Painkiller Already - PKN #78

Episode Date: February 18, 2016

This week on PKN... Kyle has returned from Colorado

We're on! Painkiller Nearly, episode 78, probably. Hello there. What did you have in your hand there, Taylor? I'm very curious. Oh, turning my TV off. Oh! I've been playing Nightmare Mode for like the last, I guess just like one day. I haven't played much of it on Black Ops 3. Have you even heard of it? Nightmares Mode?

Is that where if you get shot or you can't respawn or something how has i haven't figured it all out yet but it seems to just be a campaign but with zombies instead of russians and so instead of constantly being like oh we have to take down igor and the you know bruise crew you're going and fighting zombies through the same kind of atmosphere and you can actually it's neat because you can do the boosting and the special slide jumps and everything just like you can in multiplayer. And you can't do that in normal zombies.

So it's a lot of fun boosting over them. Can you... What do you have to do to unlock it? Do you have to beat the campaign? Do you have to beat zombies somehow? Can I guess? Do you have to pay for it? Any of these things could be true.

I've got that. I know that we got the season pass, so I think it might just be a season pass thing. This is just the first time I've noticed it. Maybe I did something that unlocked it, but I don't think so. Because I have not played much COD recently. I've been too busy playing fantasy realities in NHL 16. Well, that sounds fun.

I would play that. I bet you probably have to beat the campaign or get to level 25 in Zombies or something to unlock it, though, maybe. I would more than happily pay the $5.95. I'm only guessing that it's the season pass. How to

unlock Nightmare Mode Black Ops 3. Alright. unlock nightmare mode black ops 3 um all right millions of fans instead of the difficulty how do you get it stupid article maybe they just give it to everyone now i don't like the way they do guns in it like uh with zombies and even in campaign like you can walk over and pick up weapons like i guess zombies it's all on the wall campaign you can go pick up an opponent's weapon and this it's like the zombies will just die and then a little floating gun will be there and if you walk over it you know sucks to suck if that gun was awful now it takes your good gun.

And so I've had like a light machine gun before, and then I kill a big group of them in front of me, and they drop like two pistols and take up the whole hallway. It's like, well, goddammit. Like I can't spend enough time to meticulously like duck and jump over these pistols. So I just have to run past and swap out my Kar98 or whatever with a pistol. It looks like you just beat the normal campaign and it unlocks Nightmare. That's crazy. I played about six minutes of the campaign

and it was really boring. Call of Duty campaigns are not good. I've never enjoyed them. Maybe they unlocked it for everybody. Some of them were good and some of them can be a chore. I can think of some of them that were chores. It seems like Ghosts maybe. I don't think I finished that. I can think of some of them that were chores. They, um, seems like, uh, Ghosts, maybe.

I don't think I finished that. I think I got two, three hours into it, and they're usually like, I don't know, seven hour campaigns, and roughly ten hour, maybe, whatever. Uh, and I didn't finish that one. But, I like some of the COD campaigns. I think Woody and I both love that Modern Warfare 3 finale, when, you know, you come up to that building all badass with the juggernaut suit and the light machine gun in one hand and a grenade launcher in the other and the music's playing and then you hang that guy i love it a lot dude

modern warfare 1 2 and 3 were all fantastic you lynched someone at the end of 3 like like how you gonna beat that yeah dude but modern warfare was the southerner news coming out modern warfare 1 2 and 3, to me, are some of the best single-player gaming experiences ever. And I know there's some half-light fedora-wearing beard basement dweller who's telling me that I just don't know games or something. But, no, I appreciate a good on-rails campaign that you sort of power through.

And Modern Warfare 1, 2, and 3 were all great to me. I think I beat them all on the hardest level. a good on rails campaign that you sort of power through and um uh i monomer for one two and three were all great to me i think i beat them all on the hardest level including um that sky level whatever it was called that whole on rails thing like that never bothers me and i don't care one way or another like those are just two types of games for me like one's vanilla one's chocolate i like them both um sometimes it's nice to just kind of zone out and be like in Bioshock, yeah, yeah, I know where I'm going. It's kind of straight ahead. That's where we're going. But then it's nice

sometimes to play Fallout and be like, I don't know what the fuck it do. I've played Fallout before, logged on, got ready, loaded my character and been like, I don't even know what to do. Fuck this. Fuck this. It's Netflix now. I've done it with Skyrim so many times. I've started new characters in the last two years when I'm like, you know what to do. Fuck this. Fuck this. It's Netflix. No. I've done it with Skyrim so many times. I've started new characters in the last

two years when I'm like, you know what? I should get back into this. This was fun. You had a good time. Can you turn your game down, Taylor? It's bad. Too loud? Yeah, less game. You're blowing out. I think Skype is equalizing it to some extent. But you're not as sexy sounding as you need to be.

I think Skype is equalizing it to some extent, but you're not as sexy sounding as you need to be. It's a dial on. I can't hear you at all. Isn't it a dial on your audio interface? It is. Wait, wait. That was, we're getting better.

Is it getting better? You sound much better. It's a little quiet now. You went too far. Okay. Man, my travel getting back into here was into here was pretty annoying we are we flew out we left the cabin yesterday at god that was yesterday

fuck and nine or ten a.m. something like that we drove a few hours to Denver and we've excuse me we drove a few hours to the nearest airport and then we waited there for an hour for that for that hours to the nearest airport, and then we waited there for an hour for that, uh, for that plane to fly us to Denver, and then we waited at Denver for a couple of hours, and then finally flew into Atlanta last night. About 10 30, uh, I landed, and then I had a meeting in Atlanta at 10 30 a.m., so I had to get up. I got to sleep at like 1 and got back up at 7. Machinima once scheduled me for an 18-hour flight home.

I remember. Yeah, and it was from fucking Aspen. Comebacks. There's just the – An 18-hour flight home? Walk me through that. I don't even know if I remember all the steps. There was a tiny little plane that was near Aspen.

Like Aspen has an airport, if if i recall and then it took me to some other airport in texas and then i went to the from that to a major airport in texas perhaps dallas and then i went from like dallas back to raleigh and uh but there oh no the colorado was involved somewhere i remember that for sure and i spent a long time like i i got like the last flight into colorado like denver and then i got like the first flight out in the morning so i had like a six hour layover or something in there and i'm just like tweeting to people like speed test updates my my download was it was less than one it was like 0.17 download like the old dial-up speeds it was it was horrific and um it it was when i learned to fucking push back on the

flights you know like a previous to that trip i would just any flight you booked for me i'm grateful i get it whatever now it's like what you booked me on a fucking 4 30 a.m flight you don't have to get up at like one for that i might as well not sleep it's no skin off their ass they're just clicking buttons they're like yeah that one that was $18 cheaper Woody come on yeah yeah no yes suck a fucking dick I'll skip your trip you want me to go on this thing you're willing to fly you can fucking pay another $20 and like I 18 hour flights home unless I'm coming from Australia, is completely unacceptable. This was in the U.S. I can go from coast to coast in four hours.

The 18 hours to get home, they just didn't give a fuck about me. You know, whoever did it just didn't care in the slightest. No one stopped and said, that's kind of a shitty flight, huh? No one even cared. Or maybe, here's the funny thing. Maybe they did and somebody was like, hey, Hutch, look at this. And everybody just went, ah! I wouldn't put it past him.

I don't know. And Machinima, dude, dude, I went to the Machinima's office, right? So here's what happened. Another company started up, the one I'm with now, actually. They started offering people better CPMs on their videos. That was when, and I guess XJaws and I talked to them and we're like, look, we're contemplating leaving because we're getting much better offers, like dollars per thousand views at other companies.

Can you guys match it? And we'll stay and um so they're like negotiating i i'm walking through the fucking machinima office and there's a picture like more than one person had it like on the cube like with little pins in it you know the they have these like fabric cubes with pins in it it's benedict arnold's body and my head right and this is fucking machinima staff having this on their like in their their employees cubes and when i talk to the higher-ups they seem really respectful and stuff but i'm like what is it like when i'm not talking to them what what are they saying about me at machinima when

i'm not here oh and by the way there's like 12 channels doing this but i've been anointed like the the leader ringleader yeah the ringleader head jackass whatever um this is when wings got the much better contract this is when everybody's contracts got better at machinima because another they got competition for the first time and we were shopping around and i still look back i'm just like you know i don't know what to say about machinima on one hand you know they they got me when i was small they treated me kind of fairly i thought um situation i see they saw your potential protection had nice tits like that's what they are like come on they they didn't say look at this mad guy man he's he's real genuine and down to earth got a good't say look at this matt guy man he's he's

real genuine and down to earth got a good heart he said look at that guy he's got he's got 80,000 subs yeah he'll do like they don't care what happened yeah yeah i need to i've got like stockholm syndrome on this they when i because when i think of some of the contracts holy fuck they were fucking dirtbags just push them back so many times me and Kitty went through this thing for a year with their contract negotiation where they would just keep sending the same contract back, and she'd be like, no, we're not signing it. You have to make X change, Y change, and Z change. And then they'd send the same one back.

Oh, they're trying to catch you slipping. We read them. We read them. Dude, and I could talk about this forever. So first of all, there's this notion, read your contract, right? Dude, contracts are not always that easy to read. I consider myself pretty good at it. I would have Kitty read mine and I would read mine myself and we would catch different things.

Things would slip past Kitty that I caught and things would slip past me that Kitty caught. And things would still get by. These companies, they try to fuck you all the time. You know, the fuck, they sent me to this thing. It wasn't even that bad a contract, but they sent me to this X Games. I was going to film it and pimp like another YouTube channel or something, right?

And the contract they had me sign was like 18 pages long. It included like rights to software. They could produce the Woody goes to the X Games movie if they want to now. It was so far ranging and stuff. And like I said, it was 14 pages long. They say, read your contract. Dude, it's not written in a it's intentionally obfuscated to make it difficult to read and you know like i'm i don't know how to say this without

being an asshole all the way around itself just convoluted and nonsensical like when i was trying to read mine the first couple times just by myself when i got signed to machinima i'd get like 20 lines in i'd have to stop after like a word of like confidential you know secrecy uh on condemnation or whatever and i'd just be like wait fuck god what does any of this mean like what was the last thing i remember remembering about this well understanding what are you actually taking from it like you don't yeah if you quiz yourself right yeah i've looked at every word but i'll tell you what, if I'm honest, I couldn't tell you what the paragraph I just read said. Like I somehow glazed over.

So it's a skill to read these things. And I'm not dumb, right? Not all the time. I read them like a novel sometimes where I get halfway through a paragraph and I'm like, well, maybe I just need the whole story and this will all come together in the end. It's like, nope, now they added a lot more characters I so yeah the whole read your contract fallacy it's really like whether or not

you're in a position to hire an attorney to help you understand your contract because like I think there's a sea of critics out there who will just be like well it's your fault for not reading the contract. No, no. This is a company that fucks you constantly. I've had contracts, so I don't know what the deal Machinima gets is, right? Typically, an agent will take,

it depends who you are. If you're a huge star, like if you're a hockey player or something or a baseball, basketball player, your agent will take like 4%, 5% of your earnings, right? Because they're just helping you negotiate. It's not like they're making it all happen. Now, if you're a nobody in Hollywood

and your agent creates a deal for you, they might get like 35% of it, right? Because they went and generated a thing that out of nothing for you. And if you're somewhere in between, like in the YouTube world, 25% of the profit or of the earnings is about right. You know, if I just connect you with him

and I make a job happen, I get a quarter of it for that connection. Machinima would take 80%. They would take 80% and it was outrageous. And, you know, sometimes you're just not aware of like, whoa, I didn't realize like this two dollar deal you offered me was a ten dollar deal coming into you then you somehow thought that 80 would be like okay a fair cut for you yeah yeah are they like losing money a lot now

i don't know it's a whole well i mean i'm sure there's some people still there but the the leaders the debawis brothers, they're gone. Most of the people that you probably talk to and stuff, like Fwiz, he's gone. I don't know. I'm sure there's some staff still there. Was that guy's name Shore Wars? Yeah.

I don't know if he's gone. That's forever ago. Surely he's not there anymore. He's moved on to something else. That was like six years ago. He's not still going through my Dropboxes. He's like, oh, this is great. All right.

2016, a good year for this one. He's just catching up now to all the videos Wings sent him. We're finally going to pull Wings videos out of it. Oh, it's a good con for domination. Yeah, I doubt any of those guys are still there. I've been to those offices too. I found it to be very unprofessional when I went in there

I was like I still so if you remember me and Sam Extras back in the day we always would look at Machinima and say why can't like five people run this whole company right here okay sure you need the legal guy in the bag that's that Indian guy who's got his own office Sanjay

I met him one time. You need some guy in charge coordinating, a manager, a Michael Scott-type character. But how many bodies does it take to go around and do what they were actually doing for the first year or two of their company, when we were with them anyway? How many people were there when you went? I've always been curious. Dozens! Dude, I think they peaked at like 40 or 60 or something like that yeah and none of them could get back to you on skype for any reason they'd have internet there i don't think they had dude it was awful they should have made a couple giant

mistakes one was hiring too much staff right another was getting into the content production business like dude you are way better off just taking a slice of everyone that's popular. Then you are trying to be popular. Cause that's a one in a million shot. And, um, you know, even like the people, uh, what was it called? Respawn the, the show with Hutch and Sark on it and seen Anders joined later.

Yeah. I don't know. I think the show was literally called Respawn. That thing was like popular for a while and then it just started dropping and like it faded away i feel like a channel with machinima's millions of subscribers and like market share and mind share and all that stuff should have been able to pull a hundred thousand views but it didn't i feel like they missed so many opportunities and like me and sam were always

talking about this like ways that they could grow the company that seemed really easy to us all right so take that hutch sark and c nander show right they're kind of headlining machinima which means they have access to every director under the machinima umbrella which at the time was every director like in the gaming space yeah they should what if they started them what if they did their podcast on machinima his main channel and it came out once a week and they just picked a random huge guy from there there are maybe five

you know they could do five they do anything they wanted they had so much power in their hands and they were so concerned with making that extra penny off of them and taking a little more money out of everybody's pocket that they sunk themselves that all they did with that was make all of us like uh stupid live action halo video where every two days you'd recheck in it's like oh apparently i like this there's some really like crooked bullshit too like i don't know with their

fucking automatic favorite machine like i felt ripped i was i was fucking abused by that i would do things that i thought were special like music music videos and stuff, never get any pimping. But they used my channel to pimp other people constantly. Fucking fuck Machinima for being fucking dogs like that. I issued a negative review on Homefront. Suddenly Hutch is bashing me on social media. Fucking Hutch. Did you play it yet, though?

Yes. Yeah, I played it for like 20 minutes. Not enough. Not enough, enough doc that was that was hutch's argument he's like no what you're doing is called a first impression i didn't know i changed it to first impression he's still ripping me on all that the deal was homefront was paying machinima big bucks so fucking machinima's bought and paid for to only say positive things about homefront and i I'm not bought and paid for.

Yeah. And I'm making waves. How long ago was this? Years ago. It was like my first PAX or something. And I was like. Maybe Hutch happened way before I was on the show. It bothered me because Hutch holds himself up as this paragon of virtue and like honesty and trueness.

And it's like, no, dude, your company had to deal with Homefront. And that's why you're giving me shit. If I had dogged Gears of War, you wouldn't have said a goddamn thing. I had done like five reviews that day, some positive, some negative, based on what I saw at PAX. I didn't like Homefront either. Homefront was shit. It never went anywhere.

I was right. There was a lot of polish in that. They just kind of had a concept. It was okay. They just took some game engine, threw shit out there, and it didn't go anywhere. An interesting idea. You know, it just wasn't a polished AAA

title game. It wasn't like picking out Gears of War and being like, holy shit, every aspect of this is perfect. It was kind of a lame game. Did Hutch and Sark still work at Machinima? No. They both left, actually. They just have YouTube channels now. And I don't know how well they're doing, but I'm still a little sore at Hutch because I don't know.

He came at me with this morality angle, like like I'm not doing good reviews. And it's like you are the only reason you don't like my reviews is because you're Machinima has a deal with Homefront. Yeah. And it's like, don't you question my morals when you're the one who's bought it. my reviews is because Machinima has a deal with Homefront. It's like, don't you question my morals when you're the one who's bought it. It really bothered me. It still bothers me a little bit, I guess. I can tell.

As I'm thinking about it. You know what else pisses me off? That goddamn rainfly. I feel like Hutch touched your rainfly. He just cut the hand off. Oh, he would have lost it. He would have given him the old Henrietta treatment. That's a jetty would have come out again.

Hutch has made a lot of withdrawals. A lot of withdrawals to the emotional bank account for me over the years. And not a lot of deposits. So, I mean, he let me upload a video to his channel once, which was really, really nice of him. And it helped me a lot. It was actually the last, like, I had 10,000 subs, and I got to upload a video to his channel once which was really really nice of him and it helped me a lot it was actually the last like i had 10 000 subs and i got to upload a video to his channel we were going to do a dual com but somehow that like he didn't have the enthusiasm for that anymore so he's like i'll

tell you what i'll give you my password you can just upload a video to my channel so i did that and i did my best and that was when i had 10,000 subs. After that, he just shat on me for the next million. I always felt really like, I don't know why this guy shits on me all the time, but he did for years. I just ignored him. I'd never understood. I liked his videos back in the day,

but he quickly became kind of a different guy that I wasn't a big fan of or didn't want to be too friendly with. We don't have a lot in common at all. He's got a real different mindset about the world and he's real quick to turn that thing on you. He's real quick to judge you but never to turn that back on himself and you just gave a couple instances of that.

He'd be that paragon of upright business and then all of a sudden hey stop that and and of course he didn't come at you straight and be like hey man we got paid by them maybe you just not put that video up if you feel that way if they said that you've probably been like all right yeah do i get that money though maybe i get a little hush money from him right like talking about like underhanded behind the scenes ways that you felt he was? He would like – Like a confrontational word. He had this thing where he's like, I never criticize the person.

I just criticize the behavior. So he would make sly comments on like Twitter and Facebook about – Hate the sin, not the sinner. Yeah, yeah. That's what he would do. And he'd just be like, you know, like hypothetically, let's say Xjaw uploads a video and he's giving away an iPad 2. You know, I really think that it's not right to upload a video that has iPad 2 giveaways. Never mentioning anyone by name, but obviously talking about a guy.

He just did that for years. And I think he later came out and said it was mostly envy-driven. And, you know, he was at Machinima making a hundred grand, looking at some of the top YouTubers making even more than that, feeling like that's what he should be making. It was what he should have been making. The dummy shouldn't have taken that. There's a guy who should have read his contract.

I don't know. He scooped his up in the infancy of that whole thing and cost him a million dollars. Let's just call it a million for a round number because that's what it is most likely anyway it's hard to say because i feel like once hutch went to machinima he stopped being the good hutch right so i loved hutch's videos the early woody videos were kind of just copying what i liked in his videos um when hutch would like get a girlfriend or split from a girlfriend or move into an apartment these were like major events for me you know he moved to San Francisco I think and in with a girl like

this was huge he'd show me he assembled a piece of furniture right and that was like his first adult act or something like this is how he described it and he's like he I can't believe that I'm like making a desk for myself in my apartment like this is so grown up and it's like, I can't believe it. I'm like making a desk for myself in my apartment. Like this is so grown up. And it's like, go hut. Like I was so invested in all those things. And then once he started at Machinima, he really kind of made a turn where he's like, you know what? I'm going to stop sharing anything about me with you guys.

Now it's all about what I think about video games. Well, he broke up with that Russian girl somewhere around then, didn't he? Yes. And I know that that was a big he broke up with that Russian girl somewhere around then, didn't he? Yes. And I know that that was a big deal. He dated this Russian girl. He cared for her a lot. I would recognize her if I saw her. I think I saw so many pictures of her.

But I think they broke up around that time. Maybe that was a catalyst in that. But his main mistake, and it's a shame it happened to him, is that Machinima came in there and put him on salary when the guy should have been out there getting his cpm in the like the the biggest part of what would have been his career you know what i'm saying is he went from being he was really a vlogger it was video games but he was a vlogger right yeah even if he's playing explosion man he's inviting you into his relationship with the girl he's playing with. Right. You know, even if he's playing cod or something, he's talking about what's happening to him in his life. A lot of people consider like the peak of the video.

Didn't he cry once when he got that job from Machinima? Right. It was touching. It was touching. And I don't mean crying in a negative way. That's not how I think of it. No, no, no. He had a good.

He was very emotional. It was open. He was kind of an open book. And it felt very real. Then he closed that book, and no one watched Hutch for his gameplay. He's good at games. I don't mean to knock him, but that's not why they watched him. I was into it.

I liked his run-and-gun sniper style. I liked that. Some people watch Hutch for his gameplay. I watched Hutch because I liked the man. And then he cut that off. You know what? I was just thinking about him the other day. I was thinking about watching his videos in World at War because he played a lot of World at War with those bolt guns.

I just remember him running around with those guns and really enjoying those videos and him. I think that was maybe the third video of his I saw. You know, it's that point when you find a new entertainment thing, whether it's a person, place, or thing, whatever. And you try to absorb all of it that there is as quickly as possible, and now you're – more will come soon. More will come soon. You've explained it so well.

I can name a – I did that with Casey Neistat. I did that recently with Demolition Ranch. I've done it with – oh, this is one you guys probably won't like, but sailing La Vagabond. Um, they, yeah, it's this, it's this good looking couple. They're probably like 26 or something and they sail around the world. It's what they do. I was kind of jonesing for content a few months ago. They spent like three months on land rebuilding up their money so they could sail for the next year and uh and it was them like just like getting jobs and rebuilding up their money so like they

just show up on land and walk to like a subway that's hiring and they just start literally yeah yeah that's like the level of job i think the guy might have done something a little more physically taxing like in the construction world the The girl was like Starbucks or something. They're Australian. Cool. They went to Australia, worked their buns off. What an interesting way. They have a sailboat, which to me implies a certain level of wealth, right?

Like it's a sailboat. It seems nice. They're in the Caribbean,bean tan and good looking and like i don't know they catch their fish with spear guns and stuff this to me is a very expensive vacation if i wanted to do a week in the life of sailing levagabond i think i'd lay out like 12 grand you know you have to be incredibly rich or incredibly poor yeah to do things like catch fish with a spear there's no middle class guy who gets back from his construction job who's just looking at his fridge with that postcard of you know a guy about to spear a fish like you know someday when i save up enough like i'm gonna get

out there and spare myself a biggie yeah so theirs is like a gun like a i don't know if it's a handheld harpoon i think it's called a spear gun yeah and um it's got it's got um most of them use like a stretched rubber it's not a rubber band but it's more like a um um like that tubing like like a like a surgical tubing stuff yeah yeah and it's it's it's using that for its yeah and they don power. They don't make a lot of content. I'll say a video every like 10 days or so. So when one comes up, it's like, ooh, now what? And it's usually a couple of days filmed together and edited and stuff. The girl can sing.

So every so often, like that'll add a flavor to it. And you think like it sounds really home movie when I say it. But no, she's legit like like i i heard her singing i'm like she could be a star right like i i don't mean to go crazy about how good looking she is but she's like perfectly good looking what else do you call her um i'm gonna look this this hairy giant jaw monstrosity of a woman. Let's look her up. Let's look her up. Her name used to be Jim Davis before the surgery. She's just belting out Barry White tunes on the bow of the boat. So deep.

So deep. So deep. So deep. So deep. So deep. So deep. So deep. So deep.

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So deep. So deep. So deep. So deep. So deep. So deep. So deep. So deep.

So deep. So deep. So deep. So deep. So deep. So deep. So deep. So deep.

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So deep. So deep. So deep. So deep. So deep. So deep. So deep. So deep.

So deep. So deep. So deep. So deep. So deep. So deep. So deep. So deep. So deep. So deep. So deep. Yeah, I'm just trying to... This doesn't show her face, but here's a... Oh, whoops. Oh, yeah, she's pretty. Yeah, I'll just go to the... Oh, she's got a nice body, too. Wow. Yeah, she's very nice.

Unless I'm at a concert or it's expected, if I see anyone just begin to sing or break out singing, I become very uncomfortable. It almost makes my stomach hurt. i can't watch people just if i i get like sweaty when i watch musicals when i know one is coming and they're like you know what do you think about old man jenkins tommy and he's like well you know what i think i think it's like oh no oh jesus like a song's coming like i i don't know why it makes the stomach i'm way more laid back. I don't know why. It makes a pain in the stomach. I'm way more laid back. So you don't like musicals?

No, I can't handle it. I love musicals. I just watched Sweeney Todd the other day for the third time. My daughter's in a musical right now. She's about halfway. There are six performances. She did three of them-ish. I think I would like to be in a musical.

I like them so much. Dude, this is the worst. It's surprising to me. So Hope is always being cast as like the flirtatious girl. And in this case, she's like the flirtatious grandmother. But she really plays it up. There's a scene where she like has this guy and she puts her hand like between his chest. And I don't know how she touches it, but it's like that.

As a dad, I didn't like it at all. And she got some pushback from the other people at school. They're like, oh, Hope's a slut or something like that. And I'm like, Hope, that's a compliment, right? This guy played a Nazi and no one said Griffin's a Nazi. This guy played a murderer and no one said Lewis is a Nazi. You know, this guy played a murderer and no one said, you know, Lewis is a murderer. But they're saying Hope's a slut because you sold it. You know, that's...

Yeah! That certainly is a way... Right side, motherfucker! I found it! Are you going to do that to her when she goes up on stage? You just, come here, Hope. You get up there and you show them what's what, you little fucking whore.

You sell it! You little whore. No, she did well in the play. She did a good job. And I'm sure it'll pass because she's not actually loose at all. But it's a child's play. Yeah. I mean, she's growing up.

I guess it's a young adult play now. She's 16? 16? Did you just call her 16? I was going for 17. And then I was like, 16? And it became 16, which is just not an age that's appropriate for anything. She is 16.

Her birthday's in June, so she's approaching 17. So she sings. Kyle, what would you do in a musical? I can't, for the life of me, picture you sliding out there on your socks and then doing a jig and singing. I can't dance, but I feel like, and I don't feel like I could sing like... Oh, 0 for 2.

No, no, no. I feel like I could do the type of singing. He can sing in his range. I've heard Kyle sing, and if he stays in his range, he can sing much better than I can. I feel like there could be a part that would work for me that I could sing very well. As long as I stay within my range, which is like this big, I can't go this low or this high. Um,

I can stay in there and I can stay in, in key and everything. And I can sing a little bit. A lot of people, I would like a small part. I feel like that'd be fun. In hopes musical. A lot of people have that same thing.

Like the people with the better parts, I feel like have Kyle's level of talent. Like they can sing. Are they going to be, you know, Broadway stars or something probably not because they don't seem to have a lot of range but um provided that you cut them a break and they don't have to hit that high note then you know it's a good play i enjoyed it most of my friends also

hated having to do like musical shit like there's always that one kid who loved doing musical stuff like growing up you know and you did like the pilgrims and indians play and you're like singing and dancing as a first grader there was this we had to do like a program in our grade school every year and they'd have a few people like who were really into it usually like the guy that was going to be gay and then a couple of the girls would want to be out front like you know really giving it their all and then if you were really lucky you could be like all right you're taylor you're going to be the tree this year so you're going to wear this big cardboard thing you're going to stand in the back and it's like oh don't have to say you're a stump in the mud even then i would i would try and do that but then like

usually like some kid would get that and that's not me because there's limited trees needed in this forest and so then they put you up on the uh you know those cheap rickety stands they would put the choir on where like yeah yeah people leaned it would almost collapse yeah uh the subsequent year to when i was in like fourth grade so i guess third grade this kid legitimately locked his knees on the top stand there and it wasn't like you it was just a sheer four foot drop from the back there was no safety and this kid just fainted fell off the back during a rehearsal for it knocked himself out couldn't actually do it like he said i don't feel safe standing up there so he didn't have to do it i had um my friend mike tried to do a pretend pass out because he was telling me he was like i don't want to do this either and jerry last year

didn't have to do it he got to sit and watch so. So if I fall off too, they're going to let me not do it. And he really sold the fame. Like just going limp at the top. And he fell off the back. And I want to say broken because it's more dramatic. But I think that he sprained his wrist falling trying to catch himself. Because for the next few weeks he had to come in with like one of those goofy splints. That it's like, look at that jackass.

Did something dumb. But yeah, he didn't have to do the play. I remember we did remember we did beauty and the beast and i was lumiere the candlestick and i had those candles on my uh my hand we're all out there dancing uh what was the uh i'd love to see footage of that you were lumiere i was lumiere yeah yeah my buddy was uh like clocksworth or whatever so he was the clock and you know I was the candlestick. Both good parts. I've got two things I want to talk about. I got my blood taken today. So here's my question for you guys.

And I have strong feelings about this. What I don't like, and lots of nurses and doctors do this, is this fucking notion of surprise attack medicine right i like it okay so when they give blood they want you to like look the other way and they don't tell you what they're doing and all of a sudden fucking bam they're they stick you with something or i had like moles removed off my back from like my lifeguard days or something like i don't know if you should have that so they're not like you know like okay how much did that cost because i got one i want to get taken out i think i just paid a copay so i don't really know you got that you got not you've got good insurance though i think i bet they're gonna

charge me 400 a fucking mole i if i were to throw a number out I bet they charge you like 125 a mole but it's better than dying you can get melanoma what was I going to say so yeah this guy I had today was awesome it was awesome another thing I'm really particular about

I'm such a dick I don't like it when doctors are really late I'm busy too I'm busy they always seem to be i'm busy all the time and like i've talked about this before i fired a dentist once because they were late twice in a row and i kind of made a scene you know like i we're just waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and i called ahead oh here i did two things they were late so i was like all right can't be late like You know, I can't be waiting around 40 minutes for you to take me in. Um, how do I catch you guys when you're not late? And they're like, I'll come right after lunch. You know, sometimes we'll run

late into lunch, but we just have to shorten lunch and get back on schedule. Okay. So I'm right after lunch and they're still fucking 40 minutes late. And, uh, and I'm waiting, it's like 20 minutes in. I'm like, how can they be 20 minutes late when uh and i'm waiting it's like 20 minutes in i'm like how can they be 20 minutes late when i scheduled an appointment specifically at the time they won't be late and then 30 minutes late and they call me you're just getting madder and madder you're looking around every time the door opens you're like this is me this is me and you're trying to think am i mad now no if that were for me i would be normal and then and then the door swings three more times and you're like if that door had been for me would i have still been me or would i have

been angry me and you're like yeah i'm angry me now yeah now i'm waiting for the door so angry me and you start to talk yourself up where you're like oh i hope this isn't me i need to be justified in my anger are they doing this i think they're like 30 minutes late at this dentist office and i'm like they call me in and i'm mad i'm mad i sit down and they have like a computer monitor on like this big telescoping arm almost like a boom mic and i catch the time on it and they're 42 fucking minutes late and i like, you're 42 minutes late? 42 minutes? And she's like, what?

Like, is that, that's not okay? And I'm like, no, I can't believe you're 42 minutes late. I called before I came and said, are you guys running late or not? Because if you're running late, I'll just come in, you know, like you need a half hour or something, that's cool, I'll get some work done. But I can't be sitting around in your fucking waiting room for 42 goddamn minutes and that's what happens and and when i realized that they weren't half an hour late when i saw

her screen and she was 42 fucking minutes late i was like that's it i'm gone and she's like what no we're ready for you now i'm like no no you're fired you're this is like a um what do they call the person oral hygienist or something yeah and i'm like you're fired and the dentist is fired too this whole fucking office i didn't curse or anything but like this whole office is i'm done with it i'm never coming back you're fired now when you say you didn't curse do you mean no f-bombs i don't think i cursed at all i was i was at the doctor's office so um uh anyway yeah the doctor's like is there a problem i'm like yeah you don't run a good office this is the second time in a row you're this late did you let them clean your teeth no this is all so you sat

there and then you just yelled at him and then he took you and your dirty teeth out of there i did yeah yeah so they they walked me in they were as they were like putting the drool bib on me i caught the time and it was like not gonna happen look i'm not gonna happen a hundred thousand percent here this is a time when i feel like all of your anger is justified it it happens to me occasionally like like this is so reminiscent to me of like bad people not ignoring me at Apple at Outback Steakhouse that time or whatever. It's just like, why are you so bad at your job? Is it because it's me and you think you can get away with it? Is it because you think that I'll just sit here and take it?

You think I'll sit here for an hour, two hours? How many days would I sit here waiting on you to clean my teeth? I build it up in my head as doctors thinking that they're just a better class of person than their patients are. Sure. And that's part of it. I'm not okay with that either. Like, I'm busy, man. You know, like, I would have come in late and got some work done instead of sitting around in your office.

I'm feeling pressured at my job. And you're here just fucking me over at the office. And the dentist tried to, like, smooth it over. And I'm like, no, you're fired. That's the end of our relationship. I am not going to be here ever again and Dr. Mann and Carrie North Carolina suck a dick you're terrible at running an office that's M-A-N-N it is North Carolina it is M-A-N-N Dr. Mann and Carrie North Carolina

back with it like you know maybe somebody slips out with two goody bags. Nobody notices this week. I've got an extra trial size toothpaste. No, no. Yeah, that didn't happen at all. He just, he, I don't, I like to think that he became slightly more aware of the fact that he can't fuck his patients like this. I have no idea if he made any improvements. See, that See, I have that hope whenever I scream at a waitress. As I walk away, I'm like, I helped her. She's better now.

This was a learning experience for her. This is good. That's what I do. The guy I had today was amazing. He was great. So basically, I'm getting a physical. My wife thinks I should get a physical, so I'm getting a physical.

We've got all these family members who are not doing well, and she's like, let's get checked out. She said, we got too many eggs in one basket. Let's get you in there. She led by example. She got her own physical. She had a good experience, and she wants me to have one too now. Prior to getting the physical, I gave blood,

and that will be part of their analysis. May I interrupt you? Go on. Your physical that you're getting, are you getting scoped? Are you getting a colonoscopy? Is that part of it? You should. You're over 40, right?

No, you shouldn't because I was just – so there was this doctor on the Howard Stern show the other day. And don't let that fool you. He's like – he's the doctor that they called in to cure Robin Quiver's cancer. So he's like a legit doctor. They were doing him a favor by having him come in to cure Robin Quiver's cancer. So he's a legit doctor. They were doing him a favor by having him come in the studio to pimp his book. And he said that there's a blood test that is going to completely eliminate the... Colonoscopy. What did I just...

What were we talking about? Colonoscopy. What do you call it? Colonoscopy. Colonoscopy. He said colonoscopy is going to be a thing of the past in like a year, he said, because of this new blood. That's outstanding. So maybe you could avoid it.

So Kyle, you're pausing and speeding up. I think it's your internet connection right now. And frozen for me at this moment. But I'm not getting a colonoscopy because I had one like four years ago. So I'm not due for a colonoscopy. Hopefully, like Kyle says, by the time I need my next one, which is like six or 11 years from now, it's a thing of the past. How long was the workup time for your colonoscopy? Like I've always wondered that.

Do they just go up and they just pop a finger in or is there like a couple minutes of like, all right, I'm in and uh you know it's a little too much i'll describe it for you no let me take over here for a second first of all on the blood thing the guy was a magician he he told me what he was yeah he's putting that alcohol swab on it which everyone knows is like you know like it's about to happen he nailed the vein immediately i didn't even know what was going on and the first vial was nearly finished and I'm on the second one. I can see there's three vials. It must have been 90 seconds altogether.

He was like, my appointment was for 9.15. They grabbed me at 9.15. The whole freaking thing was done by like 9.17 and he didn't do the fucking like blindfold you and attack you with his fucking spiky thing so i love this guy best doctor or nurse probably experience i've had in ages colonoscopy first you have to drink this drink um people make a big deal out of the bad taste it's bad tasting but i swear there are gatorade flavors i don't like on the same level as this drink and um you're not gonna like quick are you talking about a colonoscopy where they stick the And I swear, there are Gatorade flavors I don't like on the same level as this drink.

And you're not going to like it. Wait, real quick. Are you talking about a colonoscopy where they stick the camera in your ass? Yes. Or are you talking about the prostate exam where they stick the finger in your ass? Colonoscopy. Colonoscopy. Colonoscopy, okay. With the camera, yes.

You're going in deep. Going in deep, Rick. You got to poop out everything in your belly, which involves drinking this drink. And it makes you poop. And you also have to drink a lot of fluids like there's some it's a lot like i want to say a gallon over some period of time um it's a lot of pooping they have you vaseline your butt between poops you know when you blow your nose a lot and you just like rub it raw and it gets chapped and whatever well they're like

you're gonna be doing so much pooping here you want to vaseline that puppy in between and uh my wife did hers before me again she leads by example and she's like yeah that vaseline thing you'll appreciate you'll be glad you did it and um you spend a night on the toilet and just like settle in for that you know like you spend a night on the toilet and just like settle in for that you know like you spend a night on the toilet yeah yeah standing up slathering your ass on vaseline you walk up stand up and walk away and the rest of the family has to pretend that you don't have like a warming solution going on between your cheeks as you're watching tv you know what the nastiest thing in woody's house is that jar of Vaseline that he kept going back into for more like that

is the nasty oh I bet he had to double dip a couple times I'm sure it didn't survive the move to lube her up in that hospital that is the nastiest jar of Vaseline on the planet I hope that was disposed of I don't know where that jar is now I'm sure we don't have it but uh uh yeah and and the tale of it just that you get up and like, you know, the family has to pretend that something horrific didn't just happen. There's not a lot of getting up. No, no. I guarantee Woody's very open about this.

And all they probably had to do was like do this and they could hear the shitting. This is a night where you pick a Netflix show you like, get a laptop with some Wi-Fi, and watch it from the toilet. You're going to be there a bunch. And it's awful. And, you know, eventually you just poop out all you can poop. It takes hours. And you get up, of course. I don't know why doctors like to do everything at the crack of dawn, but they do.

So, you know, you're waking up at like 4.30 the next morning for your 5.30 appointment. And they bring you in there. And it's weird to me because everyone in that office knows about what's about to happen to you. And to them, it's casual. They do it four times a day. To me, it's a very private thing that's about to become public. And it's like – I'm here for the headaches.

It's just like they know you're there for a colonoscopy they know that there's going to be a team of people all gathered around your ass with a camera like a couple feet into it did at any point you hear them or see them being a little bit too casual with it like yeah give me that ass

camera Robin alright yeah this is going to be big alright like were they very professional about it were there any butt jokes I guess is what I'm asking. No. I have had that problem at other times, but I'll circle back to that. You go in, they lay you, and they put you on your side. And I'm just like, if I'm going to have surgery that day, they give you these medicines. The anesthesiologist is your bartender that day.

He is going to give you the hookup. Then they'll give you like, yeah, we give you this so that They're like, the anesthesiologist is your bartender that day. He's going to give you the hookup. Then they'll give you like, yeah, we give you this so that you're not nervous anymore. Because people will like panic as they start wheeling them around. And I'm like, I know the deal at this point.

I don't have any surgeries I've had in my life, but it's double digits, right? It's been heard a lot. All that general anesthetic cannot be good for you. My memory's bad maybe but they uh as soon as i go in there i'm like pavlog's dog like you know where i don't know

even know what it's called but it's like hook me up with that anti-anxiety shit it's the greatest i start like professing my love for Jackie. Oh, you're one of those people? You get really just moody on it? Apparently. Moody makes it sound like a negative thing. I am just happy and high. Happy and so high.

I'm just gloriously. I'm not even nervous. I'm excited in anticipation of this drug. How many times this drug injured yourself on purpose to go back never it's not yeah that's why he has so many surgeries the first time they put me on that like laughing gas shit i they had that tv right in front of me and it was just i had to watch like 40 minutes of glenn beck talk about god knows what can't even remember while i was high out of my mind never experienced it before it was horrible horrible now i hate it oh that's terrible no not me i haven't had a tv usually like my wife is nearby holding my hand or something and uh as soon as that iv goes in because they give you an iv as part of the uh the surgery experience and it's like if i'm gonna sit

here with an iv i feel like my compensation should be whatever fucking drug you give me that's so great and uh I'm just like you know when's that coming huh hi guys like let's get the drug rolling you know like hey anyone else down for a little IV whatever the fuck you give me because it's I'm a big fan and uh and then they give me that and and the rest of the experience is fantastic they they roll the I didn't know how they did the colonoscopy, like what position I'm in. Like, do I sit there doggy style getting a colonoscopy? Do they have a special...

You got trapped in like a BDSM dungeon. You know, like I thought I might be on my belly for it, like if I'm more realistic, or I also thought... Were you wondering how much spanking there was going to be? You just splayed out missionary style with your legs in stirrups no dignity whatsoever just you know how women get that they have like that they have a special table that like straps their legs in with stirrups and everything i thought maybe there'd be like a a variant on that where you just went doggy style for colonoscopies you know where like you just you just go in like this pommel horse type thing

and sit on it but what they actually do is use a regular, like, gurney operating table. And they lay you on your side. And then I guess at some point you, like, put one knee – one leg straight, one knee is bent. And they stick a camera up your butt. Now, the surgery happens and there's, of course, like no real recollection of that. You were unconscious for the surgery, right? Like, you're out. And you just wake up and it's happened. far as i'm concerned i'm unconscious but i guess what actually happens is i'm semi-conscious for the surgery but they give

you a memory that gives you like a drug with amnesia in it so yeah as far as i'm concerned i have no recollection of it at all but i remember coming out of it. And then here's the thing. They give you like some water and crackers or seven up and crackers or something like that. But they also want you to pass gas. And I'm not a big gas, like, I guess I'm a normal person with regards to passing gas, but I don't sit there and just rip farts in front of people. Like that's, that's, I've never been that guy. Even in high school, I didn't rip farts in front of people. I've never been that guy. Even in high school, I didn't rip farts in front of people when it seemed like all my peers did.

And here I am in the recovery room being graded on my ability to rip farts. Like all the nursing... You're trying to fart. It's just like you're trying to... Oh, that's a good one. Not too much. Yeah.

Rubbing your belly. Yeah, all the nursing... They like congratulate you like, oh, nice. Meanwhile, your wife is right there like yeah that's a good one yeah never gonna fuck you again exactly it's oh god that's that's the deal you know it it's like but like i guess they inflate you because the camera wouldn't work otherwise it would have no visibility yeah i noticed in those videos it seems like they've got a very

wide open uh like highway they're heading down so maybe they're pumping you full of air back there before things get started okay yeah well those aren't bad farts anyway i feel less bad about that because it's just like you're probably probably smell that bad it's probably just air exactly it's semi-contaminated right because you've got an empty digestive track with air that that's not the result of some digestive chemical reaction. Yeah, it's not methane gas. It's just air. I think it's regular air.

For all I know, it's CO2 or something. Hopefully, they're not doing CO2 or oxygen. Can you imagine an explosion in your ass? Oh, God. Yeah, yeah. We used to use O2, but that went bad. It could be nitrogen. I don't know what it is, but it's not like it's a stinky gas or anything.

It's air, and your digestive tract is pretty much empty because of the awful night before. But still, it sounds like regular farts, even if it doesn't smell bad, and you're doing it in front of everyone. And if they come back around like, all right, I've been away for four or five minutes. How's the farting going? It's like, this is not my normal. That whole thing with you talking about the air in there, I don't know why. It just made me think of when I was like maybe six years old at one of my friend's birthday parties. They had a bunch of helium balloons and then a bunch of regular balloons.

People just blew up and they're all over the place. And one of the adults cut open one of the helium balloons and sucked it in and like that was the first time any of us heard like the high voice thing like oh my god this is so funny so the parties keeps going how old are you at this point like six oh okay i'm sorry gone yeah no three months ago no so i was six and everybody just keeps playing the party starts to die down and some kids go out there and they start cutting up the helium and sucking it in too and And once all the helium balloons were gone, they just started picking up regular balloons off the floor that just had someone just blew these balloons up and just put them on the floor.

And so looking back, just thinking of my friends, like what the adults were thinking when they were just inhaling balloons full of this guy's dad's breath. I was wondering why does it taste like cigarettes and why isn't my voice funny i don't know why that popped in my head and it was so funny just picture your kid just willfully sucking up lungfuls of like a grandpa's breath this one's like bourbon and cigars this smells like my uncle's house it seems like inhaling alcohol is a thing that should work. Seems like it'd be really unpleasant if it was.

Maybe you're right. They do it in the butt. I think that's the way to go because you do so much alcohol in your butt and it absorbs directly so you don't eat and you don't vomit. Obviously, it's not in your stomach. You do like one shot in your ass and that's like seven shots in your stomach or something. Yeah. One beer in your ass and you're having a great real like it

Yes, okay Every so often they'll be a like story on the internet where they're like, you know what the high school kids are doing now Rainbow condoms right rainbow parties where all the girls were different colored lipstick and then their penises get Rainbows from all the blowjobs they're getting and I'm like wow When I was in high school. This sounds fantastic. And then you realize, like, dude, all of our viewers, if you're listening to this right now, leave a comment. Ever been

to a rainbow party? I'm betting you haven't. Even the great Kyle. And Taylor had quite the success back in his day. Ever been to rainbow parties, guys? It's only uncomfortable when the girls get mixed up with what color they're bringing and then they're, you know, And Taylor had quite the success back in his day. Ever been to rainbow parties, guys? No. It's only uncomfortable when the girls get mixed up with what color they're bringing,

and then they're, you know, oh, were you hot pink, or was Samantha hot pink? You liar. Never been to a rainbow party. Of course not. That's not a rainbow thing. There are things like that, but not in high school. You're going to have to go to some kind of a sex club. That's Vegas.

What kind of Microsoft Excel chart do they have seeing who gets what color for a group of 11 girls you know so cyan like somehow that circles back to the thing kyle was talking about which was um oh the alcohol up the butt i wonder like is that a real thing too? Yes. Yes. That's a real thing. I've never done that. But I have seen it done on television and I've read about it and I've heard about it. It's a thing. It totally is. They did it on the Stern Show. I've seen it there.

I know that Steve-O, he does it. And apparently you can get incredibly drunk. And alcohol poisoning can even be a problem because you absorb all of it. You know, your liver's not part of the process when you're just putting the alcohol right in your ass. And neither is your stomach. I just feel like it, like, okay, apparently it's a real thing and I'm wrong. But I thought to myself, like, aren't you missing a lot of the digestive process? Like, I couldn't put an aspirin in my ass and expect my headache to get better.

Sure, why not? If you ground the aspirin up, mix it with a little water, and then squirted that up there, you'd be great. So your body takes food, breaks it down, and then spreads its energy throughout the rest of you through, I think, chemistry and magic. I thought that process was also the same way that aspirin got spread around into your bloodstream and such.

Some things can absorb through your skin and into your cell walls. I know with aspirin, for example, one thing that I used to do whenever we'd get bee stings as a kid, you'd take the aspirin and you'd mix it with a little water and rub it between your fingers and then rub it right on the bee sting and it instantly takes the pain away. Yeah. It's like that material or that tissue in your rectum, I guess, is really, really porous. And so it very quickly sucks up all the alcohol in that shot. That seems like if it wasn't so awful, it would be such a great way.

Awful? Well, hell, getting it in there is half the fun. And I've come up with a much better way. What you want to do is you want to take a tampon, soak that in some hard alcohol, hard alcohol, and you want to get that up there. Get it in there real deep. And that way, you've got yourself sort of a tampon shot that you can at will get as disgustingly drunk as you want. This is brilliant, Kyle. Now, the other question is, can women get drunk through their vaginas? Vagina? No, but you can get a very bad infection and possibly toxic shock syndrome. So be aware.

It's like a pool in there. You need to watch the pH. Ass play only. Okay, good to know. I've never done that, and I don't like being drunk well enough to do it. But the things that I don't like about being, the things I hate the most about drinking is the vomiting. So I could definitely see the, like if you're one of those guys who like is in a situation where it's to be social and to stick with your friend group,

you really need to go out and party every night. I could see, I could probably become a butt chugger and that, and that sort of stuff. There's a couple of things I don't like about drinking. What is the taste? I don't do well with the taste. That's why we problem solved the sugar problem solved there.

What is the money i feel like especially if you want to get drunk outside your house like at a bar or something um it feels like you're in for like 30 or 40 bucks no one tampon one shot you're good to go now what yeah i guess yeah and if it really is seven to one then you've cut the cost by seven you know also if you're going to Red Robin and getting hammered on $8 Miller Lights, you've got a whole array of other problems to sort out. What are some examples of people

going to a certain thing to do their drinking just to get around the fact that they're an alcoholic? I got a good one. There are these beer festivals where they have these four- ounce cups of beer. You pay like $60 to get in and you drink all you want. This place is a haven for alcoholics.

A functioning alcoholics which is totally a thing. But there's lots of instances of that where people like those wine tastings. I remember we went to a wine tasting once and I actually found some wines that I liked which was shocking. Me too. We've talked about this before.

They're the dessert-y sweet wines. It's literally called dessert wine. The Riesling was too bitter. But I just remember there was like two guys there. I'm with my girlfriend. Everybody else is with a significant other, a wife or a husband or a girlfriend or a boyfriend. And then there's these two dudes there who are just slamming down flight after flight of like five wines at a time they're just like like that bouquet man yeah nutty they've just got teeth and upper lip slightly stained red just what do you think

about this one you see i i didn't drink another one of these if you brought it. They're uncertain about every one. Like, I don't really know. Give me a second shot. I need a second opinion. Yeah, one more. I was going to go to Mardi Gras this past weekend, and St. Louis has the second biggest Mardi Gras party in the country behind New Orleans,

and I found that out uh when my friends invited me a week ago because I who fucking cares but we're number two yeah I woke up that morning and I was too sick and I couldn't go but that's what I had is one of those like $80 like so I wasted like 85 bucks on this fucking ticket and I ended up getting sick from this you know typhcarrying lady that Melissa works with. She keeps getting us both sick. But, yeah, that's what we had. It was like a $90 pass where you can just go in and drink all day.

And from what I texted my friends who did go to that, it very quickly deteriorates from like – because it starts at 8 in the morning. Like our plan for that day was they were like, hey, just drive downtown. We'll meet you at our place at 8 o'clock. Bring some bacon. We're going to make breakfast. And then bring like a 12-pack. We're all going to get a little hammered before we go drink. It was like, okay, that should be fun.

And it apparently, it's probably for the best that I didn't make it out there. But it was just a shit show, I'm surmising. Sounds like fun, though. They talked about an event similar to this on the Howard Stern show. One of the guys who works in the back, Richard Christie, is an alcoholic, a very functioning alcoholic. But during the week, those five days, he gets pissed pretty much every day.

And he was going to this thing called – it was like a wing – one of the things he does is he wears diapers usually to concerts and stuff so he can just piss his pants. What? Yeah. That's pro level. MLG drinking. He says that an adult diaper soaks up so much of the urine that your thighs and balls and stuff aren't even wet.

You're instantly dry, and you don't have to do the line experience. But he was describing this event that was like wings and beer. And like you said, you've got to get up at like, it's a tailgating thing. And to even get a tailgating spot because it's a morning event, you've got to be there at like 6 a.m. or the night before. So they're all there since the night before tailgating getting wasted and then they go in and it's all the wings and beer they can eat so stern was like what's the bathroom like in a scenario like that he's like awful it's so awful and they had an interview with the the guy who has to clean the bathroom

and they asked him they're like what's the worst thing you've ever seen? He's like, shit on the walls. He goes, and when you have to clean the shit off the walls, what does it do to you? He goes, it breaks you down, man. It breaks you down. He's like a Vietnam vet. If you could say one thing to the attendees of Wing Drunk 2015, what would you say to them? Shit in the hole. That was all he had him shit in the hole that was all he had shit in the hole

janitor you know janitors that occupation that we've known since elementary school was one of the worst right because you got to see it firsthand you know i remember i always pissed in the fucking toilets but i remember it being like a second third grader and people running around just cocks flying and piss everywhere and just thinking like that dude's got to clean this shit up but janitor really really is an awful job to have um cleaning up after others is not something i know can see any like i can't even see like the bright spot of that like let's say you're you know there's lots of jobs that seem really awful at first a coal miner but maybe you know as a coal miner you got some great camaraderie with the

rest of the coal miners and you're a coal miner and you're in the union and there's a whole thing and it's a brotherhood a lot of coal miners work in an area where the other people are less professionally successful than you like it so i used to all go off-roading in harland kentucky a lot and when a guy would come in you could tell he was a coal miner because he had this coal miner dust all over him. And they'd come in at like a certain time of day. This is to a restaurant. And you're like, that dude is making, I'll make up a number,

you know, 65 grand a year or something. He's got a really hard job, but he's bringing it home for his family. You know, he's sort of more honorable than 75% of the people in this community. There's that going. Respectable job. It's a respectable job. Janitor to me, maybe it's when I see a janitor or when I interact with a janitor

or I have to do a thing that then the janitor's going to have to clean up, like when I'm disposing of trash or whatever. I think about him and I really, you know, I think back to uh breaking bad when when walt is like vomiting in the bathroom and horatio the kindly old janitor the kindly janitor is like you know give him the tissue he's like get back to class i'll clean this vomit up you got to teach mr white like i think i think of that guy with janitors but at the same time i'm

like that's that's one of the lowest jobs on the totem ball. I disagree. Terrible job. For me, it's a little bit different. Like when I worked at Cisco, it wouldn't be uncommon for me to stay late enough that the janitor's staff would empty my trash can. And I just pull it out for them to make their reach a little easier and put it back afterwards. But it's like this is a guy with an honorable job doing an honorable thing and it's kind of in private i would like i would take that over a mcdonald's job where like they're making me wear a paper hat in front of everybody everyone knows i'm making you know just a touch over minimum wage like it i feel like one of the worst parts about the mcdonald's job is not the job itself it's like uh like at least if you're like a an adult like if you're my age and there's a kind of embarrassment to like like the prestige or i

guess the complete opposite of whatever prestige is whatever the word for that would be the shame yeah not quite at least you have a job you know i i guess but i i don't know they're like what the teenage version of me didn't care about social structure at all at all and my father was like you know you want to like it's nice to be an engineer an accountant doctor lawyer whatever you know because people look at you in a certain way like i don't care how people look at me like i didn't and i didn't in my the core of me just didn't care at all. Now that I'm what at 42, almost 43, my birthday's this month. Um, uh, now I'm 42. I don't know. I, not that I'm all hung up on stack ranking everybody's professions, but I also, I would rather be a janitor in private, you know, where I went around to like office

buildings. Okay. In private. Yeah, sure. You know, then, um, then like a fast food worker in public. I really don't like the, the daily humiliation that could come along with, with being, uh, the McDonald's guy. Like maybe you're serving someone, you know, or something like that.

At least you're right. You're absolutely right about that. That it's, it would be preferable to clean trash and garbage in the dark than it would to serve food in the day however i don't want to clean shit in the dark because i'll know about that like that's i i just don't want to clean the shit i would rather sling the burger than clean the shit um but what if you get to mcdonald's and they're like all right you're on mop duty and they put you on shit duty at mcdonald's that's the end, right? That's a double whammy. I wasn't far from that.

You know, I worked at a restaurant when I was like 13 and 14. I rented bikes and then there was a restaurant attached to it, Flanders, whatever. And I worked the grill and just did whatever the worst jobs were. I really, really didn't like carrying the trash. Like restaurant trash is the most awful trash. It leaks. There's unknown fluids in it. Like it's whatever.

I guess people are throwing soda in a trash can. Oils and sodas. And then the soda pours onto the grease, which is draining on burgers. And, you know, whatever used to be bread is now some horrific fluid gel thing. And trash has a, there's a, there's a, there's trash is filthy. It's like home trash. is now some horrific fluid gel thing. And, um, and your- Trash has a, there's a, there's a, there's a,

trash is filthy. It, it, it, it's like home trash. I'm thinking like, like, you know, the juice from a packet of chicken is in there. And like, there's all, I, I, I've taken the trash out at McDonald's during my short tenure there. And I can confirm it was my most hated task. Yeah. And, and I don't know.

I feel like a lot of the jobs I had as a teenager, I got the worst part of it. Like, you know, I worked at, um, after that I went to a job that was clean and it was, it was a place called old salt in ocean city.

And, um, we sold like, it was sort of an upscale souvenir shop. Like they sold lamps and I don't, it wasn't just rubber sharks. Like there were some wooden chests with pirate coins or something i don't know what the fuck we sold so um uh but still someone like there's a a like a carpet rug mat thing right as you walk in the door we would take i'd have to take that outside and beat it to get all the

sand out of it because it was a boardwalk store, sand piled up. I always got that job. Breaking the boxes down. You'd have to cut the boxes, make them flat, and wrap them up. That was always me. And I'm like, I don't get it.

Of course, none of the girls were eligible for shitty work, but they got paid the same. And then even amongst the guys, the guys would have like i don't know they're windexing glass figurines and i'm outside like ripping up boxes and shit it's like why do i get the worst of every bad job here because i trust you woody i trust you i got a lot of faith in you you're gonna do big things one day now go go break down them boxes that would have fired you up right if he'd said that? No, I would have saw right

through it. Like, what trust of breaking down cardboard boxes? You're on the fast track to assistant manager. You see those assholes, Windex and Figurines? Why do you think they're doing that? You think I could give that kid a box cutter? He'll kill himself. You're my eyes and ears out here, Woody.

You're my number one. You're my eyes and ears. Yeah, even now, I don't know. I'm a little bit insulted, hurt. I don't know what it was. What was his name? The guy, Sharon was the lady who owned it. Sharon in Ocean City, New Jersey?

We're going after Dr. Man over there. Dr. Man is really a better target. Sharon was nice in a lot of ways. We'll let her slide for now. Dr. Mann is really a better target. Sharon was nice in a lot of ways. All right, we'll let her slide for now. No, dudes.

So Sharon, like a coach, created this really fun work environment, right? Everybody loved working at Old Salt. They were friends. They'd party together after work. They called themselves Old Salties. It was like this teenage polo shirt wearing gang, right? You know, like we were just all friends. And what I found fascinating, one of my coworkers wrote a college paper on it,

was how she took this fun culture where like she just made sure everybody fit together, right? There was no outsiders in the old salt world. We all were friends, all of us. And because the work environment was so cool she paid less than everyone else she was able to substitute like friendship for money and it it was a weird dynamic and everyone who worked there kind of knew it they were like yeah i could make 25 cents more an hour over there which in today's dollars might be like 60 cents more an hour.

Maybe that's a stretch, but whatever. It was significant. And, you know, but like, but then I'd lose all the guys and the girls, you know, like everyone liked each other. Yeah. So. You got a hockey game tonight, Taylor?

Blues are playing the Winnipeg Jets tonight. Hopefully we take them down and get two more points on the track to stay in the playoffs. Yeah, those points are important. When you get 13, you got a baker's dozen. That's what they say. Yeah. And then it's time for the smorgasbord. Yeah.

As is custom. You know what would be great is if we ever watch like a hockey game live together in person, I want you to commentate like you're the guy where you're like, oh, you know, he's got a real disc maneuver there or just because I guarantee you're going to lose track of the puck and be commenting the wrong things. Oh, look, it's over there, actually. No, no, no. Okay.

All right. All right. Turns out they weren't actually playing um this is called halftime all right there's no halftime no see there you go there's two halftime yeah there's three periods right so there's okay yeah that's great a while i've um i've never watched one uh um like on television i've watched pieces to tell that i don't like it but i've been to a couple of it was a fun atmosphere i really liked it i'd definitely go again and i would do that that would be really funny to do like uh complete ignoramus is uh commentary like a mystery science theater

kind of kind of thing they need to start putting that sort of thing on free tv you know like on the internet i really mean to say like you know you should be able to watch all of TV streamed over the net you know they'll just feed you the same commercials so why aren't you know why are they using cable instead of broadcasting it over the net I don't understand the business case for it yeah well you wanna call the show there yeah painkiller nearly episode 78 I almost hit the wrong button