Pappy's Flatshare - Bonus Holding Alt Special 3

Episode Date: April 6, 2017

Here's the final 'special' episode made out of live show intros to recordings of Flatshare Slamdown from the last series (the fun bits before the podcast itself starts). Brace yourself to hear about various types of fake egg, the glamour of photocopiers, Fanshaw attempting to crack his own version of S-Town, Achilles, inverse Mum slams and potatoes.Alongside Pappy's you'll enjoy the dulcet tones of Kevin Eldon, Ed Gamble, Eleanor Tiernan and Lloyd Langford. We're back with a new series next month! Spread the word! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman planting her course to free to pat in love for. It's non-stop bonkers brilliance. I love that. Four things. It's like theaters December 15th.

Tom! Yes! It's me! Just me! Matthew and Ben are out of the house today and so I get to walk around in my pants and chat to you listener dear. So thank you for joining us. This is the final instalment of our lazy episodes where we are sending you the preamble to each one of our episodes, although just between you and I, I've listened to the last two,

and they are cracking, and actually, maybe we should sack off the gameplay, sack off our brilliant guests, sack off our annoying host, and just have us just chatting away, just a thought. So, this time round, you are going to be listening in the first section to the introduction to two brilliant shows, one which featured Kevin Alden and Ed Gamble, which was genuinely one of my true faves, and the second one, which again was also really good, Phil Jupiter and Susie Ruffle were in the house, and I think we were recording that somewhere up in North London. So see if you can spot the difference there between our central London location and our North

London location. Otherwise I hope this finds you well. Spring is here. There's the promise of new life and new flat slams as well. So we're going to be recording those on the 10th of April and the 18th of April. I'll give you more details about that halfway through the episode otherwise I'm off to remove my pants and You're gonna have a listen to this and Enjoy yourself. I will speak to you on the other side Bye Flashes land down Flashes land down

Flashes land down cheers, land down. I'm a share with our mates. Flat, cheers, land down. So we can just slow it down. Flat, cheers, land down. Woo! Not bad, right? It's hot, isn't it? Yeah, it's good. Oh, so warm up here, isn't it? Absolutely boiling.

It's hot, loud as well. Can we have a lot of clarky turned? Is that all right? Thank you. Right, eh? Give us a chance if you've been to a flat, a four. Give us a chance if you've never been to a flat, thank you. Right, give us a truth, you've been to a flat slam before. Give us a truth, you've never been to a flat slam before.

Oh, get out, get out! Ben, we've talked about this. Get out! We have Ben turned out, is that seriously? Can we have Ben? Give us a truth, you've listened to flat slam but you've never been before. Oh my God, did it ask you to imagine? No.

No. How did you imagine it? It's shinier. Well look at Tom's face. Yeah, surely This is how I get when I go to the barbers and when I'll get head switch just by sitting in the oh Tell you something do you take an epitome a snookable? I'll tell you something, man. Do you take an epitome of a snookable? Oh, bloody hell! Lordy, Lordy!

So, look, classic bands there from Clarkie. We haven't turned down. So, hello, everyone. Please imagine you're in our flat, just relax and have a nice time. If it helps, pop your shoes off. Unless you've got a fungal infection like I have. So, I'll have to keep my shoes off.

It's very hot, please leave your shoes on. If it goes well at the end of the night I'll show you my heels. No. I would, Lordy, why would you want to set a back out of your bed where people don't want it to go well? I tell you what, if this goes really really well I'll get out my pedic. It's going to be absolutely wonderful. What's a pedeck? Is it like a hemorrhoid? No! I can go from heels to rewits. Achilles rewits. Imagine.

There is Achilles. The great warrior. He has one weakness. It's rewits. I'll pick it up, actually. The horse rider comes back and he's standing there. You didn't tell him about my Royal Stitch. Anyway, I am used myself.

I am so abused, but only because no one else is. Yeah. I don't know what a pedigree is either. It's a little egg-shaped device. One side is like sandpaper, and you use it to sand down the rough parts of your skin on your feet. But then you can turn it sort of inside out and it's got like a cheese grater and you can cheese grate your feet and boy oh boy is it satisfying.

It's like you can get foot dandruff in an egg. Anyway, so the show is set in our, by the way guys, we've got sponsorship. We won't tell you what it is, but it's Easter thing. So, basically, as the show's setting our flat, I'm the landlord, Tom and Ben at the tenants. We'll just do a very tenants' lager more like. Bloody legend. I've started dreaming about beer.

Anyway, are you fighting difficult giving up booze, by the way? Yeah, two nights ago, I dreamt that me and Alice James were sat in a pub just having a pint and I woke up just as I was about to sip on the beer. Oh God, I texted her and said I had a dream that we had a beer together and he still hasn't replied. It's still creepy even when it's one of your mates, isn't it? I dreamt about you. My mom dreamt about you? Three nights ago.

Oh! Yeah! Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, That's like the reverse of the way. It's the reverse of the way mom slams work. My mama dripped about you. Oh! My mama thinks you about you. Oh!

I'm gonna think you're a nice influence. Oh, she doesn't. We haven't turned up. One of the rounds in the show is we have a little court room and we solve your flat share beefs, the problems you have with your flatmates. So somebody's a great, we aren't using these in the show, but they're some really, really good ones. Duncan, he says, this is incredible. My housemate has replaced everything in the kitchen with red versions. Wow! It's like something out

of David Lynch. Literally everything in the kitchen. He's started with the place mats. Oh, he always starts with the place mats. This is classic. They look nice, so you can go in for a red place, like throwing out to the other ones. No, is she Greek? Clarke, have you got the others? A question that says, post-shape pubic hair left in around bath, stroke, toilet?

Who shaves on the toilet? That's not a place to do it right? Isn't it? Sorry, really? You flush it down afterwards. So you do a bit of man's gaping over the bowl and then you flush it away. It makes perfect sense. Clarky, get on boardmate. In fact, we've got a new first round for the show, I shall just just just jot that down. Tom, do you have anything? I've never shaved, you know, what Dane's there? Never shaved down stairs. Oh, you live in a bungalow mate, don't you? Yeah, my toilet upstairs. Billy's beef is epic. I want to pitch this as a Hollywood movie.

Flatmate put a potato down the toilet. I mean that's starring Mad Dema. That's a strong star isn't it? Flatmate put a potato down the toilet then went to basketball training. It's a sports movie. Leaving the potato in the toilet then the other flatmate used the toilet and it became blocked. They are fucking morons. I love Lee Twister at the end there. It's like a damn night shalerman maybe that wasn't it. Who puts a potato down a toilet on purpose? My flatmates. Amazing. The thing is you're there, you're man scathing. You're eating a pizza.

It's a perfect Sunday morning. Should we get started? Yeah, I just want to read this one because it's quite sweet. This is from Tilly. Tilly says, my flatmate is unable to cook. She cooked a pizza on a baking tray rather than directly on the shelf, so the bottom didn't cook properly. When asked, if she knew what she'd done wrong, by the way, I like you, Tilly, because that's the kind of flat my eye am. Do you know what you did wrong? She went asked if she knew what she'd done wrong.

She said, yes, next time I should start it, she's side down. And turn it over halfway through. And the last bit of this is straight out of Ellen Bennett. And nearly let her do it. A wonderful entry for Tilly, their big round of applause for Tilly. So sweet. Let's bring our guests, shall we? Let's bring our guests. Hot ticket, everyone. Boy, we got two guests for you. Please welcome, please. I'll tell you, you've got to use the descriptive words.

What? Not just the number. Two. Fantastic would be great. Oh, we have got two fantastic guests. We've talked about this. This is the MC 101. You've got to say a word to describe how good they are and go up at the end. Oh, yes. Ladies and gentlemen, they are fantastic guests.

That wasn't the end. That wasn't the end. Oh, please. They're fantastic guests. What you all got, let's see. We're in for such a treat. Please welcome Ed Gamble and Kevin Alder! Ed, are you always striping someone who's used the pad egg?

Have you ever used it? I've never used a pad egg, but it did bring back a memory about a type of egg. Could this be his guess? You're the thing to egg chat bonus. My friend, who shall remain nameless, bought me a joke present, it's something called a tanga egg. Yet one person knows what it is. It's a whankeg.

What? It's a rubber egg that you... I mean, I wasn't planning on starting like this, but... No, it's really not that bad. And in my head, I thought, if Matt asked me about a type of egg, I am going to say it, and I really not that good. I mean, in my head, I thought, if Matt asks me about a type of egg, I am going to say it, and I know I shouldn't. You put your penis in a rubber egg and wonk it off.

Oh, it's adorable, isn't it? Yes, is it? Is there benefit that you don't? We'll talk about it after. OK, so, a-k-a-k-a-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k A.K.A. A Cabri Screamer, right? How do you fuck yours? Well, good evening. Kevin, I feel like we've got your ear in the false pretentious noise. Sorry, I shouldn't say it was Kevin that bore me, yes. Yeah, I didn't realise it was going to be so eggy to tell you the truth.

I actually talking about a fungal infection I have. I have actually got a fungal infection on by two big toenails. The horrible, discolored brown, yeah, like, there's a slight smell comes off them, and it rubs off fond of fingers. Just for a laugh, just before the show, I just wiped across all the microphones. And let's get cracking, guys. Let's get cracking. We haven't started yet, guys. That was just the warm-up. And previously, we've had it where it's all lovely and then once we start you go quiet honest.

They all catch phrases, you can't hear a smile. It's an album called Smile by the Beach Boys, you can't hear that. It's so true. I like to good record. You can't hear that smile. You can hear one smile. I intend to joylessly apply logics with the procedure. You're gonna fit in perfectly.

So, shapes there, as you can imagine, and from holiday, which I think is always important to have. Coming up in the second half is going to be a proper blast from the past. You're going to be looking at our intro to the Christmas special. So even though it is getting warm and the sun's out, close the curtains, put on your warmest jumper, pour yourself an advocate and wish yourself back to those pre-Christmas days and listen to the intros to our Christmas special. Just before you do, just a quick reminder to say that on the 10th of April,

we'll be at the Soho Theatre with a brilliant guest, Roshine Connity, and somebody else will be joining her. And on the 18th of April, we'll be at the Phoenix in London with the peerless Tom Allen, and that doesn't just mean he hasn't got any friends. It means he's fantastic.

And then for those of you who like to travel on the third year of the Vapral, we will be at the McComphalus Comedy Festival, and that is easier for you to say. McComphalus Comedy Festival, where not only will we be putting on a flat slam, cross me, we'll be putting on a solo show, or we're putting on a work in progress,

and we'll be doing a secret dudes as well. So if you look... Do you want to see what the world is really like? Yes. Four things is deliciously funny and spectacularly entertaining. A woman planting her course to freedom. At in Lutford.

It's non-stop bunkers brilliance. I love that. Four things. It's the like theaters, December 15th. ACAS powers the world's best podcast. Here's a show that we recommend. Hi, I'm David Boris, Canadian historian and host of Curious Canadian History, a bi-weekly deep dive into the wild, worrisome, and wonderful world of Canadian history. This season we've covered not season Alberta, the Palestinian partition, and even the assassination

of Abraham Lincoln. We also have eight seasons worth of back episodes all right there for your listening pleasure. Check out new episodes of curious Canadian history every other Tuesday wherever you get your podcast. Acast helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Comedy, please do come along to my conflict. Otherwise, oh, ho, ho, it's December again. Wish us all back to this Christmassy time and I'm off to Iain my pants. I don't know Well, welcome everybody to flat-shell slam down give us a truth you've been to a flat-stam recording before

Give us a cheer if you've been to a FlatStam recording before. Yeah! Give us a cheer if you've had time. Give us a cheer if you have never heard the podcast. Oh, that's way too many people. Why you not? Wait, hang on a sec. Are you just all fans of shoes? Oh, yeah, give us a cheer if you're here for a Com Com pod.

Yeah! Oh, wait, hang on a sec. you're here for a Com Com pod. Right! Oh! Oh! Let's go. Wait, wait, hang on a sec, so look. Yeah. That little pocket of people. It's not an office Christmas party, is it? Have you got... Oh, imagine.

Imagine an office Christmas party. I don't have never worked in an office, so... I wouldn't know how to imagine that. I assume it's good. Imagine there's a photo copier? I mean, that's an office. Yes, you're doing it. Never worked in a office. Go deeper into the mind palace, Thomas. Go deeper into the mind palace, Thomas.

Go deeper into the mind palace. LAUGHTER And I shouldn't, there's a photo cop here. I think that's probably a photo cop here year round. It just happens to be there when the party's also happening. I don't think they bring it in. You know, the last photo cop being fun. Well, you know when you were a kid,

did you ever have to draw your dream bedroom at school? Of course. What do you mean when you were a kid? I you ever have to draw your dream bedroom at school? Of course. What do you mean when you're a kid? I hate it. I'm thinking about doing this afternoon. I always put a photocop here in mind. What? That's just come back to me.

I always put... Peace is amazing. I used to go for... Three things. I used to go for all of the Premier League first-vision football shirts on the wall. Lovely. A treadmill and a photocopier. Why?

So you can catch up on your admin. Yeah, why? Why did you watch it? Actually, I guess they're a very glamorous object. I always wanted those. Sorry, hold tight a second, Clarke. And I know you've not said one sentence yet. But we will go back to, I guess they're just

a very glamorous object. Fuck. What the... No, right on the... What did someone say? Like, I've got your surprise for you birthday. And you open up and there's a photo copy of it. You'd be a bit impressed, right? Yeah, but no, no, no.

Yeah, very confused. You'd be impressed that... Well, first of all, they'd wrapped it. Secondly, but it doesn't come to a world of a Linda of Angeloester and Kate Moss, does it? It's not glamorous. Whoooom! By the way, Tom's working on Ineus girl at Worms and that's the opening song, Whoooom! Whoooom! Where do you hide? Let's think of it another way. I feel like a time traveler and you saw a photo copier. Oh, you're fucking mind!

No, I feel like... I'm from the future. I'm from the future. I'm from the future. I'm from the future. I'm from the future. Very good point, it's a very good point. Or indeed the present day. Anyway, let's not... Fewer time, gentlemen.

You've got a fucking time machine. Why are photocopies blowing your mind? It's a very good point. It's a very good mind? It's a very good point. It's a very good point. It's a lie. I reckon two quid each. We could buy tomfai, I can't be. Oh my god!

So folks, basically the idea of this podcast is, it's sponsored by Ryman. You should know that, says. Oh yeah, we should have mentioned that. The idea is, it's set in our flat, it's Christmas time. There's no need to be afraid. It's Christmas time. We let it light and we banish shade.

That's a weird line, he said, we let it light and we banish shade. Is it? It's not really what you do at Christmas, but it's it's safe for Com Com Padme. By the way, can you do like an hour of observational at Edinburgh one year because it will be the most back-shit hour of joke free logic. Well, there's my title. Yeah, I just, I'll photocop in the flyers, I'm the man. So yeah, so there's just... I'll photocop in the fires, I'm the man. LAUGHTER So, yes, so one of the rounds is beef brothers, and obviously you filled those in.

We're going to read a few of the ones that... Is it turkey brothers this way? Oh, can we do turkey brothers? I'm doing a shirt, sure. Let's do it. I mean, the jingles still going to say beef brothers. Actually, it is... The jingles says beef or turkey.

There we go. Does it? Yeah. It's Christmas. Whoo! LAUGHTER That's from last year. So you literally kind of photocopy the last year. Yes, you. Blow your mind, man. Oh!

It'll blow your freaking mind. So Tom Stevens. Tom Stevens writes, all in caps, like a murderer. Er, all from cutouts, really different new papers. Finally, we've found out that there's only at Killer is. So that's Tom Stevens writes, suggested that people

who come to our Christmas party pay for dinner. Because why should I pay for 30 people to have dinner? Then fucking cook it for them. And can I just show you, you might not be able to see this, but he's written fucking so emphatically he's gone through the paper. Right? My friends are like you, wephatically he's gone through the paper. Right. My friends are like you, we do a friend's Christmas dinner every year and they ask for receipts on who paid for what. And then two days later you get an email with a breakdown invoicing you for Christmas dinner.

You know what they need to do? You don't need to let in light and ban a shake. That's what they need to do. Let's not lose our sense of wonder. Clarke. You know what they need to do? You know what they need to do? They need to let in light and ban a shade. That's what they need to do. That's what they need to do. That's what they need to do. That's what they need to do. Let's not lose our sense of wonder. Clarke.

Oh. Adrian says, my fat mate rose. There's homemade presents. Why won't she stop fapping around, painting bags with bleach, and buy us nice things? Oh. Painting bags with bleach. I haven't been found another zodiaculous. Is it like a back cleaning service?

Is that... Are you Adrian? And you... And you make the bags. And this is how you tell them. Adrian, you are so... It's the card of the roll. You don't talk about people who are in the room.

Have we got a bleached bag? Honours. Have we got any bleach? Have we got any bleach in the room, have we got a bleached bag? Honours. I've got any bleached in the kitchen. Should we bleach your bag? What, Tom, Tom, that is not happening. Now, are you going to take a gig, yeah, they bleached your bag. You're going to go back, probably not.

Talk us through it. You get a fabric bag. A fabric bag, a dark one, and a different pencil and place, and you can write messages on it. Well, that's quite a, so like it's a person, it's a personalized bag. You're a message to get us to say this. Yeah.

Grace, this is interesting, because this is a problem that we all encounter, I think. My housemate, housemate's name equals Fran. My housemate Fran wanted to organize a house secret Santa and said nobody's allowed to know who's got who. Standard. Yet, she's made it her mission to find out who every single person has. We've already had to redraw because she deduced who everyone had.

Oh, I've got it. I've got it. They can't operate because the doctor is a woman. No, the answer is that the fox buys the back of grace. Oh, the fox. Yeah, the goose. Right, okay, got it. On a boat.

And in the Scarlet in the study. Yeah, we've done it pipe. I like that, though, because it's fun trying to deduce who people have got for secret sometime. It's a bit, it is like a who-done-it. I think though, it's more fun when you get the present. You're like, oh, what's this? A photo copy-ass!

A bloody bleach bag! We set up to £10 ton, we did set up to £10. A bit, you could buy a photo copy for a tether. In an office clearance. What a strange bet. Let's get on Paddy Power Now and find out what the odds are. I'm going to buy a photocopy for a tether. In an office clearance. What a strange bet. I'm going to buy one. Let's get on Paddy Power Now and find out what the odds are. Erm, Tom?

By the next flat slam. No, no. I'm cutting this off. I'm heading this off at the past, Tom. Because you know what will happen is, I will have to do it. So it'll be me on eBay bidding for a photocopier, three in the morning, that I don't want, and then I realize you've got to go and pick it up yourself.

And it'll end up stored under your house. It'll end up stored under my house, yeah. Right, shall we whip Crackaway? We should. Have we got two guests? Yes. You shouldn't have been as matter of fact fact. Or we got some guests for you. That's what I was going for.

Two of our favourite comedians in the world, please welcome Miss Eleanor Tienen and Lloyd Langford! APPLAUSE The Bells Jingle on away. So, thanks for coming on the show. We've got to find out how you feel about the old photo copy. Elena, are you pro? Are you empty? Did you dream of one of those as a child? I've always been into stationery and swaff from fancy papers, so yeah I'd see it as an extension. Swap it fancy paper? That was a thing, yeah, in my school as a kid,

by the little notes, things, and swaff them with each other. So, like, you've got some really banging full-scap, and you're like, come on. Kind of care bearishish. Oh, yeah, sure, yeah, so that makes more sense. The printout is shit. You're listening to puppies, flashes them.

More stationery jets, coming up! Alright, Clara. Sorry, Clara. Clarke's got someone who wants to sit at Baroness. Erm... Lloyd. Great to have you here. Thank you.

So, the show... No, I was going to ask you a question, but Clarke's going to make fun of me for doing it. Well, I'm currently working in an office. Oh, are you? They've given me, like, a special card. No, I was going to ask you a question, but Clark is going to make fun of me for doing it. Well, I am currently working in an office. Oh, are you? They've given me like a special card to bypass security so I can get in. And when I finish working, I have to hand it back in, but I'm more than happy to give it to you,

and then you can steal one of the four copies. Oh, my God, it's on. All you need is a, if you wore like a kind of boiler suit type thing, you look like a maintenance of boiler suit type thing, you look like a maintenance man, right? Oh my God, are we doing a heist movie, where we steal the fucking photo? Yeah.

Yes, we are. And at the end, it's like they caught us, but it turns out they only caught photo copies of us. Yeah, that's a great idea. Oh my God, good night everybody, good night. Good night, man. I'm going to watch that film. See, I told you they are, actually, Oh my god, can I have everybody get out? See, I told you they are actually the best bits of flat slam, the bits before we actually do flat slam. So if you enjoyed them, please try and come down to the live shows.

If you don't live in London, make yourself a day of it. Come on down. We've had people do it before and I'm sure we'll have people do it again. If not, please keep listening. it means the world to us. Please keep getting in touch. Nothing brightens our day than hearing messages from you guys telling us that you enjoy the show or reviewers on iTunes, with that means sound too needy. The more you guys review, the more listeners we can pick up and then we will take over the world of podcasting. Yeah, look out, S-town, if that's your real name. That's what we need. We need some kind of listeners we can pick up and then we will take over the world of podcasting. Yeah, look at S town. If that's your real name, that's what we need.

We need some kind of like murder to happen in a flat slam. And then for me to investigate it in a very serious voice. Or it isn't gentlemen after Jewish. Remember, tell you now there was a podcast back in the day, day, some guys, you you know they share a flat You know what I'm talking about when one day there was a murder Murder I say well, I'm not the man of gone started out then I don't know who is That's the kind of podcast that would get millions of downloads launch launchers into superstardom. So, maybe not only leave us a reveal on iTunes,

but come down to one of our live nights and kill someone. And then flat slam will be able to launch its spin-off, fan-shore podcast, where we investigate the murder. Just a thought, I'm not inciting anyone to murder. And actually, if the murder does happen, then fan-shore will later find this recording and probably have to arrest Tom for inciting the murder and that would be a Very fascinating episode anyway. I've gone on too far

I've in fact I've picked myself an idea that I really like the other two no day to will I'm sure they'll love it. Anyway have a good good day, have a good night, whatever you're doing, stay well and warm and bye! Flash is land down! We're in a flat! Flash is land down! I'm sure with our mates! Flash is land down! So we can just slow it down!

Flash is land down! Do you want to see what the world is really like? I love that. Poor things. in select theaters December 15th.