Pappy's Flatshare - Beef Brothers Cold Cuts w/ Josh Weller S12E38

Episode Date: October 17, 2022

The Beef Brothers are here to sort out your beef with special guest Josh WellerJosh Weller - https://twitter.com/joshwellerPappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetIf you have a flatshare-based beef you'd like us to solve then send it to [e-mail] you’d like to donate to the Children’s Hospital Pyjamas appeal, the easiest way is to visit their Amazon wishlist page:https://tinyurl.com/kmh2dpsfMore details are available on their website and social mediawww.childrenshospitalpyjamas.co.ukhttps://www.facebook.com/Childrenshospitalpyjamas/https://www.instagram.com/childrenshospitalpyjamas/https://twitter.com/pyjamasmiles19#SpreadingLoveThroughComfort  Registered Charity No: 1185739Support us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareProduced by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman planting her course to free to pat in love for. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Four things. It's like theaters for December 15th.

BANG! Greetings, Lister dear, I'm Tom. I'm Ben. Hi, I'm Matthew and welcome to another exciting episode of Papi's Flat Share Beef Brothers Cold Cuts. Uggy, uggy, uggy. Oh, cold, cold, cold. It's a, it's a cool, good this week.

We've got a brilliant guest in Josh Weller, who is a very, very funny stand up and absolutely fantastic. I think as we say at the end, brilliant on Instagram as well. If you don't follow him already, very, very funny online, well worth a follow. He is great. Well, by the way, if you do enjoy Josh Weller and you'd like to hear more, get on the Patreon, patreon.com forward slash Pappy's Flat Share. There'll be a bonus beef with Josh, but don't, you need to worry about that right now because you're about to hear a bunch of beefs with Joshweller, enjoy. Well, if you've got a problem, I'm calling a problem, if you've got a problem call it a beef, if you've got a beef,

maybe we can help you be from the sorting at your beef. Well, Joshweller, thanks for coming on the show. Thank you so much for having me. What kind of a person would you say are you to live with? Do you live with anyone? Yes, I do, yeah, I have two housemates up until very recently, one now looking for another. Are you a killer?

Yes. This is great because we've been wanting to branch out into the True Crime podcast, Mark. Finally. Finally, this is so true. This is such true crime. Is there any chance? Is there any chance Josh, we could ask you the question,

are you a killer? And you could sort of spin it out of a seven or eight episodes rather than just saying yes immediately. Yeah, start with the main day shit. Well, I've already ruined it, haven't I? Yeah, well, we'll cut all this out. Don't worry, this is okay. I'm an increasingly difficult housemate,

I think, I used to be a lot easier to live with. And now that I have, basically like the anxiety I have about finding a new housemate in my mid 30s, cause there's no sane people in their mid 30s looking for a housemate. There are none. There are none. All the same ones have paired off. Is that what they're all off?

Yeah, they're all off. Everyone's off the market. It's all you build a lot. Genuinely, because I live in East London, everyone who wants to live in my house is, not my house, in the house that I live in, is like a 23 year old with a million power. I just don't understand how all these kids suddenly have money. Yeah, because we don't have any money. No, exactly. Yeah. And they will, we are such losers to these kids. You know, we're like the lost generation of like, like, buying flowers in a house we can't afford to buy. We're all just such

losers to these, these young kids who just learn how to use an iPad when they're four and now they're on a hundred grand a year. You can hear how hard a housemate I am. Just from me talking. I want to kill now. You just give it to me my motive. And my housemate who just moved out was such a good housemate. There's just no, like he was one of my best friends. A fellow loser. He had a good coffee machine and he took it with him as well. Yeah, and we would play Mario Kart and we, you know,

and now he's in love like a dick. No Yeah, so he's got a now I have to find some and there's no I'm not gonna find anyone normal You've got to split him up. Yeah, you've got to get in there You've got to split him up Dr. Do some sort of fight yourself catfishy tinder swindling type stuff. Yeah, get in amongst it Catfishy, Tinder Swingloring type stuff, yeah, get in amongst it. Prize them apart in some way, it's got to happen. We're not suggesting murder here by the way, I should...

Yeah, we can't... I should clarify that. I can't stress that enough. I think it's set in stone, I would love to be able to... Because they're now buying a house. Oh, right. Yeah, it's... Great time to buy, guys.

Great time to buy. They couldn't have picked a better period in history. How you quasi-quart, I might be your saving grace here. He might be your knight in shining armor. And this guy, my ex-housemate is one of my, I've known him since I was about 19 and he was talking to me about stamp tax and like all this house. And I asked him, I was like, so what's house the house buying gang? And he was like, oh, so the roof surveyor that, and about 10 seconds into talking, I genuinely thought, I can't be a friend anymore. I'm out. I don't care about hearing you talk. I hate this conversation more than I like

our 10 year friendship. It happens. But then these phases happen and you go, oh, never be that person. And then you find yourself, you know, buying a house. Same with kids. Like, you know, I've got kids, Paris got kids. And, you know and it's like an immediate in with a certain type of person, that person being someone else who has kids, but totally boring mind-nummingly sort of crucifyingly boring to anyone who doesn't have kids, and it's the same with mortgages. It's like, I found myself like, I was on a stagdoo when I first bought my flat. When I was on a stagdoo, I don't like like sport or anything like that. So I didn't really have anyone to talk to on the stagdoo.

I didn't really know anyone. And then I found out I was also buying a house for the first time, which hung out for the whole week. It was great. Just two guys were like, yeah, we've got 70 common. We've got loads to talk about. And that's what happens. So you're right.

Yeah, you've actually got now got more in common with your 23 year old.com millionaire pals. Yeah, it's true, which is so bad for me. It just means I haven't grown up. Like I was talking to my mate the other day, I was just a kid. And suddenly they've all had kids. And these are all my best friends.

And he went, he was like, you should really have a kid. I went, why? Because it's just going to be weird. We can't invite you to stuff. I took a second and I just was like, do you not hear how mental a reason to bring a human being into the world just so I can come to your picnic? That's a mental concept. Yeah, but it's so, it's so we're big on the other side

of that coin where you, you have people who are having, we're all going to the park to have drinks in the park. We're starting at four o'clock and you go four o'clock. Who starts a fucking thing at four o'clock? You know, four o'clock, it's, you know, it's like, they look right short. They might have finished their nap, but dinner times at five,

so what am I gonna do? Go there for 30 seconds and leave, you know, it's so true that you're timeframe of what constitutes a day. The day begins at 5.30 and it ends at 9.30 and there's no latitude or longitude, there's no movement on that, this is what happens. And anyone who goes, hey, do you want to meet in the pub at 8?

You're like, yeah, what? What, 90 minutes before I go to bed? No, thank you. I got this a lot from one of my friends. He'll call me sort of 5, 10 past 8, and be like, okay, I've got like 15 minutes. Let's go for a pint. We've got time for a pint.

We've got 15 minutes on it. Like he's found quailudes or something. You know? You know? He's got a 15 minutes on it. Like he's found quailudes or something. Yeah, you know. You know. He just downs one point every five minutes and then sprints home. He's like, no, I haven't been drinking. By the time the three points kick in,

I'll already be asleep. So no one will even know. Smuggles, I'll have smuggled the contraband into the house in my own body. All right, so I'm sorry we can't be pals. Well that's what we just established early doors, is that we're... No, we absolutely can be, but you have to just invite me to the stuff and then I can just come and eat the food and hang out with...

I think the biggest thing we've established is Clark, he's desperate to be your housemate because I mean, you're a lovely good coffee and play and get out with. I think the biggest thing was established is Clark, he's desperate to be your housemate because I mean, you're a lovely good coffee and playing. Get Mario Kart. His eyes absolutely lit up there. I don't have a kid. And you know what, as well, we watched No Rich. We watched Star Trek together and Star Trek, it was a real thing. It was a good to know.

I'm back out again. That's great. We're in front of the signing out your beef! Should we sell someone else's beef though? We might try and sort this out. We simply have to. We just really... We're contractually obliged to.

Otherwise, there wouldn't be much of a podcast out there. Right, this first one comes from Marcus via beefbrotherspodcast at gmail.com. Please do get in touch as Marcus did. This is Home Jim Beef. Dear Pappies and incredible guest. Great. My wife has a beef with me. Her beef is my solution to the lockdown blues, dumbbell exercise. I got into working out at home. I used to do this on my lunch break when my wife is also working at home. The problem? Sex noises. When I exercise from the next room,

it sounds like sex noises apparently. Colleges of my wife over Zoom calls can confirm. Also, no matter how many windows I open, the room smells like a locker room for a few hours. I save on gym fees and sneak in some exercise between meetings, but I create an audio brothel in a working from home environment. What do we do?

Yours in brotherly beef, Marcus. Wow, this is good. It doesn't sound like an Ian Brown side project, audio brothel. Hahaha. Did you see the footage of him? I do carry a key. It's astonishing stuff.

It's, he went on stage with no, with a backing track and no band and everyone jumped on him. And all the thing that I thought was funny was maybe just no one wants to be in his band. He has become a sort of, you know, chemtrails type conspiracy theorist, not a person. So it must be hard, you know, if that's what's his name, Paul Watson from Prison Planet, doesn't want to play bass for him. Then he's kind of run out of, you know,

he has got Alex Jones on drum, so he's run out of people to join in. And also, you know, like, you know, do like Doa Leeper, or you know, there's, I mean, maybe not her specifically, but there's a multitude of pop stars who use a backing track live. And times are hard for musicians. And I think, I think I think

I think Givin Brown, let Gidin Brown and the Tories a chance is listen mate I know you want to be a millionaire 20-year-old but this isn't the way to do it okay sorry sorry back to the audio brothel sorry back to back to Marcus in his his audio brothel do you do you work to Marcuson is his audio brothel. Do you do you work out your workout person? I bought a I so I have a gym membership. So I bought a gym membership the week of lockdown. Right.

Just just just stupid just a their all closing up. You thought yeah, yeah, I know you know what I paused it and I what I've realized since is I got it at like a real knock-down price because they knew that they were closing. So they were just trying to like harvest subscriptions. And I didn't use it for two years. I bought a bike that I put in the attic with like a, what's it called? Like a gyro so you could exercise on a bike.

Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I did that and now I go to the gym, but I'm not very, I'm not a very good gym. I like, I go, but I either use the exercise bike or the sauna, that's sort of it. Okay, so we have to solve Marcus's problem, right? We have to solve his problem. Yeah, yeah, we have to work out what to...

Well, there's two problems, which is the sounds and the smells. I think I'm gonna say the smell you're not solving. I'm just gonna write that one off. Everyone stinks when they exercise. You have to... It's self-glade plugin. Yeah, sure. Plug it into your ass while you're exercise.

But that's a more sex noises though, that's the problem. That's why you're exposed. But that's more sex noises though, that's the problem with that. He needs like a stage fan and an open window. Right, one of the big giant ones, like you see on the London Underground, the big metal, yeah. Yeah, the sort of thing that you could, you know, you could undo your hair, like a hair mesh or a pigeon sort of, yeah, yeah, yeah, that sort of thing that you could, you know, you could, uh, undo, in a hair, like a hair mesh and a shirt and sort of, yeah, yeah, yeah, that kind of thing.

He's gonna look great. Yeah. Yeah. He's gonna look great working out in this wind tunnel. He's gonna look like, um, he's gonna look like Earth Song, isn't he? If you get alone leaves and stuff in your gym as well that sort of fly and past you, you can really, you can really Earth Song it up in you, in you. Well, that sex noise is again, isn't it?

Exactly. Oh! Oh! Oh! Woo! We've done to the world. That's why I said we're having sex as well. What have we done?

It's my sex noise. What have we done? What have we done? What have we done? What have we done? What have we done? It's my sex noise. What have we done? What have we done? It's my sex noise. What about us? Is there a route to monetize these sex noises are so good, according to his partner's colleagues they are?

I don't think I said they're so good, but they're so good. They're so good. They're like the more of them. They're being confirmed as sex noises by her car. They're so authentic, yeah. They're authentic, yeah. There is money to be made from authentic sex noises. So I'm told, people will pay good money online for that kind of content.

Do you think so? Just the audio. Just the noises. Yeah. Or is he going to become like a foliarist for? For porno I don't have foliarist to the importers. I think what you I think what you hear is what you get I've heard some stuff

Never correlated with anything I've done when I hell of a job Well, you got their raw pork chop and a spatula? Yeah, I'm off to work. What you do, I'd rather not say. LAUGHTER Is it not, actually, that what he needs is a banging workout playlist so that he can work out to music, that he can kind of run to long to, you know, to...

You can... Well, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no music, it would fit the kind of, you know, it would just sound like a particularly aggressive song. Is that not the thing? Why is he working out in silence? You know, what's... No, he might have his head, but he might have a... Take the head, right, firstly, like, she should have headphones in and a directional mic, right, for the...

That's what I was gonna say she needs she needs a good condenser mic Yeah, and and and and some noise cancelling headphones and that he's got that in soft then that's yes But also like I know he said awesome guests, but what kind of fucking guy just makes that if you went to the gym and someone was doing that You know like people don't really make noise when they're lifting weights. The loudest they get is like, pfft, it's never like, it's never like this coming from exercise bike and sauna. Come on mate.

You never wake the little weight in your dick. I think he needs to just be quiet. Well, there is another suggestion there, which is get in some exercise buddies, and you will probably, I think the freedom of exercising alone is allowing him a little bit too much vocal freedom. I think if he was in a gym,

I think Josh is absolutely right. If he was in a gym, he wouldn't be making this kind of noise. So maybe we get a couple of work buddies in with him, just to spot him, get your night, like ask around your neighbours or someone, see if anyone fancies becoming a workout buddy, and then you'll probably be making less sex noises. Unless you start having a lister to fear.

I think what you should do is play the long game, right? Stop exercising, get grossly out of shape to the point where you have some sort of pulmonary cardiac problem. And then, and then, and then his wife will go, oh, this is really bad, you need to work out. And he goes, well, I don't want to make any noise. And she goes, well, that's better than you dying. And then he can just be as loud as he wants. Get yourself to death's door. Why haven't we thought of this before? Ha ha ha ha. Get yourself as ill as you possibly can.

Yeah. Yeah, eat yourself into diabetes and just get yourself really, you know, sort of both overweight and malnourished at the same time and then any noises will be a blessing. Because it will stop. Perfect. I mean, I guess it's a win-win because the only thing is, what if she's like, now I'm

on the Zoom call and all I can hear is your death rattle? That's the other problem. All I can hear is you rattling away. There is nothing worse than that on the Zoom call, is that? When someone is dying, can you mute yourself, please, guys, I can hear the just you kind of rambling away. Maybe there is nothing worse than that on a Zoom call, is there? When someone is dying, can you mute yourself, please guys? I can hear the death rattle. I hate it.

Okay, what about this? Then he starts making love completely silently until she misses the sex noises. That's cool. It's all on nothing. You either have sex noises. That's cool. It's like, it's all on the thing. You either have sex noises or not. Yeah, you can't have some sex noises. But you know that if you can do the sex

without making the noises, then you can definitely work out. This is what I'm wondering though, is there, because granted, you might have to, if you're straining, make a noise. But can you change the noise you're making? How old that's a good idea. I think you, I mean surely you must be able to, like dumbbell exercise is all about control, isn't it? It's not about kind of like, it's about, like, you know, it's about your, what do they call it, your form. So if you can have like good physical form,

surely you should be able to have sort of good vocal form. Yeah. Like if instead of grunting you like shout something. I don't think that's better. But it's inherently unsexual. I think the problem is not the noise pollution itself, it's the type of noise pollution. So if we can change that, who's

the police academy guy that can do all the noises? Yes, Michael Williams does that. If you could just make it sound like a kettle boiling. Yeah, if you could just, you know, every time he lifts up a dumbbell he just goes, honk honk like a car. Yeah, should've just looked at this traffic. That was remarkably like a car as well. Thank you very much For the list there are high-school winds low-in a car didn't just drive past that was just Josh making that noise

Amazing, absolutely amazing. That's also my sex noise as well I bet sex with Michael Winslow is an absolute feast I bet sex with Michael Winslow is an absolute feast. I bet it is. Oh, it's a literal bells and whistles. He's a literal bell and whistles. Although he would constantly make it sound like you're farting all the way through it. That was why one of his big plays, wasn't it?

Any time that Proctor was walking along, he always make it seem like Proctor was farting all the time. So he definitely threw that in a couple of times. And you'd always think your CV radio was on. But like the laugh, will it be great? Turn on the wind tunnel. So I think getting Michael Winds like to move in as a house mate is the best answer. Start exercising with him, start f***ing him, you have a wonderful time. There you go.

Leave your partner for Michael Winds like from police academy. Great, even stay with us right in the face, I can't believe it took us so long to get to that. We've done it. Be solved. Be from the zoning I can be! You've solved! Hi beef brothers and esteemed guests. I think my neighbour is waging psychological warfare on me. Someone on my street has been parking their car quite closely to my driveway, making

it awkward to get our car in and out. They're parked in what is technically a no parking zone, but because I'm nice, slash afraid of conflict, I opted to write them a very polite note asking if they can park slightly further from our drive. I'm talking super polite, and then she's quoted a bit from the letter. It would be super great if you could park a little further over. Thanks, exclamation mark, and then old school smiley face emoji, colon, close bracket.

Great. Plus, I signed it with my name and house number. No pass, ag, passive, aggressive, anonymous notes here. I popped the note in a ziploc bag. Pfff. Got one braces, gotta do it. I popped the note in a ziploc bag because it's been rainy and slipped under their windscreen wipe out because I don't know which house the driver lives in.

They've moved their car, but they've left the note on their windscreen. It's been days now, over a week, and the note is still there. Today, to expect me to remove the note for them, why is it still there? Have they been driving around? Have they been driving around with it on their car? Should I take the note back and leave a thank you for moving the car? What are they playing at? What should I do, beef bros?

Cheers everyone, bye! Eleanor! Oh wow, that's a good beef. That was a great beef. You used to go where it went? No. That's lovely. It's really good.

Well, how's Eleanor checked that there isn't a note of reply in there? Because you could have actually got yourself a new neighbour friend and a penpal. I would go and check the pigeonhole and check that there isn't actually a note that says, dear Eleanor at 172, thanks so much. I've moved my car now. Happy using your driveway. Lots of love. You can't go back to the note.

You can't go back to the note. You can't go back. You can't approach the car. It's like a little bit of lip firework. It's not a note anymore, is it? It's like a little bit of a lip firework. It's not I know anymore is it It's a simple bag Go make a nice cheese and pickle sandwich some starbursts and a cap of sun pop it in the in the ziplock bag as a thank you And then they'll be that's that's a that's called a that's a meet cute. Isn't it? It is it's it's a meat cut slash love bombing them, I think. It depends on how, yeah,

that it depends on the neighbor, really. I, yeah, I mean, I think this could be, that it seems like it's unresolved business. And I think Eleanor needn't think. Seeing as it happened, as soon as the note arrived, the car was moved immediately, and it didn't even think there was anything sudden nefarious going on. Why haven't they moved the note? It's so bizarre, it's so funny. I wonder what they moved the note? Because they want more contacts. It's a little...

It's a never embarrassed. But if they're embarrassed, they just take the note off and chuck it in the bin. If they wanted more contact, they'd write a reply, put it in the zip-up bag, put it on her car. Yes, good point. All through her door. And she said which number she could put it in the door. You've got to play the game. You pass it back.

There's no big deal. Yeah, you're right. Show it's tennis. You have to wait for balls to come back. If you're embarrassed, you take the letter off. What? I have to say. They're in a rush, right?

They're walking past their car on the way to the track. They're in a rush. They're in a rush, right? They're walking past their car on the way to the train or something and they're like, right, I'll move it and then they've rushed off to the train. And if they've moved their car again, basically.

Yeah, that's what, I think that it's one of two things which is that either, like, I've got a shoe rack that broke, which has been by, like, I've got a shoe rack that broke, which has been by my front door for a month, and it's just because I'm lazy, because I just, I don't, I don't, how do you throw away a shoe? So I think that's quite likely,

or he moved the car once, which caused the sort of butterfly effect thing that he died, and it's hurt. Yeah. Yeah. He would have been fine but he stopped, moved the car and then got hit by the train. Exactly and had he not moved the car he'd still be alive and his kids wouldn't be hungry. Sliding doors yeah and those kids are looking at that ziplock bag. And he started, daddy has daddy left because of

that lunch. So we suggest in that Eleanor is not necessarily wittingly but a murderer because this fits in very well with untrue crime broadcasts. We're trying to go around. If only we could, she, she, she started a series of events that led to the immediate death of her neighbor. However, it will free up a space on the street. Yeah, I mean, you know, her problems are solved, basically. I think, I mean, do we just say, just stop worrying about the note. Just be thankful that it worked, you know. Do you, Tom, do you think, because I know you're anti-going back to the note,

but do you think this is an acceptable middle ground? If you go back, remove the first note and put in a thank you note as a way of kind of climbing down from the initial note. I think you've put a thank you note through the door or I don't think we're moving on and putting a, no, it's two ways. I think our only option is to fucking zip lock bag

and know every car on the street now. And then everyone is in the same boat and then it won't stand out. And it's like, stay the fuck away from my drive. Everything just zipock everyone. I just, yeah, get one big ziplock bag and put the car in it. Ziplock bag the car.

Ziplock bag the car. It's been staring us right in the face all this time. You're actually doing them a favor, you know, because like the people who cover up their cars, they last for ages, don't they? You know, they don't get any of it. If it has been raining, you know, if like the people who cover up their cars, they last for ages, don't they? You know, they don't get any, if it has been raining, you know, if you've got a ziplock bag over your car, you're not getting any rust damage on your car. Keeps the friction sin. You're keeping that, exactly. You're going to have, you know, you're going to have that car for an extra two, three years if you've got your car

on a ziplock bag every single night. If you're driving that car around in a ziplock, if you're basically zorbing, sort of like in a deflated zorb, your car around the street. Oh, it's going to last for years. And it's going to put off people breaking into the car. Exactly. There are two cars next to each other, right? Both similar age and make all that kind of thing. And one's in a ziplier bag. You're robbing the catalytic converter out of the other one, aren't you? There's no way you're going for the ziplier. Yeah, that's a good point. Who the fuck is stealing catalytic converters?

What? All down our own. That's what's happening on our road. Are you serious? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The reason I'm saying it is, because it's an epidemic down my road at the moment. You were kidding.

No, that means I have to go under the car. Oh, yeah. That's what I do, yeah. There's real money in it. Well, I go home, my mom's area of full of amped and they got it done. Whenever I go home, my mom's like, have you got a catalytic converter on your car?

Bring your car on the drive. Can I ask you a practical question? Did diesel cars have catalytic converters? Some of them do. Are you concerned? No, because I went to a garage when I was 18 years old, and the guy went, yeah, you need a catalytic converter. That's what's gone.

And I paid like 400 quid. And then I took it to my uncle, who's a mechanic, and he just went, your car doesn't have a catalytic. No, no! What? Yeah. Oh, mate, that's...

They just saw you as a young wet behind the years buck and thought, oh, we can do it. And you know what? It was the garage in Rompford next to the harvester. Just for if they're still there, I know. I fucking know. Did you not go... I mean, what can you do? You can't go back to it.

I was 18! No, I just... Oh, I'm not going to go argue with... Did you not go to your uncle in the first place? I'd moved to London Right, it was it was a diesel per Joe 306 so maybe I could I mean I should just look it up and find out but Yeah, there's no way no inmate. There's no way no, and that's the sad thing with it That's that is the that's the absolute nightmare. That's what I you can do. That's the absolute nightmare.

That's why I always worry is happening every time I go to a mechanic. They're just saying I need a thing. And giggling it up behind my back. Yeah, of course they are. So I can't, because they can tell, they can ask you one question, whatever their question is to check if somebody is an idiot.

They've asked it already, they know. Actually, do you know what? Whenever I have to put my car into a like a TMOT, just parking it. I'll just put it in over there, mate. My mind goes my head. Just seeing two guys in what you call like overalls watching me park a car and I just the second I get out the car I go what's it gonna be? Three thousand pounds? Come on you saw me attempt to parallel park it in between. Well first of all it's to a quick to flip it back

onto its wheels. It's one of the few like moments in adult life where you feel like you're back at school and it really, really fucks with your head, doesn't it? I went to collect my car and I went, I've come to collect my car, it's the bluer state, the Renault and the guy went, it's a perjure. I just thought, and you could see the dollar signs behind his eyes and he was like, Oh, this guy, he doesn't even know what car he's got. And then on hindsight, I was like, oh yeah, of course it's a perjure, but I just got so nervous. And then he was like, you know, it's like what he wants.

It doesn't matter how old you get, they'll always be the bigger boys. You know, they could be 19 and you're like, oh god, please don't put in me, just take this cash. Can you take the catalytic converter? Take the catalytic converter. I don't know what it does. I'll leave my catalytic sun converted, thank you. So what are we saying to Eleanor? What are we saying?

Stay all the fucking catalytic of hers and sit like that idea and leave on the bonnet of his car as a message. Like leave it on his pillow next to it, but he likes it for the word it. Faith solved. Faith from the zoning I can be! Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes, four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining a woman planting her course to Freedom It's non-stop bonkers brilliance I love that poor things. It's like theaters, December 15th

Tom, do you want to do the we've got a free range beef here? do you want to do the, we've got a free range beef here. Do you want to do the free range beef? Yes. I'd say this steak is very tender, sir. That's a, is because it's free range beef. Bow down. Cornish beef from Neil via beef brothers, podcast at gmail.com, getting touched touch, get in touch, get in touch.

Dear clocky, crossbow and parry. Now he hasn't mentioned the guests, but I'm gonna put that in there, and a steam guest. Josh Reller. I have a beef with my local corner shop. My wife and I live in Northeast London and I corner shop is the classic mid-size, sells everything corner shop.

Interjection, in America, do they call these bedagas? Yeah, bedagas, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a 7-11. Yeah. I wish we had, I wish we called them bedagas. I mean, anyway, you could as a little affectation. Ah, my wife's laying to my affectation. Yes, we've got enough already.

She's sitting there, yeah. I'll nip down to the bedagger and get us a loaf. She'd be like, don't come back. Just leave the loaf on the doorstep. Keep going. And is it like bags before the sun leaves? I have a beef yet. So it's a mid-size sales-everything corner shop.

We like to shop there instead of the local supermarket to shop local and keep the money in the community. It also has a better range of vegetarian and vegan foods than anywhere in the area. But after three years of going there, I'm tired of the different reactions and treatment my wife and I get when we enter the shop. Whenever my wife goes in,

she is greet us with the warmest smiles, the biggest hello's and all the love. Hello darling, how are you? Hello lovely, you're keeping well? The second I walk in, however, it all shuts down, and suddenly it's polite smiles at best. What is even worse is when I'm there on my own, and they treat me like they've never seen me before. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha friendly person and tends to be more welcoming to people

on first sight than I am. I will accept that. My approach is more transactional at the till. I don't want to be friends. Just apply my things and go. But it sounds like you're going to have to go. They have an incredible deal. But what I object to. Okay, sorry, sorry, sorry, the disingenuous way the people in the shop react to her present solo Versus how they harm and they can see I'm there too and even worse is how they treat me when I'm there alone I go there most days what should I do?

Suck it up and get over it call them out on, or sell out and shop at my local supermarket from now on. Yours forever in beef, Neil. Front names only. Now, we've got to pick him up on it. Why does he think it's disingenuous to treat your wife well? Why is that disingenuous? Surely, surely as somebody you've married, you think, well, if anyone treats her well, they've got, you know, they know what a wonderful, radiant, fantastic, amazing person she is, and that's where they treat her well.

And they know that I could not necessarily the most outwardly friendly person, and they treat me accordingly. It feels like they're being as ingenuous as it's possible to be. Yeah. I'm curious to know if this happens elsewhere in He's clearly married above himself and good on him

Yeah, that's I mean it sounds like they want to have sex with your wife, Neil. That's what it is. There is that. Sorry. Sorry to bring that. I mean, he must be aware of that. If he's married to her, that she's sounds like, you know, he sounds like you're punching. Yeah. Could it be that they are having sex with your wife?

Is it like, I don't get it. Let's not. It's like, there's this person, and when I'm not there, it's incredible. They get on so well that I arrive in suddenly. The moon just really bottoms out. It's like, oh, you've got a stream.

You're just stricken with guilt. Oh, they freeze up and don't know what to do, because they feel so bad that this lovely man has no idea. No idea. Is it a mental? It's bed amongst the lentils, isn't it? We've all been there. Can I call it a bowdiger?

Bowdiger? Bowdiger more like a married. Yeah. Baddaga's my 21st century rewrite. That's what I thought it was. Never mind. Don't worry Tom, we were already in the process of not minding. I have a similar problem in my local shop,

which is that it's a really good, just the fruit and veg outside, it's a huge rainbow of all this amazing stuff. And I grew up in Southeast Asia, so they have all these like vegetables from that part of the world and stuff, it's so good. And whenever I go in, I see the people who are like way more attuned to the Muslim faith

and like they just, I feel so energetic and alive when I'm in there, because the way that they talk to each other is so great and lovely and beautiful. And then I get to the front and they are literally like, fuck you mate, you're not. You're stupid hips, the haircut. And then I'll buy six bananas and they'll go, that's nine quid please. And I'm like, I'm stupid hips the haircut. And then I'll buy like six bananas, and they'll go, that's nine quid please. And I'm too proud. Oh, of course it is, yeah.

Yeah, cool. You know, I've got a similar thing as well. This rang true with me in that the coffee shop on the end of my road, which I love, and I do go there. I'd say three mornings a week, I'm there. And everybody else seems to know the people behind the counter. So like, it'll be the person in front of me,

we'll be like, hey, great to see you, how's the dog? It's kind of stuff. And then it'll get to me and they'll be like, yeah, what you want? D-D-Caf for Black Americano. Okay, yeah, yeah, just down there. Oh, the next person, oh, how was your holiday arm? And I don't know if I should be giving it a bit more,

if I should be saying, oh, by the way, I've got a dog and I went on holiday. You know, I'm gonna talk. I mean, both of these things are untrue, but you know, I've got a can of hand for the holidays. I've booked a holiday just to write something to talk to about. To be on the flip side of that coin, my local cafe I've been going to for 10 years,

and every time I go in, I have a black card discount there. It's only a couple of quid off every order, and to call it a black card is a little bit over the top, because it's just a little cafe. But whenever I go in, they're like, hey Josh, I this bump, the guy, the waiter, and I do feel when I look at everyone else,

I am like, yeah, fuck you to everyone else in there. I'm like, yeah, look at me getting prefer, I do love getting preferential treatment in there. It's so good. So that's what Neil has to do, right? That is what Neil has to do. Yes, he has to find a different place. This place is a write-off, right?

You're never gonna, you're never gonna best you want to make a place. Find a new place and become their star customer, become their hero of the month, you know, that's what you've got to do and be, and be made to without being too, like, you know, don't waste their time, go in there, buy something, but be, be friendly and huggerious and do your, you know, when you have to go, you know, when you have to turn on maximum meal, you know, for social occasions, when you've got a rampant meal up to 11,

that's what you're giving this shop, you know. Pick the shop that you think, oh, I'm gonna, I can get a lot of, you know, I can shop there regularly. And I reckon it's gonna be in pick a new shop. A shop, yeah, yeah. I've always wanted to try that shop, you know. And don't go, don't go one of the big chains because you'll never see the same faces.

So don't try and do, you know, your big chains, your big test go and then forget that. You've got to do another little independent shop local to you and just win them over, win them round. Locate the shop, but don't go in, go home, bake a nice cake. And take it and when you go in to buy your lion bar and your fridge, whatever it's called, milkshake, just give them the cake and go, hey guys, I just had a spare cake. I just baked it earlier, but I baked two, one practice one. And I just thought, my class might want a cake. Do you think, who's going to turn down a cake?

Do you think there's a bartering system that you're going on and going, you have to and then who's gonna turn down a cake? Do you think there's like a sort of bartering system that you're going on and going, you still have to pay for the lion by the fridge mate? We're not doing it. Oh yeah, it's so fridge- It's so fridge- Bloody hell, they really do sell everything. All right, no, so I was rehearsing Caledonia Road.

I was rehearsing and we were there for a week and a half. And so I'd get there half an hour before rehearsals so I could have a breakfast and there was only one calf. It's not a great area for cuisine right there. There's like one greasy spoon calf at best. So I went in there four days on the bounts and on the fifth day, and by that point they'd started saying, same again.

And I liked that so much that I was trapped in the breakfast order that I'd had two days on the banks. Yeah. I didn't want to change the order then because I was enjoying the same again. And then the two cafe staff, two of the women were talking about, they were going, oh, we're closing for Easter Bank holiday, which is a shame, because we won't get any chocolate eggs, will we? And they were like, yeah, no one's gonna get us any chocolate eggs.

So I went to the corner shop next to the bedaig and next door, and bought four Kinder Eggs, and then I pop back in. The town. It was, oh, and immediately had like a panic time, it was like, it wasn't going well. Just like it was, it was all, it was all,

oh mate. That's one of those things where you think this is such a good idea. Fuck yeah. And it just, oh, they were awkward and I was awkward and then oh And then I literally, I could never get it, it made me sweat Yeah, I couldn't go back Do you know what as well, Tom? It's because it's also it's predicated on the idea that you were listing in on their conversation It's not, it was, if they said to you, we're not gonna get any chocolate eggs this year and you're gonna, yeah, that must be tough

and then you dipped over the shop, it would be, that's a nice gesture. But rather, you're sitting there, they think you're, you know, looking at your notes for the rehearsal, they think you're not listening to them. They're kind of having a prior, even though it's a public space and they work there, they're kind of having a private conversation.

You listen in. And I didn't, I didn't want, I've done it once before in Exeter at the local fish and chip shop. And it worked really well. Oh, no, not really. Oh, I've done it once before in Exeter at the local fish and chip shop. Oh, no, not really well. Oh really? It worked really well because it was a really busy queue. The look on Josh's face right now, like there's no way. So that was this work as well.

I'm just, how many people, are you around when they say they want chocolate eggs? This is insane. I've never heard anyone. This, this wasn't eggs. This was an egg. This was cocaine. Yeah, this was cocaine. We need someone to get these drugs across the border. He did put them inside a Kinder Egg and then he smuggled them.

I was the Kinder Egg. I was that Kinder Egg. I was that Kinder Egg. Anyway, the fish and chip shop was packed and they were like, oh, bloody hell, it's been so hectic. I'd love some chocolate. Yeah, I'd love some chocolate. And then I put my order in and while I was waiting for it, I was like, I'm not not the game, it's the game. The shot's amazing. I love the chocolate.

That's so good. I was just chocolate. I've got, honestly, I must have a reputation now because people start saying they want chocolate when they're around me. They know it. Honestly. It went really well at one. They were like great and now I get good treatment in the fish and chip shop.

I had a similar thing. I was walking through a playground once and I heard these kids go, I'd love some chocolate. So I went to the... And suddenly I'm the bad guy. Oh, you're alright. But I actually do have some puppies in the woods. I don't know.

Come on. So what are we? What is our best time? I can't remember what the original beat was. Right, I think finding a nice shot with people treat you as well as you deserve to be treated because you're a lovely man, beef solved. Be from the zoning I can be!

Be solved! Josh, do you have a beef that you like us to try and solve? So in the pandemic, I had a big fallout with my neighbor because he owns the house next to me and he renovated the house. Long story short, year and a half long, very, very loud. They tore a hole in the roof of the house I live in. Oh, no.

And the builders were just like dicks. He was very, I had like screaming matches, like genuinely shouting with this guy on the street. Anyway, he finished the house, rented it out, and now these sort of four sort of, you know those like posh boys that are pretending they're not posh. You know those young and they're like,

they're like 23, 24, and they they're all paying like there's that age again Yeah, I know real being for about 23 year olds Let it go Josh. You never going back right? Just accept their pay like the exact they're paying all this money to live in this in this part of London and They're they're pretty loud, right? And I got points, I went over a couple of months ago and knocked on the door like one in the morning on a Monday night and was like and just went you guys need to shut the fuck up because I wasn't very, yeah I don't care about being nice to them

I don't you know I was been at war with their landlord for so long that the times of knocking on the door, there was three or four knock knocks, please keep it down. And then at one point it was a Monday night and I just flipped and I was like, and I just said, you need to shut the fuck up right now. Just shut up. I don't know who's paying your rent or just shut your fucking,

just turn off common people. You don't even sound like, so you don't even sound like fucking irony. The irony of the song that you're fucking listening to just shut up. And then he's, he shut the door, he went, well, there is a polite way to say it. And I just, and I put my foot in his door and went, which one of us is being in polite right now?

And I just, and I, and I went back in my house shaking. I was like, oh my God, what happened there? Oh, who am I? And now, whenever they're loud, I've done my bit. I can't keep going there. That was awesome. Yeah, you can't do that again. Maybe it was too awesome.

3.30 in the morning, the last two nights, I've been woken up by it. And here's the thing, to give those guys some credit, the noise is not that loud. I woke up last night and was about to go around. They're just having a chat and they've got the radio on. Did you manage to cover the hole in you sailing? It has been very loud. And I will say to their credit, it still wakes me up because the

landlord, when he renovated the house, he did it so poorly and cheaply that the wall between my bedroom and one of these guys' bedrooms is so thin. I woke up last night in the catering, sort of, he listened to like, I don't know, like it sounded like a modern 07, I don't know who that is now. And he's like chatting with his mate and I can hear them lighting something. And I realize I was like, they're not even being loud. But the landlord hates me so much

that if I go to him and I'm like, mate, what do we do here? He's just gonna tell me to go fuck myself because he hates me. This is a hard one, man. This is a hard one man. This is a really good one. This is a fucking toughy. Uh, fuck. I think you need to start exercising and making sex noise.

I did when he was showing people around the house genuinely, I genuinely plugged all my amps in and played cannibal corpse genuinely like in a movie Wow because he'd spent a year and a half shown like renovating making this colossal noise during the pandemic when we were all told to stay home so I couldn't even go out to get to not listen to it so when you started showing people around I did play cannibal corpse incredibly loud against the wall here. Do you think that actually acted against you because the 23-year-olds were like,

well if the name was making these question I was going to make as much noise as we like. I don't think it was those people that took the property, but I do think it acted against me and that he went fuck this guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess that's it, isn't it? Is there anything you can do? You know, if you've got a, like, soundproof studio, if you put, like, I don't know, like, yoga mats

or egg boxes on your wall, would that mean that the sound doesn't travel through, or does it mean it just... But I'm in my 30s, I can't... That's a good point. I can't put fucking cake, I can't... Go on, by learning eggs, I just, I can't do that. You can't pay me today. I'm a bad student. Yeah, you can. I already think you, I can't, I can't do that to me. I can't pay you an end to my bedroom.

Yeah. They already think you're a loose cannon, right? You've got that in your favor. Like, you're like, you're like, you're close, you know, Rayleigh Oster in Goodfellas where he kind of crosses the road. You're kind of, you've no, yeah. They know you've got that in your locker.

To piss away somebody. I think there's just like one or two weird flexes, just to remind them of that they're dealing with a potential psycho. Like next time it's raining, if you like, tuck your shirt off and when it's stood on your driveway and just stared through their window or something.

Like, let your in love with them. Oh, that's so good. I was like, hold the boom box over your head. I was like, not in the rain at the last about 30 seconds for a game of your cuts out. But like, you just got to, I think it's like a reach something that no one could say you were intimidating them, but they're gonna be thinking about it.

They're gonna be going, fuck, is that guy? Yeah, and if they went to the police, the police would go, all he did was stand opposite your house with a shirt off drinking a you know bottle of fridge. Yeah, yeah, do Undercut you slightly Okay, I'm never seen a man eat a lion bar in one bite before it was fucking over Just like it would have to be a sort of manly on bike before it was fucking over. Just like it would have to be a sort of manly lecure or something, wouldn't it?

Yeah, like a Bailey's or something, yeah, yeah. Like a really little sherry class. Like a phrase here, like a sherry, just a little, like a little, just sipping it, miniature girl. Tiny little crew class. Like a side show, Bob, kind of, Malice. Yeah, that's good I that's

what I'm picking up on is like so it's definitely gonna be a Kelsey Grammar themed character right the tree psychos I do what you could do as well is if you it in a lot more Tom's lines there if if it sounded, if they wake you up, you have a power tool nearby and you just make it sound like you're, because they'll be able to, if you can hear them, they can hear you, make it sound like you'd like, like, curl up a body or something. How do you make that sound like you're curting up a body? How are you, what, what, as see like a live body so you sort of like do the power tool and scream at the same time I went out one one day in the summer after he'd been like making noise all night. I just looped I wanted that way and Push my speaker right I began to want to just went out all day and just came back eight hours later, and it was still playing

Yeah, I really like yeah, Yeah, I'm that guy. So the problem is slightly you. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's cool. It's cause and effect. Yes. So you, you play, I want it that way for eight hours. It's caused them to have a conversation. No, no. He do kind of lose your moral high ground. They've had a party with friends because they're just young. And you play that street voice for eight hours. Yeah, but that's something that's what I'm trying to do. It's a barrier to be fair to you. It's a good song.

You could have at least gone with a phrase of soundtrack. Baby I hear that blue, the collings, and all the scram board eggs and you're just holding a drill in the range. Baby I hear the drill, I can't hear that salad and scram board eggs. I think you've already set out a couple of big markers there. I'm a bit afraid of you. Yeah, I think an apology in a ziplock bag is what I would suggest. Have you tried going to their parties? Yeah, that's it. Befriend them. You need a house mate mate. one of them has an eyebrow bar

And the other one has a wallet chain I can't oh what you need is a really strong magnet That's so good. It's so good. Magnet through the wall. You'll be able to like move them around on the other side. Oh my God. Ah, one is the way. Be solved.

Be solved. Be solved. Be solved. Josh, thank you so much for coming on the podcast. I hope you had a good time. I hope we've solved some problems with the rest of the day. I hope you've had a good time. I hope you've solved some problems with the rest of the day. I hope you've had a good time. I hope you've solved some problems with the rest of the day. I hope you've solved some problems with solved. Beef solved. Josh, thank you so much for coming on the podcast. I hope you had a good time. I hope we've solved some problems for you.

Definitely solve some problems for other people. Where can people find your comedy? I mean, I'm doing shows all the time, but just follow me on Instagram or Twitter. Not even Twitter, Twitter's a horrible place now. Twitter's just the worst. But follow me on Instagram, which is just Josh Weller. I think it's Josh Weller or Josh Weller, Josh Weller. I don't know, but that's the best place to find out about future gigs and stuff like that.

Yeah, and also, just, you've got a brilliant Instagram. It's a very fun Instagram. I love it. Really funny. Oh, thank you. And you do a podcast It's a very funny Instagram, I love it, really funny. Oh, thank you. And you do a podcast with our charm, Alfie Brown, don't you? Yes, we have a Formula One podcast, if anyone listening to this, you know what? Even if you don't like Formula One, no, don't listen to it, it would make no sense,

but it would be, it's the worst podcast if you don't like Formula One. It's so shit and niche, but if you like Formula One, it's called Dirty Air and it's a weekly, it's a weekly podcast that is a honest take on the absolute insane world of Formula One because there is no one actually taking the piss out of that stupid sport That I love well, thanks a man for coming on the podcast. It's been a total pleasure having you on and See you soon Thanks so much for having me see you soon guys take care cheers buddy I did enjoy that I did yeah, you know you've got it and

I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it as well, man. I haven't listened to it, but I did enjoy it. We've literally just tried to have it, we've just finished the record. So it was great. Josh is brilliant, do a go and see him do his comedy and do follow him on Instagram. He's fantastic. Yes, go to the Patreon as well for a Patreon.com forward slash Pappy's Flax Share where you can get not only the bonus beef

with Josh Weller, bonus beef with loads of our guests, and a brand new episode of Pappy's Flax Share pop round every single week. I don't want to be a dick about it, but I don't see many other people out there churning out the kind of shit that we churn out. Please go up for us. Don't be asking me any dick about it. It's been brutally honest, actually. any other people out there, churning out the kind of shit that we churn out. Please got a press. I think it's been brutally honest, actually.

You get a lot of stuff going on over here. Do you know what, sometimes you go on someone's Patreon and they've got a handful of patrons and I'm sure they're really enjoying it and you look at how many things you get when you join their Patreon. It's like 12 things. We, you know, we must be close to 400 things if you join our Patreon. I don't want to be a dick about it, but you listen to these other podcasts and they do one thing every week, then they do it again, then they do it again. We do like loads of different things and we do them again. They do one thing very well. Yeah. And we do, we do lots of things.

Pretty, pretty well. Pretty okay. Yeah. Yeah. Come on. It is a good way of supporting the podcast. If you enjoy the free feed and you would like to check us a little bit of money, that would be amazing. Fork of months get you all the bonus episodes. I think eight could of months get you the bonus video as well. Plus it also gets you early tickets for our shows like the Christmas show which we're going to be announcing very, very soon. So get on board for that. Very, very quickly, very, very quickly before we wrap up. Oh, yeah. More correspondence about earbuds, the old earpods.

Yes! It's, it's really sparked something. It's really peaked the interest of the listeners. What happened there? I'm dead a little burp, I think. Did you shout yes and then burp? Oh, sorry, I said yes quite high pitch. The dog next door started barking

and whilst I was listening to the dog next door barking I did a burp I let my guard down, because I'm going to burp. You let your guard down and they pulled the dog. It's done. I was thinking about the dog and I wasn't thinking about not burping. Do you know what Tom? I'm going to say the dog, you don't need to blame the dog on this. It was you know blaming the dog is, you're audibly burped into a microphone.

You can't go, oh a dog barks and I forgot I was doing a podcast. If I stop thinking about not burping I will burp. Okay, let's try and focus this. I'm always having to deal with that. See if you can make, if you can control your inagass and focus this. I'm always having to deal with that. See if you can make, see if you can control your inagassas during this. This is from Will via Papi's flat share at gmail.com. Please do get us.

I know there's a Will as a way. There's certainly a year's time. A week after I got a new pair of earbuds, I tried to take one out and put it back in its case, one handed. Oh, but we've all tried it. Dropped it and watched in horror as it bounced and rolled across the pavement and plopped

Straight into the drain on the ice drinks Oh Fuck them. Oh, no. I came back later to fish for it with powerful magnets dangling on a string Unsuccessful crossover. No, yeah, it's true. Yeah The old the old insane clown posse. I came ladies and fish with the powerful magnets dangling on a string, unsuccessful. You get some funny looks from pastas, but if you do that, will. Well, I'm sorry, Will.

It's a tragic tale. They really are a total pain in the ass, even if they're in your ears. But we just, we're slaves to it, aren't we? We're slaves to them, Apple. We're in thrall to it. What've you got there, Tom? They're slaves to them. Apple. We're in thrall to it. What you got there Tom? They're my tiny magnets.

Oh, yeah. Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. So my fingers. Yeah. That's about 20 magnets. They're like the size of a pinhead. Yeah. They are really tiny magnets. So small. And how much did 40 cost you? Four quid. Oh, there we go. Oh, there you go. It's not that way you pay for that. I'm not complaining. I'm delighted by them. Anyway, they are wonderful magnets, Tom. Thank as always. It was produced as ever by Emma Corsham. Corsham team. I'd say, seriously, cheers everyone. Bye!

Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman planting her course to free to act in love for. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Four things. It's like theaters December 15th.