Pappy's Flatshare - Beef Brothers Cold Cuts w/ James Acaster S9E22

Episode Date: August 26, 2019

The Beef Brothers are here to sort out your beef with special guest James AcasterJames Acaster - https://twitter.com/JamesAcasterPappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetIf you have a flatshare based beef you'd like us to solve then send it to [e-mail] us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareProduced by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's fall, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So, no. You can't get a maple tree on Uber Eats, but maple syrup, maple lattes, and maple bourbon. Yes, we deliver those. Turtles? No. But turtles the dessert?

Yes. Because those are groceries, and we deliver those too. Along with your favorite restaurant food, alcohol, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See out for details. Greetings, listener dear. I'm Tom. I'm Ben. And I am Matthew. Am I on? I am on. Sorry. I didn't hear my bell. And Ben is on. Come on, Ben! Ben is on baby! We're all on. What are we on for? We are on for another fantastic

episode of Beef Brothers Cold Cuts. BBC. It's a good one this time. It's a very good one. We've got a very strong guest. He's incredibly strong. He beat the fuck out of us. Yeah, that is huge. That was a real shame. It's James A. Castor, and he came in here, swinging his dick around, punched us all in the chops, and left. So it's a short, but fun listen. A lot of them listed, there's been waiting for it for a long time. It's an age old grudge match, or grudge match. So, enjoy the episode.

Have a listen. And if you would like to contribute to Beef Brothers Cold Cuts, don't forget you can email us at beefbrotherspodcastatgmail.com. And that goes straight to the PO box. That goes straight to the PO box, and if you are sending it to the PO box... Oh, it's all we ask. Just be honest guys. It's all we ask. It's all we're asking for.

Well, enjoy the episode, and we'll see you on the other side. Well, if you've got a problem, I'm calling a problem, if you've the other side. Welcome to a B Brothers Colquats. Thanks very much James for coming on the show. It's a pleasure to have you here. Now you're not a you're not a flat mate anymore, are you? You've got your own place. You live alone. I love it so much. Why did you? What do you love about living alone that you didn't love about having a first of all? I just want to say that the last people I live with were lovely. I loved living with them, but they made me. They were so great that they made me want to live on my own, because my friend Joe had bought this flat and me him

and my friend and his girlfriend Kate all lived together and he made it his own, he made it feel like a home. Right. And I hadn't been in a, that was so sad. I hadn't been in a home for like 10 years. Since childhood, yeah. You can move out your parents house and then you're doing flat shares and you're putting I'm sad. I hadn't been in a home for like 10 years. So that's childhood. Yeah. You can even move out your parents house and then you're doing flat shares and you're putting

up with the mold on the ceiling and the door that doesn't work and all that kind of stuff and it's fine. And you don't really notice any of it until you're in a nice home again, sitting on a nice sofa watching TV and going, oh, I forgot that this is my favourite thing in the world. Cooking properly. Is sitting on a nice sofa watching the television. And then I just like got really obsessed with, I really want to do that and make somewhere in my own. So like, I like the fact now that I can just sit on the sofa watching TV.

Yeah. Feels like the best thing ever after like years have not done it. Sorry, but what were you doing in the other houses other than? I was laying in bed watching the laptop on my, was watching the laptop on the chair. I didn't have a proper yeah I didn't do it have a proper TV or or I was like out a lot and like you know I have other people be watching the TV. Well the couples yeah couples watching the TV you don't want to go and just sit there in between them do you know you want you want to leave them to yet to their private time yeah So, yeah, no, I completely get that. And now you can watch TV to your heart's content.

But instead, you're on tour constantly. Yeah, you'll never see your... Always away. I want to get home. It's really intensely emotional. LAUGHTER How long have you been in your new house? A year now.

So, have you got it home-ly? Yes. Is there still stuff to be done or is there still stuff to be done? But I'm about to like sort out those, so it's like, basically all your, all your tired rooms need to be sorted out. I just realized I've been. Yeah, you've visited, because you dropped over very generously, Joel, Joel Dommett,

friend of the podcast, I assume? Yeah, he's a friend of the podcast. Yeah. Well, it was just a huge cabinet. A huge cabinet. Huge old cabinet and Clarkie just chipped in, didn't even have, I mean, you were doing two friends of favor at once.

Yeah, I had no skin in the game whatsoever. And you helped just transport this cabinet round. It was pretty big. It was all- I was done with Donatey, the cabinet, all set of housewarming gift. He was donating it, basically Joel's also moving at the same time.

And he came in to see my place and realized that all of my furniture was, what's the word? But it's been, what it's been, what be chic. Word that's been, Distress, upcycled. Yeah, kind of like whatever. Repair, but yeah, old word. Is that makes sense?

Yeah. Word that was used for other stuff and is now furniture. And Joel was like, I've got a cabinet at home that's exactly this kind of, it looks, it's, it's, it's from the same range, but it looks of it. We're looking to get rid of it when we move. Who's, drop it round here. So I've got, didn't charge your penny. Didn't charge me a penny, it's Joel, don't it, bebe?

He's a nice, nice man in the world. He's a very nice man. Only person nice with him is Clarky. No skin in the game, did it anyway. That's great. So, should we solve some people's flat share based beefs? Yes, please. Do you want to start with yours, Tom?

Yes. So, I guess this is, I like this. Is it beef or is it a prank? Okay. This is a great start to the show. Is it a prank? Is it a regular section of the show? No, it's not. It to the show. Is it a prank? Is it a regular section of the show? I don't know if it's a show.

In fact, Clarky, a little bit more. Do a z jingle, mate. Do a z jingle for it. Is it B for is it a prank? Were you out for a zkarky? Short. Do you want me to do it like live now? You could do one live now.

And if we're not happy with it, we're going to ask you to go away and write one. Oh no, I'm not. Go on, do one live now. Is it beef? Or is it a prick? Yes. We're going to need to do one live now. Is it beef? What is it up? PRACK! Yes!

We're going to need that in place to offer it to our clients. I enjoyed that actually. But you know what? You can take that, you can clip that out and just give it a bit of music. Judging up. Yeah, 19 C-BBC that's what I like about it. That's sort of our vibe. Yeah, it feels very much like a cycle.

Cycle that jingle. Feel like it. Get your own back. Distress that wood. Alright, let's hear the jingle now. This is it. What is it up? Brack. And we're back from the jingle that Clarke's just done.

So Tom, is it beef or is it a prank? Someone's been doing commercial radio recently. Absolutely. We never say and we're back. That's not how it's. We're back from that jingle. And we're back from playing Cassabian. So Joe writes.

It's a strong front name. Strong front name from Joe. And are we talking Joe with an E or Joe? Joe with an E. Joe with an E. Yes. Is Joe with an E? Is that what makes it male?

Or can you get producer Emma nods? I think you can have Joey as a unisex name. Yeah, Dora's Creek. Dora's Creek. Famously so. But, Anna Kangaroo. But, you can't have Joe as a female Joe with an age. Well, here's the thing.

Traditionally. Because I know a male Joe with his J.O. Oh. You know, male Joe who's J.O. And is that an effectation, or is that, was that, was that parents choice? I don't know, I'll have to. What's his name?

I'll have to text him. We only do front names only, I'm afraid, on the podcast. But is his name Jonathan? I mean, like, yeah. His name is, oh, is it Joseph? Is that what you're saying? Well, yeah, oh, it's a life.

Johannes. Oh, is that? I think I know if it was Johannes. I'm pretty sure, Johannes. I'm pretty sure it's Joseph. Is it Johannesburg? It is Johannesburg, Johannes. I'm pretty sure Johannes. I'm pretty sure it's Joseph. Is it Johannesburg? It is Johannesburg, yeah. That's his full name.

Johannesburg. Good name, Johannesburg. Johannesburg, not a bad name. It's a perfect surname, is it? If you are called Johannesburg, do tweet us at Pappy's Tweet. Right, so we cleaned up the joke. The salon area.

Here we go. And the salon area. Sorry Joe. Before prank, my flatmate keeps hiding copies of Margaret Thatcher's autobiography in my house. My girlfriend found one and nearly broke up with me. Can I ask a question in it? Which I know we're not gonna get the answer from Joe

because that's all he's given us. But copies. Yeah. That's the big thing, isn't it? So he's, as he gone to one of those like book warehouses and just bought a ton of them. Or whenever he sees one, he buys one. Whenever he sees one, he buys one.

Right, he can assassin with catcher in the rye. Remember that, he's nothing. If you wanna be an assassin, you, or is that like a few people have done that? Or just one or? Wait, what's What's invented this? I don't know. No, I don't know.

He's thinking the jackpot. I don't know one guy did it. I don't know personally. Well, he. Yeah. So who's the, was it the guy who shot Reagan or someone? Lenin. Yeah, John Lenin, Mark Chapman was reading, catching the row.

I think while he waited for the police to pick him up. And I think there's another assassin who had like multiple copies, multiple copies at home. Right. Do you think that's why JD Salinger is a recluse? Because he's afraid assassin who had like multiple copies. Multiple copies at home. Right. Do you think that's why JD Salinger is a recluse? Because he's afraid he's going to get shot. Absolutely. Yeah. Oh, I could be that.

Oh, yeah. Is JD Salinger a murderer? Phone in. I get who's. You, you, you, you, you sound the other one, he's doing commercial A.D. You literally can't phone in guys. If, if we're only, if we're only giving out front names, we're certainly not giving out our mobile phone. We can't phone in guys. If we're only giving out front names,

we're certainly not giving out our mobile phone. We can't phone in. Here's Shed7. Mm-hmm. So yeah, I think, I think there's a thing. I think there's enough of a thing. I think it might be the guy shot Reagan, the guy shot Lenin.

I don't know. That's what I've heard. So this guy, how do you factors or a biography? What are you saying about him? Well, well, it's good because if you're someone's house, did you see that they've got factors or a biography? You're trying to think, oh, maybe they were studying something at uni, they're required.

If you see two copies. This is it, isn't it? It suggests they're a fan. You get to a third copy and then you start thinking. If you've got a copy in every room, like because the thing is obviously thatcher, a fascinating person, whatever you think of her politics, I haven't watched the I play a documentary that everyone keeps saying to watch, but I've heard it's very, very good. She's an interesting person, so I would be interested to read her autobiography.

Yeah. But I wouldn't be interested to sort of make a fort out of copies of it. I haven't got, now he he suggested that as a possibility. I've got enough reading stamina anymore to get through autobiographies of my favourite people. Who are your favourite people? That's a good question. I haven't written my autobiography yet either.

No. What would it be called? No skin in the game. Clarky in the eye? Yes. No skin in the game. Clarke in the eye? Yeah, Clarke in the eye. Who's your favourite person, Clarke? Jackie Chan? Is he really? What more than Megan?

She's going to be devos! Who's your favourite person? I would accept Jackie Chan. We're not talking about like famous people. They can be famous. Who's your favourite person? I would accept Jackie T. We're not talking about like... It's been famous people. They can be famous. Well, as a kid, I remember being a church, who has raised a little Christian boy.

And with Jesus. Well, this is the thing, is that we had a Sunday school thing, where we all had to write like, almost a profile about ourselves, and draw a funny picture, and then they all went on the wall of the church. These are the kids of the church. Yes. And it said hero and all the other kids wrote Jesus because it was the right answer.

And I was the only one who wrote Robin Williams. But the answer is always Jesus. Yeah, I've got to ask any question. I don't immediately. In Sunday Story. The answer is always God or Jesus. Yeah. It's never the only human being. He did the question is, who is the star of flubber?

Jesus still he answered. Jesus, yeah, it's the star of everything. Because it wouldn't exist if it wasn't for God. Old flubber sermon. I was on the mat. When I was, because I'm also former Christian boy. We all are, aren't we? We all are, yeah.

It's a former Christian podcast, it's how the podcast started. It's a collapsed Christians. When we had to do my confirmation, which you have to do as a Catholic, you get to pick another name, another middle name. And I picked, had to do this choice. Deal this choice, yeah, yeah. You get to go.

You get to go. You get to go. And I did know that. I said I wanted to be James, right? Yeah, thank you. This was my pleasure. And they asked why, why are you so, like, what's the, what are the about St. James that you really like?

I said, no, it's for Jimmy Page, the guitarist out of Led Zeppelin, and they're really upset by that. But I didn't know anything about St. James. So I could talk for age about Jimmy Page. Sure. Nice. The double neck guitar. Yeah. Bowing it. The song remains the same. I can have a great chat, but they weren't... They weren't interested. My rock and roll like the rebellion in church was... That wasn't rebellion by the way, it's just I really liked Led Zeppelin.

Oh, right, okay. You're not in trouble. I was at the time. Is it you reacted like you're in trouble with that? I've just suddenly remembered how upset the priest was. If you were rebellious, it's fine. I was rebellious in other ways, but not that wasn't it you were. Yeah, on the back row of one evening service. Oh yeah.

The next o'clock. The two of you making out. That was in there. I used my key to carve praise god for Jarvis in the back of the pew. I love it. It was like I was kind of doing it to show off to Clarky and then I was really. I mean it worked. I was really like racked with guilt for a good while after that. Did they know it was you? No.

Did they? I told him it was Clarky. No, I did. Clark was too busy on stage moon in the crowd, weren't you? Absolutely. That was the only thing that Jacky chap means. And Ferret person? I don't know actually.

I mean, my root one answer would be something like when you, when you always go to as people like Steve, like your childhood answers like Steve Ball the walls here, right? Of course Steve, all the walls. But I think in reality it'd probably be like David Byrne in terms of like person I most admire and kind of go, he's done everything, he keeps doing everything right.

Yes. And it's like, if you could have done what he's done. So I guess that, but I don't know, I don't wanna meet him. Oh yeah, I find it very intimidating. So like, it's how do you define favorite part? Where is the tricky hero? I'd like to meet Steve Bull. No, I know, so little about his career.

I've just, I've seen a bit of, you know, Steve Bull by the way, did the Mr and Mrs for Perry Stagdey. Wow. He'd videoed him doing all the questions. That's pretty cool. When you were, we pretty giddy. I was pretty giddy and then it got to a point where it was kind of slightly, like, Bully wasn't a massive fan of the answers.

Yeah. And then he editorialised a little bit too much. Yeah, he didn't quite approve that Jane had asked me out first. He didn't think that I was like, that's not the way it should be done. I wasn't sure about writing poems. I wasn't sure how to handle that. I was never so sure about that.

I kind of got to the point where I was letting down my childhood here. It was set to green. Yeah. But I also think there's that say for example, I think like Clark and I just come back from music festival. It's like watching like That's like Liam on stage and it's like he's not he's far and away not one of my favorite people But like from a rock and roll point of view it's like and it's like sometimes you don't want your

people. But like from a rock and roll point of view, it's like, and it's like, sometimes you don't want your heroes to be your favorite people because there's, you know, I don't know, it's like there's a, yeah, people like him, it's quite an iconic, you know, of my childhood and adolescence. He was a huge icon, even if I wasn't like a big oasis fan, he was one of the main rock stars that were like, yeah, I remember him spitting on the crowd and stuff and people, and news stories about how he spat on the audience and what a shame, and I was thinking, even as a kid, oh, that's pretty cool. Well, you spout on every audience you've ever been.

Oh, wait, so you got me a trade-out? Go out and I'll spit on him immediately, and I'll let him go. What's going on? I'm James Hick, I'm so quick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry. He got up on a mull.

I have accidentally spit on some audiences recently, actually, because I've got these braces in. Is that in Vizeline? Oh, he's got his trains. But sometimes if I forget to take him off before I go on stage, that's very... It gets a bit frothy. And then I can like really give a punchline

a little bit too much. And I, you know, if there any chance of them flying out, is there any chance of... No, these will always stay in. Right. They're locked in. Really locked in and sometimes hurt. But like, yeah.

Have you got them in currently? Yeah, I'm currently wearing them. Wow, they're great. You can't see them right? Whoa. I suppose that's where the Envisa bit comes in. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm catching up now.

I'm not. Clarke is waking up, isn't he? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, because he's ashamed of reading it, that's one thing. If he's bought more because then it is a prank, definitely. If he's hiding them around the house to wind up. They go for a nearly breaking up with him over it, it's pretty crazy. What she didn't believe, because that, I don't understand, they're going to go into his room, so say it's hidden in his bedroom. And he's like, oh, I don't know how that got there. And she's like, oh, I don't know how that got there. And she's like, I don't believe you.

I don't believe you. And he's like, no, Liam keeps putting like, I'm going to the end of the room. It's this. He keeps spitting on me and putting the garbage in the back. Yeah, yeah. He's hiding books around that. He keeps hiding this around that has all the time.

And she's like, if that's happened, right. Joe, what? It's been a long time coming, we're fucking crazy. Like, what's the argument there? Was she nearly broke out with him? He's got to have certain tour attendances, I think, for that to cause a break up. There's got to be an element of going, I knew it.

You know what, the whole strip tour, the whole strip of Michael Gove, I can deal with. That's fine. I understand. The little shrine to Boris, that's okay as well, but this book, I think the problem with it is that yeah, you're absolutely right, if it's one copy and someone's reading it, that's history, isn't it? You're a lottery.

You know, if I went to a person's house and they had, say they had two books about Hitler, I'm thinking of a specific house. Okay. I don't freak out in this house and go, right, well, Hitler lives here. Yeah, sure. Or a big Hitler fan. Yeah. I just go, you know, Hitler is a lesson from history.

Thatcher is a lesson from history. We should learn about these things. Yeah. You know, we can't live in a world where all you want, all you hear are things you agree with. We can't live in an echo chamber. Sure. Come on out. Yeah, go on. Three books on Hitler.

Yeah. What is the cutoff point? What's the cutoff point? How big a Hitler section is two bigger Hitler sections? Well, you could, maybe you've just assumed they did a history degree. I think you have to ask. Do you do a history degree?

Okay, how about this? Three books are Hitler. Only three books in the house. LAUGHTER A small bookshelf right above the fireplace. No television. Yeah. Three books are Hitler and no other books. I think that's a lamb house.

Yeah. So that's where you're going to worry. What if I'm signed? So I think the best advice we give to Joe here. Because I don't, I feel like this is a prank not a beef. So what should he do? What should he do to prank back? Get rid of all of his, like, go to his mates room,

get rid of all of his books. Three books of Hitler. Three books of Hitler. Yeah, three. Three copies of Mein Kampf, so I'll give it to autobiography, isn't it? I know it's not Tecler, he is autobiographer, it kind of is.

But, um, super glue, hit the poster to the wall. Super glue. That's really good. Hit the duvet. I mean, it's gonna, because you have to have that custom made. And that's gonna slightly mess with your algorithm. It's not gonna mess with us.

It's not gonna mess with us. Well, I mean, yeah, you're never allowed back in that branch on Stratem High Road. But, but yeah, it's going to mess with your algorithms because you know, like if you buy a thing and then every time you go on a website, little pictures appear off that thing all around the website. What you don't want is every time you log on to, you know, whatever, the independence

news site, a picture of Hitler appears. That's what Joe does though, Joe goes on his flatmates laptop. Get in there at the end. Yeah. And orders the Hitler do. Joe does no joke goes on his flatmates laptop Get in there at the yard orders The Hitler do you know because this is how this is what this is what crime is in the 21st century now Isn't it it's sort of cyber terrorism you've got I've seen specter you've got to get in there You get in there and you tap away on is you get you get tap away on his Just discovered cybercrime

This is the 21st century record. I'm regular Johnny Lee Miller. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I know. You're lucky. You're lucky I left the house, but you know what?

I'm going off grid. Genuine, I'm going off grid. But first, this is insomnia by faithless. I'm going to be embraces the future. I can't get by faithless. I'm not gonna... Are you possibly embracing the future? I can't get those things. Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, What's a password manager? Oh, Tom. Tom, you've got to get yourself a password manager. Come on. I've already told you I've not got one. I don't have one either.

I know of them. Yeah. So what's a password manager? The idea that, so like, person? No, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, But the idea of JavaScript is a one, and the idea of JavaScript is an out symbol. You've got to be safe, guys, I saw them saying. No, the idea of password, man, I mean, here's the thing, I'm going to try and explain it, I don't know what it is. Sure.

Well, I think it's an app on your phone that has, basically, you make sure that all of your passwords are different and are unique and it stores them all on the... And it changes them up. Yeah, it changes them up. It changes them up them up. Oh, this is great. So I do that on my own. You don't have it really Mechley. Yeah, it's really and I've also I've gots I've I've maybe facts by in this is lead me up to cyber hackers But I've got none of our listeners are cyber hackers are you guys if you are a cyber hacker do tweet us or hack our Twitter and just tweet from us. No, don't say that because that's very easy to do. We haven't trade the password since we started our Twitter, so it's that. Oh God, he's Brenda gonna do it. If you are a cyber hacker. Please hack Eric. Please hack Tom's Twitter and tweet from his Twitter. That's a good one actually. And change my profile pic to three pictures of Hitler.

A little montage of three pictures of Hitler. I get less and less worried about cybercrime and stuff like that. The more that the quality of the episodes of Black Mirror decline. The more that like those episodes get worse, they scare me less and I don't get as scary as I'm kind of fine now. Maybe that was Charlie Brooker's plan. Yeah. Like to manage our kind of dread by just making things slowly feel more okay.

Yeah. He's just more into the future. Yeah. He's sort of the anti-Adam Curtis. He doesn't make, because Adam Curtis makes you freak out about stuff you never even thought about before. Yeah. Whereas Charlie Brooker's like, are our phones following us? Yeah, but it's fine.

Yeah, well, end of episode. But honestly, seriously, who gives a fuck about you? You know? Who gives a fuck... Like, if you're worried about... just about everyone. Oh, I thought you were having a pop at Charlie Brook, though. No, not Brook guy. I love Brook's work. I like that band of snatch episode. That was great fun. But... I had a problem with that episode. Oh, you're having a pop at Charlie Brooker there. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, hmm, teo coffee. And then like the bands go down the bottom, dun dun dun. And in the meantime, he's going tea. Oh coffee. And it was like, that's every advert casting I've ever gone to tea or coffee.

It's name is actually, isn't it? Or coffee. Oh, I have a coffee. And that once that, you know, the third one of those, I was like, oh, I can't be, can't be doing with this. And that's it. So tea on the computer. And so your, your episode of Bandus that she watched was just, oh, I can't be doing with this. And that's it. So, 40 on the computer and so your episode of Bandit's That, she just decided what to have for his lunch and then you just watched it. That's it, that's it, yeah, yeah. There's a few snacks.

Bandit's snack. Yeah, but are. Bandit's snack. No, no, drops? Oh, it's a lie. But anyway, so basically, what all I'm saying is, you know, if you're worried about cybercrime, get over yourself. So, have we solved the beef? I don't feel like we have. But I think you should broke up with Ms. Gelfand.

Right. Wow. That was the first thing that was being, I actually think you're on something here because if you're with a partner who is prepared to think the worst of you, purely on finding market touch or biography in your room, are they the one for you? She nearly broke up with him. If his words are true there, it's going to happen in a few months anyway. Just get out of that mate. Yeah. Yeah. Rip. Rip off the bandage.

End it. Yeah. And you know what? End it by giving her a copy of Thatcher's Autography. Yeah. Saying, she's amazing. You're awesome. You could never be her.

You could never be her. Yeah. You could never be the iron lady. I'm shutting you down like the mines. Yeah. It's the wave of our monster, drinking a glass of milk. Yeah, eating a Mr. Whippy.

What is that Chazotabrogfical? What is that Chazotabrogfical? Yeah, good question. What would you call it? That Chazotabrogf. I mean, it's good. It's because some of those... Yeah.

I'd suggest a sort of level of self awareness that I don't think she has or sort of self-loathing. I don't think she had. What about... Iron Dawn. Iron Dawn is good. I was going to say, that's your way, I like it. That's a reddened ratio.

Yes, that's a reddened ratio. That's a reddened ratio, that's what I would be. And it has like a bright pink black hand and she wear it in bright pink suits. Yeah, what about no margarettes? No margarettes. No margarettes. No margarettes. No margarettes.

No margarettes. No margarettes. No margarettes. No margarettes. No margarettes. No margarettes. No margarettes. No margarettes.

No margarettes. No margarettes. No margarettes. No margarettes. These are all good. So basically, break up with your girlfriend, crack on with the FATURE or the BG is a great lady. Beef solved. From the Sony Gigabit! Beef solved! It's far and you can get anything you need with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get a maple tree on Uber Eats, but maple syrup and maple lattes. Yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats. Get almost, almost anything.

Order now. Product availability may vary by region, see after details. Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman planting her coast of freedom at a lot for... It's nonstop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Four things. It's like theatersstop bonkers brilliance. I love that poor things in so like theaters for December 15th If you wanted to yours James sure sure here we go our front names only please

Okay Matthew Thank you James Max this guy says actually. Oh hi puppies. Hi, and James a customer I hope you can help Hi, Papis. Hi. James, hey, Casano. I hope you can help. I'm sorry.

I'm James. I hope you can help. Both my wife and I will occasionally buy nice treats to eat. She will put hers in the cupboard for later. I will almost immediately eat mine. She leaves hers for this guy's grammar and spelling is all over the shop. First of all, okay, well firstly we've got a real problem with you Matt.

She leaves hers for so long Matt, not she leaves her for so long. She needs hers for so long. Unless the treat is a lady. I'll be a twist at the end. That would be a twist. Well let's find out. She leaves her for so long. Brackets, but apparently hasn't forgotten them. Close brackets.

She's a pleasure to let her. Until they go off. Oh. Oh. That's the laying the pleasure for too long. Sometimes I'll just eat hers as it's out of date. Other times I'll remind her of her existence, but she won't want it at that point.

Leaving it longer until it's inedible. Yet I'm always in the wrong if I eat it. What the fudge man? Is it thanks guys? It sounds like it's fudge. And he hasn't got, once again, in classic Matt fashion, has not put a comment between fudge and man. So he's, he's talking about a fudge man.

What the fudge man? What the fudge man, that's a different inquiry. It's like Ghostbusters Nightmare-ish. I'll like a bloke who's made all that a fudge man, that's a different inquiry. It's like Ghostbusters Nightmare-ish. Oh, like a bloke who's made all out of fudge. Yes, but he'll look a little bit like the thing out of Dogma. Yeah, the shit demon, the golgotha that made out of fudge. What's that in the wall? We thought Dogma was because

we were Christian. Yeah, we went along and we were like, whoa, man. He's blowing our minds. I remember you went back to church and you scrubbed out Jarvis and you wrote Kevin next to equally. Do you want to bother Bob? Praise Kevin for Jarvis, it says no. Really weird message. So we're talking about some, we're talking about this, this Matt. I think this is interesting because this is like, I would say to Matt that, well for one he's got, I mean, I don't really know.

You've got real beef with him or any because of it doesn't feel like you're in partial anymore yeah well for starters they should break up you've got no it's like having Daniel sloss on this break it up up in the front center I'm stopping this is giraica so I'm not sloss we could all get That's last week and they'll get people to break up. I think the vital piece of the puzzle that we're missing here is the nature of the treats. Yes, because how things age. Like if your treat is, if they're like, oh, we've got some lovely milk.

Here we go. That's what it's like. It's just a little show, that's what it's like. Here we go. F-fatchers back. Look, he is. This was- this was showfatcher. Oh, lovely bit of milk. Let's put it in the cupboard. And he's like, don't put it in the cupboard, mate. And then she's like, no, no, it's for later. That would be a different piece.

I'm going to say your imagined scenario is completely bogus. There's no way, Matt. They've got bigger problems. if the problem is they get out and buy milk together as a treat and then leave it in the covers. Oh, if it's, the opposite end of the scale is, if it's a bottle of wine. It's coming off, man.

How wine's gonna spoil going down to the cellar? No, Matt, you do not understand wine. But if it's like Battenberg, that blossom hill is out here. That Battenberg feels like that's going to improve. I'm not Battenberg. Battenberg probably grow more old and stuff. Yeah. Battenberg, I think Battenberg's got a real shelf life.

It's got a lot of chocolate. Battenberg's actually weird. I don't know, a cake or something is the only kind of like, I'll accept his point of view if it's a cake. There's a chocolate bar, a chocolate or something. They're fine leaving that for ages, and it should back off. If it's fruit, then that's insane that that's their tree, but I don't know.

I don't know, that's the health note. It'd be in the cupboard, is that? That's the tree' health note. Yeah, what is that? The treats' cake. If the treat is cake or biscuits, which even one of them will kind of like start to lose their vibe, I lose their, you know, the, you just say, quai? Yeah, sure.

I don't know. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, all sweet treats, really. Although my favourite is the combo. Anything that's salty and sweet. Oh, absolutely. Cheese and pineapple. I don't like people who can't have this. Cheese and pineapple. Like that's what it looks like. I'm going to go and make up the size.

I love how it's so cool. I'm going to go for it. So they get home, they come up great, putting in foil, they're sticking out. Cheese and pineapple, they put it in the cupboard, and he's like, that will go off again. We can't wait until I'm finished. Thanks to you. cover to anything like that will go off. We can't wait until I'm there.

And my my treat is ice cream at the moment. I've got a really bad to episode of love Ireland and a ice cream happen. And it's a problem. And I'm getting up in the morning and I'm running. I'm getting up in the morning. I'm running to the shop. How are you Fritz Wobbent? I've started getting, and it's not as good, the low calorie Ben and Jerry's. It's okay, the chocolate cookie dough. I don't think with that was the point. Well, it's less calorie.

I don't think, yeah. You're eating ice cream in the first place. It's not like, you know, it's never going to be good for you. No, you're right. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's. You eat ice cream in the first place. It's not like, you know, it's never going to be good for you.

No, you might as well go all out if you're going to do it, but do it on occasion. Yeah, I'm with salads. I hate it when they put dressing on it because I'm like, well now this is pointless. You just jump to a whole load of sugary syrupy stuff on it. There are only reason I'm eating this is to feel less guilty and be healthy in some way. Yeah, when I briefly got into the My Fitness Pal app, if you type anything from like Preta Mongeri, like that into it, the little pot,

they give you the sauce, that's all the calories there, is it? Yeah, right. And they even say that on the thing, they're like, it's only this much calories and then in brackets without the sauce. Yeah, so what I do now is I eat the ice cream with a little top of that pret sauce. Oh yeah, it's horrible but it's sweet and it's savory. It's got that vava vum I've been looking for.

I just saved them up the pots and shot them before I attack. Yeah, and then the calories will just see me through the night. I've given up alcohol. I've taken up calories. So we don't know what the treats are. Is the problem with this? No, we don't. Either way, actually, regardless of what what the treats are I would say

It says I'm always in the wrong if I eat it. It's what he said See so in that case break stop eating. Yeah, yeah Here's like it's very easy. Oh every time I touch that electric fence. I'll get electrocuted We'll stop touching the fucking fence stop eating See it's like this See it like this the whole point your tree is that you eat it straight away You want to eat that lovely tree. Yeah fair enough. Her tree is knowing that her partner will leave her treat alone That's her treat. She leaves it in the cupboard. The knowledge that it's there. She leaves it in the cupboard She knows it's there and him not eating it means the world to her But he's not eating it Matt, are you fucking squirrel?

Yeah Let's be honest here mate It's so based He's talking You dating would have been fine You're buffing a squirrel bro That's fucking the squirrel You buffing a squirrel

And no point in this letter as he said they're sleeping together Oh, sorry Are you courting? He's got a wife Are you courting a squirrel? Are you courting a squirrel get squirrels is why is his wife he married the mate you marry a squirrel bro Say you marry a squirrel fam You keep doing it Thank you. I never thought I'd get permission like that from you

So I think I'm sorry Clark you well, I was gonna say I think that is a good point, but also I I think, sorry, Clark, you know. Well, I was gonna say, I think that is a good point, but also, I hate waste. Yes, came to that point. It's not a good point. If you don't touch electric fence, that electric fence isn't gonna be taken away. Sure.

And burned. What? Sure. Sure. Wait, is the electric fence the wife or the trait? Because I'm not sure. No, we're all so squirrel. Of the wife's squirrel, of course.

And electric fence is good. Yeah, so I think for Matt, he just needs to buy for himself three, four times as many snacks. Right? No, but I think that's the point. You like to have that. You like to have that point. You like to have that point. You like to have that point.

You like to have that point. You like to have that point. You like to have that point. You like to have that point. You like to have that point. You like to have that point. You like to have that point. You like to have that point. You like to have that point. You like to have that point. You like to have that point. You like to have that point. refuses to eat it, then it's better than waiting for a week and putting it in the bin.

For the good of the planet. Nothing here says that she ever puts these things in the bin. No. She might want to get a chocolate bar and then be one of those people. You know, like sometimes on like Blue Peter, they would have an old woman who found a chocolate bar in the back of her fridge. It was from like 1912. Oh yeah, or a squirrel. Or a squirrel, exactly. She might also be a squirrel. And that's... Do Texas in and tell us, you fucking that squirrel man. Yeah. Squirrels is my favorite animal by the way.

I wish you liked them. I, not that much. But they're my favorite animal. That's a great choice. I love them. I know, if it is a great choice. I absolutely love them. They're put you vicious.

You know what? A squirrel would fuck you up. Yeah, but then so are most animals. If you mess with him. My granny used to call them tree rats. Tree rats. Yes, yes. How many, hang on, how many people do you know have been attacked by a squirrel? Do you know anyone?

Have you been attacked? Well, we are so much to fuck on that. We're surrounded by squirrels. No, no, not true. In this, yeah, yeah, we get, well, in a second we get open a door.. In love with your never further away. I've never felt in love with anybody. There's a fact on the squirrels in London, right? They're all there. They're around that about. Not true. Okay, here's what I'd say, right? If you said to me, yeah, Okay. I'll say to you give me 10 minutes to get a picture of a squirrel. Yeah. Oh, I bet I could. Let's send him out. Do you want to do that? No.

No. You're tired. All right. So wait, wait, wait, so I'll take, you're okay. In 10 minutes, you go out and get a photo of you of a squirrel within 10 minutes. Yeah. I thought that was going to be a bigger note. I thought I was taking a 10-hour rocket. Fiverr, it's not really worth it, is it? Backwood. Yeah? Yeah. 10 minutes, do you get touched? Didn't want that screw on the, wouldn't bite you?

No, I'm not saying touch it. Never touch a squirrel. Yeah, just like my favourite animal saying, I don't have to touch. We're surrounded by squirrels. I know. Yeah. There's a lot of squirrels in, I get well-hired.

I see squirrels in London, I'm not saying I haven't seen them. I was never, I don't feel surrounded by them. I see a squirrels in London I'm not saying I haven't seen them. I was never I feel surrounded by that guy What fucking surrounded? I remind you everywhere. You're intimidating, buddy. Would the Slyroids be a good horror movie like the bird? Yes! Do you think it would? No. I mean any volume of animals, you're scary. Says the Master of Horror. I'd say it would have to be it could be like like

Have you ever seen black sheep? That's like the comedy horror I reckon you could do with squirrels, but I don't think it'd ever be truly scary. It's black sheep, like sort of a herde sheep following them around. Yeah, and it's like it's set in New Zealand, but it's like, oh, that sounds good. It's really good actually. I think where the moment where the camera pans around to look at a squirrel, that's not gonna be truly terrifying.

There's loads of them though, liking the book. Like, maybe if it wasn't that the whole film was the squirrels terrifying. No, it's not going to be terrifying. It has loads of them, though, liking the book. Maybe it wasn't that the whole film was the Skrivals, but like, it has one, so if the whole film was animals, just becoming like, you know, possessed and attacking people. All right.

And there's one scene where it's like loads of Skrivals. And there's one person dies at the hands of like, loads of Skrivals in a park. Then that would be put in. That's it. They're having a picnic and it's like, something illegal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's gradually at first, it's having a nice, then that would be put in. That's it. They're having a picnic and this is like this. Something they leave when it's nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So it's gradually at first. So it's having a nice picnic and one score comes over. Oh, I don't think it's going to help himself to the, I don't know, that's cute, look at this squirrel. And then like, consider this one a shot. And the kids like, Dad, there we go. And then like, yeah, over the shoulder, there we go. And immediately, bite some in the eye.

Oh, the eye, not the eye. School bites his eye, and then... Nature's Nuts. Yeah, the eye is very much nature's nut. And then he's screaming, like, ah, and then there'd be squirrels, like, biting the end of his tongue. Yeah.

Oh, god, it'll be awful. I know, I applied for the jaffers. Yeah, when I was a student, I'd write a play about animals turning on humans, and it being like that, basically. Wow. But then it very very what was it called? It was called What was it called? No, okay, this sounds like someone heard my great idea. I was trying to claim that he came up with it first

And I was kind of make up a name on the spot. I was on the fear and dread of you Yeah, very much Very good one. She's based on, there's the Bible references what God says to know at the end of the flood. It says, very chryzo episode. Go for it. And the fear and dread of you will fall over the whole animal kingdom. It's kind of the idea that I got reversed.

And so, like, the first act I thought was really good at the plaques. It was like all the exciting stuff for the animals taking on humans. But they rapidly descended into a breakup plate. Yeah. Because I was a student who'd been through a breakup. Sure. So it was like the guy and the girl who'd broken up end up in the same room together. The last two humans alive and they have to ask whether to start the human race again or

not. You start the human race again? Because I did one of your plays which was about starting the human race again at university. What was that one called? Potential is a myth and I love you. Potential is a myth and I love you. That's right. Good titles. Good titles.

Good titles. Very same scripts. Yeah, well I love the titles. I really like coming up with titles. This was about they decided like all four or five people got together and decided to bury the world in sand. What? Bury the world in sand.

I like it. And I was basically like the punchline of the play in that I was under the sand, right? So there's a big sand pit that Tom had built. Yeah. And I was hidden under the sand because like the last person in the gang was still burying his way up.

And so I had a monologue that was on tape that you didn't hear because everyone thought I'd turned into an orange or something. They think, yeah, that's what I think. Basically, these five people emerge from the sand at the start of the show and it's like, where's Matthew's character? Oh, right. He's been left behind. And they can't deal with the fact that they've left something behind and so there's an orange, someone finds an orange and they're like,

maybe, oh, this is him. So they're like, oh, this is Matthew. So the orange is there and they refer to the orange as Matthew all the way through. And then at one point, the orange does someone a log because you think it's Matthew. But then you emerged right at the very end. And then pops out the sand at the end of it.

Boy, that was some fun. That was great. It wasn't you had to lie there for the hour? First night, first night I was buried under the sand. I for some reason No, I because I thought I'll get the needle up So I buried myself with my legs underneath me. Oh, no real mistake So I so I like like lay with my legs underneath me like lying on my back But with my knees sort of like my my shins touching my my my

thighs my knees, my shins touching my thighs. And yeah, that was a mistake, because I could immediately feel my both my legs going down. We've never really practiced. How are you doing that? I threw a straw. So you were literally lying under sand

with a straw in your mouth. Such is my cannot. But to art and to great playwriting. Could you not have found a way of faking that? What do you mean, find a way of faking? You know, find a way of like, you know. I know, you don't go on shooting theatre, make it go on the faking. The top of the sand, the top of the sand is real, but underneath there's like a box of your, your under the, this was in a studio theatre, studio theatre, probably a, like tops of 50 cedar.

Yeah, so they built a sand pit in the, yeah, I'd like about, no, I'd 10 sacks of builder sand delivered. Wow. And I was under the sand. I would have done this. And I'd probably saw angry with this because we got sand everywhere. In their black box theater. Yeah. Because then you cook, because also what you do after a play is you sweep everything out

and paint over the top of it. But of course, that just turned all the walls into sandpaper. Yes, me. So if anyone... Variable abrasive... Variable abrasive surface after that. When you do the walls into sandpaper. Yes, indeed. So if anyone... Very abrasive... Very abrasive surface after that. When you do the physical warm-ups.

Oh, chaf. Proper chaf. Proper chaf during that zip-zap-boying. Have we solved the beef? I don't think so. I mean, I'm veering towards my first answer again. Break up with that. Is that your solution for most things?

The waste fingers made me think, yeah, bad person. I don't know, I think. I like the idea that Tom's put forward of the comfort of their being just knowing there's something in the cupboard but not necessarily going for it. And it doesn't matter if it's off. Just knowing it's there and knowing that

you can't, it's not touching it. Can't he then do a thing where say they're in a box? You just, you just try and pretend they're still in there. Mm, sure. She's a snack. Shroding a snack, yeah. So you get a box, like you get a tin, that you claim is full, so like,

basically you've got to do like the Indiana Jones thing. You've got to replace it with something of equivalence of weight. Bag of sand, of course. Bag of sand, yeah sand It's really yeah But what if she comes in in a hurry is like great those chocolate rolls Bangs a bag of sand down a thread. Well, then you can say I think you've left them for so long they turn into sand You know what beef selves

Okay, which one is your one again? Vaporate man. Ah yeah, yeah, yeah, let's do that. The evaporating man. Let's guess it. It sounds like one of those, you know, the problems that you'd tell your wanna walk. Okay.

What? Wait, how can I say this? Those problems you'd tell your wanna walk. Yeah, you know, like where it'd be like, or like a riddle, you know? John and Sam. Sorry, I was a fool. For your dad had problems.

No, no, like, what? You said it, man, you seem like your dad was like, come on son, I've got to take you for a walk. Oh no, I like God. You'd be like, just, I buy these treats and your mummy to them. Well, I want his matrice to be in there. The evaporating milk, man. Inveparation. Yeah.

Inveparation. No, you know, like, you'd be walking up, catarita, did you just go and walk, cause kids? Yes. Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah. And it'd be like, that's not the bit we find where it's done. You just stand there, you know. You'd be 40 minutes in and you'd

have to do the whole, you know. The doctor was a woman, that kind of one. Was that the sort of thing? Yeah. My dad has problems with female doctors. Yeah, he's a problem. That's his problem. The doctor was a woman, all right? I've got to save my life as a woman.

I've got to talk to him about it. What is it, brothers and sisters? It's tough and incentives to get through the walks. My dad was just a bit sweet, because he knew what A cast of kids like. Oh, really? When we get to that next checkpoint, you get some of these sweet or Kendall Mankake

or whatever it was that he had on him. So yeah, we would, and also the rule was if we asked for them, we didn't get them. Didn't get them. So the pair of time we get longer if we asked. Right, it's like the, it's a bit like that test you can do when you put a sweet in front of a kid and you say if you don't eat this sweet, you get loads of sweets. Yes. He was sort of doing that for you.

Yeah. If you can avoid asking for it, you can have as many as you like. Yeah. What, what, what, what you did? What you're getting from that? What's the, what's the lesson? Well, whatever lesson I did learn, it's been endurned by the fact my dad is an absolute sweet Guzzler's an adult. So I say as an adult I mean like since I've become an adult and he's just gone like Let the mask slip and go. We're both adults now. I was going to speak myself

And you know I just got as no self control whatsoever So like I don't know what lesson I was being taught. What's he eating? Oh he loves He's like me, he loves chocolate, he loves ice cream, he loves cake, he loves sweets more than I do. I'm not as big into like, you know, like hard board sweets or wine gums and stuff like that. And jelly babies, but he'll,

he'll be more into those sweets than I am. But like, yeah. But now you live alone, you can guzzle away. I can guzzle away, but then I'm still quite, I'm quite, I tell you what, he probably has taught me a lesson. He goes. Because I am quite controlled, because I have like a very sensible box

that has the treats in. Doesn't sound like a sensible box. Yeah, sure, I do. My treat box, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm thought, you got a bunch of treats in it. I'm very controlled with it. So if you sit down on the sofa and you say, James, can I have a sweet? You then go, no, James. Yeah, no, don't be a choice. Because you've asked. Yeah, you can't.

No, no, no, no. That's another day you can't have a treat box. I do that to myself. I'm doing that, gollum voices of myself. You can't have a treat, can you? I don't want a treat, though. Please, Daddy, please daddy. I mean, it's not the best gollum impression, but I like it.

Yeah, yeah, I don't want to do the actual gollum one. You know, that's that's hack, right? People don't do that. Sure, I say. It's hack to make it my own. It's hack to do the voice, but it's not hack to reference the voice and do a completely different voice.

Yeah. That's my approach to any impression. That's my approach to any impression. That's my approach to any impression. That was hacked to be good at doing that. Exactly, that's what you'd be able to do it. And so instead, I can do this. Yeah. That was actually not a bad answer.

The Josh Berry's of the world. I like Josh Berry. I love Josh Berry. Do you know what? Literally yesterday, I was thinking of Josh Berry. I thought, if I saw Josh Berry in the street, I would freak out. Yeah, I feel I'd be more excited about me in Josh Berry. I'm not saying me.

I've been saying, I've been saying, I've been saying, I've been like, oh my God, Josh Berry. Josh Berry is somebody who doesn't personally like me. Oh, I know, I know. And that's why I can't really. I know it well. What's his catchphrase of fair play? It's his fair play.

To the point now, where there's like one line in my show where I say fair play, and he gets a much bigger laugh than ever. There's ever used to, because he just people say the Josh Berry impression. He's made it my catchphrase about it being my catchphrase. It's a bit like be me up Scotty isn't it? Sure.

If they never said it, everyone thinks of be me up Scotty. Yeah. Fair players become a thing you don't really say. You don't really say it but he's really picked up on it. You should have a few more fair plays into it. Yeah. I mean I've definitely said it once or twice. If you're worried about, you know, if you think this I was a bit of a lull in this bit. Yeah. Waking a fair play. I kind of have

that there was some bits in the show where I'm like, oh, it's kind of, we're kind of flagging at this point. At the end, don't say I'm fair play. I love it. I love it. It's under something. Can you do any impressions? No, I'm not good at impressions at all. No, I'm not very good. That's annoying. I would love to be good at doing that. Everyone does a witty comment impression obviously. Everyone does a witty comment.

Tom's witty comment is awful though, isn't it? Yes. Yes. That was pretty. That was better than I expected it to be. A bit better. bit better closer to Yoda Right let's give this evaporating man shot. Oh, yeah, the evaporating man. Okay, so like you said it's a quick or it sounds like Sherlock Holmes. Oh, yes, that's probably more

Yeah, so you say let's get into it and then Oh, that's what I was saying. Oh, this has a show at home story, yes. So you say, let's get into it and then. LAUGHTER OK. We've just got a show, look, for a while. I've had something. I feel like there's something plugged to something.

Have you unplugged something? Have you unplugged something? Oh, you might have unplugged it. It's just a headphone. It's OK. My own headphone is that I wasn't using. It's fine. Are we OK, Emma?

Emma's giving us the nods and the smile. Cool. And then... And the chevap rates. Emma's evaporated. Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!

Oh no! Nice bit of space work. Emma actually hid under the desk too. It would be much better if she'd gone straight up. Yeah, I was straight on that stove. I did that. She did it! On the third day she rose again.

And Clarke. Very good. Very, very good. Very, very good. Very good. Very good. Very good. It's a very good episode. Very good episode. Clarky, stop beating around the bush and get on with it. I feel like we should just do this one next time because now it'll be even more. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no I shot one kill every time. And finally, weirdly just the first five minutes.

Yeah, she has the first man. We're the most popular podcast in the world. Everyone loves that first five minutes. OK, so India writes. India. The nation. No, the whole nation. And club together.

I'll tell you what, Alanisis Morris set. Thank you. Thank you In the end. Yeah, she's got me she played all clicking together. Oh, she is God guys. Who won't this episode? I feel like Shamla We all gonna become Christians again We all gonna be Christians. Yeah, we start our own religion I'm more interested in going to go back to church than I am because I don't want to do the grunt work. I just want to be sitting there in the pew with a key carving away. It's a question. Yeah.

At the four of us, if we all started our own religions like separately, which of us would be the first one to become corrupt for power and start Harry 100% yeah, I said that knowing what the Who would go Jim Jones and go mad on like Barbie Birds and start start shacking everyone and then eventually murder everybody I reckon you know I'll I'll take you off I reckon you do the shacking but I was pretty busy the most upset by that lose into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess.

I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I was pretty into the mess. I That would happen really funny business. No kids are any you're doing it in a friendly way people of people of age and all with their yellow t-shirts Nothing wrong with having a uniform. Yeah, it could be quite well while country actually for you

Everyone wearing yellow instead of everyone. Oh, yeah, I like that. Yeah I Will watch your model country and Yeah. I, um, we were watching a model our country. And, uh, you're new wives? Yeah, new wives. And it keeps going one way or the other, doesn't it? And, uh, and I went in, at the end of one episode, I went in for a joke dressed all in gold

and my red clothes out and came back towards the next episode all in red. It'd been like very pro, the Colton. It was just before they turned. And it was like, oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, actually drawn a little picture. I like it. I get it. So it's the foot of the bed and his clothes just lying. So the actual beef is my boyfriend takes his clothes off to get to go to bed and just leave someone. The leaves are on the floor. But the drawing suggests that he leaves them on the floor. In a pattern. In like he's laid them out like a Neil Buchanan would a big art attack. So it's like, that's a religion I can get on by.

Yeah. So there's the trousers, you know, a laid out on the floor, not in a crumpled heap, they're laid out like in in full, and then above the trousers, the top in full as well. So he's done that. Yeah. Is that so he's just disappeared? In thinner.

Is that, I mean, is it a problem? Does it say she doesn't pick him up? Yeah, so she has to put until I put them in the water. Okay, that's the problem. So they all pile up on the floor. That's the problem. He evaporates every single night onto the floor and she has to put them away.

Yeah. Well, this is an open and closed shut beef case, isn't it? Absolutely. He's totally in the right place. Be solved. Be from the starting at your beef! Be solved. James, have you got a flat-share-based beef that you would like fans sure stand into solve? I have. Okay, let's hear it. And, uh, I... That's you, right? Wait, hold on.

I'm gonna leave. He's gonna leave in a second. Can we... Can we get to hear it first? Yeah, we'll hear the B first. We'll chat about it. Then Tom's gonna leave because he needs the Lou and Fan Shaw is coming. He needs the Lou, yeah.

Okay, what kind of... Okay, so the thing is, I may have misunderstood this bit. That's okay. And I thought, I clearly misread your text Matthew. Yeah. And I read theread your text Matthew. Yeah. And I read the text of saying, have a question for Perry. Now that's maybe not what you write. You probably wrote something else,

Fancho, and I misread it and thought it said, but I just said for Perry to something. But I have thought about Tom's expertise in this question. You know what I'm talking about? I tried to draw from his expertise, but clearly, yeah, for something else, it's good. We can hear Perry's... Let's hear the question. Let's rest Fanshaw for a week and hear...

Okay. So I... I... I used to start a religion. I started a religion, that I wanted to talk all the while. And the squirrel, if I may. No. So I used to live with three wonderful people who were really into fancy dress parties. They were regular. Regular, regular, big fancy dress parties. Yes. And I always felt like I was a bit of a let down. I just felt like I didn't really pull my way. I didn't, my fancy, like my costume wasn't as good as theirs. And also like, before

I lived there, there's a guy named John who lived there And I know we're not doing like four names, but his name was John Leslie and I think that's funny But he's also a lovely man But there were photos all around the flat of the four of them together at the old fancy dress parties and he really Pulled out all the stops. You get a lot of pressure there. They were all amazing costumes. And I always felt like, you know, I've been like, making my excuses. What's your approach for Fats just by?

So one that I remember that we, it was the theme, because they've done so many, that the themes got more and more kind of like, you know, obscure and stuff. And once the theme was the beautiful and the damned was the theme. This sounds like a parry party already.

Right. Sounds like one of your plays. I don't know. That's really good. Yeah, it sounds like a parry party already. Right. Sounds like one of your plays. That's really good. Yeah, it could be a parry play at the end. It was everywhere to re-populate civilization. There was a box of sand. Yeah, yeah. And so I went to that as the kid in American beauty who's filming the plastic bag all the

times. It's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. I thought that would be a good way of doing an easy costume. So I had the, you know, the beanie hat, white t-shirt, a camcorder and a plastic bag that I kept throwing around the room and filming the plastic bag, which gave me a fun bit of business to do. I'm looking at a great, but then when we were at our photo together at the end, the three of them looked better and I was like, a guy in a t-shirt.

Yeah. I felt like I, you know like I wasn't as good. I think if you'd attached the plastic back to the end of the camcorder. Yeah, exactly. I think I was always filming there. I was always out in front of you. So I was throwing it around the room,

but I should have had it always filming there. That's much better. Exactly. I think what you want is a costume that is constantly on the go, right? So if there is something happening on the costume, it needs to be always happening. It shouldn't require you to go. Oh, and by the way, watch this, frump, you know?

Yeah. So like, when I built a Ghostbusters backpack for my wife, it was like, it was always flashing light. It was really good. Yeah, yeah. So the lights were always flashing. It wasn't like turning on, here we go. It's like, it was always on the go. And I think it's a little bit of sort of wire, like that's what it would have needed.

A little bit of coat hanger with the bag hanging off on a bit of a... But it was a great idea. Yeah, I was going to say from the theme, that's really strong. What it feels like is you're an ideas man, not an execution. Okay, yeah, yeah. So it feels like your ideas are going to be strong, but you might need to get a bit of... To workshop them. Look at the design of it.

Scale it up. Yeah. Always go for size with your ideas. Make it big. What would you have gone for if it was the beautiful and the damned and you were attending that party? That's a very good question. That's a great question.

I think in my head I'm thinking you want to go half and half. Yes. All right, all right. So you need to go for like a split. Do the whole thing. I mean Churchill and Hitler I was beautiful in Churchill church was beautiful It's got a very strange. I mean actually good an evil in later years

I can see you turning into Churchill. Thank you. Oh, yeah, I can see that. I could see the champagne for breakfast Oh, yeah, the cigars being pushed around in a wheelchair. I even deliberately do that. I heard Clarky did the joke. I didn't do the joke. You just went for a wince for a joke. I just meant it genuinely like, oh, yes, you definitely see you're up in the brandy. But then I realised that that's what it sounded like and that's the joke you were doing. I thought, have I just like subconsciously done that? That's quite scary actually. You're that advertising. Yeah, subconsciously. No, two jokes. And that's susceptible to advertising.

So I hear the word advertising, just go, hey, the word church on the, immediately. Oh, that's quite scary. Have you had a housewarming party yet? No, I haven't. What I think you're, I think the solution to your beef is you've got to throw a housewarming party.

Yes. You've got a fancy dress it. Yes. Big, strong theme and then you've got to have the best costume. Yes. And make sure the three of them are there and get that photo. Yeah. Yeah. Get the photo of the three of them and be like, I did it. That's the way to do it. What is the theme of your housewarming? Say by the bell. That's too specific. You can be wearing a t-shirt. You're going to essentially recycle the same costume. The theme is the magic.

The kid from a bear can be the girl's the carrier bag. Home. Home is a good one. For a housewarming. Toes at the heartstrings. You know I would go, I mean this is slightly triumphant on your thing, but I'd go as David Burn with the lamp. Very nice.

You know, from, from, from, uh, stop making sense when he does, he does, he does, he does dance as naivety. Naive melody. I think home is a good theme. Home is a good theme. Because it's, you can take it whatever way you want to. Yeah. Yeah. A few of you know, you can go through it. You can go, you can go from overhampton if you're from overhampton, someone

could be thinking about a giant pigeon home, home under the hammer. Yeah, there's a lot of that. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant, yeah, a giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart. A giant heart is it? You can tell me yes. You can tell me when we get to the end of the podcast. Obviously. The theme could be home, guys.

What I like, it's always great to have someone on the show who doesn't listen to previous episodes, but it doesn't even listen to the episode. They're all there. They're all there. No, no, no. He's all there. He's all there. He's all episode, they're all there. Hold it here. It doesn't understand the concept of this bit. Tom, do you want to go and apologise to Fan Shore? Yes, he understands it. It's a tie to get up very often.

He's gone home. Thank you so much for your time, James. Thank you so much for coming, guys. On my podcast. He's taking over. This is how he does it. I guess we have to host off menu now. Thomas Simpson.

Welcome to Home Apart. It's been lovely having you on the show. See you soon. Here from the starting of your Beasts. All right, well there we go. What an episode. It was a very fun episode. I think we can agree that we didn't really solve any beefs.

That was the best thing about it I thought. Yeah, just basically split up with your partner, that's it. That's always good. Yeah, if you've got a partner, break up with them. Some very open and open, open beef cases. Yeah. And do use the hashtag guys, open and open, open beef cases. Yeah, that's right.

Well, what have we got to tell you? We've got some live gigs coming up. We have got some live gigs coming up. Oh yeah. We are going to be at the end of the road festival in just a few days time, the 30th of August. So get yourself down there. If you're already coming to the festival,

we're going to be on midday, doing a flat-shell slam down live. We would love you to be there. What a lineup that festival has. It's really strong. It's gonna be a really good music festival. Absolutely. And also we're at the London Podcast Festival

on the 8th of September at 7pm. Yes, that's really very good. Also, if you would like to contribute to two beef brothers' cold cuts. Great. This is key. We would love to hear more flat share based beefs from you. We've got, we've had a few via email.

We get a few at our live nights, but we love it when you email us in. It's beefbrotherspodcastatgmail.com. Do email us in. Yes. And I guarantee if you email us in, we will read that email. That's the end of the guarantee email. That's like guarantee. I will definitely, I will read it.

And that's it. That's as much as I can guarantee. Clark, you know, I keep in stung here because we can guarantee nothing. And also, if you are enjoying our podcast, please support us on Patreon. We cannot do it without the support of our Patreon neighbours. So please join, and if you listen at the end of the episode we'll be giving a shout out on the Patreon neighbourhood watch roll call Also if you'd like to leave us a review five stars on iTunes will make our day. Oh yeah

I think that's fair to say this is from a fan of repetition who writes truly inspiring I think this is actually from the dehydrate episode of House Meeting. Oh baby. He says, I listen for the always entertaining buffoonery, lovely tone of phrase, but I've never felt moved to review until today's episode. Gosh. Here we go. I was simply blown away by the bravery of the topics discussed so openly. Real issues many of us face every day being given the exposure they so badly need hashtag stay hydrated. Thank you so much a fan of repetition. We love you very much if you'd like to leave a review go to iTunes five stars or to do it. This episode was produced famously famously produced by Emma Corsham. Corsham team. And please stay tuned for the Patreon neighborhood watch roll call.

Cheers everyone. Bye. Please be upstanding for the Patreon neighborhood watch roll call. He's lost in a forest. it's Robert Tobias Norris. He will enchant Bruno Vincent. She, well, what can I say about her? She will, she's losing her marbles. It's Laura Sharples. He, uh, is always acceptable.

He's always set back. Jesus Christ. He's, he is susceptible to bribery. That's right. He'll take a bung. It's John Young. As the manic street preachers famously carved onto their bodies, we are not fake or words to that effect.

And who was watching? He was Ray Blake. He's, he's done some yoga, so his joints are feeling very loo-wist. Lucky set of fucking breakdown. Oh my god, can we apologize to John Lewis? I'm sorry. John, we're so sorry, man. Never know if we're under-solved until today.

You've been totally under-solved there, mate. Huge fatty-ish-hop. I'm so sorry know. You've been totally under-soul there mate. Huge, fatty-ish-up. I'm so sorry. Great Christmas adverts, but we've done an absolute shock. That's by the way our pitch for the next Christmas advert. Yeah. It's clarky, sweating, red-faced, going cross-eyed. John, if you're interested, get in touch mate.

Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. touchbait. you