Pappy's Flatshare - Beef Brothers Cold Cuts Case Closed S14E40

Episode Date: October 29, 2024

The Beef Brothers are here to solve your beefs once more...Pappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetPappy's Insta - https://www.instagram.com/pappyscomedy/Support us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareFind tickets to all our live shows here - pappyscomedy.com/liveEdited by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Greetings listener dear, I'm Tom. I am Matthew, Ben is on assignment and welcome one and all. And by one and all, I mean not Ben, but welcome you the listener to this very exciting episode of Beef Brothers Cold Cuts. Yes, and it feels like a landmark episode in some ways. It is. Yeah. It's a line in the sand. I believe there's a big there's a there. Yeah, there's a journey undertaken today.

Yeah, there's a realization. There's a drip, drip, drip. And then the torrent of realization. Yeah. During this episode. Yeah. It's an it's an important listen, guys. It's an important listen. I actually think this is a very brave episode of Beef Brothers.

Oh, I like this talk. I like this talk. Do you know, I always think of this. I always think of that guy at the theater coming up to me in the bar and handing me a flyer and saying, I actually think this is a very, very brave production. I'd love you to see it. And it was written and directed by him. So I don't know if you can call yourself very brave, can you? For doing a play at the ZO theatre.

It was Braveheart the musical, wasn't it? Oh yeah, I didn't remember. I didn't listen to him properly. I actually think this is a very Braveheart the musical. But anyway, yes, this is a this is a fun episode. It's an important episode. We're excited for you to listen to it. The the guests this week are two very, very beloved performers and writers.

So glad we managed to get them. How did we manage to snag them? Well, they weren't on holiday. That's how that's crucially. They weren't they weren't often one of the many gallivants. Yes. But what we should say is if you are a fan of this podcast and you would like to celebrate Christmas with us And why wouldn't you? then big exciting news We're gonna be at the underbelly boulevard a very new venue in Soho for our Christmas show

It's a fantastic thing. It was a beautiful venue. Great December the second is our show. We'd love to see you there. We've booked Bridget Christie already as one of the guests. We have another very exciting guest who is teetering on the brink of confirming. And as soon as they have confirmed, we will put their name out as well. Gosh, that looks amazing. The Underbelly Boulevard. Have you never been there before? You've got to go, man. We have to. You literally have to go. We can't do the show. It looks so cool. Fucking hell.

Yeah, I saw a kids magic show there, which was absolutely fantastic. And I think Clarkie Clarkie saw a show there and he enjoyed it so much. He's still there. He's having his holiday there. Oh, yes, it's great. But yeah, it's a brilliant venue. It's gorgeous. And tickets are available now. If you go to Pappy's Comedy Dotcom forward slash live, that's where you go to pappyscomedy.com forward slash live. That's where you can find tickets December the 2nd.

It's a Monday night. The show's at seven thirty. Bridget Christie is the first guest. The other one still to be confirmed. And of course, if you're a member of our Patreon, Patreon.com forward slash pappys flat share, you can get discounted tickets from there. And I know Patreon subscribers have already started buying their tickets. So get yourself to pappyscomedy.com forward slash live or patreon.com forward slash pappysflatshare and buy your tickets today because the Christmas episode, well, it's the absolute highlight of the

flat slam calendar. It really is. Absolutely. So we want to be able to hear that vague assonance live and in the flesh. It's going to be a lot of fun. We can't wait to see you there. Great. Should we crack on with the app? Absolutely. Good luck team. See you on the other side. Okay.

Yes. Yes. Okay. Okay. So what we've got here with this podcast is a slow whittling down. Whittling down is the word. Who's going to be the first to blink out of you and I, Perry, because because we dispatched with the guests a couple of weeks ago, a few weeks ago, we were like, oh, you know what?

Maybe we'll wind down the format of beef brothers. Yeah, we'll replace it with something else we didn't immediately we don't want to just rush into a brand new format. We all remember beef brothers cold cut sausage link. We all remember that you know, you can't just rush into these new formats. RIP resting pandemic. But what we do have now is this sort of, you know, we want to put out podcasts for the, for the lovely listeners. So we thought, we'll just do it without the guests, you know, nice, nice and easy. And we had a very good time. We've had

some real fun records. Yeah. And now this time it's not fun enough to keep Clarky around there. Apparently not. No, not not not as good as Greece. The two things Clarkie loves doing is complaining about not having any work and then spending whatever tiny amount of money he has on big holidays. Three or four a year. Three or four a year, often for a month. And always abroad. Always abroad. Absolutely. So we have not got a Clarkie this week. We do have beefs, don't worry. It's a Clarkie special. The first beef is in from Rhys James saying, I appeared as a guest on a podcast and

immediately the format changed. You're listening to grievances guys. It's one step up from the base. And this week we're dealing with Ben. No, no, no, no qualms with Ben go all day. Of course, you've got to. You've got to. If you live at the breakneck pace that he does, you've got to take the foot off the gas once in a while. Otherwise, you'll die. When was the last time you had a holiday? A holiday? And a proper abroad holiday. I think it was about two and a half

years ago. And it was because someone was getting married in Spain, so we had not to go. And I really begrudged it. I don't count that. I was like, this isn't fair. What are we going to have to go? And we went for three nights to Spain because of this wedding. Yeah. I was very begrudging about it, which I mean, I'm sure my wife really enjoyed.

But it's, yeah, it's big ask, isn't it? These days saying come, come to Spain for our wedding. Oh, are you Spanish? Nope. No, you're not a Spanish person. Nope. We just really like it. We like the idea of Spain. Well, I tell you what, if you really like Spain and the idea of Spain, there's such a thing as a honeymoon. Yeah. And you can do that on your own.

Don't make us have to pay honeymoon rates for your wedding. I've had my honeymoon. And you know who I didn't bring along on it? Forty of my dearest friends. I just I didn't. I just thought, you know what, who would really benefit from this honeymoon more than anyone else?

Me and my new wife. Yeah. Anyway, anyway, yeah. Centigrade, centigrade. I've got no memory of my last holiday. I couldn't tell you what it was. Yeah, yeah. I couldn't tell you. I have a feeling. Oh, actually, no, no, I do have a memory.

It was a wedding. It was a memory. I've just just clicked into place. It was already in Italy. That one I didn't begrudge. I really enjoyed a memory. It was a wedding. It was a memory. Yeah, it was a wedding. I've just it's just clicked into place. It was a wedding in Italy. That one I didn't begrudge. I really enjoyed that one. It was good. It was that was good fun. But yeah, I've got a thing with weddings, weddings.

I've got a real thing where I will. I don't know if you get this as well. You see on social media someone gets married who you're not particularly close to. Yeah, you are hugely aggrieved. They didn't invite you. Yeah, someone gets married who you're not particularly close to. Yeah, you are hugely aggrieved they didn't invite you. Yeah. You didn't invite them to your wedding. Didn't invite them to my wedding.

Yeah. And yet. And yet here we are. Here we are. I'm staring at Instagram going, Oh, right. Great. You got married to someone I've never seen before in my life. I wasn't invited and I wasn't invited. I was in a wedding recently where the other thing is, of course, if you do invite me, then really annoyed. It's like I literally can't be happy with any situation around around weddings, apart from, of course, my own and that lovely one I went to in Italy. I'm the one in Devon. Yeah. Your one in Devon was you know what your one in Devon. I

think we got a good deal out of that because we got there were there were there's a hierarchy of wedding you know there's there's obviously this top table there's the there's the the bride the groom the families the best man that kind of the bridesmaids and then everybody else unless one of those everybody else is 38 weeks pregnant. Yeah. In which case they get they got we got pretty we got pretty nice treatment I would say at that wedding. But also having not been having not been through that at the time, obviously, once I was going through having

a wife who's pregnant and 38 weeks pregnant, it's just like, that's your entire experience of my wedding is my wife is 38 weeks pregnant and I've brought Devin for your wedding and I've got to get her home before she gives birth. That's your experience of my wedding that can only be that. Well, it was also it was I've got a list of a bunch of hospitals between London and Devon that I've never been to before that we might just we might just have to rock up at, you know, in what will what you know, what feels like a very romantic comedy kind of way, but is actually extremely scary kind of way, just just random hospital that we don't know anyone at. We'll have to show up there. And that's where we're gonna that's where we're gonna have our baby. Our baby could be from Devon. Oh, mate, our baby could be, you

know, a little Cleo could have been a Devon Sheer lass. And that was the rules is just to live here, then. That's the rules. That's how they get then. That's the rules. That's how they get you. That's absolutely right. That is how they get you. That's what they do. That's why your wife eventually had to move back.

Well, that is like that has become a real thing really like the amount of dads I meet now, none of them are from Devon. So we meet and they're like, where are you from? And it's like, oh, Leytonstone. How long have you been here? Six years. And it's like, yeah, yeah. How did they get you? And it's like, oh, Leightonstone, how long have you been here? Six years. And it's like, yeah, yeah. How did they get you?

And it's like, yeah, my wife and I. Everyone's the same. It's become like a recurring, like Will Adamsdale is here and Mike Wozniak's here and occasionally we get to meet up and our recurring theory is that they send their women out into the world to find men of middling to low ability. Is that what they need? For the war effort? They need men of middling to low ability.

They need to widen the gene pool. So they go with a mission to find people and bring them back. Everyone ends up back here. Everyone's got a wife from Devon. No one can really fathom that they've ended up in Devon. No one planned it. All these guys are like, I was having a great, I was living, I was living there. I was having a great time. It was brilliant.

Then yes, suddenly we're here and well, you know, it's been an adjustment. Everyone has the same story. It's like, it's like suddenly, kind of like, you know, like the sleeper kind of agents in Russian spy films, where sometimes they don't even know that they're an agent until a code word activates. Yeah, until you're activated. So you're just gonna, someone's gonna whisper pasty into your ear and suddenly... Yeah, there's one morning and you're off to your kind of thriving career in East London. You're kind of like a city girl.

You love it. And suddenly you hear pasty on the tube and you just go, do you know what, we're going home. And it's like, what? Yeah, okay, great. Like ballad. No, no, no, home, home, let's go. Like, what? If you love me, you'll come with me.

And then before you know it, you're in Exeter. And it's happened, it's happened. And it's like to a man, every single person I meet, you go, so your wife from here, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Parents down the road. Yeah. Yeah. It's nice. It's nice. I didn't see him yourself. Yeah, me too, brother. Me too. Was there ever any discussion? Now, obviously, you know, a lot of a lot of these talking of resting pandemic, a lot of these sort of situations cropped up when, you know,

when the when the world when the world changed, you the, when the world, when the world changed, you certainly, you moved back to devil when the world changed. Was there ever a discussion of going to the black country? Was there ever a discussion of going back to your roots, your, your Midlands roots? A brief, a brief one. Once I did. I got the wool bit out, but the Hampton bit was shut down pretty quickly. No, there was, there was a lot, there was, there's a lot of extenuating factors in the, in the, in the kind of course. When you say when the world changed, it does feel a little bit like we've been done over here because you go, the world definitely changed and it was really mad.

But now everyone just kind of collectively kind of goes, no, it wasn't really though though It was a blip and it's fine and then you kind of go well when you made big decisions around that event that it feels like Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're like the guy who they said the planes about to crash so you started jerking off That's why Clark keeps going on holiday Desperate desperate to get the news that the plane's about to crash. Ready, primed. Clark, you can jerk off in your own house. For free. Yeah, a little bit.

You kind of go like everyone goes like, yeah, and then, but it wasn't real. And you kind of go, but it was real. Wasn't it? Remember it was real. It was real. We don't like to think about it though. So when we go, it was real. And I think there are industries, there are generations that are going to be irrevocably affected by it.

I think that's fair to say, isn't it? Yeah. Um, your generation, for example, the generation of you and your mates, you'll be drivenrevocably damaged. The entire generation of dads just wandering lost around the streets of Heavartree. It's a lovely place. It's a gorgeous place. I had a great time there.

You know, I've... I mean, it was... And also it was cheap. Like, the reality of the decision, just to say, because I know my wife will listen, is there was a very real chat about going to the black country or going to Devon. And I loved the idea of going to Devon because for me, it's not going back. Whereas Jane was like, but now I'm just going back. But it's definitely exciting. And I was like, for you it is. For me, it seems like a huge step back.

Like Jane's the one who's walking the streets, bumping into primary school friends every week and going like, oh yeah, I knew her from when we went to swimming club together. And it's like, you're having to reintegrate with your relationship with your childhood in a way that I'm not going to. Instead, it's like, oh, brave new world for me onwards. Whereas for Jane, that's what she has to deal with. So that is the reality of it, really. It is a lovely place.

Absolutely. It's kind of like a genre film, isn't it, of the person who ended up back at home and is dealing with their... It's that. That's Jane's kind of... That's the reality of it. And going like, Oh yeah, I used to know that person that, but like every day she sees someone new who she used to know. Yeah. That's not nothing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, to be honest, I managed to do, but I managed to do both because I am, I'm

living in the borough that I was born in. Yeah. But I did, I mean, I sort of technically did move back from it because I've lived in other boroughs in and around South London, but I've not really ever moved that far. That's because I live in South London. Yeah. So I sort of, you know, I love working in London. I live in South London. I've, you know, but that said, if you speak to people I went to school with and I tell people I moved to Beckenham, they're like, oh,

because it's very much, very much Beckenham is where our parents aspired to live, right? If your, if your, if your mates parents did well, they moved to Beckenham. And I think that's in my mind a little bit of it. Certainly that was our thing. We decided we're going to move to Beckenham. So you're a social climber basically? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a middle-class person. That's who wants to be. Who wants to live in a nice, leafy area. Because this is it. A lot of people I know, when they move to London, they go, well, I'm going to live in a nice leafy area. Because this is it. Like a lot of people I know when they moved to London, they go, well, I'm going to live East because that's where life is. But I've been East. I've been East. There's too much life. It's so funny how that you go 100 years ago, it was the opposite. I live in the East and

that's where death is. It's so funny how like the worst place in London became the vibrant, lively places. Oh my God, don't get me talking on how pens used to be stamp duty exempt. We've got to solve a beef. And actually, this is very apropos. Do you want to do Mike's beef? Here we go. Read the title of the beef and we'll see what we're talking about. Very apropos, do you want to do Mike's beef? Here we go. Oh, read the title of the beef and we'll see what we're talking about.

Pregnant wife beef from Mike via beefbrothers at gmail.com. Before we read the beef, right? It's already a spicy beef. Just looking at the title, Pregnant Wife Beef. Let's face it, I'm not going to say anything. She's going to have to have done something pretty bad. Here we go. Okay. In we go. In we go. Mike, I'm worried for you, mate. I'm not going to lie.

Dear Pappies and esteemed slash last minute guest, delete is appropriate. Well, we did delete them. Joke's on you. Was it appropriate? You tell us did. Jokes on you. Was it appropriate? You tell us. I am writing to you with some baby related beef veal, if you will. Don't lighten the tone. We know where you're going. Recently, we had the amazing news that my wife is pregnant with our second child.

I am, of course, over the moon. However, this time around, my wife has been suffering with morning sickness, which leads me to the beef. Okay. Can we all just take a little breather here? Because this is very much, this is very much the guy having a very calm conversation on a raft with his back to the waterfall. He doesn't know which way he's heading, does he? Okay. He's been having mordant sickness, which leads to the beef. I hope it's a self beef.

It doesn't feel like it's gonna be. No, I know exactly. I've just seen the absolute doozy of a line. Right, anyway, the context, we both work from home and normally split house tasks evenly between us, cooking, hoovering bins and toilet for me. Okay.

That's like you need the toilet after I do the cookery, hoovering bins. And then it's the toilet for me. It's the vibration of the Hoover. It jiggles something in our friend Mike, doesn't it? It jiggles something around. Is that what toilet for me? However, about eight weeks in my wife started to suffer with morning sickness. Which meant that she spent most of her time in bed as laying down made her feel better.

During that time, I was happy to step up and do all of the housework and childcare for our daughter. Fast forward a few weeks, and now she's thankfully getting over the morning sickness. However, I am still doing the lion's share of the housework. And so we arrive. Because one thing I will tell you about pregnancy is it gets easier as it goes along. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Once it starts, famously, if you can get through the first trimester, you're on easy street, you're on plane sailing. I would say, and also what I would say about my experience, if anyone I've spoken to has

been pregnant, there's only ever one thing that bothers them about it. So once the morning sickness is out of the way, then it doesn't, you know, I'm sure the, you know, the pelvic girdle pain or the fact that you have someone literally kicking your internal organs consistently. Or the fact that your body is literally growing things like human nails inside of them. Like that stuff is just walking the park stuff really. Yeah. And they, they say, they say they're tired, but come on, we all get tired, right? I'm bloody taking the bins out recently. That's carrying something. You can just be on autopilot. Can't you?

Well, that baby grows. Absolutely. Am andrew tate for thinking maybe she could take back a few of the tasks that I took over oh my should I just suck it up and do the housework after all she will be doing the hard work for the birth she will be doing the hard work oh yeah cuz she's not doing hard work now she's just been a lazy old isn't she sorry I'm not gonna say that's too rude I've gone too far I've gone too far Emma ble Emma, bleep the word I said. Bleep that. Bleep the word. I will put the word in the show notes. Alternatively, can you think of some housework which might

be better for those with child? Any and all advice appreciated? Mike from Japan. Mike. Mike. Japan. Mike. Japan. Mike, Mike, Japan, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike. I can't imagine anybody would read this message and be on your side. What I'm hoping is that we love this out loud. You'll be like, oh, yeah, no fair play, actually. You've had a wobble and we all have wobbles and it's okay to have a wobble.

But I think now you're hearing it back to you. Then hopefully you'll reflect. Are you tired, Ray? Are you tired doing the hoovering in the bins? The toilet? Is it a drain on you? Is it a sort of physical and emotional drain on you? Having to not just do the hoovering, but also occasionally do some of the dusting as well.

She might have a busy day when she's giving birth, you are right, that's when the hard work starts. She's got one busy day coming up on the horizon. And what's he saying? This is Mike's second child. So they beat through it once before, you know, you know, right? Well, listen, yes, you do get a nine month break, but you do have to work a real fucking shift for that.

And also, you know, Mike, let's not forget, some births aren't a day. That could be four days. So even if you just send the birth, you know, I think I think here's, here's what I'd like to say to you, Mike. I think yes, you're doing all of the housework for the rest of the pregnancy. I'm gonna say you're doing all of the housework for probably the next year at the very least

because you are, you know, and not only the housework, you are going to be helping your wife because she's gonna need water, she's going to be, when you're breastfeeding, you are rooted to the spot now with your first kid that can be obviously right. Firstly, we don't we're not going to assume it's breast whatever when you're feeding you're kind of rooted to the spot you've got a baby in your arms. You're looking after this

baby. That's what you're doing. Okay. Sorry to say sorry to go into the assume it's breastfeeding whatever situation you're in. It's hard when you're in the first with the first baby, right? Because it's all brand new. It's even harder with the second baby because there's another little kid running around who also needs your attention and cannot understand why they got all the attention and then suddenly a new kid comes in spoken like

I'm the first child I should say I remember it very very well when Luke came along my life changed I'm still recovering I'm still doing therapy for it. It was good for us though because it launched your comedy career didn't it? Without that look at me I'm still here energy then. Oh absolutely. Me and Clark could still be theatre education. God bless you. But yeah, so you just have to go look, you, you have to realize that you're no longer the main character in the household, right? You should have realized that when the first kid came along, but you are no longer the main character of the household. You are a an ancillary character whose job it is to make sure that the smooth

running of the household continues. You're not the picture, you're the frame. You're not the picture, you're the frame beautifully put. Frames don't complain. And you know what? Hey, you're allowed to feel aggrieved about it. Not out loud. You're allowed to feel aggrieved about your mates, you know, get yourself a little, get yourself a little WhatsApp group. I've

got one with some, with some, uh, some other dads where we can complain about. Brave to put it in writing, brave to put it in writing. But you can never do it out loud. When I'm meeting with my male friends, I check that one of them isn't wearing a wire, check never put it in writing, never something that can be traced back to you. Go somewhere open air, then you can verbalize it, make sure it's not being recorded. And then that and that's it. That's where it exists.

You just you prefer to just shout it into a hollow tree, don't you? That's that's your my only friend. My thing now with this is not to say that we don't. Charlie and I don't have arguments, don't complain about each other's behavior and all of that kind of stuff. But my only thing is sometimes you will all the mundane stuff like not putting things in the right recycling

or opening up the dishwasher and there's, you know, a Tupperware that's been left upright is now full of water. I think for a split for a split second, I go, well, that's annoying. But then I sort of look back on me as a person and go, yeah, is it as annoying as all the stuff that you do? No. So why would you go, Oh, look at this Tupperware? And then because then what you're doing is saying, any notes notes any notes for me. That's what you're not opening. Got any got any things you'd like to share with me

about how I am? Because I don't need that. You know, I know the notes. Let's just push them. Let's just push. Let's push those things until they turn into a lovely diamond. But yeah, for our 10 year anniversary. And so Mike from Japan, what's our advice to Mike from Japan? See this nine months as training for the next year after that, because this bit is the easy bit you do in all this stuff now with just one kid on the scene who hasn't yet had the baby arrive.

This is actually the easy bit for you. Yeah. And in the same way that your wife is ramping up for the next level of things, you're ramping up for the next level of things. And this is just training for what's about to come because once that second birth arrives, that next year of your life is a blur, my friend. And you're going to have to change gear and suck it up. It's so true. And can I say as well, also Mike, you're acting as if, well, when that's over, then it'll be fine.

Mike, your life is never going to be fine ever again. Okay. So stop saying, stop going like, oh, now the morning sickness is over. She's probably fine to do the bins. No. Oh, what's that? And then Tom, well, Tom's told me that after the first year, no, no, no, no, no. After the first year, it's a new level of, you know.

You've got about five years. It's a phase that we've taken to refer to as being in the trenches. Yeah. And you're not in the trenches yet, but you'll be in them soon. Yeah. And then you'll be there for about five years. So stop looking out onto the horizon and start looking down at your feet, mate, because dig, dig, dig, dig, exactly. Dig for victory and but equally you will have no victories.

That's what that's what my group's called. It's called everything's a phase because you go through a period like at the moment we've got my youngest not sleeping just getting up throughout the night wandering around the house. You know, good laugh. And Gammel told me that there's a what I'm trying to think it would be a cousin or something who used to used to do that. You know, that phase where they just get up and they just go for a wander. And they used to call the cousin the night watchman. And that's what we've got in the moment. We've got the night watchman.

Sylvia's a night watchman at the moment where you will hear scutterings around. You just go into the hallway. She's just there. And you're like, what are you doing? I'm up. No, you're not. It's 2am. You're going back to bed. But equally, I remember it going. I remember this phase with Cleo. It's a phase. It will pass. But you know, but at the end of each phase,

do you know what's waiting for you? Another fucking phase. So don't start another phase. No, you can't. You can never be complacent, Mike. Copy that. Well, that bit's over. Now we're on easy street. Anyway, congratulations on the second pregnancy.

I hope you have a wonderful time. Beef solved. Brother, sorry, I got beat. Oh hope you have a wonderful time. Beef solved. Beef brother sounding like a beef! Beef solved! Oh, oh. Heady beef. Yeah, that really stuck close to home, didn't it? Yeah. Got the juices flowing that one, Mike.

Yeah. And I'll say, I'll say this now, I feel like Clarkie would have had less to contribute. I think Clarkie probably saw that in the inbox and took his holiday. He was like, I can't, I can't. To be honest, I did email that to Clarkie to be read on last week's episode, but we just didn't end up doing it. Yeah. He read two paragraphs of that was on lastminute.com.

Right. Here we go. This one comes from Elliot. He sent it in via beefbrotherspodcast.gmail.com. Right, here we go. This one comes from Elliot. He sent it in via beef brothers podcast at gmail.com. I'd suggest you do the same. But who knows how long we're gonna be doing this for? Everything's a phase. Greetings, papis. Greetings, Elliot. Long time listener back to the bangers and mash days. First time before. Oh, well, we we hugely appreciate you sticking with us. And here's a free range beef which I have no one to blame but myself. Sounds

like beef salt. By the way, I bet you this self owning than Mike's message. Here we go. Roof Chatby from Elliot. The roof of my bedroom started leaking in January 2021. Oh, what? I mean, you get the list as you deserve, but come on, guys. That's a lot of time, man. Take a bit of ownership of your own existences. The roof of my bedroom started leaking in January 2021.

That sounds like the first line of a novel. Listen, have you considered moving to Devon? Not a slight trickle, mind you. Proper Niagara Fool stuff. Obviously, the smart and normal thing to do would be to get it fixed immediately. I haven't done that. I just moved to a far worse room of the house and left it there as mold started to take over my previously lovely bedroom. Almost four years have passed. As I write this, it strikes me just how mad this is.

I think sometimes just like, as we said with Mike, just putting it down and, you know, just the writing it down, just the journaling of it. Jason Vale That's the service we provide. Jason Vale We're providing ineffectual men with the chance to journal. Jason Vale We could stop doing this format, keep the email address open, every so often say, keep your beefs coming in, and people would still love it. Jason Vale We're going to replace it with a hollow tree. Jason Vale I quite like the idea of that as a format. It's just called the hollow tree. And people just get in touch with things that they've needed to say

that they can't say to anyone. Have we found our new format? It's just called the hollow tree. The anonymous. Yeah, you send in an anonymous email. We just do it like a Google form. It's an anonymous account and you can just say, look, this is something I need to get off my chest. And then what you really hope for is what you really

hope for. I mean, I think, I think it's, it's, it's treading on the toes of this hole. Do you remember this hole? Have you ever seen fast? Yeah. Trading on that, but it's not quite. Yeah. Is it? Cause it is not a confession. This is a, no, This is just a that this is playing on my mind. I need to get it out. The hollow tree. Yeah, I like it. What you really hope is that somebody does a CJ from eggheads and confesses to a murder. And this becomes a becomes a true crime podcast.

And then we and then we solve it. We solve it. Exactly. Yeah. We solve it anyway. Let's get back to Elliot's Elliot's message. Oh, this is bad. It's reminding me actually of my first time at the Edinburgh Fringe 2002. When I did a play about the Bible, because I was so into the idea of doing you John the Baptist, I played a few different characters. Yeah, I played Moses as Moses for a bit of a big, big one, big one. Was this before? No, you still had quite long hair back then. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Have you know, the

long hair has been a sort of on off. You're still I mean, you're still very much in the casting model for that. I think I could, you know, if I think I think the last acting role I did was for bloke who looks a bit like Jesus. Although when I showed up on the day, they were like, the beard's not strong enough. Can we stick a fake beard on your beard? I was really disappointed, really disappointed. But yeah, when I first went to Edinburgh with the with the tetragrammaton, we stayed in a working men's club. That was where that was our accommodation. It was just outside of Edinburgh. We stayed in a working men's club. That was where that was our accommodation. It was just outside of Edinburgh. We stayed in a working men's club. And that talk about a hierarchy there.

There was a hierarchy. The producers were all in a flat above the working men's club. Gorge the kitted out flat. And then the downstairs was the cast and the cast were in a working men's club with strip lighting, like fluorescent lighting. You couldn't turn off and water pouring down the walls into like these into like the electrics. It was insane.

Oh, the only way to get up to the flat was to start sleeping with one of the producers. And as the producers were all men and all heterosexual, that was impossible for me to to impossible. How long did it take you? To climb the greasy pole. to to impossible. How long did it take you? To climb the greasy pole. You auditioned for Mary Magdalene.

They saw something. I watched. I washed their feet with the running water coming down the side of the bill. In the wall water that was also fizzing with electricity. Oh my God. Did it become wine at any point? I certainly wind about it. in the war water that was also fizzing with electricity. Oh my God. Did it become wine at any point? I certainly wind about it.

I'll say that much. Anyway, yes, as I write this, it strikes me just how mad this is. Anyway, around the time the leak started, I mentioned it to one of my neighbors, Russell. He's a bit of a local character, absolutely lovely man, lived here all his life, knows everything about everyone, walks to the limp, wears a yellow hypers jacket as his everyday clobber. You've painted a picture there, Elliot. We've got a very, very clear idea of who Russell is. I am loving this email.

I bumped into Russell a few times a week as we both make our regular pilgrimage on foot to the local Tesco Express. Please note, there is only one route from my house to Tesco with no way of turning off it or taking a D2. If we're both out and about bumping into each other is inevitable. When I see Russell, my heart sinks as I know he'll greet me every single time with his now standard opening question. How's the roof? OK, oh no. Four years on, I've run out of four years, four years.

I've run out of ways to answer this question and I am convinced he now thinks of me as an absolute maniac who refuses to engage in basic home maintenance. I think you're putting a lot on Russell there because you are an absolute maniac who refuses to engage in basic home maintenance. He's even given me the name of a local roofer he knows who is meant to be excellent. Have I called him? Have I balls? There are only so many times I can claim I'm too busy or the roofers have gone AWOL on

me before he starts asking questions. Again, I know this is my fault, but how can I stop him from constantly asking me about the bloody roof? I think your roof apart from fixing it, obviously I'm not made of money. Cheers everyone by I mean, again, it feels like we've had two beefs here back to back where the answer is just staring you right in the face. And he says, apart from fixing it, obviously, I'm not made of money. I appreciate that it's going to be an expensive.

But here's what's more expensive. Your entire house collapsing. And he's your neighbor, so he's going to be... He's not prying. If your neighbor's roof is fucked and pissing water, that's going to affect your house at some point. Yeah. So if one house collapses, there's a dominant effect.

Yeah. I mean, you're going to have to fix your roof. I'm afraid so. In the four years that you've not acted on fixing the roof, you could have quite conceivably taken an online course and practiced enough to fix that yourself over four years. Yeah. I imagine the training period to be a barely competent roofer is probably somewhere between two and four years worth of apprenticeship.

You could have in your spare time learned how to do it probably by now. And, or if you'd have saved, oh, there's no point saying this because it's all, but like, you know, if you're saving five pounds a month over four years, you could probably afford to fix your roof. Maybe more than that, but yeah, it might be a little bit more than that. You're not going to need a brand new roof for you. You just need to fix your. Well, you are now.

I'd say I'd say maybe maybe in January 2021, you could be. But listen, we're here to we're here to solve the situation as it stands, not to say we'll get a time machine and go back to January 2021. No, I know it's not helpful to do that. I think this is indicative in Elliot's behavior of a bigger problem. Where you're looking elsewhere for a big problem in itself, though, we should say, Oh, it's very much a big problem yourself. You've got two big problems, one of which is external, one of which is internal.

Oh, and they both need to be fixed immediately. He doesn't need to. He doesn't want to hear this. You can't, I'm afraid, say bloody hell. I wish I didn't have to see Russell because then I wouldn't have to. Poor Russell, man. Poor Russell. It's not. And you know what? The phrase local character says a lot about a person, but when a local character is also the voice of reason, then you're in trouble, mate.

You're in real trouble. When high vis Russ is speaking the most sense. You can't blame Russell. You can't like I've moved to a different part of the house. I remember hearing about. Linnehan and Matthews. I was going to say, yeah, that's exactly what it made me think of. I remember thinking hearing hearing about Linnehan and Matthews and Linnehan and Matthews.

A producer was talking about how they they found out that basically they were so incompetent, they couldn't change light bulbs. So every time a light bulb went out, they just moved to a different part of their flat where there was a light bulb until that light bulb came out and then they eventually brought it around to help them change the light bulb. I remember thinking at the time, wow, that's amazing. And you look back at it and go, wow, that is really bad. We thought that was really inspiring

when we first started out. It was like, they were so focused on writing that they- Yeah, someone went around the house and said it was all pizza boxes and they were living in one room of the house because all the other lights had gone out because they were just so focused on writing. Yeah, they were like,

why are you writing in the back bedroom? Why is that your office? And they were like, oh, because all the other light have gone out because they were just so focused on writing. Yeah, they were like, why are you writing in the back bedroom? Why is that your office? And they were like, oh, because all the other light bulbs have gone. So they were just going from room to room until the light bulbs have run out. But. On reflection, you just got to learn how to change the light bulb. Yeah, guys, looking back on it now, we don't think Graham Linhan is cool anymore. We should just say that. Yeah, guys, looking back on it now, we don't think Graham Linnahan is cool anymore.

We should just say that. And actually, the thing we thought he was cool for, we should we should have clocked that in the first place and gone, no, fuck that as well. It's just the idea of what else are you sweeping under the rug? What other thing you're these are problems, man, you've got. You've got to deal with them. You've got to face them head on. You are people who are living life. You cannot live life going, well, hopefully this situation will change of its own accord. I'm talking to Mike in Japan. I'm talking to Elliot. You can't just look at these things and go, well, eventually, my wife's going

to get better and she can go back to doing the bins. Oh, eventually, you know, I'll just maybe there'll be a leak in this bit, there are moved to the other bit there. I'll just live in the bathroom for the rest of my life. You've got you, you have to, you have to take responsibility for yourself. You know what, at the very least, get out there and befriend a Ruth so you can get mate's rates. Yeah. Get somebody else in your life. You know, is there no one else in your life who could help you in some way to, to, to, to try and, you know, You've got to fix your roof, man. I think even to fix your roof, even a little YouTube botch job. If there's water

pouring out of your roof, I think even that I would say as well that to find out where the waters come. There's a leak, find out where the water is coming from and turn that water off. At the very, very, very least, turn that bit turn the water off. Is it rainwater that we're dealing with here as well? Even then. Fix your roof, man. I can't.

I just. Stressed is. Stressful that is. And leave poor local character Russell out of it. Or. All right, OK, let's let's let's go. Listen, Russell has a bit of a can do spirit. Let's go up there.

I'm going to tell I'm going to be on Russell. Yeah, I'm going to say, look, Russell, I'm going to be honest with you. It started in January 2021. You found out about it at some point. I don't know why I must have told you it's I've done nothing about it. But today, Russell is the first day of the rest of our lives. Come around the house. You and me, we're going to do our best.

We're going to fix it. Even if it just means balling up a high of his and sticking it in the hole. That is what we're going to do. Right. We get you and I going to do it together. You know, if you feel like Russell is part of the problem, really making and get Russell around there, please fix your roof. But they stress me into yawning that. Really making all and get Russell around there. Please fix your roof buddy. Oh

Stress me into yawning that Is yeah, it's what yeah, it's really it's really I Think I think part of the reason why we can't do these beasts anymore is that we can't Part of the reason why we can't do these beefs anymore is that we can't handle it guys. They've become too real. You know, they've become too real. You know, we used to be like, oh yeah, here's a funny answer. Make a big plug monster and all that kind of stuff. We're not like jolly lads in our 20s going, you've left the top off the yoghurt?

Oh, whoa! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like fix your roof, man. Fix your roof. Respect your pregnant wife, mate. I don't know how old you guys are, but I can give it a guess. And you're old enough to be fixing your roof and respecting your wife. Stress me. Yeah, no, beef, beef, both beefs unsolved. We can't have closure on these both beefs. You but look, you know what? I think here's the problem as well. We cannot keep solving these beefs. You have to solve beefs for yourself guys. You've

got us at the end of our tether. We cannot keep moving from room to room to room to room to accommodate our listeners. We're going to stay in this room and you are going to fix the fucking roof and you are going to take the bins out. Take the bins out. Right. Right. We've done it. Right.

Right. We've done it. We got through it. Beef's closed. Okay. I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel I feel I feel I feel clean. I feel genuine. I feel like I feel like we've heard something reached the destination. It feels like

arrives at our destination. Yeah. Join us in obviously the house meetings will continue to pace. The there's some very strong flaps slams coming up around the corner. But join us in 2025 for a new format, which I think might well be us traveling to a variety of listeners houses and knocking them over with a fucking rubber mallet. Wearing different types of shoes.

Of course, we'll be wearing different types of shoes. Because don't forget, Clarkie will be arriving in a giant clog. Yes. There we go. Wow. Big.

Huge. Wow. Absolutely huge. Open and closed shut beef case. Yeah, man. And then thrown into the Thames attached to a brick yeah the beefcase the beefcase in a local character in a high of his jacket has lobbed it into the Thames yeah I believe now we'll be returning what

would do that like you said we do the house meetings we do the the flat slams will be returning in 2025 with a brand new format, possibly a brand new format that incorporates guests because we do love having guests on, we'll work it out. This is a real lesson to Clarky isn't it, go away on holiday and we will retire a format that we've run with for 10 years. This is a warning shot across the bows, you never leave again. Absolutely. If you have a beef you would like us to solve, the only way to get it solved now is to come

along to the Underbelly Soho on the 2nd of December for our Christmas show for a Christmas related beef. That is what we're after guys. Come along, grab your tickets today. Bridget Christie is our guest, other guest guest TBC, but they will be fantastic. But most of all, especially on the Christmas show, the show is the star. You want to come for the show. So, yeah, come along to that.

We will see you there. Don't forget, racing dot com forward slash papi flat share as well. Of course. Today's episode was produced by the caution. Caution. Cheers, everyone. Bye.