Pappy's Flatshare - Beef Brothers Cold Cuts w/ Dan Cook S13E17

Episode Date: May 29, 2023

The Beef Brothers are here to sort out your beef with special guest Dan CookDan Cook's Twitter - https://twitter.com/dancook100Dan Cook's Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/a_daniel_cookPappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetPappy's Insta - https://www.instagram.com/pappyscomedy/Support us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareFind tickets to all our live shows here - pappyscomedy.com/liveEdited by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Greetings, listener dear, I'm Tom, I'm Ben. I'm Matthew and welcome to another exciting episode of Pappy's Flat Share Beef Brothers Cold Cuts. That's right, what a title and what we do. It's the first time you've heard it, isn't it? And what do you think of it? It's taken me right by surprise. It's one of those titles that just keeps on coming and I love it. Yeah, there's plenty of it. LAUGHTER I mean, let's face it, you've heard the title,

you've got your money's worth already, haven't you? Thanks for listening. Right. It's a podcast in itself. It's a real page turn, or if I... It's a real... Yes. Anyway, be for this cold cuts, is where we have a brilliant comedian on from today's

comedy circuit and we can be through and this is problems and we solve them and they help us and today is no exception and what a guest we have today to be at. We have the brilliant Daniel Cook on. Yes. Very excited, very excited to let you hear Daniel Cook. Solving some beef with us, absolutely brilliant stand up, but before all of that, we've got some exciting news guys. Oh, here we go. Now obviously, if you have a beef, you would like us to solve.

You can email us at beefbrotherspodcastactualmail.com. But do you know what Matthew, I find emailing such a chore. When someone says you've got to write an email. No. It just feels like more of what? It's admin. I've got to take a half a day, I've ice a right to write a bloody email.

You want to get the phrasing right? You know there's none of the spontaneity. You spend hours. I'm a verbal man. I'm a verbal guy. It's absolutely. It comes out my mouth. That's where I want it.

I don't have to go out my mouth all the way down my arms to my fingers and then onto a screen. Well Tom, I've got some great news for you. You're gonna be absolutely delighted with this news. We have just created a beef hotline. You can phone this number. Yes, a beef brother's cold cuts hotline. A Beef Brothers Cold Cuts Hot Line. Oh my God. You're joking, man.

I wish I was joking. I've never been more serious in all my life. We've received a text message that you'd set up and beef Brothers Cold Cuts Hot Line. How genuinely did he know how to respond? So you didn't dig it, you didn't respond for a few days? I'll tell you now. I'll tell you now. I'll tell you now. It's not just you that doesn't know how to respond.

I would say literally everybody I've told about it doesn't know how to respond. So the phone number is 0208123372. That's the phone number you want to call 0208123372. We're finally on the phones. We're finally, we've finally got a land lion Tom. That's what we've got. This is like the Disney days of the PO box.

I can't believe we finally got it. We've got analog finally. Yeah, finally we're analog. We've had a few messages in already. Here's the first one. Corson would you like to play as the first one? Hello, this is Matthew calling just testing at this works. All right, speak to you soon, bye-bye.

OK, so that was the first call we got. That was me testing if it worked, and it definitely works. And then this was the next call we got. Goals, goals, goals, goals. Goals, goals. Oh, hang on. So that was someone saying either goals or goals or goals over and over again and then saying I'll hang on. Gold, it's gold, mate.

Was it gold? Yeah. From our podcast. Well, I mean, it's not a great line, is it? I couldn't, yeah, I couldn't make it out. I was like, what the fuck is this guy saying? Goals, yeah, couldn't make it out. I was like, what the fuck's this guy saying? Goals, girls, goals. He's saying, goal, goal, goal in these, as I'm saying.

Okay, well, thanks very much to that anonymous caller. And then that's all we've had. And that was on the first day I set up the phone line. And I put it out on Twitter, put it out on our Patreon. We've had nothing since. So folks, we've had a few people who've called up and then hung up on us. I'll say one thing, it's a bit confusing because you can't leave an outgoing message.

So it doesn't explain that it's the brother's beef hotline. So you just hear like this person can't come to the phone, leave a message. But that's what you want you to do. So that's why I'm putting out on the podcast, what we can explain it. Call today, call O2081233272, and leave us a message with a beef you would like us to solve, and it may be used on a future episode of this very podcast. And if you haven't got a beef, just ring up and sing gold, gold, gold, gold. I don't do that. Gold, gold, gold. I don't do that.

Yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha some twat singing, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go selling like absolute hotcakes. Do you want to talk us through who we've got coming on when they are? Yes, Clarky, go for it, but hey! Clarky boy. Oh, yeah, absolutely. I'll do that. But before I do, I'm just going to say a few words. Oh, yeah. Gold. Gold. Gold. It's a compliment. I've got them right here. We have on the 12th of June, Josh Jones and Sophie Duker. Oh, it'll be a butte. And on June the 27th, we have Tom Davis and Esther Manito. Two fantastic guests for each show, totalling four fantastic guests. I would say that is four more

than we've had fantastic calls to the beef hotline. LAUGHTER But I'm gonna burst it with the beef hotline for another couple of weeks before we eventually shut it down. Where did you get the advice from to set up the beef hotline? Does it work for other people? Does it work for other people? Yeah, does someone say like what you need is a hotline?

I was thinking like for some people it must be tricky trying to put all their thoughts into an email, it must be like a, it must be a bit of a fath, basically, to do it. So I thought, what would be easier is if you could just call up and leave, like people are very keen on these voice notes these days on WhatsApp, right? I was thinking how can you do that

that we could play on the show? And I thought that was the way to do it. So are we the first podcast to have a hotline in that? They think we might be actually. In that regard. We have said you would leave on. We do. No, they've been other podcasts that have had hotlines before.

I'm sure of it. Don't know, Matthew. Don't know. I'm sure of it. And we can't be the first one. I mean, I think we're going to be the podcast with the shortest hotline in the it starts this episode and I don't know if it'll still be here next week for this call cuts but

can I ask are we legally allowed to call it a hotline? To find that cold line. Yeah I mean I think the list that decides whether or it's a hotline and currently it's not a hotline there There's nothing hot about it. A test. Someone saying go, go, go, go, go, go, oh, wait, hang on. And then, and then, three missed calls. Nowadays people set up what's up, you know, the, the. Well, all right Tom, I'll tell you what, we'll give out your phone number. If you'd like to leave a WhatsApp voice note, you can call Tom Perry on this number now. Yeah, but listen, it's just a new way.

It's just a way of sort of making it a little bit more, you know, what? I for one, love it. For our listeners who may be, find writing a little bit tricky, or you know, don't I? I loved it so much. I called up and sang girl, gold, gold, gold, gold. I will say one thing if you do call up the thing. Can you please enunciate because my hearing's not what he used to be. No. No.

What a time to sell up a hotline. Just hearing stuff. I just was like, going deaf. I've got a hotline and also a hearing aid. And it goes directly to my loop system. But anyway, yeah, get your tickets for the shows. They're going to be at the Phoenix starting at 7.45, June 12th, June 27th. If you want to come to both shows, there is a link to tickets for both shows at a discounted rate. And of course, if you're a Patreon member,

you can use the promo code, which we're not going to leave it now. It's only on the Patreon, a promo code that gets you discounted tickets to all of the shows, including the double ticket. You can even get a discounted version of the double ticket. We're throwing it away. We'd love you to be there. Tickets are selling fast already. Please do come along. And even if you can't make it long, do give us a call in the hotline to tell us. Because I'm actually eating my heart out watching this Skype thing. There's also, I think there's a way, if you're, but by the way, this is going to, so it's on Skype obviously, you know, because I think there's a great time to be getting into Skype as we know.

It's like, I'm very tired. Skype's where it's at. But if you search for brief brothers podcast, actually mail on Skype, you can also just use it, call us via your Skype connection as well. Oh, I can't believe I'm doing this. I can't believe you are even. Oh boy. Well, listen, I know when that hot lime ring, that can only mean one thing and it's time

for another exciting episode of Bappies, Flat Share, Beef Brothers, Cold Guts. This time with Daniel Cook enjoy it Oh crossby sings throughout the whole episode so do I Do some close harmonies work on it we're gonna do some distant harmonies Feels very similar to Clarky slow time quick time Jake Yeah, but I'm bringing it I'm bringing it a fresh angle fresh angle Or a stale angle if you would Hello

Hello I think I've got everything right here right in. Right in front of me. You two best mates in the guest. I should hope so. Ben's on it every week. Yeah. B-b-b dolmeo at the other day. Oh, no. You look a bit like one of the puppets. Is that what that was? Oh, yeah.

Sorry, are they getting rid of the puppets? Or have the puppets been gone for a while? There are puppets in it. And were you doing a voice of a puppet or were you being a human being interacting with the puppets? Oh, yeah, the latter. My brain was a work into what would you be casting cookie as in the dolmeo adverts in corporate and the puppets. Oh yeah, the latter. My brain was a work into what would you be casting cookie as in the Dalmyo Adverts in corporate in the puppets.

And I was thinking what you could do is a scene where you're around the table and the puppet family around the table and they're like a grandma, a grandma and grandma's like slumped. And it's like what's happened to grandma? And they play like grandma's dead. And then you pan up the strings and the puppeteer cookie is so enjoying a bowl of dolmy Opasta and he's not operating grandma and then someone nudges you and he like oh sorry today

It's the day and then he starts operating grandma and then down on the table. I was like grandma's back So what you think is like the blood is actually just him all slopping out of it's drip down It's all slopping out of Cook's mouth. It's all just the rago sauce. He's a sloppy puppeteer. You've always said it. I'm Daniel Cook. I'm represented by PBJ and I'm reading for the part of sloppy puppeteer. These are my hands. You'll need to see those? These are my hands, you'll need to see those? Already covered in sauce. Don Mio's loss is Pappy's day. I thought what they could do is, you know, like have one of the Don Mio puppets dating

a human being, and it's a bit of consternation in the family when the daughter brings home a human man. It's not a puppet. Yeah, and it's all about actually, it's a wonderful story about tolerance. Yes, and then like a really graphic sex scene. They're pouring sauce over each other. You can't get out of a puppet though, can you? So thank you very much for taking time away from your busy casting schedule to come and do this podcast. It's a pleasure to have you on. When you're not out and about or self-taping, what kind of a person are you to live with? Oh, I would say I would say that I am a good

person to live with in that from the outside people might describe me as annoyingly tidy and clean. However, I would use those skills as an opportunity to teach other people to how to live their life properly and to how. Like Marie Condos. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. In a sort of a passive-aggressive Marie Condos. Is this dirty plate sparking joy for you, is that way you look there? Is that sock?

Is that sock on the floor really making you happy? I love it. It did for a while, yeah. I've got to do it. Maybe really happy last night. Leave your sock on there. It's starting to operate itself. It's like you stiff. I'm a clean tidy boy.

You're a clean tidy boy. Is your housemate partner, are you on the same plane? She's very close to reaching perfection and with a number of years. In a couple of years. You see here as a sort of Eliza do little figure. You know, you're the professor, you're slowly molting her in your own image. And then once she's ready, I will let her go. You'll unlock the doors. You're at least to a branch of habitat and she can sort herself out. We can say, can't we?

Because I think she's talked about you on the podcast before, but it's Rose Johnson for the birthday girls. Yeah, that's the one. Comedy's best kept secret. The nose and Daniel, finally it's out there. We can reveal they're on again. For now. Shall we get on with... Sorry, go on.

No, no, sorry, I was just saying yes, that is my wife. Do you want to do another take of that with slightly more... It means you have to... You know, just play with it. I'm done with your cook, I'm reading for the part of sloppy husband. Beeth from the starting like a bee! This is a beef that arrived for us all via Beeth Brothers podcast at gmail.com Get in touch via email.

Ian did. Get in touch. He used the old internet. When lifelong friends endanger your children beef. Here we go. Dear puppies and esteemed guests, forgive the click baity title. I will not, it's a great title. And one we should use to get more listeners to the pod. Is it worth us getting some kind of bus shelter advert? I reckon if we put that in a bus shelter, a few people have come our way. Well, you really want to capture that,

but people who want to see children in peril, demographic. It's not up in the advert, if you like. Absolutely, we've got, there we go. He'll do it for mates rates. Perfect. He's one of Britain's best advertisers. You should put him to use what we've got him. Clarkies, Clarkies, Clarkies,

Clarkies being puppeteer to an advert, haven't you? Your first ever advert, you're a frown. Oh, yeah, I saw that. You're a puppeteer to an advert. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, you know what, together we can make this work. All we need now is the money to pay for the advert. Please join our Patreon, folkspatreon.com,

for us, that's Paffys Black Share.com, forwards-paffes-batcher. Sorry, I lost track of that. Are we paying Ben and Dan to go and stand in bus shelters? Talk about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just out about, it's a day-dream children.

Right. Oh, you want a bit of a delay? Yeah. I'm on a slightly crapper internet. I also had just had I had like a three-second rest as well. Yeah, yeah, it's not all delay. I don't know, genuinely just gave myself a little three-second thought to steady the ship and then on we go. Dear Papis, the beef requires a bit of contextual information.

I'm a dad to a young family, a three-year-old and a one-year-old, good gap. He didn't say that, I did. My wife's closest friend is called, let's say Clara. And Clara has her own family with two young kids of a very similar age. Our kids are all friends. My wife and Clara have been friends for about 15 years and have always been very close, more so now that they are in such a similar stage of family life. In fact, I've been friends with Clara's husband Eric since we were at

school together as well. Recently, a beef has arisen and is causing a massive issue within my family. Simply, every time we see them, my whole family gets sick. Their kids pass it onto my kids and my kids spread it to us. My one-year-old is normally a good sleeper, but at the moment, he's awake every hour or more with a horrible hacking cough, screaming his poor little voice horse. The last three times we've seen them, that's the last three times they have been ill and it has passed on to us. As for why they are always sick, Clara and Eric's family

live on Eric's dad's family farm, where Eric works and hopes to be a part owner one day. The illness situation is being driven by the fact that they live in odd temporary housing which is basically two port of cabin stuck together. They were meant to be there for 18 months whilst a cottage got built on the farmland, but have now been there for over three years and there's been no physical progress on the construction of the cottage. Fucking hell, this bean's got plots within plots. Yeah.

It's turned into some kind of faggot. It's like John Steinbeck novel. The place they live is putting around the shackle. It's more like an episode of Emma Dale, I think, actually. Oh, you're right. We could be more high-falutin than that. The arches. OK, so the place they live is pretty ramshackle

and stinks of damp to the extent that they gave my daughter a soft toy on her birthday, and that smelled of damp. For some extra background, well, I don't think there's much more background. For some extra. Take three seconds, Farad. For some extra... For some extra... Take three seconds, Farad. Three seconds, Lord. For some extra background, Eric's grandfather was born in Northampton to a father...no, I'm joking. For some extra background,

we've recently moved house to be closer to friends and family so a 1 hour away instead of 4. This creates an increased sense of duty in us meeting up. My wife and I are kind of stuck for what to do on this. She can't really stop seeing her friend. She can't really ask, are you sick? Every time they float the idea of meeting up either. But at the same time, I'm growing increasingly resentful at seeing the suffering they keep putting my little ones through. Cheers for reading Ian. Right, he ho, there's a lot to unpick there.

No, I should have got sponsored for a read like that. Come on. What's the show? It's a gorgeous reading though, Paris. I love your job. Yeah, it was a good reading? It's a good... It's a gorgeous... A gorgeous reading though, Parry. You did a lovely job of it. Yeah, it was a good... A lovely job of it. It was good. Dan, what are your immediate thoughts about Ian or his family or his friends?

Well, my immediate thought just... It was... It was called social services for one because it sounds like one of the families are living in absolute squalor and the children need to be be need to be put into care Okay, all right. Yeah, sure. Yeah, that's one I've got another thought a great way of stopping the your kids getting sick off their kids. Is that their kids removed?

Yeah, or you just pick a certain activity that will shield germs, e.g. Zorbing. Oh nice. Yeah, no, we're talking. What you fancy doing? We're always podcast vibe. Yeah, let's all go Zorbing is much more avai than put the children into care. How about you put the children into care and then go zorbing. Yeah, I'll zorbe the children into care. Yeah. I mean, that is true, actually.

If you can work out places they can go because you don't have to go around there, and then have to come around yours. I think definitely open air better yet if it can be zorbing or a mask that they're starting. A mask grade ball, yeah of course, yeah like Bridges in or something like that. Do they still do? We don't want to invite the squall of family to the masquerade board. Bring out the hazmat suits. And now sing, Lady and Sir Damp. Oh, I hope Mr. Damp doesn't ask me to dance tonight. We'll actually am into this. Yeah, now you've made up a little act of that whole situation. Oh, I hope Mr. Damper doesn't ask me to dance tonight. Well, actually, I'm into this.

Yeah, now you've made up a little that time in the whole situation. It's just a shame people couldn't see that you were really inhabiting all of those different characters there. It was amazing. I really felt like I knew the woman who doesn't want to dance from Mr. Damper.

I think that... Well, we've all been there. Yeah, we've already read the Mr. Men book. The thing I thought was the sumo wrestler suits. You know those big sumo wrestlers. They steal that. Just hang out on a stag do. Take the damps on a stag do basically. Do you see some ultimate frisbee as long as you make sure you're dead on each frisbee every time? I think that's the thing. It feels like, I mean, the sort of reality of the situation is you've got a one-year-old and a three-year-old, I've got a one-year-old and a three-year-old.

They're always ill. Just get what happens to kids. Kids are always ill, right? Crosby, are you Mr. Dump? Farmadump, that your service, yeah. Kids are always going to get sick, but there are things you can do to, you know what, just get, like, get them to do like a slip and slide, but instead of washing fairy liquid, it's a total. Yeah. I'm not kidding. It's not a total screaming. It's a total because full of debt all. Water fight. Open wide. Open wide.

Here's an issue. This is starting to occur with us. We've made some good friends. You know, when you have to hang out with a lot of parents a lot of it's quite hard work but occasionally you'll hit like a doozy and go like oh I'd hang out with you even if you weren't a parent so we've kind of landed that recently and we're like, we're in. But increasingly their kid does like hurt our kid. And what's the cost because I'm really enjoying hang out

with the parents. Zorbing. Zorbing again. Can't punch through a zorb. Yeah. Well, I don't know about this kid. I mean, we're not meant this kid yet. Yeah, although they could sumo the shit out of the way that is sumo. I would say in that instance don't do the sumo but yeah definitely goes awing.

What about if I have trampoline Velcro walls? Sorry Dan, you go. Oh God, love a girl, one of those. The oil, they with a dream. Yeah, you can never get high enough though. You'd always think, right, I'm going to reach the top this time. You'd see where you'd stuck and you'd do two feet off the ground. You may as well have just walked up to it and pressed yourself against it.

Yeah. Did you, I don't know whether, well, I'll just say it anyway, we were in the park a couple of years back, um, me, Rose and like, Camille James, uh, BT, Sam, so they're, for people are listening, they're, um, that wants my wife and they are how would you describe them friends and partners and their their wags yes and a few other people and BT and Sam's a little girl maybe who must have been about two years old at the time. And Harry Dean's way, have... OK, yeah. Oh, that's the story.

No, no, no. Harry Dean's way, again, a bit of context, is a stand-up comedian... And a local character. And local... And yeah, and circuit character. Circuit eccentric, I think, is a nice way of putting it. Yeah. And he was having a kick about in the park.

I don't know, maybe who's kicking it to, doesn't matter who. Went kick the ball, that was bouncing towards him. Spun round to kick it, but instead of kicking the ball, kicked BT's child maple fully in the face instead. Oh no. Yeah. But don't worry, he bought her an ice cream to say sorry. Tom's left the zoom. Oh, do you okay? I can only assume Tom's laughing at me. I just saw the colour of Tom's face. Tom looks like he's been kicked in the face. He gets brought up a lot. I can imagine. I can imagine. He's...

Pang! If he hasn't done enough damage to this current generation of comedians. Right, so just... So this is when we're talking just wouldn't have happened if she was in a zorb. Well, that's it. It could have been worse if she was in a zorb actually The lake By foot with deans way he packs a he packs a good kick Wow, are we? That's amazing. Yeah.

Does that help? Does that help? I thought I'd quite... We were just... We were just in the world of like children being injured. So that's what it reminded me of. So what Harry did to get out of that situation was buy, maybe, an ice cream. So I don't know whether

there can be purchasing of ice creams to say thank you for your friendship but stay two meters away from me. Something like that. Yeah so basically your idea is an ice cream on the end of a long pole. Yeah, massive cone. But you're really long. I will say this, you've got a one year old and a three year old and they live an hour away. Yeah. You, you don't have to see what's more than three two years.

Yeah. Easily like like you, you, you, you, with a one year on a You don't have to see what's more absolutely two years. Yeah easily like Like you you you with a one year on the three year old you'll be struggling to see people who live five minutes away Yeah, absolutely right. Yeah, ever that's that's the situation. I'm in the moment I've got a one year old and a three year old and occasionally like you know I was checking us in comics the other day. It turned out they've got kids a very, very similar age. And I said, oh, where'd you live? And they live in South London,

and it'll probably take 15 minutes to get to their place. Maybe, yeah, maybe 15, 20 minutes to get to their place. And we just went, oh, okay, we're not going to hang out. It's just impossible. No way. We're making that journey. It's just what's the point. Basically, we hang out with parents who live on our road. and even then, we don't hang out with anyone really, but even then, it's

basically just things are happening on our road on nothing at all, an hour away with a one year on the three year old. He's my, he's my pick for Ian though. It's a long way in his orbs, well there's a long way to do. Clara and Eric may be in their damp patch now, but look what's coming Eric's way. This guy is going to inherit a family farm. Pretty soon that cottage is going to get constructed and they're going to be out of the damp place and suddenly Lord and Lady Muck. Oh no!

Then you're looking at... From all the eggs, all the eggs you could hope for, some of that sweet fresh beef. You're going to look at family farming trips and you know so is it worth sticking it out basically? They're going to remember the people they must know you know when you're damp, you know when you you do know you know when you smell it. We've all had that experience where a wash has been in the washing machine for too long and you know it should go again but you're doomed. Yeah, your chance here, it feels, it feels all, it doesn't smell too bad off and then

you start teet up. And then you're on the bus and suddenly you realise you're the damp guy. All I'm saying is they're gonna know the people who stuck by him when they were damp. I think as well, there's an argument for, really, I mean, your kids are gonna be absolutely bionic by the time they get to sort of 7, 8, 9 because of the immunity they're building up.

Every single time they're getting a new loggy, get it out the way when they're young get it you know like like little kids are supposed to get ill right a supposed to get exactly and they'll be so strong they'll be able to go and work as farm hands on the farm till the land exactly get them out there with the plow get the harvest in fucking pulling that plow up and down like like fucking falling in love with each other, like kids on farms often do. Just like rolling in the hay, chasing each other through the scarecrow shop.

You know, I'm not spending a lot of time with far. But honestly, there's rewards at the end of this. Yeah. If you think about it. Yeah. And, you know, not to be too pessimistic about it when society collapses and the kind of food links to the city disappear. You're going to want to go somewhere with a gun

and some crops. You said not to be too pessimistic. It sounds like they're a target. But I suppose if you spent time with them, you'll know all the weak points of the house so you'll be able to get in and get them before anyone else. You take the children, that's their weak spot.

I've got your kids hand over your couch. I've been too pessimistic. So it went from put the kids into care to take the kids hostage. I think we've really, I hope that's been helpful. Thanks for writing it. Let's help to you. Hope that's solved.

Let's not forget, if you would like one of your beef's solved on the website, be prosco.com. It's beefbrotherspodcast.gmail.com. Beef solved. Beef from the zoning out your beef solved. Daniel, do you want to do your beef? Yes, of course. Where is it? Do I want to sing a little song while you scroll?

I'm scrolling through my email and I found it. This is called Matching Furniture Beef from Peter. That's your real name. Hello, Pappies and Dan Cook. How did he guess? My wife. My wife wants all matching furniture bought from a furniture store. Oh, my wife. Sorry, sorry. My wife wants all matching furniture bought from a furniture store.

Like tables and chairs said all match. Thank you, Peter. He's really walked us up to the concept. Just you're. Yeah, I was confused. Furniture store. If you don't know what we mean, he means by that. Tables and chairs all matching.

Gotcha. Thank you, Peter. Peter continues. I enjoy finding furniture or getting free furniture from more eclectic vibe. Gubtry. But apparently this is no longer acceptable in our mid 30s. What do you think? Well, hell, well, Peter, this is interesting because you obviously like a clean and tidy flat as you've told us. You like a clean and tidy house. Correct. Correct.

A month notes. Does that extend to the furniture as well? The matching of the furniture. Are you a nice thing of that level? Just like to be clean. You don't mind if there's mishmashed furniture. Do you ask who is Nathist? Yeah. Also, do you believe in furniture? Do you have a matching alter and chalice? Is what I'm asking. Do you know what actually? I've got stuff to say about this.

I don't care. Now it's all good. Now, let's, here we are. I've got rowing match insorbs. My furniture is not all matching and it's not all brand new, okay? What I've done, now Peter's appears that he likes finding furniture. Now I live in Pench and if I walk down my road on any day of the week, I could find enough furniture to decorate 10 flats, but those flats would look like a crack-din. It'll say, be pretty damn-pind imagined as well.

Yeah, really damn, pretty damn, it's quite a place, Penge, well a place. What I've done though is if you want to find matching stuff, but also a bargain, you've got to tap into someone's just died and their family have put all their furniture onto an online auction and you can snap it up for 15 pounds. Oh, right. The house clearance. The house clearance. The house clearance.

The house clearance. Yes. I've got a number of wonderful Victorian antiques or mid-century furniture that has all been kindly donated by a dead person. By the Grim Reaper. When you see a hearse travelling down the street, you immediately pop in your car. You go straight up, you go to the funeral, you meet a few of the relatives, you say, are they seem like a person who enjoyed a good sit down.

I can just picture a now sat in a favourite chair. Was it Erkle? God, such a shame, such a shame about Gemma. What was her taste in furniture? Ah, such a shame, such a shame about Gemma. What was her taste in furniture? What? What does the whiff of death bother you? Does the width of death bother me, or does it remind me of my Christian values? Oh, no, we know. It was a two-flat. It's Lord, it's what she goes over us at all times.

That's the worst thing is when someone comes back three days later and says, I've risen again, can I have my furniture back? Yeah. Does it feel like Peter's a bit cheap? I'm asking the question. Well, it feels like Peter's being a bit cheap, right? The phrase, the phrase, finding furniture or getting free furniture,

I mean, that's the same thing, isn't it? Finding, he's not saying finding it in an auction house or wanting it, even in like a kind of British heart foundation type place. He's talking about finding it on the street or getting given it. So, but he has said a more eclectic vibe. Now, whether or not he's retrofitting the phrase eclectic vibe onto his cheapness is for the listener to decide, really, but also he likes an eclectic very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, Are we talking about IKEA? Or are we talking about, because anywhere that isn't IKEA is fuck me, balls to the wall expensive. Like, yeah. It's either IKEA, or are you fucking kidding me?

For a lamp. I mean, like, there's like, there doesn't feel like there's an in between. And I wish there was, it, you know, obviously, it's very easy to be like, uh, we, everyone's got that. Let's go for something that isn't that. And I understand that from an atheist point of view. But,

Amen. But like the reality of that is like, where's your fucking, where's your fucking savings boy? Where's your savings boy? We need to know Peter's financial situation really, don't we? Does anyone have his number? Yeah, if you can send that paper. Peter, can you get back in touch?

Beef Brothers podcasted at gmail.com and give us your last five years with the tax returns. That should do it, right? That's gonna, that'll bring us up to speed. What he needs to do is he needs to go to IKEA in the dead of Nate, get to bargain corner. Oh yeah. Right, he needs to make do, he needs to do well in bargain corner. Oh yeah. Right, you need to make do, you need to do well in

bargain corner. Oh, you need, this is what he needs to do. He needs to get something that's affordable from IKEA that all matches in the dead of night. He needs to work on in his backyard and slightly distress it or upholster it. Then he needs to leave it on his street and Find it the next morning with his wife and be like whoa look here's my found furniture and So what he's doing is he's being able to pass off an IKEA vibe through his found stuff His wife's gonna look because it matches and it's gonna keep us away from. I know, Tom, I think that's a terrible plan. Because why would he buy it,

which is the thing he doesn't want, right? He doesn't wanna buy these things. Why would he buy it and then fuck it up and then try and fool himself? His wife isn't going. His wife needs to do that. Yeah, his wife needs to do that, but she's not written in.

No. This is what I'm sensing from this. I think I've gleaned a little bit more than you guys. What you think he wants to spend the money, but he also wants to get it from the street. I think he's going to end up paying, if he's going to, you know, you're made or you're loafs or whatever, those kind of one word

Money pits are yeah, and don't get me wrong. It's all good stuff when you go around someone's house And you know it's an Ikea. It's good stuff. I think that's where his wife's aspirations are And I think he's in danger there so I think he needs to He needs to operate lower and smarter and then have this kind of weird deceitful element that's going to drive away to him and start. Just create a bit of jeopardy. I'm a bit worried about the sentence like tables and chairs that all match.

He's peed a seven. What does he want his house to look like? Like a gastropub and Clark and well. Is that what we all want? Because the other thing as well about having unmatching chairs is it means you're going to have a good chair. Yeah. You're going to have one chair, which is the good chair.

If you've got four different chairs around your table, then that immediately is going to be a problem when either when you and your wife are having dinner at the table or when you've got guests around that you're going to think, well, what do I do? Do I give up or sit uncomfortably on one of the bad chairs? Well, they sit on the good chair. It's just, I just think, yeah, who's getting the deck chair?

Yeah, he's Mr. Damp gonna sit on my good chair. He did also say I live in two Porter cabins on the side of a farm. Got used to be no. He's done about all that. I don't know about the matching stuff. Really? To throw in on Pete's side here. Yeah, go on.

I think I understand one like nice looking stuff and I think you can have that without necessarily having matching stuff. I think if everything's a bit too long, you will understand being cheap. Oh, I understand more than anyone's on. I'm cheap. Oh, I understand more than anybody's. I'm cheap. When I'm misdemeanor, I'm I am cheap when it comes to stuff like this. And it's a fault of I feel Peter's I feel Peter's call basically. Yeah, you've got to have before matching dining table chairs though. That's got you can have like a you can have a sofa and an armchair and a coffee table in your living room, that's all different.

Oh, friends, Dan. Oh, friends, Dan. Oh, friends, Dan. Oh, friends, Dan. Oh, friends, Dan. It's incredibly generous of you. People don't know you bring gifts. Oh, friends.

Yeah, I got it. I got it off an auction. The lifesteins all over it, yeah. Yeah. The Dalmi, oh, lady, died got it, I got it off an auction. The flash stains all over it, yeah. The doll me, oh lady, died on it. So Clark, he... Tom, did you say something then we missed it? He said, he said so Clark and then pops him food in his mouth. Do you want a peanut?

No, so... Yes, please, mate. Talk us through this Higley Pigg-Asthetic that you're attracted to. I think you want a little bit of match. Sorry, is that really what a P-N-A-T sentence tell me where he was? I'm going to talk about what I'm talking about. What's going on with the poor life? I'm going to pull up. I'm going to pull up. I'm not based on chat show. Penicence.

No, you're a part of my group, yeah? Is it called penicence? I don't think you should be. I don't think it's the nuts you're talking about. I don't think it's the nuts you're talking about. It's called penicence. The title alone said we had an athletic shop. You certainly swelled up.

My first guest and a flattic. OK, so. Come on. Talk us through your old eagle, big old eagle. I think that if you buy everything matching matching, two matching, it starts to look a bit like a waiting room. Just there's no personality. You know, so I think a little bit of unmatchedings quite nice. If I go to a fucking cafe and you sat at a table and the four chairs around your

table don't match, then I'm like, what are you trying to hide here? Is your food shit? What? Distract you with the chairs. Sleep out, Shoddy Berger. Yeah, it's like this is you're making this busy man for good reason. Do you know what I mean? It's a dance! I'm really trying to. A second ago you said you were on Peter's side. No, I said I do understand his cheapness.

Right. Yeah. I think you've got to find there's got to be some middle ground and I'd say this, maybe she puts together some wish lists of some of the furniture she would like. And you see how close she can get on your little scavenger hunts. Scavenger hunts. So if you know what you're looking out for, you're not just going to be bringing back any old tut. It's Pete Frieden. I don't think he is. I think he isn't he talking about charity shops and like, you know, like little places, rather than just going around houses.

He says he enjoys finding furniture. It sounds like he's wandering the streets, picking up detritus. He's a career criminal. I've found this great three-piece sweep behind this window. Problem is, it matches. I just take it out into the garden, set fire to it and then my wife will never know. No, we're talking. This is the kind of scheme I could get behind you.

I'm sorry. Where do I get you? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So what's our suggestion? What are we saying to Peter? I mean, are we saying just grab and spend a bit of money? Or are we saying you're actually in the right? I'm saying, get on the auctions. There's a middle ground to be had.

And that middle ground is a graveyard. Go out and find an haunted furniture for an on-set. There are hundreds of punks in that place. So, basically, rather than walking around the streets, looking for old armchairs and mattresses and that kind of stuff, look for old frail people. And just follow them around, if you think they haven't got long left, just follow them around a little bit and then eventually buy them buy them a salty a salty item

something else you can't buy them a good one but I'd rather buy them a good one confused I'd die a salty item You really are actually off the chain with your little one man hacked out here What confused I die? Is it a final lick?

Please tell me what was his last words? Well I don't know if you want to hear him actually They were confused I die They sound like Hortmosh I wouldn't mind that Here lies Tom Parry Wicks confused he died. To be it like it's a description for the people walking past the grave. Go ahead if you confuse us to why he's lying here. He dies. Confused? Confused while alive.

Confused while alive. He died as he lived mansplaining I think I think DC's cracked it. Yeah, I think do a bit of ambulance chasing get in there Be so beautiful. Yeah Oh, all of you are from the top of all. Be from the starting at your beef! This comes from Jamie via beefbrotherspodcast.gmail.com and it's my... Sorry Jamie. That's so Jamie's getting touched by a beefbrotherspodcast.

It's got fire email. And it's so time to talk over everything. I don't know. So, Mother-in-law beef part two from Jamie via beefbrotherspodcast.gmail.com. Hello, Papis Jamie here formerly from Harrogate in Yorkshire, but for the last 10 years living near Mandora near Perth in Western Australia

Oh, wow good day. I'm a previous brief brothers contributor having emailed in 2020 during lockdown my beef Then was with my mother-in-law who through an unfortunate combination of COVID lockdown. My beef then was with my mother-in-law who, through an unfortunate combination of COVID, health issues and a lack of international travel availability, ended up staying with me and my family in a three-bedroom apartment for almost 12 months. Sounds like about a year. To quote parent the time, it was a long stay. I thought I'd update you on the situation. My mother-in-law now visits for six months once a year. So I was like, half a year. Thankfully though, renting her own place and not staying with us anymore.

However, she still lets herself into our apartment while we're at work to undertake what in her mind must be a well-intentioned rotor of house chores, but are in fact unasked for insertions into our private lives that add pointless time to almost every task we do as we undo her obsessive behaviors. Some examples. The folding inwards of cereal box tabs adding two seconds per use to the pouring of cereal the following day as you have to wrangle the pointless cereal origami, estimated wasted time each six months, five and a half minutes. Or, she adds dishwasher tablets to the dishwasher at the point of emptying it, meaning every night as I go to put it on, I delve under the

sink for one, open the dishwasher, only to find there is already a tab in the drawer, so I have to put the tablet back under the sink. Estimated total wasted time each six months, 14 minutes. Please help solve this beef. She's only 72 so she could be around for another 20 years. You're not going down, Dan? Yeah, exactly, yes. She's got an uncle's ass. She's going to take the job.

Jamie, Mandora near Perth in Western Australia. Thank you, Jamie, for getting in touch. And thank you for keeping us abreast of your situation. I don't know how effectively we solved your problems last time, but it sounds like not effectively enough if you've got, if you're a repeat customer. You've reduced a problem by 50% if it's gone down from 12 months to six months.

All we need to do is get rid of a fully. Yeah, I mean, I'm in peanuts. The salty item. Oh, man, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, when you're when you're dosing these people with a salty item, are you also dosing yourself? Yeah. Because you know, isn't the idea when you poison somebody to sort of poison their wine but drink the unpoisoned wine yourself? Right. I've got you on my side.

Nah, that's right. And crucially not allergic to peanuts. So, what are we thinking? What's our advice for Jamie to, I mean, what, why have you given her a set of keys? I mean, that's tough on this. The toothpaste can't go back in the tube there, so you can't take it in the bottle.

You probably put it back in, that wouldn't you say? I'm holding it in a weird way. Wasted time, three and a half minutes every six months. He's got to stop doing that for start. That's my first bit of advice is you've got to put the calculator down because it'll destroy you. I mean time using the calculator, you know, 15 minutes here. I used to endeavour to try and calculate all the time

that I'd spent waiting for Ben and figured that he owed me a two-week holiday. But it would be a two-week holiday where he goes and stands in a variety of regional art centres just in the foyer waiting for you to show up. Yeah, so I think you have to let that go, basically. Yeah. And it sounds like you have. Now that I've booked the holiday, I've let it go. But I do understand his pain because we have a similar situation where my partner's parent helps out a lot whenever she's over but not in the way that I would like and you know like the metal collinder doesn't go under it doesn't go in the cupboard it

goes up on the pan hooks and every time it goes under the cupboard and then I have to put it back up on the pan hooks. Yeah and you can't be leaving student type passive aggressive notes saying, you know, I don't need to be put under the, you know, I, please put me back on the, on the hook or whenever it's just, yeah, I know what you mean. You've got a delicate system that works for you guys and two of you know that system, you and your partner, and you don't need interlopers as useful as they may be in other aspects of life. That dishwasher tab one kills me. Like I hear when he's, when he's scried that,

I absolutely could put myself in his shoes and that feeling of getting a tab out out of the wrapper, going there, opening it and it's in there again. That's the kind of stuff. You know, like the way Morgan Freeman talks about Shawshank, like chipping away at you and you can really get to a man.

Like, that's the kind of shit where that's some Shawshank shit. And you don't want to just roll over and take it, do you? You don't want to be the kind of person you go, well, I know there's already a dishwasher tab in there, because then you're becoming the, you know, the subordinates to them. The prison hierarchy means that you are below them.

And it's your, you know, you're not even in the prison. You're the warden. Hold on. You should act like that. Are you suggesting a shivering here once, come here? Yeah, absolutely. the warden. Hold on, you should. He's suggesting a shivering here, once coming. Yeah, absolutely. An honor killing. LAUGHTER

Think of the furniture he'll get. Andy DeFrain doesn't kill anyone in Chorsheng. No, is he Andy DeFrain? And he's a warden. Yeah. Who's Steve? She the kind of guy you can get your things. Yeah, that's right. She's the kind of guy who can get your things.

She's the tragedy of she's Morgan Freeman. Yeah. Daniel, what are you thinking about this? It's tricky this one because on the one hand you could say he's been incredibly ungrateful coming in and providing a useful service free of charge. Secondly, there is something a bit, a bit like, I don't know what the word is, there's something a bit grubby about someone coming into your house when you're not there and rifling through your bits and pieces. I think you need to invest in those, you know those sort of tins we open like a sort of spring snake pops out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The old practical joke. You're practical, you're saying home alone? Not sure. I'm saying you home alone your house. You got your spring stakes in your cereal

and you have your spring stakes in your dishwasher. And it will be enough of a fright to not kill. I'm calling the boss a spring spacer. What? It will be enough of a fright to not kill a I call in the boss. I'm afraid you're not. It would be enough of a fright to not kill a 70 year old woman. That's literally the only solution I've got. I'm so sorry. No, no, I'm pretty good. I think that's... I think that's... You know, I think you have to fight back.

Because the other alternative, the bigger alternative is just go just a little bit of time, she's got her systems, you got your systems, can't we all just get along, but this is your home, right? That would work elsewhere. That would work if you were her guest and she did things in a bit of a funny way and you didn't really like it, but for her to come in and fundamentally change the infrastructure of your dwelling, that cannot stand. Yeah, or maybe you can fight around one morning and you sit down in the living room and it's just you and her and you got cup of tea and nice cake and you just...

I make soul food. Side up to it and there's a sweet cake. Right. Just checking, just checking. And you just lean over to it and you say, what's your fucking problem? What's your fucking? Who the fuck do you think you are? You know, your daughter's not here at the moment, okay? And she can't hear this by swear to God,

if you come in here, unannounced, one more time, I'm gonna break your fucking fingers. Or something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or go zorbing, yeah. I was gonna say, if you put her in a zorb, problem solved. Just throw her off down a hill. I'm sure that a hill's in her. Right? I'm gonna break say, if you put it in a sorg, problem solved. Just sort of broth down a hill, I'm sure that a hill's in Perth.

Right? I'm gonna break your fucking fingers. Be ZOLED! I just, I'm enjoying offering solutions, not appropriate for the podcast, I think that's my thing now. He's a fagin' niche, that's top thing, is what? I'm gonna poke your fucking eyes out with this pen. Do you hear me?

Now we have to keep our kids away from the dishwasher because you don't climb it into it. We don't, I'm sticking their hands in and, you know, or, you know, getting a sharp knife or whatever, through their finger. Or a- You're not fun parents. No, we're not the fun parents you think.

No. The entire house is a sort of a sulk horse of death. I would only tell you. We don't view our house as Tikesh's castle. We view our house very much as a house. But we also want to keep away from the cereal cupboards because they are just obsessed with cereal. They would just eat sweet and sugary cereal all day, my kids.

They would love that. And obviously, you want them to have a slightly more balanced diet. So what we've done is get little child proof locks on all of the cupboards, right? To stop them from getting in. Now, their child proof, they're not 72 year old woman proof. They're sort of the code is fairly obvious

of how you unlock them. But there's got to be other things. 72 year old woman proof, they're sort of the code is fairly obvious of how you unlock them, but There's got to be there's got to be other Thing yeah take it take it up a notch change the locks on the front door and just act innocent like what? Well the locks have changed. Oh my god. That's crazy. Oh well Guess you can't come in anymore Oh well, guess you can't come in anymore. As you do the letterbox, I'll poke your eyes out. I will burn you, I will burn you.

I will say this though, right. If you're not putting the tab down on your, on your for consereal packets, what are you doing with your life? Do you know what I mean? Like in a her defence. Keeping the freshness in. What are you doing mate? I don't think they're just putting them down.

I think she's folding them over. I think there's more to it. Foul, Foul in the move. Like I'm picturing some kind of like origami. Like you know when you can, He does say origami, yeah. That's the same look in the fall. Ah, the fall.

The fall. Yes. The folder needs to do more. Oh, I was doing more by task after use, adding two seconds per use to the pouring of cereal the following day, yes. I think she's doing something unnecessarily. It doesn't seem like she's picked two things that,

it's not like she said, oh yeah, she sort of re-screws the cat back on the milk or whatever. These are things that seem like they're unnecessary. They've got the guys of helpfulness, but they're actually sort of a death by a thousand cuts. So this woman's got some energy to give, right? And her intentions are pure. She's I think what you need to be looking at is diverting those energies into the right places. Yes. So if every day you know she's coming for six months of the year

Every day you get to write a little like weird riddle challenge Like I may be in the garden, but I am not a spade and it's like I've got into my hole Some plants will be made and then and then suddenly she's like cracking the code It'll be a better code than that, but she's like cracking the code. And then before you know it, she's not even thinking about the dishwasher. She's in the garden planting tomatoes.

And then, and then, you know, like, whenever it is, and it's like, I look like a rope, but I'm really from a sheep, knit me a sweater and I won't poke you in the eye. Like, yeah. LAUGHTER But like, it's like a series of challenges every day. And then you get her to, she wants to help you. She will help you, but you're keeping her,

you're gently in a playful way, shepherding her into areas of the house that you can handle her doing. A bit like buying a robot vacuum cleaner kind of vellum and tour. You know, that's kind of the way you would do it. Yeah, I like that a lot. I like the idea of the diversion.

The, it's like the Bruce Forsyth thing. It's what they used to do on strictly, because Bruce Forsyth was always looking around, he'd been obviously been in television a lot longer than most other people on set. Soth was always looking around, you know, he'd been obviously been in television a lot longer than most other people on set. So he was always looking around for mistakes. So they would have fake mistakes to distract him. So he wasn't criticizing everybody's actual, you know,

small infractions that other people were making, putting his mark in the wrong place, that kind of thing. That's sort of what you need. You need, but I like your idea of kind of making it into, it's almost got like a scapery element. Yeah. Yeah, you do a scapery in her flat.

So you can't get into yours. That's the other thing is where you could lock her in. Could you fold in her door like she's in the cereal boxes? Since she could then can't get out the door. Well, the fake mistakes element is if you, not this, but something like this, if you rub shit on your mirror every morning, she'd be so busy, not that obviously but something like that,

otherwise tuth paste, something that's not sick. Sick, if you're sick on your mirror, then she's going to spend all the time cleaning the mirror and then she's not going to be putting tabs in the dishwasher. But what I'm saying is like you don't necessarily have to create the it's just diverting that energy for the good basically away from the problem areas Imagine that if you could put it to work and I don't want to come back to you know the kids becoming farm hands But if you could put it to work on the earth in the in the garden you can have an incredible vegetable patch There's a lot of there's a lot of space in Australia, isn't there?

I mean, I'm sure. You've got the conditions for it. You've got a nice big backyard with some soil. You could get a telling away. I think this is good. Yeah. And off, I mean, the climber, you can have a vineyard. You could turn your house into a winery,

I would say within a decade and a half, and a really good one as well. Easily. So I feel like this is what you need to do. Get her out there, get her planting some vines, get her stomping on the grapes in a big bucket. Send us a bottle of wine. No, we're talking. This is it. Beef solved. Beef from the zoning I can be! Beave solved! Dan, do you have a beef that you would like us to solve? Yes.

So I live in a block of flats, and on my road there are three blocks of flats, sort of, next to each other. This sort of 1930 style flat, so it looked very nice, and and My one's nice and then the third one's nice and the one in the middle is what me and my wife call it castle chaos Because Anything can happen right and the main thing that happens is and and this could sort of happen any time of year It doesn't have to be summer because you know, suns out now any time of day any day of the week you will Know it's approaching though because you'll walk past it on your way back from the train station and a gazebo

Will have been erected in the communal garden out front and And you won't pass anything, ah, right. Tonight will be a little bit spicy, me think. And then there's a combination of things that they'll have the gazebo. They will have a speaker system that I think they must have borrowed from the pyramid stage at Glastonbury. Food will be provided at this event. They haven't managed to splash out on a barbecue just yet so they've got a shopping trolley which they've charcolling and have lit it there.

So it's a barbecue in a shopping trolley. And then for people who are fitting a bit tired from all the music and want to sit down and watch TV, they have this big extension cord and they bring out a massive widescreen TV outside as well. And that all takes place on the garden outside the outside the block of flats on our road and then the sound kicks in and I've got double glazing we've all got double glazing the vibrations hit you to your core, hit you to your core. What one time my wife, so Castlecase kicked off, just wrote up the couch, some was like,

yeah, I don't wanna be a pain, but like the block of flats down the road from us, their playing music quite loud. And the person on the phone was like, oh yeah, are you referring to, whatever, I'm going to give you the actual name of the place She was like yeah, yeah, yeah, don't worry Six people have already called us we're sending someone on their way But how do I stop this at the salt?

Well firstly, it's great to know you're a couple of narks Say what I'm talking Well firstly, he's great to know you're a couple of knocks. Yeah, yeah. Let's say what in power chat is. Hey Guy Frane, how did Frane lock himself in the office and played the opera my friend? What would you have done, job dimming? I don't know what that woman was singing about that day. I'll be doing a shopping trolley. Are you ever telling me to?

The poor big kids, so just join them, you know, just join in just just stick on your big short stick on you know your visor Wip your shirt off get down there and enjoy you know and enjoy a little bit of The way southeast London entertainment I think this is your best chance your best chance is infiltrate work your way up and then diffuse from the top. Oh, okay. So I think you have to you have to go and fully immerse yourself. I've got your rent of flat in that blog. And now you've got to be like, we're just next door, man, we heard the vibes.

It's fucking great. The fucking squares. They do nothing next door man, we heard the vibes, it's fucking great. The fucking squares, they do nothing next door. Some can't call the fucking council the other night. Fucking guys do really, that's all this fucking, I've got a trolley, I've got a spare trolley. Like any fucking undercover film, like I do or anything, you need an inn. So if you turn up with a shopping trolley and you're like room for a little one, and it's like, oh my god. Who's red drumstick? Yeah, yeah.

Legends arrived. Then you're in. You have to go hot, you have to go big for a few nights, you have to earn your stripes, maybe your short spell DJ and you know whatever it is. Then you know, once you're in this guy's a fucking legend, he's from the next flats, hope he's coming down, you're coming down, you're bringing your wife. guy's a fucking legend. He's from the next flat. Hope he's coming down. You're coming down. You're bringing your wife.

It's a cookie monster. Yeah, fucking happy. There we go. Here we go. I was talking. Always puppets with you. Anyway. LAUGHTER

Then it's going to go one of two ways. Either you're going to go native. You're going to kernel curse. Actually, I'd embrace the chaos.. And if you go that way, then you're no longer worried about what's going on. That's it. Yeah, I exactly see that he finally gets them shut down. He lies in bed that the next Saturday night and just all he's thinking about is, it's not about getting them, but he's not that getting it's not about

getting them shut down. What you do is after three months of going big, you start going, hey, do you know what? What about just like, because we've got loads to talk about, you know, so maybe just a bit less low tonight, like, you know, like, you're just a fast thing, got a huge,

you know, John's got loads of stories. And then, you know, and then the next week, it's like, look, I tell you what, you bring a film a film you bring a film we'll do a little you know everyone can we'll do three films no music no music it's film night and then silent game and slowly imperceptibly the volume you know until you're all kind of boring and middle aged and quiet.

Okay. You've kind of, you know, you've done it. Tom, I think you've just described gentrification. LAUGHTER Are you saying close down the rough pub? And set up a gastropub, it's got a big gengren that could be in the back garden. Is that your suggestion?

With Miss Man. And then Rai then raised the prices. This is free barbeque. Does it need to be free anymore? Could it not just all be cornburgers instead? Isn't that better? Let's get a weight-tro shopping trolley. LAUGHTER

Is that help? OK, thanks Tom. Yeah, that has helped actually. I think as you know, I'm a very very sociable person. I love... I love going to parties and I have making small talk with people so I think that'll work, especially if I've appeared in three months. Incharacter.

It's the cookie monster. Oh, putting on shorts as well apparently. Yeah, top off to... shorts no-soft. Avizer. Love it. Should we just stick on a podcast instead? Yeah!

It can't be this podcast, that's what you get to sound done. Oh my God. Yeah. Is that you? Is that the cookie monster? It's finally infiltrated them. Six months has gone really well. It's gone so well they're having a podcast night.

Someone turns up the ghost. All I play in this is Papi's flat chair. Cookie Monster goes, oh, cut. That's a great scene. That's a great scene. It's like a departed. Quickly chuck someone's iPod into the shopping trolley. I don't know what happened, just fell out my hand. I don't know what happened.

You had an iPod. The one of our listeners. Right, beef solved. Beef solved. Beef solved. Dan, thank you so much for coming on the podcast. It's been an absolute pleasure having you. Where can people find your work?

If they would like to see you, where can they find you? I'm on Instagram at underscore Daniel, underscore cook. And if you wanna come and see me live, I'm doing my later show at the roundhouse on I want to say I want to say this date because it is this date August the 19th at 7 o'clock. Or actually 19th.

It's part of the roundhouse festival. Yeah. Roundhouse comedy festival. We'll have a brilliant time. It's part of the Roundhouse Festival. Roundhouse Comedy Festival. We'll have a brilliant time. Thanks so much for coming and doing this. And crucially, good luck with you new the Cookie Monster.

Good luck with you new Persona, man. Yeah, I'm gonna go and put those shorts on. Pop your visor on, whip the shirt off, get out of there. It's only 10.30, which in Castle Chaos terms is very, very early in the evening. Don't forget, beeffulerspodcast.gmail.com or as Pierre Navelle might put it... Send us your beef, your whining fucks. Oh well there it is, I'd say I enjoyed the episode so much.

It made me want to call the hot... Just a reminder folks, for those of you who've forgotten or didn't have a pen and paper handy when you called, when you only heard the first bit, it's 0208, 1, 2, 3, 32, 72, 0208, 1, 2, 3, 2, 72. Call the hot lion today. Goals, goals, goals, goals. 72 call the hotline today He's not saying gold though is it It doesn't like he does do goals what I'm one of them He's not saying gold so you can see why I got confused but and also I am a man It was it was I haven't got a stressful day trying to set up a Skype hotline and leaving out go and voice a message

Which you apparently can't do. There's a lot of forums very angry about it, but they're all from 2017. Everyone of the threads I read, all of it, so you know when you read those advice threads and it tells you what to do, and it was like, this thread was closed in 2016. You're like, yeah, yeah, I appreciate that no one now is concerned about this. But anyway, well, Pappies have finally gone into the 20th century. Do give us a call, folks, please. Anyway, let's, please, we need to listen, I need this. Today's episode is produced by Emma Corson. Corson TV. That number again, oh two, oh seven, what's the rest of it?

Oh no, it's not even that Tom, it's over that. It's 0208, 1, 2, 3, 3, 2, 7, 2, and don't forget to join our Patreon. It's offpapering.com, forward slash, Pappy's Flatsher, of course. Follow us on Instagram, Pappy's Comedy, or on Twitter, at Pappy's Tweets. www.papysflash.com www.papysflash.com www.papysflash.com www.papysflash.com www.papysflash.com

www.papysflash.com www.papysflash.com www.papysflash.com www.papysflash.com www.papysflash.com www.papysflash.com www.papysflash.com www.papysflash.com www.papysflash.com www.papysflash.com www.papysflash.com www.papysflash.com www.papysflash.com www.papysflash.com www.papysflash.com www.papysflash.com www.papysflash.com www.papysflash.com www.papysflash.com www.papysflash.com www.papysflash.com www.papysflash.com www.papysflash.com www.papysflash.com www.papysflash.com www.papysflash.com www.papysflash.com www.papysflash.com www.papysflash.com www.papysflash.com www.papysflash.com www.papysflash.com www.papysflash.com www.papysflash.com www.papysflash.com w www Listen, I tell you what, there's only certain local payphone. Certain points in the day when I'm just going to leave the answer machine off, and I'm just going to be a bit lonely in the day and want to chat.

So do call the hotline because the kids are at nursery, my wife's in the office. Oh my god, they're just like when Bob Dylan went electric. If he'd gone electric in 2013 or something, you know, years after everyone else had All right, well see you later everybody You're listening to puppies neighborhood watch roll call listening to puppies neighborhood watch roll call Oh two oh wait 233272 Oh two oh wait

1 2 3 3 2 7 2 Chat to the guys you want chat to guys chat to girls Do do do do do oh two oh wait chat to guys who've got a knob 1 2 3 or girls who haven't. Just like Louise Rob. Three, two, seven, two. LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER Come and chat to the guys that you really like. Maybe take out a girl. Maybe you might nail her. Just like our old friend, Nathan Taylor. Oh, my God. Two, two, no. Oh two two two two three two seven two oh Oh, Garmin, jet to this lady although be, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, girls. They're always ready to please oh just like our friend Ellie Briezo. Oh, 23, 3, 2, 7, 2.

A jack to some guys but don't jack to Alex. Oh, 23, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 2, 3, 2, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 2, 3, 2, 2, 3, 2, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 2, 3, 2, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 2, 3, 2, 2, 3, 2, 2, 2, 3, 2, 2,