Pappy's Flatshare - Beef Brothers Cold Cuts w/ Lauren Pattison S10E46

Episode Date: November 17, 2020

The Beef Brothers are here to sort out your beef with special guest Lauren PattisonLauren Pattison - https://twitter.com/laurenpattisonPappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetIf you have a flatshare based beef you'd like us to solve then send it to [e-mail] us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareProduced by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman planting her course to freedom at a lot for... It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Four things. It's like theaters December 15th.

Greetings! Listen a dear! We're back! We're back! We're back again! Nice actually, yeah, I'm doing it. I don't recognize it. I mean, I don't know what you're intending to do. The next time we go at it, it'll be like, we'd all have a different we're back. Oh, okay. Do you want to give it a go? We can always give it a go. I'm happy to do it. We're back. We're back. We're back again. I'm Tom. I'm Matthew.

Oh, I'm Matthew. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. There it is. Oh, it's good to watch these things on the show, I think. You know those improvised musicals? we never got asked, we never got invited to be a part of show stoppers. No, no, we didn't get invited to be a part of show stoppers and I think we've proved why. Yes, we would, we would finally stop that show. That's the thing with it.

That's the problem, yeah. They make it look so easy. That's the problem. A good, you know what, they're phenomenally talented. Yeah. That's the difference, I think. That's, that's what the students held as back, isn't it, really? A lack of talent, yeah, I say.

A crucial lack of talent, absolutely. Until, of course, we found our niche, podcasting. Hooray, and here we are today. Here we are, multi-talented and back in your ear canal. I can tell you now, actually, I think we do have a real talent for solving people's beefs. Yes, it's a cold cuts today, is it?

It is a beef brothers cold cuts. This is the one we recorded with our good friend Lauren Patterson. Oh great, what a treat. It's really, really fun. But before we get into that, we've got an email from Arnia who got in touch with us via beefbrotherspodcast

at gmail.com. Oh, the old school roots. Absolutely right. So do get in touch. That's also the email to send any of your beefs to. She says, hello, Pappies. I was listening to your recent house meeting, Dersdie protest, in which Paris said he would like to interview

a 16-year-old. Once again, we've got kids getting in touch because you're putting the fillers out. No, please. Wrong turn of phrase, but yeah. Right. This was immediately shut down. Good job, Ben and Matthew. But I thought I should not pleased. Wrong turn of phrase, but yeah. Right. This was immediately shut down, good job, Ben and Matthew, but I thought I should inform you, you do, in fact,

have a 16-year-old listener. Yes. So here we go. Another teenager gets in touch. As probably the only teenager listening, I thought I'd answer a couple of points. I would agree with your original point that Leonardo DiCaprio is my generation's Robert De Niro.

I would maybe also like to throw in Keanu Reeves and Tom Cruise as additional options. Wow, okay. I mean, Keanu Reeves is, I mean, Tom Cruise has certainly got a phenomenal body of work, but the early stuff Keanu Reeves did, I think it a billionth head. I don't think De Niro would have been, he wouldn't have done a billionth head. He might now.

Yeah, but I think he did belong to a different time. Like if you're 16 now and you're looking at Kya'anu's early stuff, you're thinking of like the Matrix, which is like shit, yeah. Yeah. I was thinking about that as the stuff he does now. That's true, right? Oh, that's a very good point.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, I watched that one VHS, so that's a sign. As for your questions about who is a 16-year-old Rolling Stones, I'd have to agree with Matthew that the Rolling Stones are everybody's Rolling Stones. My opinion may be completely distorted though because the first gig I ever went to was a Rolling Stones concert and the second was a Robert Plant gig. Wow. Ah, yeah, this is super cool. This is absolutely music to my ears. Don't ask what my generation's lead, this is absolutely music to my ears. Don't ask what my generation has led to that, most people at my age probably think it's

a vintage t-shirt brand. Fucking yes, love it. Actually, as I write this, I realize I might secretly be a 40-year-old man and not a 16-year-old girl. Also, I hope you are. Well, it's weird to say I hope you are a 16-year-old girl. Are we being, are we being, are we being reversed groomed? And also, regarding your trip, a chat about Tineera's name,

helping him out his career, I once went to an acting group, and there was a guy called Christopher Kingdom, which I think is the most actory name I've ever heard. Maybe he'll be the next Tineera. What we've got to do now is you've got to register Christopher Kingdom dot com so that when he becomes a big star where you've got his domain. As a chat up line. Yeah. You're definitely going to use the word I'm giving you the keys to the kingdom. Absolutely. As you're doing your as you're undoing your flies.

Yeah. You've got you've got a little bolt on your flies. Yeah. And you're paying us a shot. You've got to get you were a good chance to be built. Yeah. Christopher Kingdom. One thing about him is what you should know this about him. You were a good Chastity Belt, yeah. Christopher Kingdom, one thing about him is what you should know this about him, he always wears a Chastity Belt. That's one of the, it's like a little thing all his characters do. And then the key is actually stuck in a stone.

I've been here for a hundred years. It's a little stone. And when the right girl comes along, it might be an you, we don't know, but when the right girl does come along, they'll be able to pluck this key from the stone. And it won't be the only thing they're plucking that night. Okay, Tom, let's move on from that.

I'm trying to get my friends to listen to Pappies by subtly asking if they listen to podcasts and then forcing them to download episodes. However, I'm not sure if any of them have actually listened, so I'm not sure you're going to have a huge 16-year-old demographic anytime soon. Love the podcast. Keep making references that I don't understand since The future of a young dynamic lies in your hands. What about the guy from last time, the 14-year-old? I believe these people are the future. These kids are our future. Absolutely.

It's such a fresh take. Thank you, I've always thought that. That's really good. So we should also promote the next Flashest Landdown. Oh hell hell yes. It's gonna be an absolutely classic. It's gonna be a really strong one. We've got two amazing guests.

Yes, yes, go on Tom. From a selfish point of view. Yeah. It doesn't matter. I have a really great time now whether people are there or not. Oh, okay. Ah!

Ah! Ah! Right Tom. That's really good to hear. Like the good. It's quite a possible advert for us kind of encourage people to listen to them. If we run it at a loss, we then have to pay the guests out of our own pocket. Can I rephrase it that way?

We've got Nishkumar, we've got Rosie Jones. It's going to be absolutely brilliant. I'm going to have a great time. Look, if you're not there, guys, I I'm not gonna know about it, am I? Yeah, yeah, well, I'm sort of ar, because I can see now how many tickets we sold, I'm looking at the page and I'm not a ticket's we sold.

We need to sell more tickets. Okay, that's interesting. I mean, I'm really excited about it, it's gonna be brilliant. Are you naked? No, no, no. We are, we're all excited about it, it's going to be brilliant. Are you naked? No, no, no. We are, we are, we're all excited about it Tom. Like, the idea of us saying, please come and see it, doesn't mean that we don't feel there's enough excitement for us.

We're all very excited about it. We just like there to be an audience there to see it. Anyway, it's on the 26th of November, start at 8 o'clock and it's streaming over YouTube. So if you go to eventbrite.co.uk, you can get a link and you can watch it online. It will be great if you came down. I genuinely believe that. And I know Tom is going to have a great time whether or not. It's going to be loads of fun this one. Some records, you kind of go right, okay, I have to get into a headspace for that. And some records, you're like, here we bloody go. So that's good to know Tom will not be in a headspace for this.

I'm just going to be in that space for the advert for it. I don't know what will. Yeah, so the 26th of November, Nish Kumar, Rosie Jones, eventbrite.co.uk, Yes, yes. And all of the details, you can get them from our Twitter at Pappy's Tweets, they're on our Instagram, at Pappy's Comedy, they're on our Facebook.

Any of those places you go to, there's links to the tickets. So grab yourself a ticket today and enjoy us on the 26th of November. Or not, I'm sure you will, for sure. Absolutely. You know what, that is the, that's the very nature of free will. We're not going to force anybody to do it, but we, I personally would love you all to be there.

I think you're all great listeners. I love you to watch the show. Absolutely. That's it. Absolutely. That's it. That's the way it goes. Speaking of great listeners,

let's reward those great listeners with this brilliant episode of Beef Brothers Coldness. You know what, I'm not bothered if you switch off now. I had so much fun recording it. Nah, it doesn't matter. See, this for me, this is the bit where I do need that ear canal. Oh, oh I see. This is the bit that I do need that ear canal. Oh, yeah, I see. This is the bit that I'm invested in.

For the free stuff. Free stuff, listen along. That's when you t-shirts Logan. Free shirt, listen along. All right, well, look. What? It's beef brothers cold cuts everyone with Laura and Patterson. Well, if you've got a problem, I'm calling a problem. It's beef brothers cold cuts everyone with Lauren Patterson

Well Lauren, thank you so much for coming on the show Thank you for having me. Thank you. I said that like it was the end of the show I got me I realized now I realized that was the intonation I put in there was the wrong intonation. And Lauren did a little pause. It's completely on me. Well thanks for coming on the show. We just wanted to check if you had quick time and you were able to record yourself and now that's the end of the episode. Bye bye. Yeah well done.

Have you had anything you'd like to plug? Well you've found that people find our podcast a little too long. So what we're doing is we're putting out 15 second podcasts, you know? Straight to the podcast. Yeah, it's exactly, straight to the point. So what is your flat share situation at the moment? OK, so my flat share situation was that I lived with my friend and my boyfriend in London. My friend then went to Australia for the comedy festivals.

It was just me and my boyfriend. And then a pandemic happened and now I live with my parents and do not have a boyfriend. Oh no. Wait, can we just check? The pandemic didn't take in. But then which it did. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Oh wow!

So you're living with your parents? For the first time in 80 years. Oh, how is that working? It's hard because you've got to love them because they're your parents and they're giving you a free place to stay and they're not asking for like much financial contribution, but then also I had to leave the room the other day because of my mom eating a nice lolly and I was like I think we've been back together too long Oh no, oh man. So are you back in your old childhood bedroom or is it a new house that they moved to? No, same house, childhood bedroom, apart from, I've got a niece now,

and she's kind of taking over my bedroom. So my nephews got the spare room. They don't live here, but like they spend a lot of time here. So the spare rooms become like my nephews rooms. So my room by default became my niece's room. So when I first came back, I had like frozen bedding. And I was like, this has got, I'm a 26 year old woman. I prefer wreck it Ralph, please. Let it go, let it go, wait. And do you get on with your

niece or is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that tension there now? Does the niece know that you've moved into her room? Yeah, she is not happy that her room's been taken over and because she, she's up for at that age where she's just 25 or six. I don't know, she's young. Um, she's a child. Auntie Laura. No, but it's very hard to hang onto ages of kids, isn't it? No.

All kids, but... They're always changing. They change it, what seems like every year. kids base. They're always changing. They change it, what seems like every year. Secondly, a kid between four and sort of ten, they all seem basically the same. Exactly. They're all small. You can't drink yet. That's the mean thing. Exactly. I've learned that lesson. When you're in Edinburgh and you're pumping to a lot of people that you think you might have met before but you're not sure. So rather than taking the risk of going. I'm sorry I don't think we've met what's your name instead you just go hey dude

And like sign it out because yeah, if you say I don't think we've met and then they turn around and go um Actually, I've fly it for you for two years. Yeah, oh shit. Sorry That's the equivalent of buying your niece on nephew a birthday card with the age on the front It's never it's never worth the gamble. This is it. It's worth the risk. Why do they make it stops? So it stops in like the I guess the early teens doesn't it of putting the the the age on Why couldn't you just not just have it's your birthday? Why does it have to be today? You are eight No, it's important to them But they don't need a card to remind them they're be telling everyone you never feel like more of a cunt than when you're texting your mom to be like,

sorry, how old Tony? You know, like, you just feel like such, such a... Tony, by the way, there's nowhere there's a Tony who is under the age of 40. Come on. How old Tony? Tony, the nephew. It's a bit like when we got, we got, for our little niece, my wife and I got for our little niece Verity, we got her a little stocking. This is my first Christmas on, for her first Christmas. Give it to her, and the man went, it's not her first Christmas.

Oh no. Yeah, Christmas last year. Remember she was bought in November? Oh, God, sorry. We bought like a custom book, which had, you know, like the name in and everything. So it's like a little story, but it refers to them all the way through. And yeah, I got the A-Tool. I had to go to the name wrong. Thankfully not.

If I had to go through it like a cut up a little stick. I'm trying to... I'm trying to... I'm trying to explain it came up. What number to what number? I think it was six. And you put 37. It was five.

Oh, that can't I remember. Because if it's the problem... If it's one below, obviously you're screwed. But if it's one above, just wait a year and then. If you're ten years old. Also, she will have grown out by the time she gets six. You make a good point. So, I've got to say, by the way, we sort of knew that I sort of knew you're in your parents

because of the gorgeous wallpaper. Yes, it's very... It's real, like the decor is real, it's parenty. It's very... My last child moved out for university, let's put some new wallpaper up as in it. Yeah, it's really got that vibe. They're really like, you know, I don't think I've seen flurry wallpaper. No.

And you're not as there. So there are ages. It's my Edinburgh trophy, and I move into my own place on Friday, and I've been told I can't take it with me. What? Yes. So it turns out there was rent after all. Yeah.

It's been here since I got it in 2017, because I was like, I'm not having that in the London flat, because someone will break it or something like a housemate. So it's been here the whole got it in 2017 because I was like, I'm not having that in the London flat because someone will break it or something like a housemate. So it's been here the whole time and my mom's like, well, no, it lives here and I'm like, but it's not your chief, men's, but no. That is a perfectly serviceable door stop. How dare you?

So you're getting out, you're getting out at the end of this week. I am, so I got my own place And I was like making it all nice So know when you can like moving and it be ready and I had a couple of jobs left to do and I was so excited And I was like right I'll be able to move in I had a week off work I wasn't gonna have my week off work in my new place and then we got tracked in trist I was like I was due to move out and everyone was like really could have still gone to your flat And I was like, I was due to move out. And everyone was like, well, you could have still gone to your flat. And I was like, no one wants to spend their first two weeks in a half-ready flat.

Unable to leave that flat. So I was like, no, I will stay here. And then we would do out a self-isolation. I was like, I'll have a couple of days to get the flat ready. And then I can enjoy my time in my new flat. And now we're going into a second lockdown. Oh, man. And now you're like into a second lockdown. Oh, man. And now you're like, am I allowed a nice thing to happen?

Unfortunately, in 2020, no, I don't think we are. No. That's just the way it's going to go. Well, shall we make ourselves feel a bit better by reading about some other people's problems? Yes. Yes. Lauren, did you get the one I sent to you? I did, yeah. So, you want, should we start with that one? Yes. Hi, did you get the one I sent to you? I did, yeah.

Do you want it, should we start with that one? Yes. Hi puppies, long time listener and subscriber, love the show. Your podcast have kept me entertained on many a car ride down in Rabawis with. I very rarely have thine beef for you. Wow, okay. The teammate was from a time traveler. How are they managed to figure out emails?

How have they done it? This beef is in relation to my flatmate, slash DNA shareer, my brother. We've been cohabiting for almost a year since we're turned from university in Manchester. He is a music graduate, which is called for, he's unemployed. Right, yes. I take offense to that as someone with an art degree. Someone unemployed with an arts degree. Yeah, I was going to say you can take offense but it is the truth. I know I'm in a supermarket at the minute and my mom keeps like pointing out people who like I went to school with and

been like, isn't it weird that you went to uni yet you're still back in the supermarket and I'm like, yes, isn't that of it isn't that odd. It's almost like a drama degree, it's for nothing. I, on the other hand, am a history teacher and have normal person opening hours when I'm up and about in the day. My brother, on the other hand, has the life of luxury of the willfully unemployed. Since the pandemic, he's been delivering for Amazon where he can select his own shift times, probably in the mid to late afternoon. We could call my brother, say, though, he's the life, he's the lifeblood of the lockdown. Yeah. Amazon delivery, you know, I appreciate, we do need, of course, we need history teachers,

very, very important, but I'd say more pressingly, we need people to be able to deliver stuff for Amazon, don't we? Exactly. That's keeping us, you know, especially in a second lockdown, it's keeping us going. We've got people with our Amazon delivery driver because he keeps throwing things over the fence. And then we get an email being like, your package was placed in your letter box and we're like, no, it's not, it's in the garden. I literally watched, like my living room window is just there. I had the blinds open. I just watched

the parcel fly through the air, it lands on the grass and then get the email that it was safely delivered. It was delivered, but... Is he doing it on a bike like an American paperboy? Just a drive bike. I built like a big cushion or something from to throw it up by a trampoline. Here's the thing you've got to then buy it from Amazon. That's the problem. Yeah, that's it.

The trampoline's going to have to be a big thing and then make all the things I buy after small less so that they just like stack up in the garden like a child's toy. A week ago my brother decided to visit some old flatmates in Manchester for a little weekend away. When he returns he promptly told us that he fell ill and boom COVID. Of course we all have to self isolate from there on. Failure pain. Failure pain when you have to self isolate and it's not your fault. It's tough.

Jirenar, a heated discussion. It was made apparent to us he'd been in his friend's house for a cup of infected tea. What? Uh oh. Blame in the tea on Covid. This would have been cause enough for beef, but the time in of our lockdown means I'll have to be in isolation for my birthday. I had to cancel a meal with mates and a night away with my boyfriend. On top of all this, he's decided the best time to edit our podcast that we do together is at 11 o'clock at night I still have to be up in the morning to deliver remote lessons online

He didn't get me a birthday present at seeing he's unemployed and broke and couldn't have gone out to buy one anyway You work for Amazon Order one and deliver it yourself Yeah, oh let's face it Nick one. Yeah from a garden exactly I did have a bit of... Throw an empty box over the fence. Exactly. I did have a birthday card and which he thought to shop to me as Hitler. Picture attached. His birthday in January present from me has already been paid for. Papi should I demand a compensation for the missed birthday. I don't know if you can say but there she is

as a thought shop does Hitler. Yeah, I've walked that back to you guys if you want to see a better version of the picture, but but yeah So it's it's a it's a picture of of Hitler meeting Some other other German officers who are very excited Hitler's leaning out of a car shaking hands and at the bottom It says history is cool Right the lot I in pack here. Yeah. Well, like this sounds like a character from a film. Like a like a Seth Rogen film or like a Will Ferrell film. This sounds like the supporting character has written as an email. Like the straight character in that film. Because this guy sounds like an absolute card.

He's like, you know. That's a very well-trained little bit. Like, wasn't like I was expecting. This is the guy who's like, I don't play by any rules, I'm living my life. And it's like that, that story's a comedy. And like the scenes with the straight character in it, I kinda like, oh come on, I've got to go and work.

But no, this person's been made the lead character. That's how it feels. How do you feel about that? He had me hit the card, let me just... I mean, it's tricky, isn't it? Because if this was your mate, you'd think his antics were a lot of fun. Obviously not the getting COVID off his mate, that's not great.

But I think what we're getting here is the brother irritation. It's the fact that it's blood. That's the problem. If your flatmate was editing your podcast late at night, you wouldn't complain. Someone's editing the podcast. That is an important job. And thank you very much to producer and precaution for doing it.

These podcasts are edited. I know. I know. You're not sent through my shit are you? Just let him talk for next five minutes. Get out your system Tom. And by the way what a missed opportunity to not plug your own podcast. We know they've got a podcast. I know. And you know that's what I want from a podcast. two people who absolutely hate each other's guts. Because there's too many podcasts of people who've got great chemistry. What you want is two people who are connected by blood, but cannot stand each other.

That's what I'm after. Deep root ad hatred. They're both given each other silent treatment. It's a staring competition podcast version. Yes. Well, what's what's she actually asking here? Yeah, what's the what's the number of the beef? So she wants to know if she should be compensated by her brother, could she set a cancel or her birthday plans. I think he should come up with a good like the the responsibility for her birthday has to rest on her shoulder. Yeah like he needs you can't afford to get some on a present you do something for free. Yeah this is This is a turn look left into 1940s wartime Germany.

You should allow it. I'm going to allow it. Hello, I love it. Can you guys kind of like, this is how I feel about the brother is, do you have this as well, this fear, especially like Lauren, thinking about living with your parents? And I have it living with my mother-in-law and my wife it's like You don't want the so I know obviously there's risk involved as well, but like you don't

The social faux pas of bringing COVID to your house is absolutely yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you don't you like You don't want to be the one who brings it in do you? No, I'd be very understanding if somebody else brought it in, but I would, I would completely completely understand if people weren't understanding if I brought it in. It's, it's the equivalent of treading dog shit. Oh, yeah. It is, yeah.

Where you go like, oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise. But it's treading dog shit into somebody's, into someone's lungs. So it's kind of, whereas at least you track and trace? It's like someone you don't know. It's like someone you don't know is flung dog shit at your house.

I know you can't leave your house. That's a good idea. But when you know it was you, you'd be like, oh, I only went in for a cup of tea. Oh no. So I do feel sorry for him in some ways. I know he was reckless, but... I probably wanted a break as well. Like, where are we only getting his side of the story?

Maybe she's not ideal to live with even. He was like, oh, I just want to go to Manchester. See my mate for one day, come back to my sister. Maybe he wanted a escape too. He needed an escape. I think that's a very good point, Lauren. We've got to think of his mental health. You know, it's very important.

He's living with Hitler for the day. LAUGHTER I mean, there must be a reason he put a mocked dropper's Hitler right. That... Yeah. Like, there is a reason he chose that is not a good figure Either she's not very easy to live with or she's a big fan of Hitler and neither of those scenarios are good Yeah, both point in very bad directions

So she let's let's let's pick through some of the details again So she doesn't like the fact he's a music graduate. She doesn't like the fact he's unemployed even though he does technically have a job. It's just a presumably like a zero hours contract. And also he's been a bit, he's been cheeky with the rules. Right? But a little miss Sherlock over here, she did say she was going away friend night with her boyfriend. I was him and the boyfriend doesn't live there. That's a very good idea. They lived in, you're not allowed to mix households. And a birthday meal with mates as well.

A birthday meal with mates. A plot, seconds. Yes, people in glass houses shouldn't not sell clothes like that. glass houses shouldn't not sell. Covered. Yeah. Covered. Yeah. Covered.

Yeah. Covered. Yeah. Covered. Yeah. Covered. Yeah. Covered.

Yeah. Covered. Yeah. Covered. Yeah. Covered. Yeah. Covered.

Yeah. Covered. Yeah. Covered. tea. After a long, decayed, delivering shit to strangers. It's been a little... I mean, I do have a lot of sympathy for Amazon employees as well. Yeah, they must get tons of abuse, right? He's coming home, he's editing the podcast, he's photoshopping a picture of his sister to look like. He's working, he's working every hour, God sends this poor lad, and all he wants is one brew.

I mean, is that too much to ask? A single cup of tea. Yes, it was a tea made with milk, two sugars and some COVID-19. He wasn't to know that. That's his taste. Oh, it's lack of taste. I feel like this is like a classic case, of Siblin's where one has gone and done quite an academic degree and one has gone and done an arts degree. This is very reflective of my Siblin makeup and there's always that underlying intention of one being like, oh, you're just boring.

You do a teaching degree and then other being being like, well you literally do nothing, and it's like, yes, but I have 50 grand of debt for it, so. So. I'm a bit like the president. Yeah. Or whoever's the president, when this goes out. And this, but yeah, I mean,

we do need to come up with some sort of ruling because she's asking for a ruling here It feels like a popularity contest here where I think we're gonna set up this beef by being a straight-shoot in who do you prefer? Who do you prefer? Go with a music degree or Hitler? The age-old question. Exactly. You've. Exactly. It's a real Sophie's choice. I know who I'd rather have a brew with, put it that way. Oh my god. Don't say Hitler. Well, the music dudes, you know, come on, the music dudes, the cool dude, isn't he?

the cool dude, isn't he? Oh, in his car slinging numbers and parcels around music glaring and Covid, Covid, Covid, raking. Licking all the parcels. Rubbin is snottin' his nose on the little thing you've got as, you know, scientist, put your initials into. Yeah, I mean, like, here's the thing, I don't think, I don't think Charlotte's for being sensible is a bad person, you know? And I don't think wanting to celebrate your birthday makes you a bad person. I don't even think being Photoshopped as Hitler makes you a bad person.

No. It's a fantastic Photoshop job, but it wasn't her choice. But I think this is going to sound awful, but I think she might just need to chill out a bit. And that's awful too. I also did not take being tracked and traced very well, and I was probably like, Charlotte being like, this person always made a week's holiday at work because I can't leave that house and then I realized I still

get holiday pay and I was like that's fine. I think maybe though if he is you know as soon as he's back at work maybe they should I mean it's tricky isn't it isn't it? Because if you can't afford something, he's has already made you something, you know. That was his olive branch. That was his olive branch. And the thing is, you can do an offensive card to someone you're really mates with

because you know they're going to take it in the spirit as intended. I mean, I don't know. I think beef's between siblings, uh, nigh on unsolvable. Oh, beef unsolved. I think it's really tricky to patch up sort of familial relationships. Yeah. So I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Charlotte. I don't think he owes you anything. Beef, on, solves.

Beef unsolved. Beef from the sorting I can be! Oh, cuck! Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman plotting her course to free to pat in love for. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance.

I love that. Four things. It's non-stop bunkers brilliance. I love that. Poor things. It's like theaters, December 15th. Hello, puppies. I'm guest if there is one. There is one. Hi, it's Lauren Patzson. You're a, you pissed.

Yeah. Yeah. I am still celebrating your birthday. I have a beef for you. It's not my flatmate husband, but our downstairs neighbour. Great. We are friendly with, but not really friends. We live in a house split into flats with a communal hallway. Communal. Okay. During lockdown downstairs offered to decorate the hallway, which was lovely of them and it looks great. We paid our share of the material and bought them a bottle of wine.

So far, so good. Here's where my beef actually begins. They put new artwork up in the hallway too. To refer to them, all of it is actually alright, except one piece, which me and my husband really, really dislike. It is not to our taste at all. It is the antipyra hitler. It is the antithesis of our taste to be quite honest. Additionally the place it's been hung means you cannot help looking at it as you walk up this stairs to our flat The neighbors did safe

We didn't like any of the artwork to just let them know but when they said it We were put on the spot and basically said anything was fine as we felt bad expressing a dislike to it After they'd spent their free time Decorating the communal space tough when you feel like that window has closed, isn't it? That's my phone ringing by the way, sorry. Oh, okay, no, it's all right. I'm just gonna... I mean, if we needed proof that you were at your parent's house,

a landlord in Britain. The story checks out. The story checks out. That's really good. But, yeah, so So there you go. It's been a few months now and we still hate the artwork. I have another print frame that could replace it, but have we left it too late to suggest it?

Do I just do a swap and see if they notice? Shall we live with it and stop being designed snobbs just to add I am not a confrontational person but my husband is useful great great to have a good cup and a bad cup always useful there thanks for your help and on cue and on cue and I was getting in touch it's a cue drop yes I attach a photo for you to see the art in question. Thank God, yes. But rather we keep it all anon,

including your artwork in case they might listen. Now, hang on, right. I think if they listen, they're already gonna know, right? Yeah, they're definitely gonna know. So I think we can just, we have to kind of give the, I've sent, I've WhatsApp the artwork to you, Lauren. So you can have a look.

And it's an absolute state. It's a shocker. Have you seen it? Yeah, it's really, I really thought you could just grim and bear it, but that is. No. Oh, I feel, I really feel your pain there that I'm poorly.

Yeah, got, oh that's, that that's, someone's just seeing the artwork. Yeah, I've seen the artwork not happy with it. Even a one year old knows that's some shitty artwork. Can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can we, can to a non. Let's try it. Can you describe it please for Mystic Lee 2020? You've got to be fair in 2020 guys. It's a text. It's a text based. Yes, it's a text based print of UK cliches.

That'll be me as well. So because that's exactly what it is. It's not yet. It's a mystic enough. Yeah. It has some mystic enough. But it has some amendments to it, and I'm not sure if it's come like that, or if that has been added by the neighbour.

I think that I think, because it's got little sort of little badges of like, oh man, I mean we'll tell it, we're basically describing it always. We're just fully described, and we can just fully describe it because it's such a fucking shot. Oh, I think, yeah, I think those are, we can't see what the badges say. I think I was. I love. Oh God, that's what we have given it all. It's way too specific there. We can't say that.

We can bleep some of these bits out. Okay. I tell you what, if you bleep them with Cleo. If you bleep the wrong bits though, it's going to sound worse than it is. It does say fancy a broom, but if you believe in with Cleo If you believe the wrong bits though, it's gonna sound worse than it is What it does say fancy a broom if you bleep out the word brew it sounds like it puts them really offensive afternoon Make-do-and-beap But yeah, it's basically it's raining cousin dogs

It's basically... It's raining, cousin Darts. So, they've basically seen those, keep calm and carry on, post as in thought, could we make this even more objectionable? So, what's the deal here? Because I once lived in a communal block of flats and someone put a Salvador Dali painting up in the foyer, and there were complaints about someone saying, I hate Salvador Dali.

I have to see it every day, take it down. And then I think there were comments about Salvador Dali's legacy as a person. Has he been cancelled? Is that what it has? I mean, I had to stop playing that Woody Allen film in the foyer if I'm serious. I can't be just judge the artist, not the man. So it got

taken down and then someone painted a version of it, a smaller version of it and left that in the foyer. Like so clearly there was a Salvador Dalí, maybe Salvador Dali lived in my room. What the clock's like in your flat? I couldn't make head, not tell of it. I wonder if I was always bloody late. The clocks have melted. So I think you've got a really good case to say something here. And I think the fact that they said that and you missed the window you have a right to go back and open that window.

Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. I'm guessing there is a flat whats up group here. Right? Yeah, there must be surely. In this day and age there must be a flat whats up group. So I think the way to play is you tell a small white lie.

You go on the WhatsApp group and you say, hey guys, I've just been given this as a gift. I really like it and you put the picture that you said you've got. You say, we've just received this as a gift, we really like it. We're wondering if you would let us put it up in the communal space. We thought maybe replacing this Yeah, and then everyone's good We're more we imply keep calm keep calm keep calm Lauren

Keep calm and carry on for a second, you know, you kind of go you kind of you you create a slightly fictional situation Which is slightly too much so that the people who are receiving it, they know what's going on but they can't call it but they'll know and you'll know and everyone will know but that's okay. Do you know what I mean? Here's another idea but I think I think Tom's is a very good one. I also need to know what it is that they're thinking of replacing it with. Yes that's crucial. Because if it's a cat hanging off the tree, it's like, oh, I love it.

I hang in there, baby. I hate Mondays. You know, if it's like a sort of, you know, they're not made by Banksy, but they've looked like they should have been made by Banksy. One of those things, like somebody giving two fingers up to a police officer. The police officers got a smiley face like it's an acid. Do you have an appop at my artwork, dude?

No, that was a thank you very, it really made my birthday, it was great. It's actually, I'm displaying it, pride of placing my lot. You used to do that. I've just spotted another one on this. I don't know, we really have an apologies to a non, but we really have revealed what this artwork is. But one of them, right towards the end, what is this? Cheers, then the British flag and chinwag.

Cheers, chinwag, that's not an expression. All the other ones are sort of expressions or at least places. Cheers, British flag, chinwag. They were clearly like, ah, well, we've got cheers and we've got chinwag. Feel like, on their own, they're not enough to put on their...

Yeah. Tell you what, let's pop a British flag. No, no, no. I suppose on the same line, they do have the phrase, Viva Victory Fish and Chips, which is not, that's not how you're on the war, is it? I don't I know. I suppose on the same line they do have the phrase Viva Victory Fishing Chips, which is not, that's not how you won the war, is it? I don't know what?

Erm, it's... Jesus. Yeah, it's terrible. Oh yeah, so what I was going to suggest, because it's got the badges stick stuck on it. Yes. You could gradually just stick more badges on it, but just cover it up entirely with badges.

Like a 15-year-old emo's backpack. Exactly. Exactly. Get some my chemical romance badges and go to town. Accidental damage. Oh no, someone has knocked it off the wall by accident. But we have a spare replacement paint in. The only thing is knocking off the wall is going to,

all it's going to do is break the frame. You have to put your foot through it properly, don't you? So I think that feels too aggressive a move. I'm Northern. OK, I've got a new one for you then. How about this, right? Because it's quite a basic print. What about you mock one up,

that's exactly the same, but you change all the wording and you see how long it takes for people to notice. Oh, fuck it up. I'm sorry. So instead of street parties, you have sweet farties. And then like, and then like you and your partner will be looking at it and chuckling away. And like, and you know, they won't notice,

or they might notice, and it turns it into a little bit of fun. Yeah, so it's like sweet farties and f for fuckery. You know, keep calm and go fuck yourself, whatever it is. I mean, that sounds aggressive. You don't have to be just... You said it in here. Spit roast instead of Sunday roast. That's a hell.

Yeah, why not? Let's, you know, source it up a bit. And obviously we're keeping raining, raining cuts and dogs, the class of course. Yeah, of course. And, and cheers chinwag just becomes cun cun fuck. Of course it does.

Of course it does. You know, it writes itself basically. So do you have to play cun cun fuck in the playground? Absolutely. Actually, I got COVID. It's the Northern version of Duck Duck Goose. Yeah. It's normally what I say when they're walking

at any green room. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah Oh man, that's what you said when you saw puppies today. And we'll never know the answer. We'll never know. Right, well, I think, yeah, I think customizing it yourself is our solution. That's our winner. It's good. Yeah, definitely.

Beef solved. Beef from the starting out again, beef solved. High beef brothers. High beef. High beef. High beef. High beef. High beef. High beef. High beef. I can be Hi beef brothers. Hi, baby. Hi It's a surprise there It's always you never know when Clarke is gonna fall apart reading out an email and today was the first word

Literally in the first word Hi I hope you could help me with a little higher alert Sorry Clarke I hope you can help me with a little highlight alert. Sorry, Glyther. With a little dilemma, me and my housemate, Strokewife, have. We have a gardener who we took on when we moved into the house 12 years ago. He comes quite sporadically and unannounced and I have to stop workcalls to let him in, finding the keys, opening two gates, and just generally getting annoyed while I meant to be speaking to my colleague, Stoke Bosses.

He then proceeds to do a very basic tidy up job in the garden. His grasp of fauna and flora seems quite rudimentary, and he is a little bit useless. Hey, I had a real basic grasp on flora of fauna. Did you know they're both, like, do you know the difference between Flora and Fauna? No. No.

One's a margarine, I know that much. So, I don't think I thought Flora and Fauna were like different types of, I thought I think Flora's a fauna animal. Like, flowers and not flowers. Yeah. Flowers and everything else. So, like, so, because Flora sounds like flowers. And not flowers. Flowers in everything else. So, no, like, so,

because Laura sounds like flowers. And Fauna sounds like foliage. So do you think it's flowers and foliage? I mean, I'm almost certainly right. Okay, we're gonna go around the room and I wanna know what everyone thinks it is. No, I don't know what it is, but I know I was wrong when I thought it was.

What do you think, Fauna and Fauna Paterson? I think Floor is like flowers and plants and fawner is like wild life animals. Yeah that's awesome. So it's plants and and so fawner is animals. I don't know. Well a fawn is a mythical creature. It can't be flowers and fawns. Because it be flowers and Mr. Tumnus and mr. Tumnus Mr. Tumnus is your garden I'm meeting by the lamppost Can you stop eating can you stop eating my lawn plink? That's why it's such a faffy cunt open the gates with these little hooves Gotta gotta get rid of that cattle grid on the tip of the drive

Let me look it up fl Flora and Fauna. Here we go. Flora. It'd be cool names if you had twins. Oh hello. Cautions. Oh, Cautions here. Chime, din.

Here we go, here we go. Flora is all the plant life present in a particular region or time, generally, naturally occurring. The corresponding term, LPs, don't it? The corresponding term for animal life is fauna. So, flora and fauna means plants and animals. Fauna's all other forms of life, such as fungi,

so mushrooms are included. Wow. Collectively referred to as biota. No. Yeah, that's what it says here in Corsion's message. Oh, do you go biota? It's a lovely reference. You know what, I was literally gonna say that.

I was gonna say Ray biota and I thought that's not good enough either. Um, still, still anyway. So now we know, thank you Lauren for educating us, and thank you caution for confirming. Can I ask, are we forner? That is life's big question. Philosophical. A recent example, I texted him to say, please can you trim the lavender at the back

as it's out of control? He didn't do it, left and texted me to say, the lavender at the front was fine, so he didn't need, so it didn't do it. Left and texted me to say the lavender at the front was fine, so he didn't need so it didn't need trimming He walked past the wildly growing lavender in the back garden Without noticing and then and then a gone round to the front of the house to examine that. Is that normal? Here's the problem. Oh my god. This is the problem. We've got a lot of ways to find out the problem. He's our next one, Aiba, son-in-law. We recently put up an extension, and whilst our neighbour and family were quite annoying,

we've had a very nice relationship with her over the years, biscuits at Christmas, lending books, etc. She's very, very nice. So what to do? Just give him his marching orders and lock down every time we see a neighbor or door. I think it's looked down, they're not locked down. I look down. Oh yeah, sorry. We've got to be put on the bright, anyway. Yeah. Look down every time we see a neighbor and a daughter. Or him as he does our garden too, or just live with shit gardening until she moves out. Beef brothers.

What would you do in my shoes? Cheers, Stevie. Oh, right. That is a conundrum. It's tricky because like Neighbors' son in law feels like you're one step removed. It was your neighbor's son.

I think it'd be more of a problem. But he's been there for 12 years, right? I mean, this is the question we've got to ask Stevie. Why is it taking you 12 years to realize he's not going to his job? After you know, this is two or three months on the job of going, he's not really doing not gonna his job After you know, you know, this is this is two or three months of the on the job of going He's not really doing his he doesn't really and you know, so we know what he's doing you nip it in the bud and that's good You've got a dead head it. This is this is yeah, this is this is the lavender. He's got to be cut loose

Oh cut it back Oh, cut it back. 12 years. 12 years of gardener, what you do then? Do you take up the gardening yourself? I mean what? See this is what I would do, because I'm so, don't like confrontation, I wouldn't be able to bring someone else in, because it would feel like I was cheating, so I would just have to retrain as a gardener.

I mean, I think retrain is a strong term for, I mean, we don't know how it's, you know, a little bit of mo in the lawn, a little bit of trimming about the plant. Oh, you know what, here's what you do. Tire, you, um, uh, pave over the lot. Go patty, I want it. Go, go, go, go crazy paving, go water feature, you know, it's, yes, it's going to cost a little bit of money but you're currently, you're doing renovations anyway on the house. They know that's the kind of, that's the sort of jaguar on at the moment. Absolutely, just get rid of all of the plants, everything, raise the fuck into the ground.

Pour on paradise. Exactly, exactly. Yeah, but who's running the parking lot? Your neighbor's son in love. Yeah. I think higher another gardener that has enough of a resemblance to you and your family that you can play the card of, look, I'm really sorry, but my cousin's gone into gardening. Yeah. And so you trump their connection based on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look, I've got to throw some business my cousin's way. It's my cousin's husband for fuck's sake. No one's going to question you on your cousin's husband, is it? No. But like, no one's going to argue with you because you're helping family. And in these times, you know, look, I just thought I'd give him another garden. They're not going to chat to you. They're not going to go, oh, how's your cousin?

And, Harry, I'm going to say this now, your cousin? And, Perry, I'm gonna say this now, your cousin's husband doesn't have to bear any physical resemblance to you. If you need it, it does. I thought I found a way to make it easier here. Yeah, it's not your cousin, it's your cousin's husband. She cousins husband. And, you know, obviously brief them on the story.

Tell the new gardener, listen, you can do the gardener, if I bung you an extra couple of quid every month, will you say, will you lay up? Will you say, will you wear this t-shirt that says, I am his cousin's husband? Well, just like when you, as you leave, layedly say, will I see you at Edna's birthday? You know, shit like that.

Sure, yeah, yeah. Just give him like a line to throw in every now and often. Like, you know, I love your cousin. Like, it feels like a sitcom lie this. Like, they're gonna hire him to do their back garden and then they're gonna have to, he's gonna have to lie on the, but hang on, if they're hiring, lie on the hoof loads.

Hang on, if they're hiring him to do their back garden, when their son-in-law is a gardener, then everyone knows that their son-in-law is a gardener then Everyone knows that that's sending laws of shit garden Very true. That is very true. Like they're probably trapped in the same situation aren't they they're probably like oh god Yeah, we're stuck with them as well Yeah, but that I mean that yeah That they can hope for a divorce. That's what they can hope for. I was gonna say don't know if this is too extreme But maybe they break up the sun

and laws marriage. So do you see and then you want me to come to the house? Yes. Stevie you've got to seduce you've got to seduce your gardener. So do you see send evidence next door then ditch him? Yes, but then what you're going to be the neighbor who broke up the marriage isn't that worse than just doing it? Okay, right.

Oh, that consequence is sitting always.? I can't be calling it. Oh, that consequence is starting away. Here's what you do. OK, you get one of your single friends to seduce them, but pretend that you say, oh, you do the gardening. But my cousins are always a cousin. My cousins are in the back garden doing some... There is some... She's about... I don't like this. That cousin's married in the back garden doing some... There was some sunbathing.

That cousin's married to a gardener. We can't have her cheated on the gardener. All right, not that cousin, a different cousin. We know she's got a tasting gardener, so... She's out in the back garden doing some sunbathing. You know, don't try not to get any kind of porno type situations. And inevitably that's what's going to happen.

We've all seen the films. She's going to say, would you, would you, would you oil my back? The bikini tops coming off. And, mitly, it's not the weather for it considering it's November, but, you know, it's, one thing leads to another. You're there in the top, in the, in the top of the house,

snapping away with the telephoto lens, snap, snap, snap, taking some grubby pictures. Say a few for yourself, give the rest to the neighbors, and there you go. And then kill it, then bury him under the path. Exactly, beef solved. Beep from the zoning I can be! Beef solved.

So Lauren, we now come to your part in the show where you're going to tell us about one of your problems you have with your flatmates who have revealed to your parents. Yeah. What's going on? My biggest beef is my dad doesn't have Facebook, but he has my mom's Facebook on his phone. So they both on their phone have the Facebook app logged into my mom's Facebook,

and they will consecutively read from the supermarket colleagues page of which my mom both work. And so where I'm on this page as well well so I can see all this stuff anyway. I'll be sat on an evening trying to watch Ramsay's kitchen nightmares because I've got loco and on. It'll be like a tag team where the pair of them will read all these posts from various employees from the supermarket around the country and I'm like, I don't care. I don't care that Karen's angry that she hasn't got our points.

What is, why do I need to know this? Well, also, you never get to finish work. If you're leaving the supermarket, come in home and then getting the red button feature of the supermarket red out to you. Behind the scenes. The behind the scenes footage, you don't need that. But because they're parents, they also have the sounds on their phone all the time,

where my phone lives on silent, so I'll be sat and it's like ping-ping, and then I'll get the update from both parties, and after about an hour I'm like, I think I think I just put my head in the washing machine and end it now. Well, you're going for washing machine, not oven. I love it. You want to have great hair when you shower was a cool. It's lovely, I'll be clean. I'm not. But great hair, but twisted one hundred degrees. Oh, the head's popped off entirely.

So are they both reed, are they in the same room, both reeding it out to each other, but like, are they reading out to you? What's the, how's this working? I went out that stage of lockdown where they're just reading it in the hope of any audience because it's only three people in the house. So you've got to start, you've got to start posting on this.

Yeah, that's the thing. That has to be the way to go. You need to spin a fictional story that you can live out on these posts so that you don't mind hearing back to you, read for your parents. What you've got to do is you've got to get multiple Facebook pages or even in list of few mates to sort of change their names and write a soap opera.

Yeah, that's what you should know. You know, and have one of the characters in it be like, oh, I wasn't focused on the shelf slacking today because I'm living with my parents at the moment and they're doing my fucking boxing. Yeah. Yeah. There is some gold on there. Someone posted the day of a load to bring a bottle of water to the fish counter and

somebody replied to know they that already dead and I Yes, please They want a lot big fan of being read out, but it's a lot of It's not work as I'm angry at the minute. It's a lot of aggression and that cannot be bothered There's occasional fun bants, but I think what you need to do and you know, you've got your drama degree Use it right this is this is your chance to, this is your chance to use your arts degree. Right. This is your blank canvas.

You know, there should be, we're talking, we want love triangles, happening at the, you know, over this early counter. We're looking for, you know, someone's, someone's cousin, someone's cousin's, you know, someone's cousins, having an affair with somebody who, you know, stacks the shelves after hours. This is what I want to know. Is there a gardening section at the supermarket? Can we get that into them?

Exactly, yeah. Do you sell trowels? And then, fast forward five years, and it'll be like and Channel 4 or what are police to present the brand new soap opera the first on Channel 4 since Brookside written by Lauren Patterson it's the fish counter Yes and everyone will be like oh my god And it'll be like this is the fish counter It does sound like somebody is going to go well that's one two three Is that the same as the other one? Okay, start with the throat. Yeah.

But maybe that will be, you know, maybe that fast forward and this will be your inspiration. You never know. I believe in you. Are you happy with that? Yeah. I mean, it's one of those things where I'm like,

I move out in two days. I'm very hesitant to like start family drama with just 48 hours left in the house but I was like, that's a, that's a one that's annoyed us. I mind I annoyed my dad last night because we had a chippy and then we are very much a fan because me and my mom work in the cafe, if the supermarket, so there's always little sachets of sauce in our handbags. And we were sad to like tell our sauce in the cupboard, but I used it on a fish finger sandwich the other day. And I didn't realize that it was already claimed.

And Alan was not happy last night that he stole and such as of tartar sauce would already be used. My mum was like, well, we'll get you some more. You was like, well, the coffee is short. And I was like, that's true. And maybe we should stop buying our own sauce. That's an option.

And then as a leaving present, you want to buy them a print to go on the wall that says Keep Calm and have a really true box. Lots of badges. I was good. I thought you were going to say as a leaving present, you want to buy them like from Macro or Costco, one of those places, like a big box that's full of tartar sauce sachets. But actually, that's a bit passag, isn't it? I'm leaving, you can take all these fucking things.

Well Lauren, thanks so much for coming on the show, it's been really lovely chatting to you. Thank you. Yeah, that was real, thank you. Do you have any stuff that you want to plug at the moment? Is there anything going on? Not a lot, I got a podcast. We do a mental health podcast, me and the channel Dave and calm, the mental health charity.

We've got new episodes at the minute, because I think everyone was a little bit too sad to write. Right, yeah. But we've got loads of, we've got like two series with a bit of episodes and they're all and I had a friend message me the other day and said these are these third listen of them and I was like you need to try more podcasts. Yeah, say you may I like it. Very kind. But what's it called?

It's called conversations against living miserably. Brilliant, fantastic. Lauren, it's been a real pleasure having you on the show. Thank you. Take care, good luck with the move. I'm sorry to talk to new people. I know, it's lovely. Be from the starting at your beef!

You solved! Well, there you go. Bosh. Done. Solved. Absolutely right. If you enjoy that, I'm going to have to be very, very, very... If you enjoy that kind of stuff,

then we've got plenty of bonus episodes on our Patreon and all you need to do is sign up for, I think it's £4.50 now, £4.50 or more and that gets you all of the bonus episodes straight away. We've got a flat share lockdowns, we've got bonus beefs, you get the jingles from the flat share slam downs as a single, you get loads of bonus footage from the episodes that we do, the live episodes, there's tons of fun stuff. Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well,

well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, is. And so people, you know, the flagship lockdowns, quite a lot of them now are car respondents. We get from you, the listener, our patrons. And yeah, they're really, really fun. So join today. Don't be a stranger. Yes, and stay tuned for the Patriot Damerhood Watch Roll call. They're always ridiculous.

This episode was produced by Emma Corsham. Corsham to you. Cheers everyone! Bye! Nadan. Okay, we're recording. Nadan. Madame Moselle. Madame Moselle, Monts-Urm-Elle. Bonjour. And Belle Lidium for this week's Patreon. Neighborhood Watcher-Roll Corps. Bonjour and Belgium. Bonjour. I have gathered you all here today. That's right. Listen very carefully. I have gathered you here today. The chef butler the garden air but almost of all Emma most of all Emmett Totten because I'm here to tell you That your woodwork is rotten. Oh

We're going we're doing the old reverse. See we give us an Emmett first Sillow in the then we do the ride Let me tell you we have a Welshman in our midst. Let me tell you Let me tell you now. I have seen the criminal. I have seen is it culprit? I have seen the perpetrator because he has been running around and I can tell you now I was I can tell you now his name is Ian Cuddy. What? Yes, I knew he was the cream when I saw him running around in Zinnadi What a sexy sexy crime

Sexiest of crimes Sorry No, no, no, I apologize to you Please can we all please just get along I'm sorry. Sorry, when you talk about... Oh, no, no, no, I apologize to you. I'm sorry, please. Can we all please just get along? Talking about the running around, I was with my friend, she, she run, she jump. She cut wheels. She run.

She run. She run. She's a name she runs. She cut wheels. Her name is Freya Harrison and let me tell you she is lots of fun. She is lots of fun. She is a lot of fun. Freya is a lot of fun. I have gathered you all here today. The gardener Ian Cdy who is in the nudie, the butler, the chef and my friend. I need to tell you that I have married Sam. You have married Sam. Yes, but why have you made it seem like you're going to reveal a crime when you're just

this is actually an engagement party. Because when we were tying the knot somebody stole our ham Oh, is it the law? Oh my goodness. Do you know what I know who stole your ham? I know who stole your ham because I saw him running naked towards the shoreline I saw him running naked towards the shoreline. Yes, that's right. It was Louis Smith and I saw him take that ham and throw it off a cliff Fucking Elbrough. Fucking Elbrough. Fucking Elbrough. Straight into the French Ocean. That ham is soggy, bro.

That is one soggy ham brava. He's right. He's floating. Varshi blows, I said. Varshi blows. That's sultiham. It's the s the Arsiblóz, I said, the Arsiblóz. That's the sultiham. It's the sultiham you will have a taste there.

There was kind... It was kind to me, it was kind to you. The Zutelóz, you won't believe it was aing the other day in the pruning competition Not that pruning competition Pruning competition Edgerton He wants that boy You wouldn't believe that?

She hedging one! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh who paints the walls. Ah, Buddha. I am here to tell you that I have got engaged to Warren Pest. Oh, listen, how does Sam feel about this? Do not touch. Mom and so go, you were married to Sam. At least now, one pairs his own scene. Sometimes the detective is also sick, criminal, if you know what I mean. Speak me.

Well, it was indeed, it was bigger view. I am here to tell you that somebody took a shit on this day. Oh, so be careful when you go to the toilet. See, oh, this profession. The city of the state is. Das ist ein Schuss. In der Dance. So, du bist da. In der Dance, in der Dance, in der Dance, in der Dance, come on now. Come on now.

Come on now. Let's be sensible. Let's not lose our heads. Let's be sensible. Let's not lose our heads. Let's not lose our heads. Let's not lose our heads. Let's not lose our heads.

Let's not lose our heads. Let's not lose our heads. Let's not lose our heads. Let's not lose our heads. Let's not lose our heads. Someone took a shit on his ass. Yeah, I have finished here now. Oh, it's my turn. That's right. Sorry, my apologies. But it is good to have a moment to reflect. It's good to have a little moment on Warren's face and that upcoming obnoxious. Okay, here we go now. Yeah, I will let me tell you. Oh, yes, tell me, please. My powers of deduction has worked out exactly who committed this Henners crime Not a name as crime. Yes, it's an inner crime

They use their energy to shit on this day. Of course, I can tell you now I can tell you now because of a tip off I got from Fred Winnieburg. Oh yes, sir. He said it was the cat who did it. I said, there's a human shit you silly bird. Yes, yes, well, it was a human shit and I can tell you I can tell you now. Oh, yes, who committed the crime? It's a crime

Someone didn't make it to the chopper they had to go on this stage There's no toilet on the there's no it to the chopper they had to go on this stage. The go- There's no toilet on the chopper. I can tell you it went out too well. I got my chopper out and pissed on the stairs. In a dance as old as I. Oh, dance. Don't get to that chopper, please.

I'll be crap Well, I can tell you who did it oh my god. This one is a long one. It was Ian Farah And you know what I said Oh la la He shit and piss person over his shopper I have coverage you all here because somebody has broken the law son Oh, no Oh, no Shoot a law son

Somebody broken the law son Zoot a Zoot a law son Could it be? Could it be? Is it? Bendosan Bendosan Oh my god. Oh my fucking... It's called...

It has the la vista shits. Now... It has the la shit, so baby. Oh shit, crap, it's the la vista. There we go. We took us a long time to get there, but you know what? It wasn't even worse than when we arrived. Crap, it's the la, baby. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Neximos wonderful woman. Oh her name is Claire

Mary her. I wish I could marry her, but the first time I went back to her house. I shot on her stare Oh my god, she won't she won't even look me in the eye either top or lower My friend My friend My friend My friend My good friend My good friend My good friend My good friend

Have fun And my friend Fuck it My good friend I'm not going to get it. I'm not going to get it. I'm not going to get it. I'm not going to get it. I'm not going to get it. I'm not going to get it. I'm not going to get it. I'm not going to get it.

I'm not going to get it. I'm not going to get it. I'm not going to get it. I'm not going to get it. I'm not going to get it. I'm not going to get it. Of course, it was Tom Foley. Tom Foley smoking a rolly, a boof a boof. Ah, dinner shit on your stairs, they called me turd anator three. Ha ha ha ha ha. I just got engaged to my friend, Steve C. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I did the shit on your stils, they call me Arnold Schatzeneger.

And I said I'll be cack. But sadly, as a result of that, no one will speak to to me Not even my oldest and dearest J.B. This is the clip we should send in for podcast awards. I mean, we never We never put in for any of those broadcaster awards, but I would so love to submit this clip for your consideration Can we put this out as a separate episode itself? So it's eligible. You know what?

Since we don't win any anyway, we might as well. I think I think it's a truck 250 quid down the drain. We should send this to five live and say, look, come on, take a chance. Absolutely. You've got Adrian Charles on. Let us, let us finish this. Oh no, we have one more name. You name guys. What do I believe what I just did Well, I did the shit on the stairs, but did I do one no?

No, did I do two? No, did I do the no You did catrah Some apologies as of course I can see the name here it would not work with catrah For sheets on the stairs and then I was probably arrested by Richard law I was probably arrested by Richard Law Oh my god Did you just write four shits on the stairs with Richard Law? I did four Right

There you go Four shits on the stairs Please guys, Richard Law Please guys, you're affecting my rights I'm right You're affecting my right I did four shits on the stairs It was Richard Law

Never get in the way of a good rhyme, Clarkie! That concludes... That concludes... Neighborhood Patreon Watch... Errolcaw! Errolcaw, good night to everybody! Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes!

Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman planting her course to free to act in love for. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Four things. It's the like theaters, December 15th.