Pappy's Flatshare - Beef Brothers Cold Cuts w/ Matt Lucas S10E24

Episode Date: June 15, 2020

The Beef Brothers are here to sort out your beef with special guest Matt LucasMatt Lucas - https://twitter.com/realmattlucasPappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetIf you have a flatshare based beef you'd like us to solve then send it to [e-mail] us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareProduced by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Greetings, listener dear, we're back in our home from home's your Eakin'el, but who lives in an ear canal like this? Matthew, it's over to you. Oh, it's you. Yeah, it is me, yeah, it's not just over to me, it's me that you've said my name. But the one person we haven't mentioned yet is of course you Tom. Tom, how are you doing? Yes, of course, but who else, Matthew, apart from you and I, lives in an ear canal like this. Matthew, I'll give you a clue. It's you. Oh, it's me. Oh, well, it's great to be here in this ear canal, but the one person we haven't spoken about at all. Oh, of course, Tom. We have a we haven't. And I'll give you a little clue as to his name. Oh yeah.

It's you, Tom. Oh, thank you so much. And I, it would be remiss of me to carry on a minute further with that, introducing my dear friend, who is obviously, of course, in the ear canal. It's you, Matthew. It's my, it's always been you. It's you, it's you.

It's always been you. And it's always been in you. Not my words, the words of you even fun loving criminals. Sorry, what was that last bit of you? Anyway, yes, stick them up punks. We are the three fun loving criminals, is of course myself, Thomas and Clarky. Clarky! We kept your light under a bushel for too long. And lots of bushel in this air canal. It's a bizarre one.

Can you not wash the bushel water in the listeners air canal? Please, Clark. What time busched it? It becomes the flaming bushel. You've washed it so hard that it lit. It's self-fire as did by genitals. Clark, please keep your flame. There's a reason we don't bring you in on these intros,

and I think you're going to grub up the ear canal. This is actually, it's supposed to be a high class podcast here, it's supposed to be a fake, we have to have the explicit content now. Absolutely, and it is, it's a high class episode with a high class guest. Yes, it certainly is. It's a big brother of Colkuts with our wonderful guest,

Mr. Matt Lucas, who is a treat. Very kind to join us over Zoom. We had a lovely chat with him. God, we could have knattered all day. We could have done it. He's a lovely guy, and he's a really, really nice, I think I, he's a nice man. We had a nice time chatting to him.

So enjoy that in just a second. Before all that, we should just say that if you missed the flat-sheastout, we did over Zoom with Sarah Pasco, Stiener and Scoppillars and Josh Whitacom, it is available to watch after the fact on YouTube and you can get your tickets for watching that on Eventbrite, EV, ENT, B-R-I-T-E, and you can search for Papi's flat share.

Here's what I'd suggest, Skull. Skull. Get yourself about five or six strong Polish lagers and drink along with me. Yeah, you can do the end. You'll understand what it is I'm saying. I think it's a bit like the withner and I drinking game. If you can drink along with Clarky, then well, you're pretty dead by the end of it, actually. But always worth a try. So yeah, so get that from Eventbrite and also Tom, do you want to help people about our Patreon? Yes, of course. All the while lockdown is going on, we're

putting extra content every weekday for anybody on the five dollar tier on our Patreon. So go along to Patreon, look us up and if you go for the five-dollar tier then you'll be getting extra bonus content every weekday of the weekday. That is a promise to you. Every weekday of the week about those days. I tell you that much. So some days are weak, let's be honest. What's the wicked stuff? What's the wicked stuff? $5. And find out which one is the weakest.

Also, very exciting. We've got another flat share slam down live going out over zoom. That will be on the 8th of July. And boy, our boy, that is shaping up to be a very exciting one. So get along to Eventbrite. And you can get your tickets for the 8th of July for another flat share slam down live On zoom yeah, they're really really fun. So yeah join us for that. That should be good fun, but The main things yeah, it's kind of like the DJ

It's becoming like the DJ set of its day, isn't it? It's like you know, oh I see the DJ set of its day isn't it? It's like, you know, I see. Oh I see. If brackets on zoom. Yeah, if you think, oh wow, I'm going to get to the Arctic Monkeys. Oh no. DJ sets the bassist doing a DJ sets. And he won't even play Arctic Monkeys himself because he thinks he's above it.

But yeah, that's very much this. And what you'll realise as well is, we don't actually do flat-chest slam down, the three of us just DJ. Yeah, that's right. But if you want to see Josh Whitwickham throw in some shapes, great place to go. Yeah, but as I was about to say, the main thing is... What is the main thing? I've been talking about that.

The main thing is guys enjoy this episode with Matt Lucas and we'll see you on the other side. Well, if you've got a problem, don't call it a problem, if you've got a problem call it a B. If you've got a B, B. Maybe we can help you B from the sorting at your B. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. How's it going? I'm good. I've got a campus comelette. Oh, lovely. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. So I'm going to celebrate the beginning of this podcast. I'm curious to know. You share the video of this podcast. We that. Do you share the video of this podcast? We don't. No. So you're okay. You're okay. No, I'm okay. I'm okay. It'd be nice to show people I've got a pleasant name.

Did you just have that delivered to your door? No. But I keep them in the fridge. I think they're very good out of the fridge. Oh, especially in weather like this. Really? Really good, yeah. That's an argument I got into the other day, not my Easter egg, my wife doesn't. It's a great idea.

I mean, to be fair, that's quite an adorable pet name for someone. For the love of my Easter egg. My wife doesn't refrigerate her Easter eggs. What? She says it ruins the taste. Divorce. That's insanity, isn't it? I couldn't getate her Easter eggs. What? She says it ruins the taste. Divorce. That's insanity, isn't it? I couldn't get my head round it.

It's the end for me. It's the only way to eat it Easter eggs refrigerate it. That's not it. Wait, here's the thing, because I don't refrigerate my Easter eggs. What is a refrigerator? No, but what? No, they just go on top of the fridge.

It's too big, I think, for a fridge. Yeah, it's just too much to make. I definitely put chocolate in there. You know, he's straight to chocolate. Oh, what? But they're egg. But no, I never would. And in fact, but the thing is,

I've talked about this before, but I'm not an Easter egg fan. Well, I'll often, yeah, I know. This is an awful start, but I'll often have Easter eggs from the previous year. Yeah, yeah, genuinely. I was. I was.

It's good. How does chocolate survive in your house? Chocolate doesn't survive in my house. It just does, I just, I like chocolate, but I like, just like small amounts every now and then. I don't like, does it come out mottled? Oh, yeah, here's the thing. I remember one evening I was thinking, I'll eat a bit of Easter egg now.

I'll treat myself, it was Christmas. And I went to get the Easter egg and I realised it wasn't from last year, it was from the year before. And it was just had a kind of white, mossy kind of complexion all over it, it was grim. It wasn't like, it wasn't rotten, it was inedible. Do you know that, sorry for talking with my mouth for, no, that's all right, my please. Look, Cabriss Cremec, so apparently,

I was a Cabriss Cremec man for two or three years, about 25 years ago. When they told me that, you know, I don't know if it's still the case, but definitely back then, it was the case that they were on sale for three or four months, weren't they? They'd kind of come on sale at the beginning of January. You'd see them until about April and then they were gone and that was a treat. Yeah. Depending, obviously, on your taste in chocolate. You'd see them till about April and then they were gone and that was a treat.

Depending obviously on your taste and chocolate. And apparently they were made all year round but kept in the freezer by cabbres. So there's a factory churning out with his hands, I should say, I don't want to ruin the magic. Churning out those chocolate eggs. They were frozen. They were frozen. I got a freeze your eggs, yeah.

Yeah, I didn't think, when I said, I was about to say I didn't think you could freeze chocolate, but of course you can. I mean, I had a mac n' them last night. Of course you can freeze chocolate. Oh yeah. That I do like, frozen chocolate. I think it's got to be either or,

it's got to either be frozen and delicious or molding and three years old. Those are my two ways I'll consume chocolate. It is an immense disappointment when after a summer you find us some chocolate and you open it and it's got that white powdery glaze. Yeah. Yeah. And that chalky texture and you're like it's not officially off. Do I eat it?

How do you feel about when you go to a news agent and you buy a chocolate bar and good faith and you get it back and you realize that they have not kept this in any kind of condition. So it's sort of, it's melted and then kind of reformed into a sort of flat version of the double decker. How do I feel? I get straight on the phone to my lawyer. I get straight on the phone to my lawyer. Thank you.

That's a waste of time. Thank you. I also do the same. You know, if I go into a news agent and I pick up a can of Coke and it says, it's a single can of Coke and the fridge and it says part of a multi-packnot to be sold separately, I call my lawyer. So, and thanks very much for coming on the show, by the way. What a treat, really nice to have you. Thank you for having me, thank you, it's nice to be, well I say here, I'm just in my house, but it's still nice to be here. It's just nice to chat, isn't it? Nice to see some faces. What kind of a person are you to live with? What kind of a flatmate are you?

I'm, I think I'm all right. I think I'm okay. I um you don't sound convinced. Well it's hard for me to say. I think I like to think that I'm an epithetic empathetic. I like to think that I'm an article of person. Yeah. Yeah. I like to think that I'm an articulate person. No. I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it.

I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it.

I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it. of tidiness, 10 being really tidy, I'm probably a seven. It's all right.

That's good. I think that's the healthy, that's the sweet spot. Yeah, you don't have to be too tidy. Yeah, but top of the four. Yeah, I'm probably, you know, I'll get there one day. Yeah, you've got to, exactly. If you're a 10, where you go from there, but if you're, you know, if you're around the fours,

then you've got the dream of one day. Do you think this though? Like, I mean, I always sort of one day. Do you think this though? I mean, I always sort of thought, when I'm older, I'll have a house as tidy as my parents' house, and I'm older now, and it just hasn't happened. No, but then your parents are still working. But I mean, even the house when I was growing up. Oh, I see.

Yeah, they just kept a very tidy, very neat house. Did they have a cleaner? No, no, they did it themselves. Did your mum work? My mum worked as well, yeah. And your dad, so what did they have friends? No. Some saying if you had friends,

you wouldn't have had time to do all of that. No, they had no social life whatsoever. That was all they did. Put it all into cleaning house. Put it all, yeah, absolutely. no social life whatsoever. That was all they did. Put it all into cleaning house. Yeah, absolutely. Once dinner was over, and also like, I mean, we did a bit of it, you know.

But I don't remember, you know, I wasn't one of these kids who came home at the end of the school day and there was like a list of chores waiting for them. I didn't have that set up. Most of it was done by them. How do they do it? How do they find a time?

They're four kids. I tell you what, it might be the dad thing because I've started doing this that I never thought I would. It's like I potter for 15 minutes before going to bed and I think my dad was always the last to bed. And he would just potter around the house and just put things in places. Right. Toppithero potter. Like, you know, you just stroll around and you see things and you move them. To where you'd rather they go. Pop that in the fridge.

I try and clean what you can see. Yes, yeah that's great. So if someone came round as a guest they would think oh Matt's got a nice tidy house but actually open a drawer, look behind the fridge. Yeah, grot. Absolutely grot. No it's not complete grot. It's mild grots. Mild grot. Everything's got that white flaky stuff all over it. I tell you what though. I mean, you know, when they talk about, we don't have any PPE, you know, there's things that we don't have. We don't have handgel.

I tell you what, we have not run out of dust in this country. I, there's dust everywhere, my God. Also, it's a weird thing because I'm at home more than ever and yet I want to tidy up less than ever. Yeah, you're making more dust. More of you will. But that's because you know no one's gonna come round. I think that's it, yeah.

But I'm sure I do have a very nice lady who comes and helps clean the house. And she comes twice a week for four hours each time, I think. And she obviously, she hasn't come for about 10 weeks. But when she does eventually come back in eight years' time, I'm sure I will rush around tidying everything up before she comes, so she has nothing to actually do. Yeah, that's, I had a cleaner as well, again, she hasn't been for a while, and we talked about it before on the podcast, Diana, her name, and yes, I would always tidy up before she came around,

because she don't want to, she's got a, like, I see her often in a week, I see her more than I see anybody else apart from the people I live with. So I want her to think well of me. I don't want her to think, oh what a fucking slob I've got to go and tidy up all of his shit. He keeps a nice house. She's really flush man. I do, I do shit in the middle of the floor as well, but that's, you know, it's just a greeting,

isn't it? You got a bark, you're terrible. Absolutely, yeah, it's still my flat, Diana. It's still my flat. Should we crack on and read some other people's problems? Let's get into it. Yeah, let's get into it. You sent me an email.

Let me open up my email. Yeah, do you want to do your last call? A client. Yes. Is it an email client? Is that what my email. Yeah, do you want to do your answer all? Yes. Is it an email client? Is that what it's called? My email server. Sure.

I'm making up mail. Let's have a look because you sent me a mail. Would you like me to read it? Read it. Wait, yes, let's start with that one. Should I say that it's a beef from Furn? Yes, please. Via the Beef Brothers podcast, actually.

I just need to tell someone this, as I can't tweet it in case my nice neighbors think it's about them. Oh, well, I shouldn't have said who it was about. Well, I shouldn't have said who it was from, sorry. We'll see if you front name's only. So there's plenty of Furns out there. There's plenty of Furns in the country.

Yeah. You know, which Furn this is? Could be cotton. It could be Britain. We'll never know. There's two Furns. Let's. There's plenty of ferns in the country. Yeah. You have a witch fern. This is... Could be cotton. It could be Britain. Well, never, never. There's two ferns.

Let's be honest, there's two ferns. Well, she says, I just need to tell someone. This is, I can't tweet it in case my nice neighbours think it's about them. Some people moved in next door, who sang the Dawson's Creek theme tune through the wall loudly, every day. Jenny, when you looked into ringing the estate agents to get them booted out? Guys, right.

Is it me? Because Clark, you're rewatching Dawson's Creek at the moment, aren't you? Well, I'm not. But my partner is, and I sing along. Here's why I'm absolutely baffled by. It's got a different theme tune. Well, every day it had two themes. The first two series, this weird theme tune.

Yeah, the first series had, and only in the UK as well, not in America, had this one that was about a suits of armour. Do you know that one? What did they think that would appeal to the British audience? Yeah, I think so. They thought like, it's all about castles and moat. Yeah, what's love like in Britain?

Well, it's suits of armour, hearts and daggers. That's those, the lyrics. And then they just stuck with the, I don't want to weird for my life to be over. They put that in as the theme from series two onwards. I've never seen it. Have you not seen Dawson's Creek? Well, no, I've never seen it.

I think it was part of T4. I think of a Sunday morning I was never awake in time for T4. I'd usually been out on the Saturday night in the town road. So, you know, I, yeah, I was too busy being gay. Two gay for Dawson's Creek. I know that's saying something, isn't it? So, what from from from what you've kind of cleaned from popular culture what do you know about Dawson's Creek map what yeah as somebody's my I tell you what I know I know that James van de Beek played the eponymous Dawson

is that right? It's correct. And I saw him in another film which I think was called The Rules of Attraction is that right? Oh that was a good film. The British Tunnelist adaptation. I remember thinking he was tremendous in that film. What a great performance. Then there was another character of a man whose name began with Jay and that was the one that everybody loved. He's acting name, he's real name,

so I should say, he's acting name. Joshua? Joshua Jackson, that's right. He played Pacey. Double J. He played Pacey, that was his name. Pacey, and that he was the one that everybody fancied. And then the other thing I know is that Katie Holmes was in it, I believe. Yeah, she played. Yeah, I did. Um, nice, Jerry. Yeah, who I met once Yes, where do you mean it was a very strange affair? I Met Katie home. This is very strange. So a little bit right? We did an American series of little Britain. Yeah, and It was produced by Simon Fuller who is who's the guy that?

it was produced by Simon Fuller, who is the guy that has looked after David Beckham, and of course the Spice Girls, and S.C. Seven Spice Girls. He didn't create the Spice Girls, actually, by the way. My apologies. I think that was Chris Herbert, but he sort of really grew them, and was there for their global success. And then he looks after Annie Lennox, he created American Idol, he created, so you think you can dance. He's actually behind that show Serengeti that was just on TV recently, the Animal Show.

Anyway, he's a friend of mine, he's a lovely man and very kind, very wise. And he took Little Britain to America and we flew out to America, I think we were there working on it, we had a meeting. And he said to me, oh, I mean, this is mad, he said, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes and Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith are throwing a party to welcome the Beckham's to Los Angeles because David Beckham had just agreed a deal to play for LA Galaxy and he said, would you like to come to this party? And I said, oh, yes, yes, that's, oh, sure, why not? So I went to this party and I said oh yes yes that's sure why not so I went to this party with my late partner Kevin we went to this party where DJ

Jazzy Jeff did a set and fresh Prince though just on his own well well Will Smith was there as well as part of the whole remember it was yeah yeah yeah yeah it maybe Will Smith was there. Yeah, it was Will's part. Of course, I can't remember. It was, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it may be Will Smith performed. I can't remember. Anyway, I did not meet Will Smith or J. DePinkett Smith. I did meet, I don't know if I met David Beckham. I may have done it. I mean, I met him in other occasions.

I met Victoria Beckham that night. But I met Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. I met Katie Holmes that night. And this is what happened to me, is there was a throng of press and media and all sorts of people outside the party. And it did feel very, I mean, I was definitely the least famous person in that room. And I met a Jim Carey that night. Wow. And it was very exciting. Yes, very exciting. And it was just the moment when Little Britain was still really big.

So Jim Carey sort of came over and started doing Little Britain catchphrase and things like that. No, my mind was kind of blown. Anyway, but I was introduced to Katie Holmes. And the moment that I was introduced to Katie Holmes, and the moment that I was introduced to Katie Holmes was the exact moment that my jet lag rendered me a complete moron. And I was trying to pass some comment to her. I mean, have you ever had that?

You go, you're jet lag, you fly, I mean, I flew to Los Angeles and didn't sleep on the plane and got off the plane and sort of went through immigration and went to the hotel and showered and then went to a party. So my head was just, yeah, if you go to the water.

Yeah, it's really weird. So I was waiting through this party, as you say. And I was introduced to Katie Holmes and I was trying to make some point to her about what a gauntlet she and Tom Cruise had had to run just getting into the party. Because I think we'd arrived at the same time as them. And they'd been jostling and there'd

been all sorts of things and barriers and screaming fans and actually the paparazzi scream at you sometimes you see and it was just such a crazy thing that and I'd arrived and seen that and then and then got into the party and I I meant to sort of sympathise not sympathise but say oh you know I don't know how you deal with it it's an amazing thing that you deal with and I I said something like, and it was me and Simon Fuller and her, and I said, and I think I said these words. I think I said, I just saw, and like, what I think, I don't know how, but you did.

And it's such a thing. And I mean, my heart, you are, because a lot of people don't know, and then you did this, and then how of people don't know and then you did this and then I don't know but like when I watched it Like I always just thought because I never knew and then I saw it you know And she just said she sort of looked at me and just went Really professionally a bit like those looks that sort of Meghan Markle gives people sort of very, I know what you're feeling. And just sort of, she just went, I know exactly what you mean. And then she left, and then I turned to Simon Follow and I said, I'm very jet lagged.

Did that make any sense? The Simon went, no, it didn't make any sense. But that was my meeting with Katie Holmes. Well, I had a wonderful conversation when I just picked a sort of, a sort of, I presented a display of words. How far into the sentence did you realise this is not going anywhere? This is not a sentence I can come back from because sometimes you get half way through a thing like that and you think I can maybe turn this around but was it, at the end of the sentence you realised that was not going to be? No, no, no, no, this around, but was it at the end of the sentence, you realised, well that was not- No, no, no, no, no, I mean,

it was about a quarter of the way in, but, right. Right. At that point, you think, well, I'm gonna carry on talking, because obviously, I need, I mean, I must turn this around. I'm here with Katie Holmes and all this and, you know, and- It's like,

I'm- It's like the monkeys and the typewriters. You think, at some some point if I stuff enough words in here, some senses get a come out of this. Yeah, it was, it was, it was the least sense I've ever made, ever in my life. And I include in that those conversations that you have with people when you're a baby, when you can't words. You think you can, so you just go, I don't know about the name, I look at my son, look at that door. Like that as a baby.

And then people go, oh, yes. And they pretend they know what you mean. It was basically, I was a baby at the party. Ha, ha, ha, ha. It was a strange party. I don't know whether it was a party to sort of strange party. I don't know whether it was a party to sort of impress the Beckham's and maybe sort of open their minds to the idea of becoming Scientologists. I had a sense of that because obviously Tom Cruise and Casey Holmes were part of that.

And I think Jazzy Jeff is, I don't think Will Smith is. As far as I know, but I don't know if it's been confirmed, but I think Jada Pinkett Smith is, or some, I think there was a sense of, look, maybe this is something you want to be a part of. Wow, I don't, I sense that because I think there were a lot of Scientologists at the past. You're pretty dodged to bullet from being recruited

to Scientology there. If that conversation had gone better, she would have been like, oh, this is, we'll have him as, you know, you could have been delivering those big speeches that Cruz gives, where he talks to. So I met him at the party, and I met him again since then, he was so charming, you know, he was so lovely and sort of friendly.

Can I ask a question about like, because like in my head right, the part you just described. Yes. Like my head kind of starts to explode there because like if I go to a house party of someone who I don't know that well, like I don't know how to function very well. Like I normally find myself in the corner of a room or like going to the toilet too many times. When you're at a party where there's like Will Smith and Tom, like what do you do?

Did you enjoy yourself? Do you? No, I've been to a few of those. I've been to a few, there was a moment, again, there was a moment. Somebody I was at school with went on to become incredibly successful in Hollywood. And so when I've been in,

and I lived in Los Angeles for seven years, so when I was in LA, if I went to his birthday party or his wife's birthday party, there would be all the the kind of movie stars there. I don't know. I yes, I think I think like did you dance? No. No, I think I'm I'm also one of those people when I go to a party, I sort of walk in and I think I wonder if I'll be me. And that's not like, because I wonder if if I'll meet people and they'll bring me out of myself in this scenario. I don't know, it's a really hard hard to explain but I went to that's that's

the perfect way to explain. Yeah I went to a party there was a guy that I dated and things it hadn't quite worked out but we remained friends it was completely amicable and he had a new he found a new partner who he was he was you know very enamored of. And it was around the same time that he turned 30, and he had a 30th birthday party at the partner's flat. And the partner was very well to do and had been very successful. And I went along to it. And the only person I knew at the party was the guy I had dated and he was very keen for me to be there and very keen for me to meet his new partner. I remember, of course I went and it was very nice of him to invite me and I'm very fond

of him and I really liked his new partner actually. But I remember just also, because I didn't know of anyone at the party, anyone. And so I went to the toilet a lot of times, just because I thought, oh, I can go to the toilet that somewhere where I don't have to talk to someone, I don't know. But yeah, I don't mean that in a snobbish way. It was just, I remember being at that cut party and feeling acutely shy.

Yeah, actually. I think you've absolutely nailed social anxiety, feeling acutely shy. Yeah, I think you've absolutely nailed social anxiety. The idea that it's actually incredibly hard work. Sometimes parties are supposed to be fun, but they are actually, they feel a lot like a job sometimes when you are, like you say, putting on the character or not being able to be yourself. It's, I find, do you enjoy your own parties? Because I find my own parties are,

if I throw a party, I'm sort of, I'm slightly outside of myself, making sure that I go and chat to everyone and making sure everyone's having a good time. I was just to find this, that if I had a party, whereas if I went to, if David Williams had a party, and it was his birthday, I could go to his house, I didn't have to worry about hosting it, but I would know like 95% of the people there.

And they would be my friends as well, because we were sort of in each other's lives for so long. So those were always my favorite parties with David's, because it was almost like my own party, because it was all the people that would come to mind. But I didn't have any of the responsibility of having to, and probably you, you three, you probably can identify when you go to each other's parties. I'm assuming you have a similar social circle.

Yeah, I do. You're really doing it. 100%. Yeah. Your mate's party is always the best one to go to your best mate's party. It's always so much better than your birthday, your mate's birthday. Yeah, because, like 100%. The other thing that happens when I have a party

is there's invariably one or two people that say, oh, can I bring a friend? And then they bring their friend and then I feel an obligation if their friend doesn't know many people to chat with a friend. And then I often spend the evening talking to the three people at my own party, who I don't actually know.

Yeah. I think I turned 40 in February and had a big party for that and I realised I half way through the party that actually it doesn't like, it doesn't, no one expects you to spend any amount of time with them and that is quite freeing. So when I was chatting to people and someone else would come in who I hadn't yet spoken to, I could literally go, oh, I'm so sorry, I'm gonna go and chat to that person over there.

And they go, of course you are, it's your birthday, it's your party, and it's the only time you can do it. You can't do that in an ordinary situation where, if we had to have an conversation, I'd go, oh look, this one's slightly better over there, I'm just gonna go and chat to them. You can't do that, but it's the, it did hurt when you did that to me in Describes. I should have said that, I shouldn't have used the phrase that I let you in. I mean, I'm not a to go and chat to them. You can't do that. But it's the what it did hurt when you did that to me

and describe. I should have used the phrase, I'm not worth that. I'm not worth that. Thank you for going to be slightly better, mate. I think so, I think your own part is, you have to do a sort of stand back, survey the room, and go, yes, not everybody hates me. These people tolerate me.

And they all came to pay tribute to me, and some of them even brought me presence. And that's basically what happens if like me you're a bit aspergersy and you throw a party and you look around and like I say everybody else actually has an amazing time because they yeah they just get talking to people without the pressure and blah blah blah. But one of the things I used to throw really big parties that was like my thing years ago I was like But one of the- I used to throw really big parties that was like my thing years ago. I was like, I was a party thrower.

I used to love them. And fancy dress parties as well. Oh, yes. Yeah, I used to throw those. They're great. The thing I love about fancy dress parties is everyone's a star. So if you have a fancy dress party and some people come and they're quite well known, it doesn't, they're not necessarily the styles of the party.

The star of the party at the fancy dress party is the most resourceful, inventive, fancy dress costume. You've got it totally. Where are you? You, you know, you have. I love it. I put it on an open door here. You are Tom's done an entire show about fancy dress.

Lovers, fancy dress. We love it. I really love it. And also, like you said about social anxiety, like when you go to a fancy dress party, you're something else as well. So it's like, you don't feel naked going into a room of people unless that's your costume. But like you're going in going like, well tonight, I am this.

And so it gives you something else to play with me. But can I ask, there's two observations I've got here. One is, some people go to a fancy dress party and then they start to sort of act like the character that they're dressed at, which is quite a weird thing. So when I had my 30th birthday, I did a Britain themed fancy dress party, right? And my stepfather came along dressed as boy George

but he spent the sort of whole evening going around going, oh, isn't how Boy George even spits. That's not a good boy George. No, but he was like, well, he's going to be 89 this year at I'm 46. So he was in his early 70s and he had a way of a time and he dressed up and he looked, I must say, he looked brilliant. I mean, it was really, it was really funny to see your 73 year old stepfather dressed as boy George. He's such a lovely sweet man anyway, you know. So he had walking around with his big grin, but every time I was speaking

to him, he goes, oh, he knew. Oh, ducky. Like that, which is very funny. The other observation about fancy dress is that when I was a kid, Halloween was about dressing up as ghosts and witches and wizards, but at some point I feel like in the last decade, Halloween has just become fancy dress. Am I right? Certainly in America. And fancy, I feel like, no, you've got to be scary at Halloween. And now people, you go, who are you going at, Halloween? And they go, I'm going as at Halloween and they go I'm going as Garfield the cat. What you mean you're going as a kind of Garfield the cat. I'm zombie Garfield yeah. Yeah Garfield the cat that was run over by a car or

a fox or some fake to a lasagne. Yeah exactly no I'm just going as Garfield the cat. I'm just going as Metal Mickey. Obviously no one's doing mental. And it's normally sexy as well. That's the thing is like people try and look sexy and you go, well, it's not, it's not scary being sexy. You look great. You've got to be scary. You've got to be horrible.

I know. So that's the same thing, isn't it? I'm going as a play girl, a playboy bunny or whatever. And I said, what, one of the ones that was murdered? No. Yeah. Yeah, I said, if you're going to come as a schoolgirl, come as one that's gone missing. You're right, I'm sorry.

Can you hear, are you getting any residual noise from outside because there's children in the paddling pool outside? Can you hear it? No, I don't know. Can you just put your head at the window, shout out them tongue to tongue? Yes, I'll say, how dare you.

Well, actually, I should do because I actually don't really like people enjoying themselves that aren't me. I've never liked it. Well, I'm a terrible miss and troke and when I walk around, I'm like, you're walking around on summer's day and you sort of see people in a park just having a nice time. I'm like, fuck those people. I'm not saying we didn't get to go to one of your parties. I'm not like fuck those people. I have not engineered this fun. How dare they have it.

Well, this is a perfect time for you then to go to a park and be angry at people. It's like that you're allowed now. Oh, I should do it. I should do. I should go at the park with a loud halor. Should not. Just say people home. Two meters.

Two meters. Well, I've got to listen to what the baked potatoes say. It's very true. It's very, very true. Have we got any, have we even come close to solving Fern's beef? I don't think we've ever got that. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, used to, when I was at the house I grew up in, we had very nice neighbors, lovely, but he used to, he would learn the guitar, the teenage boy in the room next door to mine, in my house, but you know, it's semi-attached house, so in the room on, you know, next to mine, as it were, and he would play Cavattina, he would be learning Cavattina by John Williams. You know, the, it's the music from the gallery in Take Heart. Oh, yeah. And I think it's from the deer hunter. It's, I think it's that, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, today, but he would play that, he would only play that and he would always play that. That's like the same track to your youth. Yeah, that song, yeah, he played very well, but I mean, that is all he would play. It's quite emotional to have that constantly going

on in the background in your formative years. Yes, yeah, it just, yeah, I mean, it reminds me of my childhood whenever I hear that. Also, because the gallery on Take Heart was something that it was like an interactive part of the show because you could watch the gallery where they would just show different pieces of art that people had sent in and you could go, good, good, rubbish, it's, I could do better than that. Amazing. And you could sort of do a commentary from home. When I would watch that, I would be consumed by a total jealousy that I had.

I mean, I'd never send anything into a TV show, but I was just furious that someone else had. Yes. I wanted to track it the same. Why was the same? I've not drawn anything. And dear, those bastards being the pink windmill show. I hate it. I like it. Basically, it's an extension of my misanthropy. It's, it's, it's misanthropy. Is that right? Mithand, Mithandthropy. Mithand, Mithandthropy. Yeah, that's Mithsthropy.

It's the extension of that. I think very quickly that Furn should join in the singing. You're going in. I tell you what you should do is, so Dawson's Creek was part of T4, yeah? Is that right? Yes, that's right, yeah. So I think what you do is you respond. The minute they stop, you blast, you get some archive recordings of other T4 shows.

Oh, what about Jonathan Creek? Get the Jonathan Creek track. That's so track. Go Creek for Creek the Jonathan Creek for Creek. Go Creek for Creek. Yeah. Then you'll be up the Creek. That's a really good idea with Jonathan Creek. Yeah, but you blast that at the same time or immediately afterwards,

which is so true. Maybe immediately afterwards. Go Creek for Creek just as like as a return. And then they'll probably get it. What was the Jonathan thing recently? This is what I'm thinking. Down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, because I've been doing a lot of Zoom quizzes recently. And guess the 90s TV theme tune is a really great one. You give someone the big break theme,

not the big break theme, it's got lyrics, but like the Null's House Party theme tune or the animal hospital theme tune, one of those, and they cannot recognize it, it's brilliant, it's fantastic. And so they'll have the same thing, you'll play the Jonathan Creek theme tune, and they'll be like, what's that?

I know it. Is it a common one? No one recognizes animal hospital, what's that? I know it. Is it a coffee file? No one recognizes animal hospital. That's what I've found. No. Well, it's just, you know, it's fallen out of favor a little bit in the room. I tell you what this is, see.

There's good ones to play. There's the cook reports. I often play that one in the quizzes. Oh, that's good, yeah. The people, that gets people. And then sometimes just sticking Jeremy Kahl and people just, they don't know it, they know it, but they don't know it. Even though you, it's on all the time, we just suddenly, suddenly, there's some theme machines that just don't register. They're not like, they're

not, they're not warming hearty pieces of music. So they're just, they're just sort of, well, like, it's like, it's like the style itself. I love that we. I love that we sound like DJs discussing a set. You know, when I'm doing my Zoom quiz, I just I just bang in the Jeremy Kyle. People go mental, they don't know, but they're getting it, then I follow it with the cook report, and it goes off.

What a great TV themes to play. That when you play them, you're really enjoying yourselves. I would say around the world with Willie Fog is such a great such a good single. It's a really amazing song. It's really amazing. We have that on vinyl. The littlest hobo is a crag. It me cry. Oh, you live in this Hobo. You hear that, and it's just, it's the, I remember watching the Littleest Hobo. It's the first time I understood the expression

to have a lump in your throat, because I genuinely had sort of like a pain in my mouth. That was the Littleest Hobo. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Oh. Oh. But yeah, a sad theme tune is the Littleest Hobo.

What, what, the other, what, the other? Beautiful. Gladiators, by the way, if you ever want to put something onto a gym playlist, my wife puts, has put the, turn me on to this, put the Gladiator's theme tune onto your running playlist and bump off you go. I know you say that, but what's the gym?

Ah, good point. Ah, the gym is the gym's the name of the littlest homo. I've now eaten so much in lockdown that I can't even fit on a Zoom call. We can't see you anymore. That's what I was going to say. I literally just feel your field of vision. You can't see anything else. This is why we're feeling all the way out, Emily.

What else is a good one to really work out to? Baywatch has got a good kind of workout by doing this. Yeah, it does, yeah. I tell you, another one that's sort of, I love, do you remember the raccoons? Yeah, that's very good. I was gonna say the opening theme is fantastic. But closing theme, the run with us.

Do you remember that run with us? We have everything you need. What a bang. Duck tails. Duck tails is a strong one. What's the worst TV theme to work out to? I reckon last the summer wine. It's the worst but the most accurate. Yeah, exactly. It's the most it's the most appropriate isn't it? Yeah, definitely. Just hobbling along with a treadmill.

That was step to step. That's what that tread bills not even on step down and some would be good Coronation Street wouldn't get it would be quite hard to get pump into yeah, it's so so coronation Street I put that on a pop coronation Street and Extenders for the cool down bit. I tell you what I tell you what to be great on the treadmill with the bill You really feel like you're walking Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh You probably, it'd be something that you can't really get anymore. What's the really 80s thing? A fax machine. Yes. And a tell us.

Yeah. So, a file of facts. There'd be in WH Smith being stealing file of facts papers. Nick and a fun fact. This is your workout video. You need to do this, Matt. TV themes workout with Matt Lucas. Yeah, yeah, exactly. What the right themes to work out to and the wrong ones. Yeah, it's a good idea. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Finish off

casualty. So do we have any other just what happens now? Are there more emails read out? I feel like I'm keep changing the subject. I'm not being helpful. Ordinarily we read about four, but there's no rush. There no rush. We don't have to. No but we can say beef solved to first. I like this. Mark writes via beef brothers podcast at gmail.com getting touch. Hello my flatmate keeps putting the mugs and glasses the wrong way in the cupboard. Well, what's the wrong way up? I believe they should I've strong feelings on this. I Believe they should sit in the cupboard the way that they would sit usually and not upside down He puts them upside down with the rim on the wood. Right. if you do that, your drink will taste off-cubbers.

Yeah, exactly. 100%. Exactly. Sometimes people have those kind of like meshes they put down in their cupboards, so it's not actually on the cupboards. It'll taste a mesh then. Still, it'll taste it.

It'll taste it. What you want it to taste of is nothing except for drink. That's all you want. You want to taste up the drinks you're drinking. You don don't want to. I've always wanted to do a comedy sketch where it's just me. Somebody rings the doorbell and I open the door and I say I'm sorry, please, sorry, please excuse the mesh and then there's a giant mesh that we get tangled up in. Sorry, but anyway, that's just because you mentioned the mesh. The I I have to say I think that is fucking bullshit. That you know, what you've done there is given yourself now.

Firstly, you took them out of the dishwasher, you had to turn them upside down to shake them off. Now, given yourself extra work, you pull them out of the cupboard, you've got to turn them, you've got to turn them upside down. You're going to give yourself RSI basically, aren't you? Yes, it's deservedly so. Also, if they've gone in ever so slightly damp, then when when you come to them, they've got like a like a steam in there. There's absolutely, if there's things growing in it. So what's the thought behind it then? What's the thought behind it?

Why do people go for it? There's gotta be, there's gotta be a school of thought that means that's best, right? Feel as though it comes from putting it on a drain board upside down, they're like, oh, it's, because if it is a bit wet, the water runs out, but I'll be able to. So I think, I just think the thought behind it

is that there are people in this world who shouldn't be in this world. Thank you so much because they don't do it. They don't do it. People are enjoying themselves. Enjoy themselves. Upside down. You're not welcome here. Well, I must say that is a kin and I'm sure you've discussed this before to put in the toilet roll on the wrong way so that it's at the back rather than at the front. Yeah, it's mad. You know what I'm talking about. Oh, yeah.

I know what you're talking about. Can a lural go on the wrong way? Yes, a lural can go on the wrong way. If you put the lural on the lural holder and you're pulling it towards you but you have to pull it from underneath because it goes down the back. That's the wrong way. You want to be able to snap it off. You can say why? Yeah, you can snap it off if it's at the back. You can but it's just slightly harder. Further to travel as well. Further for the hand to travel. I think it's also, I think it's accuracy when you have less accuracy when ripping off the last sheet that you need.

And also, I guess you're putting your hand on a sheet that you're not necessarily ripping off. Well, I think what happens is you go to grab the sheet at the back and then as you do that, you just slightly lift the toilet roll and it comes off the hold or a bit sometimes. Right, Right. Paris, trying to, you're doing sort of hand mine here to try to work this out yourself. It's, which, if I quite, I quite fancy it at the back. I think it's small. Well, I, I, I, I, I fancy it at the back, but hello.

Um, I think, I, you know, aesthetically, it seems quite pleasing at the back. No, it looks wrong. It's quite a good deal. You go into, it's at the front, and if you go into a really pretentious hotel, and I include the marriots in this, they do a, somebody's done a little sort of thing with the end paper where they've kind of folded it into a present or something. I don't know, Cornafel. Yes.

But it's a napkin in a glass at Christmas dinner. So like at the Tom Cruise party for example. Yeah. You're telling me the toilet rolls at the front. Well, definitely. Actually, no. What they had at the Tom Cruise party, because it was Hollywood, they had just small boys on their knees who would blow on your anus. Right, yes. So you think the toilet so that you didn't actually need, they were like a sort of, you know, those Japanese toilets, little B days, they would like you

would have a human version of that because it's Hollywood. Boy days. Boy days. Thank you for the days. They were over the age of 18 okay guys. Sure. That's a different time. Hey you know when you met Tom Cruz. You know when you met Tom Cruz did he say your name back to loads because that's the chat they ever want to say. I met it

twice. He was extremely friendly. He also spoke with passion about Little Britain, which was very... No, I'm not sure. Yeah, and I met him the second time I was in a box at LA Galaxy. I was in David Bale's box at LA Galaxy, and I was sat in the seats behind Tom Cruise and he was again really cordial. He was really gracious with fans who wanted photographs and autographs. He had time to absolutely everyone. He was consummate pro and it was, you know, it was amazing to see that. Obviously, someone like Tom Cruise is never going to be able to sign and shake the hands

of absolutely everybody who wants You know wants to shake his hand, but he damn well did as much as he could and He was very charming and And did did you want did you did you get a photo with him? No, no, yeah, I was gonna say like I don't think I did because I was feel like Exactly, yeah, he's not good enough to have one with me. No, I, no. Cos I was gonna say like, I don't think I did because I was feel like. Exactly. Yeah. He's not good enough to have one with me. No, I was feel like.

Jackie, I was feel like, no, I felt like it would be an imposition to ask. I don't, I, no, I didn't. Well, maybe I didn't even think about it. Maybe I just, I don't know. No, because he's out there. He's just enjoying the sort of voice. That's it. Yeah, I know. It's that thing, isn't it?

I've got to be like, I always think like retrospectively in those situations, you go, you never want to be the person who's asking for a photo, but then after you kind of go, it would be nice to have a photo. No, but actually what I knew was, I didn't need to actually thinking about it because I could,

there were loads of paparazzi filming us for the entirety of the match. And what I do know was that there were loads of photographs in the papers of like literally Tom Cruise and me sat in the seat behind him. And there's photos where I'm like talking to him and he's like really laughing at something I'm saying. And I'm like, I remember it being in the daily mail

and the comments were like, the fuck is Matt Lucas doing there? Bury, like fury, absolute fury. Like how disgusted people were. But you know what, you know what, you know what, rage that is, don't you? That's the same rage that we used to have watching the heartbeat gallery. That's all it is. They just want to be taken out.

Absolutely. Well, I tell you, it's the same, it's the same rage I get when I see people enjoying themselves. Yeah, that's all it is. That's all it is. It's a few rage stories. It's a few rage stories enjoying themselves. Yeah, that's all it is. That's all it is. It's a few relationships. I'm sorry. Yeah. Yeah. I suppose that is the good thing about going hanging out with Tom Cruise. It's a little bit like.

Yeah, it's on cruise. I mean, it was literally, it was two times in my life. I mean, spending a moment though with Tom Cruise is the chances are that somebody's taking the photograph anyway. So it's a bit like being on a log flume. All you've got to do at the end of it is a photograph there waiting for you. Just just make sure you're looking good the whole time. Exactly. That's all you've got to think of. Just tell me this right. You know, if you've been to, you go to a theme park in America. Yeah. You go to Disneyland Universal.

When you arrive, literally just when you put your, you know, show your ticket at the gate or bought your ticket, you walk in. There's always someone with a nice camera who wants to take a photo of you in the park. Yeah. And you see people having those photos taken, I don't, I mean, not to be mean, but I was like, why don't you just give someone your camera phone and ask them to take a photo or give them your camera. And it was amazed that that there's still an industry in people camera. And what is amazing that there's still an industry in people paying $30 for someone to just take a photo of them in Disneyland. It's not like it's a photo of them with Mickey Mouse. People like those cardboard sleeves though.

They do. They do. They do. They do. And I think actually you're right because often they print something on the corner of the photograph, don't they? They do. Yeah. So it's a fish. Here's the thing though as well with those. Often if you go to like a tourist attraction, they will take a photograph before you get, like if you got the shard for example, they'll take a photo of you downstairs, like on the ground floor of the shard, on a green screen with the shard behind you.

Really? Yes. And then you can buy that afterwards and you go, well no, I've asked him up the fucking shard. Why do you, I'm not getting the shard. You know, there's so many, we were, were my wife I went to holiday round New Zealand we went to loads of like places like the the the white-ocaves and stuff and we're about to go inside the caves and like no photography in the caves but we'll

take your photograph and superimpose it onto five different versions of the cave that we've taken ourselves and and then we'll charge you 20. Of course we bought it because it was so funny. But, you know, like, it's stupid, it's stupid photographs. And it's the same photos didn't even ask. There was one that were like, okay, look up, look up this time as if you're being, you know, as if you're wowed by the caves. So we've not yet seen the caves yet. So we've got to be, imagine what we're going to feel once we get into the caves and be like, ah, and then they sell you the photo.

That's what my wife and I did that for our whole honeymoon. We just told people we went to New Zealand. But really, we just had a photoshoot down the road in Croydon, behind a green screen. You've just given me a green screen flashback, which is so horrific, which is basically when I was about 13, 14, there was this really brilliant museum, the South Bank in London, which was only there for probably five or six years. I know, yeah, yeah. The museum of the moving

image. Yeah, moment. I mean, all the time, fantastic. Yeah, it was absolutely brilliant. They'd have dedicated exhibitions. There was the, there was the, the Muppets and they had like one of Charlie Chaplin's original Cains, I think they had Oliver Hardis, Bollahart and it was absolutely brilliant but they they was very keen and this is what late 80s to do some kind of interactivity and I remember one of the things they did was you could do a split screen interview with Barry Norman, supposedly on the set of films. And where you'd sit in this booth and then Barry would ask you questions and leave gaps and you'd answer them. And then they'd, so anyway, so I went in there and being about 13 and thinking, oh yeah, I'm gonna be a comedian one day

I gave like really rude answers my grandma and I gave like really rude I really kind of really like unfunny rude answers that you do when you're like 13 and sort of you know going I'm very normal. What's your problem and just do things like that? I think it was really funny, right? But what happened was I and just do things like that. I think it was really funny, right? But what happened was, I came out of there and think it was just sort of amusing myself, right? And there was a whole group of people

and they'd been watching it on a monitor. Oh, wow. While I was doing it, and they all just looked at me like, I was so, they were just really disappointed in me. You know when a teacher says, I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed, right? They looked at me and then grandma said, I think you should see it.

Like that, like she was angry with me and she wanted to teach me a lesson which I think was the right thing to do. And so I stood there and I got a new crowd gathered and I had to stand there and squirm while they played the whole sort of two minute bit again on the monitor of me just being the most horrible child. It was awful. But the other brilliant thing that

happened in there was that in the museum of the moving image, they'd have actors sort of out of work theatre actors being characters and interacting with you. Do you remember that? So they'd have somebody who was working in the Cinemarfia of a movie in 1939 and they'd pretend to be them and they had this little Russian train carriage in which they were showing Isenstein silent films and this actor was pretending to be like a Russian train guard and he tried to usher us into the carriage to watch some Eisenstein and my

grandmother. She went, come along, we are not being ordered around by a Russian. So I didn't quite realise that it wasn't, it was just a man. It's a 19 year old kid... It was just a man. It's a 19-year-old kid. It was just out of drama school, wanting to make it in the business. I know, but also, I remember around the same time walking along with my grandmother,

and there was a play on at the Lyric Theatre at the time called Burn This, which starred John Melchovich, and this sign said, Burn This Lyric Theatre, and my grandmother saw it and went, well, that is terrible, that's a lovely theatre. Why do they want to do that? Sorry, these stories go nowhere and I'm terribly sorry. Oh no, this is absolutely love it. That was my green screen help. Always entertaining. Basically what we need to say to Mark is just play up your flatmate

this. You know, pre-annickdotes, obviously. But the stuff, I mean, it's clear. I don't even know. It's one of those things where I can't get my head around why someone would do it. You don't do it with plates, you don't do it with cutlery, you don't do it with bowls, why is it happening to mugs? It doesn't make any sense to do it. You never put a vase back in the cupboard upside down, do you? Exactly, no. No, no.

Boles, you're basically trapping air. You're putting old air into a mug. Yeah. You're drinking stale air. Ha, ha, ha. Just a few seconds. You don't think you're stale air. You died of stale air. It's just a good stale air. He died of stale air. Sounds like that sounds like something you'd see on a gravestone in a churchyard

and somebody in 1742 died of stale air. Taken taken by stale air. Yeah, or it's like Jonathan. It's an episode of Jonathan Cray. Well, I do. Yeah, I'll still be part of it down. I mean, I can't... I've got a solution, right?

Right, I've got a solution, right? So get one of those vaping things, right? Go along, go to the cupboard at night and vape into each one of the mugs, right? And you say vaping things, do you mean vape? Yes, there you go. No, that's it. So they say vaping things do mean vape So vaping to each one of the mugs at night and then when he gets up in the morning goes for a mug He'll get to actually see the stale air and get like by like one of those rancid vape flavors Don't get like a nice one. You don't have to go like oh blue There must be a market for it, right?

Because you know, like you used to have those gobstoppers that were like, this is gonna blow your mind. You know what I think you're right. I think you can. And I think not only can you buy rancid intentionally rancid vape flavors, you can buy intentionally rancid vape flavors that were intentionally created for stale air to be

blown into cupboards to teach neighbors who put glasses upside down a lesson. I think it's called cupboard, I feel. There you go. That's a viral cover. If you don't want it if your local vape shop is closed, I imagine quite a lot of them are at the moment, then just fart into the mugs. I don't have to be queer, it's a bit gross, but that's really rude. Can I just say, what's your farting into the mugs? Your argument about putting them upside down does, it's really kind of been blown out the water because you've kind of just added insults to injury that.

Take one of the mugs, make that your mug, keep that in your room, keep that, you know, wash that up yourself. Right, way up, you're no much one right way up. Keep that, keep that in your room, have that as your mug, fart in all the other mugs. The logistics of getting the mug from your ass to the cupboard with the fart still in it.

Oh, no, you've got to stand on the, you've got to stand on the ledge and fart into the cupboard and it's safe to get in there. This is a healthy, safe, well, you know, just, you've got to stand on the, you've got to stand on the ledge and fart into the cupboard and you can't get in the dark. This is a healthy, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, safe, Yeah, but then you're what's gonna be doing it. All right. Here's a question We're all saying that The the flatmate is wrong in putting the glasses upside down. We're all saying it. Yeah, why do we think the flatmate is doing it? So to give them the benefit of the doubt what if there's like some kind of leak in the cupboard or some, you know fly

They can't you know the cupboard or some fly, they can't, you know, the fly just fly out. Now, if there's a fly in the cupboard, it can't shit in the mug, can it? If it's inside out. Maybe they think that the inside of the cup will become dusty or something, if it's left in a cupboard inside,

they're protecting the inside of the mug. How long are you leaving it in the cupboard? Just get fewer mugs then. Get, get, get, get, get. Well actually this does bring up a point which is during the pandemic, I am loading and unloading that washing machine every day. So those mugs don't even stay in the cupboard very long

right now. Exactly. Yeah, you're going fresh mug for every new cup of tea or whatever it is. Why wouldn't you? Yeah, I don't think it makes, even when we try and give them the benefit of the doubt, it still makes fuck all sense.

I think the guys are lunatic and quite frankly, I don't wanna hear any more about it. I'm not sure. I think we've been trolled and I think this whole message is just an exercising shit stirring. Yeah, you know what? Which by the way is what you do after you've killed that a far mum.

It's a massive exercise in mug farting and when he's drawing my London. You know what? Mark, we're calling this beef solved. Beef from the Zoning at your beef! It's soft! Clark, you have to go, don't you? So we should... I've afraid of you doing this. We should wrap this up.

Matt, it's been so lovely having you on the show. Thank you so much. It's been a total pleasure. Thank you. I feel like I do most days during lockdown, which is I didn't really get much done and I'm so sorry, but we did talk a lot. I feel like we didn't get through enough beef and I feel very bad. We filled a podcast and that's all that counts. That's all that matters. In this lockdown, it's just important that we keep podcasting. The thing solving is very much Plan B. Plan A is just constantly talk and put it out there guys. Put it out there. Thank you so much and what a treat Matt. Thank you. I usually would say it's nice to get out the house but I mean

that didn't happen. Go and jump in the paddling pool with the kids. Yes, Balmin. Yes, they'll love that if I do that. Hello, neighbours. You have a fat lad in your pool now. I was so glad you could be here. Well, there you go. What a treat that was. Thank you for joining us. Listen, Adir, it is always a pleasure to be within your ear canal.

Yes, and it's always a pleasure to have you there, Tom. Always a pleasure. Oh, yeah. And I tell you who else it's a a pleasure to have you there Tom always a pleasure. Yeah, and I tell you who else It's a real pleasure to have there my friend my colleague. It's you Matthew. It's always been you so much and Can I just say Running around robbing banks all whacked up on scubi snacks It's got to be you Tom. It was me all along. It was me all along This episode was produced by you Matthew, it's produced by you.

It's produced by you. Corsha me I guess. Corsha mew. It was produced by Emma Corsha, of course Corsha. Corsha. To you. If you enjoyed the show, leave a review on iTunes, recommend it to a friend, hop along the patron community.

If you know what that means, just hop along these two. Guys, hop along the patron community. Guys, they'll put other places you can hop. Hop along our Twitter at Pappy's Tweet, hop along our Instagram at Pappy's Comedy. You know, and of course, hop along Eventbrite, and see if you can get tickets

for the next flat-chest lockdown on July the 8th. Just basically, hop along. Cheers, everyone. Bye! and see if you can get tickets for the next Black Shared Slendon on July 8th. Just basically hop along. Cheers everyone. Bye! Okay, okay. Okay. Okay. Okay, okay, okay, alright.

Alright, can we please be upstanding? Okay, okay, okay, okay. Please be upstanding, okay? Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Please be upstanding, okay, for the Patreon. Neighborhood Watch, okay, roll, cool, okay. Okay, okay, okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Enough of that, that one, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay,ki? Oh, okay, okay. Don't, can we put it down please?

Okay, I've got to put that. I went out with someone the other day actually, okay, okay? Okay, I'll add that. I've got to tell you. Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay, thank you. Okay, okay, okay. I can tell you, he's no fool.

He's no fool. Okay, it's Matthew Paul. Oh, Jesus Christ, that's too much guys, honestly. Can we cut it out please? Okay, all right, please. I need to get home, I've got a project going on in my bold loft. Okay, okay, I've got to get back to my project, okay.

Your bold loft. Yes, I'm making my loft bold with my friend Matt Holdcroft. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. It's enough of that. You've let yourself down there, but okay, okay. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. If you will, if you're most okay. If you listen, all of this is actually, is it starting to get me nerves a little bit, you know, sort of. It's starting to make me feel a little bit anxious, it's starting to make me feel a little bit crazy. Okay, okay, okay, okay, pipe down.

Neat to have a little relaxing chat with my friend, Fablezie. Okay, calm it down. That's enough of that, see what you were doing there now. Yeah, that's all right, okay, okay. Well, everyone does need to calm down, though, because I'd say this, but someone's been playing around with Moss Boran. Oh, no!

Piper down. Oh, it's Piper down, please. Who's been playing around with Moss Boran? I think we know who it is. I think we know who it is. It's Mike Warren Okay, okay, okay, put us poron down Mike okay I do me a favor okay, stop messing around pick up that jelly bean toss it in my gobson toss it into my gobson

Don't throw it over there. We all know who sat there three days ago and let her fucking fart It was just deaf robson Okay Three days ago still around still stick Fucking girl, okay, I can barely contain my sparrow over here So if it don't always return it. I think he's returned to sparrow. Oh, he's giving it back, but I'll tell you what, what he did a little four days ago,

it doesn't pay much for him. Oh, I've done! All right guys, now listen, listen, just pipe down guys, seriously, seriously, and now, and now, and now, seriously, and now for that guys, okay, do a little bit of fun, okay. Oh, it's fun, enough for that,

enough for that, now listen, the other day, this blo great. Oh, okay awful gentlemen Can't be piped down. I tried to turn to pipe down He's he actually wrote me wrote me a screen on a bit of old parchment. Oh, no. Yeah, yeah It's uncoolful. Yeah, he got the he got his branding. out and he took a number two. I don't want to say. He took a number two on the parchment and then used the branding seal to sort of make an insignia on it.

It was, yeah, he said there's your parchment it's been shit sealed oh classic Carl Whitfield is brept in the parchment he's absolutely shit sealed it oh everyone needs to pipe down right now because this has been going on too much it's been going on too much we all know what's going on here.

Okay. It's been too much, okay? Okay. Pipe down. Pipe down. So it's like this every day. It's like this every goddamn day you guys. Just pipe down. Pipe down. We've been getting it in the neck. Daily. Daily pipe down. Oh, guys. Pipe down. Okay, okay.

And I tell you, it's a real problem. It's cyber Bailey. Oh, and absolutely, can you all just... Pop that, pop that, pop that, pop that. Well, listen, listen, they asked me to name names. Oh yeah. They came to me, they said, well, you name names, okay, okay. I said, no, I said no. Pop, pop, pop.

I said, no, I said, no, no, no, I will not name names. I say, I absolutely refuse. But then I'll throw them back here. They tried to make you name names, you said, no, I absolutely refuse. But then I'll fall about it. They tried to make your name names, you said no, no, no. They tried to maybe name names and I said no, no, no. I absolutely refuse. And then I said, go on then, I'll give you one. It's David Hughes. BUDDOW, don't go, you know.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, no, he's chest. Oh God, I don't do his top button because that concludes today's neighborhood watch. Oh Patreon roll call cut down pipe down. Pop down everybody. I must go man. We're waiting in the sky Oh, I do his top butter Oh, I've town, hell, pop down I'm a black star

John, I'm only dancing Oh, magic dance Give me a liver and a knee and pie Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe