Pappy's Flatshare - Ep 1505: Pappy's Flatshare Slamdown with Ivo Graham & Lorna Rose Treen - "Plaster the Walls"

Episode Date: March 5, 2025

Neither Tom nor Ben wants to plaster the walls… so Matthew says we’re gonna have to have a flatshare slamdown!Matthew Crosby, Ben Clark and Tom Parry Wicks recorded live at The Pheonix Cavendish Square with guests Lorna Rose Treen and Ivo GrahamIvo Graham - https://www.ivograham.com/Lorna Rose Treen - https://www.lornarosetreen.co.uk/Don’t forget…You can get the show early and ad free (plus a bonus episode every week) by joining our Patreon https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareWe’ve got 2 live Flatshare Slamdown shows in March MONDAY MARCH 24TH: HARRIET KEMSLEY + JOZ NORRISTUESDAY MARCH 25TH: SUNIL PATEL + AISLING BEAGet tickets to either show (or a special discounted ticket that gets you into both shows!) right here: pappyscomedy.com/live Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Greetings listener dear, I'm Tom. I'm Ben. And I am Matthew and welcome to another exciting episode of Pappy's Flat Share Slamdown. Oh, flat share slam down. This time round it's 2025. What do you think about that as like a little slogan to use? It's a great slogan. It's really good man. Thank you. It's really good, man. Thank you. It's bang up to date. For the second one of the year. Let's, this time round.

I mean, I guess, I guess that's true because the last one you heard was recorded in 2024. This is the first one we've recorded in 2025. So I guess you're, you know what? There's nothing wrong with it. The more I think about it, the more I like it. You might be able to spot a few changes to the tones of our voice that'll be 2025 talking. We've got more and more decrepit we're getting older and older. Welcome to some sweeping

changes in this flat slam we're a little bit older. This was this was a doozy by the way. It's a recent decent is how I like to call it. It's fresh in the old nog, which means I can remember the names of the guests. Oh great. Wow. Yeah. That is exciting. Age isn't dimming you that much, is it Tom?

No, we had the brilliant Lorna Rose tree. There was such a good air at the start. We had the brilliant. It's right there guys. It was recent. She was brilliant. She was brilliant. Oh God such a fan of Lorna and and also the ubiquitous Ivo Graham. Do you know what ubiquitous means?

Classy. No. It means he's everywhere. It's almost it's almost a bit of an insult you'd use to people. No, he's ubiquitous becoming a good way in a good way. The positively ubiquitous. Yeah. I vote Graham. A dear friend of the pod making I I think his fourth appearance we worked out.

Believe so. Yeah. Fourth time's the charm. Right up there is one of our most ubiquitous guests. That's true. Do you know what? The more I hear it, the more I like it. Can you be ubiquitous and lugubrious? Does lugubrious mean a little bit drunk? No, I always think of lugubrious as being, I guess you could be lugubrious if you were a bit drunk. Thank you. That's the permission I've been looking for. I sort of think of lugubrious as like somebody who is kind of sort of holding court and talking at length. Is that we go is that right?

Legubrious and ubiquitous and legubrious. I've O'Graham. I thought is a type of Barry. Oh, you know what? Do you know what we're both wrong means sad? Any other way it means sad if you're legubrious you look sad his face look more legubrious than ever Right. Sorry. So it's from the Latin Graham. Joy, you're lugubrious, you look sad. His face looked more lugubrious than ever. Right. Sorry. So it's from the Latin. Graham, join us. Lugere. With the eutermorn. He was in mourning. We should mention that.

Right. He was in mourning. Well, that's a long, that's a lot of time using lugubrious the wrong way for me then. Yeah, that's a shame. That's made me feel legubrious. It should mean quite merry and a little bit tipsy. Yeah, that's what I think of as well. I think of legubrious as being somebody who's sort of, you know, exactly, you've got a glass

of brandy in your hand, you're being extremely legubrious. You know, you're sort of telling a long anecdote, you're Peter Houston offing it, You know, it's that kind of thing. That's what I think of a legubrious figure. Okay. What are we going to need a definition change on that word? I'm afraid. Yeah, we're going to. Yeah, guys, neologisms. This is we're starting them here. It's very 20. What's the what's this time at 2025? This time it's 2025. We're using the goobiest in the 2025 sense. We've reclaimed the word. Anyway, is it Langerious? Is that what I'm thinking of? Is that the word I'm getting? Maybe. Yeah. Or Langerous. Yes, I think that might be it. No, that's tired. That means tired.

I was going to say, let's not. Otherwise, right, let's, we can't do this where I say a word. I don't know the meaning of looking up and say it's the opposite meaning of what I said. Anyway, let's not. We will. We'll be here all day. We need to talk about the next few flat slams. We have to. Yes, please. Because as much fun as we had recording these last two that we recorded,

that's in the past. We've got to get some new ones in the can. We're going to be going live again this month on the 24th and 25th So we are we are back Monday 24th of March. We've got the brilliant Harriet Kemsley and Jaws Norris Oh on Tuesday, March 25th, we've got Sunil Patel and Ashlyn B Oh some fantastic guests some newbies, some returning guests. It's going to be a sensation.

So if you want to get tickets for any of those shows or both of them, go to pappiescomedy.com forward slash live. If you saw that queue in the post office, you'd, you'd, you'd, you'd nudge someone, wouldn't you? If you saw those four lined up at the post office, you'd be like, hello. It's a nudgeable queue. What's going on over here then? It's a nudgeable queue of guests.

We've got 24th and 25th. We've got them coming down to the Phoenix in Cavendish Square. So there are a few different ways you can do it. You can buy a ticket for the Monday show. We like that Monday, fun day. You can buy a ticket for the Monday show. We like that, Monday, fun day. You can buy a ticket for the Tuesday show, the Groovy Tuesdays, we enjoy those guys as well. But what we really love is Double Trouble.

You can get a ticket for both shows. It's a discounted ticket, it gets you into both shows. And don't forget, if you're a member of the Patreon, you get a discount code that gets you two pound off, not just the Monday ticket, not just the Tuesday ticket, but also the double trouble ticket as well. So that's all the more reason to get yourself over to the Patreon, patreon.com forward slash papi's flat share if you haven't already. And if you have, we thank you very much. Lovely. They're always an absolute treat. These live records. So come down and join

us if you can. And yes, similarly, if you like what we do and stick out on the main feed, then do hop onto the page for God's sake, because every Thursday we stick out a bonus episode called the pop round where we read emails. We we really let it all hang out over there. So, you know, get to Patreon, bungers, the price of an expensive coffee and you can get an extra pod every week. Pretty sweet.

Pretty sweet. Clarky, lead us into the record. You champion. Oh baby, lock it guys. This one is an absolute beaut. Torben! What is it Matthew? Yeah, what is it, you little angel?

You are our little angel Matthew. Oh thank you so much. Well listen,, I'm livid with you guys because look at the state of our walls. They are so full of cracks and not the sort of funny, wise cracks you hear in our podcast. No, the horrible deep cavernous cracks you'd see on our decrepit old faces. One of you two has got to plaster the wall once you finish injecting me with Botox. Who's it gonna be? Oh it's not gonna be me Matthew. You know I've got a terrible relationship with plasterers actually. I actually trained to be a plasterer and on my first day I fell into a vat of cement mix. It was absolutely mortifying.

Well that's not bad actually. That's a good start from Clarky. That's... Par start from Clarky. Parry looks genuinely panicked. Yes. I've had to make notes. Yeah, quick. Make your notes.

It's not going to be me, Matthew. I've had a terrible time with plastering because once I was hired by, you know that singer who wrote the song, Something Inside So Strong? I think so, yeah. Mr. Sifri, right? Do you remember him? Yeah. Yeah. Remember his first name? Labby. Yes. He hired me to plaster. He was building in his garden, like a kind of welfare kind of center. There was like a sauna and a jacuzzi and a splash pool.

He was building one of those in his garden. Oh yeah. I hired Arnold Schwarzenegger to do it. Yeah. He turned up and instead of him doing it, he had brought along a coworker who was only eight months old. I said, this is unbelievable. This is unbelievable, yeah. I said, Arnie, you better get started. He turned around to his young coworker and said,

plaster lobby spa, baby. Plasta Labby's Spa. Plasta Labby's Spa, baby. Plasta Labby's Spa, baby. Every single person, he owes you a big apology. That's what they do. That was good, strong stuff from Tom Perry. But listen, there's only this. In hindsight, that's what they do that was good strong stuff from Tom Perry but listen there's only this it's good in hindsight that's really good in hindsight actually we should end the show there but we have to plow on we have to plow on there's only one ways! So we're getting the Lampdowns! Flat Chest Lampdowns! Hello and welcome to Flat Chest Lampdowns! The panel show that says,

Cut my life into pieces! This is my blasted wall! I'm those two landlord Matthew Crosby. Mercifully brief. Mercifully brief there. I couldn't have handled any more. It would have been just too metal for me. Let's meet my handyman.

It's Tom, Perry and Benedict Clark. Hey! Now, Clarky and Perry, you can't plaster the wall alone. Who have you brought to smooth things over tonight? Ben. I have brought my fourth cousin five times removed. It's Lorna Rosetree. Lorna!

I'm here! Your catchphrase? I'm here! I'm here! You miss it when I'm gone. She was here. Is that what you have in your gravestone? She was here? She was here.

A little wink. A little wink? A little wink? You're going to go for the winky emoji on there? Because there's not enough emojis on gravestones, but I guess as this generation passes on, we're going to start seeing them, aren't we? Yeah. Oh my word. I want a gravestone emoji on my gravestone.

Oh, better. Gravestone emoji, crying emoji, thumbs down emoji. Yeah. A vagina emoji. Winky, winky face. Winky, winky. When are they going to bring in the vagi... What is the vagina emoji. Can't have the... Winky, winky face. Winky, winky. When are they going to bring in the vagi...

What is the vagina emoji? It's so hairy. It's just, it's the hair emoji. But if you peel it back, there's a vagina underneath. Oh, there's an Easter egg. I wouldn't put an Easter egg up there. No, no, of course. Of course.

It's the wrong season for it, isn't it? We're still in winter. That's a springtime pursuit. So with that in mind, and by which I mean, putting that out of my mind as quick as possible. And out of your mind and into the, you know, get out of my dreams, get into my Easter egg holder. But anyway, it's great having you on the show.

So, what kind of a flatmate are you to live with? What you like to live with? I'm overly affectionate. Oh really? Yeah, physically. And how does that, very tactile flatmate, how does that manifest itself? Legs up, always.

Always, you're hovering. Yeah. Always legs up to greet somebody as they're coming through the front door. Shake my foot, yeah. On the sofa, I'll put my legs up on you and I'll cuddle up to you. And then you'll push me off.

You're like a Persian cat. Yes. Except not Persian, from the Midlands. Okay, a Midlands cat. You're like a Midlands cat. And who are you currently living with and how do they feel about this tactile situation? I'm with my partner so thankfully he enjoys it or at least tolerates it.

Sure, sure, sure. But previously when I've lived with friends they haven't enjoyed it so much. Have you got exceptionally long legs? It feels like they could intrude. Yeah, like Mr Tickle's arms. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. On my legs. I thought you could ask, Tom, have you got exceptionally long legs? Do you reckon you could do my house as well?

Tom, you live in Exeter, mate. It's a big ask. Where do you live? Mr. Tickle, the book finishes by Mr. Tickle saying, or the book saying, and Mr. Tickle could tickle you right now. It's just like arms coming into the room. Thank you. Yeah. Do you know how they all finish?

Yeah, it's my thing. Testmate. Mr. Strong. And Mr. Strong might be lifting you right now. Go again. Mr Bump. Mr Bump, don't go there! Go again.

Little Miss Somersault. You bastard! No, don't! Mr Somersault! Not again! I know them all. Mr Greedy. Please, Mr Greedy, don't be a bad boy. Tom, Tom, I hate to say this, I think you may have been sold some knockoff books.

You should stop reading them to your kids immediately. Please Mr Greedy, don't be a bad boy. I've certainly had to say that to you a few times, Dom. Anyway, I can't believe I'm saying this, but can we talk about vaginas again? Yes, well, Lorna Rose Trean is here. Thanks for coming on the show, guys. Thanks for coming on the show, Lorna. She was here.

She was here. She was here. She was here. She remains here. I'm still here. Are you going to pop your feet up on Clarkie? Yeah, you want? Sure. Anyone else? I could probably get some. You've got two feet, why not? Absolutely. I'll get you later Tom. So, Parry, who have you brought with you? Well, Matthew, the Jamboree's in danger. Which Mr. Man have you brought with you? Yes, I've brought Mr. Oh, Mr. Lovely.

Oh, it's Ivo Graham, everybody. Ivo Graham is here. Love this man. If you're not careful, he might be being lovely to you right now. Oh, no, Mr. Lovely, no! It's too lovely! It's too lovely. It is, it's clawing. Can I just ask how does the Mr. Lovely book end? That's what we just did. We've got a few questions for you, Clarky, but we'll have them in our debrief afterwards. Could you please listen all the way through the show for the first one?

Can I just ask, where are we? Mr ADHD! They're probably publishing that, aren't they, bloody these days? That's what they teach the kids, right? Mr Spectrum, no doubt. Mr. Spectrum. Oh, Tom. There's such a fine line between the character you're playing and the stuff you actually text to me. You've seen this article in The Guardian.

Bloody woke nonsense. Anyway, I vote. It's great to have you here. Yeah, thank you very much. Ivo, what sort of a person are you to live with? What parts of your body are you draping over other people? Great question. What are your key body parts to drape?

Well, I've not lived with you, but I've roomed with you since I was last on this podcast, do you remember? We have roomed together. On the continent, no less. We did room on the continent. We were roommates on the continent for a magical three hours in a room. That's right. We did.

We had a lovely time, didn't we? Yeah. And we'd been out drinking, it was on a stag do. And before you went to bed, you said, I've really got to go to bed because I've got to get up in three hours to get the train home. And I said, would it be all right if I played you Tonight Tonight by the Smuskin Pumpkins? And you were like, yeah, I guess so. And I just held my phone up to, huh?

Yeah, yeah. Hey, Ivor. It was great. At one point, Matthew put his phone in the glass to make it a bit louder. No! No! I thought, I'm chilling with the big boys. Yeah. Listen to this bit, this bit's really good too.

No. Did I tell you when I saw them in 1997, that at first they didn't, and an acoustic set, all these acoustic songs. Did you think you were a recording of Gig Pigs? I really, we could have recorded, that would have been... That would have been lovely. No, I think recorded that would have been lovely. No, I think it pretty would have been a problem actually.

But I'm very pleased to see you Matthew because it was your birthday two weeks ago and I didn't get you a card. So with On My Way to the Phoenix, I've stopped at Cards Galore to get absolutely bent over by their pricing structure. And I've got a choice of three cards. Oh great! That's quite good actually because me and Clarky didn't get one either. So this first one is actually genuinely charming and I got a couple more for later in the year. How many birthdays do you think he has in a year? Like the king! Can I just send you a birthday card a month?

Yeah! It would be such a lovely tradition. Absolutely, yeah. Fantastic. Why not? I love that. I think I may pivot to Oxfam. But you don't get this kind of quality in Oxfam.

In banana years, you're bread. So I don't get this kind of quality in Oxfam. In banana years, you're bread. So I don't mind that, a bit of fun. A bit of fun. It's good material. Tom, need a little explanation? Yeah, I don't get that. When bananas get really old, you turn them into banana bread.

Right. I tell you what, don't get that card for Tom's birthday. I thought it was Cockney rhyming slang for dead. Oh no. It's quite threatening. To be fair was Cockney rhyming slang for dead. To be fair, it does sound a bit like that. Yeah, if Ray Winston turned up at your door and said that to you, you'd fucking shit yourself. For a number of reasons. What the fuck are you doing here?

I don't love the idea of Ray Winston using the phrase in banana terms. But also you have to remember about these card shops is like, obviously that is a bit insulting and it sounds like it's a euphemism for dead, but so many of the other cards you say just like, you're old you cunt. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck off, have a gin. I think we are culturally in decline. The reviews are in. And then this is a nod to a previous episode of mine on Flat Shed Sampdown, Born to be Wild until 9pm. And I had, I think it would be Fedde called it, a sort of panic attack trying to sing

along to Born to be Wild on a previous episode. I cannot wait for the music around in this one. And then this one I thought was a bit of, this is the final option. Matthew, have you been on 8 Out of 10 Cats? I have. And how do you think it went? How dare you, actually? Who are you, the producers?

Well, I've got a card from them, which is 8 Out of 10 Cats, think you're a cunt. Wow. That's just on sale. Wow. Yeah, it's strong. Um, so which one of those would you like? I'll take the eight out of 10 cats. Oh, great. God, of course I will. Okay. Terrific. Thank you. So you're going to write it during the show? I'll just have it as a sort of option. Great. Okay. Fantastic. Yeah. And then I'd like to give

these to people in the audience if that's all right. Of course. Of course. Does anyone want in banana years, your, your, your, your bread? Anyone got a birthday coming up or a birthday of a friend they're going to in the next week or so? Yeah, yeah. No, but I brought stamps as well. So they don't need to go. You brought stamps? Whoa.

Stamps. Yeah, yeah. They absolutely saw you coming. Yeah. Anyone for those? I'll take Born to be Wild, please. You'll take Born to be Wild. Fantastic.

No, Born to be Wild until 9 PM. Thank you very much. Remember the time being structured. So there you go. Oh, also, in. No, Born to be Wild until 9 p.m. Thank you very much. Remember the timing structure. So there you go. Oh, also in these cards, I have written at the bottom and from Ivo Graham, whose excellent book, Yardsticks for Failure, is available. No, no. What an elaborate publicity stunt.

He's doing this all over town. There are. There are more cost effective promotional strategies, admitted admittedly than birthday card hand stamps. Bernani, is your bread anyone? Oh fantastic, if you'd send that across. That's great news. The book is, I can't stress this enough, excellent. Today I was putting the final edits on a chapter about watching LCD sound system at Glastonbury with Tom Parry and it's about how they just got back together after, and they'd broken up and you thought they were never getting back together.

You're talking about me? Well, no, I said, Tom Parry from Pappy's, a group who know a thing or two about fake goodbyes. And I thought that was a lovely little... Wow. That's a lovely reference to be enjoyed by eight people. I like that. Four of them are here.

Anyway, let's not worry about that now. Ivo, yes, you are a lovely person. You're a very tolerant person to live with. What's going on with your gravestone? We've got to ask... No gravestone. Fire emoji, please. Get it gone. Get it cremated. Get it gone. Get it gone. Can't wait for Ben to ask me the same question in 10 seconds. I would if I was listening. Well little, we have met our guests now and I am already putty in their hands. So let's find out who's going to get some on theirs as we play Round 1! I can't imagine Or just give it a go That wall fell down I put it up again And yesterday did it get fall down

That wall fell down I put it up again And yesterday did it get fall down That wall fell down I put it up again And yesterday did it get fall down That wall fell down I put it up again

And yesterday did it get fall down Don't I put it up again, and yesterday it did again fall down Thought I'd give it a go I'll watch one YouTube video You prepare the wall and then you prime the wall Then you mix it all and apply it all You use Thin Mix for troweling on the first coat and Aligar Mix for troweling on the next coat Should I just hide some more? the first course and a lighter mix for traveling on the next course. I guess everything fell down, I guess everything fell down I guess everything fell down, I guess everything fell down I guess everything fell down, I guess everything fell down I guess everything fell down, I guess everything fell down

I guess everything fell down, I guess everything fell down I guess everything fell down, I guess everything fell down I guess everything fell down, I guess everything fell down I guess everything fell down, I guess everything fell down I guess everything fell down, I guess everything fell down I guess everything fell down, I guess everything fell down I guess everything fell down, I guess everything fell down I guess everything fell down, I guess everything fell down

I guess everything fell down, I guess everything fell down I guess everything fell down, I'm about to get up and dance. Hard to do a slow phase. Hard to do a slow phase. To be fair, that song absolutely killed at your gig in Berlin. Ha ha ha. The first round tonight is called Plastered Cast. I'm going to give each player a list of five TV shows or movies and they have to get their teammate to guess the film or show.

How are they going to do that? By acting out a moment from that show as if the people on it are drunk. That is how we play Plastered Cast. Each team has 90 seconds on the clock and will take it in turns to guess. One point for each correct answer and I'll award up to 10 points to each team for collective boosiness and up to 10 points for the overall winner of the round. Okay, we're gonna start with Tom.

Clark, you're going to start. We're gonna start with Tom and Ivo. Tom, those are yours, Ivo, those are yours. Okay. Okay, those are your films and TV shows. You've got two minutes on the clock. Who wants to go first? I don't want to go first. You don't want to go first? I don't mind going first. Okay. Sorry. I don't want to go first. Throwing your team out under the bus. Okay. Tom's going to go

first. We'll do Tom, then Ivo, then Tom, then Ivo, then Tom, then Ivo. Okay. That's how we're doing it. All right. You've got 90 seconds on the clock. Bottoms up. We're gonna need a bigger shot of whiskey and then a bigger boat. Can I say that's Jaws? That is Jaws. That's one point. Fantastic. Yes. Goodness me, I'm drunk on this spaceship. Gravity? He's going in two-footed.

I'm so hammered I don't even know who my son is or father. Empire Strikes Back? It's part of the more general Star Wars. Yeah, yeah, there we go. There we go. Fucking hell, it's a baby coming out of that. Get on the phone, quick. Alien? Oh no, it's the olden days, I'll go to a phone box, but first I'll be drunk. Is that Arnold Schwarzenegger? Ring, ring, ring, hello bartender, call me a midwife! Any ideas Ivo after that clue? Call the midwife. Yes, well done. Yes, yes, yes.

Guys, I'm, goodness me, I'm so drunk from watching football all day. Match of the day. And now I've got to watch the same matches but shorter. Yeah. Match of the ha. That's a good advert. In America mind. Ha ha ha ha. Oh, here's one. Smooth with Mad Men. Yes, yes, yes. Get the bit in Mad Men where they're always going,

we're in America by the way. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, here we go. Um, I'm so drunk. Yes. You always say that when you're drunk, don't yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, here we go. I'm so drunk. I always say that when you're drunk. Thank you. I'm so drunk. Please stop playing me tonight, tonight by the smash. I've had such a bloody load of drink.

I'm going to say some pretty witty things about a selection of TV programs. Oh, that's your time, Tom. Any ideas what it is? TV addicts with no, it's not tele addicts. Tom, by the way, that is exactly the sort of show I would write down. I'm going to go, no one remembers that. So I cross it out and I write Golgobox instead of course. What it was. So there we go with the, with no ledments, of course. Goggles box. Goggles box is what it was. With Noel Edmonds of course. So I think you scored five points there. Okay, so you scored five points overall, but I'm going to give you, for drunkenness, I'm going to give you seven points there. Seven points. Five I did keep saying he was drunk. He did say he was drunk, yeah. Seven points.

Tell don't show, that's my rule. It's very hard to mentally leap from the cinema to the screen. That was one of them, yeah. My next one was The Shining. I was not looking forward to that. I'm so drunk coming to Hotel. Yeah, I'm so bloody drunk that I think

there are two of these girls. Um. Your catchphrase. Listen, what happened on that stag do? Your catchphrase. Listen, what happened on that stag do? Let's move on from that, shall we? OK, so Ben and Lorna, you are up next. Your two minutes begins now. Oh, I drank too much stuff beer.

That's a Simpsons, Ben. I am 100 percent really drunk. This is a visual thing. Underneath my fringe is a pint of whiskey. Yeah. Yes. Oh, fucking hell. I'm too drunk to be up here with this fucking Pugil stick.

I don't know what a Pugil stick is. Yeah, I'm bloody hitting people with that. I'm suddenly Australian. I'm Australian! I think they have a franchise down there, actually. Pugil stick. Yeah, I'm throwing balls, I'm... The Travelator! Fucking hell, this is too much. The Terminator.

Pugil stick. Oh, Lord of the Rings. Yes, it was Lord of the Rings. Give you half a point. Yeah, go, go, go. Touch my big finger. E.T.? And then listen to Tonight Tonight.

That's not a finger. I am so drunk I'm struggling to walk backwards but here is another band. Oh, Jules Holland, Jules Holland. Can we ban starting with I'm so drunk please? I have a scar on my forehead because my parents died and because they were so drunk. This is what happens if you ban I'm so drunk Tom. Is this the world you want to live in? Harry Potter. Yes Ben. Yes mate.

Oh there is no spoon but there is a bloody pint of beer. Cliff Richard. I'm the one! But I'll have another two drinks. That's Lord of the Rings. No. I'm the one. James Bond. I'm going to slow motion dodge some bullets. That's your time. That's James Bond. Any idea? Yeah, he does. To be fair, he does dodge. Oh, The Matrix? It was The Matrix. Oh, am I gonna? Yeah, go on. Yes.

I know. So you scored six points there, but what am I gonna give you for drunkenness? I mean, you did say we're drunk. Yeah. Both sometimes at the start, sometimes at the end. You mixed it up. I'm gonna give you...

I did an accent for one of them. You did an accent. You can't give an accent when you need to. I just realized you've given, I did an accent for one of them. You did an accent. I just realized you, you've given me gladiator, not gladiators. That's why you were doing the Australian accent. I was going to say, it all makes sense. See, I am drunk. So it's five points. So you actually scored the same as them, five points. And what am I going to give you for drunkenness? Can I give you? I am a woman.

You're a woman, okay. I get plus points. That's the next round where you have to say, I'm a woman and I'm in space. Is this Star Wars? Yes. Yes. You know what? Because Clarkie is genuinely quite drunk, I'm going to give you eight points

there so not only do you win the round, you win the ten points. Emma bring them over please. Congratulations, you win the ten points. Yeah, here we go, big round of applause for the ten points everybody. Ten points. Oh my God. Can I have the Guinness? So there you go.

Thank you. Ten pints. Well done. Oh my god. Can I have the Guinness? So there you go. This is the best day of my life. I'm not old enough to drink. There you go. Just pop them all in front of the winning team there. How they wish to distribute them is completely up to them.

Congratulations guys, well done. So, producer Gwyn. Producer Gwyn, I'm assuming that means that because we only played one round and they won it, they're in the lead. That's absolutely right. The scores are Tom and I have 12 and Ben and Lorna have 13. That's absolutely right. The scores are... Tom and I have 12 and Ben and Lorna have 13. Whey! So, Ben and Lorna are in the lead,

but also have the distinct disadvantage of having to drink 10 pints before we return. Do fancy our chances in the second half of the evening. Everything could change in the second half. See you in just a bit! Whoa! Welcome back! Welcome back baby. Thank you Tom. Thank you Tom. What I was saying was welcome back to Flagships.

And indeed, welcome back baby. Before the break Ben and Lorna were in the lead. The scores haven't moved and neither has the disaster that is my cracked wall. That 10 foot mural of Brandon Flowers is riddled with gaping holes that seriously need some plaster. It's all killer, no filler.

Yeah baby! We haven't got time, we haven't got time for that, we haven't got time. We simply don't have time for an Indie Disco. It's on to round two, Flat Games! Let's play together, games! Let's play forever, roll the dice, spin that thing, put that dance, do as you're told, games! If you lose you get nothing, games! If you win you get nothing Games, if you win you get gold

Gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold Do you hear that, Taskmaster? Don't want that on your records, do you? Mess up your scripted banter, would it? What is that? What does that mean, Tom? What the hell? What's your end goal? It's not Top Gear.

This week... It kind of is, man. On flats. It is. Right, right. Very, very quick. You always have to ask this question when Tom's like, how many episodes you watched Tom?

I don't watch it. He's not watched it. He's got an idea that it's a bit like Top Gear. This week... I'm not a fan of Richard Osmond. I don't watch it. This week we're playing our version of football which we're calling Loot Sport. Loot Sport.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We haven't heard that in a while. It barely even works written down. I would like. I don't understand that. Quick, Mr. Brightside, quick. Bring it, bring it back in. Yay!

We don't have time, we don't have time. We don't have time. We don't have time. The loop of it. Fabiously played on a loop that riff. I don't understand what that means. Well, I'll talk you through it. You're not the only one. I wrote this and what that means. Well, I'll talk you through it.

You're not the only one. I wrote this and I'm struggling. So I'm going to ask each team to sing about something that has been stolen, loot, to the tune of an oldie worldie song, Loot. The teammate must, you know, it sounds like football. I'm Lootball crazy, I'm Luke Ball man. Luke Ball, it has taken away a little bit of his hit-a-man.

So the team mate must guess what famous stolen thing they're singing about. That's my favourite Ting Ting song. It's good, isn't it? It's good. That's not my lute. That's not my lute. One point for a correct guess, but a huge ten points for stealing the show with your wonderful performance We're gonna start with a very own treasured relic from a bygone era Clarkie

You have got green sleeves You should stop wiping your nose on them Not even in the script that one Just off the top of my noggin from a pant I saw So you've got- Oh no, it isn't. Oh, that's not my name, Tom. You've got green sleeves, Clarky Lorna.

What famous stolen thing is Ben singing about? DJ Gwyn, fire up the nano. ["Fire Up The Nano"] fire up the Nano! It is a painting, it hangs in the loo, she's got a cock-et-ish smile. Oh yes, she looks quite fit. I think that's why we all like it. But apparently it was once stolen. And actually that is why it became so famous.

And so I'm singing this very slow song to tell you all about the stolen painting. Oh, beautiful. Beautiful. Gorgeous. Beautiful. I need ten more pints. We all do. That was really, really beautiful.

Haunting. Gorgeous. Gorgeous stuff there. It followed you around the room. It really did. Unfortunately. Like a smell, didn't it? Yeah.

So, yes. Unfortunately. Like a smell, didn't it? So yes, it certainly did. But now before... I had a whole verse on the Da Vinci Code, but we got off. Ranking up again, guys. We've not got time. We've not got time, Gwyn! Now...

Clarke, before I award you points for the performance, which was absolutely superb, Lorna, have you got any idea, and it's a tricky one, what stolen thing Clarke was warbling about? Firstly, I didn't know that she was stolen. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Listen, I'm learning. Oh yeah, yeah know that she was stolen. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. This is helpful, this podcast. It's not just interesting. Stolen and fit, those are the two main things. Stolen Clarkie's heart.

Do you know they didn't know it was stolen for like a week? Why? No one cared about it. Despite how fit she was. It's mad. It was the Mona Lisa. It was The Mona Lisa. It was The Mona Lisa is correct. So you're going to get a point for that.

But it was such a gorgeous song. I've got to give Clarky eight points. Eight points. My four-year-old was trying on. By the way, you see how animated Tom is when he talks about his kids? Honestly, it's just wonderful to see. It's just...

I'm just kind of playing whether I... I was going to say it on the podcast. My four-year-old was trying on jewellery with my wife, and I came to the bedroom and said, you look just like the girl with the pearl necklace. My wife said, it's earringring daddy, it's earring. So that happened this week. The girl with the pearl necklace is obviously the Mona Lisa after Clarky's scene.

Yeah. You know that. That's why she went missing for two weeks. She's been clean. Banned for life apparently, I don't know why. Just stop oil. It's a white clean frame. It's okay, it's okay.

Tomato soup, do you want to see a doctor? Sorry. I want to go. Wow, I thought you'd already crossed it, but no, there it was. Next up, Ivo, your song is La Donna Immobile, which I believe means Donna's iPhone and it's by Giuseppe Verdi but Tom what contraband is Ivo singing about okay it's it's Tarara Bumdie just in case you don't know this song. I thought you were telling me the answer. Just in case you can't read Tarara Bumdie yeah yeah yeah the socialite DJ, pop it on the boombox!

I have not seen this film, so this is a plot point that I'm not familiar with. That was the intro. Oh. I'm starting. He got here at 20 past 7 to rehearse. We haven't got time, Gwyn! We haven't got time. Sorry. Watch G Quinn for the changes. But it's not a change, is it? It's just that all over the room.

No, no, no. I'm only kidding. I'm only kidding. There was, yeah, but it stops and the tune doesn't continue. Anyway, yeah, here we go. This is the bit metal from a famous film which has been remade in the 21st century. You were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off and that's the only thing I know. Drive... Drive... Drive... Drive... Drive... Drive... Drive... Drive...

Drive... Driving in very small cars Across Some beautiful landscapes With a national treasure who's now problematic. But ultimately it is a good film and I also enjoyed the Mark Wahlberg version. If you're on the continent you might be in this country if you were listening to this song and that's most the information that I can give you I used to sing this song about Paulo

Dicaneo it's gone again it's gone again Ivo Graham everybody! Very strong from Ivo, but before I award you points for both songs, I've got to ask Tom, do you know what stolen goods Ivo was singing about? Is Michael Caine problematic though? It's one of those ones, I can't actually remember why. He's not problematic but he's just old He's gross now, I just wouldn't know Okay, that is right to yourself mate, yeah, it's a problem isn't it? Yeah, I

Think though. I think driving in very small cars with the National Treasuries now problematic is a show on gold. With no. Tom, any idea? It's the gold bullion in the Italian job. It is indeed well done, you get the point there. the gold bullion in the Italian job. It is indeed well done, you get the point there. And just because I enjoyed the rendition so much,

I'm gonna give Ivo nine points. Oh, hard earned, hard earned. Lorna, you've got the Folklement Scarborough Fair. There's your stolen item. Clarky, you are guessing. Is the stolen item a herb rack? Because that would be very easy. It would be a little too easy, wouldn't it? Listing spices. No, it is not.

DJ Gwynn, steal our... I enjoyed it, Tom, don't you worry about that. I'm always here for you, brother. I voted for Brexit, said Michael Caine. I'd rather be a poor master than a rich servant. Okay I will sleep with him then. He's back on the shag list isn't he now? Of course he is. Okay DJ Quinn, Stealer Heartwood song. When you win a big football competition, you receive this with your whole team. It's big and gold and has handles.

It's nice for people to see on your shelf. to see on your shelf. It has a fancy name like a woman's name. And then the second part of that is a word is a is a word that sounds like a naughty sex act and then the last word is the thing you put on the shelf Ben thought you knew it until then. I inculcant has not won it recently, because if it had I would know. But it's not the one where the man put the flare up his arse It's sort of more global Lona Rochrine everybody, fantastic!

Can I just say that, that team have been given the two slowest songs in the history of music. So challenging. Yeah. I think I did a perfect rhyme scheme. I thought that was really good. Yeah, yeah. It was all ace. Over eight months.

That was fantastic. Before I award you your points though. Matthew never pulled you up on it, but that was just the intro by the way. Clarky, have you got any idea? Yeah, it's the World Cup. It's the Jules Rimet. The Jules Rimet Trophy, the World Cup Trophy, yes. It is indeed.

So you get the point there and I'm going to give you a full 10 points for the song. Fantastic. I absolutely love it. Haunting. Thank it. Haunting. Haunting. Finally, Tom, we're gonna go way, way back for yours. It's Dakota by the Stereophonics.

Whoa! Like the Jewels are Made trophy, an oldie but a goldie. Pre-ting-tings. Pre-ting-tings. P-T-T. We're going P-T-T on this one. Just single ting. We're going PTT on this one. Just single ting.

But Ivo, what stolen item is Tom singing about? For the final time tonight, DJ Gwynn, do your country proud. Is this bit the intro. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I used to think these things were round, but they're not round. I thought they were round.

Sounds like things that you throw on the ground that are round, but they're not round then we thought we had won so we thought we'd take them took them yes we thought we had won so we took lots of them. But they're not round. Hello Phil, how are you?

Come on Tom, you're doing so well! I don't know if these things are as round As I thought that they were Because I thought they were round But they're not even round You don't throw them on the ground But that's what they sound Like they are round

And you put them on the ground But you don't put them on the ground Because they're not really round. Oh, baby. Oh, baby. Beautiful. So, fantastic rendition there. Yeah. It took all my strength from the song finished not to back-ref it, Radio X style.

I was going to say, coming up in just a bit, bit with chatting to Ivo Graham. But first, we've been asking you what's rounds that doesn't go on the ground? 83936 or what happens to the global player? Next up, the killers. Next up, the killers. Next up. We simply have... Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby! Sunday morning! I don't listen.

Can I just say, I hate coming on to plug a poor selling tour show and having to play What's Round and Not on the Ground for fucking hell. But at least you do know over Zoom, eh? What? Sorry, is that a real... were you annoyed that I didn't... No, I'm not annoyed! You did a fake annoyance, I think. That's why I did a fake annoyance back at you. My most recent appearance on the show, I was going to come in in person and I changed to Zoom at the last minute and the fact that all of this stuff

just gets logged for flat slamming. It's always ready. It's always in the back pocket. I would like it known that I came on, I have nothing to plug and I just wanted to hear it around, not on the ground. Yeah, yeah, that's it. Sorry, Ivo.

Huge fan. Huge fan. The answer's not Eastro eggs, by the way. I've got to go, guys. So, Ivo, have you got any idea what Tom, what's round, goes on the ground, or doesn't go on the ground, it's not round. What was Tom singing about?

It was so much fun. Obviously, the room was having a whale of a time. You were panicking all the way through. I was the loneliest man in the world. I don't know. From the first line, I used to think these things were round. Let's break it down. OK.

I haven't got that first clue. But I'm sure that's just going to be the first of many clips. So, obviously, it was very fun to hear the sort of ongoing theme of them not being round. I got trapped in Kelly Jones' very reductive songwriting style. How dare you? How dare you? You're talking yourself out of the points there. Has the other team got any idea? Yeah, I know what it is. I know it's the marbles. Yes, yeah, yeah. And I think I have the first, I think I have her first name.

Yes. Elgin Marbles. I had that before you said it. Yes, absolutely. The Elgin or of course the Parthenon Marbles. Yes, that's what we were after. Or the Lorna Marbles as we call them. You get the point there, congratulations. When did you stop thinking the Elgin Marbles were around? Like so recently, like four months ago.

Yeah, me too. They put a picture up and they went, these are the Elgin Marbles. And I was like, what the fuck? What shape were they, Tom? Do you know those shapes? They're like fucking naked dudes. Why are they calling them the Elgin naked dudes?

They're all fucking busts of naked dudes. Yeah, that's the renaming we have to do. You thought you could zorb in the Elgin Marble. I love that. You thought I could put an Elgin Marble up there? Only on East Coast. Yeah, I thought you could put an Elgin Marble up there. I love that.

You thought I could put an Elgin Marble up there? Only on East Coast. Only on East Coast. Only on East Coast. Only on East Coast. Only on East Coast. Only on East Coast. Only on East Coast. Only on East Coast. Only on East Coast. Only on East Coast. Only on East Coast. in the Elgin Marble. I love that. You thought I could put an Elgin Marble up there?

Only on Easter. That's how they got them out of the country. Love it from the glass. You should see what's underneath this. Why is Elgin walking funny? Sorry Tom, hang on, did Elgin bring them back? No, right, okay. We can't on, are they Elgins? Did Elgin bring them back? Yeah. Right, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But we can't do that. Can't call them that anymore, can we? Oh, God. It's woke... He voked for Brexel as well, didn't he? It's woke nonsense. It's problematic. Tom, I'm going to give you...

I love the song so much, though, even though it didn't help Ivo in any way, shape or form. Well, the shape was round. I'm going to give you a full 10 points, though. Congratulations. 10 points. So at the end of that round, producer Gwyn, give us those scores to the tune of Greensleeves. We haven't got time. We haven't got time, have we? Ben and Lorna have 24 and Tom and Ivo have 22. Oh, so Ben and Lorna still in the lead. So from olden times.

How about the voice of producer Gwynne by the way? Gorgeous. G. Oh my god. Haunting. Gwyn, to the tune of Scarborough Fair, tell us what you're doing tomorrow. He's coming out of his cage and I don't know what you've heard but he is doing just fine. From olden times to doing time, let's visit the unjust court of the beef brothers Yes, indeed it is beef brothers where each week we ask our Panelists to sort out a flat share based beef and tonight's one comes from Ksenia who is in our audience. Ksenia are you there?

Yep. Well listen, Ksenia's got every right to be a bit put out. Listen to this beef, this is unbelievable. Ksenia says, there is a trap door in my office wall. And the other day I arrived to find five men climbing out of it. End of beef. So. Whoa, whoa, whoa. So now.

Is that our first haiku beef? I think so. There's a trap door in my office wall and the other day I arrived to find five men climbing out of it. Firstly, we have to ask, are you okay? Yeah, yeah, I've recovered. You've recovered okay. Now I'm sort of I'm not entirely sure who the sides are. I think Ben and Lorna you're obviously on Ksenia's side. Of course. Tom and Ivo

you are on the side of the men. Of the five strange men who appeared out of a trap door in Ksenia's office. Now has anyone got any questions? Can I, I normally ask this, are the five men with you tonight? No, you haven't brought them with you, fair enough. Anyone got any questions for Ksenia? Weirdly, none. Okay. I've got a question.

Yes, go on. What shape were the men, were they marble round? Did they roll naturally out of the hole? No, I'd say they, you know, it took them some time to crawl out. Okay, so a few questions. How big's the trap door? It's like two feet, three feet high.

Ooh, okay. And it's in the floor of the office's like two feet, three feet high. And it's in the floor of the office? No, it's in the wall. In the wall. Is that a trapdoor? Yeah. I think that's the problem. Well, we don't know what the problem is.

How big were the guys? How big are they? Again, that's not the question either. I've got a question. Thank you. Finally. What's your office for? Do you sell trap doors? No, I do not sell trap doors.

You didn't answer the question. Can you answer one of the questions, to be fair? What is your office? What does your office do? It's in a university. And were these five men hoping to matriculate? Is the university next door to a prison? Were they holding plans?

The university does have a security system, so it is difficult to get in if you don't have I don't want to know more. I think we do want to know more. We have to know more. Once the guys popped out of this trapdoor. Were they singing hi-ho hi-ho? It's off to where we go. What did you say to them? What did they say to you? How did it play out? I looked at them. Yeah, I would do. They said, sorry, we needed access to the roof.

Had you said, this isn't the roof, mate? Okay, so they needed access to the roof and the only way was in through the walls. Apparently. Were they wearing vests and crawling around on Christmas Eve? LAUGHING They were wearing high vis vests. OK, so they're official.

Had the trap door in your office ever been used before? Not to my knowledge. Did you know it existed? It's very visible. It's very visible. You just have an office with a sort of unquestioned. It's usually the first thing people ask about. And what do they ask? And what do you say?

They say, what's that? And I say, I'm not sure. Can I ask what you were in the middle of? A breakdown? Like, were you busy? What do you mean? Like, you were affronted because these five men came out of the wall. Did they disturb you because you were doing something like an email?

Leading question, you know. I had just left to get some tea. You left? And they came back and there were five men in my office. At what stage, how many men were out when you came back with your cup of tea? Was there like one man half out and then you were like, oh that's weird, then they just kept coming, like the scarves trick that a magician does. There were four men in the room

and one behind the trap door. Were they ascending in size? I'm not quite sure. I think they were all quite large and they all sort of fully, the office was completely full. Very small, small office. Do you get the sense there were more men trying to come out but there wasn't room?

Well they did out of... Were they dressed as clowns? Out of consideration for me they closed the trap door and then the man that remained outside sort of had to punch his way through. Oh, through the wall! He punched through the wall. And that's not your beef. Terry, there's a lady present. Would you mind punching through a wall instead?

I've got one more question. You said that they were wearing high visors. Were they wearing anything else? Did they play YMCA immediately? They were wearing general work attire, like a cowboy and a police man. I don't know who it is. And can I ask, is your university over a Chilean mine? Did you have a nice chat with them?

I, no. Did you have a nice chat with them? I know. Did you find out what they were doing on the roof? No. Would you describe your manner as rude? My manner? A welcome... Leading question. No.

They said, sorry, we'll be out of here in a few minutes. And I said, that's okay. I'm also leaving. Did you leave with them tonight if only if I could find a way out of this room there we go sorry what I was getting to is have you stayed in touch with the five guys crawled out of your trapdoor as far as I know I haven't seen them since but I wouldn't hopefully that is enough information for our teams to make their cases.

So without further ado, I'm going to call upon, I'm going to call upon Lorna Rose Trean to begin your case for the prosecution. Your one minute begins now. Okay. So Ksenia is obviously in the right here because she was just getting on with her day. She was doing her emails in a busy office and these five men came in and intruded her space. They knew they were intruding because the fifth man, the famous fifth man, stayed behind the door, shut the door, he punched his way through. So the fourth man was like we shouldn't be here, we shouldn't be here and the fifth man had

to be like guys what, what's happened? And then when he realized a woman was in the room, respectfully backed away and shut the door, and he said, I'm sorry. He said, I'm sorry. They all said, I'm sorry, we shouldn't be here. And... So you're on both their sides, really? No, no, no, they knew what they were doing. No, because, hey, you can stab someone and be like, I'm sorry.

Yes, that's true. That's very true. We can't. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And you still go to jail. Ah.

Yeah, we're on that side. So the men clearly were doing something dodgy, and they were naked apart from how they were triggered. Let's not forget about that. Let's not forget about that. And they were singing the YMCA. Yes. It was very rude. OK. Thank you very much. Laura Rose not forget about that. Let's not forget about that. And they were singing the YMCA. Yes.

It was very rude. Okay. Thank you very much. Laura Rose Trean, everybody. Thank you. The rest by case. Now, Ivo, you're going to open the case for the defence. You have a minute.

It begins right now. Higher education is inaccessible in this country. Not to me, obviously. I've been on a conveyor belt since birth. But... Your mother doesn't like it when you say that, does she? But even from my ivory tower of wasted potential, I can see that for some people, getting into even a non-Russell group university is a bit of a struggle. And you can slave away to get your grades, or you can find four mates in a shovel. You have to

remember as well there are a lot of people who work at universities they are no disrespect to any of it quite sort of passive operators they'll just sort of sit in their office sort of not even really acknowledging the first four men coming through. You could basically punch a hole in a wall. And even then they won't sort of tell the story with any real sense that anything hugely dramatic happened. Like, we hear a lot about glass ceilings

and that's very important, but what about the men who just want to get to the roof? You know? They're working as a team and they have my full support. Ivo Graham everybody. So Ksenia, two very strong arguments there. How do you think it's going so far? Well, Ivo made a damning case for the inaccessibility of Hyred, but I have to point out it is a Russell Group University. LAUGHTER

Yeah. LAUGHTER Hoisted. Hoisted. Hoisted. Yeah. Hoisted by your own conveyor belts. LAUGHTER Hoisted by your ivory tower. That's your fault. That's what Ivo's short for, isn't it? LAUGHTER

A lot of people don't know that. But you can check that's on Wikipedia, or at least it will be when the episode goes out. Okay, Clarky, you're up next. You have a minute to conclude the case for the prosecution. And your minute begins now. Well, obviously I'm very confused. That's 10 points for you, yeah. I haven't been listening very much. All of these things, you know, this.

It's got me all turned around. Five men coming out of the hole. Stop. The girl with the pearl necklace. I don't know what's going on here tonight. But you know, I actually do know these guys and I happen to know they told me their story and they told me, they said to me, look, coming out of the hole and I'd be doing just fine. I'd be doing just fine. I'd be doing just fine. I'd be doing just fine. I'd be doing just fine.

I'd be doing just fine. I'd be doing just fine. I'd be doing just fine. I'd be doing just fine. I'd be doing just fine. I'd be doing just fine. I'd be doing just fine. I'd be doing just fine.

I'd be doing just fine. I'd be doing just fine. I'd be doing just fine. I'd be doing just fine. I'd be doing just fine. I'd be doing just fine. I'd be doing just fine on the roof like I was going, and now I knew the first thing. Yes, sorry, now. It was only a BTEC, it was only a BTEC. Now it's falling asleep, and my stomach is bad, and I'm trying to get in, but my grades are too bad. LAUGHTER Ben Clark, everybody.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ben Clark, everybody. Very strong from Clarky there, very strong from Clarky. Now, Tom, are you going to be concluding the case for the defence as your good self? No, I'm going to do it in the style of a defence lawyer from a John Grisham novel. Oh, I? Yeah, from the deep south, Mr. Fanshawe Stanton. Fanshawe Stanton. Presiding and providing your minutes

should you need it begins now. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. He-he-he-he-he. Pleasure to see a lot of familiar faces out there. Hell, I recognize you from the joint shop. Not that kind of joint shop, mind you. We not like them to hippies from the city. I'm talking about a loin.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Pork loin, mind you. Not like them cloths from the people from the big city. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Lot of them, their lawyers over there using big words, confusing us all. Universite. Sounds kind of French to me.

Right here, we don't need no universite. We go to church. Hell, I recognize you. Sometimes that's enough enough isn't it you're in you're in this here tail now this here trap door I'm sure it reminds a lot of y'all what happened at the Summer's past. He'll farm a tram. He turns up on his train. That'll be... Gotta get your head around that one first. And he brings with him his prize bull cow.

Hell yeah, kind of walking funny. As bull cow, hell yeah, kinda walking funny. That'd be the fattest damn cow I ever did see. Walking sideways, noisy too. Diagonal shapes coming out of its flanks. Now I'm sure you're all aware of the phrase of Taducan. Someone tries to put a turkey in a duck in a chicken or vice versa and all around there. Farmer Tram had been ambitious that year. Tried to deliver the first ever... Ha! Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha! Bo Bo should go to the can. Ha ha ha! A Bo within a Bo! Within a sheep, within a goat. Within a turkey. I'm sweating just thinking about it.

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Forgot to remind him that they should be dead I'm sweating just thinking about it. Forgot to remind him that they should be dead when you do it. Taste this damn sandwich I ever did taste. Kill your animals before you place them inside of each other. And hold on to the ones you love. The French rest, Your Honor. Good. The French rest, Your Honor. Thank you, Franchot. Thank you, Tom. Now.

I've sat next to Tom the whole episode. He's got a sheet of paper that says, "'Turduck' on it. Just one word. That's just been there the whole time. So you need... I guess that'll come up at some point. Now, very strong argument on both sides, but I can't make the decision myself and it's killing me. We haven't got time. But instead, I'm going to ask our live Phoenix audience to decide.

So if you think that Ksenia and therefore Lorna and Ben are in the right, I would like you to applaud now. Oh no. It's like every... Every pearl necklace. Yeah, absolutely. The men are gonna win again. But if you think Ivo and Fanshawe and the five strange men have more than enough right to be right where they were. Seven men. Then that's 70. What about for these seven men? Then please applaud now. Ksenia, I'm so sorry that goes to fans sure and to Ivo. A big thanks to Ksenia. What fantastic, welcome. How do you feel about the result Ksenia?

Oh well I guess it's a win for the patriarchy. Like every episode of Black Chest Lam now, it really is. Thank you, Ksenia, everybody. Ksenia. We have just one more round before we discover who's going to be throwing in the trowel. But first, it's a quick fire round. Jingle! Hola! This is the quick fire round It's a round that goes really quickly Which is why it's always so amusing that it has a long introduction. What's going on here? It has a long introduction, though the round is really quick and if it's not apparent what's going on right here

I'm doing this jingle as the already had Lou Reed and Bono And I'm past the lead singer of Mojibur And right now I am Susan Vega And now I'm Milton Jones It's uncanny Singing about the quick fire rounds Oh right now, now I'm Poison Marvellous, the carrot

And I'm singing about the quick fire round Oh, and my name is Heather Small And this is the quick fire round Absolutely losing it It's a round that should be quick But the jingle's really long Oh, hey everyone But the jingle's really long Oh hey everyone My name's Emmylou Harris

You've never heard about the quick fire round before Because I'm from America This is the best thing I've ever heard And so am I, I'm Tammy Winnett. This quick fire jingles long. Alright there I am soon we're going on this thing for a long. It's showing us, because it should

be a week this year Don't worry about it Because I'm Dr. John And I'm digging the quick fire round Hey everyone, don't worry it's me David Bowie again I've just had a cup of tea and I'm trying to think what Robert Cray would sound like Cos he's the next one on the list

It is me, I'm Robert Cray. Hey there everyone. Huey Morgan from the fun loving criminals. Just to say I don't think Robert Cray was the guy from Go Compare but that's

my Sunday life. I'm enjoying this so much And I'll tell you what you can't compare The length of this quick fire round Hooray everyone, I'm Ian Browdy from the Lightning Seeds And I dig this quick fire round don't you Gabrielle I cannot take my eye off it What do you think Evandando?

I quite like it and I'm here to say, Brett Anderson from Swade are you gonna tell us now? Oh yes I am, I am! I am Brett, I'm Brett Anderson from Swade. Let's get Joe Mama trading in here. Yes, the quick fire round, old baby. And I wouldn't be trading this jigsaw for anything else. Let's close it out with Tom Jones

Ohhhhhhhhhh! The Quick Fire Round! It's the Quick Fire Round! I sound a lot like Heather Small Well, there it is I've been Lurie'd And this has been the quick fire round, the quick fire round. Oh, phenomenal. Phenomenal work. What was it?

What was it? Like a sort of band-aid thing or something? Yeah, it was sort of like that. The BBC did a version of Perfect Day for charity. With all of those people? Oh, have you not seen the clip? Oh, my God. You've got it. Yeah, with all of those people. It was like an interstitial they did before, like you'd watch.

I don't know. They put it in the cinema before films. They put it in the cinema before films, before Neighbours. It was in 1997. Yeah. And I think I watched it before Lockstock or something like that. And I remember thinking this is the best thing I've ever seen in my entire life. It's perfect day. It's amazing.

It's fantastic. If this podcast is about anything really, it's about getting people towards the clip that the BBC did in 1987. Perfect day. Yes, this is the Quickfire Round, in case you've forgotten. It's the Quickfire Round. And as our show is all about smoothing over the cracks, I'm going to ask our panellists to make their answers as smooth as possible

by removing all those annoying angular consonants. I dated a woman called angular consonants. Yes, yes, yes. A long time ago, a long time ago, a lovely German girl, whiz at countdown. Anyway, I'm going to ask a series of questions, and I would like you to give your answers using only the vowels, okay? Do you all understand, or should that be

oo-oo or a-a-a? The vowels, okay? Do you all understand? Or should that be E OO or A E E E E E E

E E E E E E E E

E E E E E E E E

E E E E E E E E

E E E E E E E E

E E E E E E E E

E E E E E E E E

Instead of buzzers, I'd like you to shout out your first names without consonants. Ben and Lorna, let's hear yours. E O E O E

O E E E E E I vote Tom. I O I O I O I O I O I O I O I O I O I O I O I O I O I O I O I O I O I O I O Ben and Lorna, let's hear yours. Eh. Oh ah. That's good. Ivo and Tom. I-O. Oh.

I-O, I-O. It's off to work. We go with a quick fire round. Name the 90s film about the Jamaican bobsleigh team. Oh. Oh ah. Oh, sorry. I think you were saying, oh, I know.

Me too. Sorry. I forgot. I forgot. I think, Tom, you were just there first. Ooh, oi. Yeah, I know. Me too. Sorry. I forgot. I forgot. I think, Tom, you were just there first. Oo-oi. Yeah, I'll give you that. Which former Man United player recently

left the job of head coach for Plymouth Argyle? Io. Io? A-oi. Is correct. Which film franchise created by James Cameron follows the plights of a bunch of blue creatures? I.O. I.O.

Ah. Ah. I'll accept both answers. Which single named Hollywood actor and singer is known for her roles in Euphoria, Challengers and Dune? I.O. Can't you make the noise? He makes these watch Challengers.

IO. Air. Is correct. I'm having a lovely time. Which Scottish singer had a hit in 1964 with Shout? Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Oo-oo.

Is correct. UU. Is correct. Started in 1960, which Dower Northern Soap Opera features the Rovers Return pub? Ooh. Oh. Ooh-oh. Oh. Oh, yes.

Yes. Oh-ah. Ah. Eee. It's not what I've got here. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah.

Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Go on, eh. Eh. Ah. No, no, no, no. I think Tom had the right answer, but the wrong vowels. You had the wrong answer there. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm still not getting it. Do you want to have it?

Do you want to have it? Lorna's just inserting an Easter egg. I can't just use vowels for that. A lot of consonants involved. I don't know what that means. I've got here, oh, oh, ah, ee, ah, ee. But, you know, call me crazy. Which English...

Ah, ah, ee! Which English... Ah, ah, ah! You ah? You ah, ee, oop! Tom's inserting a lot of Easter eggs. Exactly. That was of course Dr John inserting those Easter eggs.

Now, which English Albanian singer is known for such songs as Dance the Night, You Rules? Go on IO. Do you want to do it together? OO-A-EO Is correct. Which mystery solving dog has a best friend called Shaggy? IO.

IO? OO-EE-OO Yes. Yes. Absolutely correct. Frunted by Le Mal, which 80s pop act, this is one for the teenagers, had hits with Too Shy and The Neverending Story. I-O-A-O?

Is correct, yes. And then finally, according to Mary Poppins, which word may sound quite atrocious, but will allow you to sound precocious? O. Go on, Tom. O-A-A-L-E. O-A. Go on.

O-A. O-A. O-A. O-A. O-A. O-A. O-A. O-A. O-A. O-A. O-A. O. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. O. Uh. I'm afraid it's not what I've got. No, I'm going to give you the points, of course. And the Sony Gold for best podcast goes to... So that is the end of the round and the end of the game. So before we find out the final scores, Lorna. Lorna. Lorna. Lorna and Ivo, have you got anything to plug? Just some eggs.

Yeah. And we know what you're plugging it with. One careful owner. So if anyone has any, go and spare. See me after. Happy Easter. Ivo, what about you? You've got a book coming out.

I have got a book coming out. I have got a book coming out. Yes, it's coming out in May. And it's available for pre-order. And it mentions Tom Perry in a very moving chapter about watching LCD sound system at Glastonbury. Can I just point out, I was also there for this. But I went on Tom's shoulders. Tom put a Tom got me on his shoulders and...

Tom was on mine. And when you looked down in the mud there was only one set of footprints. Well thank you to both of our guests. As always thank you guys for watching. Check out our Patreon, patreon.com forward slash pappiesplatshare. Like, subscribe, rate and review our podcast or recommend the podcast to all of your friends. Producer Gwyn, let us hear the final scores, all of the vowels, all of the consonants, the whole schmear please.

To the tune of Mr Brightside. Oh, go on then. Ben and Laura have 26 and Tom and Ivo have 30. So Ben and Laura are blasting the walls while Tom and Ivo are getting plastered with me. Thanks to our guest, Laura Rosean and Ivory Tower Graham. We can, Pat, see you next time on Flat Shed Slam Dunk. Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat Congratulations by Emma Corsham and Gwynrys Davies. Introduced by Emma Corsham. Big thanks to everyone at the Phoenix to all of our wonderful folks who came to see the show tonight and to you at home for listening. Papi's Flat Shirt Standout is a secret news production for ACAS and the internet.

Cheers everyone, bye! Well, what a treat. I tell you what I'm not after listening to that. Go on. I'm not. Ligubrious. Oh, that. I'm not legubrious. But I am inebriated. I can't hear that. No, that was a delight. And I just want to take this chance to say thank you to Ivo and to Lorna for coming down

and being our guests. Yes, very, very much. I don't think we do that enough, you know. We should thank our guests. down and being our guests. Yes, very, very much enough. You know, we should thank we should thank our guests. We should pay our guests. But these things, they don't happen enough. Let's not run before we can walk. Let's first see how that goes.

That might be enough. That might be. Yeah, it's true. Yeah. Especially big thanks to Ivo, who stepped in at the very, very, very last minute when a guest took ill. Hopefully that guest will be returning later in the year. Yes. And we wish them a very speedy recovery. Well, it's one of the benefits of being so ubiquitous is you are around. Just around.

Just stepped in at the last minute. Do you know what, Tommy? We were right all along, weren't you? Thank you, Ben. Can we clip that up, please? My new ringtone sorted. Right, so yes, to remind you, get along to the live shows at the end of March. It's definitely worth it with that lineup. Yes, remember, Joss Norris stood behind Harriet Kamelsley, Sunil Patel, and at the back of the queue, Ashlyn B. All lining up in the post office. Nudge, nudge, nudge. Nudge, nudge. What's going on over there? The funny club are paid out and they're all cashing their checks or something.

In the post office. That might be what you're saying. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know how it works. When the funny club pays out, all of the comedians go down. First Monday of every every month They all go down. I didn't know but no you don't know

Thanks, thank you Ben you just get the thought I get a lovely thank you and I'm very happy to receive it as well You should be it's Pappy's comedy.com For slash live for all of those tickets the Monday tickets the individual Tuesday tickets or the double tickets to get you into Monday and Tuesday They're all over there at pappiescomedy.com forward slash live. And we cannot stress it. It's dot com. Don't go down the dot gov dot UK route. We are no longer part of the British government.

Well Mr. Dear, thank you for joining us and we'll see you very soon. Today's episode was produced as ever by Emma Caution, Caution team. Cheers everyone. Bye. Bye.