Pappy's Flatshare - Beef Brothers Cold Cuts w/ Mae Martin & Joe Hampson S11E24

Episode Date: June 14, 2021

The Beef Brothers are here to sort out your beef with special guests Mae Martin and Joe HampsonMae Martin - https://twitter.com/TheMaeMartinJoe Hampson - https://www.google.com/search?q=joe+hampsonPappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetIf you have a flatshare based beef you'd like us to solve then send it to [e-mail] us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareProduced by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman plotting her course to free the pap in love for. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Poor things. It's like theaters for December 15th.

Greetings, Mr. Deer! I'm Tom. I'm Ben. And I am Matthew and welcome to an episode of Papi's Flat Share Beef Brothers Cold Cuts, and what on episode do we have for you? It's a really exciting one. It's a really exciting one. It's rare actually for us to be able to claim to have the finger on the pulse. But I think we can! I think we can today. A beef is so rare it's still got a pulse. Absolutely right. That's it. Our beef is it's twitching on the slab. We have

got two of the writers of one of the hottest shows in, well, the world I guess is how it works these days. Feel good. I think your finger is moving slowly further away from the pulse the more you speak, Tom. I'm nervous. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm used to being this close to the pulse. You're not, you're nervous about being so zeitgeisty.

That's what's going on at the moment. Exactly, so, so yeah, the two writers of Feel Good, one of the hottest shows in the world today. Go currently. You've got the brilliant name Martin and Joe Anton. There goes the pulse. That was the live support machine giving out on parries on both parries finger and his pulse Yeah, of course we should say they wrote the show together may of course stars in the show

It's absolutely brilliant if you haven't seen feel good on Netflix both series are on there It's one of the best shows What is one of my favorite shows? What's the best? True, but it's also one of my favorite. One of my favorite sitcoms in the world. It's still, yeah, I mean all of this, let's just take everything I say, meaning in the world today. But yeah, Joan may wrote the a problem, don't call it a problem. If you've got a problem call it a bee. If you've got a bee, maybe we can help you be from the starting of your bee.

What a treat, thanks for doing this guys. Thanks for having us. Always nice to have an opportunity to see each other. Have you podcasted together, offered? No, this is our first time. This is our first time. This could be the end of our friendship. Yes, yes, that's right.

That's what back to your bed and I have found. It was the end of our friendship. Weirdly, we're no longer friends, but we spend a lot more time in each other's company. That's the thing we're podcasting. So if you don't want to be friends with somebody, but you want to see them all the time, start a podcast with them. That's the territory that we've been trying to move into for a while. We've made a TV show together and now we want to be together more,

but less friendly with each other. Yeah, less social and more constant. Yeah. Can I ask a question about writing together? Yeah. Because I'm always really fascinated by the dynamic. So when we were writing together, one of us would always be a keyboard person and the other one be like a pacer. And those people would change with whatever combination we were. That's interesting. Do you have a keyboard person in a pacer or do you swap it round or do you write independently then swap or what's the dynamic? By the way, we're talking about like a keyboard as in an organ and a PASA.

I assume that. Yeah, I assume that. A PASA was just someone who was running ahead of the person playing the guitar. Yeah, it was one of those ones who strapped around your neck. And we would go, okay, we've got a right, we've got a right script. Let's do a quick five K. You play a little bit of Van Gellis, and I'll start running.

That is a reason I, there's a reason our scripts were all like with a play section. Yeah. Well, I want to know more about your interpersonal dynamics to three of you. I think three is a really hard number. Yeah, because you've just said

that there's a keyboard person, a, a pacer, and then what the the dud? Listen, I have a name. Come on. We called him the stud. It was in the blue. I think in a three what you have is essentially three pairs. Oh interesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think what you get is we used to have a combination of three pairs, and normally there'd be a pacer and a keyboard person, and that, like I'd be, I'd be a keyboard person in one pair and a pacer in another pair, and.

Weirdly Tom was in every pair, that's the only thing about it. Tom managed to find a little way into every pair, which is good for us, he went more days off. The day when it was Tom and Tom, oh, it's fantastic. For us, I'm well in the outline stage. We had a white board, and I'd say Joe is very much the white board guy, really good handwriting.

Just good, he looks good standing up, kind of chewing on the pen, like, you know, it looks cool. And then we write at the same time on laptops and email them back and forth. However, I would say if we're doing like, I'd by the way, Joe's not gonna speak in this podcast. So, I'm doing my morning. No, you're dynamic, just from the way

this podcast has gone to all of it. We should save in this right. Joe's been topping out all of the things that makes me feel like. Yeah. To buy a whiteboard currently, he's gorgeous. You're just peddmanship. But when you say, like, if we're doing a document or something, I're quite whiteboard currently. You're just penmanship. But when you say, like, if we're doing a document or something, I'm a fast typhoon.

Yeah, you type. Whenever people ask questions like that, I always make the same joke, which I think you hate, which is made as all the work and I guard the door. It's such a pointless joke, is it so? I enjoy it. I enjoy the visual of me standing there with a knife, just in case anyone comes in and may furiously working on a script. You've got your writing room, has got one of those little slots, you know, it's like

a little mini door, about three quarters of the way up that you could look through. I can kind of, kind of think. And Joe just sticks a knife through it to drink. And it's even ask you, goes there, Just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just May needs to feel safe. That's really important. Well, also Joe's stopping May from leaving the room is the big thing. I mean, absolutely. He's saying you need to ride that script, mate, and you're not getting past me. Yeah, we didn't specify which way the knife is pointing. I think that's it.

It's a little mini dagger with two blades on either end. Like a sort of miniature version of what Darth Maul used to be. Darth Maul, yeah. Yeah, it's very much the, that's what it was. One point to get May, one point to get through that little hole in the door. Watch us, we can point it himself. It's three blades, it's three blades. One hole to get himself to ransom, guys, you need this job, right?

Don't walk out on this. Well, yeah, that's it. But yeah, for us, it was always, we found it very unproductive to actually write anything if there's three of us were in the room. But if we were working out what, like the synopsis of an episode would be, all three of us would be in the room for that.

Yeah, because. And then at the end as well, with kind of polishing stuff, we kind of start and finish as a three. Yeah. And then we'd pay everything. We definitely have, we'd have days, like we were running during lockdown the second season, so we were always in my flat together, but we'd have days where like,

we're just in the same room silently and you know, we're always together. Yeah, there might be times when it just seems like we're just not getting on and we're either into the room, but it's just because we're writing separate scenes and then we'll send each other a drafts of our stuff and feel jealous when the other one has done a better job. The best thing is when you're doing your thing and then I hear Joe snickering in the corner, like this evil and I know he's written something really disgusting. I need to read it and draft and vice versa. Do you guys do a thing where you would write jokes just for the others, but there was never actually

meant to go in the script, but it was just sort of meant to like test to see if they're actually concentrating or if they think you're serious. Yeah, I thought you none of us were concentrating and they all went in. So if you watch back any of our stuff, yeah, all of the jokes were just for each other. I have no dream.

Just very quickly, before we get into the beefs, I know this might be a technical question, but from a writer's point of view, did you have a real whiteboard or did you have one of those magic whiteboard things that you stick on your wall and any wall can become a whiteboard? Weirdly I invested in a massive massive whiteboard, which is not it Yeah, like a proper one. It's just in my hallway taking out space now

Yeah, we what's I didn't I don't know I'm one of these horrible ones that that sounds so that sounds great You can like you buy like on the wall. Yeah, so it's. You can like stuff like... You can like stuff like... You can like stuff like... You can like stuff like... You can like stuff like... You can like stuff like... You can like stuff like...

You can like stuff like... You can like stuff like... You can like stuff like... You can like stuff like... You can like stuff like... You can like stuff like... You can like stuff like... You can like stuff like...

You can like stuff like... You can like stuff like... You can like stuff like... You can like stuff like... You can like stuff like... You can like stuff like... You can like stuff like... You can like stuff like... You can like stuff like... You can like stuff like... You can like stuff like... It's a flip chart, it's a flip chart, size sheet of whiteboard. Yeah.

The thing I've got is like roll of wall paper, or like a roll of wrapping paper, yeah. But you can just tear off as much as you like and put it on your wall. The one thing I will say is, because we've just moved house, got the office painted, stuck one of those things up, took it off, it took all the paint off.

Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! A lot of static in the no! A lot of static in the year. A lot of static in the office. You use super clean, that's your problem. I feel like my flat already took a beating just for us being here writing because we like to sort of pass the time or if we're feeling stuck, we invented a lot of games that involve like throwing balls really fast around like there's one where you have to stand and catch the ball behind your back, but you're

like one person's got turned with their back and the other throws the ball and then shouts now and the person with their back has to grab. Rob. He's like almost Jedi training. Yeah. Yeah. We did it once. One time we succeeded. I think it was the best moment of our careers. Yeah, it was the happiest I've ever felt. Like the moment after hours of trying to catch this fucking hacky sack ball, it was you for it. Did you film it?

No. Oh. I mean, you know, in a way, you know, it was more perfect than it's just between the two. It's a magical moment. Here's the thing, Tom and Ben, that sounds like a dream to them. They would always, but anytime,

it seemed like Tom and Ben had an endless supply of like, like, there's a promotion of the balls. We balls. You always had a different promotion of rugby ball and he would always be throwing it around to each other. And all I would be thinking is, what's gonna happen is it's gonna land in the pint of water next to me and go all

of them are laptop and that's going to be the end of the day and probably the end of our friendship so I I'm not great I'm not great around ball games I'm like a character state in that respect you know no ball games I was like I don't like so I think yeah I couldn't be around for that I'd have to you know the amount of prep that I would need for the room, I'd be like, okay, right, if we are gonna play this game, we're putting the laptops away,

we're putting the water away, there can be, I'd remove all the sense of spontaneity and fun from it, I think. Right, yeah, yeah, and drop some rules quickly, and yeah, yeah, but, I'll have to be right there. The embarrassing thing is like trying to, I feel like that day we were so elated

and then trying to tell the anecdote to loads of people, and it's just maybe the worst anecdote It's like and then we can't go on You hold the ball Yeah You remember I'm like cool good for you No but we can't From the starting I can beat you

We can't Right well should we crack into some of our, you're here today to help solve some of our listeners beefs Yeah They're experiencing. In terms of your living situation, so you don't live together, but you've spent a lot of time around May's flat, is that right? Yeah, that is true.

I live in a flat, a couple of miles away with four other people. So I come here as a, just a nice escape from anyone that isn't me. What's called, yeah, so you're writing the, that's a flat, it's a flat chair and a bit, isn't it, four in the middle? It's the big though. What's the makeup?

It's huge. It's a big flat, but it's still, I mean, it doesn't matter how big it is. If you know you're gonna run into four other people at any point in your day, you know, it could be Hampton Court, you're still on edge, aren't you? You're not, you're never fully relaxed. Yeah.

Also Joe's flammate, I hope we can say this, he's bought a lizard and what? Can we discuss this? I mean, this is, this is going to be, this is actually my flat beef that I was going to talk about. The, the, the lizard. So it's a wicked pocket for now. I tell you what, let's do lizard chat now, because you can't dangle lizard and not deliver immediately.

Let's do lizard chat now, and then we'll do maze beef at the end. Let's do that. Tell us about the lizard. Well, so there are a lot of animals in our flat already. We have two cats. I brought two cats into the house. And my flat mate, a couple of months ago,

decided he was gonna to get a lizard and so he turned up one day with the big frvarium and then a couple of days later a little bearded dragon arrived. Oh, I know the guy. He's very sweet. He just, he sits there on a rock and does nothing all day. But the beef has come about because blueberry eats insects. And mainly he's got these worms that just sort of look like

woodlice. But my flatmate said, oh, he also will really, really like locusts. And I'm gonna get some locusts for the flat. Remember the Bible, guys? Oh, yeah. One of the plagues. It's the first thing you think of when you hear locusts.

You think a plague of, you know? Yeah. You know the other things Ruby loves. He loves blood and boils. But it's just scary, and first born children. But my flatmate promised us that no locus were going to escape. It was going to be absolutely fine. He was going to be really careful.

And we said, OK, you can bring locus into the flat. But if one locus escapes, no more locus, and we have to have a conversation about whether blueberry stays. So the los came in, they were transferred from the delivered in egg boxes, which is a weird way to transport a load of insects. And so you have to get them... Do you get like six in an egg box?

Is it like one locust per egg? It's about 300 per egg box. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's about 300 per egg box. Oh my god. Oh my god. So here to transfer them from this sort of egg box package into Tupperware where you just keep the locusts. And did this on our on our terrace. And it seemed to work, but then last week I was here actually and got a text from another

one of our flatmates with a picture of a little locust on the terrace saying, is this a locust? Yes, this is a locust. I'm pretty sure that's a locust. To which Blubri's owner says, I'm really sorry guys, but I'm learning. You're gonna have an infestation. Oh, you're really? So this all blows up. I go home, we're talking about the, about Locust Gate on the terrace a few hours later. And then onto the table in the middle of the terrace jumps. Another Locust. Oh my god.

So now there are Locusts loose. Then last night there was, there's another addition to Locust. Oh, but I haven't heard this bit. Another one of our flatmates, post on the group going, guys, what do baby Locusts loose. Then last night there was another addition to... Oh, I haven't heard this, but... Another one of our flatmates, posts on the group going, guys, what do baby locusts look like? No. It takes a photo.

So, of loads and loads of insects on the wall in her room. So, I don't jump out of bed, running to her room. Where are the locusts? It's just a moth in an infestation. So, it's fine. Okay. We just have moths. But infestation. So it's fine. We just have moths.

But you're on red alert. We're on red alert. Like no one can sleep. Everyone is constantly thinking about locus at all time. If there's a movement, you know, at the corner of your eye, everyone thinks it's a locus. I like the, you know, thank God it's just a moth. I mean, you're so fucking...

Moth can also really fuck up your house as well. You can eat your carpets, they can eat your clothes. What you need to know though is do locusts eat moths? Eat moths, because they're locusts. They're not good. Then you might be able to have a little mini kind of war in the fall. Well, you're into a kind of like the lady

who swallowed a fly situation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because then you've got blooper in there. Who's got a lot of eating to do. Already, they've got to get through. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got blueberry there. Because then you've got blueberry there. Who's got a lot of eating to do. Already, they've got to get through three up-moving to play, you've bearded dragons to deal with it. But I've had it. But I've had it.

Get to, sorry. I think they get, maybe, for maybe two, for one, they get quite big. It's going to be a sizable thing. At the moment, it's about four or five inches.. It's going to be a sizable thing at the moment. It's about four or five inches, but he's going to get huge. But I guess like one of the answers we came up with is we're going to tie Blue Brute. We can't like Blue Brute Blue Brute loose in the flap because we've got two cats, so I'll just eat him. So one of the answers is we're going to tie him to the end of a stick and just sort of float him round the place

and point him at any locus or insects that we see. Kind of like a miniature reptile hoover. But you pick up litter with that. Yeah, exactly. But I don't think that's the solution, which you guys need to present us with. My solution is more chaotic. I like the chaos. So I've been looking into it and I've found on Amazon that they do sell rubber locusts. And so I think you should be hiding them everywhere. I think you should invite the chaos.

I think just to freak out your father. But this was your idea when the initial locust infestation came about, where we thought that there was just one and it had been dealt with, and May said, I'm going to go on Amazon and buy a bunch of rubber locusts. We're going to hide them on your flat. It'll be really funny. But now that you know there's a locust infestation in the flat,

your answer is to hide more locusts on the flat. I think the thing is, what you need to know about May is she's been waiting, I mean, like I asked her about break advice about four years ago and she told me to buy loads of rubber locusts and she lost the remote. It's her answer to any problem is rubber locusts. What you don't realise is, May made most of her money as a rubber locust mac-nays. She's got a big warehouse and stains that's full of rubber locusts. If she can ever offload them, she's like, oh tell you what, let's buy load of rubber locusts. I tell you offload them. She's like, oh, tell you what, let's buy a load of rubber locusts.

I tell you what, you pay for them on your Amazon account. Check out, check out how you buy them from. I got fucked up over an Appearance scheme and I've been trying to get out for years. But also, but what about this? Not that I'm pushing the rubber locusts that are much more, but what if the living locust arrive and then they go, oh, this place is already taken. It's full of locusts. Like, it's the thing is, it's like, because they go, oh, this place is already taken. It's full of locusts.

Because they plague, I can't imagine any locust is like, oh, no, it's locusts. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, place, show this maths, but the sex doll. I've had the best ever. I've eaten 40 maths and I've fucked around the one of me. Feel good, feel great. God, what do, I mean, like, locus their vibe is that they strip the foliage and then leave, isn't it? Is that right? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. So I hope you've got your hands. Well, I have your house plants. Are the house plants on the scene? Are they taking a battery from the life? The main thing that me and my flatmate did during lockdown, because they were just two of us last year, was by house plants. So the place is a rainforest. So there's it's a bad environment to release locusts into.

Yeah they're going to absolutely go nuts. Cool. I don't know what to say. I'm so excited by this though. I mean I think you'll have to go. I think if you put, yeah, I mean open it up as an attraction. I think a locus later. 2.50 a bob. Yeah, you're gonna walk right on the butterfly house at Q. Yeah, yeah. So you're gonna look at this house.

It's cheaper, it's not as good, but it's cheaper. We've got a mop, we've got a mop room. That's our latest attraction, you know, we're expanding. We've got a gift shop, you that's our latest attraction, we're expanding, we've got a gift shop, you can buy rubber locusts, come down, we've got it all sorted. I was going to suggest a trail of houseplants away from your flat to somewhere else, they'll follow the foliage. Just stay away from my flat, I'm worried about Joe coming round to write and he's got locust crawling out of his eyeballs and stuff and then dropping off into my flat and then spreading.

Because I'm picturing him becoming the mummy or something where he goes like, and then they all fly out of his mouth. Yeah, if you are planning on using your teleporter, I wouldn't use it in your flat in case you turn into half-man half-locus. Half-man half-locust, exactly, yeah. Ooh, that's... Yeah. It's one of two ways, isn't it? You either fill the house with more foliage until they kind of basically feel like they've had a proper meal.

Like get a load of small trees, stick them all around. They'll strip the trees and then they'll move on to the local park. Or you just go home. Or you open Locust House. Are you going to open Locust House, yeah? park. Or you just, or you open Locust House. Are you interested in... Interesting house, yeah. No, but nobody's talking about the rubber locust anymore

and we don't know. That's not, I can get you a really good deal. Oh yeah. I also feel like no one is talking about getting rid of the locusts. Yeah. The only solutions we had so far are... This is rubber locusts for the locusts to have sex with.

More plants for the locusts to feed on. Or just embrace the whole thing and live, monetize them. Monetize the locusts. Why do you want to murder these poor locusts? They've got every much of them are right to live as you do. Joe, come on. We're all got creatures. That's true. I wonder if that's good to eat. Oh, there's going to come a time in the future when the water wars are happening and the earth is a parched wasteland. We're all going to be eating locusts and grind them into burgers and things. But they do it in, say, on the street in Bangkok.

Really? People come up to you and they're like, would you like fried locust? But I didn't do it. I did find out that that's not something that Thai people eat at all. It's just a way for them to go. Let's see if those tourists. That's really funny. Hey, you like eating it?

How'd you like to fuck a rubber one? I've got one over here. That is like you. So hang on, are we saying that Locust House could be a restaurant in 10 years time? Oh yeah. Yeah, that's good. There are some places, right? When I was in Vietnam, I went to the alligator park that you looked at all the alligators and then you ate an alligator afterwards. Oh, there are some sort of things like that. Derek.

It's with the guy took us there because we didn't eat meat but we ate, we said we're pescatarian and they didn't really know what that was so our tour guide was like, well alligators, we alligators, right, don't you? And I was like, no, because we're pescatarian. He's like, yeah, but they go in the water. We were like, we're not that bad. So we ate an alligator. Eat the locus because they're alligarian. He's like, yeah, but they go in the water. We were like, no, that's, so we hate Navgator.

Eat low. Because they're at the end. Oh my God. Yeah. Was it a bit like going into a fish restaurant, like a pick in the lobster? Did you choose the alligator that you go? No, it was from the farm.

It was from their park, but they weren't going, which ones you like. Because it was saying. I think that's fine, they're evil. They are bad, aren't they? They are, they are. They're certainly on the... Yeah, in fact, yeah.

Lobsters and alligators, they certainly look pretty... They look bad, you paint them as bad guys in the car team, wouldn't you? No, Lobsters, not for me. Lobsters, I think. Lobsters look quite... Yeah, they do look sweet. Yeah. And the alligators, is the BDIs,

but you don't, you don't really have to. I mean BDIs? That's good to know. That's what I was. You don't, you never stare into a lobster's eyes and think, oh my god, I could go for a swim. They're like, they're like two black beans on stalks on it. They've got a fuck off claws.

But a boss from a tiny reason. I'm scared of lobster's. Yeah, that's what we're going at. I've been trying to think of a pun with pest and pesto for about five minutes now. Anyway, just wait a minute. I'm going to tell you what, if you think of it at any point in the next week, this goes out on the 15th, you've got plenty of time, just record it and we'll drop it in. Yeah, sure. Sure. Right, so is that beef solved for Joe?

I believe it is. Yeah, we've given Joe plenty of options. None of them to get rid of the locust, but they're all great options. I think Locust House is the winner for me. Joe, how are you going to go? What do you think? I guess Locust House, because we've just finished

series two of Feelgood. So technically, I'm Lucas House, because, you know, we've just finished series two of Feelgood, so technically I'm unemployed at the moment. And also, you could set it up as a rival to sow her house or shortage house, you know. Yeah. It's nothing to have you been to the terrace at Lucas House. Yeah, you're seeing that. Yeah, a big glass swimming pool just jutting out the side of your flat. Fill it with lobsters,

then you've got lobsters pool and locused house. Everybody streams us to swim with lobsters. I think that's really clever actually because the thing that I don't love the idea of is loads of people coming in and out, you know, paying them money, looking at locus. I like a membership where people can come by, the same people come by every day, they enjoy the place, they work there with the locus. I use your wifi with the locus. Yeah. But you know what, actually, because there are things like,

there's like cat cafe and there's goat yoga. You know, locust wifi could be a thing, isn't it? You know, people go to the cafe, you cat cafe and the cats all just wandering around and you can stroke a cat and then there's the, you know, the yogurt you do and goats just around and like wandering around to sort of... I've not heard you out.

You just goat yoga? Yeah, goat yoga's a thing. People do yoga in the same room as a bunch of goats. Yeah, locus wi-fi, that's, you know, you make it, and you get grass here to do an ass colonnette and caching, cfi, you know, you make it, you get grats, you get to do an ask-a-lonit, and kachink kachink, you know, I'm on the tom here. Yeah, so what about this, instead of membership cards,

everyone gets a rubber locus. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But remember, show numbers. Everybody wins, that's it, that's it. It's a gorgeous key ring Be solved beef soul Should I read it? Yes, if you would yeah, okay ready everyone. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I Okay It's from Chip. Hello to the supposed in brackets problem solvers. That's quite

passive-aggressive after that. I mean, what a start from our friend Chip. Yeah. I mean, he's got a point. Yeah, very much. But at the same time, you know, you catch more flies with Chip. What's the, you catch more flies with shit. What's the phrase? Catch more bees with honey. Locust bees with honey. You say more. Are you saying that I need to spread more shit around my house? Yeah, I have an idea.

Listen, it's going to affect Locust House reviews online. I was going to enjoy Locust House until the fly room. Okay, hello to the supposed problem solvers. I live with my parents and, okay, so Chip lives with their parents. I live with my parents and I was going through a cupboard a few weeks ago when I found some magazines, presumably belonging to my dad of lingerie models. This is probably a very common occurrence, but there's also a magazine of underwear models specifically by the female cast of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

My main question is whether I should burn them, but I'd also like to know whether you think I'll ever be able to rekindle my celebrity crush on Allison Hanigan. Thanks, Chip. I'm not giving my real name. My parents might hear this, sort of doubt it. And things would go...

I know, don't help. If Chip's parents listen to this, they're going to know each then. They're not going to be like, oh, there's someone else who's got a stash of Buffy the Vampire Slayer models in lingerie in the cupboard. This sounds so familiar. The only difference is we don't have a sun called chip. So hang on, can you tell us how this right? One of the magazines was specifically the cast of Buffy the Vampire Slayer wearing lingerie. Is that right? Yeah, I don't know when they would have or why those actresses would have done that.

It must have been like a sort of loaded magazine or FHM shoot back in the 90s, right? Or back in the early 2000s, right? Would that be it? Probably, have you got this magazine? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ships, dad. Oh, you're a genius.

You're a genius from like 2001, this year. You're a nice one. I'm sorry. You're a nice one. I'm sorry. You're a nice one. I'm sorry. You're a nice one. I'm sorry. You're a nice one. I'm sorry. You're a nice one.

I'm sorry. You're a nice one. I'm sorry. You're a nice one. I'm sorry. You're a nice one. I'm sorry. You're a nice one.

I'm sorry. You're a nice one. I'm sorry. You're a nice one. I'm sorry. You're a nice one. I'm sorry. You're a nice one. I'm sorry. like the photos of Chip Off, Alison and Henigan. So what are these photos? Just because you're sharing the crush with one of your parents shouldn't affect your crush, right? Yeah, it's breed. Like I'm being my mum girl, fancy my dad. But also, Chip assumes that these magazines are Chip's dads. They could easily be the moms too.

Sure, exactly. And I think she was buying lingerie. And she was like, oh, I'm liking it. To be fair. Or both. Yeah. She was just thinking, what did Sarah Michelle Gellar wear back in the day?

I'd like to wear that. It could be both of them together. Think about that chip. It could be your parents. They're looking at these pictures together. They're doing a little role play. One of them's playing spike. You know, one of them's playing giles. You know, whatever. I think having a bit of role playing fun. So the role play is is Spike and Giles

wanking over pictures of the girls in lingerie? Right, you read nice fashion fiction, yeah. LAUGHTER But yeah, I think the main thing you shouldn't do is burn them. You said that, you don't say that. You said that, you don't say that. You've got to embrace the fact that your parents are sexual creatures I think that's, you don't say that as well. You don't say that as well. I'm asking them with holy water. Yeah.

You've got to embrace the fact that your parents are sexual creatures with urges. Yeah. And that's healthy. And see as an opportunity for bonding. Yeah. And also, that's a relatively tame, I mean, really tame. Like, yeah, it could have been so much worse. Yeah.

It could have been that. That's false. I mean. Next time, you're have been so much worse. Yeah. It could have been... I mean, the axe falls. Some of you. LAUGHTER Next time you're all in the front room, you could say, I fancy watching some old episodes of Buffey, whack it on, judge from the reaction of your parents, which one you think it might be. I'm glad you said whack it on there.

LAUGHTER And, you know, like, you could put it on, and kind of, you might get a read. A bit like Hamlet, the plays, the thing. You know, put it on, screw to nice your parents, see which one is given off the vibes. And then, and then... And then, and then... And then, and then, and then...

And then, and then, and then... And then, and then, and then, and then... And then, and then, and then, and then... And then, and then, and then... And then, and then, and then... And then, and then, and then... And then, and then, and then... And then, and then, and then... And then, and then, and then... And then, and then, and then... And then, and then, and then... lingerie to really hammer the plan. Yeah, just in case they didn't understand what chip was getting at. Longer ain't it, I don't know what it was.

Yeah, it was a steak. And some fangs. I don't think you're trying to arouse your parents, but I think you're trying to connect with them. You know, in a healthy adult way. Do I miss understanding the beef? The beef ones the chip one. Yeah, the beef is how tight it tells my parents. I've discovered the way that I've been arousing my parents.

This whole time is wrong. My dad is, my mum or dad is into Buffy. How do I facilitate this arouse on now? Right. But I never understand why people, like the lingerie porn exists. So I don't understand why it's like, it's just sort of, is it so that if they get found,

they're not too embarrassed? Why not just get porn? The dad or the mom? Is that the answer? Sit your parents down and tell them about porn. Yeah, yeah. Guys, if you've been getting off to this, then this is going to blow

your fucking minds. Just think that like sometimes it's like porn's like a bit much straight off the bat. Yes. And you't go BDSM before 7AM. That's what that's like, he's motto. Start with TVAM and then work your way up. Yes. But you're right, though, it is a bit, like a lot of people read erotic fiction instead. And this is like an easy way. It's a nice halfway house.

Yeah, you're right, actually, yeah. I've never done any Pappy's erotic fiction or erotic art. It's like the... It exists. No. There is some slash fiction of the three of us getting it on. You're joking. No, it's not.

It's out there. I used to get it. I used to be fair to Clark on. You're the lucky one. No, it's out there. I used to get it. Fair to Clarky, it's very well written. So someone who's not used to being at the keyboard, he gave it a really good name. But there was another sketch team that's called the Penny Dreadfuls. I don't know if you remember them.

Yeah. Humphrey, David and Tom, who there was lots of like, all of us getting it on in various permutations, I think. Wow. Yeah. So this was a real sketch fanatic, a male sketch troop sketch fanatic. Wow, that's amazing. There's some feel good fanfiction too. And weirdly, someone's taken, I mean, not weirdly, I'm very happy for people to do it, but interestingly, someone's taken, I mean, not weirdly, I'm very happy for people to do it, but interestingly, someone's taken, instead it in like the, like the 1100s, so it's like

Lady George and her maid, Mae, and I'm the maid that's this like nervous, bumbling fool, and then George is like this strict lady of the house. That's the thing is, you said no to all of these story lines when I pitched them a birthday speech. So like I've got to let it out somehow. Sure. I was just as pretty much the kind of roleplay that you end up doing in the show. Yeah.

When you do your role play scenes, that's basically it. I mean, yeah. I've got a cater to what people want. So if that's basically it. I mean, yeah. I've got a caterer to what people want, so that's what they want to see. That's if it's not out there. Why not write it yourself? So is this our suggestion that you actually write some erotic fiction about your parents having sex

with the cast of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and just leave it about the house? Is that what we normally... Wait, that's a chip. You thought we weren't going to solve your problem, but... LAUGHTER I like my suggestion of replacing it with porn and moving them on to the next level. Just give them a friendly, friendly nudge on.

That's the locus-towage suggestion. Just use it. See where this goes. Let's expand. What's the problem? You're an excellent. You're an excellent. You're an excellent. just how suggestion, just say where this goes, let's expand. What's the problem? You can't sand. You can't sand with a card, can you?

You can't go straight away in one go. But they're at level four, right? Oh, I didn't know the code. Go on to what's the level four? No, no, no, I was just going to think. I'm thinking level one or two is like things that you have to use your own imagination, like catalogues. You know, you kind of think like...

Thank you. ...to the August cat. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Were you looking at bed in an IKEA catwalk? What could happen on that bed? Yeah, it was the 11th century... Oh, it's a tree! There's a command!

And then three four is like three or four or five is like sexy underwear. That's the stage that they're at. You want to move your six, you know, I think five six seven is kind of, you know, old school photo, buy in the shops, top shelf. Like a seventies edition of Playboy, maybe we're talking tons of pubes everywhere. Yeah, airbrushed, like airbrush center folds with lots of pubic care. And then anything six pluses modern day grot on Lollies.

We can't stress it out, this is the levels, not the age should just say that we just like a Georgia story where it's like so got six plus written on the outside Yeah, Tom. Oh, how high does this go? Sit here all evening 500 600 You do you need space? We need to know Into the end of pornography That's a lot of fun. You're doing it in space. Tom, please don't ever ask. Tom, don't go into the end of pornography.

Don't go to level 500 before 12pm. Please guys, just... Yeah, yeah. I think, I think, shifting them on to the next level, my open their mind and make them live longer ultimately. Oh, my God. Oh, that's bad. Oh, I'm getting it. That's bad, okay?

Oh, it's solved. From the starting I can be! It's solved. Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman plotting her course to free to act in love for. It's nonstop bonkers brilliance.

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So this is a small beef, to be honest, a small chip of laughter in the beef world, as opposed to the large beef pies with extra beef gravy that you usually deal with in your podcast. I feel like someone is vying to get on the podcast with this. Yeah, and it's worked. And I just say as well, the way you started that, you're a phenomenal actor. I thought that was you took, I didn't realize you were reading the thing out, even though I've read that before and I'd sent it to you, I was like, oh, it's like editorializing on this, but then I realized seamlessly, you've got chops, man. Thanks very much. As I said, I am unemployed the moment. So I'm taking office. This person says we have an ongoing beef in our office as to whether food times are breakfast lunch and dinner or breakfast dinner and tea. I'm very much in the dinner and tea camp. In the evening I have always said that I'm

going home from my tea and those who say they're going home for dinner, just seem as if they've missed an hour and a meal in my opinion. Someone will then always throw in the, what about afternoon tea? I'm saying this in a sarcastic voice. But the last person to throw that one in didn't drink tea, only coffee, so it would have to be afternoon coffee, which isn't a thing. And therefore, we have chucked out that out and told them that they are an idiot. I know this is only minor, but we need you in your role as the beef justice to solve this once and for all. Thanks everyone by Big Tone.

Big Tone. Big Tone. Big Tone. Big Tone. Big Tone. Big Tone. Big Tone. Big Tone. Big Tone. It's Big Tone. Big Tone. Big Tone. Big Tone. Thank you for that. I feel like this is going to be a deeply personal thing. Should we just go round and just say what we think? Joe, we'll start with you.

My thoughts are, firstly, when I read this, I was slightly annoyed that this wasn't anything to do with a flat or a flat share or housing. It's a beef that they're having with people in their office. But that's a different issue. We don't know big tones living situation. He could be sleeping on his head. He's working from home.

That's true. Yeah. I uphold the idea of breakfast, dinner and tea. I'll just about let someone get away with saying, what are you having for your tea, as in your dinner, your evening meal. But to say dinner for lunch is, yes, an aberration. So I'm North American North American so obviously I'm breakfast lunch dinner all day long But I'm wondering Joe do you think that that's because you watched American tea like that you feel this way because you watched American television growing up And you've somehow lost track of your your heritage My heritage being people saying dinner for lunch. Yeah

Yeah, this this this writing partnership really is over. I don't know, is that, is that what people say? Here, I have a certain, I have a certain generation where people say... Is it, is it an north south divide? I think it's geographical. I think it could be, yeah. I think, well this is where, this is where it's exciting to hear from some Midlanders because you're right in the middle.

What? Where? I've done here that sentence I'm the same issue Joe. I'm breakfast. I'm like Colin Farrell breakfast lunch and fucking dinner That's a but Harry and Clarky that's a level 100 by the way That's it, but parry a clarky. That is a level 100 by the way. Yeah. I am a breakfast dinner tea, I'm afraid to say. Oh, yeah. What are we having for tea?

It's tea time. Gotta go home for my tea. But what about lunch? Are you saying dinner though? Are you not saying breakfast lunch and tea? Well I think dinner or lunch can interchange for me without it being a problem because you have dinner ladies at school. It's dinner time. You have a lunch box.

You pop out for some lunch. What did you have for dinner? Whereas what do we have for tea? There's no confusion. It's a lunch time though. Where did the dinner ladies work at school? Yeah, did you have lunch ladies at school? No, you had dinner ladies at dinner time at school. What lunch ladies are American term? Isn't it? You've got lunch ladies, yeah.

We have dinner. So tees in a movable feast in the literally in the evenings and then lunch and dinner However you feel and to be honest if it's a bit light if you're having your sad is it's lunch or I'm gonna have pasta It's dinner, you know, like I feel like That gives you tools to play with and then obviously breakfast I call morning lunch with and then obviously breakfast I call morning lunch. I want to I want to interrogate this slightly because I don't I don't quite believe you Tom my reasoning is Matt and Ben acted quite shocked when they heard that you would refer to lunch as dinner and you guys have known each other for a long,

long time, which suggests either you never refer to lunch as dinner, you refer to it as lunch, or they refuse to ever eat lunch with you. Well, that's very true, but that's for different reasons. Wee slunch and pairs, you should know this. That is. Tom never went to the lunch pair. I always pay you. I sing around that, too. Getting a step set. Because I think if they say, let's go for lunch, that's what I'm saying is, I'm flexible. Lunch can be lunch, or lunch can be dinner, or dinner can be lunch.

So I'm never going to have a conversation with somebody. We'll write a course. You wouldn't say what time should we break for dinner? Yeah, I don't mean to be into seven or eight p.m. I think you might, you might be more of a lunchboy. I'll accept T, but I think you're a lunch lad. I think if T stays as T, that's what I mean. It gives me flexibility.

Whereas I don't think the other way allows flexibility. What? What do you call it when you take a lizard to a stick and it's a wrap-silly object? LAUGHTER Is that dinner? I think that's a lunchboy. A lunchboy?

Yeah, I don't know what the reason to mind is what that is. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but you know, I'm not going to let it down as law. I feel like it's each to their own on this. What do you think? Yeah. Well, I am a breakfast, lunch and tea. And if I were to substitute anyone, it would be T for dinner. Yeah, fair. All bases covered there.

So what is this person gonna do with their coworker? It sounds like they're all ganging up on this person and being like, really harsh with this person. But I think what we've learned is that it's a broad church and you should be open to all interpretations. Does it not go that way? Yeah. Like if you're inviting somebody out for dinner, I will say this as well. I think I think dinner and tea, I think if you're eating at home and you've made it yourself, it's your tea. But if you're eating out in a restaurant, it's

also good. It's not like you're in a head as you've just out in a restaurant, it's going to be so good. It's also good. It is, you've just made pornography. No, but you're right. You're right. You're not going to see it. I'm going out for tea, like, you know. Yeah, that's not a fast restaurant. I think that's where afternoon tea comes in.

Because you know, the whole, he would say, what about afternoon tea? A big table saying that, and they just missed it. That is a different meal entirely, isn't it? If you go for afternoon tea, that's little sandwiches, little cakes, a pot of tea, maybe a glass of Prosecco, if it's fancy, but that's it, that's a separate, that's a separate. But also, there's a bit like, there's a way to buy nachos.

No, but also I think. Afternoon tea, I think, strengthens the case because you have to have afternoon before. Yeah, yeah, totally. Which means you're bringing tea into the afternoon, whereas where tea normally sits, is it tea time? And when's tea time, it's in the evening?

It's not as often in tea, not a reference to the fact that it's based around tea. The drink? The drink, because he's specified this person only drinks coffee and afternoon coffee is a thing, which I agree with, but he's focusing his argument around drinks. Around the drinks. I have a question. I'm getting quite ahead of about. Yeah, I never seem to like this.

He's fuming. Also, I have a question. What about supper? Great question. Oh, yeah. So what's the tea, right? Yeah, that's it. I think supper comes if you're having like very late.

It's very late. It's very late. It's often if you've missed dinner or if you've had a very early, very early dinner and then like you've done something like, we would make it right. All of it. This is a bit, this is a bit like, you know, it's a bit churchy, but I think we would have a supper like after midnight mass, right?

You know, we come back and we'd have a supper like after midnight mass, right? We'd come back and we'd have a little supper before we went back to bed, you know, because that would be... That would be a very sexual, doesn't it? That would be a very sexual, doesn't it? We've been doing that mass. We've been doing that mass.

We've been doing that mass. We've been doing that mass. We've been doing that mass. We've been doing that mass. We've been doing that mass. We've been doing that mass. We've been doing that mass. We've been doing that mass. We've been doing that mass. We've been doing that mass. previous year. That's what when you text someone's up that's what you're me. I actually solve the problem by having five meals a day. I have breakfast then lunch then I move

on to dinner then I have tea and then I have supper. What about I'm the weakens. I'm the weakens. I'm the weakens. I'm the weakens. I'm the weakens. I'm the weakens. I'm the weakens. I'm the weakens. I'm the weakens.

I'm the weakens. I'm the weakens. I'm the weakens. I'm the weakens. I'm the weakens. I'm the weakens. I'm the weakens. I'm the weakens.

I'm the weakens. I'm the weakens. I'm the weakens. I'm the weakens. I'm the weakens. I'm the weakens. I'm the weakens. I'm the weakens. I'm the weakens. I think he's actually a lover midnight feast. Oh my God. Did you ever have a midnight feast, Emma? Was that ever a thing? I was always quite stressed out at sleepovers with friends and stressed out by the horror films we were watching.

So I knew my mom wouldn't allow me to watch them at home. And so I always felt like this pressure, like I should call her and ask her permission if I was allowed to watch the horror movie. So I was mostly focused on that while everyone was like gorging and having their... Yeah, no, we would have snacks and... And we would... We would get to the horror movies, or you're more scared of your parents.

Oh, just scared of my mom. Yeah, and my parents. I wanted to watch the horror movies, but I was so worried that I'd have to confess that I'd watched it, because I knew I wasn't allowed to watch, like, plus 16 or whatever movies, and everyone wanted to watch Scream or the Blair Witch project. I've gone off an intention here about films like that, but yeah. No, mate, I was exactly the same.

I once went home and said to my parents, look, I'm going to Chrissie Sleepover on Friday, but they're all planning to watch Slyver, the Sharon Stone sexy Phil, I know you wouldn't want me to watch it, and they made me call up Chris, and I had to had to say look I've told my mom that we're gonna watch Slyver and he was like oh no why did you do that I was like because I was feeling really scared about it or I felt nervous about it and so that I had to

make them promise that they wouldn't watch Slyver for me to go to sleep over so I had to go to sleep over with like five incredibly horny, angry teenage boys and try and be more value at the sleep over than the watching Sharon Stone in sliver, which is like an absolute losing battle. We should have been friends, we would have been watching mighty ducks having a lovely time. And actually it's a much more enjoyable way. Watch the mighty ducks, Have a midnight feast. Going to sleep guilt-free. Yeah.

I went the other way. I went to see a rude film in the cinema, but told my parents I was going to see a different film. And now whenever I see anything to do with that different film, I genuinely feel guilty about it. I went to see the movie, do you remember the movie, Sirens, with El the Body McPherson, it was not straight-leel, with Sam Neils in it, yeah, yeah, it was like

a sexy, it was basically, it was such an, in fact, I think it's Hugh Grant in it as well. Yeah, it's Hugh Grant in it. Yeah, it might be a good film, I'd be working with you. Hugh, the tour so grand, yeah. But it was about a priest who goes to this permissive life modeling to go and speak to this permissive life modeling guy for some reason. And it was basically all these women were walking out all their clothes off. So me and my friends were going to see that.

But we pretended we were going to go and see the Bruce Willis comedy North. Do you remember where Bruce Willis is playing like a big bunny? And it's about a guy who divorces his parents. And I didn't know anything about the film. I hadn't done any research on it. But then when my parents said, oh, how was North? When they picked me up from the cinema, I said,

how was North? I started making up a plot of the movie. No, no, no, no. I went into just phenomenal amounts of detail about this movie. I was just, you know, it was, it was, I could tell they knew as well. You know, when you're like, I'm so deep into this lie. If I went, I'm lying, I went to see the Rudy movie.

We probably all have a laugh about it, but I was just sweating and going, yeah, I was brilliant. I was Bruce Willis did this amazing thing where he like, fought somebody it's like I wouldn't have fought somebody to Christy, it's a comedy, it's got one of his action movies. You know, shoot Alan Rickman, but yeah it was, uh... The thing that I've gotten from this is that, again, your, your kinks, your sexual kinks are very much related to religion. What? Wait, how? Oh, the reason that I'm born is a bit... Oh, I was a bit...

I wasn't pleased. And then my mouse coming back for supper, like I feel like we keep coming back to this. Well, you... You're the one who's been like that. Yeah. You're the worst thing ever. You're the sentence.

You're the sentence. I mean, to be a nightmare, I'm a separate. You went to sex. Straight to the way. You're the sentence I'm into, I'm asking my supper and you went to sex. You're the only one. You're the one who wants to fuck a Bible mate, not me. All of you seem to be very defensive about this. Let's go into this. So can I pick, is it my first thing? I think what we've got out of this is that it is unequivocably breakfast lunch.

Well, I'm not weighing in because I'm Canadian, I think tea is bizarre. It's bizarre to call it's dinner to me forever, but I'm happy to be outvoted. Yeah, I think naming it after a drink is just confusing. If someone says I'm on a tea break, you're like, what are you on your tea break? It's half past eleven. I'll accept it as long as dinner's the last meal of the day. Yeah, I think it's got to be. Before supper, of course.

Of course, I'm in midnight feast. Sorry, big tone. That's beef solved. From the sorting I can be! Yes, I have. I have a flatmate, and she's lived here for a couple of years, and about a year into us knowing each other a great mystery took place so

Happen I woke up in the morning and I came into the living room my flatmate Rosie who'd been out the previous night was a Seder name, that's all right We complete the name if you want to us to bleed the name. No, I think leave it in so I come up. She's like, hey man, oh yeah, had a really fun night. She's sort of slouched on the sofa. I go to sit down on the chair that, just like I'm sitting on right now. And I jump up because what I've sat on

is what can only be described as a sardine cushion. So I'm like, that's wet, but not on these. It's like sodden. Like it's like the cushion on the seat is like it's been submerged in water. So these are the details you need to know. There is no water anywhere else, not around the chair. There's no water on the table.

There's no water anywhere. I cradle this sodden cushion, which is now, you know, it's heavy, it's streaming liquid. I take it over to the sink. I'm like sodden cushion, which is now, you know, it's heavy, it's streaming liquid. I take it over to just sink. I'm like, what is this? She's like, I have no idea. She's, I said, did you spill something? No. 100%. She said, I just, I came in last night. I woke up this morning. I came inside on the sofa. I have no idea. The window is closed. It hasn't rained. So at this point, I Google can go make things wet. And so I'm looking into every possible angle, but she swears. And I'm like, are you sure? Because she came

home late. And the crucial piece of information that you need to know here, that she says is irrelevant. And I think is so relevant, is that she texted me at 4 a.m. on the night in question saying I'm drunker than I've ever been. Okay so she but she says but she says I don't black out like I would remember if I'd pissed on a cushion or if I'd spilled something but I'm like something has happened here that's either you've pissed yourself or something's happening you've gone and washed the cushion maybe, but the fact that it wasn't wet around the chair. Did you smell the skin?

Yeah. So it smelled, it's just hard to, it smelled like sort of salty, it's what I want to say, but it didn't smell, it didn't smell like clean water, and I can't discern whether it was bodily fluid. And I am squeezed it into glasses. I'm filling up glass after glass.

Like I think it would have swelled. So it's not sweat. It's not like she's like sweat a lot and just got it damped that way. This is like, this is a ton of liquid. I can't stress enough how much it's like someone has submerged this cushion and then sort of balanced it on the dry chair. Like it, there was so much liquid in it. And neither of this day, she's like someone has submerged this cushion and then sort of balanced it on the dry chair.

Like it, there was so much liquid in it. And neither of it, to this day, she's like, I swear to God, I have no memory loss from that night. I came stumbled in, went to my bed. We have no explanation for it. I mean, the thing is, if she'd woken up on the sofa, then that would be, you know, be an opening shot of closed beef case. But this is...

Did you say closed beef case? Yeah, an opening shot of closed beef case. That's when it's really easy to solve beef. That's one of our... I like that a lot. I like that a lot. That's very much it. It's very much. It's very much. Yeah, because, you know, as somebody who has, you know,

pissed to the cushion, not the cushion, but pissed whilst drunk, and not remembered it, you sort of, you wake up in the place and you go, ah, that's what's happened, because you're been there. Yes, you're there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's irrefutable. Also, I think you'd have picked up on peace. I think it's got a single spot.

I think, yeah, and I think even if you've drunkenly pissed and then rinsed, I don't think the piss is going in far. I don't think you'd have to work. I'm happy to basically, I'm happy to roll out piss. Really? And what about something else? Like she spilled something and then tried to wash it. Or...

That's why I wouldn't. I guess the saltiness is quite interesting. Like, because it's piss salty, I don't think it is. Jizz is. I mean, salty. Sweaty salty. Sweaty salty, yeah. It can't have been sweat.

There's no way. It can't have been jizz. You'd have known, and also, if your flatmate's able to soak an entire cushion with cheers, she should be in the movies. Yeah, she should be. And I would have heard about, she would have been posting about that.

Yeah, I know, I'd have caught my mom and told her that you guys were gonna make me watch that movie and I'm gonna be in the sleep, right? Yeah, but, see what I, so, well, come on, what, let's talk. Yeah, let's talk. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, Watch that movie and I'll be back. Sleepover. Yeah, but... Sea water. So, well, come on, let's just talk. Yeah, let's just talk. As she spills a cup of brine.

Spilted a cup of brine. Was there a tin of hot dog sausages nearby? Had she eaten some pickles? All I can think is that it was a ghost, and I've really looked at every other option, and when I Google do ghost make things wet, yes they do. Yeah, I mean how salty is ectoplasm? That's what we need to be thinking, down those lines I think, because since then nothing

has been wet. So she was so pissed that she brought a ghost home. And the ghost cheers everywhere. She fucked a ghost, guys. She fucked a ghost. Have there been any other ghostly things happen in the house? Is this the first and only time that you've seen? One weird thing was there was broken glass in my bedroom. The source of which could not be found. Not the same night. Did you was the glass from a

full of brine you had? There were no missing glasses in the house. I came home one day and there was broken glass on my bedroom floor. She hadn't been home in days either. Big bits of glass. She hadn't been home in days either. So I know I'd be big bits of glass. Yeah, like as if a window had broken almost. Fucking hell. That's what I had. One, make it a little bit first. That's what classic than the wet cushion.

Oh no, I'm like this. One thing to add is I don't lock my door. It's a, you know this job. It's a weird thing about me. Oh fuck, this has just made me think about the cushion as well. Because I don't lock my door. Someone came in and came in. Someone just came in. Chucked a little brine over the cushion and then left. That's possible. Because it's not that I choose, I just forget to lock it all the time.

And because I'm in a building, so I figure like the main door is locked downstairs. But my flat door, I often leave unlocked. I mean, after this podcast, I'm gonna lock it all the time. Because I'm in a building, so I figure the main door is locked, downstairs, but my flat door, I often leave unlocked. I mean, after this podcast, I'm going to lock it. You could do that. You could do that. You could do that. I could be there a ghost.

Oh, wait, no. I'm living in you. Yeah, if it's the unlocked thing, I put ghosts out your mind for that. Yeah. Yeah. Came in and pissed, like, marked the territory. Maybe the intruder was gonna come back and do something like they marked their territory by stealing a cup of brine On the cushion. Yeah, yeah, cuz we've ruled out this you we've ruled out tears Oh, it could be tears. Oh, someone came in and cried

It was the previous owner of the sofa. Why don't I ever sell you? You were the best thing that ever happened to me. And then out, you know, just these, you're not crying. You're not crying a couple of days though, are you? No, you can't. I mean, that's what's so confusing about the whole thing

is the amount of, just the amount of liquid you're talking about. I'll send you a photograph for when this comes out of its helpful. I have a visual of me holding this, holding it, and I'm draining it into a cup and what color is it? Well, it's not clear. It's like off white, but it's sort of like this.

It is sort of like this. Is it yellowy? It's not not yellowy. It is sort of like piss. Is it yellowy? It's not not yellowy, but it's not. Oh, I'm not. It's not like the dark color that we would know to be piss. It's like a sort of... On the blackboard. So when I rolled out piss early doors,

you didn't feel the need to tell me that it also looked like piss. LAUGHTER As you're're in this case. You've withheld some very serious evidence from me. It didn't look exactly like peace. It looks like it could have been drain water or something. So did it have bits in it? Did it have nothing floating in it? What was the weather like that night?

No rain. I asked my Alexa. First of all, I said Alexa What was the weather like that night? No rain, I asked my Alexa, first of all I said Alexa, what the hell happened last night? Then I said, did it rain? And Alexa was like, no, it was on zero rain. It was Alexa. That was possible. Alexa, have you been crying? You mad, I busted.

LAUGHTER The thing about it though is, like Alexa, you know, that one of the big problems people have with the Alexa and all that kind of stuff is that they're recording everything we do. Surely, there's gotta be a function, there's gotta be a function where you can go Alexa, playback last night.

There's gotta be some sort of little hack that goes, play back what happened there, because if you could- I bet there's secret hacks, yeah. There's gotta be, you know, there's gotta be someone must know. Bezos is gonna know this. Just bezos.

He'll know how to do that. Yeah. I think you need to get to get to bezos. So you're thinking I shouldn't cast any more blame on my flatmate or did she- No, I think she pissed. I think she pissed the sater. Yeah, I think she pissed the sater. Well, it was a chair. This is what's weird. It's not somewhere you would slouch unconscious. It's a chair.

Like I'm sitting on now. I think it's a spill of some sort. It tries to cover. But do you know how to spill my piss again? She is trustworthy though. It's a character, right? I think she pissed the sater. Yeah, I think she pissed the sater. Well, it was a chair. I tried to cover. But like, do you know I just spilled my piss in here?

She is trustworthy though, is the character right? Yeah, yeah, extremely. But before being right, you know. We've all spilled. It made it. It made it. We've been out, we've had a few drinks. We've been, we've come back, we've had our brine, and we've done a piss in a cup, and then we've spilled the cup on the chair and gone,

do you know what, it's bedtime. It's bedtime, have had to brine. Have had me supper, I'm tired to go. God, I'm fascinated by this, and I don't know the answer. I don't think it can be known. I think it's the greatest mystery I've ever met. It's open. Sixth part, Netflix documentary. I think you've actually, yeah, you've this the first time we've ever had a beefy commercial.

It could be like, okay. Have you seen the soggy cushion on Netflix? It's the show everyone's talking about. Yeah, but people would be like, we are now. It would get to the end. You wouldn't have a satisfying ending on the documentary series. But if you get the Netflix money,

I bet you could send that cushion to a lab, and they'd be able to tell you some serious shit. Yeah, that's really true. Yeah. You've got to send it to a lab. You've got to have it tested. Yeah, and I could get her DNA quite easily, I think. She gives up that DNA easily.

LAUGHTER It's all like the hat that the flat is allows you with DNA, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. Locusts and DNA. Yeah, I think that's what you need to do. Get it to a lab. And report that. That's how we saw, so beef closed is getting an Netflix series so you can have enough money

to send the cushion to a lab. Yeah, like that, I like that. Okay, and then come back on and share the results. We'll do. Yeah, please do. Please do. Guys, thank you so much. This has been really fun. That was great. I've had a lovely time. Thanks so much for having us. Do you want to very quickly tell us about Feelgood? I mean, everyone knows about Feelgood already, but tell us about the show where people can see it, all of that kind of paper. You know, it's on Netflix now.

And yeah, you know what, you should, I'm always... Feel Good To is on Netflix right now. Sick. And I mean, that's all I have to say here. Hopefully the way that I, my tone of voice, was slightly more enthusiastic than that. Yeah, totally. Totally. Yeah. Feel Good To is on Netflix now. Love it. Hopefully the way that I my tone of voice was slightly more enthusiastic

Feel good to is on Netflix now I love it. Yeah, I've seen I've seen five of the six and it's fantastic. It's really Really really really good. Yeah, you should be really really proud of it Lovely to see you guys Hang out in public or in person I think so in either way You're going to be like a public or a person You can take a picture P or P, and tap P

And never the twig shall we From the starting I can be Wow, there you go Loved that And afterwards It left us all feeling good. I was trying to say cool things. And anyway, well that's what makes you feel good.

How about that? You think it's one of those? Let's try to make outcros in the world today. It's hard. It's hard when you're being current and part of, I am struggling, I can see why people have these meltdowns. It's not a usual place is it it's it's very

on us. I can see why people jump the fence when they're in celebrity people brother you know the glare of the animation. I mean you know that's how this feels right now you can just do the intro and outro it just feels like oh my god suddenly we're in the tab are we gonna be in the tabloids you know anyway what a treat thank you for listening yeah thank you for listening if you want more may and joe then over on our patreon in just a couple of days time from first day onwards there's gonna be an extra bonus beef that isn't including the main episode you won't have heard it it's exclusive just to the patreon so get yourself to patreon.com forward slash papi's flat share and sign up today for four pounds four quid five dollars you

get all of our bonus episodes there's loads of them out there there's all our flat share lockdowns all our jingles from our flat share slam downs there is a load of bonus beef with our other, there's loads of great stuff. Oh, what a deal! It's such a good bargain! It's such a great deal! You get it there. And if you're a fan of the podcast and you've been listening for a long time and you think, well, you know, it's 10 years this year that I'll be listening to to Pappy's podcasts, I really should give something back. It's a great way to do it, because you get a lot more back in return for your money,

so please join today. It could really go one of two ways, can't it? That landmark, you can kind of go, after it for 10 years. It's a time to make people apart. Don't give them the other option, man. Oh, my God. It just feels like, you know, it's a nice random but to either call it a day or what to go.

Listen, we were so close that a pulse parry and that yes again, we were like crying in us ten years. Ten years at the pulse face, it's taken its course. Anyway, pulse face. Ten years at the pulse face has taken its course. What the bloody hell are you on about? Can we just stop for a second? I was halfway through a very decent, and you know what, I didn't use any guilt tactics this time, I was being very straight down the middle, just going, look, positive. Please join the Patreon.

We think it's a fantastic Patreon full of great stuff. You get a lot of value for your money. And then your 10 years at the polls face, it's taken its course. It's just one of the things. It's just what it is. It's just a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy. It's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, but it's a policy, community can all kind of we all interact together they said messages and emails. I'd like to read an email that Marie has sent in via pop-up slash show gmail.com. Listen to this getting touch. It's about something we talked about recently about the Swedish social code Jante. Jante. Yeah. This is your code you were talking about where it's like don't think you're better than anybody.

Is it that kind of code, isn't it? Absolutely. It's pretty incredible reading it made for. Hello, puppies. Just a brief note from a suite on Tom's story about Jante, the list of rules he read out, like a little sweet spin on the word list. Yes.

A little bit. The list of rules we read out are from a 30s novel by Norwegian writer Axel Sandermus. So he's just here once again, once again Tom Weiss finger on the pulse, quoting a book from 90s. It is true that it has been a part of the Scandinavian social code to act in accordance with the sentiment of, don't think you're better than anyone else. However, nowadays it's almost exclusively talked about in negative terms and something that should be quashed, quashing the jante. That's a good title isn't it for a book. People are celebrated for defying Jante, I want to fly defying Jante

and begin themselves up. Cheers, Marie! So there you go. That was good. That's good, that. Oh, that's very much the way kids are nowadays, you know. It's very confident and more power-tied. Well, anyway anyway what I...

We're gonna go and dig a hole and Tom's gonna bury himself because he is the he is officially the oldest man alive. Tom's gonna bury himself with all his sterophonic CDs and this is back-handed and just let the pulse face take its course. Look at that. We've dallied with being current and hip and body today. And let's be honest, it's not sat right with us. It's not. You're so mad, Perry.

We have Mayon, like, about a year and a half ago. She's got, like, it's not like we've suddenly got on a tick tock or something. We've got our friend, May Martin, who we've been doing comedy with. Probably for as long as we've been doing this podcast for. The glare of the Netflix lights. It's all that, you know, it's like. Oh, show us on Netflix.

What are you talking about? Oh, it's like drinking, I don't know, bubble tea and going, oh, what a waste of my life. Oh, shit. Look at the kids doing all day. They drink bubble tea, don't they? And they're like, they're scooters. Trick bubble tea, don't they? And my desk scooters. Anyway, what a treat, eh?

What a treat. So, it's a real treat. Oh, I have a treat. I've been an absolute treat. Listen to Tom's stronger through this. If I had known this was going on in your ear, I want to listen back to the episode now, and listen to you, see how many references you made.

Cool things to try and get on this. Got on May and Joe's good side. Well look, you know, and for all the new listeners who've obviously come on board for this episode, welcome and it's not normally like this but feel free to stick around and see if anything else takes you from. It is, but normally like, this is exactly what every episode is like in the limited. You're always desperately out of touch. Yeah, I don't always have a show on that's, you know, one of the hottest shows in the world to date.

We don't normally live in the middle of the day. Anyway, anyway, we should tell you as well, Tom, have you got the sponsorship read in front of you? Today's show is brought to you by a fidget spinners. The fidget spinners. They really are the latest, I can't read this copy. So they really are the latest craze. So get yourself a fidget spinner today

To just be the spinning around it Yeah, we've anyway we've paired with the good people at Tamikotchi to bring you the latest the latest hippie's craze It's gonna be Wupper Gangnam style in your house. It's like a fielder boys. Turbo on a screen, I don't understand this. Anyway, today's episode was produced by Ava Corsham. Corsham TV. Cheers, everyone!

Bye! Well, hello there ladies and gentlemen, you join us on this glorious sunny day, the sun beating down on the field. The players have taken their positions and we're ready to start the Patreon neighborhood watch roll call. Please be standing. Well, he's in there. Whoa, my gosh, an incredible delivery. That is absolutely swatting away and into the crowd.

And it's hit a lady. Oh dear, that's awful scenes. And the person responsible is Matthew Brady. Oh, awful scenes there. Disgusting scenes and terrible scenes. The next wicketer stands up to bat. Oh, disgusting scenes and the next wicket stands up to bat. Oh, no. He steps forward and a strong step. A strong step. He takes two steps forward, two steps back and then he disappears into the splits as usual. as usual pre-whacking position,

this man really couldn't give two fucks. He is of course James Flux. He literally can't give two fucks after those splits. No, because he was awful scenes, actually awful scenes. Here she comes now in her in nibbidable style. She's at the crease, the balls delivered. Here she comes now in her in nibbidable style She's at the crease The balls delivered oh no she's forgotten her bat It's a classic mistake we've seen from her fair cat

Four full scenes here somebody has brought a spade He's digging a hole and he's doing awful things in that hole But the good news is it scored him a lot of points and he's he's run up a really big lead Well done actually in your whole Tom bid-mead. Very unorthodox. Very awful scenes, awful scenes there. All awful scenes. Two steps forward.

Two steps forward. One step back, pull or act. With they go together, cos opposites attract. And you don't know, you'll infixion just a natural fact. There you go together because opposites attract that that slogan has been tattooed all over the back of our next player with steps off, removes his shirt, here's several shirts, he's going four shirts, we're all four of the shirts and tries to get the assembled crowd to read his back and sing along, but no one is willing to join in more as the pity.

Better luck next time, Paul Velocity. Paul seems. Paul Velocity seems. Paul Velocity seems. Paul Velocity seems. Paul Velocity seems. Paul Velocity seems. Paul Velocity seems.

Paul Velocity seems. Paul Velocity seems. Paul Velocity seems. Paul Velocity seems. Paul Velocity seems. All four scenes and now we see stepping up to the crease now he's gone he's gone for a bizarre choice here he's he's not wearing anything completely bitty-bitty box naked Bitty-bitty-bitty-bitty-bitty box Bitty-bitty-bitty box West and then he's my mumble. Of course, apart from his favourite Warm-Warm West blazer, he's his calum-freezer. Oh, what is that? Well, he steps up, he's wearing his Independence Day hat. What do you think about that? It'll certainly keep him warm when it gets dark.

It's Jimmy Clark. Very important. Very important when it gets dark. You stay warm. Very, very important. Here we have a wonderful player stepping up and he's wearing his boxer shorts commemorating movie Hitch. It's wonderful to see him. It's a wonderful movie and one that we all should commemorate. He's of course Steve State.

Oh, he can't believe he wasn't wearing his enemy of the State Hat. He's really missed an opportunity. Yeah, so you always- You never want to miss an opportunity to rhyme the word with the actual word. LAUGHTER He's wearing his enemy of the State Hat. It is, of course, Steve State Hat. LAUGHTER

Oh, and all they come stepping up to the crease wearing their shoes. They're shoes? Yes. Good. And of course, the only one in the team to do it, and their socks underneath, and of course underneath that, their legs. And using those legs to run up and down in there, they're very particular style. Wait, can I use my legs? The legs are underneath their feet. The legs are underneath the socks All right, okay. Yes. Yes. On top of the feet. On top of the feet. Yes. Yes Under the trousers under the trousers and of course below the belt. Yes. Yes. Yes. Queens be rules And what a shot. There it goes! Now then, it's RIPSUNCH NUMBER WHEN! Well, let me tell you something I can just make out that she's got a legend of bag of vans,

pair of knickers on through my tears. That's right, it's Rachel Spears. Awful scenes. Awful scenes, but some wonderful scenes in that movie of course. Of course, of course, that's a Tordaforce. Let me tell you now folks, he's stepped out, he's done splits into a cartwheel. Very difficult manoeuvre to master, but he's managed it. And as he's cartwheeled, his little skirt is ridden up, and I can see he is of course wearing a bad boy's toothong. A wonderful piece of attire for James Husson. Oh, he comes onto the pitch, looking fantastic in the afternoon sun, and of course he's wearing his matching jumper trousers, a combo of after-earth branded merchandise. Looking resplendent but unfortunately doesn't have the matching sunglasses

of course they're very pricey. Cunter Ford but he's knocked it for six yet again it's Mark Beresford. Well this man's dug a hole. When will he learn? He's in the pursuit of happiness. It's Josh Labern. I need to make a small correction to my last announcement. I think I called the guy James Husson. It is, of course, Joe Husson.

My apologies to Joe and to anybody else who might have been. And to James, who, as we know, still has yet to fork out to join the patron. The cheap, the cheaper of the two brothers, the cheaper of the two brothers. So the cheaper of the Husson twins, the cheapest member of the Husson The cheaper of the two brothers. So cheaper of the Hoosen twins. The cheapest member of the Hoosen family. He's so cheap, he wouldn't even spend

threppence for some buns. I tell you who would though, cat buns. It all for seeds. It all for seeds, all for seeds. But here he comes to close the batting order. He is legend. It's Chandler Robinson. Oh well, the rain stops playing. I've concluded this Patreon neighborhood watch Roll

Cooool. Cheers everyone. Oh take me out to the ball game. Take me out to the ground. I may some peanuts and crack a jacks side. Don't care if I never come back and I'll root root for the home team if they to win. It's a shame. Oh, it's one, two, three. Search her out at the old bowl game. The old bowl game! Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Full Game! you