Pappy's Flatshare - Beef Brothers Cold Cuts w/Tom Neenan S12E31

Episode Date: August 30, 2022

The Beef Brothers are here to sort out your beef with special guest Tom NeenanTom Neenan - https://twitter.com/TNeenanPappy’s - https://twitter.com/pappystweetIf you have a flatshare-based beef you'd like us to solve then send it to [e-mail] LIVE SHOWSCome and join us at the Phoenix, Cavendish Square on September 5th and 6th as we perform another classic Flatslam double bill.MONDAY: ANIA MAGLIANO & ALASDAIR BECKETT-KINGTUESDAY: JEN IVES & WILL DUGGANTickets are £9 (£15 for both shows)Don't forget you can get a £2 discount with a patreon membership!MONDAY 5TH SEPTEMBER: ANIA MAGLIANO & ALASDAIR BECKETT-KINGhttps://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/flatshare-slamdown-with-ania-magliano-and-alasdair-beckett-king-tickets-403189800547TUESDAY 6TH SEPTEMBER: JEN IVES & WILL DUGGANhttps://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/flatshare-slamdown-with-jen-ives-will-duggan-tickets-403193521677COME TO BOTH SHOWS ON THE 5TH AND 6TH FOR A DISCOUNT https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/pappys-flatshare-slamdown-live-on-monday-5th-and-tuesday-6th-september-tickets-4031816662179th October at The Cheerful Earful festival in Balham - https://www.designmynight.com/london/pubs/balham/the-bedford/cheerful-earful-podcast-festival-day-4Support us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareProduced by Emma Corsham Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman plotting her course to free to pat in love for. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Four things. It's like theaters for December 15th.

Greetings, listener dear, I'm Tom. I'm Matthew and welcome to a very exciting episode of Papi's Flat Share Beef Brothers Cold Cuts. Old friend, welcome back to a format that never quits. It never quits. Now the spam folder is bulging. I check it on the, I check it on the reg now. I'm checking it every couple of minutes. Oh, we've got a new lease of life now.

I can tell you the flood gates have opened and we are drowning in beef. It's great, but that says... It says there's a new lease of life. That said, if you do want to send your beefs, please do send your beefs in to beefbrotherspodcast at gmail.com. Beefbrotherspodcast at gmail.com. We would love to hear from you. And your beefs could be solved by a fantastic guest,

like the one we've got today, Tom Nienin, who's absolutely brilliant. A true gentleman of the comedy world, Tom Nienin. A true gentleman of leisure as well. Exactly, he used to be in a double act with Nish Kumar, the gentleman of leisure. It's from your first met him, I would say. Great.

One of the best comedy writers in town, he works on a whole bunch of stuff. Yeah. Very, very funny. Yeah, and he's also a very talented painter as well, or illustrator. He is, yeah. Yeah, it's always, you know, like, because basically this is basically all we've got, really, is all we've got. And then you meet people who are not only kind of more brilliant than you, but also have other talents that they don't even make. Or like, yeah. Hobbies.

Hobbies that are better, like, I think he is a better caricaturist than I am a professional joke writer. Yeah, so it's unbelievable. He's great. Anyway, he's coming up on the podcast, so look's unbelievable. He's great. Anyway, he's coming up on the podcast, so look forward to that. But first, we've got to, we've got to promote the flat-shell slam downs that are coming up on,

we simply must. We simply must promote the ones that are coming up, start of next month, September the 5th and 6th, we have got two flat-shell slam downs back to back, the Monday. And why do we like them? Exactly as we are. Exactly.

Monday is Ani Amagliano and Alistair Beckett King, two brilliant performers, Tuesday, Gen, Ives and Will Duggan, also two brilliant, brilliant performers, currently all off at the Edinburgh Festival. So if you don't get a chance to see them off at the Edinburgh Festival, this is very much the next best thing. See them slightly out of their comfort zone.

Have them play games. Have them play games. Have them play games. See them desperately for teed from a month at the Fringe as well. All four of these acts are falling into the trap. You should never book yourself anything in September if you've been up at the Fringe. We are very early in September, so we're going to be, let's find out just what they've got left in the fringe. And we are very early in September. So we're going to be, you know, let's find out just what they've got left in the tank.

Yeah, good. Four performers coasting on fumes. And the three of us, it'd been coasting on fumes for the last seven years. So it really is going to be a night, a night that will definitely in some way happen. So that is, if you want to go to Eventbrite.com at UK and search for Fappies, FlatShare, slam down. Tickets are available there. If you are a member of the Patreon, tickets are, I think, seven quid each,

as opposed to nine quid. If you want to go and see both shows together, they are tickets of 15 pounds for both nights together. It's a real treat. I think you should definitely go and book that right now. There'll be a link in the show. I think you should. I think you should go and do that now. Right now. Stop whatever you're doing. Book the tickets then come back to this episode and Enjoy it. This is this is the wonderful Tom Nenen for a beef brothers cold cuts.

I'm calling a problem, if you've got a problem, call it a bee. If you've got a bee, maybe we can help you be from the zoning out your bee. Right, so Tom Neenan. Hello. Tom Neenan. Tom Neenan, everybody. It's me. It's Tom Neenan. Of course Tom Neenan, of course, who else would it be?

When you say Tom Neenan, you expect it to be Tom Neenan, right? You see, you picture my face and that's how that's how the human brain works. And there's no getting around it. A name synonymous with yourself. Guilty as judge. It's great to have you on the podcast. So let's talk about your flat living arrangement. Certainly.

What's your setup and what kind of a person you to live with? I think I'm a good person to live with. So I live in a house because I stopped eating avocados guys. It turns out that is the key. I'm quite tidy. I like tidying up. The only thing is I'm very territorial over the TV. I really want to have, I can't really abide, for instance, Cosby, I know you love love islands. Could be, I couldn't handle that. I couldn't handle knowing that there was love island going to be on, I need to basically,

you can't stand the idea there's even inside the box. Even if you can. Yeah. Not necessarily if you're going to be watching it, but if it's on in your house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If I just hear it, I couldn't even give you a funny bit of dialogue that I might hear, because I'm not saying this in a sort of boasty way. I just have no idea what kind of stuff gets said. They meet by the fire. Welcome to Love Island. That nailed

it. That's one of them. See you next week on Love Island. That's nailed it. That's not a bad sterling. That's one of them, isn't it? That's not a bad story, yes. So you're next week on Love Island. Great. It's been very, very slow, we've further down the country. Chris Rams is taken over, right? Yeah, but he's probably so.

Yeah. Call for me. What would you love Island? Love Island. Love Island. Love Island. OK, canvy Island. Yeah.

Yeah. So you won't, you won't,, it's a your tidy, but you're also a snob. How many people would you live with Tom? I live with my wife. Oh, that's a relief. I didn't want you kind of managing the TV taste of five or six people. No, no, that would stress me out way too much because I think, I don't know, I find it already stressful when we have to settle on, basically the whole living situation

is just an argument over what series we're gonna be watching next. So yeah, that would be, I have the idea of having other voices in that who could say, nope, only murders in the building please and I'd be like, already seen it, better call Saul, and it would just become like,

yeah, it would become a war of attrition in front of the TV, maybe ugly. Is there a world where your wife is getting up at two o'clock in the morning to cram ITV2 or be gonna... Like a secret lemonade drinker type vibe. Definitely, she's sneaking down, she wants to see the stand-up sketch show.

She's like, but knows that I can't. She doesn't. Exactly, good show. It's good show, it's a lot of fun. And yeah, and she'll be secretly watching chances are she will be up. She won't be waking up at two. She'll have been still awake to two, if that makes sense. Oh, yeah. That's when the best stuff on ITV2 kicks in. Yeah, yeah. She's watching a lot of American dad.

She loves it. That alien. Well, it's just to American dad. Oh, come on up next. I love it, I love to American dad, that alien, what is it? Well it's just to American dad. Oh, coming on next, don't look at the American dad. Tom, can I just ask, are you the continuity announcer for ICV2? Guilty, yes. What a twist. Those little rubber ducks and stuff that they...

I'd say the best identity on ICV2, they have the best identity, some of the all kind of interstitials. You tune in just to catch that, but it's going up. It's going up. Yeah, no, thank you. I want to see those little bouncy donuts that they have, and then I'm gone.

Bouncey donuts, it's BFI Play-A-Tool Midnight. Movie, I want to be on movie. Only movie in the building. Exactly. That's what it says above my door, the front door, to warn people. So are you, is there things that you would like to see that your wife isn't interested at all? Is there anything that you go like, oh that's just hanging in the balance, I'm never

ever going to see that. If it had safe, it's got a horror tinge. If it's a bit brutal, the new Game of Thrones probably, she's not gonna be into that, but I want to see the new Game of Thrones. So stuff like that will end up being after a scene. Here's my question for you. What's your compromise watch? What's the furthest you're prepared to go away from your own taste?

Yeah, towards her taste and her for you. What's the furthest you're prepared to go on your own taste? On your own taste. Yeah, towards her taste and her for you. What's her taste? We've projected ITV to onto her. Which is a great way to watch Love Island's by the way. I think it's serious, Love Island, off of Tom Nienin's wife's back. Back, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Put some nice crisp shirts, like, Andre Brattamann. And, like, here we go. My wife and I sit with her face in the other way. She's watching something else entirely, she doesn't mind. Pop's collar. Pop's collar if you want subtitles. Yeah. She's watching film 4 on my belly, isn't it?

To weird set up you two have. Yeah. And we recently watched The Wilds to answer your question, which was a good compromise. I don't know if you see that. Love half. Yeah, and we recently watched the Wilds to answer your question, which was a good compromise. I don't know if you see that. Love it. Yeah, absolutely love it. Yeah, I've not seen them in some most recent series of it,

but the first series that was great stuff. It's really good. That's the sort of stuff that my wife and I watch, basically stuff that's probably meant to be watched by a 16 year old girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, right? It's like that I never have I ever. I keep recommending a choice.

Never have I ever. Yeah, I love that. I keep recommending a choice of people, and they're like, is this like something off have I ever. I keep recommending. Never have I ever. Yeah, I love that. I keep recommending to those people and they're like, is this like something off the Disney Channel? You're recommending. The other one is panic. Panic was another one where they get like high schoolers due dares and it's like cool, and it's in America.

I've not seen panic, but sounds good. Well worth it. Sound worth it, my alley. So yeah, so what's, so it's a compromise, it's the wilds, compromises. Yeah, that's gonna get it. That is a sits in the middle. Bit of a go. Bit of time, yeah, so what's, so it compromises the wilds, compromises? Yeah, that's gonna be... That is a sits in the middle, yeah. Bit of gore. Bit of time, yeah.

Gore for me, a little bit of nasty, quarterising wounds for me, and then ladies sort of getting on for her, because that's what women like, isn't it? And is multi-screening an option in this situation? I mean, I'm so awful. I've got, I have, I don't know about you guys, I have like four screens at once.

I am, I love my laptop, I love my phone, I'll have the TV. I have like a game, I'll just get a game boy or like a Nintendo DS, just to like round it off. There are some shows where I'm like, I'm gonna give this, you know, I'll dane them with my full attention, like, you know, oh, a better call saw, they've only spent like, you know, a million hours making this the best show on TV. So I'll tell you what, I'll give them my full attention for an hour.

For a bit. Yeah, exactly. Which is obviously, you know, like, but like being an Edinburgh, like, you go like, okay, you've got an hour and then I'm off, yeah. I have that, I have basically that rule for all tele. I will put my phone in another room. I'll put it in the kitchen, or it will be, if I'm not watching it,

if I have to have it in the room, like I'm streaming from the phone, I'll have the phone on a different piece of furniture to the one I'm sitting on. That's impressive. So that is the rule I have for all telly, weirdly not the role I have for my own children. Yeah, which is, you've got to draw the lines.

It's really nice. I've got to have a writer's room, no. Do you ever have to pretend at the last minute that you're taking a photo of them when your wife comes in? Are you on your, no, look, look adorable. Just recording a voice note about how much I love my whole family. It's adorable picture. It's going to be an audio montage.

I was going to give you a birthday, sorry about that. No, look, it looks like you're just replying to Owen Jones on Twitter. What's that? It just looks like that. It looks like that. It's a lock screen. I'm sending him a photo of our chocolate. This get to know. This is who you're fighting for. This is the future that you're fighting for. Keep up the good fight, brother. Yeah. That is watertight.

Be from the starting at your beef! What's up? Solves and beefs here. Yeah. Only beefs in the building. I've got only beefs in the building. In the building. Perry, do you want to start us off?

Groundhog Day dinner beef from Rebecca. Fire beef brothers podcast at gmail.com. Please get in touch, or thank you for getting in touch. And sorry, Matthew didn't check his folder where the junk the hill was going and you've been sending lots of beefs. And now we've found them. Well, can I say as well, a little addendum to that. So Tom, just to bring you up to speed, basically I put out an appeal going,

no one sends us any beefs for this podcast. I don't know what's going on. You know, we know there are loads of people listening, why aren't you sending us beefs. And after doing like, what was about an eight and a half minute appeal on one of our pods recently, I then found out they just all been going to spam. Oh no.

They all include the phrase, please help me, or can you help all this kind of thing? Which is like all phishing emails. But now we've got a new thing where people who've sent them before that I have seen I have started sending them going, oh I guess this one one must have been in the spam. No mate. No. Oh dear. We're so sorry. Sorry, excuse us God, man. Great Hog Day dinner beef from Rebecca, please help me. My housemates slash fiancee of 22 years.

Limey. I mean, or 22 year engagement. Well, 22 year engagement. Well, is it like 20 years of housemate, two years of fiance? I don't know. I don't know. That's quite, there's a romance to that, isn't there?

Yeah, well, there's a romance to that, isn't there? Yeah, that's almost a title. We've already got, there's already something to dig into there. Please help me. So my housemate, if you aren't, say, have 22 years, loves to cook the same meal for two or three days on the trot. He doesn't batch cook. He'll prepare fresh exactly the same meal day after day. He knows loads of recipes so it's not

lack of choice and I work in a shop so it's not lack of access to. By the third and fourth day even if it's a meal I like the idea of the same thing puts me off. I have suggested having the meal on all to the days. I've suggested I cook something instead and I've behaved like an ungrateful child refusing to eat it. Nothing seems to get him out of this routine. I'm very appreciative that he cooks for me. How can I break the cycle without hurting his feelings? Thank you, team-pappies and guest, Tom Neenan, for your invaluable input to my admittedly, quite trivial in the grand scheme of things, dilemma.

Bye, Rebecca. Rebecca, I don't think this is trivial. No, that's all. That's amazing. See, it's really odd. Now, it's really odd. It's really odd. Are there any, and I'm talking about with Tom's here,

are there any kind of go-to meals? It's often a lunch, isn't it, because it's something you can do quick that you go, I could probably much eat that two or three days on the bouts and not really think too much about it. Are there anything like that that you would ever do? Up 100%. Oh, I could, I think if someone,

like if someone said you have to have the same meal for the rest of your life, I would just think like, well, that's some choice that's been removed from me and now I'd have to worry about it I'll just have you know fish and mash every day a bit of parsley sauce You've got to fish a mash The whitest meal it's possible Oh, you've gonna regret that the moment you left it

I'm sorry the genie has to accept the first answer We've got to go with fish and mash. I'm afraid. Oh, you've specified fish and mash. And mash, parsley sauce. And I'm gutted about that decision. I could have gone for something else. Do we know what the meal is, by the way?

Well, I guess it's a different, I'm guessing it's a different meal each week, right? But that repeats every single day. So, sometimes I feel guilty for having, I fall into a bit of a pattern now of the same roster of meals every week. You know what I'm saying? I've got my Emma Rockies. But you know, like, I've got my kind of menu for the week now, and I'm kind of a little

bit on repeat. But I felt guilty enough of that, but doing the same meal, three days on the trot. That's a lot in it. It's not even tap wearing it up and going, well that'll, you know, I can, you know, either have the same thing again. That makes perfect sense. Yeah, or repurposing it in a different way, you know, I can, you know, either the same thing again. That makes perfect sense. Yeah, or repurposing a different way, you know. A spag bowl, a pasta bake.

Exactly, exactly where I am. Maybe turn it into a pasta bake or something. Yeah, exactly. Oh, hello. Ooh. A little bit of, yeah, when you've got your minced, you know, I've never sort of had a bit of hot sauce to it and you know, a bit of cheese.

Make it a breeze. I do know, isn't it? I do know. It sounds great. Do you ever spice up your fish and mash, Tom? No. I've got... No, it can still do some...

I've got... I've got a fish and mash, chimichanga here for any of the options. Absolutely. Got it, that was the first thing I got my mouth. That was... Fish and man. Oh, boy was Oh, that's a disaster Obviously there's like there are your bodybuilders There are people who are into their bodybuilding

and they have like just your chicken and your broccoli every single day Of course, of course So maybe that kind of thing, unless it's Morgan Spurlock and you're getting, you're just getting McDonald's 24-7 Oh sorry, yeah sorry, I should have read that bit. PS, my fiance is Morgan Spurlock. Oh no, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Can you, in my case, turn to have another idea? And... If... It does feel like some kind of psychological challenge that's being issued here. But yeah, here are my two thoughts. I think it's some kind of psychological challenge and I'm really trying to get my hand round it. But I'm gonna launch a small defense just in the interest of parity, which is I'm gonna say,

we apply that technique to breakfast, I know I'm batten eyelid. Oh, mate. That's a really good point. That's really, really good, yeah. Like that's really good. You very happily have exactly the same breakfast. Every single one of you is going to be like, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, we apply that technique to breakfast and no one bats an eyelid. Oh, mate. That's a really good point. That's really, really good.

Yeah. That's really good. You very happily have exactly the same breakfast every single morning. You don't think twice. Everything's great. Bosh. He's applying the breakfast method to another meal. Yeah.

And we're hanging him out to dry for it. So I'm just going to put that out there. What if all the breakfasts are like some kind of beef airy? If every single breakfast is like today, you've got Shakshuka, tomorrow it's gonna be full English. He's doing Kedury. Yeah. I'd love it. I mean that could be the case. He's not just sitting down for a bit of toast and maybe some rice crispies. Yeah. He's really pushing the boat out.

This is the heartbreaking bit. I have suggested having the meal on alternate days. That is not a desperate plea. That is so reasonable. Can we just on alternate days? Let's go Monday and Wednesday with this meal. Yeah. And he's refusing. I can't get my head round it. That. Unless, are we in the realm of, and Tom, you're probably on aware of this kind of parlance, not being on ITV too.

Sure. Viewer. Are we in the world of a freaky eater? Oh, yes. It's not like that guy who's been on TikTok a lot because they found clips of him from the early naughty. He's guy like, this family is disgusting, that guy. Have you seen him?

He's that. I don't know who that guy is, but it sounds very much like that kind of thing. When there was a lot of sort of shame-based food television, you know, or hell, it kind of, it inverts his invention. That was the name of our production company. It was an English television. We have it so good in the early naughty's time, you wouldn't believe us. Oh my goodness, the commission were rolling in.

I'll tell you what, fish and mash, we never had a sea of that in the evening. That's both the early naughty's and the 70's, because that would be a comedy double act, wouldn't it, a fish and mash? Yeah, that would be terrific. Yeah. But maybe, is he a freaky eater? He's a because otherwise, what are we up against here?

But weren't freaky eaters? Didn't they eat sort of insane stuff like, you know, ceiling tiles and stuff like that? That was a freaky. That was a freaky. Yeah. I don't think that was freaky eaters after hours. Yeah. That he's slender man. You like that is freaky That was freaky to nights

The normal freaky to be like I only eat four fish fingers every single meal or chip It's just mainly chips isn't it was never like a hypothetical game here though of like Maybe the first time it happened. Yeah, you get home. I've made you, okay, sausage, mash and peas, lovely. Lovely, lovely. The next day, you get home and there's sausage, mash and peas. Yeah. And you're going to go, okay, I'm going to let that ride. But it's, we didn't have it last night, didn't we?

Maybe you have to get those sausages used up. But the third sausage sausage mash and peas. Yeah. That's a big conversation. Why are you trying to dispose of a body? Because it's going on. It's not this big. Yeah.

The mash takes an awful lot like brains. Yeah. Sush has got fingernails on him. What's going on here? What, I mean, you're not worried as well. If you come home, Susch is a matrimaphase and then also, somehow, he's got all last night's telly, he's got it recorded and it's playing it again.

So then you're like, and he's trying to convince you your groundhog dating. Oh, yeah. That might be what's going on. Maybe. You know what, the Groundhog Day is a great example. I was thinking about, because what he does in Groundhog Day is attempt to make it better and better. Right?

Yes. When I first heard this, I thought of an interview I read years and years ago, back in the 90s, with Liam Howlett of the Prodigy. Sure. And they sort of said to him, Fat of the Land, got some amazing songs in it. Quite a lot of it's quite samey. And he went, here's the thing,

every day I go into the studio and try to do the best version of the same song. Firestarter is breathed. Like all of these things, I'm trying to write this song like, and I'm trying to get it as good as I possibly can. And maybe that's what he's doing. Maybe one day, maybe one day's the worst as well.

With sketchies, doesn't it really? LAUGHTER We only really wrote four sketchies in a 10-year career before we started. Yeah. He's different. Different costumes. Different volumes.

You're saying that he's trying to achieve some kind of like sausage mash and peas, novana. Yeah. Well, like exactly. Yeah. I mean, Clark likes to talk about that sushi chef who had dreamed of her sushi. Oh, he had a dream of sushi. Yeah.

The Michelin star guy. You know, isn't that just he's doing the same thing over and over? No, isn't that what the best chefs do actually? Any Michelin star chef is just reproducing the same perfect meal over and over and over again. Is there another bit in the email where she just explains that like for a whole 10 years before he started cooking he was just folding napkins. The folding towels over and over again before he was ready. He's a Michelin star chef sorry she has left that out. That is mad, is it a hero here, a dream to sushi

that he makes his apprentices, just like, fold towels for like two years before they can even touch a bit of fish? I feel like you get most of your sushi learning through touching fish, right? I'd say, 90% of it. I would worry that I would be on autopilot and I would serve up a load of napkins too. You get to use it, yeah.

It's hard, you had me coiling cables for four years before you let me go on my. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha top hats out of bits of cardboard for three years before every new sketch comedy. And it was, I respect it. So we need to give, like we've, we've, we've talked about for, you know, for, for, plenty of time, how absolutely cracker Jack this whole situation is. But what's our advice to our friend Rebecca? Because, you know, crucial thing, she said she tried to cycle. Yeah, she's trying to punch different feelings.

Um, okay, I'm'm gonna sound like an absolute shell here. I'm gonna sound like I'm in the pocket of big, of big menu box. But gusto, gusto, gusto, hello fresh, just one of them, right? Yeah, if they were a part one. If they were a sponsor, we'd be happy to do it. Exactly. Yeah, she works in a shop though, right? So maybe she can do it at her. She can bring her own gusto to the proceedings. Got you. I love the fact she says, I work in a shop, which I really like because most people would sort of say what kind of shop, but I like the, she probably lives in some kind of like story book village where there's like a shop. The local shop, yeah, everything. I think it's quite nice.

It could be some sort of like tiny little hamlet where I mean, you know, she's known as the local shopkeeper, he's known as the local nutcase. Oh, I love the characters. What, they could be stuck in a children's, because you would have to say meal every night in a children's TV show, wouldn't you? That's true.

Rebecca, please do get back in touch with us to tell us if you're stuck in touch with your own TV show. We will jump inside of CBBC and try and pull you out. Right, so yeah, I think that, it is this very simple key to it, right? You work in a shop, you've got access to plenty of ingredients.

So you need to come home with a surprise ingredient every day and ready to study cook it and be like, here's your, here's your culinary challenge. Make turn it into a game and, you know, see if that can break the monotony. Yeah, the one there is that you, he cooks the meal and then has but a side of mashed turnip You know like He just does it the way it's perfume a possible What about this as a sort of a version of that so you don't just bring the ingredient you know 22 years together We know that

Keep it keep it fresh keep it spicy but coming up with theme date nights, right? So you say, we're gonna do Italian night, right? We're gonna do Italian night, and then you can't be so it's sausage and mash and the beast. I'm not again. I'm not fresh, it's the sausage. Get out of here. I know.

You can't just put it down on the table and say, mama mia, that doesn't count. But yeah, like you do, you do, you do, you do Brazilian night, you do, Argentinian night, you do Indian night, you know. Obviously I'd focus on the food for those rather than on any kind of, you know, you just just focus on the cuisine, really.

Anyway, we're going to go into that, but yeah, sure. I think that could be a way of, you know, he'll realise that if I want to make this night fun for both of us, I've got to bend my rigid menu to fit the theme. I feel like this could be it. I like it a lot. Yeah, I like that a lot as well. After 22 years, I think not only will you find that you might be spicing up your kitchen, you might be spicing up some a lot as well. After 22 years, I think not only will you find it, you might be spicing up your kitchen, you might be spicing up some other bedrooms as well.

Well, what that mean. So, lately, take that fish and mash, smear it all over your body. And then, so you go to town with each other. I'm the ending. Be soft. Oh no. Be soft.

I'm from the starting,.com BEEH! Soft! Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman planting her course to freedom at in Lutford. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that.

Four things. It's like theaters December 15th. This is from Kate, via beefbrotherspodcast.com. Can you touch, please? Yes, please. Hello. I'm one of the Pappy's fans who has selfishly chuckled along to many a beef while never offering up my own. Thanks for all the podcasts, I genuinely love them.

Oh, nice. That's so nice. That sort of stuff always gets you to the top of the pile, by the way. The beef could be terrible, but if it started to be the compliment, weirdly, those ones never end up in the spam folder, do you? Yeah. Strange, but. Andy, also to your guest, Tom, I really enjoy the hauntinging, although it's clear that some episode you spend more time on than others. She's got to be banged to her rights there.

Wow, wow, yeah. That is incredibly precious. Yeah. And there she did that. Me and my flatmate, brackets, husband and other have been together for eight years and happily married for three, but married for six. So why does he have me down on my as my full name in his phone? First name and last name. Like him a business contact, he met at a conference once, not someone he shares a bed with and who washes his pants. Is he worried about mixing me up with another Kate? Can he not deduce that the Kate what's sapping to ask him to pick up some milk is his wife

and not another lesser Kate? I should be the main Kate. I'm not asking for him to do anything cringey, like change my contact name to wifey pops with a smattering of heart emojis. But surely a phone contact entry should be, what do we say? Front names only for your flipping wife, cheers, bye.

Oh, this is brilliant. That's a pure beef. I love it. When I see other people, I'm gonna name names, Ellis James. When I see Ellis James, and it rings and it says, Izzy Souti, you go, Oh, come on.

Come on, you've got two kids now, surely. Your feet are under the table enough to say, I could take the city off. Well, in Ellis James' credit though, when he met Izzy Sutty, she was Izzy Sutty. Like, if I started going out with a celebrity, their full name staying in my phone, it's not, you know,

Dobby O'Peach show, that would be, that would be So we have to cut the shy cards without we'd have to reveal full names, but what is your we're all married here? What's your married partner in your phone as? Front name front name second name a nickname Let's lay it out there front name Charlie just front name. Yeah, and the number of times I, I will, like, for some reason as well, this is the mad thing about my phone. I don't know why.

If you type Charlie into the little search at the top to find the name, it will always find me every other Charlie I've ever met. You're Codealer, first of all it is. The number of times I've nearly sexed Charlie Baker. I'm the leaf, but yeah, but so no. I always, always, always Charlie and I don't know. There must have been a, it's too long now to remember,

but there must have been a period when I went, nope, I'm losing the last name. I'm just making you Charlie in the phone. I'm gonna be, I'm full name. Oh! Full name! Here we go, right here we say. You know what, I was a misunderstanding, I once saw my name in her phone, which is a

weird thing. She'd lost her phone and I was calling it and I found it. And I was Tom Meenan in brackets, ice. And I thought I was so cool. The coolest guy in the world, it's in case of emergency. So that is... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I mean that's, yeah. And what about Mr. Perry? What are you rocking? Well, yeah, not good actually.

I'll say my wife has me in as Tom Perry. So I'm in her phone as, even though I'm named Tom Perry Wix, because we're married. So she's kind of dead naming it. She's dead naming it, yeah. Yeah. And she's in mine as wife,

because the capitals, which obviously happened immediately post wedding because it was very exciting having been husband and wife. And I kind of did it and I thought, oh, she'll have me as husband and there you go. And I've just solidly stayed as Tom Perry in her phone. Interesting.

This all comes from a paranoia I have about someone getting my phone and it started when I was at secondary school and I first got a phone and I was really worried that someone would get my phone because he couldn't really lock them back then, could you do this sort of thing, and then go to like, my mob and then send like something horrible, like because it's, and that was always my practice. So I want everyone in there, it is their full name, nothing else. So that's my paranoia.

So you've got your own parents in as their full name. I've full named them, yeah. No, what? Everyone's full named. So the paranoia, somebody getting your phone and sending them a rude emoji, is so great that you still have your that Unvelling so what happens for you in terms of ice

Someone's got a pot look I would in that case. I hope if I'm on the ground something's happened to me An emergency situation they would look at my phone and go to my recents and just see the person that I call sort of basically every day. And then obviously they didn't call in, you know, Betfair. But like, once that has been, you know, they go, oh, that's your person. And see that, yeah. Poor old Charlie, Baker's getting a call. We've got this guy. He's been hit by a bus. So there's really nothing he can do. Good man to have her under the emergency, I guess. Absolutely, yeah. He said you load a dick pic, so you must know very well.

What about the covert changing? Ever coverted, like, covertly changed your, like, contact or someone else's contact in someone else's phone? Yes. For a bit of a laugh. Yes. In fact, weirdly, bit of a laugh. Yes. In fact, weirdly, this is so odd. But is he city?

I changed. Yeah. So the other day, because I was going to go and see Izzy at the so-home and she was sort of me out with a ticket. And she was just like, she was screen grabbing who she was getting tickets for and sent into our agent. And she's forgotten. I'm in her phone as Mr. Party Pants.

Because we did a gig, and this is a gig probably now, 13, 14 years ago, we did a gig together at Tom's, cousin's hotel. Tom's cousin used to run this brilliant hotel and would book us all to do comedy gigs. We were all basically open spots and had no right to be doing comedy, to pay pay good money and then we would get absolutely blasted on like very expensive whiskey afterwards. And for some reason he's no longer the man who that hotel. That hotel no longer exists. But it was great fun and we'd always get blasted. And one night for some reason, I don't know, you know, I genuinely might have been saying to Izzy,

why is Ellis, why is Ellis got Izzy City as a full name in there? I'll tell you what, I'm getting your phone and changing my name to Mr. Partypants. But yeah, so that's, I'm definitely Mr. Partypants. Am I still in your phone as Vernon Kay? You are in my phone as Vernon Kay. Yes, you are. And I occasionally, someone will see the phone ringing and go, do you know Vernon Kay?

If I did, I'd be putting him under a false name. The reason Tom's in my phone is Vernon Kay and I've never changed it. So this is now, this is 12 years ago. We'd had a terrible, it was my 30th birthday. We'd had a terrible gig in Leicester. Oh no. And it was just been, it was Leicester comedy festival, it put us up in a cinema, it would be a tough old gig.

There was one audience member who was really kind of getting into it, really enjoying it. And at the break, they came up to us and said, oh yeah, we've removed her. We're like, what? Yeah, she was making too much noise. Like, it's not an actual cinema. It's a comedy gig.

She was literally in the fucking laughing up and they kicked her out. I was only miserable time. And I was having a KFC in the car. Feeling like this is not the way to turn third. This is your 30th birthday. This is my 30th birthday. But the KFC in the car, and then suddenly my phone starts ringing. I start buzzing with text messages.

And it was around the time when Vernon Kay had been caught done sexting a page three girl. Yeah. And so Tom, during the break, had changed his name in my phone to Vernon Kay. Love sending me absolute grumble. That was a good one. It took my mediocre birthday and absolutely turned it around.

I was laughing my head on my phone. I loved it so forever now. Tom is Vernon Kaye. To the point, because I saw obviously see your name a lot in, or see Vernon Kaye in my phone lot, occasionally I will see like Vernon Kaye written down in listings, guys. Not very often, but sure. But I will see it.

I'll see it written down. I'll be like, my brain will have to do that little thing first. Oh, that's tough. No, of course, it's not tough. Tom's your name is very good. I was parrying myself again on the family fortunes. That's it. Is it turned up the books?

Good for him, actually. Yeah. I can see it coming before I play. Great work. Oh, wow. I love those. Are we heading towards a solution, which could be a fun, not a nickname, but like a fun sort of in-joke name.

Fun in-joke name, that's the way to do it. Fun in-joke name. And I think, you know, like it's obviously, we're not condoning anybody picking up their partner's phone and going through it, that's very much a, you know. That's a trust level you have to establish yourselves. But if there's some fun way of incorporating, you know, a little joke.

Just all you need is just a little bit of, just a little bit of good nature. It makes you smile every time, every time you look at your phone. You're like, oh, that's reminded me of a time we came up with a joke about something that could be quite enjoyable, I don't know. I think it's nice, yeah.

Something that's personal just to you guys. You know, could be quite enjoyable, I don't know. I think it's nice, yeah. Something that's personal just to you guys. You know, like, I have another suggestion, which is less fun, perhaps. Okay. Which is. Let's close on that. You've got to track down and find someone with your name and bring them into your husband's life. And then at some point, he's going to need to take her number,

the decorment approach. And it's going to be, you know, Kate, Janet, Janet. Yeah, I'm actually okay, Janet. Yeah, everyone knows Kate Janet. It's too hard to find. Yeah. Whatever, you know, the surname's, whatever it is, Janet, or whatever. There's Kate Janet now. And then he's going to go, oh, I'm married to Kate Janet. So then one of you's going to have to go and I bet,

one of you's going to have to change, and I bet he'd change you. Next thing you know, she's looking at her phone and she's there under Kate Janet brackets too. And that would be the... ha ha ha ha ha. Then you're in trouble, aren't you? What? Whoa.

Well, it's yet if the other one is Kate Janet 2.0.. Hopefully that's beef solved. Yeah. Beef from the starting out your beef! It's soft! Right, this is a very exciting moment now because this is our first ever official, it's our first ever official free range beef. Free range beef. Free range beef.

We're moving outside of the flat to see if anyone has any beef outside of the flat. This is, before we've realized they're all going to the spam fold, this is our way of growing it a little bit. So do we have a sting or anything for a jingle for a free range beef? We don't, but Tom, if you'd like to give us

a little something, just a little holding sting, we're really good. Okay, it's gonna be a little seen, if that's okay. Oh, lovely, great. Let's say this steak is very tender, sir. That's a, is because it's free range beef. Brown out. Oh, I love, that was, that was a great, you know,

the words and the music there. It was like, bloyed Weber and Tim Rice, the first time we got together. It was a perfect pair, right? I'm regretting the double serve there. I wanted to differentiate between the two characters of the diner and the waiter, but I don't think I did that well enough. So I'll have to deliver it now.

We're not going to go back. I loved it. I loved it. I've clicked on up and used it every time. The old double serve itself. Right, this is a pitch share beef from Gareth. Sorry, so that's what? A pitch share beef. OK. OK, not a pitch share beef from Gareth. Sorry, so that's what. A pitch share beef.

Okay. Okay, not a flat share beef. Oh, a pitch share beef. Oh, football. Ah, the beautiful game. Ha ha ha. Green team's happy, his caution team and a steamed guest. Now we're allowed to present you with beef from Pastures

other, I'd like to share a football pitch-based beef with you. I play every Monday on a pitch that we have booked and paid for from 6.30pm. We have it for an hour and then another group promptly kicks us off at 7.30pm and I mean promptly too. The problem is that sometimes local ruffians are already on the pitch when we arrive. I'm pretty certain they don't pay, but it's might having no entitlement to any pitch time, they tend to overrun and mill about delaying the start of our game. I'm doubtful, winging or get us anywhere.

I remember teenagers from the time when I was one. Threatening isn't really an option, we're not going to be dating a bunch. Any creative solutions, many thanks, garrath. Okay, so they're being bullied. By some adults, they're being bullied. They're being bullied by some adolescence here. Tough.

I will say one thing, there's something about, I don't know, it just takes me back to school days, but there's something about a group of, if I say a group of men, my age, playing five aside, I go fine, not a problem. If I say a group of kids, even if, playing five aside, I go fine, not a problem. If I say a group of kids, even if they're like, sort of 12, 13-year-olds, I suddenly like tense up and I don't know what's gonna happen.

And I don't know if I have to, you know, if I'm going for a jog in the park and I see some kids, I don't want to keep the football to me because I don't want to have to kick it back. But B, I'm just worried, I don't know what they're gonna do, they're not gonna invite me in for a game. They're sitting there, stay in the men jogging around the park, there's no way they can involve me. So I don't know what it're going to do. They're not going to invite me in for a game. They're sitting there Staying in jogging around the park. There's no way they can evolve me

So I don't know what it is, but something very anxiety making about that situation. I'd take it even that outside of Playing football. I just think on a playing field Yeah, any group of more than four Teenagers on a playing fields terrifying danger danger danger danger See when that first started I was worried that what they turn up at the pitch and on a playing field. Terrifying. Danger, danger, danger. When that first started, I was worried that what they turn up at the pitch, but the kids aren't even playing football. I thought they'd be just sat in a circle around a barbecue

sharing a joint or something, and then you're in trouble. These people do not respect any laws. They're all huffing those balloons. You're going to have to crack. Having a barbecue, though. Yeah. I don't know why I think young people get up to nowadays. They're enjoying their lovely plate of fish and mash and a jet. Yeah.

Because I know when I've got the munchies, there's nothing I like more. Yeah. You can put a parsley sauce on the barbecue, mate. The boy in the bag fish with the scoop of mash on the side. Yeah. He's the boy in the bag fish. You're right.

Of course he's the boy in the bag fish. Yeah. Right, right. So what do we do? Well, one of my suggestions here is, again, you're trying to avoid confrontation. Yeah. Well, two suggestions. I'll leave my first on, which is obviously, you know, they use around train stations to try and get you to disperse. They play classical music very loudly and they don't tend to loiter. And I kind of thought, what if like, flight of the Valkyrie style? And your guys get like some big, you know, even if it was like, I'm thinking of, um, dum, dum, dum, is it not cracker, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum,

yeah, the Sugar Plum Fairy, the Sugar Plum Fairy from the Nutcracker. If you start blasting that out from your kit bag, I think it would make them feel slightly challenged in their space. I'm sure they'd be that comfortable sticking around. I can see that. Yeah, all they get to into it and then it becomes a... Well, then you've got an amateur baller. The amateur mathematics theatre company. Christmas is out of the league.

Christmas is out of the league. Yeah. Kind of like Billy Elliot's star, you discover the next diamond of the way. Christmas is out of the way. Christmas is out of the way. Christmas is out of the way. Christmas is out of the way. Christmas is out of the way. Christmas is out of the way. Christmas is out of the way. Christmas is out of the way. Christmas is out of the way. Christmas is out of the way. Christmas is out of the way. Christmas is out of the way. Christmas is out of the way. Christmas is out of the way. Christmas is out of the way. Christmas is out of the way.

Christmas is out of the way. Christmas is out of the way. Christmas is out of the way. Christmas is out of the way. Christmas is out of the way. Christmas is out of the way. Christmas is out of the way. Christmas is out of the way.

Christmas is out of the way. Christmas is out of the way. Christmas is out of the way. Christmas is out of the way. Christmas is out of the way. Christmas is out of the way. Christmas is out of the way. Christmas is out of the way. Christmas is out of the way. Christmas is out of the way. Christmas is out of the way. Christmas is out of the way. Christmas is out of the way. Christmas is out of the way. Christmas is out of the way. Christmas is out of the way. Christmas is out of the way. Christmas is out of the way. Christmas is out of way. Christmas is out of way. Christmas is out of way. Christmas is out of way. Christmas is out of way. Christmas is out of way. No, I'm not playing my brown note, Joker. I think there is a frequency that you can play that only ears that haven't been damaged

basically by ears of just being alive can hear. These are playing around places to, you know, around the time of the anti-social behavior or as well as as bows. When that was in the papers all the time, they would be like shops that would play it if they were in a particularly as bowie area. The kids couldn't handle it, but all the pensions could

carry on shopping because they were fine with it. It was like a very high, high pitch noise. I thought that's what you were going to suggest, but I think the sugar plum theory is calming. It's really good, yeah. Something like Ode to Joy. Imagine if you came around the corner on the playing field, get oblastes above your head. Yeah. Kind of John Kusak style. Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun. It makes you sound fately kind of Champions League. Yeah. People think, oh, hello, the big boys are here.

They know what they're up to. Man, give you a bit of a rival. Surely it's like, if kids, the one thing kids are all allergic to is the idea that like adults, well, they just think whatever adults do is rubbish. So could you like be over-enthusiastic and's like, if kids, the one thing kids are all allergic to is the idea that like adults, well they just think whatever adults do is rubbish. So could you like be over enthusiastic and be like, I'd say what? Seeing as you're still on the pitch, why don't we all,

let's all play a game and like... Oh, that's good. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's good unless it backfires and they say, bring it on grandad and then they crush you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and they're like your skins and then you have to take up your shoes. I've got bragging rights for life then. crush you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and they're like your skins. And then you have to take up your fight. You've got bragging rights for life then.

Oh yeah. We beat a bunch of old bloats. Yeah. And which they definitely would do as well. Yeah. Sixth I'm not, I'm not a big football player. Hate to break that to you. But it's 630, it's a bit late, isn't it?

For a, like when you're factoring dinner, you fish a match into. To the back. It's a good point because you can't have a five o'clock tea and still be able to run around for, you know, even if you're not playing the full 90 minutes. But, no, I think six, I think seven, seven, 30, seven, 30, quick, low alcoholic pint, you know,

a four percent pint, and then, a 4% pint and then then patiates back for two at eight o'clock. I think that's a pretty decent, that's a pretty decent evening, right? I think that would, that would work out. Yeah, I'm another idea. I've never belonged to a five-and-side football team. No. No, it says that you've got the gist down pat though, I would absolutely sign up for

your team. Yeah. Half six to half seven. Low alcohol pint, home for tea. Sounds great. That's so nice. Um, kit yourself out.

Really well. All go and invest so that you kind of have a team. Track suit, a team coach, all the kit bags. And arrive like you're a lower league football team coming to train. Yeah, that's cool. Command their respect. That's exactly it, isn't it? It's about the attitude, isn't it? Where your headphones to the pitch, like the Premier League players, you know, getting off the bus, high or massive... High or massive... ...pick diver. Yeah, a massive coach that drops you up. Book of coach and hire 300 supporters. Get one of your mates to dress up as a giant lion in a football strip and run around and do

cartwheels before the game. I'm blowing kisses to the, like kisses to the teenagers. That's it. That's take it in turns to be a mascot and the mascot gets on the pitch and intimidates the kids until they leave. What's the mascot of? What the kids hate? Hard work. Is it big? Is it a big, is it a big, sad textbook? A big sad textbook. It's a trickle-up French textbook. It's going to run at them.

If you want to make it, if If you wanna make it really a fish, Gareth, get on the blower to the Saudis. Gareth, get, get, get, point is a few quid mate. Get the Saudis involved, they're dipping their early toe in the world of what I was watching. Sure they are, sure they are.

There's two. Time here in Trippia. Bygain, this is, get the Saudis to fund you Sure they are. There's this. So are you here in Trippia? No, I'm not. I did. This is the... Get the Saudis to fund you and become a proper outfit. But I genuinely, I think that the mascot might be the actual solution though. It's not on.

One of you who has to take in turns being a mascot, you'll feel liberated. It won't feel like a confrontation because you'll be up doing cartwheels and from a tickle. And they won't be up for that. I haven't seen that documentary with other sketch group, Compadre, Humphrey Carb buying a football team with Deadpool but I understand that like nice percent of the running time is them just trying to just sort of edge off children from playing on the pitch and trying to and trying to get them on. Really?

Say what you like about the sketch groups of the Midnaughties, but no one had that the petty dreadfuls would go on to owner football team. That is your point. Yeah. Imagine putting money on that. Imagine going into William Hill with that. Okay, no. That feels like more of a, um, a, a, idiots of ants kind of deal.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You'd have had them done that. Well, they're the uniforms, didn't they? Exactly. So I think, I think that's it. I mean, it's, it's, uh, it's either a higher every week or, uh, or a by. I mean, if you want to rotate the mascot, you know, you know, yeah.

If, if that, that, that, you know, it's quite, quite a fun thing. Whoever's man of the match, each of you gets a pit. You get to go down the particle, get a costume from Smithies. And you're the foot-warning alligator. It's great. That's fun. That's fun. No one's hurt by that.

Are they? No one's upset. Unless the kids grow to love the mascot and you end up spending most of the hour posing for selfies with the kids. Like a trip to Disneyland. Yes. Yeah, it's like Mr. Blobby what started as an agent of chaos becomes a beloved countercultural figure.

This is true. Yeah. So this is why I think rotate the mascot. Never let anyone mascot develop a fanbase. Because actually seeing the poses, what blobby dad looks like now, it's absolutely, it'll bring a teardier eye and you don't grab it. It's not worth it. The Saudi's can't help you there. And you don't want them to miss the Wimpy like identify us a weak spot that they can

say. What do you find out that Wimpy's nose would give after a few questions? You know, they'll test that costume for weaknesses and you can't have that. Yeah. Like the dinosaur's in Jurassic Park every week. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How are the ankles?

Pretty strong, okay. All right, next with the neck. And we're saying that you want them to become, like, still off like you say now, the gator, that maybe become a bit more abstract. So like, why don't they, they are like, you come on as the, as like parental abandonment or something like yeah I've come as your chances of ever getting on the property lab it's just a it's a very

tall ladder with a avocado at the top of it right ladducado! Ladducardo! Ladducardo! Ladducardo! Ladducardo! Ladducardo! Ladducardo! Be from the starting at your beef! You've solved! Right, Tom, do you have a beef for us to solve? Yes, so I do have a problem, and this is first world problems, but our, our, the neighbour who, what's it called?

They're not our opposite neighbour, because it's not opposite on the street, they're opposite, but on the neighbour who, what's it called? They're not our opposite neighbour because it's not opposite on the street, they're opposite but on the back garden side. Oh, okay, you're back neighbours. You're back to back neighbour? You're back to back neighbours? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Our back to back neighbours. They have a big old tree and they are very, that they say the tree is, gives them perfect, like shade to sunbathing in the summer and also provides sort of thing in winter. But for us, all it is is an opportunity for pigeons and birds to sort of poo into our garden and occasionally branches fall off. We have tried to negotiate with them, they are not open to negotiation. I genuinely love help with this beef. Yes, so talk us through your negotiations so far.

Have you said, will Trim it on our side? Yes. Send a tree surgeon up, we'll pay for it and everything. Just Trim it on our side so it's no overhang. Yeah. And they've said, no, I'll say it's our tree. Yeah, they say we don't, we drive, not do that. And I've said it, we'll just be stuff that overhangs our property, not having it.

The arguments they're using are to do with climate change, hard to argue, hard to argue with that. I don't want to, you know, put some... It's a good argument. ...sick to argue with it. Good one to have at the old sleeve. Yeah. But I mean, you're not... You're not felling the entire tree.

You're just taking up a few branches. That's, if anything, isn't that... Like, you know, tree surgeons aren't monsters, they're there to help trees, aren't they? They're especially... It'll grow more lustrous on the other side, surely. Is that not the case, but anyway, you've tried that, and that's not... During our texting conversation, the word pollarding has turned up, and that is... Yeah, that has caused some controversy, because I don't know what...

Pollarding is. what is pollarding? Well, she in Heidi Hart Just wants to be a yellow coat It's when you I try to cut that half your tree It is just sort of yeah trimming a tree so it grows back healthier and They and they won't accept even some very gentle pollarding. No. Well, if they're giving you, if they're giving you tree overhang, yeah, then they should be very, very happy with you building a tree house.

Oh, that's fun. If they're saying like, you know, no, like we're, you know, that's, that's, that's, that goes over the property. That's fine. You know, you go well, if whatever's on, yeah, whatever bit of the tree that's on your fence, you get to do what you want in that tree.

So we won't get rid of it. If anything, quite the opposite, we'll add more woods too. You've got an office space there. You can, you get a good lot of tree ice up there. You're actually adding to your property. I think you've got it. It's a little part of our studio. Did you ever have a tree house as a kid? I didn't, but I

have been gifted by my father-in-law because I'm a big doctor who found he built me a life-sized tardis. What? Well, in which case, get the crane out, stick it in a tree. It resides at his house at the minute, but I want to get it down and put it in the tree. That would work perfectly. Tardis the tree, mate. You've got a tardis the tree. You've got a tardis the tree.

Yeah, as a big hoover, and has that ever happened where It's ever been the doctor on the ground going on with bloody hell Looking up but it's some sort of a tree going over. Oh They take more of my sonic screwdriver to get that down What you can say to your neighbors is I didn't contact the tree surgeon Doctor contact the tree surgeon, but I did. Contact a doctor. I was not expecting. Yeah, that's incredible. They come out of their house and you've tied his to tree. Yeah, nothing they can do, absolutely nothing.

I love it. That's the dream. I think that's it. And if, you know, it's hanging over on your property, not a court in the world that can picture of anything there, it's great. That's great. I'm absolutely covered from every which which way. Right. As is the garden. From any light. Say good, say good, but enjoy getting rickets. Put apart from that.

I'll have a tartis and a tree. I'll be happy. What a way to do it. Oh my god. There's definitely going to, you know, there'll be a Buzzfeed article about you certainly. Oh yeah, the mad guy who... But the TARDIS in a tree. But I'll love it, I'll be happy. The mad guy is being sued by his neighbours for tardasing their tree. Yeah, yeah.

The mad guy who died when a tardis fell out of a tree. It's alright, it was on his way anyway, a gout because he was on the eating fish and mash every day. Veeve solved. Veeve solved. Nice. Tom, thank you so much for doing this. This has been an absolute pleasure. Thank you, it's been so fun.

I feel like I've actually come away with some solutions now, so I feel a lot better about things. Yeah, you know what? We are sort of turning a corner here, where we've started occasionally giving some decent advice. That's risky. Once in a while while we do actually give some good advice. So if people want to find you online or listen to more of your stuff or any of that kind of thing, where can people find you? Sure, and at Teenie Nenon Twitter and I'm

not sure when this is going out, but in October there'll be a new series of the hauntings where I've spent ages on all the episodes, and I think they're all really good, and they'll be out in October, and they're repeating the third series in September, so I'm ready for you can check those out as well. Is it all on sounds, or is some of it disappeared off of sounds?

Because it's a bit... Disappeared off sounds, like a phantom. Oh, and the late night mash as well, late night mash is back on Dave. Oh, brilliant, yeah. From next week, which is, doesn't mean anything to this, which is, this is gonna go out next week, so it will be. Oh, okay, now, watch it now.

From this week, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's brilliant, new host. New host. Very exciting. We're all very excited. We're gonna see what exciting sort of directions this takes us in, but don't worry. It'll be still be the same razor sharp sat this takes us in but don't worry it'll be

still be the same razor sharp satire from your friends don't lay like that. Love it. Great. Great. All right well pleasure chatting to you man and speech you very soon. Thanks so much for having me. Good bye. See you soon. Bye. Bye. From the starting I can beat you. Hi, I loved that. It was a really lovely chat. Really lovely chat.

Yeah, it was. Really lovely chat. What a great guy. What a great guy. Yeah, a really great guy. Thank you for sending in your beef. There were some wonderful ones in there. Yes.

Keep them coming in. Keep filling that spam folder. Beef Brothers podcast at gmail.com. Beef Brothers podcast at gmail.com. Get in touch and your beef could be read out. I'd love it. Yes, I'd love it. And as always, if you are a fan of the show, please head along to the Patreon and consider

hopping on board the Patreon community. You get an extra podcast episode every Thursday. You also get bonus beef. We've recorded a bonus beef with Tom Neenan that will go exclusively on the Patreon feed. You get to be part of a community. It's a lovely place to be. And also, most of all, you get to support us in putting out this podcast, and we won't be able to do it without the Patreon. Well, Tom, we can talk about it all we like, but maybe it's a good idea to give people a little glimpse of exactly what it is we're doing over on the Patreon. What? Go on! It's a little glimpse of exactly what it is we're doing over on the Patreon.

What? Go on! It's a little bit of a preview of the kind of stuff you can enjoy over on the Patreon if you join today at patreon.com forward slash Pappy Fatsher. He's been ages rigging up a deodorant can lid full of talc and perna to the bathroom door frame with celate so that when I open the door it would tip over and pour onto my head. Can I just say, a teodant can lid, come on. You know, we're talking about a bucket of water normally on top of the door frame, a teodant can lid is tiny. When you were a kid, I was obsessed with rigging things above door frames to drop. Of course. A bit of cellar tape. I had an old toilet roll with a ping pong ball and a thread going up it with a bit of

celate on the door so that if you open the door it would pull this thread and the ping pong ball should land. Like I did that for like three hours. They'd never work. You're a regular maghider. It's a fluorescent grommet. Oh come. Yeah, yeah.

So, he'd spent ages rigging this up, so that when I opened the door, it would tip over and pour on to my head. He called me to the bathroom, I opened the door, but nothing happened. And then we got distracted by whatever we had planned that morning and went out. But when we got home, my dad had a small white patch on his head and a grumpy look on his face. And that's better though, isn't it? That's better, but yeah.

That's better, I love it. My only attempt at an A4 Fools was when I was about seven or eight. I went into my brother's room at 6am and said, wake up Ben, it's eight o'clock, time to get up. And he said, is it? And then I said, no. And crumpled into tears having been so mean. Oh no, Tom. So really, I guess the April falls

was that he had to console the crying boy at 6 a.m. for no reason. Anyway, I hope you enjoy them, Tom. Love those. Yeah, there is something funny about that whole, you're being, you're told that lying is so bad. Yeah, it's really bad to lie. It's really, really bad.

You should always try and tell the truth. That it actually gets you, you know, like, getting caught in the lie, even a lie, you're gone. This is gonna be funny. It's like the worst. Ocean to there, aren't they? Yeah. It's really, really hard.

Well, although when you learn to lie convincingly, it's great. Love it. I loved it. You never look back. Is that true? No. I left it, I never looked back. Is that true? No! No!

No, no, no! It's a true! Well, happily accept mild pranks as well. Like April Fool's fail is great, but mild pranks or pranks that backfire on yourself. Oh my God, absolutely love it, absolutely love it. Well, there you go to that sort of thing. It sounds great. It's great. So, it's that. Well there you go to that sort of thing. It sounds great. It's great.

So, yeah. It's that sort of thing. So don't forget to like and subscribe to this podcast and leave us reviews and all of that kind of stuff. Recommend it to your friends, join the Patreon, get sick to see Papi's Flatshare stand down, all of that kind of stuff. And join us next week, we'll have another fantastic episode

of Papi's Flatshare. Today's episode was produced by Emma Corsham. Corsham team! Cheers everyone! Bye! Will you please be upstanding for today's Patreon neighborhood watch roll call. Ruh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh- Oh Yes, ding ding ding ding ding ding in the which why in the green corner Way in further first and maybe final time He's brought some he's brought some weapons. He's brought some done Chuck's man He's even brought a spear son's brought some done Chuck's man, he's even brought a spear, and yes indeed it's the... It's the super welter white key for Pearson. Standing above that corner, I don't know what he's doing up there, he's wearing a hat.

He's having a smoke, he's even been to Henley. Well, well, get down from there Simon and stop smoking indoors. Simon, Denley. Oh dear, yes he's having a smoke indoors over in the year. What year do you think this is? 2004, come on. Please. Yeah, can't smoke in your dark spots.

Let me tell you, you can't smoke in here if you want to. You can smoke over there. And I said that to the pugilist. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Someone called out. Someone called out, yeah. So it's quite a tricky one to make it see what you've been presented there, but oh yeah.

There's a terrible smell coming from under the ring. Let's have a look. Yeah, let's have a look. That's the deal with your body hygiene there, Thomas. Isn't it? There's a moldy lettuce. It's an iceberg. But I can't smell the lettuce because someone else is smoking indoors.

Please put up that cigarette. When there is a bad in this country, Adam Goldberg. Oh, that's such a sad sight when someone brings fresh groceries to the boxing to G on the boxes and no one can smell the wares because of people insisting on firing up a lamb but a butler indoors. Please don't hit the door. It's a good the law will lose our lives. I can't sniff that carrot. I can't sniff that button mushroom.

I can't even sniff that asparagus. And as I said, I said the same thing to my dear grocer, Owen Lewis asparagus. I've had an absolute shocker here because whilst I've been watching this boxing match, I've been boiling up a lovely ham hawk but boy can I smell it? No, you've had a shocker there. I've had a shocker here because I've been boiling up this hamhawk but boy can I smell it? No because that just priest seats away from me smoking a big fat cigar despite the band that has been in place now for over 20 years. It's Callum Peacock. It's Callum Peacock.

Callum Peacock, getting in the way of your ham hot there. When you please stop smoking indoors. Please stop smoking indoors, guys. Let me tell you now, I was trying to eat a delicious vegetables stew I was trying to do I had the pot a bubbling and a boiling oh boy oh boy to me now I was thinking I'm gonna eat I'm gonna eat tonight friends I'm gonna eat I'm gonna eat, I'm gonna eat tonight friends. I'm gonna eat, I'm gonna eat till my belly bursts. And I'm gonna eat till my trowels as a bulge in at the seams.

You've earned it, brother. I've earned it, if anyone's earned it, it's old muggins here. And let me tell you now, my trowels didn't get a chance to burst at the seams because with my first mouthful, I couldn't taste now, my trousers didn't get a chance to burst at the seams because with my first mouthful I couldn't taste now but smoke because... Oh, right! Because the Benson and Hedges bastard was firing up a cancestick and blowing the fumes directly up my nostril,

getting all onto my taste buds. And let me tell you now, my trousers couldn't burst at the seams due to the bastard Leonny. Oh no, well that concludes today's smoking doors folks. Two things, don't smoke indoors and let's get ready to rumble! It concludes today's Patron neighborhood one. Smokemistic ad. Oh God!

Please distinguish those cigarettes. You've got to distinguish them. And if you can extinguish them as well, that was the problem. We said please distinguish distinguish to your cigarettes. And everybody put a top hat on their cigarette and smoked away. Oh my God, all those people smoking a... Smoking a hamlet with a monocle on it. It's our own fault.

It does. Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. It's our own fault. It does. December 15th.