Pappy's Flatshare - Ep 1514: Pappy's Flatshare Slamdown with Joe Sutherland & Ruth Husko - "Build a conservatory"

Episode Date: May 6, 2025

Neither Tom nor Ben wants to build a conservatory… so Matthew says we’re gonna have to have a flatshare slamdown!Matthew Crosby, Ben Clark and Tom Parry Wicks recorded live at The Phoenix Cavendish Square with guests Ruth Husko and Joe SutherlandJoe Sutherland - https://www.joesutherland.co.uk/Ruth Husko - https://x.com/dank_ackroyd or https://www.instagram.com/ruth_husko/To get episodes early and ad-free - PLUS a bonus episode every week - join our Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/pappysflatshareTo watch full episodes of Pappy’s Flatshare find us on YouTube: www.youtube.com/@pappysflatshareAnd follow us onInstagram: instagram.com/pappyscomedyTikTok: www.tiktok.com/@pappysflatshareFacebook: www.facebook.com/PappysFlatshare/And X: twitter.com/pappystweetPAPPY'S FLATSHARE SLAMDOWN, is back at the Phoenix Pub for TWO Flatslams on May 27th and June 2nd!WITH SPECIAL GUESTS...TUESDAY MAY 27TH: NATALIE CASSIDY + LEAH DAVISMONDAY JUNE 2ND: ROISIN CONATY + MILES JUPPPappy’s Flatshare Slamdown is the hilarious and anarchic panel game hosted by award-winning sketch heroes Pappy’s and featuring great guests from the world of comedy.You can buy tickets for either show or use this special link to buy ONE DISCOUNTED TICKET THAT GETS YOU INTO BOTH SHOWS! Tickets are £11 (£19 for both) but our Patreon members get discounted tickets (£2 off). Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Greetings listener dear, I'm Tom, I'm Ben. And I am Matthew and welcome to a very exciting episode of Pappy's Flat Share Slamdown. The flagship episode. It means we've got through another month. It means the new month is beginning and we get to give you one of our live shows where we have two wonderful guests in London's glittering West End. Yes, indeed. The Phoenix in Cavendish Square played host to Ruth Husko and Joe Sutherland, two absolute diamonds.

We had such a good time recording this episode. It was a real joy. I've loved Joe for ages. I've loved Ruth for ages. I think that they're brilliant and they stepped up Oh, they really did they stepped up big time, which was fortunate because we all lay down didn't we? We said would you mind if we do this on a chaise long? Yeah, mind if we reclined we wet-legged it we wet-legged it all the way and by that I mean

Okay all the way. And by that I mean I pissed myself guys! Okay anyway it was a lovely record and we had a really nice time. Don't be put off by any of the stuff you've heard so far guys. All of the live records are a ton of fun and if you do ever get the chance to get down to London and see one of them then please do so. Have we got any upcoming? We do. We've got one this month, Tuesday May the 27th. We have Natalie Cassidy and Leah Davis will be joining us. Absolutely brilliant. So you've got a little bit of time to grab tickets for that. We also have one on June the 2nd, Roisin Conaty and Miles Jupp. So grab your tickets from pappiescomedy.com forward slash live. And if you want to get discounted tickets, you can get them via the Patreon.

So if you join the Patreon and by the way, we're still doing our seven day free trial on the Patreon. So even if you want to go join the Patreon, get the discount code during your seven day free trial and then forget about it. That's also fine. You can do that. We've been doing that trial for longer than seven days, surely.

Well, here's the great thing about it. The offer lasts for a long time. I'm going to say forever. But the free trial itself will last you but seven days. I get it now. Great. Now you understand. Well, why don't you hop on the page and see what you can see. Not only do you get a whole bunch of extras, you get to support us in our podcast journey.

That's how you have to sell things these days. Everything's a journey. And we are on this journey with you, listen, a dear. So why don't you pop four pounds in our backpack and we can buy some kendal mint cake guys we're we're on a journey we currently cannot afford the bus fare so please join us at patreon.com forward slash pappies flat share okay well let's get into this episode clarky ram it home oh what well if it's all the same with you, I think I'll just introduce the episode. Smart move, Lucky. Guys, have a listen to this. It's a beaut!

So, man! What is it, Matthew? Yeah, what is it? It's Becky Dwyer. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, guys, please, please. It is true, though So listen, they say, they say, and I've been reading a book of idioms, but they say that people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. And I would, you're right Tom, you're okay. Because Tom's actually trying to currently pass a stone. And when he passes it, I would like to throw it. So one of you two has got to build a conservatory.

Oh, well, it's not going to be me, Matthew. Why is that, Tom? Because I had a celebrity party in my conservatory, and it did not go well. Oh, no. What happened? The bald rapper was there, the guy they call Mr. Worldwide. And so was Keith Richards and Mick Jagger. Anyway, I left them to it.

When I came back, he was only noshing them off. Pitbull in glass houses shouldn't blow stones. It's what it is. Oh, my God. Send that info to Poppitch. They'd love that sort of thing. Clarky, what about you? Why aren't you going to do it? Oh mate, you know, I actually used to work in a conservatory making business and...

Oh wow. Yeah, I was like... Oh wow, mate. Tell you more. That's not it. I was pretty good at it, but one thing I always got wrong, I always ordered the wrong amount of windows. I'd always get like, you know know only 50% of the windows ordered my boss get really down about it he's really pessimistic but that was my boss you know just a glass half full kind of guy

so I mean so similar in quality right so also in Dorshtopf Mick Jagger So, we're back, well there's only one way to settle this. We're going to have to have a Flat Shed Slam Down! Hello, woohoo indeed and welcome to Flat Shed Slam Down, the panel show that says Cause since I've come on home, well my body's been a mess And I've missed your ginger hair and the way you like to dress Would you come on over? Stab me in the wall, oh yeah Why don't you come on over, conservatory? I'm the host and landlord, Matthew Crosby

Let's meet the two men in my Britney Spears style conservatory ship. It's Tom Perry and Benedict Clarke. Hey-oh! Now guys, you cannot build a conservatory on your own. Who have you brought to increase the value of our property tonight? Ben.

I've brought my friend, it's Joe Sutherland. Joe Sutherland is here. Joe. Hi Joe, how you doing? Hi, I'm good thank you. It's great to have you on the show. What kind of a person are you to live with? I think I'm the one who has the ability to, now I think it's only 10% of housemates out there have this ability, but they are the ones who can physically see mess. I'd say, yeah, 90% of housemates can't. It's a bit like coriander.

Is that biological? Yeah, but I have that sixth sense I can see mess. And does that mean you see it even when it's not really there? Because that's what I'm getting is one of the 90%. How much is too much mess? What's the smallest level of mess you're willing to accept in, say, for example, a living room or a kitchen? Whoa, whoa, whoa.

We're comparing apples and oranges here. No, they're in the kitchen. That's the kitchen. A lovely fruit bowl in the living room. Buy the fruit bowl. Okay, all right. Who left all these oranges all over the sofa? All these oranges and coriander everywhere. It's a fucking mess in here.

Someone clearly never hosts if you don't have a fruit bowl in the living room. God. Okay, all right. So let's start with the living room. Okay. We'll start with the living room. We'll work our way up to the horror show that is the kitchen, all right? Start in the living room. What do we'll start with the living room. We'll work our way up to the horror show

that is the kitchen, all right? Start in the living room. What do you think is- I can't believe how tense this imaginary situation is, man. I know. I just wish I'd heard it. I just didn't anticipate, like, I sort of knew that this was the aspect

that I was gonna raise, but I didn't anticipate how much it would make me picture mess, and so I've become incredibly stressed. Is this triggering for you? Yeah, really. OK, I tell you what. I tell you what.

Let's go the other way. Let's go the other way. Just grab a really nice clean room for us. Oh, it's lovely. Talk us through it. Oh, well, you've got sort of natural daylight coming in through a sash window, double glazed, onto a hardwood floor with a simple rug.

I would say not a Persian, too busy. Just a sort of like- Do you like Dion Dublin? You can listen to this all day. He gets that all the time, don't you, Joe? We actually thought he'd booked Dion Dublin. And I'd say a smattering of houseplants, but they are grouped together. They're not sort of all over the place.

They're very much like zoning. Zoning is important. And I'd say no plates left over in the living room. Key distinction between living room and kitchen. And what about a lovely sort of ornamental plate commemorating a royal wedding up on the wall. Charles and Diana or Charles and Camilla? Prince Andrew's 30th. And his mate's 14th.

Anyway, Joe Southerland is here. Thank you for painting that gorgeous tableau for us. Tom, who have you brought with you this week? Matthew, the Jamboree's in danger. Oh, no. Ah, who have you brought with you this week? Matthew, the jamboree's in danger. Oh no. Ah, heating's broken. No one expected that. I know. How much heating do you need at a jamboree? It's bloody freezing around here. My nips are on display.

Well, that's a separate issue. Yes, yes. That's the other reason why it's in danger. Let's deal with the heating first, then we'll deal with the nips later tonight. I've had to hire the warmest person I know. It's only Ruth Husko everybody! Ruth, I've got to ask you before we begin, are you part of the 10% or are you part of the 90%? Can you see grime and dirt or does it pass you by?

Can you hear grime? I can absolutely hear grime. I can see dirt. Yes, I'm part of the 10%. You're part of the 10%, are you? Yes, yeah, definitely. Literally. My flatmate Beth is a model.

Imagine if that was Lee Mack's new game show and they just bring out a table with some mess on it and whether you can see it or not, you win a prize. I'd want to. You win the mess. So what kind of a person are you to live with? You've told us you can see mess. Yeah it's tricky to answer actually because I'm not someone who's been in a lot of flat shares, spent a lot of time living on my own Freddie Mercury style. Style. Di-ba-day-oh. Di-ba-day-oh. Yeah, exactly. Di-ba-day-oh. I don't have no time for no monkey business. Di-ba-day-oh.

Di-ba-day-oh. I get so lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely. Yeah. Got to be some good times ahead. It's kind of like that. It's a bit like that. It's a bit like that. So how much time do you reckon you've got now for monkey business?

90%? Oh, loads. Don't you think if you lived on your own, you'd have more time for monkey business? Well, it depends. It depends if you're in Queen or not. Yeah, that's true. You know what I mean?

That is true. And obviously solo album, Mr. Bad Guy, but whatever. Sorry, just for the Queen fans. What do you think, Tom, is your most monkeyish thing you've done recently? I own, my monkey is my, I had- It's your heroin addiction, isn't it? What do you think Tom is your most monkeyish thing you've done recently? My monkey is my... It's your heroin addiction, isn't it?

I don't have no time for no... I've had a monkey since I was two. You have had a monkey since you were two? My childhood toy. Oh, a monkey, yeah. And it's gone bald with me. What have you been doing to it? But basically there was this harrowing instant when I was nine where me and my sister

played teddy bear cricket. And she used, she had a care bear that she was using as a bat. And I used monkey as the ball. And it was like just, we were giddy and we were excited. It was for holidays. It was monkey business. Yeah, exactly and she

Batted monkey for six and when I found him he'd lost his eye Yeah, and I cried all night about having like betrayed monkey you pride your own eyes out I was like, I'm so sorry. I used you as a ball and now there's this guilt thing with monkey Yeah, it's like I can't part with him out of guilt. What do you, why do you want to part with him? Because he's this horrible bald guy. Yeah but your wife still loves you. He's like your sort of portrait in the attic if you also aged as well as the portrait.

He's like your sort of portrait in the attic if you also aged as well as the portrait. The simian of Dorian Gray. No, no, hang on. The portrait of simian gray. Nope, neither works. So we've met our guests. Let's find out who's gonna be... Try it with the word thee. Go on, try it with the word thee. Try it with grey. Anyway, we've met our guests. Let's find out who's been bringing a touch of glass as we play Round One! A little more conservatory, a little less patio All these outdoor spaces ain't satisfaction in me A little more malls made out of glass It's warm when it's dry and there's no fucking grass

Just for likes pretend it's centre park See you're conservatory, you're conservatory baby You're conservatory baby Whoop! Whoa! So this first round is called What's the Story? Conservatory. As a conservatory, it's known for making things hotter. That's exactly what I would like our first team to do.

I'm going to give our players a scenario. They have to incrementally make it more and more sexy. Whoa. Shouldn't be hard. But I am. For example, if we started with the decidedly non-sexy scenario of a podcast recording, the first player could suggest that it was hosted by Pappy's and featured Joe Sutherland and Ruth Husko. Mwah-choo-wah-wah!

Gets me right where it's pure! We'll play it in teams starting with Ben and Joe. I'm going to give you a scenario. Ben, you make it hotter, you score a point. Joe, you make it hotter, you score another point, so on and so on. You've got two minutes on the clock to make this room full of podcast loving virgins hot under the collar of their fleeces. However, if the opposing team, in this case, Tom and Ruth.

Hello. If you think they've actually made it less sexy You can challenge and if I accept your reasoning you take control of the game Whoever is playing with the two minutes or up get a bonus five points, but I will Five points what's that? Yes, so a bonus five points so they I Will be docking points for hesitation. So no running down the clock, but plenty of sliding down my cock.

Sorry, I, I, I knew that running this script through an AI sex spot was a bad idea. But there you go. Them's the breaks. So Ben and Joe, you're finished with my sex spot. Send it back. Give it back to you. It has lost an eye. the breaks. So Ben and Joe, your scenario is returning, is returning a book to the library. Who's going to go first? Clarky, do you want to start things off? Okay. You've got two minutes. You've got two minutes on the clock. Returning a book to the library.

What was the scenario? I've returned a book to the library. So getting it. Yes, that's right. You remember the thing I said 10 seconds ago? Yes. OK, you've got two minutes on the clock. Remember, you can challenge at any point.

OK, here we go. Returning a book to the library. Hello. I just want to return this copy of the Karma Sutra. Joe's just cringed inside himself. You'll have to take that to the return desk. Challenge. Okay. What's sexy about the return desk?

We haven't got there yet. It was a sexy voice, right? Are you not going to allow a little bit of latitude for a sexy voice? Okay. And the return desk. The sexy voice led me to believe we were going somewhere sexy.

Yeah. And then we arrived at the returns desk. You know what? I'm going to accept the challenge, Tom. You've clearly got something sexy up your sleeve. You've got a minute and 27 seconds. Your time starts now. I have to put it down here on the returns desk, so I'm bending right over.

I've got a challenge. It can't be that you don't find me sexy. Can't it? Watch your challenge, Clarky. Why is the return desk so small? Watch your challenge, Clarky. Why is the return desk so small? It's very good. It's not the size, it's what you do with it. I'm going to accept the challenge, Clarky. You regain control of the game. You have a minute and 28 seconds.

Oh, no. Look at me. I'm suddenly all wet. It's so hot in here. You're sweating. Yeah. Anyone fancy a challenge there because I feel like... Challenge?

Yes. That's not sexy. And why is the library so hot? Okay, it gets thrown over to your team there. You have a minute left. Ruth, I believe you're to make this sexier. So we've got a man bending over a small desk, dripping with sweat. The bar is so fucking low.

Oh, I'm so hot. I'm going to take my cock out now. That's our challenge. Is that not how you like to cool down? It's absolutely roasted. It's a real cock out kind of day. You know what it's like. And lose 90% of your heat through your cock. That's what they say.

Not my cock I don't know. Gull, what's your challenge? Challenges that we've ventured into a crime. Go on, what's your challenge? Challenges that we've ventured into a crime. Yes, a very good point. Sexy crime. Crime can be sexy. Not a sexy crime, I don't think.

No, you've got 52 seconds, so we've got a man. You could pop the cock back in if you want. I think we're... Joe, you have 52 seconds. Your time starts now. Oh, my cock. Sorry. That's just what I call this bookmark.

It's leather and stiff. Sorry. Bonus points. I led to my bell by accident. Pop that over there. That bell's on the Pop that over there. That bell's on the underside of the table. How did that happen?

My apologies for an incorrect challenge, though. I docked myself five points and I will be chemically castrated after the show. So 29 seconds. Yes, you've got a leathery bookmark that you call your cock. Clarky, Clarky, you're to continue. Yes. Why don't you come on over here and help me with my bookmark? Challenge.

We don't know that his name's Mark. Overruled. You have 11 seconds left to make it sexy. Here we go. Well, Clarence, I knew that was your name because I read your library card that you just handed to me. I of course can help you with your bookmark but I don't want to break the leather so I'll just lubricate my hands with this Vaseline. And that's your time. Oh my god.

Don't stop, don't stop! My goodness me, I'm undone. I'll pop my cock back in. So, yes, well, that was really something else. Is this what ASMR is? This is exactly, yeah. So, Ben and Joe get the bonus five points because you had control at the end of the game. They're well done to you.

Now, next up, next up, it's Ruth and Tom's turn to begin. And this time we are making it less and less sexy. That's right. We're playing people. We're playing conservatory party conference. I'm going to give I'm going to give them an erotic situation. They have to make it increasingly less naughty. Same gameplay applies. So Ben and Joe, you can challenge at any time. So Tom and Ruth your

arousing scenario is an oiled-up game of nude twister with the cast of Bridgerton. That's right Ben Miller and the rest of them. I actually have to Google, what's the sexy thing? And they said Bridgerton. So yes, I think we'll go with that. So new Twister, you're all oiled up. Okay, you've got your bookmarks out and you're playing a nude game of Twister with the cast of Bridgerton.

You have two minutes on the clock and who's gonna start? It's gonna be you Tom, or is it gonna be you Ruth? It's going to be you, Tom, or it's going to be you, Ruth? I think you start. Yeah, it's OK. Fair enough. Tom, so make that less and less sexy in increments. Start it now. Oh, Ben Miller.

You've got to put one finger on the brown spot. I'm going to stop you right there, Tom. What's going on? We're playing Twister. Ben Miller's got us to get down on the brown spot. No, no, on the Twister board. Oh, that brown spot. I didn't think there's a brown one on there, but it's okay.

All right, here we go. Is it Ben Miller from Armstrong and Miller? It's Armstrong and Miller, yeah. Oh, really? He's in Bridgerton, the first series. Oh, okay, right, good to know. Anyway, yes, it's good to... And Ben Miller's there, is he? We're laughing and learning.

So, you've got a minute 52, Ruth. Oh, no, I don't wanna do that. Let's watch some repeats of when I was in Death in Paradise. I just had to check it was the same one. No, actually, we're gonna watch some with Ralph Littling instead. Oh, challenge. No, no, no! Finally.

No, Joe, say it ain't so. I'd say, okay, some of us gay millennials were watching The Royal Family around the turn of the century and getting both our comedy education and our gay awakening. I'm gonna accept it, absolutely right. You've got a minute 32, your time begins now. Then of course I will bring out my DVD extras where we can watch the commentary version

of Death in Paradise, featuring only the voice of the producers, not the director. Where'd you go from here, Clarkeet? Is that copy a rental? I think we should take you back to the returns desk. Challenge. We know how low that returns desk is.

I'm afraid it's low. It's absolutely dripping with sweat at that return desk. Tom, it was a correct challenge, you've got a minute and eight seconds. Oh, look at that corpse. Tom. Okay. Just have to think of something that's less sexy than a corpse, Ruth. Would you like to, I see what you to turn that off. Let's watch.

No, it wasn't on the telly. Look at that corpse. Oh, sorry. I think we were watching. Oh, I thought we were watching Death in Paradise. Yeah, we were. And then I saw a corpse over there. Oh, let's turn this off.

Why don't we watch, why don't we watch my friend, Alexander Armstrong, in a few repeats of Pointless? Oh, you know why his arm's so strong? Because of all the wanking. Oh, okay, I thought it was going to be a challenge. Yeah, it's because he's so attracted to Richard Osmond, his friend on the show, Pointless. Do you still do it? Does he still do it?

No, he doesn't. No, he doesn't. No, he doesn't. No he doesn't. Tom said yeah yeah and everyone said no. No he doesn't. He does the celebrity ones and he does the repeats. Can I challenge?

Yes you can challenge. I find Tom getting things wrong very around. There's a reason you stuck around since 2011. So you've got 15 seconds very aroused. There's a reason you stuck aroused in 2011. So you've got 15 seconds to make Zander Armstrong jerking off over Richard Osman. Less sexy. 15 seconds.

Oh man! I've just fallen over. I've sprained my ankle. That's your time, there we go. Just comes naturally now. He just fell over and sprained his ankle. Was that Osmond falling over or Armstrong? It was Armstrong because Osmond is on the fucking totem. Now-

They were repeats, repeats. It was- It was a repeat. It was a repeat. They were watching repeats. Now at the end of that round, you again had control there, Ben and Josie. You get the five points,

but to find out the final scores at the end of that round, let's hear the erotically charged tones of producer Emma let's hear the scores please. Directors and not included so not sexy for me. The directors commentary not included here just the producers don't worry that will come out in the edit that's easy. Absolutely not You're leaving all of that in. Every bit of that I enjoyed. Honestly, I'm turgid after hearing that. Well, Crosby's already got the minus five points

on the castration side. That's right. Yes. Then we've got Tom and Ruth have five and Ben and Joe has 16. Oh. So Ben and Joe are in the lead, but the glass room isn't yet half empty for Tom and Ruth.

There's still everything to play for when we return in part two. See you in a bit. Welcome back to Flash Slam Down! Before the break, can you believe it? Joe and Clarky were in the lead. The scores haven't moved and the conservatory remains unbuilt. Can we talk about how many points they're in the lead? They're in a lot. They've got a lot of points here. You're going to have to really, you

know, you have to up your game for the second half. Can we like start giving us loads of points? No. You win like every week. The mad thing is, Clarky, he's had these kind of leads before and you've still won Tom. So just- Okay. I've got it in me. Just back yourself. I've really got the potential to really fuck this up. To run it into the ground. Of course you have Clarky. We believe in you. Anyway, let's not forget what tonight is all about. We're trying to build a conservatory. One of you two're trying to build a conservatory.

One of you two is going to build this conservatory. Although I have just had a quote to build one from an Irish American hip hop group turned window fitters. They call themselves House of Pains. There's no time for that now. There is no time for that. It's onwards to round two, flat games. Let's play together. There is no time for that. It's onwards to round two, flat games. Yeah! Games!

Let's play together. Games! Let's play forever. Roll the dice. Spin that thing. Put that there. Do as you're told. Games!

If you lose you get nothing. Games! If you win you get gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! GOOOOOLD! Yes, indeed. You don't get that on Parenting Health. If you win, you get gold! Gold! Gold! Gold! Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo instead on that podcast. You're making gold in podcasting. It's a wonderful show. Now, this week, we're playing our version of Snooker, which we're calling Snooper.

I would like you to imagine you're a nosy neighbor or a member of the gutter press in the 1990s. And sing. A simpler time. A simpler time when there was a gutter press. Remember those body form adverts? I know. It was a simpler time.

I would like you to sing about the items you might find in a famous person's bin to the tune of a classic creepy song. I'll give you the name of the famous person and the song. You have to come up with the rubbish. As always. So your teammate must guess who's rubbish you're singing about. One point for a correct guess, but a huge 10 points. Oh, you'd love 10 points, wouldn't you, Tom? Oh, we're talking 10 points. We're talking 10 points, a huge 10 points in it

for performance and general creepiness. It's just a shame I'm not playing really, isn't it? Because I'd have a real advantage in this game because of my face, voice, and demeanor. Anyway, Tom, we're gonna start with you. You're singing Andy Williams' uncomfortable anthem, Can't Take My Eyes Off You. Well, Andy, I can't take my finger off the nine button

of my phone. I've just pressed it three times. And the bobbies are on their way, you bad sod. Anyway, Tom, there's your famous person. But Ruth, who's been is Tom ransacking like a common urban fox. Caution, play that tune. ["I Have Just Found A Walk"]

I have just found a walk. Remember in Star Trek there was Spock. I just said that to rhyme. Going through bins is a crime Here are some marathon shorts And some flower a quart This bin is great I swear it's quite late. Duh duh, duh duh, duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh One and spoon your big fat cunt, a fucking bastard pan, you shitting fucker fork, and a walk as well,

you fucking bastard fan, and a founder-cunting spanner. Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Tom. Beautiful, Tom.

Beautiful. Now, can I just ask, was the final line was, Anna found a cunting spanner? Firstly, you're not allowed to call him that anymore. And secondly... I just said that bit to rhyme. With what word? There's quite a few things... It was coming at me very quickly.

Yeah, life comes at you fast, doesn't it, Tom? Man alive. That was good stuff, though, I enjoyed it. Before I give you the points, Ruth, have you got any idea which celebrity pin Tom was going through? Tom, just clarify, marathon shorts, sunflowers, wooden spoon, fork, wok, hunting spanner. Best episode of Ready Steady Cook I ever saw.

I'm confident with all of those choices. Well you are because you know the answer Thomas. Well when you said Marathon Shorts I just thought Mo Farah, Daddy Thompson. Focus on all the other things. Sunflower, spoonful. We're ready to steal by the way. I know you are. Of course you are. But let's give Ruth a fighting chance. Can I say it was some flower? Not sunflower. Oh, sorry. Some flower.

Yeah, it was a quarter of a flower. A quarter of a flower. A quarter of a flower. I thought you were saying, right. An American measurement, which might also be a clue. No, it shouldn't be. It shouldn't be. It's not a clue, Tom.

So there was a quarter of a measurement. Could be a clue. Quarters of stone, quarter of a measurement. Oh, clue, Tom. And also quarters is a stone, quarters is a measurement. Oh, right, yeah. Right. So that could be a clue. Yes. But they're also a runner as well. Marathon shorts. Why are you being coy now?

I know. You've got to just let... Yeah, you've got to... You can't be interviewed about it. No, fair enough. I'm interrogated. So someone who's a cook and also runs. Is it Ken Hom? Imagine.

I knew I shouldn't have read this wok. Imagine. Yeah, that's it. The hot wok. That was your fault. That was the problem. It's not Ken Hom. Wok chase. Would the other team like to give a guess? Yeah, all the swearing as well. It's got to be Gordon Ramsay. It was Gordon Ramsay, of course. It was Gordon Ramsay.

Yeah, you should never lead with a walk. What do I always say? Next. Never lead with a walk. Never lead with a walk, guys. Now, Joe Sutherland, you are up next. Your song is Kylie's obsessive banger, Can't Get You Out Of My Head. Well, Kylie, I can't stop getting in touch with the police. The rosters are on their way, you bad son! Anyway, Ben, what famous person's refuse area is Joe bothering?

Caution, will you play? Oh, yeah. It's not yet. You get the gist. Most tensive la la la I've ever heard in my life. I am scrabbling around in this bin. What I've found is like a predator. I'm observing the remnants in here. Many of them are the poos of animals.

La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la Watch how the animals leave their excrement and interesting piles. It is indicative of how they've evolved. We must protect them from climate change. La la la. La la la la la la la la. La la la la la la la la. La la la la la la la la. La la la la la la. Here's a copy, oh, a copy of Desert Island Discs. Copy of Desert Island Discs. I've been on it 14 times. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la. La la la la la. It's known as thinking time and you could have used it.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Wow. Wow. Actually that reminds me, I didn't actually give you any points did I Tom? You didn't, no. I didn't give you any points. No. We don't deserve them.

That's terrible isn't it? No. No. I wouldn't. Anyway moving on. I wouldn't dream of it. No, I've got to give you some points, Tom. So I'm going to give you,

I think I'm going to give you, because I've enjoyed your edition very, very much. I'm going to give you eight out of 10. Eight points there. Okay. Clarky, before I award some points to Joe, who do you think it might have been? Who's been on desert island,

is a whopping 14 times. Give or take. It's a big career. There was lots of focus on animals and poo. Yes. Not a walk in sight. No. Is it David Attenborough?

It's David Attenborough. Yay! Nice. Fantastic. So you get the point. How many points am I going to give to Joe Sullen? Is it David Attenborough? It's David Attenborough! Fantastic. So you get the point. How many points am I going to give to Joe Sullen? It's got to be nine out of ten. Fantastic. Fantastic performance.

Ruth, you have got the police with every breath you take. You better be watching yourself sting. I don't care your band's called the police, doesn't protect you from the law of the land, you're bad son! Anyway, Tom, what? Famous person's trash is Ruth turning into musical treasure.

PC Caution, take down some names. It's a mashup. Going through these bins and I found some things. Yes. Found some eyeliner, found some old scissors used to cut your fringe Yeah, you're on TV On the BBC You present a show everyone will know It was on recently

Oh, can't you see I don't know much about this person other than they use eyeliner And that's all I've got I know it's not a lie But they're on the BBC and they have a fringe and use I don't Ruth Husko everybody! That was phenomenal, that was great. You know what? That's how you do it. That, my friends, is how you play. Tom, before I award Ruthie. Gary Lineker. Of course it is. Of course it is. Old Colton Pauls himself. Final answer. Gary Lineker. Lock it in. Lock it in, lock it in guys. Oh yeah, hand me a BBC. Tom, is that honestly your final answer? Yeah.

Give me another chance to... Could we steal? Yes. Claudia Winkleman. And it will be churlish not to give you the full 10 points. 10 points for Ruth Husko there. Ben! It's ten.

It's ten. Finally, Ben, let's have a bit of one way or another from Blondie. Sorry, Debbie Harry, you're not gonna get me, get me, get me, get me. I'm a married man and you're about to call the police. But Joe, what famous person's dumpster is Clarky diving into? DJ Caution, let's have some musical justice. Here we go. Oh, yes, please, Clarky.

Never a good sign. Your bin. Yeah, I found it. I'm going to open it. I'm going to open, open, open, open your bin when I found it. I'm gonna open it, I'm gonna open, open, open your bin when I found it. I'm gonna open it, I'm gonna open, open, open your bin. And that's your time, that's your time. I found a marmalade somewhere I found a lovely hat I found two films that are the best in the world. And then the third one, that was less good, but we just commentate on the first two. There's this, you, he was very good at it.

Oh, look at me, look at me. I am at a train station. He left me. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. There's spin. Well, I found it. I'm gonna close it. I'm gonna close it. I'll close it. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no That was an open and shut Clovis bin case. Fantastic. Oh my god. That was phenomenal.

Ten points half way through and then hemwiched them. I just had to let you back in the game. Absolutely. You're in a Barry Norman coming out there. But a very, very strong Clark. Thank you. While I deliberate. Joe, what top celebrity? Gary Lineker, can we steal?

Final answer, lock it in, it's golden balls. What celebrity was Ben singing about? It's undeniably Paddington Bear. It's Paddington Bear, of course it is. You get the point. What am I going to give to Clarkie? I think there's got to be, you know what? Two very strong verses, like the first two Paddington movies,

and then a third one. And then a third verse that- That was very clever of me, actually. Should never have gone to Peru with that third verse. I'm going to give you a nine out of 10, nevertheless, it was very strong. Very, very, very strong. So at the end of that round, we all feel dirty, so caution, cleanse our hearts by bringing

us the scores to the tune of Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You. Crosby still has minus five. Tom and Ruth have twenty-four. Ben and Joe. That's right. Tom and Ruth have 24. Ben and Joe have 37. And that's all of them. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Duh duh, duh duh, duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh. Duh duh, duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh. Duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh. Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da If you've got a problem, call it a beef. If you've got a beef, maybe we can help you.

Beef Brothers, sorting out your beef. Yes, indeed. Woohoo! This is Beef Brothers, where each week we ask our panelists to sort out a flat share based beef. And tonight's one comes from Lee, who is in the audience. Hello, Lee, are you there? Hello.

Hello, Lee. Lee writes, I have a long standing beef with an old housemate still in touch years later. My housemate Pete would often get naked and walk around the house. He liked to surprise us and would walk into the shared living room with everything on display. While I admire his body confidence,

he tells me he still does it and I think he really should stop. Okay, so I'm gonna tell you now, Tom and Ruth, you are on Lee's side and Ben and Joe you are on the side of the the nude man Pete who would wander around with everything on display. Any questions before we begin for Lee? I'm guessing you haven't brought Pete with you tonight. No. No, we wouldn't let him in. He's got his bookmark out. So any questions that you have for Lee? So you say he's still in touch with Pete and he still does it. What's his like

living arrangement now? He's Australian. So that's his living arrangement. The ventress, your honor. So my understanding is he's now back in Australia. his living arrangement. The best dressed, Your Honour. So my understanding is he's now back in Australia. His living arrangement, I don't actually know. Is he dressing to the left or the right? I know exactly what you're going for. I thought of it too and I couldn't think of it. It doesn't quite work.

Plus it goes the other way when you're south of the equation. This is it. This is it. How long had you known Pete before you started living with him? So for context, this was back in the early 2000s. It was a different time. It was a different time. It was a different time.

It was a different time, guys. Nuts magazine, et cetera. So it was my first house sheriff at the university. So I'd known him for about a week before I saw him naked for the first time. Could you just describe what we're dealing with here? Thanks for asking the question, Tom. Paint us a picture.

With words, please. With words, of course. Okay, so in the shared living room, there's a couple of sofas and there was a doorway in between the sofas. Not of the room. He's saying, it's like Nightmare is telling you what's happening in the room before before Granitas arrives Go go You we just be saying watching TV. He'd come to the doorway. Yeah, five Fridays Mainly David Asimbra documentaries is what we watch and they come to the doorway start you, and then you'd turn to look at him,

and you'd be on the eyeline with his penis. You could have just stood up. It wouldn't have helped me. But yes, okay, so he would just be wandering into the doorway. Was he a hirsute gentleman? Oh, good question. Was he hairy? Not massively hairy.

Okay. Was he massively massive? Let's go down to brass tacks here. You know what we're asking here. Yeah. Was he packing? Not huge. Okay. Yeah. Was he packing? Not huge.

OK. Aw. And did you ever say, oh, you know, what's going on here? Most of the time, that would be the response. And how would he react? He wouldn't react. Really? Flaccid. Yes, and that's King.

I've been trying to ask this fucking question for like 10 minutes. Was he fucked? Did he have a stonk on, mate? No that I ever saw. Are we talking as well, stark bollock or like, was there some sort of drapery taking place? I feel like that would make it worse. Was he like a Botticelli cherub? Did he have like a bit of gauze just over the crucial areas?

Fully naked. Fully naked. Fully naked. No shoes or socks. That would make it worse. He had his socks and his school shoes on. And a bow tie. Hat with corks around the brim? Cocks around the brim. Was he doing a bit or was he just very comfortable? A bit of both. Okay. And, and, and anytime you reacted, he just didn't say anything about it.

He'd just keep talking about whatever he'd started talking about. So it might be who's paying the gas bill this month or he just, he just carry on talking. He wouldn't respond. I liked him. He was, he was, he was apart from being surprisingly naked, he was really cool. Was he ever clothed? Was that just his thing? He was constantly naked or he would often be clothed in the house? Most of the time we would be clothed. That was the surprise that was the problem. I guess that's, yeah.

Yeah, it's what they call a jump scare. No, you didn't have them in the early 2000s, like Dubai. Would he only do it if it was just used in the house or if you had guests over over would he also inflict this upon them? Never with guests apart from New Year's Eve. Oh of course. Yeah. Smashing a cage. Everyone gather round wait for the balls to drop. It's a little bit blue but something for the dads. It's a little bit blue, but something for the dad. Lovely, lovely, lovely. Love that.

So yeah, so if you had guests around or like on New Year's and stuff, he would still happily come out and go. Most of the time with guests, no. New Year's Eve he would, but that's because he had a tradition of running down the street outside now. At midnight. At midnight, yeah. It's a bit of fun.

Can't fault it. I was like naked. At midnight. At midnight, yeah. Oh, it's a bit of fun. Yeah. Oh, can't fault it. Here's another question. You said like he's always standing up. You know, you just look over and he's standing there with his gentleman's excuse me out. And was he ever sitting down or anything, completely naked? Not that I ever saw.

Okay. You've got to pop a towel down, haven't you? Yeah, well, that was my, yeah. That's a bit of your next question, yeah. Was it just a bit of fun? Why have you made it sound worse? That's weird. Something about calling it just a bit of fun actually is a problem now, isn't it?

John Barrowman thought it was just a bit of fun. Yeah, but he was putting on people's shoulders. Well... Allegedly. Gateway drug, isn't it? Possessing one in the first place is a gateway drug isn't it? Yeah okay well hopefully that is enough information for our teams to make their cases. Caution you've got a tricky edit on that. Cut out all the creepy stuff. I'm not to be saying anything. So without further ado, I call upon Ruth Husko.

Now you have one minute to make the case for the prosecution. Your minute begins now. I think even though it was the early 2000s and there was a lot of stuff going on, Zoom magazine, Nuts magazine, TFI Friday, Big Tits and all that stuff. I think that it's still very unacceptable to be presenting what can only be described as flaccid, a wet pig's tail in front of your housemates,

giving them the shock of their lives when you're talking about something as simple as paying the council tax, for example, it's unhygienic, it's unattractive, and how much time have I got left? I don't think I need to defend it much more than that, really, who wants to see a man's penis when they're just, you know, living their lives?

Admittedly, he wasn't seeing anything, which is- That would have been worse. That would have been worse, yeah. But I mean, speaking of someone who's never seen a penis, if I ever did see one, I would tell it off. So, it's a very sore point for me. And that's that. Ruth Pascoe, everybody. Ruth Pascoe.

So Joe, you are going to begin the case for the defence. Your time begins now. Okay, Your Honour and people of the jury, who amongst us hasn't pondered what life could be like if we gave in to the most base impulses that fleet across our brains every now and again and make us think that actually if we could just follow them we'd finally be free. Like, you're walking across a bridge, I could throw my phone in the river, you walk past a baby in a pram and you think I could spit on that. You've come out the shower, you know that your housemate is watching Blue Planet and

you think, what if I just dropped towel and wandered in? I think we are denying somebody who was a true frontier, a true pioneer is the word I originally meant to say. For casting off the shackles For casting off the shackles of this oppressive regime that is being clothed within one's own house, might I add. And has this person not graciously gifted you a lifetime of anecdote? Here we are dissecting this person's psyche, this person's motive, while they are the furthest across the planet that they could possibly be. This is not somebody that you've

brought into the room, this is somebody who is probably trickling tales across the globe with their free dangling willy. Why not allow that person to continue this journey of freedom, inspiration, liberation. How many seconds? All right, it's been about two minutes. Yeah, it's great. Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Tom, Tom, Tom, please, no, Tom, Tom. Tom. Tom. Sorry, sorry, that was good, that was good. Sorry, no, Tom, Tom. You're against me, Tom. Tom. Sorry, that was good. That was good. Sorry, that was good, man. Whoa.

Whoa, Tom, please. He's good. He's good. I know the audience can't see it, but do put the trousers back on now. Whoa. He's good, man. So it's good.

He's good. It's awful to have to ask this question right now, Lee, but how do you think it's going so far? I'm feeling a bit anxious. Yes, yeah. Too right, man. I would, I would if I were you. Now, Tom, Tom, yeah, while you put your shirt back on, I've got to ask you, are you going to...

I can't after that. Are you going to... I'll never wear one again. Are you going to conclude the case for the prosecution as yourself? No, I'm going to do it in the style of a Deep South defence lawyer from a John Grisham novel. Mr. Fanshawe Stanton. Fanshawe Stanton presiding and providing your minutes should you need it begins now. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, hell are nice to see a lot of friendly faces and heads around here.

Only other day I was stood next to you in the ball throw. Y'all remember the ball throw last Wednesday. Who can get it over there? Same with me. Tammy. Got it. Yeah, you can't have forgotten that. Good old Tammy. What an arm. Y'all looking at me like you wanted the ball throw. I understand y'all got things on your mind. a lot of that there voodoo talk from them dead lawyers from the big city there they come around here with their their britches love that word never did know what a bridge was but I won't stop buying them. A lot of this talk around here about what people should and shouldn't be wearing here in the natural order of things kind of reminded me of the old Bond dance several years gone

by in seven or eight summers. Y'all remember of course, Jonathan Timothy came along from the neighboring town. And he arrived with a hell of a hullabaloo. Hell, he danced in the jig, he banged his stick, he glanced towards the door, and who should walk in? Oh, no. Yeah. His dog wearin' a shirt.

Yeah. Yeah. Jonathan Timothy. Man screeches to a halt. Man struggles to forget the sight of a dog in a shirt. Hell, he was highfalutin' too. Walkin' on hind legs. Someone light my pipe.

Don't light his pipe. He a golden retriever, son. Shirt gave him ideas above his station. Three days later, he's driving the train. That kind of thing can get out of hand here. Ah, the defense rests your arm. Thank you, Fancho. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. Thank you, Fanshawe. I swear you make more and more sense every episode. It's unbelievable. Unbelievable. So, Clarky, it's your job now to conclude the case for the defense. Okay, so you have exactly one minute, should you need it,

and your time begins now. Well, come on. Come on, guys. Seriously, guys. Come on, come on on guys, come on. He's good. He's good. The top's back off. He's from Australia, it's different guys. Course they're Australian, they've got to show they're down under. They're Australian for the love of God. They've got to throw another shrimp into the city groom! They're Australian! That's not a dick, this is a dick! I rest. Strong work from Clarky there. Very strong arguments from both sides, but obviously I cannot make the decision myself as I'm currently on trial for aiding and abetting a group of criminals going through some celebs' pins. So instead, I'm going to ask our live Phoenix

audience to cast their vote. If you think Lee, and therefore Ruth and Fanshawe are in the right, I would like you to applaud now. Lee, no one expected that. Nobody expected that. But if you think Joe and Ben made the best case, please applaud now. Joe and Ben made the best case. Please applaud now. Tom, Tom, that is not an excuse. Tom, you mustn't. I can't help myself. So big thanks to Lee. How do you feel, Lee, about the results? Well, I'm glad he lives on the other side of the world.

Get your dick out, Lee. No, no, please, please. No, but do get he lives on the other side of the world. That was it. Absolutely. Get your dick out, Lee. No, no, please, please. No, but do get that guy on FaceTime. A big round of applause for Lee, everybody. Big round of applause for Lee. Now there is just one quick round left before I get my conservatory. Those windows are so close I can almost lick them. All I have to do

is get through the quick fire round jingle. Yay! This is the quick fire round. This the quick fire round It's the round that goes really quickly Which is why it's always so amusing That it has a long introduction It has a long introduction Though the round is really quick In fact, if you look up the definition of quick fire

On dictionary.com it says it's done or coming very quickly That's what she said one after another And that is use is chiefly British Which is strange, because if you look up the word long On Dictionary dot com it says long is an adjective That's also what she said extending for a considerable distance Or having greater length than usual

It points towards using the word tall If you mean having greater height than usual I know that dictionary.com There's no need to patronise me This jingle is long not tall And while we're at it The definition of jingle On dictionary.com it says jingle is a noun For a light clinking or tinkling sound But that's not what's going on here here its second meaning is a short verse or a song marked by catchy repetition

thank God that's what we've got here I hear it when I sleep we're not sure but we're catchy And that's confirmed by Dictionary.com And just to clear up any confusion The definition of dictionary on Dictionary on dictionary.com It's a very good website It's a reference source in print or electronic form containing words usually alphabetically arranged

If dictionary.com had even one sense of humour It would just say there, You're fucking looking at one, they told me to divine it. But dictionary.com is as straight as a dime in fact when you ask it to define the word humor it says something really boring tell me true what it really should say is what should it say?

check out Pi's flat chair They know what humour's about Cos what they do is they take a jingle that should be sure And they make it really long that's the definition of good humor Ooh, it's a very good joke Plus it's catchy and repetitive They've really nailed it down And when it's finished, they just get on with the quick fire round. Yes indeed, this is the quick fire round and as our show is all about building a conservatory,

I'm going to ask our panellists to double glaze their answers by giving each word from the answer twice. So if the answer was Pappy's Flat Share, you'd say Pappy's Pappy's Flat Share Flat Share. This is going to be a whole heap of cheeky cheeky fun fun. Instead of buzzers, I'd like you to shout out your first names twice. Ben and Joe, let's hear yours. Ben Ben.

Jo Jo. And Tom and Ruth. Ruth Ruth. Tom Tom. Very good, off we go. Which rodent character is Walt Disney's most famous creation? Tom. Mickey Mickey Mouse, off we go. Which rodent character is Walt Disney's most famous creation? Tom.

Mickey, Mickey Mouse Mouse. Is correct. In what nursery rhyme did a mouse run up the clock? Ben Ben. Ben Ben. Hickory, hickory, dockory, dock. I'm gonna throw it over to Ruth. Hickory, hickory, dickory, dickory, dock, dock.

Is correct. Who played Bert in Mary Poppins? Ruth Ruth. Ruth Ruth. Dick, Dick, van, van Van Van Dyke Dyke. Is correct. And in which film did Dick Dick Van Van Dyke Dyke play the inventor Keratikas Potts?

Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom. Chitty Chitty Chitty Chitty Bang Bang Bang Bang. Is correct. In the TV show Friends, what was Chandler's surname? Tom. Tom. Bing Bing. Bears please.

That's one for the teenagers. Which musical genre encompasses rap, beatboxing and DJing? Ben Ben. Hip hip hop hop. Is correct. Hooray! And well, which chant usually follows the phrase three cheers? Ben Ben.

Ben Ben. Hip hip hip hip hooray hooray. Is correct. Name the song by Sabrina Carpenter in which she sings, I beg you don't embarrass me motherfucker. Ruth Ruth, judge up. I think that was just Ruth Ruth there. Please please please please. Don't don't. prove, prove, I'm, I'm, right, right. Oh, that's the chorus. What's the title of the song?

Oh, it's Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please. It's correct! Yes, that's right. Who was the Egyptian politician and diplomat who served as the sixth Secretary General... Tom. ...of the United Nations from... Yes, Tom. Pootros, Pootros, Pootros, Pootros, Garly, Garly. It's good to have him back where he belongs.

Which band had a hit in 2008 with That's Not My Name? Ruth Ruth. Ruth Ruth. The The Ting Ting Ting Ting. Is correct. Wave that second album, man. Oh, early day now. Name the often remade film in which a giant gorilla terrorized.

Oh, oh yeah, go ahead. Yeah, Ruth Ruth. King King Kong Kong. Is correct. Which type of ice cream shares its name with a Little Richard song? Ruth Ruth. Yeah, Ruth.

Tootie Tootie, Fruity Fruity. Yes. Now finally, complete the lyric. Tootie Fruity O'Root lyric. Tooty fruity o rooty. Tooty fruity o rooty. Tooty fruity o rooty. Tooty fruity o rooty. Tooty fruity o rooty.

Tom Tom. O O Wop Wop O O Bam Bam Wop. No, no you've yet. Miles off mate, miles off. Ruth Ruth. Ruth Ruth. Ruth Ruth. Wop, wop, bop, bop, ah, ah, loo, loo, bop, bop, ah, ah, woo, woo, bop, bop, ah, ah, wop, wop. You've gone miles off.

You've gone absolutely. Oh! Wop, bop, lo Oh! You were so... I thought she's gonna... She's taking a funny little detour here. I forgot what I was saying. It was... Cabbie, sorry, this is not the route we normally take.

No, okay, you know a different route. Okay, fine. Anybody want to take a final bite of the Tootie Fruity Cherry? I want to do it again. Do you want to do it again? I'll let you do it again Ruth. Go on. Go on. You've got this.

You can't write it down. No, you cannot write it down. Come on. Here we go. You've got to raw dog this. Here we go. Wop, wop, bop, bop, ah, ah, loo, loo, bop, bop, ah, ah, wop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, ah, ah, loo, loo. Yes.

Bop, bop, ah, ah, wop, wop, bam, bam, boo, boo. Yes! Yeah! Yes! Come on! Yeah! Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da Duh duh, duh duh duh, duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh So at the end of that round, we're going to find out the final scores in just a second. But first, Jojo and Ruth, Ruth, have you got anything you would like to plug? Jojo?

Oh, can I use normal words? Yes, use normal words. Yeah, I'll go on tour in the, sorry, I'm already doing it. I'll go on tour. In the autumn, find me on Instagram and the dates will be there. Fantastic. And Tom, it takes longer and longer to put that shirt on. And Ruth, what about you? Where can people find your work? On Twitter, if you still follow it, everyone's leaving it. My name is Ruth Husko, but it's

under at dank underscore acroid, like the ads from Ghostbusters and the Blues Brothers. If you find me there or on Instagram, just look for Ruth Oskow and you'll find various things of... One of the best, one of the best followers on social media. You really are. I'd agree with that. I thought I would suggest. Yes, you even said, you told me to say that. Yeah. Yeah.

So thanks to all of you folks for watching. As always check out our Patreon, patreon.com forward slash pappiesflatshare, like, subscribe, rate and review our podcast or recommend the podcast to all of your friends. So, producer Emma, let's hear the final scores. Well you've still got minus five. Thank you. Cross me. Thank you very much. And the chemical castration.

Yes. I was looking forward to that. Yes. A little treat for the family. We've looked you in, it's sorted. I've got your confirmation text on his way. Thank you. Tom and Ruth have 35. Oh no.

Ben and Joe, 40. Oh, yes. So Tom and Ruth are building the conservatory. Ben and Joe are licking rye. We can serve off my pale white flanks. Thanks to our guests, Joe Sutherland and Ruth Husko. We have been Pappies. See you next time on...

Flat Shares Slugger! Pappies, Flat Shares Slugger, Peter Pappies, Bucky Bencock and Tom Perry. With special guests, Ruth Husko and Joe Sutherland. It was devised by Pappies and Ben Walker. Technical Expertises by Emma Corsham and Gwynn Rees-Davies. It was produced by Emma Corsham.

Big thanks to everyone at The Phoenix, to all of the wonderful folks who came to today's show and to you at home for listening. Pat is flat chested, I've got an antique reduced production for ACAST and the internet. Cheers everyone. Bye!

Oh, it was a beaut indeed. What fun, what fun we had. What tremendous fun. Yeah. If you're not already following Ruth on various social media, she's Dank Acroid. She's absolutely brilliant. She is. And if you see Joe on tour in your town or near to your town or even miles away

from your town, he's well worth traveling for. So get yourself along to see Joe Sutherland, follow Ruth Husko. They're both absolutely brilliant. It's also worth saying the whole bunch of our guests are out now on tour. It seems to be the season for people on tour. So do keep on checking out the venues in your area and go and support any of those comedians who are touring. Keep live comedy live.

Keep live comedy live. Keep live comedy live guys. It's a very good point because you know in this modern age and we're part of it. You know a lot of people think that comedy only exists as crowd work clips on TikTok. Nothing could be further from the truth. If you go and see Joe, sure he might do a little crowd work, but he's also going to give you a proper show in the live arena. Nothing more exciting than that, is it? Nothing more exciting than seeing somebody in a library. But yeah, loads, loads of our pals are off on tour at the moment. If you see them come

into a town near you, go and support them because there's nothing like it. There's nothing like the thrill of seeing comedy in a regional arts centre. Hashtag keep live comedy live. Hashtag spawn, hashtag add. All right well that was a real joy, anything to add to Clarky? No, just happy I rammed it home earlier on. Anything else you want to ram home Clarky? Anything else you want to ram anywhere else for that matter? Doesn't have to be home, could be away, anything you want to ram home, Clarky? Anything else you want to ram anywhere else for that matter? Doesn't have to be home.

Could be away. Anything you want to ram away? We've had you ramming things home. Ramming away. Okay, yes. Well, today's episode was produced by Emma Caution. Caution, team. Cheers, everyone.

Ramming away. Ramming away. We'll ram on the way. Ramming away. We'll ram on the way. Ramming away. Ramming away.