Pappy's Flatshare - Beef Brothers Cold Cuts w/ Sarah Keyworth S9E20

Episode Date: August 12, 2019

The Beef Brothers are here to sort out your beef with special guest Sarah KeyworthSarah Keyworth - https://twitter.com/sarahkcomedyPappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetIf you have a flatshare based beef you'd like us to solve then send it to [e-mail] us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareProduced by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman plotting her course to free them. Pat in love for her. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Four things.

It's like theaters December 15th. Greetings, listener dear. Tizzas, puppies, I'm Tom. I'm Ben. And I'm Matthew. Rolling around on the floor of your earring and now covered in wax and spouting for... Oh, no one expected that new drink.

A rock opera. It was really good. It was good, yeah. So this is Beef Brothers Cold Cuts where we try and solve your flat-share-based beefs. Always an absolute treat. It's always a treat. And this episode is one of my absolute favorites

we've done in a long time. But that's because you loathed all the others. I didn't want to say it out loud. But so far, this has not been a pleasurable experience. You've had a torrid time. I've not really enjoyed podcasting with you since 2011. But finally, it's time to come into a show. It's a wee shame.

But it's a true shame. Never a true shame. You're a true shame podcast. Is going from strength to strength. Yeah, me and John Robbins. People love true shame. They love true shame stories. In fact, there's got a lot of shame in this podcast.

Oh, this podcast has levels. It's got proper levels on levels. Yeah, we deal with some really. Yeah, we do know. We deal with some really... Yeah, yeah. We do know. We deal with some really exciting beefs in this. Now, if you have a beef, because we've got a few of them in,

but we'd love to have some more. We love it when you send your beefs in. Chuck us a few more beefs, mate. If you have a beef, could you please send them to be brotherspodcastsatgmail.com. Yes. If you can't find us through that,

you can always get us through Twitter or you can come along to one of the live shows. Or send them to the PO box. Always chuckle into the PO box. You can walk to our PO box and slot a bit of beef in there. Have you? Please, be honest. Please, be honest. Just be honest, okay. The two rules, be honest.

Front names only. That's all we ask. Those are the two rules. But be honest, guys. We've got a fantastic guest for this episode. One of the best. Really, really fantastic. She's absolutely brilliant.

It's Sarah Keyworth. If you've not gone to see her do comedy, you really should. Her show in Edinburgh last year was absolutely phenomenal. And she's doing another one this year. Yes. But if you ever see her on a bill in your local comedy club, get down because she is absolutely brilliant.

And by get down, I mean, do a little bit of break dancing. Yes, please. Right, well, let's get not steep into I mean, do a little bit of break dancing. Yes, please. Right, well, let's get not steep into this beef, shall we? Let's do it. Have a good one. Well, if you've got a problem, I'm calling a problem, because you've got a problem, call a beef.

If you've got a beef, maybe we can help you be from the sorting out your beef. Right, let's get cracking. Into the beef, should we go? Into the beef, should we go? What an expression. Beep and beef. Need. Into the beefs we go. Into the beefs we go. What an expression. Deep in beefs. Deep in beefs.

And so, it's like a horrible lesbian porn film. I think you're an item at that joke. Well, we'd like to... And you can't join in. I can't join in. No, I just clammed up there. And we're leading up. Yeah.

So, we'd like to welcome our guest, Sarah Keyworth. Thank you so much for coming along. Thanks for having me. It's a total pleasure. It's a pleasure. Are you a decent flatmate? Are you a nice kind of flatmate person? I like to think I'm a nice flatmate.

I live in a flat with my girlfriend and two other people. Oh. Are they also a couple? No. A. E. E. E. and two other people. Oh! Are they also a couple? No. So it's four women, two of them are single and then two are one is me and the other is my girlfriend. How do you split the rent? Good, that's a great question for Barkey's the big one because he'd like to move in. Is it a three bedroom?

Yeah, I'm not the numbers guy, I have to say. Right. But I know that we pay more than the others for our one room. Right, but you don't pay, presumably you don't. But we are split down the middle because there's two of us. Sure, you don't pay more each. No, yeah. You pay more collectively.

Collectively. So you actually pay less? Yeah, as individuals. Yeah, that's the only person we're still together. That's the right way, that's the way. She hates my guts. No, we definitely pay more for the one room that we have. Also, we have the biggest room, so we don't have any.

No, not on suite. One bathroom, which is probably the cause of the most conflict of any shared house. For most of the bathroom. For people. Yeah, yeah. A lot of care. I live with very long-haired women. All people. Yeah, yeah. A lot of hair. I live with very long-haired women.

I'll write that to you. Yeah. Do you bathroom together as a couple? What me and Catherine? Yeah. Only to clean teeth. That's sweet. That's actually that's an interesting question actually.

Yeah. That's quite a big part of a of a of a burgeoning relationship, isn't it? What staged you bathroom to go? Let various guards down. Brushing teeth, I think, is acceptable. Jane and I are in an apartment with a big old B-Day next to the toilet.

A big old B-Day. And we've gotten into the habit of sitting in front of each other. No, sitting next to each other and weing next to each other. Not weing into the B-Day. We we in the B-Day. We in the B-Day. The B-Day. I actually don't know why that's gross,

because the B-Day is exclusively used to wash bombs and I'm like, oh absolutely not. Tiny flakes of shit is fine, but you're in absolutely not. Oh yeah. Like no one uses the B-Day. I've genuinely had nightmares where I've been forced to go to the toilet in the same room as other people. Really?

I'll never. I'll never. Catherine and I, we inferno each other and, and number two. Never in the toilet. But poo's are used as threats. So if somebody's like, so like if I'm clearly like,

or if I'm using the loo and she's cleaning her teeth and I need her to leave, I'll be like, I'll do it. I will do this in front of you. And then she's like, no, but then she runs out of the room. So it's palomoon. The immediate dirty protest I'll do it. I will do this in front of you. And then she's like, no, but then she runs out the room. So it's pala move. The immediate dirty protest. I like it. My wife and I were married. Sorry, it's wedding season of the year. It's a very excited. But my wife and I, we've married now for six years,

so the year is unnecessary, but we're still very happy. We haven't been great to have. I know, I keep nagging out about this. Why have I got it? But Charlie and I, we got to a stage, very... We got to a stage very quickly in... When we were in Holiday in Berlin, where sort of all bets were off a little bit. We haven't made a habit of this since, but we went out, got really, really drunk. I came in to the hotel and went into the bathroom to, you know, sit down.

And she bust, she bust open the door because she wanted to be sick. And obviously I was sat on the toilet so she just grabbed a bin and sort of vomited into the bin in front of me. And we thought, well, that's a real bridge we've crossed there. Yeah, you crossed the line. I'm sitting on the toilet shitting while you're throwing up in the front of me across the bridge. Two bridges at the same time. The double bridge, yeah.

I think throwing up in front of people is, that's quite an early bridge. Instead of wailing universities, they should have those as milestones. Yeah. So instead of like, you know, bronze silver gold paper, whatever it is, just have like bin is one of them.

Yeah. You can even use it. You can even use the Olympics, not on them. Yeah. You can even take it. You can even pick spot, not on aversaries. You can bronze silver gold. Oh. It's our feces on aversaries. You have a gold winning anniversary, no? You do, yeah, yeah.

Do you have a bronze wedding anniversary? Who knows. No, you definitely have a silver and then you have like paper and... Paper and laser. Yeah, you've got the laser. Should we get cracking with the first beef? Because we've promised to be knee deep in beef. I know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So far we haven't even dipped that out. We've hardly touched a beef so far. Beef is warm and we're ready. OK. Serent, let's start us off. OK, so this is from somebody called Robin. Hi Robin.

Hello. Hello, Lily. And it says, the nature of the problem slash beef. My neighbors are complaining that my cat goes into their garden and looks at their rabbit. Apparently this is causing the rabbit distress. How do you quantify that? I have no idea. They have asked me to tell him to stop. And in brackets it says how

It's a very very good question How do you tell a can to not look at a rabbit? Like it's hard to know whether that's what they mean or whether they they want her to ask the rabbit to stop being in distress I'll come over and do a little bit of counseling for that could happen. Yeah, sure get over it nibbles I I think if you picture that rabbit, you'd be scared, wouldn't you? That cat's giving you evil. Giving you evil.

It's got to be evil. There's no way a cat's looking nicely at a rabbit. Well, I used to have guinea pigs in my parents' house when I was a teenager. And the local cats would come in and take a look at them and scout them out. And my guinea pigs would stare back, because they had the confidence of having the cage and so they would stand out in the lawn and stare back, which is a real psychom move.

Yeah, you're going to come at me? Well, I'm crazy, man. I'm a local. Dead man, she's in them. Did you instill that attitude into your guinea pigs? I did coach them. Yeah, I was like, I can see you do that. If somebody comes at you and they're bigger than you, you stare them down.

That's what I said to my guinea pigs. I noticed you haven't stopped staring down Tom. Yeah, I did. I mean, chill out. It's a friendly body car, right? I'm employing the techniques that I instilled in cinnamon and toffee when I was 12 years old. We had a very awkward lift ride up from the foyer. Yeah we did. Keyworth just thigh-borne in me all the way up, just giving you the right old stink eye.

I can't, I don't like it. So let's get back to Robin's beef. Yes, because, sorry, Robin. Have we established Robin whether or not she is after the cat to be chatted to or the rabbit? I think the neighbours want her to have a word with her cat. Yeah, it's got to be a snake. It's got to be the cat.

They don't know the rabbit, how they go. But I actually think we were on something right at the get-go. Why don't they cut out this chat that's gone between these humans? Sure. Why don't they get the cat and the rabbit like slowly used to each other? Bring the rabbit around for a cup of tea,

have the cat in the room, everyone's holding each other. In fact, maybe actually, if you know, you know it was out of each other. I think that's a good idea. So you slowly acclimatize the rabbit to the cat. These guys could be friends. But how do we know the staring is, there might not be an amosti, it might be admiration.

We've all had a weird neighbor that's it. Do you think the cat looks up to the rabbit? It could be pure lust. Yeah, it could be lust. It could be pure. We've all had a weird neighbor that said that. Do you think the cat looks up to the rabbit? It could be pure lust. It could be lust. It could be a... Maybe that's what it's like. Yeah, that would distress the rabbit. And into species relationship.

Or maybe not? I wonder the rabbit's freaking out. It's like a girl next door situation. It's exactly like the cat's a teenage boy. Exactly. The rabbit is an older woman. The crush is purely a... Purely in terms of geography, They're just close to each other.

So, hang on, is the rabbit distressed or aroused? I think the rabbit is thinking, have I still got it in me for one more fling? I don't know how the rabbit's thinking, holy shit, that cat's gonna try and fuck me. The rabbit might not be into this. I have absolutely no idea how that would work. Either way, I'm going round robbers with a camcorder. Whatever's going to happen, whether it's a rabbit, rabbit shaking hands with a cat,

or a cat shacking a rabbit, either way. It's gone on you've been framed. I want to see it. I absolutely want to see it. We could make on you could. It's 250 pounds, man. Is it still 250 pounds? That's weird, isn't it?

It's not gone up at all with inflation. Shouldn't have gone up, yeah, it should have been. Yeah, but surely there, I feel as with inflation. Shouldn't have gone up. Yeah, surely there I felt as though the viewing figures have probably you know gone down to end all send us in your J pegs with that. No, I think they'd be able to return or the M pegs wouldn't they? There we go I dropped it to us. Yeah It's turned on on my phone. I could see it on my phone. Why can't you see it on your phone? That's my every experience of air drop, it's something to somebody.

I've had the first, I air dropped for the first time last week, and I felt nothing. Really? Well, the thing is, you always think you feel nothing, then 45 minutes later it kicks in really high. Yeah. Don't double air drop, what I'm saying. Right.

I'm really weird. Robin, if you can send us footage of the stair. That's what I think we need to say. We need to analyze the stair. But her question is, how do I tell my cat to stop? Because the thing with cat's is, you know, with dogs, there are ways of disciplining them. They say you can sort of squirt them in the face with their little super-soaker.

That's one way you can do that, or you can... Yeah, have you not heard about this? I know, it about this? If a dog is badly behaved they can kind of learn out they can sort of unlearn bad behavior. It has to be a supersoaker there. It has to be a supersoaker there. It has to be a supersoaker there. It has to be a supersoaker there. It has to be a supersoaker there. It has to be a supersoaker there. It has to be a supersoaker there. It has to be a supersoaker there. It has to be a supersoaker there. It has to be a supersoaker there. It has to be a supersoaker there.

It has to be a supersoaker there. It has to be a supersoaker there. It has to be a supersoaker there. It has to be a supersoaker there. It has to be a supersoaker there. It has to be a supersoaker there. It has to be a supersoaker there. It has to be a supersoaker there. It has to be a supersoaker there. It has to be a supersoaker there. It has to be a supersoaker there. It has to be a supersoaker there. It has to be a supersoaker there. It has to be a supersoaker there. It has to be a supersoaker there. It has to be a supersoaker there. It has to be a supersoaker there. It has to be a supersoaker there. It has to be a supersoaker there. It has to be a supersoaker there. It has to be a supersoaker there. It has to be a supersoaker there. It has to be a supersoaker there. It has to be a supersoaker there. It has to be I've done really well to get their brand on dog just The only responder waterfights You've also thrown aerobic as well I still think you need

I could have to get rid of all my nerf guns Alright, a water pistol Wow Yeah, but I don't think Kat's responding quite the same way Because like my Kat Cosmo Love you Cosmo My Kat Cosmo Just Cosmo, listen.

Well, she stares. She doesn't strike me to the kind that'd be into this. No, she stares. She stares, yeah, yeah. She stares at a rabbit. She stares, that's a good question. She's never said at a rabbit, but then they're not lived. Well, I've not lived.

There are not a lot of rabbits around. I tell you what you should do is bring Cosmo around to stare at their cat and be like, how do you like it better than that? Do you know what, that's an excellent idea, Clarky, because Cosmo looks kind of perennally disappointed. Yeah. they're at their cat and be like, how do you like a bit of that? Do you know what, that's an excellent idea, Clarky, because cost-mobiles it. Looks kind of perennally disappointed. Yeah.

So the cat will look over and be like, oh, I'm sorry, yeah. I'm being a bit of a pro now how it feels. I was trying to fuck that up a bit. I'm being a prize perv. I'm being a prize perv, actually, yeah. Maybe there's something in that. We get a bigger-el animal.

Bigger than the cat. Like kind of, old lady, you swallowed the fly kind of scenario. Absolutely. We get like, I don't know, a sheep. It's come along. Yeah. It's going to go with dog, but sheep's, sheep's good. Is it? How about a sheep dog?

A packer. A sheep dog is called a boy, yeah. A compromise, sheep dog. Okay. We get a sheep along, stay out of the cat. See how the cat likes it. Yeah. Then the alpaca comes along to... And then we get one of those guinea pigs for the rabbit stare up.

Both my guinea pigs are dead. Oh. Oh my god, I'm way too wide now. It's good to know you've got over it. We get one of those guinea pigs for the rabbit stare up. Both my guinea pigs are dead. Oh. Oh my god, I'm way too far now. It's good to know you've got over it. Were they killed by a cat? They died on a really suspicious circumstances. Right, okay, we'll go.

Robin, we're pausing your beef for a moment. We'll come back. No, we're not intended. We're going to... Porsy your beef. Favid? Yeah. Sure. Yeah. You're right. You're right. I was going to sweat then your breath. Five eight. Yeah sure yeah. You're right. You're right.

I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right. I was right there. I think we all did. There's a real rift in your group. Yeah.

I was like, I've never mentioned a cow. Yeah. If one of us, if one of us forgets how to do puns, I'm afraid. That's it. You're out of the office. There's no second chances. You fail the pun.'s no second chances. You've failed the first. Certainly no second skills.

So let's talk us through these mysterious circumstances. So I'm taking my hoodie off for this. History. So we get it big. And they lived for a long time. We had them for, I think, eight or nine years. Because of the hard street attitude that you still have. They were really tough.

But one point they got out there escaped, they came back. Like they went down the shops. It was crazy. They got out from the... I brother and I were in so much... So upset about it. And they just turned up at the end of the day. Like it was...

It was that day. It was really weird. The doorbell went... Yeah, the doorbell went. And they went, hey, sorry about that. They've been down the pictures, one's still on the other shoulders. So they're ready to take.

Got served in the pub. Half a log of please. Haven't seen you for our toffee. You're busy, you've been working. They were girls. And? We don't know how they speak. Yeah, that's the thing.

Also, I'm guessing from the area, I believe, we've got the accents either. They were there, not in a maximum. Not in a maximum. Yeah, of course, yeah. And then they were, they got on very well. They used to play tag with each other in their little run. So it was all, you know, very friendly.

I'll follow you. But they had a two-story hutch. Oh, nice. I'm not sure. Yeah, that he, very friendly. I'll follow, surely. But they had a two-story hodge. Oh, nice. Yeah, he's doing all right. Do you have to be in cinnamon at doing all, okay? Oh, I talk to you. I talk to you. New money.

Yeah, yeah. We can't afford a two-story house. Someone maybe did say that the story goes. Oh, yeah. And then... Did they know who lived upstairs, who lived downstairs? Well, they lived together. They shared it.

They shared a room. Did they go to the bathroom in front of each other? And what was the rent as well? Were they split a little 50-50 on the rent? This is actually bizarrely topical for this show. This is too. Sorry. Because all I'm saying is watch your back. Yeah, watch your back. It made me see like I was threatening Sarah there. Sarah, my apologies. What I meant was watch out because someone's on what I say.

Someone might murder you. Anyway, let's... Always good to keep the one warning up. Always, yeah, if you're old. If you're old, catchphrase. Always be on the alert. That's how I end my gigs. Guys, watch your backs.

Watch your backs because someone might murder you. I've met you cross me, you've been absolutely lovely. Good. It's not a bad message. It's not a bad message. It's not a bad message. Okay, so friends for years. Yeah, I don't know if there were anything more, who's to say? They kept, they were quite private people, probably getting people to do that. But then, they were facing it, they kept themselves themselves.

Yeah, yeah, they were, they got on well,. They seemed happy and then eight or nine years in I'm working up Early in the morning by my brother my old brother and he says I'm really sorry Cinnamon is dead and Cinnamon had been found At the bottom of the stairs. Oh no And toffee was stood at the top. This is the staircase!

This is just like the staircase! This is unbelievable! So you could staircase with a big pigs. They were having a drink in the front guard and the like before. Possibly an owl came past. She went to bed. He supposedly finished his drink and followed her in. Yeah, and then found her there. And then called the police.

Call the police. And an hour later. But then only a mere few weeks later, Tuffy was found in the same place. Oh, no, sir. At the bottom of the stairs. So you think the guilt got to Tuffy? And so I think it was a murderous suicide situation.

I do not thought I'd look at that. Oh, my goodness. Wow, he's extraordinary. And if you thought the atmosphere was tense after the hugs, imagine what it's like to be the four of us sat in this room having heard that tale of absolute wine. It's awful, isn't it? Toffee pushed cinnamon. I think so. And then Toffee threw herself to her.

That's through herself down the stairs. She couldn't live with the guilt. You should write this. This should be a play. It should be. It really should. But the dialogue would exclusively be... That's a good thing. Thank you. I've... Go on. Can you pick? Let's go around circle.

Okay, let's go around. That was awful. That was awful. It was closer to pig. That was a guinea pig reversing. Oh dear. That's the owl. That's a guinea pig. That's the owl. When we're retelling, when we're doing the reenactment, I'll be the owl. We should make a guinea pig version of the staircase, though.

I think it'd be absolutely fascinating. Someone will commission that. Somebody comes in. An expert guinea pig comes in to do the blood splatter reports. I love it. I think this is what we should, oh, by the way. Anyway, that's why. It quick just through it out there quick quick can we have that again please no could you

remember can we repeat that noise here in the edit place and then a swolly whistle I did it in a panic but it turned out sort of better than I was expecting. You don't want to go back in case it's not. I don't want to go back. Do you know what a childhood film? Absolutely. Will my impression still hold up?

Or will it be, what's, what's, what's, what's, what's, that's a good question. What are the things you've watched and then been disappointed by? Flight of the Navigator. Oh no! Don't tell me if I loved Flight of the Navigator when I was a little kid. I hear it's a stinker. I never really watched it in the first place. I haven't seen it. So good.

Don't go there. No, I'll go back. Did anyone else see Darryl? Yeah, he used to cry my eyes out, Darryl. Was Darryl written as an acronym? Yeah. Data and robotic, I've heard it's a shocker, so I've not come back.

Right. War games. War games. Let's go on. Anyway. I was not come back. Right. War games. War games. Let's go on. Anyway. I was almost famous the other day. That has not aged well. No.

Well, it's quite problematic. Yeah. Well, here's the thing about this, that whole era. Like, they were all basically like, you know, all my favourite bands from the 1970s. We're all basically dating 14-year-olds. Yeah. And it was sort of, that was the cool thing about them. Nobody had to be conscious for you to make out with them. Exactly, yeah.

It was different times. Almost conscious. I wish we could. Almost consenting. Yeah, that's a shame. Yeah. Was that one of your childhood movies then? No.

Oh, right. But I just, I really watched. it wasn't something I was as an eight-year-old would stick on. Oh, almost famous on a game. I want to hit fever dog. Oh, what a waste of time where he definitely sleeps with all those women. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'm not sure if he can sense to that either. No, they sort of just leap on top of him, don't they? Yeah, they're like,? Yeah, let's have sex with the virgin. Deflour the virgin. And he's like, oh no, no, no, no, okay, fine.

Yeah, I mean, well, let's not get down. Yeah, let's not get down. Let's talk to you guys. Let's not get down. Let's just keep it hooked. Just put off feet back in the beast. Yes, absolutely. So, and let's not forget.

So anyway, beef's all over the table. Thank you, Clarkie. We do need to get this. We do need to get this back on track. I can't help but imagine this as the scene in silence and lambs where it's Clarice and Hannibal Lecter kind of facing off either side of the glass. So you think that the cast has to be imagined

Have like the sort of muzzle thing and be in one of those things that you you know, like Yeah, although I suppose it's the other way around the project the rabbit in that scenario Just eyeball in the cat is in the cage. Yeah as the cat nervously tries to Interview them. Yeah, but no, no, no, no, no, the rabbit the rabbit is nervous. The rabbit's in stress. It's intimidating. Yeah, but the rabbit is the one locked up in the snoreer. Oh, I see. The cat has its free time. So actually, the analogy doesn't work that well.

That's what we just asked. Well, we still don't know who's intimidating. We don't know who's intimidating. Or if it even is intimidation. And there, well, there we go. But as we were saying, so the, you think some so you think some sort of time together might be the plan. I think that's the progressive way forward. Okay.

Rather than having to go at the cat, that's kind of what they're advocating. Have a word with the cat. Tell them no. Yeah, but you've like cast don't give a fuck today. They're not. Cats are listening. My limited experience with cats is that they honestly couldn't give a damn what you told them to do. It's true. There's no way that can.

If you sell a cat to stop looking at the rabbit, it's just going to look at the rabbit more. I found out recently that cats know their names. I read an article about this. They know their own names more often than not, but choose often to ignore you saying their names. I thought you were going to say their own names, but they just never tell you them. LAUGHTER Ah, that idiot keeps calling me tickles. It's not my fault. LAUGHTER

It's Susan. You can ask I won't tell. I think we have to work on the rabbit here. Okay. We need to kind of stop the rabbit from being distressed. Here's another angle. What if the cat is trying to figure out a way to free the rabbit? And they're gonna it's like it's like a sort of Disney type thing hop on my back and off we go. Yeah

Is that a Disney film hop on my back and off we go? I Don't rewatch it hop on your back and here we go. What happens in hop on my back and here we go? Well, it's not the rescuers. Basically, yeah, right. The rescuers. That's what I was thinking of, the rescuers. Is it in the rescuers when they get on the back of the bird and fly? In a little sardine tin, and they sing the song.

And they fly past a new lady. Yeah. What? Did you know that? It didn't learn that. I've got a watch on it. It's a subliminal stuff that they throw into these films. They're always doing that. Did you ever pause the Lion King so that the leaves spell sex? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It spells SFX actually.

I know, sad, isn't it? Or at least that's what they... Oh, no, sex! I remember that. So sex in the Disney film? I remember rusting that at your house. Yeah. Pause the video. Sorry. We did not have SF that at your house. Yeah. Poor thing. Poor thing.

We did not have SFX at my house. There was nothing special about him. It was just FX. It was just FX to me. It was just FX to me. It didn't mean a thing. Maybe you're right, Clark. Maybe we've got a cat that wants to take this rabbit to see the great wide world.

I don't... I don't... Harry is not going to... The thing that's happened ever since we started this beef is that we're all... trying to roll out the fact that that poor rabbit is shitting itself because like that rabbit is looking down the other guy. And this fucking cat is giving it all of the eyeballs and that rabbit is, look, we've been told distressed. Yeah, you know what? You keep saying things like, this is actually, this podcast itself is problematic because we're refusing to listen.

This isn't going to wait as well. We're victim blazing. This podcast is not going to age well. No, this people are saying about five years time, don't listen back to all of you. I'd say five minutes. I'd say five minutes time time we're all cancelled. Because we've basically said-

It's about time. I bet actually the rabbit really fads his account. All four when you apply those terms to him, Harry. Thank you for being the sole voice of reason. It's rare, but I think it's true. It's true. Let's assume, let's believe in his suit. I can't just help in the rabbit.

It's just a bit of fun. Can't do anything anymore. It's just a casual, dry look. Can I look? Not a crime in look at this, then? The girl with the builders hat on. What? Darling.

Smile. Lovely walk with some kind of cool. Lovely and stuff. It's thought crimes. It's thought crimes. It's thought crimes Yeah, so let's us we have to believe the rabbit We're going to be very good. We're probably half an hour into the podcast and finally we've really finally we believe in the rabbit Fine, okay fine. All right, sure. Let's let's assume this rabbit is distressed, all right? Okay, so basically we're looking at disciplining the cat knife which is as we've discussed that's difficult

It's very tricky. So maybe the real reason how did you get a cat to listen to you? Well? Here's the thing. Oh, we are and this is this is classic. This is something my mom used to do So it's probably to a minute and away based in any kind of fact But she used to put two-lea bottles of water on the edges of the garden, and said that for some reason scares off cats. It's supposed to stop animals shitting in your garden, isn't it? Yeah, if you put two litres. A big bottle of like, seven up, but filled with water.

Yeah, on its side. Seven up, I've done well, getting to that. No, it's on the outside. Seven up. Seven up,, get into that. No, it's on the... Oh, so seven of them... Seven of them have got the sponsorship deal, have they, for controlling hands? Well, they've done the super cycle trick. Very good. Why do I not? Why can't I think of a drink that people drink in 2019? Who drink a seven-up now? Even it is still seven. Yeah, it's still exist. It's still exist. Who's having a seven-up though? Out of choice. I can't.

It's a success. He was having a seven up though, out of choice. I can't. LAUGHTER Fido, Fido, Dido. Laptop bit of Fido, Dido. He was a good mascot. Strange. What?

Did you remember Fido, Dido? The mascot for a seven up. I feel like we might be a few generations of... Oh my gosh. This is a podcast now. Now it's old. Old men describe Fido, Dido. LAUGHTER Every episode. I get a podcast now. Now it's old man. Describe, why don't I go? Yeah, every episode.

I get a new young woman in it. This is a toy, right? Do you believe me? You don't believe me. You love dick. Do you remember flicking flat from the swatch watches? Here we go, now we're talking. Now we're talking.

I feel like I need to put like an SOS. What? Tell my mom I love it. Please, please. So we're believing the rabbit. That's all I need to put like an SOS. I'm telling my mom I love her. So we're believing the rabbit. That's all we need to. I wish that I believe the rabbit. Okay, and we don't deal with the rabbit. Just we nibbles.

Exactly. We don't deal with the rabbit. We deal purely with the cause. We educate our cats. The pause. Second time like a... Two for two. No producer, I'm just talking about what we're all about. I'm not saying. No.

No. We work out a way, so maybe... Well, I think maybe we say try the Robin, try the bottle of water on the lawn. You have to give it to your neighbor, obviously. Put it on the lawn in front of to give it to your neighbor, obviously. Put it on the lawn in front of the VISTA. Or get yourself a superso, car. Sit, you know, sit, lie and wait.

Cause now we put your own cat. Maybe it's time for the cat to be a house cat. It's like in a neighbor. Hello, hello. Hello, here we go. Maybe it's time for that cat to be a house cat. No, maybe he should lose his roaming privilege. I love how we've jendered the cat now.

He's definitely a bloke. Yeah, he's definitely, yeah. Why don't you buy a plastic rabbit? Oh. That you have in the house. That's good idea. I like the way both of us are on board before we even know what the idea is.

Already buy a plastic rabbit. Oh, so this is good. Buy a plastic rabbit, oh, this is good. By a plastic rabbit, have it in the house. I'm just thinking I'm gonna get that. Cat can fill its boots. I'm gonna put my hands. Home alone it. Yeah.

I don't wanna get to like sex robot type. Yeah, I was listening to it. That's where we're going. Yeah. You fly to Japan. And I know you believe this model of it. They honestly do. The rabbits are so really.

Honestly, they're just like real rabbits. So the idea is, I mean, I'm not gonna have, I'm not gonna have, The robots are so really. It's like real rabbits. So the idea is, I've got a better idea for this. Here we go. You buy a very small mask for the rabbit of a dog's face. I think we would get closer and I think you'd come further away. Okay, so we can get into kinky territory. Is that a kinky? Is that the only one? got a, is that a Kinky, is that Tony?

Oh yeah, that's a Kink thing, isn't it? Dressing up as the dog. Oh, like the furries. Yeah, dressing a rabbit up as a dog. Just going to have to the dog says, that is, that is, you know, it's pure. That's right. Okay, Harry, do you want to take a short break?

It's absolutely terrifying. Anyway, fight oh, die there. Look, that's my safe word. You got the cat stood there with the rabbit on a leash. Talks mascot. Walking in a gay pride march. You're my bitch now. Yeah, it could happen.

So, is that the answer? Have we solved it? Have we said, you're welcome, Robin. It's good beef. We won't be hearing from her again. It's a really good beef. Do we want to stick with one idea or just say, Robin, try it. I think I think.

Try a selection of the above. Yeah, I think. They're all great ideas. There's no bad idea. I'm not talking about it. There's no bad idea. It's my mark. If you go, you can kind of pair it back.

So I think you start with the two- litre bottle of water in their garden. If that doesn't work, maybe house cat. No, two litre, I think I've got it. It's a two litre bottle of water with a rabbit's, plastic rabbit's head on the top of it. So it's the body of a bottle of water and a rabbit's head on the top, a bit like from Donnie Darko. It's important, yeah. I know Perry is actually drawing this as he speaks. As always, we'll put that out as a... We'll put that on the Instagram, a bit like from Donnie Darko. Oh, I don't know. The parry is actually drawing this as he speaks.

As always, we'll put that out as a... We'll put that on the Instagram, sure. And it looks pretty horrific, and it's like a Donnie Darko thing. Yeah. And then, therefore, the cat is going to be weaned off the idea of rabbits. And pretty soon, the cat will be scared of the rabbit, and then the rabbit will know... The hierarchy will change. Yeah.

And then we're bringing about a better world where rabbits have the edge over cats. So basically you're saying make a plastic rabbit that looks scary enough that he's going to associate with all rabbits in the future. Yeah. It's not a bad idea. Moral of the story. I can't wait for this. Fuck the cat triarchy. Yeah! Meef's out of you! You've passed the pun test! Yes!

Oh, good! You're welcome to be here to remember a puppy. You can tell I don't pun often because I was physically shaking with excitement. That was... Was that your first ever pun? Please type in. The only corporate interactive will not help your career. shaking with excitement. That was, was that your first ever pun? Please don't think. What's my best? Finally corporate interact, it will not help your career.

It's not gonna come to any end. I can't wear a frit. I can't wear a frit. I can't wear a frit. I can't wear a frit. I can't wear a frit. I can't wear a frit. I can't wear a frit.

I can't wear a frit. I can't wear a frit. I can't wear a frit. I can't wear a frit. I can't wear a frit. I can't wear a frit. I can't wear a frit. I can't wear a frit.

I can't wear a frit. I can't wear a frit. I can't wear a frit. I can't wear a frit. I can planting her course to freedom. At a lot more. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Poor things. It's like theaters, December 15. ACAS powers the world's best podcast. Here's a show that we recommend. Hi, I'm David Boros, Canadian historian and host of Curious Canadian History, a bi-weekly

deep dive into the wild, worrisome, and wonderful world of Canadian history. This season we've covered not season Alberta, the Palestinian partition, and even the assassination of Abraham Lincoln. We also have eight seasons worth of back episodes all right there for your listening pleasure. Check out new episodes of curious Canadian history every other Tuesday wherever you get your podcast. Hey, Cast helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com. Nathan writes Nathan writes Nathan a mini essay front names only Nathan Nathan has probably authored this beef

All I'll whip through it front name zone. This is the vagina of names I have a beef I'm a university bracket Oxford didn't need to say it Nathan Nathan that's hard. He also He's a centeness coming up, which is pure Oxford. And he writes a lovely little coder at the end to say how much he's in during the podcast. So Nathan, we love you so much. But, Simon Lear, you're going to take the piss out of you. Nathan is already in the wrong environment. Hello, my brothers, I have a beef. I'm at University of Bracket, Oxford.

And this year, Bracket's 2018-19, I have moved into a house with four other guys, Bracket's Toby, Grant, Charlie and Tim. I'm going to take a beer. I'm going to take a beer. Nathan is already in the wrong environment. Hello, my brothers, I have a beef. I'm at university, Brackett's Oxford. And this year, Brackett's 2018-19, I have moved into a house with four other guys, Brackett's Toby, Grant, Charlie, and Tim. Oh!

Guys, close brackets. He loves his parentheses, isn't he? Everyone is lovely, we all get along. When we were in the house together, there was no animosity. Being Oxford though, everyone has their individual quirks. That's the center I was thinking. Listen, it's university.

People are not to think, oh, we're being very oxfiddy. You're being very unii. Everyone tries to reinvent themselves. Or you've just been a person. Everyone's got their quirks. No, no, no, no. Special Nathan, don't forget that when you graduate. You are nothing.

Yeah. You'll find that out the hard way. Why I chose never to graduate. So perennial student, Clarke, so many quirks. Yeah, that's it. So many quirks. So much Clarkie, so many quirks. Yeah, that's it. So many quirks. So much to learn, so many quirks.

Strapping for the quirks, this reads like a sitcom pitch. Tim likes insects, Charlie Knits. Ben is addicted to gambling and Tony only owns purple things. Can we stop that? Sorry, I'm one of them. One of them is a problem. Yeah. I don't know, Quirk. Sorry, it's been okay. One of them is a problem. I don't know quite. Oh, he's ruining his life. There's a guy with purple cord. What trousers on? Yeah, okay, not him for a second. And this guy's crying.

He's already ridden his student loan on the cricket world cup. He's still going to take for five pounds. So back to Toby Perp. Purple Sox, T-shirts, books, bags, boots, do, they, pillow. Do you think Toby's prince? I think Prince has faked his own death to go and study Oxford. He thinks his own death is. Paisley Park is now alive and well in Oxford. You'll be pleased when Toby does eat different colours.

He doesn't just stick to the beetroot. You know, to be honest, Nathan, we're not that bothered about Toby. We can go for a while, man. Let's see how it falls. Okay. The beef was reared by a state of our house, oh sorry, by the state of our house. Our landlord, Noreen, brackets a woman,

but that's insignificant. Close brackets. Why I mentioned it then mate. Why I mentioned it Nathan. What's I think we could have told that by the name Noreen? Yeah, and I was going to be like, oh, the bloke Noreen. I think he's got a real quirk.

He's a woman. A woman, but that's insignificant. It's so rude. Yeah, a woman's so she easy. Is that what it's saying? A landlord norin has not stayed on top of the property and there have been issues with the house. The shower became blocked two months into our tendency

and it took a landlord two weeks to answer the phone and then two further weeks to get it sorted. That's four weeks without a shower. Noreen. Four weeks bathing. He says, he's involved. But I have to bathe. I was forced to bathe by Noreen, this woman. Noreen is just on bathing. She's there with a loufer scrubbing my back. Or that if there are objects that are just in my back. Or if there are all sorts of things.

Just fix the shower, Nori, please. Can I just say as well, by the way, Nathan, one of the things you need to do as a student is learn how to use a plunger. I mean, that's it. If that's what you, if it's that that's, you know, if things are broken and busted, just learn how to use it.

It's a, you know, in your house, a parry, you had your shower held up by Gaffer tape, didn't you? Yeah, I Gaffer tape that by myself. Yeah, yeah, and you know what, inspirational. When my shower broke, I Gaffer tape my shower as well. And yes, okay, fair enough. It's not exactly solving the problem, but we're out in, we're sharing.

Out in late May, we were sharing, sharing every day. My shower isn't broken, but I've still put Gaffer tape on. So you just thought it was the trend? Yeah. It's cool, man. It's cool, man. I should stress this was when we were at university.

I had it. Oh, as I say, never been. So yeah, just live in my life. Well, that's certainly the Bluetooth technique. It's not efficient time wise or clean wise. Bay thing isn't efficient, clean wise. I think it's fine to bathe. Nathan's just lobbed that out as think it's fine to bathe.

Nathan's just lobbed that out as if it's fact. So living in his famous brackets. When the guy came to him, block the show, he withdrew long black hairs from the drain. We all have short hair. Do you know how long black hair? Norin. Bloody women.

Or women and long hair. There were holes in the living room. We reckon slugs came through the hole. There are slug trails in the living room. We have not yet seen a slug in the flesh, but they are there. Could be snails. This one's the kicker. Oh, that's very true.

Snails. Not really solving the problem, but it's just throwing an extra opinion in there. What, why is he starting to talk about slugs? That's complete change of topic. These are, he's got a big list of problems. It's just his laundry list of complaints he's got with Noreen. This guy's, oh, hello, this one's big though.

This one's the kicker and he describes it as such. This one's the kicker. Our toilet is on an eternal flush. Always flushing. It's like a waterfall. I haven't seen my own poo in six months. I mean, that's not a problem, is it? Yeah, it's not like I missed my own. You're too quiet about that, mate. The stop-cocks just down to the bottom to say. Yeah, just lift it up, mate. Open it up.

You guys, you Oxford boys in your ivory towers, you need to get on YouTube, learn about plungers and stop-cocks. I'll put a lot of sister in and have a look, mate. Have a little. Put the sister in on trial. So, this all got a bit much for Toby. He couldn't stand the conditions. Which one's Toby? What's his name? Toby's purple Toby.

The purple Toby. It's all got a bit much for Toby. He couldn't stand the conditions. I love your time. Which one's Toby? Purple Toby. The slugs that came in, they weren't purple. And he was got got about it.

What kind of purple are we talking about? It's like a deep purple or a... He just says, purple things, purple socks, trousers, t-shirts, books, bags, boots, doo, vacay, everything. So Toby is having a breakdown. Well, no, this is what you've got to think about these guys is. It sounds like they're in their first year, right? And you've got us try and find something to like, yeah, you've got to have an

angle. I'm the purple. But you're all desperate to do something. I'm the purple guy. He knits. I gamble. I'm addicted to gambling. That's just his way. What were your university quirks, you guys? I had a spice habit for four years.

He was your addicted spice habit for four years. He was you were addicted to spice before it was trendy. He would he would smoke spice three, four hours of straight through smoking and then he would fold himself into a V shape. So like basically like touching his toes and walked a town. It was so sad to see just to buy some graphic. Just to walk to home base. It was really sadist. Parry, when he was in the grip of spice, it really was something else. And yet, it was the making of me.

Yes, it really was. My quirk was I was a spice dealer. It's time we met. So we became chums. Friends ever since. I'm Gaffer tape. You're a Gaffer table spice. I've got a spice wherever you like, mate. Gaffer tape is to you, Nogin.

Where have you been in my life? What was your quirk? Um, I was the one that, I was the lady that slept with women. There you go. I didn't need to think too hard, everyone was like, oh, she's so quirky.

It was like, I'm actually very depressed. You tried to make your quirk that you slept with women as well? Yeah, didn't go very well. Didn't pan out for me. It's harder than it looks. Apparently you can't just go and stare at them.

Yeah. It's just staring at a kettle. Well anyway, it's all got a bit much for purple Toby. He couldn't stand the conditions. He didn't like the kitchen, brackets messy, and the garden, overgrown, and his bedroom door, brackets a jar. Yeah! Just shut the door, Toby.

I can't just shut the jar. It's not purple. Toby's problem is his door was a jar. It's the first door problem if ever I heard one. I tell you his door shut, the bloody guy with the gambling habit. Just locked in, curtains drawn, doing rails of chang while he fires up paddy power. I just, I can, I can, I can fucking with this money back.

Well, listen to that. I bet you seven purple socks. No, I didn't steal them. Before, I saw Toby went home to Birmingham. Couldn't take it anymore. Before he left, he went on a night out. He's just saying, too depressed. I'm so depressed I'm going home.

Let's go and celebrate now. I can't remember what happened. He didn't speak to me after. I think I might have said something hurtful. He faked hands. Like parsnips. I only wear his pants. Oh no, sorry, I read that wrong.

He faked hands like parsnips. I thought it's not a second do you... Oh, no, I'm sorry, I read that one. He fake tans like past nips. I thought it's a second time. I thought, you mean, you look like a past nip? No, he likes past nips. Oh, okay, fake tans. I thought you fake tans like a past nip. I got so Toby basically went out the night out,

Toby's gone home without speaking to him. He didn't speak to me afterwards, he didn't speak to Nathan. So these are the things about Toby. He fake tans, he likes past nips, he only wears purple, and he supports Wolf, I have to wander us. Oh, mate. Good things about Toby. He faked hands, he likes past nips, he only wears purple and he sportswear for hand to wondrous. Oh mate. Good lad, Toby. This is written, this seems like it's written by a five year old. There's no, nothing is logical. Everything changes direction.

I'm absolutely not doing anything. One minute we were talking about showers, now it's over the next slugs, then we're on to past nips. What is going, get the point now. And we very much left the slugs behind, aren't we? That was just, that was just chucked in there. That was throw away. And yet, I'm like, you're so paranoid, you've convinced yourself that slugs are coming in with absolutely no evidence. Maybe you'll come round at the end as like a, maybe it's cool to talk, you're talking to a quick into place. Can I just ask by the way, when I was at my at university for three years, I can guarantee you, I never want to say a past nip. How was, why past nips coming years, I can guarantee you I never once ate a parsnip

How was why pass tips coming into it's not doing like a Oh, really Barznips you go yep, not you're in you're in yeah, that's the little That was my first question I was asking my interview Yeah, no first question was what you take it except in my interview. No, the first question was, what are you taking? You've dropped an acceptor interview. And you're like, you should not have advised spice. Spice got passed next. We'll be alike. All I remember of that evening is him looking sternly at me and saying, no Nathan, stop that, I think you should go. Oh dear.

Right. So there's a mystery here. So Nathan also has a problem in that he's a blackout drunk. Yeah, well that's his work. I also remember having a horrible shriveling feeling due to dread and regret soon after we said that. You don't forget those kind of feelings. Horrible shriveling feeling. Everything shriveling up on him. You employing. He lost his erection.

Yeah, I got it. I think you should go. Which is much shouldn't be out. He looks nothing like a parsnip. Yeah, it's not even purple. You like parsnips, do you? All right. On a purple parsnip. It's not even purple. You like parsnips, do you? Alright. Well, a purple parsnip.

It's got a purple end on it. It's not a bad name for a knob, is it? Purple parsnip. Purple parsnip is a terrible name for a knob. How dare you? This is between me and my wife. It sounds good for a club. Purple parsnip.

All going down the purple past it. Do you want to drink the purple past it after this recording? We have a pint of the purple past it. Oh, pint of the purple past it. Pint of the purple past it. Pint of the purple past it. Sounds great fun. Now for the beef.

Oh, what? That wasn't beef. No, that was beef. What was that? It was all past it. Nathan, you've lost keywords. She's absolutely clocked out at this. Oh, goodness.

So we're in a room together. There are slugs everywhere. No, for the beef. About a week after Purple Toby left, we started noticing moths flicking around our house. Actually, fuck off next. So here come the moths. A few of first, I was like, three, four millimeters long,

but then more started coming along, mainly appearing in my bedroom. Then more and more and more, still the same size, but a lot of them. Toby left them in the bathroom. He left them in his bathroom. We all crushed them using our flip flops. You wear flip flops? They all do apparently.

We all crushed them using our flip flops. Team flip flop. That's another one of their quirks. Too many quirks. But we did not crush them all. There's so many strange sentences in this beef. I'm sorry, but like, how? What are the chances of you moving into a university

flat in your first year and every single person there having brought their flip flops along? That doesn't make any sense. I mean, that's the sentence for me. Do you get a pack-in list? Bring your flip flops. Maybe they did not crush them all. Maybe they bought them.

Well, you've got flip flops. You've got to crush them all. That's what the Pokemon rocks. Yeah. The thing is, maybe they all went out together on a night out and bought matching flip flops because they're a bit of a laugh. Yeah, yeah.

That feels like the sort of thing. Yeah, that sounds like a kind of thing. I thought the kids nowadays wear sliders not flip flops. Do you think wear sliders, finger, not an Oxford? No, an Oxford, you're probably right. Maybe old gambling Ben won them on a bet.

Yeah. I bet you. I'm crazy, you're seven right. Maybe you're gambling Ben won them. I bet. I bet you. I'll raise you your seven purple socks. Against eight flip flops. Oh, by the way, they're, they're bay lifts coming around. They're taking all that stuff away. I may, I may be up on the flip flops, but I'm down on like actual money. So they contact in Noreen. Okay, they go running back to poor old Noreen. Right. She sent out pest control. She's been in the wrong time. Pest control looked around the house. We have to move all our stuff off the floor. Oh, I've had that before. It's not a big deal. Yeah. It's cool tidying up, isn't it? Nathan, you're not going to get one inch of sympathy out of SK over there.

We have to move all our stuff off the floor. The pest control lad, got out of SK over there. We have to move on after off the floor the pest control lad got out of the... the pest control lad got out of his hoova. Does Nathan write for lad Bible? You're a pest control lad got out of his hoova. He did a suck job of the whole house. What? What about me? A suck job. Come on, I know that if pest control had come round they'd be like, I'm going to have to get out the big flip flop for this. LAUGHTER Oh, you need specialist flip flops for a... No, you can't, you just use the hover, please.

You mean using regular flip flops? No, no, no, no, no, no. Check out this for size 17. I think I got this job of pressing more. Also, it's definitely not a hover. It's not a hover. No. I had the same problem.

I had marked in my flat. They fumigate, I think. And they come round and it's like a hoover. I had the same problem. I had Martha and my flat. They fumigate and they come round and it's like a spray And do they describe it as a suck job? Yeah, they say would I just do a quick suck job Contempt Nathan, that's where you can hear in the voice they're contemptive Absolutely content and then and then the pest control lad brings his boyfriend in and does a suck job on his purple Brings his boyfriend in and does a sock to you. On his purple pasta. Yeah. He's been hanging.

We say this is really going to help with the maths and he does absolutely, I promise. Just let us finish and then I'll sort it out. OK. He spent ages in my room. When he came out, he explained that he had to lift my bed up off the floor. And under the bed, he'd found a rug.

On this rug, he'd found loads and loads and loads of moth eggs. I couldn't understand why the rug was under my bed. I hadn't brought a rug to uni. We were told to take the rug to the skip. He handed it us in a see through bin bag. I took the bin bag and was shocked, angry, and appalled and then disappointed.

Does Nathan think that student accommodation is purpose built for the people that move into it that year? He's the big kicker though. You ready? The rug was purple. Oh! Oh! Nathan, I's the big kicker though. You ready? The rug was purple. Oh. Oh. No he thinks I'm not gonna lie to you.

I was expecting more though. Hey thanks. You were hoping the... Kiwa's furious. You were hoping the absolutely furious. The rug was actually gonna be a giant moth. So the questions now come tumbling out. Had Toby planted this rug here.

Knowing that he wouldn't be back in the house for a while, did he think he'd wreak? Leopardope, Tural? So I was right, he left the moths. Yes. What do I do? Am I in the wrong for having wound Toby up? Was what I said worthy of a micro-plague?

Where does one procure moths? I hope you beef brothers can sort this beef out big time. Thanks, Nathan. Well, I'll tell you what's happened there. Toby hasn't left the moths. He's left a rug, and the the mods have arrived and eaten it and bred He didn't buy mods on a minute. No, we cannot just assume that something just because it is purple belongs to Toby That's another very good point actually. That's a very very good point

You that that's not the equivalent of a receipt with Toby's name on it having bought this row You can't be like well, it's purple. So it is receipt with Sabe's name on it having bought this rock you can't be like well it's purple so it is. It doesn't make a lot of you reap this whirlwind no so it. I'm so angry about this. Now suck it up. And also if Toby left the if Toby bought a purple rug, bought some moths covered the rug in moths and then left it because he was angry as housemates. What a hero. That is a good point, if he's wrong, he's right. Yeah, like that is the kind of shade I live for. That is thought out, I'm very impressed, Toby.

Yeah, I think if Toby, I think if that is Toby's work though, he would have found like a strain of purple moth. Oh, like to be like. Yeah, that would be very sad. He would leave no doubt in anyone's mind that was him. I think that's what he would have done. Can you plant moths on a thing? I have horrific, my moths I mean a flat where the the bath is carpeted. That's a recipe for moth because of the moisture, the light, the bath. That's moth city. It's moth city. I don't know what to do.

Can't take the carpet off the bath. Has Toby... Hold on, if they have a carpeted bath. Toby, I mean, I don't think Toby's claim responsibility, but I think this is Nathan's way. Look, you're in a student flight, you're like, oh, I'll whack a podcast on. They're all listening right now.

So no, no, no, no, no. But on how we're gonna fix the beef. So nobody. So nobody no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no If it I mean that's that's the question so because the thing is a rug feels like too big a thing To bring doesn't it it feels like a weird equivalent of the whole I hid fishes in the curtain You know that kind of thing or I put laxatives we we spiked our land on tea with laxatives. Oh, no Yeah, no And I was pretty back I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. And the hindsight is pretty bad. You're a real beast shit. So you're not going to be able to, you know what? He'd pay the rent up. They'd just drop the hook now. He'd put our rent up by like 50%. I feel like I'm a fan.

Oh, okay. We said come round and discuss it over a cup of tea. And then we, and we just did a full of laxatives. It's like, I think we're going to find out that you're Nathan at the end of this. So, I mean, that's what, that was. Like an 80s, it's like Paul Keel. It's like a Mr. Bean brand, doesn't it? It was a different time, it was the 80s.

Wow. So it feels like a slightly kind of, but it feels like quite an educated spin on that. So maybe it was Toby. I think, I think, you know what I think honestly happened. Toby has got his rug and gone, well, I like my purple rug, but I've gotta get the train home.

I've got everything in two bags, I don't wanna carry all my stuff. I'm gonna fold the rug up, stick it under the bed, and the rug has become an incubation unit for moths and the moths. Why would he put it under his housemates bed though? Why wouldn't he just stick it under his mind? It's not that impressive, it was under...

Yeah, that's amazing. It's under Nathan's bed. Do you know what, I hadn't thought that, Sarah, and that's a very good point. Why would he sick it unless there was some element of malice to it? But the problem is with Nathan here, is Nathan hasn't looked under his own bed.

That he's never looked under his own bed. If he did, he'd know to move stuff out from under there, right? And also given that we're pointing like tenuous fingers at people based on what their one quirk is. What about the guy that knits? It's a good point. Did he knit him a purple rug? Oh my god.

Charlie. Charlie has a bit as well. Charlie's been keeping suspiciously quiet. So Charlie's been watching it all play out and in the corner he's been going, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, making that noise. Sure. It's not the knits he needed, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, uh, making that noise. Sure. Oh, it's not the knitting needles.

It's not knitting needles. No, just, no. He's got a speech impediment. LAUGHTER Sorry. OK. Can we have another swan hewessel place? LAUGHTER

So, we've actually now got Charlie on the phone. LAUGHTER First time, this time, this time, I'm calling. We've actually now got Charlie on the on the phone Work Charlie is a train What was the other quirk there was another guy so You can't have you not remembered the gang Tim he likes insects then this Charlie Oh my god. Oh wait, this is a classic murder mystery. This is amazing. Oh wait, idiot.

How do we miss that? So everyone's in on it. This goes all the way to the darkness. Think about that as visually as like we're in this room with all these pictures and like pieces of wall and things that Charlie's provided from the meeting. And at no point have we looked in the corner where Tim is a fan of insects. I'm going, I'm going to the insects guy.

Tim's been sat in his interview room going, I think I'll get the right thing. We were too close to the truth. We had such a surprise. It's surrounded by masters the whole time. This is the moment when we drop the mug, the mug smashes on the ground, it all splinters off. It sounds like they're all in the movie.

On the bottom of the mug it says Tim loves insects. What it sounds like is. Because the Tim is a giant mask. I think they've all, I think they're a team. Tim likes insects, Charlie Knits, Charlie Knit at the rug. Yes. Tim provided the insect. Yes.

It's purple, so Toby had a hamster. So it's Ben, it's a betting on this being good value. So basically, Nathan, what we've established is, they all fucking hate you. You're a blackout drunk. It's because you don't love your own quirk. You're the problem Nathan. You're a blackout drunk who likes to abuse his other housemates verbally. This is murder on the Orian Express, spoil alert.

They all did it. It's the whole team. So basically Nathan, we think you're a total prong and it's all your own fault. Tom, would you actually just read the PS on his message there? PS, I'm incredibly excited about the direction you are going with the podcast. Oh, he's pulled it back here. Oh!

Nathan, you were the hero of this entire story. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Everyone I've shown the podcast to absolutely loves it. The Join Energy You All Brings Weatbs. I'm so disvantastic in the podcast estate consists of the excellent for nine, eight years. Please keep at it. Nathan, I'll tell you what, we had you all wrong, mate. We need to review this whole case again.

We're reviewing this situation. I don't think, I actually think probably, do you know who I think it was? That guy who came round to do the suck job. He probably put the rug in there to create a little bit more work for him because his business is failing. Yeah. I blame this guy. He's bonked, maths, or something. He probably put the rug in there to create a little bit more work for him because his business is failing. I play a nice, bonked moth. He popped his knob through one of those little slug holes and a load of moths came out the end of it. Out of his purple parsnip, incubated all around the flat and actually, he's in bed with nori as well. I bet he's in bed with nori. I bet they've both got long black hair.

Oh my God. Yeah, was it, did he have long? Do you have a pony tail? Did he, yes. Is he a witch? Is he Nori's bit on the side? There's so many details to this story that I keep forgetting the long black hair, the slugs.

What, where do they come in? This is our second, and once we've done the guinea pig story, this is our second production. Oh my God. Oh yeah. I think we could do it. This is the sequel to.. We could do a sort of tales of the unexpected type thing. Or Black Mirror. That's us on today, Crosby. We need tales of unexpected things.

It hasn't been shown in your lifetime. Why are there so many Black? Twilight is back. No, we're going to do a Twilight Zone type thing. This could be art. Out of limits. Yes. I like it anyway. All good, topical stuff. Well, what a thing. LAUGHTER I tell you what Nathan, that was incredible because you absolutely lost Sarah, then you brought

right back in at the end, and then she solved it. It's in being an insect. I look, that's the classic mystery, right? It really is classic. The first bit of information we got. Right at the top. Left the in plain sight all along. Do you know what? So impressed with the United. Yeah. Maybe you are doing an English debate. I think so. I'd say it was like a story arc to me. And so it was the great detective it was like I'm having no part of this but I'm very interested. Oh yeah, where'd that go? That was pretty amazing. I guess beef solved. Beef solved. Open and shut closed beef gates. Beef from the starting at your beef solved. Adrenaline pumping.

Have you got hit me with another one? Before you were drenneling crashes, have you got a beef with your flatmate that you would like a fan sure to solve? I don't have a beef with my housemates, but we have got a problem at the moment. Let's talk about it. It's delicious. We have a guy. We live on the top floor of our building. OK.

And we have a man who is coming around all hours of the day and night ringing the buzzer specifically of our flat and shouting us down the phone looking for a certain particular person but he is looking for Mariah Carey. And he goes, who's that? And he goes, who are you? This is my door. And he'll go, where's Mariah? And I've got Mariah, who would he go?

Mariah Carey. And I'll go, of course, what are the Mariahs do we know? And then it's really strange. And it's been happening for about five weeks now. Wow. And we've called the police and they're like well, there's not Huge amount we could do about that and also Mariah Carey does live with you. Yeah, but she's just off and out It's the main problem. Yeah, and I'm like she's not here mate But it's I find myself like one o'clock in the morning. Oh no, it's like it's just left. It's anti social hours

Anti social. Yeah, there's been times what a cause in the morning. I'll be on the phone to a stranger like to be honest Mate, I think if she lived in London she'd be more central Reason with him. I'm like as I bore kind of. Yeah. You know I can't say this enough. I just don't think she put you know. You should just have a Mariah Carey song queued up to play down the phone to him. I did consider it. I thought probably just that's not gonna get rid of that. That's a prominent code yeah. Yeah and I thought about dressing up as Mariah Carey and answering the door just to see what he would do. Maybe he would just ask for an autograph and then that would be it.

Do you reckon he does it to loads of houses or is it just, he's just, he's got it in his head somehow that Mariah Carey lives in. He must have read somewhere on the internet that she used to live in our top floor flat in Kilburn. Is it worth you kind of saying, oh she used to live here but now she's been here? We've tried it. Yeah yeah. So you gave us someone else's, you said yes she moved south. We tried it honestly. Tell you what Nathan, what's your address?

We got a little present, we want to send round you. Now sadly we can't live here. You're lost or with a quirk. The next time you write it in, you're like, two lovin's like. A job of the, he's obsessed. It's a lot, we're like, Harry! He's got a restraining on it, yo!

So we're dealing with that as a collective house at the moment. That's an interesting thing. Well, we can help you deal with it a little bit better because Tom, yes, you're off. I'm off. See you later. And in his place will be Fanchel Standin. Hold on. It's Santa Claus. Well, hello there. Ladies and gentlemen, after podcast,

fan sure standing here, providing and presiding. Sarah, dear, nice to meet you. Listening there to that little story, you had to tell there about that dear entertainer. That's a lot of that. That's a lot of that. We might say that there's as little story around here. Who dares talk?

No, who dares talks? Is what we see around here? It's a different place. Small town. Lot of talk. Nobody has explained to me what this is about. I should say, Fanchio standing, that's a good point.

We should have explained this before you came. Even sure what words you're saying there. Okay, so Fancy your standing. From the big city, are you? It is a deep South lawyer in the style of a John Grisham novel. Oh, great. And he is going to solve the beef for you right now. Right, I apologize. Before we brought a strange man into the room, we should have really explained.

Yeah, because we haven't met before, so. Not a problem, sunshine. Pleasure to meet you. Nice to meet you too. You, yeah. Yeah, because we haven't met before so not a problem sunshine Well now let's get into this let's drill down into the brass tactics here Sarah listening to your store a dare put me in the mind of a little tale with tell-round here Going back 15, 14, 13 years. Which one is it?

I'm certain. Yeah, it's getting the other way over. Ain't got no diaries this way, boy. OK. Glance at the sun. What's he told? Draw a lion's into sand. OK.

Guess at the year. All right. I like the way you said all right, almost in his accent. That's right. All right. All right. All right. You're fitting round here just fine, sunshine. Now listen up, now, a few years ago now, 13, 14, 15 years.

One of Dem Day wagons comes into town. He'll down the old road, the railway line, been closed for years. How many years? 40, 20, for years. How many years? Forty, twenty, twenty-three years. Wagon opens. Little boy comes out, shooshine box. Takes out the, the, the looks in the box, takes out a lantern. Fires it at the wagon. How do you get a lantern to shooshine box?

There was a different time. Three, three years ago. Curtains open. Silence. Crowd gathers. Someone comes on stage. What stage? The wagon. It's like the wagons been converted into a stage by the shoe shine boys. Oh right.

It took him two weeks. It's quite a big setup. Quite a powerful sound system. Huge untidy. Big lighting design, a big LED. It's a backdrop. It's like the V-Fest system. Huge, untidy. Big, light and design, a big LED. Drop backdrop. Is that the big festival? No, no expense, Bid.

Hell, the wonders of the wagon. He got a lunch at out, and then a LED. Hell yeah. Tickets, $90. Land yards, yeah, VIP. It's called a challenge. A prudence. Clumping.

Oh, festivals have changed. Not what they used to be. Back in the day, wagon was a wagon. Nowadays, different. Caffecans. Sure. Caffecans, everywhere. Lady comes on to this wagon stage.

Powdered face. Lipstick on her eyes. Oh, she made a mistake that. Sacca Concus. powdered face lipstick on her eyes. Oh, she made a mistake there. Sack of conquers. Oh, God bless her. Takes out one conquer, one voice of an angel. Takes out two conquers, two.

Takes out the third conquer, three. Hell could have heard a pin drop. Voice of an angel. Body of a lock. She must have counted out a lock or a log. Lock. Okay, no, no closest. All right. She must have counted out 40 or 50 conquer that day. Some folks say it was 70 others remember it is 10. Time changes when you're in the Rapture event to team. I remember crying. I was having a difficult time. Business hand being so good. Anyway, could a long story short? Old M. Conkers got counted not a dry eye in the house Carried her a laugh to the river Shook to rim

She drowned No one you ought to do about it We didn't know what it was Do you drown the poor lady? Last time, an entertainer ever did come to town. So, I guess there's a model in this story. Don't count your conkers on the stage, unless you got security. But also, never meet your heroes.

And never let your heroes. Oh. And never let your heroes meet you. OK. Will, Sarah. I hope that's helped. You enjoy life. Strike me as someone God, spring in your step. And a light heart.

Have you met Sarah? No, I'm not going. But never meet your heroes. Fans shall stand in there. Oh, well, presiding and providing. Gosh. There we go. I mean, did that sort of solve things for you? Yeah, yeah, that really cleared it up.

Wow. I mean, Nathan, if you're still listening, if you thought Sarah had contempt for you, you should have seen the way she was looking at Fanshor. She gave her a real, did he pick snare? I enjoyed the things he said. Well, on that note, I believe have come in. He's a riddle. He's a riddle. And if you're going to leave us to review this time, stick it on iTunes and just put the comment I enjoyed, the things he said.

Stop in between. You want to use a few full stops there, I tell you. Very simple, Lipsis. Sarah, thank you so much for coming on the show. Thank you for having me. Thank you for having me. It's been a total pleasure. I've got anything you'd like to plug.

Yes, I am doing a brand new show at the Edinburgh Finch Edinburgh Finch Festival I've heard of it. Yeah, it's it's slightly different. It's it's it's like the Edinburgh fringe, but it's exclusively for Fingering Two tickets please Just a two I'm doing a brand new show All the whole month of the Edinburgh fringe. It's called Pacific and It's a 545 at the baby grand

Beautiful ice your show last year was one of the best up there. I love yeah, I absolutely We had such a good time in the show really really enjoyed it. It's absolutely fantastic So do go along and it's our pleasure do go along and see Sarah if you're up at the Edinburgh Finch Festival And I guess put your Finch in your pockets and go and see it You're a finger out. You have bloody finger in come on Five stars Five stars. Beep from the starting again, beep! Yes, we enjoyed that one, didn't we?

Oh, yes. Such a strong episode. Full of open and closed shut beef cases. Well, I'm going to say that that first one, we didn't know it was an open and closed shut beef case. Nathan, he don't suspect the house, is that second one? Oh, it should. It should.

So the second one, yes, Nathan's one. It should It's shut right at the death, like every good beef case. We really had to go, we had to dig deep on both of those. I think we've really got there in the end. We opened the beef case, and we spent a long time staring into what I thought was basically empty beef case before we finally realised it was all hidden in the stitching. Oh, I'm in it. So, reward us with reviews on iTunes please.

Yes, five stars always hits the spot. Oh, if that be of cases were five stars then I don't know what. I know it was a good strong be of case. Get on Patreon please and get a part of our Patreon community. Yes. We've got many levels, but only on Patreon. Not anywhere else. You can have loads of fun extras by Don't Agent to the Patreon.

I'll be coming part of our community. Yes, if you'd like to come and see us live, we're going to be at the end of the road festival on the 30th of August, which is a fantastic festival. It's one of our favourite festivals. It's a really fun festival. It does the constant dance with the end of the British summer, whether wise, but it rewards you with a fantastic lineup.

It's really, really fun. And we're gonna be doing a full flat-shear slam down there with some special guests from the festival. We're also gonna be doing the London Podcast Festival on the 8th of September. So come along and see us there. Where we celebrate other podcasts by putting them on our shoulders.

Yeah, and doing a sort of rain dance. Yeah, so come and see that. If you think four podcasts can't form a human pyramid, then come along and we will prove you wrong. What else? Well, have a nice time. Have a great time. And cheers to our producer, Emma Corsham.

Corsham team. We're gonna be doing the Patreon neighborhood watch Rolkel in just a a second so stay tuned for that And otherwise go forth have fun not to fly and behave and be honest Just it's all we ask is you be honest just be honest. It's a P.O. box. Don't abuse the system Be honest with everyone, but all same most of all with yourselves Cheers everyone. Bye Set your bollocks to stun. It's time for the neighborhood watch Patreon Roll Gourder!

What was that? Set your bollocks to stun part of the neighborhood watch roll Gourder. I thought we might have to end. Sorry, going with a fresh inflection. But now it feels very much part of it. Very much part of it. Okay, well, please listen to your bearer mind that our bollocks are set to stone. It's hope. There are any incidents as we commence our roll call.

Here's bollocks are set to stone. It's Andrew Dyson. Here's bollocks are really groovy. It's John Tove. His bollocks are all on their own. It's Gruff and Jones. Unfortunately. Oh, he's going to be a bollocks.

His bollocks, Jaff, it's Simon Jaffer. What a chaffer, I'm a apologise. What a beautiful pair, they're all a glinter. Look at his bollocks, it's Leo midwinter. He whipped out his bollocks, it made him embarrassed. Poor old fellow, Jordan Harris. They're just below. They're swinging just below his car. It's Wulco.

Leo Wulco concludes the Patreon. My Trin, neighborhood watch, Roll call, take care of your bollocks, and each other. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Poor things. It's like theaters, December 15th.