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now we're live did you say yes you said yeah sure and then you said well hold on but in that moment
i had gotten it in there this is like perhaps maybe not the fastest ever we've gotten in a
call and started recording because i know that that honor was taken like a month ago or so
because we got we're like hey what's up woody all right we're already starting by the way
jesus christ but this is top three this was was real quick. It was top three. Yeah, yeah. We really got to go.
It was talking about hockey
and I don't know why
I thought it was so interesting,
but I...
I had mentioned the word hockey
and that's so rare.
He just thought
that he should get that on tape.
But yeah,
I was reading a little bit
about the winter classic
and I just don't know what it is.
I saw a photo.
I saw that they had
assembled a hockey rink
in the middle of a baseball stadium
and it looked cold as fuck. It's about what old would you say taylor yeah it's about five
years that they've been doing it and they have a couple different names for them uh they have
like a winter classic every year they have like a heritage classic that they do somewhere
um i don't know what what heritage they're, the five-year history of it. Who fucking knows?
But they usually just pick the biggest rivalries or they trump up some rivalry to make money.
But most of the time they're real rivalries.
So they'll have like Montreal and Boston.
They're what?
Usually they're real popular teams.
I don't think that the Coyotes have been in them yet.
Yeah, no. popular teams like i don't think that the coyotes have been in them yet yeah no so you're not going to get like um uh carolina hurricanes nashville predators showdown you know battle of the south
or whatever you'd want to call it like that's not going to happen but so partially because
so i because i still don't quite understand this thing so so is this a tournament or is this more
of an exhibition game no this is a this counts as a regular season game.
They just play it in front of Bush.
So they did it in Bush Stadium, which is where the Cardinals play in St. Louis.
It was rainy out in the first period, which they said sucked,
but then the ice got better.
One of the Blackhawks players from Sweden talked shit on Carolina after the game.
On Carolina in a game between the Blues and the Blackhawks.
They're like, John Merson, how was the ice?
And he's like, oh, it wasn't as bad as most of us thought.
Better than Carolina.
And it was like, wow, you just lost a game
and you're chirping Carolina.
But yeah, it was a good game to watch.
They were 1-1 most of the game.
In the last five minutes, Tarasenko scored twice.
One of them, it was accidental where he backed,
just threw the puck in front of the net,
and it hit a Blackhawks player's skate who kicked it in.
And then the other one was an incredible goal,
like 50 or 60 seconds later.
But, yeah, that was a great game.
I did not think we were going to win.
Of course not.
You never think you're going to win.
I never think we're going to win. I like you never think you're going to win i never think we're going to win i like it when trump had michigan wisconsin and pennsylvania
and you're like he'll still lose that's what that was just him trolling cheers like i was i don't
think so it was i think that was him being a st louis fan i think that he's just unaccustomed to
the idea that he might win with uh with, I'm absolutely like that to the point that
I was at
a Game 7 party
with a bunch of friends
and the Blues were winning by like
three goals going into the third or something. This was last
year. I don't remember which series it was.
But I had to be one of the first two. And
I was the only person who was like, nope.
Nope. You guys are all
folly. You know, it will turn into ashes in your mouth. And was like, nope. Nope. You guys are all folly.
It will turn into ashes
in your mouth. And then I'm watching.
Is it down to two minutes? One minute?
I mean, they're not going to score a goal every 18
seconds, are they? They couldn't.
They're not going to score once every 10 seconds.
I mean, that's something the Blues would happen.
Is there any situation where a fancy goal
counts as two points? That's one of the interesting things
in football that I like.
You know, you get there and you can you can go for two i love that i wish more sports had that because it's it's this moment of uh of like a bit of a
mind game a bit of trickery can be played there and you don't see that as much i like the sports
with trick plays i guess is what i'm saying does hockey have any trick plays oh yeah like is there
a hidden puck play?
Like, where, like, the guy has the puck and he's not gonna
like... No, hockey's trick plays are... The problem... I can't even
think of one. What trick play is there in hockey?
I was thinking just, like... Like, when you hit it
forward off a face-off? Like, that's not
tricky. It depends what you mean by
trick play. Okay, so let me give you an example. Like, are we talking
like Little Giants? Like, uh...
Yeah, because... Or the annexation of
Puerto Rico in Mighty Ducks or whatever it was.
So in baseball, for example, they'll do things like – I'm sure you've seen in baseball where the pitcher is throwing to first base a couple of times repeatedly to keep the runner closer to the bag.
They'll do this play where the first baseman catches the ball and then sticks it in his underarm and then goes through the motion of throwing it back to the pitcher.
And the pitcher will go through the motion of catching it and turning around.
and then goes through the motion of throwing it back to the pitcher,
and the pitcher will go through the motion of catching it and turning around.
And then the runner steps off the bag, of course,
because he's seen all those motions,
whether he locked onto the ball or not,
and the guy just fucking tags him.
I've seen those.
Yeah, nothing like that in hockey.
It's too fast, and nobody's going to hide the puck
because if I'm out there with a bunch of nine-year-olds,
I can do some loop-de-doo things like, where'd it oh it's in my back pocket isn't it but if i'm playing against
you know some guy from yaroslavl russia who's been playing his entire life i'm not going to
be like oh where'd it go sergey hockey just doesn't lend itself to that like yeah no that's
what i'm saying like taylor's saying all the players are too good but dude it happens in the
nfl it happens in the major league It happens in the Major League Baseball.
It doesn't happen in hockey.
It doesn't happen in soccer.
Yeah, the sport just doesn't lend itself.
Even MMA.
Even MMA, there's a couple of – we call them dirty plays.
A trick play in baseball, everybody's like, ha, ha, ha.
Yeah, the guy got tagged on the butt with a leather pouch.
It's no big deal.
But in MMA, if you come out with touch gloves, but instead you, like, punch and deck the guy. That's considered pretty low class.
But it's still a trick. Oh, that's a trick play.
It's not a trick, though. It's just
you're blindsiding someone.
That's the guy he knocked out.
It's a trick to me.
No, you wouldn't go up to that person and say,
I tricked you.
Actually, you would. You would say, I tricked you.
Okay, fine. That's a trick play.
I was wondering where Kyle was going, because I couldn't think of any MMA trick plays.
For the most part, it seems like trick plays are relegated to sports where they have breaks.
Like baseball and football lend themselves to trick plays because it's like it's a short amount of play time where there's lots of conniving that can happen, especially football, you would think, because it's just like a battlefield where you're just doing a new strategy against an opposing you know war force every time basically and that's you know
football like watch the 2007 i think it's 2007 or 2008 um fiesta bowl boise state versus whoever
the fuck they played i don't know oklahoma and it's an they have so many trick plays in that
game like it's great but yeah yeah, hockey, not as much.
You can call it trick.
You can deke people and fancy full puck movement them out
until they fall on themselves, but that's not a trick.
You're just better.
So here's another way you could have a bit of a trick play in MMA.
I like this clip a lot.
Oh, real quick.
We got to talking on the the chis thing
yeah uh the whole trump was gonna lose after those three states came in was definitely a little bit
of uh really a little bit of joking with chis because it was fun for me to watch chis having
to type out over and over like no trump is gonna win this thing i was just sitting at home like nah no fucking way
zero percent and chis is like no dude you got to look at the writing on the wall there's no way
he's not gonna win he's having that meltdown in his brain he's that meme with the two red buttons
do i must i be right and correct someone or do i have to phrase Trump? It's like, ah!
It was the worst.
And I could totally see him.
I was like, oh.
I started off that night very sure that Hillary was going to win.
And I was having fun at Jackie's consternation, right?
Because she's like, oh, you know,
the New York Times had this needle as like percent chance of who's going to win.
Oh, I loved that.
And it starts off at like Hillary, 85% chance going to win, then 65%.
Then all of a sudden, 55% chance
Trump will win. And I'm like,
isn't it cool, this little suspense tonight?
That's when the young people started feeling
like, you could tell they were all getting
diarrheal. They were so nervous that
they needed to take a shit, you could tell.
Like, it was bad.
There is news today in politics.
The Ford thing. Oh oh yeah they're not making
a factory in mexico and they're making one in michigan or i honestly don't know apparently
from what i gather i looked all over on different news sources on this and uh from what i can gather
the actual truth is this this they make small cars there i can't even name them the cobalt maybe no it's ford whatever the
small ford escape i think is that it okay so they make smaller cars there and there's been a smaller
demand than they inspected expected so rather than build some mega plant in mexico they're just going
to enhance their existing one and it's 700 million in investment instead of 1.6 billion. So it's market forces that are driving it.
Yeah, that's what Mike said.
That's exactly market forces, yeah.
Yeah, but Trump is out there like,
I did it again, 700 more jobs or something like that.
Maybe he's altering the market forces.
Maybe Trump's rhetoric on everything globally
is shifting the markets around.
I don't know.
He's going to create an atmosphere in which things will happen. Trump's making it markets around. I don't know. He's going to create an atmosphere
in which things will happen.
Trump's making it so people don't want small cars.
I think that's the market force.
Or maybe people are thinking
that gasoline is going to be very cheap
and everybody's like,
I need a big honking SUV.
It's fucking Hummer time again.
Trump's in office.
Let's watch this knockout.
It's Thursday.
It takes some real mental gymnastics
to believe that Trump did that. And if anyone's capable of those mental gymnastics. It's 30 seconds. It takes some real mental gymnastics to believe in Trump today.
And if anyone's capable of those mental gymnastics, it's Donald Trump.
There's also not as many small cars are selling as they used to.
Way more SUVs.
Right.
I think that's the actual market force that they're talking about.
It's that.
It's cheap gas.
Okay.
I'm ready to play.
You guys ready?
I'm good.
One, two. Let me get back to zero.
One, two, three, play.
Quality.
Mark Harmon against the guy.
Oh!
How did he bamboozle in there?
So, the guy tags him in the ribs with a very nasty body shot.
I think he broke some ribs.
And the guy made it seem like he was hurt a lot worse than he was
and then immediately, like,
pops up and just decks the guy with a right.
So I've watched this thing
a hundred times.
That guy,
Scott Shields, he actually has a
broken rib in this. He's not faking
it. He's down there.
He has one last gasp
of, like, fight left in him he throws this like overhand
right and then he grabs his rib cage again and like goes down in pain the guy he had no more
fight left he was done he had one punch left in him uh i guess you could call it a trick play
because the guy thought he was really defenseless but yeah i guess you're right he really is hurt
yeah i see that yeah no he he was super duper hurt yeah and uh the guy that got um knocked out they were friends
the guy that got knocked out it like hurt his feelings like the loser of that fight he was like
dude like you faked it and he's like no and he had like x-rays to back it up and stuff like that
guy was really hurt yeah but i like to trick plays i they always interest
me i like to watch those montages of uh nfl trick plays because i i feel like those are the real
thinking man's trick plays like there's a guy over there with a fucking chart and he's like all right
boys here's how it's gonna go down you know especially the place where like the entire
offensive line just stands straight up and only two players are moving you know the quarterback
and the one receiver who's actually going to catch it and so the defense is like really shocked confused by
that because it's always such a an intense thing when the ball gets snapped and all of a sudden
the other side just standing there this is the wrong yeah oh yeah yeah i love that the qb snaps
the ball he goes oh wrong ball and he starts like jogging toward the sideline holding the ball like
it's you know i'm like he's a mexican a server at a mexican restaurant you know just really nonchalantly
and then once he gets down to the sideline he just bolts it right up the side with the ball
yeah that's a good one i've seen that yeah see it's very difficult to do plays like that when
you're playing against like confident and confident adults like i can totally picture
myself as an eighth grader.
I played football in middle school,
and I could picture myself, like, as a linebacker
and see some player do something like that
and start walking over and be like, this is really sneaky.
But I'm also 14,
and so I'm not going to off-chance assume
that kid adjacent to me is sneaking by and go tackle him
because it might start
a riot with a couple of those parents
who are way too into this.
It's very embarrassing, right?
They blow the whistle. Sorry, a bit of a delay
of game here. Number 13,
Taylor, decided to tackle
little Mikey Walliger, the
MS survivor.
That's getting
parted off the field, boys.
God.
I didn't know there could be
an actual wrong ball.
It looked like football. Come on.
This is unusual.
His own team's kicking his ass as well.
Everybody's getting in on this.
I hated football.
Playing it
sucked.
Only in middle school for two years.
And then I was like, fuck this.
I'm only doing hockey year round.
And oh, man, it's just as soon for me, I would get really amped up.
And then it would be over.
And you'd have to go back and do some other bullshit play.
And a lot of the time, what I didn't think about when I started football
was not every play is coming to me.
I don't get to do something every play, not even most plays.
And so every once in a while it's like,
oh, you know, you're playing wide receiver today, Taylor.
Yeah, we're actually going to go for a pass.
It's like, all right, cool, fucking awesome.
Yeah, this is the first time you've been trying to throw to me all day
because we're in middle school,
and I'm just basically running 30 yards every 20 seconds and then going oh too bad you know oops like it sucked it sucked i hated
football i played in like seventh grade or eighth grade or something like that and and my coach was
legitimately mentally retarded he had been hit in the head with an aluminum baseball bat a few years prior
and apparently used to be a normal guy but he was diminished in a way that like nobody but
the kids seemed to notice like like i remember thinking like coach oliver really ain't all there
is he god damn like like coach is slow that's what it was and i just remember being at a practice on a
hot summer day and my and i didn't know anything about anything but i knew that my helmet was so
goddamn height tight that the pain was just excruciating and and i'm asking like is this a
football thing like should my skull just be like constantly hurting so so bad they're like uh-huh
yeah you get used to it.
And it's just like, I never got used to it.
Like, I just remember this thing was just crushing my skull
and causing these awful headaches.
It was just the worst pain.
If they didn't give you the right-sized helmet.
And looking back, I got the excuse of, oh, you'll get used to it.
But sincerely, it was, this dude doesn't fucking care,
and he doesn't want to hear it.
And he doesn't want to pay $5 he is he doesn't want to pay five
thousand dollars for that custom helmet for taylor yeah yeah yeah they would have to retool the factory
to get taylor's that's why i'm a goalie in hockey you know they have the elastic thing on the back
like we can just bubble wrap that big head yeah i don't i've got two stories it i didn't play
football because you know i didn't do puberty like other kids did.
But this guy, his name is Brian.
He absolutely carried our middle school football team.
Our middle school football team was pretty good because we had one guy who was really good.
And, like, in the last game of the season to win whatever middle school championship there would have been,
Brian had to run the thing, thing like eight yards for a touchdown.
It was a reasonable play, something that he'd done a hundred times before.
He didn't do it.
He got to the one-yard line, and they downed him, and the team lost.
It ruined him.
Everyone blamed this guy for the football team's failure.
He was the guy that didn't get into the end zone.
Never mind the fact that the only reason they had gotten into the playoffs and that deep into the playoffs was because of brian the guy
was an eighth grade superstar but he didn't make the one play decided not to play in football got
wildly into drugs in high school which in my head i imagine he wouldn't have done if he like
had a sport that he cared about and a team that he was part of and such. That one fucking yard in middle school football, I think, altered that guy's life forever.
We've all got those one yards, right?
Those butterfly effect moments.
Yeah, man.
There's butterfly effect moments for everyone.
And of course we remember back on the big ones that meant a lot to us
where we had to make the big decision.
Like am I going left or right down this path that's less traveled here?
Like where am I going here?
But then there's some of them that are just kind of made for you.
Whether it's through some injury or some failure or someone else's decision that you have nothing part of.
Maybe you don't remember.
But that's a big one in his whole fucking life, I bet.
That guy's somewhere right now.
He's 41 years old and his life is much more diminished right now than it than it should have been if he had just
went three more feet on a field of play when he was 13 years old the other one that kyle mentioned
that he has a his coach was diminished i i can't be specific about this all because i wouldn't want
to hurt his or her feelings but there's this person in my universe that is clearly diminished.
And, like, I was talking to my daughter and I'm like, where do you see him or her?
Like, everyone just pretends that he or she is not retarded.
And Hope, like, instantly got Tumblr on me.
She's like, that is not nice.
You wait.
You wait. Right? like instantly got tumblr on me she's like that is not nice you wait you wait and then she spends like the next uh i don't know six hours with him or her and and then we're
driving home back you know alone and i'm like retarded right right it's not just me like
everyone is like ignoring it she's like i have never seen an adult with that many Legos, first of all.
Dude, she's totally retarded.
Like Hope was telling me, like, she's like, I can't believe it.
Like, yeah, no one's making reference to it.
They're all treating him or her like a regular person.
And like, we're watching her or him struggle to read this menu.
And like, what adult struggle to read a menu and like who what adults struggle to read a menu how is this a thing
you know and like i could talk about other activities we did i feel like i'd give stuff
away but man i'm just like why does this person have adult responsibilities and freedoms i love
i like that everybody's being cool about it and making this person feel good and you know they
don't have to deal with that.
Because they're living in a happy oblivion.
It's just factual that the stupider you are, whether that's a nice thing to say or not, the easier it is for you to be happy, right?
Like, I mean, my fucking dog is not very bright, okay?
But there is no happier creature in existence than that little dog.
Because all he gets is belly rubs and like duck treats.
It doesn't even understand responsibility.
Yeah, he has no idea of like what responsibility would even be.
It's all about belly rubs and duck treats and me going, muah, muah, muah, muah, muah.
And then he goes to bed until it's time for belly rubs and treats.
Yeah, so by the same regard, i kind of feel good that everybody's
being cool around that person him or her uh and making them feel good the problem is though if
you give that person adult responsibilities and then you're the one who has to like suffer because
of that so because of like because ted is the one going to get everybody's coffees you're like
uh i guess i just won't get one he's gonna going to scald himself or get everybody a cup of hot tar anyway.
This isn't going to go well.
That football coach was the worst, though.
I remember we never won a game.
Probably partially my fault, but I never grasped the concept of football
and what I was supposed to be doing while playing under him.
It was only afterwards that I looked back and I was like,
so I was on defense.
Okay, I was supposed to be getting that guy with the ball.
Well, shit, if they just told me that, I might have gotten him once or twice.
Nobody told me that.
Nobody even told you what to do?
No.
I lined up with a guy to my left and a guy to my right,
and when they said go, I pushed the guy in front of me.
That's all I did.
Easily, if someone had gotten in my ear and been like,
Kyle, you see that guy with the – you've watched the ball.
He's going to give it to one guy,
and that guy's going to try to either hand it to a second guy
or throw it to a second guy.
You fucking hit whoever has it, and you try to stop that ball from moving.
That guy you're pushing,
your objective is to get around him.
They didn't tell me that.
I knew that, right?
Yeah, I thought it was just a pushing game.
You were playing it like O-line,
just kind of keeping them at bay.
Yeah, I played soccer and had the same experience.
This is little kid.
I don't know, I'm seven or eight years old or something.
I would always get yelled at about being out of position and chasing the ball too much.
No one ever told me what in position was.
No one took a picture of the field and said, this is kind of your area to roam.
You're either playing the ball or making sure the ball doesn't get – I was a midfielder.
They just should have given me my area to roam.
And I would have stayed there. I could follow instructions. but they just yelled at me when i was too far and i
like i don't know like no instructions were given i can remember so well like like i never had a
concept of this was the last game of the year when like i i i can remember it so clearly right now i
remember being on that football field the football field just right up the road. It's a quarter mile from here where this happened. I just remember being like,
oh, shit. I'm supposed to be getting that guy. Well, next play. That was my last play ever.
I never went back in, never played again ever. I finally figured it out, and there was no more
football to be played for the rest of the day. That was your butterfly effect moment.
My coach told me. The tipping point.
My coach actually did the thing that I talked about.
He gave me the thing. He's like, look, Woody, you're supposed to go
from here to here. Don't go faster. You're farther than that guy.
He laid it all out for me.
And then he acted like I had the...
Maybe I did. He's like, this is the best you've ever played.
I was in position all game long.
I was doing the right thing.
This is the best you've ever coached.
I don't know.
I know. You're a 12-year-old,ed. I should – I don't know. I know.
You're a 12-year-old, Woody.
You're like, thanks.
All right.
I was younger than that.
I was just – yeah, I just – I wish they had told me.
My brother, he played defense, and he could kick the ball like better –
you know, you play little tiny kid soccer,
but there's that one kid who can kick the ball like a grownup.
That was my older brother. And they put him, he wasn't particularly fast.
He was a little chunky if I'm honest, but so like you're on defense.
And if the ball comes to you, you kick it that way.
And and he would do that like a machine.
And you know that situation where like both people kick the ball at the same
time. I don't know if it doesn't seem to happen at the pro level,
but in midget soccer it happens constantly.
And they're both kicking the ball at the same time.
It always went the direction that my brother intended it to go.
It was just like, oh, is there a tie?
Pat wins the tie.
Done.
I remember playing baseball, and I was very young,
and just being out there, i was i was horrible at it
horrible in that i didn't pay attention i would look at bugs and like picket grass in the outfield
i fucking hated baseball to the point that like they'd hit a line or a ground or whatever and i'd
miss it because i wouldn't notice until they're like taylor Well, it's already gone. I'll get the next one!
I remember my dad being like, come on, get your head in the game.
And then I went, I stood up.
I was in position.
I was just looking at bugs in position instead of looking at the player.
And then just kind of thought about it.
It was like, what do I do?
Just mean mug the next eight-year-old
to come up there like chew my tongue like there's just nothing doing in baseball it seems like to
like show i'm really in it when they already relegated me to the outfield where they know
that maybe one to three balls the entire afternoon are gonna eek their way out there and if i miss a
couple fuck you know we had all kinds of um i don't know what we called it but like some of
the guys seem to know more about it than me because i don't know what we called it but like some of the guys
seem to know more about it than me because they played like a year of baseball together but there
was like a cheer not really that sounds that that sounds kind of lame that there's a cheer but like
each player would in turn like pump up the pitcher like there was almost a thing where like all the
players in the field were kind of like come on jim jim jim jim jim gonna get him come on jim
and like each person would do that while like the chorus of people was clapping.
And it kind of became, it moved around the field.
And I always thought that was super lame.
And when I was pitching, I was always like, just shut the fuck up.
This is hard.
Like I'm trying to like really concentrate here.
Like I'm thinking about stuff.
Like this is terrifying.
You know what's really hard is when we would play hockey
and we would know going into it like this is in a shitty area in a shitty rink against a team that
does not have a lot of funding but has a big school and they are very rowdy and so you just
go into the rink and the entire place is just packed with opposing fans drunk and they're like
all 16 and 17 i used to
walk in and be like where are all of these kids parents like where's the whole school's parents
are did and did none of these players parents come to watch the game it's just a bunch of drunk 15
and 16 year olds jumping around and being a goalie that was the worst because at the beginning of the
second period when you had to skate over to their side of the rink and play that period, you just got food thrown at you.
You got pieces of clothing thrown at you.
Not like anything sexy, just old hats that you don't want anyway.
And only hats because you can disc those.
You can't like throw T-shirts, obviously.
But, oh, it sucked.
It's so demoralizing to be a high school player having like fries landing in your crease.
Like, you suck. It's like, oh, well, I high school player having, like, fries landing in your crease. Like, you suck!
It's like, oh, well, I'm just out here trying to have fun.
You know?
You guys are...
Most of you are in jail by now.
You got that.
Yeah, I've told my t-ball stories.
Oh, my gosh.
I would miss the ball.
It was on a tee and everything, but I still miss it.
I didn't know what I was doing.
I would face.
You know how when you bat, you kind of face sideways and swing?
Well, I didn't do that.
I would face toward the pitcher and swing.
And no one taught me.
The coach thought I was hopeless.
My dad would be working.
No one played catch with me or anything.
I don't know if you got the worst or best of it, though,
because I had hours and hours of training.
I had hours of how to stand and how to swing a bat.
I had special bats, and I had a pitching machine,
and I had a pitching coach.
It was a lot of work that really went nowhere.
I played with my friends, and I would play catch, right?
But they were advanced advanced so they're like
throw me a pop-up throw me a line drive and i'm like throw me another grounder you know because
hey he's got a great ground game roll it to me like a bowling ball we had a kid on my team um
and i still know the guy uh he's like like i still know
he's a year younger than me um i know where he is now like he's in this hometown i know what he does
for a living i see him occasionally as i drive through town give him a little wave but as kids
there was something wrong with him he just he talked slowly he was bright like like this this
wasn't a dumb kid he didn't have anything wrong with him literally it was just he was slow like like literally slow like he talked kind of
slow and he moved really slow and if you like toss something at his face he would never go
and like catch it like i might like it was just never gonna happen he had the worst reflex reflexes
ever and i remember like he was playing third base and we had a shortstop who's this big black kid
who was like a foot taller than the rest of us, and he was just like fucking run,
like caught the ball and just fires it at third from maybe 15 steps
and nailed that kid right in the mouth.
I remember they had to give him oxygen because he was freaking out so much.
They were so much luck because he couldn't get his glove up to here,
and I couldn't fathom that.
I'm picturing the black kid in the wheelchair from Malcolm in the Middle.
No, no. That exactly happened to me me getting just smacked with a line drive right in the face as
a pitcher in baseball i was so young that i wasn't even up the pitcher i was the designated kid that
stood next to the dad in the pitching machine and i just stood there doing nothing because
you know i knew that mr turn Turner was going to pick it up.
It was his fucking job. He volunteered
for this. I wasn't paying attention.
I just got cranked in the nose.
It was the first time of just
almost coming back
to on the ground.
When you lose it for a half second
almost and just blacken.
You almost think you're blind. It was horrible.
That was one of the times I actually didn't break my nose.
So that's that.
You've broken it?
I've broken it twice.
We've all broken it, huh?
That sucks.
It's so painful.
Oh, it's so painful.
That's the worst.
And it doesn't take much to break a nose.
There's not much there.
That's hurt so good.
You would think, evolutionary speaking,
we'd have come up with something better than that, right?
Because it's right there in the middle of our fucking head.
It just takes a quick jab to break that thing and send your eyes watering and your whole world into mayhem.
Ronda Rousey was on Conan, I think, or something, and she's like, my nose doesn't break.
He's like, isn't that a cool thing?
Like, I turn out to be a fighter and I have an unbreakable nose.
And they're like, what, really?
And she's like, yeah.
Like, you know how we have like a bridge?
Like, apparently her cartilage goes like all the way back to her eyes and i want to like
experience this but she's like here you know press my nose conan presses it and he's like oh that's
weird like it doesn't have a firm breakable bridge the whole thing is just flexi yeah
but when mine got broken the uh the right side the bridge Separated from the rest so like the part that's near this eye like that it fractured long ways
And it kind of came that way and so they had to go up in my I had to go under anesthesia
And they like went up in and like it septum thing
I don't know. I know I went under and there was an operation
I know I went under and there was an operation.
How old were you?
Eighth, ninth grade, something like that.
I had to do something like that when I was like,
I think they took care of it when I broke my nose the first time when I was seven or eight.
Because up until that time in my life,
I would always get my dad to be like,
stop chewing with your mouth open, stop chewing with your mouth open.
And I'd be like, I'm really doing my best because my nose was so fucked
that I couldn't chew with my mouth closed and breathe.
And so my eating process until I was about eight was...
Like a marine mammal.
And he'd be like, Taylor, why are you so out of breath?
It's like, I'm trying to eat.
I'm trying to take little bites and chew them real quick and swallow them and get another breath of air.
And so when I got that procedure done and came back out of it, I suddenly was like, oh, look at all these people.
They weren't holding their breath at all.
It wasn't hard for them to close their mouth and breathe.
Like I thought that everybody was struggling to do it,
and they were doing it to be polite anyway.
No, but, yeah, I broke it when I was playing tag,
and my brother and I collided,
and his forehead cracked me right in the nose.
And it was, I disagreed about the pain thing.
I know you've broken yours too, Woody.
I didn't think it was painful other than just, like, a shock.
Like, the amount of blood that came out. I remember my first thought as i was running from the basement all the
way upstairs there was a hallway with white carpet and my thought was oh my god my mom's gonna kill
me because it was just blood it looked like someone was murdered and the body had to be you
know quick stashed away and i remember um i so i have my nose broken four times and someone told me that uh like oh yeah
this is maybe after the second time like you know they hit him in the nose it totally takes the
fight out of some people some people just quit and i thought oh not me right because i've already
been through this test i think it was the next time it was broken that it just sucked every ounce of interest.
Yeah, this one was broken worse.
It bled more.
I don't know if I said it was painful
or not. I don't think
pain is really what I was going through. I was just
shocked, maybe concussed a little.
I'm not sure.
The second one almost
didn't even phase me
because the doctor found out afterward that like, like, I guess there was like a lingering crack line of where it had broken.
And it just like broke like two Legos just like back in place.
I was playing basketball.
I was playing fucking basketball at the time.
I played hockey year round.
I was wrestling.
Football season had just ended.
round i was wrestling football season had just ended and i play i'm playing in fucking basketball practice on the c team or whatever i made just because i wanted to go out and try it and i was
terrible and this dude on my team was scrimmaging so hard that he came down with the ball and just
started going at it with his elbows cranked me in the l in the nose and immediately because it
had broken there before,
like the blood, it just was like a switch, just a faucet,
just, and they had to switch the entire practice
to the other side of the court as I stood there,
and they were like, Taylor, come with me.
No, no, wait, wait, wait, don't track the blood everywhere.
Just stay in there in your own blood for a bit.
We're going to go get a bunch of kits and things
and call your mom so you can go to the hospital.
And, oh, it sucked.
He's the same guy who
grabbed
that flag out of my hand with fervor
and broke this finger and messed it up.
Same guy.
That sounds like the same guy.
Twice on my team, only two high school injuries.
Little ones, but the only two.
So I was
watching this thing. I don't know two. I was watching this thing.
I don't either. I was watching this thing on Netflix
about this World's Strongest
Man competitor in England.
He's a huge fucking mammoth of a guy.
The whole documentary is leading up
to him competing in the World's Strongest Man
competition this year. Well, they had it yesterday.
He placed third.
I was feeling kind of bad
for him, so I started looking into it. An American won the way an american is now the world's strongest man um and
but i was but i was surprised because watching this brit like work out you know and of course
he's saying he's like no one has this intensity no one has this work ethic um he drives this big
jacked up ridiculous crazy truck and he's just a mammoth of a man you know as you might expect i looked into it he dislocated most of his fingers like the first day and then he just kept going anyway and i got on
his instagram he's like nothing this fires me up so much now for next year he's like if you
my fingers were all dislocated but i still placed third you know he's like there's one thing where
he has to grab a rail and like walk with it he's like i could only hold it for a second at a time he's like you give me that category and then just
one more point per uh thing and i'm first place he's he's he was really happy and i was like wow
the guy plays third without watching most of that too uh most of that documentary it looks
like i don't okay so this the way they always do the the food section of those shows
it's interesting in the same way that if you show up at the zoo when they're feeding the elephants
it's interesting just to be like that is like a whole tundra worth a toyota tundra worth of hay
that it just scooped up and then just shoveled in its mouth for you know just on a whim didn't
even matter i was wondering where you were going with the tundra thing.
I'm like, that is a whole desert worth of water.
I should have said F-150.
Yeah, and if I was using a food reference, using a tundra.
Yeah, you probably could eat a whole tundra worth of food in one bite, you idiot.
Like, there's no food on the tundra.
But, oh yeah, him eating.
He goes to the store, and I don't like it the same way when vegetarians do
it when they say i can't eat something like i can't eat that like i just i want them to say i
won't eat that because then it kind of displays the true brattiness of it in some situations
where if like you're going out to eat and you buy an appetizer oh try this i can't eat that
no you won't eat it if you if you you
couldn't eat it if it was a piece of plastic you won't eat it you're choosing not to you know i
won't like i don't know and him doing that it was like he spent like 250 a week 250 quid which is
even more a week on food just for him and it was like yeah i understand this is your dream dude but
like oh i felt bad for his family but the whole time where it's like this like you're and his wife was like the coolest lady
fucking ever she was hot like the most supportive loving woman you could imagine for that like that
dude would not be where he is without her at all i don't know because he's such a giant
some of those competitors like there was a guy guy from Sweden or Switzerland, same country really, Magnusson, who was just – he's somebody's version of perfection.
That's not the mountain, is it?
No.
No, that's not.
This guy was blonde, and he looked like a Brad Pitt times four somehow.
No, he did not look like that.
No, to answer that, so these strongmen, like you look look at this guy was showing the progression pics throughout and when he was like 26 or whatever 24 he was shredded looked great like a
greek grecian god carved out of a marble kind of body that every guy would want and then it shows
like five years later and he's got this huge belly this dist distended belly, these enormous pectorals.
He's so big that it's unappealing.
He's very thick.
He has to wear a sleep apnea machine because he's worked out to the point that he's dangerously overweight.
Excuse me.
Yeah, that's not good.
No, he's not fat, but he's dangerously overweight because he's so muscular.
He does carry a lot of fat, too.
You could not shoot through this guy with a 9mm.
It just wouldn't get the job done.
You don't think so?
No, no.
You could not shoot through this guy with a 9.
From front to back, he's like 3 feet or something.
There's a lot of—and it's not fat either.
I mean, there's fat in there, but there's a lot of gristle and a lot of muscle and some hardy bone to hold it all together.
Some hardy bone.
You could not shoot through that fucker with a 9.
You'd need some armor-piercing rounds.
But I was happy for him
that he had...
Because a 9 pierces really well.
That might not be the weapon. That might be the caliber.
Right?
Like a.45 would pierce less.
Yeah, but it's so big you're gonna
need something to rifle 357 magnum i stopped watching it partially in the like two-thirds
of the way through because it was starting to make me sad and i was thinking like oh there's
no fucking way that it was right after this section where they're like you know now let's meet
so so and so's competition and it it showed the three greatest guys in the world.
One of them is the mountain.
Speaks for itself.
Enormous.
The other one is this enormous Eastern European man.
And then the third guy was...
No, no.
Yeah, the enormous Eastern European man is shaped like a pear.
He looks like...
I think that helps.
You couldn't imagine if you passed this guy in a store,
in a grocery store,
you wouldn't be like, that guy's a strong man.
That would be the furthest thing from your mind.
You'd be like, that guy's probably not in great shape.
He's a little overweight.
He's got a weird body shape.
And then they showed him lifting,
and he's apparently the best in history.
Sets records for fun like i
don't remember his name because it was like it had two vowels and half a dozen consonants in each
part but i think his body shapes help so like woody linked a guy here who looks like you know
what i would imagine is like the perfect like dimensions the ratio between his calves and
thighs and torso and everything perfect yeah it's very
symmetrical i guess i guess is what it looks right to my eye um but but some of those other guys have
these really big stomachs that can that can make them look soft but i think that's a huge uh uh
bonus for them because like when they're lifting those boulders they'll get it on that gut and like
use it to like launch it back and do like do a power clean motion to get things above their head.
Or when they've got the kegs,
they're really able to utilize that big belly to help.
Sometimes HGH causes your organs to swell.
People accuse Chuck Liddell of it a lot.
I know you got into MMA in the last couple of years.
Chuck Liddell, of course you know who he is.
But when he fought, had like like a beer
gut with abs on it and um like it i it was always weird to me i'm like that guy's kind of fat for a
pro athlete but but wait a minute look at him breathing you know his abs are like swelling and
doing their thing and uh it turns out that that happens if you do HGH.
I don't know if Chuck did or if he was just born that way.
Probably did.
But, yeah, so I think sometimes those guys, like the strong man,
are just overdoing it like crazy,
and they might just be swollen from the HGH.
I've been listening to a lot of Ronda Rousey talk,
and one of the things Joe said, he brought up Chuck L Liddell He was talking about how early in his career one of Chuck's
One of the things that Chuck brought in his toolbox was that chin he almost used it as an offensive slash defensive weapon to close
Ground with people he's like yeah, go ahead hit me to hit me three times. I only got here you once you know
Yeah, okay, and and and they they point Joe's like, eventually, his brain had just taken too much.
And his brain, like, he didn't say it, but what I'm thinking is, like, his brain has a little scar tissue on it.
He's like your broken nose that's like a Lego that now just snaps.
And, you know, by the end, he had no chin.
It seemed like he was getting put to sleep left and right by shots that didn't look like they should do it.
Maybe that's what happened to Rhonda.
Maybe it only took one maybe it took holly home fucking kicking her in the neck and and even brought that up he's like those neck kicks those are bad
concussions that messes a lot of stuff up in your brain you know to like snap like that your head
goes one way your body goes the other uh so he thought maybe that was part of the reason why she
just got decimated but there's like eight reasons why she got decimated in that fight.
Like legitimately.
Like there's no one thing.
Everybody wants to be so black and white like, oh, bad coach.
End of story.
No.
I love the fact that all of her fights are gif length.
Like in all seriousness.
That's the only way I've seen any of her fights is because they can fit in like 45 seconds to a minute.
And they're exciting because it's non-stop
action of her getting her ass beat.
At least in this one. Or winning.
Or she wins really quick.
Equally good. I don't really care if she succeeds or not.
But yeah, she's over
now, right?
Her ship has sailed.
I think that it is.
In the post-fight interview
they asked Amanda, they're like,
do you think it's over and
she's like oh yeah she's done ronda's done she'd go make her movies now she'd go make her movies
now um no i've been saving that one i got it i got the tab open what did he say he said he said
this he's like a lot of fighters do this he said anderson silver was particularly guilty of it like
when they're on top of the world they're like like, maybe I'll retire. I think I might go. He's like, what they really want is for you to say,
no, don't go.
No, please stay, stay, stay.
We love you so much.
Don't end it now.
He's like, then they get a couple losses, right?
And suddenly no one's begging Anderson Silva
to keep fighting.
And he's like, I'm coming back.
No, no, I'll keep doing it.
No, no, no.
Like that whole, I want to retire thing was just talk.
And Ronda talked about retiring all the time when she was on top, right?
And according to Shale, what he expects to see is Ronda to say,
all right, no, no, I'm still getting it.
I'm still Ronda.
Who's she going to fight, though?
All right, let's look at the bantamweight fucking division, right?
Holly.
Well, Holly's not a bantamweight anymore.
Holly's about to step up
and be the 145 pound champ and i don't know dana is going to want his 145 pound champ to be dropping
down to he's going to have deja vu from what he had with connor right and he's gonna have to be
snatching belts i see the complication it's a good point but like you want to fight with intrigue
you know holly lost twice after she got that belt. She hasn't won since, I don't think, right?
So, or maybe, has she won since?
I'd have to look up her record.
I don't know.
Yeah, I do know that she immediately lost twice.
And so it's like, oh, do you want to fight with a fighter that's beatable,
where there's some intrigue?
Beatable and beatable by Ronda are two different things.
Holly has her kryptonite.
Holly has her kryptonite, right? her kryptonite. It's striking.
It's accurate, stiff,
striking. Let me throw this out there.
What happens if Ronda says, alright, I need
nine months to get ready. I'm going to TriStar.
I'm going to
TriStar is where GSP and
Rory McDonald train. The other big gym
they talk about, where's John Jones go with
that Greg Jackson in Albuquerque? Anyway, the other big, big gym about where's john jones go with that greg jackson and albuquerque
anyway you know the the other big big big bear up there with the low altitude yeah high altitude uh
yeah high altitude yeah um yeah well the two j wiggle giant wink jackson and try star like if
she would go to one of those things right and she just sort of well i guess if she's fighting holly
she couldn't go to holly's gym but uh if she were to go there and work on her box striking for the next nine months
you take what she already what's holly doing in the next nine months forgetting
well you know what i mean like holly's gonna spend the next nine months getting better at
her boxing but holly's already like a champion her pro boxing record was like 23 out of 28 or
something like it was legit like she's a legitimate world-class
striker and she seemed in that last fight to figure out how to prevent the clinch she's pushing
off ronda's hips she's staying back and ronda has to learn a new skill right and i don't know that
it's it needs to be boxing but boxing is a science from what i've heard i know i can't fucking box i
know if i wanted to be even a piddling low-level boxer
who could go into some bullshit gym
and spar with someone
and they wouldn't laugh at me,
it would take a year and a half.
A year and a half of all my time
before I can walk in
and put on gloves and spar with some guy
and he doesn't look at my feet.
You know?
Because if you look at Ronda in that fight,
and this isn't my expert golden glove
having analysis or anything this is what everybody's saying her feet aren't moving her head's not moving
amanda is teeing off on her like she's a speed bag if you look at her face if you pause it there's a
red mark this big that's right here in the center of her goddamn face she's not getting hit over here
she's not getting hit in the collarbone. She's not slipping punches.
She's eating them right fucking there.
Like eight or nine of them in
40 seconds. Turns out that unbreakable nose
was really, didn't play to
her advantage.
I don't think it broke.
I don't think it broke either.
Everything Kyle says is right on the money, according to me.
What am I?
According to everyone. It's just the way it is.
I don't know shit about – Kyle doesn't know much about hockey,
but if he saw a player skate out there holding the stick the other way
with the blade at the top, he'd be like, you know what?
I don't think that's right.
I think this guy's not very good.
That can't be a good way to play.
You don't have to – I don't know anything about boxing,
but I can tell that she is not a good boxer because this is not a working
defense.
I feel like if she would have spent nine months working with Firas,
a hobby that he would be like,
all right,
look,
you know,
we got to get some basic defensive boxing in here.
You're going to have some,
by the time I'm done with you,
you're going to have some head movement.
You're going to keep your hands in the right position and you will know how to clinch against a boxer.
This distance can be closed.
George St. Pierre clinched against boxers all the time.
His wrestling was fantastic.
He'd have the – Ronda doesn't do double leg takedowns,
but I know she could be great at it.
That was my next thing, yeah.
Yeah.
She doesn't do – she doesn't do single leg takedowns.
She does judo throws only.
She needs to start off with some wrestling that's meant to be – that's all about, and I've heard that the reason she doesn't do double legs, I've heard the reason that she doesn't do that stuff is because her knees are worn out.
They say her knees are shot from judo, and she can't go down on her knees and get the double legs.
Do you know that double legs are illegal in judo?
I didn't know that.
Yeah.
Wrestlers were going against judo people
beating them and like because the wrestling has a big takedown aspect of it too so they would
compete in these judo matches beat the judicas and judo responded by saying you know what
we need a rule against this that was their answer so yeah i those two that's a you know that that's rock and fucking scissors but
then you put it in mma and there's gonna be fucking we're gonna be in a clinch and that
judo throw is gonna be great um i don't know i think she needs to learn some sort of wrestling
that's about closing distance and getting the clinch i don't think that she can learn striking
i don't think that you're gonna take someone who is well i'm gonna call her a four out of ten in
the bantamweight division at striking.
Like if she was a video game character, you'd give her 4 out of 10 on her striking.
You would.
You just would.
I think that so Bache.
Has she ever won with striking?
Yeah, yeah.
She beat up.
She clobbered on Bache.
But if you watch it, she's coming in like this, like just running her down to close this.
And Bache, who throws arm punches, is still like fucking clocking her a couple times she she ronda's a little bit ronda's ronda's bleeding at the end of that fight and of
course ronda's like ah don't cry but i was thinking like you don't cry your nose is bloody lady like
like you went in there and look sloppy right there i remember thinking that that fight was sloppy
um and but but now like i said i look at the bantamweight division who's she gonna go down to
and i was thinking like one of those Polish chicks.
Those Polish chicks might wreck her.
Like I remember watching them fight a couple of UFC events ago.
There's two Polish chicks.
Their names are like Shletvinko or something like that.
Those bitches don't fuck around.
They are much tougher than Ronda.
They took the beating Ronda took the other night in the first three times over.
Each of them did. Can Ronda took the other night in the first three times over. Each of them did.
Can Ronda make 115?
No.
No.
Probably not.
5'7"?
You're probably right.
5'7"?
And she's wide shoulders?
She makes 135 easily.
I remember in The Ultimate Fighter when one of her fighters missed weight.
Just to prove a point, she made 135 the next day.
Lozon fights at 155 and when
he makes 155 he'll walk around at like 172 ish but by the time he's flying to vegas he's like
162 ish or something you know 169 you know five something like that 162 165 so he's dropping like
10 to like 8 to 10 pounds in water weight
you know when he does that ronda apparently is just within you know drinking distance any day
i don't want to call that you know dehydration distance and and she could just make 135 tomorrow
she looked amazing uh it was the best looking ronda that that i can remember when i saw that streamable video of the
pose off i started really uh thinking again about about all of my predictions and all my thoughts
about the thing because she just looked so goddamn good that it just looked like if she did get that
clinch it would be overpowering and i think it might have been if she could have if she judo
throws amanda am Amanda bumps her head
on the way down Joe said this and she's a bit foggy and then she goes right into that arm bar
because Ronda really is like world-class arm bar like if there was a if there was a place that
everybody wanted to go to learn the arm bar you might go to Ronda like there may not be a better
arm bar in MMA she she's clearly used it at she spots on bar opportunities that other people don't
you know like oh yeah she finds a way to get to it she'd make opportunities maybe very good at She's clearly used it at six. She's on bar opportunities that other people don't.
Like, oh, yeah, she finds a way to get to it.
She can make opportunities maybe.
Very good at it.
I don't know.
I think Ronda's done.
She's going to retire.
I don't think that she can move around weight classes, although I would like to.
I'd like to see her still fight.
But there's just – I mean if she went down to 115, she'd be a. Cause those girls don't have the knockout power to,
to,
to hurt her before she gets that clench.
The problem,
in my opinion, is that the,
the,
the division advanced farther along until there was striking good enough to
stop random Rhonda from grabbing you.
Cause that's all she ever did anyway.
I hear you.
Yeah,
you're right.
I don't know.
I,
I,
I guess when they talk about the stock market, they're like,
when it's at its worst, it's never as bad as you think it is,
and when it's at its best, it's never as good as you think it is.
I feel like right now, Ronda, like, everyone has decided that she just
doesn't have the skills to compete in this division, that she's a joke,
that she's terrible, and she's easy to hate.
Like, in The Ultimate Fighter, she was completely hateable in life yeah she's been she's look if she was your
neighbor you wouldn't like her you know she's just not a nice person she's mean to everyone
etc but when i'm doing my when i put my fighting out analyst hat on i say you know what like let's
not forget the dominant run she was on you know
misha tate was just champ misha tate beat holly homes and ronda beat the fuck out of her twice
broke her arm one of the wins i i wouldn't say she beat the fuck out of her misha rough ronda up
that's like they go to they went to the third didn't they third or fourth they might have but
i really felt like ronda took her for a ride on those takedowns like like she was just flipping
her in the air slamming her i remember it being very takedowns. Like, she was just flipping her in the air, slamming her.
I remember it being very one-sided.
And the first time, she literally broke Misha's arm.
Like, that's a thing people say, like, I'm going to break it.
No, she broke it.
She put her in an arm bar, and she was mad at her, so she broke it.
And they're like, you know, how do you feel?
Like, do you feel a little guilty for breaking her arm?
Like, did you mean to do that?
And she's like like no and yes do you see ariani giving ronda the like crazy eyes at
the way in uh apparently so remember when ronda was talking about do nothing bitches yes yes ariani
was one of those do nothing bitches who's just standing up there being pretty making more money
than some fighters so at the way in ariani's just like you cunt pretty, making more money than some fighters. So at the weigh-in, Ariana's just like,
you cunt!
I was just looking at her, it was great.
That's another example of how hard Ronda is to like.
Like, who picks fights with the card girls?
The ring girl.
Yeah.
The hottest one, too.
That's terrible.
That's really bad PR for yourself.
Like, that's not...
Maybe she was trying to be bad girl but
that just comes off as cunt like nobody would be like a good point of McGregor
it would never go to a restaurant and make a huge scene about like oh this
isn't a twice baked potato send it back yo send this back oh this whole steak is
fucking awful I'm yo you'll do nothing you'll take it back it's what you're
doing oh everybody watch I'm not gonna give you a tip either you know i'll throw me kind of monster
right at you you know or whatever he does like he wouldn't do that because it would be like oh
that's you just being a shitty person he does it to the right targets right right because he knows
how to do pr that's just that's not her actually being like a bad girl at all she's just being a
nasty person like speaking out about i i felt like she was both speaking out about the underpayment of some fighters
while at the same time taking a dig at someone she definitely thought was just all substance or all flash and no substance,
which is what a ring girl is.
I like looking at those ring girls.
I wish they wore less.
I don't know how hard it is to be one.
They're fucking smoking. They pick good girls. I think it wore less. I don't know how hard it is to be one. They're fucking smoking.
They picked good girls.
I think it's hard.
As far as hard, I don't think there's any skill.
I mean, you just hold the card and all.
There's no difficulty.
You just stay in very good shape.
You just stay in very good shape and be pretty.
Yeah.
So Rhonda's job is much easier, much harder.
Okay.
I'm with you there.
Rhonda's job is very hard, one of the toughest in the world like let's
take that and set it aside um but like to a lot of the people who might be criticizing ring girls
and jumping on ronda's side i think like dude do you know how much those ring girls are denying
themselves you know i'd like a six-pack but i'm aware of the decisions i'm making that prevent that you know like i don't know my dinner
would not be a cow without the ufc she was gonna be looking good no matter what happened in this
world like like she was she just you take ariana and make her a housewife and she looks like a hot
soccer mom not a ring nowhere ariana's just she's just tight sorry speaking of hot soccer moms did you see uh the
new year's eve special and uh and uh oh god what's what's fucking uh mariah carey mariah carey first
of all mariah carey looks so goddamn good and that one piece thing she's wearing with that big
thick ass and those thick thighs for me oh oh god damn no it's i bet that ass is hard too i bet you i bet you have to grab the
whole thing and move it up and down to get it to really jiggle like that ass is hard it is muscular
it's thick those thighs and those big fat titties jim norton was going on about this all day he's
like oh yeah those big fat titties I don't know why like women,
like female performers aren't more nervous dancing.
Cause I only watched a little bit of that clip,
but I saw her outfit.
Like all it seems like it would take is just like a little inch too wrong to
the left or the right.
And your pussy's just hanging out.
I think they're careful.
I think it's a whole thing.
I think there's tape.
I don't think she's as hot as Kyle thinks she is.
I guess we just have different tastes in women.
I mean, I don't think she's that hot either.
Ah, come on.
She's ridiculous.
That body?
Oh, my God.
I'm looking right at it.
This link just says not found.
Yeah, that link didn't work.
Oh, no.
But the real funny thing, of course, is she got caught lip syncing and just terribly.
And then when she did have the opportunity to sing the songs, she didn't.
She just sort of noped out on the whole thing.
Still.
Are you sure, Kyle?
She looks like she's a little heavy.
I want to look at this.
Dude, that looks great to me.
That looks real nice.
I don't know. Maybe. Well, that's a to me. That looks real nice. I don't know, maybe...
Well, that's a terrible angle for her chin.
I feel like that's been doctored.
Hang on a minute.
I've got to zoom into this.
You think someone photoshopped Trump's chin into this?
It looks like she's got stubble in her chin.
I feel like this has been doctored. She looks liket gingrich from the lips down yeah look at her chin what
happened i don't know all right i'm gonna ignore her chin for the time being and just look at the
rest of her and i'm digging all of that like like yeah she's probably she's probably 10 pounds above
her like perfect perfect number but she's a big Latina girl anyway.
She's a diva.
Do you remember those ropes and the cloth that's tearing as the Titanic's sinking?
It's under so much strain.
We're about five minutes from that in this picture.
No way.
No way.
We'll shift fromanic to ghost ship as some thread from her thing swings and
chops everyone in half there's one guy who went back against her flips her he like picks her up
and flips her and they were pointing out on the on the jim and uh jim norton show they're like oh
that looked like the hardest flip he's ever done
it looked like it was that did not look graceful it looked like the hardest flip he's ever done.
It looked like that did not look graceful.
It looked like he was really struggling to get her up and over.
Mariah Carey could not make it as a ring girl.
But this is the cool thing.
This is what I like.
I feel like, and I've said this before so quickly.
People give me shit, but what, fuck people.
Anyway, back in like 1985, there was one way to be hot you had to look like christy brinkley now there are a dozen ways to be hot you can look like christy brinkley you can look like
kim kardashian you can look like mariah carey um you know which is not to say ariana's ever going
to go out of style but a big thick ass that guys visualize grabbing onto as they do their thing there's a market for that now there didn't used to be yeah there's always been a market i think
there has been but there's always been a market for every kind of lady out there i think where
woody has a point here is that like in um in in like marketing in like in the marketing that's front and foremost in our society, it was a lot of C-cupped, beautiful brunettes and blondes who were 5'10".
They were very thin, but they didn't have big booties.
Brinkley's kind of got a pancake butt, right?
It's a flat ass.
It's a flat white lady ass uh the way i remember it um you know she's she's she's perfection virtually but not
anymore i i think i think that now she's uh but like if you picture a prime brinkley a prime
kathy ireland a prime who is the black woman that has a talk show who was a supermodel
oh tyra tyra yeah yeah yeah um like these people were you know they weren't foodalicious
it's not until like beyonce says look at my jiggly ass yeah don't you want to fuck it
now now you want to talk about somebody that's big like we can't give mariah a pass without
getting on beyonce after that super bowl uh i need to see this yeah well that was just i remember
that picture but it was just like the worst screenshot of her imaginable
well not the one where she's making a face
freeze frame
oh not okay I haven't looked at her
the only picture I've seen of that is the one where she looks horrible
so I don't even know what she looks like
let's see
Beyonce steals the show
oh that's yeah there you go Day steals the show. I meant to click view image, but I clicked view page.
I sent you the wrong one.
This is the actual image.
Yeah, you could have just told me it was on Hollywood Life
and I would have clicked my bookmark.
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, she doesn't look... She is not as heavy as Mariah Carey.
I agree.
I will say, she's thick in the middle, too.
Like, you know, her coat is really well done.
They put these broad shoulders on.
What are these, shotgun slugs?
A 25 would not go through her.
Yeah, they put, like, shotgun slugs on her shoulders
to make her really big up top
and then you know she's obviously big in the ass and they do everything like she's not as narrow
in the belly as she should be but they do that yeah well they're yeah they're doing something to
accentuate and make her waist look more narrow i i feel bad picking on these gorgeous women um
like like it's one like like i have no issue like giving somebody shit when it's when when it's due but i just feel like mariah is looking great here like like i don't
think like i remember back to miley cyrus's like really tight uh that spandex or uh it was almost
like the stuff to make rubber gloves out of and how it made her ass look gross and how it was
really nasty looking in the end and that's not what we got here i think this is really classy
and it is tight but it's a bodysuit.
And, I mean, she's pretty brave to go out there wearing that anyway.
I think she looks great.
She's like an 8 out of 10 there.
I think she looks great for her age, because isn't she like 50-something?
No, I don't think she's that old.
I know she just divorced this billionaire husband of hers.
She was married to Nick Cannon, I think,
and Nick could have taken money from the divorce, but he didn't.
And then she got married to this billionaire guy,
could have taken like money from the divorce but he didn't and then she got married to this billionaire guy and uh and now she's wanting like 50 million dollars inconvenience fee for like
having to break up with him or something her age is not known by wikipedia but she's either 46 or 47
so ah okay oh wow a mystery yeah did did you find it too um no i was at her birthday is march 27th
that much is known but 69 or 70 is not so interesting i like that little little mystery
behind mariah carey maybe she's from another world uh where they they also can't sing yeah
she can't sing anymore that's a real problem problem. I think she's gorgeous. I think she's super hot, and that body's crazy thick.
But she cannot get those high notes, and she can't sing.
I thought she did a decent job on carpool karaoke.
I read that.
She did it now.
I read that carpool karaoke exposed her as not being able to sing,
but I heard it and thought oh, they can sing.
I see these people
on Carpool Choreography and I'm like
their kids are really lucky. They're going to get
the best lullabies
ever.
If their parents sing to them, man
they're going to like that.
My kids, they didn't get much lullabies.
I didn't get any songsullabies i uh yeah i didn't get any songs we usually got stories
but yeah i thought that was incredibly embarrassing for her um she really didn't
seem like she didn't give a shit she was just just out there going through the motions i know
and she's got a bit she's doing that to promote her uh her new tour you know she's going out and
touring and if i'm a prospective ticket buyer for her
tour, I'm like, well shit.
It's lip syncing. She's
not going to actually be singing these songs.
And even if she is, she's just going to be
singing some of the
vocals. Because you can definitely tell
part of the track that was overplaying
was the real high notes where she's like
like she's going into this really beautiful thing
where she's hitting crazy high notes
and then just dragging them out
and then it'll go even lower.
And it's just like, no, she can't hit that shit anymore,
even if she could ever.
So they're just playing a track.
I read someone on Reddit who seemed to do this stuff.
He was like a producer professionally or something.
He really seemed like he knew what he was doing.
And he's like, Mariah Carey did not have a good situation here.
Like, they screwed it up.
She couldn't hear herself in her monitor.
And he's like, there's a reason deaf people don't talk very well,
because they can't regulate themselves.
When you're performing in a live audience and it's so loud,
you can't hear yourself, you're going to sound god-awful.
Like, she had two options.
She could have either not sang, which is what she did,
or she could have sang, and everyone would be ripping on how she can't sing anymore.
He's like, the only embarrassing thing about this for Mariah
is that she had help with the high notes.
False! No way!
Because if you look at it, once it gets working,
once the whole system starts working and her monitor is working, she's just like, eh.
It's very much...
I was trying to be a good sport.
Did your monitor start working?
Yeah. They get it all going for the second song.
And she sings a little, and then she's got the mic by her leg. She's just like, this is done.
She feels like somebody was fucking with her. But you're absolutely right about having the monitor not working.
It is so weird to talk into a mic and not hear yourself at all
and just be separated from that.
It's almost like another level of mental gymnastics you have to do
to keep your voice going.
You need to hear yourself talking to keep your timing
and your verbiage correct
without having to think about it like it's a thing.
To be able to talk without thinking,
you need to be able to hear it.
I've had that on this show at times.
You think I can hear myself because I'm in a
quiet room, but when you put the headset on, it's
just dulled down. Just like
Kyle said, if you can't hear your own
voice, it makes it tough.
I always only do one headset.
I either have this
or one and one off, because it just
bothers me to not be able to hear myself.
Then everybody posted clips of Adele's
audio quitting working
and Lady Gaga's audio when it would quit
working, and they're both like, oh,
now y'all get a real show.
Then you just get them.
In Adele's case, she led the whole crowd in a chorus,
just still like screaming her heart out singing the song
because she was actually singing the song the whole time.
She's so good.
Yeah, she's incredible.
Lady Gaga's great too.
Yeah.
Oh, Lady Gaga.
Maybe she is.
I don't know.
I'm not able to judge people very well.
But every so often, like a popular singer comes along and you're like whoa
like not only is this person popular but they're super good because like there are there's tons of
backstreet boys and i don't even know who's popular justin bieber right he's super popular
and i'm not saying the guy's not talented he totally is but he doesn't like he's to be the number one guy he's not the number one talent um
christina aguilera could sing like crazy and um the titanic chick i can't remember her name right
now celine dion celine dion could sing really well and right now oh interesting kyle says so so
i i hear adele and i'm like this is like she is so good at singing this is you know it's a very rich
voice that's the thing to me it's she seems like she'd sing in church very passionate uh it's very
good it's deep it's um lady gaga's great too if you if you ever look at lady gaga singing acapella
or uh or while she's playing her piano and like some small thing it's it's excellent she's she's
got incredible vocals that's cool yeah because i know of her from like poker face and stuff like that which doesn't yeah oh when she
sings poker face acapella it's great you know there's none of that tech music in there there's
no like um there's no altering her voice or anything it's really pure it's really clean
and and you know she plays the piano uh you know acoustic and everything it's uh i've heard a bunch
of her performances because she went on stern and played a whole album one time.
Just a microphone and a piano.
We should tell
Chiz to book her.
Yeah, get right on that. I'm sure she's free.
Oh, you know the
music teacher I paid $80
to come and perform on Painkiller
already? Do you guys remember that?
Very well, yes. It was like a silent raffle or
something and he was supposed to write a song and I was like, you know what? I guys remember that? I very well, yeah. It was like a silent raffle or something and he was supposed to
write a song and I was like, you know what, I'll do that.
I think that'll be fun.
He got let go from the school
and I think that
we didn't strike when the iron was hot enough
I guess.
Bummer.
Oh well.
Yeah, I guess he was going through
well, I know he was going through a divorce
and then he just wasn't the best version of himself and the school let him go i guess he
wasn't tenured it's sad when that happens like i don't know it's like i've seen companies carry
people and not carry people when they're just it's like yeah this guy's gonna suck at work for
four months you know we're okay with that
he'll need to step it up after things smooth over but somehow when you're like teaching kids like
it's not okay to suffer through that i don't know tough break yeah i guess not yeah but the kids
first children first kyle yeah children always first is that a show i was just thinking that okay
painkiller nearly episode 125 that's a wrap see ya