Pappy's Flatshare - Beef Brothers Cold Cuts w/ Chloe Radcliffe S14E25

Episode Date: July 15, 2024

The Beef Brothers are here to solve your beefs with special guest Chloe RadcliffeChloe's website - https://www.chloeradcliffe.com/Chloe's Edinburgh Fringe tickets - https://www.pleasance.co.uk/event/chloe-radcliffe-proud-raccoonPappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetPappy's Insta - https://www.instagram.com/pappyscomedy/Support us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareFind tickets to all our live shows here - pappyscomedy.com/liveEdited by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Greetings listener dear, I am Matthew and I am Ben and Tom is on assignment, but he will be back hopefully next week, but we have a fantastic well, I mean, I don't know, you know, this is the thing. I operate our relationship with Tom operates on a day by day basis. That's it. Come on, get it, get it all out. I assume we'll see him next week, but hey, your guess is as good as mine. But yeah, he's not here for this one, which is a real shame because we've got an amazing guest.

We've got the brilliant stand-up comedian Chloe Radcliffe. If you've not seen Chloe before, I genuinely really, really recommend going on her Instagram and watching some clips of her stand up. She's, she's super, super, super funny. I've been following her for a couple of years on the socials. Before our dear friend, Stuart laws, who gets mentioned, I would say the reason I mentioned this is because he gets mentioned so much in this podcast. It's it's worth, you know, explaining. Yeah, I different Stuart laws said, Oh, I'm, I've got a new partner, it's Chloe Radcliffe.

And I was like, oh my God, she's brilliant. And obviously these people are not defined by their relationships, neither Stuart nor Chloe, but Chloe absolutely goes to town on Stuart during this episode. It's really fair. And then also on Listener Dear as well. Oh yeah.

Listener Dear gets an absolute pounding this episode. So I really hope you're not too offended guys. Every so often we do get ourselves a guest who takes an instant dislike. Whether it's an instant dislike to us and then project onto the listener, I don't know. That would make a lot of sense. That's true actually.

There has been a lot of projecting this episode. There's been a lot of projecting, yeah. But yeah, so if you've sent in a message and yours gets read out here, listen, we do love you. We do love you. Clark, you're wonderful. You're all great people. If you would like to send us a message, send us a beef,

then do get in touch. Beefbrotherspodcast at gmail.com. Beefbrotherspodcast at gmail.com. And you can be insulted by a fantastic stand-up comedian and guest as our listeners did today. Yes. Right. Also, there's a Patreon. And if you did enjoy today's episode, there is a bonus beef from this episode going out on the Patreon. So please do sign up, it's a great time to do it.

It's a great time to do it. Yeah, a whole extra beef, all about quails. It was a good one. It was a, it's a strong beef, all about quails going up on the Patreon. So it's patreon.com forward slash pappies flat share but let's not mess around anymore let's get straight into it this is the absolutely brilliant chloe radcliffe here on beef brothers cold cuts well if you've got a problem don't call

it a problem if you've got a problem call it a beef if you've got a beef maybe we can help you Hello Chloe, how are you doing? Hello, I'm very good. How are you? Thank you for having me. Oh, it's a total pleasure. Thanks so much for coming on the show. So first of all, what's your living setup? Because we've been exchanging text messages in order to get you on the show.

Yes. Sometimes you're in New York, sometimes you're in LA. Wow. Sometimes I'm in the Mall of Contire're in LA. Wow. Sometimes I'm in the Mull of Kintyre. Are you in the, you've been to the Mull? I was there for Alex Keely's wedding like two weeks ago. So you're an international jet setter. Yeah. I'm so sleepy. When you think of the Mull of Kintyre, what do you think of? A penis. That's exactly, yes, exactly. That's exactly what I think of as well. It used to be the legal.

Exactly. Yeah, go on, go on. You can, you can tell this. The only reason that it reminds me of a penis is because I have been so educated on the rule of Moll of Kintyre, the Moll of Kintyre rule. What? What is this? This is great. This is going to blow your mind, Clarky. But I think of this, apart, I think of the Paul McCartney song first, but, but, but I don't really think of that. What I think of is this. Yeah. Yes. I don't know that it will blow your mind because the penis needs to be hard to

really blow your mind. But the rule of the Maleficent Tyre is that on British public television, you can show a penis that is no more erect than the angle of erection of the Moll of Kintyre. Is that, am I reporting that correctly? Yeah, that's basically, I remember it from a documentary and documentaries in heavy inverted commas there. I got a great YouTube video for you to watch. Yeah, it was very much like that. But there was a documentary about Playgirl magazine that I watched. And one of the things they had to constantly be looking at the, you know, the men's dongs to check they weren't going any higher up than the Mull of Kintyre.

Well, I can tell you what, this whole conversation has given me an absolute John O'Groats. We can't show it on TV. Lucky it's an audio podcast, honestly. Alex Kinney would not have his wedding there. We can't go lucky. Lucky it's an audio podcast. Honestly, Alex Kinney would not have his wedding there. Go back to the to the Playgirl thing. Are you saying in Playgirl, they weren't allowed to have hard dicks? Yeah, in Playgirl magazine, they were they were not allowed to have boners. We can see full bush from a woman,

but we can't see a hard penis in Playgirl magazine. Yeah, apparently, apparently so. Yeah, you couldn't have a sex penis in Playgirl magazine? Yeah, apparently so. Yeah, you couldn't have a- Sexism in action. Yeah. Yeah, I guess that. I mean, I think there's a lot of sexism going on if you compare Playboy and Playgirl, but yeah, that was the rule.

I've never been more mad. I'm so sorry. Well, if it's, I tell you what, if it's any consolation, I think the pendulum, no pun intended, has swung back the other way. Because if you want to see an erect penis- Yes, because it's soft.

That's the only way it can swing. If you want to see an erect penis now, they're readily accessible all over the worldwide web. Yes. Yeah, get out of here. I just did a very funny act out. That would have been much funnier if my British boyfriend was here to see it and be mad at it, but he's not.

He will never know that this happened. And if you listen to just the audio, you have no idea what I did. I just did. So anyway, what a fun little bit. The shocking thing to me is that British television gets to show penises at all. We Americans are puritanical about dicks. We cannot look at a penis. We

are a gog. Yeah, I don't understand that because especially a sort of flaccid dick, it's not doing much, is it? No, it's doing harm, perhaps. Rusing you. Yeah, absolutely. But not in a good way. No. Was it NYPD Blue when like Dennis Franz showed his butt and basically America crumbled?

We can't process male nudity. Male nudity is funny other than the genitals. Yeah. But the genitals must be covered. And if we are seeing genitals, we... I can't tell whether it's objectification or like worship that, you know, makes me... My poor, my poor sweet boyfriend. What a... He's going to hate this. This is very much the podcast that boyfriends hate. Which feels like a sort of updated Julie Cooper novel.

But anyway, yes, welcome to the show. It normally takes a bit longer to get on to talking about hard penises, but you know. We can put a bumper in at the front if you want. I'm acting a trigger warning, yeah. You know you get the little E at the start of a podcast if we're explicit. It should be E brackets. H P. Well, HP, let's go HP because H, HD suggests real resolution. Doesn't it?

I did. Yeah. Hi. Hi, deaf. This is more high Dix. This is higher than the mall. Hi Dix and hi Jinkx. Um, anyway, welcome.

Welcome to the show. So as I was saying, you live and exist all over the place. But what's your typical living arrangement? Are you in New York City? My desired living arrangement, if I can be where I want to be, is yes, I live in New York. I say Brooklyn, it's not even worth explaining. Well, I guess that's kind of what the podcast is about. I live just over the border into Queens, but I live in the part of Queens that is functionally still Brooklyn. So it's easier to just say I live in Brooklyn.

None of this matters to anybody. It doesn't matter, but it all sounds very cool. It's incredibly cool. We are very cool. As soon as you start talking about Brooklyn and Queens, it's like, oh, yes, please. Yes, yes. So Brooklyn is the is the bit that is kind of like when I think of Brooklyn, I think of the angle of the piece.

Obviously, every every geographical location, I think of the angle. Yes. Brooklyn is sort of the chode of the US. Like a tuna can, you know. Yeah, it's but it's where it's where all the artists moved in, sort of like, it was like quite a rough area then the artists moved in and kind of gentrified it and is that fair to say? I think that the gentrification sort of skipped artists. There are, I mean, there are very artsy neighborhoods, but like Brooklyn kind of went from largely like residential people of color, black, Puerto Rican, whatever,

Hispanic and whatever. And then it was just sort of a big swath of white millennials just tidal wave to all of Brooklyn. The Lower East Side was very artistic for a long time. You know, there were a lot of genuinely artistic neighborhoods. And I think Brooklyn is just kind of like, you know, white people being like, can we live here too? It's ours now.

But, you know, look, and I say that I'm selling out my own very artistic friends, all of whom live in Brooklyn. We all live here, but yeah, we took it. It's ours now. Well, I mean, you know, as old as time has queens been taken over as well. Are you sort of are you like the first front of the sort of gentrification of queens? This neighborhood is is becoming very, very hip. Yes. But which is I'm benefiting from. I mean, that's great.

You know, what a coffee shop on the corner. But put a bar across the street for me. I can't go to the bar across the street for me. I can't go to the bar across the street for me because I my poor poor boyfriend Stuart skip ahead by about two minutes. Should we just put a warning at the start Stuart? Don't listen to any of this. I just checked Chloe. Are you in? So you know, is he a is he a like a mean, jealous, rageful boyfriend?

Is that what you're trying to tell us? Is this a cry for help? Yes. Yes. Your loss is a problematic individual. I knew it. It needs to be cancelled. It should be removed from the London scene.

Yeah. Yeah. I've known it for years. It's just great to get confirmation. Oh, you can. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've known it for years. It's just great to get confirmation. Oh, yeah, you can sort of tell predator energy, you know, is palpable even on their good at hiding, you know, Scott Rudin got away with it for years,

but then through one stapler and, you know, we're just waiting for Stuart to push one of us out of a car. This is the smoking stapler. This is what we were looking for. Because, you know, there's only so far you can go on a hunch. And finally, a little bit of concrete evidence. You're so cowed by him that you're afraid to speak out on a podcast

that I would say only about 30 people listen to. Yeah, I'm going to ask this section to be... I'm going to get nervous. I'm going to say, can we change my voice in this section and say it came from somebody else? You know, we'll change your voice. We'll take Stuart Laws' name out. We'll switch it all around, honestly. Just put my birthmark on the other side and then it won't be me.

Another incredible visual bit. Again, there's plenty to Google Image Search. The Angle of the Mulligan Tire, Chloe's face, many different things. Yes, Stuart Laws laws done bad things. You're going to get some horrifying pictures. So yeah, you're banned from the bar. Basically you've been. Oh, I have banned myself because I am in my old apartment

where I used to live. I had a hot neighbor and I went to the bar to hit and he bartended at that bar. And I don't know if he still does haven't been in a long time. and I went to the bar to hit and he bartended at that bar. And I don't know if he still does haven't been in a long time. And I went to hit on him. I made a friend go and sit at the bar to hit on him after having chatted with him on the sidewalk. Within three minutes of sitting down, I went, Oh, this guy is very young and very boring and much hotter from far away than he is up close. And I do not want to hit on this man anymore, but I have really ostentatiously sat down.

Like I have made a big show of I'm here to hit on you. There was no escaping it. And so I sat there and got very drunk and got his number and then ghosted him. But anyway, I can't go back to that bar. This is the thing with a local bar, you've got to be very careful because you want that to be your, you know, how far away is the next local bar?

About 12 feet away. You see, this is not a journey you should be taking every single day. It's not fair on you. Thank you, poor feet. Thank you. I think the other, I think the next local bar is actually closer to me than the one that I've never been. And Stuart, that one will be ours.

That's only your line. Lovely. Crucially, there's no, no hot bartenders there. No hot from a, no hot from afar or hot from a close bar. Uggos only, soft dicks only. Uggos and soft dicks. Actually, I drink at Uggos and soft dicks. Absolutely. It's, it'll be open till 4 a.m. I mean, Uggos and soft dicks does sound

like a British breakfast plate. Yeah. Oh, you've got to have your plate of Uggos and soft dicks. You've got to have your plate of Uggos and soft dicks. By the way, I don't know why I did like a British accent like I'm not already speaking with a British accent. I put on an American's version of a British accent. But yeah, me plate of huggers and soft dicks. Are you living with other people? Do you have flatmates? Do you have roommates? Are you all on your lonesome?

I'm alone. In my last place, the storied apartment of a hot bartender neighbor hitting on, I lived there with my ex and then we broke up and he took the dog and I took the apartment. And I have tried to get bits working about how I didn't want the dog and nobody, I cannot get, everybody loves their dog so fucking much that I can't talk about how I didn't want a dog and how I was glad that he took it.

Anyway, but I was glad that he took it. He took the dog. He couldn't afford the apartment. I didn't want an animal and how I was glad that he took it. Anyway, but I was glad that he took it. He took the dog. He couldn't, he couldn't afford the apartment. I didn't want an animal. So it was a perfect split. Then my whistle was whetted about living alone and now I can't go back. So when Stuart might move to the US

and he will find a place, you know, he'll be welcome to sleep around the corner. I don't get around the sidewalk. Doesn't matter to me. You can just hang out in our guys and soft picks. Yeah, absolutely. I feel like it's I feel there's something I think there's something quite bohemian about you both of you living in separate places, you know, some somewhere in New York, you know, obviously, I think there's I quite like the idea of that. I think, yeah, if you need someone to talk Stuart into it, I'll be here.

I also quite like the idea of still having my own place. No, no, I love him and I want him here. And I can't say that straight face. No, no, no. It turns out you're the cruel one. Right. Good. Absolutely. Did you see, I have a solo show about how I've cheated in most of my relationships. Oh, it turns out you're the cruel one. Right, good. That's good to hear. Oh, absolutely. Did you see, I have a solo show about how I've cheated in most of my relationships. I don't advertise kindness. Did Stuart see that and go, well, I can change her.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He went, it's gonna be me. No, he did see the show before, before we ever started dating. And he is a delusional idiot. God, I can't believe, this is insane how mean I'm being to him. He's the best. He makes my life, the love of my life,

he makes my life better every single day. I can't say enough good things about him except, and I have to say those good things because of how he treats me. And I have some stapler reference, anyway, whatever, you get it, it comes back around to the problem. We're going to take all of that out, by the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Emma cut all of that bit. Then that's getting used. Listen, shall we solve? Because I feel like we've already started a beef between you. Well, an ongoing beef between you and Stuart. Let's try and solve somebody else's beef. Great. OK, this one comes from H. H. Okay.

It's an election, election party beef from H. By the way, I'll tell you this now. This, this beef is already, we got this beef a couple of days ago, maybe about a week ago, and it's already out of date. But there's a reason I kept it in and you'll find out. So my free range beef was with an old friend of mine. I have a job interview soon at the other end of the country. I want to stay over the night before to be my most charming and sparkling self. So I contacted my friend to ask if they could put me up. They said, unfortunately, they were not around that evening. Otherwise, it would have been great to have me stay. Fair enough, I thought. I'll just have to pay for a Lenny Henry special. That for our American guests, that is a British comedian who advertises

Premier Inns. They're like a sort of like small little hotels, budget hotels. I asked if they were on holiday and found out. Okay, very pushy. Why can't you let me stay with you? I asked if they're away on holiday and I found out they were going to an election party. I had not twigged that the election would be the night before, but wouldn't have minded going to an election party, especially if we might be able to catch up. I messaged that the interview is in the afternoon and I'll probably be staying up anyway.

A pretty clear hint that I would be up for the party. There has been radio silence on the topic ever since, but we have exchanged messages on other topics. I'm a bit miffed as in the reverse situation I would happily have put them up and taken them along to a party without a second thought. Should I? Outright say I'll be up for going to the party. Try and catch up with them the day after, crash the party, go to another election party, something else. Please dispense your beefy wisdom. Right. Now this, we've had our election. Our election was, was a week ago recording this, but they then go on and this is where I think it becomes interesting because I don't think this is

a problem that's going to go away after the elections over. Right. I'm already on the person who didn't who uninvited them side. This person sounds incredibly annoying. Well stick around because plot twist additional information and there's loads of it. Okay yeah sure was I right? I wasn't wrong. Additional information I am much more lefty than them or their partner. We have been friends for over 25 years. We try to catch up regularly and work in the same field. So it isn't like we haven't seen or talked to each other in a while.

I host my friend and others from that group at least once a year at my house. Here we go. We were each other's first proper boyfriend slash girlfriend. My friend spontaneously said that they still had a thing for me at my wedding. What? Yes, I know. This is why I've brought, I've kept it here. Otherwise, I would have left this out. They are now with a partner and I'm happily married with kids. I don't know anyone else in that area to stay with.

Cheers everyone by H, no names only. This person is the problem with left wing versus right wing. The problem is that right wing is evil policies, but usually cooler as people. And the left wing is better policies, but the most annoying people and the left wing is better policies, but the most annoying people I've ever spoken to.

I reject this premise. This person, I want to be like, why are you fucking trying to stay? Just get a hotel. What are we talking about? You have, you're an adult, you have kids. I'm sure you have enough money to spend money on one hotel night. Also, if your whole fucking intention is to be fresh faced, bright eyed and bushy tailed for the interview, then don't stay up for an election party. It's bullshit. I'm calling it now. This person is annoying. Well, I think there's even like, you know, obviously they're all our listeners and we

love them very dearly and please. Yes, yes, yes. I don't have to. I know you guys have to love them. We've got slightly more skin in this game. We all know H is due laws. He does. So many women want to fuck him.

I am swatting them off that this sounds like I'm now doing a bit. I'm actually not. I'm sort of elbowing them away from him. Anyway, keep going. So here we go. Here's the thing. off that this sounds like I'm now doing a bit I'm actually not I'm sort of elbowing them away from him anyway. So here we go. Here's the thing I'm I'm in a similar situation kind of on paper I am telling you that they're into your wedding. Of course.

It was a really tough day for me. Sorry about that mate. But listen, it's all right. So I'm married. I have two children. If I had to travel across the country and I said to my wife, oh, by the way, I'm going to stay at blah blah blah's house. And they go, oh, blah blah blah, who is your first girlfriend?

Yeah, that blah blah blah. Blah blah blah who confessed they were still in love with you on our wedding day. Yeah, that blah blah blah. I think justifiably, my wife would have a small problem with that, right? And again, equally, I would have a problem with that. I'd have a problem if I was thinking that because I was thinking well why do I want this if they've already done something like you know pretty rash distraught yeah yeah to that to your relationship to stop like you know it's

not quite banging on the church doors graduate style but it's still pretty pretty strong meat to be telling someone on their wedding day that you still have feelings for them. Insane. I would say at that point you'd be like, well, it's been great having you at the wedding. I'm, you know, enjoy the buffet, but that's the last I'm ever going to see of you because this really is not, it's not tenable. Insane. Also, a person is allowed to say, no, I don't want you to stay with me.

Yeah. Like this person, this person being like, I, sorry, I'm really anti this person. Whoever you are. I bet I would like you if you were, if we met, I honestly don't know that I would. Anyway, you can't caveat the caveat. Well, I changed my mind, but I was trying to be nice. And then I decided to be honest. The idea that this person is, which is to some degree nicer,

the idea that this person is saying, like I host our friend group once a year. It's like, okay, sure. Well, maybe your other friend's turn hosting hasn't hit yet. Like once a year is not enough to be like, I'm entitled to stay with them. Get, you've already offered the option

of a cheap hotel room. What are we doing here? But I think I would, I'd be upset if my friend was like, oh, I would host you, but I'm doing something fun without you. And I don't think you'll be invited. The person who declined handled it badly. They shouldn't have answered with,

I'm going to an election party. I don't think, here's the thing, I'm just going back through the wording here and they said, unfortunately, they were not around that evening. Otherwise it would have been great to have me stay. And then it says, I found out they were going to an election party. So it's not necessarily that they found it out from that person. They could be asking around other people, what's going on with

so-and-so? What are they doing that night? What are they doing on Thursday night? I need to know about this. What they do when the polls close. Like that, it's not even that they said, I can't see you because I'm at a party. But by the way, I can't see you because I'm at a party is a totally legitimate thing because, you know, you live in a different part of the country, you have different friends, you have a different political allegiance to that person. You're going to have that's your party. There's no, you know, if it was the party of one of your friendship group, then that would be a problem.

But you've got, you know, you're not allowed in every single party. Otherwise, it'd be chaos in the elections. I mean, and and what you, what do the two of you make of the, so the idea that this person was investigating why they couldn't stay, what do you two make of that? I'm very happy to take, no, you can't stay with me at face value and not go digging. Ben, does it make you agree with me more that people on the left are annoying? I'm on the left. I'm saying that. Say it into the microphone. Say it on record. Go on record. What I'm going to say is I'm not saying that people on the left aren't annoying, but I've never met a cool right-wing person.

Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. You're right. I'd say none of the right-wing people aren't cool. They're oftentimes, in the US, they're like, the right wing people aren't cool. They're oftentimes They're often in the US. They're like the the right wingers are oftentimes fun, you know, they're like crazy They've got they've got guns and farms, you know Who's your favorite right winger Chloe? I've got it. I've got to know who yeah, this is good If you're probably one of you who lives up at the cabin across from mine and lives in the woods all year I would say yeah, he's got he's in the woods all year. I would say that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got the coolest militia, I'll say that much. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And if shit ever goes bad in the US, my parents and I are going to the cabin and Steve will protect us. Oh my God, he's been stockpiling cans for years. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's a prepper. Sure, he talks a bit too much about Ruby Ridge, but you know, you gotta take the rough with the smooth.

You wanna survive, don't you? Yeah, yeah. Oh my God. Yeah, yeah, sure. Sure, we do not want to get into his opinions about women or people of color, but he's got a gun and I will stand behind it. He's a powerful man.

You know? Yes. Compare Steve to Stuart Laws. And I mean, come on, guys. Yes. He's compare Steve to Stuart Laws. And I mean, come on, guys. I mean, they look Steve and Stuart Laws together. Perfect team. Weird team, but perfect. This is your dream throuple. This is what you should suggest.

Do move to New York, you're not going to live in the same place as me, but you are going to go and live with Steve who lives near my parents. I'm sorry, pronounce it in a British way, Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Is that how we say Steve?

Is that how we say Steve? No, but it is how you say Stuart. We say Stuart. Oh, Stuart. Stuart. I say Stuart. Yeah, Stuart. Yeah.

Stuart. That's right. Stuart. Yeah. So, so Steve. Steve is a good... Steve. Stuart and Steve are gonna live together. Yeah.

You know, I think actually all Stu Laws needs to do is switch out the blue gelée for a camo one and he's there. That's it. Yeah, that's true. They already have so much in common. Stuart runs a show called Preppers. He does, yeah. Stuart is basically show called Preppers. He's so, yeah.

Stuart is basically a right-wing conspiracy theorist, bunker, dweller. Yeah, he absolutely is. He's got all the stuff, but for him, it's a prop for a show. But actually, you know what? It turns out you have found your ideal man. Yeah. Yeah, I found the cool, he has the left-wing policies

that I agree with, but he has the right wing, you know, atmosphere that I desire. I think somebody needs to tell Stu though that it is still illegal to open Carrie in London. That's not that we can't have that walking around with walking around with his piece on full display, Not my look in turnstile. He can as long as it's as long as it's half cocked. Yeah. Yeah. This poor man has bought an expensive plane ticket to come and visit me and I'm just don't forget. Don't forget to follow the hashtag. Has Stu landed?

Don't forget to follow the hashtag harsh two and Chloe still together. I think this might be, you know, like, because we're recording us on a Thursday, this is going to go out in about five days time that you know, who knows what's going to happen. We'll write into the podcast and see. It turns out they've got separate apartments and separate relationships. Very separate lives. The apartments are on different continents. He doesn't even get a dog. So yeah, this is so well. Have we solved the beef? Well, I feel like we have to say this person, your former girlfriend,

who may or may not still be infatuated with you, has certainly has confessed that at some point, they owe you nothing, right? They owe you absolutely nothing. And equally, you shouldn't be so eager to, you know, I think you shouldn't be so eager to sort of chase them down, even when they've sort of intimated. Like, I don't like I'm not a big party lover myself, but a party where you know you're you've sort of pressed, you know, you sort of forced your way in. That's like, that's the worst

social occasion I can think of. Well, how else do you go to parties? What happens if you're not getting an invite? I've never had an invite in my life. I go to them all the time. Yeah, I, I mean, I am actually not opposed to it, like an oblique, can I invite myself to this party? I'm actually pretty pro that, that's the- That doesn't surprise me.

Yeah. Yeah, your initial question, when you were prepping me for this podcast was, what is it like to live with you? And do you have a sort of general sense that the answer is pretty unpleasant? Well, I know what it's like. I'm present, but we're not allowed anyway. Yeah.

I actually think you and this guy would get on really well. Yeah. Me, me calling somebody annoying is just, we, we hate in others what we most identify in ourselves. Yeah. You're just thinking, Oh, another annoying lefty. Who does that remind me of? Yeah. Yeah. The worst person in the world. Yeah. I'm looking into a mirror. But yeah, I would say the reason I bring this up is this sort of thing will happen again where you'll be miffed that they don't want to hang out with you. If someone doesn't want

to hang out with you, just accept it. Just take it. And exactly. And let's go back to the texts where they were saying, we haven't discussed this again, but we have text about other things since. It's like, yeah, that person does not want to discuss this topic with you. Excuse me. You have to let as I belt into the microphone. Anyway, you don't press the issue, take, like they are already giving a clear result. A non-answer is an answer.

Also, the fact that they don't want to discuss it with you indicates that you might be difficult to discuss it with. Like take this as a reflection opportunity. And of course, if you're taking the position of like, here's the matrix of 12 options of how I could dissect this. It's like, no shit, they don't wanna talk about it with you. They just are hoping that you, you know, take the hint and move on and you can be insulted.

You can feel bruised, that's fine. Yeah, I would say next time they're in town, go to a party and don't have them over. Yeah. And see how they like it and text them about it. By the way, this party is amazing. That would mean that H has to be invited to a party. No, it just has to invite themselves to a party. Perfect. I would say this has to has to be beef solved and I'm sorry we weren't nice to you, H. You seem like a happy person. Thank you for listening.

Well, we're down to 29 listeners now. H, come buy a ticket to my Edinburgh Fringe show. Anyway. Yes, of course. If you want to take this up with Chloe in person, she will be at the Fringe this year so you can track her down and everybody's invited to that particular party. Beef Brothers, on the zoning of your beef! Alright, hello Beef Brothers guests, it's me. My beef pertains to an upcoming flat share

with a close friend from uni, likely starting this winter. I currently live in Cardiff, Cardiff, having moved here with my ex. After our break up, I decided to rent a here for a year to figure things out. Turns out, I quite like it in the Welsh capital, with plenty of surrounding countryside to explore, and I'm starting to make close buddies. I've agreed with my uni friend that we should live together when my current flat contract ends in November. The current assumption is that we will live in Manchester, because my friend has a strange vendetta against the Welsh. However, it's grim up north. Also, I have a rather nice two bed flat here that my current flatmate is moving out of. So it would be easy for him to move in.

How can I persuade my buddy to get over himself and move to this lovely city? Cheers, everyone. Bye, Lewis. Right. Interesting. Have you been to Cardiff or Manchester? Can you say anything about these places? Neither Cardiff or Manchester? Can you say anything about these places? Neither Cardiff nor Manchester. Well, I can tell you now, they're both beautiful cities to live in.

I was gonna say I've heard great things about Manchester. Manchester's great. I mean, I think Cardiff is great. I think they're both fantastic places. I was in Cardiff last week. What were you doing in Cardiff, Clarke? I had a very strange job packing down the show,

The musical Belesque. Really? You were folding up the pants at the end of the show. I was in a warehouse unpacking all the wires. I was masquerading as a sound engineer when I wasn't. In order to see the scantily clad ladies, is that what it is? No, they were locked. They were locked. God. Can I tell you, I just remembered I am a sound engineer.

Now you tell me the name of the show. Yes. Yeah. I just remember I'm very good at pressing play. Oh, put things into boxes. Absolutely. Which box? And did you did you find any person who needed a flat share? I mean, at this point, to me, this, the answer sounds, to me, the answer sounds like stay in Cardiff and don't live with your friend. Just live with anybody else. I think there's a thing when you get to the end of any, like any sort of chunk of academia,

you do have to take stock and go, well, am I going to be the person I was for the last three years at university? Or am I going to try and reinvent myself as somebody who lives in Cardiff? You know, like at the end of school, you go into uni, you get to go like, well, the school guy is dead. No one who knows me from school is at this university. Boom, I can launch a new thing. Just accept that the promises you made during those three years, they're null and void once it's over. I don't even think this guy is university age. I think this person is an adult. I think this guy, he says a close friend from uni. I live in Cardiff having moved here with my

ex after our breakup, I'm renting a flat. I've agreed with my new friend. I think this is a full adult. I would forgive this person if it was university. I thought they were like, this is me thinking that people who are at university listen to our podcast. This is like a cool 21 year old. No, no, no. Those cool right wingers are listening to some other podcast. Ben Shapiro's podcast doing very well for those guys.

Yeah, but yeah. Oh, so's podcast doing very well for those guys. But yeah, oh, so I've got this completely wrong. This is just two mates who live in two different places and don't want to move. I know we've kind of moved away from it, but I am desperate to know Matthew, what was your university rebrand? What were you at school? What butterfly did you become at university? Can I tell you exactly what it was? Yes, please. This is genuinely true. I went from being a slightly annoying nerdy guy at school to being

slightly annoying nerdy alcoholic. I think that's the only difference was that I didn't really drink that much. And then I got to university and I was like, oh, I think I'm going to be a wino for three years. But unfortunately that was now 20 years ago and I'm really struggling to shake any part of the persona. It's all there. Nerdy drunk is so funny. Somebody just won't shut the fuck up about Bosons and Fermis or whatever and you're like, please stop talking to me, but also give me a sip of whatever you have. Bosons and Fermis, of course, another great British breakfast snack.

I was on the air base. You gotta have some Bosons and Berries on your crumpet. But yes, that was me. So no, I misread this entirely here. I thought this was somebody who was just coming out of uni and was doing that thing. You often do it when you're at university going, hey, when this is all over, guys, we're all going to live together and it's going to be so fun. We're going to love it. I ended up in a situation like that when

it wasn't, it was the end of the first year of university. My friend and his girlfriend sort of got a gang of us and were like, we're going to find a place to live in the second year of university. We were moving out of halls of residence into the town of Canterbury, the city of Canterbury. And the first meeting we had to sort of discuss what's going to happen, his girlfriend said, oh, I think what we should do is we should have one big living space that was just like, we'll just hire out like a warehouse or something and we'll just, you know, we'll have cushions. We can sleep on those, you know, where we need to sleep. And I was like, oh, no, this is absolutely not. I've just, I tapped out so quickly about,

where was this going to be? This was going to be, they were just going to find a big warehouse space that we were all like all five of was this going to be? This was going to be they were just going to find a big warehouse space that we were all like all five of us we're going to live in with like no individual rooms just in London. No in can in Canterbury in Kent, which is a little bit it's a little bit outside of London, but it's like, you know, it's not what this wasn't like, you know, a loft space on the Lower East Side. It wasn't like this is just this is like a

cathedral city. It's not like, you know. You're basically going to be in a double garage, aren't you? Yeah, yeah. Exactly. You'd be in a quick fit that are closed down and you'd be sleeping in a pile of oil with a tarpaulin over the top of you. But there'd be cushions, so don't worry about that. Yeah, don't you worry about that. We'd have at least five cushions. Soaking with the grease, soaking through the bottom.

You could sleep on one of those, you know the little skateboards that people slide under the... You could just sleep on one of those. Yes. Yeah, you wouldn't know where you'd... You could wake up in a completely different location. You could be like... But going for a wee in the middle of the night would be an absolute joy with one of those.

Oh, yeah, that would be great. Just, oh, or you could, if you overslept and said, you know, like, if you overslept and someone would like wield you to your lecture, they said, we didn't want to wake you, but we knew you had a nine o'clock seminar, so we pushed you up the hill. And we knew that you were oversleeping

because there's no walls and no doors. Yeah, yeah. Because we all could see each other very closely. I just, I couldn't, I couldn't get out of it quick enough. And I think the three of us who were not him and his girlfriend then just went and lived in a normal human house for two years. Still on one of those little skateboards. Oh yeah, obviously on a skateboard.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Always on a skateboard. I slept under their bed. They slept on a skateboard. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I slept under their bed. They slept on a normal bed. I'm quite small. Yeah, no one noticed. And so what are we saying to these guys apart from just suck it up and live where you want to live? I mean, to me, I think that this is a more interesting investigation into the relationship and the friendship, right?

Like a kind of commitment to the friendship that, because to me it's sort of like, you want to live in two different places, then you're not going to live together. This is like relationship level discussion, right? This is like partner level, like, well, you know, if we're going to be together, we have to pick one of these two cities.

This is what you're going through right now. Yeah. And I think, yeah, and am I mapping this onto a stranger? Maybe. I think it's sort of beautiful. I think, you know, examine your dedication to this person. This could be a lifetime of, of happiness. Is there like a halfway house?

Like, not a halfway house, that's, you want to live in a halfway house. But you know, is there like, yeah, is there like somewhere that's like a halfway point? So then you're both, you've both got easy access to the, I mean, why are you bothering? You're not in a couple, are you? Are you in love?

It's just, are you a couple, right? Yeah. That's the question. Well, you do, you kind of are in love with your friends a little bit, aren't you? Right, guys? Yeah, you are, but- Everybody is, yeah, right? Everybody wants to kiss and hug and hold

and they're friends, right? Everybody wants to feel the soft graze of their friend's fingertips on their lower back, right? Everybody wants that. That's it. This has taken me right back to my wedding day, Clarky. I'm not gonna lie to you. This really is, this is, that best's speech was gorgeous, but I mean,

it was more, it was more about you than it was about me and my wife. And it was about us. It was about us. I, I wonder if, uh, some practical advice, maybe when I was in Cardiff, they, um, I don't want to go on about it, but they had a they had concerts going in the castle. Just so cool. It's like being at a festival. You can hear it wafting across the town.

I'd say invite him down for a weekend and kind of just show him a good time. Yeah. What is the strange vendetta against the Welsh? A great a great point of investigation. Yeah, that's fantastic. Welsh are great. Well, but then let's let's you know, let's go let's go both ways because he then just he dismisses the entire north by going however it's grim up north.

Yes. Also not true. Come on. Also also not true. Yeah. So why? I think basically what we're trying to do here is say look, neither of you, neither of you want this enough. Neither of you like you, but.

Or you both are making excuses for why you shouldn't lean into the love that is clearly evident in this. You guys can't say it, but I can say it. No, I will. Well, the other, the other question is, the other question is he moves to Cardiff with his ex, they break up. He stays in Cardiff. Where's the ex? Is that the reason? Is that what's keeping him in Cardiff? Is he staying in Cardiff to make sure that he's

close enough to his ex just because he wants this relationship? You know, it's deciding who are you more in love with, your best mate or your ex-girlfriend? This is what we need to- And are you trying to get your best mate to move to Cardiff to make your girlfriend jealous, to show your girlfriend, to show your ex what real love looks like? This is it. This is it.

They'll see you, you know, walking arm in arm, Sharon and McDonald's, you know, going lady in the tramp over a Bolognese, and she'll go, yeah, actually, I wish I had that. She'll come back. But then when does that leave the best friend? He has to sort of slink back to Manchester with his tail between his legs.

Yeah, to the grim gray North. Manchester's great. It's a brilliant place to live. What are we saying? What is our solution to this? I think no matter what we do, we're down to 28 listeners. Yeah, I have not been kind to, I'm going to say anyone for the last 46 minutes. I'm just happy that I'm not in the crosshairs at the moment. So yeah, I'm having a lovely time.

That's you, Ben. Stick around, stick around, Clarky. All right, well, I reckon, I reckon staying card if you find a different flatmate, beef solved. Beef solved. Beef from the sodding out your beef. Hi, Pappies. Hi.

I have a beef that I would be truly delighted if you could help me to solve. I will warn you though, I don't believe there is any way that you will be able to help me with it. Great. So if this is no good for your podcast. That's the kind of optimism we inspire in our listeners. They go, oh yeah, I've listened to a few episodes

of the podcast, there's absolutely, you know, you've never given one piece of useful advice. Yeah, you can always just one piece of useful advice. Even the idea of writing in then is simply a taunt. Yeah. Good luck. Creta's. All right, Jane. We're going to rise to this challenge. Yeah. Well, this is, this is classic.

This is Jane Jane knows what she's doing. She's nagging us to get the best possible result. It's working. So if this is no good for your podcast, I massively apologize. My housemate, stroke husband takes forever to wee. Ooh. We live in a house with only one bathroom.

It sometimes takes a full five minutes for him to squeeze out one piss. Oh my God. What? This is a 911 call. For him to squeeze out one piss. Oh my god This is a 911 call this isn't Shouldn't be writing into a podcast for advice here. You should be going you should be asking the NHS for its excellence He's been in there for two hours Yeah, yeah, my annoying flatmate is having a heart attack. What am I supposed to do? Does everyone else scream when they piss? I don't believe

there are any medical issues going on. We believe something different. It's completely infuriating. I am, I am capable of passing a large amount of urine very quickly. This is the kind of post we love on the podcast. Finally a listener we can really get on board with. Okay. And if I know someone is waiting for the bathroom, I can increase the pressure of my stream to speed up the process. I mean, don't like here's the thing. Again, another medical emergency is waiting around the corner for you, Jane. Don't push. Just let it go at the speed it's supposed to come out. Don't force yourself to piss faster because you live in a one bedroom. I think just I think just, you know, just look, it sounds like there's there's there's two adults here

who are using the toilet. I think it think you're fine. You're fine. He seems incapable of doing this. We do have both a toilet and a potty. There has to be a less humiliating answer than use the potty. Cheers, everyone. Bye, Jane. Have you got a cat litter tray? That's also an option. Is a potty like a kid's toilet? Yeah, like a little plastic.

A little plastic. What is... I don't understand how you can't hold your pee. How many times is your partner's bathroom time not only overlapping with yours, but like actively impeding an apparently emergent need to pee. Yeah, to a desperate level. I think you've both got your own medical issues. I think, you know, you've got, we need, because here's the thing, right? It does sometimes happen, right? It's this, there's the old cliche, isn't there, about people, you know, like when you go to the pub,

sometimes you sync up and you see the same person going into the loo as you know, like, it shouldn't have to happen at home, right? If here's, here's the thing, if, if, if Jane, if your husband says, I'm making a cup of tea, do you want one? You say, no, I'll wait half an hour. Yeah. That's what I was going to say. Don't like, don't, don't have this. Don't have your bladders fill up at the same level. Yeah. This is such a problem. I think that the reason that Jane can piss with such force is because she holds it for too long. And so then right. And that I understand that's what that's what provides the pressure behind the valve.

I get that. But the if you didn't hold it for so long, it wouldn't be such a panic to wait for a couple minutes for your husband to pee. Also I do have questions about where honestly okay on one hand it is a problem of her own making. On the other hand where does the five minutes draw out? Is it a wait? Where is it an extended spray? How does the time roll? Have you got a glass to the door you know and are you listening for like are you listening to the flow are you listening to it hitting the door, you know, and are you listening for like,

are you listening to the flow? Are you listening to it hitting the water? And you thinking, well, it's just coming out at a very slow trickle or does he do like a burst? Then there's a 30 second pause, another burst, you know, like what's yeah, five minutes is a long time. What else is he doing in there? Please, by the way, Jane, get back in touch and tell us all of this because I'm desperate to know. You're absolutely busting over there, aren't you, Clark? Yeah, I'm, yeah, busting at the seams. But somebody else is busting at the seams in the bathroom

so he can't get in there and bust. Yeah, this is the problem. Five minutes to me doesn't seem like enough time to be worrying. If someone said, oh, if we were driving down the motorway and we knew the services were five minutes away, even if I was absolutely desperate for the loo, I'd be like, five minutes, that's fine. I can handle that. Do you think that this is, now I think all of my assessments are going to be that all of these are projections. Do you think that Jane is projecting some other deep frustration with her husband

onto how long he takes to pee? Yeah, maybe, maybe he's just generally a slow guy. Yeah. Meandering around, shuffling around the flat. Yeah. Yeah, this does happen, doesn't it? My parents, for example, walk at very different paces. My dad is a very speedy walker. My mom walks very slowly and they will often be out walking together.

But you know, he could be he could be miles apart. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, this is genuinely true. If we can't fly for a walk with my parents, my dad shoots off like a bullet and then my mom, you know, slow and steady wins the race. But it's so this is the problem that, you know, as, as they get older, that gap's widening. And I think this is not it's not like you're going to, you know, like, it's not going to get better for you. It's all downhill from here. We have a problem with his medical issues right now. Believe you me, till death do us part, it's gonna look pretty grim. Speaking of grim, not Manchester, but a lifelong love. That's what I'm here to say.

Yeah, how do we help these guys move to Cardiff? To be fair, yeah, I got a two bedroom with two toilets. To be fair to Jane, I will say that if somebody is going to take five minutes, if he if the five minutes is him like standing there, you know, trying to will some liquid to come out of his mall of conspire, he should be the one to use the potty. So stand over the potty. Stand over the potty for minutes at a time. Yeah, I also don't trust Jane's strong, fast jet versus a potty.

I think she might blow it up. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's some flashback. Potties are very, very shallow. Exactly. That's going all over the floor. So I think, yeah, what you've got to do is is get your

your husband with his junk that barely works and just get him to just get him just to kneel down in front of the plastic toilet right and urinate in full view of you and your children that's good and that'll that'll I tell you what he won't take a long time over that he'll want that to end as quickly as you don't think that that'll that'll slow him down even more. That'll he'll take. He'll take 20 minutes to make any drops come out. It's a good point.

If he's a little bit peace shy, then, yeah, that's that's he's in. He's in real trouble. I recently went camping and my I hadn't been camping other than a festival in years and years. And so I was like texting my mom about it and was like, she goes camping quite a lot. I was like, do you have any advice? And she just sent me a link to a company that provides, they look like, um, like coffee cups, like reusable coffee cups, but they are in fact things that you can piss in.

Uh, is there the universally shaped. So interesting. If very interesting, very disturbing. I also, I wouldn't you just piss on the side of the road into the grass. Yeah. It's just into, yeah, it's, it's camping. Why do you want to piss in? Also, I'll, I'll tell you one thing.

Oh, uh, you know, all coffee cups you can piss in. Like a coffee cup. Yeah. Holder, a cup holder in a car. You also can piss in that. Oh, did you get the link I sent you? Because it looks it looks like a flashlight, but Look, Matthew, it's you or nobody. Look, Matthew, it's you or nobody. You know this. Took me ages to make that mulled in my mouth though. But yeah, yeah, I think this is it.

What you need to do is have a variety of receptacles all around. I'm sorry, Chloe. There was a window that was going to be aligned somewhere. No, no. The problem is that my line is that I can't possibly imagine how you could use that tool while following the Moloch-Kantaya rule. This is true. They are in direct conflict.

Also, I don't think you can pee with a boner. You can't pee into Matthew's mouth. No, you can't think you can pee with a boner, you know, so you can't pee into the into into Matthew's mouth. No, you can't be. No, it is. Now, how many listeners are we down to now? We're in the negative. Yeah, even I'm not listening anymore now after that. Yeah, I unplugged my headphones five minutes ago.

I've got clocked off. I've got big times. Sorry, Jane, but we do have to blame you for the message. So yeah, I think this is what we need to do is we need to fit around the house, a variety of receptacles that your husband can use, you know, they're at sort of waist height little recita. If anything, they're a bit like, you know, on the side of a hamster's cage, you'd have the bottle. Oh, yes. You know, like that. Yeah.

The other way around. So he can just go, look, I need to use the loo. I'm going to be five minutes. Plus he can carry on watching the telly while he's doing it. Just urinating into a little, into a little bottle just in the middle of the loo. Is his metal hamster drink? Am I right here? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just I right here? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, just flip that around. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, just got a little bit of a valve at the end. Yeah, that's it. The other thing you could do is, is go catheter. You could you could catheter

the whole household. You know, that's true. And you all pee at the same rate. Yeah, we'll pee at the same rate. Yeah. We'll pee at the same rate at the same time. And then. And you can kind of analyze, you know, the flows. Yeah.

Sure. You can show him how quick your bag inflates. Yes, yes. The colors, the rapidity, yes. And you know, what's fun is there are some, you could just stick a coffee cup at the end of the catheter. You don't even of the catheter. You don't even need the plastic bag.

That's true. Yeah, absolutely. You know, like the great escape, you just shake it off down there down the trouser leg at the end. So you need to do is there is there a thing that we've got, you know, like talking about analyzing the data? Is it that Jane's husband is actually sort of dangerously dehydrated? Does she need to be like giving him like full on pints of water? You know, with maybe a bit of water.

That's why she needs to pee so bad because she won't let him have any. He drinks both of them herself. This is it. Jane, give your poor husband a drink once in a while. Yes. Another yet another problematic individual. I knew I knew we'd weed her out. Well weed. Thank you Clarke. Beef solved. Beef from the sodding of your beef.

Chloe, it's been such a pleasure having you on the podcast. Thank you so much for having me. Now, you are going to be at the Edinburgh Fringe this year. Tell us where people can see your show, what it's called, all that sort of caper. Yes, my show is called Proud Raccoon. It is an hour of stand-up comedy about my feral and as you can tell by this podcast, mean nature, which is sort of, I would say that sort of matches with the raccoon element. And it is 610 every day at Pleasant's Courtyard

Bunker 1 from the, just for the first two weeks. So July 31st through August 13th, the first two weeks of the fringe, 610 every day, Pleasant's Courtyard Bunker 1, proud raccoon. Do you want me to say it again? I can say it all again. I can keep repeating. That's brilliant. We'll put all of that in the show notes for the show as well. If you are on Instagram or any of the socials, do follow Chloe because your stuff is absolutely fantastic. Are you going to be doing anywhere else in the UK or are you just doing the Fringe and then? I'm just doing the fringe and then I have, uh, I have road dates in the US at the end of August. So I have to, I have to zip back, back to the, wherever I go.

I probably won't be in New York. It probably won't be, I don't know. I have to go to Columbus, Ohio and then Idaho and then San Francisco. Ooh, San Fransisco. There's something about it. I mean, these places probably to you seem a bit like, Oh, I've got to go to these San Francisco. Ooh. San Fransisco. There's something about it. I mean, these places probably to you seem a bit like, I've got to go to these places.

But to us, they seem unbelievably exotic. Yes. And now you know how I feel about Cardiff. Well, listen, Cardiff would love to see you. I'm sure the West End Centre would welcome you with open arms. All right, Chloe, it's been a total pleasure. See you very soon. Thank you all. Wow, what a cracking episode.

What a cracking app. Yeah, very, very strong. Again, Chloe is going to be at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival this year. So if you would like to see if you do go on to wherever they sell the tickets. Is it still at Fringe.com? It's been a while since I was last there. I hear they've got an app. They couldn't possibly have changed the name of everything, could they?

So, yeah, get yourself. I think we'll put a link in the show notes for, for where to find tickets to go and see Chloe. But yeah, like I say, absolutely fantastic stand up. She's really, really wonderful. And, and do go and see her at the Edinburgh Fringe or you know what, if you're in Columbus, Ohio or San Francisco or the third place, then go along to those places as well. Because Chloe's a very, very funny person. As you can tell from how brilliant she was on our podcast, I would say probably, you know, don't go up to her afterwards

and say, oh, hello, I heard you on Pappy's flat share because she may tell you to go F yourself. But you know. Oh, in that case, I hate you. But yeah, do go and see close. She's absolutely brilliant. All right. We're going to be at the Latitude Festival later on this month. In fact, it's in about a week and a half's time.

So we really need to work out who our guests are going to be. What's going to be in the show? Don't worry, that will all be sorted what's going to be in the show. But don't worry, that will all be sorted by the time we roll around. We're going to be on, I think it's around eight o'clock or eight thirty at the listing post on Sunday night of the festival, the final night of the festival. So yeah, come along. We would love to see you there. And yeah, join the Patreon, patreon.com forward slash Pupp's flat share and have a wonderful time with all of those things this episode was produced by emma cawsham cawsham team cheers everyone bye