Painkiller Already - PKN 387

Episode Date: January 19, 2022

pkn387 just kyle and i because what he ran off for another mexican adventure or something he's in mexico right i don't fucking know um i heard the video he sent us i planned on watching like all the videos together so they told like a narrative that connected um but someone told me something about a jungle and i saw in that video he looked like he was walking in a jungle or something in a mountain i don't know what he's doing i mean he there was no backstory to it he just sent a video of him on the back of some mexican's bike and what he's filming himself like i this guy doesn't really speak english but i'm pretty sure he's taking me to the next town.

I'm going to just show some nameless Mexican man driving in front of the bike. So hopefully Woody isn't like a feature actor in a cartel film right now, and he actually takes me to the next town. Yeah, they're making him reenact all of the Mail Mondays like he's Simple Jack. You'll do Mail Monday number 347! Now! Tell us about masturbating again! Talk about it again!

Tell him what you do when your wife catches you! Now! Answer this pointed question from a 14-year-old to hear an adult talk about sex in a realistic way. He's sobbing, wearing a tattered male male monday shirt that they've had for a generation for some reason she catches me i think i finished me

do it a bit again now now a vietnamese for some reason these are mexican cartel members with me with cambodian accents i don't even know where i'm from man well i really really don't know where i'm from chang of cambodia or is it myanmar now no i don't know i know you get into that corner of the world i don't know what's happening i feel like you know how in africa you can like look at a map of africa and two years later go back and there's like new countries there's like conglomerations of countries they're always moving i feel like we always think like oh it's like africa that does that but like other than china and japan like that southeast asia area i feel like they're always moving i feel like we always think like oh it's like africa that does that but like other than china and japan like that southeast asia area i feel like they're

changing hands a lot yeah someone told me there was an african union the other day and i is that a real thing or were they just joking i don't even know there's a european union there's a youtube video recommended to me yesterday and i didn't watch it but it was called why is africa still poor honestly i'm not watching this there's no way i can watch this damn that sounds boring yeah it probably has nothing to do with white people why is africa still poor and it's just like the screen becomes a mirror it's you it's because of you it's africa driving a bicycle and it's just like being shitty they fall over why did you do this to me i mean really it's like this video brought to you by monsanto and it's like you know who's

keeping them poor it's actually individuals like you from western nations multi-billion dollar international conglomerate it's not us it's not us it's you and your straws it's like oh come on fuck off no it's falling for that it's us that did it to them they'd probably be okay if it were for us we did america not america colonialism in general right like the europeans for the most part i'm sure we didn't i mean if there was ever a time when like some yeah they were rocking and rolling before colonialism right yeah yeah yeah i mean you know from the uh from the slave trade to like the British colonialism to like, there's a reason why like eight of those African countries speak like

Dutch or Portuguese or something. There's this, like all the other Africans have their cool native click click language and this guy's like oh, I say my good sir. I can't help you. I'll do it for you. Yeah, yeah. It's wild.

The language and stuff. The the british were makes sense though like when when they finally boot out the british or the french or whoever it is you're not gonna everybody already knows those languages and those languages are easier to to speak to like the other like to france and shit yeah i'm sure you don't want everybody to relearn a language i'm sure all all the native Africans happily learned English. They could better get along with their tribal brothers just across the way. Well, they had to be able to read the road signs. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Literacy came right along. No, it hasn't played out very well over there. I don't like to read about sad parts of the world. I prefer that because it makes the the the failures here seem seem small in comparison it's like yeah we haven't repaired the roads in two generations but you know we don't live in huts and nobody's ever forcibly circumcised me that's the worst i mean yeah the female clitoral removal yeah i was watching uh i gotta put an end to that. I've recommended Nip Tuck a few times, but the episode I watched the other day,

it's an older show, older episode, obviously, but this lady was a victim of female genital mutilation, right? They cut her clitoris off and everything with a piece of glass when she was like, I don't know, five or seven or something like that. What they did was they took the tip of her little toe and

sewed it on and I can't connect, connect the nerves. And she's smoking hot, by the way. She's like, I can never have an orgasm. And like one of the doctors is like playboy Ferrari driving plastic surgeon guy. And he's like, I got this. He's just like, go. He's like, takes her to the moon. Yeah. And can't get anything done with her, with her toe cl clit and uh and he tells the other doctor this he's like he's like yeah she's not uh the stimulation is really isn't doing anything for you know who would like that a foot fetishist yeah oh god that'd be the dream fucking come true absolute dream there's still a toenail on it there are a lot of people who are like that right who

they can't help that the weight that what they are who they are what they look like just happens to correspond to a fetish right like they can't help it like like redheads are like the most vanilla version of that it's like yeah i've got red hair oh you really like that huh no no i really like it like i'm going to collect it out of your hairbrush out of the bottom of the shower i'm gonna make a hair doll i would like to eat it i will cough it back up and i will keep furballs yes that will all happen like there are people who are like that and say oh no big deal you like redheads teehee but then there are people who are like yeah for whatever reason you will never look like anything but a tired 14 year old girl you know what i mean there's like you look like a sleepy 14 year old for the rest of your life and uh, and, and they can't find a man who isn't a fucking pedophile,

but who's like into a 14 year old. And it's a real problem because they're like, I want someone who likes me. You always say that, right? I want someone who likes me for me. And they're like, I want someone who doesn't like me for me.

I want someone who doesn't know that I look like their 15 year old daughter 10 years ago. Like, you know, did you see that? There's like a video online I saw of this, this woman, this poor lady who still looks like she's eight or nine, but she's in her twenties and she's like teeny tiny. Yeah. And like, it's like interviewing her and she's like, yeah, I just want, I just want a normal life, but everyone wants to date me as a pedophile. That's very true.

Let's say you match with that girl on Tinder after just a flurry of it. I don't know what I would do. If I got matched back from her, I'd be first like, you're an adult? Sorry, I kind of just shotgun approached this. You were one of many. Yeah. Okay, okay. Oh, you're 25. Oh, sorry i kind of just shotgun approach this you were one of many yeah okay okay oh you're 25 oh there's a driver's license do you want to meet up in public no no no i don't i don't think that's i mean how about okay chucky cheese and the worst part is like from my point of view like even if i did see within this 25 year old who looks like a 15 year old like like some great person right it was some funny intelligent like well-spoken successful person

it's like fuck can i date this person and get and not have people think that i'm a pedophile because i'm dating this person i love whenever i would see shack with with like um that tiny little girl that he was banging or whatever, don't get me wrong. She in no way looked like anything but a hot woman. But she was just so tiny. There was almost something weird about how tiny she was. I wonder... Everybody just assumes that Shaq has a monster dong.

If it's just average, it has to look so little. Dude, if Shaq has an average dick he that look that's got to look terrible yeah yeah it wouldn't make sense at all it would look awful um it would be like like i hope for his sake that it's it's just a a mondo dong i mean that would be a like imagine he's got imagine he's got like a respectable above average dick. And like, send a picture of it. Send a picture of you jacking off with your dinner plate hands. And he's like, fuck. You ever see a porno where they're doing this number?

When they got two fingers going? Like, furiously, these two little fingers. That's what Shaq's doing to his dick. No, but they're Shaq hands. But no one would believe that. No, no. Well, hopefully he's hung for his sake. I mean, he doesn't have anything else going for him.

Well, he's got that show that he does where he makes fun of Charles Barkley, and then he's got those car insurance commercials. 1-800-GENERAL-NOW. And I'm like, man, what are they paying Shaq? Doesn't this guy have three championship rings or something like that? And he's just hawking that that car insurance i don't know anything about basketball and nothing less than nothing but i know like i like shack like he he just seems like a likable guy you know he makes little

appearances on like the nhl side of things sometimes and he's very naturally like charismatic and funny and doesn't really matter if he doesn't know what he's talking about. He'll still just kind of goof off. The same kind of shit like Charles Barkley and him do on the basketball side. Charles is really mean. I don't know if you watch. I don't follow basketball either, but if something happens in any kind of thing, I kind of pick it up tangentially.

I've seen Charles Barkley really shit on modern players, and I've seen Sha Barkley like really shit on like modern players. And I've seen Shaq do the same thing. And whenever they bring up to Shaq anything, he starts talking about championships. How many you got? How many championships you got? Oh, you didn't want any championships. You played your whole life at the game you love and you never won. How much that feel?

How much that feel to never be a champion? In fact, if we look at it that way, to in fact be a lifelong loser at what you love. How does that feel? How much does that feel to never be a champion? In fact, if we look at it that way, to, in fact, be a lifelong loser at what you love, how does that feel? Like, you should just quit, and I hope you quit. But truly, I hope you don't quit so that you can lose more while I watch with my friends at home on a pile of money with my championship rings. Like, he's just so fucking cruel. My special bed. Oh, yeah. Like, he's just mean as fuck like like

he'll hold it he's wearing the goddamn rings a lot of time he'll hold them up and they'll be like oh you don't want more it's like you just stay with kobe but i didn't i left kobe and i still want some rings didn't i you never won one by yourself or with anybody ever it never would have mattered and jesus christ sounds like he actually doesn't like him they're mean they're mean as shit on there and i think the drama is why people watch but like these like millionaire famous basketball men have like i don't know they don't like it when people talk shit to them so like like like it irks them that if they didn't win a championship it irks them if they only won one like these guys are seriously upset about that shit from a decade, two decades, three decades ago.

And Charles Barkley will bring that mean shit up. And so will Shaq. It's funny. They like they found a good formula for making the like in between quarters or halves or whatever entertaining for basketball. Like I've I've been around friends. I have a lot of friends who are very into basketball and they'll be watching it when I'm at their place. And I don't give a shit about the game but i do think like stephen a smith having a conniption about something that i don't even really get i'm like okay this is this is keeping my attention i

wish that the nhl did something more like this and they because they're with tnt now they have started that and they like brought charles barkley over to like try and lend some of his energy to it and like let wayne gretzky shoot out shoot on him and it's like immediately like you can see Charles Barkley like trying to teach Gretzky how to be like a sports figure because Gretzky is a the an autistic man who is whose thing is hockey I've seen it's ever been and the best that ever will be no one will touch his records for the most part sure but he's not an entertainer at all no not at all and like even people who like once in a while he'll like chirp back like because they do their little thing and like some bruiser who's on the panel who's known for being a jokester will be like oh gretz that's not very that's even worse than your coaching career or whatever the fuck

gretzky will be like you know, more points and more assists than anyone ever got points. Who's counting, right? He's like, I remember, Biz, didn't you play 200 games? Yeah, you had almost as many games as I had points in one of my down seasons. And it's like, oh, you can't riff with someone who can just pull out big dick stuff like that. But he's not doing it in a jokey way as good as like Barkley. He's trying to.

That's why I don't think it would work if Michael Jordan were on that show with Barkley and Shaq. He'd take it very seriously, whereas I feel like Shaq and Barkley are doing it for the bants. And he would win. I feel like every conversation ends with Michael Jordan saying, and then who won? No, no, no.

And then who won? No, the ring, Charles. This one. it's this one this is the ring we're talking about yeah like it could it could get so you could go to that mean place they're all like that it seems like real they're very competitive people that's how they got where they were is yeah you know i don't feel like anybody regardless of what sport it is is just so good they make it there like there was there's one guy i can think of in the nhl his name was alexander diegel a russian guy and he was so good he had all the talent and they'd be like what were you doing in the off season he's like do anything but hockey and they're like so you

weren't training he's like no i hate this game like why why do you hate it it's just it bothers me i don't care about game they're like but you're so good do you realize how much better you could be if you tried he's like i'm good enough i'm good as he is i'm good enough that's that's gotta be like really frustrating for a fan because you want to see someone like push this game or whatever it is any skill-based thing to like it's max. So like the, the human potential, like max it out.

And then you got a guy who's just like, they pay me to go at 60% and they pay me well. Yeah. And it's like, fuck man, come on. You can hit it like 50, 60% harder if you want it to,

huh? Like, can you skate faster than that? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. But they're paying for 60%. They're not getting 61.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm sure there's a lot of people like that i always wonder about the people who never picked a sport um or the people who picked the wrong sport like their dad or whoever like guided them into a thing or maybe it's like like i know it it doesn't seem like a lot of black people are like into swimming right like and what he always talks about how like those like nba like physiques that long like powerful physique that a lot of those nba player players have have is the perfect swimmer's body.

He was always glad that those guys that were going out for the ball team weren't coming to compete with his ass over there. He was like, fuck. Meanwhile, it's never crossed their mind. Basketball is what they want to play. It's just a... No, there's never been a hard-working black mother be like deontre like grabbing by the shoulders you look into my eyes boy because if you don't

swim hard tomorrow we're not gonna make it boy and he's like i'm trying to tell you there's no career for swimmers even if i'm like third best i'm gonna have to work at hardy's in the offseason if you don't get that michael phelps money we ain't gonna make it boy like that ain't never even if I'm like third best, I'm going to have to work at Hardee's in the off season. If you don't get that Michael Phelps money, we ain't going to make it boy. Like that ain't never happened. That's never happened. I mean, Michael Phelps had to like inspire a generation of swimmers only to realize

like, Oh, it wasn't because he was a good swimmer. It's because he was Michael Phelps, like the Michael Jordan of swimmers. Like that's the reason, like even who was that other guy? Like,

like the other, there was reason like even who was that other guy like like the other there was some other american who was really really good at the time of phelps and who would like win sometimes cannot remember that dude's name because who cares no it's a really good example of how our media um does things with like other things you know like with politics or um yeah a shooting or whatever the hell they'll build a little star to like throw their flag behind for the olympics every every every time i remember when it was apollo anton ono you remember this guy his name is is such that i can't forget it right you can't you can't forget apollo anton ono it's no one else's name that shit it's a cool name yeah i

want to say he was like an american speed skater i think that was his sport and he was the guy right as the winter olympics were like coming up they're like and all eyes turned to apollo anton ono america's chance at winning three golds and two like they've already decided how many golds he's gonna win how many silvers he should win and he goes out there and like dropped an egg the way i remember and then then one year there was a skier we had like snowboarder skier oh sean white and no no all right sean white's legit like i think he just always wins when they let him smoke his weed but then there was another guy and they were like he's the bad boy of skiing and he was just he was some kind of an he's like an asshole jock douchebag and he's a skier but also a violent convicted felon.

That. They're like, he's the cool guy of skiing. He's the guy who smokes a cigarette after he finishes his run. And he went and also couldn't handle the pressure and failed at everything. Like fifth place, sixth place shit. And it's clear that they're just like, hey, we'll pick this guy. Here's a good looking young man who has the potential to win a medal, and he would be good on this and that.

They're just making up something to drive the narrative, the same way they do anything else. That Kyle Rittenhouse thing was so wild. I'm still talking to people about that. I don't care about it. I didn't follow it. Who gives a fuck? But people will bring it up to me.

Can you believe he got away? And I'm like, well, I don't know. I didn't really watch the court proceedings, but everything that I heard outside of it, just the people i know but i watched the video i watched the video and you know i watched the i saw an interview or two and it seemed like it seems wrong to say that he was in the right but it also seems wrong to say that he was in the wrong like i don't i don't think he did anything and like but the he's a racist and i'm like then why didn't he shoot any black people that racist was busy shooting whitey

left and right like like like what was why why why is he locking on the white people and why do you only shoot the white people who were trying to attack him and it's weird and i've had this conversation with two different people don't i'm not trying to make it sound like like like i walk around this is the conversation of the day or anything i've had it twice and one of the people didn't know that it was white people that kyle had shot even and and i was like you know don't feel bad because i didn't know until the trial that he had only shot white people i assumed that like maybe he is a racist i bet he went there when they were 15 it seems like he shot a bunch of black people that sounds awful

we better convict this guy and then they were like no these are the victims here's uh here's james smith the pedophile here's dean moore the wife eater the wife eating communist and and here's rocco the the gang member who flew into town to land it's just a video who lives even further away than kyle rittenhouse yeah yeah that was wild to just see like how many false narratives were just foisted as fact like blue check like journalists are like he went in there with a gun an illegal gun and mowed down black people and it's like that did not happen like that it did not and it is like kind of a funny take that people are like they were just white people. It doesn't matter. It did.

Why would you be mad? They're just white people like that. I've seen that like stupid neocon kind of take where they're like, you can't be racist because they were white people. And it's like you realize by saying that that you about any race or or belief or view system that prior to today he was shooting because people were attacking him and whether they were attacking him because he was there like an asshole with a gun underage in a place he shouldn't have been or not is irrelevant i think according to the law according to the court that like decided the thing right like like we can argue it was just stupid so many arguments you heard oh he was he was good he was those people

were trying to stop a mass shooting it's like really they there was an active mass shooter well no oh when did the shooting start well when they attacked him yeah oh okay so it's not at all what you tried to lead people to believe them like you knowingly lied and tried to stoke up division uh journalist man it's nonsense um i've been having so much fun in tarkov like like i'm gonna i'll keep it short but like those of you who listen to like play tarkov i found two more marin keys like the marin key is hyper, hyper rare. I spawned with two of them and a Dorms marked key. I have all the marked keys

and I have three Marin keys somehow. It's a stupid rare thing. I only know one other person with a marked key and I don't know anyone with a Marin key. It's been real lucky so far. I've been having a blast. I've been doing nothing. Not even like Vanguard.

Not Vanguard. Whatever his name is. The fucking Landmark. Not even the Landmark and Pastilli. They don't even have that shit yet? I don't know. I don't watch them enough to know what keys they have. That would be wildly lucky if you got something that neither of them did,

considering they're playing even more than you. I wouldn't know. I don't know if they found it or not, or who has. It's really a luck-based thing, because it's not even like I found it in a box. You can do this thing where you play as a scab character and they assign you a random loadout, and they're like, hey, try to play with this for a little while.

And more than anything, it's kind of cool if you're playing as a PMC character that there are these human controlled shitty ai uh characters out there like some guy just happens to be on the map with a pistol so he'll play like a real rat and sneak around like it adds a new component of the game but part of that random loadout is you can start with like really valuable things and that keeps happening to me somehow uh despite the fact that i have terrible scav reputation in the game but yeah i've been playing that a ton i've just been working out eating working out eating constantly level 36 or something like that like stupid high for like how

long i've been playing because i've only been playing for two weeks um just having last time you said you were 32 and it isn't every single level the equivalent of every level before it not quite they not that's the last level it they changed that somehow like like i there's i've seen it before it's a lot it takes a long time to do but um it's uh i don't think it's quite what it quite double the last level or anything but it takes a long time it's a hard game to rank up in if you don't know what you're doing a little bit i don't't really know what I'm doing, but I'm playing a lot, and it's fucking fun. It's just fun to kind of co-op with your friends,

especially when you're getting as lucky as I am. It's been a lot of fun. That's a mean fucking game. The VoIP now, like... The cooperation you can do is... Yeah, lots of verbal altercations. We look for them. You can use it to

your advantage and manipulate people so well because like you can pretend like you're on the they're on their team you can run into a building at night they'll shoot at me and and i was like oh what are you doing shooting me so what are you talking about you're wearing like you set gear and i'm like yeah we killed the you sex this is our gear what do you fuck you saw us and i'm lying of course i was like you think you think we ran into this house didn't see you standing next to the kitchen table and just walked past you we're not idiots we saw you we we right we scope we did an ocular pat down noticed you were a friendly and moved along and you, noob, shot off like crazy, freaking out in the dark. No. And he's just like,

fuck, I'm sorry. I'm kind of new. And it's like, psych! That's what we did. We're like, yeah, just kidding. And like ran down and shot him. And you can hear his voice. He gets to talk for like a quarter, half second after he's dead.

And he's like, I fucking knew. It's fun. It's fun. You didn't know it or you'd be the one standing over our bodies. Yeah. And at the same time, like sometimes somebody's like, can you not? I just really need help. And I'm so poor.

And it's like, really? All right. Come with us. Come with us. No, come on, buddy. Come on. We're not going to do it again. Oh, yeah. Here's a little money on the No, come on, buddy. Come on. We're not going to do it again. Oh, yeah?

Here's a little money on the floor for you. You got to spend over and take... Yeah. If someone's naked in the wilderness, can you be like, dance for me and I'll let you live? Yeah, yeah. You can absolutely do that. And they'll do it in this game.

People are weird like that. If you catch a scav who's got a pistol and you and your boys are geared up and it's clear there's no fight to be had, you come with us, little man. It's like, what? But no discussion. You come with us. We're doing the scav extract.

No, you're crawling back to base. Get on all fours. Dance. You dance good. You dance sexy. You shoot at their feet like it's an old Western. We've done that before, too. We've shot at their feet. There's minefields now've done that before too we've shot at their feet um

there's minefields now so i think the play now is to force them to walk into the minefield see this sounds like a bunch of fun if it weren't for like having to take little breaks to apply chapstick and in a bunch of bullshit like that yeah yeah you have no idea you got to eat and drink i'm having too much fun riffing on the game and then i die of dehydration like i don't want that that would happen that would happen a lot it would um it's it's it's been a lot of fun playing uh it's been doing really well on twitch for everybody uh so i think the game's been growing and that means there's a lot of new players which are always fun and anything you know yeah you know cod was like every year when christmas noobs the christmas noobs would come in and they'd be spinning around

in circles and getting their sensitivity fixed and all that level one shit. And caught it, though. That level one kit worked pretty good. It was okay. You just didn't have a red dot. That was the main difference. In this game, it's like, hey, you get a pencil. Yeah, give him the pencil.

Yeah. What do I do with this? Well, best you can, faggot. Up your ass. Yeah. Loser. Yeah. There's best you can, faggot. Up your ass, loser. Yeah. There's nothing you can do.

Like, everybody else is so far ahead. They don't even give you, like, the opportunity or the tools to, like, get better shit. You're just kind of fucked. It's rough. What's this, Zach? You got a little story for us? Are you drinking soda with ice out of a glass? That's very fancy.

I didn't have any cold sodas. They were all warm. So, yeah, soda in the glass with ice. I hate ice in my soda. I don't like it, but it's better than warm soda. It's not too much. Every time I order a diet Pepsi or something at a restaurant and they fill the whole thing with ice,

it makes me drink like six sodas over the course of the meal because I want to drink it while it's all good and fizzy not wait and then let them be nursing some half watered down shit oh shit the um the witcher you were telling me to watch the witcher uh i am done with the first season my wife and i have been going through that over the last week at night together that song's catchy right the the intro song just a coin to your witcher oh god i i i kept telling my wife i was sitting there like watching it like she was like you know i like the main guy and i'm like you know i like the main guy too gerald gerald that guy's awesome and i'm like i I really I can't wait for this bard to die, though.

I thought she was going to go. No, the bard. He's clearly the star. No, she doesn't dislike the bard nearly as much as I do. But we both are annoyed by the bard principally. He is that toss a coin to your witcher. Like if there would have been some sort of boom mic accident that that killed him mid-shot like it would have been like good thank god this show can get along it's i i don't i don't like him he's not he's not funny he the only purpose he does and it's not even that good is trying to pull bits of humanity

out of gerald i understand his function in the story but it's a ham-handed way he does it which i guess it does make sense if the whole thing is the witchers don't really have emotional responses to things you need someone a bit ham-handed to really drive home the annoyance to get him to even respond in a small way yeah i like his character i think he's a good foil to to like gerald gerald is sort of like a he he has emotions they they mention that several times. Like, I heard witches don't have emotions. And you sort of see like

an imaginary tear that he can't allow to fall. He looks up at them and you can tell what he wants to say. He wants to say, we wish we couldn't fail. We really do. And he just wants to start crying because he's lived such a sad life. Like, that's what he's he's thinking but uh no i like the bard and wait till next season because

he gets jacked really okay maybe i'll let him and me are on the same fucking dosage lat during the off season i think is there an explanation or he just gets huge not only is there no explanation but clearly he asked them to like work in like a shirtless scene because like there's a there's that scene of uh gerald right in the bathtub all steamy there's a couple of them he takes he takes a lot of baths for a for a badass and um he's always shirtless and looking good and it's clear that this guy was just like yo yeah i'll come back for season two but uh i want a shirtless scene this time and they're like but how would we work that in just say i'm smelly.

I don't give a fuck. Don't give a fuck. I'm huge now. As soon as I'm on screen, popping this shirt right off, popping it right off, and I'm getting wet. You're getting wet? I'm getting very wet. I'm getting right into a river.

Yeah. While Jarrett watches. Wait, huh? Yeah, do it. Write it. It's happening. And they did it. And he just randomly, he's just like, you know what?

I feel like a bath. They're walking down the road. randomly he's just like you know what i feel like a bath they're walking down the road and he's just like pow he like pops the shirt off and he's he man he's i can i can see the shirtless photos here of him just standing in the lagoon yeah like there this is not what this man looks like in this season no he doesn't have delts in this season there's there's nothing muscular about him but he's got delts and big pecs and just like like he's just yoked dude good for him though for basically having to play the foil to gerald who that actor henry cavell i think his name is is huge like he's just a he's a big early strong guy superman yeah and for this other guy to be like yeah i i'm not gonna get as big as

him that's not possible but let me get kind of big right please like yeah good for him i like okay you know what i like the bard a little more now the the most annoying part of the show was the first three episodes when jennifer is so obviously a normal looking girl who's like sticking out her he's got her marlon brando jaw and like a fake humpback and it is just like over the top when like everybody's you know making fun of her oh you little piglet you little fucking cripple and it's like can we just i i don't i don't know anything about that story but i even told my wife while we were sitting down i'm like can they please just get to the part that they make her normal looking with witchery or something and she's like i know this is just distracting

she couldn't she all the jaw stuff was it was like lord underbottom from family guy like that under two whatever it is so i remember that that was like one of stewie's like no i i think i think i was of a different opinion than most people but whenever i point this out to them they usually agree to me uh with me um so i didn't play the video game a ton but i have i own it i played it a bit and i don't know the backstory a ton because i haven't read the books or look into the lore i don't watch any of those videos for this series but yennefer is supposed to be like smoking hot like like i did i remember that from the from the video game i was like like i think it begins with a sex scene or something or like she's like in a bed or getting out of bed after sex and she's just like a perfect looking woman like she's a cartoon fantasy

woman she's like a cortana or whatever like and and then like in this it's like that chick's okay looking that's a pretty woman yeah that is a pretty woman that is not like a perfect 10 like oh my god they must have used magic to make you in the water you mean well in the lore they used magic to make her that goddamn hot like that's the only way it would work right i i think that's what it seemed yeah like even in the in the show right there they they like cut out they give her up they cut out her like uterus like a hysterectomy yeah yeah like like dude take it take it like like like yeah if we can fix all this i like how the one guy was like what'd you have like a little club foot or something and she's like and i'm they're playing it off like no she

was a hunchback freak and it's like ah you're okay looking you weren't that bad that dude she's banging is like that that smoking hot like black wizard man like like she got him as a hunchback like that she's not that bad looking that's how you know before but that guy was that guy was also horny in a dungeon yeah the problem is she's she's too pretty before the transformation and too ugly after yeah yeah there should have they should have gone with like a boily skin thing instead of the jaw the problem is hollywood doesn't hire the ugly anymore okay to play ugly roles yeah it's like ste Steve Buscemi and that's it. Yeah, he's the best at being ugly. Oh, and that guy who...

What's that guy's name who's like, Never challenge a Sicilian in a battle of wits! Oh, he doesn't have that. He doesn't have a wits! He's got a little bit of that. You know that guy, the really ugly one. Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line!

Yeah! But he doesn't have that. I can't think of his name. I do like that actor a lot. Yeah, he's good. He's ugly also. That guy... That guy that gets made fun of on Family Guy

for how ugly is Ron Howard's younger brother. Yeah, yeah. Clint Howard. Clint Howard. I think it's Clint. Yeah, yeah. He was in. Have you ever seen him?

Isn't it? Is it the Ice Cream Man or something like that? He plays the homicidal Ice Cream Man. I've seen that. And then he like he kidnaps the kids. And it's a very disjointed horror film because they're trying to like build it up. We're like oh this this ice cream man was bullied and that's why he's lashing out but it's like

the flashbacks of him getting bullied were like nerd and then he's like cutting children apart and putting them in ice cream and feeding them to other children it's like at some point he crossed the rubicon here he's he's not a sympathetic character. No, I haven't seen that one before, but I know he's in it. And he's just always the ugly guy in movies. And meanwhile, his brother is like, was Opie, right? Like he started off with that awesome gig as a child actor. I wonder if he might know. I wonder if everyone still knows that he plays played Opie.

Or even I asked him by the other day, hey, did you ever watch the Andy Griffith show growing up? They're like, no, I'm not old, fuck. He goes, when did you think I was born? And I went, fuck, 2002, right? 2002? Oh, yeah. See, this came out, this series finale, 1968. Yeah.

All of our parents were children. Yeah, they wrapped up right around the time we got to the moon. A little before that. That was still science fiction. We were still losing the space race when this wrapped up. I like The Witcher overall.

There was a serious problem with the time shifts. yeah they and you know like i felt almost like i felt like stupid when i was watching it when i would like be like a minute into a scene and i'd be like wait that character oh this is the past and it's like then after like six seven by the end of the season like you you get it like the finale kind of wraps it up but like episodes five six seven like you're i'm watching it and it's like okay i get that i'm supposed to be picking up on the context clues that tell me what time period this is but two of these characters that

we're following are entirely ageless they do not age there is no differentiating factor between yennefer and gerald in any of their timelines and they do a poor job of aging the characters and de-aging the characters who do age like the queen you know like the lioness of Cintra like like the badass queen who I liked a lot I could have liked a lot more of her um like her own show even like she she's a better act she may have been the best actor and the best character that would that that we that we've seen on the Witcher. Cause like, like she seemed cool.

I wanted more of her. Yeah. I like, I like that. She, I liked her, uh, that her like husband that she had like married from over the seas.

And he was just like, they're just always talking about fucking like they clearly actually like each other. And like, he knows his place though. He knows that he's got like a high T woman who would probably have him killed. If he,

if he tried to take a little bit too much power from her uh i liked all of that shit but they didn't like i was like wait oh that's the granddaughter now we were that generation happened between this time and last time where's the porcupine man i didn't catch what happened to him and then when you wrap it all up you're just like oh okay well i really wish they'd made this more obvious because because i could have understood the show as i watched it not post watching it like you understand the winter after you've seen it and you think back and put the pieces together that you that you've uh kind of it's really it's not it's not a show that has a lot of twists and turns that would throw you off that it is a very straightforward tale and it's not a show that has a lot of twists and turns that would throw you off. It is a very straightforward tale and it's straight up just bad filmmaking,

just bad disjointed writing and filmmaking that doesn't. So I bet they've spoken about this publicly, either the writers, the producers, the actors, someone's probably spoken about this publicly and explained it. I think they were just trying to get cute or maybe they do this in the books, you know,

the, the out of order thing. But or maybe they do this in the books, you know, the out-of-order thing. But they do point it out in the second season because the bard becomes famous. This isn't really a spoiler, but the bard becomes famous because of that song, Toss a Coin to Your Witchernal. He's a bit of a celebrity. Now he's got some cool clothes. That's probably why he got

yoked. He's a little more... Yeah. He's famous enough that people are like oh you're the bard oh and this guy this guy starts critiquing his his music he's like you know my daughter loves you but i i'll be honest you know he's like critiquing his his music and he's like really not going for it uh i lost my train of thought wait what is the the bard is having his music critiqued because he's jacked now and he's famous and he's a bit of a celebrity he's got nice clothes now he's got nice shit well at least it's a it's oh when the guy's

critiquing the bard song he says i didn't really like the part where you know you move back and forward through time i couldn't keep up with part where you know you move back and forward through time i couldn't keep up with all the timelines and it was really disjointed it didn't make a lot of sense and what was the point like why even do that and he's just like if you don't like the story the way i tell it maybe you uh tell your own story but but they're kind of like admitting like yeah we yeah we kind of fucked up we made that very confusing for you guys, didn't we? Sorry about that.

They could have made it a more successful show if the first season wasn't so disjointed. So many people I bet quit watching around episode three because they were just like, wait, what the fuck? Wait, why are there like two little blonde princesses who look so much alike? Did they recast the princess? Like, you might know. That was confusing. Yeah. princesses who look so much alike did they recast the princess like you might know confusing yeah like why does she look like they put age lines on her and she's in the body of an 11 year old girl why yeah what the fuck they're um and i don't know where they find girls that blonde like both of

those actresses those little blonde girls i've never seen people that blonde in real life they're almost albinos like white it's like uh girl's hair almost oh yeah yeah i i like that look i like what they've done with henry cavill's face and everything i like the creators of this show love colored contacts and they want you no no so so this is one of the things that people you uh talked about early on about how this show was at least in some ways better than uh game of thrones because game of thrones wouldn't lean as heavily into the fantasy elements they were afraid it was going to like push off the uh the more conventional audience the people that that if they're going to like get the sopranos type people to come over and watch this then maybe don't have it be so kooky and and for some reason

they thought that purple eyes were that's where they drew the line not at dragons or magic with uh with denarius because denarius is supposed to have these violet covered eyes colored eyes and the witcher is just like yeah you can do that real easily and make it look right so like yennefer's eyes that's got to be cgi of some kind like that can't be just contacts like yeah i don't know what they are but they do there's a lot of them and it does look the the orange eyes for Geralt look very cool I like those makes him because it kind of makes sense demonic or animalistic at the very least like I think that's the idea um and I kind of like I'm again I haven't looked into the lore but I this isn't a spoiler it's more of a like kind of thing to maybe keep your eye on or

my or think about this way because i guess the idea is because you know it's it's a world where there's magic and fucking monsters and shit they don't really explain that but i guess the idea is that there were nine realms or something like that and i don't know if they're talking about physical realms in that there were like nine planets it sounds more like they're talking about nine dimensions of like space-time and they like converged for a moment and when they did like the humans fell off into the elf world and but but so did the monsters from the monster world and the trolls and the goblet like a bunch of people got dropped off on this plane of existence and now they're all cohabitating when they're supposed to be from their like various dimensions interesting so that's why you've got elves and humans and all the magic and all that nonsense.

I don't like how they did dwarves. Really? You don't like it? I like in Lord of the Rings how it's like, the whole perk of being a dwarf is they're stocky, they're strong, very good stamina. They're short, and that's their downside, but that's it. And so it made sense, even in The Hobbit, that terrible movie, they're all and that's their downside but that's it like and so it made sense even in the hobbit that terrible movie like they're all similarly sized they in this show they just get a bunch

of midgets and like there's some of them who are like the four foot eight type of midget and there's other ones who like two foot five type and it's like they're not doing anything to like correct the sizing so it's just a bunch of little people running around and it's like they're not doing anything to correct the sizing. So it's just a bunch of little people running around. And it's like it doesn't feel like a real competition. Like the elves have their benefit. The humans have their benefit. They stole the benefit away from the dwarves and just made them like a bunch. Like one of those guys was walking around with like a fucking claw hammer, like a two-handed weapon.

He was so little. He's from St. Louis. Don't fuck with him but i didn't like that and i also i think they've done a pretty good job with the monsters so far i was expecting uh like some more almost uh what's that show called the supernatural style like silliness but they did a pretty good job i like them so it is massive it's the budget is way more than you think i think it's 10 10 million an episode 15 million an episode something crazy like that i had maybe 20 it was it was wild when we read it i don't recall exactly just uh way more than you would think it gets better in season two because that my complaint from season one was that there were a couple of monsters that look like shit that very first fight he has but like some sort of like that's why i thought it was going to be rough yeah he

fights us like man it's like i wish that like wish they'd ran this by me that's what it's what i want to say before they allow people to see this on netflix okay i could have gave them some pointers here their first scene their opening scene is him fighting the worst cgi monster in the whole series like i've seen every episode now that was the worst monster that they ever put on screen as far as like believability and like how it looks and it looked okay for especially it gets better as they go like like this for the new season has a ton more monsters like i think he fights three monsters in the first season in the game you're always fighting monsters it's what you do so like every time you turn a corner there's a scorpion monster that has been disappointing there hasn't been nearly enough monster fights i i get it they're

setting the stage or at least attempting in their poorly written way to set the stage for other things i would like i hope the next season has some information and backstory on the Witcher schools. Oh, you're going to love it then. Because like what's going on? What's happening there? We spend most of the season at the Witcher school. Oh, cool.

Okay. Yeah. We get to learn about the whole brotherhood and the hierarchy and the history and how they become witchers and like the potion and um like like you spend time in the school you meet the other witchers and how they get along together and you meet the head witcher and so yeah you'll get your wish on that one and they do an okay job at it uh you get to see like they're all really battle-hardened right and then they all have like war stories and it's kind of like an army barracks um yeah and then right in the middle of it is that little girl that princess

who's like trying to fit in and they don't want her to fit in they're just like you can't be a witcher you're a princess and she's like she goes full mulan with it i'll make a man out of you out of me yeah like it's it's really a trans story it's it's about but but she's just outside like going through their like gauntlet of obstacles and like doing matrix dodges like trying to do it and getting fucked up it's just pretty good the right cloth but she'll come around that's her character development probably come around and be a very strong witcher almost almost as strong as Geralt himself. I was hoping that that was going to happen.

I won't spoil it. Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't. But it was a good season. More monsters. I think kind of the premise of the second season part of it is that the monster universe is opening up again. There's going to be bigger, scarier monsters now. I think the idea is all the monsters that we've ever seen like what hopped off the boat when it nudged ours like you don't even know like our

ship sort of bumped in the night and these were the guys who just hopped over now there's a head on collision coming and there's going to be sure or yeah yeah yeah all sorts of nonsense uh i like fantasy stuff so it's it's a natural fit for my my likes so i'm gonna keep watching it is it is it done did they get a third season oh they'll definitely get it it's super popular yeah oh good and netflix doesn't usually do this but i i think this is like one of their tentpole things it's really big um culturally speaking and i think with henry cavill i think you've got somebody who's like passionate about the work. Like he plays the game and reads the books and stuff. Really?

They have those interviews where they're like, what does the Witcher know about the Witcher? And they like quiz Henry Cavill about the Witcher's backstory. And he was like, actually, in the third age, like he's a real nerd about it. And it's good for him. I mean, like you can tell he's really taken on the part he's doing a very good job with it yeah yeah i appreciate that especially when it's a role that like like you know the witcher books don't mean anything to me but i bet to somebody they do and if they had done a poor if i don't know if danny devito had played the witcher or something

they'd it'll like ruin their whole life yeah i'm the trash man yeah i mean i don't know if there's anything like the monsters throw garbage at him i don't know if there's any like thing that i care about enough that that would bother me like like if they remade harry potter for real and they and they like just ruined it it would bother me a little and the same with like lord of the rings if they like it's gonna be tough when amazon ruins it well as long as here's i was about to say as long as they don't do x y and z but i was now i'm thinking well they're gonna do x y and z the problem is they're gonna want to have that those moments where they're just like theoden yes my little boy theoden yeah he is come here Theoden child

yes tell him how you got it he thinks he'll be king probably a poor one he'll never do anything wonderful I bet everybody's just like yeah we get it Father I'm playing a game where I save Minas Tirith

crazy boy when pigs fly and the witch king of Angmar is slain by your daughter. Or your niece. Your niece. Like, winkity wink. Like, I don't want you to wink at the fucking camera. Yeah, there's going to be some fan service stuff in there. They're going to invent characters that didn't exist in the world.

Don't do that. And give them jobs that they're going to do the Legolas and the Legolas is girlfriend thing again, which is like, what the fuck are they doing here? I like Legolas, but what's he doing here? You don't need to do any fan service. Everyone who's watching your fucking your Lord of the Rings TV show has watched the movie and anyone who hasn't will just don't even reference it. Don't bring it up to Make a good show and it'll work. I'm so worried that it's going to be nothing but fan service and winks and nods.

I can't think what other series did that. Oh, it's The Hobbit! The Hobbit! What do you mean what other series? The fucking Hobbit did it to Lord of the Rings already with like, that's my boy Gimli! They should have fucking... Cut! Cut! Who wrote that? Really?

Miramax said we have to put that in. Done. We're not doing this shit anymore. I couldn't agree more. They're going to have stupid fan service. They're going to do a bunch of needless characters. They're going to try and woke-ify it in some way.

I bet they will. And then like when the hardcore Lord of the Rings fans are like, this isn't what Lord of the Rings is. They're going to be like writing fucking articles like, why Lord of the Rings? Why white dudes are hating Lord of the Rings? And that's a good thing. So, you know, so correct me if i'm wrong but sauron

used to take the form of a handsome elf man and that is how he sort of convinced the elves and the humans and the dwarves and everyone to take all those rings that he was having that guy to make for him he was very attractive story yeah and sauron didn't hammer out the rings himself he had an elf make them for him I think that elf is like the main Character one of the characters in the in the video game shadow shadow Mordor maybe but but anyway Let's hang on I'm doing it again this fucking Delta 8 is wild Gas station Like this isn't even like like like I order some so i i tell everybody reefer's bay which

sounds scarier than it is it's where i get delta eight and uh it's super cheap it's like two dollars a gram this is from the gas station like this is just the gas station just it's it's so strong like i've got to be careful with it it's wild but anyway um oh i don't know i think they're gonna mess it up long story short i think they're gonna mess it up i hope they don't i hope they don't too i want another game of thrones i want another series that i love that i'm passionate about uh and and i haven't we haven't had one in a bit i mean i know ozark's about to come back like just about to come back like a week or two something like that so it's been forever since that show, and that's the best show on Netflix right now. Yeah, there's a teaser out for it. I was with someone the other night,

and they were like, ooh, let's watch the teaser, the trailer, and I'm like, absolutely fucking not. Yeah, you're not a teaser man. You watch it on your phone in the bathroom if you need to see this. I don't want to know anything. I don't want to know anything. I'm good at context clues, so if I see the background is palm trees,

I'm like, oh, okay, they're moving this season to somewhere else. They're somewhere tropical. I'll see something and take note of it. It'll, in some little way, mess the show up for me, I think, because I'm that autistic, I guess. But I don't like any kind of teasers or spoilers or trailers even. I never watch trailers for movies I want to see. I haven't watched any of the Matrix trailers and I still

haven't seen the new Matrix, but a lot of the movie reviewer channels that I watch, they do this thing where in the thumbnail, you don't even need to watch it if you don't want to. They're like, our honest Matrix review and it's a guy going... Or it'll be like...

Two thumbs up. One of them was literally the matrix. The new matrix is. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know, but, but like two of the reviewers that are,

that I care about, like it seemed like that was their take, but I didn't watch their videos yet. I'm going to watch it. I, I expect to be disappointed. It's always so shitty when they remake things that they've already, already perfected.

Yeah. But I, you've just got to hope that like the families that own some of these properties never give in um or at least maybe that's i mean the tolkien's did right they said forever they weren't going to do this yeah they had to have like two generations of them die off before just some dickheads like yeah take my grandpa's work i work i don't have enough lord of the rings bucks floating around to be fair i mean i think i would too i think i would i probably would too i'm only sitting on that this high horse because i'm not in the position if my grandpa wrote something and he was like taylor don't let him bastardize it i won't do that until you and your children are dead and then i'll do it because i gotta keep the the wealth going because I don't want to have to work ever.

And I don't want my kids to have to work ever. Grandpa, have you ever seen an OnlyFans model before? We're going to need that series in the works soon, Grandpa. OnlyFans. Yeah, I would cash that shit right the fuck in. Yeah, I mean, preferably I get some sort of creative control. I can be like, come on, don't... No,

Legolas can't be gay. Not for real. We just kind of pretend. You can actually have him suck the cock while... No, don't make Theoden watch. Why is he... What's Theoden doing now? He's beating off. Wormtongue's licking it up.

Wormtongue is fucking Aeowyn and making Theoden watch it beat off. Yeah, the power of dark wizardry. I hope they don't do any of that. I hope not. They'll do something stupid. I'm looking forward to it. I need a new show.

I want a big show. I want a big show like that. Which is pretty big. I don't think it is. It doesn't feel big to me. Something about Netflix honestly feels a little small time. Like not HBO level. Even if it's the same quality, and occasionally they get there,

Ozark, I think, is... I don't know if Netflix produces it or if they pay the people who produce it. There's this weird incestuous thing there But it's really really well made really good, but it's just you know, it's a drama. It's it's a crime drama in modern times Things like Game of Thrones and Lord of the Rings like there's gigantic Sets and all that costume and all the like I really like this stuff. Yeah, I like that shit. I It's it's probably not coincidental that the stuff that's really

expensive to make is also the stuff that i enjoy watching on screen like braveheart was one of my favorite movies growing up because as a kid those battles were cool but now when you watch them compared to even compared to just game of thrones they don't hold up like yeah the battles in braveheart were so exciting when i saw it when i was you you know, 12. And now it's like, you can't, it's, it's disorienting. It's like that mix between slow motion stills and fast sped up motion to try and like give the illusion of like the,

the Royal and boil of the fight. But it really just like, it's like, man, I'm getting a lot of stills of people's hands starting to swing and then people's faces in pain. Like there's not a single like scene of a guy swinging a sword. There's no like,

and then stabbing him. Yeah. Yeah. It's just Mel Gibson. Just one off in guys. Yeah. Because that's so much easier to choreograph film and everything above. But what you want to see obviously is like,

follow this guy, follow, follow this guy through the battle show me how he survived this because that's always interesting what he points that is out of something he doesn't like because there's that scene where john snow dodges all the arrows and then like oh the horse fell but i feel like that's if there's a battle where there's 10 000 people fighting 10 000 people and in the end of it, half of each have died, some lucky shit has to happen to half of the people. And some real unlucky shit definitely happened to some of the people who died. It's just kind of the way it goes.

I've played enough video games and watched the montages and stuff to see that wow, weird shit does just happen sometimes. I've seen grenades hit each other in the air you know like i've seen bullets hit each other in there in a video i've seen like someone threw a grenade at a guy and the guy shot the grenade out of the air accidentally you know like you know there's that one in a billion nonsense and then they found them in on battlefields before where like two bullets collided and they're like mushed together and like stuck together. I don't know stuff like that happens.

So I, I always liked that when Jon Snow is like dodging a dozen arrows and the horse just barely misses him. Like I always saw that as either the God smiling upon him and being like, you're needed for a greater thing. Like, like you're going to be the sacrificial lamb or whatever. Like we've got to get you to the end.

Except there is no greater thing. This was all for nothing. You could have died seven seasons ago. You could have been attacked by one of those pups and killed from an infection and it wouldn't have mattered.

Real upsetting. It's fucking stupid. I think I like this better without Woody here, so let's just leave him in Mexico. Leave Woody in Mexico? I mean, it's not a guarantee he'll come back. You know they want eight Bitcoins, right?

For him? I don't have any Bitcoin. I've only got half a Bitcoin and I'm not getting it off of that drive. It stays there. I'm certainly not going to buy and then give away seven and a half Bitcoin. So hopefully he's industrious whittling or making keys out of his finger bones. No, he's doing those simple Jack-like renditions of Mail Monday.

Now you do Tech Tuesday. You lied to us. You lied to us. You do it now! He's over there with like a circle. Where am I? He's like, we seen Iron Man. Make it happen, funny guy. He's over there with

sparks and 12-volt batteries. He doesn't know what he's doing. Woody is a fit, handsome white man. And that means he's traipsing about Mexico. And so he'll bring in top podcasting dollar if they can secure if they can get into contact with

one of us. And then we can go spam alert. No. No, I'm not answering that. No, no. Hopefully he doesn't die. But if he does, we did tell him he could have like taken a vacation to, you know, somewhere safer. Yeah, I mentioned it.

Gone to Canada, Disney World, Italy, the UK, bike around the UK, whatever the fuck, Australia. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. He literally went to a third world country as a white millionaire and got on a motorcycle in an area where all that driver who doesn't speak English has to do is drive him to the kidnapper's house. And then he gets his finder's fee.

And he'll go, another stupid American. They all high five. And Woody's like, man, it's kind of awkward not to laugh with him. So he's laughing too. But they think that's funny. So it just becomes contagious now. And they're all laughing bigger and bigger. And then they whack him over the head with that blackjack and drag him away.

I'm not paying. We're not paying. We have a strict. We don't negotiate with terrorists here at pkx you could do whatever you want not unless you're paying us pull his fingernails out cut his eyelids off we'll never break we won't bend and neither will woody and he wouldn't he'd want it that way god damn it yeah woody wouldn't we'll remember you, Woody. We'll remember you.

Dude, if Woody did die on this trip, it would take three full PKA's before people in the comments were like, I think he's dead. They would think it was a joke. We would need to produce the body. You couldn't just say it and an article wouldn't prove it and it would be so fucking awkward for us to have to continuously explain that yes woody is the guest would come

on so where's woody where's he at he is six feet in the fucking ground in new jersey that is where he is somewhere he's spread all over Mexico. We put him to rest three weeks ago, sir. And you're just over there crying openly, weeping. Currently fertilizing a cocaine crop. They told us

that most of the remains were scattered across the Yucatan Peninsula. But the head was kept by Cuckoo Choppa himself. Cuckoo Choppa who hates bad podcasts. Who Kyle personally insulted online

and said, quote, do it, pussy. You won't. I bet you won't kill him. And he's like, I don't want to, but you're forcing my hand. And it's like, please, I don't want to hurt your friend. You do it. Do it.

FaceTiming him. All right. PKN episode 387.