Pappy's Flatshare - Beef Brothers Cold Cuts Sausage Link S11E22

Episode Date: May 31, 2021

Welcome to the beginning of a strange experiment, we got 6 amazing comedians and stuck them through a sausage machine with some of your beefs and some of their own… With Ed Gamble, Lou Sanders, Fatiha El-Ghorri, Darren Harriott, Athena Kugblenu & James AcasterPappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetSupport us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareEdited by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Greetings, listener dear, I'm Tom. I'm Matthew, there's no bend at the moment, but don't worry, he is in this episode. And welcome to a very exciting, it's brand, this is brand new, isn't it? We're, it's the launch of a brand new format, because the thing about us is we don't have enough formats. Not enough formats, not enough formats with extremely weird, unyielding names that are really hard to get right. Give it a go at all, I believe in you, come on. Beef brothers, so it is.

Papis, flat share, beef brothers, cold cuts, sausage links. You got it, you nailed it man. Congratulations, that's exactly what it is. So basically we didn't do a flat shareshear slam down over Zoom this month. We decided to do this, something a little bit fun and different. It is basically like beef brothers cold cuts, except with a series of guests in a linking fashion. Who all solve each other's beef? It's like a rolling tag team chat show. The format evolves as you listen to the episode because we get it

wrong several times and in the end I think we work out what the format should be. So welcome to the process. You're a part of it, listen to the deer. Welcome, Gini pigs. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, you'll notice that very, very early on. Well, I'll let you hear it. Let's just, you can hear the episode. You'll understand what it is. We'll tell you about the fuckups if you haven't clocked them already after this.

Enjoy. Papi's flat share. Beef Brothers cold cuts. Sausage link. Here we go. Well, if you've got a problem, I'm calling a problem. If you've got a problem, call it a beef.

If you've got a beef, maybe we can help you beef from the sorting I can be. Socije Lake. Whoa, baby, baby, everybody. Hey, Tom, I can hear you, man, but I can't see you. Yes. Boom, boom, boom, boom. Nice to see you. Nice to see you. Can I just ask you a question. Bam, bam, bam, bam. Bam, bam, bam.

Nice to see you. Nice to see you, buddy. Can I just ask you a question? Yeah, it's good. Are you wearing a white scotentatia? Come on, buddy. I wear a white scotentatia for it. Why?

Why? Why? Why? I know you've moved to Exeter, but you know, you don't have to adopt the National Guard, quite sort of the local guard, quite so so soon. It's a Sunday night. It is a Sunday night, yes.

You get your glad drags on. Is this your Sunday best? It's a first ever live event, I thought, you know, waistcoat. You've got to go for it, I suppose. Oh, it's on talking about it. I really feel like I'm hugely underdressed now. You've got the waistcoat on, on, on, on, on parry.

You've got the gorgeous kimono. And the, and the, and the sunnies. You look great. Thanks, man. I feel great. Did you not get the memo, Crosby? Sundown, I put your glad drags on. These are my glad, unfortunately.

Here's the thing. This is what I consider glad dragags. This is my new is junk mates My new is jumper anyway, um, welcome everybody watching watching at home So quickly you can ask what you like of course what's the makeup on the jumper any cash mirror in there any Marino wool? No, I don't think so, I think it's, I can tell you. If you wanna find out. I mean, would it make for a flying start to the evening?

No, I don't think so, but do you know? Okay, well in that case, no, no, no. He's got one arm out now, I can't stop him halfway through. I'm almost there, hang on a sec. I mean, it says top shop. Is that good for you? Okay, okay, okay. There we go, I think that's good, I was going for says top shop. Okay, okay, okay, okay. There we go. I think actually I was going for the wrong place.

I think it'll probably be in the side here, weren't it? No, I can't find it. I'm sorry. Don't go back. Never go back to a lit firework, my friend. I'm still here. I'm sitting on top of it. Totally not with that blending you do. No, no, absolutely.

Like an old fire an old firewall. Like a, like a, yeah. So anyway, welcome to everybody watching at home. This is the first ever Papis Flat Share beef brothers cold cuts sausage link. Finally, we found our best title. Yeah, it's good. It's like a lot of shit titles to get to it, but we finally cracked this title, Malaki.

Basically, it's just adding on, it's like, you know, we approach titles like most people approach Macano, just adding bolting on new bits to it until you're happy with what you've got. Well, like the first and the furious franchise? Yes, exactly. They really came into their own when they thought, let's stick the words, Tokyo Drift onto one of our titles. That's what we're doing here. This is it. Yeah, this is where the franchise is gonna finally, it's gonna finally take off.

And the numbers watching at home reflect that. So welcome. Welcome everybody. Thank you so much for spending your Sunday night with us. Here's how it's gonna work. If you've listened to the Beef Brothers podcast before, you'll know that we solve, or this is more for someone better than for anyone else. You're not a fan. Not your thing, is it?

Not into podcasts mate. Got a life. No, fair enough. Not a sad one. Not a life. Look at you and your tension in your ways, go. Is this man, does this like a man who listens to podcasts? Or does it look like a man who listens to podcasts? Yeah, more so than usual, you this like a man who listens to podcasts? Oh does it look like a man who listens to podcasts? More so than usual, you look like a man who listens to podcasts. So anyway, we saw... Plays a banjo. It's one of the two. Yeah, you've got something about... Is that what you're going for? Or was it two tight?

Yeah, it was two tight. When was the last time you wore it? Two years ago, standing up. I was standing up. What was the last time you wore it sitting down? Three years ago. I never wore it sitting down before. I haven't really, I wore it for a, like a Peaky Blinders fancy dress costume. Right, so I got it because I thought it'd be,

you know, it's good for a Peaky Blinders outfit, but for normal wear, it's not really my alley, put it that way. No, no. Until, it's crushing your ribs, until sausage links, but it is very restrictive, I will say. Yeah, well, I'll tell you what, we don't want you blacking out during the show,

so just keep it loose, keep it, keep it, keep it clarky style, keep it nice and loose. That's it, man. So, here we go. I was just trying to explain the format. It's very, very simple. Oh, yeah, I would like toy style, keep it nice and loose. That's it, man. So here we go. I was just trying to explain the format. It's very, very simple. Oh, yeah. I would like to hear this, actually, yeah.

Again, this is for you guys. It's just for you guys. The way it's going to work is we are going to bring on a variety of guests to solve. What about that? All right, well, it's too late for this now. I've promised a lot in place. They're going to solve not only the beefs

that the listeners have sent in, and thank you to everybody who sent beefs in. Hopefully, yours will be on the show tonight. But also beefs from each other in a linking chain. So should we just get cracking? Should we bring our first guest out? Well, Parry would you like to do the introductions please? Yes, I mean, the first of our guests. Oh, there we go. Thank God.

I was going to be taking a punt. I had a one in six chance of getting it right, but now I can say wholeheartedly and with complete confidence. Our first guest is Mr. Ed Gamble, everybody. Ed Gamble is here. Yes. Yes. Now we're going so glad, rags. Glad rags. I ran downstairs and grabbed my glad rags as quickly as I could. I'm going to see what everyone had glad rags on. And that's what I've gone for.

If you've got a belt, over your... It's all part of the style, actually. I see. It's if I want to wrap up, or it's, I think it's a sex jacket. It's a fairie. It's a fairie. You are a fairie aren't you? Yeah, I'm a furry. I bought this at the beginning of the first lockdown I spent far too much money on it. I've not been able to wear it because of the lockdowns And then also when this is all over I'm not gonna wear it because it's too flamboyant for me Yeah, there's a different confidence in lockdown purchases isn't there? When you go to the first kind of events out of lockdown, everyone's sheepishly wearing...

I bought like bright yellow trainers and it was only during the first kind of eating that I was like, I don't feel this isn't, this is too much for me, I feel uncomfortable here. I mean if you can't pull off bright yellow trainers who can. I mean exactly, but it's too much downstairs, like up top, it's okay. Can I ask you to pull off that waste coat, please? What's going on with the jacket below the screen? Yeah, does it? Well, I'll show you, but I am also wearing pajama trousers, so I don't really want to kill the glad rags vibe As long as I'm about, you're okay.

You can see, it's very soft. We've got more of the sex straps on here. Yeah, it's a kind of a fleecy finish. It's very, very soft. It's like for... Right, it is quite sexy. Yeah, it's pretty sexy, Jacket. So, can you just do the...

Can you do the... Well, I'll you get off you. Yeah, I think it would suit Clarky actually because this is Clarky's. I'll send you a message, Clarky. One of Clarky's resolutions out of lockdown is to dress more, not flamboyantly necessarily. What was the phrase you used me to talk about the way you wanted to dress? Like a baby. More like a baby, that's right, yeah, yeah.

So actually, if that's a onesie, then he's all about it. No, it's not a onesie, and this is not... If you want to dress more like a baby, this isn't the thing. No, that's it. There's not a lot of straps and buckles on baby clothing, as I understand it. Crucially, yeah. What clock was game two was you wanted to wear a napkin? That was the one that showed it.

No, Tom, it's not the no one to So obviously you're the first guest on thanks very much for being the inaugural guest Well, thank you very much for putting me on first. I've got roast chicken in the oven of course So can't be excited by the idea of roast chicken very excited by that Take off the jacket sweet the roast chicken. Very excited by that. Take off the jacket, sweet the roast chicken, though Ed, because that will not be the only way for you. Oh God, you're all in the sweat.

I'll do what I normally do on ate roast chicken, I'm taking all my clothes off. Greasing yourself up. Why is everything you do a sex thing? Just lock down, innit? I'm just becoming a sex man. Please welcome sex man, Ed Gamble. My new show, my new tour show is me walking on stage with two chicken legs in the air,

completely butt naked. But where's the breast? It's up my ass, that was a joke. You've got chicken breast up your ass. Yeah, that's the axe. Don't give the ending of the show. Oh, sorry. It would be much more fitting if you had a neg.

Oh, yeah. Well, you know, it's still a work in progress. It's not going to be brief, is it? This is why Clark gets the direct in gear. This is why he's here. Clark is getting more invoiced for that. 500 quits, you'd have a neg up your ass, mate. That's the fifth star. That's the fifth star, right there, that's the fifth star.

If the encore is me, lay an egg. I mean, I'm the fifth star. I'll tell you what, this would be the encore. You lay an egg and then for all the ex-a-fan fans, cross me hatches out of it. Yeah. There you go. I reckon our size is so different

that I could lay cross me out of my ass. Wait, so what? Wait, am I, but I'm not doing the first half up your ass. I'll come in. No, you, no, you, no, you're in the interview. I'm not doing an interval. You're not doing an interval? I've got the support act, so you've got to be up my ass for an hour and 20 minutes. You're not doing it now, exactly. I actually, I got the job in the first place.

Anyway, and actually there's no room in the car, so you can have to do it at the start. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because the support at the tour manager and me, unfortunately, you will have to stay away. Well, let your services for some. Well, we won't let you out. I'll pop one up there. Of course, come in your way.

You just slide against us, that will be fine. I'll nibble away. Actually, probably not against us. That would be fine. I'm nibbling like, actually, probably not against it. I don't want to put on too much, that's the thing if I put on too much weight during the tour, it's going to be hard on both of us really, isn't it? Well, it'll just look like I have, really. You just, you won't come out.

I'll pause back. Yeah. Right, so let's, we've got to get, I'm trying to, I'm trying to remember this format here. We about. So, the old new form. The idea is, obviously as you're the first guest, you're going to have to solve one of our beefs and I think I believe Tom has a beef he'd like you to solve before we crack on with the listeners beef. Simple beef, my wife and I have different opinions on what constitutes a white wash. She caught me the other day slinging in some pale yellows Some pinks and also some kind of pale blue towels

Right, she was like what the hell are you doing? This is a white wash and I was like yeah, but white is like It's kind of a you know Go for white is like a genre. Yeah, that's what I was going to go for. White is like a genre, isn't it? Yeah. Then he isn't coming. Who's? Would I like to? So there are only like so many...

You're not talking white to when you talk about a whitewash. That's my argument, but I... And then I realise I don't really know if that's right or not. You know that's not right. Sure. Surely. really know if that's right or not. You know that's not right. Sure. Surely. It's got a white wash for a reason and you're saying you don't know whether white is white anymore.

So you're putting in pink, the reason there's a separate white wash is because white stains easily. So you can't throw in other colors, you can't pop pinks and pale yellows in there. But those pinks are fast, man. Like you know, I'm talking about like, shouldn't it be, I think there should be like a fast wash and a loose wash rather than a loose wash? You know what I mean? What's with you in the evening?

It's not a bad idea what you mean. What's going on? All the sunglasses come up. And I, that's what I'm doing. You know, you're making an interesting point. Finally the podcast started. And so like, you know, if you've got like a, I've got an old pale blue t-shirt that has been through 10 years of washes, that's

not doing anything to the white washes. I just don't think you can take those sorts of risks. I think if you've got, do you not have enough white clothes to justify a full load? Is this what you're saying? I've got one white t-shirt. Right, I'm not talking about you. I mean, there's a household. Oh, right, there's a household.

No, there's a lot of white clothes going on. Yeah, so you don't need to be adding pale blues and yellows to the situation, Tom. But what about splashes of colour as well? Like the babies got lots of, like his, his to be. It puts her in the island mood. It's nice. So there's stripes, there's spots. Where'd you draw the line? Well, they go in the colors wash, right?

Surely. Shall I tell you what we do here? Here we go, I'd love that. We do a white wash. Yeah. We do a very colorful wash and we do here? Here we go, I'd love that. We do a white wash. Yeah. We do a very colorful wash and we do a pale color wash as well. In white dress, there we go.

That's what I was wondering. To reload. A pale color wash. A third kind. Yeah. Yeah. We do. This green load was going to be our sketch group.

But people came to the title. Yeah. Three white loads are really bad names. But people get loathing the title. Yeah, yeah. Three white loads are really bad, Nate. It's interesting. We're attracting the wrong kind of crowd. White load. We're pleased to welcome the pale white load. I was forced to lay an egg at the end of every gig.

But I would think as a metal fan, are you not also doing a dark wash? Oh, OK, so yeah, no, you're probably right. So we're doing, here's what we're exactly what we're doing. Can you tell I'm not really across this? We do a dark wash. We do like a colors wash, a colors wash of like all the bright colors and some of the pale colors in there as well.

And then we do a white wash because I've got a lot of white t-shirts and stuff. I mean, that's too many washes. Yeah, here we go. Probably to washing basket. We've got, here we go. We've got two little washing baskets, one for darks, one for colours and whites, but then we sort those separately. We're washing all that all the time. Yeah, this is too much. Look at this. It's taking over your life. There's always stuff drying. There's always stuff in the wash. It's constant.

There's always stuff to put away. Just taking a baby. Just taking a baby. Harry, as a baby dad, as a baby. As a baby. Yeah, as a baby. As a baby, you have a baby. You are going to be constantly washing. That's just it. That's just the style. It's never not so.

So, that's what I mean is, if you're going to be constantly washing, isn't it time to get a bit less affair? Take it, go. It's off you go. Just make it all grey, basically. Yeah. Let's just have it all grey. I think probably technically, you could get away with it. I'm just gonna make it all grey, basically, yeah. Let's just have it all grey. I think probably technically you could get away with it.

So in a way you're right, but also in another more real way your wife is right. I just like, I mean, like, I don't wanna spend all night on this, but all I'm gonna say is that whole red sock in the wash we're all wearing pink shit is like it was made for an advert or a story it's a myth. I don't think it happens in Paddington too. Exactly here. We have friends.

Exactly. You're going to go to your New York life. I've seen Lee had a white go go off color because something colored has slipped into the white. White's go off was the name of my rap album. something coloured as slipped into the white load. White's go off was the name of my rap album. LAUGHTER I'm very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, problem with Ed trying to solve one of your beef sparrows you won't accept it. I mean, I want what you the only way you would have been happy is if Ed had gone well Tom you're right Jane.

I'm going to know look I think the compromises for I'm going to three loads I'm happy with three loads I'm not going any more I think four loads is insane but I think four loads is insane, but I think I've been worried about the pale colours getting more colourful though. Does that happen? Surely. No, no, no, no, I'm going to have a white wash, a colour wash, and then in the middle I'm having this paley... This kind of... It's half way house. Great, the grey area, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sure, sure, sure, yeah. Where all the clothes come out grey. It's half way house. Great, the gray area. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where all the clothes come out gray. From the starting at your beef! Okay, Emma's pushed us forward. Yeah, she knows you're running out of time. That is a very good format point that Emma could just at any point. Even if someone just read out the beef.

That's not a beef solve. Okay, let's do the first listener beef. Ed, have you got it right there? Yes, I've got it right here. Ready to read. Ready to read. Ready to read. Here we go.

This is a vegetable beef from Rob. Hi, puppies and puppies, beef buddies. My partner Heather and I met almost exactly a year ago in the Zoom audience of an online comedy chat show. I think it's the first time I've ever heard about that happening. Yeah. Wow. I had, I remember this guy, I had paid 100 pounds to join and ask Ed Gamble a question.

Wow, a pretty mind blowing. At the time I thought he was wasting his money, but it turns out he's met a woman because of it. Yeah, nothing. He's paid 100 pounds to meet a woman. We've got the new facilitator that. That's why I got this jacket. Yeah. a woman. The question I asked was do you know my brother's girlfriend? And the answer that the given by gamble was yes. Can't remember who it was. We now live together in Leicester,

me and Heather, not me and Ed Gamble, presumably not you and your brother's girlfriend. My beef is as follows. When chopping vegetables or salad, I often like to hold the item in one hand and chop it with the other straight into the bowl or pan. What? So presumably like... In the air. Yeah, in the holding it in the air. So... Oh no, this, she often says that I should use a chopping board because she's worried that I'll cut myself. That suggests she uses her every time and she's sort of given up.

I don't think that chopping boards are particularly hygienic and the knife I use is not excessively sharp, so I prefer to stick to my system. I will use a chopping board for larger items such as potatoes, which are the wrong shape for the holding in the air system. Early on we'll be in together and I was using a new knife, I ended up with a few small cuts. Now that I've attuned myself to the knife, I believe I've perfected the system. The things that I'm chopping are normally just for me, because Heather is not as much of a vegetable fan as I am. Please could you help with this beef? Should I start using a chopping board or should Heather accept that I'm not going to chop off my fingers? Cheers everyone by Rob.

Now he is he suggesting that he's sort of like, is he just suggesting that he's holding a carrot like that and just kind of going, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, going, or I think this is, because that's the other thing. Is this going on? Yeah, you could hold it and sort of just chop through, but you're still chopping through to your flesh on the other side, aren't you? And I know you're saying it's not particularly sharp. Firstly, get sharp knives. That makes it more dangerous.

I would have been more on board with the system if you had a sharp knife. Yeah, I'm a big believer in sharp knives, but not in this circumstance. No, no, I think I think. The man's a loon. Yeah, I'm a big believer in sharp knives, but not in this circumstance. No, no, I think I think. A man's a loon. I think waving around a blunt instrument is just, is a problem.

You're not blindfolded. You're not doing like a fucking, you're not Jedi mind gaming himself. We know how this. But it sounds like that, doesn't it? He's not going like pal Mal. He's not win-milling, is he? He's got like, he's just like, he's here like this.

But you know, you know he's doing it with some flair. You know, as Heather likes, Nags him about it, he's going like, no, I'll be fine, look, ta ta ta ta ta, he's trying to do it in a cool way. It's so dangerous. I think initially what he probably started with was the throwing up into the air and just going, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, going, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well.

Yeah, hoping it would all get through to the... Can I shut you? That kind of thing only happens in films and cartoons. Like the rest of... The one with the... The one with the Italian, is the only time that I've ever had. I had an injury recently, a cooking injury. Go on.

So I'm very sensitive to this. I did, I was matty-nosed this because, of course, any vague anecdote I have, I was matty nose this because of course any vague anecdote I have, I immediately tell it on a radio show because I have very little going on in my life. So I use a mandolin, do you know a mandolin? Right, so I was doing potato, so potato dofen was, slipped, right, I had the guard on but it slipped, that flew up my hand, and then my thumb went under, and you can't quite work it out. It's still like, you can see that it's a little bit raised there.

I had to go to A and A, had eight stitches in my thumb, because of that. Oh my God! And that was using a mandolin, which is a recognized piece of cooking equipment, and a recognized style. I certainly wasn't riffing with the mandolin, and doing it in the air, so I think he needs to be careful.

I'm done with mandolins now. Yeah, I threw him under the mandolin and doing it in the air, so I think he needs to be careful. I'm done with mandolins now. Yeah, I threw him under the bin straight after his covered in blood. I did the... my knuckle there. Oh, and it was just like... it was just... The... just... just took the top off it. Is this like you do the worst, but you're the worst people to be given advice here. No, he said just don't't make him a sweet mate.

You do this mate, this guy, because you two are incompetent in the kitchen. It's not this guy. This guy, you've got like a massive slice you went away and he for stitches. This guy, two small nicks with his new knife and now he's back in the game. Saving on washing up, bishbashbosh, saving the planet, cooking his carrots. I'm all for him. I don't eat. It's hard to argue with in this circumstances carrots, I'm all for him. I don't. I don't. It's hard to argue within this circumstances, but I'm genuinely scared for his...

This thing is... This thing is under in Twins here. How is your saving planet? Good Mandarin. Top in the tank. Top in the tank. I think I was chopping potatoes with a Mandarin. You heard your thumb on an orange.

That's one really. How? I can't get my head right bit. Tom, Tom, how is he saving the planet? Because every time he's a chopping board, where's that going in the dishwasher, in the sink, not in the dishwasher, you're going to be. You're insane.

Depends what sort of chopping board it is. It was a plastic one. Thank you, Ed. I'm guessing which case is more. Which is more hygienic than the wooden ones. Yes, so I wouldn't use a wooden one, really. But they say he's a wooden one for the knives. Yeah. And also, I heard that wooden ones. Yes, so I wouldn't use a wooden one really. But they say he's a wooden one for the knives. Yeah. And also I heard that wooden ones have like a natural anesthetic in the black nut anesthetic. I wouldn't have had to go to a.n.a. if they're

an anesthetic. What it does is you chop the carrot on the chopping board. The carrot goes to sleep and then you can do what you want to. That sounded worse than I thought. Yeah, yeah. But anyway, anyway, anyway, yeah, you're saving on hot water, all that kind of stuff. What if I was to use the plate you're going to eat off? How's that? No, it's horrible sound, isn't it chopping onto a plate? Yeah, I wouldn't do that.

Fair enough. The thing is, I can imagine you doing this, Perry. Yeah, I think I would have done that. I can imagine you doing this, Parry. Yeah, I think I would imagine you doing it. Chopping yourself off, spraying it all over your white t-shirt and tossing it in with the colours one. Well, that's if it is covered in blood, is it a coloured t-shirt or a white one? Good question.

That's for another beef. That's yet. So, not on trial. This feels like a 50-50 vote, right? Does it feel like we're either saying plow on good man or chopping boards? Use your brain. By doing responsibly, you can say plow on good man

because then the next beef is gonna be, Heather has to do everything for him because I've chopped all my fingers off. Can we also just look back at the maths of a 50-50 vote? Three of us said it's a bad idea. It's a good idea. Therefore a 50-50 vote. Three of us said it's a bad idea. It's wrong to answer your good idea. Therefore, 50-50. I'm just saying it's like to solve this beef. Oh, we need to. We need to. Yeah, okay.

Play one good man or use chopping boards for God's sake. I don't think there's like a thing. It doesn't feel like there's a third option. Oh, no, I was going to say scissors, but that's... No, far worse. I think plastic chopping board, though, is the other option, because's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that There's gonna come a time when he picks up a slightly too sharp knife or he gets new knives and he lobs his thumb off and it goes in the casserole And I don't work that on. Accidents happen, can I shock you Matthew? Accidents happen on chopping boards. Daily.

That's true. That's true but they- But they're on the bastion of safety. No but- Just a bit of a miss back on the ground. There are more unsafe things to be doing. Particularly with knives. I think if you find out where do more accidents happen on the fingers with a knife on a chopping

board or in the air, I bet statistically, you know, it's like when people more people die fishing than skiing, you know, like, for example, you're going to go, but, but it's because there'll be so few people chopping in the air. Chopping in the air is not something that people do. I think Paris is kind of right there. You've got to look at the numbers. But we want to call it a portion of this, we want to proportion rather than a final number, don't we?

I've actually never heard of anyone injuring themselves by chopping something in the air. Yeah, I mean either. Absolutely, yeah. The chopping board is just that slow to tie. No, no, I, yeah, constantly. Right, well, we've got to finish this with Patti. And I suppose it's quite impressive to do, really, isn't it?

It's quite impressive to do. It's like, you know, like a tepon yakki restaurant, the chef will like, you know, do flip things in the air and do loads of impressive chopping. It's almost like that, but in your own home, which I like. It's like when a fucker takes a top off a champagne bottle with a sword, cause it's not the safest way, but by God, if you can do it, you're doing it, aren't you? Bit of flair in your life, man. So you're saying, actually bring a sword into the kitchen.

Yeah, go a little bit further. I'm saying this guy is a few months off being able to kitchen knife the top off his Prosecco. Even better, dress the carrots as like Marion's one at. Yes! Have a beheading. Have a bit of like a vegetable revolution yeah you know what that's the name of the restaurant yeah no I accept that

vegetable revolution is our is our sold beef in which case it's time for our first handover. Now this is gonna be exciting because it's Lou Sanders for starters and up until about half an hour ago she said she was gonna try and do this from outside the curry house. Because she'd forgotten she was booked to do it. But now I think she should be at home. Lou, are you there? Hello! Hello! Lou! Hello, Lou! See my boys! Gracey Lou, Gracey Lou, how you doing?

Yeah, I'm good. Well, I just hurt my tailbone again, but I'm okay. Why has Ben at Sunglasses on for my arrival, or were they on the whole time? They were on a bit earlier, and then I slid them back on having a... It's so high. It's because you shine so brightly.

You shine so bright. That's clear. Have you got a black eye though? No! Would you like one? So, Luley, you have got a beef that you'd like ed to solve. Now, I'll just say, Lusek, I'm going to send me a message to say, I'll obviously forget the beef I thought I've just've just thought of, so I'm leaving them here,

so I can look them up, you watch up them to me. And I'll say, I think this might be the fifth time or sixth time you've been on Papi's flat show and done a beef brothers. None of these are beefs, Lou. None of these, you don't know, you're just for the good. You don't see, that's very true. But these, so do you want to read these out,

the ones that you chose here? Yeah I thought beefs were problems. They are but normally with other people these are all with yourself. I got beef. Oh I got beef with myself. Well here we go we've got here. I don't have a catch phrase that's one of them. I want to stop you. I Want to stop using Amazon but too lazy? Or I really want to be best, now I read this as I really want to be best friends with Slash and Dona Monkey. But actually you've just written the word slash to mean I want to be best friends with Slash, owner monkey.

So it's not, you don't want to be best friends with the guitarist out of Guns and Roses. No, I would have been perfect for that, as a wrong slow learner. I wouldn't rule it out, like I wouldn't, you know, if Slash is listening and wants to strike a friendship, I'm not shutting the door on that. Sure. But I don't know if I prefer a monkey. But I think if you were friends with Slash, he could probably access a monkey easier than you could. I think Slash is your gateway to a monkey.

Yeah, okay. Well, Slash, if you're listening to tweet or text, can he text? I don't know, I'm kidding. I'm seeing so. He's on Instagram, so you know, it's pretty similar. Yeah, I'll just DM me and keep going with the lovely music. What's your favourite guns and roses song lately? One like that, isn't it? Yeah, it's everybody's favourite. Yeah. So, do you wish...

I want a funky... I tell the stuff and then... Which people do you like to solve out of those? Well, can you remind, oh, I did do, Artie told me the format of the show again, remind me from that show. I came up with a beef, did you? Oh cool, let's do it.

Well, all he could do, the one that bowed. Have you messaged it to me and I'm supposed to look it up? Is that what you're saying? Yeah, because I've been at the skate park. Oh yes, my boring flatmates. I just go for a no, I just go for a boring one. My flatmate can't cook, that's it. Oh no, let's get me a monkey.

Okay. Let's get me a monkey, don't you think, Ed? So your beef really is with sort of the law, the sort of animal owning law. So you need a pet monkey. I mean, I think the only real way of getting a pet monkey is to break the law so you can have to steal a monkey or illegally import a monkey from the dark web. Oh, I haven't thought of that actually. That's lovely. You can get everything. But you can

bump someone off for about 10 minutes. You can bump someone you can bump some of my friend and grand on why you went on the dark web, please? You are cosy! Okay. You then know found a lovely chap with his own website and you just ordered off the website, it was very modern. I don't do drugs now because I made an agreement with Archangel Michael. But I'm wondering if he might have a do my- Is that your deal, is's name you're buying too much no I haven't done that for years but you just have people killed now don't you

that's your new drug I was with some comedians the other day and someone said you can get someone bumped off for like they said it was like something like seven grand but they don't do anyone with any profile and I turned around and went oh you guys need to work harder and get some for me. What a horrible little weasel but in your defense you have mashed out of your mind on drugs. Yeah, actually I do do dummy bear sweet just one and I don't like it stays in your system the next day, doesn't it? That you're very groggy. Well, I mean, yeah, you're putting it into your system in the first place, so.

Let's imagine for lovely pod-carth listeners, don't do drugs, not worth a trouble, you won't get as much done the next day. Has that solved your beef, Lou? Oh, no, so I thought to much. No, I think the only way you're going to really be able to be friends with a monkey or own a monkey. I mean, you can be friends with a monkey, you can probably go to a sanctuary, they probably offer a day being a keeper at a sanctuary. You can meet a monkey, be friends with it, but you do have to leave the monkey there at the end of the day.

It's not a friend that lives with you. Or other idea, when we hang out, why not just dress as a monkey? I'm also completely willing to do that. I'm a good monkey actually. Oh yes, that is really good monkey. Pretty good right? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah me. Really, I enjoy your chicken. Thanks, I couldn't hear because I had to take the headphones off to do the monkey, I couldn't hear the reaction to the monkey. Oh, we love faces.

You're not screaming like monkey. That was good to hear you like. It was a great monkey, yeah. Great and then it actually was so good that a sting came on. It was, yeah. Yeah, that's the sting that means Ed stopped doing the monkey impression. You've overrun time to go. See you soon, Ed. Take care, man. yeah, that's the thing that means Ed stopped doing the monkey impression you've overrun time to go See you soon Ed take care man. Bye everyone Right, Luli thanks for coming on the show. Um, have you got your beef there? Oh, yes, I've I've got a beef you emailed me. That's right. Yes. Yes, yes

You do do you want like do you want to read it read it out or see if we can solve it together? Well, yeah, but it's very long. Okay. Do you want someone else to read it out? Because Tom also has it, but. Hang on, is this do you believe in ghosts? That's the one, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, okay, yeah.

Well, okay. Who's it from, first of all? You're very gentle and kind with me, actually. It's a man called, well, I presume a man, called Alan. Alan, I can't. You don't hear that name as much with the younger crowd of course. No, my dad's called Alan. You don't have any avalot of, yeah,

he's not one of the younger crowd I'm afraid of. What? I hate to brag to you, but your dad's not Gen Zed. I'm afraid. If Alan was a colour he'd be brown. Let's be honest. So dear Tom Matthew Ben and guest, do you believe in ghosts? Well I've got a housemate who does. Should we read one paragraph each Tom?

Yes. Have you run out of energy already, Lé? Well you know it's nice to talk out loud, but it's nice to someone else too. Nice for someone to listen, listen out loud. Oh, thank you. A lot. Also, I'm not very good at reading out loud. Here we go, here we go, watch this, watch this. I went to Amdram. Okay, do you believe in ghosts? Well, I have a housemate who does. A lot of the, a lot to point. It's Alan's Alan's full some of the a lot to the point Yeah, you go Tom is Alan's fault is the way he's written this I can't imagine me speaking in this

A lot to the point it's impacting on our environments and wallets and I may be to blame Marcus has always been a bit Matthew when it comes to his belief systems be to blame. Marcus has always been a bit Matthew when it comes to his belief systems. Fine by me, there's plenty of space at Lice Festival for all manner of wobble think. Usually just beyond the dance tent and over by the sculpture of a mermaid made out of crystals and recycled nappies. I take it back, it's a lovely email and it is beautifully composed. But a recent his belief that the house is haunted has started to impact on a soul. It's a big old beast i'n gweithio. Mae'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r

gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r

gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r in from a night out found him hiding in the cupboard in the lounge holding a long wooden ruler, he's an architect student, a massive squeak or creak had sent him fleeing and I don't know if he was going to hit the ghost or perhaps measure it for science. Over the weeks he started to fill in details about who he thought was haunting the house, a young boy called something biblical like Isaac. It was industrial housings obviously it turned out he was a Victorian boy who died in a loom accident or some such guff. Now here's the thing I'm one of those amateur magician types by which I mean I didn't have many friends aged five to 13. I can also do a rebate's cube another key indicator. I decided to prove him ghosts were

piffled by staging something inexplicable, we all witnessed, and then explaining it was just a trick. Wow. Wow. That's a bold decision. Yeah, that would be the first way I'd think of first saying they're not real by kind of proving that they are, and then going, but I made it up.

I'm a little bit more. I then spent 130 quid on a magic website for a trick. I'm really an idiot But it allowed me to do the following. I asked him where he felt the presence was in the house We went there. I got him to get out his phone start it recording and place it on my hand Hit record and wait. Nothing happened silence except when we listen back to what he'd recorded faintly whispering but clearly audible in a tiny little voice. Hello, can anyone hear me? It's Isaiah here. Can you hear me? He's shattered. I genuinely

thought he was going to be sick. I mean, immediately told him that I'd done it and it was a trick he refused to believe me. He spent the next two nights at his boyfriend's place. He's back but he's gone to some sort of sage burning crusade and I understand he's considering asking us to put in towards an exorcist. So this is so long but I'm my big bollock and how do I end up doing what I've already done thanks to Nevar's Alan. Lovely email from Alan. A gorgeous message from Alan there. So well question number one. Mad. Mad that is.

Is he a big boy? And the answer is sort of yes, isn't it? Well, we can't call anyone a big, not a fan of the show, a big boy look. Well, that's true, but he's asking, am I a big boy look, you know, as a friend, you're saying, as a friend, tell me now, am I a big boy look? Alan, what you did was the behavior of a big boy look.

I think you made me a big boy look exclusively, a'r mynd i'n bwyllwch. Aelun, wnaeth yw'r bwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch, a'r mynd i'n bwyllwch yn fwyllwch. Ysglu sydd wedi, yw'r mynd i'n bwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch. Aelun, mae'r gwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwyllwch yn fwy exist. Have you seen a ghost? Have you had some sort of, I mean I know you were talking about meeting Archangel Michael. But if ghosts don't exist, why are we talking about them right now? Because they're legend. Yeah, but so like seahorses, do you think it can't? Go on, if it exists. Yeah, but if I'm to you and you haven't seen one, you'd be like, fuck off. You know, like, dead. Yeah, that's not the same thing at all. There's a dream that there's stuff

that you can't see, it's another dimension. You know, it's like, we are so arrogant. We can't. Do you not think if Ghost Existed by now, we'd have categorical evidence of it. Yeah, well, like seahorses. Oh, well. Because, look, anyway, please.

Because if you see horses, you don't see ghosts. Wow, eh. I saw a ghost and I asked, anyway, we're going off to that. No, no, no, that's on track. I want to know when you saw a ghost. Tell me what happened. When I was about 14, I was in, so my friend's mom took us to this house, just picked something up, and I've never seen a ghost before, and I wasn't really like a ghost fan or anything,

and I saw this ghost, and I was like, that's weird, it must be my mind playing tricks on me, because I was, we tell ourselves, because no one it, you know, we're like, you know, and then they said, oh by the way, this house is haunted and they said what the ghost looks like and I was like, oh yeah, I've just seen that come. What's so weird? They described it to you and you were like, yep, seeing it? Yeah, seeing it just now. Why didn't you tell me? What was the ghost?

What did it look like? Well, look, because now if I say that, you're gonna be like, oh, it's always... Was it a seahorse? No. Be honest. Was it a headless seahorse, man? No, but if I tell you, you're gonna be like, well, why a ghost always like Victorian boys?

Why aren't they like a modern... Well, then don't tell us it's a Victorian boy? Well, it's, yeah, well, it's... Well, it was. I don't think that would be. But anyway, this... So, what you've got to do is be a bit more compassionate with your friend Also make friends with the ghost because you probably pissed the ghost off So you pissed two people off and I'd be a bit more worried about the ghost so chockies all round and Bit of an apology

Do ghosts eat chocolate? No, not for the ghost, for his friend. What would you recommend offering a ghost? Weeter ghouls. Oh mate, I had that in last year's Chris' cracker actually. Yes. Weeter ghouls. Oh, my goodness. Can I just do a serious bit of advice? I think you'd better.

Yeah. Look, pitch in, you did do a little bit of a cheeky thing. We all like a prank, but the man was traumatised. So why don't you pitch in for an exorcism because that will help the ghost out because they need to go to a different dimension. If they're stuck here that's not good for them. So pitch in for an exorcism, get someone good, don't get one of these nonsense. He's only spent 130 quid on a magic trick, you know, he's throwing good money off the bad. Try and to get some money back from the magic trick by doing small parties and you go on the dark web or something like that to get the

It's only gonna be about a hundred and fifty two hundred pounds and I'll give you a contact that can get Read if the ex get rid of the ghost. Oh when I came back from Edinburgh one time this guy that you're gonna see Craneous Lake Court, obviously and was a bit of a shaman on the side Mae'n gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweith like apparitions goes kind of things we used to be surrounded by kind of it's all just energy isn't it so if someone doesn't quite nothing like energy doesn't die nothing dies so it has to transmute into something else so if people die like that sometimes their energy can get a bit stuck and then I guess if you're a bit of a low place okay Edinburgh then things can attach to you and that's just science I mean plenty of people die in Edinburgh. Yes I'm 25 nights on the balance one year

I was crossed we just on your back I was desperate for entertainment. I was like, they don't got the energy they can fill the venue with I've got three entities in today. One of them is a Scotsman. You say that, but once Jeanine the Pyrénetie, who I have now left, because she may or may not have joined a cult, but she, when I did my first, like, an Edinburgh show a few years ago, I was like, what about like, you know, the first day it's never full and stuff, and she said, well, just imagine an angel on every seat. Yeah, that won't sort of help me recoup the debt. Yes, no, no.

That's the only thing. And if you're nervous, you have to imagine them to be naked. Naked angels. Yeah, naked angels, yeah. Yeah. Little chance. So what are we saying to our friend Alan? You're saying, you're saying lean into it basically, aren't you?

You're saying lean into it. Throw a bit more money, get the exorcist, meet him halfway. And I'm really mean this. All type of infinitesisism because then the ghost is happy because he gets, or she gets to, like, all they get to, uh, go to 2021, exactly. Don't misgender the ghost. And then the flatmates happy because you're hearing and seeing him and sort of saying, sorry about this, let's take this seriously. And then you're happy because you're hearing and seeing him and sort of saying, sorry about this, let's take this seriously. And then you're happy because you absolve your conscience. You already paid 130 quid for the magic trick.

Oh, well, well, well, we'll ask him to buy the shitty magic trick. Take the magic trick. I also, I want to know how that magic trick works because that's a good magic trick. Yeah, that is a good. Unless it was just him whispering, like under his hand.

Yeah, how did it work? Well, you can record it. I mean, we're never solved that now. We're not going to solve it now. We're not going to solve it now. Never under his hand. Yeah, how did it work? We can record it. We're never solved that now. We're not gonna talk about it now. Never tells his tricks. Absolutely, and he doesn't sound like a great magician, Aralan. But it says it could make house mate.

Maybe I'll even end it back and say, how does the trick work? I think it's beef solved. Thank you, Lily. I'm from the starting, I can beef solved. Well, very exciting. We could bring out our next guest. We've got our next guest, which is Fatahar El Goury, who is going to come on and with a beef for...

Oh, no, in fact, Lou, you're going to give her a beef for her to solve. So, Fatahar, are you there? So, Lou, no, Lou, is there a slew guy coming up with another beef? No, no, sorry, you're right. Fatah's going to give you a beef. Wait, have we done this wrong?

I think we have, we flipped it around, was Ed's supposed to have given a beef for Lou to solve. I kind of felt like that was the format. That was the format, wasn't it? We've fallen at the first level. I have just solved, I've just solved someone else's beef. I know, I know. You get that.

Hello, Fatter. Hey, Fatter, how are you doing? Are we can't hear you? Sorry, can you hear me? We can hear you now, yes. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I know I look like I've just come out of some 1980s video. I dropped my laptop before it started, so yes.

Is it your laptop fairing? Is it all right? Yeah, it's okay, but I look like a ghost. Maybe I'm the ghost, but I don't know. all right? Yeah, it's okay, but I look like a ghost. Maybe I'm the ghost of that. Ah! I don't know. You've come in character. It's ideal. So, you join us just as I've sort of slightly lost track of the format.

The idea is now that... LAUGHTER The idea is that you've got to solve one of lose beefs. Not lose got to solve one of your beefs. You're going to do your beef at the end. So, Lou, I hate to ask this now because you didn't even have one in the first place. Have you got another beef that you would like fat to hurt to solve? I've always got beefs. Well, actually, I just, will I give you a real one, No hang on no, I keep thinking

beefs are problems, I'm still stuck in the same. I kind of are. Yeah, problems you've got with your flatmates, your neighbours, your landlord, whatever it might be. Well no, I have hurt my tailbone, that's not a beef, isn't it? Not really, no, not technically. Fatter, any advice for someone who's just hurt their tailbone? Um, drugs. Well, I think that's what got Louie here in the first place, isn't it? No, I know, Lou, I've got, obviously you're not doing drugs anymore, but um... I've got, I've got a problem, I've got a slip disc in my back as well and drugs are the

best, like, yeah. Ooh, but one time, sorry go. Can I give you some advice on that? Yes. Oh, by the way, one of my things is just not giving people advice, I haven't. Sorry, go. Can I give you some advice on that? Go on. Yes. Oh, by the way, one of my things is to stop giving people advice they haven't asked for. I think you're allowed to on this show.

OK, that's one show where I can. Well, my friend had a slip disk and he did reform a Palates. And now it's better than, well, it's better than ever, but it's better than normal. Do you know the problem is right, Lou? I don't think you've ever met me, so I'm like, so you can only see like the top bit, but I'm like an obergine, you know, like seeing at the top and then just like, ooo, at the bottom, do you know what I'm saying? So like, I can't even lift my leg to do my laces, so can't do pilates for sure so yeah. Oh well they

didn't say no words. Drugs are the best, drugs are the best for me like. Okay fair enough yeah but I think you could still go to pilates, I don't think I think you could. But it's quite the right way. Have you seen most toys that just roll from side to side like that? Do you remember when you was a kid? The Weebles. The Weebles. Yeah, that's what I would be like in Palate's, I'd just be like... Ooh. Yeah.

That'd be quite pleasurable actually. Yeah. You dirty man, you. LAUGHTER OK. I said, I'll be Jean and look, you want to play the leisure. Well, I think that starts to a successful handover, isn't it? That is a hugely successful handover.

More successful than the last one. Lou, thank you so much for joining us. I'm sorry, I can't be. Hi. Hi. See you later. Bye, bye, bye. So Fatah here, thanks for coming on the show.

Thanks for having me. Let's get into your beef and let's talk about it. Is this the one you want me to read out? Yes please. So here we go, so hello beef brothers. So have a beef? I hate over Jean Pleasable Man, yes. I have a beef with my significant other. She often starts

talking about something with me while I am sitting comfortably in the living room or lying in bed and then keeps conversing while turning around and going to do something else in another room. Sorry, let me just sort out my English accent again, hold on. Essentially, she fades herself out of the conversation, brackets, street spirit style, end of bracket, while still talking, and lets I get up and follow her. She doesn't seem to do it to end the conversation, it can often be in the middle of asking me something. It is very weird. Dear beef brothers, what do I do? Cheers everyone. Bye from Victor with a K. Victor with a K. Right. So what are you, are you that kind of person? In this situation,

you look kind of person who start talking and just wander off, or are you the person who will be sat down again? I'm going to do it in about three seconds. I do, I am like this, and then I come back in and I go, why are you going to listen in? Why are you not answering me? And he's like, what? So, yeah, I do do this. I don't know, I guess follow her round would be what I would say. This is, don't get your ass walked.

This is what I'm thinking. Does it seem like, you know, Victor's partner just wants to do like a West Wing, a walk and talk. Just wants to start talking and assumes that, well, you know, this is still a pertinent conversation. Let's get moving. You know, some people think better on their feet as well. So my wife's like this, but I've only discovered this very recently

because we used to live in a little studio flat where you don't realize that that's a problem because there's nowhere to go. It's only when, since we've moved out of London, and have somewhere that's more than just one room. Like, it was ideal in the studio flat because this little bedroom was behind a curtain. So it's like there's the kitchen, there's the front room, it was only when she went into the bathroom, it was a noticeable thing. But now that we've got more than one room. So my advice to Victor is, down size my friend,

get into a caravan or a window, or or you know day and sight you're clearly in a two bigger place. It's a good point. Because then you can just, you're always there, pinging around. Yeah. Or you could just follow her around and I don't know. Or you could put a chip on her and like you know the ones that they do in spy films and they record what the person's saying. Yeah, chip your partner. I mean chip your partner

like they're like they're a pet. Yes, listen if you ever want to have sex again I suggest that's what you do. Well what if you don't listen that is one of the no sex tonight. What about wireless speakers in every room though you know like you get the wireless you get the about wireless speakers in every room though? You know, like you get the wifi wireless speakers in every room so you can connect to your Bluetooth and that way you can wander around the house and you've got music in every room. But you're wearing headset mics.

So you're both wearing headphones. They're neighbors are gonna hear us. That's the neighbors' idea. Okay, so what are you, what are you a dickhead? They're gonna hear it, you know what I mean? I don't think he's chasing after going, what was that about me being a dickhead? They're gonna hear it, you know what I mean? I don't think he's chasing after going, what was that about me being a dickhead?

I think these are more pertinents. I've got, I am. What about baby monitors? Oh, good. Cause baby monitors aren't that expensive, so you can effectively CCTV up your house with baby monitors, have them on, and then whatever room they go in, the only problem they're gonna be hearing it. The only problem with baby monitors, have them on, and then whatever room they're going.

The only problem with baby monitors is they pick up Victorian ghosts. That's true, that's very true. There's always a little Victorian ghost in the corner. I mean, I keep thinking that, and I like your horror films, Clarky. But it's like, surely, the big fear is like you go to look in on your baby and there's a little Victorian boy standing next to the car. Good luck going back to sleep then. Sometimes it's just sometimes you're seeing your baby like you're looking and they'll be asleep and then you're looking again and they'll be stood up

looking directly into the camera and their eyes are glowing green just because of the way that the the cameras look and make their eyes glow green. I've had that before where I've been, you know, put Cleo down to sleep and then she's woken up and looked into the camera and it really shits you up. It's scary stuff. It's like paranormal activity. It's like that but on a very small screen. I don't have kids but I've got like 13 siblings so we've got lots of like nieces and nephews and stuff like that and Sometimes like when you go in and check on them They won't be in that place like you'll check on them and then they'll be lying on their front and then you'll come back in and they're in Under the bed or something

Like Jurassic Park Clevver girl. Yeah, I'm just imagining you sort of walking to a bedroom and they're up on the ceiling just like that, just waiting for you to leap down. And so Fatter, as a walking talker, right, what do you expect of your partner that they just listen better from the other room or do you expect them to follow where you go? What would you be looking for in this as a walker talker? I would say, I'm going to be, because I don What would you be looking for in this, as I would talk about? I would say, I'm gonna be,

because I don't want to get hated, I would say, I expect them to listen better, but in reality, they better be following me around the bloody room, that's what they better be doing. Because what I've got to say is important, and I'm not gonna repeat myself, do you not say? What a list of. So what about, we get Victor, a pair of roller skates, right? And we get him a pair of roller skates and a short big sis house

No, no, but I sure I do well for himself a short leash, right? And so as soon as as soon as his partner starts talking he clips the leash onto her belt loop and grabs onto it And then as soon as she moves he's with her So he's only ever going to be a couple of feet away from her So it's like the opening sequence of back to the future. Exactly. Back to the future. Yeah go on the scale. Grab on to the back and then you're always in each other's presence. And after a while the chances are either you'll hear everything she says or she'll just stop doing it. Sorry go on. I was going to say I I've got an idea, you could just get air surgery, like, air, sorry,

I can't say the word air, but like, surgery in your ear and just make your outbeat bigger because your outbeat is the one that gets the vibrations of sound and then if you make that bigger, like like an old-fashioned ear trumpet, like, you used to have, you know, in the olden days, basically, if you've got, you know what you could get, you know, like what they put on a cat after they've been chipped, that little thing. If you get two of those, two of those neck cones on your ears, then you can sit wherever you like and you're gonna hear everything in the house.

Two yoga pots on a piece of string. There are loads of that, it's another one. Never having to lift that is another one. No, that is a good one, honestly. And you save the environment, you know, because you're recycling it and that's, I like that. And it reminds you of childhood and stuff. Can I say, can I say, I always thought

the yogurt pots on a piece of string was fucking bullshit. They never really worked. It was, it was always sounded absolute crap. The string has to be incredibly tight. That's what they'd always say. Oh, it's good really tight the string and then you go Yeah, then it pops out the bottom of the yoghurt pot It was fucking but I think that was like a teacher made that up one day to Dead it was born with his kids and they were like here you go

Then you got a telephone and then someone picked up the ball of ram with it and suddenly loads of fucking guns are doing it And it was it was rubbish. Rubbish. Now, where down is true, right? Because that was the only way we could talk to my mum because there was like 13 of us. So we all had a little thing. Because we couldn't hear,

because the other one would be shouting. So we all had a little one and that was the only way we could talk to my mum. My picture up here. I'm imagining your mum with 13 yogurt pots in front of her with children's names on them And like you put your hand up and like she deems you like one of those old switchboards It's fatter here calling tell her I'm not here. Can you take this one? It's from fatter

I can't I can't really walk into the room anyway Well, let's say beef solved I think Well, let's say beef solved. I think it's from the signing like a beef solved. I think, you know, take your pick of those, of those myriad different ways to solve that beef. Congratulations, baby. Congratulations, Victor. Let's bring in another guest.

We've got Darren Harrier up next. She's still like Nol's house party. It's very Nol's house party, exactly. It's like Ding Dong, it's Darren Harrier, everyone. I think so. Yeah. Yeah, Darren. How are you doing, man?

You brought your jacket collection as well. I have indeed. How's it going, guys? Pretty good, man. Pretty good. How are you? Yeah, good. How do I sound?

I sound all right. Sounds great. You sound pretty good. Yeah, I'm sure. I also want Mike's in. Let's do this, man. Beast. Right. Fattie, how do you have a beef? Okay, so my beef is that my neighbors keep on leaving their rubbish outside their door and I live on like, we've got

four on the landing. They keep on leaving it rather than taking it downstairs and then they take it when they're leaving. So that's my beef. How long is it left on the landing for? It can be like a day. Just every rubbish out. It's got kids, so there's like nappies and shit in there, like literal shit. Literally nappies and shit. Do you have to sort of maneuver around their rubbish all the time? No, it just smelly. Oh, okay.

Oh, that's an interesting one. Have you tried attacking them? Yeah. Okay. I have written on their doorstep. I wrote on their doorstep, stop it in shits, but they still want to do something.

I don't know what to do. I don't get what? Yeah, okay. So, I think, so let's say your binde is Tuesday I would assume that they should probably I don't mind them leaving out there sort of Monday night For it, but if they're leaving it out there Monday morning That's different. I feel like maybe they they need to really to go over timings with them and

You know just maybe some slight intimidation as well just and then if you do it what about if you do it what about if you left your rubbish outside there they wouldn't like that because they wouldn't like to smell right you're fighting fire with fire I don't know I'm fire with fire right if they've got pooing Appies though if they've got pooing Appies you're not gonna be able to overwrite it is there a case to just take it down with yours? Oh, that's me. What a mug.

That's exactly what they want. Fuck, I would never do that. I was going to beat them up, but I've already got an Aspo, and I'm on my final warning. No, I'm saying. So, yeah. I think what you should do, just, I mean, okay, you've got to kind of bite your nose despite your face a bit.

I would say rip their bag a little bit. So then when they pick it up outside their house, it will all sort of fall out outside their house. Now you're going to deal with that mess for a little bit, but I think they'll be quite embarrassed to have all of their nappies outside of their front door and everybody's going to know that's from them. Yeah. Little blade on the side of your shoe, just a little blade sticking out the side of your shoe. No, I have to go down here. So it will never be, they won't see you tampering with it. You just walk past and you just sort of slice it a little bit with the blade coming out the side of your

shoe. They'll never know. Do you know what else I could do? I could get a fox, if I get a fox and let it go ramp up, I'm a landing, right? That's what's up. And eat the kids and that's like people have to want to stand in it. I mean, if you, I mean, look, if you're willing to bring in a bit of animal animal warfare, I'm down for that as well. Yeah, bring in a couple of foxes. That'll be great. How did it get to the stage where we're fucking wrangling foxes, rather than just taking someone's bin down for them? This is... Thank you for the stuff.

Taking somebody's bin for them is absolutely... I would rather smear their baby shit in my face. I'm here with it. I'm here with it. I'm here with it. My name is bins for them. That is insane. I'm furious and I know it's a hypothetical.

I'm hearing it. Somebody might do that. But listen here. From the side of the camera. Thanks very much. Produce a caution there. Fatter, thank you so much for coming on the show. It's been a real pleasure having you. Thank you for having me. See you very soon, we hope. That was great.

See you. Take care, guys. See you guys next time. See you guys next time. See you guys next time. Right, Darren, great to have you here. Right, right. Let's get into your beef. I'm going to beef, right?

OK, so. I love how much you mean business, whenever it comes to beef. I don't think any of you ever have on, takes from the seriously as you do on the beef. I don't think any of you ever have on, take from the serious thing you do love the beef. He loves it. I love it. I love it. Here we go. Hi everyone. I live with my partner for a number of years and we've managed to overcome

most things. Ditch our most disagreeable habits and live harmoniously. It's very nice. However, my partner has a highly ridiculous and disgusting sneeze that never varies. It's always about any build-up or warning, sprays everywhere despite the mouth and nose, being covered and sounds like an elephant angrily grudge banging and equally living the whale. Wow, you better sleep in one eye open. They say they've tried to control or stifle it but can't. So we always has to be the same sneeze every single time. It's grimness has always made me wince. But a year of working from home together has meant I now get irrationally furious each time and feel like pulling their stupid snott and spit spraying face off

I might get a divorce. So could you please suggest something other than earplugs and or a therapist for me. Thanks Finch Wow, Finchy, okay. It's a strong beef. That's a big. Perfect for Harriet. This is This is a beef. Yeah, that is I mean, I I must say I mean like I love my wife dearly, but she doesn't believe in shielding her sneezes What oh So she will sneeze freely around the house and except and will constantly will be sneezing on to me She's like you've got to let it out. What about on your little bag?

Yeah, I mean, it's still coming out. You're still letting it out. Yeah, you're just being polite. So you're stopping it from spraying everywhere. Yeah, so she's a free sneezer. She doesn't believe in fence. She says like, if you hold it down, or then it's bad for you.

So she's, and it's problematic. Problematic. I mean, it's always been problematic, but in the year of COVID, I can't think of anything worse than a free sneezer. A free sneezer. Just rolling your nose, sneezing everywhere. To think about this, that sticks up to me is the fact that it's never there.

It's always the same sneeze, which is just... You can say it just makes it worse every single time and it sounds like thinch as had enough. It does sound like that. You can hear it, can't you? Yeah, we don't need to read between the lines. I've come up with a solution, but you've got to pretend like, I mean, it's effectively you're killing with kindness here, but you've got to pretend like, I mean, it's effectively you're killing with kindness here, but you've got to pretend like you've got them of really generous gift. Okay, you say like, you're not pretending, you actually have to buy a thing.

I've got you this brilliant gift, I think you're gonna love it. It's a pain mass. I was gonna say the antique diving helmet. You get the antique diving helmet, right? And you say, look, I thought you'd like this. It's an antique, but wouldn't it be great if you wore it around the house?

You know? In fact, get one for all of you, but for both of you. And you go, wouldn't it be fun if we just, you know, just as a laugh, just to keep things fun in the marriage, we both wear antique diving helmets when we're knocking about the house? I quite like that idea. I do think to spice things up a little bit, like every day you wear like a different sort

of Halloween mask. Yeah. Because then again, you've still got the protection and you're like, Oh, what are you today? Oh, I'm, I'm scream. Oh, that's an experience. And then next day she's like, which are Nixon? Just keep him in.

And in my point is get them to wear a mask at all times. I was thinking just a typical face mask, just a normal surge in mask. You covered masks, yeah. All the time indoors. I think that's what I'm talking about. Have you sneezed in the childhood days? I've just...

Weirdly, I did this over the day. I've realized that when I sneeze, I still pull the mask down. I do it. I pulled it, I know, I know, guys, I can I still pull the mask down. I do it. I know, I know, guys, I can see your cross hairs on me. I know. My hair is so... When I pull the mask down.

Yeah, I don't. When I pull the mask down, I still cover my face because I'm not rude. But I do realize that it's a problematic. But the idea of sneezing between fingers and a spray coming out is very, very problematic to me. But it does have a lot of spray already. Is it not going to come out of the tiny aperture in the Halloween mask? Are you not basically directing it into like, you're almost turning it into a little bullet of, you know, those little holes, a little sort of snott and vapor bullet? Is there any tiny?

It's not bullet, itott bullet, snott bullet? It flies out the little eye holes. It's a snott bullet. Why is the scream man crying? I mean, I had an eye. My suggestion was maybe you can't stop the sneeze, but maybe you could vary the sneeze because it's the consistency of the same sneeze. There seems to be bothering them.

So if you experiment with a bit of like, I don't know, K.M. Pepper in one room. And like, you know, I don't know, a lot of pollen in another room. Maybe you'll at least get a variety of sneezes. Oh. So you're actually at least changing up a little bit. You're actively encouraging more sneezing.

Possibly. I'm sorry, this feels like one. This is the, this is the, the, the, the, the, the, taken out the bins all over again. This is not a good plan. I was thinking, my partner about to sneeze, just chuckle in the throat. Oh, no, no, no, no, listen, listen.

We've got to draw the line at physical violence between people. How about you get, how about you get a fox in the flat? Oh. It was certainly distracting. I'm just losing it. What's the reason you're losing more because of the fact?

Yeah. My fat could be the problem. How can you stop people sneaking, like, that's got to be, well, that's the solution we're looking for is how do you stop this person sneezing? Yeah. Well, how about you? Yeah, how about if the problem is they keep sneezing at home?

Maybe they should have like, I was thinking, okay, say they need to sneeze, they have to do it out of window. They have to run out, lift the window up and just sneeze out there. All to the pass of boys. Yeah, if they're street level, but if they're a couple of floors up, that's pretty safe. They're not rolled up so far. So, you get a sneeze bag Like a swear jar

Like a swear jar You have a carrying a bag And you just sneeze in there Like you are I'm sorry, we're good Have you seen sneeze bag by the way? The two series Absolutely

I've really seen it I've really, really, really Just like, honestly Broke the mold Broke the mold. That's sexy, Vic. Oh, so I like Sneez Bag. I like Sneez Bag is the best solution we've ever had.

You've got to label it very clearly, Sneez Bag on the side. You know what, you don't want to the shop, but... It's to be right, yeah, racing out the house and going off, forgotten my bag, grabbing the Sneez Bag, opening it, opening up in Tesco, starting a super spreader event. That's what you don't want to do. Darren, we recorded an episode two weeks ago where Crosby told an anecdote about a time when he accidentally wiped a flannel on his face when he was a kid that his brother had snotted in.

And we lost a subscriber because of it. We lost it in the mess. From our Patreon, someone left our Patreon. I'll find it in the message. She From our Patreon, someone left our Patreon. I'll find it in the message. She said, I don't mind the poo stuff, but this was the line in the sand that I had to draw. Oh, it's my turn, man.

It's my turn, man. But it's not, so your snop bag might be, we might lose more subscribers, which is the thought of it. The sneeze, I think. Yeah, yeah. It can't be a paper bag as well, obviously. Yeah, that's the tricky thing, isn't it?

Because then, but I suppose just a sneak bag for life. It's nice. Sneeze bag for life. You know what it sounds catchy. Get a sneeze bag for life. And then again, you make sure you regularly rinse it out. But I tell you what, it's everybody's job to rinse out their own personal sneeze bag. Because we don't want poor Finchie here

having to not only deal with the sound of the sneeze going into the bag, which is going to be loud isn't it? You're going to hear it going into the bag, equate around in the bag, but also at the end of the day having to wipe out the sneeze bag with some bacterial wipes. If every sneeze bag in each room is a different size, then your sneezes are going to sound different as well And that'll bring them much ne the variety that you look for. I like your variety angle here, too You could tell it bothers Finchie the same sneeze every time It's the monotony of it that's grinding him down

What you're hoping for at the end is you remember back in the olden days Like in the music hall or someone so we'll play a variety of of claxon horns And they play different tunes variety of claxon horns, and they play different tunes over a variety of claxon horns. What Perry wants to do eventually is get finch in his part and take them out on the road with a variety of bags. They would come out at the Royal Variety performance, a variety of bags, and they would sneeze the blue danu

into a, you know, you do that. Call them a lact. Call them a lact. It's not a bag, bring back the special acts. That's what I say, bring back the special acts. That's what I say. Bring back the special acts. I like that.

I like that. These bag beef solved, man. These bag is beef solved, man. Beef from the starting of your beef solved. I think that was the first time we solved a beef before Emma decided to be for solved. Let's bring Athena on. Our next guest is Athena Keblenu. Hi Athena, how are you doing?

How are you? I'm doing good. Hello, how are you? Really good. Thanks so much for coming on. You're good. My pleasure. How's it going?

Well, Darren has got a beef that he would like you to solve. Darren, the floor is yours. This is a legit beef, as in we were talking about it last week. This is how serious it is. I live in a house share. Oh, this is a legit beef as in we were talking about it last week, this is how serious it is. I live in a house share, oh sorry, let me go back, I don't live in a house share anymore. Right, I live on my own, above me, there's some new people who have moved in. Right, so these three girls are quite young and they like to party.

Right, anyway. Oh you said so old, dude. That's so old. This is my prevalent job. Right, anyway, they've started having the, they've started having the washing machine on quite late. The washing machine, the other day, was on at 9pm. My house downstairs starts shaking. Here's the thing, I've been up there numerous times to tell them, please, can you not use

the washing machine at 9pm? Can we work something out? Now, they work different hours. They're not that close, in terms of sharing, can we work something out? Now, they work different hours, they're not that close as like in terms of sharing, you know, putting the same washing in with each other, they do it all separately. I can't complain about that. Here's my main problem with the whole situation. I hate the noise, but every time I go out there, I feel really, really old. And it's really starting to bother me because I used to think I was cool and now I'm telling people to stop washing because it's too loud.

Athena, how can I solve both of these problems? How can I still be cool and get them to not use the washing machine at 9pm? 9pm? What are we doing here? If you could solve this quickly as well because it's Darren's bedtime in 15 minutes. Say that. For real, I've got Todd Lucy goes to Steve later than that. She's still up. She's still up. She's watching dragons run right now. Listen, first of all just reframe it.

It's 9pm here but somewhere in the world it's 3pm right? I just reframe it. I can't remember why. Like it's 2pm somewhere guys. Well, I was to do their washing for them. So, you know what, I'm gonna do them and be like, that could be like a porno, doesn't it? Yeah, the old man, they stay,

he wants to be our Lord you for us. Give me your underwear. Give me your nickers and brars. Just so you know, just your bras should be washed separately. So just so you know, because otherwise the hooks will ruin like tights and things like that. So when you do it, just make sure the bras are on delicate and separate from everything else.

Can you imagine me trying to tell them that? I'll be washing. I know about the bras and how they don't sector. They don't worry about it. But you'd get a beautiful night's sleep and that's the main thing. And as for being cool, like, look, I'm always 40, you get to a point you're just not cool anymore I'm sorry give it there's no solution you're done not sure that's true no no it's a point of no return try and to be cool unfortunately you will make you look less cool the only way you can be cool is to embrace embrace the age and process embrace it you know what have a go at them and the washing machine goes at 8 p.m. 8 p.m. in the middle of EastEnders no No, you haven't allowed me.

Hold me, city. Stop it. Stop it. You haven't allowed me. Take it all the way back. Loose women. You're really stupid. Stop that washing machine. Stop it. Just embrace the aging process. That's why I would do. Get walking stick. Get yourself a cardie. Age yourself up.

Yeah, stop paying the TV license. Just do stuff that will Why Steve went into the court get yourself a frame tennis balls on the bottom kind of take yourself up there really slowly guys Thank you Thank you Finn and now that I'm thinking about it, I have been trying to still keep my coolness and now, bearing mine my age, I feel like, you know that mean,

like, hello, fellow young people. I feel like I've been doing that every time I tell them to stop them all. I'm just gonna embrace it. I'm just gonna embrace it. Go full, go full, Victor Meldru. Yeah. Thank you for seeing that.

I've got, I've got lower back pains and yeah, I'm going to break my old list now. And also it's really it's impressive because Tom usually says just do what Harvey Weinstein does and it's never normally good advice. I clenched my butt when he's not I'll do what Harvey Weinstein doesn't log in ever since then Well, that wristband even as dog clock is right twice a day, right? Well, thanks Darren thanks for coming on as that solved your beef It's definitely helped you. I've just got to embrace the fact I'm approaching for you See you soon

Athena thanks that was great. It's really strong advice straight away. Yeah Well, yeah, you've got to do it. I'm good. Bye Darryl. Athena, thanks. That was great. It was a really strong advice straight away. Yeah. Well, yeah. You've got to do it, haven't you? I don't eat meat, but I'm going to beef. You don't say it in that. Yeah, I'm like that in there. So, have you got the beef here?

I've got the beef right here. Let me read it out. Let's go into it. Okay, let's go. My flatmate, brackets sister, has a dog, brackets, black labrador called polo, more brackets, nicknamed Pauline, all's go. My flatmate, brackets sister, has a dog, brackets, black labrador, called Polo, more brackets, nickname Pauline, all is easy, okay? Okay, it's already too much information.

Too many brackets, I think just ditch the brackets, mate. I think the main thing for you and your addiction to parenthesis. This isn't beef, this isn't equation. Right now. Literally, it's mad. I'm working it out. OK, the dog is called Poe-None, it name Poe-None.

It was easy. The dog suffers from separation, anxiety. Racket's not made it keep like nose. Anytime he's left alone, or with just me, in the flat, he barks nonstop until he comes home. This week, my sister went back to working from the office, and I am still working from home. It's like Chinese water-taughtally. What a Chinese water torture being quite uncomfortable.

My beef is of course with my sister not poorly in the dog. I know she can't stay at home all the time, the sister, but I feel like it's her responsibility not a British comedy groups to come up with a solution. However, if you or your guests hide by the way have any ideas It would save my mental health from completely collapsing. She's also attached to recording of the dog barking Which I don't have I magic just sounds like woof woof woof. I think Emma's got it. We want to hear the dog barking Let's hear about the dog barking. We may as well. Let's have a listen Yeah, that's a dog barking alright. Yeah.

Oh I see, yeah, yeah, yeah, there's a bit of a pause now it starts up again. Okay, thank you Emma. Right. I mean, that's hard. Just like with Darren, I had an immediate solution for this. And the dog misses the owner, okay. So have you seen the seminal movie Face Off with John Chivolta? And English can actually... Yeah, of course.

It's not a movie. It's actually a movie of what's a documentary. But apparently it's a movie. But what you can do is you can take your face off. I say I do it in a movie. But you can swap faces. So the dog misses the sister, doesn't like the other sister. So swap faces.

You stay at home looking like your sister, dog is happy. Your sister goes to work. Probably looking like you. You might be hotter. That might be her advantage. You know, she might get shout up. You know, she might get the man or the woman she's interested in, whatever.

But basically, cut off each other's faces, swap. But be happy about it. Do it consensually. Not like in a movie. Is there a way of maybe just getting a sort of realistic rubber mask of the face or just dressing in their clothes, wearing clothes that smell like them with a wig or something. Oh right. You've got full tear the face off and stick it on. Yeah, yeah, so what we call yours is non-surgical intervention. And that's, that is one way to go about it. But you're not really committing to the solution.

I, you're not committing. It's cheating, but it's your turn. If you're not this dog to shut up, rip off your face and stick it on your sister's face and vice versa. I mean, how annoying is the dog? It didn't sound that. It sound distressed. What you really have to ask is, why does the dog miss the other sister so much?

I've never seen, like, what's going on there? I was digging to that. I was like, what's she doing feeding him beef? There's got to be a way to get the dog to like you, right? Surely there's got to be a way to get the dog to like you. Yeah, dogs are thick. You don't have to do much. Just taking for a walk.

Clean them. Dogs are sweet. Stop calling it thick. You know, just this. Are the easiest pets. I mean, they're easy. You don't have to try harder than them at all. So like food, walkies,

cause call it a good boy. That works. That works. Nice to meet you. Yeah. You know, clean water, let it sniff its arse, stuff like that. Chris, why film reaction was home alone?

I thought like it's a bit less extreme than face off, but like cardboard cut out of your sister, put her on a train set, rocking around the Christmas tree and just get like this cardboard cut out, moving around the flat. I reckon the dog would buy that for a good couple of weeks. Yes and dogs famously can't see Carlo, they just see black and white. They're the only people that only animals that aren't allowed to see Carlo. You guys have to see Carlo that's how it works. That's how we progress guys. But dogs can't. So a silhouette would work fine actually because he'd be like, oh this is how everything looks every day So just the shape of the sister. Yeah, just the shape. Yeah, but what obviously this only works if a sister has a unique shape

Like a particular hourglass or if both sisters no, but if both sisters have the same shape Then that's not gonna work because she's just gonna think oh it's the other one. Okay, so what okay? This is how I look at the the the famous stuff has to put on weight, bear weight, like, you know, get really distinctive, a really distinctive shape, then Tom's idea will work. I love the idea of saying, look, I haven't put on weight, I'm just distinctive now.

That's, yes, look, if you've got a bit of weight in lockdown, actually, I've put on a distinction. What are you talking about? Like, his cock, you know, his cock, his silhouette, exactly. It is a psychonic. I bet his dog was never lonely. Actually, I've got a distinction. What are you doing? Like, Hitchcock. You know, Hitchcock's silhouette. Does it look exactly? It is, a psycho.

I bet he's not with him. He's never lonely. No. That's a nice square of saying it. Well, Hitchcock's dog was never lonely. I put a bit of weight, but Hitchcock's dog was never lonely. And the only thing about that is that is the dog not going to go to the sister.

Like, you're quite friendly in the evenings, like chatting to me and being friendly, but during the day, you're just walking round in a circle, like you're on top of a train set. Like, I'm going to be some of your flat. That's your distinctive shape. It's not going to be a bit of disparity between the way that you're treating the dog

if you're just a cardboard standy. Matt, you're doing the right thing there. You're preempting questions a dog might have. Thank you. Okay, and it's important you have answers to what a dog might have, but don't forget, dogs can't articulate. You can just pretend you've got no idea what I'm talking about. Excuse me, excuse me. Why don't you move to the day and be like, I speak in Odoggy, I speak in Odoggy, I can't help you. You know what I'm saying? So, you can get around that by just pretending you don't speak his language.

Is there an argument to go the other way and learn doggy? And then maybe you'll enjoy having the dog around. Maybe that dog's being really interesting. Like, we couldn't make out what he was trying to say, but it could have been, Dr. Do, let's let it. It could be a really interesting conversation to be out there. All right, if you learn doggy, you can then find out what his beef is.

Why don't you like me? What can I do better? How can I be a better person for you? That's a good incentive to learn how to speak dog to find out why he's being such an asshole. That's got a lot to say. Clearly. Don't be talking all day.

What if he's going to all the trouble to learn to speak dog and the first sentence you say to your dog is, why are you being such an asshole? What if he's trying to tell us that if he's really important, you've got damp love? Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. You've got stuff out. Mine's someone's truck down a well.

You've got a truck down a well. The poor man, the poor dog is trying to tell you about a volcano, it okay, no, it's about to erupt some earth-crisp- The dog knows, man! Yeah, and all you're doing is going to the dog doesn't like me, the dog loves you so much, he's trying to keep you alive with information, but you're not listening, you're just ears. I like it, that's what I think. This is beef-sold. Learn how to speak, dog.

Listen to the dog, man. Listen to the dog. Exactly. Be from the starting, I can be this soft. Oh man. You know what? I tell you what, you've got a proper sort of like laser guided accuracy when it comes to solving beefs.

You're just there. Athena. Listen, Arab is a really conflict. I've got it sorted. Send me over there. Let's not do that tonight. Let's not do that tonight. Let's not do that tonight.

Let's. Let's steer clear of that one. Let's bring out our Next and final guest before we Could you see how awkward we got around any kind of political conversation? What was a political thing would have done yeah Arab Israeli conflict if you want to solve it now Yes You're gonna say no are you like you got to say yes it would love to solve it. That's not the beef I've got I'm not that cruel could you imagine?

Well I've got to say it's coming up. Could you imagine? I want to say pal I'm in the middle of the title to the beef if that was your beef. I'll do my best for this comedy podcast. Thanks for coming on the show James. Athena does have a beef for you. Athena, would you like to tell James your beef and see if James can solve it? Yeah absolutely so I live with this child. This child is almost three, we're related and

she doesn't eat my dinners. I make dinner for her every day. In fact I make breakfast, lunch for her and snack. She don't eat. However, she goes to a childminder, she eats, the childminder is dinner, all of it, laps it up, every day I pick her up, oh she ate this shit that, I want to know how I can politely ask the childminder to cook shit food for my daughter without looking neglectful. You know what I mean, I wanted to serve up like shit pie, you know, I just don't want it to eat, but I don't want to look like an awful parent. Yes. So how do I do that? So hold on.

Is she in the child mind of food? Because it's nicer than yours. I would presume that must be the case. Or is it just because kids, you know, test the boundaries of their parents quite a lot, but not as much with other people. It's like she's somewhere else at the child mind of, she eats it just to like,

because she's being more cooperative. And then with you, she's always testing boundaries. I don't have kids So you know As far as I know you got more than one kid Athena you know a lot more about kids than me So I'm very aware Isn't necessarily coming from would you like to go back to Israel Palestine? Would you be happier there?

That's more my comfort. Well, I feel like I know what I'm on about. I think so, here's the thing. I don't ever want kids, because it doesn't look like fun. I'll hang out with Matthew and his child. Thanks, man. I've done...'ll look at it.

And it doesn't seem like a laugh. And I think, I think they're testing you. So I reckon here's what you should do. Ah ha. Here's what you should do. Okay. One night, you drop off at childminders, say goodbye and door closes.

And then you go round back and you climb through the kitchen window and you make the dinner Right Child minor brings it out puts it in front of your kid the kid eats it Child minor says, well that nice she says yeah, and then you come out and go I made that you won't grateful little shit And that's what you get home as well So you start finishing those things you just admit that you liked it You got owned and then you turn around and fire the child

Mindor in front of it because you have to make an example of people. I'm watching the walking dead at the minute and Negan a lot of the time will just teach everyone a lesson will kill one person just to show the rest of them that you means business So in front of the kid you to fire the child minder to show it if you keep playing these games This is what happens to other people The other option I think I've done if you ever seen the child-minded to show it. If you keep playing these games, this is what happens to other people. The other option, I think, I've never seen the film face-off, but you can get the child-minders face. I think on this podcast, it always goes about saying that the face-off option is always an option. So every beef. Matthew, Ben and I have swapped faces on a two-year-label basis.

You don't really remember who's face and who's body should have go with which now. I had a great 2014ers clarky. Oh, I loved it. Really loved it, but you know what? You've got to go back, haven't you? It's the lesson we learn. Has that solved your beef? Do you know what?

Like, generally, he has. Like, I'm going gonna get a ladder right now. It's on the third floor But I'm gonna cake it we'll stick it in the car tonight and then tomorrow I'm I'm breaking in breaking engineering Not bad is it remember to fire her You're fired I practice you're fired. Yeah, yeah,. In front of the kid and the kid knows stop playing games. If you play games, people get hurt. That's got to be the message of the end. I'm so looking forward to eating her curry. I'm so looking forward to giving her, like,

oh yeah, eat it and just just gonna eat it. And I'm gonna be like, ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! In fact, maybe right on the plate, like, your mother made this.

So you have all the food on it. So when she finishes it she sees the message. And then under the plate right you're fired and then you should have a child by now. Oh guys delicious deliciously cruel love it it's but necessarily so I like it I like it. Let me know how this plays out. We'll do. A thing the thank you so much for coming on the show. Thanks for having me amazing Hey, Kasta are you looking for a job as a child mindry is that what's going on here? Yeah, look You're just waiting to sweep in once she's fired her child mindry isn't it lockdowns hit us all hard

I'm looking at make a little extra cheese and if it takes a child mind a job I'm looking to make a little extra cheese. And if it takes a char minder job, I'll do it. By the sound of things, this kid's pretty easy with the char minder, just eats all the food given to them. So I'll happily char mind an easy kid. You're actually not a bad char minder when we went out to Christopher Palace Park with Cleo. And she wanted to get inside one of the dinosaurs heads.

You demonstrated, she was found it a bit difficult to get inside it. You dinosaurs heads. You demonstrated, she was found a bit difficult to get inside it. You demonstrated how easy it was by getting yourself inside the dinosaur's head. It was really impressive. Well, I'm not sure it was impressive, because the problem with that is that that's me not trying to have fun with the kid.

It's me getting frustrated that Cleo wouldn't just go in the dinosaurs head. She was finding it a bit complicated. I'm like, look, it's easy. You just go backwards. And she was in the dinosaur's head. Yes, he was finding it pretty good. So it was a bit complicated to do. I'm like, look, it's easy. You just go backwards and she was like, I don't know what you're on about because I'm a child and I was like, look and I reversed into it to show her. It's just supposed to do it like this.

And then, so, I don't think I would be fun. Also, Cleo can see through me. You were standing there thinking, that's a good fun child-minded. And Cleo was looking at me like, this is about something else, isn't it? That's what she was saying. I think she knows. She's smarter than me, that's fair. She's smart.

I was in Crystal Palace part the other day, and I saw that little thicket that Claire decided to play. And I nearly set you a photo of it because it's the thicket that me and Matthew have walked past many times in the park thought nothing of it, because we're looking at all the playground stuff, all the diner's soles, all the fun stuff. But Cleo saw that thicket,

and she wanted to play in that for ages. And we were marveling at it, weren't we talking to each other, saying, oh, kids just find the fun and stuff that adults just overlook, I guess. Yeah. They're very philosophical time for us. Yeah, it's all so, it's a great name, thicket.

You don't have enough thickets in your daily days. I don't have my own thicket. Could you imagine? Yeah, that would be pretty good. You mean, a thicket. A foaming garden. Oh, because you could have a thicket in your back garden, couldn't you? Yeah, I don't have one. It's just a bit much for Clarky to have a thicket on the balcony. On his balcony, yeah, that's true, yeah. We'll get you, you know what, your birthday's coming up, Clarky. You can get with it. Oh, because, you know.

You're a sticky thicket. It's, you put it on the wall. We'll happily, the three of us, James, you wanna get in on this, we'll come together and get. I would like to get in on the thicket. Yeah, come together, come together. By Clark, it'll thicket. It's great, I know there'll be no surprise.

So you've got to act a bit more surprised when you unwrap it at your part. Carbala. I'll be'll be no surprise. So you've got to act a bit more surprised when you unwrap it and you're part of our I know I'm very surprised to see it wrapped I think despite this conversation Clarky would still be surprised if the other No, we've said this It's true If you got your beef there do you've got the beef we sent you? Yeah, would you like to read out for us now? Oh, do I read it out?

Yeah, do you not want to? You don't want to read it out, mate. I can read it out. I've got it in my emails. I've read it earlier on. I think it's quite a good beef. If you know what, if you've, I think this might be the third time

I've done this podcast. And this is the first beef where I enjoy a great, yeah. All right, all right. Oh, you think great, okay. Okay, okay. I empathize with this particular right. Oh you agree. Okay. I empathise with this particular bit. Here we go.

Okay. Here we go. Matthew Codsby. Here's your beef for tonight. Hey James, here's the beef we've got. You didn't even ask you to read out tonight. Is that all? So you at the show?

M. That's not the beef actually. Signs it off M. Yeah. Just sign it off M. I was trying to... Like switch beef. Oh yeah, this is it. Beef Brothers podcast at gmail.com.

Great, get in touch. Dearest beef brothers, thank you for the great Patreon content that has filled my ear canal over these try-and-times. Now I'm in a level with you. I nearly stopped reading after that sentence. I didn't like it. I just filled my ear canal up canal, oh, fuck you.

You're okay, get over yourself, mate. That is a catchphrase from the show. So, that's fair enough. You know, it's not quite our pop-up domes or bread, but we're trying to get it to take off. So, you know, for the new ear canal. Yeah, the idea is that we're in the listeners ear canal. That's the, that's the, yeah.

You're a podcast barge, sailing down the listener's ear canal, that's the, that's the, yeah. You're a podcast barge, sailing down there ear canal. Obviously, exactly. Can we have that? So you're warming to it, you're warming to it, you can see how it works. I am warming to it, actually. I like it.

Like this guy's great. Here we go. I have a beef of my partner that I need your help to resolve before one of us cracks. Our bedroom has two doors, and beside each door is a light switch for the big light. I should warn you before I can't be unread in this. It's very much like a philosophical problem

or a maths problem this. It really is quite confusing. It's like, one of them can always lie and one of them can always tell the truth. It's a bit like that. Here we go. Our bedroom has two doors, and beside it, each door is a light switch for the big light. As I am usually first to go to bed, square! I go about our business of preparing

the bedroom, junk from moving from bed, clothes, put away lamp turned on, etc. In the process of this, I may use either light switch to turn the big light on or off. Often as I drift to sleep, I'm awoken with the lights being turned on then in a few seconds turned off again. I start, startled Lee, ask what's going on to which she replies, I'm fixing the light switches. As I have gone about my business the lights have been turned on and off at different switches leaving one to be in the up position and one in the down, which apparently needs to be fixed. How can I help my partner understand

that it's fine for either switch to be up or down? Surely the presence of a light is enough to know if it is on or off and we don't need to rely on the switch position. It's like an easily complied but fear what would be next. I'm sure you can offer a logical solution to this problem. Cheers, Richard.

I do understand the beast. Yes, this problem. Cheers, Richard. I, do you understand the beast? Yes, of course. I, of course. I understand the beef and I've, I know this solution. You already know it. I'll, I'll, I'll, straight off the bat and I know the solution.

You know what? I'm gonna, I'll, I'll hear this out, but I'm gonna call it now. You do not know the solution because I've thought about this a lot since Matthew sent it to me and it's very, very difficult and it is like one of those weird maths problems or something.

No. You can go for it. You can have the floor. And it is like a maths problem because it's a lateral thinking problem. Yes. Horizontal light switches. You get the light switches, you turn them on their side and then there isn't a up or down on or off. It's either left or right and either of those can be on or off, because no one has horizontal light switches.

So therefore there isn't a set on or off place. But then surely, yeah, but it's only just gonna go, well left is always off, right? It's always halved. No, he's gone, he's gone! He's dipped out. That's fair enough to be fair, he's gone.

That is fair enough. I wish, I wish. I wish, I wish. I wish. I wish. It surely is on the lights on, Tom. Tom, what about this? There, you get circular light switches. That I switch.

Switch on, switch on. Like a dimmer switch, yeah. Isn't that better because that's got a definite click on and a definite click off. There's't know, because I'm curious. With Tom's, it doesn't mean you don't have to buy new lights, which is you only have to unscrew them, take it on them 90 degrees. Yeah, you're right, you're right. I appreciate that, but if you do that, you have the horizontal ones.

Yeah. As you say, there's not up or down anymore, but there is left and right, and this person's problem seems to be that she wants both of them in the same position. So she wants both of them up or both of them down. She will want both of them left or both of them right. I disagree. I think her thing is she doesn't want to go to because if I was to say to you, picture a light switch that's off, right? And picture a light switch that's on.

Yeah. There is an off, right? And picture a light switch that's on. Yeah. There is an off, right? And there's an on. But if you're picturing a left right horizontal light switch, there isn't an on or off. And her thing is, she can't go to sleep knowing that the light bulb is in an off position, but the light bulb will come on or it's in an on position, but the light bulbs off. But if it's left and right, there is no right or left to a horizontal lightbulb. It's not how I have interpreted it. So I don't think it's that the light switches off but that's an on position and it confuses her. I think she wants both. She doesn't like it if one is up, one is down. They're not doing the same.

I have this with my light switches. So I've got a situation here in the corridor, where I've got two lights in the corridor, one switch for each light, and I've got two switches for them, one for each light respectively at the end of the corridor. However, one of the lights also has another switch at the other end of the corridor. So if I of the lights also has another switch at the other end of

the corridor. So if I've used that, sometimes those two aren't both doing the same and it does wind me up a bit, not enough that I go and change it, but it winds me up when they're not both, because I like it when they're both like that, because when I have to turn them both, I can just go bang and they're both on at the same time and it annoys me when I've done that one at a different point in the day and I think the way I read this it's more that she wants them both facing the same direction or annoys her. Well then what about because I had to get one for the bathroom recently you've got to get a particular type of one for the bathroom it can't be a little flicky switch because of water. And it's just a big, it's just a big metal panel that you tap on and tap off.

Oh my God. That's it. So it just looks like a metal disc. What about go futuristic on it? Go back to the future too on it and have a big sort of metal disc. I appreciate it. I mean, I appreciate it.

I go back to the nice 89 for my futuristic references. But like a big metal disk where you're just tapping and it always looks the same. There is no on, there is no off. It's just a metal disk. That might have to be the way. The other thing I was thinking is that you put light switches all over the walls. So your entire wall is just a variety of light switches and go look, this is not perfect. We're never going to solve it. Let's just embrace the chaos and deal with that. Your risking unraveling. That's why my A plan is the metal disk, the metal

disk that you tap, tap on tap off. Because I'm going to say the dimmer switches I don't think would work. I don't think you can have two dimmers switches in the same room. I don't think you can because one is actually still going to be on, isn't it? I just don't think it would... No, you couldn't even work. They'd have to be connected to each other so that when you twisted one, the other one would move. It would be impossible. Yeah, so forget dimmers. But I like those.

I like those. We've just recently stayed in a friend's house who had..., was like, Alexa'd up to the wazoo. Yeah. Oh. That was like, Alexa, light green. Alexa, light red, and it was like, it was like black mirror territory. So, you know, I'm just, no, I'm just saying, is there anything to do with technology?

Anything to do with technology. Black mirror I've ever watched. And I've watched a pretty bad one. It's a black Mirror, though. The lights are off, mate. The lights are off. Will we turn him on the Mirror, it goes normal. But yeah, no, so I think that's a good one.

What'd you think of the one with Moriarty in his car? I've never seen it. You see that one? Never seen it, no. Yeah. It's a real stinker. When the police... Yeah.

Really bad. Really bad one. I mean, they're a very mixeder. When the police, yeah. Really bad. Really bad one. They're a very mixed bunch. I like someone. There's an absolutely beautiful one. Yeah. Moriarty in the car is a real bad one.

What's the problem with him in his car? What's he doing? Well, that's the thing for most of it, you're thinking what is he doing? So I don't want to spoil it for anyone to not see it. At the end, it really is a very basic, you know. You know, sometimes the moral is just literally technology is bad and that's it the end. It really is a very basic, you know, you know, sometimes the moral is just literally technology is bad and that's it. That is one of those ones. You know, what the

fuck? You got Moriarty for this. But the Alexa is Moriarty hot priest. Yeah, yeah. You've got, yeah. Do you think he's hot priest now rather than Moriarty? Yeah, good point. Yeah, he maybe should be. I've seen him in both roles. The thing is, he's hot priest now rather than Moriarty. Yeah, good point. Yeah, he maybe should be. I've seen him in both roles. The thing is, he's such a commeminent, he's such a good actor, that you don't really think, yeah, you kind of think they're two different people. So, but in this one, he was doing his best with what he,

what he was given. You know, he must have looked at that script and gone, this is neither a Moriart or a Hot Priest. Well, he's never become a carb like that. What's happened is he said yes to Black Mirror and then the script's arrived and he's gone. Oh, I bet that's the etiquette. Do you want Black Mirror?

You'd be like, yes. It lends on your doorstep and it's like a bag of revels. You're eating and you're like, oh, no. You can't go back now. Is there any chance I could not be in this one because you're gonna go, why, what's wrong with that one? They're all words of genius and you're like, yeah, sorry, brookie, you're right, yeah, sorry.

Yeah, yeah. I'm pulling Jesus, I can't do this. You know I'm hot priest, right? You know I'm hot priest, I was Moriarty. Yeah, yeah. I'm hot priest of Sleesbag, come on, mate. Hot Moriarty, that's what I think of him as. There you go. Hot Moriarty, that's what I think of him as there you got Moriarty

I think the Alexa thing would work as well with the light switches. Yeah It takes out the romanticism. I think there's something romantic about lights Oh my God I'm willing to listen to this But it's actually the color and there's obviously the the different you know Alexa can condemn the lights and you can say, you know, Alexa magenta 75%. You know, that's what it'd be very sexy if you were ever like turn it because like, like Paris says, maybe you turn off the lights just before some intimate times, but maybe you don't want to ask Alexa another life name before.

You don't want to, especially not Alexa Magenta 72%. Oh, is that not, is that not what does it for? Do anything for you guys? I quite liked it. Yeah, we can. Turn my light switch on. What you do is let you do the opposite. You'd want to program Alexa with like code word,

where it's like, when I say this word, you know what to do. Magenta, 72% play, you know, whenever it is to get to the game. You say, you go into the room and you go Alexa, 72% magenta, and your partner goes, nope. LAUGHTER We both had a desire to be 72% magenta right you may think it's 72% magenta it is it's zero percent black mirror as well it is yeah you're speaking of the car this is more like a black mirror episode now yeah yeah

yeah yeah and Alexa we get a mind of its own and start changing the lights, you know, for what? Alexa decides when you do when she's in the mood when she wants to see it. Yeah, Alexa's life, which turns it magenta. Alexa, you start. She pulls the light sex slaves to Alexa. Yeah, it's like Alexa letters out and she's like not until you've done 72% magenta. And it's actually a metaphor for porn addiction. And, uh, because that's an internet thing. No?

Oh, cool. But I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,. And it's like, yeah, and there would be like a side plot with one of the members of the couple is like, it's also a porn addict. And Alexa's like copying the guy. So you take the lesson. It's learned behavior from a porn addict. Because Alexa has obviously, it'd be like Alexa showed me more porn, you know, and Alexa's like, oh, okay.

Yeah, Alexa starts liking it. And Alexa becomes sentient and starts like, juicing off, Alexa starts liking it. Alexa becomes sentient and starts like juicing off little Alexa's or something. Right, this is a chance to, this is like hot priest redemption. We've got again him on the phone. We're casting him in this phone, our own series.

Don't know what we're called. I mean, our own black beef mirror. The beef mirror. The beef, oh my god, beef mirror is a good. Beef mirror. The bad name. Beef mirror. I like it.

It's like a sexy black mirror. Yeah, it's always about horn addiction. All the episodes are like that. Yeah, it's about horn. Every episode is basically mostly people shagging under, in the half light. Can't we? It's poorly lit pornography and we're calling it beef mirror.

Beef. Right, beef solved. Yeah, beef solved. I was starting at the beef solved. Right, so almost at the end of the show, but James, do you have a beef that you would like us to solve? There's no hand over here, so if you've got a beef, you'd like us to solve that There's no hand over here. So if you've got a beef, you'd like us to solve

that you think we could. I do. I'm afraid I thought that this worked in like a cyclical thing. So I thought my beef would be solved by your first guest. Oh, that's lovely, actually. That's a really nice idea. That's why I gave you this particular beef.

I'll give it a sh**. Should we text Ed and see if you want to come back? Sure. I'll text him. I mean, you know, he normally doesn't respond to my texts. So I know that he's eating a chicken. Yeah, so you want to live his roasted chicken. Do you want to come back, A-Caster's playing up?

Come back for my beef, I'll text to them. We'll see what happens. But start us off with the beef in case he leaves it to the restaurant. I think that's right, that is the nice way to do it. That is the nice way to do it, but then the show would never end, wouldn't it? Also, it's a dodgy booking to go, right, you're coming on at the start, you've got to wait for an hour and a half and then come on at the end. Yeah, but you've got a game with gamble.

You've got a game of coins yet? I've got it, I think. He's not coming back. He's not, as you said. I'm eating a roast chicken. You've got it yet. Yeah, I've got it. He's not coming back. It's not as you said I'm eating a roast chicken and he knows that. Yes. Yes That's what we talked about me now look at my not a little boy. I'm eating a roast chicken and he knows that He also said he did a terrible shit and you can't stop thinking about it feel free to bring that up I texted that about that. Yeah.

In what way was it terrible? I said, well, it was just sudden. I was here waiting, you talked to a female, and then my body went, everything needs to go right now. I was like, oh, shit, I've got like five minutes. I was like, I've run to the toilet, and then it really exploded out of my ass. And I was like, this is really bad. I've got to finish this and clean up and try to get back on papi's. It's to be in my head this is going to be in my head and I texted Ed when I was when I

got back here so I know it's in my head Ed I'm going to be thinking about this awful shit I just had and now he's used that against me yeah he's got me yeah now I think he's gone back to his chicken now so sorry about that yeah it probably has but you know now thanks to him bringing it up he's going to be thinking about this awful shit that I was in his chicken. It was exactly his own design meal sounds like you already was Oh, yeah, it's just he's just texted me all in caps lock army in my dinner Okay, very enough, but for next time thanks for helping us work out the kinks in the format for next time We'll have the first guest someone slightly more amenable than there than gamble More was happy to you. Yeah, but you, James, it'll be you.

You've made a rock for your own back. You'll have to stick around. You come as the first guest, then you've got a good 90 minutes to do a terrible shit. And you can come back sweating with a towel around your waist. I'll go. I'll go. Complete change of clothes.

Well, we'll attempt to solve the beef, nevertheless. What's the beef? I do cook-alongs with my mum every now and again. And she makes this amazing ice cream called peanut butter slice cream with her own peanut butter slice, which is basically homemade, Reese's peanut butter cups in ice cream. And I told my friend Ed about it. And I told him that I was doing a peanut butter slice cream cook-along mum and he asked if he could come along and do it as well and she sent us the ingredients in advance and we were told to bring condensed milk and my friend Ed ignored that and brought evaporated milk instead and really just disrespected my mother by doing that it really upset

her I think she felt like she'd wasted her time and then he kept telling her that it would be fine and very patronising to her and then he basically afterwards said that the peanut butter slice cream was absolutely rock solid and he couldn't get it to thaw out and melt at all and he had to eat it like blocks of ice because it wouldn't it wouldn't go soft after it had been in the freezer. So I guess my beef is like, how do I convince my friend Ed to maybe admit to my mother that he did make a mistake,

rather than continually telling her that she was worrying about nothing and get basically gaslight in my mother into thinking that there wasn't a problem when there was. I'd like my friend Ed to be honest with my mum so that she doesn't lose confidence in doing cook-alongs with people. So just to get the full picture,

yeah, he has never said anything. So he explained to you what a hash he'd made of the meal after it came out of the freezer. But he's never said, it's not on a WhatsApp group which you're all on, he's not explaining this. So as far as she knows, he was very rude to her. He went off, he suffered the consequences, but she's still dealing with the, the PTSD of him, the tongue lashing. He's not even knowledge that it wasn't a mistake to her. And I think she's lost her confidence

when it comes to doing cook-alongs with people because she feels disrespected. How about we, we all now try and send Ed a text message To make him apologize to your mom. I mean what all the listeners We dox can turn up his number. He told he told everyone I had a shit. Oh happily readers number Don't know about that I didn't know there was a difference between condensed and evaporating milk and certainly not what, enough of a difference for it to affect your ice cream. So has it got a point? No, because obviously there is a difference.

I'm going to say this to you, Parry. The clue is very much in the name of both of them, the difference between the products. And they do different things. So, you know, the condensed milk makes it nice. So it freezes in the freezer, but then it comes out, and it's soft and slight ice cream would normally do. The evaporated milk just binds it all together extra tight. And so he said he had out the freezer for 45 minutes, and it was still like a block of ice.

So that's what we're talking here. He had to eat them in blocks like blocks of ice. He said they still tasted nice, but he would have preferred some nice creamy ice cream, which he didn't get. Do you think your mum is so shell shocked from this experience that she's not going to do she if you said I'll let's do another cook along with with Ed. She would she would say no, no way, no, no way, am I going to would say no, I think she would say no, he'll just make fun of me again and he won't listen to me about the ingredients and then he'll just make fun of me when he's making the wrong thing.

I don't want to do it with Ed anymore. I know what to do. Ed has got to do, you've got to persuade Ed to do a cook along. So like say for example tonight you go, by the way mate, your roast chicken certainly delicious. And I've always struggled with roast chickens. Do you mind if we do a cook long next Sunday where you taught me through your roast chicken? Great.

And then when he logs on to Zoom, you're like, oh, my mom's here by the way and she's like, I've got a goose. I'm just like, oh no, no, it doesn't work with a goose. And she's like, yeah, goose is a chicken. And like, he's like, no, no, because we're roasting this chicken and it's like, no, it doesn't work with a goose. And she's like, yeah, goose is a chicken. And like, he's like, no, no, cause we're roasting this chicken in, it's like, no, kid.

And then like, she's like battering this goose against the wall and shit. And like, it's freaking out. And then it's like, well, how'd you like it? Yeah, just every possible ingredient, he's like, oh, this is the bit where you slice up the onion. And she goes, well, I've got some Lego, everything, just like whatever,

just nothing, no, no likes to a goose. No likes for like, exactly, yeah. That's it. You must have actually made it feel like a Lego-filled goose. I mean, she's slightly punishing herself because then she has to go, it's tasty-scasting. Well, you've met my dad and you know that he will, he's already so happy. That's what she sprinkles a little sugar on that goose.

We're fine. You're making a dense milk on the top, yeah. That is like the best creation ever. It's actually to spite edge, she comes up with the best. If we go Georgia's marble is medicine on it, and actually, it turns out to have sort of magical powers. All of these things together.

Oh, my goodness. She could become the next test in Blumenthal. You know, in the way... I made Georgia's marble is medicine. When I was a kid. I thought, yeah. How did it turn out in real life? I don't know because we couldn't the person who we tried to trick into drinking it my father

outwitted us and We're pretty on the top. He would have he would have drunk the entire thing. Yeah I mean we would have learned him in but it said it was this like it was well We didn't help that we made it in me and my friend who was called George That's why we did it made it in an old tube that used to contain bubble mixture. So it clearly wasn't an actual legit drink, it still had like, you know, the sticker on it.

And we just put everything, as many things from the book as we could find in there. We got told off of trying to get my dad to do a shot of bleaching. Didn't try it ourselves. I think that's a great solution to the, I think more of the beef solution should be essentially revenge. Yeah, I think that's the best way to, I hope that one day in my life I get to take revenge on someone, don't you? You know what they say, revenge the dish best served by cooking deliberately the wrong ingredients. Yeah. Yeah. And if that doesn't work, James, there's always face-off. Yeah.

Yeah. Of course. There's always the face-off. Is there a situation who's doing the face-off? Well, you get Ed's face and apologise to your mum. And apologise to your mum, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I think that's the best of it. That would be great. Yeah, I could do that. And then you get to like, walking, you get to go on XFM and be like, oh, I'm a dickhead, oh, oh, and it can't blow a bit at home being like, no, stop doing that. Yeah, that's not good. Still not, hey, still not listen to the show, have you Tom?

He's catchphrase war of a dickhead. In Josh Quinn, it was always. Yeah. What's it? Ah, one of us likes, really loves the ban queen and the other one is from Waias. Yeah, that's the one. Yeah, that's what we've been trying out. We'll work for the last guys.

James, thank you so much for coming on the show. Thank you guys, thank you for solving my beef. It's been so helpful. It's been a total pleasure. Good luck with the cleaner population. Yeah. Good luck with the food. Let me tell you.

Yeah, it's pretty bad. LAUGHTER Your body's taking revenge on itself really, isn't it? It has preemptively. It's like, how's this from a beef? LAUGHTER So bad. Gonna send Ed a little.

Oh, it's a little... Some choice words over text message. Think it has to send Ed a little. A little choice words over text message. I think it has to be done. Cheers, see you very soon. And see you guys later. Enjoy your thicket clarky. Oh, cheers mate. Can't wait. What a prize.

Well, there we go. That was, you know what? That was pretty good. I enjoyed that as the first ever Papi's's flat share beef brothers cold cut sausage link. I was to iron out some kinks in the format as we do it. That's what we've been doing for the last past 10 years, isn't it? Iron out the kinks in the format. One day we'll get an entirely kink free show. But no kink training, obviously. So thanks very much if you enjoyed this. No, thanks if you didn't.

I don't know what I was saying. Thank you, George. Thanks for you, George. If you enjoyed it, up you also if you didn't. Don't forget, if you've got a beef you'd like us to solve, then beefbrotherspodcastatgmail.com is the address to go to. And our next guest is May Martin. So if you've got a beef you'd like her to solve,

then please do get in touch straight away. She'd be a very, very good one, that one. Right, all the reins is saying cheers guys. Cheers everyone. Bye! I'm sorry, I can't believe you solved. So there you go. Yeah.

What, first things first, what a great lineup, Crossbow. Strong. Really, really strong. And some newcomers to the Flatshare family, and I'm sure it won't be the last, we hear of a bunch of them, I'd like to get them back for all of our other formats. If they agree to that, fine. Yeah, really, really good to have some old friends and some new friends there.

And yeah, really, really fun. It was only, I think, let me see if I can find this message now, but it was only a couple of days later that I got a message on Monday morning. So we recorded it on Sunday, Sunday night. I got a message on Monday from Ed Gamble saying, If I didn't give Louis beef, how would the sausages linked? Because she gave me a beef. Why did I even have to come up with a beef?

I don't think you understand sausages. I like to text him, yeah, I fucked up. I got it wrong. I was so excited to tell him about Loon not understanding the concept of beefs that I myself didn't understand the concept of our own show. Well, you don't understand the concept of sausages. I mean, no more damning feedback than that really from one of our headline guests, from one of the top foodies of the podcast world. Tell me, this is us, we've been trying to get on off menu. You think we'd be a show in, we've been trying for absolutely years.

I think the shipper sales now, first series they were getting their mates in, their last guest was Martin Freeman, and we've just proved that we don't understand the concept of very basic food stuff. We don't understand the sausages. Let's's think of what we're talking about. They were looking for a concrete reason not to book us, and I think we've given it to them. But yeah, great, really great guests, all of them.

And I think here's the thing, the reason it gets such great guests is because you say to people for a flat-shest land down, do you want to come and do a two hour show and they go, no. But if you say, do you want to do 10 minutes in a two hour show they say yes, however How are we gonna book that first guest to get into and say come and do 10 minutes at the start wait 90 minutes Then come and do 10 minutes at the end. It's gonna be a hard book in that one It's gonna be hard to find that it's a particular kind of sucker who's willing to do that Not someone who's you know who's got a roast chicken in the oven. So if you enjoyed the show there, we did record it live with a live audience who watched

on YouTube, so we'll probably be doing it again, so look out for that if you want to be part of the live recording of it, you can actually watch the whole thing unedited, unfurls part of a live event, I'm sure we're doing it again. I definitely think we will, it was really fun. I loved it. And if you enjoy our output then there is more output available to you if you get to our Patreon for just four pounds a month. You get a whole horde of other content. You get or horde of other content. You get exclusive Patreon flat share, lockdown episodes.

Yes. Oh, there we go. It's another title you have to remember. You get our flat share jingles as a single. You get to be part of the Patreon community, a whole host of other goodies. Loads of bonus beefs. It's really, and also bonus beefs

with a bunch of our recent guests as well. So that is fun, worth going to, and actually we've got the whole unedited video up on the Patreon. So if you join the Patreon, you can watch the whole thing if you missed it. It's all up there as part of the price. So yeah, very exciting. I'm trying to try new tax as well because last time I, you because last time I tried the guilt trip before, this is what I'm gonna go for this time. I'm gonna go for, I think I need surgery. So, yeah, I think I need, you know,

plastic surgery? It's gonna be a, I have a few inches on to my own heels. I wanna be put on a medieval rack. You know Cuban heels, that isn't surgery, you know? I'm gonna have them surgically, I'm gonna have them stitched onto my body. Yeah, it's gonna be some permanent Cuban heels. I'm gonna have permanent heels stitched on under the skin.

So when you, like the actual Cuban heels will be entirely hollow. It will be actually part of my body. Yeah, yeah, it's not a bad look. Like when they say certain stars have like their makeup permanently tattooed on their face because they're on telly so much. Yes. Is that true of Tom Cruise that he's had his Cuban heels kind of...

...of the... ...part of the... ...that's why I'm going, you know, I'm slowly but surely modeling myself on Tom Cruise. By the way, have I talked to you about joining Scientology Tom? No, no, no, no, come on. We've got it by the end of this, by the end of this year, I want us both going clear. If it does, think it'll do wonders for us in the podcast world.

I don't know. Who are the big Scientologists and how are their podcasts doing? Has that got a podcast? I don't know. These are the kind of questions we deal with over at the Patreon. So get on over there. And you'll find out the answers. Patreon.com, forward slash Pappy's Flash Air, get yourself over there today. And also, if you can't afford to join the Patreon, a lovely review would do us the world

of good. A five-star review, if you like and subscribe to our podcast, it all works towards the algorithm and helps other people like yourselves find our podcast and that is important. I don't want to put words into your mouth, but you know, even better than Bex podcast. That won't do it, you know, five stars. Or even better than a pint of Bex VR. Either way, just as long as you mention Bex or Bex in it, we'll be happy with that review. Right, what else is there to say? Join us on Twitter, join us on Facebook, join us on Instagram, you know what I find us, but most of all,

have a lovely time and see you next time. Cheers everyone. Bye! We shouldn't say these episodes, but you said we're in the caution. We always do. This episode was produced and won a job, by the way, she did. This was episode, because, you know, to be able to produce live. She was producing a live and, I mean, she was controlled, I think she was in more, she was more in control of the format than we were. Well, what it feels like is being the captain of a cruise ship liner that is still being built as it's at sea and having to kind of hell and being like,

oh, we still haven't finished the whole yet. Yeah, I think it's been the captain of the Titanic, but the iceberg is in three parts and is on the ship claiming they're the captain. Now that's a film I'd watch. Oh, it's like a cross between Captain Phillips and Titanic, with the iceberg in the sun,, so I'm in captain now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The icebergs are on the ship.

The phone calls... Iceberg, dead ahead. Where did that come from? The course coming from inside the stern. Anyway. Yeah. Anyway, it was the iceberg played by Daniel Stern. No, I said no.

I could see you were wrapping up and I was like, why I could tell It was there I had to say it Daniel Stern got yeah Daniel Stern and Joe Pesci pray the icebergs The cally-kalkins the captain Please anyway, it was produced by McCorsham Team Hang on, not the film, that film wasn't produced by McCorsham It was produced by Em Nysham Alain McCornicokin is the iceberg

Cheers everyone Bye Cheers everyone!