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singular nearly episode 235 my triumphant return what he is back from nigeria where he got to see
all the scenery and uh well no i'm glad you didn't actually do that africa flyover because
it's not called off forever that would have made it on vice or huffpo or something where it's like
like one of the other stories where it's like some woman in Switzerland and she's like, I think that
it's very safe to travel in the Middle East.
This is like my nightmare
playing out. Let me lay this out.
I'm gone.
Top 1% episode. We love it, right?
I come back
right into Paramotor Talk against my will.
What are you doing?
Why would you have...
This is not fair. Well, go to ufc talk and then
maybe we'll circle back okay yeah there was a there was a big ufc event i no there wasn't
there was a shit ufc event and and there was a glimmer of hope because because francis and
gano the most misnamed character in the world the The man's name is Francis. Okay. He looks like the scare.
He looks like a Spartan.
Like if you were going to like assign,
get a group of guys together,
these were going to be our John one,
one seven Spartan master chief motherfuckers to go fight some aliens.
The dude is six foot four to 45 or something like that.
And he's just power and death to me.
He's black Zangiefief what is the street fighter
character's name yeah taylor's out of here that's okay do you know street fighter the characters is
it zangief the dude from russia man i i didn't play street fighter i played virtual fighter i
had a sega fair enough well anyway the black version of him now he's a very scary looking
super genetically enhanced whatever.
And they have this punching machine in the UFC that they punch to determine how powerful someone's punch is.
And his apparently is the most powerful of all the punches.
That's a cool machine.
Apparently he punches.
This can't be true.
But they say he punches as hard as a Ford Escort hits.
And I try to make that true in my head.
I made that joke and I love that it's my head. I made that joke, and I
love that it's actually true. I was like, each of his
hands is like a Datsun.
Just imagine. Car accident after
car accident. Well, I think we saw it.
Is it possible he hits as hard as a
Ford Escort weighs?
I'm trying to make that true in my head.
No, he would be
killing people. How much does an Escort
weigh? Hang on.
It depends on the speed of the Ford Escort.
Let's say zero.
I'm trying to make it possible. How fast is a punch?
Well, I punch as hard as a Ford Escort going zero, because that's nothing.
Well, gravity is what I'm saying.
Dropping on you.
Well, if you drop a Ford Escort on someone, that's a lot, depending on the height.
You're adding motion, right? I'm just putting scales under the Ford tires, adding them up, and saying that's the force of a Ford Escort.
It's about 2,500 pounds.
Well, that's not how force works.
But in any case, he hits real hard.
Apparently, he hits harder than anybody ever hit, and he's facing off against...
Can you imagine if he was throwing punches, and it looked like all the videos Kyle links on PKA and people were just getting thrown out of the ring?
Just like a Dragon Ball Z episode.
He's fighting this guy named Cain Velasquez, okay, who many consider to be the greatest heavyweight of all time.
He's been out for, I don't know, 900 days or something like that with injuries and such.
This is his triumphant return.
And I'm watching with all my buddies and I'm like, yeah, let's bet anything you want to bet.
This is Cain Velasquez's night.
Francis Ngannou is a pumped up UFC bitch.
That was your take?
Yes.
That's one way to go.
Francis Ngannou is a poster boy for the UFC.
He's what they want to be their shining light for the heavyweight. They want to pump this guy up and have him
replace DC when DC finally retires as the heavyweight champion of the world.
But this man over here, this
veteran, this bad motherfucker, this 36-year-old wrestler
is the real bad motherfucker. That was my take.
I was like, look at his forehead it slopes back like
tank armor like it's made it literally does like if you look at um he's like a tiger look at kane
velasquez's forehead it slopes backwards like like tank armor like my forehead's flat your head all
of our foreheads are flat right like there's a there's a square here that you can envision
his goes back like a fucking conehead or
something you're completely right i never noticed that i'm showing it to the patreon viewers right
now you're right and you would imagine you're also right he's 36 you punch that bitch and it would
just skate off to the top well the fight lasted and i'm just making this up 30 seconds tops okay and Kane came out and he threw about two of these spin kicks that looked
like I was no I can kick better than that I really can I took karate for three years as a child
and I I took a I took maybe four months of mixed martial arts training there were kicks involved
we hit pads I can kick better than that it looks better than that maybe not against opponent but
if you put me in a room in front of a mirror it looks better than that maybe not against opponent but if you put me
in a room in front of a mirror it looks better than that against a heavy bag put me on that
heavy bag and my kick looks better than that and so does Woody's because I've seen Woody kick a
heavy bag too he kicked and it was like one of those kicks where like a man is kicking for his
first time in his life and he like loses his balance a little and he's like a little off kilter
and the kick wasn't going anywhere. Like if Ngannou
had just stood there and been like, yes, kick me,
my friend. It wouldn't have hurt him.
It was this lame kick that just sort of
broadcasted to the world,
I'm old. I'm broken.
Destroy me. And Ngannou
came in close. And
I've watched the replay maybe 30 times.
I've read a ton of Reddit comments.
I've looked on ESPN.
It looks to me like he hits him with this right,
this really short right.
I'm not talking about a big wind-up cock punch.
It was like this.
If you watch my fist, it was pop.
It was just one motion,
maybe eight inches of travel tops,
and that crumpled him.
And when he crumpled,
his knee bent backwards and did this disgusting thing that I think
may have torn his MCL.
I don't know if that's hyperbole.
I didn't watch the post-fights, the post-fight interviews, but everyone was saying his MCL
was torn.
He's like, it looked bad.
This is the most, it's such a sad comeback for Cain Velasquez.
It would be like if the other night when Anderson Silva fought Israel,
if he had just gotten starched in the first round
and had not even...
Like Israel, like combo, combo, combo, head kick, you're unconscious.
Were you rooting for Cain?
Yeah, yeah.
I bet on Cain. I was rooting for kane yeah yeah i bet i bet on kane i was rooting for francis
and um my reason why is this kane he see he appears to be a great guy i don't love his brown
pride tattoo i don't maybe that's a dumb reason not to love a fighter but i'm like it's just a
dark white pride tattoo in my head that's how it plays out between my ears maybe you've got a
different take on it listen i saw dana defend it once and i i just accepted it i suppose
oh yeah i get it you know i don't like it like like oh you're proud to be your race over any
other race is that what that means like that's just this is one little piece of it the other
the bigger side of it for me is that he's been made of glass for like a decade now i don't even
know but he's been just frequently injured his like a decade now i don't even know but he's been
just frequently injured his knees are always injured his back is injured one injury after
another i'm like if he wins this and this is a title eliminator which it might be might be then
man like what are we going to do with kane we can't depend on him to actually fight on any
kind of schedule and i like my top guys to be active guys. I really want that from my fighters.
Agreed, 100%. I want to see them out there working.
So, Francis
has not had
problems getting to the cage.
Kane has had tons of problems getting
to the cage, and
that's kind of why I was just rooting for the active
guy to win. That was a big part of it.
I agree with you there, 100%.
It was, I i guess the best
thing that could have happened to happen did you i don't know that punch now kyle described it as a
short punch and he's right i agree with everything kyle was when he described the pipe but francis
is so strong hits with the power of a ford escort apparently um when i one of the angles I saw, the camera was behind Kane as he got punched in the head.
And I saw his body fat jiggle from his ass to his shoulder.
Dude, that's a good point.
His whole body shifted, and I was just like, whoa.
It didn't look like much of a punch.
It looked like maybe he had no chin.
None of the heavyweights have chins because they have to fight other heavyweights but man when i saw the power that like what it did it was if you
could just see like the john jones would have taken him apart over the course of three rounds
and it would have been humiliating on twitter i saw a lot of people being like oh he lost because
his knee blew out no and i watched it and i can i saw him do a little slip, but I didn't see a knee blow
out. Can I jump in? No, no, no. His knee blew out
because he lost. He took this
punch and it was such a short
punch. And people forget
that Francis Ngannou is probably the most powerful
man in the UFC.
Let's just say top
25 most powerful men on the
fucking planet Earth right now as
far as delivering concussive force
with a fist and he doesn't have to do this big wind-up thing like you've seen rocky balboa do
he does this and you're unconscious like how does how do you punch someone like that so hard in the
face that their knee just i want to i want to reply he knocked him unconscious and as he fell
he fell in an awkward way so kyle's right but um
during the fight the announcer had it backwards like we didn't realize that the punch took him out
until we saw the replays so they were like oh this is so sad look what happened to his knee
because all you saw was him like drop the punch didn't have a big one i didn't even know he was
hit but once you go on reddit and you watch the replay 50 times yeah i totally missed the punch because i didn't know what i was looking
for like i watched it a few times and kept watching it looks like nothing and was like
wow six inches and the other guy goes unconscious and collapses down that's that's how that goes
down just like pop he's like my knee if you were in a movie if you were in a movie you'd be like
well that was bullshit but you gotta keep in to keep in mind, this is the guy.
This is the guy who's known for generating incredible force with his fucking hands.
And that's all he needs.
All the heavyweights are amazing in that regard.
Francis is amazing in that regard compared to the heavyweights.
So the one thing I'll throw out there is I've seen a lot of fighters look like they had injured knees on the way down.
And they turn out to be okay.
So I'm hoping...
Kane, oftentimes they go on Instagram
and they're like, hey, I'm good, I'm bad, or whatever.
I haven't seen that so far.
So that's the UFC.
Is he done, you say? He should be done.
Yeah, I think this is a...
That's a pretty embarrassing performance.
It's a hard pill to swallow because
he's been mounting a comeback for a while.
And he doesn't train in this gym where he's the biggest, baddest motherfucker there.
He trains in a gym of champions, right?
And all the other champions are like, dude, you're looking good.
Co-champions are pumping him up and touting his abilities.
And I believed it.
I bought into it
100 and i wonder if this was just a fluke i really do if it like i don't know maybe if the knee
hadn't gone out i get the punch did the damage right but maybe maybe he could have covered up
better maybe he was in a lot of pain i don't know what happened it was so but but then again
watching his kicks just those kicks look so –
Daniel's kicks look like that too, and he's the current heavyweight champion.
And the current heavyweight champion –
That's true. Daniel should never kick.
The current heavyweight champion is his training partner, Daniel Cormier, D.C.
And D.C. says, I have known for years that I just can't beat this guy.
This guy is too strong. His cardio is too good.
I cannot hang with Cain Velasquez. This is what he says.
But
Daniel Cormier
is a good teammate, right?
And he is hyping the fight. He's hyping his friend.
I don't know if he believes this
or if he's just selling his friend. I can't tell.
Yeah, I can't tell either. It seemed like
he believed it. He was like, as soon as I retire,
he will be the champion of the
heavyweight division, no doubt in my mind and it's like no francis and gano is is i wanted to believe
or think or at least i thought that he was one of these sort of like ufc pet projects that is like
oh look at this super powerful good looking like incredible physique like you look at him and it's like,
that's what an ultimate fighter looks like.
You put this guy on a poster and sell a fight.
Kyle, I have this question for you.
People talk about how the UFC pumps up fighters, right?
To me, I get exposed to very little advertising.
I don't have ads on YouTube and whatever.
So I don't see the UFC marketing machine marketing machine what i see is like reddit
pumping up fighters and my own opinions from watching the fights do you feel like the ufc
chooses whose stars by the way they pump things up no um if anything i feel like sometimes they
do the opposite i feel like they take their someone who could be a rising star like like all
right ben askren right ben askren's got a lot of hype behind him right now a lot of a lot of
internet hype a lot of people are going to tune into a ben askren fight so if you gave him i
frankly i don't know the 170 pound division well enough to to wonder boy maybe maybe barboza or i
don't know wonder boy's fuck. Wonder Boy's a good one
because he'd catch Wonder Boy. Wonder Boy wants to do
that point karate shit.
I think he'd close the distance on him and make him
helpless on his back. I think. Askren will
take him to Funky Town, as he calls it.
Yes, yes.
I love that. I watched the whole
montage of Ben Askren fighting and it's to the
song, Funky Town!
Because he's been funky
askren he's got he's got the afro and everything before he was in mma just real quick uh yeah he
described his wrestling style as funk style and apparently he doesn't well he has all the
traditional moves but in the scramble in the positions that you're not usually in the weird
things that go weird yeah yeah that's his that's that's where he loves to be so he does funk style
and he just does his own thing and whenever things get atypical he lands on top i've watched these
breakdowns of him uh in his mixed martial arts fights and they're like oh look the the other
guy tries to turn his ankle outward but he repositions and he does this.
And then he throws the guy over his shoulder so he's easy to lift.
And now he's completely reversed the position.
Now he's on top.
And it's over.
And it's like, yeah, that's badass.
I feel like – so I don't know if – I feel like it's the opposite.
I don't feel like the UFC builds a guy and gives him easy fights.
People say that about Conor McGregor.
But then two years later, you look at the fights that he fought and these guys that were supposed gives him easy fights. People say that about Conor McGregor, but then two years later,
you look at the fights that he fought and these guys that were supposed to be
easy fights.
And it's like,
Oh shit,
those are the best fighters in the world.
Those were the best fighters in the world.
Like those are the guys who were like number three,
number two,
number one contender type guys that he's fought,
you know,
and he,
and he beat them all.
Uh,
you know, it's just, so I don't, it's Conor McGregor beat them all uh you know it's just how good is
conor mcgregor right that's the me just how good is conor mcgregor the the the the chael son and
take and and you gotta it's a good point just how good is he and we're gonna find out i know the
cowboy the the cowboy connor fight is still like up in the air and being made or anything and
everything you said cowboy's gonna get absolutely Well, I wouldn't say that.
I think it'll probably go to maybe the second round or something like that.
Or the third round, maybe even.
And Conor could lose, and it would be real bad for his career, I think,
if he did lose because it would be several fights in a row that he's lost
and several fights in the last five that he's lost, right?
It would be bad.
It would look real bad.
But Conor is – Cowboy is a beatable opponent. in the last five that he's lost. Right. It would be bad. It would look real bad, but Connor is,
um,
cowboy is a beatable opponent.
I've seen cowboy lose to lesser,
uh,
challengers than,
than the Connor.
Isn't that maybe I'm,
I read this somewhere,
but I was thinking that you said it,
that like,
they might be doing this to like hand him one because Connor's like a really
big draw.
And like,
they,
this is not a fight.
I,
this is okay.
I,
I,
I think it's somewhere in the middle. Like they didn't, it's somewhere in the middle. Another world beater. You know, This is not a easy fight. Can I chime in?
I think it's somewhere in the middle.
They didn't hand Conor another world beater.
They didn't give him a Khabib rematch.
It's not a Max Holloway, it's not a Khabib, and it's not a Tony Ferguson.
They don't want to kill this golden goose.
Yes, yes.
That's a great phrasing of it.
They didn't try to kill their golden goose.
But they also didn't match him up with me, right? This other guy
is a professional fighter. I think he has the most
wins in UFC history. And he's legit.
He's fucking legit. Cowboy is a fucking
brawl. But he always seems to
earn his way to a title fight and
lose. He earns his way to a
great guy and loses. He always seems to be
almost as good as the best.
If he's got the most wins in
UFC history, that means he's got to be getting up there
in age.
That's true.
I don't know, 34 I'm going to say.
It's not like he's old.
He hasn't lost a step necessarily.
It's going to be a real fucking good fight
I think. I think it's a great fight.
I hope it happens.
I don't think it'll be like
that flash knockout Jose Aldo shit.
I think it'll be a good fucking two, three, four round maybe even fight.
Might go the distance and we go to the judges, which I dislike, but whatever.
I think it'll be a good fight.
He'd be 36 for the fight, by the way.
Yeah, he's a little older than Conor.
Conor at like 30, 31 or something like that.
It's weird.
I hear 30 and I think old professional athlete.
But really, that's kind of peak
in martial arts. In martial arts,
I'd say 30 is about peak.
It's right in the middle. I didn't know that.
You're right there. What do you think is peak hockey?
What do you think is peak hockey, Taylor?
30?
It depends on your position. For a forward,
around 26 is peak.
Defenseman a little later and goalie a little
after that. because the thing is
you can start playing hockey you can play hockey at an intense level at seven you know like you
can't do mixed martial arts at a canadian or russian i mean you really can't you know if you've
got a driven parent maybe an ex like do they play what would you say check i don't know this because
i'm just a beer league player. When does Cech hockey start?
It starts in...
It never ends.
I think it starts in peewee when you're like 11 or 12 maybe.
That's when you're allowed to hit.
And they kind of wean you into it a little slower to where you can't just be doing like, you know, totally destroying your opponent checks.
It's like more like, all right, we're going to start you
when you're a little smaller
to try and make sure you learn
the power of these hits.
Because if you just turned that on at 16,
kids would get killed.
Oh, I think I understand what you're saying.
At 11, they wean you into keeping your head up
because checks are coming.
But they're not hard because they're 11.
It's not that they're not hard
because there's rules against hard.
Exactly, yeah. It's just like you don't have the capacity to get running as much. It's not that they're not hard because there's rules against heart. Exactly.
Yeah.
It's just like,
you don't have the capacity to get running as much.
There's always that kid who was my size at 11 though,
who real fucking damage.
But speaking of hockey,
the most important sports news blues on a 10 game winning streak,
hottest team in the NHL.
Somehow in the NHL,
it's going down exactly the way I said,
I am Nostradamus. I said that we were going to go on
a what would be in the end meaningless win streak that would fritter away any chance of a good draft
pick because i don't think we're good enough this year to go far in the playoffs like i don't think
okay maybe but here's what i'm gonna lay this out and i want you to give me that you're right or
wrong on it sure i would say that how a team did leading into the playoffs,
like their record two months headed into it,
is more telling than the season leading into the playoffs.
When did the playoffs start? April?
So how they do in February and March tells me more about how good this team will do
or how well this team will do than how they did from like September to March.
I think that's totally fair.
The only reason I think it's a little different for the blues this year is our
goaltending.
We pulled up.
So there's in the NHL,
there's the NHL,
then the AHL,
the American hockey league.
That's the minor league.
And then there's the ECHL,
which is the minor minor league.
And our goalie was doing so our NHL goalie had been so fucking bad.
And our backup NHL goalie was so bad. We just cut him had been so fucking bad and our backup nhl goalie
was so bad we just cut him and just said you're no longer on the team chad johnson goodbye and
then our ahl goalie was injured and so we grabbed a guy from the echl and brought him up here
binnington and now he's going by winnington because he's like 15 and one he's got the best
save percentage in like the league he's got four shutouts in like his first 14 games in the nhl and i'm like this is this guy is either going to be a phenom or he's riding a
really hot streak and this isn't that sustainable and so it's the goaltending thing that's making
me because our forwards are clicking we're scoring a lot of goals tarasenko's got like
20 points in his last 10 games or something ridiculous so our offense is clicking but as
soon as they start to feel that fear that the goalie is sucking again,
like they had been with Jake Allen, you know how it is, Woody.
You play differently.
When you're playing beer league even,
if you've got a goalie that you can rely on, you're going to pinch.
You're going to be like, I'm going to be really aggressive.
Joe's got it.
Who fucking cares?
But if you know shitty Steve is back there, you're going to be like,
you know what?
This is a dumping situation.
He's not going to save shit.
And that's what we're in right now.
So, I've played
against teams with literally
no goalie, right? They just have
six skaters because their goalie was
late, right?
For the first period and a half, we score
like three goals on no goalie
because we know that anytime we want to,
we kind of can. You just sort of
don't get... you play differently.
Yeah.
And then the guy shows up halfway through the game,
and we lose to a team that had no goalie half the game
because, like, we didn't just shoot it from center ice like we could have.
And, yeah.
And like you said, and if I know that our goalie back there is, like,
not our good one, our – you know,
this is just a skater dressed in goalie equipment,
then, you know, we're a skater dressed in goalie equipment then uh you
know we're we're standing on our heads for that guy and those are my favorite practices is like
those goofy practices we'd have like after a good tournament win or something where it'd be like
all right taylor you're playing out uh adam you're in goal or whatever and we just switch equipment
and because it's so vindicating as a goalie to see
somebody else struggle their ass off because everybody on the team thinks they can do it and
then you put them in there and you fire a couple like decently quick at them and they realize
pretty quick oh oh this is a scary position dude like these are coming fast and they hurt i thought
you guys had pads that stopped it all my experience was it wasn't the fright like i maybe they weren't
shooting that hard.
I wasn't scared at all.
But I did suck, and I sucked a lot more than I thought I did.
And here's what I thought.
Here's one thing I thought for sure.
I thought I was a way better puck handler than the goalie.
Oh, my God.
Goalie?
NHL goalies puck handle like C-leaguers in beer league.
They are terrible.
They're lucky if they can just scooch it around the sides and,
and then a league guy can like pass it to center ice,
which every C league beer,
you know,
so that they put me in goal.
And here I think,
dude,
I have the puck handling skills of a skater.
No,
turns out one of those gloves is like a baseball mitt.
Am I holding this thing backwards?
What do you even do here?
Like,
cause I want to catch with my better hand i don't know what's happening the sticks five times
as heavy and it's five times as heavy you can't hold the stick like like you would a broomstick
like anything else and uh yeah suddenly like i'm a worse puck handler than a goalie is which is not
what i thought was coming yeah that's like when you see in the nhl a goalie who's actually good
at handling the puck.
Jake Allen sucks at goalie for the most part
for the Blues, but he was trained by Brodeur
in puck handling, so he's very good at that.
Brodeur, they changed the rule in the league
because he just would skate into the corner
when they were dumping it in, pick it up, and then
just fire it 100 feet to some guy
waiting at the blue line. And eventually they were just like,
we didn't ever anticipate
someone in your position would be as good at what you're doing so you're not allowed like you're not
allowed to he's the only goalie that scored multiple goals in the playoffs because they'll
be ahead and the other team will pull their goalie and then the defenseman will just like
they would hand it off to marty and he'd be like in his own net and go and just heave it down there
and score now i watched a i watched a gif recently
sorry this is kind of the same topic but not really sure i watched a gif where there was a
scramble for the puck behind the net okay and one guy went down and then a defenseman took his stick
and he hit the guy and the guy's down okay like four is down. Hit him in the back of the head with the stick,
like the sharp end of the stick, like chopping motion.
And then you might think it's over, right?
No.
He came back for seconds and hit him, like, in the middle of the back.
And the guy is covering in pain and anguish.
And then the gif ends, and I'm like, what happened next?
I remember that story.
I thought you were talking about the nhl for a second
but this is like you saw this on reddit a few days ago yeah i saw it what happened is they
they it's like a canadian high school or something they permanently banned that kid from any canadian
affiliated hockey league so he's any hope of his is gone if you have that in you then you shouldn't
be playing the sport that'd be like in baseball if you get a bad call and you deck the fucking ref that'd be like in baseball if you turn around with
a bat and smash the catcher in the in the head with it yeah it's like attempted murder kyle asked
the question what happened afterwards but my question was what happened before right that
you might not know i didn't see the instigating moment. You are obligated to defend your teammates and especially your goalie at a level that sometimes I didn't even get.
Let's say this scenario plays out.
Some guy shoots the puck towards the goalie, but that guy sucks.
So the goalie easily handles it and stops it.
And then he does this hockey stop and makes a snowman out of the goalie, right?
All he does is just push some harmless shavings of ice
towards the goalie.
As a defenseman, somehow I have to push him around
and teach him never to do that again.
When in my heart of hearts,
you know, I'm really not that mad.
I really think people make a bigger deal out of this
than they should.
Oh, I've been the girlfriend.
It's like everybody, as the goalie, it's like everybody on your team is your boyfriend.
So when they come in and if they start fucking with you after you cover the puck,
immediately you have five guys who are like, get away from him!
Yes!
Because they all know, if he goes down, none of us know how to play that position.
It doesn't look fun.
I don't even
have the pads my motivation was this is just hockey culture like oh you know what i'm obligated
to be very upset with you now i'm not really but that's just what i'm supposed to be well one of
my favorite times ever in playing hockey there's a kid who kept trying to splinter me which is like
i would go down on my knees to like cover it up and he would take his old ass like carbon fiber
stick and put it around the inside of my leg in like a scrum he was pretending
that he's trying to go for the puck you know as i'm icing it but he's just sawing but really he's
just sawing at the inside of my leg and and i got so tired of this at one point like i jumped up
when i saw it was him and enough people were around that nobody saw and you know those blockers
that goalies have it's like it's like i'm wolverine it's brass knuckles huge brass knuckles thing and i just as hard as i
could i'm a head taller than this kid of course i hit him so goddamn hard i thought for a second
i'm like oh my god i'm in so much trouble i hope please get up please get up like he went down so hard it was like i hit him
and his feet went forward and boom just kind of fell back and when he stood up and like kind of
was like woozy and skating away there was a a dent in his face mask where i hit it and the front of
my blocker was totally collapsed like i had to get another one. It was so worth it. First of all, because my dad had to buy me the other blocker
because I was like 15.
Uh-huh.
And second of all,
because I didn't get fucked with anymore that game.
That kid was a piece of shit,
and I know you never made the NHL.
Neither did I.
When your dad bought you the new thing,
was he like,
yeah, I'll buy you one anytime
you want to smash a fucking kid?
Yeah, how did he see it happen,
and how did he react to the story?
It was not... Well, the refs didn't see it because there was a big enough i mean did you cluster in front uh i don't think he saw directly i told him later and like he always would be like getting me
like he'd always want me to get like play it again sports kind of equipment so it wasn't like
i ruined a 200 piece of equipment like it was already old so it wasn't a big deal like with
those hand-wearing
out things you get from the friction.
Before we move on from hockey,
I figured Woody might have seen this,
and Kyle definitely didn't.
This guy got high-sticked, James
Neal, and usually you only lose
one tooth at a time,
but it hit him perfectly, and it
wiped out his entire upper
row of teeth.
There was a clip afterward of like,
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I see the teeth!
I see the teeth!
Oh, my!
Can the fans see this?
I see two teeth.
Yeah, they see it.
Yeah, I think they knocked out three or four,
because then it showed on the Jumbotron,
it's being like, oh, Ref Callahan's skating over.
Looks like he's found two of the teeth.
Oh my, I see like four.
Yeah, and he was sitting on the bench later,
smiling, and they were all of them gone.
Just ruined.
So are you playing that for the fans?
Or are they getting to see the show?
I am. I wish it was bigger.
Because if not, maybe link it in the description.
I don't know.
Uh-huh.
For those of you out there who are listening,
take a moment here, okay?
I know you're driving or whatever.
Maybe you're listening to this on a fucking iPod
or in your car, you loser.
No, stop for a minute.
If you want to see a hockey player
take a stick to the mouth
and see three of his teeth
literally spin midair like it's zero gravity,
you're going to want to see this clip.
That's outrageous.
That looks so bad.
That is the...
That's why you wear the full mask.
Are you considered like a faggot
if you wear that full, like, legit mask?
The only time people wear that full mask
is if they have a broken jaw or a broken nose
because hockey players won't sit out for broken facial bones.
Because in baseball, I know my experience in baseball.
If we saw someone wearing the full face mask,
we're like, pussy.
What, you got no reaction time?
You can't get out of the way?
You think you're going to eat one if you don't have that on?
Get out of here.
The only thing that's mandated by the nhl now is the
little two inch like glass thing in front of their eyes and even yeah the visor and even then like
this russian dude got caught just tilting it up all the way like it was you know like those black
sunglasses things you could do it was evgeny malkin for the the penguins and they made him do
it and something that's stressing me out is our best player right now,
Ryan O'Reilly,
is the last dude in the NHL
that is allowed for some reason
to not have a visor.
And so he just on his own chose.
Yeah, he's like,
I'm not wearing a visor.
And so it's like,
please, Ryan.
Like, we need you.
You're our only chance.
You're the last guy with no helmet too.
Al McGinnis, right? No, Al wore one for a while, but I don't think, like we need you you're our only chance you're the last guy with no helmet too al mcginnis right
oh no al wore one for a while but i don't think i know he didn't wear one with calgary i don't
think when he played for calgary for the blues he did oh did for a bit uh i remember yeah there
were people no helmet guy like everyone in the league had a helmet except one guy and i thought
it was mcginnis for the blues i'm sure you. How foolish do you have to be in that day and age when they're like
alright guys, we're introducing carbon fiber
sticks so they're going to
be shooting about 30% harder
and they're like I'm not wearing it. Suddenly everyone can go 110.
Fuck you.
I've told this
before. Something happened
to every game that made me like my cage.
I wore a cage which was
a face mask with it's all
these really hard wires for people listening and sometimes it would be me where like a puck would
hit it or a stick would hit it sometimes it'd be someone else like a dude with no cage would lose
a tooth or um have you ever seen a man's lip split to where he is almost like a horse lip
you know where now there's a hair lip yeah yeah um that would happen you know and
it'd just be like this is why good-looking people wear cages yeah you know i feel so stupid i was
watching um the wire and someone said referred to someone with a hair lip and all this time i don't
know why but i assumed it was h-a-i-r like hair lip and it didn't make any sense to me i was just like well that's
just what they call it no it's h-a-r-e like a rabbit i was today's day old today's year old
when i learned that how do they say i was i was just now years old i thought it was like it's
like a hair because it looks like a hair that split your lip or
something.
I don't know what I thought.
I guess I never really thought about it too much.
And I certainly never Googled hair lip or like wrote hair lip or anything,
but I saw the,
the,
the closed captioning.
Yeah.
And it was like H A R E.
And I was like,
holy shit.
That makes sense.
Like a hair,
like a,
like a rabbit.
Yes.
It does make sense.
Yeah.
Why did I describe it as horse lips a second ago when hair lip would have been?
Yeah.
I get it.
It's like when I figured out that it wasn't for all intensive purposes.
Oh.
And I figured out that it was for all intents and purposes.
I was like 19 when I learned that.
Oh, now it makes sense.
Yeah.
What was I going to say?
Hair lip.
Oh, I thought hair lip referred exclusively to the cleft palate surgery.
It doesn't, I guess.
Well, it's what you need the cleft palate surgery for.
Yeah, Joaquin Phoenix has a hair lip.
A hair lip is like the hockey injury.
Does it actually fit there?
Well, you described the hockey injury as a hair lip, so I kind of I kind of went a sort of reverse engineered
it it's when you've got like that you know that thing that going on there but
like like I'm thinking of like the injury that you're describing sounds a
lot to me like Robbie Lawler's yes yes where like your lip isn't just people
say split lip what they mean is is a torn lip a little bit.
The skin is torn.
No.
Robbie Lawler had a tear all the way through.
Two lips on top.
He had two lips on top that were separated
because he had gotten fucking punched in the middle of his mouth so hard.
Imagine your upper lip split from your nostril to the end.
To your mouth. He screamed like a warrior at one point he went ah and and like you know it had to hurt because it's all
it's all split apart it's like like yeah it got wide and subtly they moved independently of each
other and that that independent movement is what like it burned into my head yeah and that happened to a friend of mine we uh
i've told the story before so fast forward here we are but um i just had my arm operated that
was on a sling kind of paralyzed i was walking to the boardwalk slowly behind the whole group
my friend talked trash we turned around and now i'm in the front like representing us in a fight one-armed and uh i'm like guys i don't want to do this
he kept you know saying the pre-fight stuff step off you know you step off and uh their opening
move was to split his lip in two and break my nose in two like within three seconds of the fight
it didn't go well it didn't go well at all
they were drunk and uh um there was a glimmer of hope and because i knew this wasn't my arm
was literally paralyzed i couldn't move my fingers there was no fighting it was in a sling
and uh like i knew i wasn't gonna come out on top of this thing i was just kind of standing there
there was this glimmer of hope when like one guy and my friend who got his face smashed were in the same
fraternity,
different schools,
but same fraternity.
And I'm like,
Ooh,
is this our like reconciliation?
Turns out?
No,
no,
not so much.
But,
uh,
but yeah,
he had a hair lip.
Maybe it split him up.
Yeah.
That,
that would be a horrible injury to get. happened to some dude in a swedish league i can't find the picture right now in the last week and it
hit him like so bad in the top area of the lip that like his entire lip was just hanging loose
like his top half just like almost into his mouth is disgusting this other guy like i think last
week jimmy vc on on the Rangers got hit in the chin
and I guess he wasn't holding his
mouth guard in right
and so it forced his teeth
and it embedded all of his lower teeth
into his upper lip.
And so
I guess that fucked him up pretty bad. He was joking
about it later though, so he's fine.
Did he miss a shift? That's the big
hockey masculinity test
people yeah people lose do people break bones and don't miss i've broken two bones in my foot
and didn't miss a shift oh they do they like have the reveal at the end of the playoffs every you'll
see like like i'm not like it's literally a reveal we're like at like you'll be watching like three
weeks into the playoffs you'll be like man stam weeks into the playoffs. You'll be like, man, Stamkos not looking good.
And then as soon as it ends, it'll be like,
Stamkos played the last 14 games with a shattered wrist and five broken toes.
I don't know if it was last year or before, like Claude Giroux.
Like, yeah, he just didn't have the playoffs we hoped.
And then like, I don't know, let's say the playoffs for him ended April 17th.
April 19thth he's scheduled
to go into surgery to get that shoulder repaired yeah yeah yeah it's great i love that about hockey
culture like i love the like you don't yeah it's just that you don't see it in other sports
i like the whole like oh i got my face shattered stitch it back up and send me back out if i'm like
low-key messing with someone in hockey
like they're in front of me breaking in on my goal and i'm low-key messing with them never ever ever
do they just like fall and drop and embellish what i'm doing like they they fight through what i'm up
to to try to make a play and i like that about hockey culture a lot and it's like it if you are
an embellisher it like gets permanently attached to your reputation
like pk suban that defenseman who's always throwing a tantrum or pitching a fit and
embellishing shit he doesn't get called on it nearly as much because they want to make him one
of the faces of the league because he is a good defenseman he's a solid defenseman but he's always
embellishing and like over the years even when i read like our hockey like it's gone from like he's the best i love him i love him i love him to now at least like 50
percent are like fucking embellisher i remember when you did this against the canes where you
fucking acted like it hurt you know and all crosby had a reputation as a cry baby and i feel like
that even still kind of hangs on to him and i think part of the issue was he was a great player
like the face of the penguins i'm making this up at like
21 you know maybe 18 yeah yeah well was he the face of the penguins lemieux was still there when
he was 18 yes yeah so but by the time he's 21 like he's the guy arguing with the refs and something
about it just looked like a petulant teenager you're not getting his way and he also has very
pouty lips.
And no playoff beard.
Is his playoff beard improved at all now that he's older? No.
He's got three Stanley Cups and no beard.
So who has the last laugh now, Sidney Crosby,
with your hundreds of millions?
Yeah.
The delivery driver just then, he was like,
you know, I knocked two times and i called
and i figured if you didn't answer i was calling 9-1-1 and i was like yeah man you never know
maybe i left the fireplace on too long and the gas like got you got the best of me i could be
out in there i was like you ever come and i don't come to that door you bust in something's wrong
i was like i was like i don't order this food with reckless
abandon all right i want my fusion grill and if i'm not coming to the door then i'm down in there
so you need to get in there and say he's like i got you brother i got you do you know your drivers
when you go to is it postmates are they the ones yeah yeah yeah you must start to see repeats in
the drivers i do see repeats and i have my this do see repeats, and I have my favorite. This guy's my favorite.
This guy's my favorite.
He's like maybe a 40-year-old black guy, and he's got a good sense of humor,
and we always have like a little exchange when he brings me the food,
and he knows my name.
I mean, it's on the piece of paper, so maybe he doesn't.
He knows my name.
He probably knows your name.
He uses my name.
And, you know, we call each other sir sir and we have you know i had a nice
conversation with him just then he's like he's i was i got you brother i got you back i was about
to call 9-1-1 i was like bust that door down man if i don't come to that door after three knocks
and a phone call you bust it down you bust it down dude you save me because i've succumbed to
the fumes or something in there i've drank too much like something's gone wrong wrong. I've drank too much. He's going to come in one of these days
and if you're passed out drunk at one in the morning
and he has postmates that he forgot about, he's like,
you awake? You awake? Kyle!
Kyle! I got your Burger King!
I got your Waffle Kyle!
Wake up! It's getting cold!
Can you feed it to me?
I got your Waffle Kyle!
Here, I got it.
No tomatoes, just the way you like. This is going to be a 20% gratuity though. Oh, Kyle. Yeah. Yeah. I got it. No tomatoes. Just the way you like.
Yeah.
There's going to be a 20% gratuity though.
Heads up.
Oh, I always give them.
The tips vary, right?
I'll tell you what.
Based on?
Based on attitude.
Whether they, I have a steep driveway.
Very steep.
Like the kind that you have to approach at an angle.
And if they don't come up that driveway
i kind of deduct a few points it's like if if you can't come up if you make me walk to the end of
my driveway down to the street there are people that wait on like the sidewalk yeah yeah and it's
not far like it's a stone's throw but still but it's i preferred if you came to my door right some
people will call and be like hey hey, your food's here.
And I'm like, well, not exactly, because I see you down in the street, right?
It's almost here.
Yeah.
Yeah, so those people...
You're so close.
Those people get 10%, okay?
Which I think is a weak tip, personally.
I usually give more than that.
Weak, but not totally punishing, I would say.
Not insulting.
They did their job mostly they did 99 of
their job but it was that last percent that cut them off there are some people who get shit
fucked up like sometimes i order sushi and like like maybe i'll order at lunch and what i'll do
is i'll order like hibachi chicken which is like chicken like grilled chicken and rice and
vegetables and uh and then i'll also order some sushi and my plan is to eat the sushi for lunch
and then for dinner later that night like six hours later i'm gonna heat up that chicken i'm
gonna eat that and so common sense would tell you sushi's cold and hibachi's hot two different bags
this guy like stacked them on top of each other and the juices from the chicken were so accumulated
in the bottom of the bag that i had to take the bag and tip it into the sink like it was like
ounces and ounces of this bitch what's that what was his tip did you say already uh that should be
zero he didn't get a tip yeah i'm okay with that i'm even i i think i i complain i think 10 might
be a little generous for not coming to the door.
I've never ordered Postmates.
They're doing a lot of work.
They're going there.
They're getting it.
They're coming to me.
It's like Pizza Hut.
They're already there, right?
Yeah, yeah.
They're bringing it straight to you.
It's there and back again, a hobbit's tale.
But these guys, they're off at home or maybe just at a midpoint in the city,
and then they're going there, getting it, bringing it to you.
Okay.
The things that get you one-cent tips, though, which is what I do,
because Postmates is like, hey, time to tip Billy from Moe's Burritos
how much you want to give him, and you can't get away from it.
You can't just be like, no.
You've got to be like 10, 20, 30% or other.
Even in another environment,
once that tip makes it obvious
it was not an accident. Exactly.
That's what I do.
I have wanted this. It's not a big deal.
It's just what I want. I've wanted
this burger from McDonald's for a while now.
I've tried three times,
failed every time. Here's what I want.
It's not that crazy, I don't think. I've tried three times, failed every time. Here's what I want. And it's not that crazy, I
don't think. I want a
quarter pounder with cheese. Okay. But I
don't want any of the shit that comes on a
quarter pounder with cheese. I just want
the cheese. What I want is
all the ingredients. Bun, burger, and cheese.
So you just want a plain burger? No, no, no, no. Let me finish.
I want Big Mac
ingredients. I want special
sauce, lettuce, the diced
tiny onions, pickles
it's the shredded lettuce by the way
and that's it
I want the Big Mac toppings
but on a quarter pounder
I know that may be a little confusing
at first but just imagine
Big Mac toppings but you put them on the quarter pounder
I don't mean to brag but I've understood
this whole time.
Holy shit.
Three out of three times they have failed me.
And I don't mean they just get the burger
wrong because they've got the burger wrong every fucking time.
They get the whole combo
wrong. I'll be like, I want an unsweet tea.
I want a small order of fries.
I'm not looking to go crazy here.
I know it's an unhealthy burger to begin with.
I just want a small fry small fry a small fry
No matter what I do
I get sweet tea large fry and the burgers wrong and I've done it three times and I filed this big long
Complaint form every time and I type all this right now, you know of my concern
Has been posted
This is the third time I have attempted to order a quarter pounder and cheese with the specified ingredients.
This doesn't happen with any other restaurant.
I'm not sure to blame Postmates, McDonald's, or Crenicia.
So I'm blaming all of you.
I have a question, Kyle.
What do you do with your unsweet tea?
Are you drinking unsweetened tea, literally?
Or are you sweetening it?
Yeah, I put Splenda in it.
Or Sweet and Low.
I put a sweetener, like an artificial sweetener in there.
I don't drink a ton of caffeine.
And I was at a bar this last weekend.
And I drank the night before.
So I wasn't really wanting to drink.
And so I was there with some friends.
And I was like, you know what?
Unsweet iced tea kind of sounds good that's something i never order out and so i had
i totally forgot that iced tea has caffeine in it and so i drank i think like six of them i was just
guzzling these down and like as i was driving home with my girlfriend i'm like god i just i
i just in the last 20 minutes i feel so stressed out and jittery and anxious.
Like, why am I getting sick or something?
And she's like, well, you drank like six iced teas, babe.
And I was like, yeah.
Oh, why didn't you tell me that I was drinking something?
It's clearly her fault.
Well, after I got home with her and the phone book and a few stern words and my sock full of oranges
you know those are my tools they don't bruise as much women yep sock full of oranges but then
it really opened my eyes to how like how quickly your caffeine tolerance goes away like i stopped
using pre-workout i don't really drink soda anymore and just like five or six iced teas was
enough to make me feel like i was crawling out of my skin i didn't get to bed till like three o'clock in the morning you are to caffeine as i
am to alcohol here's my sinful drink now if so i try to drink water all the time i drink water
every meal it's the water is my drink why drink your calories the like sin to payoff ratio isn't
always there but if i am gonna sin on a drink arnold palmer which people don't know
is half lemonade and half unsweet iced tea and in my head that's only half a sugar drink i don't
know if it's true but that's my sin oh i love arnold palmer's yeah nice arnie palmy when you're
out mowing the yard or playing golf or whatever it's great you can put vodka in them which it
does not make it healthier it It makes it more caloric.
Yeah, it does.
Someone told me that your body is
an expert at converting alcohol
into body fat. Alcohol,
sugar, fat. And I'm like, oh, that
makes sense. It's not really
my weak spot, but yeah.
That only applies to the Irish.
They've got a streamlined
machine. I feel like you're neglecting
the native american indians out there taylor because they also turn alcohol into body fat
that's true native americans uh asians a lot of them i have a friend who's chinese and she
like every time we go out i don't think i've ever seen her drink a beer because like she'll get
immediately that like asian flush and just feel shitty right away.
And her husband, another friend of mine was like, yeah, we were at this restaurant once
and we were eating these mushrooms on a steak and she started getting these like hives.
And it was because they cooked the mushrooms in wine.
Like that was enough to trigger her reaction.
You know how you guys have heard probably that redheads have a bad pain tolerance,
that they sense pain more than the rest of us.
I wonder where I am on the spectrum.
Obviously not red hair, right?
But I've got the gene.
I've got my beard,
which is now gray,
used to be very red.
And my daughter,
red hair still.
My son, red hair till he was like 10.
It's all over this business here.
I wonder if i feel pain more
than other people do you require more what is it uh anesthesia isn't that a redhead thing i've heard
they need more to knock them out because i don't know yeah i do prefer it i identify as someone
with red hair really load me up yeah i again when i had my um the screws taken out of my broken leg
like a year ago i did everything i could to try to get like the fentanyl like cooking because when
i had my acl surgery that's my favorite memory of the whole ordeal right it wasn't the pt the
relationships or the workouts or what no i was just was just like, I really love my wife. This is great.
I just took a friend
for surgery and they got fentanyl.
They felt really groggy
and shitty afterwards, but I guess it did
the trick as far as you know.
Why do they use that instead of...
I don't know why they use it pre-surgery.
They tell you to make you feel good,
to take away the anxiety, etc.
Are they doing this because people freak?
Do they try to back out and undo it at the last second?
Big fentanyl.
But I'll tell you, asking them for fentanyl and telling them that fentanyl is your favorite part and joking about it, not a good way to get fentanyl, apparently.
No, that's how you get drug-seeking behavior written on your permanent file.
It didn't work for me at all.
Yeah.
This man also tries to get testosterone and dick pills,
so beware.
That's funny.
Wait, what did you get for Postmates?
You said something that doesn't sound like one of your usuals.
Yeah, I got...
Let me read what it's actually called. You said something that doesn't sound like one of your usuals. Let me read what it's actually
called. You say Fusion Grill?
I got
Fusion Lamb Mixed Grill. It's a
skewer of lamb kebab,
a skewer of beef, a skewer of lamb kofta,
and two lamb chops.
That sounds great.
Does it come with that Middle Eastern
rice pilaf and all that? It's really good?
It's like masaka or something like that.
It's this eggplant sort of side dish that's sort of sweet and sour and tangy.
I don't know.
It's a little bit of rice.
It'll be good.
That sounds really good.
My mouth's watering.
I bought a TV.
I love those Lebanese.
Oh, what'd you get?
Yeah, I got a 75-inch 4K LED TV.
I did not get the
OLED TV. Which one's better?
The Samsung. The OLED
is twice the cost. Wait, you got the Samsung
75 inch 4K smart
LED TV? We just bought the same TV.
Very nice. Very nice.
I got the 2018 model.
I did not get the 2019
model. We got the exact
same thing. You're missing the silver lining on the
bezel i don't know how you did i don't know what the big difference would have been this one says
samsung shinier but you'll be here uh it'll be your friday or uh yeah i think friday maybe thursday
i think in any case i'm looking forward to throwing that bitch up on the wall watching
some 4k that's saying are you gonna mount it or are you just going to stand it?
I'm going to mount it.
Dude, so I'm just writing it.
There is entertainment coming up that I am very excited about.
I feel like I've been in the entertainment rut for almost 18 months now.
I'm watching the Goldbergs, right?
It's a fine sitcom, but I don't even know if there's a new season.
I don't care.
Like, I'm not into it.
The fact that that's what you're into is a testament to the times where you're like,
before it was like Game of Thrones, The Wire.
Well, now I like this show called The Goldbergs and it keeps me from being sad.
It's really great.
The dad gets to call his kid morons and they just let it roll off their backs.
It's something we all wish we had. So anyway, we've got, well, on a smaller note,
the UFC fight coming up that will have both Jon Jones
and Ben Askren on the same card.
Looking forward to that.
I think that's a cool thing.
Robbie Lawler, like him.
But bigger stuff.
In the movie world, Captain Marvel's coming out.
I know it's not Taylor's cup of tea,
but I'm looking forward to that.
And even more, the Infinity infinity wars the other half of it
it might be called infinity wars end game you know the whole marvel and marvel avengers thing uh that
i'm very much looking forward to actually watched the first half just recently so that i was fresh
in my head as the next one comes out game of thrones comes out in april less than two months
from now i think and uh um that i watched season eight of game of thrones
so i could come into it sharp i've been watching fan theories and such you know like is um what is
the dancing master's real name sirio pharrell right that sounds perfect yeah um there are
theories that he's alive that he's actually jack and hagar there are theories that he's alive, that he's actually Jack and Hagar. There are theories that Jack and Hagar is actually
John's father,
which is like Hagar
back with Reagan something.
I'm a little...
That's my son.
All of these things make a lot of sense
when you watch a 12-minute video on it.
I think he does deserve the crown.
If you look at page 365,
paragraph 9, there's a
sentence that says that, which clearly
supports the theory that...
By the way, Hagar and Regan
switched around, have a lot
of letters in common. You think that's
true? I don't understand how that could be a theory.
Like, Bran straight up came out
and said it. Like, who his real parents
were. Like, of all the characters, I trust
Bran, because Bran isn't even Bran anymore. He's just... he's just ran the night king he's just the three-headed rave
or the three-eyed raven you've heard the theory where he's and you've heard the theory where he's
brand the builder yeah we debunked that though because what happens you can't spend too much
time warging into something otherwise you stay there you leave a permanent mark etc so it's very possible that he wargs into something from a long time ago and then just lives
that timeline out starting from way back when i i i'm so it's so long since i've been like uh
like like steeped in game of thrones i don't remember how but i remember us just having the
same discussion and and me being like ah but look it can't be because this this and that and we were all like oh yeah so he's not brand the builder okay okay okay
brand the builder there's pictures of him in the book like sitting on a cart he's sitting but but
it's medieval times like like i'm henry the eighth that means there were seven other henrys and one
of them was probably a builder you know like he was in the sitting position i don't see
how you can debunk this i mean they just keep using those names over and over and over like
like like how many johns are there in that fucking how many snow books right his name is john sand
yeah i remember that no no no i'm married so i also got some new boots i okay you got my boots yeah you're
styling nice new boots great meal of kebabs new tv i got these uh i got these new boots the other
day and i'm really a big fan of them i had been looking at those uh these are i'm gonna guess
sketchers because they've got chunky soles. These are Florsheim.
Oh.
F-L-O-R-S-H-E-I-M.
They were not cheap.
I labored over this decision for about two weeks before I finally pulled the trigger on these fancy boots.
I used to sell Florsheims when I was 15.
I was an Al Bundy shoe salesman.
Are you kidding me?
You're familiar with the Florsheim brand?
Oh, good brand. Good choice.
Yeah, that was back when you
literally laced up shoes and put them on people's
feet for them.
You know the thing about
ladies wishing they
were a smaller shoe size than they really are
and having to wrestle
them onto them? That's a real thing.
That's hilarious. That's a real thing that I did
and I didn't
like that job mostly because you had to really like try and force it do you know what size shoes
jackie wears no i literally don't man that's always a relationship question taylor do you know
what what size shoe that your young lady wears i do yes because I bought her shoes. What size? Six and a half.
That's a petite foot.
Are they jammed in there?
I don't know. I made a mistake.
You get the whole foot in your mouth, I bet.
Oh, well, that was a prerequisite to start dating.
It was, thanks for
we've had a fun dinner.
Let's go ahead and pop those suckers off
so you can put the whole thing in my mouth.
And then after that, I was like,
we're going to work out.
Man, I can't...
God bless you if you're into feet,
but I just...
That's the one that I don't think is that weird, really.
But I still...
My brain doesn't work in a way that I can get it.
I don't get it either that's
the least sexy part of a body i'm talking to a girl right now who likes being cut
christ that's weird yeah dude somehow feet are like kind of dirty cutter and yucky to me
you're gonna cut her nice yeah you need a consent form kyle oh i've got one yeah obviously but yes feet are like yucky and
always a little clammy or something in my head and i'm not into them yeah anuses you have my
attention yeah absolutely as long as the anus is clean it's fine yeah yeah yeah absolutely like i
don't get the feet thing so much. I've sucked a toe.
I'll pop a toe in my mouth.
I don't know if you've ever had your own toe suck,
but while it's not a sexual experience,
it does feel quite nice.
Hell, I like it when the dog licks him.
Well, I didn't want to branch out into...
I'm not alone in this.
Oh, come on.
Everyone knows this is good stuff.
Sure.
I like when the dog pulls my socks
off. That's always a helpful
like, hey, you are a man's best friend.
Get him off there. Yeah, shake him.
Yeah, run away with him and chew holes
in him. It was worth it.
So, but
yeah, she wants me to cut her.
How intense of a cut? Like an exacto
knife? Like a little beep somewhere?
Or blood flowing?
Like long long shallow cuts
are you gonna do this yeah yeah are you gonna have her take like a blood test or something first
uh yeah we already did that oh okay we'll have fun yeah yeah i don't i don't i don't like to do
that i don't want to injure her vaccinated Vaccinated. Here's my first thought.
If she's into it, she knows how much is too far.
I feel like I can scrape and leave red bloody lines with a paper clip.
I think we're going to do something to that.
That's going to be my first move, right?
Not with a paper cut.
With a knife.
Paper clip.
No, with a knife.
I hear you.
I understand.
You're correct.
Serrated knife
i feel like just the tip of the knife and you know some nice shallow
is that good enough we're done now right no shit you gotta ask this girl what her dad's like
it seems like she has a really good relationship with him. Seems like a nice guy. Okay. Yeah.
Well, I'm befuddled because that's not normal.
Yeah, yeah.
It's a little out there.
I've had girls ask me to do that before, and I turn them down flat. But she seems more grounded.
This is the only thing that's a little kooky.
And so I'm just like, all right.
Are you sure?
You like that?
She's like, yeah, I like it.
I don't want to scare you off or anything.
You don't have to do it, but it's what i'm into you know and it
yeah you know i've done it before i really enjoyed it then and uh you know little knife play i have
a thought me not knowing that i'm like good with knives or anything what if instead of cutting her
with the knife part we turned it around and cut her with the... Can we start this way?
The pointy tip of the knife?
Just the tip?
Yeah, I feel like I could...
I'm going in deep.
Not this particular knife.
But if the knife had a pointy angle on it...
Yeah.
I would not go too deep.
I might use a fork.
Did she have scars?
Little ones.
I couldn't see them.
She was like, yeah, look at this picture of my leg
or my thigh or whatever and i was like that could be anything that could be just like you i can't
see anything there she's like ah you could if you were here and i was like maybe i don't know but
nothing scary nothing crazy you're gonna like ask her like afterward like so is that the best
cutting you've ever had
have you ever had a knife that big before?
Is she far from you geographically?
Yeah, she's close
enough.
So you could drive and drive home in the same day?
She's not so far.
No, I'll just fly her in.
Okay, yeah.
I don't know
why I asked that.
I don't know. I guess that. I don't know.
I guess I'm just more comfortable.
Like, is she going to be able to come back later?
In my head, this doesn't make any sense.
But I'm like, you know, I'd be a little more comfortable cutting a girl who was local.
I don't know why.
It's what I'm thinking.
Like, I don't really want to have a girl come in from florida texas colorado and cut her
like that no no no she needs to be local to me for some reason if i'm with a girl freaking up
that she wants to get cut like i want to fly her in and then i want to like see her off at the
airport like and make sure there's no nice australian comes back yeah i like her i like
her she's pretty cool she's got a lot of hobbies.
I won't go into
them in great depth, but she's an excellent musician
and she's got a career
that's really cool.
I don't know. She's a very smart young lady.
She's...
Over 18.
27 or something like that.
She's an adult.
That sounds cool.
I hope things work out.
It is part of the package when a girl
does shit.
If she was nothing but
a pretty vessel, then that's not
as cool.
You want to move in? Move in. I don't give a fuck.
Four bedrooms here. Do it.
Maybe see how
the first cutting session... I got four bedrooms here. Do it. I mean, maybe see how the first cutting session goes.
No, I got four
bedrooms and a whole drawer full of knives, bitch.
You want to come here, let's do it.
Did you, like,
if she sends you a tit pic, do you send her
a picture of a Ginsu?
I have it, but
like, I kind of think
I'm gonna, good call.
I've got that RSK knife that we got from that sponsor that time. I kind of think I'm going to... Good call. I've got that RSK knife
that we got from that sponsor that time.
I'm going to fucking pull that bad boy off.
She asked me the other day.
She's like, what is RSK, by the way?
Does it mean rape or something?
I heard that somewhere, and I was like,
it's Rape Squad Killers.
You told her.
On the down low, we're the real sweet kids.
It certainly doesn't mean rape some kids.
No.
No.
I explained the whole thing
with a prank phone call.
We're making the guy feel uncomfortable.
I told him that we're called the Rape Squad Killers.
No, don't worry.
We're a church softball team.
That's our name.
We're a Baptist softball team. What are name um they're gonna say i don't know oh the um the knife that we sold i actually really like that knife it was yeah i
like that knife too that would be a good choice to do i think i don't know maybe lightweight for
quick easy cuts i think she'll bring her own knife b BYOK. I hadn't considered that.
Yeah, you just check it.
BYOK.
Text her that and see if she gets it.
She's like, oh, already taken care of.
I think we've already discussed that.
I think, you know, she's got knives.
She's like, when I pull a knife, I don't want you to get, like, creeped out or anything or freaked out.
And I was like, well, warn me first.
I hope this isn't too much.
But after you see the knife, if you could describe it, I'm intensely curious.
I'll take pictures of the knife.
That would be great.
I'll take pictures of the cutting.
Take pictures of the post-cutting wound.
I'm down for all this, although it's too much for me to ask.
Just to mess around, I'm going to send you a huge gash,
like a car accident.
Like, well, she told me to keep going and going
and before I knew it, arm was off.
Or just like a picture
of like one digit of a finger.
What if this is me
going, ah! And I'm holding
a whole wrist.
We got carried away. There's three teeth
flying out mid-air like the guy from earlier.
Well, this is fun.
Keep us posted with the fun. That is fun.
Keep us posted with the cutting.
I will do.
I want to know about the knife.
Yeah.
Well, let me go eat my food now.
I enjoyed PKN with you gentlemen.
Thanks for starting early.
I enjoyed it.
Now I've got the entire evening at my disposal.
Nice.
2.35.
Get the knife.