Pappy's Flatshare - Beef Brothers Cold Cuts w/ Celya AB S13E11

Episode Date: April 17, 2023

The Beef Brothers are here to sort out your beef with special guest Celya ABCelya AB - https://twitter.com/abcelyaPappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetPappy's Insta - https://www.instagram.com/pappyscomedy/Support us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareFind tickets to all our live shows here - pappyscomedy.com/liveEdited by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman planting her course to free to tap in love for. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Four things. It's like theaters December 15th.

Greetings, listener dear. I'm Matthew. Hello. I'm Ben. Hello, Ben. How are you doing, man? You know what? It's absolutely fair enough. When Tom's not here, the system all falls out of what? You think the intro is hello? I mean, there's nothing wrong with saying hello. There is something wrong with saying hello over the top of the store, saying that it's okay.

It's nice to say hello, man. Hello, hello everyone. So this is a really fun episode of Beef Brothers Cold Cuts, Paffees Flat Share Beef Brothers Cold Cuts. We've got the brilliant Celia A.B. as our guest today. You may know Celia from her wonderful standup. You may remember her from the Mac Fest episode of Flat Share Slendown, which you did with Rose Johnson, way back last year, which

we had a very good time with her, and we thought why not get her on the get her on the beef brothers pod. And yeah, this was this was great, great fun. Another quick appeal for for beefs, because we've got you know we have a nice little backlog, we've got a handful, but it's always good to have some more. Yeah. So, gotta keep the beef topped up, you gotta keep the beef fresh.

That's the thing as well. I often find that the most, I don't know what it is, there's something about the beefs that have just come in that week that I go, why? They've just come in that week, I really feel inclined to stick them

in that week's episode. So, beefbrotherspodcast.gmail.com. If you've got a problem with, it could be anyone in your life now, because we're now doing free range beefs. So it could be your, your landlord, it could be your, your, your, your partner, it could be your kids, it could be your next door neighbor, someone you work in an office with. Yeah, we have a good office one in the, in the upcoming up and out. I do in an office with. Yeah, we have a good office one in the app coming up and I do enjoy an office beef.

Yeah, because good. Because let's face it, it's quite easy to get along with the people you live in a house with. The pressure's a bit different. And you also think, well at any point, if I'm in a flat share situation, I can leave at any point, your job, your sort of, you're stuck in.

You know, you can interview for flatmates. They interview point, your job, your sort of, you're stuck in, you know, you can interview for flatmates, they interview you, the job, and then just stuck with a bunch of randos, having to work with them all the time. So sending your beefs that you have with people you work with, even just people you interact with on a day to day basis, if there's someone in your local shop, and that's grinding your gears.

Beefbrotherspodcast.gmail.com, we'd love to hear from you. We're gonna stop, we're gonna stop the app in a way, get to yourself to the Patreon, obviously, patreon.com, for us later, I'll be back to you, but most of all, the most important thing is enjoy this episode.

Oh, and also, I think Clark, you wanna say hello, so, didn't you? Hello. Hello, everyone, to Celia, AB didn't you? Hello. Hello everyone, to Celia A-B. Well, if you've got a problem, I'm calling a problem, because you've got a problem calling a B. If you've got a B, maybe we can help you be from the sorting at your B.

Welcome. So Celia A-B, hello, well, Hello. How's it all going? Really good, actually. I'm a tad hunger for today. But I... Really?

What's going on? What did you get up to? Because it's always interesting for me because I'm obviously an old man with two children. So I like to live the carousel through young bucks like yourself and Clarky, who get to go out in the evenings and do things. What were you doing last night? Me and all the young millennials in Gen Z, we had a massive party, and it was a big party, wasn't it, Ben? Yeah, it was amazing.

It was so good. It's an attitude, isn't it? It's not an age thing. It's a, you know, are they going to say yes, if we invite them or are they going to make some sort of excuse about having to look after these children they've got? The children were there. We all, this is really sad actually. I've only had, I've stopped drinking basically, not for any dark reasons, just because I'm enjoying having my head being clear. But that means that I get

hungover so quickly now that I had one pint of Guinness last night and I feel like dirt today. Right. Yeah. Yeah. See, that's another great reason to not stop drinking just plow through. Always there at a certain level. Yeah. At least if you go, well, it was seven points of Guinness, you go, well, I earned it. You there at a certain level. Yeah, at least if you go well it was seven points against you go well I earned it. You know. Oh yeah. I've heard this green poo. I'm good otherwise I'm having a nice cup of tea. I've become I think I've I've developed

mid 30s energy. Oh yeah. Which is drinking tea. And being able to have the one Guinness. Sometimes I drink tea and look at a window. I did that for a bit. Oh my goodness. I think that's mid-50s energy, isn't it? I'm not sure. I've not reached that stage yet.

I'm really mature for my age. You're an old soul. You're an old soul. What's outside your window? What are you looking at? Do you want to see? I mean this is... Well, I mean it's it's it's it's it's it's an old podcast but it's a nice view though. It's nice it's got my my neighbours are constantly having parties and I kind of feel like real windows have you seen that film? Yeah. Well, yeah, but doesn't someone get murdered in that? Yeah, but like one day, someone come out and they look like they were digging something up

and I was like, oh, there we go. I'm not kidding. You think they're burying bodies? Yeah, I think if I saw my neighbors commit a murder, I don't think I'd say anything. I think I would like zip it up. You're not saying it. Would you tell them that you knew, but that you weren't going to tell anyone, or would you keep it complete?

Because it's that tricky thing, because you could say to the person, look, I know you're a murderer, but it's all right. I'm not going to tell anyone. And then you hope that they would go fine. You're on my side. I'm not going to murder you murder two doors down. Great, but, but then I've got one. But then of course you do run the risk of, you know, you've, you've basically incriminated yourself there that you know, that you're onto them and they think, well, I think I would try to get them on my side. So I would sort of like walk past them saying things like,

oh God, I love murdering. I wish I met someone. I don't really love murdering this time of year. And then just really get them on side. Paint yourself as a sort of murder stan, you know? I'm not like, it's not necessarily like, I've committed load of murders myself, but I definitely am into the sort of general vibe

of murdering and murderers. That's what I would do. I'll wear the t-shirt. I'm sure. You're awesome. You're awesome. You're awesome. You're awesome.

You're awesome. And so we know about your neighbours, but what kind of a person are you to live with? Do you have housemates or flatmates? I do, I've got Uno flatmates. I've started spying Spanish. I hope you don't mind. No, that's great. That's amazing. You know a wonderful, wonderful word, wonderful game as well. Uno's, oh yeah, Uno, DOS. Now I have Uno flatmates.

Yep. Okay. And she is... That's amazing. Did you use Savdoss and then you killed the one that now is you? Oh no! And she's a landlady. And it's the first time that I live with a landlady. And she is great. And I mean, I'm so nice to live with just one person

because 50% of the time you're by yourself. So it pretend that you live by yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also as well, the other 50% of the time, you can pretend, because the land lady is literally there, you can pretend like you own the place. Because you can go, we've got to sort this thing out. And you could go, yeah. Have a conversation like this thing out, you know, and you could go to,

have a conversation like it's actually, you're gonna have any sort of say in how these things are gonna get sorted out. Yeah, I have like a, I think having, do you know when you're first moved to London, most places you live in have like white walls because you're renting, so you just, everything is white walls,

you can't put anything up on the walls. And so, like like my new obsession is painting everything fun colors, but like I think it's getting problematic because I'm always suggesting things to paint different colors. My room is completely yellow, the living room is like peach, and I just I feel like that's like a kind of a flex when you live in London to have colored warts. Yeah, because I am in my house that I own, but I've got white warts. Yeah, I didn't realize that I didn't realize that's what I should have been doing.

I should have been painting all the walls blue and make it look like Mr. Tumbles house. Yeah. And presuming you're getting the permission first, you're saying to the land lady right, I feel like we should make the living room peach. And she's going, yeah, go for your life. Yeah, I think when I moved in, it was already quite beautifully colored, but I think there's like,

I didn't realize I could have this power of just coloring walls, because if you tell a kid, you can pick any color and put it on the wall, then lose their mind. And I think that that kid is still in my brain about like, I can just draw flowers on it. I could do whatever I want. This is wonderful. Yeah, I painted my sister's room once. I'm not entirely sure why I did it. She asked for it.

She's like, I want a blue, and she had like a night sky scape on her ceiling. So I did that. So I did like a blue did like a blue ceiling for her and then like gold stencils of like stars all over her ceiling. What a nice thing I did for my, I've just turned my back. So lovely to do that, did for my sister. Do you wanna come around mind it?

I love that. I do. I'd love that. I remember once my brother was, we used to show a room name our brother for quite a long time actually. I think until, right until 15. That's too bad. It is a bit late when you think about it.

And we went into graffiti's one year and painted the whole room like graffiti's. And they grew old. So you felt like you were sleeping under an underpass? Feeties one year and painted the whole room like graffiti's So you you felt like you were you as sort of sleeping under an underpass. Yeah, it felt like It's a brother Banksy by any But yeah, I think there is like that's my current living situation. I'm really happy. I used to live in an awful house, so this is nice to live in a place that I like. And what, like, because when I think of landlady, and I know this is a terrible stereotype,

but I think if somebody is a lot older than you, I think there's so many who sort of drinks a cup of tea and stay as out the window. That's what I think. But is your landlady of a similar age? Are you mates? Yeah, she's about 10 years older than me. And she's really cool. Like, when she's 37, yeah, that's 10 years. Yeah, she's 37. She's really cool. She like, she gets so much done in a day that it blows my mind.

She starts her day at 7 a.m. talking Spanish lessons. Ah, and you've got the class to the wall. I'm just trying to get her free Spanish lessons. Oh, and that? Uno, okay, right, that's a good answer. And then she goes to work, goes to her gym classes.

She just, her day is so optimized all the time that it makes me the comedian feel really lazy with my day. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. I would hate that. Would you? Would you? Would you chill out, mate?

But has it rubbed off on you at all? Yeah. I'm... I mean, you're awake now, it's caught up on one of the afternoon. That's early for a comedian, you're still, you know? Oh my God, I had to get up at 9 today and that's my whole personality, you know? It's like, today I had to get up at 9. I'm like, I'm gonna keep banging on about it all day. It's so funny how the...

how the goalpost shift as you get older or as life changes for you. I remember, I remember, you know, like, and back in the day when, when like, you'd have to, if you're working in an office, and I'm talking about like, you know, in like, tele jobs, where the day starts at 10 a.m., right? The day starts at 10 a.m. I remember if they'd say, hey, listen, we've got a lot to do. Would you, would you ever want to come into the office at 9.30? I would just go, how got a lot to do. Would you wear everyone's mind coming into the office at 9.30? I was just like, how am I supposed to do that?

How am I supposed to do like, how am I physically? It's gonna take me 45 minutes to get there. How am I, what time do you expect me to be waiting? Oh, you know, it takes me, it takes me seven and a half minutes to get out of bed, brush my teeth, have a shower, put my clothes on and leave the house. So how am I gonna find this extra time? Okay.

Well, I think it's like, do you know what? Sweet is when you get up really early for a flight and you see parts of the day that you've never seen before and like seeing like it's like you leave your house at 4 a.m. or 4 let's say 4.35 a.m. and you see it's like they put in the set of the world together like every you're seeing them. It's like they put in the set of the world together like every like you're seeing them It's like the true-man show like everyone's kind of like like I'm a banker today and like it's But I always feel better when I get up early, but like I go through phases like the past few weeks I've been getting up quite late, but then I'll have like Up three months where I get up at eight every day.

But I think it's normal when you're gigging comedian. You know, if you're gigging like, you know, whatever like up north, but you've had to travel home, you know, it could be a three hour, four hour journey home, you could've got in at, you know, like two, three in the morning. If you're mad to go now, I'm still gonna get up at seven a.m. Yeah. For a run, because you're just gonna run yourself

into the ground, aren't you? I know. Yeah, I think it's like, like, people need to chill out about the morning. That's my take. There's like so many people at a so like, what? Best part of the day.

You think that's early, and what, like my brother always does it when I've been like, I've got, it's just like, we need to get off early in the morning. So, and he's like, what, what times that? I was like, I can't even need to be on the road by eight. Oh, you think that's early? I mean, what?

You know what, mate. As someone who has little kids and I wake up early, I still think getting on the road for eight is early. Yeah, yeah. But it does feel like you've cheated the day then, doesn't it? When you're like, when you get stuff done before 10, you're like, this isn't, I feel like I've added extra storage to the computer of my day.

Yeah, but like, wait a minute, the time later, don't you? If you get to a level you've got to load a work, you go, I'll just have a really lazy 11.4. That's true. Now, I'll just do fuck off for the rest of the day. I feel like there's an amount of work you're ever gonna do in a day, and you pretty much always do it, right?

That's how I rationalize it. So I could start at 7 a.m. and just blast through it and get it all done by midday, but I'm not going to. I'm gonna start half fast nine, 10 o'clock, and it's gonna last till 11 p.m. I'm gonna convince myself I need a break. Exactly. I'm going to have as much to show for it as if I'd just done a really concerted blast in

the morning and let's be the rest of the day in the gym. I like to do the same principle as high intensity training before my day. So like blast of big things that I'm getting done and then just rest for a long time. But also like I think sometimes I can convince myself that I'm getting stuff done because like a lot of the days also looking after yourself and be like I need to make sure that I'm like doing all the stuff that I want to do. So like I'll be watching Mad Men for example. Like I'm on my third Mad Men episode and I'm drawing and I'll tell myself, because I'm drawing, this is work. But it's not.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, absolutely. You're also drawing on the living room walls, aren't you? Yeah. From the starting, I can be. Shall we crack on with somebody else's beef? Yeah. Let's try something else's beef, let's start off with this one. This one is from Paul and it is a speedo beef. Oh hello. Okay. A speedo beef. I would appreciate it if we called it

buff just for the purpose of this episode. A speedo bow, yeah. Happy to call it buff brothers, yeah. Okay, so speed of buff from Paul via buffbrotherspodcast at gmail.com. Hi, I have a buff with my flatmate, comma, sorry, brackets, wife. My buff is I bought some swim shorts, trunk speedotypes. I took them home, tried them on to show my wife, and she will not let me take them on holiday to wear, as she said they were obscene with the bold showing at the front, and they'll be kids on the beach. These are swim trunks that are comfortable and cover everything, so I can't see the issue. Please help with this beef.

Cheers Paul. Sorry, forgot to add, I listened to your podcast over here in New Zealand, I moved here in 2007, and I regularly promote your work to others here to listen to. Funny, when I hear Kia ora, here I still think of the Kia ora juice ads at the cinema, just saying, okay, that will do by Paul. Okay, thank you Paul for adding those extra details. By the way, Paul sent two emails, which I love about Paul because he said his first email,

which was all of the business of the beef, right? Everything we needed to talk about. And then a little bit later he went, oh, a few details I forgot to add. One in New Zealand, I don't know if that change is anything. It's like, it's maybe it does. Maybe it's like he does. Two, when I hear them talk, say, Kioora, which is the traditional New Zealand greeting, I think of the Kioora juice advert from the cinema.

I don't know if that's a, These are things to bear in mind when we're with details. Yeah, I liked that Paul had to be like, by the way, I'm kind of your New Zealand base. Yeah. Yeah. If you have another New Zealand listener, it's because I've told them about it. Yeah. Popgosh is not that big. the chances are they've heard it from Paul. There was a bit of like, don't worry about it darling, but I'm telling everyone about you. We appreciate it. If people in there, if it is a willing to put the word out, we're not gonna, we're not gonna like them off. Yeah, we do actually, we will.

I will. People will be like, quite a bit. Listen, if you don't want a Celia A.B. New Zealand contingent in the form of Paul, then you know, you're going the right way about it. And so let's talk about the acceptable swimwear. If you are, and we talk about a beach holiday as well, this is not, he's not saying this is me, you know, on the beach in New Zealand.

This is a holiday we're imagining, you know, it's possibly possibly going abroad. You're not going to know anybody. What's an exceptional thing for a gentleman to wear on the beach, Celia A.V.? And his, the thing is that I think that it's, the beach is like a no man's land, really, because you, I feel like you can have your tits out you can have a bulge come out and no one can say anything so I think that I generally would think that it'd be fine for a man to have like I'll go even as far as like the Borat the man can hear that yeah I think that the beach is international waters for what you wear.

What is close to international waters? Yeah, exactly. But yeah, the only thing I'd say about the Borat-style mankini is the only thing I feel. Well, the only thing, the only reason I don't think the road where it is I feel like If you were if you went into the water, I think it would have a dredging effect, you know Like I feel like you would I feel that you would hop out of the water and you'd have quite a lot of little sprouts Joining you in your Gusset never ideal. That's a sprain, we've all had my gonna do. Never.

Talking of which, did I tell you about the mouse the other day in the, in the house? Did you guess it? I've got an idea. Straight away imagining a mouse wearing a man-kini. Well, we've got a nice problem at the moment in our house. And yeah, it happens every now and then. Obviously, we've got a garden that backs on to railway lines. It's easy.

And also, the mouse man came around the house and he said, look, all a mouse needs is a gram of food to survive a day. That's all one mouse needs is a gram of food. So if you've got that on your floor, it can survive just on what you're sort of dropping on the floor. And obviously I've got two little kids. We've got more, you know, we've got,

honestly, it's like, it's probably like, there's lakes of co-op, I'll see you eight. I'm a sloppy young. And I'm passing on. Yeah, I've got two kids. I keep leaving birthday cakes on the floor. I should also say I've got a big mouse infestation in my moustache as well.

I think that's where it started. I've got at least poised in my nostrils. But yes, so the mouse bank came around. Today we had, today I was opening up the buggy to put my little daughter in to take her to nursery. There was a mouse in the buggy. I actually threw the buggy across the garden. It was out in the garden, I was opening it up, and it was like, there's a mouse in there. The mouse goes scurry.

But the worst was, because obviously our little cat Cosmo really wants to take out the mice. So if we do see him scurry in across the carpet, that's the whole morning, set the attainment for Cosmo, batting the mouse around sort of slowly slowly trying to try and murder it. And the other day I was getting my daughter dressed in in the front room and I was pulling up her pants and a mouse ran across and like stopped in her pants and I like and I was pulling up the pants. The mouse was just like in the pants, like a hammock,

and I had to, like obviously, it didn't make any contact with any part of a body, but I had to immediately like, then just, like, let go of the pants and pick up my daughter and just like, lift her up, just like, no! Because, oh man, that's a fight. That's my turn of the move. You need to move house?

No, no, no, the mice are not going to win. We're gonna get them all out. They're all it is, is that people down, like people next door are having work done. Every time someone has work done, they just go, we can't, we can't live here anymore. We go next door again. So that's what's going on.

So, but then, but a mouse in the gusset, oh, the man. Really bad. Nobody wants that. Oh, my God. The mouse was wearing pants. Although, actually, that's what you want to take away from the story, yeah. And do you think it's appropriate for a mouse to waste

feeders on a beach? The little bulge at the front, the tail at the back. And how smokeless. The little bulge at the front, they're telling at the back. My house smugglers. I once moved out of a house because I saw a mouse. Oh, really? He moved out. It was in Birmingham and I was really hungry

and I saw a mouse scurrying across the floor and I called my landlord and I'd never seen one before. And he said, he was a terrible landlord. So he said, yeah, just get rid of it yourself like get a knife or something and I was like yeah so I was like what I can't do that but I still grabbed the knife but not too like I'd like it felt wrong to just walk around with a knife nothing happened but I was like I'm with a knife, nothing happened, but I was like, it's mad that he said grab a knife and just try to keep it. Yeah, because I also think, you know, at least chuck it out in the garden.

I know if you chuck it out in the garden, just come back, you know, or chuck it out in the street, they just come back into the house. But it's like the reason we use poison on vermin is because it's quite a clean crime scene. Right. Get in there. I can't believe it back on murder again. It's a weird, it's weird. It's a weird, it's weird.

It's a weird, it's weird. It's a weird, it's weird. It's weird, it's weird. It's weird, it's weird. It's weird, it's weird. It's weird, it's weird. It's weird, it's weird. It's weird, it's weird.

It's weird, it's weird. It's weird, it's weird. It's weird, it's weird. It's weird, it Yes, we should get back to the trunks. Thank you Clark, it's really important. It's really I have a tip on swimming trunks. Yes, yes, yeah Yes, if I go swimming on that day and then I'm going swimming I wear my clothes and under that I wear my swimsuit and And then under that my work clothes That is a good tip. You really do get everything done in the first like two hours a day, don't you? Yeah, just get it under that wedding dress. So what's the acceptable? I think you're right. I think when you're on the beach, get it, let it all hang out, you know? I think it's a dangerous precedent. I'd also like, you

don't want to hear your partner say that to you. No, I think that's mean. You're right. I think it's mean that it's said like, like, he day she said that. I think there's a bit of a free for all on guys and speedos in terms of people being like, don't want to see it. That's gross. But I think these lighten times, we've got to get over it. I think it's on to get over it. It's unfair. We need some sort of, we need some sort of sartorial equality here that almost every single swim costume that is designed for women is skin tight, right? Almost every single one is. Whereas men, the skin tight is frowned upon. Despite the fact that you know what, we got skin too.

I'm better be covering onto the red peel podcast by the way. We tried to enhance the men's rights issues in. But they're there. If you look from they're definitely there. I do think that like on the beach, whether you want to wear like is it a burkini? There's like all covered. Whether you want to wear like, is it a burkin? It's like, all covered. Whether you want to wear that or a speedo, I think that as long as you don't have a hard on, it's fine. And that's, I think that advice. Paul just said one final email.

By the way, I always have a hard on. And your podcast, as I'm telling everyone, New Zealand. Here's the thing, I've seen bulges in my days at the beach, I've seen them. But I can't remember a single one because I don't stare and I think that that should be the thing at the beach who don't stare at people. No, no, no. And people enjoy the freedom that the beach affords you.

Let people feel the wind on their scrotum. Is it? Because also it's where your wife married that bulge. You know, and maybe she's, maybe she wants to keep it for herself, maybe that's part of it, maybe she's like, I love the bulge at home, but I don't want everyone. You know, maybe she's worried that everyone's

gonna see your bulge and suddenly you're gonna be inundated with offers of proposal marriage. But just, you know, your wife needs to have a little bit more confidence that you're going to be inundated with offers of proposals of marriage. But you're wifing to have a little bit more confidence that you're a good guy, a loyal. Yeah, in my head, the wife is like, don't wear this, but she has her breasts out on the beach. Oh, yeah, it's a nude beach. Yeah.

That's the issue. Don't wear anything. It feels like you're more naked if you're wearing speedos and if you weren't, I think. Does that make sense? Anything that draws attention. Yeah, yeah, I think so. Yeah, we don't know what the wife's wearing. We don't, we don't, but we're all choosing to imagine Paul's wife nude.

Beef solved Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes, four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining a woman Planting her course to freedom It's non-stop bonkers brilliance I love that poor things. It's like-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Poor things. It's like theaters December 15th. Drunk, Jacket and Hyde Beef, birth from Emma. Dear puppies and guests, my housemate keeps telling me to fuck up.

When he's drunk, but never has any recollection of it, and it's very apologetic when sober. What should I do? Emma? Here is in it. Is it? I think that's an abusive housemate. I know we're going to have to make light of it, but I think that's abuse. It is. It is an abusive housemate. It's one of these situations where I mean, obviously they've sent it into a comedy podcast so this is not a cry for help. But I mean it's not great form is it? And also as well I don't think I mean who who knows really but I don't think that it I don't think it totally altars your personality. No. I don't think it altars though. I think booze can exacerbate aspects of your personality

that might lay dormant. Yeah. I think maybe that's what's going on here. And I'm not saying that is, obviously, in no way am I going, well Emma, what did you do? I'm saying like there's probably a lot going on in Emma's hands mate. That he needs to sort of deal with himself. I would say the

fact that the word keeps is a tricky one, here's a note, keeps telling me. If it was he did it once, I'll tell you a lighter version of this same thing. My friend Karen at university had a best friend who was a guy, right? And every time they'd get drunk, and you know, like, and that was like two, three times a week at university, you know, it was, it was every time they'd get drunk, he would confess his undying love for her, right? And, and then they were, but they would both play the shrad the next day where like Karen would go oh yeah he just did that thing again which he always does me to do he doesn't really mean it he's not really in love with me and he would go yeah I don't know I mean I don't remember any of it really I don't mean and you're like oh just like like Karen

just accept that he's in love with you you know yeah name of person who I won't name, just accept that you're a love with her. And also start processing the fact that if anything was going to happen, it would have happened. Yes, yes, yes. It's never going to happen. So just start dealing with it. That's it's because that's really what's what's going on. That's really what's going on in your in your in your day to day life. Here's what I would do. Like, if he has no recollection of it, I would then start telling him that he said other stuff. Like, when you were really drunk last night, you said you'd cover rent by yourself for the next six months.

And just keep putting stuff on time so that he has to admit that actually he does remember telling you to fuck off because attached to that, he did not offer to take you to a B-Fartless Ray. So like, I think that's called Gaslighting for a good cause. His name of a good podcast. It's not all negative gas lighting. Mm-hmm. Electrality.

Exactly. I think, yeah, I mean, it's a tricky one this one, isn't it? Yeah, I'd say use the lab law approach with amounts. Pick up a knife. Get to it. I don't think. Do you not park it necessarily that this is the way to handle a situation? Right, okay.

Well, we've all got our own minds. I think it's better that you just pop them in a tupperware and then just chuck them over the fence at the back of the guard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Release them into a park. Maybe you can bring friends. Yeah. Get a novelty-sized double-sided tape and then get them to stick on the tape

Put some peanut butter on the floor. Yeah, and they're stuck there Back to heading with the hammer I had a housemate like that once and then he was horrible and I think that if Emma can I think she should get out and get something else because I think it does take it's all on you, I think, to have someone that tells you to fuck off all the time. I think that's something you have had on psychology today. It's not one of those things.

You see on Instagram, there's like little moments of calm. Take a second, stop scrolling and enjoy a little moment of calm. It very rarely then tells you to fuck off afterwards, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Something about someone telling me to fuck off every day makes me feel a bit unwanted. It's a very good point. Yeah. Yeah. He seems like a bad sort. He seems like a bad sort, but sorry, I didn't mean that, but in his defense, it is me. No, no, I don't know why I suddenly came in hard with the word, but for the sake of balance, maybe Emma does need to fuck off onto

her. That wasn't what I thought. Oh my god. I'll personally eat the worst word. Did you wear it? Not the word. I could have picked my words. But still, I did have another point I was going to make, but I've made it gone now. I feel like you're both embracing the men's... Okay, this is it. We're Red Pill the whole way. I would say, you know, like, he never has any recollection is very apologetic. I feel like you do need to tell him that apologies aren't cut in it.

No, they're not. I feel like that's, it's quite crucial that you don't let him off the hook too easily. And you have got to say, look, this isn't on, you know. And if it happens again, that's it. It's just, you know, you, I also, I don't know Emma's living situation why should you be the one who has to get out yeah I think it's like he should fuck off he should fuck off yeah actually why don't you take all of this stuff out and then when he's drunk like take all of this stuff out and then put them in a house that he's never lived in before and then then when he wakes up, he's like, where am I?

And you'll be like, oh, do you remember last night when you were drunk, you moved out? I like your version is, takes a lot from Rol Dahl's The Twits, doesn't it? Yeah, it's like, you should glue all the, glue all his furniture to the ceiling, shave a little bit off his walking stick, all of that kind of stuff, yeah.

I take most of my advice from that. I think words to live by. Right, yeah, but ultimately, yeah, yeah, stay safe. But he sounds like a great dude. He's not getting in touch. But seriously, fuck off. Yeah. Butth's solved. I feel like we did a good thing today, guys. Yeah, I feel like we did. Totally. Yeah.

Shall we do another good thing? Yeah. But trying to solve John's beef, Ben, you've got that, haven't you? I do have John's beef right here. This is an office beef from John. It's a free-range beef. It's a free-range. We're out in the wild, and we love it. Ta ta. Beef, ta ta ta ta ta. Dear puppies and guests of the week. I was. That is. It's the ERABAY.

I work in a very small, very quiet office. To give you some idea of the environment, when somebody's belly rumbles in the room, I can tell who's it was, such as the lack of background noise. That's a hell of a skill though. You've got to admit, right? The idea of it. Because you're not looking at the person right? You're recognizing people from their gastric gargling noises. That's amazing. I don't think if I heard a bunch like if you recorded

the belly rumbling because of every person who lives in my house, my kids, the cat and my wife, my house, my kids, the cat and my wife, and then play. And the mouse and my, and the 37 mice and me. If you recorded those, those garglings, right, I don't think I could recognize them, even if I knew that, you know, I even have any of the shortlist. Imagine if you took all the garglings and put them in the piano form, you could make beautiful music. That's a good idea. Yeah. That would be, I mean, it feels like if that's not the rest of the

beach, you could sort of split it. Yeah. Well, the twist is he works on his own. No, so this being the case, we all have to do our best to rub along nicely and not piss each other off. Mostly, this isn't a problem, but we have one major sticking point. One of my colleagues is a massive fucking drag. She doesn't appear to have one ounce of enthusiasm for her work life, home life, friends, boyfriend, family, cats, anything, and it's impossible to take some days. She's even winge to us before about how an ex-boyfriend shouted at her

once, you're so negative all the time, I just can't take it anymore. So it's not just us, it's clearly a persistent problem in her life. She's like a psychic vampire. My question is, how do we bring this up, stroke, resolve this without sounding like we happen to go. Thanks for all your sage advice in the past. John and team. So you're working with a bomber basically. Yeah, someone who's a total bummeroonie, yeah. It's a tricky one, innit? It is a tricky one because, you know. I've read it before, I read it out. First time, like, first time I thought differently of it,

but the second time I'm like, well, maybe she's just not in a very good place. Yeah, I think I've definitely been a bummer really before. And I think like, and like, how did that manifest itself? What, what kind of stuff are you doing? Oh, I, I was just kind of like, um, and I guess there, I can't be, I've never been able to be quite't be quite cynical and bummer light. So I think it's like, it's with, it depends on the relationship that you have with her because it definitely helped and helps having to have someone in your life that's like, hey, are you okay?

And maybe you need to stop listening to Mac Miller on repeat. Maybe because I think sometimes when you're in that place, you don't realize that you're so sad because you listen to sad music and consume sad things all the time. Yeah. So I think that maybe here's my solution for the office. If there's silence and you can hear people gargling and as a sad woman, play some happy music for a bit. Yeah. Like, play some fun things, maybe a live podcast, maybe not this episode.

No, this would be a bad one, I think. Yeah. And I think if you're close to her, just check in on her, but also, but don't do it in a confrontational way, just be like, hey, hey, mama, what's wrong? Do you want to go for a drink and be very light and happy? And I think that helps. Yeah, and you can say, just call your mum.

Yeah. Mum, I did have to go back to that because I feel like that's, would that make someone less negative? Can I try it? Are you feeling negative to them, Matthew? We could try it. I'll put myself in a negative mindset for the sake of the thought experiment. Okay. Trying to think, you know, it's a, oh, bloody, it's a tough old world living his

net, you know, cost of living crisis and all this. Oh, hey, Celia, how's it going? Hey, mama. Oh, you know what? I did get a little tingle. I got a little tingle. I certainly got a few little mouse paws in my gusset. It certainly made me a... Can I tell you something awful about me that I've

started doing? Go on. Yes, please. I've been rewatching Mad Men and it changes the way I speak to women because it comes out of me I'm quitting everyone princess and Dolan Also been chain smoking yeah, it's mad. I was on the phone to a recruiter the other day and I called a princess and I was like that's not okay Okay, then I've just done that Because you can't say anything these days and that's what we're here to talk about It's so true. Thank you very much very much for coming on the Red Pill podcast. So what about treat this like a game, okay? Treat this like a game and go, okay,

today I'm gonna get a to mode about something that everybody likes, right? You know, like so. Yeah. So if you're like, fair enough, she's moaning about work and, you know, home life and all that kind of stuff and her family, fine, I think everyone can kind of work out why people would moan about those sort of things. But if you're going to go like, okay, your challenge is go over and chat to her about Toffee

Apples. See what pieces are off about them. Yeah. I feel like that could be, if you can't stop her from being negative, just try and like e-count the most fun bits of negativity out of her. Yeah, and also like, there's a thing about it where like, what if the only place where she feels safe is the office? Exactly. Yeah, that's a good point. And everyone hates her, but like, she's like,

I hate my life, I hate my cat. I'm so glad I have my friends in the office. LAUGHTER I hate my cat. I'm so glad I have my friends in some good guys in this world. But also there's a figure of like with hair like if you can get her to rant about Toffee Apples record that because that's going to make a really good like stand up bit for the right comedian. Yeah, absolutely. This is it, John. You may have found your new career. Record everything she says. Take it down up the creek. Go and do something special on the weekend. Get her on this podcast. We've had too much sympathy lately. We've had too much sympathy.

Let's have a little bit of genuine negativity. Actually'll actually bring that, don't worry about that. Yeah, yeah, we got plenty. Well John, I hope that solved your problem. Even if it didn't, here's the jingle, beef solves. Beef from the zoning I can beef! Beef solved. So, sell yet. Yes, you've got a beef that you would like us to men's rights activists with no evidence whatsoever to solve for you a very sorted 27-year-old comedian.

I think you're going to hate this actually. Okay, I can't wait. So I lived in many terrible houses, Matthew. I lived in many, many terrible houses. My most recent house, except for this one, I livedyshries, which made me sick for a long time. Oh, no. So I was like, I was very sick. I lived in a small room, um, with, uh, a couple housemates that I didn't particularly like living with, um, and I don't want to talk about any of it. What I want to talk about is my new land lady. It's too goddamn lovely. Oh, no. Oh, actually paint the walls any kind of you like.

Yeah, she's too empathetic. It's ruining my standup. I don't have anything to talk about. I don't. We work the same way. Like we, I think I do in my house is a, I put myself a glass of water, then I drink four sips of it, then I put it down, and then I get thirsty again, so I go get another glass of water, and then I just kind of like living in the film signs. Yeah, I just keep hand-stolen gratifying myself in the house with glasses of water, but just living them everywhere I've been. And I've lived in many houses

where people thought that was a problem. She does the same, it's too nice. Does that not mean you're constantly picking up a glass of water and going, oh no, not only is this a glass of water three days old, it's also somebody else's three-doud water. Yeah, I mean, I'll be honest, yesterday I've dropped two glasses of water on the floor

and that's like, that was the beginning of it. It was... No, it's um... Yeah, she's too lovely. We have a cleaning rota that suits my schedule. The rent is good. It's well-located. There's a simple solution to this, and I think it's been staring us right in the face. What exactly? What you need to do is you need to get yourself a couple more

cancer Guinness down your throat and tell her to fuck off. And then the next morning just go listen I've got no memory of that. And then suddenly she'll be like oh yeah maybe Celia isn't this wonderful person who is really similar to me and loads of different ways and I love being her landlady. Yeah Yeah, there's that also she loves you know what we're very free in the house. I let her wear speedos whatever she wants She's wearing speedos you've got your tits out sometimes is just me and her on the couch surrounded by glasses of water both wearing speedos So round the back, glasses of water, both were in speeders. It does sound sort of perfect. Yeah, it's ruining my stand up because I'm like,

it's made my stand up too lovely. And I'm just too happy in my day to day. I mean, today I've been a bore because I'm too happy. It's just been, you know, I was going to say actually, yeah. I have an idea. Yeah, gone. I need to air BNB MS House. And this is what you have an idea. Yeah go on. I need to air the NB Emma's house.

Emma is what you need to do. Yeah. You swap out you know what we'll get in touch with Emma. We'll we'll you can swap details. Yeah. Emma can go to yours for a little bit just for a bit of hour and hour a bit of respite. Mm-hmm. You can go and be told to fuck off yourself. And then I'll immediately write a new hour. The second I get told to fuck off, I'll just... Yeah, that's it. Yeah. You can't be on your muse.

Yeah. And then I'll... And then I'll be so angry, and I'll have so much anger inside of me that I'll produce really good work, and then they can play that to cheer up the woman in the office. It's all fit to be honest. It's all fit together. Yes. It's all fit together.

You know what you've actually, I think, you've come up with a brilliant idea. And this is what we should be marketing here for the untaughtured artists, because so many artists these days, especially in comedy, are sweet, nice, middle-class people who've never suffered a day in their life.

And as a result, we're not getting the edgy comedy, that, you know, the, you know, the, the, you know, the alternative comedy boom of the 1980s came about because of, you know, because of personal dissatisfaction with the way people are just too damn cosy and content. We need a hotline where you can call, you know, you can call up and be told to go fuck yourself. That is exactly what you need. That's exactly why I chose to, from a very young age, I was like, I want to make sure

my parents get divorced and we have money issues. Straight away, age five, I was like, this is going to be some investment. Absolutely right. In the right to creak spots. In the right to creak spots. In the right to creak spots. I know a lot of people tell you, I'm sure your parents said you didn't cause their divorce, but you did and you were right. In the right future, I have to create a response. Right to create a response divorce. I know a lot of people tell you, I'm sure your parents said you didn't cause their divorce, but you did and you were right too.

Yeah, I was drunk and I have no recollection of it. That version of the parent trap I would love to. Celia, AB, thank you so much for coming on the pod. Thank you for having me. Thank you for having me, Ron the pod. It's been a terrible time having you on. Oh, it's been a real pleasure having you on. So where can people find you? What have you got coming up? What's going on?

I'm gonna give you an exclusive. A exclusive now at all. It's exclusive. So I'm on Twitter and Instagram, blah, blah, blah, AB Celia. I'm going to be at the fringe this year. I haven't, no, no one knows it. Yeah, the show is called second radio. Great. And it is really fun. I've really enjoyed it. And it's directed by Mike Wozniak. Oh Oh fantastic. And it's it's a bit of fun and I'll announce where and when it is next month but I'm really excited about it. And I think that Papi's audience, the wacky guys,

with the, I think they're quite like with where the stuff and it is right up that street. Great sounds amazing. Great. That sounds amazing. Fantastic. Oh well, fantastic. Good luck with it. Good luck up at the frame. Thank you.

Are you doing MacFest or any of those things in the internet? Yes. So you're doing MacFest. I can't wait for that. That's where we first had you on the on Flaxiae slam down. Was it MacFest?

When I was drunk. It was a good steel drunk from the night before, yeah. It's nice to meet you hung over now, because I've never seen a drunk, so it's great to see what you like. It's good to see you don't meet. It's fair, it's good to meet you. Yeah.

But yeah, I'm going to Mac, I'm very excited. I hear those going. We're not this year unfortunately. No, no, it's a real shame. We'd love to be there. It was too fun last year. We took too much fun. We have to have fun valves, lay fall over.

Yeah, yeah. Little our fun. Yeah. I'm going to be at Mac. I'm also going to be doing working progress is everywhere, but in New show. I'm also going to be doing working progress everywhere for the new show and London where I live The next one is an angel. Oh no, it's at the Pleasant's isn't on the 20th and I hope people go Well go along fast. If you can do check that out

It's great to see a show in preview. It's, always so much fun. It is. It really is. It's so much fun. You know what, as well. I do like a show, especially in joy seeing in preview, going and seeing it again up at the fringe and going, oh, that bit's now, that bit's now, what that's out or what that was in there,

or whatever happened to, you know, my favorite thing, anyone who's ever seen a show of mine in preview comes up to me and will always go, what happened to, you know, my favorite thing, that anyone who's ever seen a show of mine in preview comes up to me and will always go, what happened to that beer? And you go, oh, were you at that show? Because that's the only time that's ever worked. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was the, you know, and off it would be like, did you see it at Mac Fest? Yeah, none of that material worked. They just told me nice audience. It's also like, well, I love about it is the, like, it's hard to know, with comedy, there's no exact science to it in terms of like, where you should be with a show at what time. So I really like seeing other people's previews as well to be like, oh, I need to hurry up or actually I can chill out with like, how much I've got.

So it's nice to, even if you are taking a show to go and see working purposes as well. And inspired. Yeah. You want to see someone have an absolute stinker just to make yourself feel but good about it. So you know, you share a preview of someone and they have an absolute shocker. Oh, it's not a bad feeling. Yeah. And I know, because I've given that feeling to a lot of people, given that feeling to many, many comedians. Thank you for your service, Matthew Crossbeam given that feeling to many, many comedians. Thank you for your service, Matthew Crosby. Yeah, my pleasure, my absolute pleasure.

And Celia, thanks for coming on the pod. See you very soon. Thank you for having me, boys. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Be from the sorting, I can be! So, there we have it.

Another fine episode. That was a lovely, yep. That was a gorgeous ep with Celia, baby. If you enjoyed Celia and you want to hear more then get along to the Patreon, patreon.com forward slash Pappy's FlakShare to get a whole bonus beef that's not in the main feed, a whole bonus beef that you can enjoy with Celia. What a treat. Get yourself there straight away. For just four quid a month, you can get a bonus beef for every beef brother's episode, you get a new episode every single week of Papi's Fatshare Pop round

you get all our old episodes, you get it all immediately, the second you subscribe, you get them all. And then even if you even if you unsubscribe, as long as you've downloaded all the episodes, you get to keep them. Yeah, but also don't unsubscribe. Don't unsubscribe, but you can if you want to. You know, I feel like if you subscribe, even just for a month, you'll be so impressed with the quality of the output you'll want to stick around for the rest of the year. I guarantee. I know I did. Clarky, you're there almost every episode saying hello, aren't you? Yeah, I'm here. You get my hello quite, are you?

A couple of messages, a couple of messages in from listeners. Now this one made me laugh because it's from our friend Billy and it was titles Matthew's Last of Us Gaff from Billy. Oh, made a gaff about the Last of Us, the uh, the Gritty reboot of the computer game. Hey, at this point, I hope someone has said to Good Old Crossbow that the Last of Us, the TV series, is an accurate representation of an already gritty, a narrative-driven video game. Mobile banking the series would not be adapted so easily. To compare the two is like suggesting making a film with the Lord of the Rings books is the same as making a film based on the dictionary Love to you all but come on mate

Love you all but come on mate cheers everyone by Billy Billy now you You are absolutely right. Yeah, you've Now I as I said when I when I recorded that episode I have watched half an episode of The Last of Us. I found it too upsetting so I stopped watching it because I've got enough stress and anxiety in my life already. But yes, you're right. Making the HSBC banking app into a TV show would be quite different. I said it as a joke. No, no, what clocky ticket series. Mate, I've been working on the pitch. But that's another month's down the drain. Listen, Billy, if you're interested, this idea about making a film based on the dictionary, I'm in. I think this is a good idea because the great thing is you know,

like, they never knew Bond was going to run for that many parts, but you know the dictionary is going to run for at least 26 parts, right? You start off with just the A's and you work your way through. It's a franchise. It's got world cinematic universe. Exactly. At every year, they're adding new worlds, right? I think this is it. If you're willing to get on board, Billy, I think we could, you know, the four of us, puppies and Billy, we can make our millions.

I'm out, but you can't. You can't. I can't. Anyway, thank you very much for, thank you for getting in touch. One more message here from Tom. Now last, a few episodes ago, I read out a message that was from Tom and I also written it was from Ben. When I was typing it out for some reason, I wrote it was from Tom and I was like, oh,

but it turns out it was from Tom. Hi, Papi's and producer Emma. I was the Tom who's not beefy, read out at the end of Tuesday's Beef Brothers with the wonderful Poppy Hillstead. I enjoyed the Tom beef name confusion, particularly because a few years ago my friend's new girlfriend called me Ben for about a month. And I just started answering to it. This was partly because I didn't think she'd be around very long so it wouldn't matter, and partly because I couldn't be asked correcting her. About five years later, we're still friends, and she brings out regularly and asks why I

didn't say anything. Thanks for all the laughs. Love you by Tom, bracket's Ben. What I want to know though, Tom Ben, is how did it come to a head? How did you find out? Yeah, what was the moment? How did she find out that she was like, because presumably she heard you being called the name Tom and went, so why are you calling him Tom? His name's Ben. And everyone's going, no, he's not called Ben.

I'd love it. So Tom, Ben, please do get back in touch Tom Ben. We'd love to know how that story played out. And again, if anyone's got any stories about people calling them the wrong names, send them along, papysflatshowatgmail.com. And if you've got any beef, beefbrotherspodcastatgmail.com, or get in touch with us via Twitter or through our Patreon, if it gets to us via Instagram, whatever, it's got a chance of making it onto the episode. Anything else we need to add at the end of this app? I don't think so, I've come in shows. Yeah, they're all sold out, man, and the other ones aren't on sale yet. So yeah, we can't wait to see you at the end. Keep your eyes out. Keep your eyes out.

Keep your eyes out, guys. Oh my God, I'm spattered all over the pop show there. Keep your eyes out. You know what, Tom's going to come back and he's going to be like, why have we got two new catchphrases? Greetings, this is Dias Gond, we've been replaced with Paulson and Hello, and then cheers everyone by, it's been replaced with Keep Your Eyes Out, covered by Mike Skinner. Right, let's wrap it up folks. This episode was always produced by Emma

Corsham. Corsham team. Keep your eyes out. Hello. Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman planting her course to free to act in love for. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Poor things. It's like theaters, December 15.