Pappy's Flatshare - Beef Brothers Cold Cuts w/ Darren Harriott S9E29

Episode Date: October 14, 2019

The Beef Brothers are here to sort out your beef with special guest Darren HarriottDarren Harriott - https://twitter.com/darrenharriottPappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetIf you have a flatshare based beef you'd like us to solve then send it to [e-mail] us live 20th November at The Phoenix - https://www.tickettext.co.uk/pappys-flatshare/pappys-flatshare-slamdown-20112019/Support us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareProduced by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman planting her coarse debris and pat in love for it. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Four things. It's like theaters December 15th.

Greetings, listener dear! It's Tom! It's Matthew! It's Ben. Yes, and welcome to Beef Brothers Cold Cuts, BBC. Greetings, listen to Deade Tom! It's Matthew! It's Ben! Yes, and welcome to Beef Brothers Cold Cuts BBC! Very strong episode this week, I think we can all agree, and it took an unusual turn in that our guest, Darren Harriet, had...

Well, he had beef of his own. Oh, yeah, the... the grandest beef you've ever seen. Let's get into it. It was grand beef. Yeah, if you would like to contribute to two beef brothers cold cuts, don't forget you could email us beefbrotherspodcastatgmail.com and we will see you after this.

Well, if you've got a problem, don't call it a problem, if you've got a problem call it a beef, if you've got a beef, maybe we can help you beef from the starting of your beef. Welcome to Beef Brothers' cold cuts. Guess this week dropping into the flat. It's Darren Harriet. Hey, hey, hey, how you doing? Pretty good Darren, how are you? Yeah, good, thank you, thank you for having me.

It's a total pleasure, thanks for coming on the show. Great to have another Midland voice on this podcast. That's true, yeah. Because there's a few people who say they can't tell the difference between your two voices, Tom and Ben, which obviously I can. Yeah. And now we've got a third Midland voice.

I think it's southerners who are blocked, like, all the other people are saying the same. It's not a tough one, I don't know. Yeah, exactly right. Do you think southerners regard you as Northerners? Yeah, but I feel like sometimes when you're from the Midlands you just take it. Yeah, go on, then.

Sure, fine. I feel like Northerners, their identities so much stronger around, like, in the yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Yeah, in fact, Midlanders, to me, are very open, very friendly people. Do you think that's fair? Yeah, yeah. Go on, Northerners on the other hand. Whereas Southerners in Northerners sort of stick to their... Do you know what I mean? Yeah, that's what I'm trying to say.

It's Southerners in Northerners are very much like... They're sort of quite... They don't want change, they don't want... Well, that's why we're in the middle. We're in there, we're like, we're just there for peace. We're in the middle, yeah, yeah, yeah. The mediators are Britain, the borderlands. Yeah, exactly.

We've never needed you more. We're here to solve Brexit. Oh, God. Yeah, I was chatting to someone other day, he said they're going over the Middens, and they said, it was only when they got to University, they realised there was such a thing as the North safe divide. They were like, oh, this is a thing, Nor realized there was such a thing as the North safe divide.

They were like, oh, this is a thing, Northerners and Southerners don't get on. It was like, because we're we're from everyone, it's just like, oh yeah, everyone else is not from the midlands. That's true, everyone gets on with the midlanders. What charm did this since you have? It was just lovable. You are incredibly lovable.

All likable. You're lovable and you're likable. And I love and like you all. Thank you, man. Don't tell me what you think of me Let's just leave that let's leave that let's push that under the rug What kind of a what kind of a flatmate are you you're good flatmate Darren? Oh, yeah, I'm a very I keep myself to myself. I'm very clean As well, so like I'll just get straight into I'll tell you about my house share that I mean

I'll just get straight into it. I'll tell you about my house share that I'm in. Yeah, get straight into it. Let's talk about it. I talk about the setup. So, okay, I live in a house share where it's three floors, big house, beautiful, lambladey,

got it in the divorce. So, it's like an old fashion house. I don't know everyone's name that I live with. Seriously, I've been there for five years. No. How many people we talk in? Okay, so let me... Okay, so at the top, we've got two people at the top.

Okay. They're very nameless because you don't have to. The northerners. I know them because they're nice. So very mindless people I really like. They're sure at the top, really like. Yeah. They've got their own kitchen, toilet, all that.

It's very nice set up. They've got upstairs. It's like an attic. They've got upstairs. Are you allowed up there? Can you use the kitchen and toilet? No, no, no, no, that's the stair. I'm not going to door and say, hey, your pizza's here. But other than that, yeah, it's there. It's like an attic. They've got upstairs. Are you allowed up there? Can you use the kitchen in toilet? No, no, no, that's just the other room. I'm not going to door and say, hey, your pizza's here.

But other than that, yes, it's there. It's very special. On my floor, the middle floor, which I think is the best floor. Yeah. You are genuinely the midlander. Yeah, I'm really, I'm so true. I'm really, really have. There is a couple who have moved in on my left. I like him, don't like her.

Oh, we can come back to that. We'll come back to that. There's a girl who's just left. Can't, don't know what her name was, but she was like on the right. How long was she there for before you? I'm put about four, five months. Okay.

No one's ever in that room very long because it's really small, really smells. It's like a tiny little room. Oh, there's a new guy moved in. He's got those tattoos on his hand. He reminds me of a bit like Wolverine. Oh my God. This is like defencigate the dark arts in Harry Potter. It's like in that room, they never last long.

They're always a bit weird. So far, he's nice. All I know is that he smokes a lot. And then there's a guy opposite me who is a trouble. We'll come to him as well. He's a big trouble. This is great. We've also got downstairs a new guy who's moved in. All I know about him is that he's from Australia. He's relatively new. There was a guy before who was there for a year. He was fine. And then there's another girl who is in the bottom floor. She's okay.

So I've written there's about nine. I'm the right one. So which is a lot of people. That's a lot of people. But because there's also no communal area other than the kitchen, and there's only one microwave used to be two. Oh, bruise.

But a guy left and took his mic. He literally carried it out. He literally carried it out like a boom box. He just kind of, he walked out of microwave. So either that, and we kind of put it this way, okay, we'll go through the beefs. Right, so I smell this.

This is it, Carl. This is great, we don't need to use the next of the beefs. I mean, so, I've already made beefs, right. I've talked need to use the list of the papers. I mean, it's so, I've already made beef, sorry. I've talked about it so much. There's so much. Okay, let's do it. They've put it straight.

They didn't know I did comedy until the Sonya and Telet. That's awesome. Wow. That must have been so weird for them. But the guy Sonya and Telet, because I was talking about him, okay, so the guy opposite me. It's just the guy opposite me. The Asian guy, right? The guy opposite me, the Asian guy. We used to get along.

All I knew about him was that he had a bit of a drink problem. Okay. Right, I'm gonna say a drink problem like, wasn't like, like, there's sick on the floor and stuff like that. But he liked to drink. You would see him sometimes a bit like, yes, that is what a drink problem is. I've got a drink problem.

I've got a drink problem. He had a very sort of clinky recycling. Clinkly recycling. Sure. But also he would take my drink sometimes. So I've got my own alcohol and problem. He had a very sort of clean key recycling. Clean key recycling. Sure. But also he would take my drink sometimes. So I've got my own alcohol and I'd come back and go, somewhere, wait, something's been moved. Oh no.

And he would walk in and go, my bed, and he'd give me a 20 for the bottle of whatever it was. And now, does that attend? I would get it from duty free, so I was making a profit. Yeah, you know what? But you were also feeding his habit. Feeding his habit by accident.

And then, what started happening was, right? I would buy Diet Coke, he's having a Diet Coke problem. I've kicked the habit guys, you've regretted it, I'm really pleased. How many days? I've been about, I'd say, just before Edinburgh. All right. So yeah, it's been about three months now.

And as you moved on to full fat Coke, you know. No, no, no, I now do a lot of waters and stuff. I've done. I can't do full fat guys. I mean, look, no, no, I now do a lot of waters and stuff. I've done. I can't do full fat, guys. I mean, look, I'm not asking for an applause, but whatever. Anyway, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, that's good, he's good, he's good.

He would take my diet coke cans every now and again and just have a kind of coke, diet coke. And I wouldn't mind, I wouldn't have a pop. Sure, when he's a can, he's a little whiskey into it. No, no, no, no, he was just pure, pure diet coke. He would just open the fridge and go, hey, fine, anyway. A few months after this, I was okay with it. It's fine, multiplexic hand, I didn't really care.

I saw him, he was stumbling again, right? And I talk about this on stage and I said to him, I said, are you doing you all right? And he was fine, yeah, he was a bit stumbling on the street as we were leaving the station. And it goes down, that's go and tell you. And I was like, what? Ah, you know, I take your diet coke cans.

I was like, yeah, you know, why? Because I smoke crack. And I was like, what? Whoa. What do you mean you smoke crack? Where did that come from? And he goes, that's how you do it. You use your diet coke cans.

You put a hole in the side and you burn it. That's how you do it. You need like the aluminum and you're put a hole in the side and you burn it, that's how you do it, you need like the aluminium to burn crack, and I'm like, I've never been diet. Diet? I think you were, I think you were. I think you were. I get a little bit better.

I'm not a monster, you know, it's less calories, you know, I've got a lot of fun about your diabetes. And so they are always very thin. That's true. They are, you're in. And bad teeth. So I said to them, I said, okay. And, uh, tell him that he's been doing it for months.

Like, he's really got a taste for it. Yeah. He would never, he doesn't look like he's said to be a cracker. He's a, a seek guy who works in IT and drives a really decent car. And my thought was like, well, can't you just get your own cans? Like, why are you smoking crack? And I said to him, was that your first reaction? Yeah. Can't reaction? You've started smoking crack, what can you use your own cans? Do you use your cans?

Please, and are you recycling the cans at least at the end? And I said to him, I said, what mate, I should say, it's a very, like everybody in the house is very normal, but yeah, anyway, okay, doesn't sound like it. It doesn't, it really doesn't. And I said to him, I said, okay, so like, if you can go after a few weeks and a few months and all this sort of stuff, I said to him, I said, okay, so like, if you can go in for a few weeks and a few months and all this sort of stuff, I said to him, I said, what did he feel like to smoke crack?

In a caddy room and he goes, ah, it makes me feel like I own the house. And I was like, oh, that's quite bleak, is it? Yeah, that's very, I know like, we have a linear reaction to crack. It's not like, makes me feel like I rule the world. Makes me feel like I own my own property. Yeah, makes me feel like I rule the world makes me feel like I own my own property I don't rents expensive, mate, but yeah

Yeah, yeah, get a little bit more out of your crack I've never put his also got a motorbike as well. So it's on a bit It's very it's very strange anyway, right? So I've known about this and okay, so this happens right April So I've known about this and okay, so this happens, right? April, that's the end, right? I'm at the Melbourne Comedy Festival and before I leave, a new housemate moves in. The girl downstairs. As a girl downstairs says, I think she's Romanian,

I think. No idea of her name. I've got a no her name now. I know her name now. Right, because of this incident I had at the time. Right, yeah. So she's moved in, I've got a text when it's saying there's a new housemate.

That's how we do it. One of those house shares where the land lady, she doesn't bother with saying, guys, do you guys want to meet, do you guys want to sort out who moves into the house when you're feeling like that? It's not like that. Or if somebody leaves,

we'll just get a text message saying, Jonathan is moving in Saturday and that's it. And by the way, he's on heroin. He's like, you might, you might, you might, you might, you might, you might, you might, you might, you might, you might,'s on heroin. He's on heroin. He might, he might, he might, he might. He's on a halfway house. Is this like, I'm really, it's starting to feel that way. Well, it's really. So I've got a text saying, there's a new girl that I might find.

I come back from Melbourne and this new girl is really friendly with the guy. Let's call him Ben, the Asian Cracket guy. Okay, let's call him, let's call him Clarky. Okay, let's call him Clarky. Yeah, let's call him Clarky the cracker. Clarky the cracker. So they're really friendly. I've noticed it and I've gone, man, she's been there for like three weeks and they're really, really close.

I'm like, hmm, and then me and him spoke. And I said to him, I said, we're just having a little chat and I went, oh, he went there and said, you would have, like said, we're just having a little chat. And I went, oh, I said to him, I said, you would have really, she's only been there, we're good. Yeah, and I went, I don't even, don't do it. I went, don't do it. And I went, what do you mean don't do it?

What did you mean, I said, well, you know, we've seen how these things work out in a house share. I've been there a while when you have relationships in a house share and it doesn't work out, it's a problem. It becomes a problem. Unless you leave, leave it with your ex. It's a hard, absolute problem. I said to you, listen, be careful, you know, you know, shit, will you eat?

It's a problem. We have to talk clocky about that. Yeah, anyway. Anyway, it's the bathroom clocking. But where do I do my hair? Crack. In the bathroom, I do my hair. My hair crack. Where do I do my hair? Crack! In fact, I do my hair. Where do I do my hair?

My hair crack. I said to him, I said, um, I said, um, I said, um, okay, anyway, that doesn't matter. So that was in April. They are carried on, they are really close and friendly. Oh. September, me and the girl that I'm with, uh, watching TV, having a good time, whatever. We hear screams and shouting. Oh no.

And I'm like, I'm upstairs upstairs going what is going on here so I've gotten downstairs and There's a big argument between him and the girl who's here and she's running to a room and she's screaming and he's trying to kick her door in like What like horror movie kicking her door? Yeah, you bitch. I'm gonna kill you and I've got down and I've got some go what what's going on What we doing? And he's sort of like off his head. And then she phones the land lady. And the land lady comes with her husband and her son.

And he's in the kitchen. And it's like, it's like dealing with this guy. It's like dealing with a crazy person in a film. Yeah. It's like a mental asylum. He's lost his head. He's called everyone names saying, I don't care. I'm gonna get there. I'm gonna get, I'm gonna get there. I'm gonna get I'm gonna get him. I'm gonna kill him messing me about and

She is horror movies screaming down the house With the door locked and he keeps running trying to get into what are you doing? Are you restraining him? You don't give down he's like a good film in there. He's off from a car. Oh, he's well-spoken. Right in the standup about it. I'm taking photos. But he's just going off on everyone in the house. And the landlady's there. And then this is now about 1am.

And he runs to the door again and tries kicking the door. And I've grabbed him to calm him down. And he's grabbed me. I mean, he'm a wrestled in the reception area and I've threw him onto a table like WWE's. Oh my god, I'm like, who's school wrestler? Yeah, yeah, yeah, oh school wrestler, yeah. I've been trying to share across my elbow and I've threw it into the house.

I'm under the top turntable going out, aren't I? I'm just trying to hold me back. So I'm holding him on the floor and everybody else in the house is just useless. They don't know what's going on. And I've told him to calm down. So I'm holding them on the floor and everybody else in the house is just like useless. They're all just scared. They don't know what's going on. And I've told him to calm down. He gets up and he leaves and he gets on a motorbike and he goes off. And I'm surprised.

This is so filming. Yeah, it really is, right? I've never seen love island. That's what this is like. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Pretty much. Pretty much. And so I've talked to the land lady and the girl in the room and two of the other house

mates have come downstairs. Not everyone was in. And I've talked to the land lady and the girl in the room and two of the other housemates have come downstairs. Not everyone was in and I've just gone, look, he's clearly, he's basically, he fell in love with her. And I spoke to her and said, what has happened and she said, I kissed him and I shouldn't have because I don't want to be with him and I think I've led him on. And then we've gone, okay, but the way he's acting is completely out of control. Don't blame yourself. Yeah, exactly, yeah. So about an old kiss to crack, I don't know.

Well, you never got it. What are you gonna do? It's crack. He gets hit. Oh, I'll tell you what. Kissing him's very more. He comes back. Yeah, he comes back.

Now me and a landlady are at odds, because I'm telling her that obviously he has to go. We can't have somebody in the house who's violent and he's high on crack and whatever he has to go, it's basic. He comes back without the motorbike and he's a big raise up, so I'm guessing he fell off his motorbike, something's happened.

He comes back, she, they didn't wanna phone the police, the landlady didn't wanna phone the police, and I'm like, we're gonna find a police because you know what what we're gonna do what I wasn't here what would have happened because everybody else they're not gonna do anything so they think the land lady's doing something illegal that she like she illegally so yes I don't know what the land let the film and that will come to the land they put it I'm sorry by the way if you emailed in we're not gonna get you in the first week.

The landlady is also a blot to my whatsapp, it's pretty, anyway, we'll come back to the landlady. So he comes back. You're still living in this place? Yep. What's he called the landlady? What? She calls it to the white.

You skip ahead, don't skip ahead. Still there. He calls back to the house and it's the same again. He's just like f in a blinder, everybody, I don't care, and he's having a go at me. He's like, they don't like you in this house, Darren, because you don't talk to anyone. Yes, he starts telling some home truths.

Yeah, I don't like, yeah. I like it, that's fine. I don't really, we don't really talk. Yeah, it's fine, there's bigger fish to fry. Right now. You can't keep very different hours to everybody else. Really, dude, really, I don't keep crack out. Sure, yeah. I might keep crack out, there's a great thing to do. I'm not going to keep cracking out. I'm sure I'm friends with him. He's the only person who knows the crackets.

The police come. The two police officers come. And the police go to him right. You've got to leave for the night or whatever. You can't stay here. He walks off. As they try and take a statement from her and us, he then comes back and says,

I'm going to go to the police station. I'm going to go to the police station. I'm going to go to the police station. I'm going to go to the police station. I'm going to go to him right, you've got to leave for the night or whatever. You can't say here. He walks off, he, as a, trying to take a statement from her and us, he then comes back and the police have to arrest him. But they have to like physically swing him around on the floor outside as a whole thing because he's resisting arrest basically. So then they arrest him and they put him in cost and they put him at the station. And again, I'm trying to tell the landlady, listen, he has to go, now the landlady

is having a go at me, driven all of this. I seem to be the problem, because I'm the one out of everyone who's like, this is men tall man. Yeah. He's kicking the door down. He's all crack. Why are you having a go at me for? Well, I'm telling you, he's a legit problem.

Anyway, what have you got to do to lose your deposit in this business? What? Yeah, I mean, yeah. I lost my deposit in my last place because the oven wasn't clean. Wow. I mean, come on.

Wow. Oh, I'm not a crack. That DPS scheme, really, really. There's quite some fire and theft on that, man. You want to do one on it. And so the next day, I come back from a gig and I walk in and he's in the kitchen with all of them and it's like he's like, you know what I'm supposed to like text that half and he's

like holding his hand and he's like, look I don't know. He's busky. What happened then? And then again I'm like the psycho because I'm like, you're the bad guy. What is he doing here? Like make the moves to get rid of him. He tried, he was literally trying to get hold of it. I don't know what he would have done. Whether it was a attacker, sectionist, solter, I don't know, but if I wasn't here, it would have been

a whole problem. And he's still there now. He's still at the house. We just don't talk. He's just like, we completely don't talk like, like, it's almost as if he's not. What? And you spoke, have you spoken again to the landlion? I've spoken to you what spoken to the land They need the girl still the girl is still the girl is still there now because for the so for the past The last six months after that up until early Over there They never spoke. And only now are those two having some sort of a speaking relationship. She's got a new boyfriend now who obviously doesn't know what's going on.

But in the house, it's weird because the thing is, he's very much a people person. And that's what crack does. Like he'll take the bins out. He'll get a barbecue going. Really? He's way more loved than the house than me. Crack does like he'll take the bins out. That's what he'll get a barbecue go in really he they love He's way more loved in the house than me. Yeah, all of that because you need to chill out man Yeah, yeah, I really do some crack I said there was a crack and Yeah, as far as I know I said that he's going to rehab and he's doing all that and I don't know

Good for him Because you're like giving up diet coke I don't know. I have to see you're seeing there because you're there giving up Diet Coke. Yeah, well I'll pass on it. I'll give you not Diet Coke. He's like, you know what, there's no point now. I might as well stop, there's no Diet Coke at the house.

But the thing is now, there's only five of us at the house who know what happened, whereas the other four people, are new, so they don't know the back story. They don't know the back story. If fairness to him, he's been okay since then, but I don't talk to him because my thing is, if I have to wrestle you in a house, what, like we can't handle.

Yeah, that's a line in the sand. Is there wrestling someone to the ground in the end? And I have been looking, I am looking that I literally have had a phone call before I got here about new places. I have been looking, it's just a bit, I'm just a bit late on it. And then the girl next door to me, the couple next door,

they were there when it happened. They were there that day. And they did it absolutely nothing. I mean, the boyfriend did absolutely nothing. I remember my phone fell out and he just picked my phone off. It was like, he just did nothing. I mean, that's not, I mean, yeah, I guess, I guess. I guess, I guess.

I guess, I guess. I thought crap. I thought, but the couple next door to me, they now fight as well. What? And I've heard things break in and smell. Oh no! And I don't know if you've ever been in a house before,

where you hear like a domestic going on. And you can hear that they're clearly fighting. And you're like, oh god, do I have to step in? And you've had to step in before for those two having... I mean, it happens every few months, but you're just here banging, banging's and things get smashed and... You're looking to move out, but you really shouldn't move out.

You're the guy who's holding this house together. I really am. It's very underrated. You go, what's gonna happen? It would be like if Batman left Gotham. Yeah. You've got to stay there, man. Otherwise, you know, that house is in deep shit.

You're the glue that's holding it together. It's a very odd, it's a very odd house share where not everybody, necessarily, not everybody gets along. And I think it's because when it comes to the new people moving in, we have no say over it. Yeah. You can't vet those people.

Yeah, so I remember one time we had, before the couple next all to me moved in, the one who's fine, we had a bunch of people who I think were from Greece, but there was five of them in one room, two couples and a deafness. Yeah, that's the reason the language was in English. But they couldn't speak English. There was no English spoken by any of them. So it was just, it was so weird like three months of them living in this house and they're

all crammed into one room. And they're all crammed into one room. Have you ever lived anywhere else than this house? No, you were in London. No. You need to be family. I know this. I know this.

See, I think I'm so war-torn and better. Like, when I get my own place, I'm gonna be, I'm gonna have a fridge, but I'll only use the tough half because that's what I'm used to. I'm gonna be like, yeah, it's gonna be just so empty. The bottom of a fridge. It's hiding in your room. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know. It's such a, it is really an on-how shit. There's been some crazy people in here. What part of town is this? Is it? Wembley. Yeah, I mean, Wembley. So my friend lived there and a room came spare.

I moved there and then she's been gone now for maybe four years. Yeah, yeah, she left and now, but yeah. But yeah, there's been quite a few different characters in there. And they knew, you never know much about them, you never know much about them because everyone just sort of does their own thing. You're only meeting the kitchen if anything.

And then that's it. Or when you throw them on to a table. Or when you throw them on to a table. That's not time to ask by the way, what's your name? Yeah. Wait, you're not on by the way, we've been really chatting. I'm down to meeting you. Maybe a pub quiz team? Yeah, that's what it means. We're not on the way, we're really shatter and piece of meat.

Maybe a pub quiz team? Yeah, that's what it needs. It does need some sort of bonding, you know, maybe let's not bring alcohol into it. Maybe let's go like, you want like a game around us or something? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, it might have had something to do with that. Because of that. Obviously, she was terrified of what was, I was like, it's not like this normally. It is, you're just describing it to her. It's like it all the time. I mean, I don't get involved.

I just tell her normally to stop doing that or shut up. Or wrestle them to the ground. Or wrestle them to the ground. If she's not gonna stick with you after seeing you put a guy through a table and she wasn't for you, mate. Yeah. You need someone who's gonna to swoon at that.

That is true. I mean, I swooned. Yeah, I think we all want to date you now. For a lot of people, that's very attractive. If I saw my wife, I mean, I love my wife very much, but if I saw her slamming a crack head to the ground, I'd be like, I didn't think I'd love you more, but there it is. My soup makes.

There it is. Should we try and solve somebody else's beef? Yeah sure. I think some of those beefs are beyond solving. Aside from maybe just move out. It's the moral dilemma. Do you move out and let them just kill each other? No I'm okay with that. Okay fine, move out. Be solved. For the starting I can be solved. Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes! Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining.

A woman plotting her course to freedom at a lot for her. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Four things. It's a like theaters December 15th. ACAS powers the world's best podcast. Here's a show that we recommend. Hi, I'm David Boros, Canadian historian and host of Curious Canadian History, a bi-weekly

deep dive into the wild, worrisome, and wonderful world of Canadian history. This season we've covered not season Alberta, the Palestinian partition, and even the assassination of Abraham Lincoln. We also have eight seasons worth of back episodes all right there for your listening pleasure. Check out new episodes of curious Canadian history every other Tuesday wherever you get your podcasts. Hey Cast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcast everywhere. ecast.com

So, I don't want to suck DJ. He's got a title. He's giving it a title. It's a lovely reference. Who's this from? This is from Joe, brackets front names only. Thank you, Joe. Good to know. He says, Joe. Yes. Good to know. Good to know. In this day and age. And with an O. Oh, but no, Jay. Hi. Hi, Ben. Hi, Joe. Hi, Ben Matthew Tom and caution team.

Imagine if you will, a flatmate who thinks odd socks are still quirky after 1995. Imagine another flatmate who will steal your perfectly paired socks. Imagine another flatmate who never washes any socks and will regularly pick up socks from the floor, sniff them and then say that'll do before putting dirty socks on. It feels like a real come down after the crash. Yeah, I mean, this is the problem with this episode now, is that we've got someone sniffing dirty socks and you think, yeah, fine, live and let live.

Yeah, dude. Is he using that sock as a tourniquet before you? Because he appears in that I'm not interested. I've never cared before. He's a reason that I'm not interested. Little Twist in a tale though, combine those three flatmates and you get my one partner of seven years. Whoa! Oh!

She is driving me insane. That is an amazing thing. I'm a land star. That's a proper, macho ball. And that was a real twist. So a proper twist, a right twist and a soft. So J.S. says, his partner is wearing odd socks. I mean, who cares about that?

I mean, come on. That's not a thing. Do you ever wear a odd socks, Clarky? On occasion, I don't like to. Yeah, same, yeah. There's something about wearing odd socks. I felt like my whole day's going to be, I'd just don't feel like you can start going to work your life together.

You're going to be off kilter for the entire day. When I, when I was about 20s probably, I start, I just bought all white socks. That's what I did. Five times. Five times, Stein. Is that what I was doing? Well, I was done. Well, I was done, I had the same outfit.

Same outfit. So you bought themself 50 suits, 50 shirts, 50 socks. So he never had, he said he never wanted to use his brain for anything other than what he was trying to do with his work. So he just knew I'm going to weigh that today. So that's what Steve Jobs did. So he made me yell he said he never wanted to use his brain for anything other than what he was trying to do with his work. So he just knew I'm gonna weigh that today. So that's what Steve Jobs did. Same with me, yell at T-shirts. Is that right?

Einstein, jobs, parry. The Holy Trinity. The Holy Trinity of genius. Yeah. Has it helped? I really like not having to think what I'm gonna wear today. Sure, just go in. Get, and I've got all yell at T-shirts that I like.

Go in, yell at T-shirt, jumper on, off we go. I've got lots of different jumper. I was like, go in yellow t-shirt, jumper on off we go. Oh, but lots of different jumpers. That's a thing, yeah. It's been about two hours on my jumpers. Do you have yellow t-shirts that you are particularly fond of, though? No, you just try not, you love them like your kids. Yeah, it's just like, I make sure they're all the same colour yellow that I like. Yeah.

The designs, I'll say, you know, I'll say, I don't have them in my cupboard. Is this how you love your kids? It's kind of not shallots, yeah. Or fire. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Before I say anything that makes me seem like a bad parent, I only have one kid so I can't play favorites But you get really don't have a favorite You're right. That does sound much worse. I do I love my daughter She's not listening. She is listening. Oh Because Charlie will will play this while she's breastfeeding. So it's all going in.

Oh yeah, sure. It's all going in. Yeah. Haclier. Haclier. But basically, I'm saying that you don't want to have any particular favorite yellow t-shirt that you go, actually, I wish that one, was it wasn't in the wash.

Yes. This is what I'm saying. Otherwise, the system falls apart. Because they've all got different logos. It's not they're not playing yellow t-shirts. No. I mean, I just think, I just think socks-wise... Thanks for bringing it back. Oh, that's right, that's what we were talking about, sorry.

Yeah, I thought that was... I jumped my memory as well then. Yeah, I think socks-wise, that's a really good move. Loads of the same socks off you go down and think about it. Yeah, I did the same thing on our back, but... Have you got partners who've ever been told off of balling up your socks when you put them into the laundry? Yeah. That's supposed to be a big no-no. I try not to do that anymore But then you got another joy of bawling up and yeah, that's throwing it in. I was in like throwing it into the laundry

Yeah, it's half the joy of doing your laundry It's why you could not throw it in. You just unball it when you were I have to put it after I just to just feed it feeding in You got like a laundry trap door. Yeah I have to feed it. Feed it in. I wish I could pull it in. Have you got a laundry trap door? I don't like that. A little laundry trap door. A little laundry trap door?

Have you ever lived in a place that had a rubbish trap door? Yes. My grandfather has a rubbish trap door and it used to be like, I mean, now I think about it, she must have been delighted. We went over, we would be like, can we take the bins out, please? That would be a treat. That would be our treat, should I? Yeah, you can take the bins out.

Every time we come over, we get to take the bins out. And that was the special treat. Wow. That was a tough childhood in Bromley, wasn't it? LAUGHTER The South. You should have grown up in the Midlands, mate. I know.

We'd be a lot of friendly. OK, so look, we're not that bothered about the odd socks bit. That's what we're saying now. Not that bothered by the odd socks, no. I can think it's kind of like a sign of endearment and kind of go, I'm wearing something of yours. I think that's my wife's bra. I agree with that. You're right, you're right.

I agree with that though. I think it is quite sweet. I don't mind it. If you can fit into the same clothes, it's quite, if you're part of the sleeping in your boxes or... Oh! Oh, that's... I've never done that, but they're sure. That's sort of... I feel like you've got thrilling nickers on under there. I was finding out what I'm into.

Have you ever swapped underwear with your partner? Just sleeping. Because I imagine silk pants, very comfortable to sleep in. Yeah. Silk sheets. Silk pants. Silk sheets. Silk pants. Silk sheets. Silk pants, yeah. Silk, over time.

Yeah. Silk socks. Let's move on. So, I actually don't, I think that one's stricken from the record as well. I think that's okay as well, but I get the feeling clarky, you don't. Yeah, my partner would steal my trainer socks and that I found an oiling right is that because then I had no trainer socks left How many pairs did you have Get yourself some more trainers

I know I kept you money like get some more trainers off you could do you could buy your own Because if you only got one pair of trainers socks One pair your own because you've only got one pair of trainers socks. They've got one pair. Oh, they're watching beef. Because gradually over time. And also the other thing is all the trainers socks of white, the white wash is less often. Sure. And also trainers socks, they're not filling a wash up. I'm not putting the white trainers socks in the white wash.

No, just whack them in the normal wash. They're trainers socks. I do. I'm going to get white trainers socks in the white wash. No, it's whack him in the normal wash. That's right. I do, I don't think that. They're going to get gray after a while, but you don't see them. They're trainers socks. Yeah. The whole point of the train socks. They're designed to not be seen.

It doesn't matter what color they have. It's done you there. That's absolutely true. You've just done it. You've got a leg to stand on with that. I have that. I'm on your side there, but to be fair, that's science. That's science.

That's science. It's science. It's an open show. I'm able to be on science but yeah, that's science. That's science. That's absolutely right there. It's an open show. I made it into science because I wear the same clothes every single day. It's like Einstein. Einstein. So, all right. So I'm stricken from the record. Oh, I'm not going to lie to you, Joe.

The crack story was a tough act to follow, but you're really, you're being rinsed here, mate. Okay. The third of five. The crack story was a tough act to follow but you're really you're being wrenched here mate. Okay um never watches any socks and regularly picks them up from the floor sniff them and say to that I'll do before putting them on. I say unacceptable. Who puts socks on over the floor though? Well also that's a double whammy isn't it? Don't put your socks on the floor. Don't sniff them. Don't put on dirty on them. You must sniff. do you sniff?

I do. I do sniff and put back. I sniff items sometimes. Oh, you sniff them and put them back in the drawer. Yeah, what do you mean? What? If they've worn them. Yeah, if they're still good.

No. If you're unpants. I can't put them back in a drawer. What? No. I don't put them back in a drawer. You can do that with a t-shirt. You can do that with a shirt, not with underwear.

I think t-shirts, very minor. I put on a t-shirt, you can do that with a shirt, not with underwear. I think t-shirts, bear in mind, I put on a t-shirt in the morning and I wear it. That night in the air, so you do babies. Just to clarify for the, just to clarify for the listener, dear. We'll sign it at the hospital, so they'll be more right.

As long as he puts them back, it's okay. Sniff and put back is fine. So we're just gonna clarify what are, are schools of clothing, it's okay to sniff and put back is fine. So we're just going to clarify what are the articles of clothing? It's okay to sniff and put back. Okay? Yes. T-shirts.

Yeah. Anything that is an underwear? I am actually, I'm going to say, yeah, pants and socks, not okay. Just because I never feel like, I never get to wear that for T-shirt. I think, crucially, I've got a lot of t-shirts. You know the t-shirts that, and this is bad, where the armpits are going a little bit crispy? Yeah.

So I'm not a sweaty man overall. Crucial areas do really sweat. The crucial area is really make up for, you know, the forehead and the rest. Okay. I'm just gonna have a very quick, I'm gonna put a case forward for you guys. I wanna see if you can do it.

I'd love to hear it, okay? This all underwear, not wearing it more than once thing. Yeah, okay. In terms of the environment, the amount of washes we do, the amount of energy we're using is actually detrimental. And the amount of clothes that we wash that we don't need to. So I'd put forward the argument,

do you wash your pyjamas after one night's sleep? No. Your pyjamas are having as much contact with your genitals for the same amount of time as your underwear. I don't have pyjamas for the hospital. I have a tea back to the hospital again. Do you live in a hospital? Is that why it's so full of mental people?

This is good in the next ward. I mean, actually, no, I'll say it. I do live in a hospital. I don't know if it sleeps in a backless gown. I do. You know what I'm saying? Pajamas, it's not expected. You're not expected to wash your pajamas every night.

I agree. You have a lot of contact with your genitals. I've considered this point. Oh, yeah. The great thing, a clocky spot. I think that you are out. It's for public consumption, man. You're out and about.

I also, great songs. You're underwear's for public consumption. It certainly is. It's like, if you wear dirty socks, you have stinky shoes. It's a good point. you make a good point. And that's a bad knock on effect. It's true, and if you take your shoes off, right, if I were to take my shoes off in positive.

I've let it at this. Yeah, he has, he's thought we threw it in. I'm like, I'm back here on this. If I threw it, it was sat on his balcony, piping hand. Not a normal pipe, not a... No, it's not a diet coach, it's not a diet coach. Not a diet coach and crushed stuff. Can I ask the question?

Was that the house mate who saw you on Telly talking about himself? If he was high at the time, that must have been such a weird... He knows it's a surreal... He knows him sat in his room. You just had a toke on some crack. You put on the Telly, the guy from across the road, he's like on Telly talking about you. Yeah. You're just thinking about him real, which is. It's not, Joey, you know. You'd probably quit at that point, right?

Yeah, that's it. If you're looking at me better than this. He'd like, look at his crap, I'd be like, oh, I'm giving up. That's not the equivalent of the Reverend. I'm like, looking at a whiskey, oh. I love the way he's looking at his crack bottles, if to go, yeah. Definitely crack. Still crack, I'm smoking. Oh, he's cracking a whey. He's cracking a whey. He's cracking a whey.

He's cracking a whey. He's cracking a whey. He's cracking a whey. He's cracking a whey. He's cracking a whey. He's cracking a whey. He's cracking a whey. He's cracking a whey.

He's cracking a whey. He's cracking a whey. He's cracking a whey. He's cracking a whey. He's cracking a whey. He's cracking a whey. He's cracking a whey. He's cracking a whey.

He's cracking a whey. He's cracking a whey. He's cracking a whey. stand. We're gonna, that one's a load to stand. So he's got, he's got two of those cases stricken from the record, but one is upheld. Yes, one is upheld, I think that's. So that's two-one. It's pretty good. So it's more, she's all right.

So that's what we said. Yeah, I think, it's compromised, isn't it? You've got, what we've sent to Joe is, you've got to chill out about the odd socks, all right? Firstly, wearing the odd socks, live and let live. If she wants a rocket, Timmy, mallet style, that's great. I'm gonna say, she sounds like a bit of a one, and I'm quite enjoying her.

She sounds like she's a real character. She's a mind-mixing it up. I think Joe needs this person in his life. Do you know what I think? I think she's the most interesting thing about Joe, and I think her friends know that. Yeah. Say her name's, I don't know, Susan.

Sure, could be Susan, why not? Joe's gonna turn up a people's hazes, and the first question he's gonna get is, is Susan with you? Is Susan coming? Yes, the fun half of the couple. Joe, you're bringing Susan tonight. Oh, just you.

Joe, where's your socks? Yeah. Good. Yeah, they're ankle socks, just you. Joe, where's your socks? Oh yeah. Yeah. No, they're ankle socks, I guess. But I reckon that's what's going on here is Joe's partner is the interesting one. Yes. Oh, just Joe's coming. So Joe's the swear.

Yeah. Susan's the... I think you need that in your life, Joe. You need that bit of pep. I tell you what I think Susan might be. One of those ladettes. You read about these days. You know, like Zoe Ball and Sarah Carman. I mean, it's, it's, it's, you know, it was still quirk in 1995.

I think she's fine. I think she's... I think she's... I think she's... I think she's trapped in the 90s. I think she's trapped in the 90s. I think she's... I think she's...

I think she's Badeland Skinner. I'm glad. I love it. No, I think you've brought certain buyers to this, but she's trying to turn it back to the hazy and days of the 90s. Take on this reminds me of. TFI fried.

Does it? Let's call it sock spice. Socks spice. I love it. I think, I think, live and let live on those first two. I think if little things like that bother you, then you need to take a chill pill. Yeah, Joe.

Socks, Bices, where it takes a bloody chill crack. I hope an a-candidate code. That's a poor history. That's a poor history, yeah. Energy crack, right? No, it's cell, wouldn't it? Energy crack, yeah, yeah. Open and closed, should a beef case?

Open and closed, shut beef. Beef closed. Is it beef closed? It's beef sold. Beef sold. I don't know what to listen to this. Beef from the starting of your beef. What's that based beef? Dear Matthew Ben and Tom. Hi. Now, it's implied that it's dear guesters. I don't know.

I always feel excluded. Is that being in my house, share? Yeah, that's what I was worried about. I always put stand up and put clarky through the table. Yeah. Okay, so in future, guys, when you're writing it, yes, this is what I was going to say. Yeah. Dear Matthew Ben and Tom, uncorseum team,

and I beloved guests. And I beloved guests. You can, you beloved optional, but it's nice to hear. Sure, it's nice to be beloved. First off, thank you also for the podcast over the years. Pappies is by far my favourite podcast. Oh, love it. And I'm so thrilled that you're now releasing them weekly.

Whapan! My flatmates, brackets, also known on my husband. Can I just say, did she put the whapan in there? No, no, no, no, no. She didn't put the whapan in me. Oh, and whapan did years. No, my flatmate closed brackets, also known as my husband. She ain't done what my family was made. Oh, I haven't what my dad did years. My flatmate closed brackets, also known as my husband,

open brackets, so I put the brackets the wrong way around. Just to check this person, what's their name by the way? It is anonymous, front names only. Please don't read my name, it'll hold up my husband's but behave your friend of his family, listen, feel free to give me a new name. Darren, what's her new name? Her name is Beverly.

Beverly! Great, lovely. My flatmate also knows that I've lived together for 12 years. During this time many things have changed. We've moved how's twice, had two children, changed jobs five times between us and made it through many of life's hard times together. Oh, this is like the star of the film up, isn't it? I love it. This is great. You really painted a picture, but... This is the montage? Yeah. However, little did we know.

Where were we? I don't know. The end of the same way. Alright. Little did we know, which we did for a routine check-up. No, no, no. I might be able to take this. Little did we know, when we met 13 years ago,

that a pesky little app called WhatsApp would cause us such trouble. Oh, yes. The WhatsApp troubles started in a family group, of course. It was a family group. We've done this. Of which myself, my mother, my siblings, and my husband were members. It was a standard group, pictures of kids, general family chitchat, and making Christmas arranged.

Sorry, can we just back up? Can I just check? So it's the fact that the husband, wife, and the kids and a mother. whats up trouble starting in a family group of which myself, my mother, my sister, this is the wife, this is the niece family, okay. But her husband's in there as well. And the kids. Pictures of the kids, general family, chit chat and making Christmas arrangements. My husband was not keen on the group and commented bad chat in the group chat before leaving

the group. Huge man. That is a mic drop. That is a mic drop. That is a fight in a room and leaving. Bad chat. That is a big one. That is putting the WhatsApp group through a table. It really is. It's the biggest dick swing you can do in WhatsApp. I know it's just.

It's also a great example of a Spondy. Lovely Spondy. What's a Spondy? Two exaggerated words next to each other. Two single syllable words and stresses on both of them. It's basically a trump tweet, that is. Bad chat. Bad chat.

Bad chat. Wow. I've never heard that word before, that's a Spondy. Oh yeah. By the way, this show is sponsored by Spondys. Yes. Well. No.

Okay, so. Well, this caused some awkward smoothing over of the family relationships by me. It blew over and we all managed to move on. This is the start. Fast forward to a year ago, Husband's mother's family set up a WhatsApp group. Oh, hello.

My husband was added as a side. It is a large group with family living all around the UK and there are a lot of messages, pictures and videos, which I like. So all of the family can keep in touch. Lovely. Lovely, lovely. Yeah, that's the best use of WhatsApp, I think.

Keeping people together, sharing photos, it's great. Slightly annoyingly, a large group of the family live in North Wales. I'm starting to think this might be my family. There's a reason, better, anonymous. It is not their location that it is a problem, more that they use the group to arrange small meetups.

Aren't you, Joel? Are you in? If I pop up now, Steph, can I borrow your reek? This became the standard use of the group over one fake four month and the annoyance levels of my husband went through the roof. He left the group, leaving me in it. I made polite excuses. He's having phone problems. I'll add him again as soon as it is started, but he never wanted to be re-added.

Oh wow. My husband now has no idea what is going on with his family. When his great aunt died, a group of his family chipped him for flowers for the funeral. My husband wanted no part of this, and I was stuck in the group pretending that his phone was still broken and that I was relaying his messages. I didn't attend the funeral as our children were so young at the time and the funeral was so far away, but I had to brief my husband on the flowers he had chosen and contributed financially towards. I was beyond furious. We've recently attended a wedding in North Wales and again I had to brief my husband about the names of his cousin's children and show him all the pictures.

So he knew who was who on the day. Oh no. I fully respect my husband's choices to either be in or out of a WhatsApp group. However, this should not be at my expense. Is it really my duty as he spelt to effectively act as his PA, reading messages for him and giving

him the highlights, beef brothers. I put it to you that my husband should not be allowed to have his cake and eat it too. If he wants out of the group, we should admit to his family that he is not in the group. If he wants the family information, he should rejoin the group. Many thanks in advance of your kind of assistance, kind regards anonymous. Yeah. Don't read my name, it'll highlight my husband's by behaviour if any of his family listen. You're free to give me a new name.

If I listen to this and I'm in the family, I'm gonna know who Beth is. Yeah, you've given names of the family in the messages. Steph's in there. And she's got a rake. Steph's right. Oh yeah, so I'll have a rakey Steph. It doesn't sound like he doesn't want to be in the what's the goose.

I think it doesn't want to be in the family. Yeah. Yeah. It doesn't know for to do with them. Your uncle's died, I don't care. Your cousin's had a baby, who gives a shit. Yeah. It's a good point, isn't it?

Yeah. Because I appreciate if you've got a big family, something that's hard to keep abreast of what everyone's up to. And I'm always really blown away when my cousins know what Charlie's up to at work. You know, like when you go, oh that's a big leap to be like, not just knowing what I'm doing,

but also knowing what my wife is doing, and stuff like that. So that's always impressive. So I always feel bad that I'm not necessarily across what like this partners might be doing. So I always think that's good. But at at the same time this guy doesn't seem like he wants to meet them like These are his actual blood relatives. Yeah, it doesn't sound like it doesn't sound like he's very close to them and The whole not she's having to pay financially for just like flowers. Yeah, I was for dead relatives

They're gonna contribute to as he just got a problem with... Tent-up. Yeah, or technology or like. Yeah, but no. Do you think he's actually happier? He said bad chat. Bad chat. He's got a problem with bad chat. He likes gifts and memes.

LAUGHTER He's very much a millennial. In that case, I'm on his side. Yeah, do you think he has them on Facebook? It doesn't seem like a good Facebook. Now, I don't know if this is the case for you, for a lot of people now, is a sprawling mess. Yeah, I don't know who half the people are

and friends are on Facebook. If you do follow me on Facebook, thank you very much. But I've got no idea who these people are. I judge them by having them mutual friends, we've got them coming. Yeah, but then in comedy. Oh, it's horrendous. In comedy.

Oh, we've got 300 new friends. Okay, I've never met you. I've never in common. Yeah, but then in comedy. Yeah, oh, it's a horrendous comedy. Oh, we've got 300 new friends Okay, I've never met you never met you You know, it's it's someone who also as well There are lots of people who are fans of comedy who have gone and befriended 300 comics and then they prefer and June You go oh, I must know this person that turns out that they don't but yeah, it's Facebook's a mess is what we're looking for it. Do we need to give Bev, like so far, she said, his phone's broken. Yeah.

We need to get more excuses. What's Bev gonna, what can Bev do? Like, could she say, oh, we're going on a screen sabbatical? My husband's turning is, you know, and I'm gonna have to support him in this. Thanks everyone. Yeah. Cheers everyone by.

Let's hope the group or something like that. Let's hope he doesn't have a very active Twitter or anything like that. But also she says she likes the photos and she likes the chat. So do you know what, Bev, I think you should stay in the group. Throw him under the bus. Yeah. Throw him under the bus. Just say sorry, I've chatted to him about this.

He couldn't give less of a shit. You know, why are you picking up the slack? He also said buy your own flowers. Yeah a shit. Yeah. You know, why are you picking up the slack? He also said buy your own flowers. Yeah, exactly, yeah. I feel for Bev though, I mean, I'm sure we all do. That's tough, that's tough. That's tough, that. Does it sound like her husband's a bit of a douche?

He does sound like a bit of a douche. He does it in this circumstance. He just doesn't think he's a bit of a douche with family. Yeah, I think he's a bit of a douche. I think he's quite aren't dying. The group has family chipped him for flowers. My husband wanted no part of this douche Yeah, because also bear in mind if a if a group you've been in for flowers

I know flowers are expensive, but if there's a big enough group. It's not gonna be it's not gonna break the bank Also, she's dead, so there's enough to be great The most fancy flowers grab a couple of daisies from outside. Wack them on the coffin off she goes Okay, that's the most fancy flower. Grab a couple of daisies from outside, and whack them on the coffin off she goes. Yeah. Darren, are you a douche? Yeah.

Yeah. Okay, so final advice to Bev. I think he's got a spare. I think we need to be careful here, because we don't want to break up a 12-year marriage. I don't think, I don't think we break up a 12-year marriage. I just think that she can't be doing his dirty work. If he's saying I don't want any part of it,

he has to say that to them. He can't say that to her and, you know, then the mess you get on. Personally, I think they know. I think the fan, they're aware of him. This is not a one-off. I think they're just waiting for her to just say what it is.

Yeah, he just doesn't want to be in a WhatsApp group. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's always one in a family. Yeah, old uncle Dush. Yeah, they want nothing to do with it. No, Dush. They have just tell them they get it, they'll know. Yeah, we know. They know it, they'll know.

And actually, then once you've opened the floodgates, you can have a good laugh in behind his back. This is basically, like, this is a two-page email that Beve sent us here. She's got a lot of this on her chest. She's carrying the weight on her shoulders. If you and Steph could have a good chuckle about it, then you're laughing. Yes. I mean, that's the definition of a chuckle.

LAUGHTER Oh, there we go. We got there in the end. Yeah, I reckon. Good chat. Beave closed. Beave soft. Ah!

Even Darren knows the catchphrase. Beave from the starting again Beave soft. All right so in this final section of the podcast what we normally do Darren is we get Fanshawe Standin, Tom's Deep South lawyer friend to solve a problem about a fact share a base beef of your own. Now it's pretty complex your beef. Yeah. So let's just bring him out here and So the problem about you a fact share base beef of your own now It's pretty complex your beef. Yeah, so let's just bring him out here and see what you say all right. You go and get you go and get it Well, well, well Ladies and gentlemen of the podcast, who pleasure to be here.

Mark good friend Darren over there. First time caller, long time fan of you. I'm a long time fan of you. Been a fan of Darren Haritz for a long time. He'll listen outside there to your travails about this place where you live. Hell upstairs downstairs. And the lead is cheaper. Kind of got me thinking about place where I come from small town. where you live hell upstairs downstairs in the lead is cheaper. Kind of got me thinking about, please, where I come from, small town, simple folk there,

out there in the hills, reminded me of a little store. Yeah, made of mine, went by the name of Paul Hamm. Paul Hamm. Paul Hamm. He's a Spongebob. He's a Spongebob. Spongebob himself, he'll let me tell you something. Paul Hamdee had himself a good idea one day. Money maker, chance to get out of town. He wasn't a fan of the town. Real shame. That's the thing that I enjoy the most. Getting out of town and making money. He wanted to make money and get out of town. Started going round town

shooting his mouth off telling to folks. I got me an idea to get out of here. Got no time for you Timmy Tam. You're probably remember Timmy Tam. Yeah he's a small biscuit. Small biscuit. Small biscuit big trousers. That's on the set about 10. Anyway, Paul Ham shouting the mouth off goes into the tavern starts causing a ruckus there. Priced beef. No one likes to be told about the price of beef round here. Shouting his mouth off wearing his fancy coat. I'm getting out of town. He says two days later Sunday morning. He's in church. Oh They're wearing his pants

Can I ask if he watched them first or is it a second day wearer? A dancer Paul Ham second day wear. Oh Hey Paul wears all your money gone Someone says it was me Well good along story short fans sure I ate it Bam that Paul the date all his money No more going out of town for Paul ham Still lives there no one talks to him

What I'm trying to tell you Darren you should never eat money Not wise Anyway, I've got to go now by Really impressive really impressive work. It's interesting what funch was said today. I think I think that really helped me as well It was a strange tail, but you know don't eat money. Yeah that's sort of where where he ended up which is good advice. Yeah in general. I mean I ate one pound twenty in coins. I think he's pretty much smoking. He's smoking money. Yeah maybe there's something in there. Maybe there's a link. But then, you know, food cost money. Things cost money.

Things cost money. Yeah. So we know, we know closest to the answer that we were when he started. But thanks a bunch. Something to do. Why, the curts was in the next couple of days. Well, beef shut.

How about that? Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah. Beef shut. Your sketch phrase. Beef shut. Beef shut. Not solved. Well, come back to that beef. Yeah're a catchphrase. Be sure. Be sure. Not solved. We'll come back to that beef.

Yeah. We'll reopen it. Darren, will you come back on in like a few months' time so you can keep us updated on this house situation? Yeah, sure. It's like, this is a soap opera that we need to part. Yeah, I will. It always gets a bit worse around Christmas, I think.

Oh, oh, oh. A Christmas special. Yeah. Do you put a Christmas tree in the farm? No. Where? In a minute of kitchen. Maybe that would bring the fluts together.

Made of... Made of... Maybe that's anything. But I feel like... There'd be like a kitty for it. And then... Yeah, and then it's still a kitty. Yeah, it'd be my weirder to kitty.

Yeah, it's a kitty. Each of you... Each of you... eat the kid to smoke the tree. Eat the kid to smoke the tree. Eat the money. Get it. Beef shut. You're not a son of a making me, you've saved. Wow, we strong.

There's a lot going on. You know what, it's really got me in the mood for some crack. Yeah, and why not try crack? If you enjoyed the episode, go and treat yourself some crack, but also leave a review on iTunes for our episode. In fact, smoke some crack and then leave the review. See if it... I mean, come on, if you're on crack, this is a five-star podcast. Absolutely. Also support the Patreon.

We can't do this without your support. We love our Patreon community. So, you know, go out, smoke some crack, get on Patreon, and then donate some money. Also, follow us at Papi's tweet, where you can also tweet us to your beefs. Find us on Facebook, Papi's Flaxer on Facebook, and if you can't do any of those things, then just recommend us to your friends, because we... Right, because they're saying, just smoke some crack guys. If you are going to smoke some crack, then, we, we, right. We're just, just, then just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just,

just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just,

just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just,

just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just next time, stay tuned for the Patreon neighborhood watch roll. But, which is a great one this week. Always. Always a great one, but finally, this episode was produced by Emma Corsher. Corsher team! Buh-buh-buh-buh! Cheers everyone! Bye!

People who care and those who don't. Please be upstanding for the Patreon neighborhood, White Rocker! For please drink responsibly. She couldn't be any fairer. It's Sarah. Let me tell you the tale of the man who was once destroyed by the famous Gorgon. He had big hair, he played the loot.

His name was once Mr. Stephen Morgan. That was good, actually. What's his name now, I'll do you think. We'll never know. We'll never know. For the Gorgon did change his name. Let me tell you a story about a man who traveled far and wide. Oh, yes.

He slew the dragon, he drank a flag and he had a wonderful time. And every time I hear this name, it chills me to my bow. Oh, his name, we all know sing it now. It's Marcus Carlson Jones. Can we stop there because I don't think I'm gonna do a better one? Go, Glocky. Once. Oh, in a forest far away,

On the outskirts of a town lived a small boy Who grew up with a thirst for gold. He traveled far and wide to try and Oh, is it Shriest? Is the town he lived on the outskirt was? Whitley, and his name was surely known far and wide as Mike Shipley. Let me tell you the tale, let me tell you true of a town that once was stricken Let me tell you true of a town that once was stricken by a dragon that did a shit on the church when was killed by my man, Rickon. Oh, gee, I mean, that's terrible tale. Yeah, I mean, no wonder Rickon had to get involved there.

God, thank God for Rick and... Gather round while I tell you a tale, it will fill a heart with joy. I hope so. It's a tale for a child, it's a tale for a man, it's a tale for a girl or a boy. For a child. It's a tale for everyone non-binary as well.

It is a tale, I'm happy to tell for those non-binary as well. It is a tale. I'm happy to tell for those non-binary as well. This tale got slightly addressed. I'm sorry. I've forgotten that I didn't want to tell you, but I've forgotten the tale. Halfway through the tale, I realised. Do you reckon the story teller would ever do that? In medieval times. It's been so long telling us that he was gonna tell a tale.

He's going to fucking tell the tale. I'm sorry. Okay. I'll tell the tale of a bold and brave and wonderful maiden true. She traveled through this land of ours and the dragons many she slew. And every time I hear her name the pride swells in my bosom. Her name I think we can all agree. Her name is Karin Rosom. I can agree with that. Yes, I agree. His name is Karin Rosom.

Rosom. Rosom. Rosom. There once was a man brave and true with his hair so golden straight. He would travel around. He would skip. He would jump. And he would jump. He would travel around, he would skip, he would drum and he drum peaked. He drum and dragons he would berates. But once there was one so big and fast that he had to

to this dragon, he had to try and strafe. Of course he managed it because he is the wonderful James Colbraith He strafe the dragon guy. He strafe for it man. He strafe the dragon. He strafe there. Let me tell you a tale Let me tell you true of a dragon that had piles So bad they were he couldn't shit on the church, but it was killed by Joseph Miles. Oh no, a poor dragon. What a putty of it's misregisive. Gather round, oh young, and allow me to tell the tale.

I've just told it before and I'll tell it again, and also have one in between. 2019, whether E.B. a small person, whether E.B. large, whether E.B. old person, whether E. you live on a barge, whether you be of no fixed abode, whether you're a boat is strong, and whether you live up a tree, or whether you're bored of this song, whenever you hear this story,

a smile will come over your face, whenever you would have had, just like the dragon came over mine at the end of a running race. What a photo finish that was. I was waiting this, waiting the three-legged face. Believe you, me, I couldn't have written it, but a dragon gist in my face. As I wiped away, as I wiped away, with no racquet, I couldn't believe what I was seeing and I said, who will slay this dragon and a man's death for what it was Ian? Well, let me tell you what, tell you it is about a man. Yes he is bold and brave and strong and also he has nice feet and with them he used to run around and that is no mean feat.

Oh my god. Oh yes, he gives me all the feels. Ah, and his name is Matthew Neil. They go. Let me tell you the tale you tell you true about the time when a dragon sat on a dragon the chat on a church and stair was bed. Well, that concludes this week's neighbourhood watch role call. Let me tell you a tale of the role gold that starts it strong but then went wrong.

Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes! Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman planting her coast of freedom at a lot for. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Poor things. It's like theaters December 15th.