Pappy's Flatshare - Beef Brothers Cold Cuts w/ Eleanor Conway S13E15

Episode Date: May 15, 2023

The Beef Brothers are here to sort out your beef with special guest Eleanor ConwayEleanor's Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/eleanorconwayEleanor's Tiktok - https://www.tiktok.com/@eleanorconwayPappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetPappy's Insta - https://www.instagram.com/pappyscomedy/Support us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareFind tickets to all our live shows here - pappyscomedy.com/liveEdited by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman plotting her course to freedom. Pat in love for it. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Four things.

It's like theaters for December 15th. Greetings. Hello, this is the deer. Hello, matey. How you doing? Welcome to another exciting episode of Pappy's Flat Share, Beefbrother's Cold Cuts, and our guest today is the brilliant Eleanor Conway. Now you're currently working with Eleanor, aren't you? You're currently

working on her new show. I am, yes, and director new show, she's absolutely fantastic, so I'm excited to have her on. If you're up in Edinburgh or the Brighton Festival this year, or if you're just in and around places where comedy previews happen, and you see her on, please do go and see her. She's absolutely brilliant, she's fantastic. We've known Ellen there for ages. I think I used to do her late night gigs back in Edinburgh.

You know, when I was back doing Edinburgh and I loved doing those gigs, they were always brilliant and fun, she's fantastic. I'm sure you're going to enjoy this episode. If you do enjoy this episode and you want to hear more of Eleanor, get yourself over to the Patreon, get yourself to the Patreon Patreon.com, 4-slash-pappies-flat-share, where you can hear a full bonus beef that we didn't put into this main episode. We recorded it just for you guys. And it's not, you know what? We set aside a specific beef to be the bonus beef. We don't go, which one didn't really work.

We pick one, we make our bonus beef, and they're always really, really fun. So get over to the Patreon.com, forward flashpapies, share, get on with it, and get on with it. It's a bit aggressive. Was that a note to yourself? It was really a second. I think I meant to say get on it, but then I was going to say let's get on with the show and I was just like, listen, you're funny around with the moment, but get on with it and get

on with it. Get on with it for the love of God. All right, let's enjoy our lovely chat and solving some beef with the brilliant Elanakon way. Get on with it. Alright, let's enjoy our lovely chat and solving some beefs with the brilliant Elanacon Way. Get on with it. Well, if you've got a problem, don't call it a problem, if you've got a problem call it a B. If you've got a beef, maybe we can help you be from the zoning at your beef. Elanacon Way, thank you so much for coming on the pods.

Thanks. So nice to see you. So let's just get down to brass tax as a person to live with. What are you like? I think I'm great, but I think other people might say I'm a bit intense. Oh, this is what we like going. Describe what you would think as what you described as great behavior. Yeah. But other people might describe as intense behavior. Well, actually, can I just describe it through the lens of sobriety?

So when I used to drink a lot, I was a great housemate. Always, I was like, I never used to harass any of my housemates. It was just free and easy. And then when I got sober, I used to care about stuff being done in the house, bins being taken out, stuff like that. And I would mentally keep school with my housemates.

And I would take the bin out twice, downstairs in the kitchen. And then I would sort of every time I go down, I'd be like, somebody better have taken it out, and they hadn't taken it out. It was a resentment building exercise. It was a standoff. When I was drinking on it, I was like fun fun. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Fun housemate. My housemates would come out at it would be Monday morning and I'd

still be on the stairs holding a bottle of whiskey. It was that kind of fun and they just would go over me and go all right Conway. I'm about to so fun times like never any like they I never complained about anything whatever whatever they wanted to do, I was pretty easy going, mainly because I had an alcohol problem. Sure. But then I got sober and the fact that the bins were overflowing, like, used to cause quite a lot of resentment within me because I was the only one taking that. So I became very sort of resentful and not

and sense passive aggressive texts. This is interesting because the thing I would imagine is, sort of resentful and not-and-sense sort of passive-aggressive text. This is interesting because the thing I would imagine is, I mean maybe, were you the sort of person that got hangovers? Did you get hangovers or did you never stop? Because like, I think my most crotchety is when I'm hungover. Yeah, I can, I can confirm. But I feel like I'm sure you were a fun, you know, not wishing to make light of your, of your situation, I'm sure you were a fun, like in the drinking stage, but did you not have days of going this places a tip and I hate myself? No.

You know, I love, my gods. That's really awesome. Well, I feel like there's a message in there, but I think I'm it. Oh my God. That's really awesome. Well, I feel like there's a message in there, but I think I'm taking the wrong one out. I'm not sure it's the right one here. I'm not sure it's the right one. But now, have you pushed through that

or are you still in that stage of being very judgmental? No, I'm very judgmental, but I don't live with anyone. So I'm two modes. I'm two modes. I'm either super hyperactive in your face or I'm like, leave me alone. That, those are the two settings. And so, yeah.

Easy to be on your own. Yeah, what about you guys? Ha ha ha. You don't know what a lot of Brazos are. It's the first time anyone's ever bothered to take an interest in how we are as housemates. I want to be special. Yeah, well, I mean, you know, I mean, we've lived together in Edinburgh.

We have, yeah, it's been a long time ago now. We tried to say a long time ago, exactly, very different, a lifetime ago, it feels like. But I would say, Clarky was a very, again, very fun, I think, in your, in your terminology, and Clarky was very fun. And I think, in your... To use your terminology over there. Clark, he was very fun.

And I think I was... Very late back. Yeah, I think I was pro. Yeah, I'd say, Clark, he was probably the fun side, and I was like the opposite of that. I think, you know. What, you must be... We were like, yeah, we were like,

Jacqueline Hyde, but two people. So not really, not really remarkable story and neither of us qualified it and I think yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Sure we are. Right, shall we start with this one here. This is from Nick. This is a breakfast in bed beef from Nick via beefbrotherspodcast.gmail.com. Please get in touch. Nick writes, hi. My friend and I went to Mac a few years ago

and rented an Airbnb for the weekend. We decided to take it in turns to cook breakfast and on the second day of the festival and with quite severe hangovers it was my turn to cook. Whilst I was lovingly cooking our breakfast, I received a WhatsApp from him asking if I could bring it to him in bed. I refused, as I said I'm cooking his breakfast, the least he could do is get up and come and eat it. He said it didn't matter, and that bringing it to him was part of the breakfast making

duties. I'm maintaining it wasn't, and it isn't. Please sort this beef. Nick. Right. Eleanor, what are your immediate thoughts? Is this from another performer, Mac Festival? Well, he doesn't say if he's a performer or if he is just a punter.

People do go, obviously, a large proportion of people who go up there are audience members. So he doesn't say if he's another performer. He's not given us, he's only given us Nick. We don't know, I mean, there are plenty of performers called Nick, but let's not start calling them out now and say, I know who it is. This is definitely, let's just say he plays Mr Swallow.

You don't need to know anymore. He didn't tell us so, just don't you know, any more about it? Would it change your answer, by the way? No, I was just wondering. Are you just like, what a very sort of inside thing to say, like, Mac? Like, I don't, I had to figure out what was Mac

and then I realised, oh, I'm not getting booked to that festival, that's why I don't know it. It is a very sweet festival in Wales that Pat Wieser performed at. We performed her a few times, that's why he's very, he's very casual about it, but you're absolutely right, Eleanor, bring in the people who don't know what Mac is.

Thank you. Lovely festival in Wales, and I could imagine if he was there for the whole weekend and rented an Airbnb, Nick is living wavel over the poverty line currently because they are expensive. It's expensive to get your accommodation there. That right. So this is my theory, right? I think his resentment stems from the fact that he didn't ask for breakfast in bed first. And he's annoyed. He's annoyed that he's now like someone's seen not loophole, but someone's gone, yeah, like, I want breakfast in bed.

And obviously, that was an assumed part of the service which he didn't assume, and if he did assume it, he would have probably asked for it. So it's just himself he's angry, he's not angry. I see that argument, Eleanor, and I raise you this. The person who's making these rules made the breakfast the previous day. So he's changed the rules of the game, midway through the game.

Because the person asking for it in bed is the guy who made breakfast on day one. So he should have brought it to Nick in bed or if it wasn't in bed, said, get into bed and eat your breakfast because that's the breakfast on the pillow. It depends on what the command was. Let's call this other guy Tom, right? So, Tom made breakfast on the first day. Then Nick should have requested the delivery point of the breakfast. It's not Tom's fault, but Nick just assumed that it was going to be delivered to the dining room or wherever. Right. But then if, right, here we go. I'm, I'm going to go back to a phrase that I think,

um, he says, bringing it to him was part of the breakfast making duties. That's what our Tom character has said here, right? Bringing it to him was part of the breakfast making duties. He's set up this like established rule or he's behaving like it's a established rule, but he's behaving like it's a rule, but he's behaving like it's an established rule after the rules have already kind of been sorted out, right? By Tom himself the day before. I think if Nick is truly resentful against Tom, then he should really think about his part in this and whether he should be sharing with somebody with such,

I don't know if McAvadyn is the right words, because I can't remember what it is. It's actually my conclustian. That's what the festival's the is, the McAvadyn festival. I tell you what, I have a different issue with it. Okay. And my issue is that part of making breakfast, well part of that is like the communal eating of it

and the fact that you're then like, You've got a bit with it. You've got a bit of it. Well, there we go. If we, maybe if you either go on, come and join me in bed. Let's have our breakfast. I don't know. That might have been a nice, sir.

I'd be absolutely delighted if, you know what, I would be absolutely delighted if someone said we're going to eat it in bed together. If you're having a little mate's away weekend and you get to snuggle up in bed together, it's lovely. That's a true B&B. A complete example. It's, you know, nothing, purely, purely platonic. You know, they'll be, they'll

be, they'll be no touching. We'll assume that our friend Tom here is, is wearing, you know, pajama bottoms at the very least, you know, preferably the full, the full onesie. I feel like this is an absolute shared abode. I was an awesome new shared a bad, plutonically. Plotonically with somebody. That's a really good question. That is a good question. I used to do it.

You mean, can it sound like it's normal, but I have not shared a plutonic feeling with somebody in a very, very long time. I just do it a lot. I'll tell you, I'm like gigging. I did it a lot because it was cheaper. Did you not do that overnight? And you would share a bed with somebody. I've got a lot because it was cheaper. Did you not do that overnight and you would share a bed with somebody?

I've got a long list of comedians that I've slept in the same bed as just because I've seen all the notches. Yeah. It was easy and it was cheaper and I thought, you know, also as well, if you stay around somebody's house and there's a sofa, uncomfortable, lumpy sofa, or they've got a double bed. What's wrong with a bit, you know, you can top and tell if you're worried about it.

Oh, this keeps us still facing each other. I'm still trying to translate that way. Am I, is that weird? It was such a hippie, you're a hippie. I'm a hippie. Yeah. Go back to the six stage you're not gonna be. I go to, I're such a hippie, you're a hippie. I'm a hippie, yeah. Go back to the sick stage, you're not gonna get a hippie. I go to, I go on a holiday to a lot of cabuts,

this is what I do, yeah. I think that's nice though. They're friendly, right? I don't think there's anything wrong with a bit of friendly. Also, I'm not even, I'm not saying they should sleep together, you know, fall asleep together. I'm saying, sitting in the same bed. If anything, Tom's under the covers, Nick's over the covers, but they're just both sharing the bed. They're both

propped up on the pillows. I think it's a nice way to share some breakfast. But I'm going back to the core issue here as well. I do think that the breakfast in bed, even though I kind of get that it's like, come on, it's just, you know, you serve it to me in the kitchen, you serve it into me in bedroom, it does feel like it's much for much of us. But breakfast in bed is a special thing, isn't it? It's like on someone's birthday, it's like,

you're right. I'll give you breakfast in bed. It's an elevated thing. You're right, you're right, you're absolutely. I think it sets too strong a precedent for the friendship. You know, next you're right, you're absolutely. I think it sets two stronger precedent for the friendship. You know, next thing you know, you're having little special away days together just for fuck, you know, like, you know, you have to, suddenly you're having to remember each other's birthdays and then you've got, you celebrate the anniversary of when you first met and

all that kind of stuff. I feel like I've shared a platonic breakfast in bed. Oh, the key moments of your relationship together. So you, you, Ben. Yes, hello. You believe that the person who's demanding the breakfast in bed is in the wrong. I think, you know, I don't think, I don't think it's a,

I don't think it's the worst thing I've ever heard. But I wouldn't think it's the top five. Where would it come in that top five? It's number two, it's number two. It's through the rest of the top five. Tell us what it's just beating. The Hindenburg disaster. What are you, what is it? What? It's 9-11 and then this. Eleanor, what is the right, Nick has asked for us to sort this beef. What is your advice to Nick?

You basically sort of said, you've got to think about the kind of toxic friendships you're developing here. That's sort of what you started to say. Is that your advice? Well, yeah, I think Nick is maybe a bit stressed. Maybe there's a third morning, he can redress the balance somehow. Yeah, I wonder if they went this year because the Macvester was just happened.

We're recording this in May. It happens in the back quality weekend. Who knows? I'd love to, I'd love to know. So I think the third weekend, what's your, what's your status? I'll tell you what we'll discuss it over and I spit on it breakfast. Have you got a house? Have you got a housemate for next year's Mac? I'm going up on my own, I know, very nice Airbnb.

We're all going to be in the same accommodation, like at the start of Charlie and the chocolate factory. Yeah, it's a very nice one bed. Go on, sorry, sorry. I'm going to say, what do you think we should do on the third day? Look, I think Nick needs to lighten the fuck up, to be honest. It's like, if that's what's bothering him, like, honestly...

I think you may be tugging at a thread of the format of the entire show here. You won't be. These dead to be slightly trivial matters. Oh, I'm going to say, sorry, PS, also he has been stealing money from me, which I get to my knowledge for the last 15 years. Do you want us to deal with that as well? Just test. Sorry, I don't mean to kick out the same castle. I am, I'm going to check out the apologies castle. Yeah. I am. Apologies.

Apologies. Yes, and. So, what do I think? If there's a third day, then, um, why do they, why do they mean? Why don't they mean, um, why don't they, um, why don't they, make each other breakfast? If there's only one day, make each other breakfast, and then take you to each other.

Okay. How does that work? I don't know. It's just that we need to eat the out the beef on my parade. Call the breakfast soup straight onto their bed. I mean, I saw like, oh, no, sorry. Oh, yeah, no, no, yeah. I think say it's bed on fire. Well, yeah, there's obviously, yeah. I think, say, it's bed on fire.

Well, yeah, there's obviously the mafia technique of leaving a, what's more breakfast related than a pig's head, leave a pig's head in his bed. Make him an offer he can't refuse. Bacon. Yeah, bacon an offer he can't refuse. I am. Yeah. Bacon and offer you, can't be used. I think Nick is in the right here. I know you're saying Nick needs to chill out. I think Nick is in the right here.

I think his friend changed the rules and you can't change the rules. If Nick, you know, if this Tom character had delivered the breakfast in bed to him, then he'd have every right to say do the same for me. I think it would have been weird to deliver it to him in bed. You know, I just, I also think, you know, like unless you're asking to, you're right, Clark, unless you're asking him to join you in bed, it's a really mean-spirited way to receive breakfast.

No matter how hungover you are, to be like, shove it under the door and fuck off. Did he actually deliver it to him in bed in the end? Do we know? No, he didn't. He said I refused. As I said, if I'm cooking his breakfast, the least he could do is get up and come and eat it. I mean, he doesn't say with me, but that's what he's suggested there. He said it didn't matter and bring it to I mean, he doesn't say with me, but that's what he's suggesting there. He said it didn't matter and that bring it to him was part of the breakfast making duties.

I maintain it wasn't and it isn't. No, I don't think you're a couple on their anniversary. I think Nick is in the right. Yeah, yeah, cause I think, you know, special things got to remain special things. And if you start, if you start just banding around, breakfast in bed, like it's just an everyday thing,

then it ruins, you know, mother's days, when the children bring up breakfast for mom, you know, and all of that. Yeah, absolutely. It's like, oh, do you want to go to a breakfast? It's van-brink and him getting like a champagne bucket with ice in it and putting a bottle of champagne. You can't have that.

We've lost our minds if we're living in that kind of a society, you know. You need to, special things need to remain special things. It speaks to a bigger point. Is this the anal of breakfast making? I don't know. This is it, absolutely. It can't be every single day. Careful what you're doing with that sausage. I believe, I believe Nick is in the right. All that would have been lovely if you'd enjoyed a breakfast together in bed.

Be solved. Be solved. Be from the starting of your beef! Be solved! Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. I've got one, it's from Jordan. He says, hello, Pappy's plus wonderful guess, that's me. I have a long term beef with my parents. I moved out in 2017, but still go back a couple of times a year. Every time I go back, I remember an irritating issue that can be easily rectified. There are no bins. Not that they're in none in the kitchen or none in the living room, etc.

They're in none in the whole house. They have an open plan living room slash kitchen with a side door that leads outside where the wheelie bins, rubbish, recycling and garden, the big three, are kept. Their reasoning is you can just go outside and put it directly in the wheelie bins and that having bins in the house looks messy. However often they can't be bothered to go outside so rubbish just collates by the door. I've complained about this but to no avail, what can I do? Many thanks Jordan. That's mad.

Yeah, that is mad. I said I want to ever know that before, not know bin in the house. They started doing it in offices, didn't they? Do you remember they started doing, yeah, in offices about 10 years ago, I remember going and working in offices where they were like, no, we don't have any bins in the office, we've only got one communal bin

that's just outside of the office. I think it's a sort of a recycling drive it's so that we can sort through what you're doing when you get it out there, you've got to, you know, sort of divide it up and start start like that. But, you know what, when I heard, when I heard this, as Ellen was reading it out, it does seem like a bit of a utopia

because the bin is grim, isn't it? It's a grim part of that. And if you can, if you're on the ground floor and you're able to get out to the bin and do it, that's great. However, the problem is they're not doing that. Yeah. They're not humans, are lazy.

Well, lazy. This is it, this is the lazy. So, I've got a great solution. Go on. And it's inspired by my, I used to go around to my nands, and one of the big treats, if you went round to my nands, back when she was with us, was you could go and throw rubbish down the rubbish shoot. It was really, really exciting, right?

You could throw rubbish down the rubbish shoot. Now, this meant leaving her flat, walking around to the big communal bins, throwing rubbish down the rubbish sheet. It was sort of prized the prized task of me and all my siblings. We'd love to do it when we went around to see Iron Man. And I think that's what you need to do. You need to get, like, make a hole in their wall nearer to the bin and install a shoot. Right? If they're on the ground floor though, it's hard to get, it's hard to get that, you're gonna have to do it

in the second floor, aren't you? Yeah, that's right, you're gonna have to go to the stairs. Yeah, you know what we said? Rubbish goes out the bedroom window. Oh no, and we've gone from breakfast to bed to rubbish to bed. All right, no, I've got, all right, in which case then, yes. No, I've solved this bit as well. Even better.

One of the other great joys in life, it's ever getting to use a dumb waiter, right? Have you ever used one? Yeah. You know, so dumb waiter, it's one of those things they use in like, they used to use it in restaurants or silver service where you put something into a sort of, into like a hole in the wall, you pull some ropes and it goes up to the next

level, right? So what you're doing is you install a dumb waiter for rubbish that when it gets to the top, it tilts down the chute and into the bin. Who's not going to enjoy using a dumb waiter every single day of their life? What if the cat gets stuck? What if the cat goes in it by accident? Well, then it's cat bin lady, 2023, isn't it? I mean, with a sort of less upsetting video,

I mean, yeah, I mean, sure, I think you'd realize what was going on. The bins are open, right? You'd hear the cat going up, right? Oh, no, actually, I tell a lie, though, of the dumb waiter, I put in the ropes, it does sound a bit like a cat. It's particularly squeaky today.

I thought there were no flaws in my dumb waiter into, there's at least one story. I thought there was a, yeah. I thought there were no flaws in my, in my dumb waiter into rubbish-shoot plan, but you've, you've clocked it. If they've got a cat, we can't do it. No, it's fine, I think they had cats in the Victorian times,

and that's when dumb waiters were at their height, I think. It's true, yeah, yeah, they definitely were cats, they were definitely domesticated cats around. So you don't hear many, you know, Charles Dickens isn't littered with stories of a cat beforeling sort of dumb way to base fate. So I think you were right, I think you're okay. Yeah, what's your, because I do respect them. I do respect the parents for not having a bin in the house. I don't. Oh, go on, Clarky. I think it's madness. I can see it. I can see

how you would get as far as almost not having one and then go, oh, actually, this is a really silly idea. Or even like the first week of not having one going, you know what, actually, let's just get a little bit, just a little, just a little bit, a little journey on the way and then maybe getting another bigger one beside that because a little bit wasn't quite working out. let's just let's just bring the wheelie bin inside. Maybe that's the solution. Let's just live in a bin Should we just should we just do that? She would just you know those massive bins that they used to have like, you know The enormous big metal bins that would have outside school. Did you do your school?

Yeah, yeah, you could come to be living that especially,, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, Get his parents to live in a big bin. Souls both problems. Souls do not have a problem. Of wanting them to have a bin. And it's always their problem of not having a bin in the house. When the bin is the house, there is no bin in the house. I said, Aaron started having that conversation with them. I think it's time that we moved you both into a bin. LAUGHTER What?

I like it. I like it as a plan, then. I said, if it's a very good plan, I think I'll just get a bit of it. I think I'll get a bit of it. I've tried to solve this. I've tried to solve this on... I've tried to help Jordan's parents out twice here. First with my dumb way to into sliding rubbish shoot. Secondly, we're living a bin plan. I'm sorry, guys, but I'm fresh out of ideas. I can't work with these two naysayers. I think Jordan should just accept that his parents are starting to go a bit mad and they've got their own rules and they live their own lives in their house and him or her, I don't know if it's a woman, then getting angry is just spend less time with your parents. That's Yeah, I mean, he's only doing it twice a year as it is, but I mean yeah

It's what a lot of people say when their parents pass away. I just wish I spent less time with them You know Tell them that they're an absolute nightmare. Why don't. Why doesn't Jordan invite his parents around their place where they're probably our bins? Yeah, show them the better life. Do you think they've not seen bins? Do you think that's what the problem is? They just need to see how efficient and cool they are, right? I'll say one thing that's annoying about this for Jordan

is that he moved out in 2017, okay. So that's a while ago now. We're talking six years ago, he moved out. Do you think it's in the last six years they've decided to go with his no-bin system? While he was still living there, I bet they had a bin, right? And what's the worst job as a kid is taking, if you don't have a rubber shoot,

taking the bins out is the worst job. So the number of times Jordan has probably had to take the bins out as a kid only to go around his parents' house and he's twice a yearly visit and realize they've got rid of the bin entirely. What next? Wanking in every room with the houses allowed?

LAUGHTER I don't get, the thing is, right? If you have a packet of crisps in their house and then you have the crisps and then you got an empty Chris Brecker wrapper and then maybe like your peeler or engine, then you'll have some orange skin and then you put the orange skin into the crisp packet. So therefore the crisp packet is a mini bin. Oh, now hold on, this is interesting. So it's basically it's like the old woman who swallowed a fly.

Yeah. You have to consume increasingly bigger things, which I can do. I will tell you that. Absolutely. But what are they opposed? Do they opposed an actual bin or anything that acts in the manner of a bin? It's a very good point, you know, like, do they say the bin looks messy? We've all been to a thought part, Alton Towers. Would a big

frog with its garb open? Would that be, you know, that's a conversation piece. If it's something that, you know, that looks good, surely that would work, right? Get yourself out. Yeah, yeah. A fun bin. And how do you, sorry to cut you up? And I'm very impassioned by this particular beat. And how do you differentiate between like a bin, which holds stuff, to like, I don't know, like a jewelry box, or like one of those cups that you put rings in,

or like a cup that you put like paper clips in. Do you know the answer to that? I think it's quite an obvious one. It's got rings in it. Ah! Maybe the rings are shit. The box for the rings is the one you're not chucking away. At the end of the week.

I think you know what I mean. No, I do know. I do know. I mean, are they against all receptacles of things to hold other things? Yeah. And then what do they think about arms? Arms hold people? Absolutely. The body bins?

Actually, a body bins different for me. Yeah. You just hate food waste. I'm basically just one big body bin. You are one big body. Could Jordan's parents live inside Glocky? LAUGHTER The option's there.

Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I've got a situation at the moment where I have two very small children and as a result, they are, yes, I've made them myself with the help of my wife and in fact she did, I'm going to say, I'm gonna say much of it. That's very great, just a few. I'm gonna say it, I'm not afraid to say it. My wife did, I would say, 99% of the work. 99.5, maybe 99.9.

But it does mean that as a result of at least one of them full time being in nappies, the bins are a little bit. Now we had a nappy bin for a bit in our bedroom, which is where the papers getting changed and oh my God. It was so, it was so grim. Because it's supposed to be like, oh it's got a sort of a special flip top lid

where it seals it off and you don't, of course, you do get shit. Yeah, you're getting shit. Of course you're smelling it. It's full of human shit and it is it off and you don't, of course, you get shit. Of course you're smelling it. It's full of human shit and it is a meter and a half away from my sleeping face when I go to bed at night. It's like, of course, this is, this is the smell. It's not a sweet shit, boom. I've got it on the sweet shit ring, yeah. And I'm not waiting to live in the tree.

Yeah, no, no, I wasn't using it like, I wasn't using it like, I can't think of you're in the middle of the night. This thing stinks, no. No, you'll put, you know, and also you're tying up the, you know, you're tying up the nappies into scented bags, but still the scented, you know, scented bags, it's scented bags are basically weeping as you open them up and put a nappie in, they go,

why, and then you tie them up and shut up. But we now use sometimes, sometimes the downstairs bin will have, not for a very long amount of time, but long enough, will have a pooing app in there. I think if I could just be rid of bins, I'd be so happy. No, you'd be in a room with loads of... Yeah, I'd just be pooing appies on the stairs. It would just be awful, yeah. Pillow's full of shitty, don't the shitty. My other door to building an eagle who out of them,

just like basically it would be bad, yeah. And eagle poo? Eagle, I'm sorry. No, no, no, no, you know. No, I tried. We missed that, we missed that. Yeah, I think it has to be a bin. Could you buy them bins for, I mean, it's a bad kid.

Yeah, no, because you buy them bin, that Christmas. I put my mother bin for Christmas. Here we go. Talk us through it. How does she react? She was not, that she wouldn't even have been. And I bought her a new bin. Was it bigger?

I mean, it had more of a lid her one was her one was broken. So I Look at that. No, no. Well, I'll be honest with you guys I used to be the person that used to buy Christmas presents Two hours before we use it Christmas Eve would close right no I'd go what you need and then I'd look around, you need a bin, I'll buy you a bin. Yeah, she wasn't happy. No, fair enough.

But that's just reminded me of something. What about, because Clarkie, for a while, you had one of those exciting bins that was like motion sensitive, wasn't it? Did, yeah. What about getting them a bin that is sort of so exciting and gadgety that come on, at least one of your parents

will be into gadgets, right? You know? Like a transformer bin. Exactly. Get them a transformer bin. And just say that turns into a car drives itself out to the big bin. I'm sorted.

So I've been doing a rubbish truck. It's exactly what you want. Drives all the way to the tip for you. I love it. Yeah, no, I think that's, I think, get them a gadgety type in and see how they react to that. I don't think they would like it because they're against the concept of bins.

I think that that's the one. I don't know, you've done me there. My cocky response to your white, is it a ring bin or is a ring jar a buffer? My cocky response to, is a a ring binner is a ring jar of buffer My cocky response to is a ring box of bin. I think because I've you've hoisted me there by my own retard I You know the solution oh This is what we need you'd need like oh well there's multiple salute You'd need every piece of rubbish would need to be taken out

You'd need every piece of rubbish would need to be taken out individually. Now obviously they're too lazy to do that, because they're human. But what about one of those like Hoover things that kind of electronically, you know those little disc things, or like a robot? Yeah, or like a robot.

Oh my god. We've had a robot. Wait a second. I don't know. I don't know. I think we're all assuming this is gonna be a much better plan when you started it. What about one of those?

What about Roma? Well, also, you shut down a transformer and then went back to a robot. Did you see Transformers? No, no, no, no, you see. No, no, no, no, you see. No, no the world, are you are? It can't be a bin. It has to be a robot that takes the rubbish out piece by piece. Because if it takes the rubbish out in real time, then there is no place for the rubbish to get collected.

I see, right. I see, I see, I see, right. So you're looking for a robot that can... Sex-stop. Rubbish. Well, of course, obviously,, obviously, service both your parents Jordan. It's got...

It's got... It's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's it's got it's got it's got it's got it's it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got it's got to pick up the rubbish, it's going to be able to open a door, it's got to be able to then dispense with the rubbish, shut the door and lock the door again. Why don't we have another child? A child could do that. Jordan, how old are you? Our parents, we know you moved out in 2017. Are they still of a child child bearing age? You know, you can move that 11, we never know. We don't know, we don't know, yeah. Give him a grand kid, that's right,

give him a grand kid, yeah. What you're doing is I want to explain how tough it is to have a bin with little kids. So you're making drawings of the problem even worse. Don't just not give them a bin, make your bin full of shit. Be solved. From the starting I get beat! Clarky. Yes mate. Have I got a beat for you? Is it a beat from me? I've got loads of

beaters with you. I can dash one off and draw WhatsApp pretty quickly if you want. No more today, so get it. Okay, joke beef from Ben, not me. Oh, it's a hello. Crosspark Larky and Payton's guest. We don't have the par part of that today, unfortunately. But yes, long time listener, long time writer here. I've literally been doing it since school. Oh wow. Yeah. Oh, amazing. Thank you.

My particular beef concerns a joke I wrote and have indiscriminately inflicted on multiple people since the problem lies in the fact that while I believe this to be a very good joke everyone I've told it to including friends, colleagues, my son and my partner with whom I also work disagrees often profoundly. Obviously the problem must be with them rather than the joke and as veteran Bravayas of divisive and disputed comedy, I felt like you would be the most appropriate arbiters of this long-running quarrel. Woo!

Here's the joke. I guess you should probably pause the recording at this point in order to avoid wasting tape on all the uncontrollable laughter that you're about to endure. Okay, here we go. Are we ready? Strap in. Why was Sean Connery locked out of his house? I don't know. Why was Sean Connery locked out of his house? He had Keish Ferdinand. I think you've got to do it in the voice, Clarkie. Come on, give us the, he had keys for dinner.

He had keys for dinner. He had keys for dinner. He had keys for dinner. Okay, well that's the thing. I read that earlier and didn't understand it, but now I think I do. I don't care. He's saying that if Sean Connery were to say the word keys, it would sound like

like Keish. Right. It's like Keish for dinner. Right. Two things I would say is get rid of the Fadina a bit, because the Fadina is confusing things, right? Put the funny bit at the end, right? This is what this is, you know? This is joke right in 101.

You put the funny bit at the end and the funny bit is, is Keish, right? It should be. I mean, it isn't, but it should be. And then you, sorry, she's a, because he'd eaten his Keish. Because he'd eaten his Keish. Right?

Keish. It's like, I mean, I don't know, actually, isn't better. That isn't better than the quiche for dinner. No, I think I did. Because he'd eaten quiche. He'd eaten his quiche. He'd eaten his quiche.

I think the problem is, it doesn't sound enough like quiche. Yeah, yeah, that's, yeah, that's certainly one of the problems with it. What we need to do though is get the other guy from the James Bond movies, the bloke jaws, right? He eats metal. He's dead.

I know he's dead. I mean, so Sean Connery. He's still allowed to do the joke. Right, why did the guy in place? I'm afraid to find out. Did you not know? Sorry, oh my God. He's choked on some keys, unfortunately. It's a terrible tragedy. So I'm not laughing, the show isn't, this joke is in very poor taste. I'm gonna tell you what else but tasted poor. It's bloody keys. True.

Oh boy. Anyway, who finishes C? Right, I look forward to you voting in my favour and proving me objectively correct. Love you by Ben, brackets Bristol. Why was the bloke who played jaws locked of locked out of this house because Gait is own keys? Because he has to test the metal things. It's not an improvement but it's not, it's not worse than it.

I mean, that I say after I've done punch up on a script. Listen, can I have my money please? I didn't improve it, but I've added more words. That's what you want, isn't it? It's not better, but it's different. I've made it a different thing, yeah. I mean, it's a tricky one, isn't it? Oh, it's tremendous.

If you get a tremendous amount of pleasure from telling the joke, what you've got to bear in mind is, are you getting pleasure from people not enjoying it now? Has it gone to that level, Ben, that you're getting the pleasure from saying to people, here's a terrible joke, what do you think about this? I mean, that's because then you're just then you're punishing other people. But if you if you seriously think it's a good piece of material, I reckon the like the rule is really, I think, give it sort of five or six tries. And if it's not working, it's not there. It's you. I think, give it sort of 5 or 6 tries, and if it's not working, it's not there, it's you.

Go back, give it a few more drafts. What other things could have happened to Sean Connery? Does he have to be locked out of his house? Are there other things that he could say that sound a bit like other things? I mean, we all really know the tenish, what time does he play? What time does he play? Yeah, good, tenish. Yeah. the tennis, what time does he play? What time does he play? Yeah, good, then tennis.

There must be other words that Sean Connery says with the, ooh, sound that you can go back to. You sound like a really positive English teacher when you're a student who is clearly not talented. Clearly failing. You're like, Oh, captain, my captain. What are the students getting up on the table? It's like, you're got fucking days, man.

This guy's fucked your GCSEs. Yeah. Actually, too much positivity from a teacher. He can be a problem. He just told you to rip up his books and then add nothing. Well maybe, you know how the anti-com... You know that sort of bad comedy. Oh yeah.

Yeah, I know it. But, you know where I'm going with this? I'm hoping that if I start saying it, one of you will jump in and be like, and then have the idea at the end. OK, well, let's hear what the scaffolding and the idea is, and see if it triggers anything with myself or Blackie. I don't know, I just felt a vibe. That's what I've been.

I just felt a vibe. We give off that vibe when people are about to talk. Yeah. We're not having a conversation, we're waiting for you to finish speaking, is that kind of a vibe? Yeah, is it a bit more of a thing? Yes, that are not especially related already, locked and loaded in our brains, ready to start talking about it. I just started to talk about my favourite dishes. You know, we're like, stuff isn't funny funny but then because it's not funny, everyone thinks it's like cool funny but it's not even funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know like that bad comedy, some people are on TV because of that and I will never say who, but they're terrible, but it's not comedy comedy. Is that what it's called? Anti-comedy comedy. Yeah, yeah, the sort of anti comedy. Do you think actually if If you I mean I think there's two the problem with this is it makes too much sense So let's change the celebrity, okay, let's get rid of the celebrity. Let's make it a different a different celebrity Why was Stephen Mulherne locked out of his house? Yeah, he's for dinner now suddenly we're working with something here locked out of his house. He keeps for dinner.

Now, suddenly we're working with something here. You're going to walk. Got to touch head scratching comedy. It's really like a ball provoking. It must be, I don't get it, so it must be clever. Yeah. It's Embrace New Clothes type comedy. That's it.

We have the alternative comedy of like the 90s and 80s or whenever that was. It's this is the time. This is the alternative to the alternative. I think that's it. And of course, with that kind of comedy, a bit of repetition, you know, like you can really bludge and people with it.

So you do a variety of different celebrities all locked out of their houses with different reasons, okay? So you've got, why was Michelle Obama locked out of her house? Because you'd recently bought a tandem bike You see that again people are going what what's going on here? It doesn't make any yeah. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah Yeah, and then you know we could go on basically just you know You can just randomly generate those jokes after a while. And I think actually, Ben, I think we're going to be seeing you with a channel for sitcom

within 18 months. If you get out on the circuit with that kind of gear, I think you've got what it takes to go all the way. All the way. We're going to be seeing you prefaced by a man swimming in the snow. That's what I see in your future. I am sorry, I went slightly quite during that because I think that's maybe a wasp in my room. So why has Ben left his house?

Why has Ben locked that place out as he's scared of a wasp? See, you're right, do you want it? Megan has, she's like, never leave the, never put the light on in the bedroom and leave the window open. I've done exactly that. Because she needs some time. And now I've attracted a little wasp. Well, if you've got a wasp, you know, like if you have a wasp, but like a picnic, don't

you have to sort of take out something sweet and, you know, like a quiche. Like a lovely sweet quiche, yeah. Yeah, have you got like a can of fizzy pop in your fridge, Karki? Yeah, but then do they like, have only got co-zero? Well, that did the same job. I don't know, I don't know, you have to ask it.

Let me say to the Wasp, your co-zero fan. Does it look like it's a wasp, but it looks like it's sort of looking after itself? I think it's one of those flies that look like a wasp, I don't think it's a wasp. Yeah, it's got a striped body, but I don't think it's threatening. What's wrong with it?

Oh God, it's like gigantic. I think you'd be fine. I'm sure I'll be fine, I'll just be in trouble, is that it's all. I'm just stingy, right? You're at die. Yes, it's true, yeah. I mean, I think in a lot of ways, anyway, I'm going to learn. I actually think you're making too much out of all of this.

Where is it? We don't see it, is there really one? Oh God, I had eyes on it, it was down there, and I turned back and now it's gone. What you don't realise is actually, that Ben is actually quite afraid of creepy crawlies. Ben is a, you're a bit of a, a bit phobic of creepy crawlies, aren't you? I am, I am with, I am definitely with spiders. There's also one of them, tell me.

Well, that's what you need in this game. If you've got a fly, that's a good point. A spider is a fly, a spider is your friend here. See if you, oh, the other thing is, if you can't get a can of coke or a spider's catch here, see if you can coax it into the dumb waiter. You can do that. Up to the next floor, the flyer shoot.

The catalytic. Right, give me one second, I'm going to shut the window. Yeah, you shut the window. Shut your cell phone. Shut your cell phone. Yeah, good call. Right. Did we solve that beef?

Yeah, I think I think this is great. We've solved the beef by saying, it's a bad joke, Ben, but it needs to be even worse. Yeah, you're going to make a career in comedy. You know, you can't bad joke to not enough. They need to be appalling jokes. They need to be abysmal.

So it's a great start for your first ever joke, but keep on writing and make sure every joke you write is worse than the last and Good luck, man. Come on, see you on the circuit. Beef solved. Beef from the starting, I can be solved. Ellen, a con way.

Now, you've seen our beef solving abilities. They're finally honed. Do you have a beef currently that you would like us to solve? Yeah, there's okay, fuck. I don't want to say it though, because what if they hear it? I don't know. Well, I don't know about that with this podcast. Yeah, I would say change the name.

Change, change the names. Change some of the names. Some of the, some of the, okay, in my tendency contract, there is a very strict, don't leave anything outside the front door rule Right, okay seems totally fair. So I've got a couple of beefs actually. There's no air B&B rule You can't MB and B flat out There's a don't leave anything on the balcony rule except for two chairs in a table and there's a don't leave anything

two chairs in a table and there's a don't leave anything outside the front door in the corridor Will and my neighbor has left They've left They've left a peloton box outside the flat door for like three or four months What a show What a bloody show off that they can do a peloton and that they're using a peloton. I mean, they're not using a peloton. That's a clothes horse by now. We've been out for two months.

But it's on the balcony. It's one of the chairs. But I really want to tell them something. I want to say something. But I don't want them to complain about me because I have, yeah, I don't want them to complain about me. Sure.

No, no. You don't have to explain why you're not what people call you. I don't want them to complain about me. Sure. No, no, I'm sorry. You don't have to explain why you don't want people to complain about you. That's... That's... We get that. Yeah, yeah. You've listened. I absolutely...

You know what? I think that's not a terrible rule to have in life, actually. What's that? I know it's sort of... But like, I do this a little bit and I'm trying... Well, I don't do it as much as I should, but I'm trying to do this now where if I see something around the house and they go, well look at that, you know, well what's going on there?

I then go, if I'm thinking that, my wife must be thinking that 300 times a day about everything else going on. So you think, what's the point in making this the issue when there's, you know, it's, you know, it's still with the, deal with the beam in your own eye before you start looking for specs in other people's. That's, that's the problem. But at the same time, I do understand why you don't want a big, yeah, it's a peloton, it's going to be huge, isn't it?

It's expensive. It's actually a bug of me. I just see it every time I go out. And it's, that's a bug of you, but it, but it's death by a thousand cuts, isn't it? Every time you leave the house, it's there. It's not, it doesn't make you, it's sort of, I'm a plectic with rage, but eventually one day you're going to snap. You're going to kill them in their beds? Exactly. We've got to knit this in the bed before you do it.

My neck, my death in bed, that's a luxury. What a special occasion it will be. Now that's the anal. That's the anal of the breakfast as well. I just say the caveat, that was I'm definitely not going to kill my neighbours. I just want everyone to know that, thanks. Sure, sure. So when you eventually do, just you won't pin the mercy. This will be proving my innocence. Chilling moment when murdering a confessed on little nine-card cast to giggling idiots. When an edged murder, sorry, sorry. Innocent of proof of guilty.

Absolutely right. Oh my god, no, I would never do that. No, and also as well, think of our thing. The body was found in a very poorly buried peloton box. I think there's a great pleasure. I get great pleasure in breaking down boxes. Oh, yeah. Treat yourself.

Take the box away and break down the box yourself. Well, I thought I take all your rage out on the box, just take it outside, stamp on it, shove it in the recycle. Well, I was thinking about knocking on the door and sort passively aggressively going, do you want me to help you take down that box? I can take down that box for you. I'd stamp on it, shove it in the recycle. Well, I was thinking about knocking on the door and sort passively, aggressively going, do you want me to help you take down that box? I can take down that box for you. No, no, no, no, no, no, it's been here for four months. Yeah, do it.

I think you might be surprised. They might not even see the passive aggression there and go, oh, what a kind of thing. Yeah, yeah, we keep meaning to do it, we keep forgetting. And then you can just do it and you know, you know I F you and set fire to it. I'll be with you outside the window. Yeah, I would say if you want to if you want them to truly know You know for them to truly be taught a lesson what you need to do is buy yourself a peloton And put the box outside your door. Yeah, and then they'll know, they'll know the feeling.

Or maybe just put the penitone outside the front door. No, hit the button. I mean, the reason to get a peloton is so that you can tell everyone you've got a peloton. And the box is a pretty good way of telling everyone, but nothing better than having a peloton. But then also as well, people can paint about it, go, oh, it's for everyone to use. If they don't want to use the peloton in the corridor, they can use the peloton in But then also as well people can paint about it go oh it's for everyone to use.

If they don't want to use the peloton in the corridor they can use the peloton in the corridor except what I've got it booked and then have like a little booking sheet and your name is just on every single episode. Oh so it's booked up for the next six months but as soon as I'm finished with it you can use it. Can I stop the peloton getting stolen? They're quite expensive humans. mean? They are, yeah, yeah, that's a good point, aren't they? I can't afford a peloton guy, is I can't afford it? No, I mean, not many people can. I think you've got to, I think you've got, right.

I tell you what you've got to do is you've got to get like a cheap old, like a cheap old exercise bike and then just stick a big calculate on the front and hope no one is. Oh is that what a peloton? Right peloton down the side and win Tipex and hope no one knows. Or sell it to you from the front of it with a video song shout out to you to cycle harder. Because this is not only Ely in a they they you know over a thousand pounds You have to have a subscription once you have it

Which is like more than like my my monthly gym membership How much so he's kind of signing to fiddle it's a fiddle. That's why it's got them fiddle I think it's like it's in excess of 35 pounds a month. Do you know? Do you have it? Oh, I've got one. LAUGHTER The box is still in the corridor. Yeah, the peloton's still in it.

LAUGHTER Well, that's a description's favorite self in there. It's smugness, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll let the neighbors know. Yeah, right. Go on. Well, do you start filling the box with stuff?

Oh, I could fill it with rubbish. Yeah, absolutely. Oh, what about inverse great escape style? No, because you're going to make your own corridor stink. You don't want to cut off your nose despite your face. Inverse great escape style. Now, because you're gonna make your own corridor stink. You don't want to cut off your nose despite your face. Inverse great escape style. Well, if you cut off your nose,

you're gonna find that spot. That spot spot. Yeah, you can make, fill the toilet with rubbish, slice the nose off your face. I think remove a bit every time, like a little bit, you know. Of the box.

Like the inverse great. Yeah, yeah. Just take a tiny bit of the box and see how long it takes you to get rid of the entire box. A little project. It's a little bad little project. A little project. I mean, I've got a lot of work to do. I'll tell you what, right.

I've got, I've got, I've got, if you don't like that as an idea, I've got a worse idea. I'm just a bit of, just a bit of, just a bit of, just a bit of, just a bit of, I've got a've got if you don't like that as an idea. I've got a worse idea. I'm not gonna lie This is right. Okay, what about this? You you you you you nick the box, right? Bring it into your bring it into your flat. Okay, and Every every day every every or every week you make him a lasagna, right? Every week, you make them a lasagne, right? And it's made of the box, right? So the sheets of the box, and so they end up eating back the box that has been stuck in your crawl.

I don't want to kill them, that was definitely one of my... I think you can eat a small amount of cardboard everywhere. If it's soaked in a delicious ballonete, it'll source, yeah, absolutely. Of course. Go down a tree. I think I should steal the box and then hold it hostage for ransom.

I don't think you're gonna get any money for that box. Just a fuck with them, it might be fun to steal the box, put it in your flat for a day, and then put it back the next day. That is a head part. Just be like, what? No, because then they would look at the cameras and they'd see that I'm a fucking nutter. They're cameras. Probably. Maybe, I don't know. Probably.

Defeo. How are you going to tell me? What you've got to do. You've just got to spray the camera with black paint. You know, wear a mask. Spray the camera with black paint. And I know it's what's going on. You know, like the classic high-style.

I live in a very sort of surveillance lots of cameras area of London. So I'd have to, how the fuck would I emerge all dressed in black? I'd have to go out the city, come into the city all dressed in black. In order to answer my flat, this is the flat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, he's the one who's my keeks, then they know I'm a resident. So I'd have to follow in in a ball of car for So you left it, yes, someone's going into the flat. You dressed all in black with a face mask on.

Sorry, you're one of my going with you. I do live here, honestly, I do live here. Yeah, I don't know. I just think I just maybe got like meditate on it or something and just, you know, just. On the box. So if you did, well to meditate or break down something. I have a break down.

Lots of great uses for cardboard. I think that is, I mean, we've given you plenty to work on, but yeah. I think about that. I hope that's helped you. We've solved. Beave solved. Thank you.

Eleanor, thank you so much for coming on the show. It's been a real pleasure. Thanks for having me. It's been fun. It has been fun. Where can people find you if they would like to hear more of you, see more of you? Where can they find you apart from obviously in your in your corridor, glowering in a box with a balaclava on plaques paper, spray paint all over your hands? Well, I am on TikTok and Instagram, I'm Ellen LeConway and yeah, I'm going TikTok and Instagram at Ellen the Conway and yeah I'm going to be Edinburgh Brighton festivals and on tour later on this year so I'd love to see everybody there.

Brilliant, well we'll stick your TikTok and your Instagram in the show notes of the shows that people can find you and thanks so much for coming on the show. See you soon. Be from the starting again, be from the show! What a show and what a fun person. Love chatting to Eleanor. Yes, lovely. Love solving the beefs.

If you would like a beef, solved on Papi's Flat Share Beef Brothers cold cuts, then send it in to beefbrotherspodcast at gmail.com. Beefbrotherspodcast at gmail.com. And we'd love to hear more beefs. We always appreciate your beefs. Again, I'm going to do another'd love to hear more beefs. We always appreciate your beefs. Again, I'm gonna do another shout out for free range beefs. Free range beefs that I love.

I love a free range beef. I love a free range beef. Take it outside of the realm of the flat. It's very exciting for us. And again, getting these free flowing, free roaming beefs. A bit of fresh air. It's nice. Feel a bit of fresh air. It's nice, get a bit feel a bit of fresh air, get a little bit of beef with kind of the else.

All the time. A little bit of vitamin D for the boys. A little bit of it D for us. Send us some VITD in email form. Beath Brothers Podcast at gmail.com. But of course, any beefs set in and around your house would be also very much appreciated. Right, I've got an email I wanted to read out.

Oh, yes. This is an email we received at papysflatshareitgmail.com. Please do get in touch. Another great way to get in touch with us. Yes, gorgeous way to do it. Dear Ben, Matthew, Tom and Emma, in order in which the names appear in the Bible,

probably haven't really looked into it. When I was at school, there was a lad that consistently called me Pete. I'd assumed he was messing around, but I once overheard him talking to someone else about me and he said, his real name is Simon, but I call him Pete. My name is James. Cheers everyone. Bye. Still a fan, any more of your incorrect name, shenanigans, we'd love to hear about them. Do get in touch. Papisflatshare at gmail.com. What else needs to be said?

We love you. I love you as well, Clarkie, and we love all of the listeners. We love all the listeners, and we love each other, and you should too. So have a wonderful week everyone. We will see you next time on the podcast. And until then, this episode was produced by Emma Corsum. Corsum to you. Cheers everyone.

Bye. Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman planting her course to freedom at a lot for... It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Four things.

It's like theaters December 15th.