Pappy's Flatshare - Beef Brothers Cold Cuts w/ Ed Jones S12E44

Episode Date: November 29, 2022

The Beef Brothers are here to sort out your beef with special guest Ed JonesEd Jones - https://www.instagram.com/edjonesuk/Crybabies - https://twitter.com/crybabiescomedyPappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetPappy's Insta - https://www.instagram.com/pappyscomedy/Oh and because Crosby randomly started promising loads of links at the end of the episode, here are some other thingsThe show of the year is coming home - Christmas Slamdown and Beef Brothers live stream - https://www.tickettext.co.uk/IAXE4Nbt08Crybabys at Soho Theatre - https://sohotheatre.com/shows/crybabies-bagbeard/Your Christmas or Mine - here's the trailer, the whole thing will be available to watch on Amazon Prime from Friday 2nd Dec - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ObRmLzY3ulAIf you have a flatshare-based beef you'd like us to solve then send it to [e-mail] us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareProduced by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Greetings, listener dear, I'm Tom. I am Matthew and welcome to another exciting episode of Pappy's Flat Share, Beef Brothers Cold Cuts. And this one features the wonderful Ed Jones. He's absolutely great. Ed Jones, one of the stars of Cry Babies, one of the best sketch teams around at the moment. Saw the Minerad in Bra in Edinburgh last year. They're fantastic

He did some he didn't appearance in King Redolfo, Keir and Dad show and he's fantastic nominated this this last Edden Refestival Best is that right where they probably for best newcomer? The one before the one before that certainly yeah, yeah, yeah, this is how out of the loop I am Never yeah, I never leave Beckinum Yeah, this is how out of the loop I am. I never leave it. I never leave Beckinham. He's very funny on Instagram, which is how I know him.

And if you're not following him, he's definitely worth a follow. His videos are absolutely brilliant, really, really funny. But yeah, Ed is our guest. So yeah, just very quickly, there are tickets available for the live stream. I guess, you know, they'll just be available for forever because we can just sell as many as we like. So there are still tickets

available for the live stream for the Christmas show. For the show of the year. The show of the year, exactly. Yeah, so the live show is happening on December 11th, it's a Sunday afternoon, it starts at 5.30 with a beef brunner's cold cuts with James A. Castor. Then after that we've got a flat-shear slam down with loose sand as an authentic of Blenu. It's going to be really, really good fun. It's at 21 soho. A new venue to us, we've not been there before, but they seem really lovely.

And I'm excited to do it. I'm really champion at the bit now. We've not, again, crucially, we've not written any of it, but trust us, it'll be good. There is a whiff of advocate in the air. Oh my goodness. Yeah, if you want to get yourself, I mean, I was,

because we had a lot of trouble buying it last year, I'd order in, I'd get on your Tesco delivery and order that advocate in early doors to make sure you've got some to watch it while you're watching it. Famously, there's a shortage of eggs in the country at the moment. So it could be problematic for us. It's very true, actually. So it could be problematic for us. Very true, actually.

So the rationing eggs. I think Lord knows what's that gonna do to the other car industry. I think in terms of like important uses of eggs, I would say Avocars way down the list, right? I would say, you know, they're the... Any other month of the year, Matthew, I'd agree with you.

But not in December, of course. But it is the season. It is the season. In fact, if I found out that that's the reason why there's a shortage of eggs, I'd be absolutely delighted. You'd be proud. You'd be proud of that, wouldn't you? Yeah.

And I think, look, you're only known one box of eggs per house or because we're really cranking it up in the advocate factory. I'd be like, two, right? Yeah. It is the bloody season. We don't have a proper Christmas this year, of course. So tickatex.com at UK is where to go to,

there is a link in the show notes, or if you follow us on Twitter, at Pappy's tweet, if you're still doing, we haven't done mastered on yet. I mean, come on. When it's just, we're too old for that kind of caper now. Find us on Twitter, find us on Instagram. There are links in, you know, on those bits of social media. And yeah, a link in the show notes.

And if you are a member of the Patreon, patreon.com, forward slash pappies, flat share, then you can get a pound off each ticket for the live stream that you buy. Although, if you're a household, you really, you really only need to buy one. You need to buy one for each person. Some people do, if they wanna get,

you know, if they're full of the Christmas spirit, or they just don't get on with their housemates That's all so fine, but yeah one per house all to do it. Oh, we should say as well No, Clarky for this episode, but don't worry. He is he's doing very very well. He was just he's can be asked so Just didn't know you've got he's got it. He's actually we should He just doesn't go it's got a real beef with head jones. But listen, we actually didn't mention that in the body of the episode,

because we didn't want to upset an head, but you could tell, when Ed logged on to the zoom, you could see a look of relief come over his face, and he was like, yeah, good. Well, he feels threatened, doesn't he? And you could on the block, and he just feels, he feels with threatened, and understandably so. Understandably so understandably so Right Let's crack on with the episode. This is beef brothers cold cuts with Ed Jones enjoy it

Right you ho let's get into this show. Well, let's stop fucking around. Let's stop fucking around. Hey, did you know what you're here? Yeah, this is you. You got 30 minutes. Yeah. You wish about 90 minutes. Yeah.

Yeah. You're not gonna get out in 30, mate. You're gonna come for the rest of your evening plans. Basically, what we're here to do is look, our listeners have got beef, they've got problems with their flat share situations, with their living arrangements, we're here to help them sort them out.

You up for that task? Dream, sounds good. Yeah. What's your living arrangement? What's your kind of setup? So I live above a chip shop, which is because everything in my life is going to plan. It's, is that great or awful?

Like, what are the pros or what are the cons of life above the Chippy? So when you first move in, you like, you kind of get the Willy Wonka syndrome and you think, oh, this is it for the rest of the month. We're going to be best mates. I'm just going to have free sausage and chips every single day. And we'll do it. Yeah, I'll be there scooping, scooping, cababs up into paper.

Don't fall into the deep fat fryer. Oh, but lump, but just go, open or wrap. Am I saying that right? Open or wrap. But yes, it quickly, it quickly soured. I reckon I'll fill you in properly with when I guess to my beef territory because there's a lot to unravel there.

Right, a lot to unpack out the newspaper. I would say that's how my problems would be. My cons, I guess would be the smell. Yeah, it's an issue. It's a little bit of the kind of smell that gets everywhere. Yeah, it's an issue. It's a kind of smell that gets everywhere. Yeah, it's quite an abrasive scent. Yeah.

I mean, like the pro slash con, obviously, is I would not trust myself living another. You'd never cook a meal again, would you Tom? You would cook another meal. You'd just every night would be fish and chips. When I first moved to London, there was a fish and chips shop on the way from the tube to my house and I would say it was three to four times a week. Oi!

Problems! Problems! Problems! Deep-set problems. Deep-fried problems. And it never be intentional, it'd be like, get back from work, out to gig, gig, back on the tube. Oh, I haven't eaten, I've had three pints, chips.

Did they get to know you? Were you sort of familiar? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, problems. I've got his name tattooed on my back. Problems. You'd walk into the shop, then pop a savloian.

In to the microwave, not in to make. Well, eventually it's you. Eventually it's you. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, listen, what'd you mind? What'd you mind if it was you were just going to get to me? Imagine walking in there, just

slip it straight into your gob. Eyes closed. Well, any who, that's, yeah, it's kind of, I lived in a pub for a couple of years after, after, I left uni and it was my best mate from schools pub and it was very similar that Willy Wonka syndrome of going like, this is amazing and then like, four months later when you kind of had pork scratching every day and when you're mostly pork scratching at that point.

When you're most sick. Yeah, yeah. Then you realise you just want to go home. I want to go home. I don't like living in a pub anymore. Anyway. Right. Well, yeah, that's it.

And what about who'd you live with? Do you live on your own? Do you live with housemates? I live with a significant other. Just the two of us in our little chip, chip Haven, that we've made for ourselves here. And how are they, in terms of, like, chip-based restraint? Oh, they're like, they're a saint.

Yeah. It's my partner, she never... Well, she's probably got the biggest beef of the mall with the guys downstairs. It's like a real, a real, on-running soap opera that we've got going on. But yeah, it's like... It's really, it's all conquering.

Like, once you get the chippy waft, once it starts to come through, it gets into the walls, it's all conquering. Once you get the chippy waft, once it starts to come through, it gets into the walls, it gets into your clothes. It's deep in your marrow, isn't it? Yeah, my brother for a short while worked at McDonald's and the uniform, this is back when we were all living at home, my parents could never get his uniform clean. To the clean standard that my mother...

It's like Lady Macbeth. Out down in the spot. Yeah. I agree spot works, man. Thanks, I mean. I'm not proud of Big Mac. We're workshopping here. I hope Big Mac.

Here's this large prize I see before me. We can keep working it through. Well, if any of you wants to suggest their own We're workshopping here. I think Mark. Is this a large prize I see before me? We can keep working it through. Well, if any of you wants to suggest their own MacDonald's Macbeth-related, you know, it writes itself really, doesn't it? From the starting I can be! Shall we try and solve some other people's beefs?

Let's do it. Let's start off. We simply must. In fact, let's start, Tom, do you want to read James's beef? Now it's not just one, it's three beefs. So it's a triple beef. It's a triple beef here to sink our teeth into. Wow, okay, here we go.

Triple beef from James via beefbrotherspodcast.gmail.com. Get in touch and use email to great effective way to get in touch. Hello podcast provider, dears and esteemed guest. Me and my partner, Brackett's house mate, get on quite well. But there are a couple of small things she does that I find strange. And as long as Matthew doesn't blame it all on me and say I'm a bad person, I'm happy to share them with you.

Can I, by the way, this, you know, like, I didn't realize I'd do this. We've had a few messages. We've had a few messages in where they're like, listen, I send this in with some trepidation because what I feel is gonna happen is that Matthew's gonna read it and go, well, the problem's you, mate, the problem's you.

So I take that as a written warning, right? I think that as a written warning, I've already had a verbal warning. We had a small intervention about a written warning, right? I think I take that as a written warning. I've already had a- Because we had a small intervention about a year ago, but it feels like it might have crept back in. Yeah, which episode was it? It was, who was it? Oh, it's Janine Haruni.

Janine Haruni and I went in hard. And yeah, and a few people say that to me after it and said, that was too much. Well, if you don't, who will? If not now, when? Somebody, you know, I've practiced tough, just love her, you know. You've got a backup to, if Janine goes,

you've got a backup, John, I mean, you can't leave a follow-up on the run. Exactly. She's a tough new, you're broad, you know. You've got it in, you can't. Janine, you're a tough new, you're broad, you understand? Right, anyway, listen, so James, I take that on board. I'm ready to be as nice as possible.

Okay, I really am. I mean, weirdly, that beef that you got, it was about Jay walking on the sidewalk. Yeah. Yeah. So he was trying to strarmy and assert. Just bang on the front of the taxi, the yellow taxi, and scream, I'm walking here, I'm walking here.

Problem solved. What's wrong with you? Did you, I've heard an interview of Dustin Hoffman, like I know that was like, it was like famously unscripted that line. That's right, yeah. It's a genuine incident. Yeah.

And he says, what he was about to say was, we're filming here, but realized the cameras were still running, so at the last minute, it changed it to I'm walking here, but he said I'm walking here. His brain was going, we're filming here, but realised the cameras were still rolling, so the last minute changed it to I'm walking here, but he's like, his brain was going, we're filming here, and he just changed the words at the last minute, and the energy was I'm walking here, but he was about to say I'm filming here. That's happened enough, because you know we're going to need a bigger boat, was improvised. He actually said we're going to need a bigger camera to film this massive fake shark.

But the last second he was like no because they're filming me I shouldn't say something that fits in with the with the the reality of the film. Yeah He's looking at you kid was originally his pointing camera you kid and saying action He just changed it the last minute You know that bit in there's that bit in oceans 11 where Brad Pitt turns to George Cludy and he says, you want to take down the Bellagio and what that was actually scripted, that was worth the rough one. But that's the thing about Pitt. He's a real pride.

You give him a script, he learns, he shows up on time, he says the words in a nice loud voice and that's why he earns what he does. Exactly. But weirdly, he didn't think he was being filmed. He never told him. He doesn't ever know. He doesn't know he was being filmed. He never told him. He doesn't know his own actor. He just thinks people feed him things to say and that's cool. Yeah.

What a life. No one's going to tell him. He'd be weird at this stage to tell him. Right. What's James got to say for himself the wonderful man? Well, he's got three things to unpack here. Okay. I'm interested to see what order he's unpacking them whether he's safe in the big one Like if B3 is like she cheats on Oh, when he's gonna stick with the big one, let's say When washing up my girlfriend decides to put the knives point down

Into the wire drain. I was kind of blunts the knives a bit. She also complains that I look like a serial killer when I do decide to sharpen them. I have them pointed up to drain, but she thinks someone will injure themselves like this. Can you tell me who is right? Now are we doing these as we go? Or are we there?

Yeah, I tell you what, let's take each one as they come. I think that's the best way to do it, right? Okay, yeah. Yeah. Well, let's take each one as they come. I think that's the best way to do it, right? Okay, yeah. Yeah. Well, Ed, where do you stand? Do you want to hear something interesting? Of course, man. I go cutlery up, so your knives and your forks,

they're raising the roof. Yeah. But the proper kitchen knives down for the very same concern. I don't want me or other significant other to end up with a kind of... Yes, hearing yourself, yeah. Yeah, sounds a clause in hot fuzz situation. Yeah.

Okay, and now you're going to tell us the interesting thing, right? There's a real slap in there, sorry. Sorry, sorry. It's because I can't turn on James, I had to turn on Ed instead. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Ed, it's because I can't turn on James, I had to turn an ed instead. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry ed That was unfair I too normal cutlery pointed up, but I have a tray that goes Horizontally so the kitchen knives I like flat Yeah, that's nice that's not the middle man is get their own but they're laid flat

Yeah, I blanked it bed. Yeah, I blanked it bed. A blankedy bed for your knives. Like the boardbeans. Don't, crowed, it crossed big Cuxbro beans in the dishwasher. Yeah, sure. I could call my food in the dishwasher. Don't go round your size for dinner. Have you seen that it was,

it's a show on the learning channel about people who saved money. Like it's like people who saved money to a freakish degree, and one of the things is cooking a lasagna in the dishwasher. You put your dishes in, and no, it's genuinely, this is what they do. Because it gets to such a temperature, you can do it.

So they get the lasagna, they make the lasagna in the sort of the Pyrex dish, and they wrap it really tightly with foil. They wrap it in 70 pounds worth of foil. Yeah, they're wasting gold. If you think they're not reusing the foil, you're a fool to yourself, Tom, they're reusing that foil. There was another bit where a guy reckoning can get up to 20-ish uses out of a kitchen towel.

So when he uses a single sheet, when he's got a washing light across his kitchen, which he'll then hang up the used kitchen towels, let them dry out and use them again. Come on, man. You got to have some sex, man. You got to do it. Everyone's doing it. He's a depressing thing.

He also, this is another mad feature. The same guy, not the person who was cooking in the dishwasher. The same guy, freezes his credit cards, like physically puts them in blocks of ice, he puts them in water, puts them in the freezer. So when he has to use his credit card, he really has to really want to use his credit card. He has to put a hammer to the ice.

He's just got a problem. No, he's got, I think one problem, yeah. He's got a message. Did it once by accident and then was like, I know it's because when I need to use it, it's so I really know that I want to use it, obviously. Exactly. Exactly. So I think that what we try and do in our house,

but we don't always do, is dry the sharp knives immediately and they go straight back in the block. That's the kind of house rule. But only for the sharp knives. Freeze them. Freeze, yeah. So I really wanna cut that thing. I really wanna cut it.

If you can't use your teeth, you know, what's the point? Yeah, but I think your yeah, I think your solution is a beautiful halfway house Tom. Lion's straight. Lion's straight, down straight, but ultimately that I know the party line is, don't put them, I mean, that's what we've all been told, right, don't put them down.

I don't really know why. It can't blunt them, can it? I can't bring it. I think it can probably bend the end to them, right? If you really put them down hard. I'll slam a natural. I don't know.

In between your fingers. Yeah. Can you try to throw them in? But I think, I also, like, isn't a dishwasher supposed to blunt them as well? Right, dishwashers are supposed to blotter. The real answer is, you shouldn't put your sharp knives in the dishwasher.

Yeah, that's not what you said. There's a nice lasagna in there. That's not what Yeah, that's not what you see in the slasanya in there. That's not what you see. He's not saying put them in the dishwasher, he's just saying put them in the draining, in the draining board, right? He's having a bad time. Oh yeah, yeah. Put them down for a while.

I think he's well within his rights to sharpen them. I think there's weird as you look, you've got to do it. You get an extra 10 years out of a knife by sharpen them. You just need to stop eyeballing her when you sharpen them. Yeah, and you want to be looking at the knife just from a, I'm going to say it guys, when you sharpen your knives, look at your knives. You always say that in your life. Yeah, that's your catchphrase, isn't it?

So it's not quite out of taste, but you know, no, it's good in there. Out out down grease bar. Are we still on that game? still on that part of the game Yeah, I think I think yeah, I think absolutely You're absolutely right Tom a compromise so in which case that's fine neither of them are right Yep, you know, but we've got a solution for you James. I hope you're hope you have that one Let's let's let's do another beef two. Beef two she likes to vacuum. Oh yeah there's more. Beef two she likes to vacuum which is very kind of her to do it all but when she is done oh fuck me this is my wife's trick oh god

when she is done she will leave the vacuum in whatever room she was last in. Oh God, when she is done she will leave the vacuum in whatever room she was last in. We have a cupboard where the vacuum lives and the lead is just laying on the floor or very badly wrapped around the vacuum, not on the specific lead wrapping part. Yeah, yeah, right. My, yeah, my wife has exactly the same policy which is you get trapped because A, she's vacuumed, so thank you so much for vacuuming. I don't want to see one grateful, but she has literally put stopped vacuuming and walked away. I'm flanking into the sky.

Like, but she, yeah, she's been sent to my unresolved business. So it's just like put down and walk off. And so you want to be like, you feel like a real dick for going like, I think like, yeah, you've done that, but dad do this. Yeah. It is, it is infuriating. Can I ask a question here? Why do, like, why do you not, and this is to put to both you and to James, why do you not kind of reframe in your mind that this is a job share? She does the worst bit of it, which is the big bit of it, and you do the other bit of it. There are jobs in the house that only I do, right? There are jobs in the house that only my wife does. That's just the way it is. And I feel like there is a way around this where you go,

oh, I'm the guy who puts away the vacuum cleaner. Because I've, I think I'm exactly, I very rarely live my life, Matthew, that's exactly how I live my life. A mental job share, just going, I'm the guy who puts the vacuum cleaner away. I've got one up on James, because I've got a lead retracting button,

which makes very nice fucking, man. What are you working with, mate? What are you working with nowadays,? What are you working with nowadays? Vacuum wise. It's a Dyson. Nice. Alright, alright. And I'm low to tell you more because I don't know.

But it's one of those Dyson boys. It does the job. And of course it's a plug-in because it's got a lead. I need to say I'm working with out, I'm working wireless these days. Oh, I got a deal. Are you, because Clark, he's a big exponent of this, is it one of those ones that sticks on the wall?

It's very trendy. No, I didn't, I thought the kind of wall holster is maybe a bit too like gunslinging. I think I get a bit too much satisfaction from just like wearing it around my finger and then clanking it back onto the wall. No, it's just, and it folds down on itself like a robot being decommissioned.

And it's great. And boys, you hardly notice it. You hardly, it's like it's not even there. So it's like it does about it after it's done its job. Essentially, yes, yeah, that's how I like to think. It's in a shark. Namaste. It is a shark, it's a sweet shark, yeah.

There you go. Clarky talks about a shark a lot as well. I think it's like almost like a cult like, once you're in. He's one of us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I also think it's in Dyson a bit, isn't Dyson a bit brexity, like,

because I actually have a Dyson as well. And I remember talking to someone as I was on my way to buy a new Dyson to replace the Dyson, I was like, you can't buy a Dyson, because if you start on Brexit, and I just went and bought pretty much the exact same move I had before, because I had the e-sign.

I mean, come on. You can start on Brexit was, but I've had a big minion jack on it. Come on. You're not using an air blade, are you? Because you want to remain. Yeah., not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, not you, no. Oh, fuck, come on. So what are we saying here? We're saying, you should go.

We're saying, by a shark, this podcast is sponsored by a shark, who's a big fan of you. Use code, bigger boat for two percent off a check out. I think what you said is a great idea. Like split the load, make it a team activity. People are always looking for like date fun date nights. She does a bit of the vacuuming, you then put it away, it's an activity you can share. It's a bit...

You're both invested in exactly. Because always not as well. And again, I'm trying to be very judicious around this, but she likes to vacuum, which is very kind of her to do it all. I wonder if we spoke to James' partner, whether or not she'd vacuum, which is very kind of her to do it all. I wonder if we smoked to James' partner, whether or not she'd say, I just love vacuuming, or if she'd say, if I don't do it, no other fucker will, you know. And I feel like, so I feel like if there is a job that you don't particularly like doing, that someone else is doing, and there's a little bit of extra cleanup at the end. Just like the Dyson, just suck it up.

Very nice. Thanks mate. LAUGHTER Are we sponsored by Dyson now as well? We're also sponsored by Dyson, isn't it? Of all the weeks. It's such a conflict. Just like the Brexit vote result. Suck it up.

You lost, get over it, Dice. Right, okay. B3. My partner cheats on me all the time. B3. Oh, here's something she doesn't like to do. She doesn't like to go to the end of the garden to hang washing out. Brackets the garden is quite long. Oh, umble, bruh.

Good for you, mate. I'm once doing pretty well. I have suggested I will bring the rotary line closer, but she doesn't like that idea. She then decides to hang the washing on various chairs, or miscellaneous garden equipment that is nearer the back door, it then often falls on the floor meaning she wants to rewash said item. This is a tricky one here isn't it? This is still outside. Sort of utensils she's using is still outside but just not the designated. She's a garden equipment.. She uses God and death. And miscellaneous God and equipment. A law and a mower. You're not using, you're not hanging, you're not.

And surely. Oh my gosh. Surely you're not hanging your smalls on a hoe. That can't be happening, can it? No, no. Don't hang your smalls on a hoe. Yeah, if you prop it up against the wall, the little thing is coming out, a rake.

If you get a rake. A rake? Yeah, I could picture that. You could see. I could use it as coat hooks. I think if you've got a trow A rake? Yeah, I could picture that. You could see. I could see as co-hooks. I think if you've got a trowel, maybe you could use that to keep the shape of your shoes. If you put your trainers in the wash, after a bit of mud.

Absolutely, absolutely, absolutely. So we're putting the trowel in there. So some of it probably works really, really well. A rake could have, a rake could have eight socks on it, right? Of course. Beautiful. Well, one of those, like, horizontal rakes, but I'm thinking of one of those, like, you know, those forked out, buddies. Beautiful. One of those horizontal rakes, but I'm thinking of one of those forked

out buddies. What your wire spread one. Oh yeah, that's how many prongs has that got on it, you reckon? I was thinking about banging it out into a t-shirt. Oh yeah, just spread it around a little bit. Keep the birds off your lawn. Stick a suck on a swing bowl and just whack it around a few times like a big outdoor salad spinner. Air it out. Air it out. This is working, yeah. You're getting a workout, guys, I'm coming round.

I'm not a bad system. No, I'm inclined to say, go and buy more garden equipment and see what you come up with. Get yourself down to the garden centre and obviously what you don't want to start going because when you go to the garden centre, the temptation is to get the water feature. You know, don't get anything that's going to dampen the clothes. It's going to get anything more wet at this point. No, but absolutely get yourself a few stone cherubs that don't squirt water out of their genitals and just have a bit of fun with those. I think this is a good one finding those. Those cherubs bloody love squirting.

What are they, Jennifer, let me tell you. It's true. You can have a chance. You can have a chance. You can have a half a chance, and that's what they'll be doing. Um, is, I mean, like, is the other thing, this thing of going on suggested I bring the rotary line closer,

but she doesn't like that idea. We should explore that, shouldn't we? Yeah. So, is it, shouldn't we? Yeah. So, James, shouldn't there be a why behind that? Because that's the answer. He's thought of the answer, which is like that. I guess it'd ruin the garden being closer to the house. They're not particularly attractive items.

Yeah, that's true. Yeah, that's true. Bit of an eye sore. Yeah. Is that the problem? Is it the, the, but the thing is, could you jazz up the rotary line?

Could you make, could you do a paint job on it, make it look like a fucking tree or some shit? There you go, go. Go on that trail on it. Yeah, as if it's just part of the scenery, yeah. Oh, do you have a little bit? Just, I don't have to needlessly aggressive description of jazzing up a rotary line.

I would love to see you. I'd love to see you on ground force. I could really like, I don't know, some fucking, what was think of some fucking crazy pay-over that fucking call over there. On a dead line, man, the real pressure would kick in, just thought, I would get absolutely losing my shit. The way I think here is we just, we dig all this bit up, we put vegetable birds down,

and some cutting decking over in that side, but I mean, I don't know. It's a good thing. I mean, I like what we've come up with there, which is by going big on the garden equipment, let it create. When does the garden then become a grotto? You know, like, yeah, that's true.

Like when Sam's isn't it? Well, this is, but the thing, my uncle had a grotto in his garden that was like, it wasn't just, that sounds like a lie that a primary school kid would say. Yeah. My uncle's got a grotto. Yeah, yeah. It wasn't a grotto, okay. It wasn't like Santa's grotto, it didn't have like a little shed

and like sort of fake snow and elves running around. It was like he would have, he would go to the seaside and get shells and like push them into concrete and like make little kind of like, what do you call like a mosaic out of shells. Yeah, yeah. So he had that was his kind of grotto,

but it also had loads of stone figurines and stuff. It would have been a perfect place to, if you've done a big wash, it would be a perfect place to try out your clothes. Did he set out to make a grotto or did he kind of start making something and it didn't really go to plan? He was like, oh, no, it's a grotto. Yeah, did he just have a load of shells? I mean, he could have just been clinically depressed. I don't know what was going on with man. But it was so unhealthy. It was, no, it was, you know, there was not a lot to do in Ireland in the 80s. And so, you know, like he had a grotto. The shells in your garden and corner a grotto.

Yeah, he sort of set shells. But you know, as kids, we went to visit on our holidays. We'd love it. Get to explore the grotto. It felt very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, he sort of set shells, but you know, as kids, we went to visit on our holidays, we'd love it, get to explore the grotto. It felt very magical.

Explore the grotto, do a quick lap. You're in and out in eight seconds. Yeah, you're right, you're right. It wasn't a huge garden. And I'm glad I've got that. Once you've seen the shells, yeah, still the shells are the only ones that give've seen the shells. Yeah, well, the shells have the unique ones, the gift shell. Oh, good job, eh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. OK, yeah, I think we've explored it now. Is it still there, the grotto? Well, no, unfortunately, because both my aunt and uncle have passed, they've sold the house. So I'm assuming the grotto went and had added tens of thousands onto there. Well, what's the price?

I think I believe the house in the end was sold for something like 20 grand. That's so, I don't know. I don't know. I'm a show, a genuinely cost model in there. I don't know what, yeah. I don't know what, what. I think in the end there was a real sort of to do

over who was gonna get which bit of the money and then when the money didn't, they were like, actually, it's just a remaster. Well, the grotto knocked a hundred grand off the asking price didn't it? That's how shit that grotto was. It was a deal breaker for another three point. The house is amazing there's five bedrooms double glazing is pretty but yeah you do look outside the back garden.

We've got a level. We will be compensating for that. So sorry. It's the creepy grotto everyone. We will be compensating for that. So sorry. It's a creepy grotto, everyone. It's something you rarely see on selling sunset. You know? They're very rarely do the girls have to explain away a grotto.

They're always telling you that Lady Gaga lives just a grotto over there. They never go, oh yeah, I've got Johnny Eusteliff here. These stones pressed into concrete. We can lift those right out. Don't you worry, we'll put a pull in. We've had the survey back and no damp, pipes from gravy, but no, unfortunately we did find a grotto. You may want to push back on the outskirts of all that. There's no way we can ensure a property with a grotto.

We had all the curtains drawn on the back of the house when we went to see it. That was all action. They made a really panicky noise when we said can we see the garden, but we put an offer in. It's not like this tarpaulin out the back. Oh yeah, a lot of corpses, don't worry about it. It's fine. So yeah, it's a very good, how do we get onto that? But yeah, it's a good point. Why is it about the back of the garden

that is causing such a problem? What is it about moving the road road? It was a good point. Why is it this can't make this fucking roadtree line? A fucking tree? John I mean, like this is the fuck this problem? This is it. John I mean, it's time for me to...

It's time for me to do it. I like, I think let her express herself across her miscellaneous garden equipment. Yeah. It's like she's very creative, you know. Well, it also sounds like she's doing the lion share of the housework because she's doing the washing up. She's doing the knives.

She's not doing the knives. The lion share of the, he's got his water. He's got his water. No. And knives to sharpen. I'm sorry darling I just I've got a lot of knives to sharpen I'm afraid. I've just got you know you go to bed I've got a lot work to do. Well happy anniversary. Yeah. Thanks for the new rotary line. I won't be using it. If you have suggestions on how to solve these small conflicts of mine, I'd be eternally grateful. I think we've sorted you out there, one, two, three. Keep up the excellent work and hope that I will convince my partner to come to one of the live shows in the future.

Oh, she's not a fan. She isn't one. That marriage is doomed. There's no love there. You can do. I totally found out. I didn't realize that we should have found out what kind of person she is. She's not a fun of the podcast. Can I just say that I think both James and his wife are great people and I wish them the best of luck. Nice, nice. He's good.

You see you're learning. Well done. The trainings kicking in. Beef solved. I'm a son of a beef solved. All right, this is TV remote beef. This is from Georgia. This is via beefbrotherspodcast.gmail.com.

You've got to get in touch, guys. Please get in touch, man. Georgia says, dear puppies and lovely guests, I've been living with a friend for over a year. On the whole, she's an excellent person to live with. Very clean, quiet, and most importantly, works 50 hours a week in a bar, meaning I rarely bump into her around the house.

A great result for my introverted ass, who lived alone for two years previously. Okay, okay. Do you show what the rest of her body is like? Is it just her ass that's introverted ass? It's just the introverted ass. It's a kind of, it's a really feel. I saw that on embarrassing bodies, actually.

So what an introverted ass. It's a kind of black hole a really feel I saw that on embarrassing bodies actually so an intro that's it's a kind of black hole situation just if you press your belly button enough it will pop out pop out the other way it's like those sneakers used to be a pump-up from the from the from the tongue just keep pressing your belly you're interested ask for pop straight out you'll get there you'll get there she goes on set my My beef is that. In our shared living room, she seems to insist on leaving the TV remote on the TV stand,

rather than somewhere within reach, such as the coffee table or the sofa. Every time I go in there, I will sit on the sofa only to remember that the TV remote is out of reach, and then I have to stand up in block capitals, walk over to then sit back down, allowing to interject before your first solution. I can't talk to her about this. It wasn't going to be your first solution.

But I cannot talk to her about this. As previously stated, I hardly ever see her. As I write this, it's been 10 days since I last saw her, and that's nothing. I once managed to avoid her for over two months. When I do see her, we have long, important catch-ups. Have you quit your job yet? I dumped the man I was dating. I saw the creepy neighbor, et cetera, et cetera.

I cannot simply slide her, what is it with you in the bloody TV remote into that conversation? Cheers by Georgia. Georgia. Georgia. Georgia. Oh well, well, well, she's on my mind. She's leaving on a midnight train to get the TV. Yeah. Right.

Well, there's two solutions. And I feel like I've already got to train myself not to say the first one. See, yeah. Right. Well, there's two solutions. And I feel like, I've already got to train myself not to say the first one. Yeah, don't. I interject with any solutions here. No, I've been in the same way. And having been given the written warning

from James early doors, I can't just say, come on, they think of you fit bit and have a couple more steps. That was Matthew 1.0 and that was beta Matthew. This is Matthew 2.0. How about getting yourself a fun poking stick to turn the cellion? Oh, like a long, fun poking stick. Like a long, fun poking stick, you know?

If it's, you know, the bottom of the day tellies don't respond to a poking stick. I'm looking at my TV right now, I don't see a button on it. Yeah, it's a good point actually. All right, what about a long poking stick with a little downward pointing finger on it that you can press the buttons on the remote from the sofa?

I'm not gonna lost a really old, that's not really had that. So it could be you type finger, that's exactly it. And it presses the buttons. Possibly what you'll want to do actually is you'll want to equip it with a small camera in the finger. Yeah, nice. So you can see the buttons you're pressing.

You get a life-room. You're going to get a drone, maybe. Possibly a drone, all, I mean, anytime I can suggest someone buys a drone, always a life issue. You get a life issue. You get a life issue. You get a life issue. You get a life issue. You get a life issue. You get a life issue. You get a life issue. You get a life issue. You get a life issue. You get a life issue.

You get a life issue. You get a life issue. You get a life issue. You get a life issue. You get a life issue. You get a life issue. You get a life issue. You get a life issue.

You get a life issue. You get a life issue. You get a life issue. You get a life issue. You get a life issue. You get a life issue. You get a life issue. You get a life issue. You get a life issue. You get a life issue. You get a life issue. You get a life issue. You get a life issue. just living room with drones. But something that makes it, makes the activity of either retrieving the remote or pressing the remote from a distance,

a little bit of fun. And then it's a fun little story you can share with, with your house mate. But I've made this, and it's because of something that you've done that really pisses me off, but isn't it funny? It's passive aggressive craft is what it is. Yes, I, well I had a similar answer,

but it was a bit more sly, which is we're coming into Christmas. So what you should do is pretend that a family member has bought you a remote control, either nest or little cushion. Oh, you're right. Something. Yes, absolutely. So the nest was remote controlled. You know, I'm going to get up and press the nest. Isn't that so annoying?

Yeah, it's not a remote control nest. It's a nest for the remote control. Of course. So it'd be like a little novelty deck chair or a... That's fun. Like, you know, like a... And you'd go, oh my God, my uncle bought me this. Yeah, a little saucy, but she's in a bathing costume from the 50s and she's holding a big remote. Oh, I don't remember, I don't remember being this big along those. It's body, it's good clean, fast. It's got a seaside postcard humor.

Yes, yeah, yeah. And, oh, find my button. And you'd kind of like put it there and it's like, look, oh, we've got a place for the remote control here and it's like there it is, there's the remote control mess. Then it's like, oh, what a weird gift. Let's give it a go. And then it's in the house, you've relocated where the remote control lives,

but you've done it in a real kind of inconsequential. That is excellent. I think that's textbook. I think bringing back the uncle as well is a good thing to say, look, you know what it's like? If we don't use it and he comes around the house, then it's just gonna throw himself into his grotto in a big way. Yeah, it's my auntie won't see it in a month.

Exactly, he's grotto, he has, because now all he can do is build up and so he's, you know, like, he's basically building a big shard like struck, you have the local beaches. He's completely bare of shells, exactly. He's basically causing tired erosion now, this age, that's what's happening. Yeah, I feel like that's it.

Blame it on the uncle, but come up with a little, a little nest. I think that is excellent, you know. Where do you stand on this? Ed. So I have, all right, so I'm looking at my TV right now. And, could you focus on the podcast, please mate. So I just go, I know.

I'm not afraid. It's Australia's on. I don't know if the world's got that in. This will happen if you try to record a podcast. Four matches a day, come on. The... See how I grew up, sorry, yes. No, I'm listening, yes.

I'm a big fan of grotesque. That's all. I've got like a little Ikea kind of cabinet. One of those, you know those sort of like old school style, metal, door things. Oh, yes. So I've got a telly on top of that, and there's just a neat little convenient

spot where I can just whack the remote in front of that. Oh, actually, I tell it like, but then because you've got the doors, I whack the remote inside that. It's gone. It's out of sight, out of mind. So your remote control is going back at the tele every time. It's living in its little prison. Yeah, yeah. And that's how I feel the same way. I think if I had to pick a side here, I'm with the housemate because I think you know where the TV remote is. This whole thing, why don't you leave it on the coffee table or on the sofa?

So that's in the wild, it's floating, it's going missing, where is it? At least you always know where it is. It's at the tele. You've got to get the tele, you get that exactly right. It's gone home, it's gone to where it should be. You're never going to have to stand up. It's stick a grass here over the top of it

or whatever and end up not being able to find it. If you just have that place, yeah. I mean, in our situation, it's going to be, it's next to the tele, but it's on a high shelf next to the tele so the kids can't get to it. Very cool. That's that's that's that's that's that's that. You don't want to watch Australia France.

You will watch Poland Mexico and nothing else. So but yeah, I think that I think that's it. You know, I'm again, I'm looking at the TV in in in this room now and there it is. They've got two remotes next to the tele out of reach, but crucially within reach of me. Having to go to the teley to get the remote control isn't as frustrating as not knowing where the remote control is. Absolutely. Once you're into a lifting cushions off the sofa situation, you'll be missing the glory days of having the remote control back where it's all well-wrestled.

I just thought of a compromise, though. Is it a drone? It's not a drone. It's less technologically advanced than a drone. But you remember like when you used to go to the bank and they would have a pen on a chain, how about you put a chain on the remote, attach it to the coffee table.

So it's got a maximum radius, right? You can only really use it from the next to the coffee table. But it's got a maximum radius, right? You can only really use it from the seat next to the coffee table, but at least you always know it's there. And then that way, you could put the little vacuum cleaner retractable button in there somewhere. So when you're done, that's it?

Yes. Smacking back in again. On a little stretchy, a little stretchy bit of string, yeah. I'll be going back though, when the original remote controls on a wire that went to the tele, aren't we kind of trying to take a look?

Yeah, I'll be going backwards from where we are now, which is remote control. Just listen to the radio. You guys are going to listen to my radio. Read a book. Just read a book. That's why technology's not being easy. Easy cross me, easy, don't stop it,

aggressive to watch. Don't aggressively tell people to read books. That's what I want. But yeah, no, it's easy, cross me, easy, don't go, don't start getting aggressive to more people. No, aggressively tell people to read books. That's what I want to say. But yeah, no, okay, yeah, it's not, it's crucially, it's not as good as your, as your bit of advice there Tom, which is, play in the uncle and buy a little deck chair. Yeah, novelty, novelty, body deck chair. Yeah, novelty, body deck chair, beef sold.

As soon as this podcast finishes, I'm off to see if they exist. And if not, I'm patenting a remote control dac chair. Yeah. From the starting, I get beef. It's soft. Okay, so our free range beef. I'm gonna say this steak is very tender, sir.

That's a, is because it's free range beef. Bow down. Comes from Steve. And it's free range canteen beef. Steve writes, hello, pat, yes. Which should just tell you that quickly a free range beef means it's out the house. It can be anywhere in the world. It's in the world, okay.

It's out there in the wild. Yeah, and this is set in a canteen. Hello, Pappies. I have a bit of beef going with the guy who runs the canteen at work. I've recently started working in a high school, and one of the great perks is that we get a full cooked lunch every day. Oh my goodness. You know what, I envy that.

I love a school dinners. The food is great quality, and after spending the last few years at home, daily preparing lunch and dinner for everyone, it's lovely having someone else do it for a change. I just turn up and chow down. But there is one guy there, the boss, I think, who seems to have it in for me. I've struck up a good rapport with most of the staff, but he always has quite a severe look about him and rarely speaks or smiles.

A few weeks ago, the pudding was individual bonoffie pies. What I asked if there was, I mean, delicious, right? He said, it's a lot. He called in a bonoffie pie. What I asked if there was anything without banana in it, he scowled at me and pointed to a bowl of lettuce before looking away and serving someone else. I think that's, well, okay, let's keep going.

Then last week, he took it too far. Beef and onion pie was on the menu. He was at the vegetation, and dinner lady was dishing up the pie and passing the plate to him to put the veg on. He was serving the girl in front of me in the queue while the nice lady with a huge smile dished me out a lovely extra big portion of pie. As she passed it to this guy to add the veg, he was handing over a much smaller portion to the girl in front. She shook her head and said, I wanted the vegetarian, and

with his trademark grimace, He just handed the plate to me Instead of proceed instead and proceeded to dish up something for the vegetarian girl So he got the smaller pie right? Hey, okay. I didn't move for a moment looking from my plate To the plate on the counter that had been intended for me But a side was looked from him Indicator that I was holding up the line and I trudged off to eat my small pie Maybe I should have spoken up maybe I should have a word with him But here's preparing my food at the end of the day

I don't want him to do anything truly horrible to it cheers everyone pie Steve I really hope he was saying that like as he sat down He's really carving it now. She said something something. Next time you just gotta say something. Come on, do you? Come on mate, you better than this. Right. Okay, now again, pushing me to break and point this. I mean, you do.

I mean, it would be a hell of a thing if the guy had planned that little, actually, like, like, if he had gone, this or fuck this guy off. But I'm going to get a vegetarian to be in front of him in the queue. I'm going to do my best, right? I'm going to do my best. I'm going to do my best. I'm going to do my best. I'm going to do my best.

I'm going to do my best. I'm going to do my best. I'm going to do my best. I'm going to do my best. I'm going to do my best. I'm going to do my best. I'm going to do my best. I'm going to do my best. I'm going to do my best. I'm going gonna do my best and talk directly to Steve, right? Steve, looking through your message, right? There are lots of things you say here where he didn't say anything or he did this with a grimace or he looks like he was annoyed or his look suggested that I was holding up the cue. Steve, I have a feeling here and I think, you know, obviously,

you're a lovely guy, you've got a beautiful turn of phrase, I loved your message, but I think you need to back yourself, be a little bit more confident. Don't worry too much about what other people are thinking of you. I feel like a lot of this might be going on up in your old head here, or your young head, how old you are? You know, I would have to work in a high school and not be in the high school, so let's say in your media-maged head, I think some of the, I know what it's like if you feel like someone's got it in few, then everything they do becomes a thorn in your side and a jacket through your heart,

but I feel like a lot of these things are fine. They're just, it just so happened that there wasn't an extra dessert that didn't have banana in. You know, have a Yorkie on things are fine. You know, they're just, you know, it just so happened that there wasn't an extra dessert that didn't have banana in. You know, have a Yorkie on the way home. Let me honest, he was funny there. He was funny. You know what, that, he did it.

That's, that's, that's, that's this guy's got a deadpan face, you know, man. He's, that's, he's just, that's his level of balance. You know, he's got one picture in like a, yeah, big, big like, Billowee Chefs hat. He's got a rolling pin in his hand. He's, he picture right here. Yeah, big, big like Billowee Chefs hat. He's got a rolling pin in his hand. He's not happy. He is not happy that people are asking him.

Yeah. I think he's like a Walter Matta type, you know, like Han Han Dog expression, kind of like this movie star, kind of great. But I think the big thing here is, what we need to find out is, is he like, well, I thought that story was gonna be, was the vegetarian in front of me, he told a out is he like, what I thought that story was going to be was

the vegetarian in front of me he told a joke to he had a smile with that he gave her a bit of extra and said have a nice weekend and then I arrived and he did nothing like At the moment all we know is this is a great human What does universal Granchie with you so can we get you need to send through a few you. So can we get, you need to send through a few sample people or you need to talk to some colleagues and find out what their experience of this guy is because it feels like that's just him man. It doesn't feel like he's doing it just for you. But then how can we test that, you know, can we get a few people in, get somebody else in to do the banan line. that, you know, can we get a few people in, get somebody else in to do the banana line? Yes, see how that I mean, ladies.

Dude, I've got sweet, sweet FAA going on in my life, so I will come to this school. I will, I will, you know, have done my best, I could be a very good, yeah, just 16 year old, I could wear a hat back. Well, yeah, interesting, yeah, I could see, I put you in there as a six former, kind of like, yeah, like, you know, 21 boys, who transferred from another school, it's just like, yeah, I could see I put you in there as a six former kind of like yeah I like that 21.3 Transfer from another school. It's kind of cool and mysterious, but he doesn't like banana and that's that's his kind of edge That's his street edge, I guess but put me through the system man. I'm ready to go. Yeah He's been held back a couple of years. He doesn't like banana. He does like ecstasy

He doesn't like banana, he does like ecstasy. He's the real guy. And then we'll see how you fare, you film, it will put some kind of hidden camera on you, crossbeal with some kind of drone, you're following you. Well, we'll get the evidence that we can then show. I'll put you on a Lisa's kid in school. Put you on a big chain attached to the desk. What's your character in this? Because Ed's going to be a six-former

and you're going in as a middle-aged man who keeps him on a chain. That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, basically the chain, actually it won't be a chain. It will be a retractable thing. But as soon as things get too dicey and we need to drag him out the situation,

we'll press the button and they'll be yanked back into a bad, moving off down the street. Beautiful. If our cover gets blown, that's what will happen. Well the press of a button, it'll be yanked to safety. Yeah, yeah, I like it. But yeah, I think Tom, I think you're, you know, once again, I think you're right. I feel like this is a clash of personalities, but it crucially doesn't from this reading

sound like he's got it in for you, Steve. It seems like he might be a little bit miserable at work, he might even just be, like, he might just enjoy being grouchy. Yeah. Plenty of people out there like that. I guess this is the season, right? If you're ever going to, this feels like it's kind of got rom-com written all over it. If there was ever a time to reach out and sort of bridge the divide.

Yeah. Now's the time to over it. If there was ever a time to reach out and sort of bridge the divide. Now's the time to do it. Share up, you know, sit down over a small pie and just have it out. Yeah. What about giving them a present? Yes. Got you know going, because you know as well there's a teaching adage. Well like I was a teacher for a few years and there was an adage they said don't smile I was a teacher for a few years and there was an adage they said, don't smile until after Christmas. That was a way of kind of instilling authority in the classroom. Don't smile at the classes until after Christmas. You have a term of, seem like you're really hard and then when you are nice to them, they're like, oh, he's actually, he's actually alright.

But you've already instilled. You've cry until he's said. I'm not there, he's just non-stop. Don't really freak yourself out. Don't shit yourself till the summer turn. Then let the flood gates open on hand. Yeah. Unfortunately, there was no, don't have a kid ram a desk into your balls very, very early on during the first half term.

And there was no, there was no actually smile. Nothing makes you smile like that, does it cross my mind? Oh my gosh. I did, I did. Don't smile. I just smiled like they would in an 80s movie when someone gets kicked in the nuts. I smiled, I went cross side, I fell backwards.

It was, yeah, it was, but I think that maybe that's what this guy's doing. We're not yet at the turn of the first term. You've only just started the job there. Maybe that's what he's doing. Maybe he's teaching you a lesson so that when he, you know what, on the day when he's serving out of the veg, and he gives you an extra scoop of carrots and peas, you'll be like, you know what mate, how'd you all wrong? And he's like, you know, points to the letters again, because that's his...

Yeah, that's his train, that's his train. Yeah, yeah, it's his lead, Mateaf. I mean he hasn't said that, but that was the letters that they were filming to outlast Liz Truss' premiership. Yeah, he's just... He was really impressed. He was, you know, it was satire, really. It was going to like, he was doing that to everybody

to a DVD box set of Hoverage. He was for you. He's a poor man. He's quite a piece. Famous, he's quite grouchy. Right, I mean, yeah, I think Steve, I tell you what, I think Steve, just I tell you what, I think is our is our answer to that beef higher red as an undercover actor, because that's my favorite one.

The rates are good. The rates are reasonable. Listen, certainly. What are you charging at to be undercover for the day? So you get the free lunch, right? Oh, yeah, you're getting the free lunch. I'll draw the line there. Great. Great. Okay. So Ed will do it for the free lunch. You bring Ed in and see how this grouchy motherfucker treats this young upstance. It will lead into a 17-again situation. I'm going to end up making it onto the basketball team and just reliving all my dreams. Sorry, it's meant to be up in the aftertaste.

We've got to pull you out, but I'm on the lead in the school play. Jenny's going to ask me to the prom. Ed, Ed, you're into deep. Never. Well, I think we solved another beef solved. From the starting, I can be solved. Ed, now,. From the starting I can be! You've solved! Ed, now, you tease this at the start of the episode. But what is the beef with the fish and ship chop below your dwelling?

So as you know, as your instincts so rightly gauged you, it's to do with the smell. It's to do with the kind of odour, odour batter that we're dealing with. So it's maybe like once a month, I want to say one day a month, the Wopt will start to come through the floorboards. And you know that's fine when you're out and about, but when like during lockdown and stuff, when every single breath that you take is mostly nuggets. This isn't how I want my life to be mate. But so I was like,

you know what, I'm just gonna go sort this out. I'm gonna, you know, much like the last guy, I'm gonna go have a word with the chef. There's probably no issue. I'm just gonna sort this out. That's probably been a misunderstanding. So I kind of cite myself outside the chip shop, go in and say, sorry mate, it's your extract fan working.

And he said, yep, all fine. I was like, yeah, nice, nice, cool, cool. So I bought two cababs when I went back to my house. I did to the problem. That's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's problem. It's not what it's else worse. But then I was a little, a little weasel of a boy and I a message my landlord because they own like the flat and the chip shop. They're the old-seeing eye in this situation.

Oh, right. And I essentially, sorry, everybody, I kind of dobbed them in and I was like, Oh was like, oh please, oh my flat smells of chips. Oh please, can you make it? Stop smelling of chips, please. And then my landlord got in touch with them and they had to like install a new fancy system. And then a couple of hours, like, okay, well it's just done. It's done, you did what you had to do.

You're a little weasel for a day, but your life is inordinately better, that's fine. But then a couple of weeks later, I get a knock on the door, and it's the main like Kabab man, and he was like, next time you be a man, you be a man and you come to me. No!

You don't go to them behind my back, you come to me. And I was six, but I bought another two Kababs. I'm 10, I'm 10 points. Did he have the ready for you? It's super easy. Come on. Straight into the face. You got changed for a 20 mate. Just keep it.

So now there's like a kind of long running standoff where every time I pass, there's a big window that I have to walk past to get into my flap. And there's always a kind of like, he's kind of like a Puccino-esque guy just standing in the window just staring me out. And yeah, I'm just wondering, do I go back and be like, you know what, mate?

What's done is done. Let's let bygones be bygones. But it's sensitive, it's sensitive. And essentially I kind of run into my flap every week. Have you brought a cup of from him since? Last, I've sent people, I've sent guests to my flat to be like, you should try the, you should try the chips downstairs, they're great. So I've kind of indirectly given them business, but I'm too scared to go in there myself.

But you haven't said, you haven't said, and to say, I'd sent you. You've not gone. No, no, I don't think they know my name is a thing. So they would just... Right. You know what, we really like this guy, Ed. But that guy upstairs, us. Right.

Well, I've got quite a problem with you. I've got a problem with you. I've got a Canadian Herudium. I've got quite a bold solution. And, but I think it will eventually work. Nice. Is that you have to turn your flat into a rival better fish and chip shop.

Oh, I think that's what happened. It's already, yeah, exactly. It's already smelling, oh, like a fish and chip shop. Cut out the middle, man. And make it smell of your fish and chip shop and undercut them. Yes, yes. Because also as well, you don't have to worry about the ventilation, there's no one above you, right? Is there anyone above you? There's a flat above us, yeah. Okay, right, well, we're now in trouble.

But if they also set up a little bit of healthy competition, yeah, we're offering a kind of, we'll have a little fun boozy twist on it. They can do that to authentic stuff. Well, if he's compositioned, yeah, we're offering a kind of, we'll have a little fun bougie twist on it. They can do that to the authentic stuff. No one's gonna be interested in the middle kebab shop in that situation. No, it's a piece, you're going into the ground floor or you're up in the garden,

you know, me with a visor on crunching the numbers. They're people that are just not coming. This business, this business at all. I see a walk past my front door to get to the other one. Ha, ha, ha. They got the views up there. I think, I mean, there's got to be some kind of showdown now, right? Do you think? You know, putting in like a healthy way, like, and look, I know this has been my go to

for most of these beasts, but tears, the season. Yeah, I see. What you got to do is you've got to pick your right bottle. Our friend, do you know, um, Joe Camille from the birthday girls? No, I don't. So her, she's a friend of the show. Her father is a, uh, he owns a cabab van. Nice. Turkish, very proud Turkish man and he is also a judo black belt and he trains and so I'm really picturing this man as like your kind of guy. Yeah, that's pretty much. Yeah, I picture this very kind of this kind of very matcho, very alpha, always in

judo costume. Which is mad because that really retains the grease, honestly. You can never get that clean. You should see him chop that meat though off the fence. It's really almost. I didn't send a chance. What I'm saying is, I'm thinking like some kind of, like a bottle of oozoo or something, like some kind of clear liquor.

You know, like you go in, you know, that's a good idea. You talk like 25 quid kind of, this is the big, so all like a good vodka. Yeah, I would say, check where he's from before you buy him a Greek beverage. I would just say, really good. I don't think I'm gonna say it. I'm the most famous Greek drink.

Just check, he's got a Turkish bloke or a good porosipri, you know, let me make sure you, not like a lemon cellar. So, like, like, go in and put it down. Like, put it down. Like, put it down. Like, put it down. Like, put it down. Like, put it down. Like, put it down.

Like, put it down. Like, put it down. Like, put it down. Like, put it down. Like, put it down. Like, put it down. Like, put it down. Like, put it down.

Like, put it down. Like, put it down. Like, put it down. Like, put it down. Like, put it down. Like, put it down. Like, put it down. Like, put it down. Like, put it down. Like, put it down. Like, put it down. Like, put it down Go in and put it down and be like,

happy Christmas, happy new year, new year, bygones, shake his hand, ordrake a bab, and then out you go. Yeah. I think something like that where it's like, I don't know if that's true. It's just a gesture and it's Christmas and it's like stick a little,

one of those sticky bows on it So that it's not like I'm giving you this to make up. It's like it's Christmas Yeah, I'm the one who can't the shop. Yeah, yeah You go and you go to walk out the shop and he goes like my friend You turn around and he's already put two glasses down and he he pulls you a shot He pulls himself a shot you walk back in, you clink glasses, hot oil in the face. LAUGHTER

He hold his trick in the butt. LAUGHTER Prison style. Yeah, boiling water and sugar. LAUGHTER And then, and then like, you know, it's kind of like there's that respect, mutual respect. You could leave with your head held high and it feels like that's the kind of gesture

this man had respond to. Yeah, that's what I see it. I like it. How long ago, sorry, Ed, how long ago was the B.A. Man chat? So that was, that was maybe, I want to say September 2021. So we're looking at about 15, 14 months. I've had a little while to become a man. Why don't you pretend that you've just turned 18?

Yeah. I've got to put my same high school outfit on again. Oh, no, no, no. It's time for Christmas. Is it too late to do November, right at the end of the month? LAUGHTER Be a man. And then, oh man.

And you've not been in the shop since. Yes, which is what a man would do is run away from the situation. Yeah, it's hard to know. It's hard to know to be a man. Well, maybe this man needs to learn that sometimes being a man means showing you vulnerable. Yeah, very Christmas. Yeah.

Then walk out the shop, slowly disappear. Roll credits. Sorry, up into the sky. Leave it behind a vacuum cleaner. You think vacuum, God, caught on a door. But my vacuum's wireless. God, shocked himself up into the sky. Yeah, I want to see that moment.

I'd like to see that moment. Get hammered and get in there and order a big cabab. Yeah, maybe that's the angle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let the drunk talk do the work. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, basically, whatever, whatever, whatever idea you, we've come up with, it's got to be, you've got to go back into that show up and speak to me again. You've got to go back into the shop, man. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. When you do it with the intention of getting him drunk,

whether you do it with your drunk, I reckon, I think you'll, I think your first instinct was right, Tom. Yeah, wrap a bottle up and then of course inside as he unwraps the bottle just inside a little flyer saying opening January 2023. Up to this fish and chips shop. 20% off coupon. Fishing chips done right. Manly portions. Beef solved. Beef solved. Cheers, Ed. Thanks for helping us get through all of those things. Thanks so much for having me. How do you feel we did though? Like, you know, as an outside observer, how do you feel specifically, how did I do on not rinsing all of the guests? Was I, did I see what, if you'd written in to the podcast,

would you felt happy to listen again? I think you're at the hand of reason. There was nothing to, yeah, great. Nothing to outrageous about it. I think you, Judge, Judge, did just right. Thank you, that's exactly what I need to hear. Well, the same, right back at you, right back at you, Ed. Thank you for not Janine Harooning it.

Next time. Next time. Is there anything you want to plug while you're on the show? We're doing, um, the Crab Baby Boys. We're doing our, um, Ed and Michelle, which time you came to see, Tom, Tom, Tom, you're going to see, on like the third day, when there are about 12 people in the audience, and nobody laughed. And there was a point where you laughed at a joke,

and the two people in front of you, like turn round, being like, excuse me, I'm trying to watch this show. I was laughing so hard. I was like the only person laughing, and it was really making me laugh even more. But it was fun to show. It's so sad. But yeah, so we're doing bag beer to sell

from the 16th to the 21st of January. And that'd be good fun. I cannot recommend that show enough. It could not be more up my alley. So if you like really smart, silly comedy, go and see it. I mean, if you're a sketchhead, I mean, this is, we were looking up at the puppies boys being like, yeah, we got to get up there, we got to put a plastic bag on someone's face and

try and make a show. Yeah, I mean, it's bag-beard, isn't able to show, right? Yes, yes. And it's three of you and one of you is just, how did you decide who wasn't going to be in the publicity? Basically I do decide who wasn't going to get to you know stand next to their poster in Ed and Brunt. Yeah, exactly It's all written into contracts so like yeah, it's featuring James Galt with Michael Clark and Ed Jones. That's the recipe. Yeah, that's what we're going for. Yeah, I mean, we had like,

we did a show years ago where we were playing like Goblins that made dreams. And it was a quite a thing. It wasn't a rip-roaring success at the time. But one of the little sort of nuggets that came out from it was James put a plastic bag on his face and was like, backbid? What do you think?

And then we didn't have another good idea for another eight years. I guess we'll just do that. Oh, guys, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, look, it's June. Edinburgh is two months away. We're doing backbid. It's plenty of time. We've got a backbid. It's plenty of bag beard. It's got a bag beard.

It's the deadline for the brochure. We've got to reset something in. Bag beard. And let's just send in bag beard and see what we can do. That would be fun. That one's going to come anyway. Parry might show up. But that's bag beard, so the Soho Theatre from the...

What, the 19th to the 16th to the 21st January? Yeah, it's a brilliant, yeah, do go see Cry Babies and check Ed out on social media, really funny videos. I think your videos are actually really brilliant. They're really, really great. I just always love the little response from occasionally, you'll just get the real hardcore indie boys, we'll leave a comment being like,

Indie music was nothing like this. It was nothing like this. I'm sorry boys. It's just a joke guys, come on chill out. Sorry about that. You know like people are still fighting the Vietnamese war. They are still fighting the Britpop wars. They're still, you know, like, they still, you know,. They are still fighting the Britpop wars. They're still you know like

They still you know, they're quite got over blur versus Oasis the wrong country house and they're just Absolutely deathly serious to these these guys And they are all guys 100% yeah, yes And thank you so much. It's been such a pleasure having you on. Thank you so much my dudes Thank you so much, it's been such a pleasure having you on. Thank you so much my dudes. Be from the starting of your beef! There we go, what a treat that was, beefs were solved.

So many beefs were solved. Desperate to know what goes on with Ed and the kebab shotman, the chip shotman. Really, really want to know. We've got to find out. Fascinating stuff. Is he going to man up in 2023? Is he going to be a man?

We'll find out. We'll have to find out. We'll have to get Ed back with a report back on Is he gonna man up in 2023? Is he going to be a man? We'll find out. We'll have to find out. We'll have to get back with the report back on how that goes. I mean, you know, there's every chance you walk past a cabab shop and you see a sketch performer going round on a skewer with someone slicing bits off him.

Yeah. Oh, poor love. Anyway, have a wonderful time, everybody. We are back next week with a festive, you know what, we're going into December now. So every the next three episodes are all gonna be festive specials. Amazing.

Here we go. We've got a festive house meeting, which is gonna be a lot of fun. We've got a festive beef brothers' cold cuts, which we're recording live with James A. Castor. Don't forget, if you have a Christmas beef of beef with someone you live with or someone you spend Christmas with, that is festive related, Christmas related,

send it in, beefbrotherspodcastatgmail.com. Please do send it in, and the three of us and James will be solving that, and then we've got the festive flat-sheast land down to take us to the end of the year. So, I've been on months, you've got ahead of you guys. Exactly, and I can't stress enough if you want to feel even more Christmasy.

My Christmas film is going to be on Prime Video on 2nd of December. Yes. It's called Your Christmas or Mine with Ace of Butterfield in it. So please do watch. It'll be on Prime Video on 2nd of December. You know what?

What a fantastic double bill that would be. Get yourself some advocate. Watch Tom's film in the afternoon Time it so it stops it about half past five then join us for a beef brother's cold cuts and a flat-sheast land out a perfect Sunday File that under perfect Sunday finish it off by watching the film again finish it off by watching the film a second time Because it's got a blood. it's got layers, man. You know, with a parry script, it's not just, you know, it's not all surface, no feeling. You have to watch it twice to understand it.

Yeah, I can agree. Yeah, not in it. Not in it, it's confusing and badly made way. In it, in it, it's just, it's a gift that keeps on giving. It's constantly rewarding you. And interestingly enough, and Tom doesn't like to say this, but every line was improvised by the actors. Oh, I mean, yeah, it's why it won't get nominated for an Oscar for Best Screenplay. Yeah, because you forgot to, on the first day they said,

well, we can't wait to shoot this film, Tom, where's this screenplay you've been talking about? And you're like, oh, that's not how I work, guys, that's not my process. But yeah, I'm so excited to see it, really, really exciting. The cast. All the cast are wearing earpieces and I'm improvising there is. A lot of people take a their tops off, I can take a their now. Why is it wearing shorts? It's Christmas. It's more like an episode of Nightmare. Uh, left step, left step, right. Walk through the door, walk through the door, walk through the door.

So Merry Christmas, okay! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. If that's not a tantalizing taste of the dialogue, somebody walks through and says Merry Christmas. I don't know what it is. Merry Christmas, okay? Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Great closing line. Spoiler alert, that's how it is. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, Merry Christmas, okay? Great closing line, spoiler alert, that's how it is.

Merry Christmas, okay? Don't want to give it a thumbs up. Walk through the door, walk through the door. Tom walks on a guy's hand. And cut. Not supposed to do that. It's not really his role, but he does it. But yeah, we'll stick notes, we'll stick all of that in the show notes.

We'll stick the Patreon link to how to get tickets for this, and I'll get tickets to see Cry Babies and the Soio Theatre, and of course, the all the details of Tom's film. Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant. Okay, have a wonderful week, everybody. See you next week. Today's episode was produced by Emma Corsham. Corsham team. Cheers everyone. Bye. team. Cheers everyone! Bye!

Coming soon to a Patreon neighborhood watch roll call near you. Please be upstanding for the event of the year. She walks down the stairs, pops up on the table, and then suddenly her hair starts to glow. There's no one else in the room though to see it. It's the tragedy of Caroline Perslow. I've carolined, perslow. Coming soon to a Patreon near you. She goes through a door. She says Merry Christmas, okay. It's a heartwarming tale for the whole family. It is of course, Emily. Coming soon, she walks through a door, but it's the wrong door.

She walks back through the other door and she's completely lost. Oh, bummer. Oh, bummer. She tries to think of another plan, but she's too tired. It's not a good deal. I feel like quite a lot of your own situation now is coming through in the picture. I'm trying to improvise, but I'm too tired. Louis Summers. Sorry, Louis, sorry, I'll let you get, let you go, shot to that again. Oh, Louis Summers. Oh dear.

Coming soon to a patron near you, she goes through a grotto. She meets Father Christmas. She says, compliments of the season to year. And he says, get out of here. It's boxing day now. That's the tragedy of Stephanie. How? That's the tragedy of Stephanie how

Coming soon to a patron near you she goes through a door she walks into a grotto Santa Claus says get out of here. I've checked the I've checked the list You've not been nice. You've been naughty. She feels upset. So she calls her friend. And her friend's name is Lee. Bleed-o-doity, Merry Christmas. Okay. Merry Christmas. Okay.

That concludes today's Patreon neighborhood roll call. Okay. Okay. Okay. Yeah, Papua. Yeah, top your lap.