Pappy's Flatshare - Beef Brothers Cold Cuts w/ John Kearns

Episode Date: August 17, 2020

The Beef Brothers are here to sort out your beef with special guest John KearnsJohn Kearns - https://twitter.com/johnsfurcoatPappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetIf you have a flatshare based beef you'd like us to solve then send it to [e-mail] us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareProduced by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman planting her coarse debris and pat in love for it. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Four things. It's like theaters December 15th.

Greetings, listener dear! We are back through the heat across the night and into your ear canal with a bullet of words. I'm Tom. I bet. And I'm Matthew and welcome to another bullet of words that we're going to call Papi's flat share, beef brothers, cold cuts. And we've got a very exciting guest this week, the brilliant John Kerns.

Oh yeah. Always a pleasure. Always a pleasure, the brilliant John Kerns. Oh yeah. Always a pleasure. Always a pleasure, that's a good way. Always a pleasure. We'll get Clarky to introduce him in a second. Yes, Mr. Deere will famously know John Kerns as the man who Clarky forgot. Yeah, what an episode that was.

It was John and Olga Koch, flat-shell slam down. You took a handful of stabs at trying to remember it and you just couldn't. He's a memorable guy as we'll find out in this episode. Quick note before we get started if you haven't watched our flat share slam down that we did with David O'Doghty and Cindy V. We recorded it last night. It was really really fun. We had a great time. It's available on YouTube It was really cracking if you get an event bright dot code at UK and search for Papi's flat share You should be able to find it or just go to our Twitter at Papi's tweets and also our Patreon as well our Patreon is Alive and kicking and gaining new members all the time for five dollars and above you can get

Over a hundred bonus episodes over a full turn of course. Get them immediately, as soon as you sign up, straight away, they just drop into your RSS feed. Don't listen to them all at once, that'll be very confusing. People do that sometimes, oh, literally all at the same time. Yes.

Don't try that, don't try that. That's a word salad you don't need. They do all sync up, though, that's the amazing thing about it. Yes, and they also sync up with the dark side of the mood. Yes. If you play it backwards. Well, Hail Satan, and let's start the episode. Clarkie, do you want to introduce it? Yeah, it's my good friend. we play football together. So it's a great friend of mine. Here he is, it's the Colonel everyone. John Cards. Well, if you've got a problem,

don't call it a problem. If you've got a problem, call it a B. If you've got a B, maybe we can help you be from the sorting at your B. John Cards. John, thank you for coming on the show. Thanks for having me. Total pleasure.

John, are you a good flatmate? Are you a good person to live with? Well, I'm gonna say yeah. I'm gonna say yeah. I'm very understanding and I put up with too much. I did in the past, certainly. Go on. In the past, what kind of stuff have you put up with, what kind of things have you tolerated? Let's slide, yeah, tolerated. Well, I so lived in a flat where

typical, you know, straight bat stuff, guided into the washing up, you know, that's your bread and butter, that's basic. Guided into the washing up, you know that's your bread and butter that's basic Or I'm I'm I'm going well I'm swirving I'm swirving it. I'm not getting involved in it But I'm swirving it. I'm like that's his messy does what he wants I Live with another person who put all of that stuff in a box and left it outside of his sir. Oh, no outside of his door. I'll remember that And he didn't touch it as well. That was the thing he and left it outside of his, oh no. Outside of his door, I'll remember that.

And he didn't touch it as well, that was the thing, he just left it there. Well, I think if he's happy with it being in the sink, he's happy with it being outside of the day. If anything, he's pretty happier with it in a box, it's tidied away. You're absolutely right, that is absolutely brilliant logic. It doesn't mean anything to him. He actually probably opens the door. He's like,

Oh, did I leave it there? He can't probably even work out why it's there. You tolerated this John? Yeah, I tolerated it. I tolerated a lot. You should honestly, my life is tolerated. I am so tolerant. I, uh, what else? Um, I used to live in quite an odd flat. I've just moved out of it. Ah, man, I mean, this is a, this is hard to explain. Basically, the living room and the bedroom were facing the road. Sure. Then you've got a kitchen and a bathroom that faced the garden. bathroom that face the garden. In between there was a hallway which was used by the flat upstairs to get to their flat. So technically my flat was split in half. So it's a shared hallway running right down the middle of your flat.

Yeah so if you wanted to go from the bathroom in your towel to your bedroom, you had to make sure no one of the five people that lived upstairs, or their boyfriend's or girlfriends, or the party that they're having. Oh no. Oh, not in the vestibule. That's insane. So were they were they're two flats that should have really been fully kitted out with all the necessary rooms and they just decided to. Well funny you say that. So a guy a member of a couple I was there for the five years. So a guy came and he did I never

know what it is. You know when you walk past the people in the street and they've got like those kind of telescopes like they're like On a surveyor on a try What the hell is that you just I don't know what they are so quantity surveyor is no Serva is it maybe ordinance yeah, they're drawing a board and it's survey maps But yeah, but what is he doing? I think it's I think it might be quantity What quantities is he surveying? I don't give a shit The machine what's it doing? I think it just isn't just like to see if there's not like

Any kind of sinkage or anything like that that everything stays the same You haven't got a clue what it has been. No, of course I don't. Well, I mean, anyway, it's so easy. So it comes out. I can't believe you tolerate so much and you wouldn't tolerate that. That was one box of shit too far. Well, no, I'm brave over Zoom, but if we were face to face, I'd have kept quiet.

I'm scared. Tolerance is also fear. Yeah, I feel that. I'm going to say it measures height and distance. But they're not stood by it for ages, like it's Victorian camera. I think you do in calculations on hypotenuse. I think you do calculations. You do calculations on like hypotenuse and shit. Hight width.

Hypotenuse. Yeah, I think you're right. I think if I think of I thought about it for more than a minute, I'd have probably got to that as well. But... Joe McClarky thought it was synchage though. Haha. I'm still a synchage truth, right?

I think it is synchage. I think what the, what the Lames New Media wants you to think is they're doing the bloody hypotenuse, but actually it's a check for syn sinkage and it's happening right under your nose wake up sheep If you turn from all the insurvey you were all Drawing of a bloody map But the reason I put this up is so the guy came around and he kind of got one of those things out a bit like a laser Paddy's measuring up on it and whenever anyone came round they couldn't understand it They'd be like wait which ones you're flat. I'm like well, it's there and there and they're like

So it's kind of splitting off anyway, so he measures it up and he went Technically, this is a bedset Fuck and I was like, right? I thought, you know, that was the end of that. No, he just left. So what is fun? I don't know if you guys have ever done this. So I've left about six weeks ago now. And in my mind, I'm going...

When I moved in, I knew what it was like because I used to live upstairs long story. in I knew what it was like because I used to live upstairs long story, but I knew what I was getting myself into and I could handle it. But anyone else just stop you. I know you said long story. It's so you lived in the flat upstairs with the corridor and then you went to the flat downstairs with the corridor. Why do you love this corridor so much? Why can't you quit this corridor? That's beyond tolerance, John. You know you said you moved out six weeks ago, if you moved into the corridor. Fulace. Complete the collection.

You've got to see this corridor though. Yeah, but I don't know if I landlord was a bit of a maniac and so I'm enjoying watching it be on the websites and nobody nobody because what they've done is as I'm sure you've all been you're looking at a flat you go this nice. Let me look at the floor plan. There is no floor plan, baby. You're going to go and see the floor plan. So I think this thing could be up there. So I think this thing could be up there for... I'm going to say Christmas. Can you send us a link after this?

I'd love to see it. Yeah, well, yeah, sure. Maybe someone listening would take it. They, well, yeah, sure. So maybe someone listening would take it, they'll go, this is fucking great. Yeah, any corridor fans out there, get in touch. Here's my question. Where was the, with the locks, with four of the doors to your house? I had three front doors. Yes, three front doors. So good. Like the Crystal Maze. Three keys. Three keys.

So you had the main door which everyone used, including the five upstairs. Us. The shop I lived above. I lived above a shop. Don't worry about him. And of course, let's not be going all the way through the shop as well. Can I ask, did you have to go pass and pick a mix? I'll say, Gordon, it was a small aisle. Yeah, yeah.

No, no, he was downstairs as well. He was banging around a ways, kind of like, soaring stuff stuff and yeah, fucking hell man. And then there's a woman in the basement. Oh, you're in the wash. Yeah, there's a basement flat. So we were used that front door. Yeah, yeah. And then when you get to my flat,

there was the key for the West Wing. The key for the East Wing. The key for the East Wing. So yeah, to make a decision, what I want to do now, do I want to cook some food, do I want to go to bed? Which key am I going to use? Well, do you know what's interesting is, so I've moved it to the new flat now, and it's a normal flat, you know, one front door, everything connected. No shops attached to it. you know, one front door, everything connected.

No shops attached to it. There's no shops. Sounds boring, man. You changed that. Yeah, I do know what. I was thinking the other day because the problem is like, you know, I could, if you had an argument

or if you needed time to yourself, you could just go to the other side of the house. Like, and you can slam two doors in the process as well. You can really make yourself felt, can't you? How do people, how do you speak to me like this? Bump, bump, two slams. Yeah, if you live in a normal flat the warehouse,

if you want a slam a door and it means something, you've got to leave your house, it's a nightmare. Yeah. In a door, in a flat with three front doors, you can still slam the door, make a statement, but you know, just go into the other part. I tell you what, here's a move that isn't often used. You can slam a door without going through it. You just stay just Oh wow Wow Straight back into the argument

Yeah, just slam in a door It's like if you ever do something in just total anger that's completely unnecessary like once when I was having a Quite a bad argument with with my wife. I threw a carton of soup. We were walking home and I threw a carton of soup, we were walking home and I was a carton of soup, we were gonna have for dinner and I threw it on the floor, and I think it was plastic cartons and it just smashed and it went everywhere. And I mean, the second it left my hand,

I knew I'd made a mistake. And then when it smashed, I didn't even think about, of course it's gonna smash on the pavement and just splatter soup everywhere. But, I love the idea, you know, in my mind, you've got the shops, no bag, you've just bought soup. You're taking out the bag, you're holding soup. And this is what the argument was about.

That's what I was going to say. In my mind as well, you're also arguing over the soup. Yeah. Well, I can't, you know what? That's like all the truth. I can't remember what it was. I remember the soup very keenly. It was that super green soup from M&S. It's good stuff.

You know, all the, yeah. So it wants to do pretty well for themselves. It's all the off-cuts that they've managed to sell as a new thing to idiots like me. And yeah, for some reason, we were just having such an argument that I threw it on the ground. But there was something quite definitive about that moment. It felt like slamming a door but staying in the room.

Because it was a massive, but you've then got to deal with the consequences. Right left with it. You're left with it, exactly. Well, that's your dinner. Exactly, no dinner as well. I'm not having dinner. Charlie's not having dinner gone. And I think actually the fact that I threw the soup in a sort of petulant rage dispelled the argument in the end. It made me look

like an idiot and then Charlie laughed and we moved on. But maybe you should have. Yeah, that is nice. Maybe there should be like argument, like, not necessarily super every time. I think you're water balloons. Yes. So you've got them on, you've got them on hand. And just in a fit of rage, like eggs, just in the fridge. Yeah. Threat on the ground, but instantly there's a little bit

of like, a little bit of comedy going on. Ha ha ha, yeah, little, little, little balloons. But after a while you're gonna get used to the balloons. It's the shot, like if you see, if you're having an argument comedy going on. Yeah, little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little little No, it's happening. It's not your fault. Were you then able to shout? What should you do that for at her? I was, I was once having a big argument with my girlfriend and I kicked out, it was a house party at Ben's house and I kicked out at the air. Like she was behind me, I was walking off

and I went, oh, like that, and just kicked out in frustration and my shoe flew off and landed the other side of the school fence that I was walking alongside. And I just had to storm off wearing only one shoe because my shoe was just in the school next to Clarkie's Azee, next to school. And I couldn't reach it. So I just had to, I like went, oh,

and it flew over the fence, I just had to walk off. Like, because I couldn't in my mind, I got a fuck, I've lost my shoes. I had to wait until she had gone back in and then come back and try and get my shoe backs. I was walking around with one shoe, trying to be angry. Terrible, really undermined things. Yeah, it's about the...

Speaking of layout of houses... Oh yes, floor plans. Do you know about Barbastry's house? No, I know. I actually got a mall attached to her house, is that right? Well underneath in the basement, she has a old, done up obviously, old English Victorian street. What? And all the shops, by the way, staffed sell like your classic English sweet shop.

Like a black shop. Like the black country museum. Like a living museum. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the dream. And it's like got as street lamps. What? Yeah. Like my pits Christmas Carol.

You got, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, like Christmas Carol. Oh, man. That's so cool. And then she, she follows the sun. So in the morning, she kind of goes to the house that has the sun there and then, you know, when the sun moves, she goes to the other house where the sun is at its best. And then in the afternoon, she goes to the other house where the sun is best. So, she basically lives in a giant sundial? Yeah!

Well, I got it in the basement of her flat. No, no, no, that was the basement of her flat. No, no, no, that was the basement of her flat. Yeah, I mean, her actual house is crap, which is a flat. You should see what she's got underneath it. Yeah, it's not mad, it's not mad. That's amazing. And also, if you're working in those places, if your job is I run the year-oldy sweet shop under Barbara Strighes' house. Yeah. Are you working every day?

I work every day. I work every day. I work every day. If you're Barbara Strighesons' blacksmith. I got me, I got me, I got me something like some circles of London. He's part of Australia's blacksmith. Say no more, say no more. There you are. I think it's more like, well, is it there Ray?

I think it's Bullocks, but isn't there like a very famous comedian who has, the rumor was he had his own Starbucks in his house. Oh yes, yeah that's true, yeah and that's staffed as well. So is it like kind of rich rich? I guess so. So I thought Dolly Parton was the person with the mall. Ah maybe it's Dolly Parton, I thinking of, it's got a mall attached to her house, that she could shop in just on her own. But again, it's the same thing with Striazand. Does she have to pay when she goes in?

I bet it's like the Brixton Pound. Yeah, she's got some sort of monopoly-type money printed up with her face on it. Yeah, it's like one of those places that you've got tokens that you put into a machine. It looks like an old postbox. Like I'm rich, but only on Strison Street. So through these doors, and honestly, I live like a millionaire, but out there. I've got two quid to rub together.

Because this is what happened. You don't know this John, but when the old cryptocurrency boom was happening, Papi's invested in Strison bucks. And it's a real mistake. Because we're miles away from her gaff as well. We're miles away from her. It's a long way to go for a cappuccino, let me tell you.

I mean, on paper we're billionaires. But you know, ask us to lend you a tenor and you'll be you know Whistling in the wind anyway shall we shall we shall we read some people's beefs because that is the reason we yes Okay, and Perry do you want to read the the first one? I think I emailed it to you. Yes. I have here we go Barbara writes my blacksmith is bunking off. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER OK. Self-sufficiency beef from Mel via Beef Brothers podcast at gmail.com. Getting touched.

Yeah, getting touched. Greetings, crossbow, pasman, clarky, Emma and guest, the Colonel. My beef concerns, my housemate, brackets, husband. We love a bit of that. Okay, yep, we'll accept that. And some recent ideas he has had during lockdown, relating to self-sufficiency. Oh.

This is already good because I'm already a fan of that. As soon as lockdown happened, everybody in their mind said, oh, am I going to become like the good life? Is that what I'm going to do? I'm going to buy a goat and have it graze in the back garden and make cheese for its milk. This is such a withering opening sentence. Yeah.

Some recent ideas he has had. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Ah! No, it's an amazing idea. He's just ignoring me. The recent ideas will pass. My husband's had some recent ideas.

Oli has always seen himself as something of an ideas man. He's getting that. With ideas including moving to Iraq or what? What's your call moving to Iraq? Or is he calls it the land of opportunity? I don't know what he's seen recently of the footage of Iraq, but okay sure, the land of opportunity, yeah. Was any down the river in a rubber dinghy?

The reasoning for which still remains unclear Thankfully none of these ideas have ever come to anything I'd love to know more about this So what he she mel wakes up one morning and looks to her husband and he's there inflating a dinghy that he's bought on eBay And he's saying I'm just gonna go down the river in this that's what why? he's bought on eBay and he's saying I'm just going to go down the river in this. That's what why? Then I'll tell you about the rubber dick. Like for years and years we used to go to like town in Wales and I always desperately wanted

a rubber dinghy. We used to pest our parents for years and one year they finally bought us one and it was a two person one so my brother and sister went off it and it first and he headed straight for like there was like a boy out on the on the sea with like a ladder up it. I thought you're gonna say he has straight for international waters. Good luck mate. Went up to the boy instantly popped it on that that had all, you know, barnacles on it, had to, try and negotiate getting them both back to land safely. So, if that had been a cartoon though, what would have happened is they would have punctured the boy and the rubber thing he would have

shot off towards the shore at speed, propelled by the puncture or into France what are the two but they they then I I told this story to my girlfriend's parents and so they bought me for my birthday a rubber dinghy because they live on the So I went down to visit them last week, and they're like, come on then. Take your rubber dinghy out. Ha ha ha. Off you go.

So I did. You had to go and have a little splash round in the sea in front of your girlfriend's parents, you know, in rubber dinghy. I really didn't want to, but what's got out there? It was very lovely. Was it one with the little swan on the front of it? No.

No, it was quite beaty actually, was like a two person one. It was really good. It's a lot of it. No. No, it was quite beating actually. It was like a two-person one. It was really good. It's a lot of fun. Did you got an interview with Sky News, didn't you? They come alongside you. I was about to say, you're the only one going in the opposite direction. It's like, where the fuck are you coming? The land of opportunity. There is quite a difference. I think it's weird, those two ideas are quite different. It's one thing going whitewater rafting.

It's another thing going to live in Basra. Yeah. Something like that too very... I get it anyway. The latest big idea is not as outlandish. But since we had a child and have grown up a bit Oli has started committing to his ideas and getting shit done. He wants to start fruit. Oh Jesus Christ, Parry. He wants to start fruit and veg patches in our garden seemingly harmless you might think. However, Oli doesn't eat fruit or veg.

And that's absolutely no idea how to grow it. He is in the possession of seeds and intends to plant them. I would like a solution as to what to do when he plants his seeds. Do I get involved to try and make the Covid-Cabbage Patch a success? Do I leave involved to try and make the COVID-19 COVID patch a success, do I leave him to it and stare at two patches of barren land for the rest of the year? Cheers everyone by Mel. Do you know what I think will happen that way? If you do manage to grow something, and I bet he will, I don't think it's that hard. But I think he's got something like... I think he's got something like another here.

LAUGHTER Particularly something like potatoes. They grow really easily. And then, I think once you grow something like that, you're probably be so proud of it, you're starting it. Yeah, sure. He should, he should be in it. I mean, yeah, if you're a grown person, you should be in your fruit and veg.

I genuinely can't get my address in this. I'm sure we've talked about this before. But like, you're grown potatoes, right? You plant the potatoes. Yes. They're gonna take fuckload of time to grow, right? Can I just say, by the way, last time with Helen, we talked about onions for 45 minutes.

Now we're talking about, well, this has turned into garden as well, this podcast. That's a sign of us maturing, my friend. Absolutely, of course it is. Sorry, sorry, what was your question about potatoes? Well, I just don't understand the turnover. Like, I can't get my head round the turnover

of growing shit because I'm eating potatoes every day, right? Yes, yes. I'm not getting them out the soil every day, am I? Like, you're buying a big bag of potatoes once a week, right? I'm seeing off a sack a week. Yeah. We're buying a bag, we're buying a bag a week from the supermarket, we're getting potatoes most times in the veg box that arrives.

Always gone. First to go. My potatoes. I'm talking mash. I'm talking, you know, you know the deal exactly like loads of spuds Yeah, I'm I'm planting some spuds what I along they grow Clarkie how long they taking me to grow I don't think it's that long it may be a month Right, okay, so what am I eating in that month?

When I'm waiting for these potatoes to grow or where they they grow, how many potatoes am I taking at the ground? Five, five potatoes? Yeah, but you're talking about day one. You're talking about day one on the farm. You haven't seen a guy for hundreds of years. Yeah. I mean, those potatoes you are eating, someone grew those.

Oh, yeah, but not me in my little patch, the back. Well, I think I think you need about like an acre. To be self-sufficient. No, well, I've been doing this. I have big nosees. Potatoes are growing on hills. What? Are they?

I, because I thought might, I thought they were grown in, like aren't they grown in like, if you'll grow them in your back garden, that you grow them in a sack, isn't that the idea? I know they're grown in, like, aren't they grown in like, like, if you'll grow them in your back garden, you grow them in a sack. Isn't that the idea? I know they're coming to sack eventually, but don't you grow them in like a sort of potato sack? No, I know someone who I used to work with.

He was an alcoholic, he got sacked. Anyway, years later, it's like, anybody heard from this guy? Yeah, he's picking potatoes. Right. Where? Uh, well apparently potatoes are on hill, they're grown on hills. To get the sun.

So he's... You spend all your day if you're picking potatoes, like... the letter N. You see what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But your body's bent down like that. You'd end up like those goats who've got one leg longer than the other. You know, like one side is longer.

You know, goats they've got. Yeah, those amazing goats that run up hills. But the ones that run up cliffs. Yeah, exactly. Oh, you see the ones that run up a dam? Oh. Treat yourself to that foot. That's the deal. A the ones that run up a dam? Oh, treat yourself to that foot. It's the thing.

I can run up a dam. You can't, you can't run up a dam. We used to work with, hope he's all right. Well, I don't know if he's all right, but look at this video of it. Yeah. Yeah. Look, hey.

Does that look like a man is all right? Oh. Yeah. I guess he is. So what are we going to say to Mel? Because the problem I think with Mel is she's a classic naysayer to her husband's ideas. Now I appreciate that she is the voice of experience here. He says he's gonna do a thing, he's not gonna do it. But don't you have to give him the benefit of the doubt. If there is the land there in the Bat Garden

and he's got the seeds, surely, it's just a matter of... I do, how big is that Bat Garden though, an acre? How many people do we know in an acre in the Bat Garden? I don't think he's doing it to be entirely self-sufficient. But if you can grow some of these stuff, that's good, isn't it? Yeah, I mean, we're getting tomatoes from our in-laws. They give us a small bag of week. It's not all of our tomato consumption, but it's nice to have some properly homegrown tomatoes.

It'd be nice to have some properly homegrown potatoes. I think, it mows in the driving seat here. You go, do you know what mate? Go ahead, but you've got to eat them. Be a good example to our child. Yeah, I think that's it. Yeah, because I think that's very tricky, isn't it, when you're saying I don't eat any fruit or veg, because you've got to convince the kids to eat fruit and veg, that's key.

Yeah, you know what, I think that's beef solved. I've got no time for people to eat like that. I don't know if there's a, I don't know if we're in a world where you just got to be like, yeah, you got to let people do it. You're, I've got no time for people like that. It's inherently childish, isn't it? I find it very frustrating. My brother's a picky eater in it, really.

What the fuck's wrong with this guy? I'm going to rock. I'm going to grow some carrots. I don't eat carrots. Absolutely mess. The guy's mad. Well... Do you know what? Do you know what? I stand corrected. I'm now back on Mel's side I think we're gonna have to I think we have to close the beef there But beef's solved beef's closed

Do you want to see what the world is really like yes four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining a woman planting her course to free And not for it's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that poor things in select theaters, December 15th A cast powers the world's best podcast Here's a show that we recommend Hi, I'm David Boris Canadian historian and host of curious Canadian history, a bi-weekly deep dive into the wild, worrisome, and wonderful world of Canadian history. This season, we've covered not season Alberta, the Palestinian

partition, and even the assassination of Abraham Lincoln. We also have eight seasons worth of back episodes all right there for your listening pleasure. Check out new episodes of Curious Canadian History every other Tuesday wherever you get your podcast. Acast helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com This is a beef priority from Mary Hey, howdy. Hey puppies long time. Hey, hey, Mary. Hey How she spelling Mary? It is well, she explains in the body of a rema how to pronounce it. It's M-A-I-R-I pronounced Mary like to marry someone.

Mary, that's great name. It is lovely name. It's a lovely name, yeah lovely name. Long time right, first time listener. Whoa, my name is Mary, as discussed, and I have some major beef with my flatmates, stroke, husband, David. Okay, here we go. Oh, it's another David. Another ideas, man, is it? Yeah. I've been peed together for more than 16 years, congratulations,

and married for nearly 10 of those years. It's quite reasonable to assume that some beef crept up in that time. But I have one that causes me probably more frustration than the others. David? You must have put up with a lot of, are you gonna marry Mary?

Must have had a lot of that. Oh, God, yeah. I'm gonna marry Mary, yeah. A lot of fun, a lot of fun. I mean, marry me, marry, marry me, marry. Correct. All that stuff. I'd have loved that. Yeah. You love words, don't, marry me, marry. Oh, that stuff. I'd love that.

Yeah. You love words, don't you? You love language. I'm a word on the words. If you were the father of the bride and that he came to you, David came to you. I want to marry, marry. You'd be like, fantastic.

Say that again. Yeah. Who do you want to marry? Stop stuttering, who do you want to marry? Stop stuttering who do you want to marry? Spit it out. That's why she was named that. Whenever the husband, whenever a bloke tries to ask the father the mario, he always just acts like he doesn't understand what they do. Oh god that's a great god tempted now that That's something I'm gonna call my daughter Will you marry? I want a marry Mary. Do you and who do you want a marry Mary? Yeah, just get him

Lovely bit of business lovely stuff David will suggest that we and Julia flatmates Straight daughter go out of a deep thing to enjoy some food outside of the house. Very easy to help though. Yes, exactly that. Very occasionally he will suggest some somewhere, but most of the time the suggestion to eat out will come from him with the immortal words,

I don't mind where we go, I'm easy. Oh, I'm just kidding. Right, yes. Yes, here we go. There we go. Here we go. You know where this is going? Here, dear puppies is where my beef lies. My junior flatmate, stroke daughter and I will then suggest all the places we would like to eat.

And of course, as a flat-share stroke family, we have quite a wide range of tastes. David will make the no-face and say no to all of our suggestions, making childish noises as he does so. Anyone want to give that a crack? No. He's. Yeah. The result is me becoming overwhelmingly exasperated and leaving me no choice but to just cook something at home before my generally good nature, junior flatmate, stroke daughter, gets so hungry she cries. On the most recent example of this,

tonight, it would have been our first post-lockdown out meal. And I gave in to cook a meal my junior flatmate short daughter remarked I didn't know I don't know why he embodied him papis she's eight I'm gonna say straight away here. Yeah, if he says let's go out for dinner you give him two chances to say straight away here. Yeah. If he says, let's go out for dinner, you give him two chances to say no. On the third one, you leave with the kid, you lock the door from the outside and you go, you go, you go out for dinner yourself. You go out for dinner just the two of you. You'll probably have a fantastic time without that dosie cunt.

You'll have a really nice, you know, you have a nice dinner, a little bit of a little bit of mother-daughter bonding time. I think that's what you've got to do. Because if you're being tricked into cooking every time, which you shouldn't have to do, he's the one who suggested dinner. Or if you don't want to do that, order in a takeaway. Don't give him any. I think you've got to block him out.

I think you're absolutely right. And here's a top, you can put on top of this. Open the fridge, take out a soup, dash it it on the floor say that's yours mate. Exactly. Yes. Storm out and slam the door slam the door then open it and leave yeah I Think I think you have to force him to give a selection of three So I have a partner who's very prone to this I'm easy

Malaki without being really easy and it's obviously it's a ruse. So in order to not let them get away with that I say look I will make the final decision but you need to give me three options that you're happy to take and then I'll make the final decision. So they're still avoiding the responsibility of the final decision, but they are setting parameters that they are going to agree with. Yeah, I might think it so whenever I've come across someone that is like this, I'm easy. Usually they're usually like a very specific thing. And so in their mind it is easy because that's all they eat. So you know what I'm saying, their definition of easy is different to say, are easy. So for example, I'm easy. Be like yeah like Italian, Chinese,

Indian, sure whatever. The people that say, I'm easy are always the people that are like, well, I only like Peter Express, but they're even down to the restaurant. So I think as soon as someone says they're easy, you've got to call it, you've got to slam the door but stay in the room and go, you're not easy, you're the hardest person I've ever met. You're not easy, you're the hardest person I've ever met. And not in a Ross Kempon gang's kind of way. Did you see Ross Kemp got stunned by bees? Oh yeah. What?

He got stung and his lips, didn't he? Yeah. The poor, lovely. He swelled up like a spitting image puppet of himself. But I quite enjoyed it. I didn't go in deep. I just kind of was like, what's going on? He's talking about bees and then I left it there

because I like, yeah, I'm just imagining like, what's he done? Is he like kissing bees? He's stealing honey. He's currently dating a bee. No one's ever smoked a bee before. I wonder why? First Rebecca Brooks now a bee.

Is that a tough one? He's had a tough old life, hasn't he? He likes some fiery, I'll give him that. Absolutely. Okay, should we say beef closed on that one? I think we've got to call that, yeah. So you either make him do it, or you just leave and lock the door.

Well, slam the door, stay in the room, then open the door, leave. Lock the door again. It's quite a lot of doors, but you know what, you can get through it. You seem very smart, Mary. Beef closed. Beef from the zoning, I can be beef soft. So John, do you have a, because you said you've just moved. I have you.

Have you got any problems with either the people you've just moved in with or your neighbors that you want to, you want us to sort of pick over and solve for you. Well, interesting, because you know it's a new house, so as I'm sure you're all aware when you move in, it's mad isn't it that You look at a flat or you look at a house and you've got to make that decision in 10 minutes and you don't assess the sound noises, things like that. So I mean, basically take your pick. Above the bedroom is, I think, my, I live live so the guy who lives upstairs I Think there's a bath

This guy likes a late night bath So you can hear him squeaking about He also well, I have to now talk quietly because Every yeah, I can hear what's going on to my right. I can hear what quietly because... You can hear. Every... I can hear what's going on to my right. I can hear everything. They can hear me. I mean, you know, if they listen to this podcast, I'm fucked, but, you know...

There's a very good chance they won't. He's got three locks on his door. Why's he got three locks on his door. Why's he got three locks on his door? I don't know. So, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, and then, so, and here's the other one. I'm looking at my window now, yeah. My next door neighbor has kids and there's a massive trampoline. And when they start jumping up, we're right away.

No. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no I wake up, there's a weird noise outside, weird noise. I think it'll go away, it doesn't go away. I look at the window, there's a fox on top of the fence, and he's chewing it away, he's going mad, he's like running, it's like, oh, I can't work out what he's doing, I'm like, why is he chewing the fence? So why is he like, he's kind of frantically... So he sort of scampering on a fence, he's on a fence post sort of chewing away chewing the fence? So why is he like, he's kind of frantically... So he's sort of scampering on a fence,

he's on a fence post sort of chewing away on the fence, so we're doing like a kind of balancing act. Yeah, he climbed up the dam. He's balancing, yeah, he's balancing. Well, I thought I was looking at him like, well, I'll be like, yes, he'll go. He doesn't go, he's trapped. Oh no, he's trapped. Trapped.

Now, I don't live on the go. I can't see, I can't get to the garden. I don't know what to do. I wake up my girlfriend. She's like, what do we do? We look at the RSPC-8. They don't open till 7. You know, without being too bleak, this fox is running out of energy

and starts flying back and he's dangling from his leg now. So I have to go downstairs and the first time I meet my neighbor I knock on the door He says hello, and I'm like What we gonna do about the fox? He hasn't got clue. I'm talking about Long story short I called the fire brigade What you have to call the fire brigade. What are you going to do? He would have died. So fire engine turned up.

Four firemen were walked in. And a fireman with his bare hands tore the fence in half. Wow. The fox ran off. This was at seven in the morning. God almighty. I mean, I don't have a job. I don't have a job, but if I did, yeah, foxes, foxes, it's fair and it, tear and have, it's been half. He just went, foxes

are pretty scared. So, yeah, for people listening, it's like, you know, like how Superman tears his shirt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He did that with the fence. He started in the middle. Yeah, where the where the fox had his foot trapped. So he went, he jumped the fence. Amazing. Already. And then he just went, and they all walked out in silence. I was stood there like, you know, it's a bit embarrassing when a fire engine turns up, you open the door and you know it's to save. You and the neighbor did you watch this together? I went upstairs and watched from my flat. Right. And he, I'm as you watched from his flat. Yeah. Was there ever a point

where you thought when you saw that it was just a matter of tearing the fence? Do you think you could have got in there and torn the fence yourself thought when you saw that it was just a matter of tearing the fence? Do you think you could have gotten there and torn the fence yourself or is that just a that a fireman's job or one you couldn't have done? Well I'll flip the question back to you. Are you going near a world fox? No no you're right I'm not I'm not. I'm going nowhere near that thing. Because I was just thinking if you if you if you'd freed the fox then the fox and most of the other woodland creatures

would owe you a favor. Oh yeah, like Mary Poppins thought of falling in my bed, all that. You could have had, you could have had them pardon me. You could have had the fox go upstairs and say, listen mate, if you're gonna have a bath, do it at 6 p.m.

don't do it at midnight. Yeah. Hey, kid, how about you don't jump so fucking high, yeah? Yeah. Next time, this guy a little bit bad and his last flat. Oh, imagine that, the kids start jumping up and it eye to eye with a fox. Just staring back on the from the flat. Dark version of the John Lewis video. Grandma, what big teeth you had?

Whose fence is it? Ah, well that's because that made me laugh because you know, five and they do their job and then they go, well that's something you just sought out. So it did make me laugh that this fence was pretty ruined. I was like, well, I don't know. That's going to be like, so tell me again how this happened. It's not my fence. Not my, I don't know if I see it. It's not my fence. Nothing to do with me. Well, I mean, it seems like there's a lot of issues. I think, I think, Crosby, you've cracked it there. I think you need to go and track down that fox.

And say, I called the fireman. You'll recognize the fox, you know. It'll be slightly limping. You say, I called the fireman. It'll return to the scene of the crime. He'll be back when he's makes to say, I was up there, you know. Tom, very interesting, you say that. The next night, he's back.

Back on the fence. Yep. He on the fence. Yep. He hasn't learnt. Well, maybe he just really likes firemen. Best night on my life, that was. Trapped again. Save me. Save me.

I'm not calling them this. I know where you're up to, mate. I'm not calling them. This time, he was the hose. It saved me, saved. The boy who cried Fox. Right. Well, I think that's, I think that's, that's burping. Sorry, I threw a lot, I threw a lot of problems at you.

Right, it was all great. But it's a pleasure to hear them. It's fresh, you know what I mean? It's fresh. It was a pleasure to hear them, Joe. It really was. It was a pleasure to have you on the show as well. Thank you a pleasure to hear it. It's fresh. You know, I mean it's fresh. It was a pleasure to hear them Really was it was a pleasure having you on the show as well. Thank you so much for doing it. Oh, thank you for having me Thank you. I'm really pretty to see you face. Yes, but it's been a real treat. Is there anything you want to plug by the way? I've got very little one at the moment

I wish ever a well No, no, no, I'm fine. Don't worry about me Yeah, output is that a minimum at the minute. That's okay. That's okay, John. That's okay. Hey, no judgment. John, thanks so much for coming on the show. Thank you boys. Well, there you go. As episodes go, an absolute blinder. Yes, stick that in your iTunes reviews, please. We'd love that.

Put something in the iTunes reviewers. Yeah, let's get this podcast. Listen to Shell. We recommend it to friends if you know who they are. Otherwise, hop on the Patreon. If you know your friends are. If you know your friends are. Some actually don't know, do you?

Sometimes you just don't know. We've really learned in lockdown. Our friends really are. But yeah, do recommend it. And yeah, join the Patreon, hop on, take apart in the community. It's all fun over there. Otherwise, this episode was produced by producer Corsum. Corsum team. Thanks for listening everyone. Cheers everyone.

Bye! Word you please Upstanding upstanding for the picture neighborhood watch pop it up pop it up pop it up pop it up pop it up pop it up pop it up pop it up pop it up pop it up pop it up pop it up pop it up pop it up pop it up oh yeah over there what's going on a sea it's a little treat for you and me and me and me and me. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Alright! Alright! Alright! For the money in the free rights! Alright! I rest!

Alright! Oh! Let me tell you about my friend. I saw them over there. I, I, I, I was around and I said, what's going on? When you're up in my hair. Oh, come on friend! Don't you come and climb up this ladder and there you said I can't

Cos my name is gall bladder All right All right, it was one for the money in the three red Well here we go word here I am and I'm up a tree. I don't know why I'm that but I'm feeling really free. What? What? What? Whoa?

Who? Who won? Good point. What about doing up the street? What? I don't fall. All right. All right. All right.

All right. All right. Rest my case. Alright! Alright! Alright! Alright! Alright! Alright! Alright! Alright! Alright! Alright! Okay! Rest my case! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha What's her name? It's my friend. It is Helen Lewis. Her name is my friend. Alright, alright is my friend. Alright, alright is my friend. I rest my case. Case.

Well, I was resting my case on Patry. And I was feeling really free. My leg was strong, but so was my arm. What's wrong with that you say? There is nothing wrong with that. Here's my friend. His name is Dad. I'm strong. All right. All right. Oh, one of the most recent.

My case. The last you've been trying to all right. His name is my friend. His name is my friend. His name is my friend. His name is my friend. Well let me tell you about my friend. His name is my friend. And every time I hear his name, it sounds me round the bend. And let me tell you what I know about that cheeky guy. Well, everything does let me tell you it makes me cry. It's sometimes he obsits me and sometimes he gets on my nerves and I say why you treating me

like I'm some kind of purve and he says listen to me a friend my name is my friend. I only did it. What is it? He says listen to me. You good friend. I'm only doing it for a Josh that's why they call me a David Macintosh My name is my friend. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. I Rest my case. His name is my friend. Well, let me tell you about my friend name. It's my friend. I risked him I tell him about my home strong Kaki Kaki mate Kaki, he's fucking

Kaki, Kaki's resting his case Oh, my case, my case, way too early then Fuck, fuck he's resting his case! Oh, I'm resting my case way too early then I'm fine. He's saying... Oh! Let me tell you about my friend. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's my friend.

Oh yeah. I have very strong arms, but not as strong as his legs. His name is Brian Ed. His name is Matt Briggs. they is Brian Ed his name arrest my friend well let me arrest my case I'm gonna arrest it on your face and then I'll teach you the alphabet you're really gonna learn it eight to be in C to D E F G H H

Charger K L M N O P Q R S T U V V V X L-M-N-O-P-Q-R-S-T-U-V-V-V-X-R-Z! That's it! Rosalyn Burnett, R-R-S-M-A-K-S! My name is my friend. My name is my friend. And it's one for the runny and the green run. Oh, put the shut, R-S-M-A-K-S! Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

Well, let me tell you about my friend, and you're not gonna believe their name. Their name is my friend. It's just the same. Their name is my friend. But every time we go out, we always drive around in our ladder. That's right, I'm gonna talk

about my very good friend, Tashi Radar. Oh, oh, my friend is my friend. Her name is my friend. Her name is my friend. Oh, we... We... We... K-S. E-E-E-E.

You're all my friends. Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman planting her course to free to pat in love for. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Four things.

A woman plotting her course to free them at in luck. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Poor things. It's the like theaters, December 15th.