Pappy's Flatshare - Ep 1504: Belated Late Bad Great Great

Episode Date: February 26, 2025

We're back in your ear canals. In this episode - a big belated Happy Birthday to Matthew, as Tom peruses life's buffet buffer and Clarky stays homeDon’t forget…You can get the show early and ad-free (plus a bonus episode every week) by joining our Patreon https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshare Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Select games only. Guarantee void if platform or game outages occur. Guarantee requires played by at least one customer until jackpot is awarded or 11 PM Eastern. Research and supply. See full terms at canada.casino.fando.com. Please play responsibly. ["The Last Post"] ["The Last Post"] Greetings listener dear, I'm Tom.

I'm Ben. Sorry. And I am Matt. No, I loved it. I thought you did it perfectly. You got the name right. Oh yeah. The name was right there, man. Thanks guys. I thought you did it perfectly. You got the name right? Oh, yeah. The name was right there, man. Thanks. That's not always been the case.

That's not always been the case. You really stuck with me. Can we do it differently? Go on. Let's hear it, Clarky. How would you like to do it? And I'm Ben. Lovely. And welcome one and all to this episode of... Parry's not happy with you reading there. Parry, would you like another shot at it? Just felt less fresh than the first one. Yeah, it felt less.

It was authentic. It was authentic that first one. Yeah, that's true. I'm Ben. Give us one more time. I'm Ben. I'm thinking too much about it now. Go with the first take.

You're in your head. Yeah. You're in your head. Yeah, okay. For everybody listening to this, just let those second two be struck from the record. This, this is the official take. Welcome to an episode of Papi's Flat Share.

We're delighted to be here. I hope you are too. Yes. Before we get cracking, though, we should just, we should just mention. We've not gone cracking. Well, you know what? It feels like we're already quite,

we're crackling along, aren't we? Yeah, exactly. We certainly are feels like we're already quite, we're crackling along, aren't we? We certainly are. But we should mention our Patreon. Firstly, a big thank you to everyone who's joined recently. You are getting early and ad free episodes on a Tuesday. You're also getting the bonus episode, Pappy's Flat Share Pop Round, every single week on a Thursday, plus loads of other goodies and promo codes for our live shows as well. So thank you very much for joining. If you haven't yet joined, it's patreon.com forward slash Pappy's flat share. So get there today. So easy to remember. It's the name of this show at the end of patreon.com. Very easy. Very, very easy. Any other biz? I don't

think so. No, we're going to get into this chat where we talk about your, er, why you had a special day. I had a very special day. And you know what? Every day is a special day when you're listening to Pappy's Flat Share. Pappy's Flat Share Talk about whatever. Pappy's Flat Share How we've been doing this forever.

Pappy's Flat Share But we don't really live together. Pappy's Flat Share But we don't really live together. Happy's Flat Share Yeah! Okay, big news for me. I turned 45 last week. Happy's birthday. Thanks, man.

Thanks very much. For last week. For last, well, here's the thing, right? Now we've talked about this before, like when's the latest point in the year you can say, Happy new year, right? Yes. What is the earliest you can say happy belated birthday?

Because I, here's the thing, right, basically I got, you know, my birthday was on the Wednesday, a present arrived on the Saturday, a very nice present. You're welcome. Yeah, thank you. And it said happy belated birthday. And I thought, well, the weekend of your birthday, that's still your birthday, right? So all it felt like was we saw some people saying,

happy birthday to you. We then remembered it was your birthday. It feels like a happy birthday I forgot. Yes. Is what it feels like. And I think if they just had the courage of their convictions to say happy birthday, I wouldn't have gone bloody on it arrived on the Saturday. Do you know what I mean? Whereas when it did arrive, I was like, oh, so you didn't. There's something inherently apologetic about the word belated. Exactly. You've got a jettison. You've got I think this is it. This is what I'm saying is I feel like you should just get rid of the word. Right. Just get rid of the word belated.

Just say happy birthday. Even if someone gave me a present six months in six months time and said happy birthday, I'd be like, great. Yeah, thanks, man. I'm getting a present. You know, I don't I wouldn't be like, oh, it's not my, you know, I don't even think I'd go up a little late. late, I would just go, great, here's my prezzy. I feel like that's...

Yeah, and I think my tactic is next day, say, hope you had a great birthday, mate. Yeah. That's what you say. You don't say, you don't say, oh, sorry, I forgot your birthday. You don't say happy belated. You never use the word belated. So you're wading with hope you had a great birthday. That's the next day. Otherwise fucking cut and run. Never. Just don't even go back.

Don't even know if it was ever a birthday. No, no point. My question is why belated in the first place? Is belated only for birthdays? And football? You've got a football match to go to. Did I start saying football? Yeah.

Are we keeping you from your five a side game, Clarky? It was a belated kick off. It's a good point though, Clarky. It's a good point poorly made. But yeah, you're right. We don't really use it. You use it for anniversaries. Sorry for being belated.

It's all right. Sorry, guys. The Chaffett was a nightmare today. It turned out to be so belated today. Yeah, belated. It's just got to go. So, late must have derived from belated, right? So, I'm belated.

It must have been like, for Su-Thayam, belated. Yeah. Yeah belated it's just so it's just gotta go. Late must have derived from belated right? So it must have been like for sooth I am belated And it's like that let's just cut that down over time. It'd be I'm late. Yeah, okay Yeah, lose the D lose the B at the start. Keep the for sooth. Yeah Wait, is that what you were gonna say? Were you gonna say for sooth not for sooth? Clarky I'm so sorry forsooth the kickoff were belated. But you go, so I reckon late and again, someone's going to know this and be screaming at the

record, but I obviously derive from belated. Belated got trimmed down over time for everyday stuff. Because it's quite fancy for the birthday stuff, it stayed. Yeah. Because it's quite fancy for the birthday stuff it stayed. Yeah. Where do you stand on late for dead? How do you feel about the late? Not paired with the not paired with the great but just the late. Well paired with the great it's doing great things. Yeah, it's wonderful So like late great great having a little bit of a great sorry wait late great great late great great granddad Yes, the late great great great great granddad What if you had a great great grand-grandad who was a rotter you're in problem You've got trouble there. I mean you because if you're saying my late great-great-grandad

You might be saying you've got a late great-great-grandad. Hang on. Sorry. Let me stop there You might be saying your great-grandad was great and he's dead. Yeah Yeah, if you want to say that your great-great-grandad is dead, but he was a rotter it's very difficult to get that It's true. It's really true my late bad great-great-granddad My late bad great-great-granddad Is that a eulogy gig? Is that a movie with Robert De Niro and Zac Efron?

It's the fourth one in the franchise. Yeah, it's really, they've really picked up the ball around with it. Speaking of picking up the ball guys, I'm belated for a football game. We just hurry this along. But yeah, I think you've talked about this in the past before, but the birthday, there's something quite sensitive about the birthday. Let me just talk you through my birthday very, very quickly because I didn't want to feel because nobody asked exactly. No one asked how it was. And now I'm just going to talk about it. But no, this is, this is the problem. This is what I find tricky about a birthday

is it gives you an unearned sense of entitlement, which means, so for example, Charlie was working, so she was away in Glasgow. So already she wasn't going to be there. That's fine. It's work. It has to be right. You know, you have to you have to you have to go. You have to go with the workers. And the work was in a different country. And so she was there.

She was responsible for booking what day she was gonna be in Glasgow. That's true. They gave her a bunch of options. Come up and see what we're doing up here anytime in the next three months. She said, what about the 12th of February? I said, oh, it's a bit tricky for us.

No, no, no, no, no. 12th of February. We're not really doing it. You can work from home if you like. No, no, no, no, no. 12th of February. Listen, I booked the train already. I booked the train already. But her office is hard. No, no, no, no, yeah. You can work from home if you like. No, no, no, no. 12th of February. Listen, I've booked the train already. I've booked the train already.

But her office is hot. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. We're working in London. Yeah, yeah. But it's a fine city. It's a fine city. We'll meet on the train.

A hot desk. Yeah, anyway. She hot desks her way all the way up to Glasgow. And then on the morning, I'd arranged to have some breakfast with some friends. Now I sent out a message to the two of you, right, and Tom you said I'm not going to be in town, I'm actually in Glasgow. I'm in Glasgow.

Funny coincidence, yeah, yeah. Clarky said I won't be able to make it, right? He said I won't be able to make it and I said basically yes, you will I sort of I went back through the message. I was like, oh, yeah, I just got a strong argument He said I can't make it I'm at work and I was like no you'll make this and then you go to work after that Anyway, as I'm going into the restaurant, I get a message from Clarkie going. I don't even know why I agreed to this And I and I felt a pang of guilt, but I also felt a bit of fright. I was like, I know why you agreed to it, it's because I strong armed you into agreeing to it.

As I'm going into the restaurant, Clarkie cancels. Anyway, prior to this, I would prior to this cancellation, Clark, that's a layman's but no, but can I just say in his defense, he counseled when I said, do you want to come? And I said, I'm not accepting this cancellation. And so Clark, he was just left to go, well, when do I cancel again, because I'm going to have to cancel, I'm at work. For some reason, though, I was like, no, I think I can do that,

even though we were meeting at 10. And I had another meeting at 11. And I needed to be back home. And this was in town. So yeah, I've done that before. I I I went for it. I was supposed to be in studio at 10 a.m. and I booked a 9 a.m. meeting in Beckenham. And I got out at like quarter past 10. And then I went, oh, I'm now 15 minutes late for work. And I'm in the wrong side of town.

The studio is in Shepherd's Bush and I just did. My brain didn't go. Oh yeah, you can't, you know, you're not going to teleport to the next meet anyway. So that's that's both late late. But we're both late late and not in the great way. Like your great great uncle was great. I'm a huge fan of. I hate being late.

I hate being late. And lucky, yeah. Really? Listen, hating it and doing it all the time, they're not mutually exclusive. You can be honest that you live it with yourself constantly and that's Clarky's situation. He's like, why am I late again?

I'm a huge fan of buffers now. I give myself massive buffers. Yeah. Yeah. Well you have to as well because because I've seen your massive buffers by the way. They're gorgeous. They are very exciting to watch. The trick is you give yourself massive buffers and then you fill your buffers with food. That's what I've realized I do. So just very quickly. And I don't want to hop off Crosby talking us through his birthday. What a day it was. I had to get to the train station for 10 to 11. Got to the train station at half past 10

which gave me 20 minutes to get a bacon and egg sandwich. Love it. Lovely bit of butter. Plenty of time. Not even that hungry. Got to the train station. Got to the next train station. You know, got there with 20 minutes to spare for my train to London. Got myself a bucket of M&M's. Wasn't even hungry. Just filling those buffers with food.

Oh, Tom. Got to London. You need trouble, mate. Two hours to go until my meeting. If it's two hours. Two hours early. This is too many buffers. This is next time message me.

I will go for breakfast. Buffers all over the shop, but you can't if you put someone into your buffers, then it stops being a buffer. It becomes another meeting. Oh, yeah. Then you're harried. So instead you want to pace it out and eat a lot. Little, little and often grazing. That's raising your way through the day. Yeah. Exactly. Just on my fifth burger, my fifth. Get to my meeting. They say, do you want something to eat? Of course I don't. But I'll take it. I've had

a buffer buffet. My buffer buffet all through the day. Just a very spread out buffet table. Yeah, great. That's the way to do it. No rush. Crossbow is your... No, no, I'd like to talk a bit about this for a second if we may. The Buffer buffet.

The Buffer buffet, yeah. So the phase that's leaping out at me, and I think it might be the same phrase that's leaping out at the listener as well, not even hungry. Not even hungry. Not even hungry. Something to do, innit? It feels constructive. Yeah, I guess so.

I guess so. From like a hunter-gatherer perspective. Have you not got the chess app on your phone or something like that? I mean, I guess you can do that and eat at the same time, can't you? Yeah, of course, of course. It's not stopping you. I've got a crossblade chess, I drink some Gaviscon. That's fine.

I've got my hip flask of Gaviscon, got chess app open, grazing away. It's hunter gather... It's what the hunter gatherers must have done. When you can, eat, then you go again. Can I just ask ask when you're saying to when you're saying the fattest when you say to Jane oh I'm off I'm off to go and sit at a train station and eat some food for two hours no no you look after the kids what she's saying to that no no no you say I have to leave the

house by half past nine so you don tell her that you're going to Burger King? No, you don't tell her that your meeting isn't for five hours. I have to leave the house at half past nine. Your meeting's tomorrow. My plane's at half eleven and Burger King's a detour. Burger King's a 60 minute detour. 60 minutes! Each way obviously. Do you remember when we were gigging? We were gigging up by Norwich and we were living in London at the time and we just got in the car and drove out to the services that had a nice Burger King. The Oxford services yeah because it had a Burger King for you guys, KFC for me yeah. We got there we were having a Burger King, and then we said, so where's the gig? And we were like, oh, it's on the other side of the country.

We've just driven to the services that we wanted to go to. Shot to the services. Basically, the gig was an excuse to go to the services. We've now eaten a terrible pre-gig meal, like the worst that you could eat, a Zinger Tower burger before you get on stage and we're late for a gig that's on the other side of the country. Well, you know, that instinct has never left me. You know, you're just factoring it in.

You don't factor it in. The buff is there first. You know, the food doesn't drive the agenda. Apart from a couple of times where... You want to go to a big sandwich shop. Yeah. I mean, literally there was a case at Christmas where I had a meeting in town, but I had two meetings

and I thought, if I boomerang up the Thames, I get to go to that sandwich shop that everyone's doing on Instagram. Can I ask the question, what do you mean by boomerang up the Thames? He's making it sound like it's Apollo 13 and he's like slingshotting. He's like, it'll give me more momentum to get to the sandwich shop. Yeah, it's pretty much exactly at my brain work. Because what we did was we boomeranged, we boomeranged up to Oxford and then

boomeranged back down like a boomerang would do, returning to where it came from, back to London and drive to Norwich. That's boomeranging. Boomeranging is, in traveling terms, a waste of time. Yeah, I mean, yeah, exactly. Basically, I lost 90 minutes to go to this sandwich shop, a sandwich that was so big that it took up most of my meetings. I thought all I did was tell them about it, show them pictures of it and was

absolutely no good for the meeting because I was too full. You're in a hammock in the corner. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got, you know, I kind of got done by the old Instagram food thing. And we've all been there. Practical. It's not a practical way to live. That's right, because prior to Instagram coming coming along you never ate, did you? You're a terrible victim of social media.

If someone eats and doesn't post it on Instagram, does it make a noise? The Om Nom Nom. Does it make the Om Nom Nom noise? I'm sorry. exciting live dealer studio exclusively on FanDuel Casino where winning is undefeated. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. So anywho, it's only then it's done me over. Normally I'm a very efficient, look the buffet, there's the buffer, sorry. I'm not fucking, can you tell I have no breakfast? The buffers there, you know,

just to allay yourself time to get there. Do you know what I also like to do? Do you ever do this? Do you scope out, like Ronin, do you remember the De Niro? I do remember that, yeah. Opus, Ronin. Opus, yeah, yeah. Where they always get to the meeting first to scope out

their exit always have an exit strategy yes and I always remember that was pretty cool I always thought that was a cool thing and they kind of he gets to they're always in like little French towns and stuff aren't they in that in Ronin and so he gets this cafe and he looks out where's the fire exit where's this they do it quite a lot in slow horses and so he gets this cafe and he looks out where's the fire exit, where's this. They do it quite a lot in slow horses and shit like that. I always like to get to the meet early, have a little scope around, walk around the building, go and see where, you know, don't quite check out the fire exits but you kind of go, I should say I'm meeting assassins.

Have you ever been in a meeting and gone, I don't know how to leave this meeting? I mean, I've been in meetings. I thought I don't know how to leave this meeting. Yeah, yeah. But the escape is not because you can't find the fucking door, Tom. It's because. I don't know what my exit strategy is for this sentence, but I'm still talking.

So what do you what do you gain from that when you go around walking around? I mean, apart from you sell the nerves, you're more time. Yeah, you settle the nerves. You can visualize, you know, what you're walking into. You're not surprised. Are you dressed? Are you dressed well enough for it? Just imagine something. Hold on. If you're not dressed well enough for it,

have you got enough buffer to go and buy a suit or something? Always not buying a room around toomerang to Savile Row. These 20 minutes to yeah, exactly. Nice prep near Savile Row. I love the way your buffers are just like the places that you can literally go to anywhere, you know, some. Yeah. So you go, you know, but you can scope it out. It's a good one. Visualize the meeting, pop off, have a snack. Visualize the meat.

Visualize the meat you're about to eat. Visualize the meeting you're about to have. Tom, can I just say, I feel you have too much time on your hands. This is the job. This is the job. You've just created this job, but we're not been paid for any of this, are you? If anything, you're spending money buying suits and burgers. I lose a lot of money on these meetings.

Exactly. You're going in for a meeting. They say no, this is a workable project as well. Yesterday was a very expensive day, actually, when you look at it. 40, 50 quid lost on food. 40 quid on food? I've been depressed. So 40-50 quid lost to food. Any successful meetings? Did anything happen there? We wait, we wait. Now we wait.

Now we wait. They were very impressed at how unstartled he was by the painting on the wall when he turned up. Took it absolutely in his stride. There was an eerie calm to Tom Parry as he strode into this office which looked like every other fucking office in London. Yeah. I can't remember what the meeting was about other than him talking about the sandwiches but it was good still.

You know most of these places, London's full of just doorways isn't it when you actually stop and look at it. There's loads of fucking doorways man. Yeah, there's lots of places that are not the countryside. And I've heard that when one closes another one opens but I've never found that to be true personally. Your motto is when one doorway closes it remains closed. Yeah Where one closes go home have a little cry Is don't try to sleep in that doorway I'll say will move you on

So any who we digress and I digest away from your birthday. Can I just say as an apology, if I'd have clocked that it was your 45th, I'd have brought you brimful of ash here on the 45th. So, the 45 on the 45th, yeah. So, can you imagine that's the gift that I sent you? Yeah, fantastic. Can you just imagine I sent you a gift? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I imagine you acknowledged my birthday, yeah.

Do you think that's as good as a gift? I can't believe it! There was a WhatsApp message. No, no, no, there was a WhatsApp message. Of course there was. Of course there was. Prompted by other people. It's a little belated.

Do you think that's as good as a gift? Is that what you're asking? If someone says a week and a day after your birthday, if someone says here's what I would have bought you, do you think that's as good as a gift? I'm going to tell if someone says a week and a day after your birthday if someone says here's what I would have bought you do you think that's as good as a gift I'm gonna tell you now the idea of it you could look if I'd have bought you that yes just clutter in your house no one needs any more stuff anymore oh thank you from Marie Conver in my life in fact for your birthday I'm gonna come to your house I'm gonna take something

away you know what for me that would be an absolute blessing. Tom does need that. I could give him three or four boxes of food wrappers. Let's get back to Crossbow's big day. So I was already as I got off the tube to go into this restaurant I was already feeling a little bit butthurt because I had seen my parents that morning, they take the kids on a Wednesday and I'd said to them, okay, so we'll all go, you know, I'll pick up Cleo from school and we'll all go to Pizza Express and we'll all have a little bit of food there. And my dad said, yeah, or somewhere else. Okay.

And I said, oh, what's going on? And he went, yeah, or somewhere else. And OK. And I said, oh, what's going on? And he went, yeah, your mom and me don't really fancy pizza. And I was like, yeah, it's my day. It's my day. Yes. But and that's it as well, because you get the two feelings simultaneously where you go, right. Oh, it's my birthday.

And then you go, yes, but you're not an eight year old. No, no, no. You know what I mean? Like you're right there. You're absolutely right. I'm not an eight-year-old no no no no you're right there you're absolutely right yeah i'm not an eight-year-old i'm 45 yeah but they're not an eight-year-old either they can they can like a little bit can't they it's your birthday you didn't come to your fucking breakfast hey hey i did i did insist it was in a certain restaurant to be fair though I did insist it was in a certain restaurant to be fair though.

So I'm not going to make it but please, please be. Clarky, at what point did you, are you telling me you only realized on the morning that you weren't going to make this breakfast? Well, surely you must have realized the night before. I have. I have something to, I have something to admit. I hadn't realized it was in town. So I assumed it was going to be, because we live quite locally So I assumed it was going to be because we live quite locally. I assumed it was going to be in the South and at least one of the other people on the invite list was South as well. So I didn't Google the place until the morning when I was getting ready. And then I was like, Oh, that doesn't sound like you.

Well, so where am I going? And in my defense, because I said I was in a meeting at 11 and you were like, I think you can make it. I was like, Oh, it must be local then. Cause I was like, Oh, go. Well, I thought you said, you said a call and I was like, yeah, you can make a phone call. But, but yeah, anyway, listen, was it the walls?

Yeah. Piccadilly. Anyway, listen, this was like the walls of the walls. Like, yeah, Piccadilly, you assume that was impending. I don't know. Listen, ever since we moved out of Christopher, it's gone really up market. Tom, they've opened a branch of the walls. Lee, these 15 minute cities are not far off. How about the Ritz? Sydenham High Street's Ritz I should say

Yeah yeah yeah The shits as it's known Fortnum and Mason's in Crystal Palace Yeah yeah yeah yeah it's really nice The Forest Hill Fortnums Popped a ham, let's get him a little present Okay so Anyway so then that's that's the pizza on your big day. Didn't fancy. So So anyway,

that's bad. Yeah, I'm with my on this. Yeah, I message you know, I message my my message my family. I sort all that out afterwards. Anyway, then I get home. But by this point, Charlie arrives home. She arrives home in the evening from work. And she says, oh, you're your prezzy that I got you, which was a new running watch. She said- Jogging watch. A jogging watch, of course, a jogging watch, yeah.

She said, I've just got the photo of it being delivered and it's been delivered to a house I don't recognise. I don't know what it is. And then and then so we look and and say, for example, we live at, you know, 170 on our road. She's sent it to 17. She's left off a digit. Yeah. So then a couple of days later, she goes down

to the road. Yeah, well, she's working. She's working. Going to the bad part of the road. She goes there. She knocks on. It's one of those. It's one of those houses where you go. We're never seeing this. You know, she shows them the photo and they're like, no. And she's like, yeah, but it arrived. Maybe could someone else have picked it up? No. Can we ask them? Because I can hear other people in the house.

No. So that's gone. Oh, they're wearing it. That's gone. They're wearing it. Absolutely. Is that it? No.

No. So, so again, you know, and Charlie's sending messages to DPD going you send it to the wrong house. But she was going, well, I can't be annoyed with them because I told them the wrong house. She's like, they didn't leave it in the safe place. I said it's like, yeah, because the safe place is outside our house. This house didn't have a little recycling shed to put it in. This house doesn't have a safe place. That's what the sign on the gate says. There's a photo of a dog and the sentence this house doesn't have a safe place.

Beware us. As far as we're concerned, the rest of the world is the panic room. But what I didn't like about the whole day was I didn't like the fact that it would make me go, no, it's my birthday. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, you've got to cut that shit off now across both Like you got to, yeah, you got to cut that shit off now. Crossbow. You have to, don't you?

You have to. And it's, it's bad that it's bad that you feel that. And I think it's one of the problems with the, with the birthday. I think you've talked to him in the past about, you know, wanting to basically abolish birthdays for adults, but, um, it felt very much like I was, I was, you know, I very much understood what you were saying there. Because I thought it's doing it's setting this thing, you know, in the same way that like when you have your seventh birthday party or whatever, you always end up bursting into tears because nothing quite, you know, like it's been weeks and weeks and weeks. Your parents telling you, oh, it's going to be exciting.

You have a birthday party, all your friends are going to be there. And then when you get there, you're like, it's just it's too overstimulating. There's just too much. You put you build it up too much in your head. And I think I think the first thing we can do is get, you know, and then Saturday comes along. And because I was like, raw, the belated hit me really hard. And I'm like, why am I upset about belated? You know, why? Why? You shouldn't use it.

Belated tears. Yeah, I felt like I was right. It just felt all too raw, you know, and none of those things on their own are bad things. Cumulatively, it meant that, you know, it was a toughie. Shall I cancel this delivery of corner shops brimful of ash then? No, no, I need it more than ever. If it says the word belated though, I'm snapping it in two. Yeah, I know it says corner shop on it.

It's gone to the wrong place. Sadly. You got to collect it from the spa. Clarky for your breakfast. He went to a corner shop at Pentry Street. To be honest, that was just a buffer, but it was a very nice. It was a very nice breakfast and Z Zizi's was lovely in the afternoon. You had a great bash for the 40th. You had a great, you had one of the great,

one of the only 40th birthday parties of our generation. Of our generation because all of our friends turned 40 in lockdown. So that was my revelation was on my 40th, I couldn't leave the house. I didn't leave the house. My sister sent a big cake and that was it. And it was fucking great. Yeah. Cake and that's all I did. And it was like, do you know what?

I had a lovely day. No one had to do anything. And I think now you said I've got to go up to my room two hours early. You left the rest of the family downstairs. I've got quite a long journey up the stairs to my bedroom. I've left the cheese sandwich halfway up the stairs. Tom, lockdown doesn't mean you have to be in a locked room at all times. Yeah, I'm afraid it does, guys. I'm afraid it does.

I'm just going to eat this. I'm quarantining myself with this birthday cake. Once you cross 30 you're allowed a big party on the big boys on the deuces and that's your lot then but you should barely even mention that it's your birthday obviously with the exception of Clarkie thank you you know it's different well mine's a national holiday of course exactly exactly we're now in that period we're now in the pre-Clarkey's birthday period. Yeah, exactly, exactly. So I think with that obvious exception,

I feel like, you know, that I tell you, I think the actual way to do it, the boring playbook, if you wanna know. Let's hear the boring playbook. Yeah, let's, yes please. Is keep your eyes peeled for an event that is on or around your birthday that people would want to go to anyway.

Yes. Organize going to that. Don't even mention it's your birthday. Oh. And then at the end of the night or during the event or when people are there go, oh, thanks a bloody lot for remembering my birthday. And this was for my birthday and it's been lovely and everyone goes, Oh, great. Yeah. Happy birthday or whatever. Like,

yeah. Or you'll be, you don't even necessarily have to mention it. But you go like, look, we've got, there's this, there's this, you know, this band are playing at the art center or, you know, Oh, there's a nice chat, the library or someone I want to go to trance coming with me. And then it's like, Oh, that was for your birthday and you know it was for your birthday. People who were there because they want to be there. There's no sense of obligation. No one's fucking showing down on dough balls. They don't fancy. And it's like, you go, you haven't put anyone out. So that's the playbook. I think just, you know, you market, you market it keep it peeled. It's solid the other thing I will say suggest though is

Doing it in Sydenham. Yeah. Yeah, first of all, could you not do it in on the hoof? Just outside, we don't a Doc's Clarkie, but yeah Please I do on the hoof I need I need time to prep Please don't do it on the hoof. I need time to prep. I need time to finish this hoof. I've just ordered myself. We should tell the listener there, on the hoof is the name of the cafe that's across the road from Benz. Yeah, we shouldn't. Well, we shouldn't tell the listener that. We should bleep. That's what I, that's why I moved on from it. But should we bleep the name? Which word, which

word in on the hoof should we bleep the name? Which word? Which word in on the hoof? Should we bleed? There's a lot of, there's a lot of addresses opposite off on the hoof. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was going to say the other quite nice thing though is is that feeling is being being kind of annoyed and feeling called done by so No, I don't like it. I don't like being No, I hate it it's a part it's a fast bit and I think that's what I find tricky about this is what I find the Yeah, exactly. It's like you've been late clucky. It's a bit aspect of my, and I think that's what I find tricky about. This is what I find the, yeah, exactly. It's like you being late, Clarky.

It's an aspect of my personality. I think that's what, why this birthday was tricky for me. It's because it ramped up a part of my personality that I despise, but comes very easily to me. I think that's what it is. I don't get any pleasure from being affronted, but I feel affronted all the time. The other thing that I think is quite good to do for

your birthday and I've never employed this tactic but I've always wanted to because when I was in my late 20s I think I probably read a Martin Amis novel where... It does sound like you yeah yeah. Yeah yeah I didn't finish it I started a Martin Amis novel and the lead character used to drink, used to be an alcoholic, I think, used to smoke, used to- Oh, you're always an alcoholic. Drugs and stuff like that. Yeah, sorry, yes, of course. But he's now T Total.

Yeah. Except on his birthday, he leaves his family home, he walks to a restaurant, he eats a steak, he drinks a bottle of beer and has one cigarette. And it's like he marks... He has a rum springer for his addictions basically. He just has the single, dips his toe back in the water and then kind of goes back to his life.

It's kind of that's where the novel starts. And I kind of thought, oh, there's something quite smart about like just do one thing on that day mark it yourself don't mark it yourself mark your day yourself right you're not saying set yourself up as a brand I was addicted to setting myself up as a brand and son just once a year. I had to get off Instagram. Use the promo code Tommy's birthday for 20% off your first offer. On my lunch break I'm going to go to an art gallery

or I'm going to have a really fucking... I was trying to turn it away from food. I was trying to turn it away from food, but like on your lunch break have like a go and have a really fucking nice steak or do... That's what you do already Tom, every day is your birthday. I was trying to steer it away from that. Also, you have to give something up first. By the time at your lunch break you're on your third steak. first you're on it by the time you lunch break you're only third steak

we know that there's something in that as well that's not that might be the new tactic but like basically factor out other people basically yes yeah I think that's what you want to do yeah my birthdays now are what other people I think I think that's the other thing as well is like when you're when you when you become like a dad as well. Yeah. Like your dad's birthday is such an event for the kids that actually you're it's not about you really. That's the that's the reason I picked pizza express because that's where the kids will eat. That was also a big part of it. It's not where the parents will eat that's the problem Come on guys Play the game

Play the game is you know, but pizza Express is basically one of the sort of three restaurants Locally that the kids will eat it luckily ZZ is another one so they were happy to pivot And the third one's on the hoof, right? On the hoof, they love it. They never miss it. Always there. Anyway, yeah, well, happy birthday to me. I'm off to- I hope you had a good birthday, mate.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, you're not gonna say happy belated birthday. No, no, no, no, no. I love this. Happy birthday, mate. Just, you know what? to say happy belated birthday. No, no, no. Happy birthday mate. You know what? You heard how my birthday went.

So you can hope all you bloody well like. I'm sounding pretty good if I'm honest with you. It actually was a very nice birthday, but it required a lot of personal growth. And I didn't want to do any of that. I did the only thing that was getting me. Growth while I was at home not coming to your birthday actually. The only thing I thought was, oh, I can just complain about this on the podcast. So that'll be all right.

Perfect. That'll be. No more talk of your birthday until the big five-o please. Okay. Happy to do that. All right. Happy to do that. You got a half decade of me not complaining about my birthday and then,

oh my God, the floodgates are going to open. Absolute bitch fest is what I'm going to have. That's what I'm going to get all my advice. That used to be his voice. He was calling women bitches. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Every birthday he treats himself. Have you seen Crosby's invite? Wow wow wow every birthday he treats himself

Have you seen Crosby's invite? Can this be struck from the record please? Absolutely pal! He walks into one of them He just calls everyone a bitch I'm blushing, my kids are very very welcome I'm banned. Listen you're gonna you are gonna absolutely love bitchfest 2030. It's happening. It's happening guys. We've gone from reducing what you do for your birthdays to curating a festival.

That's right. It's going to be like the fire festival. There's going to be a documentary about you know like Woodstock 99. Were you there at bitchfest 2030? Yeah. No it was fucking horrible. Fuck he wasn't. No but I texted 15 minutes before I was supposed to arrive. Don't worry. Don't worry. I got in there.

I got in there early doors. Crosby's parents weren't there, not for them. Not for them. Yeah they were at Bastard Fest down the road weren't they? Yeah your mum and I didn't really fancy, didn't really fancy Bitch Fest. That's funny. That's odd anyway Clarky what have you got planned for yours because it's coming up now isn't it's coming up very

soon well I'm gonna have to cancel cancel bitch fest now he has gone I've nicked the idea all those flyers are you you going to do any are you going to do anything big for your 45th parry are you going to? No I haven't done anything big for my birthday now for about 10 years and I don't think I think that'll probably be the case for a while. You don't that's going to change. No. The way you the way you live your life Tom the way you live your life, Tom, the way you live your life is like somebody's having a birthday. You know, I just, you know, I just go and have a big cake. I might put myself in a couple of meetings on the day, turn it into a real treat.

It's a double steak. You're eating a steak, then you're staking out a building. That's how it works. Steak out and a steak in. A steak out and a steak then you're staking out a building that's how it works stake out and a stake in a stake in happy birthday parry there we go there we go there we go uh another one in the books. So anyway before we go to the thing. I'm so sorry. Tom mentally you're gone aren't you? you're absolutely gone. But also the thing is even you clocking off is not stopping talking.

It's just it's just asking anyone else if they take to what's it's all. It does feel like he's just going to slow down until he gradually comes to stop. It's really yeah. What's your day looking like Tom? We've got to ask what are the buffers looking like? Cause it's 10 to 10 in the morning now. Yes. This feels like a day ripe for buffering.

I've got to be somewhere at half 11, so I better leave pretty soon. You're leaving now? Of course you are. It's 20 minutes away, so I've got to leave right now, really. You think I better leave right now. That is very much Tom's MO. Gotta try and fit in an 80 minute brunch. So anyway.

Might I recommend the Walsie? Very, very nice. Yes. Great. I'll head to South London right now. You can do it. Okay. Well, lovely stuff.

Today's episode was produced by Emma Corsham. Corsham team. Cheers everyone. Bye. Bye. Hey, you're a Canadian podcast listener and that makes you important to us. We'd like to know more about you, what you think of this podcast and the other podcasts you'd like to hear.

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