Pappy's Flatshare - Beef Brothers Cold Cuts w/ Ciarán Dowd S10E50

Episode Date: December 15, 2020

The Beef Brothers are here to sort out your beef with special guest Ciarán DowdCiarán Dowd - https://twitter.com/ciaran_dowdPappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetIf you have a flatshare based beef you'd like us to solve then send it to [e-mail] us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareProduced by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman planting her course to free to pat in love for. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Four things. It's like theaters December 15th.

Greetings, listen to deer, I'm Tom. I'm Ben. And I'm Matthew. And if you are listening to this podcast on the day it comes out then tonight we are doing a live Christmas flat share slam down. Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho is right. Breaking news, fresh out the grotto, get on down to Papi's flat share slam down tonight. Online of course, we've got two incredible guests, Josie Long and John Richardson. Oh, yes. It's going to be a good end. It's going to be so good. You can get tickets from eventbrite.co.uk,

eVNT, b-r-i-t-e.co.uk. There's a ticket link on our Twitter at Pappy's tweet. There's on our on our Facebook page, and there'll be one in the show notes for this show. But it's start at 8 o'clock, it's online, you can watch it from the privacy and comfort of your own home and it's going to be really, really fun. So get on down. Exactly right. At the time of recording, we have yet to write the 12 days of Christmas though. So that is pressing. It's Monday morning on the week of the show. You might be able to, maybe you could sniff the doubt in our voice that it is going to actually be a treat. We're never sure of that until

we've got the 12 days in the bag, but rest assured, listen dear, we'll be there by then. Anyway, tell you what you can. You can't sniff those, the advocate on our breath. Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. Already started. Absolutely. You've got it, you know, I consider the advocate to be festive inspiration. It's liquid inspiration in the same way that two-bawg was liquid soundtrack. Big shout out to two-bawg, that is. Big shout out to two-bg.

Let's get into today's episode. It's an absolute treat. Well, before we do, we've had a few messages. I thought you might want to hear, Pary. I'll be the judge of that. So, well, exactly. Yeah, you will be the judge of it. So, this is from Nat via Pappy's Flakshare at gmail.com. If you would like to join Nat in getting in touch, that's the email to do it. Pappy's Flakshare at gmail.com.

And Nat writes, all right, gang, some fancy old school restaurants or clubs have Welsh rare bit or cods row on toast as part of the dessert section. Can confirm it's a great way to end a meal. Cheers everyone! Bayy! Nat! Basically this idea of they're being... I do want to hear that. Yeah I knew you did. This idea of you rejecting desserts in favour of another like another savoury. It's out there man. Posh places do it. I always knew I always had a suspicion I was posh. Yeah.

There's something about the way you carry yourself isn't it? Yeah. I always thought deep down I could be posh. That's just confirmed. Because there's a certain level of posh, right? There's a certain sort of type of posh person that is sort of doesn't care. They've got a kind of a laced fair attitude,

they're that level of posh, that they are, they're almost feral. And I think that's the kind of posh you might be. Lawrence Fox posh. Lawrence Fox posh, exactly. You're like a modern day Lawrence Fox. Thank you. Further, further grist to this mill, from Tom via the same email, papysflatcher at gmail.com, hey gang, I can confirm that it's certainly acceptable to have

a starter for pudding, maybe not socially, but certainly within the industry. I went out for dinner with my family many years ago, a delightful Italian restaurant in Gdalming, when it came to desserts, again, posh. When it came to desserts, three of us wanted one, but my wife didn't. She wanted something, but nothing appealed. When the server came to take our orders out of nowhere, she ordered a cheesy garlic bread. We were shocked to say the least, and ready for an uproar, but the woman serving us simply replied, yes, of course, without batting an eyelid. Five minutes later, three chocolate brownies and a garlic bread arrived. Easy as that. I hope that helps break the taboo,

we can all hop on the starters for pudding, train. Cheers, Tom. This does feel like the start of a social movement. It's a revolution. It's happening. I am the Lord's Fox of the rest of the world. Join me guys, we'll never eat sweets again. I mean, this is a political party

that I can really get on board with. I struggle with politics but when it becomes about a start of a start of a pudding, I mean there. I finish that. Maybe the party's going to be called starter for when? Oh I like that. It's not bad is it? Nothing from Clark. Right, okay, let's get into it. Well, I'd taste of your own melissa, then Tom, isn't it? Oh, now I know how it feels. Oh, real cold sugar. That icy chill up your spine is not festive in any way.

But this podcast is, though, it's really festive. It's a beef brothers cold cuts. It's a beef brothers cold turkey, in fact. Yes, beef brothers turkey cuts with the brilliant here and down to that guest is first ever podcast. So a podcast debut. in fact. Yes, before there's Turkey cuts with the brilliant key and diodes, I guess, is first ever podcast, so a podcast debut. Yeah, very amazing. The young old book. Yeah. So he was the best newcomer at the Edinburgh Festival a few years ago. He's brilliant comedian. It used to be a way, sort of still kind of a member of the sketch team beasts, I guess,

in the way. And the best newcomer, the best newcomer of the podcast. Yes, he's the best newcomer we've had on the podcast. Yeah. So, and that'll be right. So enjoy the way. On the best new come, at the best new come of the podcast. Yes, he's the best new come we've had on the podcast, yeah. Absolutely right. So enjoy the episode, we'll see you on the other side. Well, if you've got a problem, I'm calling a problem. If you've got a problem call me a bee. If you've got a bee, maybe we can help you be from the zoning at your bees.

We'll cut. Merry Christmas, everybody. Merry bloody Christmas. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Merry Christmas. And Merry Christmas to our wonderful guest, Kiran Dowd. Oh, hello. Oh, hello.

Oh, hello. Hello, hello. Oh, hello. You know what, the hello. Very good arrival. Hello is not prefaced with OO enough. In the 70s, everybody was saying, hello.

OO is everywhere. Constant. But everybody was saying hello. It was everywhere. Constance. But ever since now it's definitely, you know, we've got to bring it back. I've got to say I'm sorry for Christmas. It's been a tough year. It's been a really, really hard year for everybody. No more than ever. The country leads an OO L OO. OO L OO. OO L OO. So, Aaron, is it true you're going door to door in your neighbourhood offering OLOs? Yeah, it's my equivalent of carol singing.

So, like, OLO, and then I give you a quid and then off you two. Oh, they give me a quid. They pay me. Perfect. And then I'm off. Halloween. It's exactly the same, Halloween, but they give you a chocolate and it's more of a, ooh. Oh, it's a spooky.

It's a Halloween. Oh, Halloween. Exactly, yeah. We should as well say, it's a one o'clock PM recording and Kirin is deep into a bottle of white wine. Yeah, and why not? It's a Thursday. It's a Thursday. It's a Thursday, it's coming up to Christmas.

I'm feeling very festive. I also haven't done a podcast before, so. Oh, this is your first ever part. This is my first one. I've turned down all the others, and there's been some big ones. Let me tell you. Yeah.

Oh, no, I'm not gonna tell you, because it's really... Please, please, please, let's keep that secret. Well, let's say less than Marin. Okay. You've not had the WTF knock just yet. A round about Stuart Goldsmith. Right. Okay, I can work it out.

You're a Stuart Goldsmith. You said no to Goldsmith. Well, you're going to hate this next question. Kieran, are you happy? Delighted. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course, you've got a bit of a wine on the go. It'd be fine on Goldsmith, are're going to hate this next question. Keir and I are happy. To light. Yeah, yeah. Of course, you've got a bit of wine on the go. Maybe fine on goldsmith, there you go. The problem with the wine is I said to myself,

oh, I'll have a little rum and coke before I do this. And that'll put me right in the mood. But we didn't have any coke. So now, so what I found is I think a five-day-old bottle of wine. Cooking, that was in the fridge. You found the cookie wine. I found the cookie wine, and I'm into that. Listen, a bit of a tang in it.

When you do go on Goldsmith, be careful about stocking up on alcohol first, because we made that mistake. When we did Goldsmith's record, we did our drunk episode of Pappy's first, and we were like, let's get drunk and do a drunk record. And then afterwards, we'll do Goldsmith's podcast, that we're really fun. And by the time we got to Goldsmith, we were battered. And having this kind of career retrospective that got very emotional.

That's what I'm worried about. I'm not ready for those questions. And you know that if somebody, you know, this is very inside baseball, but Goldsmith has a podcast called the Comedians' Comedians' Comedians' Talk about their own comedy. It's very good. And it's a fantastic podcast, but it's good for two reasons. You either hear about brilliant comedians being brilliant about comedy,

or you hear about people talking about themselves in a very pretentious way, which is absolutely delightful. And I think we, well, we were in both categories, depending on the character. From moment to moment, we are still related between both categories. And yeah, I listened back to that. Well, you know, through gritted ears.

I listened to it myself, it was a tough listen. It was a tough listen. No, it really was. So that's why you decided to say yes to our podcast, you thought, well I'll set the bar low to begin with. I'll ease in. I'll use it. I'll use it. It's easier to have opinions about other people than myself. Yes.

Let's start. This is a Christmas, this is our Christmas special, by the way. It's beef, beef brother's cold turkey. Totally, most. Well, I'm a huge fan of Christmas, so this is exciting for me. What's Christmas like for you ordinarily? Forget the pandemic, what would it normally be like? Well, on a normal year I'd be going, I'd be prepping to go back to Ireland

for a Christmas. And so this is back to the old country, back to the old country, the motherland. So this will be the first year that I don't do that. That sounds great. Is Christmas, is that great going home in Ireland? Do you like it? I'm picturing packed pubs, Guinness. There's packed pubs. There's packed pubs, basically. Yeah, it's, yeah. It is. Someone's got a fiddle on the go.

Well, look, there are versions of Ireland and that is not my one. Like that is down the country. I'm sure that is happening somewhere, but in my industrial grey town, it's more a brawl outside than a fiddle inside. Hopefully both. Will you be reuniting with the weird girl from school that you had a bit of an affair with but you couldn't tell any of your cool mates about

because she was the weird girl and you've always held a candle for her. And she's going to be in the pub and you're going to be in the pub and you're going to sort of exchange glances and you're going to go outside and kiss, but if you're frenzy, then you're in trouble. Is that what it's like? There was a bit of that for a certain amount of time. Like, I've been over here for 16 years, I think now. And so in the first, maybe up to 10 years, you would go back and it would be the time when everyone came back and you would go to everyone would go to the same nightclub fusion shout out to fusion fusion and it would be a big night it was always since Stevens night boxing day and

Everyone would go out and you would see everyone you hadn't seen for 10 years That has become less so but myself and my friend Harry are still going. And now it's just become... You're the weird old people. You've become the really weird old guys who are just there for one night of the year. And the demographic has gotten so painfully young now. And we, every year we've got weirder.

So you're the teacher in normal people now. Yeah, every year we've got, we're the, we, we, the one year, you're, you're the teacher in normal people. Yeah, there was, there was two years ago, we decided that's it, we can't go back. It's off. And we just went to the local pub and we, we sat there and we had our drinks and we went out of closing time, but it, Christmas was missing something. It just wasn't the same. It had ended at like 12. We were still ready to go. There was nowhere to go at that point. It really lost something.

So we went back the next year. They were even younger. We felt worse. It was awful. And this year, I guess that, I don't have to make that decision. And I feel good about that. Fusion's been taken out in the equation. You've made the equation.

I'm going to be zooming. I'll be zooming. I'll be FaceTiming Harry on his own infusion. You're trying to try and house party into some random students. Chris was this. There are two kinds of, there are two kinds of fake IDs you can get to get into fusion. One makes you older, the other one makes you younger. And so, here it has to get the fake fake idea, which brings, like, sort of, let's say, 16 years off his age, just brings him right down. Just, just to appropriate.

Exactly. Yeah. I've got a right to be here, guys. Well, hopefully this will be just like fusion, a bit of argy bargy, as we delve into some of the beefs that our listeners have sent us. Thanks to Voniscent beefs in. Tom, do you want to start with yours? I think it's a Boreball beef.

I love the sign of my own voice. Okay, so Boreball beef from Ben via beef brothers podcast at gmail.com, get in touch, guys, get in touch. Get in touch. Yeah, get in touch. It's not rocket science getting touched. Hi, crossbe parry, Clarky and guest. I have a name.

Look, you're a Galdesmith. They just didn't think you'd ever do a podcast. Well, I would guess here and there, but we all know that guy doesn't do podcasts. Sure, fair enough. Long time list that. Most recent Patreon subscriber and first time writing in, we love to hear all those things.

We have a beef that comes up in my family every year. A long time ago, in Bethlehem, I saw the little libel. Li-by-bubbles. Li-by-bubbles. You call it the lonely Bible. Do you fight? You could have the lonely Bible. Yes, like the lonely guide. When I'm traveling around the Middle East,

I take the lonely Bible with me. This stable's got great reviews. A long time ago, when my younger sister was still at school, we noticed when ordering her school photos that you could also order the school photo in a boar ball. Yes please. Obviously mom and I conspired and we bought it. The boar ball is transparent with her photo down the middle appearing on either side. It's a pretty sizable boar ball, you can't really miss it. The argument arises when it comes time to decorate the tree. My sister obviously argues that it shouldn't go up, classic. I believe it belongs front and center on the tree,

awful brother. She often wins the argument, but then I secretly hook it back up on the tree. So you see it through the window, if you come in through the back door. This normally doesn't go down well. I think it should be noted that there are plenty of family and childhood photos around the house,

and my parents have a much earlier and far more embarrassing school photo of me up permanently in the living room. For reference my sister's school photos from roughly age 16, mine is from age 11, we're both in our 20s now. Beef brothers, please give us a verdict, is my sister a scrooge and should admit that having a school photo ball ball up is just some Christmas fun? Are I being mean and no one should have to have their old school photos? I would have liked that for everyone to see.

Cheers everyone, Ben. Ben. Why? Cheers everyone, Ben. Sorry. Did you say cheers everyone, why? Did you have an existential crisis, half point three, then? Cheers everyone, why?

Are you a... Cheers everyone, what's the fucking point? Bye. Can someone check on Ben? Jackie's alright. I prefer cheers everyone, why? What's the fucking point? Bye. Can someone check on Ben? Jacky's all right. I prefer to use everyone, why? That's how we get to end today's podcast. So firstly, I love everything about this.

Yeah, the thing is we've actually got two that are quite similar back to back. So I wondered if we could read the next one and then try and sort of you know We listen, it's Christmas. Let's try and multitask here Okay, you've got to do a lot a lot of plates bidding just before we get into the second one doubt is if you've got a brother's or sisters I've got one one younger brother There we go. Okay, so we've got an older brother giving advice here. I'm yeah your middle. Yeah, I'm a child exactly We're in the middle I'm older. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Your middle child. Yeah, I'm a child. Exactly.

We're in a voice here. I'm older, yeah, yeah. Right, yeah. You've got no youngest, but that's still fine. Okay. That's like, no. No, they've said that very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very My youngest brother was the only one out of the four of us to be a loud sugar in their tea. Isn't that an outrage? That's a... What?

No one else allowed sugar in their tea as kids. Because... It's not because by that point you were all allowed sugar in your tea, as you thought, I imagine you liked him. No, no, we still weren't. What? That's so weird! We've never been allowed sugar in our tea.

The youngest team allowed sugar in his tea, insane when you look back on that. Well, I guess they have... They looked at you and thought, well, they're going to be big no matter what. They're good like the non sugar thing hasn't worked out. They're all big old boys up there. Let's just lay slide. Infra penny, infra too many pounds. Yeah, there you go. So do you have sugar in your tea now? It's like a little rebellious act mom No, mom's nickname for Tim was a little chick a little chick a D So chick a D chick a D was low sugar in his tea outrageous

Outrageous such bias anyway, it's tough. Let's look. Let's not get distracted. No We could go down that, we can go down that route of... But putting this way, spoiler alert, I'm going to be in big favour of having the Sisters' Boreball on the tree. Well, I've told you as well about, I've told you about how I was taking guitar lessons, learning to play the guitar, for ages, and I was desperate for an electric guitar, right? I want to play an electric guitar. Mum and Dad, can I get an electric guitar, please? Because I want an electric guitar.

And they're like, no, no, no, no, not until you've done your GCCs and even then you've got to get the right grades and all this kind of stuff. You can't have an electric guitar. Maybe if you get a job and you save up some money, you could buy your own electric guitar, but we're not getting your electric guitar. One day, one day we're having dinner,

my youngest brother's just whacking knives and forks on the table, just indiscriminately whacking. They go, should we get him a drum kit? And I was like, are you fucking kidding? He's expressed no interest in having a drum kit. They bought him the drum kit. I said, look, I'll tell you what, I'm gonna pay half of this drum kit, and it's gonna be my drum kit to share with him. It sat in his room, he would use it as a clothes horse, he put his clothes over it.

I would take the clothes off, and I taught myself to play the drums out of spite That's the only reason I can play the drums. I want to play the guitar Shit was a sheer spite It was a sheer spite tutorial and you know that is why you went on to write the Christmas song the little drummer boy That's right. It's actually about you and your struggles with your family, isn't it? Every per-rubber pump pump dripping with absolute bile. Peace on earth, can it be? No fucking car, I'm telling you,

buy me an electric guitar. Just a square, come on. Right, let's read Clarkies, and then we'll see if we can. Got a square. Okay, I've got tree beef from Ricky, and this one's via beefbrotherspodcast.gmail.com getting touched that way as well What's up japs?

Was up Chap was very Merry Christmas Here's my beef my girlfriend and long-suffering housemate Molly believes Christmas decks should be modern and classy Think white lights on tree and silver-dusted Holly along the fireplace. I would say silver-dusted holly, not glassy, but let's know it. I, on the other hand, love gaudy Christmas. I'm talking multicolored tree lights, golden red tints all all over the place and silver-dusted holly. To one thing we can agree on. And those cheap foil decorations hanging from the ceiling Which one of us is right? Wow surely Christmas is time to be loud and

Goh rather than cool and contemporary. Cheers everyone. Bye! Cheers everyone. Why? Oh, I tell you what just very quickly before we move on talk about Christmas tree Miss haps has fell over in the middle of the night The smacked I thought someone had smashed one of our windows. I thought we were getting robbed. I don't like the story I don't like a tree falling over that happened that happened to me while I was away in Ireland I came back to a full and tree and my family. Did it make a sound? No, but he knows. But my favourite

decoration was broken. Oh no! Oh no, you know, this put a memory. This puts me in mind of, I say, it puts me in mind, happened to two days ago. My mother, because we can't be with her for Christmas, post us all little baubles of a car with a Christmas tree on top, like strap to the top. And she said, because we can't be driving home for Christmas, we've all got one. So my brother and my brother and chaff and my brother and Liverpool, my sister, up in the middle of the feast. You're the brother, she bought a real car. Look outside

your window. Okay you're welcome. Yeah that's right we all texted thanks for the car but I didn't check. I would love it if If she bought a new Audi TT for my three others, it would be so much more like this, but I have this bobble. There you go, your little drumber boy. No, but when I, as I unwrapped it, I could feel it was fragile, I could hear a little bit of,

and the back wheels are chatted off. Mine was the only one that broke. So I haven't even got my little driving over Christmas ball ball. Sorry to say this mate, but it was broken before she wrapped it. LAUGHTER Oh, God. Get the fucking message crosses.

It was all right, it was all right in the shot. That was. I love those three working ones. Did you see that one that's broken and shit? Can I get that for 50 bit? Right, so let Right, so let's get into these beefs then so. Two big beefs here. Kira. Where do you, right, what are your immediate thoughts

about the big bobble with the face in it and Gordy Christmas decorations? Right. Let's take them one at a time. Let's take the face. Let's take them one at a time. Let's take the face. My instinct is you've got to accept what your face used to look like. That is so true.

I had when I was back in Ireland, back in the motherland, I can feel myself slurring now. Two reasons. One, you're talking about Ireland, two, you pissed at your mind. Twenty past one. Every year we would go and hold a dent to a little house in Kentucky, that my great aunt owned. That was our holiday for the year, but there was one year when I was 12 years old, and we went to Florida and we went to Disney World.

Wow, wait. You believe it? What a Christmas. I mean, I didn't mean to leave that sort of gap or that pause of, and it was Disney World. But, I am drunk and I have forgotten where the story was going. So anyway, I had a nice life. Let's talk about the bubble. But I'm drunk and I have forgotten where the story was going

So anyway, I had a nice life. Let's talk about the bubble That's it. I had a caricature done in Disney World And my family framed it in a really expensive frame with a little border around it and everything and it was pride of place in my bedroom and I hated it because I was an ugly child and this caricature just accentuated as it's supposed to. You were a caricatureist, a caricatureist dream. Oh, he was licking his lips right in the car. I got, Tom, do you remember this on the way we once went on a trip abroad with our youth theatre and the caricaturus was trying to go around the airport, I was like, I'll draw you a picture for so much money

and everyone was like, no, no, no, no, and he pointed at me and went, I'll do this guy for free. That's how much of a caricature is through my one. So he ended up doing all of our caricatures. He did a big character of all of us for free because he so much wanted to draw my ridiculous face. The caricature is smooth. So I feel you're pain mate.

It's amazing that they had it framed. That's really so. Because the framing means you can't take it down. Because they've spent like, at that point, I don't know what it caused to frame a picture. But let's say too much money. Too much money, it is. So you have the price of the character,

the price of the framing, all of that together. This is an expensive bit of kit. It's no pride of place in my bedroom. And I have to look at myself, all through my childhood, and how awfully I am. And it doesn't matter that I get a little bit better looking as the years go by. It doesn't matter that I learn how to start my hair.

It doesn't matter that the braces fix my shit face. Nothing, I still have to look at that like it's a mirror, and it's staring down at me. No, no, no, no. It's the caricature of Dorian Gray. You're getting better looking and that is getting worse. The more you look at it, you get, oh, God, I really look like that. Because there's more distance between you and the caricature.

It's actually quite a useful thing. Yeah, and so that brings us back to the ball, but you've got to accept who you wear, who you've become, and Mary Christmas. Mary Christmas. Merry Christmas. You can't imagine. Are you crazy? LAUGHTER

When you look, I mean, look, a normal bobble. Anyway, when you look at it, it has your face in it, looking shit, right? That's the, and that's everyone's experience of looking at bobbles. You look at any bobble, your face is reflected back in it, and it looks silly. Right. I guess that's true, yeah.

Like, you know, I don't want to get too philosophical about it. I mean, that is so profound. I guess what you hope is that your new boyfriend or your friends don't come around and look, like if they look at it, they're looking at themselves. Whereas with this ball ball, they're definitely still looking at your shit face. Yeah, that's a very good point. It's a good point.

I mean, the thing is, the great thing about going back at Christmas time is that you get to sort of revert back to the kind of the relationships you have with your siblings that you don't really have the rest of the year round. You know, when you're just, you know, checking on your WhatsApp or your having occasional phone conversations

or whatever it is, whichever way you're communicating. When you're all back in the same house, you become like sort of feral versions of your 14 year old self. You're fighting each other, you're taking the piss out of each other, you're playing tricks on each other, you're telling on your siblings to your parents. I think this is all the fun of the fair, this boreball. I think this is all the fun of the festive fair. Exactly. You got the phrase, something to my grist, grist to my... Grist to the mill.

Grist to the mill. This is all Christmas grift to the festive mill. This is exactly... You took the idea right out of my head, Crosby. I love this because we shouldn't solve this beef. This beef is part of Christmas. This is like watching them up its Christmas carol on a Christmas Eve. We can't take this beef away from that people. No, no, no, no, no. Because this is part of Christmas day for them. The Bourbon debate. It can't be solved by us. Exactly. I mean, it should never be solved. This does render the rest of the podcast slightly redundant if we're saying Christmas Beavis should not be solved as that is the central purpose of the podcast right? Let's just wrap this up. Let's get hammered Join me join me yeah exactly right

I'm genuinely tempted to go and crack in Go back to work after this So the yeah exactly if, if we solve this, because look, where's this heading in 10, 15 years time? When your sister's got a Christmas of her own, she's got her own Christmas tree, you're gonna be smuggling that bobble in. You're gonna be sneaking it onto her tree.

It's gonna be all part of like, oh look what Uncle Ben's done. Not only has he bought us some rice. You know, it's all good, clean, Christmas fun, isn't it? I think what the sister in this instance needs to do is not remove the bobble, but put something else somewhere around the house. Make a little model, like an elf on the shelf-star model,

of Ben accentuating all his weirdest features. I mean, I've got to advice you Ben. No, not you, Clark, you're my ferv. Right, this is what I'd say to Ben. Take a picture of you laughing and pointing to the side. Send it to a bauble place. Get a new bauble made of you laughing and pointing and stick it next to your sister's bauble.

So that you're laughing at your sister's ball ball. The fun's just been doubled, my friend. Christmas. Oh, yeah, I don't know. Christmas. Oh, that's Halloween. Christmas. It's Christmas.

It's Christmas. I was working in my workshop. It's Christmas. It's Christmas. I was working in my workshop. It's one night. I don't know what's been said, because I had to go to the door. You went to the door. Of course you did. Was it Chris Cringle? It was, yeah.

It was a boy boy. I apologise for not getting your tree down last night. I was making my Christmas to live a reason. I sneezed on your trees. Oh mate wear a mask So yeah, what I was gonna say is like, yeah, no, I don't know if this has already been said, but it's kind of it's all part of the fun You can't leave and then come back I've got to answer the door and come back like fucking Confucius with the answer We've already called it Christmas Gryff to the festive mill

You can't come in with all part of the fun come that's not a punch up Jesus Christ. How dare you? Clarke, I'm sorry mate. Really regretting ringing your doorbell now Be honest did someone ring your doorbell or did you go to the off-license? Be honest now There's an offlicence downstairs. We know it's very close. The offlicence rang me. It rang my doorbell was like, mate,

you've not been in today, what's going on? Keir and then, so we've solved that one by not solving it. You wanted to do them one at a time. Let's pick through this festive decorations, Gordy decorations. Good thing. Look, I, big thing. Good, good, you think. Look, I don't know.

Would you like us to remind you about it? No, I still know what gaudy is. I can't figure out what I think about this. One of my favorite decorations on my tree this year is an alligator that's wearing a top hat and he's got a little tinsel necker chief and he's disgusting but he's a lot of fun. Where did that book come from? I think my girl friend's mother I think so. I think that's where he came from and I love him

and he's disgusting but I love him because he's disgusting. And so there's nothing wrong with that, that said. I like a nice Christmas, I like Christmas to feel nice, I like the house to look nice. So there's a lot of tasteful decorations around that. I think it's about finding a balance, find a place for the gourd, find a place for the disgusting amongst the nice stuff. If it's full on tack, I think it'll be gross. But what do you feel about the outside decorations of the house?

Because I've just moved to a new street, and it's quite a long road, and we are... If you're walking to our house from the station, you're going bloody hell, this is a nice road, but we are the first house of the shit half of the street. So halfway through the street, the houses all look different and they all changed. And on our half of the streets, all of the decorations are, you know, the big robotic Santa that's waving, the Christmas tree that's moving around, the thing that's projecting like snowflakes all over the house,

that's our half. The other half is the, the, sort of, the dew drop, light falling down from the windowsill, that kind of stuff. Now, next year will be kind of our first year, and we've actually got a bit of a run up to it. We can actually buy all the Christmas decorations in time. Do we go for the gaudy, because I quite like to. You know, who you want to do? The Santa hanging off the roof with his legs wiggling. John, really fully to do. Split,

you're split in. Do half your house gaudy and half your house tight for it. And that way you're announcing to the street. I love it. We are the boundary. We are the boundary. Yeah, we've got a full amount for all seasons. Yeah, I love it. But most of us. And I'm for one season, the festive season. Leave it a four year. Because the other thing is, well, people already go for it on Halloween, but Halloween, all bets are off.

The gaudy, the better, really, on Halloween. Yeah, you want it. There's no Dingo oh I have a dog check out my ding dong. Oh, Halloween Yeah, Diclo exactly exactly. I am, I, yeah, I think my mom has in recent years moved away from buying a Christmas tree or even having a plastic Christmas tree that's been every year. She found like one of those like driftwood that's been repurposed as a Christmas tree, like driftwood painted white and like a sembled up a wooden pole

She's a huge Travis fan. We should say this It's like an arty Christmas tree and that's too far along. I think that is too far. That's almost not a technology Christmas exists That's her vibe Exactly, it's kind of too, you know, and so you need to row it back from there basically. Right. Back into the nautical theme. I should say she's a lighthouse keeper. Sorry, I missed that. My mum is Portland Bill. So for Christmas, I've had the same Portland bill and then I was like, that's too much. For Christmas lights, you just got one very big light that rotates, doesn't she?

That's the only one she's got. I keep saying to her, paint the fucking thing green, wrap things around it. You're on your way? Oh my god, light house people eat around the twist. Do light house keepers do that? Paint there, I think sort of, I don't think they're pretty paint in the bulb in the lighthouse because it's quite useful in the lighthouse, isn't it?

At least not dying. For people not dying. You know, wrap some tinsel all the way around your lighthouse so it looks a bit like a big Christmas tree. Well, I tell you what, I tell you what, Perry, you know, like traffic lights. So they've rappeled it and surround them around Christmas time. I hate you. No, they don't, because that stops people crashing their cars into each other.

They shouldn't, they should keep them all on at the same time. Oh, they should just have them constantly flashing. It did cause an accident. He wasn't very seatbub, but fortunately he'd wrapped himself in so much tin. So what are we saying? What are we saying? Do we go, I mean, my tendency is to go gaudy. I think my wife would prefer, like I've bought a load of sort of crap porcelain figures from home base

with batteries in them that like sort of Victorian men sitting on a park bench, cheers in each other with flaggans while people skate in front of them. Like that's my idea of Christmas. You stick that on the mantel piece, it looks really classy. It lights up looks like a sort of a little festive scene, but Charlie doesn't want those out the body. Well, I think outdoors, you go gaudy.

I think maybe that could be the compromise. Outdoors you go gaudy, that's for everyone to see. You make an absolute state of yourself. The neighbors, you get the kids. That's for the kids. That's for the kids. But inside, you don't have to look at it. Inside, you have the niceness.

And I think that's maybe the way to go and maybe compromise See you're basically kind of fly tipping your decorations Just put on the ship on the outside on the road You were like oh yeah, I mean they're definitely not weatherproof, any of them This is so nice we'll leave it in the street proof that any of them. This is so nice we'll leave it in the street. Um, right, well, beef solved? Double beef solved.

I think it has to be. Yeah. Beef from the sorting I can be! Beef solved! Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman planting her course to freedom at in luck for...

It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Poor things. It's a like theaters, December 15th. Team! Ha ha ha ha! Yeah, it's all bloody hell. My sister is hosting our family this year. Brackets total five people, all adults.

She insists, don't worry, we're not gonna don't we? We're not shopping you in. We're not those kind of podcasters, mate. She is? Who is this from, by the way? Mary Francis. Mary Francis. That's a lovely Catholic name.

From the gorgeous Catholic. lovely, ugly Catholic name. From the old Catholic name. Oh, just, just, via Patreon, please do subscribe, email in if you've got it. He's got all the terms, he's got all the lingo. She insists that all guests are to put their feet up and relax, but I know that if we actually put our feet up and do nothing, she'll be stressed out running around, picking up after us and getting everything done more or less single handedly. Brackets again, her partner does all the cooking, but she does everything else. She likes hosting, and she's good at it, but 2.5 days of minding an entire household will of course be hard work. So how do I sneakily contribute? Help out and

generally lower the stress levels without getting yelled at to get my arse back in the couch or relax. Or is that what she wants? A chance to yell, relax at me while not having to actually watch the every plate herself. And that's the end. I did it all. That's the end. You did a bit... And it's going to just say, a really, really good cold reader.

There's a reason you get so many of those adverts. It's because you're good. Just good, you're good in the moment. You get the source material, you know, very quickly, you get your head around it. Give it to me. I'll give it to you. That's, I love that.

I love that. Acting is reacting. AKA giving it to me. Reading is rereading to you. And podcasting is really podcasting. Absolutely. So day drinking. No, of course, it's not's nice. From December 1st onwards, as soon as Magic FM is playing Christmas

musical day, all bets are off, you can have Brandy for breakfast, don't you? No, I always think like day drinking is like a little bit gaudy and night drinking is like quite classy. I do, my day drinking outside, day drinking in the park. Yeah, on the streets, that's for the kids. That's for the neighbors to see. So we have got an interesting problem because I think a lot of people experience this

at Christmas. Yes. Because, and like, it's a bit, the parents do love it, don't they? They do love to stick it all on their shoulders and say, I'm gonna do all of this. There is a sort of martyrdom to Christmas. Isn't there? There's a sort of self-flagulation to I want to do it all.

And also as well, there's an element of, because I know the one year that we did Christmas, I thought incredibly agreed, I never felt like people were getting into it as much as I wanted them to. You know, you set yourself a bar of like, well, if I'm going to do all the work, I want you to have loads of loads of fun. You're having loads of fun, you're just sat there reading the paper. I want you to have loads of loads of fun. You can't, like, it's a tricky one with Christmas, isn't it?

Because it's very, very hard to please everybody at the same time. You know, it's a time when you realise, hey, we're maybe family, but we are disparate. I've got two tricks here. I've got two... I didn't say desperate, by the way. I said disparate. I said disparate. I've got two tricks, I'd say.

I've got... You're not tricking all, yeah. Looking forward to this. First one, every time you go and get yourself a drink, make sure you get yourself that drink. And as you go in, say, I'm just get myself a drink to everyone else want one. That way, it isn't like, give me that job,

but it means people are always gonna be stocked up with drinks. Lovely. And it's just a subtle way of doing it. You just go, oh, I'm getting myself a drink to everyone else want one. Great. Plus, then you make sure you get to have the line

share of the Baileys. So, you know, like, you control the measures. You know where the Baileys is. So you know like but like that takes away immediately making sure everyone's got a drink from your mom running around. Secondly, eat off your hands more. I like this. Oh, Christmas theatre with Tom Perry's an absolute state. So look, no plates for me, thank you. Pour the gravy straight into my gob. Obviously, with your dindin, that's fine. That's going to be on the plate, no probs. But you know, I'm talking about afternoon evening,

you know, you can have a lot of buffets going on in here, can help yourself, things like that. So the more you eat on the go in your hand at the buffet table, the less you're creating mess for your mom. I don't know how you're kind of shaping this as though this is something you did for the benefit of other people. Really, it's just Tom hunched over the buffet table. Yeah, I'm thinking about mom. I've got a great idea that sort of it takes that one step further,

because I love that idea about eating with your hands. Like, that's great, already eating off your hands. What about this? When you arrive on Christmas Eve, you say, I've got everybody in the house of present, right? Everyone's going, blood-yellow Christmas Eve presents. This is exciting. You hand them out, and you know, like at the theater,

those ice cream trays, you've got everybody one of those and you go, that's you for the day, right? You've all got, you're all carrying round a tray, so anytime you want a drink, you want food, whack it in the tray, right? And then at the end of the holiday, as everyone's going home, you say, hand in your trays, I chuck them in the landfill. That's great. Because it makes it for the crums. It's like one of those,

it's like one of those baby bibs. It's got the kind of, the little, you're basically, yeah, you're given the scoop to every member of the family. And it also means you can have Christmas dinner on the go. So if you wanna have a little wander round the house, why you having Christmas dinner? Absolutely fine.

I don't know about you, but as soon as I've had a bit of Christmas dinner, I always get quite antsy, I want to get up, I want to move around. So I think, a couple of sprouts, I want to do a couple of laps of the house. I've got my Christmas tray. Also, I hate it when mid-dinner you need to go to the toilet and you have to stop, so that way you can get it with you.

Oh, one of the worst things is having to put your food down to go to the Lou. No way. Turkey drumstick, just block it in your tray. Block it in the scoop bib. Block it in the scoop bib, exactly. Okay, yeah, these are all really helpful things that actually improve Christmas as well.

Yeah, not only are you helping your mom, you're improving your own Christmas. I'm gonna take it one step further. In your parent's house, you arrange in November time, or you can't do it now, but in November time, for a plum to go round and plum in six toilets. Six toilets in the front room. So you're all sat on the toilet.

With a scoop tray in front of you. Actually, you barely showed up. We do the litter. Yeah, just a few trays, you've got the toilet. Because they just sort of like, I've eaten prawn crackers on the toilet before. And the crumbs just drip down into the bit between my legs. Your pubes.

So just through the thigh gap. So for this year, Christmas dinner is prawn crackers in the nude on the lav. With a bottle of alias. With a bottle of alias. With a bottle of alie. And it's so not grateful. And it's so not grateful. But I've brought my own prawn crackers.

Clark, you want to see all suggestion? Well, actually, mine, you kind of covered yours. Sorry, you popped out to answer the door while we were saying. Sorry. You just go back. Sorry, sorry. I'm sorry. Fuck. It, sorry, sorry, sorry. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck got a job. Don't make this about you, clocky. Just please, your mum for what's lying. You've got a job. I've been at a job, but you know what? There's going to be

presence for me this year. This year, clock is present to his family as business cards. Can I hand down a business card? It's just a Ben Clark employed. That'll be it. Then a phone number underneath it. Not my number of calls. I'll vouch for you. Just 999. I called the phone an Emily attack answered it.

Kiran, have you ever hosted Christmas? I call the phone and Emily, I attack Anthony. LAUGHTER Kieran, have you ever hosted Christmas? Do you have a host? Do you help out? What's your deal? No, I'm a big helper. I go back... Well, the thing with my thing... The thing with my thing is it's the one time of year that I'm back there. And so I make a real effort. A prodigal son. My mum makes a big effort for me

because it's the one time of year she sees me. Everyone's making a big effort. I make a big effort to do stuff around the house to do all that. What I would say is, what my opinion on this is is just let her do it because she wants to, like it's like I know my mother wouldn't really the belly pipe. I know my mother wouldn't really, yeah, the belly pipe.

I know my mother wouldn't really take. Yeah. Like, you know, she likes a bit of help doing the vegetables in the morning on Christmas day. She likes that, but she also likes her plan. She likes to be doing Christmas the way she wants to do it. And it's her chance to, in a way, show us all how much she loves us and how much all of that. So to an extent, you just let her have her moment of looking after you because that's what she's looking for from Christmas.

That's a very good point. It's a good point. And if you are feeling guilty, employ a bit of stealth helping. Yeah. Stealthing. Or stealthing. Stealthing. Um, yeah.

Stealth on the shelf. Yeah. That's what you want to do. So little, little jobs, they don't feel like jobs, like getting, like, sorting out drinks. Or even just taking out the recycling out of food. Just sneaky. While everyone's watching the film,

you were just, you were just tucking all of that recycling. Go to the bathroom, go this place needs re-grouting. Just get the caulking gun out and do a little re-grouting. Just basically sort of handy-andy the place a little bit. Just go around, do a little, you know, hammering a nail, did that kind of stuff. When we were on holiday, when we used to have families some holidays away, we used to have a nail, did that kind of stuff? When we were on holiday, when we used to have families some of holidays away, we used to have a competition, we'd play golf in the morning, and whoever came last would be drinks boy for the day, and it was your job to make sure everyone had drinks for the day.

Then that evolved. So whoever came second last became sage boy, which was snacks and general errands, and that got problematic because general errands, there's, there's room for abuse there, isn't there? There's, you know, general errands is problematic and it, it, it never, it always caused. But I guess, is that what you were suggesting clock is you go back and go, I'm going to be drinks boy this year or I'm going to say. Yeah, that's generally what I do. I just go like, I'm in charge of drinks. I'm going to be drinking all the drinks, guys.

Well, I mean, like you said, it does help. It does mean that you're top of the list. Oh, I think it's good in class. If I want to drink, I make sure everyone else gets one as well. And until my brother comes round, because he never does anything. And then I'm like, you're in charge of the drinks while you're here. So as drinks boy you are allowed to you can tell

other people you can type it out. I just can do with him because he just he he he'll never he'll never raise a finger otherwise. So it's like I possibly go you're in charge of drinks and then we've had a great time. We'll do it. We've been up on our brothers this this podcast, haven't we? We've really used it to get out of the. Clarke's Clar Clarkies family have a real treat to Christmas. Every Christmas, old uh, Clarkies dad, the slayer, he goes off to the local brewery. This little independent brewery and comes back with a keg of Anvil ale that they keep under the kitchen table. And there's always a

keg of Anvil on the going. Clarkies, he says, aw, it's the absolute taste of Christmas. Is it true that your mum does a keg stand as well? Just after the queen's speech. She's by chance during. But you know what they say? The family that butt shakes together stays together. I wouldn't be the ideal host.

She hosts something. The ideal host pipe. Right, so... Oh my gosh. Right. We love you Louis, sorry. We... that was... that wasn't listen. That's good point. Be here from the sun and I get beat! Do we come to Kearons beef though? Yes. Some Kearons festive beef? Kearons.

Do you have a festive beef that you'd like us to solve? Well. So, as we know, I'm not going back to Ireland. I'm going to my girlfriend's mother and that family for Christmas. Big. Now my girl first time, I've met them a lot, we've been on holdings together, we've done all sorts together,

but this will be the first time. Good boy, you and your girlfriend. Yeah. Okay. Okay, okay. Past friends. Yeah, yeah. So my girlfriend's mother is famously no fan of food.

And Christmas. What? Yeah. We went on holdings last year with a conversation But my girlfriend's mother is famously no fan of food. And Chris... What? Yeah. We went on hollers last year with a conversation of what would your last meal be on... If it was death row. Her's was... Where were you on holiday?

We were in... Alcatraz. And she... She chose a Hammond Shee sandwich from St. Petersburg. Oh no, you're fucked mate. This is not going to be a good name. So that's my thing. So Christmas is in lots of ways all about food, all about the food.

So my question, what I want to know is, is it legal? Can I inflict my wants on another family's Christmas? Like, what can you do in terms of taking over, go, do you know what, actually, I'm gonna, because I'm happy to cook, I'll do all that. But to come in on Christmas even go, oh, that's disgusting, how about I make this? Like, how much can you inflict yourself on another family's, what you do?

Wait, can I ask a couple of questions before Perry gives his clinic? Kiran, let me just ask, what would be their traditional Christmas dinner in that house? Have you got any idea as your girlfriend told you what they might eat for a family that would, you know, that prefers a cheese and ham sandwich to anything else.

Well, she is, well, no, here's the confusing thing because she said a cheese and ham sandwich, but traditionally, normally, she considers herself a vegetarian. So it's a last meal, mate, you've got to let her have the ham. She's about to depart this world, you might as well take a pig with you. So she would want at best and not roast.

But maybe not even that. Like if it was up to her, I don't know if she'd even do that. Right. Here's my suggestion for you, right? You're gonna have a tough time influencing the dinner itself because that's very much someone's kind of that's there. They're the host. They get to say what's going to be dinner. But what you can do is you can in a magnanimous gesture that's going to make you seem very generous is you can say, look, you're hosting

as a treat, ding dong, what's that on Christmas Eve? Oh, you have put in a big supermarket order and it's getting delivered on the 23rd It's a surprise and they'll be like oh my god, what's all this and it's like look that's just my treat to the house guys Let's have a great Christmas. I just want to say thank you for hosting He's a big is some loads of treats for the house and in that supermarket order He's a big, he's some loads of treats for the house and in that supermarket order, there's your big wheel of bry There's your big chunk of gammon All the shit that you know you're gonna need in that house to have a massive Christmas And what the family are gonna go is like, whoa what a generous guy, you know Sticking some veggie patty in there, you know, you're not insensitive

But there's also three packs of fucking duck liver pate. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got sent a hamper, but this morning I got sent a hape is put me in the Christmas mood from from my agents. Thank you to Avalon, shout out to Avalon. Lovely guys. I love you guys. Don't listen to what you heard.

A lovely hamper and in it there's some wild boar patty and that'll be coming. Yeah. They can't have been any whining that hamper like because you're drinking five day old water. You're drinking the cooking wine from the fridge. I'm saving, there was a bottle of wine I'm saving it for a girlsman. And these old songs got a funny story. It's near about Avalon buying Christmas presents, where he got a hamper from Avalon.

And he was like, oh my God, that's so nice, they sent me a hamper. And he was gigging that night with Frank Skinner, who'd also signed with Avalon, and they'd bought him a boat. Is that true? He didn't. He didn't.

He didn't. That doesn't sound true. But Frank Skinner is the younger brother, so. I swear, I swear, I'm gonna tell me that story. I really believed it, but now that I'm retelling it, it seems big, but it's not impossible. It's not impossible. I mean, it wasn't like an iPad.

But like, you know, Frank Skinner would have been with Avalon by that stage for like 15 years, would have done, you know, he would have played Wembley, you know. He's earned a boat. Tens of times over.bley, you know. He's earned a boat. Tens of times I've ever, he's earned a boat. He's earned a boat. But I think a boat, can you get someone a boat

as a present? It feels like too much of like, what are you gonna do? It's like balls, I just need, it's like if you win a boat, you're fucked, aren't you? Yeah. What the hell are you gonna do with it? You sell a boat.

I mean, talking about how good I am at sight reading, one of the ads I turned down was for a gambling ad. Good for you. As soon as a gambling ad, it ruins lives. I mean, I do it all the time, but it's ruined your life specifically. It ruins lives. It may be ruining mine. We'll wait and see.

But I said no to it. And it was so much money. And James, who is in the sketch group Beasts with me, he was in a waiting room for another advert and they were talking about how nobody gets paid that much for Advert anymore, except for this one that his friend and the guy he was talking to his friend had both gone for this gambling ad. I turned it down, his friend then got us. And the guy said, yeah, do you want to know what he did with the money? He bought a boat.

I could have had a boat, guys. I could have had a boat. I don't know what I would have done with it, but I could have had it. Are you sure he didn't, um, wasn't that wasn't the actual payment? We can't give you any cash, but we can give you this boat that Frank's going to doesn't need anymore. My stag do was on a boat, wasn't it, and we were all set on the boat being like, this is amazing, for such a glue type, it's so great being out on a boat. We should do boats more often and here, we're just at this thousand yards there and just went, I could have had a boat.

I'm gonna like, what? I could have had a boat. There's gonna be a real rosebud moment for you at the end of your life when you're just gonna say the word boat. Roat boat. So what do you say? I think that might well be beef solved there, you know? Roat! Roat! Roat! LAUGHTER So what do you think, I think that might well be beef solved there, you know? It really chimes with me this beef because I, uh, I too, am doing the exact same thing,

spending my first Christmas for my girlfriend because I can't go home for it. And, um, what I've resolved to do is just tell them things I want to do are like a family tradition of mine. Break their hearts. Yeah. So for example, there's an NFL, my NFL team's playing that night. I'm gonna be a family tradition for us,

is always to watch NFL. I think it's like a great get out clause. It's like a good once. Our people are gonna believe that? Does the NFL always happen on Christmas Eve? Little, little, little, little, little Nana Clark sits down every year. She loved the New York Giants. She's such a big fan of the New York Giants, my Nan.

I mean, that's a good idea though. I've had to say anything off as a tradition, can't you? There you go. It was a tradition, your idea. Tom's idea is an absolute, it's a belter, definitely. Because it involves a level of generosity that they can't, and it doesn't have to be showy, does it? It's just generous.

It's Christmas. It's Christmas you're going to look, you're being so kind, you're giving me, you're letting me stay here for Christmas, I can't go back home, just to make it feel more festive, I've got you all this stuff. And if they're not using the oven for anything really, then yeah. Stick the hand in there. I think go for it in these three.

I like it, I think it's good, I think, I think we take that. So, I'm bringing a hamper and I'm telling them that my family tradition is not to eat a shit dinner. Yes, you may want to just slightly write on that line, but basically the, the, the My family tradition is not to eat a shit dinner. Yes. You may want to just slightly rewrite on that line, but basically the, the, the essence of that is true. And Keirin, thanks so much for coming on the podcast. Guys, what's three? Do you think now you're ready to do goals, Miss Pod? No. Listen, there's a future in podcasting for you here in day. That was that was an effortless

day. Yeah, gorgeous. It was wonderful. It was absolutely wonderful. So nice of you to say. Mary Christmas. Mary Christmas, everyone. And now you can spend the afternoon celebrating. You know, podcasters. I don't know what to do with the rest of the day. Now that I'm in this state. I'd say what? Now you're a podcaster. You're gonna, you're gonna make so much coin mate. You're gonna be able to buy you're gonna be able to buy like 15 boats. The old podcasters dilemma, what do I do with the rest of my day? Be from the starting of your business! Wallop!

Bosch can't argue with that. You cannot argue with that. So festive. Immediately festive. Great festive app. Love that. It makes me, it really makes me want to go and drink a bottle of wine in the middle of the day. I'll do that. So festive. A immediately festive. Great festive app. Love that. It makes me, it really makes me want to go

and drink a bottle of wine in the middle of the day. It just, you know, there is a man who knows how to live. He knows how to live. What else can we tell you? Oh yeah, one more message, one more email. This one from Steve, this time. and it says it's, it's, Pappy's ruining my wife's day. We will do that. As I stroll around the house listening to Pappy's on my mobile Bluetooth speaker,

chuckling away, why wouldn't I? I remembered my wife had a video meeting in the home office. Oh no. As I walked towards the door of the office to close it, still holding the speaker, Matthew bellowed, Rubberlittle, Rubberlittle bit of meth on his anus in the neighborhood watch segment. My wife slammed the door just as I reached it and glared with fury at me through the glass as I laughed my face off, day ruined. I look forward to reading her review on the podcast app, Steve. Well, thank you, Steve. Apologies to Steve's wife, but I would stay tuned if I were you because it's a very strong neighborhood watch roll call just after this. No meth this time, but no, but if you want to enjoy it, the purest way, do rub a little meth on your anus before you have a listen.

Butler white wine, load a meth on the anus. Let's hope she's not a doctor, shall we? Who knows that could be the new vaccine? It could be. Easier to store. So the other thing we should say is the Patreon as well. Goes from strength to strength. Flat share lockdowns really, really fun. If you wanna listen to full episodes of Flat Share lockdown, you can do so at patreon.com,

forward slash pappies, flat share. Leave us a review on iTunes. Yeah, go and follow us on Twitter, all of that kind of stuff, but most of all have a very Merry Christmas. Exactly right, we love you very much. This episode was reduced by Emma Corsham. Corsham to team! Cheers everyone! Bye! Cheers everyone! BYE!

Alright everybody! Alright everybody! Alright everybody! Please be upstanding for the Patreon neighborhood watcherroco! Oh yeah! Listen I'm been uh yeah! Yeah listen! Yeah, listen, I've been yeah Yeah, listen he's a real Gent his name is Richard Kemp. He's an asshole

Right listen, okay, all right, okay Oh god fucking hell Um, oh god fucking hell. Um, he's dick, ways of tongue. He's Andy Richardson. He's a priest. He's a priest. He's a priest.

He's a priest. Yeah, he's a nice guy. Nice guy. He's a good guy. We say that in jest. Richard Kim, Annie Richardson, good guys. We say in jest, but he's a real pro. I'm going to.

Yeah. Yeah. He goes out rambling. His name is Chris Hamlin. He's a knob. He's a knob. He's a knob. He's a knob.

He's a really nice guy though. He's a really nice guy. He's a great lad. I'm going to be wrong. He got nicked by the old Bailey for being a rea, or cunt. It's Patrick O'Maili. It's Patrick O'Maili.

He's a real nice guy. He's a good man though. He's a good bloke. He's a good blo guy. He's a good man though, he's a good bloke. He's a good bloke, absolutely. He's a good bloke. I think he's really great and his name is David Wight. He's a car. He's a car. Oh no, he's a good, he's a good, he's a good man.

He's a good man, he's a solid egg. He's a good egg, he's a round egg. His loin's a very fertile, it's Gary Eli's fertile. He's a car. He's a lovely little lad. He's a good man, don't listen to that. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, he's a good, he does a lot for the armed forces, he does a lot for the army. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I love the armed forces. Okay, here we go.

She is my favourite soldier, La Belia. Co-Jut. Co-Jut. Clarkie got a nice thing, he's a legend. Oh yeah! Yeah! I want Sora to appear and name his KB. Oh no, don't be on the floor. Oh no, be on the floor.

Well, when you got a go, you got a go. I heard that from King though. He's a prick. He's a prick He's a prick Nice guy. That's what a good guy. I can meet someone who do me for that. Kate B. King Mo. Lebedger Coddoa. Oh good eggs. He pays a decent wage. His name is Thomas Page.

He's a car. He's a decent wage. His name is Thomas Page. He's a car. He's a lovely lad. He's a good man. He's a good man. He's a good man. Come on. He wants Scott his dick out on a cruise liner. It's Rob Reiner. It's Rob Reiner.

Put it away. Can we just say this is, his name is Rob Reiner, not Rob Reiner. The movie director who did this is final tap. Yeah, that guy's never been on a cruise in his life. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, yeah, yeah, keep it up. Um, he's always skimming and planning and his name is Ben. Brandon, he's a prick. He's a prick.

He's a prick. I love a prick. I love a prick. What a good prick. What a good, he loves to get in fights. His name is Arley Knight. Nice of the realm. Nice of the realm.

He's a Knight of the realm. He's a good lad. He's a good lad. I'm gonna tell you the truth. He's a rotter in it. He's a good lad. I'm gonna tell you the truth. He's a rotter in it. He's a nice other realm, he's a good lad. He's a good lad. I'm gonna tell you the truth, he's a rota, isn't it? He's no risk, isn't it? He's a rota, isn't it?

Yeah, he's a rota, isn't it? Yeah, he's a good lad, actually. He's a good lad. Cheery, I'll be back soon, yeah. Um, he's politics moderate, he's named his Luke moderate. Very nice. I'll disappoint myself with that one there. He's a lovely boat.

What's that you need to take it to a doctor? What is that? What is that? Seriously, Libby, what is that? What is that? What is that? Seriously, Libby, what is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that?

What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that?

What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh 8 And that's the cat dance Yes the cat

As much as we're prepared to do that guys 10, 9, 8 Roll call You are a lovely people Yeah Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes Four things is deliciously funny

And spectacularly entertaining. A woman plotting her course to freedom at a lot more. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Poor things. It's a like theaters, December 15th.