Pappy's Flatshare - Beef Brothers Cold Cuts w/ Steve Bugeja S11E26

Episode Date: June 28, 2021

The Beef Brothers are here to sort out your beef with special guest Steve BugejaSteve Bugeja - https://twitter.com/SteveBugejaPappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetIf you have a flatshare based beef you'd like us to solve then send it to [e-mail] us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareProduced by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Greetings, Lister dear, I'm Tom. I'm Ben. And I'm Matthew and welcome to an episode of Pappies Flat Share Beef Brothers Coldcuts. Oh, and what an episode we have for you today. Every so often, in the beef brothers cold cuts universe, a new star arrives in the Fermanent and burns bright across the night sky and people think wow nothing's ever going to be the same again and I got that feeling with our guest today Steve Boucher a new comma to the Papi's universe but what an ep it's true it's true. It's a really nice intro.

Yeah, it's actually actually made me well up. Oh dear, don't want to go up or throw it there. I've been a bit of a little bit of a columnar, a little bit of a columnar. I should say I've put strict meaning in crossbees T because his replacement is Steve As long as my job as long as my job goes to another slightly nerdy white man. It's fine the equilibrium is maintained Yeah, we have real fun Chatting to Steve what a nice bloke and what a funny comic and Yeah, like as we say at the end of this episode

he's got a new sitcom he's just written and it's going to be on in August so look out for buffering when it comes to ITV2 it looks like I mean I've only seen the trailer I've not seen any of the episodes but it looks like it's going to be very funny it's with the instilling good chumma the show so check out. But also he's a brilliant stand-up. If he's ever in your area doing comedy go and see him. Yeah, obviously because it's he Sterling, their sitcom is going out immediately after Love Island, trying to capture the Love Island crowd. Yeah. Which Steve sounded quite excited about because it'll mean they have nice big figures, but you know, you're not you inherit an audience yeah nothing but terrifying me more than my sitcom in

hair in everything the love island audience I'm the love island audience genuinely I was just chatting to just chatting to Charlie about our sort of love island watching strategy in that we now go to bed so early. What I'm gonna do is it starts tonight, we're recording this one on Monday, it starts tonight, so we're not gonna watch tonight's, then we're gonna be always be a day behind watching it while we're having our dinner.

So that's the plan. I'd say you're a love island audience, but you're not the love island audience. Yeah, but you be surprised how do you respect? No, I think you'd be surprised how diverse the audience is. Is what I'm saying. I'm a member of a extremely broad church. And I also do watch broad church as well.

Not on ITV2. I would take inheriting the broad church audience any day of the week because most of the broad church audience don't know how to use Twitter. You're going to get a lot less reaction from the broad church audience that I think online than the love island one. I mean, I haven't seen the sitcom yet. It could be a, you you know it could be very much in line with the love island crowd. It's what we should say. I mean I know I know only a little bit about it. The basic premises it is about a bunch of extremely physically attractive girls and guys who are transported to a villa and have to couple up. That's what the that's yes. So you said huge figures, that's what you were talking about.

You were talking about the beefy bloats and bodacious babes that are going to be on the... Yeah. Oh, bodacious babes, you are the target audience. Well, she's not going to lie, bodacious babes. I haven't been voice-to-voice myself. You haven't been voice-to-voice, Ravi. No, no. I haven't, but I have been pitching a new Bill and Ted movie.

That's what I've been doing recently. So anyway, yeah, enjoy Steve. He's a wonderful guy and a new star, shining in the firmament of the Pappy's Universe. Here he is, Steve Bajair. Well, if you've got a problem, I'm calling a problem. If you've got a problem, call it a B. If you've got a B, maybe we can help you

be from the zoning at your B. So Steve, before we get started, thanks for coming on the show firstly. Thank you for having me. Talk us through, now I texted you, I think, in a quite a reasonable hour to ask if you would come on the podcast. I think I texted you maybe around, say, was it nine?

Maybe not too late to send a text, I would say. And before I went to bed, I was on red, so I thought, well, he's seen it, but he's not that bothered. And then I woke up the next morning and you responded, I think, at 3.26am. So you were awake so it's not like you're completely nocturnal, you were awake at sort of 9-ish, you were then still awake some sort of six hours later. I thought you were through, is that what happened? I was out, I was out with some friends. I got the text message.

I even commented to my friends, going, oh, Matthew Crossby's asked me to go on his podcast. That's nice. Didn't respond at that point. I then got very drunk. Salarish reasons. LAUGHTER She changed the podcast.

Yeah, I'd celebrate the call up. The podcast booking. And then I got home and I remember very vividly, Matt, I was in my lounge. It wasn't feeling great. I wasn't feeling great actually. I just sat on my own and then I thought, yeah, I want to do the podcast. I think I've decided. And that's where I replied at 3 a.m. in the morning. You've got to work through these things. You need Dutch courage to say yes, I can understand that. He's quite an intimidating man to correspond with. I don't know when you think it I'm just

readily available with two days notice to do a podcast, you know, I wanted you to sweat on it a bit for an evening. Yeah, that's all. Yeah, I mean, that would have worked fine, were it not for the fact that I go to bed at about 9.45. So I think we've got very different, but it's mad that we managed to find a time when both of us are awake to record this. Now you know what, I'm not some mad party animal, it was a one off daddy. I'm trying that way, Steve, doesn't say it that way.

It was a one off, well, it was a one off what that way. It was a one off, well it was a one off what Monday? It was a Tuesday night. It's a one off Tuesday night. It's a Tuesday night. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, That's right. That's when I engage with Pappis. That's the only time I'm willing to talk. Well you're very welcome to come on the show. So we know you're a party animal, but what kind of a flat mate are you? What's your flat mate set up? Well, I've actually just moved flats.

I've just moved in with my good friend Tom from university. He is very convenient. He is doing a lot better than me in his career and owns a flat. So I am benefiting from that. Yeah, so good when that happens. Like I do, it's nice as the age now. Like a lot of my friends are married and happy,

which is sad, but the good thing is that a lot of my friends are now doing well enough for me to sponge off them. So I now live in his spare room, lovely big flat in Bruchston Hill and he is never here. So I basically live in a one bed flat. Oh, I like Dale. What does he do? I have a problem. Where is he?

What is he set up? What? Yeah, he. No, basically, I've just not seen him. I'm in his bed all the time. No, he hasn't got a bedroom. He's very rarely in it. Where is he?

What's him to? Is he a party animal as well? He is. He is a party scene. No, he's the opposite. He's a very senior civil servant. I can't say what he does, but he's extremely important in making decisions to do with COVID. And the other day... is it Chris Whitty? Yeah, I have a Chris Whitty, yeah. My good university friend Chris Whitty.

Oh, finally, it's a link to Chris Whitty. No, the other day, me and Tom were both working from home. And I was reading an article about toilet brushes, genuinely true. And Tom was on a Zoom call with Chris Whitty. And I was like like this really does purpose perspective what we've done with our lives. What's your article about toilet brushes? Are you in the market for a new toilet brush? Because surely that's his job as your landlord.

He should be kicking out a flat with stuff like toilet brushes. Part of the rental agreement is that I have to do a lot of the heavy lifting when it comes to getting new items. Yeah. He's fighting the pandemic. Exactly, he's saving the country and I, the least I could do is find a shitsick for him that works. So what was your article? I've just recently purchased another toilet brush. I just went for the cheapest option very quickly in the supermarket. We're having a Tory time with it and we've been talking about it. We've been talking about toilet quickly in the supermarket. We're having a torrent time with it. And we've been talking about it.

We've been talking about torrenting and that house. Yeah, like, you know, they're not great objects. Are they really, they have to do. I've been thinking about it. The devil's worth. We've had it for a long time. But the things you can't just,

you can't just get rid of them because then how are you gonna deal with the, the, the, the excrement? Like, you need a solution. You need to tag them in. I, so what I was looking for is one of the ones with the disposable, you know, like the release things, the way you can, you know, at least keep it clean

on a more long-term basis. But I don't know what these are. Sorry, why don't you describe anything I don't know what it is. So you've got it, you can take the head on this. You use it once, you press a button, you flush the head, and then you start again. Yeah, basically. Yeah, you might use it more than once depending on what you've dealt with. Does it clean the pipes on the way now?

That can't be good for the planet, can it? I mean, I don't, I haven't really thought too much about whether you're allowed to flush down the, the point is I didn't get one. I've not got one of them. What I've gone for instead is quite, I've posh one with a, it's not a little cup, you know, the little cups that build up shit water. It's not one of those. Disgusting, it's a big long cylinder which at least hides the shit water.

Yeah, for a good, yeah. So that's, I'd Tom approved of it, you know, in between meetings about COVID-19. And did Whitty approve it? Whitty was a big fan of it. If anybody knows, you know, he's working at the the coal face of germs and viruses. Exactly, he should be all about it. I tell you what, you know, the, it's one of the few items

that moving people, if they're going to move your stuff out the house, they won't touch it. They won't move your toilet brush. So when we moved house, we only moved like five minutes down the road, like to put all of our stuff into a van, and then literally pick up our toilet brush, put it in there, which, and it's hard to transport in a car. One of you's got to hold it between your feet,

because you don't want to hold it in your hands, one of you're going to hold it between your feet in the footwell of the passenger seat, because you don't want it to go over in the car because you have to throw the car away Are you sure this wasn't just your toilet brush? Can I? I took one look at it and they were like absolutely not no no no Generally it's in the list of things the things they won't and all the rest of it is like you know stuff that might explode How am I going to move all my lip fireworks? And all the rest of it is like, you know, stuff that might explode. Oh, I can't believe it. Oh, yeah, I can't believe it.

I'm like, how am I going to move all my lip fireworks? I don't know. We bought this house and it, they left us the toilet brush and it was one of those cup ones that collects shitty water. So we've got the previous owners, molecules. You can't have a second-hand toilet brush make that. That's what we've been doing. We've been doing it for the last four months. This is literally the company. You're absolutely right Steve.

My wife turned around and said what kind of family are we that we're using somebody else's justy brush. How can you look at daughter in the eye? So I'll find say no. Splash the five quid on one of the cheapo plastic shoes. Oh, be careful. If you put it between your feet, it won't splash out. Yeah, this is it. The thing with toilet brushes though, is that lots of them, right?

We wanted to buy a cheapo, a cheapo one. But lots of the cheapo ones have decided, oh, I'll stick a little sort of plastic diamonds on the top to make it look all fancy. If you've seen that, it seems like a lot of them seem to put like little sort of plastic diamonds on the top. Like we're at the home base, they all have plastic diamonds on, we're at the Wilco, all have plastic diamonds on. Like in order to sort of make it like, actually, it's just quite a classy item we've got here. That's how it looks like a scepter. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. You can sit on the, sit on the, literally sit on the throne

and hold your septer in one hand, don't you think? That's quite a nice design, actually. It's quite a nice design idea. Knight, knight someone with a little piece of stick. I think if I ever told you a story about my Grandad's funeral, but a week after my Grandad's funeral, my nan had to have her front guard and dug up because shit and shit water was coming up

through the front lawn. And they traced it all the way down to her front toilet that had this really bad blockage. So there was this big buildup of shitty water and it was all coming up through the front lawn. And what they found in the U-bend was the head of a toilet brush, right? So the whole family had been at my nan's house

before following the, you know, the hearse. So this kind of witch hunt went round of who would block nan's toilet. And I was a toilet brush. I was chief suspect. And the whole thing was like, it's okay. If it was, it's okay, but just admit it, like, you know, we want to know.

But anyway, it turns out that my granddad's sister onto that. Pat by name. As a joke, my granddad used to charge her 20p every time she needed the toilet at a house. It was like, they're running jokes. She'd be like, I need the toilet normally. Be like, well, it's 20p. And she'd put it in a house, it was like they're running joke. She'd be like, I need the toilet normally, be like, well, it's 20 p and she'd put it in a jar

and be like, they're joke. She went for a poo just as the horse was pulling up and it wouldn't flush right and because she couldn't go out and tell someone that she didn't confuse this poo, she was poking it down the toilet brush. The toilet brush head came off and disappeared down the bowl

and she just, my granddaughter pulled up, his coffin was outside and so she was like, it's the wrong time to say to someone, I just took a toilet brush down the toilet. So just left it, went off to the crem and just forgot that it happened and then a week later, a big game. What happened to all the 20 peas, though? Was there not like a jar that could have basically paid for all the plumbing work? That's a good part of the story. Has she not effectively been

to pay in for this job? You know, she was finally on the, you know, finally in your poor grandfather's passing, getting her money back. Yeah, exactly right. God, yeah, very funny. We've got a sewage coming up in our garden currently. Oh, and... That's why I was pumping right.

Wait a second. You got one of those disposable heads, didn't you? It was a big, so far. No, basically, it doesn't, it will come up. And Thames Water have to come around every single day and pump the the feces out of the pipe outside our front door. So I see South from tells me what every single day and they come around and they came around the other day

and I was having a party. And, uh, Oh, of course, of course, you know, I see you all, party boy, B.J. of course. Yeah, didn't get the invite, but I'm sure it was good. It was a really bad, as well.

Um, I, I, I was having a birthday party. I, I was happy, I had this huge industrial pipe that was pumping out shit I was having a birthday party and there was a big party party party. There was a big party party party. I had this huge industrial pipe that was pumping out shit from my front door. People were just walking past this 10s water man. And then the 10s water man knocked on for the party and said,

we're going to have to come back, we've got to dump this lot. It's a big one this week. It's more than 20p's worth. They must be able to get to the root of the problem. No, so they are going to dig up the road next week to solve the actual problem, but in the future. Because the poo's so big. I mean, it does correlate with when we moved in, it's difficult to say who's to blame.

Well, this is all the work in from home though. I mean, it is, it's a problem, isn't it? In the household lose, it's a bit like, and I've talked about this before that I'm going through slippers at a rate of nots more than I expected to, you know. It's the household lose are under a tremendous strain now because people who would have gone out for, you know, 10 hours in their day to work Are now using, you know, having their ablutions in the in the loo in the house. Have we thought about this 30%?

Exactly. Are we going to have like a goonies style situation? You know, where suddenly houses are going to rock it into the sky from the amount of feces building up under the you know under the pipes Is that what's gonna? I mean? With these these are the sort of things we should be solving here on this podcast Thames water will be around any minute to come pump my shit so I can ask them whether it's a big problem Capital we should get this finished actually before the pumping starts We should get this finished actually before the pumping starts because it will happen with our sound quality Right, I'm gonna start today with this message from

Crystal insurance deductible beef and she's got in touch via beef brothers podcast at gmail.com and What a great way to get in touch Crystal writes Last spring new neighbors moved into the house right next to mine, and in the month or two after they bought the house, their basement flooded with sewage twice. So again, we're right on topic here, it's a real feel depressive to me. LAUGHTER

She lives next door to two guys, a civil servant and a comedian. LAUGHTER Always having parties. One at, yeah, one of our next A similar servant and a comedian. Always having parties. One of our next owners, we've nicknamed Chris Shitty. So they're basically at Fluddy with sewage twice. And the heavily pregnant wife in the couple

got a terrible case of Poison Ivy while clearing out the yard. Don't hear a lot about Poison Ivy, do you? Don't. I mean, to the point where that is the first time I've ever heard Poison Ivy, you know, in a real situation that isn't like the Batman movie. Sorry, did you get Bad Cays of Poison Ivy because of the sewage?

No, no, I think those are unrelated. Basement, Vladimir sewage, she went out into the back garden to clear out the back garden, got Poison Ivy. Oh, that's right. That's right. Poison Ivy. I know, it's bad. Combat. rich. Poison ivy. I know it's bad. Combo.

Combo. So naturally I felt even more terrible than I would have when a microscope knocked the top of my very large backyard oak tree sending it summer sorting across and into my roof before it landed in our shared driveway and hit the corner of their new house. The entire second floor of my house had to be rebuilt and in the end I had to move out for six months while this work was being carried out. The damage to their home was obviously much smaller and was covered by my insurance, but in texting with the neighbour out the incident she frequently mentioned the $1,000 insurance deductible and what a difficult expense that

was on top of having just bought the house and having so many problems with it. Ooh. She never explicitly asked me for money, but the topic came up a few times in that way about what a burden the deductible was. In the fog of trauma and I think my sense that I wanted to do something in the midst of nothing meaningful being done to my own home, not to mention feeling terribly guilty that this cost had been imposed on them, even it was an accident I couldn't control, I decided to give them $500 to pay half the deductible. She accepted it happily and thanked me profusely again mentioning it in the text what a burden the

unexpected expense had been. Okay here we go. Imagine my surprise when I stopped by the house to meet with a contractor a few weeks later and these neighbors pulled up in a brand new Mercedes Benz. Oh, I already had a nice car. So it's not as if they're upgrading from a junker and obviously my $500 wouldn't have given them the ability to buy a luxury vehicle but it's hard to see that car now and not think about what dire financial straits she said they were in at the time. I obviously don't know the full story, maybe they want it on a game show, maybe they're addicted to irresponsible finances, and I don't regret giving them the money because it did feel like the right thing to do at the time. My question is this,

because this seems to be their first house, they're meticulous with everything, down to little things like sweeping the driveway regularly in a sycophere attempt to keep the leaves off it. I am less so, and I'm now wondering how much guilt-free laziness my $500 gift to them affords me, particularly with the assumption that they didn't really need the money in the first place. In my imagination, every time I do something annoying like going too long without mowing the lawn or leaving something in the driveway that should have been put away, they're forced to think, ah, but she did give us all that money. I'm thinking I've bought myself two years of being kind of a shitty neighbour before I start trying a little harder, but I would welcome any feedback on whether I'm correct. Thanks, Crystal. Wow, well thank you, Crystal. That is a

phenomenal story. And a lot to go on there. What a journey, yeah. You think it's gonna be about the sewage, it's not about the sewage. You think it's gonna be about the poison I mean? I'm related. It's not about that. It's just, God is in the details and crystal does not spare us them.

God was loose. Yeah. Let's pick through it. First of all, Steve, if you're in that situation, would you have paid any of the money? No, I don't think I would have actually. But that's my own personal financial situation. I guess I don't know how much my crystal got.

Like, she never really elaborated on what her bank balances. But we do always ask our listeners, if you do get in touch, please tell us what your current bank balances. And your code number. Love has made a name name including savings accounts. Last three digits. Yeah. We are just an elaborate fishing scheme, Steve. That's what this is. I think that she's actually done the right thing. I probably wouldn't have done it because I wouldn't have felt that guilty. I would have been like, look, accidents happen, you know, trees fly around. You got to deal with that, you know, that's not my,

but I think in terms of keeping the relationship for the long term, because you've got to assume they're gonna be neighbors for a few years, and they've already got the sewage system, that's, you know, not a great start. I think 500 groups is probably worth it, because they're gonna be taking Amazon orders in for them, you know, like this stuff, they could, they could, it's worth it just for that.

You need your neighbours on side, don't you? You do need your neighbours on side. But for how long? How long is this description? I'd say five years, I'd say $100 a year. I think $100 to be a lazy neighbour gets you, you know, like a year's worth. I'd say. So I think you can relax into this and have five years. I will say this, I think, A, it was a force measure, right?

It wasn't like anything to, it was a storm that hit a tree, that hit their house. And whether you were there or not, that would have happened, right? So, yes. Absolutely, you are quidding. You game that 500 quidding happened to do that. You are absolutely, you are quidzin. You game that 500 quid, you have to do that. You are up.

We're quidzin out. You're got your, sorry, you're 500 quidzin. Sorry. So, but you know, you have, you had no obligation to do that. But I'm gonna say this, is the car because they're having the kid. Like, they probably had to get that car anyway.

I don't think that car, I know they said it's some say he's Benz, but in my head, I don't think it's like a fucking, you know, convertible to seat, we've won the lottery kind of car. Is it like, is it that they've had a kid, or they're having a kid so they've bought, they had to buy a bit of car.

They've probably got it on lease. They've got it on lease and it's five hundred and a month. They've got it on, you've bought they had to buy a piece of meat cutlet. They've got it on lease and it's five hundred a month. You've bought them a month of that car. Which means you should be able to borrow whenever you like for the next 30 days. You get a month's worth of use of the car basically. Or five years of being a lazy neighbor. I think five is, you, is, is, is, is, you could go further than that.

I reckon, I can 10 years. Because think about this, right? That's $50, $50 a year. If, if your neighbors, right, were giving you every Christmas, a Christmas card with $50 in it, that's good for the rest of the year, isn't it? If, if they knocked on the door and said,

look mate, if I bung you 50 quid, will you just lay off about my untidy front garden? You'd be like, fucking a, mate. Or so well. I'll take that 50 notes any day of the week. So you know, that would also be wondering why they're not using that money to pay for a gardener. They could have just solved the problem.

Yeah, but 50 quid's not gonna go that far for a year, is it? It's, you're paying 50 quid's not going to go that far for a year, is it? It's you're paying 50 quid every, you know, every month to a gardener. There's no way. It would be a really funny thing to do to move into a house and knock on next door and be like, is 50 quid just leave me alone? I'll be back. I'll be back this time next year. 50 quid. Don't, we don't have to chat, we don't have to do the niceties. You just leave me the fuck alone

and don't bother me with any of this shit as 50 quid. I mean, I love a thing to call. I like the idea of that, yeah. I mean, I don't like, I don't like my lot of respect. My worry would be that once I started, I'd never stop and I'd bankrupt myself. I just be walking around with like 50 quid and it loads in different envelopes.

Every time someone came up to me and wanted to have a chat, I was sitting like, here's 50 quid, just piss off. I'm a bit of an issue, I've been living on the street. Yeah, I mean, how different is this to just paying off people who have accusations against you? It's not far off. You make a good point there, yeah, yeah. It's multiple neighbours. I've got about six neighbours that I would potentially have to play off.

That's a 300 pound expert. That's too much. Yeah, that's two Camden junglers, isn't it? That's a lot of, you know, a lot to pay off your neighbours. To use the parlance of the club comic there. It's great, great to have life comedy back. LAUGHTER Matthew shows how long it's having Geensfogger's

junglers and has been round that fight. I was going to say, it's about 12 podcast recorders, isn't it? I think that's my right. So the guys for the garden, do you feel responsible then for... To the guys for the garden, do you feel responsible then for the to the to the neighbors for the state of your garden? Do I feel responsible to yeah, if you haven't moved your lawn for a couple of months, would you be like, oh, what would the neighbors think?

A little bit, yeah. If everyone else is garden is looking good on the straight You definitely notice if yours is yours. You always is bringing the neighborhood down then yeah You want you know like you know if your bushes are going over the fence and stuff like that then Yeah, you're lucky for me. We've got a crack house. We've got a crack house Just like four doors down. So it's lucky We've got a crack house just like four doors down, so it's lucky. It really takes the heat off us. That's it, yeah, this is maybe Crystal's problem.

Maybe she's moved into two nice and area. Crystal man. That's the next name. Maybe she's moved into two nice and... Is that where you are till half through the morning? Be honest. Yeah, at the crack house, yeah. They're nice guys. They suggested I do the podcast actually. They're the morning. Be honest. Yeah, at the crack-ass, yeah. They're nice guys.

They suggested I do the podcast, actually. They're the ones who do this. We can do those guys on already, actually. Yeah, or the other guys on the crack-ass. You're the last guy from the crack-ass to complete the sec. So, okay. So, I think the answer to this is an amantees,

isn't it, really? I think, I think that's the solution is either, ask to use their car for a month. That's one of the options. Or allow yourself 10 years of being a shitty neighbor. I've got another plan. Oh no. Right, it's a slightly different plan

and it verges into what you'd call the world of the illegal. But it's a plan never though. That's okay, right? You go around their garden and just start soaring away very imperceptibly, you know, like with a very thin wire or like just store away at the bottom of their tree.

A cheese cutter. Like a cheese cutter, bottom of their tree. A cheese cutter. Like a cheese cutter, yeah, like a cheese cutter. So you think you're going to be able to make one of the trunks? You do a bit of cheese cutter there, right? You're sure a shankit, but you don't do it all overnight. You don't do it all overnight. Do it bit by bit. Every time you get a chance, you know, they're away for the weekend, getting their cheese

cutter away. You sure shankit. You go over there, you carve red was here, into the trunk, and then you consider a suicide on their driveway. No, but you're doing it at the angle so that it's gonna hit the corner of your house, right? Right? And then they're gonna think, oh right,

we're gonna have to pay them some money, but then when you talk about your insurance deductible, you may keep 1500 quid, or 15,000 quid, whatever it will be. And that way, then you get the money back. I was thinking a bit more, that's seen in the Big Lebay ski wedge on Goodman, just gets a tire iron and just smashes up the car. This is what happens when you fuck a man in the ass, yes, of course.

Oh, no, yeah. That's fucking strange in the ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it. Cool. I have a different vibe. It have a different vibe to it Yeah, but I think it's kind of a similar You know, don't let them get away with this kind of message Right. So again, but yeah, if you if you if you if you think they have committing criminal damage There's either cheese wire the tree or a slightly a straighter root or which is why the car cheese wire yeah it's got to be a cheese wire we've got all these cheese wire we've got to give it off

if you're thinking a 10 year kind of leeway to being a shit neighbor yeah is that going to carry over if they move house you know know what, you got to explain to the new neighbor that you did pay off the premium. You've got to have the true actually. You've got three years left on the contract, you know, like how? Or you have to go and go like, sorry, you're gonna have to pay me about $250

for the years in lieu. Yeah. Yeah. How do I know? I mean, I've been like doubly bad for half the amount of time. It's protection money again. You go to them and say look it's 250 quid otherwise I'm the neighbor from hell What is up with the cheese cutter? Yeah, you can hold with the cheese cutter. Yeah, hands as you're saying it to them

Just be sort of working it back and forth, you know Just on your own neck On your own neck Yeah, no, here's this is we have we thought of this crystal if you consider cheese wiring your own head off Yeah, it's gonna send it's gonna send a message it certainly is It's a very confused one Cheese wire own head off and make sure your head lands on the top of the head. Stand on the top of their porch. And as they lay beside his bends, wasn't it?

Oh! Biefsolved? Biefsolved! Biefsolved! From the sorting I could be! You've solved! You can get anything you need with Uber Eats. Well, almost almost anything.

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Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman plotting her course to free to act in love for her. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Four things. It's a like the theaters of December 15th. Steve, you've got one of these.

Would you like to read yours out? Absolutely. Um, then you get it up. So, Well, you've got that. High game a big fan of the show. Oh, thanks Steve. But now could you read the message out from the listener? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's my partner and I have recently moved into our first home.

I'm really excited for us both and we're absolutely loved our first couple of weeks here. However, each time we visited the house, we commented on our next door neighbours to be strange vibes. Fast forward to the day we actually move in. I pop over to introduce myself to the new neighbour. We learn a bit about each other. Steve is a retired policeman who spends all day chining, chining, chining, chining, biffs on his drive and cleaning his car. Sorry, the mac and beef. Sorry, I got chining biffs. Yeah, I wasn't sure whether you guys were looking to go, but you know what chining is, Steve? What's chining? Well, chining's like downing something, right? But I don't know what the fuck a biff is. Oh, a biff?

Chining, a biff, a biff, he's not smooth and wadish, but I don't know what the fuck a biff is. Oh, biff is? Oh, biff is? Oh, biff is? Oh, biff is? Oh, biff is? Oh, biff is? Oh, biff is? Oh, biff is? Oh, biff is?

Oh, biff is? Oh, biff is? Oh, biff is? Oh, biff is? Oh, biff is? Oh, biff is? Oh, biff is? Oh, biff is?

Oh, biff is? Oh, biff is? Oh, biff is? Oh, biff is? Oh, biff is? Oh, biff is? Oh, biff is? Oh, biff is? Oh, biff is? double F S Chining bits. Is that an auto corrective beer? I mean, but who's Who's to see this be next and otherwise? Who's to see this be next and otherwise? Who's to see this be next and otherwise? Who's to see this be next and otherwise? Who's to see this be next and otherwise? Who's to see this be next and otherwise? Who's to see this be next and otherwise? Who's to see this be next and otherwise? Who's to see this be next and otherwise? Who's to see this be next and otherwise? Who's to see this be next and otherwise? Who's to see this be next and otherwise? Who's to see this be next and otherwise? Who's to see this be next and otherwise? Who's to see this be next and otherwise? Who's to see this be next and otherwise? Who's to see this be next and otherwise? Who's to see this be next and otherwise? Who's to see this be next and otherwise? Who's to see this be next and otherwise? Who's to see this be next and otherwise? Who's to see this be next and otherwise? Who's to see this be next and otherwise? Who's to see this be next and otherwise? Who's to see this be next and otherwise? Who's to see this be next and otherwise? Who's to see this be next and otherwise? Who's to see this be next and otherwise? Who's to see this be next and otherwise? Who's to see this be next and otherwise? Who's to see this be next and otherwise? Who's to see this be next and otherwise? Who's to see this be next and otherwise? Who's to see this be next and otherwise? Who's to see this be next and otherwise? Who's to see this be next and otherwise? Who's to see this be next and otherwise? Who's to see this be next and otherwise? Who's to see this be next and otherwise? Who's to see this be next and otherwise? Who's to see this be next and otherwise? Who's to see this I think he's American this person so maybe it's a... Oh, okay. Colloquial. Colloquial. Right. Chining Biffs.

Anyway, they're chining Biffs, whatever the... From the neighbor's chining Biffs on his drive and cleaning his car. So he probably isn't drunk if he's cleaning the car. The man literally does nothing else, nothing. He's always on the drive when we arrive home and when we go to work. He's there in the middle of the night

and he's there when I first wake up. He loves his car and he looks pretty house-proud. that isn't a blade of grass out of position on his drive and its flowers are perfectly arranged. Nothing wrong with that of course. Of course. When leaving for work one day this week Steve collars me on the drive. Alright mate I've got to go for a copney because we're going to see where is this American? Disappeared. So here's a second he's here, I think they're American and now it's... He grew up in West Army, moved out to California. Yeah, he was doing it. All right mate, I need a word with you.

All right mate, I need a word with you. You're John Corden. You know how to say single song? Last time, Chinna Biff. Wash. Yeah. All right mate, I need a word with you. You know how to play single song? Last time. Last time. Last time. Last time. Last time.

Last time. Last time. Last time. Last time. Last time. Last time. Last time. Last time.

Last time. Last time. Last time. Last time. Last time. Last time. Last time. Last time.

Last time. Last time. Last time. Last time. Last time. Last time. stare at my carp and even taking a shit in my flower bed. Of course, I can... Oh, it's a carp. Staring at the carp is an interesting one, right? Of course, I continued the Shorado embarrassment. I jokingly suggested that I'd have a word with the cat, but I think this angered him. Steve's not angry.

He went on to explain, I found your cat in my kitchen, a state licking the chopping board. When he spotted me. Oh, I found your cat in my kitchen estate licking the chopping board. When he spotted me. Oh, I love this cat. What? Right. Look at the chopping board. And when he spotted me, he panicked, tried to escape out the window, knocked over the mug

tree, smashing several mugs, and ripped my blinds. Fuck it out. Of course, I was genuinely embarrassed by this and immediately offered to pay any damage that the cat may have caused. Five or two days ago. Then, did that dead blokey thing, of saying, well, it's not really about the money, it's just not been able to feel relaxed in my own house. I can't feel relaxed because I'm being terrorised by a cat. I'm just siege from this cat.

I mean, I've sometimes said my sympathies swung the other way, actually. This neighbor's been absolutely I owned it by this cat Licking his fucking chopping board his own home It's a bit you know a licked chopping board is very much like a second-hand Toilet brush isn't it you've got a binnett once you know the chopping board's been licked by by somebody else's cat Yeah, not your cat not your cat. Yeah, not your cat.

Not your cat. Yeah, I mean, fucking lick all sorts. Don't know, they're always looking to lick their own bits. They lick their own bits. They're all chitting their own bits. They're always chitting their own bits with their mates. Oh mate, I was so happy last night. I managed to ch chin my own bit.

Finally, can't get after all these years. Did you have a rip-removed? That's what I say. Got to have you rip-removed? Anyway, he goes on. He has since suggested that he might need to find a solution to this problem and I'm sure I spotted a maniacal glint in his eye. Yeah, I mean cheese-wired, and he was wearing a bit of cheese wire across his throat.

She was looking at my cheese board. I could barely cut the cheese after that. And he was like, oh my god. I am now fearing for my cat safety and I'm constantly on edge in case they pop into his garden. What should we do? Thanks everyone, Connor. Amazing, sir. I know what I'm saying.

This is good, sir. I mean, this American beef is good beef. Can I just say, I'm not sure this is an American beef. I don't know where you're getting American from. Yeah, well I don't know where I got that from. The phrase dead blokey doesn't come across to me as being particularly American phrase. Mug trees.

Chilling the beef. Chilling the beef. Chilling the beef. Maybe they just spent a little bit of time in California. Maybe it's a scoff at the most of the surf and community. Could be scoff at the least. Could be Scottish, yeah?

Yeah. If it was like, if you found out that in Glasgow, they say, chilling the bit, you'd be like, yeah, I buy that. What does it mean? I'll buy that so you don't bit much in. God knows. So, this sounds like the premise for the kind of comedy that Robert De Niro makes these days.

Yeah, absolutely. He is a grumpy man who's shuffling out to get his newspaper off the front lawn and his newspaper was all chewed up and up in the tree, there's a cat gang. And he's like, oh no, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna , I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna,

I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna,

I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm There's going to be at least one scene where the neighbor comes home and finds De Niro is stuck with his head through the cat flap. And he claims that he claims that the cat started it all. I'd watch this. I'd watch it. Catastrophe. Catastrophe, I love it. Yeah.

So what are we saying? What's the suggestion? What's the solution to this bifchining maniac who wants revenge on your lovely cat? Well, hang on now. I think there's two ways of looking at this and I think you're looking at it that way. There's another way I'm looking at it. There's one maniac in this story. And it's the fucking cat, mate. That cat has got issues. It's staring at carp. It's fucking looking looking the chopping board. Staring at carp is legit. I mean, why else buy carp if not to stare at them?

What's he doing with them? He's eyeballing it and knowing he's not admiring them. He's not going lovely, relaxing carp. He's giving that carp looks like I'm in a fucking kill, you mate. It's like the fucking guy's shawnt. He's the bad guy in prison who's, you know, jumping the key to use the phone. I'm sorry.

I'm very confused that in the film. Can I say, by the way, one of the least aggressive prison crimes is jumping the key to use the phone. What I think of, what I think of, like my fear is about going to prison. Way down the list is, what are some cuts in line when I'm trying to use the phone. What I think of, what I think of my fears about going to prison, way down the list is, what are someone cuts in line when I'm trying to use the phone? It's more like being shanked mate, what is this? Well that's how they're cutting in line though. Alright, it's shanked. Shanking in line. Shanking in line.

Oh, I'm going to give out your time. Okay, should you beef now? Look at your board. I chin my beef and I shanked in the line. Bucheus chucks the best parties, doesn't it? You really do. You really do. Unfortunately, I was just pubbing shit, so I didn't really get to be a part of it. Right, so I think you've got to look at this cat,

I think, cat therapy. You've got to look at maybe getting a tag on the cat get that cat in line man what do you mean a cat? No the cat's just being a cat the cat will explore that's what a cat will do Cats want to explore they want it you know that if they see some carp they're gonna watch them they're gonna be cats have cats have car blanche you can't go well it's a cat that cat just beat up my baby well no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no That is shitting in the flower bed as well. Huge. Huge, I mean, I've seen as well, is it what kind of like, would, did he, did he start all the cat to the point, like, I've never seen a cat wake out.

You've seen a cat. I was going to say bloody out clock. You've seen a really hot live. What are we talking about right now? I'm just not coming back. So you little show in life. What are we talking about right now? I'm just not coming at you. So you've never seen a catcher do one, sorry. I think that he went mental at the cat, and that's why the cat like wicked out

and ripped a blind and smashed a mug tree. It's not like a normal startled cat just to cat just a cat will just run out the room normally If I walk into a room and I don't own an animal and there's a fucking animal on the side in my room I would probably fucking start all that animal Yeah, there you go something like that any fucking No, that's not one there. That's not one there. This guy's done.

Anyway, listen, Steve, see Reckonsey's got not just one, but two solutions, talk us through them. Yeah, I think it's two options here. The cat's life is in danger. There's a, and it's really like, I think I, I'm a, I'm a knife, a knife, a neighbor. I would either, you can go one or two ways. You can either buy more cats

to really confuse the situation. So I'm talking three or four more cats to just... You're talking a cat gang. Yeah, I'm sorry, yeah. I was saying outnumber the neighbor. And you think you look at should all look as close to the original cat as possible. Or do you want to get a...

Exactly. Yeah, okay, right. So it's like, they're like doubles. So basically you won't know who's trying to kill. And at the end of the three amigos. Exactly. Okay. And actually this isn't the worst end

to the Robert and Ere films. No! Multiple cats. Yes. Yeah, so that's one solution. I think just confusing, baffling, you know, load the cats. Second option is kill the cat.

That's the other option. Get rid of the cat yourself. Do it yourself before you get to hurt yourself. So you're saying basically kill the cat in front of the neighbour to show the neighbour who's boss. LAUGHTER She's a morricant. You're not going to to show the neighbor who's boss. Cheesewalk, cheesewalk, you're not gonna kill my cat. Can I just say, all those two ideas I think are more inclined to the buy more cats.

I think that more so than murdering a poor defenseist animal. I can't imagine no matter how annoyed my neighbor's got with Cosmo that I would want to murder her. She did not think the middle ground is rehabilitate the cat. Before you execute it, give the cat a chance, you know, to mend its ways. How are you rehabilitating a cat, Tom? Uh, like training the cat, therapy with the cat. Literally shun the cat therapy with the cat literally

shun the cat. I can't believe we're in a world where we just give cats cart blanche and go well you know it's a cat in it. You can toilet train a cat. You can train a cat to use either the litter tray or to your neighbor's flower bed. Yeah well well, it is the thing. Let's be honest, have you trained the cat, you know, is this something that is the fault with you? You know, are we blaming the parents here? Have the parents allow this cat to write it?

It is, it really is, yeah. Physic here by self. No, no, what is it? What is it? Physician here by self, what is it? Physician here myself. What is it? I mean, I know what the phrase is, but it doesn't apply to the situation. The, the, the, the your own cat. Doctor, look at his urine cat is the cut, it's the old question. Doctor, doctor, doctor, who is your own cat? Doctor, I am the cat. Doctor, I am the captain.

I am. Yeah, well, if I don't think, I'm pretty sure that I can't remember who it is he wrote this in, but I don't think they're saying also I'm the captain at the end of it. I mean, Connor, you're Connor, have you got a twist? Connor, if you're, if you are the captain, that's absolutely amazing, because not only have you managed to lick a chopping board, you also managed to send an email. Didn't you just put your press... Did you just write a whole novel where the end you found out it's a cat? Really? I think so.

Did he write MoG? Because that is Prismog. I think you've just wrote a novel, and I don't think so. I think the Prismog was about a guy who cuts in the line to use the premise. He was writing about experience. I'm pretty sure there's a novel, or maybe it's a short story anyway, but the twist at the end is, by the way, I don't know, he says, by the way, I'm a cat,

but it's like, you know, or something. There's a big spoiler. Anyway, yeah, so look, what are our options here to get a bit closer? Well, I think there's a compromise between, like you say, buying a murder in a cat, and I think a little bit of training for your cat. And also, training can be a pleasant thing. I know a lot of people who think our training involves like shooting your cat

with a water pistol or something like that every time they do something naughty. But actually, just reward them with treats. Give them better chopping boards in your house. And they wouldn't have to go to chopping boards elsewhere. If you've got a nice day, you take for burgers when they've got steak at home. Exactly. So if you get a little chopping board full of lovely little treats,

little bits of fish and all that kind of stuff, oh this is a good stuff. A bit tough. Cut. Lovely bits. Get the carp and look still. Kill a carp, yeah. So you kill multiple, buy multiple carp and kill all of them,

chop them up, give them some carp sushi. Then you could have, you know, train them to, train them not to go. I mean, I think the going into other people's houses, that's's only gonna happen if what you've got in your house isn't good enough Ditto trains use a loo Amen I agree all right all right or buy three more cats. I think both good options all buy three more cats will murder a cat beef self Hey That's what murder a cat beef solved. Yeah, from the starting I can be solved. Hey, Clarky, read out your beef for me. Okay, I've got Wiffy Beef from Stu via beef brothers podcast.

That gmail.com, get in touch. Get in touch, guys. Evening beef brothers and friends, I need your advice on, let's call it with VeeBeef. I'm an illustrator and work in a middle sized art studio. I came in the other day and was taken back by the site of several of those car air fresheners, shape-night trees hanging from one guy's Obviously, this was to poke fun at his awful bio. Oh no! But he didn't get the hint. People are now not only moaning about his bio, but I'll now laugh him behind his back. How could you guys get this delicate problem diffused without hurting anybody? Man, this

is... this is, this is tar. This is a sad beef, isn't it? Yeah. No, you can imagine pine needles with an undertone of B.O. This needs sorting. Help, cheers. Do you? Right. I would find out whoever the cunt was, you'd done the air freshener trick. And I'd shit on their desk. LAUGHTER

Beasars. For stars.SARS. For starters. That is one B-F that's not going on chin tonight. That's a low blow, that's bullying, isn't it? Yeah, that's awful. It is bullying. It is quite aground tactics, that is. Yeah. I mean, I know the art community is supposed to be quite, you know,

cattery, but that's what I'm playing. I'm playing. I'm playing bullying, isn't it? Like sort of hippie artist and art studio aren't known for the hygiene. So it can't just be the only guy who's smelling. I mean, that's what I was gonna say. It's like, what kind of fucking artist are you?

If you've got a problem with B.O. Do you think fucking Jackson Pollock had links on? No, Jackson Pollock's going fucking back shit crazy with his fucking, do you think Picasso smells good? Yeah, if you look at the most famous artists, they all look like they absolutely hum. You know, like Salvador Dali, there's no, you actually write, there's no way.

You know, he's cutting off bits of his own hair and twiddling it into his, his mustache, he's jizzing while he's working. He must, he must, he must stink like a bloody old pot noodle. I swear to God, I think you're absolutely right. You've got to deal with it. It's like pain is good for art.

I can't believe that. The worst position an artist can be in is a comfortable one. That's what Picasso said, isn't it? And I think if you're sat next to somebody and you're breathing in lavender and all that kind of nonsense, you're probably sat next to an old lady. But apart from that, you're not gonna be pushed to the realms of being the best creative you can.

You've gotta be in an uncomfortable position. There's no way you're going to create good. Thank off. Exactly. Thank off his stank of rotting it. Like he's famously to keep it in his pocket. Yeah. I didn't give it to his wife or something. He post it to a lover. Yeah, I think he post it to a lover. Yeah. That's a huge swing, isn't it? You know, with a big old... That's a big... Well, you're a little bit early dick pick.

Yeah, exactly. Did you just malm me your bit? Yeah, no, I think the worst thing about this is the, now Stu seems like he's a sort of decent guy, but doesn't really want to rock the boats, okay? So he's not part of the, he's not part of the bully and gang. We're giving the benefit of the doubt here, Stu. Yeah, that certainly seems to be implied. But I don't think you can,

I think solidarity to your fellow artists stop washing. That's why I was gonna say out be out of the be out and be like, like you were saying, like, oh, you don't have be out. What are you a terrible artist or something? Yeah, I'd put loads of air fresheners on my own. I'd like, I'd like do it to myself. I'd put loads of air fresheners on my lamp, not wash for a fucking week and just spend the whole time

eyeballing the rest of the guns. I'm fucking love it, man. I just be illustrating to staring them all out, fucking smelling my own pits, you fucking call yourself artists, you can't. Go home to mom and dad, you don't know what art is, it's about fucking soil under the fingernails, you fucking part-time cunt. I'd love it, I would. Yeah, hang on about this. Tom, can I ask, have you been doing this already? Because that does sound quite a lot like the the pre-gig chats used to have with us. Before we go on stage at the Edinburgh festival. So you saw your finger nails again, Barry? It's what I say to my wife and daughter before I come into the broom cupboard to record a poppin'

that's the best. Daddy's an artist, okay? Yeah. Thank you all the only one who can shit themselves. Well, think again, all right? And I'm not even wearing a napkin. No safety net, no safety net for, for Barry here, no safety net.

By the way, Clarky, cross me. I've posted envelopes for you, you'll get them in a few days. I've never heard you guys have been saying so far in this one. I'm keeping my headphones on for a reason. That reminds me, do you have to pop over to my neighbours because they took a packaging for me the other day and they've been treating me really nicely ever since. That's five hundred quid right there.

I think, yeah, you need to remind them what fucking art to bow, do you know what I mean? All full scenes in the art studio. Is it Stuart? Is that his name? Stuart, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he needs to do something because in action is, you know, bad things happen when good people do nothing. That's it.

You know, doing nothing will, he's condoning the bullion. Side of the side. Side of the side. Yeah. Side you're coming down on, we're all coming down on the side. Pull yourself up, moving side tables is closest to the B.O. table. Yeah. And just solidaricy with it, you know.

It's gotta be solid. It's gotta be solidaricy. Yeah. Beef solved. Beef solved. From the starting I could be! Beef solved. If it wasn't an art studio, that guy would have to go. And it's gonna be solidarity. Yeah, be solved be solved If it wasn't an art studio that guy would have to go Absolutely, if this was like any other workplace then oh my god You got a word when you smelly guys stinky peaters got a guy. Yeah fuck me. Sat next to that old age try to do the accounts nightmare Especially when it gets in the air conditioning in the office building, it starts circulating.

Oh wait, for a second now I thought you meant like the bloke was crawling around like a John McLean. It's like that's a separate problem. That's exactly where you are mate. This is because you're in the heaven doesn't mean. Put your shoes back on for the last time. Oh, what was the last thing you watched that vest? Right, Steve, do you have a beef that you would like us to solve? Yeah, I do.

Is it about the shits in your front garden? No, I want it to be that shits. That's it. That's it. I wrote it, that's not even in my top two beats at my time. That's where my life is at the moment Tom. I, so my new housemate, he, very nice man, but he, and we've been friends for like 10 years, right? So I thought, I knew him.

I thought I knew everything about him. I was aware of what the flaws of our relationship might be going into the house move. But what I've discovered when I've got here is he loves burning stuff. Like more than I would want in a house. He's bought an incinerator,ator and basically a metal tin that sits outside and he just burns stuff rather than recycling it so we're talking any cardboard

from Amazon order like not even stuff that's burnable he was burning aluminium the other day and I get home from gigs and he's just there next to a roaring incinerator, just on his eye, drinking a beer and just shucking a cardboard into it and causing huge environmental damage in the process. And I don't know what to do about it. I don't know if I live a par of maniac. Have you talked about this burning thing? Have you said, how long has the incinerator been in the picture?

We owned an incinerator before we owned a microwave. That's how I have priority. And then as soon as you bought the microwave straight in the incinerator. Is this a simulator? Are we talking about a like a chimney? Are we talking about like is it like an iron kind of thing with a spout? Yeah yeah yeah I I'm looking at it now. It's basically a metal bin with little holes in the bottom and then a sort of... The lid has like a funnel in it. Okay, so it's an incinerator. It's not a chimney, it's an incinerator. It's like a metal bin, it's like a metal bin with holes in the bottom and a

little funnel spout in the dust bin lid. Because that's different to a chimney, yeah. Because I'd say, because my dad's big into chimney ears and that's more like, you know, it's a Friday night, let's have a fire in the back garden, sit around it, tell tales and drink a beer. That feels, it feels a bit more or a fire bit. This is, this is, it's Friday night, let's destroy some shit. Like that's, this stuff relies. Wow.

Wow. Do you think he's burning loads of stuff, but into all of that, throwing in things that might incriminate him in crimes? Yeah. Because like, if he's like, well, I just burn everything, just so happens that yeah, there's gonna be a few human teeth in there. That's just the way it goes and burn everything, don't I? So like, it's just my thing. It feels like, you know, if he's

setting fire to like gloves or workmen's clothes or stuff like that, then it feels like maybe the aluminium is just a cover for the, well, aluminium is a cover, it's the lid. But the, it's just a, it's just a sort of front for all of the other stuff, yes, to burn for just to cover, for the, well, I mean, it is a cover, it's the lid. But it's just a sort of front for all of the other stuff, yesterburn, for keep here my high ranking silver servant out of the, you know, wow, Jay. It's very difficult to know, because, you know, I'm not always here

to witness the burning, that's the thing, guys. I can't watch the incinerator every day, you know, I don't know what else he's burning, I just know I come back sometimes, and there's more ash in there than I was before. So, who knows what he's burnt. We also have a fire pit. So there was a stage where no microwave, we did have a fire pit and an incinerator. So he loves fire, but a fire pit, I think, like you say, like Tom's dad has got, you know, that's a social thing, you know, you're out there. It is social. 3.23 a.m. doing your admin,

uh, pissed out of your mind. You know, just having a good time. Like, having a good time. At my aforementioned birthday party, we're in the garden, the fire pit was on, it was an ice atmosphere. Tom insisted in front of, you know, well, less than 30 guests for legal reasons. Of course.

Sure, sure. That's what we did make the, didn't make the cast. No, comedians were invited to the party. Any podcasters? It's a blanket policy I have. Tom then fired up the incinerator, so we then had two fires going on. The incinerator is way more smoky It's you know, and my guests, you know, they weren't really sure was going on

Why there was some fire at the party And it's difficult to bring that up with someone you know because he's quite drunk and it's like it That's the thing. There's a link to the drinking as well It's like when he drinks he's more like to start a fire and that worries me because we have got the whole garden is wooden decking Right That worries me because we have got the whole garden is wooden decking Right right so it's it's gonna be an inferno at some stage Yeah, you know what one thing I would say I can show you that We're gonna get okay. Yeah, that is that's wooden decking surrounding by Surrounded by wooden fences. Yeah, I can see the incinerator right by the back fence as well.

So if a little spark leaks off, that fence is going up. I need to like it. Big time. If that fence goes up, he's gonna watch it, isn't he? I don't know. He's gonna watch it burn. That's maybe that's why he's bought a house with all wood outside. Just, it's a future prospect.

It's tricky, isn't it? This one? It is tricky because part of me you already have the things I was initially going to suggest you've got to fire pit. I was trying to kind of civilise it but he's clearly he needs a patch. Like a Yeah, exactly. And then all sides are going to be like, well, put in decking down or making it a more civilized space, but clearly he's got that as well. So the only other thing I was thinking is, does not stop him. Maybe he should leave well alone, because maybe it's a niche he needs to scratch,

and this is the best possible way to scratch it. Because if you take away the incinerator and he's got a literal burning desire, what if he starts popping the fence on fire or you know, you sock draw. It might be for the best that he's scratching that it. Yeah, let him do the fire in a controlled bin. Yeah. I mean, he's under a lot of work stress. We know that it's a stressful time

for our DS civil servants. It's a tricky time. And if he is attempting to deal with the pandemic, then maybe he just needs to let off steam in a way that, you know, bowling just won't cut it. Is he someone who doesn't trust the recycling process? Because that's something I've been told on numerous times. It's like, actually, recycling's not that great and they'll ship it off to China and they'll just do bad things with it and like, is he kind of like, is it that he knows more than us? No, no, it's a complete disregard for the environment.

Okay, okay, okay. He doesn't, he doesn't work in the environment department, you know, he doesn't care. Is there a, is there any chance he's burning like government files and stuff? As Whitty got him on the cover up. Yeah, I know you've thought of I thought that could be a whole session. It's like he's the guy you burns all the way. He's cousin Greg. Yeah. Yeah, he could be.

He's the, he's the, he's the, the Patsy. He's the porn who's these high up, if he's I open the civil service, fucking hell, you need to try and intercept some of these fires, Steve. Yeah, there could be a big story here. When he goes out, you're going to go to the embers. I tell you what you might actually need to try and intercept some of these fires, Steve. Yeah. There could be a big story here. When he goes out, you're going to go to the embers. I tell you what you might actually need to do, is you might need to get yourself an incinerator cam. So it's like a small little cam that is permanently,

like pretty much where you're sat, just in the plant behind you, just pointing out towards the garden so you can see every time he goes out there. If he's going out there with big old, you know, big old box files emptying in there, you know, in amongst all the aluminum and the Amazon boxes and stuff, then you know something's up. You could be the whistle blower.

You could save the... You could save the fater than I, this is it. You could save the entire nation. I'll be sat in a parliament she committed like Dominic Cummings going well. I saw him empty Pepe Pepe you get into our dodgy pepe you get into our incinerator exactly Exactly you could be you know what I you know It's very rare that someone says I could be the next Dominic Cummings and means it a positive way But you could be I mean think what I would do for my profile.

Yeah. Which one people didn't know you? You could be really funny as well in that parliamentary, you like committee meeting and like people would be like, oh, I want his funny as well, then you get some bookings for it. Like squeezing a tight five around the evidence. Yeah.

Yeah. So say, way into a bit of a theory, or straight down the lens, you'll straight down the lens. You'll know where the camera is. This is going to lie. Slip in my bit, slip in my bit about shits, Dex, and just hope it lands. If you're live in the Apollo, I hope it'll be watching, surely. Because you know, you know, after he gave evidence, Cummings has been booked for the next

series of the stand-up sketch show. They loved it. I am. Absolutely. They're going to recreate his trip to a castle, yeah. Yeah, it's a good place. The Durham Drive, the Russell Kane in the front of a car.

Oh, I can't see. Perfectly. Leap McQueen playing his wife. It's going to be brilliant. It's going to be real treat. Adam Road checking his eyesight. LAUGHTER I think you've got to keep an eye on that, man.

It's not beef solved, but this is a case we want to hear more about. Beef ongoing. Beef ongoing, yeah. Slow cooking. Well, I'm hoping. What I'm hoping. What I'm hoping is that, because we've just moved into the house. There's a lot of packages and a lot of cardboard.

So I'm hoping it's a phase once we've got through the kind of moving period, there'll be less things to burn, but that, you know, we'll see. We'll see. I mean, I'm going to submit as someone who's recently going to move. I have to do lots of trips to the tip and it's a ball like and there's fun in fire, isn't there? There is fun in there. So you can see where, you know, I can't see where he's funding fire, isn't there? There is funding fire. You can see where, you know, I can't see where he's coming from, but it's not good for the planet. It's not ideal, is it?

But what is these days, eh? Bloody hell. I'm really planning to get in right on my fucking nerves. Anyway, keep us informed. Be fun going. So Steve, thank you so much for coming on the podcast it's been a real pleasure having you on. Oh thank you so much for having me it's been a lovely afternoon. Do you want to tell us before you go about buffering when is

it on where can people see it all of that kind of stuff? Oh yes thank you. Yeah I've got a sitcom coming out on ITV2 called buffering that's written with Ian Sterling Who I think you've had on this show we have a good friend of the show great great He couldn't make it I was actually with him when he got the text I'm gonna really make these guys squet for a little bit. I don't want to be let us do, yeah. It's when you send the WhatsApp and then immediately delete it and have to take the word

e it out and then re-send it with Steven it. Oh, it's always bad. You left the congratulations on the sitcom in the game. Yeah, it's coming out August 5th after Love Island, which is convenient. Smart news. The voice after Love Island, which is convenient. It's the voice of Love Island. So people could just get double-ean sterling on a Thursday night from August 5th. And then it all goes up on the ITV Hub and Boomer could watch it. I think it's good.

I'm really proud of it. I hope people like it. And I'm actually terrified that they won't like it. And I will read about it online. Have ignore of that. Just if you're already happy with it, that's all that counts. That's it, I can't wait to see it. It's not all that counts, is it?

It's not all that counts. No, you're right, you're right, it's not all that counts. Ratings in a recommission, that sort of stuff. But let's not burden you with that at the moment. Just be satisfied in this moment before anyone's seeing it, when it's still, all it exists as a, it exists only as a little Instagram advert. Yeah. That's, it's a great Instagram advert. Yeah.

That's, it's a great time, enjoy it. It is a good time, thank you guys. And thanks for coming on the pod. From the Zoning A to B! Welcome! Well there you go, eh? Like Haley's comment, once every four or five years he appears, I know, hang on, that's a World Cup, isn't it?

Haley's coming in once every, like once, every 50 years, he appears and then he's gone. We won't get in for it. What a boy. It's a tell him. Sorry, you're going to be in your 80s before you're back on the show, Steve. Sorry, mate, we love you. I'm going to return it, it'll be, though. That'll be, yeah.

That is the nature of these celestial beings I'm afraid. You have to make the most of them while you've got them. Whereas, you know, John Robbins, we've got him on every other week, but Steve. But John Robbins is the moon, isn't he? Yeah. He's the moon on the water, certainly.

Yeah. So anyway, I got a talking of Steve Pajaya, which we are. That's the theme of the episode this week, Steve Pajaya. It's talking of Steve. I got a message on Saturday morning, the very sober hour of 11.45 Saturday morning. That's not like, that's not like Abou.

That doesn't feel like. Well, he's about to go to bed, isn't he? Let's be honest. He's turning in. He's lying, he's just lying, staring at the ceiling, chewing the pillow. So he said, genuinely woken up today to find that my house can sort of understand it.

It's mad, but you can sort of understand it. But if he's literally looking around the house going, right, and he's not doing it for a YouTube channel, it's not like, you know, that thing of, does this blend or something. He's not doing it, it does this burn. He's just walking around the house, going, yep, this will go in.

Fuck me, if you're burning wooden spoons you need help. That's... Well, that's intense, that's severe. I mean that's... We're very much shutting the stable door after the horse's bolted. He asked for help. The whole stable door. The stable door's got in the incinerator first, right off. This is stable doors, yeah, stable doors got in the incinerator first, right off. Well, if you have a, if you have a pyromaniac flatmate or indeed any kind of flatmate beef that you'd like to get in touch with us about its beef brothers podcast at gmail.com. We'd love to hear from you. We've got a load of episodes recording very, very soon actually, so it would be great

to get your beef sin beef brothers podcast at gmail.com. Also, don't forget, if you like Steve Bajaya, then there is a whole bonus beef with him over on our Patreon. And honestly, you have to make the most Get him while he's gone, you know. Get him while he's gone. What do you mean, have you, have you burnt Steve? You see the wicker man. So bright. There's a hell of a finesse in the back garden.

Well there you go. So hop on board to the Patreon as well as the bonus beefs. There's a hell of a familiar incinerator in the back garden. Well there you go, so hop on board to the Patreon as well as the bonus beefs. There's also a lovely community of people, there's a lovely way to get in touch, there's a whole bunch of extra podcasts that you immediately get as well. Yeah, get on board. We recommend get that, get that forward tier because you get all of the bonus beefs, you get all of the bonus episodes. It's a coffee, isn't it?

At the end of the day, it's a coffee a month. Exactly. It's a coffee a month for all of this fantastic extra content. And I can tell you now, that money goes directly to us. No, yeah, that's one thing a lot of people say, oh, are you giving some of it to charity and stuff like that? No, we can rest assured.

None of that money is going anywhere. Other than any more. We have found the legal loophole there that we've registered Clarkies a charity. It's not a legal loophole. They took a look at me and I meant fair enough. Is there any way we can help out? Yeah, we're now doing, if you watch any Telly in the middle of the day, we're now doing some quite sad and massive adverts, where we show Clarky's face, place some music over the top, and believe you me, it's really working.

He's just looking longingly at a Crayon Green Bowls club. LAUGHTER The other side of the fence, just £4 a month will buy this man a membership. Just text high-ass to this number, and that puts 10 quid straight in his pocket. Which is wrong with the momenter which just just my arse gradually goes when it hits the target. It digs like a bell doesn't it? Back in the head. The old travel pillow himself. Anyway today's episode was produced as ever by Emma Corsham. Corsham team.

Corsham team. Cheers everyone! I already made this! Hi! Come riddle me this, come riddle me through a Patreon neighborhood watch call for you. Please be upstanding, don't sit and don't squat. We won't be completed till we've done the lot. Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh I'll tell you of someone whose face is crud but their personality is really quite good. They say that she is made out of wood, but I think she is human, her name's Helen Bud.

Okay, alright. Apologies to Helen for saying that her face was crud. I mean, come on, listen, I hate to stop the proceedings this early on, but... I got it to rhyme everything apart from us, and I got trapped in a rhyming pattern of A, A, A, B. I apologise, Helen, and thanks very much. She's actually... She's subscribed for the year as well. She's gone annual Patreon, yeah, and yet we say her... He's just an original face. This is really good.

Can I say that crud, a bit like when Michael Jackson said things were bad, we are saying things could be crud, could mean good, you know, in the same way that when people say things are... It could be, it couldn't rhyme with it. Right. And wait, anyway, I'll tell the... You're not going to be credent, but... Now give me a crud and butt. I said, good and word is what you throw in the middle, though. Carry on. You'll tell the... I'll tell it to me and I'll tell it to Sue and let me tell you I, but it will be funny.

Okay. I'll jump up and down. I'll use a brolly. I'll tell you a tale one final time on. I'll tell you a it's a lovely lime. Daniel Jolly. Daniel Jolly. This is going to take fucking ages. To hear this tale please get up early and know I've eaten a curly, and I'll tell you something I feel quite cherished. Please tell me on about partially. Come on. Come on. No.

OK. All right, now I've got some. I've got that. I've got it. I've got it. I've got it. I've got it now. I know this system works. Okay.

Let me tell you now. Let me hear me. I say, well, I haven't got it actually. You've got it. You've quite got it. I haven't got it at all. Okay, here we go, here we go, here we go. Alright, alright. Okay. Let me tell you now as I'm on my way, I'll tell it through. You'll hear me say, this fellow is a lovely bloke. His name is Chris day.

I told the tale so hard I marked my spleen. What did you do? Oh wow, tell me some hard telling my spleen. Please tell me how about the help me aid in a curtain. I marked my spleen and it hurt a lot. Let me tell you about the hair I've got, this in the shape of a quiff. And I marked the spleen of Max Smith. Oh, I've told the tale so hard and so true.

I've marked my spleen, let me show it to you. I've got it here in a tap away. If only you would only care, but you ran away and say, oh, that's gruesome. And now I'll show it to Jobby Newsom. Joeby? Joeby? Joeby.

Would it be Joeby? Joeby, Joe. Joeby Newsom. I marked my spleen when I tried to teal ice. Please come and help me. Ian Gweedice. Ian Gweedice is a strange individual because they've joined and left the Patreon about eight times.

What's their name? Who is constantly cropping? Often. So thank you. I mean, maybe they just think, well, it doesn't cost any extra to leave at the end of the month and rejoin. And I just, they just like getting, like us mispronouncing their names and getting the, you can get, you

know, if you want to leave and rejoin, get back into the, get double bubble on the, double bubble on the, on the neighbourhood watch rock, or why not? I marked my splintle, my splint fell off, and then I said call, Lee my escoff. I marked my spleen it was totally rocking, and then I called Robert Cocking. I marked my spleen and I bought a Furby, I threw the Furby at Andrew Werby. Who caught the Furby and ate it keen keen. I said don't do that. Help Naomi Oh rhyming keen with Naomi is my only regret. I'll tell it now to Helen Preveter How to hell and prevent And that concludes today's Patriot

neighborhood What's Roco? Bye everyone! Roco! Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes! Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman plotting her course to freedom at a lot for... It's non-stop bonkers brilliance.

I love that. Poor things. It's like theaters December 15th.