us an escort we got to go we got to go we got to go sir we're in eastern oregon get off the motorcycle yeah you got to come out of the plausible story i mean the organ owner thing works great. You know, it's like running a bunch of hoses to this big fancy, like, you know,

igloo cooler. I mean, a jetty cooler with like human tissue on it, iPads and sensors and this like gasoline inside it. Oh, yeah. Well, like a little app that makes the screen, like a temperature thing on the screen go up. And you're just like, you know, we're going pretty fast. But, you know, the organs get cool. But you know, the get cool by the cooling system of the car and we got sucking traffic a little bit is getting hot we had to get some air moving because he'll lose his heart we at san die we got to go like we'm sorry i know it's going fast we've got to get the motor going we got to get that air moving the just guy's life is ticking away sir can we please keep moving can you ride us up later can you give us an escort and you know they love an excuse to go fast anyway so like i mean amongst the cannibal community like the number of like stories and plots it's hilarious like it's fun i love that that like it's not cheating but but to get around he went so far to get around the law that he became officially like an organ donor LLC. Oh, yeah, yeah. Everything checks out on paperwork. The car's registered. It's got a wrap.

I mean, the caduce gets all the reflective stuff. They got ID badges. Like, everything checks. You know what the Bukkarah is? Was it? The Buccarama. So the Buccarama, I think it's just here in Georgia. It's a competition to see who can shoot the biggest deer.

And what they do, they score the rack in case you don't know. and they come up with a number based on its circumference. It's inside width, outside width, how many points? There's lots of factors. It's scientific. They measure it carefully. And you end up, oh, that's a 107. That's a 104 or whatever, whatever the number system is.

And so whoever shoots the biggest buck every year, it's like a giant raffle type thing, except they're not raffling something off. Everybody pays in, whoever shoots the biggest buck they give out prizes. The prizes are outrageous. You get in like bass boats and brand new trucks and like hunting packages. tens of thousands of dollars. Dad's buddy wanted to win the Bukarama. So he raised a deer from infancy to be a mighty deer.

He raised this giant buck that was huge. And he kept it in a pen outside its house. I can remember feeding it as a kid when I went over there. And it was aggressive because it was like a male deer. And it didn't want to live in like a big tin in a backyard. And so what my friend did because the Baccarama is serious business. You have to sign a sworn affidavit and you're subject to a polygraph test. And they're going to ask you that it's tens and tens of thousands of dollars prize.

They want to know, did you harvest this deer in the legal practice of hunting? Basically, did you do this on the up and up? Were you hunting and you killed this deer in Georgia along with all the rules that come along with this? Or did you like import this thing from Alberta and then, you know, just bought. a big deer from somewhere because it's worth all this money. So what he did was got his deer license, got his camouflage on, got his gun, or his bow, I think, climbed a tree in his backyard and then killed that deer in the pen. And he won. Yeah, he won't. And they didn't polygraph him? I think they did polygraph him.

But what he had done made everything legal. Like that's what I'm saying that like, He had his camouflage. He had his orange vest. He had his license. He had the right light weapon. He climbed a tree. He was hunting. And wouldn't you know it?

Giant deer right there under him. Killed it. Good to go. I would have, A, I would have gotten attached to the deer, but like not, I mean,

props to his resourcefulness. But, you know, like with Cannonball, I mean, like, we cheat the cops. But there's,

you know, there's no prize money for Cannonball. There never will be. You just got to do it for the love of the game. And like, like, one guy got busted for faking a record years ago and just kind of got excommunicated. But like,

like we will do anything we can to cheat the cops, but nobody would ever cheat the time. Like the record that we broke for the one way cross country, like some guys missed that record by seven seconds one time. And it would have been easy to have fudged it, but they didn't. You know, like,

like if anybody were to, like that were to cheat with cannonball, you know, put the car on an airplane, fly it across, have duplicate cars waiting at either end, you know, that kind of stuff. You know, mucking with the GPS data in the car, that kind of stuff. There's a lot of oversight.

Taylor, you want to do the cannonball run this year? No. No, I got a foolproof way to win. Okay. There's nothing you could think of. We probably haven't thought of, but we just wouldn't do. But I'd love to hear. Exactly.

This is a community that doesn't cheat. Oh, no, I would cheat 100%. Yeah, we're flying. We're flying. Yeah. like cheating against the cops yes cheating against each other absolutely not that's like ultimate shame because that's just that that defeats the whole point you know i think we can stomach it yeah but they're in there in last i'll be the cannonball champion and you'll have to recognize

that unless you let's a salute would you come on the show did the movie create cannonball run or did cannonball run create the movie cannonball run created the movie and the ambulance that they drove in the movie was the actual ambulance that they ran in the 1979 cannonball pretending to be an ambulance. So like, Dom and Bert played Hal and Brock, who ran the ambulance in 1979. They played them in that movie in the same ambulance. Funny

enough, so in the Cannonball Run movie at the very beginning of it, you've got that, you know, that, just that kick-ass song with that black Lamborghini zipping through the desert, that in the title sequence, that car was the reason the original Cannonball run ended. So Brock started it in 1971.

He did kind of a test run. Then he went back with Dan Gurney. They ran the Ferrari Daytona, get some other cars in 1971. Actually, I have a patch right here. This is their patch from that race. So they ran at 71. They ran again in 75, 77, 79, and 73.

I think. I'm embarrassed. I can't remember the years all of a sudden. But in 1979, coming up, they ran it in 79 with the ambulance disguise. For the 80 year, Brock's doctor showed up with this black Lamborghini kuntosh at the time fastest car in the world. And he's like, I'm going to beat, I'm going to win your race this year. I'm going to get there. I'm going to smoke everybody. This car go 180 miles an hour. I'm going to smoke everybody, blah, blah, blah. Brock, though, knew this guy had like, like, no racing experience. Now, everybody that runs has to have some kind of racing background. You have to have a lot of car experience.

You can't just show up. Like, you've got to be able to handle a car. But this guy just had no experience. Brock was like, he's going to get killed. Somebody's going to get killed. This is irresponsible. So he pulled the plug on the 1980 cannonball and never did it again. Now, it was picked up by some other people years later.

And then we later grabbed it and we're still running with it 54 years later. But Brock ended it because of that black Lamborghini. However, in 1981, when they were making the movie, I see me, 83, they needed a flashy car for the female and protagonist to drive. They ended up with the exact same Lamborghini in the movie that actually ended the real race. Hmm. That was kind of crazy. Did they used to run the, like, when you guys do it now, you just sort of go out on an adventure and time yourself. It's not a bunch of people with a starting line, right?

Oh, yeah, yeah, we do that too. The record runs are you just run individually, but we have several organized events throughout the year. Oh, I didn't realize. Wayne, so it is 100% just like that. We do like a Lamont start sometimes where it's like gun goes off. Everybody runs to their car and peels out. Sometimes we'll leave staggered, you know, three minutes apart, five minutes apart. I'm sure how fast you run to your car has nothing to do with who wins.

It does. It's just it's who can get and bang into their friends. It's how fast can you get to your car and fender bender your friend's car or block them or pull that in front of somebody, it just turns into bumper cars. It's hilarious. But I mean, we do, we have five different big organized events like that that we do each year and then people make

individual runs just for the fun of it. And then also the record runs happen. Individual runs and the record runs, you kind of do that on your own time. We study traffic patterns, all sorts of stuff, shift changes on law enforcement, weather, road conditions, construction projects, all kind of

stuff to find like the ideal times. Is there an email list where you guys like tell each other you're about to make a run and talk about it in advance? Oh yeah. Yeah. We have chat groups that we all communicate with each other. And like when you do a run, there are 40 people following along. You'll have 15 or 20 people come out. Like when we ran, when we ran the Roadmaster, which I mean, that car was not going to be fast. That was we figured a 40 hour car. We ended up doing it in 35, 57, I think. Like, I mean, we had 15, 20 people come out and meet us at the Red Ball in New York City. They ran Blocker for us, blocking intersections,

running red lights for us to get us out of town. We had a guy in a Corvette run behind us all the way into Pennsylvania, just in case we blew past a cop. He was going to swerve around, take the ticket. You got people running a scout ahead of you. People run Blocker. As you go through each city,

friends will come out and pull out in front. They'll run 20 miles ahead of you and call in cops on the radio. Like, there's 100 people watching you. We have this little link, like a little track. app and we'll send that link to people and they can follow us like a little dot on the map. I mean, there's a 150 people watching you do it each time you do it and

tons of people come out and help. I mean, they run. They'll meet us. Twitch stream one of these. That would be so fun. Let's do it. I mean, it's- Oh, they call the cops on you right away, dude. That's not a yeah. It would be a terrible idea. There would be a cop watching the stream chasing you, donating. You're fucked. Maybe you could do like a 50 minute delay. Yeah, you'd have about an hour delay on it. I mean, some people have live streamed some stuff before and we got set up on in Missouri,

like total like roadblock. They were waiting on us. So yeah, it's one of those like fight club things. Like nobody talks about it. Now, as far as like law enforcement goes, like we post stuff within weeks sometimes of doing the records. Of course, with AI now, we just got to say it's AI. But like if, for example, if we should. shot an in-car video at 180 miles an hour going past the St. Louis Arch, for example,

or Cadillac Ranch or something like that, where an agency could look at that video and say, okay, that video places you in our jurisdiction. Therefore, we're going to chase you for prosecution of reckless driving or whatever. But at the end of the day, it comes down to an out-of-state extradition over a speeding ticket, which the judges know they're going to have such a hard time winning that, that nobody's ever successfully pushed one on anybody. I mean, we do get busted occasionally and, you know, off the record and ticket clinic sponsors us at different times and they can make magic happen. But as far as like plausible to in liability, that kind of stuff with AI now, it's so easy to say, oh, that was AI or it was for entertainment. Or if we do show like in Kark stuff, they'll be like, we just, we just make sure and tell them that we filmed it in Mexico.

So, you know, it's just if they catch us in the act, they got us. but even if we put it up on social media or entertainment, documentaries, I mean, we're in documentaries, we're in TV shows. Like, they just can't prove it. Like, they know we did it. We know they know we know they did it. But it's just too hard to prove. Yeah.

But it's fun. I mean, the thing is like, funny enough, your time is the least important thing about cannonballing. I mean, the community is really tight. I have 100 people that I could call it 3 o'clock in the morning for anything. and they would do the same for me. And we will drive 600 miles out of the way to go meet somebody to have coffee. Like one of our guys one time got stranded.

It was one of those like airplane airport shutdown things a couple years ago. He got stranded up in Chicago. He has a son with autism that kind of gets antsy if he's not around. He needed to get onto his son down in the Florida Panhandle. Like one of our guys drove four hours from Wisconsin. Didn't even know this guy, but knew he was in Cannonball, drove four hours down with his dad to bring this guy a car so that guy could cannonball from Chicago to Florida. Then a few weeks later, another guy who was delivering a car to Tallahassee,

picked the car up in Tallahassee, and then instead of flying back to Arizona from there, he drove it to Atlanta, left it with another cannonballer who fixed something that broke on it on that trip. Then I picked it up and drove it to upstate New York, where a different friend put it on a trailer and hauled it back to Ohio, where the guy from Wisconsin was going to be and picked his own car up, like we pony express that thing all around the country. I mean, we will bail each other out of jail. If somebody's going through a divorce or a breakup or pops a flare for any reason,

like the community, like when you do crime together, you do time together in a way. And like the community and the friendship around that is so incredible. I mean, it's diverse. We've got every color, every race. We've got trans people, gay people, lesbian people, straight people, rich people, poor people. short people, old people, fat people, everybody. But we all share that bond of like, we're going to go out and do some crime together now

because they're not going to tell us what to do today. And that bond is so strong and the friendships we have are so strong through that. Like, I can't even remember my own times half the time. If you win an event the next year, we can't remember if you won last year or not. Like, people have record. I had to look up my record sometimes.

I'm like, what was my time again? Like, it just, the times don't matter. It's just you're participated in this protest that we all do against the speed limit that just like the original cannonball run was started in 1971 was to show that skilled drivers and well-prepared cars can safely drive faster than the speed limit. And we've been proving that since 1971. We've logged over 1.3 million miles of flat out as fast as we can possibly go racing.

There has never been an accident involving another car. only been one accident ever. And that was three chicks sponsored by a bra company driving a limo with a toilet in it. And the one driving trying to help the girl behind her flushed the toilet, ran off the road, flipped the limo. That's the only accident in cannonball history. We have logged, again, 1.3 million miles. We've got, I think, over 500 different times in the record book or in the logbook of

cannibal times. Of seven of those are mine. but the time is the least important part. Anybody die? I'm sorry? Anyone die in the limo? Oh, no, they were fine. Like, no, injury.

There's never been even a skin knee in Cannonball in all those miles in 55 years now. Damn. Which is pretty cool. It's the safest motorsport on earth, which doesn't make any sense, but we take safety so seriously. You know, we are, the driver is 100% engaged in driving.

The co-driver is 100% engaged in co-driving, you know, looking for hazards. calling lane changes. We've got every, the cars are sorted, good tires, good suspension, good breaks. We are 100% engaged. Never break the law while you're breaking the law. So like nobody's high, nobody's drunk, nobody's got warrants, nobody's on drugs. People like we police ourselves. We have excommunicated people in our group who we love them, like two of my very best friends in the world. I love these guys. But they had to get excommunicated because they just got too competitive and took some risk one time.

And unfortunately, like, they can't race with us anymore. Like, it's, we police ourselves. So they do. Just going, like, passing some people in the bonus lane, like, you know, side of the road going around some people. The road was closed at one point. They were on some surface roads going way too fast. I mean, nothing, nobody got hurt, but it was just like,

look, man, like, we love y'all. But, like, you got to be able to spend thousands of dollars. and risk going to jail and five or six days of your life. But if you're going to lose that record over making an unsafe pass, you've got to be willing to let all that go and watch that record tick away while you're sitting at a red light because it's not safe to push through it. Like the safety always has to come first, and we have all kept that. I mean, there's been probably 150 cannonballers over those 56 years, 55 years.

and everybody has just policed that safety and kept that up. Because that's what it's all about. Like the first time somebody gets hurt, it's all over. Because it was started to protest that we could do it safely. It was ended by its original founder because somebody was going to be in it who wasn't safe. And we have just kept that safety ever since. And nobody wants to be the one that ruins it. I did a cannonball with a guy from a YouTube channel recently.

And he's a good driver. He races cars. He'd never done a cannonball before. But I turned down people all the time. but this guy was qualified and his co-driver was as well. And we were doing a run and we were like the last like five miles. Like we were so close. We're back on the surface roads and he's getting a little antsy.

And we're like, we're trying to beat a certain hour mark. It wasn't really a record, but it'd just kind of become a goal. And you get a little antsy. You made a couple of risky moves. And I was like, dude, like nobody is ever going to remember that you have the 133rd fastest cannonball time ever. But they are going to remember that you're the first person to have an accident in 55 years. So like just the time doesn't matter, just do it safely and everybody comes home and we just keep doing that every year.

Well, knock on wood, that continues and is a fun, fun activity. Where can everyone go to find more about Cannonball and everything you do? All right. Well, Cannonball, the VinWiki YouTube channel is sort of the Hall of Cannonball. That's where all of our videos go about our images will run. They have a playlist there about different Cannonball stories. 40, 50 different people's runs and records, including my own. I have my own playlist on there as well.

I think I did my 49th video on that channel just recently. So go to playlist, go to Christopher Michaels, stories by Christopher Michaels. You'll see a bunch of crazy stories about stuff I talk about here. You can find me on Facebook and Instagram, Christopher Michael's Art and at Christopher Michael's Art. Believe it or not, I am an artist. That's what I actually do for a living. Nobody makes money on Cannonball. It's just a fun way to lose it.

So, yeah, that's how they can find it. And just, you know, if a car passes you on the highway, you to 150 miles an hour covering antennas, then you know it's one of us. I'll just hope it's one of you guys being safe. All right, yeah. Check out all the sponsors and check out Vinwiki and Chris. PKK.

Always a pleasure, man. Thanks for having me on. Always.