Pappy's Flatshare - Ep 1503: The deathly challenge of running, sitting and standing

Episode Date: February 19, 2025

We're back in your ear canals. In this episode there's a gentle jog past a causing all kinds of social awkwardnessDon’t forget…You'd be hearing this first - early and ad free (plus a bonus episode every week) on the Patreon feed. Join you by visiting https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareWe’ve got 2 live Flatshare Slamdown shows in February MONDAY FEB 24TH: MATT LUCAS AND LORNA ROSE TREENTUESDAY FEB 25TH: JOE SUTHERLAND AND RUTH HUSKOGet tickets to either show (or a special discounted ticket that gets you into both shows!) right here: pappyscomedy.com/live Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling. Winning. Which beats even the 27th best feeling saying I do. Who wants this last parachute? I do. Enjoy the number one feeling. Winning. In an exciting live dealer studio. Exclusively on FanDuel Casino. Where winning is undefeated. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Greetings listener dear, I'm Tom. I'm Ben. And I am Matthew and welcome to Papi's Flat Share.

So, fun episode today. A very fun episode today. Oh, lovely episode. It starts, you know, it starts in a slightly macabre place, but it goes to somewhere quite joyous and jolly at the end. Look, we know what listener deer likes. We've looked at the market research. Britain loves murder. Okay? Yeah, it's true. Now the thing is we don't like nasty murder. We like nice murder. Cozy murder. It is mental. I was thinking

about that the other day, like the fact that cozy crime, it's like, oh, like the most popular show in Britain, Death in Paradise, but like all of those most popular shows, the most popular novels, it's like- Midsummer Murders sold all over the world. Yes. There is a murder. Someone gets killed every episode, but it's in a nice framework. It's like it's kind of, it's cozy. It's like in a lovely, lovely village and it's very cute and very, oh yes, someone does die. It's just like so die. It's so weird. So weird. I'm sure it's not a British

thing. It's just a, it's a human thing, I guess. Do you think animals tell stories about death? No, they don't. Anyway, we've got some flat share slams coming up this month. They're going to be at the Phoenix in Cavendish Square on the 24th and 25th of February. That's Monday and Tuesday of I believe next week. So if you'd like to come along, the first one is Matt Lucas and Lorna Rose Treen. The second one is Joe Sutherland and Ruth Husko. We'd love to see you there. We'd love to see you there. Tickets are available from padmeetscomedy.com

forward slash live and don't forget if you're on the Patreon you have a promo code on the Patreon which will get you discounted tickets to not just each individual show, but it can get you a discounted ticket to the one that gets you into both shows. So come along 24th and 25th of February. We would love to see you there. Matt Lucas, Lorna Rose Treen and then Joe Sutherland and Ruth Husko. What? What a treat. Such a good, such a good line up.

So unfair for me there, Tom. I know, I greatly, greatly enjoyed that. Really, really unfair. Did you say to join the Patreon for the discount code? I did mention the discount code. I'll tell you what I did, I slightly reframed it. I said if you're on the Patreon, there's a discount code. Because people on the Patreon who are listening to this early and ad free...

Well, I say people, one person keeps complaining that we tell people to join the Patreon. One person keeps complaining, it says, you're killing me that you keep mentioning the Patreon when this is on the Patreon. Yes, but there are people listening to it on the main feed and we'd have them be part of the community. And it really is a wonderful community for helping one person. But listen, that one person is going to become so annoyed by this, they're going to leave the Patreon, which ironically means they'll stop being annoyed by it because they will need to hear the message to rejoin the Patreon. So it's a vicious

circle of life. And do you think animals talk themselves like a circle of life? No, I don't believe they do. Anyway, enjoy this episode, folks, of a very funny Pappy's Flat Share. Pappy's Flat Share. Talking about whatever. Pappy's Flat Share. Have we been doing this forever?

Pappy's Flat Share. But we don't really live together. Pappy's Flat Share. Yeah! Hey, I don't want to give away all my ideas for free. Oh yes, please. What are you suggesting that we pay for this? Well this is the kind of... I guess I want to tell you I've had this idea so that you don't think I'm

a serial killer. Like I've had a serial killer idea but I'm trying to channel it. I don't want it to be like, hey I've thought I've just discovered where I'd hide all the bodies. But like I want to be like, here's a good idea for a story. I see. Yeah, yeah, that's a good way to frame it. Yeah, definitely. Tom, I'm going to say you approached it the wrong way. Well, it's how my brain went. Basically, I was out for, I was doing some exercise. I was out for a jog. Oh, yeah. Oh, this is interesting because you went to say run, you went to say run and you changed it to

jog and I think jogging basically doesn't exist anymore. Well, oh, no one really took, you know, why I did that? I adjusted it because of Clarky and I having a long running dispute where I'd, wait a long running, a wrong jogging dispute. Long jogging dispute. Yeah. It was a, it's one of our historic beefs where Clarkie... I can't remember this. It was a... Oh, well. Okay, okay. That doesn't mean... Well, I guess history's written by the victors, isn't it? I guess the fact that you can't remember it, Clarkie, doesn't mean...

I would never have that as your first argument against something happening. Well, I can't remember it happening. Yeah, it happened earlier on in this episode that we've been recording for 30 seconds. He was serial killer, but I can't remember it happening. Yeah, it happened earlier on in this episode that we've been recording for 30 seconds. You're a serial killer, but I can't remember it. I said I was going for a run and Ben was like, it's not a run, it's a jog. No, no, well, it's a run, isn't it? You call it a run and it's like, no, no, it's jogging. I was probably right with the pace I was going. But it became, it was like a thing we had. I think everything's been classified as running now, right?

Everything's been classified, because you wouldn't say I'm doing a, you know, wouldn't say I'm doing a 5K jog, would you? Or if I've just signed up for a 10K jog, it's not called joggers need, it's called runners need. It's all about running gear. I've got to get my running gear on. The park run.

Yeah, it's not park jog. I mean even even if you what you consider to you know I mean I guess it's a question of pace isn't it? Are you jogging or are you running? Is it supposed to say jogging walked so running could run? You're gonna have to slow that one down for me Tony. It's a great running joke. When running was introduced they thought we can't just hit people with you got to start running now. So the 80s softened it with a brand. They came up with jogging. Jogging, yeah. And jogging introduced people to the idea of running, but in a very friendly way.

It eased you into it. I will say this. I definitely only, whenever I do it and it's not been for some time, I definitely only jog. When I see other people. What you're doing is even jogging. It's shuffling along like a pensioner. I've seen your knees mate. That's still a run though. It's just a slow run. Yeah, it's always a run. Yeah, it just feels like they're distinct. I can't remember the argument, but I clearly do have that stance. Feels like when someone comes past me, I'm like, he's running. I'm jogging.

Yeah. Wait, who's going past you though? Wait, so you're saying anyone who's faster than you is running, whereas you're jogging and therefore Parry is jogging. Is that the dispute you had? I'm just desperately trying to bring him down to my level, that's all. My level is low. Yeah. But I think basically, jogging felt like a brand description to help sell the idea and then it's dropped its pretence and gone out as foot. You're running actually, we've made you run.

Yeah, everybody's running. I would say it does, you know, you don't have to be Mo Farah to be a runner. Anyone who gets out of the house and runs around the block, that's running. We've dropped jog because let's be honest, it sounds a bit naff. Yeah, I think so. Running sounds cooler, but we are jogging. So I think everyone's right in a way. This is diplomacy It's very hard to describe what I'm doing is running but I but it is running. It's a run

You're going out for a run. Yeah, you can't describe you should describe it as a jog Anyway, you're going out for a run. You saw a little old lady. You thought I could bump her off. I Was jogging past the graveyard at night. I run through the graveyard at night and it's a big old lady and you thought I could bump her off. I was jogging past the graveyard at night. I run through the graveyard at night and it's a big old graveyard. I would say that's no way to be a serial killer. What you see, if you threw your arms up and went, I did all these guys.

So to my point, I was running past the graveyard and a car came up and a guy got out and it was kind of like under a single lamplight. Lovely. And he made, he cut quite an eerie figure. Sure. Like the exorcist, like that famous picture of the scene with the exorcist, you know. Yeah. I was like what's this guy doing pulling up, what's he getting out of his car in this graveyard at night? Then the idea hit me of what if a serial killer was killing people and then burying the bodies in pre-existing

graves so that no one finds them because you don't look for bodies in graves because you know that's where bodies are. So then I was like, that's a really good crime story. That's where my brain very quickly went then. I wasn't like, you haven't just had an idea about where you'd hide people if you killed them. You had the idea of a story you'd tell about a person who's killing people. And I was like, has anyone done that? Audio copyright. Yeah. It's really good. But it's like, has anyone done? Where are the bodies? The bodies are in graves. They're in graves that were already there.

Pre-existing graves. Pre-existing or recent graves so that people don't realise they've just been dug up. So people when, you know, recent graves suddenly have two bodies in them. And that's the, that's the light bulb moment when someone goes, there have two bodies in them. And that's the that's the light bulb moment when someone goes, there's two bodies in this coffin. Do you think the grave diggers are is such that they would walk past a grave that they'd filled in the day before and go, oh, that doesn't look like one of mine. That doesn't look like my not if the killer is the Grave Digger. I TV one, I TV one.

Give me some mighty one. Who's going to be it? It'll be like who's in those. Can I ask you one question? I think you know what it's going to be. What was your request of ITV one? You got to give it to me. You got to give it to me. You got to give it to me. The Gravedigger's going straight onto ITV1, isn't it?

Also, it's got a theme tune already. Perfect. It's good that when the theme tune mentions the channel you're watching it on. Imagine if it had really classy graphics. It's just your voice going, ITV1, ITV1, give it to me, give it to me. graphics. There's a little pre-credit sequence and then I don't know what his name James McIlroy or someone like that is that the guy? James McIlroy? Yeah he's like McIlroy or someone like that and then he turns to the camera and goes like, but I am the Gravedigger. Into credits, I TV one, I TV one.

I'm doing it, I'm doing it. I'm doing it, I'm doing it. I'm doing it, I'm doing it. It starts with him saying that he's the Gravedigger. I don't know. It's like Colombo, it tells you the murder at the start. I don't know. I mean, we'll work that out.

It tells you who's the killer. It tells you what the channel is, but there's a big twist. It's on BBC the whole time. Can I pitch a novel off the back of that alone basically because I feel like probably next. Hold on, hold on, it's going to be a novel. On ITV1. I'm reading it.

A Jack and Ory. It's good though isn't it? Pat and Ory. Has that been done basically? Is there a Sherlock Holmes or a fucking Agatha Christie or any of that? It's right there, isn't it? Fucking Poirot or some fucking.

It's right there, isn't it? Yeah, it's right there, man. It's right there, man. They're in graves, man. They're in graves, man. Yeah, I think that's, yeah, talk to Osman. Next time you see Richard Osman, say, listen, you can't talk to Osman.

He's already nicked all our games for Ace of Games. I was gonna say. You keep saying this. He's gonna be nicking my plots for his crime novels. You keep saying this. Tom, have you not listened to an episode of our show? All of our games are nicked. I've never listened to an episode of our show

and I've never seen any of his Ace of Games. We've never come up with an original game for our entire time. You're obsessed with this idea that Richard Osman's nicking your games. That's got an, you know. It's just an instinct. You've not listened to our show or watched his games. He has either.

The Venn diagram isn't a Venn diagram really, is it? It's just two circles, one really tall circle, one really suspicious circle. It's just the two of you viewed from above. That's what it is. But do you ever have, like that's like, I had to deal with that thought quite quickly basically to be like, I'm not going to kill people. Yeah. Do you ever have thoughts of murder? But do you ever have a thought like that, like of where you'd hide the but I did I tell you about what I said to the fridge

Guys when they I had a tall fridge delivered. Oh, yeah had in my life. I feel like a king It's a big big tall fridge Wow It's tall how tall we talking taller than I So we're talking seven foot maybe a seven foot fridge Osmond height. It's an Osmond fridge. An Osmond fridge, okay, yeah, yeah. It's an Osmond fridge. Fridge of games. Yeah, he's stolen the bloody height of my fridge.

I can't believe this guy. He's all over you, Parry. Vintage plagiarist. How tall am I gonna be? Hmm, I don't know. The same height as Parry's fridge. Have an original thought in your life, Osmond. Have an original thought in your life Osman

They arrived with the fridge and I said oh Well, I'm about to jump in someone up and put it in there I won't even have to cut that yeah, I said Come the bodies to get in there and and neither of them left. They just know Tom why would you? What a macabre thing to say to two strangers. I think it might have been a couple of nights after my graveyard idea. Yeah you've got it on the you've got death on the brain. Death on the brain baby. Fandu casino daily jackpots guaranteed to hit by 11 p.m. with your chance at the number one feeling winning which beats even the 27th best feeling saying I do who wants this last

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I have a feeling they are a new-ish couple, right? Possibly each other's second time around. Young love, old love. Yeah. Well, I'm not gonna say old love, but they were- Old bodies, young love. Again, I said older. Great title. Ancient, decrepit.

We're going after the grey pound. This shows a real maturity on Tom's part because he's immediately putting it into art as opposed to first thinking maybe I should have sex with an older person. Turn it into art mate. That's what you do. This is the progress. You sort of go yeah I'm going to make it. Anyway so they were there, they were sat across from me very very close. Basically they were having such a sort of loud conversation it felt like they wanted the world to be involved, right? You know, that kind of conversation. Yeah, yeah, like the one we're having.

I'll tell you now, they didn't want the world to be involved. I was going to say, I think this is more you thinking these people want me to be involved in their conversation. It was absolutely my fault. 100% my fault. I misread the signs. So the waiter came over. Turned pineapple on their table. You misread the signs. Yeah, the correct coloured kachif sticking out of their top pocket. Slide into this old school throuple. The waiter came over and said, okay, here's your bill. And they were having a real kind of like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You put your money away, put your money.

No, no, no, you're not. You're not. But you know, both had that both had their cards out. No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not going to hear about it. No, I'm going to hear about it. And I leaned in and went to tell you what, I'll pay for it. End of fun. Fun immediately over. Right. There's only one way out that.

Oh, God, there's only one way out of that. Oh God! There's only one way out of that, cross me. Put your money where your bad mouth is. Kill everyone. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How big's the fridge here? Oh yeah, I forgot to say, then they murdered me

and buried me in a shallow pre-existing grave. Kill everyone who witnessed it. Oh, that's... Yeah. But you can see how I'd had three, I'd had three coffees back to back. I was on a writing deadline. I had three coffees back to back, which I shouldn't have done. I know I'm not supposed to have three coffees in a day. You're not supposed to have a writing deadline if that's the kind of stuff you're doing.

Not supposed to have a writing deadline, no. All of these things, everything was stacked against me. I was, I was, I was giddy. I was excited. I was,, I just finished my writing deadline, I was off into the studio, I was thinking this is going to be a good day. I was feeling creative, I was feeling funny. Yeah, you're feeling loose. I was thinking, I'm a comedy writer, I'm like that's my job, I just, funny just flows out of me. I'm just going to get involved with this, you know, these are the very real people that I'm like, that's my job. I just, funny just flows out of me. I'm just going to get involved with this.

You know, this is, these are the very real people that I'm trying to reach with my work. They're going to absolutely love it. And they absolutely did. Luckily I was, I was all done. Jumped out the window. I was all done. I was, I paid up already. I was ready to go so I could just turn, turn my heels and get out into Borenwood.

It was, it was bad news though. But it happens sometimes. You think, you know, sometimes you think there's just so much Chouard of Eve that how could it, how could they not be delighted by an extra person bringing an equal level of Chouard of Eve? And you go, well, of course I'm not part of their life. I just like, in fact, I did a bit of an inverse of that situation yesterday morning at the dentists. Oh yeah. Because we were recording right up until my dentist appointment started. So I was flush with the excitement of landing something on time that I didn't think I was

going to. Fantastic. Finished the record, ran to the car, traffic was bad. Oh my God, managed to park, nipped into the dentist, got there, bang on 10. Beautiful. And I felt like, you know, it's the train doors closing behind you. It's making the bus and then feeling like, you know, you want to high five the whole of the passenger on

the bus. So I got into the dentist and it was like dead on 10, happy days, here we go. Bowled into the dentist waiting room, an older couple and a lady on her own. And I said, morning everyone. And then plunked myself down in a chair that was completely too small for me. Like a children's chair. No, no, it was like, well let's just say it was certainly a chair for someone of a slighter figure than I. And so I plunked myself in and then very quickly realized I'd wedged myself into a chair that I was, I couldn't quite get out of, because my arms were kind of in there as well. And I was, so then I got, tried to get back up and the chair got up with me.

And then I kind of had to stagger around for a little bit and kind of flop myself out of the chair. So there was like, like, it was a great bit of slapstick that I wasn't intending to do. And everyone had a great old laugh and everyone was having a good time. But then we all had to just kind of then quieten down and just sit. Do you know what I mean? Like it was like, it was like off we go and I was like, Oh bloody hell and I shouldn't be seeing the dentist. I should be seeing the doctor to sort my belly out. And it was like, oh yeah, okay, okay. Wait, sorry, that was your lie. Yeah, sorry, yeah, sorry.

I was panicking, I was panicking. I should be seeing the dentist, I should be seeing the doctor to sort my belly out. Yeah, it was awful. And then it was like, yes, yes. And then we kind of quieted it down and then there was like silence yes, yes. And then we kind of, and then, and then we kind of quieted it down. And then there was like silence for about 40 seconds. And the old gent said, well, you've given us all a smile.

And I said, oh, yes. And then we kind of just had to. Oh, and then and then there was the anticlimax of like, well, we can't keep up with this. And we sat in silence for five minutes until the dentist called. Were you tempted to do a few more pratfalls? Were you tempted? Well, you more pratfalls? Were you tempted? Well, you know, it was just that really. I felt and then, you know, I just sort of had my fancy football

league team and I just thought I'm a disappointment after that. I started too well. Yeah. You had nothing to back it up. No, exactly. Did you offer to pay for anybody's dental work? Well, I threw myself through the coffee table on the way out. But the route was empty at that point.

It's a real shame straight through the coffee table. That does seem more like a sort of death in a soap rather than a bit of slapstick. Buried myself in a grave that someone was already in. The grave digger. I had one of these as well. The other day I was meeting a slapstick moment or a serial killer thought. Bit of both.

No, kind of slightly more, slightly more slapstick. I slipped on the blood of my victim. No, how I laughed. Right. Right. Right, right. Sorry, sorry. I'm sorry, Ben. Could you get on with it please? I shouldn't be seeing the dentist. Sorry. I should be seeing the bloody doctor. Saw my belly out. Anyway. I'm just imagining you going into the doctor and saying, hello doctor, what can I do about this? And then pulling up your shirt and him going, I don't know, doctor and say, I don't know, so what can I do about this? And then pulling up your shirt and go, I don't know, exercise and better diet.

Jogging, running. Who can decide? I mean, carry on like that. Did happen. I am trying to do something about it. So you don't have to imagine it. It happened. Didn't hear either of those things. But anyway, OK. You're going to sort your bloody ears out, doctor. I'll be more than to laugh. Right, I'll calm down now, I'm feeling a bit giddy.

Clark, this'll bring us back down to earth with a jolt. I was meeting a friend on the train and I was like, I'll tell you what, I'll get us both a coffee beforehand, that'd be nice. I turn up, get onto the train and he's only gone and bought us two bloody coffees as well. And the people in front of us found that hilarious. So they were like laughing away and were like, well, do you want the coffees? And they were like, no. And because they didn't want them.

This could have been a serial killer trick, isn't it? Yeah. Do you want the coffees? Do you want the coffees? They're laced. These two murderers, this is the dis, this is the sting, this is what they do. I'll tell you what, you have these coffees, they've got stricken in it.

Exactly. Did you do both coffees on the train? We did both coffees on the train, yeah. Had to. There was no other option than to normal take them. But because we'd offered the coffees, they'd really enjoyed it and they were like really joining in chatting to us. But as soon as we offered the coffees and they didn't want them, then they just completely like blanked us for the rest of the journey.

That's what you want though, isn't it? Yeah, it's true. Oh, these strangers want though, isn't it? It's true. All these strangers on a train didn't want to talk to me. That's the dream. That's exactly what you want. Did you carry on trying to talk to them? Come on. Take a coffee. I'll tell you what, you guys are chatting amongst yourselves here.

You're giving us absolutely fuck all. Come on, get involved. Get involved. Do you remember, Clark, he went, you and I were going somewhere. Oh, I remember. And we were trying to buy, so we thought we'd have time to buy coffees.

And then we were walking to, we bought coffees, we were walking very confident with these very hot coffees to the wrong train platform. Yeah, yeah. And then our train pulled in on the platform opposite and we had to sprint over the bridge to make the train. But because our coffees were so big and hot, we couldn't run fast enough.

So there was a cry of ditch the coffees and then you threw your coffee off to the side but it was just against the wall that was immediately next to you. So it splashed entirely back all over your clothes. There was a fence. So I was like, if I chuck, I was getting rid of the mub. Obviously I wasn't going to litter. So I was like, if I chuck and it was like, it was like open bit slats and open bits in between. So it was a real 50 50. It was a Russian roulette. The weather, my coffee was going to sail through the fence. You were traveling at speed.

Straight back at me. You were going full jog. You would have been better off emptying over your head like a runner. Or a jogger. Or a jogger. Or a jogger. For that matter. Yeah. Yeah.

And we'd gone from arriving early for the train and very confidently having time for coffee to boarding the train covered in coffee. With an empty cup. Clarkie going round saying, can I wring this out of my t-shirt into your cup? Does anyone want it? Does anyone want to have a chat with a man drenched in coffee? Has that all bought any spare? Oh, terrible. Talk me through very quickly and I'll probably know the answer to this. You want to have a chat with a man drenched in coffee? Is that all bought at a spare?

Oh, terrible. Talk me through very quickly and I probably know the answer to this. The logistics of meeting someone on a train. Had you booked seats? No. You're not meeting them on the underground for fuck's sake. No, it's the overground. So it's like he's a few stops before me.

So he's like, I'm getting this one. And then we, and then we sync up. And does he say, I'm in the middle carriage? Does he? Yeah. Does he specify the carriage? That kind of thing. I'm too down from the front. Does he step out the door and wave to you on the platform? Oh, that would be nice, but no. Not with his hands full of coffees. Tom, you waved like with both the hands. Wait, Tom, you waved like with both hands. Yeah, I was going to say that's a different mime. Yeah, I was going to say you waved with both. If you were holding two coffees and you had to wave at somebody, I don't think the method

would be a coffee in each hand and wave with both hands above your head. Would it not? But you're on the overground, so you've got nowhere to put the coffees. You would hold one in your hand, you have one up against your torso, protected by your arm, and you'd wave with the free hand. Any kind of movement there and your chest is hot scalding. Tom, remember the alternative here. Your alternative is one in each hand waving your hands above your heads.

There's no easy way here. Yeah, there is. The one I just described. The perfectly easy way of holding two coffees, right? In your arm and hand and then waving with the other arm and hand. Surely that's the easy way. Or that trap though. That trap trap if it's a paper cup, if you apply any kind of squeeze to it, the lid might pop off. Yeah, see, Clarky knows. This is a man who is used to getting doused in piping hot coffee. You've got to listen to him, he's the voice of experience

on this. Well then don't do that. I don't know, it's not bagpipes. Look man. Look, if you want to spill a coffee all over yourself, I'm your man. Was one coffee from a markedly better place than the other? Yes. Yes. And we made the terrible mistake of drinking the nice one first and the second coffee was dreadful as a result. Which one were you trying to give away? Obviously, I would have given away the dreadful one.

Yeah, that's why they wouldn't give it away. That's why they weren't talking to you. I guess that's just an insane type of guy I am. I would have given away the nice one, I guess. It's just two different schools, I guess, isn't it? Oh my god. Pay it forward. Just say it forward. The face of this guy.

The smug face of this guy. Yeah, it's a good smug face, wasn't it? It was. I only ask about meeting on a train because, and I'm sure this is territory that I've hauled over before, but there is no greater thrill is there than bumping into someone you know on the underground. The sheer chances of it. It's either the greatest thrill or the worst thing ever.

Yeah. I mean, if you're running into someone that you're happy to see, fantastic. I'm not having to see anyone on the underground though. I got off I got off a carriage. Oh man, who was it? On to a carriage and halfway down Was it it was a comedian? I just thought oh fuck and I jumped straight off and got on the next carriage and really hoped they hadn't seen me. I thought it was worth the risk.

And it was like before I could think about it, I'd done it. Why is just like, oh, right. It was like a physical. It was like an immediate physical. It was like, oh, God, not that guy. And then I suddenly on the I remember this carriage. It was me. I remember. I remember. Not that guy. And then I was suddenly on the next carriage. It was me. I remember this.

I remember this. I remember this. Not that guy holding me with your coffee. Ah, Tom, help me. Two under each arm, two in each hand. Help me is a really funny thing to say as you pour a coffee over your own head. Save me from my own arms.

Tom, help me. I'm using your method. This is the thing, the classy thing is the acknowledgement and the we don't need to do anything more than that. That's, I think, the classy maneuver. We get it a lot because the, because the, I often get the train that's, that's straight away after school drop off. Right. So there'll be a lot of parents there and no parents want to have a conversation with each other.

That's just not what we want to do. We've just done the drop off. Yes, we've got a lot in common. You know, we've got kids in the same class, but we're all on our way to work. That kind of nod of a head or a little morning and then moving further along the platform. Very classy. I love it. I mean, for me, famously, it was the Ian McGregor house, which it was the what? Ian McGregor

house was my rival at school. We really didn't like each other. We were captains of like at school in We really didn't like each other. We were captains at school in the cage. We're going to have to stop you again. Is this a person or an institution? Yeah, in McGregor House. Ian McGregor House. Oh, House, right. I thought Ian, because Ian McGregor House seems like the name of the council of class. Oh, this was me in McGregor house. Oh, this was me in McGregor house. All that. It's my favorite coffee shop McGregor house.

And I won't get one free. So you got to get to in McGregor house was my rival at school in the playground. So you class boy, double barreled. Would you know it happened to be double barreledled? Or just happened to be double barreled? Yeah, just happened to be double barreled. Playground rivalry. Yeah, like real footballing rivalry. Didn't like each other.

Played hard against each other. And let me think about eight, nine, ten years, ten years after leaving school, I'd finished university and we're walking down the street in Wolverhampton and he's walking towards me and I'm walking towards him and we clock each other and there's that like, do we start to slow down where it's like, we're gonna have to stop now and be polite and do the nice thing and be like, how are you, how are you?

And we just kept walking and as we kept walking, we both really started smiling and then we like were both quite chuckling to each other and then it was like great we don't have to do this and it was like it I really liked him like oh time is you're all right you are you're a great bloke it's like and it was completely silent and it was like we're not gonna we're not gonna do this are we no we don't have to and it was like great and off we go and it was like cracking And then like we kind of as we were walking past it was like big smiles. It was like love that What was he laughing because your ass was stuck in a chair?

Yeah, yeah, I pulled out all this but his was too. We're a lot of like you and I Come on down the streets. Does anyone know the way to the doctors? I got to get me a sword at my belly. But I do I do love that. Because you think whatever silly, petty grievances we might have had, you know, 10 years ago, they seem very, they seem very, very far in the rear view now, don't they? Just felt like it was all lifted, it all lifted and it was just like, and we're not even going to, what was great was we're not going to do the perfunctory, how are you, so what are

you up to, where are you working, which is what you do with everyone that you bump into you went to school with, you know. So it was, it was, it was lush. Yeah. Tops. It was one of my favorite encounters. That's great. Cause that's now completely reframed.

Yeah. 100%. IMH for you. Yeah. So all of those, if anything, you don't have that amazing closure on almost anybody else you went to school with. Cause the run-up was so kind of fraught. The ones, the ones I've killed and buried I do. There's closure there. It's the families who don't have closure. That's right. Sorry. It's the families.

Because they can't find the bodies. The families are the victims. Yeah. Yeah. That's right. It's the real sense of that. There's a real sense. Did you have reunions? No, there have been reunions. I've been to, but not for not for absolutely ages. And they're not they're not like official ones are they? No, because the like the American system that people sort of talk about of like, you know, there'd be like a kind of planning committee and they would do it on the you know, the 10 year anniversary of

you all graduating or whatever. That doesn't seem to exist in the UK. It's like a big trope, isn't it? It's like a big sort of trope of like American movies. Well, we've adopted prom night, you know, prom night and Halloween we've gone fucking nuts deep for. Prom night I think is easier to do because you're crucially you're all there anyway so to say a big party. But I'm just quite glad I'm quite glad we haven't embraced the high school reunion but it feels like I was quite surprised we haven't because it's such a staple of films and yeah TV shows but then I guess in those films and TV shows it rarely goes well. Yeah nobody's looking forward to it. And the people who look

forward to it are kind of the classic tropes are they'll be normally a girl or a couple of girls who are incredibly overzealous. They're the organizers. Yeah, you know, and they still know, remember pre pre preppy energy of you know, there's there's the someone that no one remembers. There's the there's also the guy who was like the king of the jocks who's now, you know, like stuck in a chair. Exactly. He's stuck in a chair in a dentist office. Can't get to the reunion. Can't get to the door. And then there's the, you know, the, the guy who,

whatever works in advertising and has moved out to the big city and it kind of is reasonably successful but still harbors some sort of great love for the girl who kind of got away. There's the nerd that no one thought would make anything of himself who turns up and he's buff and he's rich and he's got a fit wife. Oh, he's now a dot comcom millionaire, isn't he? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And like he has contact lenses in, so everyone's like, oh my God, you look attractive now.

He arrives in a helicopter. Yeah. He's Bezos to himself. There's Bezos basically. There's a Bezos there. Yeah, absolutely. What role do you think you'd be, Tom? How dare you? if you went back? How dare you? How dare you actually?

Sorry. I regret even asking that. What a low blow, man. Kicking a man while he's down. That's not fair. That's not fair. The day after you got stuck in a chair in a dentist's waiting room, you fucking have the temerity. I thought you were my friend. I'm so sorry. Listen, I just hope that in 10 years time I can walk past you on the high street and

not say a word. That's my dream. Oh my God. My dream now is for us to never speak to each other for 10 years and then in 10 years time walk past and just do a perfunctory nod and a smile. There was this girl. I was thinking about this the other day. There was a girl that I met when I was like 16, 17. And we were in this talent competition together. Clarky was around, he was there.

We were in this, we were there as a comedy duo. You and the girl, or you and Clarky? Me and Clarky. Okay, you and, right. But so when you were in a talent competition, you were competing against each other? No, we were combined. We were combined.

We were falling together. We were Tom Who and Ben What? No, no, I know. I know. But you and the girl were competing. Oh, I see. Yeah. Not really. There was no, I think there was like the winner. The winners got to a showcase and that was it. And we had all got to the showcase. Oh, okay. We were competing at different strands. She was musical theatre and we were physical theatre sketch comedy. A strand that we'd invented ourselves. There's no way we're getting in unless we invented it. Because our friend was organising the talent show.

It's like when the guys at Pixar one year went, hey, do you think we should have a best animation Oscar? Right? Exactly, yeah you think we should have like a sort of best animation Oscar cuz They go yeah, we're gonna give it to studio Ghibli You can have an entry for physical theatre slash sketch comedy I Get a guess so We are helping you organize this okay, then Careful with those chairs out. Yeah, I think that's pretty much- Oh no, be careful with those chairs by the way, Tom.

That was our physical theatre act. Oh. Oh. Boop. Put it this way, back then I could have slipped in and out of that chair. Oh yeah. With a flouge of hair.

Not on a skill by the way. Not on a skill, Tom. You do that, you do like kind of David Blaine style kind of hand movements. I could sit down, I could get back up again. Sitting in a chair and getting out of a chair without the chair also coming with you is not something I would pay money to see, all right? Even if you invented your own category for it. I mean, so, so, so suffice to say, basically, the point I'm driving at is we, we, me and this girl hit it off and we would call each other. And it was when I obviously back in

the day when there was just one phone in the house. I don't know why I ended up in the town. I said bouquet, but I am, you know, I can remember her calling my house and spending 40 minutes stood in the kitchen trying to flirt with this girl. I thought she was really great and she was clearly, she was super talented. She was like, this girl's going places. And I think we'd post each other letters and stuff. We became like that kind of thing. Yeah. And then we lost touch and then she entered one of those competitions like to find either a Dorothy

or a Maria or one of them, one of them somewhere over the rainbow or sound of music and stuff. And finished in the top three and then went to the West End and was like for a while she was in the West End as a lead. And what I assume must have happened is, because I kind of followed her career trajectory. Right, okay, you weren't just hanging out by the stage door crying. followed her career trajectory. Right, okay. You weren't just hanging out by the stage door crying.

No, no, exactly. I didn't follow her. I kind of saw her career trajectory when someone said, oh, isn't that that person from then? And I was like, oh my God, yeah, it is. But there was a time and it must have been, I don't know, again, like probably around the the McGregor House incident about 10 years on, no, it kind of been 10 years, but like seven or eight years on, where on Facebook one day she said, does anyone know if Tom Perry's, where I can find Tom Perry

on here or something like that? And it came up with me and it was like oh hi and then I replied to her and then I never heard from her again she replied again and so what I think took place there is that she got out of a relationship and must have been thinking hey I wonder what happened to that boy that I really found attractive when he was 17 and kind of went looking for me on Facebook and then found me and then did not reply to me. That's who I would be at the high school reunion. No.

Oh no, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's who I would be. And like one of mine and Shaps's favorite games to do is, Shaps was my friend from school. So like every now and then people from school pop up on Facebook and Shaps follows a lot more people from school than I do. So his favorite game is to like send me pictures of people on Facebook and go, oh my God, what the hell happened to Johnny Gardner? You know, whatever it is.

It's like, cause like look, look how fan bald he is. He's doing my law at the moment. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was thinking not to use the name of anyone real. And so I plumbed. Whatever happened to Roger Gravedigger? Yeah, what happened to our engravedigger? Yeah, he's in prison now. He killed loads of people.

What happened to James McAvoy? But like, it's like one of our favourite things to do is him send me stuff and go like, oh, no, what happened? He's OK. He's letting himself go. But me and Chris have let ourselves go the absolute most. It's like, like there aren't two members of the whole school who have let themselves go more than us and yet still we enjoy playing that game. But knowing full well that we're the ones who have let ourselves go the absolute most.

That gives you license to say what happened to you now and your ass used to be beautiful to everybody else, doesn't it? Your ass used to fit in chairs. Oh God. Oh no. Oh no. It is a shame. The thinking something's going to happen and nothing happening is very funny. At university, this wasn't even like, oh no, you've aged badly. I've told you about the time when I went round to a friend's house, through a friend Chris's house, basically he said, I've got a bottle of vodka, come round the house, we'll all drink the vodka.

It was a simpler time. It was a simpler time. We were all getting drunk and I was sat next to his flatmate and you know, it was that absolute, you know, we're all getting a bit giddy. They were arguing over who was going to pay for the bottle of vodka and you lent it and said, I'll pay for it. I said I'll pay for it. Which in university days, actually. And they said, thank you. Thank you very much. I'll pay the three quid it costs you. But yeah, so it's, you know, it was, it was, it was very clear that like, it seemed like we

were getting along quite well, myself and this girl were getting, getting along quite well. You know, a bit of the kind of leg pushing up against the leg kind of thing, you know, that kind of classic little subtle thing. Of course. Anyway, gets to a certain point. Chris says, right, I'm going to I'm going to turn in. He says, if you want, you can sleep on the sofa. And the girl sticks around and goes, yeah, I'll be I'll, you know,

I'll be going to bed in a second as well. And anyway, so we're, you know, falling around on the sofa, kissing this kind of stuff. And then she goes, she goes, you know, let's, let's, let's go, let's go, let's go to bed. And I stood up. This is the first time we'd been on the sofa the entire time. I stood up and she stood up and she was half a foot taller than me.

And she just went, ah, she made with the sofa for you. And I was like, yeah, yeah, okay, sure. Fair enough. My one mistake, my one mistake was standing up. But it was, it's such a classic, isn't it? If they're going, hey, this, you know, like literally Shane, let's go, let's go to bed. And weirdly, my one mistake in the dentist's room was sitting down. We cannot win guys. We cannot win. Never stand up, never sit down, never explain, never apologize. Oh yes. Well, another one in the books guys. Yes. into the books. Pop it pop it in the book. Series 40

episode 79. Yes that's right Tom. How did you get nailed in one? I thought so. And if you do want them all in leatherback then get down to our website. Get yourself down to the website guys. Guys, guys, I don't know if you want them in leatherback, but get yourself down to the website. Are we selling them in leatherback? Yes. No, no, no, but only if you get yourself down to the website. No, listen, Leatherback, Leatherback is the name of the killer in the Grave Digger. Oh no. It was Leatherback all along. Leatherback was the Grave Digger. We're bringing Leatherback guys.

Just get yourself down to the website. Get yourself down to the website. If you want them in Leatherback, do get yourself down to the website right and do join the Patreon if you want them in leather back. Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

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whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what you remember what you did guys, just to take your little trip down memory lane you went to patreon.com forward slash papi's flat share. That's what you did. Of course you know. Yes. You had a wonderful time joining up and then you signed up for the four pound tier which meant you got you are you do get an extra podcast every Thursday as well as an early and ad free release on the main feed. That's what you're listening to right now. Exactly. That's what you listen to right now. Exactly. Okay. And if you do want them in leather bag,

do get down to the website. Get on there. Get on our website. Get yourself down, down, down to the dark web. Get yourself on the world wide. We'll be in London real soon doing the live shows as well, so check those out. Come along and have the best night out in London. Bar. What are the other good shows that are going on? One non-musical. Yeah, it is in the bar.

One non-musical. Soho Theatre does a good bunch of stuff. I like the way you specify one particular show and then everything at the Soho theatre. And then just everything else. Yes. One show at the Underbelly Boulevard and everything at this venue that does five shows a night. And if national theatre does plays, if that's your thing. Anyway, you don't need me to tell you about London.

So today's episode was produced by Emma Corsham. Corsham team. Cheers everyone. Bye. FanDuel Casino Daily Jackpots, guaranteed to hit by 11pm with your chance at the number one feeling. Winning, which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute? I do. Who wants this last parachute? I do. Daily Jackpots. A chance to win with every spin and a guaranteed winner

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