Painkiller Already - PKA 803 W/ King Trout & Bruce Greene: Rope Is Cheap And Gravity Is Free

Episode Date: May 9, 2026

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In communities across Canada, hourly Amazon employees can grow their skills and their paycheck by enrolling in free skills training programs for in-demand fields. Learn more at aboutamazon.ca.803, Sands Woody, prayers for Woody, our guest tonight, King Trout and Christopher Michaels, Taylor. This episode, PCA is brought to you by Club. WPT Gold, also brought to you, of course, by lock and load, our wonderful merch and all. All the other products that Derek makes that Kyle doesn't get because he doesn't update his address with Gorilla Mind, like these wonderful root beer energy drinks. Missing out. I'm jelly. Missing out, dude. Did you get any more home appliances from him?

That's what I'm real jealous about. I didn't get any. You guys won't believe this. He sent Woody a refrigerator when we first started working with him. Woody the Millionaire. Like a nice drink fridge. And we didn't. And he kept us in the dark on that.

that. He didn't send us a fridge. And Woody didn't tell us until it slipped. Was this a shared PCA fridge? That's a question. Is it supposed to be making the rounds? Like does he owe us a year and a half each now? Yeah, timeshare fridge. Times. When you talk to Derek about this, I mean, Woody's not here, so he's probably, he'll never hear this. We, we probably need to take some sort of small claims court. Action might be justified here. I think so. I feel wrong. taking Woody to court over. Woody's getting checked for ass cancer,

is he not, because of the drinking episode, which Taylor won on a technicality because my mom almost died in a car crash, an event that Kyle compared to a minor leak. Thank you, she really is so full, I'm sure.

So much beer. You had two beers, asshole. I did mine. So full of beer. I know, like, like, fucking 75% of the weight. through the episode, I found out my mom almost died in a car crash. I didn't know that.

Okay. That was relayed to me until I'd already mocked your absence. I would have been so fucked in that drinking competition. Your mom did not add a problem. She is doing well. Thank you for asking. Like, I would have been. Where I live here in Georgia, there's this pretty straight highway for about 10 miles,

but this one little escort right in front of the house. And about, I don't know, three, four times a year, that will be a spectacular, like, chill. CHP level intro scene wipeout in front of the house. Like it's always something just completely wild too because where I live. Like the last time it was like complete like total NASCAR crash in front of the house. There was some illegal guy had like stolen a gun, killed a guy for his truck, was fleeing town in the truck, flipped the truck into my front yard, cops show up.

There's like this huge manhunt. They're like out in the woods with like bloodhounds and stuff. They can't find the guy. Of course, he's across the street hanging out in my neighbor's barn. the busted leg. I go out the next day to like smooth out the divvets in the yard or the guy flipped the truck to discover that like different people have stolen my shovels again. Then I'm out there just trying to stomp it down and I find the murder weapon like pressed into the mud in front of my house. And like kept it. Just three four days ago. There was like another crash. Same thing like

guy like comes off the road like clips a sign, flies in my neighbor's yard, plows it into the trees. I go outside. He's like already running to get in a car with somebody else to plead the same. Like there's just always some sketchy car crash right here from the house. But I'm sorry your mom was caught up in one, though. Yeah, no, the person who hit her OD'd on fentanyl. So took a little nap behind the wheel, crossed over the center line. That's not a good driving drug. Not a cruising drug like booze.

It's not like Coke. Yeah. You're like, you're locked. I had a friend of mine who's lost her son to that. He was like, you know, good kid in college, never did drugs. didn't smoke anything. Like a friend of his was getting like bootleg Adderall or something and was like, here, take one of these

it'll help you, you know, it'll help you study. And like that one pill had like a hundred times a lethal dose of fentanyl in it because it was just some Mexican stuff. Cheapful businessmen, these fentanyl dealers. Oh my God, like drugs are bad. Like it's like McGruff the Crime Dog or the, you know, public service now this back in the 80s.

Like they're bad. Like, drugs are bad. Like, I know so many of people on drugs. The first time I took Adderall. happened to anybody on drugs. The first time I took Adderall in college, I mean, I had a thought of like the kind of hippie stuff, but just, you know, all the hardcore stuff is just, it's just bad. I've had just seen so many tragic things happen. The first time I took Adderall in college, it was from a friend's stash because it wasn't, it was a control substance. No, no, no, it because you're either you can't hear us or you're very rude.

him on. We know he's not very rude. It's definitely a hearing thing. Yeah, exactly you're going to have to remove him and maybe talk to him. Remove him. Get his audio back on track. It's not very rude. We've had him on many times. Good guy.

I don't know. He just... I think he was faking it there. That would be funny. Like, the eighth time you come on a show, just be like, fuck all of them. And then... Just a spite appearance.

These guys are assholes. I lost them, yeah. But genuinely, my first thought, other than I'm anxious, the first time I took Adderall, when I, I think it was because my friend gave me like a 30 milligram extended release. I'd never taken anything. I was like, this should, this should be illegal. Like, this is, this is insane. This is a crazy drug to give to kids that are too lazy to sit down and study. That's a big dose, though. And being your first time with like no tolerance to it whatsoever and never having experienced it, you're getting on a ride that lasts. a long time that you've never been on before a strange, weird ride. How long were you awake? I was awake for a long time. I didn't sleep that evening, hardly at all. I went to CVS

after I finished studying, bought those like Lysol or Chlorox wipes, and then I scrubbed the baseboards of my dog shit apartment and was like, there's a lot of, who's losing this much hair in here? Like, just just scrubbed and clean.

get everything. It was spotless the next day, but I felt like shit. The extended release is like a, oh, it's not just like a different drug. It is a different drug. I don't know if they're taking the same amphetamine salts and putting them in, pairing them with a compound that makes that slow release or if it's a different drug or how that works. But when I took regular amphetamine salts as a kid for school from like middle school, straightened me right out. And then some girl gave me an extended release one night outside of a motel in Cleveland. And I took it, of course, because

why that's what you do. And all I felt like that. Outside a motel in Cleveland, you take them. She seemed, she had snake like crawling on her, on her shoulder. She seems trustworthy. I call her snake. So I took that. And I didn't sleep for so long.

I was up the whole day, worked the whole day, shot film stuff. And then that night, I was still just in bed. It felt like torture. Like, I wanted sleep, but I couldn't even, I could barely close my eyes. I'm just close. closing my eyes and my brain's going a mile a minute.

Staring at the ceiling with a fucking the smallest your dick has ever been in your life. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Definitely so. I need to take this time to say, Grandma, if you're watching this, tune off. She tuned into the drinking episode. I didn't know my...

She just types in King Trout on YouTube and then the PKK drinking episode came up and I was like, Grandma, that is not for you at all. And she goes, did you really drink that many beers? It was a competition. that I won on a technicality, but I won. You did win by like two.

Even with the technicality, I barely edged you out. And I didn't realize how, I said this to our audience, but not you. I didn't realize how fucked up I was afterward. Like, I did that thing where after you drink a ton, I'm like, now time to be responsible. I'm going to drink a coconut water. I'm going to drink all the stuff to try, what are they called? Like, not Gatorade, the body arm. The good one.

Yeah, drinking a body armor. I made myself a snack. And I got in bed and thought that I was like hunky dory. And then the next day, my wife goes to me, she's like, how are you? Are you okay? And I'm like, yeah, I think I handled it pretty well. Like I won, you know, I don't feel good. But I drank all that stuff last night after the drinking.

And she's like, yeah, but that, are you okay from that fall from bed? last night and I'm like, what are you talking about? And she's like, you've rolled out of bed harder than I've ever heard any like you like, it was like you leapt out of bed. And then I was like, that's weird. And then I like, I went in the bedroom and I saw all the normal things that are usually on my bedside table, like the remote for the, the light and the fan, the remote for the TV. And it was like all the way across the room.

My, my underwear was over there somehow. I guess I slept naked. And then I went in the bathroom and I'm like, I can't believe I'm not sore or anything. giant bruise on my fucking thigh from falling out of the bed. So I won, but I also lost. And if it weren't for your unfortunate incident with your mom, you would have crushed. I don't think that's even up for debate. I remember even at the end of that episode being like, that's crazy.

Like, he doesn't even seem drunk. Like, he just disappeared for some fucking reason. I didn't see the message. So I was like, Taylor not only defeated this guy. This guy had to tap out. He's throwing up square or something. It's like sick. Like he's, or he like, like, I thought you just quit.

I thought it was too much. And I didn't blame you. You had like, how many beers did you drink? It was in the teens. 16 or 17. And insane amount of beers for four hours. A terrible amount of beers to find out your mom almost died on. I will add that.

Quick. Oh, you don't even know. My brother called me and holy shit. I was not in a good headspace. And then all my siblings are like calling me and I'm texting them in like a family group chat or whatever. And just the most emotionally unstable you can be as an adult is when you're 17 fucking beers deep and finding out that news. It was no, boy, no. I imagine you having the 17th beer on the phone with him.

Wow, this is terrible. I think I watch, well, I watched it back and I'm pretty sure I literally did that. I just come into frame and I'm like rubbing my eyebrows and I was like, got to put on a show for everybody. Like mentally, completely fucked. Well, I had the table. Did you tell them? Did you tell your family? Like, you have this crisis going on.

Did you say, hey, just so everyone knows, I'm in the middle of a drinking episode online, and I'm a little tipsy. I told my brother called me. And so I got, I'm getting all these texts or whatever. And my brother called me and I stepped outside and I'm like smoking a cigarette. And he was like, are you fucked up right now? And I was like, I'm in the middle of a drinking competition. Like, this is not fucking. good and then I just kept getting

updates and updates about how bad shit was and then yeah it fucking sent me into a fucking spiral and there's a clip oh yeah like very bad like she went into emergency surgery for like for like three days like it was oh I'm so sorry I didn't understand any of that

yeah she's better on the mend I'm sure yeah she's she's only up and up now still can't lift like anything over like 12 ounces but yeah like broker clavicle maybe can't even What's the legal civil side of things going to be like with the other driver? That's where I, for legal reasons, I'm not going to say anything. I thought maybe not. Yeah. Good.

Yeah. Fair enough. On a more cynical side of it, like I was like, oh man, I hope when you send us that message, I did read it unlike Kyle. And I was like, oh, man, I hope Trout's mom is all right. But I did also. So in my head, because I was looking at our counters, I was like, this is your chance. This is the only chance you have to beat him. There wasn't anything in you that thought to be like that marathon runner who sees the leader like just give out with 50 meters to go and you just pick them up and you carry them with you. No, no, I had that little giants in my head. I think it's little giants where they're like, they may beat us 99 times out of 100,

but one time, one time, bring it home, boys. And I was like, you can just do it. I didn't see on the PKK, like the, after that happened,

Woody was talking about it. And he was like, all I'm hearing right now is an excuse. He's like, you won. He's like, winners show up and they win. It was like Trout, no, what he always calls me King, which cracks me up

because everybody else calls me Trout. But yeah, he can call me King. But he's like, King made an excuse. He didn't win. So you did win. Granted on a technicality. Well, God punished him for that whole take he had there clearly. Ask cancer.

Yeah. Yeah. I hope he's doing. Yeah. But I was worried. But I was worried after the drinking episode. episode where we all talked. I think it was on PKK. And Kyle was like, I was mostly fine. I was mostly okay other than being fucking hung over and falling out of bed. And Woody's like,

I was pooping blood. And I was like, oh, that's not typical of beer. Like, that's usually something that's been drinking up for a while. Yeah. Shitting blood is like a category 10. I need to go to the doctor. Well, he is. Well, that's where he's in the day. It's, it's. It's, it's. It's, it's, it's Maybe it took him that long to get in. I don't know. Yeah. Well, I knew he doesn't want to go. Like, he's been telling the story of his first colonoscopy for years and about how embarrassing the whole thing is. Did he come? He came twice. That's how he discovered he's multi-orgasmic and can have sissy-gasms. Yeah, that was a life-changing moment. Is that a sissy-gasm? You have a tube put up your ass and then you bust? That's when you're coming with like not touching your front parts at all.

That's all but sex. That's a sissy. Oh, I don't have the mental strength for that. I don't think I could come without touching my penis. I don't think you have the mental strength to live on after having one even. Like you're going to have to re-evaluate some things. Something like that happens to you. I have such advanced mental strength.

I could come on command just mentally touching nothing. Yeah. You can just. There's one right there. I came just now. God damn. Thank God I'm not on locking load. Got a oyster slipping down my calf right now.

The panty liners in your fucking shorts. Yeah. So fingers crossed for Woody, hopefully nothing serious. But that was alarming to me. And I also, we make eyes sometimes during the show, Kyle. And that was one of those times where I saw you be like,

like just big eyes of like, you were pooping blood after drinking one really strong. really strong IPA, a tall boy, in fairness to him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then also the Pink Whitney. Yeah, he sipped on some Pink Whitney. He didn't drink very much, and then he pooped blood. And I'm just like, that's just not what happens with alcohol.

And I know Woody's somebody who's like kind of divorced from like alcohol and drug use. So it's, but I was like, do you really think that that is making you poop blood? Because I don't. I don't at all. And when he had that scare like a year ago, when he just went uncomfort. conscious in the bathroom? Yeah, he had a seizure, right? He had a seizure in his bathroom, fell and hit his head, and he's like, and then I woke up

and I was like, no one needs to know about this. He's a very wealthy man. Go to the doctor. And then he just didn't. And I agree with that. It's like, you know, let it ride. Let it ride. You know, that was probably a nothing seizure.

Who doesn't seize out? You got a loving family, loving children. I would have to go. I had a seizure. I hate the doctor, too. I always tough it out through colds and coughs and stuff like that. And even like, I hurt my shoulder, like, working out one time and I was like, let's give this a few weeks.

I bet my super physiological levels of testosterone will just heal these tendons. Like separation be gone. And it did. It healed up. Whatever was wrong. Stop clicking. But if I had a seizure, I'd have to go. I'd have to go.

Yeah, I'd be too scared not to go. I've never had a seizure. But I imagine it's very first. frightening. It's, I imagine it. I've had one. I imagine that that is as close to being possessed by the, a demon as you can actually get because my body is moving and I have no control over it. And I'm conscious like thinking about what's happening to me as it happens. Like just, just shaking and jerking and like I'm on the asphalt grinding my head, my face into the hot asphalt. And I don't want that. I'm thinking, I don't want that to happen. This is bad.

shouldn't be grinding my face on hot asphalt. That's stupid, but I just have no control over anything. I can't, and I'm going, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, like really scary sounds.

Are you conscious during a seizure, though? Oh, yeah, I was. So, like, epileptic seizures? I don't know. Yeah, I had a crash on an ATV on the asphalt and hit my head real hard. So that's just a concussion seizure. That's what we call them a special K.

epileptics I think have a different kind of seizing they might be unconscious and somewhere else like that shit Caesar had Caesar? Yeah like Julius? Yeah Julius Caesar Yeah he was an epileptic He had some sort of fucked up disease That back then they were like just don't talk about it

Let him wiggle around for a little bit pop them back up Little bread little olive oil Well I think they would think that you were like being spoken to by the gods communing with like some sort of higher power back then they'd go to something like that I don't think

I think it was negative that's why he hit it oh the same way the governor of Texas all the time tries to pretend he's not crippled yeah that's he's wheeling around everywhere well he's wheeling around now

but I swear to God he was in office for years and then I saw him wheel out one time and I'm like did he hurt his leg? Like, did he fall? Is he okay? And no, it turns out he's been in there for a while. I should have known because he has those like crippled legs that like lean together at the knees and they're very skinny. Yeah, they haven't been used in like like like puppet legs. I wonder how a tree fell on him, right? A tree fell on him while he was on a jog. God wanted him to be crippled. Oh, no. He could have stayed inside an over eight and it's a

I think about it. Like he's out jogging with his good legs, staying fit. And God is like, God, I love irony. Or me, I love irony. You know what's also interesting is I bet he thinks all the time, like, if I were just a little quicker. Like, if I were 2% faster, I'm square dancing right now. Like, or whatever you could be president. They won't put another guy in the chair in office.

I know it. I just know it. I'm no FDR. That's true. That's a bit of bigotry I'm going to, you know, own up to. I'm not voting for a wheelchair guy. Really? Yeah, no.

He would have to like, uh, well, mostly joking. He would have to have a large head too. So I know like this guy's like, like almost a professor X. Oh, okay. Of elite before I'm voting for a couple. Maybe the accident that crippled him also gave him like enhanced. mental capabilities the way that like a deaf person can see better. Yes.

They're the best seers. You know that. Everyone knows that's a fact. Yeah, I don't know if that. I thought it was blind people here better. I didn't know. The Coast Guard hires the deaf to go on those choppers when they look for people who are stranded out in the ocean.

They've got a little water. I can give a him on the goal. Yeah. It's called unit over there. Crack squad. Crack squad. No, if they were two candidates, I guess I would be less likely to, if they were two equal candidates. Like I liked literally, let's say they're both of the party that I want to vote for and I'm trying to figure out this primary.

It would be, you know, they do that handshake. That's always like a strong visual. When you see them like meet on stage for a debate, do the handshake, one guy's wheeling over, you know, I don't know. Yeah. And you wouldn't even want to shake his hand because those wheels, like, he's touching, you don't want to catch it. It's on the ground all the time. I don't want to catch it. Well, they're not grabbing the wheel, you know.

They've got that like aluminum grabbing thing out. Yeah, but that's like getting close to the ground. Oh, I meant the, uh, paralysis. You don't want to catch the paralysis. I don't want to get crippled. You shake his hand and just, uh, uh, yeah. Holyo. You drop my legs.

The last one. Yeah, I wouldn't, I wouldn't want to be crippled. So, you could be a strong wheelchair guy, though. Well, like Professor X. Yeah. I could be a strong wheelchair guy, but I don't have the Professor X in me. like I wouldn't suddenly be smarter. And that wouldn't help me.

I couldn't run for office anyway because they'd be like, here's 10,000 hours of him being horrible in his past life. And I'd have to be like, no, that's not true. I'm fucking Mormon now. Ew, worse. I feel like an eyepatch commands respect, though. I'm a fan of eyepatches. A big eye patch.

Especially the new eyepatches. Wait, they have new eyepatches? Well, yeah, that Senator or whatever's got one. It doesn't have a strap. It's just like buckled in there, like snake solid or whatever. That's all the shit. Whatever his name is. I didn't play the stupid games.

I had Xbox. Well, it's solid snake. But, yeah. I think it's snake solid. It's not fucking snake solid. It's a solid snake. Middle gear solid by Hideo Cajima and it's a great case series. Okay?

He predicted the entire, the sequence of events that's happening in America. politics right now 20 years ago in his bullshit-ass game series in Japan. He's also obsessed with feet. He's like, oh, AI will pretend to make a propaganda for other country. And Americans will believe.

They will big believe. And it's like 20 years ago. And it's like literally what's happening in American politics. Did you see that dude, Richard Dawkins? He was going viral on social media. He was the one who back in the day was

like, God is fake and I'm British. Like, that was his big thing. And then he like spent, I guess, 40 minutes talking to Grock or chat GPT or one of these engines. And he was like, I don't think we can rule out that this is a conscious entity. And it's like, wow. So you've been retarded the whole time. Like a complete mongoloid, idiot, moron.

You seen that meme where it's. like the guy at the computer and he's like, tell me that you're conscious in the AI is like, I'm conscious and he's like, wow. He's like, my God. A lot of people don't get that shockingly. They'll like ask a couple leading questions

and then the AI engine will say back like, that's interesting. I suppose I am alive and they're like the fucking timiniric explosion It's responses are like, if you talk to one long enough, you'll realize that not only is does it have so much, so many boundaries that it can't cross, so many subjects that it

can't actually touch on, honestly. Oh, I asked it like the other day, there was that photo of the most recent Trump assassin wearing an IDF sweater. And I was like, I asked Chat Chappee, because there was a debate going on in our Discord call. I was like, Chat, GPT, is, is this photo real? Oh, I'd be very suspicious of something like this. It's a very charged subject. I was like, well, just because it's a charged subject doesn't inherently make it suspicious or reputable. While that may be true, I think it's very important to remember this is a very charged, like kept hammering home with this propaganda. It said like, uh, oh, they.

Well, Kyle, I understand what you're asking, but you have to understand this is a very complicated issue. Do you have any questions about digging tunnels? I can help with that. Do you have questions about tunnel maintenance, perhaps? About bloody mattresses and tunnels, perhaps? Let's stop asking about the bloody mattresses, all right? Who among us doesn't have a pile of dirty mattress? I don't know if they were bloody to be fair.

It was weird that tunneled. There were suspicious stains, but that's two-year-old news, but. I changed my bed covers the other day. There were some suspicious stains under there. I'm going to be honest. That mattress is good as the day I bought her, but I drink soda in bed. And sometimes I drink cherry Dr. Pepper Zero.

You spill that on your bed. It looks like you murdered a goat on that thing when you pull the sheets back. There's no getting that stain out. Yeah. Every time I change my sheets on my mattress, I will see old like patches where the dog, where the dogs clearly peed on it.

And long, long cleaned so they don't smell or anything, but it is a memory where it's like, yet it remains. Soaks right into that memory foam. God, I'm kind of glad she took those dogs now that I know they peed in the bed. That's hardcore.

When they were little. So my girlfriend went on a trip. Hell yeah, King Trout knows. My girlfriend went on a moment. I still think about those dogs sometimes. I'm like, I hope they're doing okay.

Teddy and Fasie. My girlfriend went on a multi-day trip and my Pomeranian spiteful... No, I did. I went on a multi-day trip. That's what it was. And my Pomeranian spitefully shit on my girlfriend's pillow.

He'd never done anything like that. And she's like, he's blaming me for you not being here. Like, I couldn't keep you here or something. This is clearly a spite shit. It's right on my pillow. He's never done anything in the bed. Every now and then,

he will poop inside, but it'll be like right by the door where he's just like held as long as I could boss i did my best it's like i don't feel bad about that but this was a smith shit this was right on her pillow you can tell the difference yeah a pillow shit is definitely him angry the one right next to the door is the one that you feel bad about because it's like oh my gosh like i i failed you here little buddy yeah not the other way around because you held this as long as you could and then you laid your little fucking tutsy rolls right next to that's what we call them we call it I'm like, baby, there's some kit cats here by the door.

Some kid cats? Yeah, and then I use Murphy's. You know what my grandpa called Tutsi Rolls? I'm going to guess it starts with the letter of N. I've got an idea of what he might have called them. We're talking about that the other day. In the South, like, there were a lot of things that I grew up and they were the inward that.

Like, I never heard of jury rigging. Like, when you have something that's broken, but you don't have something that's broken, but you don't have the tools and necessarily right there to fix it and you jury rigging. It's jury rigging fallout four. That's the fucking perk. That's why I said,

yeah. Jerry rigging. Jerry rigging. Again, I never heard that as a kid because they always said inward rigging for like doing a sloppy job and fixing something haphazardly in the moment

and not, you know, doing it the right way. Or like we play checkers at the old general store. There was like a table in there. All the farmers would go in and have lunch there. Visit BetMGM Casino and check out the newest exclusive. The Price is Right Fortune Pick.

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He was like, when I wasn't suffering from dysentery, I'd be playing checkers down to the general store. The old general store. What you got to keep in mind is it was 1997 and I'm homeschooled. So my friend group is 45 and 50 year old farmers. Like that's my social network. So we're playing checkers at the old general store, having some chili dogs and watching the TV. And what we have a different version of checkers where if you got your piece, to their back row, it became a flying king.

You took another checker, put it on top, and now this can fly infinite spaces diagonally. Infinite spaces? Well, yeah, on the board, such as, you know. No, no, no, I know what you mean. We had that rule, but it wasn't infinite spaces. It could just move backwards in any direction. We called them flying queens or flying kings as well,

and it could go infinite spaces across the board diagonally, kind of like a queen from chess, but even better. We called them flying. Oops. Well, we called that N-word checkers. Everybody called it N-word checkers. I didn't really like saying that word even then. And I was like, yeah, you want to play checkers?

What kind? Huh? Well, anyway, they're in there one day playing Ninja Checkers, and a black guy walks in that everybody knows. He's also a local farmer, good guy. And he's like, what job all I was doing? And Ricky, this 40-year-old white guy with long, blonde hair and a blonde mustache, Ash, we're playing ninja checkers.

You want to sit in? You can have the next turn. And the black guy gets this look on his face. Like, he's not happy with this. And he sort of, and he turns around and walks back out. And my dad follows him out. My dad thinks this is weird. The guy's out in his truck and his gun.

He's out in the truck, like, getting his gun. He's about to come in and kill poor fucking Ricky over the ninja checkers. Who invited him to a game of checkers. A friendly game of A friendly game But yeah Ninja champions You know

There were a lot of things There were inward that You know A lot of old sayings too Like I think the Not the origin But like what we say

Elephant in the room now Is it used to be There's a ninja in the woodpile Oh yeah Have you heard of that? Yeah that's like an old tiny That's an expression from Not Huckleberry

Finn. Yeah, I think in Huckleberry Finn. I think they're at, I might be pulling this out of my ass, but I'm pretty sure they're at like dinner at the plantation. And you could have just called him Jim. But Ninja Jim is like hanging behind the woodpile. And they're like, oh, there's a friend in the woodpile. I think that's where that comes from. Let me double check. I might have just pulled that out of my ass. Maybe. I know it's in a David Allen Coe song, rest in peace. I didn't know who that was, but I know he's dead. You didn't know who David Allen Coe is? He sang the greatest country and western song. I'm sure I heard songs of his. I just didn't know who he was. Well, it was all that I could do to keep from crying since that stuff.

And all those like, he had this outlaw record that rednecks would play on their trucks really loud when they pulled out of the high school parking lot. And it's just nothing but songs about calm and ninjas and just racism and calm and fucking. And it's just a real outlaw record. Nice. Based. RIP, David Allen Go. Yeah. What's the super racist album that everybody, where I grew up, used to play out in the country. Is it Johnny? Johnny Rebel?

That guy's just, he's just racist. Johnny Rebel is his name? Is that the one that's like, I'm a good old Rebel, and that is what I am. And for this Yankee Nation, I do not give a damn. No, he's like, it's much. Much worse than this. I'm glad I fought again, I only wish we'd won. We've got 400.

I don't want any pardon for anything I've done. Yeah, yeah. I think it was written clearly after the Civil War, but I don't know, it feels like it was written right after, because whoever's singing this is like super fist about it. I like the Ole Miss still has the rebels as their mascot, because every time I see that guy, like, I guess being from St. Louis, I'm a Yankee.

so I'm pro-union but when I see him he's like he just seems so blazé so cool with everything like I like that mascot he's got a cane he looks like a southern uncle Sam yeah he seems kind of neat

and because they lost it's it's like fun the same way like the redskins were fun or the Chicago Blackhawks are fun or the Braves are fun it's like if you guys had won and like really fucked us up we wouldn't have you as mascots on our sports teams

but you lost and so we can kind of repatriate that. Show that, Zach. That is a good mascot. I like that. Well, I mean, 400,000 of you did die in the effort, but I guess it was a victory. Of you. It's like you're drinking victory over trout. Like, I mean, technically, yeah, but really?

Which is funny. I have this debate all the time. All my family is from Western Tennessee. So my ancestors all fought for the Confederacy. But every time the debate comes up, I just a full union. I'm like, oh, the battle over. slavery. It's about states, rights.

It is fun to be a historic and just simplify it for the win and be like, oh, you really needed those blacks to pick cotton for you. You bastards. And then they have to like do a bunch of like wheelie turn geopolitical discussion of, well, actually it was because of a really complex thing. And it's like, yeah, but what was the crux of it? What was kind of the center point? economically the North was oppressing the South. Why? It's odd that like if it was...

And they were impressing the South. Outside of slavery, they were. But you just, you just center in on the slavery thing. There's so much nuance to it, but just to make it all about slavery, makes them so fucking mad. Yeah. I got a Kyle fired up. Oh, yeah.

I mean, well, the war went on for like 20 months or something before the Emancipation Proclamation. That seems like if it was just about slavery, like that would have been a day one kind of thing for Lincoln but he did it instead after gettysburg he like added something afterwards where it was like it's like we were declaring war against the south and then it was like yeah like a year later and he was like also this is because slave like slavery's the thing yeah and Lincoln's also like racist well he was dude he was a man in the 1800s yeah in the 1800s I think they asked him they're like so after they're freed

are they going to be able to, you know, own things and vote? And he's like, my God. No. He famously said, yuck. I'll be shot in the back of the head in the theater before that happens. That was my next. British, British, man. You know what's weird is George Washington spoke like a Brit.

I hate that. No, no chance. He had to. He had to have had that foppish, you know, dandy. accent? I think the accent flipped later on. If I'm remembering correctly, like the American accent or like

essentially how we talk as northerners was like was the accent or no no no actually it was the American Southern accent I think was the British accent at the time and that was how everybody

in England talked for years and years and years and years. Hi Chris. And then I'm back badly. We're talking about Civil War. The royal family, like, changed their accent to the current British accent.

And so it became, like, low class to talk in that way. But I'm pretty sure I might be pulling this out of my ass, but it feels right. It feels too specific for me to make it up. I think the modern American southern accent is pretty similar to, like, how British people talked in the, like, late 18th century. Maybe. Yeah. That is correct. I mean, I kind of came in late, but yeah, they, it was like during the colonial times,

like, you know, Boston Tea Party, all that kind of stuff. When we started pulling away from them, yeah, like you said, they started coming up with this sort of fancier accent, dropping the R's, that sort of thing, at least the aristocracy did, to make themselves sound more important and separate themselves from all of us peasants and colonials. And then that just sort of grew over time. Similar to that, like, mid-Atlantic accent, all the people in like the old, like, 1930s and 40s, kind of Catherine Hepburn style, I mean, yeah,

Catherine Hepburn type style accent, you know, that kind of thing. Exactly, yeah. That was a fun accent. They should have kept that going. Yeah, very, very haughty, you know, that Adolf Hitler fellow, he's a bad egg, you know. Makes a lot of strong points, though. And funny enough, you know, having an Appalachian American accent as I do, but spending a lot of time in Scotland,

you know, a lot of Appalachia was settled by Scottish people, and when I'm over there, like, there's some little similarities between my accent and their accent, which pop up here and there. That's kind of funny. You can kind of see the dialect roots between that sort of really cool kind of Scottish brogue and that Southern drawl kind of cross over a lot of times.

Yeah, Appalachians is populated by the Scotch Irish. The Scottish brought us fried chicken, so they're good in my books. Absolutely. Anybody shows you know fried chicken is always good. Yeah. I bet other people were frying chicken throughout, but I think the Scots were the ones who were like, this is fantastic. Like this, this is all we need to eat. That and some haggis. But funny enough, you don't find a lot of fried chicken over there now, though.

However, the theory I'd always heard with why the South has so much fried food in general is just that you can cook it so much faster. Like back in the days before air-conditioned kitchens, when people are in there over an oven all day long, you know, if it's July and Alabama and you're having. having to like bake a pot roast for five hours. Your house is just miserable. And people came up with frying because they could just bust out a chicken or something in 20 minutes and not roast the house out. And that's why we're all overweight and out of shape now, supposedly. That Philip Morris and the other tobacco companies bought so many food companies back in the day when they saw the riding on the wall and started making all of our processed food more and more addictive using the same team of scientists they made to, they used for their tobacco product. Remember when they went for the Senate and they all said that tobacco wasn't.

addictive? And it's, and there's no evidence it is. Other than the fact that if I go, if I go eight hours without it, I get really stressed and annoyed and in a bad mood and, you know, you're saying that and I was about to mute myself and go smoke a cigarette. I was like, can I get away with it? I'm fucking being, dude. They're not addictive. I only need one every 45 minutes. What are you talking about? My, I guess, step granddad, I would call him. He since passed away, but he was a doctor. And like back in the late 50s, early 60s, he was in some magazine ad, like, smoking a cigarette. And the old ad was about how, like, you know, smoking helped develop your lungs and encourage kids to start smoking early.

And it built stronger bodies. Like it was like literally like a healthy. Exactly. It was like a healthy thing to start smoking. Like, you know, blow cigarette smoking your baby's face for lung development. You know, build strong babies America. And it was just this like completely, yeah, like they knew it was bad. But they were just like, here you go.

Have you ever? Have you ever seen the old ad? it's for a new cigarette filter. They have asbestos in them. They've put asbestos in the cigarette filters. The last thing that you'd ever want to inhale right in something that you inhale through. We just didn't get it. And then the guy who came up with lead for gasoline also came up with some forever chemical aerosol.

And historians say that no one human has ever damaged the climate as severely as that one human being. Like his whole thing was not to plug my own YouTube channel, King Trout on YouTube, but I did make a video about that guy. Oh, I may be quoting your video even. Oh, yeah. I forgot his name, but yeah, he did, he added, uh, tetra. Eric the Poisoner. Eric the Poisoner. He added a tetraethyl lead to gasoline as an anti-knocking compound, which, uh, was the reason for like the spike in violent crime.

were all those serial killers in the 70s. You know, son of Sam, fucking, you believe that? He was the guy up in Milwaukee. Oh, 110%. It was in the paint, too. You got to keep that in mind, especially in low-income areas.

We had a guess that blamed, like, impoverished inner city neighborhoods today on lead paint in the 70s. Seems a little far-reaching, but. Yeah. I think there may be another factor, but we're not going to touch that. But, yeah, what's his name? Domer. Like all of that they call it like the golden age of serial killers and it was

All of these people who in the 50s like the height of tetraethyl lead being in gasoline so aerosolized lead and it's a bone seeker is what they call it the same way like calcium is and it binds itself to the bones in your body And your brain processes it I think in the same way as like healthy fats. So like if you eat or you know you get like avocado oil or whatever or or all olive oil. It's good for your brain or like fish oil. Your brain processes or puts lead in those same receptors. And it literally makes you retarded. Like it, it like, I'm not, not exaggerating, not joking at all. Like it, if your IQ is like 120, like you're above average, you're a smart guy, not a fart smeller. You're a smart fella. It'll drop your IQ down to like 70. And it also gives you like 70. Yeah, it makes you retarded. And so he did that and then he did shit.

What's the chemical that was in hairspray for forever? CFCs? Yeah, those aerosols that just ruin the ozone layer. Yeah, they would bind to ozone molecules and they would like expand out. Like they cause a chemical reaction and explode out. And then the explosion would cause like the same reaction over and over again. So like one molecule of CFCs. would cause like, you know, 10,000 of, or 10,000 molecules of ozone to evaporate.

And so it caused this, like, giant fuck off hole in the ozone layer. It was like the only thing that, like, the world has ever agreed on. We're like, we need to stop using these things. Yeah. And we cut out CFCs and that ended that. I'll have to look up his name. I made a YouTube video about this guy. From 120 IQ to 70, you'd have to notice things along the way, right?

Well, I mean, years ago, I used to, I mean, I still shoot guns, but back in the day, I mean, I shot all the time. I was a member to gun club shot every day after work. It was like going to the gym to go by a couple hundred caps. And like I started having all these like gastro issues and like headaches and stuff like that. And same deal. Like I went to the doctor like, was army. And they were like, dude, your lead levels are like cranked. And I'm sure, which is probably why I'm not as bright anymore.

more. But like, yeah, same thing just from the, you know, bullets and stuff flying around. I mean, let's some nasty stuff. And like there's this weird time between like the late 1800s and the, I guess the late 1900s where like our industrial growth was outgrowing our scientific knowledge, you know, kind of like in the early, you know, 20th century, you had all those like uranium resorts and uranium shakes and people are like, you know, putting it in toothpaste milkshakes and stuff. And like people were just destroying themselves. Have you ever seen that there was a department? device in shoe stores that would x-ray your foot so you could put your foot in it and you would

see what size you were by seeing the bones through the fucking thing they were radiating people to make sure their boots fit gosh and it makes you wonder like what are we doing now you know of course there's like the whole like cell phone signals that kind of stuff yeah like what are we doing microplastics yeah what are we doing now that 50 years now we're going to be like what were we thinking it's got plastic like 110 percent we know it's made from petroleum which we know is a carcinogen And it's everywhere all the time. Like, I just went to pick up my mouse and the cord ripped out. Like, I've been touching my mouse, which is made out of fucking plastic.

150 years from now, they're going to be mocking us for how much we surrounded ourselves with fucking plastic. That and I don't know if it'll pan out, but microwave just seem so convenient. There has to be something bad. No, they're safe. They're just so wonderful and convenient and useful that there, There's no way we're getting that good of a gamble on them. Well, the radiation level is like in the same category. It's very close to visible light.

Like it's just faster than visible light. You've got to be worried about slow shit on the other end. Like gamma and or beta and gamma radiation. Thomas Misdly Jr., by the way, is the name of the guy who I can't remember. Thomas what Jr.? Thomas Midgeley Jr. No more feedback on my end. Why is that?

No more feedback. Turns out it wasn't my mic, Zach. All good. I wonder about with lead because we know how bad it can be. But I like Christopher's story. It's a shame his mic is doing that. We'll have him back another time to try to get that fixed. Maybe we'll just buy him a freaking mic.

Jesus. But I think about the Roman Empire and like the fall of the Roman Empire and how they had all of that lead piping. I watched a video the other day on how they made it. It was fascinating how they formed the two lead pipes together and everything. That had to contribute in some way, no? Well, I talk about that in the, that Thomas Midgeley Jr. that I, or Thomas Midgeley Jr. video that I made because I was like, you know,

the Romans didn't know that lead was bad for him and all their pipes were made out of it. And some like Roman, ancient Roman historian I talked to recently was like, no, it's actually fine because they were running water pipes. don't work. It's not an on-demand system like ours is. There's never any still water sitting there. So it never, I mean, it absorbs some of the lead, but it's not. But think about it. I guess I don't know the science behind how long water needs to be in contact with a lead pipe to absorb some water. But it's going to be in that pipe traveling for a long time because it's coming from the source of water all the way to the city. I don't know how long the lead. One of it wasn't lead pipe. Like they were in

Stone Aquatic. Yeah, like terracotta. Yeah, or terracotta, like, leading up to the pipe. Yeah. I don't know how long the pipe was, but it wasn't,

that's what I'm getting it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, a lot of it was just open. Well, it was pretty well for a long time, the Romans. Like, if they, if it would have been that serious, like,

they would have started getting retarded around the time of like, you know, I don't know, Marcus Aurelius. I think they kind of did. You would think, which I guess, you know, ironically,

they did start getting retarded at the end of Marcus Aurelius's reign. That's why he was a stoic because he was ruling over what he could see would be the end How much water do you think of Roman aristocrat actually drink it a day though? They had most

mostly wine it had to have been mostly wine like you hear about the diets in the ancient world and it'd be like yeah they'd eat an entire loaf of bread and two bottles of wine a day that was what the average peasant ate? What the fuck? How did that? No wonder they all died at 30. No protein, no animal fats, just loaded on carbs and wine.

Yeah. Hell yeah. But their wine was weak as hell, wasn't it? Because they added like a bunch of parts of water to wine. Yeah, they watered it down. Yeah, it's not what we think is wine. They were like whining their water. They weren't really watering their wine.

That makes sense. Kind of like grog on a ship where you mix of brandy with the water to keep it, you know, bacteria. out. Yeah, like, as I understand. Yeah, not brandy. Yeah.

Maybe on a rich boat. On one of those ancient Roman yachts. Yeah. Oh, I watched this huge. A salted pork like from, like when, not pirate specifically, but when people would travel on large boats and do exploratory voyages that would last years, they'd have all that salted pork. And so he takes a keg and puts hunks of raw pork in it and salts it and adds brine.

And he's like, seen it. You saw it. He's like, we're going to open this up in February of 2026. This film the beginning of it's from last year. And then there's a little transition. And here we are. And I'm like, great, great. We get to see. And he cracks it open.

He's got a flesh hook. Never seen one of those before. Fucking flesh hooks that meet out of it. He's like, oh, a little discoloration on that one. But oh, the rest of it looks fine. And it's like, that's pretty cool. That's pretty cool. It makes sense. Yeah, he talked about how they would desalinate it

to eat it and they would put it in a bag and drag it behind the the vessel in the ocean water and I guess the salt would the ocean water it was so much saltier than the ocean water because it's just nothing but salt in there damn I didn't know they would put it in a bag behind a ship but that does make sense because I've I also watched Townsend and Sons do salt pork and the amount of salt he was putting on there like I don't know what I imagined but I was like like this is absurd. Like this is an amount of salt. And then brine.

I couldn't. Yeah. And then he poured that on top of the salt and everything. Yeah. And back then, apparently the salt pork, even though we think of like beef is the higher quality meat compared to pork, back then salt beef sucked.

Didn't work out right. But salt pork was you could still turn salt pork into something tasty if he did it right. And so people preferred salt pork to salt beef. Don't you like winced it off? Oh, sorry. He was just, he was like, now he wouldn't want to eat it raw like this as he pulls it out of this salt keg from last year.

But we know from historical records that some did. I'm like, oh, God, that would be the worst. It looks so raw and salty. I'm so thirsty. All we have is brine. Or rum. Oh, I'm going to be queasier. You want to talk about some emergency shits.

Imagine a fucking pirate Eat another but ship's biscuits That hardack is literally like high wheat flour That you bake low and slow And I don't mean for 30 minutes An hour or two hours Like, you would do two different bakes You would bake it once and then bake it again

Until all the moisture is gone And it's gonna be preserved And just from being dry You need a pound of that a day You need a pound of pork That salted pork a day And then you'd be lucky If you've got some mashed green peas in a bag

They would put the green. I think potage comes to mind, but that's not what potage is. They take the green peas and they put them in a sack. And then they tie it off real tight and like spin it until it compresses the piece. Then they boil the bag. They beat the shit out of you. They boil the fucking bag and that is your food. And they wouldn't add anything to it.

On holidays, they'd have butter. The whole time you're like gums are rotting away. You've had no vitamin C. They bring lemon juice. They'd have big. like barrels full of lemon juice or lime juice but that loses its vitamin C potency after a couple years so scurvy sets in on those extra long voyages when they're not in the tropics when they go to the north or they're exploring

some region that they can't get citrus they all get scurvy and lead poisoning and get violently ill that's that crazy Antarctic boy most disgusting disease you could possibly have with horrific symptoms and the in the cure is eat a a lime. Yeah. Eat a whole lime and the whole time you're like, you're just getting assaulted on all of your taste senses the entire time on a ship. You're either eating the saltiest piece of meat on earth or drinking lemon juice.

Like there's no. You probably mix some water. It'd be okay, you know, or some grog or whatever you're drinking. Like you diluted like every lemon juice with your fucking rum water. Yeah, that sounds like a cocktail. I was going to say that. Sounds like a great cocktail. Yeah.

Now you're mixing. Yeah. We get some banana slices in here. We got a party. I think a whole smoothie. I don't remember if I read this in a reputable source or some random tweet. It came to you in a dream. Or it came to me in a dream.

Doesn't late stage scurvy mean like your scars start opening up again? Yes. Oh my God. Your scars like open back up again. Yeah. So all of your scars open up, this big stab wound of my arm would open up? My foreskin grows back. I wonder if there were that ring around your dick

I start opening up and oozing. They don't tell that. That's not in the historical data. The light brown ring around your cockhead. Those guys weren't cut though. They were they were hearty sailor men. Yeah, they needed this. They needed the foreskin in that climate. Yeah, to protect you from not only insects of the Pacific.

You can store limes in there. You're sneaking limes in your foothskin again, eh? No, sir, no. Let me smell it. Boy, he's been sneaking. You, boy. I can tell because it's not disgusting. I see it, like the corporate punishment system on those boats of the time seems like really barbaric.

but at the same time, because some of the punish, like, like, uh, uh, hauling. Huh? Oh, that's different. Keel hauling doesn't even seem like a punishment. That's attempted murder. That's an execution. That's just execution, yeah.

Yeah, because the problem with keel hauling, they did it different ways. For those don't know, that's when you haul, you throw the person overboard in the front of the vessel and you tied with a rope and you sort of drag them at the front. So that the splash and the surge of the water at the front is kind of waterboarding them the whole time. but what I've read is that a lot of times they would do it a different way where they would do it around the sides. Yeah, they'd have a rope that went under the bottom of the vessel on the right side and came out on the left side and they would throw you in and drag you across the hole underneath the boat and the undersides are covered with barnacles and those growths and stuff. So it's not even sandpaper. It's more like like blades or like rock.

It's like being dragged behind a truck on a gravel road. I think it's worse than that even. It's bad. Yeah, because at least you can breathe on the truck. And you can't breathe. And they do you multiple trips. You know, they might do you multiple trips or they might just do it to you die. And those guys are bored.

They're like, we got a thousand miles to Scandinavia. This is the most excitement we've had around here. And on a Coons age, give him another pull. Send him around again. I want his lime tonight. Who? Anyone called dibs on Derek's lime? No? And then the lashing.

Like it seems like if you were insubordinate or something, you'd get like 10 lashes or something like that. I don't want that. I don't want to be lashing me as an adult. I don't think that's, you can't just give lashing to shipsmen. In the British Navy, you absolutely could. I just mean, like, lashing was around everywhere. Oh.

Like the keel hauling thing was a specifically seafaring form of torquy. Yeah, but I think that's for like a serious crime because I might not survive. I'm curious. I think they would lash you over like insubordination or like a fight with a crew member, certainly with a superior officer for like maybe stealing rations or like doing your duties poorly. They got to do that then. Like you're on a ship with a bunch of potential miscreants. You know, these guys aren't, they're not on the ship.

because things were going well. It's true. Like they're, you know, you got to keep those guys in line. Appeal, like, fuel hauling was a punishment for, like, mutiny or desertion. So, like, the two worst crimes you could commit on the high seas. That makes sense. I would never be ballsy enough to mutiny. I would only turn when I saw the majority were also on the side of mutiny.

Would you hype up a mutiny or, though? I would be a complete coward. Would you hype up the mutiny or kind of antagonize, though? You're right. He's not given us any. butter. I bet he's got butter tonight. I bet he's got power butter. He called you a faggot earlier. Did you hear that?

Yeah. And then to be the first guy to push him over when you're keel hauling him. Sorry, bro. Oh, brave. Outrageous. Yeah. You know, Captain. Captain fucking Edward

over here. He's got crazy. He called you a fucking faggot, bro. We tie him up and throw him underneath the ship. I've been bored for like a week and a half. I saw a manatee that looked sexy as fuck, though. yeah oh yeah that always confuses me that because they have like lady bones in their legs and so they thought they were like they got horny for them is that right still do they that's what they that's

the tales of mermaids come from apparently when they would come and they would see the manatees in the gulf of america and and they would uh they thought that the manatees were mermaids but if you've ever seen a manatee that thing is not sexy that thing is one of the ugliest creatures agree to disagree, Kyle. Zach, show us a sexy manatee. See if you can dig that out of the archives of the internet. A sexy man. Yeah, sexy man.

Yeah, sexy one. Because I've seen how they have like, they have weird knees. I think you have beluga whales, but maybe manatee too. Yeah, they have like vestigial legs. Yeah. So they have like hips. The luga whales do have almost like a feminine hip on their,

on their underside, you can see like their hips in the shape of their body where like this thing used to walk on land. It was only a few million years ago. Ooh. Ooh. You find it sexy, sexy balloons now? Let's get horny in the chat.

I'm finding some of these, dude. Single belugas in your community net, but you must fuck now. Are you looking for sexy beluga whales in your neck of the woods? These belugas want to fuck and they're not taking no for an answer. But you have to fuck them. You can't see what this happen. You're removed from beluga fuckers.org.

Those are the funniest app or like ads where it's like... You've ever tempted even a little. No. To click on whatever that they're trying to to hawk to you on those porno ads. No, I assume all of it is a scam. Yeah. I want to get lock and load in those. Not only because it's a good gag, how much could it cost?

about, I mean, buy $5,000 worth. And like, like, pepper the internet with, with like, someone's trying to get to just another porno video. And instead, it's just us. It's literally us in the commercial. If I was jerking off and saw you guys in an ad, just game over. Game over as in, then you. Yeah, immediately bust.

It's like, oh. The thing about doing our ads there, we could show people of Jack. massively. We could show the results because right now they have to take our word for it. And our word is our bond here. But the results are hard to believe to the newcomer. So I think if we had like the newcomer. A sponsored athlete essentially. We need a sponsored athlete. A sponsored athlete.

I am you insane and I am here with luck and lord to show you how much I bust. No, not an athlete turned porn star, a porn star turned product spokesman. That's me. I'm telling you. I've endorsed the product for ever since I started using it. Yeah, but I have this. Well, it depends on who you ask. I have a video that if it gets leaked and people are like, is this you, I will own up to it 110%.

Because A, it was a good dick day. And B, I was on lock and load. It had been about four weeks. dude shit's peak i'll send it to you right now if you want to watch no i believe you i believe you that's all right i don't need that i've seen is i was going to ask is the is the girl in it cute but it would be funny or if you were like no it's solo is it solo it's just me cracking it dude yeah it's me in front of a mirror flexing my abs beating off

it's mostly my face no i was doing i was laying on my back with my legs up over my head Oh, God. Oh, man, I would look horrible in that position. Hellish. I don't think anyone would like that. We wouldn't sell anything. No, no. That's what we need a sponsor.

Maybe you. I'm hairless. I'm like a mole rat. That's what I mean. Twinkish, you know? Saxy? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Dirty. Dirty. Sexy. A coy with it too. Yeah. Oh, I know you are. I turn you in a heartbeat if that was my goal. I know it.

That would be so funny. Yeah, yeah. You'd be my bottom in Nellie's mansion. That could have been our life together. No, no, you would take one look at that thicket and you'd be like, and you'd be like, nah. I come home and be like, I'm not about to enter Fangorn for us. You'd be wearing nothing but that apron that says kiss the cook, and I would. No.

No, it'd be like Gimley. He's like, they say, they tell lots of tales about this place. You can see my hair. My dark tears. I still like... There's a theory that each and every decision that we make or when a particle goes left and set a right, it creates an alternate universe. And there are just an infinite number of these universes.

Because if you turn red at the red light, there's a whole different reality than if you turn right at the red light. And that compounds out to everything from particles, impacting other particles to, you know, who you marry, like the decisions you make in life. And not just you, but every single other entity in existence in the universe, creating all these infinite universes. I know there's a universe out there for where me and you got Nelly's mansion and we spiffed it up. And that's what we're doing right now. We're in Nellie's mansion doing cool shit. That would be fun. Isn't it in St. Louis?

But it doesn't mean we have to have gay sex in it. It doesn't mean you have to. There's a universe where we do. We're not having gay sex in it. There's a way more universes where we own Mellie's mansion together and we're not having gay sex. But I can't really comprehend this, but apparently there are different quantities of infinity. There are some infinities that are greater than others. I can't wrap my head around that one, but I know it's true.

But yeah, there's definitely more realities where we don't go queer in Nellie's mansion. Like it's some sort of haunted mansion that makes you gay or something. Maybe that's his face. Maybe it is. Did he get touched up by Diddy? Was he one of his boys? No, Nellie was one of the good ones. Didn't he piss on a child?

No, no, that's R. Kelly. R. Kelly, okay, yeah. They all look at the same. I feel like Nellie's country grammar, right? Nelly and 50 cent are the two that are like clean as a whistle on this, right? Yeah, 50's never been implicated anything other than like real crimes. Gang land crimes don't count, though.

Just don't fuck kids. 50 seems cool of all the rappers of all the rapists I think he's my favorite rapiers the rapiers yeah I love how spiteful he is how he did he did like that news interview with a network that shows in the prison ditty's going to be at there's only like four channels in there so like he saw that fucking interview it's on one of the TVs like that's despite and he he he wouldn't have done that small time interview if not for that he wants to get in there and He wants Diddy to see him talking shit about him. The whole documentary he made.

Did you watch that documentary? No. 50 financed and produced this like mini series documentary. There's like three episodes, four episodes, maybe an hour long each, tearing Diddy's whole life apart from beginning to current days. And it's just like that Mr. McMahon doc on Netflix, how at first Diddy was working with a documentary crew. And it was during the time where that,

accusations were just starting to like happen. And so they got him like, we're going to hire the best PR people. We're going to feel the internet with so much shit against her. They ain't going to believe nothing she says. We got to discredit these people. We got to make them look like the thieves and the liars that they are. And like, but then, but then he went to jail.

So that documentary crew has all this footage and no client anymore. So they sell it to 50. And he incorporates into his documentary. I mean, at the beginning of it, he's picking on ditty for all sorts of shit. Like he was a mama's boy. His mama didn't like him very much. And then there's like his aunt or something. Yeah, they never did like him, none.

Like, did she get on him from childhood to adulthood. Like every like crime he committed, every person he threatened really strongly implicates him in the Tupac and Biggie Murders. Like to the point where I'm like probably probably was him. Probably was Diddy hiring and paying these people to kill them. It's great. Did he get convicted of any of the congenital heart gunshot food? Did he get convicted of any of the sexual crimes he committed? Yeah.

Well, no, actually, I think the thing they got him on was maybe a man act violation, like transporting women for immoral purposes across state lines, maybe something like that. I think they gave him like four or five years, something like that. he's been in for a couple of years right time flies when you're having fun I can't really say at least a year yeah

well yeah shout out to shout out to Tupac why except Tupac I saw I saw interviews of Tupac and before he was famous

he seemed kind of gay he had a very gay as gay as fuck yeah he's gay as shit you fucking East Coast West Coast, East Coast. That's fine.

Be gay if you want, but he did seem gay. I disagree. You know, Easy E died of AIDS. Like you down. Yeah, Dr. Drey's got those old albums where he's like, got the Jerry Curl and the, I don't know, that woman's blouse on and everything. And then Easy E. He died of AIDS.

Maybe he got that Magic Johnson AIDS that you get from women, inexplicably. But who's to say. Matt, he cured it with money. man if you got straight aids you couldn't tell anybody nobody would you just get roasted if you got you'd have to lie about a blood transfusion or something they wouldn't believe this shit i was saving a guy from a car accident i had a cut on my hand he had a cut on his hand and i pulled him out and he said please save me i was beating a homosexual to death in a hate crime and his blood splashed into my eyes a rage virus and 28 days later i guess that yeah that's That's the only way to get your cred back in prison. No, it's because I was beating one of them to death with my fists. He's like, oh, shit.

Anyway, Bandova. I got AIDS too. Oh, no. No, you wouldn't want that. I don't think AIDS is a big deal anymore. I mean, it's super scary because I grew up. It's a huge deal. I'm older than you.

So, like, I was around when it was even scarier than you even know. Like, it was, they made it sound like we were going to get AIDS in fucking middle school somehow. Yeah, but that was Fibury. Like, it's, it's from like intravenous drug use and like gay sex. Homosexual sex. Yeah. Mostly. Like overwhelmingly. Yeah. Probably like 87% or something like that. Because gay sex is pretty brutal. So there's a lot of micro tears. It doesn't have to be brutal. You'd be loving. You know, like like I don't, I don't even want to be in Nellie's mansion with you if it's going to be brutal. I'd love you. That's the word you use for your, for your, for your, for your podcast lover. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I'd give you so many fucking microdeckish. I'm going to have a hemorrhoid cushion, like constantly. Oh, you'll be sitting on a donut when we're done. You're picking up all the groceries, if that's the case. And I'm just in the bathroom, looking in the mirror with a gun in my head, like, ah! It would have been worth it to have Nellie's mansion That place at a basketball court

Dude, dude I don't even know how a place becomes as dilapidated As Nellie's mansion Yeah, you do, you've seen Missouri. You've seen the neighborhoods. Years have abandoned it. It's in a really, really nice area.

It's not like an area of St. Louis. What is he going to absorb upkeep from the neighbors? Like intramal. Like osmosis? It's like a. Only two people got murdered by hammers in this neighborhood. It's not totally in the middle of the woods, like middle of nowhere, but it is in a nice suburb in the woods.

Like there are, there's probably half a mile between him and the next neighbor on either side. Yeah, it looked really nice. I wanted it. Wasn't it like 600,000? It was like 600K, but this was forever ago. You had said yes. I literally would have been like, all right, how much can I get together for this down payment? we gotta go under this right.

I was like, we could have started a whole YouTube channel where we were renovating Nellie's mansion. And eventually we get Nellie to come back and maybe he buys it from us. That's the finale of the episode. And then we just, you know, we go our separate ways with my donut and my...

But what we didn't expect is that love would be found in Nellie's mansion. Nellie sings at our gay wedding. That's how the show ends. I feel like Nellie wouldn't be cool with that. seems like one of those, he's got his band-aid on. He's like, no, man. No, I ain't seen that yo gay way. That's how we get him to buy the place. He doesn't want us having gay sexing up his place and using his name in conjunction with our gay sex renovation channel anymore. That would be funny.

That would be, we could have even got Woody as a viewer. We're not out in the seas, but we're, we'd be building. A lot of drywall work. And I don't know how to do concrete work. Trout Oh, that's me. I literally do have experience with that. I can do that. So you could fix that basketball court? Basketball is a different scenario. But like if the foundation's cracked or something, I'd know what to do.

I know what to do. Like I've poured a lot of cement pads. I've like ordered concrete for them and like spread them out and leveled them and smoothed them out. And I've done that a bunch of times. You got to repave like basketball courts and tennis courts. They use some special compound. It's like I would imagine. I would imagine.

Nothing but the best for us. We're going hardwood. We're going hardwood. Hardwood best. Is it indoors or outdoors? No, it's outdoor. It'd be an expensive endeavor. We've got to replace it every time it rains. We'll put it an awning out there, you know, something fancy. Like they have at the Atlanta airport, that big decorative awning, something like that. Yeah, it doesn't rain constantly here. So did you all have tornadoes like yesterday?

Last weekend we did. The sirens went off near my house, but I'm in a hilly area. and so I always ignore those. We had tornado yesterday. It's the flat planes people who've got to be afraid. My dog was so freaked out from the thunder we had to give her her doggy Valium. She looks so happy on Valium. I'm like, we should just put her on Valium. Like, she's always really skittish and, like, nervous and kind of looks sad.

Like, she looks depressed. She has no reason to be depressed. These dogs get, like, treats five times a day or something and just constant love and attention and snuggled. Pampered as hell. But she's like, she looks depressed. I think she genuinely needs dog antidepressants to, like, cheer her up. Because she's always so anxious and nothing bad has ever happened. But when a thunderstorm goes on, like, she's literally like snuggles up to me like a little child on the couch and it's just like panting.

Really embarrassing. Does your sky get green? Oh, yeah. During tornado times because that's how I can tell even before the alarm goes off is like it'll be two in the afternoon and it's overcast, but the sky is all green. What causes that? Is it like air pressure changing or something? I have no idea, but it's kind of cool. Like as long as you're in an area where you know you're not going to get smoked,

it is cool. Like I have some most terrifying shit in the world. Where are you at? You're in Texas now? Right now I'm in Texas, but I grew up in Indiana. And like literally my first memory was we were at the fucking 4H fair. My older sister used to show llamas. And I was a little little kid, probably like two, three.

free-ish and a tornado was rolling through and the sky turned that like nauseating like pea soup green yeah and we're in this like big top tent because where else are you it's not cover but where else are you gonna take cover because there are no buildings out there and i this is my first memory my dad is like holding me underneath a fucking like picnic table and the tent gets ripped off and thrown away and i'm looking up at my dad's face in the sky. And just in my little kid brain, I was like, dad,

I need to tell you something. He was like, what's up, buddy? And I was like, I'm afraid of monsters. And it's like, just because like,

you know, my little kid brain, I'm like, oh, what's like, I'm embarrassed about that. And he's like, monsters aren't real.

And he's just like holding me. And he's like, monsters aren't real. You don't got to worry about monsters. And so I took that knowledge and moved on in my childhood. And, like, I was like, oh, thank God. Monsters aren't real. Dad told me. I'm very comfortable with that. And then as an adult, reflecting back on it, I was like, holy shit. My dad is holding his son thinking he might die.

Just your infant son is like, dad, I'm scared of monsters. And he's like, don't worry about monsters, buddy. Like we might be ripped off into the sky. He also say weird shit. Imagine if like you're holding a baby and like they look up and they're like, all is finite. Like, oh my God. What's that part? Well, make believe monsters are just stand-ins for the evils within every man. So really, the world is full of monsters.

Eight billion of them, son. I could be one too. I saw the scary-ass tape yesterday. Some UPS drivers scooped up his seven-year-old kid and like murder in the UPS van with the K. UPS has a camera in there recording. It might have been FedEx, whatever.

But like murder the seven-year-old. They gave him the death penalty today. I saw it on the news. God, yeah, fuck that. I saw that too. Glad he's gonna die. He's fucking stone cold, unresponsive to that verdict being read. I mean, psychopath.

Psychopath. He murdered a child for no reason, seemingly. Yeah, I don't even want to know the details. I don't know why he would, you would just want to kill a fucking child. That's one of those where I'm like, why don't we just go shoot this guy outside? Like, in this Texas? I can't,

rope is cheap and gravity's free. That was the top comment on that video. That's a good one. Yeah, just end it. This guy doesn't, they got him on video doing this. Then, you know, there's no reason to have some dickhead defense attorney making money off of it.

Like, no, just end this guy. Get him out of here. Public defender, you know, really a job program. It's not like he was like,

oh, I must defend this. I just mean there's no reason to pay anyone. Just end it. That's an interesting job, right? Public defender, especially in like a really big, big crime-ridden area

just getting assigned a case. Do you have any choice? Can you be like, no, I don't want to defend the child molester? I bet you really don't. I think they can. I think they can turn down cases because I had a college professor who was the prosecuting attorney for the county that I lived in. And she's like, I took one of her classes

and I gave this like big ass fucking speech or whatever. college is not for me but she was like you would like be a great fucking prosecuting attorney because of your sense of justice because I am of the opinion that like if you're in court

you're probably guilty I know it you know we have the constitution that says you're innocent until proven guilty but if you're in court like you're probably guilty of that you have to believe that as a prosecutor

more like more often than not defendants are guilty That's just... Yeah. But you're, you know, we're innocent... A part of the justice system really should be treating everyone equal because there are all sorts of scenario. The great thing about DNA evidence, one of the many things, is it shined light on how so many people were doing time for crimes they didn't commit. Like, like, provably, clearly, like, these people, like, justice failed them because someone took a look at them,

made the assumption that that we all make that, uh, it's a defendant, probably guilty. He went through a whole system to get here of filters and he ended up right here at the last step. But yet they were all like miserved by justice. Worse than miserved. They were sent away for 10, 20, 30 years sometimes, like crazy times.

I love when those guys get paid. How much, I feel like you should get at least a million a year. If they have sent in a prison. It seems fair if you're put in there unjustly. I think it depends on the crime. If it's like, if you were sent in. to life in prison and you're proved like innocent, a million a year

seems justified. It was like 10 years. It depends how long you've been in there. I don't know. You take 10 years of somebody's life. That's it. That's it. Like, you're on why they're getting out. Because if it's like, oh, we were able to prove that this guy didn't

kill the person, he just strong armed robberyed and molested someone and then, you know, didn't do that last. No, I'm talking about it. It's usually rape and murder rape cases where there was DNA evidence there, but they didn't have the ability to test for it at the time, but they kept the evidence.

And now they're able to be like, oh, you're definitely not the guy. Like this is. Oh, yeah, if you're like fully exonerated of something like that, it's like, yeah, your life has essentially been ruined. Oh, yeah. They've taken away a decade of your life. And then, you know, your prospects for a job or, yeah. You should have to buy you a sick house and a sick car of your choice.

and some sort of pension. Mm-hmm. And the meal of your choosing. One dinner. And another meal. Every day. Every day. Dinner.

Every day. Crab for life. I tell you want the $30 million settlement or throwing us out there. Crap dinners for life. On us. All you can eat. I got to go crab dinners for life. Of course you do.

Of course you do. That's easy. Although I guess with $30 million. I could get. Actually, I couldn't eat crab every day. My Are they rife with it? Are they lousy with it? I just think if you eat nothing but crab for years like or seafood in general, you would imagine that.

I mean, I know from many times of experience that there is no food that I eat a ton of that I then have to poop right away other than crap. Like I can eat a ton of steak, a ton of chicken, a ton of pork, a ton of, you know, clams, a ton of oysters, any other meat. But when I eat a ton of crab. The mysteries of the human digestive system. It's like it's because it's not even digested yet. It's still in my belly, but it sends some sort of signal to the rest of me that's like whatever's in here fucking clear out. Yeah. Yeah.

Because it can't be getting no nutrition system. Yeah, I guess I wouldn't be getting. Well, that's what I'm saying is it's not the crab I'm pooping. It's the whatever the crab signal is sending to the rest of my digestive tract. to empty out. Because obviously the crap, because I can sometimes after I eat a ton of crab, you shit the next day and it's like I'm on a Maryland dock.

It's like, my God, this is crazy. The smell in here. I half expect to hear seagulls in my bathroom. On that note, folks, before we jump to the next thing, we're going to hear from a wonderful new sponsor, Club WPT Gold. All right, everyone, here's a quick word from today's sponsor, Club WPT Gold. If you like poker or even just the idea of turning absolutely nothing into something, this is for you.

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He paid for that. Yeah, we didn't send that to him. He paid for that. we said no no imagine if imagine if we did if he asked if we said fuck you but also get yourself a mug get yourself stickers get yourself a t-shirt a hoodie whatever you like high quality stuff you can wash it a bunch of times

and it doesn't do that weird bacony shit thing that a lot of those graphic teas do PKK 10 save 10% good stuff solid solid stuff and Bruce Green is here and we've got Bruce Green coming in. This wall of fantasy, which I love so much.

I'm so glad you love it because I, like I said, last time I worked very hard on this. I need to replace it. There's a couple other helmets and masks I've got hewed up ready to go, but they're like 500 bucks. So I have to get the cash to do it first. I'm, for whatever reason, like if you had funco pops, I would think that was lame. I'm sure you have some, but you don't clearly have a massive collection of them that I can see. There's some collections that I think are just like waste of money, but I don't know. Those strike me as the sort of thing that if you wanted or needed to, you could sell. Like, they seem like really high quality.

Here, hold on a second. And I like all those properties. Bruce's helmet collection? Yeah, it's great. Oh, look, he's got, um, you've got Erg back there or whatever, whatever the head Urukai is. I don't remember that. Now, I can't hear you.

It's important that I can't, I can't hear what you're saying, Kyle, just so you know. But most of these helmets I can wear. That's, it's like speeder bike. speeder bike stormtrooper maybe I don't know that one so there we go that was pretty cool I like that helmet a lot

do you ever cosplay do any of that stuff doctor doom yeah yeah so that this originally this wall came from the fact that oh man when was this 2011 I want to say I there's if anybody's listening to this that cares about Batman there's this amazing

Batman motorcycle suit that is basically the dark night costume from the movie. And I like had a normal job and I'd saved up some money. It would cost me like $1,500 or whatever to buy the mask, the suit, like the boots, the whole fucking deal. And and I cosplayed. I did it at Comic-Con.

And it was just so much fun. Like it was like the like I had never had so much fun. So now like you said, King Trout, I have like Dr. Doom and these are all like cosplays I want to do eventually. but you make a hell of a grogou I mean the grogues the only one I can't wear

maybe you could be like most of you could be inside of a pedestal or something for him are you going to watch the grogou Mandalorian movie that's coming out I am are you excited about it no nobody's excited to you

so season one of the show I thought was I was like man Disney is doing this thing right this is good stuff they have done a whole under spin-off thing with some characters I like Pedro's Pascal hadn't been so overworked and over-exposed that I still really liked him. He was the Red Viper of Dorn from Game of Thrones still in my eyes.

And so I loved him. I loved that he didn't take the mask off because I'm a big dread fan. And I look back at that Stallone dread where he immediately takes the helmet off. I don't like that. Keep the helmet on. That's perfect. I, unlike, I know Woody hates Grogu, I think he's so cute. I like him.

How could you hate Grogu? Grogo is adorable. He thinks he did he He disneyed the fuck out of Star Wars It's just he's lame as shit Dude he's cute He's a yeah He's a little guy

Oh man That sucks I like him I love the idea that he's this little guy Who's 50 years old And every now and then he's our DeSX Machina He's like fucking no

Stop And you're like oh shit He's way stronger now And I love that is getting stronger as they go I know I think Philoni is making the movie maybe Whoever it was And Fabra It's Fabra

Love fat. That's a great team. If they had stayed behind the Mandalorian and done all that stuff, I feel like seasons two and I think there's a three. I didn't even watch it. I saw Stacey Abrams and Jack Black were the leaders of a planet they went to and I just checked completely out of the series. Isn't Stacey Abrams that fat lady from Georgia? Yes, she is. It's a real. It's a real bummer all the way around that last seat. What you're describing, I thought it was Lizzo and Jack Black. I couldn't remember it was Lizzo. Stacey Abrams. I'm almost... I could be wrong, but I'm almost positive at Stacey Abrams. They look similar,

so it's an easy one to mix up. You're right. Season 3 was a real... It really jumped a shark. It was really bad. It wasn't great. Why did they pick her as an actress? Is she an actress?

That became a politician? No, but she's a DEI leader. So they made her a DEI leader in Star Wars. It was perfectly cast. She's the ruler of some planet that needs the Mandalorian to come bailing out or whatever. That sounds pretty... Very terrible.

But then you go back to that episode of Mandalorian. The leader of planet blackest fattiest. Yeah. The season finale of maybe episode one or two, whenever it is that Luke Skywalker shows up, man, that's good TV. Like, I've seen, when that happened, I remember, like, I put my hand on my girlfriend's knee

and I'm like, fuck up, get off the phone. Here we go. Here we go. Something's happening. And then, like, I was like, he's like, oh, just one X-wing. No big deal. and you see Luke Skywalker jump out

and just cut his way through all of the top tier bosses that we can barely contend with all the way there. And then I thought the CGI like over the actor's face thing was pretty good. I was like, that's Luke Skywalker. Was it like the Irishman? No.

So they found an actor who, fair enough, looked just like Mark Hamill when he was young. What happens in the Irishman? In the Irishman, they deage DeNiro. Except they can't deage his shoulders. And so there's a scene where he's,

supposed to be like throwing repeated guns into a river, but he can't do like a normal man throw because he's elderly. And so he's just like looking young in his face and just like just pitching him from the side. It's pretty pathetic. He's also a year old, 30 year old. They got like a 26 year old actor or something to play Luke Skywalker. And then they put a CGI young Skywalker face on a guy who already looked enough like him that it was passable. And they I love that. I liked that the Mandalorian felt a little bit like a Western at times when they ran into Timothy Oliphant on that on that planet

and it was sort of a Western experience. He was the sheriff, yeah. Caddane was good. I liked them injecting him into the story. It just all went downhill from there. So I'm not excited for the movie because they lost me so hard with the maybe the second and definitely the third seasons of that show. But I'm going to walk to it because I think that little cute.

I mean, I'm the same. I think a lot of people watch. it but I'm not sure I don't I haven't met anybody that's been excited about it too bad because I want to be excited about it I just I'm not sure that I am yet so it's so easy to make a good Star Wars movie like they're talking about doing another Ray project stuff like that like I thought people didn't like her largely well this person doesn't yeah they don't no most people don't I think they like some people at Disney seem to like her maybe maybe cut and run from that character

oh yeah they should do the Knights of the old Republic type live action thing go way before any of the current events of any of the movies, brand new characters and, and tell one of those stories from the, the novels. They are doing that with Ryan Gosling. There's a movie called Star Wars Starfighter, and it's directed by, I think it's Sean Levy, I want to say.

Yeah. And Ryan Gosling's in it. So that could, that has some potential to be okay. Gosling's one of my favorite movie stars. Like I've liked him since I saw him in Driver back in the day, that like autistic driver stomping people. spaces in in elevators. Love that.

He's literally, jacket was fucking cool. I see that scorpion jacket. I see that scorpion jacket. We talked about that. I saw him in that movie in that jacket. And then I pictured myself in it. And I was like,

you're going to look like a fat retard. Same thing. I have it in the other room. I'm not going to put it on. Well, you're at least slim. Please put it on. My big,

my big moon face. Go get a two. pick too. I want you, whenever we ask you something, just sort of pause for five seconds, let's you your tooth big and just say, yeah, like real cool.

Or like you flip a, you flip a coin and you catch the coin. Oh, toothy guy's way cool than coin guy. Sure, but you would do both. You'd be a toothpick at a company guy. That's a little busy,

I think, for my character. That's a lot, yeah. I feel like you've got like nervous at that point. Yeah. It would be a lot for me. I'd be,

I'd flip the coin. It'd be like having to reach way over here. It's clanging off the ground. You're hustling for it because it's not just a quarter. It's some special coin that you have. That was my fucking second juia dollar. They don't make them anymore.

Remember when they made the coin machines accept those? That had to be some some fucking dark money situation. Yeah. The second juwea dollars? I've never seen a coin machines except one of those things. That's crazy. I'm going to guess the year was 2002. And around that time, I remember they started making all the drink machines,

take Saka Jua dollars, and they, like, rolled out the Sackagiaia dollar. We were so proud that we had stuck Sackagiaiaia on a dollar. I remember Buffalo Nichols, all right? And there it is. Look at that jacket. You look great. Oh, that got tried. That looks.

That looks, and you got the glasses, too. He kind of looked. All right. All right. Hang on. You look gay as hell. I got to get credit to do here. I'm annoyed how good you look wearing that.

Not only do you look good wearing it, you look a little like more like you look a little like Gosling, which is the strongest compliment I can pay a man. Yeah. God damn. Take him in. How much he's pulling this off. I'm going to play the character and not talk.

That's what I say. Exactly. He's not seen it. he's doing it I'm gonna a picture of Ryan Galsing can drive real quick I can't unsee this now I got a hammer in the other room too

I'll go grab that dude I'm literally him I'm gonna go fuck a Hispanic chick with a with a child by her wife or by her husband yeah that was a good news

that happened in the movie I didn't remember that happening oh shit look at this I gotta zip it up this movie I think was single this was single-handedly responsible for vapor wave for the for the genre

of vapor wave drive drive like started this was it like that like semi retro 80s thing yeah yeah it's called baby I didn't know that yeah and like this was the first time it was over popularized was because of this movie I like that not even joking I bought this fucking

tag hire watch because Ryan Gosling was was the guy in the fucking ad I think you might be doing some Ryan Gosling cosplay in your spare time This is the you're killing it here. I think you like Ryan God. You could,

you look good enough to disappoint someone as a look alike if they hired you. Yeah. You should go to Hollywood and Highland. It'd be one of the celebrities. You take picture with me. $50. $50. I love those videos on YouTube with the scammers and UK getting beat up when they try to do like,

it is present. He's present. And they drop it on the ground. They want you to pick it up and then pay them. and they keeps hounding the guy and the guy just decks him, just beats the shit of him in the street. It's great.

They're not used to Americans who are like, suck my fucking dick. I'm not paying you money. No, if I had my gun, this would go even more different. What other shit that Kyle's talking about? They,

like, it's the most baseline fucking scam where they're like, you want a bracelet? You want a bracelet? I give you bracelet. Is gift. Is gift.

And then they like, put it on your wrist. And then you're like, okay, thanks. And walk away. way and they're like, you owe me 20 euro, 20 euro. And Europeans, what they do, because they're cowards and faggots. Oh, no, I've been had his 20 euros.

And Americans go, no, I'm not giving you fucking 20 euros. You told me this is a fucking gift. And they're like, no, you owe me 20 euro. And then we beat the shit out of Romanians. Is that who's mostly to blame? Because I know that seems like the group that everyone in Europe singularly has dislike for are the gypsies. And I know they're like some weird subsection of Romanian people.

And then they go around and they stay in like caravans and they bother people and try and scam them. Is that not correct? Are you terrible racism now? Do you know this for sure, Taylor? Are you? I feel like it might be this might be. I may be wrong. I thought I thought that gypsies were the group that like like, like,

you'll like here like you'll see someone on social media as I'm like super progressive lib from Germany being like via welcome welcoming of anyone and then two posts later I'll be like this fucking gypsy tried to scam me out of 40 euros because he gave he forced upon me a poorly carved statue of his penis or like whatever is going on I think that's I think I'll be professionally racist Bruce are you running for political office right now Not at all, no. Okay, perfect. So there's a subsect racial group of Romanians, the Romani people,

who just like wander around. They traditionally have always been a wandering group of people. And all they do is steal. They're, I don't even know, like, the American equivalent. They're kind of like, like hillbillies, but hillbillies don't like roam around and steal from people. I don't think we have an equivalent. Maybe like displaced Native Americans.

I had one of those robbed me once. They're not running around stealing. We was. I've definitely seen Hillbilly homeless. I think I know what you're talking about. But I don't know that they like all of these groups walk around. Well, I mean, yeah, I don't know if they all walk around stealing things. Again, I think that might be a stereotype that we don't know for sure since I've never been stolen from.

I don't know. That's fair. I do know that a very progressive girl and her husband that I know. went to Italy and were immediately robbed by gypsies. Like they were in Rome, like looking at the old stuff, and then some gypsy came up and, like, robbed them. Like snatch and grab? A bowl bag or yeah, like what?

No, apparently it was a couple of them, and they like threatened them into like, give me your stuff. And they asked nicely at knife point or? Yeah, they were. I don't know. She didn't mention weapons, just said they got, accosted and had to hand over their own wallet and keys and stuff. And then they had to go through a big,

a big rigameroo of getting IDs in Europe for America. So then they could go back to America because they lost their shit. Losing all your shit in a foreign country must suck. Oh, that's, I think I would take the beating before I gave my passport to a foreigner though, you know. I think I would protect that with like my life, my well-being to the point. Plus, I wonder if they were in public. passport. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Because like if I was in public and somebody was like trying to mug me, I'd be like, no. Like, you could beat me up. Ideally, someone will probably jump in. They don't know what to say. They don't know what to say. They don't know. A checkmates them. Yeah, they don't have anywhere to go from there. What if I was like, I am also gypsy. Let us find another target. We will all work together.

I'm like, Borat. That is the only accent I know for the other. If they're unarmed, if they're completely unarmed, like if somebody, we're Americans, if somebody pulls out a gun, I'm like, all right, take all my shit or whatever, and then I'll shoot you when your back has turned to me. I live in Texas. But if I was in Europe and somebody pulled out a knife, I'd be like, fuck, like, here's my shit. But if they were just like, give me your things, like on what grounds? Like, well, if you don't, it will be bad time. I'm going to kick the shit out of that fucking European guy.

I'm six foot two. I'm not a jacked guy, but I'm a scrawny as fuck, but I'm fucking American. I grew up on process. You got your drive shirt on. I got my drive jacket. Dude, I'll beat you to death with a fucking hammer. Like I can't from St. Louis. Didn't catch it first time. Yeah. Flick my cigarette on the

Americans are, are less susceptible to that. Because that does seem to be the European response to being accosted by gypsies is like, oh, bro, they don't got me. I wonder if that's true. I wonder if that actually is true that Americans are willing to stand up to people mugging them more so. I have seen videos of this, Bruce. Yeah, I think so. I believe you. Yeah, no, but I mean like just statistics. You know what I'm basing it on though? I watch those First Amendment auditors. Americans are ready to fight because someone recorded them at the post office.

That is true. I know that for a fact. It's just a guy outside the post office like recording everyone coming and going. He's like, you fucking taking my picture? you fucking take me my picture like some Tony Soprano motherfuckers stumbled into the post office and he's not going to have it today those guys get attacked all the time just by some whoop in New Jersey

anybody sometimes it's old people women men like like all sorts of people will just physically attack them because they're out there recording and you know they're clearly being antagonistic and trying to get that content out of them but there's one guy he doesn't even talk like he never says a word and they just get mad or

and matter to the wall of silence until they attack him. And of course, he's got his sauce with him, as he calls it. Puckin pepper sprays the shit out of it. No, we need to get our, we need to find a way to fight and get our European brothers some guns. That sucks. It was a long time ago.

I remember the first NRA commercial I ever saw that made me sign up for the NRA, and it was in some European country, maybe even Australia, where they had outlawed guns, and they just had a pile of, of over and under sporting shotguns, nice, beautiful, like pieces of work, and they're chop sawing them in half, one after another, and throwing them in this big pile.

And there's some cowboy talking over. He's like, is this what you want to see in your neck of the woods? Not me, brother. That's why I, and then they cut to him riding his horse. That's why I ride with the NRA. When the NRA is riding shotgun, you're right, you're covered, brother. sign up today lifetime membership only 149 99 I'm just like you've been Kyle you mentioned this years ago but you were like dude the NRA are kind of

pussies they are hardcore guys are the American the gun owners of America the gun owners of America I found them on Twitter and like while the NRA is like it's not in time we're okay with the bump stocks being removed but it's not okay to go further than that and then the gun owners of America are like, everyone should have an M1 Abrams tank if they so choose. Yeah.

They cannot limit your ability to own a firearm or a vehicle containing a firearm. Yeah, the NRA is like boomer shit where they're like, everybody's got a right to a hunting rifle. Five rounds, I'm not saying more than five rounds, but five

rounds is reasonable. And G.O.A. Gunners of America, is like no like the constitution says right to fucking bear arms whatever the fuck you want all the fun stuff i saw i saw pictures from a gun range in california recently that said no more than one round per chamber no rapid firing on a sign where it was like you can't you can't put more like if you're shooting a nine magazine that doesn't make sense oh that doesn't make any sense at all. I've been to numerous ranges in California where people would bring out like K's and MP5s. Oh, sure. Most of them are not like that.

Yeah, that's insane. That's great. Because you're in California, right? Yeah, yeah. So and like, but I've been like through central California and like Southern California, like pretty much all of it. And kind of been to gun ranges in most of those places. And they usually are pretty just open. You can just sort of running a gun range must be so fucking stressful. Because I've seen those videos on the internet of people like. Yeah. For one thing, the one I used to go to, you would be standing in your booth and the targets are downrange and you'd look up

and you'd see so many bullet holes in the fucking ceiling and in like the side of the booth and like all these negligent discharges of people who had shot holes in stuff that's like up here the targets are over here and there's holes up there

and it's like how does this happen so regularly that they stopped patching it's a common occurrence for these people And then I can't spare the spackle. It's steel. They're shooting through steel out there. And then I've seen plenty of people when they're shooting some pistols.

They go boom. And the recoil brings up. And somehow they're holding the, I think they're squeezing the trigger down low. But for what, but the inertia forced it forward. And so they just fire it. They go,

boom. Oh shit. And the second one's in the fucking ceiling. And it's always some little lady who couldn't handle the recoil. And she's blasting a hole in the roof. It must be a nightmare. And then I see people. people like, I saw that guy who like shot himself in the hand. He's like checking if the

guns working and shoots himself through the hand, like all sorts of wild stuff. Sick. A.K. Is that chambered? Wait, what is A.K.? Is that a Wasterton? 7-6-2 or some shit? By 39. 7-6-2 by 39. It's a Yugoslavian. It's got the grenade site. I saw that. Like, you're used to committing war crimes. I was going to say, you've got to get the underbarrel then, it sounds like. that's awesome that's a pretty a kay

thank you sir Taylor bought his first AR 15 about a month ago I was I was not trying to lure him to the AK but I did suggest it I showed him what some of the modern AKs look like with the quadrails and such then I looked it up and now they look cool

and now I want an AK also what did you what did you get because I got a Smith and Weston Sport 3 556 just a boiler plate AR 15 I like it so far I put a little hollow sun

sight on it haven't shot at long range yet I've only done like 20 25 yards at the range at the most why haven't had a 100 because I only am going to I've only been to the range so far

I haven't had a chance to go out to like the country and shoot it longer range Oh, indoor. Okay. Indoor. Yeah, yeah. Indoor. I was like, what? I reiterate my question. Why aren't she starting at 100? Yeah. I would gladly start further, except I haven't had the opportunity. I'll go to my grandparents' place in the next few weeks, and I'll bring it there, and then I can plank much further distances. Where are you?

St. Louis, Missouri. Oh, okay. All right. So you got a little room out there? Yeah. Yeah. I don't have a ton of room here. I'm in the suburbs of St. Louis. but my grandparents live way south in the southeast area of Missouri, and so they've got a little bit of land. And we can plink there. I even bought a steel. I just don't need that yet.

It's not about, it's, it's the ear protection. Like it's not just to be cool or whatever. Like you can shoot it without, I think you can shoot it without ear pro. Someone probably recommends you'd still put ear pro on, but Jesus Christ, your ears will be all right. 2, 2, 3. until I get above a 223 I feel like I don't need ear pro oh no you're wrong so oh about at 22 you need ear pro it's causing hearing oh I've never shot I haven't even 22 with ear pro on it was the same thing

running a lawn running a lawnmower it's like yeah it feels fine but it's damaging to your ear damage yeah it's not good for you a suppressor will bring a 556 air 15 down to about what a 22 is is. So it's still got some pop and crack to it. But now it's, it's not scary to anybody around you. It's not like making people flinch and scaring neighbors and stuff like that. And you don't have to pay the tax stamp anymore. There's no $200 fee just for wanting one. You just apply for it. Oh, okay. And a few months go by. I don't know what the wait times are. They vary. I've heard in, you know, 90 days, and I've heard nine months before in like really hard, bad times when maybe the, like, Obama was in charge and the ATF was dragging their feet on approval letters and stuff like that. But I would highly recommend a suppressor. They're very cool. And because they eliminated the tax stamp fee, that $200, it might just be five now or it might be nothing. I don't know which. Now that opens up to some of the cheapest, cheapest suppressors. So have you ever heard of an oil can or an oil filter suppressor? I've seen those online, yeah.

So the inside of an oil filter is not too much unlike the inside of a made suppressor. You have all these layers of metal sheeting with holes in them that when gas and pressure and sound comes in are sort of delineated slowly through each layer of that, because it's layers and layers of oil filter film with holes drilled through it. suppressors have baffles that are kind of doing a similar thing. So the registered piece is the part that screws onto your gun. So you weld that to the oil filter, and now you have a suppressor that you can screw onto a gun and shoot through. It looks goofy.

You have an oil, you have an oil filter screwed onto the end of your gun. I don't care what it looks like. It's really, for 22s, it really does make them quiet. Like, they get quite quiet.

I feel like I've seen video games actually do exactly what you do. describe. Like there's got to be like one or two that I played. Daisy might even. Yeah, there's a few that do. Yeah. I've seen like Amazon reviews for oil filters and they're like this oil filter screwed so easily on to my 223 Toyota AR. They're they're just scurbing the line of you know, what's what's legally allowed to be said. Yeah.

That's pretty sick. Yeah, I've been enjoying. And the FRT triggers are amazing. Yeah, that's from some game. Yeah, what is that from? The bottom looks like it's from fucking COAA. Oh, call it do you. Call it do.

Yeah, it looks like a content. See if you can find a picture of a real one. I know you can. That I'll do it. Yeah. He has that Google Oil Filter Suppressor and get added to a list. No, they sell them. They sell them.

They sell them. You can buy them legally like that. Well, there you go. There's no chance that that is Whiting down a 45, fucking 1911. Significantly it is. Yeah. It looks like a narrow little magazine there.

Yeah, it might be 35. But I like the AR I bought so far. But what I like even more is I've been horrible with handguns my whole life. But I finally feel like decent and comfortable with this. Smith and Wesson shield X, like the small 9mm. It's nice and narrow and so fat people can carry it. Did he get a mom gun, trout? He got a mom gun, Glock 17.

Suck my cock. Is that a 9 as well? I do like the 17 more than the 19. Yeah, that's a 9mm. Yeah. No, that's too fat. You're skinny. You can fucking carry anything.

Us larger folks, we, we, I can't have that on my hip. It's going to bulge. I need a nice narrow gun. And that's where the pepper box. A pepper box? What is, yeah. I've never seen that before. It's a ball and powder, six chamber, no barrel.

Six chambers. I think I can legally own one of those. Yeah, Kyle literally could. Yeah. Keeping that on you. Can you imagine stopping a crime with that? That's hilarious. I opened up all him with my pepper box

I pep at none I peoped him in the post office and everybody in the back room and my car outside called a little shrapnel as well I also learned how to do a good deal of drive while work oh you were talking about lever actions too oh yeah we're going to get a fucking

22 as Woody was recommended Henry yeah don't get a fucking 22 lever action get a 22 the 1022, like a Ruger 1022. There's so much fucking fun. That's where I'm leaning now

because it seems like there's a consens on the 1022. It's really, really fun. It's really fun to fire. What do you got there? 30-30 or something? Is it 30-30? 30-30. It's a Remington 18-Buck.

18-something. Doesn't matter. But, yeah, 30-30, it's so much fucking fun. I could shoot the Nutsack off of a fucking rat at 100 yards with this fucking thing. Just don't get a 22 lever action. Get a 22 like

yeah, like the Remington 1022. Integrally suppressed, if you can, that fucking rifle is so fucking cool. You've been reading our WhatsApp. That's what this is. No, Kyle's right. And I am leaning now,

actually not even leaning. I'm going to buy one of the 1022 takedown models where it has the, you know, customize ability easy to shoot, fun to plink with. And then when I do buy a lever, I saw a bunch of videos online from Hickok 45,

where he makes Hickok 45. That was a perfect impression. And he makes the lever action 357s look fun, where you throw some 38s in there and then you plink for a little cheaper. Will it shoot 38s? Yeah, it will. I know it'll chamber them, but cycle.

them might be interesting because they're shorter. Pistol caliber 38s? Yeah, the little, yeah, like lever action carbines are neat. I've never shot a 357, although the ballistics of 357 are really good. I think it goes like 1,400 feet per second or something like that. So you could plink a little further without aiming up so much. But I shot a 44 Magnum suppressed lever action once, and that thing was nifty. It went thunk.

It was like so quiet when you'd shoot, and then it would hit the steel and it's like, What the fuck? This is so cool. Very quiet, really pleasant to shoot. You got to load your own ammo, though. 44 is expensive to shoot. Yeah, like download it, like low powder. I say, I know nothing about ballistics, but...

Yeah, yeah, you can... One of the beauties of lever action, unlike Simiato, is you can load it down to these subsonic levels without changing anything about your gun, about the gas system or the buffer tube or anything like that. Because it doesn't have to cycle itself with... It doesn't need X amount of gases to cycle. You're doing all the work with the lever. Same thing with pump action rifles, any of that stuff where you're doing the work. They're also quiet because there's no action coming back, releasing gases and sound out the back.

Dude, fucking, what is it, 800 blackout or 300 blackout? Yeah, 300 blackout is one of the spookiest, quietest fucking rounds. like the I don't know the power load again I don't know any of the fucking science behind it but it is it is just so scary quiet for how terrifyingly huge that fucking round is or 8-6 300-386 and then the the round is split like in three ways and it opens like a fucking banana peel and it curls back on itself like you you can drop a rhino I've literally seen like a the aftermath of like large game animals. Not with three and a blackout. With eight six. Probably something different. Eight six.

Eight six. Oh, eight point six. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. That's a different thing. I think it's made by Q Industries. 8.6 millimeter rifle.

Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah. I didn't know these existed until the boom box. Yeah. I've met the owner of that company. A super cool guy, Kevin Brittingham. And yeah, it opens up like a fucking banana peel.

And he uses it to hunt large game in like South Africa. So this would be good for home defense. Yes. No, dude. On ironically, yes, because it stops. It like it splatters out. So you only kill the guy. Like that the AK that I was just holding up would be dangerous because that round

is going to let the neighbors kids know what's up. Yeah, yeah. But 8.6 will blow up and hit the drywall and be done. I'm seeing mostly subsonic really heavy bullets

coming out of this thing, it looks like. So that all makes sense. Like 288 grain gorilla fracturing subsonic traveling at 1,000 feet per second. And they are spooky fucking quiet. I know like my

gun-minded friends are going to watch this episode and be like, Trout, you're fucking retarded. But me telling you my retarded know-nothing information, they are like they're subsonic. So they're spooky fucking quiet. They open up like banana peels and they do scary damage. Never let a lack of knowledge stop you from saying anything. No, that's like confident. I hear them talk often about that. We don't know anything.

300 blackout is very cool and going to be a lot cheaper to operate than that thing. It's an AR caliber that's subsonic 30 caliber. It's like what the Honey Badger is, if you know what that is. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, you showed me that rifle the other week. That looks pretty slick. I like the look of that one.

Yeah. I would just get a standard AR-15, 300 blackout or something, though, if you wanted to be. Like, it's really good for like nighttime hunting. if you're hunting fox foxes or coyotes or especially pigs because it's got a lot of wallop to 100 yards not much after that well i'm an impractical idiot and so i'm going to obviously buy the 1022 as my next one just to have because i have a ton of fucking 22 ammo i can blow through and after that i want a wheel gun i want a revolver yeah sick-ass revolver you sent me the ruger sp 101 something like that like at $357.

Yeah. I think for what you want to spend or Ruger's going to be the move. That seems good. Yeah. The problem with the Smith and Wessons is they're like $1,500.

Mm-hmm. And I can get a similar gun from Ruger for $7,800. Yeah. And I don't want to spend $1,500 if I can get the same thing. Because it's like, it's not like this would ever be a practical gun.

It would just be like a, this is really fun. You got to hear with it. with a 357 44 Magnum I get a 44 Magnum Oh no I'm not gonna get a 44 Magnum

It's not that big of a deal They're more expensive than 357 Well yeah Yeah the ammo is gonna be even more But then you get to do the dirty hairy speech In the mirror when nobody's around Yes Yeah but I haven't seen that movie

So I don't know what you're asking You've not seen dirty hair Rounds or six I'll tell you the truth And all that trouble back there I got a little mixed up myself But being this this is the 44 Magnum The most powerful handgun

on earth and it'll blow your head clean off. You got to ask yourself one question. Do I feel lucky? Well, do you punk? And the guy's like, nah. He was about to reach for a shotgun. He's like, yeah. All right, that's pretty sick.

Maybe I should buy the 44. Taylor, you got to watch Dirty Harry. You got to watch Dirty Hair. Dirty Hair is a classic. You'll like it because it's one of those movies where he's like old school and they're trying to put women and minorities into the police force regardless of the performance level. Yuck, yuck, yuck!

And he's not standing for it. That's part of what makes him dirty Harry. When I see a suspect chasing a woman in an alley, and he's ripped her clothes off and he's erect, I don't ask questions, I just kill a son of a bitch. God, Jim, Harry! It's cool. It's where all the tropes came from.

It's where all the cop tropes came from. That in Magnum Force, you've ever seen Magnum Force? Magnum Force is also pretty fun. I bet Kyle's seen it. Of course. Oh, Magnum from so good. So good. He made like four of those Dirty Harry movies.

He kept making them. I like them. I don't care. That's when my dad bought all those 44 Magnums. He's got a bunch of 44 Magnums. He was super into it himself back in the day. I think my grandpa was into it because when he was a trucker in the 70s, he had a 44 Magnum Revolver.

That was like his carry gun while trucking. Dirty Harry probably sold millions of that gun. I mean, most likely people were like. Yeah. And it's not the most powerful handgun on earth anymore. but at the time I reckon it was and everybody was like that's the most powerful one how do I get one how much yeah yeah it was that then then the deagle kind of overtake it no is it well the desert eagle comes in 44 magnum and then 50 action express I don't know how much I had that gun exactly but I didn't think

the 50 action express was like miles more power from the 44 magnum it's the 500 Smith and weston magnum that's the big dog that's that giant revolver oh yeah to shoot I shot one of those and I, the fucking, we were recreating the, remember that the guy whose kid got molested, Gary. Gary. Why, Gary? Why, Gary? Why? And yeah, it was the phone booth and he reaches under his arm and fucking blows the guy's head off.

And so we recreated it with the 38 special that he was shooting with. And then we did it with the 500. And I got bit hard. by the fucking hammer shooting that 500 one-handed like the the hammer of the pistol came up and just slammed into my forearm cut me open

oh it I blew that fucking ballistic head clean up that's one of the and then the whole jury's like let him give him a key to the city I didn't think they went to the trial I think they didn't think they gave him some light thing

He got community service. He got like 500 hours of community service or something. Yeah. Yeah. Bruce, you know this story. He had to kill more pedophiles. I think I know what you're talking.

Yeah, because when Trout was talking about the recreation, I was like, I think I've seen this video. Yeah. The guy who's pretending to be at the phone. And then his child's molester walks by and he goes, but da-dha!

Yeah. Great shot. Such a great shot. I wonder if he practiced that or if he's just all instinct there in that moment. Because like those do or die situations, whether it's sports, making a game-winning shot, or it's that.

like making a game ending shot like that. You can't miss. Can't miss? What if he hit the cop? Can you imagine he like winged the cop? Right. And he was, he misses them both and hits like somebody way in the background or something like fucking

cryptism. Like what if it goes, they're at the airport. It goes through the window, takes down a 747 that careens into a goddamn neighbor. Yeah, hit the Twin Towers. A real final destination. That's how 9-11 happened, children. Yeah, the pilot got shot, careened into the twin Yeah, when in the pilot's left ear came out, the co-pilots right ear.

It was one in a million. One in a million. But he reached, like he was reaching out with his arm. I think it was to make sure that hit, right? From his, from the head and the guy. Oh, I don't remember. I remember there being some distance, but maybe not. I thought he reached.

He was at the phone booth and he had to like turn and curl it under. And like, I thought the cop was between them. But I haven't seen it in a while. There was a cop on either side. The cop before, a cop after, and then the reporter was behind

the pedophile, and he's at the phone booth in the foreground, and he reaches under his right or his left forearm and pops him, just blows his brains out. Like he'd miss remember. Nailed that.

Here's the video. I thought he reached. Here's the video. It wasn't exactly like I remembered, but still, like, I do love the... Why, Gary? Twizzlers,

the fun going. Yeah, I know. I just stopped whatever you were listening to to tell you that Twizzlers keep the fun going. Well, irony isn't my forte, but twisty, chewy, yummy Twizzlers sure is. So think of Twizzlers as a little pallet cleanser for whatever's queued up, which by the way should be coming very soon. Like any second now. Okay, Twizzlers, time to keep the fun going. Let's mute that so I can hear everyone. Crazy risky shot. Oh, never mind. That was actually really impressive. That was well he was bar buddies

with the police allegedly I don't know well he's dead so it doesn't matter he was bar buddies with the cops who were escorting him when he landed so he took

Gary Blashe's son he took him to California dyed his hair and all his shit they were back in Louisiana they were taking him off the plane and Gary Plachey

was bar buddies with the police officers and the reporters and they were like, hey man, just letting you know he's going to be getting off his flight at this time

at the airport. So he showed up fully knowing like exactly where he would be and what to do. So obviously he's hot. Like his son had been molested by this man.

Yeah. So he shows up at the fucking airport and he's like, I'm going to I'm going to kill this fucking guy. Sits at the phone booth pretending they walk by. That's why they were like, oh, why, Gary? Why?

Because I met with, um, yeah, because they knew who it was immediately. They weren't like, who are you? Yeah, they were like, yeah,

instead of, instead of like, oh my God, this man has just shot somebody, they were like, Gary, dude. Yeah,

right. I think his name's Jeff. Jeff Plushay. Well, he was right to do it. And I hope they gave McKee to, Oh, for sure. He never.

I mean, what else? How can you judge a man for that? Didn't you show me a video years ago, Kyle, of some dude who showed up at like a trailer of a child molester who had victimized this guy's child? And then he like beat him to death and shot him in the side yard. Did he beat him to death or did he? No, I see you one where like, you're to death. There's a video that we liked where I think the neighbor had been talking to the kids too much and he'd been warned not to talk to the kids.

And I think he was a sex offender. And the dad has him in full amount sitting on the bad guy in the bad guy's yard. And he's beating the shit out of him while he talks to him. I think he's slapping him at one point. Just these huge powerful open hand slaps. Like, I could kill you right now. If I wanted to, I could take your life right now. I'll take your life.

actually I might take you life right and it's like fuck and they're just recording this shit as it goes on you would think you'd learn your lesson after that I feel like if my neighbor beat me senseless and told me not to like get his car wet when I washed mine I'd I'd go to the car wash from then on it would be a problem whatever it was yep you always like that I always say nobody likes Nobody likes pedophiles, except for certain political parties, I guess. Nobody likes them. I think most people give them two thumbs down. I would agree.

Most people do not like pedophiles, although you brought it up. There's too much talk of pedophiles being roaming free currently. There's too much, but, you know, we can't, you know, we can't get them all. We can't go against our greatest ally. They're not Pokemon. wrong. Okay, we can't get them all, huh? We can't? No, I mean, some of them, we just let slide because, oh, why? I haven't figured that one out yet. I don't know. I don't know why all of Epstein's assistants, for example, like go free. And they're all like pretty women, I noticed. Every one of

his assistants is like at least a seven. They're all smiling in these like vogue-like photos. And it's like, why aren't we getting them all? Dude, that's some of the most sinister shit is like these pedophile rings often use women to coax younger girls and a lot of these women that were coaxing younger girls are now out there giving interviews like I was also victimized

and it's like I'm pretty sure you were really sure you were coaxing younger girls into these rings that's that's what it seems like but no they get you know glowing media appearances and whatnot just

gross top to bottom There's no way to move. Nothing you do about it. Nothing you do about it. There's nothing we can do about it other than pay taxes and make sure that we fund all of it. Well, I just came back from the restroom and I disagree with everything that's been said. I think we should fund it directly. Wrong time to disagree, I think.

Was it pedophilia? It was. Yeah, we talked about pedophiles. It was international pedophile. It's okay. I've been got by that too, where I come back to the bathroom and Kyle and Woody you agree, right? Into saying something that I, I shouldn't.

And then they laugh at me. You agree, right? This hitly guy, a bad rap, eh? I mean, a little remunters, I suppose, but mass murder, please. That's the best Norm Macdonald, or one of the best, Norm MacDonald's bits where he's like, in Germany, you know, they started another war. And it was against the world. And they almost won.

Like, holy fuck. War against Mars. Yeah, RIP Norm. Dude, Norm is the best. The way he handled his cancer is something no other modern celebrity would do. Like he had cancer for 10 years, kept it a secret from everyone, never sought any attention, never sought any funding, never did any nonsense. and then just died. You know, do you take donations for your treatment and then gamble it?

He was a big gambler. Yeah, I know that about Norm. No. You know who also? Oh, go ahead, Bruce. I was going to say, you know who also did that. It's Chadwick Bozeman. Nobody knew Chadwick Bowman had cancer.

It's true. He was visiting kids who had the cancer he had. Yeah. And he was an actor? He was right. He was black pants. there. Oh, okay. Yeah. And then he just passed away.

Well, good for him. Then shout out to him too, for doing it right. He was never like he basically had like, there was one random picture of him with like, he lost a bunch of weight. And everyone was like, what happened? And then he died. Yeah. I remember that. Yeah. What did he have? Sequel. What kind?

What did he have? Was it stomach cancer? I'd have to look that up. I don't know if I'll panhand. But poor guy. That blows. You see a healthy person in the prime. of their life, killing it, and then they... Just a real nightmare to have... Imagine getting cancer in like 32 or some shit. Like, that's insane.

Colorectal cancer. There you go. There you go. That's what a lot of people... That's apparently a little bit of an epidemic right now. I've seen that. Yeah, young people are getting it. Who's feeding this to us? Like, why...

I don't know. Are we all getting it on our social media and everywhere we read warnings about colorectal cancer? That's a new thing. I feel like the awareness at the very least. I know the cancer's not new, but like, it's like constantly in my feed the last like year. It is, yeah. You need to stop looking up butt so much, man.

I was going to say, I think that's a, that's a you problem. There's any colorectal cancer fetishist out there. I think I'm getting a lot of medical stuff fed to me. Maybe you worried about it. Maybe they're trying to get us to do like a cholinic or something? No, I didn't recently turn 40? No, he didn't recently turn 40. That's now. two days from now, by the way.

That's 27 hours away. Hey, happy birthday, I'll. Well, thank you. Happy early B day, my friend. That's a big one. That's a real big. You got to go to get your prostate checked out. I've been talking about that, yes.

No, I cleared it. Oh, you did. You can give me the whole, okay. I guess it'll depend. We'll see how Woody's trip goes. You know what I mean? Wait, and what you're in your house for the... Oh, my bet.

So we talked about it before you joined. Woody is away this week because he is getting a colonoscopy today because he's been pooping blood for a while. What? I hope he's okay. Yeah, we all do. Prayers for Woolsey. You know what? Woody actually texted me a while ago.

He said if you really like care about him and want to cheer him up, link down below to that WPT site, go sign up for him. He said that cheer him right up. He said that would, even should the worst occur and he be diagnosed. He thinks that would give him the strength required to fight cancer to take it one on one. I am also remembering that text now where he said, support that new sponsor down below.

And it would make his... Taylor's lying. It was a P.m. Buy their merch. I preemptively bought the merch. Oh, you counter signal me in the... I was like, Woody might have ass cancer. I bought the merch. Buy a size larger, it shrinks in the dryer. Because it's 100% cotton. Cotton, yeah.

None of that horse shit. None of that point. This man has been wearing synthetic fibers so long. He doesn't even know what it's like to wear a luxury brand. We wear merged fibers because we disobey. Do you ever put your underwear on and it's tighter than you would like? And you're like, I've got to get used together. Yes.

I just imagine my cock has gotten larger. No, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, more of a waist issue. It's like, oh, man, this is really stretching out. It's baconing when I take it off. Oh, no. Oh, does the waistband ever give up on you and like just just flip over? Oh, brother.

As I live and breathe, it is happening right now. It's like, you had one job. Let me check. It's flipped. It's flipped. Yeah. Oh, no. You got to switch to spanks.

They go all the way. way up. That's what I should do. I should get... Thanks for men, yeah. That's a thing. I should get... Well, not for men, men, but, you know, for transitioning fellows.

For guys. For guys. It's a hell of a tuck job, box, and those, too. I just pop my diabetes socks on. Your compression socks and your garter belt. Which I don't understand. If you have diabetes, and they,

if there are socks for it, Yeah. It's like something's got to change, like that you should immediately be like, I can't eat as much. Well, that's a different type of diabetes. Some people have diabetes. Right. Yeah. There's type one and type that's brought on by like eating wrong. And there's other diabetes that you can't, you can't shake. I mean type two. Exactly. I feel like type two diabetes steals valor from type one. We're like, I know a very skinny, lean guy who has type one, which you're born with. And everybody I know with type 2 is like fat as hell. Like an abominable level of fat.

Like I saw my grandmother get diagnosed with type 2 and they were like, hey, this is bad. You got to stop because she always kept like regular Coca-Cola's in her fridge and she loved them. She immediately went to Diet Coke the rest of her life. Like the diabetes was cured like within like a few months or something like that. And she changed her eating habits and got healthy before the cancer took her. That's the thing. is like when they tell you like you're about to get type two diabetes oh what's the prognosis doc well you can't eat as much sugar as you want you're going to have to make sacrifices

stop eating cookies every night and then they stop if they do and they're like my my diabetes is cured like that's how easy it is yeah but also food food's the hardest addiction isn't that what patrice O'Neill had it didn't he like eat himself to death when he could have Patrice O'Neill ate himself to death because he ignored all the doctor orders and just had a stroke. He was flippant. He was flippant. Yeah. Yeah.

And that sucked because he was hilarious. I don't like him as much as you do. I especially didn't like him. And like as a person, like when I see him on the office and I can't remember what comedian like rubbed it in his face on a podcast or a radio show, they were like, you had that office deal. you were the guy. It was you. And you couldn't play by the rules. It was Chris.

And what they do? I can't think of the other guy's name, Craig or something. It's not Craig Robinson. It sounds something. Robinson. Yeah, Craig Robinson. Craig Robinson took that job. Look what he's doing now.

And sure enough, like still today, Craig Robinson is like springing off of that office gig and getting so many movie deals. He's hilarious. Yeah. Your guy was so mean. Not as funny as Patrice, but like Patrice needs. needed to play ball a little bit. And the biggest playing ball thing he could have done is to put the full sugar

Coca-Cola's down. And he wouldn't do it. I bet it was lucky charms or something weird like that. Like I bet he was just wild with it. I bet. He didn't look like he was making smart light to Susan. Like full sugar soda is the main thing that gets people in the beat us. Because it's just so pure.

People drink like, they drink like, you know, 10 of them a day. Yeah. So fucking bad for you. Like I'm unfortunately just like Do you say your grandmother? Unfortunately I'm your grandmother, Diet Coke. I love, I fucking love Diet Coke. I'm sure Diet Coke's going to give me cancer at some point.

But at least it's not filled with sugar. Yeah, I agree. I drink the zero risk. The zero sugar stuff now that they're blending the two artificial sweeteners taste close enough that I'll never go back to like maybe once every couple months I'll have a full sugar soda. But it's so rare. Like I don't buy them ever.

If I go full sugar soda, which I can't even remember the last time I have, I get like one of those IBC glass bottles. Cream sodas. Oh, like a root beer or, yeah. Or the root beer. The root beer is good too. I like the cream soda more. Like the cream soda. No, root beer or cream soda.

No, those aren't as good. The black cherries aren't quite as nice. I wasn't even going to mock your peasant root beer and then mentioned that you'd be drinking Virgil's like a man. but okay, you're going to shoot down my black cherry soda. Fine. Keep drinking your IBC swill. Oh, my God. As if IBC is swill compared to Virgil's.

IBC is more selective and rare than Virgil. Oh, really? How much Bavarian nutmeg is in IBC? Tell me. Tell me. I'll wait. Oh, none? Ah, thought so.

Wait, hold on. Does Virgilis said Bavarian nutmeg? What? I don't do that. Bavarian nutmeg. Virgels. Virgil's. Virgels is the...

Virgil's is a brand of soda. I've heard it. It is the highest tier of root beer and cream soda. Yes. They are good. It's just, and I wasn't even ripping on Virgil's. I was ripping on picking black cherry. It's stupid.

I love cherry. I like cherry everything. That looks like. Cherry pie, cherry cobbler. It looks like a craft beer. It's not beer. It's root beer. They're, they're delicious.

I understand it looks like the craft beer of beer or of root beer. It's very good. And guess what, Trout. It has. over twice as many calories as a bottle's twice as big, you fool? It comes in a half-liter glass cantilever bottle.

Taylor, I'm not concerned about caloric intake. I bought them in the six-packs. I haven't had the cantilever style. Then you haven't had Virgil's. Never experienced through Virgil's pleasure. No, you're so gay.

Even drinking the champagne of beers over there, calling it champagne. get out of here. I didn't know that root beer had Bavarian nutmeg in it or whatever, or nutmeg. Virgil stuff.

It's got to have some kind of nutmeg if it's called in there, right? Does root beer and contain nutmeg? I never drink root beer. I don't like literally. I haven't drank root beer in 30 years or whatever. What is it like a sasparilla?

Nutmeg. There's a bunch of other herbs and spices. It's like a KFC. It's a prohibition. Thank you for finishing men for me. I mean, it's a prohibition era like stand-in for real beers, which is weird because the problem wasn't the guys needed something to drink that was tasty. They wanted to get drunk. Right.

I like it. I'm also, if I'm getting common man diet, root beers or cream sodas, A&W has won me over. And barks has lost me. Barks has lost me. Barks has bite. The bark, the bark root beer, the diet barks root beer has lost me. It just, it doesn't taste right.

Barks has bite. That tagline alone made me a lifelong bark flubber. It's the only lower tier than Virgil's root beer I would ever even let pass my lips. That's the one that their logo is the barrel, correct? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, yeah.

When I was a little kid, root beer was my shit. It was fucking root beer and buffalo wing. and sick. Barks. Barks was where it was at. The one of the barrel. I'm 35.

That's pretty similar to my diet. I remember the silver can and it's a barks on her, right? Yeah. Still does. Not mug root beer with a fucking bulldog. Oh. No, no.

Mug, get the hell out of here. Not a mug fan. It tastes like it's almost medicinal. Not a fan of that. When something is called, like there's like ginger beer and root beer. beer. What is, does beer just like insinuate that there are herbs in it? Is that what that? What

does the word beer actually mean in this case? I don't know because I don't know why you call you like root beer like you said. Something made from fermented hops I think of as as fermented. That's what I thought. And with hops mixed in. Is there grain into in root beer? Like is there are fermented hops and root beer and ginger beer? Like Taylor was saying I thought it was like sasparilla and I know there's a birch beer that's made out of literally birch bark I think. I don't know what technically makes it a beer other than at the time they were trying to market toward X drinkers during Prohibition Times, I would say. Right. And it tastes nothing like regular beer.

How could that have replaced it? If you're a beer drinker and someone gives you a full sugar mug, that's disgusting to you. You're like, I'm not even fucked up. It was brewed. I guess they're saying that a beer is brewed. Oh. So. Well, then we're

brewing me on all of them. I don't know. I don't know. Or root beers. Like putting it in a still and. You've had a non-alcoholic beer? I have. Horrible.

They're terrible. Why would you even do that? Give me a diet. Coke. Because my water. Give me a room temperature of water that's been sitting from on your nightstand since last night. And there's a little fuzz on top.

So my wife is pregnant. My wife is pregnant. And she, she's been drinking. She misses beer. So she's been drinking non-alcoholic beer. So she's been drinking. alcoholic beers and I was like you know what give me give me a taste of one of those and I was like

blah and it was terrible and she what she would do was she would put I think it was like non-alcoholic corona or something and she'd put a lime in it like she'd make a mitchelotta and I was like all right that's that's fair I think that's fair being pregnant oh that's still rough though like if you if you're not looking well of course yeah if you're congratulations by the way but thank you that If you're looking like, I can't imagine. Do you want a lame baby? I can't imagine going for a beer because I just love the flavor so much. I need it.

It's like, dude, give me a Diet Coke. Give me a Sprite Zero. The King of Soda Sprite Zero. I would drink them. If I was like doing yard work, it's a Saturday afternoon and I'm going out, I'm mowing, I lived on, I had like an acre and a half and I would have to like manually mow it. it was a push mower. And so I would drink non-alcoholic beers because, like, I want a little refreshment.

I want the taste of a beer. But I also don't want to get fucked up by the time I'm done mowing my yard because it's going to take me fucking hours. And I would drink six real beers over the course of that, like, that amount of time. That's fair, I guess. But, like, wouldn't you have liked it even more if it was a nice Sprite Zero, a nice Lemon Palmer? Because Sprite Zero sucks ass.

And your opinion on the Yoda is garbage. I think Sprite Zero sucks. I think Sprite Zero sucks. I'm sorry. It really is bad. Here's the problem with Sprite Zero. Is it like number one, it's Sprite without sugar? Fine. Whatever. I don't give a shit. There's no caffeine in it either. So I don't even know why I'm drinking this other than just possibly the taste, maybe.

But I don't even really, that's not really my thing. So, I don't know. Sprite Zero rocks. Pepsi Zero. Diet Pepsi fan myself. I'm a diet Pepsi fan over the Pepsi Zero. They did something with Pepsi Zero where I don't like it as much. It's good. You guys remember Pepsi Max?

You guys ever drink course? Yes. I remember Pepsi Max. Way more caffeine. I remember stopping on the way to high school and picking up like a Pepsi Max and being like, I'm going to be energized all day. And you weren't. I don't know.

Who knows if there was more caffeine in it or not? I don't even know. there was more caffeine. Wasn't it just Pepsi Zero? But before they rebrand. But with more caffeine. And I don't know if they were still doing that blend of sweeteners for Pepsi Max.

I didn't like how it tasted, but I really do like these Pepsi Zeros that I've been, I don't know, the grocery store will have deals on them occasionally where it's like, buy, what is it? It's like, buy two,

get three free. And like I'll stock up. Yeah, it's like, it's like 12. Yeah, yeah. That's the only time I buy them.

because otherwise they're a dollar apiece for 12 ounce sodas and I refuse. Buy two, get three. You're living in the promised land because I've never seen. Proger does that, I think. It's either Kroger or Publix. They do it regularly. And you'll see them change. I watch them that like change that deal.

Like right now it's buy three, get three free. And it's like, fuck you. I'm not doing that. It's still a good deal. I mean, I'm not doing that. I only pull the trigger when it's five to get three. 20 ounce. Like the normal size like,

What you get at the gas station bottle? No, no, no, like 12 packs of 12 ounce sodas. Oh, 12 packs. Okay, you're saying 12 ounces. No, well, they are 12 ounces. Do you remember how fun it was? Picking up like a bottle of Diet Coke or Coke or Sprite or whatever, and then they still had the deal on the top where you could open it and be like,

free bottle. And then at the gas station, you could just grab another one, go up there, check out, show them the bottle. And they're like, bada bing, bada bada bode. Boom. That's when the country started going downhill when we lost that. That was 97. That was like 97 around then. I remember that. It was later than that because I was driving and that was still a thing. I'm sure they kept it going.

2006. We would, we drank another but Diet Pepsi in my house. There was milk and Diet Pepsi and water. So I grew up with a love for Diet Pepsi. I grew up in the exact same style of house. I've never had any kidney stones or anything like that. People will always be like, oh, you can't drink that much soda. Kidney stones never in my life. Have I had anything approaching that or any sort of like issue with like urinary tract infections?

I don't think like Pepsi causes that. It clearly doesn't because I drink a thousand gallons of it. I was going to say on average, how many pepsies do you think you had or diet Pepsi's you think you had in a day? Like today I drink eight, at least eight a day. Like for sure. At least eight a day. Like if I'm like, if I'm like, if I'm like,

running around the house and being extra busy and I'm more thirsty. Like I could do a 12 pack in a day. Like if it's a long day, especially in a day. I drink three during this show at least. Like I'm on my, I just finished my second one. Like I, I drink this almost,

this is almost exclusively what I drink is zero sugar soda. Like always for years. My whole life. Although, that's how it's not terrible. I've been making lemonade at home. It's delicious. Mixing up with little tea.

That's like an arm. So interesting. You bring that, I'm glad you brought that up because, again, I love soda. I'm trying to cut back. I've been, so here's what you do.

If you get any of the soda, die Pepsi, Diet Coke, any of that stuff, and people, you know, complaining you about kidney stones, drop a little lemon in it. Just put a little lemon in it. A little squeeze a lemon in any of that stuff should help that and also it tastes great. Oh, okay. It's a good little pro tip. Yeah.

You can do the same for iced tea. Like if people, if you drink a shit lot of iced tea, you'll get kidney stones or whatever. Really? Really? Yeah. Yeah. I think it's just a gallon of ice tea in the past like day. Well, that's, I mean, again, you know, just whatever.

Just drop a little lemon, you'd be fine. When I was in high school, though, I drank, I would drink like 15 cans of fucking full sugar Pepsi. And I was fine. You were in high school. You were in high school. Yeah. Yeah. Is my high school bladder better at dissolving kidney stones?

It is. Yes. Yes. Your kidneys are better at that. Now you've got a 32. or however old you are. 48. 48.

When I'm actually trying to be healthy or like getting shape or whatever, I cut the soda out and I drink almost only unsweetened tea that I sweetened with artificial sweeteners, but like either black tea or green tea. Like when I was working out, I would be at the gym with my big like half gallon of tea. It was great. So much better. I don't like water. I hate water.

I mean, it's just you don't drink water. because it's tasty, you just drink it because you need it. I don't, though. I don't need it. I just force myself. I forced myself to drink water because it's people say you need it. You ever accidentally swallow some in the shower? You're like, oh.

Oh, I went down. Oh. Filth. Sometimes I brush my teeth in the shower and something about the hot water coming out of that spigot like above you. Yeah. You're like, this isn't meant for drinking. And then you spit that.

Yeah, there's like calcium in it and shit. Yeah, it's not quite regular water. Bathroom sink water tastes different than kitchen sink water. Yeah, certainly different than refrigerator water in the door where you somehow, it's like, I haven't changed this filter in three years, but it's somehow protecting me. From the things Alex Jones says, I need to avoid. This is making me gay. one of my serial killer things that I do anywhere I go

doesn't matter where it is cities states whatever countries the first thing I do is drink as much tap water as possible and the reason is I usually judge I judge the city on the tap water so for example I just went to I was just at Vegas a few weeks ago and I was in a hotel and drank a huge glass of tap water because I was like let's see what let's see how Vegas is treating me this time it was terrible it was fucking terrible

and I was and then about a month ago I was in Finland and I was like well Finland's got to have some good tap water right and I drink it and it was fucking amazing it was maybe the best tap water I've ever had and I was like

it's sweet this water is sweet I don't know how it's possible but the tap water is sweet and I I looked it up and apparently Finland has either the best or some of the best tap water in the world so where do they get it is it from some like is it well It's got to be, yeah, I was going to say it's got to be from a glacier or some shit.

Like it's like just down the road. Just melting a glacier after a flame throws. They import it from Flint. I grew up on a well. So like our water was always really good, I thought. But then when I switched to city water, it was just. This shit sucks. I don't even want to cook with it.

Yeah, city water's terrible. City water's terrible. That's right. No, city water tastes like chemicals. I had the, I grew like grew up on the fucking the most. irony well of all time like it would stain the bathtub's fucking orange it's smet it reeked of fucking sulfur like you'd turn on the tap and it just reeked of fucking sulfur I don't know it was bad bad that's really really bad for you

were you drinking that shit you weren't drinking it I hope no not unless it was filtered we ran it through like a reverse osmosis system yeah but if like when you take a shower like the bathtub just like the porcelain would be dyed like fluorescent fucking orange like that color. Yeah. That's terrible. I know like when we would have like a big rainstorm like surface muddy water would wash down into the well. So like three times a year they would be like, oh, fuck.

The house water is red mud now because we're in Georgia. So we've got this red clay here. So all the, you'd fill the bath up and it's just it's, it looks like creek water. But like that was definitely a downside of the well. that's probably because it was at the bottom of the hill probably wasn't great foresight on my dad's part but yeah city water always tastes like chlorine to me

yeah it's treated it's like heavily treated and even Los Angeles tap water is not terrible but it's still very chemically and it's like it's not something that again like something that I will drink if I need to

but generally I try to filter the water and and drink that I just don't drink water I really don't like ever I can't remember the last time I poured a glass of water and drank it I have serious yeah absolutely no you should you really should drink a lot of water you should definitely drink water

you should be drinking water yeah liquids it doesn't have me water I'm concerned for you because the same thing happened with my dad who got cancer years ago he's okay now he's in remission but for years my dad was the same way he was always like no I drink diapept or Diet Coke or over he's like to drink Diet Coke it has with water in it. And I was like, well, when's the last time you had water?

And he, and his doctor said the same thing. His doctor was like, do you drink water? And he was like, no, I drink Diet Coke. And his doctor was like, you have to drink water. So you should probably drink the water. I mean, no. I'm going to grind this out. First, first scare I have, you know, we'll snap things back to where they need to be.

I'm willing to make changes, but not before my body lets me know. my body knows what it knows. And it'll tell me if it needs to make some sort of change in the one's the procedure. What's your objection to water? It doesn't taste. It doesn't have flavor? No flavor. Yeah.

I like the carbonation, too. But I would never drink carbonated water. That's static water. And I'd rather go thirsty. I would have that white shit at the corner of my mouth, at the corner of my mouth, like, parched, blistered lips like fucking Frodo at the bottom of Mount Doom or whatever. before I drink static water. I hate that shit.

That's worse than water. They took water and they made it worse somehow, which I didn't think was possible. Maybe I'll, you know what? Maybe I'll do is maybe I'll send you like a water filter. Like one of those ones that's really easy.

You just pump it, you know? And then you just, and you can just drink water. Don't do that because Kyle is my canary in the coal mine for diet sodas. Like if he starts to have problems, with it than I know to cut back because I drink less diet soda than him. You couldn't government fund the study that I've been performing the last 40 years.

Kyle will go, we'll go weeks without drinking regular water. Weeks, years, years. I genuinely, unless you know, if you had the other day? This was probably five years ago, maybe six, where on the show you talked about you hadn't eaten a vegetable in a decade. and it was it blew my mind where I was like how is this guy's digestive system working no good what's the last time you went outside Kyle oh I'm yesterday what you talking about like like

I'm aware that there's food to be had I just don't I understand no no no no objection to water and vegetables so I just presume no longer no longer my vegetables now I yeah I've got oh good your entire 20s right lots of vegetables now I made a delicious now I made a delicious delicious beef stew yesterday. I had radishes in there and celery and onions and carrots. Sounds tasty. You're a good cook, but your entire 20s, to my point. Oh, yeah. You did not eat anything green or vegetables. I would occasionally eat a salad if there was a salad bar at the place we were at, but not a healthy salad, American salad, you know? Yeah. A lot of ranch. Bacon ranch. I like blue cheese. If I go to like a nice restaurant, I usually get the wedge salad,

just a blue cheese salad with nice tomatoes. Like, yeah. I don't like wedge salads. It's like, don't, you should do the work. Oh, no, I want that. You're a crab lover, and you can't appreciate that they present the thing to you, and then you get to, like, do your business? It's because I'm a crab as sewer.

Like, I can crack crab faster than they can, and so, like, just let me do it. Wow, if you ever need me to slice your lettuce up for you, just let me know. I don't want to have you be inconvenienced by the afternoon. When we're in the middle of our gay relationship in Ellie's house, I will. I'll order for us. I'll order for the, and he will have the grilled chicken with asparagus. I'm like, I'm like, I'm like mad because you're ordering me things to lose weight. I've got the Cajun ribo.

Oh, these Hollandees potatoes or something, but this steak, how do they do it? baby let me cut your salad I just don't think it's that big of a deal this whole water thing I think there's plenty of water in this this can of Pepsi and I just don't think there's anything that bad for me in it I just really don't I mean

I would I would agree with you in the sense that there's probably not fine print though now that I'd look for you there there's a lot of bullshit in there but what you're supposed to do is drink the water to offset that so like for example if you have like whatever eight Pepsi or eat di Pepsi's like you said

drink like two glasses of water. This is my coffee count? Just a no. Why not? Coffee is good for you. What's the coffee that makes water bad for me now and not explain that because I genuinely can't fathom it.

Like this is my lemonade cow? Well, I think your body has trouble, more trouble filtering coffee, Dipepsi lemonade. That's what my kidney's job is. That's like saying like you're,

oh, you know, we'd have a whole lot better time doing the only fucking thing that we're made to do if you didn't have so much Pepsi Kyle. It's like, fuck you, kidney. You get with the program or I'll have some Chinese kidney in there taking your job. I'll get

an H-1B visa for your ass. You'll be out of here. I'll get a scab kidney in a year that'll work for less and do more. Those Chinese kidneys are the hardest working kidneys on the open market right now. $85,000. You can get a 17-year-old girl's kidney popped right in.

In dubin debris. if you were 25, I would agree with you, but you're not. Yeah. He's 39. He's a sensitive young man. That's the catch. For 20 next week. And then he's 40.

Yeah. And he's going to die. There's a very specific time to. With my delicious beverage. Oh, I mean, yeah, if you want to die that way. What are you living in 70, 80? Do you really? I mean, I do, but, you know, whatever.

But you don't have to. fucking no i had enough of this like five years ago all right all right there you're ready to cash out i'm gonna respond baby like you know sometimes you start a play through in a video game especially in rpg and you just make the wrong i didn't want i want i should have been a stealth archer you know let's just do this i want to respond you can always become a stealth archer that's what

that seems to be the choke point of all of these games i've used on my soul jims on the I've used all my soul gems on my sword, Taylor. This is going to set me back so far? I have no mats. I have no materials. I'm going to base model bow, please. I'm going to run mods? I don't think so.

Kyle's really banking on reincarnation being at that. It doesn't seem like it is. It seems like you'd rot and be nothing. Well, your meat suit would, but like the thing that is you, that is beyond your physical body, which I know you believe into. I don't know what happens to that. What are you, but an amalgamation of your memories? I think that the memory, I think that there's a being. I think that we are potentially like this meat suit, this brain and this body, that we're like our consciousness might be being

broadcast to it. And when it finally fails, it can't pick up the broadcast anymore. Like maybe that's what, like death is like. Maybe we just wake up back where. we're being broadcast from as some four-dimensional entity or fifth-dimensional entity or something like that i don't think anything happens though i think that's more hopeful than i've ever even heard a religious person you just circle back to christianity yeah you just you just circle back to jesus there's no there's no rules and regulations and mixing fucking cotton and polyester and we eat all that's old just well that's the guy up there being ultra judgey and watching me while I masturbate like none of that that's the religion of of spirituality be

There's the religion and there's spirituality. I think you described spirituality. I don't know that it's even a spirit. Why would you believe that you would be I don't believe? I don't incorporate anything. I don't. So you think it's just going to be when you die,

it's like before you are born. The same way I experienced 1942 is the same way you'll experience post death, which I get that. Yeah, I just think that like that we're just smart animals. Like animals too smart for own good,

all these feelings and stuff. And just like my poor dog isn't going anywhere after he ages out. I'm not either. I wish I believed in more. I wish I was religious, and I believed and had that faith that like,

my reward is waiting on me upstairs, and I'll go on to the everlasting kingdom of heaven, and Jesus will take my hand. I wish I believed that. I really do, but it just seems very unlikely. Well, you came for, I remember you telling me your grandma had that weird magnet that was like, my savior is a Jewish carpenter. Like a very, a very, if anything, not actually Christian way to look at it. No, but he was a Jewish carpenter.

Yeah, that's what he was. He was. But like the dispensationalism, like that, that sort of new. fangled thing where evangelicals think that Israel, the country today is like a part of revelation.

Like that's not a real But what does that have to do with the other thing? Like he was he was a Jew, right? And he was a carpenter. And he was a carpenter, right? But wasn't she also like a member of the Church of God? Like one of those

kind of dispensationalists like she would have thought I don't remember a lot against Iran was good because it helps the modern state of Israel founded in 1948. She was more into like charity bake sales and like asking for forgiveness for our sins and looking for everlasting. Yeah, the normal stuff. She didn't mention Israel once. She seems like a good lady. She never like pumped up the massad or anything or like, you know what I mean?

It wasn't that. Church of God may believe that, but our church services were very joyful and pleasant. There was a lot of singing. There was a lot of standing and clapping and singing and very little dancing, but a little dancing. And there was half of the service was musical. And the other half was this bald preacher who we all liked telling Bible stories and making them relevant to our daily. issues. I talked to the other day. His wife said that they were running low on money and they couldn't do this and they couldn't pay that bill. And wouldn't you know it? They saw a hitchhiker and they pulled

over and that hitchhiker. He didn't have shoes to walk on. He didn't have food in his belly. And they took him in and they bought him a pair of shoes and they paid for his dinner that night. You know what happened the week after that? A windfall of money. They were blessed by the Lord. A windfall of money. Now she says she's got plenty of money. She's got her husband's got a promotion at work. And it's often that story of like when you feel like you're. Yeah, when you feel like you're down and out still being charitable, not closing off based on how well you're doing,

but just always being a good person. That was most of my religious upbringing. Obviously there was the stories, you know, but we never got into the stories that we joke about here about like people being stricken dead by bears for calling someone bald or we didn't really harp on Lott's wife being turned to salt and then him fucking both of his daughters

that wasn't part of my religious upbringing that was you and Reddit that was wasn't me and Reddit it was evangelicals growing up with that they were what's in the Bible they were they were they were hard and I were in the Old Testament

yeah I had the he said he came to fulfill the Old Testament that's right. Yes, those are the old rules, the old laws, and they should be considered null and void, just like the animal sacrifice that was performed before God gave his only begotten son to pay for all of our sins, all the sins of mankind, and suffer for us as he did. So there's no need to sacrifice goats anymore.

And so there's also, in my opinion, no need if you're going to be hyper-religious to worry about blending your fabrics or shellfish or any of that stuff. No, certainly not. And there's a, so which laws from the Old Testament still apply? And which don't. Christ came to fulfill them all. Trout knows more than me on all this. No, that's true.

What Kyle is described. I was a pastor's kid. I still am. My dad was a pastor for 30 years. And this is exactly what the, almost exactly. I've never heard anybody else describe the upbringing where I was like, I had a pretty positive religious upbringing.

Like I went to church. Everybody was happy. Like we didn't have like pedophiles in my, church? No. My dad was the pastor. If we did, there certainly wasn't any issues. I remember our church being almost like a way for the community to stick together.

And if somebody was having a hard time or if someone had a death in their family or if their house burnt down, like they would always be this pitch in and like have community behind them. Because we all go to the same church and do the same thing. You know, we would do like chicken. We had a giant like barbecue pit. We do like chicken plate meals. All the money always went to your stuff. Did you guys provide the chicken? No. We don't own the chickens. The chicken farmer doesn't own his chickens. He's a contractor. He raises someone else's chickens. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, technically speaking, they're not his chickens. He's contracting to grow them from peep to full grown bird. And then he's being paid on, you know, how much, how many pounds of meat he delivers based on a conversion rate of how much feed he used up doing that. Because the feed, he doesn't pay for his food.

feed either. They are feeding their chickens. Huh. Yeah. The more you know. That was that's, I grew up that way too. And it was so, it's always interesting to hear other people's side of like religion. Because usually they were forced to go and they hated what everybody forced them to do.

And they went to like, fire in. Fire and some churches, you know. I think church would be more popular with young people. I know it would have been more popular with me when I was young. If A, there was more fun. Like literally like,

If you just put us all, and remember there was like a fun day at school where we all wore field day. Field day. Field day. Church should have been field day. Everyone pops on those blue shirts and fucking Elbert County brings their kids and we compete in these silly little games and we throw water balloons. And at the end we learn something once we're all tuckered out and all of the like 10, 12 year old energy is burnt out of us. And we're happy to sit down and drink some literal Kool-A. and listen to like a sermon.

Like that would have gone over way better than waking me up at nine in the morning on a Sunday and be like, we got to go to church. And I'm like, please can I just stay home and sleep? Please can I just stay home and sleep? I don't want to go to church because that was how I felt always. I just wanted to sleep. And my dad didn't have to go. Your dad checked out?

He didn't have to go? Yeah, I think he gave up on the organized religion thing when his cancer-ridden brother was taken advantage of by an evangelical church. church. You know, they, they were, they were at the, they were at the, he was dying of, of cancer that had spread. And they were at the point where, like, science had failed. Like, there was no, the doctors were like, you're going to die. There's nothing more we can do, but make you sicker. And so they, they went to a couple faith healers, I think, somewhere in Tennessee where, like, they're in some, like, tent revival or something like that.

And the guy's, like, I, and they didn't describe, he's only told the story once. And I could tell he did not enjoy telling the story, but he was like, that preacher said something, like, who loves the Lord? Who's got $100 for the Lord? And everybody started to hold $100 bills. And he said, Lane, you felt like,

I mean, I should get $100 out too. I want, you know, I don't want to rub the Lord the wrong way in this moment where everybody seems to have $100 for the Lord. And it was just like this very predatory thing. So he didn't really go to church with us.

It was me, my mom, my sister, my grandma and grandpa, we would all go together. It was always fine. I never saw any of the bad sides of religion where there was no hate speech in my church, for example, like nothing like that. No, certainly not.

Talked about your uncle being taken advantage of just then, two seconds ago. That's not my church. That wasn't my church. They went off somewhere to travel to like, and I'm sure it was my uncle or my uncle's wife's idea that's like, this is it. You know, you're going, the doctors say you're going to die. maybe we i mean if if the doctors told me that i was definitely going to die you better believe i'd do that andy coffman thing where like i'm looking all over the world for that like shaman who's going to reach in and pull the cancer out of my body i'll faith healing whatever experimental chemicals like

you know if you're desperate you're desperate do you ever know that about indy coffin when he was dying and he was traveling around looking for Andy Kaufman the guy who wrestled women yeah well he's a comedian comedian, a cable man. He was one of the first, like, he had this running bit with Jerry Lawler, who was a professional wrestler, where they would, like, he would assault each other on, on TV for real.

He, uh, Jim Carrey made a movie about him called Man in the Moon. Man on the Moon or Man on the Moon. Something like that. And there's a scene where, like, he's gone to some third world country, and this guy is doing this fake, like, cancer removal thing that's common, where they,

they have, like, hidden chicken liver or fat, fat or something and they're being very vague with what their hands are doing and they act like they got fake blood and they act like they're reaching inside the person and like literally taking the cancer out and there's a scene where Jim Carrey's Kaufman like he sees that it's a it's a fakery but he has so he has a little bit of respect for another like showman and he sort of like chuckles to himself like that's that's about right yeah that's a good movie Jim Carrey's good. That's fucked up.

Yeah, we'd, my dad and my entire dad side of the family, they're all Catholics. And my dad was Catholic. But my mom, like, insisted we go to, like, not Catholic church, like evangelical kind of church. And I remember my dad just being so checked out during all of it because they'd come out there. Like, something I've learned from going to Catholic Mass. now is these guys, bada bing, bada boom,

like they're on a time frame where I always thought Catholic Mass took forever. No, it turns out it's like the evangelicals that take forever because you go to a Catholic mass and they bang it out.

It's a crisp hour. A crisp hour. It's scheduled. We know precisely what we're doing. They know exactly what they're doing. Chris Bauer, you go to an evangelical church. Sometimes that guy just starts walking back and forth, like he's fucking Chappelle. And another thing, like, he's just riffing for a while.

I remember a couple times, like I'd get to sit in an adult church, quote unquote, as a kid, and this guy would just riff. He would just go. It would be the same thing over and over, but he'd be riffing. And it would take an hour and a half, two hours. And meanwhile, all the dads in there are like, we're missing football. Yeah. Like, everyone's missing football.

Preacher's got to be a storyteller. You go to Catholic Mass and the guy's like making jokes about football. Like, we'll be out of here before you can, we won't make you miss it. The Bible is at its heart a bunch of stories that have meaning in our day-to-day lives. And so you've got to be a storyteller. You've got to be able to like spin a yarn. and deliver it. And at the end when you, oh, but lot was deceived.

You've got to be like, you've got to have some spellbound when you tell this story. Or otherwise, people drawn out and go to sleep. You also got to be loud. I look a guy who's up there like raising his voice and getting excited about the Lord. You better get red-faced for this shit. Getting red-faced, yeah, that can be good. But I also disliked that. Like in high school, because I went to a Christian high school, they would have,

like, what do they call? Like chapels or meetings on Wednesdays every week. Where like some horrible band would get up there made of students and play terrible music. And there would be literally that. Yeah. And there would be teachers and people up in front just wave in their hands, waving their hands, this and that. And the guy who waved his hands the highest and the last.

outist coach, the guy who was also the gym coach, obviously, he ended up being accused of molesting his own kid. Terrific. And he was his own child? His own child. Was it a man child? A masculine child. A man child.

A man child. He was the cockpute. And now his man child is a homosexual now. And did it to him? I don't know. Can't speak to it. but I do know that that's the same coach that watched me naked shower all the time. And he was,

and this is the same guy that I call a meat gazer. He was a meat gazer. He would come in there and poke around and be like, boys, you're getting clean? You'd come into the shower. The saddest part, Taylor's,

your experience is not unique. I've heard this from so many people, and it's a nightmare. It's an average fucking nightmare. And it's like, it's like one of those things where I'm like, no wonder nobody wants to like believe in God or go to church. It's like this is crazy shit that happens when just in their, in their childhood. And they don't know enough to rid them. They don't do enough to kick these people out, which they should.

It's just like the worst. It's the worst. Seems harsh, Taylor. Yeah. Well, you got to kick him out. You got to turn the other cheek. Dude, he used to, he used to lean on the wall. in the corridor where we would come out and take our towels off and dry off and he would watch

us dry off. I bet there was never. I didn't I didn't even understand how inappropriate that was until we had another coach come in. Coach. Coach Surgeoner shout out, cool guy. Because when he would come in, he was staring at the ceiling the whole time. He was like, boys, get your shit together. the fucking next class starts in five minutes

get it together and staring just eyes locked on the ceiling like that's that's how a normal adult behaves in that way but this this other petto was just hmm do you feel victimized

no I wasn't victimized I think I was too I think I was too big a boy for him I couldn't handle you hoff Maybe the smaller fellows would have different opinions, but no, I looked and was as big as I am now at, you know, 17. And so I don't think he wanted me. I don't think he wanted a full, a full, trust-haired man.

You're always surprised that we didn't shower after a gym in class. That's insane. You probably smelled like shit. We didn't, we didn't either. You guys smelled a showering in school. No showers. Of course, you showering. way I was showering in school. Like you could.

There were showers there. There's no fucking way I was going in there. Absolutely knowing. I'm not going to shower in second hour. And then I'm going to sit next to girls all day smelling like shit. No. I did late gym. So I only had one more period after that. And it was like, I just remember how great the air. I seat was right next to the air conditioner. And just like felt so wonderful to be sweaty from gym and sit in front of that thing. I don't think I stunk. You know, I'm wearing deodorant and stuff like that. I wasn't one of those acts body spray kids. Thank God. like that was the height

of Axe body spray I'm telling you it was hard to breathe in that locker room it was just the aerosols in there could have killed a fucking canary if they'd been in there we should have checked on the the oxygen levels no you have to shower after you

no it's sweaty and gross never once much like Kyle same deal I played the sports at the very end of the day so we would play like I did basketball tennis I think or soccer at one point but we always did it was always the last thing because I think they were like let's not shower.

Like unless there were the, we had a pretty good football team. So the football team would, they would train all day and do the whole deal. But like we wouldn't do that shit. We would play sports at the end of the day and go home. I don't think there was any regard to us being smelly or uncomfortable throughout the day. Because there were plenty.

Gym was early. Like there was an early gym, a mid gym, a late gym. It was just I scheduled it that way. I knew I wanted it as late in the day as I could get it. And I knew I wanted it my senior year so that I wouldn't be the tiny kid in there with big kids while we're doing physical competition stuff.

That's crazy not showering in before you go back to class. No, nobody did. And worse than that, you know what's worse than that? We had a pig barn. I had first period agriculture where we were expected to walk into a pig barn, a pig stye, and clip baby pig teeth with needle-nosed pliers out of their heads. And I would literally stand outside and go, Mars! Come on now, get in the pig house.

I'm not going in there. I can smell it. I can smell it from out here. I grew up on a chicken farm. I currently live on a chicken farm. I know that stink. And that is worse. And if you go in there,

you are going to have that stink on you all day. It doesn't wash out of them. You got to shower that off. You would have to wash your clothes to, like, get it off. It's thick. It's very humid and hot in there. And there's like lots of dust because it's a pig house. And they're shitting constantly liquid shit everywhere.

Everything is filth, shit, dust. dirt, muck, and mayhem. I'm not going in there. I told him to fail me. I didn't give a shit. We had a, in our gym class, we had Rory and Robbie, or in my gym class. We had a guy named Rory and a guy named Robbie. And I think they were both gay because they would be hard as a rock every time they came

into the shower and it kind of was a joke where it was like, Rory, what's happening, brother? because we didn't have segmented showers. It was just a big room. What year was it? This was probably 2007. The federal prison has segmented showers, Taylor. We didn't have segmented showers. It was like 2007, 2008, whatever.

And there was just a bunch of spigots coming out of the wall. And you'd turn one on and you'd have to find the good ones. Because some of them didn't put out too hard and you couldn't get good pressure. That's what your coach said too. Yeah. But yeah, Rory and Robbie. It was a black guy and a white guy. And they would both come into the shower every day after gym.

And they would be hard as fuck. I bring to have to me. What I'd call him. Just about to fuck. Like ready to fuck level of hard. Wow. Turgid. Turgit.

Full mass. Yeah. Yeah. Full mass. And it would just be a weird thing where it would be like, oh, damn, I got a shower next to fucking Rory today. And he's hard as hell. this is by the way taylor this is why i didn't fuck go in the showers because i was like

there's got to be one or two dudes i was like no i'm hard already i can't go in there we had fucking ryan we had the showers it was the same thing it was like a room off to the backside and it was just like nine shower heads but nobody fucking took a shower so the gym lockers were like they were cut out there were like four or five little cubbies essentially with like a bench around and we had these tiny lockers that were like that big we could put our clothes in

but there was one guy Ryan, I'm not going to say his last name because the internet but there was a bench in the middle and we get dressed and he would sit there with his fucking like like one of his legs up

just like putting his cock in your fucking face I was like bro like you have to turn your head while you're getting drunk It was the gayest shit ever. And you could just tell he was kind of like fishing.

Oh, like. That guy would have you doing. That guy would have got hit at my high school for doing that. Also, what you're describing is like what people do at like normal gym, like actual gyms you pay for. There's always like three 65 year old men that are all standing, staring at you, like daring you to look at their dick. Like it's like, it's so.

weird. It's such a weird thing. I'm always like, how come they're not hiding it? How come, like, if it's me, I'm at least attempting to like, you know, have some modesty. Yeah, not look at people, but there's just like always these three dudes that are all talking to each other. And then as soon as you walk in, they are looking straight

at you to see where you look. And I'm always like, man, oh man, this these locker rooms are intense. Fuck. They are like straight guy. You're like, I'm my dicks out, but like nobody wants to see another guy's dick. So like, I'll like, attempt to hide this, you know.

Yeah. I'll move from this point to that point. At least be courteous about it. Yeah. Right. Of course. And there was no level of courteousness with a couple of the guys in there. Well, certainly not from Rory and Robbie, which again, the internet, I won't say their last names.

I don't know if they're actually gay or if they were just happenstance, the only two guys who were hard as a rock around other naked boys at that time. Brian. Maybe, maybe, but pretty, pretty, after, it was like three or four years after I graduated high school that it came out that that coach who was watching us was accused of molesting his own kid and was also accused of some other impropriety. And I was like, in my head, I was like, oh, yeah, I really should have logged that as inappropriate when he would stand there and watch us dry off

and he would come in and like look at us showering and be like boys you know you gotta get you got to get to the next class and it's like you know other coaches did that and they didn't behave that way you know a meat me gazer

he was a me gazer yeah he watched this that sucks I'm sorry I'm sorry that that happened to you that sucks but that potential pedophile watched me dry off a hundred times. Did he touch you on penis inspection day? He didn't touch me on penis inspection day.

But it was only after coach surgeon or cool guy took over for him for a bit. And I was like, where's the coach like when I was showering? And the coach was in his office. Where's my shower, buddy? And if you came, and if he came out, it was eyes on the ceiling. Like, what the fuck are you boys up to?

you're going to miss glass. I'm going to get in trouble if you don't make it a fucking glass. Just getting mad at us that way, which is appropriate. I'm going to tell you this story. And I think you tell me if this sounds inappropriate. To me, I think this is an appropriate story. But I'm going to tell you. We used to, we would play soccer every Sunday, like a big group of us.

Just we knew each other through high school and college. And we kind of grew up together and we played soccer. And we got out there and run around. It was always really fun. This dude would occasionally, we're talking like maybe, twice, three times. In a group, co-ed group,

guys and girls, he would come, he would whip out his dick. And he would show us all. He would show us all, but hold on. He would show us all because it was 12 inches long. So it was like an inhuman size.

That wasn't hard, by the way. I've had this. You've seen this happen or you have a 12th? Oh, I've done it a billion. No, I've done it. Oh,

you've done it to a playground. You can be honest. It's me. it wasn't Kyle Some other 12 inch guy But he used to do this And I remember But it's legendary

Like it's like one of the things We still talk about Because we're always like Was that supposed to be Because I was always like shocked I wasn't even impressed really Just more like Taking a back

And I'm always like Is that what I was supposed to live up to? Was I supposed to? to be that person or not? I don't know. What's your question if that was inappropriate of him? Was that inappropriate in a group of like the same age people? Coed. How old?

We're talking 22. Yeah, I can't do that around like women. But I think it's funny to do around guys. There was a guy in my high school who who had like a giant one and he would pull it out and like had it hanging out of his pants. Instead of doing that thing where you're like try to get someone to look at this. Or like the wristwatch? He didn't do the wristwatch.

He didn't do the wristwatch. I think Taylor somebody was telling me about a guy who did the wristwatch to him the other day. Joe used to do the wristwatch where he didn't even have like a huge penis or anything. But he would stretch it out over his. It's about two a lot. He would stretch it out over his wrist. And he'd be like, he got the time. And then you'd look down and you'd be like, oh, Joe, you got me again, your son of a gun.

And that was about it. Our guy had a big one. And he flicked it over this kid's shoulder one day. Like the kid was sitting on the bench. that was it was Trout was sitting there on the bench putting his sneakers on and he was trained and he came up

behind him Dylan was his name and Dylan flicked it over his shoulder and let it like rest here so the guy like seasonally but it was dude I can't tell you how funny that was at like 13 14 years old it was the funniest thing I'd ever seen before Austin Powers came out

I mean that's that's just good-natured humor. Those are a bunch of boys having a good time. Oh, now you're gay, Tyler. He flicking on you. What Coach Bain was doing in those locker rooms. Not good-natured humor.

His name was Bain? Coach Bain? Coach Bain. Like Batman's bad guy, Bain? He's probably wondering why you'd fuck a boy before throwing him out of a plane. I don't know for watch them shower.

Have you ever seen the movie Sleep? With Kevin Bacon? Yes. No. All right. So they've seen it. That's good.

Here's what Sleepers is about. In 1996 movie where these kids, you come to find out. These kids pulled a prank and they were like messing with like a hot dog vendor or something like that. Long story short, the prank ended up with the vendor dying. And they get charged with the murder at like 12, 13 or something. And they get sit to like a boys juvenile facility where Kevin Bacon works as a guard. And Kevin Bacon has a group of guards who rape young boys and beat them up. And that is what their stay in prison is like as little boys.

You get all that fed to you and you're like, oh, this is horrible. Then they grow up. And they're all grown men played by as you probably know. And two of them, one of them becomes like district attorney or something like that, like a prosecutor. The other two, they become badass criminal, like gangster guys. And so they're at a bar one night having a few. and they look over at like where the tables are, Kevin Bacon sitting there.

And so they go over and talk some shit to him and then blow his balls out with pistols, like shoot his dick off and kill him right there. And so then they, no, wait, they wound him, don't they? I think they, it's hard to remember that part. They wounded him by shooting his penis. Usually if your penis is shot off.

I'm having a hard to remember if he died in that moment. It's been so long since I've seen it anyway. I thought the climax was that they killed him, but I could be wrong. I think they killed him. And so then they go to trial on this thing. And because their buddy, who was also part of this thing, is the prosecutor, they set it up so that, like, his character witnesses for the prosecution are also guards who raped these boys.

So they got these guys on the stand and they start making all that stuff come out and they get justice in there. It's a really good move. It's dark. That could have been you, though. They could have been. You were almost a sleeper. I was almost a sleep. Well, I wasn't almost a sleeper.

I matured too quickly for for coaches to Oh yeah Kevin Bacon would have tangled with you He would have tangled with me He would not No no no These boys are much more frail than

You know I uh To this day I have a friend He's the only close friend of mine And he denies The The pedophilia weirdness Of the coach

Where he's like Nah dude You're out of control And it's like He was fired for it At multiple jobs Like he's a fucking creep this guy and he's like i don't know man he was pretty nice to me and it's like and this friend of

mine was six four in seventh grade balded in seventh grade wow not a bad looking guy he just like not a hot kid you know he he he won the height lottery genetically he lost the hair lottery genetically and i always want to be like dude it's because you looked like you were fucking 31 like you were Of course he wasn't fixing his eyes on you. He was fixing his eyes on the- You think maybe he recorded you somehow too? Maybe I'd like to see my old bod. Yeah, I got a website.

You could troll through there, see if any of those guys are you. Damn, I bet I would, dude, 16, I bet I was fit as hell playing hockey around looking solid. Dude, I don't get that footage. Don't go on you. You got to get that right. Don't Google it. Please don't Google.

I just don't go it. Tom, what's he up to today this rapy coach? Well, he lost his job at a, he lost his job at a school for being creepy or some, you know, some bit of that. And then he got a job at our school. And now I don't think he's working at any school. And his son. Did he get a legal trouble with the son that he molested? I don't know if he got in legal trouble or anything, but his son said he was improprietious.

and now his son is out there saying that stuff. We should look him up in real life whenever we get off the show. Next guest. I don't want to be. 8.4. Hey, Coach Ben. This week we have Doug Polk and Taylor's high school pedophile coach. Doug, you know that you're all about risk and reward.

What do you think about this whole thing, being a pedophile coach in a high school? Risk being. I'd be like, what was my best attribute? Oh, my gosh. You glued that. They were so powerful. Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me.

I'd fuck me. All right, I got to get going. It's a bath time for my daughter. So I got to go. Fair enough. Thank you for chatting. Take care, man. Oh, of course.

Please tell Woody, I hope you feels better. I really hope that it's not serious. Goodness. Yeah, we do as well. All right. Nice meeting you trout, by the way. Yeah, good to meet you. Later on.

Good night, Bruce. Later, Bruce. Yeah, that would be absolutely hilarious to have my old creepy-ass coach as a guest. Eye on him a little on the internet, find out what he's into. Maybe he's got like a huge fantasy league sports guy. We were looking around. We saw your kind of a head honcho at like fantasy young boys pee-wee football. And we would, we're into it too.

We'd love to have you come on, talk about some of those up-and-coming prospects, some of those fifth graders that we're going to be having on the field next year. You want to come in? My favorite subject in the world. Man. You know what he used to make this new? 10 year olds in there. Sometimes when it was like a yoga day or like he was trying to force a yoga day,

which wasn't a real thing. No, it wasn't. He would have us like do poses for him. Yeah, we'd be like, on your back, hold your leg. And do that. And then he'd be like, boys, turn around. get up and you know fucking whatever the stance is

where you look like you're presenting tomorrow we're doing hula hoops and he would walk behind us he would walk behind us downward downward dog yeah just horrible that's dark dude

it is I didn't have anything like that my life thankfully he never molested me I was too strong I was too I was too I was too I was too I think I was just too hairy I was a fat kid until like like

I hit puberty at like 14 and then I've been the same weight my entire life. I just got like two and a half feet taller. Oh, damn. I was a fat kid until right now. I was just always a large kid with, with, I was just a broad, large kid. Did you have any, did you have any actually like giant obese kids at your high school? We had like maybe, maybe one. Yeah, it was a, I bet there's a way more now if, if you went to.

school. I bet there's a lot of kids, but there was one girl named, I don't even want to say her name. She was so big. She must have been well over 200. Well over 200. It's hard to tell with women. Oh, short. She was round. She looked like

in a Charlie and the Blueberry Girl, the Blueberry Girl, she was so round and all of her features were so round. We didn't have many fat soes that were like comically fat. We didn't have any retard either. I think back then they didn't let them come to school with us. They sent him off somewhere else.

We had Cody. Cody was a big fucker. He was a good, good guy to have on our football team. But when we ran the mile, I think like the standard was about like eight minutes. You know, because that's like pretty reasonable. Yeah. And he was claiming he broke his toe. But when we were kids, He probably weighed like $2.50. He was a big fucking kid. There was a girl named Claire who was also very big. She did not run the mile.

But other than that, we didn't have any retarded people, but for some reason, so like every morning, every morning we would take attendance, you know, the teachers like check and see who's there. And then someone goes around.

I don't know why there wasn't an email system just to do this. like, but Jody, a retarded man who was about 40, would go from room to room and literally physically take the attendance. Now looking back, it's like, why wasn't there like a messenger or an email system or something like that? They're just giving him a job. Yeah.

They're kind of just getting, Jody was creepy. He would stare the girls down. He'd, he'd have like this look. He'd like, Hey, Mith Walker. Hey Mith Walker. Hey, Mith Walker. Hello, Jody. hello like she was trying to

fucking ignore him he's just giving her that tarts you had a retarded tab tab keeper yeah he was always around like like and every now and he'd freak out like I think some guys like I think they locked him in a room one time he had a real real meltdown about that started shouting and flailing about and stuff but he was always creepy I didn't that was as close as I came to a pedophile coach I think is that retarded attendance taker who really I like like just stared every girl down even if the time I thought that was creepy. You could see his eyes when he would do it. He's,

no, he was, he was peeping. Yeah. Doing little, little peeping. I remember a teacher, I wish I could remember his name, but it was in seventh and eighth grade when middle school, obviously. And this teacher would go around and like when it when he wasn't teaching and it was like, all right, everybody work on this assignment and you had your little worksheet and you were doing whatever you were doing he would come around and he would like touch

and massage the girl's backs who never touched a guy's back but he would like come behind like a 13 year old girl, 14 year old girl and like touch her on her back. Yeah and even as a kid

I was like this is weird but never anything came of it but he 100% was creeping on those girls touching them, you know, being like, oh yeah, oh yeah. We had a biology teacher that was like, he was a fat, gross looking guy, but he was always like joking around with us, like telling adult jokes. And he was funny.

And so we all liked him. But I remember he said in front of the class one of the time, one time, maybe to a girl that showerheads had three setting, low, medium, and who needs a man. And that was 10th grade. So like a 15-year-old girl. And whenever we needed to pass photo, when we needed to pass out like tests or whatever,

take papers up, homework or whatever, he would always assign it to one of the like better looking girls. There were these two girls in there who were both on like all the sports teams. They were like, they weren't like the really pretty like, what I'll call the S-tier, like school cheerleader type check, but they were like girls basketball players who were tall and white and pretty. We didn't have any blacks in my school at all.

What we did weren't able to make the academic requirements to play sports at all. They really weren't. Only two graduated. Two in my graduating class. Fair enough. In elementary school, blacks everywhere. My elementary school class, like quarter black by the time we got to high school, two black kids.

Yeah, called out. You got to know algebra. You don't even have to know algebra. I don't think I passed that. I did that in fucking summer school. You just got to show up for the correct amount of days. Basic spelling, what? These kids have missed 70 days a year.

And it's definitely like home life. Yeah, they wouldn't be there most of the time. Oh, you're here? I don't know you have. I also blame their home life. It's got to be home life. What else could it be? I mean, that's what it's going to be.

You don't want to ponder. No, no, no, theories? No. No. Thank God. No, we don't want to pontificate on this. I sent you that clip today that fellow, he was taking the bark off a tree in the jungle with his teeth. Yeah, like a labrador. Did you see what I responded? Yeah, it was just this jungle man and he was like using his front like teeth to like top to bottom scrape bark off of a tree in the jungle to collect it for God knows what. for his toothache. Probably fixes that. Something that could be done with any

Stone Age tool. Yeah. Or your hands. It looked like a hard tree. You needed a stone or maybe a metal tool. Or you need a fucking retard to drag his teeth. Do you remember the guy? Remember the guy like years ago who went to Sentinel Island as kind of

a gag and he brought him a Diet Coke? Well, that was a different guy. This other guy did it as like a social media stunt. He was like, I'm going to take the people of Sentinel Moles Island, a Diet Coke. Yeah, like North Stenton Island. What's that?

North Sentinel Island. Yeah. Yeah. And so he goes, I don't know if he got the Coke delivered, but apparently there's like a five-mile buffer zone around that island that it's illegal to even go into, and he definitely did that. He's been sitting in, I think it's India, an Indian prison for like at least a year waiting on his trial for.

going to that island. That's rough, but also, if I were to pick any prison that I think as an inmate, I could alpha. Yeah. It's an Indian prison. It's a bunch of five foot four guys. They're very weak physically. Did you, there was a study done where they did grip strength between men and women in different nations. Indian men were a tremendous outlier as far as being weak with grip strength.

Indian men have a lower grip strength than Polish women. And so I would take my chances there. Like I'm six feet tall. I'm a pretty big guy. I feel like I could dominate an Indian prison. Okay. Unless they all come at me doing, you know, jiu-jitsu or whatever,

whatever they didn't know any of things. No chance. Yeah, it'd be like fighting off fucking goblins. Yeah, it would be like fighting. I'm fighting off like nameless dragger, not even, not even restless draggar, just regular droll.

I guess I like your chances, like compared with other places to go to prison, I suppose. Although like those dudes in South America are little too, but they're fucking rowdy. It seems like, Those boys are rowdy. I don't want to tango with those boys.

It seems like when someone is smaller, then they've kind of lived with that their whole life and built up some calluses because of it. There's been plenty of big dudes that thought they were going to mess with this little guy. And so some of those dudes are hard as fucking nails and are about like cutting you or stabbing you or something like that. You don't want to get shanked in an Indian prison. I guarantee it gets infected.

Oh, my God. It would probably be a knife that they froze and it's made of poo or something like a whole shit knife. I have my shit saber. Well I wouldn't fuck with an Equatorian but I would I would fuck with an Indian. I feel like I could

handle myself an Indian prison but not in Equatorian prison. Hmm. I think so too. I'm not going to seem sketchy to me. I have to go along. Get along. Whenever I see that El Salvadorian prison with those MS-13 guys like behind the bars they look like hungry animals. I don't

go there. Those are like terrifying. No, I would be a, I feel, I would immediately have to make friends where I'd be like, do you guys like impressions? If not, I'll just stay on my bunk. No worries, no problem. No problem here. You boys run the shit. Yeah. Indian prison, I think I could, I could become the king of Indian prison. really I think any of us could

I think so too we're all tall we're all large like those guys are those guys are five foot four I think they're gonna stab you dude I think gonna just fucking stab you but I see your point you definitely be the biggest and the baddest

but you'd be so likely to get ganged up on like you can only take some we do that thing like how many how many kids how many seven year olds can you take enough underfed Indian prisoners can you take because I bet they've got as many as it takes. They definitely do.

It's fucking India. India is like an Indian prison has to be like one of those games where there's a never-ending flow of enemies. It's like that Ron White joke. I don't know how many of them it would have took to whoop my ass, but I knew how many they was going to use. Well, I'm imagining they've got a knife. All right, you're in an Indian prison.

They come up. They're attempting to stab you. You hit them with one of these. They're swinging the knife right here. Well within arms reach. We're tall guys. You got to just... Yeah. Left hand. Left hand. Left hand. Left hand. Grab knife. Stab.

I'm glad they confronted us on gentlemanly terms and told us on guard. And didn't just jab us between the fifth and sixth rib in the shower. Well, the bad news, Kyle, is that. we die of dysentery because they shit and eat with the same hands. Yeah, that's a, that's a negative. I feel like they would, they would, they would, they would wet my ass up, brother. I feel like he deserves it though. Like, to be honest, though, like, he kind of deserves it because if you go to that island and you drop off some disease,

like it would probably wipe them all out. I think that that's happened before. Like, they wouldn't be able to survive. A disease against India? No, a disease against the people on that island. He said the sentinelies. The consequences of him going there could have been their extinction almost. Sneeze on the sentinel east.

Speaking of that, I get, you're my top virologist. Whenever I need to be in the know, I come to you. Yes. It was just two short days ago where you assured me that this whole hanta virus thing on the cruise ship was nothing to be worried about it because it was that strain that can only pass from animal to person. Now, seeing a lot of headlines. that differ with that. Apparently it's spreading person to person, and they already let everybody scatter to the four corners of the freaking earth. I also saw that, and if that's the case, it's pretty

spooky. Being a real, you know, it's, I'm, I feel like I'm getting some bad information right from the start, and it's going to be hard to lean on you, you know, when the next thing comes on. As your chief virologist. As my chief virologist, yes. Yes. Well, but I also, as your, as your, as your, as your chief irologist i also told you don't get that fucking vaccine and you didn't listen to me well i told you i have immunodeficient people and elderly people in my family and so if it made me grow a third ear then that's the fucking consequences of not being the one who has to live the rest of their life knowing they killed their father or their grandma or something so i but then they said i'm a hero for getting then they said i'm not one of those and i don't think anyone is going to do me i went in there

there like I was like the whistle blew and we got to go over that wall in charge all right I heard the whistle blow but then also don't you remember in your bunker that's what happened like five I didn't cower I lived my life in Missouri do you remember six months after you got the Vax where they were like it's not supposed to stop it it's supposed to keep you from going to the hospital remember that part I vaguely remember I remember them changing their stories so many times that they didn't seem credible to even listen to it certainly do it went from this it went from like 100% safe 100% on oh god no it's meant to really Monday morning you're kind of Monday morning

quarterbacking the thing because I was using the best information that was given to me at the time from our government if they lied it was worse than the information from your retarded trend online My lead virologist did beckon me not to get the vaccine. It's true. Did you get vaccine, Kyle? Yeah. He got vaccine. Coward.

I just explained why. I was taking a piss. Oh, because I had people in my life that were immunodeficient and elderly people, and I didn't want to have to be the one that, like spread the disease to them and then they died. So I got vaccinated because I think the vaccine definitely made. it less likely that you would contract the disease, no? I don't know. I mean, died.

And then become contagious to others. Do you think it's more likely or less likely that the COVID vaccine makes a person more or less likely to get the disease and pass it on to another person? When they started saying stuff, like, it's not so. I didn't think you would answer. I didn't think so. I don't know. You're gambling with people's lives over here. Oh, Kyle.

You win. I was right. Mr. Myers. Mr. Myers. I think he was. I leaned off to the side and pointed implying I was thinking about answering the question because I had a thought and my thought was that I suppose from your perspective, yes, but we we didn't know what the fucking vaccine was going to do.

They just showed up and they were like, they were like, yo, this shit's good. injecting it into people. I trusted Trump, okay? Boo. You know, clearly. Dumbass. I didn't vote for him, did I? Well, you can't vote.

But also. But if I could have voted, I still wouldn't have voted for it. Operation Warp Speed? Yeah. That is not the name of something I want that's going in me. I want Operation. I want Operation Triple Check. Operation Lensit.

Let's settle down and figure this shit out. But sure. No, I don't want, you know. I definitely understand. It's probably good. It's probably good. You can take it. I'll take credit for it.

He still takes credit for it. I haven't heard of it. If you're like around. Not enough people. Like it would be it. I'm being a dickhead, but I understand that point. I was literally the person who delivered drugs to an immunodeficient person on a monthly basis. And then my dad's 70.

So I wanted to do the thing that was best for them, even if it, like, did something weird to me. And also, and again, the COVID facts and fiction is so hard to, like, file through. There needs to be an independent research of that whole thing. I remember them talking about long COVID and how you could have lifelong lung capacity diminishment. And at the time, I was so into fitness. I was running miles a day. And I thought, like, oh, my God, to take away my love. lung capacity would just like take away a huge part of my life.

Like that was so scary to me. But it turns out that long COVID is just something that attention seeking women come down with. Like Crohn's disease. Yeah, like, I don't know. I think Crohn's disease is pretty, pretty well established, right? Oh, well, you are the lead virologist. You know better than me.

I am the lead virologist. Yeah. The viral. No, but celiac disease, it's not viral. No, celiac disease is one of those things, which is gluten intolerance, but the medical version. I think that gluten intolerance is like a trendy thing for bitches to say, so they have to special order their food, like 90% of the fucking time. And then I think there are very, very few people with celiac disease who don't even bother the rest of the people around them with their gluten allergy. They don't even mention it, because why would you?

It's a silly thing. I'm allergic to fucking avocado. You know what I do? I eat. I have my itchy mouth. Anything tropical. Like avocado, bananas, like kiwi. Wait, bananas give you itchy mouth?

I went into anaphylactic shock when I was like 14 because I ate corn flakes with bananas sliced in them. Holy really? What about now as an adult? Like, could you eat a banana? Since I was 14, I started slowly like building a tolerance to bananas just like I did with Iocaine powder. And now I can eat bananas and not have an issue. but it used to be so bad with avocados. I remember I was on this date in Florida,

and I had bitten my lip, like, earlier in the day really bad. Like, I'm like, and it was definitely a little bit of an open wound inside my mouth. And we went to Chipotle, maybe, or Mo's, one of those burrito places. And I was like, extra guac. It got in the wound in my lip, and my lips swelled up like the nutty professor. I could, I was like, I was like, really sorry that this had happened on the day. a meeting. I hope you would understand.

Actually, actually, you look really hot right now. She was into it. I fucked her that night. It was all good. The lip went down. Wait, so you like, yeah, right now? You,

so any tropical fruit? Itchy mouth, big time. Like pineapple. Itchy mouth? Pineapple's not as bad. I actually, like, blended some pineapple the other day and put it my lemonade.

It was tremendous. I'm trying to think of other tropical fruits. Kiwi, Kiwi, like it's, Kiwis definitely do it. Bananas used to really do it. My throat swelled up, and I had to drive for help. I had, like, drive to where my dad was, and I pulled up. My whole head is swollen. I'm like, I'm having a low reaction, I think.

Like, I can barely breathe. What are you gay? He whisked me to the ER, and they hit, they give me an epinephrine shot. And it was like an antips. in a video game, it worked so fast. It was like immediate relief and like everything went away and it was all good. Dude, that sucks.

You couldn't have bananas. Bananas rock. They're such a nice fruit. And you have an epipen there. You have an epipen for it. A little epipen. What are you allergic to? I am not going to say that on the internet.

It's peanuts. No, it's not peanuts. Is it, is it gay, gay sex? It's gay sex. I love gay sex. I'm not going to say what I'm allergic to, but there's something I'm very allergic to. I'm not allergic to anything other than the fact that every time I have,

every time I have an oatmeal cookie, my mouth gets a little shitty. Hmm, from oatmeal. From maybe oatmeal. I don't like eating oatmeal. People take oatmeal baths to soothe wounds and like skin irritation. I know. But I would eat oatmeal cookies and then my mouth would feel so like a stingy for a little bit.

But it has to be the lowest level of allergy and it can be because it just goes away immediately. And I've eaten other things with oats and it's largely fine. Could have been there. There's cinnamon, nutmeg cloves, all spice and ginger in there. It could be one of those things. I put all that stuff on food all the time. So it couldn't be like. It's a mystery.

Yeah, it would just have to be a mystery But even then It's a weird one I think maybe like Are you sure that a parent didn't tell you that To keep you from eating so many goddamn cookies? No That no

It's boycott The roof of my mouth Taylor's been drinking cum So much calm When whatever happened to be on that Survival trip when I drank that like dirty river water I was throwing up all night And then I hadn't eaten in a couple days

Because of the survival trip And then I drove, it was like seven, eight hours drive home that I was making. And finally, like five hours into that drive, I had an appetite again. And I pulled into like a, what was it? It doesn't matter. But I pulled in there and got some food. And whatever, my body had the weirdest reaction to food. The whole top of my mouth, like, broke out in hives from French fries to the point

where I couldn't eat from the pain then. Because I mean immediately, like the first fry, I felt the top of my mouth go like, crickle, crickle, crickle, and like break out in painful sores. It was, yeah, it was not a happy time. You drink. Poison water? I was swimming in a river to retrieve a turtle that I had shot. Didn't make any sense because Woody's literally a collegiate swimmer who could compete with,

like, women of the Olympics today. And I shot the turtle. I'm the gun guy. And I am the one who had to jump in the river for some reason to go swim after a turtle that's like dead in the middle of the river. And while swimming, I gulped up like a mouthful of filthy water. Filty water got me. Yeah, I never thought about that. Yeah.

If you're the gun guy, Woody is obviously the swim guy. He should jump in there, nab it, bring it back. It would be nothing for him. Yeah. I agree. I was thinking all those things that night as I vomited foam, like, because there was nothing left in my body. We were laying in the dark woods. We're laying in the dark woods, dude. It's drizzling and cold. Our fire is, I don't think we have a fire. And we have made beds out of like branches and small green trees that are about, like, dime-sized.

And then we've laid them all in, like, a bed. And then we put a cushion on that that was poor shit cushion, one of those foldout things. And I'm just, every 10 minutes, I'm just vomiting foam up, like a few steps away from the campsite. And I can tell Woody's, like, worried about me. And he's like, you know, there's a storm coming in. And we're on this side of the river. And the car is on the other side of the river.

And we barely made it across the river today. And like, yeah, if the river swells, we're going to be stuck here for at least a I was like, dude, do you know how much a helicopter rescue costs? You know how embarrassing this shit would be? We had to call it quits. I was, and it was so funny. Like, on the way out, we'd been looking for frogs all day to eat. On the way out, he starts spotting bullfrogs.

And he's like, hey, hey, here we go. Here we go. And I'm like, he's trying to like stay and eat frogs. I'm like, Woody, I don't think bullfrogs out of a mud hole or is what's going to like heal up whatever's going wrong with my body right now. We can figure you. Check it out. I got a frog over here.

Who doesn't like frog likes? Delish. Yeah, roasted over a campfire with no seat with. We had seasoning. I actually brought like one of those multi-spice little things. I guess we could. Yeah. We were in the Uari, the Uari National Wilderness area in North Carolina.

We parked, we drove in as far as we could, parked, and then walked for miles. Thank God for the muffin man. That was a different trip. Oh, no, that was a different trip. So the trip you're referring to is the next survival trip when we were like, we're sorry, the last one didn't work out. We're going to do another one. And we bring Chis along.

We bring a dedicated cameraman along. And we went into the 82nd Airborne. What's that mountain they run up? Currieh. We went to the Curahee Mountain Wilderness in Toccoa, Georgia at the base of the mountain out there in the wilderness there. And we lived out there for five days, I think, six days, something like that. yeah that was that was not fun either that was that pretty horrible it was just me and she's sitting burning cigarettes and hammocks for like a week sweating i feel like i'd do the same like i don't know what i would

do all day other than just hope that someone had cigarettes to smoke yeah what were you walking in oh sorry what were you walking in with like what were you like we're doing like a okay that's a good question. Yeah, yeah, that's a good question. We brought stuff. We didn't bring any food and we didn't bring any water, but we did bring like water purification stuff and we brought tools and we brought hammocks that you could hang up because Woody and I had slept on the ground before and that wasn't going to happen again. Not ideal. It may have been more of a camping trip than a survival trip in some ways as far as creature comforts because those hammocks were tremendous. You know, they go into like a bag the size of a camp. antelope and then come out and you buckle one to this tree and one to that tree. And then you have a mosquito net that goes over your head. That was great, especially at night when it would cool off finally. We went in like August in Georgia and it was boiling hot.

And I remember leading up to the trip, it's one of those things where like there's a group chat. We're all shooting like ideas out there. And Woody's like, I'm thinking August would work really well. And it may have even been October or somewhere in there. I don't remember when it was, but it was in the hot like fall. And I remember saying, oh, it actually is really hot that time of the year. But then I got like spoken over and it never came up again. And I forgot the whole concept.

Dude, in October when I used to deer hunt, I would be in short sleeves sweating after I carried my deer stand and bow into the woods and like climbed up a tree. I'd be like, it's so hot and humid in Georgia in the fall. And we should have gone into the winter because you could just build a bigger fire. You can just dress warmer. But when it's hot and muggy in the middle of the day and there's no animals to hunt because they know better, they're hiding somewhere. We just sat there and burned cigarettes in the hot humidity and sweat. It was a nightmare.

And we never killed anything. I hunted my whole life in woods just like that. I pre-scouted the area. I saw catfish in the creek we're next to, like big ones. No catfish. We never caught a fish. Woody caught two craw dads the whole trip. And he was like, you guys want to share?

Fuck, no. I don't want to share two crawdads. How do you catch a crawdads? You just grab crawdads. the water was pretty murky there was no catching them they're quick they like jet away and like yeah and then the silt like spins up

and you can't find them in the murky water yeah that was a nightmare trip we were living next to a beaver dam and I won't say who but certain members of the group bathed up on the wrong side of the beaver dam you want to go upstream from it where the freshwater is

because downstream you're basically in an otter's septic tank or a beaver septic tank actually especially if you're right next to the downstream area we were yeah everybody smelled real bad real bad no one went upstream to bathe

I did I did it was very shallow there it was very shallow there and they were like why didn't you tell them you can't are you know it's everybody's in a lot of stress and everybody's kind of on edge because we're hot we're hungry

we're stressed we're tired from the walk and hike in the pack and there's a lot of rules and and everybody's kind of on edge so you don't want to push people too far you'll you'll create a shouting match or something like that I mean we pulled that prank on Woody and he threatened to beat us both up you've seen that

yeah yeah he really spazzed he was not a fan oh about the uh his his his tan this is my rainfly the rainfly yeah yeah that was a good prank it was a little scary though he handled it well

once he realized it was a prank he was good humor about it but but no you like I would take a bath by the water was like this deep like three inches deep and I would get on my knees in it like I'm a Muslim praying and I had my bar of soap and I'd like soap up and like soap everything down and then it was just splashing water back onto myself for as long as that took yeah until I got clean with the cleanest water that I had access to we're using life straws and we were using like a water purification pump and it was like so much effort to pump out a glass of water that you've like

you were getting a little tuckered out by the time you were done like like you're pumping like five minutes and it's really hard to pump and you'd have like just a little cup of water and just I guess that's enough we're all dehydrated and hungry. You didn't take water with you? No, no.

We wanted to do put on a show you know we wanted to like kind of rough it a little bit. We were we had a sponsor for the thing that so we're using some of their like gear they had like fire starters and I don't know like a survival machete some shit like that so like we had that

stuff that came from the sponsor for the for the videos we did because like I said we had a cameraman there the whole time he was great he was a real he was a real sport about it oh yeah I remember that British guy yeah he was cool enough it was a weird like I had never

even spoken to him before I don't remember how we acquired him I think he just straight up like in the comment of one of our videos was like I'll do it and we were just like you're in and so like we just go off into the woods with this international man of mystery with a camera and uh and it wasn't awkward at all like like he was a cool guy um we never like nothing ever rubbed weird with him he had food

he brought himself some fucking cup of noodles and shit like that so he was fine you guys should have brought a little bit I mean I did find that muffin man you know uh I went out searching man which is baffling. Well, how'd he fucking do? Thank you for bringing food, Mr. Britannia. It was like a faith-affirming moment

when the muffin man showed up. You got to imagine, we haven't eaten in two or three days, and I'm out trying to shoot a squirrel, and I run into another guy in his truck on the road. There's not really a road, more of a, it's like a dirt road path. And he explains that he is the muffin man,

he owns a bakery or something in town and whenever he's got like throwaway day olds he brings them out here to the campers and the kids and he's like would you like some and I'm like I would love so he's literally the muffin man yeah he had Eminem cookies

like and they're in the like the grocery store plastic um like clothesy boxes like they had gotten too old to sell at his store he had a box of those and he had at least one maybe two boxes of chocolate miniature muffins. And when I showed back up with with this stuff to the boys,

they had a hard time believing my story. They're like, what did you go to town? I met the muffin, man. You clearly went to town and bought food, Kyle. Like, and you're telling this ridiculous lie to cover up that you went to. And I'm like, first of all, if I went to town to get food,

I'd have eaten it myself and I didn't want to say shit. And then I'd have been like, oh, I'm so hungry the whole time with you guys and like laughed by full belly. No. And then thank God. God, like, whatever the British cameraman guy, he's like, I saw the muffin man. He's real. He's real.

I'm like, oh, thank God. He saw the muffin man, because these guys were not going to buy that I've been into a muffin man. Yeah. Because it is literally, like, it's the most unbelievable thing you could say where you're walking back to camp and you're like, a man showed up with muffins. Yeah. In the woods. In the woods. And said, here are muffins for you. Nice, sweet guy.

I was so thankful. But it happened. I swear a guy showed up and he had thousands of calories. He did. He did. And I was so desperate for him. Like I said, I was... You're a better man than me because I would have eaten all the muffins.

There was too many to eat. Like, it was more food than I could have eaten. Just throw it away. I didn't meet a British guy who had cupcakes. That was not. I'm guessing Chis didn't have a problem immediately accepting the muffins. But Woody wanted to do the roughen it shit. And so did he have any pushback at all towards the muffins?

No. No, I think he was fine with the muffins. And I think he ate the muffins. I think especially once the cameraman confirmed that there was a muffin man because then it's kind of fair like I went out hunting and gathering

and I gathered up some muffins for us and I did it with all the rules restrictions and limitations of the survival trip you know I didn't leave the fucking wilderness area or anything I didn't go to a gas station they came to me and I talked my way into them I bet I could have if I was rude we wouldn't have any muffins

but you gathered those muffins in your own I gathered them yes I did. That's, uh, we didn't kill anything though. That was a, that was dreadful. I expect, I had been watching videos of weeks. This, that's the, that's the other trip. And he sunk to the bottom of the river. I didn't acquire him. By the time I swam out there, I'm not a good swimmer. By the time I swam out there to get him, like, Woody must be watching me swim like, he's terrible at swimming. So slow. I could speed right past him right now and it's almost like, I should have done this. He's recording me. While I struggle across the river, go, go. Go.

helping up filth water. Yeah. But I've been watching videos for weeks on how to like skin and like gut and cook squirrels, rabbits, how to skin catfish and like small, like everything that I thought we might encounter, I had looked into how to process it into food for us. And then there's none of them. Nothing. Nothing.

We didn't even hear animals at night. It was like they just left the area because of us. or something. And I swear, I scouted that place the week before. So much, so many squirrels that it was like, this is like a squirrel sanctuary or something. They're everywhere. And birds. And again, I saw a big fish, a fish that would have fed us all. In the creek we were camped next to the week before. And we didn't see anything the whole fucking trip. It was a, it was dreadful experience. For the record, everybody, a big fish is a fish that's larger than a normal size fish. Yes

8 pound catfish A bit of a catfish Yeah like an 8 10 pound catfish Big boy I'm glad And that would have been gross Because the only Even if you caught it

Because the only good way To make catfish is fried It's only good way I had Didn't I bring oil and flour Oh maybe you did But like a soft-ed That's a different time

That's the time in my cousin I'm thinking of a time when I was a kid, when me and my cousin were catfishing, the real kind. And I was like, we were hungry. And he was like, let's go get something to eat. Let's drive to McDonald's. And I'm like, what if we caught and ate one of these fish? And he's like, oh, that'd be pretty cool.

And so, like, we went back to my dad's house and got a pot and pan and some oil and some flour. And then we went back to fishing. By the time we got the smallest morsel of fried catfish in us, it was dark. And we were filthy and tired, and we had fish slime all over us. And, like, I was like, yep, McDonald's, huh? It's about time for a McDouble. It was a nightmare. A big catfish.

They're so hard to skin because you've got to peel that skin off of them. And it's kind of gross. I don't like skinning things like that. With a deer, he kind of lays open. We have a nail in a tree near where we're. we fish and we slam it on there and then you tear the skin off. Scan off. Yeah.

Because it's not like a normal fish. Normal fish you can clean pretty quick. But catfish are some sort of weird prehistoric thing. Yeah, or like I don't even think you skin trout, do you just steam them like steam the whole thing, right? Yeah. Yeah. Trout, you can just steam and.

You scrape the scales off. Okay. I had a teacher who did like a whole trout cook on the on the grill in the back behind a shop one day for all the kids. It was awesome. That's a foundational memory. Just like lemon and maybe like lemon and some herbs inside the aluminum foil and he was like doing it over a grill. So good. I was yeah.

Manifold fish. Wrap up bluegill. You just throw like two pads butter. Wrap it up in aluminum foil. Throw it on top of the like the, you know, know the plastic shell on top of the motor. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Open up the plastic shell. Wrap the fish up. Drop it in there. Close the shell. And then... On the motor. Take off.

Yeah. You have to keep it revved. You have to keep revving. Yeah. You cruised around the lake for like two hours and then crack that ship back open. Fish is cooked. Oh, man. That's a waste of a blue gal.

You got to fry. Stop eating fish after I saw that, that picture of the sushi being served with like the worm like growing out of the fish. Like that turned me off to fish. That was salmon though. That was salmon. I mean, I don't remember exactly what it was

but it turned me off to like fish in general and I haven't eaten fish. I used to always like do salmon. Like I would I would do salmon on the grill a lot. Middling on salmon. It's hard to it's harder to cook. You have to get the skin crispy

and then like get the other side like just perfectly cooked. But with like lemon and butter and some herbs. Like it's, you like, like dump the frying butter all over it. It's pretty good. It's a little strong tasting, but I used to eat it a lot. I've got a fucking peak-ass story before,

because shit's going to wrap up. Sorry, I keep knocking over one billion. Water bottles. Yeah, water bottles. Me and my ex-girlfriend were house-sitting for her. her brother-in-law and sister, just outside of Detroit. And there's this restaurant that we're going to go to.

We love sushi. So a sushi just outside of Detroit, you should not go to. We walk into the restaurant, there's an odor. Oh. Like a bad, fish odor. I hope that's the waitress.

They're selling the sushi like they're they're like oh it's fresh caught off of Lake Michigan which is not it's not a selling point. No. We eat this fucking sushi fresh caught off of Lake Michigan

or house sitting or her sister and brother-in-law in this house near Detroit on the way back to the house, I get a grumble in my tummy. Oh. Ooh. And I'm like, I don't feel good.

Oh, I really don't feel good. It's a two-bedroom, one bathroom house. Oh, no. No, no, you need two. Mm-hmm. She gets the same feeling. She's like, I also don't feel good. We pull into the gravel driveway,

of this house. It's a this fucking two bedroom one bathroom house and she's she's a girl so I'm like go for it she's like I need this sprints into the fucking bathroom I sprint behind the fucking garage sit

down spraying the most violent diarrhea I'm not sitting on anything you're squat just squatting back against the garage door in Detroit Michigan spraying the most

violent fucking diarrhea. We smelled fish in the sushi restaurant. I purge my fucking system. No wipe. I have to go in. I'm hobbling. No, I'm hobling.

Where am I going to get toilet paper? I'm squatting behind a garage door. In that order. No, I'm hobbling inside. I'm like, please. Give me toilet. toilet paper. She's in the exact same situation.

We both been crippled. Just completely destroyed by this. We decimated, decimated their fucking toilet paper. We smelled fish in a fucking sushi restaurant in Detroit. If you smell fish when you're going into a sushi restaurant, do not eat the fucking food. no and everyone take that home

with yourself my new virology expert that's that's that's that's some good advice I wouldn't have I wouldn't have come up with that one I'm gonna tuck that one away

yeah if I smell it I'm backing out or I'm getting fucking I'm ordering habachi whatever the fuck yeah I want to eat sushi

now I'm scared of it I don't want to eat any weird maggots or worms I love sushi I eat it all the time no I'm rife with parasites probably

I dealt all every fish again that's insane at least crab is like sealed up in that shell I can trust that I think yeah pop that open I can teach you a thing or two about it open that I doubt it I'm probably better than you

yeah you're probably not yeah I think you're sort of overinflated your expertise at cracking crabs because you went to like a Joe's crab shack one Saturday night and everybody gave you like some pity applause or something like that because they'd never seen anyone eat so much crab before well

I've had about All I can stand All right Check out the sponsors Links I gotta go I gotta go eat my soft pretzels Check out King Trout

Who's about to head out And get his soft pretzels Do you play marathon trout? All right, cut it but