Pappy's Flatshare - Ep 1512: The secrets of mug etiquette

Episode Date: April 22, 2025

We're back in your ear canals discussing the challenges of interacting with tradies in your house, and what even is a babycino?To get episodes early and ad-free - PLUS a bonus episode every week - join our Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareTo watch full episodes of Pappy’s Flatshare find us on YouTube: www.youtube.com/@pappysflatshareAnd follow us onInstagram: instagram.com/pappyscomedyTikTok: www.tiktok.com/@pappysflatshareFacebook: www.facebook.com/PappysFlatshare/And X: twitter.com/pappystweetPAPPY'S FLATSHARE SLAMDOWN, is back at the Phoenix Pub for TWO Flatslams on May 27th and June 2nd!WITH SPECIAL GUESTS...TUESDAY MAY 27TH: NATALIE CASSIDY + LEAH DAVISMONDAY JUNE 2ND: ROISIN CONATY + MILES JUPPPappy’s Flatshare Slamdown is the hilarious and anarchic panel game hosted by award-winning sketch heroes Pappy’s and featuring great guests from the world of comedy.You can buy tickets for either show or use this special link to buy ONE DISCOUNTED TICKET THAT GETS YOU INTO BOTH SHOWS! Tickets are £11 (£19 for both) but our Patreon members get discounted tickets (£2 off). Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Greetings listener dear, I'm Tom. I'm Ben. And I am Matthew. Welcome to another exciting episode of Papi's Flat Share. It is an exciting one actually because this time round there is Matthew, Ben and Tom sitting around and chatting away. Yes, indeed. We've broken with the format and decided to have the three of us having a conversation. Why not? Let's give it a try, see what happens. We're running up the flagpole and seeing who salutes. So we really do hope that you do. Yes. So, yes, it's a fun episode. We had a great time chatting.

Before we get onto all of that though, we should do a little bit of administrative business. Do you love your admin so hard, Crosby? I do. I do because... The harder you work on the admin, the better the final product is. That's what I say. Thank you, man. Thanks very much.

Very inspirational. I'll kick things off. Yes. Do some admin. We've got some admin coming around the corner right now from Matthew. Oh, I love that. Yeah. Thank you very much.

Team me up. Team me up for some admin. Well, we've got a couple of live flat share slam downs, which we would love you to be at. Love them. He's good at this isn't he Clarke? It's great. They're happening on May the 27th and June the 2nd at the Phoenix in Cavendish Square. Tom, you pulled a face there like you didn't know those dates.

That's sooner than you think isn't it? That's coming round a pace. It's a hoving interview. It certainly is, Yeah. Okay. May the 27th. Yeah. You've got time. Don't worry.

You've got plenty of time. Okay. To get your ducks in a row. May 27th, June the 2nd. All of the tickets are available from pappyscomedy.com forward slash live. Let me tell you who the guests are though. Oh, I like this. You're going to love this.

So on May the 27th, that's a Tuesday, there's Natalie Cassidy. The wonderful Natalie Cassidy, actor, broadcaster, podcaster, one of our own, national treasure. Yeah. Oh yeah. Absolute national treasure. Um, so Natalie Cassidy, you'll know her, you'll love her from EastEnders, you'll know her from her podcast. She's brilliant. Uh, we've also got the fantastic comedian and broadcaster, Leah Davis, who you may have heard on Capital Extra. She has a Capital Extra show. Absolutely brilliant. Uh, that's going to be, that's going to be a couple of true professionals.

Names to conjure with there. We need, we need, we need to bring up the average a little bit. Um, and then we've got on June the 2nd, we've got Rasheen Conaty and Miles Jupp. Oh my God. Very exciting. Yeah. It's good. Very exciting. Bloody hell. Yeah, it's good.

Are we massive? What's going on here? Well, they are. And if you are the company you keep, then yeah. Amazing. So there you go. Yeah. So get your tickets, get your tickets from pappiescomedy.com forward slash live.

Now remember, if you're a member of the Patreon, there is a promo code on the Patreon that you can use to get two quid off every single ticket or... This is the kind of stuff I wouldn't even think about saying. You wouldn't even think about saying it, would you? A promo code. Unbelievable. There's a promo code. And if you're interested, whether you're on the Patreon or not,

if you're interested in coming to both shows, you can get a discounted ticket to both shows, all of which you can get from pappiescomedy.com forward slash live and it's even cheaper if you use the Patreon promo code. I feel so nourished by the admin Crosby. I can barely mention the Patreon, but I shall. Go on. We've got a Patreon. It's a patreon.com forward slash pappiesflatshare. Yes, with loads of confidence behind that.

If you love the pod, if you want to support the pod, then hop on, bung us a few quid, and in response we will bung back some extra content, a brand new show every week, every Thursday, an episode of Pappy's Pop Round, which is not a quiz about music, it is a lovely formatted episode of us doing things in its own right. Us doing things in its own right, Of us doing things in its own right. Yes. Absolutely right. We can't stress that enough. So get to Patreon, support your boys

doing what they love, which is chatting together. Absolutely right. Oh, don't forget as well, you can get all of the episodes early and ad free from the Patreon. And if you'd like to join this week, there is currently a seven day free trial, completely free. So if you'd like to join seven day free trial, see how you like it.

If you love it, stick around. If you hate it, when you love it, when you love it, stick around. If you hate it, that's fine too. No harm, no foul. Some Patreon. Yes. That was great stuff. That seven day trial thing again, Where does he get this from?

I know. It's beautiful. This little... I mean, that's the notes I've got on my phone. Right. There we go. Okay. Okay. Notes. There we go.

Yes. I'll have to look into that. Parky, do you want to give us anything from the notes in your phone? Do you want to talk us through our TikTok? Yes. I can... Oh, we're doing... Hey, I tell you what, we're up and coming. We're over 400 followers now. Yeah! What? It's happening. It's happening. we're doing, hey, I tell you what, we're up and coming. We're over 400 followers. It's happening. Tiktok.com forward slash at Pappy flat share. Is that right? That's it. There we go.

Never forget, buy milk. Sorry. That was from a note. Oh yeah. Okay. I heard the doorbell there. Yep. That means it's time for the episode. It must be time for us to start the episode. Off we go. The other day I had a workman coming round to the flat. Yeah. And it was his second time round. So I reckon. I thought you were going to say it was his second ever job. You don't want to hear that. It's probably work when he arrives. Okay, I'm going to give it a good go. So his second job, welcome back.

We had a gardener and it was his first day on the job. And he had, it was one of those guys who'd worked in the city, had a breakdown and was, had become a gardener. And it was- You do your own garden. I do my own gardening, yeah. I don't know if it works. Certainly not in the city.

Yeah, he came around and he was, you could tell all the other gardeners were just like, yeah, we've got to clear this garden, we've got to mow the lawn, all that kind of stuff. He was like, isn't this amazing? Isn't this fantastic? What a beautiful day. We get to drink a coffee outside. Like, no, do some, please do some work. I've never seen him again. He did one day on the gardening team. I've never seen him again. Never seen him again. Anyway, sorry. Yes. He's on a

darkness retreat now. Isn't this so dark? We get to drink a coffee in the dark. Can you get out my bathroom please? Get back in the garden. But Clarky, this guy, it was his second ever day on the job. Second time coming to. So I raised him and I was like- A return visit. A return visit.

Different job? No. Should we let you cook? Don't know why we're trying to guess. I don't know why we're trying to guess the end of your sentence. Clarky, you've said enough. Leave it with us. So this workman then, what's he doing around Clarky's house? This is what we need to work out. But together, if we put our... We can get to the bottom of this. We've got two great brains here. If we put our brains together, I reckon we can work out what the f***'s going on with this.

You can never second visit, he said. Clarky being very cagey. You can say he's second visit. Clarky, you're really eking out the information. Come on, let the story breathe, man. Give me what you got. So he came around second time. Yeah.

Well, this bit we know. Change the bloody record. Clarky. Change the bloody record, man. We know he's come around. We know he's come around for a second time. That's all, this bit we know. Change the bloody record. Christ, Clarky. Change the bloody record. I know he's come round. We know he's come round for a second time. It's all you're going on about. I feel like there's nothing more to this story.

There isn't. Oh, no. That's all the time we've got, folks. Thank you so much for listening. Don't forget, if you want to join the Patreon, it's patreon.com forward slash Papi's Flat Share. See you next time. So I was like, oh, hey, good to see you again. And he like was like, yeah.

And he followed up with a line of like, I remember you too. And why he chose is that what he said? No, I wish he had. I remember you too. Would be a really funny thing to say to somebody. If someone says hello to you, and you go, I remember you too. My face blindness is cleared up.

What did he say? He said, how's the PlayStation? How's the PlayStation, you man-child? Of all the things. That's what you're remembered by. Yeah. How's the PlayStation? Can I ask what, what job was he doing?

And were you sat there, you know, in your big gaming chair with your, with your headset on, my mini fridge next to me. Exactly. Blowing up some 12 year olds from Arkansas on Call of Duty. Last time he was here, were you playing the PlayStation? Well, I'm presumably, yeah, it'd be weird if I were. Yeah. Yeah.

Or maybe, maybe he just saw the PlayStation and we had a chat about it. Maybe that was it. Yeah. Okay. I'm really hoping it was a sad one. Now what I'm hoping is you just stood in the corner watching him work. And then at one point went, I've got a PlayStation. Do you want to play? I just kind of nudge a second controller over to me. You just left the people to play with aren't you? You seem good with your hands,

but how are you with the controller? How are you with your thumbs? But can't you? Room for a little bit. We've got to ask though. Yes. How is the PlayStation? How are you with your thumbs? We've got to ask though, yes, how is the PlayStation? It's alright. It's alright. It's alright. It's pretty good sex. So I'm out of the console loop Yeah. Oh, yeah. I've been well out. In fact, I'm I've been in it once You were barely in it. Is that a loop? The Mega Drive. Yeah, I had a Mega Drive. That was it. Did you have any more consoles? I don't think so. I think the Mega Drive basically nailed it. There's no need to get another one. It was pure. It was great. It was great.

I mean, all the others for me have been trying to get back to the Mega Drive feeling. Yes. Okay. So is the vibe, you need to buy a new one every couple of years, or is your PlayStation around? I was really hoping that question was going to be even more basic. Is the vibe like a box that you plug into the wall, attached to a monitor and play games? It's still a box that you attach to a wall, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's attached to the wall now, yeah. Because basically, once you're on the ride, they go, like you get on the console ride,

then it's like, you love your Mega Drive, well here's a fucking, and then they got a bit weird. Here's a SNES. And I thought, no, thank you. A Jaguar, yeah, and a CD-ROM thing, the CD effort, and it all got a bit crazy. And then I was like, no, thank you. It was the Wild West early on, wasn't it?

Because it was like everyone was making- Red Dead Redemption, it's called, I think. I don't know much, I'm not in the loop. You did great. That was pretty good, wasn't it? I was nervous. You're out of the loop, but you're in the lasso. I don't mind it.

I don't mind it. Guns? Clarky, not in this climate. What the hell are you talking about? I know. Listen, we okay. How's the place? This is always, this has always been our worry.

We were worried when you got into gaming that it would lead to violence. We were worried when you started watching those video nasties. How's your beta max player? You still watching Driller Killer every night to fall asleep? Faces of death 24-7. When the workman got his drill out, did you panic? Or did you get a boner? Be honest. And it's okay to be honest. Guys, it's okay to be honest.

I had a problem with a workman that came round the house just the other day. Oh yes. I didn't even realise I was doing it. Came round, super friendly guy from the Midlands. So immediately I go more Midlands and we're in it. And I realize I do this a lot. Yeah, go on. Do you pretend you know something that you don't?

I think we've covered this ground before. Oh yeah, my entire life is pretty good at it. Correcting people where I'm also wrong. That's absolutely, yeah. Oh, where you from? Wolverhampton, where you from? Birmingham. I said, oh, my nan's from Birmingham. Can't stand it. And he goes, oh, I'm also wrong. Absolutely. Yeah. I said, Oh, where you from Wolverhampton? Where you from Birmingham? I said, Oh, my nance from Birmingham. He goes, Oh, I'm from Ashley Heath. Do you know it? And I go,

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Ashley Heath. They call me the king of Ashley Heath. I don't know Ashley Heath. What am I doing that for? Why am I pretending I know her well? He went to school with her. Why am I pretending I know Ashley Heath? And he goes, I used to live, you know, you go past the shops and But it's like, why am I pretending I know Ashley Heath? And he goes, I used to live, you know, you go past the shops and then it's like the left past the, you know, the fish and chip shop. And it's like, great, the fish and chip shop.

What's a shop? Why am I doing that? I'm in too deep here. Fish and chip shop in Ashley Heath. And it's like at any moment, someone's going to turn around and go, there is no chip shop in Ashley Heath. And it's like, oh no, I've been rumble house, my PlayStation.

What you've got to realize as well as if you say, no, I don't know that they like that even more. It's fine. Yeah. Cause then they get to go, Oh, well, let me tell you about the chip shop in Ashley Heath. But, but you do get some people who like insist on like, Oh, well it's next to this then. Oh, if you don't know that it's this and they just start flooding you to the point where you have to go.

Yes, I do know that thing. Now. Yeah. But I also have it with, have you seen, have you seen that thing? And I go, yeah. Always say yes. Have you seen that TV? What thing are you talking about?

TV shows. Have you seen that thing yet in the corner? I think it's business based on movement. You know, like the doctor, have you seen that thing? It's you again. How's it think? Is it still the same size of 50 pence piece? Like if, if I'm walking down the road now and someone says to me,

Wait, which road? I'm by the chip shop. Give us a bit of colour here. I don't know why I went with walking down the road. Ignore walking down the road. If I'm in a conversation with someone, no one's going to stop me in the street and go, have you seen Severance?

Not unless they're box popping you. Do you ever want to be stopped in the street by an influencer? Oh my God. So yesterday... Oh, it did? No, no, no, no. I was too excited then. I can't wait for this. Oh my God, that didn't happen. But a different thing I want to talk about

is just about to come out of my mouth. No, I was walking down Carnaby Street yesterday. Oh my God, stop talking. I was walking down Carnaby Street yesterday and an influencer stopped the girl in front of me to go, what are you listening to on your headphones? Oh, I want that. She gave the answer.

I want it so much. And I was one behind her and I was like, podcast about the Packers. I didn't like, I wanted to like, it was like, but in that moment I was also going, I can't say I'm listening to a podcast about American football here. You can, it just won't make the edit. But I kind of, I just was like, what would you go to? Pappi's Flash Show. You've got to obviously say, you've got to say, why would you say I'm listening to a podcast about the Green Bay Packers when you could say I'm listening to a podcast about

a guy telling us about a workman asking about a PlayStation? Talk about a viral hit. What's mad, what my head did was go, say Bruce Springsteen, but I don't listen to Bruce Springsteen. So I would have been lying about, like I went for, I didn't even choose someone who I, I don't listen to Springsteen, I like Springsteen. I don't listen to him. And then I'd have gone, what song? And I'd have gone, I don't know. Give me a second. I have to call my dad. Like in a hypothetical situation.

You know Thunder Road, right? It's in Birmingham. Yeah, yeah. Just pass the chippy, turn left down Thunder Road. Like, in the, like, and this all happened very quickly, but within 10 seconds, I put myself into a hypothetical situation and then lied myself into a corner and I left really stressed, but none of it had happened. That's it. We suffer more in our imagination than in reality. Yeah, there you go. You knew more than anyone, I think.

If anyone goes, like, so yeah. What did the girl who the influencer stopped look like? Was she young, well-dressed? I smelled a rat. Oh, did you think she was another influencer? She was, she was immaculately dressed and very colour-coded with a kind of very ostentatious kind of colour-coded headphones.

And it looked like they were doing it for a second take. Oh. It was like, I was walking, I was like, is someone filming there? And he went, right, go. And she started walking and he went, what you listening to? And I was like, huh?

Go to Springsteen. Laughing like, ugh. We have to do it again. Some bloke's just running to the shop. Green Bay Packers, Springsteen and then gone. I've just got to, I can't stress it off. I love America. I don't know why.

Have you got a second? Cause I'm going to run into a shop and try and buy a Stetson. What accent are you trying for them? Anywho, that's by the bar. Long story short, if someone said, have you seen Severance? I'd say yes.

And I haven't. I just go, yeah, yeah, I have, yeah. And then you spend the rest of the conversation like busking it. Tell us about Severance. Tell us a bit about, who's your favourite character? Obviously it's so weird, isn't it? And you just never know what's going to happen next.

And then it's like that, so like, but it's so interesting. You know, this is the best take I've heard of it. It's like how it's shot. And it's so interesting. You know what, this is the best take up there. It's like, oh, it's short. And then, you know, kind of, you just, it felt like series two, you don't know where it's going to end up, but then the finale, oh my God. And it's like, fucking brilliant series three. Tom, you have seen Severance.

Can I tell you now? That's what everyone's saying about Severance. There you go. There you go, that's it. Okay, let's do another show. Another show you haven't seen. Okay, we know you've seen Ad you haven't seen. Okay. Okay. We know you've seen Adolescents, obviously.

Episode one. Oh, right. Yeah, but I can bust the rest of it. Oh, so sad. I'll do it. It's good. A laugh a minute, a real romp from the golden head of Ray Cooney. Do you know what I was genuinely worried about then was I was like, I've only seen two episodes.

I don't want Tom to spoil it for me, even though he hasn't. Even though he's seen less. Not a danger. Not a danger. You're too accurate. You're like those precocks, aren't you, out of Minority Report? You haven't seen it yet. Series 6 have lost!

Is that what they're like in the precocks? By the way, I was also like, my sort sort of mental Rolodex was going name a current TV show. I'll tell you the two shows I came up with. Call the Midwife. That's the number one for straight away. I'm going, I'll ask him about call the midwife. No one is saying have you seen the most recent series of call the midwife, even though loads

of people are watching it. It's a show, but no one's talking about it. No one's talking about it. Have you seen the one from us? The other thing I was going to do was the Tiger King, but again, it's not locked down. It's not, no. Have you seen White Lotus?

Oh my God, yes. Yeah. You have seen White Lotus. Have you seen all three or are you watching the current one? Oh, the current one, yeah. Amazing. And like every time you just think the way they reinvent themselves and just bring like the new characters in and yeah,

and like it's the same but different and like I love it and you go fucking hell Jason Isaacs now steps in and it's just like he's seen it I know you haven't seen it but you've seen it yeah you've spent so much time lying that you're actually the truth and the lies just blur into one it's amazing and now a job as a reviewer. I don't need to watch it though. Yeah, that's true. No, neither do we. Anyway, what I was getting to was, got on cracking with this Brummie guy.

He was fitting a new gas meter under the stairs. I offered him a coffee. I made him an instant coffee and then we're left alone in the house, and I realize it's my coffee time, and I make myself a posh coffee. No. And I did this, the only time I realized, as I was grinding my beans,

he's there, and I go, sorry, were you grinding your beans? Is that part of the coffee experience? It's a bit of Tom time. I grind my beans and have a posh coffee. I had to come upstairs and grind my beans and then come back down to make the coffee. I did it without thinking. It's like, I'll free a coffee, great. Yeah.

You know, I always think, and in my head then I was trying to tell myself, I just think you give instant coffee to your workman. You don't go posh coffee for your workman. It's too intense is what I was thinking. What the flavor? He can't handle it. It's just look, it's got three little beans

on the outside of this packet. He won't be able to blow his head off. It's got milk cart on the top. He wouldn't know what to do with it. It's like, why am I thinking? I don't want to give him something that's too strong and intense. It's like a workman drinking instant coffees and you go, there you go. Bob, Bob, Bob.

Cause you're thinking he's drinking seven or eight of them a day. Cause he's doing all these other jobs. But it was literally, and I hadn't even thought like about it at all. I just gone, there's your coffees. Oh, thanks mate. Great. Hey, it's like, uh, Ashton Heath or whatever. This'll take you right back to where you wherever you're from there you go the boss

in the green bay packers mug do you like these guys might have a place of music maybe we were born to run takes you back to flenchley's park where you're from yeah yeah chips i'm on the right. I'm grinding my beans. It was just literally as the sound started, I was like, Oh no, I'm grinding my beans here. And he's just there. And it's like, I just carried on. You just did it. So you've made it in front of him. And then didn't talk about it. Drank it, just sat in the corner in your nice chair.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Intense this in it. The flavor and the experience. I've been out in the Midlands a long time. I work in the media now. I'm a different breed to you. You don't know what a podcast is. But I'm going to tell you. I'm going to pretend I've listened to one. You don't know what a podcast is. Yeah. But I'm going to tell you. Pretend I've listened to one.

All about the work of Bruce Springsteen. It's a Bruce Springsteen podcast. I don't know why I lied. Um, but anyway, I felt, I just felt very awkward about it. Yeah. I can imagine. Do you bake posh coffees for your workmen? Yeah.

In fact, you put the controller down and your head for the V 60. Take over me mate. Clarky's playing Virtua Barista on the PlayStation. I'll pop that down for a second. Get the milk steamer out. Do you posh coffee your workmen? Yeah. Of course. Yeah. Because we've got- It's what I drink, so I give them what I drink. We've got a coffee machine. I mean, sure, we've got a kettle. We've got a coffee machine though, like in the kitchen.

So if they can see the coffee machine and I walk straight past it and just scrabble through the bins for some old grinds. There you go. You can have that probably, mate. Yeah. I'll put that in some tap water and with a dash of milk on the top. And that's probably the shit you drink, isn't it? You scum. I've just pulled it into a boot. Is that right? I've pissed in a boot. That's your vibe, isn't it? Yeah.

I felt, I felt terrible. Do you know what I do? I say to them, I say, yeah, could you please put on those little blue things over your shoes? And then I go and put on a pair of muddy wellies and stomp all around my house. It's one rule for me and another rule for you, you scumbag. I go and stomp around his car. No, I always offer a coffee. I'm delighted when they say no, obviously. But I always offer a tea or a coffee or a water. I love it. See, that's the thing. I love that.

I love it. Gets a chance to thing. You love it. I love that. I love it. Gets a chance to show your superiority over them, isn't it? Oh, you're going to love this. No, I tell you what, I'm making you a coffee and then you can watch me make a much nicer coffee. Like it was all with the best intentions. It was like, you know, I loved making him a coffee and like sugar and like, there you go, pal.

Leave it on the side. I love all that stuff. You know what that is? That's Goldblum, that is. It's like, yeah, it is. Do you remember those Maxwell House adverts with Giles from Buffy? Yeah, yeah. I bought that jar when those were on the telly. It's hardened into like a big hockey puck and I've had to bang the tin on the counter.

You can borrow some of your tools actually, man. You've got to take that drill. I'm just, can I borrow some of your tools actually? Can I take that drill? Brrrr, brrrr, brrrr, I've loosened it up with some spits. It's fine, don't worry about it. Oh my God. I tell you what, I loved making that coffee for you. Anyway, brrrr, shh, shh, shh. This is good Nicaragua, these beans.

You wouldn't know it. Pass the chip shop. You've got your head set chip shop. You've been to Nicaragua? Table 36. Oh, flat white. Oh man. Yeah. So I don't know what that says about me, but it probably will. No one will be able to. No one knows. No one can work it out. No, you can say leave that down to the scientists. No, no one knows. No one can work it out, can they? No one can say. No.

Who can say? We'll leave that down to the scientists, Tom. Yeah. I made a cup of coffee for a workman once. He clocked the machine. So I offered him a coffee and he said no. And then he was like, oh, I see your machine. Can I have a coffee actually?

And then he got there. And I made him the coffee and I was like, oh, I'm so sorry you've got no milk. And he's like, that's all right, I'll have it black. But it was piping hot. And he'd finished the coffin. I was like, oh, I'm so sorry. We've got no milk. And he's like, that's all right. I'll have it black. But it was piping hot. And he'd finished the job. So then he had to sit. You offered him a coffee too late?

No, I'd offered him when he'd arrived. And then he's done the work. As he was walking out the door. And then he was like, oh, I see a coffee machine. No, that's on him today. That's not on. And it was piping hot. And it was like, and then he was like trying to finish it.

But clearly like, you know, the conversation wasn't scintillating. You had to get the PlayStation out. You played the latest FIFA. Where you're from, yes, I've been there. Past the chip shop on the left. Severance, White Lotus, Call the Midwife. You've done all the big hitters. You've done all the big shows. You just kept getting up and going to the tap and putting cold water in.

You know, it's nice and cheap for milk. Shinning a boiling hot coffee. Yeah. He got about halfway through, started to tremble and left. Would you mind driving me to the hospital? Do you have different mugs? Do you have the tradesman's mugs as well? I've, we've got, I mean, I don't know.

This isn't a hot observation on material. I don't know what you did. Tom threw his microphone from one hand to the other and no one's sure why. Tom. Are you okay? Yeah. I've had two coffees. Yeah, that's the problem. Both of them posh. Tom, are you okay? I've had two coffees.

Both of them posh. Two posh coffees. You double dropped. So, the trouble is in a second you're going to crash hard. No, I was like, you know, is it a bit of observational? This is my problem. My problem when I'm trying to write standup is what I think is hack observational stuff, Ben always points out, no one, no one, no, I'm like,

you know, the old TK Maxx stuff. It's really hack and Ben was like, a long time, Thomas obsessed with putting TK Maxx, he's like, everyone goes to TK Maxx. Cause I know Tommy of you do. Obviously some people do, but not everyone. Tom's got a very skewed view of the world because he works in a TK Maxx. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone he meets is coming into a TK Maxx.

Mad that he's offering them a coffee every time as well. TK Maxxwell house, isn't it? We own, there's four of us in the house, only two of us drink hot drinks out of the mugs. Sure. Well, two of them are children. Two of them are children, exactly. It would be mad if you're making a posh coffee for your daughter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's four.

Although where do you come down on baby chinos? Oh, I love them. They're fun. I think it's just milk, isn't it? You don't eat... Do you just do a normal milk for your kids, a baby chino for you? What does it mean?

One of my kids has gotten to baby chinos and I don't like it. Why not? I don't like it in theory. Go on. Tell me why you don't like it. It's a class thing. I feel like, I don't know. So you're a bit stunk I feel like, um, no, no. So you, they should have instant coffee. Exactly.

Yeah. Oh, I didn't, I didn't explain this, but I've been a middle-class person. I raised my children as working class. Throffy water. An instant baby chino. Yeah. I want my kids to earn it. I don't want my kids to grow up in this, you know,

in this sort of ivory tower. So I'm making sure that my kids never have the finer things in life. They can watch me sit on my throne, drinking my posh coffee and then go, one day I'm gonna be just like you dad. You better fucking work. You gotta work.

Do your homework then. Yeah. You're 16 month old boy. So you think it's, you think it's a sort of, it's something you didn't have when you were a kid. your homework then? Yeah. You're 16 month old boy. So you think it's, you think it's a sort of, it's something you didn't have as when you were a kid. So yeah, I guess. Yeah.

Well, yeah, my thing was I don't know how they're priced. They're about 50, about 50 P. Okay. In that case, they're fine. They're not going to be four quid. That's why I was worried because it's like normally it's in the posh coffee shop. Well, I said posh coffee shops. Is your problem you're worried you won't be able to afford one?

That's a different thing. I thought it was like a bit, I thought that it was maybe like a bit exploitative that they're like, oh, you know. It's still massively hyped up, isn't it? Because you're only getting a bit of frothy, but that much frothy milk for 50p. But still, yeah, it doesn't feel, it doesn't feel terrible. And I think for the kids, it gives them that little sense of autonomy. They get to order it themselves. You know, they, they can go up to the counter themselves. They can order it and they can down well pay for it. I think I'm made of money. I have to drink it as soon as it arrives.

One baby extra hot and one ambulance, please. I say, one baby Chino extra hot. And one ambulance, please. Yes. Yeah, one baby Chino. Hold the milk. Hold the milk, kid. No, please. I tell you what, your sentences are going to be so clear

because you're drinking a pot of steam. Yeah, I mean, I don't, maybe I feel like they're not enough of a coffee. Yeah, they're not enough of a coffee. Yeah, they're not a coffee at all. Yeah, exactly. So you're thinking just chuck a Cotarder in there. I don't know why we're pretending. Double espresso.

I don't know why we're pretending. I don't know. Anyway. You don't know why you're pretending. That's all kids do. Yeah, but it's not, it's like, it's not easy to be bought. It's like, yeah, not having a doctor's kit, you're going into a real surgery and you are going to learn on the job. No, no.

Tom's going to smash up their mud kitchen. No, no. This isn't real. I can't eat this shit. I mean, the workmen can. I've done you a spag ball, mate. Yeah, you fucking bastard. This is all you know.

That reminds you of Ashley Field, one of the fuck it was called. Where the fuck it was called? Yeah, you fucking bastard. This is all you know. That'll remind you of Ashley Field, one of the fuck it was called. Where the fuck it was called? Let's make some chips for you, cunts. No, like I'm totally on board with, oh, this is a lovely cup of tea. Mm, that's nice. Like if we were to drink, if we go into a cafe and I sit down with my boy and go, there's your coffee.

And we go, Oh, lovely. I'm, I'm, I'm bored with that. I'm not, I'm bored with the fucking cafe joining in. I mean, and going like, yes, well you're just raving the coffee. Yeah, I'm happy with that. I'll do that all day. You're saving money. Aren't you?

Yeah. That's most of my day is like the make believe. You're trying to not spend money on your kids. Honestly, I'm an expert at it. Daddy, are we having make believe dinner tonight? Yes. Now you're going to make believe you've watched CBeebies. And then when someone asks you about it, I'll talk you through it.

Don't worry. Bluey, yeah, yeah, it's kind of about this blue dog, isn't it? Great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's all you need to know. Let them do the rest of the talking. Like, I like like like say if we're sitting at home and the kids are playing pizza restaurant and it's like here's your pizza thank you i'm happy with that i don't want fucking dominoes to get involved i don't dominoes to go we'll come around and deliver a box that they can play with if you're in a pizza restaurant tom you'd want your kids to eat a pizza right

well surely well i don't know about that. You say, look, this fake pizza you've got, you bring this into Pizza Express, I'll eat a fucking huge Fiorentino in front of you while you just chew on a bit of cardboard. Pizza, he's having the all he can eat. No kids. Let's just say I'm not comfortable with baby chinos,

I'm not sure why. Yeah. Every time I interrogate the thoughts, it doesn't bear fruit. But just to say my kids won't know the taste of hot milk. It feels crass word, wanky. Sure. Yeah, that's what it does. It feels wanky.

I know what you mean by that. Yeah, that's the long and short topic. Yeah. And I tell you, do you get them a longer or shorter? Can I have a two point baby Gino, please? And you're drinking all, you know, like when they go, Oh, I caught my kids smoking. So I make them smoke five packets of cigarettes and they'll never smoke again. My boy will never forget his first baby Gino. Drink this four pint at a time.

It was a yard of milk. I am going to force lactose intolerance on you. A steaming hot yard of milk. Finish it, finish it, finish it. You can drink four pints out of a big block of cheese. Yeah, so anyway, is that that? Tom, the Hitchcock Zoom just went off in Tom's head. Are you alright? So Tom, you were going to tell us about your hack observational.

Yeah, hack observational, which communities don't do that, do they? I used to do that back in the day. I don't know. I think it's more of a sort of singer thing. I think of a sort of Engelbert Humperdinck would throw the microphone between two. Yeah, I think it's a song about having too many mugs. Like a Bruce Springsteen, if you will. Yeah, there's four of us in the house, two of us drink hot drinks. We have, I think about 45 mugs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's the hack bit of standup, but like, I have so many mugs and I don't want to get

rid of them. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's the hack bit of standup, but like I have so many mugs and I don't want to get rid of them. Yeah. And there are definitely- Everyone's got a memory. Yeah. Every mug's got a memory. Emotional attachment. And also you never want to be caught short.

What if the Blazing Squad show up? You want to be able to know you can get to can cater. Okay, we're having a big, big party but everybody's drinking out of a mug. You can make those puddings that you make in mugs in the microwave. Yeah, like maybe cocoa or something, I don't know, it's Christmas. You're having 40 people around for cocoa. I don't know. You're anti-baby Chino but you're having a fucking Coco Caboots in your house. Coco Caboots is a good name, isn't it? You remember Coco Caboots, wonderful fashion designer.

So good. So good. What am I listening to? Coco Caboots. That was a setup though, definitely. Coco Caboots are always too immaculately dressed. My dress is by Coco Caboots. I'm listening to Coco Caboots.. I am Co Co Co Butts. And I was born. But doctor, I am Co Co Co Butts. So yeah, you're- 40 odd mugs.

And I will say this. Fucking hell, I'm learning a lot about myself today. There are tiers of mugs. There are the ones that I use. Yeah, that Eric Clapton song, yeah. Very emotional. Yeah. Cup of tea.

There are definitely like the premier mugs that I use for my punch cover. What the hell? Normally it's like the stuff for guests. You posh it up for the guests, not for yourself. No, but like the more, shall we say, ostentatious mugs, like the ones that like they're like either extra big or they have the sports direct mugs. Sports direct mugs are ostentatious. Ah, I see we have an aristocrat here.

No, mine will have a baby chino. You drink from your sports direct mug and you like it, okay? It's a builder's tea. Not for me, of course. So I've got mugs with a little bit too much flair to want to give to the workmen. What kind of flair are we talking? Talk us through your lavish mug.

I've got one that has kind of like a decorative handle and has kind of, it spouts out at the top. Does it have some sort of South African phrase on it? Is that? Yes. I think I've seen that. That's right. It's a Samuel L Jackson mug.

I've never, I've seen it. It's in a glass cabinet in your house. I said, oh, I'm spitting feathers over your top. I'm going to have a cup of tea. I'm so sorry. The 39 other guests have got mugs. I was like, but what about that one? No, no, no. I'm spitting feathers over your top. I'm going to have a cup of tea. I'm so sorry. The 39 other guests have got mugs. I was like, but what about that one?

No, no, no, I'm afraid not. Could you please take your shoes off? Then we've got like your basic mugs. Yeah. Ones that you kind of acquire along the way. Like for example, when we moved house, the moving company said, welcome to the house. We've got your present.

The moving company said, welcome to your own house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, mate. I have money paid for this house. I don't want your welcoming me in. Listen, after an emotional day of moving house, it was a nice, it was nice to have it. Yeah, someone's You open this little box, it's got a branded pen.

Yeah. And a branded mug. Oh, lovely. So now that branded mug removal men mug. Yeah. That's the kind of stuff where I'm like, that's what I gave to Brummie Guy putting in the gas meter. Because it's like, it's a no-nonsense, straight up and down, there's no fancy handle,

it's got a fucking trade on the side of it. I had this the other day. Enjoy that fucking Goldblend mate, I've got a sugar in. I was bringing up... He did that for it. I assume you have a sugar. You've all got sweet tooth. you have 15 sugars. Yeah.

This happened to me the other day where I was, had some painters coming around and I was delivering a coffee up to one of the painters. And I realized I was delivering it in a mug that was another painter's company. No! Yeah. Had to chuck it down my throat.

It's your coffee mate. I had to get rid of it and be like, I can't, because it feels... Yeah. It's like... Like loaded. Yeah. It's like... With hot drink. And a bit of paint. Yeah, it's had a paint brush in it.

You said that it was red brick, yeah? Yeah. Nice vibrant colour in this thing. How do you like it? Cow's milk, oat milk or mat? So did you go and just decant it straight into another one or did you go again? No, I decanted it into another one, yeah. It was still good. But that's, they are. Even your pouring mug to mug is fancy when you decant it. You put it into a decanter first. Yeah You ever seen Tom Cruise in cocktail Multiple multiple mugs I was pouring them

That's not coffee throwing's throwing in your face. The flaring barista. Constant third degree burns. He looks like Freddy Krueger. The English patient. One lump or two. That's not what baristas say. One lump or two. A classic barista phrase.

Oh no. But my point is, if I was to say to you now, at the drop of a hat, put your mugs in some kind of league system, it wouldn't take long at all. No, you've definitely got a premiership, haven't you? I've just got front of the cupboard, back of the cupboard, basically. So it's like the ones I like the most. You drink out of the cupboard.

He's a thirsty boy. I work my way from the front to the back and have a cupboard worth of coffee, please. They walk in and go, what the fuck have you done to this? It gets increasingly dusty as you get down. Never mind your PlayStation. Look at your drink station, man the fuck have you done to this? It gets increasingly dusty as you get down. Never mind your PlayStation, look at your drink station man, what are you doing? Why are you using that to pick up your food?

It's called a cutlery drawer. It's going in the gob. So what's at the back? This, they're seldom used. The ones I like. You know, the ones you like. Oh, sorry. I like the least.

All right, okay. And also the smallest mugs, you know. The little you like. Oh, sorry. I like the least. All right, okay. And also the smallest mugs. The little Espresso's. Your baby chinos. Yeah. Yeah, I've been bought a few of those Espresso, they're classic presents.

Keep hold of them. Never used one in my life. Do you know what was like the go-to present between the ages of about 18 and 24. Hit flask. Shots glasses. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anything that made the fact that you were a binge drinker.

Clark, classic. I've got my own shot glass. Yeah, like, oh, Clark, he's turning 20. I'll get him some shots glasses. Like you just sit at home going, here we go. What, you don't? That's what I offer the word. One shot or two.

I wonder who was trembling. Irish coffee. One o'clock in the morning. Irish coffee, hold the coffee. This vodka didn't need to be boiling the thing I really don't go for is when you go to people's houses and they've just got six identical mugs you just think I was considered by him dead inside sorry you considering that recently

Clarky we saved you from death there. Yeah, I know. Bloody hell. When someone's gone, oh no, we just have those now and we only have six and they're all exactly the same. They're a set. Why is that bad? You just think you've fucking given up on life now. What do your plate sets look like? Oh, they're a hotch-potch mix bag.

Really? A lot of them inherited from different places. Wow, wow, people have given up on life. A lot of them inherited by people who've died and given you an old plate. That's what I mean. You want to open your mug cupboard and go, yeah, this is who I am. There's some kind of story here. This is, there's like the other people who moved past with me. There's a lot about who you are in this episode. So you want all, nothing matches and it's all different. And there's, there's a tale to tell. Tell a lot about a person by their mug cupboard.

I think you can tell a lot about a person by how they treat workmen. It's actually, I think more so than their mug cupboards. I respect that. If you treat people like mugs, that's what you is, mate. Thank you for making it to the end of that. That can't be what. Yeah. Thanks for making it to the end of that. Can't be what. Thank you myself.

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