Pappy's Flatshare - Beef Brothers Cold Cuts w/ Christina Martin S12E07

Episode Date: March 15, 2022

The Beef Brothers are here to sort out your beef with special guest Christina MartinChristina Martin - https://twitter.com/christinamartinEvie King - https://twitter.com/evieKingWritesPappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetIf you have a flatshare based beef you'd like us to solve then send it to [e-mail] us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareLIVE IN PERSON SHOWSMONDAY APRIL 4TH https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/288183593887TUESDAY APRIL 5TH https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/288180163627BOTH SHOWS https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/288187054237MACHFEST SATURDAY 30TH APRIL https://machcomedyfest.co.uk/show/2022/pappys-flatshare-slamdown-5/Produced by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Greetings, listener dear, I'm Tom. I'm Ben. And I'm Matthew and welcome to another episode of Beef Brothers, Colkuts. It's beef. It's bread and it is cold, served. I'm regressing. No, you know what? You know what? We loved every second of that. So this is, you know, not as good for the right reason, but we loved it. This is an episode where we deal with your flat-based beefs. And if you've got a problem you'd like to send into us, beefbrotherspodcastatgmail.com, send it in today and you could find yourself on the pod. Everyone's got something, everyone's got something.

There's someone's got something, a little ticker at the back of the house. We can sort it out. We can sort it out. We can sort it out. We can sort it out. There's always a bit ticker at the back of my head. We can't sort it out. We can't sort it out. We can't sort it out. We can't sort it out. We can't sort it out. We can't sort it out.

We can't sort it out. We can't sort it out. We can't sort it out. We can't sort it out. We can't sort it out. We can't sort it out. We can't sort it out. We can't sort it out.

We can't sort it out. We can't sort it out. We can't sort it out. We can't sort it out. We can't sort it out. We can't sort it out. We can't sort it out. We can't sort it out. We can't sort it out. We can't sort it out. We can't sort it out. We can't sort it out. ITV game show isn't it? The shame.

Instead of answering questions to get at that little ramp thing, I just run up and down it. I've picked Poppulls in a watch he's on. And Bradley Moore's got a guy, go on, go on, go on! That's a fantastic Bradley Walsh impersonation. He is an old Irishman. He's a 78 year old Irishman. In my head he was dressed as a jockey. He's riding. It's like a weird fever dream.

That's not a bad idea for a me show. I think I think Brad as you know knowing his track record will be up for it. He rides. Well his track record will be up for it. He rides Well, it's track record as a jocky It's a flat jockey He hops on the back of a variety of different Different selects rise them rides them round Right the ragged till they're raw

It's not a bad, I'm not shit. We examine the jokes. Oh dear. Oh, that's a good answer. It's a good answer. Okay, well anyway. We should just very quickly say we've got a few more flat chest down downs coming up in next month.

Wow. What's proving to be a vintage year of flat slums? Yes, it's been really fun so far. It's been wonderful time, yeah. It was proving to be a vintage year of flat slums. Yeah, it's been really fun so far. I haven't had a wonderful time, yeah. It's great. It's been great. We've had, you know, I'm sure you've heard the episodes already, but we've had great fun with our episodes.

We've been recording over at the Phoenix. We've got one more that we have recorded that you're going to hear next month, but we've also got two more recordings in April. So if you're in London, the Phoenix is where we're doing them. April 4th and 5th, no guests booked as yet, but we'll get that sorted pretty soon. They're always amazing as well. They're always fun. I mean, you know, come on. Great guests. Come on. We always have great guests. We always have a great time. We've got a record outside of London in the McCloth comedy festival. Yes, Mac Fest.

We're going to be there, yeah, right, we're on Saturday the 30th, I think it is. Saturday the 30th, all the details for that will be in the show notes of the show. But if you go to macfest.co.uk, I think that's right. Yeah, sounds about right, isn't it? And get your tickets, get your tickets today. We've got a great guest today, a really brilliant guest.

We had such a good time chatting to her. It's Christina Martin. You may have seen her on the standup circuit a few years ago. You may have seen her writing in Viz. You may even have had to contact her as a member of the council. But you know, she did

many, many strings to her bow. But she's a dear friend of ours and she was a great guest. And I think you're going to enjoy this episode. We really get into it. If you enjoy Christina and you'd like to hear more, then join the Patreon Patreon.com forward slash Pappies Flatshare. Get yourself over there and four for four pounds, a mere four pounds a month, you get a ton of bonus episodes, a new one every week plus an extra bonus beef not included in this podcast that we recorded just for those guys over at the Patreon. So hop on board today. Enjoy the pod. Well, if you've got a problem, I'm calling a problem. If you've got a problem, call a B. If you've got a B, maybe we can help you Be from the zoning I can be

So thanks for coming on the part Thank you having me man, it's great to see you See you on the tree Tom, you're really grown into that by the way It's such a treat I get that a lot. We were digging together what now must have been 10. 10 last years ago, because I know when I stopped,

20, 10 bang, my round number. I picked out the air and just went, Doc, and now it's 2020 soon. Obviously, you used to do stand-up back in the day with us. Who didn't, everyone used to do stand-up, right? He does. You're a talented thing.

You're a good bit as well. People may have seen you're writing in viz. Yes, I get this weird thing every six months where someone tweets me and go, are you Christina Martin? And I go, well, yeah, but what do you mean? And then they go, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, obviously people die all the time and so yeah it's going

on every day behind closed doors. I work at the council and I do, in addition to a random selection of things at environmental health, so I'll be taking phone calls about rogue peacocks and there was recently a good one. An email landed in the inbox with Tysaw was accident at the Lama farm. Great album. Yeah, oh that sounds like Bowie when he was in Stirlis Street but something he did because he walked along. So we realised. And then we improvised the line in the office so what's the mess? A Mr Alpacker. We have a lot of fun as you can tell. So yeah, I'm doing this sort of stuff like every day I'm in stuff to do with the environment and help, but then sometimes if people die in our area without any money or any family to do their funeral,

we will step up and I will pop into their house, have a quick look now, and if there's no next to Ken to search for any family or friends, or if I don't find anyone to find some suitable stuff about them, their personality, their music taste, so we can choose some songs for the eulogy and the service. And yeah, and then we do that funeral for that. It's a really strange admin slash big-lice thing crossing over. Paperwork and life. It's a, but it's also a little bit like through the keyhole. Yes, it very much. I thought it was through the keyhole. That's a studio. I thought it could like, so quite a good way of describing beef brothers as well,

and something. Yeah. And a cable deck. An occasion, yes. When did you know that 2010 was going to be the year you're going to stop? Was it like you looked ahead in the calendars and thought that's a good looking year to start? I chose my last gig and it was in the beginning of 2010 I think so yeah I was back in the twig 2009 I was like this one this down and choose my last gig

I chose Josie's lost triggers which is a great way to go out Oh yeah brilliant because it's a kind of Laskig chose us. Sometimes they choose you, sometimes you choose me. You went out on your own terms. I saw, I just fell on my sword, just leaned on it, didn't even fall,

just slowly leaned on it. You were not the first to fall on your own sword. So you were like standing off you went. And I didn't even do my set. I just did stuff on Peter Simon when he was on Bid TV because it was about heroes and some heroes. So I thought, people obsessed with Peter Simon way. People that talk on their own to themselves all night on live TV, those are my unsung heroes just talking to themselves effectively. talking to themselves into a knot. Yeah, would you ever do it at home?

Would you ever like pick up a sort of pepper pot and go, I'm going to chat about this and see how long I can do. See, just how long I can really, I really want to do this. Yeah, so get the writing exercise actually. Look into the mic, go over and imagine it's a camera and just talk. I don't think I can get his way of talking is absolutely rambling time is you can't even mock it up yourself if you have to. I had to print off all these things like Twitter to his, because it's not, it can't

replicate it. It's like, is he still going strong? Yeah, every time you turn on, you're selling a bed or he's on a vibrating plate. Now, look, it's just standing on a vibro plate. I fear what? It shakes you and it exercises your bottom and then you see his bum close up shaking. What that is, is that's just producers saying to themselves, what can we get him to do tonight? I've seen a talk on my... Yeah, a talk on to talk all night.

Wouldn't it be great if we could get one of those shaky plates? Oh, I've had him blocked me randomly, I don't know why. And it's so ironic if I hadn't blocked on purpose because I've got a photo of him, like I always got a photo that said keep tweeting. Oh, she's what keeps me going. Whatever I think. I won't tweet that. It's freezing just not at me. It's just so weird you. I'm not going to read any of the tweets.

So we're not tweeting brackets other people. I don't know if I'm reading the tone right? Could have been Keatswee. Yeah, I'll go on and see what's going on. I'll wait for you. I'll hand care. Talk to yourself, love. Is this your second book? Your second book second book gonna be a history of big TV?

Big TV and also probably quiz call. You know, the ones where you had to do a quiz. And no. Have you ever called into quiz call? I'm very nearly cold, but I stopped myself. So you really are just a lurker on these channels. I'm a lurker. Because so what do they block here?

Yeah, I'm just a little more disgusting. You're never gonna buy anything. I'm hearing my own big block now, I'm as big as I speak. It's like going to therapy and I learn about yourself. A lot of people say that about our podcast. It's not comedy, but it feels a bit like therapy, actually. It helps me release a few things. So what is your, we know you have a lot of late nights and you stay up and you drink a lot and you watch, you watch Bid TV. Standing in the sofa. Yeah, what's your flat chest set up? Do you live on your own, do you live with someone else?

I'm currently moving into my own place. Oh, so I'll be so new. But yeah, the moment I'm sort of knocking about, the house as it gets packed up and moved on. Right, we're catching at the end of an era. Yeah, it's not. All plays new plays. How much stuff is still left to pack up? When are you moving? I'm not sorted out yet, but I've sold so much stuff on eBay and I gave loads of way. I had this mad time during lockdown where I just gave stuff away. I just tweet who wants this.

Yeah, you sent me the Bruce McCullough book. I loved it. I said, oh, is it a beautiful book? It's a great book. Yeah. It's a great book about breathing. You know, when you want to, when you miss someone, just breathe in and he talks about you breathing the same air as the beastie boys and, you know, Jesus. So, I was so fearful. And he tweeted recently that he's got a tight right to the Tom Green gave him and he likes to write funny little poems And the tight right of my friend Tom Green got me and I was like this. I love everything about this sweet

Yeah, do you think breathing in the same air as the Beastie boys might be a bit smelly? It feels like feels like going into a dressing room again like The Beastie boys were in here. I'm sorry Sorry, the beast of boys were in here last time. Sorry, we're still on the other side. This is sabotage. Fuck it. I'm in the truck of window. I'm in the truck of window.

Should we do some beefs? I feel like we've got some, we've got some good ones. We've got some weird ones. And the one that Perry's gonna do is especially odd. Have you got it there, Perry? Yeah, I mean, you kind of teased it to me in the subject of the email. You said, admittedly, this is quite weird. So I've deliberately held off reading it.

Oh, this is a cold reading from Parry, right? We're seeing that, sure, I'm sure. And time. So beef narn from Mark via beefbrotherspodcast.gmail.com. Dear Pappies, I've got a beef narn for you, if you're interested. Nothing to do with Indian food, I just enjoyed the pun. So, is that the weird bit?

No, you wish, mate. You absolutely wish. My nan and my mom are not getting on. Nan is notorious for making plans and then cancelling at the last minute. She will arrange for us to visit her in North Hampton, bigging it up by saying she's cooked a salmon. We will then all arrange our lives around visiting my nan and then she will cancel at the last minute.

She will also frequently get pissed on gin and then leave voicemail slugging off members of the family. The cancelling plans thing could be a pain in the ass, but to be honest, the voicemails are quite fun, and I usually agree with my nan as they are frequently about my brother-in-law. Yeah, that's good stuff. Me and my sister shrugged this all off and love our nan anyway, but my mom is really upset about it. It was my nan's birthday at the weekend, so the family went to the local spiritualist church to visit her as my nuns been dead for three years now. Okay.

Yeah. No one was expecting that, were they? There's the twist. Well, yeah, one of the twists, yeah. Oh, okay. I was delighted when the media managed to contact not only my nun, but my granddad too. My NAN and granddad had loving and supportive messages for both of us and it's great to know they're still around. My mum however was not as happy. She in fact started an argument with my NAN for being an unreliable drunk and my granddad for always taking my NAN side. And my granddad for always taking my vandans side. By the medium of the medium, who is getting pretty anxious at this point, as she's probably not used to getting heckled. The medium said to my mom, they want you to know that they're happy up there doing fine

to which my mom replied. That's fucking typical. I wanted apology and their responses, they're fine. Well, they can fuck off the bear of the... Oh wow. I consider myself an agnostic and I'm not sure what I believe. Either way, I don't think it's healthy for my mum to be holding onto this resentment. I look forward to your prompt reconciliation kind regards, Mark. Wow. This is... This is... It's odd, isn't it?

It's odd. This is our first beef that goes into the af... We've never had an af the life beef beef before. A beefy on the grave. They're unusual. Well, isn't a beef beef... It's not a beefy on the grave really in that Mark is Mark's life. What?

He's a lot of interest. Sorry, I didn't finish reading. Kind regards Mark, sent through my medium. Send through my medium's iPhone. I've got hung up on the salmon. All I can think about salmon. Well, that's the thing isn't it. She says, I'm cooking a salmon.

I'm just gonna be off fire, I'm cooking salmon. Everybody come round. Everyone come to Northampton. I would say if someone's cooked to salmon, it doesn't matter even for your couple of villagers along. By the time you get to Northampton, that salmon's no good. Right?

You have to be there at the time of the preparation. I'm of cooking, yeah. Yeah, really, so it's just mutes, you know, there's no good thing. It's just a salmon confusion. Salad have to be in right there, right then. Well, I would say don't cook it and then make plans to invite people around to eat it. Yeah, make plans first, cook salmon later. I think that's it. The order of those things.

The old saying. Well, that's why I'm a bit sick. I say all the time. Every day, run, stay. I think that's it. I've got a suggestion here for Mark. Oh, yeah. I think what it seems like the mom was looking for

was a bit of back and forth to achieve this kind of, this sense of kind of that something's been put to bed. Yeah. Right? So if I was Mark, I'd consider going back to the medium, slipping them 50 quid and saying, look, give it a bit of this next time. And do you have a wish? Yeah, like say this sort of thing.

Oh, sorry! Drop in of Cook the Salmon, like you know. Yeah. Like be like, well, you didn't come round, even when I cooked the salmon and like, you know, like sticking some stuff like that. Like you're in a keystep with Dan and Kara feet. Exactly.

And then when the mom comes back, then, so let's go back another time, let's see what's going on. And then rather than saying they're fine, she's saying a bit of the nann stuff and giving a moan and have a slag off of the brother-in-law. And then the mother can kind of have a bit of a ding dong. And it'll feel like she's,

oh, she's, you know, wrestled with her demons and she'll leave peace. So yeah. So yeah. That's why I'd go for it. I think you're right there because I think what most psychic mediums are offering is peace for the living, isn't it? Sort of mental peace for the living.

But this is the one time for cold hard cash. Anything exchange for all of your money, yeah. But in this instance, this is someone who just misses the RG bar G, I'll have a relative big big deal with. I don't know what God got that thing, where she does, you know, as she tests Debbie Moore, we'll be going, but could they have a physical fight? I don't know.

It's 50 quid, beat the shit out of my mouth, is that your saying to that? Oh, I have a cute salmon. Look at salmon in it and with it. Here we have salmon. Or a puppy cat. If the medium just sets up a meeting and then cancels at the last minute, I don't think I've been any money and that will be pretty much...

I know it will be in keeping with their experience. The best thing would be, is if they sit down with the medium and the medium says, right, she's coming, she's going to be with me now. Oh would have been the best thing, is if they sit down with the medium, and the medium says, right, she's coming, she's gonna be with me now. I know she isn't. She's saying, email. She's can't pull actually, sorry. She's can't make it.

But by the way, tell Steve to get his life together and get a proper job, because he's buried to her. You know, I guess like a cold fish, anyone. LAUGHTER You know, I guess like a cold fish, anyone. LAUGHTER Does any of us believe in mediums? Christina, do you believe in that kind of cult? No, I don't think so. No. I sort of had stuff told to me,

but I was too young to verify, you know? I was told that I identified a ghost of someone who died that morning when I was on a swing, I could creepy child. But I don't remember that. So I can't verify. I was on a swing and my dad went, what are you looking at? And I went, I'm waving at Tess up. I mean, who's Tess? Or I went, I don't know, she's died. And then when we got to the hospital, my mom said that my nonsnames, they were Tess, but who knows what says, so I might have been picking up from my nun. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait like, play like a story. How would Tessa died? Had Tessa died falling down a hill? Had you actually seen the death? A swing clock during the head actually is what happens. There's a woman in there, she's going

blue. I had a psychic come into a house I was searching because I do house searches in my job and I was looking for that guys will. It was the only thing that we'd not got and we needed it and we knew it existed. And I was climbing through it because once his wife had died, he'd piled all the furniture in the house up against one wall so he could make model wear always with the whole back downstairs and the big puddle. Oh, really, really. I've got the space. Oh, she's gone. And so I had to climb through and under and over and take things out and move cupboards and just as I was about to get my hands on the wheel, the next door neighbor came round with her sister who she said was a son of a kick. And the sister said, I sense he's getting annoyed with you. I sense you're looking for something and you can't find it and he's getting annoyed with you. I sense you're looking for something and you can't find it and he's getting annoyed with you. And it's like that would be really impressive if I hadn't told

your sister half an hour ago that I was looking for his wealth and I couldn't find it. I've got chills, I've got chills, I'm so weird. And then I found it and my knees you have me now. Can you verify? But I do get the spinks. I do feel that people are behind me. That's just the natural feeling of being in someone's house, isn't it? They're in the woods and you're already true to it.

But that was fine. So that was very good, yes. No, impressive. When you were climbing through all the furniture that was like piled up against one wall, were you tempted to sing any songs from Lamez? Because I don't think I'd be, you know, yeah, just be singing one day more as I climb, wrap and sit on a high chair. I was thinking more of reenacting the Wallace & Grommet bit where Grommet's going round on the train train.

I think you more of reenacting the Wallace and Grommet bit where Grommets go round on the train train. Laying out my tracks in front of him. Yeah, you pushed on a little train, going round, looking for this world. It was so magical that house, it was just like that, it was like a toy shop, it was brilliant. Oh wow. Have you sold the beef on drugs? We stopped talking about it, but it's... I think the reason we stopped talking about it is the beef has been sort of solved by death, and I think we decided we stopped talking about it is the beast has been sort of solved by death and I think we decided that I'm sorry. Yeah, also that the paying off the medium Yeah, maybe having a Olympic Olympic or kiss or fist fight or both

Would be the closure they need it will be interesting to see if there's some kind of mediums code Because I bet mediums get that all the time. I bet someone side looks at mediums says look Tell us now tell her you've spoken to and she's fine. Yeah. Where the mediums are like, okay, or they'll go, no, no, no, we don't do that. I don't know. I don't know. That's the deal with mediums anyway, though, isn't it? Do you think there's mediums out there going, Oh, she's not fighting at all. She's got to hell actually. Oh no! She's stuck like, oh, eternal damnation she's facing. That's clearly what the mum would be delighted. The mum would be like, thank you very much. Yeah, I'm an extra 50. She's got a fucking salmon down there. I could have fucking summoned down there. I could have summoned anyone. Oh beef solved.

Beef solved? You're from the Zoning Eye of Beef solved. Can open a beef. So, straight away it's got you by the balls. I'm not going anywhere. What's going on here? Here we go. I can open a beef.

I don't want to can open it anywhere near my balls if that's okay. I've waited. That's my thing actually. Of course you forgot about that. Is this from you? Your band from Lakeland. Can I open a beef from a non via beef brothers podcast at gmail.com? That's quite pleasing.

A flow of that sentence. Hey guys, I would whack on about how much I love the podcast in brackets, which I do, and how hilarious you are in brackets, which you are. But I'll cut to the chase. I like that, that is because they've done it anyway. I see what they've done there. I moved in with a stranger. Let's go straight in. Done the small talk. I moved in with a stranger though we both moved in at the same time. We really got on and off we went to IKEA to get out the house. She was a student so I put it the £400 bill. Oh he does a mind splash in it right? No, he likes to talk people. I'll pick up the tab but he's not going to stop talking about it. I don't know if they had the meatballs as well and that's included in that. She paid me back for the stuff that was going into her room brackets about $50. But I paid all the communal

stuff, kitchen, lamps, etc. We were living in London, but I was working in Oxford a two hour commuter way. After six months of 5 a.m. wake-up for a four hour round trip to work every day, needing to me falling asleep in a one-to-one meeting with my boss, I decided to move to Oxford. She found a tenant to replace me and asked me to move out before my new lease started. She asked me to pay her for my half of the quarter of the year. That's a very involved sentence. My half of the quarter of the year of the TV license. What?

Leave it at that point. I don't know what's going on. What have I just travelled to get 30 miles an hour? I can't travelling at 12. One's going to Oxford, he always stay in London. Which one arrives first? At the bus station. So since I had chosen to leave, yeah, so it's his fault he has to pay the quarter of the year, the TV license, then got in touch about further nitpicking bills,

which I paid. The final straw was when she told me I had taken a can opener, here we go. We've hit the... Oh, it's okay, now it's all... Do you know what, John's still like Harry? I hope it had been in your pants. Well, what's still, I, for this, I'd forgotten the title by this point.

So in gross stores, I... We're so fast, you're a story, yeah. Can opener arrives, like a call back, and it's like, of course, it's going to come down to a fucking can opener. Oh, what is that? And then a can opener on top. So she told me I to a fucking can opener. Oh, what is that? And then a can opener on top. So she told me I had taken a can opener and gave me the option of posting it back.

Oh, la la la. More than the value of the £1.50 can opener. Or give her the money for it. I told her I would happily give her back the £1.50, but she would have to give me back 200 quid but all the stuff from my care that I bought and left behind. Oh she was the one waiting the other. Sounds like a bar.

It's only home beach. That really does. You can see that in my mouth. Negotiations. I understand being a skin student. We've all been there, but then it has to go both ways. You're either tight and for studious, we pay your share. Or Lucy, Goosey, I love that. Lucy, goosey. You can't

shirt your bills, but then ask for £1.50 for a fucking can opener, it really ends on a box. Love anonymous, if that's even that real name. Just to say not that it matters, but just not to misgender anonymous, anonymous is female. Don't think that change is the beef in any way, but it's, that is, and I don't think that gives away.

That doesn't narrow it down, does it? No, it's not beef. I'm not broaching the trust of the anonymous there. It's a big deal. You've got two listeners. I've worked it out. 50, 50 shot now. Okay. Right.

The only thing I've used to can open up you. Yeah, who needs a can opener? When I have, they're shit, these are awful. Yeah, can opener's have gone to shit because they know they're not needed anymore. So they've given up. They've got to be honest. Yeah, they do. My last two can opener's have been awful.

They've been job shit. It's like clocks in public. You look at a clock in public nowadays. None of them are telling the fucking right time. They're all given up. Yeah, there's not no everyone's ever looking at their phones. And it's like you go to you find me a clock tower that's still pulling its weight. They've been up top. I was gonna say clocked off and I thought it was not be a bit on the nose. Don't worry. One of us will always fill in the gaps.

But like it's a similar thing with Cannot Open as I truly believe. I think if you're a Cannot Open operator, a manufacturer, operator. No door to door. Any, any, can you want to open and go? Like the, like the knife sharpener used to come round, you know with this grinding wheel But yeah, I I peel my cans open now So the last time I use a can open up. We're exactly it is a nice pleasing action, isn't it? As well as years of bonus, but last time I used one it's about three years ago And it was on close tunic hands haven't caught up in all ways

Yeah, yeah, I was gonna say going to say. That's the only camera. Only thing hanging on for can open as it's a tuner. Unless you go really expensive, John, as I was going to say John Lewis, it's not, it's John West. John West, in some sort of salted caramel brine, they have the can open on. Never knowing you're the poll cause.

Yeah. the cat in the cat. Never knowing you're the pole cause. But yeah, he's born on the 10 of Cheap Tudor and I, you know, she is away the metal, so it's all like a really sharp and I cut my finger so deep that I have to go to A&E. Oh shit. I would say send her the fucking thing and the sheet tin of tuna and then they should say I've got to ask the question then how do you open your cans because there are two methods aren't there? There's the sort of biting the tooth through the top of it and then sort of cutting a bit out the top or they're shearing off the entire top by the two through the side.

Side on. Your side, I thought it's side on. Because that's how you cut in your hand. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm top down. I'm top down and then. Oh no, no, no, no, no. Wish I'd done this. You do see these people who are side on.

Perry, deciding right here. I'm top down, but I'm top down. I'm top down. I try and resort to side on because of the malfunctioning tin opener. That's it, none of them forced you to be side on and then you're in danger and they could you in danger. Did you see on rip off Britain?

Because they often have really good, of course we do. Sorry, again my motivational experience in a very niche. Tell me you've got Christina Marting on the podcast without telling me you've got Christina Marti on the podcast, and that's what happened there. I'm very, I'm forward about it anyway. Yeah, together again. Yeah, please someone, someone get me Apple TV. I am not especially one episode because I really like all their really non stories and they

have like sometimes I have a man like looking at a Twix with a magnifying glass to demonstrate that he's upset that it's smaller than it was or they'll have like a man going stab it to his fridge and shaking his head it is orange juice because it's less orange juice in it. But they have one guy who couldn't open his Freyventos pie and it really did a lot and it caused tension with his wife. Why couldn't he open it just it was? Cost and 10 opener, in the 1970s when he had, you know when they were just a bit of metal with a tiny bit, wouldn't work on the Freyventos which was tougher than normal tins so he could have

got his pie and it caused tension with his wife. I've got to clap obviously. I found it, I found it, but I'm not here to do it. I'm not going to do it in my other favourites. I don't know if that shows. So what was, I've got, sorry, what was his wife's problem? Is it just that he's getting so stressed? She's like, she's feeling, she's getting fucking problem.

She's getting, I know she's going, she's getting anxious from hearing him bang in a way in the kitchens, hitting the pay bentos, powerful the surfaces. He's the best tire salmon, what the heck? He couldn't get it. He couldn't get it, so they didn't have a pint. They had to do something else. And it was just a picture of him at the end of the piece, standing in the background,

blurry, in the pie, in the foreground, sharp focus. Right, he never said. Do you cook a Freyventos and then open it? I don't know actually, that's a good question. I've never dealt with those kind of things. Because I can imagine that being particularly annoyed. If you've got it cooked and it's all in there, it's all for you. You know people are coming to Northampton,

everyone's on their way. Yeah, you've published them a pie. You have to cancel them again. This way, I've been watching this for so many years. I've been watching this for so many years. I'm afraid it's all over. It's a great bit of something. Oh no, it's stuck in the tank. I think what you have to do anonymous is send it back.

I mean, you can literally just say, look, give me the 200 quid, or you can go petty and you can send it back in some way compromised. You can either tell them about how you've compromised it, or you can leave it for them to find out, but I think. My brain's gone like, are you thinking they've stuck it there are? I sense some way. Quick.

I'm a brain. I was thinking a bit at the time, but that's good. That's really good. Put it up your ass. I'm waiting. But that's good. That's really good. Put it up your ass out of it. Of course we're going to go all in. And Tom, of course, you're the expert on this. That'll be a great trick. Give me your butt and then try to open a can.

And then send the video to them. After they've received it. Oh no, I'm going to be outside. I've been like the twin peaks kind of cherry stalk thing, but like, you very seductively put a can in a can. I put up your ass and then fart it out and it's open. It's just so jazzy music. Oh, that is the worst chewed a bake I've ever had. The salmon's cooked everyone. I'll open your frail bed toss, play mate.

You know, I like it. But no, I was thinking like you've filed down the teeth of it or something, or you just get, or you just, that's a good idea, Clarkie. You break it apart into four or five component parts and say, you can have the can open it back and send it, you know, you get, send it as weak like a different spot. You say, yeah. Yeah.

I'd take, I'd come and take all my stuff. That's what I'd do. In exchange. I turn up in a van, I get removal guys, and I'd say go and take all the 200, start the quid, does that make it? Is that legal? Stick it in your bag.

Yeah, because it's mine, I bought it, I've got the receipt. Fair enough. And then I'd leave in the middle of the room. Why don't you? You can't open it. Yeah. But the sofa's gone, the lamp's gone. I get the removal guys to carry in the can opener.

Two of them. One holding, yeah. One holding each end. Moving, carrying, really? Yeah. Shuffling. Shuffling along. Laying it on the door, step side. one how would you get one how would you get moving yeah shuffling lay it on the door step so we're not I take it in the house in more

COVID and you have to see what happens yeah you can say look you can have the can open a buy I'm taking all my other stuff that I paid for and I've got the receipt for it yeah don't just say give us 200 quid say I'm taking the stuff yeah yeah yeah because that's the that's the

bigger inconvenience isn isn't it? Absolutely. And they brought it on themselves by asking for a can opener or shove it up your ass either way Everybody wins. Well, that as well You've got a little bit of engines in there as well Absolutely stick up your ass twist it a few times, fire it out and through that door, through that little box. I think so, did several ways, maybe ways. From the sorting of the piece!

It's fall, and you can get anything you need with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get a maple tree on Uber Eats, but maple syrup and maple lattes? Yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats. Get almost, almost almost anything so no you can't get a maple tree on Uber Eats But maple syrup and maple lattes yes, we can deliver that Uber Eats get almost almost anything or now product availability may vary by region see after details This is from Mark Gal beef And he sent a label Gal yeah G-U-L-L beef Goal. Yeah, G-U-L-L beef. I have a beef. Via beef brothers podcast at gmail.com.

Brothers and sisters of the beef. My beef is with the people of my neighborhood. Four years ago, I moved into a house in a suburban area of Dublin. My house faces onto a green. He doesn't say a green what. The problem is that lots of people in the area throw their food waste out onto the green So we have a plague of sea girls that hang out there all day long Every morning I get woken up by the screeching of sea girls

Dublin City Council put letters through everyone's doors asking people to stop because it's also causing a rap problem But that this doesn't it doesn't seem to dissuade people. I've yet to encounter any rats. Thankfully Is there anything I can do to solve this issue? Cheers, Mark. I've got a really boring answer to that. Go on. Go on. Yes, go on. Give us a boring answer, sir. Well, see, I know from experience the letter, but letter you said is just a first approach.

Right. So they need to let the council know the first approach is not having impact and then they need to issue a notice under a certain legislation to cease and desist that under a public health legislation. And it's a season to do it. And they'll get fines to the neighbors or to the seagulls. To the seagulls. To the seagulls. To the seagulls.

To the seagulls. To the seagulls. To the seagulls. To the seagulls. To the seagulls. To the seagulls. To the seagulls. To the seagulls. I get people voting in, go, the sea goes, they're swooping me. I can't. And you think I can speak to them many better than you? I'm aware of the noise they make. That's pretty good.

Yeah, I like the noise. It's just a personal thing. I like the sea. It reminds me of the seaside. I always quite like the noise, it's just a personal thing. I like the seat, I like the noise. Yeah, it reminds me of the seaside, so I always quite like it. Just pretend you're at the seaside, get a bucket, get a spane, get into it. I mean, the girls, I can't quite get my head around these people in Dublin, or just loving food.

Yeah, that's the problem. Yeah, I mean, that is mad. What's wrong with them? You don't have a meat. It's like 1970s, I've got an image of the commitment. Or something where there's a fucking shower horse in the lift or something. It's like, stop throwing food into the street, everyone.

What's wrong with them? Yeah, I'm not sure. I'd need to know why they're doing this. Yeah, have they not got a composting waste plan? Have they not got that going on? Does the council have to step that up as well? It's in brown bins on the streets. We need to look into this

on several council departmental levels. We'll see. Tell them to drop me an email. Even though I don't work at that council, I can have a look. Yeah, you speak for most councils, don't you? What's going on? Let's just have a look.

You're the council whisperer. I am. I'm every council person, every woman. LAUGHTER What, worst one woman show ever? It's not serious. Sorry, serious. The one woman can't show. Just send them a letter and then do a notice.

That's the space it's made. Yeah, my stick. So that is, yeah. You're in a mart, it is Jackie Weaver. But I have authority, that's a dick. Actually, I don't have any authority. I only have a section 46 authority to enter a house where nobody lives, that's the worst authority I think there ever is.

There's no one there to say you can't go in, but you've got a little badge to waive. Just the spirit is getting angry at you. So there it is. I'm gonna stick a canoebre on the carpet and leave I've got a suggestion that's on council-based. Okay good we need everything is it Stika canoapen or yeah Always is it's just to force for yourself at the start of the day before we begin this Prussian up. Get the can I wrote there? You feel like a new person.

This one was like a very low rent cyborg, aren't you? You're turning yourself up. USB call. The tin monitor. I need your gun, your shoes. That's up my ass. That's up my ass. And some pretty bit to us.

And some camos tomatoes. This food waste that's going on to the green right. I'm not picturing in my head I'm thinking T-bags, I'm thinking maybe the odd crust. So what I think you might need to do is draw the seagulls to a different place, because it's the noise of the seagulls it's bothering you. So how about for like three weeks or something,

you go to a different area of Dublin, a Jason area, and dump some, you know, crispy cream donuts. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Good stuff out there, exactly. Do you like in the walking dirt when they would put the thing over with the zombie blood

on, put a thing over you with chickens and donuts? Just go, they're not quite quite the style, yeah. You're gonna donut a style, yeah. You're a dinosaur. You're a donut man, yeah. You look like a really awful version of the mass singer. Just cover yourself with food waste man. Yes, just cover yourself with a variety of food waste and who is the city? You're a donut.

Yes, on the mass thing. And then you double the food. It's a leaf from the moon. It's a donut man. So I think that leaf from blue. It's a leaf from blue. It's a leaf from blue. It's a leaf from blue. It's a leaf from blue. It's a leaf from blue.

It's a leaf from blue. It's a leaf from blue. It's a leaf from blue. It's a leaf from blue. It's a leaf from blue. So I think that might be a way to go. So I think that might be a way to go. So I think that might be a way to go.

So you make another area of doubling more pulling into the goals. And then they'll forget all about this kind of scraps that they're getting. They're very much like they're going for the good stuff. The ones in Bex Hill hang around outside the fish shop, the chip shop. And they stand there and they look at the menu almost. Take the photos right there and look at the game. Oh good, it's just CDAT Wednesdays. Yes, I am. And I'm just so I need this.

Good to count on you. I'll have a sausage. Yeah, a part sausage and here it goes. This little goal with spring in your ear. I'm about bit of a guy. Yeah, actually, this is this little goal with spring in your ear. I'm about to fall. I keep swooping at me. The other thing you could do is you know the way that like in the apple factory,

they, the fact that they make iPhones rather than the grossers. The, they, they, they, because they were getting people jumping out the windows, they just put nets outside the windows rather than sort of making the working conditions better. Could you just put, like, basically, nets outside your windows that springs the rubbish back in that will stop people from being... That will stop people from being such grubby bastards

and chucking there. Have you not been in your house? I'm fascinated by it. I know what about a net that springs the goals back up into the sky? Just make everything bouncy in your area. You keep putting them on the naughty step, taking them back to the naughty step that Supernanny says, just walking them back to the naughty step. Every time someone throws something,

I take the day off work and just knock on the door, throw it back in the face. And every time, just keep, I take the day off work and just, not on the door throw back in the face. And every time, just keep, until they're like conditioned. Right, keep them in. With a little handful of sea galshirt as well, just clap, you know, there's a little bit of interest. Yes, I release a gull into their face. And that will condition them, gradually.

Everybody has to have a gull in the house for a day. You live with the gull girl you've brought in. You're all now. It's like wife swap, but you just got to live in a girl in your house. Can we steal this? Let's do this, Charles. That's a TV program I'd want. This is it. Everyone can join me in this weird genre of television. I love it. I think, I mean, you know what Mark, if there isn't a solution amongst those

four different solutions, then we can't help you really. We can't help you. Beef solved. Hey! From the starting I can beef solved. So, I was thinking about this all afternoon, because I managed to eliminate all my beefs by just leaving town. So it could be. The Scourge Death Policy. Yeah, the Burnt Bridges.

If you ever have trouble in future episodes, just remember me, you know, just leave town. That's usually effective. Because I lived in a terrace block of four, with one woman who used to be on her hands in knees on my front lawn picking the weeds with her fingers, and then would get up when I came home from work and go to me, I'm just dealing with the weeds with her fingers and then would get up when I came home from work and go to me I'm just dealing with the weeds and then in the second month along I had a man who used to sing you know the slave owning side of the civil war in America, confederate side. He used to sing there, that's all Christ song, really loudly all day and was clearly quite a bit racist because he was like, I'm not saying people who are like, like, Tories are all racist but he was very Tory, he was like, he's

flitting for them, a Dominic rob, he cuts a tree down in his fat garden and put in its place, one of those poles for the conservatives with Dominic Marlund flat on it. Oh, it's so symbolic. And then he had a giant vote leave four foot by four foot thing that he nailed to my fence. So I had to go out and cover darkness with the claw end of a hammer claw it off. So no one thought it was me. And the other side I had a woman who dug up my garden and threw on my plants away. So I stitched town. Yeah, yeah, you're right too. You were right too, man. How'd you solve any of those beefs?

They're just so far gone, there's nothing to do. I've got a drug. Yeah. It's not dispute. It's just great, no. So I was trying to think of beefs and also with my job I'm so close to death that nothing seems that important in life. So I'm very zen now.

I'm like, yeah, yeah. So I'm sitting near a beef at work that, you know, I'm not involved in, but maybe you can solve it and I have to be like the human peacekeeper and say what I heard about. I can't bring myself to care about this beef, but it's in my daily landscape. there's someone who, there's a coffee station outside my office, which is completely against health and safety because it's my fire escape, so it's full of combustibles, which is good. That's austerity for you isn't it? We've got to be moved them from a real office into an attic area with the Christmas decorations and combustibles in their fire escape, great. And we still have more cuts to make. their fire escape group. So, and we still have more cuts to make. So, thank you.

We're just going to board you in eventually, aren't we? That's probably what works for us, Leo. Yeah, just hopefully they're an all-diant apart. We're going to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to be able to There's like a biscuit tin that says T-club members only bit the biscuits in so no one touches those in a seven T-club I'm not in C-club. I've just spent my whole adult life trying not to get involved in T-funds And I've been effective at it so far. I've never been in T-rounds or T-funds And I was so delighted when COVID made a T-round illegal. I could go get my own tea I can't get yours. It's not right in private terms. I'm as I'm the same as you. I could go get my own city because I can't get you as it's not right in private terms. I'm the same as you. I don't really like making tea and coffee for other people.

I don't really want other people making tea and coffee for me. I'm just like, I don't have your hands on my cup. We basically don't eat like my wife and I don't make hot drinks for each other. We basically just make our own hot drinks when we want them. That is an excellent system. And it sort of works out fine. And it's not, you know, like I will often offer, and I'll bring a cup of coffee in the morning, you know, but that's the only one I'm doing that day. That's the big one, though. That's a huge one.

You can't coffee up too much, can you? Because I'm like two where it's like different gradations of colour. I hate it. Someone asked me to make them a cup of tea. I just go to places. I hate it. I hate it. Especially if it's a tradesman as well. I don't know why. I just, they say tea, some often. Judging you. Yeah, and you just go, I'm going to get this wrong.

You know, actually the handyman was round a couple of days ago and his order is black coffee three sugars and it's like fine. I can do that. Yeah, that's perfect. I don't have to work at the milk, like, colouring. No, don't have to worry about that. Black coffee three sugars, anyone can do that. That's perfect. That's easy. But when it's like you make a tea and then, and also you know, because when you pick up the tea afterwards and most of it's still there, you go, ah, it's pleased. It's like, but like, especially when you're in an office, going to make a cup of tea is part of the, that's part of the reason you're doing it. It's part of the brain. It's like, yeah, it's like that's the thought of things.

You go away, you're away, you know, it's all that. It's not a nice thing to do. When you're robbed of that, why someone going, oh, I'll get you to it. Then it's like, well, now I've got to sit here. Yeah, I'm sitting up. I don't sit. I'm still standing in the space. Substandarty coming. Yeah. Yeah. The only thing I have to do now is have a poo. The next thing. I love it. I'm in a poo at work getting paid for it. You know, I don't

bother pooing at home. Don't ever poo in your own time if you can ever win it. Obviously, you have to see sometimes. Yeah, she's actually impossible not to. There's never like seven o'clock a night, we're like, no, I'm saving this one. It's like, hey, to the office tomorrow morning. I'm going to go midnight. I'm going to have a few nights.

I think the bus is still running, yeah. It's not my night, it's just fine. Very dedicated, that one very dedicated. She's here again. She's here again. Very dedicated, that one very dedicated, you know what you're using. She went for a curry and she was here for two days. Incredible commitment, absolutely. She's burning the candle at both ends. It's burning, not pretty word.

The only news, the toilets blocked with a can opener, so we haven't found out who the culprit is. That being all staff emailing a passer or staff email that one. The person who has parked there, oh no, and usually they know who it is. It's like just fake to them. But it's not when an error office uses all staff email to basically address Mande. And it's like just tell Mandy Just buy a Mandy no one likes to get rid of her Front her out. So the tea club is usually quite peaceful affair, but

They come to a bit of blows because there's a sugar. You know the big sugars you can get like industrial, you know, tubs Yeah, industrial, you know, tubs. So you got industrial coffee, industrial tea, industrial shish and someone has been taking their coffee granules, putting the water in having a little stir and then putting their sugar in with a wet teaspoon. Oh, yeah. Creating all kinds of clumping. Yeah, clumping.

Yeah, clumping. Distress. All sorts of terrible things have been arising, but yeah, it's traumatic. And so the person is known, and once again, this is the whole using a search challenge crack and not just go up to them, tell them, but the person is known. They've been trying to sort of do it through email. You know, could everyone please put their sugar in first and then they made a sign, a laminated sign. A laminated, of course. A laminated, that shows you mean it, you know, it's this water proof, it's this time

proof, this is forever. And so that, that it continues, this person, clear their method is, no, I want to bet my coffee right and get the coffee grain you're dealt with and then I want to select my sugar. And then it's continued to do it. And it is a constant source of just slightly tense. I feel like I get this and I think, excuse me, I feel like I get this. It's really, yeah, it's got, it's actually, I'm sorry I brought this because it's really like I've got to show you my throws at you at the moment.

Terrible things. But yeah, I feel like, I understand this beef, it is a problem but there's a simple solution and I think if you've got the industrial sized sugar tub, what you need is, it is a problem, but there's a simple solution. And I think if you've got the industrial sized sugar tub, what you need is, you know, like when you go to the bank and there is a pen on a chain, spoon on a chain that is attached to the side of the tub, right? And that is the sugar spoon. It always goes in there. And you can't write what will, what will end up happening is people won't will want to stir with it Right, but There'll be frustrations you've got to make it you've got to make the chain short enough

You can scoop it out you can move it along you can turn it over To dispense the this the sugar into the cup, but you can't then get you can't get it over the edge of the lip of the thing It's cups with liquid in because you need to take the cup slightly to To meet the sugar spoon. Yeah, so it eliminates people trying it on the system So you've got a one yeah, you've got a like a one spoon that is only the sugar spoon It's always there and it's it's permanently attached and I feel like that that could solve the problem so you put it going sugar cubes sugar cubes and yeah that's the only thing as well like more suggestion was going to be like a sugar dispenser so like like like like

like with like with optics in a pub like that like an optic yeah yeah like one of those jars and you have it on the side and then so there's then there's no spoon involved at all. We've taken out the entire spoon to controversy that. Yeah, and what you do there is also buying yourself some, it's a limited space, you know, we're trying to save on all the space we can. We want to be able to skate through this area at some point. Exactly, you're all mounting the sugar. You know, like in a hotel when you get like a bell jar full of cornflakes and you turn a

little dial on the front and you crop the cornflakes into a powder. But it doesn't matter with sugar, does it? Just turn it on the dial. One turn of the dial. One turn of the dial is a spoon of sugar. It's a good system, Tom. I really like it. I think everything you said is all possible

and I don't know how this person who's spent time actually laminating something hasn't thought about these things before getting to a laminator. Wait, think time with the laminator. Yeah, you've moved on to the laminator before you even consider cubes or spoon on chain. It's got it, I think it's got to happen. Do you think, Christina, do you think you care enough about this to implement the chain yourself or you're still going to?

It's difficult, it's difficult because I care very little about much. Yeah, I know. And it's whether or not you're going to start with beer and then with tea then you're not that bothered about it. Come on, but they need to get Simon in love. I'll do it 100% off for a cost-written. And then I'll listen. I mean I'm kind of enjoying the mini-drama because it gives you something in the grey open line.

It's so popular isn't it? It's like kitchen sink drama. Is it you? Are you doing it just to create a bit of fun in the work? I wish I could find a so-say ending where all on is. And just like that, she did it again. She made it, got a fake in the last. I quite like the lumps, the brown lumps.

They've got a sort of flavour to them. You can eat them. My nan used to do that. My nan had silver. You remember some nan's had silver, coffee and tea and sugar. It might just be my nan's. I know what you're talking about. You get them at the church coffee morning as well. Very much that kind of thing. Obviously Nick met from the church coffee morning. She a little bit of coffee in there.

I'm going to have to have a little bit of coffee in there. I'm going to have to have a little bit of coffee in there. I'm going to have to have a little bit of coffee in there. I'm going to have to have a little bit of coffee in there. I appreciate what you've got. I mean, you've been gifted something. You're alive. You've got coffee lumps. I mean, you won't be for that long if you eat that much. I haven't happened yet. Yeah, I'm sure you won't be alive for that long, but sir.

We long die. Right, be solved. We've solved. Thank you. Thank you for that. Well, Christina, thank you so much for coming on the pod. It's been an absolute pleasure having you. It's been really, really fun.

Now, you've written a book. Yes. Do you want to tell us about this? It's. Yes. Do you want to tell us about this? I don't know how I did that, because as you know, all I ever did was a bit stand up and a bit of short forming vise and stuff. I've been visiting this month, come in as well. Oh, amazing.

Captain Tom article, based on that, we met for a new exclusive, they called it an exclusive. Captain Tom would have been delighted to celebrate the Jubilee. I don't know what that is, exclusive. Yeah Tom would have been delighted to celebrate the Jubilee. That is exclusive. Yeah, that's it. If he spoke in that medium, the marks would be using it. Captain Tom Lowe is do you find it?

Yeah, he's got to sound a little nice. He's done some coronation chicken, everyone's invited. So I said to this, would you like a Captain Tom news column? And they went, that sounds in very poor taste, this, would you like it Captain Tom News column and they went, that sounds in very poor text, yes please. So quite Google shows that his daughter has been going around saying he'd be delighted and happy and all sorts of things, about all sorts of things, you know, prospectively so I've written that.

But yeah, somehow I've written a book, it's just sort of happened over a couple of years. It's based on my job doing funerals for people without family or without money and it's based on case by case. So it's a bit like, you know, this is going to hurt. His was diary form though, the diaries of junior doctor. It's more novel like because it's chapters, but it's the same principle. It's just taking you through the job. It can't help but get a bit sort of existential and talk about death, talk about life, talk about everything. But I try to keep it light.

Everyone has read it so far and given a quote for it, it said it's poignant but funny. And that's what I wanted to say. And you put in those words in term, I thought. I accept that. You have to say that for your quote, and then I did. If you want to end up on the jacket, it's pointless. The only other pull quote I've got is, keep tweeting from Peter Simon.

Well I'm putting that on. Got it, that's not what you're talking about. This book is blocked. We'll be able to send bid TV copies of the book. Oh my, this is a gift of a buy. It's pointless. It's exksmits. Yeah.

So you've got a nom de plume, is that right? I do. I don't mind people now, it's me obviously, because I'm a bitty tour on your book. But I kind of wanted to not make it about me, because it's just sort of, there's so many of me around the country doing this job quietly behind the scenes. It's not about me, it's about the job and the stories and the fact of the matter, and letting people know that you don't ever really die alone.

I mean, we all die alone. Some of us just have people looking, but we ultimately are always caught by someone if we can't be looked after by someone else. That's why I always say when I'm talking to anyone who's got family, I always say we'll take them into our care later today when we collect the body because I don't want to talk about the body, I want to say we take them into our care and then they always say they mirror it back to you later because they'll go thanks for looking after them and that's what

you want people to feel. So yeah, it, hopefully not too depressing on topic because I try to make it... It sounds very life-affirming. Yeah, I'm hoping that... I'm hoping to put people off this idea that your funeral is a scorecard, you know, because everyone always goes, I have sad. And it's like, no, not at all, because one of my people, they were 99, and they had ice cream for lunch every day. And they were legend.

Everyone who knew them was like, oh, they were mad. They used to eat their breakfast at the care home. But they had half a melon. And they would just shove it into their face and ignore it. And the nurses were like, they were just amazing. They did it from anything they want they'd do. It just so happened that they were 99 and they outlived everyone. Yeah, that's a sad thing that they've got now.

In fact, if you've got a lot of people at your funeral, probably me, you don't quite young to pass. Probably not what you want. You want, you know, another tundish. But yeah, just to say to people, it's not like any kind of judgment call on you if you have to have this kind of funeral or any it's quiet, it's a woodland key affair. You lived a life whether or not anyone remembers

was there to see it, you saw it and you lived it so. Amazing. That's why I'm a pet cross. What's the book called and where can people find it? Well you know, I'm still wrestling with the title working title when I was pitching it, because at the moment it's going out in March 2023. All right. We're all sort of trying to decide on a title at the moment, I've called it dying moments, and then the subheading is the case road of account, so funeral officer, but we're trying to make it a bit more punchy in the top line. So I'm thinking that ashes to

admin, or something like that. That's really cute. Yeah. Yeah. So I mean, it just gets you because that's what you want. You want the top line is always sort of a wordplay and the second line is usually what it is. So I mean, you know, I would call stiff and then the second line is the history of human cadavers, you know, so it just gives you that punch and then what is it? So I'm really got called stiff as well, but it's got a slightly different shape. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. No, it's what you brought to my magazine, isn't it? Yeah.

It's not a glossy, it's not a glossy one. It has been laminated, yeah. There's some one, there are some one. Probably. You know what I've got. So being very violently laminated on a daily basis. The laminated, that's what he calls himself. The laminator's a liar.

The prisoner. Whenever anyone in the office goes towards the laminator, I have to sing it like gladiators. When they tell me I'm an olemnida, it's just my little bit of fun. Well, people know that at least the guy dip in the sugar in, the speed in the sugar is the second most of my thing. I always feel that I am.

But yeah, if you want to find out about my keeping touch about it, I'm on Twitter at Evie King Rights. So Evie, the name King Rights, the word rights. We'll put that in the show notes of this episode so people can find you there. Thank you so much. Christine, it's been so fun having you on the pod. Yeah, it's like your days. Yeah, it really is, isn't it? It makes you feel young again.

It's, look at how old we got. Well, at least I aged better than them. It's like, well, that lovely guy Garnier. That's what it is. But yeah, well, you know, come back in a year's time and win the books out and tell us more about it. Oh, sure. See you very soon. Thank you for having me, guys.

Take care. You're from the Zoning at your peak. Oh, gosh. Goodbye, listen and dear, I'm Tom. Oh, you're doing it that way, are you? You're recording that pro-wag. I'm Matthew and you've just listened. That was our part!

Yeah, you've just listened to Pappy's Flat Share, Beef Brothers Cold Cuts with the brilliant Christina Martin. If you want to find her on Twitter, she's absolutely fantastic over on Twitter. Obviously follow Evie King writes as well, her other Twitter account, which is all about her book. I'm excited to read it. I can't, you know, it's a year away. It's like this is what happens, though, isn't it? You know, the world of publishing, like the world of filmmaking,

like when you, you know, it's like your movie, Tom, when you're like, oh, I'm making this Crystal's movie, I was like, great, I can't wait for December, and you're like, oh, no, it's December next year. So, 2029. Yeah, they've had second thoughts about the film. Keeps getting pushed back. Keeps pushing back. But no, yeah, it's, so yeah, March of next year, the book is coming out, but as soon as we know all about pre-orders and that kind of stuff,

we will stick the details on the pod so you can grab yourself a copy because it sounds like a fascinating read. It's just, I just think she has a really interesting life. I think it's one of those, you know, just one of those people who obviously are superb stand up. I loved gigging with Kristina. I always thought she was brilliant. She's absolutely one of my favorites. Really funny writing for Viz. But also it's amazing like other life that she's just, you know, you know, she's just in habits and other lives, other people's lives that she inhabits. Totally.

It's a fascinating story and I can't wait to read more about it. So thanks to Christina and thanks to you for listening. Don't forget the Patreon. Don't forget to leave us a review on iTunes. Five stars, I think, is the only day. That would be great. That would be ideal. And also don't forget your pin number. I'll show you what I'm able to. on iTunes, five stars, I think. It's the other day. That would be ideal. And also, don't forget your pin number.

I'll show you what I'm able to. Don't forget your pin number. Don't forget your phone number as well. Don't forget, remember all your fights on numbers. So forget. But guys throw away your receipts and keep your love letters. Today's exercise was produced by, yeah.

That's lyrmin' apparently. LAUGHTER Today's exercise was produced by... That's a little bit apparently. LAUGHTER It was produced by a recording. Gorgeous. Gorgeous. Gorgeous. Gorgeous everyone. Bye!

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