Pappy's Flatshare - Beef Brothers Cold Cuts w/ James McNicholas S11E38

Episode Date: September 20, 2021

The Beef Brothers are here to sort out your beef with special guest James McNicholasJames McNicholas - https://twitter.com/jamesmcnicholasPappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetIf you have a flatshare based beef you'd like us to solve then send it to [e-mail] us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareProduced by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman plotting her course to free to pat in love for. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Poor things. It's like theaters for December 15th.

Greetings, listener dear, I'm Tom. I'm Ben. I'm Matthew and welcome to another exciting episode of Papi's Flat Share Beef Bros Cold Cuts. Slutcher slam down. Cold cut us. Yeah, okay. LAUGHTER

Always good to know that you stopped listening to me this early in the podcast. LAUGHTER You've got to... Okay, we've got a tremendous guest this week. James McNicolas, um's asked blog. He is a famous Arsenal podcaster. He's also a member of the sketch group Beasts. He's gonna blog. He's gonna blog that's right.

He's gonna blog. He's gonna blog. He's gonna blog. He's gonna blog. We've got a very wonderful guest. He's a vlog. Yeah, he's gonna vlog. We've got a very wonderful guest here, so shall I sell. That's what he calls himself online. So don't forget to subscribe to J. Zonik. He does something with us in the title, ask cast or some shit, I don't know.

But anyway, one of the things that surprised me about James is like I knew him from the, so obviously as we that surprised me about James is like, I knew him from, obviously, as we all do with the sketch group beasts, but I was hanging out with him one day, and my friend who was in the group came over, like, went white, and was like, oh my God, you know, gunner blog. And you said, no, I know ask a lot. I know ask a lot. I know, I know. And he could barely talk to him him because as an Arsenal fan, this is like talking to a huge celebrity. So it's like in the football world,

he has kind of this kind of prolific following. Well, greetings to all our football fan listeners for real treats. Don't know how we'll be discussing the whole a venger out thing later on. Don't you think we get to it? We get to it. Hold your horses, signing back fans.

The ultimate beef. The ultimate beef. The ultimate beef. The ultimate beef. Yes, so don't forget, if you enjoy James on the podcast and why wouldn't you, two things you can do. Number one, you can buy his book, The champ and the chump which is out now we give more details about that later on in the show and also you can join the Patreon and here a whole bonus beef with

James and the three of us over on our Patreon Patreon.com forward slash Pappy's flat share for four quid a month you get over 150 bonus episodes, including bonus beefs with a bunch of our guests. We're talking about May and Martin. We're talking about Kerry Godlamon. We're talking about Pierre Navelli. We're talking about Steve Bougier. We're talking about Alison Spittle.

So many fantastic guests that we've had recently have done bonus beefs with us. They're over on the Patreon now. That's a pound a week. Oh my God, you know what? Less than that in a long month. So you guys have stepped up April, June and November, but let's not get into that now. Yeah. Beef Brothers cold cuts with James McNickolas. Sorry. I did forget you did say before the

podcast, we're all gonna show it say why And we left you hanging on that mate. I could only apologize and Second time's a job. Let's do it. We go Right let's get cracking I'm calling a bee if you've got a bee, bee, maybe we can help you be from the zoning at your bee. One cut. Right, let's get cracking. Sorry. You said you were new catchphrase. Does it always start like that?

I'm sorry, I was like, is that our new, I've been in my freak complex, is that what we do now? At the start we say, so let's get cracking. And I start to say something in crack, sorry, because I do, and then it's actually, I'm not gonna to lie to you, we're still working out the

kinks in the catchphrase. I can't see you're the merch. Let's get cracking. We're going to be a bit of a t-shirt, mugs. Let's get cracking on the front, sorry, can I just move on the mountain. Sorry, can I bring the printed over the top of it. So you can't really make that either. What's going on, Clark? Can you hear my neighbors jettin' in the courtyard?

Is what I was gonna say? Do I need to close my window? We can't hear them, but... Not because they really loudly interrupt to do what you were saying. That's what I just wanted to make sure. Could you hear them? Are they putting you off? I could hear them, but I quite like it,

because if I get bored by what you guys are saying. You've got another podcast going on. Yeah, that's right. You've got caught cast going on. Yeah. Does anyone do that as a podcast where they eavesdrop on other people? That's illegal.

They're not illegal, Tom. Yeah. I mean, Pears Morgan did it, but not as a podcast. I'm thinking it's like the lives of others, the conversation. It's the lives of others. It's illegal. I get to get it in the starsy, I guess you were the law worker. Yeah, fair enough.

Can we not become like the podcast? That's what it be called the podcast Starzy and it's like weaves drop on a different house every week This week it could be you like like What like a reverse global box. Yeah, like a very bright then Google box if you give it a game show element Like you know when when Nol's house party kind of he jumped in free Of course, yeah, what's an illegal? So when when Nol's house party kind of he jumped in free, you did it. TV, of course. Yeah. It wasn't illegal, was it?

It was like a nice surprise element to do. No, but I'm sure they had permission from somebody at that house. They had a man on the inside. And I always had a man on the inside. They had inside Nol. Yeah. So, so how would it, how would it work, though, Parry? So the idea is, and so we just, we'd film

what people are doing in their house of an evening with Buggahouse, right? And by the way, Buggahouse is a very different podcast. I'm also working on it. And he was, I'm working out. It's you and Hugh Laurie, isn't it? It's you and Hugh Laurie isn't it? It's you and Hugh Laurie on a date?

Listen, Hugh is only tenuously attached, so let's not do the deal here, okay? That's what I heard. I heard he was tenuously attached by the end of the night. So it's a prequally, don't use the word, use the word, use the word before. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, yeah. So listen, okay. Let's get cracking. Let's get cracking, guys.

You record the inside of somebody's house and then like what? Because think about what the noise is coming from inside your house of an evening would be. Quite a lot of it would be you watching the telly, talking about that kind of stuff, chatting over dinner, talking about your day. Where's the meat of it? Well, that's what I, that's my question to McNickless. Yeah, if we'd bug, if we'd bugged your house, if you were this week's guest on Burger House,

I'm working title. But you know, what rooms are bug, are you bugging? Good question, but that's the right one. The bedroom's bugs on Patreon, I guess. The bedroom's a toilet. You've got to sign up for that exclusive content. The shit cast, yeah. $20 for the bargain. Yeah.

God, that's a great idea. So I'm saying, if you're a guest on burger highs, right? Yeah. What's the, what, what's, what would be the stuff that makes the highlights that comes out of your flat? You're a... I've tried to think, I mean, probably there'd be a lot of me talking to myself.

I talked to myself a lot in the house. Talking to the dog. Like she's a human. I was recording another podcast the other day and the dog was barking the other room and I said, sorry, I just got a deal with that. Left the door open and went out the room. Someone alerted to me the fact that later on

that the guy put out the podcast and you could hear me in the background explaining to my dog that I was on a podcast. I'd be like, sorry, I'm actually trying to do a podcast in a moment, can you keep it down? Which is sort of, you know, light-hearted and whimsical in the moment, but when it's recorded and played out for other people, just seems like I'm a psychopath or a lunatic. Did it work? Did the dog understand that you did the dogs say fair enough? Yeah, of course. Lucky the dog didn't speak back. If that had made air, you know,

I'd be inundated with calls from the media. I was imagining you'd go through. The dog's got headphones and a sat in front of a mic doing their own podcast. Well, actually your podcast is bothering my podcast. My podcast. My podcast. Yeah. My podcast is never very nice. Yeah, so has has has talking to the dog replace talking to yourself. Is that one of the benefits of having a dog do you think? Yeah, I think it's sort of marginally less troubling. I mean,

I can't stress this enough. I'm not recording my own house, so I can't be absolutely clear. If one of you guys is, you'll know better than me, but I think that I'm too much of a job. You're all the tape, here we go. Okay. I was gonna say though, I think the, generally when I talk to myself, it's largely to tell myself off. Yeah. For things, for something bad, I've just done all,

or you know, I am the exact opposite. You're basically commentating on yourself, something bad I've just done or you know I am the exact opposite You're basically commentating on yourself like you're like you're scoring the winner for English right? My house was bugged you'd hear a lot of oh you absolutely nailed that parry Oh really I'm like that that was a great bath That was the perfect temperature bath nailed it smashed it He smashed the bath. He has a spore in his head. He has a spore in his head. He has a spore in his head.

He has a spore in his head. He has a spore in his head. He has a spore in his head. He has a spore in his head. He has a spore in his head. He has a spore in his head. He has a spore in his head. He has a spore in his head.

He has a spore in his head. He has a spore in his head. He has a spore in his head. He has a spore in his head. He has a spore in his head. He has a spore in his head. He has a spore in his head. He has a spore in his head. He has a spore in his head. He has a spore in his head. and he literally nailed it. So you walk around telling yourself after, you boys? Yeah. I do, yeah.

Oh, why you've done that for a lot of that? Why have you done that? If I was to have a catchphrase on, what's this podcast called again? Poghouse. Poghouse, yeah. Why have you done that? That would be it.

That would be my impression. Yeah. I realised ages ago, my brother, when he's like disappointed in me, kind of goes, oh Ben, and I started doing that to myself. I was gonna say your mom as well, that, that, oh Ben. Oh Ben, yeah, yeah, that's too much. That's kind of been there a lot, hasn't it, really? It's almost like a sort of Clarky family catchphrase, isn't it?

It really brings the rest of his family together actually. It. I'd say it's my harmonized. I'd say it's my harmonized. I'd say it's my harmonized. After Christmas dinner, they all stand around in the living room and just chastise the air. A rising chorus of OBE.

How has Ben let us down this year? Let's go right in the room shall we? I feel like it's the only time my brothers get on it when they're kind of united in being annoyed with me. It's quite nice that you've replaced that though and you're sort of doing it yourself. I guess in lockdown it was an necessity right? Well that's it yeah and I guess I guess part of me feels like you need it You need it a little bit just you know come on now

You're left to phone in the fridge mate. Yeah, I mean if you don't get it Clarky then you become parry Is that what you're saying? If you don't have a voice in your head saying we don't do that What did you did you leave your your phone in the fridge? No, I didn't actually know. But I do leave it in a variety of strange places. I'll be like, amazing, look where you left it. That was great. Sensational hiding place.

What journey we've had to retrieve. What? Narratively that was super, Pariwell, but. LAUGHTER Cosby, do you talk to your cat? Oh yes. As the baby replaced, I guess now, that you're, you're, you're,

you're more a child situation where they understand what you're saying to them, I guess. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. My child doesn't understand what I'm saying to them. And also cats, like cats aren't great for, because like, I've read no- That's great, this cat. They're not great listens to the tool,, I've read no- That's great, let's catch. They're not great listens to the tool,

because I've read enough to where cats know their name. You know, like dogs are very good at knowing their name and you can call them back. Cats know their name, but choose to ignore it. Pretty good. So like they will, if I'm shouting Cosmo, Cosmo, she'll know I'm shouting Cosmo, but she'll think, no, you know what,

I'm happy sitting under this bush. He's only gonna tell me about the things he's done wrong today. I can't hear that again, fuck me. I'm gonna tell you my brother he's fucking phone is. In fact, I do, but I'm not gonna tell. It's under this bush. Cosmo, I've agreed to do another podcast with Perry and Clark. It's called Burger House.

Fuck me, I'm off. I'm off to the neighbours, you'll see me in four days or some shit. What? Shall we crack on? Shall we crack on with some beef? I think we've talked, let's get cracking famously. We'll just get cracking, isn't it?

Let's just stop and check. Yeah, yeah, sure. When we were recording when I said, let's get cracking. We were. If we weren't, then I mean, we're recording when I said let's get cracking. We were. If we weren't, then I mean, we're just going to be melting out. It's going to be absolutely mad. Do you want to? Do you want to?

Do you want to? Yeah, should we get from the top? Let's get re-cracking. Well, let's start off with a beef. Tom, this actually fits in with what you've been talking about. Do you want to do your beef from a listener? Happy to. This is Dog Plate Beef from Joe via beefbrotherspodcast at gmail.com. Dear Pappies and esteemed guests, that's you James McLeod, it's a steam.

Very kind. Have you been esteemed before, do you think? No, but I'm an author now, aren't I? That's true. That's true. That's very true. Yeah. Who had 16 minutes before the book plug? That's so book plug. Sorry, yeah. Sorry, I had 10 minutes, but that was for the other... That was for the other... That was for the rest of the house. You must find it hard to not tell everyone you meet that you're an author now, right?

Yeah, I've got a badge. I've got a badge. That way at all times. No, I just had the insolveness to give up their seat for you on the tube. The driver, actually. Which is dangerous. No, although I crudely bought it up then, it's only because I was desperately trying to think of any other instance which I might have been considered esteemed and I don't think they possibly can be one.

So that's a first. Thank you very much. Do you listen? You're absolutely welcome. For ages I have dreamt of sending you a beef, but my wife, son and I, have a relatively harmonious living arrangement, and until yesterday I couldn't find anything that felt especially beef worthy. He's chomping at the bit.

To have a beef. Imagine then, my delight when this happened. A friend of ours had brought her sun round for a garden chat. The kids played together, we knattered, it was very pleasant. Also in attendance was their schnauzer Rocky. And when I made drinks for everyone, I bought Rocky a plate of water. A high-sided child's plate, not the wedding-china. After they had gone, I popped the plate next to the sink to be washed up later. I was outside taking laundry in, when my wife appeared at the door asking, is the orange plate I've just put in with the rest of the washing up the one the dogs just

been drinking off? It was. She then got annoyed with me for not keeping it separate for, I'm not sure, a different kind of washing up. So, puppies and esteemed guests, Slash author, please help me out. Am I in the wrong here? Thanks for the year of laughs. Years of laughs, sorry. Cheers! I've been listening for 11 years. I've totted it up.

I've had about a few years worth of laughs at this. Not bad. Not bad, really. No, I'm... I'll take it. Cheers everyone, bye from Joe. That's an interesting beef on one that hasn't cropped up in our years. Oh, you know, years of laughter. I'm here of laughter.

But we kind of have a version of this where, so our dog, Belle Bell she's lovely dog, but she does piss in her bed fairly regularly. It's not because she is not how strange she is. She's just unbelievably lazy and in the mornings. She in the morning she'll just be like, I guess I could get up and alert people to the fact that I need the toilet, but rather than that, I'll just piss in this bed and continue to lie here in it until I'm disturbed. Can I ask you a very much the same with Clarky? Oh, Clarky. That was going to be my question. He would not be.

Oh, Ben. Oh, Ben. That's a sleep. But, let me just ask you a question. Yeah, go on. Quickly about this. Because how do you, how do you feel about this? Because with your hand and it's all damp. It's horrible. But how?

Are you happy of the lying even though when you wake up, you're going to have to clean up a load of piss? Or do you think, no, I'd soon get up at 5 a.m. And we tried that out the house. We tried that. We were like, we spoke to a dog trainer, they were like, you need to intercept. Yeah.

So we got up extremely early and did this for a period of time. But then inevitably we'd get her up, take her out, we'd go back to bed, we'd have another two hours sleep, she'd just do it again. I think she must love it, to be honest. Like, there's no other explanation. So, that's fine.

But the reason, yeah, I think the issue is, she's got like, there's two beds in this room now. She's got like four beds on her rotation, like one's constantly in the washing machine. But, the question we always have is, when we put it in the washing machine, which is, as I say, five days out of seven, first thing in the morning, is it acceptable to put other clothes in the washing machine with the piss bed?

The piss bed. Yeah. I don't know if you have this with babies, is that a conundrum you face? I guess so. Yeah, yeah. We're occasionally getting kind of wet sheets and stuff. But I think in most instances, we just put that in as its own wash. Yeah, yeah. So do we, but it feels, it feels like you could always dig it, but what else would you be happy putting in there? Because there's, you know what, yeah. They're far from the face, they're gonna smell anyway.

Yeah. Why don't you take those? Surely, Pat. Hello to Jim So Yeah. One, it's like, I was... Surely pants. Hello to Jim Soxin. Oh, no, no, no. Harry says, surely pants. Not your best pants, though, no. You're not gonna put in pants.

Pants, you need pants. Pants need to be clean. But your pants rub against your balls when you're tropical, though. Yeah, exactly. So you don't want them to be covered in dog piss. Oh, what Harry's saying is... What happens in his pants? So yeah, so you don't want them to be sold in dog piss What are you saying is he brings what happens in his pants is so appalling

It may as well. It's totally it's so bad They must have been pre-soiled by my dog I think you've got a trust the wash right that's this it all It all ends up in the sea, that's what you've got to think. Yeah, and it's the same with the dishwasher, I guess. I got ostracized from a stag doo once for shitting in the sit. Yes. And it turned the stag doo on its head against me, and I've never experienced it before. Can I ask a question?

How did you get found out? I said, oh, you did it from the paper. I did a picture. We were all in the sea. It was a helicopter ride. That's a good thing. I did it. We were all in the sea.

And I swam off a little bit and said, oh, you lads, look at this. And then did loads of shit. And they all ran out. And the water, like it was yours. And I was like, a bit of fun and then I came out and see and I wanted to talk to me for a couple of hours and it had really, really changed the mood of the stag. I think it's changed the mood of this podcast.

I tried to talk about it, gigs, but it turned the audience against me and told me. I don't know what point you're going to realise that that behaviour was unacceptable. No, what's the deal about it? But your arching point is the same. Go on James, say it with me. Well, it all ends up in the sea, it all ends up in the sea. That's the point of my Edinburgh at the end, that's where I bring it around to say, in all ends up in the sea,

and then cue the music, and I kind of walked through the audience, and everyone kind of slowly kind of gets up and a standing ovation happens or something, because suddenly everyone realizes it does all end up in the sea. I think you're in turn on monologue, it's gradually doing your dirty here, Paris. I think it's about proximity in that case.

Yeah, we're comfortable with the idea. It all ends up in the sea. We just don't want it to sort of bob up next to us in the sea. Yeah. So sewage plants exist, don't they? Isn't there a process of like treating, I suppose not treating the sewage?

Clarkie for a minute, they're doubting the existence of sewage plants. Just a slight wobble on it. He said I'm rumour. I've not imagined these, am I? I've not been to a garden centre recently, but there's a thing called sewage plants. A bit like a Venus fly tram.

You shit into the net it gets with your sewage. Is that one? No, I think Tom, I think, you're actually right, it does all end up in the sea, but I think, and again, James, that was about to make this point, there's a journey there, isn't there, and you want to be as far away from the journey as possible, right? You want to be at the very start of the journey, miles later at the end of the journey, it ends up in the sea. Okay, in the same way that you wouldn't, for example, you wouldn't be in the bath and think, well, I'll take a piss in the bath because I'm in the bath, because then you're in your own example, you wouldn't be in the bath and think, well, I'll take a piss in the bath because I'm in the bath.

Because then you're in your own room. You clearly haven't been booking my house. Listen back to the tape, brother. You nailed that bath, Parry. You absolutely nailed it. You're right, Sam, I'm just kidding. When it was by the end. That's something with the perfect back. You think I was referring to you guys?

Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh. I know I talked to him, he's saying end of podcast, anyone, but I actually agree with you. End of podcast. Yeah. That was the worst. I think it's important to remember, though,

that I would say a piss bed is worse than a water plate. A lot worse. So in terms of the wash, I think you're right to be a bit hesitant putting other things in with the piss bed. I think personally a lick plate, you're fine. The dog's not been washing his fucking balls in it, as he, but he has probably been licking his balls. Yes.

Yeah. So there is that, he's licked his balls and then he's licked. Yeah, but it's slightly further away from the journey, isn't it? Yeah, distance from the journey. You have to really clean something. What would you trust a washing machine or a dishwasher? A great question. Oh, that is a good question, actually.

What is the more powerful dishwasher, I think? I know that's mad because of the amount of pre-wash you have to do to stuff to get stuff really clean. But I think a medium-soiled plate, dishwasher every time. Well, it'll be carnage in a washing machine, build. That's where the question falls in on James. No, medium soil plates. You can pet a tidy medium soil t-shirt.

To do wash. Because let me tell you, I tried to do my dishes in a washing machine. I think you're wearing the dogs bed. I think you are right. I think dishwasher's got more of a hard man attitude because it deals with solid surfaces. Yeah. Yeah, that's like say.

The amount of times something comes out of a washing machine and it's like, oh, it's washed on stain now. Oh, Tom nailed that wash. The stays permanent, brilliant. It's all nice. It's all nice. Jane comes in and goes, Tom, why are you shitting into the washing machine? It's all white noise. It's all white noise. It's all white noise. It's all white noise. It's all white noise.

It's all white noise. It's all white noise. It's all white noise. It's all white noise. It's all white noise. It's all white noise. It's all white noise. It's all white noise.

It's all white noise. It's all white noise. It's all white noise. It's all white noise. It's all white noise. It's all white noise. It's all white noise. It's all white noise.

It's all white noise. It's all white noise. It's all white noise. It's all white noise. It's all white noise. It's all white noise. It's all white noise. I think it's got a hard band attitude. If you ever accidentally open a dishwasher slightly before it's over. Yeah, oh yeah, exciting. It's fucking madness in there. It's chaos in there, yeah. It's the paint. The water, yeah.

It's like when you're doing your roast potatoes or something and you get that like bush, wall of heat come out, similar. But do you think if you're allowed to open your washing machine before it finished, you would be just as impressed with the actual seal duct? I can't be impressed, but I do. I've, the temperature is much higher in the, in the dishwasher in that, because an eco wash on my dishwasher is 50 degrees.

Oh. And I wash most, almost everything on 30 degrees in the washing machine. Yeah, so there's power to a dishwasher, isn't there? There's power and there's... The normal washer's like 80 degrees or some match it like that. You can cook food in a dishwasher, can't you? Hang on, hold on.

Well, I sous-v kind of style. Well, I don't know who sous-v is, but... You're not running a cookbook, are you? Yes, yes. Was she off the bank off, I don't know. I didn't stop watching, it's easy to not ready to go, but... Yes, yeah. Was she off the makeup? I don't know. I didn't, I've stopped watching this, it's a middle channel for. But, um, but, um, but, um,

but, like, I've seen on, like, I mean, admittedly, I've seen this on, like, those kind of shows. Cooking in prison. Yeah, it's a bit like that, both like, you know, these people, look at these mad red necks and their mad redneck lifestyle

on, on TLC channel, that kind of thing. But there are people who like make a lasagne, like wrap it in tons and tons of foil, so it's sort of sealed, stick it in the dishwasher with their plates and it cooks it. So it's that's, in the same way that you people can heat up food with their car. I think you can boil an egg in there. Oh, you could come to be boil an egg in there, although it would probably be, I mean, you have to work out some sort of contraption that could contain it It feels like something they sell on QVC, isn't it? And it comes a good one actually. Yeah, you know, now I think about it, Clarky The egg I've already exists so what we're saying is really in a kitchen

You could do away with your you might be able to do with your oven And your washing machine and just go pure dishwasher. If you're doing. He's got a really good dishwasher. I've got a dishwasher only flat. Yeah, I've got, I've so committed to the dishwasher only. I've got three dishwashers. It's got to be a fortune. It's more expensive than if I was running an oven.

LAUGHTER And I think we've... Well, are we able to solve this now? Nice and quick, mate. I think he's like... The paper plate was totally fine going in with the rest of the stuff I'd say. I'd say so. I'll say one thing. We will occasionally...

Because also, I'm presuming we're talking about, this is in the city, this is not a dishwasher we're talking about, we're talking about in the sink, aren't we? Yes. So, to wash it up in the sink, I forgot people live like that. Yeah, now an author. I popped the world away.

I popped the plate next to the sink, we washed up later. Yeah. Is the orange plate I've just put in with the rest of the washing up, the one the dog's been drinking off. Drinking off, it was. That's what we're getting here from that, right?

So the only bit where I think she could have beef is if he'd left the water in. Yeah. If the dog had drank all the water or if he's dispensed of the water, not a probs. Chuck the water in the guy. I think next to the sink, I think that's absolutely fine. But if there's still water in it and you've dumped that water into the sink, then it's like dog drink water.

But I don't know how to express it. I think we live in a world where, to maintain our sanity, we have to trust washing up. Right? Because if you think about when you go to a restaurant, to maintain our sanity, we have to trust washing up, right? Because if you think about when you go to a restaurant, how many times has that fork been in somebody else's gob? You just have to not think about it and trust that washing up is works, right? So I feel like stick it in with everything,

wash it up with everything, totally fine. If you're using, you know, like if it's all sat there in the sink for ages, stewing, that's a problem. But if you put, you know, the, if you put it in a nice hot water, bit of any cover, you're great. You're sung Happy Birthday. Exactly. Exactly.

Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. I've heard of these that a lot was we live by. Our trusting cutlery is insane, isn't it? It's a mad that we do. Yeah. Or just carry our own in like little holsters on our body.

And. We're just specified where the holster was gonna be as opposed to a floating holster above our heads Do you not think it's more when you go in like a pret and the forks are facing up Yeah, like to everyone grab one you got a touch six of them. Yeah, everyone's gonna touch all the prongs It's a few really rainbow absolutely grim though But um, but yeah, we we just don't think about it. You know?

It's like, it is mad, but you can't. The cutlery delusion, that'd be like a good title of a book, wouldn't it? Yeah, it's got sort of a black little bite. That's the authorised part of this. I'll get other publishers on their line. But yeah, the cutlery delusion, there's at least an essay in it. We can't start thinking about, if we, as soon as we're not trusting cutlery, our world's

will collapse as we know them. Yeah, I think that's right. I think you just have to, you just have to assume that washing up works. But then, you know, occasion you'll get, you'll be on the pub occasionally and you'll see there's like big thick lipstick on the pint glass. That's happened for, and you just go, oh, okay, drink from the other side. You know, you just turn it around, you have to,

otherwise your brain goes, oh yeah. Well, the lipsticks are blessing, because that tells you where the lips are big. It's the marker. If the previous drinker wasn't wearing lipstick, you're in big trouble. Yeah. And yet this is the time when they've basically banned straws as well. Although actually, this is what you should look like.

Why? We're awful for the planet so far. We're saying get three dishwashers. Yeah. Which is a great picture. We're in 50 degrees. And for the best, which is a great fish. And for the same springboard. That's been our message so far.

Yeah, but did you not hear me suggest that you use E cover washing up liquid? So it balances itself out. All right. That's true. I'm advocating raw sewage into the sea. Not just advocating it, you're providing it. This isn't how I'm best at how I'm on an eco front. But yeah, sure, dogs can lick the balls. Let's call it. Let's call it. We know this, darling.

Let's can lick the balls. Dogs can lick the balls. Dogs can lick the balls. Dogs can go in the sink. I didn't know that was the beef, but yeah, it's a lourd. I will say this though, right. And I hate to dip back in. I do think it is slightly if you do it different

if you're doing the washing up. And I think when you're doing the washing up, we've discussed this outlet before. But I think you have to have a bit of a system. And you do the things that are being need the most cleaning first. And then maybe empty out and do fresh water for the glasses or something, you might be a bit miffed if there's a dog ball in there.

Here's the thing though, Clark, I was thinking about this because I was thinking sometimes we wash Cosmo's bowl, we often put it in the dishwasher, but sometimes we wash Cosmo's bowls in the, and I always wash them last, I was making the last thing I wash in the washing up, right? But then I thought, well, what am I washing them with? The sponge. So it's just going to go on something else later on, isn't it? It's, you know, I just think you've got to put like, here's the thing, when it comes to washing, when it comes to everything, put it out your mind, guys. Put it out your mind, otherwise you're going to be, you're going to start, you know, you're going to start, you know, you're going to have another

dredge, you're starting to, you're starting to, you're almost floating towards you, like that. Exactly. You're gonna have another dritch at starts. You're starting to see germs floating towards you like that episode where Mr Burns grows his fingernails and you'll be constantly scratching yourself and you'll go insane. And you turn into a duck. Ironically. Beef solved. Beef solved. Beef from the starting like a beef solved. Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Here from the starting I can be! You saved!

Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes! Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman planting her coarse debris and pat in love for it. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Four things. It's like theaters December 15th. This is Sea Goldull Attack Defense.

It's a beef. From Rob. Great. Rob says, high gang and guest. No astute. No astute. Front names only, please. I've never heard a first name referred to as a front name.

Of you. This is where we have, this is very, very early on in the podcast, Perry described it as a front name, and it sort of stuck. So in order to sort of maintain a level of anonymity, we have our listeners as front names only. So it's front names only, that's, that's, yeah, that's, that's deep beef brothers lore. Okay, great.

So Rob says, this isn't a flat-based beef per se, but maybe you can still help. I was recently on a trip to Cornwall with a lady friend. When one night we decided to get fish and chips from some eyes, whilst sitting on a nearby wooden beam on the beach, it became a pattern. I'm better man, I'm correct. It became apparent that the sea goals were on the

prowl and taking an interest in what we were eating. Around six or seven of these aggressive bastards started to get very close and were clearly redding themselves for a full-on assault at the slightest mistake from us. Suddenly, they attacked. Sorry. Sorry. We took our eye off the ball, one went for my chips, and another two started to fight over a small tub

of mushy peas I had left between my feet. What? Wait, we can come back to that because... No, let's do that on that for a second now. Okay. We've already said the socks are far away from the problem, but if you're using it as your mushy peas receptacle, you can't put your socks in with the piss bed there, can you?

Is he on a bench or is he crouched on the floor? So he is, he's on a wooden beam on the beach. Right, okay, so, so, okay, that's different things. He's not squatted over his peas. I still think peas on the floor is weird. Yeah, but if you're on a beam, you're low to the ground, aren't you? So you can sit on your head or something. But the ground at the, the ground at the beach is not the ground, don't you? You can place it on your head or something. But the ground at the beach is not the ground elsewhere, is it?

If it's on the... I've been in the city. No, if you're on sand or on your pebbles, I think that's fine for most things, you know? He's not spooned them out onto the beach. No, no. He's in a tub. They're in a tub. I think that's all right, isn't it? And you're right. It's a low beam.

I think it's dippable, basically. Well, yeah, it's still in the reach. Well, if he's caught, yeah. So presumably he's got fish and chips in hand. Peas in between his feet, yeah. And we've all been there. And Rob says, in the ensuing chaos, I tried to protect our food as best I could

whilst holding onto my own food and hearing lies the beef. As two girls fought over the mushy peas, I used my foot to shoe them away and made contact with one of the beasts. The fight continued and I had to repeat the action before they would leave the pot alone and let us return to our dinner. The seagull in question continued to stare at the food from two feet away and showed no signs of injury.

I would feel terrible if I had actually injured another animal. My lady friend now insists I kicked a baby sea gul into a wall. There are pictures enclosed of said wall and baby sea gul from the scuffle. She tells friends about the incident and makes out I have a worse animal rights record than McDonald's. Was my behaviour justified? Or do I need to be sent away to the RSPB for sensitivity training yours Rob.

This is a hell of a one. This is a hell of a one. I mean I'm looking at these pictures now guys. If that's a baby seagull I don't want to see an adult. It's a big old bird. I sent you the photos, by the way. You do. You can have a look at the size, and it's a big old bird, isn't it?

Yeah, it is a baby, technically. Yeah, it's a juvenile, because it's got the older, it's all speckled and stuff and brown, rather than... Right, good. But they are still fucking massive. It's like an Asbo Seagull. Okay. Another great book.

Okay. Very interesting. What do you like to watch? There's no wall there. Come on. Okay. Yeah, I think as well, as soon as, right, I'm not condoning kicking birds. I'm absolutely not.

I think, I know what he's done here, because you do this sometimes when there's like, you know, a load of pigeons come towards you. If you step up and start walking towards them, the chances are they're going to disperse and scatter. That's what happens. Right. So I think he probably put a foot out into the Jones the last crusade style. Exactly, exactly right, yeah. So he put a foot out hope that the, hope that the bird would scatter accidentally caught it.

Didn't he do it twice? He says he has the problem. He did the action. And he does sound like he was describing a kick. The first time I would say you could him, you could be forgiven. If you made contact, you, immediately, like you said, you'd feel remorse, you would then go, well, I'm not doing that again.

Let's pick up these mushy peas, let's move them further down the beach, or better yet, let's just eat them while we're walking home. Right? Pop up between your knees and waddle down the beach. LAUGHTER Slowly move them further up the body, rest them on the crutch for a little while,

get them nice and warm, arm pit and then finally gobb. And then take up straight there, I dropped some coins in the bucket, see it? Oh yeah, that's the sort of thing you see on the roll. That's the kind of coin you're refliring. Yeah, I'm a must-you-peas guy, love him. I do, I know, so if you see in the bird kicker, I mean I'm dropping a couple of coins in the bird kicker.

That's right. So I'm going boot some baby bird against a wall for a fiveer. Going back to the olden days. Yeah, I think the second time is the problem, isn't it? Yeah. Well, he's the defense. Like, I think, first of all, I think he's been coy. He's describing kicking a bird.

But I will say, is it that bad a thing? Oh, the notorious animal lover, Ben Clark, says, is it bad to kick bird? There is already identified as a baby bird. The big question we're asking today on Killroy is, is it okay to kick baby birds? On the same hand we have Ben Claude Burley, on the other hand we have everyone else in the world. So Ben, you've just kicked me to the world against the wall. And it's a baby? Any, any younger, it will be an egg, Clarky. Is it alright to kick an egg against the wall?

Are you saying that sort of, you know, some animals and more equal another's? Are there animals that's acceptable to kick? I think that. Would you kick a rat? Okay, right fantastic. No, here we go. This is how we play.

We're playing what animal would clarky kick? Okay. So we're gonna, the idea is we have to pick animals that we think clarky would be fairly comfortable booting. And we're not the idea is we have to pick animals that we think Clark You would be fairly comfortable booting and we're not talking about you know We're not talking about like drop kick in here. We're talking about booting in order to get them away from him Let's say there is some mushy peas is defense Defense

Exactly right So James what you're gonna start with first? Well, I mean, I threw rats out there. I mean, I feel like it's almost too easy. I feel like Clark would kick her out. I'd kick her up. Yeah. In the right side.

I'm not chasing one down the street and putting the boot in. But in the very small convocts. But yeah. But isn't that true of most animals in self-defense? Is this self-defense? Well, it's not quite, is it? I don't think. I don't think they were underdefense? Well, that's, it's not quite, is it? I don't think, I don't think they were under attack.

Well, that's true, because if we say, a lot, a lot, if a lion's going for his mushy peas, he's probably gonna kick it, isn't he? You're right, this is not a lot of a science kick in the night. I think, yeah, I'd say, actually, at that point, as much as I love mushy peas. It would be, it would be audacious if the lion stopped for the mushy peas. And would like, imagine, you're very in mushy peas. It would be, it would be audacious if the lion stopped for the mushy peas. Imagine

you're there eating mushy peas, it's fucking lion attacks. Turns out it was only after the mushy peas. Yeah, we've always had an answer, Lope, and we've got ships of its own. This is better than the mushy peas. This is a little side. A little bit. Fucking first side for its gazelle. Why was a bit, that I'm like was a bit a bit dry. You've never got any curry sauce? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, like, I think, my wife once stabbed a girl with a fork. Oh yeah.

When it was a pigeon, it was a bird that made a swoop for her pasta salad, and she was holding it, and she kind of reed up in defense and pronged the bird. When you say she was holding it, you mean she grabbed the bird by the neck and pronged it three times. Three times in the chest.

Well, the thing is the forks were... They were... They were in a prison shower together, I should say. You're going to need a lot of washing up after that incident, let me tell you. My wife is very aggressive towards goals and any birds that make play for food. I personally feel a lot more philosophical about it and I think actually it's a little dance of nature here. This is the kind of thing we've kind of taken out of our day to day, you know, predators coming for the food thing we've kind of taken out of our day to day, you know, predators

coming for the food that we've got. That was our entire existence back in the day. That's the situation we're describing here. They arrived at a pack, they circled, then they made an aggressive advance to scare you off your kill to what happens in those nature documentaries. The bend, the bird kicker, is so fond of. It's a scavengers. That's scavenging.

Not something to just occur to me, which is that when I was performing with Urswile, esteemed sketch group beasts, we were once doing a show at Brighton Fringe that the heavily seagull populated Brighton. Of course, yeah. That had not sold any tickets. So in an attempt to rustle up interest, Kear on an eye tried to persuade Owen to take part in a stunt where we were going to attach fish and chips to his naked body

and make him run down Brighton Bay and ship received by sea golf. While we sort of, you know, fly it optimistically behind. And we really, really pushed this for like, I think we were there for a weekend. We bore apparatus. He wouldn't go for it in the end. He bottled it.

Oh my God. I mean, to be fair, that is a show that we better than any show you could put on. Yeah, that's the only thing. Yeah, you don't want the trailer to be better than the movie. That's the situation you get yourself in there. Oh my God, I'd love that. That's amazing.

I sort of release the Hounds type situation, except it's seagulls. They can be quite frightened, can't they? Well, this is it. They're big, they're big fuckers and they're cheeky and the only reason they do that is because people have invited them in. I don't ask this with patience, but are they vermin? Like, are they lumped in with like foxes? This I don't know. Because pigeons are often basically scribed as vermin,

aren't they? Yeah. I know one of the things, one of the many wonderful things that Boris Johnson did when he was mayor of London was get rid of all the pit, he hawked all the pigeons out of Trafalgar Square, didn't he? Do they do that? Is there a goal, Col?

Is there a hawking of the goals? Sounds quite grand when you put it that way, didn't they? Do they do that? Is there a goal, Carl? Is there a hawking of the goals? Sounds quite grand when you put it that way, doesn't it? No. I mean, go down the bright and snappier. Because if not, I've got a bloke who rub will go around kicking them, if necessary. LAUGHTER I think, you know, it's back to our kind of,

this was the way life used to be, do you know what I mean? I think it's to be encouraged, protecting your food in front of your... Oh, the hyenas are certainly. Right, right, right, right. So you pro-given it a bit of a... I'm certainly pro-gulls giving it a go for the food. And I think the goal would understand, basically.

I don't think the goal's gonna be shocked here. I think the goal... I think the goal... The goal knows, the goal's dancing the dance, you know what I mean. The goal's that guy going around the pub being a bit too much, looking for a bit of a scrap. So when he gets

a donk, he can't complain. Do you know what I mean? I feel like that's what's going on here. I actually think you're right Tom, yeah. I think the goal knows, and also, as an adolescent goal, he's got some stripes there. The goal's going to go away and go, yeah, yeah, I got kicked against a wall last night, yeah. You know, I'm going to come back stronger next time. It's fucking a good deal. You know, you know, you know, the dad's probably saying, what did you learn tonight? Stay away from the wall, what have I told you?

Stay in the open, you know, by the way. I feel like the goals know what they're doing. It's all part of their vibe. I don't think they're gonna mind it. I also think, you know, he's gonna learn pretty soon that chips is what you're after. If you've got a big mushy peas, you're getting nowhere with that. You're just getting mushy peas all over your beak.

But he's a kid, he's got to learn these things. So I do, I see that side of the argument. So are we saying basically, robbers in the right? I think we are. I think so, yeah. Okay, everybody thinks robbers in the right. So, so far we've said, only use dishwashers. Just shit in the sea, kiddie birds.

Well, we can't, we can't just say, we never said shit in the sea. You said, I have sat in the sea. That's very different. You've never seen my skin curaging our talk to yourself about how brilliant you were. Yeah, okay, so for balance, I think Rob is a monster and I think what needs to happen is we need to attach

fish and chips to Rob and have him run down the promenade being... Yeah, he could be kicked by punters who want to come and watch or attack by punters. This is originally why they were called punters, isn't it? Yeah, you're punting me to the ocean, exactly. Beef solved. Beef from the starting at your beef!

Beef solved! Right, this is from Andrew via beefbrotherspodcast at gmail.com, the very best way to get in touch with us if you have a beef. The deluxe root. We call it a deluxe root. Absolutely. to get in touch with us if you have a beef. The deluxe root. We can't wait. Here's the deluxe root, absolutely. Andrew writes, evening puppies. Evening?

No mention of the guest. Wow. What a real fourth from Grace here. Oh, really? Clearly not a reader. I was a steamed a mere two beefs ago. You're a steamed, then you would guess, then you would not even mention it. It's hardly fair, James. Eating patties. I'm getting in touch with you to help

me solve a beef that brewed over the last lockdown. Overlocked down I live with my two flatmates, Samantha and Christopher, who are engaged to be married. Congratulations to them. Tricky Tricky. One morning at 8am, I woke to a text message from Chris, a copy of which is attached for reference. Here's the text message. Okay. Andrew. Andrew, not a biggie. I'm going to give him that kind of voice because he's used to phrase not a biggie. Andrew, not a biggie, but would you mind not leaving food in the sinkhole as it blocks the sink when I wash up? I bought the sink strainer so it can catch food like this and it can easily be transferred to the bin rather than block the plug hole and go down the drain. Thanks. Oh man. That's bad isn't

it? A-A-N-A-M message like that. It clearly is a biggie as well Chris. I'm fairly festidious with cleaning and tidy and certainly not to the point of obsession or anything, but well above average, however, the worst global pandemic in over a century and being locked down in a two-bedroom flat with a couple who had to keep postponing their wedding led me to hit the bottle pretty hard. Why did I do something awful to the sink in my drunken stupor the night before?

I went into the kitchen to see what the fuss was about. There, in the plug hole, I found a single slice of mushroom. I clearly used the sink strainer as intended, bend the detritus, then rinsed it, missed a bit of mushroom that went into the plug hole, then went back to drinking wine and listening to a historic episode of Papi's Flash Air Slamdown. Thank you very much. He's really getting us on side here. So I'm not me. She has slammed down. Thank you very much. He's really getting us on side here. He's a very nice, curry-favor here.

So I'm not me. No, I'm not. I've got some way to go yet. James is going to give him an absolute ronely relaxed with a brilliant book. This is only way out. Then I thought, I was like, so I picked up the offending fungus, put it in the bin, problem solved.

Then I thought for a second about what just happened. In a period of time that we legally were not allowed to leave the flat, instead of mentioning it the next time we never saw each other that day, I've been sent a text message about my bad sync cleaning etiquette, and secondly, it was a problem that, without question, took 10 times longer to text me about than it would have taken just to chuck the mushroom in the bin, am I right to be annoyed about this turn of events? Or should I take the passive aggression, aggressive aggression on the chin and use it as a learning opportunity

not to leave slices of mushroom in the sink? Thanks guys, Andrew. Right. Oh boy. So, I'd kick him into a wall. LAUGHTER Smash a dull ball over his head, kicking into a wall. LAUGHTER Smash a dog ball over his head kicking into a wall. LAUGHTER

Yeah, it's um... I think this is the... This is the classic strain of a couple... Sink strain. It's a classic strain of the couple living with some of these knots in the couple. Go on, Parry. I mean, yeah, look... there's a lot going on. Mm.

It's a very, I will say this, it's a very one-sided story this beef. It's told very well from a master storyteller, but I think he's clearly loading it in his favor and I'd be fascinated to hear the other side. What do you suspect? I don't think that is the first mushroom in the sink. Right.

I really don't. I think that was what happened there. But the guy's bought a sink strainer. He's out to go and buy one. Right, what led him to that? What led him to buying that SIG strainer? And I will say this, food ran the sink is a problem, guys. Yeah.

That's green. I'm saying that, knowing my wife listens to this podcast, so it is a problem. I'm not even seeing. Ah! Do you think... just. So it is a problem. Do you think because this is what I thought I thought maybe his flat mate had cleaned the sink first. Maybe that's single slice was left over. Posed post a cleanup that he had to do because there's a blackout, right? There's a drunken stupor.

Where we don't know what went down that sink and what was left. Yeah, that's it, because he was like, oh no, what am I gonna find? Oh, actually it was fine. Well, maybe they're all in a clean up. If you were worried about what you're gonna find, maybe that's what you flat-mocked found.

It's suddenly not as black and white as it seems. Yeah. What we need now is for, who is it, Samantha and Christopher, or at the very least Christopher, to get back in touch and to tell us what kind of absolutely apocalyptic scene were you greeted by when you looked down that plug-hole?

I reckon it's the rest of the mushroom p-lo and probably half a non or some shit like that. He's just chucked the entirety of a sort of you know he's half finished his takeaway. He's chucked it into the sink and thought that's fine. I'll deal with that in the morning. Yeah, half of the less. Half of the less. Never the less. Never the less, guys.

Texting your flatmate in a pandemic, that is a passag move. Yeah, it surely is. It is, is it, is it, I think I prefer a text than a face to face though, personally. If you're worried about, if you're worried about tone, you've got a lot more time to work on your tone over a text, I don't think you've dumped it

you well at working on the tone, but you've got a lot more time to do it. And if you're worried about, or maybe you think text is quite breezy, that's why I said, I'm not a biggie, I'll just throw a fire out this text. It's got a breezy way to say, listen, it's kind of a problem,

but like, who, I give you shit really, I don't wanna have an argument with you about it, face to face, I want you to get defensive, I don't want me to get aggressive, let's just deal with it. And he's throwing it out there. I feel like. What this is is, this is a beef born in the heat of a lockdown with a engaged couple

of someone else. You know, you cannot take it out of that context. That is what is going on. It's like, you know, when Hitchcock talked about that thing of like people sat around a table talking about baseball, but you know there's a bomb under the table, it changes everything, and it's like, this might just be one text about a mushroom in a sink, but under that table, I have been living with you

fucking guys and you're talking about your fucking wedding all the fucking time, and there's a lot more going on isn't there? There's a lot more going on. Yeah, for real. I feel for the dude, I must admit, I feel for the dude, but I also feel for them. It's hard, it's hard. It's hard, I had a situation, I'm very anti throwing away food, I think food waste is bad. That's not the tone of this.

Get it in the fucking... There we are. Been it off the heat, come on. All ends up in the sea, mate. Fucking has been through many future days. I think it's been through many future days. But yeah, once I went to the bin, and this must have been during lockdown as well,

I went to the bin, opened up the bin, and I could see a mushroom just sitting like a perfectly good mushroom sitting on the top of the rubbish in the bin. And again, I'm not proud of myself, but it's turned out to be my wife when I went, why is there a mushroom in the bin? And she was like, I knew. I knew, I threw that mushroom away.

It was gonna be a problem. I should have hidden it under the other rubbish. I knew it, but it went on the floor and I was like, you could run it under the tap and I was like, why am I fucking arguing about this? But the reason I know this is a big sticking point for my wife was I then had to go when she was making field goods, which was making the last series of field goods.

I did a set visit and went and hung out on set and one of the first things that Joe, Joe Hampson, who's been on the podcast, lovely Joe Hampson, the writer, said to me was, don't worry, I've checked all the bins and it's clearly a story she's told other people to be like look how fucking that's my husband is that he throw away a Massicle mushroom and he comes in as a total shit fit about it so I I kind of I know what I sort of know what Christopher is going through here because you know It's a classic. It's not about the mushroom is it? The mushroom, it's never about the mushroom.

The mushroom is symbolic. The mushroom guy, end of podcast. You've been listening to Buggahouse. LAUGHTER Are we at a stalemate situation here with this thing? That does, but you like it. It's a two-sided story. If I'm in the court, the lie that I keep coming back to, if this was a movie, the lawyer

turned around and saying to the jury, he'd have to buy a sink strainer. No further questions, Your Honor. That to me, that feels like there's more, and so I'm actually, you know, with what we're given, I'm going with the other guys. Yeah, and again, my sticking point is him going, I was worried about what I was going to see, and then there was just one bit of mushroom,

and clearly I'd cleaned out the sink, I'd rinse the thing, and then I'd put it back, and left one little bit of mushroom, clearly I'd cleaned out the sink, I'd rinse the thing and then I'd put it back and left one little bit of mushroom and you'd like, no. You thought you were gonna see something bad, your housemate had to deal with it. Yeah. There's occasionally a time, there's like occasional times when you're drunk, when you go,

I'm gonna clean the kitchen, I'm gonna do a really good job, that occasionally happens, but most of the time when you're drunk you think, I'm gonna clean the kitchen. I'm gonna do a really good job. That occasionally happens, but most of the time when you're drunk, you think, I'm gonna fall asleep in my shoes. That's kind of what it really is. It's very rare that you go, actually I've actually been quite facidious in tidying up. So I think you're right.

So beef, I mean, like the way to solve the beef is, it has to be moved out and let these guys get married 100% it does doesn't it and I think I think I don't think we're saying anything that's um and actually don't go Don't go to the wedding Then I want you there mate. Yeah, don't go. You're gonna cause a scene at some point and you'll go, don't go. By the little jewelry box as a gift, isn't it? Just a little slice of mushroom. Peef solved. Peef from the Zoning A can be solved. So, the author, do you have a beef from your own home life?

Well, I've got quite a few actually. Do you have a beef from your own home life? I've got quite a few actually. But I am the subject, I am, I'd actually don't stand subjects, not just sort of a lap. I'm at full a lot of the time. Okay, in this piece. Well, is there anything that where you think you're not to blame? And you would like us to preview. I think I am to blame. Well, I think you all think I am to blame,

but I'll make my case. Okay, let's hear it. Right. It's not particularly nice, Lazin, it's a bit like Grotto. I think the conversation we've had so far, it seems fine. Fine.

So I have a habit where I sort of pick my fingernails, like that. I sort of tear them off. Nervous. Oh no. Not nerves, it's just like I've always done it. I just tear them. Hard bastard. Yeah, just really hard.

I always do it that goes too far. Oh no. It's unpleasant, but I just can't, I can't remember a time when I didn't do it. James, I hate this. Do you? How did you feel, Clark, about that scene in Black Swan, where should I pick to the cuticle, like Peel's Half-I-Hand-Greed?

Oh, it's so, it's so, that kind of, yeah. That can't be a reason to do this thing. It's a relief to be interrupted by wanking. LAUGHTER The other day, my lovely dog, I was in the vet and I'll try and tell the story succinctly as possible, but basically the vet wanted to look in the dog's mouth. The dog was very stressed out. The vet asked me to hold her mouth open.

I did that using my thumb as a kind of jam to keep the mouth open. It didn't work. She bit down on my thumb and my thumbnail cracked. I can't believe he made an audible crack down the middle of it. That's not relevant to the beat. Do you have a calcium deficiency? What's going on? Is that the big... Drink more milk? Is that the beef cell?

Anyway, the beef is... The beef is, I do this, like, let's say, sat here doing podcast. To pay your finger nails. You tear my fingernails, and I leave them in like a little pile. Mouth. Okay. Yeah, yeah. And then I get on with my day. Terrible. I get on with my day terrible. I get on with my day and then my wife

comes across the piles of animals and she so she has expressed many times her unhappiness about this situation. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I can imagine. But what's impressive about me is that rather than go yes, that's obviously disgusting. I love that. I've made you part with that. I the other day mounted like an impassioned defense. This is me. I can't remember a time I haven't done this. This is me. I'm always going to do this. And if you stay right to me, this is just the consequence of your decision. I'm picturing you in court as this is your defense. You go, yeah, yeah, look, I love murdering people. I'm always gonna do it.

I can't remember the time when I wasn't murdering people. So if you want me to be walking around, you've got to accept that I murdered people, all right? I was actually there on your wedding day, then. That was very touching the vase, you know, sickness and in health, richer or poorer, tearing off my fingernails and putting them in piles around your room.

That was in the fine print, the small print that you got in the house. You got to mumbled through that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was just a sort of fascinating thing, because obviously I appreciate to you, is to our listeners, it should be like, well, of course, there's no beef to solve here. I mean, this is absolutely apparent

that you're in the wrong. But what I find, I sort of almost impressed with myself that I've refused to back down over this. It's like I know that I'm gonna keep doing it. There are things I can fix in my behavior, but this, I don't see it happen. Is there any 50 50 split whereby You don't you do it to one hand no wait wait where you do it like where you do it But you don't leave the pile is leaving the piles pile is leaving the pile

But it's all it is is like it's it's I forget I just forget Well Again, yeah, do not remember you Do you not need to start or is there something you could buy a kin to a sink strainer that was like a little special pot, like a little ramikin, like a little mushy peas tub. It's a poppin in between your legs. Poppin between my legs. In the same way that you know, so I might have a jewelry box, you've got that and it's got a little, small ceramic lid on it that you can pop down

and it just, yeah, it actually makes it into, you know, if anything, makes it into more of an affectation that you bring your little DNA box all around the place, peel bits off of yourself, pop it with the box, and then at the end of the week, you see, like the phone levels, you see, if you've peeled more the stuff more stuff off yourself these other week before, you measure out the measurements and you go actually. Yeah, I'm not keeping it to hoard it.

I'm not, I'm not, I'm just forgetful. Yeah, but you chuck it away at the end of the week, you know, but if it's in a place, if it's in a pot, if it's your little special, you know, your little special. Perceptical. By my drawer, exactly. Yeah, then that's what you thought. I think that may be a necessary step. I think it has to avoid divorce.

I do admire your kind of this, you know, love is not love which alters when it alteration finds. Is that kind of, that's the kind of stanchier coming from? It wasn't as eloquent as that what I said. It was a bit more sort of like listen, right? What I am, what I am. Kind of big. But pointing to the dog, well the dog, the dog pisses the bed, right?

So I'm not the worst person in the house, all right? The dog's pissing all over the house. Yeah, I mean, is there nothing that you do that you're like, listen, I can be more tidy. I can not leave a mushroom in the sink, but there are certain non-negotiables. And I'm afraid that for me, leaving piles of my fingernails in sort of like surprise destinations around the house, is a non-negotiable. We've had a couple of quite big arguments over the toilet seat. Okay, yeah, that's a classic.

That is a very classic. And for some reason, that was never an issue until we're in the most recent place. But I sometimes leave, oh, our last toilet seat had a little handle on the side. So you didn't have to touch the rim of the toilet to put the seat down. Did you just ask yourself an imaginary question?

You're head then and that's sick. You're head then and that's sick. I was like, why doesn't that a problem? Oh, that was a wide area. Yeah, okay. You're totally changed there to answer a question that no one asked. We'll drop the question in. Could somebody just ask the question now?

No, you're not going to answer. I'll just go and be there. You should be there. Oh, clocky. Oh'm going to be a circle. I'm going to be a circle. Oh, clocky. Oh, I just think that is. So, James, here's my solution for you. I think what you need to do is you need to find something that your partner has

that gets on your nerves, that is inimitably theirs, that is them and you say, look, I'll give you that, you give me this. Right. And it's a trade. You go, look, I'm give you that, you give me this. And it's a trade, you go, look, I'm not gonna stop you from doing this, that you know, I know you do, it drives me crazy, you know that, and that's the trade off. In nuclear terms, it's multi lateral disarmament.

Yeah, exactly. You can't have unilateral disarmament, we're not getting rid of our nukes You've got to get rid of yours at the exact same time and None of this kind of Can you think of one of the things that you know they've got that is like You know you kind of go what I'll give you that well Yeah, I mean, I don't know if it's as bad, but my wife performs a lot of sketch comedy.

Oh, yeah. That's so worse. That is much worse than to. But you found the one thing that's worse than Terry, you're on finger nails. Be so, be so. And the consequence of that is that she leaves a lot of props assorted around the house. There's no designated prop cupboard. Without exaggeration, I've got a rubber dildo attached

to the tiles in my kitchen right now because apparently it's necessary for her. Wait, are you sure that's Getch Comedy? Get your jokes out of it. You stupid. Yeah, there's an Italian man in the right hand side of the kitchen. She's in the sketch right there. She dates like these three guys a night right?

I've got the perfect solution for you James. You've got to write her a bunch of really good sketches involving piles of fingernails. And then she won't know where they're. Where else is she going to obtain that prompt? She's not going to know whether it's props or not. Yeah, I mean, smart. It's the perfect crime. Really smart.

I love it. She's already written herself a sketch that involves sticking a dildo on a tile so that she can have... It's the perfect convoluted, actually. I should point out there are no shows. There's never a sketch show. It's just props. Just room full of these props. Oh boy. Beef solved.

Beef solved. Beef solved. James, thank you so much for coming on the pods. Mmm. It's pleasure. Thank you. Thank pleasure. Thank you. It's a thank you reaction. Yeah, it's a thank you reaction. Yeah, it's a thank you, make it up.

And you've got a book coming up. I like it here. So you've got to book it out right now. Is that right? It is. It's out right now. It's available. All the usual places, you know, all the bad websites people don't like.

You can get it there. It's called the Champ and The Champ and it is a comedy sports memoir. Tom's actually read it so he can endorse it. He's also in it very briefly, but it's still good. Don't use that to sell you. We're not the right way. We're trying to see the champ or the chump? I'll say this very quickly. I delighted at the title because it reminded me of one of my favorite stories from growing up. My brother was asleep in the back of the car on a long car journey and we wrote chump

on his forehead in Byro. My mom saw the what we had done and was like, I'm not having that and lent over and my mom saw the what we're done and was like, I'm not having that, and lent over, and my brother woke up to my mom, finishing correcting the U to an A. So all he knew is he woke up, and his mom was writing champ on his forehead. And mom was like, you're my champ. So the champ for the jump, really, really,

he resonated with you. He resonated with me. No, I love this book. So the champ for the jump really really really amazing. It really resonated with me. Now I love this book. I think it's a brilliant read. Your grandfather was middleweight champion of the world, doesn't he? And fought for the heavyweight world title. Yes, right.

Terry Downs, he was a boxer in the late 50s, early 60s. And it's kind of his life story, but intertwined with my own. And it's a kind of reckoning of what it's like to feel different from your own family, I guess. And yeah, a bit of an exploration of that with jokes and stuff. Brilliant. Clarke is working on a similar book actually about feeling different from you. But it's not. Unfortunately, his family is working on one and it will be published first.

So it's called The Jump and The Jump. Have you done an audio book? Because I'm really getting into a audio book. Have you? Oh, amazing. Oh, amazing. I mean, it's only an hour. If you've just heard a little bit of my voice on this podcast and thought, what about

nine hours? Then you've just heard a little bit of my voice on this podcast and thought, what about nine hours? What's up? Then you are in luck. It's a harrowing experience recording your own audiobook. I've got to tell you. It really, yeah, it is because it's like you're sort of doing the book and you sort of get to bits and you're like, oh yeah, this was filler.

It's still in there. You've really got work on selling your book, Jack. So where's this audio book available? Which chapters can I skip just to tell you? Seven, nine. Sure, yeah. No, the audio book is fun. You have to sort of make a choice when you're doing audio book as to whether you're going

to commit to doing the voices. Like, of course. You know, am I doing the voices? And I commit to a fantastic comic actor. You know, so you're, that's right in your wheelhouse. But you're not very versatile when it comes to accents though. We'll say that.

I'm a little bit. But that's it. Oh, all right. Sorry, I forgot we had Peter Sellace here. You know? Yeah, let's just say I got into deep waters. I sort of thought I'll do the voices and then by the end I've introduced a multitude of characters all over the globe.

It's worse if I go into any audiobook for like chapter 8 when the Welsh bloke turns up and the shit absolutely it's the fan. Oh, good's the fun. Oh, you're good. Oh, fantastic. So it's the champ and the chump available wherever you get audiobooks or indeed books. James, thanks for coming on the podcast. Thanks, haven't you?

Be from the starting, I can be. Workout! Well, there you go. What a treat. That was. And well, what's more to say, I guess? Well, I guess, whoo. Oh, that's more to say I guess well I guess Someone who's written a boxing book that we had a way in am I right?

I absolutely yeah, but Harry you've got some correspondence Don't forget if you want to get in touch with us and send us a beef or just get in touch and chat with us and beef Brothers podcast at gmail.com if you've got a problem with your neighbors, your flatmates, your landlord, even a problem with the seagull. Get in touch with us. We will sort of touch. We've had a lovely email through for Matthew and Tom,

hashtag parentcrack from Simon via papi's flat share at gmail.com. Greetings podcasters dear. Listening to Matthew get excited about the Wiggles on a recent beefbrothers cold cuts. I felt I must relate my own Wiggles story. They told the UK after 10 years, about 10 years ago, we saw them at the Manchester of Pollo. This was the Antony Murray Jeff, brackets he fell asleep, Sam lineup. My original dad. The original. Then three of us took some roses for Dorothy, obviously. She was on

some stairs at one point and Murray suddenly appeared. She was so shocked, she fell over down the stairs. Yet Murray was so amazing, he was able to catch her and thus save injury. Legit. Wow. And I'm pretty certain the only way this is feature-worthy is if you started a feature called when some cunts kid met the Wiggles. Actually, it sounds like the kind of feature we would start with. Yes, not that actually.

Also, the Kids albums by they might be giants on Spotify or an excellent musical compromise for me and my kids, so you might like them too. Thanks for all the podcasts. Cheers everyone. Bye, Simon! Oh, thank you, Simon. And I love they might be giants. What a band. Fantastic. Thank you for that recommendation. If you'd like to get in touch with us, Papi's flat share at gmail.com and don't forget to join the Patreon as well for more James McCluse and us. Today's episode was produced by Emma Corsham. Corsham team. Cheers everyone! Bye!

And the winner of the award, please be upstanding for your winner, the Patreon Neighborhood Watch Roll Call! This is an incredible surprise, I wasn't expecting this, honestly I look out at all of you and my heart is full. I want to thank my mother, my agent, and Rob Hall. Yeah, I genuinely, this is a dream come true. I never thought I would be standing up here on the podium when I moved to this land. And there's one person I have to thank, and that is of course, Seth Bland. Thank you so much, so privileged to be here. I can only describe as being the absolute bomb. I would like to of course thank my good friend Tom. A lot of people dated me and I don't care, you guys are all cunts. Okay, but there's one person I'd like to thank and that's better.

That's better, yeah. Because you know, Ben's had the good grace to be become a 5-Zone patron. I do that, we can't. Ben backed me and here I am now, holding this! You know, it's the end. Absolutely, that's... Please, please, please, put that away. They get the end of it.

It's hard to pixelate it. I'm actually with yours, they do. I look out over the audience and I see so many familiar faces, you know. And it's great to see one that is particularly smiley, and see so many familiar faces, you know, and it's great to see one that is particularly smiley and that is, of course, my agent, Morirai Lee. Well, of course, the person I want to thank the most is... The Queen! The Queen!

The Queen! The Queen! The Queen! Secondly, my dear friend, April Keen. Now listen, they said I needed to keep this speech short. Err... But... There are too many people that I want to call out for being cuts, right?

Err... That's a nice... Oh, Jesus. I'm there, I'm gonna take the mic away from it. Err in my speech, alright? Sam's in it, John's in it. I've even got Jeff in because he was a real cunt to me, but I tell you who wasn't.

Oh, fuck. Alid Heffin, he was alright. He was alright. Oh, it's this guy again. Alright, here we go. He's in every week. You know what, H He truly is The wind beneath my wings

My mother always said Don't say anything if you can't say something nice Not a problem with this guy because he's wonderful It's Ian Gwiddice Or Gidice And the award to most mentioned in patron they put in my consult And the award for leave and comes back twice a month goes to. Well thank you for this award what can I say it gets me

right where it's pure. Thank you also to the absolute notacant Stuart McClure. I'm gonna keep this short because I'm on a promise for a blow-ay. Oh, did you imagine that? Fuck all you haters. First of all, fuck all you haters. Second of all, I'm coming for your shades, no way. Oh no, you've got a promise to chase now, you're playing, Joe. I'm probably still in 5'1.

I'm naked with my lips. You know what, he's, he's a man of the lips. He's dropped seven Australian dollars, so you know, he's been hit more than that mate. Well, I'm finished with it. LAUGHTER Can I just say, yeah, I'm with Tom on about 50% of what he said. Fuck all the haters, you know, I'm not mad at you. I'm just bored here.

Except there's one person who's always been there for me. And that is is of course Claudia Well, I've got to admit thanks for the fame's really made you talk with Yeah, I know I mean cool since we won this award Do you know what I'm happier with the way it's made me act the way it's made you I'm happy with a case be happening with occasionally being a bit, being a bit, constructing my senses slightly poorly and speaking of a bit more street than I am.

But you know what, that's fine because I can deal with that in the privacy of my own home. I'm not gonna shame snow at his house every couple of days. I promise is a promise, all right. I'm proud of you. I made a promise. I'm proud of you. I made a promise. I'm proud of you, Claudia. Well, thank you for this award.

And I've got to be sure, because I've paid for a blowy. But it's money well spent, because I get to blow the lovely frank Fincent gorgeous stuff The amount of promises I made Of what I do if I won thinking about it makes my pants well I'm gonna be a busy boy

I'm gonna be a busy boy! I'm coming for you! Sammy, can't well? PS, fuck the haters y'all. I'm not listening. I'll be fucking all the people who back me as well. I made a lot of promises. I just want to say to all the naysayers, all the shit posters, to all the naysayers, all the uh, all the shit posters and all the haters,

I just think you're all pathetic. So cool. There's one person. Yeah. Pretty cool. Thanks for really majoring. You're all just a bunch, you're just a bunch of pathetics. You really are, but there is one person I want to thank for always Standing by me never thought in my side. It's Zeno netics

That is very cool actually cross me so cool. Well, thank you so much for this awards and most of all I'd like to thank so much for this award and most of all I'd like to thank oh my good friend Lily babe oh well thanks to Lily babe and that concludes oh no Paris nothing on you know you brought to anything stop doing that Paris Paris oh no

no probes that's like fluids no patriotent neighborhood watch! A roll call! A roll call! Keep it political! Yes, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's bad, that's deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman plotting her course to free to pat in love for. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that.

Poor things. It's like theaters, December 15.