Pappy's Flatshare - Beef Brothers Cold Cuts w/ Nic Sampson S14E27

Episode Date: July 29, 2024

The Beef Brothers are here to solve your beefs with special guest Nic SampsonNic's Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/nicthesampsonNic's Edinburgh Fringe tickets - https://tickets.edfringe.com/whats-on/nic-sampson-yellow-power-rangerPappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetPappy's Insta - https://www.instagram.com/pappyscomedy/Support us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareFind tickets to all our live shows here - pappyscomedy.com/liveEdited by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey marketers, advertisers, and business owners. Find yourself chatting up the same audience in the same places using the same old lines. Maybe it's time to podcast the net further to catch your next customer. With Acast, there's plenty of fish in the sea with more than 100,000 podcasts and millions of listeners. So there's a perfect match for every business. Use our ad platform to cast your net, then narrow down using targeting such as demographic, show categories, audience segments and more.

Find your match and reel them in. Advertise on more than 100,000 podcasts with Acast. Head to go.acast.com slash closer to get started. Greetings, listener dear, I'm Tom. I'm Ben. And I am Matthew and welcome to another exciting episode of Pappy's Flat Shared Beef Brothers Cold Cuts. It is exciting. We have the brilliant and I don't think you'll mind me saying this New Zealander.

Nick Sampson. Nick Sampson's with us today. He makes no secret of the fact he is from New Zealand. He's a fantastic comedian. He's going to be up at the Edinburgh Fringe this year in a show directed by none other than Benedict Clarke. Hi. What? Yeah, it's exciting.

Yeah, it's going to be great. It's called Yellow Power Ranger. And it's a brilliant show. Clarke loves it. I do. We're yet to see it, but we've heard only brilliant things. But yeah, Yellow Power Ranger, that's going to be up at the Fringe, ticketsfromredfringe.com. It was great having him on. We had a wonderful chat with him.

And should we just crack right into it? I think so. Yeah, that's going to save the thing. Admin be damned. Here we go. Enjoy Nick Sampson in Beef Brothers Cold Cuts. Well, if you've got a problem, don't call it a problem. If you've got a problem, call it a beef.

If you've got a beef, maybe we can help you. Beef Brothers, calling out your beef. Cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold cuts, cold If you've got a problem, don't call it a problem. If you've got a problem, call it a B. If you've got a B, maybe we can help you. B from the sorting out your B. Long cuts.

Have you been doing the homework that Ben's assigned to you? Is this... Yeah, it's a lot of personal essays. He's a bit, he's not your, he's not your normal director. He's not your, you know, he does a lot of ripping up of books and throwing away. Yeah, yeah. He's always standing on desks. No matter how many times he asks, don't send him your pin number. Yeah, in order for me to control the show, I have to control your entire life.

Let's be cool guys. Be cool. Come on. I was this close. Four years, I was in the hole to Clark. He was directing me. Well, he asked me to invest in the Pepe's crypto coin and he's, yeah, it's got no way to go, but I absolutely, it can't fall any further. Can it? You would think that wouldn't you? You would think that.

There's always a massive crash before it just soars through the sky. Yeah. And thanks for buying the NFTs as well. They always think that. This is what they say. There's always a massive crash before it just soars through the sky. Yeah. And thanks for buying the NFTs as well. They always appreciate that. No worries. They're really good. They're taking up so much space on my computer. It's going so slowly now.

We are the funky apes, baby. We're the funky apes. So yeah, you are preparing to go up to the fringe. Who are you going to be staying with up at the fringe? Who are you living with? Oh, I'm living with my wife's brother. I don't know if you know him. I don't know if I do.

Give me more details. It's a lovely place in Leith. So, you know, you can kind of get away from the hustle and bustle. I was in Leith last year for the first time and I had an absolute treat, I must admit. Yeah, it's nice. And they've finished building the tram now. So exactly that's it. Take the tram, tram in, walk along the coast, breathe in the, it feels great actually. Yeah. Steer into the sea after you've had a good show, I think, but just sort of.

It's always good to have access to the sea after a bad show. Yeah, very useful. That's what they say. Get yourself to the sea, that won't do anything wrong to your head at all. If you've ever seen Parry do one of his famous Edinburgh shows, he will often end it by saying thank you very much everybody, I'm off to walk into the sea. And that can mean both a good thing or a bad thing. You don't really know. You don't really know until the coast guard takes over. You don't know until the next day whether he turns up or not. I started choosing venues to stuff G-Maps.

Yeah. I just looked, what's the closest venue to the coast? He starts the show with his pockets filled with stones and every laugh he takes out one stone. Oh my god, now that is a concept fruit fly that I would absolutely watch. You need to save this man's life. Last night an audience saved my life. I really like it. It's got real peril. Day off on the 15th if I make it.

The early previews are tough to get through. It's just thought on a bit of paper. They're tough to get to is the problem. But the method is you start with less stones for the work in progress. When I went to see it I brought my own stones. I was throwing stones at this age. Yeah, that becomes a thing that's what fans start bringing their own stones. Rubbish! Have a stone, mate! At the end of it, everyone, a big standing ovation, everyone chucked them armbands. So it's great to have a person on the inside and I like is your is your wife's brother

is he charging you rent or is this a goodness of his own heart type thing or are you are you mucking in with the cooking what's the what's the arrangement. Yeah I actually don't he hasn't he hasn't shot it in charge me rent last time and he's hoping that he doesn't charge me at this time. And in, system. Yeah. Last time I got COVID during the show and then he brought me beans and soup and stuff. So, you know, it's a great setup. That's amazing. Can I ask you two personal questions? Sure. One, is this the reason you married your wife? I was going to ask the same question. Did you start with someone who lives

in it or around Edinburgh and work backwards? Did you start with GMAPs? Yeah, look, sorry, as my microphone was just disconnected. Oh, sorry. Did we get too close to the truth? The oldest trick in the book. Oh, sorry. Someone's someone shutting my laptop. I have to go into the sea. Can you hear me now? Yeah.

Yeah. Jesus Christ. Okay. That was a tense moment, wasn't it? It's a temperamental sit up. Second personal question. I don't know if he's a listener or not, but do you get on with him? Like is the cost of this hangout time with your wife's brother? Like do you have to spend time with him? Because obviously in Edinburgh, time is precious and you need

to conserve your energy. What? Is a few hours of that energy going on, hanging out with your wife's brother? No, he's great. We get on really well. And but it does feel like just feel like going back to flatting a bit, which I know is the theme of this pod. But yeah, it's a good time. What's his like, what would you say is would be his description of you as a as a

tenant? Oh, ill. Oh, yeah. Very sick. Constantly ringing a constantly ringing a little bell by the bed demanding more beans. What word contagious? That sounds pretty right. And I'm not talking about a sense of humor. Yeah, gave him COVID.

Yeah. Well, I guess we only sort of like to get in the context of Durnian reference. So just a busy legend, I guess. Yeah, great. Yeah, perfect. Sure. The busy legend. Yeah. The reviews are in.

A busy legend. Three. The reviews are in a busy legend. Three stars. Three stones. Three stars. My my thing about I spend quite a bit of time now on people's sofas because I'm doing really well. And there's always a risk of the person who you get in after the gig and they've sat up for you and it's like, Hey, let's get a couple of like, here's a

can of beer and let's chat and it's like half 10 and all you really want to do is. Get some kids. That's like, there's a danger of spending as sharing a flat with someone you get on too well within Edinburgh. I feel like this guy is he up for is he up for shits and giggles? How does he let you get your head down? He's very respectful. He's very respectful of my process. I'm very prickly and I'll just, just like very short temper.

And he just takes it. He takes it in his stride, which is good. I think I do have a, I remember when I was flatting, I had a reputation in my flat as being a grump because I just, I'm not really a morning person. And the rest of my flat would be like, this is what we're doing this quite early and yeah, you know, super early. Yeah. I'm very grumpy about that. It's, it's getting me right back into, into that feeling. I'm still slightly reading from Tom's question of have you ever lived with anyone who's wanted

to hang out with you? Because I've never, even in my current living situation with my wife and kids, I've never, I've never had that. This is what are you doing? That's why you're trying to get us to podcast with you. This is my only hangout. Yeah. Tom's problem is that he has too much fun. Yeah, he's just too cool. It's just too much. He's just too much personality. He's always got the shades on. He's always just bowling around. A plate of beans in both hands. Oh I've got my shades on. Oh I didn't even notice. I'll tell you what, I'm going back to bed. I'm still in bed.

Beep from the sodding of your beef! CUT! Shall we try and solve somebody else's beef? Tom, do you want to do the Godparent from Hell beef from Mike? Oh my God, Here we go. God parent from hell. Mike via beef brothers podcast at gmail.com. Now, is it just me or does that sound like a, it could be a Will Ferrell film. God parent from hell. Yeah, absolutely. When Will Ferrell is slightly coasting on fumes. One of those Mark Wahlberg Will Ferrell vehicles. The thing about Godparent

is for me, a Godparent from hell is quite avoidable. Do you not feel like your Godparents? They're not a huge part of your life. I mean, first of all, you picked him and now you... What are you doing? Let's find out. Let's find out. Okay. Dear Papi's producer and guest, I'm hoping you can help me. I'm the happy parent of a five-year-old son.

When he was born, we decided to nominate a few people as godparents. We aren't religious, so it was really just a nod to some people in our lives, and I figured, nah, it wouldn't make much difference. I chose my brother and his fiance, and my wife chose her old friend or colleague, let's call her Jenny, and her husband. As it turns out, I do not like Jenny. She's very annoying and weird.

Here are some examples, not necessarily in any order. She has a new job every month or so. She's a freelancer. I tell you what, the one thing you want from your godparent is stability. You are picked unwisely there. You need a bit of financial security. There's shifting sands underneath Jenny, I'm afraid. You know, she hasn't got the strong foundations of a godparent. She has a new job every month or so, always citing the people she works with don't know

what they're doing or she doesn't like them. Every time we see her, she's either leaving a job or starting one. She bought my son. This is a different point. Can we spend a second on that? That is a really funny reason to be annoyed with somebody. They're constantly... because it doesn't have any bearing on Mike here, whether or not she's starting a job, leaving a job. But it's a funny trait to be like, every bloody time I see her, she's either just quitting the job or just starting a job or both. It's a red flag for me. You put a lot of trust in your godparent. You don't want them to influence your child to think they could have options in life.

You want you have one job and you stick with it until you die. And it's unfair to be like going against that. Stay in your lane and you have to like everyone at it. You work for the post office from the age of 18 until you die or get put in prison That's the rules guys She bought my son his first bike without talking to us first She also bought him his first pair of shoes He's a key parent moments that she took from us

Great She took from us. She took. What? Great. This is great stuff. Right. She also bought my son a box of presents every single day of December. Wow. And this wasn't just a little book or a chocolate. In one box was PJ's videos.

Videos? This sounds like she isn't starting and leaving jobs she's getting a new job every time just a stack on top just keep up with all these presents she's happened to buy what are these what are these jobs she's getting what does she's furious everyone she works with she's like they're rubbish I've got 14 jobs I have she's absolutely running on fumes at this point. She's ruining her life to provide for this godchild. I know. We'll probably get a beat from her next week saying, listen, this godson's killing me. On the 7th of December, she got a box. Yeah, so she gave him a box that had PJs and videos

and books in it. This is just a snapshot of what we're dealing with. She does live about an hour away, so these visits and annoyances are fleeting, but we are stuck in an annual holiday with her, which is unbearable, and I'm trying to get out of the situation. How is she getting annual leave? She's just started the job. She just does it on her lunch break. She's just screeching around in a car, throwing a brand new bicycle out the window. To my 15th job day.

Maybe that's why she starts new jobs, because she uses up her holiday, spent time with a godsend and then she has to get more holidays. I just start another job where she gets the holiday, uses it immediately, then gets out of there. Just started another job at this bike factory. Terrible news. My latest job's for Santa. I've got a couple toys going out of my ears. What's it got to do with it all? Where do you get the videos from? What's the question? Yeah, videos. Okay, on top of this we are expecting a baby daughter in the next few days.

Oh congratulations. Thank you. She has already claimed that she'll be godparent to this one also. Whoa. She loves a new job. If I know Jenny, she sees a new job on the horizon, she's taking it. We've said no, but she's saying no.

We've said no? Yeah. She says she'll be God parent in spirit. She's already started buying things for her. And she even suggested naming the baby. Have we made the baby after her? How do I lever this person out of my life? Best regards, Mike.

Now there's a big kicker coming down the post here. So, Clark, you comment now and then I'll give you the kicker. It's unbelievable that it started like this sounds like a Will Ferrell movie because this genuinely still sounds like a Will Ferrell movie. It sounds like a Jim, one of those dark Jim Carrey movies. Yeah, he's playing a bit of a psycho. It's got cable guy vibes. Yeah.

Nick, I think you've sniffed what's coming down the post. You ready for a PS? PS. I've discovered she's pretty racist. Mike, I'd leave it that one. I would say that's a bigger problem. He keeps buying her presents. She's a big fan of Nigel Farage and is getting bolder and bolder in her racism. Originally saying things just in her home, for which I called her out of course, but

on a recent trip to Skegness with my wife, she was saying racist things on the beach in hearing range of people. Not on the beach. Which is not the kind of person I want around my kids. Especially in the capacity of God parent. So there is that as well. Yeah, here is that little wrinkle. Yeah, sure, she's buying a lot of used but she is also buying a lot of used.

But the main problem is the presents. The main problem is she's got 15 jobs. That's our real me for them. She's buying lots of presents. They've all got Union Jacks on them. And, erm... Don't watch those videos kids. That's why they're videos, because the opinions in them are so outdated.

Is this a Betamax? Try getting an Enoch Powell speech on DVD, you just can't for love, Normani. Okay, okay, okay. Well Mike, that really was. That was an M. Night Shyamalan self-twist at the ending. Because we were having a right old Johnny dance around the fact that she buys lots of gifts and has lots of jobs. And then you tell us, well I think that is enough of a reason just to say I never ever want to see you again. Yeah totally. She has given you the outs. It feels like she's given you several outs. If she's giving you an out in her house and out on

the beach with an air shot. I don't know what the procedure is for firing and rehiring Godparents, I don't know if you can. Oh, it feels like something you need to get God involved with. Yeah. Like, can you revoke what a priest could do done? Like an exorcism. Yeah. Yeah. Splash with holy water. Say the power of Christ compels you. Because once the deal's done, is the deal done? I think that's an interesting question for me. Can you revoke God parent?

We were saying there's no such thing as a job for life, but actually maybe God parent is your job for life that's it. Well I mean she's used to being fired and rehired. Well I was gonna say maybe she's addicted to it and maybe this is another case of her wanting to be able to go to people well I was a Godparent but they bloody got rid of me and I'm trying to find it like maybe she's addicted to serial Godjobs and losing them. I imagine you've got some immigrants do my job for me didn't you? them I imagine you've got some immigrants do my job for me didn't you I mean that would that would be the best thing to do it's absolutely insane that I mean it's a racist thing is just popping up at the end I can't get my head around it it's rendered as pretty speechless on this one because maybe leaked Jenny's defense and everyone was ready to have a

little bit of fun with it. And then it turns out that you can't. I would say I would say wait till January 1. So you still get the you know, 30 odd gifts in December. And then say look, it's an it's a new year. It's a new you we're bringing in some we're bringing in a different You're a reformed character and not in a good way You're a reformed candidate Amazing amazing scenes

Yes, I think straight advice is use the incident in Skegness to say, look, we can't have you around anymore. I'm afraid. Yeah, yes, it's completely fair enough. But we are going to know my daughter after you. So there is that. She's going to be called Jenny Hitler. We just love. We love Wigan, they were after you and the person on your T-shirt.

I think in this instance, in this instance, you just have to say, look, I can't be friends with a racist. It's unacceptable. It doesn't align with my views. It doesn't align with the views we're bringing up our child. And she'll say, am I still his godparent though? And you'll say, no, you have to say no. That's not how it works. You can't fire me. Well this priest says different.

There were no terms of contract. Exactly. Yeah, we can. Okay. Yeah. Just wait for her to say the phrase. There were no terms of contract. And then and then say exactly. And then beef salt. Happy days. You may have to return all the stuff that she's given you though. Like you might have to just leave it in a pile outside because otherwise it's going to send the wrong message to your child that racism gets you bikes. That's her slogan. Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Get from the zoning I you be! Be soft! Hey marketers want a matchmaker to set you up with your perfect audience Well, look no further get intimate right away with host read sponsorships with a cast

Use a cast's self-serve ad platform to search and partner up with a podcaster or two from our network of more than 100,000 shows Have them sing your praises in their own words and get their listeners ready to be wooed into loyal customers It's the ultimate loving endorsement. Book host Fred's sponsorships with Acast. Head to go.acast.com slash closer to get started. Nick, you've got one from Pat. Oh, sure. Cat beef is the title. Hello, Pappy's Boys and fabulous guest thank you I've got a beef with my neighbors cat after your my neighbors feed my dog cheese to the cat flap beef that sounds good

that was a strong episode that one yeah I thought this might be a chance being read apologies. I'm a few weeks behind on the pods Okay, we'll get with it To get to the point my neighbors cat shits all over my garden Bit of context the poos aren't buried and are big for a cat My neighbors are a lovely couple who have done nothing but be nice and neighborly to me since I moved in four years ago have done nothing but be nice and neighborly to me since I moved in four years ago. I'm a cat lover and I don't have my own cat as I'm away too much, but I could, if I would, hashtag responsible cat owner. If I ever see the cat in the garden doing its business, I may bang on the window, but

she'll just stare at me and carry on pooping. The cat does this mime of burying her business, but it's just that a mime. So can I just get a mental picture here? The cat is maintaining eye contact with you and then pretending to bury the shit. This is a vindictive cat. It really is. It's doing a little box. Pretending it's really windy walking through the wind. Trying to move a heavy balloon. If as a kitten she used a shallow litter box she may never have learned to bury properly,

but she's a rescued cat. This both reinforces how nice my neighbors are and absolves them of blame. It's not a huge garden, five meters squared maybe, and it's just a simple mow to maintain my lawn. Mowing it becomes a longer job than it should have as I have to stick a pair of gloves on and go round and round clearing the lawn before mowing it. Trust me, a mown few days old cat poo smells worse than a fresh one. My neighbors are very embarrassed about it and they apologize profusely. They have in past come around and clear it up but it's not viable if I have a spare half hour to mow the grass to expect them to come around first. I'm understanding and maybe too nice to be mad at them or the cat.

I don't think you can say that after you've sent a 15 paragraph. Just too nice. sent 15 paragraphs. Just too nice. I made my neighbors come round and pick up this poo. While I watch them waiting to mow my lawn. Whilst I maintain I'm looking like a shooting cat. And then I mow my lawn. It just finishes with any advice or tips other than move house would be gratefully received. Cheers everyone.

Bye. Oh, there's actually a there's a PSA. Yes, because the cat is a racist. The cat killed my mom. And my very last maintaining eye contact. Yeah, and I'm mowed over her balls. Okay. Okay. Okay. Well, okay.

First of all, you've got to stop getting your neighbours round to clean it up. That's awkward. I don't think she got the round to do it particularly if they're elderly They said that that has happened. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah said she came round But I think that was by their own volition ross and like yeah But you've got to let them in and let them do it like this. Oh, can we come round and clean it up and you go? Yeah Yeah now you can do it right now mate. They didn't leap the fence. It's not clear if they if they if they asked to come around like it just says that they they're embarrassed about it and they apologize profusely and they've come around in the past and cleared it up so that could be her going hey hey guys so the cat always so sorry that yeah.

Hey guys so the cat always so sorry that yeah so can you come around and pick up her share. If only there was something someone would be about it. I would never ask this because I'm so nice and understanding but I am otherwise just gonna mow I just I guess I'll just have to mow straight over it and I guess it will go in my mouth. I don't know what to do. Might go blind. Surely there's one fun answer here which brings joy to everyone. A sprinkler. A sprinkler.

That's a great, that's a really good idea. That is a good idea. Everyone loves sprinklers. I feel like they had their time and it was like, oh my god, these are fucking amazing. They've got very excited about sprinklers. And now people are very kind of laissez faire about sprinklers. They've forgotten how joyful they can be. Yeah, they're great fun. Do any of us own a sprinkler? Yes.

No. Yeah, but no garden, which is weird. That's how you shower in the morning, isn't it? You just attach it to the kitchen tap and just run around the kitchen and go that's me fresh. Just your poor brother-in-law hates it doesn't he? He'll get used to it. Talk us through your sprinkler crossbow. It's just one of the ones that you plug into the hose. You can either do a 360 rotation. It's an adjustable one, so you can do one half of the garden

or do the whole way round or whatever. It's great. I love it. And the kids love it. And again, the cat doesn't. Our cat doesn't go in the garden when the sprinkler's on. Hurry. I think you're right.

You know what? Invite the neighbors round and rather than having to clean up the shit, you can have a light run around in the water. I mean, it's going to be 20, it's going to be 29 degrees today. It's absolutely, it's going to be absolutely roasting where we are. I don't know what it's like where you are Pat, but we're in the middle of some really nice weather. Get them round. And just of course, because you're such a nice guy make them by the sprinkler I think I think you just knock on the door and say hey guys, so I'm just off to enough to be in Q2

To get a sprinkler, I guess and I Don't know how I think it'll be about about 30 pounds And that's gonna yeah, I know I can afford it, but it's gonna, it's gonna sting. So anyway, just and I'm sure they'll pay for it. Yeah. I wonder if you can get motion activated sprinkles. Because that would be the dream. I just, yeah. It's like, yeah, it's effectively like a kind of little sort of little burglar alarm type thing. You know, that's a really good idea. It's like, yeah, it's effectively like a kind of little sort of little burglar alarm type thing. You know, like burglars hate getting wet. Yeah, they don't want to be they want to be drenched, do they? Because they're also that, you know, they're they're wearing like heavy woolen clothes.

Yeah, a whip bellaclava really slows the getaway. Yeah, exactly. A wet balaclava, a wet beanie. It gets so smelly. It does, yeah. It weighs you down. Your head feels heavy. And not just because of the responsibility of knocking off all the houses in the local area. Yeah, I think that's I think

I think the sprinkler is great. Is it like, what do you think about sitting out on your sitting out on your back porch with the super soaker? Is that does that feel cruel to the cat? That was going to be my suggestion. Or does that feel like a little bit of cheeky fun as well? But like there's a shooting element that makes it personal. Whereas the sprinkler is kind of like the kind of drone carpet bomb version of, you

know, where you absolve a person of pulling the trigger, but just going on what's going on. Do you know what I mean? It's a lot. It's a lot, you know, you know. Maybe there is a drone solution. Oh, hello. Just hovering above, hovering above the garden, circling around, and then you could do it

from wherever. What a sprinkler drone. Um, yeah, I guess it would have to shoot something. You can say no. You don't have to yes on that Nick. I'm just thinking of the logistics of how much water a drone, a sort of shop bought drone could hold. Maybe it could drop, it could hold a water bomb.

Oh, hello. That could be really fun. What do you drone, bro? God, I wish. I could hold a water bomb. Oh. Hello. That could be a bit fun. Do you drone? Bro. God, I wish. I wish. Oh man.

Any of you boys got a drone? No. Clarky. I would imagine Clarky might be a kind of guy who'd have a drone. I don't know why. Well, I did actually have one in my house for a few weeks, because I found one on the street.

Oh yeah. And you took a drone in. I took a drone in because I thought maybe I could put it on the the Sydney Facebook group and see if someone was trying to track one down because it was out of battery and it was just lying on the road. So I thought this is no good. But it injured its wing. Yeah, you gave him some sugar water. Yeah. Put it in a shoe box with some seeds. Called the RSPD.

What happened in the end? I broke its neck. It wasn't getting any better after a fortnight you took it out in the back garden, took a shovel to it. Shotgun to the back of the propeller. Shotgun was cruel. We've said what we think about shooting. We think it's incredibly cruel to shoot a cat with a water, but it's absolutely fine to drop a water bomb on it from a drone. Which I would say is way, way worse. But no, no, this is the morality of this particular beef. You clay droned it out of the air and rather than you pull, send out a message. Yeah. So what did you do?

What did you do at the end of the drone? I put it back where I found it it eventually in the middle of the road. Well, yeah, kind of I put it on a on like a on a thing. A car passing car. Just resided at our car. Fucking it. Because you know, you know how like a youngster with a drone is most likely going to go onto a Facebook group to find it. Could, right, if a drone could hold a water balloon, could a drone equally like a kind of like the grabber at the fun fair, pick up a cat and put it in another garden? Do you think that's a possibility where you can love it? No, we're talking.

Do you think this is like four drones? Yeah, that's I think if you need a little family of drones. But I mean, I'm not and I don't want to if it's a big enough drone. I don't want to do anything cruel to the cat. I'm literally saying put it in its in its home garden. Right. I'll grab a little grabbing claw. I love it.

Yeah. You know, I saw an action was the size of a like a small armchair. What? Like a big fuck off thing. Yeah. It was a proper like, was a real deal. Was it doing filming? It was like a filming drone. Oh, so they were getting like huge panoramic sweeps with the thing like a helicopter shot, but they can do now with like a drone. That's the size of a like, I don't know why I went for small armchair, that's what I thought when I saw it. Like a big cat? Oh like a child's armchair yeah yeah yeah. Oh good good, I'm glad we're sticking with armchair that was. Yeah yeah yeah, I don't know why.

That's what I tell her, it's not a standard size of measurement. You know when your child gets home after a long day at nursery and wants to sit there with his pipe and it slippers and read the paper, that kind of thing, cross me what size of child are we talking about the size of a sort of big drone, right? It's slightly smaller than a big drone. So it fits in the size of the armchair. That is the size of a big drone. Yeah.

I wonder if there's a solution that, uh, if you want to get more holistic with it, maybe this cat needs to be, uh, shown how to bury it's shit. And I think maybe, maybe you need to get out there in the garden. That's interesting. Cause it seems to be wanting to bury your own, bury your own shit. Bury your own shit. Yeah. I think, yeah. I mean, that's, yeah. I think if you want, like, this is the real solution.

You go and start shitting, and you become one of those weird people who like they live like an animal. You know, like, please stop calling me weird. You say you take off you take off your clothes, you stick fur all over your body, you have a little bell around your neck. And so you live with the other cats of the area. Absolutely. It's it's it's giving James Corden and cats. You're you teach him to sing. It's interesting.

Yeah. And then at night, you just fuck him. Hello. Yeah, maybe. Well, yeah, we're talking. Oh, maybe just mime it. Yeah. Yeah, OK. And once again, beef, beef, salt. Yeah, once again to end the riff, we'll say beef salt. I love our new catchphrase. Cutlery crockery general kitchen items beef from Beth. Hello, Tom bed and

Matthew. I have a juicy beef for you that has been living in my head red free the final straw was me thinking about this beef during sex Wow so I knew I needed to email it in. Does it involve spoons? Or forks? Yes. I live in a house with two friends. We're all 20 something women with jobs and lives. How many jobs though? How many jobs each? Oh, no. How many god sons? We also have three cats not relevant. Do you live as them though? Are you the cats? We've lived here since October and my beef is that cutlery stroke crockery stroke general kitchen items a Disappearing and alarming right? Okay. I bought 12 piece dinner set with me and there are only three pieces left What a 75% decrease?

Okay a month ago I know is we weirdly had only three forks, and I bought 12 more. We're now back to three again. Oh my god. I'm not proud to say I have searched my housemates rooms to no joy. I also asked outright about the missing equipment to blank faces and general denial. I don't want to be this person who is obsessed with forks. Yeah, you and me both. My biggest working theory is that housemate to let's call it a Monday is always a boyfriend's house. And I wonder if she's furnishing his house in my. Oh, it's like it's like the Shawshank Redemption when he takes little bits of stuff. Yeah, take it one fork at a time to fill her.

Fill her boyfriend's house. Maybe she's starting small and soon the sofa will be gone. Also might not be relevant, but we still get post for the old inhabitant of the house, Nora. And at Christmas we receive post from a local prison with a gift. With a gift card. Hang on. It is Shorshank.

It's really Shorshank, yeah. Do we need to change the locks? Is a cutlery loving inmate living in our loft is Nora dead and haunting us anyway please help I'm a woman on the edge beef out. Are you still having sex? I'm a woman on the edge. I've stopped sex to email this but give me five minutes I'm very close. I love that she says this might not be relevant but I'm still getting posts from someone else

yet it's not, that's not, there's no way that's connected to your forks going in this. You know, weirdly it was going to be my first question. Are you my only chance getting posts from someone else? This is a known scam. This is a known fork scam. Just send that post back, send a saber fork to it instead of a stamp that I'll do. Away you go. I am in prison and I am doing an outreach program where we turn forks into beautiful works of art. If you could send one fork to this location, that would be really helpful.

Thank you. This is a yeah, this is wild this. Because my first thought is when she said I've been through their rooms. I think you've got to get a metal detector. You've got to go deep with this. You've got to be you've got to you've got to either get either get yourself a detector style metal detector where you are going into their rooms while they're out and you're sort of checking the mattress for metal or you're getting the kind of ones they have unfortunately outside of schools

in America. Well I was going to say an airport but yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah airport exactly yeah yeah the full the full-on scanner right exactly yeah yeah yeah yeah um this is what you need because if someone is leaving back in one one sec, sorry. No, no, of course. If someone's leaving, like Tom, Tom's just realised he's actually been nicking off of Beth for months. He's just got to return. When he left, he jangled like that over his business. He picked up his coat, honestly.

It looked like one of the pearly kings and queens. It was absolutely covered. Silvery things. He's an absolute magpie. I don't know if this is related, but I live next to Tom in Exeter and he's always round. Yeah. I think you've got to get you've got to be frisking as they leave. Big hugs. Yeah.

Give me a big hug before you go. Big hugs and then a full of patting. I was going, yeah, let me just let me just hug your thighs for a second then add your shins. And if I can just hug your back pocket. Perfect. Yes, great. You know, the soles of your feet. I think what you need to be doing is, you know, when you go to the post office and they have those pins that are like chained to the desk.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I think you need to be having have all pens that are like chained to the desk. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I think you need to be having have all your cutlery chained to the everyone eats in the living room. Everyone eats around the table in full view and it's sort of like you're checking the forks in you're checking them back out like like it's like guns at a police station you need to they need to go back into the cupboard. There's a key. Maybe you all have a key and you have to turn it twice like together. Yeah. So yeah, like the nuclear codes, you could have two people.

If anyone in the house wants to use a knife or a fork, two people have got to be there present for it. Can I just say, Tom, what the fuck are you up to? What's going on? Yeah. You know, it's all well and good. Tom, what the fuck are you up to, mate? What's going on? You know, it's all well and good, so I'll be right back. And now you're doing an absolute merry dance. What are you up to in there, man? Oh, charger. My laptop's went to die, but it's not charging.

Oh, no. But, um. I don't know what to say, really. Any last bit of advice before we leave you, Tom? I thought, you can thought get tags now like tracker if you buy particularly alluring spoon I think I don't know how big are they can you get one on a spoon? I mean, I guess so, yeah. You pretty can't wash them.

You can't run them through the dishwasher. I have a set of really nice cutlery that we got from the David Mellor Cutlery Museum in Sheffield. We just went there on a tour one time, always going on tours of cutlery factories. It's named after David Mellor, is it like the disgraced British politician? Yeah, he said the spoons there. You've got to have a second career, haven't you really? Jenny taught us that. No, this is like a, he's like a famous designer.

Ah, OK. Like, I think he designed like a lot of like like traffic lights and like post boxes and stuff like he's you see his work everywhere. So is it like a red fork, an amber spoon, green knife? That's that's how you know the order, isn't it? That's how you know which order to place them in the cutlery drawer. That's how you know which one is placed them in the cutlery drawer. I bought this set of like we're in the gift shop admiring some of the cutlery and there was a really big set of like chunky cutlery and the guy who ran the tour came up behind

us and he's like, oh, I see you're admiring the minimal section. These spoons, I have them myself and I use them to eat my porridge. They're very hefty, as you can see. They're a bit too heavy to be carrying room to room, but I enjoy them. So maybe you need to, what I'm saying is, invest in a heavy spoon. Mason- Get a David Mellor minimal heavy spoon. Toby- Yeah. Mason- That can't be dressed. That's. You can once you've hit your porridge, you've actually burned all the calories it took to eat the porridge.

The idea of taking that to your room is unfair. If it's not too personal a question, how much is a David Mellor minimal spoon going to set you back? Oh, my God. They were like, I want to say like 50 pounds. Oh, how many in the sacks? I think you get like two, two of each, like two, two spoons, two knives, two forks. Whoa. Yeah. Two teaspoons. I'm looking at them now.

But I eat them every day. They look nice, man. They're really, they look really good. Honestly, like a spoon, a really good spoon can elevate the experience of eating porridge. That's such good advice, you know. A factor of 10. And are you allowed to eat with a lad's spoon? Yeah, it's not much of a chip, so. It's such good advice to splash out on a little bit, like, because it's something.

You would never think to would you? If you're cheap on your cutlery, you coat you'd using that every single day. Oh my God. I love this. Oh, here's the thing. I have, I've had a similar, I've had a similar problem in the past and, um, Megan denies it, but it was definitely taking stuff to work. We have less forks than we have anything else.

And I was like, the forks are going and I bought that cutlery set. And then she replaced the forks. She replaced some forks with some real pound shop. And then they're all a good fulcrum. Yeah, you want to get yourself over to cutlery.uk.com forward slash brands forward slash David Mella cutlery because I'm looking at it now. Use the discount code flat slam twenty. It'll cause the website to crash. Tell him Samson did send you and she's going to cost twice as much. But yeah, sure that yes, yes, they're pricey.

Yes, they're pricey, but they look good, man. You will not regret them. You will not regret that. So yeah, I don't think I don't think that's a solution for the Scalke because it sounds yeah, the solution got me. You can be more on. You can be a visiting one. Do you know what I'm doing? If I work for an advertising agency that's working for a cutlery

company? I'm doing an advert where I get a Michelin starred chef to cook fucking, I don't know, something. I haven't worked at that beer. This is good. The picture's good. I haven't seen madness, but it's a bit like that. Fuck it, there's Don Draper in there. Some words. It's like a scrappage of Mad Men and the Bear this. Some money for more. Star guy, cook a cup of a meal and you serve them with dog shit cutlery and then you get... Wait, is that cutlery made out of dog shit? No, no, no, don't worry.

Okay, right, I was going to say made out of... Just drone then. Pat can help us out there. And then some normal guy whipping up something and you serve it with David Mellor cutlery and the customer chooses because it would elevate the culinary experience. Yeah. Yeah. I'll tell you what they're going to say. They're going to say I'd say maybe watch Mad Men and then come back to us.

Thank you so much for coming in Tom. We've seen quite a lot of people today so we will get back to you eventually. I believe the words you're looking for are, just so we can end this bit, we're gonna say Beef Soft. Yeah Beth, bye really heavy cutlery, bye. Beef from the son sounding of your beep. Nick, thank you so much for coming on the pod. It's been a proper pleasure having you on. It's been really fun. What a great time.

Thanks for having me. Anytime, man. You finally stopped being grumpy in the last five minutes. Yeah, I'm going to go and hit my porridge, which is going to be a really, I'm going to eat it in a child size. I'm with a massive heavy spoon. Yeah. It's very comical to see. You can't say this, but Nick's got like a really massive right arm just because. Yeah. I'm a forerunner.

What's your excuse? Glock eyes. Yeah. Where and when can people see your Edinburgh show, show Nick if they're going up to the fringe. Oh sure it's well when I'm not hanging out my brother-in-law's beautiful flat I will be at the assembly Roxy outside at 5.45 every day doing my show yellow Power Ranger it's about the fact that I was the yellow power Ranger in the 14th series of power Rangers and it's a sort of character comedian show. I'm a comedian. Character show about that experience. Amazing. Yeah, it's great. I can attest. Thanks man. Thanks very, very good. This is the first piece of positive feedback.

That's why you pay him the small books. End of preview, Clarky checkers watch. Yeah, yeah, great work Nick. There is a last train I've got to get. This is my first time hearing about it. I'm like, wow, this does sound good. You've not been listening to those recordings I've been sending you. Oh, that's what they are. This voice note's really long. Have a great time buddy.

And can't wait to see the show. Oh, thanks very much. Thanks for having me. You're very welcome. Wallop, what's not to like? Get yourself to the fringe, check out Yellow Power Ranger, Nick Sampson, love that. Absolutely right, absolutely right.

Yes, if you enjoy what we do and if you enjoyed Nick on this pod, then get over to the Patreon, patreon.com forward slash papi's flat share where there's a whole bonus beef, a beef that we didn't solve on the main episode and you can listen to that over at the Patreon if you get there today. So yeah, get yourself over there, join the Patreon. Not only are there bonus beefs, there's a fresh new episode every single week of our other podcast,

Pappy's Flat Share Pop Round. We'd love to see you over there. It's really good fun. There's a wonderful community of listeners there and yeah, we have a great time making that and we love you to be there. And if you join up today, there's currently an offer for a seven days free trial. So a whole seven days, you have to pay any money, no obligation to buy at the end of those seven days, but a seven day free trial. So get yourself to patreon.com forward slash pappiesflatshare and see you over there. I love all this. Today's episode was produced by Emma Caution. Caution team. Cheers, everyone. Bye. Bye. Tom, I love all this as well. Here's a question for the marketers listening.

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