Pappy's Flatshare - Beef Brothers Cold Cuts w/ Rhys James S14E30

Episode Date: August 18, 2024

The Beef Brothers are here to solve your beefs with special guest Rhys JamesRhys James's website - https://rhysjames.co.uk/Rhysearch - https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/series/m000wsyqDial F For Football - https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/dial-f-for-football/id1731856306Pappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetPappy's Insta - https://www.instagram.com/pappyscomedy/Support us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareFind tickets to all our live shows here - pappyscomedy.com/liveEdited by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Greetings listener dear, I'm Tom. I'm Ben. And I am Matthew and welcome to another episode of Papi's Flat Share Beef Brothers Cold Cuts. Beef Brothers Cold Cuts, do you think you've got the nuts? I doubt it. I doubt it. Give it a listen anyway. I love it man. I really enjoyed that. Really good. That was good. Give it a listen anyway. I love it man. I really enjoyed that. Really good. That was good.

Well, I think we need to redo the theme, don't we? Do you think you've got the nuts? Well, there it is. There it is. There it is. Great guest today, Rhys James, friend of the show, I'd go so far to say. Yeah, definitely a friend of the show, friend of ours, friend of the show, soon to be someone on a podcast that you listen to. He's absolutely brilliant. And if you if to hear more from Reese, then there'll be a bonus beef

on our Patreon. So join our Patreon today to hear a bonus beef with Reese and in fact, bonus beef with all of our guests from Beef Brothers Cold Cuts. And also every single week, you get a bonus, a whole bonus episode, a whole bonus episode. Oh my God. And currently there is a seven day free trial for whenever you join, there's a seven day free trial. So you can have a listen, see what you think and hopefully stick around afterwards. I keep maintaining it should only be five days, but you will not listen. No way man.

Give them a full week. The full week. Mad. Seven days. Give them a full week. The full week. Mad. Seven days. We're going the full Craig David on it. Okay, okay. Well, enjoy it while it lasts, guys, because I'm gonna be clamping down on that pretty soon.

You ain't got the nuts, Tom. You know you ain't got the nuts. Seven day free trial. Check out the Patreon, and it gives you the chance to chuck a little bit of money our way for us to keep this enterprise afloat, which we enjoy doing. Anyway, despite my tone. So anyway, get in. We're very sincere for a second. Hey, is it worth us mentioning we've got some live dates coming up in the kind of foreseeable. We're

entering the foreseeable now, aren't we? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're entering the foreseeable. They're not on sale yet, but they will be on sale very, very soon. But just for your diary. Yeah. By which, Tom is now getting out his diary. For my diary. He doesn't have it written down. So this is where we do a little bit of admin. But on the 23rd and 24th of September, we

will be at the Phoenix and Cavendish Square. So watch this space. Normally go to pappyscomedy.com forward slash live and you can find all of our dates there. They're not on sale just yet. We're currently booking the guests. I've got two amazing guests booked. I've still to book the other two. Me and Ben.

Yes, we've got time. It's just a little spoiler. Sorry, sorry. No spoilers until we put it out there. Can I just check, do we have you Tom? As of now you do. As of mid-August, Tom is on board. Currently on board. Once I cancel a dentist appointment. Okay, so which we will do today. Anyway, Rhys James is here, you know the format, we solve your problems and have a nice time doing it. Listen in, if you've got a problem, don't call it a problem. If you've got a problem, call it a beef. If you've got a beef, maybe we can help you beef

from the zoning out your beef. Think you've got a bit of lag there, Tom, actually. A lag. It's humorous lag he's doing. He's giving us a bit of a comedy lag. Hard to tell now. Hard to tell if it is comedy lag. There's actual lag as well as comedy lag. Hard to tell now. Hard to tell if it is comedy lag. There's actual lag as well as comedy lag.

I mean, right. Parry, if you could just hold up a copy of yesterday's newspaper, that would really round home this gag. Right. Titanic sinks. Okay. Right, so- Spoiler alert. Sorry. Okay, right. Spoiler alert.

Sorry. Oh, fuck. Shit. It's very rare that a show starts with a spoiler alert, but go on. What's the spoiler alert? No, that was a Titanic sinks and I was doing a lag and it was a... Oh my god. It's too good.

I think you might want to stop with the funny lag because I think we don't know. I think there is an actual genuine lag. So until we know how much there is. Do you think so? Oh, okay. I'm here. I'm here. There's no lag. Let's go.

Let's go. It's like two Ronnies in one other one. Our catchphrase. Right. How are you, dude? I'm good. Is that real? Fucking hell.

Is that a real question? Is that a real question? That was a real question. How are you, Reece? Oh, right. Sorry. Without a doubt, the most confusing start to a podcast since, well, I spoke to David Earl, I suppose. But I'm fine. For the listener, it's not going to sound weird because we're going to start the second

Tom says, how are you, Reece? And then have an answer. Yeah. And you're going to feel like you're a complete stranger. Yeah. And you're going to feel like you're a complete stranger. Yeah. And you're going to feel like you're a complete stranger.

Yeah. And you're going to feel like you're a complete stranger. Yeah. And you're going to feel like you're's not going to sound weird because we're going to start the second Tom says, how are you, Reese? And then have an answer. Yeah. And you're going to feel like you're completely thrown by that question. That's what it sounds like to the listener. We start with a really simple straight down the middle, how are you, Reese? But is that genuinely the opening? Like, do you open podcasts with how, not necessarily

Reese, but you know, do you just go, how are you? Yeah. How are you? We start every podcast with how are not necessarily Reese, but you know, do you just go, how are you? Yeah. How are you? We start every podcast with how are you Reese? Yeah. And it works one in every 70, 80 records. I mean, it doesn't even work then. The one time it should thrive and I've scuppered it. This, yeah. So this is a dream come true guestbooking for you, I suppose.

Yeah. But I've ruined it already. Yeah. We've got Morgan Reese coming on next week though. So it will still sort of basically work. No, no chance. He won't get it. How are you? How are you by the way though?

Cause we've heard things. Absolutely fine. Yeah. I felt a bit ill, had a turmeric shot. Have you ever had one of those? Oh yeah. Spicy, spicy boy. I've had the ginger shot. Yeah. It's all moved on now, mate.

They're on to turmeric. Where do they put it? Straight into your arm or your arse or where? Yeah, it's turmeric on a drip. I like to do. No, just a little shot like a, it's a little, well it's a tiny little bottle, isn't it? Yeah. Tiny little bottle you buy for about six quid. It's all a myth. It burns your throat so you think that pain is now worse than the pain I had in my throat from the cold, et cetera. It's all perspective. Life is all perspective, guys. It's all about sort of cleaning off your nodules, isn't it?

That's what you see. You feel like whatever's going on in my throat is because I've got like, the inside of my throat is coated with something that needs to be burnt off. Right. So short of drinking like battery acid, it's like the next, you know, it's like the safe version of that, isn't it? I've just got whatever's in me is just going to be flushed out.

It's going to be flushed out completely. There was a thing in Edinburgh about 10 years ago that Greg Davis recommended to us that was marigold compound. Is that right? Marigold tincture. And it was from that apothecaries in Edinburgh where you can buy shit in brown bottles. Yeah, and you'd gargle it and then flub it out and you'd be able to see what it had brought out of you.

Oh. Oh God. And I don't think it ever made it any better. Yeah, that's how it felt. It was awful. But every year I'd go back to it because, and Greg would always give this advice with no voice whatsoever. So why are you taking voice from him? He'd be like growling from the corner of the court.

I'll tell you what you need boys. This'll sort your voice out. And it'd be like, why are you going to him for advice? I got this tip from Tom Waits. Let me tell you, it really works. And he's a famous saboteur, isn't he? You know, anyone who was in the road for the awards, he'd give them fake potion tips so that they move their voice. That's it. Yeah. That's how he got the top. He essentially spiked us in a very overt way.

On the subject of drinks though, on the subject of putting stuff into your system, I saw you this weekend, Reece, at a wedding. Correct. And you dropped a huge bombshell, which is, and I still can't process this, you've never carried three drinks at once. I won't carry three. I don't carry three drinks. What?

As a rule, I don't carry three drinks. I'll go back. I just don't do it. I don't take the risk. It's one, two or six. Yeah, yeah, yeah don't carry three drinks. I'll go back. I just don't do it. I don't take the risk. It's one, two or six. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even numbers. That's my issue. It's more of an OCD thing, to be honest, rather than dainty hands. It's Reese's way of telling you that he's lonely, Matthew. He's got no friends.

He's never had cause to carry three drinks. Or it was my way of what actually happened, Matthew, as a result is I forced your wife to carry the drink for me. Yeah, she carried your drink, which made it seem like she was your butler. She followed me. I delivered two drinks to other people, turned around and received my drink from her. So small hands, small hands or just a fan of trays? Would not carry a tray either just because of the look. Three drinks on a tray is one

of the most pathetic things I've ever seen. I think it's got to be at least six. They're a great sketchbook. Three drinks on a tray, good parody songs. But I, pints wise, it's possible. I find it is possible, but it's uncomfortable. And I just think not worth it. So I will do two runs instead. This, on this occasion, it was actually completely achievable.

And I even demonstrated, didn't I, Matthew, how it, because it was two gin and tonics in slim glasses and one pint. It was so doable. I had space, actually space in the triangle my hand was making left over and I still refused because the angle of glasses means that it tips it slightly. And I don't know if you know this about pints, they famously fill them to the top, which I actually got to say I disagree with.

Where would you like a pint to be filled to? About the halfway mark? Because in which case there is another option. There is another option. Yeah, yeah. No, but therein lies the problem because that would also be filled to about the halfway mark because in which case there is another option no but therein lies the problem because that would also be filled to the top wouldn't it but what you could ask for a half pint in a full glass that's my favorite michael cain quote i'll have half a pint in a pint glass now i think pint glasses should just be a little bit bigger and they should fill it to a pint line.

You know what I mean? I want a bit of space in the top. Why are we filling it to the top? It's the same with the... Why can't I have space at the top? So that I don't spill it. With his tiny hands. You're already carrying two glasses, man.

No other drink. What other drink do you get where they fill it absolutely to the top? If you've got a Coke, they wouldn't fill that to the top with Coke, so you have to sup on it like a cat. The cat that's got the Coke. I really agree. I think you're making a very, you're very persuasive here. I think it makes a lot of sense.

But it is embarrassing to see Reece then put his pint on the ground and kneel down and sup it like a cat. Everybody else drinking it just using their hands, but no, Reece has put his pint on the ground and kneel down and suck it like a cat. Everybody else drinking it just using their hands, but no, Reece has got his own system. And they also, cats like knock the receptacle so they can see, so the water will shake so they can see where the top of it is. Is that true? Oh. Yeah, that is true. Yeah. If a cat, if you ever notice your cat is sort of like scraping

the edge of the bowl or whatever you feed your cat water out of, it's because they're trying to make it shimmer so they can work out where to put their face. Yeah. Right. I thought it was- How do you know that? She just shits in it. That's normally if she scrapes the edge of a bowl it's normally because she shits.

Yeah, that is also, they also do that. That's what's very confusing about it is they love scraping the edge. I know that because I had a cat and my cat kept doing that on the bowl and I kept thinking that my cat was going to piss in this bowl. And so I Googled it and it was like, no, they're just trying to figure out what the water is. How do they know that though? How does Google know that? Good point.

No cat has ever been able to tell us what's going on there. It's a huge assumption on your part. That's not, but everything we know about animals is not based on a direct conversation. How's that happen then though? How's that conclusion been got to? But everything we know about animals is not based on a direct conversation. How's that happen then though? How's that conclusion been got to? Where's the proof? How's a cat communicating what's really going on? No, actually, what's really going on there is this. Tom, I love your new Joe Rogan role. What do you mean you? I've been doing it for about 10 years, mate.

Sorry, first time listening. Yeah. At last. Rogan got everything from me, man. He got his ideas from me. But listen, before we move on, do you sleep and snore at night? Because I've tried this new product. Stop me from snoring, guys. You've got to try it anyway.

Right. Turmeric eye mask, isn't it? Surely that's us just hoping that the cats are up to something smarter than they are. Cats have got a reputation for being quite clever, right? But maybe they're just tossing around, hitting the side of the ball and cat owners are like, no, this is what they're really doing. We think we're projecting. I do.

You're always projecting on cats though, because I didn't think, I think people worry about their cats. Like, is my cat bored in the house when I'm away? And the answer is no. Looking out the window isn't because, you know, like if you see a human being looking out the window for sort of 10 hours a day, they're clinically depressed. Whereas if you see a cat, that is entertainment. No, or writing as Clarkie calls it, writing. Just waiting for inspiration to hit guys still. Chasing the muse chasing the muse.

Chasing the meows. And on that bombshell shall we chat shall we? Cat GPT is that anything? That's how we know. That's how we know. It's the title of the episode now. There we go. We don't talk these episodes, Tom. You know that.

I do not know that. And I knew that as well. I knew that as well. Big fan. I'm also a first time listener, Rhys. Let's solve somebody else's beef. Tom, you've got one from your namesake, Tom. It's called a fair beef, as in an affair, not as in a fair beef. Oh, oh my.

We'll decide if it's a fair beef. Yeah, that's our job. But currently it's about an affair, right? Dear Ben, Matthew, Tom and honoured guest, a little while ago, my girlfriend and I purchased our first home, a small two bed flat in South East London. We rented out our second bedroom to two friends who were a couple. Let's call them Sarah and Andy. Now I'm imagining they're not their real names. So you could have been more creative, couldn't you? Anyway. Everyone's a critic. You're going in hard on Tom here before we even know what the beef is. Beef within a critic. You're going in hard on Tom here before we even know what the beef is. You know, but you could-

This is a beef within a beef going on. Parfolomew and Katrina, would it kill you? Do you know what I mean? Anyway, we rented out a second bedroom to two friends who were a couple becoming landlords and leeching off the proletariat. My partner had been friends with this couple going on 10 years,

and we had been traveling with them in Australia. We knew them well well is my point. They always seemed happy and easy going and we had even been to their wedding not 6 months before. However, during the summer I accidentally overheard Andy on the phone and it turned out that Sarah had kissed someone else at a party the night before. Over the course of the next few weeks more information trickled out She'd slept in the same bed with the chap Then they dry humped. Whoa, then it finally emerged the full sex had occurred

Basically it came out in drips as it so often does no Basically, it came out in drips as it so often does, no pun intended. So, you know, it was, look, I got off with someone last night and then it was like, okay, I'm sorry, I slept in the same bed with him. And it was like, okay, yes, we did dry hump. Okay, cards on the table, we did have full penetrative sex. We had wet humping as well, yeah. We don't know that. No, that's true. Just the sex.

Just full sex. Well, as long as you didn't wet hump him, then I forgive you. That's an uncrossable line, isn't it? Really? Seventh base, sick the base. Okay, okay, okay. I see your seventh base. What's you one number lower. What's sixth then? So you Tom, what's sixth as far as you're concerned? You never go beyond two bases do you, Reece, famously? Well I said sixth. Your hands are too small.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your hands are too small for the third base. At the same time I will go back for a third base. I just have to do it in two trips. The worst is when you get my wife to do third base for you. That's the worst. So during the next month, they were understandably rocky. One day they looked like they'd make it the next they didn't. With eventually Andy moving out and calling the fledgling marriage to an end. Nearly two years on, Sarah

is now sort of with the new guy, but having pursued her doggedly, he is still very hot and cold. I suspect Sarah doesn't want to end it, part because it ruined her marriage and partly because she is in a time of life where she wants to be settled. The two most romantic reasons to be with someone. Most romantic and most common as well, I'd say. My beef's a twofold. One, am I justified in being annoyed that this relationship blew up in our flat?

Two... What a twist. What a twist. No one could have expected the beef. No one could have expected that was his thing. Under my roof, I've always said my house, my rules. That felt like that sentence got auto-completed. It blew up in my F.

Did you mean... Two, should Sarah bite the bullet? No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. greeted her, blew up in my F. Did you mean? Two, should Sarah bite the bullet and ditch the guy? Tom. Well, I can tell you what, I enjoyed the hell out of the ending of that. I mean, I enjoyed all of it. It's a great beef.

You know what? It's a strong beef. So this is a landlord issue mainly. Yeah. This is about ten this is a landlord issue mainly. Yeah. This is about tenancy agreement has been breached. Yeah. I'll tell you one thing. Back in my university days, Parry, you'll remember this. I lived in a house that had a weird little sort of

breeze block garage attached to it. Do you remember that? Yeah. And I had my drum kit set up in the breeze block garage that was sort of attached to it and it was sort of, it was curtained off. And one time we threw a student party and a couple, I'm not going to give their names, I'll call them Katrina and Bartholomew. They disappeared behind a curtain during the party and they had sex and they told me about it

a day later. They said, oh, by the way, hope you don't mind. We had sex on your drum kit. They had sex on your drum kit in your house. And I was livid because obviously it was my university days. I was yet to have sex in that house. I've been at university for two years. I was livid because obviously it was my university days. I was yet to have sex in that house. I've been at university for two years. I was like, you were in my house for 20 minutes and you managed to get it on. Unbelievable. So I sort of know the idea of that. However, it wasn't happening in your house, was it Tom? It wasn't actually happening in, it was just that she was lit, you know, the relationship broke down. Or maybe that's his issue. Maybe his issue is, you know, why doesn't actually happening in, it was just that she was lit, you know, the relationship broke down.

Or maybe that's his issue. Maybe his issue is, you know, why doesn't my house get to see any action? You're wet humping down the road. But I don't care where you get your appetite as long as you eat at home. Yeah. Did you ask about the logistics of that sex on the kit? Yeah. No, I was too busy vomiting in a bush.

And so was he. I was really upset by it. I was really upset by it. The high hat's a bit stuck. Why am I dragging? This is not my tempo. Not quite my tempo. So, I mean, I get, I do get where he's coming from because you accept them as a package, a happily married package and you kind of go, great. You don't sign up for the drama. It's mental to assume that's going to be fine. Call me romantic. Yeah. A happily married package as if, come on, we've seen the stats on marriage.

Yeah, but six months in. Come on. You got to think. Yeah. You think you're going to get six good months out of it. You're in the honeymoon period. Aren't you? Yeah.

You're not even in a sort of, yeah, you can't even get, there's not a release clause in the contract within six months. You've got to go at least a year. Like never taking, oh, they've been married seven years. So we start never do that. Yeah, yeah. Because you know, then it's, that's, it's coming down the line, but like six months in, you kind of think, oh, this will be fine for two years. Tom, how long have you been married for, by the way? Not seven years.

No, no, you've got a couple of good years ahead of you. Yeah, okay. Okay, don't think I hadn't thought that through. Not reached seventh base yet. So, I do get that. I do get that because obviously if you take in a couple who've just been going out for a few months, then you have to factor in, oh, we might have to listen to some rouses, some ups and downs, some makeup sex, yada yada. You kind of factor that in when you're living with a couple. But a newly married couple, you'd like to think you're on calm waters for a while. Yeah.

So I do understand it. I understand you being annoyed. I know it's not about you, this really, but you have been affected by it. Yeah. Also, why does she, like, she kind of gets to stay? Right. So she waits. Yeah. So he's kind of left. He's like the victim. He's left despite, yeah, she's gone out and cheated on him. But he moved out because he wanted to. I don't think that was like, they didn't get to choose. Tom didn't say Sarah can stay. It was just, you know, there was eight or nine weeks of memories in those walls.

He just couldn't handle it. There was, there was, there was, there was nearly three months worth of times. Yeah, I don't know. I think, look, every time I've friends of mine who are couples have lived together, it's been an absolute disaster. It just, you can't do double couples in the same flat. It's never worked in history. Yeah. A double date is hard enough, let alone. Exactly. Yeah. Unless you've got a bowling alley in your your house you need something that's going to break up that conversation unless you live in a frankie and benny's you don't live in a frankie and benny's finally there's two pseudonyms i can get on board

with come on it's better than sarah and andy yeah come on it was staring us in the face all along how would you have reacted though if you read that and it said let's call them frankie and benny have reacted though, if you read that and it said, let's call them Frankie and Benny. Listeners from now on, if you are going to use pseudonyms for a couple, it has to be Frankie and Benny else we won't read it out. Or at least some sort of restaurant chain, you know, there could be five guys involved. You never know. It could be Pappa and John. Oh no, as the information drips out it gets worse. Yes, we, okay, we dry humped.

Okay, no, it was full sex. Okay, there was five guys involved. Rhys, what do you think? Do you think our friend Tom is justified though in being annoyed that the relationship blew up in his flat? Is that something you can accept? Tom is justified though in being annoyed that the relationship blew up in his flat. Is that something you can accept? Look, yeah, but I can accept the annoyance.

I don't accept that it was ever a good decision to allow a couple to live in your flat. So he's to blame. So I am going to victim blame here actually. I understand that you three are going to be a bit more defensive because this is one of your precious listeners, but I don't give a fuck about your precious listeners. You are a first-time listener, aren't you? I don't need them coming back for me. So, Tom, I think you've had a shocker. You shouldn't have accepted a couple to live in your flat as your lodgers. And also, you know, you said you were being a landlord in this moment, so I'm obviously going to be anti you straight away.

You said you were being a landlord in this moment, so I'm obviously going to be anti you straight away. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Instantly I'm like, ah, yeah, whatever. You probably charged him double. Can we just have a quick debate around what's going on currently though with Sarah? Because this is the bit that kind of I'm trying to get my head around. Yeah, Sarah also to be fair sounds like a nightmare.

Two years on, Sarah's sort of with the new guy, but having pursued her doggedly, he's still very hot and cold. So what's happening there? He liked that it was sorted, I reckon, this guy. He loved the thrill of the chase, yeah. He's a lotter and he's a rotter. This guy wants to wet hump secretly, not when it's just allowed. He wants legal wet humping, loses its appeal, doesn't it?

Oh my god. Well, let's not say what he's doing isn't illegal, I don't think. But I know what you mean. The sort of thing, he prefers the clandestine. You haven't seen how he wet humps, mate. I don't want to. There was, he did actually send me a little short quick time video, but I'm not hoping. But yeah, I think you're right. He is just one of those sort of like, he's just one of those classic philanderers who loves it when it's not quite kosher, but as soon as it becomes boring and mundane

and like a job, he's not into it anymore. Yeah. Once he's seven years in. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it. I get it, I get it. The famous seven year parry itch. So this guy, yeah, this guy's clearly a dirty dog. He's a man about town.

And what we've heard is that Sarah is in a position where she wants to settle down. Yeah. Again, for the second time. She's a former dirty dog. Exactly, but she's just at that stage in her life. It said, didn't it? There's those beautiful vows. I'm at that stage of my life where I want to settle down. I do. And you did ruin my marriage. So let's do this.

Yeah. So yeah, now you have to do it out of a sense of guilt and duty. I think. Come on. It's all too bleak, isn't it? You got to evict Sarah and you got to move on. It's very rare that you make a story less bleak by evicting someone. This is getting too bleak. Can we evict Sarah, please? Yeah, that's it. Exactly. The happy ending is... Can we make someone homeless? The reader, I evicted her. And we lived happily ever after. Maybe sell, I think sell the flat.

I mean, arguably the flat's cursed. So I think in this stage, you're looking for a quick sale. Quick sale, start again, find a new couple. Because they're still not married. They're still not married. Tom and his partner are girlfriends, so they've purchased their home. It's their first home together though. So they're living in sin and you think that sending Sarah

is like an avenging angel basically. This is God's wrath. Yes. Unless you can make it legal in the eyes of the Lord, then I'm afraid you're gonna keep on being cursed, basically, Tom. This is step one, this is locusts. Exactly.

Just beware. Yeah. You don't wanna get to the plague of wet humping. That's the worst one. The hardest. Yeah. Well,'t want to get to the plague of wet humping. That's the worst one. Yeah. Well, wait for drought. The worst night coming Kent, isn't it? The plague of wet humping. Or the best one. Depends on whereabouts. Depends on where you are in life.

Yeah. Depends on how burnt you are by people fucking in your breeze block drum room. Yeah, yeah. Depends on how burnt you are by people fucking in your breeze block drum room. Yeah, the club's full of drum kits. I know what goes on here. Everyone's keeping a very good rhythm. I want to know who fucked on the drum kit because I will have known them, I think. It was David and Rachel. Okay, okay. Oh, come on, mate. You could have come up with better names than that. David and Rachel.

Worst restaurant ever. Yeah, just two Italian American chefs come to mind, I'm afraid. Sorry, it was Mario and Luigi. Anyway, any final advice for Tom to help him get over all of this? We've said to Sarah, not only break up but also lead the flat. Any advice for Tom? We've got to evict her and then evict yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Purple bricks.

I don't know if we should give any more. My advice would be purple bricks. Quicker sale. Get on purple bricks. Get estate agents out of the way. And yeah, move on. Start again. Absolutely. A fresh start. Beef solved. This is called Beef Seasoning from Steph. Hello, Matthew, Tom and Ben and esteemed guest, Rhys James. Lucky guess. I know my partner will be listening and after a couple of years listening to the podcast, I finally need your help. I will preface this by saying that we are both naturally very messy people and I fully

acknowledge this fully in capitals. Recently, I decided I would buy a spice rack that has uniform spice dispensers to make life a little easier. My partner has given good feedback. This is unbelievably formal. On Amazon? Yeah, the versus. He's giving good written feedback. I've just been for my two year appraisal and he's giving me good feedback on the spice rack. The spice rack idea is fantastic. You've got to pick up some slack in the dry humping department. Good feedback, but the problem is that he puts the spice dispensers back in with the label facing the inside of the rack,

meaning you can't see what is in the jar. I asked him to try and put the jars back the right way round and he said, capital letters, no! What? So, right, this is a man who's given good feedback previously. So he's changed his tune. I love the idea, I'll be fucked if I'm going to use it properly. Yeah, saying, this is absolutely fantastic. Oh, do you mind just... No!

No. I said that I like it as it is. He said he knows he will forget, so he won't do it. Oh, god. I asked him to at least try, but he insists that he knows himself well enough. So this guy, fully self-actualized, FYI, he's been through all the seven stages of Buddhism to get here and he knows who he is. So he won't put the spices back the right way around. So he knows enough by now that he won't ever do it. Is this a man who has

fully realized his limitations and is being honest with both me and himself or is this a ridiculous excuse? Thank you, Steph. Thank you, Steph. I mean, sometimes I tell you, we get two types of messages, right? We get kind of ones that are a little bit complex and need a bit of solving and then we get ones from women. They are always just, he's a fuck up, he's annoying. He's being an absolute idiot. He's just being a bellend, yeah. Yeah. Steph, you know it, we know it, beef solved.

No, I find that sort of, you know, we've talked about weaponized incompetence in the past, but I find that- That's in our personal meetings of how we're going to move forward as a group. If anything, a better name for this podcast. It's just an arms race for us guys. But I find that sort of thing of going like if somebody says to you, could you please try? And he says, no, that's bad news. Could you just try? No. And he says it in capital letters with an exclamation mark and says,

yeah, I know I'll forget that. So I won't even try. Are they in a relationship, these two? I believe so. Yeah, partner, yeah. Unless they're business partners. My recommendation is get to a party, do a bit of kissing and see where it leads.

That's all I'm gonna say. Get yourself in the Breezeblock drum room guys. Find someone who will at least try to wet hump you. Yeah. How long have you been married for Tom? By the way. I know a flat that's about to have a room available if you are looking to move. And they sound pretty organized in there. They will try if you want new spices the right way around.

I can't visualize this, by the way, this spice rack just before we move on. It's a spice rack that, sorry, like it controls the amount of spice that you use each time. Did I hear that right? No, you didn't stop. You misheard that completely. That's a cat feeder, isn't it? That's an electronic cat feeder again. You have to tap the side of the spice so you know where the top of it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What does it say? It only releases it if you're wearing a chip. If you've got a chip in your neck.

Computer, one turmeric shot please. And it fires it straight into your chest like Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction is just boom straight in. It's an adrenaline shot to the heart. No, I don't know where you got that from. What bit did I hear about the spice rack that I thought had a bit of an edge to it? It's got uniform spice dispensers. So basically the idea is that you keep accruing all these spice jars, you know, they're all different sizes and shapes. Right. This has got jars that are all the same size. You write on the outside, this is termed, this is, you know, Garry's starter or whatever.

Like the shelf in Sainsbury's, I imagine. They're all the same branding. So it's... Exactly. There you go. I thought I heard uniform spice dispenser and thought, oh, you know, it dispenses a uniform amount with the push of a button or the turn of a handle. And I was like, I was really into that so much that I stopped listening to the rest of the beef cart on the table. I was trying to visualise it and I was like, this is great. Maybe I should get one of these. And so I missed all the details to be honest. Get yourself to the gadget shop, Tom. That's a fantastic idea.

Yeah. And I could dragons den it because you just think... The way I was picturing it is you take the top off, you screw it into the rack and where you screw it into the rack depends on how much you would need of a thing and each one's got a handle. It's pretty good actually. Tom, I know this is you, but why do all of your ideas start with, I take my top off? There's no need for it. You've got a gorgeous torso. You've got to get the dragon's attention when you go into the den.

To show your full chest tattoo of Theopothetus, that's the main reason. Listen, I walk it like I talk it. I'm committed. I call it Theopophatus. One thing I'm slightly confused about there, Tom, and I do really want to before I officially say I'm out. OK. What are you if, say, the where is the dispenser? Is it in like attached to the inside of a cupboard door?

It clips, it clips onto the wall. Right. So you take it off. Out what you dispensing it into you holding. So you take it off. So you dispense it out, what are you dispensing it into? You holding up what you're cooking up to dispenser. Think about when you want spices. Yeah. You normally want to bring the spice to the thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's onto the- Yeah, but don't you have like a little spice bowl that you- Excuse me? Second best nightclub in Kent. Second best nightclub. Second best nightclub. Don't you have a little spice bowl that you like stick your spices into before you put it into the pan?

That you keep by the side of the bed? Just when you're trying to save your marriage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've been married for six years. You need a little summing summing. A turmeric shot, if you will. Yeah, but in my spice bowl, the side of the bed, not everything's the same size.

No. That's the other thing as well. You don't necessarily, you know, like if it's half a teaspoonful. Yeah. What do you do? You just tie it to the side of the machine. Yeah, why would you want uniform amounts?

You never want uniform amounts of spice dispensary because you would not want the same amount of everything in a dish. I didn't want uniform amounts of spice dispensary until I heard that sentence. And then it turns out I do. Because I've been working out for a while. If one turn of the handle is half a teaspoon, for example, it's already too complicated. Although I will say this.

There's something in it. For someone like Reese who famously can't take two pots to the tiny hands Rhys, the spice bowl actually, you do it all in the cupboard. So one bowl, yeah, so maybe actually that would work. In pubs actually, if I'm getting three drinks I should just say, just pour them all into this bowl and then get three straws and head over to the group. Yeah, you picked up the idea in Magaluf and you just run with it.

Worst cocktail bowl ever. Yeah, red wine, a pint of John Smith's tap water. What about though? Right, here's the idea, Tom. Yes, it's got, it's a fixed station somewhere in your kitchen, but you've got like a hose pipe that you attach to the bottom of it. Spice pipe. You've got a spice pipe. In fact, if you want, it could be a spice pipe all the way from the bedroom down to the kitchen and you use it, you know, like, so you use it like a hose

where you turn it on, you put one turn of the handle for one teaspoon and the teaspoon comes all the way down the hose pipe and into the pot. How's that? Yeah, I think we're close, mate. I think we're close. I think we're definitely close. This is actually, it's actually becoming the plot for June currently. Are we cutting Steph in on this idea, do you think? I think we have to. I think we must.

What about Steph's partner, given he did in some ways inspire this with his weaponized incompetence? Do you know what, to serve him right, he's getting no more than half a teaspoon of our business. a teaspoon of our business. Can I just say, I don't really want a percentage of this, so you're welcome to give that away. I think you're going to get in more trouble. I think it's going to cost you all a fortune in time, cash and reputation.

None of which we have. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. We haven't got any of the Holy Trinity. Any of those things. All we've got is this giant vat of Garam masala. That's all we've got, guys. Well, Steph, yeah, dub the guy, beef solved. All right. Well, there is another solution.

Can I offer another solution? You shouldn't have to do this, Steph. You shouldn beef solved. All right. Well, there is another solution. Can I offer another solution? You shouldn't have to do this, Steph. You shouldn't have to do this. But could you just label both sides of the thing? Oh, that's gorgeous. And then it doesn't matter which way it goes in. The old double, get some extra labels.

Yeah. Just label both sides. In fact, thinking about it, spices when you buy them in the little pots should not have backs. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The pot shouldn't have a back. An open back jar. spices when you buy them in the little pots should not have backs. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Pot shouldn't have a back. I want an open back jar. I'm just going to fall. Surely. You go, is this Basil? Whoa. Can a cylinder have a back anyway? I mean, this is not the right word, is it?

What I mean is the label shouldn't have a back. It should go all the way around saying it over and over again. Yeah. So you can never put it in the wrong way around. The ingredients is the name on the front. It's got one ingredient. Everything's got one ingredient. Unless it's Chinese five spice, unless it's like, you know, like

barbecue, paprika mix or something. Then like, then it's one of those. But even then, that's enough information. Yeah. That's enough. Isn't it? You know, just go paprika and salt and pepper. Just do it all the way around over and over again.

Yeah. But you, but then isn't that going to exacerbate the situation? Aren't we just creating more monsters by going, oh, I'll help with your, you know, well, there's a good example, actually, a can of monster, same shape, but it says monster all the way around. So you could never put it in the wrong way around. It's a good call. So in actual fact, just a monster with monster. Just add monster instead.

Enough spice in that. A monster pipe. Monster pipe would work a lot better. I mean, monster pipe was my nickname. It fucking was it, Tom. Beef solved. Beef solved. Beef solved.

It's more talk beef from Alex. Hello, friends. Longtime listener, first time contributor. Oh, welcome. Lovely to have you. I have a small talk related beef. I live in the first floor flat with my full time girlfriend and our full time dog. Congratulations. We don't have a garden, but are right next to some woods that we visit several times a day so the dog can go make good boy outside. I also leave the house for other reasons. I might go, for instance, running or to the shops.

I'm a free man. It's a lovely old building with what I might grandly refer to as a bridge leading to the front door. On the bridge, however, lurks the beef. grandly referred to as a bridge leading to the front door on the bridge, however, looks the beef. He lives below us is perfectly friendly. He likes the dog. We never had any issues apart from when a minor plumbing mishap led to us flushing raw brown, raw brown down his wall. But he's like like my god, that's absolutely horrific

But let's move on from it because I don't think we want to talk about anymore, but The spy it's the spice pipe grommet. Yeah, it's gone wrong My plumbing this up that spoke of like that spoke about the upstairs flat. Oh, that was a bit of a minor So what I what under the bridge? But he smokes by the front door between three to 75 times a day. On a typical day, we have a brief word. The first few times I pass him, usually weather related textbook stuff, he might come in on the dog or if I've got my running shoes on or something like you offer a run. If you've got bags, you've been shopping, etc, etc. All pretty textbook stuff. He's really good at these bite-sized passing chats, but I am not. I always try to prepare

something in advance or some funny response, but invariably fluff my lines and cringe on the way up the stairs. By the fifth or sixth meeting of the day, we just nod at each other. Or I end up peeping to make sure the coast is clear. I don't want to be a peeper in my own home. Also, the smoke comes into our bedroom. If the windows are open, that's bad. I need suggestions on how to either improve my small talk abilities or if not too ambitious, try to relocate him to the bench which is 20 meters down

the road. Well, that's not happening. Well, unless you unlock the brown pipe again. Slough him down the road. It seems my beef evolved as I type, but feel free to pick the bones out of it. Lots of love, Alex. Oh, thanks Alex. Okay. I relate to it. I've got big neighbor issues in every direction.

Oh really? What's going on? Yeah. So on the right side of my house, it out, run a daycare in their garden. Oh, okay. So it's just constant screaming of children and me. Yeah. That's extremely noisy.

Not fans of yours from Mock the Week. It's when the screaming stops. Yeah, that is not ideal. Also, there is the sort of father figure, I've got no idea what's going on there, the situation's mad. He doesn't speak much English, but he's always out the front smoking as well. And he tries to make small talk with me, but in extremely broken English. And often it will just be something like, for example, during the Euros, I would get home, he would flick a cigarette, look at me and go, football. And I would have to go, yes, yes, absolutely. That does sound like me during the Euros as well.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Football, question mark. But then he'll, you can sort of tell what he's getting at from the noises he then makes, which is either like, oh, or, so you know, if he's going like bad performance, good result, whatever. And then I sort of do the same noises back, but that's not ideal. And then on above, obviously it's classic upstairs neighbors where, you know, they do what sounds like break dancing from 3am till 5am every day. On the other side, we've got an Italian Deliveroo collective where they're either all Deliveroo drivers or they're obsessed with the merch and they're just big fans.

Don't know, don't know. But they play quite aggressive Italian hip hop at all times in the speaker they've installed in the garden. Oh, what? Yeah. And one day I was going to go around and say something and then I, it was, I remember it because the lyrics were going, Tridiri mai, Tridiri mai over and over again. And so I Googled that phrase and it means if you ever betray me, I thought I might leave, might leave it. Head ends up in a square delivery. Place a delivery order instead.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. Just get them out of the house. That's not ideal at all. So I get it. Very frustrating. I don't have a solution because I'm still in this problem. So actually I joined the beef. I joined the beef and I wait for answers. What, what, uh, Reese is saying, Alex is it could be worse. You could be living where he lives. Yeah. I mean, is it too late now, Alex, to pretend that you only have a basic grasp of, uh, of English and you could start communicating in just big

declarative words, like noises. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like noises, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shopping? Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got some bad stuff today, interesting.

Yeah, is that, I mean, I think, I think firstly, I'll say, don't pre-plan your small talk. No. Don't try and come up with something, you know, a conversation, it shouldn't feel like, it shouldn't feel like you're going through a script. It shouldn't even really feel like improv. It should just feel like you're having a conversation, basically. So I think that as soon as you start going, what do I need to say?

What should I say? You're not, the secret to being a good communicator is being a good listener. I'm constantly telling people. I was going to say, we're back in our off air meetings again, aren't we? Bloody hell. No, no, no. Shut up a second, Tom. Shut up a second, Ben. Listen, the secret is being a good listener. Okay? Now, let me talk for another 45 minutes uninterrupted, if that's all right. So, I think it is just, and also don't assume that small talk has to be Sparkling or funny it has to be perfunctory

So if he says you've been shopping you can say yeah The shops are really busy or yeah, it was pretty quiet today or yeah had to get a few items That's that cut that is perfectly Passable like you know as you as you're moving and not stopping small talk. It doesn't need to be... It's perpetual motion, isn't it? Exactly. That's it as well.

The crucial thing is keep it, keep it moving, both verbally and physically. Just keep it moving. And what would help? Maybe get a skateboard because then it's going to be quicker. How are you having a small talk with someone skateboarding away from you? I see. I'd like to see it. I tell you what, even better, get a trampoline and open. If you've got your open window anyway,

if the smoke can go in, so can you. Get yourself a trampoline. There's no way he's making small talk if you're catapulting yourself through the air into your window. He'll be impressed. You'll get cooed off for it. Surely, isn't there something rather than reducing, like building, developing? Because if you can develop some kind of catch phrase system, some kind of call and response, something that's a bit more of a game. If you can gamify this stuff, then actually, you know, through five or six interactions a day, you can build something, a bit of, I don't know, like, you know, word association or call and response or, you know, when I say this, you say that kind of elements. Exactly. And then so, so then actually you're building on it

and it's becoming something more enjoyable rather than avoiding the contact. That would be my, that's my first suggestion. I like, do you want to, do you want to, do you want to, do you want to play out this scenario and try and get a catchphrase off the ground? Yeah. Okay. Okay. When I say shopping, you say fuck all. When I say monster, you say pipe. Let's hear it. I'm interested in hearing this. Okay. Go and run in. Well, you know what they say, the early bird catches the...

Well, you know what they say, the early bird catches the... See you later. And as you catch, Ray, see you later. See you later, it's not bad. See you later. And then every morning, obviously, once you've got through the worm stage, you'll be like, come on, then we did worm yesterday. What does the early bird catch today? And it's like, and then there'll be something else. And then he's thinking, oh, this is exciting.

I don't know. And then you're building on that. I do actually think it worked. I nearly got swept up in it, but you know, I'm more of a no but kind of improv. Well, yeah, cigarette but. You were leaning heavily on the mime in the fag. It really helped you there. And that comes to my second point, cigarette butt, you were leaning heavily on the mime of the fag, it really

helped you there. And that comes to my second point, which is, and this will be helpful for you as well, Rhys, surely the root of all this is if you can stop this man smoking, not only will you be doing good for yourself, you will also be doing good for him. Yeah, or make him smoke more so that he, you know. That is the third way. Yes. But like, is there a way that, no, I haven't worked out the right way to do it without seeming like you're intruding on his lifestyle. But if as a concerned friend, you can lead this man to, you know, quitting his smoking habit.

I've got an idea. I've got an idea of how you do it. Yeah, go on. If you do sort of what you were doing early to, you know, quitting his smoking habit. I've got an idea. I've got an idea of how you do it. Yeah, go on. If you do sort of what you were doing, early bird catches the call and response thing and you combine it with like overt friendliness, including, you know, the old, like the occasional punch on the arm or the slap on the sort of arm

or the shoulder, all you got to do is get a nicotine patch in your hand when you do that. Anyway, have a good one buddy. Slap on the shoulder. He won't notice. Off you go. That is it. Here you go.

So you're just spiking in with little nicotine patches every time. Every day. Getting more nicotine in his system, that'll help. Yeah. I don't know if that's going to work because he's still crucially got a cigarette in his hand. So he's probably,

what's probably going to happen is he's going to pass out. So you'll just see him lying there. Problem solved. Oh, sorry. I don't think he says, have you been to the shops if he's unconscious? And then that maybe that's what gets him to the bench. Someone lies him down on the bench. What about combining Tom's idea and saying, like, you know what they say? The early smoker catches emphysema.

Yeah, then it's, you know, just sort of get it,sema. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, so implant a Nicorette patch on his arm and the idea in his head and he'll be fine. Have we got any ideas about how to get him onto this bench that's 20 meters away? I was thinking maybe trampolines. Three billy goats gruff. And you know why they're so gruff? It's because they smoke too much. You should think about that. Have you tried marigold tincture? I was reading three billy goats gruff recently to my kids and up until the ending, the moral's really ambiguous ambiguous because like the the the the Billy Goats graph, basically they they get stopped by the troll and they say, oh, don't eat me, eat my brother. It's like what you're supposed to be. By the way, if that if that hadn't worked for the middle troll of the middle goat even

that would have been a disaster, wouldn't it? If he got away, here comes the brother before he got a child. He's been munched by a troll. away, here comes the brother before he got... Wait, no, don't eat the earth... He's been munched by a troll. Also, just send the big troll first. If the big goat is big enough to knock the troll into the water, then just send him first. Yeah, or triple team him. Well, whatever it takes to do that. Briggs is back to the unsavory party. This could be another option though. I think this raises a good idea. This could be another option for whoever. What's the name of the person with this beef?

Alex. Benny. Is it Benny? It's Frankie. Sorry. Yeah, for Frankie or Benny. If you go really deep into something sort of a bit niche, like Billy Goat's Gruff analysis, instead of small talk, this guy might leave you alone.

If you suddenly start going, so I was reading this last night and then you go really into something. What you're saying is if you can be as boring as Matthew was. I'm very happy to come round and chat to this guy myself. Got plenty of time off when I'm not podcast. I'm happy to do a one man podcast for him. Ask me about my kids. Um, well, beef solved. Beef solved. Yeah. Well, Rhys, we've got to ask you because we asked you at the top of the show, but just to see if the answer's changed.

How are you? I feel a lot better actually. Yeah. Now that I've imagined a future in which, you know, I don't need to go and spend four quid on a turmeric shot. I can just pipe it directly into my mouth. One spoonfulful. Just straightly into the gullet.

Now I feel fantastic. The future is bright. Yeah. Bright turmeric yellow. Yeah. And so are all my shits. Yeah. And if you want to see more shits shit from Reese, where can people find you? Where

can people follow you? What are you? You've got a few new shows at the moment, haven't you? Yeah. Listen to research on BBC sounds and that's it. There are other ones. There's your podcast. There's other ones. Ah, that's dead. No future in podcasting, boys. It's over. Didn't you do a podcast about all about football? Oh yeah, listen to Die Left for Football. Yeah, listen to that as well.

You only made it a couple of months ago. I was like, bloody hell, he's cooled off on this project pretty quick. That's like a scripted thing. It's over. I can't be arsed with that. Can't be arsed to do anymore. It had an ending. It's done. Catch him while he can still be arsed.

Great tour title. I listened to that podcast and it was just you saying football? And then those noises. Yeah. Yeah, it's good though. You really get what I, you, there's subtext. You really understand the subtext in the noises. Yeah. Well, Reece, it's been an absolute pleasure having you on the show.

See you very soon. Thanks for having me. Oh, two, oh, wait. One, two, three. Three, two, seven, two. Wow. Well, folks, there it is. If you've got the nuts.

Well, I guess you know now whether or not you had the nuts to listen to. Wow, there it was. Well, folks, there it is. If you've got the nuts, well, I guess you know now whether or not you had the nuts to listen to that. Do follow Reece, do listen to his shows. He's always fantastic. And don't forget to get over to the Patreon where in fact there's a whole bonus beef. We actually solve a beef again from the main feed.

We found out another solution from the main feed. We found out another solution. We will do that. From the main feed. So, get yourself over to patreon.com forward slash papi's flat share. And of course, if you would like to be on the show yourself, if you like your beef to be read out, we would love to hear from you. It is of course. I thought you meant if you want to be a guest on the show, I thought you were going to say, if you want to be a guest yourself, then become a comedian and maybe we'll book you. It's genuinely where my brain went. Become a comedian, respond to my DMs. That's basically all it is.

That's all it is. Be available, because of the way we book this, be available the next day. Be ready to receive a message at about half past 12, the day of the show, because I've suddenly gone, oh yeah, we're recording one today and I've forgotten to put a guest. And Matthew is talking to me and Ben here as well, don't worry. Please, Christian, be available on the day we record it. But yes, if you'd like to have your beef read out on the podcast, then it's beefbrotherspodcastatgmail.com. That email

again, beefbrotherspodcast.gmail.com. Do get in touch, do send us your beefs today. As always happens over the summer months, I guess because the weather gets nicer, people get a bit more chilled out. We get fewer contributions. So yeah, send us some of your summer beefs. We would love to hear from you. And of course, it doesn't have to be a work-related beef.

It can be a free range beef as well. It can be a beef from the workplace. It can be a beef from your local shop, from your local, you know, dropping your kids off at school. We've had nursery drop-off beefs. All of that kind of thing is very, very welcome. Beefbrotherspodcasts.gmail.com. Get in touch today. Toby So it has got to be local though. We cannot stress that enough. Jason No, no, no. It hasn't got to be local. At this stage Tom, honestly, I fuck, you know, we literally did the last one in this episode, so we need four before in two weeks time. Okay.

Yeah, it doesn't have to be local. Give me something you've overheard, something you saw on the news, I don't give a fuck. It doesn't even have to be a beef. Just get in touch please. We'll take anything at this point. Oh, and by the way, if you've sent us one already and we haven't done it, don't resend that one because I'm ready. So that's the other thing as well. I know I hate to be rude, but we do get people going, oh, I see you've did another call out for beef, sir. Just going to stick this back at the top of your inbox. No, no, no, mate. That got deleted seconds after I read it. Don't you worry about that. Don't you worry about that. No, it's usually just because we've

done it before or because it's terribly boring. The main reason is terribly boring. No, let's come at it. Yeah, but we'll probably still use it. Okay. So anyway, we've said it all. And today's episode of us produced by Emma Corsham. Of course, Corsham team. Of course, cheers everybody. Of course, bye. Of course.