Pappy's Flatshare - Ep 1506: Mylance

Episode Date: March 12, 2025

We're back in your ear canals. The celebrity aura is sucking everyone into their orbit, there's a coat audit, and it's about time the pork pie hat gets an airingDon’t forget…You can get the show early and ad free (plus a bonus episode every week) by joining our Patreon https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareWe’ve got 2 live Flatshare Slamdown shows in March MONDAY MARCH 24TH: HARRIET KEMSLEY + JOZ NORRISTUESDAY MARCH 25TH: SUNIL PATEL + AISLING BEAGet tickets to either show (or a special discounted ticket that gets you into both shows!) right here: pappyscomedy.com/live Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Greetings, listener dear. I'm Tom. I'm Ben. And I am Matthew and welcome to another exciting episode of Papi's Flat Share. Papi's Flat Share. Yes. Oh, this was a treat. In fact, it was a real treat because we got to do it all in the same room, which is the first time we've been a lot. Yeah, it's been a while. So that was a lot of fun. A lot of giggles. Yeah, I think we've pretty much covered all the main topics. Yeah, we did.

This is in many ways the podcast to end all podcasts, but there will be another podcast next. Right. Yes. That's the thing, because we're always pushing ourselves onto greater heights. But I feel like if you ever decide to somebody what is podcasting, you know, play them this episode and that would be the answer. It's both the question and the answer. What is podcasting? It was very fun. It was great to have us all in the room together and it did get very giggly.

We were delighted to be in each other's company. It was a lovely time and we hope you're delighted to be in our company as well. But before we get into the ep, some business to attend to. If you enjoy this episode, then please do check out the Patreon. We stick out an extra episode every Thursday. And for just the price of a coffee every month, you get a bonus episode every week and a bunch of other stuff and discounted tickets to our live shows. So go along to patreon.com forward slash papi flat share, you'll be able to find us there. And speaking of live shows, Matthew's here with some of his trademark details.

Absolutely right. I'm a details man. So we're doing two more flat share slam downs in the Phoenix in Cavendish Square in London on March the 24th and March the 25th 2025. We would love to see you there. We've got some phenomenal guests and the tickets are already flying. So we've got Harriet Kemsley and Joz Norris on the 24th. That's the Monday night. And we've got Sunil Patel and Ashton B on the 25th.

That is the Tuesday night. Now, here's what you can do. You can buy a ticket for the Monday night. That's a lot of fun. You can buy a ticket for the Monday night. That's a lot of fun. You can buy a ticket for the Tuesday night. That's great, too. But you can also get a discounted ticket that gets you into both shows. The 24th and the 25th do the doubler.

Why not have two nights in the big smoke? See Harriet Kemsley and Jaws Norris on the Monday. See Sunil Patel and Ashton B on the Tuesday and have a wonderful time with it. And of course, as Tom said, if you're a patron member, you get a discount even on top of that discount. So there are discounted tickets all over the place. We would love to see you there. 24th, 25th of March tickets from pappiescomedy.com forward slash live. Trademark Crosby there. Well done. You ticked every box. Thanks, man. Yeah, that was vintage. It was great. And now let's swing over to

Clarkie for some wild generalizations. Guys, where are we? Have we got a podcast? Have a listen to this. There we go. Loving those broad strokes. Clarkie never change. Enjoy this episode. Happy's Flat Share Talking about whatever Happy's Flat Share How have we been doing this forever? Happy's Flat Share But we don't really live together

Happy's Flat Share I had a really exciting spot yesterday And when you say an exciting spot You're not talking about your skincare regimen are you? Your skincare regimen are you? I don't want to talk about this but I do want to just mention it quickly because I think you- Well hang on a sec, what a start to an episode.

Firstly I don't want to talk about this, it's a bad start to any podcast. Secondly I don't want to talk about it but I am going to talk about it. You brought it up, you do know that. I know, I know, I know. I just remembered that I hadn't told you. I was going to a place, glanced over the road, fucking Mark Rylance bowls it. Oh yeah. And it is.

He's giving it the full Rylance. It's just like unmistakable Rylance. Can I ask a question? I was like, go on. Is he wearing his hat? Of course. He's wearing the hat, it's like the three quarter length thing, the scarf, and it's like he's giving it full R he's giving it full thespy

what bit of it was three-quarter length? the like you know like a chore he's three-quarter length tall you know how small islands is yeah it's like you know like giving it like what was it? a chore coat oh chore coats

how are you spelling that? c-h-o-r-e they're all the rage chore coats? yeah yeah yeah as in a coat to do your chores in. They're all the rage. Chore Coats? Yeah, yeah, yeah. As in a coat to do your chores in. That's where the name comes from.

A chore coat? From the French. Chore. You said that was so much more than the first bit. Yeah. They're like trendy now. They're like, you buy them for like 400 quid kind of thing, but they used to be like the working man's coat.

You know, like. Oh, I know the one. There you go. There you go. OK, you'll know him. Yeah. Yeah. You know, it's the kind of coat you've considered getting and then gone, maybe it'll be a bit much. Yeah. No, one. Well, not enough. It's a call. Yeah.

Or for me, way too much. A quarter too much. I'm due to go in here, but it's like it's violence. And, you know, like you don't I didn't really think about it I was like, I'm just gonna get close to him I know I know what you're saying. I was just like before I could think about you in his aura Yeah, and you were sort of I just wanted to walk past him like a sort of tractor beam He drew you in he was a while away and I was like I want to

I want you started He just started... I want... You started running full health. I surprised myself. I was walking quite quickly. And like at him. You surprised yourself. Imagine how Rylance felt.

I know. Like middle of the day. Do you think this happens a lot to him? I don't know. It was just like, it was just knee jerk. It was quite impressive. I understand how fast he was moving. Leg jerk, hip jerk. It's walking. I understand how the apostles felt, putting it that way. Wow. Like it was like, get up and follow me. I was off. I was following him. Because that's right. Crucially, you didn't say those words. Jesus did, didn't he? No, but Rylan said. Oh,, Rylan's did. Oh yeah, please stop

following me was what Rylan said. That's the difference, isn't it? I guess that, yeah, Jesus did give consent. I just know, I got it. I got like how the fucking fishermen were like, fuck this for a game and just like, I'm off. Yeah. It's happened to me before. Fastbender. What? I was in a pub and then suddenly I was outside the pub. This is it? Hold on. See, you just suddenly you see someone with that little charisma. You took that bend pretty fast. I took it, yeah. I was, I saw him, he was walking down the street. I was on the same street as Fassbender. I just put my, I was stood at the bar, put my walking down the street. I was on the same street as Fassbender. I just put my, I was stood at the bar, put my pipe down.

There you go. You're gone. Follow me, follow me. It's exhilarating isn't it? Home and family, leave your fishing nets and boats upon the shore. That's exactly what was happening. It's fucking exhilarating. You're there. You just give yourself over to a bigger power.

Yeah. I feel like I've really missed out on something here. I've never charged a celebrity. Why not? But you're hiding it under a bushel because you are still a member of the Moonies cult, aren't you? It doesn't feel like you're charging at them. It feels like they're drawing you towards them. Yes. Traktor beam. Yeah, it's like, oh, there's the mothership and I'm going home.

Yeah. It's how you feel. It feels like a calmness takes over you. Yeah. It was lovely. It was possible to be calm and running full power. It was just like, oh, I'm going to my home. He's rolled back in the head. This is what I've been waiting for all my life. I'm coming home. Got really close to him. It wasn't him. It wasn't Rylands. It was someone who really likes his look. It was like a guy cosplaying as Mark Rylands. And I know I'm bad at celebrity smarts, but like he done me up a kibble this guy because it was my kid gone out dressed as Mark Rylands. It was like, was it Halloween?

It was just like he had the full, and like his gate. He had the three quarter. He had the three quarter Rylance. I got so close and then I was like, oh no. It's not him. I just had to kind of loop around and walk away. Tom, can I say one thing? If you'd got really close, it had to have been him.

You'd still have to say, oh no. No, he would have said, I'm coming home. I'm coming home. With you. You're the mothership. I'm so sorry. I thought you were my mothership. You know, you're the one.

You start holding someone's hand and it's not your mothership. Oh no, no. The worst moment of anyone's childhood. Oh yeah. Holding a stranger's hand in a shop. Oh mate! No! Every time as well, your mum really lets you do it.

You'll turn around, devastated, and they'll be there, proud as punch. Gotta learn. Was it Fassbender, crucially? It was Fassbender, yeah. So, is the irony here? You're thick. Is that the irony? He is the same irony every episode. The irony is Fassbender.

He has a quality to him. Don't get me wrong, but looks wise you feel like he could walk in a crowd. Oh, yeah, he was in a crowd. Yeah. Yeah. Like Fassbender hasn't got an outfit. No, he hasn't got. Yes. Oh yeah, he was in a crowd, yeah, yeah. But Fassbender hasn't got an outfit. No, he hasn't got, yes, I know what you mean. If you're talking about like this sort of, you wouldn't be able to dress up for a fancy dress party.

I mean, you wouldn't really be able to dress up for a fancy dress party, it's monochromatic. Well, maybe it's on the party we went to in our 20s. But yeah, I feel like- Fassbender hasn't got you right. Hasn't got a uniform, hasn't got like a recognisable silhouette. When he takes it out, I'd recognise it anywhere. Shame on you.

Yeah. Do you reckon, so like, it's a good game this. You wears Wallying a celebrity. Yeah. Right. Rylance is good. Where's Rylance this, you wears Wallying a celebrity. Yeah. Right. Rylance is good. Where's Rylance is easier than where's Fassbender. Oh no, no, I think where's Rylance is harder

than where's Fassbender because I think in Where's Wally, everybody, all of the other characters have like just the scarf or just the hat or just the glasses or whatever, don't they? Lots of them have basically Wally's outfit. Yeah. I think you could have, there's enough component parts, whereas I think Fassbender sticks out.

He does in certain films anyway. But whereas I think Rylance, you could have a load of people who had that kind of thespy look. And the get up, yeah. Exactly. Yeah, I mean, you got tricks right. I don't know what you're saying. Milance. Yeah. Like there's, there's like one, I don't know. I just think like, obviously you could...

Are we all going to ignore he said, Milance? Or are you all just going to gloss over the fact you stared off into the distance and said the word, Milance? I wasn't sure I'd heard it. I'm still thinking about it, my mother. I'm thinking thinking about it, my mother. I was just thinking, surely not. That guy, well now I'm just trying to think maybe, maybe he like, now that I'm recounting it and the effect this guy had on me, maybe he is my Rylance, that guy. And it's just like, I had the connection to him.

Like wings of desire, everybody's got their own guardian angel. Everyone's got their own Rylance, their Mylance. Don't justify this. So you think Ware's Fassbender is easier to play than Ware's Rylance? I think you could disguise a load of Rylances. You could make a load of Rylances. Because of your theory, you could make a load of people who look a bit like Rylance. Yes. I don't think you should for Ware's Rylance.

No, no. Yeah, no, I think you should. That has to be how to play, right? You have to have, you have to give it some sort of level of competition. You get a load of people in the little small hat and the scarf and that kind of stuff. And then you have to work out which one's the real Rylance. No, that's kind of different game. That feels like the Buzzcocks lineup.

OK. I'm saying you take a picture of it. Or like you take a picture of the pyramids. Wally does travel well. He does. He certainly does. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's got life. I was thinking, I was going to say Boxpark. You know what?

A modern day. I think the modern, yeah. Like the night wonder of the world is Boxpark. Yeah. You've got like, you walk someone out onto a balcony at Boxpark and you go, where's Rylance? And the clock starts ticking and they have to find Rylance. That would be the game. Yeah. You could chuck a few dummy hats in there.

You've got to have some. No, because I mean, otherwise you're just looking for the guy wearing the hat. Then you're just playing the hat game, aren't you? You've got to. That's the wire, isn't it? Yeah, exactly. Where's the hat? Can I just check? Sorry. Was this the thing you didn't want to talk about? I don't want to let Fassbender out of our sight.

Yeah. Much like you, I want to find out more about this. I also want to say that this is a slight sidebar from where we've got to. I think at this stage in my life, it is now only other people who are stopping me from getting into pork pie haps. But that's a separate point. I'll say it's a big pork pie hat if you can get into it. That's not a pork pie hat, that's a boat.

It's a... There's no three quarter lengths in this one. You know those like retro shops that sell like... Old things, yeah. Old clothes. Vintage clothing stores. So not like a charity? Yeah, vintage clothing stores.

And they also sell new hats. They sell like, you know, they sell old style hats. Old scarves, new hats. Yeah, exactly. That should be the name for them. There's one that we go to every, like every three or four weeks, we go to the cinema for toddler time.

And then we do the cafe afterwards, which is next to one of those shops. So my daughter like loves that shop now. Every time we go there, she buys herself a bow tie. She's into bow tie. Oh, that's adorable. It's adorable up to a certain age. It can't go on. She can't have a kid in a bow tie once they're like eight.

No, I think up until five, it's adorable. I think a kid in a bow tie who's eight is a bit of a cunt. Whoa. It's true. His words. I don't think that's true. You're into like junior Tory territory and all that kind of like, we're off. Yeah.

I mean, it's like, there's a cutoff point. Trust me. I think a bow tie on a little kid's adorable. Can I just ask, did you used to wear a bow tie when you were eight years old? Yeah. I did have a bow tie when I was eight years old. Yeah. I really think it's-

Want to be a magician? Yeah. At a wedding. Yeah. Or total gun. Can you please? Even though there's no, even though there's no. Trust me, trust me. Trust me.

Trust me. He should know and honestly so should you. Did you know any magic tricks when you were eight? Yeah, Fisher Price magic set. Yeah, yeah. I had all that caper. The old egg cup thing that you could go, the egg's gone. Yeah.

And there it is. But it was a red egg. Back again. Yeah, it was more like a ball. Yeah, it was a red egg. It wasn't egg-shaped either, was it? No. It might have been a ball.

But it was an egg cup. It was an egg cup. I'll give you that. That was the first trick. What are you afraid of seeing this? An egg? Look again my friend, look again. They show the eye I draw on my hand and blow their minds.

And the vicar would say, sorry, so do you not want them to get married or? Can you tell that kid to be quiet please? So, but they have a fine array of, you know, your Trill B's, your course pies. Trill B's, your pork pie hats. Every time I go, oh look, what do you think of this? And my wife goes, absolutely not. And I'm like, yeah, and it's like, I do that every three weeks. So you just, you're playing it off as a joke. Oh, and I'd be wacky. Yeah. And a little bit sexy. Kind of hoping they go, actually that really suits you. It's like, I'm buying it. Actually that looks all right on you. It's me now. This is me. This is my personality for the next 20 years. It's like I'm chomping

at the bit, but I am not getting that green light. Oh mate. A mile's off it. You've got a real port pie hat look as well. You've got to look for it. Totally. Like if you, I reckon you could definitely be at a party and tell people you used to be in madness and everyone believed you.

So they go like I used to be in a scar band or a band in the early eighties. And now I wear pork pats. What I think about this is, you were born in the early eighties. I'm the kind of person who could have conceivably been in their thirties in the early eighties. I've got to say, like, the people who, when I see, like, my archetype and where I'm heading, it's like... Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like...

It's good to have a line on that, isn't it? Like, I see them, I know who they are. Yeah. It's good to have a five-year plan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of them die in their early 60s. Which is worrying. Yeah, you've got to...

But their look and their vibe I do strongly admire. LAUGHS Cos you're a flat cap wearer now. Yeah, so I'm going through the gears, basically. You're sort of trying... It's a gateway hat. Yeah, I've gone from no hats to baseball caps. Now I'm into flat caps. That's a big leap! Hoping to end up at Portby.

I don't think there's any... Is there a middle ground between baseball and flat, though? No, I don't think there is any, is there a middle ground between baseball and flat though? No, I don't think there is. Do that feel like the progressive? Golf visor? Because you're keeping the peak. Yeah, like the croupier dealer? Yeah.

Tom's starting to dress like a croupier. Get the old elastic bands around the sleeves. Elastic bands around the sleeves. That's crucial. A slightly jazzy, but not quite John Virgo waistcoat. He's a full-couple. The waistcoat takes me down to be a magician. It is close-up magician, isn't it? Yeah.

But the baseball cap to the cloth cap, because the peak is kind of still there, it doesn't feel like a huge leap. It's going out the sides is when things get quite radical. Could you go then? Peaks on the other, could you go deerstalker? Sherlock Homestead. That might be the way to go.

I've got two. I've got two deerstalker hats. I've got two deerstalker hats. I've got that quiet. Why is too many? But that was for a fancy dress. I was worried it wasn't going to arrive in time. I had to buy a second one.

I was worried it wasn't going to arrive in time. I was worried it wasn't going to arrive in time. I was worried it wasn't going to arrive in time. I was worried it wasn't going to arrive in time. I was worried it wasn't going to arrive in time. I've got one. That's too many. But that was for a fancy dress. Yeah. I was worried it wasn't gonna arrive in time. I had to buy a second one. Now I've got two. And I wear them all the time. When no one else is in the house.

Yeah. Oh. You've got to experiment with these. It's daddy's little secret, isn't it? When the family go out, when the family go out, you get your old- Deerstalker on, thong on. Yeah. Shuffling cards. there when the family go when the family go out you get you get your own

talker on shuffling cards it's like a so you can see on the front cover of the front cover right take a break magazine it like I've just found out hubby is a secret group yeah I came home to find him watching that movie with Clive Owen in and crying. That movie with Clive Owen in, that's so bleak. Well it's called groupie, it's called groupie but I thought it wouldn't be clear what I was talking about otherwise. I know there are a lot of movies called Groupier. And movies with Clive. No, not really.

But anyway. Anyway. I just, I'm ready to roll on the pork pie front, put it that way. I'm already- Which is what you say at the shops as well, isn't it? It's what you say at the deli counter. Yeah.

But the green light isn't coming. So do you think, because you have, obviously obviously you have a kind of career in the big smoke in London. You have a life in Exeter. Is it your sort of holiday hat? I get on the train and put it on. No, because the other people are in London as well. It's not just my wife. No, I know.

It's my peers. I think we would enable a pork pie. Yeah, it's... I think... I'd allow it. We would enable a pork pie. Yeah. That's the problem. In the end. The thing is, I think we enable a lot, Tom. Yes.

Yes. I think you could... I genuinely think I would be very supportive of you getting the little scarf, you know, the little scarf and the pork pie hat. I think it would work for you. I'd absolutely support that to your face. I think, see what I think of Green Bay. Hide your donkey jacket on the other hand, it's a whole other story.

I think we're talking the other side of 50. I've just got to play the long game. But you were in a band in the 80s, Don. I know I've got the vibe. How many other sides have you got? I know I've got a vibe of a 50-year-old, but like once, I think for my 50th birthday, I might even treat myself to a pie. You're going to leap out of a cake wearing a pork pie hat.

You're going to leap out of a pork pie. He never made it out. Just way too dense. No. He died as it out. It's just way too dense. He died as he lived. Just hear a gentle chomping sound from inside. That's how all my heroes passed away in their early 60s, because they're trying to eat their way out of a pork pie. They all lived to exactly their 60th birthday and then try and eat their way out of the pork pie cake. So I, yeah, so I think 50 or 50 plus, I think that's when you can start to you kind of entering a different phase of life where things like that can ride. Yeah.

Anyway, I think, yeah, anyway, what was that thing you wanted to talk about? I want to talk about fast spender now. I want to know, I want to know where I want to know when I want to know how close you got to him. I want to know where, I want to know when, and I want to know how close you got to him. I was in a pub in Soho with my friend Richard. We were having a drink and I stopped mid-sentence, put the pint down on the bar and was just suddenly, I was on the streets. Beautiful, euphoric.

And I watched him go past. And I think the second the cold air hit me, I came to my senses, but I was the movement. I totally relate to the movement was there. I was just suddenly there because I needed to be in that man's orbit. And that's what it is. Isn't it? It's the aura. It's the orbit. You want to be involved. And that's what, that's how I felt with Fassbender. Crossbow is great as well. Because if you ever had the crossbow squeeze where you'll be chatting away and you'll suddenly just get, it's like a grip of the forearm and a squeeze and you know,

someone's close. Yeah. There's a pie. How are you having a heart attack? I'm squeezing my own arm. Who's here? Who's here? My pills are in my chore coat. His final words. Oh man, have you seen, do you know, are you in the, you know, in the, in the market for a choco? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, If not having your second hand chore coat, it would swamp me. To be honest, I still can't, I can't quite picture it, what a chore coat is. But I mean, I'd like a fancy coat.

I mean, we've talked about my coats before. I'm in gilet territory. That's my, that's my latest. That's my latest phase. Yeah. So the phase you went through a few years ago, the gilet, and it's a game changer. Yes, but you've gone for the kind of micro gilet. Well, that's my size. I went to the shop that sells the clothes

for Sylvania families. I said, have you got? Yeah, the macro gilet, for me, it's like a sale. If I go out on a windy day, I take off like Mary Poppins over the city. Oh, there's a flash bender down there. Unzip and slowly lower down. You could zorb around in a macro gilet. It's a big windsock for me. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, I've gone for a slim, thin gilet and I keep tea bags in the pockets. Yeah. And it's like, um, but it's like, uh, it normally

exists under something as well. It's kind of like, it can be like, uh, you can put stuff over the top of it. Yeah. You can wear a jacket over the top of it. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. But sometimes I just go out and just the gila. I love it Yeah About having a distinctive coat. I think the whole point was coaches that they go is that why you always buy brand coats Well, literally you said yesterday. Oh, so you go and I was like, no, this is three years But but because it's it's unremarkable It could be because it slips into the background. Whereas if you notice someone's coat, then you're like, oh, wear

that coat again. You know, that's what you do with coats, isn't it? You wear your coat all the time. You're very judgy about coats. If I notice someone else's coat, I'm not going, bloody are they getting a lot of wear out of that coat. Every time I say that, I'll say, why is he wearing that fucking Gila again? What's up with that? It's underneath his t-shirt though, yeah. It's underneath his t-shirt to be fair. Right against the skin.

That's... Just the Gila. I look like the shittest Chippendale of all time. I look like I'm in Magic Mike but I get chilly. I look like I'm in Magic Mike, but I get chilly. What's the most distinctive coat you ever owned? Because for a while in my teens, I wore a proper like Sergeant Major Army jacket out and about from the Army Surplers store with like everything, you know, the epaulettes and everything on there. And not like, not like Libertines, not like the red Libertines one,

sort of an army greenie. Like a World War I-y trench coat-y type affair. Yeah, but more like the guys who weren't in the trenches, you know? More like the kind of the guys who were in an office somewhere pushing some figurines around a big map. Bow ties on. Bow tie, chalet. They wouldn't survive in the trenches, way too cold. What's the most distinctive coat you've ever rocked? Clarkie, obviously just brown, just brown coat. Just yeah, brown corduroy. No, I actually had one that was a bit like the Fight Club jacket for years. Oh, yeah. That my girlfriend had found in a lost property.

The brown leather. Oh, like. That my girlfriend had found in a lost property. The brown leather. Oh, like a retro leather one? Yeah. Yeah, you did, didn't you? That's my favorite coat, loved that. What happened to it? It's just, it was always a bit gross. It just got increasingly more gross.

Yeah. There was like, there was like, there was like a stain around the collar, like on the coat that looked like it looked like just been sweating into. So it was like, it looked like it had been sweating. It looked very much like that. I'd been sweating into all my clothes. Yeah, I've never, never have I pulled off a leather jacket. Never. I could pull mine off. It was stuck to my neck. I think that's something you can't move into in later life. That screams crisis, doesn't

it? Yeah, I'll never, unless I start motorbiking. Which again, screams crisis. It's all in the same territory, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. I'm not going to, no Leathers. In fact, Leather and I have never. Got on, supposed to say.

Are you saying never have I leather? Is that the game we're playing now? Never will I leather. Never will I leather. I think Leathers bottom of the list for me. What list is this? Latex for me. You have materials that I'll wear or feel good wearing.

And you're in jacket for, you'd wear a leather belt though, right? Denim, cord, cotton, they're all in the big three. You'd wear a leather belt though, right? Denny, Ford, Cotton, they're all in the big three. You'd wear a cotton belt. Here he comes on cotton jacket. Whatever happened to old Cotton Belt Joe? Where did he come from? Where did he go? Where did he come from? He got done for a decent exposure. So, no, but like you kind of your big hitters,

you feel at home with, or I feel at home with denim. A denim jacket. Yeah. You can't wear a denim jacket. You what? No, I have one in my possession. Yeah, black denim that I inherited from a gig that I did. What do you mean you inherited it? You put on someone else's coat and walked home in it? After they died. You did so badly at that gig. You kind of closed their eyes, slit their jacket off and off he went. I recorded an advert for PG tips. Oh, I was a, um, also now like I was, I was a biker type like hard man. Yeah, like a skinhead. Yeah. And they gave me a black denim jacket. Because

they said you won't suit leather. Yeah, well it was in my contract. So I was like a hard man skinhead making a cup of tea. I don't remember this at all. Yeah, I did like, it was like one day's filming and it would have been quite a handsome payout and then the payout, they went another. Oh, no, they didn't like the advert. Oh, they went with a load of chimps, didn't they? I wear anything those chimps stick a bit of peanut butter on their guns. That was the problem. That's how they make a parry talk as well. That's the trick. That was the trick.

I think they'd rub a bit of peanut butter on their gums and they'd go, try and get the gulf. I think that, didn't they say that about Mr. Ed? They said, oh, we put peanut butter in his mouth. But actually it's because they'd really, they were sticking like a fish hook in his mouth and moving his mouth like that. And they were like, oh no, peanut butter, peanut butter. Well, the PG chimps, I think, you're not fish hook in a no you're

not a chicken yeah so they give him a bit of peanut butter in their thing and then try to get the peanut butter off them gums makes them look like they're talking and then you dub their words I guess the taste's the taste. Peanut butter. So what way do you think, what way Ryan do you think that works? Do you think you put peanut butter on their gums, they move their mouth a lot, you watch their mouth movements and then write the script to their mouth movements? No. Of course not Tom. Of course that is not the case. Who's to say? Who's to say? We'll never know. I guess we'll never know. I guess we'll never know. But as three people who write professionally for television and adverts, I would say no, that's probably not what they do. They probably don't just watch an animal for a bit and go what do you think this animal might be saying?

Yeah, but don't forget to factor in that animal does have peanut butter on there. So, you know, you just written help me 45 times. I'm allergic to peanuts. I don't know if we can say that. So what way did they go? Because it's always tough, isn't it? When you see, when something comes out and you've gone for it and you're not in it. Yeah.

Which way did they go? What was the- They went away from the entire advert. They cancelled the entire thing. Were you happy with your performance that day? No, it didn't. Now, if you go into the supermarket, you realize PG Tips has been discontinued.

You can't get any more. They set the studio on fire. It was shitty. It was a scorched earth. They salted the earth. It was a scorched earth policy. They blinded everyone who'd been on set that day. It was real. They blinded themselves. Going around doing the old men in black for everybody, flashing them in the eyes, which you'll never see in their eyes. Yeah, they were like, no, no, actually. So it was like, yeah, it was a big, you can take a lot of direction, but well, no, actually is one of the worst things to hear a director say.

A little bit less is fine. A little bit more is fine. You know, this time have fun with it. You know, there's more at stake. Any of those are good, but yeah, no, actually, we're not doing this. After all this time, it turns out you're the anti-violence. Just people fleeing away from you.

People leaving the pub you're walking into. Tom is the sinking ship of this week or show. But I did get a black denim jacket out of it. We're not going to pay you handsomely. The costume lady had already left. Fuck this. Come back, I've got your jacket. Oh, okay. She's got my car.

Tom just stood in an empty warehouse wearing a jacket, drinking a cup of tea. Guys? Anyone want to wreck this peanut butter? Can't take this peanut butter off my gums! Finally! That's the bit that I made, that's where I went wrong. I thought I'd impress them by doing the peanut butter on the gums. I know, these PG Tips not like it. We're lovely cubs, hey!

Come back! Come back! What was that voice? Really, me? It was like Wurzel garbage! I Come in side. The proof at the peak of half hours. So anyway, God, I've never talked about that PG tips. I don't know if I'm allowed to talk about it actually. That's always useful, isn't it? Do you want to go check your emails if there's an NDA in there somewhere? I should. I mean, it was a flawed concept. Even as I was doing it, I was like, I don't really know if this is going to be,

I've been in one of those. And you kind of go, is this? Was the, what, so the concept was you as a sort of, as a sort of hard nuts kind of character. So here's, yeah, here's the, I mean, yeah, I'm trying to talk about it. The concept was, you know, like they have air guitar competition.

Yeah. This was an air cup, like they have air guitar competition. Yeah. This was an air cup of tea competition at a county fair. Okay. Like a British summer fair. And it was an air cup of tea. Everyone's making air cups of tea. So they're sort of, they're playing some music and while you're doing it, you're sort of throwing the bag in, in a sort of fun way and boiling the kettle and smiling and all that kind of stuff. in the bag in a sort of fun way and boiling the kettle and smiling and all that. And drinking it and it was like, and you're against someone.

So my round was like a hard nut against a granny. Right. And the granny wins. Because I was trying to drink it too quickly and it was too hot for me. You kind of go, what? I don't really understand the rules of the competition. I couldn't find the truth. Yeah. I find the character. Yeah. Yeah, behind the character, yeah.

Couldn't find the truth behind it. And then there was like three more rounds of people. So my point is, like it wasn't on, I don't want to say it was on me. And it's like what your agent told you. No, but like also in the... I'm going to let you go. The fact that I saw that advert yesterday with Tom Davison in the role is neither here nor there. They could have edited any rounds out. They had like four

different matchups all day. So it did live or die on the Hard Nut versus the Granet. Sure, sure. You know what I mean? But you're thinking like, do people even understand the concept of the air guitar? Is the actual thing called parodying so weird? So these are the conversations that I think they had further down the line. Yeah, maybe have those conversations right at the start. And I think someone must have gone out and gone,

this is great, look at these air guitar, show them the videos. They're very excited. And it's like, okay, okay. And then it got to one person at the top and they'd gone, you know, like that thing. And they'd go, oh no, I don't think so. And it'd be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, right.

It's the house of cards. Here's a question for you, right? What air thing do you think you'd be best at? What's the thing you reckon you could convincingly air? Okay, Tom's gonna to do a little... I'll tell you what, you air it, we'll see if we can guess what it is. Ooh, that looks nice. Oh my God!

He's done the airport buy hat! He's... All the way round, all the way round the pier. Tom, could I just say this looks terrible on you? I knew it! I knew it! He said you'd have my back! I thought I would, but seeing the reality of it, you were too good at buying again!

Good draw! Cup of tea to the face. When the video comes out, we will have seen Jied in. I broke my hat. That's on my head all the way through the record. my hat. That's on my head all the way through the record. Now with technology you can deep fake your port by hat. A lot of performers in Hollywood get very, very upset that people are deep faking them, wearing hats that don't suit.

So, just to finish the the the Fassbender walk by. Yes. What I thought I had. Every time you go back to it I tell the same story and this is the third time. I can keep telling it but I'm pretty sure it's not going to change. I'm very you know me I'm happy to retail at anecdotes three times in the same episode that might be a bridge too far for me I do have some shame actually give me a CGI bow tie on him and it starts spinning when he says that. Just looking really surprised. So my tie spins around. Okay, yeah, that's fair enough. Were you alone, I guess?

I was with my friend Richard. No? Every bit of the story has been recounted. I was in a pub in Soho with my friend Richard. I put the pipe down in friend Richard, I walked out, I watched him go past. I kept went back in the pub, went fast, been amazing. Yeah. I want to go. I want to get back to this. You've never had, you've never, you've never had that where you've seen someone who just because you have you seen someone, but

you've not had the draw. You've chased Hanks through Edinburgh, haven't you? I mean, Hanks, I was like a fucking deer in the headlights. It was track to beam rap, but drive by. Deer in the headlights don't run towards the car, crucially. Deer in the headlights realise they're about to get hit by the kive. Tom Hanks had rugby tackled you to the ground in Edinburgh. Yeah, like what's the like alien abduction, you know, I was like fucking Up in the air. Absolutely. Yeah, thanks. Forget about it. Yeah, thanks

I'm right. You just climbed up some scaffolding and jumped at him didn't you? I tried to I did I would yeah, but there was a there was the moment that by the way We just just for any listeners if you do see somebody in public don't actively try and catch them because that is Against the law and I'm happy to say that three, four, five times on this podcast. That's the topic I'm happy to revisit. Hanks though, the gravitational pull of the guy. Yeah. I could imagine seeing Hanks in being, yeah, because I've done it. If Rylance is the moon, Hanks is the sun.

Well, I've done it to, I did it to Tim Vincent. Charlie and I chased former Blue Peter presenter Tim Vincent down the streets because we were so excited to see Tim Vincent. So I've, you know, I'm... And it wasn't the gravita... It wasn't the same gravitational pull. No. We made an active choice. There's Tim Vincent. Should we go and say hello? Yeah, I was going to say, I think that's different, isn't it?

Because you can chat to Tim Vincent. Of course you can chat to Tim Vincent. I wasn't planning on chatting to Rylance. What were you planning on? Oh, this was just following him for the rest of my life. This was outside of your control, wasn't it? This was... Yeah.

There was no cognitive process behind it. Yeah. Yeah. Whereas I imagine with Tim Vincent, you could kind of, you know, reach some kind of common conversational ground. You could have told him your fast spender anecdote. LAUGHTER You're in a hallow list. You're in told him your fast spender anecdote. You're in a hallow list of two people. The other one fast spender.

You're not gonna believe this. And I'm not gonna take it. In so with my friend Richard. Bacon? No. Oh, sorry. Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. Yeah. Sorry about that guys.

Well, I pray for you that one day you'll experience it. Thanks guys. Well, there you go. As Crosby said, the Rosetta Stone of all podcasting has to write just dropped. And all episodes after will be a reaction. What we've just done all episodes of every podcast, Tom, would would you say that was the Elgin marbles of podcast? What shape are the Elgin marbles? We'll never know. We'll never know. We'll never know. We'll never know.

We know what shape they're not. So don't forget folks, pappiescomedy.com forward slash live to get tickets to see Harriet Kemsley and Joss Norris on Monday, 24th of March or Sunil Patel and Ashton B on Tuesday, 25th of March or both of those shows together. All the tickets pappiescomedy.com forward slash live. All the discounts are over at patreon.com forward slash pappies flat share. Beautiful. Today's episode was produced by Emma Caution. Caution team. Cheers everyone. Bye.

Bye. Bye.